The Flop House Movie Minute #15 - Hor-nutz!

[0:00] And now, the Flophouse Movie Minute.

[0:11] Yeah guys, so I just got back from vacation.

[0:14] It was a cool trip.

[0:15] National Lampoon's vacation?

[0:17] It was kinda. I was in California. I think they went to California in one of those movies, right?

[0:22] I don't remember.

[0:23] The first one, yeah. So we went camping in Yosemite, me and my lady.

[0:28] That's where they make Vegemite.

[0:30] That's where Yosemite Sam was born.

[0:33] Yeah, so I was in Yosemite National Park and we got there a little late and we're looking for a campground.

[0:40] We finally find one.

[0:41] Because it closes.

[0:42] Well, it gets dark, dude. There's bears and shit.

[0:45] So, we're there.

[0:46] That's what the signs say.

[0:47] Absolutely.

[0:48] Yosemite. Bears and shit.

[0:50] Yeah, we finally find a campsite and we don't have any firewood because we didn't bring any with us.

[0:56] And they don't have a guy selling firewood.

[0:58] So, we go wandering around out in the woods.

[1:00] And it's getting late, so we did that first.

[1:02] Because we're like, fuck, we gotta get some firewood.

[1:04] We don't have a hatchet or anything. I'm not a woodsman in that sense.

[1:08] Or a killer stalking in the woods.

[1:10] Or a killer.

[1:11] Did you know you were going to Yosemite or was it like Man vs. Wild and they just dropped you out of a helicopter?

[1:15] Yep, it was like one of the Saw movies where I wake up and he's like, let's play a game.

[1:20] You're in Yosemite. Find some shit and survive.

[1:23] Let's play a game. It's called Oregon Trail.

[1:26] No, don't cock the wagon.

[1:28] There's a key to the bomb inside your skull.

[1:31] Are you willing to get it?

[1:32] Live or die, you choose.

[1:34] Key to the bomb.

[1:39] I'm glad you recognized that because I was like, yeah, that makes sense.

[1:43] A key to stuff a bomb.

[1:45] Of course you will. Will you get into your skull and take that key out?

[1:49] With all that stuff in mind, we're looking for wood.

[1:52] I end up jumping on a tree like I'm kicking this tree that fell over to try and get wood off.

[1:58] And then I'm like, fuck it, this isn't working.

[2:00] And I go and find my girlfriend and she's found this downed tree and she has the bright idea to knock.

[2:08] A downed tree? A tree made of goose dung?

[2:11] Yep, it's a fluffy tree.

[2:12] A really depressed tree.

[2:14] This tree that has fallen over or been cut over, I can't really cut by a chainsaw or something, I can't remember.

[2:19] She has the idea to take this giant rock and smash it into the tree to break off chunks of wood.

[2:24] You literally brought no things with you.

[2:26] No, it was kind of like 10,000 B.C. actually.

[2:28] We're like, oh, stick broken by rock. I don't know.

[2:32] And she picks up this giant stone and she's smashing it into the tree like, hey, I'm going to break off some wood.

[2:38] And, you know, I'm kind of lazy. I'm just watching her do this.

[2:42] And then I start hearing a buzzing sound and I'm like, did something die? Is there a dead body nearby? Are those flies?

[2:47] Because they buzz.

[2:48] Yeah, well, no, the body's not buzzing, it's flies.

[2:51] Somebody had set the body to vibrate and was getting a call.

[2:56] Usually when I call dead bodies, they vibrate.

[3:00] And then I look down and there's a hole in the tree and hornets are pouring out of this tree.

[3:05] And I start shouting, bees, bees!

[3:09] And my girlfriend throws down the rock and goes like running off in the distance, like flailing her arms, like a Benny Hill character sketch thing.

[3:18] And I start flailing my arms because I start getting stung on the face.

[3:21] Yeah, it was rough.

[3:23] And then we kind of stumble through the woods for a while and still being stung and avoiding bees.

[3:30] And then she realized that there's a bee in the hood of her sweatshirt.

[3:33] So while being stung, she makes me hold on to her undershirt so she can pull off her sweatshirt.

[3:39] She's like modest.

[3:41] Was she worried the hornets would see her belly?

[3:44] I don't know what it is. I mean, I don't know.

[3:46] Well, hornets like milk, so they're attracted to human bosoms.

[3:50] Wow, that's your girlfriend he's talking about.

[3:52] I know, what the fuck, dude?

[3:54] So, okay, with Dana, I'm not making comments about my girlfriend's boobs now.

[3:59] I just don't know why she would be lactating.

[4:02] It's not like boobs are just bags of milk.

[4:05] Wait, she's lactating?

[4:08] But she was stung in the womb by a hornet.

[4:12] She's giving birth to a hornet man.

[4:15] Or a hornet man.

[4:17] We'll find out about that later, though.

[4:18] Right now, with the rest of the story, she throws down her sweatshirt on the ground

[4:21] and then goes stomping off, just leaving it on the ground in the woods.

[4:24] I, being a gentleman, pick up the sweatshirt and stomp after her, trying to find my way back to the campsite.

[4:31] About ten minutes later, we're done swatting the bees and shit that are stinging us.

[4:36] And we're like, okay, well that totally sucked.

[4:39] We don't have any firewood and it's dark now.

[4:42] Let's get into the car and at least set up our tent.

[4:44] And I start patting down the sweatshirt that's sitting on the picnic table,

[4:48] because the keys were in there.

[4:50] And surprise, surprise, we've lost the keys somewhere in the woods.

[4:53] So I then had to go stomping out into the woods,

[4:56] being very, very careful not to get stung by more hornets.

[4:59] And eventually, about 20 minutes later, some other guy found the keys and gave them to us.

[5:04] So I swear there's some kind of like a comedy in this story, guys.

[5:09] Like a buddy comedy, maybe.

[5:10] I think it's called Ruffin It.

[5:11] Ruffin It, or Without a Paddle?

[5:13] Yeah, maybe it's Without a Paddle starring Seth Green.

[5:16] And Dax Shepard or whatever that guy's named.

[5:19] I think it's called The Sting, but not that The Sting.

[5:22] Okay.

[5:23] It's called Owl Hornets.

[5:25] I got stung.

[5:26] Exclamation point.

[5:27] It's called Horn Nuts.

[5:29] I got stung in my face and about a foot away from my genitals, so.

[5:35] A foot is a fair amount away from your genitals.

[5:37] You're, what, six feet tall?

[5:39] Oh, give or take.

[5:40] So that's one-sixth of your body size, so a foot's not that.

[5:43] But blood flows down there, right?

[5:45] I mean, I hope so.

[5:47] Your groin?

[5:48] Yeah, sometimes.

[5:49] If you want to get erections, certainly.

[5:52] Have you been having trouble achieving an erection since you were stung?

[5:55] There's a book called Poison Sex that I think you might need to read.

[5:57] Poison Sex?

[5:58] Now, poison sex aside, Dan.

[6:01] I read that book.

[6:02] Now, I also read somewhere in a book that vampires should bite dudes on the crotch because there's more blood down there.

[6:09] What do you guys think?

[6:10] I think.

[6:11] That'd make a good movie.

[6:12] It's a gay vampire movie.

[6:15] I guarantee you there is a gay porn movie that has vampires in it where they bite guys' penises.

[6:19] I saw a porno movie.

[6:21] And it's probably called, like, Count Succula.

[6:23] That's pretty good.

[6:25] That's why the Daily Show pays you the big bucks, isn't it?

[6:28] Yeah.

[6:29] For the Count Dracula blowjob jokes.

[6:31] Yeah.

[6:33] Oh, Count Dracula!

[6:34] I thought we were talking about Count Chocula.

[6:35] Well, it's called, like, it's called—

[6:36] Back in your segment, John Hodgman tells a vampire blowjob joke.

[6:39] It's called Nos Felatio.

[6:42] Man.

[6:43] Man, I need—

[6:44] You can't switch off, can you?

[6:45] I need to write the monster column for Penthouse is what it turns into.

[6:49] But yeah, I think I see a movie in there, definitely.

[6:51] Should I go to, like, company?

[6:53] Just go to Hollywood.

[6:54] Hollywood?

[6:55] Population, fame.

[6:56] Go to Hollywood right now.

[6:57] Write a letter to Fame Street.

[6:59] Write a letter to Seth Rogen.

[7:00] Okay.

[7:01] Because he would play me, right?

[7:03] Yes.

[7:04] Who would be my girlfriend?

[7:05] Sandy Duncan?

[7:06] I got to say, probably not Sandy Duncan.

[7:08] Probably be, like, Mila Kunis or something.

[7:10] Mila Kunis, okay.

[7:11] Sandy Duncan might be a little old at this point.

[7:14] Okay.

[7:15] And who would be the crotchety old camper?

[7:19] Who would play the hornets?

[7:20] We'll get to the hornets in a second.

[7:21] The hornets would be CGI.

[7:22] Except for the scenes where the two hornets are talking to each other,

[7:25] when it'll be, like, the cast of Human Giant or something like that.

[7:29] I think we should do the hornets like Irwin Allen's The Swarm

[7:33] and just throw a bunch of rice in front of the camera.

[7:35] Okay.

[7:37] And who would be the crotchety old camper next to us,

[7:39] shaking his head as we get into hijinks?

[7:42] Well, Lloyd Bridges is dead.

[7:44] Let's see.

[7:45] You could go, like, the Adam Sandler route

[7:48] and have, like, Steve Buscemi play that character.

[7:50] That'd be pretty good, yeah.

[7:52] Or, like, Steve Buscemi's dad.

[7:53] Or, like, Rob Schneider.

[7:55] Yeah.

[7:56] But with an old face.

[7:57] In makeup, yeah.

[7:58] Yeah, and there'd probably be a few more penis jokes.

[8:01] Like, when my girlfriend takes her sweatshirt off,

[8:04] he would make a comment like Dan made, like, about my girlfriend's boobs.

[8:08] There's a lot of milk in there.

[8:10] Like, whoa, let me go get my milk in school.

[8:13] And you go, hey, why oughta?

[8:15] And then you look a little further, and he's pointing at, like,

[8:17] a big carton of milk that someone just left on a stump.

[8:20] There's a lot of that kind of thing.

[8:22] Now it's more like a wet hot American summer movie.

[8:26] I wish it could be, um, I always forget his name is Walter Brennan.

[8:31] Because in To Have and Have Not, he keeps saying,

[8:33] would you have a bit by a dead bee?

[8:35] And that's the way he tests people is how they react to that question.

[8:38] Which is supposed to be like, oh, I get it.

[8:42] But when you watch the movie, you're like,

[8:44] I wouldn't know how to answer that movie,

[8:46] and I consider myself a pretty good person.

[8:48] It would be great.

[8:49] I imagine him running away.

[8:50] Hornets, hornets, hornets are coming.

[8:53] Ah, you're done waking up the hornets again.

[8:57] Those were my pet hornets that lived in that tree.

[9:01] So that's a pretty good movie.

[9:03] A-plus from Entertainment Weekly, I would imagine.

[9:06] Lisa Schwartzbaum would like it.

[9:08] Owen Gleiberman would not like it.

[9:10] Fingers crossed.

[9:11] And Anthony Lane would write a whole bunch of shit that doesn't make sense.

[9:14] And there'd be some, like...

[9:16] About the class implications of the...

[9:18] Some naive style artwork.

[9:19] But boy, it would be so witty.

[9:23] Anne Hathaway should be in it.

[9:25] What, is she one of the hornets?

[9:26] Who is she playing?

[9:27] I don't know.

[9:28] Is she the voice of the car?

[9:30] She is.

[9:31] She's the car totem spirit that speaks to us.

[9:35] You've lost my keys.

[9:37] I give you this quest. Find the keys to me.

[9:40] And Seth Rogen Stewart would nod his head and go running off into the woods.

[9:44] And then there'd be like 20 minutes of him just ad-libbing dialogue about bees.

[9:48] Yep.

[9:49] So, it's a good movie.

[9:51] Well, that ended with a whimper.

[9:54] Yeah, you didn't have to say that.

[9:56] Again, Dan likes to undercut things by pointing them out.

[9:59] Right for the nuts.

[10:03] Right for the nuts, but go away.

[10:04] Horn nuts, that's why he got...

[10:07] Horn nuts nuts, instead of hornet's nest.

[10:10] Yeah, I think a lot of people would get that joke.

[10:13] You're like, horn nuts nuts.

[10:15] It's like hornet's nest. It's a play on words. I like it.

[10:18] Well, when you go through the different phrases involving hornets that that could be.

[10:21] It looks smart. Let's rent this one from Netflix.

[10:25] Oh, it's on watch instantly.

[10:27] I'll end it's over now, because it's 20 seconds long.

[10:32] What a great feature. I would have rented this.

[10:36] I would have paid $11 to see this one in the movie theater.

[10:40] Or something with bees in it that it could be.

[10:43] Bees nuts.

[10:46] Yeah, that's right.

[11:01] Bees nuts.

The Flop House Movie Minute #15 - Hor-nutz!

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