The Flop House: Episode #20 - 10,000 B.C.

[0:00] On this special unedited episode of the Flophouse, we take a trip in our shitty movie time machine back to 10,000 BC.

[0:30] Welcome to your favorite podcast, the Flophouse!

[1:00] Welcome to the Flophouse!

[10:00] There was our Caucasian hero, there was our Middle Eastern hero, there was our sort of,

[10:05] there was a black hero, there was a Eurasian hero, maybe a Pacific Islander, maybe a couple

[10:13] of Inuits.

[10:14] Now that was under the impression that at that time in history, everyone was pretty

[10:22] much the same race.

[10:23] Yeah, well the races sort of like, there were different races for different areas because

[10:28] there wasn't a lot of travel, say, between vastly different geographic areas.

[10:33] I don't know, they had boats, they had boats, and they hadn't discovered the wheel yet,

[10:38] but they could have.

[10:39] There was a couple of four-legged demons.

[10:40] Yeah, those were horses.

[10:42] They didn't know how to ride horses.

[10:44] There's a prophecy about a four, their village is going to be destroyed by four-legged demons,

[10:48] and we know it's men on horseback because there's a flash to an image of men on horseback.

[10:52] Oh, that's what that was.

[10:53] But then when the men on horseback arrive, everyone's like, four-legged demons, ah!

[10:58] But there's no sense of awe, like, I've never seen this before.

[11:01] It's just like, oh yeah, these are the four-legged demons that we got told about.

[11:04] Makes sense.

[11:05] Clearly.

[11:06] Well, let's go.

[11:07] Now it all's falling into place.

[11:08] Let's stop getting murdered.

[11:09] The only time the characters ever really seem to be impressed by anything is when they see

[11:12] boats, and that's, you know, not that impressed.

[11:16] I guess if you've never seen one before.

[11:17] Yeah, it's a boat, dude, with a big crazy sail.

[11:22] People are drawn to the sea.

[11:23] That's what Ishmael has taught me.

[11:24] That's true.

[11:25] I was going to say that there was like this weird multi-ethnic prehistory to the point

[11:29] where I was kind of expecting a character with a French or an Italian accent to come

[11:33] in as the comic relief, and be like, you know, the men who have taken our women and children,

[11:40] they are there in the large village with the stone mountains.

[11:44] And then someone would be like, eh, we gotta get a back of these guys, you know, and so

[11:48] forth.

[11:49] Sure like a Wisecrack.

[11:50] We gotta jump on the giant turtles and get them back.

[11:56] I was expecting, there were no giant turtles, unfortunately, I was expecting like a Frenchman

[12:00] to join in the battle at the end and stab someone with a spear and then go, ho ho, and

[12:04] then run off and do it again.

[12:06] That sounds like a Roland Emmerich movie.

[12:09] He directed The Patriot.

[12:10] Yeah, let's talk about this.

[12:11] Roland Emmerich was the director of this, one of the team of people that did Independence

[12:18] Day and Godzilla.

[12:19] Was it Dean Devlin was the other one?

[12:21] Yeah.

[12:22] I think he wasn't involved in this.

[12:23] No, he was not.

[12:24] And, from what I can see, Devlin was the talent in that group.

[12:29] Oh yeah, because the stuff they made together was brilliant.

[12:32] No, well I'm just saying.

[12:33] This was a real Powell and Pressburger team, you know?

[12:37] This was Stanley and Jack Kirby, together they captured a magic that neither could recapture.

[12:41] You misunderstand my point entirely, Elliot.

[12:43] I'm saying the movies made before that were not great, but were not as shitty as this

[12:49] one.

[12:50] This was a real Bob and David team.

[12:51] So, the good stuff, whatever good stuff was in that earlier film, has been wiped out by

[12:56] this point.

[12:57] So, Devlin must have been responsible for whatever tempering to the bad stuff.

[13:00] Your memory of those movies is colored by the fact that you just said they're 10,000

[13:04] B.C. and not through Godzilla or The Patriot.

[13:08] I would rather watch Independence Day 100 times before saying 10,000 B.C. again.

[13:14] I would rather watch The Patriot 10,000 B.C. times than one 10,000 B.C. time.

[13:22] Not even a joke.

[13:24] It is interesting that I don't know what caused the rift in the Devlin-Emerick relationship,

[13:31] but I don't know what Devlin has up his sleeve, but Emerick is batting, he whiffed with this

[13:37] one.

[13:38] All I can imagine is a weird late-night TNA comedy or TNA thriller type situation where

[13:46] one guy slept with the other guy's wife, and he thought he killed him, but he didn't, so

[13:49] he came back from the grave to make 10,000 B.C.

[13:52] I think that's an elaborate backstory for this film.

[13:56] But it sounds good, right?

[13:57] I think that the Zucker-Abrams-Zucker breakup should figure into this somehow, and Devlin

[14:02] and Abrams are off somewhere making a film together.

[14:04] Making some sort of big-budget parody CGI movie.

[14:09] Parody of 10,000 B.C.

[14:10] One can only hope.

[14:11] Yeah.

[14:12] It's probably just going to be called Caveman movie or something like that.

[14:15] Caveman.

[14:16] Starring Ringo Starr.

[14:17] But here's the thing.

[14:18] They make these big action movies.

[14:20] They made Godzilla, which has a fair share of action, although it's all bad.

[14:23] They made The Patriot, which has some ludicrous action, but Independence Day, which is things

[14:28] blowing up all over the place.

[14:30] This movie promised big action in its commercials.

[14:32] It promised nothing but mammoth stampede.

[14:35] Non-stop animal fighting, but when you watch it, there's so much of people just wandering

[14:39] around in deserts or mountains.

[14:41] There's so much walking in the movie.

[14:42] That's the way life was, dude.

[14:44] Well, apparently, we didn't need to see all of it.

[14:46] They could have gapped it.

[14:47] You could have lied to that.

[14:48] The fact that...

[14:49] Oh, I guess you're right.

[14:50] Like, in Independence Day...

[14:51] I guess you're...

[14:52] That's not what life is all about.

[14:53] You're like, wait a minute.

[14:54] All those other good movies I see, I don't see a bunch of shots of people walking into

[14:58] cars and driving places.

[14:59] They're not always boring, you know?

[15:02] Probably even...

[15:03] What was that movie where Wesley Snipes kills the president?

[15:06] 1600?

[15:07] 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

[15:09] Oh, Murder at 1600.

[15:12] That's one of my...

[15:13] I always wanted to do a double feature where Dennis Miller plays the jokey sidekick in

[15:18] a thriller, and it would be that and The Net as a double feature.

[15:21] I've never seen that movie, but my brother told me the most hilarious sort of summation

[15:26] of that film wherein Wesley Snipes, in order to clear his name, sneaks into the White House

[15:32] and the way he does it is to pretend that he's a janitor and puts his head down and

[15:37] whistles as he pushes his thing along.

[15:39] He's like, oh, that's not suspicious at all.

[15:41] That janitor, putting his head down and whistling.

[15:44] He must be part of the union.

[15:46] Yeah.

[15:47] Yeah, it's a great movie.

[15:49] So what I was saying is in that movie...

[15:51] There was a spate of presidential murderer movies for a while.

[15:55] Murder at 1600, Absolute Power.

[15:57] Yeah, that was with Gene Hackman.

[16:00] Yep, that was Gene Hackman and Clint Eastwood.

[16:03] Clint Eastwood plays a thief, right?

[16:05] Yes.

[16:06] Well, the thing about Passenger 57 is that I learned a really important lesson, and that's

[16:10] that I should always bet on black.

[16:13] But once you go black, you don't go back.

[16:15] So just be prepared for that.

[16:16] Wait, did you learn that in that movie, or was that just in general?

[16:18] I don't know.

[16:19] I think I learned that in The School of Life.

[16:21] Oh, yeah.

[16:22] No kidding.

[16:23] Isn't that the one where the bad guy gets like plastic surgery so Wesley Snipes doesn't

[16:29] know who he is?

[16:30] I don't remember that part.

[16:32] I think so.

[16:33] I mean, they're on a plane.

[16:35] Let's construct that film in our brains.

[16:38] Yeah, well, yeah, I would imagine that.

[16:40] I just remember this parody, I think it was on Mad TV in one of their earlier movies.

[16:44] That sounds great.

[16:45] Where they did Passenger 227, and it was, what's her name from 227?

[16:49] Jack A. in the Wesley Snipes role.

[16:52] That sounds pretty funny.

[16:53] Mad TV, you know, that's good for a laugh.

[16:56] A larf?

[16:57] Anyway, so 2,000 B.C., 10,000 B.C.

[17:00] I don't even remember what year it took place in.

[17:03] Sorry.

[17:04] But it's like they took, they obviously did no research whatsoever, except to just make

[17:09] sure that dinosaurs were dead by then, and they were like, oh, really?

[17:12] Well, let's just make a mammoth or something.

[17:14] Let's just make predatory birds.

[17:16] Yeah, let's have giant emus.

[17:18] Well, I believe they were diatrima, or diatrimas, I don't know what the plural is, but these

[17:22] kind of flightless birds that were not that tall, but they were pretty tall, and they

[17:26] would eat miniature horses, because that was the kind of mammal that was around.

[17:30] Miniature horses would sound pretty cool, but we didn't see any of those, right?

[17:33] No, we didn't.

[17:34] We saw regular-sized horses.

[17:35] That's the other thing, though, is it's like they're implying that these people have not

[17:38] discovered agriculture yet, but they've invented boats.

[17:43] Like, they've tamed horses, and they can construct these giant buildings, yet they don't have

[17:47] the wheel, and they barely have fire.

[17:49] Like, it's all these societies at very different levels of development, all living within a

[17:55] square mile of each other.

[17:57] Like, this one group is basically African nomadic tribesmen, but they have brick buildings

[18:02] that look like English hobbit village-type places.

[18:06] Sure.

[18:07] It's really slapdash thrown together.

[18:09] Like, they didn't think this world through at all.

[18:11] Now, you know, I'm watching a movie where you've got a bunch of people living around

[18:16] in 10,000 BC.

[18:18] I would expect more nudity.

[18:20] Elliot, how much nudity was in this movie?

[18:22] There was zero nudity.

[18:24] That's a real downer, right?

[18:26] I mean, I guess so.

[18:28] I mean, everybody wore a lot of clothes and makeup, so I don't know.

[18:31] Yeah, you would think less clothes, more nudity.

[18:34] But nope, Merlin Emmerich disappointed me.

[18:36] Zero hundred percent.

[18:38] It is rated PG-13.

[18:39] Yeah, but the thing is, like, as you were talking about, you were watching...

[18:42] You were playing on the cave bears.

[18:43] You can't get away with a full frontal woman in a PG-13 movie like you once could when

[18:48] we were children.

[18:49] Yeah, the thing about the movie is that, like, you said it yourself, it probably played

[18:54] way better in foreign markets.

[18:56] Those foreign people, they don't give a shit about naked people.

[18:58] They prefer it.

[18:59] Well, they just see naked people all the time, though.

[19:01] If you've ever seen a European movie, you know that people just have sex all over the

[19:04] place.

[19:05] If you're a kid, you stumble on people having sex constantly.

[19:07] In Europe, they're strutting about in the nude.

[19:10] If they see a movie without nudity, they go, oh, what a relief.

[19:14] How refreshing.

[19:15] Say it in more of a European accent.

[19:17] They go, oh, this is a...

[19:20] Oh, what a fancy sea I can escape onto.

[19:23] I am so sick of genitalia.

[19:25] It's like a vaguely French with Canadian in the middle of it a little bit.

[19:28] They put their baguette aside.

[19:30] They put the baguette...

[19:32] They brought it to the theater with them down.

[19:34] They have to straighten their beret because it popped up off the line.

[19:36] They take a sip of wine in the theater and then...

[19:38] Straighten their beret.

[19:40] Yeah, spread a little more beret on there.

[19:42] And then ride their giant front-wheel bicycle home.

[19:45] Wait, it's old-timey, too?

[19:47] Yeah.

[19:48] Oh, by the way, it also...

[19:49] It's 1887.

[19:50] Did I forget that?

[19:51] Oh, okay.

[19:52] Well, that's fine.

[19:53] We're traveling through time tonight.

[19:54] Yeah.

[19:55] That's the thing.

[19:56] Like, watching this movie was totally like...

[20:00] If I had some kind of like a looking glass or like a weird like mirror or like a thing of water that if I looked into I could see the past, that's what watching this movie was like.

[20:11] It was like looking way back in time and being like, oh my God, I can see what people were like back then. Right, Dan?

[20:16] Yeah, exactly.

[20:17] I felt like it was like watching a mall security video of the past where it's like I can't fast-forward this, but it's so boring.

[20:23] So much of it is just people walking around.

[20:26] There's only so little shoplifting, but there's so much just people browsing.

[20:29] Why are there so many dreadlocks?

[20:31] Oh, yeah, it must have been in a college town.

[20:33] Were there any surprises at the end? Let's speak forward.

[20:36] Well, there was a woman who was – the love interest was killed by an arrow and then brought back through magic.

[20:42] Because they had magic in the past.

[20:45] Yeah, the biggest surprise for me was that Omar Sharif was the narrator of the movie.

[20:49] Yeah, which I learned during the credits.

[20:51] There is a lot of narration on this movie. This is a movie that is read to you. It is like –

[20:56] Well, you feel like you're a little kid being read to by your Jewish grandfather.

[21:00] Yeah, but he's telling you a really terrible story about like – how about we didn't have a lot of turnips in the old country,

[21:07] but sometimes here's how we found extra turnips and like we would buy a turnip, but it wasn't that good.

[21:12] So we'd have to find ways to make the turnip edible like with salt or maybe like with wrapped in herring, like that kind of show.

[21:20] And you –

[21:21] That's a good story.

[21:22] Played by Fred Savage in my imagination. You were pretending to be asleep.

[21:25] Grandpa leaves so I can play my wizard video game.

[21:28] Yep, where I use the power glove to defeat Mario.

[21:32] That's where I have a sneak preview of Super Mario 3.

[21:35] Oh, my God. The trick there is getting the raccoon tail.

[21:39] Yeah. By the way, in retrospect, I guess the reason that the wizard won in The Wizard is that the evil kid was using the power glove to play that game.

[21:50] Which is a terrible control.

[21:51] Yeah.

[21:52] He might as well have been using U-Force.

[21:55] Or like Gyrobot.

[21:57] It was like, look at this. I got something up my sleeve and he just sticks Rob down with the stackable disks that he came with.

[22:06] He's got a gyroscope in him.

[22:08] Looks like he's got this competition in his pocket.

[22:10] But he's not even playing the robot play.

[22:14] It's like he goes, listen, you're playing with a bad boy now.

[22:19] Let me get my virtual boy and sticks his head in that giant heavy headset.

[22:24] Well, that's the thing. How did he connect that power glove to an arcade machine?

[22:28] Because he did it at least once or twice.

[22:30] Well, I mean, he probably played around with the circuit board.

[22:33] Probably had a USB port or something.

[22:35] Ultimately, though, the point is that the girl in that grew up to be Jenny Lewis, the singer for Rilo Kylie.

[22:43] Okay. Those are names I've heard, I guess.

[22:46] I've heard that name.

[22:47] Yeah.

[22:48] Yeah, she's a redhead.

[22:49] Riley Ace of Spies I've heard of.

[22:52] Sure.

[22:53] Riley Sharpe's Rifles.

[22:55] Yeah.

[22:56] Wait, are you just saying she's cute because she's a redhead?

[22:58] Because that's too common.

[23:00] Tell you what, they didn't have a lot of redheads in this movie, 10,000 BC.

[23:03] That's true. They had a lot of people with dreadlocks.

[23:05] A lot of people with dreadlocks, not a lot of blondes, not a lot of redheads.

[23:08] I think there was only one female character other than the weird old black bitch.

[23:11] That's why everyone wanted her.

[23:13] Oh, clearly. Oh, my God.

[23:15] There was a big fight over the woman.

[23:17] That was it.

[23:18] Everybody wanted the girl.

[23:19] There was a shortage of women.

[23:20] It was a shortage of women because they didn't know how to make them yet.

[23:24] They just kept making dudes.

[23:26] They didn't figure out the secret formula.

[23:28] That's why all the dudes looked weird.

[23:30] They didn't realize that to make women, the girl has to be on top when you have sex.

[23:36] That's just science, but they didn't have science back then.

[23:38] Yeah.

[23:39] They had magic, and magic doesn't make girls.

[23:42] It makes dead old ladies.

[23:44] Yeah.

[23:45] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[23:47] 10,000 BC.

[23:48] I thought after Premonition we could never be less interested in a movie while watching it,

[23:53] but this one really almost instantly we were just not.

[23:57] Let's just skip to the end. Let's skip to the end.

[23:59] We were just captured by this spell of disinterest.

[24:04] Yeah, no.

[24:05] We've talked plenty about this movie, I believe.

[24:08] We could bring up a couple more.

[24:10] Why don't we talk about some more shit?

[24:11] Oh, Jesus.

[24:12] How bad the computer effects were.

[24:14] Oh, they were really bad.

[24:15] Those mammoths around people.

[24:17] Manics.

[24:18] Well, mammoths.

[24:19] Wait.

[24:20] What's a mammoth?

[24:21] It's a mammoth.

[24:22] Manics, the 1970s?

[24:23] Not manics.

[24:24] No, the other thing was any time they'd be running across the hills when it was daytime,

[24:28] it totally looked like they were running in front of a big fake painting.

[24:31] Yeah.

[24:32] The first couple scenes did look like they were shot on location at the Museum of Natural History in New York.

[24:38] And you were worried that someone would walk too far and they'd bump into the painted sky that was inches away from them,

[24:45] and then they'd knock over a stuffed rhinoceros that Teddy Roosevelt shot or something.

[24:50] That would be a better movie, especially if they walked into another diorama.

[24:54] Well, especially since –

[24:55] Now we're in Roman times.

[24:57] Well, there is no Roman – and this is my problem with Night at the Museum.

[25:00] The exterior is very clearly the Museum of Natural History, but the interior looks nothing like it.

[25:05] And there's no Roman section at the Museum of Natural History.

[25:08] What's – come on.

[25:10] There's early people's exhibits and a few foreign cultures.

[25:13] Yeah.

[25:14] Am I familiar –

[25:15] They could have easily gone to the Hall of Asian Peoples or –

[25:17] Best as I can recall, the Museum of Natural History, it's a lot of taxidermying animals.

[25:22] Well, among other – it's an amazing place.

[25:24] I'm just saying the movie doesn't do it justice.

[25:26] There's no Hall of Miniatures or something like that.

[25:29] Hall of Little Owen Wilson.

[25:32] So wait, wait, wait.

[25:33] You're telling me that Ben Stiller was in a bad film.

[25:36] I'm not saying it's – that makes it bad.

[25:38] I'm just saying it makes it inaccurate in a way that I can't –

[25:40] well, it's one of those – it happens all the time when you live in a city like New York

[25:44] where there's a lot of locations that are used for movies where it's like they'll show you the exterior of Grand Central Station,

[25:50] and then Josiah in Shreveport, Bumfuck, doesn't know what –

[25:56] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[25:58] Quit talking down to our audience, Elliot.

[26:01] He doesn't know what the inside of that building looks like.

[26:03] Josiah is one of our biggest fans.

[26:05] So they just shoot it on – I'm sorry, Josiah.

[26:07] And Bumfuck is a beautiful county, but they just – they shoot like any old place, but they show you the exterior.

[26:14] It's pronounced Bumfuck.

[26:16] It's the same – it's irritating in the same way that Woody Allen movie is irritating where it's like, oh, I just quit my job as a typist to become an actor.

[26:24] My savings are over.

[26:26] I'll just walk through my 10,000-square-foot loft with two levels and then go to the opera tomorrow night,

[26:35] and then I'll have dinner at Elaine's, a restaurant for old people.

[26:39] You can't do that?

[26:41] Usually not on the out-of-work actor's salary.

[26:44] Okay, thanks, Elliot.

[26:46] So we're not –

[26:47] I like it when you whisper into it and it suddenly becomes like a psychology late-night show.

[26:52] So guys, I don't know if you knew this, but we're done talking about 10,000 BC because it sucked.

[26:55] Oh, we are?

[26:56] Okay.

[26:57] I'm happy with that.

[26:58] Let's move on.

[26:59] Let's move on to modern day.

[27:01] Okay, so wait.

[27:02] Okay, so we're in the process of traveling.

[27:04] We're going –

[27:05] Oh, wait.

[27:06] Here's – wait.

[27:07] One last thing before – as we're on the go.

[27:08] 7,000.

[27:10] The year is 10,000 BC, and I wanted them to say that to someone just because, like, it's so inaccurate you kind of have to do it.

[27:17] At that point, they've got a 50% if they can't even do that.

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:21] I remember 10,000 years before Christ.

[27:25] Actually, I wish the movie opened with young Jesus Christ being taught – being told a story by Joseph, and he goes,

[27:34] Dad, when did this story take place?

[27:36] It took place 10,000 years before you were born.

[27:40] And then the end framing sequence is it comes back with Jesus on the cross, and he's like, should have listened to my dad's story.

[27:46] I probably wouldn't be in this jam right now.

[27:50] All the lessons I needed to learn, and I had only paid attention.

[27:54] Those plucky cavemen.

[27:55] Yeah, they learned a lot about brotherhood and how magic can save their girl.

[28:01] Just to drive home that it was 10,000 BC.

[28:04] They should have – and then just 10,000 years earlier.

[28:09] 10,000 years before this joke.

[28:11] It's like an episode of fucking Alias.

[28:13] It starts out with a teaser, and it's like 24 hours before.

[28:18] Or just like it shows a guy getting late.

[28:20] Like, this is a movie I want to make now where, like, a guy wakes up late, and he's, like, struggling to get ready for work and brushing his teeth.

[28:27] He runs out while pulling his jacket on, just misses the train, and goes like, oh, damn it.

[28:31] And then it just says 5,000 years earlier, and the movie is about cave people or about, like, ancient Semitic tribes or something like that.

[28:40] That would be so great because people forget that it happened in the same world, you know?

[28:44] Yeah.

[28:46] The guy is late for a train in 2018.

[28:49] And another guy is late for attacking a spear tooth.

[28:53] Sure.

[28:54] No, we don't even draw that close a parallel.

[28:56] And then at the end it says 17,000 years later, and it's, like, just a wasteland or something like that.

[29:02] Just leave him depressed at the end.

[29:04] You know, nuclear weapon went off or something.

[29:06] Yeah.

[29:07] No, you've got mutants or cyborgs or something or cyborg dinosaurs.

[29:10] That would have been great if it said, if, like, the movie abruptly stopped, and then it said—

[29:14] Like the Bratz film.

[29:16] Yeah, then it said 13,000 years later, and it's, like, cyborgs fighting people and basically becomes the Terminator movies.

[29:23] Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

[29:24] In fact, I'm going to say right now this is a prequel to Terminator.

[29:27] No.

[29:28] I would imagine.

[29:29] Roland Emmerich probably directed—no, McG directed the new Terminator movie.

[29:32] McG is in charge of the new Terminator.

[29:33] Oh, he really?

[29:34] Yeah, that's what it's going to be really good at.

[29:36] Charlie's Angels and McG.

[29:37] It's going to be awful.

[29:39] Torque.

[29:40] Fastlanes, McG.

[29:41] No, no.

[29:42] Fastlanes.

[29:43] Fastlanes, yeah, you're right.

[29:44] I just wanted to say Torque.

[29:45] And he was going to direct Superman, but it didn't happen.

[29:48] That's too bad.

[29:50] Lex Luthor is a government agent investigating this spaceship that landed years before, and then at the end he goes,

[29:57] There was another spaceship that landed.

[29:59] You know who it was?

[30:00] is it it

[30:00] me and flies up into space and then superman lex luther was supposed to have

[30:03] us for a flying

[30:05] kung fu battle

[30:06] really all of this is the mick jay version of something that i was going to

[30:09] turn out to be a and that's a yeah according to you know any cool news or

[30:12] something

[30:12] that sounds like it would be good but in the movie came out

[30:15] well i'm not fighting it let's uh... you could

[30:18] so uh... ten thousand bc it sounds

[30:21] well i think we're done time and now

[30:23] well you know i was gonna say it sounds like we got a pretty positive review

[30:27] no

[30:30] let me tell you that is the fact that every movie we've seen since the brats

[30:33] movie has not been as a good or find is the brats movie

[30:37] is insane

[30:38] and i know the press will be

[30:41] for me is probably been the pinnacle of this is the death of death

[30:44] i like everything on the scale of as good or bad worse than brad's from one

[30:48] to break the set-up

[30:50] from zero to one because that is like a zero point five so it's the road to

[30:54] brats and this is a minus zero point

[30:58] twelve

[30:59] uh... that's a very specific that's not even close to the normal like ratings

[31:05] we give me

[31:06] i don't know what you want to see when you serve you movies for the new york

[31:09] post and i think that this movie

[31:11] one point two four nine stars

[31:14] i guess we'll be pie stars to the fourth power i give this movie to the fourth

[31:19] zero point three three repeating

[31:21] stars

[31:22] uh...

[31:23] okay so dan what are the uh... what are the ratings or the ratings are is this

[31:27] a

[31:29] a bad movie that you would not recommend for anyone

[31:32] okay a bad movie that's a funny bad movie

[31:35] uh... or a movie that you kind of like in some way

[31:39] more likely at this point

[31:40] so stewart you seem to have a strong opinion what would you say about this

[31:44] movie

[31:45] uh... what the first one was one that i didn't like it all

[31:49] yeah this movie is terrible dude i'm so bored i almost fell asleep

[31:53] you got up and were dancing at one point

[31:55] i did

[31:55] you danced when the movie ended there were still fifteen

[31:59] minutes left in that movie no way it was right when the magic saved the girl

[32:03] of course i danced because the magic saved the girl

[32:06] i'll tell you this the one great thing about the movie was dan read the time

[32:09] the running time somewhere it said a hundred nine minutes

[32:12] and so at a minute at an hour thirty seven minutes i was like

[32:15] oh there's still twelve minutes left and then the credits came up

[32:18] and it was like yay this is great it's shorter than we thought it was when dan read the time

[32:24] and uh... it was like about fifteen minutes and we're like what the fuck there's another hour to

[32:28] this we're not even halfway through this fucking thing but it turned out we were

[32:34] what are we like four hours into this film what's going on

[32:38] yeah that was witty

[32:39] anyway i'm gonna punch you in the ear

[32:41] okay so uh... my review

[32:44] i didn't like it very much sorry

[32:46] elliot

[32:47] uh... i would recommend this movie to people who are trying to get off the couch

[32:51] and like motivate themselves to clean out their garage

[32:54] after a couple minutes you're like there's some things i need to do right now aren't there

[32:58] maybe i should go uh... get the lint out from behind the dryer

[33:01] go hunt down a manic

[33:04] you start thinking like

[33:05] i don't know if i need all those old magazines in the basement maybe i'll go through them now

[33:09] and look through and see which ones i'll keep

[33:11] sure they're fire hazards so better get rid of them

[33:13] oh maybe it's time to repave the drive i think i'll do that now

[33:17] wow that's that's that's pretty

[33:19] this is a terrible movie

[33:20] yeah no i gotta agree um my main problem with this movie is

[33:26] it seems hard to fuck up i mean like it seems easy to fuck up

[33:29] to be fair there have been a lot of bad k-movies

[33:31] no well all right let me let me finish it seems easy to fuck up but it seems easy to

[33:35] fuck up in an entertaining way

[33:37] yeah that's true

[33:37] like you imagine okay all right it's a it's a bad movie about prehistory i mean it's not

[33:43] really a caveman movie it's a little past that but still let's say it's a caveman movie

[33:48] you you think of a caveman movie you think of a movie with woolly mammoths in it

[33:51] yeah and you're like all right as stupid as it's gonna be it's gonna be pretty funny like

[33:57] there's gonna be zany woolly mammoth hunting antics in it

[34:00] someone's gonna wear a fur bikini

[34:02] no it's gonna be fun

[34:04] from from the original teenage caveman with robert vaughn to larry clark's teenage caveman

[34:08] remake those movies are hilariously bad

[34:11] yeah this movie was

[34:12] encino man

[34:14] yeah what i like about encino man is that i want brendan fraser to complete the trilogy

[34:19] of man out of time movies uh encino man blast from the past where's his one where he's a guy

[34:24] from the future who comes back and doesn't understand

[34:27] brendan balls in your court

[34:29] get out of the center of the earth

[34:32] but my point is just that you know i was expecting expecting some cheesy fun

[34:36] certainly based on the trailer i thought it would just be like

[34:39] oh there's just gonna be a bunch of cgi prehistoric monsters attacking

[34:43] no it's uh all prophecies it's all walking around it's all slave children

[34:49] it's all you're the chosen one and it's just incredibly dull

[34:55] yeah it's very boring

[34:56] so don't watch this movie please

[34:58] learn from our mistake

[35:00] yeah yeah that was terrible

[35:02] speaking of which brendan fraser we better do the mummy tomb of the dragon

[35:05] emperor when it's on you better believe it

[35:08] it has the line in it i hate mummies which is so perfect

[35:13] well it's it's tough in a trailer because you're making the audience feel like you know what i

[35:18] don't like mummies that much either but no but why would i go see this movie

[35:22] the character who says it is his comedy sidekick who in the first mummy movie

[35:26] didn't believe in mummies so when i saw that line i was like

[35:29] this character has had a real character arc throughout this series of not believing in

[35:32] mummies through being so experienced with them that he knows he doesn't like to be

[35:36] fair you watch the trailer and you're like that that line is meant to be tongue-in-cheek

[35:40] however it's delivered in such a way yeah that it's not that any

[35:44] it's like oh audience remember this character hates me remember remember the series is about

[35:50] mummies it's in the title of the series remember even though it looks like they're just fighting

[35:54] terracotta warriors those are mummies and jelly doesn't look anything like it remember the mummy

[36:00] and then the mummy returned oh yeah there's a tomb of the dragon warrior the scorpion king

[36:06] oh yeah i love the mummy movies they felt were strong enough to spin off the kind of

[36:12] semi-villain of one of them into the hero of his own conan the barbarian and that

[36:17] dwayne uh johnson was such a huge star that he was gonna pull this off michael clark duncan was

[36:22] in that too elliot he can raise one eyebrow independent of the other basically conan the

[36:26] barbarian michael clark duncan was james earl jones yeah sure they're both large african-american

[36:31] men and uh so he was thulsa doom yes i didn't watch i didn't watch score i don't remember if

[36:37] he was a hero or a villain so that would be difficult to relate him to thulsa doom because

[36:41] he was pretty much a villain it's true yeah well let's talk let's not talk about spinoffs that no

[36:46] one watched let's talk about movies that we actually want to recommend to people okay um

[36:51] elliot have you seen a movie of late that you would actually recommend in contrast to 10 000 bc

[36:56] uh i haven't actually seen too many movies lately unfortunately um due to various movings arounds

[37:03] and things but i'll tell you one movie i saw that was great i want to step on your guys's toes if

[37:07] you were going to suggest this but uh pixar's latest film wall-e everyone seems to know by now

[37:13] is amazing so you know not an underrated uh not this is no long this is in no way an underrated

[37:19] uh gem that no one over that is overlooked but i would agree i thought it was really great i

[37:24] thought it was fantastic thank you i don't know why i didn't make it yeah thank you for backing up

[37:29] my recommendation of an amazing we've got two movies we've got andrew stanton on here uh we've

[37:34] called him elliot caylen but uh it's director wall-e so but other than that i watched a movie

[37:41] i watched vanishing point recently but i was kind of disappointed by the original

[37:45] yeah yeah it's a little disappointing a little slow it's also well it's one of those movies

[37:49] where i have a naked woman driving around on a uh motorcycle for a very very very long time yeah

[37:55] to the point where it becomes boring all right get off the motorcycle and put some put like a

[38:01] robe on put something on so that i can i can imagine what you look like and that'll be hotter

[38:05] but there's something there's one of those movies also that was made in the late 60s early 70s

[38:10] kind of through the late 70s early 80s where it's like this guy plays by his own rules he's the

[38:15] spirit of freedom like the man's trying to put him down but he's trying to live his life but

[38:20] he's a reckless driver who endangers dozens if not hundreds of people sympathetic about the movie

[38:26] opens with him about with him about to drive through you know a roadblock and then it flashes

[38:32] back to him picking up some speed pills so that he can zoom around and on the public highways and

[38:37] you know screw up family vacations and stuff it was it was hard for me to find him to be sympathetic

[38:42] that was his main goal screwing up family vacations he's just looking for station wagons

[38:45] that he could knock off the road going to the shore not anymore also i don't know what he's

[38:50] supposed to deliver a white challenger from denver to san francisco and the car keeps getting really

[38:56] dirty and banged up during the trip and i don't i just kept thinking the guy who bought that

[39:00] challenger isn't going to want to take it it's so dirty now and it's so banged up from all his

[39:05] effort is what you're saying yes pretty much but i mean the movie had some good scenes in it and

[39:09] it's a very much a capsule of its time and you can hear the lyrics to mississippi queen very clearly

[39:15] so you know you ever wanted to know what those are sure but wally was great uh stewart do you

[39:20] have anything yeah i don't know uh i watched uh i watched people under the stairs recently and that

[39:27] was really good uh because it was really weird i'd seen it you watched the movie the people under

[39:33] the stairs yeah i didn't watch the people under the stairs like eat a human or something that'd

[39:37] been weird the people in your apartment who live under the stairs yeah that'd been fucking crazy

[39:42] um and uh i don't know i watched the show dexter recently and that kind of sucked and then uh i

[39:49] watched the movie again you don't really understand the concept i know i'm trying to figure movies

[39:54] i watched uh i watched the tripper the movie where the uh there's david rk the guy in the

[40:00] i'll bring him as yet and we'll cut it's got uh... it's it seems more than just

[40:03] mask i mean it's pretty it's pretty i just saw that it's where uh... where

[40:08] thomas jane with a mustache beats up again from ronald reagan makeup

[40:12] and uh...

[40:13] i guess that's okay

[40:15] uh... some of the troopers that you're recommending that i was hanging out with

[40:19] uh... we're going to take something for them to one thing away from what you

[40:22] say well yeah i mean i like elbow to but i don't think that's like underrated

[40:26] anyway so i'm gonna go with uh...

[40:29] yeah if you feel like watching the trooper yeah you can do it

[40:32] i did it

[40:34] stewart gives you permission to watch the trooper yeah you can imagine you're me

[40:38] hanging out with my dog rusty who has three legs

[40:42] yeah stewart has a dog that has three legs everyone

[40:44] that's a piece of news for you it's pretty amazing i guess

[40:47] kind of

[40:48] that's science

[40:50] you know i'm also going to recommend the life and death of colonel blimp there you go

[40:52] that's a movie a lot of people probably haven't seen so

[40:55] done sure you might have seen you've probably seen wally you might see

[40:58] vanishing point

[40:59] you and i think you see the life and death of colonel blimp is very good

[41:04] uh...

[41:05] i watched recently

[41:07] eleven i don't know i don't know i know i just i'm trying to think of a movie

[41:10] actually so recently that

[41:12] people wouldn't have heard of that they would like

[41:16] i watched uh... sunshine recently

[41:20] the science fiction one or the three generations of the european jewish

[41:23] family science fiction that uh... the uh...

[41:26] danny boyle film

[41:27] that was what is that the one of sylvester sloan or is that daylight

[41:31] that's daylight

[41:33] that's a movie about getting trapped in a tunnel

[41:36] uh... i'm talking about the one about restarting the sun with a nuclear bomb

[41:40] starring uh... killian murphy so sylvester sloan isn't in that one

[41:44] no not unless he played like uh... the ship

[41:47] like the voice of the ship and i didn't realize it that's not the john sales movie about the

[41:51] sheriff right and that's a lot of uh... okay i don't think it was i got mixed up with lone

[41:56] star the cartoon about the space cowboy from a little kids as a big of space

[42:01] sure and i watched some of our sunshine

[42:03] uh...

[42:04] a movie that

[42:05] was not

[42:06] you know if we are moving by any means but i don't think was a big hit either

[42:10] economy was it kind of passed under the radar a man went and up

[42:13] i would like to have really liked it honestly uh...

[42:18] which is what i got from the advertisements was that it was a

[42:21] more positive version of event horizon

[42:24] it was a it was a very sounds great tell me what was the version of her event

[42:28] horizon

[42:29] that made much more sense

[42:31] uh... like my brother that arises late samuel

[42:34] no one of his own eyes out that's amazing we were doing a little bit

[42:38] right now it's i've said that before i don't think he actually says that he

[42:42] says that i think i think that he's is quoting back to the future that

[42:46] but it's really weird problem in their eyes and i said before is like are

[42:50] fine

[42:51] haunted house movie in space fine whatever

[42:54] how i got it whatever she left

[42:57] stop with the scale right movie

[42:59] let it go

[43:00] i understand you're going on a horror movie

[43:02] has to have

[43:04] some internal logic to it and to to like not have it's in argento film

[43:09] why he fucking art and i will not have it's another space good point my logic

[43:14] doesn't work in space my point is like if it will be just like six you know

[43:17] what's why all those this is a scary image you know what

[43:21] here's another scary image you know what this is scary to and they have no

[43:24] connection to each other mike that's not scary that you've never been in the

[43:27] space i think that's true

[43:29] instead of their everything happens like crazy all the time

[43:33] but no such on it

[43:35] you know like is a movie that actually does not start out and it basically

[43:38] starts out as

[43:40] a science fiction movie and sort of like a meditative science fiction movie

[43:44] but ultimately actually kind of becomes a horror movie it's more than just a

[43:47] horror movie but it becomes one

[43:50] it has one thing in common with one of my favorite horror movies of

[43:54] recent years which is the descent

[43:56] uh... which is

[43:57] that before the real horror of the film starts

[44:02] the setup is already scary

[44:05] like in the sense where

[44:07] okay

[44:09] we're trapped in a cave in

[44:11] uh... in these uncharted caves

[44:14] and then troglodytes come out like

[44:17] like before you add the troglodytes it's pretty already it's a scary scenario

[44:21] yeah but when you add drogs in there that shit gets scary man yeah and this

[44:25] movie you know it's like

[44:27] okay uh... we're in a ship

[44:29] that's going to the sun and if we screw up at all and don't have like the

[44:32] sunshield in front of us we're gonna burn up

[44:35] that's already like a very tense situation sure

[44:37] and then add like this sort of wild card

[44:40] uh... like malevolent force and I don't want to spoil too much of it

[44:45] but yeah it's creepy it's like stanley donnan's sci-fi horror tour de force

[44:49] saturn three

[44:50] yeah it's like leprechaun 4 leprechaun in space

[44:54] yeah exactly

[44:55] oh because he jumps into someone's dick through their pee

[44:58] just like in leprechaun 4

[45:02] it's exactly like jason x

[45:05] what other movies are in space

[45:08] uh... a couple of critters space chimps

[45:12] yeah that one space cowboys

[45:14] the second like space camp there are two

[45:17] uh... there are two cgi like like computer animated films coming out

[45:21] one after the other space chimps and flyboys

[45:25] about animals who are astronauts

[45:27] well they come in pairs space chimps are space chimps obviously and then flyboys are

[45:31] uh... apparently flies

[45:33] who hitch a ride on the uh... the space shuttle i can't imagine a more boring

[45:37] movie

[45:38] than flies on a space shuttle or potentially disgusting

[45:42] unless there's like a creepy like twilight zone ending where they just like

[45:45] you know like buzz aldrin just like fucking slaps the flies dead

[45:49] well there goes our heroes well that's why they call them buzz or something

[45:53] but no but it's like

[45:54] they it's because

[45:55] flies are so small that it's not like they're gonna unbalance the oxygen on

[45:59] the ship or anything or like they're gonna like rescue everybody by

[46:02] like hitting a

[46:03] dial or some shit

[46:05] it's probably what happens they have to jump really hard on a button

[46:08] uh... that sounds good let me uh... we should watch that dan

[46:13] yeah let me tie this up a little bit though this show this umbilical cord of a

[46:17] podcast yeah and say uh... this one's been bad

[46:20] whoa whoa

[46:22] i mean ten thousand bc was bad don't get down on yourself

[46:26] hey you guys uh... hey guys cheer up

[46:31] did we get any responses for our watch a movie with the flop house crew?

[46:34] no we got none

[46:35] oh my god

[46:36] that was exactly what i was going to get into

[46:37] we got absolutely no responses

[46:39] and i think the part of the problem is

[46:42] we were

[46:43] they don't know who

[46:44] we were shamefully vague

[46:45] about this

[46:46] about the rules of the contest

[46:47] so um here's the thing

[46:48] you have to be eighteen or older

[46:50] yeah

[46:51] sure yeah

[46:52] all expenses

[46:53] unless you're younger

[46:54] paid by you

[46:55] the contest

[46:56] contestants

[46:57] but the expenses are not much

[46:58] it's just getting to

[46:59] getting to

[47:00] get to be part of the podcast

[47:01] get to be part of stuart's apartment

[47:02] in brooklyn

[47:03] oh yeah

[47:04] it's going to be my place

[47:05] basically the prize is

[47:06] watch a movie with the flop house

[47:10] oh wow

[47:11] um

[47:12] it will

[47:13] where do i sign up

[47:14] hang out at stuart's apartment

[47:15] you get um

[47:16] free beers that we buy

[47:18] also probably snacks

[47:20] uh and all you have to do is

[47:22] you gotta send in an email

[47:23] and here's what i'm gonna

[47:24] i'm gonna say more specifically

[47:26] put in the subject heading of the email

[47:29] flop house contest

[47:31] that's good

[47:32] so i shouldn't say like

[47:33] free dick enlargement or something

[47:35] yeah no that will go straight

[47:37] to the spam filter

[47:38] oh that's too bad

[47:39] what if they spell free fr-three-three

[47:40] that's all right then

[47:43] okay so dick enlarger people

[47:45] if you want to get through dan's spam filter

[47:47] free should be fr-three-three

[47:49] yeah

[47:50] um but um

[47:51] and you should probably spell penis

[47:52] pen fifteen

[47:53] and there's a very vague um

[47:56] i've been heard by them before

[47:57] very very ghouls for this podcast

[47:59] okay so yeah they uh

[48:01] yeah maybe

[48:02] flop house podcast contest or something

[48:04] and in the subject line flop house contest

[48:07] and then in the body of the email

[48:10] what do what should they do

[48:11] just explain in a hundred words or less

[48:13] why they love the flop house

[48:15] i thought that they were supposed to do

[48:16] something awesome for the

[48:17] oh that's right to bring attention

[48:19] to the flop house

[48:20] to bring attention to us

[48:21] i thought they should just write

[48:22] about the worst movie they've ever seen

[48:24] and why it's known as

[48:25] forty days and forty nights

[48:27] all right

[48:28] you can do any of those things

[48:29] free form contest

[48:30] put flop house podcast

[48:32] or flop house contest

[48:33] as long as it says flop house contest

[48:34] in the subject line

[48:35] in the subject line

[48:36] you are entered

[48:37] and then do something

[48:39] give us new listeners

[48:41] um

[48:42] we'd prefer that one

[48:43] send us a drawing or a picture

[48:44] uh

[48:45] write us a poem

[48:46] write us a poem

[48:47] sure

[48:48] or a song

[48:49] write stewart a love letter

[48:50] write a one-act play

[48:51] write a one-act play

[48:53] about like

[48:54] it's like a

[48:55] a dwarf in nazi germany

[48:57] like that book

[48:59] the tin drum

[49:00] what the tin

[49:01] oh i was actually thinking

[49:02] deblechtromo

[49:03] uh stones from the river

[49:04] whatever it's called

[49:05] the tin drum also works

[49:06] wait what were we gonna say

[49:07] deblechtromo

[49:08] that's the german

[49:09] oh

[49:10] sorry

[49:11] um

[49:12] do any of those things

[49:13] this is america

[49:14] we speak english now

[49:16] i believe in perestroika

[49:18] says tango and cash

[49:20] anyway

[49:21] i believe

[49:22] oh i thought you were doing

[49:23] the guy from the godfather

[49:24] no no no

[49:25] as a contest

[49:26] so wait are we done yet

[49:27] tango and cash

[49:28] i believe tango and cash

[49:29] tomorrow right

[49:30] no it's not tomorrow

[49:31] it's august 23

[49:32] it's july 23

[49:33] okay

[49:34] i'm explaining the fucking

[49:35] contest

[49:36] okay

[49:37] listeners

[49:38] you can

[49:39] keep moving dude

[49:40] send your info to

[49:41] theflophousepodcast

[49:42] at gmail.com

[49:43] theflophousepodcast

[49:45] okay

[49:46] yeah theflophousepodcast

[49:48] subject line

[49:49] flophousecontest

[49:50] and body will

[49:51] will be

[49:52] things like

[49:53] by jake

[49:54] possibly yep

[49:55] possibly attachments of

[49:56] topless photos

[49:57] stewart

[49:58] please stop

[49:59] crying and get

[50:00] There's one more thing that I wanted to say and that's if you go to theflophousepodcast.blogspot.com,

[50:16] on the sidebar there's a button there that says take a survey and the reason that's there

[50:25] is if you click that button, you'll be directed to a short survey that gives us sort of like

[50:32] demographic information about you as a listener and the reason that we have that button there

[50:38] is because we're hooked up with a company, we can maybe get a little...

[50:44] It's called Evilcore.

[50:46] Yeah, Evilcore Incorporated and we can get a little sponsorship and I know that people

[50:54] think that sponsorship is evil but I promise you that we will not make any money off of

[51:00] this podcast ever.

[51:03] Basically if we get any sort of sponsorship, it will just cover our basic operating costs.

[51:10] And also...

[51:11] The bandwidth.

[51:12] Why would you say sponsorship is evil?

[51:13] All the great painters have had patrons who took care of them.

[51:17] You think Shakespeare didn't have sponsors, he totally did.

[51:20] Michelangelo.

[51:21] He was sponsored by the church among other things and I turned into a Bowery boy briefly.

[51:27] And you know, Greco I'm sure, you know.

[51:33] Other painters.

[51:34] Sure.

[51:35] I'm fucking going into a daze, I can't even remember what I'm talking about.

[51:38] You're talking about sponsorship, so people should check that shit out.

[51:42] If we get money for a sponsorship, you know, that covers the bandwidth, it covers the equipment,

[51:49] it covers the Coors Light that we need to give to Stuart to make him be funny.

[51:52] Just to wake him up.

[51:53] What?

[51:54] Or to make him enjoy life.

[51:58] So that's a good thing too.

[52:01] But we've talked for a long time and this has been a shitty movie so we should sign

[52:04] off.

[52:05] So don't watch 10,000 BC, it fucking sucks.

[52:08] Who's our sponsor?

[52:09] Oh no, it's 10,000 BC on DVD.

[52:12] Well, as Stuart fades his own music out, I'll just say that's how he leaves rooms

[52:27] too.

[52:28] Exactly.

[52:29] You guys need anything from the kitchen?

[52:30] Because I'm going to get something.

[52:31] All right.

[52:32] Hey, I got to hit the job.

[52:33] Everybody's already done it.

[52:34] So, hey, for the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[52:47] I've been Dan McCoy.

[52:49] I remain Elliot Kaelin.

[52:50] Good night, everyone.

[52:52] Bye.

[52:54] I'm Elliot.

[52:55] I'm Dan McCoy.

[52:56] I remain Elliot Kaelin.

[52:57] Bye.

[52:58] K-men are boring.

[52:59] I guess that's what we learned from this.

[53:00] What's a mannock?

[53:01] It's a mammoth.

[53:02] Oh, fuck that.

[53:03] It's like calling little kids younglings.

[53:08] That was the dumbest.

[53:11] Younglings.

[53:12] Annie, did you kill a shitload of younglings?

[53:16] Like, I don't know.

[53:18] I think so.

[53:19] Wait, are those- Are those children you mean?

[53:21] Because- I killed some of them.

[53:23] Because you can just call them that.

[53:24] Call them children next time.

[53:25] Because, like, we use the same word for food or space or moon or clothing or you or person

[53:33] or- we don't need a different word for children, do we?

[53:35] Except poodoo means poo.

The Flop House: Episode #20 - 10,000 B.C.

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