The Flop House: Episode #25 - The Happening

[0:00] On this, the second Halloween episode of the Flophouse, we discuss The Happening, a film that somehow doesn't even manage to live up to its name.

[0:09] MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[0:39] Oh, wait, we're gonna do the intro first. Like the ok, so should we let you stop stop cracking up from all my jokes?

[0:51] Hey everyone, welcome to the flop house. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stewart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalin. Hey

[0:59] We watched a movie tonight that we did a movie that I've been waiting for

[1:04] Ever your whole life. I saw the reviews this summer

[1:09] I've been looking forward to for me. It was when I saw the movie posters

[1:13] Yeah, I was when I heard the title once once a year, maybe twice a year

[1:17] But but no more than three times a year comes along a movie, you know

[1:22] I'm like we should got to go see this in the theaters

[1:24] We need to do a full flop house in the theaters episode and then we don't get it

[1:28] Do it. No, but now it's out on DVD

[1:32] Laziness flop house in the aisles didn't happen. Yeah, that movie is called the happening

[1:37] M. Night Shyamalan's M. Night Shyamalan brings you his vaguest title yet

[1:43] So I assume that this movie was about

[1:46] 1960s performance art, right? Correct. Yeah, I also actually had that assumption. Yeah

[1:51] Was it I think it was about something less interesting

[1:55] It's hard to imagine. It's like M. Night Shyamalan

[1:59] Set out to challenge his audience to pay attention to his movie or be interested in any way

[2:04] Well, and he challenged it to like if you recall the ad campaigns were all like M. Night Shyamalan's first

[2:11] R-rated film and like we were all like chomping at the bit like the fucking ink. Oh

[2:17] What is this master of modern suspense gonna do here's where I'm gonna take well

[2:21] Let's talk about that later with the drastic overrating of M. Night Shyamalan's worth. Yeah. Imagine the palette

[2:27] He's has access to now

[2:30] Painting in such swaths of your

[2:33] Listen, his rose period is over the time for the blue period. Oh my god, but I

[2:39] Would say that this movie was a solid PG 13, maybe a PG maybe even a G

[2:46] Well, I don't think you understand how they rate movies. He suggested prom night was a G

[2:51] It was either a G or a triple X

[2:55] We like it's not a

[2:57] Actual rating quadruple X MPAA. No, I think both those guys are wrestlers actually

[3:05] Nice. Okay. Well, one of them I know is an extreme spy. So nice

[3:11] Is one of the worst ice ice cube ice cube?

[3:17] Could I have one of those ice

[3:20] Please

[3:22] When you're actually trying to ask for a compact this possibly lethal injection or the predator

[3:30] Anyway, we watched the movie The Happening

[3:33] Starring Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, and Zoey Deschanel and John Leguizamo. Yeah starring in its complete sense

[3:40] Yeah

[3:41] It's rare. It's rare. There's almost no scenes that Mark Wahlberg is not in and

[3:47] Or

[3:48] or

[3:50] They're whispering in a strangely feminine way that are shoved into his hands by the other actors who don't want to be in them

[3:55] Yeah

[3:58] I

[4:00] Love I love Zoey Deschanel. I think she can make most boring roles interesting and she's adorable

[4:08] sure

[4:09] This film god. Damn. She's given nothing to work with like I think her character note is whiny

[4:16] Like whiny and vaguely emotionally unstable. Yeah, we're introduced to her

[4:21] Early in the film when when people are dying and we think that this is a terrorist attack. She's like God

[4:27] Just when you think people can't get more evil and like that sort of people crappy

[4:32] I think she says at one point. Yeah like that

[4:34] Yeah, you know, I made a comment before before the movie guys about Zoey Deschanel

[4:40] And you know what? I kind of want to take it back

[4:44] And and you might want to say what that comment was it was very specific

[4:51] Carnal knowledge kind of you you wished that she had starred in carnal knowledge. Yes the Jack Nicholson. I take it back. Yeah, and

[5:00] Garfunkel and Margaret too, right? Yeah, she wasn't very good and Stuart said that he would like to finger bang

[5:07] But didn't want it to go further than that she was too innocent apparently he's a gentleman

[5:17] So you it's more like you sidle up next to her at the bus on the bus stop, you know

[5:22] Do your business and then up my bus is here. Gotta go. Yep. I'm waiting for the m35. That's okay

[5:28] See you later. This is like a really weird sort of

[5:32] combination of

[5:33] sexual aggression and

[5:36] Gentlemanliness

[5:38] Absolutely, like I'll wear a rubber glove if she wants that's cool. I'll clip my finger. Yeah, cuz that'll feel even that'll feel great

[5:46] That will reminder of going to the doctor

[5:49] I'll use a lot of

[5:51] Horse vaginal lubricant. All right

[5:54] Wow, let's talk about the movie, huh?

[5:56] The happening I didn't expect the finger banging stuff to come up until the second half of the episode when we're

[6:03] searching for things to talk about

[6:05] so the movie begins with

[6:07] Thrilling scenes of people stopping in place and then walking backwards and then killing themselves

[6:14] Yeah, and in very silly way like non-bloody way very non-bloody

[6:19] but also just the way it's paced the way it's the movie feels like a parody of

[6:23] Like a disaster horror movie like it feel like if M. Night Shyamalan had released it as like

[6:28] Shyamalan's first wacky comedy the happening

[6:33] And

[6:35] These and then like, you know people falling off of a building and rapid-fire or like a car suddenly

[6:40] Crashing into a tree for no reason like people's people start killing themselves in in the very overwrought ways

[6:46] Well, I mean the idea is like they kill themselves in the first way that that is at hand

[6:50] But in practice that just means that they kill themselves in in goofy ways

[6:55] Like the very first killing is like a woman's like well, I got to kill myself now. What do I have on?

[7:00] I have this chopstick though. It's been keeping my bun up my hair in place

[7:07] Ram that through my neck and then there's a guy to construction site and construction workers are just dropping off the top of the building

[7:13] But not like a not like a scary like oh my god way more and like a here comes some more

[7:19] Thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump and everyone's reactions are early cloudy with a chance of construction workers

[7:27] Everyone's immediate reaction is not like what it's more like dear God

[7:35] Santa Maria like I don't want to get too dark or mention things that you know

[7:40] It shouldn't be mentioned on the flophouse

[7:42] but the thing that kept striking me was that like

[7:44] Obvious he's trying to get across the kind of feeling that people had on September 11th where it was like, you know

[7:50] Something is happening and you don't know what it is and you're scared and you know that something terrible has happened

[7:54] But you don't know what's going on. And the first thing the first I think everybody's first like Cloverfield

[7:59] Yeah, like Cloverfield and we were talking about War of the Worlds how much more successful Spielberg's War of the Worlds was at this

[8:05] But like everyone's reaction that day was like, oh

[8:09] Now I'm scared like kind of but like that no one has that moment

[8:17] We're losing it

[8:19] but at the

[8:21] Nobody has that immediate reaction of like what before the terror sinks in like everyone is all

[8:26] Everyone's super frightened right off the bat in a way that is totally unrealistic and very

[8:32] Unconvincing. Yeah, well then smash cut to

[8:35] Mark Wahlberg as the science teacher in high school. He's a high school science teacher, which you know

[8:42] That's the logical protagonist in this scenario

[8:45] I mean, I understand the you know, like he wants him to be like an everyman

[8:48] But there's really I really don't feel like there's like a really strong reason why in my channel has made him aside

[8:54] Well, he talks about science a lot. Well, he also but he's like the worst science

[8:58] He's a science teacher who's introduced telling his class

[9:00] Bees are disappearing in great numbers because we all remember that was in the news for a while

[9:04] Why is this happening? And the correct answer that the kid gives him is

[9:08] It's an act of nature and we'll never know and he goes. Yes, you're right

[9:14] 100% go home

[9:16] Here's a sticker. He says champion

[9:19] yeah, science will come up with an explanation, but just gonna be a theory and

[9:24] And I'm like, why did this guy go into science?

[9:30] He's working off a Sarah Palin's curriculum

[9:33] Oh

[9:36] He's like a missionary who just stumbled back like it's like it's like a very religious organization

[9:43] Decided to put mentoring candidates into science teacher positions where it's like just teach the kids that science can't be trusted and doesn't exist and

[9:52] That way we'll get our message across. You know, I also they use this B thing, but then they just drop it immediately

[9:58] Drop it immediately, but also

[10:00] mark mark walton's like

[10:01] can't be used as a period

[10:03] and uh...

[10:04] the corpses we can find the corpses and like that's not true

[10:08] they've been bees died off but i'm pretty sure that the bees were still

[10:12] there that it is vaporized when they when they died aliens took them away

[10:16] the like

[10:18] uh... if it wasn't for this happening

[10:22] i think that mark walberg's character would uh... be stiff competition for

[10:28] drew barrymore's character in donnie darko for teacher of the most

[10:32] believable teacher terrible teacher yeah in movies ever

[10:35] the destructors is a story about the most beautiful phrase in the english

[10:40] language

[10:40] i think we can all agree on that

[10:42] but the uh... and also john leguizamo is his friend and fellow teacher

[10:47] uh... who

[10:48] out of nowhere decides to tell they get a message from alan rickman in a small

[10:53] role as the school principal and he should have been the hero of the movie

[10:57] alan rudd

[10:58] oh alan rudd i'm sorry i was going to say i think it would be great if alan rickman was the head of it all

[11:02] there's a problem everyone should leave the school it seems there's some sort of

[11:07] happening

[11:09] sorry it's alan rudd alan rudd cameron from ferris bueller's day off

[11:13] uh... but he tells them briefly

[11:16] uh...

[11:17] there's a something's happening in new york it looks like a terrorist attack so

[11:21] everybody leave the school and go home

[11:23] and john leguizamo in the midst of this everybody's worried leaving the school

[11:26] decides to tell

[11:27] mark walberg

[11:29] you know on your wedding day i saw your bride and she was crying and it looked like she

[11:32] didn't want to marry you well see you later gotta go

[11:35] you shouldn't bring her along when we evacuate you shouldn't bring her along when we

[11:38] leave so the whole beginning of the film is there's there's there's merit

[11:42] everything is fraught

[11:44] there's marital tension between zoe deschanel and mark walberg

[11:47] every sentence

[11:49] feels weighted down with like heavy meaning

[11:52] and then later on

[11:53] i don't want to get too ahead

[11:54] so later on we discover that zoe deschanel we haven't even talked about the town of franston yet

[11:58] oh well we'll get there but zoe deschanel is really worried about the fact that she

[12:02] had dessert with a co-worker and apparently that

[12:04] has been the reason why everyone's talking like they're in a pinter play for the first half of the movie

[12:10] yeah it's kind of like a pinter play written by a child

[12:14] the whole movie feels like it was it feels like a movie that a kid made in his

[12:18] backyard over the weekend

[12:19] after he saw the birds

[12:22] this is what movies are like i'll just make it and i'll have my friends act out the parts

[12:26] and the child is like what's the worst thing that could happen between a married couple

[12:30] one of them has dessert with a co-worker

[12:32] that's what mom said dad did that broke up their marriage so

[12:36] but much like prom night this movie catapults us right into the action

[12:40] immediately after this attack happens they're like okay

[12:44] uh... people are dying in new york clearly since we're in philadelphia

[12:48] that will be the next target of whatever's happening

[12:51] so we gotta get out of the city so uh...

[12:53] well i really appreciate that i mean like i'm glad it isn't a fucking snooze

[12:57] fest where you're like character character character blardy blar

[13:01] yeah because it really helped later on when the characters were dying and i

[13:04] didn't have to worry about them

[13:05] absolutely i don't have to feel any connection to them when they're

[13:08] watching a zookeeper get eaten on an iphone like i don't give a shit

[13:13] we haven't even gotten to that part yet

[13:15] when they're in the filbert restaurant

[13:18] but uh... the uh...

[13:19] everyone in the movie talks and i would be ok but also like

[13:22] everyone's really going by the numbers like

[13:24] something's happening

[13:25] we better get out of town fast

[13:27] okay why like i don't understand why you feel the need to leave immediately

[13:31] like the government's reaction in that movie since we tell everybody to leave

[13:34] urban centers

[13:35] and go to small towns which

[13:37] i don't think it's ever been a government plan in case of an emergency

[13:40] like me and i don't know if you remember after nine eleven billy and i think i

[13:44] believe that we don't need a new york mayor bloomberg went on tv and started i

[13:48] guess is julianna time when they're julianna on the tv

[13:51] and said everybody leave the city

[13:53] go to the town of princeton because they immediately get on a train

[13:57] and uh... john lee was almost wife didn't get there in times they get on

[14:00] this train

[14:01] and there's a big to do about the marital problems when they're handing out

[14:04] tickets but then

[14:05] john lee was on a list of those

[14:07] getting attacked it's a phone call from his wife because

[14:09] i can't hear you text me

[14:12] text me i can hear you i can't i can't hear you text me this is not for about

[14:16] forty minutes

[14:17] and then

[14:18] they she gets a text and you know and john lee was on the says

[14:21] and this is really a writing ideas

[14:22] although she's good she's taking a bus to the town of princeton these people

[14:26] live in philadelphia princeton is not a foreign concept of the town of print

[14:30] the town of princeton well i i i i have never even been to princeton and i i

[14:34] feel comfortable just before i do it as princeton i mean it's i don't have to

[14:37] specify to people that i'm going to the town of princeton like or is she going

[14:40] to one of the university building but that's the thing even if we didn't know

[14:43] that there were it's a well-known town is the university

[14:45] from the context of the of the sentence we should know it's a place that she's

[14:49] going to do it

[14:50] she she got into princeton she'll be going to have a lot of

[14:55] mark walberg she's uh... she's matriculating at princeton currently so

[14:58] we've got to go there

[15:00] she's going to the lair of lord princeton

[15:03] he should be able to lock them up in it but uh...

[15:05] there's a there's a similar line later on where so it is channel

[15:08] is taking the and the characters walk into a house

[15:11] and so it is no those

[15:13] there must be a bathroom in this place i'll go there

[15:16] there must be a bathroom in this place

[15:18] yeah it's a house like that

[15:20] that all you have to do with their basic human being so

[15:23] but i am shooting all she has a kitchen in the bathroom it's not like if the

[15:27] line had been

[15:27] i'll just go to the bathroom

[15:29] that the audience of the mike

[15:30] how does she know there's a bathroom in this building you're stretching my

[15:34] ability to believe this movie

[15:36] and i sit down with me for a second

[15:39] there's only so much i'm gonna buy

[15:42] plants sure

[15:43] we are on the street usa just you know

[15:46] just a fact that doesn't understand mom

[15:49] you know and so forth

[15:50] and uh... we're in our political allegiance on our sleeve here yeah red

[15:53] state all the way anyway

[15:56] but it was so they leave

[15:57] uh... they go to admit trains is stops at station called filbert

[16:01] because the conductors have water filbert's are grown were filbert's around

[16:04] here

[16:04] where they make paintbrushes

[16:06] and uh...

[16:07] they

[16:08] where

[16:09] where the strip tilbert is written after there was a type of but there's

[16:14] that like

[16:15] the conductors stop the training get out and i was like

[16:18] what a lot of where are and michael was like

[16:20] we don't even know where we are

[16:21] you had a train station it's as filbert right there

[16:24] and this is on the roof of the train here is a train track like

[16:28] it as you you said and he said it's the joke from darjeeling limiters like how

[16:31] do we get lost run a train

[16:33] but they're playing it seriously like the train got lost all you understand is

[16:37] all of the uh... conductors on that train is their first day

[16:40] i guess i would think of the conductors like

[16:42] we've lost contact with everybody we there's no one we can contact from the

[16:45] train

[16:46] so standard operating procedure to just stop at whatever station you happen to

[16:49] be at and then get out of the train and leave it abandoned train

[16:54] the radio's not working

[16:55] better junk this train

[16:57] tear off all the scrap this train is no longer of any use to us

[17:02] burn it down

[17:04] i want to see slag on this track

[17:06] so they go to a diner this is very much like the the diner scene in uh...

[17:10] in the birds except it's shitty

[17:11] and they watch instead of seeing birds attack a man in a gas station blow up

[17:16] which is exciting

[17:17] they watch on an ipod

[17:18] as a zookeeper allows his arms to be ripped off by lions in a really

[17:22] ridiculously fake and now they're watching it on an ipod because the

[17:26] the uh... the shot which is clearly just shot on film like it's just like hey we

[17:30] want to show you this

[17:31] they just have this crappy frame

[17:33] and i didn't have a look at that

[17:35] i think i have a really clear on the fucking iphone

[17:39] yeah and it looked the whole thing was faking everything in the movie looks

[17:42] fake it's really poorly done

[17:43] then they watch the news in the news says

[17:45] although a lot of attacks happening in the northeast

[17:48] and they got in the uh... guy who looks like an overweight barton fink who's

[17:51] running the diner says

[17:53] this towns right here

[17:54] in the northeast so everyone immediately runs out of the diner and drives off in

[17:59] different directions it's like

[18:01] yeah they're like

[18:02] feets don't fail me now

[18:05] the exit stage left

[18:08] and holding their caps on their head

[18:11] there's just people shaped holes in the walls there's puffs of smoke

[18:16] it's really everything is cartoonish and uh...

[18:19] and mark walberg's like

[18:20] hey what are you doing

[18:22] you're leaving me behind i got a kid with me

[18:25] and uh...

[18:26] they hitch a ride with some people who own a plant nursery

[18:28] well okay but but but but meanwhile they split up john leguizamo's like i gotta

[18:32] go

[18:33] i gotta go find my wife take my daughter you need her for plot purposes

[18:39] i'll go on my own she might bring you closer together as a couple you know

[18:42] what i'm going to find my wife i won't bring my daughter along with me

[18:46] so i'll know where my family is

[18:47] yeah so john leguizamo it's best to spread out as much as possible

[18:52] and here's an example of how unimaginative the movie is is that

[18:55] john leguizamo and this group they're driving to princeton and then

[18:58] this thing that is causing people to kill themselves this gas or whatever

[19:02] yeah they believe it's like some sort of gas in the air at this point in the film

[19:06] yeah they it's already hit princeton and they're all these landscapers

[19:09] who have hung themselves from trees

[19:11] and at this point like the the deaths are so silly in that way that like

[19:15] i half expected a scene at a kid's birthday party where a clown makes a new

[19:19] set of balloon animals and hangs himself but the uh...

[19:22] like they're driving past the landscaping truck and the name on it is

[19:25] bill's landscape

[19:26] he didn't even go to the trouble of creating like

[19:28] a name you might find for a landscaping company in this movie it was just

[19:32] laziness

[19:33] but then there's this tense scene where uh...

[19:38] john leguizamo

[19:39] tells everyone to roll the windows up and then he distracts the girl with a

[19:43] math riddle a woman in the car who's panicked

[19:47] he's a math teacher at the high school so he's just like

[19:51] hey here i've got a math riddle for you

[19:54] not a math problem not a brain teaser

[19:56] a math riddle i think they came from the high school and saved

[20:00] of the car and they realize, oh my God, whatever is out there is getting into the car.

[20:05] The next shot is the car stopping on the road, then immediately accelerating and hitting

[20:10] a tree and a guy flying out of the windshield of the car in one shot.

[20:13] Which was actually pretty cool.

[20:14] It was pretty cool.

[20:15] It was like silly.

[20:16] Yeah.

[20:17] It was one of the most hilarious deaths ever put on film.

[20:20] Yeah.

[20:21] And then John Leguizamo gets out and slits his wrist with a piece of glass in the middle

[20:24] of the street.

[20:25] And even that was kind of funny.

[20:26] Acting.

[20:27] Like the deaths are just done in such a goofy way that they, there's a guy later who lies

[20:32] down in front of a lawnmower.

[20:33] You know, I would like to see a John Leguizamo one man show of all the characters in the

[20:38] happening.

[20:39] That would be a good show.

[20:40] See?

[20:41] On HBO.

[20:42] On HBO.

[20:43] Yeah.

[20:44] Yeah.

[20:45] Yeah.

[20:46] Yeah.

[20:47] Yeah.

[20:48] Yeah.

[20:49] That would be a good show.

[20:50] See?

[20:51] On HBO.

[20:52] An HBO special of that.

[20:53] But apparently they all came from Spanish Harlem somehow.

[20:55] Yeah.

[20:56] In this version.

[20:57] But meanwhile, Mark Wahlberg and Zoey Deschanel are having their own adventures.

[21:01] Yeah.

[21:02] Oh, it's a real, it's a real Altman film of parallel plots and different adventures.

[21:08] There's that really good scene where people are trying to outrun the wind and then the

[21:12] wind gets them and they freeze.

[21:14] Yeah.

[21:16] Okay.

[21:17] He hitches a ride with a plant-loving guy who owns a greenhouse who immediately springs

[21:22] to the conclusion, hey, maybe the plants are doing this, which is, spoiler alert, what's

[21:28] happening.

[21:29] Yeah.

[21:30] However.

[21:31] It's not happening.

[21:32] And the big twist to me was that it wasn't fucking M. Night Shyamalan who told us that.

[21:37] Like, he normally loves to do that in his movies.

[21:39] Yeah, he's usually the guy who knows the truth.

[21:40] Hey, it's me, the crackpot who actually knows everything in the world.

[21:43] And I'm also the director and the screenwriter.

[21:45] Wink.

[21:46] I'm great.

[21:47] He kind of tries to cover it up by having the character who says it be the zany guy

[21:51] who you believe thinks that plants are responsible for everything.

[21:54] He does also say that.

[21:55] Plants killed JFK, you know.

[21:57] He does also say that bushes can talk to trees and that plants evolve at a rapid rate and

[22:02] so forth.

[22:03] Right.

[22:04] And he has a strange obsession with hot dogs, too.

[22:05] Yeah.

[22:06] And one of his first lines is, I love hot, who doesn't like hot dogs?

[22:10] He's like, you like hot dogs, don't you?

[22:12] They taste great.

[22:13] They're a very convenient shape.

[22:15] You like hot dogs, right?

[22:16] There's a cut to Zoey Deschanel and she's just awkwardly shaking her head no.

[22:21] He's like, all right.

[22:22] And then later you see him eating a hot dog and it's like, ah, he loves hot dogs.

[22:26] He took hot dogs on this survival adventure.

[22:28] He's the hot dog guy.

[22:29] This is great.

[22:30] Oh, God.

[22:31] It's so good to laugh in such a tough time.

[22:33] But I see M. Night Shyamalan literally, he's like, I have all these small characters in

[22:36] this movie who end up dying.

[22:37] I better come up with characteristics for each of them so they're believable.

[22:41] I'm going to make this guy a hot dog lover.

[22:43] Yeah, he's an aficionado.

[22:44] That must have come after, like, cat person?

[22:48] No, that doesn't work so well.

[22:50] Extreme skateboarder.

[22:51] We like a half man, half cat person.

[22:53] No, just like someone who likes cats.

[22:54] Like a Jax champion.

[22:56] He plays Jax.

[22:57] See, that would be more interesting if he was an actual cat person.

[23:00] It's like, I think the plants are doing this, and then he kills someone and they shoot him

[23:05] and then, run, we got a cat person to deal with.

[23:09] Yeah, if it was like Stephen King's Sleepwalkers.

[23:12] At least then it would have Machenhamec in it.

[23:16] Yeah, that was a very strange movie.

[23:19] By the way, here's a side note.

[23:22] If you're looking for a bad movie to watch on Halloween to laugh at, Sleepwalkers is

[23:27] an A plus bad film.

[23:29] But meanwhile, M. Night Shyamalan has someone state the premise of his film making a huge

[23:37] logical leap.

[23:38] Mark Wahlberg basically accepts it, I guess, because then later on in the movie he knows

[23:42] what's going on.

[23:43] Well, he is a scientist.

[23:44] He's a science teacher.

[23:46] Science teachers teach science, which tells us that if someone tells you something, it's

[23:49] true, and you draw inferences from what you already know and apply that to things going

[23:55] on around you, even if they aren't supported by factual evidence.

[23:58] I think that's called the scientific method.

[24:00] Yeah, it's called the scientific method 2.0.

[24:04] Anyway, we don't have to go over every adventure they have along the way.

[24:09] But the thing is, there's not a lot of depth to the plot, so I think we can.

[24:13] It is a movie that goes from point A to point B to point C through point Z and then leaves

[24:20] you there.

[24:21] There's the two of them and the little girl and then these two kids, and they're banging

[24:27] on this house trying to get in.

[24:30] They've realized that what it is, is when there's too many people in a group, plants

[24:35] can sense that and kill them.

[24:37] So they've got to split up into smaller groups.

[24:39] That's how evolution works.

[24:40] Any defense mechanism a plant has is something that is intentional.

[24:44] It's entirely intentional.

[24:46] It's targeted.

[24:48] They're like, oh, there's more than five people walking together.

[24:51] I'm going to release this neurotoxin.

[24:52] They made a deal with the wind so that the wind will blow whenever they've got to release

[24:55] this toxin.

[24:57] As Stuart pointed out, with Aeolus, the wind god, they decided to make a deal.

[25:03] Well, we talked about it.

[25:04] It's like the scene in Day After Tomorrow where Jake Gyllenhaal is outrunning the cold.

[25:12] There's a scene where he's running down a hall and things are freezing behind him, or

[25:15] like you said, in The Moment of Returns, where they're outrunning the sun.

[25:19] In this movie, there's a scene where they try and outrun the wind.

[25:22] Mark Wahlberg says, we've just got to stay ahead of the wind, which is impossible.

[25:27] Well, it's science.

[25:28] Unless you're – what's his name?

[25:31] Bolt, the Olympic record-holding sprinter.

[25:34] Usain Bolt.

[25:35] Yeah.

[25:36] You're not going to be able to outrun the wind.

[25:37] Maybe he can.

[25:38] He's got golden shoes.

[25:39] But yeah, they go to a house and they bang on the doors.

[25:44] You were talking about this, Stuart.

[25:46] Yeah, the people aren't very excited about letting in the toxins or terrorists or some

[25:51] shit.

[25:52] They're distinctly unenthralled by the idea.

[25:53] Yeah, they're not very enthusiastic about the idea of opening up their doors.

[25:57] And like these kids who are like young teens, of course, they don't take no for an answer.

[26:02] They keep banging on stuff.

[26:03] They keep pushing.

[26:04] As kids will.

[26:05] They keep pushing.

[26:06] And finally, the – I'm guessing hillbillies?

[26:07] I don't know.

[26:08] They're in central Pennsylvania.

[26:09] Some sort of backcountry Pennsylvania hit.

[26:10] I assume that it's just a sentient house.

[26:11] Shotgun?

[26:12] Shotgun.

[26:13] Yeah, it's a sentient shotgun.

[26:15] Yeah, the door opens, which doesn't seem like a wise move because then toxins could get in.

[26:20] But the door opens and a shotgun comes out and blasts one of the kids.

[26:24] And while the other kid is like, what the heck, another shotgun pokes through the window

[26:28] and blows his head off.

[26:29] What I also have is everyone is acting about the people on the other side of the wall as

[26:33] if they don't know what people are.

[26:35] So like they come up to this house and they're peeking through the cracks in the shutters

[26:38] and they see something walk along next to them.

[26:41] They're like, there's something in there.

[26:42] Then there's another one.

[26:43] But they're people inside a house who are talking to them and saying, we're not going to let you in.

[26:46] They're not chuds.

[26:47] Yeah, there's some really good slow motion.

[26:48] There's good slow motion when the kids got shot because Mark Wahlberg had to get really upset.

[26:51] It was this – it was about one inch away from being the – that I wanted it to be.

[26:54] Yeah.

[26:55] And so undeterred by their experience at this house, they're like, I don't know.

[27:09] And so under their own experience at this house …

[27:10] They decide to go to another house.

[27:11] They go to another house which has a crazy old lady in it.

[27:14] But crazy old lady, you say?

[27:15] I find that hard to believe.

[27:16] But wait, here's the swing.

[27:17] That first house – the swing is at the – is at the house of the shotguns.

[27:20] Oh, is that the first house?

[27:21] There's a swing at – hanging from a tree.

[27:24] And the little girl is on the swing and Zoé Deschanel is pushing it.

[27:26] And Mark Wahlberg says, do you think that's not a good idea or something like that?

[27:30] Yeah, he's like, maybe that's not a good idea.

[27:32] But then they –

[27:34] Like someone told Mark Wahlberg that questions always have like a raising inflection at the end.

[27:38] But the camera pans up.

[27:40] It's a tree holding that swing up.

[27:43] Not like a giant or –

[27:45] Nothing.

[27:46] It's not a monster.

[27:47] It's not a robot, not a crane.

[27:48] It's a tree.

[27:49] Not like a brontosaurus tail?

[27:50] No, just like every swing in the world, it's a tree.

[27:53] And then they show like an overhead shot of her swinging on the swing and the branch is shaking.

[27:58] And at any moment you're like, uh-oh, that branch is going to fall off and then it doesn't.

[28:01] And it's over and it never matters.

[28:04] Yeah.

[28:05] It has none of the thrills or horror of the scene in Wizard of Oz where the trees start throwing apples at the scarecrow and Dorothy.

[28:12] Like that scene is scarier than the entire movie that happened.

[28:15] But anyway, they go on to another house, which is owned by a crazy old lady.

[28:21] Sure.

[28:22] This is after they briefly stopped at a realtor's model house.

[28:26] Oh, yeah, that's true.

[28:27] That's where the bathroom question comes up.

[28:28] But anyway, she's drinking her lemon drink.

[28:31] No one talks like a human being in this movie.

[28:33] No.

[28:34] No, they don't.

[28:35] But this woman talks even less like a human being.

[28:38] This woman talks like a rejected Tennessee Williams character.

[28:41] She does.

[28:42] She's talking over dinner with these characters.

[28:44] She's very mean and hostile and invites them to dinner, and she's creepy.

[28:48] And she says to them over dinner, like, one of you is chasing the other, to Zooey Deschanel and Mark Wahlberg.

[28:55] And she goes, that's the way we's made, speaking of like humans.

[28:59] We's made to chase each other.

[29:01] Well, what you don't realize is she learned how to speak English reading Little Abner comics.

[29:06] But anyway, but she does provide some important expository dialogue, which is that if you're out in the shed, you can talk and because of some sort of. . .

[29:18] Some sort of underground passage from the Underground Railroad.

[29:20] Yeah, you can be heard in the main house.

[29:22] She gives them a short lecture on the history of the house and gives them that important piece of information.

[29:26] I would say it stops the movie cold, but the movie stops cold every five minutes.

[29:31] The movie is very, for a thriller, it's very leisurely paced and not a lot is happening a lot of the time.

[29:38] Happening.

[29:40] The best part is when they're about to go to bed and they're like, man, this lady is totally crazy.

[29:45] That's paraphrase, obviously.

[29:47] Not that paraphrase. It's pretty close.

[29:49] And like they hear a noise.

[29:51] So Mark Wahlberg goes to the door and he sees the old lady in her nightgown down there.

[29:55] And she's like, you're talking about stealing stuff.

[29:58] You're going to kill me.

[29:59] And at that point. . .

[30:00] you're like what the fuck are you talking about? Kill you?

[30:03] Mark Wahlberg doesn't say like no of course not what are you crazy he says

[30:08] no no we weren't no we weren't talking about it in a suspicious way

[30:14] he's like i was kind of thinking of killing you and like the next shot is him like waking up

[30:18] like what the fuck are you talking about it's like you're trying to kill me

[30:22] aren't you no no no don't you well time to go to

[30:26] bed oh this is gonna feel great tonight crazy

[30:30] old lady oh it's gonna feel so good just to lie

[30:33] down just to get some z's well then i love it she he he gets up in

[30:37] the next morning zoe deschanel the kid are gone you know

[30:40] he's slowly ever so slowly walking through the

[30:43] house it really takes 15 minutes he he opens her bedroom and he keeps

[30:48] saying her name he's like mrs jones and he's like

[30:51] creeping towards the bed which clearly has a large oversized doll in it it's

[30:55] not mrs jones but he seems to believe it's mrs jones

[30:58] right up until he's like a like a creepy rotten face

[31:01] nearsighted i think yeah it's a creepy doll i think

[31:04] maybe one of the things about the character that was in a cut scene is

[31:07] that he's nearsighted so like he has trouble

[31:10] with recognizing what things are there was an earlier scene where he's like

[31:13] talking to a mannequin thinking it's zoe deschanel

[31:16] it's like a mr magoo character he thinks he thinks that a that a hot water

[31:21] is you know i don't know a popsicle a popsicle

[31:25] and he licks it and burns his tongue this is why i never wrote mr magoo

[31:30] cartoons i'm not very good at it yeah okay mr

[31:34] magoo sees a sewer entrance and he picks up the manhole

[31:37] cover and he thinks it's a pizza and he eats it and he hurts his teeth

[31:40] the end it's the end that's a really short mr

[31:44] magoo listen i'm just doing this because i

[31:47] want to work with jim backus that's the only reason i'm interested

[31:51] all right well i just wanted to do my answering machine message

[31:55] anyway well she's quickly dispatched with the crazy old lady

[31:59] rams her head into a mirror because the neurotoxin gets into her brain oh this

[32:03] is after she yells at him to get out of her house yeah i guess the plants are

[32:06] angered that she's not being more hospitable than mark

[32:09] walberg yeah i don't get it the plants seem to be very like they

[32:12] don't they have a do no harm rule with mark

[32:16] walberg actually you know what it's it's that the toxins get seems to be

[32:19] getting stronger and stronger and strength

[32:21] and even killing single people yeah so we see

[32:24] her like the single guy but we think david silverman

[32:28] jonathan silverman sorry we know we've both gotten names wrong at some point

[32:32] during this thing that i haven't yes yeah another perfect wellington

[32:37] uh can we see her walk by a window then the camera

[32:41] follows along the inside of the wall for

[32:44] what an hour i don't know while she's in theory walking on the other side of

[32:48] the wall and it's literally like m. night shanlon

[32:51] was like you know what the set dressers did such a good job on this set i'm just

[32:54] going to show it for a long time this is going to be great and then you

[32:57] hear thump thump thump and you the assumption is she's like

[33:02] hitting her head against the wall or something

[33:03] that's goofy and then she walks up to the window and smashes her head through

[33:07] the window and you're like oh that's what oh they

[33:09] actually had her doing that's stupid okay uh and she's and then she dies

[33:13] smashing your head through a window that part is kind of creepy though

[33:16] when her head just smashes through that comparably i mean what's yeah what's

[33:19] going to be on her tombstone think about that

[33:22] pepperonis and extra cheese remember those ads everybody

[33:29] new york city yeah isn't that what like that's a different

[33:32] always i thought we were just doing ad tag no were there always like

[33:38] banditos or something there's a guy who was going to be shot by a firing squad

[33:42] what would you like on your tombstone and then he goes pepperoni

[33:45] and sausage tombstone pizza pierre and it's like

[33:49] we were gonna shoot you for your crimes against the state but you know we'll

[33:52] just get you a pizza instead here you go and then uh oh there's oh

[33:56] they say like what was the joke because they're gonna bury him in an unmarked

[33:58] grave or something i think they don't think then they say

[34:02] like later standing around like like all the firing squad when he's

[34:05] yellowly having pizza because it starts he says

[34:08] blindfold no cigarette no what do you want in your tombstone and then he goes

[34:13] that yeah and then they're all sitting around

[34:15] eating eating pizza and the and the leader of the

[34:17] of the firing squad goes napkin and the guy goes no

[34:20] and the firing squad leader has a look at his face like oh you got me again

[34:24] it's a nonsensical commercial when you're in a mustache didn't he

[34:28] yes one of the characters they both did i think but really when you name your

[34:32] pizza company after a grave marker you're asking for that kind of trouble

[34:36] they look like characters from the croc cartoon right the comic strip croc

[34:42] the french foreign legion comic the most relevant thing to most newspaper

[34:48] readers so like oh yes the zany inventions of the french

[34:52] foreign legion

[34:56] that even has a comedy device hasn't been in style since say abbott and

[35:00] costello it's at least as relevant as like mark trail

[35:03] he's fighting fucking animal smugglers all the time

[35:07] how many how many times can he go through that story you know

[35:11] there was a really sad mark trail i remember seeing once where mark trail

[35:14] and the kid who pals around with him i guess is his son

[35:16] are in a cavern that's flooding and it was just like three or four panels and

[35:19] it was just like i'm scared dad i know i know it's okay i'm i'm scared

[35:24] and he goes but i'm proud of you son that was the whole thing and it was like

[35:28] this is the saddest comics there was no like

[35:31] will mark trail escape or like but wait look that hatch up that there was no

[35:34] like cliffhanger it was just these characters are going to die now and

[35:38] they're they're approaching to each other yeah i love that comic

[35:42] for my money that's the strangest of the soap opera comics by far

[35:45] mark trail yeah right at one of them i don't know when terry and the pirates

[35:49] had that character who was living inside of an exoskeleton that was pretty weird

[35:52] too but that's an adventure anyway they get

[35:54] back to the and when brenda star had that abortion on camera

[35:57] in the comic strip that was weird to get back to the

[36:00] the happening i'm sure you think that there's probably an exciting uh

[36:04] end to this film you'd be wrong surely there's not just a deus ex machina

[36:11] you'd assume that mark walbert beats up every plant in america

[36:14] to keep us safe or something like or like they set the forests on fire

[36:18] something like like a tree beard style character shows up

[36:21] yes if you can defeat me in single combat i will save the humans

[36:26] it's like i like the end of karate kid part two with like all the humans

[36:30] playing little hand drums and exactly peter satara song or something

[36:35] no it just turns out uh and then uh comic laughlin tells him you must not

[36:38] fear fear is the mind killer that would be fear is the little death

[36:41] within us all yep spice when i saw that as a kid i first

[36:45] saw that pilot in the beginning who's in the giant tank

[36:47] and he's like a whale man yeah that freaked me out i was amazed by that

[36:52] if you think of this uh discussion of dune is anti-climatic

[36:56] just watch the happening where okay so the old lady kills herself and then the

[37:00] wind comes up oh no mark walberg talking through the

[37:03] secret passage we found out about before tells his wife and their new adopted

[37:08] daughter of their friend who died they should close all the doors close

[37:10] all the windows ah and then he goes no i'm gonna come out and be with you

[37:14] and he walks out and then they go no we'll be with you

[37:17] and they walk out and everything's fine lo and behold it's

[37:21] all over oh thank goodness and three months later

[37:25] cut to three months later civilization is fine

[37:28] and there's a guy on tv saying this was an act of nature and we'll never know

[37:31] yeah another scientist reiterating the idea that

[37:34] oh you know what science science is basically just a bunch of people

[37:38] not learning about things just accepting the unknowability of the world

[37:42] and uh and zoe dishenell learns that she's pregnant and has a big smile on

[37:46] her face because now she can project all of her own insecurities onto a

[37:49] child and ruin that child's life but then

[37:51] we cut to paris oh my god what's going on in paris guys

[37:55] hilton no paris the town paris not paris texas either paris france

[38:02] yeah it would be more interesting if it was harry dean if it was

[38:05] harry dean stanton sitting in a peep show booth talking to

[38:08] was it nastasha kinski yeah and then suddenly plants started killing

[38:11] themselves you know oh my god the plants are killing themselves i

[38:14] miss i would love to see ben vendors the happening

[38:18] that would have been so well but here's the thing when vendors the happening

[38:22] would have had atmosphere and it would have had tone

[38:24] you know say what you will about his movies they can be slow but they have

[38:27] atmosphere whereas this had not for a movie about an airborne

[38:30] toxin there's no atmosphere on this yeah you know airborne toxin

[38:34] that makes you kill yourself you would expect like they're like well we can't

[38:38] rely on you know normal style fucking like fright

[38:41] gags to work maybe we should try and focus on i

[38:44] don't know getting people to like but the

[38:46] ending of this movie yeah they cut to france

[38:49] and i was like oh my god it's happening again and it's basically

[38:53] the same ending as uh 28 weeks later when like spoiler alert yeah spoiler

[38:59] worked for 28 weeks later where the last shot is a

[39:02] bunch of zombies running in front of the eiffel tower

[39:05] and when i saw that going it was going spring break

[39:09] yeah when i saw that ending i'm like huge loaves of bread

[39:14] sacre bleu french zombie

[39:19] and in both cases in this movie and in 28 weeks later which is a much better

[39:23] movie than this movie but in both cases i was like you realize

[39:27] i'm supposed to be creeped out by this i'm kind of glad i'm like oh at least

[39:31] the french are getting it too wow that's really look man is hateful

[39:35] towards the french i'm not saying it's hateful towards i'm saying

[39:37] man if it's gonna happen to us why not the french

[39:41] wasn't like an extremely anti-american movie yeah

[39:44] the reason the point they're attacking is because of miracles

[39:48] yeah no blood for oil get out of iraq plants you know what we're talking about

[39:52] yeah i guess we'll kill everybody so that america will stop being imperialist

[39:56] fuck you i won't do what you tell me and then the plants go to a rage concert

[40:00] You know, smash some Starbucks windows.

[40:03] They break open a prison cell with Mumia, Abu-Jamal, and that's it.

[40:08] The plants just wanted America to free Mumia.

[40:12] They could have, why didn't they just arrange a crop circle that said free Mumia?

[40:15] Dudes, if the government would just listen to the plants, things would be perfect.

[40:19] Well, it's just like that Spinal Tap song, listen to what the flower people say.

[40:23] Yeah.

[40:24] But the, I haven't seen 20 Weeks Later yet,

[40:26] and now my image is literally of the zombies running with their arms up in the air, going

[40:30] yeah!

[40:31] It's only slightly less comical than that, actually.

[40:34] With big backpacks on their backs.

[40:37] We are backpacking through Europe.

[40:39] I'm French, but I'm backpacking through France.

[40:43] Zombie!

[40:44] This string of dialogue brings to mind the scene in Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo, where

[40:51] the Canadian terrorists run over and take shits next to cars and stuff.

[40:54] It's pretty awesome.

[40:56] Have I told you my anecdote about Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo?

[40:59] No, you haven't.

[41:00] I was walking home from work and they had the posters up for it on a construction site

[41:04] or something, so it was coming out.

[41:05] And someone had drawn...

[41:06] Not like a public library or...

[41:09] Not the mayor's office.

[41:12] Someone had drawn glasses and a mustache on Rob Schneider, and it made the movie look

[41:16] like it might be a sophisticated kind of foreign sex farce.

[41:20] I was like, huh, that looks like a very brainy movie now that he has glasses and a mustache.

[41:25] The poster instantly became like a Woody Allen movie, you know?

[41:28] Final judgments.

[41:29] I forgot to do the special Halloween final judgments this time.

[41:32] Last time.

[41:33] I'll do it this time.

[41:34] Was this film totally scarifying?

[41:38] Was it frighteningly funny?

[41:40] I see you sitting at work trying to come up with these.

[41:44] Or was it totally snorifying?

[41:46] Stewart?

[41:47] Oh, we do have fun, don't we?

[41:52] Yeah, this is going to be a surprise.

[41:55] This is going to be a big twist, but I think it was snorifying.

[41:58] Snorifying?

[41:59] You're not going to back it up with anything?

[42:01] No.

[42:02] It was like, this wasn't as abysmal as Lady in the Water, where I'm watching and I'm like,

[42:07] what's going on?

[42:08] Why am I watching this?

[42:10] But it also was worse than The Other Ones.

[42:14] So this is probably his second to worst movie.

[42:15] That's probably the title of his next movie, The Other Ones.

[42:19] I'm going to actually say that I thought this was frighteningly funny.

[42:22] I...

[42:23] Oh, I'm sorry.

[42:24] I was just scared by how funny I thought this was.

[42:31] Look, they're fucking theme categories, all right?

[42:36] I dictated the theme categories.

[42:37] I'm going to stick to them.

[42:38] Oh, Dan McCoy, you're so easy to needle.

[42:41] Stew, you and I watched Lady in the Water together.

[42:44] We did.

[42:45] I think pre-Flophouse, we were just like, this will be hilarious.

[42:48] And it wasn't.

[42:49] It was just boring and painful.

[42:50] Yeah, it's not a good movie.

[42:51] This movie was really, I thought there was a lot of laughable dialogue.

[42:57] That's right.

[42:58] On the NARF meter, that had many more NARFs than this one.

[43:01] This one had many fewer ladies in water than that one.

[43:04] Yeah.

[43:05] That's Paul Giamatti, too.

[43:06] But more goofy dialogue.

[43:08] I'm sure he's really disappointed by that, actually.

[43:10] More people running into trees, more people feeding themselves to lions.

[43:15] The guy feeding himself to the lion looks so disinterested in being eaten by lions.

[43:19] He was like, yep, lion's ripping my arm off.

[43:22] Well, whatever.

[43:23] Oh, okay, another lion ripping my arm off.

[43:28] What are you going to do?

[43:29] For me, I think this movie was, if you're in the market for a recent bad film, I think

[43:33] this is worth checking out once, because it's just so weirdly miscalculated.

[43:39] I got to say, I'm a split up here.

[43:42] Part of me thinks it was snorifying, but there are other parts of it that were frighteningly

[43:50] funny.

[43:51] The really poor pieces of writing, you know, bad acting, you know what, I'm going to say

[43:56] frighteningly funny.

[43:57] I'm going to go on that one.

[43:58] I'm the odd man out, huh?

[43:59] I guess you're going to have to leave the island, but it's been beautiful knowing you.

[44:05] Which is also what I get for all my vitriol.

[44:11] All the spite that pours out of me.

[44:14] So that was great.

[44:15] That one we talked about.

[44:16] Oh, and also that one was completely overrated.

[44:17] Completely.

[44:18] Didn't I already say I wanted to shoot him?

[44:19] No, I didn't.

[44:20] I don't know if you should say that out loud.

[44:21] Yeah, that seems like a threat.

[44:22] You did say that you wanted to punch him.

[44:23] Oh, okay.

[44:24] Is that a threat?

[44:25] I don't actually want to threaten him.

[44:26] Well, it's a lower level threat, certainly.

[44:27] Unless you were going to shoot him with your fist, or punch him with a bullet from a gun.

[44:28] Wait, what if I could fire my hands from, like, my hand?

[44:41] Oh, like Kane.

[44:42] Yeah.

[44:43] Like Kane from the X-Men comics.

[44:44] Yeah.

[44:45] Then yeah.

[44:46] That's acceptable.

[44:47] Go ahead.

[44:48] But, I was just wondering if I've said something like mean about him before.

[44:52] You have.

[44:53] Okay, but what I want to say is…

[44:54] He's very rude to waiters and other help staff.

[44:57] Like, I feel like, in many ways I feel bad just that we watched this, and we're doing

[45:02] a podcast on it, because anything that gives him more like, you know, all of our listeners,

[45:09] like we're just…

[45:10] Yeah, everybody now, like, now people might actually go out and rent his movies.

[45:14] Like, he's making…

[45:15] Certainly his nationwide theatrical release isn't going to get as many people as this

[45:18] podcast.

[45:19] Like, Ridley Scott makes generally shitty movies, but…

[45:23] He's mediocre.

[45:24] Okay.

[45:25] But…

[45:26] He has one masterpiece.

[45:27] He's mediocre.

[45:28] He's not like, his masterpiece was…

[45:29] Alien.

[45:30] Alien.

[45:31] Okay.

[45:32] I was making sure you weren't going to say Blade Runner.

[45:33] No.

[45:34] Come on.

[45:35] Blade Runner's overrated too.

[45:36] Though not as overrated as M. Night Shyamalan.

[45:38] But, like, M. Night Shyamalan just makes terrible movies, like abysmal movies, and he shouldn't

[45:43] make movies anymore.

[45:44] Like, I'd rather Uwe Boll make movies until I am long dead.

[45:48] At least Uwe Boll is a guy who, like, it feels like when you're watching a movie by him

[45:53] or you read an interview with him, he comes off as like a crazy funny guy.

[45:57] Yeah.

[45:58] Like, just silly.

[45:59] There's some sort of joy in what he's doing.

[46:00] Yeah.

[46:01] Whereas M. Night Shyamalan…

[46:02] Which I would too.

[46:03] If I made nothing but terrible movies, I would be like, I'm going to make the next one

[46:06] even stupider.

[46:07] He's a challenge for him now.

[46:08] Whereas M. Night…

[46:09] And he enjoys it.

[46:10] But, like, M. Night Shyamalan feels like a guy who thinks he's doing you a favor by

[46:13] making this movie and showing it to you.

[46:16] It's like, you are going to love this so much, and I, okay, I'll do it.

[46:23] You know what?

[46:24] Fine.

[46:25] I'll do it.

[46:26] I'll make this movie for you.

[46:27] Okay.

[46:28] Okay.

[46:29] I'll do it.

[46:31] You can watch it.

[46:33] Oh, you love it.

[46:34] Done.

[46:35] Anyway, give me a million dollars.

[46:36] Now write a book about how great I am.

[46:37] I don't know because I'm that good.

[46:38] But you do see his innings coming.

[46:40] Going into it, like, somebody, you know, obviously somebody spoiled it for me and was like, it's

[46:44] the trees and plants that are killing people.

[46:46] So I'm like, okay, that's retarded, but I'll watch it because that sounds really stupid.

[46:51] And I go into it expecting it to be kind of like hidden, like the little bit of subterfuge

[46:57] is actually what's going on.

[46:59] But no, it's like, the first shot is like a bunch of trees, like, shooting out toxin

[47:04] into people.

[47:05] Like, it's terrible.

[47:06] Like, you could have done it.

[47:07] Like, the way – like, Cloverfield is not a perfect movie, but they do a good job of

[47:11] kind of like portioning out the information about what's going on, you know, in terms

[47:16] of them seeing TV broadcasts or catching glimpses of things.

[47:20] But here it's like, see some trees, scene, scene, scene, scene, scene, guy says the plants

[47:24] are doing it, scene, scene, scene, the end.

[47:27] There's no buildup or anything.

[47:28] You don't get drips of information or anything like that.

[47:31] Terrible.

[47:32] I guess what I'm saying is if you want a movie where people are running around and

[47:35] getting scared by things, go see Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds.

[47:38] I guess what you're saying is it was less like The Happening and more like The Nappening.

[47:43] Oh, I thought you were going to say The Crappening.

[47:45] That would have been way better.

[47:49] Please, Elliot.

[47:50] More like The Flappening.

[47:51] I don't even know what that means.

[47:54] The Flappening?

[47:55] Well, if you were drinking liquor or you're watching it, more like The Grappening.

[47:59] No, that's good, yeah, that's good.

[48:03] If you were going to the gynecologist, it would be more like The Pappening.

[48:07] If it was made with nothing but frogs in the movie, it would be The Hoppening.

[48:13] Guys, shoppening and so forth, chaplening, the showpanning.

[48:19] And so forth.

[48:20] It was about a penis.

[48:21] It would be called the showpanning.

[48:22] Ad nauseum.

[48:23] All right.

[48:24] If it starred Ice Cube, it would be The Rappening.

[48:26] All right.

[48:27] Come on.

[48:28] We've talked very long about this.

[48:30] Scrappening.

[48:32] Let's quickly go into our actual recommendation of horror movies.

[48:35] Flappening.

[48:36] For people who are looking for a horror film this Halloween.

[48:39] Flappening.

[48:40] Something that they actually like.

[48:42] Stuart?

[48:43] Yeah.

[48:44] This is going to be rough.

[48:47] The only movies I've seen recently were Fool's Gold, which was not a horror movie, but I

[48:52] think it was every other kind of movie.

[48:54] I watched this totally insane French movie directed by Enki Ballal, the comics artist

[49:02] who you might remember from the Nicopole trilogy and various other bullshit that was in Heavy

[49:07] Metal magazine back in the 90s.

[49:10] That was crazy retarded.

[49:11] What was the name of that crazy retarded movie?

[49:14] Immortal.

[49:16] How about I recommend The League of Gentlemen?

[49:18] Did I recommend that last time?

[49:19] No, you didn't.

[49:20] You were talking to me about it on the walk home, I think.

[49:24] The League of Gentlemen, it's a British comedy show.

[49:27] Part of me wants to recommend it because Little Britain has just come to the States and it

[49:30] gets a lot of credit, but The League of Gentlemen, they have a couple seasons out.

[49:35] You can probably find it.

[49:36] I think they show it on BBC America every once in a while, but it's great because it's

[49:39] all these guys playing, it's this comedy group that play all the characters in this weird

[49:43] little town in England, and if you took out the laugh track, it would definitely be a

[49:47] horror movie.

[49:49] It's just totally creepy and weird and kind of gross.

[49:53] Yes, that's true.

[49:54] It is an off-putting show.

[49:56] Well, before I make my recommendation, I want to...

[50:00] Stuart, I watched one of your previous recommendations, Inside, or as the French say, à l'interieur.

[50:07] Sure.

[50:08] And I watched The Signal recently too on your recommendation, Dan.

[50:13] I want to warn listeners that if they like really unpleasant experiences, Inside is something

[50:22] they should watch once, much like I would recommend Audition, say, to be watched.

[50:27] Oh, Audition, come on.

[50:29] That's not that scary.

[50:30] No, it's not that scary, but it's unpleasant.

[50:32] Unpleasant.

[50:33] This is actually more unpleasant.

[50:34] Unpleasantly boring.

[50:35] This is more unpleasant than...

[50:38] And I like Mieke's stuff.

[50:40] Oh, my God, Audition is harrowing at the end.

[50:45] However, Inside is harrowing through two-thirds of the movie at least.

[50:50] I almost barfed once when watching it.

[50:52] And you've got a very strong stomach.

[50:54] Especially with gore, yeah.

[50:55] I've seen the porn you look at, and it is horrifying.

[50:57] It's horrifying, right?

[50:58] Yeah.

[50:59] Like, I can't stop.

[51:02] I like horror movies, but I like a good creature feature.

[51:06] Sure.

[51:07] I like something like American Horror from London.

[51:09] A good slasher-masher.

[51:12] Something with some laughs and some thrills.

[51:14] Sure.

[51:15] Inside made me feel sad and unpleasant.

[51:19] Fool's Gold is a movie where you see the poster in the theater, and you're like,

[51:22] that's a poster that was made as a prop for another movie.

[51:25] Like, that's not a real movie.

[51:27] The thing about that movie is it was like –

[51:29] It's like in Burn After Reading with that Dermot Mulroney film in it.

[51:33] Coming up.

[51:34] Coming up Daisy.

[51:35] Coming up Daisy, yeah.

[51:37] Would you just get down out of that tree?

[51:40] The thing about Fool's Gold is that they're building off of the comedy chemistry

[51:46] that's already present from How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.

[51:49] But not the same characters.

[51:51] Yeah, no, but the same actors.

[51:53] So they're pretty much the same characters.

[51:56] They prom in the trailers and poster.

[51:58] They promise lots of bikini and shirtless Matthew McConaughey shots.

[52:02] So both boyfriend and girlfriend are like, I wouldn't mind watching that one.

[52:07] This is something we can mutually masturbate to.

[52:10] They also throw in like a treasure plot.

[52:13] Like a plot with treasure.

[52:14] Anne Donald Sutherland.

[52:15] Sounds great to me.

[52:17] Sign me up.

[52:18] And Ray Winstow.

[52:19] Sign me up times two.

[52:20] That's value.

[52:22] How much would you pay for this movie?

[52:24] $39.99?

[52:26] Well guess what?

[52:28] Right now you can get it for $19.99.

[52:30] Alright guys.

[52:31] So what, I missed the inside recommendation.

[52:33] What's that about?

[52:34] The inside was just saying that it's a genuinely upsetting film.

[52:37] It's a French movie.

[52:39] You just got to know what you're getting into.

[52:41] But my actual recommendation, it's terribly disturbing.

[52:45] My actual recommendation, however, I'm just looking at my own DVD shelf

[52:50] because I did not think this through before the podcast.

[52:53] I'm going to recommend Slither.

[52:55] Good call.

[52:56] The James Gunn film.

[52:58] Oh yeah, from Project Runway.

[53:00] Yes.

[53:01] Yes.

[53:02] Tim Gunn's movie, Slither, about an alien intelligence who comes down to earth.

[53:10] A bunch of worms that inhabit people, turning them into zombies.

[53:15] Like Neil Rooker.

[53:17] Yeah.

[53:18] There's Nathan Fillion in it from Firefly.

[53:22] Jenner Fisher, TV's Pam from The Office has a small role.

[53:26] Oh yeah.

[53:27] As you say, Michael Rooker's in it.

[53:29] Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer is Elizabeth Banks, a popular comic actress.

[53:37] She's in W.

[53:38] Yeah, she is.

[53:39] So it's a good 1980s style horror comedy and it's got a lot of practical special effects,

[53:45] a lot of gross makeup.

[53:46] It's a lot of fun.

[53:47] Scary stuff, huh?

[53:48] Yeah.

[53:49] I just had one in mind and then I lost it for a second.

[53:52] It was the peanut butter solution, wasn't it?

[53:54] No.

[53:55] Well, War of the Worlds, Steven Spielberg recommended that.

[53:57] That was better than this movie.

[53:58] If you want to see something with the same kind – like an older thing maybe with the same kind of mounting terror feel that this was going for but doesn't, then Village of the Damned is good in that way.

[54:11] The first like 10 or 15 minutes of that movie, all the women in this town fall asleep at once and no one knows why.

[54:17] It's like there's a radius around the town and if you enter it, you fall asleep.

[54:20] And it takes like 10 or 15 minutes at the beginning, the British military kind of like sending guys over and trying to figure out where this perimeter lies and how they can get past it.

[54:30] And it's actually really good and suspenseful in a way that you wouldn't expect it to be.

[54:35] And then of course there's like crazy children with hypnotic eyes and stuff.

[54:39] Is George Sanders in that movie?

[54:41] Yeah, I think he's the schoolteacher actually if I'm remembering correctly.

[54:45] But that one is really good or if you've never seen, there's a documentary that they made or a faux documentary they made in England in the 60s called The War Game about this is what would happen if England was struck by a nuclear attack during a wider nuclear war.

[55:03] And it takes you in documentary style kind of like step-by-step.

[55:06] Here's how it happened and here's what the people were like.

[55:09] Here's what they did next, and it gets across the idea.

[55:12] Again, the idea of the happening was going for of like we don't know what's going on.

[55:16] There's a wider catastrophe, and we're just part of it, and there's nothing we can do about it in a much better way.

[55:21] This is a documentary the BBC commissioned from a director whose name I don't remember, and they considered it too graphic and too frightening to be shown on television.

[55:30] So it was given a theatrical release, and it was either nominated or won best documentary short subject from the Academy Awards, really scary and in a way where it's like you're worried that that's going to happen when you wake up the next day.

[55:42] And also, you know what?

[55:43] Why not?

[55:44] The Thing.

[55:45] I don't care.

[55:46] Throw it in there.

[55:47] Again, John Carpenter's The Thing, brilliant movie, one of the best horror movies ever made in my opinion.

[55:52] I agree.

[55:53] It just does everything so well that this movie fucking is shitty about.

[55:57] The characters are really fun and interesting, and you believe them.

[56:00] It's really suspenseful.

[56:01] You genuinely are worried about them and don't know what's going to happen next, and then the ending could be seen as an anticlimax, but it's so perfectly done at the end that you feel good about it.

[56:13] And I would go so far as to say best Wilford Brimley movie.

[56:17] Oh, by far.

[56:18] Wait a minute.

[56:19] Hard Target.

[56:20] Oh, he makes a good point.

[56:23] Sorry, you're going to have to retry again.

[56:24] Hard Target.

[56:25] Thank you.

[56:26] Is that four recommendations from me?

[56:28] Yeah.

[56:29] Chew on that.

[56:30] Chew on that.

[56:31] New Flathouse record.

[56:32] And if you want to just see a weird movie, I just finished watching The President's Analyst with James Baldwin.

[56:36] All right.

[56:37] That was a crazy movie.

[56:38] Jesus, Jabberjaw.

[56:39] So I'm a talking shark who plays in a band.

[56:43] Drums.

[56:44] He plays drums in an underwater band.

[56:46] How does he hold the drumsticks right with little fins?

[56:49] I think he wraps his fins around.

[56:51] Well, Elliot and Stewart hashed this out.

[56:53] He doesn't have thumbs, but he talks like Curly.

[56:56] I've been Dan McCoy, and I've always been Stewart Wellington.

[57:00] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[57:02] Yeah.

[57:05] Sorry about all the recommendations in there.

[57:07] I needed to get the happening out of my mouth.

[57:17] YM is a Young Miss magazine.

[57:20] I know Young Miss.

[57:21] I don't know what the column is.

[57:22] They have this little column where I'm—

[57:24] You didn't read Young Miss magazine?

[57:26] I never read it.

[57:27] That was a magazine that friends of mine in middle school used to go look it up in the library.

[57:31] Yeah, yeah.

[57:32] And just look at pictures of girls in it.

[57:35] Well, maybe the guys I was with were doing it for that.

[57:38] I was reading it with them.

[57:40] Like we'd sit around the table, and somebody would read out the Say Anything section,

[57:44] which would be girls writing in embarrassing stories, and then they'd rate them on a throw-out factor.

[57:48] Oh, that's right.

[57:49] And my favorite was the one where the girl was at a pharmacy, and there was like a hot guy working there,

[57:55] and she decided to get some candy that was behind the counter,

[58:00] and she asked for a greasy penis instead of Reese's Pieces.

[58:06] That never happened in the world.

[58:08] Well, it was—

[58:09] That was written by a 45-year-old copywriter, editor who works for the magazine.

[58:13] Well, good stuff.

[58:14] Thank you.

[58:15] Sir, good stuff.

[58:18] Tell that to Blushing in Bermuda.

[58:21] Sure.

[58:22] Let's dig into the show.

[58:24] Okay.

[58:25] Deep Dish Flophouse.

The Flop House: Episode #25 - The Happening

Transcript

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