FH Mini 117 – The Definitive Action Hero Ranking Pt. 2

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] Hi, Floppers. Before we start this episode, I just wanted to remind you we are in the middle of FlopTV Season 2.

[0:06] That's right, the one-hour internet televised Flophouse TV show is here for you the first Saturday of every month through February.

[0:14] Just go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com and get your tickets or season pass for this all-new Flophouse TV stuff.

[0:22] We're covering movies we've never covered before. We've got video segments. It's amazing.

[0:27] Just go to theflophouse.simpleticks.com for FlopTV Season 2. This time, it's personal.

Stuart Wellington

[0:37] Hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington of the Flophouse Podcast, and we're here for another Flophouse Mini.

[0:43] That's right, normally we make episodes of a podcast where we watch a bad movie and talk about it, but on the minis, we do whatever we want.

[0:50] We normally goof around and do silly bones stuff, but this time we're doing serious bones stuff.

[0:54] We are doing a no-nonsense breakdown of the best action heroes in cinema history as voted by the Flophouse.

[1:03] We are voting them and rating them on three different categories.

[1:06] That's right, radness, badness, and lucky dip.

[1:09] We have already got 10 out of the way.

[1:10] If you are like, I'm lost, go back to the episode two weeks ago, listen to that shit, and get caught up.

[1:16] We don't have time for that because we got 10 more action heroes to talk about.

[1:21] So, Dan, I think it's time.

[1:23] Yeah.

[1:23] I haven't even introduced my co-host.

[1:24] I know.

[1:25] That is, who's sitting to my left?

[1:27] I could be a mystery Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:28] I could be, I don't know.

[1:29] I could be Dan Stevens, yeah.

[1:30] Yeah.

[1:31] Oh, my God.

[1:31] Oh, man.

[1:32] To be Dan Stevens, if only.

[1:35] To be sitting next to Dan Stevens.

[1:36] No, I'm Dan McCoy, and with us, as always, is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39] Elliot Kalin, that's right.

[1:41] And your main host tonight, Stuart Wellington.

[1:44] Let's grip it and rip it.

[1:46] I didn't know there was a hierarchy, but okay, it's eight.

[1:49] Okay, we are, we're all the way, man, we've looped all the way around.

[1:55] We are back into the Johns, guys.

[1:57] Johntown.

[1:58] That's right, we're talking about the star of First Blood, First Blood Part 2, John Rambo.

[2:04] John Rambo.

[2:05] He's got the hair, he's got the muscles, he's got the bandana, he's killed a lot of people.

[2:11] He's a weapon.

[2:13] You know, he was trained to be a living weapon, yeah.

[2:15] So let's talk about it.

[2:17] Do you guys have opinions on Mr. John Rambo?

[2:20] Do you like those movies?

Dan McCoy

[2:21] I like the first one, and I like, I don't know, the one that I saw with Elliot, I kind of liked, too.

[2:27] What one was that?

[2:28] The fourth one?

[2:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] Yeah, the one where he goes, he's in, where is he, is it Malaysia, or is it Burma?

[2:34] No, he's in Burma.

[2:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:35] With all the, where it's like he's older.

Dan McCoy

[2:38] Yeah, I hated the most recent one.

[2:39] I don't think I've even seen two or three, I'll be honest.

[2:42] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[2:42] I remember liking both of those, but I was a kid and dumb.

[2:46] Yeah.

[2:47] Those movies, those movies are dumb.

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] The last one I did not like, but overall, those are my, the first one is a good movie.

[2:52] But overall, the other ones are like guilty pleasures of mine, because they're just, they're ridiculous.

[2:57] You know, but the last one I did not like.

Stuart Wellington

[2:59] Guys, the way I live my life, none of my pleasures are guilty.

[3:02] Then you're not doing it right, Stu.

Dan McCoy

[3:05] Here's the thing, though.

[3:06] I do enjoy some of the Rambo, but I would not call him, I don't know.

[3:12] There's not a lot of radness for me.

[3:14] For me, there's not a lot of radness.

[3:16] Like he's, like in the first one, he's a sad man.

[3:19] In all of them.

[3:19] He's a very, there's a lot of sadness in the Rambo movies.

[3:23] And yeah, a lot of PTSD.

[3:26] I don't know, he has a bandana or like a headband or whatever.

[3:28] What about that, your worst nightmare line?

[3:30] That was from a.

[3:32] He's got good lines.

[3:33] Yeah, I don't know.

[3:34] I'm going to give him a three, though.

[3:36] He's not, this is not a rad action hero so much as it is.

Stuart Wellington

[3:39] When I think of Rambo, I sometimes mix him up with Charlie Sheen's character from Hot Shots Part 2.

[3:44] Yeah, very similar.

[3:45] Same, same, same bow and arrow and, and, and headband.

Elliott Kalan

[3:48] I'm going to give him a five.

[3:50] Because I agree, he's not a cool character you would want to be.

[3:55] He's, he's very sad.

[3:56] He's haunted by the things that he's done and that have been done to him.

[3:59] But at the same time, to be that character and get some good wisecracks out and kind of intimidate people.

[4:05] And also to know how to paint yourself up so you look like the trunk of a tree.

[4:09] Just in case the guy you're fighting happens to walk by that one particular tree.

[4:13] That's, that's pretty bad.

[4:14] So I'm going to, sorry, that's pretty rad.

[4:16] So I'm going to give that a, I'm going to give him a five for radness.

Stuart Wellington

[4:18] Yeah.

[4:18] Dan, what was your score again?

[4:20] I think I gave him a three.

[4:21] Okay.

[4:21] Let's go into badness.

[4:23] How bad is his middle?

Dan McCoy

[4:24] Now for badness.

[4:24] Now, on the other hand, this is where he cleans up because I haven't seen those middle movies.

[4:30] But it's my understanding that he single-handedly gets us a redo and wins the Vietnam War.

Elliott Kalan

[4:35] He wins the Vietnam War.

[4:36] He pushes the Russians out of Afghanistan.

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:39] Yeah.

[4:39] He's a one-man Army Corps.

[4:40] Yeah.

[4:40] He's an OMAC.

Dan McCoy

[4:41] Yeah.

[4:41] He gets a 10 for badness for me.

[4:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:43] 10 for sure.

[4:44] And he's been stabbed and shot so many times, you know, and it just does not faze him.

[4:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] It was watching Rambo 3 that I learned that if, I think it was 3, where if you get shot, you can just fill the hole with gunpowder and light it on fire to cauterize the wound.

[4:57] If you're Rambo, you can.

[4:58] As a kid, I assumed when I would grow up, I would use that information all the time.

[5:06] Dan, give me a roll on Lucky Dip, baby.

[5:08] Yeah.

[5:08] You got a 14 there.

[5:10] A 14 for old John Rambo.

[5:14] Ooh.

[5:15] Okay.

[5:15] This is interesting.

[5:17] John Rambo falls through a portal into mythological Greece.

[5:21] Uh-huh.

[5:21] How likely on a scale of 1 to 10 is he going to complete the 12 labors of Heracles?

Elliott Kalan

[5:27] Oh, I mean, that's, I feel like that's a 10.

[5:29] Come on.

[5:30] Yeah.

[5:31] He's going to kill that Nemean lion.

[5:32] He's going to kill the Hydra.

[5:34] He's going to steal that girdle.

Stuart Wellington

[5:35] How's he going to handle the staples?

Elliott Kalan

[5:37] The staples is the hard one.

[5:39] That's the hardest one.

[5:40] He's got to redirect that river.

[5:41] I bet he could figure out a way to do it just with the weapons at hand.

[5:45] Yeah.

[5:45] I mean, to my knowledge.

[5:46] Maybe a 9 then.

[5:47] That a giant staples is the hard one.

Dan McCoy

[5:49] To my knowledge, John Rambo is not a half-god man.

[5:55] True.

[5:55] He loses a point for me for that, but otherwise, I'm going to give him a 9.

[5:59] He seems as close to a Greek hero as you can get.

[6:03] Yeah.

[6:03] For sure.

[6:04] That is a good category for him.

Stuart Wellington

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:06] Lucky for him.

[6:08] Okay.

[6:09] Okay.

[6:10] Dan, give me another.

[6:11] Who's our next hero?

Dan McCoy

[6:12] I got a 6 here.

Stuart Wellington

[6:15] 6 here would be...

[6:17] Wait, that's a 9.

Dan McCoy

[6:18] It doesn't matter.

Stuart Wellington

[6:19] Okay.

[6:20] It doesn't matter.

[6:21] So, we have the star of Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2, the hero of Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2,

[6:26] the bride, a.k.a.

[6:28] Beatrix Kiddo, played by Uma Thurman.

[6:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:32] I mean, she wears a yellow tracksuit around.

[6:35] Yeah.

[6:36] And has a Thomas sword.

[6:37] So, I think that that's got to be like a 10 for radness.

Elliott Kalan

[6:42] It's got to be a 10 for radness, for sure.

[6:44] She looks super rad.

[6:45] Yeah.

[6:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:47] Okay.

[6:48] What about badness?

[6:50] I mean, almost as high.

[6:52] She, like, kills all of the, like, the 99 whatevers or whatever.

[6:56] What are they called?

[6:57] The 99 whatevers.

[6:59] They're called the 99 whatevers.

Elliott Kalan

[7:01] Now you have to face the 99 whatevers.

[7:03] What are they?

[7:04] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[7:05] She punches her way out of a grave.

[7:07] Like, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] She teaches herself how to move her entire body when all she can move is her toe, you know?

[7:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:13] I think just out of, like, a weird instinct to not clean up too hard, I'm going to give her a 9.

[7:18] But maybe it should be a 10.

[7:19] I don't know.

[7:20] 9.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] I'm not threatened by powerful women the way Dan is, so I'm going to give her a 10.

[7:24] Okay.

[7:25] Okay.

[7:26] And let's give me a lucky dip.

[7:27] How does.

[7:28] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[7:28] How does.

Elliott Kalan

[7:29] What if the category is digging yourself out of a grave?

[7:31] Oh, she grossed it.

Stuart Wellington

[7:33] 15.

[7:35] Okay.

[7:36] So, if the bride was able to put all this revenge and whatnot behind her, how likely,

[7:43] on a scale of 1 to 10, would she be successful as a social media star?

[7:48] Oh, I think pretty high.

Dan McCoy

[7:49] I mean, she's, like.

[7:51] We mentioned the tracksuit.

[7:52] A beautiful white lady.

[7:53] And she's got a tracksuit.

Elliott Kalan

[7:55] She's got a kid at the end, right?

[7:57] So, like.

[7:57] Uh-huh.

[7:58] Yeah.

[7:58] There's a lot of mommy influencers out there.

[8:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:01] Yeah.

[8:02] I think that.

[8:02] I think, yeah.

[8:03] She's.

Elliott Kalan

[8:04] I think she's doing pretty well.

[8:04] And an interest in Asian culture, which is also.

[8:08] Which can also be big online.

[8:09] So, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:10] Although she might get canceled for, again, being a white lady who's, like, appropriating

[8:14] that college card.

[8:14] Yeah.

[8:15] That's possible.

[8:16] Yeah.

[8:17] I'm going to give her an 8 for this.

[8:19] Yeah.

[8:19] I'm also going to give her an 8.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] Yeah.

[8:21] Not bad, though.

[8:22] These are good scores.

[8:23] These are high scores.

[8:23] She did really well.

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] Actually, the thing that takes her down is I worry that she would have trouble with the

[8:27] digital interface because she's such an analog, hands-on person.

[8:31] You know?

[8:31] That's true.

[8:31] She can really admire and understand a Hattori Hanzo sword.

[8:35] But I don't know if she's going to be able to figure out that app.

Stuart Wellington

[8:38] Yeah.

[8:38] That's true.

[8:39] Okay, Dan, give me a roll.

[8:40] Who's our next hero?

[8:41] We got a 15 here.

[8:43] A 15 is.

[8:46] Okay.

[8:47] Okay, we have the stars of the Bad Boys franchise.

[8:52] Detective Mike Lowery and Marcus Burnett.

[8:55] Yeah.

[8:55] Played by Will Smith and Martin Lawrence.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] These are huge movies, huge action movies.

[9:01] Elliot, have you seen any of them?

[9:02] I've seen the first two.

[9:03] I've not seen the new one.

[9:04] There's two newer ones, right?

[9:06] Two newer ones.

[9:06] Bad Boys Forever and Bad Boys Ride or Die.

[9:09] Wow, you nailed it.

Stuart Wellington

[9:10] Yeah.

[9:11] You have been paying attention to the billboards in LA.

Elliott Kalan

[9:15] Exactly, but I haven't seen either of those.

[9:17] To be honest, they kind of lost me with those two rats having sex in the second one.

[9:21] What?

Dan McCoy

[9:23] Pause the fucking podcast, Dan.

[9:24] The moment where the person sitting next to me couldn't contain themselves and started nudging me by how funny they thought it was.

[9:34] I've enjoyed the two most recent ones.

[9:37] The movies make a radical switch in tone from Michael Bay not caring about humanity to suddenly being like, hey, it's a love story between these two aging police officers.

[9:49] The trailers look much more serious than the previous movies.

[9:52] Yeah.

[9:53] You know, they're not great, but they're fun.

[9:57] Radness.

[9:57] How rad are these two dudes?

[9:59] Well, they've got a lot of the signifiers of radness.

[10:03] I do not think it is quite so rad that they're two cops who go around just like wildly shooting things and like running cars into shanty towns.

[10:15] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[10:16] Which, to be fair, Jackie Chan does in the first police story too, pretty much.

[10:19] Yeah.

[10:19] The bad guys doing that.

Stuart Wellington

[10:21] Yeah.

[10:21] They level for that lot.

Dan McCoy

[10:22] This is a fantasy world, so I'm not going to, you know, take them too much to task for that, but I will give them just a five.

[10:30] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[10:31] I'm going to give them, I think I'm going to give them a six.

[10:35] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[10:36] Yeah.

[10:36] I mean, they're fun.

[10:37] Like, part of the success of these movies is you like spending time with them.

[10:41] Yeah.

[10:43] Okay.

[10:44] But how bad are these bad boys?

[10:45] They are.

[10:46] I mean, it's right in the title.

[10:47] It is right in the title, right?

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] But I feel like they are not, I don't know.

[10:51] It's like they get the job done, but I don't think of them as like Terminators, you know?

Dan McCoy

[10:57] Yeah.

[10:57] Like, their strength is sort of like the power of friendship.

[11:02] Honestly.

[11:03] Yeah.

[11:04] No, thank you, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] It's its own sort of badness.

[11:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:06] Yeah.

[11:07] So in badness, I'm going to give them a seven, I think.

[11:09] I'm going to give them, I'm going to go sixes across the board.

[11:13] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[11:13] Give me a roll on Lucky Dip.

[11:15] Lucky Dip.

[11:15] This might be their category.

[11:16] 13.

[11:17] Lucky number 13.

[11:22] Man, this, I feel like this is a fucking part of like a subplot of one of these movies.

[11:26] How likely are they going to be able to successfully take a niece dress shopping for her first boy-girl dance?

[11:33] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] That does feel like it would integrate very well into an actual bad boys movie.

[11:38] I mean, like.

Dan McCoy

[11:39] I mean, they would not do a good job.

[11:41] Well, but here's the thing.

[11:43] There would be a lot of shenanigans.

[11:45] They'd end up with the right dress.

[11:47] There would be a lot of shenanigans.

[11:47] They'd end up coming through at the end.

[11:50] So I'm going to give them a nine for this.

Elliott Kalan

[11:51] I'm going to give them an H because there's going to be a lot of broken glass along the way.

Stuart Wellington

[11:56] Yeah.

[11:57] Yeah.

[11:57] That was a good one for these boys.

[12:01] Not so bad, boys.

[12:03] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[12:04] Dan, give me another roll.

[12:06] Another roll brings us the number nine.

[12:10] Okay.

[12:10] So that, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[12:12] You would know him as the director of juror number two, Dirty Harry himself.

[12:18] You obviously wouldn't know him as the director of juror number two.

Elliott Kalan

[12:20] It's received almost no release.

Stuart Wellington

[12:24] Yep.

[12:24] We're talking about Dirty Harry Callahan played by Clint Eastwood in the Dirty Harry film.

Elliott Kalan

[12:29] This is another one where I feel like we're going to have to separate in some ways, and I have been doing a bad job of this, the politics of the film and the character from the aesthetic and the actions of the character.

Dan McCoy

[12:39] Well, also, it's interesting.

[12:41] I mean, it's not like it's a, it's not a critique or anything, but at least the first Dirty Harry sort of like reckons with the idea of like, oh, maybe a cop shouldn't be doing these things.

[12:52] Maybe it's not great.

[12:52] I mean, he's called Dirty Harry.

[12:53] Yeah, exactly.

[12:53] Like, he's not called Great Harry.

[12:55] Yeah.

[12:55] He throws his badge away at the end.

[12:56] You're not, you're supposed to feel a little queasy about, but then they'll like, the sequels are like, ah, forget all that.

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] What a great guy.

[13:02] Yeah.

[13:02] But even then, in terms of ratitude, I think he's, I mean, I love Clint Eastwood.

[13:06] Again, I don't agree with him politically, but I think he is a great presence on screen.

[13:10] I love so many of the movies he's made.

[13:12] And, but I don't know, in terms of ratitude, like, it's not like I think of Dirty Harry as like a cool character, you know?

Dan McCoy

[13:19] Yeah.

[13:19] He's got like, he's got some nice 70s suits.

[13:22] He's got a really long gun.

[13:24] Yeah.

[13:24] It's so long.

[13:25] Long gun.

[13:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:26] So I think I'm going to give him, I'm going to, I've been, I'm, this episode, I feel like I'm, I'm a little more luxurious with my grading.

[13:35] I'm going to give him a six on this one.

[13:37] No, I'm going to give him a five, actually.

[13:38] I'll give him a five on ratitude.

Dan McCoy

[13:39] He gets a five on ratitude.

[13:41] Damn.

[13:41] I'm going to, I'm going to stay parsimonious and I'm going to give him a five.

Stuart Wellington

[13:45] Okay.

[13:45] Let's talk about badness.

[13:46] How bad is this dirty police officer?

Dan McCoy

[13:50] He's a pretty bad dude.

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] He's a pretty bad dude.

[13:52] I mean, he can, he takes down Scorpio.

[13:55] Yeah.

[13:55] You know, who the, the regular legal system can't even handle this monster.

[13:58] Yeah.

[13:59] He's impossible to stop.

Dan McCoy

[14:00] I mean, he's, I mean, essentially he remains just a cop.

[14:05] Yeah.

[14:05] Like he is not, he does not ascend to like the level of action movie.

[14:11] Wildness than some of these.

[14:12] Yeah.

[14:12] But like, I think it is a testament to how dirty this Harry is.

[14:16] I'm still going to give him a nine for badness.

[14:17] Okay.

[14:18] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] I'm going to give him an eight because yeah, I feel like he's just not at the same level

[14:23] in terms of action as some of the others, but he's so, he has such aplomb when he did.

[14:28] Yeah.

[14:28] And the fact that when he, you know, the, the famous speech, but how many, how many shots

[14:32] did I fire?

[14:33] You know, like that's just him talking a guy into not reaching for his gun.

[14:37] And that's pretty, that's pretty badass.

[14:39] Pretty, pretty badass.

[14:40] That's verbal action.

[14:41] Verbal fighting.

Stuart Wellington

[14:42] Give me a lucky dip for old dirty Harry.

Dan McCoy

[14:45] That's a 13 again.

Stuart Wellington

[14:47] Okay.

[14:48] Doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop.

Dan McCoy

[14:50] Sure has to adjust in real time as many numbers have been eliminated.

Stuart Wellington

[14:54] Yeah.

[14:55] Ooh.

[14:55] Okay.

[14:55] Actually, I think he's going to have a little trouble with this old lucky dip.

[14:59] On a scale of one to 10, one being very likely to 10 being very unlikely.

[15:07] This is another pre-election one?

[15:10] Yes.

[15:11] How likely is dirty Harry Callahan going to be canceled or me too'd?

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] Oh, so likely.

Stuart Wellington

[15:18] One.

[15:19] I mean, yeah.

[15:20] No, very likely.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] Yeah, very likely.

[15:22] Very likely was one, right?

[15:23] Yes.

[15:24] And unlikely was 10?

[15:25] Because the high scores are, you want them, the stuff that you like, you put at the high

[15:28] school.

[15:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:29] I was paying more attention to what you were saying, Stuart, than what you were.

Stuart Wellington

[15:32] Yeah.

[15:32] Thank you.

[15:32] So I messed it up.

[15:33] So very unlikely is a one.

[15:35] Oh.

[15:35] Very likely is a 10.

Elliott Kalan

[15:37] Oh, then 10.

[15:37] He'll be canceled.

[15:38] I mean, he would go to jail.

Dan McCoy

[15:40] Wait.

[15:40] So you're rewarding the bad behavior.

[15:42] Wait a minute.

[15:42] I'm just according to Stuart's score.

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] I know.

[15:45] No, wait.

[15:45] I messed it up.

Stuart Wellington

[15:46] Wait.

[15:47] Previously, the idea was.

Elliott Kalan

[15:48] The idea is that he should not get canceled.

Stuart Wellington

[15:50] Exactly.

[15:50] So that's lower.

[15:51] So he gets a one or a zero, right?

Elliott Kalan

[15:53] So wait.

[15:54] Look.

[15:54] Whatever one it is where he gets canceled, that's the one I'm picking.

[15:57] Yeah.

[15:57] So that's low.

[15:58] Yeah.

[15:58] Low, yeah.

[15:59] So we get to a one.

[15:59] We're both going low.

Dan McCoy

[16:00] We're going to both give him a one, I think, for this.

Elliott Kalan

[16:02] Okay.

[16:02] We did it.

[16:02] Thank you, guys.

[16:03] He would certainly be brought up on charges.

[16:05] I don't know if he would be convicted, but he would be brought up on charges.

[16:08] No.

Dan McCoy

[16:08] He'd be reshuffled.

[16:09] He'd be put on desk, Dewey.

Elliott Kalan

[16:11] Yeah.

[16:12] He loses.

[16:13] Get a salary for doing nothing.

[16:14] He's the kind of police officer that people protest about.

Stuart Wellington

[16:17] Yeah.

[16:17] You'd have to move over to True Social for his social media needs.

[16:21] Okay.

[16:21] Dan, give me a roll for our next hero.

[16:23] That's a four.

[16:25] Four.

[16:27] Okay.

[16:28] That you would know him as the Shogun's Executioner.

[16:31] Formerly Ogami Ito from the Lone Wolf and Cub series.

[16:35] Dan, have you seen any of these?

[16:36] I have not.

Dan McCoy

[16:37] This is going to be.

[16:38] These are fun.

[16:39] Trouble for me.

Stuart Wellington

[16:40] Okay.

[16:41] Well, imagine a man who can perform a cut on your neck that creates a whistling sound

[16:46] that is something that swordsmen long to hear.

[16:51] How ironic that they hear it from their own throat.

[16:53] That's right.

[16:54] Ogami Ito, the Shogun's Executioner, the baddest dude in the universe.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] I don't remember if this happens in any of the movies.

[17:00] In the comic, there's a scene where some guys are harassing a woman,

[17:04] and to show them how to treat a woman, he has sex with her right in front of them

[17:07] and is not phased at all by the fact that all these bad dudes are watching,

[17:11] and the woman loves it, and he's just like, see, that's how you do it.

Stuart Wellington

[17:14] And these guys are like, how is this man able to get a boner?

[17:17] Yeah, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[17:18] With us looking at him.

[17:19] Is this, is Mifune, does he do this in the movies?

[17:23] No.

[17:23] Who is it?

[17:24] No, no, no.

[17:24] Okay.

[17:25] I don't, actually, I don't remember the actor's name.

Elliott Kalan

[17:26] I'll have to look.

[17:26] I can't remember his name either.

[17:27] I'll look it up.

[17:28] But it's not Mifune.

[17:30] Okay.

[17:31] There's other Japanese actors, Dan.

[17:33] I just thought I knew that.

[17:33] And it's not Takeshi Shimura either, the other Japanese actor you were going to mention.

[17:37] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[17:39] I'm at a disadvantage, but I'm going to say a seven.

[17:43] I'm guessing at a seven.

[17:44] He's pretty rad.

Stuart Wellington

[17:46] He pushes around a baby cart that could be converted into a variety of different weapons and killing tools.

[17:52] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[17:52] Now, that might be baditude, not ratitude.

[17:55] But I'm going to say, oh, so it's a, wait a minute.

[17:58] Why am I freaking, well, I'm wasting my time looking up the, uh.

[18:01] The actor.

[18:02] The actor's names.

[18:03] But it's the, uh, because I can't remember off the top of my head.

[18:05] But I am giving him a, uh, nine in terms of ratitude because not only is he a super cool swordsman, he's a good dad.

[18:15] That's, and yeah, I feel like.

[18:17] He's a good dad to that cub.

Stuart Wellington

[18:18] I feel like Elliot, of the three of us, has a unique perspective on being a dad.

[18:22] Mm.

[18:22] And how rad it is.

[18:23] Oh, it's a dad dad.

[18:24] Elliot, have you ever given.

Elliott Kalan

[18:25] That's who it plays with Gamito.

Stuart Wellington

[18:28] Uh, Elliot, have you ever given either of your sons the choice between, uh, the sword and walking the demon's road of Maifumato or choosing the ball and joining their, uh, ancestors in, uh, the land of Yomi?

Elliott Kalan

[18:41] No, that's not a choice that I've ever given my children, uh, to be honest.

[18:46] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[18:46] Oh, Gamito did.

[18:46] But I think the thing is, this is a guy who's able to combine work with parenthood in a way that all of us wish we could.

[18:54] And he's always there for it.

[18:55] He's always there for the cub.

Stuart Wellington

[18:56] Yeah.

[18:56] And he gets, uh, he gets, yeah, he manages to achieve that balance.

[18:59] It's pretty incredible.

[18:59] Yeah.

[18:59] So I'll give him a 10 for that.

[19:00] Dan, uh, Elliot gave him a, uh, Elliot gave him a 10.

[19:03] Dan, you gave him a what for raditude?

[19:05] I gave him a seven.

[19:07] Okay, baditude.

[19:08] This dude has killed the entire shogunate with, uh, with bodies.

Elliott Kalan

[19:14] I mean, this is, I, the, the, the, the hells are full of his victims.

[19:17] Yeah.

[19:17] And he's, again, that he, he has a, he has a tricked out baby carriage full of weapons that he kills people with.

[19:24] Uh, he's a master swordsman.

[19:26] He kills people.

[19:27] They don't even know they're dead till later.

[19:29] Um, so I'm going to give him a 10 on this one also.

Stuart Wellington

[19:32] Man, he's doing great.

[19:33] Okay.

[19:34] Uh, you can only guess at the.

Dan McCoy

[19:35] I can only guess, but the tales I have heard, uh, told make me think that he must receive a 10.

[19:42] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[19:42] Now give me, let's give me a lucky dip.

[19:44] This might be a challenge for our boy.

[19:46] Got a seven.

[19:47] Okay.

[19:48] Hmm.

[19:50] Ooh, this might be a tough one, mainly due to a language barrier.

[19:54] Um, how likely on a scale of one to 10, can he finish the New York times Sunday crossword with no hints?

[20:02] Now I do have to point out, he shouldn't be completing it right now because the New York, uh, tech union, uh, New York times tech union is currently on strike.

[20:10] Yeah.

[20:10] As of this recording.

[20:11] He should not, uh, he shouldn't cross that picket line, but imagine he did this way back in the day.

Dan McCoy

[20:17] Uh, yeah, I don't, I mean, like, I don't know canonically, like whether he, uh, can, uh, speak English.

[20:25] You know, again, this is an English language newspaper.

[20:28] I'm assuming, presuming that the.

[20:29] I don't think that he, I don't remember.

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] Certainly not in the movies.

Dan McCoy

[20:34] Yeah.

[20:34] I'm going to give him a one for this.

[20:35] Unfortunately.

Elliott Kalan

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:36] He's going to lose some points.

[20:37] I'm also going to give him a one.

[20:38] He is, he is living at a time when not only would it be hard for him to learn English, but, uh, he's living at a time when Japan is effectively cut off from English language nations for the most part.

[20:49] Uh, it's during the period before the reopening of Japan, uh, when America basically forced Japan to start letting us trade where we wanted to.

[20:56] So I'm going to give him a one on this also.

[20:58] Yeah.

[20:58] I think he's going to lack both the language skills and the frame of reference.

[21:00] When it says, uh, blank Morales, he's not going to know.

[21:04] No.

[21:05] He's not going to know.

[21:06] It's always Eastside Morales.

[21:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:08] Yeah.

[21:09] And it's always acai berries.

[21:11] They love it.

[21:13] Uh, okay.

[21:14] Give me another one, Dan.

[21:15] Uh, that's a 13 again.

[21:17] 13.

[21:19] Okay.

[21:20] Guys, we've got another classic here.

[21:22] There have been so many of these fucking movies.

[21:25] His name is James.

[21:27] James Bond.

[21:28] Oh, yeah.

[21:29] Yeah.

[21:30] Stirred, not shaken.

[21:33] Um, played by a couple of actors you might've heard of.

[21:36] Sean Connery, Roger Moore.

[21:38] Daniel Craig.

[21:39] Yeah.

[21:40] Here's the thing.

[21:40] Timothy Dalton.

Elliott Kalan

[21:41] Timothy Dalton.

[21:42] Pierce Brosnahan.

[21:44] Pierce Brosnahan.

[21:46] Uh, George the lazy bee.

[21:48] The lazy bee.

Dan McCoy

[21:51] Um, wow.

[21:53] Well, here's, here's, here's, here's the problem you run into.

[21:56] Like, like, like if this was the sixties, obviously highest marks for radness.

[22:02] Uh, you know, the, the tides, the cultural tides have turned against some of the signifiers

[22:08] of James Bond.

[22:09] However.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] Like his dislike of the Beatles.

[22:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:12] Yes.

[22:12] He was wrong about the Beatles and he was wrong about the, uh, way he treated most of his

[22:18] female cohorts.

[22:20] Yes.

[22:20] Fair point.

[22:20] Uh, yeah.

[22:22] But he does, he is like kind of the avatar of like, here's a bunch of cool stuff.

[22:28] Like here's, you're going to wear a tuxedo and you're not going to care if you're a spy

[22:32] and people know your name and you're going to drink martinis.

[22:35] You're going to have gadgets.

[22:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:36] You're going to be good at gambling.

[22:38] Yeah.

[22:38] Constantly cool and collected at all times.

[22:40] Cool stuff like gambling.

Elliott Kalan

[22:41] Yeah.

[22:42] You're going to do the coolest thing there is.

Dan McCoy

[22:44] Baccarat.

[22:48] I mean, all, I mean, all that said, I mean.

Stuart Wellington

[22:50] Have you guys ever, have you ever gone to like a Vegas casino and been like, I want to

[22:55] go play Baccarat.

Dan McCoy

[22:57] I don't know how to play it.

[22:58] Otherwise.

[22:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:59] Sure.

[22:59] John Barry theme boys.

[23:00] I'm playing some Baccarat.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] I mean, if you count the song as part of his general effect.

[23:06] Then it goes up a couple notches because that's such a cool rad song.

Dan McCoy

[23:09] Yes.

[23:10] I, yeah, that's the thing.

[23:11] Like even with the.

[23:13] I do count the song.

[23:14] Even with the shit, I still kind of have to give him an eight for this.

[23:17] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[23:18] Oh, see, I'm going to give him, I'm going to give him a nine.

[23:20] Yeah.

[23:20] If the song is factored in and just like, I feel even though he has so much, the older

[23:25] stuff has aged pure poorly.

[23:26] He is such the ur text for that, for, for action star.

[23:30] Like that is, that's as far back as you can go before it starts to seem kind of like

[23:34] weirdly disconnected from what we think of as a, as an action hero today.

[23:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:40] And badness.

[23:41] How bad is James Bond?

Dan McCoy

[23:43] This is a hard one.

[23:44] Cause he like, he's done so much.

[23:46] He saved the world so many times.

[23:48] And yet, like, I feel like there's a certain lack of total badness to him.

[23:55] I'm also going to give him an eight for this.

[23:57] It's hard to explain, but I just don't feel the total badness.

[23:58] I'm going to give him an eight on this one too.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] I'm also going to give him an eight on this one.

[24:01] I feel like if you put him in a room with, with some of these other characters, he would not do, he would not have much of a chance.

[24:07] But if you put him in a factory or on a crane or something like that with some of these other characters, he would win.

[24:14] Or skiing somewhere.

[24:14] Or skiing.

[24:15] Exactly.

[24:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] Jesus.

[24:16] Put him on skis.

[24:17] He's going to wreck everybody.

[24:18] Yeah.

[24:19] Okay.

[24:19] So give me a lucky dip roll, James.

[24:21] For Jimmy.

[24:22] That's a 12.

[24:24] 12.

[24:25] Okay.

[24:27] We've done that.

[24:28] Mm-hmm.

[24:30] You want to cross some of these off?

[24:32] I should.

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:32] Oh, okay.

[24:33] Oh, he wasn't crossing them out?

[24:35] Now, if James Bond were to appear on a.

[24:40] Yeah.

[24:40] How do I frame this as a.

[24:42] I've been having some challenges framing this.

Elliott Kalan

[24:44] It's so good that he didn't get the giving advice on a date one.

[24:47] That would be a bad category for him.

[24:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:49] Yeah.

[24:50] Also, the getting canceled one.

[24:52] Oh, for sure.

[24:52] Pretty likely.

[24:53] Okay.

[24:54] If you were to transport the character James Bond into a rom-com.

[25:00] Oh.

[25:01] On a scale of one being wouldn't work at all.

[25:05] Ten being he would fit in seamlessly.

[25:08] It would be a normal rom-com.

[25:10] James Bond is basically a rom-com character.

[25:12] Where does he fit?

Dan McCoy

[25:14] I think he still gets pretty high.

[25:16] I mean, like you say, normal rom-com.

[25:18] I think you might want to spin it where it's like.

[25:21] Like a 90s rom-com.

[25:22] Like most.

[25:22] I mean, like this is true of most rom-coms where like someone needs to learn a lesson.

[25:27] Like maybe he needs to learn to like not be so sexist.

[25:31] But he's a dapper man.

[25:33] Yeah.

[25:33] Who wears evening wear and is suave.

[25:37] I would give him a seven.

[25:38] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[25:39] Oh, see, I'm going to give him an eight because I could see it going either way.

[25:41] Either he is the guy who learns a lesson or he is the bad boyfriend who the main character

[25:46] has to win the girl of his dreams from.

[25:51] And you understand why she's with him because he's so cool.

[25:54] And he's so suave.

[25:56] But you know that she shouldn't be with him because he's sleeping around and also shoots

[25:59] people.

[25:59] Interesting take.

[26:00] You know.

S4

[26:05] Dr. Game Show is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners with callers from

[26:09] all around the world.

[26:10] And this is a game to get you to listen.

[26:13] Name three reasons to listen to Dr. Game Show.

[26:16] Kyla and Lunar from Freedom, Maine.

S5

[26:19] Dishes.

[26:20] Folding the laundry.

[26:21] Doing cat grooming.

S4

[26:23] Okay.

[26:24] Thank you.

[26:25] Great.

S5

[26:26] Oh, things you could do while listening.

[26:28] Yeah.

S4

[26:29] I love that the read.

[26:30] I'm like, why do you listen to this show?

[26:32] And Lunar's like, dishes.

[26:34] Fantastic.

[26:35] Manolo.

S5

[26:36] Number one is that it'll inspire you.

[26:40] You're going to be like, oh, I could do that.

S4

[26:42] That's all we have time for.

[26:44] But you'll just have to find Dr. Game Show on Maximum Fun to find out for yourself.

S6

[26:50] Do you like stuff?

[26:52] Things?

[26:52] Items?

[26:53] Because MaxFunStore.com has tons of stuff from a bunch of shows.

[26:58] Want a shirt?

[26:59] We got them.

[27:00] Bumper stickers?

[27:01] No need to honk.

[27:03] They're here.

[27:04] Drink wear.

[27:05] Sweatshirts.

[27:06] Tiny bandana for your dog.

[27:08] It can all be yours at MaxFunStore.com.

[27:11] And if you're a MaxFun member, keep an eye on your inbox because you get a discount.

[27:17] Now is the time to shop for the MaxFun fans in your life, including yourself.

[27:22] You deserve it.

[27:23] MaxFunStore.com.

[27:25] Go get something special or kind of dumb.

[27:28] We've got it all.

Dan McCoy

[27:33] The Flophouse, of course, comes to you courtesy mostly of listeners like you who've decided to support the podcast they love by going to MaximumFun.org and becoming a member of MaxFun.

[27:47] But we are also sponsored in part by Aura Frames.

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[29:48] The Flop House is also sponsored in part by Factor.

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[31:41] And now, some more Flophouse-specific things to be said from us to you.

[31:47] If you don't care about sponsors but love the Flophouse, this is the section of the plugs for you.

[31:54] And it starts right now.

[31:56] The Flop TV season is still going.

[31:58] That's six one-hour live streaming shows.

[32:01] Tickets at theflophouse.simpletix.com.

[32:04] One week from this day that this is being released, we will discuss Highlander 2, the quickening.

[32:10] An infamous sequel.

[32:12] That's December the 7th at 6 p.m. Pacific, 9 Eastern if you want to watch it live and chat along with the other viewers.

[32:19] But it will also be available for ticket holders to view on demand until the end of February.

[32:26] So, ticks again at theflophouse.simpletix.com.

[32:30] $7 per show.

[32:32] Or get a season pass and pay $35, which is the equivalent of getting one show for free.

[32:38] And also, if you prefer seeing us truly live, I believe tickets are still available for our in-person show at San Francisco Sketch Fest.

[32:48] We will be back in 2025 at Cobb's Comedy Club Sunday, January 19.

[32:56] That is coming up pretty fast, actually, at 7 p.m.

[33:00] And if you want tickets, go to sfsketchfest.com.

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] Okay, okay.

[33:07] Give me another roll, Dan.

[33:08] We're getting near the end.

[33:11] A four?

[33:13] Yep.

[33:14] Okay.

[33:14] Our next up is we're going to be seeing this gentleman on Flop TV soon.

[33:22] Connor McCloud.

[33:23] He's an immortal.

[33:24] He's a Highlander.

[33:26] Okay.

[33:26] He wears a kilt.

[33:27] Connor McCloud.

Dan McCoy

[33:29] Okay.

[33:29] I've only seen Highlander.

[33:31] I have not seen Highlander 2 colonel Quickening yet.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] Did you see Highlander 3?

[33:36] What was it?

[33:36] The final illusion?

[33:37] Final dimension?

[33:38] Something like that?

[33:38] I think so, with Mario Van Peebles.

[33:40] Yeah.

[33:40] I remember seeing that in the theaters.

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] I did, too.

[33:43] I also remember the trailer.

[33:44] Yeah.

[33:44] I remember the trailer where they're like, his name is Kane.

[33:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:48] And he can make a truck turn invisible.

[33:50] Fucking cool as hell.

Dan McCoy

[33:53] As someone who, you know, my uncle.

[33:58] Oh, that's, wait a minute.

Elliott Kalan

[33:59] Highlander.

[33:59] What?

[34:00] Oh, Highlander 3 was the sorcerer.

[34:02] And this was, oh, no.

[34:03] Did it have two different titles?

[34:04] Was that it?

[34:05] Yeah.

[34:05] And then there's.

[34:06] Yeah.

[34:06] Wait a minute.

[34:07] Oh, so it was two different titles.

[34:08] That's what it was.

[34:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:09] Oh, thank God.

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] It was when he saw it as Highlander, the final dimension.

[34:12] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[34:14] What's the animated lightning in those movies?

[34:17] Is that part of his powers?

[34:18] Or does it just imbue him with something?

Stuart Wellington

[34:20] Well, when he chops somebody's head off and he gets hit with lightning to get strong.

Dan McCoy

[34:24] Oh, okay.

[34:25] Cool.

Elliott Kalan

[34:25] I think so.

[34:26] That's him absorbing their power, right?

Dan McCoy

[34:28] Yeah.

[34:29] Yeah.

[34:29] Well, okay.

[34:29] So he's got, like, lightning stuff going on.

[34:31] And I was going to say, as my uncle would not let us forget growing up, we are of Scottish

[34:37] heritage.

[34:38] So, gotta love a Highlander.

[34:42] He's got a highlander.

[34:43] You know, wears a kilt around and such.

[34:44] He goes to wrestling matches by himself as an adult.

[34:48] Yeah.

[34:48] I'm going to give him a seven for radness.

Stuart Wellington

[34:51] Okay.

[34:51] All right.

[34:52] I mean, I love Scott.

[34:52] He owns a curiosity shop.

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] The thing is, I love-

[34:56] Is it old?

[34:57] Not old enough.

[34:58] I love Scottish things.

[34:59] Scotland, I think, is maybe my second favorite country in terms of countries I've spent time

[35:03] in.

[35:03] I love curiosity shops, but I'm going to have to give him, like, a four.

[35:07] I just don't find him very rad.

Stuart Wellington

[35:10] Oof.

[35:10] Okay.

[35:11] Well, I think he was hoping to clean up in that category.

[35:13] Let's talk about badness.

[35:15] How bad is this Highlander?

Dan McCoy

[35:16] I mean, there can be only one, which seems like that's pretty bad in and of itself.

[35:21] It's pretty bad, but they keep showing up.

[35:24] They do keep showing up.

[35:25] They keep breaking that rule.

[35:25] Even though there can be only one, there's quite a few of them.

[35:27] Yeah.

[35:28] Yeah.

[35:28] It's lousy with them.

[35:29] I'm also-

[35:30] I mean, you know, sevens across.

[35:32] Okay.

[35:32] Sevens across.

[35:33] Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[35:34] I'll give him a six.

[35:37] Okay.

[35:38] No, you know what?

[35:38] I'll give him a seven.

[35:39] Okay.

[35:40] Okay.

[35:40] Clancy Brown is like, I got beaten by a six.

[35:45] Okay.

[35:45] Give me a lucky dip roll for this Highlander.

[35:48] That's a 17.

[35:51] Oh, we got a loop all the way back around.

[35:53] Oh, no.

[35:54] There we are.

[35:55] Oh, no.

[35:56] Okay.

[35:57] On a scale of one being unlike, wait, one being very likely to 10 being very unlikely, how

[36:07] likely is Connor McCloud going to vote independent in the United States election?

[36:14] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[36:15] Now, assuming that he is a citizen, because again, he's from Scotland, right?

[36:20] But maybe he became a naturalized citizen at some point.

[36:22] Yes, we're going to assume that.

[36:26] I'm going to say pretty high, I think, pretty likely that he would vote independent.

[36:30] So that's a low score.

Dan McCoy

[36:31] Yeah.

[36:31] I'm getting like a sort of a libertarian vibe off of him.

[36:34] Yeah, me too.

[36:36] So I don't know.

[36:36] I'll give him a- what?

[36:37] Low is likely.

[36:38] I'll give him a three.

[36:40] Yeah.

[36:40] Yeah, I'm going to give him a three also.

Stuart Wellington

[36:42] Not great.

[36:44] Okay.

[36:45] Give me another roll, Dan.

[36:46] We're getting near the bottom.

[36:47] The roll is a nine.

[36:51] It is a nine.

[36:52] That goes-

[36:53] Okay.

[36:55] This guy has a certain set of skills, and those skills, sometimes they ain't pretty.

[37:00] We have everybody's favorite character, Brian Mills.

[37:04] What?

[37:05] Who's that?

[37:05] Brian- you don't know Brian Mills?

[37:08] General Mills, right?

[37:09] Yeah.

[37:09] Brian Mills from the Taken franchise.

[37:12] Oh, right.

[37:13] I thought his name was Liam Taken.

[37:15] You know what?

[37:16] It's Brian Mills.

Dan McCoy

[37:18] I didn't even remember from our aborted earlier attempts to do this episode.

[37:25] We've been over this.

[37:27] Okay.

[37:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:28] So as we- I think we've all agreed- we all agree.

[37:30] He would score very high if the category was Dadness.

Dan McCoy

[37:34] Yeah, Dadness was high for Brian Mills.

Elliott Kalan

[37:36] Dadness would be a big category for him.

[37:38] But it's not.

[37:38] It's Radness.

[37:39] Radness, I think it's going to be pretty low on this.

[37:42] I mean, I generally like seeing Liam Neeson in movies, but I feel like the whole point

[37:47] of Brian Mills is that he is- you don't suspect that he is going to have this stuff inside

[37:51] of him.

[37:51] He doesn't project as a cool-

[37:53] I feel like he gets an extra point for that speech.

Stuart Wellington

[37:56] His speech about skills.

[37:58] That's pretty cool.

[37:58] But that's not enough.

[37:59] I don't think it's enough to really put him in the heavy-

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] No, I'd give him like a three, even with the speech factored in.

Dan McCoy

[38:05] For intensity and for tallness, I'm going to give him a five.

Stuart Wellington

[38:10] Tallness?

[38:11] You know, hey, it's one of the most sought-after, attractive features.

[38:15] I didn't realize tallness was one of the things.

Elliott Kalan

[38:17] I guess I'll tell Puck from Alpha Flight that you'll be grading him low, Dan.

[38:21] Oh, yeah.

[38:22] Okay.

[38:23] Now, badness.

[38:24] How bad is this battler?

[38:25] He's got a specific, particular set of skills.

[38:28] You know?

[38:29] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[38:29] He's pretty bad.

[38:31] He's a, you know, and he maintained being bad even as he aged through several sequels.

[38:37] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[38:38] And he can start out like such a spring chicken.

[38:40] Even starting out, I feel like Liam Neeson has admitted that he's like shocked that they've

[38:45] been as successful as they were.

[38:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] Well, it's such a, it's, he and Nicolas Cage both, it is a very strange thing for them

[38:51] to suddenly become action stars.

[38:53] Like, Nicolas Cage was this strange kind of like experimental actor in many ways, and then

[38:58] was in Con Air and The Rock and all those others, and it's like, oh, no, no, he's a huge action

[39:02] star.

[39:03] And Liam Neeson, similarly, I mean, he was Darkman, but like, you wouldn't know for the rest of

[39:07] his filmography that he would become an action star late in life, yeah.

[39:10] And then be fighting wolves with his bare hands, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[39:13] Yeah.

[39:13] Do you think the Liam Neeson now regrets not being Darkman in the Darkman sequels?

Elliott Kalan

[39:21] You'd have to ask him.

[39:22] It might not come up in his minds that much.

Dan McCoy

[39:24] I'll text him.

[39:25] I'll send him a text.

[39:26] I just want to say for badness, I think he suffers from the company we have kept so far

[39:32] in these minis.

[39:33] I'll give him a seven.

[39:34] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[39:36] Hey, if you lose a daughter, he's going to find that thing.

[39:39] I'll also give you a, give him a seven.

Elliott Kalan

[39:41] I feel like he is, again, he cuts through bad guys like a hot knife through butter.

[39:45] But when you compare him to Conan the Barbarian.

[39:48] It's tough.

[39:49] You know, it's tough.

[39:50] Or the, or the widow.

[39:51] You know, it's tough.

Dan McCoy

[39:52] Dan, what do you roll?

[39:53] I assume that this like weird thing is the equivalent of a 20.

[39:56] Yup.

[39:57] Or the bride.

[39:57] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[39:58] The snake.

[39:59] I think he's going to be pretty good at this one.

[40:02] On a scale of one being unlikely to 10 being very likely.

[40:07] How likely is Brian Mills going to give a great wedding speech?

[40:12] He's so good with speeches.

[40:13] I feel like he would fucking do that in a Taken movie too.

[40:16] Yeah.

[40:16] Give his first daughter's wedding.

Dan McCoy

[40:17] He's got that gravitas too, you know.

[40:20] Yeah.

[40:20] I think, I feel like he'd crush it.

[40:21] He is a dad again.

[40:23] He is a dad.

Stuart Wellington

[40:24] Dad again.

[40:24] That's my favorite movie.

Dan McCoy

[40:27] I'm not going to give him top marks because I don't think there's going to be a lot of humor

[40:30] in that speech.

[40:31] But in terms of heart, like I'm going to give him a nine.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] Oh, people are going to feel it.

[40:34] They're going to have a lump in their throat.

[40:35] I'm also going to give him a nine.

[40:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:37] Okay.

[40:37] Brian Mills.

[40:38] Good points.

[40:39] Okay.

[40:39] Dan, give me a roll.

[40:40] We are down to two heroes left.

[40:43] Perfect.

[40:43] That's a two.

[40:44] Perfect.

[40:44] You nailed it right on the head.

[40:46] She has fought queens.

[40:48] She's fought babies.

[40:49] She is Ellen Ripley.

[40:51] Oh.

[40:52] Hero from the Alien franchise.

[40:53] You left out a piece of information about what kind of queens and babies.

[40:56] Oh, it changes your opinion when I don't say alien in there, right?

[41:00] You're right.

[41:02] Ellen Ripley is the hero we're talking about, played by Sigourney Weaver.

[41:09] This will also, I'll also include the like, what, Ripley alien hybrid type thing from Alien Resurrection?

[41:16] Sure.

[41:16] That's so Ripley.

[41:17] It's still Ripley.

Elliott Kalan

[41:18] I mean, it's, you know, whether that's still Ripley or not is a question for the philosophers, Dan.

[41:22] But, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:23] Well, Stuart brought up one of my reasons.

[41:25] Like, look, she's introduced as kind of deliberately unrad.

[41:31] You know, the idea was you don't know in Alien who the hero is going to be.

[41:36] Like, she was not a big name.

[41:37] Maybe it's the Alien.

[41:38] At the time.

[41:39] Yeah, it could be the Alien.

Stuart Wellington

[41:40] I mean, the Alien walks away looking pretty good in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[41:42] Yeah, probably not Ian Holm.

[41:45] You're probably pretty sure he's not going to be the hero.

Dan McCoy

[41:47] So, she starts from a place of deliberate unradness.

[41:52] But by the end of that movie, she's killing an alien in her underwear.

[41:57] By the end of the series, she is a hybrid alien who has been rebirthed.

[42:02] So, overall, I think I'm going to give her a seven.

Elliott Kalan

[42:05] She's pretty rad.

[42:06] I'm going to give her an eight.

[42:07] For radness, I agree she is not coded as cool necessarily.

[42:11] But once again, I'm giving her strong woman in a man's world points.

[42:15] And also, her jumpsuit looks cool.

[42:18] I love that 80s style.

[42:19] You know, it's 79, but it feels more 80s at times than 70s.

Stuart Wellington

[42:22] And also, like, she pulls off the bald head look very well.

[42:26] Pulls it off great.

[42:27] Yeah, and she has this really cool arc.

[42:28] She's cool.

[42:29] Okay, let's talk about badness.

[42:31] How bad is – well, she might not stack up against some of these other nonstop killing machines.

[42:37] But she does fight, like, the ultimate living weapon and win regularly.

[42:41] Yes.

[42:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:43] She's – well, Dan, you say what you're going to say.

[42:45] It sounds like you have a little bit of an argument against that.

Dan McCoy

[42:46] It's a mixed decision, I think.

[42:49] You know, she does die at least once.

[42:50] And, you know, her life is –

[42:52] True.

Elliott Kalan

[42:54] You were the one who said that the other one was – the one after she died was her.

Dan McCoy

[42:58] No, no.

[42:59] Well, I'm saying, like, out of, like, the four times she's encountered an alien, she lost once, arguably.

[43:04] Or was a draw.

Elliott Kalan

[43:05] That was –

[43:06] Not a draw.

[43:07] She threw herself into a vat of fire and lava to kill an alien that was coming at her.

[43:11] Yeah, a draw.

[43:12] That's –

[43:12] Well, died.

[43:15] Seems like a victory.

Dan McCoy

[43:16] I mean, the fact that she's willing to do that, though, I'll give her a nine.

Elliott Kalan

[43:21] I'm going to give her a nine as well.

[43:22] I feel like she – but more because of how quickly she learns.

[43:27] She is not trained as a soldier as far as we can tell.

[43:30] But she picks up fighting with a flamethrower really fast.

[43:33] She can control the power loader.

[43:34] She has sex with an alien in the fourth one.

[43:37] She's willing to jump into a vat of lava.

[43:39] Like, she's – it's pretty – it's all pretty badass.

[43:41] She'll do whatever it takes to get that alien.

[43:44] She fucking rocks.

[43:45] That's a nine.

[43:46] She's one of the great characters in all of action film.

[43:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:49] Yeah.

[43:49] Dan, give me a lucky dip roll.

[43:53] Okay.

[43:54] Okay.

[43:55] This was good.

[43:56] There were kind of two options here, and one of them she was not going to do well on.

Elliott Kalan

[44:00] This category is mourning her daughter.

[44:02] She's great at that.

Stuart Wellington

[44:04] Okay.

[44:04] So, on a scale of one being unlikely, ten being very likely, how likely is she going to get approval for a small business loan?

[44:14] Sorry, which one's very likely and which one's – okay.

[44:17] One is unlikely.

Dan McCoy

[44:20] Well, she has a long employment history.

Elliott Kalan

[44:24] There's a big gap in the middle where she was in cryogenic sleep for years.

[44:28] True.

[44:29] True.

Dan McCoy

[44:29] She does pick up skills quickly.

[44:31] As Elliot says, she has the power loader.

[44:35] She's good at that.

[44:36] True.

[44:37] But I do think that the fact that her life is entwined with the aliens now and forever is probably going to harm her.

[44:45] So, I'm going to give her a five.

[44:46] Okay.

[44:46] I'm going to split the difference.

Elliott Kalan

[44:47] I'm going to give her a seven.

[44:48] I feel like she dots her I's and crosses her T's.

[44:51] She does things by protocol, by the book.

[44:53] So, whatever hoop she's got to jump through to get that loan, she'll do it.

[44:56] I think there is a high probability that an alien will appear during the loan approval process, which might make it more difficult unless the bank manager is super impressed by what he sees when she kills that alien.

[45:09] So, I'm going to say a seven, but it's always possible that they'll say you're too big a risk.

[45:14] Yeah.

[45:15] Okay.

[45:16] Or they will say your credit history has a huge gap.

[45:20] You didn't borrow or use a credit card for 50 years.

Stuart Wellington

[45:24] We don't need to roll anymore.

[45:25] We don't need to roll at all.

[45:26] We are down to one final action hero.

[45:30] That's Frank Martin.

[45:33] Who's this?

[45:33] I know who Frank Driven is.

[45:35] Jason Statham from the Transporter films.

[45:38] The Transporter.

[45:40] He has a simple rule.

[45:42] No women, no kids.

[45:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:45] I think there's a fairly high level.

[45:48] He has a million other rules, actually.

[45:50] He is the opposite of Lone Wolf in that Lone Wolf only transports kids.

[45:56] Yeah.

[45:57] That's true, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:58] A fairly high level of radness.

[46:00] He's got the suit, transports things.

[46:04] He's got rules.

[46:05] He's really good driving.

[46:06] Have you seen his amps?

Stuart Wellington

[46:08] They're crazy.

[46:09] You know, the sheer Statham-ness of this character.

[46:12] He really missed out on not getting the Olympics one because wasn't he like an Olympic diver?

Dan McCoy

[46:18] I don't know whether he actually ever made it that high, but he was definitely like, yeah.

[46:21] He was a diver.

Stuart Wellington

[46:23] Statham or the Transporter?

Dan McCoy

[46:24] No, Statham.

Stuart Wellington

[46:25] The Transporter is just a man of many skills.

[46:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:29] One of them is driving.

[46:30] He definitely was a competitive diver.

[46:31] I don't know exactly how high he went.

[46:32] So how rad is he, though?

[46:34] I'm going to give an eight for red.

[46:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[46:36] I'm going to give him, you know what?

[46:38] I'm going to be a little tougher on him.

[46:39] I'm going to give him a six.

[46:40] The Transporter has always felt a little secondhand to me.

[46:44] Okay.

[46:44] Like he is trading on the style and fumes of other previous action characters.

[46:51] Yeah.

[46:51] But what about badness?

Dan McCoy

[46:55] I mean, this is another one where it's like, he's tough.

[47:00] He can definitely like fight his way through a room, even though he's slipping on some oil.

[47:04] That is like an all-timer action sequence.

[47:06] It's a great sequence.

Stuart Wellington

[47:08] What about that bit in part two where he flips his car upside down, so a hook knocks the bomb

[47:13] that's strapped to the bottom of his car off?

Dan McCoy

[47:15] Yeah.

[47:16] I mean, he can do some amazing things with cars, just like our Fast and Furious friends.

Stuart Wellington

[47:20] And then there's the third one where he is like transporting that like Russian girl who's

[47:24] been kidnapped and it turns into this weird like sub-dom like kink relationship.

[47:29] It's pretty great.

[47:31] Yeah.

[47:31] These are all good points.

[47:33] I don't know.

[47:33] I guess that doesn't affect his body.

Dan McCoy

[47:35] I feel, I don't know.

[47:37] I still feel like I'm influenced a little bit by Elliot about how threadbare some of this

[47:42] is, even though I do enjoy it.

[47:44] Okay.

[47:45] I'll give it a seven.

[47:45] Seven for badness.

[47:46] I'm going to give him a seven as well.

Elliott Kalan

[47:49] He can handle himself.

[47:50] He's got a lot of great moves.

[47:51] He does cool things.

[47:52] I feel even if they don't always cohere into a, into a hole for me.

[47:56] Yeah.

[47:56] You know.

Stuart Wellington

[47:57] He might actually do okay on this.

[47:59] How likely on a scale of one being unlikely, 10 being very likely.

[48:05] How likely is this to transport something?

[48:08] How likely is he to comfortably retire as an old man?

Elliott Kalan

[48:13] Oh, maybe of everyone on this list, maybe except for John McClane, maybe.

[48:18] I would give it, I would give him a high mark on this.

[48:20] I feel like he's going to do well.

[48:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[48:22] He's got all these rules and stuff, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[48:24] He's a, he's very professional.

[48:25] I would give him a 10 maybe.

[48:26] Ready to walk away.

[48:27] Yeah.

[48:27] I feel like he could walk away from this at a moment's notice and he does not, his job

[48:31] gets him into trouble.

[48:32] Once he stops doing that job, I feel like he's, he could just be, he could just go be a beekeeper.

Stuart Wellington

[48:37] This was, this was, this was the category I was worried Ripley was going to pull because there's no way she's comfortably retiring.

[48:43] She's fighting aliens until the very end.

Dan McCoy

[48:46] Yeah.

[48:47] They're in a death spiral.

[48:48] I, just because there's a chance that he just might, you know, transport one too many things before and get knocked off.

[48:56] I'm going to dock him a point, but I'll give him a nine.

Elliott Kalan

[48:57] I could see that.

[48:58] I could see that.

[48:59] But I think as opposed, I feel like especially comparison to the other characters, he is the, he is maybe the most likely.

[49:04] Yeah.

[49:05] The bad boys I could see retiring at some point.

Stuart Wellington

[49:07] Yeah.

[49:08] Someday.

[49:09] Okay.

[49:09] So that has been, I'm going to tally up the scores.

[49:17] Hey, so this is your game master, Stuart Wellington, chiming in with the final tally for our rankings of action movie heroes,

[49:27] official rankings for the flop house.

[49:30] Now, uh, tallied up all the scores and we have our top three contestants.

[49:37] Now coming in third, we actually have an even tie.

[49:42] Uh, James Bond and Indiana Jones both tie at 71 points.

[49:48] Not bad out of a possible 90.

[49:50] That is pretty good.

[49:51] And they both struggled a little bit when it came to the lucky dip, but that is, uh, often the case.

[49:57] Moving on to our second place.

[49:59] This is, uh, this is a big deal, but before actually I get there, let's, let's take a little pause.

[50:04] Let's look at our lowest scoring hero.

[50:07] And I think this is a little bit of a surprise for fans of the flop house.

[50:12] Cameron Poe coming in.

[50:13] And I think this is a little bit of a surprise for the game.

[50:15] Unfortunately, his easy Forrest Gumpian, uh, Jesus-like charm just did not put him on the scoreboard.

[50:24] So let's get back to the real scores.

[50:26] Let's talk at number two.

[50:28] This is our number two action movie hero.

[50:31] And that's right.

[50:32] Coming in big.

[50:33] We got the Sumerian himself, a king by his own hand.

[50:37] Conan the Barbarian with a whopping 78 points out of 90.

[50:43] That is huge.

[50:44] And honestly, he might've managed to take number one if he hadn't had a weak radness score from Mr. Dan McCoy.

[50:53] Dan McCoy coming in as the spoiler this time.

[50:56] That means there can be only one.

[51:00] The Black Mamba.

[51:01] Beatrix Kiddo.

[51:03] A.K.A. The Bride.

[51:05] She killed Bill.

[51:06] And she killed our hearts.

[51:08] She comes in with 80 points.

[51:10] Just beating out Conan the Barbarian.

[51:12] Uh, so that's it.

[51:14] There you have it, folks.

[51:15] Uh, the official rankings of action movie heroes here at the flop house.

[51:21] Back to you, guys.

[51:22] Whoa, that was a shocker.

[51:24] So, thank you so much for participating in this.

[51:27] Uh, this has been the official rankings of 2024.

[51:30] Can't wait to revisit them in 2025.

[51:33] Uh, okay.

[51:34] So, for the flop house, this has been a flop house mini.

[51:36] We are part of the Maximum Fun Podcast Network.

[51:40] Uh, we are produced by Alexander Smith.

[51:42] He is known as Howell Daughty on the internet.

[51:44] He's a musician.

[51:45] He's a podcast producer.

[51:46] He's great.

[51:47] For the flop house, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[51:49] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] I've been Elliot Kalin.

[51:51] Can't believe those results.

[51:53] Bye.

Stuart Wellington

[51:53] Bye.

Elliott Kalan

[51:54] Maximum Fun.

Dan McCoy

[52:00] A worker-owned network.

[52:02] Of artist-owned shows.

[52:03] Supported.

[52:04] Directly.

[52:05] By you.

FH Mini 117 – The Definitive Action Hero Ranking Pt. 2

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