The Flop House: Episode #15 - D-Wars: Dragon Wars

[0:00] This week on the Flophouse, we discuss the two most exciting words in the English language.

[0:06] Dragon Wars.

[0:30] Welcome to the Flophouse tonight. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Willington. And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:38] I apologize in advance if I sneeze or sniff or just sound miserable tonight. I have allergies

[0:45] of some kind. Poor guy. Not funny, just true. Maybe you're allergic to dragons. I could be

[0:52] allergic to dragons, but why would that strike me right now, Elliot? Well, it could be because

[0:56] we just watched D-War Dragon Wars, the hit Korean-U.S. co-venture. Yeah. And when I think

[1:04] of dragons, the first name that pops into my mind is Robert Forster. Yes. And the second name is

[1:10] Daryl from The Office. Huh. Well, it's a good thing that both of those actors were in this movie.

[1:16] The third name is some Korean guy who also likes dragons. Who wrote and directed the film. Yeah.

[1:23] Well, Dragon Wars, it seems like a pretty simple concept. I don't think there would

[1:26] be any trouble setting that and turning it into a movie. This is where you would be wrong.

[1:30] Really? The concept of Dragon Wars is surprisingly complex and intricate. How so? Well,

[1:37] it all begins with an ancient Korean legend. You see, there's an ancient Korean legend that,

[1:44] what's it called? Nirogi? Emoji. I don't know. I told you that you would have to explain this

[1:49] part of the screenplay because I completely... The backstory to Dragon Wars is exciting and

[1:55] dull. It's told to us in a triple flashback structure. We see a flashback, which becomes

[1:59] another flashback, which at one point becomes another flashback. But anyway, it turns out 500

[2:04] years ago, in the year 1507, because the movie was released in 2007, there was a girl born with

[2:11] a dragon birthmark on her shoulder. And for some reason, that dragon birthmark gives her the power

[2:17] to turn one of two dragons, Imugi or Baraka, into... Actually, serpents. I've fallen asleep

[2:25] already. I have fallen asleep. She can turn one of these serpents into a dragon, and the power

[2:30] of that dragon is undefined. But apparently, it's pretty powerful because it could, quote,

[2:34] wipe out the entire village, which is not that big a deal. But anyway, in the year 1507,

[2:42] there's an old man. He trains a young guy to be a warrior to protect this girl. An army of,

[2:46] I assume, demons. They seem to be just Cylons or suits of armor or something like that.

[2:50] Yeah. What are they called?

[2:53] I forgot. Atrox army?

[2:54] Yeah, the Atrox. Yeah, something like that.

[2:56] It's an army of people and dinosaurs and dragons.

[3:00] Might as well be orcs. I mean, because it's all very Lord of the Rings.

[3:06] And they try to capture this woman. They fail. Flash forward 500 years to 2007.

[3:13] Handsome reporter Chris McCool Guy, I don't remember his name, and his sassy black buddy

[3:19] have to save the reincarnation of this girl. Now, let's make it clear, though. When you say

[3:24] flash forward, you mean that figuratively. Because actually, the structure of the film is

[3:28] there's the newsman, the television reporter. Chris McCool Guy.

[3:33] Who discovers there's some sort of, like, dragon bones or something.

[3:38] It's a giant scale. And they never really explain why that scale is there.

[3:41] That was weird.

[3:42] The movie opens at a crime scene where some unknown crime has been committed and there's

[3:48] a giant dragon scale. Chris McCool Guy sees it. And then he remembers, as a kid,

[3:54] being left alone by his father with Robert Forster, Jack of Jack's Antiques,

[3:59] who tells him in flashback the story of how they are the reincarnations of these Korean heroes.

[4:05] Yeah. Who, in a flashback,

[4:07] see the good serpent, Emogi. Robert Forster, specifically,

[4:11] when he's in the past, is basically the, like, the sage kung fu master character from Kill Bill

[4:18] Volume 2, I would say. I'd just like to point out, though, that the kid is left alone by Robert,

[4:25] like, with his dad, Robert Forster. The kid's dad is trying to sell Robert Forster,

[4:30] antique shop owner Robert Forster, some ancient dagger.

[4:33] Whose antique shop is basically a warehouse of what I have to assume are stolen works of art.

[4:37] Yeah, there's like a sarcophagus in there. There's a golden Buddha statue.

[4:42] It's a pretty fancy antique shop. And all that shit later on, like,

[4:45] the bad guy, he's kind of like, like, a weird mixture of Terrence Stamp and Bill Murray and

[4:52] Steve Martin and Darth Vader and Dr. Doom. Yeah, there's another armored shredder.

[4:57] And he tends to get hit by cars a lot. There's a scene.

[5:01] One beautiful scene. Where he gets hit by a car.

[5:04] Then there's a fight scene. Like, he's not, he's okay, because he's a bad guy.

[5:08] And they go out and they fight with him for a while. And then he gets hit by another car.

[5:12] And that knocks him down. Yeah.

[5:14] This is a movie, before we get any further, know this, know this, ye audience.

[5:18] This is a movie in which many cars flip over or swerve around things, sometimes for no reason.

[5:23] The dragon, at one point, the evil serpent, Baraki, chases them through a garage of a hospital.

[5:29] They run out onto the street. He comes out and roars at something off screen.

[5:33] And then we just see a van tip end over end across the screen past him,

[5:37] which I guess swerved to miss him off camera. Yeah, it's a great movie.

[5:42] But I bet they did a couple of takes for that one.

[5:46] The computer generated van to go across the street.

[5:48] Yeah. But that's the backstory.

[5:50] So there's this reincarnated girl, 19 years old. She's about to turn 20,

[5:54] which is the magic age when she gets her dragon power.

[5:57] Chris McCool, his sassy friend in the FBI.

[6:00] And Chris McCool, I guess, believes Robert Forrester implicitly,

[6:03] even though Robert Forrester has faked a heart attack so he can be alone with this young boy.

[6:09] And the first thing he tells him is like, oh, by the way, you're a chosen one

[6:14] and you're going to fight dragons. And he gives him a magic amulet.

[6:17] Yeah. Well, which he kept for the many intervening years.

[6:20] Yep. Those never losing faith.

[6:23] He's going to have to fight a weirdly phallic dragon.

[6:25] So what you're saying is this movie is basically just a creation of his mind.

[6:30] It's a coping mechanism while he's being molested by Robert Forrester.

[6:34] I think that is correct.

[6:35] I have to believe that's the alternate ending on the DVD.

[6:38] It's a subtext.

[6:40] The thing is that this the entire movie is basically a number of weird scenes of exposition.

[6:47] They're linked together by our main characters being chased by dragons around the town.

[6:52] And then occasionally you'll just have long sequences where it's the army fighting dragons.

[6:55] Yeah. Because like the first fucking 45 minutes of the movie is

[6:59] scenes of the fucking main characters sitting around talking like,

[7:02] man, we've got to get away from these fucking dragons.

[7:04] And then a dragon shows up and they run away for a while.

[7:06] And apparently they lose the fucking giant snake dragon.

[7:10] The giant snake dragon who's rampage across L.A.

[7:13] gets very little attention the first couple of days.

[7:15] Yeah. A couple of days at least.

[7:17] It's not on the news as far as we can tell.

[7:20] This is because the fucking reporter is too busy running away from the goddamn dragon.

[7:24] One reporter in L.A. is the story is not getting out.

[7:26] Yeah. But you figure that, you know, several buildings get destroyed by a giant dragon.

[7:31] Where do we get around?

[7:32] Just sort of like the Internet or something.

[7:34] Yeah. CNN, you know, person to person.

[7:36] If you know what happened the other day, my house got knocked down by a dragon.

[7:40] Yeah. But shit, that's weird.

[7:42] After like this person would be like, like, hey, did you hear like everybody's

[7:47] turned into dragons and houses are exploding?

[7:49] That doesn't seem right.

[7:50] You know, that kind of thing.

[7:51] Yeah, exactly.

[7:52] No, trust me, my friends, friends, hairdressers, uncles.

[7:56] He saw it.

[7:57] So there's also this is also but this is a world.

[7:59] Let's remember this world where a word about the dragon that's

[8:02] destroying buildings and killing people doesn't get out very quickly.

[8:05] Sure.

[8:05] It's also a world where a man is put in a straight jacket, a zookeeper,

[8:10] a kindly fat slob zookeeper we first see falling asleep while eating pizza,

[8:14] witnesses the serpent, the evil serpent eating some elephants.

[8:18] He reports this to the police as he should,

[8:20] and he's immediately put in a straight jacket and confined.

[8:23] Yeah, like right away.

[8:25] You know, he's not violent.

[8:27] He's just talking about a big snake, but straight jacket.

[8:30] I mean, unless what we didn't see was a cut scene where,

[8:34] you know, it's his dream to be an escape artist.

[8:36] And he was just happening or he was practicing the police or something.

[8:39] Yeah, sure.

[8:41] But he has a long history of like mental illness.

[8:45] Possibly he was molested as a child or something by Robert Forrester.

[8:48] I think that should maybe be our second and last

[8:52] reference to molestation in this in this podcast.

[8:55] I was going to try and fit like maybe maybe a surprise third at some point.

[8:59] Look for it, audience.

[9:00] But let's get to let's cut to the chase.

[9:02] Sure.

[9:02] Like the movie didn't.

[9:03] Does this film skimp on the dragon warring?

[9:06] I'd have to say no on that account.

[9:08] There is a lot of dragon warring.

[9:11] Almost too much.

[9:12] Yeah, I would go so far as to say too much.

[9:14] I mean, I made the point, you know, there's like a

[9:17] there's a long scene of the dragons tearing up.

[9:20] I guess that's Los Angeles that they're fighting.

[9:22] You didn't recognize it?

[9:24] I don't.

[9:24] You didn't recognize the two square blocks of L.A.

[9:26] that the entire movie took place in over and over again?

[9:29] I'm just I just found it hard to believe that it actually was Los Angeles,

[9:33] knowing that it was a Korean film.

[9:35] Like, I thought that maybe there would be doubling some Korean city

[9:37] for Los Angeles or they shot it in Toronto or something like that.

[9:41] So, yeah.

[9:42] All right.

[9:42] The dragons are tearing up Los Angeles and that's pretty exciting

[9:45] because you don't you don't see that every day.

[9:47] Dragons taking down Los Angeles.

[9:49] But then the big climactic fight,

[9:51] they're all transported into some sort of eerie nether world.

[9:54] That's sort of like a hellish limbo and two dragons fight each other.

[10:00] and that's not as excited now it's not

[10:01] now yeah that's when you would expect to see very well you're saying is

[10:05] is that it's not a good

[10:07] using is with that when it comes to a more subtle context yeah i like a fish

[10:10] out of water dragon war

[10:12] you know that's the thing like when you see dragons fighting in a wasteland

[10:16] frankly look like it was just like somebody was some does find a really

[10:20] cool looking video game yeah

[10:22] does it look like a video game like fighting game level where you like all

[10:25] of the crazy thing in the background i did that move where he grabbed all the

[10:28] dragon with his mouth

[10:30] yeah

[10:31] blacks or was that a snapshot of the senate about the mouth you shouldn't

[10:35] consider that there were actually dragon wars in the movie dragon wars ok i

[10:39] apologize i want to go into this i was worried it would turn out to be a movie

[10:42] where it was about

[10:44] again a troubled child who creates dragon wars imagination to escape from

[10:47] say shattered home like sort of a never ending story never ending story uh...

[10:51] godzilla's revenge kind of thing bridge to terabithia you know

[10:55] that knows about fun and dragons running around and helicopter shooting

[10:58] there were those dragons it is a great job to redact those

[11:02] yeah like a lot of the things that were advertised as dragons

[11:06] i mean i say those guys were dragons was the big brother of the ones that get

[11:09] flooded with a lot of those people is that as a rule of the big fat one of the

[11:13] ones that were riding a bulldozer

[11:15] yeah all goes with the flying ones those were dragons

[11:19] but what the big fat slug things with the guns on their back i would say those

[11:22] are not dragons

[11:23] yeah those

[11:24] those are just rejected uh... moss eisley background uh... monsters from

[11:29] the retooled star wars

[11:31] yeah they look like dewbacks you said that right? yeah well i didn't want to admit that i called them dewbacks

[11:36] i made a number of star wars references during that

[11:39] i think any listener to this podcast assumes that you know the

[11:42] full name for a full disclosure you should make sure that you

[11:45] the uh... two-legged dinosaurs that were being ridden you repeatedly referred to

[11:49] as tauntauns that's true but everyone knows what tauntauns are right

[11:52] listeners

[11:55] nice giggle

[11:57] so the weird thing is that uh... five hundred years later

[12:01] uh... when this entire army is created out of uh... like dust or ink or some shit

[12:06] they were all coming out of scrolls yeah they all came out of scrolls uh...

[12:10] an inspiring tale of the written word

[12:12] and it's real power

[12:13] so these dinosaurs

[12:15] dragon things i don't know had uh... giant like missile launchers on their back

[12:20] those missile launchers blew up literally every single possible like tank

[12:24] that the united states army could throw at them so their arm and bullets had no

[12:28] effect on any of the soldiers five hundred years ago they had the same

[12:32] missile launchers like who was inventing this shit

[12:35] dragons

[12:36] magicians

[12:38] there was a magician

[12:39] there was one magician with his weird like like

[12:43] saber some sort of light saber sword that didn't work for other people and

[12:47] a shield that blocked bullets yeah there was a lot of those flying around

[12:50] they were aiming at the shield

[12:51] yeah that was

[12:52] it was pretty big

[12:54] what it is is because these dragons pop up every five hundred years

[12:58] they have to make sure that their technology is far enough ahead to deal with whatever

[13:02] i wonder what the dragon does during that time is it like brigadoon does he just sleep for five

[13:06] hundred years

[13:07] or is he hanging out in that wasteland or i think it's like i think it's like a

[13:11] time jump like for him it's just the next second

[13:15] yeah i think that's probably fair but then how long has this been going on

[13:18] because say we saw the first time we see it happening is in fifteen oh seven

[13:21] i have to assume it happened in ten oh seven five oh seven

[13:25] oh seven

[13:26] and then

[13:27] or just seven i guess well the original dragon fighter was actually a stegosaurus

[13:30] yeah that's what i was going to say if you go back far enough it's just dinosaurs

[13:34] and that's not very exciting

[13:36] that's why that wasn't the movie dude

[13:39] i don't know dinosaurs fighting dragons i would like that as a movie

[13:43] that would sound like a movie that i would have written when i was ten

[13:47] especially if they're talking dinosaurs only if there's cowboys running on their backs

[13:51] firing laser guns that would be so awesome

[13:53] yeah and one of them has like a robot that learns how to love

[13:56] yep and another has uh...

[13:58] that reminds me and the dinosaurs wear hawaiian shirts and wear

[14:02] sneakers that the toes bust out now it's just denver the last dinosaur or actually

[14:06] theodore rex i guess now it's just the folder that i had when i was in third grade

[14:10] that showed a dinosaur with sunglasses on surfing

[14:13] yeah it's a cool dinosaur it was so cool

[14:16] you may wonder why we're not talking that much about the characters in this movie

[14:20] and that's because uh... there was nothing memorable about any of them other than

[14:24] that they were all played

[14:26] by

[14:27] character actors that you would recognize

[14:29] from several uh... american movies or television shows

[14:34] and they're all uh... faces they're all you know people that you would know

[14:39] but uh... i mean clearly

[14:41] this is their uh... version of doing a japanese commercial say

[14:45] yeah the biggest star in the movie is robert forster

[14:47] yeah that says something for you

[14:49] well he knows a thing or two about dealing with giant reptiles though so

[14:53] that's true yeah i mean i was i was a big fan of the casting like i like it when i

[14:56] watch a movie and the whole time i'm like oh hey that guy i didn't know he was

[15:00] frightened of dragons like

[15:03] it's a new aspect to it yeah it really is not his imdb bio

[15:07] it really like

[15:08] snares me

[15:09] i can't wait for the episode of the office when he's like by the way i hate

[15:12] dragons wink!

[15:13] winks at the camera

[15:15] here's a little animated sparkle in his eye

[15:20] speaking of animated alright this is off-tropic do you guys watch thirty rock

[15:24] uh... in the office have you noticed the animated ads for movies in theaters now

[15:28] that run across the bottom of the screen

[15:30] that is irritating and i said this would be the best mode to express my irritation with that

[15:34] the middle of a podcast about dragon wars

[15:37] thanks andy rooney

[15:39] you morph into andy rooney a la robert forrester in this film

[15:44] every time they need saving from something

[15:47] uh... some random stranger comes up and saves them

[15:50] and then after they leave

[15:52] the camera will linger on that random stranger for a little bit and we'll see

[15:55] him morph into robert forrester him or her

[15:58] and you gotta wonder why it couldn't have just been robert forrester showing up

[16:02] yeah the thing is guys what you don't understand is that that wasn't special

[16:06] effects that was robert forrester acting really well

[16:10] it was the skill section of his resume

[16:14] yeah so uh... you were talking earlier about the exposition and how it

[16:19] kind of jumps around

[16:21] how early on you don't know if you're coming or going

[16:23] i really respect that about a movie that really doesn't like underestimate its

[16:26] audience like that doesn't underestimate is one way to put it another way to put it is as i

[16:30] think i said when i was watching it it felt like we started at chapter four

[16:34] yeah you know it's like you jump right in the middle like

[16:36] it's very much like if uh... like five eleven-year-olds had to come up with a

[16:40] movie and we're still writing it

[16:42] midway through as they were shooting it

[16:44] that's right that's true and there's something kind of endearing about that

[16:48] as if they decided you know i don't want to write a movie about feudal korea

[16:53] i want to write a movie about dragons

[16:57] well that's the thing this was very much and i know this because i read about it a little bit

[17:01] uh... not to prepare for this podcast but just when dragon wars was coming out

[17:04] because you said holy shit there's a movie about dragons and i have to learn more about this

[17:09] uh... this was a movie that

[17:10] i guess the studio that made it was

[17:12] korean with i guess american backers

[17:15] and this was

[17:16] a bid by korea

[17:19] by the korean film industry to kind of

[17:21] get a bigger foothold in the american

[17:23] film goers mind mission accomplished which is why it was shot in english

[17:27] mostly in los angeles with american actors

[17:30] and i guess old boy who was not blazing the path that they were hoping to make

[17:35] in uh... in the american mind

[17:37] so they've took out dragon wars

[17:39] and uh... i don't think it was such a successful mission

[17:43] the rest is history

[17:45] i do believe it is the like highest grossing korean film in korea

[17:49] but then it was not a successful export well that's because they love robert

[17:53] forster

[17:54] he can make anything in korea

[17:57] he's like george clooney

[18:00] in korea

[18:01] uh... the careers but it's it was interesting though because it's

[18:04] korea has been bridges to get the story about south korea now is all is that

[18:08] that you read the event is that there's this explosion of new film talent

[18:11] and like they're all these movies come out of korea these kind of harder edge

[18:14] things

[18:15] uh... and then

[18:17] they're like no no no we can make dragon wars two don't worry sure we can

[18:20] make our version of rain of fire

[18:22] my complaint about this movie

[18:24] my main complaint

[18:26] is that uh... although they're going to have one yeah this one

[18:30] although they did end up being a lot of dragon warring

[18:34] i thought of the dragon warring was very uh... lopsided

[18:38] like the last forty minutes was just dragons fighting and then the rest of it

[18:43] was exposition and people running away and when i hear when i heard dragon wars

[18:47] right here the title dragon wars

[18:50] awesome

[18:51] all right like i saw the trailer i'm like

[18:54] okay this is this movie is entirely about a bunch of dragons wake up in

[18:58] modern-day los angeles

[18:59] and the u.s. has to fight them off and it's kind of i mean like i guess it's like

[19:03] godzilla you expected strategy

[19:05] like day two we lost some ground to the dragons we're going to make it up on day three

[19:10] though uh... they're at my flank pincer movement pincer movement

[19:13] did it

[19:15] here's a picture of my girlfriend back home but i just wrote a book

[19:19] don't die on me you gotta stay alive for your girlfriend

[19:22] that kind of thing

[19:23] yeah

[19:25] and then ernie pile walks away it really was inspired by the story of g.i.

[19:29] dinosaur dragon fighter

[19:33] yes what are we fighting for man

[19:35] why is america even involved with these dragons no dragon ever called me and so forth

[19:40] and then there was a guy's last name dragon fighter

[19:44] yeah i think so

[19:46] all right men when you're on leave

[19:48] remember if you're going to fuck a dragon wear a dragon condom

[19:52] you don't understand humans and dragons can live together

[19:56] shut up dragon lover you know things like that

[19:58] loose lips speak dragon

[20:00] or bring our boys back from the dragon or that's the uh...

[20:04] my fellow americans

[20:07] all right

[20:08] i've got a little bit of a good thing that anybody here is uh... i did not want

[20:13] to do it without a good anybody here's the son of a pencil on paper it's

[20:16] because of her finishing my screenplay areas

[20:20] or just like a disaster movie right now it has decided across europe

[20:24] well cano

[20:25] yet you didn't expect so much mystical korean nonsense yes this is what it

[20:29] comes down to it

[20:30] and and again i expected more reaction from the populace cuz unless a dragon is

[20:35] being shot out right in front of their eyes

[20:38] they don't know this is what people are pretty complacent the people in this

[20:41] movie a much like horses

[20:43] or if they don't or parents if they don't see it doesn't exist you know

[20:47] you gotta feel like the dragons on a blanket over all of l a everyone would

[20:50] have fallen asleep so i think it was night

[20:52] for all the talk about what terrible this is it is terrible

[20:55] i cannot lie to you i was so excited to see dragons fighting

[20:58] helicopter gunships

[21:00] there's like that insurer and you know dragons flippin cars over like this and

[21:04] although we're talking earlier about how uh...

[21:07] uh... children of paradise the uh... carne film

[21:10] is on my uh...

[21:11] is on the table at all and i'm looking forward to watching it

[21:14] and in the middle of seduced in a band in the uh... other movie by

[21:17] when it was a game in divorce italian style

[21:19] but classic uh... uncanny asked films actually party i was watching pretty

[21:24] fair rocketing around recommended that a while ago

[21:27] but i had to tell you watching dragons fighting helicopter gunships isn't the

[21:31] funnest thing in the world

[21:34] we've got

[21:35] some uh... extra stuff to deal with uh...

[21:38] i promise you guys a surprise before the podcast started but i'm right

[21:41] so i want to keep it moving along prize each of you has one day to live

[21:45] here

[21:46] i've poisoned the chinese that you are

[21:49] uh... the results of the blood test you guys are actually brothers you guys have

[21:53] to be made out last night

[21:56] i don't know if you guys have to keep your adrenaline pumping or else your

[22:00] heart will explode now we have a hong kong cocktail

[22:04] they gave you the hong kong cocktail

[22:07] i don't want to talk to you know i don't know where the famous hug

[22:11] use of the cover story about it cosmo right

[22:14] people who don't know what cranky is our baffled at this point in the book i

[22:17] think people i think the people is that this has a problem probably a passing

[22:21] frankenstein cocktail the uh... now

[22:24] not that i'm not a side track this conversation back to dragon wars

[22:28] but if i if i if i i have one small complaint about this movie is that this

[22:32] movie is literally filled with reaction shots of people like

[22:36] like a dragon going by and somebody's eyes going wide like cars flipping over

[22:40] et cetera et cetera

[22:42] and then like dinosaurs attacking people in feudal korea and their pants falling

[22:46] down like that sort of thing the guy's pants didn't actually fall down

[22:49] uh... that i i i don't want to wrap them by his

[22:52] is his

[22:53] pant ass though

[22:54] same thing

[22:55] so but there isn't a single

[22:58] uh... like reaction like nude scene like a dragon knocking over a wall and a girl's

[23:02] like taking a shower

[23:04] or like a dragon runs by really fast and a girl's blouse falls down and it makes

[23:10] like a zip sound effect like there's nothing like that so you would rather

[23:13] this be zapped wars

[23:16] uh...

[23:17] uh... yes

[23:18] frankly if that meant that it started scott bale

[23:22] i think you have your script bikini dragon wars yeah that's the thing the great

[23:25] bikini dragon war

[23:26] they inherit adventure what happens is they inherit a couple of dragons

[23:30] and the dragons are about to go out of business

[23:33] there's only one way we're going to be able to keep these dragons afloat girls

[23:38] the big evil developer wants to bring in his own non-sexy dragons gonna tear down

[23:42] these dragons

[23:45] uh... and how come those bikini movies it's never the government wants to build

[23:49] a highway using eminent domain like and the bikini girls are obviously on the

[23:53] wrong side of this debate this town needs this highway to get business in

[23:57] but movies always side with the bikini girls

[23:59] just just like in life do you think those girls are roadblocks to progress

[24:04] struggling town

[24:06] but they're so topless

[24:08] uh... before we move on i do want to say one thing that i think was a

[24:13] not addressed when we're talking about the fat zookeeper which is while he's

[24:18] being

[24:19] uh... you know because there's so many nuances to that portrayal there's his being

[24:23] asleep there's his most half-eaten pizza

[24:27] when he's talking to the psychiatrist there's this one point where she's

[24:30] like uh... just say that there's no uh... giant snakes and we'll let you go

[24:35] or something like that and he's like

[24:37] okay i realize that there are no giant snakes i don't want to get thrown in the

[24:41] thing i'm gonna

[24:42] i'm just gonna fake it and she's like fine you can go

[24:45] and then they do the thing where the dragon comes up in the window behind

[24:49] behind her

[24:50] yeah and it's and he's like look look it's right there behind you and she turns around and it's not there

[24:55] and it's such a like a

[24:56] an abbott and costello meet uh... frankenstein moment yeah

[25:01] uh... and i just you know

[25:03] that joke never gets old it never does that's what i'm saying timeless

[25:08] that's exactly you didn't misconstrue his message at all

[25:12] well that's a little more of the spirit

[25:14] that i was looking for in dragon wars you wanted more of the lackiness so you wanted

[25:18] more of the like

[25:19] drunk guy sees a dragon

[25:20] says never again and throws the bottle over his shoulder exactly rubbed his eyes a couple of times

[25:26] jane your cat is eating your computer i think

[25:29] almost

[25:30] it is made of dragon in the movie i saw recently

[25:34] uh... stardust

[25:36] the dragon in the movie stardust

[25:38] not like the dragon in the movie i saw recently new york new york starring robert

[25:42] de niro and liza minnelli

[25:45] the dragon was figurative

[25:47] not like the dragon in the movie i saw the other day garden of the fitzi kontinis

[25:51] fuck off

[25:54] now you're just making up words

[25:58] i must come off as such a pretentious asshole in these videos

[26:01] i like to think that that's your part and to play in the jigsaw puzzle that is

[26:05] the flop house though

[26:07] okay you promised me a fucking thing

[26:09] first let's just quickly the final judgment on on dragon wars is it a movie

[26:15] that uh... you thought

[26:17] you don't like at all a movie that you thought was a good bad movie or a movie that you

[26:20] kind of liked a little bit so

[26:22] what do you say elliott well i mean i believe i've mentioned this i'm kind of on

[26:25] the halfway point between good bad movie and

[26:28] movie i liked a lot as hard as it is for me to admit it because

[26:31] i mean in there are many bad movie things about that are funny day

[26:35] massive stupid exposition and things that happen for no reason in the building

[26:39] hit by two cars in a row

[26:41] at the time the other hand

[26:42] i can't lie i'd genuinely enjoyed watching helicopters fighting

[26:46] dragons

[26:47] you want to go on this is that uh...

[26:50] i think that ultimately it's a very

[26:51] dole movie really for being ninety minutes along because there is so much

[26:55] exposition

[26:56] and a little too much dragon fighting

[26:58] however

[26:59] if you do watch it

[27:01] uh... i think you will enjoy it if you start an hour and

[27:05] and finish

[27:06] before it's before the end exactly

[27:08] and then you'll just get a like a solid uh... dragon war

[27:12] just like a taste

[27:14] yeah

[27:15] i think this is one of those movies i could have watched uh... if my dvd player had a

[27:19] shuffle function and just like randomly bounced around i think that would have been ideal

[27:23] i'm going to go with the middle ground as well

[27:25] i still i gotta admit i was disappointed

[27:28] i don't know what i was quite expecting and this wasn't quite it but

[27:32] it wasn't bad enough for me to hate

[27:35] all right

[27:36] that's mixed

[27:37] uh... well before i get on to a surprise i do want to make an announcement that i

[27:41] forgot

[27:42] this is called building suspense the audience

[27:46] is on the edge of their

[27:48] you know their subway

[27:49] seats

[27:50] if they're like commuters listening to us or uh...

[27:54] i don't know i don't know where else people listen to the podcast

[27:57] they're on the edge of the bed if they're listening to us to help them fall asleep at night

[28:04] because they're trolley drivers

[28:06] anyway uh... i do want to say before

[28:09] i move on

[28:10] an announcement i did want to make at the beginning of the podcast

[28:13] uh... this is our first may podcast

[28:16] that means may sweeps

[28:19] which applies to podcasts apparently

[28:21] it does and we're recording this on may day so get out there communists you know

[28:27] i just wanted to let everyone know

[28:29] that uh...

[28:30] we're doing this podcast completely nude

[28:32] for may sweeps

[28:34] so uh...

[28:35] put that image in your brain and smoke it

[28:38] you are wearing a hat and stewart has argyle socks on

[28:41] and an artificial penis

[28:43] strapped on next to my actual penis

[28:45] so uh...

[28:46] stay tuned for other uh... may sweeps stunts but i do want to say

[28:50] the big surprise is

[28:52] the return of listener mail

[28:55] yeah i think it is a nice surprise i think you're going to like this

[29:00] i think you're going to like this piece of mail

[29:02] it's from a a courtney last name withheld

[29:06] that's actually her last name

[29:09] is it a her? it could be a dude

[29:11] well it probably was

[29:13] last name vishal

[29:15] and when she came to ellis island her family in ellis island changed it to last name vishal

[29:19] but the subject line is american idolizer i think i am in love with you

[29:23] oh nice

[29:25] written to

[29:26] elliot i'm sure i don't think so i think it might be to you

[29:29] actually i know i am

[29:31] you guys seriously rock i realize the other week that i must have somehow

[29:34] subscribed to your podcast at the beginning of your reign my mistake

[29:39] and i feel a better person for it

[29:41] thanks for making random hours of my weeks better

[29:43] i only wish there were more podcasts to listen to

[29:46] i've had to resort to listening to your podcast multiple times

[29:49] plus

[29:50] i have fallen hopelessly in love

[29:52] with stewart wellington

[29:54] so please pass the word on to him that there's some girl on the west coast in

[29:57] love with him

[29:59] courtney

[30:00] well my god

[30:03] uh... don't know how to respond to that he's not that you quit your job you go

[30:06] to the west coast

[30:07] okay west coast i was not on everyone's door you know everyone's door in

[30:12] california or in the washington state hurt me or possibly western canada and

[30:16] sort of a uh... romantic comedy version of

[30:18] the terminator

[30:22] i got lost or with a nice bouquet of flowers which was a little bit of a

[30:26] little bit

[30:27] my hair will get messier

[30:30] well i just wanted to open this up for discussion and to

[30:34] on a little thing called flop house conversation corner

[30:38] to put it out there

[30:39] what do we think it is

[30:41] that has made this girl specifically fall in love

[30:45] uh... with stewart

[30:46] well he's got a beautiful voice he does have a low low voice

[30:50] uh... very white-esque also i think he's unafraid to uh...

[30:54] put his horniness on display there's a raw sensuality there yes

[30:57] and uh...

[30:58] the same way that women are attracted to uh... the wolf

[31:01] from uh... tex avery's droopy cartoons

[31:04] i'm going to take your word for that

[31:08] i'll take your word for that one but um...

[31:10] it's you know it's like it's like he's invading her brain through her ear hole

[31:15] well that's

[31:17] horrible it's uh... it's like a weird like hot like like mister hyde

[31:22] like uh... magnetism i think it's like you're like uh... shannon tweed in one

[31:26] of those movies where she's a look at the radio sex therapist only you're like

[31:30] the the male version of angela davies in the

[31:33] hit tv show best sex ever where she is also sure

[31:37] i like the shannon tweed reference a little better

[31:39] yeah it's classic

[31:41] it's classic classic softcore porn your actress doesn't have the oovra that uh...

[31:46] shannon tweed does or jones severance

[31:49] you know the black scorpion

[31:52] i think it's a pretty exciting email though do you have any words

[31:55] uh... hey thanks uh...

[31:58] i don't know much else uh... he's a charmer

[32:02] well well done me strong silent type

[32:04] yeah i don't know what else to say

[32:07] i'm not drunk enough right now

[32:09] well that listener mail segment went out with a whimper

[32:12] a little bit but like a puppy love whimper

[32:16] i was sweet yet i was very well i should have been shouting more

[32:20] it had a nice quiet ending like spider-man three

[32:27] so it's a it's a technically accurate reference

[32:30] i want to talk about movies recommend as i've been thinking about since the last

[32:33] time i didn't have anything to talk about sending your magic come on

[32:36] so uh... months okay uh... absent there upon us a flop house viewers uh... this

[32:41] is the time of the podcast when we kind of

[32:43] you know we go away from city town or wherever we were and we don't talk about

[32:47] movies that we actually like

[32:49] uh... and right now i want to talk about a little movie that i watched recently

[32:52] called nightmare man

[32:54] that uh... is directed by uh... the guy director movie i really like the guy

[32:58] named ralph ralph

[33:00] can ask you something

[33:02] a ralph dahl yes he's yes ralph dahl uh...

[33:05] and uh... he directed another horror movie called the hazing that was really

[33:08] good with uh... brad dorff you know the guy who does the voice of chuckie

[33:13] and uh...

[33:14] this uh... this movie nightmare man was one of the uh... after dark

[33:18] for those of you know i i didn't see any of those

[33:21] uh... well

[33:22] they're usually not very good and this one i think a shot video to video which

[33:26] is always a bad sign and some of the actions not very good however there's a

[33:30] totally weird twist about uh... two-thirds of the way through the movie

[33:33] uh... i think there's some nudity and it's got

[33:37] and i got an actress

[33:38] so check it off check it off your checklist as you go along

[33:40] this is the raw sensuality we were talking about earlier

[33:44] and there's a crossbow and a demon and yeah it's totally worth watching

[33:50] i love that these are the elements you picked up on

[33:51] oh shit my phone's ringing it must be the nightmare man

[33:55] one of the elements was crossbow

[33:57] it might be one of uh... stewart's many paramours or admirers

[34:03] was it her what did she say

[34:05] uh... she said that

[34:08] uh... she doesn't like me anymore

[34:10] oh it's terrible

[34:11] yeah courtney last name withheld

[34:14] you're so fickle

[34:15] ficklest woman

[34:16] took away her support so nightmare man it's uh... pretty good

[34:20] if you like horror movies like me

[34:23] well um...

[34:25] i actually haven't seen a lot of movies

[34:27] and uh...

[34:29] a lot of the movies i did see recently like there's something wrong with them

[34:32] or like uh...

[34:34] well they weren't like

[34:36] you said like they turned out to be television shows or one was actually a dog

[34:42] one of them actually shot jelly instead of water

[34:46] and uh... one had square wheels

[34:49] it's a weird uh...

[34:50] a weird uh... misfit toys joke

[34:53] anyway

[34:54] uh... well no like angel heart i saw angel heart and like for two-thirds of the movie i'm like

[34:59] this is great

[35:00] and then uh... angel heart curse i call it

[35:03] and then at the end

[35:04] a fat man

[35:05] comes in and explains all of the crazy twist

[35:09] in a long exposition scene that doesn't make any sense

[35:12] and then he gets killed by boiling in a pot of gumbo

[35:16] and that's when the movie fell apart for me

[35:18] but uh...

[35:21] but i'm two-thirds of the way through Escape from Alcatraz

[35:26] uh... directed by Don Siegel

[35:28] a uh... you know an excellent pulp film director who you know did the first

[35:32] Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Dirty Harry

[35:34] you know

[35:35] i can't speak to the whole film as i'm two-thirds of the way through it but i'm

[35:38] really enjoying it

[35:40] and uh... you know i got it because i went to Alcatraz when um...

[35:43] i was in san francisco and it's really interesting

[35:46] to actually see a movie where

[35:48] because Alcatraz was shut down and then turned into a national park

[35:51] like everything looks exactly the same

[35:54] in the movie

[35:55] as it did when i visited it rather than you know usually if you see

[35:58] a location in person it's changed so much since that movie was made

[36:02] hey isn't uh...

[36:03] isn't Alcatraz called The Rock?

[36:05] it is called The Rock

[36:06] you may be familiar with it from the film The Rock

[36:08] yeah yeah yeah i saw that movie

[36:11] Nicolas Cage is pretty good in that one

[36:14] uh...

[36:16] ladies love it

[36:18] this segment is falling apart before your very ears

[36:22] uh... i have not

[36:24] i mean i've seen some things recently i thought were okay

[36:26] recently trying to think back there any movies i saw recently that i really

[36:29] liked a lot

[36:31] saw Torn Curtain which i hadn't seen before that's okay

[36:34] uh... so i recommend a movie that

[36:36] i didn't watch recently but i just recommended to somebody else and they

[36:39] enjoyed it

[36:40] which is uh... Cat Bailu

[36:42] or Cat Bailu at Alcatraz

[36:44] starring Jane Fonda and Lee Marvin

[36:46] which is a western comedy

[36:49] that is narrated through song by Stubby K and Nat King Cole

[36:52] and

[36:54] it's a lot of it's like a huge amount of fun it's a movie that Lee Marvin won

[36:58] best supporting actor for

[37:00] uh... he plays a dual role of a drunken gunfighter

[37:03] and an evil gunfighter

[37:05] with a metal nose

[37:06] and

[37:07] it's all about this girl whose father is a uh... rancher who gets killed and she

[37:11] becomes an outlaw to revenge him but it's

[37:14] very funny but there are also some touching scenes

[37:16] and like touching like heart warming not touching like

[37:20] like Robert Forrester

[37:25] it's just a lot of fun it's a very good movie in the way that

[37:28] it's like it's a good western in the way they don't make them anymore a good

[37:31] comedy in the way they don't make them anymore and a good

[37:34] fun movie in the way they don't make them anymore

[37:36] and a good western comedy in the way that

[37:38] is rarely ever done well

[37:40] Cat Bailu

[37:41] yeah even even Mr. Wellington likes it

[37:44] I think I watched it originally because I thought there might be nudity in it

[37:48] I was like thirteen

[37:49] it's a movie from like nineteen sixty six

[37:51] well I don't know it was on

[37:53] there was a VHS tape

[37:55] the word cat was in the uh... title which suggested a certain uh...

[37:59] oh I was disappointed

[38:02] but there's also it's also nice to see Jane Fonda when she still has certain

[38:05] innocence about her

[38:06] before she became this kind of weird

[38:08] half political half crazy

[38:13] all dragon that was the original tagline for dragon wars half political half crazy

[38:18] all dragon

[38:19] it wasn't

[38:20] uh... you're never home alone when you're a twin

[38:24] yeah I was going to say this is uh... this is going to be our shortest

[38:27] flop house yet so if you have anything

[38:30] you want to say before we go about uh...

[38:33] Stewart's love life or

[38:35] Stewart wants to say anything about uh... twin sitters

[38:38] this is the time

[38:40] yeah I really want to see the movie twin sitters so if uh... you have a VHS copy

[38:44] of the barbarian brothers action comedy

[38:47] uh... you should mail it to uh... one three four five fake street in

[38:53] any town USA brooklyn new york

[38:56] wait

[38:57] any town USA in Brooklyn, New York?

[38:59] yeah I live in a theme park

[39:03] is that ok? it's a neighborhood

[39:06] it's a neighborhood in the borough of brooklyn

[39:08] it makes it sound like you go home and you're like

[39:10] time to go to work and you put on a sash that says mayor and a top hat

[39:14] and carry around a pair of giant scissors

[39:17] another

[39:19] fucking ribbon cutting

[39:21] christ why are they opening so many new businesses in any town

[39:25] there's so much urban revitalization in this part of the city

[39:30] uh... god damn it another fucking cookie factory

[39:34] why

[39:35] the two big industries there are ribbons and scissors

[39:40] another

[39:41] novelty scissor creation factory

[39:45] uh... if i could uh... introduce

[39:47] i don't know if this goes against anything to put this on the floor but uh...

[39:50] i think the

[39:51] listener letter segment was such a hit that uh... if any listeners at home have

[39:56] any questions or interesting ideas to put forward to the Flophouse crew

[40:00] if you'd like to see addressed in a future episode

[40:02] let us know

[40:03] yeah or if you read dragon wars want to share your thoughts on it

[40:06] and do it in written form

[40:08] i think all those things are uh... or start up your own suggestions rival podcast

[40:11] no don't do that

[40:12] call it the mop house

[40:15] today we use swippers

[40:17] what do you guys think about them?

[40:21] it takes up a lot of dust

[40:22] it's not really a rival podcast so it seems like an entirely different niche

[40:28] while we were sweeping let's keep on topic here sweeping

[40:33] we attached dragon wars to the end of our mop

[40:36] didn't seem to do very well in our cleaning test

[40:40] ruined a lot of discs

[40:43] it did really well in our having dragons in it test though

[40:48] uh... no that's good yeah

[40:51] speaking of which uh...

[40:53] if you want to get in touch with us

[40:55] like courtney last name withheld

[40:57] you can write us at the flop house podcast at gmail dot com

[41:01] and also if you go to

[41:03] uh... the flop house podcast dot blogspot dot com

[41:07] uh... you get a link to now we are on face book or if you're just on face book

[41:11] and you search for groups

[41:13] the flop house group

[41:15] you can join the uh... flop house group and you can do discussions there

[41:18] very easily and do all your uh... web

[41:20] two point oh interacting like

[41:22] kids do you get your one-stop-flop shop

[41:24] stop show up and get a one-stop-flop stop

[41:28] house

[41:29] and mop house everyone next week we're talking about swifters

[41:37] classic yarn mops versus polyester mops

[41:40] which picks up better

[41:42] well anyway

[41:44] on that note of complete gibberish we have a letter here at the mop house i

[41:47] have a hardwood flooring in my apartment and i

[41:50] her problem with cat

[41:54] an older listener

[41:56] for the last time the mop house is not a podcast for people who want to make a

[42:00] house out of mops

[42:02] that's because we have several mops

[42:04] podcast

[42:07] uh... that's that's good

[42:08] uh... dragon wars was a movie we watched uh...

[42:14] wait you should do the sign-off

[42:16] uh... i'll do it

[42:17] as if i were you ok

[42:19] peace out

[42:20] dudes

[42:22] uh... wait we're also supposed to say our names though right

[42:25] uh... but that's pretty good

[42:27] the one with the low sultry voice is stewart wellington

[42:30] the guy who's talking right now is dan mccoy

[42:32] and i'm chris mccool

[42:33] goodnight

[42:36] yeah

[42:39] oh man this podcast was the silliest i think we've had in a while

[42:44] well we did watch a movie called dragon wars

[42:49] let's not talk about it until we get bored which is right now

[42:52] actually

[42:54] we should keep it shorter than usual because i have a surprise for you guys

[42:58] a surprise

[42:59] fuck off

[43:00] i hope each of us gets a key and we have to find out what it goes to

[43:04] yup

[43:05] i hope that we each get part of a sandwich and we have to decide how to

[43:09] make that sandwich using teamwork

[43:11] but it's one piece of bread and another piece of bread and a piece of cheese

[43:15] uh... that would be pretty easy yeah it's not a great challenge

[43:18] alright

The Flop House: Episode #15 - D-Wars: Dragon Wars

Transcript

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