The Flop House: Episode #46 - Obsessed

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Obsessed, the movie that tries to destroy Obama's post-racial America.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] I'm Elliot Kalin, don't you know.

Dan McCoy

[0:40] So guys, I don't know about you guys, but I had a really exciting weekend last weekend.

[0:44] Oh, what happened?

[0:45] I went upstate to a sculpture garden.

[0:49] Oh, that sounds cool.

[0:49] And I bought some new shoes in an outlet mall.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] Oh, you got a good deal on those?

Dan McCoy

[0:54] Yeah, just really exciting. Stuart, I bet you did something exciting.

Stuart Wellington

[0:57] I had a lot of sex.

[0:59] That's always fun, yeah.

[1:00] Yeah, it was really good.

[1:01] I was spent totally.

[1:04] Wow.

[1:04] Yeah, it was crazy.

[1:05] I had to stop and drink some Gatorade in the middle.

[1:08] That's memorable.

[1:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09] But Elliot, don't worry about it.

[1:10] I think the thing is going to work out for you at some point.

[1:13] Yeah, I didn't have such a great weekend.

[1:14] Just out of curiosity, what did you do last weekend?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] Not a lot.

[1:20] Danielle and I were out of town, just kind of visiting friends.

[1:24] I won the 2009 Emmy for Best Writing for a Comedy, Musical, or Variety Program.

[1:30] And then I finished Alan Moore's Voice of the Fire.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] I think we're going to take you back.

[1:35] That was pretty good.

[1:36] To before the Alan Moore thing.

[1:38] Just like step back a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40] Oh, you've read Voice of the Fire already?

Dan McCoy

[1:41] No, no.

[1:41] We'll talk about that later.

[1:43] But the thing before that, what were you saying?

Elliott Kalan

[1:45] Well, we were out of town.

[1:46] We were visiting some friends.

[1:47] No, but later than that.

[1:49] People we knew from college, Danielle's sister and her boyfriend.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53] Who's Danielle again?

[1:54] My fiance.

[1:55] Oh, okay.

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:56] That makes a lot more sense.

[1:57] Because I thought you were just mispronouncing Dan's name.

[1:59] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00] Dan had quite a weekend.

[2:03] Yeah.

[2:03] He got the shoes.

[2:04] But no, I think there was something.

[2:05] Went upstate.

[2:07] In between.

[2:08] It's pretty good.

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:09] That you did.

[2:10] I don't think.

[2:12] We were out of town, visited some friends, won an Emmy.

[2:16] Okay.

[2:17] Finished the Alan Moore book.

Dan McCoy

[2:17] Now, that's where I'm going to stop you.

[2:18] Came back into town.

[2:19] Because I think, it seems to me that winning an Emmy.

[2:23] Wait, what's an Emmy?

[2:24] Wait.

[2:25] We can say.

[2:25] An Emmy.

[2:26] It's not.

[2:26] An Emmy?

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] No, an Emmy.

[2:28] It's an award.

[2:28] It's the highest award in television.

[2:30] It doesn't really mean anything.

[2:32] Higher than a daytime Emmy?

[2:34] Well, the same award.

[2:36] Higher than a creative arts Emmy?

[2:37] Different levels of programming.

[2:38] Again, same award for different types of programming.

[2:40] Okay.

[2:41] Mine happened to be a primetime Emmy, which means, like, you know, we went on.

[2:45] Dewey Houser was the host, and we went on stage, and I was on television.

[2:48] And there's a picture of me and Hollywood Reporter with my boss, and, you know, talked to the

[2:52] press a little bit.

[2:53] You know, these things happen.

[2:54] It's work, you know.

[2:56] Another day, another dollar.

Dan McCoy

[2:57] Well, I guess I'm just going to throw out those shoes, then.

[3:00] Yeah.

[3:01] Wait.

[3:01] The shoes that I bought.

[3:02] No, those are good shoes.

[3:03] I want to hear about this story.

[3:04] No.

[3:04] So, what kind of, you said they were patent leather.

Elliott Kalan

[3:07] What color are they, those shoes?

Dan McCoy

[3:09] So, Elliot, I noticed insoles.

[3:11] I noticed that you're wearing your Emmy around your neck.

[3:14] Yeah, it's a little heavy.

[3:15] And Flava Flav style.

[3:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] Well, I...

[3:18] Is that the world she's holding up?

[3:20] Well, I think it represents an atom with electrons going around, because television is the harnessing

[3:25] of the electron to see images.

[3:28] I mean, it was designed in the late 40s.

[3:30] So, you know, it has those kinds of...

[3:31] So, she's not like a weird, like, Atlas figure.

[3:34] No, no, she's kind of like an angel with lightning bolt wings giving...

[3:38] And those are sharp, watch out.

[3:40] Holding the atom out in the electron.

[3:42] It's a beautiful piece of work.

[3:44] Anyway, so these shoes.

[3:46] Yeah.

[3:46] That sounds amazing.

Dan McCoy

[3:49] Probably wear them to your wedding.

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] Yeah, next year.

[3:53] I mean, it's been kind of a humdrum summer for me.

[3:56] I got engaged.

[3:57] Then, a couple months later, I won an Emmy.

[3:59] Stuart, you said you were doing it a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[4:01] Yeah, I had a lot of sex.

[4:02] I shot an assault rifle.

[4:03] Got a tattoo.

[4:05] Pretty good, pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[4:06] Yeah.

[4:07] These shoes are just going lower and lower.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] No, I mean, are they the ones you're wearing now?

[4:11] Those look nice.

Dan McCoy

[4:12] Yeah, I'm just going to throw these out.

[4:14] But anyway, we watched a movie tonight, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[4:18] Oh, yeah, right?

[4:19] Oh, my God, I forgot.

Dan McCoy

[4:21] It's not all Emmys and fucking.

[4:23] No, it isn't.

[4:24] Sometimes it's business.

[4:25] Yeah, yeah.

[4:26] And tonight, the business was we watched Obsessed.

[4:28] Or, as I assume it was called in the script stage,

[4:32] White Girl Gonna Steal Your Man.

Elliott Kalan

[4:35] This would have been, if it was that kind of movie with that kind of title,

[4:38] it would be a far better movie.

[4:40] Well, I mean, like that's...

[4:40] I think it was titled Untitled Idris Elba Project.

Dan McCoy

[4:44] Like, it seems like that's all there is to it, though.

[4:46] Like, because the movie is so boilerplate, thriller, fail attraction, knockoff,

[4:53] the only thing about it is, like, the race baiting.

[4:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:57] Wait, what?

[4:57] It's a black man and a black woman who are married,

[5:00] and a white woman tries to steal the black man.

[5:03] Okay.

[5:04] So that's pretty much the whole plot, right?

[5:06] Yes, I've just told you the entire plot of the film.

[5:09] And then she, like, there's a cat fight at the end.

[5:12] And there's a fight, and at the end...

[5:14] The crazy white girl dies.

[5:15] Yeah, and she is no match, physically.

[5:17] Yeah.

[5:18] For the wife.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] Beyonce.

[5:20] Who's played by...

[5:21] Let's just say it.

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] ...recording superstar Beyonce Knowles.

[5:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:24] Mm-hmm.

[5:24] This is a woman...

[5:25] Famous singer, Beyonce.

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] She's had a very quick arc in movies,

[5:29] from Pink Panther to the Academy Award-nominated Dreamgirls,

[5:33] to Obsessed.

[5:35] Like, it takes some actors years to have an arc like that.

Stuart Wellington

[5:39] Yeah, you mean, wait, an arc that keeps going up?

[5:42] Ah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] It's not really an arc anymore, right?

[5:45] She's basically had the career of Peter O'Toole,

[5:47] the entire career, condensed into, I guess, two years, three years?

[5:52] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[5:52] I mean, I will expand upon the story of this just a little more,

[5:55] and I really mean just a little more,

[5:58] because it's basically what you would imagine.

[6:00] Idris Elba and Beyonce have what appears to be...

[6:03] You may know Idris Elba better as Stringer Bell.

Stuart Wellington

[6:05] From The Wire.

[6:06] Oh, yeah.

[6:07] Oh, I thought it was...

[6:08] And he couldn't look happier to be in this movie.

[6:10] I thought it was the character he played in the hit film Prom Night.

[6:13] Mm-hmm.

[6:14] Where he also played Stringer Bell, right?

[6:16] Different parts.

[6:17] No, he wasn't a detective in that?

[6:19] Wait, Stringer Bell's not a policeman on The Wire?

[6:21] Him and Ziggy.

[6:21] Oh, man, I think you misunderstood The Wire.

[6:23] I need to watch that again.

Dan McCoy

[6:25] No, but Idris Elba and Beyonce have the perfect life.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] Yep, they've just bought a new house.

[6:31] Mm-hmm.

[6:31] He's got a high-powered job as an executive at a company that does something that is never quite explained.

[6:36] They share a small child.

[6:38] Yeah.

[6:38] They share a small...

[6:39] Yeah, it sounds like they ordered a large popcorn.

[6:44] That's what they're doing with their child.

Dan McCoy

[6:46] That's a lot of child to go around.

[6:47] That's what child raising is, Elliot.

[6:49] That basically...

Elliott Kalan

[6:50] They have the perfect life.

[6:52] Yeah, and then...

[6:53] Set to modern R&B tunes at times, and other times, pop standards.

Dan McCoy

[6:57] Yeah, until Ally Larder shows up as a temp.

Stuart Wellington

[7:01] Uh-oh.

[7:01] She shows up like five minutes into the movie, though.

[7:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:05] Well, but there was so much of them running through their new house and having sex in the attic.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] They had sex in this movie?

[7:14] It's implied.

[7:15] They didn't really...

[7:16] Oh, okay.

[7:16] They didn't show it.

[7:17] Man.

[7:17] But, yeah, Ally Larder shows up, and she has the hots for Idris, whose name in this is, what, David Gregory?

[7:25] No, that's the NBC News guy.

[7:27] Dexter Stevens.

[7:28] Andre Gregory.

[7:29] Andre...

[7:30] Andre Crevin.

[7:32] Derek Charles.

[7:33] Two first names.

[7:34] Two first names, yeah.

[7:35] Don't trust that fucking dude.

[7:35] No.

[7:36] He plays Derek Charles.

[7:37] She is the temp, and she is quite a temptation to him.

[7:41] Oh.

[7:42] Except that she isn't.

[7:43] Yes, totally not.

[7:44] She's kind of vaguely attracted to her at first in a hypothetical way, and that disappears.

Dan McCoy

[7:49] Yeah, and that they, like, share a little instant message chat at one point.

Elliott Kalan

[7:52] Yeah, it's more like they're friendly.

[7:54] Uh-huh.

[7:54] Yeah.

[7:54] And she being crazy mistakes that for love, and she goes crazy and thinks they're having

[7:59] an affair, but they're not, and she goes to greater and greater heights to steal him

[8:03] away from Beyonce, his true lady love.

Dan McCoy

[8:05] Once she is rebuffed at one point, she tries to commit suicide.

[8:09] She is rebuffed.

[8:10] Suicide.

[8:10] Star of Transformers.

[8:11] And then when she tries to commit suicide, Beyonce becomes aware of the non-affair that's

[8:18] been going on.

Elliott Kalan

[8:18] Idris Elba is afraid of telling Beyonce that this girl is coming on to him.

[8:22] Because she's insanely jealous.

[8:24] Because she's insanely jealous, and because, as his friend Jerry O'Connell, who's a co-worker,

[8:29] tells him, she's going to assume the worst, so don't tell her.

[8:32] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[8:33] You know, just like a lady.

Dan McCoy

[8:35] And so there's a big explosion.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] No.

[8:37] Not a little explosion.

Dan McCoy

[8:38] No, that would have made it a much more exciting film.

[8:40] Wait, an explosion?

[8:41] No.

[8:42] Explosion of emotions.

[8:43] Oh.

[8:43] An outburst.

Elliott Kalan

[8:44] Let's just say a controlled detonation of emotions.

Dan McCoy

[8:48] Yeah.

[8:48] The emotions gently tumble to the floor.

Elliott Kalan

[8:51] Allie Larder attempts suicide.

[8:55] Beyonce finds out, finally.

[8:57] She and Idris Elba.

Dan McCoy

[8:58] By the way, for the listener at home, that rumbling you heard was not an earthquake that

[9:02] occurred during the podcast.

[9:03] It was Stuart pushing his chair back to go get a drink of water.

[9:07] I just wanted to clarify that.

Elliott Kalan

[9:08] That's how horrible this movie was, is that Stuart is not drinking beer right now, but

[9:13] instead of water, in an attempt to sober himself up enough, to remember never to do this again.

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] What?

[9:20] Do another podcast?

[9:21] Yeah, I've got to steal up my courage, because I'm going to tell you guys later.

[9:24] We have to have a talk.

[9:25] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] But anyway, and this is when a police detective, played by, who is it?

[9:30] Christine Lottie.

[9:31] She comes in to investigate the suicide, and decides to investigate Idris Elba's supposed

[9:38] affair, even though no crime has been committed.

Dan McCoy

[9:40] Yeah, that's the thing.

[9:41] Apparently, like, when someone tries to commit suicide, and they don't deny that they were

[9:46] the one, that they were trying to commit suicide, that detective will just then hang out,

[9:51] and just sort of poke into people's personal lives.

[9:54] Get to the bottom of it.

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] Eventually, it becomes clear Allie Larder's crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[9:58] I think she was there unofficially, to be honest.

[10:00] I think it was more just like...

[10:01] Just a hobby?

[10:02] Yeah, her hobby is checking in on suicides.

Dan McCoy

[10:05] Yeah, well, she's moonlit, she's writing a book on the side.

[10:08] Yeah.

[10:09] You know, called How to Irritate People.

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] Like a paperback urban romance.

[10:14] Yes.

[10:14] The whole movie ends with Allie Larder and Beyonce having an enormous catfight through the house

[10:21] that ends with Allie Larder falling to her death and being crushed by a chandelier.

[10:26] The end.

[10:27] The end.

[10:27] Everyone's happy.

[10:28] And it ends literally moments after that happens.

[10:32] Freeze frame.

[10:32] Cut to Beyonce song.

Dan McCoy

[10:34] Freeze frame on Beyonce's face and half of Idris Elba's face.

Elliott Kalan

[10:38] As they hug moments after she stumbles out of the house with her own blood or on her face.

Stuart Wellington

[10:43] And it's a wrap.

Elliott Kalan

[10:45] Great work, people.

[10:46] Rap party.

[10:47] We did it.

[10:48] And this is a terribly boring film.

Stuart Wellington

[10:51] Yeah.

[10:51] There probably were some really sexy seduction scenes, right?

[10:55] Not really.

[10:56] Because most of the seduction scenes were just Allie Larder looking weird and Idris Elba shouting at her.

[11:02] Yes.

[11:03] Well, there was a seduction scene in the car.

[11:04] It was for people who had a skeleton and loud noises fetish.

Elliott Kalan

[11:08] Mm-hmm.

[11:09] There was a seduction.

[11:09] Yeah.

[11:10] She appears.

[11:11] She gets into his car and is wearing a trench coat with lingerie under it.

[11:14] Yeah.

[11:15] It's the kind of lingerie that, like...

Dan McCoy

[11:16] She aggressively pops her trench coat open.

[11:18] Like, not, like, sexually, like, reveals.

[11:20] She's just, like...

[11:20] It's like an explosion of just, like, her, like, throwing her arms out and thrusting her pelvis forward.

[11:26] And because...

Elliott Kalan

[11:26] And she is not the curviest woman.

[11:29] And the lingerie they have her in is the most conservative lingerie I've ever...

[11:34] Like, it's the kind of lingerie...

Stuart Wellington

[11:35] It's TV trailer quality lingerie.

[11:37] Yes.

[11:37] Where they're like, we want to show some seduction in this trailer.

[11:40] Mm-hmm.

[11:41] Better put on the granny panties.

Elliott Kalan

[11:42] It's the kind of lingerie where, like, if you were at the Silver Dollar Saloon at Disney World

[11:46] and there's a joke that involves a woman's dress being pulled off, that this is the underwear

[11:51] she would be wearing underneath it.

[11:52] Something that's family friendly.

Dan McCoy

[11:54] You know, I don't even think that the panties matched the bra.

[11:57] That was the other thing.

[11:58] I'm not sure.

[11:58] They looked like they came from two different sets.

[12:01] Like, costume coordinator was like, hey, here, you know, I have this from this.

[12:05] I mean, the fact that the panties...

Stuart Wellington

[12:06] I spent a lot of time looking at panties and brassieres.

[12:10] On women.

[12:11] Yeah.

[12:12] Of course.

[12:12] I mean, what, like a homemade girl that I made out of trash bags and hair clippings?

[12:19] No, well, he's saying as opposed to...

[12:20] No, of course.

[12:21] It's not a real girl.

Dan McCoy

[12:21] I think he's saying as opposed to just shopping for lingerie.

[12:26] Yeah, just looking through catalogs.

Stuart Wellington

[12:27] Yeah, well, I mean, shopping is kind of a strong word for it.

[12:30] I mainly just walk around and smell them in the department store.

[12:34] But they didn't look like they were actually, like, a set.

[12:39] No.

[12:39] It looked like she got them out of the mix and match barrels.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] And marshals.

[12:43] Oh, okay.

[12:45] Yeah.

[12:45] She went down to Ann Taylor and she just was like, oh, these panties are on sale and this bra is on sale.

[12:50] I'll go seduce Idris Elba.

Stuart Wellington

[12:52] Maybe waiting in line at Century 21 to get a hot deal.

[12:57] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] And later she wears the weirdest clothes.

[13:00] She wears a dress that, like, it's a tight red dress except for the back where it's got two really loose straps.

[13:06] So it looks like she's wearing, like, fireman's pants without a shirt on underneath.

[13:09] It's very weird.

[13:11] Well, like overalls?

[13:12] Like overalls.

[13:13] Or like hip waders?

[13:14] There's something attractive about a woman wearing overalls with nothing underneath.

[13:17] There was nothing attractive about this dress.

[13:20] Okay.

[13:20] It's that hillbilly charm.

Stuart Wellington

[13:22] Yeah, exactly.

[13:22] I get the feeling that you're not attracted to Allie Larder.

Elliott Kalan

[13:27] She is very bony.

[13:29] Sure.

[13:29] And also made of bones.

Dan McCoy

[13:32] Yeah, you know, I feel like I find her the most attractive of the three of us.

[13:37] But even I feel like she's miscast in the role of a seductress because she just looks strained and pointy.

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] I think you said she should be playing the assistant to, like a senator's assistant.

[13:48] Yeah.

[13:49] Something like that.

Dan McCoy

[13:49] Like in a role where she was required to be sort of uptight, she could be sexy because you'd be like, oh, she's going to let her hair down.

[13:56] But here her hair's down from the beginning.

Stuart Wellington

[13:58] Or like an ice witch who has to battle the Care Bears.

[14:01] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[14:01] That's another good role.

[14:03] See, she'd be sexy in that role.

[14:05] But it's also like his – Beyonce is, you know, one of the – is a very curvy, sexy woman.

[14:11] She's boobie-licious.

[14:11] She is.

[14:12] They had to invent a stupid word to describe how attractive she was.

[14:16] Yeah.

[14:16] So it's – and Idris Elba has – obviously has a type if he's married to Beyonce that Allie Larder doesn't –

Stuart Wellington

[14:22] And there's literally – like Allie Larder literally has no chance.

[14:26] No, yeah.

[14:27] There's no moment in this movie where Idris Elba's character is like, well, you know, maybe.

[14:32] So –

[14:33] He's dead set against it the entire time.

[14:34] Yeah.

[14:35] So it's just kind of irritating.

Dan McCoy

[14:35] Yeah, I mean the closest he gets to it is he allows her to get him drunk at the Christmas party,

[14:41] which leads to them sort of dancing a little sexy together.

[14:45] And that's the –

[14:46] Provocatively.

[14:46] That's the –

[14:47] Provocatively.

Dan McCoy

[14:47] He is willing to go.

Elliott Kalan

[14:48] And then he pulls back completely.

[14:50] Yeah.

[14:50] And then she assaults him in a men's room stall.

[14:53] Which was really hot, right, guys?

[14:57] Again.

[14:57] Because there's nothing –

[14:58] Hey, doesn't she rape him at one point?

[14:59] Yeah, there's nothing –

[15:00] Let's talk about that.

[15:01] The thing about – there's a lot – there are a bunch of movies where people have sex in bathrooms.

[15:03] I know this happens in real life too.

[15:05] Sure.

[15:06] But it always seems strange to me because it's like, you know where I want to do it?

[15:09] The place where people pee and defecate.

[15:12] That would be great.

[15:13] Well, I mean that's –

Stuart Wellington

[15:13] Usually when I'm having sex in a bathroom, that's what I'm thinking about.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] Oh, okay.

[15:17] In a public restroom, like the floors are –

[15:18] I thought that were –

[15:19] The floors are ones that I'd want to stand on while having sex.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] I thought you were going to say that's when –

[15:23] Usually when you're going to the bathroom, you're thinking about people having sex in that stall.

Stuart Wellington

[15:27] Well, yeah, or there's somebody having sex in the stall next to me, and I'm like,

[15:30] keep it down over there.

[15:31] I'm trying to take a poop.

[15:33] Oops, there's another one.

[15:34] You crazy kids.

Dan McCoy

[15:36] I thought that you'd be putting a cup up to the wall to hear better.

Stuart Wellington

[15:40] Idris Elba goes –

[15:41] It helps me poop.

[15:42] It helps me focus on getting the little poops up.

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] Idris Elba – this is the classiest podcast ever.

[15:48] Idris Elba and his coworkers go on what he calls a retreat, but then it's clearly a sales conference.

[15:52] Yeah, it's not a retreat.

[15:53] They're hanging out and – oh, no, Allie's there.

[15:57] And she puts a roofie or something in his drink.

[15:59] Yeah.

[16:00] And then sneaks into his room while he's knocked – well, not even knocked out, but just kind of like woozy.

[16:04] Sure.

[16:05] And it's implied rapes him, but on screen she just kind of runs her hands over his hands very lightly.

[16:11] And says nice things to him.

[16:11] And keeps saying like, does that feel nice?

[16:13] Anoints him a lotion.

Dan McCoy

[16:14] How does that feel?

Elliott Kalan

[16:15] Is this good?

[16:16] Yeah, she's like a masseuse, basically.

[16:18] Yeah, but like a very light masseuse.

[16:19] Oh, yeah.

[16:20] But it's like she doesn't – like even she is not that interested in it.

Stuart Wellington

[16:22] It's like that scene in 40 Days and 40 Nights where Josh Hartnett makes Shan Sassman reach climax by blowing flowers across her body.

[16:32] It's that sexy, right?

[16:33] Yeah.

[16:34] And sometime we're going to force you to watch that movie and talk about it.

[16:37] Which is also a movie that features a dude getting raped by a chick that is completely not addressed.

Dan McCoy

[16:43] Well, let's talk about that because even as it was going on, I said Idris Elba gets raped, it's implied, but then doesn't remember it in the morning because of the roofies.

[16:52] It doesn't even like seem like he thinks that that might have happened.

Stuart Wellington

[16:55] So he's not traumatized by it.

Dan McCoy

[16:58] Or doesn't feel guilty about it.

[16:59] Yeah.

[17:00] And so it doesn't serve that purpose in the plot.

[17:03] And then later on when Beyonce thinks that he's sleeping with Allie Larder, there's no scene where the doctors after the suicide are like, we did find that she just had sex with this guy.

[17:14] We swabbed her out.

[17:15] Yeah.

[17:16] It's yours.

[17:16] For some reason.

[17:17] So like there wasn't that.

[17:19] There's no reason.

[17:20] Yeah.

[17:20] It's just something that's brought up to make you feel terrible and then dropped.

Elliott Kalan

[17:24] And it's strange because otherwise this movie is so intricately put together.

[17:28] Every little piece has something to do with it.

[17:30] Like when she attacks him in the bathroom stall at the Christmas party and he wants none of it, he leaves and the song they're playing as he leaves, wild thing.

[17:38] She was a wild thing, wasn't she?

[17:40] There are a couple others like that.

[17:41] They got T-Bone Burnett to do.

[17:42] Just some things that are very on the nose.

[17:44] Pick the music.

Dan McCoy

[17:45] But, you know, you're joking about how it's intricately put together.

[17:49] But the thing is like, yeah, the movie is so obvious that you wouldn't imagine that someone would just be thrown in for no reason.

[17:56] Especially something that distasteful would be brought up and then dropped in a movie where like.

[18:02] I mean, she doesn't even use it for like leverage or anything.

Stuart Wellington

[18:04] Like it's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[18:05] Well, she just does it for pleasure and then.

Stuart Wellington

[18:07] Yeah.

[18:07] I mean, I think they were even considering not putting it in the movie and they're like, oh, but this is so sexy.

[18:12] We need this.

[18:13] For all the guys out there who dream of getting roofied by Allie Larder.

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] And then lightly touched.

[18:18] Yeah.

[18:18] Lightly caressed by Allie Larder.

[18:20] It's basically, it's their version of the sex scene from Don't Look Now.

Stuart Wellington

[18:26] Wait, is that the scene with the killer dwarf in it?

[18:29] No, that's not the scene with the killer dwarf in it.

[18:31] Spoiler alert.

[18:32] He's Stewart.

[18:32] Dude, if that makes one person not see that movie, I've fucking done my job.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] I don't know.

[18:39] They'll miss out on Donald Sutherland just walking around naked very casually.

[18:43] Very handsome man.

Dan McCoy

[18:44] Very mustachioed, very 70s hair.

[18:47] There's a lot of Donald Sutherland naked back then.

[18:50] Yeah, well, he was the Harvey Keitel of his day.

[18:53] The butt shot.

[18:55] But that's for a joke.

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] Yeah.

[18:58] Or the Kevin Bacon joke.

[18:59] Yeah.

[18:59] I have to say.

[19:00] He was the Kevin Bacon of his day.

Dan McCoy

[19:02] Yeah.

[19:02] This movie, like, I don't think I've sighed so much while watching a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[19:06] Yeah, it's a very boring looking, boring, dull, obvious movie.

[19:12] But it's straightforward.

[19:13] Yeah.

[19:13] Yeah, it is very.

Dan McCoy

[19:14] But we did not miss anything while watching it.

[19:16] I have to clue you in, listeners.

[19:18] I admit that we talk throughout the movie, make jokes.

[19:23] Lice cracks.

[19:23] Steward texts.

[19:24] Joke-em-ups.

[19:25] We're walking out.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] And I take a bunch of notes in my notebook.

Elliott Kalan

[19:28] I put on my reading glasses.

[19:30] Yeah, Stuart looks very closely.

[19:31] There's a scene-by-scene breakdown of the film, a beat sheet.

Dan McCoy

[19:34] This is not a movie where we miss something.

[19:37] This is a movie that lays it all out on the table and then underlines it three times.

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] This is a movie you can watch while asleep.

[19:43] And you still have got everything.

[19:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:45] I think that's the ideal way to watch it.

[19:47] It's so boring that it will put you into a deep REM sleep.

[19:51] A satisfying...

[19:52] REM?

[19:53] REM?

[19:53] Oh, yeah.

[19:54] You know, like REM Coolhouse.

[19:55] Yeah, okay.

[19:56] Man, Beyonce is a total non-presence in this film.

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] She spends most of the movie not in the movie.

[20:02] Until it's asking in time.

[20:04] Yeah, until it's time for her to, you know, fuck shit up.

[20:06] Defend her man.

[20:08] And fight a lot.

[20:09] But she's so passive before...

[20:10] I guess she doesn't know what's going on, but she doesn't...

[20:13] She's a stay-at-home mom who is also studying for something job-related, maybe school thing.

Dan McCoy

[20:19] To be a taekwondo instructor, I think.

[20:21] She's basically sitting at home and apparently calling her husband every 15 minutes on the phone.

[20:26] Because I've never seen a couple talk to each other on the phone as much as these two do.

[20:30] Like, from the start of the movie, I have to say, the movie does not put me in Beyonce's corner.

[20:36] Because one of the first things in the movie is she learns that Idris Elba has a female assistant.

Elliott Kalan

[20:41] Just a female temp filling in for his assistant.

[20:44] Yeah, and she's like...

[20:44] Who is a ridiculously caricatured gay man, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[20:47] But she's like, oh, I can't read on no female assistants.

[20:51] Well, the backstory is because she was his assistant.

[20:54] Even so, that is no...

[20:55] Like, what kind of crazy, possessive woman is like, I'm sorry, you can't work with any women.

[21:01] You can't work with 51% of the world.

Stuart Wellington

[21:04] Maybe there was like a really hot scene where, like, the first time they hooked up, he was like...

[21:09] I love assistants.

[21:10] Yeah, he's like, I always fuck my assistants.

[21:13] You know what, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[21:13] It just seems like there's no trust in this relationship from the start.

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] Tell me this.

[21:17] It's true.

[21:17] If they had followed that rule, would anything bad have happened?

[21:20] No.

[21:20] I guess you're right.

[21:21] And they didn't follow that rule, and what happened?

[21:23] Their house got wrecked.

[21:24] White girl tried to steal her man.

[21:25] And the white girl tried to steal her man.

[21:27] And somebody died, right?

[21:30] Well, Ally Larder died.

[21:31] Ally Larder died.

[21:31] Yeah, falling out of an attic.

[21:33] I mean, probably.

Dan McCoy

[21:34] I guess...

[21:35] She might be alive.

[21:37] I guess it wasn't explicitly.

[21:38] It depends on...

[21:39] I mean, as you pointed out, that chandelier didn't look that heavy.

[21:41] Yeah.

[21:41] And it missed her.

[21:43] It was half on her.

Stuart Wellington

[21:45] I mean, we'll wait until Obsessed 2 before we make a final decision.

[21:47] Still obsessed.

[21:49] Obsessed 2.

[21:50] The scent of obsession.

[21:52] Obsessed-er.

[21:53] Obsessed again.

[21:54] It's a comedy.

[21:55] Obsessed with him?

[21:56] But you were supposed to be obsessed with me!

[21:58] So, who?

[21:59] Erica Christensen would be the Ally Larder character in the...

[22:02] Swim fan.

Elliott Kalan

[22:03] Yeah, she'd be in the sequel.

[22:04] She's a real Swim fan.

[22:06] That's a word that they didn't make up for the movie.

[22:10] Oh, God.

[22:11] I don't even know how much there's to say about it.

[22:13] Well, and Beyonce, where...

[22:14] There's a funny...

[22:15] There's a funny thing with, like, the end of the fight scene.

[22:18] Beyonce's wearing these very high-heeled boots.

[22:20] And it's just fun.

[22:21] They're in an unfinished attic.

[22:22] And it's just kind of funny the lengths the movie goes to for suspense in showing her

[22:26] having trouble standing on the boards laid down in the attic with her boots on.

Dan McCoy

[22:30] Yeah.

[22:30] There's...

[22:30] Yeah.

[22:31] There are basically three planks that you can walk on.

[22:33] And the rest of it is just insulation.

[22:35] And so, Ally Larder's swinging a two-by-four at her.

[22:38] And Beyonce's backing up, backing up, getting closer to just going on this insulation in

[22:42] these four-inch heel boots backing up.

[22:45] And then she gets the edge.

[22:46] And she springs backwards.

[22:47] And like a cat, both of her boots land on the planks on the side.

Elliott Kalan

[22:52] And then later, she's...

[22:53] Ally Larder is dangling from the attic by her hands.

[22:57] And Beyonce grabs her hand to save her life because she's still a good person.

[23:01] And...

[23:01] Not a murderer.

[23:02] Yeah.

[23:03] And Ally Larder starts trying to pull her down with her.

[23:06] And you see shots of her boots, like, sliding across the attic floor as if she's being pulled

[23:12] forwards.

[23:13] But each time you see Beyonce, she's at the exact same point in the hole that she was before.

[23:17] So it's almost less like she's being pulled through than that her legs are getting shorter

[23:21] the entire fight.

[23:23] Or like, almost like it's a cartoon joke where Beyonce's arms are stretching so her legs are

[23:28] pulling in.

[23:30] Yeah.

[23:31] It would have been a great, like, Stephen Chow joke to throw in suddenly.

[23:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:35] And for, like, a movie that I guess, I guess is, like, supposed to be an erotic thriller.

Stuart Wellington

[23:39] It's a very unerotic thriller.

[23:41] The most skin is shown...

[23:42] But it is thrilling.

Dan McCoy

[23:43] ...during the cat fight.

[23:44] Oh, yeah.

[23:45] Yeah.

[23:45] Because Ally Larder is in an oversized jersey that Edris Elba wears, but no pants on.

[23:51] She has her panties.

[23:52] And Beyonce has a lot of...

[23:53] It shows a lot of cleavings.

[23:54] Yeah, she's very cleavagy.

[23:56] And high-heeled boots.

[23:57] But, like, you could show this entire movie on television uncut.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] Yeah.

[24:00] On network television at 7 p.m.

[24:02] Mm-hmm.

[24:02] Preempt Jeopardy.

[24:03] Throw this on.

[24:05] Anger everyone who wanted to see Jeopardy.

[24:07] Yeah.

[24:08] When they cancel the Jay Leno show, they throw this on at 10, and they realize, well, you know,

[24:12] we could run this at 8.

[24:13] Cancel the Jay Leno show, huh?

[24:15] Two and a half men is ratio in this.

[24:17] Yeah.

[24:17] I don't want them to cancel a show.

[24:20] Two and a half men, huh?

Stuart Wellington

[24:21] I don't think it's going to lose another 12 million viewers in one week.

[24:25] Two and a half men.

Elliott Kalan

[24:26] For Emmy Award winner John Cryer.

[24:29] Yeah.

[24:29] Who won an Emmy this year.

[24:30] You're just as good as John Cryer, Elba.

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:33] I am as good as John Cryer and better than Bob Newhart, who never won anything.

[24:37] That's the way it works.

[24:38] Mm-hmm.

[24:39] And not as good as Susan Lucci, who I think has two.

[24:42] Ah.

[24:43] The same way that Alfred Hitchcock is a worse director than...

[24:48] Kevin Costner.

[24:49] Well, yes, than Kevin Costner.

Dan McCoy

[24:50] I'm really struggling with this movie because it is so straightforward.

[24:53] Yeah, it's really straightforward.

[24:54] I mean, there's not much to say about it.

[24:55] It's really boring.

[24:55] Jerry O'Connell's in it for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[24:57] Jerry O'Connell doing his best Michael Ian Black impression is in the movie, and it

[25:01] is...

[25:01] That's the thing.

[25:02] That was the saddest thing about the movie.

[25:03] It was a sign of how far Jerry O'Connell's career has gone down, that he's in this...

[25:08] He's the friend of the main character in this movie, as opposed to being the lead in a movie

[25:14] like Tomcats, like you mentioned, Stuart.

[25:16] That's a drop.

Dan McCoy

[25:17] Do you think after a day of filming, Jerry O'Connell would be like, hey, Idris, you want

Stuart Wellington

[25:24] to go get a beer or something?

Dan McCoy

[25:26] And he's like, I got a lot of stuff to do, man.

[25:29] I'm going to prepare for tomorrow.

[25:31] He's like, oh, okay.

[25:34] We could watch the first season DVD of Carpoolers.

[25:37] It just came out.

[25:38] I was in that show Carpoolers.

Elliott Kalan

[25:39] Watch Joe's Apartment.

[25:41] I got the short and the full-length feature.

[25:44] Sliders.

[25:45] Seasons one through whatever.

[25:48] I think one through question.

[25:50] I think I have some VHS tapes from when I was guest hosting later.

[25:53] I think even fans of Sliders look at Sliders that way.

[25:57] Yeah, you know, seasons one through whatever.

[25:59] I don't know how many seasons it ran.

[26:01] They were getting sillier and sillier in ways of changing the world in the different episodes.

Dan McCoy

[26:07] The movie had a really, really catty gay man in it.

Stuart Wellington

[26:12] Bruce McGill was in it.

[26:13] Yeah, Bruce D-Day.

[26:15] Yeah, had a very small role.

[26:17] Now we're just listing things that were true about this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:19] Well, there's not much to say about the movie.

[26:21] Ali Larder has left her job.

[26:24] And so Idris Elba goes, phew, I'm safe again.

[26:27] He and Beyonce go out to dinner.

[26:28] And cartoon sweat flies off his head.

[26:31] It's New Year's.

[26:32] New Year's Eve, they come home after midnight.

[26:36] His outlook on his computer, which he's left turned on all night apparently and open,

[26:41] says he has one message.

[26:42] He checks it.

[26:43] And oh no, it's a New Year's card from Ali Larder that's a photo of her that opens multiple

[26:47] pop-up photos of her.

[26:48] Yeah, the same photo opens up in 20 different pop-ups.

[26:51] Over and over again.

[26:52] It says, see you next year.

[26:53] And there's this great moment of like poorly thought out suspense where Beyonce is taking

[26:58] off her earrings in the background while Idris Elba is desperately trying to click close

[27:02] to all of the windows at the same time.

[27:05] And they keep cutting between the things.

[27:07] It's just like, oh my god, he's running out of time before her earrings are off and he's

[27:10] still got three windows to close.

Stuart Wellington

[27:12] Well, you guys are probably a lot like me.

[27:15] You've probably, you know, gone out with your lady and then you're in your bedroom,

[27:19] your boudoir, and you're looking at some internet pornography.

[27:22] Holy shit.

[27:23] Whole bunch of pop-ups pop up.

[27:25] And then when she's coming back out of the bathroom after having taken a shit or something,

[27:28] you're trying to furiously click on all those X's to close those pop-ups.

[27:32] So wait, so you came home.

[27:32] So she doesn't see that you're looking at porn.

Elliott Kalan

[27:33] You came home and she said, I'll be right about.

[27:35] I need to use the bathroom.

[27:36] And your first thought is, I'm going to have plenty of time to look at pornography.

[27:39] In bed.

[27:39] Yeah.

[27:40] In bed.

[27:41] While you're in the bathroom.

[27:42] Yeah.

[27:42] This is an odd scenario.

Stuart Wellington

[27:44] Okay.

[27:44] So, yeah.

[27:45] So that's the thing.

[27:46] It's like, the director's really playing on his audience's knowledge of irritating pop-ups.

Dan McCoy

[27:53] It's primarily male audience for this film.

[27:57] The ones who came out to see Beyonce Knowles into Ogle Idris Elba.

[28:03] Wait, what?

Elliott Kalan

[28:03] There's a lot more Idris Elba skin than lady skin.

[28:06] He takes his shirt off a bunch of times.

[28:08] It almost makes me think that we weren't the audience for this movie.

[28:11] I don't understand.

[28:12] That's strange.

Dan McCoy

[28:13] Elliot.

[28:13] We're young, professional males between the ages of 25 and 35.

[28:18] Seems like we would be the market for everything.

Elliott Kalan

[28:20] I'm closer to the 25 end of that scale.

[28:23] Yeah.

[28:24] Me too.

Stuart Wellington

[28:26] Okay.

[28:27] So, this movie was great.

[28:28] Now, let's do some...

[28:29] Do we want to...

[28:30] Final judgment.

[28:30] Yeah, final judgment.

[28:31] Let's do the final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:32] Then we can talk about something else.

[28:34] So, to refresh, is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie that you actually

[28:39] kind of liked in some way?

[28:40] Elliot, go.

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] I would call this a bad, bad movie.

[28:43] It was very boring, and until the fight scene at the end, they're like, there were little

[28:47] things here and there you could make fun of, but it was never a good, bad movie, and it

[28:51] is certainly not a good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[28:52] I'll have to agree with Elliot.

[28:54] This is a bad, bad movie.

[28:55] Although, there was one moment in the movie where they were talking about hamburgers, so

[29:00] I started thinking about how I'd like to eat a hamburger right now.

Elliott Kalan

[29:03] Yeah, that was the...

[29:04] The high point of the film is when they briefly discuss whether the hamburger they're eating

[29:07] is good.

[29:08] Yeah.

[29:08] And the answer is yes, it's very good.

[29:09] It made me think of good hamburgers I've eaten.

Stuart Wellington

[29:11] Yeah.

[29:11] So, I mean, that part was cool.

Dan McCoy

[29:13] Yeah, if you want to think about good hamburgers, maybe watch that scene in the movie, or just

[29:17] think about good hamburgers.

[29:18] At that point, they're almost...

[29:19] You do it at the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[29:20] It's almost like they're trying to set her up as the ideal dream woman, like, oh, she knows

[29:25] the kind of music he likes, and she's really sexy.

[29:27] Oh, and she eats hamburgers, too?

[29:29] What could go wrong?

[29:31] Yep.

[29:31] It's why I'm attracted to Wimpy.

[29:34] Well, you also think it's smooth the way he never pays for his hamburgers.

[29:38] Yes.

[29:39] I think that...

Dan McCoy

[29:40] Are you going to rock the boat?

[29:42] No, I'm going to agree.

[29:43] This is a bad, bad movie.

[29:45] I think that the ending catfight is funny, but I would advise you to go on YouTube, look

[29:52] it up, see if some kind soul has cut that part out, and you can just watch it on its own.

Elliott Kalan

[29:57] And if they have, that person should get the Nobel Prize for peace, for saving people's

[30:02] time.

Dan McCoy

[30:03] And the rest of it can be thrown in the garbage.

[30:06] Sure.

[30:07] The celluloid garbage can.

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] Just take the original reels, clip that part out, and throw the rest away.

[30:14] That was the sequel to the celluloid closet, was the celluloid garbage can.

[30:18] What about Oscar the Grouches that were secretly hidden into movies?

[30:22] Yep.

[30:23] Or I guess Oscar's the Grouch would be the correct pluralizing of that.

Dan McCoy

[30:27] Yeah, it's like Attorneys General.

[30:28] Yeah.

[30:31] So I have a couple of things here from the...

[30:34] Are those letters?

[30:35] They're part of the Flophouse Mail.

[30:37] Letters?

[30:38] We get letters?

[30:39] We get lots and lots of letters?

[30:40] Is this a movie mail?

[30:42] Letters.

[30:43] First off here, someone submitted something for the contest.

[30:48] The contest...

[30:48] We're running a contest?

[30:50] I had forgotten about it.

[30:51] We mentioned once, and then never mentioned again.

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] What was the prize?

[30:55] Was it watch a flop with the Flophouses?

[30:57] Yeah, that sounds cool.

[30:58] Flop with the Floppers contest.

Dan McCoy

[30:59] So it's still running, guys.

[31:01] Thank you for reminding us that this contest exists.

[31:03] What were the rules again?

[31:04] Do something?

[31:05] Do something to promote the show.

[31:06] Oh, yeah.

[31:07] And then send us some proof that you've done something to promote the show.

[31:10] And then we will evaluate who did the best thing to promote the show.

[31:13] And then they will get a you-expensivest-paid trip to watch a movie with us.

[31:19] To beautiful Brooklyn.

[31:20] We'll probably contribute food and drink.

Stuart Wellington

[31:23] Yeah.

[31:24] Popeye's on me.

[31:25] That's it.

[31:26] I'll provide beer, as long as you don't mind drinking Highlight for Bruce Lee.

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] And then you provide a sense of fun.

Dan McCoy

[31:31] You can sit in while we record.

[31:33] But anyway, this gentleman, his name is Dash.

[31:38] Okay.

[31:39] Oh, he's one of the Incredibles.

[31:40] He hosts his own podcast.

[31:42] And he's put up a video where he teaches people how to make falapel with tahini.

[31:51] So, if you've been wanting to...

[31:53] Oh, I get it.

[31:54] If you've been wanting to learn how to make Middle Eastern street food, but we're waiting for a horrible pun to be involved.

[31:59] Wow.

[32:00] This is someone who put an effort into a contest.

[32:02] No, no.

[32:03] I'm saying they went to the trouble of doing the video.

[32:05] And I'll post it on the site.

[32:07] Yeah.

[32:07] If you need your recipes, let's say, to have something to do with a podcast, then your prayers have been answered.

[32:15] Sure.

[32:16] To whatever God you're praying to.

[32:18] Thank you, Dash.

[32:19] I enjoyed the video.

[32:21] And I'll put it up.

Elliott Kalan

[32:21] It's probably Yabu on the three who are one.

Dan McCoy

[32:23] Yeah.

[32:24] That makes sense.

[32:25] I think that we'll keep this contest open through the end of October, and then we'll make our choice.

[32:31] Shocktober.

[32:32] Yeah, that's true.

[32:33] Stocktober.

[32:34] Next month will be Shocktober.

[32:36] So, look forward to that.

Elliott Kalan

[32:37] On Channel 11, WPIX New York's movie station.

[32:42] So, um.

[32:43] So, if you wanted to see Nightmare on Elm Street 3 again.

[32:46] Dream Warriors?

[32:46] But with the good scenes cut out.

[32:48] Okay.

[32:48] All the homoerotic ones, you mean.

Dan McCoy

[32:50] No, that's two.

[32:51] That's two.

Elliott Kalan

[32:51] I mean, I don't know which one's the gay one.

[32:54] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[32:55] So, this one is from William, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[32:58] This one family is always writing us.

Dan McCoy

[33:00] Yeah.

[33:00] He enjoys the show.

[33:01] Started listening at work earlier this year.

[33:03] Reminds him of the bad movie nights.

[33:05] His wife, Michelle.

[33:06] And he used to have with his friend Pete.

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] He said, Michelle, as if you knew her and missed her.

[33:12] Of course, Michelle.

[33:14] So, you and William did stay together.

[33:15] Yeah, William.

[33:16] Dan's wiping away a tear.

[33:17] He could have had something beautiful.

[33:18] Kissing a folded, faded photograph that he keeps in his wallet.

[33:21] A daguerreotype?

[33:23] Yeah, it's a daguerreotype.

[33:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:25] He has a tintype print in his wallet.

Elliott Kalan

[33:28] It's a stereo picture.

[33:30] What do you call those?

[33:31] A stereo...

[33:32] A stereo...

[33:33] A stereo...

[33:33] A stereo opticon.

[33:33] A stereo opticon is what you look at them with.

[33:34] A stereoscopic picture.

[33:35] Okay, here.

[33:35] So, let's keep going.

[33:36] Okay.

[33:36] Well, anyway...

[33:36] He's putting it in the holders that he can see it in three dimensions and then crying.

Dan McCoy

[33:40] He basically enjoyed his own bad movie night and he wanted to recommend a few older bad movies.

[33:47] Sure.

[33:47] For people to watch.

[33:48] Orgy of the Dead.

[33:50] Ed Wood movie, right?

[33:51] Yeah, Ed Wood movie.

[33:54] Michelle and her sister Tracy memorably shouted,

[33:57] Ow!

[33:58] When a topless woman vigorously shook her breast from side to side during the Orgy of the Dead.

[34:02] So, you might want to try that at home, too.

[34:04] Andy Warhol's Dracula, he liked.

[34:06] Ugh, that's terrible.

[34:08] Maniac.

[34:09] The extras include an endless display of maniac trailers, all nearly exactly the same.

[34:13] Yeah.

[34:14] And when time ran out, Pete was fascinated with 70s disaster pictures, particularly the works

[34:20] of Erwin Allen.

[34:20] I couldn't stop laughing at the bridge scene.

[34:22] It runs on forever, even on fast forward.

[34:24] I haven't seen that one.

[34:25] I'm familiar with Erwin Allen's work, but I haven't seen that one.

[34:28] So, yeah, those are some good older movie recommendations.

[34:30] We don't usually, we don't talk about older movies because they've often been picked over

[34:35] by the time we would get to them anyway.

[34:37] And we want to have like a thin veneer of currency.

[34:40] Topicality.

[34:41] To the podcast.

[34:42] But this opens up a good topic, which is, are there any older bad movies that you would

[34:48] recommend as a good bad movie to watch?

Stuart Wellington

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:51] I totally want to watch, because I was, you know, you know the Netflix, right?

[34:56] Mm-hmm.

[34:57] You guys have heard of this, right?

[34:58] It's on the internet.

[34:58] Yeah.

[34:59] So I was browsing my flicks, and I noted...

[35:04] That's what the kids call it.

[35:05] I noted that one of my favorite movies has just recently been added to their catalog.

[35:11] Oh.

[35:12] A little movie called If Looks Could Kill, starring Richard Pico.

[35:15] Oh, of course.

[35:15] How can we forget?

[35:17] So...

Dan McCoy

[35:17] But that's Italian chic movie.

[35:19] I mean, it is a comedy.

[35:20] But it is bad.

[35:21] Yeah.

[35:21] It's not good.

[35:22] It's not a good movie.

[35:23] All right.

[35:24] Okay.

[35:25] I'll take that.

Stuart Wellington

[35:26] I mean, he mispronounces bonjour and says boner.

[35:30] I mean, come on.

[35:32] All right.

[35:32] I changed my mind.

[35:33] That's a good movie.

[35:34] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[35:35] That should have won Best Picture.

Dan McCoy

[35:36] I think that...

[35:37] I mean, this is...

[35:37] I think it did at the kid Oscars.

[35:39] The Coskers.

[35:40] Yeah.

[35:40] This is still sort of recent, but I showed at a bad movie night before the Flophouse existed

[35:45] Paparazzi, and I think that's an excellent choice for a still fairly recent older bad movie.

[35:52] I mean, it's the sort of bad movie that only a celebrity would want to make.

[35:57] A movie about killer paparazzi terrorizing a poor celebrity.

[36:02] And it exists in this weird world where, like, paparazzi all work together to bedevil celebrities

[36:09] rather than, you know, just being individual people out to sell photos.

[36:13] But the paparazzis don't actually kill anybody in that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[36:16] They just injure somebody, and then they all get killed.

[36:19] Yeah, I guess that is.

[36:20] They all get killed by Bo Laramie, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[36:22] But Tom Sizemore does say that he wants to ruin the guy's life.

[36:26] Yeah.

[36:27] Wants to make it his mission to ruin his life.

[36:28] Bo Laramie, played by popular actor Cole Hauser.

[36:31] Yeah.

[36:32] You don't know which name sounds more fake, his real name or the character's name.

[36:37] That's the kind of world that paparazzi creates for you, the viewer, right?

[36:41] Yeah.

[36:41] I believe it was directed, or was it written, or was it written, directed?

[36:45] One of those by Mel Gibson's hairdresser.

[36:49] So, there you go.

[36:50] Do you have anything that you wanted to say?

[36:52] Mel Gibson was in my office today, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[36:55] Really?

[36:55] They were shooting a scene for a movie Mel Gibson is making in which he is a man who speaks

[37:01] through a beaver puppet.

[37:03] And I think Jodie Foster is directing it.

[37:05] And they were shooting a scene where he's being interviewed by John.

[37:08] Wow.

[37:08] It was quite strange.

Dan McCoy

[37:09] You know, Daily Show doesn't usually do that sort of thing, right?

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] We've been doing it more and more.

[37:13] We did one for Evan Almighty, and we did one for the great Buck Howard.

[37:17] We did one recently for something Matt Damon's in.

[37:20] John is becoming Jay Leno, I guess.

[37:22] Yeah.

[37:22] There was a time when you could not see a movie where they didn't have, like, a scene where

[37:26] Jay Leno does a joke about what's going on in the movie.

[37:28] Yeah.

[37:28] No, not Good Will Hunting.

[37:29] Two.

[37:30] Not Good Will Hunting, two, either.

[37:31] Better Will Hunting.

Dan McCoy

[37:33] Followed by Best Will Hunting.

Elliott Kalan

[37:35] The one called Good Will Bunting, which is also a baseball prodigy.

Dan McCoy

[37:39] Either that or, like, a weird banner.

[37:42] Yeah.

[37:42] Good Will swaddling about the nativity.

[37:46] Sure.

[37:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] I think I'll recommend, there's a two-movie cycle, Mandroid and Invisible, the Chronicles

[37:52] of Jack Knight, I think it's called.

[37:54] It might be Kyle Knight.

[37:55] They tell the story of a group of scientists on the run from a villain.

[37:59] In the first one, they have a robot body that can be controlled when you wear a special

[38:02] helmet, and an evil scientist wants it.

[38:05] And one of the characters turns invisible, which is a lead-in to the second movie, Invisible,

[38:10] where he actually isn't in it that much.

[38:12] As you'd think, since the movie is called Invisible.

[38:14] But it is a very funny, bad two-part movie.

[38:17] And you know what?

[38:18] I'll also throw Nuki in.

[38:19] How about that?

[38:20] Hey, can I throw something else in there?

[38:21] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[38:22] I want to recommend The Invisible Maniac.

[38:24] Oh, yeah.

[38:25] About a high school teacher who turns himself invisible just to, you know, spy on and potentially

[38:31] rape women.

[38:32] It's like a better version of The Hollow Man.

[38:34] And then at one point, he chokes a student to death with a submarine sandwich.

[38:40] Pretty good.

[38:41] It's a good movie.

[38:42] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] He does that, but does it have a talking monkey in it?

[38:45] Because Nuki does.

Stuart Wellington

[38:47] The Invisible Maniac jumps on somebody's head and smushes it.

Dan McCoy

[38:52] Just smushes it?

Stuart Wellington

[38:53] Yeah, the person's head smushes.

[38:55] Like, it splatters.

[38:57] Wow.

[38:57] Apparently, when you become invisible, you also become ridiculously dense.

[39:02] Interesting.

[39:03] Oh, and then when you become visible again, if you die, you become visible again in the

[39:08] mythos of The Invisible Maniac.

Elliott Kalan

[39:10] That doesn't make it.

[39:11] Oh, well, that happens in the regular The Invisible Man.

[39:13] Oh, yeah.

[39:13] You're right.

[39:14] I would recommend Slow Bullet, except it is unenjoyable.

[39:18] That is the necronomicon of bad movies.

[39:21] You will go crazy if you watch it.

[39:22] I could recommend more bad ones.

[39:23] I'm starting to think of the movies they used to play on USA Up all night now.

[39:27] Barbarian Quarles.

[39:27] Not the bikini ones.

[39:29] Maybe we just...

[39:29] Oh, those are like The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure?

[39:31] That was, I think, too new a movie to show up all night.

Dan McCoy

[39:36] Should we just stick to these bad movies and their recommendations for the week?

Elliott Kalan

[39:40] The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure implies there's an adventure in the film.

[39:44] Yeah, it's a great movie.

[39:44] Which there is, of course, none of.

Stuart Wellington

[39:46] Yeah, but there's, you know, there's bikinis and there's topless chicks.

[39:50] And they do go off-road quite a bit.

[39:51] There's some wise Native American dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] That is the trope of there's one woman and he keeps losing her top and then

[39:57] the wise Native American collects them and returns them.

[40:00] Yeah, Willie Talsall.

[40:02] That's the character's name.

[40:03] I forgot that was his name.

Dan McCoy

[40:05] Isn't there like a bikini traffic school?

Elliott Kalan

[40:07] Yes, I think.

[40:08] I haven't seen it.

[40:09] I saw that one.

Dan McCoy

[40:10] I don't understand.

[40:11] I really, that was one I didn't get because it seemed like a traffic school in the sense

[40:16] that it was related somehow to city government.

[40:18] It wasn't like a private organization.

[40:20] But it still had that plot where land developers wanted to take it over and they had to turn

[40:25] into a bikini organization to save it.

[40:28] And I'm like, this is not a profit business doing a traffic school.

Elliott Kalan

[40:32] You guys remember the great, it was like the stand-up comedy boom of the 80s, the bikini

[40:35] business boom when there were just bikini businesses springing up all over the country.

[40:38] Yeah, sure.

[40:39] Bikini car washes, bikini bistros, bikini hotels, bikini airlines.

Stuart Wellington

[40:43] And there was also that boom in evil land developers.

[40:47] Around the same time.

[40:48] Yeah, we're always trying to shut mom and pop organizations down.

Elliott Kalan

[40:51] Or community centers.

[40:53] Yeah.

[40:53] For some reason, the economy at that point just favored bikinis and evil land developers.

[40:57] Oh, yeah, that's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[40:58] Yeah, I don't know what it is.

[41:00] Despite, you know, I'm an adult.

[41:03] But still, if one of those bikini movies comes on, I'll look around and actually kind

[41:08] of feel like I'm doing something wrong.

[41:10] Like my parents might walk in and catch me.

[41:12] And I've seen actual pornography.

Elliott Kalan

[41:15] And you don't ever feel, you don't care if your parents walk in and see you watching

[41:18] that.

Stuart Wellington

[41:19] No, because I mean, most of it's pornography featuring like dead bodies and stuff.

[41:23] So it's not like it's real pornography.

Dan McCoy

[41:25] Even as a grown adult, I also prefer.

[41:29] That's a crazy thing to say.

[41:33] Prefer like the silly TNA comedies to like other forms of like bad softcore.

[41:39] No, well, there's a lightness to it.

[41:41] Because, yeah, well, I mean, as someone who grew up, you know, staying up secretly to

[41:46] watch whatever, you know, like.

[41:49] Pornography.

[41:49] So many.

[41:50] Yeah, whatever.

[41:51] It wasn't Charlie Rose that you were staying up to see.

Elliott Kalan

[41:54] Someone who stayed up to see Live at the Apollo.

Dan McCoy

[41:57] Sometimes I did stay up to see Charlie Rose.

[41:59] But so many of the like softcore erotic thrillers are about a guy out there who's killing strippers.

[42:05] Yeah, and that's not so fun.

[42:06] And that's like unsexy on two levels.

[42:09] Number one, like, you know, strippers, it's fine.

[42:12] Like, it's good.

[42:13] I'm still seeing someone who's naked.

[42:15] But it's like the least sexy version of that because you're like, okay, well, I'm watching

[42:20] a movie about someone whose job is to take their clothes off.

[42:24] It's not like I'm seeing characters who I wouldn't normally see naked.

[42:28] Like, it's like, okay, these are characters who this is their job to be naked.

[42:31] And then they get killed.

[42:32] Like, that doesn't add any.

[42:34] I don't.

[42:34] So you're saying you wouldn't be turned on by a movie about naked cave women.

Stuart Wellington

[42:38] Right.

[42:39] Because that's kind of their job.

[42:40] No, it's not their job to be naked.

Elliott Kalan

[42:42] I mean, they don't really have a job.

Stuart Wellington

[42:44] Like, they don't like put on like take a briefcase and go somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] There's a difference between unhappily being paid to take your clothes off and not yet having

[42:52] knowledge of clothes.

[42:53] How do you know they're not happy about it?

[42:53] I'm saying.

Dan McCoy

[42:55] Yeah, I'm saying that like.

[42:57] I'm saying if there was a movie about Adam and Eve.

[43:00] Okay.

[43:00] Where Adam and Eve were naked.

[43:01] Not Adam and Steve.

[43:02] And then Adam killed Eve.

[43:03] Well, that would be the movie The Loss of Sexual Innocence.

[43:05] That would be even sexy on multiple levels.

Elliott Kalan

[43:07] Well, it doesn't.

[43:07] It's not even the true story.

[43:09] Yeah.

[43:09] Cain kills Abel.

[43:10] You make Abel a hot girl, maybe a stripper.

[43:13] Done.

[43:13] You got your movie.

[43:14] Okay.

[43:14] And you call it a garden of.

[43:17] Genesis.

[43:17] Killing.

Stuart Wellington

[43:18] Garden of Genesis.

[43:20] Garden of Genesis.

[43:22] Garden of Killing Corn Chips.

[43:24] Part one, the rise of Killing.

[43:27] I like it.

Elliott Kalan

[43:28] Okay.

[43:28] Enter the Killing in.

[43:30] That's how boring the movie was today that we had plenty of time to talk about old soft

[43:34] core pornography of the type mom used to make.

[43:37] Sure.

[43:38] So, yeah.

[43:38] Are we.

[43:39] Anything else we have to do?

Dan McCoy

[43:40] Oh, I was going to say I think that we should just make those bad movie recommendations

[43:43] or recommendations.

[43:44] Totally.

[43:45] Particularly because I haven't had time to watch anything good.

[43:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] I had a movie to recommend, but I didn't love it.

[43:50] It just kind of like was the best of the ones I had seen lately.

Dan McCoy

[43:53] I saw a screening of The Informant and I liked it a good deal.

[43:56] I haven't seen that yet.

[43:56] But I feel like anyone needs my encouragement to go see a wide release film starring Matt

[44:01] Damon.

[44:02] Yeah, you've sold out, Dan.

[44:03] Like an undiscovered gym.

Elliott Kalan

[44:03] If you wouldn't mind me promoting my next film screening coming up.

[44:06] The first Wednesday in October, October 7th, I'll be showing The Old Dark House at 92Y Tribeca

[44:12] in Manhattan, 200 Hudson Street.

[44:14] Come on by.

[44:15] Wednesday, October 7th, 8 o'clock, The Old Dark House.

[44:18] I'm going to talk about it.

[44:18] James Whale's masterpiece.

[44:20] The movie he made between Frankenstein and Pride of Frankenstein.

[44:22] It's really funny and it's really creepy.

Dan McCoy

[44:23] If you want to see Emmy-winning writer Elliot Kalin present a movie, that's your chance,

[44:28] guys.

Elliott Kalan

[44:28] This is your first of many chances.

Dan McCoy

[44:30] It's weird.

[44:31] You would think that this podcast would get better the worse the movie is that we watched.

[44:35] There's a breaking point.

[44:36] But it saps us of energy so much.

[44:37] I feel like our best podcasts have been movies that we kind of enjoyed.

[44:40] Yeah, like Bratz.

Elliott Kalan

[44:41] That's the thing.

[44:43] It's like I can't imagine.

[44:45] I know it happened that we watched and we were like, ah, even though that was a shitty

[44:50] movie, that was fun to watch.

[44:52] My mind is like, certainly that wasn't the case, but I know it happened.

[44:55] Bratz is still our gold standard.

Stuart Wellington

[44:58] Okay, so Hollywood, you've got a job to do, right?

Elliott Kalan

[45:00] Watch the Bratz movie and learn your lesson.

[45:03] Yep.

[45:03] Make every film like that.

Dan McCoy

[45:05] Next Beyonce vehicle, Bratz 2, Bootylicious.

[45:09] All grown up.

[45:09] Yeah, all grown up.

Elliott Kalan

[45:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:11] It'd be like, it would begin, say, five years later.

Elliott Kalan

[45:14] The opening of the film would be a title card that says five years later.

Dan McCoy

[45:18] Yeah, in those five years, the four Bratz have merged into one entity.

[45:23] Like a super brat?

[45:25] Oh, man.

[45:26] He called super brats.

[45:27] There you go.

[45:27] Well, let's sign off, guys.

[45:29] I've been Dan McCoy.

[45:31] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[45:32] I am Emmy Award winning writer Elliot Kalin.

[45:35] Good night.

[45:38] Nakedness.

[45:40] I guess I'm kind of a fetish for women with no clothes on.

[45:43] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:44] I kind of like clothes.

[45:45] I like a few clothes.

[45:46] I like taking them off.

[45:47] I like songs.

[45:47] Well, certainly in a perfect world.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] My underpants.

[45:50] In a perfect world.

[45:51] Yeah, in the film.

[45:52] Certainly in the film, a more perfect world.

[45:54] Or just a perfect world, right?

[45:56] I think you're thinking in order to form a more perfect union.

[45:58] Yeah, yeah.

[45:59] That's probably what I'm thinking.

Stuart Wellington

[45:59] Perfect world.

[46:00] That's the one where...

[46:01] Clint Eastwood and Kevin Costner.

[46:02] Kevin Costner plays like a retarded guy or something.

[46:04] No.

Elliott Kalan

[46:05] He's a criminal on the run who shows a Jehovah's Witness kid his only taste of fun.

[46:10] Yeah.

[46:11] Time of his life.

[46:12] It's actually a very underrated movie, I find.

The Flop House: Episode #46 - Obsessed

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