The Flop House: Episode 54 - Gamer

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we ask the question, can the filmmakers who brought us the Hong Kong cocktail really deliver a boring movie?

[0:08] We discuss Gamer.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:40] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:41] And I'm Matt Koff.

[0:43] Yes, Stuart's away. He just got a promotion at work.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] Congratulations, Stuart. You did it. You're living the dream.

Dan McCoy

[0:50] Yeah, I assume he's doing something relating to that.

[0:53] Going to strip clubs, getting very drunk with other managers, which is, as I understand it, what his job entails.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] Well, he's the guy who entertains the clients when they're in town.

[1:04] So, takes them to strip clubs, whorehouses, snuff films, places where you can kill people for money, underwater casinos, space brothels.

Dan McCoy

[1:15] Places where you can use a flamethrower on a bear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17] That's his dream, yeah. Someday he'll open that place and be shut down instantly.

Dan McCoy

[1:22] Not in Germany.

[1:23] Matt, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] So we replaced Stuart with another deep-voiced Lothario.

[1:29] Hello.

S3

[1:31] I actually don't know how... My voice isn't that deep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] I mean, I guess...

[1:36] Compared to mine it is. I'm like a slide whistle.

[1:38] The top end of the slide whistle.

S3

[1:40] I feel like Dan is Mr. Deep.

Dan McCoy

[1:42] You've got like sort of a sleepy voice, though.

[1:45] I do.

[1:45] Like Stuart did.

S3

[1:46] Okay, I'll be the sleepy guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:48] Yeah. You won't say much.

[1:51] My favorite Jonathan Silverman sitcom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] You've already got...

[1:54] The sleepy guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:56] Matt already has a more memorable hook than I do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58] Yeah, I was listening to that the other day, how we were trying to think of a hook for you, and one of the ones I suggested was,

[2:03] I'm so sleepy.

[2:06] So Matt is running all the way to the bank with it, and I think he's doing great.

[2:10] Awesome.

[2:10] I don't know why you didn't take that one.

[2:12] You still need a hook.

[2:13] Sorry, guys.

[2:14] A doctor hook, if you will.

Dan McCoy

[2:15] Hey.

[2:16] Well, that may be brought up again during our letters section.

[2:19] Oh!

[2:20] To T.

[2:20] Hey.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds good.

[2:23] One, two, three, foreshadowing.

[2:26] Trying out new catchphrases.

[2:29] That's good.

[2:29] Because ROCK in the USA was getting a little old.

[2:31] Okay.

[2:32] Yeah.

[2:33] That's a keeper.

Dan McCoy

[2:34] So, the film that we watched tonight was titled Gamer.

[2:39] Mm-hmm.

[2:40] You speak the truth.

[2:41] And it starred Gerard Butler.

[2:44] I don't speak French.

Elliott Kalan

[2:45] What's weird is that he's an actor, because it seems pretty clear he was born to be a butler.

[2:49] Or at least to play a butler.

[2:50] I don't know if he's played a butler in a single film yet.

[2:53] Yeah.

[2:54] He'd be good as a butler.

Dan McCoy

[2:55] So, for those unfamiliar with Gerard Butler, imagine a less doughy Russell Crowe without the charisma.

[3:03] Wow.

[3:04] Gerard Butler's going to cry when he hears that you said that.

[3:06] Well, look.

[3:07] It's true, though.

[3:08] I liked him fine in 300.

[3:11] I did not like the movie that much, but I thought, okay, this guy's solidly holding down the center of this film.

[3:16] But he could not be more absent in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] This one, I don't think he was involved in it the way he was involved in 300, where I believe he was also writer, director, executive producer of the film.

[3:26] Right.

[3:27] And makeup artist.

[3:28] Sure.

[3:29] But he wasn't.

[3:29] But, yeah, I liked 300, and in it I felt he provided the right level of, like, brio and gusto.

[3:36] And in this, he just seems very – I mean, sleepy is the right way to put it, from what we were talking about before.

[3:42] Like, he is – he just seems like he's walking through it, sleepwalking through the movie, not really that interested in being there.

[3:49] I'm not – don't blame him because it's not a particularly good movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:52] Well, Ellie, do you think that he was doing that for character reasons?

[3:56] Do you think he was doing that because –

[3:57] Wait a minute.

[3:58] He plays a video game character who is under the control of a third party.

[4:04] Or a second party, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[4:06] Except that when he's released from the control of the third party, and we'll get to that when we do our plot summary, if anything, he is more sleepier and less invested in the film.

[4:16] Did I say more sleepier?

[4:17] Yeah.

[4:17] Well, whatever.

[4:18] Anyway, his performance rivals that of Raymond Burr in Godzilla, King of the Monsters, for energy level.

[4:26] And he's, like, punching people and shooting guns and stuff, but it seems like he's just not interested in it.

Dan McCoy

[4:31] So, this movie.

[4:33] Yeah.

[4:34] Basically, The Running Man.

[4:36] But updated for our second life World of Warcraft modern lifestyle.

Elliott Kalan

[4:41] The Running Man is just about TV, but this is about video games.

[4:45] Allow me to explain if I can get –

[4:47] Sure.

[4:47] I didn't get to do the plot summary in an earlier episode, so.

[4:50] You missed it.

[4:51] Yeah, I know.

[4:52] We're in a dystopian future.

[4:53] As it says in the very beginning in text, it's – what does it say?

[4:57] The far future from this moment or something?

[4:59] Or many years from this exact moment?

[5:01] Yeah, something like that.

[5:02] And it is the dystopian future.

[5:05] Everyone in the world is obsessed with these two video games that are owned entirely by Michael C. Hall,

[5:12] playing the character of Castle.

[5:14] And –

Dan McCoy

[5:15] Not Castle the crime writer from the TV show Castle.

Elliott Kalan

[5:19] And not Frank Castle the Punisher from Marvel Comics' title of the same name.

[5:22] Right.

[5:23] I thought both those things were true, actually.

[5:26] Oh, no.

[5:26] So, that clears up a lot of things for me.

Dan McCoy

[5:28] You were very confused during the course of this movie.

[5:30] Yeah.

S3

[5:31] I thought he was an actual castle.

[5:33] I was like, why does he look like a human?

[5:36] Why is he talking in movies?

[5:38] Yeah.

[5:38] He should be protecting a princess.

[5:40] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[5:41] I don't know.

[5:42] Well, anyway, Castle owns two huge video games, Society and Slayer.

[5:51] And in them, you – what's so amazing about them is that you're not controlling a video game character.

[5:57] Get this.

[5:58] You're controlling a real live person.

[6:01] What?

[6:01] Who has tiny nano cells in their brain which control their actions.

[6:05] And there's a lot of made-up science to explain why they have nano cells that take over their brains so you can control them.

[6:10] Society is kind of a second life type world where everyone stands around in crazy revealing outfits and just kind of dances in a public park and then has sex.

[6:20] Yeah.

[6:20] Or like they hit each other.

Dan McCoy

[6:22] And even though they are real life people in a real life environment, they still move around like they're in a Sims game.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] Like a herky-jerky way.

[6:31] Yeah.

[6:32] And society is basically about seeing women's breasts and –

Dan McCoy

[6:38] And having dance parties.

[6:39] And having dance parties, yeah.

[6:40] People dancing and women exposing their breasts and making out with each other.

[6:45] And also one guy dressed as like a priest running around with a bunch of balloons.

[6:51] Yeah.

[6:51] For some reason.

[6:52] I want to know who's controlling that character.

[6:55] Balloon priest.

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] And this game did not seem appealing.

[6:58] But one thing that won me over at first and which didn't last is that they have balloons popped up next to everybody so you can see what the names of their characters are.

[7:06] And one of them, a guy in a suit riding a Vespa, I think.

[7:09] And it might have been the same guy who had a pig nose on later for no reason.

[7:13] His character name is My Balls Hurt.

[7:16] Yeah.

[7:16] Which strikes me as a name that someone might give to their avatar character in one of those games.

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:20] The other game, Slayer, is kind of a death race slash running man type thing.

[7:27] These are all death row inmates and they're in a fight to the death on some sort of abandoned city landscape.

[7:36] And they're being controlled by players at home.

[7:39] But if the prisoner survives 30 rounds of this game, then he is supposedly free and he can go back into society.

[7:46] And it doesn't make sense because he's not really doing anything.

[7:50] The gamer is controlling him.

[7:52] The whole thing is kind of screwed up.

[7:53] But anyway, Gerard Butler is Cable, the most popular Slayer character.

[7:58] He survived 27 rounds being controlled by this kid whose name I don't remember.

[8:03] Who's not important.

[8:05] Who's not really that important.

[8:06] I hated him.

[8:08] He was very unlikable.

[8:09] He was really annoying.

[8:10] And he's got a wife and a daughter on the outside.

[8:13] The daughter has been placed in a foster home.

[8:15] And the wife is a society character who's controlled by a ludicrously fat man.

[8:21] Although, I mean, it's a real guy.

[8:23] But she, for some reason, is reserved by a shut-in who is enormously overweight.

[8:28] Yeah.

[8:28] And is meant to be disgusting.

[8:30] Like, he is meant to repulse the viewer.

Dan McCoy

[8:32] Yeah.

[8:32] No, he, he, we first get introduced to him.

[8:35] He has some waffles that he's eating.

[8:37] And he has a little bowl of maple syrup that he dips the waffles in and sops it up.

[8:44] And the maple syrup is the consistency of motor oil.

[8:47] And he, you know, you see close-ups of his double chin as he puts this in his mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[8:52] And he's also a pervert who makes the character do terrible things.

Dan McCoy

[8:55] Yeah.

[8:56] I mean, like, these people in society are basically, you know, forced into, you know, prostitution or murder.

[9:03] Or dance party.

[9:04] Or dance party.

[9:05] Or, you know, balloons.

[9:06] The clergy and balloons.

Elliott Kalan

[9:08] Gerard Butler has, he has some sort of information.

[9:11] Castle doesn't want him to escape.

[9:12] They're going to try to rig it so that he dies.

[9:14] But he has some kind of information in his head that people need to know or something.

[9:18] And his gamer gives him the ability, unlocks his control so that Gerard Butler can escape from the game, find his wife and daughter, and reveal this big secret.

[9:29] And if any of that sounded exciting to you, it is not.

[9:33] It is super dull.

[9:35] And the movie ends with, it's one of those things where it's like the ending is broadcast all over the world.

[9:41] It seems to be a world of the future where you're either playing society, playing Slayer, or you spend your life milling around in the streets waiting for the giant TV screens to show you what's happening in society or Slayer.

Dan McCoy

[9:52] And also, for as dystopian as these video games are, everything else in society pretty much just looks like it does today.

Elliott Kalan

[9:59] It's everything the same except there's more neon and people have more piercings and wear more latex.

[10:03] Yeah.

[10:04] Like, it's been, the whole thing is, and this is something I was talking about when we were watching the movie, it's a very, like, 1990s vision of what the dystopian future would look like.

[10:12] Like, a very strange days, Johnny Mnemonic type of, it actually felt like.

[10:16] Virtuality.

[10:17] Virtuality.

[10:17] It felt a lot like Johnny Mnemonic.

[10:19] Like, the scene where they go into the club and Udo Kier is there.

[10:22] And it's like, in the future everyone's decadent and they have piercings and they lick each other.

[10:26] Like, that's what happens in the future.

[10:28] And everything's lit with neon lights and you've got an underground of people who are fighting somebody.

Dan McCoy

[10:32] That sounds great, Elliot.

[10:34] That future that you just described.

[10:35] No, it's terrible.

[10:36] I don't want it to arrive.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] Like, this idea that in the future everything is fetish porn of the most latex-y sort.

[10:44] And that, and the, and it wasn't held by the fact that the soundtrack, twice they play Marilyn Manson's cover of The Sweet Dreams Are Made of These, Eurythmic Song.

[10:53] It's like, it feels like a movie that was made in 1996 and they locked it in a time capsule and they released it now, you know.

[11:00] And somehow Gerard Butler of today was able to star in it.

S3

[11:05] Oh, and also the internet is a big room now.

[11:08] It's not just like on the screen.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] Oh no, you're in a room and the screen is all around you on the walls and you lie on a beanbag chair or something.

[11:16] Wow, that seems a lot less convenient than the current internet.

S3

[11:19] Oh, which is portable?

[11:20] Yes.

[11:21] Yeah, you have to, I gotta go home and go on the internet.

Elliott Kalan

[11:24] Since now you have to be in a big room and you literally have to turn around to see parts of the screen.

[11:29] Yes, it is inconvenient.

[11:31] But it's a movie that's, the first couple minutes had a little bit of promise in them and then it quickly ran out of anything to say or do.

Dan McCoy

[11:39] Well, it's directed by, written and directed by Neville Dean and Taylor.

[11:43] By Woody Allen.

[11:44] Yeah.

[11:45] Strangely enough.

[11:46] By David Mamet.

Elliott Kalan

[11:47] This is the script that Woody Allen, David Mamet, and Ingmar Bergman worked on before Bergman died.

Dan McCoy

[11:52] No, Mark Neville Dean and something Taylor.

[11:57] But they're the guys who did Crank and Crank 2.

[12:01] And they also did a little scene, a thriller called Pathology, about med students who are killing people and then challenging each other to figure out how they killed them.

[12:13] And that's the little morbid game they play.

[12:15] Which was basically dismissed by critics, but I kind of liked it.

[12:19] And I really like the Crank movies.

[12:22] I think they're stupid in a really fun way.

[12:25] And so I'm like, oh, maybe this movie will be stupid in a fun way as well.

[12:29] And at the beginning, you know, it seemed like it was just that same sort of amped up trash.

[12:34] Very hyperactive, yeah.

[12:35] Yeah, like, okay, they're not shying away from a bunch of sex and violence, which is certainly true throughout the film.

[12:40] But it's done in such a just dispiriting way after a while that it's a wall of noise.

Elliott Kalan

[12:47] It starts out very tongue-in-cheek and you expect it to settle down into like, okay, then we'll watch the movie.

[12:52] But then it just keeps up like that and it stops being tongue-in-cheek.

[12:55] And it felt like they had, there are certain movies that have the right balance between, you know, the commentary on society and the future life is cheap.

[13:04] But also, like, this is wrong.

[13:06] But we're still going to provide you with, like, the cheap thrills that you want in this kind of movie.

[13:10] Some movies strike that balance well and this one does not.

S3

[13:13] Well, Matt.

[13:14] I was not interested in anything that this movie had to say.

[13:18] I know, it could have just been like a fun future romp.

[13:21] You know what I mean?

[13:22] I haven't seen the Craig movies.

[13:24] But yeah, it's like trash, right?

[13:25] It's like, I'm going to go see some people die.

[13:28] It's going to be great.

[13:29] There are going to be colors.

[13:31] It's going to be awesome.

Dan McCoy

[13:33] Well, Matt, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but you can see colors just all around you.

S3

[13:36] I can't see colors.

[13:38] We'll talk about that later.

Dan McCoy

[13:39] You can see them when you go to see the movies?

[13:41] Yes.

[13:42] It seems like a very odd form of colorblindness.

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] We'll do that after this.

[13:46] We do a vision psychosomaticism podcast, and we'll talk about that there.

[13:51] That's why I'm here.

Dan McCoy

[13:52] Yeah, I was going to ask you.

[13:55] I mean, you guested once before, but you came in and you saw one third of the movie.

[14:01] Jumper.

[14:01] Yeah, you saw the last third of Jumper.

[14:04] Wow.

[14:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:05] You've seen movies that related to cables.

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:07] Oh, that too.

[14:09] Jumper and get it?

[14:10] And the main character is Nate Cable.

[14:12] Oh.

[14:13] And the award-winning writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

[14:15] Woo!

[14:17] And I just made a joke about Jumper cables.

Dan McCoy

[14:19] No, but I was curious, you know, not being used to watching bad movies at the rapid clip

[14:26] that we do here at the Clubhouse.

S3

[14:28] I try to watch good movies, generally.

Dan McCoy

[14:30] That's an interesting way to approach life.

Elliott Kalan

[14:32] Shouldn't live that way.

[14:33] Actually, I had this similar talk with somebody recently where I feel like they're watching

[14:37] too many bad movies and not enough good ones, and I want to form an intervention for him

[14:42] because he's like, oh, I've been watching so many Luke Gossett Jr. action movies lately.

[14:46] I'm like, no, you should watch things that you will enjoy legitimately.

Dan McCoy

[14:50] Was this person's name, did it rhyme with Bleuert Lellington?

[14:54] No, no, this was a different person.

[14:56] But, no, I was going to ask, like, how does it feel like coming in on such an assaultive

[15:02] movie for your first full Flophouse experience?

S3

[15:06] I feel like a victim.

[15:08] I feel violated.

[15:10] That's the thing.

[15:11] It's just boring.

[15:12] It's just like, you know what I mean?

[15:14] Less is more, dude.

[15:16] Neveldeen.

[15:17] First of all, look.

[15:19] Anytime that there's, like, a director and you only see one name for a guy, like Mick G.

Elliott Kalan

[15:27] It says written by Neveldeen slash Taylor, directed by Neveldeen slash Taylor.

[15:32] Like, they don't use their names.

S3

[15:33] I know, and I'm like, is that one person?

[15:35] Or, like, why just, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[15:38] Is it a law firm?

[15:39] Yeah.

S3

[15:40] Which, if it was, I could forgive this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] Because they don't know what they're doing.

S3

[15:44] Yeah, no, that's not, film is not their specialty.

[15:46] No, no.

[15:47] Personal injury.

[15:48] Yeah, exactly.

[15:49] Torts.

[15:51] But, yeah.

[15:52] Delicious torts.

[15:54] Living torts.

[15:56] If I'm not interested at the beginning, it's just not going to get any better for me.

[16:00] And, I mean, there were things, I'm not going to say this movie was, I liked Michael C. Hall.

[16:05] Like, I, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[16:06] Yeah, well, Michael C. Hall's performance was the one, like, bright spot in the movie.

[16:09] Yeah.

[16:09] I felt like he really, like, gave it, he went so over the top.

[16:13] Yeah.

[16:13] Right.

[16:13] For no reason had a heavy, weird southern accent.

[16:17] And, you know, just is very, he's not, he's unfortunately not in enough of the movie.

[16:21] Like, he's this very, like, enjoyably flamboyant, like, just, just completely evil character with no gloss of even pretending not to be evil.

[16:31] Right, exactly.

[16:31] And, he's just, he's really only in, like, what, three scenes when he cuts down to it?

[16:35] Yeah.

[16:36] Yeah.

[16:36] And, like, a couple of sprinkled, like, moments.

[16:38] Right.

Dan McCoy

[16:39] He knows what movie he's in.

[16:41] And, by the way, Michael C. Hall, an alum of my school, my college.

[16:46] Hey, really?

[16:46] Really?

[16:46] I didn't know that.

[16:47] I think the only famous actor to come out of my college.

[16:51] What other kind of famous people have come out of the college?

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] So, when you said famous actor, you meant one famous person.

Dan McCoy

[16:59] I think, I think, I think cult leader Jim Jones had something to do with my college.

Elliott Kalan

[17:04] Hey, that counts.

Dan McCoy

[17:05] Yeah.

[17:05] I don't know the specifics, but.

[17:07] He founded it.

[17:08] What about Jeffrey Jones?

[17:10] You can look it up.

[17:11] Jeffrey Jones.

[17:12] He went to your college, right?

[17:13] Cult leader Jeffrey Jones.

[17:14] Yeah.

[17:16] Of the Mom and Dad Save the World cult.

[17:18] Yeah.

[17:19] It's dangerous, that cult.

[17:23] Jesus.

[17:24] You said, Elliot, that this movie is one of these movies where the rebellion is more powerful

[17:30] than the government.

[17:31] They managed to hack into the system.

[17:33] They managed to set this guy loose.

[17:35] There's just four of them, too.

[17:36] Yeah, I mean, and by the way, the rebellion, the weirdest conglomeration of people.

[17:43] Ludacris is the leader.

[17:45] And then you've got Alison Lohman in.

[17:48] With dread.

[17:48] Dread.

[17:49] Dreadlocks.

[17:50] And she rides a motorcycle.

[17:50] White girl dreadlocks.

[17:52] Looks weird.

[17:53] And then.

[17:53] It's the future.

[17:54] And then Kira Sedgwick, who is introduced to us as a TV anchor.

Elliott Kalan

[17:59] Well, because she's not part of the underground at first.

Dan McCoy

[18:01] Yeah, but she sort of comes into it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] Yeah, she joins it by the end, and you can tell because she wears a hoodie over her regular

[18:06] clothes instead of the bright yellow Dick Tracy raincoat that she's wearing through the

[18:10] rest of the movie.

[18:11] Yeah.

[18:11] But it's, and there's a, like, a young Asian guy whose name I didn't get.

Dan McCoy

[18:15] Yeah, he got shot pretty quick.

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] Yeah.

[18:18] Well, but there's, like, these four guys who, four people, and I think there was one extra

[18:22] that we saw for a moment playing an arcade game in their headquarters.

Dan McCoy

[18:25] Yeah, they've got a bunch of old arcade games to show that they're old school hackers.

[18:29] They've got Galaga in the background.

Elliott Kalan

[18:31] I wish that they had, like, gone with that more.

[18:34] Like, I wish that it was less that, they gave this speech about, like, if everyone's controlled

[18:38] by these things, then we're all slaves to the system, da-da-da-da.

[18:41] But I really wish that it was more like they were angry that the purity of games had been.

[18:45] Yeah.

[18:46] Had been, and I feel like maybe if Stuart had written this movie, that would have been

[18:49] the main thrust.

[18:50] Like, these new games aren't real games.

[18:53] What happened to the purity and the beauty of the old arcade games?

[18:56] Let me show you.

Dan McCoy

[18:57] Games like Burger Time and the Popeye games.

Elliott Kalan

[19:01] And the E.T. for Atari.

[19:03] They're, like, these games are about working within limits to get to a set goal and overcoming

[19:08] those limits.

[19:09] These new games are all, like, I wish that had been their philosophical bent instead of,

[19:14] in the future, you know, everyone loses control of their lives.

[19:17] Great.

[19:18] Like, that's what happens.

Dan McCoy

[19:19] Well, that seems like a big theme lately.

[19:21] In the dystopian future.

[19:22] You know, this was one of three movies that came out last year, just off the top of my

[19:26] head, that I can think of, about avatars.

[19:30] Well, Avatar.

[19:31] Yeah.

[19:32] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[19:32] There was that one.

[19:33] And Rivada.

[19:35] And there was this one.

[19:36] And there was the movie.

[19:38] And Avanti with Jack Lemmon.

[19:41] And Irma La Deuce.

[19:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:43] So, Avatar, this one.

Dan McCoy

[19:45] And Surrogates.

[19:46] Surrogates.

[19:46] Which we also talked about maybe watching tonight.

[19:48] And I still kind of maybe want to watch the Flop House.

Elliott Kalan

[19:50] We should still, I think we could still do Surrogates for Flop House.

[19:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:53] But, obviously, this is in the zeitgeist.

Elliott Kalan

[19:58] Well, people are jumping on the Second Life World of Warcraft bandwagon.

[20:02] Yeah.

[20:02] And what's done, it's the thing, though, of, and the Simpsons World of Warcraft episode

[20:07] bugged me with this, where it's like, oh, my God, people are spending so much time in

[20:11] this game.

[20:12] They're creating their whole other world.

[20:13] And then they extrapolate that to a video game that is far more lifelike and realistic

[20:19] and all-consuming than any of the games that that's actually happening with are.

[20:24] And it's like, and I know that they're exaggerating it for dramatic effect, but it gets to a

[20:29] point where it's like, how would you run a game like this?

[20:32] Like, how are these people paying for it?

[20:34] Like, if they're spending this much time in it, like, how do they have jobs to get money

[20:38] to pay for their subscription rates, you know?

[20:41] Which is not, I mean...

[20:42] It reminds me, it reminds me when we did, was it Untraceable a long time ago?

[20:45] Right.

[20:46] Where it was like, this guy has a snuff film website, and he's getting 40 million hits,

[20:51] 40 million viewers watching people dying on his site.

[20:53] And it's like, that's crazy.

[20:55] Who, well, one, how is the server holding up to all this traffic?

[20:58] But on top of that, like, really?

[21:00] 40 million people are sitting at their computers right now watching someone being murdered?

[21:04] Like, it's an unrealistic number.

Dan McCoy

[21:06] It's a dark commentary on human nature.

Elliott Kalan

[21:07] Dark commentary on crappy writing.

Dan McCoy

[21:10] And, well, but also, to say nothing of the fact that, as you said, this Second Life, the

[21:17] society game is basically just a bunch of people hanging out in a plaza, dancing.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] So...

[21:23] You've got to really love that.

[21:25] To me, so I guess today.

Dan McCoy

[21:26] I mean, they've put so much work into this video game, but apparently the parameters of

[21:32] it are just like a bunch...

[21:33] It's just a boring party.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] Yeah.

[21:35] You know?

[21:36] I can understand the appeal of a game like Slayer.

[21:39] I mean, it's...

[21:40] I wouldn't...

[21:40] You wouldn't want to really play a game where real people were being murdered.

[21:43] But video games, most of them are about killing things.

[21:46] Sure.

[21:46] You can at least understand the appeal of an action game.

[21:49] But society...

[21:50] I mean, I guess people spend a lot of time on Second Life just wandering around.

Dan McCoy

[21:52] Well, and likewise, like The Sims, which is much even, you know, smaller scale.

[21:57] But still, to have a real-life video game and not have these people just sort of wandering

[22:04] around doing anything you can imagine, you know?

[22:07] Like, I don't know.

[22:08] It just looks like they're in an episode of MTV's The Grind.

[22:11] Yeah.

S3

[22:12] For the whole thing.

[22:12] Yeah.

[22:13] Like, if you bought that video game, you'd be like, this video game sucks.

[22:16] Nothing's happening in this video game.

Elliott Kalan

[22:18] Like...

[22:18] Yeah, well, I mean, unless you just want to watch your character of sex with other characters,

[22:22] which they did a lot of...

[22:24] I guess the implication was that maybe it's just people watching people having sex, but

[22:28] like...

[22:29] But is that like...

[22:29] I don't know that you need a game for that.

[22:31] Also, there's pornography all over...

[22:32] Yeah, there's live video...

[22:34] Inside the movie, there's pornography everywhere that's being broadcast all the time.

[22:38] So...

S3

[22:39] So is this like the first video game that has sex?

[22:43] You know what I mean?

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] Like, in this universe?

[22:45] I guess this is an alternate world where Leisure Suit Larry was never developed.

[22:48] All right.

[22:49] I guess that's what it is.

Dan McCoy

[22:50] Custer's Revenge never happened.

Elliott Kalan

[22:51] They would have been...

[22:52] That would...

[22:52] See, they could have made this movie so much better if there was a prologue where the

[22:57] man who designed the Leisure Suit Larry games is murdered before he's able to make the

[23:03] first game.

[23:04] And that is what diverges this universe from our own.

[23:07] It's an alternate time...

[23:08] It's like Lost.

[23:09] It's an alternate timeline.

[23:10] Spoiler alert.

[23:11] Sorry.

[23:11] Uh-oh.

[23:11] I didn't watch the season premiere yet or any of the preceding seasons.

[23:15] Oh, man.

S3

[23:15] We totally effed it up for you.

[23:18] Yeah.

[23:18] Do you guys curse on this?

Dan McCoy

[23:20] Oh, we fucking curse all the fucking times.

[23:21] Oh, my God!

S3

[23:22] All right.

[23:23] This just opened up a whole world of communication for you.

[23:26] You have an alternate timeline where you curse.

Dan McCoy

[23:30] There's the clean version of a flop house in a separate timeline.

Elliott Kalan

[23:34] In the world where cursing has been outlawed by the government.

Dan McCoy

[23:37] In the world where Stuart fell into a pond as a small child.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] This is a movie...

[23:44] It's a movie also that...

[23:45] The villain at the end, his plan is like super villain-ish, it turns out.

[23:51] That he's going to use these nano-cells to basically take over the minds of everybody in the world.

[23:57] And so the movie jumps from implausibly futuristic to insanely implausibly, you know.

[24:06] Just silly.

Dan McCoy

[24:07] But, I mean, I kind of liked that that leap happened.

[24:12] Ultimately, there's like better stakes in the sense of the idea of like, okay, this person has this nanotechnology that, taken to its logical limit, could mind control anyone they wanted.

[24:23] And that's a little more interesting than just another retread of Death Race.

[24:28] However, once that leap was made, you don't believe that one really burly dude is going to be able to take him down.

[24:37] You know, like, okay, well, he has mind control powers over pretty much anyone.

Elliott Kalan

[24:41] I mean, in the end of the movie, the climax basically comes down to, oh my god, his willpower is greater than I assumed.

[24:48] But it also, the twist, this last thing comes so late in the movie, it's like within the last like eight or nine minutes, I feel like.

[24:55] So it's almost like the movie's like, this guy's got to get back to his wife and child, got to get back to his wife and child.

[25:00] And then the last time it's like, uh, you don't really care if he gets his wife and child, do you?

[25:04] Oh, well, he's going to take over the world!

[25:06] Uh-oh!

[25:07] Cable's our last hope!

Dan McCoy

[25:08] Yeah.

[25:09] I mean, and also, it was one of these situations where, um...

[25:12] I mean, it's half his willpower and half like, oh, we've got to have some reason that that kid was involved in the movie earlier on.

[25:20] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[25:20] And so, uh...

[25:21] He does some hack-ing.

[25:22] He hacks back in with the aid of, uh, Keira Sedgwick and, uh, what's-her-face, drag me to, Allison Lohman, who appear to be helping him hack from, I don't know, an ATM somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] It's just a computer kiosk on a street somewhere.

[25:36] But it's also, it's one of those movies also where hacking consists of pressing a button that says upload.

[25:41] Mm-hmm.

[25:41] And that somehow infects the system.

[25:43] And at the end, it's such an anticlimactic ending that, like, Michael C. Hall's employees are watching him fighting Cable, and Cable kills him.

[25:53] And then Cable turns to the employees as they're filing out of the basketball court where this took place.

[25:57] And he says to them, turn it off.

[26:00] Turn off the nano-cells.

[26:01] And they go, okay.

[26:02] And then they shut them off, and they go, well played.

[26:05] And then they walk out like he's outwitted them by asking them to do it.

[26:10] Didn't see that one coming.

[26:12] Yeah, I didn't expect you to ask us politely.

Dan McCoy

[26:15] Actually, either at that point, you have to, it has to go one of either ways.

[26:19] You know, like, those people have to be, you know, people that Michael C. Hall has had under his control.

[26:25] And that's the reason why they are willing to, you know, go with Gerard Butler after Michael C. Hall's out of the picture.

[26:32] Like, oh, you've set us free.

[26:34] Now we're going to set everyone free.

[26:36] Or they have to be, you know, consumed with the desire to rule the earth themselves.

[26:42] And have to be an actual threat rather than being like, oh, okay.

[26:46] Sure, you told us to turn it off, Mr. Butler.

[26:50] We'll do it.

Elliott Kalan

[26:51] But it's almost like, they don't even seem scared.

[26:53] They just seem like, it's like, these are his henchmen of the villain.

[26:56] He sends them out to kill people.

[26:57] They know he's going to take over the world.

[26:59] And then when he's killed, they're like, eh, I guess that happens.

[27:03] Can you turn this stuff off?

[27:04] Yeah, I guess so.

[27:05] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[27:06] I guess you won the game.

[27:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:08] It's like, I guess I'll go peck up my stuff now.

[27:12] Like, they seem to have, even, like, the henchmen of the villain seem to have no stake in what happens to the villain.

S3

[27:16] What are they going to go do now?

Elliott Kalan

[27:18] Yeah, at the very least, they're unemployed now.

[27:21] I doubt Slayer's going to keep running.

Dan McCoy

[27:23] Or society.

[27:24] Cable, can you give us a job?

[27:26] We helped you out with the turning off the nanomites.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] It feels a little, and also like, the underpinning of civilization now is these two video games, and they're both over.

[27:34] And it's like, at the end of Escape from L.A., where Snake Plissken shuts off all electronic equipment in the entire world.

[27:42] It's as if that happened, but nobody minded that much.

[27:45] You know, like, all of society is back to basics.

Dan McCoy

[27:49] All right, okay, I guess we'll just make do without, you know.

[27:52] Go get a beer.

Elliott Kalan

[27:54] I'm hungry, man.

[27:56] Let's get a bite, huh?

Dan McCoy

[27:58] The one thing I actually liked at the ending, and I said it at the time, was it comes down to this thing where they're fighting over a knife,

[28:04] and Michael C. Hall has his, like, nanomites in Gerard Butler's head.

Elliott Kalan

[28:09] Oh, and Michael C. Hall has special ones in his head which allow him to use his mind to control other people's minds.

Dan McCoy

[28:14] Yeah, so basically anyone who's infected with this technology, he theoretically has control over it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] And he makes them do a dance number at one point to a cover of A Got You Under My Skin.

[28:24] I got you under my skin.

[28:24] Yeah.

[28:25] I say cover, but it's not like any, I don't know that anyone's-

[28:27] Michael C. Hall was covering it.

[28:28] I guess Frank Sinatra's is the definitive version, I would think, but maybe not.

Dan McCoy

[28:32] But, um, so-

[28:33] From his Songs for Swinging Lovers album.

[28:35] Yeah.

[28:35] Michael C. Hall is-

[28:36] Arranged by Nelson Riddle.

[28:37] Trying to get-

[28:38] That's all I know about it.

[28:40] That's it.

[28:40] Gerard Butler to stab himself.

[28:43] And Gerard Butler is resisting a little, you know, a little bit because he has someone hacking in,

[28:48] and he also has the willpower.

[28:50] But ultimately, what makes him able to stab Michael C. Hall is he says to Michael C. Hall,

[28:55] don't think about me stabbing you with this knife.

[28:57] I thought he said think about me stabbing you.

[28:59] Or, yeah, think about me with this knife.

[29:02] And, uh, I thought that was kind of clever as far as it goes.

[29:05] Like, once he's implanted that ideal in Michael C. Hall's head, he can't not think of it.

[29:10] And so it gives him the edge to-

[29:12] It makes it happen.

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:14] I wish-

[29:15] It's kind of a clever twist way to destroy that villain, but I wish they had-

[29:19] They just did it in such an anticlimactic way.

[29:22] It was like, think about me putting the knife in your chest.

[29:25] Make it happen.

Dan McCoy

[29:27] Oh, it's in my chest!

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] I'm dead now!

[29:29] Yay!

[29:30] And then everyone watching, cheers!

[29:33] Like-

Dan McCoy

[29:33] Yeah, everyone on the streets.

[29:35] Everyone watching on the Jumbotron.

Elliott Kalan

[29:36] Because they hate the guy who runs the game they love.

[29:40] It really-

[29:40] It's one of those-

[29:41] It reminded me of V for Vendetta in a way,

[29:42] where a lot of V for Vendetta is people in England watching TV

[29:46] and living under an oppressive government,

[29:49] but anytime someone on TV says the government is bad,

[29:52] they're like,

[29:53] Yeah, yeah, he's right!

[29:55] All right!

[29:56] Why the fuck do you live under this government?

[29:58] Like, what's-

[29:58] It doesn't make sense that you have an oppressive government

[30:00] where there's five policemen,

[30:02] and everyone in the country hates them,

[30:04] and yet they are completely unstoppable.

[30:07] Anyway, that's my problem with V for Vendetta.

[30:11] That's another podcast.

[30:12] That's a podcast for a different story.

[30:14] Wait, I said it backwards.

[30:16] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[30:17] And now you know the rest of the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[30:21] Now, I'd like to pitch my ending to Gamer,

[30:23] which I told to Dan and Matt earlier.

[30:26] Maybe you guys tell me,

[30:27] but I didn't get-

[30:28] I'll pitch it again.

[30:29] Maybe you'll buy it this time.

[30:30] Maybe.

[30:31] He's defeated Michael C. Hall.

[30:33] He's hungry.

[30:34] He and his family go out for a nice steak dinner.

[30:37] Or maybe he gets lamb.

[30:39] You know?

[30:39] Yeah, okay.

[30:39] Some kind of meat.

[30:41] And the waiter delivers the food.

[30:43] They start eating.

[30:45] The waiter comes back and says,

[30:46] Sir, how was your meal?

[30:49] And Gerard Butler turns to him and says,

[30:52] It's a little-

[30:53] And then he turns to the camera and winks,

[30:56] Gamey.

[30:56] And then the title, Gamey,

[30:58] comes up right afterwards.

[31:00] And then da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[31:02] Directed by whoever did it.

[31:03] And then written by these guys.

Dan McCoy

[31:05] And the audience is sitting in the theater thinking,

[31:07] Was the movie named Gaybird?

[31:09] Oh, I don't care.

Elliott Kalan

[31:11] I wish the movie had the guts to change its title

[31:14] by the end of the film.

[31:16] And then you open up for a sequel

[31:18] where he starts a restaurant.

[31:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:22] It's like the old Mystery Science Theater 3000 thing

[31:24] where Santa Claus cocks the margins.

[31:26] Wait a minute.

[31:27] They're spelling Santa Claus,

[31:30] but they're saying Sandy Claus.

Elliott Kalan

[31:32] Or that the brain that wouldn't die at the end

[31:35] when the title comes up,

[31:36] it's the head that wouldn't die.

[31:39] Wow, is that really?

[31:41] Wow.

[31:41] Yeah.

[31:41] The title was wrong.

Dan McCoy

[31:43] That is a much worse title than the brain that wouldn't die.

[31:47] Yeah.

[31:47] But it's more accurate.

Elliott Kalan

[31:49] It's a full head.

[31:50] Sure.

[31:51] And it won't die.

[31:51] Okay.

[31:52] It just refuses to.

Dan McCoy

[31:54] Right.

[31:55] Fine.

[31:55] That's a good point.

[31:56] Nope, not gonna do it.

[31:58] Not gonna die.

[31:59] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[31:59] But, yeah, Gamer.

[32:00] It felt like it was a going through the motions movie.

[32:03] And maybe that was the larger feel of

[32:05] these characters are being controlled by outside forces.

[32:07] But it was a movie where I felt like half the time

[32:10] we could guess what the next line of dialogue was gonna be

[32:13] in any given scene.

[32:14] Mm-hmm.

[32:15] And a guy, you know,

[32:16] there's this other killer who is in the game with Gerard Butler

[32:19] who no one's controlling him.

[32:21] He's just a crazy psycho, I guess.

[32:23] And he says, he goes,

[32:25] there's no one controlling me.

[32:27] I got no strings.

[32:28] And then he starts singing the song from Pinocchio about

[32:31] he's got no strings.

[32:32] And it's like,

[32:33] seriously?

[32:33] You gotta go there?

[32:34] Like,

[32:35] that was my idea of a joke,

[32:37] that you would then start singing that song.

[32:39] Yeah.

[32:40] Or like, you know,

[32:41] that there's a fight set to,

[32:43] there's a fight scene out of a dance number that's set to

[32:46] I've Got You Under My Skin.

[32:47] And it's like,

[32:48] get it?

[32:49] It's a violent scene,

[32:50] but it's not violent music.

[32:52] Like,

[32:52] that's the thing that we do.

[32:56] Yeah.

[32:56] In movies.

Dan McCoy

[32:57] Yeah.

[32:58] Juxtapose.

S3

[32:59] Yeah.

[32:59] I remember thinking of,

[33:01] like,

[33:01] when I was 12,

[33:02] you know,

[33:03] I'd be like,

[33:03] oh,

[33:04] when I write a movie,

[33:05] it's gonna have a violent scene

[33:07] with some,

[33:08] like,

[33:09] somewhere over the rainbow.

[33:11] And it's gonna be so clever

[33:12] because it doesn't go together.

Elliott Kalan

[33:16] And then that happened in Face Off.

S3

[33:17] Yeah.

[33:18] Yeah.

[33:18] Oh,

[33:19] maybe I'd just seen Face Off.

[33:21] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[33:21] it goes back to,

[33:22] Maybe the writers at Face Off had just seen you.

[33:24] Oh my God.

[33:25] And read your mind.

[33:26] Holy crap.

[33:27] But I think,

Elliott Kalan

[33:27] I think that idea really has only worked once,

[33:30] which is,

[33:30] maybe twice.

[33:31] It's in Clockwork Orange when he's singing,

[33:34] Singing in the Rain.

[33:35] Mm-hmm.

[33:35] And that was really,

[33:36] yeah,

[33:36] and maybe in Reservoir Dogs when he cuts his ear off

[33:39] and they're playing the Stuck in the Middle with You song.

Dan McCoy

[33:42] I think that's our signal.

[33:44] Yay.

[33:45] To give,

[33:46] to give final judgments on the song.

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] Final judgments.

[33:48] Do-do-do-do-do-do.

[33:49] All right.

[33:49] I had to do both parts because Stuart's not here.

[33:51] So,

[33:52] usually he does the do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[33:55] To sum up,

[33:56] I'll get,

[33:56] I'll get the symbols this time.

Dan McCoy

[33:58] To sum up the,

[33:59] categories for this podcast are,

[34:00] I'll get to go to Elliot first.

[34:13] I'm,

Elliott Kalan

[34:14] oh,

[34:15] okay.

[34:15] For his judgment on this film.

[34:17] I'm going to say I,

[34:18] I'm going to say I,

Elliott Kalan

[34:18] this was a bad,

[34:19] bad movie.

[34:20] It had the potential to be a good,

[34:22] bad movie or even like a movie I actually liked,

[34:26] even if it wasn't like,

[34:27] even if it was likable trash,

[34:29] like you're saying with the crank movies.

[34:30] But in the end,

[34:31] it just didn't have,

[34:32] it didn't have it.

[34:34] Yeah.

[34:34] Didn't have the,

[34:35] the potential,

[34:35] it didn't have the thing,

Dan McCoy

[34:36] you know.

[34:37] What,

[34:38] what people in the industry call the thing factor.

[34:45] Matt,

[34:46] what do you think?

S3

[34:47] I'm going to say this is a bad,

[34:49] bad movie.

[34:50] And if there's something worse than that,

[34:52] can I have that?

[34:53] Can I say that?

[34:54] Oh,

[34:54] Matt.

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] Oh,

[34:55] young Padawan learner.

[34:56] Yeah.

[34:56] There's so many worse movies that we have.

[34:58] Oh,

[34:58] we've barely scratched the surface here.

[35:00] No,

S3

[35:01] I agree that,

[35:02] no,

[35:02] I'm not saying this was the worst movie ever.

[35:04] You just did.

Elliott Kalan

[35:05] I heard it.

[35:06] Rewind the podcast.

S3

[35:07] No,

[35:07] no,

[35:08] no.

[35:08] But I mean,

[35:09] is there ever like a,

[35:10] can I say this is a bad,

[35:11] bad,

[35:12] bad movie?

[35:13] There's not.

[35:13] You can.

[35:14] Breaking all the rules.

[35:15] Look,

[35:15] I'm going to,

[35:16] I'm going to go off the edge.

Dan McCoy

[35:17] On the spectrum of the movies we watched,

[35:19] this is actually near,

[35:20] near the top.

[35:21] I mean,

[35:21] I'd still rather watch this than 10,000 BC.

Elliott Kalan

[35:23] Oh God.

[35:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:25] Yeah.

[35:25] I got to say that this movie,

[35:26] it cranked,

[35:28] it cranked,

[35:29] it cranked my expectations up at the beginning.

[35:33] I'm glad you said it three times.

Elliott Kalan

[35:35] I wouldn't have gotten it for once.

Dan McCoy

[35:37] I still don't get it.

[35:39] But then,

[35:39] but then those expectations,

[35:41] um,

[35:42] didn't stay.

[35:45] Um,

[35:46] that doesn't make sense on the first level.

[35:51] All right.

[35:51] No,

[35:51] but,

[35:51] uh,

[35:52] speaking of Statham,

[35:53] like,

[35:53] I feel like,

[35:54] as we were,

[35:56] I was,

[35:56] maybe if Jason Statham was the star of this movie,

[35:59] like that would be enough to put it over the top into something that I would have enjoyed.

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] Maybe.

[36:03] Although,

[36:03] I mean,

[36:03] like,

[36:03] I,

[36:03] I don't know if you,

[36:04] did you see death race three make of that?

Dan McCoy

[36:06] I liked death race more than you did.

[36:08] I didn't really care for,

Elliott Kalan

[36:09] but I think if he,

[36:10] I don't think he was so good in that,

[36:11] but I think if you had someone like that in this,

[36:14] who,

[36:15] in,

[36:15] in a way,

[36:16] like,

[36:16] both put,

[36:17] took it more seriously and took it less seriously,

[36:19] Yeah.

[36:20] then it would,

[36:21] it would,

[36:21] it would have been much better.

Dan McCoy

[36:23] Yeah,

[36:23] the movie around Gerard Butler seems to have a sense of humor,

[36:28] and Gerard Butler doesn't seem to have any sense of humor.

[36:30] Yeah.

[36:30] In the role,

[36:31] and I don't know that that's necessarily his fault.

[36:34] He may have been asked to sort of anchor the movie,

[36:37] but,

[36:37] Oh yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[36:37] because I mean he's a comic genius in his other films.

[36:40] He's,

[36:40] he is America's favorite clown.

S3

[36:42] He's like the Jim Carrey of Hollywood.

[36:45] Yeah.

[36:46] As opposed to Jim Carrey,

[36:47] I guess the Jim Carrey of the legitimate stage.

[36:49] Yeah,

[36:50] exactly.

[36:51] Of Broadway.

Dan McCoy

[36:52] Yeah,

[36:53] no,

[36:53] I thought it was going to be a movie that I actually enjoyed,

[36:56] and it quickly plummeted.

[36:58] It disabused you of that notion.

[36:59] To bad film territory.

S3

[37:02] I,

[37:02] I don't,

[37:04] I think that Gerard Butler,

[37:06] like,

[37:06] as far as I'm concerned,

[37:07] he could,

[37:07] they could have just taken an extra,

[37:09] or like,

[37:09] you know,

[37:10] like a production hand,

[37:11] and just like put him in the center of the movie,

[37:14] because that's how bad he was,

[37:16] I think.

[37:16] Wow.

[37:17] Like,

[37:17] he was just nothing,

[37:18] it wasn't even that he was bad,

[37:19] it was just literally nothing.

[37:21] He was like a vortex of,

[37:22] of energy.

Elliott Kalan

[37:23] Yeah,

[37:24] he,

[37:24] he did suck a lot of energy out of the movie.

[37:26] Gerard Butler is going to come and beat the shit out of you.

[37:28] Have you seen how ripped that guy is?

[37:29] That guy's huge.

S3

[37:30] He also seems really tired.

[37:32] Yeah,

[37:33] that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] So maybe I'm,

[37:34] as soon as he starts punching you,

[37:36] he might be really worn out and just fall asleep.

[37:38] Yeah,

[37:38] exactly.

[37:39] And I think that's what,

S3

[37:40] he's going to take a little snooze.

[37:41] Yeah.

[37:41] Wake up,

[37:42] you're beating me up,

[37:43] Charles.

Elliott Kalan

[37:45] Really?

[37:45] You want to wake him up and bring it,

[37:46] remind him?

[37:47] Yeah,

[37:48] well,

[37:48] you know.

[37:49] Well,

Dan McCoy

[37:49] Matt doesn't want to feel neglected.

[37:51] Yeah,

[37:51] come on.

[37:51] I understand that.

[37:52] Sort of an insult.

S3

[37:52] Came all the way here,

[37:54] finish what you start,

[37:55] Gerard Butler.

Dan McCoy

[37:57] So,

[37:57] before we go on to our recommendations,

[38:01] I have a firestorm of letters.

[38:04] Firestorm!

[38:05] So many that I'm going to save.

Elliott Kalan

[38:06] Firestorm?

[38:07] No,

[38:07] what is now.

Dan McCoy

[38:08] Oh,

[38:08] nice.

[38:09] I'm going to save some letters for the next show.

[38:12] Steward storm.

[38:14] But,

[38:14] I have a nice message here from,

[38:17] Gwardo from the Hot Cakes podcast,

[38:20] which you so kindly mentioned in the Hannah Montana episode of the Flophouse.

[38:24] While listening to the listener letter portion of the,

[38:27] latest episode,

[38:27] I was feeling sheepish remembering my failure to recall your name during my recording.

[38:31] Don't be.

[38:32] I often forget Dan's name.

[38:33] After you were finished reading the lovely young lady's letter,

[38:37] I was shocked and surprised that this semi-private shame was directly referenced.

[38:41] I pledged to you on my copy of The Room that I will never forget the name of Donut Dan,

[38:46] the Militiaman McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:48] He got,

[38:49] I think that's your new hook.

Dan McCoy

[38:51] There you go.

[38:53] That was very nice of him.

[38:54] Yeah,

[38:54] I foreshadowed that we would be discussing the issue of my lack of memorableness,

[38:59] and we have,

[39:00] no,

[39:01] I,

Elliott Kalan

[39:02] No,

[39:02] but that's what your new hook.

[39:03] You're a donut guy,

[39:05] and you hate the federal government,

[39:07] one sort of militia.

[39:08] We talked about this in the previous episode.

[39:09] I don't like the second one.

Dan McCoy

[39:10] I feel like that's going to get put on tape,

[39:13] and it's not true,

[39:14] and then there's going to be ATF people outside of the apartment,

[39:18] there's going to be FBI,

[39:20] I'm going to be shot down in some sort of failed raid.

[39:22] And then no one will ever forget you.

Elliott Kalan

[39:24] I don't want to be not forgotten that badly.

[39:26] You'll finally be famous,

[39:27] but was it worth it?

[39:28] Yeah.

[39:29] That's the question I'll ask in my eulogy.

[39:31] In the words of,

[39:32] In the words of,

Dan McCoy

[39:32] You got what you want,

[39:33] but was it worth it?

[39:34] In the words of Woody Allen,

[39:36] I don't want to achieve immortality through my work,

[39:38] I want to achieve it through not dying.

[39:40] That was good.

[39:41] So,

[39:41] That was a good quote.

[39:42] Anyway.

[39:43] Well placed.

[39:44] Yeah.

[39:46] I got one here.

[39:47] It was well placed.

[39:49] But that was very nice of him to mention.

[39:50] No,

[39:50] I want to assure him that I was more touched that he had kind words to say about the podcast

[39:56] than I was angered that he forgot my name.

[40:00] I agree on your behalf.

Elliott Kalan

[40:01] The shards of broken vases in the apartment say otherwise.

[40:05] Yeah,

S3

[40:05] really.

[40:06] They tell their own tale.

[40:08] Dan,

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] Vos Smasher McCoy.

[40:09] Yeah,

[40:09] and he's cutting,

[40:10] that's his other hook.

S3

[40:10] You're cutting yourself with it right now.

[40:12] That's kind of weird.

[40:13] That's to feel.

[40:14] Oh.

[40:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:15] Oops.

[40:15] This one's called Powder Blue.

[40:18] It's from Selena Last Name Withheld.

[40:21] Hmm.

[40:22] And it says,

[40:23] on the latest podcast,

[40:25] you mentioned Powder Blue,

[40:26] but said that as a straight-to-DVD release,

[40:29] it doesn't really fall under your purview.

[40:31] And Elliot mentioned something about its turgidity.

[40:36] Sounds like a word I might use.

[40:38] I'm begging you,

[40:39] please flopitize Powder Blue.

[40:41] I've had the most fortune to sit through this travesty of a film,

[40:44] and I have to tell you,

[40:45] it is turgid,

[40:46] but there's so much to work with.

[40:48] Naked Jessica Biel,

[40:49] a character named QWERTY,

[40:51] Ray Liotta's ridiculous death,

[40:53] bright blue snow falling on Los Angeles.

[40:56] Plus,

[40:56] it's Patrick Swayze's last movie.

[40:58] Oh.

[40:59] I'm not just writing you this letter,

[41:02] so that maybe you'll say my name on the flop house,

[41:03] although that would be a sweet bonus.

[41:05] I'm writing you this letter,

[41:06] because I think the world needs your thoughtful and hilarious commentary on Powder Blue.

[41:11] Also,

[41:12] I'm not actually some nut,

[41:13] in case the tone of this letter suggests I am,

[41:15] just so you know.

[41:16] I hadn't,

[41:17] you know,

[41:18] I hadn't thought of it,

[41:19] but you know what makes you...

[41:20] Nothing says,

[41:20] I'm a nut,

[41:21] yeah.

[41:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:22] Well,

[41:23] maybe we'll do Powder Blue sometime,

[41:24] And I didn't realize Ray Liotta was in it.

Dan McCoy

[41:26] Yeah.

[41:27] We've had,

[41:27] you've had two requests for it now.

[41:29] I think,

[41:30] I think we should,

[41:31] at least put it under consideration.

Elliott Kalan

[41:32] We'll put it on the,

[41:33] well,

[41:33] we won't table this one.

Dan McCoy

[41:34] Guys,

[41:35] I say we're doing it.

[41:37] Okay.

[41:38] All right?

[41:40] Wow.

[41:41] I'm taking over this joint.

[41:44] Matt is large and in charge.

[41:46] Yep.

[41:47] So,

[41:47] Those words rhyme for a reason.

[41:49] Mm-hmm.

[41:50] I have an email that I'll quickly run through,

[41:52] because it is the most inside email that you could get,

[41:56] possibly,

[41:57] which is,

Elliott Kalan

[41:58] It's from my own liver.

[42:01] Does it get more inside than that?

Dan McCoy

[42:03] It says,

[42:04] Dear Pancreas,

[42:05] I'm totally lost.

[42:07] Stay on your side.

[42:10] I drew a line down the middle of Dan's Insights for a reason.

[42:15] No,

[42:15] this is from,

[42:16] I will say his full name,

[42:18] but I will probably mispronounce the last name.

[42:20] It's from John Siracusa,

[42:23] Siracusa,

[42:24] and I'll say that name because he is a,

[42:26] he's a tech writer of some note on the internet,

[42:29] and he was kind enough to tweet about our podcast.

[42:33] Oh,

[42:33] that's very cool.

[42:34] Yay.

[42:34] But,

[42:35] he's also familiar with my brother,

[42:38] and he writes to say,

[42:39] In the Biblicals.

[42:40] It's not even the phrase.

[42:44] Oh,

[42:44] no.

[42:45] He writes to ask,

[42:47] Dear Dan,

[42:48] In what way are you not identical to your brother,

[42:50] John?

[42:51] I've known John for many years,

[42:52] and I've just started listening to the Flophouse.

[42:55] From the very first episode,

[42:56] I was struck by how alike you two are in all possible ways.

[43:00] Every thought,

[43:01] every phrase,

[43:01] every mannerism is identical.

[43:03] Your literary and pop culture references are the same.

[43:06] Your voices even sound alike,

[43:08] right down to the accent.

[43:11] Chemicals,

[43:11] tents,

[43:12] et cetera.

[43:14] He has a heavy French accent.

[43:16] Wait.

[43:16] I was not aware that I said chemicals and tents in an odd way,

[43:19] but apparently I do.

[43:21] You do a little bit,

[43:21] yeah.

[43:22] Were John to secretly replace you on the show,

[43:24] I probably would not notice.

[43:25] It's unnerving.

[43:27] We would,

[43:27] though.

[43:28] No,

[43:28] we wouldn't.

[43:28] You may take this question as an opportunity to distance yourself from John,

[43:32] disparaging him in a form where he has no ability to reply,

[43:36] which,

[43:36] to be honest,

[43:36] is probably where I'm going to go after this email is done.

[43:39] He's standing right behind you.

[43:41] Or,

[43:41] or you could consider this letter a compliment and answer my question by affirming the similarities

[43:46] between yourself and your brother.

[43:48] I heard that you're looking for a hook for your character on the show.

[43:51] This could be it.

[43:52] You could go evil twin,

[43:53] good twin,

[43:54] partially formed twin brother inside the brain,

[43:56] like the dark half,

[43:58] fraternal psychic connection,

[43:59] childhood shared,

[44:00] brutal martial arts training,

[44:01] et cetera.

[44:03] So,

[44:04] uh,

[44:04] that's,

[44:04] uh,

[44:05] that's from John.

[44:06] And,

[44:06] um,

Elliott Kalan

[44:07] I like this new hook.

[44:08] Yeah.

[44:09] It might be better than your hating of the hatred of the government and wish to overthrow it.

[44:12] Oh,

[44:13] God.

Dan McCoy

[44:14] Yeah.

[44:14] Ways in which I'm different.

[44:15] My brother,

[44:16] again,

[44:16] this is so inside that I'll just run through it.

[44:18] Uh,

[44:19] I'm taller,

[44:20] uh,

[44:20] take that,

[44:21] thinner and younger.

[44:23] Take that short,

[44:24] fat old brother of Dan.

[44:25] So,

[44:26] I'm clearly the,

[44:27] improved second generation version.

[44:30] Um,

[44:31] McCoy 2.0.

[44:32] Yeah.

[44:33] No,

[44:33] he's,

[44:33] uh,

[44:33] my brother,

[44:34] John is 10 years older than me and took a very strong interest in my raising.

[44:39] And thus I have a lot of similarities with him to the degree that he often chats me on things,

[44:45] assuming that I know exactly what he's talking about and have the exact same interests as him.

[44:51] And,

[44:52] uh,

[44:52] I don't know what he's saying sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[44:55] Do you and him ever switch places so that your wives don't know?

[44:57] But you're using each other's wives?

Dan McCoy

[44:59] Uh,

[45:00] again,

[45:01] I'm taller,

[45:02] thinner,

[45:02] and younger than my brother.

[45:04] Is that a yes or a no?

Elliott Kalan

[45:05] Yeah.

[45:05] You also have the opportunity since the two of you are gynecologists together.

[45:08] Yeah.

[45:09] I mean,

[45:09] he's been going a little crazy,

[45:11] but.

Dan McCoy

[45:11] Yeah.

[45:12] I will say that my brother is a,

[45:14] uh,

[45:14] math genius,

[45:15] which I am not,

[45:16] although he did not do anything with that math genius.

[45:18] Wasted potential.

[45:20] Yep.

[45:20] That's,

[45:20] that's something that I do have in common with my brother.

S3

[45:23] How do you know you're,

[45:24] you're not a math genius?

[45:26] 10 plus 11.

Dan McCoy

[45:27] 14?

[45:28] He did it.

[45:29] Times two.

[45:30] Uh,

[45:30] 14.

[45:31] Ooh,

[45:31] well,

[45:32] there you go.

[45:32] Wait,

[45:33] I thought you said seven times two.

[45:34] No.

[45:35] Wow.

[45:36] Anyway,

[45:37] let's keep it on.

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] Can your brother come and co-host this with us?

[45:40] What does he do if he's not a,

[45:41] if he's not a mathematician?

Dan McCoy

[45:43] Uh,

[45:43] he works at,

[45:44] uh,

[45:45] uh,

[45:46] Boston College,

[45:47] and he has a freelance design and illustration thing on the side.

[45:52] He did the 9am meeting website,

[45:54] which is something that.

[45:55] You mean 9ammeeting.com?

[45:57] Yeah.

[45:57] Something that Matt Coff and I.

Elliott Kalan

[45:59] You mean N-I-N-E-A-M meeting.com?

[46:02] No,

[46:02] that's it.

[46:02] I mean the numeral nine.

Dan McCoy

[46:04] Okay.

[46:05] The letters AM.

[46:06] This is the kind of thing you need to make sense.

[46:07] Yeah,

[46:08] really.

[46:09] Dot com.

Elliott Kalan

[46:10] Um.

[46:11] Is this some kind of porn site?

S3

[46:12] Yes,

[46:13] it is.

[46:14] Yes,

[46:15] everyone will rush there.

Elliott Kalan

[46:16] Early morning office based porn.

[46:18] You gotta see this porn.

S3

[46:20] It'll get you up in the porning.

Elliott Kalan

[46:23] Oh,

[46:24] wow.

[46:24] Come on.

[46:25] Anyone?

Dan McCoy

[46:27] Okay,

[46:27] well,

[46:27] so this is,

[46:28] uh,

Elliott Kalan

[46:29] I liked it.

Dan McCoy

[46:32] Thank you.

[46:32] Lastly,

[46:33] this,

[46:33] uh,

[46:34] this,

[46:34] this email is titled Dance Hook,

[46:36] and it's from Marina.

[46:38] And she says,

[46:40] I think Dan's hook should be that he drinks Tuscan whole milk.

[46:45] You can reference it now and again,

[46:48] especially as we occasionally hear the glass clinking in the background.

[46:51] Hmm,

[46:52] what good Tuscan whole milk?

[46:54] Or perhaps you need your own beverage instead of relying on old cultural references,

[46:58] like another drink,

[46:59] perhaps.

[47:00] Ah,

[47:00] how I like to drink a trusty Tom Collins.

[47:04] Sort of like Bond's trademark,

[47:05] shaken,

[47:06] not stirred.

[47:07] The drink that's already taken is the pina colada,

[47:09] the pina colada song,

[47:11] but maybe something like a Manhattan that identifies you as a New Yorker.

[47:14] I'll give you my final judgment,

[47:16] just as soon as I pour myself another Manhattan.

[47:19] You can see how it would go.

[47:21] So,

[47:22] that's from Marina.

Elliott Kalan

[47:23] It's an interesting hook.

[47:25] It's pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[47:26] I do enjoy a cocktail.

[47:28] So,

[47:29] um,

[47:29] let's see,

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] what are the choices so far?

[47:30] And I think the viewers at home should vote on this,

[47:32] and you have to follow their dictates.

[47:33] No,

Dan McCoy

[47:33] I think that we can,

[47:34] I think we can milk a few more choices for a hook.

[47:36] Okay,

[47:37] well,

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] so,

[47:38] okay,

[47:38] well,

[47:38] anyone who has any other ideas for Dan's hook,

[47:40] please write them in.

[47:41] So,

[47:42] so far the suggestions have been very specific beverage preferences.

[47:45] Yeah,

[47:46] I like that one.

[47:47] Um,

[47:47] Evil Twin.

[47:48] Yeah.

[47:49] I mean,

[47:49] the good ones that we already had of,

[47:51] so sleepy,

[47:53] loves donuts,

[47:54] hates the government,

[47:54] wants to overthrow it,

[47:55] establish his own secession village,

[47:58] where he practices free love with his multiple child wives.

[48:00] It keeps getting longer.

[48:03] Oh,

[48:03] and also it ends in a,

[48:04] in a bloodbath.

[48:05] But,

[48:05] uh,

[48:06] and what,

[48:06] did we have,

[48:07] what were the other hooks?

Dan McCoy

[48:08] Were there any?

[48:10] I mean,

[48:10] it's your hook,

[48:11] man.

[48:12] Yeah.

[48:12] No,

[48:12] I think that's,

[48:12] I think that's pretty much it so far.

[48:14] So,

[48:14] so which one jumps out at you?

[48:15] So keep them coming.

[48:16] I think he might need more,

[48:17] more options.

[48:18] Well,

[48:18] right now I like the drinks,

[48:19] but,

[48:20] um,

[48:20] what about guy with glasses?

Elliott Kalan

[48:22] I don't think that would really translate to the listeners.

[48:25] Especially since at the moment,

[48:26] all three of us are wearing glasses.

[48:28] No one's Stuart's back.

[48:30] Then the glasses quotient will drop to only two thirds of the gross.

[48:34] All right.

[48:34] Well,

[48:35] we're contacts and there we go.

Dan McCoy

[48:37] All right.

[48:37] So that done,

[48:39] we should rapidly,

[48:40] uh,

[48:40] run through our recommendations of movies that we've seen recently and actually did enjoy.

[48:45] Um,

[48:46] I'll go quickly first.

[48:48] Uh,

[48:48] I saw,

[48:49] speaking of Alison Lohman,

[48:51] I saw Night of the Demon,

[48:53] AKA Curse of the Demon,

[48:55] depending on whether you're in America or Great Britain.

[48:57] That's not an Alison Lohman movie.

[48:59] No,

[49:00] but,

[49:00] uh,

[49:00] It's from 1957.

[49:01] Drag Me to Hell was loosely based on that film.

[49:05] In that there's a curse that is transmitted by the,

[49:10] uh,

[49:10] giving of some sort of token item to the person.

[49:13] And they have to get rid of the,

[49:16] uh,

[49:16] item or pass it on to pass the curse along.

[49:19] And there's also a seance scene.

[49:21] It's not a very close,

[49:22] uh,

[49:23] retelling,

[49:23] but it is a,

[49:24] uh,

[49:25] inspiration for Drag Me to Hell.

[49:27] It's,

[49:27] uh,

[49:28] directed by Jacques Turner,

[49:29] who,

[49:30] uh,

[49:30] did,

[49:31] um,

[49:31] you know,

[49:32] I Walk with a Zombie and Cat People.

[49:34] Uh,

[49:35] my main problem with it is I thought that Dana Andrews as the protagonist was pretty dull.

[49:40] It's a movie where the main character has to spend 90% of the time,

[49:45] uh,

[49:47] in the film denying that anything supernatural is going on when the audience knows that something supernatural is going on.

[49:53] And so that can quickly become boring and irritating for the audience watching the film.

[50:00] And you need a really charismatic person to carry that off.

[50:03] And Dana Andrews is your typical square jawed,

[50:07] kind of dull,

[50:08] uh,

[50:09] fifties and sixties protagonist.

[50:11] So,

[50:12] yeah,

[50:12] that's not very good.

[50:14] They need a Gerard Butler.

[50:15] Mm-hmm.

[50:16] That would have done it.

[50:17] They need someone with that sweet Gerard Butler,

[50:19] that effect.

[50:22] God,

[50:23] I hate Gerard Butler.

[50:24] Wow.

S3

[50:25] Was he really good in 300?

[50:28] He was fine.

[50:29] All right.

[50:30] But that movie was bad,

[50:32] right?

Dan McCoy

[50:33] Uh,

[50:33] I didn't care for it that much,

[50:34] but many people did.

[50:36] All right.

[50:37] So,

[50:37] uh,

[50:38] Matt,

[50:39] what do you have to say about a movie that you enjoyed?

S3

[50:42] All right.

[50:43] Well,

S3

[50:43] look,

[50:43] I'll be honest with you.

[50:45] The only movie I've been watching lately is The Room.

[50:48] Have you talked about The Room?

[50:49] I'd be surprised if people hadn't mentioned it on this podcast already.

[50:53] It might have been mentioned in passing.

[50:55] All right.

[50:55] Well,

[50:55] that's my recommendation.

[50:57] The Room is a horrible movie,

[50:59] but it's,

[51:00] it's my favorite horrible movie ever.

[51:03] Uh,

[51:03] you know,

[51:04] that's the thing.

[51:05] It's,

[51:05] it's different from,

[51:06] uh,

[51:07] from Gamer because,

[51:09] well,

[51:09] Gamer sucks the life out of The Room.

[51:11] I mean,

[51:11] the room that you're in while you're watching it.

[51:13] Mm-hmm.

[51:14] The Room is just,

[51:15] you know,

[51:16] it's inadvertently entertaining.

[51:18] And every time I watch it with a group of people,

[51:20] everybody loves it.

[51:22] And,

[51:22] uh,

[51:23] yeah,

[51:23] I don't want to give away anything about The Room,

[51:25] but go and see it.

[51:27] And don't go,

[51:28] and there are screenings,

[51:29] like in,

[51:29] uh,

[51:30] New York and L.A.,

[51:31] but I would recommend seeing it with a,

[51:34] a tight-knit group of friends first.

[51:36] Because,

[51:37] if you go and see it in,

[51:40] in a theater,

[51:41] you won't be able to hear anything because everyone shouts like a maniac

[51:43] and throws plastic spoons at the,

[51:45] the screen.

[51:46] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[51:47] Well,

[51:48] Elliot has had to,

[51:49] uh,

[51:50] leap out the window.

[51:52] So,

[51:52] uh,

[51:53] Elliot also recommends The Room.

[51:55] Yeah.

[51:55] Elliot loves The Room.

[51:57] So,

[51:58] um,

[51:59] for the Flophouse,

[52:00] I'm Dan McCoy.

[52:01] I'm Matt Cough.

[52:03] And I remain Elliot Kaelin.

[52:06] Ah.

[52:06] Good night.

[52:07] Good night.

Elliott Kalan

[52:10] If they aren't Mega Man 2 levels,

[52:12] then I'm not interested.

[52:13] Seriously.

[52:14] Great game.

[52:15] Yeah.

[52:16] Much better than the one we saw in this movie.

[52:17] Capcom Classic.

S3

[52:18] Oh,

[52:18] that was the game they were playing,

[52:19] Mega Man 2.

Elliott Kalan

[52:20] Yeah,

[52:20] it was,

[52:21] it was the far future dystopian version of Mega Man 2.

[52:24] That's why when he killed guys,

[52:25] he got their leaf shields and bubble makers and whatnot.

[52:29] That explains a lot.

[52:30] Jeez.

[52:31] That's why,

[52:31] uh,

[52:32] George Butler was called Rock Man in Japan.

[52:34] Ha ha ha.

The Flop House: Episode 54 - Gamer

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