The Flop House Movie Minute #15 - Hor-nutz!

Dan McCoy

[0:00] And now, the Flophouse Movie Minute.

Stuart Wellington

[0:10] Yeah, guys, so I just got back from vacation.

[0:15] National Lampoon's vacation?

Elliott Kalan

[0:16] It was kind of.

Stuart Wellington

[0:18] I was in California.

[0:19] I think they went to California in one of those movies, right?

[0:22] I don't remember.

[0:22] The first one.

[0:23] Yeah.

[0:23] So we went camping in Yosemite, me and my lady.

Elliott Kalan

[0:28] That's where they make Vegemite.

[0:30] Yep.

[0:30] That's where Yosemite Sam was born.

Stuart Wellington

[0:33] Yeah.

[0:33] So I was in Yosemite National Park, and we got there a little late, and we're looking for a campground.

[0:40] We finally found one.

[0:41] Because it closes.

[0:42] Well, it gets dark, dude, and there's bears and shit.

[0:45] So we're there.

[0:46] That's what the signs say.

[0:47] Absolutely.

[0:48] Yosemite, bears and shit.

[0:50] Yeah, we finally find a campsite, and we don't have any firewood because we didn't bring any with us,

[0:56] and they don't have a guy selling firewood.

[0:58] So we go wandering around out in the woods, and it's getting late, so we did that first

[1:02] because we're like, fuck, we've got to get some firewood.

[1:04] We don't have like a hatchet or anything.

[1:06] I'm not like a woodsman in that sense.

[1:08] Or a killer stalking the woods.

[1:09] Or a killer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10] Did you know you were going to Yosemite, or was it like Man vs. Wild, and they just dropped you out of a helicopter?

[1:15] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15] It was like one of the Saw movies where I wake up and he's like, let's play a game.

[1:20] You're in Yosemite.

[1:21] Find some shit.

[1:22] Let's play a game.

[1:23] It's called Oregon Trail.

Dan McCoy

[1:24] Yep.

[1:25] No, don't cock the wagon.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28] There's a key to the bomb inside your skull.

[1:30] Are you willing to get it?

[1:32] Live or die, you choose.

[1:34] Key to the bomb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38] Okay.

[1:39] I'm glad you recognize that because I was like, yeah, that makes sense.

[1:43] A key to the stubble bomb.

[1:44] Okay.

[1:44] Peanut galling.

[1:45] Of course you're allowed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46] Will you get into your skull and take that key out?

[1:47] So with all that stuff in mind, we're looking for wood.

[1:52] I end up like jumping on a tree like I'm kicking this tree that fell over to try and get wood off.

[1:58] And then I'm like, fuck it, this isn't working.

[2:00] And I go and find my girlfriend, and she's found this downed tree,

[2:06] and she has the bright idea to knock.

[2:08] A downed tree?

[2:09] A tree made of goose downed?

[2:11] Yep.

[2:11] It's a fluffy tree of downed.

[2:12] A really depressed tree.

[2:13] Yep.

[2:13] Oh, okay.

[2:14] This tree that has fallen over or been cut over.

[2:16] I can't really cut by like a chainsaw or something.

[2:18] I can't remember.

[2:19] She has the idea to take this giant rock and smash it into the tree to break off chunks of

[2:23] chunks.

[2:24] You really brought no things with you.

[2:25] No.

[2:26] It was kind of like 10,000 B.C. actually.

[2:28] We're like, oh, stick broken by rock or something.

[2:31] I don't know.

[2:33] And she picks up this giant stone, and she's smashing it into the tree.

[2:36] Like, hey, I'm going to break off some wood.

[2:38] And, you know, I'm kind of lazy.

[2:40] I'm just watching her do this.

[2:41] And then I start hearing a buzzing sound.

[2:43] And I'm like, did something die?

[2:44] Is there a dead body nearby?

[2:46] Are those flies?

Elliott Kalan

[2:47] Because they buzz.

[2:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:48] Well, no.

[2:48] Like, the body's not buzzing.

[2:49] It's flies.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] Somebody had set the body to vibrate and was getting a call.

Stuart Wellington

[2:54] Yeah.

[2:56] Usually when I call dead bodies, they vibrate.

[2:59] So, and then I look down, and there's a hole in the tree, and hornets are pouring out of

[3:03] this tree.

[3:05] And I start shouting, bees, bees.

[3:09] And my girlfriend throws down the rock and goes, like, running off in the distance, like,

[3:13] flailing her arms, like a Benny Hill character sketch thing.

[3:17] And I start flailing my arms because I start getting stung on the face.

[3:21] Ah.

[3:21] Yeah.

[3:22] That's horrible.

[3:22] It was rough.

[3:23] And then we kind of stumble through the woods for a while, and still being stung and avoiding

[3:29] bees.

[3:29] And then she realized that there's a bee in the hood of her sweatshirt.

[3:33] So, while being stung, she makes me hold on to her undershirt so she can pull off her

[3:38] sweatshirt.

[3:39] Which is probably modest.

[3:41] Was she worried the hornets would see her belly?

[3:43] I don't know what it is.

[3:44] I mean, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[3:46] Well, hornets like milk.

[3:47] So, they're attracted to human bosoms.

[3:49] To bosoms, yep.

Stuart Wellington

[3:50] Wow, that's your girlfriend he's talking about.

[3:51] I know.

[3:52] What the fuck, dude?

[3:53] So, okay.

[3:55] With Dan, I'm not making comments about my girlfriend's boobs now.

[3:59] I just don't know why she would be lactating.

[4:01] It's not like boobs are just bags of milk.

[4:05] Wait.

[4:06] She's lactating?

[4:08] But she was stung in the womb by a hornet.

[4:13] She's giving birth to a hornet man.

[4:15] Or a hornet man.

[4:16] We'll find out about that later, though.

[4:18] Right now, with the rest of the story, she throws down her sweatshirt on the ground and

[4:21] then goes stomping off, just leaving it on the ground in the woods.

[4:24] I, being a gentleman, pick up the sweatshirt and, like, stomp after her, trying to find

[4:29] my way back to the campsite.

[4:31] About ten minutes later, we're done swatting the bees and shit that are stinging us.

[4:36] And we're like, okay, well, that totally sucked.

[4:39] We don't have any firewood and it's dark now.

[4:41] Let's get into the car and at least set up our tent.

[4:44] And I start patting down the sweatshirt that's sitting on the picnic table because the keys

[4:48] were in there.

[4:49] And surprise, surprise, we've lost the keys somewhere in the woods.

[4:53] So I then had to go stomping out in the woods, being very, very careful not to get stung

[4:58] by more hornets.

[4:59] And eventually, about 20 minutes later, some other guy found the keys and gave them to us.

[5:04] So I swear there's some kind of, like, a comedy in this story, guys, like a buddy comedy.

[5:10] I think it's called Ruffin' It.

Dan McCoy

[5:11] Ruffin' It or Without a Paddle.

[5:13] Yeah, maybe it's Without a Paddle starring Seth Green.

Stuart Wellington

[5:16] And Dax Shepard or whatever that guy's called.

[5:19] It's called The Sting, but not that The Sting.

Dan McCoy

[5:22] Okay.

[5:23] It's called Ow, Hornets!

Stuart Wellington

[5:25] I got stung.

[5:26] Exclamation point.

[5:27] It's called Hornuts!

[5:29] I got stung in my face and about a foot away from my genitals.

[5:34] So...

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] A foot is a fair amount away from your genitals.

[5:37] You're, what, six feet tall?

[5:38] Oh, give or take.

[5:39] So that's one-sixth of your body size.

[5:41] So a foot's not that...

[5:43] But blood flows down there, right?

[5:45] I mean, I hope so.

[5:46] Your groin?

Dan McCoy

[5:48] Yeah, sometimes.

[5:48] If you want to get erections, certainly.

[5:50] I heard somewhere that...

[5:52] Have you been having trouble achieving an erection since you were stung?

[5:54] There's a book called Poison Sex that I think you might need to...

[5:57] Poison Sex?

Stuart Wellington

[5:58] Now, on the...

[5:59] Poison Sex aside, Dan...

[6:00] I read that book.

[6:02] Now, I also read somewhere in a book that vampires should bite dudes on the crotch because there's more blood down there.

[6:09] What do you guys think?

[6:10] I think...

[6:10] That'd make a good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:12] It's...

[6:12] I dare...

Stuart Wellington

[6:14] Maybe a gay vampire movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:15] I guarantee you there is a gay porn movie that has vampires in it where they bite guys' penises.

Stuart Wellington

[6:19] I saw a porno movie...

[6:21] And it's probably called, like, Count Succula.

[6:23] That's pretty good.

[6:25] That's why the Daily Show pays you the big bucks, isn't it?

[6:28] Yeah.

[6:28] For the Count Dracula blowjob jokes.

[6:31] Yeah.

[6:32] Oh, Count Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] I thought we were talking about Count Chocula.

[6:35] Or it's called, like...

[6:36] It's called...

Dan McCoy

[6:36] That new segment, John Hodgman tells a vampire blowjob.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] It's called Nos Felatio.

Dan McCoy

[6:42] Man.

[6:43] Man, I need...

Stuart Wellington

[6:43] You can't switch off, can you?

Elliott Kalan

[6:44] I need to write the monster column for Penthouse is what it turns out.

[6:48] A really good movie.

[6:48] So, but yeah, I think I see a movie in there, definitely.

Stuart Wellington

[6:51] Should I go to, like, company?

[6:53] Just go to Hollywood.

[6:54] Hollywood?

Elliott Kalan

[6:55] Population.

[6:55] Go to Hollywood right now.

Stuart Wellington

[6:57] Write a letter to Fame Street.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Write a letter to Seth Rogen.

Stuart Wellington

[7:00] Okay.

[7:01] Because he would play me, right?

[7:03] Yes.

[7:03] Who would be my girlfriend, Sandy Duncan?

Elliott Kalan

[7:06] I gotta say, probably not Sandy Duncan.

[7:08] Probably be, like, Mila Kunis or something.

[7:10] Mila Kunis, okay.

Dan McCoy

[7:10] Sandy Duncan might be a little old at this point.

[7:14] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[7:15] And who would be the crotchety old camper?

[7:19] We'll get to the Hornets in a second.

Elliott Kalan

[7:21] The Hornets would be CGI.

[7:22] Except for the scenes where the two Hornets are talking to each other, when it'll be,

[7:26] like, the cast of Human Giant or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[7:28] I think that we should do the Hornets, like, Irwin Allen's The Swarm, and just throw

[7:33] a bunch of rice in front of the camera.

Stuart Wellington

[7:35] Okay.

[7:36] And who would be the crotchety old camper next to us, shaking his head as we get into

[7:40] hijinks?

[7:42] Well, Lloyd Bridges is dead.

Elliott Kalan

[7:44] Let's see.

Dan McCoy

[7:45] You could go, like, the Adam Sandler route and have, like, Steve Buscemi play that character.

Stuart Wellington

[7:50] That'd be pretty good, yeah.

[7:51] Or, like, Steve Buscemi's dad.

[7:53] Or, like, Rob Schneider.

[7:55] Yeah.

[7:55] But with his old face.

[7:56] In makeup, yeah.

[7:58] Yeah.

[7:58] And there'd probably be a few more penis jokes.

[8:01] Like, when my girlfriend takes her sweatshirt off, he would make a comment like Dan made,

[8:05] like, about my girlfriend's boobs.

[8:07] There's a lot of milk in there.

[8:10] Like, whoa, let me go get my milk in stool.

Elliott Kalan

[8:12] And you go, hey, why oughta?

[8:14] And then you look a little further and he's pointing at, like, a big carton of milk that

[8:18] someone just left on a stump.

[8:20] There's a lot of that kind of thing.

Dan McCoy

[8:21] Now, now, well, now it's more of, like, a wet, hot American summer movie.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] I wish it could be, um, I always forget if his name is Walter William, Walter Brennan.

[8:31] Because in To Have and Have Not, he keeps saying, would you ever bit by a dead bee?

[8:34] And that's the way he tests people is how they react to that question.

[8:38] Which is not, which is like, it's supposed to be like, oh, I get it.

[8:41] So that's, but when you watch the movie, you're like, I wouldn't know how to answer that movie.

[8:45] And I consider myself a pretty good person.

Dan McCoy

[8:47] It would be great.

[8:48] I imagine him running away being, hornets, hornets, hornets are coming.

Elliott Kalan

[8:53] Ah, you're done waking up the hornets again.

Dan McCoy

[8:57] Those were my pet hornets that lived in that tree.

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] So, that's a pretty good movie.

[9:03] A plus from Entertainment Weekly, I would imagine, from Lisa Schwartzbaum.

[9:06] Lisa Schwartzbaum would like it.

Elliott Kalan

[9:07] Owen Gleiberman would not like it.

[9:09] Okay.

[9:09] Balls in your court.

[9:10] Fingers crossed.

[9:11] And Anthony Lane would write a whole bunch of shit that doesn't make sense.

Stuart Wellington

[9:14] And there'd be some, like.

Elliott Kalan

[9:15] About the class implications of the.

Stuart Wellington

[9:17] Some naive style artwork.

Elliott Kalan

[9:19] It would be, it would be so witty.

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] Anne Hathaway should be in it.

Elliott Kalan

[9:25] What, is she one of the hornets?

[9:26] Who is she playing?

Stuart Wellington

Elliott Kalan

[9:28] Is she the voice of the car?

[9:29] She is.

Stuart Wellington

[9:30] Yes.

[9:31] She's, she's the, the car totem spirit.

[9:34] That speaks to us.

[9:35] You've lost my keys.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] I give you this quest.

[9:38] Find the keys to me.

Stuart Wellington

[9:40] And Seth Rogen Stewart would nod his head and go running off into the woods.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] And then, and then there'd be like 20 minutes of him just ad-libbing dialogue about bees.

Stuart Wellington

[9:49] Yep.

[9:50] So, it's a good movie.

[9:52] Well, that ended with a whimper.

[9:54] Yeah, you didn't have to say that.

Elliott Kalan

[9:57] Again, Dan likes to undercut things by pointing them out.

[10:00] Right for the nuts.

Stuart Wellington

[10:03] Right for the nuts, McCoy.

[10:04] Hornuts.

[10:05] That's why you got.

Elliott Kalan

[10:08] Hornuts nuts instead of Hornets Nest.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] Yeah.

[10:11] I think a lot of people would get that joke.

[10:14] You're like Hornuts nuts.

[10:15] You're like Hornets nuts.

[10:16] It's a play on words.

[10:17] I like it.

[10:18] Well, when you go through the different phrases involving Hornets that that could be.

[10:21] It looks smart.

[10:22] Let's, uh, let's rent this one from Netflix.

[10:25] Oh, it's on watch instantly.

Elliott Kalan

[10:27] I'll end it's over now.

[10:29] Because it's 20 seconds long.

[10:33] What a great feature.

[10:34] I would have rented this.

Stuart Wellington

[10:36] I would have paid $11 to see this one in the movie theater.

Elliott Kalan

[10:40] Or something with bees in it that it could be.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] Bees nuts.

[10:48] Yeah, that's right.

The Flop House Movie Minute #15 - Hor-nutz!

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