The Flop House Movie Minute #10 - Teen Wolf

[0:00] And now, the Flophouse Movie Minute.

[0:03] I'm going to be quiet for three, two...

[0:13] So, we're talking about Teen Wolf.

[0:16] Hey, what's Teen Wolf, Dan? Can you clarify real quick?

[0:18] Well, it's a movie about a teenage werewolf.

[0:20] Oh yeah, that fucking movie. I saw that shit when I was a kid, right?

[0:23] It's got that character Stiles and Babs.

[0:25] Yeah.

[0:26] Is it named Babs or Booth?

[0:27] I don't remember.

[0:28] No, her name's Boof.

[0:29] Boof. I didn't pay that close attention.

[0:32] As in beef, or as in Shia La...

[0:34] As in for what's for dinner.

[0:36] Oh, sure. Okay, so Ellie, you watched this movie recently, right?

[0:39] Well, some backstory here.

[0:41] My girlfriend knows that Teen Wolf was one of a set of movies that my sister and I,

[0:46] I have a twin sister, that we watched a lot when we were young.

[0:49] A twin sitter?

[0:50] A twin sitter, yeah.

[0:51] What else was on that list real quick?

[0:52] The other list for her...

[0:53] Did you say Teen Wolf 2?

[0:54] It was Teen Wolf, not Teen Wolf 2.

[0:56] Ski Patrol?

[0:57] No, it was Teen Wolf...

[0:58] BMX Bandits?

[1:01] It was Teen Wolf and Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

[1:03] Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

[1:04] For me, it was Gremlins, The Dark Crystal, and Star Wars,

[1:09] but more The Dark Crystal and Gremlins.

[1:11] My sister, so we watched Ferris Bueller a lot, which is a movie that holds up great

[1:15] and is a fantastic movie, frankly, that I think is very funny.

[1:18] And we watched Teen Wolf a lot, which she loved.

[1:22] She had a crush, I assume, on Michael J. Fox,

[1:24] but when he wolfs out for the first time on the basketball court,

[1:27] she always would hide behind the couch because it was scary,

[1:30] the same way she would hide for the last couple frames in Thriller

[1:33] when he turns around and he's got yellow eyes.

[1:35] She was afraid of people transforming with glowing eyes.

[1:38] So we saw that it was on AMC, also called Used To Be A Good Movie Channel,

[1:42] and now they cut everything up with commercials,

[1:44] and Danielle says,

[1:46] Oh, Teen Wolf, that was such a big movie in your childhood,

[1:48] we should watch that.

[1:49] I assume half-joking, and I said,

[1:50] We are doing this thing.

[1:52] Let's watch Teen Wolf, because she'd never seen it before.

[1:54] So we watched the movie, and the first thing that came to mind,

[1:57] I haven't seen this movie in probably at least 10 years,

[1:59] is that it's a bad movie, and it's really cheap-looking,

[2:03] and it's really cheaply made,

[2:04] and maybe it was just the way the channel was playing it,

[2:07] but the audio levels were really bad,

[2:09] the music was really loud, and the dialogue was really low.

[2:13] Michael J. Fox is acting in his Michael J. Fox-y style,

[2:16] where he's constantly moving his hands around.

[2:18] Hopping up on counters.

[2:20] Hopping up on counters, but also like,

[2:21] Um, but you're telling me that...

[2:25] It's straining so hard to get all the words out of his mouth.

[2:28] He's still charming a little bit,

[2:29] but he's lovable, but irritating.

[2:31] The movie is about a teenager who is kind of unpopular,

[2:36] and he has a best friend who's a girl,

[2:38] who has a crush on him, obviously,

[2:39] and is prettier than the girl he has a crush on,

[2:42] but the girl he has a crush on is blonde,

[2:44] which, because it's an 80s movie,

[2:45] means she's the most beautiful woman in the world,

[2:47] just because she's blonde.

[2:48] It's a rare thing to have the hair color blonde, by the way.

[2:50] Apparently.

[2:51] Literally, like, one in a hundred people.

[2:52] But in the 80s, it was like,

[2:53] the 80s was like the era of blondes,

[2:55] and everyone thought blondes were much better.

[2:57] In the 50s, you had famous blondes like Marilyn Monroe,

[3:00] but you also had, you know,

[3:01] famous brunettes or redheads or whatever,

[3:03] but in the 80s, it was like,

[3:04] if you were a blonde, I'm sorry, I just can't get it up,

[3:07] I'm going to need you to put on a blonde wig

[3:08] or dye your hair or something.

[3:10] Daryl Hanna.

[3:11] Daryl Hanna, exactly,

[3:12] who would not be as big a star in another decade.

[3:16] But like, Madonna also, and people like that.

[3:19] But anyway, there's a lot of issues,

[3:21] but the biggest issue that came up with the movie was about,

[3:24] well, there's also his other best friend, Styles,

[3:27] who surfs on top of a van,

[3:29] which is a stupid thing to do,

[3:30] to stand on top of a van while it's driving down city streets.

[3:34] Man, in my mind, though,

[3:35] Styles is the hero of that film.

[3:37] I love that guy.

[3:38] He's the dork that nobody likes,

[3:40] but when you put him in a party situation,

[3:42] he's the king of the party,

[3:43] he runs all the games,

[3:44] he's in charge of what's going to happen next.

[3:46] I'll tell you what, you know he's a cool guy

[3:48] because he's named Styles.

[3:49] Like, everything you need to know about that character

[3:51] is summed up in his character's name.

[3:53] That's his given name, right?

[3:54] Yeah, sure.

[3:55] His name is actually Styles McCool.

[3:58] Nice.

[3:59] And he always wears sunglasses.

[4:00] He's Drew McCool's brother.

[4:02] He's always wearing sunglasses,

[4:05] and he's got cool t-shirts,

[4:06] like the one that says,

[4:07] what are you looking at, dick nose.

[4:09] Well, I just want to clarify,

[4:12] Well, I just want to talk about Teen Wolf.

[4:14] One of the things that I was excited about

[4:16] when I re-watched it recently

[4:17] was the fact that they end up surfing on a van,

[4:20] which, if that movie's rated PG,

[4:23] parental guidance,

[4:24] if that movie had come out nowadays,

[4:26] That's the second lowest rating you can get.

[4:28] Yeah.

[4:29] Now, if a movie nowadays came out

[4:31] with teenage kids doing shit like that,

[4:33] it'd be rated R.

[4:34] Ever since the movie The Program came out,

[4:36] where people were lining the street

[4:38] and getting run over by cars,

[4:40] All across the nation,

[4:41] there was a glut of people getting run over by cars.

[4:46] And I don't remember any stories

[4:47] from when the movie came out

[4:48] of kids imitating that and getting hurt,

[4:50] which means kids realize what a stupid thing it is.

[4:53] Only a werewolf could feasibly do that.

[4:55] Or someone with the coolness of Styles.

[4:57] But here's the thing,

[4:58] when he's a werewolf,

[4:59] this was, and now,

[5:00] my girlfriend is not usually the kind of person

[5:03] who makes sarcastic comments at movies,

[5:04] but it was brought out of her by Teen Wolf.

[5:07] Is she frightened of werewolves, though?

[5:08] No.

[5:09] Well, I think if a werewolf attacked her,

[5:10] she'd be scared, but so would I,

[5:11] and I'm not afraid of werewolves normally.

[5:13] Sure.

[5:14] When Michael J. Fox turns into a werewolf,

[5:15] as she pointed out,

[5:16] he looks more like a were-Bigfoot.

[5:18] Like, there's hair all over him,

[5:19] but he doesn't have a wolfish face.

[5:21] He has more of a leonine mane around his head.

[5:23] Well, he hasn't learned how to maintain his hair,

[5:26] his look as a werewolf.

[5:27] He just looks like a shaggy Bigfoot.

[5:29] Like, when his dad turns into a werewolf.

[5:31] Like Harry and the Hendersons.

[5:32] Spoiler!

[5:33] His dad turns into a werewolf.

[5:34] When his dad turns into a werewolf,

[5:36] he looks like himself.

[5:37] He looks like himself, basically.

[5:39] He just has a beard.

[5:41] His dad is very, like, kimped.

[5:43] You know, clearly,

[5:44] the beard that he has as a normal dad

[5:46] has transferred into being a werewolf.

[5:48] He doesn't actually have a beard

[5:49] when he's not a werewolf.

[5:50] Oh, he doesn't?

[5:51] I just remember,

[5:52] but he looks like he's got a beard, though.

[5:53] No, he's just got a big, meaty face.

[5:54] I know.

[5:55] I'm saying that when he becomes a werewolf.

[5:56] That's Teen Wolf 2.

[5:57] Yeah, but he's like a cousin or something?

[5:59] Yes, he's his cousin.

[6:00] Is that the only family that's afflicted with werewolves?

[6:03] Lycanthropy.

[6:04] Yeah, lycanthropy.

[6:05] You'd have to look at their family tree,

[6:06] but I assume it's not...

[6:07] Do they get it from, like, moon rocks?

[6:10] If John Jameson was the progenitor,

[6:12] then yes, that's how it happened.

[6:14] But here's the thing.

[6:15] It must be more widespread,

[6:17] because even though Michael J. Fox

[6:19] is surprised by turning into a werewolf

[6:21] and is noticeably like,

[6:22] What's happening to me?

[6:24] You're saying that I'm...

[6:26] He, like...

[6:27] Your hand gestures are conveyed in the podcast.

[6:31] Oh, sorry.

[6:32] No one else is really that scared

[6:34] or even surprised.

[6:35] Like, when he first turns into a werewolf,

[6:36] everyone's like,

[6:37] Whoa, this is a surprise.

[6:38] All right, everybody, let's play ball.

[6:40] It's on a basketball court.

[6:41] I'll tell you what, too.

[6:43] Well, this isn't covered in the rule book, I guess.

[6:47] Surely, Rep, there's got to be a rule against werewolves.

[6:49] I'll allow it.

[6:51] And also, he's on a terrible basketball team.

[6:54] They have a really fat kid on the team

[6:56] who would get cut from any team in the country.

[6:58] The fat kid, Francis, from Pee-wee's Big Adventure.

[7:01] Yes, and he's great in Pee-wee's Big Adventure.

[7:03] Not so much in this.

[7:04] Being a werewolf makes him so good

[7:06] that he makes it a winning team.

[7:08] And he's, like, dunking,

[7:09] and he's making really good shots,

[7:11] and he's stealing the ball from guys on his own team

[7:13] because he's a hot dogger while he's a werewolf.

[7:15] Just like a normal wolf.

[7:17] And they put his picture...

[7:19] Your average basketball-pointing wolf.

[7:21] Because werewolves are really good at basketball.

[7:22] I mean, wolves are really good at basketball.

[7:24] But his picture is in the school paper,

[7:26] and this was brought up by someone else

[7:28] outside of this podcast, but...

[7:30] Bill Hickey, our friend Bill Hickey.

[7:32] You'd think that the rival teams,

[7:34] when they went to other schools to play,

[7:36] would be like,

[7:37] you gotta watch out for the Beacon team

[7:39] because they've got a werewolf on their team.

[7:41] Like, no one seems to be so surprised by it.

[7:43] The information doesn't get around.

[7:44] It's not even, like, a local newscast.

[7:46] When you look at, like, the movie...

[7:48] What's that? I can't remember.

[7:49] The guy who made Henry Fool,

[7:51] he made that movie No Such Thing or Doesn't Exist or whatever

[7:54] about a monster who gets discovered.

[7:56] And the monster is basically just a hard-drinking guy with horns.

[7:58] That becomes a media firestorm.

[8:00] But in this movie, a genuine werewolf

[8:02] who's great at basketball,

[8:04] among other things,

[8:05] and can surf on roofs and stars

[8:07] in a Civil War-based school play.

[8:09] The real problem with the movie is that

[8:11] you never get to see the Civil War play

[8:13] with the werewolf in it.

[8:14] And I really want to know how the...

[8:15] Did you say foreplay?

[8:16] What? No, Civil War play.

[8:18] Oh, that makes more sense.

[8:19] I really would love to see that play

[8:21] and see how they wrote into this play set

[8:23] during the Civil War

[8:24] that one of the soldiers is a werewolf.

[8:26] Are you saying there were no werewolves

[8:28] that fought in the Civil War?

[8:29] At times, they probably did,

[8:30] but they hid it.

[8:31] They hid it because people weren't tolerant.

[8:33] They were probably segregating

[8:34] into their own werewolf packs.

[8:37] Well, at that point, silver was rationed,

[8:38] I think, probably.

[8:39] Yeah, I would imagine.

[8:40] Pewter bullets, maybe.

[8:41] To build railroads or whatever.

[8:42] Yeah.

[8:43] I think werewolves at the time

[8:44] were more worried about gangrene, I think.

[8:46] You don't want to be a werewolf missing a leg.

[8:48] So this has been Werewolf History Podcast.

[8:50] It's called If Werewolves Were in History.

[8:53] Harry Turtledove, where are you?

[8:55] Write this book.

[8:56] The Werewolves of August.

[8:57] Done.

[8:58] World War I with werewolves.

[8:59] Perfect.

[9:00] Stuart, any last words?

[9:01] Gods and Werewolves.

[9:03] A Civil War Story.

[9:06] By Jeff Shara.

[9:09] You know, the dad seems very concerned.

[9:11] Like, oh, we can't get this.

[9:13] It's our family secret.

[9:15] Don't tell anyone.

[9:16] It's his pop secret.

[9:17] We're all werewolves.

[9:18] Once the secret comes out,

[9:19] there are literally no ill effects to that.

[9:22] No, people love him.

[9:23] He's the big man on campus.

[9:24] People do a werewolf dance.

[9:26] And this is why...

[9:27] No one shows up with silver bullets.

[9:29] Like, we have to kill the abomination.

[9:32] At one point, he leaves school

[9:34] and there's a crowd of children asking him for his autograph.

[9:37] And Danielle says,

[9:38] parents are letting their children hang out with the werewolf?

[9:41] Like, what kind of parents are these?

[9:43] This werewolf doesn't appear to crave blood or anything.

[9:47] Well, part of it, I think, is, frankly,

[9:49] I think you guys are coming from a very anti-werewolf background, okay?

[9:54] You've been watching The Howling.

[9:55] Maybe your parents hate werewolves.

[9:57] I understand that.

[9:58] Like, it's fair.

[9:59] But the thing is...

[10:00] My parents do hate werewolves.

[10:01] The thing is, like, I think you're prejudiced against werewolves.

[10:05] You have to assume some of the other people in the movie

[10:07] would be prejudiced against werewolves, though.

[10:09] I mean, obviously, if a werewolf was taking my job

[10:12] or was, like, it kicked me out.

[10:14] I lost my position on the basketball team

[10:16] because this werewolf was so much better than me.

[10:18] I hear they, like, they're just naturally good at it.

[10:21] And, like, I don't know.

[10:22] I guess I would get frustrated then.

[10:24] And then I would probably invest in some Wolfsbane.

[10:26] Maybe some white prosperous rounds for my shotgun.

[10:30] You might join a non-werewolf supremacy group, is what you're saying.

[10:34] Yeah, exactly.

[10:35] Also, Michael J. Fox doesn't have a mother.

[10:37] I have to assume the father, in a fit of rage,

[10:39] one month, as a werewolf, killed her and then hid the body.

[10:43] Or possibly that Michael J. Fox tore his way out of the womb.

[10:47] That's also true, as premonition should have ended.

[10:49] And as It's Alive starts.

[10:51] But the big regret that I realized before we recorded this podcast

[10:54] was that I said to Danielle, it was getting late,

[10:57] Danielle, once you've seen him play basketball,

[10:59] you've pretty much got the movie.

[11:01] You don't need to see any more.

[11:02] But we cut off before the scene with the school dance

[11:04] where the werewolf dance is introduced,

[11:07] and everyone does it, and they look like idiots.

[11:09] And I regret that.

[11:10] Yeah.

[11:11] I just wanted to say, before we wrap up,

[11:13] that the aforementioned Bill Hickey,

[11:15] my roommate in college, a good friend of Stuart's and mine,

[11:19] always said that Teen Wolf is a celebration of mediocrity.

[11:22] Basically, the moral of the film, apparently, is

[11:26] you could be the wolf, you could have it all.

[11:29] You could excel.

[11:30] But he gives it up.

[11:31] He gives it up to be normal.

[11:33] And he gives it up to be normal because

[11:35] everyone's mad at him on the basketball team.

[11:37] But the thing is, they're mad at him because he's a hot dog,

[11:40] or he hogs the ball.

[11:42] If he'd shared the ball, they would all be happy that he's a werewolf.

[11:45] I fucking hate hot dogs.

[11:47] In general.

[11:48] Do you even like Nathan's hot dogs?

[11:49] No, I like the food hot dogs.

[11:51] I don't like people who act like hot dogs.

[11:53] Yeah, I can understand that.

[11:54] So I guess what I realized watching the movie again was

[11:57] why did my parents let us watch this so often?

[11:59] And I think when I have children,

[12:01] I'm going to try to quality control

[12:02] what 80s movies they watch a little bit better.

[12:04] Especially since, again, it's teens drinking,

[12:07] having sex with each other.

[12:08] Turning into werewolves.

[12:09] Smoking pot, turning into werewolves.

[12:11] And eventually, oh, and also that a guy pulls his penis out at one point.

[12:15] But that's all the way on the side of the frame.

[12:17] My parents probably let me watch it because, frankly,

[12:19] they didn't really give a shit.

[12:21] I mean, I'm sure that's the reason for us.

[12:23] I'm sure my parents are like,

[12:24] that's a stupid movie.

[12:25] Whatever, kids.

[12:26] Enjoy your little werewolf pictures.

[12:28] Enjoy that and then gremlins.

[12:30] Werewolf flicker.

[12:34] Oh, so Teen Wolf, good movie.

[12:36] No, terrible movie.

[12:37] But if you want to see what the 80s looked like, Teen Wolf.

[12:47] You

The Flop House Movie Minute #10 - Teen Wolf

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