The Flop House: Episode #33 - An American Carol

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this unedited edition of the Flophouse, we learn the error of our ways

[0:05] by watching the slapstick right-wing comedy, An American Carol.

[0:30] Hey, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:40] I'm Elliot Kalin. I don't need to say uh before my name.

[0:42] No, you don't, but you did.

[0:44] I didn't.

Stuart Wellington

[0:46] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[0:47] I don't like this. I'm Elliot Kalin so that it sounded like I was saying I'm.

[0:51] Yeah, no, that's pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[0:53] Tonight we watched a little film.

[0:56] Very little film.

[0:56] Yeah, sure. It was 80 minutes.

[0:58] 82 minutes.

[0:59] 82 minutes.

[1:00] Probably.

[1:00] Does that include the country music closing?

[1:02] 78 minutes with credits.

[1:04] Yeah.

[1:05] A film called An American Carol.

[1:08] As opposed to the French Carol and the German Carol.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13] Egyptian Carol.

[1:14] Yeah.

[1:14] Japanese Carol.

[1:15] Or my Aunt Carol.

[1:16] Lives in New Jersey.

[1:17] No, no kidding.

Dan McCoy

[1:19] It was a takeoff of the Charles Dickens Christmas story.

[1:24] Pickwick Papers.

[1:26] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27] Our mutual friend.

[1:29] In American Great Expectations.

[1:31] So, it was an homage to, what do you say, homage?

[1:37] What, to Christmas Carol?

[1:38] Yeah.

[1:39] That's a ripoff.

[1:39] It did the same thing that.

[1:40] So you wouldn't say homage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] The same way that sitcoms used to, every year around Christmas, do their Christmas Carol episode, where it'd be like, what if Urkel was never born?

[1:49] I guess we'll, you know, we'll have to find out.

[1:51] And now, that's a ripoff.

[1:52] And now, it's visited by four ghosts.

[1:53] That's their It's a Wonderful Life thing.

[1:54] Yeah, Urkel is visited by three ghosts.

Dan McCoy

[1:57] One of them played by Alf.

[1:58] And now, every year, the Republicans are going to do their version of A Christmas Carol.

[2:03] An American Carol.

[2:04] And their version of It's a Wonderful Life.

[2:07] And what else?

[2:08] It's an American life?

[2:09] Wait, would that work?

Elliott Kalan

[2:10] It's an American life?

[2:11] Yeah.

[2:12] Well, there's already This American Life.

Stuart Wellington

[2:16] Well, that's different enough.

Elliott Kalan

[2:17] Okay, I'll give you that.

[2:19] Or Life in These United States.

Stuart Wellington

[2:20] Wait, that This American Life thing, that's pretty Republican, right?

[2:23] No.

[2:25] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] Like all NPR programming, it is a heavy conservative bent.

[2:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] So, um.

[2:34] You want to kick us off, Dan?

[2:35] Give us, what's the back, what's the plot?

Elliott Kalan

[2:37] Should we talk about what the plot of it is?

Stuart Wellington

[2:38] Should we talk about why we watched this in the first place?

[2:41] I'm not sure there was a plot, but.

Elliott Kalan

[2:42] Well, there was a clear plot.

[2:44] Michael Malone, a thinly veiled Michael Moore parody, hates America and everything about

[2:49] America.

[2:50] Just the same way that everybody who's liberal hates America and hates wars and hates everything

[2:54] that makes America great, i.e. wars.

[2:57] And so, and he's also mean to his family.

[2:59] And he's not really mean, he's just kind of negligent to his.

[3:02] He's distant.

[3:03] To his nephew.

[3:04] Yeah, actually, it's just, they're not even estranged.

[3:05] They just don't talk that often.

[3:07] To his nephew who's in the Navy, and his nephew has a ton of disabled kids.

[3:11] Like seven of them or something.

[3:12] Because he's always shooting like half blanks in the sack.

[3:16] That's how that happens, right?

[3:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:18] Because there's something wrong with his semen?

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] Well, his sperm probably had a bent tail.

[3:21] Okay.

[3:21] But anyway.

Dan McCoy

[3:22] That was the subtle thing.

[3:23] That was the subtlety of this movie.

[3:24] They're saying that Republicans are right all the time.

[3:27] However, they give birth to defective children.

Elliott Kalan

[3:29] Yeah, which is why they're still Democrats.

[3:31] Yeah.

[3:31] But anyway, he wants to outlaw the 4th of July.

[3:36] Like you do if you're a Democrat.

[3:38] Sure.

[3:38] The ghost of John F. Kennedy, played by a very bad John F. Kennedy impersonator, steps through

[3:43] a TV and tells him, you're going to be visited by spirit.

[3:46] Or he doesn't even say that.

[3:47] He just says, like, you've got to learn a lesson, guy.

[3:49] And so.

[3:50] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[3:50] He climbs back into the flat screen.

[3:52] Yes.

[3:52] The ghost.

[3:53] Like Samara from The Ring.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] The ghost of George Patton, played by.

Stuart Wellington

[3:55] I was going to say, like, the bad guy from Brain Scan.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] Or like every character in Stay Tuned.

Stuart Wellington

[4:01] Or like Videodrome.

Elliott Kalan

[4:04] Oh.

[4:04] And James Woods is in this, too.

[4:06] And the whole time he was on screen, which is only about a minute, I kept thinking, like,

[4:09] oh, you were in Videodrome.

[4:10] That's one of my favorite movies.

[4:11] Like, come on.

[4:12] But.

[4:13] And he was also in, you know, a good episode of The Simpsons.

[4:17] But anyway, and that's the only things James Woods has ever been in.

[4:21] Absolutely.

[4:22] So, and then The Ghost of George Patton, played by Kelsey Grammer, basically, like, and George

[4:28] Washington, played by John Voight, and a judge, played by Dennis Hopper, they basically,

[4:32] like, show him that all of America's good things come from the wars it's fought.

[4:38] And to be against war is to be anti-American.

[4:41] And to be, there are only two things, and Bill O'Reilly's in it, too.

[4:44] And there's only one, there, you can only be, like, a very unquestioning American patriot,

[4:48] or you can be this Michael Moore parody who hates everything about America.

[4:53] And at the same time, Robert Davi is a terrorist who somehow, they're, like, pretending to fund

[4:59] Michael Moore's, Michael Malone's movie.

[5:00] Wait, he was a terrorist?

Stuart Wellington

[5:01] I thought he was a, I thought he was a Colombian drug lord.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] Well, you're thinking of License to Kill.

[5:05] Okay.

[5:06] I was watching the wrong movie, I think.

[5:08] Somehow, like.

[5:09] In your head.

[5:10] He, I think, well, the right thing to do in watching this movie is to imagine a different

[5:14] movie in your head.

[5:14] Wait, was License to Kill the one where the.

[5:15] I would not have imagined License to Kill.

[5:16] Was License to Kill the one.

Stuart Wellington

[5:18] It's like the Princess Bride where he puts himself someplace else to avoid the pain.

[5:20] Wait, so License to Kill, was that the one where the guy gets put in, like, the pressurization

[5:24] chamber and then he explodes inside there?

[5:26] I don't remember that.

Dan McCoy

[5:27] I remember Linda Hunt with a whip necklace.

[5:32] Wait, I think you're thinking of.

Stuart Wellington

[5:34] Yeah.

[5:34] I'm thinking of.

[5:35] If Looks Could Kill.

[5:36] If Looks Could Kill, which is a much better movie.

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] If Looks Could Kill, who's talking now.

[5:41] Yeah.

[5:41] I think is the movie you're thinking of.

[5:42] Yeah, that's.

[5:43] Where it was Linda Hunt and a talking dog.

[5:46] Or you could see, you could hear what the dogs were thinking.

[5:48] I never understood how that worked.

[5:49] But anyway, so in the end he learns his lesson.

[5:52] Wait, could you hear the babies in that one too?

Dan McCoy

[5:54] Yeah, with that one too?

[5:55] And the look who's talking now?

[5:56] I don't remember.

[5:56] Could you hear the babies?

[5:57] Well, they got a little.

[5:58] You could hear the babies and the dogs.

[5:59] It was.

Elliott Kalan

[6:00] They talk in the same frequency.

Dan McCoy

[6:01] It was like, you know, a sitcom that has been on the air for several seasons.

[6:07] They're like, just to add other things that come.

[6:08] Like, if there was a look.

[6:10] They don't take away things that talk.

[6:11] They just.

[6:12] Like, like, like plants?

[6:13] Yeah, well, that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[6:14] If they had made the fourth one, guess who's Look Who's Talking?

[6:17] Then they would have been a fourth.

[6:18] Kirstie Alice's ficus tree.

[6:21] So wait, were they like.

[6:22] And then in Look Who's What?

[6:25] They're talking now?

[6:26] It would be like, they'd press down the toaster thing and it would go, it's a living!

Stuart Wellington

[6:30] And then toast would pop up.

[6:31] Wait, so the toaster's like a turtle or some kind of dinosaur?

[6:35] Yeah, like in the Flintstones.

Dan McCoy

[6:36] But they also forgot the Ghost of America future played by some country singer that I'm not familiar with.

[6:41] Well, he was the angel of death, he said.

[6:43] And Toby Keats.

[6:44] This is a movie that.

[6:45] No, it wasn't.

[6:46] It should have been.

[6:46] It looked like Toby.

[6:47] George Brooks.

Elliott Kalan

[6:48] This is a movie where George Washington takes Michael Moore through a dusty church and he says, oh, it's pretty dusty.

[6:54] No one's cleaned in here.

[6:55] George Washington says, look, this is why and opens the door on the wreckage of the World Trade Center and says, this is the dust of 3,000 dead men.

[7:03] And then Michael Malone falls forward and hits his head on a Liberty Bell about two or three times and then falls over.

[7:10] That's the movie in a nutshell.

Stuart Wellington

[7:12] I have expected that scene to be punctuated with a loud fart.

Elliott Kalan

[7:15] You expected a fart or George Washington to break into a rap or something.

[7:20] It didn't happen.

Dan McCoy

[7:22] David Zucker respects those who fell on 9-11 so much that he made a goofy comedy about it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:28] Which is fine.

[7:29] It's just get your, like, the whole thing had very crossed wires.

[7:32] It was like, we're going to make a ton of, like, silly jokes about this thing, but there are other things that you don't make jokes about.

Stuart Wellington

[7:40] I mean, maybe they shot that scene and then they're like, guys, like, we don't.

[7:45] We don't got any jokes in this scene.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] There are so many other scenes with no jokes in them, though.

Dan McCoy

[7:50] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[7:51] So, Elliot and Stuart, you're both pretty liberal guys.

[7:56] Economically.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] I'm slightly to the left of, what, like, Lennon?

[8:03] I don't know.

[8:04] Sure.

[8:04] But I can only assume that after this film.

[8:06] We're fairly liberal.

[8:06] I'm very socially conservative.

Dan McCoy

[8:08] I can only assume that after this film you've seen the air of your ways.

Stuart Wellington

[8:13] Actually, no, Dan.

[8:14] I agree that I shouldn't allow, that we shouldn't allow the ACLU zombies.

[8:20] Which this movie showed us the ACLU's all zombies.

[8:24] We shouldn't allow them to pull down the Ten Commandments.

[8:26] The Ten Commandments in a courthouse.

[8:28] For a while I was like, are they trying to pull down the Bill of Rights?

[8:31] I guess I'd defend that.

[8:32] They shouldn't pull down.

[8:33] No, there's Ten Commandments.

[8:34] But, yeah, the Ten Commandments.

[8:35] That was kind of weird.

Elliott Kalan

[8:36] The scene where Dennis Hopper and Kelsey Grammer are shooting and killing zombies, but the zombies

[8:42] aren't eating people.

[8:43] They're just trying to take down, like, the Ten Commandments from a courtroom wall.

[8:47] Well, this is...

[8:48] And as much as you believe in having those Ten Commandments up, it really doesn't give

[8:51] you the license to shoot people in the back.

Dan McCoy

[8:52] Well, yeah, this is the thing that disturbed me probably the most in the movie was a scene

[8:57] where they're shooting members of the ACLU who, in the words of Aaron Sorkin's film,

[9:05] The American President, an organization simply devoted to upholding the First Amendment.

[9:10] Whether or not you agree with some of their...

[9:12] And the Fourth and Fifth Amendment.

[9:14] But, um...

[9:15] Make no mistake.

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] Did you or did you not hear Kelsey Grammer say, after he shot a terrorist in the back,

[9:21] enjoy your civil liberties in hell?

[9:22] Oh, no, or is it enjoy your...

[9:24] Your, uh...

[9:25] Right to privacy.

[9:26] Enjoy your right to privacy in hell.

Dan McCoy

[9:27] Yeah, I think you're focusing too much on the word enjoy.

[9:31] Focusing less on the fact that Kelsey Grammer shot him.

Stuart Wellington

[9:34] No, well, he was a terrorist, though.

[9:35] First of all, do we know he was a terrorist?

[9:36] He just got shot and exploded.

[9:38] Like, that could have just been an explosive ghost bullet.

Elliott Kalan

[9:40] He was about to have his bag checked by the NYPD in the subway, who usually just watch people walk by and don't check anyone's bags.

[9:47] And hang out with their dog.

[9:47] Yeah.

[9:48] And then the ACLU zombies said, you can't do that.

[9:51] And they went, hmm, what are we going to do?

[9:53] And then the one terrorist said to the other, like, thank Allah.

[9:56] And then he was going to...

[9:57] And then he blew up when Kelsey Grammer shot him.

Stuart Wellington

[9:59] That was a really small bomb if he would have exploded.

Elliott Kalan

[10:02] Well, that's the thing.

[10:02] The bombs in this either take out an entire building or just one person.

[10:06] Well, it clearly...

[10:06] And they have timers on them.

[10:08] Robert Davi walks into Madison Square Garden with a bomb strapped to him, but it has a timer on it.

[10:13] So he goes, death to America!

[10:14] But he's still got, like, a minute left on the bomb.

Dan McCoy

[10:16] Yeah, I gotta vamp a little.

Elliott Kalan

[10:18] So he has to run away.

[10:20] Like, it doesn't make sense.

Dan McCoy

[10:21] I'm gonna do my staged reading of my play while you...

Elliott Kalan

[10:26] No, but...

[10:27] Interior.

[10:28] Madison Square Garden.

[10:30] A lone terrorist stands by himself in the spotlight.

[10:33] Handsome.

[10:34] Windblown.

[10:35] Enter stage right.

[10:36] But, no, clearly, David's...

[10:38] Windblown.

[10:39] Handsome.

Stuart Wellington

[10:39] The word used to describe Robert Davi.

[10:42] Slightly facially scarred.

Dan McCoy

[10:44] Clearly, David Zucker just wanted to put a scene in this film where members of the ACLU get shot.

[10:51] And he was like, after the fact, he's like, okay, this is a little harsh.

[10:55] They're zombies.

[10:55] All right, that makes it okay.

Stuart Wellington

[10:56] But the weird thing about those zombies is they're fucking, like, talking.

[10:59] Like, it's not like they're lucid.

[11:01] It's like if a dog starts, like, say, like, a fucking bear starts talking to you, you probably

[11:06] won't, like, shoot it with a flamethrower quite as quickly.

[11:08] You are obsessed with shooting bears with flamethrowers.

[11:10] No one does that.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] Yeah, let's pull back the Flophouse curtain a little bit and talk about how we were discussing

[11:15] bachelor parties before this.

[11:18] And Stuart's ideal bachelor party involves shooting a bear with a flamethrower.

Stuart Wellington

[11:23] Well, yeah, I mean, that's not that weird, right?

Dan McCoy

[11:26] Members of, you know, the American society to prevent cruelty against animals.

[11:32] PETA, right?

[11:33] No, PETA's the crazy one.

[11:36] Well, where would you do this, though?

Elliott Kalan

[11:37] In Eastern Europe.

[11:38] So the ASPCA has no jurisdiction.

[11:40] They wouldn't give a shit.

[11:40] It would just be the SPCA.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] They'd rather me do that in Eastern Europe than here on American soil.

[11:44] I don't think that's how it works.

[11:45] My bachelor party involves driving a tank, shooting bears with flamethrowers, maybe, you know,

[11:54] probably naked girls.

Dan McCoy

[11:55] So, ladies, if you want to take this guy off the market and make this bachelor party happen.

Stuart Wellington

[12:00] If you think there's one too many bears in this world.

[12:03] Right in.

[12:04] So wait, so wait.

[12:05] She wants to marry me simply so a bear will die.

[12:08] Like, maybe this bear killed her family, and she's like, oh, you have to kill Old Smokey,

[12:13] the greatest bear in the world.

[12:14] The bear that killed my family.

[12:15] You kill him, I marry you.

[12:16] Maybe you'll marry a Stephen Colbert.

[12:18] First of all, I'd want to marry that woman if, like, she's got that sexy accent.

[12:23] Oh, yeah, she's a gorgeous Eastern European.

[12:24] She's got, like, a revenge scenario.

[12:26] Yeah, it sounds awesome.

[12:27] You've got everything I've always loved.

[12:28] An accent, a vendetta.

[12:30] Possibly an eye patch, because one of her eyes got clawed out by a bear.

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] Now she's just Molotov cocktees from Adventure Brothers.

[12:36] Yeah, that's probably right.

[12:38] Okay, but in American Carols.

[12:39] This was a good movie.

[12:40] Okay, yeah, so it was weird that, like, he's shooting, like, talkings.

[12:44] Well, because the idea was that...

[12:44] They're not really zombies anymore.

[12:46] The metaphor, and it's kind of, it's not a bad joke metaphor, is that the ACLU are like zombies,

[12:50] because they're constant and unstoppable and unceasing and...

[12:53] Implacable.

Dan McCoy

[12:55] I think that is a bad metaphor, because that's not what I think of when I think of the ACLU.

[12:58] But it's their point of view about the ACLU.

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] I can understand that one as, if you see the ACLU as an organization that exists to stand in the way of police and the government,

[13:10] which it's not, but you may think that way, then this is a good metaphor for that.

[13:14] It's one of the few things of creativity in the movie that I thought was, like, kind of clever,

[13:18] even though I disagreed with it.

Dan McCoy

[13:20] More so, say, than their irrational hatred of Columbia University.

Elliott Kalan

[13:24] That was weird.

[13:25] They just keep...

[13:26] All of the student protests and teachers and crappy professors who hate America are at Columbia.

Dan McCoy

[13:32] Yeah, Columbia, the real center of leftist descent in America.

[13:37] And, you know, granted, as we were talking about, you know, the 1968 protests,

[13:43] which I think were being obliquely referenced in this movie, and, you know, they had...

[13:48] Very obliquely.

[13:49] Ahmadinejad, but...

[13:50] But, I don't know, like, they have these parent figures come in and being like,

[13:57] What? This is what you're teaching our children?

[13:59] This is where our college money is going to?

[14:02] And it's like...

[14:02] Oh!

[14:03] Yes.

[14:04] There's a firefly.

[14:05] There's ghosts.

[14:07] You have been paying to send your child to an Ivy League university.

[14:13] Like, oh, my God.

[14:15] They might get a good job after school.

[14:17] It'll look good on their transcripts.

Elliott Kalan

[14:19] Nobody's getting a good job after school these days.

[14:21] No.

[14:22] Listeners.

[14:23] Yeah, Dan, you know...

[14:23] Stay at home.

[14:24] Chimney sweeps.

[14:25] Oh, well, this...

[14:25] That was another...

[14:27] That was one of many unnecessary song and dance numbers.

[14:30] Mm-hmm.

[14:30] Or was there...

[14:31] I feel like there were a ton, but now I can't really remember any besides that.

[14:34] And the country song at the end that said America is the best country in the world, which is true.

[14:39] And then to back that up, it said we've got the Army, the Marines, the Navy, and the Air Force, which are good things that we have.

[14:45] Even though the Marines are technically the Navy.

Stuart Wellington

[14:47] I mean, like, that seems like...

[14:49] Well, but they can...

[14:49] Maybe you just put that in to keep the balance of the verse or something.

[14:51] They become kind of their own branch in a lot of ways.

Elliott Kalan

[14:53] But they, like, that's not the reason America...

[14:56] Like, America has a very strong, great military, but that's not what makes a country great.

Dan McCoy

[15:00] That's what makes it great, Elliot.

[15:01] No.

[15:02] As we...

[15:03] As an American Carol proves at the end when Michael Malone is looking out into the audience and he sees soldiers from each generation...

[15:10] From every war.

[15:11] ...going back to the Minutemen.

[15:13] And I've got...

[15:14] He's like, oh, I get it.

[15:15] Wait, were those ghosts?

[15:16] That's what makes...

[15:16] They were...

Elliott Kalan

[15:17] I'm not sure if they were ghosts or he was just seeing things.

[15:19] Like, I have to...

[15:19] Like, as someone who...

[15:21] I've never served in the military and I never will because I'm deathly afraid of it.

[15:26] But the, like...

[15:28] But you're so strapping and athletic.

[15:31] Also, they wouldn't take me because my eyesight is terrible and I weigh about 100 pounds.

[15:34] But the, like, I have incredible respect for the military and I, you know, I've teared up reading books about the Civil War or World War II or the Vietnam War because of the things these men have gone through to protect America.

[15:46] But it's that...

[15:47] Them fighting to protect America is not the basis for America is great.

[15:51] Like, they're fighting to protect a great country that's great for several reasons.

Stuart Wellington

[15:56] They're not fighting because it's great to be fighting for this country because they are great fighters or something?

[16:02] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[16:02] Well, the reason America is great is not the same reason that Rome was great.

[16:05] Right.

[16:05] Like, Rome was great because it conquered a bunch of places.

[16:08] Like, America is great because...

[16:09] Yeah, because they had really good military tactics.

[16:10] The greatest system of government.

[16:11] You're saying that this movie has basically the same philosophy as the film 300?

[16:17] Yeah, very much so.

[16:18] Which is weird because 300 is basically about the Iraqi insurgency fighting off the United States.

[16:23] This giant multicultural force comes in and these guys go,

Dan McCoy

[16:27] Ah, we've got to protect everybody and kill everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[16:30] Ah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:31] I thought it was about dudes with really good bodies battling.

Elliott Kalan

[16:34] Well, it's about guys cutting off the heads of giants in slow motion and shooting spears into rhinoceros' eyes and things like that.

[16:40] Yeah, that's great.

[16:41] It's about the visionary director Zack Snyder.

Stuart Wellington

[16:43] Yeah, really, really, really wet pecs.

Elliott Kalan

[16:46] They should have called the movie Wet Pecs.

Stuart Wellington

[16:48] I'd have fucking seen it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:49] Gather ye round and listen to the story of Wet Pecs.

Stuart Wellington

[16:54] Now, guys, we'll talk about Wet Pecs a little later.

Dan McCoy

[16:57] Onward to Wet Pecs!

Stuart Wellington

[17:00] That sounds like a great movie.

[17:01] I know, you guys know me.

[17:03] You know how much I like a movie with a bunch of ghosts and zombies and shit.

[17:07] The thing that's weird is that...

[17:08] Just didn't do it for you?

[17:09] The weird thing about this movie is there were a lot of scenes where there were ghosts doing shit.

[17:13] Yeah.

[17:13] And you have your main character, the Michael Moore guy, who was...

[17:17] Michael Malone.

[17:18] Who could...

[17:19] Played by Kevin Farley, Chris Farley's brother.

[17:21] Now, wait, was that...

Dan McCoy

[17:23] Now, Chris Farley, a guy that I was not a huge fan of in life,

[17:26] but I have so much respect for him after seeing his brother's performance in this film.

Stuart Wellington

[17:30] Now, is he named Kevin Farley as like a parody of Chris Farley?

[17:34] No, that's his name.

[17:34] No, that's his actual name.

[17:35] Oh, it's his actual brother.

[17:36] That's his actual...

[17:37] Yeah.

[17:37] He's also in rental car commercials.

[17:39] So, okay.

[17:41] So, clearly the main character can see the ghosts because they're talking and shit like that.

[17:45] Well, they're coming to visit him to get a message.

[17:45] But there's a couple weird scenes where all of a sudden, like, other people can see the ghosts.

[17:50] Yeah.

[17:50] And the ghosts are, like, shooting people in a subway.

[17:52] And people are like, oh, wow, okay, I guess there's...

[17:55] That terrorist got shot by a ghost.

[17:56] Ghost.

[17:57] Like, what's...

Elliott Kalan

[17:59] Maybe it's like Ghost Town, the movie, and with Ricky Gervais.

[18:03] But, like, there were a couple people who were in Ricky Gervais' situation.

Stuart Wellington

[18:06] Oh, okay.

[18:06] And what kind of, like, name would they be called?

[18:09] Like, trancers or ghosters?

Elliott Kalan

[18:12] I would call them second-siders.

Stuart Wellington

[18:14] Okay.

[18:14] Second-siders.

[18:15] Yeah.

[18:15] So, there's a number of these second-siders around the world.

[18:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] They have a loose network which keeps the Earth safe.

[18:20] Was that the...

[18:21] Space Ghost.

[18:21] Now, is there...

Dan McCoy

[18:22] Is that the John Larket, Bronson Pinchot film?

[18:24] That second-side.

Stuart Wellington

[18:25] Yeah, absolutely.

[18:26] Second-side.

[18:26] Now, is there an organization, possibly quasi-Catholic, that is dedicated to the eradication of second-siders?

Elliott Kalan

[18:33] Yeah.

[18:33] Let's call them ex-cathedras.

[18:36] Ex-cathedras.

[18:37] I like it.

[18:38] And they battle the second-siders for the fate of the souls of the Earth, not realizing that the greater threat lies outside.

Stuart Wellington

[18:45] Man, this movie was great.

Elliott Kalan

[18:48] Yeah.

[18:48] I think we'll call it Wet Pecs.

Dan McCoy

[18:52] Wet Pecs 2.

[18:54] Peckin' it.

[18:55] The Grecian adventure.

[18:57] Pecs through time.

Elliott Kalan

[19:00] And I was just glad to see Kevin Sorbo got a paycheck from this.

[19:03] Yeah.

[19:03] It's been a long time since Andromeda got canceled, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[19:06] Yeah, and Call the Conqueror was awesome.

Dan McCoy

[19:08] So, guys...

[19:09] Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

[19:10] This was directed by David Zucker.

[19:13] One-third of Zucker, Abram Zucker.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] Yeah, and it was 30% of that.

[19:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[19:17] Where do I know that name from, Dan?

[19:19] I'm a listener at home that doesn't...

[19:21] Kentucky Fried Movie.

[19:22] Kentucky Fried Movie, okay.

[19:23] Airplane.

Dan McCoy

[19:24] Okay, I like those.

[19:25] Top Secret Police Squad.

[19:27] Naked Gun from the Files of Police Squad.

[19:30] At one point, a very funny guy...

[19:31] Is Hot Shots them also?

[19:32] Hot Shots was at least two of them.

[19:35] What about Jane Austen's Mafia?

[19:37] I think that was maybe one.

[19:40] That was the thing.

[19:41] Once they split apart, they all sort of made their own...

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] What about Scary Movie 3?

[19:46] Which one did they do?

[19:47] They did one of the three.

Dan McCoy

[19:47] Scary Movie 3, yes, was a Zucker production.

[19:50] They took over after the second one, right?

[19:52] Which one was the one with Chris Elliott in it?

[19:55] The second one.

[19:56] You're thinking of Cabin Boy.

Stuart Wellington

[19:58] I am thinking of Cabin Boy.

[19:59] That was great.

Dan McCoy

[20:00] But the point is, a funny guy, but has been overcome with just like everything on his movie

[20:06] is this on-the-nose, like...

[20:08] Hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[20:09] But also, for a guy who's made so many movies, like, this is a really poorly produced, poorly

[20:14] made movie.

Dan McCoy

[20:14] Well, it's just a polemic.

[20:15] And the thing is, like, David Zucker's one of these guys, I've read in interviews with

[20:19] him, and he's one of these guys who became a Republican after 9-11.

[20:25] Like Dennis Miller, he's like, alright...

[20:27] Or George W. Bush.

[20:28] I'm gonna become a Republican now.

[20:31] However, like, that always baffles me, because...

[20:34] And Tony the Tiger.

[20:35] Number one, it's not like Democrats weren't angered by the terrorist attacks.

[20:40] It seems like they were just looking for an excuse to be assholes, and they're like, oh,

[20:44] terrorism came along.

[20:45] This is our chance.

[20:46] But also, like, after...

[20:48] Like, this movie was made in the waning days of the Bush administration.

[20:52] Like, after all that happened, to still cling to this, like, strange...

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] Well, that's when you need it the most, when, you know, the country is turned against that

[21:01] way of thinking.

[21:02] Like, that's when you redouble your efforts to...

[21:04] You don't make a movie like in American Carol when people agree with you.

Dan McCoy

[21:07] You make it when people disagree with you.

[21:09] But that's the other thing.

[21:09] Like, the version of...

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] Maybe it's an act of bravery to produce this terrible film.

[21:16] Maybe.

[21:16] This terrible, unfunny film.

Dan McCoy

[21:18] But that's the other thing.

[21:18] Like, the version of liberalism presented in this movie is such a crazy straw man.

[21:23] And as someone, Elliot, who, like, works in political satire...

[21:27] Who deals with crazy straw man all day?

[21:29] Well, no, but, like, at least you're, you know, like, the Daily Show traffics in sort

[21:35] of left-leaning political satire, which hangs people up.

[21:37] Yeah, you guys do some political stuff, right?

[21:38] Every now and then, yeah.

[21:40] But, yeah.

[21:40] But it hangs people by their own words.

Elliott Kalan

[21:42] We kind of...

[21:43] Well, it's different when it's a show than a movie, because, like, we can show people

[21:46] saying things, but it's true.

[21:48] I mean, we try to do as much as possible things that are grounded in reality, as opposed

[21:53] to...

[21:53] Ghosts.

[21:55] Ghosts.

[21:55] I wish we did more so.

[21:56] But as opposed to caricatures.

[21:58] Like, they have Rosie O'Donnell...

[21:59] They have a Rosie O'Donnell character in this called, hilariously, Rosie O'Connell,

[22:03] I think.

[22:04] Oh, she was supposed to be Rosie O'Donnell?

[22:05] Yeah.

[22:06] Oh, wow.

[22:07] And they have Rosie O'Donnell talking about her documentary film about how evil Christians

[22:11] are.

[22:11] And it's like, Rosie O'Donnell doesn't make documentaries.

[22:14] I don't remember her specifically coming out against Christians.

[22:17] Maybe it involved her lesbianism.

Dan McCoy

[22:19] Now, if it was a failed Broadway musical about how awful Christians are.

[22:22] That would, like...

[22:23] I mean, I know she's a bitch, but...

[22:25] Oh.

[22:25] But it just, like...

[22:26] You guys got real cool.

[22:27] Saying.

Elliott Kalan

[22:28] But it was just...

Dan McCoy

[22:29] That was when you were going to slip under the radar?

[22:32] Yeah.

[22:32] Stewart's calling out Rosie O'Donnell on our podcast.

[22:35] Yeah, let's battle.

Elliott Kalan

[22:36] But it's just weird because it's like, why are you...

[22:38] Like, I guess she said liberal things when...

[22:40] I guess this must have been made when she was still on The View.

[22:43] And she was like the hardcore liberal opposite Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

[22:46] But it's just weird to attack her as a liberal documentarian attacking Christians when I...

[22:52] Like, I don't really think of her that way.

[22:54] I mean, you can probably...

[22:54] I think of her as an irritating, once funny comedian.

Stuart Wellington

[22:58] Do you think they either picked a name out of a hat or they had an actress selected and were like,

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] who does this kind of overweight actress look like?

[23:05] I think they said we need to have a Rosie O'Donnell character, but...

[23:08] Oh, okay.

[23:08] Then we need to figure out something for her to do in the plot.

Dan McCoy

[23:09] Yeah, Daily Variety put out a call for Rosie O'Donnell types.

[23:13] Yeah, maybe...

[23:14] Maybe it was that they were like...

[23:16] Must bring her in beret.

[23:17] She's wearing a beret for some reason.

Stuart Wellington

[23:18] You know who I think is stupid and hilarious looking?

[23:21] Rosie O'Donnell.

[23:22] Let's get somebody that we can...

[23:23] That looks like that so we can laugh at her together.

Elliott Kalan

[23:25] But the same way that they had, like, a guy playing Jimmy Carter talking about...

[23:28] And, like, talking about how great it is that America's gonna surrender to terrorists.

[23:32] And, like, not only did they not get someone who looked or sounded anything like Jimmy Carter,

[23:38] because, again, they only hired shitty celebrity impersonators,

[23:41] but, like...

[23:42] To have...

[23:44] To attack Jimmy Carter...

Stuart Wellington

[23:44] They could have used a fucking cartoon.

[23:46] Like, they could have used a CGI-like character that would have been more realistic.

Elliott Kalan

[23:50] They could have used the, like, archival footage of Jimmy Carter and just dubbed it in.

[23:53] Like, to attack him for being not a very good president,

[23:56] to attack him for being...

[23:58] For not, you know, solving the Iranian hostage crisis magically,

[24:02] or to attack him for, you know, his liberal...

[24:05] Like, you can do those things, but to exaggerate it to that degree

[24:08] invalidates what you're saying.

[24:10] Like, it's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] And speaking of the terrorists taking over,

[24:13] the movie's version of what would happen if we lost the war on terror

[24:18] is that, apparently, I guess, the terrorists invade America and take it over,

[24:23] and it's basically the same, except for instead of, like, gaps around,

[24:26] there's a bunch of burka stores.

Elliott Kalan

[24:27] But they still have a pizza place that says New York-style pizza

[24:31] in big neon letters.

Stuart Wellington

[24:33] Yeah, there's, like, Coca-Cola signs, like...

[24:34] Everywhere.

[24:35] Ultimately, fucking life didn't seem to change,

[24:38] so I guess I'm okay with that.

Elliott Kalan

[24:39] They changed the Hollywood signs that said Alu Akbar.

[24:41] That wouldn't bother me that much.

Dan McCoy

[24:43] If that's all it takes to end the war on terror,

[24:45] then maybe we should just let them invade,

[24:47] which is apparently, according to David Zucker, what's going to happen.

Elliott Kalan

[24:50] That's the other thing, and I don't want to get off on too many political rants,

[24:52] because this is a movie podcast,

[24:54] but, like, the thing that would bother me so much in the 2008 presidential race

[24:58] was this...

[24:59] This is something Mitt Romney used to say more than other guys,

[25:01] but the idea that, like, these people want to come in

[25:03] and establish a caliphate over America

[25:06] and take it over,

[25:07] and we're not going to let that happen.

[25:09] It's like, how...

[25:10] That's...

[25:10] You could...

[25:11] There are no amount of cities in America that you could blow up

[25:14] that Americans will be like,

[25:15] I guess we're just going to have to submit to this, you know,

[25:18] extreme Islamic law that...

Stuart Wellington

[25:20] Yeah, it's going to be like Red Dawn or something.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] Yeah, it's crazy.

[25:22] They're going to come and parachute into...

[25:23] Like, it's an insult to this...

[25:25] Colorado, I guess.

[25:25] It's an insult...

Dan McCoy

[25:26] Harry Dean Stanton is going to need you to avenge him.

Elliott Kalan

[25:28] It's an insult to the strength of will of the American people

[25:31] that after a certain point they'll be like,

[25:32] I can't take any more of this.

[25:34] I better just convert to Islam and, like, do what these guys tell me.

Dan McCoy

[25:37] Well, and Elliot...

[25:38] And I was like, there can't be more...

[25:39] Like, let's say there are...

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] There's some numbers, I mean...

[25:41] Let's say there are 100,000 terrorists.

[25:44] You would need 10 to 100 to...

[25:47] I don't know...

[25:48] You know, many more times than many people

[25:50] to conquer the United States of America.

[25:53] Like, it's an enormous...

[25:54] It's the strongest country in the world.

[25:55] It's enormous.

[25:56] Yeah, what are they going to do?

Stuart Wellington

[25:57] Like, breed with alien DNA?

[25:58] So they have, like, tons of babies or something?

Dan McCoy

[26:01] That's X-Files the movie, Fight the Future.

[26:02] Stuart, don't say that.

[26:03] They're going to get ideas from this podcast.

[26:06] It's just so insulting.

[26:07] Alien babies.

Elliott Kalan

[26:08] It's like, we've...

[26:08] You know, there hasn't been, you know,

[26:10] a full-scale war in our soil since...

[26:13] On the subject of alien babies,

[26:14] I just watched...

Stuart Wellington

[26:15] I watched Species 2 the other day.

[26:18] Please.

[26:19] That was great.

[26:20] A lot of alien babies in that.

[26:21] What was great was that basically the premise is

[26:24] there's an alien...

[26:25] A guy who's...

[26:26] You know, this astronaut gets alien DNA

[26:28] mixed in his own stuff,

[26:29] so he's, like, part alien or something?

[26:31] And then he just goes around having sex with women,

[26:33] and they immediately erupt with a baby

[26:35] out of their stomach and die.

[26:37] Like, it's just...

Elliott Kalan

[26:38] It's so gross.

[26:39] It's a male view of pregnancy, I think,

[26:41] and childbearing.

[26:42] Yeah, I think that's what it is.

[26:42] All I did was have sex with this woman,

[26:45] all of a sudden there's a baby

[26:46] exploding out of a stomach.

Stuart Wellington

[26:47] All I did was put it in for a second.

[26:49] Now aliens are going to destroy the world!

[26:52] Oh, what a great movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:54] I'll never forget that there's a Sam and Max cartoon

[26:56] that showed where they were like,

[26:58] did you know?

[26:59] And it's like,

[27:00] women and...

[27:00] Like, men think of babies as parasites

[27:02] living inside a woman's stomach.

[27:04] And just Max, as a fetus inside a woman,

[27:07] gleefully exclaiming,

[27:08] I'm a parasite!

[27:09] I'm a parasite!

[27:10] Just the idea of babies as parasites

[27:12] feeding off their hosts.

[27:14] I don't know what's strange about that, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[27:16] Oh, wow.

[27:16] But, um,

[27:17] so before we...

[27:19] So Watchmen?

[27:19] We should wrap up soon,

[27:20] but, uh,

[27:21] Elliot,

[27:22] as the Flophouse historian,

[27:24] uh,

[27:24] which I think you are,

[27:25] I believe you had a lot of problems with...

[27:28] I prefer to be called

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] the Arthur Schlesinger Jr.

[27:29] Distinguished Chair of History

[27:31] at the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[27:32] But,

[27:33] the,

[27:33] the movie's view of history,

[27:35] I think you had a few issues with...

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] It was just very...

[27:37] They seemed to be saying...

[27:39] They, well,

[27:39] it was like,

[27:40] we have to fight this war.

[27:41] If we hadn't fought in World War II,

[27:44] Hitler would have taken over.

[27:45] If we hadn't fought the Civil War,

[27:47] there'd still be slaves.

[27:48] That's why we gotta fight this war.

[27:50] And it did this...

[27:51] Idea that all wars are equal,

[27:53] and, you know,

[27:53] we have to...

[27:54] Obviously, war is what...

[27:56] What...

[27:57] Everything good in America

[27:58] came out of war,

[27:59] which is crazy.

[28:00] We got Velcro from the space program.

[28:02] Hello.

[28:02] Yeah.

[28:03] And Tang.

[28:04] You know, it just...

[28:05] It was this very ridiculous thing of like...

[28:07] But we did the space program for war, right?

[28:08] And moon boots.

[28:09] In theory.

[28:10] It was more of a...

[28:11] And moon...

[28:11] And moon boots, yes.

[28:13] And ceramics.

[28:14] But it was like,

[28:15] just the idea that...

[28:16] That like,

[28:17] this war...

[28:18] What's different between this war

[28:19] and the Civil War

[28:20] or the World War II?

[28:22] Nothing.

[28:22] The guys are shooting.

[28:24] That's war.

[28:25] Same thing.

[28:26] Come on.

[28:26] Let's do this, everybody.

[28:28] You don't want the...

[28:29] You don't want the Iraqis

[28:29] to be slaves to southern landowners

[28:32] or killed by Hitler.

[28:33] Done.

[28:34] It was just very, you know...

Stuart Wellington

[28:35] Yeah, and they're...

[28:36] I mean, I think to more critique the movie

[28:39] rather than its crazy ideology...

[28:39] Well, yeah, we should get to the movie.

[28:41] It's like their way of presenting Hitler

[28:43] is as this like,

[28:44] kind of silly guy

[28:45] hanging out with Mussolini

[28:46] and Hirohito,

[28:48] like, dancing.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] Yeah, it was just...

[28:49] It was...

[28:50] They were trying to shoehorn jokes

[28:51] into an ideological structure

[28:54] and the jokes they picked

[28:55] were like, not...

[28:56] Because they were hamstrung.

[28:57] They couldn't...

[28:58] They were kind of hemmed in

[28:59] by the story.

[29:00] They couldn't put in funny jokes

[29:01] a lot of the time.

Stuart Wellington

[29:02] Yeah, like, let's throw a banjo

[29:03] in the scene.

[29:03] That's funny.

[29:04] Hey, let's have this guy fall over.

[29:06] That's funny.

Elliott Kalan

[29:06] Well, like, it's these...

[29:07] He's dealing with slaves.

[29:08] Let's get...

[29:09] Gary Coleman is one of his slaves.

[29:10] Like, that'll be hilarious.

[29:12] It was sort of hilarious.

[29:13] No, it's not...

[29:13] There's no...

[29:14] There's no more overused

[29:15] celebrity cameo than Gary Coleman.

[29:17] Except for Paris Hilton,

[29:18] who I believe is also in the movie,

[29:19] unless she's an impersonator.

Stuart Wellington

[29:21] Gary Coleman's really short, though.

[29:22] Right?

Elliott Kalan

[29:23] He is very...

[29:23] Well, then, you could also get, you know...

[29:25] He's like a child.

[29:25] ...Emmanuel Lewis or something, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[29:28] That's not quite as funny.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] Well, what about the late Jorge Velichez?

[29:31] That's funnier.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] If you had the corpse of Jorge Velichez.

[29:35] Like a mummy?

[29:37] The Mummy 4.

[29:38] The return of Jorge Velichez.

[29:40] Wait, he's in the mummy...

[29:41] Wait, there's a fourth mummy movie?

[29:43] There will be when I make it.

[29:44] Okay.

[29:45] Is Brendan Fraser going to be back again?

[29:47] Yeah, but he's a mummy.

[29:48] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[29:49] This is a new kind of mummy

[29:50] where if you get bitten,

[29:51] you turn into a mummy.

Stuart Wellington

[29:52] Okay, is this one going to be in 3D?

[29:54] It's called Mummy 4D.

[29:56] 4D, okay.

[29:57] What's the fourth dimension?

Elliott Kalan

[29:58] Time.

[29:58] All movies are three-dimensional.

Stuart Wellington

[30:00] Okay.

[30:00] So, wait.

[30:02] What time?

[30:03] Wait.

[30:03] It's going to be an hour and a half, right?

[30:04] So you're like,

Dan McCoy

[30:05] wait, what time am I seeing this movie?

[30:09] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] The movie will be a trim 74 minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] Are there going to be yetis in this one, too?

[30:13] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[30:14] Okay.

[30:14] Well, Wendigo's.

[30:15] That's like what?

[30:15] Yetis.

Stuart Wellington

[30:16] Yeah, but they...

[30:17] Wait.

[30:17] Those are Native American yetis.

[30:18] And they're cannibals.

[30:20] Yeah, they're cannibals.

[30:21] That's too bad.

[30:22] And there's going to be a lot of...

[30:23] Cannibal yetis.

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] And I know you're going to want to see it, Stuart, so I'm putting Christina Hendricks in

[30:26] with no top on.

Stuart Wellington

[30:28] I do want to see it now.

[30:29] Or wait.

[30:30] I did before when there were yetis and mummies.

[30:32] Whoa, whoa.

[30:32] It's like my favorite things in one place.

Dan McCoy

[30:35] You're spending several millions of investors' dollars just designing a film that Stuart wants

[30:39] to see.

Elliott Kalan

[30:39] Stuart is going to see it multiple times.

Dan McCoy

[30:42] I still don't think it's a good return.

[30:44] I mean, even if you saw it every day in the theaters.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] I've got a hunch on this one.

[30:48] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[30:49] I think a lot like the rest of America.

[30:52] And I think America's going to want to see this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[30:55] You're the most perfect focus group we've found.

[30:57] I know.

[30:58] All right, let's work.

[30:59] It's called An American Mummy in Paris.

[31:01] Whoa!

Stuart Wellington

[31:03] Excuse me for a second, okay?

[31:05] I'm just getting over the title.

[31:06] It's great.

Dan McCoy

[31:07] It ends in a lengthy mummy ballet number.

Stuart Wellington

[31:09] It's called An American Mummy in Paris, The Quickening.

[31:13] Interesting.

[31:13] I didn't realize that mummies could obtain The Quickening.

[31:16] Yeah, they can in this movie, yeah.

[31:18] Okay.

[31:18] Yeah, and Mad Max is in it, too.

[31:20] Mad Max?

[31:21] Nice.

[31:21] Is it just going to be like they're going to use Photoshop or something to cut him out

[31:26] of the scenes from The Road Warrior and just stick him in there?

[31:29] Or is it just going to be Mel Gibson?

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] Well, we've got a time machine and we're going back to 1981 to get that Mel Gibson.

[31:34] Okay.

[31:34] We're going to bring him in.

Dan McCoy

[31:35] That's cool.

[31:36] I don't think that's the best use of time machine technology.

Elliott Kalan

[31:38] It's the only use of time machine technology.

Dan McCoy

[31:41] Everyone knows that time machine technology should only be used to hunt dinosaurs.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] What do you think the sequel's going to have?

[31:47] An American Mummy in the Mesozoic.

[31:49] That's what it's called.

[31:51] And he fights a dinosaur.

[31:52] Okay, so American Carol.

[31:53] Yeah, I think we should wrap this segment up.

Dan McCoy

[31:56] Yeah, very bad movie.

[31:56] With our final judgments on American Carol.

[31:58] Final judgments.

[32:00] Is it a bad, bad movie?

[32:03] A movie that's not worth anything?

[32:05] A good, bad movie?

[32:06] A movie that's sort of funny in its badness?

[32:09] Or a movie that you kind of like in some way?

[32:11] Stewart.

Stuart Wellington

[32:12] Yeah, Dan.

[32:14] There's nothing good about this movie.

[32:16] The only thing that was good was when it was over and I didn't have to watch it anymore.

[32:20] It felt like an 80 minute long mad TV sketch.

[32:23] Except with worse celebrity impersonators.

[32:25] And worse production values.

[32:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:27] Yeah.

[32:28] Terrible.

[32:29] There were very, very rare segments where I'm like, oh, that's a good Zucker Abrams

[32:34] Zucker joke.

[32:35] Like when Robert Davi is pretending to be a caterer at a party and his terrorist compatriots

[32:46] don't recognize him.

[32:47] And so he pulls down his fake beard to reveal a real beard beneath it that'll look exactly

[32:52] the same and suddenly they recognize him.

[32:54] That was funny.

[32:54] I'm like, oh, that's a good gag.

Elliott Kalan

[32:56] However.

[32:57] And there was one point at the time where they're eating at a diner and for no reason

[33:01] there was Seinfeld music in and out of the scene.

[33:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:03] That was more strange than funny.

Elliott Kalan

[33:05] It made me laugh because of the complete randomness of the joke.

[33:08] Like, I guess they're in a diner.

Dan McCoy

[33:09] So that's why Seinfeld.

[33:10] But other than like those very rare occasions, this may be the worst movie we've watched.

[33:16] I mean, it's not boring in the way that 10,000 BC or Bangkok Dangerous was bad.

[33:23] Mannix.

[33:26] Or just in terms of making me like angry and check my watch, this might be the worst.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] I would say, yeah, even putting aside politics, just in terms of like joke level and also

[33:43] just as a movie, this might be the worst thing that we've watched.

[33:47] In terms of production values, story structure, the fact that the movie, like even for this

[33:51] kind of movie, you don't expect like a strong three-act structure.

[33:54] But it just kept lurching forward and you never knew what part of the movie.

[33:58] There were two or three times where we were like, movie's still going?

[34:01] Like, is there any more to do in this movie?

[34:03] Like, you didn't know if you were...

[34:04] Even at 82 minutes long.

[34:05] You didn't know if you were 20 minutes in or if you were 70 minutes in.

Stuart Wellington

[34:08] When I was watching this movie, I kind of wish that I was the character that Nicolas Cage

[34:13] played in the movie Next, where I could see what happens next.

[34:16] And I could see how shitty this movie was and then not watch it.

[34:19] And instead have somebody else watch this one with you guys.

[34:22] Yeah, it was...

Dan McCoy

[34:24] You could go hang out with your buddy, Jessica Biel.

Stuart Wellington

[34:27] Oh, yeah.

[34:28] Peter Falk was in that movie.

[34:29] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[34:30] A plus.

[34:30] Oh, I thought for a second that you knew Peter Falk somehow.

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] Oh, yeah, I do.

[34:33] He's my weird old uncle.

[34:35] Oh, wow.

[34:36] And by weird, I mean I think he's got some kind of disease or had a stroke or something.

[34:40] That's what's weird about him.

Elliott Kalan

[34:41] But, yeah, I would agree this is a bad, bad movie.

[34:44] Terrible.

[34:45] Even putting aside politics.

[34:46] Yeah, it's just not even made well.

[34:47] If I was a Republican, I would say this is a poorly made movie in every respect.

Dan McCoy

[34:50] I don't know about that.

[34:51] I was looking on the...

[34:53] I mean, granted, only idiots post on the IMDb message boards.

[34:57] Even if I was Michael Medved, I would think this was a bad movie.

[35:01] And, like, there were plenty of people who were like, finally a movie for us.

[35:05] And I cried.

[35:07] Well, I just feel bad for that person.

Stuart Wellington

[35:10] The movie that's finally for them is made really poorly.

[35:13] Yeah, it's really bad.

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] And, yeah.

[35:15] I also wonder what movies they're seeing that are...

[35:17] Because, like, the thing is, most Hollywood movies are not liberal.

[35:20] But people in Hollywood are liberal.

[35:22] Like, they're outspokenly liberal in their private life.

[35:24] Like, you don't see that many movies that are so outwardly...

[35:27] Unless it's like, racism is bad.

[35:29] Well, I mean...

[35:30] Well, yeah, we can all agree on that.

Dan McCoy

[35:31] I mean, particularly, like, most action films are sort of inherently...

[35:37] Not Republican, but conservative in their viewpoint.

Elliott Kalan

[35:39] Because they fall on the idea of good and evil and force being the way to defeat evil.

[35:44] Right.

Dan McCoy

[35:44] And certainly, as a fairly liberal guy, like, I enjoy that shit.

[35:48] I watched fucking 24, which is, like, almost camp for, like, a liberal to watch.

[35:55] And I was like, this is ridiculous.

[35:57] Oh, how can Jack Bauer torture another person?

Stuart Wellington

[36:00] But I still enjoy it.

[36:02] Yeah.

[36:03] The weirdest thing about it is, like, this movie is made by a bunch of, like, Hollywood types, right?

[36:08] Yeah.

[36:08] Who are tired of, you know, the liberal Hollywood.

Dan McCoy

[36:11] Well, basically, every Republican in Hollywood is in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[36:14] Except, like, Ron Silver wasn't in it.

[36:15] What I think is weird is how the focus is on, like, New York being really liberal.

[36:22] When, like, fucking right across the street is San Francisco.

[36:24] Yeah, they spend very little time in Hollywood.

[36:26] And, like, I would think that, like, I would think they'd be more frustrated with, like, San Francisco types and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[36:31] I think it's almost more, like, because New York is where the World Trade Center attacks took place, except for the attack on the Pentagon.

[36:39] And Columbia.

[36:40] Those assholes in Columbia.

[36:41] But it's like, if any place should get it, New York is.

[36:45] But also, maybe, like, they went to Vancouver and it looked more like New York than Hollywood.

[36:48] They need to knock us down a few notches.

[36:50] Us New Yorkers.

[36:51] But I will say that their portrayal of the basement of Madison Square Garden is not that off.

Dan McCoy

[36:56] All right.

[36:56] Well, we end on a positive note.

Elliott Kalan

[36:59] Although I don't remember any pizza boxes with pizza and rats in them, as the movie portrays.

Dan McCoy

[37:04] I'm going to read one email here from Andrew, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] So many people are in the same family.

[37:11] The last name withheld is right into the show.

Dan McCoy

[37:13] Well, it's a large family.

[37:14] They breed a lot.

[37:15] And they give everyone iPods.

[37:18] And the title of it is, Best Original Screenplay is Confusing.

[37:23] Period.

[37:24] Period.

[37:25] And this is mainly directed to you, Elliot.

[37:27] It says,

[37:28] Gulp!

[37:29] Since you guys have a member of the esteemed WGA on your podcast.

[37:33] WGA East.

[37:34] I hope to finally get a damn answer to a question that plagues me every award season.

[37:38] Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.

[37:40] Hey, settle down.

[37:41] You're on the person chopping.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] I am already maybe not even going to answer this letter.

[37:44] I don't like their tone.

[37:46] Nice.

Dan McCoy

[37:47] How is something like Milk considered an original screenplay?

[37:52] It's still an adaptation, but from a real life and not another work.

[37:55] I mean, the character of Harvey Milk did not spring out of the head of Zeus for the screenwriter.

[38:00] He got the idea from an outside source and then adapted it into a screenplay.

[38:04] It just seems weird that a Charlie Kaufman script is in the same category as a biopic.

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] Here's the difference.

[38:11] It's not whether it's a wholly original idea that came from only your brain,

[38:15] but the fact if it's adapted from a specific pre-existing written source.

[38:19] If Milk had been adapted from one specific biography of Harvey Milk, it would have been an adaptation.

[38:25] But the idea is that even though you have all of Harvey Milk's life to deal with,

[38:29] the structure is yours, what things you choose to talk about are yours,

[38:32] what things you choose to highlight in the movie.

[38:34] The movie starts in, what, 1960 when Harvey Milk is already 40 years old.

[38:39] We see nothing of his life before the age of 40 when he moves to San Francisco.

[38:43] It was the screenwriter chose to start, or somebody involved in the creation of the screenplay chose to start it there,

[38:49] end it with right after his death, and to deal with specific things in between.

[38:54] He focuses in a lot of detail on the individual races Harvey Milk ran in and lost before he won the city council seat,

[39:01] and relatively little time on when he was on the council.

[39:05] He deals with certain aspects of Harvey Milk's personal life,

[39:08] but not very much with, say, Harvey Milk's family,

[39:11] or, you know, like I was saying, his past or his upbringing.

[39:13] It's all, and some of the characters in it, I'm sure,

[39:16] are fictionalized versions of people that Harvey Milk knew,

[39:20] or in some cases, like James Franco's character,

[39:22] I don't remember if he was a real person or if he was a combination of figures to represent that person in Harvey Milk's life.

[39:30] So all these are considered original screenplay what's-its.

Dan McCoy

[39:33] Now, what if the screenwriter had adapted it from the food item milk?

[39:39] Well...

[39:39] With the thing you drink?

Elliott Kalan

[39:41] In that case, it would be a more interesting film in some ways,

[39:45] but it would be considered...

[39:46] It would be like Flatland.

[39:48] It's a good question.

[39:48] I don't think they've ever had anything that was adapted from a product as opposed to...

[39:51] But for instance, like...

[39:52] It probably doesn't have a character arc.

[39:54] Like American Gangster was adapted from a magazine article.

[39:57] So even though that was based on a true story,

[39:59] if it had been nominated for Best Screenplay,

[40:02] which it wasn't because it was a terrible script,

[40:03] it would have been...

[40:04] I think it was, and I don't remember.

[40:05] It would have been Best Adapted Screenplay.

Dan McCoy

[40:07] I mean, however, the writer is not crazy in that this does lend itself to some really weird distinctions

[40:16] in that, say, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? was a Best Adapted Screenplay nominee

[40:22] because it was based on The Odyssey by Homer,

[40:27] when it wasn't really based on The Odyssey by Homer.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] Well, that's the Coen brothers kind of paying the price a little bit

[40:32] for choosing to refer to it as an adaptation of The Odyssey

[40:35] instead of just writing it, saying it's an original screenplay,

[40:39] and then saying, like, we took elements from The Odyssey and put it in.

[40:44] It's partly based on how it's listed in the credits for the film.

[40:48] The same way that the people who are nominated for the award

[40:50] are the people who are officially credited with the film,

[40:53] which doesn't always represent everyone who worked on the movie.

[40:56] But for instance, like, I'm working on a project right now in my own spare time,

[40:59] which is none, so it's going to take me years to do this.

Dan McCoy

[41:01] This is like a look behind the curtain of Ellie Kaylin.

Elliott Kalan

[41:03] Which is a biography of, which is a stage production,

[41:08] or a stage play about a real person's life.

[41:12] And I'm going to read all the biographies written about this person

[41:15] because there's only been about three or four of them.

[41:18] Why is it taking so long, Elliot?

[41:19] Well, I haven't started the reading yet.

[41:21] I mean, I've read one of them before and I have to reread it.

[41:23] But I'm not going to be adapting it.

[41:24] It's about me, isn't it?

[41:25] Yes.

[41:25] It's about Stuart Wellington.

[41:26] There's only been three books written about you.

[41:28] It's called Stewin' with Stuart.

[41:32] I didn't approve that.

[41:33] But, like, I already know I'm focusing on only two specific years in this person's life.

[41:38] I'm not going to adapt it directly from the biographies.

[41:41] I'm not going to use any phrases from the biographies.

[41:43] I'm just using them for background information.

[41:45] And maybe I'll quote primary documents if I want to.

Dan McCoy

[41:50] Because you're angling for the Best Original Script Tony Award.

[41:53] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[41:54] This will be an OB, if anything.

[41:56] This is not coming to Broadway.

Stuart Wellington

[41:57] Would Hugh Jackman hands it to you at the podium?

[41:59] Yeah, he could very well.

Elliott Kalan

[42:00] And I'm going to be like, whoa, I don't want your claws to hit me, Wolverine.

[42:04] Excuse me, bub.

[42:05] But that's what it really is, is whether it's credited as an adaptation or not.

[42:09] But what it is, is if it's, even if it's based on a real person's life,

[42:13] the screenwriter is still choosing how to present it.

[42:16] And all of the dialogue might be completely invented, you know?

Dan McCoy

[42:19] Yeah.

[42:19] So I hope that this member of the WGA East has cleared that up for you.

[42:24] That was a burn.

[42:25] That was a burn.

[42:26] This has been another episode of Ask a Member of the WGA East.

Elliott Kalan

[42:31] I have to make it clear, because they are technically two brother unions who are affiliated,

[42:37] but not the same organization.

Dan McCoy

[42:39] And that was the only letter.

[42:40] However, Stuart, I wanted to open this up to you.

[42:43] It's the only letter.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] We need more.

Dan McCoy

[42:45] Write in, people!

[42:46] I wanted to open this up to you, though.

[42:48] We did letters when you were gone.

[42:51] Oh, okay.

[42:52] And one of the questions was about superheroes.

[42:55] And because of that, I thought that you needed to be included in this.

[43:00] Okay.

[43:00] There was a question of, if we were superheroes, the Flophouse crew,

[43:05] what our powers would be, what our costume would look like,

[43:10] how the public would react to us.

[43:13] And you weren't here, so I want to open up those questions to you,

[43:16] like what your superhero would be.

Stuart Wellington

[43:19] I see myself at, wait, is this like what I would like to be, or what actually?

[43:24] What you would be.

Dan McCoy

[43:25] What you would be as a member of the Flophouse super team.

Elliott Kalan

[43:28] You're not Captain Dark Raven.

[43:30] Okay.

[43:30] You're your real self.

Stuart Wellington

[43:31] I don't have like really cool long hair.

[43:33] You're not Steel Star.

[43:35] Demon Wolf or something.

[43:37] Oh, wait.

[43:37] Do I have to come up with a name too?

[43:39] Well, if you like.

[43:41] Man, like I would imagine that my superpower would be similar to that one guy in the Hellfire Club

[43:47] that could increase his body mass.

[43:49] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[43:50] I remember him.

[43:50] And he fell on top of Wolverine.

Stuart Wellington

[43:52] Yeah.

[43:53] That'd be me.

[43:54] Like I could increase.

[43:54] He fell on top of Wolverine.

[43:56] Really proactive.

[43:57] Like, oops.

[43:59] He's a big fat guy.

[44:00] Yeah.

[44:00] Knock him down a few notches.

[44:02] Because come on.

[44:03] I mean like Wolverine, fuck that guy.

[44:05] Yeah, so I think I could do that.

[44:07] Like I'd make myself really dense and just be really immobile.

[44:11] Kind of like the blob.

[44:12] Like nothing would move me.

[44:13] I'd just kind of sit there and people would try and push me.

[44:15] So you're a fat superhero.

[44:17] Yeah.

[44:18] But I'm like a no nonsense kind of guy too.

[44:20] You know.

[44:21] And maybe I'm really smart.

[44:24] Or maybe telepathic.

[44:27] No, wait.

[44:28] I have x-ray vision too.

Dan McCoy

[44:30] Wait.

[44:31] I think that you should have some sort of mustache superpower.

Stuart Wellington

[44:35] Well, I have a mustache.

[44:36] It doesn't have to be necessary.

[44:38] Well, when we answered this for you, you were called the stache.

[44:40] That's pretty.

[44:41] Oh, nice.

[44:42] Okay, now.

[44:43] Well, what's your superhero name?

[44:44] You haven't given yourself that.

[44:44] Here's a reimagining, okay?

[44:46] I'm just an average everyday guy.

[44:48] This is Tim Burton's version.

[44:48] Okay.

[44:49] This is the Tim Burton version.

[44:51] Yep.

[44:52] And okay.

[44:53] So the watcher is watching me, okay?

[44:55] And in this version of reality, instead of getting that power that makes me really dense, I'm just an average everyday high school kid.

[45:03] And then an alien mustache attaches itself to my face, okay?

Elliott Kalan

[45:07] So it's like Green Lantern a little bit.

[45:09] But with a mustache.

[45:10] Kind of like Green Lantern.

Stuart Wellington

[45:10] I can't make stuff that's green.

[45:13] Colors don't matter that much.

[45:15] The mustache is always kind of getting me into trouble.

[45:18] And that's about it.

[45:20] Okay.

[45:21] Fair enough.

[45:22] Okay.

[45:22] And I wear a domino when I'm fighting Kron.

[45:25] Like a domino mask?

[45:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:26] That's not much of a disguise.

[45:28] I guess you can't cover it.

[45:29] What are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[45:30] I was imagining an actual domino.

[45:32] Just like a tiny domino.

[45:33] Like in the middle of your chest.

[45:35] Like a pendant?

[45:36] If anyone...

[45:37] No, it was like...

[45:38] Like that's a symbol?

[45:39] It was like a completely blank, you know, spandex uniform.

[45:43] Like a tank top?

[45:43] And what's your name?

Stuart Wellington

[45:44] And what's your superhero name?

[45:47] Let's see.

[45:48] The Widowmaker?

[45:50] Okay, the Widowmaker.

[45:50] K-19.

Elliott Kalan

[45:52] I want people to write in if they know the name of that Hellfire Club character.

[45:56] I think it was Leland, but I don't remember.

[45:58] Leland Balmer?

[45:59] It's Leland Balmer.

[46:01] No.

[46:01] All the way from the town of Twin Peaks to join the Hellfire Club.

[46:05] He'll be the white bishop.

[46:07] All those characters have names like Fitzroy or Leland or Tolliver or, you know, Shaw.

[46:13] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:13] There's nothing more scary than sort of a foppish British...

Elliott Kalan

[46:17] A vaguely UK foppish...

Stuart Wellington

[46:19] Yeah, they wear like old-timey revolutionary outfits.

[46:22] Like they're on the set of Johnny Tremaine the movie.

[46:25] You have this newfound Johnny Tremaine.

Elliott Kalan

[46:28] Love Johnny Tremaine, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:29] And I love the Hellfire Club.

[46:31] I wish they put those assholes in a fucking X-Men movie.

[46:34] I don't want to find out about shit that turns mutants into non-mutants.

[46:37] Yeah, man.

[46:37] See a bunch of weird foppish dorks.

[46:38] You don't have to be the bad guy in all three films.

[46:40] Because it's easier.

Dan McCoy

[46:41] It's easier.

[46:42] Bring in the Hellfire Club.

Stuart Wellington

[46:43] Crabby CGI.

[46:44] Where were the Shi'ar?

Elliott Kalan

[46:46] Where were the Starjammers?

[46:47] Come on.

[46:48] Where were the brood?

[46:49] Where was Ch'ad?

[46:50] Yeah, Ch'ad?

[46:51] Where was Mamsel Hepzibah?

[46:53] What about Corsair?

[46:55] No, that was Cyclops' dad.

[46:57] They named the character after the Pogo character.

[46:59] She's like a giant lady scum.

Stuart Wellington

[47:01] Wait, was Corsair Cyclops' dad?

[47:02] Yes.

[47:03] Okay.

[47:03] All right.

[47:04] Yeah, we should do that.

Elliott Kalan

[47:05] Where's Gaza, or whatever his name is.

[47:06] This is not the Marvel cast.

Stuart Wellington

[47:08] Let's move on.

[47:08] Okay, so what else is going on?

Dan McCoy

[47:12] We've only done 30-some of these podcasts.

[47:16] We should do the recommendations pretty quick, probably.

[47:19] Oh, right, right, right.

[47:20] Why don't you go, Stuart, again?

Stuart Wellington

[47:22] I've watched a lot of great movies lately, Dan.

[47:24] I watched Species 2, as I was just talking.

[47:28] I saw some movies I didn't like so much, like The Foot Fist Way, which is really overrated.

[47:32] I still haven't seen that, but I've heard it's overrated.

[47:33] I liked it, but I thought it was overrated.

[47:35] It was overrated and really poorly acted.

[47:38] Like, I thought it had some of the worst acting I've seen in the comedy in a long time.

[47:42] But I've seen some really great stuff, like I re-watched Hard Target, where Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the character Chance Boudreau.

[47:53] I do have it on my Roku right now.

[47:55] Yeah, it's awesome.

[47:56] But actually, the movie I'm going to recommend this time is, I'm going to recommend Guy Ritchie's Rock and Rolla.

Dan McCoy

[48:01] Really, recommending a Guy Ritchie film.

[48:04] I know.

[48:04] This is very unlike you.

[48:05] It's weird.

[48:06] It's a brave state.

Stuart Wellington

[48:07] The thing is, initially, I was kind of like, meh, as I was watching it.

[48:11] But as it went on, I went, meh.

[48:15] It definitely grew on me as the movie went on.

[48:19] Gerard Butler, who was in that great movie, Wet Pecs?

[48:23] Wet Pecs, yeah.

[48:23] Gerard Butler, but I was in our wet pecs.

[48:25] He was great in wet pecs.

[48:27] And yeah, I mean, I was definitely into the movie midway through.

[48:31] And it kind of felt like an hour and a half long episode of the Guy Ritchie show.

[48:39] Starring Guy Ritchie.

[48:40] Yeah, like, I'd watch another episode of that.

Elliott Kalan

[48:41] Hello, everybody.

[48:42] Welcome to the Guy Ritchie show.

[48:43] Watch out, Stanton.

[48:45] Get your shooters, boys.

Stuart Wellington

[48:47] Yeah, so it was great.

[48:48] And Tom Wilkinson was in it.

[48:50] He's good.

[48:51] I love Tom Wilkinson.

[48:52] Like, if I had to make a movie where somebody had to be my dad, it'd be Tom Wilkinson.

[48:57] Mm-hmm.

[48:57] So, Tom Wilkinson, if you're out there.

[48:59] Not Jim Broadbent?

[49:00] No, he'd be like a weird, like, Goblins dad.

Elliott Kalan

[49:04] He would be lovable, though.

[49:05] No way!

[49:06] I'd love to cast Harry Dean Stanton as my grandfather.

[49:08] That'd be pretty awesome.

[49:09] That'd be cool.

Dan McCoy

[49:11] All right.

[49:11] I want to recommend Swimming to Cambodia.

[49:15] Oh, a new film.

[49:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:17] Well, you know.

[49:18] I'm going to recommend older movies, so don't worry.

[49:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:20] Call surprise.

[49:23] Very.

[49:24] Bilingual podcasting.

[49:25] You know, it's very hard to make a film of a stage production and make it engaging, like, consistently engaging.

[49:35] I mean, anyone who's been in a play and has then, like, seen that play on video, like, someone's like, I'm going to take a video of this.

[49:43] Yeah, it looks terrible.

[49:43] It's always disappointing.

[49:46] But Jonathan Demme is very good at doing it.

[49:48] I mean, I believe that Stop Making Sense is probably the best concert movie ever made.

[49:53] I would say also the best Jonathan Demme movie.

[49:55] It's possible.

[49:56] I mean, I really like him as a director.

[49:58] But Swimming to Cambodia, despite just being Spaulding Gray sitting there and talking for 90 minutes, is extremely dynamic and engaging.

[50:07] And I just enjoyed it a heck of a lot.

[50:10] I don't really have much more to say about it.

Elliott Kalan

[50:12] I'm going to recommend two films for the kitties in the audience this past Saturday.

[50:17] The Cats?

[50:18] Yeah, for the cats in this audience.

[50:21] And by that I mean cool jazz people.

[50:23] I'm going to recommend a movie called The Muppet Movie, which I watched again recently with Dan and my girlfriend, who had never seen it before.

[50:30] Not the same person.

[50:31] Nope, not the same person.

[50:32] And that's why there was an and in between the two notifiers.

[50:37] I thought you misspoke.

[50:39] Yeah.

[50:39] And just as funny as I remember it.

[50:42] We have very similar names.

[50:43] Yes.

[50:44] And just as touching as I remember it.

[50:47] It's a movie that I remember as a kid I really loved, and it always choked me up as a kid at the end of it.

[50:54] But watching it again, it was like, this is a movie about people who wanted to be performers as kids and then grew up to be performers.

[51:01] It feels very much like as the Muppets are grouping together that it almost feels like Jim Henson's story of putting together the people he worked with so closely over years.

[51:12] And so it was very moving to me.

Stuart Wellington

[51:14] It's like Meet the Feebles.

Elliott Kalan

[51:16] Yeah, exactly.

[51:17] It's just like Meet the Feebles.

[51:18] And the other one for the adults in the audience who like Kung Fu, a little movie called Karate Bullfighter.

Dan McCoy

[51:22] There's a little movie called Kung Fu Anal.

[51:26] The adults in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:28] A little movie called, well, Volume 4.

[51:30] Yeah.

[51:31] Karate Bullfighter, which is a movie about a karate master who he does fight a bull in one scene, but overall he's just trying to figure out what the power of karate is for.

[51:40] Is it just for fighting?

[51:41] Does there need to be force behind it in the hands of the wrong person?

[51:43] Is it a deadly weapon more deadly than a gun?

[51:46] And there's also a scene where he fights a black American and the American to show off how strong he is.

[51:50] He puts a Coke bottle, a glass Coke bottle in his elbow on the inside, and then he just flexes his muscles until he breaks the Coke bottle.

Dan McCoy

[51:59] And there's a scene where he fights the black Russian and he just cuts his hand on the glass.

Elliott Kalan

[52:04] That's pretty awesome.

[52:05] No, no, no.

[52:06] But he does fight a ball with his bare hands.

Dan McCoy

[52:08] The look of pain on both of your faces after I made that joke was worth it.

[52:13] But I haven't seen the sequel.

[52:14] Did you get that one from David Zucker?

[52:16] Did you write some of your material tonight?

[52:18] Michael Malone.

Elliott Kalan

[52:19] I haven't seen the sequel to Karate Bullfighter, Karate Bearfighter yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

[52:23] And he does not use a flamethrower, Stuart.

[52:25] Spoiler.

[52:25] I think he plays a bear in that one.

Stuart Wellington

[52:27] I hope so.

[52:28] He better.

[52:29] Maybe Hadouken's the bear.

[52:31] Like Ryu.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] So we learned a lot tonight, guys.

[52:35] We learned the error of our ways politically.

Elliott Kalan

[52:38] And we learned that you don't need to match up shots when you're making a movie.

[52:42] Uh-huh.

[52:42] Or time your jokes out so that people understand the jokes.

Dan McCoy

[52:45] You learned that the brother of a dead comedian is just as good as having that comedian.

Elliott Kalan

[52:50] I think the Belushi Brothers taught us that.

[52:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:53] You know, I learned that...

Elliott Kalan

[52:54] And also Chester Keaton.

[52:56] Buster Keaton's brother.

Stuart Wellington

[52:58] I learned that there's some things worse than people that have a different ideology than me.

[53:03] It's people who are really bad at making movies.

[53:05] Yeah.

[53:06] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[53:07] In a way, that's the lesson of the flop house.

[53:10] Yep.

[53:11] So we should sign off.

[53:12] My name is Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[53:14] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[53:16] What if it's the Marx Brothers and Harpo and Chico are dead but Groucho's still alive?

[53:21] That's not your line.

[53:22] Okay.

[53:23] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[53:24] Gotta go, everybody!

[53:25] Good night!

[53:28] Bye.

[53:30] Zing!

[53:32] I just watched Demon Knight again.

[53:39] Not a great movie, but it was okay.

[53:41] It's not a great movie, but, you know.

[53:43] I liked it.

[53:44] As far as Tales from the Crypt movies go.

[53:45] There were some boobs.

[53:47] Better than Bordello of Blood.

[53:48] Because there were boobs in that, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[53:51] In Bordello of Blood?

[53:51] I think there was a shockingly...

[53:54] Demon Knight has a lot of Billy Zane in it.

[53:57] That's true.

[53:58] That's true.

The Flop House: Episode #33 - An American Carol

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