The Flop House: Episode #48 - The Chaos Experiment

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Kilmer, Asante, Roberts. We discuss a film called The Chaos Experiment.

[0:08] Also, before we get started, I'd like to apologize for the subpar audio quality in this episode.

[0:14] We discovered only too late that there was a problem with Stuart's microphone.

[0:18] I tried to fix it in post, but it's noticeable.

[0:23] Anyway, we decided to release it, and you can enjoy it, or you can ignore it.

[0:28] But we hope it isn't too bad.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:59] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:00] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:01] So, guys, I've got something to talk about.

[1:05] Okay.

[1:06] Lay it on us.

[1:06] Elliot.

[1:07] Let's wrap.

[1:08] You know, a while back, I feel like you one-upped me a little bit on your great weekend where I had gotten some shoes.

[1:16] No, those sounded like great shoes.

[1:17] And you won an Emmy.

[1:18] But this last weekend.

[1:20] Are those the shoes you're wearing right now?

[1:22] Yes.

[1:22] Those are nice shoes.

[1:23] They're shit.

[1:25] That's a weekend well spent.

[1:26] The one thing that I wanted to say was...

[1:29] You're using some marshals?

[1:30] Guys.

[1:32] Last week.

[1:32] DSW, probably.

[1:33] Last weekend, I had a weekend that...

[1:36] I can't imagine, Elliot, you could compare to it at all.

[1:40] I can't even imagine.

[1:42] I saw one of my comedy idols from the troupe, the Monty Python's Flying Surface.

[1:48] Oh, wow.

[1:49] Terry Jones.

[1:50] I saw him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] Monty Python's Flying Surface.

[1:54] Well, you saw him on an episode of Monty Python.

Dan McCoy

[1:56] I've had some Novocaine, Elliot.

[1:58] Monty Python's Flying Surface.

[2:00] No, I saw him in person.

[2:01] That's really cool.

[2:02] You know, at a Q&A slash writing seminar.

[2:06] And so, finally, Elliot's...

Stuart Wellington

[2:08] Wait, was that like a seminar where they teach you how to write slash fiction?

[2:11] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[2:12] Slash fiction.

[2:12] Monty Python slash fiction, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:15] Well, it would be about the characters.

[2:16] Yeah, it's usually...

[2:17] They usually pair them up.

Dan McCoy

[2:19] According to who wrote with each other.

[2:21] So, it's Graham Chapman, John Cleese slash fiction.

[2:23] And then Terry Jones and Michael Palin slash fiction.

[2:25] And then it's Eric Idle just masturbating.

[2:27] Yeah, wait.

[2:28] And Terry Gilliam masturbating, too.

[2:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:30] Wait, is there a...

[2:32] So, like, the Silly Walks guy, right?

[2:34] The guy who does the Silly Walks?

[2:35] All right.

Dan McCoy

[2:35] But the point is, Elliot...

[2:36] That does sound pretty cool.

[2:38] Elliot, there's no way that you could possibly...

[2:39] I finally have prevented you from one-upping me.

[2:42] You're right.

Elliott Kalan

[2:43] I mean, seeing a member of Monty Python in person...

[2:45] My weekend was nowhere near that exciting.

[2:48] Well, my Thursday, I did go to the New York premiere of the Monty Python documentary.

[2:54] Oh, wow.

[2:55] Well, you saw it on screen.

[2:56] Yeah, that was pretty cool.

[2:57] And then every living member of Monty Python did, like, a 45-minute, 40-minute Q&A afterwards.

[3:02] It was pretty cool.

[3:03] We were sitting in front...

[3:04] We were in the row ahead of Carol Cleveland.

[3:06] What?

[3:06] ...of the female Python, you could say.

[3:08] It was very exciting.

[3:09] It was awesome.

[3:10] But, I mean...

[3:11] But Terry Jones, wow.

[3:12] I mean, he was there when I saw it.

[3:14] All the living Pythons.

[3:16] And there was a cardboard stand-up to take the place of Graham Chapman, who passed away, you know, in the 80s.

Dan McCoy

[3:24] So, I'm just going to shoot myself, guys.

[3:27] I don't think I'll just...

[3:28] Not even after the podcast.

[3:30] No, no.

[3:30] Right now?

[3:30] No, no.

[3:31] We'll talk about the movie first.

[3:32] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] I like this new recurring segment, Elliot Tops Dan.

[3:35] Yeah.

[3:36] I like it so much.

[3:37] I didn't even talk about how we got, literally, celebrity tickets to the show.

[3:41] To the movie.

[3:44] That was the second screening I've shared with Whoopi Goldberg.

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:48] After Watchmen.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] Wow.

[3:49] And this is...

[3:50] Yeah.

[3:50] So, this is like a mixture of Elliot Tops Dan and Name Droppers.

[3:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:56] Name Droppers, The Suite Life of Elliot and Cody, all the best shows.

[4:01] But, guys...

[4:02] And Dan in real life.

Dan McCoy

[4:03] Monty Python, regardless.

[4:04] I mean, this may be Monty Python month on IFC.

[4:07] But in the Flophouse, it's Shocktober.

[4:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] It's Shaloween.

Dan McCoy

[4:13] It's Flop...

[4:15] Zeeve.

[4:17] Mm-hmm.

[4:18] Yeah.

[4:19] Flop Zeeve.

[4:20] Stuart, put down your phone.

[4:22] Stop texting.

[4:23] Put down your phone and pick up your microphone.

[4:25] Quit waxing your mustache.

Stuart Wellington

[4:28] Are you guys done talking about fucking Monty Python yet?

[4:31] Yeah, we are.

Dan McCoy

[4:31] The nerd talk is done.

Elliott Kalan

[4:33] Just to button it up, it was an amazing experience.

[4:37] So, uh...

[4:38] Let's just say that.

[4:39] That I will never forget.

[4:40] Son of a bitch.

[4:40] Anyway, we're done with Monty Python now.

[4:42] Cool.

Dan McCoy

[4:43] Yeah, we watched The Chaos Experiment, which was originally released under a different title.

[4:48] Wait, what?

[4:49] The Steam Experiment.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] I wonder why they would call it that.

[4:52] Oh, wait.

[4:52] Maybe because they talk about Steam every single second.

Dan McCoy

[4:56] Yeah, okay.

[4:56] And they're in a steam room.

[4:57] We need to set this up a little bit because this is a much smaller film than we usually

[5:01] talk about on the podcast.

[5:03] That's true.

[5:04] I looked it up on Wikipedia.

[5:06] It played two theaters in, like, Lansing, Michigan, I believe.

[5:11] Well, it makes sense because it takes place entirely in Grand Rapids.

[5:13] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] And it really needs to be knocked down a few pegs.

[5:15] Yeah, exactly.

[5:17] Well, this is...

[5:17] Bright and hot, all that critical buzz.

[5:19] I feel like...

Dan McCoy

[5:20] You know, the elites in Lansing need to be...

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] I feel like this is not, you know, the normal target for our ire.

[5:26] Usually it's something that should have known better or is big enough to absorb it.

[5:30] But here it's more like maybe we're helping the audience dig up an undiscovered gem.

[5:34] Yeah, there you go.

[5:35] Because this is one I have not heard about until you told me about it.

Dan McCoy

[5:37] The Chaos Experiment.

[5:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] This is more publicity than I think it ever received.

Dan McCoy

[5:42] Yeah, it got dumped into theaters.

[5:46] Literally.

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] Shat out of a butt into theaters.

[5:51] Like a human butt?

[5:52] Yeah.

[5:53] Well, like a giant papier-mâché one.

[5:55] Okay.

[5:56] Yeah.

[5:56] That's how they delivered it to the theater, the film.

Stuart Wellington

[5:58] The papier-mâché anus, like, slowly dilated.

[6:01] That's probably...

Dan McCoy

[6:02] That's probably why no one went to see it.

[6:04] Yeah.

[6:06] It doesn't encourage audience members to go see that movie when it comes to town and that method.

Elliott Kalan

[6:12] What a horrible...

[6:12] I apologize to that guy who likes to listen to this when he's cooking dinner with his wife.

Dan McCoy

[6:17] Yeah.

[6:18] Anyway, but it was...

[6:19] But I came across the description of this on Wikipedia.

[6:25] I saw the description of this movie, the plot synopsis, and I emailed it to you guys.

[6:29] Plenopsis.

[6:30] And you guys immediately said we have to watch this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] Everything about it said we had to see it.

[6:36] And I'm glad we did, even though I wanted to tear my eyes out after a while.

Stuart Wellington

[6:39] You know, if I had actually checked my email, I think I probably would have said exactly what I was saying.

[6:43] Yeah.

[6:44] Well, why do you...

[6:45] I usually just auto-delete anything you guys said.

Dan McCoy

[6:48] Sure.

[6:49] You got a spam filter for us.

[6:50] Yeah.

[6:51] It's amazing that you show up, you know, for the Flophouse recording sessions.

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] He did.

[6:57] Stuart did text me earlier today.

[6:59] We're doing Flophouse tonight, right?

[7:01] Yeah.

[7:01] So...

Stuart Wellington

[7:01] Yeah.

[7:02] And then Dan sent me a text.

[7:03] So I thought, like, you, like, told on me or something.

[7:06] No.

[7:06] I'm like, Elliot.

[7:07] No, it was basically me thinking that...

Dan McCoy

[7:09] Dan just doesn't trust you.

[7:10] I'm pretty sure Elliot remembers that we're doing it, but I'm not sure that Stuart does.

[7:13] Sure.

[7:14] And I was right.

[7:15] Uh-huh.

[7:15] Anyway, the point is, this movie has a triumvirate of middle-aged male...

[7:22] Leads.

[7:23] Stars?

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] Let's call them...

[7:24] Former stars?

[7:25] Let's call them has-beens.

[7:27] You got...

[7:27] Let's be polite and call them by the term...

[7:30] Yeah.

[7:31] You got your Val Kilmer.

[7:32] Faded glory.

[7:33] Once Batman.

[7:34] You got your Armand Asante.

Dan McCoy

[7:36] TV's Odysseus.

[7:37] Star of Fatal Instinct.

[7:39] One of the Mambo Kings.

[7:40] Don't forget that he is a king.

[7:43] Yeah, of Mambo.

Elliott Kalan

[7:44] Yeah, him and Banderas.

Dan McCoy

[7:46] And Eric Roberts.

[7:48] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[7:49] Brother of...

[7:51] Julia Roberts.

[7:52] No, what's...

[7:53] No, brother of Julia Roberts.

[7:54] Bob Roberts.

[7:55] Brother of Bob Roberts.

[7:56] Okay.

[7:56] The Tim Robbins character.

[7:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:58] Oscar-nominated Eric Roberts.

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] What was he nominated for?

[8:01] I think Star 80?

[8:03] Ah.

[8:04] Well, that was 20-some-odd years ago.

[8:05] Yeah.

[8:05] And he's best remembered now as the mobster from Dark Knight.

[8:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:10] So he's actually...

[8:11] His career is on an upswing a bit.

Elliott Kalan

[8:13] He is...

[8:13] I mean, he's one of those guys that you can...

[8:15] You can get...

[8:16] And he will...

[8:17] And he's in Crash, the new series, too, right?

[8:19] He's...

[8:19] I think...

[8:20] Yeah, his career is doing a little better now.

[8:22] He was on Heroes back when people still cared about that show.

[8:23] Yeah.

[8:24] So...

[8:24] Of the three of them...

[8:25] Yeah, of the three of those guys, Eric Roberts is doing the best right now.

[8:28] Yeah.

[8:29] But Val Kilmer still owns fucking, like, 30,000-acre ranch.

[8:32] So, you know, he's doing okay, too.

[8:34] Yeah.

[8:34] And Armand Asante probably owns a diner somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[8:36] Yeah.

[8:37] Val Kilmer clearly can afford to eat well.

[8:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:41] Because he has packed it on.

[8:44] Woo!

[8:44] He does not look good.

Dan McCoy

[8:46] Yeah.

[8:46] I said that he looked like...

[8:48] He can afford a Bowflex.

[8:50] So, that's too expensive.

Elliott Kalan

[8:51] Oh, not even a Nordic track.

[8:53] No.

[8:53] He can afford the payment plan.

Dan McCoy

[8:54] He looks like a Jeff Bridges character when Jeff Bridges is playing, like, a downtrodden character,

[8:59] like the dude or, like, in the Fisher King when he goes crazy for a while.

[9:03] Mm-hmm.

[9:05] Yeah.

[9:05] But why was this called the Steam Experiment originally before it was changed?

Stuart Wellington

[9:10] Yeah, why don't you explain this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] Why don't I spin a tale for our listeners about...

[9:16] A man walks into the Grand Rapids newspaper office.

[9:20] It's Val Kilmer with about four days' worth of beard on him.

[9:24] And he says...

Stuart Wellington

[9:25] About, what, 30 years' worth of actual weight?

Elliott Kalan

[9:29] Yeah, something like that, yeah.

[9:31] And it opens with this bizarre selection of images of Val Kilmer lying, looking soiled and

[9:38] disgusting on a hospital bed, standing on a merry-go-round, and just kind of generally

[9:43] looking at things.

[9:44] Generally looking at things.

[9:45] But he goes into a newspaper and says to the editor, if you don't...

[9:50] I need you to print my story about how global warming is going to destroy the Earth.

[9:53] I've got six people trapped in a sauna, and the temperature is going up, and they're going

[9:58] to die unless you print my story.

Dan McCoy

[10:00] Now, I'd like to point out, though, that the movie literally starts with this scene.

[10:04] However, it takes us 15 minutes for all that information to come out.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] There's a lot of the editor going, wait, back up.

[10:11] You've got people trapped in a sauna?

Dan McCoy

[10:13] And the audience is like, no, don't back up.

[10:14] Don't back up.

[10:15] We've been there.

[10:15] Please keep going.

Elliott Kalan

[10:16] The editor calls the police chief, or policeman, Armand Asante, who...

[10:21] I feel really...

[10:22] I feel bad.

[10:23] We're going to make fun of the way Armand Asante talks in this, because he can't...

[10:25] Oh, are we?

[10:26] Because you can't understand him, and I feel really bad.

[10:28] If anyone knows if Armand Asante has suffered a stroke, we apologize.

[10:32] It's a theory, but...

Dan McCoy

[10:33] We apologize to Mrs. Asante.

Elliott Kalan

[10:34] It really will be insensitive of us when we make fun of it later, but if there's a real

[10:41] reason for it, if not just him acting terribly.

Dan McCoy

[10:43] Yeah, please email us and make us feel bad if you know of a reason why Armand Asante is

[10:47] talking like Finster and the usual suspect.

Elliott Kalan

[10:51] Yeah, swollen-tongued, you know.

[10:54] But we'll talk more about that later.

[10:55] But meanwhile, we're cutting to the steam room, where six people who thought they were going

[11:00] to a dating service that gives away $5,000...

[11:03] As they do.

Stuart Wellington

[11:04] Did I hear about that on the internet?

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] On the interwebs.

[11:08] That's usually where people...

[11:09] On the webernets.

[11:10] Yeah, and they each have met with Val Kilmer personally ahead of time.

[11:13] Okay.

[11:14] And they...

[11:15] Wow.

[11:15] They are in this steam room, three guys and three girls.

Dan McCoy

[11:19] Have they all met with him beforehand?

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] Yeah, it kind of implies that they all...

[11:23] Is he the CEO of the company?

[11:24] He is the CEO and only employee of the company.

Dan McCoy

[11:27] It seems strange that he would meet personally with the people who use his product.

Stuart Wellington

[11:31] Yeah, I mean, like...

[11:32] I mean, we see Val Kilmer in this movie a lot.

[11:35] Like, I would imagine there would have been some warning signs for these people.

Elliott Kalan

[11:38] Well, since he looks...

[11:39] Since he gets crazier and crazier as the movie goes on...

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] Okay, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:43] Just keep going.

[11:43] Well, he...

[11:44] Val Kilmer...

[11:45] We'll talk about it.

[11:45] He shows a lot of made-up physical tics that crazy people in movies have.

[11:50] Face scratching.

[11:51] Yeah, the movie should have been called Face Scratchers, as I was saying.

[11:55] But, uh...

[11:56] Earlier.

[11:57] But, okay, so there's these three guys and three girls in a sauna.

[12:00] The girl takes off her top for no reason.

[12:02] That was a good reason.

[12:03] Yeah, that's a good reason.

[12:04] They all hate each other almost instantly.

[12:06] One of the guys is like a big,

[12:08] Hey, I'm from Brooklyn!

[12:09] Hey!

[12:09] I love girls!

[12:11] Yeah, forget about it!

[12:12] He actually says, forget about it at one point.

[12:15] Yeah.

[12:15] And then there's Eric Roberts, who is a...

[12:17] From Dallas.

[12:18] Dallas, although he forgets that he's from Dallas most of the movie.

[12:21] And then he'll suddenly turn on his accent, and it'll be...

Dan McCoy

[12:24] And you'll remember.

[12:25] You'll be like, oh yeah, that character was introduced as being from Dallas.

Stuart Wellington

[12:28] And then he transports you to the dusty plains of Texas.

[12:31] A tumbleweed.

[12:33] Oh yeah.

[12:33] Trits by in the steam room.

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] Oh yeah, it's like the last picture show all of a sudden.

[12:36] You'll slap leather.

[12:40] Hell's half acre and all that.

[12:44] Slap leather.

[12:45] And there's some other characters in there too.

[12:47] This girl who's neurotic to the point of comatose and so forth.

[12:51] She's a poet.

[12:52] But anyway, while they're trapped in this sauna,

[12:54] they realize they're trapped,

[12:55] and they go crazy and, you know,

[12:58] try to kill each other and stuff.

[13:00] Meanwhile, a game of cat and mouse is being played

[13:03] between Val Kilmer and Armand Asante.

Dan McCoy

[13:05] Well, let's back up and clarify for a moment

[13:07] that the reason they're trapped in this steam room

[13:09] is that Val Kilmer's...

[13:10] Oh, I forgot that part.

[13:11] ...big global warming theory is that

[13:13] as the Earth gets warmer,

[13:15] society will crumble.

[13:16] People will get more irritable

[13:18] and start attacking each other.

[13:20] Which is, you know...

[13:22] I don't know if that's a theory

[13:23] that needed to be tested by an actual experiment.

Elliott Kalan

[13:26] No, I think that it's tested every August

[13:28] in New York City.

[13:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:30] You know, like if...

[13:31] I think he keeps talking about

[13:33] if you're stuck in a steam room for long enough,

[13:36] your lungs will melt.

Elliott Kalan

[13:38] Yeah, which that doesn't happen.

[13:39] It doesn't happen.

[13:40] To the people in there.

[13:41] I don't think it does.

[13:41] It doesn't happen in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:43] I mean, they didn't show the inside of somebody's lungs.

Elliott Kalan

[13:46] No, which would have been cool.

[13:47] It wasn't like Three Kings.

Stuart Wellington

[13:47] They didn't go inside the body.

[13:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:50] Or save the green planet

[13:51] in the part where he's killed the other guy

[13:53] and then he's so mad he's kicking him in the chest

[13:55] and it turns into an x-ray

[13:57] at the instant he kicks him in the chest

[13:58] and it restarts his heart.

[14:00] Oh, yeah.

[14:01] Or like in Street Fighter

Stuart Wellington

[14:02] where Sonny Chiba punches a guy

[14:04] and you see the guy's crack.

[14:06] Yeah.

[14:06] Or in Crank.

[14:06] That's a good scene, too.

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:09] Or that one Jet Li movie.

Elliott Kalan

[14:12] So many movies I would have rather watched this.

Dan McCoy

[14:14] Audience, you know, do yourself a favor.

[14:17] Get together with some friends

[14:18] and list movies in which you go inside someone's body

[14:22] and you'll enjoy it more than watching a cash experiment.

[14:23] When you said Jet Li,

Elliott Kalan

[14:24] the title that came to mind was

[14:26] Romeo is Burning,

[14:27] which is not a movie.

[14:29] It is.

[14:29] I got.

[14:30] The only Romeo is bleeding is the movie.

[14:31] I got.

[14:32] No, Romeo Must Die is the Jet Li movie.

[14:34] I got that.

[14:35] Romeo is bleeding.

[14:37] And Romeo and Michelle's high school reunion.

[14:38] I guess something.

[14:39] Romeo is burning is a good title, though.

[14:41] But.

Stuart Wellington

[14:42] Romeo Must Die was the one where he like

[14:44] jump kicks a dude in the head.

[14:46] Yeah.

[14:46] In like the final battle.

[14:49] And the guy's like neck breaking.

Elliott Kalan

[14:51] A little good fight.

[14:52] But anyway,

[14:52] there's a game of cat and mouse.

[14:53] Armand Asante isn't sure if Val Kilmer

[14:56] is making this all up

[14:57] or if it actually happened.

[14:59] The audience doesn't know that either

[15:00] because the movie doesn't make any sense.

Dan McCoy

[15:02] He doesn't know what the time frame is.

[15:03] Is this actually happening now?

[15:04] Does he have to free these hostages before they die?

[15:06] Or has this already happened long ago?

[15:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:09] Or did it all happen in Val Kilmer's head?

[15:10] Yeah.

[15:12] Eventually,

[15:13] I'm just going to skip to the end.

[15:13] Everybody but two of the people in the sauna die.

[15:16] The two most nondescript characters live.

[15:18] Yeah.

[15:19] The people from the mental hospital

[15:21] come to pick up Val Kilmer.

[15:22] Turns out he's crazy.

[15:24] And Armand Asante,

[15:25] after spending like an hour and a half

[15:26] dealing with him,

[15:27] is like,

[15:28] well,

[15:28] took care of that one.

Dan McCoy

[15:30] Take him away.

[15:31] My curiosity is sated.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] Meanwhile,

[15:33] his boss keeps getting on his case.

[15:36] He goes,

[15:36] there's a robbery down at Fletcher Street

[15:37] you need to look into.

[15:39] And this Fletcher Street robbery

[15:40] seems so much more interesting.

[15:41] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[15:42] I tend to agree with his boss

[15:43] that,

[15:44] you know,

[15:44] given just talking to a crazy person

[15:47] in a room for several hours

[15:48] or foiling a robbery down at Fletcher Street,

[15:52] you know,

[15:52] go down to Fletcher Street.

[15:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:54] This can keep.

[15:54] The crazy guy

[15:55] will probably hold.

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] He'll keep for a little bit.

[15:58] And did I,

[15:59] so should I mention the twist ending?

[16:00] Yeah,

[16:00] please do.

[16:01] Maybe you can make sense of it.

[16:03] Val Kilmer is taken back

[16:04] to the mental hospital.

[16:05] Suddenly,

[16:06] his doctor arrives.

[16:08] It's the guy who survived

[16:09] the steam experiment.

[16:11] What the fuck?

Dan McCoy

[16:11] All of a sudden,

[16:12] he looks like Jeffrey Combs

[16:13] in Rihanna.

Elliott Kalan

[16:14] He does.

[16:14] It's true.

[16:15] And he says to Val Kilmer,

[16:17] you're a genius.

[16:18] Touching human chaos

[16:19] was the greatest experience

[16:21] of my life.

[16:22] And then walks away

[16:24] and Val Kilmer

[16:24] stares into space

[16:25] like a weird,

[16:26] you know,

[16:27] like a crazy person.

[16:27] And then we see the doctor

[16:29] in his office

[16:29] and the only woman

[16:31] who survived

[16:32] the sauna experiment

[16:34] is,

[16:35] is like,

[16:36] his lover's life assistant.

[16:38] I guess.

[16:38] Yeah.

[16:39] And says like,

[16:41] he,

[16:41] you know,

[16:43] something about like,

[16:44] you no longer control him.

[16:46] He controls you.

[16:47] Kill him.

[16:47] Then come home.

[16:48] I love you.

[16:49] And then the doctor

[16:51] turns the light off

[16:51] and that's the end

[16:52] of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[16:53] Yeah,

[16:53] and the end

[16:54] comes up on the screen.

[16:55] But it's really.

[16:56] Just in case you're confused.

[16:57] And you would be gobsmacked

[16:59] by that ending.

[16:59] I think that it does help you out

[17:01] to have the end put up on the end.

[17:02] There is the part,

Elliott Kalan

[17:02] Eric Roberts

[17:03] in his crazy death throes

[17:04] does say like,

[17:05] you two are working together.

[17:07] You're in on this.

[17:08] What?

[17:09] And it's supposed to be

[17:10] the ravings of a lunatic

[17:11] and it turns out he was right

[17:12] but it's still stupid.

Dan McCoy

[17:14] Yeah,

[17:14] but here's what.

Elliott Kalan

[17:15] Also,

[17:16] this is an intricate theory

[17:17] that if people get locked

[17:18] into a sauna

[17:19] they'll kill each other.

[17:20] But it's also where

[17:21] as soon as they're about

[17:22] to break out of the sauna

[17:23] someone comes by

[17:24] and shoots a nail gun

[17:26] into one of the characters' heads.

[17:27] Yeah.

[17:27] And it is,

[17:29] I guess what I'm saying is

[17:30] the movie lacks

[17:31] internal consistency.

[17:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:33] I think at that point

[17:35] you've compromised

[17:35] your experiment.

[17:37] Yes, certainly.

[17:37] When the outside force

[17:38] starts shooting people

[17:39] in the face

[17:39] with nail guns.

Dan McCoy

[17:41] But what were you

[17:41] going to say, Dan?

[17:42] Well, I was going to say

[17:43] that I have several problems

[17:45] with this twist ending

[17:46] but I feel like

[17:47] we should...

Elliott Kalan

[17:48] What?

[17:49] Wait a minute.

[17:50] Hold up.

[17:51] We should mention

[17:51] before we get to that

[17:52] is that this is

[17:53] an incredibly

[17:54] incompetently made film.

Dan McCoy

[17:55] Yeah.

[17:56] No, I feel like

[17:57] we should take this

[17:58] roughly chronologically

[17:59] and we should get back

[18:00] to the twist ending

[18:00] at the end

[18:01] because there's going to be

[18:02] a lot to say about it

[18:03] but...

[18:04] Wait.

[18:05] I just want to register.

[18:06] I don't want the audience

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] of this podcast

[18:09] to think that listeners

[18:10] to think that the only problem

[18:11] with the movie

[18:12] was a far-fetched plot.

[18:15] There was much more

[18:16] wrong with this.

[18:17] This is a 90-minute film.

[18:19] I think it's like

[18:19] an 88-minute film.

[18:21] That feels like

[18:21] it's roughly 17 weeks

[18:23] of watching.

[18:25] And there were...

[18:26] I know...

Dan McCoy

[18:27] There were a lot

[18:27] of conversations.

[18:28] Conversations where people

[18:29] repeat the same lines

[18:31] literally over three times.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] I don't know if you guys

[18:33] had the same experience

[18:33] I did but there was a point

[18:34] about 60 minutes in

[18:36] where I suddenly woke up

[18:37] and was like,

[18:38] what?

[18:38] We're still watching

[18:39] this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[18:41] I mean, come on, guys.

[18:42] I mean, it's just...

[18:43] You know, it's a good thriller.

[18:44] So, like, you know,

[18:45] check your brain at the door.

[18:46] Like, lay back and relax.

Dan McCoy

[18:48] No, not at all.

[18:49] Just let it happen.

[18:51] Um, so...

[18:52] Just let it happen.

[18:53] Just let it wash over you

[18:54] like a soothing

[18:55] white noise machine.

Stuart Wellington

[18:58] Relax.

[18:58] Like, Val Kilmer

[18:59] looks relaxed

[19:00] when he's lying

[19:01] on that hospital bed.

[19:02] His face all stretched out.

Dan McCoy

[19:03] I don't think he looks relaxed

[19:04] so much as he looks

[19:05] like someone has

[19:06] performed a lobotomy on him.

[19:07] Yeah.

[19:08] Like, there are

[19:09] all those scenes of him

[19:10] on the merry-go-round

[19:12] where he's just staring

[19:14] straight out.

[19:15] This is a recurring motif.

[19:16] This is an image

[19:17] that you're expecting

Elliott Kalan

[19:18] them to explain

[19:18] at some point.

[19:19] No, they don't.

[19:19] Him just kind of

[19:20] standing vacantly

[19:21] on this merry-go-round

[19:22] and they do not.

[19:23] Uh-huh.

[19:24] Uh, he...

[19:25] Well, life's America

[19:26] round, Elliot.

[19:27] Val Kilmer...

[19:28] He's trapped.

[19:29] I guess.

[19:29] I thought it was a highway.

Dan McCoy

[19:30] In his own mental prison.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] Yeah, and you want

[19:32] to ride it all night long.

[19:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:33] Yeah.

[19:34] Gibbity-gibbity-something.

Elliott Kalan

[19:36] This is a movie

[19:37] where Val Kilmer,

[19:38] his acting can be

[19:40] best described,

[19:40] I think, as sleepy.

[19:42] Well, when it's not

[19:43] extravagant, I mean...

[19:44] It's either sleepy

[19:45] or nail-bitingly

[19:46] over the top.

[19:48] And also,

[19:49] and he's got, like,

[19:50] this growth of beard

[19:51] and it just looks like...

[19:52] I was saying to these guys

[19:53] during the movie,

[19:54] it looks like he's slow...

[19:55] like the slowest

[19:56] wolf-man transformation

[19:57] you can imagine.

[19:58] Just like, you know,

[20:00] over the course of days.

[20:01] Yeah, because he does

Dan McCoy

[20:01] grow noticeably crazier.

Elliott Kalan

[20:04] By the end of the movie,

[20:04] he's twitching

[20:05] and his eyes are rolling

[20:06] into the back of his head

[20:07] and he's, like,

[20:08] you know, sniffing at things.

[20:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:10] You have to wonder whether,

[20:11] like, with the twist

[20:12] that comes out at the end,

[20:13] you have to wonder

[20:13] whether his time frame

[20:15] was actually

[20:15] until his meds wore off

[20:17] and that's why

[20:17] he got crazier.

[20:18] That's a pretty good

[20:19] explanation, actually.

[20:20] Yeah.

[20:21] But, uh, Jesus.

[20:22] Yeah, he is...

[20:23] He's just a master

[20:25] of the craft.

Elliott Kalan

[20:27] You know?

[20:27] Oh, well, this movie

[20:28] was three masters

[20:29] at the top of their game.

[20:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] Kilmer, Asante,

[20:33] and Robert.

[20:34] Oh, my mom, Asante.

[20:34] Wait, that thing

[20:36] you said earlier

[20:36] about them being

[20:38] washed up has-beens?

[20:39] You were counting that?

Elliott Kalan

[20:41] I was being sarcastic.

[20:42] They are still has-beens.

[20:43] Yeah.

[20:44] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[20:44] Asante, you know,

[20:46] I guess he's Cuban.

[20:48] I don't know, but, like,

[20:49] I said...

[20:49] I don't know his background.

[20:50] I said that during the movie

[20:52] that it's like

[20:52] he had his regular

[20:54] Cuban accent,

[20:55] but then the director's like,

[20:57] also played as, like,

[20:58] a New York Italian

[20:59] police officer.

[21:01] You know, so he's layering

[21:02] this other accent on top.

[21:03] But then put on

Elliott Kalan

[21:03] a Grand Rapids accent

[21:05] on top of that one.

[21:06] Yeah, and it just

[21:06] turned into mush.

[21:07] Don't put this sock

[21:07] in your mouth.

[21:09] Don't move your lips

[21:10] very much.

[21:11] There are many lines

[21:12] where you literally

[21:13] cannot understand

[21:13] what he's saying.

[21:14] And again,

[21:15] if this is because

[21:15] of a physical impairment,

[21:16] I apologize

[21:17] for poking fun at it.

Stuart Wellington

[21:19] I think maybe he's just

[21:20] used to really good

[21:21] ADR work.

[21:23] Maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] And they just couldn't

[21:24] afford it for this film.

[21:25] He crafts his performances

[21:27] in the looping room

[21:27] afterwards.

[21:29] There are many scenes

[21:30] where he and Val Kilmer

[21:31] stare at each other

[21:32] and talk and

[21:33] seem to go in circles.

Dan McCoy

[21:35] Well, there are many scenes

[21:36] where he's driving

[21:38] with Val Kilmer

[21:39] in the backseat

[21:40] and then Val Kilmer's face

[21:43] will be also superimposed

[21:44] on the screen

[21:46] in the front seat.

Elliott Kalan

[21:47] So there are two

[21:47] Val Kilmers on screen

[21:48] at once.

[21:49] Yeah.

[21:50] There's constant

[21:51] superimpositions

[21:52] for no reason.

Stuart Wellington

[21:53] And what was the

[21:55] two double screens?

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] Oh yeah,

[21:59] split screens

[22:00] The best superimposition

[22:02] is when the sexiest

[22:03] of the women

[22:04] is reclining.

[22:05] She's the one

[22:05] who's taken her top off.

[22:06] I don't remember

[22:07] if she had her top on

[22:08] at the time or not.

[22:09] Was she?

[22:10] This is the one

Stuart Wellington

[22:10] with the nails

[22:11] in her head.

Elliott Kalan

[22:12] Eventually, yes.

[22:13] She doesn't have

[22:13] the nails yet.

[22:14] She's reclining

[22:15] and Val Kilmer's head

[22:16] is superimposed

[22:17] over her crotch.

[22:18] So it looks like

[22:19] it's like

[22:20] He's just emerging

[22:21] from her.

Stuart Wellington

[22:21] He's like the sexiest

[22:22] penis he's ever seen.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] But it's really like

[22:26] Salvador Dali

[22:27] was on set that day

[22:28] and they decided

[22:29] to let him direct

[22:29] the shot.

Dan McCoy

[22:30] Well, there's a scene

[22:31] early on where

[22:32] the three men

[22:34] and three women

[22:35] are getting to know

[22:36] each other

[22:36] in this spa dating,

[22:39] this sauna dating

[22:39] that has been

[22:40] sweeping the nation,

[22:41] guys.

[22:42] Because when you're

[22:42] doing speed dating

[22:43] these days,

[22:44] half the time

[22:44] is in a steam room.

Elliott Kalan

[22:46] Because when you're

[22:47] going on not just

[22:48] a blind date

[22:48] but a blind group date

[22:49] and these are all

[22:50] people with

[22:51] psychological trauma

[22:52] who are worried

[22:54] or anxious in some way,

[22:55] it's best to do it

[22:56] in a place where

[22:56] you wear not very

[22:57] many clothes

[22:58] and it's really hot.

[22:59] Yeah, you want to

[22:59] sweat it out.

[23:00] You want to be

[23:01] as uncomfortable

[23:01] as possible.

[23:02] I'm going to get it

[23:02] all out.

Stuart Wellington

[23:02] I mean, that's the

[23:03] best way to meet

[23:04] somebody, right?

[23:05] Is to be really hot

[23:06] and wearing very little

[23:06] clothes.

Dan McCoy

[23:07] Yeah, exactly.

[23:07] But they're talking

[23:08] about their lives.

[23:09] They're explaining

[23:10] who they are

[23:11] and they'll have

[23:12] one person

[23:13] in a big

[23:14] close-up headshot

[23:16] on one side

[23:16] of the screen

[23:17] and then they'll

[23:17] have another person

[23:18] and the other

[23:19] side of the screen

[23:20] reacting as if

[23:21] they're listening

[23:21] but it's clear

[23:23] that all of the

[23:23] reaction shots

[23:24] were just

[23:24] the director being

[23:25] like, alright,

[23:26] we're going to

[23:26] shoot a bunch

[23:26] of reaction shots

[23:27] now and the

[23:28] actors had no

[23:29] idea what they

[23:29] were reacting to.

[23:30] There's no

[23:30] connection in the

[23:32] reactions to what

[23:33] the people are

[23:33] saying and they're

[23:34] just imposed

[23:35] on the sides

[23:36] of the screen.

[23:38] It's, you know,

[23:39] it's De Palma

[23:40] without any sense

[23:42] of, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[23:44] And some of the

[23:44] times the,

[23:46] instead of,

[23:46] like, if I wasn't

[23:47] paying attention,

[23:48] I would think

[23:48] that one of

[23:49] the characters

[23:49] was just really

[23:50] small and the

[23:51] person was really

[23:52] big sitting next

[23:53] to them.

Dan McCoy

[23:53] Yeah, it's forced

[23:53] perspective.

[23:54] It's like in

[23:54] Fellowship of the

[23:55] Ring or something.

Elliott Kalan

[23:56] During those

[23:57] scenes there's also

[23:57] a lot of editing

[23:58] where someone

[23:59] will be talking

[23:59] and then it

[24:00] will cut to a

[24:00] shot of them

[24:01] not talking

[24:02] but the audio

[24:02] will continue

[24:03] and then it

[24:04] will cut back.

[24:05] So it's these,

[24:05] like, I guess

[24:06] they're trying to

[24:07] disorient you but

[24:08] they do it in

[24:08] just a way that

[24:09] makes you angry

[24:10] as opposed to

Dan McCoy

[24:11] confused.

[24:12] Someone will be

[24:13] talking and then

[24:13] they'll cut to a

[24:14] shot of the same

[24:15] person talking but

[24:17] their lips no

[24:18] longer match what

[24:19] they're saying.

[24:20] Yeah, that too.

Stuart Wellington

[24:20] Or it's like that

[24:21] weird, like, that

[24:22] monologue that Eric

[24:23] Roberts does near the

[24:24] end of the movie

[24:25] where, like, he'll

[24:26] be talking while

[24:27] sitting in this,

[24:28] like, in the pool

[24:29] of water and then

[24:30] he'll be talking

[24:31] about the same

[24:32] ship pacing around

[24:33] and then he'll

[24:34] talk again and

[24:35] he'll be back in

[24:35] the water and,

[24:37] like, wait, do

[24:38] these things happen

[24:39] at the same time?

[24:40] Did, like, did he

[24:41] just happen to,

[24:42] like, did they, like,

[24:43] cut it all together

[24:44] weird?

[24:45] Like, what's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[24:45] What are we supposed

[24:46] to believe is happening

[24:47] right then?

[24:48] Are we cut, did he

[24:49] give this speech a

[24:50] couple times or is it

[24:51] he's getting up and

[24:52] getting back in again?

[24:53] It does, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:53] Is he super fast or

[24:55] maybe are there

[24:55] multiples of him?

[24:56] Like, J.B.

[24:57] Madrox the multiple

[24:58] name?

Elliott Kalan

[24:58] Yeah, maybe J.B.

[24:59] Madrox the multiple.

[25:00] I've never heard it

[25:00] pronounced Madrox but

[25:01] I've never heard it

[25:02] pronounced ever, so.

[25:03] Okay.

[25:04] So, guys, I bet that.

[25:05] I always assumed it

Dan McCoy

[25:06] was Madrox.

[25:06] Well, that'd be weird.

[25:08] I bet that these

[25:08] people, you know, I

[25:10] bet that they prove

[25:11] Val Kilmer wrong.

[25:12] I bet they get along

[25:13] pretty well in that

[25:14] steam room together.

[25:15] I bet that, you know.

[25:16] Incorrect.

[25:16] Oh, really?

[25:17] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[25:18] They crack within

[25:19] minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[25:19] Yeah, like, five

[25:20] minutes and as soon as

[25:21] one, like, even

[25:21] before somebody tries

[25:24] to leave and finds

[25:25] out they locked in.

Elliott Kalan

[25:25] No, this is after

[25:26] they find out they

[25:27] locked in.

[25:27] Okay, I thought

[25:28] they weren't getting

[25:28] along.

[25:28] Well, no, they're

[25:29] already angry and

[25:30] yelling at each other.

[25:31] Then when they find

[25:32] out they're...

[25:32] They're taking an

Dan McCoy

[25:33] intense, immediate

[25:33] dislike to each other.

Elliott Kalan

[25:34] It is a very

[25:35] unsuccessful date.

Dan McCoy

[25:37] Particularly the

[25:38] sexy girl and the

[25:39] Brooklynite.

[25:40] Yeah.

[25:41] Just, you know,

[25:41] oil and water guys.

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] Yeah.

[25:45] And they're both

[25:46] liquids.

[25:47] And, yeah, and he

[25:48] realized that...

Stuart Wellington

[25:49] It would be oil,

[25:50] the Brooklyn guy,

[25:50] huh?

[25:51] Is that what you're

[25:51] trying to say?

[25:51] Because he owns

[25:52] an Italian restaurant.

[25:53] Oh, Dan.

[25:54] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[25:55] Because they're

[25:55] greasy?

[25:56] Dan.

[25:56] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] That is right.

[25:58] That's offensive.

Dan McCoy

[25:59] I think that the

[26:00] movie was offensive.

[26:01] They put him in a

[26:01] leopard print...

[26:04] Speedo-y type thing?

[26:05] Speedo thing, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:06] And he has a tattoo

[26:07] of one of his family

[26:08] members, presumably,

[26:09] on his arm.

[26:10] And the girl has a

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] tattoo of, like,

[26:12] a fairy or

[26:13] something.

[26:14] Right over her

[26:15] cooch.

[26:15] Right above her,

[26:16] yeah.

[26:17] Her genital area.

[26:19] Her cooch, as you

[26:20] said, I don't know.

[26:21] I don't know if they

[26:21] put it.

[26:22] Right beneath her

[26:23] navel.

[26:23] Let's say that.

[26:24] But, uh, it, like, as

[26:26] soon as he realizes

[26:27] they're trapped, he

[26:28] rips a pipe out of

[26:29] the wall and starts

[26:30] trying to break open

[26:31] the window in the

[26:31] door of the sauna.

Dan McCoy

[26:32] A reasonable

[26:33] strategy, I would

[26:34] say.

[26:34] Yeah.

[26:35] And what's a hard

[26:36] thing that we can

[26:37] use to break a

[26:38] softer thing?

[26:39] And later, it's a

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] strategy that works.

[26:41] Yeah.

[26:41] But they're all

[26:41] yelling at him,

Dan McCoy

[26:42] what are you doing?

[26:43] Ah, stop, what are

[26:44] you doing?

Elliott Kalan

[26:44] Stop at all.

[26:45] And he gets mad at,

[26:46] and the, and the,

[26:48] the sassy broad,

[26:49] yeah, starts yelling

[26:51] at him that he's a

[26:52] failure or something,

[26:52] I don't remember.

[26:53] And he gets so mad

[26:54] that he starts trying

[26:55] to choke her to

[26:55] death.

[26:56] Yeah.

[26:56] And it all happens

[26:57] very quickly.

Dan McCoy

[26:58] Yeah.

[26:59] And, uh, yeah, he's

[27:01] choking her with a

[27:02] pipe, and then, uh,

[27:03] the catatonic woman

[27:04] stabs him.

[27:05] Stabs him with a

[27:06] piece of, a shard of

[27:08] tile that came off

[27:09] the wall.

[27:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:10] Which, I mean,

[27:11] there's four other

[27:12] people in this sauna,

[27:13] like, they could have

[27:14] easily restrained this

[27:15] guy.

[27:16] Yeah.

[27:17] I mean, yeah, they

[27:18] have no one to blame

[27:19] but themselves.

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:20] It's not the crazy

[27:21] girl's fault.

Elliott Kalan

[27:22] And the crazy girl

[27:23] eventually, at a grief,

[27:25] slits her own throat.

Dan McCoy

[27:26] Yeah, well, let's not

[27:26] get, let's not get

[27:27] ahead.

[27:27] That's the first,

[27:28] that's the first of

[27:29] these six little

[27:30] Indians to die.

[27:31] Oh, that's right.

[27:32] Okay.

[27:32] In this, uh,

[27:32] scenario.

[27:33] Who comes, who

[27:33] comes next?

[27:34] Nailhead?

[27:34] Nailhead comes.

[27:37] Hellraiser, Hellraiser's

[27:38] pinhead.

[27:40] It's the one who

[27:40] dies.

[27:40] Doug Bradley was

[27:41] in this movie?

[27:42] Oh, yeah.

[27:43] No, their, their big,

[27:44] their big, um, scheme

[27:45] next is to lift up the

[27:48] sexy girl perpendicular

[27:49] They've broken up

[27:49] the window of the

[27:51] door.

[27:51] Perpendicular to the

[27:52] door.

[27:52] Yeah.

[27:53] And, like, put her

[27:54] head out of the

[27:55] little window.

[27:56] At first, it looks

[27:57] like they're going to

[27:57] use her as a ram to

[27:59] ram down the door.

[28:00] But they put her head

[28:01] out.

[28:02] And this masked

[28:03] figure, who I don't

[28:04] think we ever get

[28:04] any closure on

[28:05] exactly who it was.

[28:07] I gotta assume it's

[28:08] either Val Kilmer

Elliott Kalan

[28:09] or Crazy Doctor.

[28:10] Yeah.

[28:11] Oh, no, Crazy Doctor's

[28:11] in the sauna.

[28:12] It's gotta be Val Kilmer.

[28:13] Oh, my God, he's two

Stuart Wellington

[28:13] places at once, man.

[28:14] Like Jamie Madrox.

Elliott Kalan

[28:15] Yeah, holy shit.

[28:17] Jamie Hydrox.

[28:18] The off-brand Oreo.

Dan McCoy

[28:20] They never explicitly

[28:21] say that it's Val Kilmer,

[28:22] but some figure comes

[28:23] along and nail guns the

[28:24] girl thrice in the

[28:26] forehead.

Stuart Wellington

[28:27] acting indicated that it

[28:28] was somebody as

[28:29] confident as Val Kilmer.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] At that point, like,

[28:31] again, this is an

[28:31] experiment with very

[28:33] specific conditions that

[28:34] wouldn't really be

[28:34] replicated in the real

[28:35] world, but at that

[28:37] point, the entire

[28:38] experiment falls apart.

Dan McCoy

[28:39] When global warming

[28:40] starts, there's just

[28:41] going to be nail guns

[28:42] roaming the streets

[28:43] shooting people.

[28:44] I guess.

[28:45] What?

[28:45] Wait, the nail guns

[28:46] shooting people?

[28:47] Yeah.

[28:47] Shooting people who

[28:48] are trying to leave

[28:48] the earth?

[28:49] It's like maximum

Dan McCoy

[28:49] overdrive?

[28:50] I have some literature

[28:53] about 2012 that you

[28:55] should read, Stuart.

[28:55] Okay.

[28:57] Mine calendar.

[28:58] Look it up.

Elliott Kalan

[29:01] That's...

[29:01] 2012 is my favorite

[29:03] conspiracy theory, by

[29:04] the way, because it's...

[29:05] Or cataclysm theory,

[29:08] because it's like,

[29:10] oh my god, this

[29:11] calendar that people

[29:12] stopped using 500

[29:13] years ago kind of

[29:16] hints that the

[29:17] calendar will stop in

[29:18] 2012.

Dan McCoy

[29:20] Whereas maybe the

[29:21] Mayans were just

[29:22] like, you know what?

[29:22] We don't need to go

[29:23] past 2012.

[29:25] I mean, we're doing

[29:26] this...

[29:26] That's so far in the

[29:27] future.

[29:28] We can just figure it

[29:29] out until 2012.

[29:30] It's 1506 right now.

[29:31] We've got 500 years

[29:33] to figure this out.

[29:34] We're doing pretty

[29:34] well.

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] But like, these

[29:36] people who didn't

[29:36] know what germs

[29:37] were, obviously

[29:40] could foresee the

[29:41] future.

[29:42] These people who

[29:43] thought men riding

[29:44] horses were gods,

[29:46] you know...

[29:46] Alien.

Dan McCoy

[29:47] You gotta respect

[29:47] the indigenous

[29:48] people.

[29:48] I don't.

Stuart Wellington

[29:50] They probably

[29:50] know magic or

[29:52] something, right?

Elliott Kalan

[29:53] It's like, well...

[29:54] Ancient Mayan

[29:55] magic.

[29:55] They knew that the

[29:56] only way to appease

[29:57] the gods was

[29:58] cutting people's

[29:58] heads off.

[29:59] And that's true.

[30:00] And that's true.

[30:01] They had the

[30:02] inside track.

[30:02] 2012 it is.

[30:03] But anyway, yeah,

[30:05] nail guns.

[30:06] Yeah, so nail gun

[30:06] dies.

[30:07] That's the second

[30:08] casualty.

Dan McCoy

[30:08] And then Catatonic

[30:10] Girl is overcome.

[30:12] There's a long

[30:13] sequence.

[30:13] A lot.

[30:14] A long, long

[30:15] sequence while

[30:15] opera is playing

[30:16] where...

[30:18] Like Carmina

Stuart Wellington

[30:19] Burana or

[30:20] something?

Dan McCoy

[30:20] No, it's more

[30:21] like...

[30:21] Not like that

[30:21] dramatic.

[30:23] You know, not...

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] This is also a movie

[30:25] that the characters

[30:26] are introduced to

[30:27] the strains of

[30:29] Ravel's Bolero,

[30:30] which plays for

[30:31] about 100 minutes.

[30:33] Yeah.

[30:33] It's one of the

[30:34] longest, most

[30:34] repetitive songs I

[30:35] can think of.

[30:36] And they play as

[30:37] much of it as they

[30:38] can.

Dan McCoy

[30:38] But you get

[30:39] these long,

[30:39] overexposed,

[30:40] steam room,

[30:42] bright yellow

[30:43] sequences of

[30:44] things happening

[30:45] in slow motion.

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] Everything in the

[30:47] sauna is bright

[30:47] yellow or bright

[30:49] orange and

[30:50] overexposed.

Stuart Wellington

[30:51] That's to make

[30:51] you feel like

[30:52] you're there,

[30:53] Elliot.

[30:53] Feel that heat.

Elliott Kalan

[30:55] But slow motion.

Stuart Wellington

[30:56] Wet on your

[30:57] body.

[30:58] Yeah, feel the

[30:58] heat.

[30:59] We should have

[30:59] turned the heat

[31:00] up in here,

[31:02] dude.

[31:03] Let's watch it

[31:04] again.

Dan McCoy

[31:04] I think that

[31:05] mustache is

[31:05] doing the job.

[31:07] That's the way

[31:07] it was originally

[31:08] shown.

[31:09] It was like

[31:09] William Castle

[31:09] showed it.

[31:10] They showed

[31:11] it in a sauna.

Elliott Kalan

[31:12] Yeah, they had

[31:13] a guy with a

[31:13] mustache in

[31:14] every theater.

Stuart Wellington

[31:16] Slowly turning

[31:17] up the

[31:17] thermostat.

[31:18] I mean,

[31:18] that's not

[31:19] improbable.

[31:22] Statistically,

[31:22] there probably

[31:23] was a guy

[31:23] with a mustache

[31:24] in every theater.

[31:25] Well, they're

[31:25] not as popular

[31:26] as they once

[31:26] were.

Dan McCoy

[31:27] It was only

[31:27] showed in

[31:28] two theaters.

[31:29] In Mustache

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] County.

[31:32] It's during

[31:33] a mustache

[31:33] festival.

[31:35] It was

Dan McCoy

[31:36] originally called

[31:37] the mustache

[31:37] experiment.

Elliott Kalan

[31:40] They had to

[31:40] go back

[31:41] afterwards and

[31:41] digitally erase

[31:42] the mustaches

[31:42] all the actors

[31:43] wore.

Dan McCoy

[31:44] My theory is

[31:45] that when

[31:45] global warming

[31:46] starts,

[31:47] everyone will

[31:48] want to shave

[31:48] their mustaches

[31:49] because their

[31:50] upper lips are

[31:50] going to be so

[31:51] sweaty.

[31:53] You're crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[31:55] You're crazy,

[31:56] Pettis.

[31:58] Pettis.

[32:00] Val Kilmer's

[32:00] name is

[32:00] Pettis, by the

[32:02] way.

[32:02] I refuse to

[32:03] print this

Dan McCoy

[32:04] theory on the

[32:05] front page of the

[32:06] newspaper.

[32:06] primarily because

[32:08] it is completely

[32:09] unimportant.

Elliott Kalan

[32:11] You're so-called

[32:12] mustache festo

[32:13] on this topic.

Dan McCoy

[32:16] But anyway.

[32:17] Oh, so

[32:17] nail head.

[32:18] There's a long,

[32:18] long, long

[32:19] sequence of

[32:20] people putting

[32:20] towels over the

[32:21] dead woman and

[32:22] like, oh, the

[32:23] catatonic girl

[32:24] comes up and

[32:25] kisses the dead

[32:25] woman in the

[32:26] least sexy girl

[32:27] on girl scene.

[32:28] Ever.

Stuart Wellington

[32:28] I was looking for

[32:29] a little bit of

[32:30] Frenching.

[32:31] Sure.

[32:32] Nope.

[32:33] That's kind of

Dan McCoy

[32:34] nothing.

[32:35] You know, and

[32:35] the keywords on

[32:36] the IMDb

[32:36] keywords, it

[32:37] has to be like

[32:38] lesbian necrophilia.

[32:40] That's got to be

[32:40] one of the things.

Elliott Kalan

[32:41] And you want to

[32:42] see what movies

[32:42] are recommended

[32:43] along with it.

[32:44] Because it's like,

[32:44] I might have

[32:45] talked about this

[32:45] on a previous

[32:46] podcast.

[32:46] For whatever

[32:47] reason, I don't

[32:48] remember why, I

[32:48] was looking up the

[32:49] entry for

[32:49] From Hell on

[32:50] IMDb.

[32:51] And it said,

[32:52] if you like

[32:52] this movie, you

[32:53] might also like

[32:53] Rising Sun.

[32:56] It's like, the

[32:57] only thing these

[32:57] have in common is

[32:58] that prostitutes

[32:59] are murdered in

[32:59] them.

[33:01] That's terrible.

[33:02] Who's choosing

[33:03] their movies based

[33:04] on that criteria?

[33:05] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[33:05] Plus, if that's

[33:07] all you care about,

[33:07] you can just turn

[33:08] on Cinemax at

[33:09] like 12 any

[33:10] night and you'll

[33:11] see a movie.

[33:12] They're usually

[33:13] strippers that

[33:13] get a kill.

[33:14] Yeah, I guess

[33:14] it's...

[33:15] Angel.

[33:16] Angel?

Stuart Wellington

[33:16] Angel, yeah.

[33:18] You know, student

[33:19] by night.

[33:19] Oh, student by

[33:20] day, stripper by

Dan McCoy

[33:21] night.

[33:21] Yeah, I think

[33:22] that this is

[33:22] possibly the most

[33:24] referenced movie

[33:25] on this podcast

[33:26] I've never seen.

Stuart Wellington

[33:27] Angel?

[33:28] Yeah.

[33:29] It's on the

[33:30] Netflix.

[33:31] Okay, well.

[33:32] Okay, so...

[33:33] I guess that's

[33:33] your recommendation.

[33:34] Just put it on

[33:34] your cue.

[33:35] Now I got way

[33:36] better recommendations.

[33:36] There's the

Elliott Kalan

[33:36] girl-on-girl

[33:37] necrophilmia,

[33:38] and then she

[33:40] kills herself,

[33:41] and who comes

[33:41] out?

[33:41] Necrophilmia?

[33:42] Yeah, because

[33:42] it's in a movie.

[33:44] And then is

[33:45] Eric Roberts

[33:46] the only one

[33:46] left to die

[33:47] after that?

[33:48] Yeah, Eric

[33:48] Roberts dies.

[33:49] It takes forever.

[33:51] He begins to

[33:55] think that the

[33:55] last remaining

[33:56] man and woman

[33:56] are in cahoots,

[33:58] and they are in

[33:58] cahoots, and she

[33:59] beats him to death

[34:00] with a dragon

[34:02] sculpture that

[34:03] fell off the

[34:04] wall.

[34:05] Oh, yeah, and the

[34:05] steam comes out of

[34:06] dragon mouths in the

[34:08] sauna.

[34:08] All right, well, so...

Stuart Wellington

[34:10] Just like in

[34:10] Chinese mythology.

Dan McCoy

[34:12] We've pretty much

[34:13] run through this, and

[34:14] we're getting a long

[34:15] time, so let's talk

[34:16] about this twist

[34:17] ending.

[34:17] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[34:18] My problem is...

[34:19] We barely even

[34:19] talked about Armand

[34:20] Asante's inability

[34:21] to speak English.

[34:22] So, twist ending.

[34:23] My problem with this

Dan McCoy

[34:24] is, so looking back

[34:25] on this, what are we

[34:26] to believe?

[34:26] We're to believe

[34:27] that this doctor

[34:29] created some sort

[34:31] of work release

[34:32] program for this

[34:33] crazy Val Kilmer,

[34:34] and allowed himself

[34:36] then to be, like,

[34:37] put into this

[34:37] experiment then?

[34:40] Yeah, so that he

[34:40] could touch human

[34:41] chaos.

[34:42] And then Val

[34:44] Kilmer gets recaptured,

[34:46] but the woman's like,

[34:47] oh, he's controlling

[34:47] you now.

[34:49] I don't think that

[34:50] Val Kilmer, first of

[34:50] all, is any threat

[34:51] at the beginning,

[34:52] at the end of this

[34:53] film.

[34:53] He's comatose,

[34:55] basically.

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] Well, I don't know.

[34:56] It's like Dr.

[34:57] Mabuza.

[34:57] You know, even though

[34:58] he's in a coma, he

[34:58] could probably control

[34:59] other people's minds.

[35:00] But also, I don't

[35:01] understand, like...

[35:03] It's a German film

[35:04] reference for you guys.

[35:05] Fritz Lang, look it

[35:06] up.

Dan McCoy

[35:06] Testament of Dr.

[35:07] Mabuza, I know.

Elliott Kalan

[35:08] That's the second

[35:08] one.

[35:09] Fine.

[35:10] But that's the one

[35:10] where he's taking

[35:11] people's minds from

[35:12] beyond the grave or

[35:13] something.

Dan McCoy

[35:14] But the...

[35:16] Like, why did he get

[35:17] released in the first

[35:18] place?

[35:18] And did he honestly

[35:19] have any sort of

[35:20] global warming theory?

[35:22] They released him to

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] set up this plan.

[35:23] No, because he says...

[35:23] They released him to

[35:24] set up the movie.

[35:25] He says going to...

[35:25] He says going to the

[35:27] press was a mistake.

[35:28] They released him so

[35:29] that he could set up

[35:30] this sauna experiment.

[35:31] And then he got out

[35:32] of their clutches and,

[35:33] you know, went to the

[35:35] press to tell them

[35:36] about his crazy

[35:38] mixed up bullshit.

[35:39] It was weird because

[35:40] the movie went...

[35:41] Basley Frankenweiler's

[35:42] crazy mixed up bullshit.

[35:48] The movie goes from

[35:50] being like a Saw type

[35:51] movie of like, I've

[35:52] trapped these people and

[35:53] I'm going to see how

[35:54] they react into...

[35:55] You want to play a

[35:55] little game?

[35:56] Yeah, into like

[35:57] Batman territory of

[35:58] like, well, the crime

[36:00] asylum run by Dr.

[36:01] Crazy has another

[36:03] crime experiment to

[36:05] hold, you know.

[36:07] It just becomes a

[36:08] different universe.

Dan McCoy

[36:09] These asylums have to

[36:10] stop hiring crazy

[36:12] people to run them.

[36:13] Yeah.

[36:13] That's like the number

[36:14] one problem in mental

[36:15] health today.

[36:16] Inmates run the

[36:17] asylum, guys.

[36:18] Exactly.

[36:19] Well...

[36:19] Yeah, makes you

[36:20] examine yourself.

[36:21] The important thing.

[36:22] Who's really crazy?

[36:23] House on Haunted Hill.

[36:25] Yes, that's an example.

[36:27] Chasers, yeah.

[36:30] Mind hunters.

[36:31] Yeah.

[36:31] All right.

[36:32] That's not really like that.

[36:33] Baby's Day Out.

[36:35] That movie about a zombie

[36:37] women's prison.

[36:38] Anyway.

[36:40] So, but my other

[36:41] problem with the movie

[36:42] as a whole, like, this

[36:43] brings it up, is this

[36:45] feels like one of these

[36:45] movies where the

[36:46] screenwriter's like,

[36:47] oh, what's an issue I

[36:49] can peg this movie to?

[36:50] Yeah.

[36:50] Like, what's an

[36:50] important issue that I

[36:51] feel strongly about?

[36:53] Oh, global warming.

[36:55] But the problem in all

[36:56] these movies is these

[36:58] movies always want to

[36:58] address these big issues

[37:00] by making the person

[37:02] who's concerned about

[37:02] these issues into a

[37:03] crazy lunatic.

[37:04] Yeah.

[37:05] And so I'm like, so I

[37:07] guess that I were to

[37:09] believe that global

[37:10] warming isn't a

[37:11] problem because crazy

[37:13] Val Kilmer is behind

[37:14] it.

[37:15] Like, I think that the

[37:16] screenwriter wants us to

[37:17] think about these issues,

[37:19] but instead we're kind

[37:20] of like, oh, God, I'm

[37:22] I hope I don't get

[37:24] trapped in a steam room.

[37:26] That's the moral

[37:27] way.

[37:28] That would suck.

Elliott Kalan

[37:28] Better stay away from

[37:29] these global warming

[37:30] wackos.

Stuart Wellington

[37:31] Better not answer any

[37:32] weird ads on the

[37:33] internet.

Elliott Kalan

[37:34] If a dating service

[37:35] offers me $5,000, I

[37:37] will not take it.

Stuart Wellington

[37:38] I will assume

[37:39] something's up because

[37:40] that seems weird.

[37:41] You normally pay for

[37:42] the dating service.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] You know what?

[37:43] I might just not even

[37:44] set foot in Grand

[37:45] Rapids.

[37:46] How about that?

[37:47] Let's just avoid

[37:48] Grand Rapids,

[37:49] Michigan.

Stuart Wellington

[37:49] That's just common

Dan McCoy

[37:50] sense.

[37:51] That's good advice.

Stuart Wellington

[37:53] But, yeah, but it's

[37:54] it's I don't

[37:55] I think what the

[37:56] movie's really trying

[37:57] to say is that when

[37:59] the apocalypse happens

[38:01] and it gets really

[38:02] hot out, we're

[38:04] going to stab the

[38:05] shit out of each

[38:06] other.

[38:06] I think that's the

Elliott Kalan

[38:07] main feature of the

[38:10] apocalypse is it gets

[38:11] really hot out.

[38:12] Oh, my God.

[38:13] It's super hot.

[38:13] Guys, this apocalypse

[38:14] is just sweltering.

Stuart Wellington

[38:16] And all these

[38:16] Italian meatball

[38:18] guys are flipping

[38:20] out first and then

[38:21] they're going to try

[38:21] and kill the hot

[38:22] chicks.

Dan McCoy

[38:24] Italian meatball

[38:25] bias?

[38:25] Like vendors?

[38:27] Like street vendors?

[38:28] Like Chef Boyardee?

Stuart Wellington

[38:30] Yeah, probably.

[38:31] Well, they're going

[38:32] to get fucking pissed

[38:33] and they're going to

[38:33] start trying to choke

[38:34] all the hot chicks

[38:35] and we're going to be

[38:36] like, no, dude,

[38:37] don't.

[38:38] And then some crazy

[38:39] broad is going to

[38:39] stab them all and

[38:40] it's going to be a

[38:42] whole fucking problem.

[38:43] Wow, the apocalypse

[38:44] sounds terrible.

[38:45] It's going to be a

[38:46] fucking problem.

Dan McCoy

[38:47] Yeah, but before

[38:48] things get bad,

[38:49] there are going to

[38:50] be topless women

[38:50] running around.

[38:52] Just very briefly.

[38:53] Well, that was not

[38:54] brief.

[38:55] I mean.

[38:55] Actually, it took a

[38:56] very long time.

[38:56] It was a lingering

[38:57] sequence.

[38:58] I've never realized

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] before how much

[39:00] context I like for

Dan McCoy

[39:01] nudity in films.

Elliott Kalan

[39:02] As much as I like

[39:04] it to look at

[39:04] topless women.

Dan McCoy

[39:05] Can you sexy it up

[39:05] a little bit with

[39:06] the story?

Elliott Kalan

[39:06] Well, no, it's

[39:07] almost like if this

[39:09] was porn.

Stuart Wellington

[39:10] I'm here to deliver

[39:11] your milk.

[39:12] Why are your breasts

[39:13] going out?

[39:13] Hot!

Elliott Kalan

[39:14] No, but if it was

[39:14] pornography and

[39:15] suddenly a woman

[39:16] took her top off,

[39:17] I'd be like,

[39:17] I don't need a

[39:18] reason.

[39:18] But to watch a

[39:19] real movie, if a

[39:21] woman just takes

[39:21] her top off for

[39:22] no reason, for

[39:23] some reason it

[39:24] becomes not sexy,

Dan McCoy

[39:25] but like, it's

Elliott Kalan

[39:27] like, do you

[39:28] really think this

[39:29] is going to win

[39:29] me over?

[39:30] Please, I am

[39:32] more discerning

[39:32] than this.

[39:33] Are we to

[39:33] believe that

Dan McCoy

[39:34] women just

[39:34] remove their

[39:35] tops willy-nilly?

[39:36] In my experience,

[39:38] that is not the

[39:38] case, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[39:39] It only happens

[39:40] around David

[39:40] DeCoffe.

[39:42] Or even like

[39:42] when we watched

[39:43] the crappy

[39:44] Friday the 13th

[39:45] remake, like,

[39:46] women took

[39:47] off their

[39:47] tops and

[39:47] it was like,

[39:48] uh-oh, tops

[39:49] are coming off,

[39:50] but like, you

[39:51] know, because

[39:51] they're crazy.

[39:52] The whole point

[39:53] of those movies

[39:53] is crazy teens

[39:54] are trying to

[39:54] have sex with

[39:55] each other.

Dan McCoy

[39:55] Heck yeah.

[39:56] But in this

[39:56] one, it was

[39:57] established a

[39:57] universe, the

[39:58] Friday the 13th

[39:59] universe, where

[39:59] that happens.

Elliott Kalan

[40:00] 13th universe, yeah.

[40:01] But in this one,

[40:02] it's literally, she's

[40:03] in a room full of

[40:04] people she doesn't

[40:05] like, and she

[40:06] just takes, she

[40:07] doesn't know, and

[40:08] takes her top off

[40:10] It's not even like

[40:11] it was a, the top

[40:12] was covering her

[40:12] that well, and then

[40:14] puts it back on

[40:15] again.

[40:15] It really doesn't,

[40:16] it's just so

[40:17] blatant.

Stuart Wellington

[40:17] And when

[40:18] somebody compliments

[40:19] her on her

[40:20] breasts, she's

[40:23] antagonistic about it.

[40:24] Yeah, she doesn't

[40:24] like it.

[40:25] And yeah, that

[40:25] doesn't win me.

[40:26] So what you're

Dan McCoy

[40:27] saying, Elliot, is

[40:28] you would have

[40:28] preferred a scene

[40:29] where late in the

[40:29] movie, everyone

[40:30] was suddenly like,

[40:31] we gotta get

[40:31] these clothes off.

[40:33] Exactly, yeah.

[40:33] Oh, it's so hot.

[40:35] Yeah, that would

[40:35] have made more

[40:36] sense.

[40:36] Just some reason.

Stuart Wellington

[40:37] There's all this

[40:37] blood all over the

[40:38] place.

[40:38] I'm super turned

[40:39] on.

[40:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:42] Again, but it's

[40:43] context.

[40:43] If I was watching

[40:44] a movie called

[40:44] like, you know,

[40:46] Bikini Sauna

[40:46] Girls,

[40:47] and they were

[40:48] just like, well,

[40:48] time to take our

[40:49] tops off, then I'd

[40:50] say, this makes

[40:50] sense to me.

[40:51] Yeah.

[40:52] That's the way

[40:53] it goes.

[40:54] You can just

[40:55] call it the

[40:55] Bikini Experiment

[40:56] at that point.

[40:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:58] Okay, I mean, I

[40:59] guess as soon as

[40:59] you start involving

[41:00] bikinis, chaos is

Elliott Kalan

[41:02] he goes along.

[41:03] He goes, like,

[41:04] now all you think

[41:05] of is an entire

[41:06] like, bikini parody

[41:07] of this movie,

[41:08] where he goes to

[41:09] like, the boob

[41:10] times, and is

[41:11] like, you've

[41:11] gotta publish my

[41:13] report about

[41:13] bikinis dissolving

[41:14] in the heat in

[41:16] the year 20.

[41:17] Yeah, yeah.

[41:18] Global warming

[41:18] is gonna make

[41:19] people's bikinis

[41:20] fall off.

[41:21] You crazy old

[41:22] man.

[41:22] I'll show them.

[41:24] So he brings

[41:24] like six sexy

[41:25] women into a

[41:26] sauna to show

[41:26] their bikinis

[41:27] fall off.

[41:27] Weirdly enough,

Stuart Wellington

[41:28] Armando Sante

[41:29] is also

Elliott Kalan

[41:29] a bad

[41:30] man.

Stuart Wellington

[41:30] He plays

Elliott Kalan

[41:34] Inspector Titsworth

[41:35] of the federal

[41:39] bikini inspectors.

[41:41] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[41:42] So I think that

[41:42] we need to move

[41:44] along.

[41:44] I think that we

[41:44] should give our

[41:45] final judgments.

[41:47] Final judgments.

[41:49] Now, was this

[41:51] movie totally,

[41:53] what was it?

[41:54] Sorry.

[41:54] I can't even

[41:54] remember what

[41:55] my joke

[41:56] categories were.

[42:00] Is this movie

[42:00] totally scarifying?

[42:04] Is it

[42:04] frighteningly funny?

[42:08] Or is it

[42:08] totally snorifying?

[42:09] That's what those

[42:10] were.

[42:10] So, Stuart,

[42:14] why don't you

[42:14] go?

[42:17] You can't see

[42:18] this, listeners,

[42:19] but Stuart's

[42:20] putting his

[42:20] thumb in a

[42:21] downward position.

[42:23] You can hear

[42:24] the fart noises.

[42:27] This movie was

[42:27] a fucking piece

[42:28] of shit.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] Elliot.

[42:32] It started out

[42:33] frighteningly funny,

[42:34] but then it got

[42:35] totally snorifying.

[42:37] So, you know,

[42:38] it was like,

[42:39] it was kind

[42:40] of funny how

[42:40] bad it was at

[42:41] first, and then

[42:42] about 20 minutes

[42:43] in, you know,

[42:45] you realize that

[42:45] there was 70

[42:47] minutes left of

[42:48] this movie.

Dan McCoy

[42:49] It is, it is

[42:50] like, sleep

[42:51] inspiring.

[42:53] However,

[42:54] that was

[42:54] the director's

[42:55] intention.

Elliott Kalan

[42:55] Yeah, well, it

[42:56] was originally

[42:57] supposed to be a

[42:57] replacement for

[42:58] NyQuil.

Stuart Wellington

[42:58] Oh, that's why

[43:01] there was that

[43:01] warning on the

[43:02] box.

[43:02] They were

Elliott Kalan

[43:02] looking for a

[43:03] film substitute

[43:04] for Ambien.

Stuart Wellington

[43:05] Yeah, it's a

[43:06] phantasmagorical

[43:07] dreamscape.

[43:08] Eyes Wide

[43:09] good.

[43:11] I would say

Dan McCoy

[43:12] that if you're

[43:13] like a bad

[43:13] movie fan, and

[43:15] for some reason,

[43:16] like this is on

[43:17] television, I

[43:17] wouldn't say

[43:18] rented, but if

[43:18] it's on

[43:18] television, watch

[43:20] like the first

[43:20] 30 minutes.

[43:21] Yeah, it's worth

[43:21] watching a little

[43:22] bit.

[43:22] It's very funny,

[43:23] then maybe flip

[43:23] back for the

[43:24] last 10, but in

[43:26] the middle, you

[43:27] don't need to

[43:27] worry about.

[43:28] So what you're

[43:28] saying is, DVR

[43:29] this movie.

[43:29] Yeah.

[43:30] TiVo this movie,

[43:31] and then fast

[43:32] forward through a

[43:32] lot of it.

[43:33] Because a lot of

[43:34] it is actually

[43:35] much funnier than

[43:36] any bad movie

[43:37] we've seen in a

[43:37] while.

[43:37] And the

[43:38] problem with

[43:38] watching more

[43:40] major releases all

[43:41] the time is,

[43:42] usually those films

[43:43] have a certain

[43:44] level of

[43:44] competence, even

[43:45] if they're

[43:46] terrible.

[43:47] That this one

[43:47] did not have.

[43:47] That this film

[43:48] did not have.

[43:49] No, no, it

[43:49] didn't.

[43:50] So the

[43:50] laughs in it,

[43:51] the big laughs

[43:52] were bigger, but

[43:53] then there was a

[43:54] lot of really

[43:54] slow stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] Yeah.

[43:56] Basically, the

[43:56] sauna scenes were

[43:57] pretty awful.

[43:58] Yeah.

[43:59] But Val

[43:59] Kimmer's

[43:59] performance, that

[44:01] was the comedy

[44:02] performance of the

[44:03] year.

[44:04] Well, I always

[44:04] say he's a

[44:05] better comic

Dan McCoy

[44:05] actor than

[44:06] he's a

[44:06] dramatic actor.

Stuart Wellington

[44:08] That's a

[44:09] performance that

[44:10] if they want to

[44:12] make an epic

[44:12] movie, teen

[44:14] movie, scary

[44:15] movie type

[44:15] parody of a

[44:17] shitty Saw

[44:17] movie.

[44:18] That's it,

[44:18] right there.

[44:19] Yeah, he's the

[44:20] lead.

[44:20] He's the bad

[44:21] guy.

Dan McCoy

[44:21] Well, he's

[44:21] basically playing

[44:22] Chris Elliott in

[44:23] Scary Movie 2,

[44:24] I think.

[44:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:25] Well, he threw a

[44:26] little bit of

[44:26] Heath Ledger's

[44:27] Joker in there

[44:28] also.

[44:28] Yeah.

[44:29] At times.

[44:30] But bad.

[44:32] Yeah, but not

[44:32] good.

Stuart Wellington

[44:33] All the good

[44:33] parts about

[44:34] Keith Ledger's

[44:35] performance.

[44:37] I love how

[44:38] Michelle Williams

[44:39] is going to

[44:39] stop listening to

Elliott Kalan

[44:40] this podcast.

[44:40] You refuse to

[44:41] give the minimum

[44:42] level of respect

[44:42] to a dead man

[44:44] who was in a

[44:45] movie you liked.

Stuart Wellington

[44:49] A Night's Tale

[44:50] is really good.

Dan McCoy

[44:53] Alright, so let's

[44:54] move on to our

[44:55] recommendations of

[44:56] movies that we

[44:56] actually enjoy.

[44:57] Recommendations.

[44:58] Enjoy.

[44:59] Other movies.

[45:02] I'm going to

[45:03] start off and I'm

[45:04] going to say that

[45:05] apologize.

[45:06] Hog the

[45:06] spotlight.

[45:07] I never do

[45:08] this.

[45:09] apologize that I'm

[45:10] going to recommend

[45:11] a movie that I've

[45:11] seen half of.

[45:13] And I'm doing

[45:14] this because I've

[45:15] been so busy.

Elliott Kalan

[45:16] The look on

[45:16] Stuart's face is

[45:17] shocked.

Dan McCoy

[45:18] Well, the other

[45:19] half is waiting on

[45:20] my DVR, Stuart.

[45:21] So if I watch

[45:22] the other half.

[45:22] This better be

Elliott Kalan

[45:22] like fucking

[45:23] Berlin Alexander

[45:24] plots and it's

[45:24] just so long that

[45:25] you haven't

[45:25] been able to

[45:26] watch it yet.

Dan McCoy

[45:26] If I watch the

[45:27] other half and

[45:27] I don't like the

[45:29] second half, I

[45:30] will recant.

[45:31] I will recant on

[45:32] the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[45:33] This charming

[45:34] romantic film

[45:35] audition.

[45:36] Yeah, Dan, we'll

[45:37] hold you to that.

[45:38] If you don't like

[45:38] it, you must

[45:39] correct yourself.

Dan McCoy

[45:40] Yeah, but I've

[45:41] just been really

[45:41] busy this month.

[45:42] And speaking of

[45:43] busy, my sketch

[45:46] group is doing two

[45:47] Halloween shows,

[45:48] one of which,

[45:49] one of which will

[45:50] be done by the

[45:50] time this podcast

[45:51] goes out.

[45:51] But I'll put a

[45:52] link up for the

[45:53] second one and

[45:54] that's part of why

[45:55] I've been busy.

[45:55] But I recorded

[45:57] this movie off of

[46:00] IFC on a late

[46:02] Saturday night and

[46:03] I like how late on

[46:04] Saturday night they

[46:04] play sort of like

[46:05] sleazier films.

[46:07] They're like,

[46:07] here's a forgotten

[46:08] exploitation film.

Elliott Kalan

[46:09] I don't know,

[46:10] they'll play

[46:10] maniac in the

[46:11] middle of the

[46:11] day.

[46:12] That's true.

[46:13] But I recorded a

[46:15] movie called

[46:16] Terror Vision.

[46:17] Oh, I saw that

[46:18] in the cable

[46:19] guide.

[46:19] It was right

[46:20] after Videodrome,

[46:22] right?

[46:22] Yeah.

[46:23] And this movie,

Dan McCoy

[46:24] I've only seen

[46:25] half of it,

[46:26] but the half I've

[46:27] seen is great.

[46:28] It's got Mary

[46:30] Warnoff, is that

[46:31] her last name?

[46:32] She was in

[46:33] Eating Raul and

[46:34] Chopping Mall and

[46:35] she was in a lot of

[46:36] early 80s

[46:37] exploitation films.

[46:40] I don't remember.

[46:41] It's just a real

[46:42] time capsule of

[46:43] things that people

[46:45] thought about in the

[46:45] early 80s.

[46:46] The main characters,

[46:49] the two parents are

[46:51] swingers and the

[46:53] daughter is a

[46:54] Cyndi Lauper-esque

[46:55] girl and then

[46:57] there's the punk

[46:58] slash metal guy

[47:01] who's like Mallory's

[47:02] boyfriend from

[47:03] Family Ties.

[47:05] And it's done in

[47:06] all these Day

[47:07] Glow colors.

[47:07] It basically looks

[47:08] like Joe Dante's

[47:09] segment of Twilight

[47:09] Zone, the movie,

[47:10] all the way through

[47:11] it.

[47:11] And it has these

[47:12] great practical

[47:15] special effects of

[47:16] the monster.

[47:17] This monster, which

[47:18] is basically alien

[47:20] toxic waste that

[47:21] has been beamed

[47:21] down into a

[47:23] satellite dish.

[47:25] So it's like the

[47:26] John Ritter hit

[47:26] Stay Tuned.

[47:27] Yeah, except for

[47:28] with monsters.

[47:29] And that's another

[47:30] early 80s thing.

[47:31] They're like,

[47:32] Well, John Ritter

[47:33] film, Stay Tuned.

[47:35] It's like early in

[47:35] the 80s, like,

[47:36] oh, there's so many

[47:37] cable channels these

[47:38] days.

[47:38] And that's

[47:39] basically the

[47:40] premise of this

[47:40] film.

[47:40] There's so many

[47:41] cable channels these

[47:41] days, one of them

[47:42] has to pick up a

[47:43] monster from out of

[47:43] space.

[47:44] One of them's bound

[47:46] to bring a monster

[47:47] in it.

Elliott Kalan

[47:48] And it also feels

[47:49] like a real...

Dan McCoy

[47:49] There's 47

[47:50] channels.

[47:52] It feels like a

[47:53] really, like,

[47:54] weird, like,

[47:56] horror, mad

[47:56] magazine thing.

[47:57] Like, I kind of

[47:58] feel like, in a way,

[47:59] the 80s were the

[48:00] last gasp of the

[48:01] underground just

[48:02] because, like,

[48:03] there wasn't the

[48:05] internet that bound

[48:06] us all together,

[48:07] so weirder things

[48:08] were kind of harder

[48:09] to find.

[48:10] Like, this movie

[48:10] doesn't go that far,

[48:12] but it still has that

[48:13] feeling of, like,

[48:14] we're getting away

[48:15] with something weird

[48:16] that you wouldn't

[48:16] see.

[48:17] Like, it's a movie

[48:18] that would have been

[48:18] released to VHS tape

[48:20] and you would have

[48:20] seen it in your local

[48:21] video store.

[48:23] But, anyway,

[48:24] I've enjoyed it so far.

[48:26] So, that's my

[48:27] recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[48:28] Well, I'm going to

[48:29] recommend two movies

[48:32] that I've seen all of.

[48:33] One of them will be

[48:34] very brief on.

[48:36] It's a movie called

[48:37] Trick or Treat.

[48:38] It just got released.

[48:39] Holy shit, you've

[48:40] seen it.

[48:40] Yeah.

[48:42] And that was, you

[48:43] know, it's been

[48:44] getting a lot of good

[48:44] press.

[48:45] I thought it was

[48:46] pretty good.

[48:47] I would also, I

[48:49] mean, it's the type

[48:49] of horror movie that

[48:50] if I saw it when I

[48:51] was, like, 13, I

[48:52] would be like,

Dan McCoy

[48:53] this fucking movie

[48:54] rules.

Stuart Wellington

[48:56] But, like, as a

[48:57] grown up, I'm

[48:57] like, oh, this is

[48:58] fun, it's cool, it's

[48:59] cute.

[49:00] And the other movie I

[49:01] want to recommend is

[49:02] a movie called Savage

[49:03] Streets starring

[49:04] Linda Blair.

[49:06] It's this awesome

[49:07] exploitation, like,

[49:09] teenage, like,

[49:11] teenage gang movie

[49:12] where, like, there's

[49:13] a gang of girls and

[49:15] this, like, evil gang

[49:16] of guys that, like,

[49:18] start screwing with

[49:19] them and they end

[49:20] up, like, raping the

[49:21] female gang leader's

[49:22] sister played by a

[49:24] young Lena Quigley.

[49:26] And then Linda Blair

[49:27] goes after him with

[49:28] a crossbow.

[49:29] Oh.

[49:29] Like the Huntress.

[49:31] Yeah, and there's a

[49:31] ton of, you know,

[49:32] there's a ton of

[49:33] nudity, there's a

[49:34] great, like, all-girl

[49:36] fight scene in a

[49:37] shower.

[49:39] Yeah, it's totally

[49:40] fucking awesome.

[49:40] See, that's the kind

Elliott Kalan

[49:41] of context I'm

[49:43] talking about for

[49:44] nudity.

Stuart Wellington

[49:44] Yeah, it's a

[49:45] fucking sweet movie.

[49:47] There's a lot of

[49:47] awesome music, some

[49:49] of it written

[49:50] originally for the

[49:51] film.

[49:52] Go check out this

[49:53] movie, Savage

[49:54] Streets.

Elliott Kalan

[49:55] All right.

[49:55] Elliot?

[49:57] recommend, strangely

[49:58] enough, a movie I also

[49:59] saw on IFC, which I

[50:01] just saw recently that I

[50:02] enjoyed a lot, which is

[50:04] a Japanese kind of

[50:06] samurai ghost movie

[50:07] from 1968 called

[50:09] Black Cat, which is

[50:11] not available on DVD, I

[50:12] think, but they'll

[50:14] probably run again on

[50:14] IFC.

[50:15] So keep an eye out for

[50:17] it.

[50:17] It's during the feudal

[50:19] samurai wars of

[50:20] Japanese history, and

[50:22] this woman and her

[50:23] daughter-in-law are

[50:25] alone.

[50:26] Their son slash

[50:27] husband got sent

[50:28] out to fight in

[50:29] these wars, and

[50:30] they're living alone

[50:31] in the forest in

[50:32] their house, and a

[50:34] band of roving

[50:34] samurai comes by and

[50:35] rapes and kills

[50:36] them, as happened

[50:37] all the time in

[50:38] ancient Japan,

[50:39] according to

[50:39] movies, or

[50:40] medieval Japan.

[50:41] And so they

[50:41] become ghosts who

[50:43] also turn into

[50:45] cats, and who

[50:46] basically seduce

[50:47] samurai into coming

[50:48] and staying with

[50:49] them, and then kill

[50:49] them in the middle

[50:50] of the night and

[50:50] drink their blood.

[50:52] Meanwhile, the

[50:53] son slash husband

[50:54] has made a name

[50:55] for himself on the

[50:56] battlefield by

[50:57] killing a giant, and

[50:59] he is tasked with

[51:01] the job of

[51:02] stopping, finding out

[51:03] what's killing these

[51:04] samurais and

[51:05] destroying it.

[51:06] And I won't go any

[51:08] further than that.

[51:09] But it was directed

[51:11] by the same director

[51:12] who made the film

[51:13] Onibaba, which I

[51:14] think I also

[51:14] recommended for.

[51:16] I think I

[51:17] recommended that.

[51:18] Oh, maybe you

[51:18] recommended it.

[51:20] But it's very

[51:21] similar in tone to

[51:22] that, except where

[51:23] Onibaba doesn't

[51:24] really have any

[51:24] supernatural stuff in

[51:25] it, spoiler alert.

[51:27] Black Cat is full of

[51:29] supernatural stuff, but

[51:30] it's really creepy, and

[51:31] there's some really

[51:31] neat, like, weird

[51:33] editing moments, too.

[51:34] Speaking of Asian

[51:35] horror movies, have

[51:36] you ever seen

[51:36] Hausu?

[51:38] Oh, Haus?

[51:39] No, I remember when

[51:40] they kind of released

[51:41] it shortly here, but

[51:43] I have not seen it.

Dan McCoy

[51:44] I have only seen

[51:44] screenshots of that on

[51:46] the internet, and it

[51:46] looks like the craziest

[51:47] thing in the world.

[51:48] I so much want to

[51:49] see that movie.

[51:50] We should rent it

[51:51] sometime.

[51:52] Yeah.

[51:53] Well, guys, I think we

[51:55] should wind things

[51:56] down, mainly because

[51:57] due to the aforementioned

[51:59] busy month, I may not

[52:01] have time to edit this

[52:02] much.

[52:03] So my apologies.

[52:05] My apologies.

[52:06] My apologies.

Stuart Wellington

[52:07] What are you, Armand

[52:08] DeSante?

Elliott Kalan

[52:12] Take that, Armand.

[52:13] Oh, Stuart, you're a

[52:15] class cut-up.

Dan McCoy

[52:16] No.

[52:16] What can I say?

[52:17] My apologies to anyone

[52:19] who's listened this far

[52:20] and thought, hey,

[52:21] things seem sloppier

[52:22] than usual.

[52:22] This was kind of a

[52:23] flabby episode.

[52:24] It should suck.

[52:25] More like Slop House.

[52:27] But before we go, I

[52:31] plugged my sketch

[52:33] group, which I'll put

[52:34] up on the blog, but do

[52:35] you want to say

[52:36] anything about your

[52:36] next screening?

Elliott Kalan

[52:37] I would like to.

[52:38] I have another

[52:38] screening coming up at

[52:39] the 92nd Street Y,

[52:41] Tribeca location on

[52:42] 200 Hudson Street in

[52:44] Manhattan.

[52:44] November 4th,

[52:45] Wednesday, 8 p.m.,

[52:47] I'll be showing the

[52:47] film The Gunfighter

[52:48] with Gregory Peck.

[52:49] Which is great.

[52:50] Which is a great

[52:50] western that does not

[52:51] get the due it

[52:52] deserves because it

[52:53] was directed by Henry

[52:54] King, who is not an

[52:55] auteur, so he doesn't

[52:56] get a lot of name

[52:57] recognition.

[52:58] But it's one of the

[52:59] great westerns and the

[53:00] first great kind of

[53:02] psychological western

[53:03] or adult western with

[53:05] Gregory Peck.

[53:06] And then the next

[53:08] last screening of the

[53:09] year is December 2nd,

[53:10] the day before my

[53:11] birthday.

[53:11] I'll be showing

[53:12] Preston Sturgis'

[53:13] Miracle of Morgan's

[53:14] Creek.

[53:15] With a special guest.

[53:16] With special guest

[53:16] Kristen Schaal, who

[53:18] you may know from her

[53:19] guest spots on The

[53:20] Daily Show, or as

[53:21] Mel, the super fan in

[53:23] Flight of the

[53:24] Conchords.

[53:25] She will be coming

[53:26] by to talk to me

[53:28] about her impressions

[53:28] of the film and my

[53:29] impressions of the

[53:30] film.

[53:31] But that's not until

[53:31] December.

[53:32] So if you go to

[53:33] 92ytribeca.com.

[53:37] I'll put up a link.

[53:37] Okay, put up a link.

[53:38] Dan will put up a

[53:39] link.

[53:39] But November 4th is

[53:40] The Gunfighter.

[53:41] It's a great movie and

[53:41] you should see it.

[53:42] And December 2nd is

[53:44] Miracle of Morgan's

[53:44] Creek with special guest

[53:45] Kristen Schaal.

Dan McCoy

[53:46] Stuart, do you have

[53:47] anything you want to

[53:47] plug quickly besides

[53:48] your mustache wax?

Stuart Wellington

[53:49] Yeah, I just wanted to

[53:51] recommend a friend of

[53:53] mine whose work I've

[53:54] recommended in the past,

[53:55] Alex Smith, and who's a

[53:56] fan of the podcast, also

[53:58] has put together a little

[54:00] film for the Louisville

[54:01] 48-hour film project.

[54:03] You can see it on

[54:03] YouTube.

[54:05] The title is Bring

[54:06] Back the Bishop's Sack.

[54:07] I totally recommend it.

Dan McCoy

[54:08] All right.

[54:09] So guys, this has been

[54:10] good.

[54:12] Shocktober's over.

[54:13] Makes me a little sad

[54:14] every year.

Elliott Kalan

[54:15] Well, get ready for

[54:16] Show-vember when we do

[54:18] nothing but show tunes

[54:19] movies.

[54:21] Holy shit.

Dan McCoy

[54:22] Well, I'm excited for

[54:23] that now.

[54:24] Well, I've been Dan

[54:25] McCoy.

[54:26] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[54:27] And I remain Elliot

[54:28] Kalen.

[54:29] Good night.

[54:30] We're back on songs

[54:44] Dan doesn't know all

[54:45] the words to.

[54:46] Dan, I don't like it.

[54:47] It looked like when I

[54:48] looked in your mirror,

[54:48] I realized I have more

[54:49] gray hairs than I thought

[54:50] I did.

[54:51] Well, at least I have

[54:52] that on you.

[54:54] Yep.

[54:54] You have so much.

[54:55] Oh, no.

[54:55] My hair will go gray

[54:56] long before yours does,

[54:57] Daniel.

[54:57] My hair's already

[54:58] going gray pretty much.

[55:00] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode #48 - The Chaos Experiment

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