The Flop House_ Episode #56 - Whiteout

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Whiteout, the film invented by Mike Nesmith's mother.

Elliott Kalan

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] I'm Elliot Kalin, in the number two seat this time.

S3

[0:37] And I'm Amanda Melson's special guest announcing myself.

[0:41] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[0:43] Amanda, welcome back.

[0:45] Thank you.

[0:46] You were here once before when Stuart was here.

[0:48] That's true.

[0:49] And now you're back when Elliot's here.

[0:52] Elliot, who's much more of a gentleman than Stuart.

[0:56] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] I don't know if I'd say that. I'm a gentleman, but he's a ladies' man.

[1:00] Uh-huh.

[1:00] So, he has a way of charm about him, whereas I merely have a base level of politeness.

[1:06] Yep.

S3

[1:07] I'm glad that that's the only thing you base the way you treat me on.

[1:12] It's just your level, how you treat all women also applies to me.

[1:18] It's exactly the same.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] With a professional courtesy.

[1:22] Thank you.

[1:23] That's the way I treat you, the way I treat my fiancé, the way I treat my mother.

Dan McCoy

[1:27] Despite the fact that you actually have known Amanda for quite some time, unlike Stuart,

[1:33] who was just meeting Amanda when we did a podcast together.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] We've all known each other for a while.

[1:37] That's true.

[1:38] You know what, guys?

[1:39] Let's not talk about a movie.

[1:39] Let's just reminisce about Sarah Schaefer's Obsessed with You.

[1:43] Ah, good old times.

[1:43] And the days of Juvie Hall Theater.

Dan McCoy

[1:45] Let's reminisce about a failed New York alternative comedy theater.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] It only failed because it didn't make money, Dan.

[1:53] Yeah.

[1:54] That's not a failure.

[1:55] Creatively, it was a hit.

[1:56] Except with the audiences.

Dan McCoy

[1:58] Well, on those standards, it's just as successful as any alternative New York comedy theater ever.

[2:03] There you go.

[2:04] Like, even the successful New York comedy theaters...

[2:07] Have closed down.

[2:08] ...lose money on their actual shows.

[2:10] The only way that they make any money is by charging people to learn how to do comedy.

S3

[2:17] Oh, we should have done that.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] Yeah, I know.

[2:20] And those people become a source of free labor, too.

S3

[2:22] If any people had come to see any shows at that theater, we could have enticed them into learning how we did it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] Yeah.

[2:31] Taught them lessons.

[2:32] Yeah.

[2:33] In comedy stuff.

Dan McCoy

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:35] The first lesson we would teach them would be taking their money.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] Here's your money.

[2:41] Say goodbye to it.

[2:42] Come back next week.

[2:43] That's going to be...

[2:44] With more money.

Dan McCoy

[2:45] That's going to be the next 10 to 20 years of your comedy career.

[2:49] Anyway.

[2:50] Really?

[2:50] 20 years?

[2:51] Well, I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] So you're saying the average comedian works for 20 years without making a profit.

Dan McCoy

[2:56] Profit?

[2:57] Yes.

[2:58] Probably.

[2:59] I'm just...

[2:59] I mean, you know, I've been at it for eight.

[3:01] So I'm just giving myself a wide margin.

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] 12 more years to go, and then the money's going to come in.

[3:06] Yep.

[3:06] By the time you're in your mid-50s...

[3:08] Uh-huh.

[3:09] You should be making upwards of $26,000 a year.

S3

[3:12] That's when you get your pension.

[3:14] Your comedy pension.

[3:15] That's true.

[3:16] Once that kicks in, you're sitting pretty.

Dan McCoy

[3:18] Mm-hmm.

[3:19] I've been paying in every year, so...

[3:21] To who?

[3:23] Some guy.

[3:24] Gilbert Gottfried?

[3:25] Yeah.

S3

[3:26] Yeah.

[3:27] The voice of the Shoudini?

[3:30] Shoudini.

[3:30] Have you seen...

[3:31] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] I know he's the voice of the Affleck duck.

S3

[3:33] No more.

[3:34] I don't...

[3:34] He may not be.

[3:35] No.

Elliott Kalan

[3:35] Well, he's the...

[3:36] I know he's the voice of Iago in Aladdin.

[3:38] Well, that...

S3

[3:39] That will be forever.

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:40] They can't change that.

[3:42] But I saw an ad for the Shoudini, which is a device that old people use, but their shoes

[3:48] on...

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] Oh, I assumed it was some sort of wish-granting shoe.

S3

[3:51] No.

[3:52] It's like a...

[3:53] A stick with, like, a little, uh...

[3:57] A pincher at the end of it, so that you can just pinch the back of your shoe and slip

[4:03] it onto your foot without bending over.

Dan McCoy

[4:05] So, basically, it's like a version of those things that have, like, plastic sharks and,

[4:10] like, other creatures.

[4:11] And dinosaur heads on them.

[4:12] Yes.

[4:12] Or robot arms.

[4:13] Yes.

[4:14] For a shoe base.

S3

[4:14] But it's like, do you need help putting on your shoes?

Elliott Kalan

[4:18] So, Gilbert Gottfried is in a production of My Fair Lady.

S3

[4:23] That was my best Gottfried.

[4:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] And, uh, it's named after Houdini, who, of course, was famous for putting his shoes on.

S3

[4:34] Without bending over.

Elliott Kalan

[4:36] That was the amazing thing.

[4:37] People used to come from miles around to see how he put his shoes on.

Dan McCoy

[4:41] Well, in the 80s, Gilbert Gottfried specialized in introducing things where women took their

[4:47] tops off.

[4:48] And now he's specializing in ways that old people can put their shoes on.

S3

[4:52] I suppose an old person could take their top off with a shoe.

[4:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:57] They could doff their top.

[4:58] Yeah.

[4:59] So, that's all a long way around to saying that we watched a movie tonight that was called

[5:04] White Out.

[5:05] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[5:06] Starring...

[5:06] Oh, White Out!

Dan McCoy

[5:08] Mm-hmm.

[5:08] No, I don't worry.

[5:10] We're going to have to pay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:14] Well, not the way you're doing it, actually.

[5:15] It's pretty...

[5:16] It's pretty...

[5:18] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

[5:21] Everyone's watching.

[5:22] Okay.

[5:22] To see what you will do.

[5:24] Now you're...

[5:25] Right?

[5:25] That's the song?

[5:26] Right.

[5:28] I don't...

[5:29] It's multiple...

[5:29] You know, that's that White Out song?

Dan McCoy

[5:31] That's twice the royalties now.

Elliott Kalan

[5:33] That you have to pay.

[5:35] Cha-ching!

[5:36] You're welcome, ASCAP.

Dan McCoy

[5:38] So, Kate Beckinsale was in this film.

[5:42] Yes.

[5:43] Everyone...

[5:43] America's sweetheart, Kate Beckinsale.

Elliott Kalan

[5:45] America's English Rose sweetheart.

Dan McCoy

[5:48] The actress that Amanda turned to us and said, what else has she been in?

Elliott Kalan

[5:53] Well, to be fair, most...

[5:54] Many of her movies...

[5:55] Lately, most of her movies have involved vampires and werewolves.

Dan McCoy

[5:58] Yeah, well, you're married to a guy who co-wrote a book about werewolves, so you should be

[6:02] more familiar with Kate Beckinsale than either of us.

[6:06] If you took any interest in your husband's life.

[6:09] Obviously, she doesn't.

[6:09] I don't remember.

S3

[6:13] Yeah, like...

[6:15] All I know is she wasn't in Twilight or Twilight New Moon.

Elliott Kalan

[6:20] But that could describe the vast majority of actors.

[6:24] A very small percentage of actors.

[6:26] All actors fall into two categories.

[6:27] In Twilight or Twilight New Moon or not.

S3

[6:30] You're saying that if you watch any vampire werewolf movies, he'll know who Kate Beckinsale

[6:38] is, but...

[6:38] Well, it's specific...

[6:39] I'm saying I've watched two of those movies.

Elliott Kalan

[6:42] Good point.

[6:43] She makes a good point.

S3

[6:43] And she wasn't in either of those, so...

[6:45] Fair enough.

[6:46] I don't know what it takes to smoke Kate Beckinsale out of her home.

[6:50] But, barely, you gotta go to more than two vampire werewolf movies.

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] What has she been in?

[6:59] Seriously.

[7:00] She's been in the Underworld series.

[7:01] Never heard of it.

[7:02] She was in Van Helsing.

[7:04] Nope.

[7:05] Earlier in her career...

[7:06] Which also has vampires and werewolves in it.

[7:08] Yeah.

[7:08] She was in Cold Comfort Farm, which has no vampires or werewolves.

[7:11] Haven't seen it.

[7:12] It's a fun movie.

Dan McCoy

[7:14] Serendipity with John Cusack.

[7:15] Oh, I saw that!

Elliott Kalan

[7:17] That's when...

[7:17] You know what that is?

[7:18] That's when fate has a sense of humor.

[7:20] Yeah.

S3

[7:21] When fate is stupid.

Dan McCoy

[7:23] I saw that movie.

[7:24] It's one of those movies where the screenwriter decided to have the characters throw huge roadblocks

[7:30] in the way of their own happiness.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] Actually...

[7:32] Well, it's a movie loosely based on a dessert restaurant, so...

[7:35] Loosely based?

[7:37] I mean, they go there in it.

S3

[7:38] 50% of the film is their famous frozen hot chocolate.

[7:42] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[7:45] 50%?

[7:46] So if it's an hour and a half film, 45 minutes of the running time is that.

Dan McCoy

[7:49] So I'm more interested in how frozen hot chocolate is physically possible than I am in anything

[7:55] that happened in Whiteout.

[7:56] Well, that's serendipity, Dan.

S3

[7:57] You know, there was a bit of foreshadowing in serendipity.

[8:03] Foreshadowing for the movie Whiteout.

Elliott Kalan

[8:06] Exploring.

S3

[8:06] Because the important thing about serendipity is that...

[8:10] When fate has a sense of humor.

[8:12] Um...

[8:14] She loses a glove.

[8:17] And John Cusack finds her glove and gives it to her.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] Oh, snap.

S3

[8:21] And you know when she could have used a glove?

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] When she was out in Antarctica in Whiteout.

[8:26] In the movie Whiteout.

[8:26] Because she lost her gloves and she ended up losing two fingers as a result.

[8:30] Yes.

[8:31] Yeah.

[8:31] So...

[8:31] Should we tell the...

[8:33] We should tell the audience.

[8:34] What little story there is to this stupid film?

[8:36] Yes, please.

[8:37] Uh, not to be biased or anything.

[8:38] Uh, Whiteout tells the tale of Kate Beckinsale, whose name I don't remember in the movie.

[8:43] So we'll call her Kate Beckinsale.

[8:44] Who is the U.S. Marshal who is stationed at the Antarctica Research Center.

[8:49] I guess in case there's a crime that takes place in Antarctica.

[8:53] Uh, she's just about to leave.

[8:55] She's a day away from leaving for somewhere else.

[8:58] Uh, and the reason she was at Antarctica is because she had some trauma in her past involving

[9:02] an arrest she made in Miami.

S3

[9:04] Also involving a cute vest and sleeveless top.

[9:09] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[9:09] And when you, uh, when you have a traumatic experience in a place known for a certain type

[9:14] of weather, you have to go to a place that has the exact opposite type of weather.

Elliott Kalan

[9:17] Exact opposite type of weather.

[9:18] Exactly.

[9:19] Um, so they would, uh, what was I saying?

[9:23] Okay.

[9:23] So she's about to leave.

[9:25] Her only real friend there is Doc, played by Tom Skerritt, who is a doctor.

[9:29] Uh, and, uh-oh, a body's found out in the middle of nowhere.

[9:33] How could it have gotten there?

[9:34] And it was a murder.

[9:36] And this discovery leads her on a trail of intrigue and adventure.

[9:42] And, uh, eventually it turns out it's like a diamond smuggling operation.

[9:46] Yeah.

[9:47] Oh, and along the way she's attacked by a man with an ice axe and she has to open up

[9:52] the door of a place when it's really cold and her gloves aren't on and she loses her fingers

[9:56] as a result.

Dan McCoy

[9:57] Now, Elliot, is it a diamond smuggling operation or is it, um, is it that this has something to

[10:05] do with the prologue where, uh, it happens in 1957 and there's a Soviet plane that someone,

[10:13] someone starts shooting on it for reasons that are not apparent at the time.

[10:17] And the plane crashes.

[10:18] Reasons that are never apparent.

Elliott Kalan

[10:19] It's never apparent.

[10:20] There's a Soviet plane that's carrying diamonds over Antarctica for God knows what reason.

[10:24] And one of the guys starts, I guess the pilots have decided to steal the diamonds.

[10:28] So they start shooting up the plane.

[10:31] Everyone dies and the plane crashes.

[10:33] And then 50 years later, these diamonds are rediscovered by somebody and someone else gets them and then some people decide to do something with them somewhere.

[10:43] And this somehow leads to other people dying and something ends up going on and Kate Beckinsale wanders around in the snow for a long time.

[10:52] And then it turns out it was Doc and Doc kills himself.

Dan McCoy

[10:56] So you would call these diamonds the MacGuffin?

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] I would call them the MacCrappin.

[11:02] Wow.

[11:02] Because this is, this is not a good movie.

[11:04] Crass.

Dan McCoy

[11:05] So, yeah.

[11:06] Um, yeah.

[11:07] No, it's your, it's your typical, uh, whodunit set on Antarctica.

[11:12] Yeah.

S3

[11:12] Sort of.

[11:13] Except, uh, there's a lot of who cares whodunit.

[11:17] How so?

[11:18] I mean, just.

[11:19] Amanda.

[11:19] A body mysteriously appears, I guess, in Antarctica.

[11:25] But, I don't know.

[11:26] I mean, they don't build up a lot of suspense.

[11:29] You don't really care.

Dan McCoy

[11:32] Well, I, part of the problem with this movie, and I don't know whether it was because, um, you know, DVDs are mixed in a weird way or my sound system is weird.

[11:41] But, they put a lot more emphasis on making sure you could hear the wind than any of the dialogue that actually transpired.

[11:49] Just as in the final scene of the film, they put more emphasis on the fact that there was a blinding white snowstorm.

Elliott Kalan

[11:57] As opposed to telling you which of the snowsuit-clad figures is who when they're all fighting.

Dan McCoy

[12:04] And the ones you can dimly see as gray shapes through the snow.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] Yeah.

[12:08] I think they really thought people were excited about snow.

[12:12] And that, uh, and I think they missed their chance because this year snow was very big.

[12:16] Yes.

[12:17] Yeah, maybe that's part of the problem, actually.

S3

[12:19] Maybe if we had seen this movie, you know, in October, we would have thought it was amazing.

[12:27] Yeah.

[12:27] Look at them!

[12:28] Three identical figures in parkas.

[12:31] In the snow!

[12:31] That we can barely see through some snow!

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] Uh, but, yeah, it's not a well-made movie.

[12:38] And, uh, the emphasis seems to be on keeping the audience from understanding what is going on at any given point.

[12:43] Yeah.

S3

[12:44] Yeah, and, okay, so there's a character who is in grave danger who calls Kate Beckinsale.

Elliott Kalan

[12:52] Yes.

[12:52] There's another area that was a Russian camp, a research camp, and there were some geologists who were there who were pulling ice samples out of Antarctica.

[13:03] And one of them calls Kate Beckinsale and says, come over here and you'll understand everything.

S3

[13:09] She's like, what's going on?

[13:10] Just tell me.

[13:11] And he's like, no, you have to come over.

[13:13] And she says, no, really.

[13:14] It's, I would have to go through a whiteout, blizzard.

[13:17] And a whiteout is a blizzard.

[13:19] On the South Pole to get to you.

[13:21] Yeah.

[13:21] And he says, no, you have to come over.

[13:23] And then she comes over and he, you know.

[13:24] And he's dead.

[13:25] He's dead.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] And there's a guy with an ice axe who tries to get you.

S3

[13:27] Why wouldn't he just tell her?

[13:29] Oh, there's a murder.

Dan McCoy

[13:30] Well, Amanda, diamonds are something you really need to see to understand.

[13:34] Yeah, they're forever.

[13:36] You know.

[13:37] It could physically be in the presence of the thing that's.

Elliott Kalan

[13:40] And those were big diamonds when we see them.

[13:41] They're uncut.

[13:42] Do you know how many two-month salaries it would take to buy all those?

[13:46] A lot.

S3

[13:46] So many.

[13:47] Yeah.

[13:48] You know, a lot of kisses are going to begin there.

[13:53] Yeah.

[13:54] Inside that dead guy's sewn together calf.

Elliott Kalan

[13:57] Full of diamonds.

S3

[13:58] Every kiss begins there.

[14:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:00] And also Elizabeth Taylor would point out that these have always given me luck.

[14:05] Meaning white diamonds, of course.

[14:08] And she would pull them from her own calf.

[14:10] She would pull them from her own ear.

S3

[14:12] Because, you see, Doc, Tom Skerritt had been sewing uncut diamonds into dead people's flesh.

[14:19] Bags of them.

Elliott Kalan

[14:20] Yeah.

[14:20] In order to smuggle them out somehow, maybe, I don't know.

[14:24] Yeah.

[14:25] The whole thing, the movie is very uninterested in the movie.

[14:29] Yes.

[14:31] And it's almost like it's trying to lull you to sleep.

[14:33] It's like an action movie that's trying to lull you to sleep.

[14:36] To see if you can, if it can defeat you.

[14:38] You know?

[14:39] Yeah.

[14:39] It's like staying awake is a challenge that the movie has thrown, a gauntlet the movie's thrown down.

Dan McCoy

[14:44] Well, it takes a long time for the parka-clad ski mask.

Elliott Kalan

[14:52] Parka and recreations clad.

[14:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:55] The ski mask-wearing killer with his ice hammer or whatever.

[15:02] It's like an ice axe, I think.

[15:03] Yeah.

[15:04] So he's like the slasher in this film.

[15:06] It takes a long time for him to actually show up in the movie.

[15:10] He's really only in like two scenes.

[15:11] And then they use him very sparingly.

[15:13] Yeah.

[15:14] And then he's almost immediately unmasked as being this goofy Australian guy.

[15:20] Yeah.

[15:20] Who is completely non-threatening without the mask and axe.

S3

[15:24] What was he doing there?

[15:25] How did he get there?

[15:26] See, these are things you would think we...

Elliott Kalan

[15:27] He's one of the pilots who works at the research station.

[15:30] And how did he know about the diamonds?

[15:32] Oh, I don't know.

[15:33] Oh, he was with the group that found the Russian plane that had the diamonds in it, I think.

S3

[15:37] So if a group of geologists sees a bunch of diamonds, they immediately go apeshit and start

[15:43] murdering each other with ice axe.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] Yes.

[15:46] Well, that's the thing.

[15:46] I was almost wondering if like the Russians were carrying like a meteor that drives people

[15:51] crazy or something like that.

[15:53] Like, because it seemed whenever people got around it, they started...

[15:56] They would go into like a murderous rage of some kind, which almost makes like more sense...

[16:00] It makes more sense to me that we'd be watching a movie about a rock that brainwashes people

[16:04] and makes them go crazy than about diamonds where everyone is just like...

[16:08] Diamonds!

Dan McCoy

[16:10] Well, that's sort of what I'm saying.

[16:12] Like, everything ends up being less interesting than it is.

[16:16] Like, you know, you're introduced to this axe-wielding figure and then he's almost immediately demystified

[16:23] as a goofy Australian.

[16:25] Yeah.

[16:25] You know, like you think that maybe there'd be some crazy explanation.

[16:28] Like, no, it's just uncut diamonds.

[16:30] And then at the end, I kind of admire that the movie doesn't have like a big stupid action

[16:36] ending.

[16:37] Yeah, there's no explosions or anything in that scene.

[16:39] But still, at the end, it's kind of like, well, we've uncovered that it's Doc, Tom Skerritt.

[16:44] Now Tom Skerritt is going to do the noble thing and walk into the blizzard and die.

Elliott Kalan

[16:48] It's just like the end of Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow, the Alan Moore Superman

[16:53] story.

[16:54] Sure it is.

[16:55] Is that...

[16:56] Where he literally walks out of his base on Antarctica, seemingly to his doom, as punishment

[17:03] for killing Mr. Mixipiddley.

Dan McCoy

[17:05] Yeah.

[17:06] Except for he doesn't kill himself.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] No, but he's exposed himself to kryptonite that supposedly would kill him.

[17:13] That supposedly he doesn't have his powers so he'd die in the cold.

[17:16] Really, that's not what happens.

[17:17] I'd rather see that movie.

[17:18] Well, it's a really good comic.

[17:19] I recommend it.

S3

[17:20] Oh, it's a comic.

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] Drawn by Kurt Swan, I think.

[17:22] I'm not going to read a comic.

[17:24] You're married to a guy who wrote a book about werewolves.

[17:26] Look, I still have sex.

S3

[17:29] All right?

[17:30] I'm not going to start reading comic books.

[17:34] By the way, when my husband...

[17:35] It's true.

[17:36] We don't reproduce.

Dan McCoy

[17:37] We don't...

[17:37] No.

S3

[17:38] When my husband proposed to me and offered me the diamond that's currently on my finger,

[17:45] I immediately swung at him with an ice axe.

[17:48] Wow, no.

[17:49] That's the effect I'm inside of people.

[17:51] Anytime you're around diamonds.

[17:53] And he also...

[17:53] You can be a mild-mannered geologist.

Elliott Kalan

[17:55] He handed you a man's calf and you opened it and found a diamond ring inside.

[18:00] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[18:01] Yep.

[18:01] Here's something that I wanted to talk about a little bit.

[18:03] I said this during the movie itself that I feel there's two obvious ways you would go with this story.

[18:11] You would not do it.

S3

[18:12] You would say...

[18:13] Or you would make a shitty movie out of it.

[18:14] Kate Beckinsale, show me a better script.

[18:17] One where I raise my voice at least once.

Elliott Kalan

[18:19] One where I don't spend the movie flying from one place to another through snow.

Dan McCoy

[18:24] Kate Beckinsale, by the way, not complaining, but introduced in a movie about wearing a lot of clothes,

[18:30] slowly taking her clothes off, and then taking a shower.

Elliott Kalan

[18:33] Yeah.

[18:33] Well, there should have been more of that.

[18:34] Yeah.

[18:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:37] That's the exploitation instinct that this movie, unfortunately, suppressed for the rest of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] It's almost like they thought they were making a classy movie, but really they were making a piece of garbage.

[18:48] Yeah.

[18:48] So they were like, listen, we'll make it really atmospheric, real quiet.

[18:53] You know, we're not going to draw attention to the unseemier elements of this movie about murders over a diamond robbery.

[18:59] But instead they should have done that, you know.

[19:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:02] But the two ways that I'm talking about is if you're going to have a film about a U.S. marshal solving a crime in Antarctica.

[19:11] And why wouldn't you have that?

[19:13] It's not a bad setup.

[19:14] It's an interesting setup.

[19:15] No, no.

[19:15] Well, tell the two ways you would do it.

[19:17] I would either do it by there's no law force down in Antarctica, because why would there be?

[19:23] It's like the Wild West.

[19:24] There probably is, and that's where they base this on.

[19:27] They probably, like, someone heard, oh, like, Antarctica is a U.S. marshal for some reason.

[19:32] Let's set a mystery there.

[19:32] But most people would think, like, of course there's no police down there, so let's have a murder happen down there.

[19:38] And then we have to send someone who's not used to being in Antarctica.

[19:42] So it's like insomnia.

[19:42] To solve this crime.

[19:44] Exactly.

[19:45] Or you go the other way, and you have a cop who works there because, you know, maybe they're a scientist, maybe they don't want a really, like, taxing job.

[19:56] Yeah.

[19:56] I like it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:57] Science cop.

[19:58] Yeah.

[19:58] But he's not actually, like...

[19:59] What's that movie?

[19:59] Scientific cop.

[20:01] He's not, like, a gritty street cop.

[20:02] She does use science to solve the crime.

[20:04] She looks up a series of printouts that say science on them.

[20:07] Yeah.

[20:08] And then she...

[20:08] And X's right next to them.

[20:10] If X's...

[20:10] She looks up the words that don't have X's next to them, and the word is science, and she uses that

[20:14] to find the bodies with the diamonds.

[20:16] Right.

[20:16] It makes as much sense as what I've just said.

S3

[20:18] And then she compares the sutures on the bodies to the sutures on her three-fingered hand.

[20:25] Yeah.

[20:25] Because she...

[20:26] Tom Skerritt just chopped off two of her fingers.

[20:29] He was in Top Gun.

[20:30] Right.

[20:31] And Alien.

[20:32] Don't forget that.

[20:33] See what I was saying, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[20:34] No, I was saying that, like, you would have a cop who is not used to actual crime because

[20:38] they're a cop in Antarctica.

Elliott Kalan

[20:38] You'd either have someone who's not used to Antarctica and is dealing with that, or a cop who's out of

[20:43] their league because they're not used to solving crime.

Dan McCoy

[20:45] Right.

[20:45] It's what...

[20:46] You know what?

[20:46] You're screening the taking of Pelham 123 tomorrow.

[20:50] Too late for the people...

[20:52] On Wednesday.

[20:53] On Wednesday.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] Well, maybe if you put this up today...

[20:54] I'm not putting it up today.

[20:55] We'll put it up tomorrow.

Dan McCoy

[20:57] Well...

[20:57] It goes up on the weekend, like it always goes up.

[20:59] It will have screened on March 3rd.

[21:00] It will have screened.

[21:01] But the point is, like...

[21:02] Go back in time and see it.

[21:03] You have Walter Matthau there as someone who's a transit cop who's not used to dealing with

[21:08] terrorists.

[21:08] Yeah.

[21:08] And that's what makes it...

Elliott Kalan

[21:09] He doesn't know how to negotiate.

[21:11] Interesting.

[21:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:12] You know, like a guy who's above his head but is dogged and intelligent and makes it, you

[21:18] know, like, solves the case.

Elliott Kalan

[21:20] As opposed to someone who's brought in murderers before but is boring and stupid and also has

[21:26] been living in Antarctica for, I don't know, 80 years by this point.

[21:30] Yeah.

[21:30] She has trauma because...

[21:32] She keeps flashing back to her last case back on the mainland where she was in Miami.

[21:39] Bienvenidos!

[21:40] That's how they say it.

[21:41] Si.

[21:42] And she and her partner captured a criminal of some kind.

[21:46] They never explained what he did or who he was.

Dan McCoy

[21:48] Well, he did have a threatening goatee.

Elliott Kalan

[21:50] Yes.

[21:51] And he looked vaguely Hispanic.

[21:53] And her partner set it up...

[21:55] So drugs is what you're saying.

[21:56] Drugs, right?

[21:57] You have to assume so.

[21:58] And she was attacked by the criminal because her partner had been bribed to let him escape

[22:03] and possibly kill her in the ensuing madness.

[22:08] Right.

[22:08] But she has managed to...

[22:09] She subdues the criminal and her partner pulls a gun and she shoots him so that he falls

[22:14] out of an open window.

[22:15] Well, but let's not gloss over this.

Dan McCoy

[22:17] This was what was really funny to me is the bad guy bribes the other partner to let him

[22:24] go and then the bad guy goes into the bathroom alone to slam her face into a mirror and Kate

[22:31] Bagginsail is able to...

[22:33] Overpower him.

[22:34] Overpower him.

[22:34] And then she exits to find her partner talking on the phone and being like, officer down!

[22:40] Like, the partner didn't go into the bathroom to make sure that this went down correctly.

[22:44] Like, didn't go in to check to make sure that she was actually dead when she was supposed

[22:48] to.

Elliott Kalan

[22:48] Well, the way you do it, too, is that you have the person beat you up and then he escapes.

[22:53] And you say like, oh, I couldn't stop him.

[22:55] He took me...

[22:56] You know, I turned away for a second.

[22:58] You know, so there's an alibi.

[23:00] Yeah.

[23:00] Not an alibi.

[23:01] So that your other partner doesn't get killed or have the shit beat out of her.

[23:06] So while you're standing there with a walkie-talkie and going, oh, I don't know.

[23:09] He escaped.

[23:11] And then when you buy a new car or a big screen TV, there's that much less suspicion on you.

[23:16] Mm-hmm.

[23:17] Right.

[23:19] That makes sense.

[23:20] But she, every time she sees like a bullet wound or anything, she flashes back to this

[23:23] event.

[23:24] And there's a scene where she's sleeping.

[23:27] She's just, she's just fought off the guy with the ice axe for the first time.

[23:30] And she manages to get back inside.

[23:33] They're fighting in the snow.

[23:34] She gets back inside, shuts the door so he can't get in and passes out.

[23:37] And then she flashes back to Miami and to the fight she just had seconds ago.

[23:43] And we see it in brief, you know, all in brief flashes again while she is in bed going,

S3

[23:48] It's the fight so nice they showed it twice.

[23:52] But not even like spaced apart, you know?

[23:54] Immediately afterwards, we get a recap of what just happened, but interspersed or intercut

[24:00] with her Miami fight.

[24:01] Her Miami adventure.

[24:02] So that we understand, oh, she's not that good at being a U.S. marshal.

Elliott Kalan

[24:08] Yeah.

[24:09] There's a reason they sent her to Antarctica.

[24:11] Yeah.

[24:11] Where she has never had to do anything.

S3

[24:13] Yeah.

[24:14] And then also there's a scene where the, this, uh, where's that guy from?

[24:19] Australia.

[24:20] The nice guy?

[24:20] No, no, no.

[24:21] The other guy.

[24:21] Oh, he's from the U.N.

[24:22] The U.N.

[24:22] It's like, well, you know, I'm here investigating because, uh, you know, we've never had a murder

Elliott Kalan

[24:27] in Antarctica before.

[24:29] This could become an international incident somehow.

S3

[24:32] As if, like, all of a sudden, uh, there are going to be tons of murders.

[24:38] And it's like, well, Antarctica's a really bad neighborhood now.

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] Oh, yeah.

[24:43] Well, per capita.

[24:44] Going downhill.

[24:44] Per capita.

[24:45] Right, right, right, right.

[24:46] It was terrible.

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:47] And, uh, and the, uh...

[24:48] It was like genocide.

[24:49] I'm not surprised they sent the U.S. marshal to, who doesn't, isn't very good, to the station

[24:53] because the research station doesn't seem to be very good at being a research station.

[24:57] Everyone, we constantly see people just kind of hanging out.

[25:00] There's a band in Hawaiian shirts that's always playing in the hallway of the research station.

[25:04] It's like an episode of Scrubs.

Dan McCoy

[25:05] They pour a bunch of booze into glasses, getting most of it on the floor.

[25:10] Yeah.

[25:11] They're really, like...

[25:12] It always bothers me in movies, by the way.

[25:13] I'm like, come on, it's perfectly good alcohol that you're just tossing around because you're

[25:17] showing that we're party animals here.

Elliott Kalan

[25:19] Yeah, if you were in that scene, you'd be like, no!

[25:20] You'd be licking the floor to get the booze on.

[25:22] I'd be crying.

[25:23] Yeah.

[25:23] And, uh...

S3

[25:25] And they're using ice samples for the ice in the glass.

[25:28] Million-year-old ice samples.

[25:29] They're, like, serving chips out of a mastodon.

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] Yeah.

[25:34] Well, that happens.

[25:35] Yeah.

[25:35] Well, it's like...

[25:35] There's those people who found a mastodon and they ate it.

[25:38] Well, it's like how, uh...

[25:39] Apparently, I don't think it was very good, but...

Dan McCoy

[25:42] It's like how New York tap water is supposed to be good because of all the tiny crustaceans

[25:47] of them.

Elliott Kalan

[25:47] Is that what does it?

[25:48] Because it is great.

[25:49] Yeah.

[25:49] It is the best tasting water in the world.

Dan McCoy

[25:51] So, um...

[25:53] Mmm.

[25:54] Same thing with old ice.

[25:55] Oh, yeah.

[25:56] Old ice is full of crustaceans.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] But it's just, like...

[25:59] It's supposed to be a research station, but it's, like, full of weird computer displays that

[26:03] don't show you...

[26:04] Just show you nothing but maps or, like, really old-fashioned, like, green on black type.

[26:11] And then there's people just hanging around in shorts and t-shirts, partying.

S3

[26:15] Like...

[26:15] Oh, in the beginning, there's a group of streakers for no reason.

Elliott Kalan

[26:18] Yeah.

[26:19] Through the middle of Antarctica.

[26:20] Yeah.

[26:21] And it's like, there's a scene where Tom Skerritt is trying to teach these guys how to survive

[26:24] in the cold, and they're not wearing enough coats.

[26:26] And he's like, oh, your core temperature has dropped by 97 degrees by now.

[26:31] You're losing motor functions.

[26:32] Like, you're gonna die in a little bit.

[26:35] I'm gonna teach you how to survive.

[26:36] But we've just seen, like, a bunch of guys run naked through Antarctica.

[26:39] So it's like, wait a minute.

[26:41] How could they do it?

[26:42] You know?

[26:43] Well, they're pros, Elliot.

[26:44] I guess so.

[26:45] Yeah, they've got a tough outer shell of skin that keeps the warmth in.

[26:49] I will say that Tom Skerritt is pretty good in this movie.

[26:52] He's very quiet.

[26:53] I always like to see Tom Skerritt get work.

[26:56] Yeah.

[26:56] So we can...

[26:57] Good work, White Out.

[26:58] Thank you for giving Tom Skerritt a paycheck, White Out.

[27:01] Did we have any other stupid things?

Dan McCoy

[27:03] Well, we were talking about how, like, you brought it up a little bit with the computers.

[27:07] Like, how all the computers in the movie either seem to be, like, you know, like, old, like, Commodore 64 style, green on black, or whatever.

[27:18] Or it's like, at the end, Kate Beckinsale sends an email, and after she sends it, there's a big green checkmark that covers about a third of the screen that says, sent.

[27:30] And I don't...

[27:32] You know, do filmmakers not realize that there are personal computers in every house these days?

[27:38] Maybe that's an email program that we just don't...

S3

[27:40] Maybe that's how Net Zero works.

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] Yeah, or, like, Fios.

Dan McCoy

[27:44] Is that a computer or a cable?

[27:46] It's like Juno.

S3

[27:46] Juno.com.

Dan McCoy

[27:47] It might be, like, large print email for, like, people with bad eyes.

[27:51] Or, like, Antarctica mail.

[27:53] That's true.

[27:54] You said that as if it was fun, but there was no pun.

[27:56] No, there was nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[27:57] It wasn't even two words combined into one.

[28:00] It was both words.

[28:01] You just put a pause.

[28:03] In the wrong place.

[28:05] But it's...

[28:05] I mean, you see it in movies a lot, like...

[28:08] Or, like, in...

[28:08] I remember when I Know Who Killed Me, when we watched that, like...

[28:12] It showed that you're using a web search in, like, in a way that doesn't make sense, and the way computers don't work.

[28:18] Like, it's almost like, yeah, they don't trust people to know how computers work.

Dan McCoy

[28:21] Yeah, there was that scene in, what was it?

[28:23] Dragon Ball...

[28:24] No, not Dragon Ball.

[28:25] It was the...

[28:27] Dragon Ball?

[28:27] Shoot, which one was it?

[28:28] I didn't see Dragon Ball.

[28:29] I didn't see Dragon Ball.

[28:29] Chun-Li.

[28:30] Oh, Street Fighter.

[28:31] The Legend of Chun-Li.

[28:32] Where someone does a search...

Elliott Kalan

[28:33] Street Fighter, The Legend of Chun-Li.

[28:35] It would have been a very different movie.

[28:37] Instead of Chun-Li, it's Chun-Li.

Dan McCoy

[28:39] There's a scene where they don't know someone's name, but they do a search for her, apparently, via her face.

[28:46] Well, there are some apps that can do that now.

[28:47] Yeah, but they didn't have, like, a photo of her.

[28:50] Like, I don't know...

[28:51] Like, where did they get the photo in the first place?

Elliott Kalan

[28:53] Yeah, that's true.

[28:53] It seemed to have been that they remembered what her face looks like, and they did a search off of it.

S3

[28:58] Wow.

[28:58] They did a description of it.

[28:59] Can you just draw a sketch into your computer and have it look up that face?

Elliott Kalan

[29:03] I guess so.

[29:03] It would be pretty cool.

S3

[29:04] It would be good.

[29:05] You can find rapists right away.

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] It would be much better than the current way where they don't find them.

Dan McCoy

[29:12] What a grim application for the technology you immediately went to.

Elliott Kalan

[29:15] That's a good application for it.

[29:17] No, it is a good application.

Dan McCoy

[29:18] That couldn't just be rapists.

[29:19] It could be any criminal.

S3

[29:22] Good point.

Dan McCoy

[29:24] Yeah, so there's that.

S3

[29:25] That's the kind of courtesy that Elliot chose all women.

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] Listen, I know women aren't just victims of rape.

[29:32] Sometimes they're...

[29:32] They're victims of other crimes.

[29:34] Theft.

[29:35] Murder.

[29:37] Assault.

[29:38] Now, let's see.

[29:39] Intellectual property rights.

[29:42] Dog napping.

Dan McCoy

[29:44] I mean, the woman isn't the victim of the other dog is.

[29:47] Well, the woman's feelings are the victim.

[29:52] I mean, we don't know that the dog napper isn't treating that dog well.

S3

[29:56] Can I take this moment to bring up another problem I had?

Dan McCoy

[29:59] Sure.

[29:59] With the film Whiteout?

S3

[30:01] Yeah, we should talk about Whiteout.

[30:03] If I had another kind of problem, I'd just draw a face into rapistfind.com.

Elliott Kalan

[30:08] Wow.

[30:09] She has a name already.

[30:10] Is that the name taken?

[30:11] She's going to be approaching venture capitalists after the podcast.

[30:14] It's called rapistfind.com.

[30:15] I think it's the next chat roulette.

[30:17] It's going to be really big.

S3

[30:20] Oh, man.

[30:22] Actually, that's probably a horrible porn site that I don't even...

[30:26] Nobody look into it.

[30:27] Nobody type that into their computer.

[30:29] Don't.

[30:29] It's happening right now.

[30:31] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[30:32] Don't do it.

[30:33] Well, it's not happening right now.

[30:33] It's happening in the future when people are listening to us.

Elliott Kalan

[30:36] Well, right now for them.

[30:38] Yeah.

[30:38] God.

[30:39] It's so weird that we're recording this now and yet in a week when people listen to it,

[30:42] we could all be dead.

[30:44] Wow.

[30:45] You're grim, too.

[30:46] Yeah.

[30:46] Well, I had to go to Amanda's level.

[30:49] I'm trying to get the spirit of this podcast up.

[30:52] Nope.

S3

[30:52] Let's draw the faces of the people we think might murder us.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] Who has wronged us over this past year.

[30:59] So what was your problem with the movie Whiteout?

S3

[31:01] So there's this climactic fight.

[31:03] Oh, Whiteout.

[31:04] Stop it.

[31:05] I told Dan that I like to picture Whiteout as a movie about an addiction to liquid paper

[31:13] corrector starring Edie McClurek's character from Ferris Bueller.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] That would be a great movie.

[31:19] Whiteout.

[31:21] Ed.

[31:22] Oh, Ed.

S3

[31:23] We're all out of Whiteout.

Elliott Kalan

[31:25] We've got to order more.

[31:28] Wow.

[31:29] She's making, she's getting...

S3

[31:30] I've murdered someone with an ice axe.

[31:34] Oh, I shouldn't have done that.

Dan McCoy

[31:35] That's a pretty good yet obscure impression you've got there, Amanda.

S3

[31:39] You know, I had to do it.

[31:41] I don't want to brag to everybody on the internet, but I work in advertising.

[31:45] And one campaign I was working on...

Dan McCoy

[31:49] They were like, we need an Edie McClurek type.

S3

[31:52] Yes!

[31:53] I was like, but I was the one who said that.

Elliott Kalan

[31:55] It was for that serial clergy's?

[31:56] It was...

[31:57] Where clergy goes, I guess.

[32:01] That Kevin Smith movie, Clerks?

[32:08] That's the kind of shoes that they wear in Holland.

S3

[32:10] Oh, you won't believe what just happened in the bathroom.

[32:13] But I wanted one of our talking sponges in our talking sponge campaign to sound like Edie McClurek.

[32:19] And I demonstrated the voice.

[32:21] Nice.

[32:21] For a group of executives.

[32:23] And all I could say was, it's a good Edie McClurek.

Dan McCoy

[32:26] I could probably get Edie McClurek for that role.

S3

[32:28] That's what I was hoping.

Dan McCoy

[32:29] The thing is, now Edie McClurek is listening to this podcast.

[32:33] Oh yeah, she is.

[32:34] She's bemoaning the paycheck she missed out on.

[32:36] I'm sorry, Edie.

Elliott Kalan

[32:37] Yeah, Edie's been a big fan of this podcast for a while.

[32:40] She never misses a cast.

[32:41] Oh!

S3

[32:42] I think the Flophouse is a righteous dude.

[32:46] That's our next promo.

Dan McCoy

[32:49] We'll probably have to pay her.

[32:50] And the state of John Hughes.

[32:52] A lot of money for that.

[32:53] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] There's a state called John Hughes?

[32:55] When did we make John Hughes a state?

[32:58] We got 50 of them.

[32:59] We don't need a 50-verse.

[33:01] Puerto Rico's been waiting for so long.

[33:03] Give them a shot.

[33:04] It's just outside of Chicago.

S3

[33:06] It's just one high school in Chicago.

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] And they're their own state.

[33:10] Wow.

S3

[33:11] But wait.

[33:12] Okay, so my problem.

[33:13] My problem.

[33:13] With Edie McClurek.

[33:13] So there's this big fight.

[33:16] Big fight.

[33:17] And it's between...

[33:18] Betwixt.

[33:19] Three people in identical parkas in a thick coating of snow.

[33:27] So we don't know who is who.

[33:28] We just don't know.

[33:29] Mm-hmm.

[33:30] Why couldn't someone have been wearing...

[33:33] A red parka.

[33:35] Like a red parka.

[33:36] Or a hat.

[33:37] Yeah, a hat.

[33:38] Or like a scarf that's blowing out behind them.

[33:42] Or like a name tag on the back of their parka.

[33:46] Like give one of the men a beard.

[33:47] Yeah.

[33:48] Like that flows out over the parka.

[33:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:50] They must make it Santa.

[33:51] It's like watching any fight scene in one of the Transformers movies.

[33:54] You're like, well, there are two robots fighting.

[33:57] I don't know which one is which or why I should care.

[34:00] Yeah.

[34:00] But it sure is happening.

[34:03] The other problem with all the fight scenes is like they all take place along one of these ropes.

[34:08] Guide ropes.

[34:08] These guide ropes.

[34:09] Which is...

[34:09] It could be cool if it was done differently, but...

[34:12] Yeah, well.

[34:13] I just kept watching it thinking like, okay, well, all of these buildings are close enough to each other

[34:21] that I feel like if you were in a life or death situation, you would let go of the rope.

[34:25] You wouldn't take the time to actually buckle yourself to the rope.

S3

[34:29] But if you let go of the rope, you'd get blown away.

[34:31] Yeah, but in the...

[34:32] White out.

[34:33] You were supposed to do the...

[34:35] Wow!

[34:36] White out.

Elliott Kalan

[34:37] Thank you.

[34:38] Do, do, do, do, do, do.

[34:38] I don't want to work.

[34:40] I just want to bang on the...

[34:42] That's how it goes, right?

Dan McCoy

[34:43] I don't think so.

[34:44] Three songs.

[34:45] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] R-O-C-K in the USA.

[34:49] R-O...

[34:50] I haven't said that one in a while.

[34:51] Okay.

[34:51] That was my catchphrase briefly.

[34:53] Mm-hmm.

[34:53] By briefly, I mean for about seven months.

Dan McCoy

[34:57] Everyone was saying it.

[34:58] All the Flophouse.

[34:59] Oh, yeah.

[35:00] The Flophouse message boards lit up with people quoting you.

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] Well, the Flophouse talking dolls that we released.

[35:05] Mine said that.

[35:06] Yours said, you pulled the string and it went,

[35:08] Ah.

[35:09] And when you pulled Stuart's string, it was his penis.

[35:14] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[35:17] And he said, watch it, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[35:20] Something like that, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:22] Yep.

[35:24] So, if you want to buy one of those Flophouse talking dolls...

Elliott Kalan

[35:27] If you want to buy one of those...

[35:28] Manufacture it.

[35:29] And then sell it to yourself.

[35:31] Give us a cut.

S3

[35:33] I hate talking dolls where you pull the string and then you realize it's Stuart's penis.

[35:37] That's the way it works.

[35:39] You should be able to figure that out before you pull it.

Elliott Kalan

[35:42] The least the doll can do is be up front with you.

[35:44] Yeah.

[35:45] I know.

[35:46] It reminds me of the heyday of, for some reason, of Freddy Krueger

[35:50] when there was a Freddy Krueger talking doll for children.

[35:53] And no one seemed to think that the character of a hideously disfigured child molester

[35:58] who murders children might not be the best character to make a talking doll for seven-year-olds.

[36:04] What did he say?

[36:04] It was like, sweet dreams, you know, and like, Freddy's here, you know.

[36:09] I'm going to molest you.

[36:12] I'm a victim of mob justice.

S3

[36:14] I had a temp job once where I worked...

[36:18] At Freddy's office?

[36:19] Yes.

[36:19] Wow.

[36:19] That was the worst.

Elliott Kalan

[36:21] Awkward.

[36:22] Collating dreams.

Dan McCoy

[36:26] Collating dreams.

[36:28] That's the next Oprah's book collection.

[36:32] What was the temp job?

S3

[36:34] I was working at Discovery Toys.

[36:37] But I was working, like, for the people who decided which toys the Discovery Channel would

[36:43] be selling or whatever.

[36:44] Wow.

[36:44] And so they had a closet of all their Steve Irwin dolls.

[36:47] This was before he died.

[36:50] Oh, okay.

[36:50] And they were like, Amanda, we need you...

[36:52] We don't know what we have, so we need you to go into the closet and, like, press the button

[36:58] on each and every Steve Irwin doll and catalog what they're saying.

[37:04] It was like...

[37:05] So I just had to go into this closet by myself and, like, g'day, mate.

[37:10] Ah, that's a feisty Sheila.

[37:12] Just, you know...

Elliott Kalan

[37:14] Wow.

[37:14] Yep.

[37:15] Writing it down.

[37:15] That is the most amazing job I've ever heard of.

[37:17] That sounds great.

[37:18] Yep.

S3

[37:20] I wouldn't do that if I were you.

[37:23] Not one time did I pull something and find out of Steve Irwin's penis.

Elliott Kalan

[37:27] Well, that's good.

[37:28] Not one time.

[37:28] I just imagine the one...

[37:30] You press dozens of Steve Irwin dolls that are normal and one that's possessed by a killer

[37:34] spirit.

[37:35] And it says scary things, but then you're like, watch out for stingrays!

S3

[37:38] Yeah.

[37:39] Just move on.

[37:40] Oh, Steve Irwin doll.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] Oh.

[37:42] Sorry.

[37:43] How prescient.

[37:44] Yep.

[37:46] So, guys...

[37:46] When you said Steve Irwin doll, what I thought at first was Steve Urkel doll, I was like,

[37:50] why did Discovery Channel have all these Steve Urkel dolls?

[37:54] Well, he made the Urkelbot.

[37:56] And the jetpack, the miniaturization ray, the time machine.

[38:00] He was quite an amazing scientist.

[38:02] Yeah, the machine that turned him into Stefan Urkel, the cool version.

[38:05] He was a very good scientist.

Dan McCoy

[38:06] Yeah, he was way ahead of any technology we actually have today.

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] If only he could have turned his studies to curing cancer, as opposed to building a robot

[38:16] of himself that could work at a convenience store.

S3

[38:20] Did he have that realization and look within and say, did I do that?

Dan McCoy

[38:27] Elliot Necessity is the mother of invention.

Elliott Kalan

[38:30] No, Frank Zappa is the mother of invention.

[38:31] Oh.

[38:33] Well, I learned something new.

[38:35] So...

[38:35] So you're saying, wait, that he needed a robot of himself.

[38:39] He needed someone to cover a shift.

[38:42] Oh, yeah.

[38:43] Because I can imagine...

[38:44] Urkel is in the lab and he goes, at last, another one of perfect beauty like me.

Dan McCoy

[38:50] If he was diagnosed with a...

Elliott Kalan

[38:52] My perfect form reproduced in metal.

Dan McCoy

[38:54] If he was diagnosed with a terrible disease, he would have probably cured it.

[38:58] That's how we could have saved things, if we could have found some way of giving Urkel

[39:02] a disease.

[39:02] Yeah.

S3

[39:03] I think this discussion would have been more pertinent if we had watched surrogates.

Elliott Kalan

[39:07] Yeah.

[39:08] We should have watched surrogates.

[39:09] Less snow.

Dan McCoy

[39:11] All right.

[39:12] Well, I think it's time to put a cap on this discussion of Whiteout and give our...

[39:18] Cap on the Whiteout?

Elliott Kalan

[39:19] I get it.

[39:19] Oh, yeah.

[39:20] Because it's the thing you put on the bottle of the thing.

[39:24] Whiteout.

Dan McCoy

[39:25] And do our final judgments on it.

[39:27] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

[39:28] Very quickly, because I don't think we have much to say.

[39:31] But the categories, as always, are, was this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a

[39:36] movie that you actually kind of liked in some way?

[39:38] Amanda, go.

S3

[39:39] Oh, my God.

[39:41] Terrible.

[39:42] It was terrible.

[39:43] I thought this movie was boring and terrible.

[39:46] And they should have marketed it as a movie about diamonds.

Dan McCoy

[39:51] And then...

[39:52] A sequel to Blood Diamond.

[39:53] Yes.

[39:54] Yes, no diamonds.

S3

[39:54] Really cold, leg diamonds.

Elliott Kalan

[39:56] It's a sequel to Blood Diamonds and Snow Dogs.

S3

[40:00] They pull a bag of diamonds out of someone's leg, and at no point do we yell out, legs,

[40:07] diamonds.

Elliott Kalan

[40:09] That's a good point.

[40:10] Oh, do over.

[40:11] We better watch the movie again.

[40:13] Yeah.

[40:13] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] I have it for 24 hours, guys.

[40:16] Oh, good.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Oh, that is 24 hours too much.

[40:20] Elliot, what do you mean?

[40:21] I would call it a bad, bad movie.

[40:23] I think this is...

[40:24] This was, for me, I think the most boring movie we've watched.

[40:27] More than 10,000 BC or Seven Pounds, which I actually had less trouble watching than you

[40:34] guys did.

[40:35] Right.

Dan McCoy

[40:36] Early on, when I was watching this movie, I'm like, hey, you know what, this might not

[40:40] be so bad.

[40:41] It's got Tom Skerritt in it.

[40:43] I don't think that Kate Beckinsale has good choices in movies, but she's certainly a pretty

[40:49] woman.

[40:50] A good looking...

[40:51] And it opened with her stripping down to her underpants.

[40:53] Yeah, that was a good sign.

[40:54] Sports bra.

[40:56] Well, but very small briefs, though.

S3

[40:59] She was very fetching in her panties and sports bra.

Dan McCoy

[41:05] That should be a greeting card.

[41:06] You were very fetching in your panties and sports bra.

[41:10] But, um...

[41:11] And the premise, I thought...

[41:12] Happy First Communion.

[41:15] Is that inappropriate?

[41:17] If you ever get that card, run.

[41:19] You're the way of the Gentiles, Elliot.

[41:22] No, of...

[41:22] I assume that's something that old people do.

[41:25] So, yeah, but the premise, too, not bad.

[41:28] You know, like someone is going to have to solve a murder at Antarctica.

Elliott Kalan

[41:32] The idea of a murder on Antarctica is not bad, but everything else is terrible.

Dan McCoy

[41:36] But, yeah, but then the movie slowed way down, and all the mysteries were solved way too

[41:41] quickly, and it was just boring.

Elliott Kalan

[41:43] It felt like watching a particularly bad point-and-click video game, where it's like, uh-oh,

[41:49] now you have to go to the other base.

[41:51] Fly there.

[41:52] You found an object.

[41:53] It's an ice axe.

[41:55] Ugh.

[41:56] You know.

[41:57] What will you do with it?

[41:58] Use on door.

[42:00] You know, and stuff like that.

[42:02] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[42:03] Maybe, maybe, maybe you've discovered the way that they can make back a little money

[42:07] on this property.

[42:09] The Whiteout.

[42:10] Adventure game.

Elliott Kalan

[42:11] Hey, remember that movie no one liked from a couple years ago?

[42:13] Well, now here's a video game based on it.

Dan McCoy

[42:15] You go back in time and get Sierra to put it out.

S3

[42:19] Except, in every scene in the video game, Kate Beckinsale would be in her panties and

[42:24] sports bra.

[42:25] Oh, of course.

Elliott Kalan

[42:26] For no reason.

[42:27] No, for very good reason.

S3

[42:27] And she'd have all of her fingers.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] Probably.

[42:30] Yeah.

[42:30] Well, maybe, like, if you make a wrong choice, you lose the finger.

[42:34] It isn't.

[42:34] I mean, there is something ballsy about a movie starring a beautiful woman where, at

[42:38] a certain point, she loses two of her fingers, and they're just gone.

[42:42] Like, they don't come back, you know.

[42:44] But there's also something...

Dan McCoy

[42:45] She has no lizard DNA.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] She's not Kurt Connors.

[42:49] Yeah.

[42:49] But it's still not...

[42:50] It doesn't make it a good movie.

[42:51] It's just an interesting choice for them to go through with.

Dan McCoy

[42:54] Well, that was by far the most effective scene when she had to have her fingers amputated.

[42:58] Yeah.

[42:59] So, uh...

[43:01] I guess watch that scene.

Elliott Kalan

[43:03] We know what Dan likes in movies is women in their underpants and women getting their

[43:06] fingers cut off.

Dan McCoy

[43:08] I'm the guy from Saw.

[43:10] Anyway.

[43:11] So, we have one letter to read.

[43:14] Just one?

[43:15] I like letters.

[43:16] Yeah.

[43:16] This is from my internet love, Ashley.

[43:20] A woman who wrote in to reassure me that you and Stuart weren't the only...

Elliott Kalan

[43:28] The only flop studs?

Dan McCoy

[43:30] That's very nice.

[43:31] This is an entry in my Give Dan a Hook contest.

[43:36] Oh, okay.

[43:37] It says, Hook and Closed.

[43:39] Dan, how is there even a question of your hook?

[43:42] Obviously, it's those mournful sighs.

[43:45] Funny, because it's true.

[43:47] Keep going.

[43:47] Just like you said about my doll.

[43:49] Yeah.

[43:49] My Flophouse doll.

[43:51] When Stuart says something grotesque, when you're trying to get the conversation back

[43:55] on track, or just when the full realization of how terrible a movie was sets in, it's trademark

[44:01] Dan.

[44:02] Don't fight it.

[44:03] Embrace it.

[44:04] It's either that or conduct all future podcasts as Michael Caine.

Elliott Kalan

[44:08] I can see that.

[44:09] So, with your Dan McCoy sigh guy.

[44:11] Mm-hmm.

[44:12] Oh, let's hear one.

[44:16] It's pretty good.

[44:17] Yeah.

[44:18] It's pretty good.

[44:18] I really believed you were unhappy with your life and the way it's going.

Dan McCoy

[44:21] Well, it's a constant baseline of displeasure that I'm able to draw on.

[44:26] It's like a superpower.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:28] The sighs are part of you.

[44:30] Like, if you were a Broadway show, you'd be Miss Saigon.

[44:32] Oh, God.

[44:34] You're just trying to draw the body now.

S3

[44:38] I think Dan should be a psychiatrist.

[44:40] Yeah, that's pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[44:41] If he was a singer at Jabba the Hutt's barge, he would be Psy Snoodles.

[44:46] Keep them coming.

[44:47] Come on.

[44:50] If Iwe was a movie of a retro-futuristic film, it would be Psy Captain and the World of Tomorrow.

[44:55] Mm-hmm.

[44:56] Good.

S3

[44:56] If he was going to measure earthquakes, he would, well, he would just be a seismologist.

[45:02] Yeah.

[45:03] I didn't really bring a lot to that one.

[45:04] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[45:05] If he was from what the ancient Romans called Gaul, he would be a packet of French sighs instead of French fries.

[45:12] All right.

[45:13] So.

[45:14] And if he was a pig, he would live in a pig sigh.

Dan McCoy

[45:19] Well, that was a whole lot of nothing.

[45:21] Anyway, let's move on.

[45:23] I appreciate the hook, though, even though it makes me out to be even sadder than before.

[45:30] Let's move on to the final.

Elliott Kalan

[45:32] So is that hook contest still open?

Dan McCoy

[45:33] Well, I don't, we haven't talked about how we're going to decide the winner, so I guess it is by default.

[45:42] Here's a terrible truth about the Flophouse.

[45:44] We don't discuss the mechanics of these things off the air because we forget to.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] Yep.

[45:49] Well, we're busy people.

[45:50] Mm-hmm.

[45:51] Me with my Emmy-winning career and you guys with whatever it is you do.

[45:55] Oh, my God.

[45:55] Wow.

[45:57] Wow.

[45:57] Then my new hook is I'm a jerk.

S3

[45:59] Name-dropping jerk.

Elliott Kalan

[46:01] Yeah.

[46:01] I dropped the name of an award.

S3

[46:03] I know, but earlier, before when we were not recording, you mentioned Anne Hathaway.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] No, I didn't, though.

[46:09] Dan mentioned her as if I...

[46:11] Are your best friends.

[46:12] No, not at all.

[46:13] Barely know her.

[46:14] Okay.

[46:15] Not going to drop names.

[46:17] Okay.

[46:17] Not that name, anyway.

Dan McCoy

[46:19] Yeah, but I think that we should keep it open one more round just because we haven't figured

[46:26] that out entirely.

[46:28] And if we...

Elliott Kalan

[46:28] Would that be seven rounds?

[46:30] Or 12 rounds?

[46:31] Like the movie 12 rounds?

S3

[46:33] We never...

[46:34] I want a hook.

[46:35] If I had a hook on the show, it would be that...

[46:37] Oh, you're a girl.

[46:38] I live nearby.

[46:39] Yeah.

[46:40] You're ready to go.

[46:40] And I am available at the last minute.

[46:43] I conveniently live very close to Dan.

Dan McCoy

[46:46] No, you know...

[46:48] No, you don't figure it out.

[46:50] Okay.

[46:51] I was gonna...

[46:52] I was going to...

[46:53] For the benefit of the audience who doesn't know you, you're a stand-up of many years,

[46:58] and you've written for...

[46:59] I'm an old stand-up.

S3

[47:01] I'm a really wizened...

[47:03] She's a shriveled old lady.

Dan McCoy

[47:05] Yes.

[47:06] And you've written for various television programs.

[47:09] You can't see it, but...

[47:10] Like...

[47:11] The jokes she tells come out of a match of wrinkles.

[47:13] I wrote for Sid Caesar.

[47:14] Yeah, I wrote for Burns and Allen.

[47:16] Listen, Cy and the Family Stone.

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] I just wanted to get that one out.

[47:20] Cy and the Family Stone.

[47:21] That's pretty good.

[47:24] Cy-clops.

[47:25] Yeah, well, you're the Cy-clops of the group.

[47:27] Kind of boring.

[47:28] The leader.

[47:28] Holds it all together.

[47:29] No one likes him.

[47:30] He's no one's favorite.

S3

[47:31] Really?

[47:32] Is that what Cy-clops is known for?

[47:33] I thought it was just the one-eye thing.

Elliott Kalan

[47:35] No, he is known for being the X-man no one cares that much about.

[47:39] Oh.

[47:40] He's the Leonardo of the group, as we always say.

[47:43] Another one.

[47:44] Everyone's least favorite Ninja Turtle.

[47:46] Gotcha.

Dan McCoy

[47:47] The Luke Cy-walker, if you will.

Elliott Kalan

[47:49] Yeah, that's pretty good.

[47:51] All right.

[47:52] So, let's move on.

[47:53] You're the James Madison of the group, if we were the Founding Fathers.

[47:56] Very important, but no one really cares for him.

[47:59] He cares for him.

Dan McCoy

[48:00] So, let's move on to the final segment of the show, which is where we recommend things that

[48:06] we actually liked.

[48:08] Impossible.

[48:09] In order to take the bitter taste of failure out of all of your mouths.

[48:14] So, I'll start for once.

[48:17] I saw the movie In the Loop recently, which is...

[48:21] I'd like to see that.

[48:22] Not a movie that I feel like needs my critical support, because it is an Oscar-nominated for

[48:30] Best Adapted Screenplay film.

[48:33] And it was on a lot of 10 Best of the Year lists.

[48:36] But it's extremely funny.

[48:38] And it also...

[48:41] For the first half of the movie, it's one of the funniest comedies I've seen in years.

[48:47] Then, for the next quarter, it turns into almost like a political thriller.

[48:52] And then it's just devastatingly depressing while still being funny.

[48:56] But it's one of these movies where I had it from Netflix, and I sort of immediately wished

[49:00] I owned it.

[49:01] Because the density of jokes in it is so great.

[49:06] And many of them are just sort of thrown away and tossed off.

[49:09] And you could re-watch it, I feel like, multiple times and still get a lot out of it.

[49:14] Hmm.

[49:14] Sounds pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[49:15] I'd like to see that movie.

Dan McCoy

[49:18] Amanda, do you have anything racked up?

S3

[49:21] Oh, yeah.

[49:21] I recently rented Coco Before Chanel, which I would recommend.

[49:29] It's the story of Coco Chanel.

Elliott Kalan

[49:32] Is that the one with Audrey Tattoo?

[49:33] Or is that someone else?

[49:34] Whee!

S3

[49:35] Audrey Tattoo is adorable.

[49:40] And pretty much everyone could just look at her for a couple hours.

[49:43] And it just so happens that while you're looking at her, she's acting out the story of Coco Chanel.

[49:50] She's not just lying around reading a magazine and cooking an egg.

[49:53] Part of the time she is, but it's Coco Chanel reading a magazine.

[49:57] Oh, I see.

[49:59] And I recommend it even though I'm not sure if it's pronounced biopic or biopic.

[50:06] Is it biopic?

Elliott Kalan

[50:07] I say biopic, but other people say biopic.

[50:10] Okay.

[50:11] Biopic sounds to me like myopic.

[50:13] Yeah.

[50:13] It sounds like there's two optics.

[50:15] Yeah.

[50:15] Two op, exactly.

[50:17] Whereas biopic, it's like, oh, it's a moving picture.

[50:19] That's a biography.

[50:20] Because you don't say, well, no.

[50:23] You do say that.

S3

[50:25] I was trying to say.

Dan McCoy

[50:26] Ladies and gentlemen, Amanda's having an argument with herself inside her own brain.

Elliott Kalan

[50:30] It's just like a movie identity.

S3

[50:32] That really plays well over the internet radio.

[50:36] Yeah.

[50:37] Internal conversations.

[50:38] Yeah, quiet.

[50:39] Quiet does.

[50:40] That's sort of the whiteout of radio commentary.

Elliott Kalan

[50:44] It makes the listener lean in as if they can hear your thoughts.

[50:47] And turn the volume up because they think it's broken.

S3

[50:50] What is it?

[50:51] What happened to Amanda?

[50:52] She's their neighbor.

[50:53] I don't know.

[50:54] She's very old.

[50:56] Nice that they let that old neighbor join them.

Dan McCoy

[50:59] That'll be the next contest.

[51:00] Solve the mystery of what happened to Amanda.

S3

[51:03] She was about to recommend Coco before Chanel and then...

Elliott Kalan

[51:07] The lights went out.

[51:08] When they turned on again, she was gone.

S3

[51:10] She was found sewn inside a dead body's calf.

[51:15] That's how small I am.

[51:17] I didn't mention that.

Elliott Kalan

[51:18] Oh, yeah.

[51:18] She's also tiny.

[51:20] She's like a gnome.

[51:22] An old neighborly gnome.

[51:26] Anyway, Elliot.

[51:28] I think I will make this an international recommendations session.

[51:32] Your movie's from England, right?

[51:33] And Coco before Chanel is a French film, right?

[51:35] Oh, yes.

[51:35] It's in French.

[51:36] I forgot to mention.

[51:37] And has anyone recommended Thirst on the show yet?

[51:40] No.

[51:40] I don't think so.

[51:41] I saw recently Thirst, Chan-wook Park's vampire film, which I didn't think was perfect.

[51:52] It's a little too long and it kind of takes a while to get where it's going.

[51:55] But there's a lot of really good scenes to it.

[51:57] And it's almost less of a vampire horror movie than a kind of weird film noir involving vampire powers.

[52:06] Like, it's much more a story about a man who falls afoul of a femme fatale and he happens to be a vampire and she wants to become one than it is, you know, about, you know, like, Twilight type stuff.

[52:20] But there are a lot of really good gross scenes in it.

[52:22] And I liked the ending of it a lot.

[52:25] And while it wasn't my favorite of his films, he also did, like, Old Boy and Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance and Lady Vengeance.

[52:34] I thought it was an interesting twist on the normal vampire stuff.

Dan McCoy

[52:39] Well, I literally have that in a Netflix envelope on my shelf right now.

[52:44] So I will look forward to watching that.

Elliott Kalan

[52:46] I'll be interested to see what you think of it afterwards.

Dan McCoy

[52:48] I've been putting it off because I haven't had enough time to sit down and pay attention to something that has subtitles where I actually have to look at the screen for the full movie.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] Yeah, it's a little, it's over two hours, too, which is, it's a little long, but there's some, there's some good blood scenes and things like that.

[53:05] All right.

[53:06] Good blood scenes.

[53:07] Oh.

[53:08] I know Amanda likes that.

S3

[53:09] Yeah.

[53:10] Fewer of those in Cocoa before Chanel.

[53:12] But there's still some.

Elliott Kalan

[53:13] I mean, like, it reveals how Chanel used to kidnap people and put them in a torture chamber and make them make hard decisions.

Dan McCoy

[53:19] Well, she's like Lady Bathory.

[53:21] Like, that's how, you know, that's how her cosmetics keep people young.

[53:26] Mm-hmm.

[53:26] Oh, yeah.

[53:26] The blood of virgins.

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] The blood of virgins.

[53:27] Like in that movie that, it was an Uwe Boll movie, right?

[53:31] Uwe Boll?

[53:32] Uwe Boll.

[53:33] Was it called, like, Blood Rain or something?

[53:35] Oh, yeah.

S3

[53:36] It's a lot like that.

[53:37] Blood Bath?

[53:38] She uses the blood of virgins to make tasteful suits.

[53:42] Wow.

[53:42] Really?

[53:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:43] Well, that's very nice.

[53:45] And little dresses, right?

[53:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:48] And so forth.

[53:50] Murder.

[53:52] Well, guys, we gotta wrap it up on that sort of weak, desultory note.

Elliott Kalan

[54:01] Jeez.

[54:02] Be ever confident, Dan McCoy.

[54:04] Thanks a lot.

[54:05] Sigh us out of this one, huh?

[54:07] Yeah.

[54:07] We're running out of time.

[54:08] Sigh Masterson.

Dan McCoy

[54:10] Nice.

[54:11] You saved it at the last minute.

[54:12] Good work.

[54:13] Barely.

[54:14] So, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[54:18] I've been Amanda Melson.

[54:19] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[54:22] Good night.

[54:26] In three.

[54:29] He says, in three.

[54:31] And instead of saying two, takes a sip of water.

[54:35] You have to wait for those numbers, I guess.

S3

[54:39] You know who never gets to do the countdown?

[54:41] It's Kate Beckinsale's character.

Elliott Kalan

[54:43] No.

[54:44] No, she can count down from three.

[54:47] Two.

S4

[54:48] One.

[54:49] Three.

The Flop House_ Episode #56 - Whiteout

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