The Flop House: Episode #33 - An American Carol

[0:00] In this unedited edition of the Flophouse, we learn the error of our ways by watching the slapstick right-wing comedy, An American Carol.

[0:31] Hey, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] I'm Elliot Kalin. I don't need to say uh before my name.

[0:43] No, you don't, but you did.

[0:45] I didn't.

[0:46] Sure.

[0:47] I don't like this. I'm Elliot Kalin's, but it sounded like I was saying I'm.

[0:51] Yeah, no, that's pretty good.

[0:53] Tonight, we watched a little film.

[0:56] Very little film.

[0:57] Yeah, sure. It was 80 minutes?

[0:58] 82 minutes.

[0:59] Probably...

[1:00] Does that include the country music closing?

[1:02] 78 minutes with credits.

[1:04] Yeah.

[1:05] A film called An American Carol, as opposed to The French Carol and The German Carol.

[1:13] Egyptian Carol.

[1:14] Yeah.

[1:15] Japanese Carol.

[1:16] Yeah.

[1:17] Well, my Aunt Carol lives in New Jersey.

[1:18] No, no kidding.

[1:19] It was a takeoff of the Charles Dickens Christmas story.

[1:24] Pick Quick Papers.

[1:25] Yeah, exactly.

[1:28] Our mutual friend.

[1:29] In American Great Expectations.

[1:32] So, it was an homage to, what do you say, homage?

[1:38] What, to Christmas Carol?

[1:39] Yeah.

[1:40] It's a rip-off. It did the same thing that...

[1:41] So, you wouldn't say homage.

[1:42] The same way that sitcoms used to, every year around Christmas, do their Christmas Carol episode.

[1:47] Where it'd be like, what if Urkel was never born?

[1:49] I guess we'll, you know, we'll have to find out.

[1:52] Alf is visited by four ghosts.

[1:54] That's a wonderful life thing.

[1:55] Yeah, Urkel is visited by three ghosts.

[1:57] One of them played by Alf.

[1:58] And now, every year, the Republicans are going to do their version of a Christmas Carol.

[2:03] An American Carol.

[2:04] And their version of It's a Wonderful Life, and what else?

[2:08] It's an American life?

[2:09] Wait, would that work?

[2:10] It's an American life?

[2:11] Yeah.

[2:12] Well, there's already This American Life.

[2:15] Well, that's different enough.

[2:17] Okay, I'll give you that.

[2:18] Or Life in These United States.

[2:20] Wait, that This American Life thing, that's pretty Republican, right?

[2:24] No.

[2:25] Okay.

[2:26] Like all NPR programming, it is a heavy conservative bent.

[2:31] Yeah.

[2:32] So, you want to kick us off, Dan?

[2:35] Give us, what's the back, what's the plot?

[2:37] Should we talk about what the plot of it is, or?

[2:39] Should we talk about why we watched this in the first place?

[2:41] I'm not sure there was a plot, but.

[2:43] Well, there was a clear plot.

[2:44] Michael Malone, a thinly veiled Michael Moore parody, hates America and everything about America.

[2:50] Just the same way that everybody who's liberal hates America and hates wars and hates everything that makes America great, i.e. wars.

[2:57] And he's also mean to his family, and he's not really mean, he's just kind of negligent to his.

[3:02] He's distant.

[3:03] To his nephew.

[3:04] Yeah, actually, it's just, they're not even estranged.

[3:06] They just don't talk that often to his nephew who's in the Navy, and his nephew has a ton of disabled kids.

[3:11] Like seven of them or something.

[3:13] Because he's always shooting like half blanks in the sack.

[3:16] That's how that happens, right?

[3:18] Because there's something wrong with his semen?

[3:19] Well, his sperm probably had a bent tail.

[3:21] Okay.

[3:22] That was the subtle thing.

[3:23] That was the subtlety of this movie.

[3:25] They're saying that Republicans are right all the time.

[3:27] However, they give birth to defective children.

[3:29] Yeah, which is why they're still Democrats.

[3:31] But anyway, he wants to outlaw the Fourth of July.

[3:34] Like you do if you're a Democrat.

[3:38] The ghost of John F. Kennedy, played by a very bad John F. Kennedy impersonator,

[3:43] steps through a TV and tells him, you're going to be visited by spirit.

[3:47] Or he doesn't even say that.

[3:48] He just says, like, you've got to learn a lesson, guy.

[3:50] Then he climbs back into the flat screen.

[3:53] Like Samara from The Ring.

[3:54] The ghost of George Patton.

[3:56] I was going to say like the bad guy from Brain Scan.

[3:59] Or like every character in Stay Tuned.

[4:02] Or like Video Drone.

[4:05] And James Woods is in this, too, and the whole time he was on screen, which is only about a minute,

[4:09] I kept thinking, like, oh, you were in Video Drone.

[4:11] It's one of my favorite movies.

[4:12] Like, come on.

[4:14] And he was also in, you know, a good episode of The Simpsons.

[4:18] But anyway, and that's the only thing James Woods has ever been in.

[4:22] Absolutely.

[4:23] And then the ghost of George Patton, played by Kelsey Grammer.

[4:27] Basically, like, and George Washington, played by John Voight, and a judge, played by Dennis Hopper,

[4:32] they basically, like, show him that all of America's good things come from the wars it's fought.

[4:38] And to be against war is to be anti-American.

[4:41] And to be, there are only two things, and Bill O'Reilly's in it, too.

[4:44] And there's only one, you can only be like a very unquestioning American patriot,

[4:49] or you can be this Michael Moore parody who hates everything about America.

[4:53] And at the same time, Robert Davi is a terrorist who somehow, they're like pretending to fund Michael Moore's movie.

[5:01] Wait, he was a terrorist?

[5:02] I thought he was a Colombian drug lord.

[5:04] You're thinking of License to Kill.

[5:06] I was watching the wrong movie, I think.

[5:08] Somehow, like.

[5:09] In your head.

[5:10] I think, well, the right thing to do in watching this movie is to imagine a different movie in your head.

[5:15] I would not have imagined License to Kill.

[5:17] It's like The Princess Bride, where he puts himself someplace else to avoid the pain.

[5:21] Wait, so License to Kill, was that the one where the guy gets put in, like, the pressurization chamber,

[5:25] and then he explodes inside there?

[5:27] I don't remember that.

[5:28] I remember Linda Hunt with a whip necklace.

[5:32] Wait, I think you're thinking of If Looks Could Kill, which is a much better movie.

[5:39] If Looks Could Kill, Who's Talking Now, I think is the movie you're thinking of.

[5:43] It was Linda Hunt and a talking dog.

[5:46] Or you could see, you could hear what the dogs were thinking.

[5:48] I never understood how that worked.

[5:49] But anyway, so in the end, he learns his lesson.

[5:52] Wait, could you hear the babies in that one, too?

[5:55] In the look he's talking now?

[5:56] I don't remember.

[5:57] Could you hear the babies?

[5:58] Yeah, you could hear the babies and the dogs.

[6:00] They talk on the same frequency.

[6:02] It was like, you know, a sitcom that has been on the air for several seasons.

[6:07] They're like, just add other things that talk.

[6:09] They don't take away things that talk.

[6:12] Like plants?

[6:13] Yeah, well, that's the thing.

[6:14] If they had made the fourth one, Guess Who's Look Who's Talking, then it would have been a fourth.

[6:19] Kirstie Ellis' spikest tree.

[6:21] So were they like that?

[6:22] And then in Look Who's What? They're Talking Now?

[6:27] It would be like they'd press down the toaster thing and it would go, it's a living!

[6:30] And then toast would pop up.

[6:32] Wait, so the toaster's like a turtle or some kind of dinosaur?

[6:35] Yeah, like in The Flintstones.

[6:36] Oh, but you also forgot the Ghost of America future played by some country singer.

[6:41] Well, he was the angel of death, he said.

[6:44] Toby Keith.

[6:45] No, it wasn't.

[6:46] It looked like Toby.

[6:48] This is a movie where George Washington takes Michael Moore through a dusty church,

[6:53] and he says, oh, it's pretty dusty.

[6:54] No one's cleaned in here.

[6:55] George Washington says, look, this is why, and opens the door on the wreckage of the World Trade Center

[7:00] and says, this is the dust of 3,000 dead men.

[7:03] And then Michael Malone falls forward and hits his head on a Liberty Bell about two or three times

[7:08] and then falls over.

[7:10] That's the movie in a nutshell.

[7:12] I have expected that scene to be punctuated with a loud fart.

[7:16] You expected a fart or George Washington to break into a rap or something.

[7:20] It didn't happen.

[7:22] David Zucker respects those who fell on 9-11 so much that he made a goofy comedy about it.

[7:29] Which is fine.

[7:31] The whole thing had very crossed wires.

[7:33] It was like, we're going to make a ton of silly jokes about this thing,

[7:37] but there are other things that you don't make jokes about.

[7:41] Maybe they shot that scene and then they're like, we don't get any jokes in this scene.

[7:48] There are so many other scenes with no jokes in them, though.

[7:50] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[7:51] So Elliot and Stuart, you're both pretty liberal guys.

[7:55] Economically.

[7:57] I'm slightly to the left of, what, like Lennon? I don't know.

[8:04] Sure.

[8:05] But I can only assume that after this film.

[8:07] We're fairly liberal.

[8:08] I'm very socially conservative.

[8:09] I can only assume that after this film, you've seen the error of your ways.

[8:13] Actually, no, Dan.

[8:15] I agree that we shouldn't allow the ACLU zombies, which this movie showed us the ACLU's all zombies.

[8:24] We shouldn't allow them to pull down the Ten Commandments.

[8:27] The Ten Commandments in a courthouse.

[8:28] For a while I was like, are they trying to pull down the Bill of Rights?

[8:31] I guess I'd defend that.

[8:33] No, there's Ten Commandments.

[8:34] But yeah, the Ten Commandments.

[8:35] That was kind of weird.

[8:36] The scene where Dennis Hopper and Kelsey Grammer are shooting and killing zombies,

[8:41] but the zombies aren't eating people.

[8:43] They're just trying to take down the Ten Commandments from a courtroom wall.

[8:47] As much as you believe in having those Ten Commandments up, it really doesn't give you the license to shoot people in the back.

[8:53] This is the thing that disturbed me probably the most in the movie was a scene where they're shooting members of the ACLU who,

[9:01] in the words of Aaron Sorkin's film The American President,

[9:06] an organization simply devoted to upholding the First Amendment.

[9:11] Whether or not you agree with some of their –

[9:13] And the Fourth and Fifth Amendment.

[9:15] But you also heard –

[9:16] Make no mistake.

[9:17] Did you or did you not hear Kelsey Grammer say after he shot a terrorist in the back,

[9:21] enjoy your civil liberties in hell?

[9:23] Oh, no.

[9:24] Or enjoy your –

[9:25] Right to privacy.

[9:27] Enjoy your right to privacy in hell.

[9:28] Yeah, I think you're focusing too much on the word enjoy and focusing less on the fact that Kelsey Grammer shot him.

[9:34] No, well, he was a terrorist though.

[9:36] First of all, do we know he was a terrorist?

[9:37] He just got shot and exploded.

[9:39] He's just been an explosive ghost bullet.

[9:41] He was about to have his bag checked by the NYPD in the subway who usually just watch people walk by and don't check anyone's bags.

[9:47] And hang out with their dog.

[9:48] Yeah, and then the ACLU zombies said, you can't do that, and they went, what are we going to do?

[9:53] And then the one terrorist said to the other, like, thank Allah, and then he was going to –

[9:58] and then he blew up when Kelsey Grammer shot him.

[10:00] There's a really small bomb if he would have exploded like-

[10:02] Well that's the thing, is the bombs in this either take out an entire building or just one person.

[10:06] Well it clearly-

[10:06] And they have timers on them.

[10:08] Robert, Robert Davi walks into Madison Square Garden with a bomb strapped to him but it has a timer on it.

[10:13] So he goes, death to America! But he's still got like a minute left on the bomb.

[10:16] Yeah, I gotta vamp a little.

[10:18] So he has to run away, like it doesn't make sense.

[10:21] I'm gonna, I'm gonna do my, uh, staged reading of my play while you-

[10:26] Now but-

[10:27] Interior. Madison Square Garden. A lone terrorist stands by himself in the spotlight.

[10:33] Handsome. Windblown.

[10:35] Enter stage right.

[10:36] But no, clearly David's-

[10:38] Windblown. Handsome. The word used to describe Robert Davi.

[10:41] Slightly, slightly facially scarred.

[10:44] But clearly David Zucker just wanted to put a scene in this film where members of the ACLU get shot.

[10:51] And he was like, after the fact, he's like, okay this is a little harsh.

[10:54] Um, they're zombies. Alright, that makes it okay.

[10:56] But the weird thing about those zombies is they're fucking, like, talking.

[10:59] Like, it's not like they're lucid.

[11:01] It's like, it's like if a dog starts, like, say like a fucking bear starts talking to you,

[11:05] you probably won't, like, shoot it with a flamethrower quite as quickly.

[11:08] You are obsessed with shooting bears with flamethrowers. No one does that.

[11:11] Yeah, let's pull back the Flophouse curtain a little bit and talk about how we were discussing

[11:16] bachelor parties before this and Stewart's ideal bachelor party involves shooting a bear with a flamethrower.

[11:23] Well, yeah, I mean, that's not that weird, right?

[11:25] Members of, you know, the American Society to Prevent Cruelty Against Animals.

[11:32] PETA, right?

[11:33] No, PETA's the crazy one.

[11:35] Well, where would you do this, though?

[11:37] In Eastern Europe.

[11:38] So the ASPCA has no jurisdiction.

[11:39] They wouldn't give a shit.

[11:40] It would just be the SPCA.

[11:41] They'd rather me do that in Eastern Europe than here on American soil.

[11:44] I don't think that's how it works.

[11:45] My bachelor party involves driving a tank, shooting bears with flamethrowers, maybe, you know, probably naked girls.

[11:54] So, ladies, if you want to take this guy off the market and make this bachelor party happen.

[11:59] If you think there's one too many bears in this world.

[12:02] Right.

[12:03] So wait, I'm getting it.

[12:05] She wants to marry me simply so a bear will die.

[12:08] Like maybe this bear killed her family and she's like, oh, you have to kill Old Smokey, the greatest bear in the world.

[12:13] This bear that killed my family.

[12:15] You kill him, I marry you.

[12:16] Maybe you'll marry a Stephen Colbert.

[12:18] I'd want to marry that woman if, like, she's got that sexy accent.

[12:23] Oh, yeah, she's a gorgeous Eastern European.

[12:24] She's got like a revenge scenario.

[12:25] Yeah, it sounds awesome.

[12:26] You've got everything I've always loved.

[12:28] An accent, a vendetta.

[12:30] Possibly an eye patch because one of her eyes got clawed out by a bear.

[12:33] Now she's just Molotov cocktails from Venture Brothers.

[12:36] Yeah, that's probably right.

[12:37] Okay, but in American Carols.

[12:39] This is a good movie.

[12:40] Okay, yeah.

[12:41] So it was more than like he's shooting, like, talking zombies.

[12:43] Well, because the idea was that.

[12:44] They're not really zombies anymore.

[12:45] The metaphor, and it's kind of, it's not a bad joke metaphor, is that the ACLU are like zombies because they're constant and unstoppable and unceasing.

[12:53] Implicable.

[12:54] I don't know.

[12:55] I think that is a bad metaphor because that's not what I think of when I think of the ACLU.

[12:58] But it's their point of view about the ACLU.

[13:00] I can understand that one as if you see the ACLU as an organization that exists to stand in the way of police and the government, which it's not, but you may think that way.

[13:12] Then this is a good metaphor for that.

[13:14] It's one of the few things of creativity in the movie that I thought was, like, kind of clever, even though I disagreed with it.

[13:19] More so, say, than their irrational hatred of Columbia University.

[13:23] That was weird.

[13:24] They just keep, all of the student protests and teacher and crappy professors who hate America are at Columbia.

[13:32] Yeah, Columbia, the real center of leftist dissent in America.

[13:36] And, you know, granted, as we were talking about, you know, the 1968 protests, which I think were being obliquely referenced in this movie.

[13:46] Very obliquely.

[13:48] Ahmadinejad.

[13:49] But I don't know.

[13:51] Like, they have these parent figures come in and being like, what?

[13:57] This is what you're teaching our children?

[13:59] This is where our college money is going to?

[14:01] And it's like, yes.

[14:03] The firefly.

[14:05] Ghosts.

[14:07] You have been paying to send your child to an Ivy League university.

[14:12] Like, oh, my God.

[14:14] They might get a good job after school.

[14:17] It will look good on their transcript.

[14:19] Nobody is getting a good job after school these days.

[14:21] No.

[14:22] No.

[14:23] Listeners.

[14:24] Yeah, Dan, you know.

[14:25] Stay at home.

[14:26] Chimney sweeps.

[14:27] That was another.

[14:28] That was one of many unnecessary song and dance numbers.

[14:30] Or was there?

[14:31] I feel like there were a ton, but now I can't really remember any besides that and the country song at the end that said America is the best country in the world, which is true.

[14:39] And then to back that up, it said we've got the Army, the Marines, the Navy, and the Air Force, which are good things that we have.

[14:45] Even though the Marines are technically the Navy.

[14:47] I mean, like, that seems like a – maybe you just put that in to keep the balance of the –

[14:51] They've become kind of their own branch in a lot of ways.

[14:53] But they – like, that's not the reason – like, America has a very strong, great military, but that's not what makes a country great.

[15:00] No, that's the reason.

[15:01] That's what makes it great, Elliot.

[15:02] No.

[15:03] As an American Carol proves at the end when Michael Malone is looking out into the audience and he sees soldiers from each generation going back to the Minutemen.

[15:13] He's like, oh, I get it.

[15:15] Wait, were those ghosts?

[15:16] They were.

[15:17] I'm not sure if they were ghosts or he was just seeing things.

[15:19] Like, I have to – like, as someone who – I have never served in the military and I never will because I am deathly afraid of it.

[15:26] But the – like –

[15:28] So you're so strapping in.

[15:30] Thank you.

[15:31] Also, they wouldn't take me because my eyesight is terrible and I weigh about 100 pounds.

[15:35] But the – like, I have incredible respect for the military and I've teared up reading books about the Civil War or World War II or the Vietnam War because of the things these men have gone through to protect America.

[15:46] But that – them fighting to protect America is not the basis for America's great – like, they're fighting to protect a great country that's great for several reasons.

[15:56] They're not fighting because it's great to be fighting for this country because they are great fighters or something.

[16:02] Well, the reason America is great is not the same reason that Rome was great.

[16:05] Right.

[16:06] Like, Rome was great because it conquered a bunch of places.

[16:08] Like, America is great because –

[16:09] Yeah, because they had really good military tactics.

[16:11] The greatest system of government.

[16:12] The greatest –

[16:13] You're saying that this movie has basically the same philosophy as the film 300?

[16:17] Yeah, very much so, which is weird because 300 is basically about the Iraqi insurgency fighting off the United States.

[16:23] This giant multicultural force comes in and these guys go, oh, we've got to protect everybody and kill everybody.

[16:31] I thought it was about dudes with really good bodies battling.

[16:34] Well, it's about guys cutting off the heads of giants in slow motion and shooting spears into a rhinoceros's eyes and things like that.

[16:40] Yeah, that's great.

[16:41] It's about the visionary director Zack Snyder.

[16:43] Yeah, really wet pecs.

[16:46] You could have called the movie Wet Pecs.

[16:48] I'd have fucking seen it.

[16:49] Gather ye round and listen to the story of Wet Pecs.

[16:54] Now, guys, we'll talk about Wet Pecs a little later.

[16:57] Onward to Wet Pecs!

[17:00] Sounds like a great movie.

[17:01] I know you guys know me.

[17:03] You know how much I like a movie with a bunch of ghosts and zombies and shit.

[17:06] The thing that's weird is that –

[17:08] This thing do it for you?

[17:09] The weird thing about this movie is there were a lot of scenes where there were ghosts doing shit.

[17:12] Yeah.

[17:13] And you have your main character, the Michael Moore guy who was –

[17:16] Michael Malone.

[17:17] Michael Malone, who could play –

[17:18] Kevin Farley.

[17:19] Kevin Farley.

[17:20] Chris Farley's brother.

[17:21] Now, wait.

[17:22] Was that –

[17:23] Now, Chris Farley, a guy that I was not a huge fan of in life but I have so much respect for.

[17:29] Now, is – he named Kevin Farley as like a parody of Chris Farley?

[17:33] No, that's his name.

[17:34] No, that's his actual name.

[17:35] Oh, that's his actual name.

[17:36] That's his actual – yeah.

[17:37] He's also in rental car commercials.

[17:39] So, okay.

[17:40] So, clearly the main character can see the ghosts because they're talking and shit like that.

[17:44] Well, they're coming to visit him.

[17:45] But there's a couple weird scenes where all of a sudden, like, other people can see the ghosts?

[17:49] Yeah.

[17:50] And the ghosts are, like, shooting people in a subway and people are like,

[17:53] Oh, wow.

[17:54] Okay.

[17:55] I guess that terrorist got shot by a ghost.

[17:57] Like, what's –

[17:58] Maybe it's like Ghost Town, the movie with Ricky Gervais.

[18:02] But, like, there are a couple people who are in Ricky Gervais' situation.

[18:05] Oh, okay.

[18:06] And they're – what kind of, like, name would they be called?

[18:09] Like, trancers or ghosters or –

[18:11] I would call them second-siders.

[18:13] Okay, second-siders.

[18:14] Yeah.

[18:15] So, there's a number of these second-siders around the world.

[18:17] Yeah, they have a loose network which keeps the earth safe.

[18:20] Space ghosts.

[18:21] Now, is there –

[18:22] Is that the John Larroquette, Bronson Pinchot film?

[18:24] That's Second Sight.

[18:25] Yeah, that's Second Sight.

[18:26] Now, is there an organization, possibly quasi-Catholic, that is dedicated to the eradication of second-siders?

[18:33] Yeah, let's call them ex-cathedras.

[18:36] Ex-cathedras.

[18:37] I like it.

[18:38] And they battle the second-siders for the fate of the souls of the earth,

[18:42] not realizing that the greater threat lies outside.

[18:45] Man, this movie was great.

[18:47] Yeah.

[18:48] I think we'll call it Wet Pics.

[18:52] Wet Pics 2.

[18:54] Peck it in.

[18:55] The Grecian Adventure.

[18:57] Pics through time.

[18:59] And I was just glad to see Kevin Sorbo got a paycheck from this.

[19:03] Yeah.

[19:04] It's been a long time since Andromeda got canceled, you know?

[19:06] Yeah, and Call the Conqueror was awesome.

[19:08] So, guys –

[19:09] Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

[19:10] This was directed by David Zucker, one-third of Zucker, Abram Zucker.

[19:15] Yeah, and it was 30% of that.

[19:17] Where do I know that name from, Dan?

[19:19] I'm a listener at home.

[19:20] Kentucky Fried Movie.

[19:21] Kentucky Fried Movie, okay.

[19:23] Airplane.

[19:24] Okay, I like those.

[19:25] Top Secret, Police Squad, Naked Gun from the Files of Police Squad.

[19:29] At one point, a very funny guy –

[19:31] Is Hot Shots there also?

[19:32] Hot Shots was at least two of them.

[19:35] What about Jane Austen's Mafia?

[19:37] I think that was maybe one.

[19:39] I don't know.

[19:40] That was the thing.

[19:41] Once they split apart, they all sort of made their own –

[19:43] What about Scary Movie 3?

[19:45] Which one did they do?

[19:47] Scary Movie 3, yes, was a Zucker production.

[19:50] They took over after the second one.

[19:52] Which one was the one with Chris Elliott in it?

[19:55] The second one.

[19:56] You're thinking of Cabin Boy.

[19:58] I am thinking of Cabin Boy.

[19:59] That was cool.

[20:00] but the point is a funny guy but has uh... been overcome with just like

[20:05] everything on his movies is on the nose

[20:08] like hilarious but also for a for a guy who's made so many movies like this is a

[20:12] really poorly produced poorly made was just a polemic in the thing is like the

[20:16] david zucker's one of these guys i've read interview in interviews with him and

[20:20] he's one of these guys

[20:21] uh... who became

[20:23] a republican

[20:24] after nine eleven like this miller he's like all right for george w bush i'm

[20:28] gonna become a republican now

[20:31] however like

[20:32] that always baffles me because it's only a tiger number one

[20:36] it's not like democrats weren't angered by the terrorist attacks

[20:40] it seems like they were just looking for an excuse to be assholes are like a

[20:43] terrorism came along

[20:45] this is our chance

[20:46] but also like

[20:47] after this movie was made

[20:49] in the waning days of the bush administration like after all that

[20:53] happens to still cling to this like

[20:56] strain well that's when you need it the most when you know

[20:59] the country is turned against that way of thinking like that's when you read

[21:03] all your efforts to

[21:04] you don't make a movie like an american carol when people like

[21:07] agree with you know you know when people disagree that's the other thing like it

[21:10] the

[21:10] for me it's a maybe it's an act of bravery

[21:14] to produce this terrible film

[21:16] maybe it's terrible unfunny film

[21:18] but i think i like the version of liberalism presented in this movie

[21:21] is such a crazy straw man

[21:23] and as someone elliot who like works

[21:26] who deals with crazy straw men all day

[21:29] well no but like

[21:30] at least uh... you're you know like the daily show traffics in

[21:35] sort of left-leaning political satire

[21:37] which hangs people up every now and then

[21:40] but it hangs people by their own words

[21:43] it's different when it's a show than a movie because like we can show people

[21:46] saying things but

[21:47] it's true i mean we try to do as much as possible

[21:51] things that are grounded in reality as opposed to those

[21:55] does that i wish we didn't reserve your list of characters like they have to be

[21:59] a rosie o'donnell they have a rosie o'donnell character is called

[22:01] hilariously rosie o'connell i think

[22:04] well she was supposed to be rosie o'donnell yeah

[22:06] and they have rosie o'donnell talking about her documentary film

[22:10] about how evil christians are and it's like

[22:12] dot rosie o'donnell doesn't make documentaries

[22:15] i don't remember her specifically coming out against christians maybe when they

[22:18] maybe it involved her lesbianism

[22:20] if it was a failed broadway musical about how awful christians are

[22:23] i mean i know she's a bitch but

[22:25] but it just like

[22:27] you guys get a real clue

[22:28] but it was just it was just weird

[22:30] that was when you were going to slip under the radar

[22:32] stewart's calling out rosie o'donnell on our podcast yeah let's battle

[22:36] but it's just weird because it's like

[22:37] why are you like i guess she says she said liberal things i guess this must

[22:41] have been made when she was still on the view

[22:43] and she was like

[22:44] the hardcore liberal opposite elizabeth hasselbeck but it's just weird to

[22:47] attack her

[22:49] as a liberal documentary and attacking christians when i'm like

[22:52] i don't really think of her that way i mean i think i've heard it as as an

[22:55] irritating what do you want a funny comedian do you think they are there

[22:59] picked a name out of a hat or they had an actor selected more like who is this

[23:03] kind of overweight actors look like i think they said we need to have a rosie

[23:06] o'donnell character but

[23:08] let me figure out something for her to do a daily variety put out a call for

[23:11] uh... rosie o'donnell types

[23:13] yeah maybe

[23:15] maybe it was that they were like you know what

[23:17] she's wearing a beret for some reason you know who i think is stupid and hilarious looking rosie

[23:21] o'donnell let's get somebody that we can uh... that looks like that so we can laugh at her together

[23:25] but the same way that they had like

[23:26] a guy playing jimmy carter talking about and and like the we're talking about how

[23:29] great it is that america's gonna surrender to terrorists

[23:34] not only did they not get

[23:36] someone who looked or sounded anything like jimmy carter because again they

[23:39] only hired shitty celebrity impersonators

[23:43] to have to attack jimmy carter

[23:45] fucking cartoon like they could use a cgi like character that would have been more

[23:49] realistic they could have used the like archival footage of jimmy carter and just dubbed it in

[23:53] to attack him for being not a very good president

[23:56] to attack him for being

[23:58] to for not

[23:59] you know solving the iranian hostage crisis magically or to attack him for

[24:04] you know his liberal uh... like you can do those things but to exaggerate it to

[24:07] that

[24:08] degree invalidates what you're saying like it's crazy

[24:10] and speaking of uh... the terrorist taking over uh...

[24:14] the movie's version of what would happen if we lost the war on terror

[24:18] is that apparently

[24:20] i guess the terrorists invade america and take it over and it's basically the

[24:24] same except for instead of like gaps around there's a bunch of burka stores

[24:27] and but they still have

[24:29] a space level pizza place that says new york style pizza in big neon letters

[24:32] yeah there's like coca cola signs like

[24:35] everywhere

[24:36] ultimately fucking life didn't seem to change so i guess i'm ok they changed the hollywood signs

[24:40] and said aloha bar that i wouldn't bother me that much

[24:43] if that's all it takes to end the war on terror than they were just let them

[24:47] invade which is apparently according to david zucker what's going to happen

[24:50] and i don't want to get off on too many political rants because this is a movie

[24:53] podcast but like

[24:54] the uh... the thing that would bother me so much in the two thousand eight

[24:57] presidential race was this

[24:59] this is something that romney is to say more than other guys but the idea like

[25:02] these people want to come in

[25:04] and establish a caliphate over america

[25:06] and take it over

[25:07] and we're not gonna let that happen it's like how that's

[25:10] that you could

[25:11] there are no amount of cities in america that you could blow up

[25:14] that americans will be like

[25:16] i guess we're just gonna have to submit to this you know

[25:18] extreme islamic law that's gonna be like red dawn or something that's going to

[25:22] parachute into uh... like it's an insult to the colorado and harry dean stanton is

[25:26] going to need you to avenge him

[25:28] it's an insult to the strength of will of the american people that after a certain point

[25:32] they'll be like

[25:32] i can't take any more of this

[25:34] i'd better just convert to islam and i do with these guys tell me well and

[25:37] elliot there can't be more like

[25:39] let's say there are a number so let's say there are

[25:42] a hundred thousand terrorists

[25:44] you would need

[25:45] ten to a hundred

[25:47] i don't know

[25:48] tell you know many more times than many people to conquer the united states of

[25:52] america like

[25:53] it's an honor it's the strongest country in the world it's enormous yeah we're

[25:56] going to do like breed with alien dns and i have like a tons of babies and

[26:00] that's x files to move to fight the future stewart don't say that they're

[26:04] going to get ideas from the podcast

[26:06] it's just so insulting to alien babies

[26:08] we've you know

[26:09] that there hasn't been you know a full-scale war on our soil since

[26:13] on the subject of alien babies i just watched uh... i watched species two the other day

[26:18] and uh... that was great

[26:20] a lot of alien babies in that but what was great was that uh... basically the premise is

[26:24] there's an alien guy who's uh...

[26:26] you know this astronaut gets alien dna mixed in his own stuff so he's like part

[26:31] and they just goes around having sex with women and they immediately erupt

[26:34] with a baby out of their stomach and die

[26:37] like it's just it's a it's a it's a male view of of pregnancy i think it's

[26:41] out there i think that's what it is it was

[26:43] was have sex with this woman all of a sudden there's a baby exploding out of her

[26:47] stomach all i did was put in for a second

[26:49] now aliens are going to destroy the world

[26:52] uh... what a great movie

[26:54] i'll never forget that there's a uh... sam and max cartoon that showed

[26:57] where they were like did you know and it's like

[27:00] women into like a man think of babies as parasites living inside a woman's

[27:03] stomach and just uh...

[27:05] max as a as a fetus inside a woman

[27:07] uh... gleefully slamming i'm a parasite on the parasite

[27:10] is the idea of uh... babies as parasites feeding off their hosts

[27:14] i don't know what's strange about that

[27:16] allow but um...

[27:17] so before we we can wrap up soon

[27:21] elliot as the flop house historian

[27:24] uh... which i think you are

[27:25] i believe you have a lot of problems with the arthur schlesinger junior

[27:29] distinguished chair of history at the flop house

[27:32] but the the movie's view of history i think you had a few issues it was just

[27:37] that they seem to be saying

[27:39] they were well it was like

[27:40] we have to fight this war if we hadn't fought in world war two

[27:44] hitler would've taken over if we hadn't fought the civil war there still be

[27:47] slaves that's why we gotta fight this war and it did this

[27:51] idea that all wars are equal and you know we have to

[27:54] obviously wars one of what

[27:57] everything good in america came out of war which is crazy we got velcro from

[28:00] the space program hello

[28:02] and hang

[28:04] you know it just it was this very ridiculous thing of like and i'll give

[28:07] you this is a program for one of those

[28:10] in theory is more of a

[28:11] and moved in moon boots yes

[28:14] and ceramics but it was like

[28:15] just the idea that

[28:17] that like this work what's different between this war in the civil war and

[28:20] over the world war two nothing

[28:22] this is the position that's the worst thing

[28:25] come on let's do this everybody

[28:28] you don't want the you don't want the iraqis to be slaves to southern land

[28:31] owners

[28:32] were killed by hitler done

[28:34] it was just very you know

[28:35] yeah and there are

[28:36] i mean i think there were two more critique the movie rather than the

[28:39] allegations of the ideology in the middle of the road their way of

[28:42] presenting hitler's as this like

[28:44] kind of silly guy hanging out with mussolini and hirahito like dancing

[28:49] it was just it was

[28:50] they're trying to shoehorn jokes into

[28:52] of the night a lot ideological structure of the jokes they picked reflect not

[28:56] as they were hamstrung they couldn't be

[28:58] or connect and in by that by the story they couldn't put in funny jokes like

[29:01] they like let's throw a banjo in the scene that's funny hey let's but have

[29:05] this guy fall over that's funny like it's these

[29:07] he's dealing with slaves let's get gary colman is one of his slaves like that'll

[29:11] be hilarious

[29:12] it was a little early no it's not there's no there's no more overused

[29:15] celebrity cameo than gary colman except

[29:17] for paris hilton who i believe is also in the movie unless you're a person

[29:21] gary colman's really short though

[29:23] he's very well then you can also get like a child manuel lewis or something

[29:28] that's not quite as funny

[29:29] well what about the late for a bell chest

[29:31] that's funny

[29:33] if you have the corpse of her

[29:35] like a mummy

[29:36] you can't get the money for

[29:38] the return of a religious ladies in the money that way there's a fourth money

[29:43] i will be when i make it

[29:45] is brennan fraser gonna be back again and he's a mommy

[29:48] uh... while this is a new kind of money where if you get bitten you turn into a

[29:51] moment

[29:52] okay is this one of the in three d

[29:54] it's called money for forty

[29:56] forty okay was the fourth dimension time all movies are three-dimensional

[30:00] Okay, so wait, what time, wait, it's going to be an hour and a half, right?

[30:05] Wait, what time am I seeing this movie?

[30:08] Yes.

[30:09] The movie will be a trim 74 minutes.

[30:11] Are there going to be yetis in this one too?

[30:13] Yes.

[30:14] Well, Wendigo's, that's like yetis.

[30:16] Yeah, but they, wait.

[30:17] Those are Native American yetis.

[30:19] And they're cannibals.

[30:20] Yeah, they're cannibals.

[30:21] That's too bad.

[30:22] And there's going to be a lot of...

[30:23] Cannibal yetis.

[30:24] And I know you're going to want to see it, Stewart, so I'm putting Christina Hendricks

[30:26] in with no top on.

[30:28] But I do want to see it now.

[30:30] Or wait, I did before when there were yetis and gummies.

[30:32] Whoa, whoa.

[30:33] It's like my favorite things in one place.

[30:35] You're spending several millions of investors' dollars just designing a film that Stewart

[30:39] wants to see.

[30:40] Stewart is going to see it multiple times.

[30:42] I still don't think it's a good return.

[30:44] I mean, even if you saw it every day in the theaters.

[30:47] I've got a hunch on this one.

[30:48] Okay.

[30:49] I think a lot like the rest of America.

[30:52] And I think America's going to want to see this movie.

[30:55] You're the most perfect focus group we've found.

[30:57] I know.

[30:58] All right, let's roll.

[30:59] It's called An American Mummy in Paris.

[31:01] Whoa!

[31:02] Excuse me for a second, okay?

[31:05] I'm just getting over the title.

[31:06] It's great.

[31:07] It ends in a lengthy mummy ballet number.

[31:09] It's called An American Mummy in Paris, The Quickening.

[31:11] Oh, interesting.

[31:13] I didn't realize that mummies could obtain the quickening.

[31:16] Yeah, they can in this movie, yeah.

[31:18] Okay.

[31:19] Yeah, and Mad Max is in it, too.

[31:20] Mad Max?

[31:21] Yeah.

[31:22] Is it just going to be like they're going to use Photoshop or something to cut them

[31:26] out of the scenes from The Road Warrior and just like stick them in there?

[31:29] Or is it just going to be Mel Gibson?

[31:31] Well, we've got a time machine and we're going back to 1981 to get that Mel Gibson.

[31:34] Okay.

[31:35] We're going to bring him in.

[31:36] That's cool.

[31:37] I don't think that's the best use of time machine technology.

[31:38] It's the only use of time machine technology.

[31:40] Everyone knows that time machine technology should only be used to hunt dinosaurs.

[31:44] What do you think the sequel's going to have?

[31:47] An American Mummy in the Mississaugas.

[31:49] That's what it's called.

[31:50] And he fights a dinosaur.

[31:52] Okay, so American Carol.

[31:53] Yeah, I think we should wrap this segment up.

[31:55] Yeah, very bad movie.

[31:56] With our final judgments on American Carol.

[31:58] Final judgments.

[31:59] Is it a bad, bad movie?

[32:03] A movie that's not worth anything?

[32:05] A good, bad movie?

[32:06] A movie that's sort of funny in its badness?

[32:08] Or a movie that you kind of like in some way?

[32:11] Stuart.

[32:12] Yeah, Dan, there's nothing good about this movie.

[32:15] The only thing that was good was when it was over and I didn't have to watch it anymore.

[32:21] It felt like an 80-minute long mad TV sketch, except with worse celebrity impersonators.

[32:26] And worse production values.

[32:27] Yeah, terrible.

[32:29] There were very, very rare segments where I'm like, oh, that's a good Zucker Abrams, Zucker joke.

[32:36] Like when Robert Dowdy is pretending to be like a caterer at a party

[32:44] and his terrorist compatriots don't recognize him.

[32:47] Dudes.

[32:48] And then he pulls down his fake beard to reveal a real beard beneath it that'll look exactly the same

[32:53] and suddenly they recognize him.

[32:54] That was funny.

[32:55] I'm like, oh, that's a good gag.

[32:56] However.

[32:57] And there was one point in time where they're eating at a diner

[33:00] and for no reason there was Seinfeld music in and out of the scene.

[33:03] Yeah, that was more strange than funny.

[33:05] It made me laugh because of the complete randomness of the joke.

[33:08] Like, I guess they're in a diner, so that's why Seinfeld.

[33:10] But other than like those very rare occasions, this may be the worst movie we've watched.

[33:16] I mean it's not boring in the way that 10,000 B.C. or Bangkok Dangerous was bad.

[33:23] Manics.

[33:25] However, just in terms of making me like angry and check my watch, this might be the worst.

[33:34] I would say, yeah, even putting aside politics, just in terms of like joke level

[33:43] and also just as a movie this might be the worst thing that we've watched.

[33:47] In terms of production values, story structure, the fact that the movie,

[33:51] like even for this kind of movie you don't expect like a strong three-act structure,

[33:55] but it just kept lurching forward and you never knew what part of the movie.

[33:58] There were two or three times where we were like, movie's still going?

[34:02] Like is there any more to do in this movie?

[34:04] Like you didn't know if you were.

[34:05] Even at 82 minutes long.

[34:06] You didn't know if you were 20 minutes in or if you were 70 minutes in.

[34:10] I kind of wish that I was the character that Nicolas Cage played in the movie Next,

[34:14] where I could see what happens next and I could see how shitty this movie was

[34:18] and then not watch it and instead have somebody else watch this one with you guys.

[34:22] Yeah, it was.

[34:24] You could go hang out with your buddy.

[34:26] Peter Falk.

[34:27] Oh, yeah.

[34:28] Peter Falk was in that movie.

[34:30] A plus.

[34:31] I thought for a second that you knew Peter Falk somehow.

[34:33] Oh, yeah, I do.

[34:34] He's my weird old uncle.

[34:35] Oh, wow.

[34:37] And by weird, I mean I think he's got some kind of disease or had a stroke or something.

[34:41] That's what's weird about him.

[34:42] But, yeah, I would agree this is a bad, bad movie.

[34:45] Terrible.

[34:46] Even putting aside politics.

[34:47] Yeah, it's just not even made well.

[34:48] If I was a Republican, I would say this is a poorly made movie in every respect.

[34:51] I don't know about that.

[34:52] I was looking on the, I mean, granted, only idiots post on the IMDB message boards.

[34:58] Even if I was Michael Medved, I would think this was a bad movie.

[35:02] There were plenty of people who were like, finally, a movie for us.

[35:05] And I cried.

[35:07] I just feel bad for that person.

[35:10] The movie that's finally for them is made really poorly.

[35:13] Yeah, it's really bad.

[35:14] And, yeah.

[35:15] I also wonder what movies they're seeing that aren't.

[35:17] Because, like, the thing is, most Hollywood movies are not liberal.

[35:20] But people in Hollywood are liberal.

[35:22] Like, they're outspokenly liberal in their private life.

[35:24] But, like, you don't see that many movies that are so outwardly, unless it's like racism is bad.

[35:30] Well, yeah, we can all agree on that.

[35:31] I mean, particularly, like, most action films are sort of inherently, I don't know, not Republican, but conservative in their viewpoint.

[35:40] Because they fall on the idea of good and evil and force being the way to defeat evil.

[35:44] Right.

[35:45] And certainly as a fairly liberal guy, like, I enjoy that shit.

[35:49] I watched fucking 24, which is like almost camp for, like, a liberal to watch.

[35:56] And I was like, this is ridiculous.

[35:57] Oh, how can Jack Bauer torture another person?

[36:00] But I still enjoy it.

[36:02] Yeah.

[36:03] The weirdest thing about it is, like, this movie is made by a bunch of, like, Hollywood types, right?

[36:08] Yeah.

[36:09] Who are tired of, you know, the liberal Hollywood.

[36:11] Well, basically every Republican in Hollywood is in this movie.

[36:14] Except that Ron Silver wasn't in it, which is weird.

[36:16] What I think is weird is how the focus is on, like, New York being really liberal.

[36:22] When, like, fucking right across the street is San Francisco.

[36:25] Yeah, they spend very little time in Hollywood.

[36:27] And I would think that, like – I would think they'd be more frustrated with, like, San Francisco types and shit.

[36:32] I think it's almost more like because New York is where the World Trade Center attacks took place except for the attack on the Pentagon.

[36:39] And Columbia.

[36:40] Those assholes at Columbia.

[36:41] And Columbia.

[36:42] But it's like, if any place should get it, New York is.

[36:45] But also maybe, like, they went to Vancouver and it looked more like New York than Hollywood.

[36:48] They need to knock us down a few notches, us New Yorkers.

[36:51] I've been schooled.

[36:52] But I will say that their portrayal of the basement of Madison Square Garden is not that off.

[36:56] All right.

[36:57] Well, we end on a positive note.

[36:59] Although I don't remember any pizza boxes with pizza and rats in them, as the movie portrays.

[37:04] I'm going to read one email here from Andrew, last name withheld.

[37:09] So many people from the same family.

[37:11] The last name withheld is right into the show.

[37:13] Well, it's a large family.

[37:15] They breed a lot and they give everyone iPods.

[37:19] And the title of it is Best Original Screenplay is Confusing.

[37:24] Period.

[37:25] Period.

[37:26] And this is mainly directed to you, Elliot.

[37:28] It says, Gulp.

[37:30] Since you guys have a member of the esteemed WGA on your podcast.

[37:34] WGA East.

[37:35] I hope to finally get a damn answer to a question that plagues me every award season.

[37:39] Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.

[37:41] Hey, settle down.

[37:42] I am already maybe not even going to answer this letter.

[37:45] I don't like their tone.

[37:47] How is something like Milk considered an original screenplay?

[37:52] It's still an adaptation, but from a real life and not another work.

[37:55] I mean, the character of Harvey Milk did not spring out of the head of Zeus for the screenwriter.

[38:00] He got the idea from an outside source and then adapted it into a screenplay.

[38:05] It just seems weird that a Charlie Kaufman script is in the same category as a biopic.

[38:10] Here's the difference.

[38:12] It's not whether it's a wholly original idea that came from only your brain, but the fact if it's adapted from a specific preexisting written source.

[38:20] If Milk had been adapted from one specific biography of Harvey Milk, it would have been an adaptation.

[38:25] But the idea is that even though you have all of Harvey Milk's life to deal with, the structure is yours.

[38:31] What things you choose to talk about are yours.

[38:33] What things you choose to highlight in the movie.

[38:35] The movie starts in 1960 when Harvey Milk is already 40 years old.

[38:40] He had nothing of his life before the age of 40 when he moves to San Francisco.

[38:43] It was the screenwriter chose to start, or somebody involved in the creation of the screenplay chose to start it there, end it with right after his death, and to deal with specific things in between.

[38:54] He focuses in a lot of detail on the individual races Harvey Milk ran in and lost before he won the city council seat, and relatively little time on when he was on the council.

[39:05] He deals with certain aspects of Harvey Milk's personal life, but not very much with, say, Harvey Milk's family or, like I was saying, his past or his upbringing.

[39:13] It's all – and some of the characters in it I'm sure are fictionalized versions of people that Harvey Milk knew.

[39:20] Or in some cases, like James Franco's character, I don't remember if he was a real person or if he was a combination of figures to represent that person in Harvey Milk's life.

[39:30] So all these are considered original screenplay whatsits.

[39:33] Now, what if the screenwriter had adapted it from the food item milk?

[39:38] Well –

[39:39] With the thing you drink?

[39:41] In that case, it would be a more interesting film in some ways, but it would be considered –

[39:46] It would be like Flatland.

[39:48] It's a good question. I don't think they've ever had anything that was adapted from a product as opposed to – but for instance –

[39:52] It probably doesn't have a character arc.

[39:54] Like American Gangster was adapted from a magazine article.

[39:57] So even though that was based on a true story –

[40:00] if it had been nominated for Best Screenplay, which it wasn't because it was a terrible script,

[40:03] it would have been, I think it was, and I don't remember, it would have been Best Adapted

[40:06] Screenplay. I mean, however, the writer is not crazy in that this does lend itself to some really

[40:15] weird distinctions in that, say, Oh Brother Where Art Thou was a Best Adapted Screenplay nominee

[40:23] because it was based on The Odyssey by Homer, when it wasn't really based on The Odyssey by

[40:29] Homer. Well, that's the Coen Brothers kind of paying the price a little bit for choosing to

[40:33] refer to it as an adaptation of The Odyssey instead of just writing it, saying it's an

[40:38] original screenplay, and then saying like, we took elements from The Odyssey and put it in.

[40:44] It's partly based on how it's listed in the credits for the film. The same way that the

[40:49] people who are nominated for the award are the people who are officially credited with the film,

[40:53] which doesn't always represent everyone who worked on the movie. But for instance,

[40:56] I'm working on a project right now in my own spare time, which is None, so it's going to take

[41:00] me years to do this. This is like a look behind the curtain of Elliot Palin. Which is a biography

[41:05] of, which is a stage production or stage play about a real person's life, and I'm going to

[41:13] read all the biographies written about this person because there's only been about three or four of

[41:16] them. Why is it taking so long, Elliot? I haven't started the reading yet. I mean, I've read one of

[41:21] them before and I have to reread it, but I'm not going to be adapting it. It's about me, isn't it?

[41:25] Yes, it's about Stuart Wellington. There's only been three books written about you.

[41:28] It's called Stuart with Stuart. I didn't approve that.

[41:33] But I already know I'm focusing on only two specific years in this person's life. I'm not

[41:39] going to adapt it directly from the biographies. I'm not going to use any phrases from the

[41:42] biographies. I'm just using them for background information. And maybe I'll quote primary

[41:47] documents if I want to, but it's not... Because you're angling for the best

[41:51] original script Tony award. Exactly. This will be an OB,

[41:55] if anything. This is not coming to Broadway. Hugh Jackman hands it to you at the podium.

[41:59] Yeah, he could very well. And I'm going to be like, whoa, I don't want your claws to hit me,

[42:02] Wolverine. But that's the difference. But ultimately, what it really is, is whether

[42:07] it's credited as an adaptation or not, but what it is, is even if it's based on a real person's life,

[42:14] the screenwriter is still choosing how to present it, and all of the dialogue might

[42:17] be completely invented. Yeah. So I hope that this member of the WGA East has cleared that up for

[42:23] you. That was a burn. This has been another episode of Ask a Member of the WGA East.

[42:32] I have to make it clear because they are technically two brother unions who are

[42:36] affiliated, but not the same organization. And that was the only letter. However,

[42:41] Stuart, I wanted to open this up to you. It's the only letter. We need more.

[42:45] Write in, people. I wanted to open this up to you, though. We did letters when you were

[42:50] gone. OK. And one of the questions was about superheroes. And because of that,

[42:57] I thought that you needed to be included in this. OK. There was a question of if we were superheroes,

[43:04] the Flophouse crew, what our powers would be, what our what our costume would look like,

[43:10] you know, how the public would react to us. And you weren't here. So I want to open up those

[43:15] questions to you, like what your superhero would be. I see myself. Wait, is this like what I would

[43:23] like to be or what actually would be what you would be as a member of the Flophouse? You're

[43:28] not you're not Captain Dark Raven. OK, you're your real self. I don't have like really cool

[43:32] long hair. You're not Steel Star Demon Wolf or something. Oh, wait, you have to come up with a

[43:38] name, too. Well, if you like, man, like I would imagine that my superpower would be similar to

[43:45] that one guy in the Hellfire Club that could increase his body mass. OK, I remember him.

[43:50] And he fell on top of Wolverine. Yeah, I could. That'd be me. Like, I could increase my on top

[43:55] of Wolverine really proactively. He's a big fat guy. Yeah. Knock him down a few notches.

[44:02] Because, come on. I mean, like Wolverine. Fuck that guy. And then. Yeah. So I think I could do

[44:06] that. Like I'd make myself really dense and just be really immobile, kind of like the blob. Like

[44:12] nothing would move me. I just kind of sit there and people say you're a bad superhero. Yeah,

[44:18] but I'm like a no nonsense kind of guy, too. You know, and maybe maybe I'm really,

[44:23] really smart or maybe telepathic. I like. No, wait. I have X-ray vision, too. Wait.

[44:31] I think that you should have some sort of mustache superpower. Well, I have a mustache.

[44:36] That doesn't have to be like. Well, when we entered this for you, you were called the stash.

[44:40] That's pretty. Oh, nice. OK, now what's your superhero name? Reimagining. OK,

[44:46] I'm just an average everyday guy. Burton's. OK, this is the Tim Burton version. Yep. And OK,

[44:53] so the Watcher is watching me. OK. And in this version of reality, instead of getting that power

[44:58] that makes me really dense, I'm just an average everyday high school kid. And then an alien

[45:04] mustache attaches itself to my face. OK, so it's like Green Lantern a little bit. I like Green

[45:10] Lantern. I can't make stuff that's green. Colors don't matter that much. The mustache is always

[45:16] kind of getting me into trouble. And that's about it. OK, fair enough. And I wear a domino when I'm

[45:24] fighting crime, like a domino mask. Yeah, that's not much of a disguise, but I guess you can't

[45:29] cover it. I was imagining an actual domino, just like a tiny domino in the middle of your chest.

[45:35] Like a pendant? If anyone. Like it was like a completely blank, you know, like a tank top.

[45:43] And what's your name and what's your superhero name? Uh, let's see. The Widowmaker. OK,

[45:50] the Widowmaker. K-19. I want people to write in if they know the name of that Hellfire Club

[45:55] character. I think it was Leland, but I don't remember. Leland Palmer? It was Leland Palmer.

[46:01] No. All the way from the town of Twin Peaks to join the Hellfire Club. He'll be the white bishop.

[46:07] All those characters have names like Fitzroy or Leland or Tolliver or, you know, Shaw. Yeah,

[46:13] there's nothing more scary than sort of a foppish British person. A vaguely UK

[46:19] fop, yeah. Yeah, they wear like old-timey revolutionary outfits. Like they're on the

[46:23] set of Johnny Tremaine the movie. You have this newfound drunkenness. You love Johnny Tremaine,

[46:29] yeah. And I love the Hellfire Club. I wish they put those assholes in a fucking X-Men movie. I

[46:34] don't want to find out about shit that turns mutants into non-mutants. I'd rather see a bunch

[46:37] of weird foppish dorks. Why did Magneto have to be the bad guy in all three of these films? Because

[46:40] it's easier. It's easier. They won the Hellfire Club. Crappy CGI. Where were the Shi'ar? Where

[46:46] were the Starjammers? Come on! Where were the Brood? Where was Ch'od? Yeah, Ch'od? Where was

[46:52] Mam'zel Hepzibah? What about Corsair? No, that was the Pogo character. They named the character

[46:58] after the Pogo character. She's like a giant lady stuff. Wait, was Corsair Cyclops' dad? Yes.

[47:03] Okay. Yeah, we should do that. Where's Gazar, whatever his name is? This is not the Marvel

[47:07] cast. Let's move on. Okay, so what else is going on? We've only done 30-some of these podcasts

[47:15] on here. We should do the Recommendations of Movies. Oh, right, right, right. Why don't you

[47:21] go, Stuart, again? I've watched a lot of great movies lately, Dan. I watched Species 2, as I was

[47:26] just talking. I saw some movies I didn't like so much, like The Foot-Fist Way, which is really

[47:32] overrated. I still haven't seen that, but I've heard it's overrated. I liked it, but I thought

[47:34] it was overrated. It was overrated and really poorly acted. I thought it had some of the worst

[47:40] acting I've seen in a comedy in a long time. But I've seen some really great stuff, like I re-watched

[47:45] Hard Target, where Jean-Claude Van Damme plays the character Chance Boudreau. I do have it on

[47:54] my Roku right now. Yeah, it's awesome. But actually, the movie I'm going to recommend this time is,

[47:59] I'm going to recommend Guy Ritchie's Rock and Rolla. Really, recommending a Guy Ritchie film.

[48:04] This is very unlike you. It's weird. The thing is, initially, I was kind of like,

[48:10] as I was watching it. But as it went on, it definitely grew on me as the movie went on.

[48:19] Gerard Butler, who was in that great movie, Wet Pecs.

[48:25] He was great in Wet Pecs. I was definitely into the movie midway through. It kind of felt like

[48:33] an hour and a half long episode of the Guy Ritchie Show. Starring Guy Ritchie. Yeah,

[48:40] I'd watch another episode of that. Hello everybody, welcome to the Guy Ritchie Show.

[48:44] Get your shooters, boys. Yeah, so it was great. Tom Wilkinson was in it. He's good. I love Tom

[48:52] Wilkinson. If I had to make a movie where somebody had to be my dad, it'd be Tom Wilkinson. So Tom

[48:58] Wilkinson if you're out there. Not James Rodbent? No, he'd be like a weird goblin's dad. He would

[49:04] be lovable though. No way. I'd love to cast Harry Dean Stanton as my grandfather. That'd be pretty

[49:09] awesome. That'd be cool. All right, I want to recommend Swimming to Cambodia. Oh, a new film.

[49:16] Yeah. Well, you know. I'm going to recommend older movies, so don't worry. Yeah,

[49:20] full surprise. Very bilingual podcasting. You know, it's very hard to make a film of a stage

[49:31] production and make it engaging, like consistently engaging. I mean, anyone who's been in a play and

[49:38] has then like seen that play on video, like someone's like, I'm going to take a video of

[49:42] this. Yeah, it looks terrible. It's always disappointing. But Jonathan Demme is very

[49:48] good at doing it. I mean, I believe that Stop Making Sense is probably the best concert movie

[49:52] ever made. I would say also the best Jonathan Demme movie. It's possible. I mean, I really

[49:57] like him as a director, but Swimming to Cambodia.

[50:00] Despite just being Spalding Gray, sitting there and talking for 90 minutes is extremely dynamic and engaging.

[50:07] And I just enjoyed it a heck of a lot.

[50:10] I don't really have much more to say about it.

[50:12] I'm going to recommend two films for the kitties in the audience this past Saturday.

[50:17] For the cats?

[50:18] Yeah, for the cats in this audience, and by that I mean cool jazz people.

[50:23] I'm going to recommend a movie called The Muppet Movie, which I watched again recently,

[50:27] with Dan and my girlfriend, who had never seen it before.

[50:30] Not the same person.

[50:31] Nope, not the same person.

[50:32] And that's why there was an and in between the two notifiers.

[50:37] I thought you just spoke, yeah.

[50:39] And just as funny as I remember it...

[50:42] We have very similar names.

[50:43] Yes, and just as touching as I remember it.

[50:48] It's a movie that I remember as a kid I really loved, and it always choked me up as a kid at the end of it.

[50:54] But watching it again, it was like this is a movie about people who wanted to be performers as kids

[50:59] and then grew up to be performers.

[51:01] It feels very much like as the Muppets are grouping together that it almost feels like Jim Henson's story

[51:08] of putting together the people he worked with so closely over the years, and so it was very moving to me.

[51:14] It's like Meet the Feebles.

[51:16] Yeah, exactly.

[51:17] It's just like Meet the Feebles.

[51:18] And the other one for the adults in the audience who like kung fu, a little movie called Karate Bullfighter.

[51:22] It's a little movie called Kung Fu Anal.

[51:25] The adults who love kung fu.

[51:28] A little movie called Volume 4.

[51:30] Yeah.

[51:31] Karate Bullfighter, which is a movie about a karate master who he does fight a bull in one scene,

[51:36] but overall he's just trying to figure out what the power of karate is for.

[51:39] Is it just for fighting?

[51:40] Does there need to be force behind it in the hands of the wrong person?

[51:43] Is it a deadly weapon, more deadly than a gun?

[51:45] And there's also a scene where he fights a black American and the American to show off how strong he is.

[51:50] He puts a Coke bottle, a glass Coke bottle in his elbow on the inside,

[51:54] and then he just flexes his muscles until he breaks the Coke bottle.

[51:58] And there's a scene where he fights the black Russian and he just cuts his hand on the glass.

[52:02] That's pretty awesome.

[52:05] No, but he does fight a bull with his bare hands.

[52:08] The look of pain on both of your faces after I made that joke was worth it.

[52:13] But I haven't seen the sequel.

[52:14] Did you get that one from David Zucker?

[52:16] Did he write some of your material tonight?

[52:18] Michael Malone.

[52:19] I haven't seen the sequel to Karate Bullfighter or Karate Bearfighter yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

[52:23] And he does not use a flamethrower, Stuart, in case you're wondering.

[52:26] Spoiler alert.

[52:27] I hope so.

[52:28] He better.

[52:29] Maybe Hadouken's the bear, like Ryu.

[52:33] So we learned a lot tonight, guys.

[52:35] We learned the error of our ways politically.

[52:38] And we learned that you don't need to match up shots when you're making a movie

[52:42] or time your jokes out so that people understand the jokes.

[52:45] You learned that the brother of a dead comedian is just as good as having that comedian.

[52:50] I think the Belushi brothers taught us that.

[52:52] Yeah.

[52:53] You know, I learned that...

[52:54] And also Chester Keaton, Buster Keaton's brother.

[52:58] I learned that there's some things worse than people that have a different ideology than me.

[53:03] It's people who are really bad at making movies.

[53:06] Yeah.

[53:08] In a way, that's the lesson of the Flophouse.

[53:11] So we should sign off.

[53:13] My name is Dan McCoy.

[53:15] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[53:17] What if it's the Marx Brothers and, like, Harpo and Chico are dead but Groucho's still alive?

[53:22] That's not your line.

[53:23] Okay, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[53:24] Gotta go, everybody!

[53:26] Good night!

[53:28] Bye.

[53:30] Zing!

[53:38] I just watched Demon Knight again.

[53:40] Not a great movie, but it was okay.

[53:42] It's not a great movie, but, you know.

[53:43] I liked it.

[53:44] As far as Tales from the Crypt movies go.

[53:46] There were some boobs.

[53:47] Better than Bordello of Blood.

[53:48] Better than Bordello of Blood.

[53:49] Because there were boobs in that, I think.

[53:51] In Bordello of Blood?

[53:52] I think there was a shockingly...

[53:55] Demon Knight has a lot of Billy Zane in it.

[53:57] That's true.

The Flop House: Episode #33 - An American Carol

Transcript

Description