The Flop House: Episode #38 - Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[0:03] It's like Beverly Hills Cop, except for the cop is a dog and not a cop,

[0:07] and not Eddie Murphy, and the dog is from Beverly Hills instead of going to Beverly Hills.

[0:12] Otherwise, it's basically the same film.

[0:30] Hello, and welcome to The Flophouse, the podcast where we watch a bad movie and then chat about it.

[0:47] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:48] I'm Stuart Willington.

[0:50] I'm Elliot Kalin, don't you know?

[0:52] So, guys.

[0:54] It's good to see you again.

Elliott Kalan

[0:55] Yeah, it's been a while, right?

[0:56] Yeah, as to quote the opening from Star Trek Enterprise, it's been a long time getting from there to here.

Dan McCoy

[1:02] Wow, that was a strange thing to pull out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05] Not at all.

[1:06] Which one's Enterprise?

[1:07] That's the one with Scott Bakula.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09] Oh, the guy from Necessary Roughness.

[1:11] Yes.

[1:12] That's what he's best known for.

[1:14] Lord of Illusions, right?

[1:16] The Star of Lord of Illusions.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17] Star of Lord of Illusions, yeah, Scott Bakula.

Dan McCoy

[1:19] I liked the 1970s version of Enterprise with Scott Bakula.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] Well, we were derailed almost instantly from this podcast.

[1:28] So, wait, what's our podcast about again?

Dan McCoy

[1:29] Yeah.

[1:30] It's about bad movies.

[1:31] Okay, that's good.

[1:32] And what bad movie did we watch this week?

[1:33] Tonight we watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[1:37] Wait a minute.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37] Those words don't seem to go together.

[1:39] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[1:40] Well, Beverly and Hills go together.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] Yeah, that's a place name.

[1:43] Yeah.

[1:44] But it's a movie, you say?

[1:45] Yeah.

[1:46] Explain.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] Yeah.

[1:47] It's not just a dog and where that dog lives.

[1:50] Okay.

[1:51] Keep going.

[1:51] Is this...

[1:52] Too fast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53] Yeah, is this a cartoon or something?

Dan McCoy

[1:55] No, it's a live action film with live action dogs but with animated mouths.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00] Now, when you say live action, you mean like human people got together in front of cameras

[2:04] and made a movie called Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Dan McCoy

[2:07] Well, human people and live dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10] The dogs don't know what they're doing.

[2:12] I can understand that.

[2:13] But the people.

[2:14] Surely there's no one of name recognition in this film.

[2:16] Now, I mean, I don't want to interrupt.

Dan McCoy

[2:18] Name recognition.

[2:20] Would you say that Piper Parabo is a name that you recognize for reasons other than it being

[2:25] a very distinctive name?

[2:26] No.

[2:27] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] But Jamie Lee Curtis is in it.

[2:29] She's well known.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] Yeah, she's in it for five minutes at the top of the film and at the bottom of the film.

[2:33] She's what's called a framer.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:35] She's called a bookend girl.

[2:36] Yeah, bookends.

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] She would be like the rich old guy who asked the guys to look after the Three Stooges to

[2:41] look after his house.

[2:42] Yeah.

[2:42] Or his like million dollar painting.

[2:43] That guy is making a mistake.

[2:44] Please.

[2:45] Do not touch this priceless mink face.

[2:47] Do I still have time to warn him?

[2:49] Now, I have a question, Dan.

[2:51] If a female dog gives an amazing performance.

[2:56] Yeah, excuse us, Elliot.

[2:57] Sorry.

[2:57] Gives an amazing performance.

[2:59] Would that female dog be eligible for best actress or best supporting actress, depending

[3:03] on the script?

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] Wow.

[3:04] There's nothing in the rule book about a dog winning an Oscar.

[3:07] It's similar to a dog winning basketball.

[3:10] I'll allow it.

[3:10] Tweet.

[3:12] Because the Oscar judge has a whistle.

[3:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:15] They call them Oscar referees, Elliot.

[3:17] Oh, sorry.

[3:18] You don't know anything about sports.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] Nope.

[3:20] Not at all.

Dan McCoy

[3:21] I don't know.

[3:22] I don't know what.

[3:23] It's a voice performance.

[3:25] A tour de force voice performance from Drew Barrymore.

[3:27] I would say it was a tour de week voice performance.

[3:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:30] Listeners, I plead to you guys.

[3:33] If anyone knows the answer to this question, please email us.

[3:35] Here.

[3:35] I'll tell you the answer.

[3:36] If you're a member of Price Waterhouse Cooper.

Elliott Kalan

[3:38] I'll tell you right now.

[3:39] No.

[3:40] I didn't ask you, dude.

[3:41] I asked the listeners.

[3:42] What up?

[3:42] Yeah.

[3:43] You asked Dan and the listeners and not the one guy who can answer it.

[3:46] Why do you have to butt in, Elliot?

[3:47] Just because you're a member of the WGA.

Dan McCoy

[3:50] Yeah.

[3:51] Just because you actually vote on the Oscars.

[3:53] No, I don't get to vote on the Oscars.

Stuart Wellington

[3:54] Because I'm not an Academy member.

[3:55] You are wearing a stripy shirt.

[3:57] I mean, your stripy shirt.

[3:58] Is that your Oscar referee shirt?

[3:59] No, these are horizontal stripes.

[4:01] Okay.

[4:01] Not vertical stripes.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] I'm on a referee shirt.

[4:02] Okay.

[4:02] So you can't officially judge that one.

[4:05] I can tell you the answer, though.

Stuart Wellington

[4:07] Let's move on.

[4:07] So we're talking about Jamie Lee Curtis being a bookend girl.

[4:10] You're not being dirty, right?

[4:12] No, not at all.

[4:12] Okay.

[4:13] We're talking about Beverly Hills Tarala.

Dan McCoy

[4:13] You're not referring to the fact that she has both male and female genitalia.

[4:16] Why?

[4:17] Dan says that.

[4:18] Come on.

[4:18] Why did Dan say that?

Elliott Kalan

[4:19] You've just opened yourself up to a slander lawsuit.

[4:22] I hope you're happy.

[4:24] Christopher Guest is going to track me down.

[4:25] I will testify against you.

[4:27] I want no part of this.

[4:29] Look, this is a well-known...

[4:30] Christopher Guest is going to track you down and in a very deadpan way look at you and

[4:34] then express his displeasure and then punch you and you're not going to know if he's joking

[4:38] or not.

Dan McCoy

[4:38] That's the thing.

[4:39] No, I'm going to be pretty sure he's angry.

[4:41] I mean, from what I understand, despite being a comic genius, he's a real jerk.

[4:45] More defamation, I guess.

[4:46] Wow.

[4:47] Wow.

[4:47] Yeah.

[4:47] You are really...

[4:48] These are both rumors.

[4:48] Are there any lawyers who are listening to this?

[4:50] These are both rumors.

[4:50] Because Dan's going to need your help.

[4:51] I'm just saying these are things that I've heard.

Stuart Wellington

[4:53] I hope I don't get fucking splash damage from this one, dude.

Dan McCoy

[4:58] You were going to get a role in Christopher Guest's next improvised film.

Elliott Kalan

[5:02] His next improvised film is set in the world of competitive acrobatics.

[5:07] It's called High Up There, Way Down Low or something stupid.

[5:10] Okay, I like it.

[5:12] It's called Flying Trapezes.

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] Can I be in a scene with either Fred Willard or Fred Ward?

[5:18] Every scene is going to have Fred Willard in it because he's the funniest guy in it.

[5:21] How can I be in a scene with Fred Ward then?

[5:22] You can be in a scene with Burt Ward.

[5:24] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[5:25] That's too bad.

[5:26] You can be in a scene with Fred Ward.

[5:28] I don't think that scene will be in a Christopher Guest film.

[5:30] He's never used that act.

[5:31] Let me tell you.

[5:33] I pass.

[5:34] I appreciate the offer.

[5:35] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[5:36] I'm going to pass.

[5:37] This is an offer you didn't even get and you're passing on it.

[5:39] I'm going to have to pass.

Stuart Wellington

[5:41] I can't believe that.

[5:41] Fred Ward was on the table.

[5:43] He was on the table for a minute.

[5:44] They took him away.

Dan McCoy

[5:46] You're closing off so many avenues that weren't open.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] This is a door.

[5:49] You're not going to recover from this quickly.

[5:51] Well, I'll accept that.

[5:52] You pissed off some powerful people.

[5:54] You made some very bad enemies here, young man.

Stuart Wellington

[5:56] Well, you know.

[5:57] Let me give you a word of advice.

[5:58] If I go back to commercials, I was great in commercials, you know.

[6:01] What commercials were you in?

[6:03] I was in that mattress company, the Mattress King.

[6:06] Oh, the one where you go, quiet, I'm sleeping.

[6:09] And you're right in the middle of the store.

[6:10] I was in that one.

[6:11] And then you suck your thumb.

[6:12] I was in that one where the mom gets really mad because the robber keeps stealing all the

[6:17] bacon that her family was going to eat.

[6:19] Yeah, well, you were the robber, right?

Dan McCoy

[6:20] Yeah, I was bringing home the bacon.

[6:22] Hey, what do you want from me?

[6:23] I'm just taking your bacon.

Elliott Kalan

[6:24] Taking your bacon was the slogan.

Stuart Wellington

[6:26] Yeah, absolutely.

[6:27] So I could do that again.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] Like, the bacon robber, that's me.

[6:31] Christopher Guest is very big on the bacon commercial world.

Dan McCoy

[6:35] Yeah, I don't know whether the nostalgia for those bacon robber commercials has reached

[6:39] a fever pitch enough to bring them back yet.

Stuart Wellington

[6:41] I think I could do it.

Dan McCoy

[6:43] So Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[6:44] Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[6:45] It's what I call a riches to rags tale.

Elliott Kalan

[6:48] Yeah, and then back to riches again.

[6:50] Spoiler alert.

[6:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:52] If you were wondering whether this Disney film ended happily.

[6:55] Surprise.

[6:56] It's not Brazil, basically.

[6:58] That's what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] There are many opportunities for people to have their throats bitten out by dogs, dogs

[7:03] to be shot to death.

[7:04] Almost none of them are taken.

[7:06] Almost none of them.

[7:07] Nine out of ten times.

[7:08] There's a chance that a cloud of chihuahuas will skeletonize another dog.

[7:12] Doesn't happen.

[7:12] Like in the movie Critters 2.

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:15] So should we bother going through the plot of Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

[7:17] The best thing Nick Garretts ever did was Critters 2.

[7:19] Yeah, Critters 2 is great.

[7:21] Should we bother going through the plot or do you think it's pretty self-explanatory?

[7:24] Yeah, well...

[7:25] Rich stuck-up dog accidentally gets lost in Mexico, learns to be humble.

Stuart Wellington

[7:29] Wait, does that stuck-up dog have dog friends back in Beverly Hills?

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] Yes, one of whom is a gay male dog.

[7:34] Do they wear dog clothes?

[7:35] They wear dog clothes.

[7:36] Designer clothes?

[7:37] Designer dog clothes.

[7:38] They have a dog party.

[7:39] One of them is somehow on the cover of a magazine, he says.

Stuart Wellington

[7:42] They played some song when all the dogs were running around in their nice outfits.

Dan McCoy

[7:47] I believe it was I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred.

[7:50] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[7:51] Yeah, that sounds great.

[7:52] That was probably in the pitch meeting.

Dan McCoy

[7:53] Yeah.

[7:54] Well, I think that someone picked up a CD called Greatest Hits of the Movies.

[8:00] Just the movies in general.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] It called Music for a Lazy Film.

Dan McCoy

[8:03] Yeah, so they had that and Hot, Hot, Hot by Bucks.

[8:06] Hot, Hot, Hot.

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] Who Let the Dogs Out was not in it, but Oof, There It Is was in it.

[8:11] Oof, There It Is was.

[8:12] Yeah, low rider.

[8:13] And interesting, the use of I'm Too Sexy brings up a point that I felt uncomfortable

[8:17] with in the film, which is that...

Dan McCoy

[8:18] The erotization of these dogs.

[8:20] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[8:21] There's this kind of running, like this assumption that you are sexually aroused by these dogs,

[8:26] the viewer.

[8:27] Like, you understand these dogs are sexy, right?

[8:28] Well, they're high class dogs, Elvis.

[8:30] That doesn't mean I'm attracted to them.

[8:31] These aren't your gutter dogs.

[8:32] It doesn't.

Stuart Wellington

[8:33] I mean, these dogs are wearing pretty revealing swimwear.

Elliott Kalan

[8:36] In the same way that I'm not sexually attracted to cars, I'm not attracted to dogs.

Dan McCoy

[8:40] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[8:41] Hold on.

[8:42] There's a little movie called Cars where I believe two cars fall in love and one has

[8:46] to assume they get it on at some point.

Elliott Kalan

[8:48] But I don't think there's reminders throughout the film that these cars are sexy.

[8:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[8:51] I think, like, so when they anthropomorphize this car, right, they try and make this car

[8:56] like a human.

[8:57] Yeah.

[8:57] Where would they put the lower back tattoo for that car?

Elliott Kalan

[9:00] This was my name.

[9:00] I assume on the trunk.

[9:01] That's the only thing I find attractive about a woman.

Stuart Wellington

[9:03] I assume on the trunk.

[9:04] Okay.

[9:05] I guess that makes sense.

[9:06] Well, like, right above it.

Elliott Kalan

[9:07] Or a decal on the rear windshield.

[9:09] Like, one of those bullet hole decals.

Stuart Wellington

[9:10] I'm just trying to clarify, Dan, because literally the only thing about a woman I find attractive

[9:14] is the quality of her lower back tattoo art.

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] All the tramp stamps in cars are of Calvin pissing on things.

[9:20] We don't see cars building up.

[9:21] A variety of different things.

Dan McCoy

[9:22] So you have to assume that these cars are fucking.

[9:25] They're like, you know, like the male car inserts himself in the female's muffler

[9:29] and then, like, later on.

[9:30] In the muffler.

[9:31] You don't know anything about cars.

[9:33] Gas tank.

[9:34] That shit's fucking gross, Dan.

[9:35] Yeah.

[9:35] Anyway, Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[9:37] Let's get away from Dan's sick perversions.

[9:39] All right.

[9:40] And into Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Stuart Wellington

[9:40] I'm just saying, these are questions that Pixar raised in my mind.

[9:44] I bet Dan's probably got Aerosmith's pump somewhere that he strokes off to at night, right?

[9:50] I mean, what?

Elliott Kalan

[9:52] I love that your response to that was, mm-hmm.

[9:55] Absolutely.

[9:56] Yeah, of course.

[9:57] So Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[9:58] There's also an ex-police dog who's lost his ability to smell.

[10:01] He's one of the characters.

[10:02] There's an evil gang leader in Mexico who does dog fighting and has an evil dog that's after these dogs.

Dan McCoy

[10:08] He's the main antagonist.

[10:10] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[10:10] Most surprisingly, there's a rat-iguana con artist team that's entirely CGI.

[10:17] Like, the dogs are like...

Stuart Wellington

[10:18] And you're probably thinking entirely CGI animals in a world where they use regular animals probably looks out of place.

[10:24] I'm going to tell you right now, doesn't.

[10:26] Perfect.

[10:27] Seamless.

Elliott Kalan

[10:28] Yeah.

[10:28] You can barely even tell.

Stuart Wellington

[10:30] Seamless.

[10:30] Jurassic Park, it's like that all over again.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] It wasn't until the credits when it said iguana graphics team that we realized.

[10:37] No, they stick out horribly.

[10:38] It feels like Roger Rabbit at times with that, as you said, I think.

[10:43] Wait, what's Roger Rabbit?

[10:44] Roger Rabbit is a film from the 80s about cartoons.

[10:46] Oh, the film Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

[10:48] Yeah.

[10:49] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[10:50] I apologize.

[10:51] By using the shortened version of the title.

[10:52] What, do you call Family Matters Urkel now?

Dan McCoy

[10:56] Roger Rabbit is just a popular dance move.

[11:00] That has nothing to do with an iguana.

[11:01] How does that dance move go, man?

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] Yeah, demonstrate it on your audio-only podcast.

[11:05] All right.

Dan McCoy

[11:05] I'm doing it right now.

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] He's doing it very well.

Dan McCoy

[11:08] Yeah.

[11:08] And that's Roger Rabbit.

[11:10] No, you turned it into a running man.

[11:11] Wow, that was impressive.

Elliott Kalan

[11:11] I never even thought about that.

[11:12] At the end, it became the running man.

[11:13] Now you're doing the mashed potato.

[11:15] This is not the...

Dan McCoy

[11:16] Well, I just like dances with names.

[11:19] Anywho.

Stuart Wellington

[11:19] So we were talking about the con artists.

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] So you have these live-action dogs with computer-generated mouths.

[11:24] They look creepy.

[11:24] Wait, those were computer-generated?

[11:26] Yeah, they did.

[11:27] I thought they did the peanut butter thing.

[11:29] No, they did not do that.

[11:30] I guess it'd be kind of hard to give them a smile and a moat that much.

[11:33] Yeah.

[11:34] And they have...

[11:35] Whenever the dogs do stunts, it turns into very obvious computer-generated images.

[11:39] But the rat and the iguana are always CGI.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] That's a value judgment, isn't it?

[11:43] Very obvious?

Elliott Kalan

[11:45] Well, let's get some kids and some everybody else and bring them in and have them judge it.

[11:50] And I think they'll agree with me.

[11:51] Yeah.

[11:52] Let's get some blind people in here and they'll be able to hear the digits of the binary code of these computers as they run the physics model animating an iguana.

Dan McCoy

[12:02] It's not fair to get Daredevil in here to listen for that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:05] I'll get any blind man who has enhanced hearing.

[12:08] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[12:10] And has romantic ties with Electro.

[12:13] So you...

[12:13] Yes, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:14] You mentioned that the iguana and rat were a con artist team.

[12:17] Yes.

[12:18] I'd like to hear a little bit more about that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:19] Well, they're con artists somehow.

[12:21] In Beverly Hills, you say?

[12:22] No, no.

[12:23] This is in Mexico.

[12:24] Okay.

[12:24] I guess that makes more sense.

[12:25] The main dog character, Chloe, the stuck-up rich dog who learns a lesson about being a chihuahua.

[12:31] Voiced by...

[12:32] Voiced by Drewson Barrymoreson.

[12:33] Her family didn't have enough Barry.

[12:35] They got more.

[12:36] That's where the name comes from.

[12:37] Yeah, in the old country.

[12:38] And this is the scion of one of America's greatest acting families, Drew Barrymore, voicing this dog.

[12:43] The dog has a diamond collar necklace, which everyone assumes throughout the movie is real diamonds.

[12:50] Because, of course, if you see a chihuahua running through Mexico with a shiny collar, obviously those are diamonds.

[12:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:55] Right.

[12:56] So clearly then when the dog is...

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] It's probably blood diamonds.

[13:01] Yeah.

[13:02] Jamie Lee Curtis, the owner, didn't seem very socially conscious.

[13:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:05] In Beverly Hills, that's bling, bling.

[13:07] But in Mexico, that's bling, bang.

[13:11] Anyway.

[13:11] Thanks for bringing this down for a second, dude.

[13:13] You stole that from George Lopez's set?

[13:15] Or what was...

[13:15] No, that's from Blood Diamond.

[13:17] That's an actual piece of dialogue from the hit film Blood Diamond.

[13:22] I think it hit is playing...

[13:24] Fast and loose with the English language.

[13:28] But anyway...

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] But the question that never gets answered is, what is this rat going to do with these diamonds?

[13:33] The animals can talk to each other in the movie, but they can't talk to people.

[13:37] The rat just wants food.

[13:38] Wait, they couldn't talk to people?

[13:40] They kept talking to people all the time.

[13:42] The people showed...

[13:42] Unless people made a decision at some point in ancient history to just...

[13:46] People made a decision at some point to just ignore animals when they talk.

[13:50] Just pretend you can't hear them.

[13:52] Doesn't...

[13:52] They'll stop.

Stuart Wellington

[13:53] Yeah, because to...

[13:54] If you actually realized they were speaking to you, it would destroy your mind, right?

[13:58] Or you'd no longer be able to eat them.

[14:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:00] Maybe the rat is just like Templeton the rat from Charlotte's Web.

[14:04] Dumb it down for me.

[14:05] And so it's, you know, just enjoy something shiny.

[14:08] That's possible.

[14:09] Take it back to its rat hole.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] That they didn't get into.

[14:11] And does the iguana live with the rat?

[14:12] What the fuck did you say?

[14:13] It's a rat hole.

Dan McCoy

[14:14] Oh, rat hole.

[14:15] That makes more sense.

[14:16] It's going to furnish its rat hole with it.

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] There are a lot of...

[14:18] But like, I wanted to know the backstory of this rat and this iguana.

[14:22] Like, how did they get together?

[14:23] Where did the iguana come from?

[14:24] Yeah.

[14:24] He was from a pet store.

[14:25] He said that.

[14:26] A real Laurel and Hardy pair, you know?

[14:28] Oh, yeah.

[14:29] They're a real Abbott and Costello bunch.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] But anyway, they would play...

Elliott Kalan

[14:33] Vic and Frack.

[14:35] Jack and Jill.

Dan McCoy

[14:36] They were doing the classic...

[14:37] Cossey and Harry.

[14:38] Rat and Iguana rift.

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] Sticks and stones.

[14:40] You know, there was a line that I thought was funny, even though I didn't laugh at it.

[14:44] Which was, when he goes, that's the oldest...

[14:46] A rat and an iguana, that's the oldest trick in the book.

Dan McCoy

[14:48] Yeah.

[14:49] So the trick was that the rat would pretend to be eaten by the iguana.

Elliott Kalan

[14:53] The dog would save the rat.

Dan McCoy

[14:55] Yeah.

[14:56] And then I guess the rat would...

Elliott Kalan

[14:57] The rat would say, give me your diamond?

[14:59] Like, I'll do you a favor that involves me stealing your diamonds?

Dan McCoy

[15:02] Apparently then the dog would feel indebted to the rat for saving the rat.

Elliott Kalan

[15:06] It's like the hit film, Bodu Saved from Drowning.

Dan McCoy

[15:09] Maybe it's like the movie Choke, where the idea is, if he saves people from choking, then they feel responsible for him.

[15:16] Is that based on a book?

[15:17] Yeah.

[15:17] It is based on a book.

[15:18] That's true.

[15:19] Choke-Pachol-Lonax.

Elliott Kalan

[15:20] That's how they pronounce it.

[15:22] Is that French?

[15:23] But I should mention that the rat and the iguana are very minor characters.

[15:26] They barely appear.

[15:27] Most of the movie is about Chloe, is about the gardener's dog, who has a crush on her, who's lower class dog, as a Spanish-Mexican accent,

[15:35] and about Delgado, the heroic dog voiced by Andy Garcia, who is an ex-police dog and is, you know, helping Chloe and becomes her protector.

Stuart Wellington

[15:44] Andy Garcia plays a lot of police officers.

[15:46] And police dogs.

[15:47] I would say not really.

[15:49] I think 50%.

[15:50] Maybe 50%.

[15:52] I think he's 50% of the time a police officer.

Elliott Kalan

[15:53] But compared to, like, Dennis Leary, who plays nothing but police officers or firefighters.

[15:57] So why, why?

[15:57] Yeah, but he's Irish, right?

[15:59] Yeah, and Irish people have never done anything else.

[16:01] Yeah, what else is he going to be?

[16:02] A potato farmer?

[16:03] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[16:04] A bartender?

Elliott Kalan

[16:06] Thank you.

[16:07] A leprechaun?

[16:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:08] A two-fisted drunk of some sort?

Elliott Kalan

[16:10] A Frank McCourt, perhaps?

[16:12] Sure.

[16:12] Maybe he should have been an Angelus Ashes?

[16:14] Sure, he probably should have.

Dan McCoy

[16:15] Now, you call, you say, you say that this dog is an ex-police dog.

[16:19] Yes.

[16:20] Now, what happened?

[16:20] Were there, like, layoffs at the Mexican police dog?

[16:24] Probably.

[16:24] I mean, it's like, the government doesn't have money?

[16:26] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] But no, that's not, he has a sad story, which actually was more exciting than the rest of

[16:31] the film.

[16:31] Okay.

[16:32] He and his master, I assume, were on a stakeout.

[16:35] They were, or they were trying to ambush, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[16:37] Wait, do the guy, do, like, the officers who work with canine officers?

[16:41] That's what, that's the politically correct term, right?

[16:44] Is that what, would he be considered...

[16:45] Yeah, that's not the offensive slur that's also used for police officers who use dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[16:50] Okay, chill your beans here, buddy.

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] Okay, yeah, I love cold beans.

[16:53] So would, so would the police officer be considered the master of the dog, or is he just, like,

[16:58] a co-worker?

Elliott Kalan

[16:59] No, I think that...

[16:59] Like, I thought they'd be, like, like, partners.

[17:01] No, they go on...

[17:02] Like in Turner and Hooch, right?

[17:03] Well, Turner and Hooch, for one thing, was, that was a dog left to him because the owner

[17:07] died.

[17:08] Okay.

[17:08] That was very much a master-pet relationship.

[17:10] Okay, what about canine?

[17:11] Yeah, he just happened to be a detective.

[17:12] Canine was, Jim Belushi, they were working...

[17:14] They were more partners, right?

[17:15] They were partners, but the man is the superior in that relationship.

[17:18] But it was a canine unit.

[17:19] Unless it's Jim Belushi, in which case the dog is the superior.

[17:22] Yeah.

[17:23] But it's...

[17:24] Okay, let's...

[17:24] According to Jim, he's the superior.

[17:26] Whoa!

[17:27] Oh!

[17:28] Cha-ching!

[17:30] What was I saying the other day?

[17:31] The last time we did this, whenever I...

[17:32] R-O-C-K in the USA.

[17:34] That's right!

[17:35] R-O-C-K in the USA.

[17:37] Thank you.

[17:37] I forgot my catchphrase.

[17:38] I have all these t-shirts printed up.

[17:40] But anyway, so he was with his partner then.

[17:43] And they were doing a sting operation on the evil villain of the movie and his dog, Diablo.

[17:48] And somehow in the...

[17:50] Everything went bad in the course of events.

[17:53] I don't remember if his partner was killed or not.

[17:55] I don't think so.

[17:56] But through some injury, Delgado lost his sense of smell.

[17:59] Yeah, psychological one has to believe.

[18:01] And was kicked out of the canine court.

[18:01] Oh, yeah.

[18:02] Entirely psychosomatic, because he gets it back.

Stuart Wellington

[18:04] I mean, Diablo's a terrifying dog.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] Diablo is a terrifying dog who...

Stuart Wellington

[18:08] Voiced by Edward James Olmos.

Elliott Kalan

[18:10] Yes.

[18:10] Who is also terrifying.

[18:11] I don't know why they didn't get Danny Trejo to do it.

Stuart Wellington

[18:13] Yeah, he'd be even scarier.

[18:15] Yeah.

[18:15] Maybe too scary.

[18:16] He was probably making Machete the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[18:18] He probably was making Machete the movie.

[18:20] Coming soon to a theater near you.

Stuart Wellington

[18:22] Or Con Air 2.

Elliott Kalan

[18:24] Not coming as soon.

Stuart Wellington

[18:25] He died in that movie, so probably not.

[18:27] Unless he's a ghost.

Elliott Kalan

[18:28] He comes back as his brother.

[18:29] Come on.

[18:29] Or a cyborg.

[18:30] Just pull the city slickers on it.

Dan McCoy

[18:32] Sure.

[18:32] I like that Diablo and his master, who was the dog kidnapper who ran a dog fighting ring.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] And who looked like David Schwimmer and Bronson Princhot put together.

[18:41] Yeah.

[18:41] And Saeed from Lost.

[18:43] And Saeed from Lost.

[18:44] And a little bit of Adrian Brody.

[18:45] Such a mixture.

[18:46] He's a man of a thousand faces.

[18:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:47] They were so focused on finding Chloe.

[18:51] You know, they saw this necklace on Chloe.

[18:54] Diamond necklace.

[18:54] Okay, this dog is...

[18:56] We can ransom it for a lot of money.

[18:58] And then that ran...

[18:59] Dan, they would say mucho dinero.

[19:01] Mm-hmm.

[19:02] But that led to a cross-Mexico chase for this dog.

[19:06] I mean, clearly, this villain was like, oh, this dog is my one last score.

[19:10] Once I get this dog...

[19:11] She's my ticket out of this life.

[19:13] If I was a criminal, I think I would give up on the dog pretty quickly.

[19:17] I just, you know...

Elliott Kalan

[19:17] Well, he does have a dog fighting business, and you have to assume...

[19:20] It's Mexico.

[19:21] You have to assume he's a drug runner and a kidnapper.

Dan McCoy

[19:22] He has other things to attend to.

[19:24] He can't just be chasing a koala around.

[19:25] He's got a lot of plates.

[19:27] Speaking of a lot of things...

[19:28] Spinning.

[19:29] Yeah, he's spinning those plates up.

Elliott Kalan

[19:30] Speaking of a lot of things to attend to,

[19:31] who can't be chasing a chihuahua around.

[19:33] They go to the dog sitter, Piper Perabo,

[19:36] who has lost this dog who she hates on an ill-planned trip to Mexico.

Stuart Wellington

[19:41] Wait, would you say that Piper Perabo's an it girl in Hollywood?

Dan McCoy

[19:45] I would say she is...

[19:46] She was in Coyote Ugly, right?

[19:47] She's one of those girls that...

[19:48] She's a that girl.

Elliott Kalan

[19:49] No, that's Marlo Thomas.

[19:51] She's one of those girls that comes along who Hollywood decides is going to be a big thing

[19:55] and tries very hard to cram her down the throats of a character.

[19:58] Like Colin Farrell.

Dan McCoy

[19:59] By putting her in a series of films where she interacts with animated characters.

[20:04] Yeah, we'll talk about that.

[20:05] This and Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] She's kind of like the opposite of Amy Adams, who genuinely people liked her.

[20:12] And also interacted with animated characters.

[20:13] And also interacted with...

[20:14] But she came along and had her big break film, and Hollywood was selling her really hard,

[20:19] but people like her a lot.

[20:20] Okay.

[20:21] Whereas with Piper Perabo, it was like, we're going to sell the crap out of her.

[20:25] And then it just didn't...

[20:26] Like, what's...

[20:27] Gretchen Maul?

[20:27] Is that who I'm thinking of?

[20:28] Yeah, probably.

[20:29] There was a time when everyone was like, Gretchen Maul's the next Julia Roberts.

[20:32] She's going to be huge.

[20:33] Put her on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

[20:34] Put her on People Magazine.

[20:35] And she just didn't hit it off.

Dan McCoy

[20:36] The weird thing, though, is then she had like a semi-comeback with the Betty Page movie,

[20:40] which she was fantastic in.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] I would not call that a comeback, since most people did not see that.

Dan McCoy

[20:45] No, but the point was everyone was talking about how great she was in that role.

[20:49] And then that added up to precisely nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[20:52] Because being able to sell magazine covers is worth more to them than doing a good job

[20:57] in a small movie that not a lot of people see.

[21:00] I'm surprised they didn't re-release that film on DVD in the special Betty Page is Dead Now edition.

Dan McCoy

[21:06] That sound you just heard was Stuart cracking up in a Coors Light.

[21:09] That's what we call a little ambient noise.

[21:13] I thought the Foley artist added that in.

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] But anyway, speaking of chasing a dog has more things than they should do.

[21:21] Piper Parabo goes with the gardener, because he speaks Spanish, to this police station.

[21:26] I thought he was Mexican.

[21:27] But they speak Spanish in Mexico.

[21:29] Oh, okay.

[21:30] That makes sense.

[21:30] It's a Mexican variant of Spanish.

[21:32] Oh, okay.

[21:32] That area was settled by the Spanish explorers and conquistadors.

Stuart Wellington

[21:37] Go back to the movie.

[21:37] I don't want to learn.

Elliott Kalan

[21:38] I don't want a history lesson to teach.

[21:39] It goes back to the 16th century.

[21:41] So they go to the police station.

[21:43] Our dog's missing.

[21:44] Can you help us?

[21:45] Well, I'll try.

[21:46] And this Mexican police officer is going along with them while they interview people trying

[21:50] to find this dog.

[21:51] It's like, your country has a serious crime problem.

[21:54] There are a lot of kidnappings, a lot of beheadings, a lot of police officers getting killed in shootouts.

[21:59] Like, why are you spending so much time on this dog?

Dan McCoy

[22:02] Well, it's a special dog unit that Mexico has put a lot of money into.

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] Maybe they should put the money into the drug unit and not so much the dog unit.

[22:09] I know they sound so...

[22:09] The dogs are so adorable.

[22:11] I mean, and my brain kept telling me, like, just relax.

[22:14] It's a kid's movie.

[22:15] Yeah.

[22:15] But I just...

Stuart Wellington

[22:17] When the Weinstein brothers originally got the script, they're like...

Elliott Kalan

[22:20] When they gridified it up and made it much more rough, you know.

Dan McCoy

[22:23] Abel Ferrara's Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] Now, that's a movie to see.

[22:27] Viana Herzog's movie.

[22:28] Harvey Keitel just driving up to the dog and masturbating and then driving away.

[22:33] You got Harvey Keitel doing other gross things.

[22:36] Sounds great.

[22:38] Smorgasbord.

[22:38] Christopher Walken doing gross things.

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] Say smorgasbord again.

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] Anyway, but a lot of resources were put towards finding this dog.

[22:48] Understandably.

[22:49] I mean, it's a cute dog.

[22:50] And, of course...

[22:51] And it talks, for God's sake.

[22:52] No, but people can't hear that.

[22:54] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[22:55] Wait, what?

[22:56] Come on.

[22:57] Wait, they can hear that dog?

[22:58] No, they can't hear that.

[22:58] She was talking to him, like, all the time.

[23:00] We could hear that.

[23:01] It's Drew Barrymore's voice, for God's sakes.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] Yeah.

[23:02] Didn't you wonder why no one said, hey, that dog sounds like Drew Barrymore.

[23:06] Star of Grey Gord.

[23:07] They never reacted to anything that the dog was saying.

[23:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:11] Well, wait, they didn't?

[23:12] No, they never did.

[23:13] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[23:14] Maybe we should pause this shit and put it back on again.

[23:18] No, we're not going to watch it.

[23:19] Never watching it again.

[23:20] Oh, but anyway, but then we learn at the end the secret of the chihuahuas.

[23:23] Mm-hmm.

[23:24] Which is that...

[23:25] What?

[23:25] There's a huge herd of chihuahuas, or pack, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[23:28] Yeah, they've built a ziggurat.

Elliott Kalan

[23:30] I don't think they built that ziggurat.

[23:31] They found some ancient Mayan.

[23:34] Come on, man.

[23:35] It's not an obelisk.

[23:38] No, it is a ziggurat, but they didn't build it.

[23:42] Wait, they didn't build that?

[23:43] No, that's ancient ruins.

[23:45] Not Mayan, I guess.

[23:46] Mayan would be Peru.

[23:47] No, that's Incan is Peru.

[23:48] I'm sorry.

[23:48] Maybe it's Mayan.

Dan McCoy

[23:49] Why were there so many dogs on it if they didn't build it?

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] Because they went there.

[23:53] There's no law against dogs being on ruins.

[23:55] Nothing in the rule book against dogs being on ruins.

[23:58] I'll allow it.

[23:59] Cheat.

[24:00] But she finds this...

[24:02] She and Delgado are in the middle of the desert.

[24:06] Mountain lions are about to eat them.

[24:08] Suddenly a huge cloud of sand comes along.

Stuart Wellington

[24:09] Those were CGI mountain lions, if I recall right.

Elliott Kalan

[24:12] Strangely enough, they didn't decide to risk their lives by employing actual mountain lions.

Dan McCoy

[24:17] And putting very small dogs next to them.

[24:21] Terrifying, those mountain lions.

Elliott Kalan

[24:23] But the...

[24:24] I mean, it was a scene where you expected Kangaroo Jack, or like you said, Jurassic Park,

[24:30] dinosaur, or...

[24:31] Yeah, exactly.

[24:32] You know, somebody to come along.

[24:33] Just to wander through.

[24:34] Yeah, a dewback.

[24:35] Maybe Mighty Joe Young would come by.

[24:37] A dewback or something.

[24:38] But a cloud of sand, suddenly it dissipates.

[24:42] There's a whole pack of chihuahuas there.

[24:44] And they bark so loud that the mountain lions run away.

[24:47] And it turns out...

[24:48] Possibly causing, like, ear damage.

[24:50] The chihuahuas take them back to their Legends of the Hidden Temple area.

[24:53] Yep.

[24:54] And they...

[24:54] Crystal skull type.

[24:55] It's very crystal skull-y.

Dan McCoy

[24:56] It's like we were drinking crystal skull vodka while watching the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[24:59] Well, crystal skull light.

[25:00] No.

[25:00] Crystal light, I call it.

[25:02] Okay.

[25:03] The dog...

[25:03] Wait, when do you call it that?

[25:04] Just now.

[25:05] Okay.

[25:06] And never again.

[25:06] Sure.

[25:08] Did I say I call it?

[25:11] I meant to say I will be calling it for a moment.

[25:14] You call me every time.

[25:15] You're a very specific talker.

[25:16] Yeah, always.

[25:17] Well, many times.

[25:21] Had to specify there.

[25:22] Not every time.

[25:24] And the chihuahuas tell them that they're...

[25:26] This is a group of, I guess, rebel chihuahuas who are tired of being taken...

[25:31] Banditos.

[25:31] Yeah, I guess.

[25:33] Banditos.

[25:34] They don't rob people.

Stuart Wellington

[25:36] Yeah, they don't have, like, bandoliers and shit.

[25:39] Although that would be awesome.

[25:40] That would have been cool.

[25:41] Like...

[25:42] What would they put in them?

[25:43] Bullets or...

[25:44] Tiny milk bones.

[25:45] Yeah.

[25:45] Sure.

[25:46] And they eat them for strength.

[25:47] But that would be strange because, like, it's not like actual banditos put food in their

[25:51] bandoliers.

[25:52] They put bullets.

Elliott Kalan

[25:53] They're dogs.

[25:54] So they probably put their own poop in it.

[25:56] Sure.

[25:59] He's a dog.

[26:00] What are you going to do?

[26:01] So anyway, they tell her they're rebels.

[26:04] They're tired of being taken...

[26:06] Not taken seriously and being treated as...

[26:08] Condescendingly as toys.

[26:09] They're now living wild and free and their catchphrase is no moss.

[26:13] That's their rallying cry.

[26:14] And she...

[26:15] And they teach her a lesson about the strength inside of her.

[26:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:19] It's like an Iron John thing but for chihuahuas.

[26:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:23] When you said Iron John, for some reason what I thought of was Tom of Finland.

[26:29] And I was like, I don't know.

[26:30] It's like...

Dan McCoy

[26:30] Oh, okay.

[26:31] Gay erotic drawings.

Stuart Wellington

[26:33] Yes.

[26:33] I didn't know how that applied for a second.

[26:35] Anyway.

[26:35] It's really the emotional center of the film, right?

[26:37] Is this...

Elliott Kalan

[26:38] It's the emotional center of the film that happens in the last 15 minutes.

[26:41] Sure.

[26:42] They say to her, you'll find...

[26:43] She can't bark.

[26:44] She can only chirp in an annoying way.

[26:46] And they say, you'll find your bark when the time is right.

[26:48] And they also teach her that she should have given that...

[26:51] The gardener's dog a chance because he really loved her.

[26:53] And in the end, she finds her bark.

[26:57] Delgado finds his scent again.

[26:59] Yes.

[27:00] And the gardener's dog wins her over.

[27:03] Sounds like a...

[27:03] Wait, do they...

[27:03] Basically, everybody gets what they want.

[27:05] Do they awkwardly make love as dogs are wont to do?

[27:07] Sounds like...

[27:07] Not on camera.

Dan McCoy

[27:09] Sounds like the end of one of Shakespeare's comedies.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] It does, yes.

Dan McCoy

[27:12] Both the high and low characters.

Elliott Kalan

[27:14] They all split up.

[27:15] And a happy ending.

[27:16] The drug dealer, the dogfight artist gets taken away by the police.

[27:20] Yep.

[27:20] Piper Perabo falls in love with the gardener.

[27:22] It is very much like a Shakespeare story.

Stuart Wellington

[27:25] But where's our Falstaffian character?

Elliott Kalan

[27:29] Which one would that be?

[27:31] I think maybe the iguana.

[27:32] What, the rat?

[27:32] Maybe the iguana and rat.

[27:34] I think it's implied that they get married in Iowa, where it's legal now.

[27:37] But wait.

[27:38] That's right.

[27:39] There's an epilogue at the end that tells you what happens.

[27:42] There's a very cheaply produced epilogue where they...

Dan McCoy

[27:44] Imagine the end of Animal House, but with a bunch of Photoshop pictures of actual animals.

Elliott Kalan

[27:49] So it's like, it'll be a still from the film, and they'll Photoshop in visual elements to

[27:54] show you what's going on.

[27:55] They didn't shoot extra things.

Dan McCoy

[27:57] No.

Elliott Kalan

[27:57] They ran out of money.

[27:58] Or time or interest.

[28:00] The rat and the iguana come back to California.

Stuart Wellington

[28:02] A couple of the animals died.

Elliott Kalan

[28:06] And the kids are going to know.

[28:08] I don't know why I'm laughing at that.

[28:09] I do, because you're a terrible person.

[28:11] Okay.

[28:12] I'm just kidding.

[28:13] No, I'm not.

[28:14] It's actually cool you're not a terrible person.

[28:16] No, that's true.

[28:17] So the rat and the iguana, it's revealed...

[28:18] Do you apologize?

[28:19] Do you have any of those?

[28:20] No.

[28:21] Anyway, so the rat and the iguana come back to California, and it's implied that they discover

[28:27] what bling is.

[28:28] Okay.

[28:29] And it's also implied...

[28:30] Wait, what is it?

Stuart Wellington

[28:30] Like medallions and stuff?

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] Yeah, well, you know, like shiny jewelry.

[28:34] Yeah.

[28:35] Apparently that's what rats and iguanas look.

[28:36] I guess they didn't know the term.

[28:38] They're from Mexico.

Stuart Wellington

[28:39] But, I mean, I'm sure that's a pretty well-known thing.

[28:41] I mean, like, that's pretty well-known in America and...

[28:44] Yeah, America.

[28:45] Yeah, but like, I'm sure they saw a movie or something.

[28:48] How were they going to see a movie?

[28:49] Or they heard like one of those hip-hop songs.

[28:53] Yeah.

[28:53] I was in Spanish probably.

[28:55] They saw Notorious, the story of the Notorious B.I.G.

Elliott Kalan

[28:58] They probably, they were one of the few to see Notorious.

Dan McCoy

[29:01] That was shot in this neighborhood, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[29:03] What, podcast neighborhood?

[29:04] Yeah.

[29:05] Podcast alley?

[29:06] In the internet?

[29:07] Exactly.

[29:08] Shot entirely on location in the internet.

[29:11] Okay, that sounds pretty good.

[29:12] I'll watch that.

[29:12] It's like, did you guys ever see...

[29:14] Is that like Lawnmower Man?

[29:15] Yeah.

[29:15] Did you guys ever see Hardware Wars?

[29:17] It's like an eight-minute parody of Star Wars that came out in the late 70s.

[29:21] No, but I've seen the movie Hardware.

[29:22] Well, in the end, in the credits, it just...

Dan McCoy

[29:24] I'm familiar with that thing, Thumb Wars.

Elliott Kalan

[29:26] The last credit in it is filmed on location in space.

[29:30] It's a funny gang.

Dan McCoy

[29:32] Oh, no, that's good.

[29:33] That's funny.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] Anywho, but so, what happens to the other characters?

[29:38] They just all become famous and love each other.

[29:40] Yeah, and the bad guys get screwed over.

Dan McCoy

[29:41] Chloe and the gardener dog.

Elliott Kalan

[29:43] Oh, yeah, this evil dog Diablo who runs away at the end after almost trying to kill everybody.

[29:49] It's revealed...

[29:50] The epilogue for him is that he was found and adopted by a woman who likes to dress her dogs up in dresses.

[29:56] And the implication is that he's going to snap and rip her throat out.

[29:59] But they don't say that.

[30:00] You know, it's just like Diablo, I guess, is like, you caught me.

[30:03] Oh, I hates it.

Dan McCoy

[30:05] Well, I gotta give in.

Stuart Wellington

[30:06] Gotta wear a tutu now.

[30:07] What are you gonna do?

[30:08] I'm a dog.

[30:09] Yeah, it's like Sisyphus, you know?

[30:11] Like, that's his eternal punishment.

Elliott Kalan

[30:13] Well, kind of.

[30:13] It's very little, a little bit like Sisyphus.

Dan McCoy

[30:16] Yeah, mostly unlike Sisyphus.

[30:18] No, I think it's a lot like Sisyphus.

Stuart Wellington

[30:20] So, yeah, it was great.

[30:22] Like, everything tied up, everything wrapped up really neat.

[30:24] Oh, yeah, there were no loose ends.

Dan McCoy

[30:25] There was no loose ends at all.

[30:27] Jamie Lee Curtis came back.

[30:28] Piper Perabo and that dude are lovers.

[30:31] Yeah.

[30:31] And it was like they had captured the dog in time.

[30:35] Yeah, just in time.

[30:35] So she never knew that anything.

[30:36] It was like the end of Ferris Bueller's Day.

[30:38] Or like the end of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

[30:41] Yeah, or Not As Good.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

[30:44] Kids, I need some extra money.

[30:46] So I'm babysitting you in disguise so your mom will pay me.

[30:49] Do not tell her.

[30:50] Well, it's because he...

[30:51] Actually, that's Mrs. Doubtfire is Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

[30:55] That's the plot of my...

[30:56] You only just realized that?

Dan McCoy

[30:57] That should have been the title for that.

[30:59] I wish.

[30:59] They tried.

[31:00] Don't be the funniest joke in Mrs. Doubtfire.

Stuart Wellington

[31:04] No, there's got to be a great joke where he said...

[31:06] That was the New Yorker title for the review.

Elliott Kalan

[31:10] Oh, that would have been great.

Dan McCoy

[31:12] Anthony Lane wrote that one.

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] You're saying the funniest part was when he sets his boobs on fire.

Stuart Wellington

[31:15] Yeah, he probably sets his boobs on fire.

[31:17] That's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] Well, he does set his boobs on fire.

Stuart Wellington

[31:19] That's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

Stuart Wellington

[31:24] So that's what this movie is.

[31:26] Summary.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] So what...

[31:29] Would anyone else have anything to say about this movie?

[31:31] Oh, I think we need to go on.

[31:32] Thumbs up.

[31:32] I feel like we could talk about this for hours.

[31:34] Yeah, apparently.

Dan McCoy

[31:35] But we don't need to.

[31:36] We should go on to our final judgments on this movie.

[31:38] Final judgments?

[31:40] I thought you were going to make the pendant sound.

[31:41] Yeah, I thought you were going to do the final judgment sound.

Elliott Kalan

[31:44] Final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[31:46] A current affair.

[31:49] Don't tell them where we got it or else we'll be sued.

Elliott Kalan

[31:52] Well, we bought it at the current affairs estate sale.

Stuart Wellington

[31:55] Yep, because I can do it so well with my mouth that I'm like fucking Michael Winslow from the Police Academy movies.

[32:01] You're the Michael Winslow of that one sound effect.

Dan McCoy

[32:04] So, yet again, for those just joining us, the official Flophouse categories...

[32:09] Yet again.

[32:10] Is this a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie that you actually liked in some way?

Stuart Wellington

[32:16] Okay, so an A, B, or a C-.

Elliott Kalan

[32:19] That's as low as the scale goes.

[32:22] C-.

[32:23] Still passable.

[32:24] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] Okay, Elliot, what's your call on this one, dude?

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] I'm going first.

[32:28] You know what?

[32:30] I did not really enjoy the movie, and I would not recommend it, but it's less than 90 minutes long, and it zooms by really fast.

[32:40] If I had been forced to watch this with a child, it would not have been the worst thing we could have watched.

[32:44] And compared to Seven Pounds, it's fucking The Seventh Seal.

[32:48] You know?

[32:49] Yeah, to stick with seven oriented films.

[32:51] This is...

[32:52] Well, I ran out of them.

[32:54] But this is Rashomon next to the Seven Pounds.

[32:57] So I'm going to call it, for children, a good-bad movie, but for adults, a bad-bad movie.

[33:04] All right.

[33:05] Yeah, if I was...

[33:05] This is no Bratz film.

[33:07] Yeah, if I was...

[33:08] I've upgraded the Bratz movie to the Bratz film.

Stuart Wellington

[33:10] If I was dating a woman who already had a child, and the kid was like...

[33:13] I can see you doing that.

[33:14] Yeah, and the kid was like, you know, surrogate daddy, daddy, let's watch a movie.

[33:19] And I'm like...

Dan McCoy

[33:20] Surrogate's a big word for you.

Stuart Wellington

[33:22] And I'm like, I don't know about that.

[33:24] A movie?

[33:25] And the kid's like, yeah, let's watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[33:28] Having just seen it, you know, it's not that bad.

[33:31] I mean, it's...

[33:32] It's stupid.

[33:33] Yeah, it's stupid.

[33:34] It moves along pretty quickly.

[33:36] You know, I can make some jokes.

[33:38] Like, I can drink a couple beers during it.

[33:41] It's not that bad.

[33:42] It's not seven pounds, for instance.

[33:45] So, I don't know if I can answer this into the...

[33:48] I don't think your categories...

[33:50] The scale doesn't really work for this.

[33:51] I don't think your categories, Dan, I don't think it can be confined in your little walls

[33:55] you've set out for us.

[33:56] My categories.

Elliott Kalan

[33:57] It's not a good movie, and it's not a fun movie.

[33:59] It's not an offensive movie, the way I thought it might be.

[34:02] By the way, if you were dating...

[34:03] Unless you're Mexican, in which case it's a very offensive movie.

Stuart Wellington

[34:05] Oh, absolutely.

[34:06] If I was Mexican, I would have shot the screen with one of my six guns.

[34:10] And then shot my sombrero off my own head.

Elliott Kalan

[34:16] I will say the soundtrack of the movie gets a F-minus, minus, minus, minus.

Stuart Wellington

[34:22] But if it had Who Let the Dogs Out?

[34:24] A-.

Elliott Kalan

[34:25] Or A-, really.

[34:26] You're a tough grader.

[34:27] A-.

[34:28] A-.

[34:28] Stuart's taking a stand against great inflation.

[34:30] Oh, okay.

[34:30] Any movie with Who Let the Dogs Out gets an A-plus, as far as I'm concerned.

[34:33] Nice.

[34:34] Chandler's List?

[34:34] That's an A movie.

[34:35] But throw Who Let the Dogs Out?

[34:37] A-plus.

[34:38] And there's so many scenes where you could have put in Who Let the Dogs Out.

[34:41] That would be improved by Who Let the Dogs Out.

[34:42] The Kristallnacht moments?

[34:44] Oh, it's beautiful.

[34:44] Well, just like the first time you see the Nazis running out of school carrying their Nazi diplomas.

[34:49] And you're just like, Who Let the Dogs Out?

[34:51] And it's like, yeah, who did let them out?

[34:52] Or that bit...

[34:53] Who let this noxious philosophy take over a country?

Stuart Wellington

[34:55] Or the bit when the Bahamans show up and they try and get Oscar Schindler to get all the Jews to get really excited and have a good time.

Dan McCoy

[35:01] That would have been the perfect time to do a song.

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] It's very strange that they didn't do it.

[35:05] When they're playing their drums and barimba shit.

[35:07] They sang a Caribbean version of Havana Gila instead.

[35:10] Yeah, not as good.

Dan McCoy

[35:11] It's like when Digital Underground shows up in Nothing But Trouble.

[35:14] What?

[35:15] You know, Digital Underground.

[35:16] Nothing But Trouble?

[35:17] What movie?

[35:17] Maybe the worst movie ever made?

[35:19] Well, I thought we weren't talking about that movie ever again.

[35:22] By the way, Stuart, if you were dating a woman with a small child, I imagine there would be a lot of throwing the small child around.

[35:30] Yeah, probably.

[35:30] Juggling it from hand to hand.

Elliott Kalan

[35:32] I see you instantly wearing a trucker cap, not ironically, and having an oily handkerchief hanging out of your back pocket.

[35:40] For some reason you're a mechanic.

[35:41] And a half-smoked cigarette.

Stuart Wellington

[35:42] Wait, in this world would I be like the good dad that you're like, oh, I kind of feel good for this guy?

[35:47] Or you're like, man, I wish one of the members of Puddle of Mud would come and beat him up.

Dan McCoy

[35:52] You're in the middle.

[35:52] You're like the decent blue-collar stepfather figure.

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] But you don't really understand the kids, but you mean well.

Stuart Wellington

[35:59] Yeah, like a Bruce Springsteen-esque character.

[36:02] I was going to think more like the guy in Aaron Brockovich.

Dan McCoy

[36:05] Yeah.

[36:06] Okay.

[36:06] Aaron Eckhart's character.

[36:07] That's not too bad.

[36:08] Aaron Eckhart's character.

[36:08] Is that Aaron Eckhart?

Stuart Wellington

[36:09] Yeah.

[36:09] Aaron Eckhart's never played a bad guy in a movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:13] So, I haven't given my rating yet.

[36:15] I'm going to say, I wouldn't say that this is a movie that I kind of like in some way.

[36:18] However, like, for kids, this was much less offensive than I thought it was going to be.

[36:23] Like, all the stupid Beverly Hills jokes that I thought would be the main focus of this film are disposed with in like the first five minutes, mainly.

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] I will say that that gay dog is pretty offensive.

Dan McCoy

[36:34] Yeah.

[36:34] But then it just becomes like, sort of a, like, I was saying during the movie, it's sort of on par with like...

[36:40] I really want to have sex with that gay dog.

[36:43] After the show.

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Stuart Wellington's uncomfortable confessions.

Dan McCoy

[36:48] It's...

[36:49] The movie is actually sort of on par with like, live action Disney movies from the 60s.

[36:54] Yeah, crappy movies.

[36:54] Like a Herbie movie or whatever.

[36:56] I would say...

[36:57] The one with Lindsay Lohan?

Elliott Kalan

[36:58] I would say it's a little lower than those if only because there's no...

[37:04] There's like, there's a certain innocence and a certain spirit of like, we'll make a fun movie for kids.

[37:08] Like, whatever.

[37:09] Right.

[37:09] Whereas this feels more calculated.

Dan McCoy

[37:11] Yes.

[37:11] But on the scale of dog children movies, I would place this below Don Bluth's All Dogs Go to Heaven.

[37:18] But above Chevy Chase and Oh Heavenly Dog.

Elliott Kalan

[37:22] Where would you put...

[37:23] What about that one Gary Busey movie where he gets reincarnated as a dog?

Dan McCoy

[37:27] I have no memory of this movie.

[37:29] Have you not seen that one?

[37:29] What about Balto?

[37:31] Wait, Gary Busey as a dog?

[37:32] You'll have to look it up.

[37:33] All right, we're going to rent this.

Elliott Kalan

[37:34] It's terrible.

[37:35] It's very low budget.

[37:36] Very, very low budget.

[37:38] Ginger Dead Man is a higher budget film than this.

[37:40] That's another Gary Busey classic.

[37:42] No, that sounds good.

[37:42] But anyway...

[37:43] Man, he's been in so many good movies.

[37:45] I will say the one thing about the movie that we mentioned before is just the sexualization of the dogs.

[37:50] Which one?

Stuart Wellington

[37:50] Ginger Dead Man or...

Elliott Kalan

[37:51] No, no, no.

[37:52] About Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[37:53] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] Ginger Dead Man is about the sexualization of gingerbread men.

[37:56] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[37:57] But the sexualization of the dogs was the creepy thing about it.

[38:00] But I don't think a kid is going to notice that there's anything wrong with that.

[38:03] Yeah.

[38:04] They're just going to be sexually attracted to dogs.

[38:06] It's like dog fashion shows.

[38:07] It's all about the sexualization.

Stuart Wellington

[38:09] Yeah, I mean, now that people are listening, we're going to say it's creepy, right?

Elliott Kalan

[38:13] Yeah.

[38:14] Now that we're done masturbating to it, we're going to say it's creepy and puffing.

Stuart Wellington

[38:17] You're going to save face.

[38:18] Okay, that's fine.

[38:19] You can do that.

Elliott Kalan

[38:19] I'm going to pretend this never happened and just say it was creepy.

[38:22] Okay.

[38:22] No, that's cool.

[38:23] And I guess those were our final judgments.

[38:25] Yeah.

[38:26] A plus.

[38:28] No, again.

Dan McCoy

[38:29] Again.

[38:29] Best picture.

[38:30] As always.

[38:31] Top of my top ten.

[38:32] You have misunderstood the judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[38:35] Move aside, Wally.

[38:36] Beverly Hills Chihuahua is here to stay.

Dan McCoy

[38:39] I have a letter that I'm going to read.

Elliott Kalan

[38:42] Dearest Flophouse, I miss you so.

[38:46] Abigail.

[38:47] These colonials.

[38:47] It's me, John Adams, dude.

[38:49] The Union troops are on our trail.

[38:52] I will never see our beloved plantation again.

Dan McCoy

[38:55] If you feel a breeze brushing anyone.

Elliott Kalan

[38:58] Tell Remus I said hello.

[39:00] Continue enslaving him.

[39:02] Yours.

[39:04] Yikes.

[39:04] Jebediah Davis.

Dan McCoy

[39:06] Oh, God.

[39:07] What?

Elliott Kalan

[39:08] Like I'm going to whitewash the Confederacy?

Dan McCoy

[39:10] No, I guess that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[39:11] It's a black mark in American history.

[39:13] Yeah.

[39:13] It is a black mark in American history.

[39:14] Something we should look on as a problem.

[39:15] But anyway, you were saying.

Dan McCoy

[39:16] Remember that, Flophouse listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[39:19] Remember.

[39:19] All of you pro-Confederacy Flophouse listeners.

[39:22] States rights, dude.

[39:23] States rights are a fighter.

[39:25] Come on.

[39:25] Seriously?

[39:26] You're going to argue that?

[39:27] I think the Flophouse should not be afraid to take a strong pro-emancipation stance.

[39:32] I'm going to support that proclamation no matter what anyone says.

[39:36] All right.

[39:37] You know what?

[39:37] I think Lincoln had the right idea.

[39:39] I don't care what anyone says.

Dan McCoy

[39:40] So this letter is from Paige, last name withheld.

[39:43] And it's titled.

[39:45] How's it spelled?

[39:45] P-A-I-G-E.

[39:47] Yeah.

[39:47] P-A-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J.

[39:49] Bang on, as they say.

[39:51] Yeah, cool.

[39:51] Where do they say that?

[39:52] In England.

[39:53] Oh, well.

[39:53] I stand corrected, then.

[39:55] Subject says, an English major appreciates you!

[39:58] Exclamation point.

[39:59] Oh.

[39:59] Yeah!

Elliott Kalan

[40:02] Woo!

[40:02] This is something you would get on a very boring Valentine heart candy.

[40:07] An English major appreciates you!

[40:09] Exclamation point.

[40:10] Somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[40:11] So, you are not worthless.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] So it says, do you know that I have an English degree from one of the best writing schools

[40:19] in the country?

[40:20] I did not know that.

Elliott Kalan

[40:22] Thanks.

[40:22] Thanks, Paige, for this braggy letter.

[40:26] That's all I wanted to say.

[40:28] There's a second half.

[40:29] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[40:30] Now that we're done making fun of you, continue.

Dan McCoy

[40:33] And yet I had to learn the word exposition on your podcast.

[40:37] I gotta say, DeVry, not one of the best English schools in the country.

[40:40] Whoa!

[40:41] Whoa!

Stuart Wellington

[40:42] Man, Dad.

[40:43] That's written on that note, right?

[40:44] Yeah.

[40:44] You wrote that joke in there.

Elliott Kalan

[40:46] This has turned into the roast, the Flophouse roast of Paige's last name withheld.

Dan McCoy

[40:50] So it says...

Elliott Kalan

[40:52] Things are getting wild here at the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[40:54] She goes on to say, glad mom and dad's dollars were so well spent.

[40:59] So I guess you could consider this email a thank you note, a love letter, and a recommendation.

[41:06] Thanks for making me look up exposition on Wikipedia and be proxy also to learning the word

[41:11] including the subtle and better cousin to exposition.

[41:15] So much of the literature I've already read is retroactively much more rich and rewarding.

Elliott Kalan

[41:20] That's very nice.

[41:20] So we're helping...

[41:21] We're helping things happen.

Dan McCoy

[41:23] Retroactively.

[41:24] Uh-oh.

Elliott Kalan

[41:24] Looks like Stuart has a word.

[41:26] He needs...

[41:26] Expos facto.

[41:26] Wait a minute.

[41:27] Let me jot that down.

[41:28] Retro means back in time and actively means vigorously.

[41:33] To travel back in time vigorously.

[41:36] Of course.

[41:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:37] Why?

[41:38] They made a movie titled this.

Dan McCoy

[41:40] This is where Stuart's knowledge of ancient languages fails in.

Stuart Wellington

[41:44] Let me compare it to my Lumerian notes.

[41:48] Oh no!

[41:49] Tiamat is rising!

Elliott Kalan

[41:51] Apparently the narcotic manuscripts are...

[41:54] Well, the mad Arab says that...

Dan McCoy

[41:56] She goes on to say...

[41:58] The love letter is that...

[41:59] What?

[42:00] Well, like most chicks who listen to the Flophouse...

[42:03] I've fallen madly in love with you, the esteemed host...

[42:06] The witty banter...

[42:07] Gilmore Girls has nothing on you...

[42:09] And Lulu, the ever-interfering cat...

[42:11] You keep me sane at work...

[42:12] Yet everyone thinks I'm losing my sanity...

[42:14] Because they think I'm laughing to myself at nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[42:16] That's happened before, by the way.

[42:18] You're not alone.

Elliott Kalan

[42:18] That you've driven someone to insanity?

Stuart Wellington

[42:21] Yeah, of course.

[42:21] It was through a period of gaslighting...

[42:24] Where I made that person believe they were going insane.

[42:26] You were gaslighting people for their aunt's jewelry.

[42:32] Oh, now you've exposed me, Elliot.

[42:34] I must slay you.

[42:35] Oh no.

[42:35] Sword canes at dawn.

Elliott Kalan

[42:37] That's a terrible way to do it.

Stuart Wellington

[42:40] Just make it regular swords.

[42:42] No, sword canes.

[42:43] So you have to go find a sword canes.

[42:44] So I've got a curved handle I've got to deal with.

[42:46] It's going to slip right out.

[42:47] Yeah.

[42:48] Or you can get one with a weird skull handle.

[42:51] Oh, that's pretty awesome.

[42:52] Continue.

[42:53] We were done talking.

[42:54] We were being flattered.

Dan McCoy

[42:55] Yeah, we got all...

[42:56] Well, I'm just, you know...

[42:58] A lot of ladies...

[42:59] What are you doing?

[42:59] A lot of ladies write in.

[43:01] Yeah, that's true.

[43:01] Maybe we should put together a Flophouse calendar.

[43:05] Where we're wearing...

[43:06] Revealing Flophouse clothing.

Stuart Wellington

[43:08] Where we're wearing 27 different dresses.

[43:11] That's for you, all you ladies who watched that movie.

[43:14] All the back issue readers.

[43:16] Wink.

Dan McCoy

[43:16] And finally, the recommendation is The Fountain.

[43:20] I couldn't even get five minutes into the damn thing.

[43:22] Oh, come on.

[43:22] Oh, fuck that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[43:23] Oh, I'm the only one with a soft spot for that film.

[43:26] What does she say about it?

Dan McCoy

[43:27] She says, I could only get five minutes into the damn thing before I muted it and researched

[43:32] something I can't remember.

[43:33] I think it's a perfect fit.

[43:34] It's a really bad movie that is trying desperately to be intelligent and artistic.

[43:39] The director should stick to heroin junkies and leave the love stories to other people.

[43:43] So return the love and give me the satisfaction of listening to you castigate the awfulness within.

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] Speaking for myself, I will say that I enjoyed The Fountain when I saw it.

[43:53] Don't be an apologist.

Elliott Kalan

[43:54] I'm not an apologist.

[43:55] I'm not going to apologize for my own taste.

[43:57] That's a terrible movie.

[43:57] But the...

[43:58] I can understand people's problems with it, but I enjoyed it a lot.

[44:01] But also, I saw...

[44:01] It was...

[44:02] Seeing it with...

[44:04] I was seeing it right at the time...

[44:05] That's right.

[44:05] I know this story.

[44:06] Well, I was just seeing it right at the time when my relationship with my girlfriend was

[44:10] going from, like, this is pretty good to, like, this is the woman that I'm going to spend

[44:15] my life with.

[44:16] So seeing this movie about...

[44:17] That isn't a great movie, but I like it.

[44:19] About a man who literally is doing whatever he can through time and space and history to

[44:24] keep the woman he loves alive with him forever, you know, really touched us at the time.

[44:29] And it was a very emotional experience for us.

Dan McCoy

[44:30] I think you made Paige's last name with Held fall in love with you even more.

[44:34] Oh, sorry, Paige.

[44:36] I'm taken.

[44:37] Yeah.

[44:37] Can't turn?

Stuart Wellington

[44:38] Maybe nothing a little bit of gaslighting won't fix.

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] I think now you just mean turning the gas on so that she suffocates.

[44:46] That's terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[44:47] You know, I tried to watch...

[44:48] Am I going to fucking give away my secrets?

[44:52] You'll never know.

Elliott Kalan

[44:53] But so...

[44:53] I can understand why other people don't like The Fountain, but it holds a special place

[44:56] in my heart.

Dan McCoy

[44:56] I tried to watch that movie because, you know, like, it's a movie that has a lot of split

[45:00] critical opinion on it.

[45:02] And I find that movies that, like, people either love or hate are often the most interesting

[45:06] movies.

[45:07] And so I tried to watch it.

[45:09] And the Netflix copy of it I got kept breaking down.

[45:13] In tears.

[45:14] Because it was so moved.

[45:16] It's so beautiful.

[45:17] I have to say I was happy.

[45:18] You know, I was like, all right, I don't have to watch any more of this.

[45:21] It's...

Stuart Wellington

[45:21] It is a movie I don't know that I will ever watch again.

[45:23] Yeah.

[45:24] I mean, I remember watching it.

[45:25] And I think I'm the same way.

[45:27] I think about midway through, I stopped and did a little bit of research on my own to

[45:31] see what happens when girls' clothes fall off on the internet.

[45:35] And you know what?

Elliott Kalan

[45:36] So this was...

[45:37] I think I've got a pretty good idea.

[45:38] I came to some interesting conclusions, let me tell you.

[45:41] You have a paper coming out about that.

[45:43] Yep.

[45:45] It's a tissue paper.

[45:47] Oh.

[45:48] Damn.

[45:49] Go on.

[45:50] Sorry, Paige.

[45:51] Thanks, Paige.

[45:52] Remember when that girl loved us?

[45:54] Yeah.

[45:54] No more.

[45:55] No more.

[45:55] Understandable.

[45:57] So let's go on to...

[45:58] I'm going to go take a shower.

[46:00] Go.

Dan McCoy

[46:00] Let's get on to recommendations because we're running a little long because we love Beverly

[46:03] Hills Chihuahua so much.

Elliott Kalan

[46:05] Well, it took us about 10 minutes to get to Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[46:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:08] So this is the part of the podcast where we talk about movies we actually enjoyed in some

[46:13] way.

[46:13] No such thing.

[46:14] Sure.

[46:15] And...

Elliott Kalan

[46:16] Just like the movie I didn't enjoy, no such thing.

[46:18] Yeah.

[46:19] Hal Hartley film.

[46:20] Hal Hartley film about a monster who lives on an island and becomes a media star.

[46:24] A star.

Dan McCoy

[46:25] All right.

[46:25] So that's a no for no such thing.

[46:27] Pete's Dragon?

[46:28] Yeah.

[46:28] No.

[46:29] I wish.

Elliott Kalan

[46:29] Pete's Dragon.

[46:30] The dragon's name is Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[46:31] Also, there's that song, Candle on the Water.

[46:33] I don't remember that one.

[46:34] I don't remember that one.

[46:35] I'll be your candle on the water.

[46:36] Okay.

[46:36] So we're talking about movies we like.

Stuart Wellington

[46:38] No such thing is a no.

[46:40] Pete's Dragon is a yay.

[46:43] Stuart, what do you have?

[46:44] Okay.

[46:45] That doesn't count for mine, by the way.

[46:47] I can't...

[46:48] Okay.

[46:50] I'm going to go with the movie Dan and I went and saw earlier this week.

[46:53] I had a little fancy screening.

[46:55] An advanced screening.

[46:57] Yeah, an advanced screening.

Dan McCoy

[46:57] Although, by the time this podcast is posted, the movie will be out for all to see.

Stuart Wellington

[47:02] Out and closed.

[47:04] Wow.

[47:05] But we went to an advanced screening.

[47:07] We're pretty important media stars.

[47:10] Let me finish.

[47:11] Oh, okay.

[47:12] We ended up getting to go see Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell, which is hitting theaters this weekend,

[47:20] which is probably in the past for you guys, but we already mentioned that.

[47:24] Yeah, it's great.

[47:25] It's silly at the right points.

[47:27] It's scary at the right points.

[47:29] There's tons of gratuitous vomiting and things like that.

[47:33] It's a lot of fun, and it's a great movie to see in a theater with a bunch of other people

[47:37] that will scream.

[47:38] Not with the people that were sitting in front of Dan and I, who were not big media types

[47:43] and kept talking throughout the entire movie.

[47:46] They kept up like a...

[47:48] It was like pretty steady, right?

Dan McCoy

[47:49] A running commentary.

[47:50] Yeah, it was constant.

[47:51] Throughout every minute of the film.

[47:53] Yeah.

[47:54] But I would have thought that it would be a drink or something.

[47:57] That's the effect of the movie.

[47:58] The movie was so good that it didn't ruin it for us.

[48:02] No, it didn't.

[48:03] It was awesome.

[48:03] And I have to say also...

Stuart Wellington

[48:05] I grabbed you a couple times, right?

[48:07] True.

[48:07] I was scared of frights.

[48:08] Out of thrills.

[48:08] And then the movie started.

[48:09] Well, the first time was when...

[48:10] Go!

[48:11] Go!

[48:11] It was when Justin Long came on screen, because I know you love that guy.

[48:15] Yeah.

[48:15] He's a dream.

[48:16] You had to hold him back so he didn't rush at the screen.

[48:18] Yeah, I'm like, he's not really there.

[48:20] That's an image.

[48:21] I have to say...

[48:21] It's not really a Mac.

[48:22] That's Justin Long.

Dan McCoy

[48:23] Some people have been worried about Sam Raimi making a PG-13 movie, and as I was explaining

[48:27] to a friend, that just means that they've replaced the geysers of blood with geysers of other

[48:34] unpleasant fluids.

[48:36] Vomits, anvils, all kinds of shit.

[48:38] Anvils, really?

[48:39] That's a fluid.

[48:40] There is an anvils.

[48:41] You'll see.

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] It's a special type of fluid.

[48:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:45] The only thing that can stop these ghosts is liquid anvils.

[48:48] Yep.

[48:49] I've seen a couple movies I liked recently.

[48:51] Do we have to get in our DeLorean to go watch them?

[48:54] No, they're available on video or DVD.

[48:56] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[48:57] One of them is...

[48:59] It just means go get in our DeLorean to go down to the video store.

Elliott Kalan

[49:01] Oh, then yes, maybe.

[49:03] If you don't own copies of them.

[49:04] I saw the movie version of Spengali from the 30s that I enjoyed a lot.

[49:09] Another movie that escapes me that I enjoyed.

[49:10] But anyway, the one I...

[49:11] That sounds good.

[49:12] Oh, it was Marty.

[49:13] I had finally got around to seeing that.

[49:16] But the movie I'm going to recommend is a documentary film that Louis Maul made in the mid-80s called

[49:23] God's Country.

[49:25] And he goes to a town in Minnesota.

[49:28] I think it was called Glencoe.

[49:30] And he shot some footage in 1978 or 79.

[49:34] And then he comes back six years later and talks to the same people.

[49:37] And it's this farming community in Minnesota outside about 40 minutes or an hour outside

[49:43] of Minneapolis.

[49:44] And it's really just him talking to these people there.

[49:47] And it's such a neat kind of look at this very specific slice of America at that point

[49:53] in time.

[49:53] And this kind of disappearing race of farmers, basically.

[49:58] Like the farmer is a disappearing type in America.

[50:00] And catching them on the edge of that.

[50:02] Like as private farming is dying and becoming these large agribusinesses.

[50:07] But also, you know, you see this footage of this late 70s wedding that's really ridiculous

[50:11] and funny.

[50:13] And there's just like...

[50:14] You see like...

[50:15] Like Rachel Getting Married?

[50:16] It's like Rachel Getting Married if Rachel Getting Married was like a believable, enjoyable

[50:19] film.

[50:20] Whoa.

[50:21] Whoa.

[50:22] I exaggerate.

[50:22] Rachel Getting Married is a solid B.

[50:24] But it was just...

[50:27] It was a...

[50:27] It's...

[50:27] There's some funny parts and there's some very touching parts.

[50:31] And it just really...

[50:32] It hit me in a way that a lot of movies I had seen recently hadn't hit me.

[50:35] And I think it's because of this time capsule aspect of these real people in this moment

[50:40] in their lives.

[50:41] You know.

Dan McCoy

[50:41] So, um...

[50:43] I'm going to recommend a movie that I just saw recommended to me on Netflix.

[50:49] Empire Records.

[50:50] Empire Records.

[50:52] And it was a movie that I can't...

Elliott Kalan

[50:53] You like Stealing Beauty.

[50:55] You might like other Liv Tyler films.

[50:57] One Night at McCool's, Empire Records, and others.

[51:01] Well, the crazy video.

Dan McCoy

[51:03] I have to assume that the fact that it was recommended to me and I hadn't rated it on Netflix already

[51:09] because I am a compulsive raider of movies on Netflix.

[51:12] And in real life.

[51:13] Means that the DVD just came out or something.

[51:16] Or a new, like, copy of the DVD came out.

[51:18] Or it's newly available on Netflix.

[51:21] But I'm going to recommend the movie Salesman.

[51:25] Oh, that's another documentary.

[51:26] Yeah.

[51:26] That's a good movie too.

[51:27] The Maisel Brothers Cinema Verite documentary about a Bible salesman.

[51:34] And it's just...

[51:35] It's beautifully shot.

[51:36] Beautiful black and white.

[51:38] It's a very...

[51:39] It's a sad movie.

[51:40] It's a stark film about a traveling Bible salesman and the Bible salesman business.

[51:47] And...

[51:47] But it's a beautiful movie.

[51:49] A harrowing movie.

[51:50] I saw it when...

[51:51] I was a film school student for all of three months before deciding that film school...

[51:58] It was too hard.

[51:59] ...was not for me.

[51:59] No, I was getting great grades.

[52:01] I just didn't like it.

[52:02] Oh.

[52:02] So, but it was a movie that I saw for the first time in a screening there.

[52:08] Summa cum laude over here.

[52:10] Uh-huh.

[52:10] Summa cum laude.

Elliott Kalan

[52:12] There's a...

[52:13] It might have missed it already, but there was...

[52:16] They're showing another Maisel Brothers movie recently, a short of theirs, that Albert Maisel

[52:20] was gonna speak after, called Meet Marlon Brando.

[52:22] Have you ever seen that one?

[52:23] No.

[52:23] I have it on tape.

[52:24] I'll show it to you.

[52:24] It's really good.

[52:25] It's just like...

[52:26] Marlon Brando was doing a day of press interviews for the movie Moritory.

[52:31] And it's just like him interacting with the reporters that have come from all over the country and the wire services to talk to him for a day in this New York hotel and do like 10-minute interviews.

[52:40] And it's really good.

[52:41] Like, you're watching it, you're like, wait a minute.

[52:44] This is why Marlon Brando was a star.

[52:46] He has amazing charisma.

[52:47] As opposed to when you watch his movies and you're like, I don't get it.

[52:50] Why was this guy a star?

[52:51] Wow.

[52:52] So two documentaries.

[52:53] Alex calling out Marlon Brando.

[52:54] Yeah, calling out the late Marlon Brando.

[52:55] Well, I saw Sayonara recently, and I gotta tell you, I did not...

[52:57] I was not impressed by it.

Dan McCoy

[52:59] Yeah.

[52:59] The hit Marlon Brando film Sayonara.

Elliott Kalan

[53:01] He won Red Buttons and Academy Award.

Stuart Wellington

[53:04] All right.

[53:04] Arlon and Dr. Moreau, he was in that, right?

[53:06] Yeah, well, I think he's fun in that one.

[53:08] He's just crazy.

[53:10] So two documentaries and a movie with geysers of vomit and whatnot.

[53:15] That's the Flophouse.

[53:16] Hey.

[53:17] Which one did I recommend?

[53:20] Which movie has boobs in it?

Dan McCoy

[53:22] That one has, as a PG-13 movie, has no boobs.

[53:24] Yeah, there's no breasts.

[53:25] Although you can see Alison Lohman naked.

[53:28] They're not great.

[53:29] Where the Truth Lies.

[53:31] Because I'm a human Mr. Skin, apparently.

[53:34] Apparently, yeah.

[53:36] Anyway.

[53:36] What if I wanted to see Helen Mirren naked?

[53:38] Where would I go for that?

[53:40] The Cook Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.

[53:43] What about Phoebe Cates?

[53:45] Paradise.

[53:46] A little film.

[53:47] Wow, you didn't go with the obvious one, huh?

[53:49] Well, sure.

[53:49] Past times at Ridgemont High.

[53:51] But I wanted Full Body.

[53:52] Where would I go for that?

[53:52] Paradise.

[53:53] What about Monica Bellucci?

[53:55] There's so many.

[53:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[53:57] There's a...

[53:58] Do you want to see a violent one?

[53:59] No, I don't want to see a violent one.

[54:00] Okay.

[54:01] Oh, Smorgasbord.

[54:02] That brings us all to a close.

[54:03] What about Shannon Tweed?

[54:05] I'll talk to you.

[54:05] Shannon Tweed.

Elliott Kalan

[54:06] Where would I see that?

[54:07] I don't think she...

[54:07] She's probably a never-nude, right?

[54:09] Where would I see Jenna Jameson nude in a film?

[54:13] Where would I see a nude person in a movie that involves the revenge of someone named Stagnetti?

Dan McCoy

[54:18] On this note of continuing to alienate Paige's last name with hell...

[54:22] Oh, sorry, Paige.

[54:24] We are going to sign off.

[54:25] Please keep listening.

Elliott Kalan

[54:26] We'll be sensitive and nice next time.

[54:28] We're good people in real life.

[54:30] Not me.

Dan McCoy

[54:31] I would like to say that I've been Dan McCoy.

[54:34] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[54:35] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[54:37] Good night.

Stuart Wellington

[54:39] The Flophouse.

[54:44] Rated R.

[54:48] It's like that ugly sex thing where she'd be like, I'm so disgusted by this person that I'm kind of attracted to it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:55] Like how Udo Kier gets all those lazy sex.

[54:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:58] Udo Kier gets a lot of lazy...

[54:59] It's how all the members of Broken Lizard, I'm sure, have found girlfriends.

Elliott Kalan

[55:03] You hate Broken Lizard so much.

Stuart Wellington

[55:04] Because they fucking suck.

[55:06] They're the fucking shittiest comedy group out there.

[55:09] Next to anyone involved in Man TV.

Dan McCoy

[55:12] Man TV's been off the air for like two years now.

Stuart Wellington

[55:14] I don't care.

[55:14] They can all die.

[55:15] If they all died, if I found out like Tony Todd from Final Destination wouldn't have claimed all of them, I would not bad an eye on it.

[55:22] I'm sure.

[55:23] I'd be like fucking the Cosmos.

Dan McCoy

[55:24] I'm sure a few of them are very talented people who got stuck in a shitty television show.

[55:28] Sure.

[55:28] Sure, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:30] Be a fucking...

[55:31] Apologist.

[55:32] Apologist.

[55:33] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode #38 - Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Transcript

In this episode

Description