The Flop House: Episode #53 - Hannah Montana: The Movie

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Hannah Montana the movie, the terrifying tale of a young girl with two totally different personalities.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellyden.

[0:39] And I'm Elliot Kalin. Back. Better than ever. That's me. Alright, here we go.

Dan McCoy

[0:44] Wait, where were you?

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] I was not here during the last show.

Dan McCoy

[0:49] Oh, right!

[0:51] Yeah, remember your British friend?

[0:54] Our British friends.

[0:56] I guess we are friends now. He's been in my apartment, we've shared a beer.

[0:59] Yeah.

[1:00] Shared Dragon Ball Evolution.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] He probably went to your, he used your restroom.

[1:04] Uh-huh.

[1:05] That's what bonds people together.

[1:06] Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't let a stranger just go in there.

[1:09] You poop in there.

[1:10] Well, how's a stranger dressed?

[1:13] Strangely.

[1:13] I don't know, maybe in like a UPS uniform?

[1:16] No, not that guy.

[1:17] Okay.

[1:17] Fuck that guy.

[1:19] Wow.

[1:19] So, a little bit of current events, guys.

[1:21] I know, you know, we make a lot of jokes here, but I'm sure people also come to us for, you know, some opinions, some important opinions.

[1:27] They don't.

[1:29] The whole late night scandal.

[1:31] What do you think?

[1:33] I think we're pretty late on coming to this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:35] By the time this episode airs, Conan will be off the air and everything will be done.

Dan McCoy

[1:39] Everything's sort of shaken down as, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] As someone who's out of touch would say.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] You know, I mean, I will say that, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[1:48] No, I mean, I was hoping you guys were going to explain it to me.

[1:50] Oh, okay.

[1:51] But we can talk about it after the show if you'd prefer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] Well, people need something to fill their lives, and so they've latched onto an intra-company argument between two hosts of different television shows.

[2:02] Yeah.

[2:02] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03] Um, Tiger Woods.

Dan McCoy

[2:04] What's the deal there?

[2:05] I mean, the only way this Conan thing will affect us is, uh, maybe, uh...

[2:09] Maybe if, uh, Conan, for some reason, comes back to New York, uh, we can get...

Elliott Kalan

[2:13] And asks to be on the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[2:15] Well, no, I was going to say, we can get writer Andre Dubouchet, the one person I know who's involved in that show, uh, to come on the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[2:22] Why not a couple people who work there?

[2:24] Good guys.

Stuart Wellington

[2:25] I don't know anyone involved in show business.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] No, I mean, but you're a games guy.

[2:29] Well, you know Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[2:30] Oh, yeah.

[2:30] Who?

[2:32] Elliot Cain.

[2:33] Right over here.

[2:33] Hey!

[2:34] He's to your immediate right.

[2:35] How you doing?

[2:36] Oh, with that little, the program he works for?

[2:38] Oh, yeah, that's on TV, right?

[2:39] Yeah, the Emmy-winning program that I work for.

[2:41] That I want an Emmy for.

[2:42] So, we're not going to talk about Tiger Woods.

[2:44] Is there any other current events we should talk about?

[2:47] These are the least current events.

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] So, that 2008 election, guys.

[2:52] What about the way that shook out in the end?

[2:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:55] Yeah.

[2:55] Stewart's still mad at the Florida voters for 2000.

[2:58] Yeah, what was the deal there?

Elliott Kalan

[3:01] Massive electoral problems.

Dan McCoy

[3:02] Uh-oh.

[3:03] Somebody's iPhone's going crazy.

[3:05] Yeah, blowing up all over the place.

[3:07] You know who else is blowing up?

[3:09] What?

[3:09] Miley Cyrus.

[3:10] Yeah.

[3:10] Oh, my God.

[3:11] I'm so sorry.

[3:11] What happened to her?

[3:13] What happened?

[3:14] She blew up.

[3:15] I knew she had enemies.

[3:17] She was visiting Northern Ireland.

[3:19] And, uh...

[3:20] Uh...

[3:21] Yeah, that's...

[3:22] She turned evidence on the mob.

Elliott Kalan

[3:24] And they...

[3:25] Wait, like the Irish mob?

[3:26] Okay, guys.

[3:27] Or like the mafia?

[3:28] Either one.

[3:28] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[3:29] Guys, I was trying to...

[3:29] I was trying to...

[3:30] I was trying to segue.

[3:32] Okay, into the...

[3:33] You bought a segue?

Elliott Kalan

[3:35] Dan, it's a fad.

[3:36] It's not...

[3:36] They're not going to reshape cities around them.

Dan McCoy

[3:37] It's going to revolutionize the way we get around.

[3:39] It's not.

[3:41] Well, time will tell.

[3:42] Time will tell which one of us is right.

[3:43] Time is told.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] Time is telling right now.

Stuart Wellington

[3:48] Speaking of time...

[3:49] I think it's time...

[3:50] We spent some time this evening...

[3:51] Talking about movies.

[3:53] Oh, yeah.

[3:54] And then we had some dinner, right?

Dan McCoy

[3:55] And this is the segue that's going to stick.

[3:57] That was a good segue.

[3:58] So we watched the Hannah Montana movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:01] Now...

[4:02] I think that was the kind of segue we really needed.

[4:04] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:05] Now, um...

[4:07] We all...

[4:08] None of us knew that much about Hannah Montana.

[4:10] I think that you and I...

[4:10] Speak for yourself.

[4:11] For some reason knew slightly more than Stuart.

[4:14] In that we knew that there was...

[4:16] We knew the basic premise.

[4:17] Yeah, there was this bifurcated life that Miley...

[4:21] I think that was in the pitch.

[4:22] That Miley Cyrus is leading.

Elliott Kalan

[4:23] It's original...

[4:24] They went to Disney and they said,

[4:25] We've got this idea for a show.

[4:26] This girl leads a bifurcated life.

[4:28] It was on the poster, I think.

Dan McCoy

[4:29] It's called My Bifurcated Life.

[4:32] And it stars Claire Danes.

Elliott Kalan

[4:34] And...

[4:34] They're like, wait!

[4:35] Claire Danes likes both girls and boys.

[4:37] Sounds awesome.

[4:38] It stars Claire Danes and Claire Danes.

[4:41] In a double role.

[4:42] Mm-hmm.

[4:43] And it's a remake of Multiplicity.

Stuart Wellington

[4:45] Are we talking about a slightly...

[4:46] Are we talking about like a slightly healthier,

[4:49] slightly beefier Claire Danes?

[4:51] Or like a really skinny, scary looking Claire Danes?

Elliott Kalan

[4:54] Maybe both.

[4:55] I don't know what you meant by beefier.

Dan McCoy

[4:57] Like, a little more meat on her bones.

[4:59] I actually don't know why we're spending so much time

[5:01] talking about Claire Danes.

[5:02] Because we don't have a lot of time talking about Hannah Montana.

[5:04] At all.

[5:04] Speak for yourself.

[5:06] So we knew that Hannah Montana, the story was that there's Miley Cyrus

[5:10] and she leads a double life as pop star Hannah Montana.

Elliott Kalan

[5:15] It's basically like Spider-Man, except instead of being a nerdy high school student

[5:20] who's also a superhero secretly, she's a kind of goofy high school student,

[5:24] or I guess middle school, I don't even know,

[5:26] who's also a huge pop star secretly.

[5:29] Yeah.

[5:30] So in this movie...

[5:31] And the only people who know that Hanny Montani and Miley Cyrus

[5:36] are the same person are her father, her best friend,

[5:39] and her manager slash keeper out of troubler.

Dan McCoy

[5:44] Speaking of Hanny Montani...

[5:45] Handler.

[5:46] I just want to...

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] Yeah, they're Chelsea Hanna.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] I just want to mention that Stuart and I were at the bar the other night

[5:50] with our friend Kurt, who pronounced it Hannah Montana.

[5:55] And he asked who Hannah Montana was these days.

[5:58] Apparently he thought it was a Minuto situation

[6:00] where they just kept cycling and knew Hannah Montana.

Elliott Kalan

[6:03] No, there's only one Hannah Montana.

[6:04] Her name is Miley Cyrus.

Dan McCoy

[6:05] Shh, don't tell anybody.

[6:07] I think he was assuming she was Germanic of some kind.

[6:11] Hannah Montana, the Teutonic pop star.

[6:15] Yeah.

[6:15] Pop sensation.

[6:17] But, so yeah, her friend knows, her manager knows,

[6:21] and Billy Ray Cyrus, her dad knows.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] Her friend Lily, her manager Vanessa Williams,

[6:25] and her dad Billy Ray Cyrus.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] Her friend Lily, played by Emily Osment,

[6:28] who I'm still convinced was just Haley Joel Osment in a girl's wig.

Stuart Wellington

[6:32] I have to call shenanigans because that was not Billy Ray Cyrus.

[6:37] Everyone kept calling him Robbie Ray.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] His character's name is Robbie Ray Cyrus.

Stuart Wellington

[6:41] So he played a character in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[6:43] Yes.

[6:44] Okay, that makes a lot more sense.

[6:46] This is like Earth 2, but the only difference is that instead of Billy Ray Cyrus,

[6:49] there's Robbie Ray Cyrus.

Elliott Kalan

[6:51] Yeah, it's Earth Robbie Ray.

Stuart Wellington

[6:53] So...

[6:54] And his song was like, don't put my heart back together,

[6:57] because it doesn't hurt.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] It was my sticky wicky heart.

[6:59] Oh, God.

[7:00] Sticky wicky heart.

[7:01] Don't touch my heart, my sticky wicky heart.

[7:03] Your hand's going to get stuck to my heart.

[7:06] It sounds actually pretty good.

[7:08] I don't know about the...

[7:08] It's a better song.

Dan McCoy

[7:09] I don't know about the meter of that.

[7:11] Like, the poetry of that is kind of awkward.

[7:13] He's not as good as...

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] He's not as good a songwriter as Billy Ray Cyrus.

[7:17] But dancing?

Dan McCoy

[7:19] Better.

[7:19] Don't get me started.

[7:20] Better, yeah.

[7:21] Yeah.

[7:22] On having a pointy soul patch?

[7:24] Better.

[7:25] He's the best at that.

Elliott Kalan

[7:25] He's also one quarter inch taller.

[7:28] Which you wouldn't notice, because Billy Ray Cyrus, knowing this,

[7:32] wears shoes with quarter inch lips.

[7:34] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[7:36] What an elaborate scheme to compete with this fictional alternative universe we've created.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] Parallel worlds are very competitive with each other.

Dan McCoy

[7:44] Well, anyway, Robbie Ray is very distressed at his daughter's...

[7:50] Miley Ray.

[7:52] The way she's behaving.

[7:53] Yes.

[7:54] She's become a real pop diva.

[7:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] And she's losing sight of her friends and her family.

[8:00] And what it means to be a modest, humble, God-fearing, straight, red state American.

Dan McCoy

[8:05] Mm-hmm.

[8:06] And so, to fix this, he knows that what she needs is a good old injection of country.

[8:14] Country living, right?

[8:15] Yeah.

[8:16] Rural type.

[8:17] Small town.

Stuart Wellington

[8:19] Like Bob Evans.

[8:20] Yeah.

[8:20] Where good people live.

[8:22] Yeah.

[8:22] Any town USA.

Elliott Kalan

[8:23] And he goes back in time with her to the 80s, to back when every movie had an evil real estate developer.

[8:31] Mm-hmm.

[8:31] As this film has a kind of...

[8:33] Played to a T by Barry Bostwick.

[8:35] And by T, you mean temporarily, because he disappears from the film after a certain point.

[8:42] Yeah.

[8:43] Barry, the over-scheduled Barry Bostwick.

Dan McCoy

[8:45] This happens with every, like, pseudo-villainous character the film has to offer, because there's

[8:50] also a British tabloid reporter intent on exposing the double life, or exposing the secret that

[8:57] Hannah Montana has.

[8:58] He doesn't know what it is.

[8:59] He just knows she has a secret.

[9:00] Yeah.

[9:00] But, I mean...

[9:01] And he disappears for the whole, like, last third of the movie until the very end as well.

[9:04] Well, because he's...

Stuart Wellington

[9:05] Yeah, I mean, he does...

[9:05] His arc does get completed.

[9:08] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[9:09] He, uh...

[9:09] Well, there are a couple different storylines going on here.

[9:11] There's Hannah Montana has to learn to be humble.

[9:14] Hannah Montana is falling in love for the first time with a...

[9:17] With a boy in her hometown.

[9:19] Mm-hmm.

[9:19] Okay.

[9:19] There's...

Dan McCoy

[9:19] Looks like a young Mormon.

Elliott Kalan

[9:21] Billy Ray Cyrus is falling in love with...

[9:23] What's her name from The Office?

[9:25] Jan Levinson Gould.

[9:26] Jan Levinson Gould.

[9:28] Michael Scott's crazy boss slash girlfriend.

[9:31] Sure.

[9:32] Former girlfriend, former boss.

[9:33] More attractive when she's crazy.

[9:35] Yes.

[9:36] And there's...

[9:36] Aren't they always, though, guys?

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] You know what I mean?

Elliott Kalan

[9:38] Mm-hmm.

[9:38] Not really.

[9:39] Nudge, nudge.

[9:41] Like?

[9:41] Eh?

[9:42] Fellas?

[9:43] Eh?

[9:44] Fellos?

[9:46] Sits back and lights a cigar.

[9:48] And also that the town has some open land that an evil real estate developer wants to build

[9:54] a mall on.

[9:55] Which would be terrible.

[9:56] Which would be terrible.

[9:57] And the town can't afford the taxes on the land.

[10:00] It's kind of unclear who owns this land and why.

[10:02] What was the land called again?

[10:03] It was called Crowley Meadows.

[10:05] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[10:05] For a second, I thought it was called Craven Meadows.

[10:07] That was all I could think of my head.

[10:08] That would be awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[10:09] The town is called Crowley Corners because I assume it was founded by Alistair Crowley as

[10:13] a free-live-free-love cult of Thelema.

[10:16] And why gateposts and above it carved in, do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the

[10:22] law.

[10:23] Which of course is the first rule of Thelema.

Stuart Wellington

[10:26] Well, you lost me there for a minute.

[10:28] I was thinking about all the...

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] I was just giving a tiny mini lecture on the wickedest man in the world.

Stuart Wellington

[10:32] I was thinking about how great it would be if that town had an Aunt Annie's pretzel.

[10:37] So you wish it was more like Penn Station.

[10:39] Like a Banana Republic.

[10:42] An Orange Julius.

[10:44] Yeah, you could get one of those Orange Julius things.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] It's weird that they're so anti-mall because in real life, so many of those towns now are

[10:52] just open stretches of road with houses and strip malls dotted around them.

[10:58] You know, they're fighting against having a mall right in the center of town when really

[11:04] urban sprawl is the problem that we have to deal with these days.

Stuart Wellington

[11:07] It is strange that these people don't understand.

[11:10] Why don't they just deal with it through zoning?

Elliott Kalan

[11:12] Well, that's the thing.

[11:13] You could make zoning rules that you can't build a structure that big.

[11:16] Maybe you can't build a multi-business platform building like that.

Dan McCoy

[11:18] Yeah, I mean, it seems like no one in Crowley Corners really wants this to happen, including

[11:23] the mayor.

[11:24] So surely they could pass something through.

Elliott Kalan

[11:26] Or just declare, just eminent, well, the mayor is, we don't know for sure.

[11:29] He could be in favor of it.

[11:30] But they could just call it eminent domain.

[11:32] But the mayor hosted a dinner from Hannah Montana.

[11:35] The mayor obviously just wanted attention and to associate himself with someone popular

[11:40] for the votes.

[11:41] He's corrupt.

[11:42] He's going to get thrown out of office.

[11:43] But think of all the tax dollars they could generate.

[11:45] The mayor also is wearing a medal around his neck of the type that Dracula would wear.

Stuart Wellington

[11:50] Yeah, he earned it by being Dracula, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[11:54] We kept waiting for the twist in the movie where it turns out the town is full of vampires.

[11:59] Or there's a tax order.

Stuart Wellington

[12:00] Oh, so it would be like a Malan paradigm shift where there'd be like the room would start

[12:05] spinning when she realizes that there are vampires.

Elliott Kalan

[12:07] There would be a zoom-in push-out on her face.

Stuart Wellington

[12:09] And then the cryptkeeper comes in laughing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:11] Well, Miley, die, Riss.

Dan McCoy

[12:14] By the way, an African-American mayor in a town almost entirely lacking in other African-Americans.

[12:23] It's the most tolerant small southern town that I've ever seen.

[12:27] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] It's a very tolerant town and very musical.

[12:29] Yeah.

[12:29] But I was going to say the other...

[12:30] I was kind of hoping the whole time that the plot of the movie would be that Hannah

[12:34] Montana and Miley Cyrus would start to war with each other.

[12:37] Two personalities in one body, one trying to destroy and conquer the other.

[12:42] Something kind of persona-y in a way about the merging and ambiguity of personality.

[12:48] How easy it is to lose sight of oneself.

Stuart Wellington

[12:49] Oh, like that movie Identity where everybody's fighting inside John Cusack's brain.

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] Yeah, that's a shittier version of it, yeah.

[12:55] But it didn't happen like that.

[12:56] Or like their identity.

[12:57] Identity.

[12:57] The movie where everything takes place in John Cusack's brain.

[13:00] But when you find out which personality is the killer, they still go back and show you

[13:04] the scenes of that person sneaking away and killing the other identities as if there is

[13:09] a physical reality in his brain.

Dan McCoy

[13:11] What a dumb movie.

[13:13] By the way, spoiler alert.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] Spoiler alert on an eight or nine year old movie that nobody liked that it came out.

[13:22] So anyway, Miley, you were saying about Hannah the Montana.

Dan McCoy

[13:27] She goes to this small town.

[13:30] She learns lessons about love.

[13:33] Lessons about herself and life.

Stuart Wellington

[13:35] Well, we know there's a crisis about this.

[13:38] On infinite earths.

[13:39] On this land.

[13:41] But are there any other crises?

Elliott Kalan

[13:42] Oh, and also the town's built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

[13:43] No, that's not part of it.

[13:44] Oh, God, really?

[13:45] I wish.

Dan McCoy

[13:46] You're reading subtext in the film again.

Elliott Kalan

[13:48] Dan, basically everything in America is built on an Indian burial ground.

[13:52] We killed a lot of Indians.

[13:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:53] You have to assume that Crowley Corner is probably...

[13:56] It's odd.

[13:56] I made that exact same joke in something once.

[13:59] These are the shows that are similar...

[14:02] Man, why don't you two get a room?

[14:04] Why don't you stop making out with each other?

Dan McCoy

[14:06] You want to get a room?

Elliott Kalan

[14:07] Yeah, sure.

[14:08] Where are we going?

[14:10] Vegas?

[14:11] Yeah.

[14:12] I think sharing rooms is a good idea.

[14:14] It would save us money and loneliness.

Stuart Wellington

[14:16] The Luxor, I recommend the Luxor.

[14:18] It looks like a giant pyramid.

[14:19] It's pretty cool.

[14:21] Yeah, the elevators travel kind of sideways.

[14:23] It's pretty awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[14:25] Then it wouldn't be an elevator.

[14:26] It would be a ladder later.

Stuart Wellington

[14:27] No, I'll explain.

[14:29] I'll draw you a diagram.

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] Okay, because it's not moving up or...

Stuart Wellington

[14:32] It'll make more sense when I draw it.

[14:35] Okay.

[14:36] So, what's going on with Miley Cyrus and this fella of hers?

[14:41] Well...

[14:42] Because there's...

[14:43] I mean, they immediately fall in love and everything's happy ever after.

Elliott Kalan

[14:46] Well, but it's hard for them to tell each other how they feel, especially when she's got

[14:50] this double life that she's keeping secret.

[14:52] Right.

[14:52] Also, they've got to finish painting that bird barn.

Dan McCoy

[14:55] And they did know each other when...

[14:56] It's a chicken coop, is it?

Elliott Kalan

[14:57] It's a chicken coop, but it looks...

[14:59] A bird barn.

[14:59] They keep calling it a barn.

[15:01] Oh.

[15:01] They don't call it a kook, which I thought was weird.

[15:03] Wasn't paying attention.

Dan McCoy

[15:04] They did know each other when Miley was but a wee lass.

[15:08] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] He called her Smiley Miley at the time.

[15:10] Yeah.

[15:10] Which he reminds her of.

Dan McCoy

[15:12] And that lands with her.

Elliott Kalan

[15:14] It's a very...

[15:15] I liked...

[15:15] It was a realistically awkward moment in which he says something that weirds her out a little

[15:20] bit.

[15:20] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] And she's like, that rhymes.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] Those are...

[15:24] That's a rhyme on my name.

[15:25] Oh, it was a subtle reference to Leanne Rimes.

Dan McCoy

[15:28] Yeah.

[15:29] Oh, speaking of Leanne Rimes, Taylor Swift shows up in the middle of this movie.

[15:32] She has a cameo, yeah.

[15:33] Yeah.

[15:33] And Amy Winehouse.

[15:35] No.

[15:35] Again, you're adding things that would have made the movie more interesting, but we're

[15:40] not there.

[15:40] And what's her name from the X-Ray Specs?

[15:43] No.

[15:44] Tyra Banks?

[15:45] Tyra Banks was in the movie.

[15:46] Tyra Banks was in it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] One of the signs that Miley Cyrus is getting a little too diva-y is that she and Tyra Banks

[15:52] get into a physical fight over a pair of shoes in a store in Beverly Hills.

Dan McCoy

[15:56] Yeah.

[15:57] Which Robbie Ray Cyrus refers to as a shoe fight.

[16:00] He says, you got into a shoe fight?

[16:02] As if shoe fight is a common phrase one would use every day.

[16:07] I sounded like I was in some sort of game show.

[16:11] It's a common phrase.

[16:12] One you would use every day.

Stuart Wellington

[16:15] Did you just do a flashback to something we just heard?

[16:19] God damn it, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[16:19] You didn't hear the do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Stuart Wellington

[16:22] So everything gets resolved really neatly right away, right?

[16:26] How does it all come together?

[16:27] No, there's complications.

[16:28] There's complications for reals?

[16:30] For reals.

[16:31] Okay, what happens?

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] Everything gets complicated.

[16:35] It's the kind of thing you can see where the movie is going the entire time.

[16:38] At some point, the boyfriend is going to learn her secret and be unhappy that she kept

[16:43] a secret from him and they're going to break up and then come back together.

[16:46] At some point, it's going to look like...

Stuart Wellington

[16:48] Two-age boys care a lot about things like that shit.

[16:51] Yes.

[16:51] Most of the time, they're just interested if the girl's pretty or not.

Dan McCoy

[16:54] They're really angry about a secret double life that existed before they had any sort

[17:01] of involvement with each other.

Elliott Kalan

[17:02] Let's say I'm a 15-year-old guy.

[17:04] I meet a girl I really like a lot.

[17:06] I knew her when we were younger.

[17:07] Now we're back together again.

[17:08] I find out that secretly, she is the most famous singer in America and super rich.

[17:14] I'm going to break up with her.

[17:15] That infuriates you.

[17:15] That sounds terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[17:16] Yep.

[17:17] I would absolutely not try to do something sexual with her to tell people.

[17:23] I wouldn't do that.

Dan McCoy

[17:24] No.

[17:24] I think that doesn't sound like you at all.

Stuart Wellington

[17:27] No, I would never do that.

Dan McCoy

[17:28] Well, let's say...

[17:29] I mean, to dissect the whole Hannah Montana premise for a little bit, I mean, there's a

[17:36] lot that just doesn't make sense.

[17:37] I mean, as I said, we don't know anything about the show.

[17:41] We aren't Hannah Montana scholars.

[17:43] Did they forge a birth certificate?

[17:46] But there's several problems.

[17:49] I mean, as you pointed out, Stuart...

Elliott Kalan

[17:49] I think they killed a girl of Hannah Montana's age and took her identity.

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] That's named Hannah Montana?

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:54] As you pointed out, Stuart, Miley Cyrus' dad is always hanging around Hannah Montana.

[18:00] How is that explained to people?

[18:02] Bodyguard.

[18:03] Boom.

[18:04] It just came off the tongue.

[18:05] At the beginning of the film, Hannah Montana can't get into her own concert.

[18:10] Apparently, she did not think of giving herself a backstage pass.

Elliott Kalan

[18:13] Well, it opens with her trying to...

[18:14] She's about to do a concert and she's late.

[18:16] Her and her friend try to get in by showing up at the box office and talking to the woman

[18:21] running the box office.

[18:22] And why she doesn't call her dad on the phone and say, like, hey, can you let us in the

[18:26] back?

[18:27] Or...

[18:27] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[18:28] Her phone died.

[18:29] It did die?

[18:30] Is that the explanation?

[18:30] I'm sure.

[18:31] Okay.

[18:32] Well, then why she doesn't have a pass?

[18:35] Why she doesn't show up as Hannah Montana so that she can just get in?

Dan McCoy

[18:40] Why she didn't introduce herself to a security guard and say, hey, uh...

[18:44] Well, she's got to keep her secret from security guard.

[18:45] Well, right.

[18:46] Robbie Ray.

[18:46] That was a bubbling fool.

Stuart Wellington

[18:47] It's an elaborate shell game.

Elliott Kalan

[18:50] They should have called this movie Duplicity 2, Hannah Montana.

[18:53] There's no...

Dan McCoy

[18:54] Well, but beyond that, there's no...

[18:55] To ride on the success of Duplicity 1.

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] ...of the hit blockbuster film Duplicity.

Dan McCoy

[19:00] Again, I'm sure they assume that anyone who bothered to watch the Hannah Montana movie

[19:04] is familiar with the show and thus doesn't need any explanation.

[19:07] And they're already on board.

[19:08] But I would appreciate that it being a movie, they would reset it to the degree of explaining

[19:14] why on earth she has to lead this double life in the first place.

Elliott Kalan

[19:17] A man in his early 30s would appreciate if the Hannah Montana movie was a little bit

[19:21] more logical.

Dan McCoy

[19:22] Say I'm an 11-year-old girl.

[19:25] I know it's hard to imagine that, Elliot, but do it.

[19:27] Sounds kind of gross.

Elliott Kalan

[19:27] It's not as hard as you would think.

Dan McCoy

[19:28] Say I'm an 11-year-old girl and I'm going to my first sleepover and I've never seen the

[19:34] Hannah Montana TV show.

[19:36] You've never seen the Hannah Montana show?

[19:38] You gotta.

[19:39] Oh my God, it's so good.

[19:40] Well, it's great because we've got the Hannah Montana movie right here.

[19:42] Let's show you the Hannah Montana movie.

[19:43] Your parents probably don't let you watch TV.

[19:44] Wait a minute.

[19:45] What the fuck?

[19:46] What's going on?

[19:47] I'm a really...

[19:48] I'm a very sweary 11-year-old girl.

[19:50] What the fuck?

[19:50] What's happening?

[19:51] Why is this girl leading a double life rather than just enjoying the fruits of her pop stardom?

[19:56] I don't want to be friends with you anymore.

[19:58] Wow.

[19:58] See?

[19:59] See?

[19:59] Hannah Montana is ruining relationships.

[20:02] Ruining children's lives.

Elliott Kalan

[20:04] Let's forget it.

[20:04] Fast forward to the end of the movie.

[20:07] Hannah Montana is doing a benefit concert to save Crowley Meadows.

Stuart Wellington

[20:12] Why doesn't she just...

[20:12] I mean, she's a super pop star.

[20:14] Why doesn't she just pay for it?

Elliott Kalan

[20:16] That's a good question.

[20:17] Well, you know, I think she could be a tax write-off and everything.

[20:20] Yeah, I know.

[20:21] In order to...

[20:22] She can't live this double life anymore.

[20:24] She can't lie to her family anymore.

[20:25] So she unmasks, which in this case means unwigging, and in front of the whole crowd that's there...

[20:32] Oh, my God.

[20:32] Like wigging out?

[20:33] No, no, no.

[20:34] Taking her wig off.

[20:35] Oh.

[20:36] And her vest for some reason.

Stuart Wellington

[20:37] Well, the vest was to Hannah.

[20:40] All right.

[20:41] That's not something that Miley would wear.

Dan McCoy

[20:42] Well, when you've been living a double life for so long, you really split off.

[20:47] I guess so.

[20:48] Like there are certain signifiers that you just gotta shed.

Stuart Wellington

[20:52] And that's really one of the things that's most impressive about Miley Cyrus' performance.

[20:55] She just changed.

[20:56] She's really two completely different people.

[20:58] Oh, yeah.

[20:59] Chameleon.

[20:59] It's like Andy Serkis, Gollum, and Smeagol, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[21:03] This is Dead Ringers.

[21:04] This is Jeremy Irons and Dead Ringers.

[21:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:06] You always know which twin he's playing.

Elliott Kalan

[21:09] Yeah.

[21:09] You always know which one she's playing.

[21:10] Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana.

[21:12] And it doesn't have to do with the fact that they have different color hair.

[21:15] No.

[21:15] It's due to the fact that they're just completely different people.

Stuart Wellington

[21:17] Yeah.

[21:18] Two truly different characters.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] Like Hannah Montana is like a kind of crazy, kind of goofy pop star.

[21:23] And Miley Cyrus is like a kind of crazy, kind of goofy everyday teen.

Stuart Wellington

[21:28] But she lacks the confidence that Hannah Montana has.

[21:30] Exactly.

[21:31] Because she's not a world famous pop star.

Elliott Kalan

[21:33] Because she's wearing a mask as Hannah Montana.

[21:35] And by mask, I mean wig.

[21:36] Because her face looks exactly the same.

[21:38] Yeah.

[21:38] But anyway, she unwigs at the concert and says, I can't live a lie anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[21:44] I think it would be cooler if she wore a mask, though.

[21:46] That would be a much cooler pop diva.

[21:48] It would be great.

[21:49] Yeah.

[21:49] Yeah, like a weird like...

[21:50] Well, that's more like Lady Gaga there.

[21:52] That's nothing wrong with that.

Dan McCoy

[21:54] There's the theatricality.

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] Sounds like Lady Mask mask.

[21:57] Yeah.

[21:59] Okay, keep going.

[22:00] Anyway, so...

[22:00] I'm there.

[22:01] I'm there.

[22:01] So, she does that and she says, well, now I can't be Hannah Montana anymore.

[22:05] And a little girl who has faith in Hannah Montana says that they will keep her secret for her.

[22:10] And the whole crowd agrees, except for the British paparazzo who takes a picture of her putting the wig back on.

[22:17] Reappeared.

[22:17] Who has reappeared out of nowhere after having gotten eaten hot chili and fallen, slipped on walnuts and fallen in the woods.

[22:24] There's a lot of slapstick pratfalls in this movie.

[22:29] To the point where you expect characters to be paralyzed.

[22:32] And also ferrets running up people's legs and into their pants.

Dan McCoy

[22:35] Yeah.

[22:36] Hannah Montana's brother has a ferret.

[22:38] Which causes so many shenanigans.

[22:40] Lots of shenanigans.

[22:40] I like ferrets in Beastmaster.

[22:42] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[22:44] Or the movie A Boy and His Ferret.

[22:45] That doesn't mean it's been destroyed by Harlan Ellison.

Dan McCoy

[22:48] Logically, that doesn't mean that any film with ferrets is enjoyable.

[22:52] Wrong.

[22:52] Every movie.

[22:54] Oh, okay.

[22:55] Thanks for explaining that to me, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] That makes a lot more sense now.

[22:59] See, I'm more of a Beastmaster 2 through the portal of time guy.

[23:01] But anyway, that's me.

[23:05] Oh, yeah.

[23:06] So, anyway, the paparazzo takes a picture.

[23:08] Everyone chases him.

[23:09] They convince him to not give it away to the tabloid magazine because his daughters are big fans of Hannah Montana.

[23:15] Hannah Montana goes out and does her show.

[23:17] He quits his job, I think.

[23:18] And he quits his job, too.

Dan McCoy

[23:19] Yeah, and Hannah Montana doesn't even bother to give him a job as a publicist.

[23:23] The print is dead.

Elliott Kalan

[23:24] She knew that he was going to be out on his butt soon anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[23:27] How is he going to pay to fly his two daughters back to England?

Elliott Kalan

[23:32] I guess they're living here now.

Stuart Wellington

[23:34] I mean, I guess they're going to have to.

[23:35] How is he going to pay for their room and board and stuff?

[23:39] Because, I mean, he just quit his job.

[23:40] Yeah.

[23:41] Yeah.

[23:41] And he was kind of inept at it in the first place.

[23:43] So, he probably didn't have that much money.

Dan McCoy

[23:44] No, he didn't get any money.

[23:45] Again, this is a problem that I have with the whole Hannah Montana basic premise.

[23:49] Like, I understand why the paparazzo wants to know this.

[23:53] Like, how this would be a big, like, scoop for him.

[23:56] Like, oh, this pop star actually has this secret identity.

[23:59] And I am breaking the story.

[24:01] However...

Elliott Kalan

[24:01] And she's all, they'll never guess my secret identity.

[24:06] Like that.

Dan McCoy

[24:06] Yeah, she's singing about it.

[24:07] Yeah.

[24:07] But, uh...

[24:08] Jerry O'Connell shows up.

Stuart Wellington

[24:09] Although, most of her songs do feature a lot of illusions to the fact that she's two people.

Elliott Kalan

[24:14] I was thinking, she sings a lot of songs about how great it is to be a regular girl who's

[24:18] also a pop star.

[24:19] So, you'd think that people would put two and two together.

[24:22] Maybe they think it's like a Billy Joel Bruce Springsteen-like song story.

[24:25] Like...

Stuart Wellington

[24:25] Well, like a Bruce Willis and that Bruno personality he adopts.

[24:30] Yeah, that is.

Dan McCoy

[24:30] Well, but I'm saying that I understand why it's important to, like, the journalist.

[24:35] I mean, we all saw, you know, how big that Chris Gaines story was when it broke that he

[24:41] was actually Garth Brooks.

[24:42] But, uh...

[24:43] But I don't understand why Vanessa Williams is like, your whole career will be ruined

[24:49] if the secret comes out.

[24:50] Chris Gaines is Garth Brooks.

[24:52] Oh, it shatters so many illusions to my head.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] Wait, you mean Chris Gaines, who only recorded one album and whose songs are usually performed

[24:58] by Garth Brooks in his stage shows?

[25:01] They're the same guy?

[25:04] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[25:05] Smash pops.

[25:05] Next thing you're gonna tell me is that, uh, that Richard Bachman's like, what, like,

[25:09] Dean Kuntz or somebody?

[25:10] Close.

[25:10] Very close.

Dan McCoy

[25:13] Keep looking at the clues, Stuart.

[25:16] Some nails, I've heard.

Stuart Wellington

[25:19] Okay, I guess I'll go back to Wikipedia.

[25:23] You guys finish the show.

Elliott Kalan

[25:23] Stuart is sitting at home cutting pages out of Richard Bachman novels, piecing them together

[25:27] trying to get the clues.

[25:28] It has to be in here somewhere.

[25:30] Everyone encodes their true identity in their work.

[25:33] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[25:35] All these illusions to Castle Rock.

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] That's how I learned that Beatrix Potter also wrote the story of O.

[25:47] So anyway, yeah, why would it be such a big deal to her fans that she has a secret identity?

[25:52] I have no idea.

Dan McCoy

[25:54] There's some things that I just can't explain.

[25:56] Why does she really need a secret identity?

Elliott Kalan

[25:58] The important thing is, in the end, everything works out.

[26:01] Yeah.

[26:02] She needs a secret identity so she can have the best of both worlds, as explained in her

[26:05] first song and opening number, The Best of Both Worlds.

Dan McCoy

[26:08] I guess you're right.

[26:09] Yeah, it does work out because she sings her benefit concert.

Stuart Wellington

[26:13] Thanks, Aaron, for bringing it back to the music.

[26:15] That's what's...

Elliott Kalan

[26:15] That's what...

[26:16] There are a lot of songs in this movie, and they're all very generic and bland.

[26:19] Yeah, that's what it's all about.

[26:20] And she has one, her big song that she sings with her pop about butterflies and flying

[26:25] away that sounds a lot like that...

[26:26] Landslide.

[26:28] Landslide a coming down song.

[26:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:30] By the Fleetwood Mac.

Elliott Kalan

[26:31] The Fleetwood Mac.

[26:32] The Fleetwood Mac.

[26:33] How she sees her reflection in a snow-covered hill.

[26:35] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[26:36] That was cocaine.

[26:38] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] Spoiler alert.

[26:39] I didn't realize.

[26:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:42] Metaphor alert.

Elliott Kalan

[26:43] I guess I never really cared enough to find out.

Stuart Wellington

[26:46] So, anywho...

Elliott Kalan

[26:49] It was kind of like a white-winged dove, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[26:52] Yeah.

[26:53] Yeah, she looks like she's about 17.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] That's all you care about, Stuart?

[26:58] No, no, no.

[26:59] That's that song.

[27:00] The White Wing Dove.

Stuart Wellington

[27:02] Edge of 17 by Fleetwood Mac.

[27:04] Well, no.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] It was just a Stevie Nicks solo song, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] No.

[27:08] What is Stevie Nicks?

[27:09] Yeah, I'll check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] Wikipedia that.

[27:11] Okay.

[27:11] And then look up Richard Bachman.

Stuart Wellington

[27:12] Don't really Wikipedia it.

[27:13] So you want me to Wikipedia a witchy woman?

Elliott Kalan

[27:18] But there's a lot of songs and they're not very good.

[27:20] Stevie Ray Vaughan?

[27:21] Yeah.

[27:21] Okay.

[27:24] Anything else?

[27:26] Yeah, what else is going on in this movie?

[27:28] Not much.

[27:28] It's very...

[27:29] It was like...

[27:30] This is a very mainstream nothing movie that...

[27:34] Yeah.

[27:35] It didn't have the craziness that the Bratz movie would occasionally have.

Stuart Wellington

[27:38] Yeah.

[27:38] I was a little nervous going in because this is a movie where one person has to live in two worlds and she plays two roles.

[27:46] It's too close to home?

[27:47] Well, in part, yes.

[27:49] It was going to make me very nervous because I didn't want you guys to find out.

[27:54] I'm not going to keep talking about this because I might give up more than I should.

[27:57] No, no, no.

[27:57] It's okay.

[27:58] We want you...

[27:58] But there was a...

[27:59] I was worried that there was going to be a...

[28:02] That there wouldn't be a sequence where she has to be both people at the exact same time.

[28:08] In two completely different places.

Elliott Kalan

[28:09] If she has two dinners that are both set at the same time.

[28:12] Right.

[28:13] Two early afternoon dinners.

Stuart Wellington

[28:15] That you couldn't possibly move for any reason.

[28:17] Absolutely not.

Elliott Kalan

[28:17] Well, one was a big lobster dinner with the mayor and her family.

[28:21] With the Count Mayor.

[28:22] Count Mayor.

[28:23] Mayor Dracula.

[28:24] And the other was at a local restaurant across the street from the mayor's office with her beau.

[28:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:32] Now, how...

[28:34] I mean, that's crazy.

[28:35] She's going to have to, like, both go to both dinners and at the same time dodge all of her crazy fans.

[28:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:41] And she's going to somehow have to run across that street several times.

[28:43] And change wigs.

[28:45] Mm-hmm.

[28:46] Perhaps in a supply closet.

[28:48] It's kind of weird.

Stuart Wellington

[28:49] She's got, like, her own personal makeup artist best friend.

[28:52] Yeah.

[28:52] Like, it's not like she needs that much work.

[28:54] I mean, it's pretty simple.

[28:55] Like, she just puts on a wig and puts on some makeup.

[28:57] Well, apparently...

[28:57] And puts on a shorter skirt.

Dan McCoy

[28:58] Yeah, well, apparently the makeup is actually fantastic.

[29:01] And we're just not getting it, even through the medium of Blu-ray.

[29:04] Oh, well, she's...

[29:04] Because no one can tell Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are the same person.

[29:09] She's painting LSD so potent that...

Elliott Kalan

[29:11] I see.

[29:11] And it just goes into the pores of people.

[29:13] It radiates in waves.

[29:14] Yeah, look at people.

Stuart Wellington

[29:15] It's like she's got, like, Rick Baker doing her effects.

[29:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:18] Wouldn't Hannah Montana be tripping then?

[29:21] No, her face has been...

[29:22] Her skin has been laminated.

Dan McCoy

[29:23] Oh, okay.

[29:24] I thought that maybe she built up an immunity over the years.

Elliott Kalan

[29:27] But it's not Iocane powder, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[29:29] No, I just thought that maybe, you know, her early concerts were, like, you know, seven-hour jam affairs.

[29:36] Because she was so high.

[29:37] But then later on, she just, you know...

[29:39] The inoffensive pop came in later when she got used to the drugs.

Elliott Kalan

[29:44] The psychedelia got taken out.

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:47] I think after she turned 14.

[29:49] I'll tell you one thing.

Stuart Wellington

[29:49] Yeah, I kind of prefer that, to be honest.

[29:51] I mean...

[29:52] You know, it's a little more family-friendly.

[29:54] You like her later works?

[29:56] Yeah, absolutely.

[29:57] Wait, she had earlier works?

[30:00] Well, I said...

[30:01] So...

Dan McCoy

[30:01] The show went on for several years, so I guess so.

Elliott Kalan

[30:04] Is it not still on anymore?

Dan McCoy

[30:05] I think that this put a cap on the whole Anna Montana thing.

[30:09] I may be wrong.

[30:09] Put a cap in her act.

[30:11] Eh?

[30:12] This is the punctuation.

Elliott Kalan

[30:14] This is the exclamation point on what was an amazing sentence.

[30:17] This is the X-Files fight the future.

[30:19] Mm-hmm.

[30:19] Of the series, I guess.

[30:21] Well, I mean, Miley Cyrus performs as herself now.

[30:25] Yes.

[30:25] And Billy Connolly's in it?

[30:26] Well, that was...

[30:28] What was the...

[30:29] I thought Fight the Future was the first one.

[30:31] Yeah, Fight the Future was the first one.

[30:32] I wasn't paying them.

[30:33] What's the second one?

[30:34] Trust No One or something?

Dan McCoy

[30:35] It was...

[30:36] The X-Files, this movie's shitty.

[30:39] It's weird they would call it that in the title.

[30:42] Opinions.

[30:42] Well, anyway, this...

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] The movie...

[30:48] I mentioned this while we were watching it.

[30:49] The movie struck me as the kind of movie you would see in, like, the mid-60s if there

[30:52] was, like, a pop sensation who had a hit record and some smaller low-budget studio or maybe

[30:59] even Disney's live-action arm, which it was in this case, decides to build a movie around

[31:04] her where they're like, we need her to sing a certain number of songs.

[31:06] She's got to have some wacky scenes.

[31:08] The characters are going to do pratfalls.

[31:10] It's going to be inoffensive and we'll make it quickly.

[31:13] And it won't be very good.

[31:15] And if you have trouble...

[31:16] There's a throwback.

Stuart Wellington

[31:16] If you have trouble filling time, we'll throw in some additional characters who have bits

[31:21] where, like, an animal might bite them on the ass.

[31:24] Exactly.

[31:24] Or, like, there might be, like, a fart or a dog, a bloodhound doing a double-take or something.

Elliott Kalan

[31:29] That bloodhound, they kept cutting to it as if...

[31:32] Or they cut to it a couple times as if it was going to do a double-take and it never did.

Stuart Wellington

[31:34] Yeah, I was fucking holding on to the edge of my seat here.

[31:37] Yeah.

[31:37] And barely did a single take.

[31:39] I know.

Elliott Kalan

[31:39] You thought this was a Roger Moore, James Bond movie, but then nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[31:42] Nothing at all.

[31:43] But there was a sequence where a young child, or young man, I guess, gets attacked by an

[31:49] alligator in a swamp.

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] And it's supposed to be...

[31:51] He's like a zookeeper, even though he's probably about 14 years old.

Stuart Wellington

[31:56] I think that's probably fair.

Elliott Kalan

[31:58] But he gets...

[31:59] He's...

[32:00] An alligator bites him, and the kids who are...

[32:03] He's touring around at the zoo are all laughing, and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dan McCoy

[32:07] But it's like, no, you are in serious danger.

[32:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:11] That is a man-eater.

[32:12] Yeah.

[32:12] It will probably drown you first.

[32:14] Yeah.

[32:14] It'll take you underwater and drown you.

Elliott Kalan

[32:16] At the best-case scenario, it rips a chunk of flesh out of your posterior, and you get

[32:20] to a doctor in time that he can stop the bleeding.

Stuart Wellington

[32:23] Yeah, and possibly do some kind of a butt graft.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] And you better hope it's not like, if a Komodo dragon bites you, the bacteria in its mouth

[32:30] will kill you.

[32:31] It's toxic there.

[32:31] You better hope this alligator isn't on the same problem.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] It's not like part Komodo dragon, Elliot.

[32:35] Well, no.

Elliott Kalan

[32:36] I'm just saying it's an issue that you might have to think about.

[32:38] Yeah, there may be a reptile.

[32:40] Are you just trying to talk...

Stuart Wellington

[32:41] Are you trying to show off how much you know about Komodo dragons?

Elliott Kalan

[32:43] Yes, I'm just trying to show off how much I know about Komodo dragons.

[32:45] It's the one thing I know about them.

Dan McCoy

[32:47] It's like a swamp.

[32:48] I mean, you don't know what's in that water.

[32:50] You get like a staph infection.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] Speaking of which, he seemed to be the only staff member at that zoo.

[32:56] What's the deal?

[32:57] Whoa!

[32:58] How fun.

[32:59] That's how you segue.

[33:00] Into a dead end.

Stuart Wellington

[33:02] Who staffs that zoo when they're not living down there?

[33:05] When they're living back in L.A.?

[33:07] I think the zoo shuts down.

[33:08] Oh, yeah.

[33:08] And the animals roam free across Tennessee.

[33:11] Okay, that makes sense.

[33:12] In the great field that will someday become a mall.

[33:16] Hopefully.

[33:16] We can only hope.

[33:17] Yeah.

[33:19] So they win the day.

Dan McCoy

[33:22] The mall isn't built.

[33:23] Uh-huh.

[33:24] Miley Cyrus sings three songs and then drives off in a truck through the crowd.

Stuart Wellington

[33:29] She gets to kiss her boyfriend.

[33:31] Does she?

Dan McCoy

[33:31] I don't even remember that.

Stuart Wellington

[33:32] Yeah, they kiss behind the...

[33:34] Oh, okay.

[33:35] You know, relatively short.

[33:37] I mean, it's...

[33:38] They left a fair amount of space between them.

Dan McCoy

[33:40] I just...

[33:40] I mean, like, this is...

[33:41] I know that...

[33:42] I...

[33:43] Don't get me wrong.

[33:43] I don't want to hold Miley Cyrus.

[33:45] You're allowed one kiss.

Elliott Kalan

[33:46] It's a chaste movie.

Dan McCoy

[33:47] Whoa, whoa.

[33:47] You're like...

[33:48] You're in another room.

[33:49] You ran back in.

[33:50] You ran back in to immediately just interrupt what I was saying.

Elliott Kalan

[33:53] I just wanted to defend the innocent act of kissing.

[33:55] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[33:56] There was a fair number of...

[33:57] I thought you just couldn't resist running into...

[33:59] To interrupt you?

[34:00] ...in the middle of the scene.

Stuart Wellington

[34:01] There was a fair number of Miley Cyrus, like, shaking her hair in the wind in slow motion

[34:07] shots.

Elliott Kalan

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:08] Well, this was also...

[34:09] This movie was based on a shampoo commercial.

Stuart Wellington

[34:12] Oh, wait.

[34:12] For real?

[34:13] Which one?

[34:14] Prell?

Elliott Kalan

[34:14] It was either Prell or...

[34:16] What's the one where the women climax while they're washing their hair?

Dan McCoy

[34:19] Oh, uh...

[34:19] Prell.

[34:21] No, it was, like, organic.

[34:23] Herbal Essence.

[34:24] Herbal Essence.

Elliott Kalan

[34:24] No, it wasn't that one.

Dan McCoy

[34:25] Yeah.

[34:26] Okay, it wasn't that one.

Elliott Kalan

[34:27] What's the one where they put, uh, where they put it in their hair and it changes color?

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] Wait, is that the one that's, like, tingling on one side and not on the other?

Elliott Kalan

[34:36] That's a different one, but it's not that one either.

[34:38] Okay.

[34:38] What's the one...

[34:39] I guess it was a hair color, coloring thing that Elaine Bennis used to do ads for.

[34:42] All right.

[34:43] Okay, so...

[34:44] It wasn't that one either.

[34:44] The fact that we're talking about shampoo commercials...

Dan McCoy

[34:47] You wanted to say something about Hannah Montana.

[34:48] No, I was just going to say...

[34:50] I know...

[34:50] Don't get me wrong.

[34:51] I don't want this movie to end with a full Miley Cyrus concert.

[34:56] However, it does irritate me in movies where they have, like, a concert or something, and

[35:02] because of the time constraints of it being a movie, they're like, well, we're going to

[35:05] play two songs, and then the concert's over, and there's no, like, time dash in between.

[35:10] It's just like, well, we saw you come out on stage, and we're seeing you leave, and I

[35:15] want the audience to riot at that point.

[35:17] We paid $500 to come see this Miley Cyrus concert.

Stuart Wellington

[35:21] It seems like everybody who's at the concert lives in the town.

[35:24] So, like, if they care that much about the fucking town, why do they need a Hannah Montana concert

[35:29] for them to pay?

[35:30] They just donate the money.

[35:31] Yeah, like, it just doesn't make sense.

Elliott Kalan

[35:33] I think a lot of those people wanted that mall built.

Stuart Wellington

[35:35] Yeah?

[35:36] Oh, but they...

Elliott Kalan

[35:37] They didn't realize this was a fundraiser, and they felt gypped, or tricked afterwards.

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] Yeah, don't...

[35:41] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[35:42] Yeah, I didn't mean to slur gypsies.

Stuart Wellington

[35:44] Thank you.

[35:45] Or Roma, as they prefer.

[35:47] Romani?

Elliott Kalan

[35:49] Oh, like Ray Romani, like Everybody Loves Raymond.

[35:51] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[35:52] Yeah, just like that guy.

[35:54] So, the people were pretty happy, though, that she only did two songs.

[36:01] They were all cheering as she drove away.

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] Well, it seemed to be why they were cheering, yeah.

[36:04] Yeah.

[36:05] They were throwing themselves under the wheels of the truck as it was leaving.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] I guess they were so angry that she turned out to be a brunette that they just wanted

[36:11] it to be over.

[36:13] Yeah, brunettes are grosser.

[36:14] Yeah.

[36:15] I disagree.

[36:16] Anyway.

[36:17] No, I disagree, too, but...

[36:19] For the sake of comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[36:20] Oh, okay.

[36:21] Yeah, then we all agree.

[36:22] We all agree.

[36:22] For the sake of comedy.

Stuart Wellington

[36:23] But, I mean, that's the whole point, right?

[36:24] Is that...

[36:25] For the sake of comedy?

[36:26] No.

[36:28] God.

[36:28] For the love of Benji.

[36:30] It's because of the...

[36:31] Like, that's why she's blonde when she's Hannah Montana, right?

[36:34] Because they have more fun?

[36:35] Yeah, absolutely.

[36:36] Sure.

[36:38] And she has bangs.

Elliott Kalan

[36:39] I think it's that in real life, Miley Cyrus has brown hair.

[36:41] So, Hannah Montana just had to have different hair.

[36:43] Should be jet black, with like a blue streak in it.

Stuart Wellington

[36:46] That would be kind of awesome.

[36:47] Mm-hmm.

[36:48] A DVD with a film blue streak.

[36:51] Braided in.

Elliott Kalan

[36:53] Right in her hair, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:55] Guys, let's...

[36:56] I would prefer Black Knight.

[36:57] Is that possible?

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] As long as Mr. Lawrence is in it.

Dan McCoy

[37:03] Big Mama's house.

[37:04] They're all good.

[37:05] Pretty much my requirement.

[37:05] Nothing to lose.

Stuart Wellington

[37:08] Oh, man.

[37:09] Okay, so I think we're pretty much done with this.

[37:12] Yeah, let's put a...

[37:13] They made a movie of Martin?

Elliott Kalan

[37:15] Well, they really didn't really.

[37:16] There is a movie called Martin, but it's not based on the TV show.

Dan McCoy

[37:20] A movie about a confused boy who thinks he might be a vampire.

[37:24] Yeah.

[37:25] Anyway, let's go on to Final Judgment...

[37:27] Dedeba.

[37:29] Final Judgment.

[37:29] Final Dudgemodeba.

[37:31] That's what we call it now.

[37:32] The categories are, as always,

[37:35] was this a good-bad movie,

[37:36] a bad-bad movie,

[37:38] or a movie that you actually kind of liked?

[37:41] Stuart, what do you have to say about it?

Stuart Wellington

[37:44] I think I'm going to put it on the line between bad-bad movie and good-bad movie.

[37:48] It was relatively light.

[37:50] It moved quickly.

[37:51] There was a whole bunch of pratfalls,

[37:53] as we've already pointed out.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] There was one very genuinely funny piece of physical comedy,

[37:58] in my opinion.

Stuart Wellington

[37:58] Yeah.

[37:59] It involved a plate break.

[38:01] I mean, it's not great.

[38:03] It's not like,

[38:03] hey, let's watch this and laugh.

[38:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:06] I also like to joke about a lobster bib.

[38:09] She was at a lobster dinner,

[38:10] and she had to run across to her boyfriend's dinner,

[38:13] and she still had the lobster bib on,

[38:15] and he's like,

[38:16] why do you have that?

[38:17] And she's like,

[38:17] because I plan to order lobster!

[38:20] It's just this huge, goofy hand motion.

[38:22] Then it's kind of funny.

Stuart Wellington

[38:23] And I think it's funny,

[38:25] because she's also wearing a completely different outfit

[38:28] than the one she was wearing,

[38:29] that normally had the lobster bib.

[38:30] Like, it was some kind of cartoon,

[38:32] and she just threw all the clothes in the air,

[38:34] and then landed on her.

Elliott Kalan

[38:35] I'm surprised they didn't have a thing

[38:37] where people try to get at her and jump at her,

[38:39] and she sneaks out from underneath the pile of people.

[38:41] Yeah, right.

[38:42] And they keep, you know, fighting or whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[38:44] I mean, the closest thing they did to that

[38:46] was she snuck under a table with a tablecloth,

[38:49] and the table's, like, moving through the room,

[38:51] and somebody acknowledges it,

[38:52] but doesn't really say anything.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] Yeah, someone is like...

[38:55] I think it was the mayor.

Stuart Wellington

[38:58] The mayor has a look on his face like,

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] that's weird that that table's moving,

[39:01] but I guess I won't investigate.

[39:03] Yeah.

[39:04] So what do you say, Elliot?

[39:05] I kind of agree with Stuart.

[39:06] I feel like it was one of those things

[39:07] where it wasn't...

[39:08] It was not a particularly good movie,

[39:10] but it was not a painful movie,

[39:12] but we were just not the audience for it.

[39:13] Like, I'm sure this is a good movie for,

[39:16] you know, 13-year-old girls,

[39:18] but for us it just wasn't going to do the job.

[39:20] But it wasn't like 10,000 B.C.,

[39:23] where we couldn't stand sitting through it.

Stuart Wellington

[39:26] Where there's no audience for that movie.

[39:29] No, there isn't.

Elliott Kalan

[39:30] No.

[39:30] Yeah, I...

[39:31] Except people who want to hunt manics.

Dan McCoy

[39:33] Or as we call them, mammoths.

[39:35] Spear-tooth.

[39:36] Yeah, I agree with you guys.

[39:38] Like, I feel like it kind of falls

[39:39] outside of the categories,

[39:41] because what I would say about it is

[39:44] it's inoffensive.

[39:45] Like, it's...

[39:45] Yeah.

[39:46] It's like you say about the,

[39:48] you know, like, movies from the 60s.

[39:50] Like, you know,

[39:51] it's appropriate that this is a Disney production

[39:53] because it feels like it could be, like,

[39:55] the Million Dollar Duck or something like that.

[39:58] You know?

[39:58] Is that a movie?

[39:59] Like, Dean Jones could be in it or something.

[40:02] So...

Elliott Kalan

[40:02] Or like Hayley Mills.

[40:03] Yeah.

[40:04] It's not a movie...

[40:05] No, I want to see Dean Jones play in a monster.

[40:07] And Kurt Russell as Miley Cyrus.

[40:11] Yep.

[40:12] But yeah, it's very inoffensive and not...

[40:15] It's not particularly irritating,

[40:17] but it's not particularly entertaining.

[40:19] Yeah.

[40:20] You know, if you're not on the same wavelength as it.

[40:22] So I would say don't bother renting it

[40:24] unless you are the age group it is meant for.

[40:26] And gender group.

Dan McCoy

[40:27] So I have some good letters here.

Stuart Wellington

[40:30] Moving on.

[40:32] Wait, did he give his?

[40:33] Yeah.

[40:33] Yeah, he just did.

[40:34] Okay, I wasn't paying attention.

Dan McCoy

[40:37] I was looking at my phone, I think.

[40:38] Keep up.

[40:39] So I have some good letters here.

[40:41] First one is titled Wolverine.

[40:44] I like it already.

[40:45] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[40:46] I like where it's going.

[40:48] It's from Jen Last Name With Hell.

[40:50] It's from Logan Last Name With Hell.

[40:52] Hey, bub.

[40:53] It starts.

Stuart Wellington

[40:54] It says, uh...

[40:56] All the way from Madripoor.

[40:58] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] I was listening to that episode again the other day

[41:00] and we were talking about Madripoor for a while

[41:02] and Dan said,

[41:03] let's not talk about this anymore.

[41:05] Something like that.

[41:06] Yeah.

[41:06] All right.

Dan McCoy

[41:08] As I said, it's from Jen Last Name With Hell.

[41:10] Jen is a long-time listener.

[41:12] First-time writer.

[41:13] A big supporter.

[41:14] No, she's written before, I think.

[41:15] Oh, well, that's very nice.

[41:16] Thanks for supporting us.

[41:18] She says,

[41:18] so how many emails did you get

[41:20] from female comic book readers

[41:21] after the last episode?

[41:22] I'm guessing at least a couple

[41:23] because there's probably

[41:24] quite a bit of overlap

[41:26] between that population

[41:27] and your female listeners.

[41:28] Or maybe it's just me

[41:30] and I'm a freak after all.

[41:32] Now, we actually didn't get any letters.

[41:35] This is either because

[41:36] we're not popular enough

[41:37] to get outraged letters.

[41:39] Check.

[41:39] Or because our readers,

[41:42] our readers,

[41:43] our listeners,

[41:44] we're lucky enough.

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] For the deaf,

[41:46] we do have a transcript

[41:49] that goes on.

[41:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:49] If you want a transcript,

[41:51] please write to PO Box 805-FLOP.

Elliott Kalan

[41:55] I forget where the joke comes from,

[41:56] but somewhere they joke.

[41:57] If you want a transcript

[41:58] of this program,

[41:59] watch it again

[42:00] and type very fast

[42:01] or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[42:02] No, but we're also lucky enough

[42:05] to have listeners

[42:06] who I think understand

[42:08] that 90% of the sexism

[42:10] on the show is a put-on

[42:12] and the other 10%

[42:13] comes from Stuart.

[42:15] But only 10% for real?

[42:18] Continuing,

[42:20] she says...

[42:21] You've got to pick your numbers up.

[42:22] I know.

[42:23] She doesn't know that.

[42:32] She doesn't know that.

[42:35] Yeah, total girl bait.

[42:37] I happen to know

[42:37] I was not the only grown-up

[42:39] straight girl comic reader

[42:40] interested in seeing

[42:41] the Wolverine movie

[42:42] pretty much just to see

[42:43] how Gambit would appear

[42:44] in real-life form.

[42:45] Weren't we disappointed?

[42:47] And she asks,

[42:48] any plans to watch Powder Blue?

[42:49] I hear Scott Jessica Biel

[42:51] is a stripper

[42:51] and Forrest Whitaker

[42:53] is a priest

[42:53] and Chris Christopherson.

[42:55] I don't know

[42:56] what he's supposed to be

[42:57] but the fact he's there

[42:58] is crazy enough.

[42:59] Happy belated

[43:00] congrats on 50 episodes.

[43:02] We did discuss

[43:03] Powder Blue at the time

[43:04] but I guess we decided

[43:05] that...

Elliott Kalan

[43:05] It sounds like

[43:06] it's just a very turgid

[43:08] not enjoyable movie.

Stuart Wellington

[43:10] Yeah.

[43:11] So I'll just watch it

[43:12] by myself

[43:13] with the fast-forward

[43:14] button handy.

[43:14] Or you're going to be

[43:15] fast-forwarding

[43:16] most of the movie.

[43:17] Well, I can use...

[43:18] I can jump scenes.

[43:20] Blu-rays let you do that, Elliot.

[43:22] Or again,

Elliott Kalan

[43:22] the internet.

[43:23] Yeah.

[43:24] And also the...

[43:24] What do I use the internet for?

[43:26] For pornography.

[43:27] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[43:28] Wait, this is a porno movie?

Elliott Kalan

[43:30] No, but Jessica Biel

[43:31] has no clothes on

[43:32] at one point.

[43:33] Oh, okay, cool.

[43:35] And it's...

Dan McCoy

[43:36] No more spoilers.

[43:37] It's good.

[43:39] I believe he's going to spoil it

[43:40] by saying it was a

[43:41] direct-to-DVD film.

[43:42] It was a direct-to-DVD film

Elliott Kalan

[43:43] so it kind of falls

[43:44] outside of our thing usually.

[43:45] But also like...

[43:45] Our perv view.

[43:46] But also our perv view

[43:48] in this case

[43:48] because also

[43:49] the Jessica Biel...

[43:50] That's why I'm paying

[43:51] the big dollars.

[43:52] The Jessica Biel scenes

[43:53] are not...

[43:53] It's almost...

[43:54] They're such a disappointment.

[43:56] You know?

[43:57] Yeah, I...

[43:57] Was she going to the bathroom

[43:58] or something?

[43:59] Yes.

[44:03] Erotic...

[44:04] Zing, yes!

[44:05] Yeah, got me.

[44:06] You did zing.

Dan McCoy

[44:09] Okay, let's move on.

[44:10] Do we have other letters?

[44:11] Yeah, this one is...

[44:12] This one is titled...

[44:14] Oh, Dan.

[44:16] And, uh...

[44:17] I have to say...

[44:18] It sounds like you wrote it.

[44:19] I have to say

[44:20] this is neither

[44:20] the first email

[44:22] I've gotten

[44:22] that has been titled

[44:24] Oh, Dan.

[44:25] Nor is it the first

[44:26] conversation I've had

[44:27] that has started

[44:28] with someone going

[44:28] Oh, Dan.

[44:31] But anyway,

[44:31] it's from

[44:32] Ashley, last name withheld.

[44:34] A lot of girls are...

[44:35] Flophouse ladies.

[44:36] Dan,

[44:37] I cannot abide this

[44:38] any longer.

[44:40] Elliot and Stuart

[44:40] have received

[44:41] flattering bordering

[44:42] on creepy pieces

[44:43] of fan mail

[44:44] which have clearly

[44:44] had a negative effect

[44:45] on your self-esteem.

[44:47] The least popular

[44:48] flopper, you say?

[44:49] Not so, I say.

[44:51] Although I certainly

[44:52] can't resist

[44:52] Elliot's impressive intellect

[44:54] and Stuart's raw masculinity

[44:56] and reportedly

[44:56] large penis.

[44:58] I'd still rather

[44:59] have those

[44:59] than the intellect.

[45:01] I'd have to admit

[45:02] that you're my

[45:03] number one

[45:03] Flophouse crush.

[45:05] You're the mastermind,

[45:06] the organizer,

[45:07] the ideas man.

[45:08] The Cyclops.

[45:08] You're sensitive,

[45:09] pensive.

[45:09] Leonardo.

[45:10] With a dry wit.

[45:12] All this plus

[45:12] those gentlemanly

[45:13] good looks

[45:14] and pleasingly

[45:15] low voice.

[45:16] Sigh.

[45:17] Please don't feel

[45:18] inferior to your

[45:19] fellow floppers, Dan.

[45:20] I'm sure I'm not

[45:21] the only listener

[45:22] whose heart

[45:22] you wormed

[45:23] your way into.

Stuart Wellington

[45:24] And with you

[45:24] she doesn't have

[45:25] to worry about you

[45:26] messing around

[45:26] or treating you bad.

[45:28] Guys, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[45:29] That's true

[45:30] because, yeah,

[45:31] you're the guy,

[45:31] I mean,

[45:32] she's done having

[45:32] fun with us.

Dan McCoy

[45:33] Time to settle down.

[45:35] Sure.

[45:36] Someone with a round face.

Elliott Kalan

[45:39] That was a very

[45:40] nice letter.

Dan McCoy

[45:41] Guys, I, uh...

[45:43] I think I've fallen

[45:43] for Ashley's last name

[45:44] withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[45:45] Oh, no.

[45:45] Okay, should I tell, uh,

[45:47] Lulu that you're

[45:48] going to be leaving?

Dan McCoy

[45:50] Yeah, that's not where

[45:50] I thought you were

[45:51] going to go with that.

[45:52] going to mention my wife.

[45:53] Oh, well, you talk to the character.

[45:54] You're married?

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] That's who that is?

[45:57] You've got to get this

[45:57] Angela girl out of your life.

[45:59] Ashley.

[46:00] This is...

[46:00] Oh, Ashley, I mean.

[46:02] Wait, wait, who's Angela?

[46:04] I gotta go.

Dan McCoy

[46:06] Well, maybe, you know,

[46:08] maybe, uh, maybe Sarah

[46:09] and Ashley and, uh,

[46:11] heck, Angela, too.

[46:12] Maybe we can all

[46:13] work something out,

[46:14] you know?

[46:15] Maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[46:15] Wow, that's the type

[46:16] of joke I'd make, dude.

[46:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:17] Some sort of, uh...

[46:18] You're cutting into

[46:18] Stewart's sexism ratings.

[46:20] Yeah, dude.

[46:21] That's why I'm down

Stuart Wellington

[46:22] to 10%.

Dan McCoy

[46:22] Why is it sexism?

[46:24] We haven't asked

[46:25] Ashley and the

[46:26] fictitional...

[46:27] Fictitious.

Stuart Wellington

[46:29] Angela, what they

[46:30] think of their relationship.

[46:31] Yeah, dude, you're just

[46:32] trying to talk them

[46:33] into doing what

[46:33] their bodies want.

[46:35] Maybe do, like,

[46:36] some back rubs

[46:37] as a team.

[46:39] They might be into it.

[46:39] And those back rubs

[46:40] turn into some other

[46:41] kind of heavy petting.

[46:42] I'll write up a whole,

[46:43] like, scenario.

Elliott Kalan

[46:44] We'll write some fiction

[46:45] about it.

Stuart Wellington

[46:45] It'll be like a D&D

[46:46] adventure, though.

[46:47] No, no.

[46:48] Complete with graph paper.

Elliott Kalan

[46:50] You'll have to roll dice

[46:50] at every step

[46:51] to see if you get farther.

Dan McCoy

[46:52] Absolutely.

[46:53] On a less gross note,

[46:54] I would like to thank

[46:55] Ashley for taking my bait.

[47:00] Your boy bait?

[47:01] For the compliments

[47:02] I was fishing for.

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] Well, they're long overdue.

Dan McCoy

[47:06] Well, but here's

[47:06] the funny thing.

[47:07] The same guy

[47:08] got this email.

[47:09] pretty handsome.

Elliott Kalan

[47:10] Yeah, he's a very

[47:11] good-looking man.

[47:12] And he does have

[47:12] a very pleasing voice.

Stuart Wellington

[47:14] And you're sitting

[47:14] on the floor right now,

[47:15] and that's something

Dan McCoy

[47:16] weird for me.

[47:16] Guys, I feel like

[47:18] this is going to get

[47:18] into weird

[47:19] slash fiction area

[47:21] that another reader

[47:22] sent us.

Elliott Kalan

[47:22] Well, hey, let's

[47:23] turn off the mics

[47:24] for a little bit

[47:24] and we'll talk about

[47:25] how we feel.

[47:25] We'll leave them on.

Dan McCoy

[47:27] I want to say that

[47:27] the same day I got

[47:29] that email from Ashley,

[47:31] I saw that some people

[47:33] were coming to the blog

[47:35] or from another podcast

[47:39] called the Hot Cakes Podcast.

[47:42] And the show notes,

[47:44] I saw the Flophouse

[47:45] had been mentioned

[47:45] in one of the episodes.

[47:47] And I'm like,

[47:47] huh, I'll listen to this.

[47:49] And I listened through

[47:50] and it gets to the

[47:51] Flophouse being mentioned.

[47:53] And these gentlemen,

[47:54] these hosts,

[47:55] are so nice about the show,

[47:57] very complimentary.

[47:57] They say that one of them

[47:59] was recommending it together

[48:00] and he says,

[48:00] I find it extremely pleasurable.

[48:02] It's very funny.

[48:04] And he mentions,

[48:05] he's just like,

[48:06] oh, you know,

[48:07] it's hosted by these three guys.

[48:09] There's Elliot Kalin.

[48:11] He writes for The Daily Show.

[48:14] There's this guy,

[48:15] Stuart Wellington.

[48:16] He keeps talking about

[48:18] his big balls.

Stuart Wellington

[48:19] Okay.

[48:20] That's fallacious,

Dan McCoy

[48:22] but that's okay.

[48:23] And,

[48:25] oh man.

[48:27] He could not remember my name.

[48:29] He remembered you guys'

[48:30] full names.

[48:32] And what we do.

Stuart Wellington

[48:33] I'm the,

[48:34] I'm literally.

[48:34] I mean,

[48:35] he inaccurately remembers

[48:36] what I do,

[48:37] but that's okay.

Dan McCoy

[48:38] I am literally,

[48:40] I'm literally the only one

[48:42] of the three of us

[48:42] who has been on every show

[48:44] and he could not remember

[48:46] just one of my names.

Elliott Kalan

[48:47] Your name comes up

[48:48] at the beginning of

[48:49] every episode,

[48:50] but for some reason

[48:50] our names seem to come up

[48:51] during episodes.

Dan McCoy

[48:53] Yeah.

[48:53] You know.

[48:54] See,

[48:54] I think the problem is

[48:55] I don't have a hook.

[48:56] Like,

[48:56] he was able to,

[48:57] he was like,

[48:58] oh,

[48:58] there's a guy,

[48:58] he writes for The Daily Show.

[48:59] That's a big hook.

[49:01] Oh,

[49:01] you know,

[49:01] the genitals guy.

[49:04] That's a big hook.

[49:05] I need something

[49:06] that I can like

[49:07] really sink my game into.

[49:08] It's kind of a baseline hook.

[49:08] And I wanted to,

[49:09] I wanted to present this

[49:10] to you guys.

[49:11] I wanted to present this

[49:12] to you guys

[49:13] and see what you thought

[49:14] my hook should be

[49:15] and maybe I can start

[49:16] working that.

[49:16] Yeah.

[49:17] You know what?

[49:17] I'm not a character.

[49:18] I'm not a put on.

[49:19] I just feel like a trait

[49:20] that I can.

Dan McCoy

[49:20] What if you're like

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] the guy who keeps sneezing?

[49:22] I think that would be

Dan McCoy

[49:23] more irritating

[49:24] to listeners

[49:25] than anything else.

Stuart Wellington

[49:26] How about you're the guy

[49:26] who straightens his tie

[49:28] before every joke?

Dan McCoy

[49:29] Again,

[49:29] not something you can see

[49:30] on the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[49:31] What if you're like,

[49:33] you dance really well?

[49:35] Visual.

[49:36] What about,

[49:36] what about

Stuart Wellington

[49:37] when you wake up

[49:38] every morning

[49:39] you say,

[49:40] time to make the donuts.

[49:45] So,

Dan McCoy

[49:45] so the listener

[49:46] to the podcast

[49:47] would just know this about?

[49:48] Yeah,

[49:48] well what if you join

[49:49] like the volunteer fire squad?

[49:51] I like that.

[49:52] Yeah.

[49:53] No,

[49:53] I like that a lot.

[49:54] Yeah.

[49:54] I guess this isn't,

[49:55] I mean,

[49:55] I guess that's fair

[49:56] because it's not like

[49:57] you write for the daily show

[49:59] on the podcast.

[50:00] Yeah.

[50:01] we get to hear that happening.

[50:03] So if we just talked about me

[50:04] doing some of these things.

[50:05] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[50:05] yeah,

[50:06] I mean,

[50:06] we don't even have to talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] Maybe you should record it

[50:08] while you're writing though.

[50:09] Like,

[50:09] would that be really exciting?

[50:10] It would be very distracting to me.

Dan McCoy

[50:12] Oh,

[50:13] okay.

[50:13] While I'm working.

[50:14] Probably to my coworkers.

[50:15] We came into the office with,

[50:17] yeah,

[50:18] Stuart,

[50:18] you could hold the laptop

[50:20] and I could have like a boom.

[50:21] And you hold like a boom mic,

[50:22] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] Well,

[50:24] let's see,

[50:24] what could you think?

[50:25] Maybe like you love coffee.

[50:28] That feels kind of hacky to me.

[50:31] Okay,

[50:31] well what if like

[50:32] in your spare time

[50:34] you are like a survivalist?

[50:36] You got a militia.

[50:37] Yeah,

[50:37] that's pretty good.

[50:38] Yeah.

[50:38] You make your own money

[50:39] and a gold.

[50:40] You know a lot about that stuff.

[50:40] Yeah.

[50:41] You love that.

[50:42] You're always talking about

[50:42] how the government's going to collapse.

[50:43] Wait,

[50:44] hold on.

[50:45] That's why you're on those lists.

[50:46] No,

Stuart Wellington

[50:46] I don't see it.

[50:47] Impressions.

[50:48] You're the guy who does

[50:48] all the impressions.

[50:49] Yeah,

[50:50] yeah,

[50:50] yeah.

[50:50] It's a lot of like,

Elliott Kalan

[50:51] I'm Elliot,

[50:52] this is Stuart,

[50:52] and then Dan comes in and goes,

Stuart Wellington

[50:53] well,

[50:54] well,

[50:54] this is Dan McCoy,

[50:56] and it's Jimmy Stewart.

[50:57] That's a terrible impression.

[50:58] No,

[50:58] that's good.

[50:59] No,

Elliott Kalan

[50:59] but that was my impression

[51:00] of you doing Jimmy Stewart.

[51:01] My Jimmy Stewart is much better.

Stuart Wellington

[51:03] Yeah,

[51:04] or you could be like that guy

[51:06] from the Police Academy movies,

[51:07] the Motormouth guy.

[51:08] Michael Wins,

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] oh,

[51:09] you mean,

[51:09] Motormouth Jones,

[51:10] yeah.

[51:10] the sound effects guy.

[51:11] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[51:11] that guy.

[51:12] Michael Winslow.

[51:13] Yeah,

[51:13] that guy's talking about his character.

Dan McCoy

[51:14] He's not really a Motormouth.

[51:15] I don't think his character's

Elliott Kalan

[51:16] named Motormouth Jones.

Dan McCoy

[51:17] I made that up.

[51:18] I think you're thinking

[51:18] about the Micromachines guy.

[51:20] You could be like

Elliott Kalan

[51:20] the Micromachines guy

[51:21] and talk really fast.

[51:22] All right.

[51:23] Or you could,

[51:24] well,

[51:24] try it,

[51:25] try it out.

Stuart Wellington

[51:27] No,

[51:27] you're not going fast.

[51:28] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[51:29] give us like the King James Bible

[51:30] all the way through

[51:30] in like a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[51:33] Say it more like

[51:35] you had a mustache.

Elliott Kalan

[51:36] Not like you're talking

[51:37] about tiny cars.

Dan McCoy

[51:39] I think this would involve me

[51:41] having the King James Bible

[51:42] memorized is the problem.

[51:44] Well,

[51:44] that's the first step.

Elliott Kalan

[51:46] I do like that

[51:46] when they wanted to say

[51:47] like our toy is tiny cars,

[51:50] tiny cars,

[51:51] tiny cars,

[51:52] talking really fast.

[51:53] Of course.

[51:53] It makes perfect sense.

Dan McCoy

[51:55] All right,

[51:55] well,

[51:55] guys,

[51:55] these are all great ideas.

[51:57] I think I'm going to

[51:57] sleep on them.

Stuart Wellington

[51:58] We could also do

[51:59] like a little listener contest

[52:01] where they could send in

[52:02] hook ideas.

[52:02] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[52:03] I think that's a good idea.

[52:04] Since the last listener contest

[52:05] was really successful so far.

[52:07] Yeah.

[52:08] Well,

[52:08] we do,

[52:08] like your friend claimed

[52:10] that he was going to give us

[52:11] some DVDs of Stull

[52:13] with the DVD commentary.

[52:16] Maybe if I'm mentioning this,

[52:16] we'll guilt him into doing that.

[52:18] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[52:18] yeah.

[52:19] I haven't talked to him

Dan McCoy

[52:19] in a little bit.

[52:20] I can check up with him.

[52:21] If people,

[52:22] if listeners come in,

[52:23] if listeners write in

[52:24] with ideas

[52:25] for something

[52:26] that will make

[52:27] all of you fall in love

[52:28] with me the way

[52:29] that Ashley's last name

[52:30] would have fallen in love with me.

Elliott Kalan

[52:30] You just got to be yourself,

[52:31] Dan,

[52:32] and you'll find the right girl

[52:33] eventually.

[52:33] Maybe even your wife.

Dan McCoy

[52:36] I've been living with her

[52:37] for a while.

Elliott Kalan

[52:38] But you need confidence.

[52:39] That's the thing.

[52:40] Girls like guys

[52:41] who like themselves.

[52:42] Right, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[52:43] Or, no,

[52:44] guys who can dance good.

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] Yeah, yeah.

[52:45] Or learn how to dance

[52:46] real good.

[52:47] Or wear wolf shirts.

Stuart Wellington

[52:49] Or, yeah,

[52:49] show it with a wolf on it.

[52:50] Yes, kill a wolf

Elliott Kalan

[52:50] and wear it like a shirt.

[52:52] And the mouth

[52:53] is right over your head

[52:54] so it looks like

[52:54] you're inside the wolf.

Stuart Wellington

[52:57] Yeah.

[52:57] No, that's good.

[52:58] Yeah, yeah.

[52:58] That's really good.

[52:59] That's really good.

[53:00] What if you're like,

Elliott Kalan

[53:01] oh, I'm Dan

[53:02] and I'm so sleepy.

[53:04] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[53:04] Dan is always sleepy?

[53:05] That's good too.

[53:06] There's something adorable

[53:07] about it.

[53:07] Alright.

[53:08] You can't win this contest

[53:09] though, right?

[53:09] Because that'd be unfair.

Elliott Kalan

[53:10] No, I can't enter.

[53:11] Or else I would win.

[53:13] I'd win the grand prize

[53:14] which is what, Dan?

[53:16] Well, maybe it'll be a DVD.

[53:18] Okay.

[53:19] Some kind of a DVD.

[53:20] Please enter this contest,

[53:21] give Dan his hook

[53:22] and you'll possibly win a DVD.

[53:24] Maybe the DVD we watched tonight, right?

Stuart Wellington

[53:27] The Hannah Montana DVD.

Elliott Kalan

[53:28] Well, I was thinking again

[53:29] of hopefully

[53:30] I think it's a Netflix DVD.

[53:31] Hopefully the Stull DVD.

[53:32] Well, Netflix can hold their horses.

[53:33] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:34] The Stull DVD would be a good prize.

Elliott Kalan

[53:36] What if Netflix wins?

[53:37] Netflix can't enter.

[53:39] Wait a minute.

[53:40] How are they going to get

[53:40] their DVD back?

[53:42] They're just going to have to

[53:43] come get it, man.

[53:44] Stop being so lazy, Netflix.

Dan McCoy

[53:47] Okay, so...

[53:48] So we've talked a long time.

[53:50] I don't know whether we really

[53:51] have any time for recommendations.

[53:53] I mean, we can do it really fast

[53:54] rather than getting into detail

[53:56] and maybe just run down.

[53:58] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[54:00] Okay, I'll recommend a movie

[54:02] I saw a long time ago

[54:03] that's really good

[54:04] called Castle Freak

[54:06] directed by Stuart Gordon.

[54:09] It's really awesome

[54:10] because this family

[54:11] moves into an Italian castle

[54:12] that they happen to inherit

[54:16] and little do they know

[54:18] that there's this crazy

[54:19] misshapen freak

[54:20] a castle freak

[54:22] living in the basement

[54:23] who flips out

[54:24] kills a bunch of people

[54:25] I think he bites

[54:26] a prostitute's boob off

[54:28] and then I think

[54:29] he even rips off

[54:30] his own ding dong

[54:30] in a rage.

[54:32] Totally awesome movie.

Dan McCoy

[54:34] Sounds like an X-rated

[54:35] end of Rumpelstiltskin.

[54:37] Very similar, yeah.

[54:39] So that's released by Kino,

[54:41] I assume?

[54:42] Yes, it's...

Stuart Wellington

[54:43] Nope, Full Moon Pictures.

[54:45] Oh, okay.

[54:46] Close.

[54:48] Very close.

[54:49] Elliot, what do you got?

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] I have a recommendation

[54:51] that's half recommendation,

[54:52] half plug.

[54:54] I have another film screening

[54:56] coming up for anyone

[54:56] who's in New York.

[54:57] February 3rd,

[54:58] first Wednesday in February

[54:59] at 92 White Tribeca.

[55:01] We're going to be showing

[55:01] Divorce Italian Style

[55:03] and if you don't live

[55:03] in the New York area

[55:04] or can't come,

[55:05] I would still recommend

[55:06] you seeing Divorce Italian Style.

[55:08] I re-watched it

[55:09] just recently

[55:10] to review for this screening

[55:11] so I could take my notes on it

[55:13] and I was reminded

[55:14] what a fun movie it is.

Dan McCoy

[55:18] I just watched the documentary

[55:20] Bright Leaves

[55:22] by...

[55:24] What's his face?

Elliott Kalan

[55:25] Do you know what I'm talking about?

[55:26] No, I don't.

[55:27] The guy did Sherman's March.

[55:28] Oh, okay.

[55:29] I know who you mean

[55:30] but I don't remember his name.

Dan McCoy

[55:31] Oh, man.

[55:31] This is going to kill me

[55:32] that I can't remember the name.

[55:34] Harry Leaves.

[55:36] No.

[55:37] Powers Booth.

[55:39] He's known for making documentaries

[55:40] sort of in the form of

[55:42] kind of personal essays.

Elliott Kalan

[55:43] Yeah, kind of

[55:43] using his own life

[55:45] to kind of talk about

[55:46] larger subjects.

Dan McCoy

[55:47] Right.

[55:47] And also the thing is

[55:49] about a lot of documentaries

[55:50] either they're polemical

[55:51] in the sense that

[55:52] they have like a specific point

[55:53] that they're trying to make

[55:54] or they are movies about life

[55:56] that are kind of trying to

[55:58] shoehorn life

[55:59] into more of a traditional

[56:01] narrative often

[56:02] whereas this movie

[56:05] was much more

[56:06] kind of free form.

[56:07] It follows

[56:08] his whims

[56:11] wherever they may take him

[56:12] and that seems like

[56:15] it's kind of artless

[56:16] but it takes as much

[56:17] shaping and editing

[56:18] as anything

[56:19] to make it interesting

[56:20] and engaging

[56:21] and it certainly was that

[56:22] and so I enjoyed that

[56:23] a lot.

[56:25] And so Bright Leaves

[56:26] is my recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[56:28] So in order of quality

[56:31] or not

[56:32] we got Castle Free

[56:34] Divorce

[56:36] Italian style

[56:37] Divorce

Elliott Kalan

[56:38] Divorce Italian style

[56:40] I was going to try to say it

[56:40] in Italian

[56:41] but I don't know what that is.

Stuart Wellington

[56:42] And Bright Bright Leaves.

Elliott Kalan

[56:45] Just Bright Leaves

[56:46] not Bright Bright Leaves

[56:47] in case you're looking it up.

[56:49] So guys

[56:50] directed by somebody.

Dan McCoy

[56:53] I'm going to have to cut

Elliott Kalan

[56:54] You're disparaging any movie

[56:55] that's not Castle Free.

Dan McCoy

[56:57] I'm going to have to cut this short.

[56:59] I have a concert

[57:02] that I have to attend

[57:03] as an audience member

[57:05] and certainly not

[57:07] perform on stage

[57:08] as part of it.

[57:08] Dan, it looks like you have

[57:09] a wig in your hand.

[57:10] What's that all about?

[57:11] No, this is a Merkin.

[57:12] Anyway,

[57:14] It's really long hair

[57:15] for a Merkin.

[57:16] Well, I like a lot of hair

[57:17] down there.

[57:18] Bright blonde.

[57:18] So,

[57:20] for the Flophouse

[57:21] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[57:25] And I will continue

[57:26] to be Elliot Kalin.

[57:28] Good night.

Dan McCoy

[57:33] I apologize

[57:33] for the lack of a table.

[57:35] Theoretically we're getting

[57:36] a new table at some point.

[57:37] Sure, sure.

[57:38] It's kind of cool.

[57:38] I like it.

Stuart Wellington

[57:39] It's kind of like college.

Elliott Kalan

[57:42] This, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:43] You need like beanbag chairs.

Elliott Kalan

[57:44] And a poster

[57:45] of Clockwork Orange.

Stuart Wellington

[57:46] Yeah, or Jim Belushi

[57:48] wearing a college sweater.

[57:49] Yeah, yeah.

[57:50] For Man of the House.

Dan McCoy

[57:50] Or those people kissing

[57:52] in like Paris.

[57:53] Yeah.

[57:53] Rainy Paris.

[57:54] Oh!

[57:55] That was kind of...

Stuart Wellington

[57:55] You must have been

[57:56] in like a lot of

[57:57] theater kids' rooms.

[57:58] That shot from Tyson Robert

[57:59] that's not even...

[57:59] It's in a lot of

[58:00] girls' rooms, Stuart.

[58:01] Oh, I was always weirded out

[58:03] by girls' rooms in college.

[58:03] Because I was their

Dan McCoy

[58:04] platonic friend.

[58:06] You were listening

[58:06] to their troubles?

[58:08] Girls' rooms always smelled

Stuart Wellington

[58:09] like the Mossman

[58:10] He-Man figurine.

The Flop House: Episode #53 - Hannah Montana: The Movie

Transcript

In this episode

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