The Flop House: Episode #31 - Swing Vote

[0:00] In this new era of hope and change, we discuss Swing Vote, the world's most irrelevant political satire.

[0:31] Hello, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:37] And I'm Will Hines.

[0:38] That's right. We have a guest, because Stuart was called away to Baltimore.

[0:44] No doubt Stringer Bell is up to his old tricks.

[0:47] Stuart's demand to stop him.

[0:49] He had to go team up with Omar on something.

[0:51] Exactly. Elliot's now started watching The Wire so he can start making these jokes.

[0:55] I've seen the first four of the 25 discs in the series.

[0:59] That's not so bad, though, for five seasons.

[1:01] That's like when it starts to get good.

[1:03] It requires more investment of time than any other series that's been raved about.

[1:06] I liked it from the first episode.

[1:09] I can see it getting richer over time.

[1:13] But this isn't The Wirecast.

[1:15] If only. This was The Wirehouse.

[1:19] The Wirehouse. That sounds like a good indie band.

[1:21] It does sound like a good indie band.

[1:23] Okay, guys. Tonight we found The Wirehouse, the best indie band on the market.

[1:28] I call tambourine.

[1:30] Also, it's that kind of indie band.

[1:32] We find an indie band and we take over for them.

[1:34] So, Will. Let's introduce Will.

[1:37] He teaches at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York City.

[1:41] That's great. I'm just curious what you knew about me.

[1:44] We've met in passing at a couple of different events.

[1:47] I don't know how much information you actually picked up.

[1:49] But that's right.

[1:50] How much information? I don't know. I know that you're a comics fan.

[1:54] Yeah, that's right. I do. I love comics.

[1:56] He owns Cats. He's a sketch and improv dude.

[2:02] And I was on the Internet today.

[2:04] Oh, yeah.

[2:05] And I saw that you have a role in the upcoming film The Mystery Team.

[2:09] Oh, yeah. That's right.

[2:10] Which was at Sundance.

[2:11] The Jared comedy. Yeah, it was at Sundance.

[2:12] So, technically, I was at Sundance. I was viewed at Sundance.

[2:15] That got a lot of good reviews.

[2:17] Oh, yeah. It's a very good movie.

[2:19] I have two lines of exposition.

[2:21] The name of my guy was Reasonable Principal.

[2:23] I'm not kidding.

[2:25] Establish the main character, and then that's it.

[2:28] But it was really fun. I was pretty glad.

[2:30] Now, I have this right. Let's see if I have it right.

[2:32] It's a movie about an aging team of boy detectives, a la The Hardy Boys or The Three Investigators.

[2:40] Right, but now they're almost out of high school, and they're still solving crimes the same way.

[2:43] But they have to solve a murder with those techniques.

[2:45] So that sounds like a fun movie.

[2:47] I'll make that movie.

[2:48] Yeah.

[2:49] I've accepted your pitch.

[2:50] I'm not pitching to you.

[2:51] Well, we're in production. I'm giving us a green light.

[2:53] Yeah, it's a green light.

[2:55] So when can I expect the script? Bye.

[2:57] I guess it's already written and shot and produced, so later tonight I could email it to you.

[3:02] It doesn't matter because other people have made it and own it.

[3:04] Let's get this thing in the can. I'm excited to be working on it.

[3:07] This is going to be our next big production.

[3:09] As your friend, if you make this movie, you'll be wasting your time if somebody else owns it.

[3:13] I see Michael Cera and maybe Woody Harrelson.

[3:15] You'll probably get sued.

[3:16] If you actually make that happen, you might be able to have your movie surpass this one currently.

[3:21] I think I can get Miley Cyrus for this.

[3:25] This is a legal problem waiting to happen.

[3:28] I'm going to call it the Derrick movie.

[3:30] Oh, man.

[3:31] About oil derricks.

[3:33] A movie about oil derricks.

[3:37] Like Siriana.

[3:38] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[3:39] I was going to say, why hasn't that been made before? But I guess it has.

[3:42] But we didn't watch The Mystery Team tonight.

[3:44] We watched Swing Vote.

[3:46] Yes.

[3:47] A political movie in this new era of hope and change.

[3:50] It's a fable, really, kind of.

[3:52] Yeah, I would say that's about right.

[3:53] The only thing keeping it from being a totally fable, political fable, is that there was no magic or supernatural happening.

[3:59] No wizards.

[4:00] No wizards, unfortunately.

[4:01] Right.

[4:02] Or gnomes.

[4:03] But a movie where a presidential election comes down to the vote of a single man, and you're not going to believe which man, the least likely guy.

[4:12] I know what you're thinking.

[4:13] It's obviously going to be a college professor.

[4:15] Someone who's suited to make that choice.

[4:16] Someone with an education, a historian.

[4:17] Someone who reads the paper now and then.

[4:18] Yeah.

[4:19] No way.

[4:20] Wrong again, Rongo.

[4:21] This is like the worst guy.

[4:22] If you had to pick one guy to have a vote, this guy would be way toward the bottom of the list.

[4:26] He is the last vote you would swing.

[4:29] I wouldn't go that far.

[4:30] I mean, he's not a serial killer or something.

[4:32] But a serial killer might have some good ideas.

[4:34] A serial killer would have some focus.

[4:35] Yeah, like a serial killer.

[4:36] He's got an issue.

[4:37] Killing.

[4:38] Just the same way the movie established the character.

[4:40] But he's a single issue voter.

[4:41] I really vote on one issue.

[4:42] Getting the voices in my head to stop.

[4:44] Single issue voter.

[4:45] No good.

[4:46] That would be an easy guy to pander to, though.

[4:49] I mean, I imagine a pardon, a presidential pardon would be involved somehow.

[4:53] If Charlie Coffin wrote the movie, it would be like a multiple schizophrenic who was the one guy.

[4:57] It was like four different movies going on at once, each pandering to the different personalities.

[5:01] Well, if he needed a pardon, that would mean he'd been convicted, in which case he's a felon.

[5:05] Well, but as you pointed out, Elliot, Kevin Costner's character is a two-time felon.

[5:11] And what is the name of Kevin Costner's character?

[5:13] His name was Ernest Johnson.

[5:16] Nicknamed Bud.

[5:17] Bud.

[5:18] The names in this movie are awesomely not imaginative in every way.

[5:22] What was the name of the reporter?

[5:24] Kate Madison.

[5:26] His daughter's name is Molly Johnson.

[5:28] That sounds like a Disney Channel singer, you know, like a youthful singer.

[5:31] Definitely.

[5:32] She sounds constructed.

[5:33] And the presidential candidates are Greenleaf and I think Boone is the other one?

[5:38] Boone, yeah.

[5:39] Boone is – well, we should start from –

[5:40] You should guess which one's the Democrat, though.

[5:42] Greenleaf or Boone.

[5:44] Greenleaf.

[5:45] Greenleaf.

[5:46] Well, during the movie you couldn't remember the name of the other –

[5:48] Republican, yeah.

[5:49] Republican, you're like, what's his name, Money Weapon?

[5:51] Yeah.

[5:52] Greenleaf.

[5:53] Elliot, you're good at quickly summing up the plots of things.

[5:56] Yes.

[5:57] Why don't you do that rapidly?

[5:58] Sure.

[5:59] You're a blurb machine.

[6:00] Thank you.

[6:01] Blurb machine, activate.

[6:04] We're introduced to Kevin Costner.

[6:06] He plays Ernest Johnson.

[6:08] He is not very good at anything.

[6:10] He works at an egg factory with a lot of Mexicans and Judge Reinhold.

[6:14] And his daughter is very smart.

[6:16] She is – she's like the Lisa Simpson of this two-person, single-parent family.

[6:21] Right.

[6:22] She's like a kid in a Neil Simon movie but she doesn't swear.

[6:24] Exactly.

[6:25] If Marge and Bart and Maggie died somehow.

[6:28] Probably a plane crash.

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:30] And maybe like Marge hangs on for a couple of days but then unfortunately passes away.

[6:33] Yeah.

[6:34] Boy, that show would take a really different turn.

[6:35] It's a very –

[6:36] Yeah.

[6:37] It's such a sad show.

[6:38] Yeah.

[6:39] It's like Million Dollar Baby of sitcoms.

[6:40] Twenty years of happiness and joy and then the end of it is,

[6:43] you couldn't even want to watch it anymore.

[6:44] No.

[6:45] Every episode from before that has been ruined because you know it.

[6:47] Yeah.

[6:48] Like you can't watch it because you know it's going to happen to these characters.

[6:50] Yeah.

[6:51] But anyway, so Molly is a prodigy.

[6:52] She's very interested in politics.

[6:54] She's precocious.

[6:55] Yeah.

[6:56] She's very precocious knowing movie kids are.

[6:57] Right.

[6:58] And she takes care of her dad.

[6:59] More than he takes care of her.

[7:00] Yes.

[7:01] Am I the only one who noticed that?

[7:02] Oh, no.

[7:03] Wait.

[7:04] We were reminded of that in every scene.

[7:05] Oh, right.

[7:06] Yes.

[7:07] And it's election day is coming up.

[7:08] It's 2008.

[7:09] Yeah.

[7:10] It's the most important election of our lifetime between two white guys who one's vaguely Republican

[7:14] and one's vaguely Democrat.

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:16] And she says to him, don't forget to vote, dad.

[7:17] Dad, I'm supposed to do a report on you voting.

[7:20] He even runs into a sign that says, remember to vote.

[7:23] He goes and drinks.

[7:24] Oh, shit.

[7:25] I'm supposed to vote today.

[7:26] Yeah.

[7:27] He runs outside, hits his head on.

[7:28] That literally says.

[7:29] It says vote today.

[7:30] Yeah.

[7:31] And hits his head so hard that he has trouble getting to his car and passes out.

[7:34] Yeah.

[7:35] Inside of it.

[7:36] Which means he must have gotten a concussion.

[7:37] And his daughter, he's not here.

[7:39] Uh oh.

[7:40] The voting poll is almost closed.

[7:41] The vote.

[7:42] The poll watchers asleep.

[7:43] I'll just sneak in and vote for him.

[7:45] Right.

[7:46] Unfortunately, doodle mishap with a vacuum cleaner that knocks out an electric plug.

[7:50] Right.

[7:51] The machine stops mid vote.

[7:52] Suddenly.

[7:53] Uh oh.

[7:54] The entire election has come down to New Mexico's vote.

[7:57] They're in the town of Texaco, New Mexico.

[7:59] Right.

[8:00] It's split.

[8:01] The rhyme of this town around.

[8:02] Yeah.

[8:03] Yeah.

[8:04] Some.

[8:05] And very implausibly, only New Mexico's electoral votes will decide this one.

[8:08] And just this county.

[8:09] Every, this county.

[8:10] Every county in New Mexico is 50-50.

[8:12] Right.

[8:13] Including, we have to assume, absentee ballots.

[8:15] Right.

[8:16] And just this one vote will tip the whole thing.

[8:18] Oh no!

[8:19] Well, as New Mexico goes, so goes the nation, Elliot.

[8:21] As it's always been.

[8:22] It's literally been the most important state in the union.

[8:25] Never, ever has it ever been an important state.

[8:28] Long story short, the election board comes and gets him.

[8:31] They tell him, you have to vote.

[8:32] And for some reason, they allow him to just dick around as long as he wants before he votes.

[8:36] It seems like two weeks.

[8:37] It's ten days.

[8:38] All right.

[8:39] At the end of it, he says, it's been a crazy ten days.

[8:41] The press finds out.

[8:42] It holds the country hostage.

[8:44] Intrepid local reporter, Kate Madison, and her very excitable boss, George Lopez.

[8:49] Yes.

[8:50] Discover that Bud Johnson is the mystery swing vote after Chris Matthews appears on TV like

[8:55] a thousand times explaining that the election is neck and neck.

[8:59] Yeah.

[9:00] And everyone heads to Texaco and both presidential candidates, one of whom is the incumbent,

[9:05] decides to take about a week off from being president so that they can woo him very personally.

[9:09] He's a lame duck at that point.

[9:11] Not if he wins the election.

[9:13] But until it's decided, I mean, no one's going to be.

[9:16] Of the amazingly high number of unbelievable things, that one's not super crazy.

[9:20] Like if it did come down to one guy.

[9:22] Only because we've had a president who for eight years would just take vacations for long periods of time.

[9:25] You just wouldn't believe that he would devote the whole ten days to wooing this guy.

[9:28] No, he would take some time.

[9:29] So he would have some days off.

[9:30] This is tiring.

[9:31] I'm going to take a day off to just hang around.

[9:33] Well, I've done my part.

[9:34] Like I imagine there were days when Bush just lay in bed all day.

[9:37] Not doing, just staring at the ceiling.

[9:39] Anyway, they come down.

[9:41] Both candidates start more and more just saying whatever they think Bud wants to hear.

[9:45] His daughter becomes disillusioned with the political process.

[9:48] Both candidates leave, abandon their platforms and their parties.

[9:53] Almost completely.

[9:54] Just to pander to Bud.

[9:55] Boone makes a wildlife preserve out of Bud's favorite fishing holes.

[9:59] Nothing happens to it.

[10:00] And when Bud says he's pro-life because he doesn't know what that term means.

[10:04] Greenleaf played by, oh Kelsey Grammer plays the conservative and Dennis Hopper plays the liberal.

[10:08] Dennis Hopper gives a commercial where he's all in favor of, he's very pro-life.

[10:12] Also when Kelsey Grammer comes out as pro-gay marriage.

[10:15] Yes, the Republicans all of a sudden supporting gay marriage.

[10:17] The Democrat is anti-abortion.

[10:19] It's a crazy topsy-turvy world.

[10:21] And should I go to the end of the movie or no?

[10:23] Yeah, just jump to it.

[10:24] Okay, after a while and a very strange tangent where they go find Molly's birth mother who's a drug addict.

[10:30] Yeah, she's clearly strung out on heroin.

[10:32] They go to, Bud wants to see one last debate.

[10:35] So he decides to moderate a debate between the two presidential candidates.

[10:38] He gives a 45-minute long speech it feels like about what's important in America.

[10:43] And then he goes in to vote the next day, pulls the curtain on the ballot booth.

[10:48] Molly smiles at him.

[10:50] A little wink to the audience.

[10:52] Fade to black or cut to black.

[10:54] Movie's over.

[10:55] Who's he going to vote for?

[10:56] Only you can decide America.

[10:58] It's your vote that counts.

[10:59] Is it the cardboard Democrat or the cardboard Republican?

[11:02] It was the smartest decision they made at that point because the best thing you want to see at that point is the movie to end.

[11:08] This was a long movie.

[11:10] I said I don't know how I didn't see that coming, the open-ended ending.

[11:14] Because halfway through I said that the only way that they were going to resolve this would be have one of them become the president and one become the vice president and switch off.

[11:23] Or for Bud to suddenly, you know what, let's just redo the whole election and Bud gets elected president.

[11:30] Yeah, because they're both presented as basically decent candidates, the Republican and Democrat.

[11:36] The villains in this are the campaign managers, Stanley Tucci and Nathan Lane.

[11:40] You got to do what's important is winning.

[11:42] We got to win.

[11:43] I don't know why I did a Richard Nixon voice for that.

[11:45] He was Nixon-y.

[11:46] Every character in this movie has one job and they do it every single line that they speak in the movie.

[11:51] Constantly.

[11:52] We're constantly reminded like she's a precocious kid.

[11:54] He's a dumb guy.

[11:56] Each character opens the door, storms in and says I am here to remind you why I'm in this film.

[12:01] There's lots of plot.

[12:02] It's like watching an episode of Law and Order because at the beginning of every scene they summarize everything that's happened so far.

[12:07] Yeah.

[12:08] Even though the title almost summarizes the entire plot.

[12:10] It could have started 50 minutes into the film like ever since I voted wrong, my life's been crazy.

[12:17] Yeah.

[12:18] And then maybe like a two-minute flashback and then –

[12:20] Well, and that would have skimmed over some of our major problems with the movie because –

[12:25] The first hour you're saying.

[12:26] Yeah.

[12:27] The basic premise of this film, I don't care whether it's a comedy.

[12:30] I don't care whether it's a movie.

[12:32] Like the premise is unworkable because as we all pointed out several times through the movie, number one, it would never come down to one vote.

[12:39] You're right.

[12:40] Like certainly not on election day it wouldn't come down to one vote.

[12:43] No.

[12:44] There would be absentee ballots.

[12:46] Then also like –

[12:47] And long before the margin of error is that small, it goes to the courts.

[12:50] We know this.

[12:51] It would go to a recount.

[12:52] Even if this movie happened before the year 2000, you might have me because I wouldn't even know.

[12:56] Yeah.

[12:57] But since this actually happened in 2000, a close election, not even nearly as close as this, just went to the Supreme Court and they picked who they wanted to be president.

[13:03] Yeah.

[13:04] Like that's what would happen.

[13:05] I saw it.

[13:06] I don't know anything and I know that that's what would happen.

[13:08] I kept expecting one of – like all the characters to –

[13:10] I don't know anything.

[13:11] All the characters to suddenly recover from their amnesia and be like, what are we doing, catering to this guy?

[13:16] Wait, this isn't how it works.

[13:17] And they mentioned – James Carville is on TV and he's like, ah, it hasn't happened until the 1820s when it went to the House of Representatives.

[13:22] That's not even true.

[13:23] It's like one that happened in 1876 also but two like, okay, then the election should go to the House of – like why does this –

[13:31] You are saying the plot of a smarter movie.

[13:33] Yeah, exactly.

[13:34] Oh.

[13:35] You, Elliot, were really keen on doing this movie mainly because you wanted to object to how it gets politicized.

[13:42] I was like everything about – I was so ready to be horrified by its factual inaccuracies.

[13:47] But you were and you were correct at least in the premise part of it.

[13:51] And I got a certain amount of fun from that, yeah.

[13:52] Yes.

[13:53] But it was just – it's weird because it wasn't the movie I thought it was going to – as often happens when we – when I'm looking forward to a movie that we're going to do, it wasn't the movie I thought it was going to be.

[14:01] Like I figured it was going to be like a really wacky, over-the-top comedy.

[14:04] Because you thought we were watching The Third Man tonight.

[14:06] You're looking forward to that.

[14:07] Yes.

[14:08] Oh, I can't wait for Carol Reed and Grant Reese's Meditation on Good Intentions and Moral Ambiguity.

[14:13] Oh.

[14:14] Guess what, guys?

[14:15] I got Swing Vote.

[14:16] Oh.

[14:17] We're compelled to watch whatever you bring.

[14:19] We're not watching Jules and Jim.

[14:20] We're watching Swing Vote.

[14:21] But I thought it was going to be a much goofier movie than it was.

[14:24] But like it was a really slow-paced, not a good movie.

[14:27] And as you pointed out many times, Will, like a really fake-looking movie.

[14:32] Yeah, but it was amazing in that like the movie was high-budget with talented cast, well-lit, like just well-produced.

[14:38] Like if you didn't speak English and you walked through the room when it was going on, you'd glance at the screen and be like, that's probably a good movie, and you'd keep going.

[14:48] But every single moment, especially in the first half of the movie, rang so untrue.

[14:53] Like in the way of when they show a bunch of guys in a bar.

[14:55] It doesn't look like a real bar.

[14:57] It looks like a bunch of actors in a bar set.

[14:59] Yeah.

[15:00] You're telling me that Judge Reinhold is not convincing as a back-country egg employee.

[15:06] I'm telling you worse than that.

[15:07] Not only was Judge Reinhold not – Judge Reinhold actually was the most convincing redneck.

[15:11] And all of the Mexican extras in the background looked like a bunch of guys with SAG cards.

[15:16] Like they just – it just – everything looked sort of like the charades version.

[15:22] I'm like, oh, give me two syllables and I'm going to try to portray to you what somebody looks like when they're in a bar.

[15:26] They'd go through like the main street of the town and it was like, okay, they put up enough buildings to make it look kind of like the main street of it.

[15:33] Even like a dying southwestern town would have a few more buildings.

[15:37] Like the main street would literally be like 50 feet long.

[15:40] There's something in the details of it that you could tell it wasn't real.

[15:43] Nobody thought on any level –

[15:45] Although there's women out there who really wanted to see Judge Reinhold in a mullet and a big mustache.

[15:51] This is a movie.

[15:52] The weird thing was they still like Judge Reinhold.

[15:55] Stupid dialogue, useless part.

[15:57] And at the end of every line, like the front part of my brain would be like, that was stupid.

[16:00] And my loser brain was like, like him.

[16:02] Relate to him.

[16:03] Enjoy him.

[16:04] He good.

[16:05] He good.

[16:06] The movie reminded me a lot of the movie Bridget Jones' Diary, which has the same feel of like this feels like it's taking place entirely in an unreal world.

[16:15] Everything gets professionally done.

[16:17] That's a good comparison because that movie could have been pretty good I think.

[16:21] But it was like fake at every turn.

[16:22] It's like this is an office in quotes, and here is the boss in quotes.

[16:25] I still don't think it would have been very good.

[16:26] But like there's a part where Hugh Grant and Colin Firth like get into a fistfight out in the street.

[16:31] In the street, yeah.

[16:32] And there's nobody in the street.

[16:33] It's deserted.

[16:34] And the snow is beautiful.

[16:35] Actually, that movie was ruined by the soundtrack.

[16:37] I'm like the one defender of Bridget Jones' Diary.

[16:39] I don't like that movie.

[16:40] I read the book, and I don't remember why, and that's a whole – I don't even know.

[16:44] But I thought the book was funny, saw the movie, and it wasn't funny.

[16:47] I mean I'm all for artificiality in a movie like I saw –

[16:51] Like Gremlins?

[16:52] Like, well, Gremlins.

[16:53] Gremlins is deliberately –

[16:54] Even Gremlins like –

[16:55] Makes it look like it's in a back lodge.

[16:56] No, that's the thing.

[16:57] The houses and things in Gremlins look like real houses.

[17:00] Yeah, but I mean –

[17:01] But even like a movie like –

[17:02] But it's obviously also a conscious choice.

[17:04] They're like I'm going to make this look like the old horror movies that I grew up with.

[17:09] Yeah, well, like the idea of a small town.

[17:12] But at least the rooms look like rooms people live in, and it's lit like maybe light would actually look in real life.

[17:17] Yeah.

[17:18] You think that they carded in light from some –

[17:21] I think they bottled light from the outside world, and then they opened the bottle in it.

[17:26] Rushmore is a movie that has an otherworldly feel at every turn.

[17:30] It doesn't feel like the real world at all, and it's not naturalistic.

[17:34] It's like stilted, and it looks like this is a movie.

[17:37] This was arranged and art-directed by an obsessively weird dude.

[17:41] But like it fits the story, and it helps.

[17:44] Whereas this, the premise is so crazy that you need like the other things to be realistic feeling, and they aren't.

[17:51] Right to the names.

[17:52] Kate Madison is a reporter.

[17:53] Bud.

[17:54] My nickname is Bud, the most stupid nickname that nobody really has.

[17:59] Also like –

[18:00] They call me Fishbone.

[18:02] I don't understand like the thinking behind Ernest Johnson.

[18:05] They're like, okay, we want people to know this character is sincere, so we'll call him Ernest.

[18:09] And he's an everyman.

[18:10] And then we'll give him a name that means penis for his last name.

[18:13] I feel like it was like a bunch of producers came up with the idea for the movie,

[18:16] but then the scriptwriters never changed any of the specifics.

[18:19] They came up with like, we'll change this.

[18:20] This is stupid.

[18:21] Let's say his name is Ernest.

[18:22] Okay, whatever.

[18:23] We'll just go with that.

[18:24] Let's call him like Greenleaf.

[18:25] Not that –

[18:26] Some place in New Mexico.

[18:27] I don't care.

[18:28] Let's text a code in New Mexico.

[18:29] It doesn't matter.

[18:30] Call it whatever you want.

[18:31] He works in like what, an egg factory, something, something.

[18:32] A reporter comes up, and she's like little Miss Prim and Prime.

[18:33] Madison Avenue.

[18:35] All right.

[18:36] We'll take that out.

[18:37] Take that out.

[18:38] That's crap.

[18:39] Egg factory.

[18:40] Yeah, a lot of egg factories.

[18:41] In Texas.

[18:42] But there were parts that we did like.

[18:43] The movie overall, it starts out as a really boring comedy.

[18:44] Super heavy-handed on the exposition.

[18:45] Very heavy-handed exposition.

[18:46] Then it becomes a really boring, heavy-handed drama about the importance of nobility and

[18:47] politics, I guess.

[18:48] Yeah, when the candidates are betraying themselves.

[18:49] Then this weird personal drama of the dad and the daughter, but that was kind of good,

[18:50] right?

[18:51] Like it was like a different movie.

[18:52] Yeah.

[18:53] Doesn't it?

[18:54] If it was –

[18:55] The daughter runs away to her father's house.

[18:56] Yeah.

[18:57] She's like, I'm going to kill you.

[19:01] It's heartbreaking.

[19:02] Yeah.

[19:03] Where it's like, oh, this is clearly a woman who has had substance abuse problems.

[19:04] This daughter wants the mother to be a good mom and she knows she can't and who has.

[19:05] Yeah.

[19:06] And in the audience, and we were saying this multiple times, like how much of a fuck up

[19:07] does that woman have to be to be a worse parent than you?

[19:08] Kevin Costner has a lot of family problems.

[19:09] He's like, I'm going to kill you.

[19:11] That's the same thing.

[19:12] I think that's a problem.

[19:13] But the audience is like, man, you're going to kill me.

[19:14] And he's like, I'm going to kill you.

[19:17] No, I'm going to kill you.

[19:49] the world he's living in.

[19:50] And there's a big fat sheriff sleeping with his chair tilted back and like Costner comes

[19:56] out, locks himself in the cell and then, oh, I got a job.

[20:00] and don't worry about me using a broom handle to try to get my daughter off of the wall

[20:05] and meanwhile yeah like mayor winningham is giving guys blowjobs for crack like

[20:08] yes it's a different but like that's it hinted at a much better movie that this

[20:12] could have been if it had nothing to do with the presidential election it's like

[20:16] it was just about a guy and his daughter and you know they have to get along and

[20:19] she's too smart for him right so it was weird to see how it was bad and how it

[20:22] was good because so the well another part of the there was another part that

[20:26] was oh the other good part was the uh or that i would do what are we gonna say

[20:29] that was bad the hand the over explaining like the over indicating

[20:33] early in the movie when it's revealed to the world that there's this one guy who

[20:37] has the vote and they found out who it is they cut to somebody in a news station

[20:41] watching kevin costner come out of his trailer and in the news station he turns

[20:45] on his manager and goes i don't believe it or what is it like i don't know he

[20:49] says something like uh it can't be this guy or it's like but then later like

[20:53] there's all this press in town and and molly logo's like this is getting weird

[20:58] yeah as if right talking right to the audience in case you fell asleep

[21:03] this entire life is yeah it's not this part of the movie is pretty weird

[21:07] really you might as well look right at the camera why why not even go go all

[21:11] the way look right at the audience and be like this seems pretty meaningful

[21:15] but uh the good thing about it was they show these ads that the presidential

[21:19] candidates are making yeah to appeal to bud and they're like it's like they

[21:23] hired a college sketch group to like do these scenes for the movie like they're

[21:27] really funny and crazy it was so over the top that i love them there's they're

[21:31] like he's like i don't like that people are losing their jobs to mexicans and so

[21:35] dennis hopper is striding towards the camera through a desert as illegal

[21:38] immigrants just run past him at top speed racing a horde of mexicans behind

[21:43] him sirens chasing after and he's acting as if he's oblivious so what's going on

[21:46] around him right so the idea of a democratic president giving an

[21:50] anti-immigration ad might have been the point they're trying to make that was

[21:52] funny but the real funny is just how insanely over the top commercial was

[21:56] where he does the thing about abortions bad and he's standing in front of a

[21:59] playground full of children and the children begin exploding and puffs of

[22:03] right and disappearing and then at the end he holds up a ball and he says

[22:08] something about intelligent design the ball turns into the earth like it's it

[22:11] was great it was really funny i guess maybe what i'm thinking of his

[22:14] ham-handed exposition was just over the top but at a part where i needed the

[22:18] movie to be real yeah like when he first walks out of his trailer to discover the

[22:21] press and there's not just like a crowd of like eight to ten reporters outside

[22:25] of his door there's it's like 200 or 300 reporters and they have huge huge

[22:30] floodlights these lights that don't go he opens door goes is there somebody out

[22:34] there and suddenly yeah it's like dark at first and then once he opens the

[22:37] lights come on they waited for him yeah surprisingly it was a birthday party

[22:40] from the uh eventually he'll go outside yeah then we'll start yelling questions

[22:46] they weren't they weren't making there was a huge huge crowd they weren't

[22:49] making any noise until kevin costner opened the door and then they're like

[22:53] turn the lights on everyone start talking this this has to do maybe with

[22:56] the theory that you had will it made the movie a little bit more interesting

[22:59] yeah i believe that kevin costner it's never said explicitly but that everybody

[23:03] in the movie is inanimate unless being looked at by the main character that

[23:07] everybody is completely still until costner looks at him the camera pans

[23:11] over then they start and then they can come to life and move as a part kate

[23:13] madison has an as an american indian cameraman and she's eating dinner with

[23:18] with kevin costner and molly and you don't see the cameraman you just see

[23:21] this little you just see the three of them together and she's like maybe i can

[23:24] interview you and kevin costner's like oh all right and suddenly he looks over

[23:28] and the camera pans over and the indian is just sitting there holding the camera

[23:32] in the chair and then suddenly gets up real quick points the camera at him and

[23:36] you were like oh that guy was inanimate until right it looks right it was a

[23:40] statue until costner used his life-giving rays that came out of his

[23:42] eyes it's definitely a thesis that you know has support in the text it's it's

[23:47] it's like a remake of uh it's a good life sort of that's what i yeah it's like it's

[23:52] a good life but not as good and without you know the human uh jack-in-the-box i

[23:55] think it's fun when watching these movies to decide what you'd have to do

[23:58] at this point to make it a genuinely good movie what would have to happen to

[24:01] save it and like the further you go along the harder that is yeah but but

[24:05] this i feel this theory i think improves the movie greatly i think it saves it

[24:09] although it's like also the idea that i wish that there was that it ended with

[24:12] him choosing the president and then the president starting a nuclear war and

[24:16] there's just a shot of kevin costner matter of time as a mushroom cloud goes

[24:21] off behind him you know well i guess i made the wrong swing vote the one that

[24:26] you guys were talking about was uh there's a point in during kevin

[24:30] costner's 10-minute monologue 45 minutes at the end speech that he

[24:35] gets where he talks about the letters he uh

[24:38] oh this is a movie where importance is signified by people bringing bags and

[24:43] yeah it's like miracle on 34th street but bad right i wish i wish i could see

[24:48] when that judge got lost his license as a judge yeah

[24:51] you know excuse me why did you uh say in the law now the american law that that

[24:56] man is santa claus that's your responsibility now you've set the

[24:58] precedent that if anyone gets a lot of mail

[25:01] that means just that they have to prove that a lot of mail was sent to somebody

[25:04] that means that someone must exist uh yeah now bernie manoff has like 10

[25:08] million letters innocent cared of bernie manoff

[25:11] and they got it delivered to him there's precedent you know

[25:14] what were your grounds for this judge i'm just crazy i don't know

[25:17] but the one that you guys were saying was uh during that long speech

[25:21] he's like i got all your letters and they touched me

[25:24] and you elliot said in my butt and then and then the movie should have cut there

[25:30] like it was a big it was an hour and 45 minutes setup just

[25:34] sitting in my butt at a surprising moment

[25:38] a huge bait and switch he says he says very seriously

[25:40] in my butt and then you just see him real quick glance off camera and then

[25:44] boom yeah like all the credits in 15 seconds black

[25:48] music like this but he wants you to know

[25:52] that he knows it's a joke and he knows he just wasted two hours of your time if

[25:56] they did that and then they actually took the real snippets from reviews

[26:00] to use their average all the way to be like what no

[26:04] really it would people would the first week in that movie would sell out

[26:07] everyone yeah you'll never guess how it is

[26:10] there would be rioting in the theaters it'd be like the right data is to show

[26:13] up be like finally they would like be super excited the

[26:16] ending bears out the rest of it but uh yeah it's not it's a movie that

[26:21] takes its time going nowhere my theory was go ahead dan no i'm just

[26:24] gonna say like for a movie that is ostensibly some sort of political

[26:28] satire or at least a movie about politics at all

[26:32] the political characters you have no idea what either of the candidates stand

[26:36] for except for like generic

[26:40] generic there's like generic unemployed people generic reporter nothing yeah i

[26:43] mean they have like this fear of um doing any actual satire in this movie

[26:48] the republican is kind of dumb and the democrat is

[26:51] kind of like weak or spacey or nervous like

[26:54] phrase i used to describe the david mamet film state in maine

[26:57] where i call it gumming satire like it's not biting satire it's like gently

[27:01] gumming its victims to the point where it's kind of massaging well they're

[27:04] making fun of the film industry right i feel like

[27:06] whatever the film industry or politics i think it's so hard to be like specific

[27:10] enough and big enough to be funny because the real world

[27:13] that we see every day is already so crazily heightened but like in state

[27:17] maine it's like we're really gonna give it to the film

[27:19] industry except everyone who works for it is nice

[27:22] they're all good people right this was kind of like that well we do know that

[27:26] uh kelsey rammer is anti-cancer that's the one policy yes that's true he

[27:30] hints at an anti-cancer initiative yeah and he likes ice cream he mentions at

[27:34] one point yep i feel like what they did in this

[27:36] movie was they had a pretty good cast and there were a lot of moments that in

[27:39] the midst of being bored out of my mind and waiting for this thing to pick up and

[27:42] just being unsurprised at every moment and having the exposition summarized for

[27:46] me then all of a sudden a moment happened

[27:48] and i would like smile or i'd laugh and i think it's because the actors are good

[27:52] and i feel like what they did was they made these scenes long and slow

[27:56] with the intention of let's give these actors time to like

[28:00] react to each other and have some real moments and it'll save this terrible

[28:03] script but unfortunately all it did was make

[28:05] its terrible script take forever to get to its ending yeah

[28:08] it didn't really work it was it's not over and i don't know who wrote it and

[28:10] or how many drafts it went through or whose hand was the director but it's not

[28:14] a very good oh well then he you know i'll blame him but yeah it's not a very

[28:17] good script well and you know i and it's not the

[28:20] happening bad but it's you know not good i remember

[28:23] when this came out like i i there was a there was a web

[28:27] series that a friend of mine i don't remember when this came out

[28:30] i was like swing vote i can't wait till that comes out so we can do it on the

[28:34] flop house and then i looked at the ad closer i'm like

[28:36] oh it came out a week ago yeah oh it's already oh it's already out of the

[28:39] theaters but the only reason i was aware of it was

[28:41] uh a web series that a friend of mine and i did

[28:45] i wrote a script for it it was about like two guys

[28:48] you can see the name of yours it was called captains in space it was about

[28:52] advertise your things on it well it's basically done now but

[28:55] the point was i wrote an episode it's the internet so that stuff is gone

[28:59] yeah once you post it on the internet it expires you're only on the internet for

[29:01] one day but i was like great about it what if

[29:04] there was an episode where there was a an election for president of

[29:09] space and the idea was everyone in space had to vote

[29:12] except for these three people didn't vote and so um the president's place

[29:16] played by in this case sarah shaffer who has a guest hosted on the flop house

[29:20] before comes in and panders to these people

[29:22] wasn't she up against a toaster yeah a toaster was the other candidate

[29:27] that would have made this movie better well here's the thing like the dennis

[29:29] hopper was bad but if he was a toaster with democratic leanings i would have

[29:32] been paying a lot more attention but it talks like

[29:34] yeah

[29:38] the the like the toaster shaking around yo it's like yeah oh we're down in the

[29:43] bowls what are we gonna do but the point was

[29:45] and in that case the absurdity was part of it i'm like

[29:50] okay this is it yeah you're not trying to do a politically super incisive

[29:54] yeah no it's like oh maybe in the infinity of space the idea that everyone

[29:59] voted

[30:00] except for a couple people

[30:01] that's the absurd ridiculous ridiculous thing but here they're trying to play it

[30:05] as if like oh but that's the jumping off point for uh... maybe they wrote like an

[30:08] incisive drama then they did those political ads first and they were so

[30:11] funny like you know what

[30:13] let's just blow the lid off this thing man we're going to make another airplane

[30:16] every step of this movie is going to be a slapstick wonderland and then halfway

[30:19] through they got cold feet yeah and they're like nope put some speeches in

[30:23] let's make sure people know that we are americans crackhead mom crying daughter

[30:26] let's crank this thing up

[30:28] it was heartbreaking man i was impressed that that scene worked in the middle of this

[30:33] bring that scene back to it's

[30:34] it's mothership movie

[30:35] like wherever the movie is that thing came from which is probably called like nowheresville

[30:39] something like that or something horrible broke downtown

[30:42] kramer vs terms of

[30:43] choice or something like that the saddest movie ever kramer vs kramer there's a movie that

[30:48] i don't get but anyway

[30:49] i saw it when i was ten it works then

[30:51] well the thing is like thinking back on it now i'm like

[30:54] there's not really very much going on it's like

[30:56] how is this dad going to figure out how to take care of a kid

[30:59] oh he did it

[31:01] that's right because parents take care of children yeah you're bad at first you do it again and again you get better

[31:05] we're people we learn the mother comes back and then he makes a very good case that she's

[31:09] not a reliable mother yeah it was like even though this movie preceded the

[31:13] other one it was as if they were like

[31:16] let's take mr mom and turn it into a drama

[31:20] yeah take that kramer vs kramer thank god someone's finally got the kids

[31:25] costner was too dumb at the top he's an interesting sort of dumbness he definitely reads as dumb

[31:29] in everything he does i think yeah well he's never a smart guy except for when he played

[31:34] louis pasteur

[31:36] they really put him in a movie called milk strangely enough

[31:39] yeah uh badly named turns out you wouldn't think so

[31:42] they're like which movie should really be about harvey milk shouldn't it

[31:45] especially because they were like it was all about homogenization so like if you're a homo

[31:49] you're gonna love milk so it really like misadvertised itself in every way unfortunately

[31:54] but yeah kevin costner never plays easily he's better when he's playing a guy who is

[31:58] not an idiot but he's not smart necessarily right he's like a lowbrow like wise bull derham

[32:05] was the perfect pitch for him like yeah the well-read baseball player no pun intended

[32:09] oh right god that's horrible of me in some way bull derham was the best wolf dance for

[32:13] him but when he tries he he's one of those actors who i feel like he wants to like show

[32:20] some sort of range right and he's like uh-oh that didn't work i better go back to what

[32:23] i know that each time he goes back to it he's forgotten how to do it a little bit

[32:27] yeah and then he becomes you know stupid over time the whole first conversation with his

[32:31] daughter or you know she's like you gotta vote he's like who's running again it's like

[32:35] you know we don't have a president you think give me a break that it's larry the cable

[32:39] guy yeah as the as what's pro-life mean which one's that it's like come on did you get your

[32:45] shoes on your feet like i don't care how not into politics you are you know what those

[32:50] words by a simple repetition yeah you well did you know who's running for president america

[32:57] what month is it november what are you sure that many syllables in a month it's 2008 80

[33:04] i thought christ hadn't been born yet yeah he knows what it's an abbreviation for but

[33:10] he doesn't know what year it is that would fit this movie though because he'd be brilliant

[33:14] and he'd be like the wise old guru in one sentence and then be just like he'd be like

[33:18] well i don't know seems like those them guys ain't really sticking to their principles

[33:22] who will pizza like yes it's a push door yeah you're right molly i should be a better father

[33:30] i guess politicians don't always do what they say they're gonna do it's like wow this movie's

[33:34] really out there i figured that out when i was one okay well let's um so what do we do

[33:40] here now we talked a while we vote yeah we vote it's swinging it comes down to um i wish

[33:46] swing vote was the story of tarzan running for president we should vote and leave it

[33:50] up just to one of us well there are three of us so if there's a tie i don't think oh

[33:55] man i guess you're both gonna have to pander to me for you know since i assume you guys

[34:00] are for 10 days yeah well that's the other thing let me just say one thing before we

[34:04] vote they give him 10 days before the debate not even before he votes right if i was the

[34:09] government i'd be like listen you need to vote right now right just tell us who you're

[34:12] voting we'll give you 24 hours yeah you're throwing america into a panic but instead

[34:17] he's like i guess i'll vote when i'm good and ready and they're like oh you got us over

[34:21] a barrel swing vote there's nothing we can do like i don't get that choice literally

[34:24] no other way that we could decide this election we all have a 12-hour window to vote the normal

[34:28] voting yeah the ones who'd work on time everyone else in america was able to vote on a specific

[34:34] day but this guy has outsmarted the calendar yeah and it's gonna have to wait till you

[34:38] because in america anything that stops you from voting we will not stop until everyone

[34:43] there's no history of impeding votes in this country not at all never or making it inconvenient

[34:47] or difficult this is what i was saying before about like the idea that this is a made-up

[34:51] universe for kevin costner because he's maybe you know constructed a world where he's the

[34:56] most important person in it yeah and everyone has to bow down to him yeah right he's the

[35:00] twilight zone kid that's ordering everybody around yeah even comes back to uh willie nelson

[35:06] or uh what was the name what was the race car driver who was in it uh richard petty

[35:09] richard petty this movie big name i want to say this again i think it was pitched in

[35:14] 1989 and all the references they pitched then remain in the final script because i don't

[35:18] think judge reinhold willie nelson richard petty richard petty those are yeah this movie

[35:22] is i was waiting for them to start watching the cosby show right you know where where's

[35:26] the beef where's the beef yeah i guess my question is where's the beef yeah yeah politics

[35:35] anyway what you just said was more biting than the categories are um potpourri notable

[35:44] quotables potent potables and potent rotables scrotum bottables and chopin goatables i don't

[35:54] know i clean up on you want me in your can you repeat the categories alex no i can't

[36:00] we play a chopin song and you tell me how well the goats reacted to it on a scale from

[36:15] one to five goats we've assembled a musical scale of these goats i say three goats alex

[36:22] no it was two you're wrong what is the minute waltz for goats all right we'll give it to

[36:30] you you said goats you said that's all you're looking for oh man chopin goatables i've got

[36:36] a picture for kids hey kids tired of eating the bad old cafeteria food try some goatables

[36:42] chopin goatables mom can i get chopin goatables i think you've had enough chopin goatables

[36:49] today billy they are the goatables oh what a product anyway contested farmer approved

[36:57] oh my god this is the strangest joke that uh stranger than the teddy grahams thing

[37:02] oh but we gotta we gotta we gotta vote right yeah the categories are okay is this a uh good

[37:08] bad movie a movie that you you know you recommend uh to watch with friends for a few uh larfs

[37:13] right a bad bad movie one that has no entertainment value or movie that maybe you

[37:18] like a little bit okay so my vote as the guest i'll turn to you first will this is a bad bad

[37:24] movie all right it's too slow and boring despite the few moments that are okay that's my vote yeah

[37:29] i'm gonna agree on that it comes close to almost working how am i gonna break this tie my swing

[37:36] boat's gonna come into play no that's not how it works that way we both uh yeah it comes close to

[37:41] working a few times and there are a few scenes that are amusing but uh overall and it's the

[37:46] fucking thing is two hours long you don't need two hours for this premise no not at all i i agree

[37:51] with you guys and and the times when the movie worked for like 30 seconds yeah made me hate the

[37:55] rest of it more right because it's like you people are capable of it like the same way that like if a

[38:01] bad kid in class gets a d the teacher's like what are you gonna do right if a good kid gets a d she

[38:06] sits him down and is like what's going on at home like this is unacceptable yeah like it it could

[38:11] have been much better and there's little flashes of that but it just makes the rest of it look that

[38:15] shittier you know well maybe uh maybe kevin costner will uh you know he's a new actor and

[38:19] he's still figuring this thing out and maybe he'll get it right yeah so um right now i've got a few

[38:26] letters from listeners that i want to uh address first of all dear santa this one is actually from

[38:32] my eldest brother uh i just want to say that these correspondences do prove that you exist

[38:38] yeah you can't write a letter to somebody who doesn't exist um this is from rob last name

[38:43] withheld i think you can guess it your brother dan mccoy yeah he says uh first of all he's

[38:50] disappointed in me that i was unaware that thailand has a king he says we talked about that a lot his

[38:55] name of course is you'll too yeah and he uh commands you elliot that he says that you're

[39:01] correct that the bloody valentine my he calls it the bloody valentine my bloody valentine is

[39:07] technically in four dimensions thank you he says he's holding out for the sequel my bloody valentine

[39:12] 5d the tesser attack a new dimension on the whore so there you go i think he spelled it wrong

[39:18] it's tesseract but that's every movie is in three dimensions so a three-dimensional movie is four

[39:22] dimensions because that's the dimension of time yeah yeah wow it's annoying it's really it's

[39:28] that's the kind of thing that made me an unpopular kid yeah pointing out that kind of thing is not

[39:32] going to win by the way you mean frankenstein's monster frankenstein was the name of the scientist

[39:38] ow ow stop why are you hitting me don't put me in the locker i think we i think we've addressed

[39:43] this before but i think that this is the reason why you came on the daily show to correct uh

[39:48] john stewart about wolverine yeah because i'm an irritating person right and this one is from

[39:53] a someone who's not related to me it's from uh you dan mccoy yeah jeremiah

[40:00] Last name withheld.

[40:02] I think I probably know that last name.

[40:03] Dear Flophouse, well, you can read the name from where you sit.

[40:09] That makes it easier.

[40:10] So he says, I've been enjoying your podcast.

[40:13] It's hilarious.

[40:15] Bangkok hilarious.

[40:18] I have a movie to recommend, although it may fall out

[40:21] of your intended scope, 13 Days starring Kevin Costner

[40:23] and his Boston accent.

[40:26] It does fall out of our scope.

[40:28] It's a little old, but I think that it was good

[40:31] that we read this right now, because it's a Kevin Costner

[40:34] movie.

[40:34] But he has several postscripts.

[40:36] PS, on the blog, I would enjoy seeing pictures of the Flophouse

[40:40] crew watching movies.

[40:41] You would not enjoy that as much as you think you would.

[40:43] Yeah, I don't know.

[40:44] There's a picture.

[40:45] Well, it's sort of inactive.

[40:46] It's not beloved.

[40:47] I think there's one picture on there of us sitting on a couch.

[40:50] And it's exactly like that for two hours.

[40:52] There's no motion or anything.

[40:54] My wife is the one who does the photos.

[40:55] You never want to see, like, Hawkeye's dad.

[40:57] Like, there's certain people that you never want to see.

[40:59] All my references are 70s.

[41:00] Is that cool?

[41:01] I can throw off this?

[41:02] All right, I guess.

[41:03] It's like Barney Miller's wife.

[41:05] You don't ever want to see.

[41:05] Are you talking about the movie Magic,

[41:06] starring Anthony Hopkins and a ventriloquist on me?

[41:09] No, Liam Goldman's man.

[41:10] Oh, I forgot to tell you about that, Dan.

[41:12] I met William Goldman last week.

[41:14] But I'll tell you about that later.

[41:15] Did he script that or something, and then take a large sum

[41:17] of money to keep writing about it,

[41:18] but then tell everybody anyway?

[41:19] No, don't talk about it on the podcast.

[41:22] That would be uninteresting.

[41:23] Nobody wants to hear about my meeting famous screenwriter

[41:26] William Goldman.

[41:27] Yes, let's go back to our theories

[41:28] about what they were thinking on the set of Swing Coach.

[41:31] But the, what were we talking about?

[41:33] No, I was just, oh, yeah, pictures of,

[41:36] we should do, like, a fumetti of us watching the,

[41:39] you had, like, your Christmas holiday thing

[41:40] was kind of a mini fumetti.

[41:42] Yeah, no, I think that we'll get some photos.

[41:44] My wife is the one who takes the photos.

[41:46] She was not here tonight.

[41:47] Also, Stewart was not here.

[41:48] But I think in the future, we should get some more pictures.

[41:51] He says PPS, or PSS, actually.

[41:53] PP.

[41:54] No, PP's right.

[41:55] PPS, yeah, post-post-post.

[41:57] Yeah, post-script-script.

[41:58] He actually puts post-script-script here.

[42:01] Come on, Jeremiah.

[42:02] If, while watching a movie, you guys, the Flophouse Three,

[42:05] were bombarded with cosmic rays and bestowed

[42:08] with superpowers based on everyone's Flophouse

[42:10] style of commentary, what would those superpowers be?

[42:14] And would you use your powers to combat

[42:15] the makers of the movies you review?

[42:17] And how would you react to a public that feared you

[42:19] because of your superpowers?

[42:20] I wish I was a regular member of this panel

[42:22] because I get up every morning hoping

[42:23] to be asked questions like this.

[42:25] I think that we'll open this to Stewart when he's back.

[42:27] I think Stewart will be a character called the Stache.

[42:29] And his ability is to wear tiny pants that

[42:31] don't really hide his junk.

[42:34] And to know when boobs are around.

[42:35] That's good.

[42:36] Will, you're a big comics fan, so I

[42:39] feel like you can jump in on this.

[42:40] I don't think that we need to exclude you as a co-host.

[42:43] Yeah, so do I answer myself first?

[42:46] OK, well, I'd be some kind of bird costume,

[42:49] hopefully an endangered species like an eagle or a condor.

[42:53] And my ability would be to interrupt and to say

[42:56] somebody else's idea as they were saying it.

[42:59] That's what my superpower would be.

[43:00] I think I would be something called like the librarian

[43:03] or the professor.

[43:04] I can see that.

[43:05] Professor librarian.

[43:06] I would have an entirely tweed sort of unitard.

[43:10] And a pipe.

[43:11] A tweed unitard.

[43:13] He's got elbow patches on that unitard.

[43:14] Incredibly uncomfortable.

[43:16] He's got scratches, like, oh my god, I'm chafing.

[43:19] They call me Mr. Chafe.

[43:21] And my power would be to be consistently.

[43:24] I hope you have a calamine lotion

[43:25] on the inside of that costume.

[43:27] Consistently avoid matching others and their quips

[43:30] because I'm concerned about keeping the show on track.

[43:35] You'd have a subtle voice of authority

[43:36] that fails to keep us in line.

[43:38] Time for the next bullet point, you'd say.

[43:40] And I'd be Chatterbox, the joker of the group,

[43:43] even more nasal and annoying than I am in real life.

[43:46] Or the corrector, the reference-izer.

[43:49] The asterisk.

[43:50] The asterisk, that's a good one.

[43:52] I think I'd be called Chatterbox.

[43:52] And my costume, I'd have, like, those wind-up teeth.

[43:57] I'd have one in each hand and I'd go,

[44:00] like, point them at people.

[44:01] You irritate the criminals back into jail.

[44:03] Oh god, I'd rather be in jail.

[44:05] Not another moment.

[44:07] You give people, like, a minor rash

[44:09] by those chattering teeth biting their arms.

[44:12] Ow, ow, those teeth.

[44:13] And stop talking about Mishima, A Life in Four Chapters.

[44:16] Wow.

[44:17] Paul Schrader, people.

[44:18] It's rare that I don't think about that movie

[44:19] ever since I saw it.

[44:21] It's good?

[44:22] It's really good.

[44:22] I don't think I've ever seen any of his movies.

[44:24] I mean, aside from Taxi Driver,

[44:25] but not like the ones he's directed.

[44:26] Of the ones I've seen that he's directed,

[44:27] I like this one the most.

[44:28] It's much better, it's, I mean.

[44:29] Was Autofocus, was the one?

[44:30] Autofocus, Affliction.

[44:31] The referencer.

[44:32] Blue Collar.

[44:33] Affliction?

[44:34] Yeah, he's done some good ones,

[44:36] but Mishima's the only one I saw where I was like,

[44:38] by him where I was like, blown away by it.

[44:39] I like Blue Collar a lot.

[44:40] Blue Collar's not bad.

[44:42] That's the one in, there's a book called

[44:44] What Happens Next, which is supposed to be

[44:45] a history of Hollywood screenwriting,

[44:50] but it talks about Paul Schrader

[44:52] directing Blue Collar and almost or definitely

[44:56] breaking down in tears on the set

[44:58] because Richard Pryor and Yafet Koto

[44:59] hated each other so much and would argue.

[45:02] And Richard Pryor turning to him and going,

[45:04] are you gonna be a man or are you gonna be a pussy

[45:06] when Paul Schrader is like in tears

[45:08] on the set of his own movie?

[45:09] So.

[45:10] Wow.

[45:11] He's an interesting character, Paul Schrader.

[45:12] He didn't see a movie till he went to college, I think.

[45:14] His family was very religious

[45:15] and they wouldn't let him go to the movies.

[45:16] Really?

[45:17] Yeah.

[45:18] Why are people good at things?

[45:19] Right in front of me like that.

[45:20] That is annoying that he.

[45:22] Well, I don't know.

[45:22] Started so late and then was that awesome.

[45:24] I don't know that Paul Schrader

[45:25] is rubbing it into your face.

[45:27] He might be a little bit.

[45:28] Not me directly, but just the world at large.

[45:30] Hey, I just saw movies like five years ago.

[45:33] I did this.

[45:33] And I'm making them.

[45:34] Your face so hot.

[45:35] Richard Pryor called me a pussy.

[45:37] What is that?

[45:39] Take that.

[45:40] I think he's definitely rubbing it.

[45:41] That's a really abrasive Paul Schrader.

[45:44] Hey, you know what?

[45:44] I'm making a movie called Autofocus.

[45:46] You shove it up your ass.

[45:49] I think Paul Schrader is a fairly abrasive character.

[45:51] I'm gonna fucking make a exorcist prequel.

[45:54] What?

[45:55] What movie did you make?

[45:56] It's gonna be taken away from me.

[45:57] And re-shot completely.

[45:59] Fuck you.

[46:00] Fuck you, Rennie Harlan.

[46:01] My movie got taken away from me.

[46:05] I'm Paul Schrader.

[46:07] Movies are easy.

[46:10] That's why I don't care.

[46:11] It's like I pooped that out.

[46:12] Top of the world, man.

[46:13] Oh, I sneezed.

[46:14] There's a movie, whatever.

[46:16] But to go.

[46:17] Cody Jarrett from YG.

[46:18] Sure, why not?

[46:20] But to briefly go back to the question,

[46:22] I don't think that we would combat

[46:24] the makers of those movies.

[46:25] I think that the movies would give us our powers.

[46:26] Yeah, we would gain powers from movies

[46:28] and feel really depressed that people feared and hated us

[46:30] and probably like sulk and sit in our dark rooms.

[46:33] People may fear and hate us

[46:35] based on the numbers for this podcast.

[46:36] Oh, we get at least a listener.

[46:40] No, no, it's fine.

[46:41] It's fine.

[46:42] But I would like to recommend that people

[46:44] tell people about the podcast

[46:46] and sign up on iTunes and write a review.

[46:49] The Flop House Podcast at blogspot.com.

[46:51] Anyway.

[46:52] I wanna hear Paul Schrader.

[46:53] Hey, I heard your podcast.

[46:55] Whatever.

[46:56] It's garbage.

[46:56] I'm gonna make, first of all,

[46:57] I never heard a podcast until two weeks ago.

[46:59] I'm gonna shit a podcast.

[47:01] Way better.

[47:02] I can do it in my sleep.

[47:03] I just did one right now.

[47:04] I got a podcast right now.

[47:05] Easy, it's great.

[47:06] Dramatic, it'll rip the heart out of your face.

[47:09] My podcast will explode in your ears.

[47:11] Schrader out.

[47:15] You've been Schraderized.

[47:17] This is the Schrader speaking.

[47:18] Talk to me.

[47:19] What does he sound like?

[47:20] I don't have any idea.

[47:21] I don't know.

[47:22] I imagine he's a much calmer man.

[47:25] He's a very soft and thoughtful.

[47:26] I doubt that he's like that loud.

[47:28] I just like the idea of him answering the phone.

[47:30] Schrader here, talk to me.

[47:31] You got the Schrade.

[47:34] Hang on, I gotta stop talking to you.

[47:35] I just got an amazing, heartbreaking idea

[47:37] I gotta write down.

[47:37] Oh my God.

[47:38] You're gonna cry your face off when you see this movie.

[47:41] It's like the American Soul,

[47:42] but it's coming out of my butt crack.

[47:44] I wish there was a big enough audience

[47:45] that I could do a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sketch

[47:48] where they have to fight the Schrader.

[47:52] Their villain is Paul Schrader, but he's an agent.

[47:54] Oh my God, have you seen Elliot's new comedy show?

[47:55] The parody of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Paul Schrader.

[47:58] It'll be right up there.

[47:59] It'll be to an audience of four people.

[48:00] With my sketch, I told you about one stand

[48:02] where Sinclair Lewis is Grandpa Al Lewis's dad.

[48:06] And Sinclair Lewis is so mad.

[48:08] He's just like, listen, I'm a famous author.

[48:10] Do you know how old it makes me feel

[48:11] that my son is named Grandpa Al Lewis?

[48:14] That's what I like about it.

[48:15] I wrote Elmer Gantry, you're a vampire on television.

[48:18] Yeah, he's mad about, he's more mad about

[48:20] what it says about his age and less about,

[48:23] he's like, you are ruining the family name

[48:26] by appearing on this monster-based sitcom.

[48:29] A lot of Elliot's comedic sketches

[48:30] require that an amazing science fiction device be true,

[48:34] but that no one in the universe is concerned

[48:35] with the science fiction device.

[48:37] They also require an amazing spectrum of references.

[48:40] Both Sinclair Lewis and Grandpa Al Lewis.

[48:43] I want Samuel J. Tilden to be having a conversation

[48:46] with Howard Dean Stanton.

[48:48] Howard Dean Stanton?

[48:52] Oh, I missed that.

[48:53] No, that'd be great.

[48:54] We're like, we're going to Paris.

[48:56] We're going to Texas.

[48:57] Paris, Texas.

[48:58] Oh, right.

[48:59] Harry Dean Stanton, I forgot the real guy's name.

[49:01] There's one last post script,

[49:04] or a post script, script, script.

[49:06] I wish I could do a TV show where Harry Dean Stanton

[49:08] traveled through time just talking to people.

[49:10] Hey, how you doing?

[49:12] No one would be thrown.

[49:13] He's in every movie.

[49:14] Everyone's voice is the same in your universe.

[49:16] How you doing?

[49:17] I'm Harry Dean Stanton.

[49:18] I'm an improv actor, non-parallel.

[49:21] I've gotten through 10 years of improv doing no characters.

[49:24] I have loud, and I have not talking.

[49:26] Stan on the back wall.

[49:28] There was a thing I saw that used to be on tour.

[49:30] It was Ian Roberts showing,

[49:32] he's like, I'm going to create a character just now.

[49:33] Create a character.

[49:34] He's an IRA terrorist.

[49:36] It was like, okay, well, ask me any questions.

[49:38] I'll answer them in character.

[49:39] Okay, what do you feel about

[49:42] the British occupation of Ireland?

[49:44] I hadn't really thought of it.

[49:46] Every answer was, I don't know.

[49:50] He's created this whole character

[49:51] who has no opinions about anything.

[49:53] Ian Roberts is a great character.

[49:54] Indecisive.

[49:55] Lastly, though, I want to read this last post script

[49:57] because it's kind of wistful.

[49:58] I can't stop you.

[49:59] It's sort of wistful.

[50:00] I just started watching Silverstreak on that Netflix on demand thing.

[50:05] It's good.

[50:06] Thanks for the tip.

[50:07] Will Medbaby ever have a happy ending?

[50:10] It's true, I guess.

[50:12] I guess in network it's implied that he continues his reign as a plutocrat.

[50:16] I think probably at this point in his career, no.

[50:19] I mean, what's he done last?

[50:23] The last thing I remember he was playing, he was in...

[50:25] The last thing I remember is him in Switching Channels.

[50:29] That's quite a long time ago.

[50:31] He's a great actor who unfortunately got raped early on film and that was it for him.

[50:38] I can only be a bumbling sidekick in a Superman movie now.

[50:42] The whole world saw you be somebody's bitch and that is it.

[50:46] Backwoods people have emasculated my career.

[50:49] I got typecast as the rape guy.

[50:52] Alright, man, we've talked a while.

[50:54] I'm sorry.

[50:55] No, no, it's good.

[50:56] It's all gold.

[50:57] It's always like, let's get in and out, people.

[50:59] We've got to go home.

[51:00] Oh, wait, we've been talking for 40 hours.

[51:02] One thing on the internet, videos have to be like two seconds long,

[51:04] but podcasts are allowed to be like an hour and a half.

[51:06] Yeah, they go on.

[51:07] Double standard.

[51:08] They extend towards the horizon.

[51:10] Quickly, to prove that we're not miserable jerks who hate everything,

[51:15] let's do some recommendations of movies that we've seen recently that we liked.

[51:19] And in the interest of going fast, I will say that recently I saw Ghost Town,

[51:24] a movie that was not embraced by audiences while it was in the theaters.

[51:28] It has some problems.

[51:29] The script is a little on the nose.

[51:32] I'm in a ghost town.

[51:34] This is a town full of ghosts.

[51:36] Not big enough to be a city and everyone's dead.

[51:39] They tried to sell it as like a wacky comedy,

[51:42] and I think that's because Ricky Gervais was the main guy,

[51:46] and they're like, okay, we can't sell it as what it is,

[51:48] which is a romantic comedy because no one's going to be like.

[51:51] Because he's hideously unattractive.

[51:52] Well, people aren't going to be like, oh, that's the leading man I want to see.

[51:55] And here's what's wrong with movies today.

[51:57] There used to be a time when your romantic lead could be Gene Wilder or Elliot Gould,

[52:02] like a normal-looking person, but now it has to be like Josh Hartnett or George Clooney.

[52:08] It can't be someone who is of average looks.

[52:10] I think movies go through phases.

[52:12] Well, first of all, they're always more forgiving to men than women.

[52:14] There's never been a time when a homely woman has been the romantic lead.

[52:17] Except for Marty, and the whole point of it was that these are two homely people.

[52:20] Yeah.

[52:21] Yeah, you're right.

[52:22] It's never – it's always been –

[52:23] And that movie was like a once-in-a-century occurrence of talent.

[52:27] It's only when – yeah, it's always an average guy with a very attractive woman.

[52:31] But it was a very sweet movie.

[52:32] Or like modern romance with the Albert Brooks movie where it's like the whole –

[52:38] like it's a really funny movie, but the whole movie you're like,

[52:40] she's way too pretty for Albert Brooks.

[52:42] Right.

[52:43] Come on.

[52:44] Yeah.

[52:45] Except in real life, like the millionaire famous Albert Brooks.

[52:47] Yeah, well, then he can get any woman he wants.

[52:48] Yeah.

[52:49] It's like one of those screenwriter movies.

[52:50] Like I'm the lead, and I obviously have women swimming all over me

[52:52] because they have done so since I had one ounce of fame in this city.

[52:55] Yeah.

[52:56] But, you know, three good performances.

[52:58] Ricky Gervais – what's his face?

[53:00] Greg Kinnear.

[53:01] Greg Kinnear is good.

[53:02] And Taylor Looney, who I think often is a little –

[53:05] I don't know, there's something like sharp or cold about her,

[53:08] but she's very warm in this movie.

[53:10] And it's one of those rare romantic comedies where you're like,

[53:12] oh, I can see these people falling in love.

[53:14] I understand what they have in common

[53:16] other than the fact that the screenwriter has thrown them together.

[53:18] Yeah.

[53:19] So I recommend that.

[53:21] Yeah.

[53:22] And she puts her face right near like a ghost's penis, right, or somebody does?

[53:24] Sure.

[53:25] There's that in it.

[53:26] I saw that in the commercial, and I was like,

[53:27] I don't know if I'm going to see this movie.

[53:29] Yeah.

[53:30] Because why – how come the other ghosts have clothes but he doesn't?

[53:32] Well, because people wear what they had on when they died.

[53:35] That is a dumb rule.

[53:37] Well, it's –

[53:38] Consistent, though.

[53:39] It's enforceable.

[53:40] Apparently they have ghost cops.

[53:41] That's all they care about.

[53:42] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[53:43] Take that shirt off, buddy.

[53:44] You died in the shower.

[53:45] Yeah.

[53:46] You don't get to wear pants.

[53:47] I'll take any supernatural rules on that's held firmly throughout.

[53:51] Okay.

[53:52] I would agree with that.

[53:53] All right.

[53:54] Well, then I'm outvoted.

[53:55] Yeah.

[53:56] Your vote doesn't count.

[53:57] I haven't seen any movies recently.

[53:58] I feel bad.

[53:59] Your rule, it should be recent, right?

[54:00] It should be recent, but it can be anything.

[54:01] I'm going to have to bend the –

[54:02] I saw Scanner Darkly on Netflix streaming,

[54:04] which is some years ago, like four years ago or something.

[54:07] But I really liked it.

[54:08] I expected it to be really boring, and I thought it was really cool.

[54:12] That movie kind of went quickly, I think, relatively quickly.

[54:15] I thought it was – it wasn't great, but it was smart, like a lot of fun sequences.

[54:20] I guess like a lot of his movies.

[54:22] Linklater, is that his original name?

[54:24] Like good stretches of actors kind of being natural and real with each other

[54:27] and not a huge heightening of story.

[54:30] That's very Linklater.

[54:31] You can finally fulfill your dream of seeing rotoscoped Winona Ryder's breasts.

[54:37] Yeah.

[54:38] What?

[54:39] That's true.

[54:40] It's a movie.

[54:41] Yeah.

[54:42] You have a real fetish for cartoon Winona Ryder.

[54:44] Well, cartoon breasts, really.

[54:45] Yeah.

[54:46] And the rotoscoping, that was good.

[54:47] It's so rare that they are.

[54:48] I think that animation style is cool.

[54:49] I thought it worked for like a weird science fiction style

[54:51] where you want some things to be weird and some things to be natural.

[54:54] Yeah.

[54:55] I just want the audience to know I don't really have a thing for cartoon boobs.

[54:58] I do.

[54:59] It's too late now.

[55:00] Oh, okay.

[55:01] People believe the first thing they hear, Elliot.

[55:02] Ah, that's why Hitler got along so well for so long.

[55:06] No, don't listen to that guy.

[55:07] He's crazy.

[55:08] Sorry, my mind's made up.

[55:09] I've heard him already.

[55:11] Yeah, that's science.

[55:13] That was the broadest accent I've ever done for an interval.

[55:15] Not like my Schrader.

[55:16] Hey, you want accents?

[55:17] Your accents are crap.

[55:18] I haven't heard accents since I was 45.

[55:20] I've never been out of the country.

[55:21] Oh, hey, I'm a Frenchman.

[55:23] I already am French.

[55:24] Look how French I am.

[55:25] Jeez.

[55:26] Easy.

[55:27] Accents are easy.

[55:28] Schrader!

[55:29] He yells his name at intervals.

[55:31] Yeah.

[55:32] It's like self-centered Tourettes.

[55:33] Well, I'll...

[55:34] That's weird.

[55:36] That's a mad TV sketch from like 10 years ago.

[55:38] It is.

[55:39] Sorry.

[55:40] Schrader, Schrader, Schrader.

[55:41] Well, it doesn't really offend anybody.

[55:42] It's just kind of...

[55:43] It's out of the ordinary.

[55:44] It's repetitive.

[55:45] The reference is a little obscure for mad TV.

[55:47] I don't know if we're gonna...

[55:48] Oh, they did tons of Schrader sketches.

[55:51] They were America's clearing house for Schrader sketches.

[55:54] Oh.

[55:55] Because there's so many that needed clearing out.

[55:57] Yeah.

[55:58] At rock bottom basis.

[55:59] You can't go to every college sketch who's got their Schrader.

[56:01] They've got their superhero sketch, their zombie sketch, and their Schrader sketch.

[56:04] You can't just throw them out, Elliot.

[56:05] They've been written.

[56:06] I guess so.

[56:07] I mean, they don't expire until...

[56:08] What's your movie, Elliot?

[56:09] Name a movie you like.

[56:10] We're gonna be here for longer than it took Kevin Costner to cast a vote.

[56:14] I saw...

[56:15] On Friday of last week, I saw Coraline, which I enjoyed a lot.

[56:18] That's the new movie with the voices of Dakota Fanning and Terry Hatcher and John Hodgman

[56:22] and some other people who I don't remember.

[56:25] It looks beautiful.

[56:26] The trailer makes it look...

[56:27] It's really...

[56:28] The animation's fantastic.

[56:29] It's Henry Selick who directed Nightmare Before Christmas.

[56:31] Ooh.

[56:32] And I think James and the Giant.

[56:33] James and the Giant Peach.

[56:34] Yeah, James and the Giant Peach.

[56:35] And it's just...

[56:36] He outdoes both of those movies in terms of the animation.

[56:39] Really great.

[56:40] And the figure acting is fantastic.

[56:42] And the design is really cool.

[56:44] And the voice acting, strangely enough, is really good.

[56:46] Really?

[56:47] Like, usually they hire celebrities and they're just like...

[56:49] So they can promote with their names.

[56:50] Be yourself.

[56:51] Right.

[56:52] You're Eddie Murphy.

[56:53] Just Eddie Murphy it up.

[56:54] But John Hodgman actually acts in it and gets across this character that doesn't sound too

[56:58] much like he does in real life.

[57:00] Terry Hatcher and Dakota Fanning both do a good acting job of creating the characters

[57:04] that they're doing.

[57:05] Wow.

[57:06] And it was just like a real...

[57:07] And it's one of those movies that there's no pop culture references in it.

[57:10] There's no song montages set to 80s hits or something.

[57:14] It's not a DreamWorks film.

[57:15] It's not Shrek, basically.

[57:17] Yeah.

[57:18] And this is a movie that you can watch 10 years from now.

[57:21] Or you could have watched it 10 years ago and it would have been just as good.

[57:25] Well, you couldn't have watched it 10 years ago, Elliot.

[57:26] I mean, if the movie had existed 10 years ago.

[57:28] Actually, you're wrong there.

[57:29] Yeah, what you're saying is a temporal impossibility.

[57:31] Okay.

[57:32] Well, 10 years from now and then another 10 years on top of that.

[57:34] And by the way, it's Frankenstein's monster.

[57:36] Ding.

[57:37] Why yada yada.

[57:38] You guys.

[57:39] Will knows what that is.

[57:40] It's a callback.

[57:41] But it was a really good story told in this solid way with beautiful animation.

[57:47] And the only caveat that I would give for the mTOR is I saw it in 3D and I would recommend

[57:54] not seeing it in 3D.

[57:56] I feel like the images are so beautiful on their own and there's so much going on in them.

[58:00] And the lighting is so not conducive to 3D in that the images are composed.

[58:04] They're not made for things to jump out at you.

[58:07] Yeah.

[58:08] That it really was distracting and not so – and like your brain is working harder to channel the 3D images.

[58:14] And it makes it harder to focus on what's going on.

[58:16] Like whereas Beowulf was much better in 3D than it would have been out of it because it's just this fucking guy shoving things in your face.

[58:22] And there's a monster and then the camera zooms in.

[58:24] But this is a movie.

[58:25] So it was a lot better.

[58:27] We're rapidly approaching the limits of what GarageBand can handle in a single audio file.

[58:32] So we should sign off.

[58:34] Okay.

[58:35] Thanks for having me, guys.

[58:36] Oh, our pleasure.

[58:37] Thanks for coming along.

[58:38] Thank you for inviting me.

[58:39] I've been Dan McCoy.

[58:40] I'm Will Hines.

[58:41] And I remain Elliot Kalin.

[58:43] Good night.

[58:44] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[58:47] Don't shatterbox with the last word.

[58:48] Yeah.

[58:54] Wait, do you need to know how to describe me?

[58:55] We could let you introduce yourself to the listening public.

[58:59] Do whatever you want.

[59:00] You have a specific intro that you want.

[59:01] I'm micromanaging and bailing at the same time.

[59:03] You do whatever you want.

[59:05] This has got to be perfect.

[59:07] Right.

[59:08] We cannot screw up.

[59:09] You know what?

[59:10] It doesn't matter.

[59:11] Let's just play it loosey-goosey.

[59:12] Stay on point.

[59:13] And three, two...

The Flop House: Episode #31 - Swing Vote

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