The Flop House: Episode #55 - The Ugly Truth

[0:00] Gerard Butler month continues. We discuss the ugly truth.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:37] We're all back together again. Like the Muppets. The original Peaches. Hey, hey guys. Hey. Hey

[0:45] Stuart. I don't know if you guys knew this. I see you there. Hey, hey guys. Yeah, you guys. You too.

[0:50] Yeah, all the other people in the room. Yeah, yeah, you guys. Um, I. Hey buddy, yeah. Yeah, I,

[0:56] I don't know if you guys know this, but uh, I'm turning, I'm turning 30 next week. Whoa. 30 years

[1:03] of old. Yeah. 30 years of age. 30 years. So what do you think my range is of like. Like how far

[1:11] you can get or like how far you can throw a discus. Roles you can play as an actor. We'll talk

[1:15] about girls I can get later. Let's talk about roles I can play. Okay. Uh, you could be like

[1:20] the best friend. You could be like the dumb thug. I think. No, no, no. The range of ages. Like the

[1:24] jock who doesn't know how to do math. I would say you could play anywhere between 29 and 38.

[1:33] Okay. No, I think. That's a little rough. I think you can play easily from 35 to 55.

[1:40] No, I think, I think if you, you could probably play a uh. Do you think. College student. Do you

[1:45] think I could play 13? Are you auditioning for a role? You could play a college student who had

[1:51] maybe you've like deliberately failed a couple of times. Like that guy who was at the University

[1:56] of Wisconsin who'd been in school for 13 years. Yeah. Like that kind of guy. Sure. You don't

[1:59] think I can put like a baseball cap on backwards and you'd be like. I mean you could do that. Oh

[2:03] Timmy my, he's my high school brother. Sure. I don't think. You put a beanie on and we think

[2:07] you're 13. Yeah. And I'll be listening to like headphones and playing with my swatch. Maybe if

[2:10] you hold like a giant lollipop. Oh. That's what teenagers do right? Yeah. It's very big among the

[2:17] teens now. I do have to go with Elliot on this and ask why you care. I don't know. It's you know,

[2:24] it's a, it's a milestone right? It's a milestone in a young man's life. Well I was a little glum

[2:28] when it happened to me. It's like the first nocturnal omission. Yeah. It's one of those

[2:32] things you remember for the rest of your days. You know. Well you really shouldn't. I mean you,

[2:37] you remember the aftermath. You don't remember the actual event. Yeah. Actually. No I mean I

[2:42] had it on video. Oh I see. Yeah I was looking for paranormal activities. It would be a very

[2:49] different type of movie if they were, they set up looking for a ghost and it just turns out he's

[2:54] coming in his sleep. Yeah. And it wouldn't be that like noticeable either. I mean I might wiggle

[3:00] around a little bit. Maybe. But it's not like it like sprays out like a fire hose. Maybe if

[3:03] Zelman King had produced paranormal activity. That's how paranormal omissions, is that what

[3:07] you're saying? We'd, wait there would be like more special effects like or it would just be

[3:13] more sexual. Just more, just more sexual. Oh that makes more sense. I mean Zelman King would have

[3:17] access to greater special effects and production resources. Yeah I mean he's got a lot of funding.

[3:23] Yeah. Stuart did you know that a mutual friend of ours, his father, uh directed some of the

[3:27] Red Shoe Diaries? Uh I didn't know that. That's pretty hot. Yeah. It sounds like we're really

[3:34] invested in the film that we saw tonight. The Red Shoe Diaries? Oh yeah sure. The movie version

[3:39] of the Red Shoe Diaries. Now we saw it tonight. Well they do, they have those compilations of

[3:44] episodes that they sell on tape. Yeah. And they just cut out the ending credits so you think

[3:48] that it's a movie. You cut out David Duchovny. Yeah it's called a mash-em-up. Is it? Yeah it's

[3:54] a mash-em-up. It's the Red Shoe Diaries visuals but the audio is actually a milkshake by Kellis.

[4:02] Sure. So um. Kellis? I think Kellis isn't that it? I don't know who did that song.

[4:08] Yeah. Sounds like an ancient Scottish warrior. I'll have to check my iPod. You're thinking of

[4:13] the book of Kellis. Yeah that's right the book of Kellis that's right. Um the movie we watched

[4:17] tonight fights Bran McMorrin if I remember. All right guys settle down. The film was The Ugly

[4:24] Truth. Now it seems there are two kind of truths ugly and beautiful. Guess which one this movie

[4:29] was about. Well there's also the awful truth which this movie was not. Don't confuse this film

[4:34] with the classic Irene Dunn-Carrie Grant screwball comedy. That's a very funny movie. Yeah also has a

[4:41] hilarious dog in it who's well known from the Thin Man movies. It's not like this film. This

[4:47] is the only time that Elliot is not interested in talking about the Thin Man. You're right this

[4:51] movie did not have in it the dog from the Thin Man movies who would be over 70 human years old

[4:57] which would make him 500 dog years. That would be a great movie. I do not like. You just made me

[5:04] think about how the beloved Asta from the Thin Man movies has been dead for decades. But think

[5:08] about if Asta was alive. Think about the great documentary we would have just watched on the

[5:13] world's oldest dog. Yeah. Be like a cyber dog. But it's the same way that if you watch a silent movie

[5:19] and there's a little kid in it it's like oh the kid's probably dead now that's sad. Yeah unless

[5:25] you hate kids. And then it's like oh good I'm glad that kid is dead. Man like Mickey Rooney right?

[5:31] No he's still alive. Yeah but he hated kids right? Did he? You wish they were all dead. I don't know.

[5:38] I read that in a mad magazine somewhere. So getting back to the film. This film starred

[5:44] Katharine Hygel and Gerard Butler and it was a romantic comedy. It was neither romantic nor

[5:53] funny. Really? It managed to miss out on both of those. Stuart you know a lot about romance. I do know a lot

[5:59] about romance. You're the Casanova of the group. Okay well let's see. What would have made it

[6:06] romantic? Well you just turned it right back around. Yeah but I mean like what am I looking

[6:11] for if I'm going to try and qualify how romantic it is? Well let's make sure we talk about what

[6:16] there was. There was intense sex in the movie. There was not intense sex. You took that description

[6:21] from the Wikipedia plot summary of the film. Are you claiming I didn't watch the movie? I know you

[6:27] watched it. I was right there next to you. We were all watching it. Yeah okay. You spent more time on your

[6:32] iPhone than the other people. Certainly by your standards Stuart that that sex was not intense.

[6:38] I have to believe. So unless your many stories are tall tales. Myths if you will. Unless you're just

[6:45] a yarn spinner. Sure well I'm not that. Let's see. I'm not a yarn spinner. Let's not. Yeah well

[6:54] there's intense sex in the movie. Hear me out guys. Hear me out. There's at least one intense

[7:02] makeout that might have led to intense sex except you know there was problems. There is romantic

[7:08] complications. And there was one dancing scene. And there's a scene of a woman. It was just like

[7:13] the scene from Romancing the Stone. A scene where a woman wears vibrating underpants. Oh. Don't forget

[7:18] that. Was that romantic or more comedic? Or is it? I mean it was meant to be comedic but it was

[7:22] neither. So I was being nice by calling it romantic. Okay. I was just putting it in the sex category.

[7:27] Okay. Is it possible for something to be both funny and romantic at the same time Elliot? Yes.

[7:33] Give me an example. A movie like The Thin Man. Okay. Or you know. A movie. It's possible for

[7:38] things to be funny and erotic at the same time. Let's go back. A movie that I've seen at all.

[7:43] I don't know what movies you haven't seen. How about the aforementioned Romancing the Stone?

[7:48] How about Love Actually? A movie like Annie Hall is funny and romantic at times even though the

[7:53] characters don't end up together. Spoiler alert. How about The Truth About Cats and Dogs? If you

[7:58] think it's funny and romantic then go ahead. I'm just listing movies. You're just drawing

[8:05] films from your own wells. What about Time Band? Waiting to exhale.

[8:11] Yeah. What about Silverado? Dead Presidents. So this film was 90 minutes long. It was 96. I'm

[8:20] surprised you guys haven't summarized the movie yet. Well we can do that. Yeah Elliot why don't

[8:24] you take it? Katherine Heigl is the director slash producer slash producer slash boss I guess. Wait a

[8:30] minute. This is about slash fiction? No. Do not listen. Nobody listening think about slash fiction.

[8:36] We've had bad experiences with it. Yeah well can I just take a second to say we thought. I was

[8:42] literally three words into my summary of the plot. But continue. Yes. We thought we could handle

[8:47] the slash fiction but the one piece of slash fiction that we got it was like the ending of

[8:53] Ito Mama Tambion when once the. Good pronunciation dude. Once they have the three way and the two

[8:59] young men have a sexual experience with one another. That's what happened? They could not

[9:05] be friends anymore. Spoiler alert. And much in the same way just reading a slash fiction piece

[9:12] with the three of us. We couldn't be lovers anymore. Yeah right. It's a little awkward.

[9:15] Our sexual relationship had to end. Yeah strictly business from now on guys. Yeah

[9:20] strictly ballroom from now on. So anyway back to the. All right back to the half a

[9:24] sentence that I had gotten to. Katherine Heigl is the director of a morning television show

[9:30] in Sacramento which apparently is doing poorly in the ratings. She is also a prude and a control

[9:35] freak. She has trouble with men. So in an effort to spice up the show they bring on local cable

[9:42] access star. What's his name? Chase Manaway? Mike Chadway. Mike Chadway. Gerard Butler of Gamer

[9:54] who is you know like a man show type. You know he is what guys like girls with big tits. So hey

[9:59] get your boo.

[10:00] the girls you know i think you actually have uh... shadowed adam cruella for

[10:04] this role

[10:05] this is like this is not a joke here

[10:07] i'll really feel

[10:08] that was his one glad it wasn't a joke to him

[10:11] yeah because it was shockingly like funny like anything else involving adam

[10:17] cruella was it was not

[10:19] you were just a roll-up

[10:21] there you deflected my attack you may have enough to respond to dan's name

[10:25] so i was so anyway they bring jarred butler in

[10:29] he immediately starts causing trouble that's the fellow from the three hundred

[10:32] film yes yes the three hundred film yes i think it's a it's a

[10:36] the alias with the

[10:39] you know we

[10:41] so jarred butler the ratings are going up as he brings is no-nonsense style of

[10:46] romantic advice

[10:47] to the show

[10:48] katherine heigl disapproves of it

[10:50] until she suddenly stops kind of because he starts giving her relationship advice

[10:54] and it works so that she can attract colin

[10:58] the blandly handsome doctor who lives across uh... living kindle across the

[11:03] apartment building from her

[11:04] he's really in shape though

[11:06] he's in very good shape

[11:08] and they meet by her seeing his penis and he's a doctor

[11:11] and she's seen his penis so she has kind of an idea what she's in for yeah and he

[11:15] wears a tremendous uh... series of fleece pullovers

[11:18] i was convinced that

[11:20] the end

[11:21] the

[11:23] the plot twist would be that he was gay

[11:26] that i was convinced because he was so

[11:28] fit and like well-dressed which shows how stereotyped i am

[11:32] i'm a bigot i guess but uh... anyway long story short because the movie is

[11:36] terrible

[11:38] they go through a bunch of hilarious situations a lot of scenes of mumbling

[11:42] and uh... whispering there's a lot of long talking scenes that are boring

[11:46] uh... there are a lot of comedy scenes that are also boring where katherine heigl

[11:49] screws things up

[11:50] but they have the

[11:52] the basic scenes you expect like there's the scene where

[11:55] he's get he she's got a mic in her ears that he can gerard butler can feed lines

[11:59] to her that she can use on colin like syrano but then he starts saying

[12:03] things to other situations and she repeats it and it's inappropriate

[12:06] what are you going to do

[12:07] or like the scene where and that ends in a everybody thinks she's giving him a hand job

[12:12] moment yeah

[12:13] uh... or

[12:14] the

[12:15] scene where

[12:16] she is at a work meeting but there's something embarrassing that happens that

[12:19] causes her to orgasm at the table you know it's all stupid

[12:23] well there's something that happens are the pair of vibrating panties that she intentionally

[12:27] puts on that she intentionally puts on she she's going on a date with colin

[12:30] he sends her a text message that says running late so she's like

[12:34] man how am i going to kill the minutes that i'm going to wait for him i know i'll put on a pair

[12:37] of vibrating panties alright but

[12:39] that as long as we're going to get in she just got in the mail yeah as long as we're going to get in

[12:43] that happens dude that happens sometimes

[12:47] it's still stupid of her to say like

[12:49] well i can probably come and then put these away before he gets here but as long as we're getting into this

[12:54] uh... since it probably is the comic set piece of the film which is not saying

[12:58] much for the film did not gerard butler give her these vibrating panties did not

[13:03] yes hamlet

[13:06] i believe

[13:07] gerard butler be the rogue that bestoweth the the difference in this case

[13:12] though is that gerard butler's character is significantly more of an active

[13:15] protagonist than hamlet ever was uh... a very astute point stewart

[13:21] at this point in the film

[13:23] uh... she and gerard butler are ostensibly still a bit at each other's

[13:27] throats like it's a marriage of convenience but they're friends he's helping her out

[13:30] right but but she

[13:33] you know she's not

[13:34] totally on board and she's like okay this guy what woman can resist vibrating panties

[13:39] i have not met this woman sir

[13:42] bring her before me everything we've seen in this movie before this leads me to believe

[13:47] that katherine heigl's character upon receiving vibrating panties from gerard butler

[13:52] would uh... toss them in the garbage she'd roll her eyes and say

[13:57] oh man gerard butler this is the moment she's been fighting against his advice to

[14:01] loosen up this is the moment we're in

[14:03] she has a moment of doubt as we would say where she says maybe he's right

[14:07] maybe i should loosen up

[14:08] maybe i should loosen my vagina up via these vibrating panties

[14:13] that's what happened?

[14:15] this is a family recording no it has never been there are people listening to this while

[14:19] they make dinner yeah well that's true

[14:22] you kept commenting on how the vibrating panties were black and her dress was

[14:27] white so it'd be obvious that you'd see it through it's just kind of dressing as style

[14:31] goes you know yeah

[14:33] uh... but anyway you don't want visible panty lines when you're going out on a date with

[14:36] colin

[14:37] you have a bunch of uh... yeah but it's kind of hot because then you know

[14:40] you can see their panties right

[14:42] anyway they they they stewart knows the ugly truth about men she didn't realize

[14:46] that there was a corporate dinner with the guys from corporate

[14:49] so it's a mix em up? so she ends up at this dinner with the guys from corporate

[14:54] the remote control for the panties falls out of her purse and a child picks them

[14:58] up but it falls out of her purse when she kicks gerard butler for saying

[15:02] something misogynistic yeah so it's like her getting like served it's her comeuppance

[15:07] yeah for being such a shrewd anyway

[15:10] long story short again during a whirlwind trip to los angeles where

[15:13] gerard butler's appearing on the craig ferguson show

[15:16] uh... wait the craig ferguson show? that's right they got the late late show

[15:21] the late late show with craig ferguson surely it was a craig ferguson look alike no you would be wrong there

[15:25] they got the craig ferguson wait is that that irish guy no actually scottish

[15:29] okay

[15:30] the only joke i laughed at in the whole movie was the one where

[15:33] katherine heigl is trying to prep gerard butler for what the show is going to be like

[15:37] and tries to do a scottish accent it sounds irish and gerard butler goes

[15:40] okay well irish scott irish uh...

[15:43] craig ferguson i want to say scott ferguson for some reason

[15:47] and that was the only joke where i was like ah that's kind of funny because

[15:50] people get irish and scottish accents mixed up

[15:53] well it's also kind of funny because uh...

[15:55] gerard butler uh... he's an english guy right? he's scottish

[15:58] scottish so it seemed like that came from a place of reality

[16:02] within gerard butler yeah like maybe he improvised that uh... semi

[16:07] it was one of gerard butler's famous on-set ad-libs and the best kind of joke is the one that like we can sit

[16:12] around and discuss why it was really funny yes and that requires the knowledge of the

[16:16] home countries of late night talk show hosts

[16:19] uh... and the actors clearly starring in the ugly truth clearly you listeners at home know

[16:24] i'm making a joke the best kind of jokes are actually the ones that involve

[16:28] kicking somebody in the crotch

[16:30] ding dong sound effects or boobs bouncing out of a chick's shirt

[16:34] really farts didn't make it on the list they got kicked out by the ding dong sound effect

[16:39] i'm really a big fan ding dong sound effect like a doorbell or like a spring

[16:45] that's a boiling point yeah what are you talking about i don't know

[16:50] ding dong it's way funnier now i agree i'm with stewart on this one

[16:55] so uh... long story short on this whirlwind trip somebody falls in love with somebody

[16:59] they dance with each other they have a moment of passion like in romancing this town

[17:03] yes they have a moment of passion which is interrupted

[17:05] and then

[17:06] blah blah blah gerard butler leaves the station because she wants she's staying

[17:10] with colin

[17:11] well he thinks that she's staying with colin he thinks she's staying with colin but she actually breaks up with colin

[17:15] and then they meet up again at a hot air balloon festival

[17:21] you were watching it that's what happens and he admits his love for her on live television

[17:27] and everything's okay

[17:29] who was filming it there's a camera set up in the basket of the hot air balloon

[17:34] a local fucking place has a camera which the station puts on a live feed to capture the

[17:40] private moments that they have and then

[17:43] like in the olympics and then when they say crazy things and start swearing

[17:47] and it's broadcast live the producer on the network is like

[17:49] uh oh here it comes oh no he looks over at the judge and the judge is like

[17:54] allow it

[17:56] but it's one of those things where it's like

[17:57] they could cut away at any moment the actual show they're supposed to be broadcasting

[18:01] you just cut the feed they don't need to

[18:03] and they lived happily ever after and they had intense sex at the end

[18:06] they did

[18:08] but it ends with gerard butler curiously

[18:11] not confident about his sexual performance

[18:13] yeah which is disappointing because up until this point

[18:16] we the viewers believe that he is quite the stallion if it were

[18:21] but he's somewhat emasculated at the end of the film

[18:23] because it proves once again that a woman's real power is in her ability to fake her orgasms

[18:29] whereas a dude could only fake an orgasm by blinding a woman and spitting on her

[18:33] wow what?

[18:37] there is also a brief moment they replace gerard butler

[18:39] wait i didn't say that did i?

[18:41] gerard butler leaves the station so they replace him with a guy named

[18:44] what was it?

[18:45] chet jackson?

[18:46] jack magnum?

[18:47] jack magnum

[18:48] chet jackson

[18:49] it sounds like a relief pitcher

[18:55] they replace him with a guy named jack magnum

[18:58] who starts saying like listen

[19:00] it's this weird moment where he's like

[19:02] i'm at the hot air balloon festival to tell you that men are full of hot air

[19:05] but really what i'm going to say is women are liars

[19:08] when they say no they don't mean no

[19:10] just keep going

[19:11] yeah and earlier on he said i've had sex with 150 women

[19:15] many of them conscious or something like that

[19:17] yeah it was this very weird moment where it was suddenly like

[19:20] oh my god they put a rapist on television

[19:22] and then that's swept aside for the romantic

[19:24] well that's the thing i think they were trying to go for this guy's a creep

[19:29] and instead they went way past that

[19:31] it's weird because gerard butler's character is so relatively tame

[19:35] he's supposed to be like the misogynistic perv

[19:38] but really it's like there's nothing he says that you couldn't say on daytime television

[19:42] like there's nothing out there or crazy about him

[19:46] so his character doesn't work

[19:47] but yeah they try to replace him

[19:48] yeah i mean his character operates on like the charlie sheen in two and a half men level

[19:51] yeah exactly

[19:52] not that i ever saw that show

[19:54] but like

[19:55] i heard

[19:56] you're right it's like they wanted to show like

[19:57] really he's not that bad a guy

[19:59] so they went really

[20:00] For a man who commits one of the worst crimes that exists. Yeah, you know

[20:04] Catherine Heigl's character is this prude that is so far to the I think that we're talking about how that's really the

[20:11] Biggest problem with the movie is that it tries to go for this like old-timey romantic comedy feel

[20:16] but it doesn't make sense in this day and age where like you don't run into women that are that extremely like

[20:22] Prudish like her character is so like weird if you do

[20:26] They don't dress or act the way that she does like there's they're talking about

[20:30] You need to sex up your wardrobe and she's wearing like tight-fitting jeans and a shirt that shows off her shape

[20:36] Like she's not wearing prudish clothes when he says this

[20:39] It's it's just a weird thing of like we gotta make her look like she's really unsexy and it doesn't have sex a lot

[20:45] But it's Catherine Heigl. So we got a sex up this character, you know

[20:47] Yeah, some stuff to get the guy, you know put the boyfriends in the seat next to their girl

[20:51] They're gonna be sitting through this movie. We got to give them some eye candy

[20:54] Maybe maybe they'll go cuz that guy was in the gamer in the 300 movie

[21:00] Starring Fred Savage, but uh, it's the wizard

[21:04] But like yeah, if if he wasn't really the star, he was a supporting. No, he was the star

[21:09] But he wasn't the actual gameplay. It wasn't a wizard. Okay, he wasn't the title character, but he was a star

[21:14] I thought all I know is that movie Mario from Super Mario 3. That was that was the surprise star of the film

[21:20] I

[21:26] Wish in the credits that it said power glove himself the younger version of

[21:30] Hit indie singer Ginny Lewis was the star

[21:33] I don't know who that is

[21:34] But no like if you can counter someone that I made a reference that I understood. Yeah. Oh, damn

[21:43] That's the real McCoy

[21:45] That would be my segment on the show

[21:47] But um, no, but yeah

[21:49] If you met someone has buttoned down in modern life as Katherine Heigl is in this film

[21:54] Thing is I feel like they would up but not yeah, like they would recognize that they had a problem themselves

[22:01] They're like, yeah, you know, I'm just you know

[22:03] I just you know

[22:03] I'm just I'm not comfortable with my sexuality and like they would be aware of that and other people would be aware that that was weird

[22:09] where she's like presented I feel like as some sort of

[22:13] I'm not like not like a norm like they definitely make it clear that she's like a crazy control feat

[22:18] But but in a way that where it's like it's like it turns on and off when they need it to for the scenes, right?

[22:23] And it's not a well-written movie. Yeah

[22:28] She borderline has emotional problems the way they depict her in the movie and they don't but they don't like

[22:34] Portrayers being kind of like an outsider. She's not like that

[22:38] What Angela Bettis is character in May

[22:41] Yeah, she's not building a lover out of the bits and pieces of men and women who have come on to her

[22:48] Yeah, she's not doing that. Yeah. Yeah, it's but uh, it's like it feels like she they could have easily made a character

[22:55] who is a very successful woman in the world of television in directing which in a lot of places is a

[23:01] May is a male-dominated

[23:02] Field she's gotten there by kind of turning off her femininity and her sexuality

[23:07] The kind I mean they made this movie a hundred times before and now she has to blossom again

[23:11] But they'd she's never turned it off like the characters just not none of the characters are extreme enough for any of the jokes or

[23:17] situations to work

[23:19] They're all kind of middle-of-the-road and bland and and Colin is the blandest of them all them all like he's just he is literally there

[23:25] To fill the space in the air or in the frame that the human body is needed to fill

[23:30] It's strange because there's a million more people with like even just the slightest bit more charisma than that guy

[23:36] Like they're gonna put Paul Walker in this movie and the movie would have been way better. Yeah

[23:42] He's a black. It's a black hole of charm Paul Walker, and he would have improved the ugly truth. Yeah

[23:50] I would like to talk about how vague this film is about it

[23:54] Like the problem with so many bad movies is their lack of specificity and it was only

[24:00] Three quarters away through the film that we realized what city this was supposed to be taking care taking

[24:07] They naturally assumed the audience would recognize the famous landmarks and buildings of Sacramento, California

[24:13] Yeah, a town that nobody has been to even the people who live there

[24:16] Well, we only learned it because my capital of California my wife yelled it from the other room

[24:22] She looked it up on Wikipedia. Yeah

[24:25] She had a long gotten bored of the film and left but she was you know, cuz not by the mystery of what

[24:34] She's the target audience a lady with 2x chromosomes a

[24:39] Lady with you know, that's just women that you know, she's a lady with a husband who doesn't mind sitting down for the occasional movie

[24:46] Yeah, exactly, you know, so yeah target demographic, but um, so it's Sacramento

[24:53] It's at this morning show that apparently it has no name I think yeah, it's ratings are so bad that it is

[25:01] consistently beaten by this public access show that Gerard Butler has but it has not been canceled yet and

[25:10] even in spite of these bad ratings

[25:12] It gets guests like Rocco Dispirito and Desmond Tutu on it that they just mentioned Desmond Tutu

[25:17] You don't actually see you see Rocco Dispirito on the show

[25:20] But the producers of the ugly truth apparently could not convince the archbishop to show up and be in the film

[25:25] But they got Craig Ferguson and Rocco Dispirito. Yeah, so there's that weird

[25:32] Really Wow, I know I didn't I'm not that advanced in that

[25:38] Well, and there's this weirdness that it's like this morning show, but it doesn't appear like it's like Good Morning America or something

[25:44] It like seems like a regular news show, but then it'll give over half of its time to this long to the ugly truth

[25:49] Yeah, they're Butler. So what it's not his character's name

[25:55] Like Jack Corvette

[25:58] Cadillac Bronson

[25:59] I'm just saying this like what kind of fucking shows this this is a show about broadcasting that has no understanding of like the most

[26:06] basic

[26:07] It's like a morning show like

[26:10] you know

[26:11] It's it's an it's a like a the show I keep thinking of is the show that Danny Tanner hosted on full house called

[26:18] Wake up, San Francisco like that show but at a news desk in the beginning. They keep saying like you're a newsman

[26:23] This is a news show

[26:24] But all we ever see them do is a cooking segment these ugly truth segments and the set and they tease segments like then coming

[26:31] Up, we look at the porpoises at the zoo. It's like this is not a news show. This is a fluff morning show

[26:37] Yeah, why not have?

[26:39] I

[26:41] What jet racing stripe talking around in in jello and gelatin based stuff

[26:48] Yeah, we're women. Well, there's also a scene in this film and maybe we missed something because we're you know

[26:54] We talked through the films. I don't know. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't hold up pull the curtain back

[26:58] Yeah, but I take notes and everything. Mm-hmm, but there's a scene in this movie like four times

[27:04] Where that and we read this replay there's a scene where Gerard God's sake let me finish

[27:10] Yes get through an idea so that the people listening to the

[27:19] Finish sense. Okay. Anyway, it's the build-up. So there's a scene in this movie gonna be good where

[27:26] Catherine Heigl is listening is talking to Colin and Gerard Butler listens in

[27:31] From his cell phone

[27:33] Okay, so she's talking on a work line and he somehow listens in to her

[27:38] Might be a cell phone. It might be a cordless phone that is also in the office on that line

[27:43] But then why does she have two phones in her office?

[27:45] This is what I'm saying. It may have been something that we missed because we were talking

[27:50] But it just feels like the movie doesn't care. It doesn't care to make sense

[27:54] Well, this is also the kind of movie like he says in the beginning

[27:58] We're being beaten by this great guy on channel 83

[28:02] Public access they could have easily had her go home and say like well

[28:06] I'll see this for myself and turn on that show

[28:08] Because the show is apparently because his ugly truth TV shows apparently on 24 hours a day

[28:14] But instead her cat steps on the remote which turns on the TV to the right channel like why bother?

[28:20] Why have something that like it's almost as if the movie was saying her pussy turns him on

[28:26] I I think

[28:28] That symbolism is so far above the head like what's going on in this thing?

[28:40] Her cat her cat Stuart by the way

[28:45] Names d'Artagnan he would have been oh, yeah

[28:47] So d'Artagnan breaks a fishbowl. That's when you first learned his name because this is d'Artagnan

[28:53] How could you or something like that the cat runs up a tree and goes d'Artagnan come back d'Artagnan d'Artagnan?

[29:00] Well, this is her fourth cat there. There's Athos Porthos and Aramis before this and they all passed away

[29:05] I would I'll bet eight takes of her turning and shouting

[29:11] I would have made her do it 70 times

[29:14] That was the way I would punish her if she was if she was being cranky on set well

[29:18] We should do some more d'Artagnan takes

[29:21] If you're known for keeping your actors in line, oh, yeah, I'm like Fritz Lang that way Wow

[29:26] Yeah, you're like that one director who did everything 80 times to sap any personality out of it

[29:32] I forget who it was but it's like a famous director who like that was his thing

[29:36] He just he just wanted them to say the word so we would do every take like a hundred times like yep

[29:41] That's the one I want Chris Columbus

[29:51] I'm not a fan of his work. He means well, I know that yeah, I find him neither funny nor interesting his well

[29:59] Okay

[30:00] I'm speaking of big news. I like most of the spoilers.

[30:02] I am not, I haven't seen, he was involved with the Sarah Marshall movie, right?

[30:07] He produced it, yeah.

[30:08] I've seen two and a half movies he's directed, and I couldn't finish the third one.

[30:13] So that's why I'm only saying that.

[30:14] But anyway, the ugly truth, huh?

[30:16] Anyhow, yeah, it was an ugly truth.

[30:20] I hope Mr. Avatar will still read my screenplay.

[30:22] It's called Bunch of Guys Hang Out and Get High and Talk About Stuff from When They Were Kids.

[30:29] There's a shrewish woman in it.

[30:31] The movie.

[30:32] That is some Mad Magazine level satire you just threw at us.

[30:36] Well, I made it up right now on the top of the top of my head, you know.

[30:38] Yeah, if he was writing something for Mad Magazine, he'd spend at least $20,000.

[30:42] There'd be way more Yiddish in it.

[30:44] Yeah.

[30:48] Anywho, yeah, it's not a...

[30:51] So this was not a very good...

[30:53] This is a very bland movie.

[30:56] You were pitching us a romantic comedy at the beginning of this movie.

[31:00] I was.

[31:01] Yeah, okay.

[31:01] Called Bad Date.

[31:02] Okay, what's the deal there?

[31:04] It takes place over one night.

[31:06] Okay.

[31:06] And this guy goes on...

[31:08] I'm listening.

[31:09] ...the worst date ever.

[31:10] What kind of guy?

[31:12] He's your average show.

[31:13] He has a little bit...

[31:13] Does he have two arms?

[31:14] He has two arms and two legs.

[31:16] Okay.

[31:16] But not at the end of the date.

[31:18] Oh, no.

[31:18] That's how bad this date is.

[31:20] Sunglasses.

[31:22] He's not cool enough for sunglasses, but he'll need them when his eyes get pulled out by crows.

[31:26] When he's hanging from a gibbet.

[31:27] Sure.

[31:28] Or gibbet.

[31:28] I don't know.

[31:28] That makes sense.

[31:29] Does he learn anything from the experience?

[31:31] What he learns is...

[31:32] What's his arc?

[31:34] His arc is basically, I'm not gonna go on a date with her again.

[31:38] Yeah, okay.

[31:38] But he doesn't have any limbs.

[31:40] Don't interrupt.

[31:40] Elliot, I gotta say...

[31:41] Or maybe he might just lose one leg.

[31:43] Don't interrupt.

[31:44] What type of actress is gonna play this bad date?

[31:49] She's gonna be real sexy.

[31:50] Okay, real sexy.

[31:50] But she is trouble.

[31:52] She's gotta be able to play like...

[31:52] Clumsy, maybe?

[31:53] No, no, not...

[31:54] Well, a little bit of clumsy.

[31:56] Also kind of crazy.

[31:58] And maybe she's related to a murderer.

[32:02] Okay, related to a murderer.

[32:03] I like this.

[32:05] I like this.

[32:06] At some point, this takes a left turn.

[32:08] It's like a lot of like, oops, she stood up at the wrong moment and knocked over the waiter's tray.

[32:12] Like a Miranda Richardson type.

[32:14] Kind of.

[32:15] And then eventually goes into SAW territory.

[32:16] Oh, wow.

[32:18] I like where you're going here.

[32:19] It's like a more dramatic something wild.

[32:21] Yeah, exactly.

[32:22] Or like National Lampoon's blind date.

[32:24] But if like, it was called blind date because he was blinded at the end.

[32:28] Or like Heartbreak Kid, but with more Ben Stiller.

[32:31] But with his heart actually torn in two.

[32:33] I think you're gonna...

[32:33] Gotta sew it back together with shoelaces.

[32:35] I think you're gonna lose the young female quadrant when he loses his eyes.

[32:40] Well, he's gonna be...

[32:40] There's gonna be plenty of yucks in it.

[32:42] You know, there's lots of jokes.

[32:44] I mean, young girls eat up that moment where the main character...

[32:48] They eat up eyes.

[32:48] They eat up that moment where he's like standing in the midst of a howling gale.

[32:54] Howling at an uncaring god.

[32:56] Holding the remains of his eyes.

[32:58] On a blasted heath.

[33:00] With sounds!

[33:02] With naught but the fool to...

[33:03] Hey, Excelsior!

[33:04] Or I guess the fool is with Lear.

[33:07] So it's...

[33:07] Which is the good brother?

[33:08] Edmund or Edward?

[33:09] I don't remember.

[33:10] Oh, okay.

[33:11] Well, he's the one who's with Gloucester.

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:13] So...

[33:14] So that sounds like a great movie.

[33:16] I would love to write a movie called Bad Date that

[33:19] like starts out like it's a very silly movie and then just gets very...

[33:24] It's not...

[33:24] Like Audition?

[33:26] But that's the thing.

[33:26] It's been done before something like Audition.

[33:28] Except Audition where the first half of the movie isn't painfully boring to sit through.

[33:32] Oh, okay.

[33:33] But that's the whole point.

[33:35] That makes the ending all the sweeter.

[33:37] I did not when I watched it.

[33:39] It's that slow burn you like so much.

[33:41] Because Audition is the movie that...

[33:43] It's better if you don't know what's coming.

[33:45] But if I didn't know what was coming, I probably would have stopped watching the movie.

[33:49] Sure.

[33:50] Because it's not particularly entertaining.

[33:53] A lot of Takeshi Miike movies are like that.

[33:55] Except a lot of his movies are crazy right off the bat.

[33:57] That's true.

[33:58] Like Ishii the Killer has its slow moments, but it's insane right from the beginning.

[34:03] Well, that's fair.

[34:04] When the title appears in a puddle of semen, you know?

[34:06] Yeah.

[34:07] All right.

[34:07] Well, now that we're in a roundtable discussion of Takeshi Miike...

[34:12] And then you got a movie like Izu, which...

[34:14] Sure.

[34:15] Or Gozu.

[34:16] Or Gozu.

[34:17] He loves his zoos.

[34:18] I think we should probably wrap up our ugly truth discussion.

[34:22] What's left of it?

[34:23] I guess...

[34:24] No, to say we can go on to judgments.

[34:26] That's all I'm saying.

[34:26] Oh, okay.

[34:27] Because it seems like we've...

[34:29] What kind of judgments?

[34:30] Final judgments.

[34:31] Final judgments?

[34:34] So to reset this for the audience, our categories are...

[34:38] Is this a good bad movie?

[34:40] A bad bad movie?

[34:41] Or a movie that you actually sort of liked?

[34:43] Stuart.

[34:45] I'm gonna say bad bad movie because there wasn't nearly enough silly stuff.

[34:48] Like, I was expecting it to not be a lot of fun.

[34:51] But aside from the hilarious vibrating panties scene,

[34:56] there is nothing that I really enjoyed in this movie.

[34:58] The erotic vibrating panties scene.

[35:00] I also did enjoy Gerard Butler's attempt to hide his little chipmunk cheeks with a half beard.

[35:07] But it didn't work, buddy.

[35:09] Go for a full beard.

[35:10] Gerard Butler's gonna come and he's gonna beat all of us.

[35:14] Not me. I haven't said anything about how puffy he looks.

[35:16] He can beat me up, that's okay.

[35:19] He'll be like, paparazzi.

[35:20] I will take his picture.

[35:22] He also will come out how Gerard Butler talks out of the side of his mouth like Popeye.

[35:27] That's true.

[35:30] Yeah, this is a bad bad movie.

[35:33] There were a couple of moments where I was sort of like...

[35:36] Like, when the two leads were allowed to just sort of be palling around.

[35:42] You know, when it was a movie about people who disagreed,

[35:45] but were workers who work together and friends.

[35:48] Like, I actually kind of found some of that a little charming.

[35:51] There was potential there.

[35:52] Yeah, like, there could have been chemistry if they were allowed to just be like,

[35:57] okay, well, we disagree, but we're not going to argue about it all the time.

[36:01] But like, that's just going to be a source of,

[36:03] you know, like a little fun friction in our relationship.

[36:06] And that was the film rather than all these contrivances.

[36:10] That wouldn't have been a great movie,

[36:12] but at least it might have some enjoyable moments.

[36:15] Whereas this was just, you know, the worst kind of,

[36:19] I don't buy the numbers, romantic comedy.

[36:21] Like, okay, well, we're going to mix in a little Cyrano.

[36:24] We're going to have like some opposites attract.

[36:26] It's going to be...

[36:27] People are going to get caught in situations that seem sexual or are awkward or embarrassing.

[36:32] And then we're going to cut away from that scene

[36:35] so we don't have to extricate them from that situation.

[36:37] Yeah.

[36:38] Yeah, it just wasn't good.

[36:39] Maybe in this movie with Jennifer Aniston, it'll be better.

[36:45] Oh, that's right.

[36:46] Yeah, Jordan Butler's got a...

[36:47] Is it the Bounty Hunter film?

[36:48] Yeah, maybe that'll be right up your alley.

[36:51] I think it was called Bounty Hunter.

[36:51] You should take a date to that one.

[36:52] Sure.

[36:53] Perhaps my wife or someone else.

[36:56] That could be our next Flophouse contest.

[36:58] Go on a date with Dan McCoy.

[37:01] My wife wants to stay married to me, so she doesn't want to see the Bounty Hunter.

[37:05] Who wants to see the Bounty Hunter with me?

[37:07] Nice.

[37:07] So what is the Bounty Hunter about?

[37:09] It's about...

[37:10] It's a bounty hunter.

[37:11] Let the X Games begin.

[37:13] Sayeth the poster.

[37:14] That's the slogan on the poster.

[37:17] Not really what the movie's about, but...

[37:19] That's all I need to know.

[37:20] Gerard Butler had found his niche once, which was man with cut abs who bellows at Persians.

[37:29] Brandishes a sword.

[37:30] Since then, they've been trying him.

[37:32] It's kind of the same way that if he was a star in the 30s or 40s...

[37:37] P.S. I love you.

[37:41] P.S. Elliot.

[37:43] Thanks, Will.

[37:45] He's not saying a movie title.

[37:46] No, no.

[37:47] He just wanted to tell you that.

[37:48] He's writing the postscript to a letter he has yet to write.

[37:52] But it's like in the 30s or 40s, you have a new star.

[37:55] Suddenly, he's hit it big with this movie, 300.

[37:58] You're going to try him out in as many different types of movies as you can

[38:01] to see what he's good in and what he's not good in.

[38:03] What the audience wants to see him do.

[38:05] It almost feels like Gerard Butler is going through that process right now,

[38:08] where it's like, let's see if he can do romantic comedy.

[38:10] Okay, maybe not that.

[38:11] Let's see if he can do...

[38:13] Drama will be next.

[38:14] I hope they do that with that Sam Worthington guy,

[38:17] instead of just putting him in movies filled with CGI.

[38:20] I don't think that's going to happen.

[38:22] I'm hoping for some like a musical comedy.

[38:25] Maybe a fantasy children's film.

[38:27] That sounds great.

[38:28] So many musical comedies.

[38:30] Maybe like a Jewish family holiday comedy.

[38:35] Are there those?

[38:37] Do those exist?

[38:40] I'll point you in the right direction.

[38:41] Yeah, please do.

[38:42] Oh, and my final judgment is bad, bad movie.

[38:45] What Dan said.

[38:45] It was very by the numbers, but not in a good way.

[38:49] There can be something very fun in seeing a movie that does a formula very well,

[38:53] but seeing a movie that does a formula very poorly is bad.

[38:56] Example.

[38:57] Certain kinds of action movies, or certain kinds of romantic comedies.

[39:01] A movie like Pretty Woman.

[39:03] It's not a favorite of mine, but it has a kind of formula of characters

[39:08] going through some similar motions, and then it works for people.

[39:12] Yeah, I was talking to my lady.

[39:16] We watched Couples Retreat, which was terrible.

[39:19] And she made this comment of like, oh, it was worse than I expected.

[39:23] I'm like, well, I figured it was going to be a piece of shit.

[39:25] But I guess there is that comfort you get from something that's

[39:29] at least good at being very bland, like very by the numbers.

[39:32] Well, even there are horror movies that are like that, too.

[39:35] Oh, right.

[39:36] You're tying it in with something I like.

[39:38] Exactly.

[39:38] You're like a relationship coach.

[39:40] Yeah, let's take a look at this.

[39:41] You're like Dr. Oz.

[39:44] No, he's not a relationship coach.

[39:45] No, he's not at all.

[39:46] He's a medical doctor.

[39:50] But there's a problem with your relationship.

[39:52] You have cancer.

[39:52] It's a rectum.

[39:53] It's something in your rectum.

[39:55] Okay.

[39:56] Thanks, Dr. Oz, I guess.

[39:58] Your relationship with your body.

[40:00] But like a horror movie or a science fiction movie, like there can be a good – like I'm

[40:06] hopefully going to finally see Avatar this weekend, but what I've heard from people

[40:10] who liked it is that it delivered what they wanted very well, that they knew what was

[40:15] going to happen, but there were no surprises, but they didn't want there to be surprises.

[40:19] So like there can be a certain joy in that.

[40:22] Well, that being settled.

[40:25] So that was the theory part of this podcast.

[40:28] Now that we've resolved that, I can move on to the flop house movie Mailbag.

[40:42] This one is from –

[40:44] It's not written in that small a print, Dan.

[40:46] Dan was holding the paper literally less than a millimeter from his glasses.

[40:50] I don't think that was a literal –

[40:52] His nose actually poked through the paper.

[40:55] Wow.

[40:56] It was so close to his face.

[40:58] Like Patterson.

[40:59] My printer was running out of ink.

[41:00] Patterson?

[41:01] Yeah, isn't that the –

[41:02] The governor?

[41:03] Yeah.

[41:04] He has serious visual problems.

[41:06] I know, but every – like he says some stuff that's pretty serious and you're like,

[41:09] oh, that makes sense, and then he just like leans right over the paper and it totally

[41:13] messes it up.

[41:14] Okay.

[41:15] Well, Stuart hates blind people.

[41:17] Oh, come on.

[41:18] Just when they're in a position of power.

[41:20] So anyway – no, my printer was running out of ink and thus –

[41:25] Looks like you better catch it.

[41:27] That doesn't work.

[41:28] Running out of ink?

[41:29] No, it doesn't.

[41:30] Ink must be a location of some kind.

[41:36] Anyway.

[41:39] You've ruined everything.

[41:41] So this is from Dion, last name withheld.

[41:44] Warwick.

[41:46] We know what the last name is.

[41:48] Sanders.

[41:49] Maybe it's Sanders.

[41:50] Dear floppers, it's come to my attention that the flop house doesn't have a tagline.

[41:55] That sucks.

[41:56] Here are some suggestions.

[41:57] Okay.

[41:59] Their follies are fun.

[42:01] Okay.

[42:02] A swift kick to a bad movie's balls.

[42:04] This one's less of a tagline than just an explanation.

[42:08] Your movie sucks.

[42:09] Here's why.

[42:10] I actually like that one.

[42:11] Yeah?

[42:12] I like – I mean the other ones have a certain flair to them, but I like that one a lot.

[42:16] All those would look good if plastered on the bottom of a poster with the three of us like with our arms crossed on it.

[42:22] Yeah.

[42:23] Back to back.

[42:24] Shaking our heads.

[42:25] Yeah.

[42:26] Shaking our heads no.

[42:27] We're sitting in a –

[42:28] Can you shake your heads in a poster?

[42:29] Well, I –

[42:30] It's lenticular.

[42:31] As you walk by it, the heads shake.

[42:32] Wow.

[42:33] That's going to cost a lot.

[42:35] I mean if we want the posters –

[42:36] No, each one is going to cost 15 or 20 dollars at least.

[42:39] We're going to print up a thousand of them.

[42:41] That's no good.

[42:42] Or like –

[42:43] I don't have the budget for that.

[42:45] Or it's like the scary movie poster.

[42:49] We're all sitting in movie theater seats, like throwing popcorn at the screen or something.

[42:54] Sure, and various characters from the films that we're making fun of will be sitting next to us, but slightly twisted versions of them.

[43:01] Caricatured, if you will.

[43:02] Yeah.

[43:03] But he says something like that.

[43:04] Like surfing with a giant head?

[43:06] Exactly.

[43:07] Or with a tennis racket in their hands.

[43:09] Roller skating.

[43:10] Driving a tiny car.

[43:13] He says perhaps another vague contest is in order.

[43:16] I say that only one vague contest at a time.

[43:19] But this would be a very good vague contest.

[43:21] It's a good vague contest.

[43:22] Well, we actually have –

[43:23] I forgot to hand these to you guys before this.

[43:25] We have contest prizes for reels.

[43:27] Well, I was going to get into that because in his postscript he says,

[43:30] P.S. Dan is the classy one.

[43:34] The classy one.

[43:35] Between occasional clinks of ice on glass and the fairly consistent political correctness,

[43:40] Dan keeps Joke Train on track and Stewart off the FBI watch list.

[43:44] Yay!

[43:46] I love that.

[43:47] That is an accurate hook.

[43:48] I think that's good.

[43:49] I mean, it's kind of like calling me the Cyclops of the group, but I like it better.

[43:55] Leonardo, yep.

[43:56] Well, it's phrased in a more pleasant way, though.

[43:59] Yeah, it makes it sound like you're the Frasier.

[44:01] Like I'm Dean Martin or something.

[44:03] As opposed to the Ted Danson.

[44:04] Yeah.

[44:05] You're Dean Martin, yeah.

[44:08] Or who was there?

[44:09] Was there anyone in?

[44:10] Or who would he be on Night Court?

[44:12] The bailiff?

[44:13] Not the bailiff.

[44:14] Yeah, he's not.

[44:15] Mack?

[44:16] Yeah, yeah, Mack.

[44:17] That's who he'd be.

[44:18] Wait, would I get to be?

[44:19] No.

[44:20] You'd be Harry and I'd be John Larroquette, right?

[44:21] Yeah, of course.

[44:22] That sounds awesome.

[44:23] I'd be okay being Mack.

[44:24] Can we go do that?

[44:25] Yes.

[44:26] Yeah, I'll start up the holodeck.

[44:29] We could have our Night Court adventure.

[44:32] Can we do that?

[44:34] What does that even mean?

[44:36] Is the Tommy Gunn going to show up?

[44:38] It's a holodeck, yeah.

[44:40] A Tommy Gunn or, you know, Sherlock Holmes or something.

[44:44] We're on an adventure.

[44:46] Yeah, we're adventuring.

[44:48] By the way, do not start up the holodeck because Moriarty is going to figure out some way of

[44:53] getting you off the holodeck.

[44:54] Oh, becoming real.

[44:55] And ruining everything.

[44:56] Oh, man.

[44:58] What does it mean?

[45:00] I don't know what you're asking.

[45:03] Stuart wants someone to build us a Night Court set.

[45:07] And we would get some old Night Court scripts, I think.

[45:10] And we would just live inside Night Court.

[45:12] That sounds good.

[45:13] Forever.

[45:14] That was good.

[45:15] Oh, man.

[45:16] I needed that one.

[45:17] So, to sum up.

[45:18] Nice, Night Court.

[45:19] This one's for you.

[45:20] To sum up, our new tagline is, kind of like Night Court.

[45:24] Wish it was Night Court.

[45:26] Yeah.

[45:27] Anyway.

[45:28] Wait.

[45:29] Do you do magic?

[45:32] I don't, but I could learn it if it meant I could be Judge Harry.

[45:35] Yeah, yeah.

[45:36] I like Meltor Mage.

[45:38] Meltor Mage is past.

[45:40] We could get him on the Flophouse.

[45:42] He'd just like Night Court.

[45:43] Oh, yeah.

[45:44] Because he was often on Night Court.

[45:46] He guessed it a few times.

[45:47] Anyway, this one's called.

[45:49] This letter is called.

[45:50] I bet we could get Yakov Shmirnov.

[45:52] We probably could get, what's-her-face.

[45:55] Marky Post?

[45:57] Marky Post.

[45:59] You know, if we got a grand together.

[46:02] If we scraped a grand together, we could probably get Marky Post.

[46:05] Yeah, but I want to pay for Cinderella to play at my 30th birthday.

[46:09] So, that's where my grand's going.

[46:13] Okay.

[46:14] Anyway, this second and last letter is.

[46:17] Ooh, I like the mailbag.

[46:19] It's called, Dan the Memorable Man.

[46:21] It's from Brian.

[46:22] Oh, so it's fiction.

[46:23] Oh!

[46:24] Brian, last name withheld.

[46:26] In case you didn't hear it, that was me and Stuart high-fiving.

[46:29] While I think that three overexcited personalities would crowd the show far too much,

[46:33] there's probably plenty of ways for Dan to stand out among the crowd of two.

[46:38] Perhaps instead of doing the bumper in the middle of the show as a straight plug,

[46:45] Dan could sing a little ditty that summarizes the movie in a humorous way.

[46:49] Sure, I'd stop listening immediately, but I'd never forget the name of Dan,

[46:53] the man who ruined his own podcast.

[46:56] By the way, it was fantastic that Dan was trying to talk about how he doesn't stand out

[47:00] compared to Stuart and Elliot,

[47:02] and he was constantly being drowned out by those two being very Steward-y and Elliot-y.

[47:07] That's a hard word to say.

[47:08] Elliot-y?

[47:09] Elliot-y.

[47:10] Elliot-y.

[47:11] Yeah, that's me and the Himalayas.

[47:14] Sometimes the man making the magic just can't get attention behind the flashy assistance.

[47:19] Anyway, I for one am glad that at least two of the floppers don't talk about their junk most episodes.

[47:24] Oh, my God!

[47:26] You guys talk about my junk way more.

[47:30] Anyway, so that was a very pleasant email.

[47:34] I accept that critique.

[47:36] Fine.

[47:37] That's very big of you, Stuart.

[47:40] I will not rise to your challenge.

[47:44] Man, so there's a lot of ins and outs to that joke.

[47:48] Oh, man.

[47:49] The point of this is, yes, you've got some prizes for the Give Dan a Hook contest.

[47:56] Some surprises.

[47:58] No, they're not surprises.

[48:00] Well, it's a surprise to the listeners because they don't know what it is.

[48:02] But not to you.

[48:03] Not to me. I know what it is.

[48:04] Okay, cool.

[48:05] But I think we should give them one more show to get some entries in

[48:08] since we just are announcing officially that we have the prizes now.

[48:12] Yeah.

[48:13] And why don't you explain the prizes?

[48:15] These prizes are, this is a very rare and hard to find thing.

[48:22] Okay.

[48:23] It fits in a box.

[48:24] Okay.

[48:27] Okay, in the form of a riddle.

[48:29] All right.

[48:30] I live under a tree.

[48:32] Can you see me?

[48:34] This is a friend of mine, John Ott, former roommate from the years at college

[48:40] back at our old alma mater, New York University, wrote and directed

[48:46] and produced a short horror film called Stull that he, for the DVD release of,

[48:53] had us Flophouse guys do an alternate audio track for doing commentary on his film.

[48:59] Like a Riff Trax.

[49:01] Kind of like a Riff Trax, exactly, yeah.

[49:03] But not legally in a way that could be sued.

[49:07] Oh, so we can't get sued for that.

[49:09] Can't get sued.

[49:10] We were asked to do it by the person who owns the rights to the film.

[49:12] Yeah.

[49:13] And he has donated to us a couple DVDs of that film, including our commentary.

[49:21] So, for the Flophouse fans out there.

[49:23] That's awesome.

[49:24] One, it's a pretty entertaining short film.

[49:26] But also, for the Flophouse fans, this is rare and exclusive Flophouse material.

[49:32] Yeah.

[49:33] Not available anywhere else.

[49:35] It's like sitting with us while we're watching the movie

[49:37] rather than trying to imagine what that must have been like while listening to the podcast

[49:42] after we've seen the movie.

[49:43] And for the completist, it's a must.

[49:46] For the Flophouse completist.

[49:48] And if you don't win the contest, you can still buy the DVDs

[49:52] at a URL that I should have looked up before.

[49:56] I'll put it on the website.

[49:57] Ah, good idea.

[50:00] Speaking of the website, I just want to briefly take a moment to say, I apologize that there

[50:09] have not been Movie Minutes recently.

[50:13] And there's been some stuff we can talk about from Movie Minutes.

[50:15] There has been stuff we can talk about, but basically, I have been getting busier and

[50:19] busier lately, and so since I do most of the Movie Minutes on my own, I just haven't had

[50:26] time to sit down and do it when it's just me.

[50:29] So I think that going forward, because I don't believe that the Flophouse fan is a

[50:34] big fan necessarily of the Movie Minute in particular.

[50:38] They like the main episodes.

[50:41] I will still try and put out Movie Minutes occasionally when we are all together and

[50:45] we've recorded something, like an extra letters thing, or we have a subject that we want to

[50:49] talk about, but in terms of just there being a separate Movie Minute, that may not be happening

[50:55] anymore.

[50:57] Well, we appreciate all the hard work you've been putting into this and, you know, now

[51:01] that you're...

[51:02] It really shows, though, man.

[51:03] You're looking good.

[51:04] Thanks, buddy.

[51:05] And we will try not to let it affect your evaluation at the end of the month.

[51:10] Oh, wow.

[51:11] Yeah.

[51:12] Geez.

[51:13] Bringing the room down.

[51:14] Okay.

[51:15] So are we done here?

[51:16] What's...

[51:17] Well, we've got to write some more.

[51:18] Oh, right.

[51:19] Stuart, do you have one?

[51:20] Yeah.

[51:21] I'm going to recommend a movie that we all watched together for fun.

[51:24] Remember guys?

[51:25] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[51:27] We didn't record anything afterwards?

[51:28] No, no.

[51:29] Well done.

[51:30] For pleasure.

[51:31] We sat around in my living room and watched a Blu-ray copy of...

[51:36] As if nobody's got Blu-ray.

[51:39] A Blu-ray copy of House of the Devil, which was a recently released throwback-style horror

[51:48] movie directed by Ty West.

[51:51] And it's for anybody who likes horror movies, specifically horror movies that take a little

[51:59] bit of time and encourage, or are a little bit patient, and are more about atmosphere

[52:06] than anything else, I totally recommend it for you.

[52:09] It's very good.

[52:10] Go check it out.

[52:12] So that was mine.

[52:13] I watched recently World's Greatest Dad, the film directed by Bobcat Goldthwait.

[52:19] Oh, is that...

[52:20] Did they release that on DVD?

[52:21] Yeah.

[52:22] You can watch it on Netflix streaming now if you want to watch instantly.

[52:29] Should we?

[52:30] Is this an actual recommendation?

[52:31] Yeah, no.

[52:32] I'm recommending.

[52:33] That's what I'm recommending.

[52:34] So you're recommending that we watch it.

[52:35] Okay.

[52:36] Okay.

[52:37] It stars Robin Williams in a not-irritating performance, and it's about a guy who has

[52:43] a horrible, horrible, unpleasant son who kills himself accidentally during an act of autoerotic

[52:49] asphyxiation, and his father, who is a failed writer, covers this up, writes a suicide note,

[52:59] and then after the fact, the son sort of becomes deified at the school a little bit.

[53:08] People think, they look at the suicide note and think, okay, this kid was deep, and it's

[53:12] about how we have this tendency to make the dead into saints.

[53:17] It's about what it means to be a good parent.

[53:22] It's not like a hilarious movie, but it's a good satire, and it keeps it very human-sized.

[53:28] Robin Williams' character does horrible things, but each incremental step, it makes sense,

[53:34] and then it doesn't get way out of crazy whack.

[53:39] It's not a satire that we're...

[53:41] Crazy whack?

[53:42] It's not like a satire where it goes to the extreme.

[53:46] I feel like most movies would want to make it really big, where all of a sudden the kid's

[53:52] fake writings sweep the nation, and it's the number one bestseller, and then there has

[53:56] to be a big nationwide denouement, and it doesn't get that crazy.

[54:01] That would be extreme crazy whack.

[54:03] Yeah.

[54:04] Okay.

[54:05] All right.

[54:06] Well, since my...

[54:07] In the Dan-tionary, under extreme crazy whack, that's what it would show.

[54:09] has been totally discounted by my choice of words, I will pass it along to Elliot for

[54:16] his recommendation.

[54:17] Do we have to get in our time machines for this one, Elliot, to go back in time?

[54:23] I don't know why you would need to go.

[54:25] Well, you might, actually, because the movie I'm going to recommend is one that's kind

[54:29] of hard to see.

[54:30] It's more of a...

[54:31] Well, it's more of a movie, like, if it's playing near you, you should take the opportunity

[54:34] to go see it.

[54:36] I don't think it's been mentioned before.

[54:38] It's called The Devil and Miss Jones.

[54:40] It's called Behind the Green Door.

[54:42] As far as the Dove soap girl.

[54:45] But it's a movie called Los Angeles Plays Itself, which is a documentary about the way

[54:51] Los Angeles has been portrayed in film, through film history, and kind of what you would think

[54:57] about Los Angeles if you watched only movies, and then it slowly kind of becomes a documentary

[55:02] about the ways different kinds of films tell different stories, and the types of stories

[55:08] about Los Angeles that don't get told, about the people who live there who aren't rich,

[55:12] white movie stars, and kind of the city itself, and misconceptions about it.

[55:17] It's a really good documentary.

[55:20] Unfortunately, it's made up almost entirely of scenes from other films, and because the

[55:25] director and producer, who I think is the same guy, doesn't have the rights to this,

[55:32] I think it's only, he's only allowed to show it, I think, if there's a screening that he's

[55:37] at, I believe.

[55:38] He has permission to show it.

[55:40] So it's one of those things where if it's coming to the city you live in, and it's playing

[55:44] it like a revival house or an art house, it's very much worth going to see.

[55:47] And it's a very in-depth documentary.

[55:50] It's long, but it's a lot of fun, and it's neat to, you really think about the movies

[55:54] differently.

[55:55] There's a lot of scenes from movies like, you know, Blade, Trinity, and things like

[55:58] that where you start to think about the backgrounds of these shots, and the buildings that are

[56:03] in them, and it's, you know, not that Wesley Snipes is jumping through a window or something

[56:07] like that.

[56:08] And it was very good.

[56:09] I thought it was a very well-made film.

[56:11] But it's kind of hard to find.

[56:13] You have to seek it out, you know.

[56:15] So Elliot recommends a movie that we can't see, and I recommend a film where I say two

[56:23] strange words.

[56:24] You can literally watch instantly, right now.

[56:27] Anyway.

[56:28] I want to find Elliot's movie.

[56:30] Yeah, sure.

[56:32] So, I think that's it, guys.

[56:34] Sweet.

[56:35] I think that we've learned a truth tonight.

[56:37] Now it's time to say goodbye.

[56:38] An ugly truth?

[56:39] An ugly truth.

[56:40] Hmm.

[56:41] I wish it was called Ugly T. Ruth.

[56:43] It was about a woman named Tammy Ruth, who's really ugly and has to, like, get a, you know,

[56:49] that's her problem.

[56:50] Okay, take it one step further, the Snuggly T. Ruth.

[56:53] What about the Ugly T. R. Ooth.

[56:56] Tyrannosaurus Rex Ooth.

[56:58] I don't know what Ooth means.

[56:59] That's what the viewer has to find out.

[57:01] It's from a different dimension where Earth is called Ooth.

[57:05] Tyrannosaurus Rex Ooth is his name?

[57:09] Yeah, but they call him Ooth because he's from that different place.

[57:14] The Snuggly T. R. Ooth.

[57:16] We're going to hash out these.

[57:18] He's covered in fur because dinosaurs from that.

[57:20] In that dimension, yeah.

[57:22] We'll hash out these pun-related movie pitches off-air, but until then, I've been Dan McCoy.

[57:28] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[57:30] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin long after this is over.

[57:33] Good night.

[57:34] Okay, so what color of fur would he have?

[57:36] Brown.

[57:37] Brown fur?

[57:38] He looks like a teddy bear.

[57:45] Oh, man, that's like a competition.

[57:47] You know what I'm talking about, right, Dan?

[57:49] Sex competitions.

[57:51] The Sex Olympics.

[57:53] I think they're holding those games in Bangkok this year.

[57:58] Elliot O, you sly fox.

[58:01] Slylock Fox.

[58:03] And Max Mouse.

[58:05] Those two get up into so many scrapes.

[58:08] They certainly do scrape.

[58:10] Mainly puzzles and mazes, though, yeah.

[58:12] Yeah, and find-a-things.

[58:14] I'm not very good at the find-a-things part.

[58:16] I never can find-a-things.

[58:18] That's rule one.

[58:21] First rule of find-a-things is to always be finding things.

[58:25] That's actually the ABCs of find-a-things.

The Flop House: Episode #55 - The Ugly Truth

Transcript

Description