On Vacation

Dan McCoy

[0:00] And now a treasured memory from summertime's past.

[0:05] I remember several summers ago spending quality time with my dad.

[0:11] He always made a point of doing father-son activities,

[0:15] so it was just like him when he responded to a flyer advertising a three-legged race in the park.

[0:22] Unfortunately, dad had left his reading glasses at home that day,

[0:26] and we arrived to find not a three-legged race, but a three-legged racist.

[0:34] Yes, there he was, sitting on a stool,

[0:37] because a chair with armrest would have cramped his third leg,

[0:41] beneath the old oak tree in the center of the park.

[0:44] As we drew near, the stream of racial epithets coming out of his mouth

[0:49] drove home faster than any thunderstorm could,

[0:52] that we would not be enjoying a magical day of off-balance running,

[0:58] but rather having a scarring and unpleasant day of scarring unpleasantness.

[1:03] You may ask yourself,

[1:05] why would a three-legged racist go through all the trouble of printing and distributing flyers?

[1:10] Well, that's precisely the question my father asked.

[1:13] And in between interjections about the dirtiness of Moroccans and the beady, larsenous size of the Portuguese,

[1:21] he explained that, perhaps lured by the promise of gawking at his third leg,

[1:27] seeds of racial intolerance would be planted in the minds of the attending children.

[1:32] Anyway, once we realized our mistake, I urged my father to leave immediately,

[1:38] but Dad was very serious about our father-son time,

[1:43] and unwilling to give it up to a deformed white supremacist.

[1:48] So, we stood there for eight hours,

[1:52] learning about the whorish ways of She-Belgians and the legendary sloth of Papua New Guineans,

[1:59] while I tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore the hideous tripod sprouting from his pelvis.

[2:06] Dad and I didn't talk much after that.

[2:09] He started drinking heavily and spending most of his time in the garage,

[2:14] building birdhouse after birdhouse,

[2:16] even though our town was completely enclosed by a geodesic dome,

[2:21] which kept it nearly 100% bird-free.

[2:24] As for me, I started a lifelong love affair with Tester's Model Blue.

[2:31] Still, that day in the park is my fondest somber memory,

[2:35] mainly because this lady fell down and she wasn't wearing anything onto her skirt.

[2:40] The End

[2:45] you

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