The Flop House: Episode #55 - The Ugly Truth

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Gerard Butler Month continues. We discuss the ugly truth.

Stuart Wellington

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalin. We're all back together again. Like the Muppets. The original Peaches. Hey, guys. Hey. Hey, Stuart. I don't know if you guys knew this. I see you there. Hey, guys. Yeah, you guys. You too. Yeah, all the other people in the room. Yeah, you guys. I don't know if you guys know this, but I'm turning

[0:59] I'm turning 30 next week. Whoa. 30 years of old? Yeah, 30 years of age. 30 years young. So what do you think my range is of like girls you can get or like roles you can play as an actor? We'll talk about girls I can get later. Let's talk about roles I can play. Okay. You could be like the best friend. You could be like the dumb thug. No, no, no. The range of ages. Like the jock who doesn't know how to do math. I would say you could play anywhere. Like the moose character? Yeah. I can see where

Dan McCoy

[1:29] between 29 and 38. Okay. That's a little rough. I think you could play easily from 35 to 55. No, I think you could probably play a college student. Do you think I could play 13 going on 30? Are you auditioning for a role? You could play a college student who had maybe like deliberately failed a couple times.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54] Like that guy who was at the University of Wisconsin who had been in school for 13 years, like that kind of guy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58] Sure.

[1:59] You don't think I can put a baseball cap on backwards, and you'd be like, oh, Timmy, he's my high school brother.

[2:04] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] You could put a beanie on, and we'd think you're 13.

Stuart Wellington

[2:07] Yeah, and I'll be listening to headphones and playing with my swatch.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10] Maybe if you hold a giant lollipop.

[2:12] Oh.

[2:13] That's what teenagers do, right?

[2:15] Yeah.

[2:16] It's very big among the teens now.

Dan McCoy

[2:18] I do have to go with Elliot on this and ask why you care.

Stuart Wellington

[2:23] I don't know.

[2:24] It's a milestone, right?

[2:25] It's a milestone in a young man's life.

[2:27] Well, I was a little glum when it happened to me.

[2:29] It's like the first nocturnal omission.

[2:32] Yeah.

[2:32] It's one of those things you remember for the rest of your days.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] Well, you really shouldn't.

[2:37] I mean, you remember the aftermath.

[2:39] You don't remember the actual event.

Stuart Wellington

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:41] No, I mean I had it on video.

Elliott Kalan

[2:43] Oh, I see.

Stuart Wellington

[2:45] Yeah, I was looking for paranormal activities.

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] It would be a very different type of movie if they set it up looking for a ghost, and it just turns out

[2:53] he's coming in his sleep.

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] Yeah.

[2:55] Mm-hmm.

[2:56] And it wouldn't be that noticeable either.

[2:59] I mean, I might wiggle around a little bit.

[3:00] It's not like it sprays out like a firehose or something.

Elliott Kalan

[3:03] Maybe if Zalman King had produced paranormal activity.

[3:06] Paranormal emissions?

[3:07] Is that what you're saying?

Stuart Wellington

[3:09] Wait.

[3:10] There would be more special effects?

[3:12] Or it would just be more sexual nature?

[3:14] Just more sexual nature.

[3:15] Oh, that makes more sense.

[3:16] Hey, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] I mean, Zalman King would have access to greater special effects and production resources.

Dan McCoy

[3:21] Yeah, I mean, he's got a lot of funding out there.

[3:23] Stuart, did you know that a mutual friend of ours, his father, directed some of the Red Shoe Diaries?

[3:29] I didn't know that.

[3:31] That's pretty hot.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] Yeah.

[3:33] It sounds like we're really invested in the film that we saw tonight.

[3:36] The Red Shoe Diaries?

[3:37] Oh, yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[3:38] Yeah, the movie version of the Red Shoe Diaries.

[3:41] No, we saw it tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[3:42] Well, they do.

[3:43] They have those compilations of episodes that they sell on tape.

[3:46] Yeah.

[3:46] And they just cut out the ending credits, so you think that it's a movie.

[3:49] You cut out David Duchovny.

[3:50] Yeah, it's called a mash-em-up.

Dan McCoy

[3:52] Is it?

[3:53] Yeah, it's a mash-em-up.

[3:55] It's the Red Shoe Diaries visuals, but the audio is actually Milkshake by Kellis.

[4:02] Sure.

[4:05] Kellis?

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] I think Kellis, isn't that it?

[4:07] I don't know who did that song.

[4:08] Yeah.

[4:09] Sounds like an ancient Scottish warrior.

Stuart Wellington

[4:10] I'll have to check my iPod.

[4:12] You're thinking of the Book of Kellis.

[4:14] Yeah, that's right, the Book of Kellis.

[4:15] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[4:16] The movie we watched tonight fights Bran McMoran, if I remember.

[4:20] All right, guys, settle down.

[4:22] The film was The Ugly Truth.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] Now, it seems there are two kinds of truths, ugly and beautiful.

[4:27] Guess which one this movie was about.

Dan McCoy

[4:30] Well, there's also The Awful Truth, which this movie was not.

[4:33] Don't confuse this film with the classic Irene Dunn, Cary Grant screwball comedy.

[4:37] That's a very funny movie.

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:39] Also has a hilarious dog in it.

[4:42] Who's well known from the Thin Man movies.

[4:45] Yep.

[4:45] That's not like this film.

[4:47] This is the only time that Elliot is not interested in talking about the Thin Man.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] You're right.

[4:51] This movie did not have in it the dog from the Thin Man movies, who would be over 70 human

[4:56] years old, which would make him 500 dog years.

[5:00] That would be a great movie.

[5:01] I do not like it.

[5:02] You just made me think about how the beloved Asta from the Thin Man movies has been dead

[5:07] for decades.

[5:08] But think about it.

Dan McCoy

[5:09] If Asta was alive, think about the great documentary you would have just watched on the world's

[5:13] oldest dog.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] It would be like a cyber dog.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] But it's the same way that if you watch a silent movie and there's a little kid in it, it's

[5:21] like, oh, that kid's probably dead now.

[5:23] That's sad.

[5:24] Yeah.

[5:25] Unless you hate kids like me.

[5:26] And then it's like, oh, good.

Stuart Wellington

[5:27] I'm glad that kid is dead.

[5:30] Man.

[5:30] Like Mickey Rooney, right?

[5:32] No, he's still alive.

[5:33] Yeah, but he hated kids, right?

Dan McCoy

[5:35] Did he?

[5:35] He wished they were all dead.

[5:37] I don't know this.

[5:38] I read that in a Mad Magazine somewhere.

[5:41] So getting back to the film, this film starred Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler.

[5:49] And it was a romantic comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[5:52] That was neither romantic nor funny.

[5:54] Really?

[5:54] It managed to miss out on both of those.

[5:56] Stuart, let's address those two points.

[5:57] Stuart, you know a lot about romance.

Stuart Wellington

[5:58] I do know a lot about romance.

[6:00] Stuart, you're the Casanova of the group.

[6:02] Okay, well, let's see.

[6:05] What would have made it romantic?

[6:07] Whoa, you just turned it right back around.

[6:09] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[6:10] No, but I mean, what am I looking for if I'm going to try and qualify how romantic it is?

[6:14] Should we talk about what this movie was about?

[6:17] There was intense sex in the movie.

[6:18] There was not intense sex.

Elliott Kalan

[6:20] You took that description from the Wikipedia plot summary of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[6:25] Are you claiming I didn't watch the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[6:26] I know you watched it.

[6:27] I was right there next to you.

[6:29] We were all in the same room.

[6:29] We were all watching it.

[6:30] Yeah.

[6:31] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[6:31] I mean, you spent more time on your iPhone than the other people in the room.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] Certainly by your standards, Stuart, that sex was not intense.

[6:38] Okay.

[6:39] I have to believe.

[6:39] So...

[6:40] Unless your many stories are tall tales.

[6:43] Myths, if you will.

[6:44] Unless you're just a yarn spinner.

Stuart Wellington

[6:46] Sure.

[6:47] Well, I'm not that.

[6:50] Let's see.

[6:51] I'm not a yarn spinner.

[6:53] Let's not...

[6:54] Yeah, well, there's intense sex in the movie.

[6:57] Hear me out, guys.

[6:58] Hear me out.

[7:00] There's at least one intense makeout that might have led to intense sex, except, you know,

[7:05] there was problems.

[7:07] There is romantic complications.

[7:09] Well, there's a scene...

[7:09] And there was one dancing scene.

[7:11] And there's a scene of a woman wearing...

[7:13] Just like the scene from Romancing the Stone.

Elliott Kalan

[7:15] A scene where a woman wears vibrating underpants.

Stuart Wellington

[7:17] Oh.

[7:18] Don't forget about that.

[7:18] Is that romantic or more comedic?

[7:20] Or is it...

Elliott Kalan

[7:21] I mean, it was meant to be comedic, but it was neither, so I was being nice by calling it

[7:25] romantic.

[7:25] Okay.

[7:26] I was just putting it in the sex category.

[7:27] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[7:29] Is it possible for something to be both funny and romantic at the same time, Elliot?

[7:32] Yes.

[7:33] Give me an example.

[7:34] A movie like The Thin Man.

[7:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[7:36] Or, you know...

[7:37] A movie...

[7:37] It's possible for things to be funny and erotic at the same time.

Stuart Wellington

[7:39] A movie that I've seen at all.

[7:43] I don't know what movies you haven't seen.

[7:45] How about...

Dan McCoy

[7:46] How about the aforementioned Romancing the Stone?

[7:48] How about Love Actually?

Elliott Kalan

[7:50] A movie like Annie Hall is funny and romantic at times, even though the characters don't

[7:54] end up together.

[7:54] Spoiler alert.

Stuart Wellington

[7:55] How about The Truth About Cats and Dogs?

Elliott Kalan

[7:58] If you think it's funny and romantic, then go ahead.

Dan McCoy

[8:01] I'm just listing movies.

[8:03] Yeah, you're just drawing films from your own wealth.

[8:05] What about Time Bands?

Stuart Wellington

[8:07] Waiting to Exhale.

Dan McCoy

[8:10] Yeah.

[8:11] What about Silverado?

[8:13] Dead presidents.

[8:15] So this film, it was 90 minutes long.

[8:19] It was 96 minutes long.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] I'm surprised you guys haven't summarized a movie yet.

Elliott Kalan

[8:22] Well, we can do that.

[8:23] Yeah, Elliot, why don't you take it?

[8:24] Katherine Heigl is the director slash producer slash boss, I guess.

[8:30] Wait a minute.

Dan McCoy

[8:30] This is about slash fiction?

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] No, do not listen.

[8:34] Nobody listening think about slash fiction.

[8:36] We've had bad experiences with it.

Dan McCoy

[8:38] Yeah, well, can I just take a second to say we thought we could handle the slash fiction,

[8:48] but the one piece of slash fiction that we got, it was like the ending of Itou Mama Tambian.

[8:55] Good pronunciation, dude.

[8:56] Good pronunciation, dude.

[8:57] Once they have the three-way and the two young men have a sexual experience with one another,

[9:03] That's what happened?

[9:04] They could not be friends anymore.

[9:06] Spoiler alert.

[9:07] And much in the same way, just reading a slash fiction piece with the three of us.

[9:13] We couldn't be lovers anymore, right?

[9:14] It was awkward.

Elliott Kalan

[9:15] Our sexual relationship had to end.

[9:17] Yeah.

[9:18] Strictly business from now on, guys.

[9:20] Yeah, strictly ballroom from now on.

[9:22] So anyway, back to the...

[9:23] All right, back to the half a sentence that I had gotten to.

[9:27] Katherine Heigl is the director of a morning television show in Sacramento,

[9:31] which apparently is doing poorly in the ratings.

[9:33] She is also a prude and a control freak.

[9:36] She has trouble with men.

[9:38] So in an effort to spice up the show, they bring on local cable access star...

[9:43] What was his name?

[9:43] Chase Manoway?

Stuart Wellington

[9:45] Mike Chadway.

Elliott Kalan

[9:47] Mike Chadway.

[9:49] Mike Chadway, Gerard Butler of Gamer, who is like a man show type.

[9:56] He is what guys like girls with big tits.

[9:59] So hey, get your boobs, big girls.

Dan McCoy

[10:00] I think he actually shadowed Adam Carolla for this role.

[10:05] This is not a joke.

[10:06] He...

[10:07] Oh, really?

[10:07] For real?

[10:08] Yeah.

[10:08] That was his...

[10:09] Well, I'm glad it wasn't a joke, Dan.

[10:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:12] Because it was shockingly not funny.

Dan McCoy

[10:15] Like anything else involving Adam Carolla, it was not that funny.

[10:17] It was not that funny.

[10:18] Oh!

[10:19] Hey!

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] Take that Carolla.

[10:21] Yeah, you deflected my attack.

[10:22] Are you man enough to respond to Dan Zing?

[10:25] So Gerard...

[10:26] I just never heard of us.

[10:27] So anyway, they bring Gerard Butler in.

[10:29] He immediately starts causing trouble.

Stuart Wellington

[10:30] That's the fellow from the 300 film, yes?

[10:33] Yes.

[10:33] The 300 film, yes.

Elliott Kalan

[10:34] Sorry.

[10:34] Did you say...

[10:35] Did you say meow, yes?

[10:39] Meowby?

[10:41] So Gerard Butler, the ratings start going up as he brings his no-nonsense style of romantic

[10:46] advice to the show.

[10:48] Katherine Heigl disapproves of it until she suddenly stops, kind of, because he starts giving her

[10:53] relationship advice.

[10:54] And it works!

[10:55] And it works so that she can attract Colin, the blandly handsome doctor who lives across...

[11:01] The living Ken doll.

[11:02] Across the apartment building from her.

[11:04] Yeah.

[11:04] He's really in shape, though.

[11:06] He's in very good shape, and they meet by her seeing his penis.

[11:10] And he's a doctor, right?

Stuart Wellington

[11:11] And she's seeing his penis, so she has kind of an idea of what she's in for.

[11:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:15] Yeah.

[11:15] And he wears a tremendous series of fleece pullovers.

Elliott Kalan

[11:18] I was convinced that the end...

[11:21] The...

[11:22] What?

[11:23] I'm trying to think of the plot twist would be that he was gay.

[11:26] I was convinced, because he was so fit and, like, well-dressed, you know.

[11:30] Which just shows how...

[11:31] Stereotyping.

[11:31] Exactly.

[11:32] I'm a bigot, I guess.

[11:33] But anyway, long story short, because the movie is terrible, they go through a bunch of

[11:39] hilarious situations.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] A lot of scenes of mumbling and whispering.

Elliott Kalan

[11:43] There's a lot of long-talking scenes that are boring.

[11:46] There are a lot of comedy scenes that are also boring, where Katherine Heigl screws things

[11:50] up.

[11:50] Like, they have the basic scenes you expect.

[11:53] Like, there's the scene where he's got...

[11:55] She's got a mic in her ear so that he can...

[11:57] Gerard Butler can feed lines to her that she can use on Colin.

[12:00] Like Cyrano.

[12:01] But then he starts saying things to other situations, and she repeats it, and it's inappropriate.

[12:06] What are you gonna do?

[12:07] Or, like, the scene where...

Stuart Wellington

[12:08] And that ends in a everybody thinks she's giving him a handjob moment.

[12:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:13] Or the scene where she is at a work meeting, but there's something embarrassing that happens

[12:19] that causes her to orgasm at the table, you know?

[12:22] Mm-hmm.

[12:22] It's all stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[12:23] Well, the something that happens are the pair of vibrating panties that she intentionally

[12:27] puts on.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] That she intentionally puts on.

[12:28] She's going on a date with Colin.

[12:30] He sends her a text message that says, running late.

[12:32] So she's like, man, how am I gonna kill the minutes that I'm gonna wait for him?

Dan McCoy

[12:36] I know.

[12:36] I'll put on a pair of vibrating panties.

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] Well, all right.

[12:39] But as long as we're gonna get in...

[12:40] That she just got in the mail.

[12:42] Yeah, as long as we're gonna get in...

Stuart Wellington

[12:43] That happens, dude.

[12:44] That happens sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[12:46] That didn't...

[12:46] It's still stupid of her to say, like, well, I can probably come and then put these away

[12:51] before he gets here, so...

Dan McCoy

[12:52] But as long as we're getting into this, since it probably is the comic set piece of the

[12:56] film...

[12:57] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[12:57] Which is not saying much for the film.

Dan McCoy

[12:59] Did not Gerard Butler give her these vibrating panties?

[13:02] Did not.

Elliott Kalan

[13:03] Yes, Hamlet.

Stuart Wellington

[13:05] I believe Gerard Butler be the rogue that bestoweth the...

[13:10] The difference in this case, though, is that Gerard Butler's character is significantly more

[13:15] of an active protagonist than Hamlet ever was.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] Oh, a very astute point, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[13:20] But at this point in the film, she and Gerard Butler are ostensibly still a bit at each other's

[13:27] throats, like it's a marriage of convenience.

[13:29] They're friends.

[13:29] He's helping her out.

[13:30] Right.

[13:31] But she, you know, she's not totally on board.

[13:35] She's like, okay, this guy...

Stuart Wellington

[13:36] And what woman can resist vibrating panties?

[13:38] I have not met this woman, sir.

[13:43] Bring her before me.

Dan McCoy

[13:44] Everything we've seen in this movie before this leads me to believe that Katherine Heigl's

[13:48] character, upon receiving vibrating panties from Gerard Butler, would toss them in the garbage.

Elliott Kalan

[13:54] Roll her eyes and say, oh man, Gerard Butler.

[13:59] This is the moment she's been fighting against his advice to loosen up.

[14:02] This is the moment we're in.

[14:03] She has a moment of doubt, as we would say, where she says, maybe he's right.

[14:07] Maybe I should loosen up.

[14:08] I should give these a go.

Dan McCoy

[14:09] Maybe I should loosen my vagina up via these vibrating panties.

[14:13] That's what happened?

Elliott Kalan

[14:14] Daniel.

[14:15] This is a family recording.

[14:17] No, it has never been.

[14:18] There are people listening to this while they make dinner.

[14:20] Yeah.

[14:21] Well, that's true.

Stuart Wellington

[14:22] I mean, you kept commenting on how the vibrating panties were black and her dress was white,

[14:27] so it would be obvious that she...

[14:29] You'd see it through.

[14:30] It's just bad dressing.

Dan McCoy

[14:31] As style goes, you know.

[14:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:33] But anyway, so...

[14:34] You don't want visible panty lines when you're going out on a date with Colin.

[14:37] You have a bunch of...

[14:38] Yeah, but it's kind of hot, because then you know, you can see their panties, right?

Dan McCoy

[14:42] Anyway, they...

[14:43] Stuart knows the ugly truth about men.

Elliott Kalan

[14:45] She didn't realize that there was a corporate dinner with the guys from corporate that night.

[14:50] So it's a mix-em-up?

[14:50] So she ends up at this dinner with the guys from corporate.

[14:54] The remote control for the panties falls out of her purse, and a child picks them up.

Stuart Wellington

[14:58] But it falls out of her purse when she kicks Gerard Butler for saying something misogynistic.

[15:03] Yeah.

[15:03] So it's like her getting, like, served.

[15:06] It's her comeuppance.

[15:07] Yeah, for being such a shrewd.

Elliott Kalan

[15:09] Anyway, long story short again, during a whirlwind trip to Los Angeles,

[15:13] where Gerard Butler's appearing on the Craig Ferguson show.

[15:16] Wait, THE Craig Ferguson show?

[15:19] They got the...

[15:19] The late, late show.

[15:20] The late, late show with Craig Ferguson.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] Surely it was a Craig Ferguson look-alike.

[15:23] No, you would be wrong there.

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] They got THE Craig Ferguson.

[15:26] Wait, is that that Irish guy?

[15:28] No, actually Scottish.

[15:29] Okay.

[15:30] The only joke I laughed at in the whole movie was the one where Katherine Heigl is trying

[15:34] to prep Gerard Butler for what the show's going to be like and tries to do a Scottish accent.

[15:38] It sounds Irish.

[15:39] And Gerard Butler goes, okay, well, Irish...

[15:42] Craig Ferguson.

[15:43] Craig Ferguson.

[15:44] I want to say Scott Ferguson for some reason.

[15:46] And that was the only joke where I was like, ah, that's kind of funny because people get

[15:50] Irish and Scottish accents mixed up.

Dan McCoy

[15:53] Well, it's also kind of funny because Gerard Butler, he's an English guy, right?

[15:57] I think he's Scottish.

[15:58] Scottish.

[15:59] So it seemed like that came from a place of reality within Gerard Butler.

[16:03] Yeah.

[16:04] Like maybe he improvised that semi...

[16:07] That was one of Gerard Butler's famous on-set ad-libs.

Stuart Wellington

[16:09] And the best kind of joke is the one that we can sit around and discuss why it was really funny.

Elliott Kalan

[16:14] Yes.

[16:14] And that requires a knowledge of the home countries of late night talk show hosts.

Stuart Wellington

[16:19] And the actors starring in The Ugly Truth.

[16:22] Clearly you listeners at home know I'm making a joke.

[16:25] The best kind of jokes are actually the ones that involve kicking somebody in the crotch,

[16:30] ding-dong sound effects, or boobs bouncing out of a chick's shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[16:34] Really, farts didn't make it on the list.

Stuart Wellington

[16:36] They're fourth.

[16:37] Ding-dong sound effect.

[16:38] They got kicked out by the ding-dong sound effect.

[16:40] I'm really a big fan.

Dan McCoy

[16:41] Ding-dong sound effect.

[16:42] Like a doorbell or like a spring?

[16:45] That's a boiler line.

[16:46] Yeah.

[16:47] What are you talking about?

[16:47] I don't know.

[16:49] See?

Elliott Kalan

[16:50] Ding-dong.

[16:51] It's way funnier now.

[16:52] Yeah.

[16:52] Okay.

[16:52] I agree.

[16:53] I'm with Stuart on this one.

[16:54] Okay.

[16:55] So long story short, on this whirlwind trip, they dance with each other.

Stuart Wellington

[17:00] They have a moment of passion.

[17:01] Like in Romancing the Stone.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] Yes.

[17:03] They have a moment of passion, which is interrupted.

[17:05] And then blah, blah, blah.

[17:07] Gerard Butler leaves the station because she's staying with Colin.

[17:11] Well, he thinks that she's staying with Colin.

[17:13] He thinks she's staying at Colin, but she actually breaks up with Colin.

[17:15] And then they meet up again at a hot air balloon festival.

[17:20] Fuck off.

[17:21] You were watching it.

[17:23] That's what happens.

[17:23] Really?

[17:23] And he admits his love for her on live television and everything's okay.

[17:29] Who was filming it?

[17:30] There's a camera set up in the basket of the hot air balloon.

[17:34] A local fucking place has a camera in a balloon.

[17:36] Which the station puts on a live feed to capture the private moments that they have.

[17:42] And then acts as if...

[17:43] Like in the Olympics?

[17:44] And then when they say crazy things...

[17:46] When they start swearing.

[17:47] And it's broadcast live, the producer on the network is like, uh-oh, here it comes.

[17:51] Oh, no.

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] And he looks over at the judge and the judge is like, I'll allow it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] But it's one of the things where it's like, they could cut away at any moment to the actual show they're supposed to be broadcasting.

Dan McCoy

[18:01] You just cut the feed.

[18:02] They don't need to...

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] And they lived happily ever after and they had intense sex at the end.

[18:06] They did.

[18:08] But it ends with Gerard Butler curiously not confident about his sexual performance.

Stuart Wellington

[18:13] Yeah, which is disappointing because up until this point, we, the viewers, believe that he is quite the stallion, if it were.

Dan McCoy

[18:21] But he's somewhat emasculated at the end of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[18:23] Because it proves, once again, that a woman's real power is in her ability to fake her orgasms.

[18:29] Whereas a dude can only fake an orgasm by blinding a woman and spitting on her.

Elliott Kalan

[18:33] Wow.

[18:34] What?

[18:35] What?

[18:36] Wait.

[18:37] There is also a brief moment.

[18:38] They replaced Gerard Butler.

[18:39] Wait, I didn't say that, did I?

[18:41] Gerard Butler leaves the station, so they replace him with a guy named, what was it?

[18:45] Chet Jackson?

[18:46] Jack Magnum?

[18:47] Jack Magnum.

Stuart Wellington

[18:48] Chet Jackson.

[18:50] It sounds like a relief pitcher.

Elliott Kalan

[18:54] They replaced him with a guy named Jack Magnum who starts saying, like, listen, it's this weird moment where he's like, I'm at the Hot Air Balloon Festival to tell you that men are full of hot air.

[19:06] But really what I'm going to say is women are liars.

[19:08] When they say no, they don't mean no.

[19:10] Just keep going.

[19:11] And it's like, it's.

Dan McCoy

[19:12] Yeah, and earlier on he said, I've had sex with 150 women, many of them conscious, or something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[19:17] Yeah, it was this very weird moment where it was suddenly like, oh my god, they put a rapist on television.

[19:22] And then that's swept aside for the romantic.

[19:24] Well, that's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[19:25] Like, I think they were trying to go for this guy's a creep, and instead they went way past that.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] It's weird because Gerard Butler's character is so relatively tame.

[19:35] He's supposed to be like the misogynistic perv, but really it's like there's nothing he says that you couldn't say on daytime television.

[19:42] Like, there's nothing out there or crazy about him.

[19:45] So his character doesn't work.

[19:47] But yeah, they try to replace him with.

Stuart Wellington

[19:48] Yeah, I mean, his character operates on like the Charlie Sheen and Two and a Half Men level.

[19:51] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[19:52] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[19:53] Not that I ever saw that.

Elliott Kalan

[19:54] But like.

[19:55] I heard.

[19:56] You're right.

[19:56] It's like they wanted to show like, really, he's not that bad a guy.

[19:59] So they went for a man who commits one of the worst crimes that exists.

Stuart Wellington

[20:03] Yeah.

[20:03] You know.

[20:04] And Katherine Heigl's character is this prude that is so far to the.

[20:08] I think that we're talking about how that's really the biggest problem with the movie is that it tries to go for this like old timey romantic comedy feel.

[20:16] But it doesn't make sense in this day and age where like you don't run into women that are that extremely like prudish.

[20:23] Like her character is so like weird.

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] If you do, they don't dress or act the way that she does.

[20:28] Like there's they're talking about.

[20:30] Well, also.

[20:31] You need to sex up your wardrobe.

[20:32] And she she's wearing like tight fitting jeans and a shirt that shows off her shape.

[20:36] Like she's not wearing prudish clothes when he says this.

[20:39] It's it's just a weird thing of like we got to make her look like she's really unsexy and doesn't have sex a lot.

[20:45] But it's Katherine Heigl.

[20:46] So we got to sex up this character, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[20:47] Yeah, we need some stuff to get the guy, you know, put the boyfriends in the seat next to their girlfriend.

Elliott Kalan

[20:51] They're going to be sitting through this movie.

[20:53] We got to give them some eye candy.

Stuart Wellington

[20:54] Maybe maybe they'll go because that guy was in The Gamer in the 300 movie.

[20:58] The Gamer.

[21:01] Starring Fred Savage.

Elliott Kalan

[21:03] It's the wizard.

Stuart Wellington

[21:05] But no, like, yeah, if if.

[21:06] He wasn't really the star.

[21:08] I mean, he was a supporting character.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] No, he was the star, but he wasn't the actual game player.

[21:11] He wasn't the wizard.

[21:12] Okay.

[21:13] He wasn't the title character, but he was the star of the film.

[21:14] I thought the star of the film was Mario from Super Mario 3.

[21:17] Well, that was the surprise star of the film.

[21:21] Everyone's first lipses.

[21:22] The surprise star was the Power Glove.

[21:22] The Power Glove was a cameo appearance.

[21:25] I wish in the credits it had said Power Glove himself.

Dan McCoy

[21:29] The younger version of hit indie singer Ginny Lewis was the star of that film.

[21:33] I don't know who that is.

[21:34] But, no, like, if you encounter someone that buttoned up.

[21:36] I'm going to assume I made a reference that I understood.

[21:38] Oh, Dan.

[21:40] Hilarious.

[21:41] You've done it again, McCoy.

[21:42] Hilarious, Dan.

[21:43] That's the real McCoy.

[21:45] That would be my segment on the show.

[21:48] But, no, but, yeah, if you met someone as buttoned down in modern life, as Katherine Heigl

[21:53] is in this film, the thing is, I feel like they would...

[21:55] Button up.

[21:56] Button up, yeah.

[21:57] Like, they would recognize that they had a problem themselves.

[22:01] They're like, yeah, you know, I'm just, you know, I just, you know, I'm a, I'm just

[22:05] not comfortable with my sexuality.

[22:06] And, like, they would be aware of that, and other people would be aware that that was

[22:09] weird.

[22:09] Where she's, like, presented, I feel like, as some sort of...

[22:13] Everywoman?

[22:14] Not, like, not like a norm.

[22:15] Like, they definitely make it clear that she's, like, a crazy control freak, but...

Elliott Kalan

[22:19] But in a way that where it's, like, it turns on and off when they need it to for the scenes.

[22:23] Right, and...

[22:24] It's not a well-written movie.

Dan McCoy

[22:25] Yeah, I mean, like, I feel like she's, like, borderline...

[22:28] She borderline has emotional problems, the way they depict her in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:32] And they don't, but they don't, like, portray her as being kind of, like, an outsider.

[22:36] She's not like, uh, that, uh, what, Angela Bettis' character in May.

[22:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:42] She's not building a lover out of the bits and pieces of men and women who have, uh, come

[22:47] on to her.

[22:48] Yeah, she's not doing that.

[22:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:50] Yeah.

[22:50] It's, but, uh, it's like, uh, it feels like she, they could have easily made a character

[22:55] who is a very successful woman in the world of television in directing, which in a lot

[22:59] of places is a male-dominated field.

[23:03] She's gotten there by kind of turning off her femininity and her sexuality.

[23:07] The kind of, I mean, they've made this movie a hundred times before, and now she has to

[23:10] blossom again.

[23:11] But they, she's never turned it off.

[23:13] Like, the character is just not, none of the characters are extreme enough for any of the

[23:16] jokes or situations to work.

[23:19] Yeah.

[23:19] They're all kind of middle of the road and bland.

[23:21] And, and Colin is the blandest of them all.

[23:23] Like, he's just, he is literally there to fill the space in the air or in the frame that

[23:29] a human body is needed to fill.

Stuart Wellington

[23:30] And it's strange because there's a million more people with, like, even just the slightest

[23:34] bit more charisma than that guy.

[23:36] Like, they could have put Paul Walker in this movie and the movie would have been way better.

[23:41] Yeah.

[23:41] I mean, almost any movie is better.

Dan McCoy

[23:42] He's a black, he's a black hole of charm, Paul Walker, and he would have improved The Ugly

[23:48] Truth.

[23:48] Yeah.

[23:50] I would like to talk about how vague this film is about, like, the problem with so many

[23:56] bad movies is their lack of specificity.

[23:58] And it was only three quarters away through the film that we realized what city this was

[24:05] supposed to be taking part.

Elliott Kalan

[24:07] Well, I think they naturally assumed the audience would recognize the famous landmarks and

[24:11] buildings of Sacramento, California.

[24:13] Yeah.

[24:14] A town that nobody has been to, even the people who live there.

Dan McCoy

[24:16] Well, we only learned it because my wife...

[24:18] Take that, capital of California.

[24:20] My wife yelled it from the other room.

[24:22] Because she looked it up on Wikipedia.

[24:24] Yeah.

[24:25] She had long gotten bored of the film and left, but she was, you know, consumed by the mystery

[24:31] of what the city could possibly be.

Elliott Kalan

[24:34] And she's the target audience.

[24:36] A lady with two X chromosomes.

[24:40] Really?

[24:40] A lady with, you know...

[24:41] No, that's just women.

Stuart Wellington

[24:42] You know...

[24:43] She's a lady with a husband who doesn't mind sitting down for the occasional movie.

[24:47] Yeah.

[24:47] Exactly.

[24:48] You know?

[24:49] So, yeah.

[24:49] Target demographic.

Dan McCoy

[24:51] But, um...

[24:51] So, it's Sacramento.

[24:53] It's at this morning show that apparently is...

[24:57] That has no name, I think.

[24:58] Yeah.

[24:59] It's ratings are so bad that it is consistently beaten by this public access show that Gerard

[25:06] Butler has.

[25:07] But it has not been canceled yet.

[25:09] And, even in spite of these bad ratings, it gets guests like Rocco Despirito and Desmond

[25:15] Tutu on it.

Elliott Kalan

[25:16] That they just mentioned Desmond Tutu.

[25:17] You don't actually see...

[25:18] You see Rocco Despirito on the show.

[25:20] But the producers of The Ugly Truth apparently could not convince the Archbishop to show up

[25:24] and be in the film.

[25:25] But they got Craig Ferguson.

[25:26] They got Craig Ferguson and Rocco Despirito, though.

[25:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:29] So, there's that weirdness.

[25:30] They kind of add up to equal one.

Elliott Kalan

[25:32] Really?

[25:33] Yeah.

[25:33] Wow.

[25:34] It's math.

[25:36] I'm not that advanced in math.

[25:37] Yeah, it's cool.

Dan McCoy

[25:38] Well, and there's this weirdness that it's like this morning show, but it doesn't appear

[25:42] like it's like Good Morning America or something.

[25:44] It seems like a regular news show.

[25:45] But then it'll give over half of its time to this long...

[25:49] To The Ugly Truth with Gerard Butler.

[25:51] So, what...

[25:51] It's not his character's name.

[25:53] It's like Chaz Peterson.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] It's like Jack Corvette.

[25:57] That's pretty cool.

[25:58] Cadillac Bronson.

Dan McCoy

[26:00] I've been just saying that this...

[26:01] What kind of fucking show is this?

[26:02] This is a show about broadcasting that has no understanding of the most basic broadcasting.

Elliott Kalan

[26:08] Yeah, well, it's like a morning show.

[26:09] Like, you know...

[26:11] It's a...

[26:13] Like a...

[26:14] The show I keep thinking of is the show that Danny Tanner hosted on Full House called Wake

[26:18] Up San Francisco.

[26:19] Like that show, but at a news desk.

[26:21] In the beginning, they keep saying, like, you're a newsman.

[26:23] This is a news show.

[26:25] But all we ever see them do is a cooking segment, these ugly truth segments, and they tease segments

[26:30] like, then coming up, we look at the porpoises at the zoo.

[26:34] It's like, this is not a news show.

[26:35] This is a fluff morning show.

[26:37] Yeah.

[26:37] Why not have...

[26:38] What?

[26:41] Jet, Raising Stripe, talking about the ugly truth.

Stuart Wellington

[26:44] Wrestling around in jello, in gelatin-based stuff.

[26:48] Yeah, with women.

Dan McCoy

[26:49] Well, there was also a scene in this film...

[26:51] And maybe we missed something, because, you know, we talked through the films.

[26:55] I don't think that's a secret.

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[26:57] Don't pull the curtain back.

[26:58] Yeah.

[26:58] But...

[26:58] We take notes and everything.

[27:00] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[27:01] But there was a scene in this movie...

[27:02] We watch it, like, four times.

[27:04] Where...

[27:04] And we read the screenplay.

[27:06] There's a scene where Gerard...

[27:07] And we listen to the riff tracks.

[27:07] God's sake, let me finish one sentence.

[27:09] It's the riff tracks.

[27:10] Yes.

[27:11] Let me get through an idea so that the...

[27:13] It's cool now.

[27:13] It'll be fine.

[27:13] ...people listening to the...

[27:15] They were waiting for it.

[27:16] That's why it'll be fine.

[27:17] Let fit you...

[27:18] You have your opportunity right now.

[27:19] Finish the sentence.

[27:20] Okay, anyway.

[27:21] It's the build-up.

[27:22] So, there's a scene in this movie...

[27:23] This is gonna be good.

[27:24] ...where...

[27:25] Catherine Heigl is listening...

[27:27] Is talking to Colin...

[27:28] Oh, I remember.

[27:29] ...and Gerard Butler listens in from his cell phone.

[27:33] Okay.

[27:34] So, she's talking on a work line, and he somehow listens in to her phone call...

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] It might be a...

[27:39] From a cell phone.

[27:39] I think it might be a cordless phone that is also in the office on that line.

[27:43] But then, why does she have two phones in her office?

Dan McCoy

[27:45] This is what I'm saying.

[27:46] It may have been something that we missed because we were talking.

[27:50] But, it just feels like the movie doesn't care.

[27:53] It doesn't care to make sense of anything.

[27:55] Well, this is also the kind of movie...

Elliott Kalan

[27:56] Like, he says in the beginning, we're being beaten by this guy on Channel 83 Public Access.

[28:03] They could have easily had her go home and say, like, well, I'll see this for myself, and turn on that show.

[28:08] Because the show is apparently...

[28:09] Because his Ugly Truth TV show is apparently on 24 hours a day on this Public Access channel.

[28:14] But instead, her cat steps on the remote, which turns on the TV to the right channel.

[28:19] Like, why bother?

[28:21] Why have something that, like, contrived?

[28:22] Are you...

Stuart Wellington

[28:23] It's almost as if the movie was saying her pussy turns him on.

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] I think that symbolism is so far above the head, like, what's going on in this thing.

[28:34] Her pussy.

[28:36] We got it.

[28:37] We got it.

Dan McCoy

[28:38] You don't need to say it over again.

[28:40] Her cat, her cat, Stuart, by the way.

[28:44] Pussy.

[28:45] Named D'Artagnan.

[28:46] He would have been...

[28:46] Oh, yeah, the cat's name.

Elliott Kalan

[28:47] So, D'Artagnan breaks a fishbowl.

[28:50] That's when you first learn his name.

[28:51] Because she goes, D'Artagnan!

[28:53] How could you?

[28:54] Or something like that.

[28:55] The cat runs up a tree, and she goes, D'Artagnan, come back!

[28:58] D'Artagnan!

[28:59] D'Artagnan!

Dan McCoy

[29:00] Well, this is her fourth cat.

[29:01] There was Athos, Porthos, and Aramis before this, and they all passed away.

[29:05] I would, I'll bet, eight takes of her turning and shouting, D'Artagnan!

Elliott Kalan

[29:11] If I was the director, I would have made her do it 70 times.

[29:14] That was the way I would punish her if she was being cranky on set.

[29:18] Well, we should do some more D'Artagnan takes.

Dan McCoy

[29:21] You're known for keeping your actors in line.

[29:23] Oh, yeah.

[29:24] I'm like Fritz Lang that way.

[29:25] Wow.

[29:26] You're like that one director who did everything 80 times to sap any personality out of it.

[29:33] I forget who it was, but it's like a famous director who like, that was his thing.

[29:36] He just wanted them to say the words so he would do every take like 100 times.

[29:40] It's like, yep, that's the one I want.

[29:42] Chris Columbus.

[29:44] Yeah, man.

[29:44] That's it.

[29:46] Chris Columbus.

[29:46] Judd Apatow.

[29:47] Oh, damn.

Elliott Kalan

[29:49] You are rough on that guy.

[29:51] I'm not a fan of his work.

[29:53] He means well.

[29:54] I know that.

[29:55] Yeah.

[29:56] I find him neither funny nor interesting, his movies.

[29:59] Okay, wow.

[30:00] Speaking of news.

[30:01] I like most of the stuff.

[30:02] I haven't seen, he was involved with the Sarah Marshall movie, right?

[30:07] He produced it.

[30:08] I've seen two and a half movies he's directed and I couldn't finish the third one.

[30:13] So that's why I wasn't going to have.

[30:14] But anyway, the ugly truth, huh?

[30:16] Anyhow.

Dan McCoy

[30:17] Yeah, it was an ugly truth.

Elliott Kalan

[30:20] I hope Mr. Apatow will still read my screenplay.

[30:23] It's called Bunch of Guys Hang Out and Get High and Talk About Stuff from When They Were Kids.

[30:29] There's a shrewish woman in it.

[30:31] The movie.

Dan McCoy

[30:32] That is some Mad Magazine level satire you just threw at us.

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] Well, I made it up right now off the top of my head, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[30:38] Yeah, if he was writing something for Mad Magazine, he'd spend at least $25.

[30:42] There'd be way more Yiddish in it.

[30:45] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[30:48] Anywho, yeah, it's not a...

Stuart Wellington

[30:51] So this was not a very good...

[30:53] This is a very bland movie.

[30:55] Okay.

[30:56] You were pitching us a romantic comedy at the beginning of this movie.

[31:00] I was.

[31:01] Yeah, okay.

[31:01] Called Bad Date.

[31:02] Okay, what's the deal there?

Elliott Kalan

[31:04] It takes place over one night.

[31:06] Okay.

[31:06] And this guy goes on...

[31:08] I'm listening.

[31:09] The worst date ever.

[31:10] What kind of guy?

[31:12] He's your average Joe.

[31:13] He has a little bit...

[31:13] Does he have two arms?

[31:14] He has two arms and two legs.

[31:16] Okay.

[31:16] But not at the end of the date.

[31:18] Oh, no.

[31:18] That's how bad this date is.

[31:20] Sunglasses.

[31:21] He's not cool enough for sunglasses, but he'll need them when his eyes get pulled out by crows.

[31:26] When he's hanging from a jibbit.

[31:27] Sure.

[31:28] Or gibbit.

[31:28] I don't know how it's pronounced.

[31:29] That makes sense.

Stuart Wellington

[31:29] Does he learn anything from the experience?

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] What he learns is...

[31:32] What's his arc?

[31:34] His arc is basically...

[31:36] I'm not going to go on a date with her again.

[31:38] Yeah, okay.

[31:38] But he doesn't have any limbs.

[31:40] Don't interrupt you.

[31:40] Elliot, I gotta say...

[31:41] Or maybe he might just lose one leg.

[31:43] Don't interrupt you.

[31:44] What type of actress is going to play this bad date?

[31:49] She's going to be real sexy.

[31:50] Okay, real sexy.

[31:51] But she is trouble.

[31:52] She's got to be able to play like...

[31:53] Clumsy baby?

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] No, no.

[31:54] Well, a little bit of clumsy.

[31:55] Okay.

[31:56] Also kind of crazy.

[31:58] Okay.

[31:59] And maybe she is related to a murderer.

Stuart Wellington

[32:02] Okay, related to a murderer.

[32:03] I like this.

[32:05] I like this.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] Like, at some point this takes a left turn.

[32:08] It's like a lot of like...

[32:09] Oops, she stood up at the wrong moment and knocked over the waiter's tray.

[32:12] Like a Miranda Richardson type.

[32:14] Kind of.

[32:15] And then eventually goes into Saw territory.

[32:17] Oh, wow.

[32:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:18] I like where you're going here.

[32:19] It's like a more dramatic something wild.

Elliott Kalan

[32:21] Yeah, exactly.

[32:22] Wow.

[32:23] Or like National Lampoon's Blind Date.

[32:24] But if like...

[32:26] It was called Blind Date because he was blinded at the end.

[32:28] Or like a heartbreak kid but with more Ben Stillen.

[32:31] But with his heart actually torn in two.

[32:33] I think you're going to...

[32:34] You've got to sew it back together with shoelaces.

[32:35] I like that.

Dan McCoy

[32:36] I think you're going to lose the young female quadrant when he loses his eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[32:39] I don't...

[32:40] Well, he's going to be...

[32:40] There's going to be plenty of yucks in it.

[32:42] You know, there's lots of jokes.

Stuart Wellington

[32:43] Yeah, there's that...

[32:44] I mean, young girls eat up that moment where the main character...

[32:48] They eat up eyes.

[32:48] They eat up that moment where he's like standing in the midst of a howling gale.

[32:54] Howling at an uncaring god.

[32:55] Yeah, on a...

[32:56] Holding the remains of his eyes.

[32:58] On a blasted heath.

Elliott Kalan

[33:00] With sounds!

[33:02] With naught but the fool to...

[33:03] Excelsior!

[33:05] Or I guess the fool is with Lear.

[33:07] So it's...

[33:07] Which is the good brother?

[33:08] Edmund or Edward?

[33:09] I don't remember.

[33:10] Oh, okay.

[33:11] Well, he's the one who's with Gloucester.

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:13] So...

[33:13] King Bear.

[33:14] Anywho...

[33:14] So that sounds like a great movie.

[33:16] I would love to write a movie called Bad Date that starts out like it's a very silly

[33:21] movie and then just gets very...

[33:24] Like Audition?

[33:25] That's the thing.

[33:26] It's been done before something like Audition.

[33:28] Except Audition where the first half of the movie isn't painfully boring to sit through.

Stuart Wellington

[33:32] Oh, okay.

[33:33] But that's the whole point.

Dan McCoy

[33:35] That makes the ending all the sweeter.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] I did not when I watched it.

Stuart Wellington

[33:38] It's that slow burn you like so much.

Elliott Kalan

[33:41] It's weird though because Audition is the movie that it's better if you don't know what's

[33:45] coming.

[33:45] But if I didn't know what was coming I probably would have stopped watching the movie.

[33:49] Sure.

[33:50] Because it's not particularly entertaining.

Dan McCoy

[33:53] A lot of Takeshi Miyake movies are like that.

Elliott Kalan

[33:55] Except a lot of his movies are crazy right off the bat.

[33:58] That's true.

[33:58] Ishii the Killer has its slow moments but it's insane right from the beginning.

[34:03] Well, that's fair.

[34:04] But Ishii the Killer is the most extreme.

[34:05] In a puddle of semen.

Dan McCoy

[34:06] Yeah.

[34:07] All right.

[34:07] Well, now that we're in a round table discussion of Takeshi Miyake...

[34:12] And then you've got a movie like Izu.

[34:14] Sure.

[34:15] Or Gozu.

[34:16] Or Gozu.

[34:17] He loves his zoos.

[34:18] I think we should probably wrap up our ugly truth discussion.

[34:22] What's left of it?

[34:23] I guess...

[34:24] No, to say we can go on to judgments.

[34:26] That's all I'm saying.

[34:26] Oh, okay.

[34:27] Because it seems like we've...

[34:29] What kind of judgments?

[34:30] Final judgments.

[34:31] Final judgments?

[34:32] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[34:34] So, to reset this for the audience, our categories are...

[34:38] Is this a good-bad movie?

[34:40] A bad-bad movie?

[34:41] Or a movie that you actually sort of liked?

[34:43] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[34:45] I'm going to say bad-bad movie because there wasn't nearly enough silly stuff.

[34:49] Like, I was expecting it to not be a lot of fun.

[34:51] But aside from the hilarious vibrating panties scene, there is nothing that I really enjoyed

[34:58] in this movie.

[34:58] The erotic vibrating panties scene.

[35:00] I also did enjoy Gerard Butler's attempt to hide his little chipmunk cheeks with a half

[35:06] beard, but it didn't work, buddy.

[35:09] Go for a full beard.

Dan McCoy

[35:11] Gerard Butler is going to come and he's going to beat all of us.

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] Not me.

[35:14] I haven't said anything about how puffy he looks.

Stuart Wellington

[35:16] He can beat me up.

[35:17] It's okay.

[35:18] He'll be like paparazzi.

[35:20] I'll take his picture.

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] He also...

[35:23] We were talking about how Gerard Butler talks out of the side of his mouth like Popeye.

[35:27] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[35:30] Yeah, this is a bad-bad movie.

[35:33] I...

[35:34] There were a couple of moments where I was sort of like...

[35:37] When they were...

[35:38] When the two leads were allowed to just sort of be palling around, you know, when it was

[35:42] a movie about people who disagreed but were workers who worked together and friends, like,

[35:49] I actually kind of found some of that a little charming.

[35:51] There was potential there.

[35:52] Yeah, like, there could have been chemistry if they were allowed to just be like, okay,

[35:57] well, we disagree, but we're not going to argue about it all the time.

[36:01] But, like, that's just going to be a source of, you know, like a little friction, a fun friction

[36:05] in our relationship.

[36:06] And that was the film rather than all these contrivances.

[36:10] That wouldn't have been a great movie, but at least it might have some enjoyable moments.

[36:15] Whereas this was just, you know, the worst kind of, I don't know, by the numbers romantic

[36:20] comedy.

[36:21] Like, okay, well, we're going to mix in a little Cyrano.

[36:24] We're going to have, like, some opposites attract.

[36:26] It's going to be...

Elliott Kalan

[36:27] People are going to get caught in situations that seem sexual or awkward or embarrassing.

[36:32] And then we're going to cut away from that scene so we don't have to extricate them from

[36:36] that situation.

Stuart Wellington

[36:38] Yeah, it just wasn't good.

[36:40] Maybe in this movie with Jennifer Aniston, it'll be better.

[36:45] Oh, that's right.

[36:46] Yeah, Gerard Butler's got a...

[36:47] Oh, the bounty hunter film?

[36:48] Yeah, maybe that'll be right up your alley.

[36:51] You should take a date to that one.

Dan McCoy

[36:52] Sure.

[36:53] Perhaps my wife.

[36:54] Or someone else.

Elliott Kalan

[36:56] That's going to be our next Flophouse contest.

Dan McCoy

[36:58] Go on a date with Dan McCoy.

[37:00] My wife wants to stay married to me, so she doesn't want to see the bounty hunter.

[37:05] Who wants to see the bounty hunter with me?

[37:07] Nice.

[37:07] So what is the bounty hunter about?

[37:09] It's about a bounty hunter.

Stuart Wellington

[37:11] Let the X Games begin, sayeth the poster.

Elliott Kalan

[37:14] That's the slogan on the poster.

[37:16] Not really what the movie's about, but...

[37:19] That's all I need to know.

[37:20] Gerard Butler has yet found his niche once, which was man with cut abs who bellows at Persians.

[37:29] Brandishes a sword.

[37:30] And since then, they've been trying him.

[37:32] It's kind of the same way that if he was a star in the 30s or 40s...

Stuart Wellington

[37:36] Elliot, P.S. I love you.

[37:40] P.S. Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[37:42] P.S. I love you.

[37:44] Thanks, well...

[37:44] He's not saying a movie title.

[37:47] No, no, he's just...

[37:48] I just wanted to interrupt you.

Elliott Kalan

[37:49] He's writing the postscript to a letter he has yet to write.

[37:51] Yeah.

[37:52] But it's like in the 30s or 40s, if you have a new star, suddenly he's hit it big with this

[37:57] movie, 300.

[37:58] You're going to try him out in as many different types of movies as you can to see what he's

[38:02] good in and what he's not good in.

[38:03] What the audience wants to see him do.

[38:05] It almost feels like Gerard Butler is going through that process right now, where it's like,

[38:08] let's see if he can do romantic comedy.

[38:10] Okay, maybe not that.

[38:11] Well, let's see if he can do...

[38:12] Like, drama will be next, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[38:14] I hope they do that with that Sam Worthington guy instead of just putting him in movies filled

[38:19] with CGI.

[38:20] I don't think that's going to happen.

[38:22] I'm hoping for some, like, a musical comedy.

[38:25] Maybe a fantasy children's film.

[38:27] That sounds great.

Dan McCoy

[38:28] So many musical comedies being made today.

Stuart Wellington

[38:30] Maybe like a Jewish family holiday comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:35] Are there those?

Stuart Wellington

[38:37] Do those exist?

[38:39] I've never...

[38:40] I'll point you in the right direction.

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] Yeah, please do.

[38:43] Oh, and my final judgment is bad, bad movie.

[38:45] What Dan said, it was very by the numbers, but not in a good way.

[38:49] There can be something very fun in seeing a movie that does a formula very well, but seeing

[38:53] a movie that does a formula very poorly is bad.

[38:56] Example.

[38:56] Well, like certain kinds of action movies, you know, like...

[38:59] Or certain kinds of romantic comedies.

[39:00] Like a movie like Pretty Woman, it's not a favorite of mine, but it has a kind of formula

[39:06] of characters going through some similar motions, and then it works for people, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[39:12] Yeah, like...

[39:13] I was talking to my lady.

[39:16] We watched Couples Retreat, which was terrible.

[39:19] And she made this comment of like, oh, you know, it was worse than I expected.

[39:23] I'm like, well, I figured it was going to be a piece of shit.

[39:25] But I guess there is that comfort you get from something that's at least good at being

[39:30] very bland.

[39:31] Yeah.

[39:32] Like very by the numbers.

[39:32] Well, even there are horror movies that are like that, too.

Elliott Kalan

[39:35] Where like...

[39:35] Oh, right.

[39:36] You're tying it in with something I like.

[39:38] Exactly.

[39:38] There you go.

[39:39] You're like a relationship coach.

[39:40] Yeah.

[39:41] Let's take a look at this.

[39:41] You're like Dr. Oz.

Stuart Wellington

[39:44] Wait, no, he's not a relationship coach at all.

[39:45] No, he's not at all.

[39:46] He's a medical doctor.

Elliott Kalan

[39:49] But there's a problem with your relationship.

[39:52] You have cancer.

[39:53] It's your rectum.

[39:54] It's your rectum.

[39:55] Oh, okay.

[39:56] Thanks, Dr. Oz, I guess.

[39:58] Your relationship with your body.

[40:01] But like a horror movie or a science fiction movie, like there can be a good...

[40:05] Like I'm hopefully going to finally see Avatar this weekend.

[40:09] Sure.

[40:09] But what I've heard from people who liked it is that it delivered what they wanted very

[40:13] well.

[40:14] That they knew what was going to happen, but there were no surprises, but they didn't want

[40:18] there to be surprises.

[40:19] Like there can be a certain joy in that.

[40:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:23] Well, that being settled.

[40:24] So that was the theory part of this podcast.

[40:28] Now that we've resolved that...

[40:30] No, you want to go...

[40:30] I can move on to the Flophouse movie Mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[40:35] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[40:37] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Dan McCoy

[40:39] Mailbag.

[40:42] This one is from...

[40:44] It's not written in that small a print, Dan.

[40:46] Dan was holding the paper literally less than a millimeter from his glasses.

[40:50] I don't think that was a literal...

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] His nose actually poked through the paper.

[40:55] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[40:56] They were just so close to his face.

[40:57] Like Patterson.

[40:58] My printer was running out of ink.

[41:00] Yeah, the...

[41:01] Isn't that the...

[41:01] The governor?

[41:02] Yeah.

[41:03] The blind.

Stuart Wellington

[41:03] He has serious visual problems.

[41:06] I know, but every...

[41:07] Like he...

[41:07] You know, he says some stuff that's pretty serious, and you're like, oh, that makes sense.

[41:10] And then he just like leans right over the paper, and it totally messes it up.

Dan McCoy

[41:15] Okay, well, Stuart hates blind people.

[41:17] Oh, come on.

[41:18] Just when they're in a position of power.

[41:20] So, anyway...

[41:21] No, my printer was running out of ink, and thus...

[41:25] Looks like you better catch it.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] That doesn't work.

[41:28] Running out of ink?

[41:29] No, it doesn't.

[41:31] Ink must be a location of some kind.

[41:32] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[41:37] So, Gus.

Dan McCoy

[41:39] You've ruined everything.

[41:41] So, this is from Dion, last name withheld.

[41:45] Warwick.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] We know who the last name is.

Dan McCoy

[41:48] It says...

[41:49] Sanders.

[41:49] Maybe it's Sanders.

[41:50] Dear Floppers, it's come to my attention that the Flophouse doesn't have a tagline.

[41:56] That sucks.

[41:57] Here are some suggestions.

[41:58] Okay.

[41:59] Their follies are fun.

[42:01] Okay.

[42:02] A swift kick to a bad movie's balls.

[42:05] This one's less of a tagline than just an explanation.

[42:08] Your movie sucks, here's why.

[42:10] I actually like that one.

[42:11] Yeah?

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] I like that.

[42:12] I mean, the other ones have a certain flair to them, but I like that one a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[42:17] All those would look good if plastered on the bottom of a poster with the three of us

[42:21] like with our arms crossed on it.

[42:23] Yeah.

[42:23] Back to back.

Dan McCoy

[42:24] Shaking our heads.

[42:25] Yeah.

[42:25] Shaking our heads, no.

Elliott Kalan

[42:26] We're sitting in a...

[42:27] Can you shake your heads in a poster?

[42:29] Well, it's lenticular.

[42:30] As you walk by it, the heads shake.

Dan McCoy

[42:33] Wow.

[42:34] That's going to cost a lot.

[42:36] I mean, if we want those posters up at every subway station.

[42:37] That one is going to cost $15 or $20 at least.

Elliott Kalan

[42:40] We're going to print up a thousand of them.

[42:41] That's no good.

[42:42] But we're like...

[42:43] I don't have the budget for that.

Stuart Wellington

[42:43] I'd put them in subways where they'll never be defaced.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] Or it's like the scary movie poster.

[42:49] We're all sitting in movie theater seats.

[42:52] Oh, okay.

[42:52] You know, like throwing popcorn at the screen or something.

Stuart Wellington

[42:54] Sure.

[42:55] And various characters from the films that we're making fun of will be sitting next to us.

[42:59] Mm-hmm.

[42:59] But slightly twisted versions of them.

[43:01] Caricatured, if you will.

[43:03] Yeah.

[43:03] But he says something like that.

[43:04] Like surfing with a giant head?

[43:06] Exactly.

[43:07] Or with a tennis racket.

[43:08] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[43:09] Roller skating.

[43:11] Right.

[43:11] Driving a tiny car.

[43:14] It says perhaps another vague contest is in order.

[43:17] I say that only one vague contest at a time.

Elliott Kalan

[43:19] But this would be a very good vague contest.

[43:21] It's a good vague contest.

[43:22] Well, we actually have...

[43:23] I forgot to hand these to you guys before this.

[43:25] We have contest prizes.

[43:27] Yeah.

[43:27] For reals.

Dan McCoy

[43:28] Well, I was going to get into that because in his postscript he says,

[43:31] P.S.

[43:32] Dan is the classy one.

[43:33] P.S.

[43:33] I love you.

[43:34] The classy one?

[43:35] Between occasional clinks of ice on glass and the fairly consistent political correctness,

[43:40] Dan keeps joke train on track and Stewart off the FBI watch list.

[43:44] Yay!

[43:46] I love that.

[43:47] That is an accurate hook.

[43:48] I think that's good.

[43:49] I mean, it's kind of like...

[43:51] That's your hook, right?

[43:52] It's kind of like calling me the Cyclops of the group.

[43:54] You still seem to like it better.

[43:55] Leonardo.

[43:56] Yep.

[43:56] Well, it's phrased in a more pleasant way, though.

[43:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:59] It makes it sound like you're the Frasier.

[44:01] Mm-hmm.

[44:02] Like I'm Dean Martin or something.

[44:03] As opposed to the Ted Danson.

[44:05] Yeah.

[44:06] You're Dean Martin.

[44:07] Yeah.

[44:08] Or who was there?

[44:09] Anyone in...

[44:10] Or who would he be on Night Court?

[44:12] The Bailiff?

[44:12] Not the Bailiff.

[44:13] Yeah, he's not on the court.

[44:14] Mack.

[44:14] Yeah, yeah.

[44:15] Mack.

[44:15] That's who you'd be.

[44:16] Wait.

[44:16] Would I get to be...

[44:17] No.

Stuart Wellington

[44:17] You'd be Harry and I'd be John Larroquette, right?

[44:19] Yeah, of course.

[44:20] Main feeling, sure.

[44:21] Of course.

[44:21] That sounds awesome.

[44:22] Yeah.

[44:22] I'd be okay being Mack.

[44:23] Can we go do that?

Elliott Kalan

[44:25] Yes.

[44:25] You literally...

[44:26] How?

[44:27] Yeah, I'll start up the holodeck.

[44:29] We could have our Night Court adventure.

[44:32] Can we do that?

[44:34] What does that even mean?

[44:36] Is some dude with a Tommy gun going to show up and just...

[44:38] It's a holodeck?

[44:40] Yeah.

[44:40] A Tommy gun or, you know, Sherlock Holmes or something.

Dan McCoy

[44:45] We're all adventure.

[44:45] Yeah, yeah.

[44:46] We're all adventure.

[44:48] By the way, do not start up the holodeck because Moriarty is going to figure out some way

[44:54] of getting off the holodeck.

[44:55] Oh, becoming real.

[44:55] And ruining everything.

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] Oh, man.

[44:59] What does it mean?

[45:00] I don't know what you're asking.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] Stuart wants someone to build us a Night Court set.

[45:07] And we would get some old Night Court scripts, I think.

[45:10] And we would just live inside Night Court.

[45:12] That sounds good.

[45:13] Forever.

[45:14] Oh, that was good.

[45:15] Oh, man.

[45:15] I needed that one.

[45:17] So, Night Court.

[45:18] So, to sum up...

[45:19] Nice, Night Court.

[45:20] This one's for you.

[45:20] To sum up, our new tagline is, kind of like Night Court.

[45:25] Wish it was Night Court.

[45:26] Yeah.

[45:27] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[45:29] Wait.

[45:30] Wait.

[45:30] Do you do magic?

[45:33] I don't, but I could learn it if it meant I could be Judge Harry.

[45:35] Yeah, yeah.

[45:38] It's too bad Mel Tome is the past.

Dan McCoy

[45:41] We could get him on the Flophouse.

[45:43] He'd just like Night Court.

Elliott Kalan

[45:44] Oh, yeah.

[45:44] Because he was often on Night Court.

Dan McCoy

[45:46] He guessed it a few times.

[45:48] Anyway, this one's called...

[45:50] This letter is called...

[45:51] I bet we could get Yakov Smirnov.

[45:53] We probably could get a...

[45:55] What's-her-face?

[45:57] Marky Post?

[45:58] Marky Post.

[45:58] You know, if we had a...

[46:01] We got a grand together.

[46:02] If we scraped a grand together, we could probably get Marky Post.

Stuart Wellington

[46:05] Yeah, but I want to pay for Cinderella to play at my 30th birthday.

[46:09] So, that's where my grand's going.

Dan McCoy

[46:13] Okay.

[46:14] Anyway, the second and last letter is...

[46:18] Ooh, I like the mailbag.

[46:19] It's called Dan the Memorable Man.

[46:21] It's from Brian.

[46:22] Ah, so it's fiction.

[46:23] Oh!

[46:24] Brian, last name withheld.

[46:26] If you didn't hear it, that was me and Stuart high-fiving.

[46:29] While I think that three overexcited personalities would crowd the show far too much, there's probably

[46:34] plenty of ways for Dan to stand out among the crowd of two.

[46:39] Perhaps instead of doing the...

[46:40] Perhaps instead of doing the bumper in the middle of the show as a straight plug, Dan could

[46:46] sing a little ditty that summarizes the movie in a humorous way.

[46:49] Sure, I'd stop listening immediately, but I'd never forget the name of Dan.

[46:53] The Man Who Ruined His Own Podcast.

[46:57] By the way, it was fantastic that Dan was trying to talk about how he doesn't stand out compared

[47:01] to Stuart and Elliot, and he was constantly being drowned out by those two being very Stuart-y and

[47:06] Elliot-y.

[47:07] That's a hard word to say.

[47:08] Elliot-y?

[47:09] Elliot-y.

[47:10] Elliot-y?

[47:11] Yeah, sometimes...

[47:11] Yeah, that's me and the Himalayas.

[47:13] Himalayas, yeah.

[47:14] Sometimes the man making the magic just can't get attention behind the flashy assistants.

[47:19] Anyway, I for one am glad that at least two of the floppers don't talk about their junk

[47:23] most episodes.

[47:24] Oh my god!

Stuart Wellington

[47:26] You guys talk about my junk way more...

[47:29] Well...

Dan McCoy

[47:31] Anyway, so that was a very pleasant email.

Stuart Wellington

[47:34] I accept that critique.

[47:36] Fine.

[47:37] That's very big of you, Stuart.

[47:39] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[47:40] I will not rise to your challenge.

[47:42] Fuck!

[47:44] Oh man, so there's a lot of ins and outs to that joke, but...

[47:48] Oh man!

[47:50] The point of this is, yes, you've got some prizes for the Give Dan a Hook...

[47:56] Some surprises.

[47:58] Prizes.

[47:59] Just prizes.

[47:59] No, okay, they're not surprises.

[48:00] Well, it's a surprise to the listeners because they don't know what it is.

[48:02] But not to you.

[48:03] Not to me.

[48:03] I know what it is, yeah.

[48:04] Okay, cool.

[48:05] But I think we should give them one more show to get some entries in since we just are

[48:09] announcing officially that we have the prizes now.

[48:12] Yeah.

[48:13] And why don't you explain the prizes?

Elliott Kalan

[48:15] These prizes are...

[48:17] This is a very rare and hard to find thing.

[48:22] Okay.

[48:23] It fits in a box.

[48:24] Okay.

[48:28] Okay, I'll...

[48:29] In the form of a riddle.

[48:29] All right.

[48:30] I live under a tree.

[48:32] Can you see me?

[48:34] No, this is a friend of mine, John Ott, former roommate from the years at college back in

[48:41] our old alma mater, New York University, wrote and directed and produced a short horror film

[48:48] called Stull that he, for the DVD release of, had us Flophouse guys do an alternate audio

[48:57] track for doing commentary on his film.

[49:00] Like a riff tracks.

[49:01] Kind of like a riff tracks.

[49:02] Exactly.

[49:02] Yeah.

[49:03] And...

Dan McCoy

[49:04] But not legally in a way that could be...

[49:07] Oh, so we can't get sued for that.

[49:09] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[49:09] Can't get sued.

[49:10] We were asked to do it by the person who owns the rights to the film.

[49:13] Yeah.

[49:13] And he has donated to us a couple DVDs of that film, including our commentary.

[49:21] So, for the Flophouse fans out there...

[49:23] That's awesome.

[49:24] One, it's a pretty entertaining short film.

[49:27] But also, for the Flophouse fans, this is rare and exclusive Flophouse material.

[49:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:33] Not available anywhere else.

[49:35] It's like sitting with us while we're watching the movie rather than trying to imagine what

[49:39] that must have been like while listening to the podcast after we've seen the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[49:44] And for the completest, it's a must.

[49:46] Mm-hmm.

[49:46] For the Flophouse completest.

[49:49] And if you don't win the contest, you can still buy the DVDs at a URL that I should have

[49:54] looked up before...

[49:56] I'll put it on the website.

[49:57] Ah, good idea.

Dan McCoy

[49:59] So...

[49:59] Website?

[50:00] Speaking of the website...

[50:01] Speaking of the website, I just want to briefly take a moment to say, I apologize that there

[50:09] have not been Movie Minutes recently.

Elliott Kalan

[50:12] And there's been some stuff we can talk about for Movie Minutes, too.

Dan McCoy

[50:15] There has been stuff we've been talking about, but basically, I have been getting busier and

[50:20] busier lately, and so since I do most of the Movie Minutes on my own, I just haven't had

[50:27] time to sit down and do it when it's just me.

[50:29] So I think that going forward, because I don't believe that the Flophouse fan is a big fan,

[50:35] necessarily, of the Movie Minute in particular.

[50:37] Oh.

[50:38] They like the main episodes.

[50:41] I will still try and put out Movie Minutes occasionally when we are all together and we've

[50:45] recorded something, like an extra letters thing, or we have a subject that we want to

[50:49] talk about.

[50:50] But in terms of just there being a separate Movie Minute, that may not be happening anymore.

[50:57] Well, we appreciate all the hard work you've been putting into this.

Elliott Kalan

[51:00] Thanks, David.

[51:01] And, you know, now that you...

[51:02] It really shows, though, man.

[51:03] You're looking good.

[51:03] Thanks, buddy.

[51:04] And we will try not to let it affect your evaluation at the end of the month.

[51:10] Oh, wow.

[51:10] Yeah.

[51:12] Jeez.

[51:13] Bringing the room down.

Dan McCoy

[51:14] Okay, so are we done here?

[51:16] Well, we've got to recommend some movies.

Stuart Wellington

[51:17] All right.

[51:18] Stuart, do you have one?

[51:19] Yeah.

[51:20] I'm going to recommend a movie that we all watched together for fun.

[51:24] Remember, guys?

[51:25] Whoa.

[51:26] Wait, we didn't record anything afterwards?

[51:28] No, no.

[51:28] Hold on.

[51:29] For pleasure.

[51:29] We sat around in my living room and watched a Blu-ray copy of...

[51:35] As if nobody's got Blu-ray.

[51:39] A Blu-ray copy of House of the Devil, which was a recently released throwback-style horror

[51:48] movie directed by Ty West.

[51:51] And it's for anybody who likes horror movies, specifically horror movies that, you know, take

[51:59] a little bit of time and encourage, you know, are a little bit patient and are more about

[52:05] atmosphere than anything else.

[52:07] I totally recommend it for you.

[52:09] It was very good.

Dan McCoy

[52:11] So that was mine.

[52:13] I watched recently World's Greatest Dad, the film directed by Bobcat Goldthwait.

[52:20] Oh, is that...

[52:20] Did they release that on DVD?

[52:22] Yeah.

[52:23] You can watch it on Netflix streaming now if you want to watch instantly.

Stuart Wellington

[52:29] Well, should we?

[52:30] Is this an actual recommendation?

[52:31] Yeah, no, I'm recommending.

[52:32] That's what I'm recommending.

[52:33] So you're recommending that we watch it.

Dan McCoy

[52:34] Okay.

[52:35] Okay.

[52:36] It stars Robin Williams in a not irritating performance.

[52:41] And it's about a guy who has a horrible, horrible, unpleasant son who kills himself accidentally

[52:47] during an act of autoerotic asphyxiation.

[52:51] And his father, who is a failed writer, covers this up, writes a suicide note.

[52:59] And then after the fact, the son sort of becomes deified at the school a little bit.

[53:07] Like, people think they look at the suicide note and think, okay, this kid was deep.

[53:12] And it's about how, you know, we have this tendency to make the dead into saints.

[53:17] It's about, you know, what it means to be like a good parent.

[53:21] It's not like a hilarious movie, but like it's a good satire and it keeps it very like human

[53:26] sized.

[53:28] You know, the Robin Williams character does horrible things, but each like incremental step,

[53:33] it makes sense.

[53:34] And then it doesn't, it doesn't get way out of crazy whack.

[53:39] Like it's not a satire that where...

[53:41] Crazy whack?

[53:42] Well, it's not like a satire where it goes to the extreme where...

[53:46] I feel like most movies would want to make it really big where all of a sudden, you know,

[53:52] the kid's fake writings sweep the nation and it's the number one bestseller.

[53:56] And then there has to be like a big nationwide like denouement.

[54:00] It doesn't get that crazy.

[54:01] So that would be extreme crazy whack.

[54:03] Yeah.

[54:03] Okay.

[54:04] All right.

[54:04] Well, since my...

[54:05] In the Dan-tionary, under extreme crazy whack, that's what it would show.

[54:08] Since my recommendation has been totally discounted by my choice of words, I will pass it along

[54:14] to Elliot for his recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[54:18] Do we have to get in our time machines for this one, Elliot?

[54:22] To go back in time?

Elliott Kalan

[54:23] I don't know why you would need to go.

[54:25] Well, you might actually, because the movie I'm going to recommend is one that's kind of

[54:29] hard to see.

[54:30] It's more of a...

[54:31] Well, it's more of a movie like if it's playing near you, you should take the opportunity

[54:34] to go see it.

[54:35] I don't think it's been mentioned before.

Dan McCoy

[54:38] It's called The Devil and Miss Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[54:40] It's called Behind the Green Door.

Dan McCoy

[54:43] Star is the Dove Soap Girl.

Elliott Kalan

[54:45] But it's a movie called Los Angeles Plays Itself, which is a documentary about the way Los Angeles

[54:52] has been portrayed in film through film history and kind of what you would think about Los

[54:58] Angeles if you watched only movies.

[55:00] And then it slowly kind of becomes a documentary about the ways different kinds of films tell

[55:06] different stories and the types of stories about Los Angeles that don't get told, about

[55:10] the people who live there who aren't rich, white movie stars, and kind of the city itself

[55:16] and misconceptions about it.

[55:18] It's a really good documentary.

[55:20] Unfortunately, it's made up almost entirely of scenes from other films.

[55:24] And because the director and producer, who I think is the same guy, doesn't have the rights

[55:32] to this, I think it's only, he's only allowed to show it, I think, if there's a screening that

[55:36] he is at, I believe.

[55:38] He has permission to show it.

[55:40] So it's one of those things where if it's coming to the city you live in and it's playing

[55:44] at like a revival house or an art house, it's very much worth going to see.

[55:47] And it's a very in-depth documentary.

[55:50] It's long, but it's a lot of fun.

[55:52] And it's neat to, you really think about the movies differently.

[55:54] There's a lot of scenes from movies like, you know, Blade Trinity and things like that,

[55:58] where you start to think about the backgrounds of these shots and the buildings that are in

[56:03] them.

[56:04] And it's, you know, not that Wesley Snipes is jumping through a window or something like

[56:08] that.

[56:08] And it was very good.

[56:09] I thought it was a very well-made film.

[56:11] But it's kind of hard to find.

[56:13] You have to seek it out.

Dan McCoy

[56:15] So Elliot recommends a movie that we can't see.

[56:19] And I recommend a film where I say two strange words.

[56:24] You can literally watch instantly right now.

[56:28] Anyway, I want to find Elliot's movie.

[56:30] Yeah, sure.

[56:31] It's very good.

[56:33] So I think that's it, guys.

[56:35] Sweet.

[56:35] I think that we've learned a truth tonight.

[56:37] Now it's time to say an ugly truth.

[56:39] An ugly truth.

[56:40] Hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[56:41] And that's good.

[56:42] I wish it was called Ugly T. Ruth.

[56:44] It was about a woman named Tammy Ruth, who's really ugly and has to, like, get a, you know,

[56:49] that's her problem.

[56:50] Okay, take it one step further.

[56:52] The Snugly T. Ruth.

[56:53] What about the Ugly T.R. Ruth.

[56:57] Tyrannosaurus Rex Outh.

[56:58] I don't know what Outh means.

[57:00] That's what the viewer has to find out.

Stuart Wellington

[57:01] He's from a different dimension where Earth is called Outh.

Elliott Kalan

[57:06] Tyrannosaurus Rex Earth is his name.

Stuart Wellington

[57:10] Yeah, but they call him Outh because he's from there.

[57:13] Because he's from there.

[57:15] The Snugly T.R. Outh.

[57:17] We're gonna hash out these covered in fur because dinosaurs from that.

[57:21] In that dimension, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:22] We'll hash out these pun-related movie pitches off air.

[57:26] But until then, I've been Dan McCoy.

[57:29] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[57:30] And I will continue to be Ellie Kalin long after this is over.

[57:34] Good night.

[57:35] Okay, so what color of fur would he have?

[57:36] Brown.

[57:37] Brown fur?

[57:38] He's like a teddy bear.

Stuart Wellington

[57:45] Oh man, that's like a competition.

[57:47] You know what I'm talking about, right Dan?

[57:49] Uh-huh.

[57:50] Sex competitions.

[57:52] The Sex Olympics.

Elliott Kalan

[57:53] I think they're holding those games in Bangkok this year.

Stuart Wellington

[57:55] Oh!

[57:56] Oh!

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] Elliot, oh, you sly fox.

[58:01] Slylock Fox.

Dan McCoy

[58:03] And Max Mouse.

[58:05] Those two get up into so many scrapes.

Elliott Kalan

[58:08] They certainly do scrape.

Dan McCoy

[58:10] Mainly puzzles and mazes though, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:12] Yeah, and find-a-things.

Stuart Wellington

[58:14] I'm not very good at the find-a-things part.

[58:16] I never can find-a-things.

[58:18] Good old, good old-fashioned find-a-things.

Dan McCoy

[58:19] That's rule one.

[58:20] Yeah.

[58:21] First rule of find-things is to always be finding things.

[58:25] That's actually the ABCs of finding things.

The Flop House: Episode #55 - The Ugly Truth

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