The Flop House: Episode #51 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Dan McCoy

[0:00] We are the best at what we do.

[0:02] And what we do is watch X-Men Origins Wolverine with our contest winner.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:36] My name is Elliot Kalin and that is who I am.

Dan McCoy

[0:39] I'm Dash Coombs.

[0:40] That's right. Our contest winner, Dash, is here with us.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] Welcome, Dash.

[0:45] In my apartment.

S4

[0:48] It's great to be here.

Dan McCoy

[0:49] I don't know what that was.

[0:51] I overcame my fear that he was a crazy person who wanted to wear us as skin suits.

[0:55] You were really nervous.

[0:56] Yeah, you talked about that a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[0:57] I think you kind of wanted it after a while.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] I'm inviting someone into my home.

[1:02] You guys aren't. This isn't your home.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03] I mean, I think you're underestimating Elliot's physical prowess.

[1:08] Well, I go into what's called a berserker rage.

[1:10] Yeah.

[1:11] In which I just see red and when I wake up there's bodies everywhere.

[1:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14] It's almost like you awaken a manimal inside of you.

[1:17] Yeah, the other side.

[1:19] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] The other within.

[1:20] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:21] It's almost like I'm more beast than man at times.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23] Really? No shit.

[1:24] Yeah.

[1:24] I don't know how.

[1:25] Can you smell better than a normal person?

[1:27] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] Heightened smell, hearing, sight.

[1:29] Yeah.

[1:30] Touch, taste, balance, and sense of style.

[1:33] I got no shit.

[1:34] Yeah, heightened sense of style.

[1:36] Okay, no kidding.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] I have no idea how I'm going to segue into the movie we watched tonight.

[1:40] The things you've been saying.

[1:42] There's absolutely no.

[1:43] So I'm just going to say that we watched.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44] Yeah, they probably know what movie it is.

Dan McCoy

[1:46] I mean, it's on the name of them.

[1:47] It's written on the entry.

[1:48] Yeah, it's on the internet.

[1:49] Okay, fine.

[1:50] We watched X-Men Origins.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52] Wolverine.

Dan McCoy

[1:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] That's which X-Men Origins.

[1:56] Colon Wolverine.

[1:57] So, Elliot.

[1:59] Because you're executing the program file.

[2:03] Wolverine.

[2:04] Colon blackback slash Wolverine.

[2:07] Dot exe.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] Elliot, you were known to America as the man who explained Adamantium to Jon Stewart.

[2:15] Oh, I forgot about that.

[2:16] So clearly this must be your favorite movie.

[2:19] Yeah, this is...

[2:19] I forgot about this television appearance.

[2:22] This national TV appearance.

Elliott Kalan

[2:23] Yes, this is my favorite movie for that reason.

[2:27] I will tell you that my explanation of what Adamantium was, which is literally just saying

[2:31] the name of it, felt more accurate to the character Wolverine than this film.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:36] How so?

[2:38] It seems like they've taken some...

[2:40] Not liberties is the wrong word.

[2:41] It seems like they've condensed about 20 years of Wolverine stories into an hour and 45 minute film

[2:47] and then added in a couple dashes of made up bullshit.

Stuart Wellington

[2:50] Do we have to point out that, like, we've all read a shitload of Wolverine comic books?

Elliott Kalan

[2:56] I think you just did point it out.

[2:58] I think that's important to know.

[2:59] You fell into their trap.

[3:00] Yeah, so the readers, the listeners at home, we were all very familiar with this character

[3:05] before we saw the movie.

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:06] We didn't pick him up from the X-Men movies or from his late night talk show.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] I, for one, was disappointed that this was not an adaptation of the limited series Kitty Pryde

[3:16] and Wolverine.

Elliott Kalan

[3:16] Oh, you were the only one.

[3:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:19] Yeah.

[3:21] Dash, you actually saw a part of this movie before, you said, and you fell asleep in it.

[3:25] I did, yeah.

[3:26] Which part?

S4

[3:27] Which part did I fall asleep in?

[3:28] Yeah.

[3:28] Which part did I see?

[3:29] I fell asleep about 20 minutes in, in a theater.

[3:33] Whoa.

[3:34] Whoa.

[3:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:35] I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that this is a theater that's a converted

[3:39] sauna.

[3:40] It's just so muggy in the theater.

[3:42] Well, I got to see it for free, so I didn't feel as bad about it.

[3:44] Oh, okay.

[3:44] There's a carbon monoxide leak.

[3:46] That's fair.

[3:46] And, uh...

[3:48] Yeah, you're...

Dan McCoy

[3:48] Fixed it midway through.

[3:49] You're wearing a Captain America shirt, so we have to assume that you had a certain level

[3:53] of excitement to see this movie.

[3:55] A certain.

[3:56] A certain level.

[3:57] I mean, it's not like it was a Captain America movie.

[3:59] Oh, no.

[3:59] Of course not.

Stuart Wellington

[4:00] And the funny thing is, like, we all like comics, guys, and yet we waited this long to

[4:04] see this fucking movie.

[4:05] The other night, I was out with two girls, both of whom...

[4:08] At the same time, Stuart?

[4:09] At the same time, fellows.

[4:11] And, uh...

[4:12] I'm not going to go into too much because I'm a gentleman, but I do want to point out that

[4:17] at some point, the movie Wolverine, you know, X-Men Origins or whatever it was called that

[4:23] we watched today, the subject came up and I was the only one of the three who hadn't

[4:28] seen it yet.

[4:28] Wow.

[4:29] Well.

[4:30] So...

[4:31] Two ladies.

[4:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:32] And we all know that...

[4:33] Ladies like Wolverine.

[4:33] We all know that ladies...

[4:34] I think it's because of that Australian film.

[4:35] LL Cool W.

[4:37] Let's just spread stereotypes about women.

[4:39] They don't read comics, so...

[4:41] Well, in my experience, they don't that much.

[4:42] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[4:43] Non-comic book reading women were out with me.

[4:46] We have to assume their boyfriends dragged them to see it.

[4:47] Because I generally don't go out with comic book reading women.

Dan McCoy

[4:50] Whoa, whoa.

[4:50] Wow.

[4:51] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[4:53] I have to assume you're insulting a large contingent of our audience.

[4:56] I'm insulting myself.

[4:57] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[4:58] Because I judge women not based on their reading preferences.

[5:02] On the content of the character.

[5:03] Yeah, I don't.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] Right.

[5:05] The content of their...

Stuart Wellington

[5:06] What?

[5:07] ...bra size, I have to imagine.

[5:08] Is what you judge them by.

Elliott Kalan

[5:09] Uh, I think I should slap you, LL.

[5:14] But no, we're all familiar with this character of Wolverine.

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:19] Logan, as they call him.

[5:20] He's a roguish fellow.

[5:21] Patch.

[5:21] Patch is sometimes alias.

[5:24] When in Madripoor.

Stuart Wellington

[5:26] That country doesn't exist, right?

[5:28] No, it's not real.

[5:28] Yeah.

[5:29] Okay, isn't it just like an old-timey risk name of a country?

[5:32] It's a Chris Claremont fantasy country.

Elliott Kalan

[5:35] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[5:36] Yeah, Wolverine.

[5:37] It's like a hyper-advanced ninja populated country, right?

Elliott Kalan

[5:41] Well, no, it's not hyper-advanced.

Stuart Wellington

[5:43] It's like a sleepy 30s backwater.

[5:45] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:45] You're going down, like, a hole of very specific comic references that don't have to do...

Elliott Kalan

[5:51] We didn't talk about, like, Lila Chaney or anything like that.

[5:54] Yeah, and we weren't talking about...

[5:55] She's the transdimensional rock star from the X-Men comics.

Dan McCoy

[5:58] Okay.

[5:59] But Wolverine.

[6:00] Love the Wolverine.

[6:00] The Wolverine Origins.

[6:01] We all know him and love him.

[6:03] Or X-Men Origins Wolverine.

[6:04] The adamantium skeleton-clad, be-clawed, healing factor mutant with the crazy hair, the cigar, and a penchant for calling people bub.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] And he's, by far, for years, has been the most popular X-Men character.

[6:23] Sure.

[6:23] In the movies, as played by Hugh Jackman, who is very much the breakout character, he's a really charismatic character for a number of reasons.

Dan McCoy

[6:31] And all that was sucked out.

[6:33] Pretty much.

[6:33] Eliminated in this telling.

[6:35] They're like, people love Wolverine so much, if we give them a whole movie devoted to Wolverine, they will just go crazy in the theaters.

[6:42] They will rip up the seats and start throwing them spirit to give them the most dispiriting version.

Stuart Wellington

[6:47] They'll buy four tickets for each person.

[6:50] It'll destroy the economy.

[6:52] We can't do it.

Elliott Kalan

[6:53] Wait, did that happen?

[6:55] Yes.

[6:56] That's what caused it.

[6:58] Okay.

[6:59] But the problem is that Wolverine is like...

[7:01] That's like destroyed Dubai.

[7:02] He is a loner and a rebel and goes into rages.

[7:07] So he does...

[7:08] Like Kiwi Herman.

[7:09] Exactly, yeah.

[7:10] Dottie.

[7:11] So he, in the X-Men comics, he is the rogue element.

[7:16] You know, he's a good guy, but he has trouble towing the line.

[7:18] I thought rogue was a character in the X-Men.

[7:19] I'm using the word rogue, not the character rogue.

[7:21] Oh, God.

[7:22] He has trouble towing the line.

[7:23] In the X-Men movies, he's that way.

[7:25] That's...

[7:25] A lot of times in the comics, they pair him with a young girl or an idealistic character so

[7:30] that he can play off of that.

[7:32] Sure.

[7:32] So that she can be the kind of naive, good-hearted person and he can kind of have trouble staying

[7:37] completely moral.

Dan McCoy

[7:38] He's your classic anti-hero.

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] Exactly.

[7:41] Except in this movie, they didn't go that way and instead had to make him the nicest of

[7:46] a group of jerks.

[7:47] That's true.

[7:49] Yeah, a boring group of jerks.

[7:50] Very boring.

[7:51] If you ever wanted to see...

[7:53] It's like they flipped through X-Men comics and they were just like, they were like, hmm,

[7:58] too interesting.

[7:58] This character's too interesting.

[8:00] This character's too interesting.

[8:01] Okay, we'll pick the fat guy and the guy who...

[8:05] Well, there's no one here who fits the descriptions we need.

[8:08] So we'll just make up a guy who can teleport and is played by Will.i.am and we'll have a

[8:12] guy who controls light bulbs.

Stuart Wellington

[8:13] And I like when they show off this team like this team does a mission.

[8:17] They make sure to let each guy do something completely by themselves for a while.

[8:21] To show off their town.

[8:21] And they're like, okay, tag in.

[8:23] It's your turn.

[8:24] Which seems completely unnecessary.

[8:26] Why didn't they just send one guy to do everything?

[8:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:28] Or work as a team in tandem rather than individually.

[8:32] That's the thing.

[8:33] They're all bad guys, though.

Elliott Kalan

[8:33] It was either that or some kind of danger room session scene where they each show off their

[8:38] power.

[8:38] Yeah.

[8:39] That seems kind of like a staple of these kinds of movies.

[8:41] It's like there's...

[8:42] Evan Dorkin once told me about a...

[8:45] Oh, God.

[8:46] Fucking name dropping.

[8:48] About the...

[8:49] That there's always...

[8:50] I met him too.

Dan McCoy

[8:51] I mean, I met him through you at your live talk show.

[8:55] But still.

Elliott Kalan

[8:55] That was a long time ago.

[8:57] That there's always the character who has to rush up to a monster for no reason so that

[9:02] the monster can show you what his power is.

[9:05] So it's like if there's a monster with like acid hands, then a guy instead of like running

[9:10] away has to be like, what?

[9:11] And rush up at the acid hands monster so it can touch him and burn his face off.

[9:15] That guy's hands are totally weak.

[9:17] Oh, no.

[9:19] I'll hit him.

[9:20] I'll hit him at his most vulnerable point.

[9:21] His hands.

Stuart Wellington

[9:23] I got this, guys.

[9:24] But so this...

[9:25] His hands.

[9:25] So powerful and acidic.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] So they have this scene where everyone uses their power to like one at a time so you can

[9:31] see what their powers are.

[9:32] But like one guy's just really good at shooting guns.

[9:35] Another guy is just a tough guy.

[9:37] Another guy controls machines.

[9:38] So like they're in an elevator and the guy they're up against stops the elevator.

[9:42] And this guy uses mutant powers to restart the elevator.

[9:45] Like it's the...

[9:45] They're really the most boring possible powers.

Stuart Wellington

[9:47] At least one other character proves that he can climb up walls.

[9:52] At least one.

Elliott Kalan

[9:53] All the characters also can do like crouching tiger wire food type stuff.

[9:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:58] By the way, guys, I'm still stuck on how you defeat acid hands and I'm betting it's baking

[10:02] soda.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] But anyway...

[10:04] We need to give...

[10:05] Baking soda gloves.

Stuart Wellington

[10:07] It's tricking him to touch another part of his body with his acid hands.

[10:11] Oh.

[10:12] Feathered in the nose.

[10:13] The old Medusa technique.

[10:16] But uh...

[10:17] Elliot, we should give...

[10:18] The Medusa Configuration.

[10:20] That's a good title for your spy novel.

Elliott Kalan

[10:23] We should...

[10:24] The Medusa Configuration.

[10:25] A Stuart Wellington Adventure.

Dan McCoy

[10:28] Elliot, we should both...

[10:29] We should both give the audience, the confused audience a break.

[10:33] And give Dash the full Flophouse experience.

[10:36] He's already had Popeyes.

[10:37] He's already...

[10:38] Yeah, it was good.

[10:38] He's already had some beer with Stuart.

[10:40] And me.

[10:41] Did he ever.

[10:42] I bet with Stuart's the...

[10:42] You drank beer?

[10:43] Yeah.

[10:45] I thought that was apple juice.

[10:47] I thought that was frothy apple juice.

[10:49] You just drank Chardonnay.

[10:51] But um...

[10:51] We should give him the full experience by having you explain the plot to this film.

[10:55] Sure.

[10:55] I'm sure.

[10:55] And also to our audience.

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] Okay.

[10:57] Begins...

[10:57] We're in Canada in the year 1845.

[11:01] This is not a joke.

[11:02] And uh...

[11:03] There's a young boy named James...

[11:05] Logan, I guess?

[11:07] Wolverine.

[11:07] And uh...

[11:08] James Wolverine-ington.

[11:10] Within minutes, this sickly boy, we see him watch his father get murdered.

[11:15] Then he kills the man who murdered his father.

[11:18] Finds out the man who murdered his father is his actual father.

[11:20] Which by the way does not play into the film.

[11:22] No, never.

[11:23] And then he has...

[11:24] And then he finds he has bone claws that come out of the backs of his hands.

[11:27] The son of the man he just found his father, Victor Creed, uh...

[11:31] Is...

[11:32] Has like claw fingernails.

[11:34] And he says, we're brothers.

[11:36] We gotta work together and protect each other.

[11:38] Cut to the title, opening titles, which shows them fighting through the next hundred years of wars.

Dan McCoy

[11:44] It's like the title sequence to Watchmen except for only focused on wars.

Elliott Kalan

[11:48] And not very good.

[11:49] So it's like it shows them fighting in the Civil War, World War I, World War II, Vietnam.

[11:55] And it's never explained, one, why they went to the United States.

[11:59] I would like to see them in like a civil rights rally.

Stuart Wellington

[12:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:02] Like the big stock market crash.

[12:04] Like one of them jumps out the window and the other one picks them up.

[12:08] Waiting online to see Wizard of Oz in the theaters.

Dan McCoy

[12:11] One of them on top of a flagpole.

Elliott Kalan

[12:13] Yeah.

[12:14] Dancing on the wing of a biplane.

[12:16] Yeah.

[12:17] Shooting Al Capone with Elliot Ness.

[12:21] All good stuff.

[12:22] See, I would have loved...

[12:22] If X-Men Origins Wolverine had taken place in like the 60s, I think it would have been a better movie.

[12:28] But instead they like...

[12:30] They're like, listen.

[12:31] Like Mad Men style.

[12:32] Yeah, kind of.

[12:33] But like, listen.

[12:35] They did a lot of exciting stuff over the last 150 years.

[12:38] Let's not talk about it.

[12:40] Let's talk about this other thing.

[12:42] But it means that like...

[12:43] You're just like, alright, I guess they enlisted in the U.S. Army.

[12:46] And then the Army never realized that these same two guys were there for over 100 years.

[12:52] Because in Vietnam, they have a falling out.

[12:55] And they kill some regular American soldiers in a fight.

[13:00] And their firing squad tries to kill them, but they can't.

[13:03] Because they have their healing powers.

[13:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:05] They're impervious to bullets.

[13:06] That's never really addressed.

Elliott Kalan

[13:07] A mysterious colonel or general or something named Striker, who is the villain from X-Men 2, you may remember.

Dan McCoy

[13:12] They're played by Danny Houston, best known for playing creepy middle-aged men and everything.

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] He shows up and says, why don't you join my team of ragtag mutant monsters?

[13:24] And they do, basically, I guess for the next 25 years.

[13:28] Although nobody seems to age from Vietnam until, I guess, the 80s?

[13:32] I don't know.

[13:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:33] We don't really know when present day in this film is, by the way.

[13:37] It's unclear.

[13:37] They do their best to kind of fudge the time.

Elliott Kalan

[13:40] Everything about it seems to say it's happening right now.

[13:42] But then Cyclops is a young boy.

[13:45] Or is like a teenager at one point.

[13:47] So it had to have been at least like 10 years ago.

[13:50] But there's just no historical markers whatsoever.

[13:53] They go out of their way to avoid them.

[13:55] Maybe they're going for a mythic, timeless quality.

[13:58] Sure.

[13:58] Like in the movie Legend.

[14:00] Exactly, yeah.

[14:01] Just like the movie Legend.

[14:03] Which could have taken place at any time.

[14:05] At least not.

[14:06] In a world of goblins and unicorns.

[14:09] But so, what happens, basically?

[14:13] They join this ragtag team of monsters.

[14:16] There's, which is on the lookout for this metal called adamantium.

[14:20] Which was discovered somewhere in Africa.

[14:23] In the African village, the team goes kill crazy.

[14:25] And Wolverine says, I've had enough of this.

[14:27] I'm not going to be a killer anymore.

[14:29] Leaves, becomes a hatchet man out in the woods.

[14:32] Or an axe man, I guess is what you call him.

[14:34] Yeah.

[14:34] A lumberjack.

[14:35] A lumberjack.

[14:36] Yeah, a lumberjack.

[14:36] Whatever.

[14:37] You know.

[14:37] He doesn't fire people.

[14:39] Let's make it clear.

Dan McCoy

[14:40] This is not up in the air with George Clooney.

Elliott Kalan

[14:42] The next shot is Wolverine in a suit being like, we've got to cut your staff by 30%.

[14:46] And he's got a ponytail.

[14:49] He's going bald in the front, but he has a ponytail in the back.

[14:52] So he's got a skillet.

[14:53] Yeah, yeah.

[14:54] Skillet.

[14:55] He's got a skillet.

[14:57] And so anyway, he goes, he lives out with his girlfriend in the woods as a lumberjack.

[15:05] Uh-oh.

[15:06] Striker and Sabretooth find him.

[15:08] Sabretooth kills his girlfriend.

[15:10] He wants revenge.

[15:11] So he says to Striker, okay.

[15:13] Striker says, Wolverine's, sorry, all these stupid names.

[15:18] Striker says, Sabretooth, your brother Victor is on the loose.

[15:21] We can't stop him, but we can give you the tools to stop him.

[15:24] And Wolverine says, I want revenge.

[15:26] Just point me at him and I'll kill him.

[15:27] So they fill his bones with adamantium so they're unbreakable.

[15:30] That makes sense.

[15:32] That's the logical first step.

[15:33] But then they reveal that Sabretooth was working.

[15:36] Well, actually, because he seems to know it, but then he doesn't know it.

[15:39] Wolverine runs away.

[15:41] He seems to realize that obviously Sabretooth is working with Striker.

[15:44] But then, so he runs away naked in the woods with his claws.

[15:49] And then he holds up with an old man and woman for about a day.

[15:53] They give him a leather jacket and a motorcycle because it's an origin story.

[15:56] So we have to learn how every fucking piece of clothing he ever wore got into his wardrobe and his bag of tricks.

Dan McCoy

[16:02] We never learned why he smokes cigars, Elliot.

[16:05] No, oh, I wish.

[16:06] That's a missing piece.

[16:06] There's a bar where it's like, oh, I've never had one of these before.

[16:08] Interesting.

[16:09] What do they call cigars?

[16:11] They're like big cigarettes.

Stuart Wellington

[16:15] Well, wait.

[16:15] So he should be inventing it?

[16:18] Oh, this cigarette isn't big enough for me.

Dan McCoy

[16:21] He went down to Cuba.

[16:23] He was like in the CIA.

[16:24] You don't know that story.

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] This bay?

[16:27] It should be called the Bay of Pigs.

[16:29] Basically, Wolverine tracks down his old allies, the blob, Fred J. Dukes, and Will.i.am, the character of, what was his name?

[16:38] John Wraith, maybe?

[16:39] Wraith, that's what it was.

[16:40] He was a teleporter.

[16:41] His teleportation powers.

[16:42] They tell him, Striker is kidnapping mutants and doing experiments on a secret island.

[16:47] Only one mutant's ever escaped the island.

[16:49] His name?

[16:50] Remy Lebo.

[16:51] They call him Gambit.

[16:53] Uh-oh!

[16:54] The worst character in X-Men history shows up.

[16:57] How can he be the worst character, Elliot?

[16:58] He's a ninja cowboy pirate.

[17:01] And he's Cajun.

[17:02] And he's Cajun.

[17:03] He's terrible in every way.

Stuart Wellington

[17:06] He's got purple body armor, as you pointed out.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] Yeah, and purple and pink body armor under a trench coat and some kind of headband with his hair flops over.

[17:13] In the movie, he doesn't have a heavy accent, but in the comics, he says, like,

[17:17] The ting is mon chéri.

[17:19] Oh, you know.

[17:20] He looks like a step aerobics instructor.

[17:22] Oh, Rory, I love you.

Dan McCoy

[17:22] We cannot touch each other.

Elliott Kalan

[17:24] Yeah.

[17:24] That's my question.

[17:24] That was kind of a nerdy game.

[17:27] Or a robot.

[17:29] Oh, my God.

[17:30] There's a Gambot?

[17:32] I wish.

Stuart Wellington

[17:33] Michael Gambot.

Dan McCoy

[17:35] The star of the Harry Potter films.

Elliott Kalan

[17:38] He's the star?

[17:40] He's not even the title character, Dan.

[17:43] He's the star of Singing Detective.

[17:45] He's not even the first one.

[17:47] He took over Richard Harris's role.

[17:50] I don't care about kids.

[17:51] I like old guys.

[17:55] Why couldn't this movie have been called Dumbledore and the Prisoner of Azkaban?

[18:01] Anywho.

Dan McCoy

[18:02] Gambit, by the way, played by Taylor Kirsch of Friday Night Lights.

[18:08] Good show.

[18:09] Tim Riggins.

Stuart Wellington

[18:09] I've never seen that show.

[18:10] I've heard great good things about it.

[18:11] It's a good show.

[18:11] Maybe I'll pick it up sometime.

[18:12] One of many Flophouse movies that features people from Friday Night Lights.

[18:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:18] Friday Night Lights and the Wire people do not have good movie careers despite being in good

[18:24] However, they still have careers.

[18:27] That's good.

[18:27] Yeah, it's true.

[18:28] They should be thankful.

[18:28] It's better than nothing.

[18:29] In this holiday season, they should be thankful.

[18:31] Absolutely.

[18:32] Things are tough, man.

[18:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:33] Anywho.

[18:35] Gambit helps Wolverine after a fight because friend heroes always fight first.

[18:40] In which the two characters use their powers in incredibly ridiculous ways.

Stuart Wellington

[18:44] They should write that on the cover of one of those two heroes fighting issues.

[18:48] Heroes always fight first.

Elliott Kalan

[18:51] Gambit flies Wolverine into the secret island.

[18:54] Wolverine learns everything he knows is a lie.

[18:56] He fights a lot of things.

[18:58] It turns out Striker is trying to combine all of these kids' mutant powers into one unstoppable

[19:03] soldier who is a kind of very loose take on the character of Deadpool, the Merc with a

[19:08] mouth.

[19:09] That's what they call him.

[19:10] He's got three titles.

[19:11] And they fight on the lip of a cooling tower.

[19:16] Wolverine and Sabretooth kind of team up, but then they don't.

[19:19] And then Sabretooth leaves.

[19:20] There's very little closure there.

[19:22] And Striker manages to shoot Wolverine in the head with an adamantium bullet, which doesn't

[19:26] kill him, but does remove his memory, a la Gillian getting hit with a coconut.

[19:30] Yeah.

[19:31] And Wolverine tragically does not remember his dead girlfriend at the end of the movie.

[19:37] And Charles Xavier.

[19:38] It turns out his girlfriend's working for Striker, but only because Striker had kidnapped the

[19:41] girlfriend's sister, who is kind of Emma Frost, the White Queen, but not exactly.

[19:46] Oh.

[19:47] Yeah, she's covered in diamonds.

[19:49] Well, you said, what was the name?

[19:51] Zales should have been her name.

[19:52] Her superpower name is Zales because she's covered in diamonds.

[19:55] Is Emma Frost covered in diamonds?

[19:55] Well, she's covered in white lingerie.

[19:58] No, no, they...

[19:58] She's not rhinestone.

[19:59] They decided...

[20:00] Yeah.

[20:00] Like the one in the film.

[20:01] They decided that being a super telepath wasn't enough, so she also has diamond hard skin.

[20:06] Oh.

[20:07] But she can't do both at the same time.

[20:08] Yeah, I thought she was just a hot telepath.

[20:10] Yeah.

[20:10] No, well, they changed that.

[20:11] She has diamond hard skin.

Stuart Wellington

[20:11] They had, like, a lot of sexual chemistry with Banshee.

[20:14] She just wears...

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] Well, now she has sexual chemistry with Cyclops.

[20:17] She wears scanty.

[20:18] Boring.

[20:18] That dude's a dork.

[20:21] Matt Fraction is writing him very well in the current run of Uncanny.

[20:24] Sure, I don't believe that, but we'll get into that later.

[20:26] We'll talk about that later.

[20:27] But...

[20:28] And Charles Xavier stops by and picks up all the kids.

[20:31] And that's it.

[20:32] Come with me.

[20:33] Come with me, guys.

[20:34] To my special kid school.

Stuart Wellington

[20:38] I can hear you in my mind.

[20:41] Can you?

Dan McCoy

[20:42] And in my pants.

Stuart Wellington

[20:44] I'm a shitload of candy in this blackbird.

Elliott Kalan

[20:51] I didn't think you were going to say it, then you said it.

Dan McCoy

[20:56] Elliot.

[20:58] Elliot's coughing up water.

Elliott Kalan

[20:59] You made him lose it, dude.

[21:01] That's well done.

[21:01] Yeah, nice work.

[21:02] Well done, old guy.

[21:03] With the worst, most horrible joke ever.

Dan McCoy

[21:06] Well, anyway, now that we've talked about the big picture, we can talk about terrible.

[21:11] And after the credits...

Elliott Kalan

[21:13] Oh, by the way, Deadpool's head gets cut off, and after the credits, his hand reaches over

[21:19] and grabs his head, and then his eyes open.

[21:21] And he shushes.

[21:22] And he shushes the audience.

[21:24] Don't tell anyone.

[21:26] I'm leaving it open for a sequel.

Dan McCoy

[21:29] Keep quiet in the movie theater, please.

[21:32] I want to move...

[21:32] Silence your cell phones.

[21:35] Fire exits to the front.

[21:38] Go to the concession stands.

Elliott Kalan

[21:40] Yep.

[21:41] Now it's time for the 20.

[21:43] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[21:45] Have some special Deadpool raisinets.

[21:47] There was...

[21:48] So that's the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[21:49] So that's the film.

[21:50] Okay.

[21:51] It is very boring, and by the numbers, and not very exciting.

[21:54] Oh, man.

[21:54] If by the numbers you mean they don't explain a lot of things that are necessary for understanding

[21:58] the characters.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] Well, no.

[21:59] The plot is very rote, but it's...

[22:00] Yeah, they expect you have seen all three X-Men movies, you've read the comics.

[22:04] They really do a bad job.

Stuart Wellington

[22:05] Possibly even seeing the pizza commercials featuring Wolverine slashing a pizza.

[22:09] Whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] They do a very bad job of explaining who these characters are, and why you should be interested

[22:14] in them.

[22:15] As you said, during the movie, an action scene would start, and you'd say, you know, I was

[22:19] just thinking...

[22:20] This is what Dan said.

[22:21] I was just thinking there isn't a lot of action in this movie, but now this action's kind

[22:23] of stupid.

[22:24] Dang!

[22:27] That's not how I talk.

[22:28] That's my Dan impression.

[22:30] Yeah, no.

[22:31] This is my...

[22:32] Actually, this is my Dan impression.

[22:34] Well, the thing about the movie is...

[22:37] Yep, that's it.

[22:38] It always starts with a sigh.

Dan McCoy

[22:40] Too close?

[22:41] Here's a digression.

[22:43] My loved wife in college apparently did an impression of me that just involved her sighing

[22:51] and then putting her hand to her forehead as if she was taking her own temperature.

[22:58] And it was pretty accurate, I gotta say.

[23:02] So, uh...

[23:02] So that anecdote you just heard was more exciting than the movie X-Men Origins Wolverine.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] Yeah, let's get back to the movie here.

[23:08] Well, Stuart, what do you want to say about it?

[23:09] Or Dash, you know?

[23:10] Yeah.

[23:12] Those claws were terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[23:14] Yeah, well, let's talk about fucking special effects for a second.

[23:16] Terrible effects.

[23:17] You know, I thought after X-Men 3, X-Men The Last Stand, there wasn't a chance for an X-Men

[23:24] based movie to have shittier special effects than that movie.

[23:29] But X-Men Origins Wolverine, they're abysmal.

[23:32] Like, when his fucking claws come out, it looks like the singing sword from fucking Who Framed

[23:36] Roger Rabbit.

[23:37] It's crazy.

[23:38] Yeah, they look like cartoon claws.

[23:39] Yeah, they're pastel blue.

[23:41] It's fucking nuts.

[23:42] Like Robocop.

[23:44] It's a lot like Robocop.

[23:45] And, you know, I don't watch the pictures expecting it to be exactly realistic.

[23:51] I mean, come on.

[23:51] This is a fantasy world.

[23:55] But I would like a little bit more adherence to reality, please.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] Well, just use props instead of terrible CGI effects.

[24:03] Like, maybe use the CGI for a second when the claws come out of his hands, but, like,

[24:07] why can't he just have a couple of prop claws strapped to his hands?

Stuart Wellington

[24:10] Yeah, or make not every single bullet hit in the ground CGI.

[24:15] Like, you could use squibs as Dan pointed out.

Elliott Kalan

[24:17] Yeah, there's a part where Wolverine is riding a motorcycle through the woods while a helicopter

[24:21] gunship fires at him.

[24:22] Not as exciting as it sounds.

[24:23] Sounds very exciting, but it is not.

[24:25] Each of those elements that should be exciting.

[24:27] Wolverine, motorcycle, gunship, woods.

[24:28] And then a helicopter is piloted by a mutant who's amazing at shooting guns.

[24:31] His name is Agent Zero, which seems to be a...

Dan McCoy

[24:35] Agent Gunzaloff is his name.

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] Well, they should have called him, like, Gunny, you know, or Shooter.

Stuart Wellington

[24:41] Starting Mark Wolverine.

[24:42] Yeah, well, there you go.

[24:43] That would be a really long name, though.

[24:46] Don't think it's a good name.

[24:47] Shooter starring Mark Wahlberg.

[24:48] Move out.

Elliott Kalan

[24:51] Logan, you're with Fred J. Dukes.

[24:55] Saber Tooth, you're with Shooter starring Mark Wahlberg.

[24:58] But, like, all the hits of bullets on the ground, or most of them, are very obvious computer effects.

[25:03] Like, they don't even have, yeah, just explosives in the grounds blowing up.

[25:07] Yeah.

[25:08] Kicking up dirt.

Dan McCoy

[25:09] For a movie that's about, like, superpowers, I had a lot of logical problems with the film.

[25:15] I mean, for instance...

[25:16] Really?

[25:17] Well, when...

[25:18] Okay.

[25:19] When they're bonding, uh...

[25:21] Well, I...

[25:22] When they're squirting him full of adamantium.

[25:24] When they're squirting him full of adamantium.

[25:26] They, for some reason, number one, they need to have an underwater, which I don't know.

[25:29] Just like the comics.

[25:29] Because it looks cool.

Stuart Wellington

[25:30] It did happen in water in the comics.

Dan McCoy

[25:32] Okay.

[25:32] But also, like, they're, like, shooting it in, like, via these, uh...

[25:36] Little needles.

[25:37] Needles that go into his skin.

[25:38] And I guess...

[25:40] Well, it's like how you...

[25:40] When you put adamantium through, uh, needles, it immediately bombs to bone.

[25:45] I don't know why.

[25:45] Like, it apparently just spreads out under his skin.

Elliott Kalan

[25:48] It's like when you plump up stuffed crust pizza.

[25:50] Like, the cheese knows where to go.

[25:52] You just leave it up to the cheese to figure out where to go.

[25:54] You trust the cheese.

[25:57] You just...

[25:57] That's the first thing they teach you is trust the cheese.

[26:00] TTC.

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] And adamantium.

[26:02] I did not know that about stuffed crust pizza technology, Elliot.

[26:05] Thank you so much.

[26:06] It's based on the force.

[26:07] Yeah.

[26:08] I guess you're right.

Dan McCoy

[26:08] I mean, adamantium automatically clings to bone.

[26:11] No, but you could say...

[26:11] In an even level.

[26:13] All over.

[26:15] So...

[26:15] Yeah, it's...

Elliott Kalan

[26:16] It's fairly dumb.

[26:18] And...

[26:18] But also, like, everyone has set powers, but they also have the ability to, like, run up

[26:22] walls and jump in the air really far, and...

[26:25] It's like...

[26:26] It's the...

[26:26] It's similar to Watchmen, where it's like, here's a real world about superheroes who don't have powers

[26:31] except they can punch a guy through a wall and jump, like, 30 feet, you know?

[26:35] And as soon as a fight starts, it's all slow motion, baby.

[26:38] Like, they...

[26:39] You have to believe that everyone in the universe, in the world of this film, can do these amazing

[26:45] feats.

[26:46] Yeah.

[26:46] But they don't have claws, you know?

Dan McCoy

[26:48] But also, and when Wolverine uses his claws on a fire escape, he doesn't just cut it up,

[26:54] it shatters like someone put liquid nitrogen all over it.

Stuart Wellington

[26:57] Because that's what's weird about it, is he does that, and then he uses his claws on human

[27:01] bodies.

[27:01] You know what?

[27:02] It doesn't cause a single drop of blood to squirt out anywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] Well, it cauterizes the wound as we realize.

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] Whoa, it's like a lightsaber?

[27:08] Yeah, exactly.

[27:09] Oh, that makes so much more sense now.

Elliott Kalan

[27:12] Now imagine how cool it would be if he had lightsabers that came out of his hands.

[27:16] Someone has...

[27:17] I bet you someone has written that story.

[27:18] It's a Wolverine-Star Wars crossover.

[27:21] Wolverine-2019.

[27:22] That sounds like my slash fic.

[27:24] It's called Luke's Sky...

[27:25] Between Wolverine and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[27:26] It's called Luke's Sky Wolverine.

[27:28] Well, they had an X-Men...

[27:31] More than one X-Men Star Trek crossovers.

[27:34] And I remember when I worked at Barnes & Noble...

[27:35] You're making that up.

[27:36] No, they've had the comic version and the novel version.

[27:38] That sounds awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[27:39] And I remember when I worked at Barnes & Noble...

[27:41] Wait a minute.

[27:41] I should have bought it.

[27:42] Is Professor X Jean-Luc Picard, like, is it the same guy?

[27:45] Or is he like, I'm two sides of the same coin?

[27:48] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[27:49] But I never read through the whole book.

[27:50] I should have bought it when I worked at Barnes & Noble.

[27:52] But I used to read through it.

[27:53] And I just remember, like, they're recording...

Stuart Wellington

[27:56] We just got a little bit of X-Men Origins Elliot over here.

[27:58] Wow.

[27:59] That he worked at Barnes & Noble.

Elliott Kalan

[28:00] Next, you'll learn the story of my glasses.

[28:02] Now we understand his power of having read books.

[28:08] You'll learn how I got the story of my shoes.

[28:11] But there's...

Dan McCoy

[28:12] Well, I went to Payless one day.

Elliott Kalan

[28:15] Payless, huh?

[28:16] DSW had a sale.

[28:18] But the...

[28:19] No, I'm not going to spend a lot of money on shoes.

[28:20] Come on.

[28:20] But the...

[28:21] I would think you'd go to Zappos, though.

[28:24] When I get my feet zapped, I'm sorry.

[28:26] I'm not going to fall for that trap.

Stuart Wellington

[28:27] I'm just shooting for Zappos gift certificates, to be honest.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] But anyway, yeah, because usually when we mention a product on the Flophouse, we get a lot of free product.

[28:36] Like free Popeyes, right?

[28:37] Oh, I wish.

[28:38] My dream one day is to be famous enough to do an ad for Popeyes and have them pay me in chicken.

[28:43] That's awesome.

[28:43] Like, I'll do this ad for...

[28:44] Like, you'll do, like, a treasure bath, but with chicken?

[28:47] I'll do this ad for free if I can walk into any Popeyes anywhere and not have to pay.

Dan McCoy

[28:52] And they'll be like, oh, Mr. Elliot, here you go.

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] Yeah.

[28:55] But anyway, let me...

Dan McCoy

[28:56] There's a reason I'm imagining, like, this horrible Twilight Zone twist, though, where, like...

Elliott Kalan

[28:59] Oh, where I die of a heart attack?

[29:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[29:01] Well, no, I was going to say, you're, like, getting hooked up to, like, this Popeyes chicken machine.

[29:05] What?

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] All the Popeyes you could eat, huh?

[29:07] Yeah.

[29:07] Now you'll have to eat Popeyes forever.

[29:09] No!

[29:10] Yeah.

[29:12] Yeah.

[29:12] But the, uh, so...

[29:13] Like a Sisyphus-type character.

[29:15] There's this novel, Star Trek X-Men.

[29:17] Never seen it.

[29:17] And it's probably called, like, Deadly Rebellion or something like that.

[29:20] But, like, uh, but the...

[29:22] There's a scene where it's, like, we're having trouble in the transporter bay.

[29:26] Some kind of angry Harry, like, Harry Runt is in here.

[29:29] And it's like, ah, said Professor X, that must be Logan.

[29:33] Like, what?

[29:34] Like, the characters have met each other before and are having another adventure.

[29:38] And there are all those moments where it's like, Nightcrawler, my old friend.

[29:41] It's good to see you again, you know?

Dan McCoy

[29:44] Yeah, well, I mean, speaking of which, like, that's the weird thing about the end of this movie.

[29:47] I mean, I guess that, like, Cyclops doesn't meet Wolverine.

[29:52] But apparently he can see through, like, the weird bandana they've put over his head because of his eye.

Elliott Kalan

[29:57] Well, no, I think what they're supposed to be saying is that...

[30:00] Well, there's a part...

[30:01] He's blindfolded.

[30:02] Right.

[30:02] Otherwise, his eye beams will shoot in too many.

Stuart Wellington

[30:04] Yeah, he's got, like, Ruby Quartz blindfolds on, right?

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] Yeah.

[30:07] And, uh, he...

Stuart Wellington

[30:08] They wove Ruby Quartz fibers.

Elliott Kalan

[30:10] Into the blindfold.

[30:11] Into the, uh, nap...

[30:13] What?

[30:13] You know, the airline sleep mask that he's wearing.

[30:16] Yeah.

[30:17] But, uh, they're leaving through the tunnels of the base, all the escaping mutants, and they're like,

[30:22] we don't know which way to go, left or right?

[30:23] And he goes...

[30:24] And he's blindfolded.

[30:25] He goes, left.

[30:26] But how can you know you can't see?

[30:28] I just know.

[30:29] And I think what they're implying is he memorized the route...

[30:32] Or maybe Professor Xavier's telling you.

[30:34] I would say Professor X.

[30:34] I thought it was that he memorized the route because he couldn't see, so he just remembered which way they turned.

[30:39] But maybe it's Professor Xavier.

[30:40] That's stupider than our assumption.

[30:41] But then how did Professor Xavier have fucking blueprints of the secret military base on Governor's Island?

[30:46] Yeah.

[30:47] Governor's Island?

[30:48] Well, which island?

[30:49] It's one of those islands, you know...

[30:50] I was it?

[30:51] Somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[30:52] He's an incredibly powerful telepath, Elliot.

[30:55] With extensive resources at his disposal.

[30:57] I guess you're right.

[30:58] Well, he does have a...

[30:59] He opens up a fucking school for troubled mutant kids.

[31:02] My point is, like...

[31:02] He does have a fighter jet, too.

[31:03] I guess my point is more that the movie, like...

[31:06] Self-momber.

Dan McCoy

[31:07] Goes through these...

[31:07] The movie goes through these weird contortions to, like, work all these other mutants in,

[31:13] but also to have none of them interact directly with Wolverine.

[31:17] Well, that's one of the...

[31:18] And for Wolverine to lose his memory, so when they all meet up later on...

[31:22] They don't remember.

[31:23] Yeah, it won't be like, you know, fucking Star Wars prequels.

[31:27] You're like, I wouldn't see 3PO.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] No, the...

[31:29] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[31:29] Yeah, expect him to run into a couple of droids.

Elliott Kalan

[31:32] Well, that's the thing, is, like, they want it to be an origin that tells a story, but

[31:36] they've got to tie it into what happened in the first X-Men movies, so, like, he can hate

[31:40] Sabretooth, but he can't kill him at the end, because Sabretooth's in X-Men.

[31:43] He can hate Striker, but they can't kill him, because he's in X-Men, too, and it's really...

[31:47] It's like...

[31:47] It reminds me when I saw...

[31:48] It was, like, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, or some nonsense, and the whole

[31:52] time I'm like, oh, man, there's just going to be some fight at the end between

[31:55] him and Voldemort, and they fought for a little bit, and Voldemort's like, ah!

[31:59] We'll all be back, Potter!

[32:00] And disappeared, and I was like, oh, that's right.

[32:02] It's like two or three more movies.

[32:04] There'll be no closure in this story.

[32:06] They just did such a bad job of making it feel like not a chapter in a longer story, which

[32:11] happened here, too.

Dan McCoy

[32:12] Speaking of Sabretooth, I was saying that I don't really understand his motivation throughout

[32:17] the film.

[32:18] You mean the actor Liev Schreiber?

Elliott Kalan

[32:20] I told you...

[32:21] I think it's because it's probably a big paying movie.

[32:24] Yeah, I told you Sabretooth's motivation.

[32:26] He's a killing machine.

[32:26] Okay, well...

[32:28] He's a man.

[32:29] Well, that's the thing.

[32:30] He seems to kill for no reason.

[32:32] He wants Stryker to give him adamantium bones.

[32:34] Why?

[32:35] Who knows?

[32:36] What?

[32:37] Makes him better at battling.

Dan McCoy

[32:38] Another logical problem I had with the film, Stryker's reason for not giving Sabretooth

[32:43] adamantium bones.

[32:44] Sabretooth, the guy who's already on Stryker's side, he's like, oh, I gotta go get Wolverine

[32:49] to put adamantium on it, even though that involves a huge conspiracy.

[32:53] He says, oh, Sabretooth, you wouldn't be able to survive it.

[32:56] Sabretooth, who has the same healing powers as Wolverine.

Stuart Wellington

[33:00] I mean, they're not exactly the same.

[33:01] I mean, I bet, like, if you pulled out their Marvel cards and there was a, like, a power

[33:06] gauge for healing powers.

[33:10] Sabretooth might be a little lower, but he's a little higher in sheer killing ability.

Dan McCoy

[33:16] In psychotic rage.

[33:18] He turns against his brother, I guess, to get adamantium bones.

[33:22] Well, they have a love-hate relationship, too.

[33:24] And then at the end, he's like, oh, no one gets to kill you but me, is the line he says,

[33:29] or something like that.

[33:31] And so they team up to fight against them.

Stuart Wellington

[33:33] Sabretooth says nothing but, like, awesome cliches the whole movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] Wolverine walks in, after he kills Wolverine's girlfriend, Wolverine walks into the bar slash

[33:41] barn that, uh, slash garage that, uh, Sabretooth goes, look what the cat dragged in.

[33:48] And it's like, come on, seriously?

S4

[33:51] Every line he has in the movie is like that, though.

[33:53] It's terrible.

[33:54] It's the weirdest reading for his script.

Dan McCoy

[33:57] A guy wrote it.

[33:58] Someone wrote that.

[33:59] Somebody wrote that.

[34:00] Somebody got paid for that.

[34:00] Someone opened their book of cliches, and they're like, that's one.

Elliott Kalan

[34:03] I'm trying to remember some of the other ones.

[34:05] It's a lot of, like, I'm surprised there wasn't a point where he went, like, didn't go, meow.

[34:09] Like, when somebody.

Stuart Wellington

[34:10] It was when, uh, when Wolverine, in the trailer, when Wolverine, like, extends his computer claws,

[34:15] he's like, ooh, shiny.

[34:17] Yeah.

[34:19] He didn't say, quite as, quite as gay.

[34:21] Quite as gay.

[34:22] Quite as Sean Hayes-y as I did.

Dan McCoy

[34:24] What is your obsession with Sean Hayes?

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] He's hilarious, Dan.

[34:28] Hilarious.

[34:29] I don't understand why the people who make Two and a Half Men don't just put him on that

[34:32] fucking show.

[34:33] Because it would be Three and a Half Men.

[34:34] Solid gold.

Dan McCoy

[34:35] Yes.

[34:35] There's like, every show should star Sean Hayes.

Stuart Wellington

[34:38] If he's the half of a man that's on that show, they take that fat kid off of there.

Elliott Kalan

[34:42] I wish it was called-

[34:43] Million dollars.

[34:44] It was about Two and a Half Men.

Stuart Wellington

[34:44] A million dollars to me is what that-

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] It was called Two and a Half Men.

[34:47] It was the same exact show, but instead of a kid, it was like a veteran who had his legs

[34:52] amputated.

[34:53] Double amputated, sure.

[34:53] Or like Jude Law's character in Gattaca, who also lost his legs.

[34:57] It's like, these two guys having zany adventures and then this really sad guy.

Stuart Wellington

[35:01] It's like, I'm gonna go sit out near the strip mall and hold my sign that says I'm a war

[35:08] vet.

[35:08] Like that sort of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[35:09] All right.

[35:10] I've got to convince these girls to sleep with me.

[35:12] All right, Charlie Sheen.

[35:13] Well, I'll be at the VFW.

Dan McCoy

[35:16] One of you will be the A plot, and one of you will be the B plot.

[35:19] And one of those plots will be depressing.

[35:21] But here's one thing that I just remembered that really bothered me.

[35:25] Okay, lay it on us.

[35:26] At the beginning, when they're in the African village, and they find the adamantium-

[35:29] Not the beginning.

Elliott Kalan

[35:30] That's like 25, 30 minutes in.

[35:32] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[35:33] Well, they find the adamantium at a few minutes in.

[35:34] Maybe it's 15 minutes in.

[35:35] And they go to the village, and they're like, where did this stone come from?

[35:38] And the guy's like, it came from the sky.

[35:40] And everyone's like, it came from the sky?

[35:42] Like, tell the fucking truth, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] Stop lying.

[35:45] And Wolverine goes, no, he's telling the truth.

[35:47] Yeah, and I was like, what?

Dan McCoy

[35:48] This is a universe where no one has ever heard of a TV or something?

[35:50] Smells like the Shi'ar Empire.

[35:53] Like, they could not believe.

[35:54] No one could believe that a stone could fall out of the sky.

Elliott Kalan

[35:57] That was dumb, but what's even dumber, and it goes along with what you were saying earlier

[36:01] about shoehorning these characters in, is the deleted scene on the DVD where Wolverine

[36:05] has a falling out with his team of mercenaries, and he says, that's it, I'm done.

[36:09] And he leaves after they kill a bunch of people in this village.

[36:12] In the deleted scene, little girl Storm, Aurora Monroe, is there and is just standing mute.

[36:18] And they just keep cutting to her looking at this.

[36:21] And you can tell it's her because she has long white hair, and because it starts raining

[36:25] behind her, because she controls the weather.

[36:28] And they cut that out of the movie, but it's on the deleted scenes, and it shows this philosophy

[36:32] of like, we've got to put in all these little hints to the real fans.

Dan McCoy

[36:36] It's what's called Destiny.

[36:37] That they just feel really...

[36:38] It's what's called Destiny, Elliot.

[36:40] It's like they do...

[36:41] It was all preordained.

[36:41] They would all work together.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] They do a lot of comics now that take place in the past where it's like, it'll be like

[36:46] Nick Fury having an adventure in World War II, and he'll bump into Wolverine, and then

[36:51] years later they won't remember.

[36:52] It's like, oh, thanks for driving me over to this part of the battlefield.

[36:56] What's your name?

[36:56] Logan.

[36:57] Well, nice to meet you, Logan.

[36:58] You're a tough little guy.

[36:59] Hope we'll meet again sometime.

[37:01] Wink, readers!

[37:02] You can heal anything.

[37:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:05] Oh, God.

[37:06] You seem the best at what you do, and that's driving.

[37:09] See you later, Bob!

Elliott Kalan

[37:10] I hope someday to do something more important.

Dan McCoy

[37:12] Thanks!

[37:13] I hope to do something less nice in the future.

Stuart Wellington

[37:15] I hope to kill a shitload of Skrulls with you.

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] Peace out!

[37:20] It was a, this is, and a lot of spinning.

[37:23] Everybody spins in the action scenes.

[37:25] A lot of spinning, a lot of sorting.

Stuart Wellington

[37:28] There's tons of CGI backdrops.

[37:30] Like, it's all, I think the whole movie was shot on blue screen.

Dan McCoy

[37:34] A lot of people screaming, like, screaming no to the heavens.

[37:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:37] I was actually expecting more of that.

[37:39] I'm a little disappointed.

[37:40] The trailers led me to believe that was like 70% of the movie.

[37:45] It was just Hugh Jackman flexing and showing off his veins.

Elliott Kalan

[37:48] There was a lot of him showing off his veins.

Stuart Wellington

[37:50] Shaber tooth!

[37:52] Yeah, as soon as, as soon as a fight's about to get started, he's like, hmm, shirt's coming

[37:56] off.

[37:56] Just gotta wear a white.

[37:57] Yeah, that's right.

S4

[37:58] There was a scene where he was running outside with a coat and suddenly came back.

[38:02] All of a sudden it's like, time to show off my Italian t-shirt.

Dan McCoy

[38:06] Oh yeah.

[38:06] And by the way, ladies, ladies and gay men, partial nudity.

[38:12] We were, we were, we were promised partial nudity at the beginning of the DVD when we saw the

[38:16] rating.

[38:17] There was an, there was an introduction.

Elliott Kalan

[38:18] Hugh Jackman walks down and he goes, thanks for renting this DVD of X-Men Orgers Wolverine.

[38:23] Just so you know, there's some partial nudity in the film.

[38:25] What's it all about, Alfie?

[38:27] People ask me all the time.

[38:29] Good night, you princess of Maine.

[38:32] And it was Hugh Jackman.

[38:32] I cannot do an Australian accent.

Dan McCoy

[38:35] It was Hugh Jackman leaping out of the water, going into Berserker Rage and, you know, diving

[38:41] into a waterfall.

[38:42] A waterfall.

[38:43] But, you know, a little Jackman ass, ladies, ladies.

Stuart Wellington

[38:48] Yeah, if you're, if you're a Jack fan.

Elliott Kalan

[38:50] I wish that he had, I wish that while running, like, with, with no pants on, it just flashed

[38:56] on the screen, something for your girlfriends.

[38:59] A little something.

[39:00] Like, you know, you dragged you to the, you dragged them to the theater.

[39:02] Like, here's something for them.

[39:04] Now back to more people being killed as soon as they're introduced.

[39:08] Yeah.

[39:09] There is kind of a funny scene where he gets picked up by this old man and woman who are

[39:12] basically Ma and Pa Kent, or Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, like any old people who take care

[39:17] of the hero.

[39:18] Hero.

[39:19] Hero.

[39:20] And he gets to their house and he's using the bathroom and his claws come out for the

[39:23] first time.

[39:24] And he doesn't know what to do.

[39:25] He's cutting up the radiator and the sink.

[39:27] And there was something very Teen Wolf about it.

Dan McCoy

[39:29] Yeah.

[39:30] And it's weird.

[39:31] Like a puberty scene.

[39:31] What's weird is that.

[39:32] And then the elderly, kindly old man and woman were immediately shot by snipers.

[39:37] Yeah.

[39:38] The weird thing about it though is like.

Stuart Wellington

[39:40] He doesn't even get to stay with them for a week.

[39:42] But he had, I mean, he had, he had like claws.

[39:46] Like ever since he was like, he had claws for over a hundred years.

Dan McCoy

[39:50] Wait a minute.

[39:51] What?

[39:51] They were pointy, but they weren't like.

[39:53] They weren't razor sharp.

[39:54] Well, he did use them to kill people.

[39:55] So wait a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[39:55] How did being squirted full of adamantium turn his like sausagey little bone claws into

[40:01] like little razors?

[40:03] Yeah.

[40:03] Like super sharp razors.

[40:05] Yeah, no.

[40:05] That's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[40:06] It seems like there should have been a forge, like a, someone, a forge, like some sort of

[40:10] Wait, the character forge?

[40:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:12] The shaman inventor?

[40:16] That's who he is.

[40:16] It's always working on the blackbird?

Dan McCoy

[40:18] Yeah.

[40:18] You think that character should have been around to fix it?

[40:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:23] Okay.

[40:23] That would have made more sense.

Dan McCoy

[40:25] Somebody like, there should have been some fucking, like we should have seen striker with

[40:28] like a knife sharpener.

[40:31] Like, all right.

[40:32] Well, now that we've done the basic lay down of the adamantium, we're going to do a little

[40:37] finesse on this.

[40:38] You just stand there.

[40:39] We've got to grind this down.

[40:40] Put a little English on it.

[40:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:41] Put a little English on it.

[40:42] So, we've all seen the X-Men movies, right?

[40:45] Yep.

[40:45] Right, fellas?

[40:46] I don't know about you guys, a little tired about this striker bad guy, saber tooth bad

[40:51] guy.

[40:51] Kind of done with them.

[40:52] Why didn't they introduce more bad guys?

[40:54] Yeah, yeah.

[40:54] I mean, I guess this Deadpool fella.

[40:56] They kind of did.

[40:56] Sure, this Deadpool gentleman.

S4

[40:58] They did a bad job of introducing people and kind of showing their half powers.

[41:03] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[41:04] Well, that's the thing.

[41:04] It's kind of, there seems to be this rule that in superhero movies nowadays where when

[41:10] you introduce a villain in one movie, he has to show up in the next one and maybe you'll

[41:15] throw in some other guys too.

[41:16] Like, the Spider-Man movie is not quite as much, although the Osborns are in every fucking

[41:21] one.

[41:22] But like, Magneto's in the first one.

[41:24] Okay.

[41:25] We've got to have Magneto with some more villains in the second one.

[41:28] Third one, got to bring back Magneto, but we'll give him a bigger army of like random

[41:32] mutants that just show up in the backgrounds.

Dan McCoy

[41:34] That really pissed me off.

[41:35] I'm like, the Hellfire Club.

[41:37] Come on, let's get to...

Elliott Kalan

[41:39] The Hellfire Club, Apocalypse.

[41:40] Like, you got all sorts of great...

[41:41] Sentinels.

[41:42] Mr. Sinister.

[41:43] All sorts of weirdo villains you could put in there.

[41:45] The Brood.

[41:47] The Brood.

[41:48] The Imperial Guard.

[41:49] The guy in the wheelchair.

[41:50] The Starjammers.

[41:51] Sure.

[41:52] Mojo.

[41:53] Mojo and Mojo 2, the sequel.

[41:55] Just have them sucked into the Mojoverse.

[41:57] Come on, let's just do it.

[41:58] Spiral.

[41:58] And then you could have the ex-babies.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Yeah.

[42:00] Darth Vader, the Gremlins.

Stuart Wellington

[42:03] Yep.

[42:03] Mr. Potter.

[42:06] Maybe have them sucked into Asgard and they have to fight Loki.

[42:08] Ivan Drago.

[42:09] Uh-huh.

[42:10] Darth...

[42:11] Wait, did you already say Darth Vader?

[42:12] He did.

[42:13] He said Darth Vader.

[42:13] What about Dark Helmet?

[42:14] Dark Helmet.

[42:15] Dark Helmet.

[42:17] Sure.

[42:17] Dark.

[42:18] That's a crossover that's just waiting to be tacked.

[42:21] What's his name from Temple of Doom?

[42:23] The comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[42:23] Mo'eram.

[42:24] Mo'eram.

[42:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:26] Yeah, man.

[42:27] Why not?

Elliott Kalan

[42:28] Jesus.

[42:29] Charles Foster Kane.

[42:31] Sam Spade.

[42:33] Jake Giddies.

[42:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:34] The Fat Man.

[42:35] Gutman.

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] The Fat Man.

[42:36] Yeah, The Fat Man.

[42:37] The Gunsull.

[42:40] Joel Cairo.

[42:41] Scarlett O'Hara.

[42:44] Glenda, the Good Witch of the North.

[42:47] Baby Jane.

[42:48] Tor Johnson.

[42:49] Now we're just naming things.

[42:51] Fletch.

[42:53] The Gopher from Caddyshack.

[42:55] Fletch lives.

Stuart Wellington

[42:56] Fletch lives.

[42:57] Fletch again.

[42:58] Wait, the Gopher from Caddyshack I think would be on Wolverine's side, to be honest.

[43:02] They'd fight first, though.

[43:04] Yeah.

[43:04] When they first met up.

[43:05] They'd have a fight, and Wolverine's like, wow, I want to catch you.

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] Well, Bill Murray's kind of the Wolverine of that movie.

[43:11] It's true.

[43:12] Yeah.

[43:13] Most movies and TV shows have their Wolverine.

[43:16] Stuart, when I first started watching The Wire, one of the things that stuck with me was

[43:19] when you described Omar as being The Wire's Wolverine.

[43:22] It's true.

[43:22] They all have that kind of character.

[43:24] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[43:25] Well, like Jim Belushi, he's never a Wolverine.

[43:29] No.

Elliott Kalan

[43:30] But John Belushi in Animal House is totally the Wolverine.

[43:33] He's the Wolverine.

Dan McCoy

[43:35] Well, we've been running a while.

[43:37] We need to really speed through our final judgments on this.

[43:40] Final judgments.

[43:41] And to reiterate, the categories are, is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie

[43:48] that you actually kind of liked in some way?

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] You don't have special Wolverine ones for this?

[43:51] Oh, God.

[43:52] It's going to be a special category every time.

[43:54] Is it the best it is at what it does?

[43:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:57] Is what it does not very nice?

Elliott Kalan

[44:00] Or is it mutantly mediocre?

[44:04] Sure.

[44:05] Elliot, what do you have to say?

[44:07] I would have to say what it does isn't very nice because it's very boring.

[44:11] And I like, this is a movie that I knew wasn't going to be good, but I'm still kind of looking

[44:15] forward to it because as a comic book fan, there's the part of you that wants to see what they

[44:19] do with the characters to change them.

[44:21] And what they did was just not interesting or appealing.

[44:24] Yeah.

[44:26] Dash?

S4

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:27] There's nothing worthwhile in this movie at all.

[44:31] Even seeing how bad the special effects are or how weird some of the stuff is, it's just

[44:36] a bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[44:38] Yeah.

[44:39] If I was not watching it with you gentlemen, I think I would have taken Dash's lead and

[44:45] fallen asleep.

[44:46] Yeah.

[44:47] So I'm going to agree.

Elliott Kalan

[44:48] For a movie where someone uses the claws that come out of his hands to rip up a helicopter,

[44:53] it is really boring.

[44:55] Yeah.

[44:55] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[44:57] Wait, which one is really bad?

[44:59] Which is the...

[45:00] What he does isn't very nice.

[45:01] Yeah, I don't like...

[45:02] This wasn't a very good movie.

[45:03] It was really...

[45:04] The thing is, it was just really boring.

[45:06] Yeah.

[45:06] Like, that was the saddest thing about it.

[45:08] It was like...

[45:09] I mean, yeah, hey...

[45:10] There's a lot of plot in this movie.

[45:12] We're having some yucks right now.

[45:13] But you know what?

[45:14] During the movie, it was Snoresville.

[45:16] It was.

[45:17] We took our most last ticket to Snoresville.

[45:18] Yeah.

[45:19] I spent most of the time writing texts and stuff and writing emails.

[45:24] You do that even when you like the movies.

[45:25] Yeah, that's true.

[45:26] And like looking at internet pornography on my iPhone.

[45:29] Whoa.

[45:30] While we were in the room?

[45:32] Yeah, I wasn't like masturbating.

[45:33] Okay.

[45:34] But I was getting ready to.

Dan McCoy

[45:36] Sure.

[45:37] If the movie kept on going.

[45:39] Yeah, I mean, it's a slow build.

Stuart Wellington

[45:41] Like...

[45:41] Sure.

[45:42] I'm not ready to go at the drop of a hat.

[45:45] You know, I gotta work it up.

Dan McCoy

[45:46] You guys still don't romance you a little.

Stuart Wellington

[45:47] Yeah, I gotta be a romance with my internet pornography.

[45:49] Sure.

[45:51] So...

[45:51] Great movie.

[45:52] So what were we talking about, Wolverine?

Dan McCoy

[45:54] What we're talking about is...

[45:55] Recommendations.

Stuart Wellington

[45:56] Dan.

[45:57] Recommendations.

[45:58] This is where you recommend a movie that you actually liked as opposed to this shithole.

[46:03] Dan.

[46:04] Wow.

[46:05] The spotlight's on you, McCoy.

[46:06] Really accusatory.

[46:07] Drop it on us.

Dan McCoy

[46:09] I saw...

[46:10] Your move.

[46:11] I saw The Brothers Bloom, which I...

[46:14] Oh, yeah.

[46:15] Oh, I liked that movie.

[46:16] Yeah, I liked it a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[46:17] I haven't seen it.

Dan McCoy

[46:17] I was just making a face.

[46:19] Okay.

[46:19] You know, I thought that maybe I wouldn't like it because it got a lot of mixed reviews.

[46:23] But I liked Rick.

[46:25] And the thing about movies like that, like, there's, like, good whimsy and bad whimsy.

[46:30] And I know that, like...

Elliott Kalan

[46:31] And there's the last mimsy.

[46:33] Exactly.

[46:34] And people...

[46:35] You've been waiting.

[46:36] You've been saving that fucking joke.

[46:38] You've been waiting for someone to say whimsy twice.

[46:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:42] And people disagree on, like, what's good and what's bad.

[46:46] Like, people have different tolerances for different things.

[46:48] Like, I, for instance...

[46:50] I know a lot of people don't, but I, for instance, like Wes Anderson movies.

[46:54] But I do not, like, say, Amelie.

[46:58] Like, I watch Amelie and I'm like, well, this is visually stunning.

[47:01] But this woman is crazy and she's making life difficult for herself and everyone around her.

[47:05] Too foreign.

[47:08] I don't go to the movies to read.

[47:10] I would have watched Emily.

[47:11] Yeah.

[47:12] The English language version.

[47:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:15] But, yeah, I like...

[47:17] I thought I saw Brothers Bloom.

[47:18] In the theaters.

[47:19] And I thought the opening where it all rhymes was a little too twee.

[47:22] Yeah, I didn't like that.

[47:23] But after that, I enjoyed it a lot.

Dan McCoy

[47:24] Well, and the thing is, like, it has a thematic reason.

[47:27] I mean, it's a movie about, like, sort of constructing stories.

[47:29] So, for it to have, like, this storybook quality makes sense.

[47:34] It doesn't just feel like affectation.

Elliott Kalan

[47:36] And you see Rachel Weisz's butt.

[47:38] Yeah.

[47:38] I like that.

Dan McCoy

[47:39] Which only happens in 90% of the movies of Rachel Weisz.

Elliott Kalan

[47:42] I just saw The Constant Gardener recently for the first time and I was like, there's a lot of Rachel Weisz with no clothes on in this.

Dan McCoy

[47:48] Beautiful, beautiful butt in that movie.

[47:49] But, um, anyway.

[47:51] Hey, whoo.

Elliott Kalan

[47:52] Ralph.

Dan McCoy

[47:53] Ralph.

[47:54] Ralph.

[47:55] Ralph.

[47:55] Ralph Finney's.

[47:56] Yeah.

[47:57] Ralph Finney's butt in the film.

Elliott Kalan

[47:58] It shows.

[47:59] It shows.

[48:00] I don't know why it's so indelibly connected.

[48:02] But whenever I hear the name Ralph, I assume Machio is going to follow it.

[48:05] And I have not thought about him probably in eight years outside of, like, hearing people say the word Ralph.

S4

[48:11] I always just fill it in with the word king right before.

[48:14] That's why I assume I just heard.

[48:16] Sure, King Ralph.

[48:17] That's going to happen sometime, guys.

Dan McCoy

[48:19] Like, all of the royal family is going to get together for a photograph.

[48:23] For one photo.

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] And Ralph Machio is going to have to step in and rule a country.

[48:27] It's called Karate King.

[48:30] You just sold your picture.

Elliott Kalan

[48:32] That would be so great.

[48:34] The new, they just installed the Cobra Kaiser of Germany.

[48:41] And it's, instead of World War III, they have a karate competition.

[48:49] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[48:50] Oh, man.

[48:51] It's like Prime Minister Miyagi.

[48:54] It's like the grain conjunction of stupid Elliot jokes tonight.

[48:58] I don't know what's going on.

[48:59] Yeah, Prime Minister Miyagi.

Elliott Kalan

[49:00] Well, the planets are aligned.

Dan McCoy

[49:02] So does anyone want to jump in with their recommendation?

Elliott Kalan

[49:05] I saw a movie from the 30s I enjoyed.

[49:07] What a surprise.

[49:09] It's called Dante's Inferno, starring Spencer Tracy, which has its slow parts, but it is

[49:15] basically about a man who is...

[49:19] It's about a volcano.

[49:20] No, no.

[49:21] It's about...

[49:22] This guy is a kind of...

[49:23] Star James Bond.

[49:24] An amoral, greedy guy who works his way up from being the stoker in a ship's boiler room

[49:30] to running this carnival concession called Dante's Inferno that's like...

[49:35] It's supposed to have a moral message, but it's basically a haunted house based on Dante's work.

[49:40] And Spencer Tracy, you know, hurts people on his way to the top and then he has to pay for it later.

[49:46] But there's some neat scenes, especially one...

[49:48] There's about a 10 minute sequence in the middle that's the best known part of the film where it's basically a wordless, just kind of fantasia of going through the inferno as described by Dante.

[50:01] And these very beautifully done black and white scenes with pretty good special effects and fire and people wailing in torment turning into trees and things like that.

[50:11] It's a very neat scene.

[50:13] So it's worth looking up that movie for that scene alone.

[50:15] But the whole movie is kind of fun in an overly melodramatic way.

Dan McCoy

[50:20] All right.

[50:20] Stuart, what do you got?

Stuart Wellington

[50:22] I'm going to recommend a New Zealand film called Once Were Warriors about Maori people in New Zealand.

[50:31] And it's kind of sad and pretty depressing.

[50:36] And it's about a family just kind of falling apart.

[50:39] And it features a lot of kind of difficult scenes and a lot of difficult moments.

[50:44] And it has some moments of revenge that feel so incredibly hollow that you don't really enjoy them at all.

[50:53] So, yeah.

[50:54] Once Were Warriors if you want to feel kind of depressed.

Dan McCoy

[50:56] Okay.

[50:58] And Dash, do you have anything to do with that?

[50:59] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[51:00] And real quick.

[51:01] It stars the dude who played Jango Fett in the Star Wars prequels.

Elliott Kalan

[51:06] Okay.

[51:06] Now I'm sold.

[51:07] Everyone's favorite actor.

[51:09] Everyone's favorite Fett, Jango.

S4

[51:13] Yeah.

[51:13] I just moved and I found a DVD that I had been missing for a long time called...

[51:19] It has two titles.

[51:20] It's either Spooky Encounters or Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind.

[51:24] I like it.

[51:25] It stars Chao Yun-Fat.

[51:26] Okay.

[51:26] From the 70s.

[51:27] It's just an awesome, goofy kung fu movie with ghosts.

[51:31] If you can find it, check it out.

[51:33] Hmm.

[51:33] That's pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] Based on the title, I think of it.

S4

[51:36] Yeah.

[51:36] It's really funny and there's some sweet, sweet kung fu in it.

[51:41] Wait, it's spooky though, right?

[51:43] Oh, definitely.

Dan McCoy

[51:43] Kung fu and ghosts.

[51:45] That sounds good.

Elliott Kalan

[51:47] Yeah.

[51:47] Kung fu ghost.

[51:48] Karate Kid Part 5.

[51:50] You sold your second pitch.

[51:51] I was selling so many screenplays.

[51:52] I knew so much better than Ziggy did.

[51:55] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[51:56] So, guys.

[51:57] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[51:58] We did it.

[51:58] I feel like we should have Saturday Night Live type music that plays now.

[52:01] Where we like hug each other and tell like...

[52:03] Sure.

[52:03] It's really an experience.

Stuart Wellington

[52:04] That's why they call it the blues.

[52:08] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[52:08] We're going to have to pay Elton John so much money for the...

[52:12] Oh, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[52:13] Sorry.

[52:13] It's like the music I imagine they play though.

[52:15] Yeah.

[52:16] Well, no.

Elliott Kalan

[52:16] They play that...

[52:17] Dun-dun.

[52:18] Dun-dun.

[52:19] Dun-dun.

[52:20] Dun-dun.

[52:20] Well, we had a great show tonight.

[52:21] I'm James Franco.

Dan McCoy

[52:22] We're going to pay G.E. Smith so much money.

Elliott Kalan

[52:26] Well, we'll use some public domain music.

[52:28] Happy birthday to you.

[52:29] All right.

[52:30] That's not public domain.

[52:30] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[52:32] So, we're what?

[52:33] This is 51.

[52:34] This is 51, right?

[52:35] This is 51.

[52:36] Ooh.

[52:36] Six away from Heinz.

[52:37] Man.

[52:38] We're officially deep into middle age now.

[52:41] I'm deep into middle age.

Elliott Kalan

[52:42] Well, I mean, you kind of are.

Dan McCoy

[52:44] Oh, God.

[52:45] All right.

[52:45] Well, I'd like to thank Dash, our contest winner, for coming.

[52:49] Thanks for having me, guys.

[52:51] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[52:52] Out to here.

[52:53] Hope you enjoyed the Flophouse...

[52:54] The Flopsperience.

[52:55] Oh, it was a ton of Flophouse.

[52:56] The Popeyes and...

[52:57] Welcome to the Flophouse, Dash.

[52:59] Hope you survive.

Dan McCoy

[53:02] That's an old X-Men thing.

[53:03] And, uh, yeah.

[53:05] I guess we should sign off.

[53:06] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[53:08] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[53:09] I will always be Elliot Kalin.

[53:12] Thanks for having me.

[53:12] I'm Dash.

[53:13] Good night, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[53:19] Do you think female porn stars ever wear Merkins?

[53:21] No, no.

[53:22] Do you think they ever wear Merkins when they have sex with non-porn stars to, like, disguise

[53:25] their identity?

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] I don't understand why they would want to do that.

Stuart Wellington

[53:29] You know, like, how, like, a famous person might wear a mustache.

[53:33] Dude, did you wipe down your hair when you're in the bathroom?

[53:36] Yeah, I was a little hot.

[53:38] Yeah.

[53:38] Um, and I'm nervous.

[53:40] I thought you were...

[53:40] This is a big podcast.

[53:41] This is Wolverine Origins.

[53:43] I thought you didn't like your boy haircut that you had.

[53:44] I don't particularly.

Dan McCoy

[53:45] Oh, it's adorable.

[53:46] Oh, I like your haircut.

Stuart Wellington

[53:47] But the girls like it.

[53:49] So, what am I gonna do?

[53:51] Try and keep it real?

[53:54] I don't think so.

[53:55] I'm not sure in this context, yeah.

[53:57] That phrase doesn't mean anything.

Elliott Kalan

[53:58] If this was the movie Clueless, it would mean shaving your head.

[54:01] But that's...

[54:01] Yeah.

[54:02] Wait, really?

[54:03] Well, because he's shaving his head and his explanation is because he's keeping it real.

[54:05] Oh, yeah!

[54:06] The guy from the Scrubs show.

[54:07] Yeah, yeah, Scrubsy.

[54:08] The funny guy.

[54:09] Yeah.

[54:10] They call him...

[54:10] Faison Stun.

[54:11] That's his name.

Stuart Wellington

[54:12] Why do they call him that?

[54:13] Nope.

[54:13] Stacey Dash is in that.

The Flop House: Episode #51 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine

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