The Flop House: Episode #50 - Delgo

Dan McCoy

[0:00] For the 50th episode of The Flophouse, we try a Flophouse first, discussing an animated movie.

[0:06] In this episode, Delgo.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] Look out over here, tell you, Kalen.

[0:41] Stuart, you were so taken aback by my forceful introduction.

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] No, I was trying to remember if we watched a movie tonight.

[0:47] Well, before we get into that, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[0:51] The purpose of the podcast.

[0:53] This is our 50th episode.

[0:55] What?

[0:56] Our 50th full-length episode.

[0:58] If you're counting movie minutes, it would be like 82.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] Not counting our Flophouse novellas.

Dan McCoy

[1:04] But canonical episodes.

[1:07] This is the 50th one.

[1:09] Wow.

[1:09] This is our golden anniversary.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11] I wasn't there for many of those episodes.

[1:14] I'm the only one who was there for all 50 of the episodes.

[1:16] I feel like, Dan, that's a real achievement that you've reached, and I think you should be proud of it.

[1:21] This podcast has staying power.

[1:22] How long has it been in terms of chronological time?

Dan McCoy

[1:27] About two and a half years now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30] That sounds right.

[1:31] Yeah.

[1:32] I was there for most of them.

[1:34] I mean, I'm not there, but I talk about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] I'm the only one who was here for 50, so where are my gifts, guys?

[1:44] Well.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] I told Elliot to pick a month.

[1:47] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] Our presents are our presents here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51] Oh.

[1:52] That's sweet.

[1:53] Wait, you didn't tell me you were going to do that.

[1:55] Well.

[1:56] I gave you like $20.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57] Yeah, well, that's mine now.

[1:59] I went to Popeye's.

[2:00] You saw how much chicken I ate.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03] It was pretty astounding, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06] You ate 20 whole chickens.

Dan McCoy

[2:08] Part of that Popeye's dollar a chicken deal.

[2:12] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[2:13] They are losing money hand over beak on that deal.

[2:18] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[2:19] So, what do we do on this podcast that we've done 50 of?

[2:22] This podcast is based around the premise that we watch a bad movie.

[2:27] Sure.

[2:27] This isn't like a best of episode like you do for sitcom where it's like, hey, guys, remember

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] the time when we went to the prom together?

Stuart Wellington

[2:35] Where like a caveman hits us on the head and we think back to all the great times we had.

Elliott Kalan

[2:40] Yeah, there's people that have to remind us of who we are.

Dan McCoy

[2:43] I was going to say a caveman hits us over the head and then we go back to caveman days.

Elliott Kalan

[2:47] I mean, that'd be even better.

Dan McCoy

[2:49] That'd be great.

[2:49] I didn't think that was possible.

[2:51] I mean, is it a magic club?

[2:52] Yeah.

[2:53] I don't know.

[2:53] We see like a bad cave painting and then we talk about it for a while.

Stuart Wellington

[2:58] And are we dressed like cavemen or are we normal looking?

Dan McCoy

[3:02] I don't know about that.

[3:03] I'm also wondering like how it's recorded, whether it's just on a tablet, a stone tablet.

[3:07] I think we're just talking.

[3:08] Sure.

[3:09] It's a part of the oral tradition.

[3:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:11] Well, maybe we talk into like a pterodactyl's beak or something.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] And then the pterodactyl goes, it's a living!

[3:21] Yeah, something like that, of course.

[3:25] Eh!

Dan McCoy

[3:25] As is my understanding.

Elliott Kalan

[3:27] Yep.

[3:29] Yeah, speaking of like...

[3:30] It's weird that animals lost the ability to talk at some point in prehistory.

Dan McCoy

[3:35] Well, speaking of weird reptilian creatures...

[3:38] Ah!

[3:39] You've really...

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] Your segue skills have really improved over the course of 50 podcasts.

[3:44] We watched a film tonight.

[3:45] Back in the first one, I remember listening to it and you just go, this thing now!

[3:49] Now we talk this.

[3:51] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[3:53] Well, that was the caveman podcast.

[3:55] It was caveman days, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:56] This podcast is quickly becoming a 2,000-year-old man routine.

[4:01] Back in the old days when we podcasted, oh, 2,000 years of podcasts!

[4:05] Well...

Dan McCoy

[4:07] We watched a film...

[4:08] We used real pods!

[4:10] ...called Delgo.

[4:11] And I want to make this clear.

[4:12] We watched a movie called...

[4:13] Yeah, you need to explain this movie.

[4:14] We watched a movie called Delgo.

[4:15] We did not watch the movie Dougal.

[4:17] And not Hidalgo.

[4:18] Starring Jon Stewart, who I...

[4:21] The movie Dougal, I assume, you're contractually obligated to think is the best movie ever made.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] Nope!

[4:27] Not in my contract.

Dan McCoy

[4:29] Have you read it all the way through?

Elliott Kalan

[4:32] Uh, somebody did at some point.

[4:33] Okay.

[4:34] They had to to write it.

[4:35] But, yeah, Dougal is something that doesn't come up very often around the office.

[4:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:40] There's no anthropomorphic springs in Delgo.

[4:43] Delgo is a movie...

[4:45] Did we watch the movie Dagon?

[4:47] No.

[4:48] Dagon's not a bad movie.

[4:50] I like Dagon.

[4:50] Yeah.

[4:51] I'm just saying.

[4:52] I worship him.

[4:53] All right, but...

[4:53] I worship him.

[4:56] People across America are pulling their earbuds out and saying,

[5:00] I listened to 50 of these.

[5:02] The reason we watched Delgo was...

[5:05] Delgo has the distinction of having the worst opening weekend for a wide release film ever.

Elliott Kalan

[5:15] And what does wide release mean, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[5:17] Wide release in this case means over 2,000 screens.

Elliott Kalan

[5:20] And how much money did it make?

[5:22] Do you know?

Dan McCoy

[5:23] I think it made something like 600,000 in its opening weekend.

[5:28] On 2,000 screens, at least.

[5:30] And it cost 40 million.

[5:33] That's very bad.

[5:35] That's bad.

Elliott Kalan

[5:36] And the audience may be saying, I've never heard of this movie.

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:40] Delgo.

[5:40] If it opened on so many screens, how come I don't know what it is?

Dan McCoy

[5:43] Well, it's because it's an animated movie that looks like a cut scene from a video game.

[5:48] Yes.

[5:48] And that's part of why I picked it.

[5:52] Number one, the...

[5:53] Because you like video games.

[5:54] Number one, the bad opening weekend.

[5:57] But number two, we'd never done an animated film.

[5:59] So I thought, let's do something different for our 50th episode.

[6:03] And Stuart, you seem like you just loved this decision of mine.

[6:07] Boy, were you right.

[6:09] What did we want...

[6:10] What happened in this fucking movie?

Elliott Kalan

[6:12] The movie, the moment it started, Stuart said something along the lines of, like, what the fuck is this?

[6:19] Just the moment you saw the animated titles appear.

Dan McCoy

[6:22] I began drinking heavily.

[6:23] And here we go.

[6:25] Now we're on that.

[6:26] Titles basically in the same font as the upcoming Avatar, by the way.

[6:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] Mmm, weird.

[6:30] This may have been better than Avatar will be, though.

[6:33] Well, it's not past...

[6:34] What are you, precognitive?

Stuart Wellington

[6:35] Like, all the characters in Delgo?

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] Yeah, because I'm precognitive.

[6:38] Yeah.

[6:39] So let's talk about...

[6:39] No, there's hell precogs in Delgo.

[6:41] They have telekinetic powers.

[6:42] What?

Dan McCoy

[6:43] Let's talk about the plot first, guys.

[6:45] Sure.

[6:46] You do this.

[6:48] I...

[6:48] Well, the basic plot of the movie is that there's an evil...

[6:52] There's an evil lady who...

[6:56] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] We're on a far-off fantasy world where there are two races of lizard men.

[7:02] Why don't you take over?

[7:03] We're on a far-off fantasy world where there's two...

[7:05] Two races of monkey faces.

[7:06] Dan goes...

[7:08] Well, there's this evil lady...

[7:09] Oh, by the way, everyone's aliens and some of them have wings.

[7:12] Anyway, there's this evil lady.

[7:14] We're on a far-off planet with a race...

[7:17] Two different races of green lizard monkey humanoids.

[7:22] One race has wings.

[7:24] The other race does not, but has some sort of telekinetic abilities with rocks.

[7:29] The winged ones, their land is polluted or some shit.

[7:34] And they are invited to join the non-winged ones.

[7:38] But then the evil lady leads the winged army on a devastating crusade of destruction.

[7:45] And now there's a sort of uneasy truce between the two sides.

[7:49] They hate each other, but they have to coexist after the unpleasantness is over.

Stuart Wellington

[7:54] And the evil lady got her wings chopped off and got banished, right?

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] Yeah, she tried to kill the royal family of the winged ones and had her wings chopped off and was banished to somewhere.

[8:05] Flash forward 15 years.

[8:09] There's a young princess with wings.

[8:11] I'm already bored.

[8:12] There's a young princess with wings.

[8:14] There's Delgo, our hero, who does not have wings.

[8:17] And the evil lady wants to come back.

[8:19] And she tries to take over.

[8:21] And Delgo and the princess and Delgo's sidekick, Chris Catan.

[8:25] And a noble knight played by Val Kilmer.

[8:29] Wait, he's friends with Chris Catan?

[8:30] Yeah, they have to save the day.

[8:32] Yeah.

[8:32] That's pretty much all you need to know.

Dan McCoy

[8:33] Yeah, the evil lady does this by fomenting distrust between the races.

[8:39] She creates a new race war so she can swoop in and seize the reins.

Elliott Kalan

[8:44] Voiced by Anne Bancroft, by the way.

[8:46] In what I believe had to have been her last role.

[8:49] In best role.

[8:50] You'll notice.

[8:51] Yeah, and best.

[8:52] And the credits end with Anne Bancroft 1923 to 2005.

[8:58] Did they?

[8:59] Yeah, I was out of the room.

[9:00] I think I was peeing at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[9:02] You were furiously masturbating in the bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[9:05] To the idea of noseless lizard people.

Stuart Wellington

[9:08] Well, he needs to get it out before the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[9:10] To the idea of the evil character, Cisparella, whatever her name was.

[9:14] To her...

[9:14] Sioux City Casparella?

[9:17] Was it like Odessa or something?

[9:18] Oh, Cedessa or something.

[9:19] Cedessa.

[9:20] To her strangely detailed rear end.

Dan McCoy

[9:24] Yeah, they really fetishized her ass in this.

[9:27] Like, she was in skin tight pants.

[9:30] I hesitated before pants because they all wear absurd clothes in this movie.

[9:35] But, like, it really didn't...

[9:37] It looked like they had just animated an ass and then painted that red in Mac paint or something.

Stuart Wellington

[9:43] You know, I think the animators were probably uninterested in looking at her weird monkey face.

[9:48] Yeah.

[9:49] So they decided to focus on making her ass look.

Dan McCoy

[9:52] And now, we should mention...

[9:53] I have to say about the plot, though, Elliot.

[9:55] Listeners will note that your description was very detailed for a while.

[9:59] And then it became very simple.

[10:01] And that's because this movie has an extremely simple plot.

[10:05] But then it has, like, this ten-minute prologue that is unnecessarily complex.

[10:10] This very complicated backstory.

[10:12] Yeah.

[10:13] It's all, like, the politics.

[10:15] It's like the crawls at the beginning of Star Wars, but acted out.

Elliott Kalan

[10:18] But then it's your basic, like, you're a princess and I'm a regular guy.

[10:22] We're from two different worlds.

[10:23] Uh-oh, there's an adventure.

[10:24] Now we've got to escape from the bad guys and get back there and solve the misunderstanding.

Dan McCoy

[10:29] It was Romeo and Juliet with flying whales and a happy ending.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] And a lot of scenes stolen from other movies.

[10:35] Yeah.

[10:35] But we should mention that this was an all-star cast.

[10:38] Like, the list is a who's who of actors who need work.

Stuart Wellington

[10:41] You got Freddie Prinze Jr.

Elliott Kalan

[10:43] Freddie Prinze Jr. as the hero delgo.

[10:44] Yeah, the titular role.

[10:47] The word titular is just funny.

[10:49] Chris Catan as his friend Philo, who is irritating.

Dan McCoy

[10:52] The term Prinze used loosely.

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] Yeah.

[10:55] Jennifer Love Hewitt as the princess.

[10:57] Anne Bancroft as Sassbarilla.

[10:59] Sure.

[11:00] Sally Kellerman at the beginning.

[11:02] As the narrator.

[11:03] Malcolm McDowell as the evil general.

[11:05] Who is an agent of Anne Bancroft.

[11:08] You've got Michael Clarke Duncan as the philosophical mentor of Freddie Prinze Jr.

[11:13] Val Kilmer.

[11:14] Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Dan McCoy

[11:15] Or whatever his name is.

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] Val Kilmer was...

[11:18] Yeah, Bogardus.

[11:19] Bogardus.

[11:19] And they call him Bogie at one point.

[11:21] And then who was the...

[11:22] I forgot who played the king.

[11:25] The king.

[11:26] And Eric Idle is the goofy henchman of the villain.

Dan McCoy

[11:30] Yeah.

[11:31] Is he ever.

[11:32] Oh, and Kelly Ripa was in there somewhere.

[11:34] Somewhere.

[11:34] I don't know what character she played.

[11:35] Yeah, we just saw her in the credits.

Elliott Kalan

[11:37] Who is the king?

[11:38] That was somebody well known too.

[11:39] Good stuff.

[11:40] Yeah.

[11:40] I can't remember now.

Dan McCoy

[11:41] Yeah.

[11:42] Well, guys, go to the Delgo website.

Elliott Kalan

[11:46] Go to Delgomovie.com.

Dan McCoy

[11:49] Which is now a Golden Palace site.

[11:51] They bought it for $5 and have it redirected to Golden Palace.

Elliott Kalan

[11:55] You mean the Golden Girls spinoff?

[11:59] All of them except Dorothy owned a hotel?

Dan McCoy

[12:02] Yes, that's what I mean.

[12:04] The still living Golden Girls.

[12:06] We're like, we're not getting enough attention these days.

[12:08] We got to piggyback off of something really popular.

[12:10] But we only have $5 to spend.

Stuart Wellington

[12:13] Let's buy this defunct movie site.

Dan McCoy

[12:17] And that was a more entertaining plot.

[12:19] Than the movie to Delgo.

Stuart Wellington

[12:21] So, yeah, we got done talking about the plot.

[12:24] Oh, and it is bad.

[12:25] At what point in the production of this movie do you think they had to make that hard decision?

[12:29] Let's make a video game or let's make a movie.

[12:32] And what do you think was the defining factor?

Elliott Kalan

[12:35] That's a good question.

[12:36] I wish the makers of Delgo here so that we can punch them in the nuts and then ask them that question.

Stuart Wellington

[12:41] They're like a weird talking monkey where you have to strike them in the nuts for them to give you a response.

[12:45] No, that was just out of our irritation and having watched this film.

Dan McCoy

[12:48] I wish they were here so we could write our question on the edge of a knife blade and slide it gently into their gut.

[12:54] Wow.

[12:55] Wow.

[12:57] Much harsher.

Stuart Wellington

[12:58] Much poetry out of thine mouth.

Dan McCoy

[13:03] Oh, the bard speaks through this movie.

[13:05] This movie angered me more than a lot.

[13:09] I mean, you're putting a lot of work into a movie if you're making a computer animated film.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] Well, it's one thing to make The Chaos Experiment, which was a shitty movie, but they probably shot it over like a weekend.

Dan McCoy

[13:22] I mean, this is not a great computer animation, but it's a step up from, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] It's basically like Shrek, right?

[13:30] Well, yeah, it's around Shrek level.

[13:32] It's a step up from, it's not as bad as Dougal in terms of animation quality.

[13:36] Or the VeggieTales movies.

[13:37] Or the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, yeah.

[13:40] But it's not, of course, it's nowhere near like Pixar quality, but it's better than like, what was it, Happily Never After or whatever that?

Dan McCoy

[13:48] Yeah, certainly.

[13:49] But the animation is not that great, and the character design for all of the main characters is ugly.

[13:57] As I said during the movie, like the best thing to do when you want someone to like your characters is to give them just regular human proportions and then make their faces the weird monkey faces like you said, Stuart.

[14:11] Sure, I said that.

[14:12] If you're going to do that, you have to exaggerate some of the cartoon characteristics or else it's just going to be creepy.

Stuart Wellington

[14:18] Yeah, like their hands are their jugs.

[14:21] Right?

[14:22] What?

[14:23] You know what I'm talking about, guys.

[14:24] Those are the two acceptable things for a cartoon to emphasize.

[14:28] I mean, you gotta do something.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] I realized now that...

[14:30] Like a very big nose.

[14:31] So that the audience...

[14:32] That's the classic one.

[14:33] So that the audience understands...

[14:34] What are you talking about, dude?

[14:35] Are you being racist?

[14:36] So that the audience understands kind of what these characters look like without having to look it up.

[14:40] It's like if the Louis Gossett Jr. character from Enemy Mine.

[14:45] Like, it's the story about his home planet.

Stuart Wellington

[14:47] I'm glad you touched on something that everybody's familiar with.

[14:51] Yeah, well, what?

Dan McCoy

[14:52] I'm sure these people had HBO when they were growing up.

[14:54] Or a little more...

[14:55] Sure, and the flying creatures have a skin modeling similar to the aliens in the Alien Nation series.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] Yeah, their design is somewhat like that in Wayne Barlow's book Expedition.

Dan McCoy

[15:05] Or imagine a marginally less evil Lord Voldemort from the...

Elliott Kalan

[15:11] Yeah, or they look kind of like the dinosaurs in the hit Disney film Dinosaur.

[15:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:17] Yeah, you're right, they do.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] Yeah.

[15:19] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[15:20] Or like the...

[15:21] If they didn't have the weird head crests.

[15:23] I mean, they look like the sea monkeys kind of from the sea monkeys package, except the sea monkeys have weird like head crests.

[15:28] A little bit, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:29] But for a movie that had to have been a certain amount of work, I mean...

[15:34] And...

[15:34] There was no thought put into the art direction.

[15:37] Like, nothing seemed to match with anything else.

[15:39] Like, not even like colors.

[15:40] There weren't like, okay, this scene is going to be shot in this certain palette of colors.

[15:45] No.

[15:45] It was just a bunch of clashing brightness.

[15:49] And the scenes would just go on.

[15:51] Yeah.

[15:52] Like, they did not spend any time on a script for a movie that they weren't then going to be able to re-edit or, you know, change on the fly.

Stuart Wellington

[16:01] I mean, if Pixar movies have taught us anything, you don't need a good script to have a great animated movie.

[16:09] You need a bunch of explosions, killer robots, shit like that.

[16:13] Yeah.

[16:14] Why didn't they have that stuff?

[16:15] Well, they had some stuff like that.

[16:16] Well, I gotta say...

Elliott Kalan

[16:18] I have to believe this might be a The Room type scenario where the film was actually a money laundering operation.

[16:24] And it did not cost $40 million.

Dan McCoy

[16:27] I mean, the one level on which I kind of like Delgo is it shows that it's complete bullshit.

[16:32] The idea that everyone just loves computer animation these days and any computer animated film will make millions and millions of dollars.

[16:40] Like, it shows that...

[16:42] No, no, you actually have to have a good story.

[16:44] Well, I mean, like...

[16:45] That's why 2D animation dollars...

[16:46] The idea that the idea that Disney was all of a sudden like, oh, I guess that people only want to see this computer animation.

[16:52] They weren't like, oh, Pixar isn't making excellent films.

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] Well, yeah, no one wants to see Home on the Range, so I guess 2D animation is dead.

[17:00] Because a cow movie starring Judi Dench and Lindsay Dratch...

[17:03] That should be a winner, but it's in 2D animation.

[17:08] Rachel Dratch?

[17:09] Sorry, Rachel Dratch.

[17:10] Lindsay Dratch is a girl I went to high school with.

[17:12] Hello, Lindsay.

Stuart Wellington

[17:13] She wasn't in that movie is what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[17:15] No, she wasn't.

[17:15] Rachel Dratch was.

[17:16] But Lindsay Dratch wasn't?

[17:18] No, Lindsay Dratch was not.

[17:19] But why did he bring her up?

[17:21] I got the names mixed up because they have the same last name.

Dan McCoy

[17:23] Oh, holy shit, that makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] Listen, it's late and we just watched Del Go.

[17:27] My brain is all scrambled.

[17:29] But the, uh...

[17:30] Basically, the idea that, uh...

[17:32] Yeah, that...

[17:32] Well, I...

[17:33] The only reason we can understand why kids don't want to see this movie is because it's from our pen and ink department.

[17:37] So let's shut it down, you know?

[17:38] Yeah.

[17:38] Because Judi Dench, Roseanne, and Rachel Dratch should have pulled them in, you know?

[17:42] Are you saying...

[17:43] Wait, Lindsay Dratch?

[17:44] No, Rachel Dratch.

[17:45] Oh, okay.

[17:46] Lindsay Dratch was a mistake with a name pulled out of my past.

[17:49] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[17:50] Um, so kids didn't flock to see this for some reason.

[17:54] No.

[17:55] No, I looked it up on Wikipedia.

[17:57] It was basically as if, um, two people went to every show.

[18:03] Yeah.

[18:03] That's pretty devoted.

[18:04] Two people, maybe a couple of tumbleweeds.

Elliott Kalan

[18:07] The tumbleweeds get in for senior prices, though.

[18:10] So it's not a lot of money.

[18:11] That's convenient because they're all dried up?

[18:12] Is that...

[18:12] Yeah, exactly.

[18:13] Okay.

[18:14] Like old people.

[18:14] Sure.

[18:15] But, so those two people went to see every show you're saying, though.

[18:18] So that's...

[18:18] You've got two hardcore fans right there.

[18:20] Two Delgo fans.

[18:21] You can build a cult out of that.

Dan McCoy

[18:22] Yeah.

[18:23] Now they're Delgo cosplayers, I'm betting.

[18:26] They call themselves Delgites.

[18:27] They go to Delcon every year.

[18:30] You know, Delgo...

[18:30] That sounds kind of hot.

Stuart Wellington

[18:31] Do you...

[18:31] In Delgo cosplay, does the dude dress up as a lizard monkey face and the other person dresses

[18:36] up like as a fairy monkey face?

[18:37] Of course.

[18:39] And...

[18:39] Come on.

[18:40] You have to ask that question?

[18:43] I was just...

[18:43] I didn't know if they do like a gender role reversal.

Dan McCoy

[18:45] They gently flutter their wings over each other's genitals.

Stuart Wellington

[18:48] Okay.

[18:49] Yeah.

[18:49] They don't just grab it and yank.

[18:51] All right.

[18:52] They don't just pull it right off?

[18:56] Like in Castle Freak?

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] This was not a very good film.

[19:02] Yeah.

[19:02] Chris Kattan.

[19:03] Chris Kattan is the worst thing about it.

[19:05] It's a...

[19:06] The movie is mostly generic more than anything else, but Chris Kattan is the worst thing in

[19:09] it.

[19:09] Wait a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[19:10] That's a pretty big accusation that Chris Kattan is literally the worst thing about this

[19:15] movie.

[19:15] Come up...

[19:16] Can you come up with something worse than watching Chris Kattan's character just going,

[19:20] well, but that was...

[19:20] But I...

[19:21] And that...

[19:21] I'm...

[19:22] If this was a fucking Wild West, that'd be a fucking hanging offense, dude.

[19:25] It's like...

[19:26] To be the worst thing in Delgo.

[19:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:28] And then they would have hung him and everyone would have said, well, justice was served this

[19:31] time.

[19:32] I guess Roy Bean should be practicing the law a little bit longer.

[19:36] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[19:37] Chris Kattan's one character note was dithering.

[19:40] We were introduced to him.

[19:43] He's trying to help out his friend Delgo, who has gone over the cliff during a stampede scene.

[19:51] They're out hot-dogging around and create a stampede.

[19:53] It's riding their doobacks around.

[19:56] So...

Stuart Wellington

[19:56] Like surfing on them?

[19:57] To impress Padme?

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] Yeah.

[19:59] Well, he does surf on one.

[20:01] Yeah.

[20:01] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[20:02] So Chris Kattan is like shooting off a flare to try and get help, but he accidentally

[20:07] shoots it into a tree.

[20:09] And Delgo's like, why is that tree on fire?

[20:11] And Chris Kattan's reaction is, fire?

[20:13] What?

[20:14] Fire?

[20:14] Huh?

[20:14] I don't...

[20:15] Um...

[20:15] I don't see fire.

[20:16] Is there fire?

[20:17] Oh, that fire!

Elliott Kalan

[20:17] Oh, oh!

[20:18] Well, that...

[20:18] It goes...

[20:20] And every single time he has a line reading, it goes on like that.

[20:23] Yeah.

[20:24] It's like...

[20:24] And then that scene, three more people then ask, why is that tree on fire?

[20:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:28] Right after the other.

[20:30] If you've seen like really, really cheap anime that's been brought into the US, it's the

[20:37] same sort of like, ah, ooh, ah, ee, ah, I don't know, um, ee.

[20:41] But it's very unnerving.

[20:43] What's that over there?

[20:44] Is that a, huh?

[20:46] In a movie made for English-speaking audiences, it seems very strange.

Elliott Kalan

[20:50] There's something about, uh, he's just so irritating.

[20:53] And the character almost never does anything worthwhile.

[20:57] Like, you don't know why they're friends, he's just there because the hero needs a goofy

[21:01] sidekick, but he's so incompetent, and he's so stupid, and the audience has to hate him.

Stuart Wellington

[21:08] Spoiler alert, it's only because of his slingshot shot that the main character, Delgo, and his

[21:15] girlfriend totally survive at the end.

[21:17] Yeah, which is why we hate him even more.

[21:19] Yeah.

[21:19] Oh, right.

Dan McCoy

[21:21] I was actively rooting for Delgo to die by the end of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[21:24] There were a number of points where we were like, oh, great, okay, Delgo's dead then.

[21:28] So, yeah.

[21:29] Sesperilla wins.

[21:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:30] Our favorite character, the weird evil mad scientist guy.

[21:33] I wish he had murdered him.

[21:35] Totally kept losing.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] This is a character with zero lines, who is like the villain.

[21:40] She's the, he's the main villain's like, science, like, there's always like the scientist tension.

Stuart Wellington

[21:44] It's like if you made one of the weird creatures from Labyrinth that can pull off their body

[21:49] parts.

[21:49] Yeah.

[21:49] You made one of those into a mad scientist.

[21:51] Yeah.

[21:51] And had like glowing eyes.

[21:53] Yeah.

[21:53] That's, that's what that guy's like.

[21:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] He seemed genuinely dangerous at times.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] Yeah.

[21:58] And that, you know, kind of turned me on.

Dan McCoy

[22:01] Yeah, it was kind of like, I mean, like his, his demeanor was kind of like, uh, what is

[22:06] it?

[22:06] Crazy Harry.

[22:07] Is that the Muppet that's always blowing things up?

[22:09] I guess so.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] Or that one, uh, that Roger Rabbit, the weasel that is in the straitjacket.

[22:13] Yeah.

[22:14] And carries a razor blade around.

Dan McCoy

[22:15] Oh, all, all much better entertainments than Delgo.

Stuart Wellington

[22:19] Yes.

[22:19] And luckily Delgo tied into that by having scenes that were directly, I don't, I wouldn't like

[22:25] direct homages to films that.

[22:28] Well, describe one of these for us.

[22:30] Perhaps the scene where they're in the, the big hanging jail cell.

[22:34] Oh, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[22:35] Surely no one has ever done that in a movie before.

[22:38] I don't remember.

Stuart Wellington

[22:38] No, I swear I saw that in a movie.

[22:40] Maybe it was Kung Fu Panda?

[22:43] No.

Dan McCoy

[22:44] It was a movie about bandits who traveled through time.

[22:49] Yeah.

[22:49] Uh, oh yeah, that's right.

[22:50] Chrono Steelers.

Stuart Wellington

[22:53] Uh, thanks for being coy, guys, but I think you're talking about the movie Time Bandits.

[22:57] That's right.

[22:58] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[22:58] The Terry Gilliam classic Time Bandits.

[23:00] Enough fucking around.

[23:01] Yeah.

[23:02] What we're trying to say is that the movie we watched tonight, Delgo.

Stuart Wellington

[23:04] Stole from Time Bandits.

[23:05] Stole from Time Bandits.

Dan McCoy

[23:06] Yeah, no, they're all literally in like big hanging cages like that look like bird cages

[23:11] at the end of Time Bandits and they all swing from cage to cage like in Time Bandits.

[23:14] So they stole it from the movie The Birdcage also.

[23:17] Yep.

[23:18] They stole the irritatingness from the movie The Birdcage.

[23:22] Cage O'Falls?

[23:23] Mm-hmm.

[23:23] Isn't that how you say it?

[23:25] Yes.

[23:25] I don't want to say it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:25] Caj Ox Follis.

[23:26] Okay.

[23:28] Uh, they, they lifted some stuff from Lord of the Rings.

[23:30] Mm-hmm.

[23:30] Lord of the Rings.

[23:31] Uh, Last Crusade.

[23:33] Romeo and Juliet.

[23:34] Tromeo and Juliet.

Elliott Kalan

[23:36] You know, all that shit.

[23:38] Yeah, they, they, they, they, they, they stole the giving birth to a rat and, what is it,

[23:43] popcorn scene from Tromeo and Juliet.

Dan McCoy

[23:44] They stole the lesbian nurse from Tromeo and Juliet.

Stuart Wellington

[23:48] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[23:49] Let's, guys, let's watch Tromeo and Juliet.

[23:51] They stole all these, all these scenes from the 120 days of Sodom.

Stuart Wellington

[23:56] Wait, is, wait, is that the one with Rocco Zipredi in it?

[24:00] Porno star Rocco Zipredi?

[24:02] Uh, I don't remember.

Dan McCoy

[24:02] I think you're thinking of, uh, that Catherine Raleigh film, um, something like, uh,

[24:09] No Reservations?

[24:11] Oh, that's Catherine, Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[24:13] Yes.

[24:14] Raising Helen?

[24:15] Mm-hmm.

[24:15] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[24:16] That's all about Steve.

Elliott Kalan

[24:17] Anyway.

[24:18] Dan in real life.

[24:19] So.

[24:19] The child of Steve with Donald Logue.

[24:22] The movie that made Donald Logue a star.

[24:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:26] Guys, who was your favorite, uh, lizard person?

[24:31] Oh, wait, I have a favorite fucking lizard person.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] Can I pick one from not this movie?

[24:34] Yes.

[24:35] Because then I'm going to say Dr. Kurt Connors, the Spider-Man villain, the lizard.

Stuart Wellington

[24:39] All right.

[24:39] Sure, that makes sense.

[24:41] Um, are Sleestacks, uh, lizard people?

Elliott Kalan

[24:43] Actually, I'm going to say, if anyone remembers the Topps card series Dinosaur Attack,

[24:47] which was, the idea was it was like Mars Attacks, but with dinosaurs.

[24:51] Uh-huh.

[24:52] There's a scene where the scientist in it has a kind of dream vision of a dinosaur that has

[24:58] evolved into humanoid form and helps him solve the problem of how to stop these dinosaurs.

[25:04] That's my favorite lizard person.

[25:05] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[25:06] I think mine would be like the, uh, main evil alien from the original V, not the remake.

[25:12] Ah.

[25:13] But the one, you know, like she unhinges her jaw to eat that gerbil.

[25:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:17] Can I just say velociraptors?

[25:19] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[25:20] Because they're kind of like people.

[25:22] They have no, no, they have no person aspects to them whatsoever.

[25:25] They're smart like a person.

[25:26] I guess so.

[25:27] They are clever girls.

[25:29] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[25:30] So.

[25:31] God, I don't even know what to talk about with this movie after a certain point.

[25:33] Well, let's see.

[25:34] Delgo, huh?

[25:35] Well, the music was bad.

[25:36] Uh, everything in it was bad.

[25:38] And.

Stuart Wellington

[25:38] Uh, the, the, the princess looked like she was wearing, uh, a purple, like workout outfit

[25:43] the whole time.

[25:44] Yeah.

[25:44] That's pretty cool.

Elliott Kalan

[25:45] Did we say Malcolm McDowell was in this?

[25:47] Yes.

[25:48] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[25:49] Yeah, he's in it?

[25:49] He is a, he's a bad guy with the top knot.

Elliott Kalan

[25:51] I would say that Malcolm McDowell had fallen on hard times in his career, but he was in

[25:55] a Shannon Tweed film.

[25:57] Oh, no, it was a Shannon Worry film.

[25:58] I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[25:58] I was going to say Shannon Tweed.

Elliott Kalan

[25:59] That's moving up.

[26:00] No, he was in a Shannon Worry film, so.

Dan McCoy

[26:02] Yeah.

[26:03] I guess, uh, there's also the fact that the, the lizard folks seem to have some sort

[26:09] of rock-based society.

[26:11] Yeah.

[26:11] Like all the telekinesis, telekinesis seem to focus around these red rocks.

[26:15] So I guess it was some sort of, uh.

Stuart Wellington

[26:18] Yeah, that show was all pretty boring.

[26:19] I didn't pay that much attention to it.

[26:21] But Michael Clark Duncan dropped some knowledge on our hero.

Elliott Kalan

[26:24] Yeah, they chose Michael Clark Duncan to be the one to give the philosophical morals of

[26:30] the film.

[26:30] Good choice.

[26:31] Yeah.

[26:32] Yeah, you think so?

[26:33] Not really.

[26:34] Okay.

[26:35] And, uh, Delgo, huh?

[26:38] Yeah.

[26:39] At the end, everyone learned a lesson.

[26:41] And then, uh, it was, and then the, uh, it was amazing that, uh, working together at

[26:45] the last minute to save each other from this evil army, the winged guys and the non-winged

[26:50] guys are suddenly, it suddenly breaks down every barrier in their society because they go

[26:55] from hating each other to, I guess, being okay with a winged person and a non-winged person

[27:00] kissing each other at the end.

Dan McCoy

[27:01] Yeah, well, I mean, even on the end of the film, you know, you know, you know,

[27:03] even on a bigger level, like, I didn't understand, like, Delgo's big scheme at the end was,

[27:09] okay, if I start a stampede like we saw at the beginning of the movie foreshadowing.

[27:15] Good screenwriting.

[27:17] Um, that will bring...

[27:18] That's a Kiva Goldsman level screenwriting.

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:20] That will bring the warring factions together because now they have to turn against a third

[27:25] party, which is the, uh, stampede.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] Which weird though is they had already been kind of fighting against a third party already because

[27:31] the villain's army had run into the battle.

[27:34] Right.

[27:35] Where the two sides were fighting.

[27:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:36] Well, also, I don't understand...

[27:37] They clearly decided that they should fight the big monster faces instead of the other

Elliott Kalan

[27:41] Yeah, they look like Gamoran guards.

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:43] From, uh, Return of the Jedi.

[27:45] But that, that being said, like...

[27:46] Except not quite as obese.

Dan McCoy

[27:48] Yeah.

[27:48] They're in better shape.

[27:49] If, if two armies were fighting each other and a bunch of cows ran through, like, would

[27:54] that all of a sudden mean...

[27:56] The battle's over.

Stuart Wellington

[27:57] The battle's over.

[27:58] You know.

[27:58] It's the rule of the battle.

[27:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:00] It goes back hundreds of years.

[28:02] Yeah.

[28:02] Okay.

[28:03] Now, the thing about the...

[28:03] That's how the Korean War ended.

Stuart Wellington

[28:04] The thing about the interracial kiss is...

[28:07] I don't know if you got this subtext, Elliot, from earlier on in the film, but...

[28:10] No.

[28:11] Kissing in this society is kind of like giving high five.

[28:15] It's not, like, a precursor to intercourse.

Elliott Kalan

[28:17] I don't think that was in any way part of the film.

[28:21] Yeah, I think they talked about it.

[28:22] I don't think that was ever mentioned.

Stuart Wellington

[28:24] Yeah, I mean, I...

[28:25] Yeah, it was, it was in it.

[28:27] It was right before the scene where they're riding on the Rontos.

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] They did, we did get to see a fake made-up gambling game.

[28:36] Oh, yeah.

[28:36] Kind of like poker, but instead of cards, it involves triangles.

Stuart Wellington

[28:39] Yeah, like something out of a Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

[28:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:42] Mm-hmm.

[28:42] It's called Tri-Ominos.

[28:45] Yeah?

Stuart Wellington

[28:46] Yep.

[28:47] Yeah, you get sick with that one?

[28:48] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] Stuart is having none of it tonight.

[28:57] Hi, it's Dan here.

Dan McCoy

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[29:52] Now back to the show.

[29:58] I think that we should move on to our final judgments on this.

Stuart Wellington

[30:02] Sure, this is going to be a big surprise.

Dan McCoy

[30:04] The categories are as follows.

[30:07] Is this a good bad movie?

[30:09] A bad bad movie?

[30:11] A movie that you actually kind of liked.

[30:14] Are there no anniversary-themed choices?

[30:17] Is this the diamond anniversary?

[30:21] That would be good.

[30:22] Is this the fake bottle of peanut brittle anniversary?

[30:29] Okay, that's in the middle somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[30:31] Wait, fake as in, like, spring snakes come out?

[30:34] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[30:35] I guess it's not a bottle.

[30:37] Fake cam.

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] I guess it's a harmless laugh.

Dan McCoy

[30:39] Or is this the turd anniversary?

Stuart Wellington

[30:43] Okay.

[30:44] Like a normal turd or like a messy turd?

Dan McCoy

[30:48] I don't think it matters, Stuart.

[30:50] Is it more of a slurry or...

[30:51] If someone tried to give you fecal matter for an anniversary, I think that it would be pretty bad.

Elliott Kalan

[30:56] Not like a manure form.

Stuart Wellington

[30:57] Yeah, not like something you could burn to survive.

[30:59] Let's just give our...

Dan McCoy

[31:00] Or spread on the crops.

[31:01] ...final judgment, shall we?

Stuart Wellington

[31:03] Okay.

[31:03] Who goes first?

[31:04] I think that you seem to be raring to say stuff about Doggo.

[31:08] Well, yeah, this movie is abysmal.

[31:11] There's really nothing good about it.

[31:15] And it hurt my eyes to watch it.

[31:18] I'd say it looked like a video game cutscene, but I...

[31:21] I mean, I haven't seen a video game cutscene of this quality since like the Sega CD.

[31:27] So, yeah.

[31:29] No...

[31:29] Two thumbs down.

[31:30] VeggieTales all over the place.

[31:34] Not sure what that means, but...

[31:35] So there is a Christian message as well.

[31:37] Well, no.

[31:38] I'm giving thumbs down to the VeggieTales message too.

[31:40] Oh, I see.

[31:41] I'm trying to make as many enemies as possible tonight between the creators of Doggo and anybody who supports the VeggieTales franchise.

Dan McCoy

[31:52] Yeah.

[31:53] I would almost recommend someone see this just because, like, it is an experience.

[31:59] It is totally different.

[32:00] A bad experience.

[32:00] It's totally different than anything else that we've watched, and it is insane.

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] That's like saying, like, oh, it changed my life when I was attacked by that shark and my legs were torn off.

[32:11] I wish people could, but I really...

[32:12] Well, I was sexually assaulted by that shark.

[32:14] Yeah, I got some clarity, though.

[32:17] Sexually assaulted by that shark?

Stuart Wellington

[32:18] I should figure out, like, what would be worse than a shark attack.

[32:23] You know, I assume that...

[32:24] Is it like Jabberjaw molesting you?

[32:26] Is that what you're talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] Yes.

[32:27] Hey, come on!

[32:28] No one's around!

[32:29] Nyack, nyack, nyack.

[32:31] This is our little secret.

[32:33] You had that prepared.

[32:35] Yeah, but listen.

[32:36] Like, this is the first time I've thought about Jabberjaw molesting somebody.

[32:39] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[32:39] He's got 40 minutes of Jabberjaw material.

Stuart Wellington

[32:43] So let me get this straight.

[32:45] Literally half of that is molestation-based jokes.

Dan McCoy

[32:48] That's what almost got him onto Star Church once.

[32:50] The rest is drumming technique-based jokes.

[32:53] Yeah.

[32:54] It must be hard to drum underwater.

[32:56] I mean, think of all the drag.

[32:59] No, I just...

[33:00] It's just such a strange experience to watch this movie, but it is terrible.

[33:04] And it made me angry in a way that these movies often do not.

[33:08] Because, like I said before, it's an animated film.

[33:12] Like, there was a lot of work put into this compared to just...

Stuart Wellington

[33:17] Animated.

[33:19] No, it was animated.

[33:21] Yeah, but I mean, it wasn't very lively.

Dan McCoy

[33:25] No, I guess in that dictionary...

[33:27] You're welcome, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[33:29] That Victorian-era Stewart suddenly stepped in.

[33:34] Gay people.

[33:35] They don't seem too happy to me.

Dan McCoy

[33:37] All right.

[33:37] Bad, bad movie to sum up.

Elliott Kalan

[33:39] I'm also going to give it a bad, bad movie.

[33:40] It does feel like...

[33:42] Watching it does remind you that there are many movies that a lot of people put a lot of hard work into that never get seen.

[33:48] Because they're not good, or for various reasons.

[33:51] And just like...

[33:52] Yeah, it is...

[33:54] And just the fact that you're imagining...

[33:57] Just the fact that you're imagining Eric Idle and Anne Bancroft and so forth just in a voiceover booth with this script in front of them.

[34:06] You know?

[34:07] It's kind of...

[34:08] It's a weird thing.

Stuart Wellington

[34:09] Do you think they hit the Chili's afterwards?

[34:11] Like the local Chili's together afterwards?

[34:13] Yeah, because I'm sure they all recorded their lines at the same time.

[34:17] I don't...

[34:17] I mean, I don't know that much about Hollywood, dude.

[34:19] You don't have to be a dick about it.

[34:23] But this is what...

[34:23] I thought they were like you and me.

[34:24] They go to Applebee's on a Saturday night.

Elliott Kalan

[34:27] This is what...

[34:27] Like when you were a kid and you watched movies and there were famous actors who were kind of slumming in those movies,

[34:33] a lot of times you couldn't tell how little effort they were putting into their performances.

Stuart Wellington

[34:37] Like Dolph Lundgren in Masters of the Universe?

Elliott Kalan

[34:40] Or Frank Langella in...

[34:42] Actually, Frank Langella puts a lot of work in Masters of the Universe.

Dan McCoy

[34:43] Or...

[34:44] Oh, man.

[34:45] Martin Sheen in Spawn.

[34:48] Has to be like the worst big name performance that I've seen in movies.

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] When you're really young, you don't notice.

[34:53] But I think even a kid watching this would be like, come on, guys.

[34:56] Where's the verve?

[34:57] Like, you're not really putting a lot of oomph into these line readings.

[35:00] Yeah.

[35:01] Eric Idle's performance was a couple notches below his performance as Rinse Wind in the Discworld PC video game from years ago.

[35:08] So...

[35:09] Wow.

[35:11] That's one for all you Terry Pratchett fans out there.

[35:15] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[35:16] All right.

[35:16] Well, let's put a bow on Delgo.

Elliott Kalan

[35:19] Let's put a bullet in this one.

Dan McCoy

[35:21] And we never have to talk about it again.

[35:23] Move on.

[35:23] Oh, I will say that Delgo...

[35:25] Let's make a pact never to talk about it again.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Delgo backwards is ogled.

[35:27] So that's all you need to know.

[35:29] It's not true.

[35:31] Well, yes, it is.

[35:33] That's how you spell the word.

[35:35] Wait.

[35:36] D-E-L-G-O.

Stuart Wellington

[35:37] O-G-L-E-D.

[35:39] Ogled?

[35:41] Okay.

[35:42] Don't make Dan think right now.

[35:43] Fucking read the thing you're going to read.

Dan McCoy

[35:45] Okay.

[35:45] I have a letter.

[35:47] It's only five letters.

Elliott Kalan

[35:48] Okay.

[35:49] You have a letter.

Dan McCoy

[35:50] Look, I have a sleep disorder.

[35:51] I can't focus.

[35:52] You're right.

[35:53] Yeah.

[35:53] That's the apnea talking.

[35:54] Mm-hmm.

[35:55] So, guys, I have a letter from a listener.

[36:00] This is from Matt, last name withheld.

[36:03] And it says...

[36:03] Big family.

[36:05] Hey, floppers.

[36:06] It sounds a lot like Double Impact, but the Natasha Hinstred's movie that Elliot was thinking

[36:12] about was Maximum Risk.

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] Oh, Maximum Risk.

[36:15] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[36:17] Yeah, this is very helpful because we are, in fact, too lazy to just go to IMDb after these

[36:22] shows.

[36:22] What's IMDb?

[36:23] So, as much as you guys can...

Elliott Kalan

[36:26] It's like an ice cream place.

[36:28] For sure.

Dan McCoy

[36:29] Yep.

[36:29] The country's best movies.

[36:31] But, um...

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] That is what you will not get on the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[36:34] Yeah.

[36:34] Also, he says, I was planning on entering the contest, but I refused to fly.

[36:40] Now, I could have driven to New York, but that's too much trouble.

[36:43] Instead, I propose you guys come to one of the flyover states, parentheses, Minnesota, and

[36:49] do a Flophouse on the road.

[36:51] I have some kick-ass custom speakers and 40-inch widescreen HDTV, and since I don't live in

[36:57] New York Brownstone, we don't have to worry about upsetting the neighbors with our overly

[37:00] loud destruction sequences, like in Knowing.

[37:04] Plus, there's a Popeyes in Minnesota, so I'll pay for all the Popeyes you can eat.

[37:09] I should hope there's a Popeyes in Minnesota.

[37:11] It's a state.

[37:13] That would be sad.

[37:14] He finishes it with, come on over.

[37:16] I dare you.

Stuart Wellington

[37:17] Whoa!

[37:18] Oh, man.

[37:19] That's like when a girl acts sassy.

[37:20] Yeah.

[37:20] You know she wants it.

[37:21] Yeah.

[37:22] Well, he knows our...

Dan McCoy

[37:22] She wants you to rise to the challenge.

[37:24] Yeah.

[37:24] He knows our weakness, much like Marnie McFly in Back to the Future 2 and 3, but not in

[37:29] one, is being dared.

[37:32] And that we literally cannot pass up a dare ever.

[37:35] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[37:35] Well...

[37:36] We also mentioned that there's Popeyes for Elliot.

[37:38] I love that.

[37:39] He's in Minnesota, so he probably has some kind of a cardboard stand-up of a girl in a bikini

[37:43] for me.

[37:44] Yeah.

[37:44] And beer for you.

Dan McCoy

[37:45] And beer.

[37:46] Of course.

[37:47] It's Minnesota.

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] And then there's probably...

Dan McCoy

[37:49] Oh, there's a nice TV for you, Dan.

[37:51] I can enjoy Minnesota's thriving art scene while we're there.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] Yeah, yeah.

[37:55] That sounds cool.

[37:55] I was in Minnesota last year, and I did not get to experience the place the way I would

[37:59] have liked, so maybe we should go.

[38:00] So we should rent scooters or something.

[38:01] I lived in Minneapolis for a while.

[38:03] We should rent, like...

[38:04] Yeah, let's rent scooters and drive to...

[38:06] Mini bikes.

[38:07] And ride them to Minnesota.

[38:09] Let's rent...

[38:10] I didn't say anything wrong.

[38:10] Dan, you lived in Minnesota for a little bit?

Dan McCoy

[38:12] Yeah, but first of all, let's rent a motorcycle with two sidecars, and that's how we should

[38:17] do it.

[38:17] Oh, that's so awesome!

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] Wow.

[38:21] That is the greatest thing I've ever heard of.

[38:23] I hope that the two sidecars detach and wings come out like the mask action figures.

Stuart Wellington

[38:29] What would your mask look like?

[38:31] Oh, I don't know.

[38:32] Mine would be some kind of animal totem, like an eagle.

Elliott Kalan

[38:37] I think mine would be a mask...

[38:38] Don't think too hard.

[38:39] Well, I was just going to say...

Stuart Wellington

[38:40] It looks like you're taking...

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] Ernie Hudson and Ghostbusters.

[38:44] That's my mask right there.

[38:47] Winston Zedmore.

[38:48] You might know him as.

[38:50] Yeah.

[38:50] But I think someday...

[38:52] Maybe someday we'll make this trip come true.

[38:54] How about that?

Dan McCoy

[38:55] Yeah.

[38:56] And to answer your question, Allie, yes, I lived in Minneapolis for a while.

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] I didn't know that.

[39:00] How'd that work out?

[39:01] It was good.

[39:02] What did you do there?

Dan McCoy

[39:03] I was a temp.

[39:05] I didn't do anything.

[39:07] I went there after college because I had a friend who lived there.

[39:09] And we roomed there together.

Elliott Kalan

[39:11] After college, I went to the big city, Minneapolis.

Dan McCoy

[39:14] But then I got engaged and I wanted to be closer to my wife.

[39:18] Your source of poon.

[39:20] That's what was on the...

[39:22] That's the way a caveman would look at it.

[39:24] That's what was on the t-shirt I gave her on our first anniversary.

[39:29] That's delightful.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] That is the novelty t-shirt anniversary.

[39:34] Wait, a novelty?

[39:38] It's formal attire.

[39:41] Well, thank you very much for inviting us into your home, Matt, last name withheld.

Dan McCoy

[39:45] So now we should move on to recommendations.

Stuart Wellington

[39:48] So just to clarify, that isn't a complete turndown of his suggestion.

[39:52] No.

[39:52] We have to consider logistics.

[39:54] Well, yeah.

[39:55] More of a punch.

Elliott Kalan

[39:56] We all have jobs.

[39:59] We have busy schedules.

[40:01] We can't just drop everything and fly to Minnesota or take a motorcycle with two sidecars.

[40:05] As awesome as that would be.

[40:07] I mean, I could probably do it.

[40:09] Yeah.

[40:09] I don't...

[40:10] I mean, I do...

[40:12] I could blow off the next week, which is Thanksgiving and wedding planning with my fiancée and her family,

[40:19] to go to Minnesota to meet a guy I've never met and watch a movie with him.

Stuart Wellington

[40:24] Just tell her you're sick or something.

Elliott Kalan

[40:28] Because the way it works with our relationship is I tell her I'm sick,

[40:31] and then disappear for a couple of days.

[40:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:32] So it's like a Ferris Bueller type thing where you have a dummy in the bed.

Dan McCoy

[40:36] I think that's a Poon t-shirt quality decision.

[40:39] Yeah.

[40:39] She made it.

[40:42] Yeah.

[40:42] Movies that you liked.

[40:43] That's what we're on.

[40:44] Do I do that?

[40:46] Like movies?

[40:47] Like movies?

[40:48] You've forgotten.

[40:49] My life is a hell of Delgo.

[40:51] A film.

[40:54] Jesus.

[40:54] Yeah.

[40:54] Dan, what have you seen lately that you like?

[40:57] Well, I actually haven't seen that much.

[40:59] Well, what kind of porn have you been watching?

[41:00] Yeah.

[41:03] Primarily.

[41:04] You don't want to start talking about that.

[41:06] Oh, yeah.

[41:06] Right.

[41:07] Why?

[41:08] Are you like, you're afraid that I have some sort of deep, direct secret, aren't you?

[41:12] Yes.

[41:13] Okay.

[41:14] Well, I don't.

Stuart Wellington

[41:14] No?

[41:15] Oh, really?

[41:16] You're pretty straightforward in regards to that?

Dan McCoy

[41:18] Mm-hmm.

[41:19] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[41:20] A lot of missionary, maybe between the legs.

[41:24] Missionary classics.

[41:25] That's what I'm saying.

[41:26] That's the name of the DVD I rented.

Dan McCoy

[41:30] They're actually pretending to be missionaries.

Stuart Wellington

[41:32] And you've rented it repeatedly from the same video store, sure.

[41:35] Yeah.

[41:35] He should have just purchased it by this point.

[41:37] Yeah, you would think.

[41:38] He spent like $40.

Dan McCoy

[41:39] Well, I like to support brick-and-mortar stores.

[41:43] Yeah.

[41:43] Because otherwise, pornography is going to disappear from the rental scene.

Stuart Wellington

[41:47] You're also concerned that if you owned missionary classics, you might either A, damage the DVD by repeated viewings, or masturbate yourself to death.

[41:55] You like to make it more of like a special occasion where you put on some candles.

[41:59] Oh, like what?

Elliott Kalan

[42:00] Like it's a wonderful life on television, you know?

[42:02] Sure, totally.

[42:03] Anyway.

[42:04] It means more once a year.

Dan McCoy

[42:06] The best I can come up with, actually.

[42:07] Some candles.

[42:09] Is I saw A Serious Man.

[42:11] We were talking about it just before the podcast, and I enjoyed it quite a lot.

[42:17] I don't think it needs my support.

[42:19] It has a lot of critical support behind it.

[42:21] But Elliot was wondering whether it played to a non-Jewish audience.

[42:26] Well, not whether it played, but what the experience of watching it is like.

[42:32] You know, it's like watching any movie about an experience which is not exactly your own.

[42:39] Impossible.

[42:42] Yeah, well, that's why I picked Delgo.

[42:46] That's why the only movies I've ever seen are Ghost World and Lucas.

[42:48] I noticed your big pixie wings that you have behind you.

[42:53] I'm like, huh, Elliot would appreciate Delgo.

[42:57] He's a lizard monkey.

[42:58] But I don't really have much to say about A Serious Man, actually, though.

[43:03] Other than I feel like it's a very personal Coen Brothers movie, which is what I enjoy much more than, say, No Country for Old Men.

[43:11] Which I did enjoy, but...

Elliott Kalan

[43:12] It feels like this is one that really comes from inside them as opposed to...

[43:17] Yeah.

[43:18] Outside of them?

[43:19] Sure.

[43:21] Okay, who's next?

[43:23] Would you like me to go next?

[43:24] Sure.

[43:25] Because the movie I'm going to name is not...

[43:27] Not...

Stuart Wellington

[43:29] Okay, I'll go next.

[43:30] Okay, there you go.

[43:30] In the spirit of animated movies, I've been racking my brain to think of the stupidest movie I've ever seen.

[43:37] And the stupidest animated movie I've seen, which I like a lot.

[43:42] This is one that you're recommending.

[43:43] Yeah, I'm going to recommend it because it's crazy.

[43:46] Is, uh...

[43:47] I watched this crazy fan subtitled version of this Japanese animated movie called Jojo's Bizarre Adventure.

[43:56] That's, you know, put together by the same dude who made the Fist of the North Star thing.

[44:01] You know, where the guy punches people and then they explode like ten minutes later.

[44:04] Well, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure involves a bunch of superhuman dudes who all have a magical power that's based loosely on the major arcana of the tarot.

[44:15] And, uh, it's really awesome.

[44:17] And, uh, one of the bad guys' name is Vanilla Ice.

[44:22] And then...

[44:23] But he's not actually Vanilla Ice.

[44:25] He's not the popular actor slash...

Elliott Kalan

[44:28] You know him primarily as an actor.

[44:31] He was in the movie Cool as Ice.

[44:32] And had a brief role in Ninja Turtles 2 Secret of the Ooze.

[44:37] Sure, yeah.

[44:37] As himself.

[44:38] Yeah.

[44:40] Um, so...

[44:41] Hey, that's the hardest role to play.

[44:42] I was about to say Terminator 2 Secret of the Ooze, which would be a pretty interesting movie.

Stuart Wellington

[44:47] So, you have Vanilla Ice as one of the bad guys.

[44:51] And then, of course, the principal bad guy whose magical power is based on the world, which allows him to stop time and punch people in half,

[44:59] is, of course...

[45:01] Perfect logic.

[45:02] Is, of course, the ancient, I think, Mayan vampire Dio.

[45:07] Ronnie James Dio?

[45:08] Yeah.

[45:09] I wish it was Ronnie James Dio.

[45:10] It's just another bad guy named Dio.

[45:12] So, if you want to watch something totally crazy, watch JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[45:18] If you want to watch something...

Stuart Wellington

[45:19] That one was for all those otakus out there, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[45:23] Wow.

[45:23] Oh, tacos.

[45:24] Yeah.

[45:24] Otaku.

[45:25] No.

[45:26] But...

[45:27] Aw.

[45:27] Just go.

[45:28] I love tacos.

[45:29] You might call me a taco otaku.

[45:33] But...

[45:33] For a movie that's not crazy all over entirely, but does have a certain amount of crazy to it,

[45:40] a movie I saw recently that actually I liked a lot, it was a silent film from the days before

[45:46] talkies called The Penalty, starring Lon Chaney Sr., where he is a guy who, as a child, he had...

[45:54] He was in an accident, and an inexperienced doctor amputated both of his legs from the knee down,

[45:59] and this has driven him crazy.

[46:01] And he is now a crime boss...

[46:03] As an adult, he's now a crime boss named Blizzard, who has a very elaborate plan to get revenge

[46:09] on the now older doctor who did this to him.

[46:12] And it's the movie where Lon Chaney...

[46:14] If people know it, it's because it's the movie where Lon Chaney devised a harness for himself

[46:20] that basically strapped his legs back against themselves so that he had to walk around on

[46:25] his knees, and it was incredibly painful.

[46:27] But he does such a good job of putting across this guy who moves very fluidly on his stumps

[46:33] and climbs around with his arms and is super evil, and it gets...

[46:38] It resolves itself in a very crazy, unbelievable way.

[46:42] Like Basket Case?

[46:44] Not quite as crazy as Basket Case.

[46:46] But it's a movie where this guy is a crime boss who has a...

[46:50] His goal is to basically bring in an army of foreign immigrants to loot the entire city of San Francisco.

[46:57] That he's located in.

[46:58] But it was really good.

[47:00] The version I saw was on Turner Classic Movies, and I think that's the version available on DVD,

[47:04] which had a pretty neat kind of modern-ish soundtrack with a lot of...

[47:09] It almost sounded like...

[47:11] Not exactly synthesizer sounds, but not...

[47:13] It was not like some soundtracks for silent movies where they're trying to replicate the

[47:17] original experience, so it's like a tinny piano playing the same thing over and over again.

[47:21] But the soundtrack actually added a lot of nice elements to it.

[47:25] Like hip-hop and stuff?

[47:26] Yeah, there's a lot of hip-hop, a lot of like daft punk techno type stuff.

[47:30] Sounds pretty cool.

[47:30] Yeah.

[47:31] A lot of trip-hop.

Stuart Wellington

[47:32] Oh, wow.

[47:33] I don't even know what that is.

Elliott Kalan

[47:34] At one point, Lon Chaney crunks, and...

[47:37] What?

[47:38] Not really.

[47:39] But he doesn't have legs!

Dan McCoy

[47:41] Alright.

[47:42] So, guys, that wraps up this 50th show.

[47:46] Well, we had a lot of laughs.

[47:47] Yeah, sure.

[47:49] And a lot of tears.

[47:50] I look forward to keeping... doing more until...

[47:53] 50 more?

[47:54] At least 50 more.

[47:55] No, keeping...

[47:56] I look forward to doing more...

[47:58] 50 more.

[47:58] ...until such time as we decide we have better things to do.

[48:02] Well, we'll do at least 50, right?

[48:04] I mean, come on, Dan.

[48:05] Well, we've done at least 50.

[48:07] Yeah, but 50 more.

[48:08] We gotta take it to 100.

Stuart Wellington

[48:09] I don't have that much going on, like...

[48:12] Alright, we'll see.

Elliott Kalan

[48:13] Okay.

[48:13] We'll just take it one day at a time.

[48:14] Stuart's mustache recently died, and since then, he's been looking for things to fill the

[48:18] time.

[48:18] I had to bury it.

[48:19] Fill the big hole in his upper lip.

[48:22] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] I buried it at Potter's Field.

[48:26] Oh, that's horrible!

Elliott Kalan

[48:28] I know.

[48:28] A beggar's burial?

[48:30] Yeah.

[48:30] In an unmarked grave?

[48:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[48:33] On that absurd image, I'd like to sign off saying that I was Dan McCoy.

[48:40] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[48:41] And I will always be, L.D. Caelan, yay, forever and ever, without beginning or end for all

[48:47] eternity.

[48:48] Amen.

[48:49] Auf Wiedersehen.

Stuart Wellington

[48:58] Check, check, check, check.

Elliott Kalan

[49:00] Dan's favorite thing.

[49:02] When we do our audio check.

[49:04] Dan loves this part.

Stuart Wellington

[49:06] Jamming on the ones.

[49:09] The lips, the teeth.

[49:10] All right, guys.

[49:14] Do we watch a movie tonight?

[49:16] What's going on?

The Flop House: Episode #50 - Delgo

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