The Flop House: Episode #53 - Hannah Montana: The Movie

[0:00] In this episode we discuss Hannah Montana the movie, the terrifying tale of a young girl with two totally different personalities.

[0:31] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] And I'm Elliot Kalin. Back, better than ever. That's me. Alright, here we go.

[0:44] Wait, where were you?

[0:46] I was not here during the last show.

[0:48] Oh, right.

[0:50] Yeah, remember your British friend?

[0:53] Our British friends.

[0:55] I guess we are friends now. He's been in my apartment, we've shared a beer.

[0:59] Yeah.

[1:00] We've shared Dragon Ball Evolution.

[1:02] He probably went to your, he used your restroom.

[1:04] That's what bonds people together.

[1:06] Yeah, I mean you wouldn't let a stranger just go in there.

[1:09] Well, how's a stranger dress? Strangely.

[1:13] I don't know, maybe in like a UPS uniform?

[1:16] No, not that guy.

[1:17] Okay.

[1:18] Fuck that guy.

[1:19] Wow.

[1:20] A little bit of current events, guys.

[1:22] I know we make a lot of jokes here, but I'm sure people also come to us for some opinions, some important opinions.

[1:28] They don't.

[1:29] The whole late night scandal. What do you think?

[1:34] I think we're pretty late on coming to this.

[1:36] Yeah, by the time this episode airs, Conan will be off the air and everything will be done.

[1:40] Everything's sort of shaken down as...

[1:43] As someone who's out of touch would say.

[1:45] I mean, I will say that obviously...

[1:48] No, I mean, I was hoping you guys were going to explain it to me.

[1:50] Oh, okay.

[1:51] But we can talk about it after the show if you prefer.

[1:53] Well, people need something to fill their lives, and so they've latched on to an intra-company argument between two hosts of different television shows.

[2:02] Okay.

[2:03] Tiger Woods, what's the deal there?

[2:05] I mean, the only way this Conan thing will affect us is maybe if Conan, for some reason, comes back to New York, we can get...

[2:13] And asks to be on The Flophouse.

[2:15] Well, no, I was going to say we can get writer Andre Dubuchet, the one person I know who's involved in that show, to come on The Flophouse.

[2:22] Oh, I know a couple people who work there. Good guys.

[2:25] I don't know anyone involved in show business.

[2:28] No, I mean, but you're a games guy.

[2:29] Well, you know Elliot.

[2:30] Oh, yeah. Who?

[2:32] Elliot Kalin.

[2:33] Right over here. Hey!

[2:34] He's your immediate right.

[2:35] How you doing?

[2:36] Oh, with that little, the program he works for? Oh, yeah, that's on TV, right?

[2:39] Yeah, the Emmy-winning program that I work for.

[2:41] That I won an Emmy for.

[2:43] So, we're not going to talk about Tiger Woods.

[2:45] Is there any other current events we should talk about?

[2:47] These are the least current events.

[2:49] So, that 2008 election, guys. What about the way that shook out in the end?

[2:54] Yeah.

[2:55] Yeah, Stewart's still mad at the Florida voters for 2000.

[2:59] Yeah, what was the deal there?

[3:01] Massive electoral problem.

[3:02] Uh-oh! Somebody's iPhone's going crazy!

[3:05] Yeah, blowing up all over the place.

[3:07] You know who else is blowing up?

[3:09] What? Miley Cyrus.

[3:11] Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. What happened to her?

[3:14] What happened? She blew up?

[3:16] I knew she had enemies.

[3:18] She was visiting Northern Ireland, and, uh...

[3:22] She turned evidence on the mob, and they...

[3:26] Wait, like the Irish mob, or like the mafia?

[3:28] Either one. I don't know.

[3:30] Guys, I was trying to segue.

[3:33] You bought a segue?

[3:35] Dan, it's a fad. They're not going to reshape cities around them.

[3:38] It's going to revolutionize the way we get around.

[3:40] It's not.

[3:41] Well, time will tell. Time will tell which one of us is right.

[3:44] Time is told. Time is telling right now.

[3:48] Speaking of time, we spent some time this evening talking about movies.

[3:54] And then we had some dinner, right?

[3:56] And here's the segue that's going to stick.

[3:58] That was a good segue.

[3:59] So we watched the Hannah Montana movie.

[4:02] I think that was the kind of segue we really needed.

[4:05] Now, none of us knew that much about Hannah Montana.

[4:10] I think that you and I, for some reason, knew slightly more than Stuart.

[4:14] In that we knew that there was...

[4:16] We knew the basic premise.

[4:18] There was this bifurcated life...

[4:21] I think that was in the pitch.

[4:22] ...that Miley Cyrus is leading.

[4:24] They just went to Disney, and they said,

[4:25] We've got this idea for a show.

[4:27] This girl leads a bifurcated life.

[4:29] It was on the poster, I think.

[4:30] It's called My Bifurcated Life, and it stars Claire Danes.

[4:35] Claire Danes likes both girls and boys.

[4:37] Sounds awesome.

[4:38] It stars Claire Danes and Claire Danes in a double role.

[4:43] And it's a remake of Multiplicity.

[4:45] Are we talking about a slightly healthier, slightly beefier Claire Danes,

[4:51] or a really skinny, scary-looking Claire Danes?

[4:53] I don't know.

[4:54] Maybe both.

[4:55] I don't know what you meant by beefier.

[4:57] Like, more meat on her body.

[4:59] I actually don't know why we're spending so much time talking about Claire Danes.

[5:02] Because we don't have a lot of time talking about Hannah Montana.

[5:05] Speak for yourself.

[5:07] So we knew that Hannah Montana, the story was that there's Miley Cyrus,

[5:11] and she leads a double life as pop star Hannah Montana.

[5:16] It's basically like Spider-Man, except instead of being a nerdy high school student

[5:21] who's also a superhero secretly, she's a kind of goofy high school student,

[5:25] or I guess middle school, I don't even know,

[5:26] who's also a huge pop star secretly.

[5:29] Yeah.

[5:30] And the only people who know that Hanni Montani and Miley Cyrus are the same person

[5:37] are her father, her best friend, and her manager-slash-keeper-out-of-trouble-er.

[5:44] Speaking of Hanni Montani, I just want to mention that Stuart and I were at the bar

[5:50] the other night with our friend Kurt, who pronounced it Hannah Montana,

[5:54] and he asked who Hannah Montana was these days.

[5:58] Apparently he thought it was a Minuto situation,

[6:00] where they just kept cycling in new Hannah Montanas.

[6:03] No, there's only one Hannah Montana, and her name is Miley Cyrus.

[6:06] Shh, don't tell anybody.

[6:07] I think he was assuming she was Germanic of some kind.

[6:10] Hannah Montana, the Teutonic pop star, pop sensation.

[6:17] So yeah, her friend knows, her manager knows, and Billy Ray Cyrus, her dad knows.

[6:23] Her friend Lily, her manager Vanessa Williams, and her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus.

[6:26] Her friend Lily, played by Emily Osment, who I'm still convinced was just Haley Joel Osment in a girl's wig.

[6:33] I have to call shenanigans, because that was not Billy Ray Cyrus.

[6:37] Everyone kept calling him Robbie Ray.

[6:39] His character's name is Robbie Ray Cyrus.

[6:41] So he played a character in this movie.

[6:44] Yes.

[6:45] Okay, that makes a lot more sense.

[6:46] This is like Earth 2, but the only difference is that instead of Billy Ray Cyrus, there's Robbie Ray Cyrus.

[6:51] Yeah, it's Earth Robbie Ray.

[6:54] His song was like, Don't Put My Heart Back Together, because it doesn't hurt.

[6:58] It was My Sticky Wicky Heart.

[7:00] Don't touch my heart, my sticky wicky heart.

[7:03] Your hand's going to get stuck to my heart.

[7:06] It sounds actually pretty good.

[7:08] I don't know about that.

[7:09] It's a better song.

[7:10] I don't know about the meter of that.

[7:11] The poetry of that is kind of awkward.

[7:14] He's not as good a songwriter as Billy Ray Cyrus.

[7:17] But dancing?

[7:19] Better.

[7:20] Don't get me started.

[7:21] Better, yeah.

[7:22] Having a pointy soul patch?

[7:24] Better.

[7:25] He's also one quarter inch taller, which you wouldn't notice because Billy Ray Cyrus, knowing this, wears shoes with quarter inch lips.

[7:34] Wow.

[7:36] What an elaborate scheme to compete with this fictional alternative universe you've created.

[7:42] Yeah, parallel worlds are very competitive with each other.

[7:45] Well, anyway, Robbie Ray is very distressed at his daughter's, the way she's behaving.

[7:53] Yes.

[7:54] She's become a real pop diva.

[7:56] Yeah.

[7:57] She's losing sight of her friends and her family, and what it means to be a modest, humble, God-fearing, straight, red state American.

[8:07] And so, to fix this, he knows that what she needs is a good old injection of country.

[8:14] Country living, right?

[8:16] Yeah.

[8:17] Rural type.

[8:18] Small town.

[8:19] Like Bob Evans.

[8:20] Yeah.

[8:21] Where good people live.

[8:22] Yeah.

[8:23] Anytown, USA.

[8:24] And he goes back in time, with her to the 80s, to back when every movie had an evil real estate developer.

[8:31] As this film has a kind of...

[8:33] Played to a T by Barry Bostwick.

[8:35] And by T, you mean temporarily, because he disappears from the film after a certain point.

[8:41] Yeah.

[8:42] The over-scheduled Barry Bostwick.

[8:45] This happens with every pseudo-villainous character the film has to offer, because there's also a British tabloid reporter intent on exposing the double life, or exposing the secret that Hannah Montana has.

[8:58] He doesn't know what it is.

[8:59] He just knows she has a secret.

[9:00] Yeah.

[9:01] And he disappears for the whole last third of the movie until the very end as well.

[9:05] Yeah.

[9:06] I mean, his arc does get completed.

[9:08] That's true.

[9:09] Well, there are a couple different storylines going on here.

[9:11] There's Hannah Montana has to learn to be humble.

[9:14] Hannah Montana is falling in love for the first time with a boy in her hometown.

[9:19] Looks like a young Mormon.

[9:21] Billy Ray Cyrus is falling in love with... What's her name from The Office?

[9:25] Jan Levinson Gould.

[9:26] Jan Levinson Gould.

[9:28] Michael Scott's crazy boss slash girlfriend.

[9:31] Sure.

[9:32] Former girlfriend, former boss.

[9:33] More attractive when she's crazy.

[9:35] Yes.

[9:36] Aren't they always, though, guys? You know what I mean?

[9:38] Not really.

[9:39] Nudge, nudge.

[9:40] Right?

[9:41] Eh, fellas? Eh, fellows?

[9:45] Sits back and lights a cigar.

[9:48] And also that the town has some open land that an evil real estate developer wants to build a mall on.

[9:55] Which would be terrible.

[9:56] Which would be terrible.

[9:57] And the town can't afford the taxes on the land.

[10:00] and it's kind of unclear who owns this land alliance only it was a good it was

[10:04] called crowley meadows a person i thought was called

[10:06] craven meadows that's all i could think of it as it was a little bit and it's

[10:10] called crowley corners because this was founded by alistair crowley as a free

[10:14] live free love cult for a bit of telemark

[10:16] and why uh... at that

[10:18] gate posts and above it carved in

[10:20] do it that do what i will tell shall be the whole of the law which of course is

[10:23] the first rule of thelma

[10:26] uh... we lost me there for a minute i was thinking about all the uh... lecture

[10:30] on the wickedest man in the world and i was thinking about how great it would be

[10:34] if that town had an aunt annie's pretzels

[10:38] see which is more like penn station like a like a banana republic

[10:42] an orange julius that's what i was doing yeah you get one of those orange julius

[10:46] thing it's weird that they are so anti-mall because in real life

[10:50] so many of those towns now are

[10:52] just open stretches of road with houses and

[10:55] strip malls dotted around them

[10:58] you know that it's

[10:59] it's a bit you know uh... they're fighting against

[11:01] having a mall right in the center of town

[11:04] when really urban sprawl is the problem that we have to deal with these things

[11:07] it is strange that these uh... these people are staying a little bit while

[11:10] they have to deal with it through zoning

[11:12] well that's the thing you could make zoning rules you can't build a structure

[11:15] that big

[11:16] you can't build a multi-business platform building like that

[11:19] yeah it seems like no one in crowley corners really wants this uh... have the

[11:23] sure including the mayor's yeah i think it has something for just a quick just

[11:27] and it will the mayor is that we don't know for sure he could be in favor of it

[11:30] but he could they could just call it eminent domain

[11:32] but the mayor of the dinner from uh... hannah montana the the mayor obviously

[11:36] just wanted attention and to associate himself with someone popular for the

[11:41] road

[11:41] he's corrupt he's gonna get thrown out of office to think of all the time i

[11:44] thought i could use the mayor also uh... is wearing a medal around his neck of

[11:48] the type that dracula where yeah

[11:51] yeah he earned it by being dracula

[11:54] we were kept waiting for the twist in the movie where it turns out the town is

[11:58] full of vampires

[11:59] or there's a mass murder

[12:01] or like a malign paradigm shift where

[12:03] yeah like they'd be like the room would start spinning when she realizes that

[12:07] there are vampires there would be a zoom in push out on her face and then the cryptkeeper comes in laughing

[12:12] well nighly diarist

[12:14] by the way an african-american uh... mayor in a town

[12:18] almost uh... entirely lacking in other african-americans uh...

[12:23] it's the most tolerant uh... small southern town that i've ever seen oh yeah it's a very

[12:27] tolerant town and very musical yeah but i was going to say the other we i was kind of

[12:31] hoping the whole time that the plot of the movie would be that

[12:33] hannah montana and miley cyrus

[12:35] would start to war with each other two personalities in one body one trying to

[12:40] destroy and conquer the other

[12:42] uh... something kind of persona-y in a way

[12:45] about the merging and ambiguity of personality

[12:48] how easy it is to lose sight of oneself oh like that movie identity where everybody's fighting inside

[12:52] john cusack's brain yeah that's a shittier version of it yeah

[12:55] but it didn't happen like that or like identity the movie where everything takes place in

[12:59] john cusack's brain but when you find out which personality is the killer

[13:03] they still go back and show you the scenes of that person sneaking away and killing the

[13:07] other identities as if there is a physical reality in his brain

[13:12] what a dumb movie by the way

[13:13] uh... spoiler alert

[13:15] spoiler alert on an eight or nine year old movie

[13:20] that nobody liked that it came out

[13:22] so anyway miley you were saying about hannah the montana

[13:25] uh... i don't know she goes to this small town

[13:30] uh... she learns lessons about love

[13:33] about herself

[13:35] we know there's a crisis about this on this land

[13:40] but uh... are there any other crises?

[13:44] oh god really? you're reading subtext in the film again

[13:49] basically everything in america is built on an indian burial ground we killed a lot of indians

[13:53] you have to assume that crowley corner is probably

[13:56] it's odd i made that exact same joke in something once

[14:01] this is the shows that are similar

[14:04] man why don't you two get a room why don't you stop making out with each other

[14:07] yeah sure where are we going

[14:10] i don't know

[14:10] vegas

[14:11] yeah i think sharing rooms is a good idea it would save us money and loneliness

[14:16] uh... the luxor i recommend the luxor it looks like a giant pyramid

[14:19] it's pretty cool

[14:21] yeah the elevators travel kind of sideways it's pretty awesome

[14:24] so then it would be an elevator it would be a ladder

[14:28] no i'll explain it i'll draw you a diagram

[14:31] it's not moving upward

[14:32] it'll make more sense when i draw it

[14:36] so what's going on with miley cyrus and this uh... this fella of hers

[14:41] well

[14:42] because there's

[14:43] i mean they immediately fall in love and everything's happy

[14:47] it's hard for them to tell each other how they feel especially when she's got this double

[14:50] life that she's keeping secret also they've got to finish painting that

[14:54] bird barn

[14:55] and they did know each other when

[14:57] it's a chicken coop but they keep calling it a barn

[15:01] they don't call it a coop which i thought was weird

[15:05] they did know each other when miley was uh... but a wee lass yes he called her

[15:09] smiley miley at the time yeah which he reminds her of uh...

[15:12] and that

[15:13] clearly she thought it was a realistically awkward moment

[15:17] in which he says something that weirds her out a little bit

[15:21] and she's like that rhymes

[15:24] oh it was a subtle reference to leanne rhymes

[15:29] oh speaking of leanne rhymes taylor swift shows up in the middle of this movie she has a cameo

[15:33] and amy weinhaus

[15:35] no again

[15:36] you're adding things that would have made the movie more interesting but we're not there

[15:41] tyra banks

[15:43] tyra banks was in the movie

[15:46] one of the signs that miley cyrus is getting a little too diva-y

[15:51] is that she and tyra banks get into a physical fight over a pair of shoes in a store in

[15:55] beverly hills yeah which robbie ray cyrus refers to as a shoe fight

[16:00] he says you got into a shoe fight as if shoe fight is a common phrase

[16:05] one one would use every day

[16:07] uh...

[16:08] i sounded like i was in uh...

[16:10] i was in some sort of game show it's a common phrase one you would use every day

[16:15] did you just do a flashback to something we just heard

[16:18] god damn it dan

[16:22] so uh... so everything gets resolved really neatly right away right how does

[16:27] it all know there's complications complications for reals for reals okay

[16:31] what happens

[16:32] uh...

[16:33] everything is complicated

[16:35] it's the kind it's the kind of thing you can see where the movie is going the

[16:37] entire time

[16:38] at some point

[16:39] people get uh... the boyfriend is gonna learn her secret and be unhappy that she

[16:43] kept a secret from them they're gonna break up and come back together

[16:46] at some point

[16:47] because teenage boys care a lot about

[16:50] like things like that shit yes most of the time they're just interested if the

[16:53] girl's pretty or not they're really angry about a secret double life

[16:58] that existed before uh... they had any sort of involvement with each other let's say i'm a

[17:03] fifteen-year-old guy

[17:04] i meet a girl i really like a lot i knew her when we were younger now we're back

[17:07] together again

[17:08] i find out that secretly she is the most famous singer in america

[17:12] and super rich

[17:14] i'm gonna break up with her that infuriates you that sounds terrible

[17:17] i would absolutely not

[17:19] try to do something sexual with her to tell people

[17:24] no like i think

[17:25] to brag about it

[17:27] no i would never do that

[17:28] well it's uh... i mean

[17:30] to dissect the whole

[17:32] hannah montana premise for a little bit

[17:35] i mean there's a lot that just doesn't make sense i i

[17:38] as i said we don't know anything about the the show we aren't

[17:42] uh... hannah montana scholars did they forge a birth certificate

[17:46] but yes yeah but there's several problems as you pointed out they killed a girl of

[17:51] hannah montana's age and took her identity that's uh... named hannah montana

[17:54] as you pointed out stewart uh... miley cyrus's dad is always hanging around

[17:59] hannah montana

[18:00] uh... how is that explained

[18:02] to bodyguard

[18:03] uh... boom just came off the tongue at the beginning of the film hannah montana

[18:07] can't get into her own concert apparently she did not think of giving herself a backstage

[18:12] pass it opens with her

[18:14] trying to she's about to do a concert and she's late

[18:16] her and her friend try to get in by showing up at the box office and talking to the

[18:20] woman running the box office

[18:22] and why she doesn't call her dad on the phone and say like

[18:25] hey can you let us in the back

[18:27] or uh... phone died

[18:29] it did die

[18:30] is that the explanation? I'm sure. okay

[18:33] well then why she doesn't have a pass

[18:35] why uh...

[18:36] she doesn't show up as hannah montana so that she can just get in. Why she didn't introduce

[18:41] herself to security guard and say hey uh... well she's got to keep her secret from security guard

[18:46] it's an elaborate shell game

[18:50] they should have called this movie duplicity 2 hannah montana

[18:54] but beyond that there's no... the ride on the success of duplicity 1

[18:57] of the hit blockbuster film duplicity

[19:00] again i'm sure they assume that anyone who bothered to watch the hannah montana

[19:04] movie

[19:05] is familiar with the show and thus doesn't need any explanation. They're already on board

[19:08] but i would i would appreciate that it being a movie they would reset it to the

[19:13] degree of explaining

[19:14] why on earth she has to lead this double life in the first place. You, a man in his early

[19:18] thirties would appreciate if the hannah montana movie was a little bit more logical.

[19:22] say i'm a... say i'm an eleven year old girl. I know it's hard to imagine that

[19:26] elliot but do it. I don't know, it's not as hard as you would think. Say i'm an eleven year old girl

[19:31] and i'm going to my first sleepover

[19:33] and i've never seen the hannah montana tv show. You've never seen the hannah montana show?

[19:38] you gotta... oh my god it's so good. Well it's great because we've got the hannah montana

[19:42] movie right here. Let's show you the hannah montana movie. Your parents probably won't let you watch it. Wait a minute.

[19:45] what the fuck what's going on

[19:47] i'm a really... i'm a very sweary eleven year old girl. What the fuck what's

[19:50] happening why is this girl

[19:52] leading a double life rather than just enjoying the fruits of her pop stardom

[19:56] I don't want to be friends with you anymore.

[19:58] well

[19:59] see

[20:00] and i think it would be a great ruining children's lives

[20:04] well if you get it fast forward to the end of the week

[20:06] uh... hannah montana is doing a benefit concert to save crowley meadows

[20:12] was you just i mean she's a

[20:13] super pop star wasn't she just pay for it

[20:15] that's a good question well you know it's uh... basically attacks right off

[20:19] and everything i don't know yet

[20:21] in order to

[20:22] she's she can't live this double life more she can't lie to her family more so

[20:25] she unmasks

[20:27] which in this case means on waiting

[20:29] uh...

[20:30] and in front of the whole crowd that's there are a lot of waiting out

[20:33] no no no taking away golf

[20:36] and her best for some reason well the best is to hannah

[20:40] uh... all right that's not something i mean where well when when you're living

[20:43] a double life so for so long you you really split off i guess uh...

[20:48] but there's certain signifiers that you just got a

[20:50] yet shed

[20:51] but i think that's really one of the things is most impressive about my

[20:54] desires performance he doesn't change is really to completely difficult oh

[20:58] yeah i mean it's like it's like in the circus

[21:01] doleman this is the only this is dead ringers this is jeremy irons and

[21:05] dead-ringers yet you know you always know which which twenty-five yet you

[21:09] always know which one she's playing miley cyrus or hannah montana and

[21:12] it doesn't have to do with the fact that they have different color hair

[21:15] no it's to the fact that is completely different people

[21:17] yet to

[21:18] truly different characters like hannah montana is like a kind of crazy kind of

[21:22] goofy pop star

[21:23] and miley cyrus is like a kind of crazy kind of goofy

[21:26] everyday teen

[21:28] but she lacks the confidence that hannah montana has exactly

[21:31] because she's not a world-famous pop star because she's wearing a mask as

[21:34] hannah montana and by mask i mean wig because her face looks exactly the same

[21:39] but anyway she unwigs at the concert

[21:41] and says i can't live a lie anymore

[21:43] and uh... it would be cooler if she wore a mask though that would be a much cooler pop diva

[21:48] it would be great

[21:49] yeah yeah like a weird like that's more like lady gaga there

[21:53] that's uh... there's nothing wrong with that

[21:54] theatricality sounds like lady mask mask

[21:57] yeah

[21:59] okay keep going i'm there

[22:02] she does that and she says well now i can't be hannah montana anymore and a little

[22:06] girl

[22:06] uh... who has faith in hannah montana says that they will keep her secret for

[22:10] her and the whole crowd agrees except for

[22:13] the british paparazzo who takes a picture of her

[22:16] who has reappeared out of nowhere after having

[22:20] gotten uh... eaten hot chili and fallen slipped on walnuts and fell on the boys

[22:25] there's a lot of slapstick pratfalls in this movie

[22:29] to the point where you expect characters to be paralyzed

[22:32] uh... and also ferrets running up people's legs and into their pants yeah

[22:36] hannah montana's brother has a ferret

[22:38] which causes so many shenanigans i like ferrets in beastmaster

[22:42] sure

[22:44] or that the movie a boy and his ferret was made by harlan ellison

[22:47] uh... you know logically that doesn't mean that any film of ferrets is

[22:51] enjoyable wrong every movie

[22:54] okay thanks for explaining that to me

[22:57] it makes a lot more sense now

[22:59] see i'm more of a beastmaster two through the portal of time guy but anyway that's me

[23:03] uh...

[23:04] the

[23:05] where we are so many of the paparazzo takes a picture

[23:08] everyone chases him

[23:10] they convince him to not give it away to the tabloid magazine because his

[23:13] daughters are big fans of hannah montana

[23:15] hannah montana goes out

[23:16] and does her show and quits his job and he quits his job too

[23:19] so hannah montana doesn't even bother to give him a job as a publicist

[23:24] print is dead she knew that he was going to be out on his butt soon anyway

[23:27] how is he going to pay to fly his two daughters back to england

[23:32] uh... i guess they're living here now

[23:34] i mean i guess they're going to have to how's he going to pay for their

[23:37] like room and board and stuff because i mean just quit his job yeah yeah and he

[23:42] was kind of inept at it in the first place so he probably didn't have that much money

[23:45] again this is a problem that i have with the whole hannah montana basic premise

[23:49] like

[23:50] i understand why the paparazzo wants to

[23:52] to know this like how this would be a big like

[23:55] scoop for him like oh this pop stars actually has a secret identity

[23:59] and i'm breaking the story

[24:01] however and she's all

[24:02] they'll never guess my secret identity

[24:06] she's singing about it

[24:07] but uh... although most of her songs do feature a lot of allusions to the fact

[24:13] that she's two people she sings a lot of songs about how great it is to be a

[24:17] regular girl who's also a pop star so you'd think that people would

[24:20] put two and two together

[24:22] maybe they think it's like a billy joel bruce springsteen like song story like

[24:25] well like a bruce willis and uh... that

[24:28] that bruno personality adapts

[24:32] i understand why it's important to like the journalist i mean we all saw

[24:37] you know how big that uh... that chris gaines story was when it broke that uh...

[24:41] he was actually garth brooks but uh...

[24:43] but but i don't understand

[24:45] why vanessa williams is like your whole career will be ruined and wait a minute

[24:49] secret comes out chris gaines is garth brooks

[24:53] uh... shatters so many illusions

[24:54] wait you mean chris gaines who only recorded one album and whose songs are usually

[24:58] performed by garth brooks in his stage shows

[25:01] they're the same guy

[25:05] the next thing you're going to tell me is that uh... that richard bachman's like what

[25:09] dean koontz or somebody? close, very close

[25:13] keep looking at the clues stewart

[25:16] that's a male deciphering

[25:19] okay

[25:20] i guess i'll go back to wikipedia you guys finish the show

[25:24] stewart is sitting at home cutting pages out of richard bachman novels piecing them together

[25:27] trying to get the clues it has to be in here somewhere

[25:30] everyone encodes their true identity in their work

[25:35] all these illusions to castle rock

[25:40] uh...

[25:41] that's how i learned that beatrix potter also wrote the story of old

[25:47] so anyway yeah why why would it be such a big deal to her fans that she has a

[25:51] secret identity i have no idea

[25:55] there's some things that i just can't explain why does she really need a secret identity

[25:59] the important thing is in the end everything works out

[26:02] she needs a secret identity so she can have the best of both worlds as explained in her

[26:05] first song

[26:06] an opening number

[26:07] the best of both worlds i guess you're right yeah it does work out because uh...

[26:11] she sings her benefit concert sorry for bringing it back to the music

[26:16] there are a lot of songs in this movie and they're all very generic and bland

[26:19] that's what it's all about

[26:20] and she has one her big song that she sings with her pop

[26:23] about butterflies and flying away that sounds a lot like that landslide

[26:27] that landslide a coming down song

[26:31] the Fleetwood Mac

[26:33] how she sees her reflection in a snow covered hill

[26:36] that's that was cocaine

[26:38] really spoiler alert i didn't realize

[26:42] metaphor alert

[26:44] i guess i never really cared enough

[26:46] to find out so anywho

[26:49] it was kind of like a white winged dove

[26:52] yeah

[26:53] yeah she looks like she's about seventeen

[26:57] that's all you care about stewart? no no no that's that song the white winged dove

[27:02] edges seventeen by Fleetwood Mac

[27:04] well it was just a stevie nicks solo song i think

[27:07] uh... yeah i'll check it out

[27:10] wikipedia that

[27:11] and then look up richard bachman

[27:13] don't really wikipedia. so you want me to wikipedia witchy woman

[27:16] but there's a lot of songs and they're not very good. stevie ray vaughan?

[27:23] anything else

[27:26] uh... yeah what else is going on in this movie not much it's very

[27:29] this it was like this is a

[27:31] a very

[27:32] mainstream nothing movie that

[27:35] it didn't have the craziness that the brats movie would occasionally have

[27:39] i was i was a little nervous going in because this is a movie where one person

[27:42] has to live in two worlds and she plays two roles

[27:46] hits you close to home

[27:48] in part yes it was going to make me very nervous

[27:52] because i didn't want you guys to find out

[27:54] i'm not going to keep talking about this because i might give up more than

[27:57] no no no it's ok we won't you but there was a i was worried there was going to

[28:01] be a that there wouldn't be a sequence where she has to be

[28:06] eat both people at the exact same time in two completely different places

[28:09] she has two dinners that are both set at the same time

[28:13] two early afternoon dinners that you couldn't possibly move for any reason

[28:17] absolutely not well one was a big lobster dinner with the mayor and her

[28:20] family with the count mayor

[28:23] mayor dracula and the other was

[28:25] at a local restaurant

[28:27] across the street from the mayor's office with her

[28:30] beau

[28:32] now

[28:33] how that i mean that's crazy she's going to have to like both go to both

[28:37] dinners and at the same time dodge all of her crazy fans and she's going to somehow have to run

[28:42] across that street several times and change wigs

[28:46] perhaps in a supply closet it's kind of weird she's got like her own personal

[28:50] makeup artist best friend it's not like she needs that much work i mean it's

[28:54] pretty simple like she just puts on a wig and puts on some makeup well apparently

[28:57] a shorter skirt

[28:59] yeah well apparently the makeup is actually fantastic and we're just not

[29:02] getting it even through the medium of blu-ray because no one can tell uh...

[29:06] hannah montana and miley cyrus are the same person she's painting lsd so potent that

[29:11] it just goes into the pores of people it radiates in waves yeah look at people

[29:15] it's like she's got like rick baker doing her effects

[29:18] yeah wouldn't hannah montana be tripping then?

[29:21] no her face has been her skin has been laminated

[29:23] okay i thought maybe she had built up an immunity over the years

[29:27] it's not iocane powder dan

[29:30] i thought maybe you know her early concerts were like

[29:33] you know seven hour jam affair because

[29:36] she was so high but then later on she just you know

[29:39] the inoffensive pop came in later when she got used to the drugs

[29:44] the psychedelia got taken out

[29:47] i think after she turned fourteen i'll tell you one thing i kind of prefer that to be

[29:51] honest i mean

[29:52] you know it's a little more family friendly

[29:54] you like her later works? yeah absolutely wait she had earlier works?

[30:00] Well, I assume that the show went on for several years, so I guess so.

[30:04] Is it not still on anymore?

[30:06] I think that this put a cap on the whole Anna Montana thing.

[30:09] Put a cap in her act.

[30:10] Eh?

[30:11] Eh?

[30:12] This is the exclamation point on what was an amazing sentence.

[30:17] This is the X-Files fight the future of the series, I guess.

[30:21] Well, I mean, Miley Cyrus performs as herself now.

[30:25] Is Billie Connelly's in it?

[30:27] Well, I thought Fight the Future was the first one.

[30:31] Yeah, Fight the Future was the first one.

[30:33] I wasn't paying attention.

[30:34] What's the second one?

[30:35] Trust No One or something?

[30:37] X-Files, this movie's shitty.

[30:40] Maybe they would call it that in the title.

[30:42] Opinions.

[30:45] Well, anyway, I mentioned this while we were watching.

[30:49] The movie struck me as the kind of movie you would see in the mid-60s if there was a pop sensation

[30:55] who had a hit record and some smaller low-budget studio,

[30:59] or maybe even Disney's live-action arm, which it was in this case,

[31:03] decides to build a movie around her where they're like,

[31:05] we need her to sing a certain number of songs.

[31:07] She's got to have some wacky scenes.

[31:09] The characters are going to do pratfalls.

[31:11] It's going to be inoffensive, and we'll make it quickly, and it won't be very good.

[31:15] And if you have trouble filling time, we'll throw in some additional characters

[31:21] who have bits where an animal might bite them on the ass.

[31:24] Exactly.

[31:25] There might be a fart or a bloodhound doing a double take or something.

[31:29] That bloodhound, they kept cutting to it, or they cut to it a couple of times

[31:33] as if it was going to do a double take, and it never did.

[31:35] Yeah, I was fucking holding onto the edge of my seat here.

[31:37] Yeah, and barely did a single take.

[31:39] I know.

[31:40] You thought this was a Roger Moore, James Bond movie, but then nothing.

[31:42] Nothing at all.

[31:43] But there was a sequence where a young child, or young man, I guess,

[31:49] gets attacked by an alligator in a swamp.

[31:51] And he's like a zookeeper, even though he's probably about 14 years old.

[31:56] I think that's probably fair.

[31:58] But an alligator bites him, and the kids he's touring around at the zoo are all laughing,

[32:05] and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[32:07] But it's like, no, you are in serious danger.

[32:10] Yeah.

[32:11] That is a man-eater.

[32:12] It will probably drown you first.

[32:14] It'll take you underwater and drown you.

[32:16] At the best-case scenario, it rips a chunk of flesh out of your posterior,

[32:20] and you get to a doctor in time that he can stop the bleeding.

[32:23] Yeah, and possibly do some kind of a butt graft.

[32:26] And you better hope it's not like, if a Komodo dragon bites you,

[32:29] the bacteria in its mouth will kill you.

[32:31] It's toxic there.

[32:32] You better hope this alligator is not the same problem.

[32:34] It's not like part Komodo dragon, Elliot?

[32:36] I'm just saying it's an issue that you might have to think about.

[32:39] Are you just trying to show off how much you know about Komodo dragons?

[32:44] Yes, I'm just trying to show off how much I know about Komodo dragons.

[32:46] It's the one thing I know about them.

[32:48] It's like a swamp.

[32:49] I mean, you don't know what's in that water.

[32:51] You get like a staph infection.

[32:52] True.

[32:54] Speaking of which, he seemed to be the only staph member at that zoo.

[32:57] What's the deal?

[32:58] Whoa!

[32:59] Segway.

[33:00] That's how you segway into a dead end.

[33:03] Who staffs that zoo when they're not living down there,

[33:06] when they're living back in L.A.?

[33:07] I think the zoo shuts down and the animals roam free across Tennessee.

[33:11] Okay, that makes sense.

[33:13] In the great field that will someday become a mall.

[33:16] Hopefully.

[33:17] We can only hope.

[33:18] Yeah.

[33:19] So they win the day, the mall isn't built.

[33:23] Miley Cyrus sings three songs and then drives off in a truck through the crowd.

[33:29] She gets to kiss her boyfriend.

[33:31] Does she?

[33:32] I don't even remember that.

[33:33] Yeah, they kiss behind the, you know, relatively short.

[33:37] I mean, they left a fair amount of space between them.

[33:40] I just, I mean, like this is, I know that, don't get me wrong,

[33:43] I don't want to hold Miley Cyrus.

[33:45] You're allowed one kiss.

[33:46] It's a chased movie.

[33:47] Whoa, whoa.

[33:48] You're like, you're in another room, you ran back in,

[33:50] you ran back in to immediately just interrupt what I was saying.

[33:54] I just wanted to defend the innocent act of kissing.

[33:56] Oh, okay.

[33:57] There was a fair number of.

[33:58] I thought you just couldn't resist running into.

[33:59] To interrupt you.

[34:00] Coming in the middle of the scene.

[34:01] I haven't interrupted you.

[34:02] There was a fair number of, there was a fair number of Miley Cyrus,

[34:05] like, shaking her hair in the wind in slow motion shots.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:09] Well, this was also, this movie was based on a shampoo commercial.

[34:12] Oh, for real?

[34:14] Which one, Prell?

[34:15] It was either Prell or what's the one where the women climax

[34:18] while they're washing their hair?

[34:19] Oh, uh.

[34:20] Prell.

[34:21] No, it was like Nat Organic.

[34:23] Herbal Essences.

[34:24] Herbal Essences.

[34:25] No, it wasn't that one.

[34:26] Okay, it wasn't that one.

[34:27] What's the one where they put, where they put in their hair

[34:32] and it changes color?

[34:33] Wait, is that the one that's like tingling on one side and not on the other?

[34:36] That's a different one, but it's not that one either.

[34:38] Okay.

[34:39] What's the one, I guess it was a hair color,

[34:40] coloring thing that Elaine Bennis used to do ads for.

[34:43] All right, okay, so the fact that we're talking about shampoo commercials.

[34:47] You wanted to say something about Hannah Montana.

[34:49] No, I was just going to say, don't get me wrong,

[34:52] I don't want this movie to end with a full Miley Cyrus concert.

[34:57] However, it does irritate me in movies where they have like a concert or something

[35:02] and because of the time constraints of it being a movie,

[35:05] they're like, well, we're going to play two songs and then the concert's over

[35:08] and there's no like time dash in between.

[35:10] It's just like, well, we saw you come out on stage and we're seeing you leave

[35:14] and I want the audience to riot at that point.

[35:17] We paid $500 to come see this Miley Cyrus concert.

[35:21] It seems like everybody who's at the concert lives in the town.

[35:24] So like if they care that much about the fucking town,

[35:28] why do they need a Hannah Montana concert for them to pay?

[35:30] They just donate the money.

[35:31] Yeah, like it just doesn't make sense.

[35:33] I think a lot of those people wanted that mall built.

[35:35] Yeah.

[35:37] They didn't realize this was a fundraiser and they felt gypped or tricked afterwards.

[35:41] Yeah, thank you.

[35:43] Yeah, I didn't mean to slur gypsies.

[35:45] Thank you.

[35:46] Or Roma as they prefer.

[35:48] Romani.

[35:50] Like Ray Romani for like Everybody Loves Raymond.

[35:53] Yeah, just like that guy.

[35:55] So the people were pretty happy though that she only did two songs.

[36:01] They were all cheering as she drove away.

[36:03] It seemed to be why they were cheering, yeah.

[36:05] They were throwing themselves under the wheels of the truck as it was leaving.

[36:08] I guess they were so angry that she turned out to be a brunette that they just wanted it to be over.

[36:12] Yeah, brunettes are grosser.

[36:14] Yeah.

[36:15] I disagree.

[36:16] Anyway, no, I disagree too, but for the sake of comedy.

[36:20] Oh, okay.

[36:21] Yeah, then we all agree.

[36:22] We all agree.

[36:23] For the sake of comedy.

[36:24] But I mean that's the whole point, right?

[36:25] For the sake of comedy?

[36:26] No.

[36:28] God.

[36:29] For the love of Benji.

[36:30] It's because of like that's why she's blonde when she's Hannah Montana, right?

[36:34] Because they have more fun?

[36:35] Yeah, absolutely.

[36:36] Sure.

[36:37] And she has bangs.

[36:39] I think that in real life, Miley Cyrus has brown hair.

[36:41] So Hannah Montana just had to have different hair.

[36:43] She would be jet black with like a blue streak in it.

[36:46] That would be kind of awesome.

[36:47] A DVD with the felt blue streaks.

[36:50] Braided in.

[36:52] Right in her hair, yeah.

[36:54] All right, guys.

[36:56] I would prefer Black Knight.

[36:57] Is that possible?

[36:58] As long as Mr. Lawrence is in it.

[37:03] Big Mama's house.

[37:04] They're all good.

[37:05] Pretty much my requirement.

[37:06] Nothing to lose.

[37:07] Oh, man.

[37:09] Okay, so I think we're pretty much done with this.

[37:12] Yeah, let's put a pause.

[37:13] They made a movie of Martin?

[37:15] Well, they didn't really.

[37:17] There is a movie called Martin, but it's not based on the TV show.

[37:20] It's a movie about a confused boy who thinks he might be a vampire.

[37:24] Anyway, let's go on to Final Judgment-deba.

[37:28] Final Judgments.

[37:29] Final Judgment-deba.

[37:31] That's what we call it now.

[37:33] The categories are, as always, was this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[37:38] or a movie that you actually kind of liked?

[37:41] Stuart, what do you have to say about it?

[37:44] I think I'm going to put it on the line between bad, bad movie and good, bad movie.

[37:49] It was relatively light.

[37:50] It moved quickly.

[37:51] There was a whole bunch of pratfalls, as we've already pointed out.

[37:55] There was one very genuinely funny piece of physical comedy, in my opinion.

[38:00] They called the plate breaking.

[38:01] It's not great.

[38:03] It's not like, hey, let's watch this and laugh.

[38:06] I also like to joke about a lobster bib.

[38:09] She was at a lobster dinner, and she had to run across to her boyfriend's dinner,

[38:13] and she still had the lobster bib on.

[38:16] He's like, why do you have that?

[38:17] She's like, because I planned to order lobster.

[38:20] It's just this huge, goofy hand motion.

[38:23] It's kind of funny.

[38:24] I think it's funny because she's also wearing a completely different outfit

[38:28] than the one she was wearing that normally had the lobster bib.

[38:31] It was some kind of cartoon, and she just threw all the clothes in the air

[38:34] and then landed on him.

[38:36] I'm surprised they didn't have a thing where people try to get at her and jump at her,

[38:39] and she sneaks out from underneath the pile of people.

[38:42] Yeah, right.

[38:43] They keep fighting or whatever.

[38:45] The closest thing they did to that was she snuck under a table with a tablecloth,

[38:49] and the table's moving through the room, and somebody acknowledges it

[38:53] but doesn't really say anything.

[38:56] I think it was the mayor.

[38:58] The mayor has a look on his face like, that's weird that that table's moving,

[39:02] but I guess I won't investigate.

[39:04] So what do you say, Elliot?

[39:06] I kind of agree with Stuart.

[39:07] I feel like it was one of those things where it wasn't a particularly good movie,

[39:11] but it was not a painful movie, but we were just not the audience for it.

[39:15] I'm sure this is a good movie for 13-year-old girls,

[39:19] but for us it just wasn't going to do the job.

[39:21] It wasn't like 10,000 B.C. where we couldn't stand sitting through it.

[39:27] There's no audience for that movie.

[39:29] No, there isn't.

[39:30] No.

[39:31] Except people who want to hunt mannocks.

[39:33] Or as we call them, mammoths.

[39:36] Yeah, I agree with you guys.

[39:38] I feel like it kind of falls outside of the categories

[39:42] because what I would say about it is it's inoffensive.

[39:47] It's like you say about movies from the 60s.

[39:51] It's appropriate that this is a Disney production

[39:54] because it feels like it could be the Million Dollar Duck or something like that.

[39:58] Is that a movie?

[40:00] Jones could be in it or something, so.

[40:02] Or like Hayley Mills.

[40:03] Yeah.

[40:04] It's not a movie.

[40:05] No, I want to see Dee Jones.

[40:06] OK.

[40:07] Just saying.

[40:09] And Kurt Russell as Miley Cyrus.

[40:13] But yeah, it's very inoffensive, and it's not

[40:16] particularly irritating, but it's not particularly

[40:18] entertaining if you're not on the same wavelength as it.

[40:22] So I would say don't bother renting it

[40:24] unless you are the age group it is meant for and gender group.

[40:28] So I have some good letters here moving on.

[40:32] Wait, did he give his?

[40:33] Yeah, he just did.

[40:34] OK, I wasn't paying attention.

[40:37] I was looking at my phone, I think.

[40:38] Keep up.

[40:40] So I have some good letters here.

[40:41] First one is titled Wolverine.

[40:44] I like it already.

[40:45] Sure.

[40:47] I like where it's going.

[40:48] It's from Jen, last name with hell.

[40:50] It's from Logan, last name with hell.

[40:52] Hey, bub, it starts.

[40:54] It says, all the way from Madripoor.

[40:58] OK.

[40:59] I was listening to that episode again the other day,

[41:00] and we were talking about Madripoor for a while,

[41:02] and Dan said, let's not talk about this anymore.

[41:08] As I said, it's from Jen, last name with hell.

[41:10] Jen is a longtime listener.

[41:13] First time writer.

[41:14] A big supporter.

[41:14] No, she's written before, I think.

[41:15] Oh, well that's very nice.

[41:17] Thanks for supporting us.

[41:18] She says, so how many emails did you

[41:20] get from female comic book readers after the last episode?

[41:22] I'm guessing at least a couple, because there's probably

[41:25] quite a bit of overlap between that population

[41:27] and your female listeners.

[41:28] Or maybe it's just me, and I'm a freak after all.

[41:32] Now, we actually didn't get any letters.

[41:35] This is either because we're not popular enough

[41:37] to get outraged letters.

[41:39] Check.

[41:39] Or because our readers, our listeners, we're lucky enough.

[41:46] For the deaf, we do have a transcript that goes in.

[41:50] If you want a transcript, please write to PO Box 805-FLOP.

[41:55] I forget where the joke comes from.

[41:56] It's somewhere in the joke.

[41:57] If you want a transcript of this program, watch it again

[42:00] and type very fast, or something like that.

[42:02] No, but we're also lucky enough to have listeners who, I think,

[42:07] understand that 90% of the sexism on the show

[42:11] is a put-on, and the other 10% comes from Stewart.

[42:16] Only 10% for real?

[42:18] Continuing, she says, she can also

[42:24] answer everyone's questions about Gambit.

[42:26] You all don't see his appeal because none of you

[42:28] were once a 13-year-old girl reading

[42:30] X-Men, the dark, dangerous anti-hero

[42:33] with a crazy Cajun accent.

[42:35] Yeah, total girl bait.

[42:37] I happen to know I was not the only grown-up straight girl

[42:39] comic reader interested in seeing the Wolverine movie

[42:42] pretty much just to see how Gambit would

[42:44] appear in real life form.

[42:45] Weren't we disappointed?

[42:47] And she asks, any plans to watch Powder Blue?

[42:50] I hear it's got Jessica Biel as a stripper,

[42:52] and Forrest Whitaker as a priest, and Chris Christopherson.

[42:55] I don't know what he's supposed to be,

[42:57] but the fact he's there is crazy enough.

[42:59] Happy, belated congrats on 50 episodes.

[43:02] We did discuss Powder Blue at the time,

[43:04] but I guess we decided that a-

[43:05] It sounds like it's just a very turgid, not enjoyable movie.

[43:10] Yeah.

[43:11] So I'll just watch it by myself with the fast forward

[43:14] button handy.

[43:14] Or you could just go on the internet.

[43:16] through most of the movie.

[43:17] Well, I can use, I can jump scenes.

[43:20] Blu-rays let you do that, Elliot.

[43:22] Or again, the internet.

[43:23] Yeah, and also the-

[43:24] What do I use the internet for?

[43:26] For pornography.

[43:27] Oh, OK.

[43:28] Wait, this is a porno movie?

[43:30] No, but Jessica Biel has no clothes on at one point.

[43:33] Oh, OK, cool.

[43:35] And it's-

[43:36] No more spoilers.

[43:39] I believe he's going to spoil it by saying

[43:41] it was a direct-to-DVD film.

[43:42] It was a direct-to-DVD film, so it kind of falls

[43:44] outside of our thing usually.

[43:45] But also like-

[43:45] A purview.

[43:46] But also our purview, in this case.

[43:48] Because also, the Jessica Biel scenes are not,

[43:53] it's almost, they're such a disappointment, you know.

[43:57] Yeah, I-

[43:57] Is she going to the bathroom or something?

[43:59] Yes.

[44:03] I gotcha.

[44:04] Erotic.

[44:04] Zingia!

[44:05] Yeah, got me.

[44:06] You did Zingia.

[44:09] OK, let's move on.

[44:10] Do we have other letters?

[44:11] Yeah, this one is titled, Oh, Dan.

[44:16] And I have to say-

[44:18] It sounds like you wrote it.

[44:19] I have to say, this is neither the first email I've gotten

[44:23] that has been titled, Oh, Dan, nor is it

[44:25] the first conversation I've had that has started with someone

[44:28] going, oh, Dan.

[44:31] But anyway, it's from Ashley, last name withheld.

[44:34] And it says-

[44:35] Blophouse Ladies.

[44:36] Dan, I cannot abide this any longer.

[44:40] Elliot and Stuart have received flattering bordering

[44:42] on creepy pieces of fan mail, which have clearly

[44:45] had a negative effect on your self-esteem.

[44:47] The least popular flopper, you say?

[44:49] Not so, I say.

[44:51] Although I certainly can't resist Elliot's

[44:53] impressive intellect and Stuart's raw masculinity

[44:56] and reportedly large penis.

[44:58] I'd still rather have those than the intellect.

[45:01] I'd have to admit that you're my number one flophouse crush.

[45:05] You're the mastermind, the organizer, the ideas man.

[45:08] The Cyclops.

[45:08] You're sensitive, pensive.

[45:10] The Leonardo.

[45:10] With a dry wit.

[45:12] All this, plus those gentlemanly good looks

[45:14] and pleasingly low voice.

[45:16] Sigh.

[45:17] Please don't feel inferior to your fellow floppers, Dan.

[45:20] I'm sure I'm not the only listener whose heart

[45:22] you wormed your way into.

[45:24] And with you, she doesn't have to worry about you,

[45:26] like, messing around.

[45:27] Signs Dan.

[45:28] Guys, uh.

[45:29] That's true, because, yeah, you're the guy.

[45:31] I mean, she's done having fun with us.

[45:33] Time to settle down.

[45:35] Sure.

[45:36] That was a-

[45:36] Someone with a round face.

[45:38] That was a very nice letter.

[45:41] Guys, I think I've fallen for Ashley's last name without.

[45:45] OK, should I tell Lulu that you're going to be leaving?

[45:50] Yeah, that's not where I thought you were going to go with that.

[45:52] I thought you were going to mention my wife.

[45:53] Oh, well, you talked to the chancellor.

[45:54] You're married?

[45:56] That's who that is?

[45:57] You've got to get this Angela girl out of your life.

[46:00] This is, oh, Ashley, I mean.

[46:02] Wait, wait, who's Angela?

[46:04] I got to go.

[46:07] Well, maybe, you know, maybe Sarah and Ashley

[46:10] and, heck, Angela, too.

[46:12] Maybe we can all work something out, you know?

[46:15] Wow, that's the type of joke I'd make, too.

[46:17] Yeah, you're cutting into Stuart's sexism right now.

[46:20] Yeah, dude.

[46:20] That's why I'm down to 10%.

[46:23] Why is it sexism?

[46:24] We haven't asked Ashley and the fictitional, fictitious,

[46:29] Angela what they think of their relationship.

[46:31] Yeah, dude, you're just trying to talk them

[46:33] into doing what their bodies want.

[46:35] Maybe do some back rubs as a team.

[46:39] Maybe do back rubs.

[46:40] Turn into some other kind of heavy petting.

[46:42] I'll write up a whole, like, scenario.

[46:44] We'll write some fiction about it.

[46:46] It'll be like a D&D adventure, though.

[46:47] No, no.

[46:48] Complete with graph paper.

[46:49] You'll have to roll dice at every step

[46:51] to see if you get farther.

[46:52] Absolutely.

[46:53] On a less gross note, I would like

[46:55] to thank Ashley for taking my bait.

[47:00] Your boy bait?

[47:01] For the compliments I was fishing for.

[47:03] Well, they're long overdue.

[47:06] Well, but here's the funny thing.

[47:07] The same day I got this email, and I wanted to just-

[47:09] I thought you were pretty handsome.

[47:10] Yeah, he's a very good looking man.

[47:12] And he does have a very pleasing voice.

[47:14] And you're sitting on the floor right now,

[47:15] and that does something weird for me.

[47:17] Guys, I feel like this is going to get

[47:18] into the weird slash fiction area

[47:21] that another reader sent us.

[47:22] Well, hey, let's turn off the mics for a little bit.

[47:24] Let's talk about how we feel.

[47:26] I'll leave them on.

[47:27] I want to say that the same day I got that email from Ashley,

[47:31] I saw that some people were coming to the blog,

[47:36] from another podcast called the Hot Cakes Podcast.

[47:43] And the show notes, I saw the Flophouse

[47:45] had been mentioned in one of the episodes.

[47:47] I'm like, huh, I'll listen to this.

[47:49] And I listened through, and I guess

[47:51] the Flophouse being mentioned.

[47:53] And these gentlemen, these hosts,

[47:54] are so nice about the show, very complimentary.

[47:58] They say that one of them was recommending it together,

[48:00] and he says, I find it extremely pleasurable.

[48:02] It's very funny.

[48:04] And he mentions, he's just like, oh, you know,

[48:07] it's hosted by these three guys.

[48:08] There's Elliot Kalin.

[48:11] He writes for The Daily Show.

[48:14] There's this guy, Stuart Wellington.

[48:17] He keeps talking about his big balls.

[48:19] OK, that's fallacious, but that's OK.

[48:24] And, oh, man, he could not remember my name.

[48:30] He remembered you guys' full names.

[48:32] And what we do.

[48:34] I mean, he inaccurately remembers what I do,

[48:37] but that's OK.

[48:38] I'm literally the only one of the three of us

[48:43] who has been on every show, and he could not

[48:45] remember just one of my names.

[48:47] Your name comes up at the beginning

[48:49] of every episode, but for some reason,

[48:50] our names seem to come up during episodes.

[48:54] See, I think the problem is I don't have a hook.

[48:56] Like, he was able to, he was like, oh, there's a guy.

[48:58] He writes for The Daily Show.

[49:00] That's a big hook.

[49:01] Guy with a junk.

[49:02] The genitals guy, that's a big hook.

[49:05] I need something that I can really say my name into.

[49:09] And I wanted to present this to you guys.

[49:12] I wanted to present this to you guys

[49:13] and see what you thought my hook should be,

[49:15] and maybe I could start working with it.

[49:16] You want to have, like, a character?

[49:16] Yeah, you know, well, not a character.

[49:18] I'm not a quip put on.

[49:19] I just want, like, a trait that I can.

[49:21] What if you're, like, the guy who keeps sneezing?

[49:23] I think that would be more irritating to listeners

[49:25] than anything else.

[49:26] How about you're the guy who straightens

[49:27] his tie before every joke?

[49:29] Again, not something that you can see on the podcast.

[49:31] What if you're, like, you dance really well?

[49:35] Visual.

[49:36] What about when you wake up every morning,

[49:39] you say, time to make the doughnuts?

[49:45] So the listener to the podcast would just know this about me?

[49:48] Yeah, well, what if you joined, like, the volunteer fire squad?

[49:52] I like that.

[49:52] Yeah.

[49:53] No, I like that a lot.

[49:54] Yeah.

[49:55] I mean, I guess that's fair, because it's not like you

[49:58] write for The Daily Show on the.

[50:00] as long as we get to hear that happening.

[50:03] So if we just talked about me doing some of these things...

[50:05] Yeah, yeah. I mean, we don't even have to talk about it.

[50:07] Maybe we should record it while you're writing, though.

[50:09] Like, would that be really exciting?

[50:10] It would be very distracting to me.

[50:12] Oh, okay.

[50:13] While I'm working.

[50:14] Probably to my co-workers.

[50:15] If you came into the office with...

[50:17] Yeah, Stuart, you could hold the laptop,

[50:20] and I could have, like...

[50:21] And you hold, like, the boom mic.

[50:22] Yeah.

[50:23] Well, let's see. What could you think?

[50:24] Maybe, like, you love coffee.

[50:26] That feels kind of hacky to me.

[50:31] Okay, well, what if, like, in your spare time,

[50:34] you are, like, a survivalist?

[50:36] You've got a militia.

[50:37] Yeah, that's pretty good, yeah.

[50:38] You make your own money out of gold.

[50:40] You know a lot about that stuff.

[50:41] Yeah, you love that.

[50:42] You're always talking about how the government's going to collapse.

[50:44] Wait, hold on.

[50:45] That's why you're on those lists.

[50:46] No, I don't...

[50:47] Impressions.

[50:48] You're the guy who does all the impressions.

[50:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[50:50] It's a lot of, like,

[50:51] I'm Elliot, this is Stuart,

[50:52] and then Dan comes along and goes,

[50:54] Well, this is Dan McCoy as Jimmy Stewart.

[50:57] That's a terrible impression.

[50:58] No, that's good.

[50:59] No, this is my impression of you doing Jimmy Stewart.

[51:01] My Jimmy Stewart is much better.

[51:02] Oh.

[51:03] Yeah, or you could be, like, that guy from the Police Academy movies,

[51:07] the Motormouth guy.

[51:08] Michael Wins...

[51:09] Oh, you mean...

[51:10] Motormouth Jones, yeah.

[51:11] I think you're the sound effects guy.

[51:12] Yeah, that guy.

[51:13] Michael Winslow.

[51:14] Yeah, no, I'm talking about his character.

[51:15] I don't think his character's named Motormouth Jones.

[51:17] I made that up.

[51:18] I think you're thinking about the Micro Machines guy.

[51:20] You could be, like, the Micro Machines guy and talk really fast.

[51:22] All right.

[51:23] Or you could try it.

[51:24] Try it out.

[51:27] No, you're not going to go fast.

[51:28] Yeah, give us, like, the King James Bible all the way through,

[51:30] in, like, a minute.

[51:33] Say it more like you had a mustache.

[51:36] Not like you're talking about tiny cars.

[51:39] I think this would involve me having the King James Bible memorized,

[51:43] is the problem.

[51:44] Well, that's the first step.

[51:45] I do like that when they wanted to say, like,

[51:47] our toy is tiny cars, tiny cars, tiny cars.

[51:51] Talking really fast.

[51:52] Of course.

[51:53] It makes perfect sense.

[51:54] All right, well, guys, these are all great ideas.

[51:56] I think I'm going to sleep on them.

[51:57] Yeah.

[51:58] We could also do, like, a little listener contest

[52:00] where they could send in hook ideas.

[52:02] Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

[52:03] Since the last listener contest was really successful so far.

[52:06] Yeah.

[52:07] Well, we do, like, your friend claimed that he was going to give us

[52:11] some DVDs of Stull with the DVD commentary.

[52:15] Maybe if I'm mentioning this, we'll guilt him into doing that.

[52:17] Oh, yeah.

[52:18] I haven't talked to him in a little bit.

[52:20] I can check up with him.

[52:21] If people, if listeners come in, if listeners write in with ideas

[52:26] for something that will make all of you fall in love with me

[52:28] the way that Ashley Lastname would help us fall in love with her.

[52:30] You just got to be yourself, Dan, and you'll find the right girl eventually.

[52:33] Maybe even your wife.

[52:36] I've been living with her for a while.

[52:38] But you need confidence.

[52:39] That's the thing.

[52:40] Girls like guys who like themselves.

[52:42] Right, Stuart?

[52:43] Or, no, guys who can dance good.

[52:45] Yeah, yeah, or learn how to dance real good.

[52:47] Or wear wolf shirts.

[52:50] Yes, kill a wolf and wear it like a shirt.

[52:52] And the mouth is right over your head, so it looks like you're inside the wolf.

[52:57] Yeah.

[52:58] No, that's good.

[52:59] That's really good.

[53:00] That's really good.

[53:01] What if you're like, oh, I'm Dan, and I'm so sleepy.

[53:04] Dan who's always sleepy?

[53:05] That's good, too.

[53:07] There's something adorable about it.

[53:08] You can't win this contest, though, right?

[53:10] Because that would be unfair.

[53:11] No, I can't enter.

[53:12] Or else I would win.

[53:13] I'd win the grand prize, which is what, Dan?

[53:16] Well, maybe it'll be a DVD.

[53:18] Okay.

[53:19] Some kind of a DVD.

[53:20] Please enter this contest, give Dan his hook, and you'll possibly win a DVD.

[53:24] Maybe the DVD we watch tonight, right?

[53:27] The Hannah Montana DVD.

[53:28] Well, I was thinking, again, of hopefully.

[53:30] I think it's a Netflix DVD.

[53:31] Hopefully it's a stolen DVD.

[53:32] Well, Netflix can hold their horses.

[53:33] Yeah, yeah.

[53:34] The stolen DVD would be a good prize.

[53:35] What if Netflix wins?

[53:36] What?

[53:37] If Netflix wins, they get their.

[53:38] Netflix can't enter.

[53:39] Wait a minute.

[53:40] How are they going to get their DVD back?

[53:42] They're just going to have to come get it, man.

[53:45] Stop being so lazy, Netflix.

[53:47] Okay, so.

[53:48] So we've talked a long time.

[53:50] I don't know whether we really have any time for recommendations.

[53:53] I mean, we can do it really fast rather than getting into detail and maybe just run down.

[53:58] Sure.

[53:59] Okay, I'll recommend a movie I saw a long time ago that's really good called Castle Freak.

[54:07] It's directed by Stuart Gordon.

[54:09] It's really awesome because this family moves into an Italian castle that they happen to inherit.

[54:16] And little do they know that there's this crazy misshapen freak, a castle freak, living in the basement,

[54:23] who flips out, kills a bunch of people.

[54:25] I think he bites a prostitute's boob off.

[54:28] And then I think he even rips off his own ding dong in a rage.

[54:31] Totally awesome movie.

[54:33] Sounds like an X-rated end of Rumpelstiltskin.

[54:37] Very similar, yeah.

[54:38] Very similar, yeah.

[54:39] So that's released by Kino, I assume?

[54:41] Yes, it's, nope, Full Moon Pictures.

[54:45] Oh, okay.

[54:46] Close.

[54:47] Very close.

[54:48] Very close.

[54:49] Elliot, what do you got?

[54:50] I have a recommendation that's half recommendation, half plug.

[54:53] I have another film screening coming up for anyone who's in New York on February 3rd,

[54:58] first Wednesday in February at 92 White Tribeca.

[55:00] We're going to be showing Divorce Italian Style.

[55:02] And if you don't live in the New York area or can't come,

[55:05] I would still recommend you seeing Divorce Italian Style.

[55:08] I re-watched it just recently to review for this screening so I could take my notes on it.

[55:12] And I was reminded what a fun movie it is.

[55:16] I just watched the documentary Bright Leaves.

[55:22] What's his face?

[55:24] Do you know who I'm talking about?

[55:26] No, I don't.

[55:27] The guy that did Sherman's March.

[55:28] Oh, okay.

[55:29] I know who you mean, but I don't remember his name.

[55:31] This is going to kill me that I can't remember the name.

[55:34] Harry Leaves.

[55:36] No.

[55:37] Powers Booth.

[55:39] He's known for making documentaries sort of in the form of kind of personal essays.

[55:43] Using his own life to kind of talk about larger subjects.

[55:47] Right.

[55:48] And also the thing is about a lot of documentaries,

[55:50] either they're polemical in the sense that they have like a specific point that they're trying to make

[55:54] or they are movies about life that are kind of trying to shoehorn life

[55:59] into more of a traditional narrative often.

[56:02] Whereas this movie was much more kind of freeform.

[56:07] It follows his whims wherever they may take him.

[56:12] And that seems like it's kind of artless,

[56:16] but it takes as much shaping and editing as anything to make it interesting and engaging.

[56:21] And it certainly was that.

[56:23] And so I enjoyed that a lot.

[56:25] And so Bright Leaves is my recommendation.

[56:28] So in order of quality or not, we got Castle Freak.

[56:35] Divorce Italian Style.

[56:37] Yep.

[56:38] Divorce Italian Style.

[56:40] I was going to try to say it in Italian, but I don't know what that is.

[56:42] And Bright Leaves.

[56:44] Just Bright Leaves.

[56:46] Not Bright Bright Leaves.

[56:47] No.

[56:48] In case you're looking it up.

[56:49] So guys.

[56:50] Directed by somebody.

[56:54] You're disparaging any movie that's not Castle Freak.

[56:58] I'm going to have to cut this short.

[57:00] I have a concert that I have to attend as an audience member

[57:06] and certainly not perform on stage as part of it.

[57:09] It looks like you have a wig in your hand.

[57:10] What's that all about?

[57:11] No, this is a merkin.

[57:13] Anyway.

[57:14] It's really long hair for a merkin.

[57:17] I like a lot of hair down there.

[57:18] Bright blonde.

[57:19] So for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[57:23] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[57:25] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[57:28] Goodnight.

[57:33] I apologize for the lack of a table.

[57:35] Theoretically, we're getting a new table at some point.

[57:37] Sure, sure.

[57:38] It's kind of cool.

[57:39] I like it.

[57:40] It's kind of like college.

[57:42] You need beanbag chairs.

[57:45] And a poster of Clockwork Orange.

[57:47] Or Jim Belushi wearing a college sweater.

[57:50] Or those people kissing in Paris.

[57:54] Oh, you must have been in one of our theater kids' rooms.

[57:58] That shot from Taxi Driver that's not in a lot of girls' rooms.

[58:01] I was always weirded out by girls' rooms.

[58:03] Because I was their platonic friend.

[58:06] You listened to their troubles.

[58:07] Girls' rooms always smelled like the Mossman He-Man figurine.

The Flop House: Episode #53 - Hannah Montana: The Movie

Transcript

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