On Vacation

[0:00] And now, a treasured memory from Summertime's past.

[0:05] I remember several summers ago spending quality time with my dad.

[0:11] He always made a point of doing father-son activities, so it was just like him when he

[0:17] responded to a flyer advertising a three-legged race in the park.

[0:22] Unfortunately, dad had left his reading glasses at home that day, and we arrived to find not

[0:29] a three-legged race, but a three-legged racist.

[0:33] Yes, there he was, sitting on a stool, because a chair with armrests would have cramped his

[0:40] third leg, beneath the old oak tree in the center of the park.

[0:45] As we drew near, the stream of racial epithets coming out of his mouth drove home faster

[0:51] than any thunderstorm could that we would not be enjoying a magical day of off-balance

[0:57] running, but rather having a scarring and unpleasant day of scarring unpleasantness.

[1:03] You may ask yourself, why would a three-legged racist go through all the trouble of printing

[1:09] and distributing flyers?

[1:10] Well, that's precisely the question my father asked.

[1:14] And in between interjections about the dirtiness of Moroccans and the beady, larcenous eyes

[1:20] of the Portuguese, he explained that, perhaps lured by the promise of gawking at his third

[1:26] leg, seeds of racial intolerance would be planted in the minds of the attending children.

[1:32] Anyway, once we realized our mistake, I urged my father to leave immediately, but Dad was

[1:40] very serious about our father-son time, and unwilling to give it up to a deformed white

[1:46] supremacist.

[1:47] So, we stood there for eight hours, learning about the whorish ways of she-Belgians and

[1:56] the legendary sloth of Popkin New Guineans, while I tried, unsuccessfully, to ignore the

[2:02] hideous tripod sprouting from his pelvis.

[2:07] Dad and I didn't talk much after that.

[2:09] He started drinking heavily and spending most of his time in the garage, building birdhouse

[2:15] after birdhouse, even though our town was completely enclosed by a geodesic dome, which

[2:21] kept it nearly 100% bird-free.

[2:25] As for me, I started a lifelong love affair with Tester's Model Blue.

[2:30] Still, that day in the park is my fondest somber memory, mainly because this lady fell

[2:37] down and she wasn't wearing anything onto her skirt.

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