The Flop House Movie Minute #25 - Remake Reuse Recycle

Dan McCoy

[0:00] It's the Flophouse Movie Minute.

[0:09] So, we're doing a Movie Minute here.

[0:12] Elliot, you...

[0:13] Yeah, I'm really setting up the premise.

[0:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[0:16] So, let me paint you a picture.

[0:18] The three of us are sitting around, and we're going to make a Movie Minute for you.

[0:22] We're going to record a podcast.

[0:23] Sitting around my wobbly table.

Dan McCoy

[0:25] There's a cat falling asleep off to the side.

[0:27] Nice.

[0:28] A four-track mixing board.

[0:30] Talking into microphones.

[0:31] But, Elliot, you really wanted to talk about this subject.

Elliott Kalan

[0:34] We're talking about the subject of movie remakes, which most movies are these days, it feels like, are remakes of other movies.

Dan McCoy

[0:42] Well, every story's already been told, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] No, but you don't have to tell them in this detail.

[0:46] There's nothing new with the sun.

[0:46] But it bugs me because it seems like they're taking specifically the movies I really like and remaking them.

[0:54] So, like, The Day of the Earth Stood Still, they remade.

[0:57] Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3, the remake comes out soon.

[0:59] And these are movies that very much are of the time that they were made.

[1:03] Yeah.

[1:03] Like, they don't make sense nowadays.

[1:05] Assault on Precinct 13.

[1:06] Assault on Precinct 13, when they redid that.

[1:08] And I just found out the other day that apparently they're at least going to try to do a remake of Videodrome, which seems insane to me.

[1:16] Because if ever there was a movie that relies on it being the product of David Cronenberg's brain, it would be Videodrome.

[1:23] Yeah.

[1:23] And if ever there was a movie that fit well into the 80s when people were kind of really understanding for the first time how much you could, like, television had been around long enough that you could see the effect it was having on society.

[1:35] But cable was just coming in.

[1:37] Home video was really just coming in.

[1:40] Like, it seemed like you were on the edge of videotape becoming more powerful than real life.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] So do you think that this is the result of, like, some studio head, like, watched Videodrome and was like, this could be a great film without all the TV fucking.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] Mate, I...

[1:53] Just take that out.

[1:55] Nobody fucks a TV in it.

[1:57] He sticks his head inside of a television.

[1:58] Like, okay.

[1:59] And he whips a TV.

Stuart Wellington

[2:00] Yeah, let me paint you a picture.

[2:02] Ryan Reynolds takes a videotape, stuffs it in his belly.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06] $20 million, please.

[2:08] I think it's literally that there's a list of movies that is circulating Hollywood that have not been remade yet.

[2:14] And they just check them off as they go along.

[2:16] And in the thing I read about this, it mentioned that they were going to try to bring in nanotechnology and also expand it so it's more of a large-scale sci-fi action film.

[2:26] And Videodrome, in case...

[2:26] Much like the original film.

[2:27] Much like the original, which has maybe six characters and takes place almost entirely inside of James Wood's head for the most part.

Dan McCoy

[2:34] And it's science fiction in the way that maybe, like, I don't know, like a Vonnegut book is science fiction.

[2:41] Well, there's science fiction elements to it.

[2:42] Yeah, but it's using, like, science fiction elements, like, mainly as a huge, like, allegory.

[2:49] Yeah.

[2:49] Which lots of science fiction is, but it's not.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] But it's a movie where he puts a tape...

[2:54] A slot opens up in his belly that he puts videotapes and hides a gun inside.

[2:59] And you're never quite sure if he's insane or if this is actually happening.

[3:04] If you introduce nanotechnology...

[3:05] I'm sure someone saw that and was like, wait a minute.

[3:09] What if we use nanotechnology so tiny robots are building a slot in his belly?

[3:15] Why didn't Cronenberg think of that?

[3:17] You know, and like...

Stuart Wellington

[3:17] They turn his belly into a little Blu-ray player.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] Then this scene would make sense.

[3:22] They, like...

[3:23] I imagine it was someone watching it and not realizing that that is not supposed to be a logical development.

Stuart Wellington

[3:28] I think it was somebody who walked through the Criterion collection of the DVD section of the Virgin Megastore near where they live.

[3:35] Yeah.

[3:35] And they're just going through the possible remake ideas.

Elliott Kalan

[3:38] Well, I can either redo closely watched Trains or Mishima A Life in Four Chapters or Videodrome.

[3:47] Videodrome has a gun in it.

[3:48] I think I'll use that one.

[3:51] And the other...

[3:51] So that made me really mad because these are movies that...

[3:53] Videodrome especially.

[3:54] These are movies that I...

[3:55] And Taking Palma on 2-3 that I love.

[3:57] Like, there's something very special about them and they feel kind of singular.

[4:01] And to remake them, even if...

[4:03] You know, the old movie is still going to exist.

[4:05] It's not going to disappear.

[4:06] It's not like with Stagecoach where they remade it in the 60s and they bought up all the prints of the 30s version and destroyed them.

[4:13] Except for one.

[4:14] And that's why Stagecoach still exists today.

[4:16] Oh, wow.

[4:16] It was the copy in John Wayne's personal vault.

[4:19] It was the only one that they didn't destroy pretty much.

[4:21] Because they're like, we don't want the 30s one around.

[4:23] That's competition for our shitty version of this great movie.

[4:25] Anyway, it still dilutes it a little bit.

[4:28] Because every time now I'm going to have to say, you know in Videodrome, the original, that da-da-da-da-da, not the remake.

[4:34] Like, that's just...

[4:35] I don't like it.

[4:35] You know that scene in the Day of the Earth...

[4:37] Don't make your mouth talk.

[4:37] That scene in the day...

[4:38] When Michael Rennie in the Day of the Earth stood still...

[4:40] Whoa, whoa!

[4:41] Keanu Reeves is in the Day of the Earth stood still.

[4:43] I mean the original, not the remake.

[4:45] And the other big news was that apparently I guess they're making a remake of Drop Dead Fred.

Dan McCoy

[4:49] Oh, finally!

[4:51] The Rick Mayall, Phoebe Cates vehicle with...

[4:54] For many years, my least favorite movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:56] The news is apparently Russell Brand in the Rick Mayall role.

[5:01] Of course!

[5:02] And it's...

[5:03] And Phoebe Cates in the Phoebe Cates role.

[5:06] But it's like, if ever there was a movie that...

[5:09] It's one thing...

[5:10] It still looks great, by the way.

[5:10] Yeah.

[5:11] Yeah, it's one thing to remake...

[5:12] Check out that butt.

[5:13] To remake a bad movie and be like, I can make this into a good movie.

[5:17] But there's no way to make Drop Dead Fred into a good movie.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] The problem with Drop Dead Fred is...

[5:20] Such a good idea!

[5:22] Her childhood friend comes back and he causes trouble!

[5:25] Yeah, it's one of these movies where we're supposed to laugh at the fact that someone's life is being destroyed.

[5:33] Systematically.

[5:33] Basically by a monster.

[5:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:36] There's no real difference between it and, like, Poltergeist.

[5:41] You know, that's...

Stuart Wellington

[5:42] Yeah, and like, do they ever address that it could all actually be inside her head?

[5:46] I don't think so.

[5:47] Is she the one causing all the problems?

[5:48] It would be interesting if...

[5:48] Yeah, that's the other thing.

[5:49] It would be interesting if the...

[5:50] The best case scenario is also the worst case scenario.

Elliott Kalan

[5:53] Yeah, she's crazy.

[5:53] It would be great if the last...

[5:55] Or interesting if the last shot of the movie was like...

[5:57] I don't remember how it ends.

[5:57] Her hugging the romantic lead or something.

[5:59] And then the camera pulls back and pulls back out of the forehead of Phoebe Cage drooling with her eyes staring off into the distance.

[6:07] Yeah, like at the end of the...

[6:07] She's in a better place now.

[6:09] Yeah, or Psycho or something.

[6:11] Brazil.

[6:12] Or Brazil, yeah.

[6:13] But it's...

Stuart Wellington

[6:13] I'm going to list a couple movies...

[6:15] Well, I'll list a movie that's not as good as...

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] But it's...

[6:18] You know, it's just sad.

[6:19] It brought back the pain of the fact that I think that's Rick Miles...

[6:22] The pain of Drop Dead Fred.

[6:24] The pain of Drop Dead Fred, which I remember seeing in the theaters very clearly.

[6:27] Last week.

[6:28] The fact that last week when it was revived.

[6:30] Damn.

[6:31] It was part of Rick Miles' retrospective of him.

[6:33] And the fact that that was really his only American work that I can think of.

[6:36] And he is such a talented English comic actor.

[6:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:40] Well, I actually am a little excited about this whole remake thing.

[6:45] Because, you know, I figure eventually they'll get around to remaking a movie that's very dear to my heart.

[6:50] And that's Patrick Dempsey's film, Loverboy.

[6:54] Where, you know, he plays a college-age kid trying to figure out his life.

[6:59] He's getting kicked out of school.

[7:00] And the only way he can go to school is by raising a bunch of money so he can get with the girl he loves.

[7:06] And the only way he can do that is by being a male prostitute to women who have cheap husbands.

[7:11] So he goes out on the streets.

[7:13] No.

[7:14] No.

[7:14] He finds a way to...

[7:15] He sells it on the corner.

[7:16] No, that would be Star Maps.

[7:18] Yeah, no, he does it through the pizzeria he works at.

[7:22] Huh.

[7:23] How does that work?

[7:24] When women order extra anchovies, he knows that's a cue that he's going to be having sex with them for $200.

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] And, of course, he's the only pizza boy who works there 24 hours a day.

Stuart Wellington

[7:36] They kind of address that.

[7:37] Somehow, like, he fucks one chick and she tells all her friends and they accept it all up.

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] No, but, like, there's got to be a lot of desperate women calling for extra anchovies and then the guy showing up and then them ripping off their robe.

[7:49] I don't know.

[7:49] And then him just handing them the pizza.

[7:51] Right.

[7:51] And them being stuck with paying for a pizza they didn't want to pay for.

[7:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:54] I assume that there's some zany scene in the film where an anchovy lover just, you know, wants a pizza.

[8:00] Well, there...

[8:01] Absolutely.

[8:01] And it happens to be, like, this beautiful woman in a bikini.

[8:04] With two young children.

Stuart Wellington

[8:05] And he's like, hmm, yeah, I can't wait.

[8:06] And she actually had ordered it for her kids who are the only kids in the universe who actually want extra anchovies.

[8:13] But what my hope is...

[8:14] Well, her children are pregnant.

[8:15] Well, what I...

[8:16] What I hope is that they're going to take...

[8:19] Or Sicilian.

[8:20] Well, what I think...

Elliott Kalan

[8:21] Well, I would point out that they've already remade this movie as the web porn site Big Sausage Pizza.

Stuart Wellington

[8:27] Okay.

[8:27] Well, I think it can go one step further because we all know of my love of the porn site Big Sausage Pizza.

[8:33] But what I think needs to happen is this movie needs to be...

[8:37] The whole, like, premise needs to be turned on its ear.

[8:39] Uh-oh.

[8:40] How do we do that?

[8:40] Yep.

[8:40] Shake it all up.

[8:42] I say female lead.

[8:44] Female main character.

[8:45] Lover girl?

[8:46] Yeah.

[8:46] It'll be lover girl.

[8:48] She delivers pizzas still.

[8:49] I think pizzas, that's good.

[8:50] It's good stuff.

[8:51] Extra anchovies.

[8:52] You don't want to lose that comic gold.

[8:54] And she's a...

Dan McCoy

[8:55] So she's basically the more common female prostitute in this situation scenario.

[8:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:59] And so she's having sex with desperate women whose husbands are cheating on them.

Stuart Wellington

[9:04] That's not actually a bad idea.

[9:06] Initially, I was assuming it was going to be cuckolded men whose wives are cheating on them.

[9:11] And their way to get rid of the cuckold's horns is by having sex with this young prostitute

[9:17] who's having sex with them to get money so that she can go to college and be with her boyfriend.

Dan McCoy

[9:23] Man, since the Middle Ages, no one has been more worried about cuckold's horns than you do.

Stuart Wellington

[9:28] Well, I think today's man, I think today's movie-going man is concerned about being cuckolded.

[9:35] And a movie like this will make them feel good.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] So is this still a light-hearted comedy?

[9:38] Because it sounds a lot grimmer.

[9:40] There's a certain fantasy aspect to a young guy having sex with a lot of beautiful older women for money.

[9:47] Yet when it's a young girl having sex with older men for money, it's a lot seedier, I have to say.

[9:51] Well, I was...

[9:52] Is this a Russian immigrant that we're talking about?

[9:54] No, I mean, I was thinking like...

[9:55] Yes, it's Eastern Promises.

Stuart Wellington

[9:57] Yeah, well, I was thinking Cronenberg possibly, or maybe Mike Lee for the directing.

[10:02] Okay, so the two least funny directors there are.

[10:03] I think both those guys would be great.

[10:05] Like, they could throw in a lot of comics.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] Who directed Irreversible?

[10:09] Maybe we could have him come in.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] Some French turn.

[10:10] Gaspard Noe.

[10:11] Yeah, Gaspard Noe.

[10:12] That's right.

[10:14] Get one of those guys.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] Who did funny games, maybe?

Stuart Wellington

[10:17] Yeah, that's some German guy.

[10:18] Yeah.

[10:19] I think any of those guys, I think they have a firm grasp on what the subject matter is,

[10:24] and I think they all love pizza.

[10:27] Who doesn't love pizza?

[10:28] Yeah, like, the Ninja Turtles love pizza, for God's sake.

Elliott Kalan

[10:30] Imagine you walking into the office, to the production office, to pitch this movie, and you go,

[10:34] one word, pizza.

[10:36] Have I got your attention?

[10:37] I know I do.

Stuart Wellington

[10:38] Anyway.

[10:38] Let's tie this in with the Domino's, extra anchovies, lover girl style pizza.

[10:44] That sounds like the Gotham City pizza.

[10:47] It's stripped of everything but pepperonis and anchovies.

Dan McCoy

[10:51] I think that that was how Hot Dog the movie got sold, actually, though.

[10:55] Hot Dogs.

[10:55] You're familiar with the delicious sausage, the hot dog, right?

Elliott Kalan

[10:58] Let me show you one thing.

[11:00] Pulls out foil-wrapped object.

[11:02] What is it?

[11:02] Oh, it's a hot dog.

[11:04] Have I got your attention?

[11:05] Great.

[11:06] Let's make a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[11:08] So, yeah.

[11:10] So you have some films that you're scared of.

[11:12] You're concerned about.

[11:13] You're terrified.

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] There's nothing that scares me more than the Drop Dead Fred remake plan.

[11:22] There are movies that I'm unhappy that it was decided.

[11:25] You know what?

[11:25] There are no good original scripts in Hollywood that will make us money or that we can advertise.

[11:31] Let's remake movies that other people haven't seen.

Stuart Wellington

[11:34] I mean, there's like, they could make GoBots movies or Thundercats movies.

Elliott Kalan

[11:39] The other thing about this is that a friend of mine who's a. . .

[11:41] Silverhawks.

[11:42] A friend of mine who's another comedy writer has told me the story of. . .

[11:46] Herculoids.

[11:47] Being offered the opportunity to pitch his version of a remake of Mother Jugs and Speed.

[11:53] So the studio wanted to remake Mother Jugs and Speed, a Bill Cosby film about competing ambulance drivers.

[11:59] And decided that they had no idea how to do it.

[12:03] So they would give writers the chance to pitch their versions of it and then buy the one they liked the most.

[12:08] So, like, how creatively bankrupt do you have to be to choose such a dumb movie to remake but not even have a specific way to do it?

Dan McCoy

[12:15] There's some studio ahead who's choosing movies to remake based on their titles.

[12:20] They're like, oh, I want to remake Freebie and the Bean.

[12:24] That sounds like a delightful romp.

[12:27] Mac and Me.

[12:28] I was just going to say Mac and Me also.

Stuart Wellington

[12:31] Yeah, it's. . .

[12:31] There's no. . .

[12:32] My stepmother is an alien.

Elliott Kalan

[12:36] Yeah.

[12:37] So many good remakes.

[12:37] Oh, Blue Steel.

[12:38] That's a good title.

[12:39] Let's remake a movie, whatever that's about.

[12:40] Let's just redo that.

[12:42] Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.

[12:44] Again.

Dan McCoy

[12:44] The moral of the story is nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] The moral of the story is get ready for more remakes of your favorite films.

[12:51] We're probably going to end up having to review them.

[12:53] Oh, yeah, of course.

[12:54] Like Prom Night.

[12:55] Or 10,000 BC.

[12:56] On Prom Night?

[12:56] We're going to have to review something on Prom Night?

[12:57] 10,000 BC was not really a remake.

[12:59] It was a. . .

Stuart Wellington

[12:59] Well, I'm not going to ruin my Prom Night by. . .

Dan McCoy

[13:02] By reviewing a fucking movie with you turds.

[13:04] We'll talk.

[13:06] We'll talk about it later.

[13:07] We'll talk about it later.

Stuart Wellington

[13:14] Freebie in the beat.

The Flop House Movie Minute #25 - Remake Reuse Recycle

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