Ep.#432 - IF, Live!

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] Hey, everybody. Remember FlopTV, the one-hour online video version of the Flophouse podcast that we produced last year?

[0:06] Well, I'm excited to tell you it is coming back.

[0:09] FlopTV 2, the sequel, will be broadcasting live to your computer screen the first Saturday of every month from September through February.

[0:17] We're talking only about sequels this season.

[0:20] RoboCop 2, Breaking 2, Highlander 2, Caddyshack 2, Ski School 2, and Ninja Turtles 2, The Secret of the Ooze.

[0:27] It's going to be all new jokes, all new presentations, movies we have never covered on the show before, all in a tight one-hour-ish package.

[0:36] Can't join us the night of the show? That's okay.

[0:38] The videos for every episode will remain online through the end of February, so you can binge them or dole them out as you prefer.

[0:44] So that's FlopTV 2, the first Saturday of every month from September through February.

[0:50] For tickets and more information, go to flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[0:54] Again, that's flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[0:57] FlopTV 2, everything you loved about FlopTV, but again.

Dan McCoy

[1:02] On this episode, we discuss IF!

Stuart Wellington

[1:06] Live from Boston, Massachusetts!

[1:08] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:38] Thank you.

[1:39] We are absolutely swimming in beans.

[1:44] So this is The Flophouse.

[1:46] It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie, we talk about it.

[1:49] I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:50] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:51] I'm Elliot Kalin, and together we are...

[1:53] The Flophouse.

[1:54] That might confuse the live audience who already heard this spiel, but you know what?

[1:59] We're resetting.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00] Nice use of the word spiel.

[2:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:03] No, they thought they fell into a time tunnel.

[2:06] Right.

[2:06] Okay.

[2:07] That makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07] There are a lot of those in Boston.

[2:09] Yeah.

[2:10] The Big Dig, I think they called it.

[2:12] When they dug that time tunnel...

[2:13] Certainly took long enough.

[2:15] The Dig was too big, and they went into the past and the future.

[2:20] So...

[2:21] Oh, yeah.

[2:21] Traffic to the 13th century was terrible today.

[2:24] Good thing I got this Duncan coffee to power me through it.

Dan McCoy

[2:27] Do you guys feel like we're on a local public affairs program with this setup?

Elliott Kalan

[2:34] Yeah, I love it.

[2:35] Yeah, we're here at WBUR City Space, a public radio mecca headquarters performance venue.

[2:41] And yeah, it feels like we're here to talk about local zoning issues that may not be sexy,

[2:46] but will affect you.

Dan McCoy

[2:50] I wish we could have zoned this movie out of existence, Elliot.

[2:55] I zoned out watching it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:57] Oh, give me a third zone, Dan.

[2:59] I need it.

Dan McCoy

[2:59] Give me a...

[3:00] The Twilight Zone is another zone?

[3:04] You just told me to give me one.

Elliott Kalan

[3:05] Oh, that's true.

[3:06] I should have specified I wanted another play on words about the movie.

[3:09] No, play on words is no pun.

[3:09] I'll be more specific next time.

[3:10] That's a good note for me.

[3:11] So, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[3:13] You were the one who took notes on this movie, because you, of course, love John Krasinski

[3:18] and all the...

Stuart Wellington

[3:18] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[3:18] I've got to get this out of the way.

[3:20] So, we watched the movie IF, which stands for Imaginary Friends.

[3:24] And it's directed by...

[3:25] It's from the imagination of John Krasinski.

[3:28] Written and directed.

[3:29] Written and directed, and he's in it.

[3:31] And I am known for not being a huge fan of this fellow's work.

Elliott Kalan

[3:35] And I find this personally hilarious, because I have no opinion about John Krasinski one way

[3:39] or the other.

[3:40] So, the fact that Stuart, it means so much to him to be bristling at him.

[3:44] The same way that when my grandmother years ago, when she was still alive, she sent me a

[3:48] letter when George W. Bush was president that said, I've hated him more than any politician

[3:52] in my lifetime except Thomas Dewey.

[3:54] And I was like, all right, let's get into this.

[3:57] I've never heard anyone have an opinion about Thomas Dewey before.

[4:00] So, that's how...

[4:00] What was the dish on that?

[4:02] She said he would say anything to get elected.

[4:04] So...

Dan McCoy

[4:04] Well, I gotta say, I used to be an Elliot, but after watching If, I'm swinging over to the

[4:11] Stuart side of the equation.

[4:12] We'll talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[4:13] Yes.

[4:14] So, we are talking about If...

[4:16] Okay.

[4:17] I do need to point out ahead of time, I don't like John Krasinski and partially for plot

[4:24] reasons, almost every male character in this movie looks like John Krasinski or at least

[4:29] some variation on a theme and it doesn't...

[4:31] I'm not into it.

[4:32] Okay.

[4:33] Let's see.

[4:35] Movie opens...

[4:37] There's a bunch of little notes in there.

[4:38] Don't...

[4:38] What?

[4:39] Like cameos?

[4:41] Coney Island?

Elliott Kalan

[4:41] Empty Brooklyn.

[4:42] Not fun.

Stuart Wellington

[4:43] Yeah.

[4:43] I can agree with that.

[4:44] Not fun.

[4:45] All right.

[4:45] Fun's important.

[4:46] Okay.

[4:46] So, the movie opens with very special If credits.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] There's a kids' painting style Paramount logo just to get you in the mood.

[4:53] So, they are all in.

Stuart Wellington

[4:54] They're like, this is gonna be a huge hit.

[4:56] This will redefine our studio.

[4:59] And then we'll get purchased, finally.

[5:02] And it's always fun when a movie that doesn't do well has those because you're like, oh,

[5:05] yeah, this is your dark universe moment.

Elliott Kalan

[5:07] Nothing beats that moment when that dark universe logo comes up and you're like, this is the one

[5:11] time you're gonna use that.

[5:12] And you think that it's gonna last a long time.

[5:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:15] So, the movie opens with a family staying at their grandma's house.

[5:19] And by house, I mean Brooklyn Heights apartment that is incredible.

[5:22] That's the most believable imaginary thing in this movie is this amazing apartment with

[5:27] like a beautiful view of the Brooklyn Bridge.

[5:29] I'm getting way in the weeds here.

Elliott Kalan

[5:31] No, no.

[5:31] The Boston audience is gonna love this.

[5:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:33] But it's just this amazing apartment.

[5:35] I love it.

[5:36] Okay.

[5:36] So, this family staying at their grandma's house played by Fiona Shaw.

[5:40] And they, it's told from the perspective of a little girl, Elizabeth B.

[5:46] And her mother is dying of cancer.

[5:48] And John Krasinski is, I don't know, being a clown goofing around.

Elliott Kalan

[5:52] Well, this is, this is all shot.

[5:54] This is like a montage that's shown.

[5:55] It's got a filter on it as if it's like 70s home film.

[5:59] Like it's a 16 millimeter film or an eight millimeter film.

[6:01] But when their camcorder is clearly a DV camcorder, but they put like an old look on it to show

[6:06] that it was the past, but it was like a year ago.

[6:09] So, I don't, but, but yeah, it's, it's, they're trying to cheer up their daughter while the

[6:14] mother slips away.

[6:14] And it's, it could be very sad, right?

[6:17] I'm sure your heartstrings were tied.

Stuart Wellington

[6:18] I think they're, I'm sure that they are trying to go for a like beginning of up sort of.

Elliott Kalan

[6:21] Yes.

[6:22] They even use the same composer to make the music in this movie.

[6:25] Oh, interesting.

[6:26] Yeah.

[6:26] It's not as effective.

[6:27] Equally successful.

[6:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:29] So, uh, you know, the movie faded, it fades to black and we get a title.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] They play Fade to Black by Metallica and suddenly it kicks into a whole new gear.

Stuart Wellington

[6:39] Uh, the movie skips forward now.

[6:42] Bea is all grown up.

[6:43] She's all grown up.

[6:44] She's 12 years old now.

[6:45] Yeah.

[6:45] She's not old.

Elliott Kalan

[6:46] Let's, let's be clear.

[6:47] No one on the flop house thinks 12 years old is all grown up.

[6:50] Nobody.

[6:51] She's a child.

[6:52] Good save.

[6:53] Uh, although she.

[6:54] And a big theme of the movie is her recognizing that she is a child.

[6:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:57] She is like wearing this like, I guess it's like, uh.

[7:00] Don't talk about what she's wearing.

[7:02] No, come on.

[7:03] I'm not.

[7:05] What it's like, it's like, they're like overalls, but they're like styled.

[7:08] So they're like wearing like suspenders.

[7:11] Like it's also whimsical.

[7:13] Like everyone in this movie like wears suspenders around and like is about to like dance with a lamp.

Elliott Kalan

[7:19] There are times when this movie is trying so hard for the kind of effortless twee that Wes Anderson can just pull out of his butt at a moment's notice.

[7:28] Even to the point later on of a slow-mo walking sequence set to I think a song that he uses in one of the other movies, right?

[7:34] So like it's, but he's not quite pulling it off.

[7:36] He's not pulling off the sad beautiful of up or the kind of beautiful twee of Wes Anderson.

[7:42] He's instead kind of Krasinski-ing it, you know, just kind of in the middle.

Stuart Wellington

[7:45] So we see Bea is grown up, like slightly grown up.

[7:48] Yeah, slightly older.

[7:49] A few years older.

[7:51] She doesn't think she's a kid anymore.

[7:52] However, she's back in grandma's house.

[7:56] We believe some kind of time has passed.

[7:58] But it's weird that for some reason they begin in not their home and then she's back in, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[8:03] For some reason, whenever someone in the family is sick and has to go to the hospital, they go to the grandma's house.

[8:10] And I get it now because she only has one parent, as we'll find that parent is in the hospital.

[8:14] When her dad was still around, I don't know why they went to the grandma's house to sit out this illness.

[8:18] Well, I mean, it's a really nice apartment.

[8:20] It's a very nice apartment.

Dan McCoy

[8:22] I get the feeling that they used to live there when the mom was alive.

[8:27] And then they went back there for some reason, just I guess to like really like hammer home those feelings of like, you might lose this parent too, kid.

[8:36] But like the weird thing about it is like the grandmother is taking care of Bea.

[8:42] And Krasinski, who's in the hospital for what they tweely call a broken heart, like he has some heart condition.

[8:51] It broke.

[8:53] I'm sure you'll get into this.

[8:54] I'm sorry to take over here.

[8:55] But like, he's like, go out there.

Elliott Kalan

[8:57] Dan, I love that you are so engaged with the plot of the movie that you can summarize it.

[9:00] So Stuart, I apologize, but I'm really, I'm unveiling.

[9:03] Just seeing that my little boy grow up like this.

Dan McCoy

[9:05] Yeah.

[9:05] I'm just, I'm so, like this baffles me because he's like, I want you to go out there and live life.

[9:10] And I'm like, this kid is 12.

[9:12] Like, she spends so much of this movie unsupervised roaming around New York.

[9:17] I'm like, I guess she's out of school because of the sickness.

[9:20] But like, the grandma's not looking after her.

[9:22] What's going on?

[9:23] Like, I don't think John Krasinski was like, yeah, just do whatever, kid.

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] The grandma's kind of constantly twittering with anxiety.

[9:29] And she has her own story that never gets told about why she has no confidence about anything.

[9:35] And at one point she's like, I hope you like this pizza.

[9:37] I got all the different kinds because I didn't know what you like.

[9:39] And it's like, grandma, just ask your granddaughter what kind of pizza she wants you to order.

[9:43] Like, it's okay.

[9:44] Family needs to talk to each other.

[9:46] I don't know if kids have opinions on pizza.

[9:48] Yeah.

[9:49] Kids are very reticent to share their thoughts about pizza with grownups.

Stuart Wellington

[9:54] So, yeah, as we covered, she's staying with grandma.

[9:58] Even though she's not a kid anymore, she insists.

[10:00] And her dad is in the hospital.

[10:02] And she visits her dad.

[10:03] And he's like, does all kinds of like goofy magic tricks and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] He does like a dance routine with his IV pole.

[10:08] Like, he's put a mop on it to look like a wig and googly eyes.

[10:11] And he's like doing like a Fred Astaire type dance number.

[10:13] And the whole time I was like, if you drop that and it just rips the IV right out of your arm, that's going to hurt so bad.

[10:20] But the nurse thinks it is adorable.

Dan McCoy

[10:23] Yeah, the nurse played by, I forget the character's name, but from the bear, one of the...

[10:28] I forget the character and the actress's name.

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] Okay.

[10:30] But she's great in the bear.

[10:31] And she's pretty good in this too.

[10:32] I'll say this right off the bat.

[10:33] Okay.

[10:34] You're going to hear us criticize this movie a lot.

[10:36] I think rightfully.

[10:38] But I think there are a number of very good performances in this movie.

[10:42] And the main girl is great, I think.

[10:44] I think she does a fantastic job.

[10:46] She's carrying this whole movie.

[10:47] And she does it really well.

[10:49] And it makes me wonder if John Krasinski's strength is directing actors and not writing.

[10:54] Or the rest of it.

[10:56] Or other things.

[10:56] But I think you get some good performances out of these actors.

[10:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:00] No comment.

[11:05] And there's a line here where Bea is interacting with her dad.

[11:07] And she's like, life doesn't have to be fun.

[11:10] And I feel like that is the message.

[11:11] That is the thing that the movie has to beat out of her.

[11:14] They have to make her believe life is fun.

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] And this is a, like, this movie, it's got a pro-fun and a pro-imagination message, which is great.

[11:23] But the fact that...

[11:25] It's not fun.

[11:26] It's not fun.

[11:27] She's going through something traumatic.

[11:28] Like, she might lose her second parent.

[11:30] And the idea that the movie is like, hey, smile on through it.

[11:34] You're not allowed to have these bad feelings.

[11:35] Like, that's a pretty toxic message.

[11:37] Like, hey, kids, tamp it down.

[11:40] Shove it in.

[11:41] Bottle it up.

[11:42] Keep that smile plastered on your face, you know.

Dan McCoy

[11:45] We got a note here.

[11:47] The nurse was Liza Colon-Zayas.

[11:50] Perfect pronunciation.

[11:52] Well, I...

[11:54] She's great.

[11:55] I like her line.

[11:56] I thought it was more...

[11:57] Such an uncalled for roast.

[11:58] I thought...

[11:59] I thought it was more important to credit her than to...

[12:04] I knew that the ire was going to come.

[12:07] Yeah, right, yeah.

[12:07] So I...

[12:08] No rules.

[12:09] No, you threw yourself on that name grenade, and I appreciate it.

[12:10] Thank you.

[12:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:12] So B goes back to her grandma's house.

[12:14] She goes through the, like, old toys and stuff.

[12:17] She finds the old video camera that they recorded.

[12:19] A lot of footage of her dressed up as Tina Turner.

[12:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:24] Which is cool.

[12:25] There's a thing that is very prevalent in movies now, where modern-day kids love the music that was current when the person making the movie did it.

Stuart Wellington

[12:36] Like, in the 80s, everybody loved fucking music from the 50s.

[12:40] That's true.

[12:40] It was all doo-wop stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] And when our kids...

Stuart Wellington

[12:43] Like, everyone's singing, like, moany-moany and crap like that or whatever.

[12:47] Is that a 50s song or an 80s song?

[12:49] Am I...

[12:50] I mean...

[12:50] Is it all blend together in my brain?

Elliott Kalan

[12:52] I mean, all time is one.

[12:53] You know, we're just...

[12:54] You know, it's...

Dan McCoy

[12:54] Well, it's also hard to say, because so many bands from the 80s, because there were people who grew up earlier or listened to that music, did sort of retro 50s stylings.

[13:04] So it all mushes together.

[13:05] Look, you're talking to a Blondie fan.

Stuart Wellington

[13:06] I know.

[13:06] Exactly.

[13:07] Yeah.

[13:07] They did a lot of that stuff.

[13:08] Well, we're getting lost in the sauce, guys.

[13:09] So she finds all this stuff.

[13:11] And then she goes to her bodega.

[13:14] This is another scene where, like, every scene in Brooklyn, Brooklyn is abandoned.

[13:19] She is, like, the only person ever walking around.

[13:20] There's no one on the streets.

[13:22] Yeah.

[13:22] And I'm like, there'd be at least one weird guy yelling at her on the street.

[13:26] Oh, Stuart.

[13:27] Because she's only...

[13:27] She's, like, a little kid walking around by herself.

Elliott Kalan

[13:29] Did you notice the text at the beginning that said, P.S., this movie takes place right after the day of the comet?

Dan McCoy

[13:34] Yeah.

[13:35] I mean, that would make sense, because the Janusz Kaminski cinematography is all sunbeams all the time.

[13:41] It's just so much, like, warm glow.

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] But the city is abandoned, deserted, still beautiful, but deserted.

[13:49] And this will come up...

[13:50] When we get to the Coney Island sequence, I'll complain about this.

Stuart Wellington

[13:52] So she is being stalked by an animated bug lady.

Elliott Kalan

[13:56] That sounds so much more exciting than it is.

[13:58] I know.

Stuart Wellington

[13:59] And I'm like, it's not like Devorah from Mortal Kombat, guys.

[14:02] Don't get excited.

[14:03] It's just a normal bug lady voiced by Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

Dan McCoy

[14:06] Yeah.

[14:07] I was like, fuck you, movie, for making me mad at Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] Hey, she's just got to get that paycheck, Dan.

[14:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:13] So she's being stalked...

[14:14] She is a flea.

[14:15] Wait, what?

[14:15] She's a flea bag.

Elliott Kalan

[14:17] Oh, right, right, right.

[14:18] Cool.

[14:18] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[14:19] I referenced the thing she's best known for.

[14:21] I'm sorry that that confused you guys.

[14:23] You guys.

Dan McCoy

[14:24] You're right.

[14:25] She has experience playing...

[14:27] Being a bag of fleas.

Stuart Wellington

[14:27] So this bug lady's name is Blossom, not the TV show Blossom, a different one.

[14:33] Yeah, true.

[14:33] Good point.

[14:34] And Bea notices her, but doesn't quite see her.

Elliott Kalan

[14:37] It is very funny that the bug lady is not named Bea, but is named Blossom.

Stuart Wellington

[14:41] Yeah, no, that's a good point.

[14:43] So she...

[14:43] That's not that funny.

Dan McCoy

[14:45] Still, if something tells me you don't think that was a very good point.

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] No, I'm pretty sure he liked it.

[14:51] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] So Bea, like, tries to follow Blossom back to...

[14:58] And she, like, what?

[14:59] Follows her back to an apartment above her apartment.

[15:02] Her building, which I wasn't clear about at first.

Elliott Kalan

[15:04] It looked like she was sneaking into a different building.

[15:06] And it wasn't until later that I was like, oh, that's where she lives.

[15:09] Okay.

[15:09] So she didn't have to go outside at all.

Stuart Wellington

[15:13] The next day she goes and visits her dad.

[15:18] He does, you know, like, we know he's going to have to have a surgery.

[15:21] He set up some kind of a prank where it looks like he crawled out the window.

[15:24] He didn't.

[15:25] Don't worry, guys.

[15:27] And then...

[15:28] She meets her friend Benjamin, the kid with broken bones.

[15:30] Okay, yep.

[15:31] And that's the thing.

[15:32] My wife pointed out, like, would a kid with broken bones spend that much time in the hospital?

[15:37] He seems to continually break them.

Elliott Kalan

[15:39] So it's possible they're breaking while he's there.

[15:41] Or...

Stuart Wellington

[15:41] They don't specifically...

[15:43] Is it because they're worried like his parents might?

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] Well, that's the...

[15:45] He's like, I break bones a lot.

[15:46] My arm, my leg.

[15:48] I'm like, yeah, services should come and look at this family.

[15:51] It's not...

Dan McCoy

[15:51] Well, I think it's implied.

[15:53] It's never said explicitly, but I'm like, is this like a Mr. Glass situation?

[15:57] Oh, he's a supervillain.

[15:58] Yeah, okay.

[15:59] That's a technical term.

[16:00] That's the...

Elliott Kalan

[16:01] This is the hardest part of my job as a doctor.

[16:04] I'm afraid...

[16:04] I'm afraid your son has a Mr. Glass situation.

Dan McCoy

[16:08] What?

[16:09] It's like, oh, you know, like the film Unbreakable.

Elliott Kalan

[16:11] Yeah, I want you to not like the Glass family from the Salinger stories.

[16:14] No, no, no.

[16:15] This is...

Dan McCoy

[16:16] Let me be clear.

[16:16] When I say like the film Unbreakable, not Bruce Willis.

[16:19] Your son is very breakable.

Elliott Kalan

[16:20] The opposite of that.

[16:22] Yeah, yeah, I got it.

[16:22] The Mr. Glass character in Unbreakable.

[16:24] You understand.

[16:24] You've seen Unbreakable.

[16:26] So, you know, I don't mean that he's unbreakable.

[16:28] No, I understand you're telling me my son is not unbreakable.

[16:31] He's very breakable.

[16:32] I understand that.

Stuart Wellington

[16:33] I get it.

[16:33] He's very...

[16:34] He's breakable.

[16:35] He's obsessed with the tallest building in Philadelphia.

[16:37] Imagine Kimmy Schmidt.

[16:37] But he's never going to get there.

[16:38] The opposite of Kimmy Schmidt is what your son is.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] I understand.

[16:41] Oh, because she's unbreakable.

[16:43] Okay.

[16:43] Is there another doctor I can talk to?

[16:45] I'm not a doctor.

[16:46] I'm not a doctor.

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] So that night, B follows the animated Bug Lady Blossom and Ryan Reynolds playing a character

[17:02] named Cal.

[17:02] He's not playing himself.

[17:04] And again, he looks just like...

[17:06] He looks like John Krasinski.

[17:07] And we're going to find out later.

[17:08] I'm going to spoil the twist.

[17:09] Yeah.

[17:10] We're going to find out later that Ryan Reynolds is her imaginary friend.

[17:14] And I know.

Elliott Kalan

[17:15] I know.

[17:16] It is much less of a shock if you're watching the movie.

[17:19] Because kind of after the second or third scene, you're like, can you just tell her

[17:22] he's her imaginary friend?

[17:24] Because she's like, I never had an imaginary friend.

[17:25] And he's like, huh, you didn't, huh?

[17:27] Hmm.

[17:28] Or someone's like, you guys make a great team.

[17:30] And he's like, yeah, we did once.

[17:32] And it's like, either you dated or you were her imaginary friend.

[17:35] Well, yeah.

[17:35] And here's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[17:36] Like, our friend, Matt Carman, who does tech work for our show, who puts together a lot

[17:42] of the presentations and such.

[17:44] Part car, part man, all Matt.

[17:46] He texted me.

[17:47] I was venting my spleen about if, like my ire about if.

Elliott Kalan

[17:51] You got to do it every six months, people.

[17:53] Yeah.

[17:53] Just to keep it clean.

[17:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:55] And I referenced the twist.

[17:56] He's like, yeah, but that twist, I was very happy when it happened.

[17:59] And I'm like, was it because it means that this young child was not unsupervised, just

[18:04] wandering around with a man for the entire movie?

[18:06] He was like, yes, that was it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:07] No, instead she was wandering around by herself, talking to nothing.

[18:09] Yeah.

[18:10] Yeah.

[18:10] Which is why no one was bothering her, because they thought that, they thought a child with

[18:14] serious mental instabilities was wandering the streets.

Stuart Wellington

[18:17] And so, as an imaginary friend, he's kind of like a clown figure.

[18:21] And he looks like her dad, and her dad is kind of a clown guy.

[18:25] So, did John Krasinski make a move, and he's like, you know what?

[18:28] Ryan Reynolds looks just like me.

Elliott Kalan

[18:31] Maybe.

[18:31] If it was a richer film, I think they could have, that would be a deliberate thing, and

[18:36] they would play off of it more clearly.

[18:39] That she has, maybe even that her dad is too jokey.

[18:44] He doesn't engage with her actual emotions.

[18:46] And so, she's created an imaginary friend who can do that, almost as a way to give her dad

[18:50] permission.

[18:51] He doesn't have to do that anymore.

[18:52] Like, that's a better version of this movie, you know?

[18:55] But...

[18:56] Yeah, that's a pretty meaningful interpretation.

[18:57] Yeah.

[18:58] Okay.

[18:59] But there's nothing in the text of this movie that supports that reading at all.

Stuart Wellington

[19:02] So, she followed...

[19:04] Now, ignore all the stuff I said about him being an imaginary friend, because he looks like

[19:08] a normal human man.

[19:09] So, she follows...

[19:10] She follows him...

[19:11] With suspenders.

[19:11] I mean, like, he's not...

[19:12] I guess he's not that normal.

[19:13] So, she follows him through the streets of Brooklyn with an animated bug, and he climbs...

[19:18] Bug lady.

[19:18] She watches him break into a kid's bedroom.

[19:22] And at this point, I'm like, this is...

[19:23] I think this is not cool.

[19:25] No.

[19:26] Like, is he the villain?

Elliott Kalan

[19:28] So, he breaks into this kid's bedroom.

[19:30] That would be amazing.

[19:30] If he was a child snatcher, and she's like, yeah, I'll help you.

[19:35] My life's falling apart.

[19:36] Yeah, I'll...

[19:36] And it's just the rest of them is them.

[19:37] Them and kidnapping children so the bug lady can suck their blood out of their bodies.

[19:41] I mean, that's like a Roald Dahl book.

[19:43] Yeah.

[19:43] Yeah, that's true.

[19:45] So, she...

[19:45] Oh, I'm Mr. Kid Snatcher.

[19:47] Oh, I'll help you.

[19:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[19:49] So, Ryan Reynolds breaks into a little kid's bedroom while they're asleep, and we're introduced

[19:54] to the first large imaginary creature.

[19:58] Blue, who's a giant purple fuzzy guy.

[20:01] He's on all the posters.

Elliott Kalan

[20:02] I believe when introduced, he does say, I'm blue.

[20:07] No.

[20:07] But then fails to follow it up with the proper next phrase, which is, da-boo-dee, da-boo-dye.

[20:16] Da-boo-dee, da-boo-dye.

[20:19] So, that's another ding on the movie right there.

[20:21] That's a...

[20:22] I don't know how I didn't see that coming.

Stuart Wellington

[20:25] It's like a fucking rake is on the ground.

Elliott Kalan

[20:29] You just keep stepping on it.

[20:31] Literally, the moment that character was introduced, I was like, I know what I'm going to say.

Stuart Wellington

[20:38] It's like, that's a wrapped live show, baby.

[20:41] Right over the plate.

[20:43] So, Blue, voiced by Steve Carell and Ryan Reynolds in Blossom all leave.

[20:48] Bea sees them.

[20:49] She is overwhelmed and faints.

[20:51] Only to wake up in this grown man's apartment, surrounded by animated characters.

[20:56] They basically explain the rules of this world.

[20:59] Dan, do you want to explain...

[20:59] You love background and rules.

[21:01] Yeah, you love lore, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:02] Well, I mean, this does introduce something that makes me very angry about the movie, which is,

[21:07] Blue is worried...

[21:08] Purple, by the way.

[21:09] They did talk about that later, or did we?

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] Yeah, he's purple, and he goes, oh, my kid was colorblind.

[21:13] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[21:14] Blue says, like, oh, you know, once the kids stop seeing us, if they stop believing in us,

[21:20] like, eventually we disappear.

[21:22] And, like, the point, I guess, of trying to break into this thing is, like, oh, if I get

[21:27] a new kid to have me be the imaginary friend, I don't have to disappear.

[21:31] Except, like, later on we see what appears to be a retirement community for imaginary friends

[21:39] who are in no apparent danger of disappearing at any moment.

[21:43] Not at all.

Elliott Kalan

[21:44] There's...

[21:45] So...

[21:45] It seems like that is a specific anxiety only Blue has.

[21:49] And, otherwise, imaginary friends just retire and then have fun on their own afterwards.

[21:57] And so the impetus to get them new kid, imagine, you know, new kid hosts for their parasitic

[22:02] lifestyle.

[22:04] Yeah.

[22:05] There's kind of low stakes.

[22:06] Low stakes, I would say, since the imaginary friends are all like, oh, yeah, yeah, we can

[22:11] have new kids.

[22:11] That'd be great.

[22:12] Yeah, sure, sure.

[22:13] Okay, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:13] So why does something like Monsters, Inc. work and this does not work?

[22:17] I...

[22:18] Well, I mean, there's a number of reasons Monsters, Inc. work and this does not work.

[22:21] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[22:22] Why?

[22:23] Hold on.

[22:23] Imagine if it's a charge.

[22:24] Imagine if it's a spark, funny jokes, strong characters.

[22:26] Well, here's why it's...

[22:27] Here's a couple reasons, I think.

[22:28] One, the mechanics of that world are stated clearly and consistent throughout.

[22:33] They are powered by screams.

[22:35] They've got to get kids to scream.

[22:37] But they've been led to believe that kids are dangerous for them.

[22:41] So every time you go into that kid's room to get a scream, you're actually...

[22:44] That's what's brilliant about the movie is it's like kids are afraid of monsters, but

[22:47] what if it was that the monsters were really afraid of the kids?

[22:49] That's a great way to do it.

[22:51] As opposed to this, which is like, what if imaginary friends were real?

[22:54] And yes.

[22:57] And I found myself watching it.

[22:58] I'm like, this doesn't have the emotional complexity of drop dead Fred, which handles

Dan McCoy

[23:03] similar material, you know?

[23:05] And it's like, they're all sad because the kids have forgotten them.

[23:08] And I like, look, as a metaphor, I can map that onto other things and be like, okay, yeah.

[23:14] Like I would see being forgotten by a kid is sad.

[23:17] But in real life, I'm like, yes, children, you know, like they forget imaginary friends

[23:23] at a certain point.

[23:24] And I reject the message of this movie that adults also need their imaginary friends at

[23:29] all times.

Elliott Kalan

[23:30] I would tell you that a large part of the problem with the country right now is a lot

[23:34] of adults do feel like they need imaginary friends.

[23:36] How do you?

[23:36] And they have used real people as their stand-ins for those imaginary friends.

[23:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:39] I mean, I think we're all familiar with our parasocial relationship friends.

Elliott Kalan

[23:44] You're all great.

[23:45] No, no, no.

[23:45] Wonderful.

[23:46] I'm sorry for this.

[23:46] I'm sorry for you guys.

[23:47] I mean, the other guys.

[23:49] This made me wonder, did either of you have imaginary friends growing up?

[23:52] I did not.

[23:53] Maybe because my life was just too fun, you know?

Dan McCoy

[23:56] No, not like a specific, like one that stayed the same.

[23:59] You know, I would imagine things, but not, yeah.

[24:01] Yeah, okay.

[24:02] No, I mean, I had a little brother and we just beat each other up.

Elliott Kalan

[24:06] Because I somehow, I always, when I was a kid, I always wanted an imaginary friend, like

[24:09] in the cartoons, where you think they're real.

[24:11] And I could never buy into that level of fake reality, which is ironic, since as an adult,

[24:16] I constantly think that I'm seeing things out of the corner of my eyes that are not there.

Dan McCoy

[24:20] Oh, you are.

[24:21] You're being followed.

[24:21] What?

[24:24] You watched that videotape I sent you, and that's the...

Elliott Kalan

[24:26] That was you who sent that to me?

Dan McCoy

[24:28] Look, it was you or me.

Elliott Kalan

[24:29] I thought that was Michael Haneke who sent me that.

Stuart Wellington

[24:33] What a weird mashup that was.

[24:35] Yeah.

[24:36] So, B runs into Blue at the hospital.

[24:41] And she basically, she talks to this guy who's Steve Carell, and he's a giant monster.

Elliott Kalan

[24:47] And he sneezes a lot, and I think Blue is supposed to be kind of like adorably clumsy and goofy.

[24:52] But he comes off, the characters are, he's like not clumsy enough to really cause problems that are funny,

[24:58] but the characters treat him as if he is a constant, like, annoyance to be around.

[25:03] But nothing he's doing is that annoying.

[25:04] So, there's one part where he's about to say, this is in the trailers, he's about to say the word if,

[25:07] and she goes, don't say if, and he's holding the word in, and he's like about to explode because he's holding it in.

[25:12] And she's like, okay, say it.

[25:13] And he says, if, and the whole time I'm like, why did you not want him to say if?

[25:16] Yeah.

[25:17] I don't understand.

[25:17] It's not an annoying thing that he's doing.

[25:18] This is a joke without a setup.

Dan McCoy

[25:19] Because, like, if he had been saying if over and over and over again, perhaps, it's still not funny,

[25:25] but you understand why it's happening.

Elliott Kalan

[25:27] Or if it was like an annoyingly silly word.

[25:30] If it was like, well, us giggly gloops, we're always, if she was like, please don't say giggly gloops.

[25:34] Please, it hurts my clangs on the ears.

Stuart Wellington

[25:37] Yeah, just make them like minions or some shit, right?

Elliott Kalan

[25:39] Kids like that.

[25:40] Kids love, speaking for my children, kids love minions,

[25:44] considering I took them to see Despicable Me 4 because they demanded it,

[25:47] and they spent the entire car ride home trying to decide which was their favorite minion.

[25:51] And they could not, they couldn't get it.

[25:53] They kept changing their minds.

Stuart Wellington

[25:54] Do you think, like, in an original version of the script,

[25:56] the ifs were a lot more like minions and Steve Carell got involved?

[25:59] He's like, nope.

Elliott Kalan

[26:00] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] You can't fuck with my money, baby.

[26:03] These guys again?

Elliott Kalan

[26:03] I'm tired of them.

[26:05] I'm guessing the original version of the script was pretty close to the shooting script.

[26:09] And by that, I mean the first draft.

Stuart Wellington

[26:11] Okay, so B and Blue come up with a plan that she is going to help all these retired ifs

[26:18] whose kids have, like, aged out of being their friend,

[26:23] that she's going to help them all find placements with new kids,

[26:27] and Ryan Reynolds agrees to this for some reason.

[26:29] So they get on a...

Elliott Kalan

[26:31] Again, Ryan Reynolds spends the entire movie being like,

[26:33] ugh, ugh, please don't.

[26:35] Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[26:36] Yeah, at one point he's like, I don't know, that's above my pay grade.

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] And I'm like, do you have a job?

[26:41] What's going on?

[26:42] There's never a reason for him to do anything,

[26:44] and there's never a reason for him to not want to do anything.

[26:47] There's a lack of motivation.

Dan McCoy

[26:49] Also, the reveal that he's her imaginary friend...

[26:52] Spoiler alert.

[26:53] ...does not explain his general reticence throughout the whole rest of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[26:58] Well, I don't know that he finds it all painful.

[26:59] I think that's what you're supposed to get,

[27:00] is this is all painful for him because he can't find the courage to tell her,

[27:05] I was her imaginary friend.

[27:06] All right, maybe...

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] He's so hurtful.

[27:07] He's adding so much more depth in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[27:10] I'm just going to say this because there's so much in this movie

[27:13] that all the characters behave in ways where they're like,

[27:17] you guys get it.

[27:18] You understand why we're acting like this, right?

[27:20] And I was like, no, I don't.

[27:22] This movie will not stop explaining itself to me,

[27:24] but I don't understand any of it.

Elliott Kalan

[27:25] Yeah, with him, I think that is in there,

[27:28] that you're supposed to say, why is he so against all this?

[27:32] Oh, it's because he feels like she abandoned him.

[27:35] But until that moment, you're like, why?

[27:38] Like, what?

[27:39] What's your attitude problem?

[27:40] You're hanging out with cartoons all day.

[27:42] You have the greatest life in the world.

[27:44] You live for free in the attic in this beautiful building in Brooklyn.

Stuart Wellington

[27:47] And speaking of moments, we're finally at it.

[27:51] Our characters take the F train all the way to Coney Island, Brooklyn.

[27:55] Coney Island.

[27:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:57] There's a big picture of Coney Island behind us.

[27:59] That's why there's a big deal.

[28:00] Where they go underneath a...

[28:02] Wait a second.

[28:03] Hold on.

[28:03] Before they go underneath.

[28:04] They go to Coney Island.

[28:05] It's all locked.

[28:06] Luna Park is all closed.

[28:08] Coney Island, I guess nobody uses it anymore,

[28:11] which is weird because it's...

[28:14] People do use it all the time.

[28:16] Like, again, they act as if Coney Island is like one of those abandoned amusement parks

[28:21] that Batman fights at.

[28:22] Like that, oh, nobody's been around here for a long time.

[28:24] The city has like 20 abandoned amusement parks.

Dan McCoy

[28:27] The rides aren't...

[28:28] You know, they don't run the rides off-season,

[28:30] but like they don't lock it up either.

[28:32] No.

[28:32] You can go down there.

[28:33] You can walk along the boardwalk.

[28:34] You can walk amongst the...

Elliott Kalan

[28:35] If there's any place that in the last 10 or so years, 50 years,

[28:37] has been revitalized far more than it was for years.

[28:41] So it's very weird for them to choose such an,

[28:43] let's say, iconic amusement park for it to be like,

[28:47] yeah, it used to be full of people,

[28:49] but nobody rides the Cyclone anymore.

[28:51] And it's like, dude, I ride the Cyclone.

Dan McCoy

[28:54] Maybe the problem is we're coming here in January, Ryan.

[28:56] Well, that's part of it, yeah.

[28:58] I wonder if John Krasinski did his location scouting in the winter

Elliott Kalan

[29:01] and was like, great, Coney Island, abandoned,

[29:03] nobody's using the rides.

Stuart Wellington

[29:06] So underneath the carousel of Coney Island,

[29:08] we find the Retirement Home for Imaginary Friends,

[29:12] which is basically set up like an idyllic retirement home

[29:17] filled with various wacky characters,

[29:21] and that means lots of cameos!

[29:23] That's right, we have George Clooney,

[29:26] Awkwafina, Emily Blunt.

[29:28] Oh man, how many more?

[29:29] How did he get Emily Blunt?

[29:30] Bradley Cooper, Matt Damon, Bill Hader.

[29:33] Oh, my wife's favorite comedian,

[29:35] Sebastian Menescalco!

[29:37] Who did, wait, who is Sebastian Menescalco?

Elliott Kalan

[29:39] I don't know, one of the ones?

Stuart Wellington

[29:41] Like, maybe the little dog that flies around?

[29:43] Oh, maybe.

[29:44] The one with the, like, Italian-American accent?

[29:48] Richard Jenkins, Keegan-Michael Key.

[29:50] Oh man, how many more of these?

[29:52] Christopher Maloney.

[29:52] He never does voices.

[29:53] Jon Stewart.

[29:54] Jon Stewart's in this?

Elliott Kalan

[29:56] Yeah, Jon Stewart has a few lines as a robot.

Stuart Wellington

[29:58] And I will say that if you are going to be filling out your movie with,

[30:03] I don't know, like, voice cameos from people,

[30:06] maybe instead of getting big movie stars,

[30:07] you should consider getting podcasters!

[30:11] I sincerely believe, though, getting niche stars,

[30:14] people will come, like, it's not like people are going to be like,

[30:16] oh, Brad Pitt does one line in this movie.

[30:19] Let's go see it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:20] You know, it's there for people to have that shock of recognition

[30:23] where they're like, oh, I know that voice.

Stuart Wellington

[30:25] They're not like, oh, that's the ladies from Normal Gossip.

[30:30] I think that would get people to see it.

[30:32] Okay.

[30:33] And at the heart of this complex is an old teddy bear dog.

[30:39] No, bear.

[30:40] Teddy bear bear.

[30:41] Teddy bear, yeah.

[30:42] Voiced by Louis Gossett.

[30:43] There's no dog aspect to him.

[30:44] Louis Gossett Jr. playing a character named Louis, I believe.

Dan McCoy

[30:47] Yes.

[30:47] I appreciate you telling me that because I was too lazy to look it up.

Elliott Kalan

[30:50] That's why at the end of the movie,

[30:52] it says, in memory of our friend Louis Gossett Jr.

[30:54] and shows that teddy bear.

Dan McCoy

[30:55] Oh, I turned the film off immediately.

[30:58] I pulled a steward on this one.

[31:00] I'm like, as soon as it fades out, I'm like, that's it.

[31:02] If consigned to the dustbin of history.

Stuart Wellington

[31:07] So he seems to be the leader.

[31:08] He's described as being 92 years old,

[31:11] which is a little weird because I'm like,

[31:13] did they get older?

[31:14] What's up?

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] Just like...

[31:16] He does move like an old man.

[31:18] I mean, was he always an imaginary old man bear?

[31:21] Like, maybe.

[31:22] I don't understand it.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] It's an interesting question.

Stuart Wellington

[31:25] But he explains to Bea that this retirement home,

[31:28] you can control with your imagination.

[31:30] So, yes, go on.

[31:32] So she starts changing the world around her,

[31:35] changing the floors,

[31:36] making things turn into, I don't know, like outer space.

[31:39] Ryan Reynolds is running away from this, terrified.

[31:41] She stalks after him like fucking Tetsuo.

Elliott Kalan

[31:43] This is the part...

[31:45] Oh, if only.

[31:46] If only she became Tetsuo at that moment.

[31:49] She's going, ah!

[31:50] Her limbs are just bursting into flesh mechanical bubbles.

[31:54] And there's just telekinetic energy flying everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[31:57] I mean, it's a much better story about the horrors of adolescence

[32:00] and your body changing.

Elliott Kalan

[32:02] Yeah.

[32:02] Bea flies up to the space satellite and shoots a laser at Brooklyn.

[32:06] And just puts a hole in the moon.

Dan McCoy

[32:08] When I talk about stuff in the movie that I'm like,

[32:10] I don't understand why it's happening like this.

[32:12] This is one of the things where it's like,

[32:14] where like she's like,

[32:14] he's like, oh, you can change with your mind.

[32:16] And Ryan Reynolds is like, oh, no.

[32:18] No, no.

[32:19] No.

[32:19] And he starts running around the hall.

[32:21] He's running around like, no, no, no, no, no.

[32:22] Whoa.

[32:22] Change around.

[32:23] And I'm like, wait.

[32:24] You took her to this imaginary place where you can use your imagination.

[32:27] Like, why are you scared of this all of a sudden?

[32:29] Why are you acting like this?

[32:30] And then there's a long sequence, which honestly doesn't make any sense.

[32:35] But in a way, it's the only part of the movie I kind of enjoyed.

[32:38] Because at least on a visual level, stuff is happening and a Tina Turner song plays.

[32:42] I'm like, I'm enjoying this Tina Turner song.

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] Not since Beyond Thunderdome have you had both of those things at the same time.

Stuart Wellington

[32:48] And Ryan Reynolds is like, everybody's outfits keep changing.

[32:53] There's a big dance number set to What Better Be Good to Me by Tina Turner,

[32:58] where Ryan Reynolds looks like the cool dad from My Two Dads.

[33:02] Paul Reiser, yeah.

[33:03] And it is a moment where I'm like, I love Tina Turner.

[33:05] I think he's the cool one.

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:08] But this feels like an odd choice for a kid to like a weird Tina Turner song.

[33:13] Yes, because this is what John Krasinski likes.

Elliott Kalan

[33:16] Or someone his age.

[33:18] So this is the movie equivalent.

[33:21] This is going to sound harsh.

[33:22] I don't mean it as harsh as it sounds.

[33:24] Because I know this movie's broken heart is in the right place.

[33:27] Of World War II.

[33:29] Yeah.

[33:29] This is the movie equivalent of genocide.

[33:32] No, it's the movie equivalent of the kind of toy store they have in Brooklyn.

[33:37] And I know because I used to live there.

[33:38] Where you walk in, all the toys are beautiful.

[33:41] They're all made out of wood.

[33:43] They all cost $25 to $45.

[33:45] They don't do much, but they look gorgeous.

[33:47] They would look beautiful on a shelf in a child's room.

[33:50] And parents love them.

[33:51] And kids do not like them.

[33:53] They are not attracted to them.

[33:54] They don't want to play with them.

[33:56] They do nothing.

[33:56] This movie's kind of like that, where it's like, here's a kid's movie.

[33:59] But it's really like, it's for a parent's emotions.

[34:02] Like, it's for a parent's feelings.

[34:04] More than it's for a kid.

[34:04] And my kids really wanted to watch this movie with me.

[34:06] They kept saying, are you watching If?

[34:08] Can we go see If?

[34:09] I was like, this movie better not stick around in the theaters.

[34:11] Because I don't want to take them to go see If.

[34:12] And I'm like, I'm doing it for the podcast.

[34:14] Can we watch it with you?

[34:15] No, I have to do it while I'm doing the dishes.

[34:17] Get back in your cage.

[34:19] Yeah, get in your cage.

[34:20] Yeah.

[34:20] And while I was watching it, I was like, I think they'd be really good.

[34:23] We want to spend time with you, Dad.

[34:25] No, no.

[34:27] Here are the lyrics to Cat's Cradle.

[34:28] This is your life now.

[34:31] It's a cycle of abandonment.

[34:33] Anyway, while I was watching the movie, I was like, I think my kids would be really bored

[34:37] by this.

[34:38] Because this is an adult's idea of what a kid's movie should be like.

[34:42] The same way that when that Marcel the Shell movie came out, I was like, this is a very

[34:46] sweet movie.

[34:47] I'm going to take my kids to it.

[34:48] And they were like, like, boring.

[34:52] Like, there's a certain type of movie or thing where adults are like, kids love this.

[34:56] And then kids don't love it.

[34:58] And the flip side of that is, weeks earlier on Father's Day, I took my kids to see a screening

[35:03] of E.T., which my older son had seen, my younger one had not seen before.

[35:06] And that movie destroys a child.

[35:08] Like, a child is so sad afterwards.

[35:10] But afterwards, they're like, I hate that movie, but I love it.

[35:13] And I'm like, yeah, there you go.

[35:14] That's a movie for kids.

[35:15] There you go.

[35:16] You made you feel something.

[35:17] You're like, delicious tears.

[35:19] Yeah.

[35:19] Have my, take my trauma.

[35:21] Yeah.

[35:22] I'm just licking the tears off their face.

[35:24] Yeah.

[35:24] Mmm, precious salt.

[35:26] Mmm.

[35:27] But this is, but this.

Dan McCoy

[35:30] Did we mention Elliot is sort of a mythical figure?

[35:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[35:33] I'm a salt vampire.

[35:34] Lips off the misery of children.

Elliott Kalan

[35:35] You can read about it in Persian mythology.

[35:38] But you're right that in this sequence, this is not stuff that makes sense for a kid to

[35:43] be into.

[35:43] But also, it doesn't make sense why Ryan Reynolds is like,

[35:47] uh-oh, oh no.

[35:48] Except the idea that it hurts him to see him doing that.

[35:52] But also, here's my main problem with it.

[35:54] Here's my main problem.

[35:55] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[35:55] Oh, we're getting into it, finally.

Elliott Kalan

[35:57] The point, well, one of my problems.

[35:59] The point of this movie seemed to be, these imaginary friends are going to teach this girl

[36:03] how to have fun again.

[36:05] Her life has been hard.

[36:06] It is time for her to learn how to use her imagination and be playful.

[36:09] But halfway through the fucking movie, it's like, she loves it.

[36:11] Ryan Reynolds needs to learn a lesson about being playful.

[36:14] Yeah.

[36:14] And it's like, who is this movie about?

[36:17] Like, wait.

[36:17] Well, not since Big Trouble in Little China has the sidekick become the main character in

[36:22] like this.

Stuart Wellington

[36:22] And also, the idea is that it's like, hey, you need to have fun again.

[36:26] So you're going to have fun by getting a fucking job.

[36:30] So if this is...

[36:31] Hey, it's capitalism.

[36:32] So if this is an adult's version idea of a kid's movie, what's a kid's idea of an adult

Elliott Kalan

[36:38] movie?

[36:38] A kid's idea of an adult movie is probably a whole movie of people talking about politics

[36:42] and reading the newspaper and kissing.

[36:45] But not kissing open mouth, kissing closed mouth.

[36:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:48] Probably they all imagine My Dinner with Andre.

[36:51] They're like, it's just people talking.

Elliott Kalan

[36:53] You know what?

[36:53] That's all it is.

[36:54] I think that is what kids...

[36:55] And I mean, they're lucky because My Dinner with Andre is a great movie.

[36:58] Yeah.

[36:58] I remember growing up, it was like, that was the...

[37:01] There were two default references for movies that people don't like.

[37:04] Ishtar was just what you mentioned when it was supposed to be really bad.

[37:06] And My Dinner with Andre was if a movie is really boring.

[37:09] And Seventh Seal was if it's a foreign movie.

[37:13] Every foreign movie is a Seventh Seal.

[37:15] Every grown up boring movie is My Dinner with Andre.

[37:16] And then finally, as a young adult watching My Dinner with Andre and being like, I'm riveted

[37:20] by this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[37:21] This is an amazing movie.

[37:22] It is.

[37:23] So B and Gang...

[37:25] Seventh Seal's good too.

[37:26] B and Gang interview a bunch of different ifs with the intention of introducing them

[37:31] to her friend, Daniel?

[37:33] Benjamin.

[37:33] Benjamin, sorry.

[37:34] Sorry.

[37:35] Sorry.

[37:36] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[37:37] No, it's all right.

[37:38] I don't know you're an imaginary friend, Stuart.

[37:40] I got you guys.

[37:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] Oh, thanks, man.

[37:43] I mean, Stuart, you are kind of transitioning slowly into being an imaginary friend.

[37:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:47] I kind of always have.

[37:47] You're getting cooler over time.

[37:48] Thank you.

[37:50] So she keeps trying to introduce them to Benjamin and he can't see them.

[37:55] It doesn't seem to work.

[37:56] So she has to...

[37:57] And this is also a great venue for all these cameos that we're getting.

[38:02] It doesn't work out though.

[38:03] So she ends up going out to the Coney Island boardwalk, which is again, totally abandoned

[38:07] except for Louis the bear.

[38:09] Bear if...

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] I mean, maybe this takes place during COVID and that's why there's nobody out on the streets.

[38:14] And he explains to her that like things that happen in your life...

[38:18] Don't follow up that suggestion.

Dan McCoy

[38:19] We don't need to walk down COVID Avenue.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] I mean, if you're going somewhere, please take another route than down COVID Avenue.

Stuart Wellington

[38:25] I just know that when we start talking about politics, when we start talking about COVID,

[38:29] Dan starts getting into his anti-vaccine.

[38:32] We don't need that.

Dan McCoy

[38:34] No.

[38:34] Quit trying to paint me as a running gag.

[38:39] I'm not a record.

[38:40] I don't need a needle stuck in me.

Elliott Kalan

[38:42] All right, Dan.

[38:42] Okay.

[38:43] All right.

[38:44] I...

[38:46] That's Dan's new character, the anti-vaxxer who's really into vinyl.

Dan McCoy

[38:50] I actually...

[38:51] I just got a tetanus shot two days ago when Stuart was like, aww.

[38:55] I'm like, ow, ow, ow.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] Imagine if you could get a Tetsuo shot and you turned into Tetsuo from Akira.

Stuart Wellington

[39:01] Oh, sick.

[39:03] So she's hanging out with this old bear imaginary friend.

[39:08] And he explains that like...

Elliott Kalan

[39:09] Imagine all the things you can do with an imaginary friend, like sit on a bench and talk.

Stuart Wellington

[39:13] He's like, as long as you can remember it, it still exists forever.

[39:17] And then they...

[39:18] All of a sudden, the boardwalk is populated with people in old-timey outfits.

[39:22] And all the various imaginary friends are wearing also old-timey outfits.

[39:25] And they have a really good time hanging out in Coney Island.

[39:28] And it's great because finally people are in Coney Island.

[39:33] She goes to see her grandma.

[39:34] And her grandma explains that she used to be really into dancing.

[39:37] But she kind of gave up on that dream when she realized that she, I don't know, couldn't be a professional dancer or something.

Elliott Kalan

[39:43] She says like, I just got too old or something like that, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[39:45] And so we learn that Blossom, the animated bug, is her imaginary friend.

[39:50] So they basically like trick her into dancing by playing the perfect record.

[39:56] The soundtrack to Spartacus.

[39:57] Yes, they put it on.

[40:00] And so Fiona Shaw does a really nice dance number that's very over-lit by Janosz Kaminski.

[40:05] And then Blossom is dancing in the background.

[40:08] They kind of dance together.

[40:10] And then like Blossom starts to glow like she's becoming Super Saiyan.

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] Yeah.

[40:14] I will say, this is one of the...

[40:16] There's a couple scenes in the movie where I was like, if the movie was more like this more often, this could be a really good movie.

[40:21] I find something very beautiful in this because even though it's pretty syrupy, they don't overdo it in the same way.

[40:28] And it's not whimsical.

[40:29] It's like this old woman thinks that nobody is...

[40:31] She's literally dancing like nobody's watching.

[40:34] And that means she can dance the way she did when she was a ballerina.

[40:36] And Blossom does not enter into a hilarious synchronized like routine where they're dancing together and like trading off fives and stuff like that.

[40:45] But they're...

[40:45] But instead...

[40:46] Like I thought this was very sweet.

Stuart Wellington

[40:47] Are you talking shit about the Sonic the Hedgehog movie we just watched?

Elliott Kalan

[40:51] Not specifically, but kind of.

Dan McCoy

[40:54] Yeah, I do agree.

[40:55] And also that she's not dancing to like a pop song from the 70s or something like that.

[40:57] Spoiler alert.

[40:58] I do not care for this movie at all.

[40:59] But there are a couple...

[41:00] Really?

[41:01] There are a couple parts in the second half of the movie where the movie does not overplay its hand.

[41:04] And those are the only parts where I'm like, oh, okay.

[41:07] Like you're coming close to getting an emotion out of me.

[41:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:10] But then Blossom glows.

[41:12] But like that's it.

[41:13] It's not like her grandmother is like, Blossom, you're back.

[41:16] Yeah.

[41:16] For like a second.

Stuart Wellington

[41:17] At the end, she totally does.

[41:18] Yeah.

[41:19] At the end, we're not there yet.

[41:20] Yeah.

[41:20] So they have a new strategy.

[41:24] They're not going to try and find new kids to pair them with.

[41:27] They're going to try and make these old people remember that they like their imaginary friends or something.

[41:32] So they go and find...

[41:33] Sorry, kids.

[41:34] Once again, the boomers are going to take all the stuff and leave you with nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[41:39] Which is the thing is that again...

[41:41] Imaginary friends, we don't want to let go of those.

[41:43] We'll keep that.

[41:43] And superheroes.

[41:44] We'll make them our own.

[41:46] Sorry, kids.

[41:48] Enjoy living in a climate depleted wasteland with no new IP.

Stuart Wellington

[41:55] Like a Rumpelstilts boomer.

[41:59] Let's stop making Star Wars for kids now.

[42:01] Let's make it super gross.

Elliott Kalan

[42:02] Star Wars has got to be gritty because I'm a grown-up and I don't want to read books.

[42:07] I don't want to watch my dinner with Andre.

[42:11] I don't want to...

[42:12] Why can't I have a cool, sophisticated first story about mutant turtles who do martial arts?

Stuart Wellington

[42:20] I mean, the first Ninja Turtles movie is pretty cool.

[42:23] Okay, so they go to find Blue's friend, which is...

[42:30] Bobby Moynihan.

[42:31] Bobby Moynihan playing kind of a nervous character named Jeremy.

[42:34] They trick him into smelling croissants.

[42:36] And then Blue and him connect over him having to have a really important meeting.

Elliott Kalan

[42:40] So, wait.

[42:41] I want to slow down just a moment on this.

[42:42] One, because I think Bobby Moynihan does...

[42:44] This is a small part.

[42:45] He's very good.

[42:46] I thought he was really good in it.

[42:47] But also, they're like, okay, his family owned a bakery.

[42:50] And his favorite thing as a kid was croissants.

[42:52] Because it was a snack he could always have because they were making it.

[42:55] So, he's at a coffee shop.

[42:57] And he goes to the bathroom because he's practicing for a business sales pitch.

[43:00] And he's like, get it together, man.

[43:01] Get it together.

[43:02] You can do this.

[43:03] And Blue is embarrassed and can't approach him.

[43:06] In the men's bathroom at a coffee shop.

[43:08] The place everyone wants to meet their imaginary friend.

[43:11] And then they're like, here's what we'll do.

[43:14] And that's a spacious bathroom in a coffee shop in Midtown.

[43:17] A homeless person should be living in that bathroom.

[43:20] And so, they're like, we'll follow him to where he's doing the presentation.

[43:24] B's like, I'll just sit there and eat a croissant.

[43:27] And when he smells it, just like the end of Ratatouille, it's going to take him back to his childhood.

[43:32] And you'll connect.

[43:33] And I was like, I mean, he was just in the coffee shop.

[43:36] So, he's smelling croissants in there.

Dan McCoy

[43:39] I think there were those specific croissants from the specific.

[43:41] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[43:41] From his family's bakery?

[43:43] I don't know, man.

[43:43] Had they got it within minutes?

[43:44] I'm not John Krasinski.

[43:46] Make it something harder to smell than a croissant, which is everywhere.

[43:50] Yeah, make it a croissant.

[43:50] He must be smelling it all the time.

[43:53] At least make it like some kind of fancy French cookie.

[43:56] Make it a macaron or something like that.

[43:58] Something that they only sell at most places and not every place.

Dan McCoy

[44:01] If they made it a madeleine, it would.

[44:04] It's a little on the nose.

[44:05] The estate of Proust would sue them.

Elliott Kalan

[44:07] Yeah, they'd be sued by Proust, Inc.

[44:10] It's like, you know what?

[44:11] As a kid, he lived next to a tunnel.

[44:14] So, the sound of honking horns really reminds us.

[44:17] So, we'll have him in a car.

[44:19] We'll honk the horn.

[44:19] We're getting so close to the end.

[44:20] And it's like, you mean that sound he's going to hear every day all the time?

[44:23] Oh, no, no.

[44:23] I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[44:24] I'm going to slow this down.

[44:24] Look at the clock.

[44:25] Oh, no.

[44:26] I forgot about the clock.

[44:27] So, they're celebrating their newfound success.

[44:30] Cal is finally loosening up.

[44:31] He's dancing.

[44:32] That's Ryan Reynolds.

[44:34] They think they're doing a great job.

[44:36] Unfortunately, when they get back to the apartment, grandma's nervous because there was a problem

[44:40] at the hospital of some kind.

[44:42] Uh-oh.

[44:43] Don't worry.

[44:43] It's not really a problem because they show up at the hospital.

[44:46] He's just recovering.

[44:47] He's in a huge hospital room.

[44:49] It's amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[44:50] This is the first time that John Krasinski's character is wearing a hospital gown as well.

[44:53] Up to this point, he has been just hanging around in the hospital in his regular street clothes

[44:57] all the time.

[44:58] As if he's trying to convince them he's a visitor and can leave whenever he wants.

[45:02] Yeah.

[45:02] I mean, it's a good trick.

Dan McCoy

[45:03] Doing goofs and dancing around with his IV bag.

[45:06] I don't think that hospitals just have you there for weeks on end beforehand if you're okay.

Elliott Kalan

[45:13] Usually, your pre-surgery time in the hospital is not like, yeah, an entire week of just hanging

[45:17] out.

[45:18] Yeah.

[45:18] Unless maybe the doctor was just busy and they kept rescheduling the surgery.

[45:22] Anyway, it doesn't seem like he really needs to be in the hospital all that time.

Stuart Wellington

[45:25] That's why hospitals are so expensive these days.

[45:29] So, her dad is recovering.

[45:31] He's asleep.

[45:32] Because John Krasinski's using them up?

Elliott Kalan

[45:34] Sorry, we don't have any free rooms.

[45:36] John Krasinski's just hanging out.

[45:37] He's just doing bits.

[45:38] He just wants to goof.

Dan McCoy

[45:39] You might remember him from The Office or Leatherheads.

[45:41] Well, probably not Leatherheads, but The Office.

[45:42] You remember?

[45:43] He's Reacher.

Elliott Kalan

[45:44] No, not that Reacher.

[45:45] No, he's not Reacher.

Stuart Wellington

[45:46] He's Jack.

[45:46] What is he?

[45:47] Jack Ryan.

[45:48] Oh, sorry.

[45:49] Yeah, yeah.

[45:49] Sure.

[45:50] So, Bea is trying to connect with her father who's asleep and she basically monologues and talks

[45:59] about her entire life story.

[46:00] It's one of those moments where it's clearly like, I don't know, one of my issues is that

[46:04] it's like, this is a child character who everything she says and does is like a little adult.

Elliott Kalan

[46:11] She's wise beyond her years.

[46:12] If the movie was consistent, she would be like, we'd see that she's kind of trying too hard

[46:17] to be a grown up, but instead she's just a precocious kid who just talks beyond her years.

Stuart Wellington

[46:21] Okay, so she talks to her dad and then he wakes up and it's great.

[46:24] He's fine.

[46:25] And then when she turns around.

Elliott Kalan

[46:26] Basically tells him a story about how she needs her dad.

Stuart Wellington

[46:28] Yeah.

[46:28] Then like she turns around and like all the imaginary friends are gone and then she goes

[46:32] back to the apartment to go talk to Ryan Reynolds and he's not even there.

[46:37] And she goes up in there and it's like totally empty.

[46:40] There's nobody.

Elliott Kalan

[46:40] There hasn't been a Ryan Reynolds here for 40 years.

[46:45] She goes to the cemetery, sees his grave.

[46:48] The suspenders are on the grave.

Stuart Wellington

[46:54] Yeah.

[46:54] She cries a single tear.

[46:56] Elliot licks it for the salt.

Elliott Kalan

[46:58] Oh, precious salt.

[46:59] The salt of the young is the best.

[47:02] Fresh salt.

[47:03] Innocent salt.

Stuart Wellington

[47:04] So there, everybody's happy.

[47:06] They're packing up.

[47:07] They're packing up.

[47:08] She finds a box of kid stuff, including a drawing she did when she was a child that includes

[47:13] her imaginary friend, Calvin the clown.

[47:17] What?

[47:17] Ryan Reynolds was an imaginary fucking friend?

[47:20] All this time.

[47:21] So she goes back up to that.

[47:23] She goes back up to the attic storage room with the drawing.

[47:26] And at this point, I'm like, is she going to do some like Hellraiser stuff and bring it back?

Elliott Kalan

[47:30] Yeah.

[47:31] She needs flesh to bring back Cal.

Stuart Wellington

[47:33] She doesn't do that.

[47:34] Instead, she turns around and he's there with all the imaginary friends.

[47:38] He's dressed up like a clown.

[47:39] She like takes...

Elliott Kalan

[47:40] Except he's not...

[47:40] It's like he's supposed to be a clown, but he doesn't have clown makeup.

[47:43] He's just wearing a top hat and big gloves.

Stuart Wellington

[47:45] He doesn't like to mess up his face.

[47:46] Even as Deadpool, he looks normal to me.

[47:50] Okay.

[47:50] So this is a personal problem I have with fucking Deadpool.

[47:54] Okay.

[47:54] If he's not going to be grosser than Darkman, I don't see what the problem is.

[47:59] So...

[47:59] That was in Darkman's contract.

[48:00] Nobody can be grosser than him.

[48:04] So she takes the flower.

[48:06] He starts to glow like a super saiyan.

[48:08] I don't know the benefits here.

[48:09] She gives him a hug.

[48:11] That's when they play When I Was Younger and I'm like, fuck you movie.

[48:15] It's such an on the nose fucking needle drop.

[48:17] It sucks.

[48:18] And then we get a montage of various adults running into their past imaginary friends, which

[48:25] are all characters we have previously seen, whether they were a receptionist or a guy working

[48:29] at a bodega.

[48:29] It does not make any sense.

[48:31] Like, there's no epiphany for them.

[48:33] They just run into their imaginary friends.

Elliott Kalan

[48:35] And some of them are happy.

[48:36] Some of them are frightened.

Stuart Wellington

[48:38] Yeah, because like a little ghost that speaks with Christopher Maloney's voice shows up.

[48:42] I'd be kind of scared.

Dan McCoy

[48:46] Yeah, I didn't see any of that because I was like, oh, the movie's over.

[48:49] Yeah, no.

Elliott Kalan

[48:50] You got to give it that last...

[48:52] You know that there are scenes after the credits sometimes.

Dan McCoy

[48:55] Look, here's the thing.

[48:56] Oh, yeah.

[48:57] Yeah, I watched...

[48:59] Maybe my ire for If was...

[49:01] Your If ire?

[49:02] I watched on the train to Boston and we didn't have an easy trip to Boston.

[49:06] Our original train was canceled.

[49:08] We got stuck on a later train.

[49:10] In the meantime, we waited in a waiting room where there was a domestic disturbance that

[49:14] had to be broken up by red caps.

[49:15] It was...

[49:16] Only in New York.

[49:17] A stressful day.

[49:18] And then I had to watch The Whimsy of If.

[49:20] So once it was done, I'm like...

[49:21] That should have lifted you out of that.

Elliott Kalan

[49:23] You should have been like, ah, there is joy in the world.

[49:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:27] And how does that look on your phone?

[49:28] Pretty good?

[49:29] Or...

[49:29] Oh, boy.

[49:30] Gorgeous.

[49:32] As...

[49:32] I think it's time for final judgments.

[49:34] Final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[49:35] Final ifments.

[49:36] Is this a good, bad movie?

[49:38] A bad, bad movie?

[49:39] Or a movie we kind of liked?

[49:41] As I said, did not care for this.

[49:45] I...

[49:46] It is weird to me that there are movies like far more...

[49:50] Morally questionable, far sleazier that I love.

[49:56] And then this movie made me angry and I wanted to discard it.

[49:59] I feel like that says more about you than about the movie.

[50:01] Like, throw it in a...

[50:02] Well, because it is so desperate to tug at the heartstrings.

[50:05] And here's my thing about it is, like, the movie wants to make you feel childlike wonder.

[50:12] And that is its goal.

[50:13] And that's its only goal.

[50:16] It is...

[50:16] It has a feeling it wants to elicit.

[50:18] And it's trying to do that without realizing that in storytelling, sure, that can be a side effect.

[50:24] That can be, like, something that you hope that the movie creates in you.

[50:29] But you do that by focusing on the characters.

[50:33] Like, building, like, an emotional connection or whatever.

[50:35] You can't just hammer, like, wonder, wonder.

[50:38] You're feeling childlike wonder.

[50:39] And, like, that's what it felt like to me.

[50:41] So I wanted to snap my phone and throw it off the train.

[50:46] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[50:46] You're breaking your own things.

[50:48] I know.

[50:49] It's like when the FBI agents are going into the houses in Goodfellas and the housewives are spitting on the floor.

[50:54] Spitting on their own carpets.

[50:55] I don't understand why.

[50:57] I'd make them coffee, you know?

Dan McCoy

[50:59] Elliot, let's do a reverse shit sandwich.

[51:01] Because I think that you are the easiest on this.

[51:05] So you can go in the middle.

Elliott Kalan

[51:05] There's a time in my life, I think, when I would have been like, fuck this movie.

[51:09] I'm Dan McCoy.

[51:11] Forget about it.

[51:13] Wait, what were you me?

[51:14] I kept, I kept, I was you a while ago.

[51:17] Before we peed in that fountain together.

[51:18] Okay.

[51:20] But there was a, I kept, while I was watching it, I was like, this movie is failing at what it's trying to do.

[51:25] I find it very saccharine.

[51:27] I find it to be not, it's messy and it does, it's not, it's just, it's unpleasant in that way.

[51:35] Like Dan said, it's trying to make you feel a feeling and you're not feeling it.

[51:38] So it keeps doing the same thing.

[51:39] Like a guy with a crush on a girl and she says no and he's like, I just have to figure out the right way to ask her.

[51:45] And he won't stop.

[51:46] That's kind of what it feels like when you're watching it.

[51:48] But, like that lonely guy, I feel like John Krasinski's heart is in the right place.

[51:54] He just does not know how to do what he's trying to do.

[51:57] And so it's like, it is, I could not help feeling, I could not, I mean, it's not as creepy as the guy who keeps asking out the girl.

[52:04] But it's a bad analogy.

[52:06] But I couldn't, while I was watching it, I was like, I was like, what he's trying to do is not a bad thing.

[52:11] But he's not, he's, what, it's creating the opposite feeling in me.

[52:15] So maybe I was a little softer on it just because, like, I get it.

[52:18] Sometimes when you're a parent, you want to make something for your kids and you make something that is not good and they don't like it.

[52:24] And, but you're still trying.

[52:25] And so the whole time I was like, I was really having one of those like, bless his heart, you know, he means well.

[52:31] It did not feel mercenary or, or kind of like cynical in the way a lot of children's entertainment is.

[52:38] And so maybe that's why I was feeling a little softer on it.

Stuart Wellington

[52:41] I think that's fair.

[52:42] I still didn't like it.

[52:43] I would say if you're going to watch, like, if you want to watch a movie about kids kind of dealing with magical and whimsy, potentially, you know, imaginary characters to help them get over a parent being in the hospital, just watch fucking Totoro, dude.

[52:58] Yeah.

[52:59] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[53:00] Yes.

[53:00] I mean, the fact, the fact that what he's trying to do has been done before hurts this movie.

[53:06] But if, I mean, I don't, even John Krasinski is probably not like, yeah, I'm the next Miyazaki.

[53:10] You know, that's.

[53:13] Maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[53:14] Okay.

[53:15] So yeah, it's a bad, bad movie.

[53:16] Do not watch.

[53:17] Okay.

S4

[53:22] Have you been looking for a new podcast all about nerdy pop culture?

[53:26] Well, I have just the thing for you.

[53:28] Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries.

S7

[53:31] Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries is a weekly pop culture history podcast hosted by me, host Austin.

S4

[53:37] And me, host Brenda.

[53:38] We've already tackled mysteries such as what happened to the puppets from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, a Snoopy Mexican, and why do people hate Barney so much?

Stuart Wellington

[53:47] From theme parks to cartoons to 80s, 90s, and 2000s nostalgia, we tackle it all.

S4

[53:52] Check us out every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get podcasts.

S5

[54:01] Hey, this is Mike Cavallon.

[54:02] It's Yuadiwe.

[54:03] And Sierra Cato.

Elliott Kalan

[54:04] The hosts of TV Chef Fantasy League.

S5

[54:07] Where we apply fantasy sports rules to cooking competition shows.

Elliott Kalan

[54:10] We're not professional chefs or fantasy sports bros.

S5

[54:13] Just three comedians who love cooking shows and winning.

Elliott Kalan

[54:16] We'll cover Top Chef, Master Chef, Great British Bake Off, whatever's in season, really.

S5

[54:20] Ooh, you know chefs love cooking whatever's in season.

Dan McCoy

[54:23] We draft a team of chefs at the top of every series.

S5

[54:25] And every week, we recap the episode and assign points based on how our chefs did.

Dan McCoy

[54:29] And at the end of the season, we crown a winner.

S5

[54:31] You can even play along at home if you want.

Dan McCoy

[54:33] Or you can just listen to us like a regular podcast about cooking shows.

[54:36] That's cool, too.

[54:37] Subscribe to TV Chef Fantasy League on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

[54:42] Hey, it's Dan breaking in on this live show to say that if you would like to see us live but don't live in one of the places we have been able to get to so far, we will try and get to more places,

[54:55] then maybe it would interest you to know that we are coming back with Flop TV, which is our six monthly one-hour-ish video live streams.

[55:05] From September 2024 to February 2025, on the first Saturday of each month, we are going to be broadcasting live with a series of video stream shows about bad or at least, you know, very silly sequels.

[55:22] If you go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com, you can get individual show tickets for $7 or $35 for the whole season plus some small ticketing fees.

[55:34] And that's a price break on the season pass, the equivalent of one episode for free.

[55:40] All of the shows will stay available to watch on demand until the end of February 2025.

[55:46] So if you want to catch up later in the run, you can get a season pass halfway through and get access to everything you missed.

[55:54] Halfway through is just an example.

[55:55] You can do it right up to the end.

[55:57] We've kept the format that you guys enjoyed last time, but we've added a few new fun bits we're excited for you to see.

[56:04] And like I said, this season is all sequels.

[56:08] Number twos.

[56:09] We're talking Robocop 2, Break-In 2 Electric Boogaloo, Caddyshack 2, Highlander 2 The Quickening, Ski School 2, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, The Secret of the Ooze.

[56:23] Again, there's more details and tickets available at theflophouse.simpleticks.com.

[56:31] And if you want to know about stuff like this, but also side projects like Elliot's comics work, Stuart's Twitch streams, my newsletter, producer Alex's new album.

[56:44] And also on top of that, get some silly Flophouse-related writing in your inbox a couple of times a month.

[56:50] Why not go over to flophousepodcast.com and put your name in the email box on the front page and you will get that newsletter.

[56:58] It is called Flop Secrets.

[57:00] That is a pop secret pun.

[57:03] I'm explaining it to you.

[57:05] But you know what?

[57:06] We don't just promote ourselves.

[57:08] The Flophouse is mostly supported by listeners like you, but we're also sponsored in part this week by Squarespace,

[57:17] the all-in-one website platform to stand out and succeed online.

[57:22] Whether you're just starting out or managing your brand with Squarespace, it is easy to create a beautiful website,

[57:29] engage with your audience, and sell anything all on your terms.

[57:34] Your terms.

[57:34] Don't take other people's terms.

[57:36] Your terms.

[57:38] What are some features that Squarespace offers?

[57:41] Well, the new guided design system, Squarespace, Squarespace.

[57:45] Why do I?

[57:46] I always do that.

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[57:54] that you can use to build your online presence from the ground up,

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[58:09] You can accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in eligible countries,

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[58:25] Squarespace has the tools that you need to set up an online store.

[58:29] So if this sounds interesting to you, right for you, go to squarespace.com for a free trial.

[58:36] And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[58:47] And now let's go back to Boston.

[58:50] And if the movie that hurt us all.

[58:55] So this is the last part of the show.

[58:57] We're going to stand up from our chairs.

[58:59] And as a man who is aging, it'll take me a few moments.

Elliott Kalan

[59:02] Okay.

[59:02] And I did it.

[59:03] And we're going to answer a few.

[59:06] Can you live tweet that next time you getting out of a chair?

Dan McCoy

[59:10] I'll do it step by step.

[59:11] I'm like, now I'm engaging my quads.

[59:15] Engaging quads.

[59:16] Just stand up like nothing.

[59:17] Now Stewart's just showing off doing a squat on the stage.

[59:21] I can do that.

[59:22] Come on.

[59:22] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[59:22] All right.

[59:23] Dan's doing it.

[59:24] All right.

[59:26] You did it.

[59:27] Yeah.

[59:28] Yeah.

[59:28] Amazing.

[59:29] I'm not impressed you did it.

Dan McCoy

[59:30] Look at that hip mobility.

[59:31] I'm impressed you got up from it.

[59:33] Yeah.

[59:33] Thank you.

[59:34] We're going to take a few questions if people have them.

[59:38] If people have them.

[59:39] Dan, you're brilliant.

[59:40] Thank you.

[59:42] And then we're going to end the show.

[59:44] There's someone raising.

[59:45] Well, yeah.

S6

[59:47] Hi.

[59:48] My name is Glenn.

[59:50] Last name withheld.

[59:51] I'm a big fan.

[59:53] Last time you were in Boston, I sent this question by email and it didn't get answered.

[59:57] Oh, double dipping.

Elliott Kalan

[59:59] All right.

[59:59] Okay.

[1:00:00] It made me a little sad.

S6

[1:00:02] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1:00:03] Starting with Stewart.

[1:00:04] Stewart, can you explain in detail the Primarchs who are the soulmates of your fellow cast members?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:13] Sure.

[1:00:13] Yeah.

[1:00:14] Okay.

[1:00:14] Let's see.

[1:00:15] We're talking about the Primarchs.

[1:00:17] I wonder why we didn't answer this question.

[1:00:17] The primogenitors of the different space marine legions from Warhammer 40,000.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:22] I thought Primarch was sort of a store where you can buy.

[1:00:27] Oh, damn.

[1:00:29] A store.

[1:00:30] Cheaper.

[1:00:31] The only store we talk about is the Warhammer store.

[1:00:34] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:35] So, let's see.

[1:00:36] Dan would be, you know, he's a little prickly and tough, and he kind of plays by the rules

[1:00:41] a little bit.

[1:00:41] I would say he's a Rogel Dorn.

[1:00:45] Elliot Kalen, of course, is very wordy and devious.

[1:00:49] I would say he's Lorgar.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:52] I have no frame of reference about it.

[1:00:54] And, Stu, what about you?

[1:00:54] Who are you?

[1:00:55] I'll trust that that's true.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:56] Me?

[1:00:57] Fulgrim, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:59] I'm the beautiful prince who turns to evil.

[1:01:01] It made more sense when backstage we were mapping ourselves onto Winnie the Pooh characters.

[1:01:06] Yeah, that's fair.

[1:01:07] Dan's Winnie the Pooh.

[1:01:08] I'm Piglet.

[1:01:09] Stewart's Tigger.

[1:01:10] Dan is also Rabbit.

[1:01:11] What are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:12] And Christopher Robin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:13] I'm a classic Eeyore.

[1:01:15] You're Eeyore, too.

[1:01:16] Wow, there's a lot.

[1:01:17] I mean, A.A. Milne's stories are basically the movie identity, but for you, right?

[1:01:23] Where do we have other...

[1:01:25] Where's the microphone?

[1:01:26] We've got microphones.

[1:01:27] That's where the microphone is.

[1:01:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:29] This is Adam, last name withheld.

[1:01:31] Hello.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:31] So, given that this is a kid's version of The Sixth Sense, like a kid's ripoff, like

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:35] a whimsical Sixth Sense.

[1:01:37] Instead of seeing ghosts, they see imaginary friends.

[1:01:38] Yeah, so what would you think of other M. Night Shyamalan movies being turned into for kids?

[1:01:44] I mean, to be honest, there's a...

[1:01:47] I mean, old is basically big.

[1:01:50] Like, that's...

[1:01:50] Like, you go to a beach, you become a grown-up, you see what it's like to be a grown-up, and

[1:01:55] then you find a magic shell or whatever that turns you to a kid.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:57] Is there a part in old where a little kid touches a woman's boobs?

[1:02:01] Kind of.

[1:02:02] We were just...

[1:02:03] Yeah, you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:04] The two kids grow up and have a baby.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:06] Yeah.

[1:02:07] We were just sort of writing a Winnie the Pooh split for me.

[1:02:10] Okay, yeah.

[1:02:11] Oh, yeah, that's true.

[1:02:12] So, like, where I inhabit all of the...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:13] I would love...

[1:02:14] Somebody is MPD, but they're all Winnie the Pooh characters?

[1:02:17] Yeah.

[1:02:17] Winnie's the Pooh.

[1:02:19] Winnie's the Pooh.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:21] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:02:22] Yeah.

[1:02:23] I mean, I think we've already gone into it.

[1:02:25] We've done it.

[1:02:26] There's no way to do any better.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:27] And Devil, kids love pushing buttons in elevators.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:31] That was just produced by him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:32] Oh, sorry.

[1:02:33] Yeah, sorry.

[1:02:35] Okay, throw me out, ref.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:37] The M. Night universe over there, I think we have.

S7

[1:02:41] Hi, yes.

[1:02:42] It's kind of a selfish question.

[1:02:43] It's for all of you, but it starts with Stuart.

[1:02:46] Okay.

[1:02:47] I was on a work trip to Brooklyn.

[1:02:49] I came and visited Hinterlands.

[1:02:52] Uh-huh.

[1:02:52] And you were behind the bar.

[1:02:54] Whoa.

[1:02:55] Yeah.

[1:02:55] Great bartender.

[1:02:57] And we had a good discussion.

[1:02:59] And I told you I was about to go see a screening of Ready or Not.

[1:03:03] And you said, whoa, I can't wait to see that.

[1:03:05] Come back and tell me how it is.

[1:03:07] And I did.

[1:03:08] I told you I loved it.

[1:03:09] And you're like, I can't wait to see it.

[1:03:10] Now, this was 2019, just before the pandemic.

[1:03:13] Yep.

[1:03:13] So for all of you, but Stuart first, did you get to see it?

[1:03:17] And did you like it or not?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:19] I would say I saw it and I liked it, but it was a little disappointed.

[1:03:23] That's not a very exciting answer.

[1:03:26] I feel like, I don't know.

[1:03:27] I feel like those guys' movies are a little, I don't know, like easy.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:32] I liked that one a fair amount.

[1:03:34] I mean, Samara Weaving's great.

[1:03:36] Yeah, she's great.

[1:03:37] I liked it better than Abigail.

[1:03:39] I mean, Abigail was sort of hamstrung by all of it being explained in the trailer.

[1:03:43] But I think that if you're looking for a comedy horror movie for those guys, that's the one

[1:03:48] to watch Ready or Not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:49] I liked it.

[1:03:50] I love anything where I can see some Andy McD.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:54] Is that the cool kid way of saying Andy McD?

[1:03:56] That's how kids say Andy McD.

[1:03:57] Andy McD.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:58] So my younger son is obsessed with Charles Darwin right now.

[1:04:01] And I'm like, you want to read another book about Chucky D?

[1:04:03] And he does not like it.

[1:04:05] He doesn't like it at all.

[1:04:06] Show him respect, father.

[1:04:08] I'm like, tonight you want to read another book about Char-Dar?

[1:04:10] And he's like, no, not at Dupley's.

[1:04:13] His name is Charles Darwin.

[1:04:14] Charles Darwin.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:16] Where's the mic?

[1:04:18] Over there, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:21] Hi, I'm Eric.

[1:04:22] Last name withheld.

[1:04:23] If we're just going into stuff the host lore, the host know about.

[1:04:27] Elliot, you teased in a recent episode, you know about the Spider-Man villain Carrion.

[1:04:33] I was wondering if you wanted to explain it to the audience here.

[1:04:37] Yeah, you didn't tell us about Carrion on that episode.

[1:04:39] You're right.

[1:04:39] I didn't tell you about Carrion.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:40] I teased that I would explain the backstory of Carrion.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:43] I'm assuming he's some kind of villain who makes himself small enough that he can be taken

[1:04:47] onto the plane.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:47] That's an interesting misunderstanding.

[1:04:50] It's actually the homonym Carrion is in like a corpse.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:53] That's what a homonym is?

[1:04:55] Yeah.

[1:04:55] Oh, Jesus.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:57] A homonym does not live in a hole in the ground, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:59] Like in the EC comic Carrion Death, of course.

[1:05:02] The famous.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:03] Sure, yeah.

[1:05:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:04] I'm just making another reference that no one else is going to enjoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:07] Yeah, anyway, he's a withered clone of another guy.

[1:05:11] And there's a virus that can turn you into that clone.

[1:05:14] And he was supposed to be Norman Osborn's dead body come to life.

[1:05:17] And then the editors were like, we're not doing that.

[1:05:19] And so he's just, he's related to Miles Warren, who was the jackal.

[1:05:23] And he was the one who caused the whole clone saga.

[1:05:25] This is all stuff you guys know about.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:27] I love how you've been asked to explain it.

[1:05:31] Because you poo-pooed it at the time.

[1:05:33] And you're like, ah, well, you know.

[1:05:34] You guys know about this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:35] Come on.

[1:05:36] So anyway, for more about Carrion, I guess check my website.

[1:05:39] Check.

[1:05:40] Carrion on about Carrion.

[1:05:41] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:41] ElliotKalen.Geocities.ca or something.

[1:05:45] Is it Geocities?

[1:05:47] It's not Geocities.

[1:05:48] How do you have?

[1:05:50] Oh, the Geocity.

[1:05:51] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:53] I would say Geocities.

[1:05:54] You pronounce it Geocities?

[1:05:55] Geocities, yeah.

[1:05:58] Oh, my God.

[1:05:59] We broke his brain.

[1:06:00] I got to check.

[1:06:01] I got to call some people.

[1:06:02] I got to check my Geocity website.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:05] Just got to make some calls.

[1:06:06] We need another question.

[1:06:07] That was too shocking.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:08] Let's do three more questions so we can cut it off clean.

[1:06:12] Is there one over there?

[1:06:14] Yeah.

[1:06:15] Hello.

[1:06:17] Name is Bryant.

[1:06:18] Last name withheld.

[1:06:19] And we seem to be on the topic of too stupid deep lore stuff.

[1:06:21] So here we go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:23] We can also answer questions that are not about deep lore.

[1:06:25] No, no, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:26] This is a deep lore show.

[1:06:28] On the podcast, Elliot and sometimes Stu will regularly drop the names of obscure Star Wars

[1:06:32] characters who have few or no lines and are only named in toys or ancillary media.

[1:06:37] Sometimes.

[1:06:39] These characters are sometimes affectionately referred to as glup shittos.

[1:06:43] Yes.

[1:06:44] My question is, which glup shitto would you pick to be the vice presidential running mate

[1:06:49] for Kamala Harris?

[1:06:51] Ooh.

[1:06:51] Finally.

[1:06:52] Interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:53] Okay, this is a good question.

[1:06:54] Getting into the issues.

[1:06:54] This is a good question.

[1:06:55] You got to balance out her strengths with new strengths.

[1:06:59] You got to bring, you do not want, you don't, you don't want Dr. Evazone or Ponda Beba

[1:07:03] because those guys are troublemakers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:06] I mean, he's a bit of a troublemaker, but I think the kids are so into vaping, maybe Elon

[1:07:10] Sleazebagano, the death sticks dealer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:12] Yeah, it's true.

[1:07:13] I mean, he has a checkered past, but that's obviously not a barrier for some.

[1:07:17] And thanks to Obi-Wan, he no longer does that.

[1:07:20] Yeah.

[1:07:21] I mean, a man, a man has a certain quiet dignity.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:27] I mean, I just, I mean, I like a good Gamorrean guard.

[1:07:30] Like, I don't care which one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:32] Yeah, blue collar, understands the regular folk.

[1:07:34] I understand.

[1:07:34] Yeah, yeah, of course.

[1:07:35] Likes axes.

[1:07:37] Likes axes.

[1:07:38] Yeah, sure.

[1:07:39] Bring in the axe vote.

[1:07:40] Yeah, I think that's, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:42] Maybe like a Rancor handler.

[1:07:44] I mean, he's a man who's comfortable showing his feelings.

[1:07:46] So, yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:47] He understands loss.

[1:07:48] Yeah, and he might have a Rancor if he can find another one.

[1:07:51] He is the guy that we all thought that Senator from, where was it?

[1:07:56] The guy who wears a sweatshirt all the time.

[1:07:58] Mm-hmm.

[1:07:58] The Rancor keeper is the guy we thought he was.

[1:08:01] Yeah, yeah.

[1:08:01] Yeah, just kind of sensitive, but again, blue collar.

[1:08:04] He's good with animals.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:06] Okay.

[1:08:07] One more from over here, and then one more from over here, and then we'll.

[1:08:11] Say goodnight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:12] I mean, he doesn't have a lot of political leadership experience.

[1:08:13] You can keep talking about that while we move over the.

[1:08:16] You want a Star Wars character with executive ability?

[1:08:19] Uh-huh.

[1:08:19] Sure, yeah.

[1:08:20] Maybe.

[1:08:20] So, well, I was going to say the guy who runs the Mos Eisley Cantina, but he's got a,

[1:08:24] he's anti-droid.

[1:08:25] That's not going to fly.

[1:08:26] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:27] Hey, guys.

[1:08:28] I'm George.

[1:08:28] The other day, my mom watched the kids, and she sent me a text that night saying,

[1:08:33] oh, we watched If, and I loved it, exclamation mark.

[1:08:38] Previously, we had disagreements about Cats, where she genuinely thinks it's a really good

[1:08:42] movie and says that I just don't.

[1:08:44] Oh, yeah.

[1:08:44] She might be right about that.

[1:08:45] She says that I just don't understand it, and that's why I don't think that it's good.

[1:08:50] But I like that response.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:54] Come back to Cats when you've experienced some things.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:59] But what is a movie, if you wanted to get a sense of someone's taste as like a bellwether,

[1:09:05] if you'd ask them their opinion of a movie to get kind of a feel for their taste?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:08] I'm going to, before we answer this, I'm going to say I don't approve of this way of judging

[1:09:12] people.

[1:09:13] Well, no, no.

[1:09:13] By asking them about one movie and being like, how do you feel about this one?

[1:09:16] No, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:18] I want to say.

[1:09:18] Have you read Watchmen?

[1:09:19] To be fair.

[1:09:21] To be fair, he just said to get a sense of their taste.

[1:09:24] Okay, fair.

[1:09:25] Fair.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:25] He did not say necessarily that there was a judgment attached to it.

[1:09:29] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:31] Judgment free.

[1:09:32] How do you feel about this movie?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:33] Yeah.

[1:09:33] Yeah, I mean, it's an easy one.

[1:09:34] If somebody doesn't like My Cousin Vinny, they're a monster.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:43] I mean, this is, I mean, like, it's a weird one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:46] It's a weird one because I'm like, well, you can get a pretty good idea of someone's feelings

[1:09:50] about movies if you make them watch, like, Possession or, like, Mother and see how they

[1:09:54] respond to that.

[1:09:55] Oh, yeah.

[1:09:55] Do you like Houseu?

[1:09:58] I guess if someone's like, my favorite movie, Boondock Saints.

[1:10:03] Sorry, Boston.

[1:10:04] Then I'll be like, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:07] Yeah, no, that's a really good one because I feel like in college there are a lot of people

[1:10:11] who are, like, really into Boondock Saints.

[1:10:13] I'm like, I'm sure you're lovely, but I don't think we're going to get along.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:17] Another writer recently told me that they had to update their references because the thing

[1:10:21] they used to say just to describe certain types of guys was, well, you know Fight Club

[1:10:25] is his favorite movie.

[1:10:26] And then she started talking to people who are young enough that they're like, what?

[1:10:30] Like, I don't know.

[1:10:30] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:31] Wait, what's the new Fight Club is their favorite movie?

[1:10:34] I don't know.

[1:10:35] I don't know what the new Fight Club is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:35] Joker.

[1:10:36] It's probably Joker.

[1:10:37] Oh, yeah, Joker.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:38] Yeah.

[1:10:38] It's Joker.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:39] Yeah.

[1:10:40] It's just Joker.

[1:10:41] The new Joker's got it.

[1:10:42] It's Joker.

[1:10:42] It's not kicking it.

[1:10:42] What?

[1:10:43] The guy's twisted.

[1:10:44] Forget about it.

S5

[1:10:45] They've got Lady Gaga in there.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:47] We got one more over there.

S5

[1:10:49] Hi.

[1:10:50] Hollis, last name withheld.

[1:10:51] I would like to play Radio Zork.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:53] Oh.

[1:10:54] Okay.

[1:10:54] Oh, let's dust it off.

[1:10:56] Let me blow the dust off this old console.

[1:10:58] This old Tandy.

[1:11:01] Okay.

[1:11:02] Boot it up.

[1:11:02] Let's play some Radio Zork.

S5

[1:11:03] Is there any way that I can acquire an alligator?

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:07] I think you're going to have to phrase that in the form of an ordered band.

[1:11:11] A command line.

S5

[1:11:13] I would like to acquire an alligator.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:15] You look around the doorstep, searching for an alligator.

[1:11:21] None are to be found.

[1:11:22] Thank you.

[1:11:23] Thank you for playing Radio Zork.

[1:11:24] Thank you so much.

[1:11:25] Tune in next time for the next move on Radio Zork.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:28] Thank you so much for coming here to WBUR City Space.

[1:11:33] We're going to be signing some merch, selling some merch, just chatting out there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:39] But now we have to go back there for a moment before that.

[1:11:42] We'll be in the back for a couple minutes, yeah, and then we'll come out and we can say you things and then sign them and then you take them home.

[1:11:48] Or we'll just say hi.

[1:11:49] Just like at the house, you can do that too.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:50] But thank you so much for being here.

[1:11:52] For the Flaw House, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:11:54] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:11:55] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:11:56] Thank you, Boston.

[1:11:57] Good night.

[1:11:58] Appreciate it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:03] Oh, this guy.

[1:12:07] Oh.

[1:12:10] We forgot to mention to you, Stuart is now more virtual than meat.

[1:12:14] He no longer exists in physical space most of the time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:18] Elliot, if you've been following me on TikTok, you'll see that I am plenty full of meat.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:25] Please, please let it be just a eating series that you're doing.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:28] Technically, we're all full of meat.

[1:12:31] We're made of meat.

[1:12:32] Hello, Boston.

[1:12:34] Hey.

[1:12:35] Hey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:38] Talk about your cities of meat, right?

[1:12:42] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:43] Like what?

[1:12:44] Name them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:45] What is the Boston meats?

[1:12:47] Well, a Yankee...

Dan McCoy

[1:12:48] You go to your Boston market and you get...

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:50] Yeah, get Boston chicken.

[1:12:51] Yeah.

[1:12:52] Uh-huh.

[1:12:52] A Yankee bean is just a testicle, right?

[1:12:54] That's...

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:55] Right.

[1:12:56] Wait, is lobster meat?

[1:12:57] Is that a...

[1:12:59] Is that...

[1:13:00] Okay, I'm right.

[1:13:02] You did it.

[1:13:02] You guys are always trying to gaslight me.

[1:13:05] They know I'm right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:06] We've been trying to convince him for years that lobster is not meat.

[1:13:09] And someone in this audience messed it up.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:10] You all undid it in one fell swoop.

[1:13:15] Maximum fun.

[1:13:16] A worker-owned network.

[1:13:17] Of artist-owned shows.

[1:13:19] Supported.

[1:13:20] Directly.

[1:13:21] By you.

Ep.#432 - IF, Live!

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