The Flop House: Episode #51 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine

[0:00] We are the best at what we do and what we do is watch X-Men Origins wolverine with our contest winner

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. My name is Elliot Kalin and that is who I am. I'm Dash Coombs. That's right our contest winner Dash is here with us. Welcome Dash. In my apartment. It's great to be here. I don't know what that was. I overcame my fear that he was a crazy person who wanted to wear us as skin suits. You were really nervous. Yeah you talked about that a lot. I think you kind of wanted it after a while.

[1:00] I'm inviting someone into my home. You guys aren't. This isn't your home. I mean I think you're underestimating Elliot's like physical prowess. Well I go into what's called a berserker rage. Yeah. In which I just see red when I wake up. There's bodies everywhere. Yeah. It's almost like you awaken a manimal inside of you. Yeah the other side. Sure. The other within. Yeah that makes sense. It's almost like I'm more beast than man at times. Really no shit. Yeah. I don't know how. Can you smell better than a normal person? Oh yeah. Heightened smell, hearing, sight,

[1:30] touch, taste, balance, and sense of style. I have no idea how I'm going to segway into the movie we're watching tonight. There's absolutely no. I'm just going to say. They probably know what movie it is. It's written on the internet. Okay fine. We watch X-Men Origins. Wolverine. Yeah. That's which X-Men Origins. So Elliot. It's

[2:01] because you're executing the program file. Wolverine.

[2:05] Golden Blackback slash Wolverine.exe.

[2:11] Elliot you were known to America as the man who explained Adamantium to Jon Stewart.

[2:16] Oh I forgot about that. So clearly this must be your favorite movie.

[2:19] Yeah this is. I forgot about this television appearance.

[2:23] This is my favorite movie for that reason.

[2:27] I will tell you that my explanation of what Adamantium was, which is literally just saying the name of it, felt more accurate to the character Wolverine than this film.

[2:35] Yeah. How so?

[2:38] It seems like they've taken some, not liberties is the wrong word. It feels like they've condensed about 20 years of Wolverine stories into an hour and 45 minute film and then added in a couple dashes of made up bullshit.

[2:50] Do we have to point out that we've all read a shit load of Wolverine comic books?

[2:56] I think you just did point it out.

[2:58] I think that's important to know.

[2:59] You fell into their trap.

[3:00] Yeah so the readers, the listeners at home, we were all very familiar with this character before we saw the movie.

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:07] We didn't pick him up from the X-Men movies or from his late night talk show.

[3:11] I for one was disappointed that this was not an adaptation of the limited series Kitty Pryde and Wolverine.

[3:16] Oh you were the only one.

[3:18] Yeah.

[3:21] Dash you actually saw a part of this movie before you said and you fell asleep in it.

[3:25] I did yeah.

[3:26] Which part?

[3:27] Which part did I fall asleep in?

[3:28] Yeah.

[3:29] Which part did I see? I fell asleep about 20 minutes in, in a theater.

[3:33] Whoa.

[3:35] I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that this is a theater that's a converted sauna.

[3:41] It's just so muggy.

[3:42] Well I got to see it for free so I didn't feel as bad about it.

[3:44] There was a carbon monoxide leak and we fixed it midway through.

[3:49] You're wearing a Captain America shirt so we have to assume that you had a certain level of excitement to see this movie.

[3:55] A certain.

[3:56] A certain level.

[3:57] I mean it's not like it was a Captain America movie.

[3:59] Oh no of course not.

[4:00] And the funny thing is like we all like comics guys and yet we waited this long to see this fucking movie.

[4:05] The other night I was out with two girls.

[4:07] At the same time Stuart?

[4:09] At the same time fellows and I'm not going to go into too much because I'm a gentleman.

[4:15] But I do want to point out that at some point the movie Wolverine, you know X-Men Origins or whatever it was called that we watched.

[4:23] The subject came up and I was the only one of the three who hadn't seen it yet.

[4:28] Wow.

[4:29] Well.

[4:30] So.

[4:31] Two ladies.

[4:32] Yeah.

[4:33] Ladies like Wolverine.

[4:34] We all know that ladies like Wolverine.

[4:35] I think it's because of that Australian film.

[4:36] Cool W.

[4:37] Let's just spread stereotypes about women.

[4:39] They don't read comics.

[4:40] So.

[4:41] Well in my experience they don't that much.

[4:43] Okay.

[4:44] Non-comic book reading women were out with me.

[4:46] We have to assume that their boyfriends dragged them to see it.

[4:48] Because I generally don't go out with comic book reading women.

[4:50] Whoa, whoa.

[4:51] Wow.

[4:52] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[4:53] I have to assume you're insulting a large contingent of our audience.

[4:56] I'm insulting myself.

[4:57] Okay.

[4:58] Because I judge women not based on their reading preferences.

[5:02] On the content of the character.

[5:03] Yeah I don't.

[5:04] The content of their.

[5:06] What?

[5:07] Bra size I imagine.

[5:08] Huh, what?

[5:09] Is what you judge them by.

[5:10] I think I should slap you Elliot for that.

[5:13] But no.

[5:15] We're all familiar with this character of Wolverine.

[5:18] Yeah.

[5:19] Logan as he's called.

[5:20] He's a roguish fellow.

[5:21] Patch.

[5:22] Patch is sometimes alias.

[5:23] Went in Madripoor.

[5:25] That country doesn't exist right?

[5:27] No it's not real.

[5:28] Yeah.

[5:29] Okay.

[5:30] It isn't just like an old timey like risk name of a country?

[5:32] It's a Chris Claremont fantasy country.

[5:35] Okay.

[5:36] Yeah Wolverine.

[5:37] It's like a hyper advanced ninja populated country right?

[5:40] Well no it's not hyper advanced.

[5:42] It's like a sleepy 30's backwater.

[5:44] Okay.

[5:45] Oh okay.

[5:46] You were going down like a hole of very specific comic references that don't have to do.

[5:51] Okay.

[5:52] We didn't talk about like Lila Chaney or anything like that.

[5:53] Okay.

[5:54] Yeah and we weren't talking about.

[5:55] She's the transdimensional rock star from the X-Men comics.

[5:57] Okay.

[5:58] Okay.

[5:59] But Wolverine.

[6:00] But Wolverine origins.

[6:01] We all know him and love him.

[6:03] Or X-Men origins Wolverine.

[6:04] The adamantium skeleton clad B-clawed healing factor mutant with the crazy hair, the cigar

[6:15] and a penchant for calling people bub.

[6:18] And he's by far for years has been the most popular X-Men character.

[6:23] Sure.

[6:24] In the movies as played by Hugh Jackman who's very much the breakout character.

[6:27] He's a really charismatic character for a number of reasons.

[6:31] And all that was sucked out.

[6:32] Pretty much.

[6:33] Eliminated in this telling.

[6:35] They're like people love Wolverine so much.

[6:37] If we give them a whole movie devoted to Wolverine they will just go crazy in the theater.

[6:41] They will rip up the seats and start to give them the most dispirited version.

[6:47] They'll buy four tickets for each person.

[6:49] It'll destroy the economy.

[6:51] We can't do it.

[6:53] Wait did that happen?

[6:54] Yes.

[6:55] That's what caused it.

[6:57] Okay.

[6:59] But the problem is that Wolverine is like.

[7:01] Has destroyed Dubai.

[7:03] He's a loner and a rebel and goes into rages.

[7:07] So he does.

[7:08] Like Kiwi Herman.

[7:09] Exactly yeah.

[7:10] Dottie.

[7:12] So he in the X-Men comics he is the rogue element.

[7:16] He's a good guy but he has trouble towing the line.

[7:18] I thought rogue was a character in the X-Men.

[7:19] I'm using the word rogue not the character rogue.

[7:21] Okay.

[7:22] He has trouble towing the line.

[7:23] In the X-Men movies he's that way.

[7:25] A lot of times in the comics they pair him with a young girl or an idealistic character.

[7:30] So that he can play off of that.

[7:32] So that she can be the kind of naive good hearted person.

[7:35] And he can kind of have trouble staying completely moral.

[7:39] He's your classic anti-hero.

[7:41] Exactly.

[7:42] Except in this movie they didn't go that way.

[7:44] And instead had to make him the nicest of a group of jerks.

[7:47] That's true.

[7:49] Yeah a boring group of jerks.

[7:51] Very boring.

[7:52] If you ever wanted to see.

[7:53] It's like they flipped through X-Men comics.

[7:55] And they were just like.

[7:57] They were like too interesting.

[7:59] This character is too interesting.

[8:00] This character is too interesting.

[8:02] Okay we'll pick the fat guy.

[8:03] And the guy who.

[8:06] Well there's no one here who fits the descriptions we need.

[8:08] So we'll just make up a guy who can teleport.

[8:11] And is played by Will.I.Am.

[8:12] And we'll have a guy who controls light bulbs.

[8:14] I like when they show off this team like this team does a mission.

[8:17] They make sure to let each guy do something completely by themselves for a while.

[8:21] To show off their talent.

[8:22] And they're like okay tag in it's your turn.

[8:24] Which seems completely unnecessary.

[8:26] Why don't they just send one guy to do everything.

[8:28] Yeah.

[8:29] Or work as a team in tandem rather than like individually.

[8:32] That's the thing they're all bad guys.

[8:34] It was either that or some kind of danger room session scene.

[8:37] Where they like each show off their power.

[8:39] Yeah.

[8:40] That seems kind of like a staple of these kinds of movies.

[8:42] It's like there's.

[8:43] Evan Dorkin once told me about a.

[8:45] Oh God.

[8:47] Fucking name dropping.

[8:50] I met him too.

[8:51] I mean I met him through you at your live talk show.

[8:55] But still.

[8:56] That was a long time ago.

[8:57] That there's always the character who has to rush up to a monster for no reason.

[9:02] So that the monster can show you what his power is.

[9:05] So it's like if there's a monster with like acid hands.

[9:08] Then the guy instead of like running away has to be like what.

[9:11] And rush up at the acid hands monster so it can touch him and burn his face off.

[9:15] That guy's hands are totally weak.

[9:17] Oh no.

[9:19] I'll hit him in his most vulnerable point.

[9:21] His hands.

[9:22] I got this guys.

[9:24] His hands.

[9:25] So powerful and acidic.

[9:27] So they have this scene where everyone uses their power to.

[9:30] Like one at a time so you can see what their powers are.

[9:32] But like one guy's just really good at shooting guns.

[9:35] Another guy is just a tough guy.

[9:37] Another guy controls machines.

[9:38] So like they're in an elevator.

[9:39] And the guy they're up against stops the elevator.

[9:42] And this guy uses mutant powers to restart the elevator.

[9:45] It's really the most boring possible powers.

[9:48] At least one other character proves that he can climb up walls.

[9:52] At least one.

[9:54] All the characters also can do like crouching tiger wire food type stuff.

[9:58] Yeah.

[9:59] By the way guys I'm still stuck on how.

[10:00] to feed acid hands, and I'm betting it's baking soda.

[10:03] But, sure, anyway, we need to give...

[10:05] Baking soda gloves.

[10:07] It's tricking him to touch another part of his body with his acid hands.

[10:12] Feather in the nose.

[10:13] It's the old Medusa technique.

[10:16] But, Elliot, we should give him a Medusa configuration.

[10:20] That's a good title for your spy novel.

[10:24] The Medusa Configuration, a Stuart Wellington adventure.

[10:28] Elliot, we should both give the audience, the confused audience, a break, and give Dash

[10:34] the full Flop House experience.

[10:36] He's already had Popeye's.

[10:37] He's already had some beer with Stuart.

[10:41] And me.

[10:42] Did he ever.

[10:43] You drank beer?

[10:44] Yeah.

[10:45] I thought that was apple juice.

[10:46] I thought that was frothy apple juice.

[10:49] You just drank Chardonnay.

[10:51] But we should give him the full experience by having you explain the plot to this film.

[10:55] Sure.

[10:56] And also to our audience.

[10:57] Okay.

[10:58] This is Canada in the year 1845.

[11:01] This is not a joke.

[11:03] And there's a young boy named James Logan, I guess.

[11:07] Wolverine.

[11:08] James Wolveramington.

[11:11] Within minutes, this sickly boy, we see him watch his father get murdered, then he kills

[11:16] the man who murdered his father, finds out the man who murdered his father is his actual

[11:20] father.

[11:21] Which, by the way, does not play into the film.

[11:22] No.

[11:23] Never.

[11:24] And then he finds he has bone claws that come out of the backs of his hands.

[11:27] The son of the man he just found his father, Victor Creed, has like claw fingernails.

[11:35] And he says, we're brothers.

[11:36] We got to work together and protect each other.

[11:38] Cut to the title, opening titles, which shows them fighting through the next hundred years

[11:43] of wars.

[11:44] It's like a title sequence to Watchmen, except for only focused on wars.

[11:48] And not very good.

[11:49] Yeah, not very good.

[11:50] So it's like it shows them fighting in the Civil War, World War I, World War II, Vietnam.

[11:55] And it's never explained, one, why they went to the United States.

[11:59] I would like to see them in like a civil rights rally or like the big stock market crash.

[12:04] Like one of them jumps out the window and the other one picks him up.

[12:09] Waiting in line to see Wizard of Oz in the theater.

[12:11] One of them on top of a flagpole.

[12:14] Yeah.

[12:15] Dancing on the wing of a biplane.

[12:16] Yeah.

[12:17] Shooting Al Capone with Eliot Ness.

[12:18] All good stuff.

[12:19] See, I would have loved, if X-Men Origins Wolverine had taken place in like the 60s,

[12:27] I think it would have been a better movie.

[12:29] But instead, they're like, listen.

[12:31] Like Mad Men style.

[12:32] Yeah, kind of.

[12:33] But like, listen, they did a lot of exciting stuff over the last 150 years.

[12:38] Let's not talk about it.

[12:39] Let's talk about this other thing.

[12:42] But it means that like, you're just like, all right, I guess they enlisted in the U.S.

[12:46] Army and then the Army never realized that these same two guys were there for over a

[12:50] hundred years.

[12:52] Because in Vietnam, they have a falling out and they kill some regular American soldiers

[12:59] in a fight and their firing squad tries to kill them, but they can't because they have

[13:04] their healing powers.

[13:05] They're impervious to bullets.

[13:06] That's never really addressed.

[13:07] A mysterious colonel or general or something named Striker, who is the villain from X-Men

[13:11] 2, you may remember.

[13:12] He's played by Danny Houston, best known for playing creepy middle-aged men and everything.

[13:19] He shows up and says, why don't you join my team of ragtag mutant monsters?

[13:24] And they do, basically, I guess for the next 25 years, although nobody seems to age from

[13:30] Vietnam until, I guess, the 80s?

[13:32] I don't know.

[13:33] Yeah.

[13:34] We don't really know when present day in this film is, by the way.

[13:37] They do their best to kind of fudge the time.

[13:40] Nothing about it seems to say it's happening right now, but then Cyclops is a young boy.

[13:45] He was like a teenager at one point, so it had to have been at least like 10 years ago,

[13:50] but there's just no historical markers whatsoever.

[13:54] They go out of their way to avoid them.

[13:56] Maybe they're going for a mythic, timeless quality.

[13:58] Sure.

[13:59] Like in the movie Legend?

[14:00] Exactly, yeah.

[14:01] It's like the movie Legend, which could have taken place at any time in a world of goblins

[14:07] and unicorns.

[14:11] What happens, basically?

[14:14] They join this ragtag team of monsters, which is on the lookout for this metal called adamantium,

[14:20] which was discovered somewhere in Africa.

[14:23] In an African village, the team goes kill crazy, and Wolverine says, I've had enough

[14:26] of this.

[14:27] I'm not going to be a killer anymore.

[14:29] Leaves becomes a hatchet man out in the woods, or an ax man, I guess is what you call him.

[14:34] A lumberjack.

[14:35] Yeah, a lumberjack, whatever.

[14:36] He doesn't fire people.

[14:38] This is not up in the air with George Clooney.

[14:42] The next shot is Wolverine in a suit, being like, we've got to cut your staff by 30%.

[14:47] And he's got a ponytail.

[14:49] He's going bald in the front, but he has a ponytail in the back.

[14:52] So he's got a skillet.

[14:53] Yeah, yeah.

[14:54] He's got a skillet.

[14:58] So anyway, he goes, he lives out with his girlfriend in the woods as a lumberjack.

[15:04] Uh-oh, Stryker and Sabertooth find him.

[15:09] Sabertooth kills his girlfriend.

[15:10] He wants revenge.

[15:11] So he says to Stryker, OK, Stryker says, Wolverine's, sorry, all these stupid names.

[15:18] Stryker says, Sabertooth, your brother Victor, is on the loose.

[15:21] We can't stop him, but we can give you the tools to stop him.

[15:24] And Wolverine says, I want revenge.

[15:26] Just point me at him, and I'll kill him.

[15:28] So they fill his bones with adamantium, so they're unbreakable.

[15:30] That makes sense.

[15:31] That's the logical first step.

[15:34] But then they reveal that Sabertooth was working, well, actually, because he seems

[15:38] to know it, but then he doesn't know it.

[15:40] Wolverine runs away.

[15:41] He seems to realize that, obviously, Sabertooth is working with Stryker.

[15:44] But then, so he runs away naked in the woods with his claws.

[15:49] And then he holds up with an old man and woman for about a day.

[15:53] They give him a leather jacket and a motorcycle, because it's an origin story.

[15:56] So we have to learn how every fucking piece of clothing he ever wore got into his wardrobe

[16:00] and his bag of tricks.

[16:02] He never learned why he smoked cigars, Elliot.

[16:05] No.

[16:06] Oh, I wish.

[16:07] There's a part where he's like, oh, I've never had one of these before.

[16:09] Interesting.

[16:10] So they call them cigars?

[16:11] They're like big cigarettes.

[16:12] Well, wait.

[16:13] So he should be inventing it?

[16:14] Like, oh, this cigarette isn't big enough for me.

[16:15] Yeah.

[16:16] It went down to Cuba.

[16:17] He was in the CIA.

[16:18] You don't know that story.

[16:19] This bay?

[16:20] It should be called the Bay of Pigs.

[16:29] So basically, Wolverine tracks down his old allies, the Blob, Fred J. Dukes, and Will

[16:35] I Am, the character of, what was his name?

[16:38] John Wraith, maybe?

[16:39] Wraith.

[16:40] That's what it was.

[16:41] Yeah, he was a teleporter.

[16:42] He has teleportation powers.

[16:43] They tell him, Stryker is kidnapping mutants and doing experiments on a secret island.

[16:47] Only one mutant's ever escaped the island.

[16:49] His name?

[16:50] Remy Lebeau.

[16:51] They call him Gambit.

[16:53] Uh-oh.

[16:54] The worst character in X-Men history shows up.

[16:57] How can it be the worst character, Elliot?

[16:58] He's a ninja cowboy pirate.

[17:00] And he's Cajun.

[17:02] And he's Cajun.

[17:03] He's terrible in every way.

[17:06] He's got purple body armor, as you pointed out.

[17:08] Yeah, and purple and pink body armor under a trench coat, and some kind of headband that

[17:12] his hair flops over.

[17:14] In the movie, he doesn't have a heavy accent, but in the comics, he says, like, Da ting is

[17:18] mon cherie.

[17:19] It's like a sclerotics instructor.

[17:20] I love you, yet we cannot touch each other.

[17:24] Yeah.

[17:25] That's kind of a nerdy gamut.

[17:26] Or a robot.

[17:27] Oh, my God.

[17:28] There's a Gambot?

[17:29] Yeah.

[17:30] I wish.

[17:31] Michael Gambot.

[17:32] The star of the Harry Potter films.

[17:33] He's the star?

[17:34] He's not even the title character, Dan.

[17:35] I don't even know.

[17:36] He's the star of Singing Detective.

[17:37] He's not even in the first one.

[17:38] He took over Richard Harris's role.

[17:39] I don't care about kids.

[17:40] I like old guys.

[17:41] Why doesn't this movie have been called Dumbledore and the Prisoner of Azkaban?

[17:55] Why doesn't this movie have been called Dumbledore and the Prisoner of Azkaban?

[17:58] Anywho.

[17:59] Game Gambit, by the way.

[18:03] Played by Taylor Kirsch of Friday Night Lights.

[18:08] Good show.

[18:09] Tim Briggans.

[18:10] Good show.

[18:11] I've never seen that show.

[18:12] I've heard great things about it.

[18:13] It's a good show.

[18:14] Maybe I'll pick it up sometime.

[18:15] One of many flophouse movies that features people from ...

[18:16] From shows you like.

[18:17] ... Friday Night Lights.

[18:18] Yeah.

[18:19] It's a show where people do not have good movie careers, despite being in good ...

[18:25] However, they still have careers.

[18:27] That's good.

[18:28] Yeah, it's true.

[18:29] They should be thankful.

[18:30] Better than nothing.

[18:31] In this holiday season, they should be thankful.

[18:32] Absolutely.

[18:33] Things are tough, man.

[18:34] Yeah.

[18:35] Anywho.

[18:36] Gambit helps Wolverine after a fight, because heroes always fight first, in which the two

[18:41] characters use their powers in incredibly ridiculous ways.

[18:44] They should write that on the cover of one of those two heroes fighting issues, like

[18:48] Heroes always fight first.

[18:51] Gambit flies Wolverine into the secret island.

[18:54] Wolverine learns everything he knows is a lie.

[18:56] He fights a lot of things.

[18:58] It turns out Striker is trying to combine all of these kids' mutant powers into one

[19:02] unstoppable soldier, who is a very loose take on the character of Deadpool, the Merc with

[19:08] a Mouth.

[19:09] That's what they call him.

[19:10] He's got three titles.

[19:11] They fight on top of a cooling tower.

[19:12] They fight on the lip of a cooling tower.

[19:17] Wolverine and Sabretooth kind of team up, but then they don't, and then Sabretooth leaves.

[19:20] There's very little closure there.

[19:22] Striker manages to shoot Wolverine in the head with an adamantium bullet, which doesn't kill

[19:26] him but does remove his memory, a la Gillian getting hit with a coconut.

[19:31] Yeah.

[19:32] An adamantium coconut.

[19:33] Wolverine tragically does not remember his dead girlfriend at the end of the...

[19:37] And Charles Xavier.

[19:38] It turns out his girlfriend's working for Striker, but only because Striker had kidnapped

[19:41] the girlfriend's sister, who is kind of Emma Frost, the White Queen, but not exactly.

[19:47] And she's covered in diamonds.

[19:49] Well, you said...

[19:50] What was the name?

[19:51] Zales should have been her name.

[19:52] Her superpower name is Zales because she's covered in diamonds.

[19:53] Is Emma Frost covered in diamonds?

[19:54] Well, she's just covered in white lingerie.

[19:55] She's got diamond skin.

[19:56] No, no, they...

[20:00] He decided that being a super telepath wasn't enough, so she also has diamond hard skin.

[20:07] But she can't do both at the same time.

[20:09] Yeah, I thought she was just a hot telepath.

[20:11] Well, they changed that.

[20:12] She's got a lot of sexual chemistry with Banshee.

[20:15] Well, now she has sexual chemistry with Cyclops.

[20:18] Boring. That dude's a dork.

[20:21] Matt Fraction is writing him very well in the current run of Uncanny.

[20:24] Sure, I don't believe that, but we'll get into that later.

[20:27] We'll talk about that later.

[20:28] And Charles Xavier stops by and picks up all the kids.

[20:31] And, uh, that's it.

[20:33] Come with me, guys.

[20:35] To my special kids' school.

[20:38] I can hear you in my mind.

[20:41] I can hear you.

[20:42] And in my pants.

[20:44] I'm a she-load of candy in this blackbird.

[20:53] I didn't think you were going to say it, then you said it.

[20:57] Elliot's coughing up water.

[21:00] You made him lose it, dude. That's well done.

[21:02] Yeah, nice work.

[21:03] Well done, little guy.

[21:04] The worst, most horrible joke ever.

[21:07] Well, anyway, now that we've talked about the big picture...

[21:12] Oh, and after the credits...

[21:14] By the way, Deadpool's head gets cut off, and after the credits,

[21:18] his hand reaches over and grabs his head, and then his eyes open.

[21:22] And he shushes.

[21:23] He shushes the audience.

[21:25] Don't tell anyone.

[21:27] I'm leaving it open for a sequel.

[21:30] Keep quiet in the movie theater, please.

[21:33] Silence your cell phones.

[21:36] No exits to the front.

[21:39] Go to the concession stands.

[21:42] Now it's time for the 20.

[21:46] Have some special Deadpool Raisinets.

[21:49] So that's the movie.

[21:50] So that's the film.

[21:53] Oh, man.

[21:54] If by the numbers you mean they don't explain a lot of things...

[21:57] Well, no.

[21:58] The plot is very rote, but it's...

[22:00] Yeah, they expect you have seen all three X-Men movies.

[22:03] You've read the comics.

[22:04] They really do a bad job...

[22:05] Possibly even seen the pizza commercials featuring Wolverine slashing a pizza.

[22:09] Whoa.

[22:10] They do a very bad job of explaining who these characters are

[22:13] and why you should be interested in them.

[22:15] As you said, during the movie, an action scene would start, and you'd say,

[22:18] you know, I was just thinking...

[22:20] This is what Dan said.

[22:21] I was just thinking there isn't a lot of action in this movie,

[22:23] but now this action is kind of stupid.

[22:26] Dang.

[22:28] That's not how I talk.

[22:29] That's my Dan impression.

[22:31] Yeah, I know.

[22:32] Actually, this is my Dan impression.

[22:35] Well, the thing about the movie is...

[22:38] Yep, that's it.

[22:39] It always starts with a sigh.

[22:41] Too close?

[22:42] Here's a digression.

[22:44] My lovely wife in college apparently did an impression of me

[22:49] that just involved her sighing

[22:52] and then putting her hand to her forehead

[22:55] as if she was taking her own temperature.

[22:59] And it was pretty accurate, I've got to say.

[23:03] So that anecdote you just heard was more exciting than the movie.

[23:06] Yeah, let's get back to the movie here.

[23:08] Well, Stuart, what do you want to say about it?

[23:10] Or Dash, you know?

[23:11] No.

[23:13] Those claws were terrible.

[23:14] Yeah, well, let's talk about fucking special effects for a sec.

[23:17] Terrible effects.

[23:18] Well, I thought after X-Men 3, X-Men The Last Stand,

[23:23] there wasn't a chance for an X-Men-based movie

[23:25] to have shittier special effects than that movie.

[23:29] But X-Men Origins Wolverine, they're abysmal.

[23:32] Like, when his fucking claws come out,

[23:34] it looks like the singing sword from fucking Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

[23:37] It's crazy.

[23:38] They look like cartoon claws.

[23:39] Yeah, they're pastel blue.

[23:41] It's fucking nuts.

[23:43] Like RoboCop.

[23:44] It's a lot like RoboCop.

[23:46] You know, I don't watch the pictures expecting it to be exactly realistic.

[23:51] I mean, come on.

[23:52] This is a fantasy world.

[23:55] But I would like a little bit more adherence to reality, please.

[24:00] Well, just use props instead of terrible CGI effects.

[24:04] Maybe use the CGI for a second when the claws come out of his hands,

[24:07] but why can't he just have a couple of prop claws strapped to his hands?

[24:10] Yeah, or make not every single bullet hit in the ground a CGI.

[24:15] Like, you could use squibs as Dan pointed out.

[24:18] Yeah, there's a part where Wolverine is riding a motorcycle through the woods

[24:21] while a helicopter gunship fires at him.

[24:23] Not as exciting as the props.

[24:24] Sounds very exciting, but it is not.

[24:26] Each of those elements that should be exciting.

[24:28] Wolverine, motorcycle, gunship, woods.

[24:29] And then a helicopter is piloted by a mutant who's amazing at shooting guns.

[24:32] His name is Agent Zero, which seems to be a…

[24:36] Agent Gunselot is his name.

[24:37] Well, they should have called him, like, Gunny, you know, Shooter.

[24:42] Starting Mark Wolverine.

[24:43] Yeah, well, there you go.

[24:44] That would be a really long name, though.

[24:46] I don't think it's a good name.

[24:47] Shooter starring Mark Wolverine.

[24:48] Move out.

[24:51] Logan, you're with Fred J. Dukes.

[24:55] Sabretooth, you're with Shooter starring Mark Wolverine.

[24:59] But, like, all the hits of bullets on the ground, or most of them,

[25:02] are very obvious computer effects.

[25:04] Like, they don't even have, yeah, just explosives in the grounds blowing up.

[25:07] Yeah.

[25:08] You know, kicking up dirt.

[25:09] For a movie that's about, like, superpowers,

[25:12] I had a lot of logical problems with the film.

[25:15] I mean, for instance…

[25:16] Really?

[25:17] Well, when…

[25:18] Okay.

[25:19] When they're bonding, well, I…

[25:22] When they're squirting him full of adamantium.

[25:24] Squirting him full of adamantium.

[25:26] For some reason, number one, that needs to happen underwater,

[25:28] which I don't know.

[25:29] Because it looks cool.

[25:30] It did happen in water in the comics.

[25:32] Okay, but also, like, they're, like, shooting it in, like, via these…

[25:36] Little needles.

[25:37] Little needles that go into his skin, and I guess…

[25:40] Well, it's like how you…

[25:41] When you put adamantium through needles, it immediately bonds to bone.

[25:45] I don't know why.

[25:46] Like, it apparently just spreads out under his skin.

[25:48] Well, it's like when you plump up stuffed crust pizza.

[25:50] Like, the cheese knows where to go.

[25:52] You just leave it up to the cheese to figure out where to go.

[25:55] You trust the cheese.

[25:57] You just, that's the first thing they teach you, is trust the cheese.

[26:00] TTC.

[26:02] And adamantium.

[26:03] I did not know that about stuffed crust pizza technology, Elliot.

[26:06] Thank you so much.

[26:07] It's based on the force, yeah.

[26:08] I guess you're right.

[26:09] I mean, adamantium automatically clings to bone.

[26:11] No, but you could say…

[26:12] In an even level all over.

[26:15] Yeah, it's fairly dumb.

[26:18] But also, like, everyone has set powers,

[26:21] but they also have the ability to, like, run up walls and jump in the air really far.

[26:25] And it's like, it's similar to Watchmen, where it was like,

[26:28] here's a real world about superheroes who don't have powers,

[26:32] but they can punch a guy through a wall and jump, like, 30 feet.

[26:36] And as soon as a fight starts, it's all slow motion.

[26:38] Yeah.

[26:39] Like, you have to believe that everyone in the universe,

[26:42] in the world of this film, can do these amazing feats.

[26:46] Yeah.

[26:47] But they don't have claws, you know.

[26:49] But also, and when Wolverine uses his claws on a fire escape,

[26:53] he doesn't just cut it up.

[26:55] It shatters like someone put liquid nitrogen all over it.

[26:58] What's weird about it is he does that,

[27:00] but when he uses his claws on human bodies, you know what?

[27:02] It doesn't cause a single drop of blood to squirt out of anywhere.

[27:05] Well, it cauterizes the wound.

[27:07] Whoa, it's like a lightsaber?

[27:09] Yeah, exactly.

[27:10] Oh, that makes so much more sense now.

[27:12] Now imagine how cool it would be if he had lightsabers that came out of his hands.

[27:16] Someone has, I bet you someone has written that story.

[27:19] It's a Wolverine-Star Wars crossover.

[27:21] Wolverine's 2019 crossover.

[27:23] That sounds like my slash pick.

[27:24] It's called Luke Skywalker.

[27:25] Between Wolverine and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[27:27] It's called Luke Skywalker-Wolverine.

[27:29] Well, they had more than one X-Men-Star Trek crossovers,

[27:34] and I remember when I worked at Barnes & Noble.

[27:36] You're making that up.

[27:37] No, they've had the comic version and the novel version.

[27:39] That sounds awesome.

[27:40] And I remember when I worked at Barnes & Noble, I should have bought it.

[27:42] Wait a minute, is Professor X Jean-Luc Picard?

[27:45] Is it the same guy, or is he like, I'm two sides of the same coin?

[27:48] I don't remember, but I never read through the whole book.

[27:50] I should have bought it when I worked at Barnes & Noble,

[27:52] but I used to read through it, and I just remember they're reporting.

[27:56] We just got a little bit of X-Men Origins.

[27:58] Elliot over here, I remember that he worked at Barnes & Noble.

[28:01] Next you'll learn the story of my glasses.

[28:04] Now we understand his power of having read books.

[28:08] You'll learn how I got the story of my shoes.

[28:13] Well, I went to Payless one day.

[28:15] Payless, huh?

[28:16] DSW had a sale.

[28:19] No, I'm not going to spend a lot of money on shoes, come on.

[28:21] I would think you'd go to Zappos, though.

[28:24] When I get my feet zapped, I'm sorry.

[28:26] I'm not going to fall for that trap.

[28:28] I'm just shooting for Zappos gift certificates, to be honest.

[28:30] But anyway, yeah, because usually when we mention a product on the Pop House,

[28:34] we get a lot of free product.

[28:36] Like free Popeyes, right?

[28:37] Oh, I wish.

[28:38] My dream one day is to be famous enough to do an ad for Popeyes

[28:41] and have them pay me in chicken.

[28:43] That's awesome.

[28:44] Like, I'll do this ad.

[28:45] You'll do like a treasure bath, but with chicken?

[28:47] I'll do this ad for free if I can walk into any Popeyes anywhere

[28:51] and not have to pay.

[28:52] And they'll be like, oh, Mr. Elliot, here you go.

[28:55] For some reason, I'm imagining this horrible Twilight Zone twist, though.

[28:58] Oh, where I die of a heart attack?

[29:00] Yeah.

[29:01] I was going to say, you'll get hooked up to this Popeyes chicken machine.

[29:05] Wanted all the Popeyes you could eat, huh?

[29:07] Now you'll have to eat Popeyes forever.

[29:09] No.

[29:13] Like a Sisyphus type character.

[29:15] There's this novel, Star Trek X-Men.

[29:17] And it's probably called Deadly Rebellion or something like that.

[29:21] But there's a scene where it's like we're having trouble in the transporter bay.

[29:26] Some kind of angry Harry, like, Harry Runt is in here.

[29:29] And it's like, ah, said Professor X, that must be Logan.

[29:33] Like, the characters have met each other before and are having another adventure.

[29:38] And there are all those moments where it's like, Nightcrawler, my old friend,

[29:41] it's good to see you again, you know.

[29:43] Yeah, well, I mean, speaking of which,

[29:45] that's the weird thing about the end of this movie.

[29:47] I mean, I guess that Cyclops doesn't meet Wolverine,

[29:51] but apparently he can see through the weird bandana they've put over his head because of his eyes.

[29:57] Well, no, I think what they're supposed to be saying is that he's a psychopath.

[30:00] Is that well there's a part he's blindfolded otherwise his eye beams will shoot and he's got like ruby quartz blindfolds on

[30:06] and he

[30:08] Ruby quartz fibers into the blindfold into the nap

[30:13] You know the airline sleep mask

[30:17] But they're leaving through the tunnels of the base

[30:20] Hit all the escaping mutants and they're like we don't know which way to go left or right

[30:23] He goes and he's blindfolded left, but how can you know you can't see I just know and I think what they're

[30:30] Replying is he memorized the route or maybe president savers telling I would say I thought it was that he memorized the route because he couldn't

[30:37] See, so he just remembered which way they turned

[30:39] But maybe it's professor senior than ours, but then how did professor Xavier a fucking blueprints of the secret military base on Governor's Island?

[30:48] Well, which island it's one of those islands, you know somewhere I don't know he's an incredibly powerful telepath Elliot

[30:54] With

[30:56] Extensive resources at his I guess you're right. Well, he does have he opens up a fucking school for troubled mutant kids

[31:07] The movie goes through these weird contortions to like work all these other mutants in but also to have none of them

[31:16] Anything directly with Wolverine. Well, that's one of them for Wolverine to lose his memory

[31:20] So when they all meet up later on they don't be like, yeah, it won't be like, you know fucking yeah worse people

[31:29] Yeah, I expect him to run into a couple of droids

[31:32] Well, that's the thing is like they it's they wanted to be an origin with that tells a story

[31:36] But they've got to tie it into what happened in the first x-men movie

[31:39] So like he can hate saber-tooth, but he can't kill him at the end saber-tooth in x-men

[31:43] He can hate striker, but they can't kill him because he's an x-men too

[31:46] It's like I saw like it was like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix or some nonsense and the whole time I'm like

[31:52] Oh, man, this is gonna be some fight at the end between him and Voldemort and they fought for a little bit and Voldemort's like

[31:58] Ah, well, I'll be back Potter and disappeared and I was like, oh, that's right. There's like two or three more movies

[32:04] There's be there'll be no closure in this time

[32:06] They just did such a bad job of making it feel like not a chapter in a longer story, which happened here, too

[32:12] Speaking of saber-tooth, I was saying that I don't really understand his motivation

[32:17] Throughout the film and I can leave Shriver. I told you because it's probably

[32:23] Paying movie. Yeah, I told you saved its motivation. He's a killing machine

[32:28] He's a man

[32:29] Well, that's the thing. He just he seems to kill for no reason. He wants striker to give him adamantium bones

[32:34] Why who knows? I don't know what makes him better a bad one

[32:38] Another logical problem I had with the film strikers reason for not giving saber-tooth adamantium bones saber-tooth the guy who's already on striker's side

[32:47] He's like, oh I got to go get Wolverine to put adamantium on it, even though that involves like a huge conspiracy

[32:53] He says Oh saber-tooth. You wouldn't be able to survive it saber-tooth who has the same healing powers as Wolverine

[32:59] I mean, they're not exactly the same

[33:01] I mean, I bet like if you pulled out their Marvel cards and there was a like a power gauge for healing

[33:08] Yeah, exactly

[33:10] Saber-tooth might be a little lower, but he's a little higher in sheer killing ability

[33:16] Psychotic rage he turns against his brother I guess to get adamantium bones

[33:24] He's like, oh

[33:26] No one gets to kill you. But me he says the line he says or something like that. And so they well

[33:32] Yeah, saber-tooth says nothing but like awesome cliches the whole movie

[33:36] Oh the Wolverine was it kills Wolverine walks into the bar slash barn that a slash

[33:43] Garage that a saber-tooth and he goes look what the cat dragged in and it's like come on

[33:50] Seriously, like every line he has in the movie is like that

[33:54] The weirdest reading

[33:56] A guy wrote it. Someone wrote that somebody wrote that somebody got paid for their book of cliches

[34:02] That's one trying to remember some of the other ones. It's a lot of like I'm surprised

[34:06] There wasn't a point where he went like didn't go me. Yeah

[34:10] When not when Wolverine the trailer when Wolverine like extenses computer claws, he's like, ooh shiny

[34:17] He didn't say quite as quite as gay quite as Sean Hays

[34:25] He's hilarious Dan hilarious, I don't understand why the people who make two-and-a-half men don't just put him on that fucking show

[34:36] Every show should star Sean Hayes if he's the half of a man

[34:39] That's on the show. They take that fat kid off of there

[34:42] I wish it was called million dollars, but two and a half million dollars to me

[34:46] Two and a half man. It was the same exact show, but instead of a kid. It was like a war a veteran

[34:51] Who had his legs?

[34:53] Or like Jude Law's character in Gattaca who also lost his legs. It's like these two guys having zany adventures than this really sad guy

[35:01] like I'm gonna go

[35:03] sit out near the

[35:05] Strip mall and hold my son says I'm a war vet like that sort of thing. All right

[35:10] I've got to convince these girls to sleep with me. All right, Charlie Sheen. Well, I'll be at the

[35:20] Depressing

[35:22] Here's one thing that I just remember that really bothered me

[35:25] Okay, lay it on anywhere there in the African village and they find the adamant not the beginning. That's like 25 30 minutes in

[35:32] Okay, well, if I had a man, maybe it's maybe it's 50 and they go to the village and they're like

[35:36] Where did this stone come from and like the guys like it came from the sky and everyone's like it came from this like

[35:42] I don't tell the fucking truth

[35:44] It's not lying. I'm over. He goes. No, he's telling the truth. Yeah

[35:52] Like they could not believe no one could believe that the stone could fall out of the sky

[35:57] It's that was dumb

[35:58] but what's even dumber and it goes along with what you're saying earlier about

[36:01] Shoehorning these characters in is the deleted scene on the DVD where Wolverine has a falling-out with his team of mercenaries and he says that's it

[36:08] I'm done and he leaves after they kill a bunch of people in this village in the deleted scene

[36:13] Little girl storm Aurora Monroe is there and is just standing mute

[36:18] Why and they just kept keep cutting to her looking at this and you can tell it's her because she has long white hair

[36:23] And because it starts raining behind her because she controls the weather and if they cut that out of the movie

[36:30] But it's on the deleted scenes and it shows that this philosophy of like we got to put in all these little hints to the real

[36:36] Fans called destiny, but they just feel really called destiny Elliot. It's like they don't preordain

[36:41] They would all they would all work together

[36:43] they do a lot of comics now that take place in the past where it's like it'll be like Nick Fury having an adventure in

[36:47] World War two and

[36:49] He'll bump into Wolverine and then years later. They won't remember. It's like oh, thanks for driving me over to this part of the battlefield

[36:56] What's your name Logan? Well, nice to meet you Logan. You're a tough little guy

[36:59] Hope we'll meet again sometime wink readers you you can heal anything. Yeah

[37:06] You seem the best of what you do and that's driving

[37:10] I hope someday to do something more important. Thanks. I hope to do something less. Nice

[37:15] Hope to kill a shitload of scrolls with you

[37:20] It was a this is and a lot of spinning everybody spins in the action scenes

[37:25] Spinning

[37:27] sorting

[37:28] There's tons of CGI backdrops like it's all I think the whole movie was shot on blue screen a lot of people screen like

[37:35] Screaming no to the heavens. Yeah, I was actually expecting more of that. I'm a little disappointed

[37:41] The trailers led me to believe that was like 70% of the movie

[37:45] Hugh Jackman flexing and showing off his veins. There was a lot of him showing off his veins

[37:50] Yeah, as soon as as soon as the fights about to get sir, he's like, hmm shirts coming off just gotta wear a white

[37:57] There was a scene where he was running outside with a coat and suddenly all of a sudden

[38:02] It's like time to show my Italian t-shirt

[38:05] Oh, yeah, by the way ladies ladies and gay men

[38:10] Partial nudity we were we were promised partial nudity at the beginning of the DVD when we shot the rating

[38:16] There was an introduction Hugh Jackman walks and he goes, thanks for for renting this DVD of

[38:21] Exmenology is Wolverine. Just so you know, there's some partial nudity

[38:27] People ask me all the time

[38:30] I

[38:32] Cannot do an Australian accent. Yeah, it was Hugh Jackman

[38:36] Leaping out of the water going into berserker rage and you know diving into a waterfall

[38:42] But, you know a little Jack man ass ladies

[38:47] ladies

[38:48] Yeah, if you're if you're a Jack fan

[38:50] I wish I wish that he had I wish that while running like

[38:54] With with no pants on it just flashed on the screen something for your girlfriends

[38:59] Like, you know, he dragged you to the we dragged them to the theater

[39:02] Like here's something for them now back to more people being killed as soon as they're introduced

[39:08] Yeah, there is kind of a funny scene where he gets picked up by this old man and woman who are basically mom and pop

[39:13] Kent or Uncle Owen and Aunt Baru like any old people who take care of the hero hero

[39:19] hero and

[39:20] He gets to their house and he's using the bathroom and his claws come out for the first time and he doesn't know what to

[39:25] Do he's cutting up the radiator and the sink and there was something very Teen Wolf about it. Yeah

[39:31] What's weird and then the

[39:34] Elderly kindly old man

[39:39] Was like they don't he doesn't even get to stay with him for a week

[39:42] But yeah, I mean he had he had like claws

[39:46] Well, you ever since he was like he he had claws for over a hundred years

[39:51] They were pointy, but they weren't like they weren't razor-sharp. Well, he did

[39:55] How did being squirted full of adamantium turn his like?

[40:00] lost my little bone claws and i like little razors yeah

[40:04] like super-sharp razors yeah that's crazy that seems like there should have

[40:07] been a forge like someone a forge like some sort of like the character forge

[40:12] yeah the shaman inventor

[40:16] that's who he is he's always working on the blackbird

[40:18] yeah you think that character should have been around to fix it

[40:21] uh... yeah

[40:22] okay that would have made more sense

[40:25] somebody like there should have been some fucking like we should have seen striker

[40:28] with like a knife

[40:30] sharpener

[40:32] like all right well now that we've done the basic lay down of the antimatheon

[40:36] we're going to do a little finesse on this

[40:38] yeah put a little english on it

[40:42] uh... we've all seen the x-men movies right fellas

[40:46] i don't know about you guys a little tired about this uh... striker bad guy

[40:50] saber-toothed bad guy why don't they introduce more bad guys

[40:54] i mean i guess this deadpool fella

[40:56] sure this deadpool gentleman

[41:00] introducing people and kind of showing their half powers

[41:03] that's the thing it's it's kind of there seems to be this rule

[41:07] that in superhero movies nowadays where

[41:10] when you introduce a villain in one movie

[41:13] he has to show up in the next one and maybe you'll throw in some other guys

[41:16] too

[41:17] like the spider-man movie is not quite as much although that you know the

[41:20] osbornes are in every fucking one

[41:22] but like

[41:23] magneto's in the first one okay

[41:25] we're gonna have magneto with some more villains in the second one third one

[41:29] gotta bring back magneto but we'll give him a bigger army of like random mutants

[41:32] that just show up in the backgrounds that really pissed me off

[41:37] the hellfire club come on let's get uh... the hellfire club apocalypse like you got all sorts of

[41:41] great mr sinister all sorts of weirdo villains you could put in there

[41:45] the brood

[41:46] the brood the imperial guard the star jammers

[41:51] sure mojo yeah mojo and mojo 2 the sequel just have them sucked into the mojo first

[41:57] come on let's just do it

[41:58] and then you can have the x-babies

[42:00] yeah darth vader the gremlins

[42:03] mr potter maybe have them sucked into asgard and they have to fight loki

[42:08] ivan drago

[42:10] darth wait did you already say darth vader he did he said no what about dark helmet

[42:14] dark helmet

[42:17] sure dark

[42:18] that's a crossover that's just waiting to be tacked uh... what's his name from temple of doom

[42:23] molarom

[42:26] yeah man why not

[42:28] jesus charles foster cain

[42:31] sam spade

[42:33] jake giddies

[42:34] the fat man gutman

[42:35] the fat man yeah the fat man zolo from romancing the stone

[42:40] joel cairo scarlet o'hara

[42:44] glenda the good witch of the north

[42:47] baby jane

[42:49] torre johnson now we're just naming things

[42:54] the gopher from caddyshack

[42:56] let's lose flinch again with the gopher from caddyshack i think would be on wolverine's side

[43:01] i don't know they'd fight first though

[43:04] when they first met up they'd have a fight and wolverine's like

[43:07] wah i want to catch you well bill murray's kind of the wolverine of that movie

[43:11] true almost most movies and tv shows have their wolverine like

[43:16] stewart when i first started watching the wire one of the things that stuck with me was when you described omar as being the wire's wolverine

[43:22] like they all have that kind of character you know

[43:25] alright well like jim

[43:27] i almost said jim belushi he's never a wolverine but john belushi in animal house is totally the wolverine

[43:32] he's the wolverine

[43:35] we've been running a while

[43:37] we need to really speed through our final judgments on this

[43:42] and to reiterate the categories are is this a

[43:45] good bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie that you actually kind of like

[43:49] you don't have special wolverine ones for this

[43:51] oh god there's gotta be a special category every time

[43:54] is it the best it is at what it does

[43:57] is what it does not very nice

[44:00] or is it

[44:02] mutantly mediocre

[44:05] elliot what do you have to say

[44:08] i would have to say what it does isn't very nice because it's very boring and

[44:12] this is a movie that i knew wasn't going to be good but i'm still kind of looking forward to it

[44:16] because as a comic book fan there's the part of you that wants to see what they do with the characters to change them

[44:21] and what they did was just not

[44:22] interesting or appealing

[44:25] uh... dash? yeah there's nothing worthwhile in this movie at all

[44:31] even seeing how bad the special effects are or how weird some of the stuff is it's just a bad movie

[44:39] if i was not

[44:40] watching it with you gentlemen i think i would have taken

[44:43] uh... dash's lead and fallen asleep

[44:47] for a movie where someone uses the claws that come out of his hands to rip up a

[44:52] helicopter it is really boring

[44:56] uh... wait which which one is really bad which is the what he does isn't very nice

[45:01] yeah i don't like this wasn't a very good movie the thing is it was just really boring

[45:07] that was the saddest thing about it is like

[45:09] i mean yeah hey you know what you know what we're having some yucks right now but you know

[45:13] what during the movie it was snoresville it was we took our first last ticket to snoresville

[45:18] yeah i spent most of the time like writing uh... texts and stuff and like writing e-mails

[45:24] you do that even when you like the movies yeah that's true and like looking at internet

[45:27] pornography on my iphone

[45:30] while we were in the room

[45:32] yeah i wasn't like masturbating

[45:34] but i was getting ready to

[45:37] if the movie kept on going well yeah i mean it's a slow build like

[45:42] i'm not ready to go at the drop of a hat you know i gotta work it out

[45:46] romance you a little

[45:47] yeah i gotta be romanced with my internet pornography

[45:50] so great movie

[45:54] what we're talking about is uh...

[45:56] recommendations dan

[45:57] this is where you recommend a movie that you actually liked as opposed to this

[46:01] shithole

[46:03] dan

[46:04] wow the spotlight's on you mccoy really accusatory drop it on us

[46:09] uh... i saw your move

[46:11] i saw the the brothers bloom

[46:14] which uh... oh yeah i liked that movie yeah i liked it a lot

[46:17] i haven't seen it i was just making a case

[46:19] you know i thought that maybe i wouldn't like it because it got a lot of mixed reviews but

[46:23] i liked rick and uh...

[46:26] the thing about movies like that like

[46:27] there's like good whimsy and bad whimsy and i know that like

[46:31] and there's the last mimsy

[46:32] and people

[46:35] you've been saving that fucking joke

[46:38] i've been waiting for someone to say whimsy twice

[46:43] and people disagree on like what

[46:45] what's good and what's bad like people have different tolerances for different

[46:48] things like

[46:49] i for instance i know a lot of people don't but i for instance

[46:52] like wes anderson movies but

[46:55] i do not like uh... say omily

[46:58] like i watch omily and i'm like well this is visually stunning

[47:01] but this woman is crazy and she's making life difficult for herself and everyone

[47:05] around her too foreign uh... i don't go to the movies to read

[47:10] i would have watched emily

[47:12] the english language version

[47:15] uh... but i yeah i like i thought

[47:17] i saw brothers bloom in the in the theaters and i thought

[47:20] the opening where it all rhymes was a little too sweet but after that i enjoyed it a lot

[47:24] well the thing is like it has a thematic reason i mean it's a movie about like

[47:28] sort of constructing stories so

[47:30] for to have like this storybook quality

[47:33] makes sense it doesn't just feel like affectation and you see rachel weiss's butt

[47:38] yeah which

[47:39] only happens in ninety percent of the movies that rachel weiss does

[47:42] i just saw the constant gardener recently for the first time and i was like

[47:46] there's a lot of rachel weiss with no clothes on in this beautiful butt in that movie

[47:49] but uh...

[47:50] anyway

[47:53] ralph

[47:54] ralph

[47:57] ralph finney's butt in uh...

[47:58] it shows it shows i don't know why it's so indelibly connected but whenever i hear

[48:02] the name ralph i assume macchio is going to follow it and i have not thought about

[48:07] him probably in eight years outside of hearing people say the word ralph

[48:11] i always just fill it in with the word king right before

[48:14] that's why i assume i just heard king ralph

[48:17] that's going to happen sometime guys like all of the royal families are going to get

[48:21] together for a photograph

[48:24] and ralph macchio is going to have to step in and do a little country

[48:27] it's called karate king

[48:30] you just sold your picture

[48:32] that would be so great

[48:36] they just installed the cobra kaiser of germany

[48:41] and it's instead of world war three

[48:45] instead of world war three they have a karate competition

[48:50] prime minister miyagi

[48:54] it's like

[48:55] it's like the green conjunction of stupid elliot jobson

[48:59] prime minister miyagi

[49:03] does anyone want to jump in with their recommendation i saw a movie from the

[49:06] thirties i enjoyed what a surprise uh... called

[49:10] called uh... dante's inferno starring spencer tracy

[49:14] which has its slow parts but is basically about a man who

[49:19] it's about a volcano

[49:20] no no it's about this guy is a kind of an amoral

[49:26] an amoral greedy guy

[49:27] who works his way up from being the stoker in a ship's boiler room

[49:31] to running this carnival concession called dante's inferno that's like

[49:35] it's supposed to have a moral message but it's basically a haunted house based

[49:38] on dante's work

[49:40] and

[49:41] uh... spencer tracy you know

[49:43] hurts people on his way to the top and then he has to pay for it later

[49:46] and there but there's some neat scenes especially when there's about a ten

[49:49] minute sequence in the middle that's the best known part of the film

[49:52] it's basically a

[49:54] uh... wordless

[49:56] just kind of

[49:57] fantasia of going through the entire

[50:00] as described by Dante in these very beautifully done black and white scenes

[50:05] with pretty good special effects and fire and people wailing in torment,

[50:10] turning into trees and things like that. It's a very neat scene.

[50:13] So it's worth looking up that movie for that scene alone,

[50:16] but the whole movie is kind of fun in an overly melodramatic way.

[50:20] All right. Stuart, what have you got?

[50:23] I'm going to recommend a New Zealand film called Once Were Warriors

[50:27] about Maori people in New Zealand.

[50:32] And it's kind of sad and pretty depressing,

[50:36] and it's about a family just kind of falling apart.

[50:39] And it features a lot of kind of difficult scenes and a lot of difficult moments,

[50:45] and it has some moments of revenge that feel so incredibly hollow

[50:50] that you don't really enjoy them at all.

[50:53] So, yeah, Once Were Warriors if you want to feel kind of depressed.

[50:56] Okay. And, Dash, do you have anything that you would like to add?

[51:00] Oh, yeah, and real quick, it stars the dude who played Jango Fett in the Star Wars prequels.

[51:05] Okay, now I'm sold.

[51:07] Everyone's favorite actor.

[51:09] Everyone's favorite Fett, Jango.

[51:13] Yeah, I just moved and I found a DVD that I had been missing for a long time

[51:18] called – it has two titles.

[51:20] It's either Spooky Encounters or Close Encounters of the Spooky Kind.

[51:24] I like it.

[51:25] It stars Chow Yun-Fat from the 70s.

[51:27] It's just an awesome, goofy kung fu movie with ghosts.

[51:31] If you can find it, check it out.

[51:33] That's pretty good.

[51:34] Based on the title, I think of it.

[51:36] Yeah, it's really funny, and there's some sweet, sweet kung fu in it.

[51:41] Wait, it's spooky, though, right?

[51:43] Oh, definitely.

[51:44] Kung fu and ghosts, that sounds good.

[51:47] Kung fu ghost.

[51:48] Karate Kid Part 5.

[51:50] You sold your second pitch.

[51:51] I'm selling so many screenplays.

[51:53] I'm doing so much better than Ziggy did.

[51:55] Oh, man.

[51:56] So, guys, wow.

[51:58] We did it.

[51:59] I feel like we should have Saturday Night Live-type music that plays now

[52:02] where we hug each other and talk.

[52:04] It's a brilliant experience.

[52:05] I guess that's why they call it the blues.

[52:08] Oh, man, we're going to have to pay Elton John so much money for that.

[52:12] Oh, sorry.

[52:13] It's like the music I imagine they play, though.

[52:16] Well, no, they play that.

[52:20] Well, we had a great show tonight.

[52:22] I'm James Franco.

[52:23] We're going to have to pay G.E. Smith so much money.

[52:26] Well, we'll use some public domain music.

[52:28] Happy birthday to you.

[52:30] That's not public domain music.

[52:31] Oh, no.

[52:33] So we're what?

[52:34] This is 51, right?

[52:35] This is 51.

[52:36] Oh, six away from Heinz.

[52:38] Man, we're officially deep into middle age now.

[52:42] Deep into middle age.

[52:43] I mean, you kind of are.

[52:45] All right.

[52:46] Well, I'd like to thank Dash, our contest winner, for coming out to here.

[52:53] Hope you enjoyed the flop house experience.

[52:56] Oh, it was a ton of fun.

[52:57] Pop eyes and swearing.

[52:58] Welcome to the flop house, Dash.

[52:59] Hope you survive.

[53:02] That's an old X-Men thing.

[53:04] And, yeah, I guess we should sign off.

[53:06] I've been Dan McCoy.

[53:08] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[53:10] And I will always be Elliot Kalin.

[53:12] Thanks for having me.

[53:13] I'm Dash.

[53:14] Good night, guys.

[53:19] Do you think female porn stars ever wear merkins?

[53:22] Do you think they ever wear merkins when they have sex with non-porn stars to, like, disguise their identity?

[53:27] I don't understand why they would want to do that.

[53:30] You know, like how, like, a famous person might wear a mustache or something like that.

[53:34] Did you wet down your hair when you were in the bedroom?

[53:37] Yeah, it was a little hot.

[53:39] And I'm nervous.

[53:40] I thought you were...

[53:41] This is a big podcast.

[53:42] This is Wolverine Origins.

[53:43] I thought you didn't like the little boy haircut that you had.

[53:44] I don't particularly.

[53:45] Aw, it's adorable.

[53:46] I like your haircut.

[53:47] But the girls like it.

[53:49] So...

[53:50] I see.

[53:51] What am I going to do?

[53:52] Try and keep it real?

[53:54] I don't think so.

[53:55] I'm not sure in this context, yeah.

[53:57] That phrase doesn't mean anything.

[53:59] If this was the movie Clueless, it would mean shaving your head.

[54:01] But that's...

[54:02] Yeah, wait, really?

[54:03] Well, because he's shaving his head, and his explanation is because he's keeping it real.

[54:06] Oh, yeah, the guy from the Scrubs show.

[54:08] Oh, yeah, Scrubsie.

[54:09] The funny guy.

[54:10] They call him Phazon.

[54:11] Phazon's son.

[54:12] That's his name.

[54:13] That's why they call him that.

[54:14] Nope, Stacey Dash is in that.

The Flop House: Episode #51 - X-Men Origins: Wolverine

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