The Flop House Movie Minute #33 - Writers Guild

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] It's the Flophouse Movie Minute.

[0:07] Dan, you recently joined the Writers Guild of America East.

[0:10] Yes, that's true.

[0:11] So now that means two out of the three people on this podcast are WGA East members.

[0:19] So is Stuart a scab?

Dan McCoy

[0:20] Yeah, this might be a guild project now.

Elliott Kalan

[0:23] What do I have to do to become a guild member?

[0:26] Well, you've got to be sponsored to join the guild or asked to join the guild.

[0:29] Then there's paperwork to fill out.

[0:31] Have you ever worked in guild capacity during a strike?

[0:35] Did you cross picket lines?

Dan McCoy

[0:36] To work at a TV show or a film.

[0:38] Say it's the 80s and the 1980s strike is going on.

[0:43] I didn't do that.

[0:44] And you really want to write for the facts of life.

[0:46] Okay.

[0:47] True story.

[0:49] But you don't want to have to go through, you know, abide by the guild strike.

[0:53] Well, you figure this is your chance.

[0:55] There's a strike.

[0:56] And I generally don't agree with unions, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[0:58] Yeah, well, you've always been a union buster.

[1:00] You remember the Pinkertons for many years.

[1:02] You actually...

Dan McCoy

[1:03] You really feel like you have Tootie's voice down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05] You actually...

[1:05] When you...

[1:06] I saw Norma Ray with you and you actually booed Norma Ray.

[1:09] Yeah.

[1:10] And every scene you go, snipers, where are you?

[1:13] Snipers!

[1:14] She's right there holding the sign up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16] Stewart wants snipers in every movie.

[1:18] Yeah, that's true.

[1:19] Yeah.

[1:19] I'm a real big sniper fan.

[1:21] I remember this really great movie called...

[1:24] I can't remember.

[1:25] It's got Tom Berenger in it.

[1:27] Billy Zane.

[1:29] Oh, Titanic.

[1:30] I think it's snipers.

[1:32] Sub to Titanic.

[1:33] At one point, one of the snipers shoots another dude through the little lens thing he used to see.

[1:39] Oh, they do that in Saving Private Ryan, too.

[1:40] Yeah, but this is a little bit more interesting.

[1:42] It's more sophisticated.

[1:43] Because the focus in this movie is on snipers.

[1:46] And I think Tom Berenger did it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] That's like that movie Snipe Hunt?

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] I haven't seen that.

[1:50] What's going on there?

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] I have to assume from the title it's a TNA comedy from the 80s.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56] That sounds pretty good.

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:57] Are there snipers in it?

[1:58] No.

[1:59] But there is hunting.

[2:01] Oh, that sounds pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] Actually, this is...

[2:03] So, Snipe Hunt, it's a bunch of teens, like college kids, who go out in the woods.

[2:07] I mean, they're basically teenage college kids, though, right?

[2:09] I mean, they're...

[2:10] They're advanced for their age.

[2:12] Yeah, they're like...

[2:13] Well, they're legal, you know.

[2:14] Sure.

[2:14] They're old enough to party.

[2:16] 19.

[2:16] And they're old enough to party, yeah.

[2:19] And they head out to the woods on a Snipe Hunt, which is really just an excuse for the

[2:24] guys to get into the pants of the girls.

[2:25] Get a little bit handsy.

[2:26] Yeah.

[2:27] And it stars Willie Ames and an assortment of girls who seem less attractive now than they

[2:33] did in the 80s.

[2:34] Gretchen Maul.

[2:36] I don't know how Gretchen Maul got into this.

Stuart Wellington

[2:39] Is that who you think when you think 80s TNA comedies?

[2:42] No, it was just a name popped into my head.

[2:43] Oh, okay.

[2:44] It's like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Elliott Kalan

[2:45] Well, enough joviality.

[2:47] Are you going to join the guild?

Stuart Wellington

[2:48] Yeah.

[2:49] What do I have to do?

[2:50] Do I have to do, like, push-ups or...

[2:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Perfect push-ups in packs.

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] Perfect push-ups.

[2:55] I think I got that covered.

[2:57] Now, do I have to be able to do soft shoe properly or...

[3:00] Yes.

[3:00] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:01] Soft shoe, hard shoe, intermediate shoe.

[3:03] Okay.

[3:04] Many different kinds of shoes.

[3:05] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[3:06] And wait, you had to do all this, Dan?

[3:07] Wouldn't you?

[3:08] I was brought in by a mason.

[3:11] Okay.

[3:11] So, things...

[3:12] The wheels were greased.

[3:13] Dan was grandfathered in.

[3:15] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[3:15] And that his grandson was already a member of the group.

Stuart Wellington

[3:17] Okay.

[3:17] So, my first step is what?

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] Usually is writing something.

[3:22] Okay.

[3:22] I have to write something.

[3:23] Yeah.

[3:23] In my case, that was not part of the process.

[3:25] That's not the hard thing.

[3:25] You can use a paper and pencil, duh.

[3:27] Yeah.

[3:27] Well, okay.

[3:28] What would you write if we gave you a paper and pencil?

Stuart Wellington

[3:30] I don't know, like a grocery list or...

[3:33] Good enough.

[3:34] Okay.

[3:34] A list of my favorite movies?

[3:35] Both good.

[3:36] Okay.

[3:37] I mean, it's basically...

[3:38] It's Ice Pirates just over and over.

[3:41] That's your grocery list.

[3:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:44] Pick up DVD of Ice Pirates.

[3:46] Pick up Blu-ray of Ice Pirates.

[3:49] Go to the...

[3:50] LaserDisc of Ice Pirates.

[3:51] Nomenalization.

[3:51] Go to the closing blockbuster video down the street and pick up a VHS copy of Ice Pirates.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] Yeah.

[3:58] Whatever.

[3:58] How come Ice Pirates on Ice never got off the ground?

[4:01] I don't know.

[4:02] It seems like a natural.

[4:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:03] I think with all the time travel stuff near the end...

[4:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] Hard to do in a rink.

[4:08] Through them for a loop.

[4:09] Then you'd have to write an essay for us, Why I Want to Join the Guild in 25 Words or Less.

Stuart Wellington

[4:14] 25 words.

[4:14] Okay.

[4:15] That's only a couple of sentences.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] Yeah.

[4:16] Well, you gotta be good.

[4:17] We don't have a lot of time.

[4:18] Brevity is the soul of etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.

Stuart Wellington

[4:22] Okay.

[4:23] Not a lot of, like, big words or...

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] You only get 25 words.

[4:27] So you better use the biggest words you can think of.

[4:29] That makes sense, actually.

Dan McCoy

[4:30] Think of it as the opposite of tweeting.

[4:32] Okay?

[4:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:33] I like this.

[4:34] In that, uh, it's not that.

Stuart Wellington

[4:36] Okay.

[4:36] Is there a time limit on this, or...?

[4:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] 25 seconds.

[4:39] You get one word a second.

[4:40] Or less.

Stuart Wellington

[4:41] Or less.

[4:42] Yeah.

[4:42] Because I want to write for the guild or be part of...

Elliott Kalan

[4:46] Well, you have to tell us why.

Stuart Wellington

[4:47] Oh.

[4:48] Yeah.

[4:48] Duh.

Elliott Kalan

[4:49] And also, the first rule of dramatic writing is show, not tell.

[4:51] So you gotta really make it a scene.

Stuart Wellington

[4:53] Yeah.

[4:54] Okay.

[4:54] Really get across the impression that I want to be...

[4:56] In fact, just draw us a picture.

[4:58] Oh, wait.

[4:58] I can draw?

[4:59] You didn't say I could do that.

Elliott Kalan

[5:00] Well, I...

[5:00] It's...

[5:01] It's...

[5:01] There's been a lot of debate over this, because a picture's worth a thousand words.

[5:04] You're only allowed 25 words.

[5:06] So this is roughly, you know, what, 400 times the limit.

[5:09] Yeah, I'm exceeding my limit, right?

[5:10] Yeah, but, you know, nobody...

[5:12] What if I do it with my left hand?

[5:13] Is that the hand you write with usually?

[5:15] No.

[5:16] Then you get five extra words.

[5:17] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[5:17] It's the hand you use for other things, isn't it?

Stuart Wellington

[5:20] Yeah.

[5:20] Well, it's traditionally the hand I use for going to the bathroom.

[5:26] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] You use your hand?

[5:27] Because I have other parts of my body that do that function for me.

[5:30] No, I scream under my fingernails.

[5:31] Really?

[5:31] That sounds terrible.

[5:33] The cleaning process must be disastrous.

[5:35] It's weird.

Stuart Wellington

[5:35] I have to squeeze my hand like a tube of toothpaste until it squirts out my fingernails.

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] So it's like when someone's...

[5:40] Oh, okay.

[5:41] Well, that's gross.

[5:42] Stuart doesn't...

[5:43] Stuart...

[5:44] What a horrible image.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] Stuart doesn't like unzipping things, so he's run a catheter up to his hand.

[5:52] Oh, I see.

[5:53] That makes more sense.

[5:53] And that way you can just shoot it out.

[5:54] That's not true at all.

[5:54] I'm like a blob man.

Elliott Kalan

[5:57] Do you have, like, a skeleton or organs or anything?

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] I do have an exoskeleton, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:03] Really?

[6:03] An exoskeleton?

[6:04] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[6:05] Most people assume that it's just a really cool suit of armor.

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] Yeah, that's what I always thought.

[6:09] Yeah, no, it's not.

[6:10] But it's more of a carapace.

Stuart Wellington

[6:11] Yeah, well, it keeps all my, like, almost gelatinous organs inside my mouth.

[6:16] Wow, really?

[6:17] Well, that might...

[6:17] It protects my soft armor.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] I'm not going to lie to you.

[6:19] That's not going to help you with a guild at the moment.

[6:21] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[6:22] They prefer humans, I guess?

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] Yeah, just by default.

[6:25] But there are exceptions.

Stuart Wellington

[6:27] Okay.

[6:27] Are you doing, like, a weird Vulcan hand signal?

[6:29] I was just gesturing with my hands.

Elliott Kalan

[6:31] Weird.

Stuart Wellington

[6:31] It's just something my people do.

[6:33] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] By which I mean guild members.

[6:35] Sure.

[6:36] What else is there?

[6:37] And then there's just a $3,000 entry fee.

Stuart Wellington

[6:39] Okay, 3,000 space bucks?

[6:42] Or do you take space bucks?

Elliott Kalan

[6:44] I don't think so, since you made them up.

[6:47] Really, American currency would be best.

[6:49] So what about Australian dollars?

[6:51] English pounds would be great.

[6:52] They're a little stronger right now.

[6:54] Sure.

[6:54] Pounds sterling.

[6:56] Pounds...

[6:56] Krugerrands.

[6:58] Yeah, Krugerrands.

[6:58] Oh, I can use Krugerrands.

[7:00] Yen.

[7:00] If you could pay it in gold, that'd be great.

[7:02] Gold has never been zero.

[7:03] So it's a really good investment.

Dan McCoy

[7:05] We actually set up a website, and it's goldforguildmembership.com.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] Mm-hmm.

[7:11] What about space gold?

[7:11] The four is a numeral.

[7:12] I don't know what space gold would be.

[7:14] It's gold to get from outer space.

[7:15] And where would you get this gold?

[7:17] What are the sources of gold in space?

[7:19] Jupiter?

[7:21] No, Jupiter is a gas giant.

[7:24] There's no ground.

Stuart Wellington

[7:25] Have you ever been there?

[7:27] I haven't.

[7:28] He's got you there.

[7:28] That's a good point.

[7:29] He's got you there.

[7:29] That's a good point.

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] Is that where you're from?

[7:32] No, it's just there's treasure chests all over the place.

[7:35] Really?

[7:35] So it's like the pirate planet.

[7:36] It's like Treasure Planet.

[7:37] Yeah.

[7:38] Treasure...

[7:38] Okay, is that the Treasure Planet in the movie?

Stuart Wellington

[7:40] Maybe.

[7:41] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] I didn't see it.

[7:42] I tried to avoid David Hyde Pierce.

[7:43] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[7:44] Is it homophobia, or...?

Elliott Kalan

[7:46] I don't like people with Pierce in their name.

[7:48] Okay, that makes sense.

[7:49] It sounds like puncturing.

[7:50] Okay.

[7:51] Or Hyde, like Mr. Hyde.

[7:52] He's probably going to go crazy.

[7:53] It's a very sharp name.

[7:55] Yeah.

[7:55] So you're a guild member now.

[7:57] Okay.

[7:58] Congratulations.

[7:59] That's good.

[7:59] Thanks for joining.

[8:00] You now get guaranteed guild health insurance.

[8:05] Do I get a neck tattoo?

[8:06] If you want.

[8:07] It'll be a barcode a la Hitman.

[8:09] Oh, that's pretty awesome.

[8:10] You also have to shave your head and eyebrows.

Stuart Wellington

[8:12] Okay.

[8:13] Do I...

Elliott Kalan

[8:14] And you're Timothy Oliphant now.

Stuart Wellington

[8:15] Do I get a samurai sword?

[8:18] A samurai sword.

[8:21] Sorry, what?

[8:21] So is that a sword you get at a deli?

[8:23] I'm sorry.

[8:23] No, it's a sword that a samurai would use.

[8:26] Samurai.

[8:27] A samurai.

[8:28] I'm not familiar with that.

[8:29] No, the samurais.

[8:30] Don't know what it is.

[8:31] The Japanese guys with the funny haircuts.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] Samurais.

[8:35] Oh, Beatles Japan.

[8:38] No, no, no.

[8:38] Samurais.

[8:39] It's like Beatlemania, but they're all Japanese.

[8:41] No, samurais.

[8:42] Sam my eyes?

[8:43] No, samurais.

[8:45] What?

[8:45] I don't know what I'm supposed to do to my eyes.

[8:48] I don't understand.

[8:49] No, no, no.

[8:49] It's samurais.

[8:50] What is samming?

Stuart Wellington

[8:52] No, that's what they're called.

[8:53] They're those guys that fight ninjas and shit.

[8:56] They're Japanese guys.

[8:57] Oh, Daredevil.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] No.

[8:59] Daredevil.

[8:59] He does fight ninjas.

[9:00] Yeah, he's got you there.

[9:01] Quite a lot.

[9:02] Quite a lot.

[9:03] Yeah, we fight some in court.

Dan McCoy

[9:07] But you do owe us $1,500.

Elliott Kalan

[9:15] I thought I paid that.

[9:17] Yeah, it turned out the check mounts.

[9:19] Only half of it did, though.

[9:20] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[9:21] Well, you've got to give me a couple of minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] We will give you 40 seconds.

[9:27] Are you going to excrete it from under your fingernails?

Stuart Wellington

[9:29] No, I've got to go to the ATM machine.

Elliott Kalan

[9:32] That's redundant.

[9:34] The M stands for machine.

[9:35] You're out of the room.

[9:36] Really?

[9:36] Yes.

[9:37] Wait, come on.

[9:39] That's the way the acronym works.

[9:40] What does the T stand for?

[9:42] Teller.

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] Like what?

[9:43] Like telling somebody something?

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] Well, no, like a bank teller.

[9:46] Or like Penn and Teller.

[9:47] They don't speak and also Penn yells at them.

Stuart Wellington

[9:51] Why is it that the bank tellers are always the most attractive people at the bank?

[9:55] I don't know what banks you go to.

[9:56] Hasn't been my experience.

Elliott Kalan

[9:58] Is there anyone else at the bank besides the tellers?

[10:01] Yeah, people wandering around.

[10:03] Oh, hobos.

[10:04] Customers.

[10:04] Oh, customers.

Stuart Wellington

[10:05] It's like the cantina in Mos Eisley.

Elliott Kalan

[10:08] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[10:09] Because Dr. Evazan is there in Ponda Beva.

Stuart Wellington

[10:11] Yeah, well, they're wandering around and the bank tellers are attractive.

Elliott Kalan

[10:14] So I guess the bank teller in this case would be what?

[10:16] The band?

[10:17] I don't know.

[10:17] There's no one attractive in the Mos Eisley cantina.

[10:18] Yeah, probably.

[10:18] They'd be like the Bith band, yeah.

[10:21] They're called the Bith band.

[10:23] More of a Max Rebo fan myself.

[10:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:27] So is this it?

[10:28] Do you want me to keep bullshitting again?

Elliott Kalan

[10:36] And that was Flophouse Follies.

The Flop House Movie Minute #33 - Writers Guild

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