The Flop House: Episode #38 - Beverly Hills Chihuahua

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[0:03] It's like Beverly Hills Cop, except for the cop is a dog and not a cop, and not Eddie Murphy, and the dog is from Beverly Hills instead of going to Beverly Hills.

[0:12] Otherwise, it's basically the same film.

[0:30] Welcome to the Flophouse, the podcast where we watch a bad movie and then chat about it.

[0:48] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:49] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:50] I'm Elliot Kalin, don't you know.

[0:52] So, guys, it's good to see you again.

[0:56] Yeah, it's been a while, right?

[0:57] Yeah, as to quote the opening from Star Trek Enterprise, it's been a long time getting from there to here.

[1:02] Wow, that was a strange thing to pull out.

[1:05] Not at all.

[1:06] Which one's Enterprise?

[1:07] That's the one with Scott Bakula.

[1:09] Oh, the guy from Necessary Roughness.

[1:11] Yes.

[1:12] That's what he's best known for.

[1:14] Lord of Illusions, right?

[1:16] Yeah, exactly.

[1:17] Star of Lord of Illusions.

[1:18] Yeah, Scott Bakula.

[1:19] Yeah, I like the 1970s version of Enterprise with Scott Blacula.

[1:24] Well, we were derailed almost instantly from this podcast.

[1:28] So, wait, what's our podcast about again?

[1:30] Yeah.

[1:31] It's about bad movies.

[1:32] And what bad movie did we watch this week?

[1:33] Tonight we watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[1:37] Wait a minute.

[1:38] Really?

[1:39] Those words don't seem to go together.

[1:40] I don't understand.

[1:41] No, Beverly and Hills go together.

[1:42] Yeah, that's a place name.

[1:43] Yeah.

[1:44] But it's a movie, you say.

[1:45] Yeah.

[1:46] Explain.

[1:47] Yeah.

[1:48] It's not just a dog and where that dog lives.

[1:50] Okay.

[1:51] Keep going.

[1:52] Too fast.

[1:53] Yeah, is this a cartoon or something?

[1:55] No, it's a live action film with live action dogs but with animated mouths.

[2:00] Now, when you say live action, you mean like human people got together in front of cameras

[2:04] and made a movie called Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[2:07] Well, human people and live dogs.

[2:10] The dogs don't know what they're doing.

[2:12] I can understand that.

[2:13] But the people.

[2:14] Surely there's no one of name recognition in this film.

[2:16] Now, I mean, I don't want to interrupt.

[2:18] Name recognition.

[2:20] Would you say that Piper Parabo is a name that you recognize for reasons other than

[2:24] it being a very distinctive name?

[2:26] No.

[2:27] Okay.

[2:28] But Jamie Lee Curtis is in it.

[2:29] She's well-known.

[2:30] Yeah, she's in it for five minutes at the top of the film and at the bottom of the film.

[2:33] She's what's called a framer.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:36] She's called a bookend girl.

[2:37] Yeah, bookends.

[2:38] She would be like the rich old guy who asked the guys to look after the three stooges to

[2:41] look after his house.

[2:42] Yeah.

[2:43] That guy is making a mistake.

[2:44] Please.

[2:45] Do not touch this priceless thing, please.

[2:47] Do I still have time to warn him?

[2:49] Now, I have a question, Dan.

[2:51] If a female dog.

[2:53] Yes.

[2:54] Oh, you said Dan.

[2:55] Gives an amazing performance.

[2:56] Yeah, excuse us, Elliot.

[2:57] Sorry.

[2:58] Gives an amazing performance.

[2:59] Would that female dog be eligible for Best Actress or Best Supporting Actress depending

[3:03] on the script?

[3:04] Wow.

[3:05] There's nothing in the rule book about a dog winning an Oscar.

[3:07] It's similar to a dog winning basketball.

[3:09] I guess we'll have to allow it.

[3:10] I'll allow it.

[3:11] Tweet.

[3:12] Because the Oscar judge has them as a whistle.

[3:14] Yeah.

[3:15] They call them Oscar referees, Elliot.

[3:17] Oh, sorry.

[3:18] You don't know anything about sports.

[3:20] Nope.

[3:21] Not at all.

[3:22] I don't know.

[3:23] I don't know what.

[3:24] It's a voice performance.

[3:25] A tour de force voice performance.

[3:27] I would say it was a tour de week voice performance.

[3:30] Yeah.

[3:31] Listeners, I plead to you guys.

[3:33] If anyone knows the answer to this question, please email us.

[3:35] Here.

[3:36] I'll tell you the answer.

[3:37] If you're a member of PricewaterhouseCoopers.

[3:38] I'll tell you right now.

[3:39] No.

[3:40] I didn't ask you, dude.

[3:41] I asked the listeners.

[3:42] What up?

[3:43] Yeah.

[3:44] You asked Dan and the listeners and not the one guy who can answer it.

[3:46] Why do you have to butt in, Elliot?

[3:47] Just because you're a member of the WGA.

[3:50] Yeah.

[3:51] Just because you actually vote on the Oscars.

[3:53] No, I don't get to vote on the Oscars because I'm not an academy member.

[3:55] You are wearing a stripy shirt.

[3:57] I vote on the WGA awards.

[3:58] I mean, your stripy shirt, is that your Oscar referee shirt?

[4:00] No, these are horizontal stripes.

[4:01] Oh, okay.

[4:02] Not vertical stripes like a referee shirt.

[4:03] Okay, so you can't officially judge that one.

[4:05] I can tell you the answer, though.

[4:07] Let's move on.

[4:08] So we're talking about Jamie Lee Curtis being a bookend girl.

[4:10] You're not being dirty, right?

[4:12] No, not at all.

[4:13] Okay.

[4:14] We're talking about Beverly Hills, Toronto.

[4:15] She has both male and female genitalia.

[4:17] What?

[4:18] Dan says that.

[4:19] Why did Dan say that?

[4:20] You just opened yourself up to a slander lawsuit.

[4:23] I hope you're happy.

[4:24] Christopher Guest is going to track me down.

[4:26] I will testify against you.

[4:27] He's going to punch me.

[4:28] I want no part of this.

[4:29] Look, this is a well-known—

[4:30] Christopher Guest is going to track you down and in a very deadpan way look at you and

[4:34] then express his displeasure and then punch you, and you're not going to know if he's

[4:37] joking or not.

[4:38] That's the thing.

[4:39] No, I'm going to be pretty sure he's angry.

[4:42] I mean, from what I understand, despite being a comic genius, he's a real jerk.

[4:45] More defamation, I guess.

[4:46] Wow.

[4:47] Wow, yeah.

[4:48] You are really—

[4:49] Yeah, these are both rumors.

[4:50] Are there any lawyers who are listening to this?

[4:51] These are both rumors.

[4:52] Because Dan's going to need your help.

[4:53] I'm just saying these are things that I've heard.

[4:54] I hope I don't get fucking splash damage from this one, dude.

[4:58] You were going to get a role in Christopher Guest's next improvised film, and now—

[5:03] His next improvised film is set in the world of competitive acrobatics.

[5:07] It's called High Up There, Way Down Low or something stupid.

[5:10] Okay, that's—okay, I like it.

[5:12] It's called Flying Trapezes.

[5:13] Can I be in a scene with either Fred Willard or Fred Ward?

[5:18] Every scene's going to have Fred Willard in it, because he's the funniest guy in it.

[5:21] Can I be in a scene with Fred Ward, then?

[5:23] You can be in a scene with Burt Ward.

[5:24] Okay, that's too bad.

[5:25] You can be in a scene with Burt Ward.

[5:27] I don't think that scene will be in a Christopher Guest film.

[5:30] Let me tell you, I pass.

[5:33] I appreciate you.

[5:35] Really?

[5:36] I'm going to pass.

[5:37] This is an offer you didn't even get, and you're passing on it.

[5:40] I'm going to have to pass.

[5:41] I can't believe that.

[5:42] Fred Ward was on the table for a minute.

[5:45] They took him away.

[5:46] Wow.

[5:47] You're closing off so many avenues that weren't open.

[5:49] You're not going to recover from this quickly.

[5:52] Well, I'll accept that.

[5:53] You pissed off some powerful people.

[5:54] You made some very bad enemies here, young man.

[5:56] Well, you know—

[5:57] Let me give you a word of advice.

[5:58] If I go back to commercials, I was great in commercials, you know?

[6:01] What commercials were you in?

[6:03] I was in that mattress company, The Mattress King.

[6:06] Oh, the one where you go, quiet, I'm sleeping, and you're right in the middle of the store.

[6:10] I was in that one.

[6:11] And then you suck your thumb.

[6:12] I was in that one where the mom gets really mad because the robber keeps stealing all the bacon that her family is going to eat.

[6:19] Well, you were the robber, right?

[6:20] Yeah, I was bringing home the bacon.

[6:22] Hey, what do you want from me?

[6:23] I'm just taking your bacon.

[6:24] Taking your bacon was the slogan.

[6:26] Yeah, absolutely.

[6:27] So I can do that again.

[6:29] Like, the bacon robber, that's me.

[6:31] Christopher Guest is very big on the bacon commercial world.

[6:35] Yeah, I don't know whether the nostalgia for those bacon robber commercials has reached a fever pitch enough to bring them back yet.

[6:41] I think I could do it.

[6:43] So Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[6:45] It's what I call a riches to rags tale.

[6:48] Yeah, and then back to riches again.

[6:50] Spoiler alert.

[6:51] Yeah, if you were wondering whether this Disney film ended happily, surprise.

[6:56] It's not Brazil, basically, is what you're saying.

[6:58] There are many opportunities for people to have their throats bitten out by dogs, dogs to be shot to death.

[7:04] Almost none of them are taken.

[7:06] Almost none of them.

[7:08] Nine out of ten times.

[7:09] There's a chance that a cloud of chihuahuas will skeletonize another dog.

[7:12] Doesn't happen.

[7:13] Like in the movie Critters 2.

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:16] Should we bother going through the plot of Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

[7:18] The best thing Mick Jarrett ever did was Critters 2.

[7:20] Yeah, Critters 2 is great.

[7:22] Should we bother going through the plot, or do you think it's pretty self-explanatory?

[7:25] Yeah, well.

[7:26] Rich stuck-up dog accidentally gets lost in Mexico, learns to be humble.

[7:30] Wait, does that stuck-up dog have dog friends back in Beverly Hills?

[7:33] One of whom is a gay male dog.

[7:34] Do they wear dog clothes?

[7:35] They wear dog clothes.

[7:36] Designer clothes?

[7:37] Designer dog clothes.

[7:38] They have a dog party.

[7:39] One of them is somehow on the cover of a magazine, he says.

[7:42] They played some song when all the dogs were running around in their nice outfits.

[7:47] I believe it was I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred.

[7:50] Yeah, that sounds great.

[7:52] That was probably in the pitch meeting.

[7:53] Yeah, well, I think that someone picked up a CD called Greatest Hits of the Movies.

[7:59] Just the movies in general.

[8:01] It's called Music for a Lazy Film.

[8:03] Yeah, so they had that, and Hot, Hot, Hot by Buckethead.

[8:06] Hot, Hot, Hot.

[8:07] Who Let the Dogs Out was not in it, but Move, There It Is was in it.

[8:11] Yeah, Low Rider.

[8:13] And interesting, the use of I'm Too Sexy brings up a point that I felt uncomfortable with in the film, which is that-

[8:18] The eroticization of these dogs.

[8:20] Yes, there's this kind of running theme, like this assumption that you are sexually aroused by these dogs.

[8:26] The viewer, like, you understand these dogs are sexy, right?

[8:28] Well, they're high-class dogs, albeit.

[8:30] That doesn't mean I'm attracted to them.

[8:31] These aren't your gutter dogs.

[8:32] I mean, these dogs are wearing pretty revealing swimwear.

[8:36] In the same way that I'm not sexually attracted to cars, I'm not attracted to dogs.

[8:40] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[8:41] Hold on.

[8:42] There's a little movie called Cars, where I believe two cars fall in love, and one has to assume they get it on at some point.

[8:48] But I don't think there's reminders throughout the film that these cars are sexy.

[8:51] Yeah.

[8:52] So when they anthropomorphize this car, right, they try and make this car like a human.

[8:56] Yeah.

[8:57] Where would they put the lower back tattoo for that car?

[9:00] That's the only thing I find attractive about a woman.

[9:03] I assume on the trunk.

[9:04] Okay, I guess that makes sense.

[9:06] Right above it.

[9:07] Or a decal on the rear windshield.

[9:09] Like one of those bullet hole decals.

[9:11] I'm just trying to clarify, Dan, because literally the only thing about a woman I find attractive is the quality of her lower back tattoo art.

[9:16] All the tramp stamps in Cars are of Calvin pissing on things.

[9:20] We don't see Cars building up cars.

[9:23] You have to assume these cars are fucking.

[9:25] Like the male car inserts himself in the female's muffler, and then later on.

[9:30] In the muffler.

[9:31] You don't know anything about cars.

[9:33] Gas tank.

[9:34] That shit's fucking gross, Dan.

[9:35] Yeah.

[9:36] Anyway, Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[9:38] Let's get away from Dan's sick perversions and into Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[9:41] I'm just saying, these are questions that are raised in my mind.

[9:44] I bet Dan's probably got Aerosmith's pump somewhere that he strokes off to at night, right?

[9:49] I mean, what?

[9:52] Your response to that was, mm-hmm.

[9:55] Absolutely.

[9:56] Yeah, of course.

[9:57] So Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[9:58] There's also an ex-police dog.

[10:00] Who's lost his ability to smell he's one of the characters an evil gang leader in Mexico

[10:04] Who's also caught and does dogfighting has an evil dog that's after these dogs. He's the main

[10:09] Antagonist most most surprisingly. There's a rat iguana con artist team

[10:15] That's entirely CGI like the other the dogs and you're probably thinking

[10:19] Entirely CGI animals in a world where they use regular animals probably looks out of place. I'm gonna tell you right now doesn't

[10:27] Oh, yeah, you can barely even tell Seamless Jurassic Park

[10:31] It's like that all over the credits when it's right now

[10:34] When it's an iguana graphic scene that we realize no, they stick out horribly

[10:38] It's it feels like Roger Rabbit at times with me with that as you said, I think right. Wait, what's Roger Rabbit?

[10:44] Roger Rabbit is a film from the 80s about Oh film who framed Roger. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry

[10:49] I was using I apologize by using a shortened version of

[10:53] Matters now Roger Rabbit is just a popular dance

[11:02] You had demonstrated on your audio, okay. All right. I'm doing it right now. He's doing it very well

[11:07] Yeah, and that's a Roger Rabbit. Oh you turn

[11:12] At the end it became the running man now you're doing the mashed potato this is not the well I just like dances with names

[11:18] Anyhoo, so we're talking about the con artists have these these live-action dogs with computer-generated mouths. They look creepy. Wait, those were computer-generated

[11:28] They did not do that, I guess it'd be kind of hard to get a smile

[11:33] Yeah, and they have whenever the dogs do stunts it turns into very obvious computer-generated images

[11:38] But the the rat and the iguana are always it's a value judgment, isn't it? Very obvious

[11:45] Well, let's get some kids and some everybody else and bring them in and have them judge it and I think they'll agree with me

[11:52] Let's get some blind people in here

[11:53] They'll be able to hear the digits of the of the binary code of these computers as they as they animate

[12:00] They run the physics model animating. It's not fair to get daredevil in here

[12:05] I'll get any blind man who has enhanced hearing, okay

[12:09] And

[12:10] Has romantic ties with electro so you yes

[12:13] Yeah, you mentioned that the iguana and rat were a con artist team might like to hear a little bit more about that

[12:19] Well, they're con artists somehow in Beverly Hills. You say no. No, this is in Mexico. Okay, I guess that makes more sense

[12:25] I think the the main dog character Chloe the stuck-up rich dog who learns a lesson about being a chihuahua voiced by

[12:31] Voice by Drusen Barry Morson. Her family didn't have enough Barry. They got more. That's when the name comes from

[12:37] Yeah, and the old country and this is the scion of one of America's greatest acting families drew Barrymore

[12:42] Voicing this dog. The dog has a diamond collar necklace

[12:47] Which everyone assumes throughout the movie is real diamonds because of course if you see a chihuahua running through Mexico with a shiny collar

[12:53] Obviously, those are diamonds. Yeah, right. So

[12:57] clearly then when the dogs is

[13:00] Probably blood diamonds. Yeah, Jamie the owner didn't seem very socially conscious. Yeah and Beverly Hills

[13:06] That's bling-bling, but in Mexico, that's bling-bang

[13:16] That's from blood diamond, that's a that's an actual piece of dialogue from the hit film. I didn't know what diamond

[13:29] The question that never gets answered is what is this rat going to do with these diamonds

[13:34] Animals can talk to each other in the movie, but they can't talk to people the rat just wants wait

[13:38] Oh, wait, they couldn't talk to people

[13:40] They kept talking to people on the people showed unless people made a decision. It's like the college

[13:45] To just made a decision at some point to just ignore animals when they talk. Just pretend you can't hear them

[13:51] Doesn't they'll they'll stop. Yeah, because to if you actually realize they were speaking to you

[13:56] It would destroy your mind, right? Well, you'd be no longer be able to eat them

[13:59] Yeah, maybe the rat is just like Templeton the rat from

[14:03] Charlotte's well, I'm it down for me. And so it's you know, just enjoy something shiny

[14:08] That's possible. It was a rat hole

[14:10] That they didn't get into

[14:16] It's gonna furnish this raffle

[14:18] There are a lot of but like I wanted to know the backstory of this rat in this iguana

[14:21] Like how did they get together? What do you want to come? Yeah, he was from a pet store

[14:25] He said that real Laurel and Hardy pair, you know, oh, yeah

[14:29] They're a real Abbott and Costello bunch. But anyway, they would play they can frack

[14:35] Jack and Jill they were doing the classic and a rat and iguana riff six and stones

[14:40] You know, there was a line that I thought was funny even though I didn't laugh at it

[14:44] Which was but he goes that's the oldest rat in an iguana. That's the oldest trick in the book

[14:48] Yeah, so the trick was that the rat would pretend to be eaten by the iguana. The dog would save the rat

[14:55] Yeah, and then I guess the rat would say give me your diamond like I'll do you a favor that involves me stealing

[15:01] Yeah, apparently then the dog would feel indebted to the rat for saving the rats like the hit

[15:07] It's like the hit film Bodoo saved from drowning

[15:09] It's maybe it's like the movie choke where the idea is if you save people from choking then they feel responsible for him

[15:16] I'm based on a book

[15:17] It's based on a book that I chucked

[15:20] That's how they pronounce it

[15:22] But I should I should mention that the rat and iguana are very minor characters

[15:26] They barely appear most of the movie is about Chloe is about the gardeners dog who has a crush on her

[15:32] Who's who's lower-class dog as a Spanish at Mexican accent and about Delgado?

[15:36] the heroic dog voiced by Andy Garcia who is an ex-police dog and is

[15:41] You know helping Chloe and becomes her protector Andy Garcia plays a lot of police officers

[15:46] I

[15:47] Not really, I think 50%

[15:50] Maybe 50% I think he's 50% of the time compared to like Dennis Leary who plays nothing, but police officers or firefighters

[15:57] So why why he's Irish, right? Yeah, and Irish people have never done anything else. Yeah, what else is he gonna be like a potato farmer?

[16:03] Hello

[16:06] Thank you a leprechaun yeah a two-fisted

[16:09] Drunk Frank McCourt, perhaps sure. Maybe he should have been in Angeles ashes

[16:15] Now you call it you say you said this dog is an ex-police dog

[16:19] You know what happened where they're like layoffs at the Mexican police dog

[16:23] It was like the government doesn't have money probably but no that's not he has a sad story

[16:29] Which actually was more exciting than the rest of the film

[16:31] He and his master I assume were on a stakeout there or they were trying to ambush

[16:37] Do the guy do like the officers who work with canine officers, that's what that's the

[16:43] Term, right. Is that what it would even yeah, that's not the offensive slur. That's all out dude police

[16:49] Use dogs. Okay, chill your beans here, buddy. Okay

[16:53] So would so would the police officer be considered the master of the dog or is he just like a co-worker?

[16:59] No, I think I thought they'd be like like partners. No, they go I can turn her in hooch, right?

[17:03] They'll turn hooch for one thing was that was a dog left to him because the owner died

[17:07] Okay, that was very much a master pet relationship. What about came?

[17:12] Canine was Jim Belushi what they were more partners, right?

[17:15] They're partners, but the man is the superior in that relation, but it was a canine you unless it's Jim Belushi

[17:20] In which case the dog is the superior? Yeah, but it's okay. According to Jim. He's the superior

[17:26] What was I saying the other day what with the last time we did this whenever I ROC can be

[17:31] CK in the USA. Thank you. I forgot my catchphrase. I have all these t-shirts printed up

[17:36] But uh, anyway, so he was with his partner then and they were and they were doing a sting operation on the evil villain of the

[17:43] Movie and his dog Diablo and somehow in the in everything went bad in the course of events

[17:49] I don't remember if his partner was killed or not. I don't think so

[17:51] But through some injury Delgado lost his sense of smell. Yeah, so I got out of the canine court. Yeah. Oh, yeah entirely psychosomatic because he gets it back

[17:59] I mean Diablo is a terrifying dog. Diablo is a terrifying dog voice by Edward James. Almost. Yes, who is also terrifying?

[18:06] I don't know why they didn't get Danny Trejo to do it. Yeah, he'd be even scarier

[18:10] Yeah, maybe he was probably making machete the movie probably was making machete the movie

[18:15] Coming as soon he died in that movie. So probably not unless he's a ghost as his brother. Come on

[18:21] Just pull a city slickers on it. I like the Diablo and his master who was the

[18:27] Dog kidnapper who ran a dog fighting ring and it looked like David Schwimmer and Bronson Prince. Oh put together

[18:32] Yeah, yeah and Said from lost and say from lost and a little bit of Adrian

[18:36] I don't know if he's still alive. I don't know if he's still alive. I don't know if he's still alive

[18:40] Yeah, yeah and Said from lost and say from lost and a little bit of Adrian Brody

[18:45] Well, it's such a mixture. He's a man of a thousand faces. Yeah, they were so focused on finding

[18:50] Chloe, you know, they saw this this necklace on Chloe. They're like, okay, this dog is we can ransom it for a lot of money

[18:59] They would say mucho dinero. Mm-hmm, but that led to a cross Mexico chase for this dog

[19:06] I mean clearly this villain was like, oh this this dog is my one last score once I

[19:11] Might take it out of this life. If I was a criminal, I think I would give up on the dog pretty quickly

[19:17] Well, he does have a dog fighting business and you have to assume it's Mexico

[19:21] You have to assume he's a drug runner and a kid is other things to attend to he can't be

[19:26] a lot of plates

[19:28] Spinning those plates have a lot of things to attend to can't be chasing a chihuahua around they go to the the dog sitter

[19:36] Piper-paraboh sure has lost this dog who she hates on it ill fit on an ill-planned trip to Mexico

[19:41] Would you say that Piper Paraboh is an it girl in Hollywood? I would say she's a coyote ugly, right?

[19:47] She's one of those girls that she's a that girl. No, that's Marlo Thomas

[19:51] She's one of those girls that comes along who Hollywood decides is gonna be a big thing and

[19:55] Tries very hard to cram her down the throat. So right like Colin Farrell, but

[20:00] putting her in a series of films where she interacts with animated characters

[20:04] this and rocking bullwinkle

[20:07] she's kind of like the opposite of amy adams

[20:09] who you know genuinely people like her

[20:12] and also interact with animated characters

[20:14] but like she came along and had her big break film

[20:17] and hollywood was selling her really hard but people like her a lot

[20:20] ok

[20:21] whereas with piper perabo it was like

[20:23] we're gonna sell the crap out of her

[20:26] and then it just didn't

[20:27] like what's a gretchen mall is that who i'm thinking of

[20:29] there was a time when everyone was like

[20:30] gretchen mall is the next julia roberts

[20:32] she's gonna be huge

[20:33] put her on the cover of entertainment weekly

[20:35] put her on people magazine

[20:36] and she just didn't

[20:37] the weird thing though is then she had like

[20:38] a semi comeback with the betty page movie

[20:41] which she was fantastic in

[20:42] i would not call that a comeback

[20:44] since most people did not see that

[20:46] but the point was everyone was talking about how great she was

[20:48] in that role

[20:49] and then that added up to precisely nothing

[20:52] because being able to sell magazine covers

[20:55] is worth more to them than

[20:57] doing a good job in a small movie that not a lot of people see

[21:00] i'm surprised they didn't re-release that film on dvd

[21:03] in the special betty page is dead now edition

[21:06] that sound you just heard was stewart cracking open a corse light

[21:09] that's what we call a little ambient noise

[21:12] i thought the foley artist added that in

[21:16] but anyway

[21:17] speaking of chasing a dog

[21:19] has more things than they should do

[21:21] piper perabo goes with the gardener

[21:23] because he speaks spanish

[21:24] to this police station

[21:26] i thought he was mexican

[21:27] well they speak spanish in mexico

[21:29] ok that makes sense

[21:30] it's a mexican variant of spanish

[21:32] that area was settled by the spanish explorers and conquistadors

[21:36] go back to the movie

[21:37] i don't want a history lesson teach

[21:39] it all goes back to the 16th century

[21:41] so they go to the police station

[21:43] our dog's missing

[21:44] can you help us

[21:45] well i'll try

[21:46] and this mexican police officer is like going along with them

[21:49] while they interview people trying to find this dog

[21:51] it's like your country has a serious crime problem

[21:54] there are a lot of kidnappings

[21:55] a lot of beheadings

[21:56] a lot like police officers getting killed in shootouts

[21:59] like why are you spending so much time on this dog

[22:01] well it's a special dog unit that mexico's put a lot of money into

[22:05] maybe they should put the money into the drug unit

[22:07] and not so much the dog unit

[22:08] the dog's so adorable

[22:10] and my brain kept telling me like

[22:13] just relax it's a kids movie

[22:15] but i just

[22:16] when the wine scene brothers originally got the script

[22:19] they're like

[22:20] when they gridified it up

[22:21] and made it much more rough

[22:23] Abel Ferrara's Beverly Hills Chihuahua

[22:25] now that's a movie to see

[22:27] you got Harvey Keitel just driving up to the dog and masturbating

[22:31] and then driving away

[22:33] you got Harvey Keitel doing other gross things

[22:36] sounds great

[22:37] smorgasbord

[22:38] Christopher Walken doing gross things

[22:40] say smorgasbord again

[22:42] smorgasbord

[22:43] anyway

[22:44] but a lot of resources were put towards finding this dog

[22:48] understandably

[22:49] i mean it's a cute dog

[22:50] and of course

[22:51] and it talks for god's sake

[22:52] no but people can't hear that

[22:54] Stewart

[22:55] wait what?

[22:56] come on

[22:57] wait they didn't hear that dog?

[22:58] she was talking to him like all the time

[23:00] Drew Barrymore's voice for god's sake

[23:02] didn't you wonder why no one said

[23:04] hey that dog sounds like Drew Barrymore

[23:06] star of Greg Gordon's HBO

[23:07] or reacted to anything the dog was saying

[23:09] yeah

[23:10] well wait they didn't?

[23:12] no they never did

[23:13] oh man

[23:14] maybe we should pause this shit and put it back on again

[23:18] no we're not going to watch it

[23:19] never watching it again

[23:20] oh but anyway

[23:21] but then we learn at the end the secret of the chihuahuas

[23:23] which is that

[23:24] what?

[23:25] there's a huge herd of chihuahuas

[23:27] or pack i guess

[23:28] yeah they've built a ziggurat

[23:30] i don't think they built that

[23:31] they found some ancient mayan

[23:33] come on man

[23:35] it's not an obelisk

[23:37] no it is a ziggurat

[23:39] but they didn't build it

[23:41] wait they didn't build that?

[23:43] no it's ancient ruins

[23:45] not mayan i guess

[23:46] mayan would be peru

[23:47] oh there's ink in his peru i'm sorry

[23:48] maybe it's mayan

[23:49] it's probably mayan

[23:50] but why were there so many dogs on it if they didn't build it?

[23:52] because they went there

[23:53] there's no law against dogs being on ruins

[23:55] nothing in the rule book

[23:56] dogs being on ruins

[23:58] i'll allow it

[23:59] cheat

[24:00] but she finds this

[24:02] she and delgado are in the middle of the desert

[24:06] mountain lions are about to eat them

[24:08] suddenly a huge cloud of sand

[24:10] those were CGI mountain lions if i recall right

[24:12] yes

[24:13] strangely enough they didn't decide to risk their lives by employing actual mountain lions

[24:18] and putting very small dogs next to them

[24:21] terrifying those mountain lions

[24:25] i mean it was a scene where you expected kangaroo jack

[24:27] or like you said

[24:29] jurassic park dinosaur

[24:31] yeah exactly

[24:32] you know somebody to come along

[24:34] just to wander through

[24:35] yeah a dewback

[24:36] maybe mighty joe young would come by

[24:38] but a cloud of sand

[24:40] suddenly it dissipates

[24:42] there's a whole pack of chihuahuas there

[24:44] and they bark so loud that the mountain lions run away

[24:46] and it turns out

[24:48] possibly causing like ear damage

[24:50] the chihuahuas take them back to their legends of the hidden temple area

[24:53] and they

[24:54] crystal skull type

[24:56] it's very crystal skull-y

[24:57] it's like we were drinking crystal skull vodka while watching the movie

[24:59] well crystal skull light

[25:00] crystal light i call it

[25:03] wait when did you call it that?

[25:05] just now

[25:06] and never again

[25:10] did i say i call it?

[25:11] i meant to say i will be calling it for a moment

[25:14] you're a very specific talker

[25:16] yeah always

[25:17] well many times

[25:21] had to specify there

[25:22] not every time

[25:24] and the chihuahuas tell them that this is a group of

[25:27] i guess

[25:28] rebel chihuahuas who are tired of being

[25:30] banditos

[25:31] yeah i guess

[25:33] banditos

[25:34] they don't rob people

[25:36] they don't have like bandoliers and shit

[25:39] although that would be awesome

[25:40] that would have been cool

[25:42] what would they put in them?

[25:43] bullets or?

[25:44] tiny milk bones

[25:46] and they eat them for strength

[25:47] that would be strange because

[25:49] it's not like actual banditos put food in their bandoliers

[25:52] they got bullets

[25:54] they're dogs so they probably put their own poop in it

[26:00] it's a dog what are you gonna do?

[26:01] so anyway

[26:03] they tell her

[26:04] they're rebels

[26:05] they're tired of being taken

[26:06] not taken seriously

[26:07] and being treated as

[26:08] condescendingly as toys

[26:09] they're now living wild and free

[26:11] and their catchphrase is

[26:12] no moss

[26:13] that's their rallying cry

[26:14] and she

[26:15] and they teach her a lesson

[26:16] about the strength inside of her

[26:18] yeah

[26:19] it's like an iron john thing

[26:21] but for chihuahuas

[26:22] yeah

[26:24] when you said iron john

[26:25] for some reason

[26:26] what i thought of was

[26:27] tom of finland

[26:29] and i was like

[26:30] i don't know

[26:31] oh okay

[26:32] gay erotic drawings

[26:33] i didn't know how that applied for a second

[26:35] it's really the emotional center of the film right

[26:38] it's the emotional center of the film

[26:39] that happens in the last 15 minutes

[26:41] sure

[26:42] they say to her

[26:43] she can't bark

[26:44] she can only chirp

[26:45] in an annoying way

[26:46] and they say

[26:47] you'll find your bark

[26:48] when the time is right

[26:49] and they also teach her

[26:50] that she should have given

[26:51] the gardener's dog a chance

[26:52] because he really loved her

[26:54] and in the end

[26:55] she finds her bark

[26:57] delgado finds his scent again

[26:58] wait a minute

[26:59] really?

[27:00] yes

[27:01] and the gardener's dog wins her over

[27:03] wait do they

[27:04] basically everybody gets what they want

[27:05] do they awkwardly make love

[27:06] as dogs are wont to do

[27:07] sounds like

[27:08] not on camera

[27:09] sounds like the end

[27:10] of one of shakespeare's comedies

[27:11] it does yes

[27:12] both the high and low characters

[27:14] they all split up

[27:15] have a happy ending

[27:16] the drug deal

[27:17] or the dog fight artist

[27:18] gets taken away by the police

[27:20] piper parabo falls in love with the gardener

[27:22] it is very much like a

[27:23] like a shakespearean story

[27:24] and uh

[27:25] but where's our

[27:26] where's our falstaffian character

[27:28] hmm

[27:29] which one would that be

[27:31] i think maybe the iguana

[27:32] what the rat

[27:33] the iguana and rat

[27:34] i think it's implied

[27:35] that they get married

[27:36] in like iowa

[27:37] where it's legal now

[27:38] but wait

[27:39] they follow

[27:40] that's right

[27:41] there's an epilogue

[27:42] at the end

[27:43] that tells you

[27:44] what happens

[27:45] there's a very cheaply

[27:46] produced epilogue

[27:47] where they

[27:48] imagine like the end

[27:49] of animal house

[27:50] but with like a bunch

[27:51] of photoshopped pictures

[27:52] of actual animals

[27:53] so it's like

[27:54] it'll be a still

[27:55] from the film

[27:56] and they'll photoshop

[27:57] in like visual elements

[27:58] to show you

[27:59] what's going on

[28:00] but uh

[28:01] they didn't shoot

[28:02] extra things

[28:03] no

[28:05] it's implied

[28:06] and the kids

[28:07] are gonna know

[28:09] why i'm laughing at that

[28:10] i do

[28:11] because you're

[28:12] a terrible person

[28:13] okay

[28:14] uh

[28:15] i'm just kidding

[28:16] no i'm not

[28:17] it's actually cool

[28:18] you're not a terrible person

[28:19] no that's true

[28:20] uh

[28:21] so the rat and the iguana

[28:22] it's revealed

[28:23] did you apologize

[28:24] uh no

[28:25] anyway so the rat

[28:26] the rat and the iguana

[28:27] come back to california

[28:28] and it's implied

[28:29] that they discover

[28:30] what bling is

[28:31] okay

[28:32] and it's also implied

[28:33] that it's like

[28:34] you know like

[28:35] shiny jewelry

[28:36] yeah

[28:37] apparently that's what rats

[28:38] and iguanas look like

[28:39] i guess they didn't know

[28:40] the term

[28:41] they're from mexico

[28:42] but i mean

[28:43] i'm sure that's a pretty

[28:44] well known thing

[28:45] i mean like

[28:46] that's pretty well

[28:47] known in america

[28:48] yeah america

[28:49] yeah but like

[28:50] like i'm sure

[28:51] they saw a movie

[28:52] or something

[28:53] how were they gonna

[28:54] see a movie

[28:55] or they heard like

[28:56] like one of those

[28:57] hip hop songs

[28:58] yeah

[28:59] i was in spanish

[29:00] probably

[29:01] they saw notorious

[29:02] neighborhood

[29:03] hell yeah

[29:04] what podcast neighborhood

[29:05] yeah

[29:06] podcast alley

[29:07] in the internet

[29:08] exactly

[29:09] shot entirely on location

[29:10] in the internet

[29:11] okay that sounds

[29:12] pretty good

[29:13] i'll watch that

[29:14] is that like

[29:15] lawnmower man

[29:16] yeah

[29:17] did you guys

[29:18] ever see hardware wars

[29:19] it's like an eight minute

[29:20] parody of star wars

[29:21] that came out

[29:22] in the late 70s

[29:23] no but i've seen

[29:24] the movie hardware

[29:25] well in the end

[29:26] in the credits

[29:27] i'm familiar with

[29:28] that thing thumb wars

[29:29] the last credit in it

[29:30] is uh

[29:31] it's funny

[29:32] it's a funny gag

[29:33] oh no that's good

[29:34] that's funny

[29:35] uh

[29:36] any who

[29:37] but yeah so

[29:38] what happens to the

[29:39] other characters

[29:40] they just all

[29:41] become famous

[29:42] and love each other

[29:43] yeah

[29:44] chloe and the

[29:45] gardener dog

[29:46] oh yeah

[29:47] this evil dog diablo

[29:48] who runs away at the end

[29:49] after almost trying

[29:50] to kill everybody

[29:51] it's revealed

[29:52] the epilogue for him

[29:53] is that he was found

[29:54] and adopted by a woman

[29:55] who likes to dress her

[29:56] dogs up in dresses

[29:57] and the implication

[29:58] is that he's gonna

[29:59] snap and rip

[30:00] say that you know it's just like

[30:01] do you have a guess is like you caught me

[30:03] well i hate said

[30:05] well i gotta give it out of work to do now

[30:07] what are you going to do

[30:08] from a dog that's what i think that's you know like that's it's not at all

[30:13] well kind of it's

[30:14] it's very little a little bit like system

[30:16] yet mostly unlike says that i think it's a lot like systems

[30:20] so it was great like everything tied up everything wrapped up really and there

[30:24] were no loose ends there's no loose ends at all

[30:27] Jamie Lee Curtis, Piper Parabo and their dude are lovers and it was like

[30:33] they'd captured the dog in time

[30:35] so she never knew that anything it was like the end of Ferris Bueller's Day

[30:38] or like the end of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dad

[30:42] Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dad?

[30:44] Kids, I need some extra money so I'm babysitting you in disguise so your mom will pay me

[30:49] do not tell her well it's because actually that's Mrs. Doubtfire's Don't

[30:53] Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dad

[30:55] That's the plot of the show

[30:56] You only just realized that?

[30:57] That should have been the title for the night

[30:59] I wish

[31:00] They tried

[31:01] Don't be the funniest joke in Mrs. Doubtfire

[31:03] Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dad?

[31:04] No there's got to be a great joke where he sets

[31:06] That was the New Yorker title for the review

[31:10] Oh that would have been great

[31:11] Anthony Lane wrote that one

[31:13] You're saying the funniest part was when he sets his boobs on fire

[31:15] Yeah he probably sets his boobs on fire that's hilarious

[31:17] Well he does set his boobs on fire

[31:19] That's hilarious

[31:21] Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dad

[31:24] So that's what this movie is summary

[31:26] So what would anyone else have anything to say about this movie?

[31:30] I feel like we could talk about this for hours

[31:33] Yeah apparently

[31:34] But we don't need to

[31:35] We should go on to our final judgments on this movie

[31:37] Final judgments?

[31:39] Already?

[31:40] I thought you were going to make the bandit sound

[31:41] Yeah I thought you were going to do the final judgment sound

[31:43] Final judgments

[31:45] A current affair

[31:47] Don't tell them where we got it or else we'll be sued

[31:52] Well we bought it at a current affairs estate sale

[31:55] Yep because I can do it so well with my mouth

[31:58] That I'm like fucking Michael Winslow from the Police Academy movies

[32:01] You're the Michael Winslow of that one sound effect

[32:04] So yet again for those just joining us

[32:07] The official Flophouse categories

[32:09] Yet again

[32:10] Is this a good bad movie?

[32:12] A bad bad movie?

[32:14] Or a movie that you actually liked in some way?

[32:16] Okay so an A, B, or C-

[32:19] That's as low as the scale goes

[32:21] C-

[32:22] Still passable

[32:24] Okay Elliot what's your call on this one dude?

[32:27] I'm going first

[32:28] You know what?

[32:29] I did not really enjoy the movie

[32:32] And I would not recommend it

[32:35] But it's less than 90 minutes long

[32:38] And it zooms by really fast

[32:40] If I had been forced to watch this with a child

[32:42] It would not have been the worst thing we could have watched

[32:44] And compared to Seven Pounds it's fucking the seventh seal

[32:47] Stick with seven oriented films

[32:50] Well I ran out of them

[32:53] This is Rashomon next to Seven Pounds

[32:56] So I'm going to call it

[32:59] For children a good bad movie

[33:02] But for adults a bad bad movie

[33:04] This is no Bratz film

[33:06] I've upgraded the Bratz movie to the Bratz film

[33:09] If I was dating a woman who already had a child

[33:12] And the kid was like

[33:16] You know surrogate daddy daddy

[33:19] Let's watch a movie

[33:20] And I'm like

[33:21] Surrogate is a big word for you

[33:22] And I'm like I don't know about that

[33:24] A movie

[33:25] And the kid is like

[33:26] Yeah let's watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua

[33:28] Having just seen it

[33:30] You know it's not that bad

[33:32] It's stupid

[33:34] It moves along pretty quickly

[33:36] I can make some jokes

[33:38] I can drink a couple beers during it

[33:41] It's not that bad

[33:43] It's not Seven Pounds for instance

[33:45] So I don't know if I can answer this

[33:48] I don't think your categories

[33:51] I don't think your categories Dan

[33:53] I don't think it can be confined

[33:55] In your little balls you've set out for

[33:57] It's not a good movie

[33:58] And it's not a fun movie

[33:59] It's not an offensive movie

[34:01] The way I thought it might be

[34:02] Unless you're Mexican

[34:04] In which case it's a very offensive movie

[34:05] Oh absolutely

[34:06] If I was Mexican

[34:07] I would have shot the screen

[34:09] With one of my six guns

[34:11] And then shot my sombrero

[34:14] Off of my own head

[34:16] I will say the soundtrack of the movie

[34:18] Gets a F minus

[34:20] Minus, minus, minus

[34:22] But if it had Who Let the Dogs Out

[34:24] A plus

[34:25] Oh A minus

[34:26] Really you're a tough creator

[34:27] A minus

[34:28] Stewart's taking a stand against great inflation

[34:30] Oh okay

[34:31] Any movie with Who Let the Dogs Out

[34:32] Gets an A plus

[34:33] As far as I'm concerned

[34:34] Chandler's List

[34:35] That's an A movie

[34:36] But throw Who Let the Dogs Out

[34:37] A plus

[34:38] And there's so many scenes

[34:39] Where you could have put in

[34:40] Who Let the Dogs Out

[34:41] That would be improved

[34:42] By Who Let the Dogs Out

[34:43] Oh it's beautiful

[34:44] Well you just like

[34:45] The first time you see

[34:46] The Nazis running out of school

[34:47] Carrying their Nazi diplomas

[34:48] And you're just like

[34:49] Who let the dogs out

[34:50] And it's like

[34:51] Yeah who did let them out

[34:52] Who let this noxious philosophy

[34:53] Take over a country

[34:54] Or the bit when the Baja men

[34:55] Show up

[34:56] And they try and get

[34:57] Oscar Schindler

[34:58] To get all the Jews

[34:59] To get really excited

[35:00] And have a good time

[35:01] That would have been

[35:02] The perfect time

[35:03] To do a song

[35:04] It's very strange

[35:05] They didn't do it

[35:06] When they're playing

[35:07] Their like drums

[35:08] And marimba shit

[35:09] They sang a Caribbean version

[35:10] Of Hava Nagila instead

[35:11] Not as good

[35:13] Nothing but trouble

[35:14] What?

[35:15] You know digital underground

[35:16] Nothing but trouble

[35:17] What movie?

[35:18] Maybe the worst movie ever made

[35:19] I thought we weren't talking

[35:20] About that movie ever again

[35:21] By the way Stuart

[35:22] If you were dating

[35:23] A woman with a small child

[35:24] I imagine there would be

[35:25] A lot of throwing

[35:26] The small child around

[35:27] Yeah probably

[35:28] Juggling it from hand to hand

[35:29] Instant

[35:30] I see you instantly

[35:31] Wearing a trucker cap

[35:32] Not ironically

[35:33] And having

[35:34] An oily handkerchief

[35:35] Hanging out of your back pocket

[35:36] For some reason

[35:37] You're a mechanic

[35:38] So wait

[35:39] And a half smoked

[35:40] So wait man

[35:41] You're a mechanic

[35:42] Yeah

[35:43] Wait in this world

[35:44] Would I be like

[35:45] The good dad

[35:46] That you're like

[35:47] I kind of feel good

[35:48] For this guy

[35:49] Where you're like

[35:50] Man I wish

[35:51] One of the members

[35:52] Of Puddle of Mud

[35:53] Would come and beat him up

[35:54] You're in the middle

[35:55] You're like the decent

[35:56] Blue collar

[35:57] Stepfather figure

[35:58] But you don't

[35:59] You don't really

[36:00] Understand the kids

[36:01] But you mean well

[36:02] Yeah I'm kind of like

[36:03] A Bruce Springsteen-esque

[36:04] Character

[36:05] I was going to think

[36:06] More like the guy

[36:07] In Aaron Brockovich

[36:08] Yeah

[36:09] Okay

[36:10] Aaron Eckhart's character

[36:11] Is like the sexiest

[36:12] Guy in the movie

[36:13] So

[36:14] I haven't given

[36:15] My rating yet

[36:16] I'm going to say

[36:17] I wouldn't say

[36:18] That this is a movie

[36:19] That I kind of like

[36:20] In some way

[36:21] However like

[36:22] For kids

[36:23] This was much less

[36:24] Offensive than I thought

[36:25] It was going to be

[36:26] Like all the stupid

[36:27] Beverly Hills

[36:28] Like jokes

[36:29] That I thought

[36:30] Would be the main

[36:31] Focus of this film

[36:32] Are disposed with

[36:33] In like the first

[36:34] Five minutes mainly

[36:35] I will say that

[36:36] That gay dog

[36:37] Is pretty offensive

[36:38] Yeah

[36:39] But then it just

[36:40] I weirdly wanted

[36:41] To have sex

[36:42] With that gay dog

[36:43] After the show

[36:44] Stuart Wellington's

[36:45] Uncomfortable

[36:46] Confessions

[36:47] It's

[36:48] The movie is actually

[36:49] Sort of on par

[36:50] With like

[36:51] Live action

[36:52] Disney movies

[36:53] From the 60's

[36:54] Yeah crappy movies

[36:55] Like a Herbie movie

[36:56] Or whatever

[36:57] I would say

[36:58] The one with Lindsay Lohan

[36:59] I would say

[37:00] I would say

[37:01] It's a little lower

[37:02] Than those

[37:03] If only because

[37:04] There's no

[37:05] There's like

[37:06] There's a certain

[37:07] Innocence and a certain

[37:08] Spirit of like

[37:09] Right

[37:10] Whereas this feels

[37:11] More calculated

[37:12] Yes but

[37:13] On the scale of

[37:14] Dog children movies

[37:15] I would place this below

[37:16] Don Bluth's

[37:17] All dogs go to heaven

[37:18] Yeah

[37:19] But above

[37:20] Chevy Chase

[37:21] And Oh Heavenly Dog

[37:22] Where would you put

[37:23] What about that one

[37:24] Gary Busey movie

[37:25] Where he's

[37:26] He gets reincarnated

[37:27] As a dog

[37:28] I have no memory

[37:29] Of this movie

[37:30] Have you not seen that one

[37:31] I forgot the title of it

[37:32] What about Balto

[37:33] Wait Gary Busey

[37:34] As a dog

[37:35] You'll have to look it up

[37:36] Alright we're gonna rent this

[37:37] It's terrible

[37:38] Ginger Dead Man

[37:39] Is a higher budget film

[37:40] That's another Gary Busey

[37:41] Classic

[37:42] No that sounds good

[37:43] But anyway

[37:44] Man he's been in so many good movies

[37:45] I will say the one

[37:46] The one thing about

[37:47] The movie that

[37:48] We mentioned before

[37:49] Is just the sexualization

[37:50] Which one

[37:51] Ginger Dead Man or

[37:52] No no no

[37:53] Beverly Hills Chihuahua

[37:54] Ginger Dead Man

[37:55] Is about the sexualization

[37:56] Of gingerbread men

[37:57] Yes

[37:58] But the sexualization

[37:59] Of the dogs

[38:00] Was the creepy thing

[38:01] About it

[38:02] But I don't think

[38:03] A kid is gonna notice

[38:04] That there's anything

[38:05] Wrong with that

[38:06] Yeah

[38:07] I mean

[38:08] I mean

[38:09] So since

[38:10] All about the sexualization

[38:11] Yeah I mean

[38:12] Now that people are listening

[38:13] We're gonna say

[38:14] It's creepy right

[38:15] Yeah now that we're done

[38:16] Masturbating to it

[38:17] Yeah

[38:18] We're gonna say

[38:19] It's creepy in public

[38:20] You're gonna say face

[38:21] Okay that's fine

[38:22] I'm gonna pretend

[38:23] This never happened

[38:24] And just say it was creepy

[38:25] Okay no that's cool

[38:26] And I guess those

[38:27] Were our final judgments

[38:28] Yeah

[38:29] Yeah A plus

[38:30] No again

[38:31] Again

[38:32] Best picture

[38:33] As always

[38:34] Top of my top ten

[38:35] You have misunderstood

[38:36] I have a letter

[38:37] That I'm going to read

[38:38] Dearest Flopaz

[38:39] I miss you so

[38:40] Abigail

[38:41] These Colonials

[38:42] It's me

[38:43] John Adams

[38:44] Dude

[38:45] The Union troops

[38:46] Are on our trail

[38:47] I will never see

[38:48] Our beloved plantation again

[38:49] If you feel a breeze

[38:50] Brush against

[38:51] Tell Remus

[38:52] I said hello

[38:53] Continue

[38:54] Continue enslaving him

[38:55] Yours

[38:56] Jebediah Davis

[38:57] Oh my god

[38:58] Oh my god

[38:59] Oh my god

[39:00] Oh my god

[39:01] Oh my god

[39:02] Oh my god

[39:03] Oh my god

[39:04] Oh my god

[39:06] Oh my god

[39:07] Umm

[39:08] No

[39:09] Like I'm going to white

[39:10] White watch the

[39:11] Contedracy

[39:12] No I guess that's true

[39:13] It's a black mark

[39:14] In American history

[39:15] Yeah

[39:16] It is a black mark

[39:17] Or at least it looks

[39:18] On as a problem

[39:19] But anyway you were saying

[39:20] Remember that

[39:21] Flophouse listeners

[39:22] Remember

[39:23] All of you pro

[39:24] Contederacy

[39:25] Flophouse listener

[39:26] You know what

[39:27] I think

[39:28] I think

[39:29] States rights dude

[39:30] I think

[39:31] States rights

[39:32] ulreiter

[39:33] Come on

[39:34] I don't care what anyone says

[39:35] Alright

[39:36] You know what

[39:37] I think Lincoln

[39:38] Had the right idea

[39:39] I don't care what anyone says

[39:40] So this letter

[39:41] Is from page

[39:42] Last name withheld

[39:43] And it's

[39:44] Titled

[39:45] How's it spelled

[39:46] P-A-I-G-E

[39:47] Yeah

[39:48] P-A-J-J-J-J-J-J

[39:49] Bang on

[39:50] As they say

[39:51] Yeah cool

[39:52] Where do they say that

[39:53] In England

[39:54] Oh well

[39:55] I stand corrected then

[39:56] Subject says

[39:57] An English major

[39:58] Appreciates you

[39:59] Exclamation point

[40:00] Oh

[40:01] Yeah

[40:02] Yeah

[40:00] Yeah!

[40:01] Woo!

[40:02] This is something you would get on a very boring valentine's heart candy.

[40:08] An English major appreciates you.

[40:10] Somewhere.

[40:11] So.

[40:12] You are not worthless.

[40:15] So it says, do you know that I have an English degree from one of the best writing schools

[40:19] in the country?

[40:20] I do not know that.

[40:21] Thanks.

[40:22] Thanks, Paige, for this braggy letter.

[40:23] That's all I wanted to say.

[40:24] There's a second half.

[40:25] Oh, okay.

[40:26] Now that we're done making fun of you, continue.

[40:33] And yet I had to learn the word exposition on your podcast.

[40:36] Um, I gotta say, DeVry, not one of the best English schools in the country.

[40:41] Whoa!

[40:42] Whoa, man, Dad!

[40:43] That's written on that note, right?

[40:44] Yeah.

[40:45] Who wrote that joke in there?

[40:46] This has turned into the roast, the Flophouse roast of Paige's last name withheld.

[40:50] So it says, uh.

[40:51] Things are getting wild here at the Flophouse.

[40:54] She goes on to say, glad Mom and Dad's dollars were so well spent.

[41:00] So I guess you could consider this email a thank you note, a love letter, and a recommendation.

[41:06] Thanks for making me look up exposition on Wikipedia and be proxy also to learning the

[41:10] word including, the subtle, and better cousin to exposition.

[41:16] So much of the literature I've already read is retroactively much more rich and rewarding.

[41:20] That's very nice.

[41:21] So we're helping.

[41:22] We're helping things happen.

[41:23] Retroactively.

[41:25] Uh-oh.

[41:26] Looks like Stuart has a word he needs to go.

[41:27] Wait a minute.

[41:28] Let me jot that down.

[41:29] Retro means back in time, and actively means vigorously.

[41:33] To travel back in time vigorously!

[41:36] Of course!

[41:37] What?

[41:38] They made a movie titled this!

[41:39] This is where Stuart's knowledge of ancient languages fails him.

[41:44] Let me compare it to my Lumerian notes.

[41:48] Oh no!

[41:49] Tiamat is rising!

[41:51] Probably the necrotic manuscripts, or the mad Arab says that.

[41:57] She goes on to say, the love letter is that, well, like most chicks who listen to the Flophouse,

[42:03] I've fallen madly in love with you, the esteemed host, the witty banter, Gilmore Girls has

[42:08] nothing on you, and Lulu, the ever-interfering cat.

[42:12] You keep me sane at work, yet everyone thinks I'm losing my sanity because they think I'm

[42:15] laughing to myself at nothing.

[42:16] That's happened before, by the way.

[42:18] You're not alone.

[42:19] You've driven someone to insanity?

[42:21] Yeah, of course.

[42:22] It was through a period of gaslighting where I made that person believe they were going

[42:26] insane.

[42:27] Ah, you were gaslighting people for their aunt's jewelry.

[42:29] Ha ha ha!

[42:32] Oh, now you've exposed me, Elliot, I must slay you.

[42:35] Oh no.

[42:36] Sword canes at dawn.

[42:37] That's a terrible way to do it!

[42:40] Just make it regular swords!

[42:42] No, sword canes.

[42:43] You have to go find a sword cane.

[42:45] So I've got a curved handle I've got to deal with that's gonna slip right out?

[42:48] Yeah.

[42:49] I've got one with a weird skull handle.

[42:51] Oh, that's pretty awesome.

[42:52] Yeah, continue.

[42:53] We were done talking.

[42:54] We were being flattered.

[42:55] Yeah, we gotta...

[42:56] Well, I'm just, you know, a lot of ladies.

[42:59] What are you doing?

[43:00] A lot of ladies write in.

[43:01] Yeah, that's true.

[43:02] Maybe we should put together a Flophouse calendar where we're wearing revealing Flophouse clothing.

[43:08] Where we're wearing 27 different dresses.

[43:11] That's for all you ladies who watch that movie.

[43:14] All the back issue readers.

[43:16] And finally, the recommendation is The Fountain.

[43:20] I couldn't even get five minutes into the damn thing.

[43:22] Oh, fuck that movie.

[43:23] Oh, I'm the only one with a soft spot for that film.

[43:26] What does she say about it?

[43:27] She says, I could only get five minutes into the damn thing before I muted it and researched something I can't remember.

[43:33] I think it's a perfect fit.

[43:34] It's a really bad movie that is trying desperately to be intelligent and artistic.

[43:38] The director should stick to heroin junkies and leave the love stories to other people.

[43:43] So return the love and give me the satisfaction of listening to you castigate the awfulness within.

[43:49] Speaking for myself, I will say that I enjoyed The Fountain when I saw it.

[43:52] Don't be an apologist.

[43:53] I'm not an apologist.

[43:54] I'm not going to apologize for my own taste.

[43:56] That's a terrible movie.

[43:57] But I can understand people's problems with it, but I enjoyed it a lot.

[44:00] But also, I was seeing it right at the time.

[44:04] That's right.

[44:05] I know this story.

[44:06] I was seeing it right at the time when my relationship with my girlfriend was going from, like,

[44:11] this is pretty good to, like, this is the woman that I'm going to spend my life with.

[44:15] So seeing this movie about – that isn't a great movie, but I like it – about a man who literally is doing whatever he can

[44:22] through time and space and history to keep the woman he loves alive with him forever,

[44:26] you know, really touched us at the time, and it was a very emotional experience for us.

[44:30] I think you made Paige's last name withheld fall in love with you even more.

[44:35] Oh, sorry, Paige.

[44:36] I'm taken.

[44:37] Yeah.

[44:38] Nothing a little bit of gaslighting won't fix.

[44:43] I think now you just mean turning the gas on so that she suffocates.

[44:46] That's terrible.

[44:48] You know, I tried to watch –

[44:49] I'm not going to fucking give away my secrets.

[44:52] You'll never know.

[44:53] But so I can understand why other people don't like The Fountain, but it holds a special place in my heart.

[44:57] I tried to watch that movie because, you know, like, it's a movie that has a lot of split critical opinion on it,

[45:03] and I find that movies that, like, people either love or hate are often the most interesting movies,

[45:07] and so I tried to watch it, and the Netflix copy of it I got kept breaking down.

[45:13] In tears because it was so moved.

[45:16] It's so beautiful.

[45:17] I have to say I was happy.

[45:18] You know, I was like, all right, I don't have to watch any more of this.

[45:21] It is a movie I don't know that I will ever watch again.

[45:23] Yeah, I mean, I remember watching it, and I think I'm the same way.

[45:27] I think about midway through, I stopped and did a little bit of research on my own

[45:30] to see what happens when girls' clothes fall off on the internet.

[45:34] And you know what?

[45:36] I think I've got a pretty good idea.

[45:38] I came to some interesting conclusions, let me tell you.

[45:41] You have a paper coming out about that.

[45:44] It's a tissue paper.

[45:46] Oh, Dan, go ahead.

[45:49] Sorry, Paige.

[45:50] It's me.

[45:51] Remember when that girl loved us?

[45:54] Now she hates her gross.

[45:55] No more.

[45:56] I understand.

[45:57] So let's go on to...

[45:58] I'm gonna go take a shower.

[45:59] Let's get on to recommendations because we're running a little long

[46:02] because we loved Beverly Hills Chihuahua so much.

[46:04] It took us about ten minutes to get to Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

[46:07] So this is the part of the podcast where we talk about movies we actually enjoyed in some way.

[46:13] No Such Thing.

[46:14] Sure.

[46:15] Just like the movie I didn't enjoy, No Such Thing.

[46:18] Hal Hartley film.

[46:19] Hal Hartley film about a monster who lives on an island and becomes a media star.

[46:24] All right, so that's a no for No Such Thing.

[46:26] Pete's Dragon?

[46:27] Yeah.

[46:28] I know.

[46:29] I wish.

[46:30] Pete's Dragon.

[46:31] The dragon's name is Elliot.

[46:32] How's that song?

[46:33] Candle on the Water.

[46:34] I don't remember that one.

[46:35] I don't remember that one.

[46:36] I'll be your candle on the water.

[46:37] Okay, so we're talking about movies we like.

[46:38] No Such Thing is a no.

[46:40] Pete's Dragon is a yay.

[46:42] Stuart, what do you have?

[46:44] Okay.

[46:45] That doesn't count for mine, by the way.

[46:47] Okay.

[46:48] I don't know.

[46:49] I'm gonna go with the movie Dan and I went and saw earlier this week.

[46:53] I had a little fancy screening.

[46:55] An advanced screening.

[46:58] By the time this podcast is posted, the movie will be out for all to see.

[47:02] Out and closed.

[47:04] Wow.

[47:05] But we went to an advanced screening.

[47:07] We're pretty important media stars.

[47:10] Let me finish.

[47:11] Okay.

[47:12] We ended up getting to go see Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell, which is hitting theaters

[47:19] this weekend, which is probably in the past for you guys, but we already mentioned that.

[47:24] Yeah, it's great.

[47:25] It's silly at the right points.

[47:27] It's scary at the right points.

[47:29] There's tons of gratuitous vomiting and things like that.

[47:32] It's a lot of fun, and it's a great movie to see in a theater with a bunch of other

[47:37] people that'll scream.

[47:38] Not with the people that were sitting in front of Dan and I, who were not big media types

[47:43] and kept talking throughout the entire movie.

[47:46] They kept up a running commentary throughout every minute of the film.

[47:53] I never thought they'd ruin the movie.

[47:56] That's the effect of the movie.

[47:58] The movie was so good that it didn't ruin it for us.

[48:02] No, it didn't.

[48:03] It was awesome.

[48:04] And I have to say also-

[48:05] I grabbed you a couple times, right?

[48:07] I was so scared.

[48:08] And then the movie started.

[48:09] Well, the first time was when Justin Long came on screen, because I know you love that

[48:14] guy.

[48:15] He's a dream.

[48:16] You had to hold him back so he didn't rush at the screen.

[48:18] Yeah, he's not really there.

[48:20] That's an image.

[48:21] That's not really a Mac.

[48:22] It's Justin Long.

[48:23] Some people have been worried about Sam Raimi making a PG-13 movie, and as I was explaining

[48:27] to a friend, that just means that they've replaced the geysers of blood with geysers

[48:33] of other unpleasant fluids.

[48:35] Vomits, anvils, all kinds of shit.

[48:38] Anvils, really?

[48:39] That's a fluid.

[48:40] There is an anvil.

[48:41] You'll see.

[48:42] It's a special type of fluid.

[48:43] Yeah.

[48:44] The only thing that can stop these ghosts is liquid anvils.

[48:48] I've seen a couple movies I liked recently.

[48:51] Do we have to get in our DeLorean to go watch them?

[48:54] No, they're available on video or DVD.

[48:56] Okay.

[48:57] One of them is...

[48:58] He just means get in our DeLorean to go down to the video store.

[49:01] Oh, then yes, maybe, if you don't own copies of them.

[49:04] I saw the movie version of Spengali from the 30s that I enjoyed a lot, another movie that

[49:09] escapes me that I enjoyed.

[49:10] But anyway, the one I...

[49:11] That sounds good.

[49:12] Oh, it was Marty.

[49:13] I had finally got around to seeing that.

[49:16] But the movie I'm going to recommend is a documentary film that Louis Mall made in the

[49:22] mid-80s called God's Country.

[49:25] And he goes to a town in Minnesota.

[49:28] I think it was called Glencoe.

[49:30] And he shot some footage in 1978 or 79.

[49:34] And then he comes back six years later and talks to the same people.

[49:38] And it's this farming community in Minnesota, about 40 minutes or an hour outside of Minneapolis.

[49:45] And it's really just him talking to these people there.

[49:48] And it's such a neat kind of look at this very specific slice of America at that point

[49:53] in time, and this kind of disappearing race of farmers, basically.

[49:58] Like the farmer is a disappearing type in America.

[50:00] and catching them on the edge of that,

[50:02] like as private farming is dying

[50:05] and becoming these large agribusinesses.

[50:07] But also, you see this footage of this late 70s wedding

[50:10] that's really ridiculous and funny,

[50:12] and there's just like, you see like a-

[50:15] Like Rachel Getting Married.

[50:16] It's like Rachel Getting Married

[50:17] if Rachel Getting Married was like

[50:18] a believable, enjoyable film.

[50:20] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[50:21] I exaggerate, Rachel Getting Married is a solid B.

[50:24] But it was just, there's some funny parts

[50:28] and there are some very touching parts.

[50:30] And it just really, it hit me in a way

[50:33] that a lot of movies I had seen recently hadn't hit me.

[50:35] And I think it's because of this time capsule aspect

[50:38] of these real people in this moment in their lives.

[50:41] So, I'm going to recommend a movie

[50:45] that I just saw recommended to me on Netflix.

[50:48] Empire Records.

[50:50] Empire Records.

[50:52] And it was a movie that I can't believe-

[50:53] You like Stealing Beauty.

[50:55] You might like other Liv Tyler films.

[50:57] One Night at McCool's, Empire Records, and others.

[51:01] Well, the crazy video.

[51:03] I have to assume that the fact that it was recommended to me

[51:07] and I hadn't rated it on Netflix already

[51:09] because I'm a compulsive rater of movies on Netflix.

[51:12] And in real life.

[51:13] Means that the DVD just came out or something,

[51:16] or a new like copy of the DVD came out,

[51:18] or it's newly available on Netflix.

[51:21] But I'm going to recommend the movie Salesman.

[51:24] Oh, that's another documentary.

[51:26] Yeah.

[51:27] The Maisels Brothers, cinema verite documentary

[51:31] about a Bible salesman.

[51:33] And it's just, it's beautifully shot,

[51:36] beautiful black and white.

[51:38] It's a very-

[51:39] It's a sad movie.

[51:40] It's a stark film about a traveling Bible salesman

[51:44] and the Bible salesman business.

[51:46] And, but it's a beautiful movie, a harrowing movie.

[51:50] I saw it when I was a film school student

[51:53] for all of three months before deciding

[51:57] that film school was not for me.

[51:59] You know, I was getting great grades.

[52:01] I just didn't like it.

[52:02] So, but it was a movie that I saw for the first time

[52:06] in a screening there.

[52:08] Summa Cum Laude over here.

[52:10] Summa Cum Laude.

[52:12] There's a, it might've missed it already,

[52:15] but there was, they're showing another Maisels Brothers

[52:17] movie recently, a short of theirs

[52:19] that Albert Maisel is going to speak after

[52:21] called Meet Marlon Brando.

[52:22] Have you ever seen that one?

[52:23] No.

[52:23] I have it on tape.

[52:24] I'll show it to you.

[52:25] It's really good.

[52:26] It's just like Marlon Brando was doing a day

[52:27] of press interviews for the movie Moratory.

[52:30] And it's just like him interacting with the reporters

[52:33] that have come from all over the country

[52:35] and the wire services to talk to him for a day

[52:37] in this New York hotel and do like 10 minute interviews.

[52:40] And it's really good.

[52:41] Like you watching it, you're like, wait a minute.

[52:43] This is why Marlon Brando was a star.

[52:46] He has amazing charisma.

[52:47] As opposed to when you watch his movies

[52:49] and you're like, I don't get it.

[52:50] Why, why was this guy a star?

[52:51] Wow.

[52:52] So two documentaries.

[52:53] Alex calling out Marlon Brando.

[52:54] Calling out the late Marlon Brando.

[52:55] Well, I saw Sayonara recently and I gotta tell you,

[52:57] I did not, it wasn't, I was not impressed by it.

[52:59] Yeah, the hit Marlon Brando film Sayonara.

[53:01] It won Red Buttons and Academy Award.

[53:04] All right.

[53:05] Island of Dr. Moreau.

[53:05] He was in that, right?

[53:06] Yeah, well that, I think he's fun in that one.

[53:08] He's just crazy.

[53:09] So two documentaries and a movie with geysers

[53:13] of vomit and whatnot.

[53:15] That's the flop house.

[53:16] Hey, which one did I recommend?

[53:19] I don't know, which movie has boobs in it?

[53:22] That one has, as a PG-13 movie, has no boobs.

[53:24] Yeah, there's no breasts.

[53:25] Although you can, you can see Alison Lohman naked.

[53:28] They're not great.

[53:29] Where the truth lies.

[53:31] Because I'm a human being, you just can't apparently.

[53:34] Apparently, yeah.

[53:36] Anyway.

[53:37] What if I wanted to see Helen Mirren naked?

[53:38] Where would I go for that?

[53:41] The Cook Thief, His Wife and Her Lover.

[53:43] What about Phoebe Cates?

[53:45] Paradise, a little film.

[53:47] Wow, you didn't go with the obvious one, huh?

[53:49] Well, sure, Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

[53:51] But I want it full body.

[53:52] Where would I go for that?

[53:53] Paradise.

[53:53] What about Monica Bellucci?

[53:55] There's so many of them.

[53:56] Yeah.

[53:57] There's a, there's a, there's a-

[53:58] You want to see a violent one?

[53:59] Smorgasbord.

[54:00] No, I don't want to see a violent one.

[54:01] Oh, Smorgasbord.

[54:02] That brings us all to a close.

[54:03] What about Shannon Tweed?

[54:05] I'll talk to you.

[54:05] Shannon Tweed.

[54:06] Where would I see that?

[54:07] I don't think she, she's probably a never nude, right?

[54:09] Where would I see Jenna Jameson nude in a film?

[54:13] Where would I see a nude person in a movie

[54:15] that involves the revenge of someone named Stagnetti?

[54:18] On this note of continuing to alienate

[54:21] Paige Lastname with hells.

[54:22] Oh, sorry Paige.

[54:24] We are going to sign off.

[54:25] Please keep listening.

[54:25] We'll be sensitive and nice next time.

[54:28] We're, we're, we're good people in real life.

[54:30] Not me.

[54:31] I would like to say that I've been Dan McCoy.

[54:34] I'm Stuart Wellingdon.

[54:35] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[54:37] Good night.

[54:38] Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do.

[54:44] The Flophouse, rated R.

[54:48] It's like that like ugly sex like thing

[54:50] where she'd be like, I'm so disgusted by this person

[54:53] that I'm kind of attracted to him.

[54:55] Yeah.

[54:56] Like how Udo Kier gets all those ladies.

[54:57] Yeah, Udo Kier gets a lot of ladies.

[54:59] It's how like all the members of Broken Lizard,

[55:01] I'm sure, have found girlfriends.

[55:03] You hate Broken Lizard so much.

[55:04] Because they fucking suck.

[55:06] They're the fucking shittiest comedy group out there.

[55:09] Next to anyone involved in man TV.

[55:12] Man TV's been off the air for like two years now.

[55:13] I don't care, they can all die.

[55:15] If they all died and I found out like Tony Todd

[55:18] from Final Destination wouldn't claimed all of them,

[55:21] I would not bad Nile.

[55:22] I'm sure.

[55:23] I'd be like fucking the cosmos.

[55:24] I'm sure a few of them are very talented people

[55:26] who got stuck in a shitty television show.

[55:28] Sure, yeah.

[55:30] Be a fucking...

[55:31] Apologist.

[55:32] Apologist, thank you.

The Flop House: Episode #38 - Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Transcript

Description