Flop House Klassic - Untraceable

Dan McCoy

[0:00] This is the untraceable episode of the Flophouse.

[0:03] So suck it, FBI!

[0:30] So, guys.

[0:33] Yeah, what's up?

[0:34] That's us.

[0:34] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:35] Elliot, you're back after...

[0:37] Woo!

[0:39] We took a week off, and then you were also...

[0:42] Ow!

[0:43] Thank you, ladies.

[0:44] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] Hey, whoa.

[0:45] Our audience folks.

Dan McCoy

[0:46] Let's keep going.

[0:47] We also had a replacement host for a week.

[0:50] You seem fine.

[0:51] So...

[0:51] No Elliot Kayden, but you know, that's...

Elliott Kalan

[0:53] I'm just saying, I'm one of a kind.

[0:55] Jeez.

Dan McCoy

[0:56] So, any big life changes since we last saw you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] Well, I was hoping to get my own TV show off of my brief cameo on the recent Daily Show episode.

[1:05] It was going to be called Correction with Elliot Kayden.

[1:08] I would walk out, correct people in their everyday ordinary life when they made common mistakes.

[1:12] Such as, if someone was like, man, that guy's a real Frankenstein, I would walk out and say,

[1:17] is he a mad scientist?

[1:18] Because if not, you mean Frankenstein's monster.

[1:20] That sounds like a really irritating show.

[1:22] Well, that's what the people at the network said, so that didn't happen.

[1:26] So, otherwise, no, not very much has been going on.

[1:28] All right.

Dan McCoy

[1:29] Well, but now we're all back together.

[1:32] The original Peaches.

[1:34] What?

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] It's from the American classic, A League of Their Own.

Dan McCoy

[1:38] Oh, yeah, right.

[1:39] Yeah, this used to be my playground.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41] Tom Hanks was in that movie.

[1:43] You know, Tom Hanks' son was in another movie.

[1:46] What movie is that?

[1:47] Orange County.

[1:48] Oh, misdirect.

[1:50] Zing.

Dan McCoy

[1:51] But he was also in a film we watched tonight, which was Untraceable.

[1:54] And I have to say, we were really looking forward to watching Untraceable.

[1:58] Yeah.

[1:59] For some strange, inexplicable reason that I can't remember.

[2:02] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] I was really let down.

[2:04] I've always liked movies that start with un and end in a bull.

Dan McCoy

[2:07] Yeah, dude.

[2:08] You're basing this on Diane Lane's other film.

[2:11] Unfaithable.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Well, Unfaithable, Unbreakable, the aborted Rob Schneider Project, Unrapeable, all sorts

[2:17] of things.

[2:18] Whoa.

[2:18] That's a long story.

[2:19] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[2:20] You know, I watched Unfaithable once.

[2:23] Yeah?

[2:24] Oliver Martinez was hot.

Dan McCoy

[2:26] That's not where I saw you going with that sentence.

Stuart Wellington

[2:29] Yeah.

[2:29] So, I think the real problem with this movie was we preceded it by crowding around your

[2:36] computer and going to IMDb and watching the trailer for the movie Twin Sitters starring

[2:42] the Barbarian Brothers.

Dan McCoy

[2:45] And we got so...

[2:46] Certainly nothing could live up to that.

[2:47] Yeah, we got all...

Stuart Wellington

[2:48] It's certainly not Untraceable.

[2:49] We got all worked up.

Dan McCoy

[2:51] Yeah.

[2:51] So, I guess what we're saying is maybe you guys should watch that movie.

[2:55] I mean, we haven't even seen it, but just based on the trailer.

Stuart Wellington

[2:57] Or at least just watch the trailer like five times.

[2:59] Just watch it.

[2:59] It's a great trailer.

Dan McCoy

[3:00] Yeah, it's really good.

[3:01] But Untraceable was about an internet killer.

[3:04] And I think that that's probably what excited us about it.

[3:07] It's always been a Flophouse favorite theme to watch films that vilify the web.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] Or that just used technology incorrectly right off the bat.

[3:19] Or that slang jargon left and right.

[3:22] Oh, sure.

[3:22] To no discernible purpose.

Dan McCoy

[3:23] Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

[3:24] I don't know whether this movie was accurate or not because I couldn't understand any of

[3:29] the technical explanations they gave us.

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] Everything was vids and packets.

[3:33] And data finders.

[3:34] Mirror sites and bots.

[3:36] And webersodes.

[3:38] And underage Russian teens.

[3:40] Webersodes.

[3:41] Yeah, it was all, oh no, he's mirroring his site with a Russian IP address.

[3:46] Firewall!

[3:46] You know, and so forth.

[3:48] You know, playing pandas.

[3:49] Well, and here's my problem with it.

[3:51] We haven't gotten into the plot of Untraceable.

[3:53] In case anyone in the audience hasn't seen it.

[3:55] Untraceable is about a man who has a website called Come Kill With Me.

[3:58] No, it's just called Kill With Me, I guess.

[3:59] Yeah, Kill With Me.

[4:00] Killwithme.com.

[4:01] That URL wasn't taken.

[4:02] Come Kill With Me.

[4:03] It's Tony Bennett's album.

[4:05] Inspired by the Friday the 13th films.

[4:09] So he has a website called Kill With Me where he tortures people to death.

[4:13] And the more people who watch, the faster the person dies.

[4:17] Because either more poison is injected or more heat lamps come on.

[4:22] But the thing that struck me is crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[4:23] It sounds like he's almost making his viewers into accomplices, Elliot.

[4:28] Yes.

[4:28] That's terrifying.

Dan McCoy

[4:29] And that point is made many times.

[4:30] Just like we were made into accomplices for this film, Untraceable, by me spending $3 to rent it.

[4:37] So you're like an accomplice to this Krabby movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:40] Yeah.

[4:40] But not me.

[4:41] I didn't paint nothing.

[4:42] But here's my most problem with the film.

[4:44] My experience with the internet is that people, maybe in like the late 90s, they were sending

[4:49] around like crazy videos of a guy blowing his head off.

[4:52] Oh my God.

[4:53] But now all the videos I get sent are of pandas or like a pet hippopotamus or like a cat playing

[4:59] a piano.

[5:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:00] Check out this awesome Flight of the Concords clip.

[5:02] Oh my God.

[5:03] Awesome.

[5:03] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] But it's like the big hit at the office a while ago was the screensaver where it looks like

[5:07] a dog is licking your screen from the inside and it's really adorable.

[5:11] Like no one's really interested in blood and guts.

[5:14] It's always like pandas.

Dan McCoy

[5:15] So you're saying that come be adorable with me.

Elliott Kalan

[5:18] I think cutewithme.com would be very successful.

Dan McCoy

[5:20] For every 10 people who watch, I'm going to add another kitten to this box.

Elliott Kalan

[5:24] It would be awesome.

[5:26] Or like, oh, come the ducklings.

Dan McCoy

[5:29] I've said too much.

[5:31] Listen, we could be making a lot of money.

[5:33] Let's put a little costume on this duckling.

Elliott Kalan

[5:36] Oh no.

[5:36] But certainly killwithme.com would not be getting the viewership numbers that he is reporting

[5:41] on his site readout, which at one point go into the 14 millions.

Stuart Wellington

[5:45] Yeah.

[5:46] That's a lot of people, dude.

[5:48] Yeah.

[5:48] I would think that just time zones would get away of that.

[5:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:51] Time zones, all sorts of things.

Stuart Wellington

[5:53] Bad connections.

[5:55] Yeah.

[5:55] Slow hookup speeds.

Dan McCoy

[5:58] That's what's going on.

[5:58] I don't want to like compel you.

[5:59] I don't get the jargon.

[6:00] I don't want to compel you to name drop, but because I'm not in television, you are.

[6:04] Like, you've got a better idea of like what an average show might get.

[6:08] Let me tell you this.

[6:09] What like viewership.

Elliott Kalan

[6:10] If 14 million viewers, or even 7 million viewers, as the site seems to normally get, is a fantastic

[6:15] rating.

[6:17] Like, that's really good.

[6:18] A cable show can get by on less than a million viewers much of the time.

[6:22] Like, Cartoon Network, I'm sure listeners to this are big fans of Adult Swim and all that

[6:26] stuff, but their shows don't make, let's say, 2 to 3 million viewers, most likely.

[6:32] Maybe Family Guy.

[6:33] But like 14 million or 7 million viewers, like that's crazy.

[6:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:37] That's like Seinfeld numbers.

[6:38] By the end of the film, I believe they top out on 30 million.

Elliott Kalan

[6:42] Really?

[6:42] I don't even remember that.

[6:43] See, to put that in perspective, that's 10% of the United States of America.

[6:47] That's as if you were walking down the street with apartment buildings on either side, and

[6:52] one out of every 10 apartments, someone's watching killwithme.com.

[6:56] It's very short.

Stuart Wellington

[6:56] It's not just like people, it's like there's like-

[6:59] People with computers.

[7:00] That many computers.

[7:01] Yeah.

[7:02] There could be like 10 people clustered around a computer.

[7:04] Yeah, as in this movie much of the time.

Dan McCoy

[7:06] That was just like lazy screenwriting on behalf of the screenwriter, too.

[7:09] They're like, he's like, I don't want to look up like how many people exist in the

[7:14] world and like how accurate it would be.

[7:16] I wonder if they hired-

[7:17] What's a big number?

[7:18] Like, I bet it.

[7:19] I totally bet if like someone was getting killed online, 30 million people would watch that.

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] Or I wonder if it was a more realistic number.

[7:26] Originally, it was like 500,000.

[7:28] And then in the punch-up sessions, they were like, we got to punch up these numbers, man.

[7:32] They're not impressive enough.

[7:34] All right, what about a million?

[7:35] All right, that's good.

[7:36] Third draft.

[7:37] We got to punch up these numbers, man.

[7:38] How about two million?

[7:39] That's good for now, but we'll see.

[7:41] You know, fourth draft.

Dan McCoy

[7:42] Oh, let's make it 20 million.

[7:44] Yeah, sounds good.

[7:44] Whatever, man.

[7:45] Let's keep going.

[7:45] The first guy to get killed, by the way, let's go through the ways.

[7:50] Yeah, cover the ways.

Stuart Wellington

[7:51] The first guy was a kitten.

Dan McCoy

[7:53] Well, the first guy was a kitten, which I refused to watch.

[7:55] No, well, you missed nothing.

[7:56] I'll watch people getting tortured.

Elliott Kalan

[7:58] I couldn't tell what the torture was supposed to be.

[7:59] It was like we were teased.

[8:01] We kept being shown like this kitten being put on the floor, and then it was like, oh, no.

[8:06] It looked like he got really sleepy.

[8:07] He's torturing a kitten.

[8:08] Yeah, and it didn't seem to, nothing happened to him.

[8:10] He's not playing with the kitten enough.

[8:12] It's a sleepy kitten.

[8:12] That sounds adorable.

[8:13] See, sleepykitten.com would make a lot of money, or get a lot of viewers.

[8:17] There's no way to make money on the internet.

[8:19] But that's the thing.

[8:20] It's like, it's not that I want to see anything happen to a kitten.

[8:24] That's the last thing I want to see.

[8:25] Sure.

[8:25] But you can't just show me a kitten lying on the floor and have me expect to be horrified.

[8:30] The way that Diane Lane is, and that she's obsessed with this site almost instantly.

Dan McCoy

[8:34] Yeah.

[8:35] But this guy, as serial killers do, he starts out torturing kitties, and then moves to humans.

[8:41] And bedwetting.

[8:41] He moves out.

[8:42] Human peeing.

[8:43] And the first human.

Elliott Kalan

[8:44] His first website was peeingmybed.com.

[8:47] That didn't do as well.

Dan McCoy

[8:49] The first guy that he kills, he kills by, he engraves, kill with me, I don't know what

[8:54] he says.

[8:55] He adds the .com.

[8:56] He might just be, kill with me.

[8:57] I think that's implied.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] Here's why this is a flawed advertising thing.

[9:00] Carving the name of your site in your victim's chest, the customer already has to be at your

[9:04] site in order to see the ad.

Stuart Wellington

[9:05] Yeah, it's like that Domino's ad where if you, it's the get the door, it's Domino's.

[9:10] If I'm hearing this ad and Domino's at the door, I've already ordered a Domino's pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[9:14] Yeah, they're not randomly giving you a pizza.

Stuart Wellington

[9:17] That'd be weird.

[9:18] I'd be scared if some random Domino's guy came to my door.

[9:21] But it's like if we...

Dan McCoy

[9:22] That's a really conceptual criticism.

[9:24] You're like, as if you're seeing this commercial that says get the door to Domino's and you're

[9:29] at the door, but I'm like, what the fuck?

[9:31] I did what you told me, TV.

[9:32] Where's my pizza?

Stuart Wellington

[9:34] Like, there's this guy outside.

[9:36] Oh my god, he's a killer.

[9:37] Oh my god, it's the guy from bigsausagepizza.com.

Dan McCoy

[9:41] In a terrible coincidence, there was a killer outside the door.

[9:45] What I don't get about bigsausagepizza.com is none of the women ever seem to be surprised

Elliott Kalan

[9:51] that a pizza...

[9:52] They never seem to be like, no, I don't want this pizza.

[9:55] They're always into it.

[9:55] I don't get it.

[9:56] And the weird thing is that...

[9:57] What are the odds that they always find willing women?

Stuart Wellington

[9:59] What do they do with the little circle of pizza from the middle that they cut out?

[10:03] I assume they donate that to the homeless.

[10:05] I like to think they sneak it under the...

Dan McCoy

[10:06] I'm not familiar with the site, but I've just gotten an idea of what it is.

Stuart Wellington

[10:09] I like to think they sneak it under the couch, or...

[10:12] What's weird, it's...

Dan McCoy

[10:12] I can only plead to them that now that we've given them free advertising, that they link

[10:18] to us, because I think that they're probably more popular...

[10:20] Possibly.

[10:21] ...than a movie.

[10:21] Also, you have to carry the pizza perpendicular to the floor.

[10:25] Oh, you think they go there the whole time.

[10:26] At groin level, too.

Elliott Kalan

[10:27] At groin level, yeah.

[10:29] But the pizza, anyone who is...

[10:31] No delivery person holds a pizza like that.

[10:33] The pizza would slide right to the box.

Stuart Wellington

[10:34] I always thought that they'd wait until they...

[10:36] Until they determine that the woman who can't pay for the pizza, obviously, because she has

[10:41] no money, that they just wait until she's not an uggo, and they're like, oh, okay, time

[10:45] to get out my circular pizza cutter, okay?

[10:47] I remember that...

[10:48] Slept my flask of pizza into the hot steaming cheese pizza thing.

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] I remember that comic strip Nancy and uggo.

[10:55] Well, this...

[10:56] I was talking to somebody the other day about the penis in the bucket of popcorn prank.

[11:00] Oh, sure.

[11:01] Which has a similar failing, which is you either cut the hole where there's popcorn in it.

[11:05] Popcorn starts spilling out, and you've got to jam your penis in.

[11:08] Or you go up to the snack counter with a bucket with your penis sticking through it, and you

[11:13] say, quick, pour some hot popcorn in this on my erect penis.

[11:17] I've got to hurry over before I get flaccid from the heat of this popcorn around it, you

[11:22] know, so I can pull this prank on the girl in it.

Dan McCoy

[11:23] I think what you're not realizing is that, like, that's really the fetish.

[11:27] Like, people are really into exposing themselves to concessions people.

[11:32] Salt.

[11:32] And demanding that they pour popcorn on their dick.

Stuart Wellington

[11:34] Salt, possibly hot, butter, liquid.

[11:37] Possibly...

[11:37] They now have, like...

[11:38] They have, like, barbecue powder now you can get on your dick.

Dan McCoy

[11:40] It's not going to feel good.

[11:42] It's sort of like gold bomb medicated powder.

[11:44] It's got a little tingle.

Stuart Wellington

[11:45] So wait, are you saying they don't get such, like, an immediate, like, strong erection

[11:50] that it busts through the bottom of the popcorn?

[11:52] I don't think it's...

[11:53] Like an eruption?

[11:54] And, like, the popcorn kind of shoots out a little bit like a gremlin was in it?

Elliott Kalan

[12:00] It's always assumed that there's some premeditation about this.

[12:03] It's not like it's a...

[12:04] It's not like when the girl sticks her hand and feels his penis, it's a surprise to both

[12:08] of them, you know?

[12:10] But also you need to be holding...

[12:11] My face is red.

[12:12] Who holds popcorn literally right on their crotch in such a way that it's sticking outwards?

Dan McCoy

[12:19] So in case you're wondering how busy I am at work, yes, we did discuss the mechanics of this.

[12:23] By the way, I was first made aware of this technique.

[12:28] Older brother?

[12:29] By...

[12:29] No, the video cover to...

[12:31] I believe the video is called Feeling Up.

[12:35] And it was like a...

[12:37] It looked to be like an 80s or 90s TNA comedy.

[12:40] And it was like a nerdy looking guy in your average 80s nerd glasses.

[12:46] Sure.

[12:47] Looking really happy when...

[12:48] Like a blonde woman reaching into the...

[12:51] And I'm like, oh, I see what's going on.

Stuart Wellington

[12:54] I mean, he's already got her out on a date.

[12:56] What's he so...

[12:57] Like, what's he doing?

[12:58] He's on the hard part right there.

[13:00] Yeah.

[13:01] Because he likes popcorn.

[13:03] He's not...

[13:03] That's like...

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] What you didn't...

[13:04] What you couldn't see because it was just the box cover and he didn't watch the movie

[13:06] is he's actually just enjoying that movie a lot.

[13:09] He's feeling up.

[13:09] He doesn't even know what's going on below the waist.

Dan McCoy

[13:11] It's a movie about being optimistic.

Elliott Kalan

[13:13] Feeling up.

[13:14] Yeah.

[13:14] But it's...

[13:15] Oh, that's such a good title because it's got three...

[13:17] It's got three meanings.

[13:18] Yeah.

[13:18] He's feeling happy.

[13:19] Feeling up.

[13:20] Uh-oh.

[13:21] My penis is rising.

[13:22] Feeling up.

[13:23] It's probably going to feel up that girl.

[13:24] Yeah.

[13:25] That's a brilliant title.

Dan McCoy

[13:26] That's like a Shakespearean pun.

Elliott Kalan

[13:27] Yeah.

[13:28] There's three meanings.

[13:29] Tom Stoppard would be shitting his pants if he could come up with that.

[13:32] He'd be so excited.

Stuart Wellington

[13:33] Like, get somebody on the horn.

[13:36] Get Baz Luhrmann on the horn.

[13:38] I want to call...

[13:39] I want him to make this movie.

Dan McCoy

[13:41] Oh, man.

[13:42] I could talk about this all night.

Elliott Kalan

[13:43] I could talk about anything but untraceable.

Stuart Wellington

[13:45] So untraceable.

[13:46] The thing was, it was really boring.

Dan McCoy

[13:48] I wanted to say, though, like, this guy gets killed with me, carved on his chest, and then

[13:53] like the way that he's being killed is the more hits, the side gets more anticoagulant

[14:00] goes into him.

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:01] So he's bleeding out.

[14:02] And I made the point that...

[14:04] A nightmare.

[14:04] Before there were a bunch of hits, like, wouldn't his blood actually clot early on in the process?

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] You have to imagine that business would start slow.

Dan McCoy

[14:13] Yeah, and you have to imagine that then, like, once it did clot, the guy has to go in and

[14:17] like re-carve in, come kill with me, or at least clean off the scabs.

[14:21] Yeah.

[14:22] It seems like a weird way of...

Stuart Wellington

[14:23] I mean, I don't know about you guys, but when I get, like, hits in my web box, my online

[14:27] web mailbox, I usually get, like, I get these hits from, like, I don't know, like, penis

[14:33] enlargement, podcasts about bad movies, things like that.

[14:36] And, like, most of the time I ignore them, but I guess eventually everybody went right

[14:41] to this site because it sounded awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[14:42] That's the thing is, whenever there's a new killing, people rush to the site.

[14:46] And the numbers are racing up.

[14:48] But it means that either he's sending out email notifications that there's a new killing

[14:51] on the site, or people are just lurking around kill with me, waiting for something to happen.

[14:56] Yeah, they must have...

[14:57] In the millions.

Stuart Wellington

[14:57] They saved it, and then they opened up a new tab on their web browser.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] They just sat and monitored that.

Dan McCoy

[15:03] Yeah, of course.

[15:04] You're saying that there's got to be, like, an email blast?

[15:07] Is that what you're saying?

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] Well, you used that term earlier.

[15:10] When we were watching it, I've actually never heard that before.

[15:12] An e-blast?

Dan McCoy

[15:13] Yeah.

[15:13] Or an e-worm?

[15:14] It's like finger blasting.

[15:16] Nice.

[15:17] No, it's like, what's that?

[15:18] This is a filthy episode of the Flophouse.

[15:19] No, it just seems that, yeah, the only way that people would know is if you sent out a mass

[15:25] email to, like, a mass email to, like, his listserv and be like, hey, guys, I got a new victim.

[15:29] You might want to come check it out.

[15:31] I'm throwing this guy in a tank of piranhas.

[15:34] I had a new piranha every time someone clicks on it.

Stuart Wellington

[15:37] Let's find out the answer to this equation.

[15:39] 30 million piranhas plus one news reporter equals question mark?

[15:44] You'll find out.

[15:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:47] The French would say an angel just passed over us.

[15:50] That's what that silence was.

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] Okay.

[15:52] That's nice, Elliot.

[15:55] Good night, everybody.

[15:56] So they killed a guy with anticoagulant.

[15:59] They killed a guy with acid.

[16:00] With battery acid.

[16:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:01] A guy with heat lamps.

[16:02] And those lamps must have been, I don't know how hot, because he looked like he had been

[16:08] on site when Hiroshima was hit.

[16:11] Yeah, sure.

[16:11] His body was charred, and he was, like, it looked like the scene in X-Men where the senator

[16:19] crawls out of the ocean after being hit with Magneto's mutant-making machine, and he's

[16:23] just turning into a blob of kind of human water.

Dan McCoy

[16:26] He also glowed like, like I said, he was like the lava guy from Altered States.

[16:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:31] I kind of wanted him to have magma powers all of a sudden.

[16:33] That would have been awesome.

[16:34] And use those to take down the serial killer.

[16:36] Magman?

[16:38] Magman?

[16:38] What a terrible name.

[16:40] He's a magman.

[16:41] He has the powers of mag.

[16:43] Sure.

[16:44] They could mean anything.

[16:45] Magazines?

[16:45] Magwheels?

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] I don't want to tell you.

[16:48] I think it's magma, though.

Dan McCoy

[16:50] So, um...

[16:51] Magman.

[16:52] I couldn't really follow how they actually tracked the guy down eventually.

[16:55] Oh, they used the internet.

[16:56] Oh, okay.

[16:57] So it is good for something.

[16:59] Hoisted by his own batar.

[17:00] You wouldn't know that watching this movie because it had this weird reactionary quality

[17:04] to it.

[17:04] Like, Diane Lane makes some sort of offhand anti-net neutrality comment.

Elliott Kalan

[17:09] There were a lot of comments against movie and song piracy, against net neutrality, against

[17:16] video sharing.

[17:16] There's that weird bit where...

Stuart Wellington

[17:17] There's that one weird bit where she was setting her daughter up to play with, like, a weird,

[17:22] like, internet horse game because little girls like horses.

[17:25] They do.

[17:25] And, like, she made sure that she had, like, a nice plate of apple slices to eat.

[17:30] Like, what kind of nerd eats apple slices for a snack?

Dan McCoy

[17:33] She was eight years old.

[17:34] Well, come on.

[17:36] It turned out there was a backdoor Trojan in it.

[17:39] That innocent horse program was actually a backdoor Trojan.

[17:42] It sounds really dirty.

[17:43] It was...

[17:43] I couldn't follow it because I was thinking about how I'd like to give Diane Lane a backdoor

[17:48] Trojan.

[17:49] Oh!

[17:50] That was a terrible, terrible thing to say.

[17:53] It was pretty terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[17:54] Oh, my God.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] But it took, like, an anti-freeware stance.

Stuart Wellington

[18:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:01] Don't download these games.

Dan McCoy

[18:02] But, like...

[18:03] You shouldn't be playing Snood.

[18:05] Is the message that if, like, Comcast is controlling which websites get through that we won't have

[18:11] killing websites?

Elliott Kalan

[18:13] That's the other...

[18:13] It seemed to be very much in government oversight of the internet in every way.

[18:17] It was also very heavily pro-eavesdropping, pro-entering buildings without a warrant, pro-wiretapping.

Dan McCoy

[18:24] Pro-entrapment of people by chatting with them online.

Elliott Kalan

[18:27] That's the thing.

[18:28] We didn't mention Diane Lane plays an FBI investigator who works in, it seems, the internet entrapment

[18:33] department.

[18:34] It's three people, one of whom is deaf, who sit around and look at computers all day and

[18:38] basically entrap people.

[18:40] They look at gross videos and they're like, oh, get a load of this shit.

[18:43] You're arrested, buddy.

Dan McCoy

[18:45] Yeah.

[18:45] And that's, you know...

[18:46] And it doesn't seem like they're going about it in sort of a scattershot way, too.

[18:49] It's like, oh, here's a pop-up.

[18:52] I'll click on that.

[18:53] That looks like it might be...

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] No, it's nothing.

[18:56] That's how she discovers...

[18:57] What is it?

[18:57] Song Thief or something like that?

Stuart Wellington

[18:59] Oh, that's like that Napster thing.

[19:02] Yeah.

[19:03] Remember that, guys?

[19:05] Remember that?

Elliott Kalan

[19:06] As if you didn't live through Napster being around.

[19:08] I heard about that.

[19:09] That's like the Napster thing that my grandpa told me about.

[19:11] From the early 2000s?

[19:13] It's like the Napster thing from seven years ago.

Dan McCoy

[19:16] Yeah.

[19:17] I guess it was eight years ago.

[19:18] So Colin Hanks was one of those guys, though.

[19:20] Yeah.

[19:20] He played the character of Griffin.

[19:22] Yeah.

[19:22] Griffin Dowd.

Elliott Kalan

[19:24] Was his last name Dowd?

[19:25] Yeah.

[19:25] I didn't remember that part.

[19:27] Griffin Dowd is a big internet dater.

[19:28] He's always dating girls on the internet.

[19:30] And in his day job, he dates...

[19:31] That's what I always said about him.

[19:34] In his day job, he pretends to be an underage girl and then traps older men.

Stuart Wellington

[19:40] Wait a minute.

[19:41] This just in, guys.

[19:42] His character dies in this movie from too much acid.

[19:45] Yeah.

[19:46] Spoiler alert.

[19:47] That made me sad.

Elliott Kalan

[19:48] This just in, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[19:49] You got a breaking news from the movie we just watched.

[19:52] Breaking news.

[19:53] He gets trapped by the killer who uses a really good voice modulation device to make his masculine

[19:58] voice sound exactly like a girl's voice.

[20:01] A girl he's never met.

[20:02] Who the character has actually met before.

[20:05] That's the crazy thing is that the voice not only is a girl's voice, but it's a girl that

[20:10] the character knows.

Dan McCoy

[20:11] That's the sort of thing you can do when you're really good at technology, those two are.

Stuart Wellington

[20:15] I'm not very good at technology, clearly.

Elliott Kalan

[20:18] And who was the killer in the end?

[20:19] Should we give it away?

Stuart Wellington

[20:20] Well, it doesn't matter.

[20:23] Was it the bald Asian cop?

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] No.

[20:27] He was the star of the film as far as we're concerned.

[20:29] The bald Asian cop.

[20:30] We were quite taken with the bald Asian cop.

[20:32] A man with a mustache, Asian, bald, kind of heavyset, appeared in the backgrounds of different

[20:36] scenes.

[20:37] Yeah.

[20:38] And he had more charisma than everyone else in the movie put together.

Dan McCoy

[20:41] But yeah, the person who was the killer was mad at the internet, basically.

[20:47] Sure.

[20:48] And so he used it as his tool to destroy others.

[20:52] Which answers the question.

[20:53] There's a hilarious line at one point where they're doing an FBI briefing and one guy goes,

[20:58] why is he using the internet to kill?

[21:01] And that's answered because apparently some YouTube video of his dad killing himself became

[21:10] a big hit.

[21:12] And people were watching it all over the place.

[21:14] I don't think you can watch that on YouTube.

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] No?

[21:17] No.

[21:17] Well, I mean, it was a YouTube-ish video.

[21:20] At this point, YouTube is no longer a brand name.

[21:21] It's a...

[21:22] Oh, okay.

[21:23] It's like Kleenex or Frisbee or, you know.

Dan McCoy

[21:25] Yeah, so he was infuriated by...

[21:28] Xerox or Flophouse.

[21:29] Like, it just comes to typify a certain type of thing.

[21:31] Yeah.

[21:32] Our gawking society.

[21:34] Yeah.

[21:35] That's what he hated.

[21:36] Our rubbernecker.

[21:38] Our rubberneck and internet and gang.

[21:40] Yeah.

[21:41] Yeah, it was really...

[21:42] That's a good country song.

[21:43] Yeah.

[21:44] Our rubberneck and internet and gang.

Stuart Wellington

[21:45] And then the climax was really boring because it was just her hanging over a rototiller and

[21:50] then she falls down and shoots the guy.

Dan McCoy

[21:53] Well, she got trapped by...

[21:55] How ironic.

[21:56] ...her car being taken over by the web.

[22:00] I guess he hacked in through the GPS.

[22:02] You can do that with hacking, right?

[22:04] Through the OnStar system.

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] Well, I think that you can actually do that.

[22:07] Which I guess means that you could hack into the Batmobile since, as we learned, he has

[22:11] OnStar on there.

[22:12] Yeah.

[22:12] In the film Batman and Robin.

Dan McCoy

[22:14] I don't think that's canonical, Batman and Robin.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] I want to believe that Untraceable is part of the same Canada films as Batman and

[22:20] Robin.

Dan McCoy

[22:21] But the thing is, I'm willing to take the movie's word for it that an evil hacking serial killer

[22:28] can hack into the OnStar.

[22:30] I don't believe that then that means he can lock the doors on the car.

[22:35] Because I think that's a simple electrical circuit.

Stuart Wellington

[22:37] I don't think the car's computer has anything to do with that.

[22:40] Like locking the doors now, Diane Lane's character.

[22:43] I can't do that, Diane Lane.

[22:46] That's right.

[22:47] The computer knows that she's an actress playing this part.

[22:50] Yeah.

[22:51] And it was really difficult in the filming of the movie because it never referred to her

[22:56] as her character's name.

[22:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:56] Well, you can't explain to robots the concept of acting.

[22:59] Yeah, sure.

[23:00] So once they got a robot car.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] I don't understand, Diane.

[23:03] Why is he calling you a different name?

[23:05] Yep.

[23:05] Robots.

[23:06] Genetic imprint.

[23:07] Reads.

[23:08] Diane Lane.

[23:09] But one of the disappointments I had with the film was that the killer did turn out to

[23:13] be kind of a random character.

[23:15] As it would in real life.

[23:17] As it would in real life and not like a side character who was, you know, one of the, I

[23:21] was expecting bald Asian cop to be a possible suspect.

[23:25] I was expecting Griffin to maybe have done it.

[23:27] You know, all these sorts of things.

Dan McCoy

[23:28] You were hoping that it was like a sort of a jagged edge sort of thriller where.

Elliott Kalan

[23:32] Well, yeah.

[23:33] You know what?

[23:33] I mean, let's just say.

[23:34] Kiss the girls.

[23:35] There's a reason Stan Lee was right in his argument with Steve Ditko about who the Green

[23:39] Goblin should be.

[23:40] You know, if you introduce a totally new character, it just doesn't mean as much.

[23:44] Yeah.

[23:45] Although Kiss the Girls was one of the worst revelations of who the villain was.

[23:48] It was Carrie Elwes the whole time, dude.

[23:50] But why?

[23:51] Go back in time.

Dan McCoy

[23:51] Because he's a corporate sponsored serial killer.

[23:54] That's why.

[23:55] As in.

[23:57] I think I'm mixing up two movies.

Stuart Wellington

[23:59] You got to think backwards and imagine all the scenes that Carrie Elwes was in where he

[24:03] said really cryptic stuff.

[24:05] Like, I'm not killing these girls.

Elliott Kalan

[24:07] I wonder who's murdering these girls.

[24:10] Wink!

[24:10] Now I know why you were winking at me, Carrie.

[24:13] Yeah.

[24:14] It was just disappointing because it was like you could see these.

[24:17] Everyone was ominously introduced.

[24:20] And the whole thing takes place in Portland, Oregon, which was apparently the most ominous

[24:23] place in the world.

[24:24] Rainy.

[24:25] Never stops raining.

[24:26] Always gray.

[24:27] Nothing but overhead shots of bridges and things.

[24:30] But everyone's kind of ominous and quiet.

[24:32] So you're like, I wonder who it is.

[24:33] Is it him?

[24:34] Is it him?

[24:34] And then this guy is introduced who has evil eye.

[24:37] And you know immediately that it's him.

[24:38] And we've never seen him before.

[24:40] And he kills a guy by hitting him with heat lamps.

[24:43] The only thing we ever learned about him before his motive is that he likes Korean things.

[24:47] No, that was just the house he was staying in, dude.

[24:49] Oh yeah, that's true.

[24:49] That's just the house he had stolen to bring that guy.

Stuart Wellington

[24:52] So that was...

[24:53] Untraceable.

[24:54] Yeah, that was really scary.

Elliott Kalan

[24:56] But this is a movie that...

[24:58] To give you an idea of what watching this movie is like, right about a little bit before

[25:02] the climax, the CD...

[25:05] Or the DVD.

[25:06] Sorry, I thought we were using a Phillips CD-i.

[25:08] The DVD paused because it was...

[25:11] I guess it scratched or something.

[25:12] Yeah, it scratched.

[25:13] It started skipping.

Stuart Wellington

[25:14] Well, that was the part of the movie that got worn out, right?

[25:16] Yeah, because people wanted to watch it.

[25:17] People kept rewanting and were like, what happened?

Elliott Kalan

[25:20] But it stopped and...

[25:22] That was the part with the backdoor trojan.

[25:23] And Dan sat on the couch and said, oh, I don't care enough about this movie to fix this.

[25:29] So we sat there for a little bit just hoping it would restart itself because we couldn't

[25:33] muster the enthusiasm for any of us to get up and press the play button and try to see

[25:38] how to get past this one.

Stuart Wellington

[25:39] Yeah, and not take it out and clean it at all.

[25:42] You didn't do the technique that you used to do with Nintendo cartridges where you like

[25:45] blow on it and then stuff another cartridge on top?

[25:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:49] You didn't do any of that?

[25:51] I did try and stuff a Nintendo cartridge on top of the CD, but I think I broke my DVD player.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] This was also the most...

[25:59] We couldn't get the enthusiasm and this was also the most suspenseful part of the movie

[26:04] was, uh-oh, is this disc broken?

[26:08] Are we even going to be able to finish this film?

[26:10] Are we going to have to review something else entirely?

[26:13] Are we just going to talk about the Twin Sitters trailer?

[26:16] Or Deanna Jones?

Dan McCoy

[26:17] There were three points in the movie that because of a bad DVD, I skipped ahead and then reversed

[26:23] to like, I don't know, 40 seconds after where we stopped.

[26:26] So that lost 120 seconds might change my opinion on this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] Yeah.

[26:33] Unredeemable?

[26:34] Unredeemable?

[26:34] Question mark?

[26:35] Yeah.

[26:36] Unredeemable.

[26:37] Oh, unredeemable.

[26:38] Is the movie I would make about this movie.

[26:40] Unredeemable.

Dan McCoy

[26:40] Oh, just like a trace.

[26:42] Let's just stop talking about it.

[26:44] I mean, I think I know where we're all going to go, but...

[26:48] I'm going to go home soon because it's late.

[26:50] Is this a movie that was a good bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie that you sort of

[26:57] liked in some way?

[26:59] Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[26:59] This was a bad, bad movie for me.

[27:01] I've been on a pretty good roll with Fluff House movies lately, I feel like.

[27:04] Brats, Dragon Wars, movies that I surprisingly found something to like in, but this one was

[27:09] no good.

Stuart Wellington

[27:11] Yeah, this was really rough right on the heels of AVPR, which was really bad.

[27:18] This was a terrible movie, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:21] I agree.

[27:22] I mean, I like bad internet thrillers.

[27:26] I think Diane Lane's really cute.

[27:29] Sure.

[27:31] Colin Hanks, what's not to like?

[27:33] He's adorable.

[27:34] He's a likable actor.

[27:35] I was sad to see him burn from acid.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] Well, you kept talking about how sad you were thinking about Tom Hanks being sad over

[27:42] the death of his son.

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:44] I mean, you forgot the difference between an actor and a character at that point, too.

[27:47] Well, imagine Tom Hanks getting a telegram.

[27:48] Like the car.

Dan McCoy

[27:50] I'm sorry, your son has been burned.

Elliott Kalan

[27:51] Now, why would he learn by telegram?

[27:53] His son didn't die overseas.

Dan McCoy

[27:55] I just imagine that everyone whose sons die, they get a telegram about it.

[27:59] Yep.

[27:59] Someone.

Stuart Wellington

[27:59] Somebody from the war department shows that.

Dan McCoy

[28:02] Well, maybe he was an FBI agent.

Stuart Wellington

[28:04] Sure.

[28:05] It's not even close.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] Not even close.

[28:07] He used telegrams.

[28:09] But ultimately, there was just...

[28:10] Teddygrams?

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] I'm sorry.

[28:14] All the World War II wives whose husbands were dreaded those teddygrams.

Dan McCoy

[28:21] We're sorry about your son.

[28:23] Here's some teddygrams.

[28:24] Maybe that'll cheer you up.

Stuart Wellington

[28:25] Those chocolate ones were so gross, dude.

Dan McCoy

[28:29] They're little bear cookies.

[28:33] Maybe that'll take his place in your heart.

Elliott Kalan

[28:35] Maybe this will ease some of the sting.

[28:37] It's a little cracker.

[28:38] It looks like a bear.

[28:41] Anyway.

[28:41] Oh, come on.

[28:42] Thanks, Tom.

[28:43] I got a lot of teddygrams to give out today.

[28:48] I'll see you later, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[28:56] So he might see her again?

[28:58] I got to see her around.

[29:00] It's a little...

[29:00] It's distasteful to hit on a woman just then, but he knows she's single.

Elliott Kalan

[29:04] He's going to come back with more teddygrams.

[29:07] Catch you on the flip side.

Dan McCoy

[29:09] I'm not going to die as well as the flip side of me.

[29:12] She's all alone in this world.

[29:13] Oh, she's...

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:14] So it looks like a teddygram delivery guy can give her...

[29:17] Any man who gives her a teddygram, she's just going to be so grateful.

Elliott Kalan

[29:21] Well, that's what it was like in Europe after the war.

[29:24] The occupational soldier just had to give girls teddygrams and they could do whatever they wanted.

Stuart Wellington

[29:27] Yeah, I didn't know that.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] It's a teddygram-based economy.

Stuart Wellington

[29:31] So we all really hated this movie.

[29:34] That's too bad.

[29:34] I was really hoping it was going to be fun.

Dan McCoy

[29:36] I think the amount of time we spent talking about teddygrams.

Elliott Kalan

[29:39] So far on this episode devoted to the movie Untraceable,

[29:42] we've talked about teddygrams, cutting holes in things and putting your penis in them.

[29:46] What else?

Stuart Wellington

[29:47] Anything else of note?

[29:50] The internet?

[29:51] Wait.

[29:51] That was relevant.

Dan McCoy

[29:52] Oh, God.

[29:53] Oh, let's just move on.

[29:55] Let's move on.

[29:56] Dot org.

Elliott Kalan

[29:58] That's an internet joke.

[29:59] So, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[30:00] So we agree that this movie sucks.

[30:02] What's the next part of the podcast, Dan?

[30:04] Is this the recommend it?

[30:05] Recommendamations?

[30:06] Okay, Ellie, you go.

[30:08] Ellie, Kaelin goes.

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] All right, man.

[30:10] I'm on top of this.

[30:11] I got two movies.

[30:13] The first is, for anyone who wanted a little action, which this movie did not have,

[30:17] a little movie called The Driver, which is a Walter Hill film from 1978 starring Ryan

[30:22] O'Neill and Elliot, why did I say, I was about to say Elliot Gould, Bruce Dern.

[30:26] They look similar a little bit.

[30:27] No, they play similar characters.

[30:28] Ryan O'Neill is the best getaway driver in the business.

[30:32] And Bruce Dern is the cop who is determined to take him down.

[30:36] And, you know, they're both kind of swaggering macho guys, though Ryan O'Neill is very quiet.

[30:41] And there's a lot of good car chase stuff.

[30:43] There's one scene where he's got to show these guys what he can do to earn this bank job.

[30:48] And he drives through a parking garage doing these really close turns and almost hitting walls and stuff.

[30:54] And they're like, okay, okay, we get it, we get it.

[30:55] And he goes, just to prove it, he slowly destroys the car with very, very accurately done moves and things like that,

[31:02] driving just close enough to a pillar to knock the mirror off and things like that.

[31:06] It's pretty awesome.

Dan McCoy

[31:07] I have to say, we've talked about how the 70s were a magical time when people like Bruce Dern could star in a movie.

[31:14] But also there were an odd time when Ryan O'Neill could play a very masculine role.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] Could play a very tough, silent guy.

[31:21] And Bruce Dern's character is hyper-masculine.

[31:24] Like, he talks like Bruce Dern, so he's kind of like, ah, well, you know, I'm going to catch that guy.

[31:31] But he's still like a badass.

[31:34] In the other movie, the 1966 Czech film, Closely Watched Trains, which I saw the week before last and was awesome.

[31:44] It's a very kind of funny, deadpan comedy drama about a young guy who becomes a train dispatcher in his village in Czechoslovakia during World War II.

[31:54] And he really wants to get laid.

[31:56] And those two things kind of intertwine.

[31:58] Kind of the bureaucracy he's living in in this train job.

[32:03] And the fact that, according to this movie, everyone in Czechoslovakia was trying to avoid work all the time.

[32:08] And also, his kind of getting older and trying to be a man through sleeping with women, which he's very bad at.

[32:15] So, there's some pretty funny jokes in it.

Stuart Wellington

[32:18] I, uh, this is Stuart.

[32:20] And Stuart is going to recommend...

[32:22] Our voices don't sound anything alike.

[32:25] This is Stuart.

[32:25] And Stuart is going to recommend the movie Them.

[32:29] It's a French movie, and it has, uh...

[32:31] I think it is good.

[32:32] It's basically a couple in the middle of nowhere near Bucharest, I think?

[32:36] Getting, uh, terrorized by...

[32:38] Who knows?

Dan McCoy

[32:40] Not to be confused with the new movie The Visitors.

[32:43] Strangers.

Elliott Kalan

[32:43] Or with the old movie Them, about giant ants.

Stuart Wellington

[32:47] Yeah, it's not about giant ants.

[32:48] I don't think...

[32:49] Wait.

[32:50] Oh my god, Elliot.

[32:52] Spoiler alert.

[32:53] The, uh...

[32:53] For that 50-year-old movie.

[32:55] It's really, uh...

[32:56] It's got a lot of tension.

[32:57] There's a lot of good, like, long shots.

[32:59] And it does a lot with, like, light and sound.

[33:02] And it's just really tense.

[33:03] So, if you like, uh...

[33:04] I watch it with two girls, and they spent most of the movie with their hands over their eyes.

[33:09] Uh...

[33:09] Because they're scared.

[33:10] And you like to scare girls.

[33:12] I do like to scare girls.

[33:13] Uh, I like to wear a cape and, uh, scare girls.

[33:17] So...

[33:17] It's all on his Facebook page.

[33:18] That's me.

[33:19] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[33:20] The cape has nothing to do with the other part, but...

[33:22] Um...

[33:23] What about you, Dan?

[33:24] I would like to break the rules and recommend a British television show.

[33:31] However, there were only six episodes of said show, and it was intended as a six-episode

[33:36] closed...

[33:36] So it's like a three-hour movie.

[33:38] Yeah.

[33:38] So I think I can maybe make it work and say that, um, people should watch, uh, State of

[33:43] Play.

[33:45] It's a great, um, series.

[33:46] It was directed by David Yates, who, uh...

[33:50] He just directed the last Harry Potter movie, but this movie is about, um, journalists.

[33:57] Uh, basically it starts out with a woman falling on train tracks, and you don't know whether

[34:03] she committed suicide or what.

[34:05] But because of this death, it is revealed that she, uh, was having a, uh, an affair with a, uh,

[34:12] you know, high-ranking British government official.

[34:16] And from that, you know, more developments and more developments spin out.

[34:21] And it has, uh, Bill Nighy in it.

[34:24] The science guy.

[34:25] The science guy-y.

[34:26] Bill Nighy in the science guy.

[34:29] Um, and, uh, James McAvoy is in a small role.

Stuart Wellington

[34:34] This is a pretty big-name cast.

Dan McCoy

[34:36] And, uh, Kelly MacDonald is in it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:38] Yeah, I like her.

[34:39] She's Scottish.

Dan McCoy

[34:40] Yeah, I was...

[34:41] I told Sarah that...

[34:42] It's hard to sort of concentrate on what she's saying because she's so adorable.

[34:50] And, like...

[34:50] Like with the Olsen twins.

[34:52] Exactly.

[34:53] Absolutely.

[34:55] Um, and the reason I wanted to see this show was it was recommended to me as something that,

[35:00] you know, people who really enjoy The Wire might like because it has sort of, like,

[35:04] similar storytelling.

[35:06] Set in Baltimore.

[35:07] Take a lot of, uh...

[35:09] Pay a lot of attention to what's going on.

[35:11] Like Untraceable.

[35:12] Yeah.

[35:13] So to be distracted by an adorable Scottish accent is a bit of a problem.

[35:19] But, uh, it's really good.

[35:20] And it's hard to say, also, the main guy is the guy who was the star of the TV show Life

[35:24] on Mars, which I've never seen.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] I've heard that's good.

[35:26] I have also...

[35:27] That was on BBC America On Demand for a long time, and I never got around to watching it.

[35:32] I feel bad about that.

Stuart Wellington

[35:33] Man, so that's a lot of good recommendations, guys.

[35:35] Man, if, uh...

[35:37] I think I'm going to go out and watch some of these movies.

Elliott Kalan

[35:40] Yeah, I...

[35:41] I'm going to watch...

[35:42] And shows.

[35:43] Them's and States of Play, or what was it?

[35:45] Yeah, it's the same thing.

[35:46] State of Grace.

[35:47] State of...

[35:48] Yeah.

[35:48] State of Maine.

Dan McCoy

[35:50] State of Maine.

[35:51] David Mamet's State in Maine is my recommendation.

[35:54] So...

Elliott Kalan

[35:55] I'm going to take that out of context.

[35:57] Make it look like you have bad taste.

Dan McCoy

[36:00] Um...

[36:00] It was a terrible State of Maine.

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] Listen, when you're doing the satire of the movie industry, and you just keep pulling your punches the way he does in that.

Dan McCoy

[36:09] It's got Jonathan Katz in it.

Elliott Kalan

[36:11] Okay, I'll give you that.

[36:12] It does have Jonathan Katz in it.

[36:14] But he's better in The Spanish Prisoner.

Dan McCoy

[36:15] Yeah.

[36:17] Um...

[36:17] I just want to tell people.

[36:18] They should go to theflophousepodcast.blogspot.com for more than just going and voting on our behalf and writing good reviews of us.

[36:29] Recently, the last full episode, we asked people to draw their own version of an alien versus predator fight.

[36:38] And we did get a piece of fan art that I enjoy quite a bit that's posted on the site now.

[36:45] And last week, when there was no new show, or I guess the week before that, I stuck up this episode of Captives in Space,

[36:57] a web series that I write for.

[37:00] And the reason it's sort of Flophouse related is that Stuart came up with a story for it.

[37:06] Yeah.

[37:07] At a party.

[37:08] I did.

[37:08] It was pretty impressive.

[37:09] At a party, he like, sighed up to be drunk, and he was like,

[37:12] you know that Captives in Space thing you do?

[37:15] Yeah, you should do an episode where the captain's getting mustaches.

Stuart Wellington

[37:20] Yep.

[37:21] And then a great story was born.

[37:25] A great yarn.

Elliott Kalan

[37:27] It's just like that castle in Switzerland where Frankenstein and Dracula were both born.

[37:36] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[37:37] I'm just saying that if you like pictures or video, you can go to the website.

[37:43] If you're tired of listening to things with your ears.

Elliott Kalan

[37:44] When you're tired of going to killwithme.com and watching guys being killed.

[37:49] Yeah.

[37:49] Or kittens.

[37:50] Or kittens.

Dan McCoy

[37:50] There's a lot of other good stuff on the internet.

[37:52] Sure.

[37:53] It's not related to killing.

Stuart Wellington

[37:55] Sometimes it's podcasts.

[37:59] Yes.

[37:59] Like this one.

[38:00] Sure.

[38:01] Let's listen to it, shall we?

[38:04] So wait, are we done?

Dan McCoy

[38:05] Yeah.

[38:06] I think the high point of this show was actually the stuff that didn't have anything to do with the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[38:10] Yeah.

[38:10] Well, because fucking Untraceable sucked, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[38:12] It was so long and boring.

[38:14] It was.

[38:14] It wasn't even long.

[38:15] It was 95 minutes.

[38:17] But it was so boring that it felt like it was twice that length.

Stuart Wellington

[38:19] Like, oh my god, she's staying in a hotel because the killer knows where she lives.

[38:24] Oh no, the killer's there.

[38:25] He's untraceable.

[38:26] He's caught her.

[38:28] Oh no, she survived and killed the killer.

[38:30] Yay!

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] I was hoping this movie was just about a guy who wants to copy a picture from a book, but

[38:35] the paper he's using is too thick.

[38:37] Nice.

[38:37] So he can't trace through it.

Stuart Wellington

[38:39] I like to think that it's a guy who's trying to copy a picture through a book and he has

[38:43] the appropriate girth of paper.

[38:47] Inflammance.

[38:48] Thickness, let's say.

[38:49] Thickness.

[38:50] Sure.

[38:50] He's got paper of appropriate girth.

[38:52] And then he's got like charcoal?

[38:55] Charcoal or a pencil?

[38:56] Sure.

[38:57] But he starts trying to trace it, but like the alien geometries of the picture, like his

[39:01] brain can't comprehend.

[39:02] Oh, it's non-Euclidean.

[39:02] Yeah, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[39:03] And worse yet, the girth of his penis is too big to poke through the pizza box and or popcorn

[39:10] that he has.

Stuart Wellington

[39:11] So too much girth yields too little popcorn.

[39:13] That's got to be enormous.

Elliott Kalan

[39:14] That would have to be enormous to be too big to get through a pizza box, which is roughly

[39:19] the size of a shield.

[39:22] Also, you can make a fucking manhole cover.

[39:28] That's like he has elephantiasis or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[39:31] Arguably make a hole of any size.

[39:33] A hole so big that it encompasses the entire pizza box.

Stuart Wellington

[39:36] The penis box?

[39:38] So, that's crazy.

[39:40] Like, does that mean like the sides of his penis go out onto his thighs?

[39:44] Or is he just incredibly obese?

[39:45] Yeah, how does he walk?

Elliott Kalan

[39:46] Flaphouse listeners, if you'd like to draw a picture of this horrible thing, please feel

[39:52] free to do so and keep it to yourself and not show anybody because they'll get the wrong

[39:56] idea.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] Sounds like the giant guy from Big Fish.

[39:58] If you do show us, if you do send it to us, we will not post it online.

[40:04] We may look at it and describe it on air.

[40:08] But I think you can pretty much imagine.

Stuart Wellington

[40:11] I don't know that we're going to do that.

[40:12] Well, speak for yourself, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] Let's continue this conversation off air.

[40:17] But for now, for Flaphouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[40:21] I'm Elliot Galen.

[40:22] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[40:24] Good night, y'all.

[40:25] Y'all?

[40:28] You were just in Ohio, weren't you?

Elliott Kalan

[40:36] My favorite part about that scene is when the crystal skull flies up and magnetically

[40:40] attaches itself to the bones of the neck.

[40:42] And the neck bones noticeably go like,

Stuart Wellington

[40:44] We're going to turn into an alien soon.

[40:51] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[40:52] Oh, man.

[40:53] That's going to be in the after credits music.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] I think it has to be, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:59] After hours.

[41:00] My oing.

[41:01] And then there's this awesome bit where there's fucking alien skull attached to this other thing.

[41:06] Lame.

Dan McCoy

[41:09] Mini crystal skull review at the end of this episode.

Stuart Wellington

[41:13] Ah, I don't want to talk about untraceable because it sucked.

[41:17] All right.

Flop House Klassic - Untraceable

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