The Flop House: Episode 8 - I Know Who Killed Me

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Just in time for Christmas, it's our Lindsay Lohan is an Amputee Stripper episode.

[0:05] We discuss I Know Who Killed Me.

[0:30] Hello, welcome to The Flophouse.

[0:35] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] And I'm fill-in Elliot Kalin.

[0:40] Yes, Elliot Kalin, by day, a segment producer for The Daily Show and popular Metro columnist.

[0:48] Although, I guess by day right now, it's the writer's strike, so...

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] By day, I am a guitar hero guitarist and Wii Tennis Pro.

[0:56] Yeah.

[0:56] And popular columnist for Metro.

Dan McCoy

[0:58] What happens at The Daily Show offices during the strike?

[1:02] Apparently, it's a lot of video games.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03] A lot of video games, and we watched Robocop and 310 to Yuma a couple days ago.

Dan McCoy

[1:07] That's a sweet job.

[1:09] Sounds rough, yeah.

[1:10] Yeah.

[1:11] But anyway, we didn't watch Robocop or 310 to Yuma.

[1:14] We watched I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan.

[1:18] And what are you guys' feelings about Lindsay Lohan?

[1:21] Former America's sweetheart, Lindsay Lohan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24] Yeah, she's in this movie.

[1:27] That's your first thought about her.

[1:29] I think she plays two characters, or is that spoiling too much of the movie?

[1:33] Well, does she play two characters?

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] Two characters, like in the true sense of the word characters.

[1:38] Two very different personalities.

[1:40] For instance, one kisses her boyfriend without biting his lip, and one kisses her boyfriend

[1:44] and bites his lip.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] The first being Aubrey?

Elliott Kalan

[1:47] Aubrey Fleming?

[1:48] The nice character is named Aubrey Fleming, and the bad girl is named Dakota Moss.

[1:53] I know.

Dan McCoy

[1:54] Now that's good screenwriting.

[1:55] Those names right there.

[1:56] Both names that are naturally incurring.

[1:59] Well, Aubrey Fleming, I think we were saying, you know, apparently Lindsay Lohan's playing

[2:03] sort of an 18th century gadabout.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07] Some sort of a wit.

[2:08] Or a 19th century scientist, or, you know.

[2:11] Right.

[2:12] Aubrey Fleming.

[2:12] Discovered the cure for cholera, you know, or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[2:16] Yeah.

[2:17] So, but one of them is a local school child.

[2:21] Very talented.

[2:22] A, yeah, a pianist.

[2:24] A pianist.

Stuart Wellington

[2:25] And that shit comes to bite her in the ass, if I recall the actual movie.

[2:29] If I remember what happens in the movie, the fact that she's a good-ass pianist, and doesn't

[2:33] actually respect her skills, and doesn't want to do it anymore, I think ends up getting

[2:37] her shit fucked up and all melted off, right?

[2:39] Or chopped off?

[2:40] Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:41] I've got it.

[2:42] The lesson of the movie seems to be, if you have a gift in music, you should go for

[2:45] it, or else you might lose a hand and leg and be prematurely buried.

[2:49] So that's what you take away from this movie.

[2:50] It's kind of what you have to take away from it.

[2:52] Don't hide your light under a bushel.

[2:54] Exactly.

[2:54] That's the moral.

[2:55] It's an inspiring tale for talented youngsters everywhere.

[2:57] There's a place for you, even if it's buried in a glass coffin.

Dan McCoy

[3:00] But, well, that's the thing.

[3:02] Aubrey Fleming spends most of the movie buried in said glass coffin.

[3:05] But you don't know that until the end.

[3:08] We are to puzzle out this web and decide whether...

[3:14] Chinese puzzle box of a film.

[3:16] Yeah.

[3:16] With more questions than answers.

[3:18] Is Lindsay Lohan actually two characters?

[3:20] Or does Dakota Moss, the stripper, or is she actually Aubrey Fleming?

Stuart Wellington

[3:27] What's weird is I think at one point they actually clarified, like the FBI agents actually find

[3:31] a story that Aubrey...

[3:34] I keep wanting to say Aubrey because that's an actual name.

[3:36] Yeah.

[3:37] Aubrey wrote, before she was kidnapped, about a person named Dakota who's a stripper.

[3:43] But...

Elliott Kalan

[3:43] But there's an actual person named Dakota.

[3:46] But it's established that being twins, as it turns out, I don't want to give too much away also,

[3:51] they of course have a telepathic connection to each other.

[3:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:54] Now, like my experience with twins is exclusively through like G.I. Joe with Tomax and Zamar,

[4:00] where if you punch one, the other one feels it and they finish each other's sentences.

[4:03] Elliot, you were saying you actually have a twin sister.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] I have a twin sister myself.

[4:07] My sister Stephanie.

[4:07] That shit happens, right?

[4:08] No, it's not.

[4:09] Have you tried punching her and seeing whether you get hurt?

[4:12] I've not tried punching her, but I am basically a teetotaler.

[4:15] I don't drink.

[4:15] And she is a heavy drinker.

[4:18] And at one time...

[4:19] I'm sure she would appreciate that you're reviewing this on the podcast.

[4:23] In her college days, she would often get, you know, she would, you know, she'd have to get her stomach pumped or something.

[4:29] She would be sick with drink, as they might say in like a Jack London novel.

[4:33] And I never felt any ill effects whatsoever.

[4:35] We have no link like that.

Dan McCoy

[4:37] Maybe you're just immune to the effects of alcohol.

[4:39] That could be it too.

[4:40] We should test that.

[4:42] That'll be after the podcast.

[4:44] That'll be next week.

[4:45] We will feed you shot after shot and see what happens.

[4:48] It's a great idea.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] So they have a telepathic connection, but that's only kind of hinted at.

[4:53] Right.

[4:54] Through a very bizarre insert of an educational film starring Radio's Art Bell.

[5:01] The Arizona paranormal radio host.

[5:03] Yeah, I'm not actually as familiar with Art Bell.

[5:06] So can you expound on that?

[5:07] Art Bell has been hosting a radio show for decades now.

[5:10] He's either in Arizona or New Mexico.

[5:12] And on the show they talk about the paranormal, government conspiracies, Area 51.

[5:17] I actually think he does it from Hawaii now.

[5:19] He got remarried at one point after his family was either kidnapped or murdered, I believe.

[5:24] Whoa!

[5:25] I should make that movie.

[5:27] He's a much more interesting character.

[5:28] So he's a real life person.

[5:31] He's a radio show host who does this after hours radio show where people call in and talk about seeing Sasquatch or being kidnapped by the government.

[5:38] And he shows up in this movie, not referred to by name, and talks about stigmata.

[5:43] And the film's understanding of stigmata is faulty.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] Yeah, it's faulty.

[5:48] But first let's point out that this movie is in the grand tradition of movies where computers are used.

[5:54] In that it has no understanding of the way computers are used.

[5:57] Lindsay Lohan, I mean it has a little bit better understanding.

[6:00] Lindsay Lohan has had this unexplained bleeding.

[6:01] It has a better understanding.

[6:02] So she types in unexplained bleeding.

[6:05] And she gets articles on stigmata.

[6:06] And then she clicks on like a picture of a stigmatic.

[6:09] And this video of Art Bell.

[6:11] Pops up.

[6:11] Explaining.

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] Explaining the movie's idea of stigmata.

[6:16] Pops up.

[6:16] Like in a real internet pop-up would be I guess a porn ad.

[6:20] It has a better understanding of the internet than say the cartoon freakazoid in which you can be sucked into the internet and become a superhero.

[6:27] Right.

[6:27] Just a slightly better understanding.

[6:29] Right.

[6:30] But stigmata in this movie.

[6:31] Oh, she also has a robot hand.

[6:33] We forgot to mention that.

[6:34] We'll get to it.

[6:34] We'll circle that.

Stuart Wellington

[6:36] Believe me.

[6:37] Wow.

[6:37] A robot hand.

[6:39] Wait, she had a robot hand?

[6:41] What movie was I watching?

Dan McCoy

[6:43] This is an areligious sort of version of stigmata.

[6:46] Yes.

[6:46] She has unexplained bleeding from her hand.

[6:50] But it's not sort of, you know, it's not the wounds of Christ.

[6:55] It's the fact that her twin sister has had her hand chopped off.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Their theory of stigmata seems to be that say the holy monks who had stigmata must have had identical twins they didn't know about somewhere on earth being poked in the palm at that moment.

Dan McCoy

[7:09] So what they're saying is that...

[7:10] Possibly by a member of G.I.G.O.

[7:12] That Jesus had a twin.

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] Yes.

[7:14] And that twin is everyone who's had stigmata through the ages.

[7:18] Let me correct you right there, Dan.

[7:20] I'm not actually Christian.

[7:21] But Jesus, his stigmata was caused by a nail through the palm.

[7:24] Oh, right.

[7:26] It's the wounds of Christ who got them in a very logical way.

[7:30] He was crucified.

[7:30] I forgot the entire Easter story.

[7:32] I don't know how that's possible.

[7:33] You forgot the point of Jesus' life.

Dan McCoy

[7:36] Oh, Lindsay Lohan.

[7:38] Son of a minister.

Elliott Kalan

[7:38] I'm kind of interested that you pronounce it Lindsay Lohan and not Lindsay Lohan, as I am using it.

[7:43] I say Lohan, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:44] That's weird, Dan.

[7:45] I'm more stylish than you guys.

[7:48] Yeah, yeah.

[7:48] You are the only one wearing a button-down shirt in the room.

[7:51] Yeah, well, that was for work.

[7:53] Now, Lindsay Lohan, I thought, you know, I was a big fan circa Mean Girls.

[7:58] You know, I thought, oh, this is a, she's a talented young actress.

[8:02] She looked pretty good in that, yeah.

[8:04] And she was cute.

[8:04] She was cute back then.

[8:06] And now she's become all sort of orange.

[8:09] She's gotten very oily and greasy.

[8:10] She's gotten oily and orangey.

Elliott Kalan

[8:12] Some of that, I think, rubbed off from making out with Bruce Willis.

[8:14] But otherwise, who knows, drinking and gel.

[8:17] Whoa, whoa.

[8:18] In what kind?

[8:19] You know, she was seen with Bruce Willis in a number of nightclubs for a time.

[8:22] Really?

[8:23] Making out.

[8:23] Yeah.

[8:24] The same way, like, they had kind of a Lance Armstrong, Ashley Olsen relationship.

Dan McCoy

[8:28] Why do I find that much more alarming than Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher?

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] Because I think it's a double, because Bruce Willis, I think, is no Demi Moore.

[8:36] Let's start with that.

[8:37] Okay.

[8:38] Do you think you took her home and played a lot of harmonica to her?

[8:41] Probably.

[8:42] I have to assume that his Bruno personality made an appearance.

[8:46] And in his own way, Bruce Willis and Bruno are not too different from the Aubrey-Dakota split

[8:51] that we see here.

[8:52] The good and the bad, if you will.

[8:53] Bruce Willis.

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] Do you think her attraction was based on, I don't know, a number of viewings of Color

[8:58] of Night or Hudson Hawk.

Dan McCoy

[9:01] Yeah, she's like, I want to get a piece of that.

[9:03] Yes.

[9:04] When she was growing up as a child actress, her family had HBO.

[9:09] She was nine years old and she stumbled upon Color of Night.

[9:12] The minute she saw Bruce Willis' penis in that swimming pool.

[9:15] I want a bite.

Stuart Wellington

[9:16] I want a piece.

[9:17] That was the awakening.

[9:18] The awakening of Lindsay.

[9:19] Yep.

[9:20] It's like that scene in Labyrinth.

[9:24] You mean the whole movie Labyrinth?

[9:26] No, that scene in Labyrinth where she goes to the masquerade ball and...

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] Oh, I thought you meant every scene when David Bowie's crotch is so prominently.

[9:34] Oh, that's pretty cool too.

[9:36] That's kind of the Princess Leia bikini for girls.

[9:39] Oh.

[9:40] I never thought of it.

Dan McCoy

[9:41] That's the best analogy I've heard.

[9:43] That's pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[9:43] Oh.

[9:44] Just this moment when suddenly, as a young child, you're like, oh, it's sex!

[9:48] Genitals!

[9:49] You know.

[9:49] I don't know.

[9:49] For me, it was...

[9:50] Jumps out at you.

Stuart Wellington

[9:51] For me, it was Cheetara from Thundercats.

[9:54] That's a good point.

[9:55] There's an episode where she's naked the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[9:57] Yeah, they just didn't paint her right.

[9:58] Oh, my God.

[9:58] Yeah.

[9:59] And also, the end of Just One of the Guys was a very big...

[10:02] Oh, fuck yes.

[10:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:04] I want to watch that.

[10:05] Can we watch that after this?

[10:06] I would go with Sheena.

[10:07] I own it.

[10:08] Sheena had a long nude scene and that was always being played on HBO during the day because

[10:14] it was inexplicably rated PG despite being filled with nudity.

[10:18] And my cartoon version as yours would be Scarlet from G.I. Joe.

Stuart Wellington

[10:24] For me, it's not Scarlet, dude.

[10:26] It's fucking Baroness.

[10:27] Baroness is the hottest Russian chick in the world.

[10:30] Wait, she was Russian.

Dan McCoy

[10:31] I can't remember.

[10:32] I mean, we've gotten far afield other than the fact that there's not a large amount of

[10:36] sex in this movie, but I was puzzling over whether you would count this as an erotic

[10:40] thriller or a horror movie.

[10:41] Well, there are many stripping scenes with no stripping actually being done.

Stuart Wellington

[10:46] Like, as I was saying when we were watching the movie, I get, I don't mean to be a douchebag

[10:50] or anything, but I get really upset when I see movies with strip club scenes that are like filmed

[10:56] by people who have never clearly been in the strip club.

[10:59] Because obviously, yeah, they're not sexy or anything, but for one, the stripper should

[11:04] be getting naked.

[11:06] Yeah.

[11:06] And the waitresses should not be naked because the stripper wouldn't be getting any money

[11:11] then.

[11:11] All the guys would be like, hey, there's a naked person.

[11:13] Let's get her money instead.

Dan McCoy

[11:14] That's the thing that irritates me.

[11:16] And I hope not from like, just like a jerk guy sort of perspective.

[11:20] But I find it very strange when a big actress signs onto a role where like the role is clearly

[11:25] defined as like, all right, you're a stripper.

[11:27] And then like, all right, okay, I'll be a stripper.

[11:29] But I'll be a stripper who constantly wears a bra and panties.

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] Well, that was one of my problems with Sin City with Jessica Alba's character was that

[11:38] there's plenty of nudity in that film.

[11:40] And her character of Nancy in the Sin City comics is completely topless almost all the

[11:45] time and is a stripper.

[11:47] And she's the stripper that everyone in Sin, in Basin City is so hot for.

[11:51] And then she strips and she dances, but she's never, never takes her clothes off and does,

[11:56] isn't particularly provocative in her dancing.

Dan McCoy

[11:58] Right.

[11:59] And this isn't, I mean, this isn't necessarily like a plea for more nudity, although like

[12:03] It is.

[12:04] Yes, it is.

[12:04] All right.

[12:05] Yeah.

[12:05] I mean, I'm not asking Lindsay Lohan.

Stuart Wellington

[12:07] I'm not like expecting her to be like flashing me her butthole or something.

Elliott Kalan

[12:10] But also, the fact that there is a sex scene where she keeps her bra on in the film.

[12:14] For half of it.

[12:15] That's right.

[12:15] But she's.

[12:15] We got side boob after that.

[12:17] But she's supposed to be a bad girl and she doesn't, you know, in the same.

[12:20] Right.

Dan McCoy

[12:20] Well, my thing is like, of course, you know, it would be nice to see more naked, attractive

[12:25] people in movies.

[12:26] Like, that's part of the reason why you watch movies.

[12:28] As opposed to all these Walter Matthau movies.

[12:30] Exactly.

[12:31] Oh, the Walter Matthau softcore porn.

[12:34] It's terrible.

[12:35] But no, but if you're going to make a movie.

[12:37] It was all when King directed that one.

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] All this, you know, James Earl Jones film.

[12:41] The name of the movie that I've been seeing.

[12:42] That was the erotic couple.

[12:44] The erotic couple.

Dan McCoy

[12:46] It was a terrible, terrible film.

[12:50] Cemented my heterosexuality.

[12:51] But, no, but it's just like, if you're going to make a movie where that's like a major component

[12:56] of it, it just seems very strange.

[12:58] Yes.

[12:59] You know, you can tell, okay, there's a no nudity clause in my contract.

[13:03] Like, that's what you think when you watch the film.

Elliott Kalan

[13:05] Well, they want to create this aura of sexual perversity, but they're afraid they won't,

[13:10] they can't go that distance.

[13:12] Right.

Dan McCoy

[13:12] And all I'm thinking of is like, why aren't these patrons demanding their money back?

[13:17] And the patrons seem to be loving this show.

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] That's the thing.

[13:20] It's like a flash dance.

[13:21] They can't get enough of this show.

Stuart Wellington

[13:23] And they all seem to be like kind of old guys that are all like licking their lips creepily.

[13:28] Yeah.

[13:29] Like the mental apparition and high attention.

[13:31] Like really weirdos.

[13:32] Or like Udo Kier in any movie.

[13:36] Okay, fine.

Elliott Kalan

[13:38] So they look weirdly European too?

[13:41] In some way.

Dan McCoy

[13:42] They had kind of a seedy European.

[13:43] With bulgy eyes.

[13:44] Sure, okay.

[13:45] Well, let's not dwell on this too much because I believe that we teased a robot hand earlier

[13:50] in the show.

[13:50] Yes, and we didn't even get to the blue.

[13:52] And the audience.

[13:53] Yeah, there's two things.

[13:54] I imagine that the audience heard robot hand 15 minutes ago.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] Skipping ahead every minute to see if we're talking about a robot hand and then skipping

[14:02] ahead again.

Dan McCoy

[14:04] Yeah, it's not even really addressed that much in the movie after it happens, but the moment

[14:09] I realized that I really was enjoying the craziness of the movie is when Crab Man, the guy

[14:14] who plays Crab Man on My Name is Earl shows up as Lindsay Lohan's doctor.

[14:18] Very briefly.

[14:19] And installs a robot hand.

Elliott Kalan

[14:21] Because she's again missing a hand.

[14:23] He gives her a robot hand that attaches to her stump with a magnet.

[14:27] That's the thing.

[14:28] There's no visible support mechanism holding it to her arm.

[14:31] There's no power source.

[14:33] It's like Tesla invented this hand for her.

[14:36] And it's been kept in her eyes.

[14:37] And they give her a lifelike skin to her over it.

[14:39] And it's basically just an elbow length rubber latex glove.

[14:43] It's the worst looking prosthetic hand in the world.

[14:45] But it's a robot hand that she later uses to fight the killer in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[14:51] Yeah, I guess they figured they're like, alright, the screenwriter's like, okay, there's this

[14:54] ending of this movie where Lindsay Lohan takes on the bad guy.

[14:59] And it's just not going to be plausible that this young woman is taking on this killer unless

[15:04] I give her some sort of weapon, like a robot hand.

[15:09] Yep, that's what I usually go to.

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] I saw it the other way.

[15:11] It was the one instance in the thing where he goes, what would Chekhov do?

[15:15] You know, Chekhov wouldn't give a, you know, if you have a robot hand in the first act,

[15:19] it better crush somebody's arm in the third act.

[15:22] That's what Anton Chekhov would think about this.

[15:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:26] Anton Chekhov's I Know Who Killed Me.

[15:28] Well, the thing is that like...

Elliott Kalan

[15:30] Although Anton Chekhov's I Know Who Killed Me would be so much better than this because

[15:33] there's almost no exposition in this film at times.

[15:36] You're really puzzling your way through it.

[15:38] Whereas Chekhov's plays are nothing but exposition.

[15:41] So I wish he had been brought in to maybe doctor up the script a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[15:44] What I really liked about the robot hand is that so often in movies, specifically like

[15:48] thrillers and stuff, you're confronted with a moment where you're like, where you as a

[15:52] viewer are kind of pulled out of the movie because you're like, wait, this is like the modern

[15:57] day.

[15:57] Like people should be able to look shit up on the internet or use a cell phone.

[16:00] Why aren't they doing that?

[16:02] Well, like if she just ran around without a hand the whole time, be like, where's the

[16:05] robot hand?

[16:06] I saw three people with robot hands on the subway today.

[16:09] Where the fuck's the robot hand?

[16:10] I don't believe this for an instance.

[16:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:12] She's going to have to fight Darth Vader later without a robot hand.

[16:16] I don't believe this.

[16:19] And you mentioned the color scheme and I think that you should say a little bit about that.

[16:25] Color scheme?

[16:25] I think Elliot mentioned it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] Well, there's a heavy use of the color blue in every single frame of the film, including

[16:32] the dissolves between scenes.

[16:34] And it's almost as if the movie is trying to tell us that blue is a scary color.

[16:39] What were your guys' takes on that?

Stuart Wellington

[16:41] I think somebody watched the commentary track on The Sixth Sense and they're like, yeah,

[16:48] the color, whatever the fuck, indicates he's a ghost.

[16:52] They're like, oh my God, if we make everything blue, it'll make people realize that our movie's

[16:56] a good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[16:57] But there's blue roses, blue glass, the killer dresses in blue.

[17:02] There's just blue light everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[17:03] Every once in a while, the whole screen will just fade to blue.

Elliott Kalan

[17:07] Yeah, we'll just fade to blue and then back again.

Stuart Wellington

[17:10] All the serial killer's weaponry is made out of blue glass.

Elliott Kalan

[17:15] Apparently he has a glazier-y or a glass-blowing kit in his basement.

Stuart Wellington

[17:18] Yeah, it's not actually, I thought it was a brick oven pizza making thing, but it's actually

[17:22] a glass-blowing glass.

Elliott Kalan

[17:24] It's one of those things you have to wonder, like, who built this house that has this huge

[17:28] glass-blowing operation in the basement and how come nobody knows this?

Dan McCoy

[17:32] Well, again, we come back to the evidence dungeon.

Stuart Wellington

[17:35] And everyone knows how much I love an evidence dungeon.

Dan McCoy

[17:37] And, you know, I don't really think this is a true evidence dungeon, because there's no,

[17:41] like, information as to why he does things.

[17:43] However...

[17:44] Other than his weird collection of, like, fake limbs and shit.

[17:46] Of mannequin limbs, which was never explained.

[17:48] I think it qualifies in that it's another example of a killer in a movie having this very

[17:55] equipped basement.

[17:57] Like, it's basically, like...

[17:58] Sure.

[17:58] This, um...

[18:00] You know, the basement may have, like, dirt floors, but it also has, as you say, a big

[18:04] fire for making glass weaponry.

[18:07] And it has a bunch of prosthetic limbs hanging from the ceiling.

[18:11] Which, by the way, I don't really get...

[18:14] I guess he's been doing this a while.

[18:16] You know, cutting women's limbs off.

[18:18] But then why does he have prosthetic limbs?

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] But they also only mention one other victim.

[18:22] Right.

[18:22] So maybe he's just started out.

[18:24] I mean, my theory is that they stole it from the movie Killer's Kiss.

[18:28] But there's...

[18:28] The climax takes place in a mannequin warehouse.

[18:30] Yeah, I've never seen this movie.

[18:32] Right.

[18:32] It's not very good except the ending.

[18:33] The Killer, by the way, not giving away anything, makes two appearances in the film.

[18:38] One early on, and then at the end, when it's revealed, he's the killer.

[18:41] Right.

[18:41] And he is...

[18:42] Even though he only appears twice, if I remember it correctly, he was instantly recognizable

[18:47] as the killer.

[18:47] Well, by you, at least.

[18:48] In his first appearance.

[18:49] Well, he's a creepy guy.

[18:50] He called it.

[18:51] He's really creepy, and he has a huge blue ring.

[18:54] And it's like, alright, he looks like, you know, a loan shark, or somebody who owes

[18:59] money to a loan shark.

[19:00] Right.

Dan McCoy

[19:00] He's wearing sunglasses indoors.

[19:02] Always a fucking negative sign.

[19:04] Well, if you were going to pause the movie 20 minutes in, and you're playing, like,

[19:08] it's a parlor game, where you were just, you know, you were watching it with your friends,

[19:11] you'd all gotten together to watch, I know, it killed me.

[19:14] Say there's 10 people in the room, you know, just really enjoying the latest Lindsay Lohan

[19:18] joint, and you pause it 20 minutes in, and you say to yourself,

[19:23] okay, everyone, who's the most alarming character we've encountered thus far?

[19:28] You'd probably guess who the killer is.

Elliott Kalan

[19:30] I'd say you'd guess either him or Crazy Gardner, who disappears from the film.

[19:35] Entirely.

[19:36] There's a Gardner who makes a very blatant sexual come on to Lindsay Lohan that involves

[19:40] taking his shirt off, and then fondling a branch, I guess.

[19:43] With a scorpion tattoo on his nipple.

Dan McCoy

[19:46] Scorpion tattoo.

Elliott Kalan

[19:47] Yeah, that was a strange choice also, on the part of either the art director or the actor

[19:51] in real life, who got a scorpion tattooed on his nipple.

Dan McCoy

[19:54] But he was also fondling the branch.

[19:55] We can find out in the commentary track.

[19:56] As if he was giving the branch a handjob.

[19:59] Yeah.

[19:59] Which I don't know, it doesn't seem like the way to come along to a woman.

Stuart Wellington

[20:03] Frankly, if I'm ever in a situation where I am in the same area as Lindsay Lohan, I will

[20:09] probably do the same thing with the branch.

[20:10] I'm not going to lie.

Elliott Kalan

[20:11] But you were going to say something earlier in the interview about it.

Stuart Wellington

[20:14] I was going to say something about, the thing about the evidence dungeon, specifically this

[20:18] one, is that it makes me think like, every time I go into my apartment now, I look around

[20:23] and I'm like, okay, if some victim was in here, would they immediately think that I'm a murderer?

[20:30] Does it seem like a murderer's lair?

[20:33] Right.

[20:34] Should that mannequin be up with her face?

Dan McCoy

[20:36] They created a collage of shots taken from across the street of one woman doing various

[20:42] things.

[20:43] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:43] A lot of pictures ripped out of porno magazines of chicks spreading their vaginas with their

[20:49] eyeballs chopped out.

Elliott Kalan

[20:50] Is there release papers from an asylum with your name on it?

[20:53] That's a perfect one, like a memory?

Stuart Wellington

[20:56] Yeah.

[20:56] They totally had that in memory.

[20:59] Yeah.

[20:59] Like a signed confession note by me.

Dan McCoy

[21:03] A murder checklist.

Elliott Kalan

[21:04] Yeah, a list that's a people to kill with your name unchecked.

[21:09] Wait, you put your own name?

[21:10] I put people to kill this?

Dan McCoy

[21:12] You're like, oh, I better, like I just have to remember never to check that because I'm bound

[21:17] by this list.

[21:18] A list of potential weaknesses somewhere on there?

Elliott Kalan

[21:20] I put my own down to make stuff.

[21:21] I meant the name of the victim.

[21:23] Okay.

[21:24] List of potential weaknesses.

[21:26] Note to self, don't let victims see my back.

[21:28] It's bad.

[21:29] I might get in it.

Stuart Wellington

[21:30] Don't leave glass axes lying around where they can chop my arm off easily.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] Speaking of glass axes chopping arms off, here was a problem I had was that Lindsay Lohan.

[21:40] Wait, what problem is this?

[21:42] Lindsay Lohan.

[21:43] Okay, she's in the dungeon.

[21:44] The killer sticks his arm around the door and she has found one of his glass axes.

[21:49] He's carelessly left it on the floor, not put it away in his axe holding room.

Dan McCoy

[21:52] It seems like you would step on a glass axe and it would shatter if you did that.

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] It's made of glass.

[21:56] Even if it's maybe, let's say the web, metal enforced glass that you see in schools in their

[22:02] doors because otherwise you might break them as I did once by throwing a lock through it.

[22:06] But even if it was that kind of glass, it would be hard, I would think, to cut straight

[22:10] through a person's wrist, which Lindsay Lohan manages to do when the hand goes around the

[22:15] door.

[22:15] Keep in mind, I assume this is a human with a skeleton made of bone.

[22:19] And I've never heard of glass cutting through bone.

[22:22] But apparently a robot hands...

[22:23] We have no reason not to assume that he has bone.

[22:25] That's true.

[22:26] I have no reason to assume that he's not a magic demon or something.

[22:30] Maybe he's bone.

[22:30] Or a golem, you know.

Dan McCoy

[22:33] Yep, he's probably a golem.

[22:35] His bone may have been weakened from all the dry ice he's been applying to various women

[22:43] to cut straight through a dog.

Stuart Wellington

[22:43] Okay, that's what...

[22:44] I'm glad you brought that up, Dan, because I actually thought that was kind of cool.

[22:47] That weird, like, torture method of him, like, vice-clamping dry ice to somebody's hand

[22:53] to, like, freeze the shit out of it.

[22:55] Peeling it off.

[22:55] Yeah, that's pretty gross.

[22:56] That was kind of cool.

Dan McCoy

[22:58] Yeah, I guess.

[22:59] It's a little saw.

Stuart Wellington

[23:00] Well, I didn't go into the scene like, what cool way is he going to use to torture this

[23:06] bitch?

Elliott Kalan

[23:06] Just the fact that he didn't, like, stab her right there, for instance.

[23:09] Yeah, just that they put any thought in the way he torches or kills her.

Stuart Wellington

[23:14] I see.

[23:15] It's two against one, dude.

[23:16] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[23:17] I guess I'm wrong, then.

[23:18] That's okay.

[23:19] You're not wrong.

[23:20] Let's just say that you didn't think through it fully.

Dan McCoy

[23:22] Now, I want to talk about the ending to this movie.

[23:25] Now, I thought that this movie...

[23:27] Which ending?

Elliott Kalan

[23:28] Yeah, that's a good point.

[23:29] All right, the real...

[23:30] There's two.

[23:30] The theatrical ending, and then we'll talk about the alternate ending.

[23:33] Okay.

[23:34] Theatrical.

[23:36] Yeah, this movie was released.

[23:37] It reminds me...

[23:38] This movie was released in theaters.

[23:39] This is always what I wonder when I watch these, because I watch bad movies at home.

[23:43] The movie was released in theaters, and someone, I'm thinking at least a thousand people,

[23:48] paid anywhere from $8.50 to $11 to see this film.

[23:52] And how did they feel?

[23:53] Did they want to punch somebody?

[23:55] Did they break something on the way out?

Dan McCoy

[23:57] What's more, I think that this movie was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan's...

[24:00] Her maturation.

[24:03] Yeah, this was going to be her transitional film from your Freaky Fridays and your Confessions

[24:09] of a High School Drama Queen to, you know, adult pictures.

[24:16] Not adult pictures.

[24:17] I fucking wish that was the case.

[24:19] That will occur later down the line in her career.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] But this was her growing up film.

[24:24] Yeah.

[24:24] It was going to show that she was an adult...

[24:27] An adult actress.

[24:28] A grown up actress who could make like a suspense thriller or...

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:32] An adult thriller.

[24:33] Yeah.

[24:33] You'd say adult thriller, right?

[24:35] An erotic thriller.

[24:37] But it was...

[24:37] You had the same...

[24:39] It felt...

[24:39] Even though she was playing a high school student, it still felt like a kid playing an adult.

[24:43] Yeah.

[24:43] In the same way that, say, Kate Bosworth in Superman Returns feels like a high school student

[24:48] pretending to be...

[24:49] Right.

[24:49] Who, like, dressed...

[24:50] It feels like...

[24:51] In a high school production of Superman the movie.

[24:53] Well, Superman...

[24:53] She feels...

[24:54] It feels like it's the character from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead who can walk

[24:58] into a fashion company.

[25:00] By the way, guys...

Dan McCoy

[25:01] A children's clothing manufacturer.

[25:02] I have a favor to ask you guys.

[25:04] Don't tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

[25:06] Because she's going to be pissed.

[25:08] She already...

[25:09] If she knew who killed me, then she would...

Elliott Kalan

[25:13] But no...

[25:14] I will...

[25:14] She does say the phrase, I know who killed me at some point in the movie, which is great.

Dan McCoy

[25:17] Yeah.

[25:18] I think that every movie, by the way, should end with the title.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] Well, you had...

[25:22] See, you had an interesting suggestion for the opening of the film.

[25:24] Yeah, the suggested opening.

Stuart Wellington

[25:25] We didn't watch the alternate opening, by the way, guys.

[25:27] And I'm...

[25:28] The way I'm imagining it is that it opens, you know, it's a black...

[25:32] Blue screen.

[25:33] Okay, excellent.

[25:33] Blue screen.

Stuart Wellington

[25:33] Great.

[25:34] And you hear...

[25:34] You're thinking like...

[25:35] You hear a heartbeat on one of those, like...

[25:37] What are those things?

[25:38] Like an EKG.

[25:39] EKG.

[25:39] I thought that was the thing that Ghostbusters used.

[25:41] Ghostbusters used.

[25:42] I think they call it that also.

[25:43] Okay.

[25:44] So the EKG thing, you know, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[25:46] And then all of a sudden, like, the blue fades to her face in a hospital bed with, like,

[25:51] tubes and shit stuck in there.

[25:52] Eyes closed.

[25:53] Eyes closed to sleep, like in a coma.

[25:55] Her eyes open all of a sudden.

[25:56] She sits up.

[25:58] And she looks right at the camera and goes, I know who killed me.

[26:01] And then the words go across the screen.

[26:03] You got a guitar riff.

[26:04] Da-da-da-da-da-da.

[26:05] And then, you know, you got, like, a cool opening montage of her, like, running around

[26:08] from, like, killers.

[26:09] It's awesome.

[26:10] That's my suggestion.

[26:10] Oh, I would say just straight titles.

[26:11] Straight titles.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] Yeah, just, I know who killed me.

[26:13] Slip.

[26:14] Like, slam cut.

[26:15] Slip.

[26:15] Like, MGM's 360 Productions presents.

[26:18] Or TriStar.

[26:19] It was TriStar, dude.

[26:20] TriStar presents.

[26:21] I know who killed me.

[26:22] Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[26:25] And then, you know, the scene starts up again.

[26:27] You get, like, a Bernard Herrmann score.

[26:28] Well, yeah.

[26:29] I kind of every...

[26:30] I wish Bernard Herrmann and Saul Bass could do every title sequence for every movie.

Dan McCoy

[26:35] That would have improved this movie greatly.

Elliott Kalan

[26:38] But the movie didn't open like that.

[26:40] But the alternate ending you were talking about.

Dan McCoy

[26:41] Well, no, the original ending.

[26:44] So, Lindsay Lohan figures out that she is...

[26:47] That her mom's actual child died soon after her mom gave birth.

[26:53] And she was purchased from the crack...

[26:56] She's like a crack baby.

[26:57] Yeah.

[26:58] Purchased from some woman...

[27:01] Who had twins.

[27:02] Who had twins.

Elliott Kalan

[27:03] Oh, no.

[27:03] She was given...

[27:04] $11 was mailed to her every month, I guess, by the father.

[27:09] That was established.

[27:10] Oh!

[27:10] Why, apparently, the price for a baby is $11 a month.

[27:15] What the fuck?

[27:15] Like, no, she was purchased as a...

[27:17] As a replacement baby.

[27:18] As a replacement baby.

[27:19] Oh, and there was a great story from the mother talking to Lindsay Lohan when...

[27:23] I guess she always thought it was her biological daughter talking about how, in the womb, she

[27:28] always kicked.

[27:29] Always kicking.

[27:30] And then she says to her, you're going to kick through this problem, just like you kicked

[27:33] back then.

[27:34] And it's this amazing visual image of Lindsay Lohan literally kicking a wall down or something

[27:39] like that.

[27:39] Sure, with her bionic leg.

[27:41] With her bionic leg.

[27:41] She has a robot leg, too, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:43] But, so anyway, she discovers that she was a twin, and she realizes, okay, what's going

[27:48] on is this, my twin sister has been kidnapped, and I'm having this, like, stigmata because

[27:56] I'm experiencing what she's experiencing, and she goes to the...

[27:59] And I'm a stripper.

[28:01] Right.

[28:01] I'm a stripper, and she's a goody two-shoes.

[28:03] Right.

[28:04] So they actually were...

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] It's like Angel, that movie where she's a stripper by daddy, schoolgirl by daddy.

[28:08] Wait, no, fuck.

[28:10] I picked that one up.

[28:11] She's, wait, she's a...

[28:12] She's a schoolgirl by daddy.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] She's a prostitute by day and a prostitute by night.

[28:14] Because if she was a prostitute by day and a schoolgirl by night, that's...

[28:17] You know, like, night school.

[28:19] Yeah.

[28:19] That's totally weird.

[28:20] That's just the way strippers are.

[28:21] I mean, they're going to school by night to better themselves.

[28:23] In some ways, that's the Maggie Gyllenhaal movie, Sherry Baby, about an ex-con trying

[28:28] to better herself.

[28:29] Yeah.

[28:30] But the point is...

[28:31] Oh, which also, there's a movie, by the way, that says why there should be less nudity

[28:35] sometimes in films.

[28:36] Yeah.

[28:37] Because Sherry...

[28:37] Not sexy nudity.

[28:38] Sherry Baby is a movie that will make you, if you're a heterosexual male or a homosexual woman,

[28:43] ashamed of ever having been aroused by the sight of a naked woman.

[28:46] Right.

[28:47] What?

[28:47] And...

[28:48] The nudity in it is just so depressing, and so, like...

[28:50] What is it, like, in a prison or something?

[28:52] It's just in bad context of, like, her, like, as this down-under-luck ex-con, like, having

[28:56] sex with guys for jobs in basements, you know?

[28:59] Yeah.

[29:00] And she's all...

[29:00] Everyone's all filthy, and it's just very sad.

Dan McCoy

[29:02] And speaking as a guy who, like, really likes Maggie Gyllenhaal, and, like, thinks she's

[29:06] a good actress, and, like, thinks she's very attractive, like, it's very unpleasant.

Elliott Kalan

[29:10] I'm not sold on this.

[29:11] I'm probably gonna have to watch it.

[29:12] Yes.

[29:13] Well, rent Sherry Baby, and then try to masturbate to it, and you won't be able to.

[29:16] I bet I could.

Dan McCoy

[29:18] It's a contest.

[29:19] But anyway, so she rushes, she kills the guy, she kills the bad guy.

[29:25] Sure.

[29:25] She goes to dig up her sister.

Elliott Kalan

[29:27] With a glass, cuts his hand off with a glass knife.

[29:29] Yeah.

[29:29] Then stabs him in the crotch and the neck, which was kind of neat.

Dan McCoy

[29:32] She digs up her sister in a glass coffin, and by the way, I don't think that the movie

[29:35] ever explains the whole glass thing.

[29:37] He just likes glass and the color blue.

Elliott Kalan

[29:40] That's all you need to know.

[29:40] I guess that's it.

[29:41] But, um...

[29:42] They never even explain why he's a killer.

[29:44] He's just a crazy guy.

[29:45] Well, I like...

[29:46] They don't need to, dude.

[29:47] Yeah, yeah, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[29:47] Like, in the real world, do you think, like, I don't know,

[29:49] all the crazy killers explain why they're killers before they get killed with a glass

[29:53] knife to the neck?

Elliott Kalan

[29:54] No, but in the real world, you don't have, say, like, identical twins who are separated

[29:58] in birth who have telepathic powers, and one of them is qualified.

[30:01] Dude, that shit's on the internet.

[30:02] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[30:03] Art Bell did do that movie about it on the internet, yeah.

[30:07] But the point, maybe the reason why everything's blue is because Aubrey is looking through

[30:12] her blue-glassed coffin.

[30:14] Oh!

Elliott Kalan

[30:16] I still don't explain whether her boyfriend gives her blue roses.

[30:19] Or there's a blue...

[30:20] It doesn't explain it at all.

[30:21] There's an owl.

[30:22] Has blue balls for most of the movie.

[30:24] Yeah, I have to assume.

[30:25] Go!

Dan McCoy

[30:26] I...

[30:26] We got to the end of the movie, and I was like, okay, what's going on here?

[30:29] I know what's going on.

[30:30] I know who killed me.

[30:31] What's happening is that none of this is real.

[30:35] This is, like, Aubrey's fantasy as she lies dying.

[30:39] This is her...

[30:40] It's gonna be one of these twists where, like, oh, this is her mind's way of dealing

[30:42] with the pain.

[30:43] And she's gonna invent this sister who's gonna save her, and all this stuff.

[30:48] And part of the reason I thought this is that there were inexplicably a bunch of owls

[30:51] throughout the movie.

[30:52] And I thought, oh, okay, it's an occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge.

[30:56] This is their, like, the movie's clumsy attempt at a literary reference.

[30:59] But then we find out that, worse than that, the real alternate ending of the movie is...

[31:05] Actual ending.

Elliott Kalan

[31:06] Which test audiences did not like.

[31:07] So it was the original ending.

Dan McCoy

[31:09] Right, the original ending was, we discover at the end that this is all a story that Aubrey

[31:14] has been writing, because we see that she's a writer.

[31:16] And at the end, she types the end of it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:19] And it ends, and it doesn't even have her, it ends, it's a long shot of her typing.

[31:23] And you see the closet door behind her swing open by itself, and you're like, oh, and the

[31:28] killer jumps out and kills her while she's finishing the story.

[31:31] No, I guess there's just wind in the room.

Stuart Wellington

[31:33] I like to think that's her alternate identity, Dakota Moss, leaving, traveling through

[31:38] the, uh, the other.

Elliott Kalan

[31:39] I don't know, it's bullshit.

[31:40] But there's just this look on her face like, huh, that was a good story.

Dan McCoy

[31:44] This is what it was like, according to Wikipedia, Wikipedia says, oh, this alternate ending

[31:48] was cut because test audiences found it too predictable, rather than, this alternate ending

[31:54] was cut because test audiences thought it was a big fuck you.

[31:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:58] Well, yeah, okay.

[31:59] Before we go quite into the fuck you of it, I'm gonna do something that I did when we

[32:04] were watching Saw 3, and that's, I'm gonna play the role of Aubrey Fleming.

[32:08] Okay.

[32:08] I'm trapped in this glass coffin.

Dan McCoy

[32:10] Which I think you could do better than Lindsay Lohan.

Stuart Wellington

[32:12] Uh, I appreciate that, Elliot.

[32:13] Now, okay, I imagine, like, okay, I'm getting into character.

[32:16] My hand's been chopped off.

[32:17] My foot's been chopped off.

[32:18] I'm in a weird glass coffin with a weird, like, 19th century milkmaid's dress on with

[32:22] a fucking veil over my face.

[32:23] I've been buried alive.

[32:24] Oh, shit, I'm gonna die.

[32:25] Weird.

[32:26] Oh, man, I'm running out of air.

[32:28] Oh, wait, is that light I see?

[32:29] Like, moonlight?

[32:30] Oh, somebody's, you know, digging me out of my coffin.

[32:33] Oh, my God, the thing's open.

[32:34] Somebody let me out with their robot hand.

[32:37] Who is it?

[32:38] Oh, my God, it's my fucking twin.

[32:39] Like, somebody looks exactly like me?

[32:41] That's my twin?

[32:42] How am I gonna respond?

[32:44] I'm gonna smile quietly and allow her to help me out and then snuggle up to me and that's

[32:50] the end of the fucking movie.

Elliott Kalan

[32:51] I would say, because they're telepathic links, she has been writing the story of Dakota Moss

[32:57] as part of her English thing, so maybe she thought her, like, it was a, like, the Twilight

[33:03] Zone episode where the guy can write something and it comes to life and he creates his own,

[33:07] turns out his wife was in a figment.

[33:10] Like, she goes, oh, my character came to life and saved me, you know, or something.

[33:13] Or maybe she, you know, she's lost a lot of oxygen, maybe she thinks she's just dreaming.

Dan McCoy

[33:16] You're saying that she thinks it's like that edition of Amazing Stories where they draw

[33:24] the cartoon reel on the plane.

Elliott Kalan

[33:28] But, yeah, that's true.

[33:30] It was strange that she was saved by someone who looks exactly like her and her reaction wasn't,

[33:35] huh?

[33:36] Instead it was...

[33:37] Like it was spit-tank.

[33:39] Excuse me while I drink this so I can...

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] Give me some of his milk, it looks good on camera.

Elliott Kalan

[33:45] Instead her reaction was, oh, yeah, thank you.

[33:48] It's good to see you.

Stuart Wellington

[33:49] Like, oh, I love myself.

[33:50] Myself saved me.

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] But there seems to be this understanding that she had a connection and knew Dakota existed.

[33:56] I didn't have that understanding.

[33:57] You know, I mean I have this understanding now talking to you about it.

[33:59] Sure.

[34:00] At the time I was like, this is a shitty movie.

[34:02] That was the understanding I had.

Dan McCoy

[34:04] Alright, well, we're having so much fun that this is going to end up being one of the longest

[34:08] podcasts ever, so I'm just going to encourage us to move on.

Elliott Kalan

[34:13] No, Dan, let's keep going.

[34:14] I think we can get this podcast going all night.

Stuart Wellington

[34:15] Let's talk about fuck you endings.

[34:17] What a fucking bullshit ending.

[34:19] Well, actually, I do want to talk about that a little bit.

[34:21] Okay, let's talk about that, Dan.

[34:23] What are your thoughts?

Dan McCoy

[34:24] Really, if it had ended with the original ending where it's just something that she wrote,

[34:31] I can't imagine anything more frustrating than that.

[34:33] Yes.

[34:34] Being like, okay, this fictional character also wrote a work of fiction, but you had no

[34:41] way of knowing that this was a second layer of fiction at any point, so anything could

[34:45] happen and nothing that happened made any difference.

Elliott Kalan

[34:48] It was more of a fuck you ending than if it turned out it was all a dream.

Dan McCoy

[34:52] Or John Cusack's head.

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] Or we were saying, while we were watching it, like the film Identity, in which it turns

[34:58] out everything is happening inside John Cusack's head, because he's crazy.

[35:02] Although, actually, John Cusack is one of the personalities.

[35:04] He's not the, Afro plays the crazy guy.

Dan McCoy

[35:06] What's that dude with that fucking wonky eye, right?

Elliott Kalan

[35:08] Yeah, yeah, he's all bald.

[35:09] Pruitt Taylor Vince.

[35:11] Thank you, IMTV.

[35:13] But he, that, like, all these characters are just personalities fighting it out in his head.

[35:18] That's kind of a fuck you twist and it's really stupid, but it's much smarter than this would

[35:24] be if it was like, oh, remember the person we invented?

[35:27] Well, they wrote the story you watched and it never happened.

[35:31] And that's why there's so many holes.

Stuart Wellington

[35:33] Yeah, got an A. She got an A, if it matters.

Elliott Kalan

[35:36] It'd be great, actually, it'd be great if it paused on her face and it said, Aubrey Fleming

[35:41] received an A-plus for the paper.

[35:43] She went on to Yale University, or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[35:45] It's just like the ending of fucking Unbreakable.

[35:47] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[35:48] She's now the famous thriller author, Aubrey Fleming.

Dan McCoy

[35:52] Well, it's like one of the things...

[35:53] You may remember her from such books as I Know Who Killed Me.

[35:56] The person who killed me is you.

[35:57] And I still...

[35:58] Who killed me?

[35:59] I still know who killed me.

Stuart Wellington

[36:00] She later went on to write cool, sexy novels under the name of Dakota Moss.

[36:04] Jum, jum, jum.

Elliott Kalan

[36:05] But it's almost like the ending would have been like her mother walking up to her and being

[36:09] like, oh, Aubrey, you finished your book?

[36:11] Mom, call me by my pen name.

[36:13] Mary Higgins Clark.

[36:14] Like, one of those things where the twist is that she was a famous person as a child.

[36:19] You know, that would have been a more fulfilling ending.

[36:22] Instead of now.

[36:24] Pretty great, actually.

Dan McCoy

[36:25] Lives of the pulp novelists.

[36:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:28] And then what?

[36:29] Her mom's like, who's going to play the actress in your movie?

[36:32] And she's like, Ashley Judd.

[36:33] And Morgan Freeman's going to play Dad.

[36:35] It's going to be great.

[36:36] The next scene is her on the set of Kiss the Girl.

Elliott Kalan

[36:39] Although that's actually a James Patterson book, I think.

[36:41] That's where it falls apart.

[36:43] That's where our story falls apart.

[36:45] Oh.

[36:46] It is, man.

[36:47] The audiences don't actually give a shit.

Dan McCoy

[36:48] James Patterson, who actually looks a lot like Art Bell, when it comes down to it.

[36:52] It comes full circle.

[36:53] Speaking of which, time to close up the circle that is this segment of the show with our final

[37:00] judgments on I Know Who Killed Me.

[37:03] And as always, the categories are, is this a movie that you would not recommend to anyone?

[37:09] A movie that you thought was enjoyable because it was bad?

[37:13] A funny movie?

[37:15] Or is this a movie that you actually kind of liked?

Elliott Kalan

[37:19] So, Elliot, why don't you go first?

[37:21] I would say that this is a bad movie that I would not recommend.

[37:24] Yeah.

[37:25] It's kind of a mess.

[37:26] And it's almost like, even to make fun of a movie, you kind of have to have some understanding

[37:30] of what's going on.

[37:31] And it takes so long to figure out what's happening in this movie.

[37:34] There's so many characters who appear and then disappear.

[37:36] The FBI agents who are looking into the crime.

[37:39] The Gardner.

[37:39] You know, like, the actual killer who disappears into the last scene of the movie.

[37:43] You know?

[37:43] It's, like, coming from someone who saw Southland Tales last week, this is a mess of a movie

[37:48] that doesn't come together.

[37:50] So I would say don't recommend it.

[37:51] Although I had fun watching it, but I wouldn't recommend it.

[37:54] Yeah?

Stuart Wellington

[37:56] Yeah.

[37:57] I'm going to have to say that this movie totally sucked and nobody should ever have to see it.

[38:02] There's not nearly enough nudity to make this movie worthwhile.

[38:05] Although, the fact that a killer runs around with fucking blue glass weaponry actually makes

[38:11] it kind of interesting.

Dan McCoy

[38:13] I'm actually surprised because I think that this movie is a good, bad movie.

[38:19] Like, it is so weird.

[38:20] Wait, is this a one, two, or three?

[38:21] Which one is this?

[38:22] This is a number two.

[38:23] Okay.

[38:24] Yeah, it's a number two, alright.

[38:25] Woo!

[38:27] Piece of shit.

[38:30] Anyway, you were saying Mr. Clay.

[38:32] The most childish joke in a long stream of childish jokes in the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[38:37] If I had ended it with a fart noise, then it would be the most childish joke.

Dan McCoy

[38:41] No, because it's like, it really, like,

[38:43] it is so strange.

[38:45] It's like a junior version of, like, Blue Velvet or something.

[38:51] It is like someone saw a bunch of David Lynch movies and was like, I'm going to make one with

[38:56] Lindsay Lohan.

[38:57] And it's going to be kind of like a Lindsay Lohan movie.

Stuart Wellington

[38:59] But it's also going to have the weird-ass, disjointed quality of a Lynch film.

Dan McCoy

[39:07] I mean, not good like a Lynch film.

[39:09] But if seeing a sort of junior varsity David Lynch movie with Lindsay Lohan sounds amusing to you, I would say go watch this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] It almost feels like a bad Dario Argento movie at times.

[39:20] Yeah.

[39:20] Like, very bold colors and the plot makes no sense.

Stuart Wellington

[39:24] So, like, a normal Dario Argento movie.

Elliott Kalan

[39:25] Yeah, so like, all of the Dario Argento movies.

Dan McCoy

[39:27] If it was a Dario Argento movie, I would not be recommending it to anyone.

[39:30] I find his popularity inexplicable.

Elliott Kalan

[39:33] But this was one of those confusing, poorly explained movies that if it was in French or Italian, I feel like people would be like, oh, this is an intriguing enigma of a film.

[39:42] When really it's just bad screenwriting all the way through.

[39:44] Look at all that blue.

[39:45] Yeah, exactly.

[39:46] This blue is astounding.

[39:47] Ooh, it's so bold.

[39:48] The colors are rich.

[39:50] Rich colors.

Dan McCoy

[39:52] That's all we like in movies.

[39:54] Oh, the colors.

[39:56] I'm not sure anything.

Elliott Kalan

[39:58] Characters appear and leave as if in some sort of phantasmagoric dream.

[40:02] A stream of consciousness thriller.

[40:04] You know, that kind of thing.

[40:05] But it's just bad.

[40:06] It was in another language that might have been hidden.

Dan McCoy

[40:08] Might have saved it, yeah.

[40:09] Yeah.

[40:09] All right.

[40:10] So, two total non-recommendations and one qualified bad movie recommendation.

[40:16] So, let's move on to actual recommendations to prove that we're not bastards who can find no joy in life at all.

[40:23] Are there any movies that we want to recommend to people?

[40:26] Are you going to raise your hands, maybe?

[40:28] Should we all recommend one?

[40:29] I don't know if anyone is.

[40:30] That's probably the best.

Elliott Kalan

[40:31] Okay.

[40:32] Yeah.

[40:32] I went first last time, so I probably shouldn't go first.

[40:34] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[40:34] I'll actually take...

[40:35] I'm going to take the bull by the horns because I actually think I have a recommendation.

[40:39] Actually, it's only a kind of recommendation, but it was pretty good.

[40:41] I saw Murder Party recently, which I think is filmed in New York or Brooklyn or something.

[40:47] Not a lot of movies are filmed in New York or Brooklyn, so that's kind of a rare thing.

[40:50] Don't be an asshole, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[40:51] It's possible.

[40:52] One of the least movie set cities in the world.

[40:55] So, anyway.

[40:56] I was talking.

[40:59] No, do you want to finish my segment?

[41:01] No.

Stuart Wellington

[41:02] Sorry.

[41:02] Basically, it's about a guy who happens to...

[41:05] You know, he manages to find this Halloween party invitation, and he's this totally lonely

[41:10] guy.

[41:11] So, and he has nothing to do on Halloween, so he ends up going to this party, and it turns

[41:14] out to be a party thrown by a bunch of art students who invited random people to this

[41:20] party so that they can murder them and turn them into, like, an art piece.

[41:23] So, it's kind of like a weird, like, I don't know, slasher movie meets The Breakfast Club

[41:27] or something.

[41:28] And if anything, it's worth watching because of this awesome cardboard knight costume this

[41:33] guy makes that's really hilarious and cool.

[41:36] So, Murder Party, it's at least worth watching.

[41:39] It's pretty gory.

Dan McCoy

[41:40] I'll recommend...

[41:41] I saw The Bedroom Window, which is one of Curtis Hanson's earliest directorial...

[41:48] One of his earliest films as a director.

[41:51] He also wrote it, I think it's an adaptation of a book, I'm not sure about that, but I'm

[41:56] going to go out on a limb here and say it might be the best Steve Guttenberg film.

[42:02] I know there's a lot of competition for that title.

Stuart Wellington

[42:04] You know what I'm going to argue?

[42:06] What's that?

Dan McCoy

[42:07] Don't Tell Her It's Me?

[42:08] Yeah.

[42:08] A.K.A. Boyfriend School?

Stuart Wellington

[42:10] Yeah, that movie rocks.

[42:11] Oh, I was going to say Zeus and Roxanne.

[42:14] It proved a dog could love a sea.

Dan McCoy

[42:15] I'm sorry, but Zeus and Roxanne doesn't have Steve Guttenberg pretending to be a New

[42:21] Zealand Lothario.

[42:23] Lobo Marengo?

[42:26] With Shelley Long, too.

[42:28] And Dan Janamek and Kyle MacLachlan.

[42:30] And Jamie Gertz.

[42:31] That is a pretty good movie.

[42:33] That is a...

[42:34] If...

[42:35] Fuck it.

[42:36] If someone wants to see a bad movie that they'll have a bunt on watching, go out and watch Don't

[42:42] Tell Her It's Me.

[42:43] But if you want to see a movie that's actually kind of good that stars Steve Guttenberg.

[42:49] Maybe in 1981 when they thought that Steve Guttenberg and Isabel Huppert would be a believable

[42:54] pair.

[42:56] It's a movie about a guy having an affair with his boss's wife.

[43:01] And they just had sex.

[43:05] And Steve Guttenberg's out of the room.

[43:07] And the woman hears another woman being assaulted downstairs.

[43:12] Elizabeth McGovern is getting attacked.

[43:16] And the killer gets frightened away.

[43:18] But he's witnessed by Isabel Huppert.

[43:22] But because they're having an affair, she doesn't want to come forward and point finger at the

[43:26] actual killer.

[43:28] So Steve Guttenberg's character says, no, it's alright.

[43:30] I will pretend to be the eyewitness.

[43:33] I will take your information and I'll take it to the police.

[43:36] And predictably, everything goes wrong in a very Hitchcockian thriller fashion.

[43:42] And, you know, for a movie, again, starring Steve Guttenberg, a nice forgotten thriller of

[43:48] the early 80s.

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] I don't know when I'll be back.

[43:51] So if I can make two quick recommendations.

[43:54] These are both for older movies.

[43:56] One is the Japanese horror film Goke Blob from Hell.

[44:00] Which I don't know if anyone's seen.

[44:01] But it's about a plane crashes.

[44:03] And it turns out that there's an alien blob that is taking over people's bodies and turning

[44:08] them into vampire type things.

[44:10] And it has possibly the bleakest ending that I may have ever seen in a movie.

[44:16] And there are some great scenes where people's heads crack open and the blob crawls out.

[44:21] But it's pretty good.

[44:22] And the other one is a classier movie from the 30s.

[44:27] I'm a Fugitive from a Chain Gang with Paul Muni.

[44:29] Which I watched recently for the first time.

[44:31] And which is a really gritty, like, kind of tense, frightening movie at times.

[44:37] And there's a scene where he, when he escapes from the chain gang and becomes the titular

[44:41] fugitive.

[44:42] It's a genuinely, like, super tense scene where he's running away from these guards.

[44:46] And you're like, hurry up!

[44:47] They're gonna catch you!

[44:48] Like, what are you doing?

[44:49] That kind of a scene.

[44:51] Yeah.

[44:52] It does, the plot does hinge on him making possibly the dumbest choice that a character

[44:55] could ever make, though.

[44:57] Uh, which is to, uh, I'll give it away after here.

[44:59] To trust the, I guess, I think Georgia, Georgia penal system that they'll keep their word and

[45:05] let him out after 90 days if he returns to the chain gang.

[45:07] Which, of course, once he does, they refuse to do.

[45:10] Right.

Dan McCoy

[45:11] That's a pretty great movie.

[45:12] It's pretty good.

[45:13] So, everyone, everyone being the two of you, and me.

[45:17] Sure.

[45:18] We had a good time tonight.

[45:19] We had some laughs.

Stuart Wellington

[45:20] Ugh, but everything needs to come to an end.

Dan McCoy

[45:23] We don't really know what movie we're gonna do next, I guess.

[45:27] Or when it's gonna come out, because I think that this is gonna come out and then there's

[45:30] gonna be the holidays.

[45:31] Oh, yeah.

[45:32] So, a special holiday edition.

[45:34] Well, there's maybe a little delay.

[45:36] Maybe the new year before there's a new episode.

[45:39] I mean, there probably will be the new year before there's a new episode, but there may

[45:41] only be one in January.

[45:43] I'm not sure how that's gonna work out.

[45:44] However, I want to remind everyone, as always, that the website is theflophousepodcast.blogspot.com

[45:52] and the email address is theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

[45:58] So, if you want to check out show notes or write us a review, which helps us get new listeners,

[46:03] or just write us, that's how you do it.

[46:06] Pretty nerdy.

[46:07] Sounds like good shit.

[46:09] So, I guess we can sign on.

Stuart Wellington

[46:11] Yeah, so you gotta go do your Flophouse podcast, because if not, I think it's a porno site,

[46:14] right?

[46:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:15] If you just do theflophouse.blogspot.com, it's like this weird half-blog, half-like, I'm

Elliott Kalan

[46:21] gonna direct you to porno site.

[46:23] It sounds like such a disappointing name for a porno site.

[46:25] Yeah.

[46:26] It's like, the most flaccidest porn on the web, the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[46:30] The drunkest girls you can imagine, lying on dirty cots.

Elliott Kalan

[46:34] These guys just can't get it up.

Dan McCoy

[46:36] The Flophouse.

[46:38] No.

[46:38] Well, that was our original slogan.

Stuart Wellington

[46:41] So.

[46:42] As always, we're sort of petering out with a whimper.

[46:46] So.

[46:47] Woo!

[46:48] I suppose we should sign off, huh?

[46:50] Yeah.

[46:50] I wanna see that UA Bowl movie really bad.

[46:53] Alright, well we may see that UA Bowl movie.

[46:55] We can do a special in theaters edition.

[46:59] Flophouse in the aisles.

[47:00] Because I think it's showing up in theaters.

[47:01] Oh!

Dan McCoy

[47:02] Alright.

Stuart Wellington

[47:04] Oh!

[47:04] Check out this one with the big ideas.

[47:06] Yeah, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[47:07] I guess I'll put the extra money into actually seeing a bad movie in the theater.

Stuart Wellington

[47:11] Dude, I'll even buy the tickets.

[47:13] Oh!

[47:13] Because I don't wanna see that shit.

[47:14] Daddy Warbucks.

Dan McCoy

[47:16] Alright, well.

[47:17] In that case, maybe we'll talk about that next time.

[47:20] And I'll sign off.

[47:22] My name's Dan McCoy.

[47:23] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[47:24] Elliot Kalin.

[47:26] Goodnight.

Stuart Wellington

[47:28] Bye.

[47:29] Okay, cool.

[47:31] They're gone, right?

[47:32] Okay, good.

[47:33] I fucking hated those guys.

[47:35] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] Dan, every time I look at this potholder, I think it's a piece of monster.

[47:42] That's just your, uh...

[47:43] That's just my Jewish instincts coming out.

Stuart Wellington

[47:46] That's weird.

[47:46] I don't know why you're a piece of monster.

[47:48] I think it's a...

[47:48] Eeeh!

Dan McCoy

[47:50] Pothold.

[47:51] Yeah, I was, uh...

[47:52] Whatever that is.

[47:54] I was playing with my friend Frank last night and he got, like, a free menorah.

[47:57] Yeah, I don't...

[47:58] I dodged one of those.

[48:00] I was like, man, the Jews are on point.

[48:04] It's this holiday season.

[48:06] I don't get, like, free advent calendars being handed out to me.

[48:12] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode 8 - I Know Who Killed Me

Transcript

In this episode

Description