Academy Awards Flopstacular 2009!

[0:00] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:29] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:30] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:31] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:32] Yeah, and tonight it's our annual Awards Floptacular.

[0:37] Yep.

[0:37] While the stars come out to shine.

[0:43] Yep, the annual things we do once a year.

[0:46] I think I see Stuart walking down the red carpet wearing a tuxedo t-shirt

[0:52] as if he's a character in a slob versus snob comedy.

[0:58] Which one would I be eating?

[0:59] And here's Elliot with his dress backpack on.

[1:04] Bedazzled with thousands of emeralds.

[1:07] So let's join the Floptacular.

[1:12] Inside.

[1:15] No, no, no, that's the 4th of July, I don't know.

[1:20] So, before we get started, like, before the Oscars, they have, like, you know, they show people walk out on the red carpet.

[1:26] They also showed, they had that Barbara Walters special, I don't know if you guys.

[1:30] I saw 10 seconds of it.

[1:32] Okay.

[1:32] Did you see the part where Hugh Jackman, that's Wolverine.

[1:36] Gave her a lap dance?

[1:37] Yeah, gave her a lap dance.

[1:38] That's the only part I saw.

[1:39] Yeah.

[1:39] It was really weird.

[1:40] It was creepy and gross, but not as bad as Barbara Walters pole dancing with Demi Moore

[1:45] the year that Striptease came out.

[1:47] Yeah, I guess you're probably right.

[1:49] It's basically like trying to decide which type of shit smells worse.

[1:54] The Eloquent Flophouse Awards Floptacular.

[1:58] So, I know why everyone's tuning in tonight.

[2:02] Everyone's tuning in to hear what we thought about the frocks.

[2:07] Who was the best and worst dressed?

[2:09] Oh, that's what you're talking about.

[2:10] Oh, the petticoats.

[2:12] Trousseau's.

[2:15] Yep.

[2:15] Everyone, you might think that the looks were retro, but they're actually futuristic.

[2:21] Actually futuristic.

[2:23] I mentioned that I thought that was funny to a co-worker of mine, and she said, no, but that's true.

[2:28] It was futuristic.

[2:29] It wasn't retro.

[2:30] And I said, oh, it still was funny, and she said – and we got into an argument.

[2:34] Really?

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:35] Was there like a fist fight in the Daily Show corridor?

[2:38] It was not a fist fight.

[2:39] It was just a verbal sparring, and then I left.

[2:41] At my job in a store filled with guys playing miniature games, war games.

[2:50] So was that like Pocket Tetris?

[2:51] yes we didn't we didn't uh we didn't talk about the the dresses very much

[2:57] what did you talk about with the oscars um we talked about basically everyone just talked

[3:04] about heath ledger and why he deserved to win it for dark knight which he did yeah that's about it

[3:11] so that was a really short conversation it was but then guys were talking about how iron man

[3:16] should have won for visual effects basically anything that was somewhat genre related i

[3:21] I imagine a lot of the conversations in your workplace

[3:23] go like this. Pew, pew, pew!

[3:24] Oh, you got my guy! Pew, pew!

[3:26] I'll stop him!

[3:28] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!

[3:30] And then you make, like...

[3:32] Like that's a horse.

[3:34] Uh, folks, uh, don't let

[3:37] Ella fool you. He actually is in my shop

[3:39] every other day.

[3:39] Painting my miniatures.

[3:42] My miniatures. Uh, well, let's,

[3:45] let's, uh, the Oscars, how do we think

[3:46] Hugh, Huge Jackman did?

[3:48] Well, uh...

[3:51] Does he get a thumbs up or a flop down?

[3:53] He's from Australia.

[3:56] When he was actually on stage, I thought he did a pretty good job.

[3:59] Yeah, I think he had to go backstage and take some morphine every now and then

[4:02] to feed some addiction he might have,

[4:04] because he was absent for long periods of time.

[4:06] But he was very good.

[4:07] I mean, I enjoyed the opening number and his interaction with the crowd.

[4:11] Well, I just am glad that in the big musical medley,

[4:17] Salute to Music and Songs,

[4:19] They chose as many songs that were written for stage shows

[4:21] that were later adapted into films as possible

[4:24] and as few songs written for the screen as possible.

[4:26] Yeah.

[4:27] Because I love those original musicals like Chicago and West Side Story

[4:35] and that song from Moulin Rouge and, you know,

[4:39] all these songs that were written for movies only.

[4:41] It's like the Oscars forgot what they were about.

[4:43] That would win our Oscar for part of the Oscars that seemed to be from a different movie.

[4:49] That's only the second worst part of the Oscars, though.

[4:51] The worst being the 2008 yearbook.

[4:54] What are you talking about?

[4:55] Like the bits where they showed like, hey, remember?

[4:57] There were action movies that came out.

[4:59] Yeah, exactly.

[4:59] Yeah, that was kind of weird.

[5:00] But it was nice to see Death Race got a little moment.

[5:02] Yes, it was.

[5:05] But, yeah, but I thought the musical number at the top was very good.

[5:07] The Hugh Jackman musical number.

[5:09] Even the jokes that didn't work, I thought were still amusing.

[5:12] And I liked the whole bit about how he didn't see the reader.

[5:14] Because I thought that was funny.

[5:15] So we're in agreement.

[5:16] And then the ceremony went downhill.

[5:17] Yeah.

[5:19] I mean, I think...

[5:20] It was pretty fast, though.

[5:21] I mean, they didn't, like, far around.

[5:22] No, except for the salute to 2008, parts 1 through 10.

[5:27] Yeah, that's true.

[5:28] Now, the weird bits were, like, in those salute to 2008 moments.

[5:33] There was action movies.

[5:34] There was...

[5:35] Comedies, romance.

[5:37] Romance, that's...

[5:38] Animation.

[5:39] Animation.

[5:40] Basically, like, where are our profit sectors?

[5:43] Hollywood Inc., let's take a look at what our profit sectors are

[5:46] and make sure they're represented at the Hollywood Awards.

[5:49] Well, to me, the one that seemed the strangest was the romance one

[5:55] because animation, you know, there are very few animated films released in a year

[6:02] compared to live-action movies, and so you can sort of encapsulate that in one montage.

[6:07] I saw more of Space Chimps in that montage than I've ever seen before.

[6:12] Action films are basically sort of accepted as their own genre,

[6:16] you know comedy likewise whereas romance you know usually it's an element of a larger picture

[6:23] you know like there are you know romantic comedies or romantic dramas romantic action

[6:29] movies like tango and cash the story of uh the love between a straight-laced cop and the cop

[6:36] and his loose cannon partner and a romantic animated films like fritz the cat but so many

[6:42] the nine lives of fritz the cat so many of the things in the romance uh montage were just like

[6:49] the romantic subplot from movies that were not i think literally what they were thinking was we

[6:53] need something for girls also we've got animation comedy which has become a man's game except for

[6:58] tina fey and amy poehler basically don't watch movies and uh action we need some ladies movies

[7:03] in here so we'll have kissing and what and shit and then ladies will like that cross off a couple

[7:08] potential categories like movies with horses,

[7:10] rainbows,

[7:13] the Zac Efron montage.

[7:15] Movies about parties and party dresses.

[7:17] We all have girlfriends or wives.

[7:20] Strange as it is to believe.

[7:21] What happened last year when your boss hosted,

[7:25] when you had the joke montages?

[7:27] And those, well, the idea was that

[7:30] it was tributes to very specific things

[7:33] that were kind of cliches in movies.

[7:35] But this was, it was almost like they saw that

[7:37] And they were like, all right, we'll go the opposite, romance, but only in 2008.

[7:43] Like, if there's anything that the movies have created in the human mind,

[7:46] it's this idea of romance that is very much a film creation.

[7:51] Romance has existed through the ages, you know, but, like, film romance is a very specific thing.

[7:55] Do tell, Elliot.

[7:56] Ever since the first caveman lit the first candle, romance has been a part of the human condition.

[8:03] Flash forward to ancient Babylonia.

[8:05] But films are known for their, like, if there's anything that they've been known for for their entirety since the silent era, it's the idea of romance.

[8:13] So to limit it to 2008 seems crazy.

[8:17] You were saying during the show that they were interested in just getting rid of any sense of film history.

[8:23] Well, it was the only, until the very end when they were like, this year's Best Picture nominees remind us of older films that will cut in with them.

[8:32] except for that it was almost like they were trying to tell you the only thing you need to

[8:36] know about the past in movies is that awards have been given out in the past you don't need to know

[8:41] about the movies hollywood is about the academy awards and occasionally it makes movies and 2008

[8:46] was the greatest year in hollywood history let's look back at all the amazing movies that came out

[8:51] like death race and the tale of despero you know and high school musical whatever you know i mean

[8:56] that's what it is is they were saying in clone war they're saying here's the stuff you didn't

[9:00] seeing the theaters you should rent it now the same way that at the credits they had the you

[9:04] know the shots from movies coming out this year but you by the way i got in case you guys didn't

[9:09] know we got more movies coming out don't worry these weren't the only movies there's more when

[9:14] it came from oh boy you know if you thought these ones were good well you get a load of 2009 oh gee

[9:23] the year of romance pictures so it was it was just like a very it was a it was a very mixed

[9:28] up oscars it was in in terms of the set and having the and the way they did the music they were going

[9:34] for an old hollywood 30s vibe but they refused to admit that they were movies i think except ones

[9:41] that starred people who are dead now like in the in memoriam section i was surprised they actually

[9:45] showed clips from movies well those were a few of the things that i liked i mean they did try and

[9:49] change things up and some of the changes i thought were good and some of them worked yeah were bad

[9:55] And I liked the set in general.

[9:57] I thought it was a more interesting set, a more intimate set.

[10:01] It didn't have any giant Oscars looming over people ready to crush them.

[10:05] Didn't they have, like, a pink rainbow over the stage, though?

[10:07] It was a Swarovski crystal curtain.

[10:10] Yeah.

[10:11] It's a curtain made of Swarovski crystals.

[10:12] It was great.

[10:13] With moving lights behind them.

[10:14] It was kind of funny.

[10:15] The Hugh Jackman thing was all about,

[10:17] the budget's really low this year, so I made all my own props

[10:20] to use underneath this Swarovski crystal curtain.

[10:24] this billion dollar set the uh the one thing about that that montage about like the people

[10:30] who died or whatever yeah um was they while while you were watching it like the camera kept kind of

[10:36] like zooming and like moving and it made me a little nauseous i felt like i was watching tech

[10:40] tv or g4 or whatever they call it now where it's like now we're gonna go or cnn they do it too like

[10:46] zoom in on the screen and then zoom away from the screen please just use show me the screen

[10:51] We were watching this on a fairly, you know, large, flat screen.

[10:56] Don't be modest, Dan.

[10:57] Your TV is 100 inches.

[10:59] No.

[10:59] But it's a reasonably large, high-definition television.

[11:03] The highest definition possible.

[11:06] And we were not true at all.

[11:08] But we were watching it in HD, and we still had a hard time reading the names of the people.

[11:15] It was so defined.

[11:15] A high level of definition.

[11:17] But yeah, we had trouble reading who some of the people were and just getting a good look at them.

[11:23] You start off with Sid Charisse, one of the most beautiful women in history, and the camera's so far back that you can't see what she looked like.

[11:31] What she's famous for is her gams. You can't see her gams. What's the deal?

[11:35] And I was saying it was as if...

[11:37] Well, go rent Singing in the Rain or Silk Stockings or The Bandwagon. You'll be in Gam City.

[11:43] We like that show, Silk Stockings.

[11:45] No, not at all. Spelled differently.

[11:48] Not USA's Silk Stalking.

[11:52] It was like the director forgot that this was a television show and that what was on the screen on stage could fill up the whole screen for the viewers at home.

[12:02] But they were trying to capture instead what would the experience be like to be in the theater looking at a screen.

[12:08] On a boat that keeps going back and forth.

[12:11] That keeps listing back and forth violently.

[12:14] it was the same way when they're like i want to show the nominee and also the older that the

[12:19] previous winner who's paying tribute to the nominee let's put them in a tiny double box

[12:23] with a huge mosaic around them of of uh moments from this year's films and we'll have kung fu

[12:29] panda jumping in the air biting something every time so that elliot can't pay attention to what's

[12:34] being said because he keeps being distracted by how goofy kung fu panda is it was a plot against

[12:39] you it was yeah gil kates or whoever was like i don't want elliot to be able to pay attention to

[12:43] this speaking of you elliot hey sure speak of me we haven't talked about who won yet also no i just

[12:50] want to break in and say elliot worked on the oscars in some coughing in some capacity in the

[12:57] in the past i worked in a larger capacity a couple years ago than i did last year it's still a little

[13:02] bit last year but i want to mention that because um we did talk about this last year on our awards

[13:09] floptacular however that was back in the days when our sound was occasionally sort of dicey and that

[13:15] was the diciest sound of any episode i believe the andrew dice clayist yeah so if you want to

[13:20] retell any oscar anecdotes at any point i would encourage you to do so because i feel like no one

[13:26] can hear them okay previous episodes i remember it yeah frankly we don't listen to anything you

[13:31] say i know well yeah if you did you wouldn't let me talk on as long as i do in each of these

[13:35] uh i don't really remember any anecdotes in particular i mean i didn't get to go to la for

[13:40] the oscars i worked on stuff in new york the i mean the first year i worked on it was with the

[13:44] broke back mountains years so i did that that i co-produced the gay cowboy montage but the gay

[13:50] cowboy montage the only exciting thing about that i guess we spent a lot of time working on the sound

[13:54] mix for that well a lot we rented all the movies we were using uh sound from this particular music

[14:00] catalog a lot of some of the movies were tapes from my collection that didn't look that great

[14:04] because taped off television taped off television because the movies were not available to us on

[14:09] dvd and you'd think the oscars would be like whatever we'll get you the original film elements

[14:13] you know but no of course not and we worked a lot on the sound mix to get it all working right and

[14:17] then it was like a little too long so the editors of the oscars were like i guess i'll just pull

[14:22] this chunk out here so there's this big like in the sound when it goes from one song to another

[14:28] really bluntly and we were all really pissed off and we were like wow the guys at the oscars didn't

[14:32] really put that much work into into massaging this but the other funny thing was uh we uh the

[14:38] last clip in it involved gregory peck and charlton heston from the movie the big country where

[14:43] gregory peck uh is leaving and charlton heston i forget which one says the like charlton heston

[14:48] says like you didn't you didn't have to come say goodbye and charlton heston's in his uh long

[14:52] underwear and gregory petko is the kind of guvai i had in mind to take a little more room and then

[14:57] charlton heston just smolders at him and then gets up off the bed he's sitting on and we cut it there

[15:03] and apparently the whole time we were really worried that john wayne's family uh his son in

[15:08] particular runs a company called wayne enterprises which is the same name as the batman's company

[15:13] and they're very protective of his copyrighted image so we were like oh we're gonna get a lot

[15:17] of trouble from the duke's people or i guess they just say duke's people they didn't call him the

[15:21] duke they did get a lot of trouble from john wayne's people they're gonna be unhappy they

[15:24] won't like this the idea that he is gay da da da and then we had no problem at all and but gregory

[15:31] peck's widow was very unhappy with the implication that he was gay coughing so much that his character

[15:38] was gay in this scene and so apparently the president of the academy and like the gil kate's

[15:42] the producer had to go out and visit uh gregory peck's widow and just be like listen let us give

[15:48] us permission you know don't worry about it it's not it's not such a big deal and she said okay

[15:52] but uh i loved the idea that like i watched this movie on a tape in my house and i marked this

[15:59] scene as seeming kind of homoerotic and as a result the president of the academy has to go

[16:03] talk has to go drive over to gregory peck's widow's house and sit in her living room and

[16:07] explain to her that like it's okay he won't people won't really think your late husband

[16:11] the beloved screen actor was gay you know and that was one of the uh best received parts of

[16:15] that oscars if not if not the best received i thought we did a very like to toot my own horn

[16:20] i thought we did a very good job and i was very proud of it afterwards and you know it was a lot

[16:24] it was about a month's worth of work that went into it so i think crash winning uh best picture

[16:28] that was the highlight yeah oh geez if only you made like a i don't know like a gay racism

[16:38] montage instead yeah people appearing people so much gay racism people

[16:43] a tribute to hollywood racism

[16:47] old hollywood racism and it's got uh mickey rooney and breakfast at tiffany's and just

[16:54] characters from in the heat of the night and uh

[16:57] so you're going different ways with it you guys are talking about like movies about racism

[17:04] racist depictions oh yeah well you know oh well what's it uh step and fetch it and people like

[17:10] that yeah exactly the crows and dumbo are not necessarily racist all right well heckle and

[17:14] jackal jar jar binks is racist he's incompetent the crows are maybe the smartest characters in

[17:20] that entire film you know i think i always like thought was more racist than jar jar binks though

[17:25] like jar jar trade federation guys the trade federation guys like the asian trade federation

[17:30] I understand it.

[17:31] And you know the slaveholder as well?

[17:33] Oh, yeah, the vaguely Middle Eastern Jewish slaveholder?

[17:37] Oh, yeah, yeah, like the guy who owns the...

[17:39] Hey, what are you doing?

[17:40] You want I should give you anything?

[17:42] This I can take or I can leave.

[17:45] Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech Ha'olam.

[17:49] Shalom.

[17:50] All right.

[17:51] Next year in Jerusalem to wean.

[17:54] Be quieter with your Judaism.

[17:56] We're peaking.

[17:56] Sorry, I'm peaking.

[17:57] I'll move my microphone farther away.

[17:59] I'm just so loudly Jewish, I can't help it.

[18:01] But it seems like the Oscar montage of this year,

[18:05] I don't know that they were that much harder to put together

[18:08] because I'm sure they just used screeners sent out from the studios.

[18:11] I don't even think that.

[18:12] They're like electronic press kits.

[18:14] Oh, yeah, that's true.

[18:15] They're strung together.

[18:16] EPK, as we call them.

[18:17] And then there was that one at the end where it was like,

[18:20] here's the reader, and now here's the graduate,

[18:22] and here's another movie about an older girl and a young guy,

[18:26] and here's some Holocaust movies.

[18:27] like the idea that like movies remind us of other movies so let's show you some i mean not not to

[18:33] defend the reader unnecessarily like i think stewart loves a reader every single thing they

[18:38] showed about it like highlighted the elements of the movie that i felt were the least interesting

[18:43] like the holocaust angle and the older woman with a younger man i felt those two things were like

[18:48] easily the least interesting elements of the reader and yet but those are the most the most

[18:52] easily explainable and

[18:54] graspable and

[18:55] describable I mean the

[18:57] fact also that every

[18:58] movie seems to be being

[18:59] sold right now as a

[19:00] thriller the readers

[19:01] being described as a

[19:02] thriller it's not

[19:03] Benjamin Button's being

[19:04] just being made to look

[19:05] like a thriller and it's

[19:06] commercials make the

[19:07] least

[19:07] getting older or

[19:08] younger you'll never

[19:09] know until

[19:10] well that was the funny

[19:11] thing

[19:11] we're like

[19:12] who's that baby is it

[19:13] Benjamin Button

[19:14] Will Smith

[19:16] Benjamin Baby

[19:17] and he does this whole

[19:19] long speech about action

[19:20] films because he's

[19:21] introducing the

[19:22] the visual effects awards and then there's um only three things nominated and one of them is

[19:28] the curious case of benjamin button an action film yeah not an inaction film there's so much

[19:34] action in it they like it's older there are times watching watch there are times watching benjamin

[19:40] button where it feels like a tarkovsky movie or like a matthew barney movie like just like things

[19:46] moving slowly at least matthew barney has that that horse race in craymaster 3 with the dead

[19:51] horses running whatever you guys are yeah we've watched the entire promester cycle those are you

[19:57] guys obviously weren't with me and my friend brock the day we went to guggenheim and watched all the

[20:02] cray master movies in a row it was great how long was that it's about seven to nine hours i think

[20:07] oh it's way more than seven it's about nine hours i think uh anyway you guys don't want to come with

[20:10] me when the film forum runs the human condition trilogy again all in one day i roll my 10 hours

[20:15] of film i roll my eyes but then i remember that stewart wins all of the lord of the ring movies

[20:19] back-to-back in their extended cut.

[20:21] In the theater, yeah, it was pretty good.

[20:23] I'd do it again, too.

[20:24] But, okay, I guess...

[20:27] I heard a lot of complaints at work today

[20:29] about the Oscars that it was, like, too cheesy,

[20:30] which I feel is not...

[20:33] Like, these actors think

[20:35] they're so important. They talk about this

[20:36] as if it matters, and it's like, well, it's an award show

[20:39] for movies. Like, you might as well talk about it

[20:41] as if it matters. I mean, it was a very

[20:42] actor-focused Oscars.

[20:45] Yeah. The way they had to, like,

[20:46] celebrate every performance, I think.

[20:49] But it's, I mean, like, I like a certain amount of Hollywood glamour.

[20:53] Like, I wouldn't have liked it if it was a super stripped-down Oscars

[20:56] where they just gave out awards and didn't do anything.

[20:58] I feel like there's a mixed bag this year for that reason.

[21:00] Yeah, I mean, if you don't like watching actors celebrating themselves,

[21:03] well, no one's fucking Oscars.

[21:05] Well, yeah, exactly.

[21:05] Well, that said, I did like that they seemed to be making a stab

[21:10] at, you know, honoring writing a little bit more.

[21:13] For a moment, I imagined the Crypt Keeper co-hosting this podcast.

[21:17] They did make a stab at honoring biting.

[21:21] A little gore.

[21:25] We're going to do that someday.

[21:26] Just in character.

[21:27] One of us is going to be the Crypt Keeper for an entire episode.

[21:30] That'd be awesome.

[21:32] I'll stay out of that one.

[21:33] When Stuart's away, we'll do me and you, Dan, and the Crypt Keeper hosting an episode.

[21:42] But, no, I thought that the Tina Fey, Steve Martin thing where they actually showed the script pages was kind of nice.

[21:49] The only problem with that, though, it was a good idea, was that the clips they showed, in at least two of them, the actors were not on book.

[21:56] They were changing the wordings of the script as it was shown on screen.

[21:59] Right.

[22:00] So it was like, without the script, we could never make a movie.

[22:04] The script is everything.

[22:06] Now watch some actors have their way with the script and change the way.

[22:10] like before we can say that's all you got a writer has to sit down and write is this the

[22:16] amount that you have and only this you know like it's well but i mean without a baseline to work

[22:21] off of we can assume that in a lot of those cases the writer was on set rewriting i would just i

[22:27] would just say pick pick like do the work of picking an example where the words on screen

[22:31] match what's being said right but in theory it was nice it was a nice idea that's true they're

[22:37] showing that these movies don't just appear out of nowhere that someone actually wrote them you

[22:42] know and writers by all accounts get almost no respect and they end i never have they never have

[22:48] gotten any respect what right that's contrarian stewart but i mean that's the it was it was a

[22:54] nice idea that they said like writing is important you know as opposed to maybe maybe that was in the

[22:59] guild settlement like you guys don't get any new media shares but we will say writing is important

[23:03] at the Oscars. I thought that was a neat idea

[23:05] showing, like, reading out the

[23:07] descriptions. I just wish it was

[23:09] it matched what was on screen. I liked all the music.

[23:12] Did you? Even when

[23:13] it was playing when people were talking?

[23:14] Yeah, I was gonna

[23:16] say, I actually did like the

[23:19] smaller

[23:20] jazz combo, but

[23:23] it was very strange when it was

[23:25] Sarah Jessica Parker and

[23:27] Daniel Craig. Without makeup, we

[23:29] wouldn't have dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun

[23:32] There's like a really fast jazz tune in the background.

[23:35] It just seems like someone left the radio on.

[23:37] I thought, though, Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig.

[23:40] Someone matched those two up in a film.

[23:42] Chemistry.

[23:43] Sex and the City 3.

[23:45] Bond and the City?

[23:46] I like it.

[23:47] Sex and the James Bond?

[23:48] Done.

[23:49] If Jon Hamm and Tina Fey can appear on screen together,

[23:51] then Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker.

[23:54] What's her old age thing?

[23:56] Ah, well, there's a...

[23:58] That's my Sarah Jessica Parker.

[24:00] Oh, my God.

[24:02] I thought she was in the room.

[24:02] She sounds like a barn owl.

[24:04] I would have just remained.

[24:05] Ouch.

[24:07] Wow.

[24:07] I'm not making fun of her appearance.

[24:09] Yikes.

[24:09] Oh, shh.

[24:10] Wow.

[24:11] I was just going to say that Matthew Broderick looks really old.

[24:13] That's terrible.

[24:16] I'd really like to see a remake of Ferris Bueller's Day Off with old Matthew Broderick.

[24:22] Why would they do that?

[24:23] Playing what?

[24:24] The principal?

[24:24] No, playing Ferris Bueller.

[24:26] Why would you do that?

[24:27] It'd be hilarious.

[24:28] It doesn't make any sense, though.

[24:30] I mean, I guarantee you.

[24:34] I'm imagining the end where he's running through all those yards.

[24:37] I'm so tired.

[24:39] Can't leap over these hedges the way I used to.

[24:42] I mean, I imagine Zac Efron will be in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, the remake, pretty soon.

[24:46] Sure were a lot of kids at the Oscars this year.

[24:51] Well, people get younger.

[24:52] Jack Nicholson can't be there all the time.

[24:54] Ted Kennedy's in the hospital, right?

[24:56] Oscars mainstay Ted Kennedy.

[25:00] And Roy Scheider died, so he couldn't be in the movie this year.

[25:03] Well, I mean, you either had kids or you had...

[25:06] Oh, man, every year, I'm trying to Roy Scheider.

[25:10] You either had kids or you had Sophia Loren rising her dusty bones from the grave

[25:15] to appear on stage in some sort of Miss Havisham wedding dress.

[25:19] She's taking some shots off and fighting the fucking Thundercats.

[25:22] She's going to die next week, and you're going to feel so bad.

[25:25] I will feel... I have always had such a crush on her.

[25:28] But if you see the movie The Millionaires, she is so hot in that.

[25:31] And it just makes me wish I was around in the 60s to masturbate to her when she was young.

[25:37] I'm glad that you went there.

[25:39] Listen, I'm not going to pull punches, but it goes to Sophia Loren.

[25:42] No, no, no.

[25:44] I'm just glad that you're honest about your fantasy.

[25:46] You're fantasizing about being alive back then, but you're fantasizing about masturbating to her.

[25:51] Not that you met her.

[25:53] I know I don't have a chance with Sophia Loren.

[25:54] Exactly.

[25:55] Come on.

[25:55] Peter Sellers didn't have a chance with her.

[25:57] I certainly don't.

[25:58] I mean, you know, I'm the first one to acknowledge the beauties of Oscar past, you know.

[26:02] But I will also make fun of them when they get older.

[26:04] Eva Marie Saint has aged also, but she has aged in a classy way, you know.

[26:09] Like Meryl Streep, kind of.

[26:10] Well, Meryl Streep is not anywhere near as old as Sophia Loren or Eva Marie Saint.

[26:14] I mean, she's older than us.

[26:16] She's like 60, isn't she?

[26:17] No, she's aging well into, you know, and she's finding the roles that Meryl Streep can find at that age, you know.

[26:24] Did she bring her, like, daughter or something?

[26:27] A lot of people brought their kids, it looked like.

[26:29] And Anne Hathaway brought her dad.

[26:30] Your best friend, Anne Hathaway.

[26:31] My best friend, Anne Hathaway.

[26:33] We're not going to make fun of the way people's daughters look, right?

[26:35] I mean, we shouldn't.

[26:36] Okay.

[26:36] Wait, were you going to make fun of the way Meryl Streep's daughter looked?

[26:40] No.

[26:41] I thought she looked cute.

[26:43] No, she looked okay.

[26:44] Anyhoo, should we talk about the awards or should we keep talking about it?

[26:49] Wait, if you were going to the Oscars, would you bring your dad or your daughter?

[26:53] I'd bring my girlfriend.

[26:54] Oh, really?

[26:56] I'd probably bring my wife.

[26:57] I'd bring my dad.

[26:59] I would love to.

[27:01] I owe it to the guy.

[27:02] I don't know your dad, but I imagine the two of you just carousing around the Oscars,

[27:05] big mustaches, beer in your hand.

[27:08] He would spend the whole time very upset that he's out of the house.

[27:12] He would be upset that it's crowded, any waiting in lines that he would have to do.

[27:18] Oh, that sounds like me at the Oscars.

[27:19] Sounds like me everywhere.

[27:22] So, let's actually talk about who won things.

[27:25] If I went to the Oscars, I think some people might mistake me for Seth Rogen.

[27:29] That's why I have this mustache.

[27:31] They'd mistake you for the Rogen Brolin clone that broke out of the lab somehow.

[27:35] Let's get to the Oscars to kill.

[27:39] Rogue Bro's broken loose.

[27:41] The humor of Rogen.

[27:42] The shock collar's not working.

[27:44] The acting chops of Brolin, finally.

[27:46] That was one, and maybe segueing into the awards, I don't know.

[27:49] One of the sad things for me was I thought Heath Ledger deserved Best Supporting Actor so much,

[27:53] but I wish that they could have given one to Josh Brolin also.

[27:57] He got the Golden Globe, that's worth having.

[28:00] Oh, he got the Golden Globe, oh.

[28:02] Because I thought he was so good in Milk.

[28:04] We talked about that before, I guess.

[28:05] He's got plenty of years to make good.

[28:06] I thought that he had performances.

[28:07] That's true.

[28:07] Keith Ledger got the Golden Globe, too.

[28:09] No, Josh Brolin did.

[28:11] Really?

[28:12] Yeah.

[28:12] Keith Ledger got nothing.

[28:13] Keith Ledger got nothing last night, too.

[28:16] His performance is the jokester.

[28:19] His performance is the jester.

[28:23] That was the number of times that they said Joker in the ceremony.

[28:25] I thought it was funny.

[28:26] Movies can show you an old man growing young again

[28:29] or some crazy Joker bringing chaos to...

[28:32] That's my Will Smith for some reason.

[28:33] Sounds like the Pepperidge Farm guy.

[28:35] Just hearing them say Joker and, like, Gotham City...

[28:38] Joker's running amok in Gotham City again.

[28:41] Like, it's sad a little bit to me how much of a thrill I still get from...

[28:46] Even though a movie like Dark Knight doesn't get nominated for anything,

[28:48] they cannot ignore it at the Oscars.

[28:51] Like, they still have to mention it.

[28:52] And at the end of Hugh Jackman's song when he yells, I'm Wolverine!

[28:55] I thought that was very funny.

[28:56] It was good.

[28:57] I was really disappointed that Will Smith was the one who had the presentation about action movies

[29:02] and not my favorite current action movie star, Nicolas Cage.

[29:05] Maybe his hair didn't pass muster.

[29:09] And he got a Best Actor.

[29:12] Yeah, for leaving Las Vegas.

[29:13] How come he wasn't in that group of guys?

[29:15] Maybe he wasn't available.

[29:16] There are literally dozens of Best Actor winners.

[29:20] There are only five on stage.

[29:21] There's a couple of really crazy guys up there, too.

[29:23] Like, Anthony Hopkins seemed crazy.

[29:24] He is crazy.

[29:25] Well, that's what I loved is when they say to Frank Langella,

[29:28] your portrayal of Richard Nixon blew every other one away,

[29:32] and Anthony Hopkins is right there on stage.

[29:35] I wish they had cut to Anthony Hopkins, like, rolling his eyes or something.

[29:38] And then to Philip Baker Hall at home, rolling his eyes.

[29:42] Yeah.

[29:42] They have a camera set up.

[29:44] Well, you saw Secret Honor.

[29:46] He's got cameras everywhere.

[29:47] There's a nanny cam at Philip Baker Hall's house.

[29:50] There he is.

[29:53] He's not even watching the Oscars.

[29:55] And then what's the name of the guy who played...

[29:56] He's watching that show.

[29:57] What was the show that you guys were watching during the commercial break?

[30:00] 100 Most Outrageous Home Video Moments.

[30:02] That was the best.

[30:03] All we saw was wedding cakes falling over, one after the other.

[30:06] And then the voiceover narrator goes,

[30:08] Here's our favorite cake-based mishap.

[30:11] It's like, why do you have to have a favorite in that category of cake-based mishaps?

[30:17] I imagine him sitting at home on the kitchen table writing out a list.

[30:21] Like, oh, no, that's number three.

[30:22] That was either NBC or CBS.

[30:24] One of the other networks had that, and I loved it.

[30:27] Like, oh, the Oscars are on.

[30:28] There's only one thing that can top it.

[30:30] Outrageous Home Videos 2.

[30:32] You would recommend seeking that show out if they rebroadcast it.

[30:36] I would love that show.

[30:38] The thing is, there's crazy home video shows.

[30:40] I've noticed them a lot more often lately.

[30:43] Well, they're cheap to make.

[30:45] But the thing is, I would have thought YouTube would have completely invalidated it.

[30:49] No, no.

[30:50] If you want to see a waggy home video, just put a dial up to the Webernet.

[30:54] I'll tell you what YouTube doesn't have.

[30:59] One, you've got to find them.

[31:00] And two, it doesn't have boom.

[31:02] Oh, that wasn't what I meant to do.

[31:04] You know, like the sound effects and the crappy cartoon voice.

[31:07] That was my favorite thing as a kid was watching America's Funniest Home Videos and be like,

[31:11] Oh, I hope I don't fall off this chair.

[31:14] Boom.

[31:15] I fell off the chair.

[31:16] I hope I don't get hit in the nuts.

[31:18] Oh, my nuts are so tender.

[31:20] I hope I don't get hit in them.

[31:21] Oh!

[31:22] That makes it more interactive.

[31:24] What you do is you go out and you buy from a morning show, a radio morning show, a used

[31:29] sound effects machine.

[31:30] Oh, okay.

[31:30] And you send it home and add to your sound effects.

[31:32] You get your Hanna-Barbera sound effects CDs.

[31:35] Woo!

[31:36] From your Laugh Olympics DVD.

[31:39] Oh, is that finally out on DVD?

[31:42] Good.

[31:42] It is.

[31:43] It flew right actually.

[31:44] Blu-ray, so you can see all the dirt on the cells when they came from Korea and didn't get cleaned off.

[31:49] Is that different from the Animal Olympics?

[31:51] Come on. Come on, man.

[31:53] You might as well get mixed up with wacky racers.

[31:56] Anyway, if we can be serious for a moment.

[31:59] Someone ruined that.

[32:01] Are we talking about any winners or losers?

[32:02] Well, we talked...

[32:03] Or are they all winners?

[32:04] No, many of them are losers.

[32:06] I haven't cared less about who wins the Oscars in many a year.

[32:11] This is the first time – I cared about some of them, but many of them I just wanted certain ones not to win out of spite.

[32:16] Right.

[32:17] But even there –

[32:18] Like a WALL-E movie.

[32:19] No, well, WALL-E –

[32:20] But even there, it's not like when Crash won and I was furious.

[32:24] Here, like Slumdog Millionaire –

[32:27] Here, Slumdog Millionaire won, and I'm just sort of like, well, I wouldn't have gone that way.

[32:34] It was not – because it was an inoffensive choice.

[32:36] It was not like A Beautiful Mind or Crash or, you know, what else recently?

[32:41] Gladiator, you know.

[32:43] Chicago.

[32:43] Chicago, where there's no way you can argue that that was the best movie.

[32:47] Like Slumdog Millionaire, a lot of people liked it.

[32:48] It wasn't bad.

[32:49] It was, you know, it had things going for it.

[32:52] Was it the best movie of the year?

[32:53] No, but it was not.

[32:54] Like The Reader didn't win.

[32:55] Sorry, Stuart, which would have made me mad.

[32:57] Benjamin Button didn't win, which would have made me mad.

[32:59] Well, yeah, The Reader's not going to win because it wasn't the best picture.

[33:01] Clearly, we'll admit that I think Slumdog Millionaire is better put together,

[33:06] but there isn't enough about Slumdog Millionaire that I really like.

[33:09] No, me either. I wouldn't call it that either.

[33:12] That's a nice package. That's well put together.

[33:15] But the reader, there's bits of it that I like a lot,

[33:18] but then a lot of it that was like, eh, whatever, or that was stupid.

[33:22] But it was not a year of passion for the Oscars.

[33:26] Yeah, I mean, I really would have liked to see Milk win.

[33:29] That sort of was just out of my top five.

[33:33] But I thought, but Sean Penn winning for best actor for Milk was great.

[33:36] Sure.

[33:37] I thought, I would have been, that was not your choice, but I would have been disappointed if anyone else had won that.

[33:42] Who did, do you want Frank Langella?

[33:43] I like Frank Langella.

[33:44] But like, if Mickey Rourke had won that, I read, I was reading somewhere online, they're saying like, Sean Penn made himself into a character.

[33:52] Like, and what people were saying at work was like, I didn't realize how good a job he did in Milk until he started talking at the Oscars and I realized how much I hate him and how likable he was in Milk.

[34:00] Like, he made himself into this upbeat, likable person,

[34:03] whereas Mickey Rourke and the wrestler got a lot of notes

[34:05] for not really doing anything that different from...

[34:09] Being himself.

[34:10] Yeah, it's not that different than, like, Jean-Claude Van Damme in JCVD, yeah.

[34:16] Yeah, I haven't seen it, so I can't judge,

[34:18] but I was rooting for him just because I wanted to see the awards speech

[34:22] that Mickey Rourke would have given.

[34:23] I think that would have really spiced up the ceremony.

[34:25] I think it would have been weird.

[34:27] You know, before she interviews Mickey Rourke,

[34:30] They're going through, like, a list of his career, and they're talking about, like, the high points.

[34:33] And then when they start on the downward slide, they're like,

[34:36] and there's Wild Orchid, and Nine and a Half Weeks, and what's the, Angel Heart.

[34:43] Like, okay, fine.

[34:45] But Angel Heart, it wasn't like, it's not that bad.

[34:48] And none of those movies are, none of them are great, but they're not.

[34:52] Like, a downward slide is if he was doing, if he was like.

[34:55] Well, it's not like he's Tom Sizemore doing internet pornography, you know.

[35:00] But then again, he did make Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man.

[35:03] Which was when he started on his opera.

[35:05] But it's like, I didn't like the idea, this comeback idea of like,

[35:11] oh, it's the comeback kid, like, oh, finally, he's rising from the ashes, Mickey Rourke.

[35:15] Like, there are better actors that have failed worse,

[35:18] and there have been bigger comebacks, and, you know, acting careers have ups and downs.

[35:22] That's what, like, Burt Reynolds' career has ups and downs.

[35:24] I mean, like, his performance in Sin City was really good.

[35:27] If anything was his comeback, Sin City was his comeback.

[35:30] Yeah, because he was great in that.

[35:31] And it was his first major release in a long time.

[35:33] But I didn't like when the five actors came out and they're like,

[35:38] Mickey, you've been up, you've been down, whatever he said.

[35:42] You're back now.

[35:43] It felt like, I was saying yesterday, it felt like Top Chef or something

[35:47] where they're like, Carla, you have the craft,

[35:51] but you didn't bring the taste on this one.

[35:53] Jeff, you're spreading yourself too thin.

[35:55] Three mediocre dishes, but no great dishes.

[35:58] I think that would have been great, actually,

[36:00] if they all came out and critiqued all of the...

[36:04] And critiqued their careers, though.

[36:06] I don't like it.

[36:07] I don't need them to inject any more drama

[36:09] into an awards ceremony for actors making dramatic films.

[36:13] Instead of giving out Oscars,

[36:14] they hand out roses to everyone who gets an Oscar.

[36:17] Or here's Emeril's new book, Mickey Rourke.

[36:20] Now you can cook New Orleans.

[36:22] But film is such a...

[36:24] It's a cowboy hat.

[36:25] You know, the sex bus.

[36:28] Film is about constructing emotional experiences.

[36:34] So, like, the Oscars, they shouldn't be doing the same thing, I feel like.

[36:39] If there's a real emotional experience that comes out of it, then that's great.

[36:43] But, you know, you shouldn't be pushing it that hard.

[36:45] Well, there's, like, this whole story.

[36:47] Whoever wins is the best, but you also have the most story riding on you.

[36:53] It was very American Idol-y feeling.

[36:54] Well, also there was this whole sort of story ahead of time that this year the Oscars would tell a story.

[37:00] Yeah, well, they told the story of a movie being made.

[37:02] Yeah, is that really what it was?

[37:04] Well, because they were like, the writer writes down, then it's up to these people.

[37:07] Now it's the post-production phase.

[37:09] I see, that's why.

[37:10] But there's one person we didn't mention, the director.

[37:13] See?

[37:13] These guys got to keep all this crazy shit on.

[37:15] I wish it ended.

[37:16] You somehow got that, whereas I was like, there's no narrative to this.

[37:20] I wish the Oscars ended with an egg cracking open and a movie coming out of it.

[37:25] More like a film reel with sexy legs.

[37:28] Exactly, yes.

[37:29] A film reel with sexy legs coming out of an egg.

[37:32] It's the weirdest thing since, I don't know what.

[37:36] Somebody, some Flophouse fan, please mock that up.

[37:39] I don't have a sash that says 2009.

[37:41] Movies 2009.

[37:43] But were there any awards that you guys were really pissed off about?

[37:46] Visual effects and Benjamin Button.

[37:49] Yeah, that was lame.

[37:50] Yeah, I haven't seen Benjamin Button, but just what I have seen in clips,

[37:54] I was like, well, this looks like a weird CGI fest.

[37:58] That's one of those things that makes me wonder if,

[38:00] when George Lucas and Steven Spielberg were talking about Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,

[38:03] they were like, it looks great.

[38:04] It looks real, just like we made it in the 80s.

[38:07] And I think that their eyes maybe aren't trained the same way to see CGI.

[38:12] Like when people used to watch stop-motion animated films,

[38:16] And they were like, it's so real.

[38:18] They found footage of real dinosaurs.

[38:19] You know, like they couldn't quite see the fakeness of it the same way.

[38:25] I wonder if like older viewers, their eyes are not trained to see CGI the way that when I watch Blu-ray movies,

[38:33] they look a little weird to me because of the crispness of the image.

[38:37] Because of the crispness of the image, they look weird to me because I'm so used to watching videotape.

[38:43] You're blaming all the yes-men that surround George Lucas.

[38:45] Well, I am blaming them.

[38:48] But I wonder if older effects people watch Benjamin Button and were like,

[38:52] it's seamless.

[38:53] How did they do it?

[38:55] Whereas when we watch it, we're like, oh, CGI, put his face on someone else's body,

[38:58] fake boat, fake bullets.

[39:00] Oh, now it's a fake building.

[39:02] Camera flies through fake town.

[39:03] And this one, he's just standing on his knees.

[39:06] Green screen, blue screen, screen screen.

[39:09] Like a trench.

[39:11] Dan, you brought this up in a number of conversations,

[39:13] but I think why I was rooting for Dark Knight

[39:16] is not just because Dark Knight is a scary movie,

[39:18] but the visual effects.

[39:21] They made such an effort to do it all physically.

[39:24] Yeah, they flipped a fucking 18-wheeler.

[39:27] That's so much to me as like...

[39:29] Maybe it's just our generation,

[39:31] the fact that we like it when somebody makes a fucking effort

[39:35] to make a fucking cool puppet or something out of it.

[39:39] Well, the same way that, you know.

[39:40] Like that Heath Ledger puppet.

[39:41] Oh, sad.

[39:43] The Heath Ledger.

[39:44] Oh, I'm not even going to say it.

[39:45] That's horrifying.

[39:46] And I thought it was weird.

[39:48] Heath Ledger's sister looked far too excited to be up at the podium in the Oscars.

[39:52] Celebrating her.

[39:53] Maybe.

[39:54] Well, it was weird looking.

[39:56] I mean, you know, it was a touching moment.

[39:58] But on the other hand, all I could think of was, like, I was mentally merging the parents together.

[40:03] To make Heath Ledger.

[40:04] That's right.

[40:06] They look like they could make Heath Ledger.

[40:08] So until that moment, you were doubting they were actually the parents.

[40:10] Exactly.

[40:11] Speaking of parents, the best shot of the night was when Kate Winslet thanked her dad,

[40:15] and they cut to her dad wearing this, like, black The Shadow hat in the background

[40:20] and smiling like, you know, a villain.

[40:22] It looks like he just fucking come back from solving the movie on a mummy's tomb or something.

[40:27] He dropped in on, he parachuted into the stadium, to the arena or whatever, auditorium.

[40:36] He was lightning fast on that whistle, too.

[40:38] which you could hear across the theater.

[40:40] Yeah, well, you know, he probably herds sheep or something in New Zealand.

[40:42] Exactly.

[40:43] He just does that.

[40:44] But it was like this great moment of like,

[40:47] oh, Kate Winslet's dad is a character.

[40:48] That's great.

[40:50] Oh, hang out with that guy.

[40:51] Like Anne Hathaway's dad.

[40:53] I forget what the Hathaways do,

[40:54] but Anne Hathaway's dad looks like a retired naval officer.

[40:57] Come on, your buddy Anne Hathaway?

[40:58] I'm not that close.

[40:59] Your best friend.

[41:00] I mean, I'll ask my mom what her dad does for a living.

[41:02] Oh, the Hathaways, honey.

[41:04] And I thought Anne Hathaway was very good in the opening number also.

[41:07] Yeah, I do feel like she's been auditioning for a musical

[41:11] that no one has written yet over the last several weeks.

[41:14] Well, maybe she'll be in the movie Spring Awakening or something.

[41:16] Because she was singing this, she was singing all the time,

[41:19] and when she was hosting Saturday Night Live.

[41:21] But that's fine, because I like musicals.

[41:23] Maybe she'll finally have that musical number in Rachel Getting Buried,

[41:26] the sequel I've been pitching to Rachel Getting Married.

[41:29] It's a funeral movie.

[41:30] Rachel Getting Buried Alive.

[41:36] And the horror film is Rachel Getting Scaried.

[41:38] Or the thriller would be Rachel Getting Hairied.

[41:41] Or the werewolf movie.

[41:43] Yeah, Rachel Getting Hairied.

[41:45] Rachel Getting Tarried.

[41:47] You're listening to a Mad TV pitch meeting.

[41:51] A pitch meeting for a show that went off the air.

[41:54] You're listening to a late night with Conan O'Brien pitch meeting.

[41:58] Well, I think that probably the Mad TV writers get together still every week to pitch things.

[42:04] To pitch sketches.

[42:05] all right, this character's annoying in this way.

[42:07] To stave off the pain.

[42:09] How can we make this sketch a little more conservative, guys?

[42:12] So the interesting thing about going with Anne Hathaway, though,

[42:17] was like Amy Adams was like right there,

[42:20] and she's done a lot of musical shit, right?

[42:22] I wonder if she was annoyed.

[42:23] Maybe she was like, man, I should have been up there

[42:26] with the sexiest man in the universe.

[42:28] What do you think?

[42:29] I wish I was up there singing with the old knucklehead.

[42:31] Logan himself.

[42:32] That's what he does.

[42:33] That's what he is.

[42:34] One of you guys isn't very nice?

[42:37] Yeah, that's true.

[42:37] Anne Hathaway for a moment was Hugh Jackman's Jubilee.

[42:40] Or Shadow Cat.

[42:42] Maybe Amy Adams is trying to shed the musical image.

[42:44] Who won for Best Supporting Actress?

[42:46] Penelope Cruz.

[42:47] Penelope Cruz, that's right.

[42:48] Okay.

[42:48] I haven't seen that yet, but I'd like to see it.

[42:50] Although, like, they were kind of pitching that as, like, Woody Allen's comeback movie.

[42:54] But I kind of thought Match Point was.

[42:55] Every movie is kind of Woody Allen's comeback movie.

[42:57] Because his next movie is usually not very good.

[43:00] A turn?

[43:00] Because then he did...

[43:01] You did that as if you were a wealthy dowager

[43:05] Who had just been informed that there was a turd

[43:08] Somewhere in the house

[43:09] A turd

[43:11] Or Margaret Dumont

[43:18] Or Margaret Dumont

[43:19] Rich Little doing Margaret Dumont

[43:22] As Jimmy Carter

[43:23] Rich Little's obscure impressions

[43:26] Obscure impressions cavalcade

[43:29] now oh here's another marks brother's favorite here's sig rumen oh i don't think the opera

[43:35] should do that oh here for everybody's favorite it's eugene pallet give me back my mutton leg

[43:43] it's from the adventures of robin hood oh who's this nat pendleton yeah all right nick i'll leave

[43:50] you this time it's from the thin man wow this room's getting crowded with all these people

[43:56] why who's that over there wait i wish you have a bit by a dead bee oh mr brennan please

[44:02] yeah i think so um yeah so

[44:08] i'm jack nick i haven't seen it yet my girlfriend liked it a lot and i'd like to see it

[44:16] she went without me because i was busy that night because she wanted a night alone with

[44:20] javier barden no she went with a friend of hers and well wait in that movie doesn't her friends

[44:25] her friend Javier Bardem.

[44:27] So it was kind of like

[44:30] a night alone. Yeah, he only went to the movies,

[44:32] he rented out the theater, they made love.

[44:33] Did you do the popcorn trick?

[44:34] Here's the problem. We've talked about the popcorn trick.

[44:38] How do you get your dick and the popcorn

[44:40] in? Either the bucket's full of popcorn

[44:42] so you cut a hole open, the popcorn drains

[44:44] out while you're putting your dick in, or

[44:45] you cut the hole, you're walking around with the

[44:48] popcorn box on your dick, and then they have to fill

[44:50] hot popcorn on your penis.

[44:51] How are you going to stay erect?

[44:53] That trick does not work.

[44:55] It's clearly, he zips his pants.

[44:58] He gets really horny because he's close to the girl smelling in her female smells.

[45:03] He gets an instant boner that's so forceful.

[45:06] Oh, it pops through.

[45:07] I think this is the same conversation.

[45:08] What was the name of, oh, Feeling Up.

[45:10] That was the name of the movie that we came up with.

[45:12] It was entirely about that.

[45:13] Based loosely on the big sausage pizza.

[45:16] I don't remember ordering a sausage with a penis in it.

[45:20] Apparently that was Mickey Rourke's big scene in Diner was the popcorn scene.

[45:24] Was it?

[45:25] They did that exact prank, so it all comes back to the Oscars.

[45:28] I don't remember Diner that well.

[45:29] Anyway, should that wrap up our Oscars talk?

[45:31] Yeah, let's move on.

[45:34] We've been talking for a while.

[45:35] I'm going to run through some letters very quickly.

[45:37] Number one, from Matt, last name withheld.

[45:40] The Swing Vote installment was an excellent show.

[45:43] Stewart was sorely missed as the sarcastic subwoofer

[45:45] to Elliot's Trivia Camp tweeter and Dan's normal vocal range.

[45:50] Hey, wait a minute.

[45:51] I'm a baritone.

[45:52] It's just that Stewart is so low.

[45:54] And I'm apparently only high-pitched enough that dogs can hear.

[45:58] Yeah.

[45:58] But Mr. Hines did a nice job of bringing it,

[46:02] even though he didn't do a very good job of mentioning breasts.

[46:05] And both Dan and Will managed to keep Elliot's endless list.

[46:08] Yeah, Stuart, you've been falling down on the job this time, too.

[46:11] Go Leon's breasts look weird.

[46:13] Okay, what about Sophia Lorenz?

[46:14] I was kind of scared.

[46:16] What about Sarah Jessica Parkers?

[46:18] Yeah, not Sophia Lorenz.

[46:20] Were you as disappointed as I am that Jessica Biel was showing very little?

[46:24] Yeah, what the fuck was she wearing?

[46:25] She was wearing, like, a towel made out of silk wrapped around her.

[46:27] Yeah, what the fuck?

[46:28] Anyway.

[46:29] Anyway.

[46:30] And both Dan and Will managed to keep Elliot's endless list to a reasonable length,

[46:34] stopping him before he reached scrotin' scrotables and slurpin' gulpables.

[46:39] Those are pretty good.

[46:40] Thank you for continuing to prove that young white men are not obsolete.

[46:43] And he says...

[46:45] It's a weird one.

[46:46] It's a strange comment.

[46:48] Matt, last name with L.

[46:49] P-S-S-S.

[46:51] Nude pics, please.

[46:53] So, there you go.

[46:54] Nice.

[46:54] I'll get right on it.

[46:55] So, we've got one from Carl, last name withheld.

[46:59] People of the Flophouse, long-time listener, first-time caller.

[47:02] In fact, I'm listening to your latest podcast as I write this.

[47:05] You're babbling about goats and it's weird, but that's why I tune in.

[47:08] To kind of half-listen while I do other stuff.

[47:10] Oh, the highest compliment.

[47:12] You guys got into an argument a few minutes ago in my frame of reference, I mean.

[47:16] So, he's live-blogging the show to us.

[47:18] Exactly.

[47:19] Let me tell you what's going on in the Flophouse right now.

[47:22] Maybe a play-by-play on what you did last week.

[47:24] About how unbelievably dumb it would be not to know what pro-life meant.

[47:27] Word of God, my sister, 21 at the time, a Bible-thumping Republican,

[47:31] proudly voted for Al Gore in the 2000 election because, quote,

[47:35] he was the one who was pro-life or whatever, right?

[47:38] So in that respect, the movie wasn't as absurd as you suggest.

[47:42] Please do a movie set in the Middle Ages sometime soon.

[47:44] I have a medieval blog.

[47:46] I will link to it on the website.

[47:47] Maybe it's time to bring out Dungeon Siege in the name of the king.

[47:50] Yeah, I can promise you a featured article, which would almost certainly bring you six, maybe seven new listeners.

[47:55] Ooh.

[47:56] So there you go.

[47:58] That brings us up from two to eight, basically.

[48:01] That's pretty good.

[48:01] We will have more than trebled.

[48:03] Here from Colin, last name withheld.

[48:05] It's like we're getting only people from the Witness Protection Program.

[48:08] Sure.

[48:08] You have talked briefly about how the Academy more often than not gives the best picture Oscar to the wrong movie.

[48:13] Almost always.

[48:14] Goodness knows I've been disappointed time and time again by the nod towards, say,

[48:18] Dances with Wolves over Goodfellas or the English patient winning over Fargo.

[48:23] Given my prior success with multiple viewings of Robocop and Pump Up the Volume,

[48:27] I might have been able to sneak a copy of Goodfellas into the house

[48:30] when my parents were away somewhere, but it flew under my teenage radar for a few years.

[48:35] But going back, as far as you like...

[48:37] Goodfellas was unwatchable, but Robocop, I'll let my kids watch that.

[48:43] Well, it has a better message, you know.

[48:45] Yeah, a half-Robot Hoffman, all cop.

[48:47] Yeah, he's also got a heart.

[48:49] It's basically just the Tin Man updated.

[48:52] Curious to know if there are examples where you feel the Academy got it right

[48:55] and gave the best picture officer to the best film.

[48:57] We were talking about this.

[48:58] The one that both Elliot and I came up with immediately was The Apartment.

[49:02] The Apartment is maybe the best purely Hollywood film ever made.

[49:05] But also, I mean, you could say All Quiet on the Western Front has held up well.

[49:09] You could say that All About Eve is not one of my favorites,

[49:13] but you could make a good case for it.

[49:15] The same with, what else am I thinking of?

[49:17] I'm having trouble remembering some of the other ones.

[49:19] But there are movies that, like The Lost Weekend is a very good movie

[49:21] that I believe won Best Picture if I'm remembering it correctly.

[49:25] They're not always wrong, but they're just wrong most of the time.

[49:28] And many times the best movies are not nominated.

[49:30] You have the 50s through the ever is when things really got bad.

[49:35] Like in the 50s and 60s, the studios really learned how to game the system.

[49:39] So stuff like Greatest Show on Earth or Around the World in 80 Days

[49:43] would win, or like Dr. Doolittle would get

[49:45] nominated for Best Picture, and just

[49:47] garbage. So, um, but it's not

[49:49] always, there are times when it's right, but The Apartment is

[49:51] the main one. And, uh, he says he'd like

[49:53] to know our thoughts on Best Original Screenplay

[49:55] Awards, that with a few exceptions

[49:57] the nominations and winners have been a highlight

[49:59] for me more consistently than any other category.

[50:01] Points out that War Games was actually

[50:03] nominated for a Best Screenplay Oscar.

[50:05] I mean, Fargo won Best Original

[50:07] Screenplay, which goes a long way.

[50:09] Citizen Kane. Citizen Kane won Best Original

[50:11] screenplay uh elliot's not as big a fan as i but i was talking about eternal sunshine of the

[50:16] spotless mind i think that's a great screenplay pick i mean but the screenplay the thing about

[50:20] screenplay is it's though it seems to be the place where they kind of like can slip in sometimes yeah

[50:24] a movie that isn't necessarily especially in the nominees they can

[50:27] thank you well that is that would that be original or adapted that's the thing yeah that's adapted

[50:33] but like the fact that wally was nominated for best original screenplay is a really good

[50:38] thing you can't you almost feel like if it wasn't a screenwriting category it wouldn't have had a

[50:43] chance because you know the screenwriters at least at the very least they'll nominate things

[50:48] that aren't necessarily even if they're big movies they're necessarily the ones that win

[50:52] other awards and they do i mean i'm a guild member so i gotta stick up for screenwriters

[50:56] and say they do a good job all the time but on the other hand you also have to take on apprentices

[51:00] as a guild member yes well i have to i am i'm an apprentice so yeah i've blown off some part

[51:05] my hand unfortunately right in a screenwriting accident no i'm in an apprenticeship right now

[51:13] you should not put gunpowder in your typewriter so i do a lot i do a lot of like using an anvil

[51:18] and wearing a leather leather apron and but like that's for sexual reasons

[51:22] america get born not everything is like johnny tremaine but the uh but i think you're wrong

[51:30] and that Elliot, everything is, like, ready to remain.

[51:32] Even the screenwriters get taken in sometimes.

[51:34] Like, you have, like, Juno winning last year, which...

[51:36] It was amazing.

[51:37] Unless, as I've said before,

[51:39] Juno is a brilliant experiment

[51:42] in doing everything the opposite

[51:44] of how you're supposed to do it when you write a screenplay.

[51:46] In which case, it deserves the award

[51:49] for working to a certain extent

[51:50] while doing everything wrong that you could possibly do.

[51:53] Okay, I want to get one last letter in.

[51:55] Hello, Dan and Stuart and Elliot.

[51:56] Just listened to your Oscar.

[51:57] Hey, I like the way this one starts.

[51:59] Friendly-like.

[51:59] Oh, this is from Jen, last name withheld, who's a big fan.

[52:02] As opposed to these other letters, which are from jerks who hate us.

[52:07] Well, she's linked to us on her website a few times.

[52:11] We get some traffic from her.

[52:13] Her website, website withheld.

[52:14] I'll put a link up.

[52:15] Just listen to your Oscar movie minute.

[52:17] And I wanted to agree wholeheartedly with your mention of the disappointing lack of nomination for Chris Nolan as a director.

[52:23] I couldn't believe he got passed over for Ron Howard.

[52:25] But what surprised me even more is that I listened to a ton of film podcasts.

[52:29] I sit in front of the computer all day at work,

[52:31] so seriously, I listen to pretty much everyone with a microphone

[52:33] and a podcast and a film opinion.

[52:35] And of all the Oscar discussions I've heard so far,

[52:38] you're the only one that brought this up,

[52:39] so kudos for agreeing with me.

[52:41] I want to mention, I heard Battleship Pretension

[52:45] is another podcast that mentioned it,

[52:47] and I want to mention them because they're a lot more popular than us.

[52:51] What are they called?

[52:51] Battleship Pretension.

[52:53] That's a good title.

[52:53] That's a better title than The Flophouse.

[52:55] It's a play on a famous movie that no one's seen,

[52:58] And it kind of is self-mocking.

[53:00] It's a good show.

[53:01] I say that in the hopes that maybe they're listening and they'll plug us.

[53:06] They're too busy pretending they've seen Eisenstein films.

[53:08] On my new podcast, Alexander Nemsky.

[53:12] That's not even a pun.

[53:14] No, it's not.

[53:15] Not a pun at all.

[53:15] I couldn't think of anything that sounded like Nemsky.

[53:17] Also, if you're wondering to whom that WALL-E Peter Gabriel song could possibly appeal,

[53:21] I have the answer.

[53:23] My three-year-old daughter, Elizabeth.

[53:25] Oh, boo.

[53:26] Your daughter has terrible taste.

[53:28] She will provide her own...

[53:31] Play her some x-ray specs or something.

[53:32] Although, after hearing it sung by John Legend,

[53:36] I have to say the John Legend version

[53:39] was much better than the Petal Gabriel version.

[53:41] She will provide her own rendition of the song

[53:43] on endless repeat at top volume

[53:45] without anyone even asking her to.

[53:46] Oh, that's adorable.

[53:46] It's quite pleasant and peaceful, really.

[53:48] I can only conclude that the Academy voters

[53:51] all know young children who do the same thing

[53:53] and were brainwashed into voting for the song.

[53:55] Yeah, well, when I was a kid, I listened to fucking Kenny Loggins' tapes.

[53:59] I would fucking repeat all the time.

[54:01] Kids like stuff.

[54:03] That's pretty impressive for a three-year-old to sing a Peter Gabriel song.

[54:08] Well, what's weird is that she started with Beko.

[54:10] This is actually her second Peter Gabriel song.

[54:14] She's really concerned about South African issues.

[54:18] Well, that's true.

[54:20] I had forgotten, frankly, that WALL-E is so well-made that you forget it's a children's film to a certain extent.

[54:25] So it makes sense that they would have a song that maybe kids like

[54:28] because they don't have a fully formed sense of taste

[54:30] and don't know when songs are bad.

[54:33] But that kid sounds adorable.

[54:34] And I will say, I'm going to go out on a limb and say

[54:37] Christopher Nolan will be remembered as a great director at some point.

[54:40] I think what he's going to do is he'll pull the David Fincher thing

[54:43] where he makes a shitty movie that the Academy totally ignores

[54:47] and then he's going to make a crappy, really long movie.

[54:50] He's made a couple awesome movies now.

[54:53] Yeah, but same thing with David Fincher.

[54:55] Yeah, I guess.

[54:56] I'm not as big a fan of David Fincher.

[54:57] Alien 3?

[54:59] Listen, I'm not forgetting Alien 3.

[55:02] In your face.

[55:04] You're right.

[55:05] Okay, so I think next year Christopher Nolan will get Best Director for making, I don't know,

[55:11] Benjamin Button Part 4 or something.

[55:13] Because Part 2 and 3 will have also come out.

[55:15] Yeah.

[55:15] Even Button-er.

[55:17] Direct-to-DVD.

[55:18] So that's Stewart's dramatic prediction for next year.

[55:22] And what are you going to do if that prediction doesn't come true?

[55:24] Let me scry with my rune sticks.

[55:27] Hold on.

[55:29] Let me scrape this pork shoulder and read these entrails.

[55:33] I have Guy Ritchie for Sherlock Holmes.

[55:34] Interesting.

[55:35] Well, as Stuart concludes his infernal rites, I'm Dan McCoy.

[55:40] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[55:42] And I'm Elliot Galen, $115 richer because I won my Oscar pool at work.

[55:46] Good night.

[55:47] Good night.

[55:54] Should Stuart continue talking about cooch or what's a different subject?

[55:58] This is a wobbly table.

[56:01] Why are you leaning on it then?

[56:03] Oh, okay.

[56:04] I won't lean on the table.

[56:05] A piece of furniture made to have weight rested upon it.

[56:08] It's because it's old.

[56:09] We'll get a new table.

[56:10] You should get a new table.

[56:11] Maybe I'll get you one as a birthday present.

[56:12] Wouldn't you, birthday?

[56:13] Yeah, with your big Oscar pool winnings?

[56:16] You got that right.

[56:17] I could afford a table.

[56:18] I'm not guaranteeing it.

[56:24] But I'm not not guaranteeing it.

[56:25] So do we possibly have any writing?

[56:28] No, that would be...

[56:29] Is it because you like Capcom's little character in The Reader?

[56:32] No, it's not at all.

[56:35] Are you illiterate on this?

[56:36] I'm not illiterate.

Academy Awards Flopstacular 2009!

Transcript

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