The Flop House: Episode #47 - The Unborn

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Hibbik shmibbik, pass the ham. We talk about the unborn.

[0:30] Hey everybody and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalin, don't you know.

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] Ah, right. That's my Fargo impression. Okay, so everyone. Fargo? Yeah, like the movie. Oh, right, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[0:49] What were you saying, Dan? No, you know, I haven't seen you guys in a while. Yeah, right. At least since yesterday. I saw you yesterday.

Stuart Wellington

[0:56] Yeah, I saw you guys at a street fair in Brooklyn, New York. You said it the way the Dutch would have said it 300, 400 years ago.

Dan McCoy

[1:05] In your Brooklyn, New York. Did you have some tube steaks, guys? You mean penises?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12] Hot dogs, that's, I think. Oh, see, I would have called that a hot dog. I didn't have any. I did get to see some antique buses.

Dan McCoy

[1:21] Yeah. You were very excited about the antique buses. You sent a text saying that you were going to be at Court Street and such and such a place.

[1:30] And I was like, okay, we're walking to you. And then we got to that place and we're like, where's Elliot?

[1:35] And we called you and you're like, oh, we got sidetracked by the antique buses.

[1:39] Yeah, they're awesome. I love antique transportation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42] It was a lot less boring when it was happening. But, yeah, I didn't get to have a tube steak either, although I was really hoping when I was there to get a tube steak with a corn condom on it.

[1:52] You mean a corn dog.

[1:53] Yeah. But they didn't, but I didn't get one when I walked past the first place because I thought there was another one. That's a long story.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00] Well, that's like, I know Dan was searching for a sangria the entire time. And when we split up and went our separate ways, Daniel, I noticed there was a sangria stand steps away from where we had just been standing and where you just left.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] And it said, no Dan's.

[2:12] It said Dan McCoy's welcome.

[2:13] Oh, no shit.

[2:14] It was too late. It missed the opportunity.

[2:16] It was the gallon of sangria I had already had that permitted me from saying the other sangria.

[2:21] Ironic.

[2:22] Yeah.

[2:22] Ironic is what it is.

[2:24] Oh, okay.

[2:25] Oh, Henry himself could not have done better.

[2:27] You know what this month is, guys?

[2:29] What's that?

[2:31] Shocktober.

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] You mean we're on Channel 11 right now? WPIX, New York's movie station?

[2:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:38] That's a regional joke.

[2:39] And Stuart is some sort of Halloween host.

[2:43] Stuart is wearing a low-cut dress.

[2:46] Sure.

[2:47] It's very revealing.

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] Very tight around the hips.

[2:50] Uh-huh.

[2:51] And a long black wig.

[2:53] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:53] My wig is all the way down to my bottom.

[2:55] Came up out of a coffin.

[2:57] Yep.

[2:57] I did, actually.

[2:58] Mm-hmm.

[2:59] I'm still kind of covered in webs.

[3:02] Well, Stuart, as our...

Dan McCoy

[3:03] Rubber bat on a string.

[3:05] As our haunted host, would you like to introduce tonight's movie?

[3:09] Yeah, it was...

[3:10] Wait, let me check the piece of paper.

Stuart Wellington

[3:12] It was a spooky treat called The Unborn.

[3:17] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[3:18] That was pretty good.

Stuart Wellington

[3:19] I'm glad you wrote it down.

[3:20] Yeah.

[3:21] Yeah.

[3:21] Yeah, it was really scary.

Dan McCoy

[3:23] I don't know if I can explain this movie.

[3:25] Sure you can.

Stuart Wellington

[3:26] I think the movie was about, like, a Jewish demon or something.

[3:31] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] It started off being about a Jewish spirit, and then it became...

[3:35] Near the end of the movie, they made a point to say, this isn't really a Jewish spirit.

Dan McCoy

[3:39] Yeah.

[3:40] Well, you got to open it up to all sectors if you want to have a blockbuster success.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] Well, it's interesting because I came to the realization a long time ago that for most horror movies that are demon-related to work, or even bigger ones like Rosemary's Baby or The Exorcist or The Omen, you have to, for two hours, you have to say, okay, for this to be scary, I believe in the tenets of a certain kind of Catholic apocalyptic.

[4:04] Catholic.

[4:05] Catholic.

[4:06] Catholic.

[4:07] But, like, for the next two hours, I believe that the devil is real, I believe that Christ is the Lord, I believe in hell, and it was nice...

Dan McCoy

[4:16] I believe Roman Polanski didn't rape a small girl.

Elliott Kalan

[4:18] No, you can still believe that and enjoy Rosemary's Baby, but it was nice to see a movie where...

[4:23] Wait, what?

[4:24] It was nice to see a movie where...

Dan McCoy

[4:26] Sure, you haven't read the newspapers this week, I assume.

[4:29] What?

[4:30] What about...

[4:30] Wait.

[4:31] Roman Polanski did what?

Elliott Kalan

[4:33] At least, it happened 30 years ago.

[4:36] Whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[4:37] Wait, we're talking about child rape now?

[4:39] I thought we were talking about a shitty movie.

[4:39] We're not.

[4:40] Let's talk about the movie.

[4:41] Let's get off of this terrible subject that I don't know why it was brought up.

[4:45] Okay, yeah, come on.

[4:47] Let's keep it together, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] Let's go back onto...

[4:49] I mentioned Rosemary's Baby, you have to bring up the worst possible aspect of it.

[4:53] Anyway, I was just saying it was nice to see a movie where I didn't have to, as a Jewish person who doesn't believe in, you know, Christianity and all sorts,

[5:01] didn't have to decide, like, okay, I'm going to buy into this faith that I don't believe in for two hours to make the movie work for me.

[5:09] This movie didn't necessarily work for me, but the fact that it started off Jewish and then got to a point where they were like,

[5:16] this is just some kind of crazy demon.

[5:18] It probably predates religion.

[5:20] They said it was like, oh, okay, I don't have to kind of fake a belief in hell for this thing to be scary.

[5:27] Yeah.

[5:27] I was just saying that, and then Dan took it off into this...

[5:30] Oh, that's what happened.

[5:31] ...ridiculously bizarre tangent.

Stuart Wellington

[5:32] Like, I was reading a magazine over here, and Dan just took it right off the rails.

[5:36] You were trying to figure out what you were going to say next as our horror host.

[5:39] Yeah, I was writing down, like, spooky lines and crossing them out with a big magic marker.

[5:45] Yeah.

[5:46] Yeah.

[5:47] On a cue card.

[5:48] I still don't have any.

[5:49] Well...

[5:50] But maybe I'll get back to you guys.

Elliott Kalan

[5:51] Well, we can talk about what the movie was about then.

Stuart Wellington

[5:53] Okay.

[5:54] So, yeah, you want me to summarize this one?

[5:58] I'm really good at it.

[5:59] Let's see what you can do.

[6:01] Okay, the movie begins, right?

[6:03] Oh, wait.

[6:04] Why don't I take care of this?

[6:08] No, no, no.

[6:08] No, Stuart's correct so far.

[6:10] The movie did begin.

[6:11] Okay, so...

[6:13] Can't argue with that.

[6:14] Okay, guys, imagine this.

[6:15] Movie begins.

[6:16] This chick has this dream where there's, like, a crazy kid, right?

[6:19] Mm-hmm.

[6:19] And, like, a dog with a fucking mask on.

[6:21] That shit's fucking crazy.

[6:23] Mm-hmm.

[6:23] And then she goes, like, flash forward.

[6:26] It turns out that this was a dream.

[6:27] Like, at first you're like, oh, is she in, like, a magical world or something with dogs?

[6:32] Okay.

[6:34] So it turns out she's babysitting for this fucking crazy little kid who talks like that kid from

[6:38] The Sixth Sense, like a grown-up or something, and he smashes her face with a mirror.

[6:41] And he says, Jombie wants to be born.

[6:43] Yeah, Jombie.

[6:44] Or, no, it's Jumba.

[6:45] Jumbo.

[6:46] Jombie.

[6:46] That's right.

[6:47] You're thinking of Jombie from Pee-wee's Playhouse.

[6:50] Jombie wants to be born.

[6:51] So it's fucking really weird, because he totally smashes her in the face.

[6:53] And she's in the face with his mirror, and, like, nothing happens.

[6:55] She doesn't even have a mark on her face.

[6:57] Okay, so fast forward later on.

[7:00] Fast forward.

[7:00] She keeps having these fucking dreams that there's this fucking little kid in a mirror,

[7:04] and it looks like the little dead kid from, like, the little dead kid from-

[7:08] From any horror thing that has a little kid in it.

[7:11] Yeah, the devil's backbone, but with, like, an outfit on.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] It does look like the kid in the devil's backbone.

Stuart Wellington

[7:13] Yeah.

[7:14] So she's like, worried that this kid's gonna come and kill her or something.

[7:17] And then she's doing some Scooby-Doo shit and finds out that she used to, like, she had

[7:23] a twin that died in the womb and that her mom killed herself or something.

[7:26] Her mom went crazy.

[7:27] Yeah, went crazy and killed herself.

Elliott Kalan

[7:28] Her mom in a, surprisingly, it seemed Carla Gugino in a cameo, but.

[7:34] No, it was Carla Gugino.

[7:35] It was Carla Gugino?

[7:36] Yeah.

[7:37] According to the internet.

[7:38] I, you know, and so it gave Carla Gugino work, which means I like the movie to a certain

[7:43] extent already.

[7:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:44] So she finds out that this old lady at this old folks' home is her grandma, and her grandma

[7:50] tells her this crazy story about the Holocaust.

[7:54] I wasn't paying that much attention to that part.

Elliott Kalan

[7:55] When she, this old lady, she knows-

Dan McCoy

[7:57] Crazy story about the Holocaust.

[7:58] Let's make it clear that Stuart is not Holocaust denying.

[8:01] That's a-

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] This crazy story about a Holocaust of some kind?

[8:05] Whatever.

[8:07] The, this old lady, who it turns out is her grandmother, says she was a child during the

[8:13] Holocaust.

[8:13] She was twins, and she had a twin brother, and that the Nazis were obsessed with twins

[8:18] and discovering the medical secret, genetic secrets of twins, which is true to a certain

[8:22] extent, and that they were obsessed with creating blue eyes and brown-eyed kids, which I don't

[8:27] know if it's true.

[8:28] Somehow in the crazy-

[8:29] Like Kate, Kate Bosworth.

Dan McCoy

[8:31] Uh-

[8:32] They were obsessed with creating Kate Bosworth.

Elliott Kalan

[8:33] I, I guess so.

[8:35] Um.

[8:36] Sorry.

[8:37] I totally derailed you.

[8:38] Derailed me.

[8:38] Now I'm thinking about Superman Returns and how terrible it is.

[8:41] Uh.

[8:42] So they, but somehow they use experiments that are part medical, part occult.

[8:47] And through that-

[8:48] Oh, cop.

[8:51] Through that-

[8:52] Dan, you're a firecracker today.

[8:54] Through that, they somehow bring into this plane of reality a dibic, which is, or dibuk,

[9:01] as they keep saying, which is a body-

[9:03] In Jewish mysticism, it's, I guess, someone who dies.

[9:07] They don't get into heaven, so they wander the earth, unable to interact with the physical

[9:11] realm, and it's a very horrible punishment.

[9:13] Uh.

[9:14] In this, the dibuk can possess a body, possesses her brother's body after it dies from these experiments, comes back, it, he, she kills him, or he dies in the camps or something like that.

[9:26] She has a daughter.

[9:28] The daughter has twins.

[9:29] One of the twins is going to be this, possessed by this dibuk because Jumbie wants to be born.

[9:34] Sure.

[9:34] And now this thing, Jumbie, is angry at the family and wants revenge on everyone.

[9:41] So.

Stuart Wellington

[9:41] Yeah.

[9:42] Yeah.

[9:42] And that whole deal about not being able to interact with the physical world, that's crazy, man, because, like, that ghost is making her see all kinds of shit.

[9:51] She's flipping out.

[9:52] Well, it seems like at the end, they're kind of disavowing that it's a dibuk.

[9:55] Okay.

[9:56] Because, yeah, there's magic all over the place, man.

[9:58] Yeah.

[9:58] So, she enlists the aid of Gary Oldman, who's a rabbi, I guess?

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] He's the least Jewish rabbi I think I've ever seen in a movie.

[10:08] And.

[10:08] It's like if they got Mr. T to play a rabbi.

Dan McCoy

[10:11] And then, like, I think her friends start dying and stuff.

[10:14] I'm trying to imagine the yarmulke on top of Mr. T's mohawk.

Elliott Kalan

[10:18] It would fit on top.

[10:19] It would be kind of floating above his head because of that.

[10:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:21] Yeah.

[10:22] With, like, magical powers.

[10:23] Like a beast.

[10:24] Mm-hmm.

[10:25] And then they get Idris Elba.

[10:27] Who is an Episcopal priest who also plays basketball.

Dan McCoy

[10:30] Obsessed Idris Elba.

[10:32] Prom Nights.

[10:33] Yeah, I was going to say Idris Elba.

Elliott Kalan

[10:33] Which means, you were saying, you think he's now been in as many Flophouse movies as Nicolas Cage?

[10:38] I think so.

Dan McCoy

[10:38] What about Jessica Biel?

[10:39] She was in a lot of them.

[10:40] Yeah.

[10:41] She's been in a bunch.

[10:42] Jessica Alba?

[10:43] I think that no one has been in more than three.

[10:45] And I think that Jessica Alba has been in three.

[10:47] I think Nick Cage has been in three.

[10:48] I think Idris Elba.

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] If this podcast was written by David Goyer, like the movie we watched was tonight, we would

[10:54] explain how the number three is important because it's relation to some kind of shit I just

[11:00] read in a book.

Elliott Kalan

[11:01] Yeah.

[11:01] Three represents the trinity.

[11:03] In Buddhism, it's also blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:05] Yeah.

[11:06] That's good writing.

[11:08] Because me, a dude watching a horror movie, needs to find out why the number 10 is important

[11:12] in a fucking exorcism ritual.

Elliott Kalan

[11:14] He's just, and this other thing is, Gary Oldman says, 10 is the number of such and such

[11:19] is in the such and such and the blah, blahs and the things.

[11:22] All he has to say, there's really no reason there has to be 10 for this bullshit ceremony,

[11:26] but all he has to say is, you need 10 people, you need 10 men to make a minion.

[11:30] That's a Jewish prayer group.

[11:31] You need 10 men.

[11:32] Done.

[11:32] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[11:33] Okay, great.

[11:33] And you need some extra bodies around when the demon shows up and starts totally acing

[11:38] them all.

[11:38] That's the real reason.

Dan McCoy

[11:39] So someone can get killed that's not our hero.

Elliott Kalan

[11:41] So they go back to the decrepit, abandoned hospital that her mother died in because I

[11:45] guess it's just open to the public in the middle of the night.

Dan McCoy

[11:48] It's a historical landmark.

[11:51] Sure.

[11:51] It looks like they haven't cleaned the place in 70 years.

Elliott Kalan

[11:55] But they have this exorcism ceremony one by one.

Stuart Wellington

[11:58] Everybody's getting killed.

[11:59] Yep.

[11:59] Everybody's getting crossed out.

[12:01] And Gary Oldman wakes up the demon by blowing this giant bedazzled shofar.

Elliott Kalan

[12:06] It's a shofar, but it's covered in red sequins.

[12:09] I'm striped.

[12:10] It is the gayest, most flamboyant shofar I've ever seen.

[12:13] And the horn is enormous.

[12:15] Yeah.

[12:15] It looks like he got it off of some sort of elk.

[12:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:19] And then the demon shows up.

[12:20] It likes big shofars.

[12:23] It waxes a couple dudes and then jumps into Idris Elba's body.

[12:26] He fights a little.

[12:27] And he runs around like he got the rage virus injected into his bloodstream.

[12:31] Mm-hmm.

[12:32] And then he gets killed.

[12:33] And then her boyfriend gets possessed.

[12:36] And then somehow she manages to grab the perfect page that allows her to finish the ceremony.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] Oh, from this book that she looks up.

[12:43] That explodes.

[12:44] This book fucking explodes.

[12:45] She needs earlier in the movie, I guess the old lady tells her to get the Book of Shadows.

[12:50] Or Book of Mirrors.

[12:51] The Book of Mirrors.

[12:53] Flare Witch 2.

[12:54] And she goes to the library.

[12:56] Check it out.

[12:57] She goes to the-

Dan McCoy

[12:57] Wait, she gets the President's Book of Secrets?

Elliott Kalan

[12:59] No, not the Black Book.

[13:00] Only the President is allowed to see that book.

[13:01] No.

[13:02] She goes to the library.

[13:03] I'm going to have to become the President.

[13:05] I wish that was the plot of that movie.

[13:07] National Treasure 2.

[13:10] Run for the White House.

[13:12] But she goes to the library.

[13:14] She types into the regular card catalog computer, Book of Mirrors.

[13:18] The entry comes up for this-

[13:20] Trying to keep herself going.

[13:21] For this 400, 500-year-old Hebraic tome of Kabbalistic secrets.

[13:26] With a fucking lock on it.

[13:27] And they let her take it to look at in the reference room.

[13:30] And she just picks it up and walks out with it.

[13:33] And it's ridiculous.

[13:34] Like, that book should not be in the digitized catalog.

Stuart Wellington

[13:37] And the weirdest thing is when she goes up to talk to Gary Oldman, he's like-

Dan McCoy

[13:40] Running all over the place if you just let that circulate.

Stuart Wellington

[13:43] Yeah.

[13:43] And Gary Oldman was even like, where did you get this?

[13:46] Like, she got it at the fucking library.

[13:48] They just had it.

[13:48] Like, she didn't even try.

[13:50] Like, she didn't even have to pull in, like, I don't know, all of her credit-

[13:53] Or, like, street favors.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] Well, they didn't even need to, like, use an intralibrary loan to get it from, you know,

[13:58] the Yeshiva University library.

[14:00] I just-

Dan McCoy

[14:00] You know, I feel like the listener at home's head is spinning thinking that this must be the-

[14:06] Because they're possessed by a demon.

[14:08] Thinking that this is the most complex movie.

[14:10] And I can just boil it down.

[14:12] Basically, there's a possessing spirit.

[14:15] It's been bedeviling this family for, like, three generations.

[14:19] And now it's trying to possess the youngest female member of the family.

Elliott Kalan

[14:23] Yes, because Jumbie wants to be born.

[14:25] Yeah.

[14:25] And Jumbo.

[14:26] No, Jumbo.

[14:27] Jumbo was a famous elephant.

Dan McCoy

[14:28] And the Holocaust is thrown in there just to make it more distasteful.

[14:32] Yeah, that was-

Elliott Kalan

[14:33] There were a lot of genuinely creepy images in this, and then they had to throw in the Holocaust,

[14:37] and it makes everything-

[14:39] It makes you angry at them for doing it.

Stuart Wellington

[14:42] To remind you of something that's genuinely horrible as opposed to just crappy and tawdry.

Dan McCoy

[14:46] On the other hand, Gary Oldman is in a yarmulke.

[14:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:50] Which was great.

[14:51] Which is-

[14:52] Oh, no.

[14:53] Saves the movie.

[14:53] Certainly.

[14:54] There's a great scene-

[14:55] Makes the movie worthwhile.

[14:57] There's a great scene where he shouts at a dog with an upside-down head.

[15:00] I like that.

[15:01] What does he say?

[15:02] Does he say, like, don't paw the furniture-

[15:04] He's just, get out of here.

[15:05] Yeah, he's like, get out of here!

[15:07] And when they're in this, like, really weird, uh, what was that, like, a theater?

[15:10] It looked like an abandoned theater space in his synagogue.

[15:13] With, like, paper flying all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] Yeah.

[15:16] There's a lot of paper flying around.

[15:17] This movie was big on winds blowing paper around, yeah.

[15:20] But there were some genuinely neat images.

Stuart Wellington

[15:23] There were some cool effects, like weird mouth effects.

[15:26] Well, we'll get to the final judgment.

[15:27] Sure.

[15:28] Later.

[15:29] Yeah.

[15:29] There was a lot of, uh, surprise shots of a ghost kid with a giant mouth clawing at people.

Elliott Kalan

[15:36] It got to a point where, like, she-

[15:38] There were so many surprise shots of this ghost kid attacking the main hero, heroine, that you-

[15:44] You got to the point where you're like, she must be used to it by now.

[15:47] Yeah.

[15:47] Certainly, she just does-

[15:48] She just takes it in stride that this ghost kid is appearing before her.

Stuart Wellington

[15:50] She would start getting pissed off.

[15:52] And the thing is, like, this ghost kid shows up and just totally starts smoking people.

[15:56] Like, he's like, oh, you're flying around.

[15:58] I'm killing you.

[15:58] Oh, now you fold in half.

[16:00] Like, he's super magic.

[16:01] Yeah.

[16:01] Why the fuck did he, like, beat around the bush this long?

[16:04] Well, that's one of the things about this kind of-

[16:05] That's the problem with all ghost movies.

Elliott Kalan

[16:06] Yeah.

[16:07] The ghosts don't make themselves clear.

[16:09] Yeah.

[16:09] And why, if he has these powers, doesn't he go straight for the person he wants to kill as opposed to everyone else?

Stuart Wellington

[16:16] Yeah.

[16:16] Why does he wait?

Elliott Kalan

[16:17] I mean, is it like a hubris or something?

[16:19] It does allow us to have one of the greatest car crashes or one of the greatest car hits I've ever seen in a movie.

[16:25] Her best friend, Romy, is driving around just bopping to music and suddenly out of nowhere-

Stuart Wellington

[16:32] Music that's played at a very sensible volume.

[16:35] Yes.

[16:35] She's checking blocks.

[16:36] She's not distracted at all.

Elliott Kalan

[16:38] She's driving very well and slowly on a deserted suburban street.

Dan McCoy

[16:42] Hands of 10-2.

[16:43] Gently nodding her head to the music.

[16:45] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[16:45] And this is the kid who hit the main character in the face with the mirror earlier has become kind of the Dybbuk's main go-to body to possess.

Dan McCoy

[16:54] Because if you're going to possess a body, why not a small child?

Elliott Kalan

[16:57] Why not the least powerful?

[16:58] The strength of a small child.

[17:00] Yep.

[17:01] It really doesn't make sense why he would go for such an unthreatening figure.

[17:05] She's driving and he's on his big wheel trike and out of nowhere just zooms in front of the car.

[17:12] Not even in front of the car.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] He's like riding on the heel, like the side of the road.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] He seems to be coming at the car almost at a side angle, like perpendicular to the road.

Stuart Wellington

[17:21] And the shot from the windshield makes it look like she's driving right off the road.

Elliott Kalan

[17:26] And he is hit in such a way that he flips up over the back of the car and when she goes around, he's just standing up fine, no problem, and says something threatening to her.

Stuart Wellington

[17:37] But it just comes out of nowhere and looks so silly.

[17:40] It was great.

[17:41] He'd probably go under the car.

[17:42] I mean, he doesn't have a very large profile.

Elliott Kalan

[17:45] No, he would be crushed by the car.

[17:47] Sure.

[17:47] There's no way that he's tall enough that the part of the body that needs to be hit for him to flip in the air is getting hit.

Stuart Wellington

[17:53] I mean, it's funny that he flipped up over the car.

Elliott Kalan

[17:55] No, it made it better, certainly.

[17:57] But the way he comes in on the trike, it seems very clear to me that he has a computer effect that was kind of added in.

[18:04] So it almost looks like they shot this footage of Romy driving around and they're like, we better scare up this footage.

[18:10] Oh, well, we'll just insert the kid, you know, driving into the car.

Stuart Wellington

[18:14] Good stuff.

[18:16] And funny enough, spoiler alert, guys, it's that little kid ends up stabbing Romy to death with a knife later on.

Dan McCoy

[18:22] And Michelle had to live her days out alone.

Stuart Wellington

[18:25] Yeah, no one to go to the high school reunion with.

[18:27] It's very sad.

[18:29] Everybody lives in really big, nice houses in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] Yeah, they live in a...

[18:33] Some of them live in castles.

[18:35] Castles, houses.

Stuart Wellington

[18:37] Like a palatial estate.

[18:38] I think they're all heiresses.

Elliott Kalan

[18:40] It's possible.

[18:41] That's not scary.

Dan McCoy

[18:42] There's a lot of sort of vagueness in this movie.

[18:45] Like, I was never clear on how old our heroine was supposed to be because she comes home at the beginning of the movie from babysitting the neighbor's kid.

[18:54] And having an adventure in that.

[18:56] Yeah.

[18:57] Saying hi to her dad before she goes to bed.

[19:00] And then in the next few scenes, she's going to what appears to be a college class.

[19:05] And then, like, having sex with her boyfriend in her room.

[19:08] And just, like, not even, like, hiding that at all.

Elliott Kalan

[19:11] The dad is not a good dad.

[19:12] The dad seems to disappear for most of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[19:15] Man, they don't really have sex.

[19:16] You just see her, like, lying on his naked chest.

[19:18] They could have just had handjobs or something.

[19:19] But I guess that's sex, you know.

[19:21] It's implied that they had sex.

[19:22] Had handjobs.

[19:22] They just shared some handjobs.

[19:25] They had the menu.

[19:26] Yes, I look at the menu.

[19:27] I got a six-pack of handjobs.

[19:29] I'm not going to finish it myself.

[19:30] Do you want to finish it with me?

[19:31] How much are the handjobs?

[19:33] They look reasonable.

[19:34] So, but, I mean, I know, guys, handjobs, still sex.

[19:38] Okay.

[19:39] You know what I mean?

[19:39] I mean, it's still intimate contact.

[19:40] But, like, I'm just trying to clarify so the viewer's not like, oh, wait, there's a sex scene in this.

[19:44] Maybe I'll watch it because there isn't.

[19:45] No, there is not.

Dan McCoy

[19:46] There's not the implication of a sex scene.

[19:48] Let me tell you that, you know, we are all human men.

[19:51] We are three.

[19:52] What?

[19:52] Human males.

[19:53] As far as you know.

[19:54] Healthy human males.

[19:55] Sure.

[19:56] Varying degrees of health.

[19:57] We have to admit that one thing that drew us to this movie above all other Shocktober options was the fact that the poster for this film unabashedly featured the lead female backside in very trim cotton panties.

[20:16] Yeah.

[20:17] As she looked into the mirror and, like, there was the horrible kid looking.

[20:21] Jumbo or whatever.

[20:23] Jumbo.

[20:23] Jumbo is a famous elephant.

[20:25] And I was saying, you know, ahead of time, like, oh, you know, this is just a come on, you know, like.

[20:30] Surely that scene won't appear.

[20:32] It's an exploitation film.

[20:32] Yeah, they're not going to have a scene in the movie where the heroine is in her panties.

[20:37] But it's.

[20:37] It's right there.

[20:38] There's like five.

[20:39] There's like five of them.

[20:40] The woman just keeps going back into the bathroom.

[20:43] It's like Austin Translation.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] Yeah.

[20:45] When she is by herself, the pants go off.

[20:48] And she stares into her bathroom mirror.

[20:51] I heard that.

[20:51] But, again, and this is going to sound crass of me.

[20:54] They obviously did some retouching on her unsaid backside in the poster.

[20:59] Yeah.

[20:59] It's noticeably shapelier.

Stuart Wellington

[21:01] Yeah, you were very openly disappointed about her backside in the film.

Elliott Kalan

[21:04] Yeah, I kicked over a table.

[21:06] Yep.

[21:06] I was disappointed.

Dan McCoy

[21:07] Shirley Elliott.

[21:08] I had to hold you back.

[21:09] Well, they promised.

[21:10] Shirley Elliott, there would never be a horror movie poster that promises more than the film delivers.

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] I'm just saying the poster promised a certain amount of shapeliness.

[21:19] You've got Carla Gugino in the film.

[21:21] Right.

[21:21] She could very easily use a stunt backside for the main character.

[21:25] All right.

Dan McCoy

[21:26] Well, maybe Elliott Kalin's The Unborn.

[21:29] You can make it the way you want to make it.

[21:30] Oh, if only.

[21:31] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:32] Elliott Kalin's The Unborn would be a very different movie.

[21:34] Let's hear about it.

[21:35] Yeah, what's the deal there?

[21:36] Well, for one thing, a whole lot more Jewish stuff.

[21:39] Yeah.

[21:40] Every one of the movies is Jewish.

[21:41] It takes place during Fiddler on the Roof times.

[21:43] So it's in the shtetl in Russia.

[21:45] Sure.

[21:46] Pale of Settlement.

[21:47] And it's the same basic plot otherwise.

[21:50] And they break out into song every couple of minutes.

[21:52] Same actors, though, right?

[21:54] No, different actors.

[21:55] Topol.

[21:57] Let's see.

[21:57] Who else?

[21:59] Who'd play Romy?

[21:59] The rest of the cast of Fiddler on the Roof.

[22:03] That's the best you can do.

[22:06] Well, I don't really have other Jewish actors.

[22:09] Who'd play Jambi?

[22:11] Jambi.

[22:13] I think I'd get Wallace Shawn, probably, yeah.

[22:17] How much better would the movie have been if it was Wallace Shawn saying,

[22:20] Jambi wants to be born!

[22:22] Yeah.

[22:22] Like that.

Dan McCoy

[22:23] Speaking of Jambi, is Mechalechahai, Mechahainio Hebrew?

[22:27] I don't believe so.

[22:28] Okay.

[22:29] I don't believe so.

[22:30] There's not a lot of Hebrew genies.

Elliott Kalan

[22:32] No, they tend to be Arab.

[22:34] Conflicting.

[22:36] But the, what's, she looks into a lot of mirrors in this.

[22:40] She's always looking into things she shouldn't.

[22:42] And there's a scene where she's in the bathroom of the club she went to.

[22:45] And as Stuart pointed out, she is looking in a mirror again.

[22:50] She knows mirrors are scary.

[22:51] She looks in another one.

[22:52] It scares her.

[22:53] She's throwing up at a fright.

[22:55] And there's very clearly a glory hole in the wall of the urinal.

[22:58] Yeah, it's openly a glory hole.

[22:59] And she starts moving towards it very slowly.

[23:02] Yeah, putting her eye up to the glory hole.

[23:04] Putting her eye up to it.

[23:04] And you know something scary is going to come out of it.

[23:06] In this case, it's a whole lot of bugs and, like, shit.

Stuart Wellington

[23:08] Yeah, but she's not even, like, goes to the opposite side of the fucking thing and get closer.

Dan McCoy

[23:12] Best case scenario, it's going to be a penis coming out of her eye, though.

Stuart Wellington

[23:15] She slides her fucking head along the same wall and, like, gets as close as possible.

Elliott Kalan

[23:21] And I thought it was refreshing to see a horror film that uses a glory hole for whatever reason.

[23:26] It took me back to my days of using any of the public bathrooms at the NYU campus

[23:32] and realizing that people had made those holes into the dividers.

Stuart Wellington

[23:36] Wow.

[23:37] On a non-glory hole-related note, I did want to correct what you said,

[23:41] was that you said that she started vomiting because she was sick.

[23:45] She was actually vomiting because she's pregnant with twins.

[23:48] Oh, that's right, which we find out later.

[23:49] One of which is going to be Jumbo Jr. or whatever.

[23:51] That's the secret.

Elliott Kalan

[23:52] Jumbo Jr.

[23:53] The best hot dog brand in town.

[23:55] Jumbo Jr. hot dogs.

[23:58] That's the secret surprise shock ending at the end,

[24:00] which is told in super flash cut scenes,

[24:03] is that she's pregnant with twins, buh-buh-bum, one of them's probably Jumby.

Stuart Wellington

[24:08] And you're supposed to, the audience member, feel stupid for not having seen all the signs,

[24:11] rather than like me and not caring.

Elliott Kalan

[24:13] Well, what were the other signs?

[24:15] She had sex.

Dan McCoy

[24:16] Yeah, sure.

[24:17] That's how it works.

[24:18] That's true.

[24:20] She kept eating pickles and ice cream together.

Elliott Kalan

[24:23] But the image of those fetuses that they're showing are very well developed.

[24:27] Like, she should know.

[24:29] They're saying, they're like, you're pregnant with twins.

[24:32] And the image, they already have fingers.

[24:34] Like one of them winked or something, right?

[24:35] I don't think, they would have been great if it did.

[24:37] But they already have fingers and faces.

[24:38] Like, she's really far along.

Stuart Wellington

[24:41] Yeah.

[24:41] Like, possibly, like, the fetus turns and winks and it cuts immediately to like, like a heavy metal, like, like, screen.

[24:49] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[24:51] You gotta have, like a David, like a, like a Sammy Hagar screen in there.

[24:55] And then the credits, they're graphics.

[24:57] The unborn flashes.

Elliott Kalan

[24:59] They're graphics, like, while the credits are rolling in the middle, maybe on the sides, they're animated graphics of the evil fetus, like, appearing and looking around.

[25:06] And then running off to the side of the screen and then showing up with a guitar.

[25:10] Wearing, like, a little tuxedo or something?

[25:11] Yes.

[25:12] Wearing a tuxedo and holding a cigar.

[25:15] And Converse shoes.

Dan McCoy

[25:16] Sure.

[25:17] Dancing in Ally McBeat.

[25:18] Tails.

[25:19] Tails.

[25:20] Tails, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:20] Of course.

[25:21] Yeah.

[25:21] Like a Baron Samity style figure.

[25:24] She's given.

Dan McCoy

[25:25] Wait, she's giving birth to the new year?

[25:28] Is that what's going on?

[25:29] Kind of, yeah.

[25:30] Basically, yeah, baby new year.

Stuart Wellington

[25:32] But he's also a skeleton face.

[25:35] Yeah, like Baron Samity.

Elliott Kalan

[25:36] Yeah.

[25:37] So basically, the unborn is about unborn babies.

Dan McCoy

[25:41] It's a pro-abortion.

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] It is a very seriously pro-

[25:45] I assumed it was about an aborted baby that wanted to live and was coming back for revenge.

[25:50] It is not.

[25:50] Yeah.

[25:51] It is saying you should abort your children because they will be evil.

Dan McCoy

[25:54] Yeah, get rid of them shits.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] Yeah.

[25:56] Because the only other-

[25:56] You never know.

Dan McCoy

[25:57] They might be a Dybbuk.

[25:58] You don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[25:58] There is a Dybbuk inside you, which is not how Dybbuk's work.

[26:01] But it still, it could be-

Stuart Wellington

[26:02] The only other child in this film is a fucking, like, a little demon vessel.

[26:06] Like, all kids.

[26:08] No way.

[26:09] No way.

Stuart Wellington

[26:09] No way.

[26:09] Get rid of them.

Elliott Kalan

[26:09] Yeah, it's an anti-kids movie.

[26:11] Yeah.

[26:11] Unlike the movie Kids, which is pro-kids.

[26:13] Yeah.

[26:14] Pro-kids.

[26:15] It's pro-kids.

[26:16] Pro-kids sneakers?

[26:18] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[26:19] It's pro-roos.

[26:21] Those sneakers that had little pockets in them.

[26:24] Mm-hmm.

[26:24] Oh, sure.

[26:25] Big enough to put, like, a penny in.

Elliott Kalan

[26:27] Kids don't have a lot to carry around with them.

[26:29] Sure.

[26:29] Nowadays, all those kids have those-

[26:31] You look like a skipping stone.

[26:31] Wear those Heelys with the wheel in them.

[26:34] I wish I had those when I was a kid.

[26:35] I would have hurt myself so bad on those.

[26:37] They would have been awesome.

[26:39] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] I dream of children hurting themselves while wearing those, actually.

[26:43] They're not, like, sexual dreams or anything.

[26:45] They're just, you know-

[26:46] Well, any-

Elliott Kalan

[26:46] Freud would say every dream has a sexual element.

[26:49] Oh, interesting.

[26:50] Yeah.

[26:50] But he was a pervert.

Stuart Wellington

[26:51] Should we talk about that more?

[26:53] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] Well, Sigmund Freud was one of the great minds of the late 19th, early 20th century.

[26:57] Oh!

Stuart Wellington

[26:59] The guy, he was in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, right?

[27:01] He was in that, yes.

[27:02] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] And also, The 7% Solution.

[27:04] Sure, sure.

[27:05] Where he treats Sherlock Holmes in the most boring way possible.

[27:08] Hey.

[27:08] That's a boring movie.

Stuart Wellington

[27:09] That's a boring movie.

[27:10] It's a good book, though.

[27:11] I've never read the book.

[27:12] I'm sure it's good.

[27:12] The movie is boring.

[27:13] I think Kelsey Grammer would make a good Sigmund Freud in a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:16] If there was a sitcom about Freud.

[27:18] Yeah.

[27:18] And it was called, like, On the Couch.

[27:19] Dude, let's write that sitcom.

Stuart Wellington

[27:21] I think that would be fun.

[27:22] Because Hank is going to be canceled.

[27:23] Canceled.

[27:24] You know, so.

[27:24] And he's going to be free, I bet.

[27:25] Yeah.

[27:26] McHale's Navy 2 is not starting filming for another year.

[27:29] That was up Periscope.

[27:30] Or down Periscope.

[27:31] That Periscope movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:31] McHale's Navy starred Tom Arnold.

[27:33] Tom Arnold, Bruce Campbell, and Tim Curry.

[27:36] Come on.

[27:38] What?

[27:38] Get your bad Mabel film stream.

[27:40] Come on.

[27:41] And don't even get mixed up with Sergeant Bilko.

[27:43] That was Steve Martin playing Phil Silvers.

Dan McCoy

[27:46] Phil Hartman?

[27:46] The late Phil Hartman in one of his final roles?

[27:48] Wait, Phil Hartman died?

Stuart Wellington

[27:51] I'm going to start reading these celebrity newspapers.

[27:54] Yeah, you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[27:54] He died about 12 years ago.

Dan McCoy

[27:56] These celebrity newspapers that all the celebrities get.

Elliott Kalan

[27:59] The celebrity newspapers called newspapers.

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] First Roman Polanski.

[28:06] Now Phil Hartman.

[28:07] You are way behind.

Elliott Kalan

[28:10] What was the last celebrity news story you heard?

[28:13] How up to date are you?

[28:15] Was it about Tyrone Power?

Stuart Wellington

[28:17] Didn't one of the members of TLC burn down Andre Risen's house?

[28:22] Okay.

[28:22] Well, that was about 10 years ago.

[28:24] I think time's all out of joint.

[28:26] Like a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Elliott Kalan

[28:28] You're like Billy Pilgrim.

[28:29] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[28:30] I'm stuck in time.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] Yeah.

[28:32] You're living all of the worst celebrity scandals all at once.

Dan McCoy

[28:36] That sounds like me.

Elliott Kalan

[28:38] You go from reading about Roman Polanski to talking to Fatty Arbuckle.

[28:42] To watching John Wilkes Booth kill the president.

Dan McCoy

[28:45] Wow.

[28:45] What?

[28:45] I don't know if that's a celebrity scandal.

Elliott Kalan

[28:48] He was a celebrity.

[28:49] Yeah, but I don't know.

[28:50] Wait, a president?

[28:51] Is there else you're saying that it wasn't scandalous?

[28:53] I think it goes beyond a scandal.

[28:54] It was not a controversial move to shoot the president in the head?

[28:58] Wow.

[28:59] Dan in a strangely pro-Lincoln assassination stance.

[29:02] I just don't think that public opinion is the important thing in that case.

[29:04] It's like I don't even know you anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[29:06] He keeps talking about rape.

[29:07] The death of the president.

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] You better believe John Wilkes Booth's agent was on the phone with him saying you've ruined your career.

[29:13] We've got to do some serious damage control, babe.

Dan McCoy

[29:14] Yeah, his name was Mud.

[29:16] Eh?

[29:17] Eh?

Elliott Kalan

[29:18] Eh?

[29:18] Mud was a different person who deserved what he got.

Stuart Wellington

[29:21] Okay.

[29:22] So, thanks for taking me through the history books, guys.

[29:26] Yep.

[29:27] It was a kaleidoscopic version of American history.

[29:31] Yep.

[29:32] So, back to the business at hand, you know what I mean?

[29:36] Yep.

[29:37] We're talking about the unborn, and I think it might be time for final judgments, unless we want to talk about glory holes and demons more.

[29:44] Well, no.

[29:45] I don't think so.

[29:45] Okay, so final judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[29:46] We did not talk too much about the demon scenes, which were pretty cool.

Stuart Wellington

[29:50] Which, like, with the scary face effects?

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] Yeah, scary faces and bugs everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[29:54] Yeah, I mean, they use that, like, uh, that editing style with the really jittery and flashy, and there's, like, dudes whose heads turn upside down.

Elliott Kalan

[30:03] I mean, it was better than normal in the movies we've seen.

[30:06] I mean, wait, like, compared to what?

[30:08] Like, compared to what?

[30:09] Mirrors?

Dan McCoy

[30:10] Yeah, basically.

[30:11] Well, yeah, that's fair.

[30:12] But that didn't make it good.

[30:13] But Mirrors had that great twist ending, so that made everything okay.

[30:17] What?

[30:18] Twist ending at the end of Mirrors?

Elliott Kalan

[30:19] You know, where he ends up stuck in the mirror world.

[30:22] Wait, what movie was this?

Stuart Wellington

[30:24] This is in Mirrors.

[30:25] What?

[30:25] It's Keeper Sutherland.

[30:26] Keeper Sutherland.

[30:27] I watched, wait, in that movie?

Elliott Kalan

[30:29] That happened?

[30:30] Yes.

[30:30] At the end of that, he ends up in a mirror world.

[30:31] He's stuck in the mirror.

[30:33] What are you talking about?

[30:35] It's the twist ending.

[30:37] Get out of here.

[30:37] That didn't happen.

[30:38] And that was a Flophouse classic redux.

[30:41] Hey, okay.

[30:43] We're back.

[30:44] So Final Judgments, is that what we're doing?

[30:45] Yeah, let's do it.

Dan McCoy

[30:46] Final Judgments.

[30:48] So the special Shocktober categories for Final Judgments is...

[30:52] Uh-oh, that we will forget instantly.

Stuart Wellington

[30:54] You're outdoing me again.

[30:55] Was this movie...

[30:56] Yeah, weren't you the horror host?

[30:57] I'm terrible at this job.

Dan McCoy

[30:59] Was this movie totally scarifying?

[31:03] Frighteningly funny?

[31:04] Or totally snorifying?

[31:07] Stewart.

Stuart Wellington

[31:10] Put a lot of work into this.

[31:11] Yeah, I'm gonna go...

[31:12] You know what?

[31:13] I think I'm gonna go frighteningly funny?

[31:16] It was, you know, it was shitty, but there was, you know, there was some white cotton panties

[31:21] and upside down head demons and, uh...

[31:23] Kids on...

[31:24] Sure.

[31:24] Yeah, kids getting run over by cars.

[31:27] Yeah, no, there was some laughs to be had.

[31:29] So, yeah, the unborn.

[31:31] Give it a watch, huh?

Dan McCoy

[31:32] Yeah, I, you know, if I was gonna be charitable, I'd say frighteningly funny.

[31:37] I mean, it is a trim 88 minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[31:39] Shorter than the movie 88 minutes.

[31:41] Yeah.

[31:42] By like 80 minutes.

Dan McCoy

[31:43] But there was also a lot of stuff that just, I don't know, there was like just a lot of

[31:47] slow parts.

[31:48] And I was saying during the movie that I hate, uh, the trend in modern horror movies

[31:53] to have it be a mystery as well.

[31:55] Like, a bunch of scary stuff happens and then our hero or heroine has to track down why all

[32:02] this scary stuff is happening by piecing together the events of the past.

[32:05] Like, I would rather there be a, uh, situation given and our hero have to deal with that than,

[32:12] um, to try and add some sort of mysterious obfuscation.

[32:18] I don't know if I'm saying that word correctly.

[32:20] Sure.

[32:20] Kinda.

Elliott Kalan

[32:21] It's pronounced obfuscation.

[32:23] I see.

Dan McCoy

[32:24] You know, try and spice it up.

[32:25] I think it's enough that, like, horrible things are happening without the mystery element.

Elliott Kalan

[32:29] Well, you're an old schooler guy.

[32:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:32] But, yeah, I, I, I think it's a little snorifying.

[32:34] But there are some frighteningly funny parts.

Elliott Kalan

[32:37] I am gonna go with Stuart on this one and say frighteningly funny.

[32:40] Again, it was very short.

[32:42] Uh, I actually enjoyed some of the scare scenes, although they were kind of by the numbers.

[32:46] The rest of it is very bad, but, uh, there were some funny parts and it's short, like

[32:50] I said.

[32:51] There's a little kid getting hit by a car, Dan.

[32:53] Alright, two against one.

[32:54] Scene is very funny.

[32:55] Frighteningly so.

[32:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:59] Oh, man, so the decision's been made.

[33:01] Maybe it was-

[33:01] Judgment has been handed down.

[33:02] Yeah, by the judge gods.

Elliott Kalan

[33:04] Maybe it's just that the last couple movies we've seen have been so bad, this one was

[33:08] a breath of crap air.

Dan McCoy

[33:10] Sure.

[33:10] Yeah.

[33:10] Well, I guess you have, uh, handed down the law.

[33:13] Yeah.

[33:14] Yeah, the Torah.

[33:14] Ape shall not kill ape.

Elliott Kalan

[33:15] If you-

[33:16] Oh, you mean real law.

[33:17] Yeah.

[33:17] Like the Ten Commandments.

[33:18] I think they meant, like, ape law.

[33:21] Ape shall not kill ape.

[33:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:23] Shall ape kill human?

[33:24] I thought about-

[33:25] You're late.

[33:26] I thought about going to, uh, ape law school to study ape law for a while.

[33:31] Not as much of a call for it as there once was.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] No.

[33:34] I deal mostly with ape family law.

[33:37] You know, estate planning, things like that.

[33:40] Minor lawsuits.

Dan McCoy

[33:41] Ape custody suits.

Elliott Kalan

[33:44] Ape immigration law.

[33:45] Ape intellectual property theft.

[33:47] Ape intellectual property theft.

[33:50] That was Bobo's stick.

[33:53] You stole it, Coco.

[33:57] All right.

[33:59] Um-

[33:59] This is a surprisingly, uh, fertile vein.

[34:02] Anyway, you're saying.

[34:03] So, I have in my hand a letter.

Dan McCoy

[34:07] Oh, really?

[34:09] That's what that is.

[34:10] It's, uh, it's from Colin, last name withheld.

[34:14] And the subject-

[34:14] That's family.

[34:15] It's huge.

[34:16] Subject heading is-

[34:16] Last name withhelds.

[34:17] Here comes Peter Floppentail.

[34:20] And he says-

[34:21] He says, I am a Nigerian prince.

[34:24] Colin, I wish you could see Stuart's face when I read the subject heading.

[34:29] But he says-

[34:31] Have you ever seen Edvard Munch's The Scream?

Stuart Wellington

[34:34] That's pretty much it.

[34:35] Wait, the movie The Scream?

[34:37] No, not-

[34:38] It's not a movie.

[34:39] Oh, right, that painting.

Elliott Kalan

[34:41] The painting.

[34:41] Or inflatable thing that you see in dorms.

[34:44] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[34:44] But this gentleman says,

[34:46] Colin, last name withheld.

[34:47] He says,

[34:47] Hello, fellas.

[34:49] I continue to love the podcast and eagerly await each new episode.

[34:53] Thank you.

[34:54] But I think you've been remiss for the last two years of flop history.

[34:56] What?

[34:57] You've not had a gimmick episode.

[35:00] Everyone remembers the must-see TV night where all of the New York-based shows except Seinfeld were in electrical blackout.

[35:06] Why not then-

[35:06] That's right, because Seinfeld is in L.A., New York.

[35:08] Yeah.

[35:09] Why not then an episode while the Flophouse crew take on each other's personalities?

[35:14] Or an episode where your respective Flophouse significant others portray Dan Stewart and Elliot?

[35:20] Or an episode of the Flophouse 2020?

[35:23] No?

[35:24] No?

[35:24] Okay.

[35:25] Well, I've been meaning to provide you guys with the link on my somewhat popular movie monologue site.

[35:29] You can view it here at, and he gives the address, which I will post on the blog.

[35:34] Perhaps it will prove helpful in getting the word out in regard to the Flophouse.

[35:37] Now, I don't know if this is a contest entry for the Flop of the Floppers.

[35:41] It could be.

[35:42] Promote us.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] Through lack of entries, it might be drafted as one.

Dan McCoy

[35:45] Yeah.

[35:46] But it was nice of him to post our link, and he says some kind words on his website.

[35:54] Yeah.

[35:54] That's very nice.

[35:55] I think about these gimmick episode ideas, though.

[35:57] Yeah.

[35:58] I like future us.

[35:59] Yeah.

[36:00] Flophouse 2020 sounds pretty cool.

[36:01] Wait.

[36:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] That's a couple of years from now.

[36:04] Oh, or is it that one of us is Hugh Downs and one of us is Barbara Walters?

[36:08] Oh, I like that.

[36:08] And we're talking about stories you wouldn't see in the mainstream, in the nightly news,

[36:12] but that you should know about.

Dan McCoy

[36:13] Yeah, I think that sounds pretty good.

[36:15] I couldn't think of something that our significant others would be less interested in than doing

[36:20] a bad movie broadcast.

[36:21] I was thinking the same thing.

[36:23] They'd probably get bored.

[36:24] Yeah.

[36:25] They would be...

Stuart Wellington

[36:26] They're talking about lady stuff.

[36:27] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] They'd probably talk about dirty dancing or something.

[36:29] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[36:30] Like a cute boy they saw one time or...

[36:33] That's what girls talk about.

[36:34] Yeah.

[36:35] Or like new...

[36:36] Like that bump it thing they saw on TV.

[36:38] He was wearing a white dress.

Elliott Kalan

[36:38] He was carrying a white parasol.

[36:41] Exactly.

[36:41] I didn't see him for a minute.

[36:43] He didn't see me at all.

[36:44] But I bet a month hasn't gone by since.

[36:46] I haven't thought of that boy.

[36:47] That's right.

[36:48] That's what women are like.

[36:48] They're like Bernstein from Citizen Kane.

[36:51] They're just like Everett Sloan in Citizen Kane.

[36:53] Yeah.

[36:53] What was the other one?

[36:54] It was 2020.

[36:55] It's like, oh, we take each other's personalities.

Dan McCoy

[36:57] Yeah, I think that that would just devolve into insulting each other.

[37:00] Probably.

[37:00] I'd be like Stuart and I'd be like, hey dudes, I've got a big penis.

[37:06] Elliot would be like, I'm Dan, stay on topic.

[37:10] I don't know.

[37:11] We'd get angry at each other.

[37:13] Probably.

[37:13] Fuck you, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[37:15] Although it does make me wish that we could start an episode saying, listeners note, before

[37:21] this episode, Dan, Stuart, and Elliot accidentally touched a magic skull and their personalities

[37:25] were transferred.

[37:26] They all beat up a gypsy woman before this podcast.

[37:30] Now they're getting thinner.

Stuart Wellington

[37:31] She transferred from their brains into each other's brains.

[37:34] It was really weird, dudes.

[37:35] Then everything got cured.

[37:36] Now to the flop house.

[37:37] It was kind of like how I wanted that show.

[37:39] You know that show, Life on Mars, that they redid over here in the old United States?

[37:43] In the colonies.

[37:44] I was always hoping that the opening credits would show, have a song and have him like,

[37:51] and then he insulted a gypsy and she totally sent him into the past.

[37:56] Woo!

[37:57] That'd be way better.

[37:58] Because then it would summarize everything.

Elliott Kalan

[38:00] I'd be more interested.

[38:01] I just wanted the last episode of him to wake up and be like, it was all a dream on Mars.

[38:06] And it turns out he's actually an astronaut on Mars.

Dan McCoy

[38:08] No, dude, that was totally the ending to the US version.

[38:13] I didn't watch it, but I heard all these people complaining online about how crazy the ending

[38:18] to the US version of Life on Mars was.

[38:20] And the ending was, you know, he wakes up.

[38:24] Spoiler alert.

[38:25] And he's been suspended.

Elliott Kalan

[38:26] Spoiler alert to the show nobody watched, and that's why it's off the air.

Dan McCoy

[38:29] He's been in suspended animation as an astronaut, and he got to choose a vivid dream to keep

[38:38] his mind occupied while he was in suspended animation, and so he chose to be a cop in the

[38:42] 70s.

Dan McCoy

[38:42] That is great.

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] That is such a stupid, like, terribly unsatisfying great ending.

[38:49] Yeah.

[38:49] That's like the end of Open Your Eyes.

[38:51] Like, that's really, like, really dumb.

[38:53] By the way, there were no hints for this, but your brain is alive in a jar somewhere.

[38:59] Yeah.

[39:00] That sounds great.

[39:01] He was an astronaut.

[39:02] Because you know the network executives were like, well, when does Mars come into it?

[39:06] Yeah.

[39:07] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[39:08] He's never going into outer space.

[39:09] David Bowie?

Elliott Kalan

[39:12] That's what they said.

[39:13] That's exactly what they said.

Stuart Wellington

[39:16] So, that sounds great.

[39:17] I'm glad I brought up Life on Mars.

[39:19] So, anywho.

Dan McCoy

[39:21] Life on Mars.

[39:22] Oh, this is the part of the show.

[39:24] You're looking at me for directions?

[39:26] Is that what it is?

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] Well, horror host, maybe you should host something.

Stuart Wellington

[39:29] Okay.

[39:30] Boils and ghouls.

[39:31] I hope you're ready for some scary movie recommendations.

[39:35] As it is Shocktober, so we're going to recommend some movies we actually like and may or may not have seen recently.

[39:42] Starting with Elliot.

[39:44] M-m-m-m-me?

[39:45] Yes, Elliot.

[39:46] Tell us a scary movie you liked.

[39:49] I'm going to mention two movies.

[39:51] Are they both scary?

[39:52] One is and one is not.

Elliott Kalan

[39:53] Start with the scary one.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] Wow, he's really taking control.

[39:59] Now that we've needle him about not being a good host.

Elliott Kalan

[40:01] All of your horror host characters went from Elvira to Saw.

[40:04] To Jigsaw.

[40:05] Do it.

[40:07] Hey, boys and ghouls.

[40:09] You've got a decision to make.

Stuart Wellington

[40:12] Let's play a little game, Elliot.

[40:13] Tell me two movies.

[40:15] One of them better be scary.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] The other thing, I haven't seen any scary movies recently that I really loved.

[40:21] And I'm trying to think of one that I haven't recommended in the past.

[40:25] I want to recommend.

[40:26] But the ones I want to recommend I think I've recommended before.

[40:28] Like Persona or In the Mouth of Madness.

Stuart Wellington

[40:31] Those are my favorite.

[40:32] What about Ghostbusters, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[40:35] Ghostbusters is not a scary movie.

[40:37] But I will mention that it is.

[40:38] When I was a kid, it was really scary.

[40:39] It is the 25th anniversary of Ghostbusters.

[40:42] And I've been celebrating it all year.

[40:44] But the movie I want.

[40:45] So there's a bunch of scary movies out there.

[40:47] You can go see them.

[40:48] Okay.

[40:49] Persona, scariest movie I ever saw.

[40:50] In the Mouth of Madness.

[40:51] My favorite John Carpenter movie, personally.

[40:53] But recently I saw a movie called His Kind of Woman starring Robert Mitchum and Jane Russell and Vincent Price.

[41:00] And it is a movie that starts out as a film noir and then becomes kind of a tongue-in-cheek film noir.

[41:07] And then by the end is just out-and-out comedy with some surprisingly violent scenes.

[41:14] Like, it's one of the few – it's from 1951, I think.

[41:17] But there's a scene where a guy gets shot in the chest and blood drips out of his chest.

[41:21] And it's just like – it was one of the more graphic scenes I've seen in an old movie.

[41:24] But it's a lot of fun.

[41:26] Robert Mitchum's in it.

[41:27] And Vincent Price has one of, I think, his best roles ever as a ham actor named Mark Cardigan who is in this resort that Robert Mitchum has been sent to by a famous crime lord.

[41:40] And basically decides to become a hero in it.

[41:44] And there are these great scenes of Vincent Price, like, giving speeches to the other characters and basically hamming it up.

[41:50] And being really – but his performance becomes very affecting.

[41:53] So I recommend it a lot.

Dan McCoy

[41:55] Daniel.

[41:57] I'm having a hard time coming up with a good horror movie.

[42:00] But I did see fairly recently the movie Splinter about, like –

Elliott Kalan

[42:06] Oh, about the Ninja Turtles mentor.

Dan McCoy

[42:07] Sure.

[42:08] It's a biopic.

[42:10] It's a biopic.

[42:11] Biopics are scary.

[42:13] Because they're true.

[42:16] No, it's about, like, a weird sort of virus like most movies are – most horror movies are these days, it seems like.

[42:24] But, like, more of a kind of this strange fungus that creates splinters on people that can shoot out and sort of infect them and they become all pointy and weird porcupine creatures.

[42:35] They should have called it the pointy people.

[42:37] It's pretty gross.

[42:38] And –

[42:39] Have you seen it, Stuart?

[42:40] Splinter?

[42:40] Yeah.

[42:40] Yeah, it was pretty gross.

[42:41] It was kind of cool.

[42:42] It's a pretty good, like, basically three people stuck in a enclosed space horror movie, survival horror.

[42:50] They're all in a gas station.

[42:52] Silo.

[42:52] Oh, gas station.

[42:53] Maternity ward.

[42:54] And they have to fend off these people and figure out how to get out of there.

[42:59] But what I'm going to also recommend is on Netflix, watch instantly.

[43:06] I noticed that the movie I'll Believe You, a.k.a. First Time Caller, is available on watch instantly.

[43:15] And this is a film that, along with roles by Patrick Warburton, Fred Willard, Ed Helms, and Chris Elliott, it also has some former Flophouse co-hosts in it.

[43:30] This is like a small –

[43:30] Among those glittering stars?

[43:31] Yeah, this is a small independent comedy.

[43:34] It sat on the shelf for a few years, then it got a very small, like, release and now it's on DVD.

[43:39] But one, Rich Duncan, the co-writer of The Werewolf Book and often a frequent co-host, plays Craig the Engineer.

[43:51] And Amanda Melson and Bob Powers both play Radio Callers.

[43:55] Oh, wow.

[43:56] It's not a great comedy.

[43:57] You know, it has the problem that a lot of, like, small comedies have, which it kind of drags a little.

[44:03] Like, they don't have – I mean, I feel like you can make a great movie, obviously, as an independent filmmaker.

[44:08] Nope.

[44:09] Keeping up the energy sometimes on, like, a low-budget film is harder without, like, the resources really, like, make it snap.

[44:18] And so there's, like, some draggy parts in the middle.

[44:21] But there's some really funny stuff in it, too.

[44:23] And if you're ever curious to see what Rich Duncan looked like with more hair than he has now, you can watch First Time Caller.

[44:31] I gotta see that.

[44:32] I've never seen that movie.

[44:32] AKA I'll Believe You.

[44:34] I gotta check that out.

[44:34] I like those people.

Stuart Wellington

[44:35] Yeah, I don't actually have a good horror movie to recommend.

[44:39] You were the one who wanted the scary movies.

[44:41] Well, I know.

[44:41] I do.

[44:41] I'll talk about a scary movie.

[44:43] I – yeah, this time of year always makes me go even more out of my way to watch shitty horror movies.

[44:50] And this week was no different.

[44:51] I re-watched Edward Furlong's masterpiece because he's in it.

[44:57] Brain Scan, where he plays a dude with – who gets sucked into a video game that turns him into a killer.

[45:05] And it's very clearly an attempt to create a new franchise with this, like, weird dude character who, like, kind of haunts him and helps possess him and stuff.

[45:15] Similar to Wes Craven's Shocker, which was not what I was expecting.

[45:19] Or like the Lawnmower Man.

[45:21] Similar to the Lawnmower Man, but not based on –

[45:23] Or Dee Snider's Strangeland.

[45:25] Or like Dee Snider's Strangeland.

Elliott Kalan

[45:27] I like to think that Eddie Furlong's ancestors were Vikings and they killed some sort of a haired serpent.

[45:33] And so he was, like, Bjorn Killer of the Long Fur and then over time became Furlong.

[45:39] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[45:39] No, that's probably it.

[45:41] It could just be the measure of distance.

[45:42] Wow, you have a really elaborate fantasy as to the derivation of Eddie Furlong's name.

[45:47] I had a list and I saw T2 a lot when I was a kid.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:50] I read that story on your – that blog you write about Eddie Furlong, right?

[45:54] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] Yeah, Furlongs and Furlongs.

Stuart Wellington

[45:56] Yeah, where you have some slash fic about the various characters he's been.

Elliott Kalan

[46:00] Yeah, well, there's a little bit about him and the guy who was on Salute Your Shorts who was also in Terminator 2.

[46:05] Yeah.

[46:05] A little bit about him and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[46:07] A little bit about him and Robert Patrick.

[46:08] Sure.

[46:09] Kind of teaching him what it's like to be human.

[46:10] Exactly, yeah.

[46:11] Well, there's a lot of teaching.

[46:12] I have no emotions.

[46:14] Well, let me – let's try this then.

Dan McCoy

[46:16] Yeah.

[46:16] There's a lot of subtext in those movies that you can really dive into.

[46:20] That thumbs up at the end.

[46:22] I know.

Elliott Kalan

[46:22] There's a lot of Pecker fan fiction on there.

[46:24] What happened to the character after the film was over, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[46:27] Sure.

[46:28] A lot of –

Elliott Kalan

[46:29] Baltimore.

[46:29] There's also –

[46:30] Body more.

[46:31] What was that?

[46:31] Eddie Furlong.

Stuart Wellington

[46:32] Crow 4, was it?

[46:33] I don't remember which one that was.

[46:34] Crow 4.

Elliott Kalan

[46:35] A lot of Eddie Furlong, John Waters slash fan fiction.

[46:37] Head Cemetery 2.

[46:39] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[46:39] Yeah.

[46:40] One of my favorite, favorite movies of all time.

[46:44] So what – and what else did you see besides Brain Scan?

[46:47] Yeah, I can't think of anything else.

[46:50] So I saw Brain Scan this week.

[46:51] I saw – I watched a bunch of – I watched – you know, I watched Head of the Family again.

[46:56] That was great.

[46:57] Do you own that?

[46:58] No, I don't own it.

[46:59] Oh.

[46:59] Not yet.

[47:00] Not until they come out with a Blu-ray edition.

[47:02] All right, guys.

[47:04] Now you're just chatting.

Elliott Kalan

[47:05] Not every movie gets a Blu-ray edition.

[47:07] Apparently only Screwballs gets one.

[47:09] Yep.

[47:09] Screwballs.

Stuart Wellington

[47:10] Okay, so now what do we do, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[47:12] Now we sign off.

[47:13] Oh, cool.

[47:14] Why don't you do it, Stuart?

[47:14] Why don't you kick us off since you're our –

[47:16] Okay, guys.

[47:17] Well –

Stuart Wellington

[47:17] Rule host.

[47:19] For the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[47:22] No, no.

[47:22] Give yourself like a – like Boo-art Wellington.

[47:25] Boo-art Smelly Town.

Dan McCoy

[47:29] I've been – Dan, come back to me later.

Stuart Wellington

[47:33] Okay?

[47:34] Okay.

[47:35] That's not that good, but that's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[47:36] Helliot Killen.

[47:38] Oh, that's what he's been doing this whole time.

[47:40] I've been thinking about that.

[47:41] Yeah.

[47:42] Okay.

[47:42] That's why I've been so lackluster this episode.

[47:44] Good night, folks.

[47:48] You should be glad it wasn't Chowder Fest.

Dan McCoy

[47:50] Chowder all in his beard.

[47:51] Mmm, Chowder Fest.

[47:53] That sounds delicious.

[47:54] I don't care for Chowder.

Elliott Kalan

[47:55] By the way, Chowder Fest is coming up.

Stuart Wellington

[47:58] Guys, what are your points for Chowder Fest?

[48:00] Check.

[48:01] Chowders.

[48:01] Check.

[48:02] Chowder Fest.

[48:03] Chowder Fest.

[48:03] Too many Chowder Heads.

[48:05] Delicious Chowder.

[48:06] Misk-a-tonic.

[48:07] Misk-a-tonic University.

[48:09] A-tonic University.

[48:10] I got my undergraduate there.

[48:13] In the dark house.

[48:15] In Chowder.

Stuart Wellington

[48:15] Yep.

[48:16] In elder care.

[48:17] In feline masturbation.

[48:19] All right.

[48:20] And that's over.

[48:21] Don't know why that went there.

[48:23] Don't worry.

[48:24] That'll just be at the end after the going away music.

[48:27] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[48:28] That'll be our stinger.

[48:30] That's what it's called, huh?

[48:31] That's what they used to call it on Mystery Science Theater, I think.

[48:34] Watch out for snakes.

The Flop House: Episode #47 - The Unborn

Transcript

In this episode

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