The Flop House Movie Minute #10 - Teen Wolf

Dan McCoy

[0:00] And now, the Flophouse Movie Minute.

[0:30] I didn't pay that close attention.

[0:32] As in beef, or as in Shia La...

[0:34] As in for what's for dinner.

[0:35] Oh, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[0:36] Okay, so Ellie, you watched this movie recently, right?

Elliott Kalan

[0:39] Well, some backstory here.

[0:41] My girlfriend knows that Teen Wolf was one of a set of movies that my sister and I,

[0:46] I have a twin sister, that we watched a lot when we were young.

[0:48] A twin sitter?

[0:49] A twin sitter, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[0:50] What else was on that list real quick?

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] The other list, for her, it was...

[0:53] Did you say Teen Wolf 2?

[0:54] It was Teen Wolf, not Teen Wolf 2.

[0:56] Skee-Bitroll?

[0:56] No, it was Teen Wolf for...

[0:58] BMX Bandits?

[1:00] For her, it was Teen Wolf and Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

[1:03] Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

[1:04] For me, it was Gremlins, The Dark Crystal, and Star Wars, but more The Dark Crystal and Gremlins.

[1:12] My sister...

[1:12] So, we watched Ferris Bueller a lot, which is a movie that holds up great,

[1:15] and is a fantastic movie, frankly, that I think is very funny.

[1:18] And we watched Teen Wolf a lot, which she loved.

[1:22] She had a crush, I assume, on Michael J. Fox,

[1:23] but when he wolves out for the first time on the basketball court,

[1:27] she always would hide behind the couch because it was scary.

[1:30] The same way she would hide for the last couple frames in Thriller

[1:33] when he turns around and he's got yellow eyes.

[1:35] She was afraid of people transforming with glowing eyes.

[1:38] So, we saw that it was on AMC, also called Used to Be a Good Movie Channel,

[1:42] and now they cut everything up with commercials.

[1:44] And Danielle says,

[1:46] Oh, Teen Wolf, that was such a big movie in your childhood.

[1:48] We should watch that.

[1:49] I assume half-joking.

[1:50] And I said,

[1:50] We are doing this thing.

[1:52] Let's watch Teen Wolf,

[1:53] because she'd never seen it before.

[1:54] So, we watched the movie,

[1:56] and the first thing that came to me...

[1:57] I haven't seen this movie in probably at least 10 years,

[1:59] is that it's a bad movie.

[2:01] And it's really cheap-looking,

[2:03] and it's really cheaply made,

[2:04] and even the audio...

[2:05] Maybe it was just the way the channel was playing it,

[2:07] but, like, the audio levels were really bad.

[2:09] The music was really loud,

[2:11] and the dialogue was really low.

[2:13] Michael J. Fox is acting in his Michael J. Foxy style,

[2:16] where he's constantly moving his hands around,

[2:18] and he never...

[2:18] Hopping up on counters.

[2:19] Hopping up on counters,

[2:20] but also like,

[2:21] Um, but there's...

[2:23] You're telling me that...

[2:24] He's so...

[2:25] It's straining so hard to get all the words out of his mouth.

[2:27] He's still charming a little bit,

[2:28] but, like, he's lovable but irritating.

[2:31] It's...

[2:31] The movie is about a teenager

[2:33] who is kind of unpopular,

[2:35] and he has a best friend who's a girl

[2:37] who has a crush on him, obviously,

[2:39] and is prettier than the girl he has a crush on,

[2:41] but the girl he has a crush on is blonde,

[2:44] which, because it's an 80s movie,

[2:45] means she's the most beautiful woman in the world,

[2:47] just because she's blonde.

Dan McCoy

[2:48] It's a rare thing to have the hair color blonde,

[2:50] by the way.

[2:50] Apparently.

[2:50] Literally, like, one in a hundred people.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] But in the 80s was like...

[2:53] The 80s was like the era of blondes,

[2:55] and everyone thought blondes were much better.

[2:57] In the 50s, you had famous blondes like Marilyn Monroe,

[3:00] but you also had, you know,

[3:01] famous brunettes or redheads or whatever,

[3:03] but in the 80s, it was like,

[3:04] if you weren't blonde,

[3:05] I'm sorry, I just can't get it up.

[3:07] I'm gonna need you to put on a blonde wig,

[3:08] or dye her hair or something.

[3:10] Daryl Hannah.

[3:11] Yeah.

[3:11] Daryl Hannah, exactly,

[3:12] who would not be as big a star in another decade.

[3:17] But like Madonna also,

[3:19] and people like that.

[3:21] But anyway, there's a lot of issues,

[3:22] but the biggest issue that came up with the movie

[3:25] was about,

[3:25] well, there's also his other best friend,

[3:27] Stiles,

[3:28] who surfs on top of a van,

[3:30] which is a stupid thing to do,

[3:31] to stand on top of a van

[3:33] while it's driving down city streets.

Dan McCoy

[3:35] Man, in my mind, though,

[3:36] Stiles is the hero of that film.

Elliott Kalan

[3:38] I love that guy.

[3:40] He's the dork that nobody likes,

[3:41] but when you put him in a party situation,

[3:43] he's the king of the party.

[3:45] He runs all the games.

[3:46] He's in charge of what's gonna happen next.

Dan McCoy

[3:48] I'll tell you what,

[3:49] you know he's a cool guy

[3:50] because he's named Stiles.

[3:51] Like, everything you need to know

[3:52] about that character

[3:53] is summed up in his character's name.

[3:55] That's his name,

[3:55] and his look.

[3:57] His name is actually

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] Stiles McCool.

[4:01] And he always wears sunglasses.

[4:05] He's always wearing sunglasses,

[4:08] and he's got cool t-shirts,

[4:09] like the one that says,

[4:10] what are you looking at,

[4:11] dick nose.

Stuart Wellington

[4:11] Well, I just want to talk about Teen Wolf.

[4:14] One of the things that I was excited about

[4:15] when I re-watched it recently

[4:17] was the fact that

[4:18] they're fucking,

[4:18] they end up surfing on a van,

[4:20] which,

[4:21] if that movie's rated PG,

[4:23] okay,

[4:23] parental guidance,

[4:24] if that movie had come out nowadays.

[4:25] That's the second lowest rating

Dan McCoy

[4:27] you can get.

[4:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:28] Now, if a movie nowadays

[4:30] came out with teenage kids

[4:32] doing shit like that,

[4:33] it'd be rated R.

[4:34] Ever since the movie

[4:35] The Program came out,

[4:36] where people were like

[4:37] lying in the street

[4:38] and getting run over by cars.

[4:39] Like, you can't do anything crazy.

[4:40] All across the nation.

[4:41] There was a glut

[4:43] of people getting run over by cars.

Elliott Kalan

[4:45] But that's the thing.

[4:46] It was,

[4:46] and I don't remember any stories

[4:47] from the movie came out

[4:48] of kids imitating that

[4:49] and getting hurt,

[4:50] which means kids realize

[4:51] what a stupid thing it is.

Stuart Wellington

[4:53] That only a werewolf

[4:54] could feasibly do that, right?

Elliott Kalan

[4:55] Or someone with the coolness of styles.

[4:57] Yeah.

[4:57] But here's the thing.

[4:58] When he's a werewolf,

[4:59] this was,

[5:00] and now,

[5:00] my girlfriend is not

[5:02] usually the kind of person

[5:03] who makes sarcastic comments

[5:04] at movies,

[5:04] but it was brought out of her

[5:06] by Teen Wolf.

[5:07] Is she frightened of werewolves,

[5:08] though?

[5:08] No.

[5:09] Well, I think if a werewolf

[5:10] attacked her,

[5:10] she'd be scared,

[5:11] but so would I,

[5:12] and I'm not afraid

[5:12] of werewolves normally.

[5:13] Sure.

[5:13] When Michael J. Fox

[5:14] turns into a werewolf,

[5:15] as she pointed out,

[5:16] he looks more like

[5:17] a were-bigfoot.

[5:18] Like, there's hair

[5:19] all over him,

[5:20] but he doesn't have

[5:20] a wolfish face.

[5:21] He has more of a

[5:22] leonine mane.

[5:23] Well, he hasn't learned

Dan McCoy

[5:24] how to maintain

[5:25] his hair,

[5:26] his look as a werewolf.

[5:27] He just looks like

[5:28] a shaggy bigfoot.

[5:29] Like, when his dad

[5:31] turns into a werewolf.

[5:31] Like Harry and the Hendersons.

[5:32] Spoiler.

[5:33] Yes.

[5:33] His dad turns into a werewolf.

[5:34] When his dad

[5:36] he looks like himself,

[5:38] basically.

[5:39] He just has a beard.

[5:40] His dad is very,

[5:41] like, kempt.

[5:42] You know, clearly,

[5:43] the beard that he has

[5:45] as a normal dad

[5:46] has transferred

[5:47] into being a werewolf.

[5:48] He doesn't have a beard

[5:48] when he's not a werewolf.

[5:49] Oh, he doesn't?

[5:50] No.

[5:50] But he looks like

[5:51] he's got a beard,

[5:52] though,

[5:52] when he's a werewolf.

[5:52] No, he's just got

[5:53] a big, meaty face.

[5:54] No, I'm saying

[5:54] that when he becomes

[5:55] a werewolf.

[5:56] That's Teen Wolf 2.

Stuart Wellington

[5:57] Yeah, but he's like

[5:58] a cousin or something?

[5:59] Yes, he's his cousin.

[6:00] Are they the only family

[6:01] that's afflicted with werewolves?

[6:03] Lycanthropy.

[6:03] Yeah, lycanthropy.

Elliott Kalan

[6:05] You'd have to look

[6:05] at their family tree,

[6:06] but I assume it's not...

Stuart Wellington

[6:07] Do they get it

[6:08] from, like, moon rocks?

Elliott Kalan

[6:10] If John Jameson

[6:12] was the progenitor,

[6:12] then yes,

[6:13] that's how it happened.

[6:14] But here's the thing.

[6:15] It must be more widespread,

[6:17] because even though

[6:18] Michael J. Fox

[6:18] is surprised

[6:20] by turning into a werewolf

[6:21] and is noticeably like,

[6:22] what's happening to me?

[6:24] You're saying that I'm...

[6:26] He, like...

[6:27] No one else is...

[6:28] Your hand gestures

Stuart Wellington

[6:29] are conveyed in the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[6:31] Oh, sorry.

[6:32] No one else is really

[6:33] that scared

[6:34] or even surprised.

[6:35] Like, when he first

[6:37] everyone's like,

[6:37] whoa, this is a surprise.

[6:39] All right, everybody,

[6:40] let's play ball,

[6:40] because it's on a basketball court.

Dan McCoy

[6:41] I'll tell you what, too.

[6:43] Well, this isn't covered

[6:45] in the rule book, I guess.

[6:47] Surely, ref,

[6:48] there's got to be

[6:49] a rule against werewolves.

Elliott Kalan

[6:50] I'll allow it.

[6:50] Like, but like,

[6:52] once...

[6:52] And also,

[6:53] he's on a terrible

[6:54] basketball team.

[6:55] They have a really fat kid

[6:56] on the team

[6:56] who would get cut

[6:57] from any team in the country.

Dan McCoy

[6:59] The fat kid, Francis,

[7:00] from Pee-wee's Big Adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[7:01] Yes, and he's great

[7:02] in Pee-wee's Big Adventure.

[7:03] Not so much in this.

[7:04] Being a werewolf

[7:05] makes him so good

[7:06] that he makes it

[7:07] a winning team.

[7:08] And he's, like, dunking

[7:09] and he's making

[7:10] really good shots

[7:10] and he's stealing the ball

[7:11] from guys on his own team

[7:12] because he's a hot dogger

[7:13] while he's a werewolf.

[7:15] The thing is...

[7:15] Just like a normal wolf.

[7:17] And they put...

[7:17] Yeah, and they put...

[7:19] Your average basketball

[7:20] up wearing wolves.

[7:20] Because werewolves

[7:21] are really good at basketball.

[7:22] I mean, wolves

[7:22] are really good at basketball.

[7:23] But his picture

[7:24] is in the school paper

[7:25] and this was brought up

[7:27] by someone else

[7:28] outside of this podcast, but...

[7:29] Bill Hickey.

[7:30] Our friend Bill Hickey.

[7:31] Yeah, you'd think

[7:32] that the rival teams

[7:34] when they went

[7:34] to other schools

[7:36] to play would be like,

[7:37] you gotta watch out

[7:38] for the Beacon team

[7:39] because they've got

[7:39] a werewolf on their team.

[7:41] Like, no one seems

[7:42] to be so surprised by it.

[7:43] The information

[7:43] doesn't get around.

[7:44] It's not even

[7:45] like a local newscast.

[7:46] When you look at, like,

[7:47] the movie...

[7:48] What's that?

[7:49] I can't remember.

[7:49] The guy who made

[7:50] Henry Fool,

[7:51] he made that movie

[7:52] No Such Thing

[7:53] or Doesn't Exist

[7:53] or whatever

[7:54] about a monster

[7:54] who gets discovered.

[7:55] And the monster

[7:56] is basically

[7:56] just a hard-drinking guy

[7:57] with horns.

[7:58] That becomes

[7:59] a media firestorm.

[8:00] But in this movie,

[8:01] a genuine werewolf

[8:02] who's great at basketball,

[8:04] among other things,

[8:05] and can surf on roofs

[8:07] and stars

[8:07] in a Civil War-based

[8:08] school play.

[8:09] The real problem

[8:10] with the movie

[8:10] is that you never

[8:11] get to see

[8:11] the Civil War play

[8:12] with the werewolf in it.

[8:14] And I really want

[8:14] to know how the...

[8:15] Did you say foreplay?

[8:16] What?

[8:17] No, Civil War play.

[8:18] Oh, that makes more sense.

[8:19] I really would love

[8:20] to see that play

[8:20] and see how they wrote

[8:21] into this play set

[8:23] during the Civil War

[8:24] that one of the soldiers

[8:25] is a werewolf.

Dan McCoy

[8:26] Are you saying

[8:26] there were no werewolves

[8:27] that fought in the Civil War?

[8:28] They probably did,

[8:30] but they hid it.

Elliott Kalan

[8:31] They hid it

[8:31] because people

[8:31] weren't tolerant.

[8:33] They were probably

[8:33] segregating

[8:34] into their own werewolf packs.

[8:35] I would imagine

Elliott Kalan

[8:35] there's even fewer

Stuart Wellington

[8:35] silver bullets

[8:36] to worry about.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] Well, at that point,

[8:37] silver was rationed,

[8:38] I think, probably.

[8:39] Yeah, I would imagine.

[8:40] Pewter bullets, maybe.

[8:41] To build railroads

[8:41] or whatever.

[8:42] Yeah.

[8:42] I think werewolves

[8:43] at the time

[8:44] were more worried

[8:44] about gangrene,

[8:45] I think.

[8:45] You don't want

[8:46] to be a werewolf

[8:47] missing a leg.

Dan McCoy

[8:47] So this has been

[8:48] Werewolf History Podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] It's called

[8:51] If Werewolves

[8:52] Were in History.

[8:53] Harry Turtleduff,

[8:54] where are you?

[8:54] Write this book.

[8:56] The Werewolves of August.

[8:57] Done.

[8:57] World War I

[8:58] with werewolves.

[8:59] Perfect.

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] Stuart, any last words?

[9:01] Gods and Werewolves,

[9:03] a Civil War story.

Dan McCoy

[9:06] By Jeff Shara.

[9:08] You know,

[9:10] the dad seems

[9:10] very concerned.

[9:11] Like, oh,

[9:12] we can't get this.

[9:13] We can't let this out.

[9:14] This is our family secret.

[9:15] Don't tell anyone.

[9:16] It's his pop secret.

[9:17] We're all werewolves.

[9:18] Once the secret comes out,

[9:19] there are literally,

[9:20] literally no ill effects

[9:22] to that.

Elliott Kalan

[9:22] No, people love him.

[9:23] He's the big man on campus.

[9:25] People do a werewolf dance.

[9:26] And this is why...

Dan McCoy

[9:27] No one shows up

[9:28] with silver bullets.

[9:30] They're like,

[9:30] we have to kill

[9:31] the abomination.

Elliott Kalan

[9:32] At one point,

[9:33] he leaves school

[9:34] and there's a crowd

[9:35] of children asking him

[9:36] for his autograph.

[9:37] And Danielle says,

[9:38] parents are letting

[9:39] their children hang out

[9:40] with the werewolf?

[9:41] Like, what kind of parents

Dan McCoy

[9:42] are these?

[9:43] This werewolf doesn't

[9:45] appear to crave blood

[9:47] or anything.

Stuart Wellington

[9:47] Well, part of it,

[9:48] I think,

[9:48] is frankly,

[9:49] I think you guys

[9:50] are coming from

[9:51] a very anti-werewolf

[9:53] background, okay?

[9:54] You've been watching

[9:55] The Howling.

[9:55] Maybe your parents

[9:56] hate werewolves.

[9:57] I understand that.

[9:58] Like, it's fair.

[9:59] But the thing is...

[10:00] My parents do hate werewolves.

[10:01] The thing is,

[10:02] like,

[10:02] I think you're prejudiced

[10:03] against werewolves.

[10:05] You have to assume

[10:05] some of the other people

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] in the movie

[10:07] would be prejudiced

[10:07] against werewolves,

Stuart Wellington

[10:08] though.

[10:09] I mean,

[10:09] obviously,

[10:10] if a werewolf

[10:11] was taking my job

[10:12] or was like,

[10:13] it kicked me off...

[10:14] I lost my position

[10:15] on the basketball team

[10:16] because this werewolf

[10:17] was so much better than me.

[10:18] I hear they're just

[10:20] naturally good at it.

[10:21] And like,

[10:22] I don't know,

[10:22] I guess I would get

[10:23] frustrated then.

[10:24] And then I would probably

[10:25] invest in some wolf's bane,

[10:26] maybe some white phosphorus

[10:28] rounds for my shotgun.

[10:30] You might join

Dan McCoy

[10:31] a non-werewolf supremacy group

[10:33] is what you're saying.

[10:33] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[10:35] Also,

[10:35] Michael J. Fox

[10:36] doesn't have a mother.

[10:37] I have to assume

[10:37] the father,

[10:38] in a fit of rage

[10:39] one month,

[10:40] as a werewolf,

[10:41] killed her

[10:42] and then hid the body.

Stuart Wellington

[10:43] Or possibly

[10:44] that Michael J. Fox

[10:45] tore his way

[10:46] out of the womb.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] That's also true,

[10:48] as premonition

[10:48] should have ended.

[10:49] And as It's Alive starts.

[10:51] But the big regret

[10:53] that I realized

[10:53] before we recorded

[10:54] this podcast

[10:54] was that I said to Danielle,

[10:56] it was getting late,

[10:57] Danielle,

[10:58] once you've seen him

[10:58] play basketball,

[10:59] you've pretty much

[11:00] got the movie.

[11:00] You don't need to see anymore.

[11:02] But we cut off

[11:02] before the scene

[11:03] with the school dance

[11:04] where the werewolf dance

[11:06] is introduced

[11:06] and everyone does it

[11:08] and they look like idiots.

[11:09] And I regret that.

[11:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:10] I just wanted to say

[11:11] before we wrap up,

[11:13] that the aforementioned

[11:14] Bill Hickey,

[11:15] my roommate in college,

[11:17] a good friend of Stuart's

[11:18] and mine,

[11:19] always said that

[11:19] Teen Wolf is a celebration

[11:21] of mediocrity.

[11:23] Basically,

[11:24] the moral of the film

[11:25] apparently is

[11:26] you could be the wolf,

[11:28] you could have it all,

[11:29] you could excel,

[11:30] but he gives it up.

[11:31] He gives it up to be normal

[11:32] and he gives it up

[11:33] to be normal

[11:34] because everyone's mad

[11:35] at him on the basketball team.

[11:37] But the thing is

[11:38] they're mad at him

[11:38] because he's a hot dog

[11:40] or he hogs the ball.

[11:41] If he'd shared the ball,

[11:43] they would all be happy

[11:44] that it was a werewolf.

[11:45] I fucking hate hot dogs

Elliott Kalan

[11:46] in general.

[11:47] Even like Nathan's hot dogs?

[11:49] No,

Stuart Wellington

[11:49] I like the food hot dogs.

[11:50] I don't like people

[11:51] who act like hot dogs.

[11:52] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[11:52] I can understand that.

[11:53] So,

[11:54] I guess what I realized

[11:55] watching the movie again

[11:56] was,

[11:56] why did my parents

[11:57] let us watch this so often?

[11:59] And I think

[11:59] when I have children,

[12:00] I'm going to try

[12:00] to quality control

[12:01] what 80s movies

[12:02] they watch a little bit better.

[12:04] Especially since,

[12:05] like,

[12:05] again,

[12:05] teens drinking,

[12:06] having sex with each other,

[12:07] turning into werewolves,

[12:09] turning into werewolves,

[12:11] and eventually,

[12:12] oh,

[12:12] and also that a guy

[12:13] pulls his penis out

[12:14] at one point,

[12:14] but that's all the way

[12:15] on the side of the frame.

Stuart Wellington

[12:17] My parents probably

[12:18] let me watch it

[12:19] because,

[12:19] frankly,

[12:19] they didn't really

[12:20] give a shit.

Elliott Kalan

[12:21] I mean,

[12:22] I'm sure that's the reason

[12:23] for us.

[12:23] I'm sure my parents

[12:24] are like,

[12:24] that's a stupid movie.

[12:25] Whatever, kids.

Stuart Wellington

[12:26] Enjoy your little

[12:27] werewolf pictures.

[12:28] Enjoy that,

[12:29] and then gremlins.

[12:30] Werewolf flicker.

[12:33] Oh, so Teen Wolf,

[12:35] good movie.

[12:36] No,

[12:36] terrible movie,

Elliott Kalan

[12:37] but if you want to see

[12:38] what the 80s looked like,

[12:39] Teen Wolf.

The Flop House Movie Minute #10 - Teen Wolf

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