The Flop House: Episode #15 - D-Wars: Dragon Wars

Dan McCoy

[0:00] This week on The Flophouse, we discuss the two most exciting words in the English language.

[0:06] Dragon Wars.

[0:30] Welcome to The Flophouse tonight. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] I'm Stuart Willington.

[0:37] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:38] I apologize in advance if I sneeze or sniff or just sound miserable tonight. I have allergies of some kind.

[0:47] Yeah.

[0:48] Poor guy.

[0:48] Not funny, just true.

[0:50] Maybe you're allergic to dragons.

[0:51] It could be allergic to dragons, but why would that strike me right now, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] Well, it could be because we just watched D-War Dragon Wars, the hit Korean-U.S. co-venture.

Dan McCoy

[1:02] Yeah. And when I think of dragons, the first name that pops into my mind is Robert Forster.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08] Yes. And the second name is Daryl from The Office.

Dan McCoy

[1:12] Huh. Well, it's a good thing that both of those actors were in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15] The third name is some Korean guy who also likes dragons.

Dan McCoy

[1:21] Who wrote and directed the film.

[1:22] Yeah. Well, Dragon Wars, it seems like a pretty simple concept.

[1:25] I don't think there would be any trouble setting that and turning it into a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28] This is where you would be wrong.

[1:30] Really?

[1:31] The concept of Dragon Wars is surprisingly complex and intricate.

[1:36] How so?

[1:37] Well, it all begins with an ancient Korean legend.

[1:41] You see, there's an ancient Korean legend that, what's it called, Nirogi?

[1:46] Emoji.

[1:47] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] I told you that you would have to explain this part of the screenplay because I completely

[1:52] zone down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52] The backstory to Dragon Wars is exciting and dull.

[1:55] It's told to us in a triple flashback structure.

[1:58] We see a flashback, which becomes another flashback, which at one point becomes another flashback.

[2:03] But anyway, it turns out 500 years ago, in the year 1507, because the movie was released

[2:07] in 2007, there was a girl born with a dragon birthmark on her shoulder.

[2:13] And for some reason, that dragon birthmark gives her the power to turn one of two dragons,

[2:19] Emoji or Baraka into, who are actually serpents.

Dan McCoy

[2:24] I've fallen asleep already.

[2:25] I have fallen asleep.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] She can turn one of these serpents into a dragon.

[2:29] And the power of that dragon is undefined.

[2:32] But apparently it's pretty powerful because it could, quote, wipe out the entire village.

[2:37] Which is not that big a deal.

[2:39] But anyway, in the year 1507, there's an old man.

[2:43] He trains a young guy to be a warrior to protect this girl.

[2:45] An army of, I assume, demons.

[2:47] They seem to be just Cylons or suits of armor or something like that.

[2:51] What are they called?

Stuart Wellington

[2:53] I forgot.

[2:54] Aatrox army?

[2:55] Yeah, something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[2:56] It's an army of people and dinosaurs and dragons.

Dan McCoy

[3:00] It might as well be orcs.

[3:02] Because it's all very Peter Jackson computer-generated armies.

Elliott Kalan

[3:07] And they try to capture this woman.

[3:09] They fail.

[3:10] Flash forward 500 years to 2007.

[3:13] Handsome reporter Chris McCool guy, I don't remember his name,

[3:17] and his sassy black buddy have to save the reincarnation of this girl.

Dan McCoy

[3:22] Now let's make it clear, though.

[3:23] When you say flash forward, you mean that figuratively.

[3:25] Because actually the structure of the film is there's the newsman, the television reporter.

[3:32] Chris McCool guy.

[3:33] Who discovers there's some sort of dragon bones or something.

[3:38] It's a giant scale.

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] And they never really explain why that scale is there.

[3:42] That was weird.

[3:42] The movie opens at a crime scene where some unknown crime has been committed

[3:47] and there's a giant dragon scale.

[3:49] Chris McCool guy sees it and he remembers as a kid

[3:54] being left alone by his father with Robert Forster, Jack of Jack's Antiques,

[3:58] who tells him in flashback the story of how they are the reincarnations of these Korean heroes.

[4:05] Yeah.

[4:05] Who in a flashback see the good serpent emoji.

Dan McCoy

[4:09] Robert Forster specifically, when he's in the past,

[4:13] is basically the sage kung fu master character from Kill Bill Volume 2, I would say.

[4:21] I'd just like to point out, though, that the kid is left alone with his dad, Robert Forster.

[4:27] The kid's dad is trying to sell Robert Forster, antique shop owner Robert Forster,

[4:32] some ancient dagger.

Elliott Kalan

[4:34] Whose antique shop is basically a warehouse of what, I have to assume, are stolen works of art.

Dan McCoy

[4:37] Yeah, there's like a sarcophagus in there.

[4:39] There's a golden Buddha statue.

[4:42] It's a pretty fancy antique shop.

Stuart Wellington

[4:43] And all that shit later on, like the bad guy, he's kind of like a weird mixture of Terrence Stamp and Bill Murray.

[4:51] And Bill Murray.

Elliott Kalan

[4:52] And Steve Martin and Darth Vader and Doctor Doom.

[4:54] Yeah, this was...

[4:55] There was another armored villain.

[4:57] Shredder.

Stuart Wellington

[4:58] He tends to get hit by cars a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[5:00] There's one beautiful scene.

Dan McCoy

[5:03] Where he gets hit by a car, then there's a fight scene.

[5:06] Like, he's okay because he's a bad guy.

[5:08] And they go out and they fight with him for a while.

[5:11] And then he gets hit by another car.

Elliott Kalan

[5:12] And that knocks him down.

[5:14] Yeah.

[5:14] This is a movie...

[5:15] Before we get any further, know this.

[5:16] Know this, ye audience.

[5:18] This is a movie in which many cars flip over or swerve around things, sometimes for no reason.

[5:23] The dragon...

[5:24] At one point, the evil serpent, Baraki, chases them through a garage of a hospital.

[5:29] They run out onto the street.

[5:30] He comes out and roars at something offscreen.

[5:33] And then we just see a van tip end over end across the screen past him.

[5:37] Which, I guess, swerved to miss him off camera.

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] It's a great movie.

Stuart Wellington

[5:42] I bet they did a couple of takes for that one.

Elliott Kalan

[5:45] And for the computer-generated van to go across the street?

[5:48] Yeah.

[5:49] But that's the backstory.

[5:50] Sure.

[5:51] So, there's this reincarnated girl, 19 years old.

[5:53] She's about to turn 20, which is the magic age when she gets her dragon power.

[5:57] Chris McCool, his sassy friend, and the FBI...

Dan McCoy

[6:00] And Chris McCool, I guess, believes Robert Forrester implicitly.

[6:03] Even though Robert Forrester has faked a heart attack so he can be alone with his young boy.

[6:09] And the first thing he tells him is like, oh, by the way, you're a chosen one.

[6:14] And you're going to fight dragons.

[6:15] And he gives him a magic amulet.

[6:17] Yeah.

[6:17] Well...

[6:18] Which he kept for the many intervening years.

Stuart Wellington

[6:20] Yep.

[6:21] Those...

Dan McCoy

[6:21] Never losing faith.

Stuart Wellington

[6:23] He's going to have to fight a weirdly phallic dragon.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] So, what you're saying is this movie is basically just a creation of his mind.

[6:31] It's a coping mechanism while he's being molested by Robert Forrester.

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] I think that is correct.

[6:36] I would have to believe that's the alternate ending that was not included on the DVD.

Stuart Wellington

[6:40] It's the subtext.

[6:41] The thing is that the entire movie is basically a number of weird scenes of exposition that

[6:48] are linked together by our main characters being chased by dragons around the town.

Elliott Kalan

[6:53] And then occasionally you'll just have long sequences where it's the army fighting dragons.

Stuart Wellington

[6:56] Yeah, because like the first fucking 45 minutes of the movie is scenes of the fucking main characters

[7:02] sitting around talking like, man, we've got to get away from these fucking dragons.

[7:05] And then a dragon shows up and they run away for a while.

[7:07] And apparently they lose the fucking giant snake dragon somewhere...

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] The giant snake dragon whose rampage across L.A. gets very little attention the first couple days.

Stuart Wellington

[7:16] Yeah, couple of days at least.

Dan McCoy

[7:18] It's not on the news as far as we can tell.

Stuart Wellington

[7:21] Well, because the fucking reporter is too busy running away from the goddamn dragon.

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] There's one reporter in L.A. so the story's not getting out.

Dan McCoy

[7:26] Yeah, but you'd figure that if several buildings get destroyed by a giant dragon,

[7:31] where do we get around?

[7:32] This is national news.

[7:33] Like the internet or something.

[7:34] Yeah.

[7:34] Or just, you know, person to person.

[7:36] You know what happened the other day?

[7:39] My house got knocked down by a dragon.

[7:40] Yeah, but...

[7:41] Holy shit, that's weird.

[7:42] I'll tell you what I know.

Stuart Wellington

[7:43] But after like the seven or eight person, it'd be like,

[7:44] uh, like, hey, did you hear?

[7:46] Like, everybody's turning into dragons and houses are exploding.

Elliott Kalan

[7:49] That doesn't seem right.

[7:50] You know, that kind of thing.

[7:51] Yeah, exactly.

[7:52] No, trust me, my friend's friend's hairdresser's uncle said it happened.

[7:55] He saw it.

[7:57] So...

[7:57] There's also...

[7:58] This is also...

[7:58] But this is a world...

[7:59] Let's remember.

[8:00] This is a world where a word about the dragon that's destroying buildings and killing people doesn't get out very quickly.

[8:05] It's also a world where a man is put in a straitjacket, a zookeeper.

[8:10] A kindly fat slob zookeeper we first see falling asleep while eating pizza.

[8:14] Witnesses the serpent, the evil serpent, eating some elephants.

[8:18] He reports this to the police, as he should.

[8:20] And he's immediately put in a straitjacket and confined.

Dan McCoy

[8:23] Yeah, like, right away.

[8:25] You know, he's not violent.

[8:27] He's just talking about a big snake, but straitjacket.

[8:31] I mean, unless what we didn't see was a cutscene where, you know, it's his dream to be an escape artist.

[8:36] And he was just happening to be practicing.

[8:38] Or he pulls a knife on the police or something.

Stuart Wellington

[8:39] Yeah, sure.

[8:41] But, uh...

[8:42] He has a long history of, like, mental illness.

[8:45] Possibly he was molested as a child or something.

[8:47] By Robert Forrester.

Elliott Kalan

[8:49] I think that should maybe be our second and last reference to molestation in this podcast.

Dan McCoy

[8:55] I was going to try and fit, like, for instance.

[8:57] There may be a surprise third at some point.

[8:59] Look for it, audience.

Elliott Kalan

[9:00] But let's cut to the chase.

[9:02] Sure.

[9:02] Like the movie didn't.

[9:03] Does this film skimp on the dragon warring?

[9:06] I'd have to say no on that account.

Dan McCoy

[9:08] There is a lot of dragon warring.

[9:11] Almost too much.

[9:12] Yeah, I would go so far as to say too much.

[9:14] I mean, I made the point, you know, there's a long scene of the dragons tearing up.

[9:20] I guess that's Los Angeles that they're fighting in.

[9:22] You didn't recognize it?

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] You didn't recognize the two square blocks of L.A. that the entire movie took place in?

[9:28] Over and over again?

Dan McCoy

[9:29] I just found it hard to believe that it actually was Los Angeles, knowing that it was a Korean film.

[9:35] Like, I thought that maybe they would be doubling some Korean city for Los Angeles, or they shot it in Toronto, or something like that.

[9:41] So, yeah, alright, the dragons are tearing up Los Angeles, and that's pretty exciting, because you don't see that every day.

[9:47] Dragons taking down Los Angeles.

[9:49] But then the big climactic fight, they're all transported into some sort of eerie netherworld that's sort of like a hellish limbo.

[9:57] And two dragons fight each other, and that's not as exciting.

[10:01] No, it's not.

[10:02] No.

[10:02] Yeah, that's when you would expect to see dragons.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] What you're saying is, when it comes to Dragon Wars, it's all about context.

Dan McCoy

[10:09] Yeah, I like a fish-out-of-water Dragon War.

Stuart Wellington

[10:12] You know, and that's the thing.

[10:13] Like, when you see dragons fighting in a wasteland, frankly, it looked like it was just like some guys were playing a really cool-looking video game.

[10:21] Yeah.

[10:21] Because it looked like a video game, like fighting game level, where you're like, oh, look at the crazy thing in the background.

[10:26] Oh, wow, he did that move where he grabbed the other dragon with his mouth.

[10:30] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:31] Was that a spoiler?

[10:32] Was that a spoiler?

[10:33] Should I not say that about the mouth?

[10:34] You shouldn't have said that there were actually Dragon Wars in the movie Dragon Wars.

[10:38] Okay, I apologize.

Elliott Kalan

[10:40] Going into this, I was worried it would turn out to be a movie where it was about, again, a troubled child who creates Dragon Wars in his imagination to escape from, say, a shattered home life.

Dan McCoy

[10:48] It's sort of a never-ending story.

Elliott Kalan

[10:50] Never-ending story.

[10:51] Sure.

[10:51] It was about Godzilla's revenge kind of thing, Bridge to Terabithia, you know.

[10:55] But no, it was about fucking dragons running around in helicopters shooting.

Stuart Wellington

[10:59] Were those dragons?

[11:00] They just looked like giant pterodactyls.

Dan McCoy

[11:02] Yeah, like a lot of the things that were advertised as dragons, I mean...

[11:06] I have to say, those guys were dragons.

[11:08] The big ones?

[11:09] Okay.

[11:09] The ones that could fly.

[11:10] The ones that were like...

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] What about those big, like, slug things?

[11:12] The big, fat ones.

[11:13] The ones that were riding were not so much.

[11:15] Yeah.

[11:16] The bulkos were the flying ones.

[11:17] Those were dragons.

[11:19] What about the big, fat, slug things with the guns on their backs?

Dan McCoy

[11:21] I would say those are not dragons.

[11:23] Yeah, those are just rejected Mos Eisley background monsters from the retooled Star Wars.

[11:31] Yeah, they look like do-backs.

[11:32] You said that, right?

[11:33] Yeah.

[11:33] Well, I didn't want to admit that I called them do-backs.

[11:35] Yeah, that's cool.

[11:36] I made a number of Star Wars references during that.

[11:38] What's really cool is that I think any listener to this podcast assumes that you know the full name.

Elliott Kalan

[11:43] For full disclosure, you should make sure that the two-legged dinosaurs that were being ridden,

[11:48] you repeatedly referred to as tauntauns.

Dan McCoy

[11:50] That's true, but everyone knows what tauntauns are.

[11:52] Yeah, I guess so.

[11:52] Right, listeners?

Stuart Wellington

[11:54] So...

[11:54] Nice giggle.

[11:56] So, the weird thing is that 500 years later, when this entire army is created out of, like, dust or ink or some shit.

[12:06] Ink.

[12:06] They were all coming out of scrolls.

[12:08] Yeah, they all came out of scrolls.

Elliott Kalan

[12:10] An inspiring tale of the written word.

[12:12] It was real power.

Stuart Wellington

[12:13] So, these dinosaurs, dragon things, I don't know, had giant, like, missile launchers on their back.

[12:20] Yeah.

[12:20] And those missile launchers blew up literally every single possible, like, tank that the United States Army could throw at them.

Elliott Kalan

[12:26] Yeah, their arm, and bullets had no effect on any of the soldiers.

Stuart Wellington

[12:29] 500 years ago, they had these same missile launchers.

[12:33] Like, who was inventing this shit?

[12:35] Dragons?

[12:36] Magicians?

Elliott Kalan

[12:37] There was a magician.

Stuart Wellington

[12:39] There was one magician with his weird, like, light, like, saber.

Elliott Kalan

[12:43] Some sort of lightsaber sword that didn't work for other people.

Stuart Wellington

[12:46] And shield that blocked bullets.

[12:48] Yeah.

[12:48] There was a lot of those flying around.

[12:50] They were aiming at the shield.

[12:51] Yeah, that was, well, pretty big.

Dan McCoy

[12:53] What it is, is because these dragons pop up every 500 years, they have to make sure that their technology is far enough ahead to deal with whatever...

[13:02] I wonder what the dragon does during that time.

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] Is it, like, Brigadoon?

[13:05] Does he get to sleep for 500 years?

[13:06] Or is he hanging out in that wasteland?

[13:09] I think it's, like, a time jump.

Dan McCoy

[13:12] Like, for him, it's just been...

[13:13] Okay, it's just the next day.

[13:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:14] Yeah, I think that's probably fair.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] But then, how long has this been going on?

[13:18] Because, say, we saw the first time we see it happening is in 1507.

[13:21] I have to assume it happened in 1007.

[13:23] Yeah.

[13:24] 507, 07, and then...

[13:27] Or just 7, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[13:28] Well, the original Dragon Fighter was actually a stegosaurus.

[13:30] Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

Elliott Kalan

[13:31] If you go back far enough, it's just dinosaurs.

Dan McCoy

[13:33] Then, you know...

[13:34] And that's not very exciting.

[13:36] That's why that wasn't the movie, dude.

[13:40] Dinosaurs fighting dragons.

Elliott Kalan

[13:41] I would like that.

[13:43] That does sound like a movie that I would have written when I was 10.

[13:47] Especially if they're talking dinosaurs.

Stuart Wellington

[13:48] Only if there's cowboys riding on their backs, firing laser guns.

[13:52] That'd be so awesome.

[13:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] And one of them has, like, a robot that learns how to love.

[13:56] Yep.

[13:57] And another has...

[13:58] That reminds me...

Stuart Wellington

[13:59] And the dinosaurs wear Hawaiian shirts and wear sneakers with the toes busted out.

[14:03] Now it's just Denver the Last Dinosaur.

[14:05] Or Theodore Rex, I guess, was the other one.

Elliott Kalan

[14:08] It's just the folder that I had when I was in third grade that showed a dinosaur with sunglasses on surfing.

Dan McCoy

[14:13] Yeah.

[14:13] It's a cool dinosaur.

[14:14] It was so cool.

[14:15] You may wonder why we're not talking that much about the characters in this movie.

[14:19] And that's because there was nothing memorable about any of them other than that they were all played by character actors that you would recognize from several American movies or television shows.

[14:33] And they were all faces.

[14:36] They were all, you know, people that you would know.

[14:39] But, I mean, clearly this is their version of doing a Japanese commercial, say.

Elliott Kalan

[14:45] Yeah.

[14:45] Well, the biggest star in the movie is Robert Forster.

[14:47] Yeah.

[14:48] That says something for you.

Dan McCoy

[14:49] Well, he knows a thing or two about dealing with giant reptiles, though, so...

[14:53] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] Yeah, I mean, I was a big fan of the casting.

[14:55] Like, I like it when I watch a movie and the whole time I'm like, oh, hey, that guy, I didn't know he was frightened of dragons.

[15:01] It's a new aspect to it.

[15:04] Yeah, it really is.

[15:05] It's not his IMDb bio.

[15:07] It really, like, snares me.

Elliott Kalan

[15:09] I can't wait for that episode of The Office when he's like, by the way, I hate dragons.

[15:13] Wink!

[15:13] Wings to the camera.

[15:15] It's a little nice.

[15:15] Check out Dragon Wars on DVD now.

Dan McCoy

[15:17] There's a little animated sparkle in his eye.

Elliott Kalan

[15:19] Speaking of animated, all right, this is off-tropic.

[15:22] Do you guys watch 30 Rock?

[15:23] Sure.

[15:24] In The Office?

[15:25] Have you noticed the animated ads for movies in theaters now that run across the bottom of the screen?

[15:30] Yeah.

[15:30] That is irritating.

[15:31] And I said this would be the best mode to express my irritation with that.

[15:34] It's the middle of a podcast about Dragon Wars.

Dan McCoy

[15:37] Thanks, Andy Rooney.

[15:39] Yeah, you morph into Andy Rooney a la Robert Forrester in this film.

[15:43] Oh, that's the other thing.

[15:43] That's the other thing.

[15:44] Every time, like, they need saving from something, some random stranger comes up and saves them.

[15:50] And then after they leave, the camera will linger on that random stranger for a little bit and we'll see him morph into Robert Forrester.

[15:56] Him or her.

[15:58] And you've got to wonder why it couldn't have just been Robert Forrester showing up.

[16:02] Yeah, why is he just doing this himself?

Stuart Wellington

[16:03] Yeah, the thing is, guys, what you don't understand is that that wasn't special effects.

[16:06] That was Robert Forrester acting really well.

[16:09] Wow, that's amazing.

[16:10] It was the skill of his acting.

[16:11] He really became another character.

[16:13] Yeah.

[16:14] Yeah.

[16:15] So you were talking earlier about the exposition and how it kind of jumps around and how early on you don't know if you're coming or going.

[16:23] I really respect that about a movie that really doesn't underestimate its audience.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] It doesn't underestimate is one way to put it.

[16:29] Another way to put it is, as I think I said when I was watching it, it felt like we started at Chapter 4.

Stuart Wellington

[16:33] Yeah, you know, it's like you jump right in the middle.

[16:36] It's very much like if five 11-year-olds had to come up with a movie and were still writing it midway through.

[16:42] As they were shooting it.

[16:43] Yeah, as they were shooting it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] That's right.

[16:45] That's true.

[16:45] And there is something kind of endearing about that.

Dan McCoy

[16:47] As if they decided, you know, I don't want to write a movie about feudal Korea.

[16:52] I want to write a movie about dragons.

[16:55] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] Well, that's the thing.

[16:57] Lo and behold.

[16:57] This was very much, and I know this because I read about it a little bit, not to prepare for this podcast, but just when Dragon Wars was coming out.

Dan McCoy

[17:04] You said, holy shit, there's a movie about dragons.

Elliott Kalan

[17:06] I said, I have to learn more about this.

[17:09] This was a movie that, I guess the studio that made it was Korean with, I guess, American backers.

[17:15] And this was a bid by Korea, by the Korean film industry to kind of get a bigger foothold in the American filmgoers' mind.

[17:24] Mission accomplished.

[17:26] Which is why it was shot in English, mostly in Los Angeles with American actors.

[17:30] And I guess Oldboy was not blazing the path that they were hoping to make in the American mind.

[17:36] So they took out Dragon Wars, and I don't think it was such a successful mission.

[17:41] The rest is history.

[17:42] I do believe it.

[17:44] It's just history.

Dan McCoy

[17:45] I do believe it is the highest grossing Korean film in Korea.

[17:49] Okay.

[17:49] But then it was not a successful export.

Elliott Kalan

[17:51] Well, that's just because they love Robert Forster over there.

[17:54] He can make anything in Korea.

[17:56] They're crazy about that guy.

[17:56] He becomes amazing.

Dan McCoy

[17:57] He's like George Clooney in Korea.

[18:01] Both of the Koreas.

[18:02] But it was interesting, though, because it's Korea.

[18:04] He unites them.

[18:05] Bridges the gap.

Elliott Kalan

[18:05] The story about South Korea now that you really read about is that there's this explosion of new film talent.

[18:12] And all these movies come out of Korea, these kind of harder-edge things.

[18:15] And then they're like, no, no, no.

[18:18] We can make Dragon Wars 2.

[18:19] Don't worry.

[18:20] Sure.

[18:20] We can make our version of Reign of Fire.

Dan McCoy

[18:22] My complaint about this movie, my main complaint is that although there did...

[18:28] You're only allowed one.

[18:29] Yeah.

[18:29] I want to hear this one.

[18:30] Although there did end up being a lot of Dragon Warring, I thought that the Dragon Warring was very lopsided.

[18:38] Like, the last 40 minutes was just dragons fighting.

[18:42] And then the rest of it was exposition and people running away.

[18:45] And when I hear...

[18:46] When I heard Dragon Wars, when I hear the title Dragon Wars, I think, awesome.

[18:51] All right.

[18:51] Like, I saw the trailer.

[18:53] I'm like, okay, this movie is entirely about a bunch of dragons wake up in modern-day Los Angeles.

[18:59] And the U.S. has to fight them off.

[19:01] And it's kind of...

[19:02] I mean, I guess it's like Godzilla, but...

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] You expected strategy, like, day two, we lost some ground to the dragons.

[19:08] We're going to make it up on day three, though.

[19:10] Oh, they're at my flank.

[19:12] Pincer movement, pincer movement.

[19:13] D-d-d-d-d-d.

[19:14] Sarge!

[19:15] Here's a picture of my girlfriend back home.

[19:17] Oh, she's brutal.

[19:18] Ah!

[19:19] Don't die on me!

[19:20] You've got to stay alive for your girlfriend!

[19:22] That kind of thing?

[19:23] Yeah.

[19:24] Well...

[19:24] And then Ernie Pyle walks away.

[19:25] Not necessarily so old-timey.

[19:26] He really was inspired by the story of G.I.

[19:29] Dinosaur...

[19:30] Dragon Fighter.

[19:33] Yes.

[19:33] What are we fighting for, man?

[19:35] Why is America even involved in these dragons?

[19:37] No dragon ever called me...

[19:39] You know, so forth.

[19:40] And then there was...

[19:40] Wait, was the guy's last name Dragon Fighter?

[19:44] Yeah, I think so.

[19:45] And then they're like,

Dan McCoy

[19:46] All right, men, when you're on leave,

[19:48] remember, if you're gonna fuck a dragon,

[19:50] wear a dragon condom.

Elliott Kalan

[19:52] You don't understand.

[19:53] Humans and dragons can live together.

[19:55] Shut up, dragon lover!

[19:57] You know, things like that.

[19:58] Loose lips.

[19:59] Sick dragons.

[20:00] And the war.

Elliott Kalan

[20:00] Bring our boys back from the dragon war.

[20:02] That's...

[20:03] Yeah.

[20:03] That sounds really good.

[20:04] My fellow Americans.

[20:06] You know, so forth.

[20:07] All right.

[20:08] A day that will live in dragon feed.

[20:10] If anybody hears, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[20:11] You're just putting dragons on one of the words now.

[20:13] Yes.

[20:14] If anybody hears the sound of a pencil on paper,

[20:16] it's because I'm finishing my screenplay,

[20:19] or as we speak.

[20:20] Or just like a disaster movie with dragons.

Elliott Kalan

[20:21] A dragon curtain has descended across Europe.

[20:24] Like Volcano?

[20:25] Yeah.

[20:25] You didn't expect so much mystical Korean nonsense.

[20:28] Yes.

[20:29] Is what it comes down to.

Dan McCoy

[20:30] And again, I expected more reaction from the populace,

[20:34] because unless a dragon is being shot out right in front of their eyes...

[20:37] They don't notice it.

[20:38] Well, people are pretty complacent.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] The people in this movie are much like horses.

[20:43] Or parrots.

[20:44] If they don't see it, it doesn't exist, you know?

[20:47] You kind of feel like if the dragons threw in a blanket over all of L.A.,

[20:49] everyone would have fallen asleep,

[20:50] because they would think it was night.

[20:52] For all the talk about what a terrible movie this is,

[20:54] and it is terrible,

[20:55] I cannot lie to you.

[20:56] I was so excited to see dragons fighting helicopter gunships,

[21:00] and things like that.

[21:01] Sure.

[21:01] And, you know, dragons flipping cars over.

[21:04] We were talking earlier about how Children of Paradise,

[21:08] the carne film, is on my TiVo at home,

[21:12] and I'm looking forward to watching it.

[21:14] I'm in the middle of Seduced and Abandoned,

[21:15] the other movie by...

[21:17] One of the movies by the guy who made Divorce Italian style.

Dan McCoy

[21:20] Classic cineast films.

[21:22] Exactly.

[21:23] Artie.

[21:23] I was watching Picnic and Raining Rock.

Elliott Kalan

[21:25] I think I recommended that a while ago.

[21:27] But I got to tell you,

[21:28] watching dragons fighting helicopter gunships

[21:30] is the funniest thing in the world.

Dan McCoy

[21:33] We've got some extra stuff to deal with.

[21:37] I promised you guys a surprise before the podcast started.

[21:41] That's right.

[21:41] So I want to keep things moving along.

[21:43] Surprise.

Elliott Kalan

[21:43] Each of you has one day to live.

[21:45] Yep.

[21:46] I poisoned the Chinese that you ordered.

Stuart Wellington

[21:49] Yep.

[21:49] The results of the blood test.

[21:51] You guys are actually brothers.

[21:53] You guys have to...

Dan McCoy

[21:54] Look what we made out last night.

Elliott Kalan

[21:56] Oh, my God.

Dan McCoy

[21:57] You guys have to keep your adrenaline pumping

[21:59] or else your heart will explode.

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] Oh, no.

[22:01] We've got a Hong Kong cocktail.

[22:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:03] They gave you the Hong Kong cocktail.

Elliott Kalan

[22:07] Oh, the Hong Kong cocktail.

[22:09] I know it well.

[22:10] The famous Hong...

[22:11] You saw the cover story about it in Cosmo, right?

Dan McCoy

[22:13] People who don't know what Crank is

[22:15] are baffled at this point in the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] I think the people listening to this

[22:19] will probably have a passing familiarity

[22:20] with Crank and the Hong Kong cocktail.

Stuart Wellington

[22:22] The...

[22:22] Now, not to sidetrack this conversation

[22:26] back to Dragon Wars,

[22:28] but if I have one small complaint about this movie

[22:32] is that this movie is literally filled

[22:33] with reaction shots of people

[22:35] like a dragon going by

[22:37] and somebody's eyes going wide,

[22:39] like cars flipping over,

[22:40] et cetera, et cetera,

[22:42] and then like dinosaurs attacking people

[22:44] in feudal Korea

[22:45] and their pants falling down,

[22:46] like that sort of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] The guy's pants didn't actually fall down.

Dan McCoy

[22:49] He was...

[22:49] The dragon grabbed him

[22:52] by his pant ass, though.

Stuart Wellington

[22:54] Same thing.

[22:55] So, but there isn't a single

[22:57] like reaction, like nude scene,

[23:00] like a dragon knocking over a wall

[23:02] and a girl's like taking a shower

[23:03] or like a dragon runs by really fast

[23:07] and a girl's blouse falls down

[23:09] and it makes like a zip sound effect.

[23:11] Like there's nothing like that.

Elliott Kalan

[23:13] So you would have rather this be Zapped Wars.

[23:14] That's what you're saying.

Stuart Wellington

[23:16] Uh, yes.

Dan McCoy

[23:18] Frankly, yeah.

[23:19] If that meant that it started Scott and Baio.

Elliott Kalan

[23:21] I think you have your script,

[23:23] Bikini Dragon Wars.

Stuart Wellington

[23:24] Yeah, that's the thing.

[23:24] The great Bikini Dragon Wars.

Dan McCoy

[23:26] They inherit...

[23:26] Off-road adventure.

[23:27] What happens is they inherit

[23:29] a couple of dragons

[23:30] and the dragons are about to go out of business.

[23:33] There's only one way

Elliott Kalan

[23:35] we're going to be able to

[23:35] keep these dragons afloat, girls.

[23:38] The big evil developer

[23:39] wants to bring in his own non-sexy dragons.

Dan McCoy

[23:41] He's going to tear down these dragons.

Elliott Kalan

[23:45] How come those bikini movies,

[23:47] it's never the government

[23:48] wants to build a highway

[23:49] using eminent domain?

[23:51] Like, and the bikini girls

[23:52] are obviously on the wrong side

[23:54] of this debate.

[23:54] This town needs this highway

[23:55] to get business in.

[23:57] But movies always side

[23:58] with the bikini girls.

Dan McCoy

[23:59] Just like in life, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[24:01] Those girls are roadblocks

[24:03] to progress

[24:03] for that struggling town.

Dan McCoy

[24:05] But they're so topless.

[24:08] Before we move on,

[24:10] I do want to say

[24:11] one thing that I think

[24:12] was not addressed

[24:14] when we're talking about

[24:15] the fat zookeeper,

[24:16] which is

[24:17] while he's being,

[24:19] you know...

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] Because there's so many nuances

[24:21] to that portrayal.

[24:23] There's his being asleep.

[24:24] There's his

[24:25] most half-eaten pizza.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] When he's talking

[24:27] to the psychiatrist,

[24:29] there's this one point

[24:30] where she's like,

[24:31] just say that there's

[24:33] no giant snakes

[24:34] and we'll let you go

[24:35] or something like that.

[24:36] And he's like,

[24:37] okay,

[24:38] I realize that there's

[24:39] no giant snakes.

[24:40] I don't want to get

[24:40] thrown in the thing.

[24:41] I'm just going to fake it.

[24:43] And she's like,

[24:43] fine, you can go.

[24:45] And then they do the thing

[24:46] where the dragon comes up

[24:47] in the window behind.

[24:49] Behind her.

[24:50] Yeah, and he's like,

[24:51] look, look,

[24:52] it's right there behind you.

[24:53] And she turns around

[24:54] and it's not there.

[24:55] And it's such an Abbott and Costello

[24:58] meet Frankenstein moment.

[25:01] Yeah.

[25:02] And I just, you know...

[25:03] That joke never gets old.

[25:04] It never does.

[25:05] That's what I'm saying.

[25:06] Timeless.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] That's exactly...

[25:09] You didn't misconstrue

[25:10] his message at all.

[25:11] No.

Dan McCoy

[25:12] Well, that's a little more

[25:13] of the spirit

[25:14] that I was looking for

[25:15] in Dragon Wars.

[25:15] Oh, you wanted more of that.

[25:16] The wackiness.

Elliott Kalan

[25:17] So you wanted more of the, like,

[25:19] drunk guy sees a dragon,

[25:20] says never again

[25:22] and throws the bottle

[25:23] over his shoulder.

[25:23] Exactly.

[25:24] He rubs his eyes

Stuart Wellington

[25:25] a couple of times.

[25:26] Dan, your cat is eating

[25:27] your computer, I think.

[25:28] Really?

[25:29] Almost.

[25:30] Or like...

[25:30] It is made of dragon

[25:31] in the movie I saw recently.

[25:34] Well, what's...

[25:35] Stardust.

[25:36] The dragon in the movie

[25:37] Stardust.

Elliott Kalan

[25:38] Not like the dragon

[25:39] in the movie I saw recently.

[25:40] New York, New York.

[25:41] Starring Robert De Niro

[25:42] and Liza Minnelli.

Dan McCoy

[25:45] The dragon was figurative.

Elliott Kalan

[25:46] Not like the dragon

[25:47] in the movie I saw

[25:48] the other day.

[25:49] Garden of the Fitzy Continis.

[25:51] Fuck off.

[25:54] Sorry.

[25:55] Now you're just

[25:55] making up words.

[25:57] I must come off

[25:59] as such a pretentious asshole

[26:00] in these podcasts.

[26:01] I like to think

[26:02] that that's your part

Dan McCoy

[26:03] to play in the jigsaw puzzle

[26:05] that is the flop house, though.

[26:06] Oh, I see.

[26:07] Okay, you promised me

[26:08] a fucking thing.

[26:08] No, no.

[26:09] First, let's just put

[26:10] quickly the final judgment

[26:12] on Dragon Wars.

[26:13] Big promise.

[26:14] Is it a movie

[26:15] that you thought

[26:16] you didn't like at all?

[26:18] A movie that you thought

[26:18] was a good bad movie?

[26:19] Or a movie that you

[26:20] kind of liked a little bit?

[26:22] What do you say, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[26:23] Well, I mean,

[26:24] I believe I've mentioned this.

[26:25] I'm kind of on the halfway point

[26:26] between good bad movie

[26:27] and movie I liked a lot.

[26:29] As hard as it is

[26:29] for me to admit it

[26:30] because, I mean,

[26:31] there were many

[26:32] bad movie things about it

[26:33] that I thought were funny.

[26:34] the massive, stupid exposition

[26:37] and things that happened

[26:38] for no reason

[26:38] and the villain getting hit

[26:39] by two cars in a row.

[26:41] But then, on the other hand,

[26:42] I can't lie.

[26:43] I genuinely enjoyed

[26:45] watching helicopters

[26:45] fighting dragons.

Dan McCoy

[26:47] Yeah, where I'm going to go

[26:48] on this is that

[26:49] I think that ultimately

[26:50] it's a very dull movie,

[26:52] really, for being 90 minutes long

[26:54] because there is

[26:55] so much exposition

[26:55] and a little too much

[26:57] dragon fighting.

[26:58] However, if you do watch it,

[27:01] I think you will enjoy it

[27:02] if you start an hour in.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] And finish 20 minutes

[27:06] before the ending.

[27:07] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[27:08] And then you'll just get

[27:09] like a solid dragon war.

[27:12] Just like a taste.

Stuart Wellington

[27:14] Yeah.

[27:15] I think this is one of those movies

[27:16] I could have watched

[27:17] if my DVD player

[27:18] had a shuffle function

[27:19] and just like

[27:20] randomly bounced around.

[27:21] I think that would have been ideal.

[27:23] I'm going to go

[27:23] with the middle ground as well.

[27:25] I still, I got to admit

[27:27] I was disappointed.

[27:28] I don't know

[27:29] what I was quite expecting

[27:30] and this wasn't quite it

[27:31] but it wasn't bad enough

[27:33] for me to hate.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] All right.

[27:36] Well, that's mixed.

[27:38] Well, before I get on

[27:39] to our surprise

[27:40] I do want to make

[27:40] an announcement

[27:41] that I forgot.

[27:42] Fuck.

[27:43] This is called

[27:43] building suspense.

[27:44] The audience

[27:45] is on the edge

[27:47] of their, you know,

[27:49] their subway seat

[27:50] if they're like commuters

[27:51] listening to us

[27:52] or I don't know.

[27:55] Where else people listen

[27:56] to the podcast?

[27:56] If they're listening

[27:56] just to help them

[27:57] fall asleep.

[27:58] At night

[27:58] because they're insomniacs.

Stuart Wellington

[28:00] Sitting on the edge

[28:01] of the trolley

[28:01] they're running around.

Dan McCoy

[28:04] Because they're trolley drivers.

[28:06] Anyway,

[28:07] I do want to say

[28:08] before I move on

[28:09] an announcement

[28:10] I did want to make

[28:11] at the beginning

[28:12] of the podcast.

[28:13] This is our first

[28:14] May podcast.

[28:16] That means

[28:16] May sweeps.

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] Which applies

[28:20] to podcasts

[28:20] really.

[28:21] Yeah, it does.

[28:22] And we're recording

[28:22] this on May Day

[28:23] so get out there

[28:24] communists, you know.

Dan McCoy

[28:27] I just wanted to let

[28:28] everyone know

[28:28] that we're doing

[28:31] this podcast

[28:31] completely nude

[28:32] for May sweeps.

[28:34] So, put that image

[28:36] in your brain

[28:36] and smoke it.

[28:37] You are wearing a hat

[28:38] and Stuart has

[28:39] Argyle socks on.

Stuart Wellington

[28:41] And an artificial penis

[28:42] strapped on

[28:43] next to my actual penis.

Dan McCoy

[28:45] So, stay tuned

[28:47] for other

[28:48] May sweep stunts.

[28:49] But I do want to say

[28:50] the big surprise

[28:51] is

[28:52] the return

[28:53] of listener mail.

[28:55] Yeah!

[28:55] That is a nice surprise.

[28:57] I think you're going

[28:57] to like this.

[28:57] However, it's negative.

[29:00] I think you're going

[29:00] to like this piece

[29:01] of mail.

[29:01] It's from a

[29:03] Courtney last name

[29:04] withheld.

[29:07] That's actually

[29:08] her last name.

[29:08] What ethnicity is that?

Elliott Kalan

[29:09] Is it a her?

[29:10] It could be a dude.

[29:11] Well, it probably

[29:12] was last name

[29:14] Vishal.

[29:15] And when she came

[29:15] to Ellis Island,

[29:16] her family from Ellis Island,

[29:17] they changed it

[29:17] to last name.

Dan McCoy

[29:17] Americanized it.

[29:19] But the subject line

[29:20] is,

[29:20] American idolized it.

[29:21] I think I am

[29:22] in love with you.

Stuart Wellington

[29:23] Oh, nice.

[29:25] Written to Elliot,

[29:26] I'm sure.

[29:27] I don't think so.

[29:28] I didn't give my video.

Dan McCoy

[29:29] Actually, I know I am.

[29:31] You guys seriously rock.

[29:32] I realized the other week

[29:33] that I must have

[29:34] somehow subscribed

[29:34] to your podcast

[29:35] at the beginning

[29:36] of your reign.

[29:36] My mistake.

[29:38] And I feel

[29:39] a better person for it.

[29:41] Thanks for making

[29:41] random hours

[29:42] of my weeks better.

[29:43] I only wish

[29:44] there were more

[29:44] podcasts to listen to.

[29:46] I've had to resort

[29:46] to listening to your podcast

[29:47] multiple times.

[29:49] Plus,

[29:50] I have fallen

[29:50] hopelessly in love

[29:51] with Stuart Wellington.

[29:53] So please pass

[29:54] the word on to him

[29:55] that there's some girl

[29:56] on the West Coast

[29:57] in love with him.

[29:59] Courtney.

Stuart Wellington

[29:59] Oh my God.

[30:01] Well,

[30:03] how to respond to this.

[30:04] How do you respond to it?

[30:05] You quit your job,

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] you go to the West Coast.

[30:07] Okay, West Coast.

[30:08] You cut all ties.

Dan McCoy

[30:09] You knock on everyone's door.

Elliott Kalan

[30:10] You knock on everyone's door

[30:11] in California,

[30:12] Oregon,

[30:13] or Washington State.

[30:14] Courtney.

[30:14] Or possibly

[30:15] Western Canada.

Dan McCoy

[30:15] In sort of a

[30:16] romantic comedy version

[30:18] of The Terminator.

[30:19] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[30:22] I'll start out

[30:23] with a nice bouquet

[30:24] of flowers

[30:24] which will slowly

[30:25] be wilting.

[30:27] Your tie gets looser.

[30:28] My hair will get messier.

Dan McCoy

[30:30] Well,

[30:30] I just wanted to open

[30:31] this up for discussion

[30:32] and to ask...

[30:33] On a little thing

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] called Flophouse

[30:36] Conversation Corner.

Dan McCoy

[30:37] To put it out there,

[30:39] what do we think

[30:40] it is that has made

[30:42] this girl

[30:43] specifically fall in love

[30:44] with Stuart?

[30:46] Well,

[30:46] he's got a beautiful voice.

[30:47] He does have a low,

[30:48] low voice.

[30:50] Very white-esque.

[30:51] Also,

[30:51] I think he's unafraid

[30:52] to put his horniness

[30:55] on display.

Elliott Kalan

[30:55] There's a raw sensuality

[30:56] there, yes.

[30:58] The same way

[30:59] that women are attracted

[31:00] to the wolf

[31:01] from Tex Avery's

[31:02] droopy cartoons.

[31:04] I'm going to take

[31:05] your word for that.

[31:06] You snob.

Dan McCoy

[31:07] I'll take your word

[31:08] for that one.

[31:09] But,

Dan McCoy

[31:09] you know,

[31:11] it's like he's invading

[31:12] her brain

[31:13] through her ear holes.

[31:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] Wow,

Dan McCoy

[31:15] that's horrible.

Stuart Wellington

[31:18] That's horrible.

[31:19] It's like a weird

[31:20] Mr. Hyde

[31:22] magnetism,

[31:23] I think.

Dan McCoy

[31:24] You're like

[31:25] Shannon Tweed

[31:26] in one of those movies

[31:27] where she's a radio

[31:28] sex therapist,

[31:29] only you're like

[31:30] the male version.

[31:31] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[31:32] Angela Davies

[31:33] in the hit TV show

[31:34] Best Sex Ever

[31:34] where she is also.

[31:35] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[31:37] I like the Shannon Tweed

[31:37] reference a little better.

[31:39] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[31:39] Yeah,

[31:40] it's classic.

[31:41] It's classic.

Stuart Wellington

[31:42] Classic soft core porn.

Dan McCoy

[31:44] Your actress doesn't have

[31:44] the oeuvre

[31:45] that Shannon Tweed is.

Stuart Wellington

[31:47] Or Joan Severance.

[31:49] Nice.

[31:49] You know,

[31:50] the black scorpion?

[31:51] Yeah.

[31:51] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[31:52] I think that's a pretty

[31:52] exciting email,

[31:53] though.

[31:53] Do you have any words?

Stuart Wellington

[31:55] Hey,

[31:56] thanks.

[31:58] I don't know much else.

[32:00] He's a charmer.

[32:00] Yeah.

[32:02] Well done,

[32:02] me.

[32:03] Strong silent type.

[32:04] Yeah,

[32:04] I don't know what else

[32:05] to say.

[32:06] Yeah.

[32:07] All right.

[32:07] I'm not drunk enough

[32:08] right now.

Dan McCoy

[32:08] Yeah.

[32:09] Well,

[32:09] that listener mail segment

[32:11] went out with a whimper.

Elliott Kalan

[32:12] Yeah,

[32:12] a little bit,

[32:13] but like a puppy love whimper.

[32:16] Yeah.

[32:16] I thought it was sweet.

[32:17] Yeah,

[32:17] I thought it was very nice.

Stuart Wellington

[32:18] Should I have been shouting more?

[32:20] No.

Elliott Kalan

[32:21] It had a nice quiet ending

[32:22] like Spider-Man 3.

[32:24] Hmm.

[32:27] So.

[32:28] That's a technically

[32:29] accurate reference.

Stuart Wellington

[32:30] I want to talk about

[32:31] movies I recommend

[32:31] because I've been thinking

[32:32] about it since the last time

[32:33] I didn't have anything

[32:34] to talk about.

[32:35] Spin your magic.

[32:36] Come on.

[32:36] So.

[32:37] Come on.

[32:38] Okay.

[32:38] Drop some syrup on us.

[32:39] Hey,

[32:40] Flophouse viewers.

[32:41] This is the time

[32:41] of the podcast

[32:42] when we kind of,

[32:43] you know,

[32:44] we go away from

[32:44] shitty town

[32:45] or wherever we were

[32:46] and we go and talk

[32:47] about movies

[32:47] that we actually like.

[32:49] And right now

[32:50] I want to talk about

[32:50] a little movie

[32:51] that I watched recently

[32:52] called Nightmare Man

[32:53] that is directed by

[32:55] the guy who directed

[32:57] a movie I really liked.

[32:58] A guy named

[32:58] Rolf Koneski

[33:00] or something.

Dan McCoy

[33:02] Roald Dahl.

[33:02] Yes.

[33:03] Yes,

Stuart Wellington

[33:03] Roald Dahl.

[33:05] And he directed

[33:06] another horror movie

[33:07] called The Hazing

[33:08] that was really good

[33:08] with Brad Dourif,

[33:10] you know,

[33:11] the guy who does

[33:11] the voice of Chucky.

[33:12] And this movie,

[33:15] Nightmare Man,

[33:16] was one of the

[33:17] After Dark film festivals.

[33:19] Oh,

Dan McCoy

[33:19] I didn't see any of those.

Stuart Wellington

[33:21] Well,

[33:22] they're usually

[33:22] not very good

[33:23] and this one I think

[33:24] is shot video to video

[33:25] which is always

[33:26] a bad sign

[33:27] and some of the acting

[33:28] is not very good.

[33:29] However,

[33:29] there's a totally

[33:30] weird twist

[33:31] about two-thirds

[33:32] of the way

[33:32] through the movie.

[33:34] I think there's

[33:35] some nudity

[33:36] and it's got

[33:37] an actress.

[33:38] So,

[33:39] check it off.

[33:39] Check it off

[33:39] your checklist

[33:40] as you're going along.

[33:41] This is the raw

[33:41] sensuality

Dan McCoy

[33:42] we were talking

[33:43] about earlier.

Stuart Wellington

[33:44] And there's a crossbow

[33:45] and a demon

[33:47] and yeah,

[33:48] it's totally worth watching.

[33:49] I love that these

[33:50] are the elements

Elliott Kalan

[33:50] you picked up on.

[33:51] Oh,

[33:52] shit,

[33:52] my phone's ringing.

[33:53] It must be

[33:53] the Nightmare Man.

[33:55] One of the elements

[33:56] was crossbow.

Dan McCoy

[33:57] It might be one of

[33:58] Stuart's many

[34:00] paramours.

[34:01] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] or admirers.

[34:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:03] Okay.

[34:04] Was it her?

[34:04] What did she say?

[34:06] She said that

[34:08] she doesn't like me anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] Oh,

[34:10] it's terrible.

[34:11] Yeah.

[34:11] Courtney,

[34:12] last name withheld.

[34:13] I know.

[34:14] You're so fickle.

[34:15] Fickle as woman.

[34:16] Yeah,

[34:16] took away her support.

Stuart Wellington

[34:17] So,

[34:18] Nightmare Man,

[34:18] it's pretty good

[34:20] if you like horror movies

[34:21] like me.

[34:22] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[34:23] Well,

[34:23] I actually haven't seen

[34:26] a lot of movies

[34:26] and a lot of the movies

[34:29] I did see recently,

[34:31] like there was

[34:31] something wrong with them

[34:32] or like,

Elliott Kalan

[34:33] well,

[34:34] they weren't like,

[34:35] ouch.

[34:36] You said like,

[34:37] they turned out

[34:37] to be television shows

[34:38] or one was actually

[34:40] a dog.

[34:41] Well,

[34:41] one of them

Dan McCoy

[34:43] actually shot jelly

[34:44] instead of water

[34:45] and one had square wheels.

[34:48] It's a weird,

[34:49] a weird,

[34:51] misfit toys joke.

[34:53] Anyway,

[34:54] well,

[34:55] no,

[34:55] like Angel Heart.

[34:56] I saw Angel Heart

[34:57] and like for two-thirds

[34:58] of the movie,

[34:58] I'm like,

[34:59] this is great.

[35:00] And then,

[35:00] and then,

[35:01] Angel Heart curse,

[35:02] I call it.

[35:03] And then at the end,

[35:04] a fat man comes in

[35:06] and explains

[35:07] all of the crazy twist

[35:08] in a long exposition scene

[35:11] that doesn't make any sense

[35:12] and then he gets killed

[35:13] by boiling in a pot of gumbo

[35:15] and that's when the movie

[35:17] fell apart for me.

[35:18] but,

[35:19] oh yeah.

[35:21] But I'm two-thirds

[35:23] of the way

[35:23] through Escape from Alcatraz

[35:25] directed by Don Siegel,

[35:28] a,

[35:28] you know,

[35:28] an excellent pulp film director

[35:30] who,

[35:31] you know,

[35:31] did the first Invasion

[35:32] of the Body Snatchers

[35:33] and Dirty Harry.

[35:34] You know,

[35:35] I can't speak to the whole film

[35:36] as I'm two-thirds

[35:37] of the way through it

[35:37] but I'm really enjoying it

[35:39] and I,

[35:40] you know,

[35:40] I got it

[35:41] because I went to Alcatraz

[35:42] when I was in San Francisco

[35:44] and it's really interesting

[35:45] to actually see a movie

[35:47] where,

[35:48] because Alcatraz

[35:48] was shut down

[35:49] and then turned

[35:50] into a national park,

[35:51] like,

[35:51] everything looks exactly

[35:53] the same in the movie

[35:54] as it did when I visited it

[35:56] rather than,

[35:57] you know,

[35:57] usually if you see

[35:58] a location in person

[35:59] it's changed so much

[36:00] since that movie was made.

[36:02] Hey, isn't Alcatraz

[36:03] called The Rock?

Stuart Wellington

[36:05] It is called The Rock.

[36:06] You may be familiar

[36:07] with it from the film

[36:07] The Rock.

[36:08] Yeah,

[36:09] yeah,

[36:09] I saw that movie.

[36:11] Yeah.

[36:11] Nicolas Cage

[36:12] is pretty good

[36:12] in that one.

Dan McCoy

[36:16] Ladies love it.

[36:18] Ow!

[36:19] This segment

[36:20] is falling apart

[36:20] before your very ears.

Elliott Kalan

[36:22] I have not,

[36:23] I mean,

[36:24] I've seen some things

[36:24] recently I thought were okay.

[36:26] Recently,

[36:27] I'm trying to think back

[36:28] if there are any movies

[36:28] I saw recently

[36:29] that I really liked a lot.

[36:31] I saw Torn Curtain

[36:32] which I hadn't seen before.

[36:32] That's okay.

[36:34] So I'll recommend a movie

[36:35] that I didn't watch recently

[36:37] but I just recommended

[36:38] to somebody else

[36:39] and they enjoyed it

[36:40] which is Cat Baloo

[36:41] or Cat Baloo

[36:43] Yeah, dude.

[36:44] Starring Jane Fonda

[36:45] and Lee Marvin

[36:45] which is a western comedy

[36:48] that is narrated

[36:49] through song

[36:50] by Stubby K

[36:51] and Nat King Cole

[36:52] and it is just,

[36:54] it's a lot of,

[36:55] it's like a huge amount of fun.

[36:57] It's the movie

[36:57] that Lee Marvin won

[36:58] Best Supporting Actor for.

[37:00] He plays a dual role

[37:01] of a drunken gunfighter

[37:03] and an evil gunfighter

[37:05] with a metal nose

[37:06] and it's all about

[37:08] this girl

[37:08] whose father is a rancher

[37:10] who gets killed

[37:11] and she becomes an outlaw

[37:12] to revenge him

[37:13] but it's very funny

[37:14] but there are also

[37:15] some touching scenes

[37:16] and like touching

[37:17] like heartwarming

[37:18] not touching like

[37:19] some weird.

[37:20] Like Robert Forrester.

[37:21] Yeah.

[37:21] Yeah, the third reference.

[37:23] Oh no.

[37:25] It's just a lot of fun

[37:26] and it's a very good movie

[37:27] in the way that,

[37:28] it's a good western

[37:29] in the way they don't

[37:30] make them anymore

[37:30] a good comedy

[37:32] and a good fun movie

[37:35] and a good western comedy

[37:37] in the way that

[37:37] is rarely ever done well.

[37:40] Cat Baloo.

[37:41] Yeah, even Mr. Wellington likes it.

Stuart Wellington

[37:43] I saw it.

[37:44] I think I watched it originally

[37:45] because I thought

[37:46] there might be nudity in it.

[37:48] I was like 13.

[37:49] It's a movie from like 1966.

[37:51] Well, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] It was on a VHS tape.

[37:55] The word cat

[37:56] was in the title

[37:57] which suggested

[37:58] a certain...

[37:59] Oh, I was disappointed.

[38:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] But there's also...

[38:02] It's also nice to see

[38:03] Jane Fonda

[38:04] when she still had

[38:04] a certain innocence

[38:05] about her

[38:05] before she became

[38:06] this kind of weird

[38:07] half political

[38:08] half crazy woman.

[38:11] You know?

[38:12] Half dragon.

[38:13] All dragon.

[38:14] All dragon.

[38:15] That was the original

[38:16] tagline for Dragon Wars.

[38:17] Half political,

[38:17] half crazy,

[38:18] all dragon.

Stuart Wellington

[38:19] It wasn't

[38:19] you're never home alone

[38:21] when you're a twin.

Dan McCoy

[38:24] Yeah, I was going to say

[38:25] this is going to be

[38:26] our shortest

[38:26] Flophouse yet.

[38:28] So if you have anything

[38:29] you want to say

[38:30] before we go

[38:31] about Stuart's love life

[38:34] or Stuart wants to say

[38:35] anything about

[38:36] Twin Sitters,

[38:38] this is the time.

Stuart Wellington

[38:40] Yeah, I really want to see

[38:41] the movie Twin Sitters.

[38:42] So if you have a VHS copy

[38:44] of the Barbarian Brothers

[38:46] action comedy,

[38:48] you should mail it

[38:49] to 1345 Fake Street

[38:53] in Anytown, USA,

[38:54] Brooklyn, New York.

[38:56] Wait.

[38:57] Anytown, USA,

[38:58] Brooklyn, New York.

Dan McCoy

[38:59] Yeah, I live in a theme park.

[39:01] Is that okay?

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] It's a neighborhood.

[39:04] It's fine.

[39:04] I can't say anything against it.

[39:06] It's a neighborhood

[39:06] in the borough of Brooklyn.

[39:07] It makes it sound like

[39:08] you go home and go like,

[39:10] time to go to work

[39:11] and you put on a sash

[39:12] that says mayor

[39:12] and a top hat

[39:13] and carry around

[39:15] a pair of giant scissors.

Stuart Wellington

[39:18] Another fucking ribbon cutting.

[39:21] Christ.

Elliott Kalan

[39:22] Why are they opening

[39:23] so many new businesses

[39:24] in any town?

Stuart Wellington

[39:25] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] There's so much

[39:27] urban revitalization

[39:28] in this part of the city.

Stuart Wellington

[39:30] Oh, god damn it.

[39:31] Another fucking cookie factory.

Elliott Kalan

[39:34] Why?

[39:35] The two big industries there

[39:37] are ribbons and scissors.

[39:39] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[39:40] Another novelty

[39:42] scissor creation factory.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] If I could introduce,

[39:47] I don't know,

[39:48] if this goes against anything

[39:48] to put this on the floor,

[39:50] but I think the

[39:51] listener letter segment

[39:52] was such a hit

[39:53] that if any listeners

[39:55] at home have any

[39:56] questions or interesting

[39:57] ideas to put forward

[39:58] to the Flophouse crew

[39:59] that you'd like to see

[40:00] addressed in a future episode,

[40:02] let us know.

[40:03] Yeah.

[40:03] Or if you rent Dragon Wars

[40:04] and want to share

[40:05] your thoughts on it,

[40:06] I mean, do it in written form.

Dan McCoy

[40:08] I think all those things

[40:09] are good suggestions.

[40:09] Or start up your own

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] rival podcast.

[40:12] No, don't do that.

Dan McCoy

[40:13] Call it the Mophouse.

[40:14] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] Today we use Swiffers.

[40:17] What do you guys

[40:18] think about him?

[40:20] Wait, wait a minute.

[40:21] Chicked up a lot of dust.

[40:23] It's not really

[40:23] a rival podcast,

[40:24] so it seems like

[40:25] an entirely different niche.

[40:26] It's going to be called

[40:26] Dragon Wars.

[40:28] While we were sweeping.

[40:29] Let's keep on topic here.

[40:31] Sweeping.

Dan McCoy

[40:33] We attached Dragon Wars

[40:35] to the end of our mop.

[40:36] Didn't seem to do very well

[40:38] in our cleaning tests.

[40:40] Ruined a lot of discs.

[40:43] It did really well

[40:44] in our having dragons

[40:45] in it tests, though.

Stuart Wellington

[40:49] No, that's good.

[40:49] Yeah, that's good.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] Speaking of which,

[40:52] if you want to get in touch

[40:54] with us,

[40:55] like Courtney,

[40:56] last name withheld,

[40:58] you can write us

[40:58] at theflophousepodcast

[41:00] at gmail.com.

[41:02] And also,

[41:02] if you go to

[41:03] theflophousepodcast.blogspot.com,

[41:07] you can get a link to

[41:09] Now We Are on Facebook.

[41:10] Or if you're just on Facebook

[41:11] and you search for groups,

[41:14] the Flophouse group,

[41:15] you can join the Flophouse group

[41:17] and you can do discussions there

[41:18] very easily

[41:19] and do all your

[41:20] Web 2.0 interacting

[41:22] like kids do.

Elliott Kalan

[41:23] It's your one-stop flop shop.

[41:25] Stop shop.

[41:25] What?

[41:26] One-stop flop stop house.

[41:29] The mop house, everyone.

Stuart Wellington

[41:32] Next week,

[41:33] we're talking about

[41:34] Swiffers?

[41:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:37] Classic yarn mops

[41:38] versus polyester mops.

[41:40] Which picks up better?

Dan McCoy

[41:42] Well, anyway,

[41:44] on that note of

[41:45] complete gibberish.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] We have a letter here

[41:46] at the mop house.

[41:47] I have a hardwood flooring

[41:49] in my apartment.

[41:50] And I...

Stuart Wellington

[41:50] I have a problem

[41:51] with cat hands.

[41:54] An older listener.

Dan McCoy

[41:56] For the last time,

[41:57] the mop house

[41:58] is not a podcast

[41:59] for people who want

[42:00] to make a house

[42:01] out of mops.

[42:02] That's building a house

[42:04] out of a mops podcast.

[42:07] Oh, that's good.

[42:09] So, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:11] Dragon Wars

[42:12] was a movie we watched.

[42:14] Wait, you should do

[42:15] the sign-off.

[42:16] I'll do it

[42:17] as if I were you.

[42:18] Okay.

[42:19] Peace out, dudes.

[42:21] Nice.

[42:22] Wait, we were also

[42:23] supposed to say

[42:24] our names though, right?

[42:25] Right.

[42:25] Okay, but that's pretty good.

[42:27] The one with the low,

[42:28] sultry voice

[42:29] is Stuart Wellington.

[42:30] The guy who's talking

[42:31] right now

[42:31] was Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[42:32] And I'm Chris McCool.

[42:34] Good night.

[42:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:39] Oh, man.

[42:40] This podcast

[42:41] was the silliest

[42:42] I think we've had

[42:43] in a while.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] Well, we did watch

[42:45] a movie called

[42:45] Dragon Wars.

[42:49] Let's talk about it

[42:50] until we get bored,

[42:51] which is right now.

[42:52] Actually, we should keep it

Dan McCoy

[42:53] shorter than you

[42:56] without a surprise

[42:57] for you guys.

[42:58] A surprise?

Stuart Wellington

[42:59] Fuck off.

Elliott Kalan

[43:00] I hope each of us

[43:01] gets a key

[43:02] and we have to find out

[43:02] what it goes to.

Stuart Wellington

[43:04] Yep.

[43:06] I hope that we each

[43:07] get part of a sandwich

[43:08] and we have to decide

[43:09] how to make that sandwich

[43:10] using teamwork.

Elliott Kalan

[43:11] But it's one piece of bread,

[43:12] another piece of bread,

[43:13] and a piece of cheese.

Stuart Wellington

[43:15] That would be pretty easy, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] Yeah, it's not a great challenge.

[43:18] All right.

[43:19] Let's start.

The Flop House: Episode #15 - D-Wars: Dragon Wars

Transcript

In this episode

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