The Flop House: Episode #45 - Skinwalkers

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we welcome two werewolf experts to discuss the movie Skinwalkers.

[0:30] Hello and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:36] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:37] And we've got a few extra guests tonight. Please introduce yourselves.

[0:43] Hi, my name is Rich Duncan. I've been on the podcast before.

[0:46] Yeah, you're actually the most frequent guest host, by the way.

[0:49] Oh, sweet.

[0:49] With this appearance.

S5

[0:51] My name is Bob Powers, and this is my first time on the podcast, and I'm real excited.

Dan McCoy

[0:55] Yeah, there are five of us today huddled around three microphones, so we apologize to long-time listeners if there's a dip in radio quality.

[1:04] And if you're listening for the first time, this is not representative.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08] Yeah, Elliot's on my lap this time.

[1:11] If he gets the giggles, it's because of the tickle fight we're at.

[1:15] Or the erection pressing into his back.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18] Dan, you took things to such a gutter level right off the bat.

[1:21] I cannot, and you usually, yeah, Mr. Prudery, Thomas Bowdler himself.

Dan McCoy

[1:29] Instead, wow.

[1:31] So why do we have five people on the show, you may ask yourself, rhetorical listener that I've just created?

[1:37] And the answer is because the two gentlemen sitting to my right, Mr. Bob Powers and Mr. Rich Duncan,

[1:45] wrote the upcoming book, The Werewolf's Guide to Life, which will be out the Tuesday following this podcast release.

[1:53] Is that correct?

[1:54] September 15th.

[1:55] So in the next couple days, when you hear this podcast, remember not to tip your waitresses.

[2:01] Save that money and instead spend it on this werewolf book.

[2:04] I assume that in this economy, you know, they need to find that money someplace else to apply to your werewolf guide.

S3

[2:10] I mean, I think it's 13 bucks.

[2:11] I think you could probably not be a jerk to your waitstaff and additionally also purchase the book.

Elliott Kalan

[2:16] At that price point, you could buy a couple and tip your waitress with a copy of the book.

[2:20] Yeah.

[2:21] That's a very reasonable price point.

Stuart Wellington

[2:22] Yeah, I mean, you just don't get that extra large Cold Stone Creamery thing you get.

[2:27] Yeah.

[2:27] That people like to purchase.

[2:29] Right?

[2:30] Now, cut back on the sweets.

Dan McCoy

[2:34] Rich, you are currently a blogger for TruTV and Bob, I know that you've written a couple of other books.

[2:43] A couple of Choose Your Own Adventure for Adults.

[2:46] Correct.

[2:47] Yes.

[2:47] The Just Make a Choice Adventure series.

[2:49] Uh-huh.

[2:50] And also based on your popular blog, Girls Are Pretty, you also had another book.

S5

[2:55] Called Happy Cruelty Day.

Dan McCoy

[2:57] Yeah.

[2:57] See, I'm doing a good job.

S5

[2:59] You're doing a great job.

[3:00] I'm playing everyone's projects.

[3:01] Based on your blog.

Elliott Kalan

[3:03] Yeah.

[3:03] Not like, and you had another book, but you had to explain why you thought that.

S5

[3:07] Well, actually, Dan is right because way more people know about the blog than ever bought

[3:14] that book.

[3:16] Never mind then.

[3:16] That's a good one.

S3

[3:17] Also, you are doing a great job, except for the only thing that's different between you

[3:20] and Charlie Rose is Charlie Rose rarely turns to his guest and goes, I'm doing a good

[3:24] job, right?

[3:26] But you are.

[3:28] You're doing a great job.

[3:28] Charlie Rose with a touch of Ed Koch.

S5

[3:30] I appreciate your posture.

[3:34] Thank you.

[3:36] Listeners, right now, Dan looks like he has been handcuffed underneath the table.

[3:42] He's presently trying to put a file into the lock to get free.

Elliott Kalan

[3:48] Just so you know, also like Charlie Rose, this show is recorded on the edge of an empty void

[3:53] of endless blackness.

Stuart Wellington

[3:58] Hey, this is all well and good guys.

[4:01] We're already having a lot of laughs.

[4:04] But don't we usually talk about a fucking movie or something?

[4:06] Oh, that's true.

[4:07] We did watch the movie tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] This is such a weird day.

[4:10] Dan's talking about penises.

[4:12] Stuart's a stickler for keeping on topic.

[4:14] I'm like, come on guys.

[4:15] I gotta take a shit later.

Dan McCoy

[4:16] We better hurry up.

[4:16] Yeah, he's even a stickler for staying on schedule with his bowel movements.

[4:22] Yeah, absolutely.

[4:23] Well, what movie was it, Dan?

[4:24] Oh, it's 10.03.

[4:24] It was called Skinwalkers, and it was a movie about werewolves, which is why we have the

[4:29] authors of The Werewolf's Guide to Life here in the studio.

Elliott Kalan

[4:33] They're experts on the subject.

[4:36] Werewolf spurts.

[4:39] Mm-hmm.

[4:39] What?

[4:39] That's the term.

[4:40] What?

[4:41] We call ourselves leg and throw community activists.

S5

[4:45] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[4:46] It's explained to us in a piece of text on the screen before the film starts that Skinwalker

[4:52] is a Navajo term for werewolf, and that there's a prophecy that one day a 13-year-old boy will

[4:59] be born who will turn 13 years old when the full moon turns red, and he'll have the ability

[5:04] to end the curse of werewolfism.

[5:08] And there are two kinds of werewolves, the good kind who want to end werewolfism, and the

[5:12] bad kind who want to keep being werewolves.

[5:16] And the reason they're bad is because they've tasted human blood, which unleashes the beast

[5:20] within.

[5:21] And so...

Dan McCoy

[5:22] Much like Monster Energy Drink unleashes the beast within.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] Yes.

[5:26] It's like Monster Energy Drink with evil consequences, as opposed to helping you with your workout,

[5:31] which I assume is what people drink.

[5:32] And making you more attractive to women.

[5:34] Well, you think of Axe Body Spray.

[5:35] Oh, shit.

[5:36] You're right.

[5:37] What have I been pouring on myself?

[5:39] Axe Body Spray.

[5:40] And drinking Axe Body Spray.

[5:42] This tastes terrible.

S3

[5:45] Incidentally, a real werewolf can smell Axe Body Spray from up to 10 miles away.

[5:49] Wow.

[5:50] As opposed to the traditional five.

[5:53] There's normal non-lycanthrope human.

Dan McCoy

[5:55] Now, is that just like lady werewolves?

[5:57] Are still the only ones attracted by Axe?

[5:59] Or do you think all werewolves?

[6:00] Is that the proper term?

[6:01] Lady werewolves?

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:03] Lady werewolves?

[6:03] I would think she-wolves.

S3

[6:05] There's no...

[6:06] She-wolves of the SS?

[6:07] Well, that was one type of she-wolf.

[6:08] There's no direct term for female or male werewolves.

[6:11] If you're a werewolf or you're a lycanthrope, there's no...

[6:14] They're not superheroes.

[6:15] It's still just a man or a woman.

[6:17] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] Well, anyway, so this is the story of these two battling groups of werewolves who don't

[6:23] wolf out that much and they spend a lot of time cocking guns and shooting at each other.

[6:27] They play basketball?

[6:28] Unfortunately, no.

[6:28] There's no basketball playing in the entire film.

[6:31] But the young boy is named Tim and he's with his mother played by...

[6:35] What's your name?

[6:36] Rona Martin?

[6:36] Rona Mitra.

[6:37] Rona Mitra.

[6:38] They're surrounded by a group of people including Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle star Elias Kodias

[6:43] and a couple of others.

[6:45] And Elias Kodias is the boy's uncle.

[6:47] And there's this evil group of werewolves that's chasing after them looking for this boy.

[6:52] It's kind of hard to summarize the plot since there's next to none.

[6:55] It's just kind of one group following another.

Dan McCoy

[6:57] It's another movie about a prophecy.

[6:59] There's a prophecy kid and one group wants the kid and the other group wants to protect

[7:03] the kid.

Elliott Kalan

[7:04] And it turns out that the leader of the evil group is actually the kid's father and the

[7:09] brother of Elias Kodias and that really doesn't complicate things that much as the plot continues.

[7:15] And then there's a big showdown in a warehouse.

[7:18] The good werewolves are kind of picked off one by one.

[7:21] Yeah, then they're in a warehouse that is inexplicably on fire and in the end...

[7:26] Should I give away the ending?

[7:27] Yeah, please.

[7:28] Okay.

[7:28] In the end, the boy turns 13.

[7:32] I guess he was born at the stroke of midnight.

[7:34] So he turns 13 exactly on midnight of his birthday.

[7:38] It's like a Salmon Rushdie novel.

Dan McCoy

[7:41] Or as I said, like a werewolf bar mitzvah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] Yes.

[7:44] This literally is his werewolf bar mitzvah.

[7:46] Although I don't think they're Jewish.

[7:47] So that's the thing.

[7:48] Well, you look kind of Jewish.

[7:49] They would be...

[7:50] You're swarthy.

[7:52] That's true.

[7:52] Well, most...

[7:53] It was pointed out...

[7:54] I forget who pointed it out.

[7:55] It might have been Rich.

[7:56] But the way that they hired people to play Native Americans in this was they got kind of swarthy people and then...

[8:01] Oh, it was Bob.

[8:02] You were the one who said it?

S5

[8:03] They told them not to shave and then they made them stay up for 24 hours before they came on set.

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] So to be a Native American is to be swarthy and tired and unshaven.

[8:13] But in the end, all the werewolves are fighting and Elias Codius is the only good werewolf left.

[8:18] That sounds pretty good.

[8:19] He tells Tim and his mother...

[8:21] He locks them in an elevator or a cage or something in his factory.

[8:25] And he says, I'll fight them off but I won't be able to control myself once I'm a wolf.

[8:29] So you might have to shoot me.

[8:31] He fights off the other evil werewolves.

[8:33] That came back to bite him in the ass, didn't it?

[8:35] Yeah.

[8:35] You think he's killed the leader of the bad werewolves?

[8:38] He turns on the mother and the son.

[8:40] They shoot and kill him.

[8:41] The leader of the bad werewolves comes back.

[8:43] He's not dead.

[8:44] Uh-oh.

[8:44] And then he bites his son just as it turns midnight, basically.

[8:50] And his son's blood cures him of his werewolfism.

[8:53] And it ends with the hope that if they...

Dan McCoy

[8:57] Go around the world and inoculate every werewolf with this kid's blood.

Elliott Kalan

[9:02] It also shows them injecting the kid's blood into bullets.

[9:05] I guess to shoot werewolves and kill them.

[9:08] Seriously.

[9:09] Just before you die, you'll be cured.

[9:12] Yeah.

S5

[9:13] I didn't think about that.

[9:14] That'll be good.

[9:15] The bullet itself will cause a lot of damage.

Stuart Wellington

[9:17] Yeah.

[9:18] I mean, because then they'll be killing regular humans and that's...

[9:20] Wait, no, that's still murder, right?

[9:22] That's murder.

S5

[9:22] The blood that flows on the floor underneath you will be pure.

Elliott Kalan

[9:25] It's just like Nicole Kidman in The Invasion where she's killing people because they're been

[9:31] taken over by an alien virus.

[9:33] But at the end, they discover a cure for the virus.

[9:36] So she is just a mass murderer at that point.

[9:38] Yeah.

S3

[9:39] I feel like every time I see you, Elliot, I'm always hearing, you know, this is just like

[9:42] Nicole Kidman in The Invasion.

[9:44] It's such a good movie.

[9:45] And it applies to so many things.

Elliott Kalan

[9:47] And the only other thing of real interest is that I guess that the good werewolves,

[9:51] when they wolf out, as it's said in Teen Wolf, when they wolf out is they put themselves

[9:56] in elaborate restraints and harnesses so that they can't get out and hurt anybody.

[10:00] Once you taste human blood, you'll be a wolf forever and a bad guy.

[10:04] So they have to stop themselves from eating human blood.

Dan McCoy

[10:06] Again, it's like monster energy drink.

Elliott Kalan

[10:08] Well, it might be.

[10:09] It is like, it might be a werewolf form.

[10:10] I mean, Judas are not supposed to drink blood or eat the food with blood in it.

[10:14] So it's supposed to be drained out, which is why...

Dan McCoy

[10:16] Whereas we Gentiles just love the taste of blood.

[10:19] The refreshing taste of blood.

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] It is why steak...

[10:22] I went to a kosher steakhouse not too long ago, and the steak was very dry and tasteless.

[10:26] It's because there's no blood in it.

[10:28] I did not know that.

[10:29] Do the...

[10:29] No, I'm not going to get into it normally.

[10:32] How do they cook that steak?

Dan McCoy

[10:36] Is that the well or very well?

[10:38] They smoke it.

[10:39] Well, they take the cow and they drain out all the blood.

[10:42] They put embalming fluid in the cow and then make a steak out of that.

Elliott Kalan

[10:46] That sounds pretty good.

[10:46] So that's the movie in a nutshell.

[10:48] Okay.

[10:48] It was an hour and a half of pure hilarity.

Stuart Wellington

[10:51] And the movie ends with that.

[10:53] You made the point.

[10:54] It ends exactly like The Matrix.

[10:56] Where they're like, oh wow, I've now become the salvation of werewolf kind.

[11:01] But our job isn't done yet.

[11:02] That's a story for another day.

[11:04] Skinwalkers 2.

Dan McCoy

[11:05] And then credits.

[11:06] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

S5

[11:07] And then a very, very poor imitation of Rage Against the Machine plays over the end credits.

Dan McCoy

[11:12] So Rich, you look like you're raring to make some comments about the depiction of werewolves.

[11:17] You've ducked towards the microphone several times and backed off.

S3

[11:20] Well, we're short of microphones.

[11:22] So what happens is I think I might have a good idea.

[11:24] And then the time that it takes for me to lean in makes me realize perhaps not.

[11:28] But I wanted to take a moment to talk about real werewolves since this is Hollywood depictions of werewolves.

[11:35] And in our book what we're doing is we're doing our best to make sure that real werewolves out there are not confused by what they see in Hollywood horror films.

[11:44] We stress they can be entertaining.

[11:46] This particular one, not so much.

[11:48] Right.

[11:48] But Hollywood horror films can be entertaining.

[11:50] But they're terrible ways to actually live as a werewolf.

Dan McCoy

[11:52] These are specifically like Native American werewolves.

[11:55] So this is only like, even if it was true.

[11:57] Vanishing werewolves.

[11:58] Yeah, this will only apply to a minority group within the werewolf community.

Elliott Kalan

[12:01] I mean the problem is if there's ever been an oppressed minority, it's Native American werewolves.

[12:05] The Native American people had their land stolen, forced on reservations.

[12:09] And then the werewolves forced on smaller reservations within those reservations.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] The werewolves were given a bunch of silver with smallpox on it.

[12:16] It was terrible.

[12:18] We did buy Werewolf Island for $24 worth of trinkets.

S3

[12:22] Anyway, but you were saying.

[12:23] You know, we get a lot of questions about which werewolf movie is right.

[12:27] Are there things in this movie or that movie?

[12:29] And we just generally, we just say avoid Hollywood movies for ways to learn about your lycanthropy.

[12:35] There's signs that are out there that, you know, have very little to do with your Native American rat tails.

[12:41] Although we will say, if you want, like, what I would like to do is focus on the positive as opposed to the negative.

[12:46] I'd say the restraint systems in this movie were shockingly effective.

Dan McCoy

[12:51] Yeah, and probably a good sex aid as well.

S3

[12:53] Well, they could be, you know, because they're very loose.

[12:55] Bob wrote most of the chapter on the restraints.

[12:57] What do you think about the restraint systems in this?

S5

[13:00] They looked accurate.

[13:03] And actually, yeah, the sex aid is a good point because a lot of restraint systems are, a lot of restraint systems for werewolves are designed by people who design S&M restraint systems or S&M contraptions.

[13:22] Basically, they will, they're the right people to go to because, you know, first of all, they don't ask a lot of questions.

[13:28] They are willing to work with, they want to be challenged.

[13:32] So if you tell them you need something stronger and odd material to make it out of, that kind of thing, they want to work with you.

[13:40] So I thought the restraint systems in this movie were pretty, pretty, pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] I liked your use of the word S&M contraption.

[13:48] That phrase made me think of like a, like a, like an old man in a, in a, in a small town who's like, oh, these damn darn S&M contraptions.

[13:57] He's like hitting the side of a, of some sort of leather Sibian device to get it to work again.

Dan McCoy

[14:04] Or maybe it's like a Rube Goldberg.

[14:05] Yeah, Rube Goldberg machine.

[14:06] Like, you light the, the, the candle then it'll burn through the string and the canary will fall asleep and then eventually you'll get spanked.

S5

[14:16] When I make love, it often looks like the game Mousetrap.

Stuart Wellington

[14:20] So it's not really a game.

[14:21] It's just like a stupid puzzle you set up, right?

[14:24] So that's what Mousetrap is.

Dan McCoy

[14:25] Well, it's a game in the, there's a winner.

[14:27] Well, kind of.

Stuart Wellington

[14:28] Basically, it goes around the board first and then gets caught in a Mousetrap or something, right?

[14:32] The winner of Mousetrap.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] I'm talking about in the S&M, there's a winner.

[14:34] Oh.

[14:34] Oh, there's a winner in S&M?

S3

[14:36] Is there a safe word in the game Mousetrap?

[14:38] I'm not sure.

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] Usually the safe word is, let's not play this anymore.

[14:42] And then you get up and walk away from it.

Dan McCoy

[14:44] This is really irritating, trying to set up this thing.

[14:47] This broke.

[14:48] Yeah.

[14:48] That's the safe word.

[14:49] I think we're missing a piece.

[14:51] It's the safe word.

S3

[14:52] I would like to add one more thing just to the restraint discussion.

[14:55] And that there was, we said the restraints in this movie were good.

[14:57] The one thing I would definitely recommend people never do, for some reason in this movie,

[15:03] when the werewolves were restrained in the truck, there was always someone constantly driving the truck.

[15:09] It was a huge truck and there were wild werewolves, three or four of them strapped to the walls of the truck

[15:14] and they were driving around, which seems incredibly reckless to me.

Dan McCoy

[15:17] Yeah.

[15:18] Well, Rich, I would say that those people were safe at all times, though.

[15:21] However, because it was clear that there was no truck driving going on,

[15:26] that it was all done by a rear screen projection.

[15:29] All those scenes where the werewolves were restrained, they were...

Elliott Kalan

[15:32] Dan, you were saying while we were watching it,

[15:34] this is the worst driving effects you've seen in a movie where it wasn't making a joke about bad driving special effects.

Dan McCoy

[15:42] Yeah, like Kill Bill, where it's a point where Quentin Tarantino's like,

[15:45] oh, I love it in old movies where they're clearly in front of just a film screen

[15:50] and they're projecting stuff on the back.

[15:52] Like, you know, in modern movies, they get someone to tow someone around.

[15:56] Apparently this movie didn't have the extra money to pay for a driver to tow the actors around.

Elliott Kalan

[16:01] They couldn't really pay for extras for most of the scenes, so I can understand.

[16:05] They spent all their money on the fabulous special effects.

[16:09] Presented by the Stan Winston effects shop.

[16:11] Never lets you down, right?

[16:13] Mmm, I don't know.

[16:15] This one kind of.

[16:16] It was no pumpkin head.

[16:17] Let's just say that.

[16:18] That's fair.

Stuart Wellington

[16:19] I heard there was a sex scene early on in this movie.

[16:22] How'd that work out?

Elliott Kalan

[16:23] Yeah, Stuart did not get to see the entire film.

Dan McCoy

[16:25] Yeah, let's come clean.

[16:28] Stuart had an issue at his day job, which meant that he came into the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[16:33] Dude, you could have tried to make it seem like it was something cool.

[16:36] Like, I got fired.

[16:36] Well, we didn't say what your day job was.

[16:38] Oh, okay.

[16:39] My day job is I'm a cage fighter.

[16:41] As a costume hero.

[16:44] Yeah, as a costume vigilante.

[16:46] That's the weird thing, is my day job is I moonlight as a costume vigilante, and by night,

[16:51] I'm a podcaster.

[16:54] I don't tell the people in my day job about my night job.

[16:57] That would be weird.

[16:58] It's a lot like the movie Angel, isn't it?

[17:00] It's exactly like the movie Angel.

[17:02] Stripper by day, student by night?

[17:04] Is that it?

[17:05] No, wait.

[17:06] Something's wrong.

[17:06] No, she's a stripper during the day when there aren't a lot of customers, and then she takes

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] night classes.

[17:13] She can't figure out how to make this work out differently.

S5

[17:18] She can only afford the night classes.

[17:20] One day all the strippers find out about school.

[17:22] She doesn't make enough stripping her in the day.

Dan McCoy

[17:25] Is there some way I could make more money?

[17:27] It's a real stripping catch-22.

[17:30] That's the original title.

[17:32] Of the book.

[17:36] Joseph Heller stripping catch-22.

Stuart Wellington

[17:38] So yeah, I missed the first bunch of the movie, guys.

[17:41] So I, like you, the viewers or listeners at home, I have no idea what the fuck happened

[17:45] to this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] Well, you're referring to, there's a scene where the good guys and the bad guys have had

[17:50] a shootout in the town.

[17:51] The good guys escaped.

[17:52] Sounds like a setup for a sex scene.

[17:53] The next thing you see is a roadside bar called the Last Chance Saloon, which is a stupid

[17:58] name.

[17:59] There's a waitress, a very hot waitress there, and she delivers two beers to two guys

[18:04] playing pool and say, or maybe she's not even a waitress, because she says, are we going

[18:07] to play some pool?

[18:08] And then they say, yeah, we'll play something.

[18:10] And they throw her on the billiard table and are about to rape her.

[18:13] And then one of the evil werewolves-

[18:15] Well, there are other patrons in the bar.

[18:16] Well, there are other people in the bar.

[18:17] One of the-

[18:18] In the middle of the day.

[18:19] One of the evil- no, it's that night.

Dan McCoy

[18:20] There were other patrons in the bar and the accused.

Elliott Kalan

[18:22] It was dusk at best.

[18:23] One of the evil werewolves is a woman.

[18:25] So she is suddenly- you see, she's at the bar.

[18:28] She turns in werewolf form and kills these two rapists.

[18:31] And for a moment, you're like, oh, I get it.

[18:34] She did it to protect that woman, because she's a woman.

[18:35] Werewolves aren't all bad.

[18:37] They're anti-rape.

[18:38] Then the other werewolves come in and kill everybody and eat the woman who was about to be raped.

[18:42] And that segues- they cut between them eating people and the leader of the bad werewolves

[18:48] and the woman having sex.

Stuart Wellington

[18:50] The werewolf woman.

[18:51] The werewolf woman.

[18:52] Okay.

[18:52] Is she all werewolfed out while they're having sex?

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] No, but there's a little bit of hair on her back.

[18:56] But that might have been there.

[18:57] I didn't notice that.

Stuart Wellington

[18:58] That's kind of gross.

[18:59] Are you serious?

[18:59] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:00] I didn't notice that.

[19:00] Yeah, I'm not down with that.

[19:01] It looks like they're having sex as they segway out of being werewolves.

S5

[19:05] It was a very useless- there was absolutely no segway.

[19:09] It wasn't a segway.

[19:10] It was just a thematic pairing.

Dan McCoy

[19:12] It was intercut.

S5

[19:13] Cut back and forth.

[19:14] Yeah, intercut between eating the victims that they just saved.

Elliott Kalan

[19:21] Sexual assault ruins the flavor of a victim, apparently.

Dan McCoy

[19:26] True.

[19:26] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[19:27] But they're telling us that drinking the blood of humans is akin to orgasm.

[19:33] It feels that good.

[19:34] Oh.

[19:35] Is it more of a-

[19:36] Oh, is it the reference?

[19:37] That sounds-

[19:38] It's a drug.

[19:39] Now you can't change it.

Stuart Wellington

[19:40] It sounds pretty hot, man.

Elliott Kalan

[19:41] Because later, one of the good characters is turned by being forced to drink human blood,

[19:45] and she is saying to the other good characters,

[19:48] Oh, if I could only share this feeling with you.

[19:50] Oh, it feels so good.

[19:52] Uh, uh.

[19:52] And then she dies, because, you know, she's a bad werewolf.

[19:54] Wait, she's like a vampire or something?

S3

[19:56] No.

[19:57] No, it's weird.

[19:57] It was a very vampire-ish kind of a theme to it.

[20:00] If you were-

[20:00] The bar scene in particular, Dan commented, was a lot like Near Dark.

[20:04] I feel like this was, uh, you know, they wanted to make a werewolf movie, but, you know,

[20:08] they decided to make it vampire-y because they knew a little bit more about that maybe.

Dan McCoy

[20:11] So she drank human blood?

Elliott Kalan

[20:13] Uh, I assume so.

[20:15] I don't know.

[20:15] That's what made her-

[20:16] They should have had a scene, frankly, where they drag a normal human victim over and kill

[20:20] him and force her to drink his blood.

[20:21] Seriously.

[20:22] It would have made it much clearer, as opposed to the endless scenes of people explaining the

[20:26] prophecy to other people, which has already been explained to us via text before the

[20:30] movie starts.

[20:31] Yeah, you know what?

Dan McCoy

[20:31] Like, the setup for this movie couldn't be simpler, and yet they obfuscate it for, like,

[20:37] the first 15 minutes of the movie.

[20:38] Like, the setup is just, okay, there are bad werewolves who enjoy being werewolves, and

[20:44] there are good werewolves who look on it as a curse, and there's a kid who can cure them

[20:49] all, and they gotta keep this kid safe until he's 13.

[20:53] Like, that's all- like, that's basically the whole movie.

S5

[20:55] What about, Elliot, the videotape at the beginning?

Elliott Kalan

[20:58] The videotape at the beginning is something that the protectors-

[21:00] Wait a minute, there's a videotape?

S3

[21:02] There's a videotape.

[21:03] He said it as if that was the most exciting-

[21:04] If they watch the videotape, the phone will ring, and then they will instantly turn into

[21:07] a werewolf.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] If they watch the videotape, a phone rings, and it tells them how much longer the shooting

[21:12] schedule is, and when they can move on to another project.

Dan McCoy

[21:15] It's a movie within the movie.

[21:16] It's-

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] It opens with a videotape.

[21:19] There's another-

[21:19] It's very meta, huh?

Stuart Wellington

[21:19] Like, Synecdopi, New Tit?

[21:21] I don't know what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] I don't know how Tit got into that title, but it's-

[21:25] There's a- there's another group- the movie- one of the things that the movie opens on

[21:29] is another group of good vampires.

[21:30] One of them's named Ralph.

[21:31] We don't know the other names.

[21:32] Werewolves, right?

[21:32] You said werewolves.

[21:32] Oh, sorry, werewolves.

[21:33] I got confused.

[21:34] I know.

[21:35] It's a vampire movie.

Dan McCoy

[21:37] That's why-

[21:38] It pretty much is.

[21:38] It's a vampire movie, but all of them are harrier.

[21:41] Yeah.

[21:41] But also vampires and werewolves, as we all know, are constantly fighting, and this

[21:45] is a movie about werewolves and werewolves fighting.

[21:47] Don't even get us started.

[21:48] It's like how from Ghostbusters all the time it's a zombie movie with vampires in it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:52] There's a group of good werewolves, and they're watching a video of the boy, Tim, and it's

[21:57] a video that's been sent out by Tim's protectors to tell other good werewolves, don't give

[22:01] up faith.

[22:02] We have the boy.

[22:03] He's doing well.

[22:04] You can be saved if you hold on a little bit longer.

Dan McCoy

[22:07] And they know that it's Tim, because there's a big sign that says Tim above his bed.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] His bed has, in big letters, Tim, right above his bed.

S3

[22:14] So this is a horror movie that pretty much could just be not necessary if they used Skype.

[22:19] Is that what we're saying?

[22:19] Yeah, probably.

Dan McCoy

[22:21] Well, it seems like odd, knowing that they're like bad werewolves out there.

[22:25] It's like, let's send out proof that this is still going on rather than...

S5

[22:28] Let's issue documentation of what this boy looks like.

[22:32] Well, the boy's back is to the camera.

Elliott Kalan

[22:35] They only find him because they can see, I guess, like a sweatshirt or something in the

[22:39] background.

Dan McCoy

[22:40] I think it's a sports jacket, maybe, or a varsity jacket.

Elliott Kalan

[22:42] Yeah, it's got a varsity jacket that says Huguenot on it, which is the name of the town

[22:45] that the boy grows up in, which has a thriving business district that no people are in, and

[22:52] also a cafe with a sheriff in it.

Dan McCoy

[22:54] I'm amazed they knew it was the town Huguenot.

[22:56] They didn't think that the boy was just a Huguenot.

[22:58] Maybe.

[22:59] We got to save him from Richelieu.

S5

[23:01] So, Elliot.

[23:03] Yeah, oh.

[23:05] I feel like you're the only one who saw this movie.

[23:08] I feel like you made this.

[23:09] I felt that often.

[23:10] You've made this movie, and I'm asking you why, how it works.

Elliott Kalan

[23:14] I feel like a couple times during the movie when I correctly predicted what line would

[23:17] be said next.

S5

[23:18] This child is the prophecy.

[23:20] He's the future because he has mixed blood.

Elliott Kalan

[23:23] He's a half-breed.

[23:24] His father's a werewolf, and his mother is a nut wolf.

S5

[23:26] Would it not be possible to make a vast army of these children just by mating with humans?

Elliott Kalan

[23:35] You would think so, except maybe it only works sometimes.

[23:38] They never really explain.

[23:39] They have to do a doggy style.

[23:41] Womp, womp, womp.

[23:43] I've been waiting all night for that one.

[23:45] They never really explain what's special about him besides the fact that he's a half-breed.

[23:48] And in that case, yeah, they could just make half-breeds.

[23:51] You have to assume that...

[23:52] And I kept thinking of the Cher song, Half-breed.

Dan McCoy

[23:54] Like, Ronan Mitra is the only woman who's ever been attracted to a werewolf man.

[24:00] That's what you kind of have to assume.

[24:01] There's like bestial nature.

Elliott Kalan

[24:03] To be fair, the other werewolves are not attractive men.

[24:06] He's kind of a handsome guy.

[24:07] So, let him...

S5

[24:08] Well, yeah, I guess he doesn't want to...

Elliott Kalan

[24:10] And then he's cut, man.

[24:11] Yeah, and he has great abs.

[24:13] He was very attractive, yes.

[24:15] He has abs like the Batman costume.

Dan McCoy

[24:17] Let's discuss the strategy of the bad werewolves, though.

[24:20] Because once the bad werewolves figure out where the boy is, what they do is they're out in the woods.

[24:26] They're out in the woods.

[24:27] They cock their guns for about...

[24:30] 15 minutes?

[24:31] 15 minutes.

[24:31] And rev their motorcycles.

[24:32] And they rev their motorcycles and they put on sunglasses.

[24:35] And then they slowly drive into town.

Elliott Kalan

[24:36] They drive in at about 12 miles an hour into the center of town.

[24:40] Get...

[24:40] Park their motorcycles.

[24:42] This is...

[24:43] They drive in and the only dangerous thing that happens is, I guess, the force of the shock of them driving into town knocks a mug off of a railing.

[24:49] And it crashes.

[24:51] They drive into town, park their motorcycles, then walk around the town square with their guns out.

[24:56] And I guess wait until they see...

[24:58] You know, just waiting for a showdown.

[24:59] Yeah.

[24:59] Oh, and also they have a falcon that tells them what's...

[25:03] They have a falcon that they send ahead as a scout to see things.

[25:06] Never explains what this is, how they're related to it.

[25:09] No.

[25:09] You know, werewolves have falcon powers.

[25:11] Well, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:11] Do werewolves normally have falcon powers, guys?

[25:14] Not that I know of.

[25:15] No.

[25:15] It's really more of a...

S5

[25:16] I think that's very much a...

[25:18] I think that's the only element of the Native American culture that they might have thrown into this.

[25:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:24] Somebody might be like an animal shaman?

Elliott Kalan

[25:27] I guess so.

[25:27] I think, yeah.

[25:28] Okay.

[25:28] That they have...

[25:29] They can talk to the animals, like the Indians or Dr. Doolittle.

Dan McCoy

[25:32] Sure.

[25:33] They should have thrown in, I don't know, a couple of totem poles or something.

[25:35] Or a Native American.

[25:36] Wow.

[25:36] Sure.

[25:37] Or a Native American.

[25:38] There was the one...

[25:39] There's one guy with the...

S5

[25:40] The one guy with the red tail haircut.

Elliott Kalan

[25:42] His head is shaved on the sides.

S5

[25:43] I'm...

[25:44] What's his name, though?

[25:45] I'm still not...

[25:46] I think he...

[25:47] No, it wasn't Cateas.

[25:49] I think he's...

[25:49] Cateas.

[25:50] I think he's Mexican.

Elliott Kalan

[25:51] He looked like...

[25:51] That was the guy who looked like John Larket, right?

[25:54] Yes.

[25:54] He looked like a puffy Native American John Larket.

[25:56] I mean, we've...

S5

[25:57] I think we've seen him in a million movies, but yeah, I think he...

[26:00] I think he changes...

[26:01] Like second side.

[26:02] He has two resumes.

[26:05] One for men and girls and one for chiefs.

[26:08] Yes, exactly.

[26:08] One says running bear, the other says...

[26:11] Yeah, it says Gomez.

Dan McCoy

[26:14] You don't think he has like a character headshot where there's like...

[26:18] There's him in a sailor suit.

[26:20] He's a clown.

Stuart Wellington

[26:22] You know?

[26:22] Like nobody wants me as a clown.

[26:24] They want me as Native American Wiseman.

[26:28] Wiseman.

[26:28] So he's a Jewish Native American.

[26:30] Wiseman.

[26:32] This is a Wiseman.

[26:34] Rabbi Shaman Wiseman.

[26:36] He's like a jeweler.

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] I don't know why that would be...

[26:41] Why a jeweler?

[26:43] It's a common stereotype.

[26:46] He meant money lender.

[26:47] Oh, okay.

[26:48] Yeah.

[26:48] Oh, like a banker.

Dan McCoy

[26:50] Oh, of course.

[26:51] Yeah.

[26:51] Like a Jewish guy.

[26:52] Yeah.

[26:54] Werewolves.

[26:55] Yeah.

[26:56] Okay.

[26:56] Well, here's another question.

[26:58] Poor werewolves.

[26:59] They spend a lot of their time just shooting at each other.

[27:02] Yes.

[27:02] Now, is this common?

[27:03] Is this a common attack?

[27:05] Like for werewolves?

[27:07] Well, let me just clear up one little misconception.

S3

[27:09] This whole thing of like, is this a common werewolf attack?

[27:13] Werewolves, three days out of the month, are werewolves.

[27:16] Yeah.

[27:16] Like a week later, that same guy who was a werewolf, he's a lawyer.

Dan McCoy

[27:21] Yeah.

[27:21] So you're calling me a racist is what you're saying.

S3

[27:25] I wouldn't say it's a racist.

[27:26] I mean, generally werewolves are all based on Hollywood horror movies where they're shooting

[27:31] each other and doing things.

[27:32] And werewolves are doing their jobs and paying their taxes and, you know, keeping their noses

[27:36] clean.

Elliott Kalan

[27:37] Is the term wolfman offensive?

[27:39] I think since generally pretty much all werewolves are kind of in the closet, is that the right

S3

[27:44] way to say that, Bob?

[27:45] What do you think?

[27:46] Sure.

[27:47] I mean...

[27:47] Bob cannot be less engaged.

[27:52] I'm engaged.

[27:53] Sure.

[27:55] I mean, until there's any degree of openness, like, I mean, at this point, if a real werewolf

[28:01] were to come out on TV and say, I'm a werewolf...

[28:03] Oh, we would kill him.

[28:05] Yes.

[28:05] Exactly.

[28:06] He'd be dead.

[28:07] I mean, you would.

[28:08] Exactly.

[28:08] You personally?

Elliott Kalan

[28:09] I mean, my group, the Anti-Werewolf Gang.

[28:11] Oh, boy.

[28:12] Here we go.

[28:13] The AWG, the Anti-Werewolf Gang.

[28:15] The terrible name.

[28:16] You do a lot of karate.

[28:17] Yeah.

[28:18] It's non-stop karate.

[28:21] It's just karate, watching werewolf movies and shaking our fists at them, and occasionally

[28:26] we do, like, we'll paint a school as a charity thing.

S3

[28:30] Well, maybe werewolves can come out then.

[28:33] I didn't think it was going to be...

Elliott Kalan

[28:35] All I have to worry about is karate.

[28:36] Yeah.

[28:36] But you're saying they're afraid to reveal themselves.

[28:39] They need to keep secret, yes.

S5

[28:40] I see.

[28:40] Because if you knew a werewolf was living in your neighborhood, and especially if he got

[28:45] loose in a back somewhere...

[28:45] Oh, I would burn his house down.

[28:46] So they probably wouldn't karate him.

[28:47] Everyone would attack him.

[28:48] They probably wouldn't engage in a gun battle in the middle of town.

[28:53] Well, they would have to if they haven't changed yet.

[28:58] You know, if it's not...

[28:59] And basically, Rich's point is that they are men.

[29:02] They're a lot stronger.

[29:03] They're a lot...

[29:04] They heal a lot quicker.

[29:06] But for the most part, when they're not werewolves, they're just people who...

[29:10] So that's the time to get them.

Dan McCoy

[29:12] That's the time to get them, yes.

S5

[29:13] And that's why they have to keep their condition a secret, because they're just as vulnerable

[29:17] as us.

[29:19] The vast majority of their lives.

[29:20] Yeah.

[29:20] You hit them with a car or something.

Elliott Kalan

[29:23] Silver car.

[29:23] So you're saying...

[29:25] Yeah.

[29:25] A silver car, that's very...

[29:26] That's not classy.

[29:28] You want to get like a...

[29:30] Maybe just a champagne color.

[29:31] That's as far as you're going to go.

S3

[29:33] So the...

[29:33] By the way, we do say in the book, the whole silver bullets thing is a little bit of a

[29:36] hoax.

[29:37] Really?

[29:38] Yeah.

[29:38] I mean, we say if you're a werewolf, you want to stay away from being shot with silver

[29:43] bullets.

[29:44] Not because they're silver, but because they are bullets.

[29:47] Bullets in general are bad.

Stuart Wellington

[29:49] What about like a silver tomahawk that you throw at the...

S3

[29:52] I think a tomahawk of any kind, regardless of what it's made of, if it was silver, that

[29:57] would certainly do the trick.

[29:58] It would probably split us out open and kill him.

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] In the wolfman, like, Larry Talbot dies because he's beaten to death with a silver-headed

[30:04] cane.

S3

[30:04] With a silver cane.

[30:05] That would also do the job, because if you beat someone to death...

[30:08] With a solid cane, that would definitely kill someone.

[30:10] What if it was like a silver knife?

[30:12] A silver knife, I believe, would also do the job.

[30:14] You stab them.

[30:15] I mean, werewolves are going to heal quicker, but I mean, if you stab someone with a knife,

[30:20] they're going to die.

[30:20] Yes.

[30:21] Knives suck.

Dan McCoy

[30:22] So you're saying it's like the rock that, you know, keeps bears away.

Stuart Wellington

[30:26] If you hit someone with a silver rock, yes, it will Jesus you people.

[30:31] Wait, wait.

[30:31] What if you choke him to death with a chain made out of purest silver?

[30:37] Silver coated in wolf's veins.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] Or like, what if they choke to death on like food that has some silver in it?

[30:44] Like there's just a big lump of silver in the mashed potatoes that they don't see.

[30:47] It gets caught in their throat.

[30:49] Perhaps that's how that rumor started.

[30:52] What if it was like they tried to eat the body of Ron Silver?

[30:56] They're eating silver's lager.

S3

[30:56] Actually, to be honest with you, maybe one of the reasons that the silver bullet theory started

[31:01] is that Lycan's verps got sick of being shot.

[31:03] Werewolves got sick of being shot.

[31:04] And so they perpetuated this rumor that it would only take silver to kill them.

[31:09] And therefore people wouldn't try.

S5

[31:10] You can try and kill us, but it'll be really expensive.

Dan McCoy

[31:13] I thought you were going to say that the silver bullet theory got started because of the death

[31:18] of werewolf JFK in Texas.

Elliott Kalan

[31:21] Not to be confused with regular JFK.

[31:23] No.

[31:23] The president.

[31:24] Well, it took a silver magic bullet.

Dan McCoy

[31:26] It was concurrent weeks.

S3

[31:26] It passed through Connolly's leg and then up to werewolf Connolly's leg.

[31:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] And then shot by werewolf Oswald.

[31:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:34] It's really tragic because you can see werewolf Jackie trying to stuff the brains back.

[31:39] Oh, that's sad.

[31:40] You forgot to say werewolf before brains.

[31:43] It was a werewolf brain.

[31:45] Oh, was that the pattern?

[31:46] I didn't realize.

[31:47] Yeah, werewolf brains.

[31:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] So silver is nothing special.

Stuart Wellington

[31:52] Okay, so there's a bunch of gun battles and a car tips over, I remember.

[31:58] Yeah, a truck tips over.

[31:59] And that one chick got like, she drank a bunch of blood or something and turned into a

[32:03] evil werewolf.

[32:04] Yeah, we talked about that a little bit.

[32:05] But what I don't get is, why do they tie up all the good werewolves first and then they're

[32:09] like, hey, let's tie her up last.

[32:10] Oh no, she's a monster.

Elliott Kalan

[32:12] It's a bad movie.

[32:13] Oh, okay.

[32:14] It's more than me.

S5

[32:14] The best part was that they had strapped them in, themselves in.

[32:19] Oh, okay.

[32:19] And they all had one arm free, but they could not get that other arm free.

[32:24] Their guns were just that much far away from them.

[32:27] They could have easily done the, released the buckle that they had just fastened, but no,

[32:35] they didn't bother.

[32:36] What's that arm free floor?

[32:37] They were like right handed and they strapped the right hand back.

[32:38] It's just as hard to strap yourself.

Elliott Kalan

[32:40] Oh, right.

[32:41] That makes sense.

[32:42] Like when you're crucifying yourself, how do you get the last nail in?

[32:45] You can't.

[32:47] Oh, I haven't thought about that.

[32:48] You're right.

[32:49] Yes.

[32:49] The common activity of crucifying yourself.

[32:52] Flophouse audience, try it.

[32:53] You're not going to be able to get that third nail in without help.

Dan McCoy

[32:56] I actually don't know if there's a lot more in terms of plot to dissect here.

[33:00] There's very little.

[33:01] So I want to ask our guests.

[33:03] This movie was pure adrenaline.

Elliott Kalan

[33:04] Not a lot of crazy plotting.

[33:06] Sure.

[33:08] It was a throw ride.

[33:09] There was one thing that, just the fact that the little boy Tim, who is 12 and 364 days

[33:14] old, women seem to find him irresistible.

[33:18] Yeah.

[33:18] There are many scenes where women seem to be flirting with him in a very weird...

[33:23] Creepy way.

Dan McCoy

[33:24] Yeah.

[33:24] There was nothing in the text to suggest this, but it just seemed like the director directed

[33:29] those actresses to flirt with the, you know, just shy of 13-year-old boy.

[33:35] Including his mother, right?

[33:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:36] Yeah, at times, even his mother.

[33:38] It was weird.

[33:39] And I thought maybe he was giving off some sort of werewolf pheromone that attracted women,

[33:43] but I don't think that was it.

Dan McCoy

[33:44] Or maybe the director of the film had some sort of underage incest fetish that he was getting

[33:53] out through the making of the film Skinwalkers.

Elliott Kalan

[33:55] When he took on the role as director of Skinwalkers, he just knew the title.

[33:59] He didn't realize what the movie was about.

[34:01] And so he assumed it was pornographic.

S3

[34:03] Can I ask you guys one other question about the movie in particular?

[34:07] The title Skinwalkers.

[34:08] I can't tell.

[34:10] Are they wolves walking in human skin?

[34:13] Are they...

[34:14] Oh.

[34:14] Like a wolf wear?

[34:15] That's...

[34:15] Yeah.

[34:16] I can't tell.

[34:17] Like, normally, you know, I mean, obviously in the terms of the book, we don't like to

[34:21] support any horror movies, Hollywood horror movies.

[34:24] But still, like, this just seems to prove our point all the more.

[34:27] I don't even know what a skinwalker is supposed to refer to.

[34:29] I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] Skinwalker is a term I've heard before this movie.

[34:32] I think it might actually be some sort of...

[34:34] It's either a made-up Indian term or...

[34:36] It's a term for masturbation.

[34:38] Let your skin do the walking.

[34:40] But it is...

[34:41] I think it is that you're walking around in the skin of something else, you know, that

[34:44] you can change shape.

[34:46] And I think it's generally not just werewolves, but a shape-shifter of some kind.

S3

[34:49] Or walk around in the hair and ridiculous chest piece of something else.

Elliott Kalan

[34:52] Exactly.

[34:53] Yeah.

[34:53] Well, it's just like Harper Lee says in To Kill a Mockingbird.

[34:56] You gotta walk a mile in another man's skin to really understand him.

Dan McCoy

[35:00] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[35:00] So this movie has a message of tolerance towards African Americans, I guess, is what I'm saying.

[35:06] Okay.

[35:06] And also Boo Radley.

[35:08] What?

[35:09] You mean werewolf Boo Radley.

Dan McCoy

[35:12] So before we tie things up, because as I said, I don't think that there's a lot more in

[35:16] terms of plot that we need to talk about.

[35:19] I wanted to ask our guests whether there was anything they wanted to specifically address

[35:24] before we moved on.

S3

[35:26] Well, we've been having a lot of fun, which is great.

[35:29] If there is anyone out there who is actually concerned that they are a werewolf, we recommend

[35:32] them going to werewolfguidetolife.com.

[35:35] Is that correct, Bob?

[35:35] Correct.

[35:37] Or pick up the book on September 15th.

[35:41] And, you know, as we said, Hollywood horror movies, not a good way to gauge your own lycanthropy.

[35:47] We got the answers.

Elliott Kalan

[35:48] Just to be clear, the book will be available other day, like every day after September 15th,

[35:53] not just the one day.

Stuart Wellington

[35:54] Yeah, it's not like there will be theaters on this day and you're like, wait, what the

[35:57] fuck?

[35:57] I can't go see Paul Blair Monk out after that Friday?

Elliott Kalan

[36:00] It's not like Glenn Beck's Common Sense Tour, which only aired once in theaters.

[36:05] We expect it to sell out that day.

[36:08] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] There are many more werewolves in this country than you know about.

[36:12] And every day after that, it will be available remaindered.

[36:16] Oh, come on.

[36:16] There are guests.

S3

[36:19] All eight copies that were printed of this book will be available.

[36:22] No, this book will be available everywhere.

[36:24] It is.

[36:24] The thing that's funny is, you know, they say, tell everybody it's available September 15th.

[36:29] I can't think of a real.

[36:30] Have you ever bought a book the day it came out, Bob?

[36:32] I think so, yes.

[36:33] I have, but not a book.

Dan McCoy

[36:35] Well, I've certainly ordered them so that they're delivered.

S3

[36:38] They come out on Amazon.

[36:39] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[36:40] I'll put a link on the website.

[36:42] Although if you feel like you may have been bitten by a werewolf, you would want this information

S3

[36:46] as soon as it comes out.

S5

[36:46] I'm betting everyone understood what you meant when you said go buy it on September 15th.

Elliott Kalan

[36:51] I just want to make sure.

[36:53] Werewolves are very literal.

[36:55] Wow, now you're telling them.

[36:57] Dan, you should put one of those links on where you get some pennies every time someone

[37:01] uses it.

[37:01] Okay.

[37:02] I'll see whether I can work out a deal.

[37:04] Like Bang Bros.

[37:04] Get some cha-ching change out of this.

Dan McCoy

[37:06] But also to link up so that people can, they don't even need to wait.

[37:09] If they hear this before that date, they can order right away.

[37:15] They can spend their money right away, more importantly.

[37:17] Oh, wow.

[37:17] That's correct.

[37:18] They can vote with their dollars.

S3

[37:19] Yeah, if they want to screw their waitress, right?

[37:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:22] That's the tip that they give me?

[37:23] Fuck the service industry.

[37:24] Am I right, guys?

[37:26] Apparently I'm not.

S5

[37:26] Are we talking about screwing waitresses now?

[37:30] We're tying it all up, right?

[37:32] We started out by announcing.

Elliott Kalan

[37:35] Okay.

[37:35] That's cool.

[37:36] That's what stand-up comedians used to say when they were done with their set.

[37:38] They'd say, you've been a great audience.

[37:39] Have sex with your waitstaff.

[37:40] Good night.

[37:41] Don't forget to fuck your waitress.

Dan McCoy

[37:44] Waitresses did not like that.

[37:45] No, they hated it.

[37:46] That's why they stopped doing that.

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] Led to a lot of presumptuousness.

[37:50] Yeah.

[37:51] And ill manners.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] Hey, buddy.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] You're being pretty presumptuous.

[37:55] Get out of my establishment.

Dan McCoy

[37:57] Well, now is the point where we make our final judgments about the movie that we watched.

[38:03] Final judgments.

[38:05] To reset this for our audience, we have three categories.

[38:09] Although, often we just forget them and make something up.

[38:13] But the three official categories are, is this a good-bad movie?

[38:19] A movie that is enjoyable in its badness?

[38:23] A bad-bad movie?

[38:24] A movie that we found no enjoyment in?

[38:28] Or a movie that we actually kind of liked?

[38:31] A movie that maybe didn't deserve this treatment?

[38:34] We give our individual opinions.

[38:37] I'm going to start with Elliot, because he looks like he's raring to go.

Elliott Kalan

[38:40] Oh, I'm always raring to go.

[38:41] You know me, when it comes to talking.

[38:43] I actually might surprise everybody by saying I thought this was a good-bad movie.

[38:46] I really enjoyed watching it and making fun of it.

[38:49] It was very fast and stupid.

[38:51] And it is by no means a good movie, but we've seen so many lately that were painful to watch.

[38:57] You know, everything was dumb in a very silly and stupid way.

[39:00] So, it was fun.

[39:01] I say it's a good-bad movie.

[39:04] Catch it today.

[39:05] But don't.

[39:05] I mean, like, take your time.

Dan McCoy

[39:07] Stuart, I know you only saw the second half of it, but what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[39:09] Wait, that was the whole half?

[39:11] I only saw like 20 minutes.

Dan McCoy

[39:12] You saw the last fourth of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[39:14] Okay.

[39:16] Yeah, what I saw wasn't too hot.

[39:20] I would give it a C+, following your standards, Dan.

[39:23] C+, is a very good grade for this movie.

[39:26] Again, that was not one of the categories.

[39:28] So, it was a C+.

[39:29] It was fast.

[39:31] It reminded me of The Matrix.

[39:33] And that reminded me of when I was in college.

[39:37] And Elias Kodias.

[39:38] Where you drank a lot and had a lot of sex, so you enjoyed.

[39:41] And Elias Kodias was pretty good.

[39:43] Not as good as Ninja Turtles, of course.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] Of course.

[39:46] Well, Casey Jones is his defining role.

[39:48] Yeah.

[39:48] Okay, I'm done.

[39:49] That's it.

[39:51] I forgot what system we were using to grade it.

[39:53] I give it a thumb to the side.

[39:55] No, again.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] But I agree with Elliot.

[40:01] I actually, I think it's a good bad movie because it was 90 minutes.

[40:04] It was actually less than 90 minutes, I think, once you subtract the credits.

[40:08] I thought that there were a lot of hilarious scenes of people cocking their guns over and over again.

[40:14] Like, they cocked their guns in the woods.

[40:16] Then they came into town and they re-cocked their guns before they did anything.

[40:19] Before they shot them.

[40:21] And there's a lot of slow motion of people driving around on motorcycles about to cock guns.

[40:27] Yeah, I enjoyed it on that level.

S3

[40:30] Which, what do you have to say?

[40:31] I honestly was going to say I didn't enjoy it at all until you reminded me of all the gun cocking.

[40:37] The gun cocking I kind of got a kick out of.

[40:39] You can go your own way.

[40:41] Well, just like the song.

[40:42] I enjoyed watching the movie with you guys.

[40:44] I thought it was fun.

[40:45] In terms of real werewolf stuff, it's obviously ridiculous.

[40:49] But it's ridiculous whether you believe in werewolves or you don't believe in werewolves.

[40:52] But I had a good time watching it with you guys.

[40:54] I would say it's a good bad movie.

S5

[40:55] I'll go with two out of five bow ties.

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] I'm not really sure what that means.

[41:02] I'm Tuxedo Jack and this has been Tuxedo Jack's Film Review.

S5

[41:06] I have trouble saying it's a good bad movie because I fear that recommends it too much.

[41:11] But if I were to stumble on – for the shootout in the town scene alone, it's an enjoyable bad movie.

[41:21] I was laughing my ass off during that.

[41:23] So if it was late at night, I would definitely keep watching this.

[41:29] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[41:30] I think we forgot to mention that during the shootout is between an old lady and these bad werewolves.

[41:36] Yes.

[41:37] A grandmother.

[41:38] Which adds to the funnyness of it.

[41:39] Yeah, that might be the one genuinely witty scene in the movie.

S5

[41:44] Yeah.

[41:44] The witty sequence in the movie.

[41:46] After that, it kind of got –

Elliott Kalan

[41:48] Before and after that, it's pretty bad.

[41:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:51] So now is the part where we give our recommendations for movies that we actually enjoyed.

[41:57] Recommendations.

[41:57] And I think we're going to have to tear through these since there's five of us and we're thus running exponentially longer.

Elliott Kalan

[42:06] I can't give my regular 20-minute recommendation speech?

[42:09] No, you can't.

[42:09] All right.

Dan McCoy

[42:10] What have we seen lately or not so lately that we enjoyed that we want to recommend?

[42:16] Well, I was telling Elliot before the recording that the movie that I saw recently that I enjoyed the most was Adventureland.

[42:25] But the movie I'm going to recommend because it's a horror movie and we watched a werewolf movie tonight is REC, bracket, R-E-C, close bracket.

[42:36] Oh, yeah.

[42:37] The Spanish horror movie that was remade as Quarantine in the States.

[42:43] And it's one of a growing number of verite horror movies where it's supposedly shot by someone in the movie.

[42:53] In this case, a local news cameraman is shooting this woman as she goes on a night out with the fire department in the town.

[43:03] And she gets quarantined inside a building where there's a zombie outbreak.

[43:07] And the problem with a lot of these verite horror movies is, like, why do they keep shooting after a certain point?

[43:14] But here it kind of makes sense in that they're news people and they want to show what's going on and they want to document how shabbily they're being treated.

[43:22] And it's very good at the beginning of the movie.

[43:26] It moves a little slow in the middle, but then it has a genuinely creepy ending.

[43:30] So I recommend that.

S3

[43:31] That sounds awesome, Dan.

[43:33] You know, it's not often that you hear a horror movie where the characters are treated shabbily.

[43:40] Well, that's what really bothers me is the shabby treatment.

Elliott Kalan

[43:44] It's not so much the zombies.

[43:45] These are your characters, sir.

[43:48] Show them respect.

[43:49] It's the low thread count on their linens.

Stuart Wellington

[43:51] It was pretty good, but I thought Jason was pretty chintzy with his characters there.

[43:58] Yeah, okay, the movie I'm going to watch, the movie I'm going to recommend is a movie I saw quite a while ago.

[44:05] Guys, I'm talking.

[44:07] Okay.

[44:07] When Stuart Wellington talks, nobody knows America.

[44:10] Shut up.

[44:10] Shut up, guys.

[44:11] Shut up.

Dan McCoy

[44:11] You're treating him so shabbily.

Stuart Wellington

[44:13] Shut up.

[44:14] Okay.

[44:15] The movie I'm going to recommend is a Japanese movie that I probably already recommended, but I don't really care.

[44:20] It's a movie called Fireworks.

[44:22] It's starring and directed by Takeshi Kitano.

[44:26] It's really cool, and you should watch it.

[44:30] And it's sad, and Takeshi Kitano's awesome in it.

[44:33] I like that movie.

[44:33] I mean, Takeshi Kitano, the star of Johnny Mnemonic?

[44:36] And Takeshi's Castle, the Japanese game show.

Elliott Kalan

[44:39] Yes.

[44:40] He has the best career of anyone in the world.

[44:43] A stand-up comedian who became a novelist and film director who stars in violent gangster and police dramas.

[44:49] And also hosts a game show.

[44:50] Like character dramas, for sure.

[44:52] And character dramas, yeah.

[44:54] I'll beat Takeshi.

Stuart Wellington

[44:55] So, Fireworks, watch that piece.

[44:57] I'm going to recommend a movie still in the theaters, maybe, by the time this podcast airs.

Elliott Kalan

[45:01] What's that all about?

[45:02] Elliot, you saw a movie made in the last ten years?

[45:04] I did.

[45:05] This is Quentin Tarantino's big hit, Inglourious Bastards, which I saw last week and which I thought was fantastic.

[45:11] Do not be swayed by the commercials, which are not very good.

[45:15] It is a, at times, brilliant and always tense movie.

[45:21] And he does it, he accomplishes what he sets out to do very exactly.

[45:25] And also extremely goofy.

[45:27] Well, it veers wildly between genuinely tense and extremely silly and off the wall.

[45:34] But he does it just right.

[45:36] It's the Gremlins, too, of World War II movies, is what I'm saying.

[45:39] Put it on the poster.

S5

[45:41] Guys, do you have a recommendation, either individually or as a unit?

[45:47] You didn't recommend Adventureland, because it's not a horror movie.

[45:50] But I just saw it over the weekend, and I loved it.

[45:53] It has Kristen Stewart in it, who is in the upcoming New Moon.

[45:57] So, that's a connection.

[45:59] And she's kind of adorable in it.

Stuart Wellington

[46:02] She's getting married, according to People magazine.

[46:05] What?

[46:06] Who's she married?

[46:06] It's not like my heart just broke.

[46:07] The vampire.

[46:08] Yeah.

[46:08] The vampire podcast.

[46:10] They're really going to marry?

[46:13] That's what People magazine told me.

Dan McCoy

[46:15] Bob and I need to find someone else to stalk.

[46:17] Seriously.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] Carl Gugino is taken.

[46:20] Okay.

[46:20] Do not muscle into my territory.

Dan McCoy

[46:23] Let's all stake out who we're going to stalk after the podcast, guys.

[46:25] Okay.

[46:26] That's a good movie, man.

[46:27] Let's go.

S5

[46:28] One question, though.

[46:30] And I'm not going to take too long.

[46:31] Did you find that these college kids, these post-college kids, seemed far younger than most high school kids are portrayed in movies?

Dan McCoy

[46:41] That was the one thing.

[46:43] I kept thinking, wait, oh, yeah, they're college kids.

[46:46] They just graduated from college.

S5

[46:47] They seemed way younger than...

[46:49] I mean, that's kind of...

Dan McCoy

[46:49] And I realized that's because I'm growing older.

[46:51] It's not...

[46:52] I don't know about that.

[46:53] I think it's more of a...

S5

[46:54] It more recommends the movie.

[46:56] Yeah.

[46:57] I think it's because people are usually...

Elliott Kalan

[46:59] College kids are usually played by 30-year-olds.

[47:01] Exactly.

[47:02] In high school...

S5

[47:02] As are high school kids.

[47:03] Yeah.

[47:03] And they're also way more witty and self-assured in these movies.

Elliott Kalan

[47:07] Why was 30 when I got out of high school?

[47:10] That was because you spent a lot of time in juvenile detention.

[47:12] Because you were dating a high school girl.

[47:16] I went undercover as a high schooler, so I could date a high school girl.

Stuart Wellington

[47:20] Just to make sure she wasn't screwing around on me.

Elliott Kalan

[47:24] I wore a mustache so she wouldn't know it was me.

S3

[47:26] All right.

[47:27] Rich, do you have something that you want to ask?

[47:29] I have a three-month-old daughter at home, so I was very excited.

[47:32] That's what you recommend?

[47:34] Well, you know.

[47:35] Some movies are everything.

[47:37] It's okay.

[47:38] I'm just saying I would have gone to see Halloween II in the theater guaranteed had I not had a child.

[47:45] And I would very much recommend from what I've seen and read about how horrible Halloween II, the Rob Zombie version, is.

[47:52] Apparently, I saved an hour and a half of my life by not going to that.

[47:57] So can I recommend not going to see a movie?

[48:00] Sure.

[48:00] Because you have a child?

[48:01] I hope there's farting robots in it.

Elliott Kalan

[48:02] I can guarantee you there are no farting robots in it.

[48:06] I don't want to see it.

[48:06] You want to see Transformers 2?

[48:07] I would see Halloween II without farting robots in it, Rich.

[48:10] Even if I had a child.

S3

[48:11] I would definitely watch Halloween II on the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[48:15] All right.

[48:15] I would take my child to see the farting robots in Halloween, and I would say, never forget that I did this for you.

[48:22] So, guys, have a good time tonight.

[48:25] Cue the Saturday Night Live music so we can all hug each other.

[48:28] Oh, we're fucking done?

[48:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[48:30] Time just flew by, right?

S3

[48:31] Yeah, I know.

[48:32] I thought we were going to read the whole book out loud.

Stuart Wellington

[48:35] What?

[48:36] The only book?

[48:37] The Bible?

[48:38] Yeah.

[48:40] We're going to do that?

[48:41] No.

[48:41] I've been asking.

[48:42] I have it memorized, so reading it is sort of silly.

Dan McCoy

[48:45] We'll read it to each other after we talk about who we're going to stalk.

[48:49] But you can purchase the werewolf book, and I'll put a link up again.

[48:54] The title of which is?

[48:56] Let me look at the book that's in front of me.

[48:58] The Werewolf's Guide to Life by Rich Knuckin and Bob Powers.

[49:03] And it has a subtitle, A Manual for the Newly Bitten.

[49:06] And would this be a good gift?

[49:07] Yeah.

[49:08] Perhaps a Halloween gift?

[49:09] I think so, yes.

[49:10] A howl?

[49:11] Halloween gift?

Elliott Kalan

[49:13] Stuart Wellington, you've done it again.

[49:16] You're like the Don Draper of this show.

Dan McCoy

[49:19] On that punning plug, we'll sign off.

[49:23] I've been Dan McCoy.

[49:25] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[49:26] I continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[49:28] I'm Rich Duncan.

S5

[49:29] And I'm Bob Powers.

[49:30] Good night, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[49:37] Aim for the head.

[49:38] Aim for the head.

[49:38] You'll probably shoot a flamethrower at a bear at any point.

Stuart Wellington

[49:41] I fucking wish.

[49:42] Or a rocket launcher at a cow.

[49:44] And it was like, it's like two hours of safety training and then two hours of...

[49:47] Flamethrower and a bear.

[49:48] That just sounds cruel to me.

Dan McCoy

[49:50] That's kind of...

[49:51] I think what's happening is I think you would be mauled by a game of 27 rounds at a target.

[49:56] Yeah.

[49:56] I think that's all the best.

S3

[49:57] If one thing would make a bear attack worse and more terrifying...

[50:00] Is it if it was on fire?

[50:01] Yeah.

[50:02] Set him on fire.

[50:03] Anger.

Elliott Kalan

[50:04] There's a legend of a fire bear.

[50:07] Ha ha ha ha!

The Flop House: Episode #45 - Skinwalkers

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