The Flop House: Episode #25 - The Happening

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this, the second Halloween episode of The Flophouse, we discuss The Happening,

[0:05] a film that somehow doesn't even manage to live up to its name.

[0:30] The Happening, a film that somehow doesn't even manage to live up to its name.

[1:00] We watched a movie tonight.

[1:01] That we did.

[1:02] A movie that I've been waiting for ever since.

[1:05] Your whole life.

[1:06] I saw the reviews this summer, which I've been looking forward to.

[1:11] For me, it was when I saw the movie Posters.

[1:13] Yeah.

[1:13] For me, it was when I heard the title.

[1:15] Once a year, maybe twice a year, but no more than three times a year comes along a movie.

[1:21] You know, I'm like, we should go see this in the theaters.

[1:24] We need to do a Flophouse in the theaters episode, and then we don't get our act together.

[1:27] That didn't happen, yeah.

[1:28] We don't do it.

[1:29] No.

[1:30] But now it's out on DVD.

[1:32] Laziness.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32] Flophouse in the Isles.

[1:34] Didn't happen.

Dan McCoy

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:35] That movie is called The Happening.

[1:37] M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39] M. Night Shyamalan brings you his vaguest title yet.

Dan McCoy

[1:43] So I assume that this movie was about 1960s performance art, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] Correct?

[1:48] Yeah.

[1:48] I also actually had that assumption.

[1:50] Yeah.

[1:51] Was it?

Dan McCoy

[1:52] I think it was about something less interesting.

[1:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] It's hard to imagine.

[1:56] It's hard to imagine.

[1:57] It's like M. Night Shyamalan set out to challenge his audience to pay attention to his movie or be interested in any way.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] Well, and he challenged it, too.

[2:06] Like, if you recall, the ad campaigns were all like, M. Night Shyamalan's first R-rated film.

[2:12] And we were all like chomping at the pit.

[2:14] The fucking-ing.

[2:15] Oh, my God.

[2:17] What is this master of modern suspense going to do with-

Elliott Kalan

[2:20] Here's where I'm going to take-

[2:21] Well, we'll talk about that later.

[2:22] With the drastic overrating of M. Night Shyamalan's worth.

[2:25] But anyway-

Stuart Wellington

[2:26] Yeah, I imagine the palette he has access to now.

[2:30] Painting in such swaths of gore and nudity.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] Listen, his rose period is over.

[2:35] Time for the blue period.

[2:37] Oh, my God.

Dan McCoy

[2:38] But I would say that this movie was a solid PG-13.

[2:43] Maybe a PG.

[2:44] Maybe even a G.

Stuart Wellington

[2:46] Well, Ellen, I still don't think you understand how they rate movies.

[2:50] You suggested Prom Night was a G as well.

Elliott Kalan

[2:51] It was either a G or a triple X.

Stuart Wellington

[2:56] Triple X is not an actual rating.

[2:58] Quadruple X.

[2:59] MPAA, no.

[3:00] I think both of those are-

[3:01] You're just adding X's.

Dan McCoy

[3:02] I think both of those guys are wrestlers, actually.

[3:05] Nice.

[3:06] Oh, okay.

[3:07] Well, one of them I know is an extreme spy.

[3:10] Nice.

[3:11] Is one of them ice cube.

[3:14] Iced cube.

[3:15] I can't believe it.

[3:16] Could I have one of those iced cubes in my beverage?

[3:22] Please?

Stuart Wellington

[3:23] When you're actually trying to ask for a compact disc.

[3:26] Possibly a lethal injection or the Predator.

Dan McCoy

[3:30] Anyway, we watched the movie The Happening starring Mark Wahlberg.

Stuart Wellington

[3:35] Yeah.

[3:36] And Zooey Deschanel.

[3:37] And John Leguizamo.

[3:38] Yeah, starring in its complete sense.

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:40] Like a real star.

[3:42] It's rare.

Elliott Kalan

[3:42] It's rare.

[3:43] There's almost no scenes that Mark Wahlberg is not in.

[3:46] Or stealing.

[3:47] Or stealing.

[3:48] Or that-

Dan McCoy

[3:50] Whispering in a strangely feminine way.

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] That are shoved into his hands by the other actors who don't want to be in them.

Dan McCoy

[3:56] Yeah.

[3:56] Well, that's-

[3:56] A lot of eyebrow acting.

[3:57] That's one thing about this movie is I love-

[4:00] Ay-yi-yi.

[4:01] I love Zooey Deschanel.

[4:03] I think she can make most boring roles interesting.

[4:06] And she's adorable.

[4:08] Sure.

[4:08] And this film, god damn, she's given nothing to work with.

[4:13] Like, I think her character note is whiny.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] Whiny and vaguely emotionally unstable.

Dan McCoy

[4:19] Yeah, we're introduced to her early in the film when people are dying and we think that this is a terrorist attack.

[4:25] She's like, god, just when you think people can't get more evil.

[4:31] And like, that sort of strikes-

Elliott Kalan

[4:32] Aren't people crappy?

[4:33] I think she says at one point.

[4:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:34] Something like that.

[4:34] Yeah.

[4:35] You know, I made a comment before the movie, guys, about Zooey Deschanel.

[4:40] And you know what?

[4:41] I kind of want to take it back.

[4:43] Like, I don't want to do that.

Elliott Kalan

[4:45] And you might want to say what that comment was.

[4:47] Oh, please.

[4:47] Because it was very specific.

[4:49] No, it's carnal knowledge, kind of.

[4:53] You wished that she had starred in carnal knowledge.

[4:55] Yes.

[4:56] With Jack Nicholson.

[4:56] And I take it back.

Dan McCoy

[4:57] Yeah.

[4:58] And Art Garfunkel was he in the name?

[5:00] Art Garfunkel and Margaret too, right?

[5:03] Yeah, she wasn't very good.

[5:04] Stuart said that he would like to finger bang Zooey Deschanel.

[5:08] But didn't want it to go further than that.

[5:10] She was too innocent.

Stuart Wellington

[5:11] Apparently he's a gentleman.

[5:12] Well, no.

[5:13] As far as he wanted to take it.

[5:14] I just don't know if I feel like having that kind of a commitment with her.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] So it's more like you sidle up next to her at the bus.

[5:21] On the bus stop.

[5:21] Sure.

[5:22] Do your business.

[5:23] And then, oh, my bus is here.

[5:24] Gotta go.

[5:25] Yep.

[5:26] I'm waiting for the M35.

[5:27] That's okay.

[5:28] See you later.

Dan McCoy

[5:29] This is like a really weird sort of combination of sexual aggression.

[5:34] Right on the money.

[5:35] And gentlemanliness.

Stuart Wellington

[5:38] Yeah, absolutely.

[5:39] I'll wear a rubber glove if she wants.

[5:41] That's cool.

[5:42] I'll clip my fingernails really short.

Elliott Kalan

[5:44] Yeah, because that'll feel great.

[5:46] That won't remind her of going to the doctor.

Stuart Wellington

[5:49] I'll use a lot of horse vaginal lubricant.

[5:53] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] Wow.

[5:54] Let's talk about the movie, huh?

[5:56] Yikes.

[5:56] The happening.

[5:57] I didn't expect the finger banging stuff to come up until the second half of the episode

[6:01] when we're searching for things to talk about.

Dan McCoy

[6:04] Yeah, we're on that idea already.

[6:06] So the movie begins with thrilling scenes of people stopping in place and then walking backwards.

Elliott Kalan

[6:12] And then killing themselves.

[6:14] Yeah.

[6:14] In very silly ways.

[6:16] Non-bloody ways.

[6:18] Very non-bloody, but also just the way it's paced.

[6:20] The movie feels like a parody of a disaster horror movie.

[6:25] Like if M. Night Shyamalan had released it as like,

[6:28] M. Night Shyamalan's first wacky comedy!

Stuart Wellington

[6:31] The Happening!

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] And then people falling off of a building in rapid fire.

[6:38] Or a car suddenly crashing into a tree for no reason.

Dan McCoy

[6:42] People start killing themselves in...

[6:45] In very overwrought ways.

[6:46] Well, I mean, the idea is like they kill themselves in the first way that is at hand.

[6:51] But in practice, that just means that they kill themselves in goofy ways.

[6:55] Like the very first killing is like, a woman's like,

[6:58] Well, I gotta kill myself now.

[6:59] What do I have on...

[7:00] I have this chopstick that's been keeping my bun up, my hair in place.

[7:06] My hair bun.

[7:07] I'll ram that through my neck.

Elliott Kalan

[7:09] And then there's a guided construction site, and construction workers are just dropping off the top of the building.

[7:13] But not in like a scary like, oh my god way.

[7:16] More in like a, here comes some more!

[7:19] Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

[7:22] And everyone's reactions are...

Dan McCoy

[7:23] Partly cloudy with a chance of construction workers.

Elliott Kalan

[7:27] Everyone's immediate reaction is not like, what?

[7:30] It's more like, dear god.

[7:33] What is happening?

[7:35] Santa Maria!

[7:37] Like, I don't want to get too dark or mention things that, you know, shouldn't be mentioned on the Flophouse.

[7:42] But the thing that kept striking me was that like, he's trying to get across the kind of feeling that people had on September 11th,

[7:48] where it was like, you know, something is happening, and you don't know what it is, and you're scared,

[7:53] and you know that something terrible has happened, but you don't know what's going on.

[7:56] And the first thing, the first, I think everybody's first...

[7:58] It's kind of like Cloverfield.

[7:59] Yeah, like Cloverfield.

[8:00] We were talking about War of the Worlds, how much more successful Spielberg's War of the Worlds was at this.

[8:05] But like, everyone's reaction that day was like, what?

[8:08] Or Blair Witch Project.

[8:08] Oh!

[8:09] Now I'm scared, like, kind of.

[8:11] But like, no one has that moment...

[8:13] Or Roe of Cop 2.

[8:17] Or losing it.

[8:19] But the...

[8:20] But nobody has that immediate reaction of like, what?

[8:24] Before the terror sinks in.

[8:25] Like, everyone is all...

[8:26] Everyone's super frightened right off the bat, in a way that is totally unrealistic and very unconvincing.

Dan McCoy

[8:32] Yeah.

[8:33] Well, and then, smash cut to Mark Wahlberg.

[8:37] As a science teacher in high school.

[8:39] He's a high school science teacher.

[8:41] Which, you know, that's the logical protagonist in this scenario.

[8:45] I mean, I understand, you know, like, he wants him to be like an everyman,

[8:48] but there's really...

[8:49] I really don't feel like there's like a really strong reason why M. Night Shyamalan has made him a...

Elliott Kalan

[8:54] Well, he talks about science a lot.

[8:55] Well, he also...

Dan McCoy

[8:56] But he's like the worst science teacher.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] He's a science teacher who's introduced, telling his class,

[9:01] bees are disappearing in great numbers.

[9:02] Because we all remember that was in the news for a while.

[9:04] Why is this happening?

[9:05] And the correct answer that the kid gives him is,

[9:08] it's an act of nature and we'll never know.

[9:11] And he goes, yes, you're right.

[9:13] Correct.

Stuart Wellington

[9:13] 100%.

[9:14] Go home early.

Elliott Kalan

[9:15] Yeah.

[9:15] Mark Wahlberg says...

Dan McCoy

[9:16] Use a sticker that says champion.

[9:19] He says, yeah, science will come up with an explanation,

[9:22] but it's just going to be a theory.

[9:24] And I'm like, why did this guy go into science?

[9:28] What does he need to teach science?

[9:29] Like, he's clearly...

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] Man, he's working off of Sarah Palin's curriculum.

Dan McCoy

[9:33] No!

[9:34] Topical!

[9:34] No, no, it seems like he's like a missionary

[9:38] who just stumbled backwards into a science teaching...

Elliott Kalan

[9:41] It's like a very religious organization

[9:43] decided to put mentoring candidates

[9:45] into science teacher positions,

[9:47] where it's like, just teach the kids

[9:49] that science can't be trusted and doesn't exist.

[9:51] And that way we'll get our message across.

Dan McCoy

[9:54] Well, also, they use this bee thing,

[9:56] but then they just...

[9:57] Drop it immediately?

[9:58] Well, they drop it immediately,

[9:59] but also, like, Mark Wahlberg was like,

[10:01] yeah, bees are disappearing.

[10:03] Uh, the corpses, we can't even find the corpses.

[10:06] I'm like, that's not true.

[10:08] The bees died off,

[10:10] but I'm pretty sure that the bees were still there.

[10:12] They didn't just vaporize when they died.

[10:14] Aliens took them away.

Stuart Wellington

[10:16] Mm-hmm.

[10:16] The Illuminati.

[10:18] The thing is, like,

[10:18] if it wasn't for this happening,

[10:21] I think that Mark Wahlberg's character

[10:25] would be stiff competition

[10:27] for Drew Barrymore's character in Donnie Darko

[10:30] for teacher of...

[10:31] Most believable teacher.

[10:32] Terrible teacher, yeah.

[10:34] In movies ever.

[10:35] The Destructors is a story about...

Dan McCoy

[10:38] It's the most beautiful phrase

[10:39] in the English language.

[10:40] Oh, God.

[10:41] I think we can all agree on that.

[10:42] But the...

[10:43] Darko jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[10:44] And also, John Leguizamo

[10:45] is his friend and fellow teacher

[10:47] who, out of nowhere,

[10:49] decides to tell...

[10:50] They get a message from Alan Rickman

[10:52] in a small role as the school principal,

[10:55] and he should have been the hero of the movie.

[10:57] Alan Rudd.

[10:58] Oh, Alan Rudd.

[10:58] I'm sorry.

[10:59] I always get their names mixed up.

Dan McCoy

[10:59] I think it would be great if Alan Rickman was there.

[11:01] That would have been awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[11:01] There's a problem.

[11:03] Everyone should leave the school.

Dan McCoy

[11:05] It seems there's some sort of happening.

Elliott Kalan

[11:09] Sorry, it's Alan Rudd.

[11:11] Alan Rudd.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Dale.

Elliott Kalan

[11:13] Yeah, but he tells them briefly,

[11:17] there's a...

[11:18] Something's happening in New York.

[11:19] It looks like a terrorist attack,

[11:20] so everybody leave the school and go home.

[11:23] And John Leguizamo,

[11:24] in the midst of this,

[11:25] everybody's worried,

[11:26] leaving the school,

[11:26] decides to tell Mark Wahlberg,

[11:28] you know, on your wedding day,

[11:30] I saw your bride,

[11:31] and she was crying,

[11:32] and it looked like she didn't want to marry you.

[11:33] Well, see you later.

[11:34] Gotta go.

[11:35] You shouldn't bring her along

[11:36] when we evacuate.

[11:37] You shouldn't bring her along

[11:38] when we leave.

Dan McCoy

[11:39] The whole beginning of the film

[11:40] is there's merit.

[11:42] Everything is fraught.

[11:44] There's marital tension

[11:45] between Zooey Deschanel and Mark Wahlberg,

[11:47] and every sentence feels weighted down

[11:50] with, like, heavy meaning.

[11:51] And then later on,

[11:53] I don't want to get too ahead,

[11:54] but later on we discover that Zooey Deschanel...

[11:56] Yeah, we haven't even talked about

[11:57] the town of Princeton yet.

[11:58] Oh, well, we'll get there.

[11:59] But Zooey Deschanel is really worried

[12:01] about the fact that she had dessert

[12:02] with a co-worker,

[12:03] and apparently that has been the reason

[12:05] why everyone's talking like

[12:07] they're in a pinter play

[12:08] for the first half of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[12:10] Yeah, it's kind of like

[12:11] a pinter play written by a child.

[12:14] The whole movie feels like it was...

[12:16] It feels like a movie

[12:17] that a kid made in his backyard

[12:18] over the weekend

[12:19] after he saw the birds.

[12:21] Like, this is what movies are like.

[12:23] I'll just make it,

[12:24] and I'll have my friends

[12:25] act out the parts.

Dan McCoy

[12:26] And the child is like,

[12:27] what's the worst thing

[12:27] that could happen

[12:28] between a married couple?

[12:29] One of them has dessert

[12:30] with a co-worker.

Elliott Kalan

[12:32] That's what mom said dad did

[12:34] that broke up their marriage, so...

Dan McCoy

[12:36] But much like Prom Night,

[12:37] this movie catapults us

[12:38] right into the action.

[12:40] Immediately after this attack happens,

[12:43] they're like,

[12:43] okay, people are dying in New York.

[12:46] Clearly, since we're in Philadelphia,

[12:48] that will be the next target

[12:49] of whatever's happening.

[12:51] So we gotta get out of the city.

[12:53] So, Mark Wahlberg...

Stuart Wellington

[12:53] Well, and I really appreciate that.

[12:55] I mean, like,

[12:55] I'm glad it isn't a fucking snooze fest

[12:57] where you're like,

[12:58] character, character, character.

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] Blah-dee-blah.

[13:01] Yeah, because it really helped

[13:02] later on when the characters

[13:03] were dying,

[13:04] and I didn't have to worry about them.

Stuart Wellington

[13:05] Absolutely.

[13:06] I don't have to feel

[13:07] any connection to them

[13:07] when they're watching

[13:09] a zookeeper get eaten

[13:10] on an iPhone.

[13:11] Like, I don't give a shit.

[13:12] That was so awful.

[13:13] We haven't even gotten

[13:14] to that part yet

Elliott Kalan

[13:15] when they're in the

[13:16] Filbert restaurant.

[13:17] But everyone in the movie talks,

[13:20] and I would...

[13:21] Okay, but also, like,

[13:22] everyone's really going

[13:23] by the numbers.

[13:24] Like, something's happening.

[13:25] We better get out of town fast.

[13:27] Okay, why?

[13:28] Like, I don't understand

[13:29] why you feel the need

[13:29] to leave immediately.

[13:31] But, like, the government's reaction

[13:32] in the movie seems to be

[13:33] to tell everybody

[13:33] to leave urban centers

[13:35] and go to small towns,

[13:36] which I don't think

[13:38] has ever been a government plan

[13:39] in case of an emergency.

[13:40] Like, maybe...

[13:41] Well, again, I don't know

Dan McCoy

[13:42] if you remember after 9-11.

[13:43] They're like,

[13:44] everyone, please leave New York.

Elliott Kalan

[13:46] When Mayor Bloomberg

[13:46] went on TV and started...

[13:48] I guess it was Giuliani

[13:48] at the time.

[13:49] When Mayor Giuliani

[13:49] went on the TV

[13:50] and said,

[13:51] everybody, leave the city.

[13:53] Go to the town of Princeton.

[13:55] Because they immediately

[13:55] get on a train,

[13:57] and John Leguizamo's wife

[13:58] didn't get there in time,

[14:00] so they get on this train,

[14:01] and there's a big to-do

[14:02] about the marital problems

[14:03] when they're handing out tickets.

[14:04] But then John Leguizamo's

[14:06] getting a...

[14:07] It's a phone call

[14:08] from his wife,

[14:09] and he goes,

[14:09] I can't hear you.

[14:11] Text me.

[14:12] Text me.

[14:15] Text me.

[14:15] This goes on

[14:16] for about 40 minutes,

[14:17] and then he gets a text,

[14:19] and John Leguizamo says,

[14:21] and this is brilliant writing

[14:22] right here,

[14:22] he goes,

[14:22] oh no, she's good.

[14:23] She's taking a bus

[14:24] to the town of Princeton.

[14:26] These people live in Philadelphia.

[14:27] Princeton is not a foreign concept

[14:29] to them.

[14:29] The town of Princeton.

[14:30] The town of Princeton.

Dan McCoy

[14:31] Well, no, I don't...

[14:32] I've never even been to Princeton,

[14:33] and I feel comfortable

[14:34] just referring to it

[14:35] as Princeton.

[14:36] I mean, it's...

[14:37] I don't have to specify

[14:37] to people that I'm going

[14:38] to the town of Princeton.

[14:39] Like, or is she going

[14:40] to one of the university buildings?

[14:42] But that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[14:42] Even if we didn't know

[14:43] that it's a well-known town

[14:44] because of the university,

[14:45] from the context

[14:46] of the sentence,

[14:48] we should know

[14:48] it's a place

[14:49] that she's going to.

Stuart Wellington

[14:50] Like, she's not like,

[14:50] she got into Princeton.

[14:52] She'll be going there

[14:53] next semester.

Dan McCoy

[14:54] Oh.

[14:55] Mark Wahlberg,

[14:55] she's matriculating

[14:57] at Princeton currently,

[14:58] so we better go there.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] She's going to the lair

[15:01] of Lord Princeton.

[15:03] He should be able

[15:03] to lock them up.

[15:04] But there's a similar line

[15:06] later on where

[15:07] Zooey Deschanel

[15:08] is taking...

[15:09] And the characters

[15:10] walk into a house,

[15:11] and Zooey Deschanel goes,

[15:13] there must be a bathroom

[15:14] in this place.

[15:14] I'll go there.

[15:15] And it's like,

[15:16] there must be a bathroom

[15:17] in this place.

[15:18] Yeah, it's a house.

[15:20] Like, the audience...

[15:21] You can assume

Dan McCoy

[15:21] that there are basic human needs.

[15:23] Eating and shitting.

[15:24] There's a kitchen

[15:25] and there's a bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] It's not like

[15:26] if the line had been,

[15:27] I'll just go to the bathroom,

[15:29] that the audience

[15:29] would have been like,

[15:30] how does she know

[15:31] there's a bathroom

[15:32] in this building?

Stuart Wellington

[15:33] You're stretching

[15:34] my ability

[15:34] to believe this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[15:36] M. Night,

[15:37] sit down with me

[15:38] for a second.

[15:39] There's only so much

[15:40] I'm going to buy.

[15:42] Plants.

Stuart Wellington

[15:42] Sure.

[15:43] We here on Main Street USA

[15:45] just, you know...

[15:46] Joe Sixpack

Elliott Kalan

[15:47] doesn't understand.

[15:48] Hockey Mom,

[15:49] you know,

[15:49] and so forth.

[15:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:50] We're wearing our

[15:51] political allegiance

[15:52] on our sleeve here, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[15:53] Yeah, Red State

[15:54] all the way.

[15:54] Anyway,

[15:55] but anyway,

[15:56] so they leave.

[15:57] They go to it.

[15:58] The train stops

[15:59] in a station called

[16:00] Filbert

[16:00] because the conductors

[16:01] have lost...

[16:02] Where Filberts are grown.

[16:03] Where Filberts are grown,

[16:04] yeah,

[16:04] where they make paintbrushes.

[16:06] And they...

Dan McCoy

[16:07] Where the strip

[16:10] Dilbert is written

[16:11] after there was a typo.

Elliott Kalan

[16:13] But there's like...

[16:15] The conductors stop

[16:16] the train and get out

[16:17] and everyone's like,

Dan McCoy

[16:18] where are...

[16:19] And Mark Wilberts is like,

Elliott Kalan

[16:20] we don't even know

[16:20] where we are.

[16:21] You're at a train station

[16:22] and it says Filbert

[16:23] right there.

[16:24] Exactly.

[16:24] And this is on the

[16:25] root of the train.

[16:26] There's a train track.

[16:28] It...

[16:28] As you said,

[16:29] Dan,

[16:29] you said it's the joke

[16:30] from Darjeeling Limited

[16:31] where it's like,

[16:31] how can we get lost?

[16:32] We're on a train.

[16:33] Exactly.

[16:33] But they're playing it

[16:34] seriously.

[16:34] Like,

[16:35] the train got lost!

Dan McCoy

[16:36] Well,

[16:36] what you don't understand

[16:37] is all of the conductors

[16:39] on that train,

[16:39] it's their first day.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] Well,

[16:41] the thing,

[16:41] because the conductors

[16:42] are like,

[16:42] we've lost contact

[16:43] with everybody.

[16:44] There's no one,

[16:44] we can't contact

[16:45] from the train.

[16:46] Like,

[16:46] so a standard operating

[16:47] procedure to just stop

[16:48] at whatever station

[16:49] you happen to be at

[16:50] and then get out

[16:50] of the train

[16:51] and leave it?

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] Abandoned train.

[16:53] Run off into the woods.

Elliott Kalan

[16:54] The radio's not working.

[16:55] Better junk this train.

Dan McCoy

[16:57] Tear off all the scrap

[16:58] for sale.

[16:58] This train is no longer

[17:00] of any use to us.

Elliott Kalan

[17:02] Burn it down.

[17:03] I want to see slag

[17:05] on this track.

[17:06] So,

[17:06] yeah.

[17:06] So they go to a diner.

[17:07] This is very much like

[17:08] the diner scene

[17:09] in The Birds,

[17:10] except it's shitty.

[17:12] And they watch,

[17:13] instead of seeing birds

[17:14] attack a man

[17:14] in a gas station blow up,

[17:16] which is exciting,

[17:17] they watch on an iPod

[17:18] as a zookeeper

[17:19] allows his arms

[17:20] to be ripped off

[17:21] by lions

[17:21] in a really ridiculously

[17:22] fake scene.

Stuart Wellington

[17:23] And now they're watching

[17:23] it on an iPod

[17:25] because the shot,

[17:27] which is clearly

[17:28] just shot on film,

[17:29] like,

[17:29] it's just like,

[17:30] hey,

[17:30] we want to show you this.

[17:31] They just have this

[17:32] crappy frame

[17:33] of like,

[17:35] of like,

Stuart Wellington

[17:35] of like,

[17:36] of like,

[17:36] a crab fingers

[17:36] holding onto a fucking iPhone.

Elliott Kalan

[17:39] Yeah.

[17:39] And it looked,

[17:40] the whole thing

[17:40] looks fake.

[17:41] Everything in the movie

[17:42] looks fake.

[17:42] It's really poorly done.

[17:43] Then they watch the news

[17:44] and the news says,

[17:45] oh,

[17:45] there are a lot of attacks

[17:46] happening in the northeast.

[17:48] And the guy,

[17:49] and the guy who looks

[17:50] like an overweight

[17:50] Barton Fink

[17:51] who's running the diner

[17:52] says,

[17:53] this town's right here

[17:54] in the northeast.

[17:55] So everyone immediately

[17:57] runs out of the diner

[17:58] and drives off

[17:59] in different directions.

[18:00] It's like,

[18:01] yeah,

Dan McCoy

[18:02] feets don't fail me now.

Stuart Wellington

[18:04] Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[18:05] The exit,

[18:06] stage left.

[18:08] And holding their caps

[18:09] onto their head.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] There's just people-shaped

[18:12] holes in the walls.

[18:13] There's pups

[18:14] and smoke

[18:14] in them.

[18:16] It's like,

[18:16] really,

[18:16] everything is cartoonish.

[18:18] And Mark Wahlberg's like,

[18:20] hey,

[18:20] what are you doing?

[18:21] You're leaving me behind.

[18:22] I got a kid with me.

[18:25] And they hitch a ride

[18:26] with some people

[18:27] who own a plant nursery.

Dan McCoy

[18:28] Well,

[18:29] okay,

[18:29] but meanwhile,

[18:30] they split up.

[18:31] John Leguizamo's like,

[18:32] I gotta go find my wife.

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] Take my daughter.

[18:36] You need her for plot purposes.

Dan McCoy

[18:39] I'll go on my own.

[18:40] She might bring you

[18:40] closer together as a couple.

Elliott Kalan

[18:42] You know what?

[18:42] I'm going to find my wife.

[18:43] I won't bring my daughter

[18:45] along with me

[18:45] so I'll know

[18:46] where my family is.

Stuart Wellington

[18:47] Yeah,

[18:48] so John Leguizamo.

[18:48] In all this madness,

[18:49] it's best to spread out

[18:50] as much as possible.

Elliott Kalan

[18:52] And here's an example

[18:53] of how unimaginative

[18:54] the movie is,

[18:54] is that John Leguizamo

[18:56] and this group,

[18:56] they're driving to Princeton

[18:57] and this thing

[18:59] that is causing people

[19:00] to kill themselves,

[19:01] this gas or whatever,

Dan McCoy

[19:02] has already hit...

[19:02] Yeah,

[19:02] they believe it's like

[19:03] some sort of gas

[19:04] in the air at this point

[19:05] in the film.

Elliott Kalan

[19:05] Yeah,

[19:06] it's already hit Princeton

[19:07] and there are all

[19:08] these landscapers

[19:09] who have hung themselves

[19:10] from trees

[19:10] and at this point,

[19:12] like,

[19:12] the deaths are so silly

[19:14] in that way that,

[19:15] like,

[19:15] I half expected a scene

[19:16] at a kid's birthday party

[19:17] where a clown

[19:18] makes a new set

[19:19] of balloon animals

[19:20] and hangs himself.

[19:21] But the,

[19:21] like,

[19:22] they're driving past

[19:23] the landscaping truck

[19:24] and the name on it

[19:24] is Bill's Landscape.

[19:26] He didn't even go

[19:26] to the trouble

[19:27] of creating,

[19:28] like,

[19:28] a name you might find

[19:29] for a landscaping company

[19:30] in this movie.

[19:31] It was just laziness.

[19:33] M. Night Shyamalese.

Dan McCoy

[19:35] There's this tense scene

[19:36] where John Leguizamo

[19:38] tells everyone

[19:39] to roll the windows up

[19:41] and then he distracts

[19:42] the girl

[19:42] with a math riddle

[19:44] as he puts it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:45] A woman in the car

[19:45] who's panicked

Dan McCoy

[19:46] by all these...

[19:46] She's panicked.

[19:47] He's a math teacher

[19:49] at the high school

[19:50] so he's just like,

[19:51] hey,

[19:52] I've got a math riddle

[19:53] for you.

[19:54] Not a math problem,

[19:55] not a brain teaser,

[19:56] a math riddle.

[19:57] I think they came

Elliott Kalan

[19:57] from the high school

[19:58] and saved.

[20:00] Just like they're all

[20:01] just more into God

[20:02] than they are

[20:02] into the subjects

[20:03] that they teach.

Dan McCoy

[20:04] But then there's

[20:04] a terrifying slow push-in

[20:07] on a rip

[20:08] in the soft top

[20:10] of the car

[20:11] and they realize,

[20:13] oh my God,

[20:13] whatever's out there

[20:14] is getting into the car.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] And the next shot

[20:16] is the car

[20:17] stopping on the road

[20:18] then immediately accelerating

[20:20] and hitting a tree

[20:20] and a guy flying

[20:21] out of the windshield

[20:22] of the car

[20:22] in one shot.

[20:23] Which was actually

[20:24] pretty cool.

[20:24] It was pretty cool

[20:25] and it was like silly.

[20:26] It was like...

[20:26] Yeah,

[20:27] it's one of the

[20:27] most hilarious deaths

[20:28] ever put on film.

[20:30] And then John Leguizamo

[20:31] gets out

[20:32] and slits his wrist

[20:33] with a piece of glass

[20:33] in the middle of the street.

[20:34] And even that was

[20:35] kind of funny.

[20:37] Like the deaths

[20:38] are just done

[20:39] in such a goofy way

[20:40] that there's a guy later

[20:41] who lies down

[20:42] in front of a lawnmower.

[20:44] You know,

[20:44] I would like to see

[20:44] a John Leguizamo

Dan McCoy

[20:45] one-man show

[20:47] of all the characters

[20:47] in The Happening.

[20:49] That would be

[20:49] a good show, see?

[20:50] On HBO.

[20:51] And HBO's special of that.

Elliott Kalan

[20:52] But apparently

[20:53] they all came from

[20:54] Spanish Harlem somehow

[20:55] in this version.

Dan McCoy

[20:56] But meanwhile,

[20:57] Mark Wahlberg

[20:58] and Zoe's suggestion

[20:59] are having

[20:59] their own adventures.

Elliott Kalan

[21:01] Yeah.

[21:01] Oh, it's a real

[21:02] Altman film

[21:04] of parallel plots

Stuart Wellington

[21:05] and different adventures.

[21:08] There's that really good scene

[21:09] where people are trying

[21:10] to outrun the wind

[21:11] and then the wind

[21:12] gets them

[21:13] and they freeze.

Dan McCoy

[21:14] Yeah, well,

[21:14] okay, he hitches a ride

[21:16] with a plant-loving guy

[21:19] who owns a greenhouse

[21:20] who immediately springs

[21:22] to the conclusion,

[21:24] hey, maybe the plants

[21:25] are doing this,

[21:26] which is, spoiler alert,

[21:28] what's happening.

Stuart Wellington

[21:29] Yeah.

[21:29] The happening.

[21:30] And the big twist to me

[21:33] was that it wasn't

[21:34] fucking M. Night Shyamalan

[21:36] who told us that.

[21:37] Like, he normally

[21:37] loves to do that

[21:38] in his movies.

[21:38] Yeah, he's usually

[21:39] the guy who knows

[21:40] the truth.

[21:40] Hey, it's me,

[21:40] the crackpot

[21:41] who actually knows

[21:42] everything in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[21:43] And I'm also the director

[21:44] and the screenwriter.

[21:45] Wink!

[21:46] I'm great.

Dan McCoy

[21:46] He kind of tries

[21:47] to cover it up

[21:48] by having the character

[21:49] who says it

[21:49] be the zany guy

[21:51] who you believe

[21:52] thinks that plants

[21:53] are responsible

[21:54] for everything.

[21:54] He does also say that

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] plants kill JFK.

[21:57] You know, like.

[21:57] He does also say

[21:58] that bushes can talk

[21:59] to trees

[22:00] and that plants

[22:01] evolve at a rapid rate.

[22:02] Right.

[22:03] And he has this strange

Dan McCoy

[22:04] obsession with hot dogs, too.

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] Yeah, and one of his

[22:07] first lines is,

[22:08] I love hot dogs.

[22:09] Who doesn't like hot dogs?

[22:10] He's like,

Dan McCoy

[22:11] you like hot dogs,

[22:12] don't you?

[22:12] They taste great.

Elliott Kalan

[22:13] They're a very convenient shape.

[22:15] You like hot dogs, right?

[22:16] And then you.

Dan McCoy

[22:17] There's a cut to

[22:17] Zooey Deschanel

[22:18] and she's just like

[22:19] awkwardly like

Elliott Kalan

[22:19] shaking her head.

[22:20] No.

[22:21] He's like, all right.

[22:21] And then later you see

[22:22] him eating a hot dog

[22:23] and it's like, ah!

[22:24] He loves hot dogs!

[22:26] He took hot dogs

[22:27] on the survival adventure

[22:28] they're having.

Stuart Wellington

[22:28] He's the hot dog guy!

[22:29] This is great!

[22:30] Oh, God!

[22:30] It's so good to laugh

[22:31] in such a tough time!

Elliott Kalan

[22:32] But I see M. Night Shyamalan

[22:34] literally, he's like,

[22:35] I have all these small characters

[22:36] in this movie

[22:37] who end up dying.

[22:37] I better come up

[22:38] with characteristics

[22:39] for each of them

[22:39] so they're believable.

[22:40] I'm gonna make this guy

[22:41] a hot dog lover.

[22:42] Yeah, he's an aficionado.

[22:44] That must have come after like,

[22:46] mmm, cat person?

[22:47] No, that doesn't work so well.

[22:50] Ugh, extreme skateboarder.

[22:51] Wait, like a half-man-half cat person?

[22:52] No, just like someone

[22:53] who likes cats.

[22:54] Like a Jax champion?

[22:56] He plays Jax?

[22:57] See, that would be more interesting

[22:58] if he was an actual cat person.

[23:00] It's like,

[23:01] I think the plants

[23:02] are doing this.

[23:03] And then he kills someone

[23:04] and they shoot him

[23:05] and then,

[23:06] run!

[23:06] We got a cat person

[23:07] to deal with!

S1

[23:07] Like sleepwalkers!

Elliott Kalan

[23:09] Yeah, if it was like

[23:10] Stephen King's sleepwalkers.

[23:13] At least then it would have

[23:15] Machen Hammack in it.

[23:16] Yeah, that was

[23:17] a very strange movie.

Dan McCoy

[23:19] By the way,

[23:20] here's a side note.

[23:22] Incestuous cat.

[23:22] If you're looking for

[23:23] a bad movie

[23:24] to watch on Halloween

[23:25] to laugh at,

[23:26] Sleepwalkers is

[23:27] an A-plus bad film.

[23:29] But meanwhile,

[23:30] M. Night Shyamalan

[23:32] has someone

[23:33] state the premise

[23:34] of his film

[23:35] making a huge

[23:36] logical leap.

[23:38] basically accepts it,

[23:40] I guess.

[23:40] Yeah.

[23:40] Because then later on

[23:41] in the movie

[23:41] he knows what's going on.

Elliott Kalan

[23:43] Well, he is a scientist.

[23:44] Yeah, he's a science teacher.

[23:46] Science teachers

[23:47] teach science,

[23:47] which tells us

[23:48] that if someone

[23:48] tells you something

[23:49] it's true.

[23:50] And you draw inferences

[23:52] from what you already know

[23:53] and apply that

[23:53] to things going on

[23:56] around you

[23:56] even if they aren't

[23:57] supported by factual evidence.

Dan McCoy

[23:58] I think that's called

[23:58] the scientific method.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] Yeah, it's called

[24:00] the scientific method 2.0.

Dan McCoy

[24:03] So, they...

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] Anyway,

[24:06] we don't have to go over

[24:07] every adventure

[24:08] they have along the way.

[24:09] But the thing is

Dan McCoy

[24:09] there's not a lot

[24:10] of depth to the plot

[24:12] so I think we can.

Elliott Kalan

[24:13] It is a movie

[24:14] that goes from

[24:15] point A to point B

[24:16] to point C

[24:17] through point Z

[24:18] and then leaves you there.

[24:20] There's the scene

Stuart Wellington

[24:20] where there's

[24:21] the two of them

[24:23] and the little girl

[24:24] and then these two kids

[24:25] and they're banging on

[24:27] this house

[24:28] trying to get in.

[24:29] This is after

Elliott Kalan

[24:30] they've realized

[24:31] that what it is

[24:32] is when there's

[24:33] too many people

[24:34] in a group

[24:35] plants can sense that

[24:36] and kill them.

[24:37] So, they've got to

[24:38] split up into smaller groups.

Dan McCoy

[24:39] That's how evolution works.

[24:40] Any defense mechanism

[24:41] a plant has

[24:43] is something

[24:43] that is intentional.

[24:45] It's entirely intentional.

[24:46] It's targeted.

[24:47] They control it.

Elliott Kalan

[24:48] oh, there's more than

[24:49] five people walking together.

[24:51] I'm going to release

[24:51] this neurotoxin.

[24:52] They made a deal with the wind

[24:53] so that the wind will blow

[24:54] whenever they've got

[24:55] to release this toxin.

[24:55] Yeah, there's a scene

[24:56] with Aeolus.

[24:57] As Stuart pointed out,

[24:59] with Aeolus,

[25:00] the wind god,

[25:01] they decided to make a deal.

Dan McCoy

[25:03] Well, we talked about it.

[25:04] It's like the scene

[25:05] in Day After Tomorrow

[25:08] where Jake Gyllenhaal

[25:09] is outrunning the cold.

[25:12] There's a scene

[25:12] where he's running down a hall

[25:13] and things are freezing

[25:14] behind him.

[25:15] Or, like you said,

[25:16] in The Mummy Returns

[25:17] where they're outrunning

[25:18] the sun.

[25:18] Yeah.

[25:19] In this movie,

[25:20] there's a scene

[25:20] where they try

[25:21] and outrun the wind.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] And Mark Wahlberg says,

[25:23] we've just got to stay

[25:23] ahead of the wind,

[25:25] which is impossible.

[25:27] Well, it's science.

[25:28] Unless you're,

[25:29] what's his name,

[25:30] Bolt,

[25:31] the Olympic record-holding sprinter.

[25:34] You're saying Bolt?

[25:34] Yeah.

[25:35] You're not going to be able

[25:35] to outrun the wind.

[25:36] Maybe he can.

[25:38] He's got golden shoes.

Dan McCoy

[25:39] But yeah,

[25:40] they go to a house

[25:42] and they bang on the doors.

[25:44] And you were talking

[25:45] about this, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[25:45] Yeah, the people

[25:46] aren't very excited

[25:47] about letting in

[25:48] the toxins

[25:50] or terrorists

[25:50] or some shit.

[25:51] They're distinctly

Dan McCoy

[25:51] unenthralled by the idea.

Stuart Wellington

[25:53] Yeah, they're not

[25:54] very enthusiastic

[25:54] about the idea

[25:55] of opening up their doors.

[25:56] And these kids

[25:58] who are young teens,

[25:59] of course,

[26:00] they don't take

[26:01] no for an answer.

[26:01] They keep banging on stuff.

[26:03] They keep pushing.

[26:04] As kids will.

[26:05] They keep pushing.

[26:06] And finally,

[26:06] I'm guessing hillbillies?

[26:08] I don't know.

[26:09] They're in central Pennsylvania.

[26:10] Some sort of

Elliott Kalan

[26:10] backcountry Pennsylvania.

Dan McCoy

[26:12] I assume that it's just

[26:13] sentient house.

[26:15] Shotgun?

[26:15] Shotgun.

[26:16] Yeah, it's a sentient shotgun.

Stuart Wellington

[26:17] Yeah, the door opens,

[26:19] which doesn't seem

[26:19] like a wise move

[26:20] because then toxins

[26:21] could get in.

[26:22] But the door opens

[26:22] and a shotgun comes out

[26:24] and blasts one of the kids.

[26:25] And while the other kid's like,

[26:27] what the heck?

[26:28] Another shotgun pokes

[26:29] through the window

[26:30] and blows his head off.

Elliott Kalan

[26:31] What I also love is

[26:31] everyone's acting about

[26:34] the people on the other

[26:34] side of the wall

[26:35] as if they don't know

[26:36] what people are.

[26:37] So they come up to this house

[26:38] and they're peeking

[26:39] through the cracks

[26:39] in the shutters

[26:40] and they see something

[26:41] walk along next to it

[26:42] and they're like,

[26:43] there's something in there.

[26:45] Then there's another one!

[26:46] But there are people

[26:47] inside a house

[26:48] who are talking to them

[26:49] and saying,

[26:50] we're not going to let you in.

[26:51] They're not chuds.

[26:51] Yeah, there's some

[26:53] really good slow motion.

Stuart Wellington

[26:54] There's good slow motion

[26:55] when the kids got shot

[26:57] because Mark Wahlberg

[26:58] had to get really upset.

Elliott Kalan

[26:59] It was about one inch away

[27:01] from being the

Dan McCoy

[27:02] that I wanted it to be.

[27:06] Yeah.

[27:07] And so,

[27:08] undeterred by their experience

[27:09] at this house,

[27:10] they decide to go

[27:10] to another house.

[27:12] Which has a crazy old lady in it.

[27:14] Crazy old lady, you say?

[27:15] I find that hard to believe.

[27:17] There's a swing.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] That first house,

[27:18] the swing is at the house

[27:20] with the shotguns.

[27:21] There's a swing

[27:21] hanging from a tree

[27:23] and the little girl's

[27:25] on the swing

[27:25] and Zooey Deschanel

[27:26] is pushing it

[27:26] and Mark Wahlberg says,

[27:27] do you think that's

[27:28] not a good idea?

[27:29] Or something like that.

[27:31] Maybe that's not

[27:31] a good idea?

[27:33] But then,

Dan McCoy

[27:33] someone told Mark Wahlberg

[27:35] that questions always had

[27:36] a raising inflection

[27:38] at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] But the camera pans up.

[27:40] It's a tree

[27:41] holding that swing up!

[27:43] Bum, bum!

[27:43] Not like a giant?

[27:45] Nothing.

[27:45] It's not a monster,

[27:47] it's not a robot,

[27:47] not a crane.

[27:48] It's a tree.

[27:49] Not like a brontosaurus tail?

[27:50] No, just like every swing

[27:52] in the world,

[27:52] it's a tree.

[27:53] And then,

[27:54] they show an overhead shot

[27:55] of her swinging on the swing

[27:56] and the branch is shaking

[27:58] and at any moment

[27:58] you're like,

[27:59] uh-oh,

[27:59] that branch is going to fall off

[28:00] and then it doesn't.

[28:01] And it's over

[28:02] and it never matters.

[28:04] You know?

[28:04] Yeah.

[28:05] It has none of the thrills

[28:07] or horror of the scene

[28:08] in Wizard of Oz

[28:09] where the trees start

[28:10] throwing apples

[28:10] at the scarecrow

[28:11] and Dorothy.

[28:12] Like,

[28:12] that scene is scarier

[28:13] than the entire movie

[28:14] that happened.

Dan McCoy

[28:15] But anyway,

[28:16] they go on to another house

[28:17] which is owned

[28:19] by a crazy old lady.

[28:21] Sure.

[28:21] This is after they briefly

[28:23] stopped at a realtor's

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] model house.

[28:25] Oh yeah,

[28:26] that's true.

[28:26] That's where the bathroom

[28:27] question comes up.

[28:28] Anyway,

[28:29] she's drinking her lemon drink.

[28:31] No one talks like

[28:32] a human being

[28:32] in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[28:33] No.

[28:34] No,

[28:34] they don't.

[28:35] Well,

[28:35] this is,

[28:36] but this woman talks

[28:37] even less like a human being.

[28:38] This woman talks like

[28:39] a rejected Tennessee Williams

[28:40] character.

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] She does,

[28:42] she's talking over dinner

[28:43] with these characters.

[28:44] She's very mean

[28:45] and hostile

[28:46] and invites them to dinner

[28:47] and she's creepy

[28:48] and she says to them

[28:49] over dinner,

[28:50] uh,

[28:50] like,

[28:51] one of you's chasens

[28:52] the other

[28:52] to,

[28:53] uh,

[28:53] Zoe Deschanel

[28:54] and Mark Wahlberg

[28:55] and she goes,

[28:55] that's the way

[28:56] we's made,

[28:57] speaking of,

[28:58] like,

[28:58] humans.

[28:59] We's made to chases

[29:00] each other.

[29:01] Well,

Dan McCoy

[29:01] what you don't realize

[29:02] is she learned

[29:03] how to speak English

[29:04] reading little Abner comments.

[29:06] But anyway,

[29:08] but she does provide

[29:09] some important

[29:10] expository dialogue

[29:11] which is that

[29:12] if you're out in the,

[29:13] uh,

[29:13] shed,

[29:14] uh,

[29:14] you can talk

[29:15] and because of

[29:17] some sort of

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] some sort of

[29:18] underground passage

[29:19] from the underground railroad.

Dan McCoy

[29:20] Yeah,

[29:20] you can be heard

[29:21] in the main house.

Elliott Kalan

[29:22] She gives them a short lecture

[29:22] on the history of the house

[29:23] and gives them

[29:25] that important piece

[29:26] of information.

Dan McCoy

[29:26] I would say

[29:26] it stops the movie cold

[29:28] but the movie

[29:28] stops cold

[29:29] every five minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[29:30] It's,

[29:30] it's,

[29:31] the movie is very,

[29:32] for a thriller

[29:32] it's very leisurely paced

[29:34] and,

[29:34] uh,

[29:34] not a lot is happening.

[29:36] A lot of the time.

Stuart Wellington

[29:38] Happening.

[29:39] Uh,

[29:39] the,

[29:40] the best part is when

[29:41] they're about to go to bed

[29:42] and they're like,

[29:42] man,

[29:42] this lady's totally crazy.

[29:44] Uh,

[29:45] that's paraphrased obviously

[29:46] and,

[29:47] um.

[29:47] Not,

[29:47] not that paraphrased.

[29:48] It's pretty close though.

[29:48] And,

[29:49] and like,

[29:49] they hear a noise

[29:50] so Mark Wahlberg

[29:51] goes to the door

[29:51] and he sees the old lady

[29:53] in her nightgown down there

[29:54] and she's like,

[29:55] like,

[29:56] you're talking about

[29:57] stealing stuff.

[29:58] You're gonna kill me.

[29:59] And at that point

[29:59] I'd be like,

[30:00] what the fuck

[30:01] are you talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[30:02] Kill you?

[30:04] doesn't say like,

[30:05] no.

[30:06] Of course not.

[30:06] What are you crazy?

[30:07] He says,

[30:08] no,

[30:09] no,

[30:10] we weren't,

[30:10] no,

[30:11] we weren't talking about it.

[30:12] In a suspicious way.

[30:14] And like,

[30:14] he's like,

[30:14] I was kind of thinking

[30:15] of killing you.

[30:16] And like,

[30:16] the next shot

Stuart Wellington

[30:17] is him like waking up.

[30:19] Like,

[30:19] what the fuck

[30:19] are you talking about?

[30:20] It's like,

[30:21] you're trying to kill me,

[30:22] aren't you?

[30:23] No,

[30:23] no,

[30:24] no,

[30:25] don't you?

Elliott Kalan

[30:25] Well,

[30:26] time to go to bed.

[30:27] Oh,

[30:28] this is gonna feel great.

[30:29] Tonight,

[30:30] crazy old lady.

[30:31] Oh,

[30:31] it's gonna feel so good

[30:32] just to lie down,

[30:34] just to get some Z's.

Dan McCoy

[30:35] Well,

[30:35] then I love it.

[30:36] He gets up in the next morning.

[30:38] Zooey Deschanel,

[30:39] the kid are gone.

[30:40] You know,

Stuart Wellington

[30:40] he's slowly,

[30:41] ever so slowly

[30:42] walking through the house.

[30:43] It feels like it takes 15 minutes.

Dan McCoy

[30:44] He opens her bedroom

[30:47] and he keeps saying her name.

[30:49] He's like,

[30:50] Mrs. Jones.

[30:50] And he's like,

[30:51] creeping towards the bed,

[30:52] which clearly has a large,

[30:53] oversized doll on it.

[30:54] It's not Mrs. Jones.

[30:56] But he seems to believe

[30:57] it's Mrs. Jones

[30:58] right up until he's up

[30:59] right on it.

[30:59] Like a creepy,

[31:00] rotten-faced doll.

[31:01] Well,

[31:01] he's very nearsighted.

[31:02] I think,

[31:02] yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[31:02] and it's a creepy doll.

[31:03] I think maybe one of the things

[31:05] about the character

[31:05] that was in a cut scene

[31:06] is that he's nearsighted,

[31:09] so like,

[31:09] he has trouble

[31:10] recognizing what things are.

Dan McCoy

[31:11] There was an earlier scene

[31:12] where he's like,

[31:13] talking to a mannequin

[31:14] thinking it's

[31:15] Zooey Deschanel.

[31:16] It's like a Mr. Magoo character.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] He thinks that a hot water heater

[31:21] is, you know,

[31:23] I don't know,

[31:23] a popsicle.

[31:25] And he licks it

[31:26] and burns his tongue.

[31:28] This is why I never wrote

[31:30] Mr. Magoo cartoons.

[31:32] I'm not very good at it.

[31:33] Yeah, okay,

[31:34] Mr. Magoo sees a sewer entrance

[31:36] and he picks up the mantle

[31:37] covered and he thinks

[31:38] it's a pizza.

[31:38] And he eats it.

[31:39] And he hurts his teeth.

[31:40] The end.

Dan McCoy

[31:42] The end?

[31:43] That's a really short

[31:44] Mr. Magoo cartoon.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] Listen,

[31:46] I'm just doing this

[31:47] because I want to work

[31:47] with Jim Backus.

[31:48] That's the only reason

[31:49] I'm interested.

[31:51] All right, well.

[31:52] I just wanted to do

[31:53] my answering machine message.

Dan McCoy

[31:55] Anyway,

[31:55] well,

[31:55] she's quickly dispatched with.

[31:57] The crazy old lady

[31:59] rams her head

[32:00] into a mirror

[32:00] because the neurotoxin

[32:02] gets into her brain.

[32:03] Oh,

[32:03] this is after she yells

[32:04] at him to get out

[32:04] of her house.

[32:05] Yeah,

[32:05] I guess the plants

[32:06] are angered

[32:06] that she's not being

[32:07] more hospitable

[32:08] than Mark Wahlberg.

[32:10] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[32:10] I don't get it.

[32:10] The plants seem to be

[32:11] very,

[32:12] like,

[32:12] they don't,

[32:13] they kind of have

[32:14] a do no harm rule

[32:15] with Mark Wahlberg.

[32:17] Actually,

[32:17] you know what,

[32:17] it's that the toxins

[32:18] seem to be getting

[32:19] stronger and stronger

[32:20] in strength

[32:21] and even killing

[32:22] single people.

[32:22] So,

[32:23] we see her

[32:24] Like the single guy.

[32:26] But we see

[32:26] David Silverman.

[32:28] Jonathan Silverman.

[32:28] Jonathan Silverman,

[32:29] sorry.

[32:30] We've both gotten

[32:31] names wrong

[32:31] at some point

[32:32] during this.

[32:32] Notes that I haven't.

[32:34] Yeah,

[32:35] another perfect

[32:35] Wellington.

[32:37] We see her

[32:38] walk by a window.

[32:40] Then the camera

[32:40] follows along

[32:42] the inside of the wall

[32:43] for,

[32:44] what,

[32:45] an hour?

[32:46] While she's,

[32:47] in theory,

[32:47] walking on the other

[32:48] side of this wall.

[32:49] And it's literally like,

[32:51] M. Night Shyamalan was like,

[32:52] the set dressers

[32:52] did such a good job

[32:53] on this set,

[32:54] I'm just gonna show it

[32:55] for a long time.

[32:56] This is gonna be great.

[32:57] And then you hear

[32:57] thump,

[32:58] thump,

[32:59] thump,

[32:59] and the assumption is,

[33:01] she's like hitting her head

[33:02] against the wall

[33:03] or something.

[33:03] That's goofy.

[33:04] And then she walks up

[33:05] to the window

[33:06] and smashes her head

[33:07] through the window.

[33:08] And you're like,

[33:08] oh,

[33:08] that's what,

[33:09] oh,

[33:09] they actually had her doing.

[33:11] That's stupid.

[33:11] Okay.

[33:12] And she dies.

[33:13] And then she dies

[33:13] smashing her head

[33:14] through a window.

[33:14] That part is kind of creepy,

[33:16] though,

[33:16] when her head just

[33:17] smashes through that window.

[33:18] Well,

Stuart Wellington

[33:18] incomparably.

[33:18] I mean,

[33:19] what's,

[33:19] yeah,

[33:19] what's gonna be

[33:20] on her tombstone?

[33:21] Think about that.

Elliott Kalan

[33:22] Pepperonis

[33:23] and extra cheese.

[33:26] Remember those ads,

[33:27] everybody?

Stuart Wellington

[33:29] New York City.

[33:30] Yeah,

[33:30] isn't that what,

[33:31] like,

[33:31] it's a different product.

[33:32] I thought we were

[33:35] just doing ad taglines.

[33:37] Weren't there always

[33:37] like banditos

[33:38] or something?

[33:39] There's a guy

Elliott Kalan

[33:39] who was gonna be shot

[33:40] by a firing squad.

[33:41] Oh,

[33:42] okay.

[33:42] What would you like

[33:43] on your tombstone?

[33:44] And then he goes,

[33:44] pepperoni and sausage.

[33:47] Tombstone pizza,

[33:48] Pierre!

[33:48] And it's like,

[33:49] we were gonna shoot you

[33:50] for your crimes

[33:51] against the state,

[33:52] but you know,

[33:52] we'll just get you

[33:52] a pizza instead.

[33:53] Here you go.

[33:55] And then,

[33:55] oh,

[33:55] they say like,

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] Or was the joke

[33:57] because they're gonna

[33:57] bury him in an unmarked

[33:58] grave or something?

[34:00] I think that,

[34:01] don't they,

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] aren't they like

Dan McCoy

[34:02] later standing around

[34:03] like all the firing squad

[34:05] jollily having pizza

[34:07] with him?

Dan McCoy

[34:07] Because it starts,

Elliott Kalan

[34:07] he says,

[34:08] blindfold?

[34:09] No.

[34:10] Cigarette?

[34:10] No.

[34:11] What do you want

[34:12] in your tombstone?

[34:13] yeah,

[34:14] and then they're all

[34:14] sitting around

[34:15] eating pizza

[34:16] and the leader

[34:17] of the firing squad

[34:18] goes,

[34:18] napkin?

[34:19] And the guy goes,

[34:20] no.

[34:20] And the firing squad

[34:21] leader has a look

[34:22] on his face like,

[34:22] oh,

[34:22] you got me again!

[34:24] It's a nonsensical

[34:26] commercial when you

[34:26] really think about it.

[34:27] He had a mustache,

[34:27] didn't he?

[34:28] Yes.

[34:28] One of the characters

[34:29] They both did,

[34:30] I think.

[34:30] But really,

[34:31] when you name your

[34:32] pizza company

[34:32] after a grave marker,

[34:34] you're asking for

[34:34] that kind of trouble,

[34:35] you know?

[34:36] But they look like

Stuart Wellington

[34:37] characters from

[34:37] the Croc cartoon,

[34:39] right?

[34:40] The comic strip Croc.

[34:42] The French Foreign Legion

Dan McCoy

[34:44] comic strip.

[34:45] The most relevant thing

[34:47] to most newspaper readers.

[34:49] oh,

[34:50] yes,

[34:51] the Zanian Visions

[34:52] of the French Foreign Legion.

[34:54] Oh,

[34:54] that Croc.

[34:55] Something that even

[34:57] has a comedy device

[34:58] hasn't been in style

[34:59] since,

[35:00] say,

[35:00] Abbott and Costello.

[35:01] It's at least as relevant

Elliott Kalan

[35:02] as, like,

[35:02] Mark Trail.

[35:03] He's fighting fucking

[35:04] animal smugglers

[35:05] all the time.

[35:07] How many times

[35:08] can he go through

[35:09] that story,

[35:09] you know?

[35:10] There was a really

[35:11] sad Mark Trail

[35:12] I remember seeing once

[35:13] where Mark Trail

[35:14] and the kid who pals

[35:15] around with him,

[35:15] I guess it's his son,

[35:16] are in a cavern

[35:17] that's flooding

[35:18] and it was just like

[35:19] three or four panels

[35:19] and it was just like,

[35:20] I'm scared,

[35:21] Dad.

[35:21] I know.

[35:22] I know.

[35:22] It's okay.

[35:24] I'm scared.

[35:24] And he goes,

[35:25] but I'm proud of you,

[35:26] son.

[35:26] And that was the whole thing.

[35:27] And it was like,

[35:28] this is the saddest comic story.

[35:29] There was no,

[35:30] like,

[35:31] will Mark Trail escape

[35:32] or, like,

[35:32] but wait,

[35:33] look,

[35:33] that hatch up,

[35:34] there was no,

[35:34] like,

[35:35] cliffhanger.

[35:35] It was just,

[35:36] these characters

[35:37] are going to die now

[35:38] and they're approaching

Dan McCoy

[35:40] to each other.

[35:40] I love that comic.

[35:42] For my money,

[35:42] that's the strangest

[35:43] of the soap opera comics

[35:45] by far.

[35:45] Mark Trail,

[35:46] yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] one of them.

[35:48] when Terry and the Pirates

[35:49] had that character

[35:49] who was living inside

[35:50] of an exoskeleton,

[35:51] that was pretty weird,

[35:52] too,

[35:52] but that's an adventure comic.

[35:53] Anyway,

[35:53] to get back to the,

[35:54] and when Brenda Starr

[35:55] had that abortion

[35:56] on camera

[35:57] in the comic strip,

[35:58] that was weird.

Dan McCoy

[35:59] To get back

[36:00] to the happening,

[36:01] I'm sure you think

[36:02] that there's probably

[36:03] an exciting end

[36:05] to this film.

[36:06] You'd be wrong.

[36:08] Surely there's not

[36:09] just a deus ex machina.

[36:11] You'd assume

Elliott Kalan

[36:11] that Mark Wahlberg

[36:12] beats up every plant

[36:13] in America

[36:14] to keep us safe

[36:15] or something like,

[36:16] or like,

[36:16] they set the forests

[36:17] on fire,

[36:18] something like that.

[36:19] Like a tree beard

[36:19] style character

[36:20] shows up.

[36:21] He goes,

[36:22] if you can defeat me

[36:23] in single combat,

[36:24] I will save the humans.

Stuart Wellington

[36:26] It's like,

[36:27] like the end

[36:28] of Karate Kid Part 2

[36:29] with like all the humans

[36:30] playing little hand drums

[36:32] and Peter Cetera's song

[36:34] or something.

[36:35] No,

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] it just turns out to...

[36:36] And then,

[36:36] Kyle McLaughlin tells him,

[36:37] you must not fear.

[36:38] Fear is the mind killer.

[36:40] That would be awesome.

[36:40] Fear is the little death

[36:41] within us all.

Stuart Wellington

[36:42] Yep.

[36:43] Spice.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] When I saw that as a kid,

[36:44] I first saw that pilot

[36:45] in the beginning

[36:46] who's in the giant tank

[36:47] and he's like a whale man.

[36:49] Yeah.

[36:49] That freaked me out.

[36:50] I was amazed by that.

Dan McCoy

[36:52] If you think that this

[36:53] discussion of Dune

[36:54] is anticlimactic,

[36:55] just watch the happening.

[36:57] After we...

Elliott Kalan

[36:57] Okay,

[36:58] so the old lady

[36:59] kills herself

[36:59] and then the wind comes up.

[37:01] Oh no!

[37:02] Mark Wahlberg,

[37:02] talking through

[37:03] the secret passage

[37:04] we found out about before,

[37:05] tells his wife

[37:06] and their new adopted daughter

[37:08] of their friend who died,

[37:09] they should close all the doors,

[37:10] close all the windows,

[37:11] ah!

[37:12] no,

[37:13] I'm gonna come out

[37:13] and be with you

[37:14] and he walks out

[37:15] and then they go,

[37:16] no,

[37:16] we'll be with you

[37:17] and they walk out

[37:18] and everything's fine.

Dan McCoy

[37:20] Lo and behold,

[37:20] it's all over.

Elliott Kalan

[37:21] Oh,

[37:22] thank goodness.

[37:23] And...

[37:23] It's not happening anymore.

[37:25] Cut to,

[37:25] three months later,

[37:26] civilization is fine

[37:28] and there's a guy on TV

[37:29] saying this was an act of nature

[37:30] and we'll never know.

[37:32] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[37:32] another scientist

[37:32] reiterating the idea that,

[37:34] oh,

[37:35] science is basically

[37:36] just a bunch of people

[37:37] not learning about things.

[37:40] Just accepting the unknowability

[37:41] of the world.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] And,

[37:43] and Zoe Deschanel learns

[37:44] that she's pregnant

[37:45] and has a big smile on her face

[37:46] because now she can

[37:47] project all of her own insecurities

[37:49] onto a child

[37:49] and ruin that child's life.

[37:51] But then,

Dan McCoy

[37:51] we cut to Paris.

[37:53] Oh my god,

[37:54] what's going on in Paris, guys?

[37:55] Paris Hilton?

[37:56] No,

[37:56] Paris,

[37:57] the town,

[37:58] Paris.

[37:59] Not Paris,

[37:59] Texas either,

[38:00] Paris,

[38:01] France.

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] Yeah,

[38:02] it would be more interesting

[38:03] if it was Harry Dean,

[38:04] if it was,

[38:05] Harry Dean Stanton

[38:06] sitting in a peep show booth

[38:07] talking to,

[38:08] was it Nastasha Kinski?

[38:09] Yeah.

[38:09] And then suddenly plants

[38:11] started killing themselves,

[38:12] you know.

[38:12] Oh my god.

[38:13] Wait,

Dan McCoy

[38:13] the plants are killing themselves?

[38:14] I would love to see

Elliott Kalan

[38:16] Vin Vendor's The Happening.

[38:17] Vin Vendor's,

[38:18] that would have been so,

[38:19] well,

[38:19] but here's the thing,

[38:20] Vin Vendor's The Happening

[38:22] would have had atmosphere

[38:23] and it would have had tone.

[38:24] You know,

[38:24] say what you will about his movies,

[38:26] they can be slow,

[38:26] but they have atmosphere,

[38:27] whereas this had nothing,

[38:28] for a movie about an airborne toxin,

[38:31] there's no atmosphere

[38:31] in this movie,

[38:32] you know.

Stuart Wellington

[38:32] Airborne toxin

[38:33] that makes you kill yourself,

[38:35] you would expect like,

[38:37] well,

[38:37] we can't rely on,

[38:38] you know,

[38:39] normal style fucking,

[38:40] like,

[38:41] fright gags to work.

[38:42] Maybe we should try and focus on,

[38:44] getting people to like,

[38:45] actually like,

[38:46] but the ending of this movie,

Dan McCoy

[38:47] they cut to France

[38:49] and it's like,

[38:49] oh my god,

[38:50] it's happening again.

[38:52] And it's basically

[38:52] the same ending

[38:54] as 28 weeks later

[38:56] when like,

[38:57] Spoiler alert.

[38:58] Yeah,

[38:59] spoiler alert for 28 weeks later

[39:00] where the last shot

[39:02] is a bunch of zombies

[39:03] running in front of the Eiffel Tower.

[39:05] And when I saw that,

[39:06] it was going,

[39:07] Spring Break!

[39:09] Yeah!

[39:09] With the rays on.

[39:11] When I saw that,

[39:11] I'm like,

[39:12] holding huge loaves of bread.

[39:14] Sacre bleu!

[39:16] French zombie!

[39:17] Les zombies!

[39:19] And in both cases,

[39:21] in this movie

[39:21] and in 28 weeks later,

[39:23] which is a much better movie

[39:24] than this movie,

[39:24] but in both cases,

[39:25] I was like,

[39:26] am I supposed to be

[39:28] creeped out by this?

[39:29] I'm kind of glad.

[39:30] I'm like,

[39:30] oh,

[39:30] at least the French

[39:31] are getting it too.

[39:32] Wow.

[39:33] It's really

[39:34] hateful towards the French.

Stuart Wellington

[39:35] I'm not saying

[39:36] it's hateful towards the French.

[39:37] I'm saying,

Dan McCoy

[39:37] man,

[39:38] if it's going to happen to us,

[39:40] why not the French?

[39:40] You're just glad

Stuart Wellington

[39:41] it wasn't like

[39:42] an extremely anti-American movie.

[39:44] Yeah, sure.

[39:44] It's like,

[39:44] the reason the plant

[39:45] they're attacking

[39:46] is because America sucks.

[39:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] No blood for oil.

[39:49] Get out of Iraq.

[39:50] Plants,

[39:51] you know what we're talking about.

[39:52] Yeah,

[39:52] I guess we'll kill everybody

[39:53] so that America

[39:54] will stop being imperialist.

[39:55] Fuck you,

[39:56] I won't do what you tell me.

[39:58] And then the plants

[39:58] go to a rage concert

[39:59] and you know,

[40:00] that's,

[40:00] yeah, man.

[40:01] Smash some Starbucks windows.

Stuart Wellington

[40:03] They break open

[40:04] a prison cell

[40:05] with Mumia,

[40:06] Abu Jamal,

[40:07] and Nikolaj.

[40:08] The plants just wanted

Elliott Kalan

[40:09] America to free Mumia.

[40:10] If they got...

[40:11] They could have...

[40:12] Why didn't they just

[40:13] arrange a crop circle

[40:14] that said free Mumia?

Dan McCoy

[40:15] Dudes of the government

[40:16] would just listen to the plants.

[40:18] Mm-hmm.

[40:19] Things would be perfect.

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] It's just like that

[40:20] Spinal Tap song,

[40:21] listen to what the flower people say.

[40:22] Yeah.

[40:23] But the...

[40:24] Shark sandwich.

[40:25] I haven't seen

[40:25] 20 weeks later yet

[40:26] and now my image

[40:27] is literally of the zombies

[40:28] running with their arms

Stuart Wellington

[40:29] up in the air

[40:29] going,

[40:30] yeah!

[40:31] It's only slightly

Dan McCoy

[40:32] less comical than that,

[40:33] actually.

[40:34] Okay, let's...

Elliott Kalan

[40:34] With big backpacks

[40:35] on their backs.

Dan McCoy

[40:37] We are backpacking

[40:38] through Europe.

Elliott Kalan

[40:39] I'm French,

[40:40] but I'm backpacking

[40:41] through France.

Stuart Wellington

[40:43] Zombie!

[40:44] This string of dialogue

[40:46] brings to mind

[40:47] the scene

[40:47] in a Deuce Bigelow

[40:48] European gigolo

[40:50] where the Canadian tourists

[40:52] run over

[40:52] and take shits

[40:53] next to cars and stuff.

[40:54] It's pretty awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[40:55] Have I told you

[40:56] my anecdote

[40:57] about Deuce Bigelow

[40:58] European gigolo?

[40:59] No, you haven't.

[41:00] I was walking home

[41:01] from work

[41:01] and they had the posters

[41:02] up for it

[41:03] on a construction site

[41:04] or something

[41:04] because it was coming out

[41:05] and someone had drawn...

[41:06] Not like a public library?

[41:08] No!

[41:09] Not the mayor's office.

[41:11] Someone had drawn

[41:13] glasses and a mustache

[41:14] on Rob Schneider

[41:15] and it made the movie

[41:16] look like it might be

[41:17] a sophisticated

[41:17] kind of foreign sex farce.

[41:20] I was like,

[41:21] yeah, that looks like

[41:22] a very brainy movie

[41:23] now that he has glasses

[41:24] and a mustache.

[41:25] The poster instantly

[41:25] became like a Woody Allen movie.

Dan McCoy

[41:28] Final judgments.

[41:28] I forgot to do

[41:29] the special Halloween

[41:30] final judgments this time.

[41:32] Last time.

[41:32] I'll do it this time.

Stuart Wellington

[41:33] Was this film

Dan McCoy

[41:34] totally scarifying?

[41:38] Was it frighteningly funny?

[41:40] I see you sitting at work

Elliott Kalan

[41:41] trying to come up with these.

Dan McCoy

[41:43] Or was it totally snorifying?

Stuart Wellington

[41:49] Stewart?

[41:50] Oh, we do have fun,

[41:51] don't we?

[41:52] Yeah, this is going to be...

[41:53] This is a surprise.

[41:55] This is going to be

[41:55] a big twist

[41:56] but I think it was snorifying.

Dan McCoy

[41:58] Horrifying.

[41:59] You're not going to

[41:59] back it up with anything?

[42:00] No.

Stuart Wellington

[42:01] It was like,

[42:02] this wasn't as abysmal

[42:04] as Lady in the Water

[42:05] where I'm watching it

[42:06] and I'm like,

[42:06] what's going on?

[42:08] Why am I watching this?

[42:09] But it also

[42:10] was worse

[42:12] than the other ones.

[42:13] So this is probably

[42:14] his second to worst movie.

Elliott Kalan

[42:15] That's probably the title

[42:16] of his next movie,

[42:17] The Other Ones.

Dan McCoy

[42:18] I'm going to actually say

[42:19] that I thought

[42:20] this was frighteningly funny.

[42:23] I...

Elliott Kalan

[42:23] I'm sorry,

[42:27] I was just scared

[42:28] by how funny

[42:29] I thought this was.

Dan McCoy

[42:30] Look,

[42:31] they're fucking

[42:32] theme categories,

[42:34] all right?

[42:36] I did two of them

[42:37] categories,

[42:37] I'm going to stick to them.

Elliott Kalan

[42:38] Oh, Dan McCoy,

[42:39] you're so easy to needle.

Dan McCoy

[42:41] Stu,

[42:41] you and I watched

[42:42] Lady in the Water together.

[42:44] We did.

[42:44] I think pre-Flophouse

[42:46] we were just like,

[42:46] this will be hilarious

[42:47] and it wasn't.

[42:48] It was really bad.

[42:49] It was just boring

[42:49] and painful.

[42:50] Yeah,

[42:50] it's not a good movie.

[42:51] This movie

[42:52] was really,

[42:53] I thought there was

[42:54] a lot of laughable dialogue.

[42:57] That's right,

Elliott Kalan

[42:57] on the Narf meter

[42:58] that had many more

[42:59] Narfs than this one.

[43:01] This one had many,

[43:02] fewer ladies in water

Dan McCoy

[43:03] than that one.

[43:04] Yeah.

[43:04] Plus Paul Giamatti too.

[43:06] But,

[43:07] more goopy dialogue.

[43:08] I'm sure he's

[43:09] really disappointed

[43:09] about that actually.

[43:09] More people running

[43:10] into trees.

[43:12] More people feeding

[43:13] themselves to lions.

Elliott Kalan

[43:15] The guy feeding himself

[43:16] to lions looks so disinterested

[43:17] in being eaten by lions.

[43:19] He was like,

[43:20] oh,

[43:20] yep,

[43:21] lions ripping my arm off.

[43:22] Well,

[43:23] whatever.

[43:24] Oh,

[43:24] okay.

[43:25] Another lion

[43:26] ripping my arm off.

[43:27] What are you going to do?

Dan McCoy

[43:28] For me,

[43:29] I think this movie was,

[43:30] if you're in the market

[43:31] for a recent bad film,

[43:33] I think this is worth

[43:34] checking out once.

[43:36] Because it's just so

[43:36] weirdly miscalculated.

Elliott Kalan

[43:39] I got to say,

[43:40] I'm a split up here.

[43:41] Part of me thinks it was

[43:42] snorifying.

[43:46] Snorifying,

[43:46] yeah.

[43:46] But,

[43:47] there are other parts of it

[43:48] that were

[43:49] frighteningly funny.

[43:51] The,

[43:52] really poor pieces of writing,

[43:54] you know,

[43:55] bad acting.

[43:55] You know what,

[43:56] I'm going to say

[43:56] frighteningly funny.

[43:57] I'm going to go on that one.

[43:58] So,

[43:58] I'm the odd man out,

[44:00] huh?

[44:01] I guess you're going to have

[44:01] to leave the island.

Stuart Wellington

[44:03] It's been beautiful

[44:04] knowing you.

Elliott Kalan

[44:05] Which is also,

[44:06] M. Night Shyamalan's

[44:06] next movie,

[44:07] the island.

Stuart Wellington

[44:10] All the spite that pours

[44:12] out of me.

[44:13] Yeah.

[44:14] So,

[44:14] that was great.

[44:15] Oh,

[44:16] and also,

[44:16] Night Shyamalan is

Dan McCoy

[44:17] completely overrated.

[44:18] Completely.

Stuart Wellington

[44:19] Didn't I already say

[44:20] I wanted to shoot him?

[44:21] No,

[44:21] I didn't.

[44:22] I don't know if you

[44:22] should say that out loud.

Dan McCoy

[44:23] Yeah,

[44:23] that seems like a threat.

Stuart Wellington

[44:25] You did say that you

[44:25] wanted to punch him.

[44:27] Oh,

[44:27] okay.

[44:27] Is that a threat?

[44:28] I don't actually want

[44:29] to threaten him.

Elliott Kalan

[44:30] Well,

[44:30] it's a lower level threat,

[44:32] certainly.

[44:32] Unless you were going to

[44:33] shoot him with your fist.

[44:34] Or punch him with a bullet

[44:35] from a gun.

Stuart Wellington

[44:37] Wait,

[44:37] what if I could fire my hands

[44:40] from,

[44:40] like,

[44:40] my wrist?

[44:41] Oh,

[44:41] like Kane.

[44:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] Like Kane from the X-Men comics.

[44:44] Yeah.

[44:45] Then,

[44:46] yeah.

[44:46] I think that's acceptable.

[44:47] Go ahead.

[44:47] So,

[44:48] basically,

[44:48] just like you have a

[44:49] built-in extendo glove.

[44:50] I was just wondering if I had

Stuart Wellington

[44:50] said something,

[44:50] like,

[44:50] mean about him before.

[44:51] You had.

Elliott Kalan

[44:52] Okay.

[44:53] But,

[44:53] what I want to say is,

[44:54] he's very rude to waiters

[44:55] and other help staff.

[44:57] Like,

[44:57] I feel like,

Stuart Wellington

[44:58] in many ways,

[44:59] I feel like,

[44:59] bad just that we watch this

[45:01] and we're doing a podcast on it

[45:03] because anything that gives him

[45:04] more like,

[45:05] you know,

[45:06] all of our listeners,

[45:09] like,

[45:09] we're just,

[45:09] millions of them.

[45:10] Yeah.

[45:10] Everybody now,

[45:11] like,

[45:11] now people might actually go out

[45:13] and rent his movies.

[45:14] Certainly,

Elliott Kalan

[45:15] it's nationwide theatrical release

[45:17] isn't going to get as many people

[45:18] as this podcast.

[45:19] Like,

[45:20] Ridley Scott makes

Stuart Wellington

[45:21] generally shitty movies,

[45:22] but,

[45:23] He's mediocre.

[45:24] Okay.

[45:24] But,

[45:25] He has one masterpiece,

[45:26] he's mediocre.

[45:27] He's not like,

[45:28] his masterpiece was?

[45:29] Alien.

[45:30] Alien.

[45:30] Okay.

[45:31] I was making sure you weren't

[45:32] going to say Blade Runner.

[45:32] No.

[45:33] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[45:33] Blade Runner's overrated too.

[45:35] Though not as overrated

[45:35] as M. Night Shyamalan.

Stuart Wellington

[45:37] And,

[45:37] but like,

[45:39] just makes terrible movies,

[45:40] like abysmal movies.

[45:42] And,

[45:42] he shouldn't make movies anymore.

[45:44] Like,

[45:44] I'd rather Uwe Boll make movies

[45:46] until I am long dead.

Elliott Kalan

[45:48] At least,

[45:48] Uwe Boll is a guy who like,

[45:50] is like,

[45:51] feels,

[45:51] it feels like when you're

[45:52] watching a movie by him

[45:53] or you read an interview with him,

[45:54] he comes off as like

[45:55] a crazy funny guy.

[45:57] Yeah.

[45:57] Like,

[45:58] just silly.

[45:58] There's some sort of joy

[45:59] in what he's doing.

[45:59] Yeah,

[46:00] whereas M. Night Shyamalan.

Stuart Wellington

[46:01] Which I would too.

[46:02] If I made nothing but terrible movies,

[46:04] I would,

[46:04] I would be like,

[46:05] I'm going to make the next one

[46:06] even stupid.

Elliott Kalan

[46:06] Yeah,

[46:07] like,

[46:07] he's a challenge for him now.

[46:09] Whereas M. Night,

[46:09] and he enjoys it.

[46:10] But like,

[46:11] feels like a guy

[46:12] who thinks he's doing you a favor

[46:13] by making this movie

[46:14] and showing it to you.

[46:16] It's like,

[46:16] you are,

[46:18] you are going to love this so much.

[46:20] And,

[46:21] I,

[46:22] okay,

[46:22] I'll do it.

[46:23] Fine,

[46:23] I'll do it.

[46:24] I'll make this movie for you.

[46:25] Okay,

[46:25] okay,

[46:26] I'll do it.

[46:26] You can watch it.

[46:28] Oh,

[46:28] you love it.

[46:29] Done.

[46:30] Anyway,

[46:31] give me a million dollars.

[46:32] Now write a book about how great I am,

[46:33] you know,

[46:33] and so forth.

[46:34] Yeah.

[46:35] Didn't see that ending coming,

[46:36] did you?

[46:36] No,

[46:37] because I'm that good.

[46:38] But you do see his endings coming.

Stuart Wellington

[46:39] Going into it,

[46:40] like,

[46:40] somebody,

[46:41] you know,

[46:41] obviously somebody had spoiled it for me

[46:43] and was like,

[46:43] it's the trees and plants

[46:45] that are killing people.

[46:46] So I'm like,

[46:47] okay,

[46:48] that's retarded,

[46:49] but I'll watch it

[46:50] because that sounds really stupid.

[46:51] And I go into it

[46:52] expecting it to be kind of,

[46:54] like,

[46:54] hidden,

[46:55] like,

[46:55] the little bit of subterfuge

[46:57] is actually what's going on.

[46:59] But no,

[46:59] it's like,

[47:00] the first shot is like

[47:01] a bunch of trees,

[47:02] like,

[47:03] shooting out toxin into people.

[47:05] Like,

[47:05] it's terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[47:05] And it's not like,

[47:06] like,

[47:06] you could have done it,

[47:07] like,

[47:07] the way,

[47:08] like,

[47:08] Cloverfield is not a perfect movie,

[47:10] but they do a good job of kind of,

[47:11] like,

[47:12] portioning out the information

[47:13] about what's going on.

[47:14] Mm-hmm.

[47:15] But,

[47:15] you know,

[47:16] in terms of them seeing TV broadcasts

[47:18] or catching glimpses of things.

[47:19] But here it's like,

[47:21] see some trees,

[47:22] scene,

[47:23] scene,

[47:23] guy says the plants are doing it,

[47:25] scene,

[47:26] scene,

[47:26] the end.

[47:27] There's no buildup or anything.

[47:28] You don't get drips of information

[47:30] or anything like that.

[47:31] Terrible.

[47:31] I guess what I'm saying is,

[47:33] if you want a movie where people are running around

[47:35] and getting scared by things,

[47:36] go see Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds.

Dan McCoy

[47:38] I guess what you're saying is,

[47:40] it was less like The Happening

[47:41] and more like The Nappening.

Elliott Kalan

[47:43] Oh,

[47:43] I thought you were going to say The Crappening.

[47:47] That would have been way better.

[47:48] Please, Elliot.

[47:49] More like The Flappening.

[47:52] I don't even know what that means.

[47:53] More like The Flappening.

[47:55] If you were drinking liquor

[47:57] or you're watching it,

[47:58] more like The Grappening.

[48:00] No,

[48:00] that's good.

[48:01] Yeah,

[48:01] that's good.

Dan McCoy

[48:03] If you were going to the gynecologist,

[48:05] it would be more like The Pappening.

Stuart Wellington

[48:07] If it was made with nothing but frogs in the movie,

[48:11] it would be The Hoppening.

[48:13] Guys,

Elliott Kalan

[48:15] Shoppening and so forth.

[48:16] The Chaplaining.

[48:18] The Choppening.

[48:20] And so forth.

[48:21] It was about a penis.

[48:21] It would be called The Choppening.

[48:22] Ad nauseum.

[48:23] All right.

[48:24] If it starred Ice Cube,

[48:26] it would be The Rappening.

Dan McCoy

[48:27] Right.

[48:27] Come on.

[48:28] We've talked very long about it.

[48:31] Scrappening.

[48:31] Let's quickly go into our actual recommendation

[48:33] of horror movies.

[48:35] Clappening.

[48:35] For people who are looking for a horror film this Halloween.

[48:39] Something that they actually like.

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] Stuart?

[48:42] Yeah.

[48:44] This is going to be rough.

[48:46] The only movies I've seen recently were Fool's Gold,

[48:50] which was not a horror movie,

[48:51] but I think it was every other kind of movie.

[48:54] And I watched this totally insane French movie

[48:58] directed by Enki Balal,

[49:01] the comics artist who you might remember from

[49:03] the Nicopol trilogy

[49:05] and various other bullshit that was in Heavy Metal magazine

[49:08] back in the 90s.

[49:10] And that was Crazy and Retarded.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] And what was the name of that Crazy and Retarded movie?

[49:14] Immortal.

Stuart Wellington

[49:15] Fuck.

[49:16] How about I recommend The League of Gentlemen?

[49:18] Did I recommend that last time?

[49:20] No, you didn't.

[49:20] You were talking to me about it on the walk home, I think.

[49:23] League of Gentlemen.

[49:24] It's a British comedy show.

[49:27] Part of me wants to recommend it

[49:28] because Little Britain has just come to the States

[49:30] and it gets a lot of credit.

[49:32] But League of Gentlemen,

[49:33] they have a couple seasons out.

[49:35] You can probably find it.

[49:36] I think they show it on BBC America

[49:37] every once in a while.

[49:38] But it's great because it's all these guys playing.

[49:40] It's this comedy group that play all the characters

[49:42] in this weird little town in England.

[49:44] And if you took out the laugh track,

[49:46] it would definitely be a horror movie.

[49:49] Like, it's just totally creepy and weird

[49:51] and kind of gross.

[49:52] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[49:53] It is an off-putting show.

[49:57] Well, before I make my recommendation,

[49:59] I want to say,

[50:00] Stuart, I watched one of your previous recommendations,

[50:03] Inside, or as the French say,

[50:06] A La Interior.

[50:08] Sure.

[50:09] And I watched The Signal recently, too,

[50:11] on your recommendation, Dan.

[50:13] I want to warn listeners

[50:15] that if they like really unpleasant experiences,

[50:20] Inside is something they should watch once.

[50:23] Much like I would recommend Audition, say,

[50:26] to be watched.

[50:27] Oh, Auditions.

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] Come on.

[50:29] That's not that scary.

Dan McCoy

[50:30] No, it's not that scary.

[50:31] But it's unpleasant.

[50:33] This is actually more unpleasant.

[50:34] Unpleasantly boring.

[50:35] This is more unpleasant than...

Elliott Kalan

[50:38] And I like Miki's stuff.

[50:40] You know, that's...

Dan McCoy

[50:41] Oh, my God.

[50:41] Audition is harrowing at the end.

[50:45] However, Inside is harrowing through...

[50:47] The whole movie, right?

[50:48] ...two-thirds of the movie, at least.

Stuart Wellington

[50:50] I almost barfed once when watching it.

[50:52] So I just...

[50:53] And you've got a very strong stomach.

[50:54] Especially with gore, yeah.

[50:55] I've seen the porn you look at,

[50:56] and it is horrifying.

[50:57] It's horrifying, right?

[50:58] Yeah.

[50:59] Like, I can't stop.

Dan McCoy

[51:02] I like horror movies, but I like a good creature feature.

[51:06] Sure.

[51:07] I like something like American Horror from London.

[51:09] A good slasher masher.

[51:10] You know?

[51:12] Something with some laughs and some thrills.

[51:14] Sure.

[51:15] Inside made me feel...

[51:16] Why did I recommend Fool's Gold to you?

[51:19] Sad and unpleasant.

Elliott Kalan

[51:19] Fool's Gold is a movie where you see the poster in the theater,

[51:22] and you're like,

[51:22] that's a poster that was made as a prop for another movie.

[51:26] Like, that's not a real movie.

Dan McCoy

[51:27] The thing about that movie is it was like...

[51:29] It's like in Burn After Reading,

[51:30] with that Dermot Marooney film.

[51:33] Coming up...

[51:34] Coming up Daisy.

Elliott Kalan

[51:35] Coming up Daisy, yeah.

[51:37] Would you just get down out of that tree?

Stuart Wellington

[51:40] The thing about Fool's Gold is that, like,

[51:43] they're building off of the comedy chemistry

[51:46] that's already present from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Elliott Kalan

[51:49] But not the same characters.

Stuart Wellington

[51:51] Yeah, no, but the same actors.

[51:53] Yeah.

[51:53] They're pretty much the same characters.

[51:55] You got...

[51:56] You got...

[51:56] They prom in the trailers and poster.

[51:58] They promise lots of bikini

[52:00] and shirtless Matthew McConaughey shots.

[52:02] So both, like, boyfriend and girlfriend are like,

[52:05] hmm, I wouldn't mind watching that one.

Elliott Kalan

[52:07] And then...

[52:08] This is something we can mutually masturbate to.

Stuart Wellington

[52:10] They also throw in, like, a treasure plot.

[52:13] Like, a plot with treasure.

[52:14] And Donald Sutherland.

[52:15] Sounds great to me.

[52:16] Sign me up.

[52:17] And Ray Winstone.

[52:19] Sign me up times two.

[52:21] Yeah, I mean...

[52:22] How much would you pay for this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[52:24] $39.99?

[52:26] Well, guess what?

[52:27] Right now, you can get it for $19.99.

[52:29] All right, guys.

[52:30] So what...

[52:31] I missed the inside recommendation.

[52:33] What's that about?

Dan McCoy

[52:33] No, the inside was just saying that, like, it's a genuinely upsetting film.

[52:37] So...

[52:37] It's a French movie.

[52:39] You just gotta know what you're getting into.

[52:40] But my actual recommendation...

[52:42] It's really good.

[52:43] It's terribly disturbing.

[52:45] My actual recommendation, however, I'm just looking at my own DVD shelf,

[52:49] because I did not think this through before the podcast.

[52:51] That makes two of us.

Stuart Wellington

[52:53] I'm gonna recommend Slither.

Dan McCoy

[52:55] Good call.

[52:56] The James Gunn film.

[52:58] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] From Project Runway.

[53:00] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[53:01] Yes.

[53:02] Yes.

[53:02] Tim Gunn's movie, Slither, about an alien intelligence who comes down to Earth.

[53:10] A bunch of worms that inhabit people, turning them into zombies.

[53:15] Like Michael Rooker.

[53:17] Yeah.

[53:17] It's got Nathan Fillion in it, from Firefly.

[53:21] Jenna Fisher.

[53:23] TV's Pam, from The Office, has a small role.

[53:25] Oh, yeah.

[53:27] Yeah, as you say, Michael Rooker's in it.

[53:28] Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer, is Elizabeth Banks, a popular comic actress.

Stuart Wellington

[53:37] She's in W.

Dan McCoy

[53:37] Yeah, she is.

[53:38] So it's a good 1980s-style horror comedy, and it's got a lot of practical special effects,

[53:44] a lot of gross makeup.

[53:46] It's a lot of fun.

Elliott Kalan

[53:47] Scary stuff, huh?

[53:48] Yeah.

[53:49] I just had one in mind, and then I lost it for a second.

[53:53] It was the peanut butter solution, wasn't it?

[53:54] No.

[53:55] Well, War of the Worlds, Steven Spielberg, recommend that.

[53:57] That was better than this movie.

[53:59] If you want to see something with the same kind of, like an older thing, maybe, with the

[54:03] same kind of mounting terror feel that this was going for, but doesn't, then Village

[54:09] of the Damned is good in that way.

[54:10] The first, like, 10 or 15 minutes of that movie, all the women in this town fall asleep

[54:15] at once, and no one knows why.

[54:17] It's like there's a radius around the town, and if you enter it, you fall asleep.

[54:20] And it takes, like, 10 or 15 minutes at the beginning, the British military kind of, like,

[54:24] sending guys over and trying to figure out where this perimeter lies and how they can

[54:29] get past it.

[54:29] And it's actually really good and suspenseful in a way that you wouldn't expect it to be.

[54:35] And then, of course, there's, like, crazy children with hypnotic eyes and stuff, and

[54:38] it's really good.

Dan McCoy

[54:39] Is George Sanders in that movie?

Elliott Kalan

[54:42] Yeah, I think he's the schoolteacher, actually, if I'm remembering correctly.

[54:46] But that one's really good.

[54:47] Or, or, or, if you've never seen, there's a documentary that they made, or a faux documentary

[54:54] they made in England in the 60s called The War Game, about this is what would happen if

[54:58] England was struck by a nuclear attack during a wider nuclear war.

[55:03] And it takes you, in documentary style, kind of, like, step by step, here's how it happened,

[55:07] and here's what the people were like, here's what they did next.

[55:10] And it gets across the idea, again, the idea of the happening was going for, of, like, we

[55:15] don't know what's going on, there's a wider catastrophe, and we're just part of it, and

[55:18] there's nothing we can do about it, in a much better way.

[55:21] This is a documentary of the BBC commissioned from a director whose name I don't remember.

[55:26] And they considered it too graphic and too frightening to be shown on television.

[55:30] So it was given a theatrical release, and it was either nominated or won Best Documentary

[55:34] Short Subject from the Academy Awards.

[55:37] Really scary, and in a way where it's like, you're worried that that's going to

[55:40] happen when you wake up the next day.

[55:42] And also, you know what?

[55:43] Why not?

[55:43] The Thing.

[55:44] I don't care.

[55:45] Throw it in there.

[55:46] Again.

[55:46] John Carpenter's The Thing.

[55:49] Brilliant movie.

[55:49] One of the best horror movies ever made, in my opinion.

[55:52] I agree.

[55:52] And it just does everything so well that this movie fucking is shitty about.

[55:57] The characters are really fun and interesting, and you believe them.

[56:00] It's really suspenseful.

[56:02] You genuinely are worried about them and don't know what's going to happen next.

[56:06] And then the ending could be seen as an anti-climax, but it's

[56:10] so perfectly done at the end that, you know, you feel good about it.

Dan McCoy

[56:14] And I would go so far as to say, best Wilford Brimley movie.

[56:17] Oh, by far.

Stuart Wellington

[56:19] Wait a minute.

[56:19] Hard Target?

Elliott Kalan

[56:21] Oh, he makes a good point.

[56:23] Sorry, you're going to have to retry it.

[56:24] Hard Target?

[56:24] Thank you.

[56:25] So what is that?

Stuart Wellington

[56:26] Four recommendations from me?

Elliott Kalan

[56:28] Yeah.

[56:28] Chew on that.

[56:29] Chew on that.

[56:30] New Flophouse record.

[56:31] And if you want to just see a weird movie, I just finished watching The President's

[56:34] Analyst with James Colbert.

[56:35] Oh, right.

[56:36] That was a crazy movie.

[56:37] Jesus, Jabberjaw.

[56:39] So I'm a talking shark who plays in a band.

[56:43] Drums.

[56:43] He plays drums in an underwater band.

Stuart Wellington

[56:46] How does he hold the drumsticks right with little fins?

[56:49] I think he wraps his fins around.

Dan McCoy

[56:50] Well, Elliot and Stuart hash this out.

[56:52] He doesn't have thumbs, but he talks like Curly.

Stuart Wellington

[56:54] That's the real thing.

[56:56] I've been Dan McCoy, and I've always been Stuart Wellington.

[57:00] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[57:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:05] Sorry about all the recommendations that can get in there.

[57:07] I needed to get the happening out of my... the taste out of my mouth.

Stuart Wellington

[57:17] YM is Young Miss Magazine.

Elliott Kalan

[57:20] I know Young Miss.

[57:21] I don't know what this column is.

Stuart Wellington

[57:22] They have this little column where...

Elliott Kalan

[57:24] You didn't read Young Miss Magazine?

[57:25] Young...

[57:26] I never read it.

[57:27] That was a magazine that friends of mine in middle school used to...

[57:30] Go look it up in the library.

[57:32] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[57:32] And just look at pictures of girls in it.

[57:35] Oh, that's...

Stuart Wellington

[57:35] Well, we...

[57:36] I don't...

[57:36] Maybe the guys I was with were doing it for that.

[57:38] I was reading it with them.

[57:40] Like, we'd sit around on a table, and somebody would read out the Say Anything section,

[57:44] which would be girls, like, writing in embarrassing stories,

[57:46] and then they'd rate them on a gross-out factor.

[57:49] And my favorite was the one where the girl was at a pharmacy,

[57:53] and there was, like, a hot guy working there,

[57:55] and she decided to get some candy that was behind the counter,

[58:00] and she asked for a greasy penis instead of Reese's Pieces.

Dan McCoy

[58:05] That never happened in the world.

[58:08] Well, it was...

Elliott Kalan

[58:09] That was written by a 45-year-old copywriter editor who works for the magazine.

Stuart Wellington

[58:13] Well, good stuff.

[58:14] Sir, good stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[58:17] Tell that to blushing in Bermuda.

[58:20] Sure.

[58:21] Let's dig into the show.

[58:23] Okay.

[58:24] Deep Dish Flophouse.

The Flop House: Episode #25 - The Happening

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