The Flop House: Episode #58 - Twilight: New Moon

Dan McCoy

[0:00] First vampires, now werewolves. Is there any monster they can't ruin by making it sexy?

[0:07] We discuss Twilight New Moon.

Stuart Wellington

[0:30] The Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] Well, nerdier. That's what we've learned tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05] Hey, Bacula sounds like Dracula. That's a good lead-in.

Dan McCoy

[1:10] Well, the Segway. Dr. Segway has a good transition for us.

[1:15] Well, now that Elliot's done reacting to that Segway in the corner of the room.

[1:18] I'm not quite done yet. Whoa! Blew me away.

[1:22] We should talk about the film that we watched tonight, which was Twilight colon New Moon.

[1:28] I thought it was the Twilight Saga colon.

[1:30] I thought it was Twilight Tharp, the choreographer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33] No, that's good. I like it.

Dan McCoy

[1:35] No, we watched a film, one of the many films involving both Dracula's and werewolves.

[1:42] Dracula's and Larry Talbot's.

[1:44] Yeah, Wolfman's.

[1:45] Wolfman's.

[1:46] There's a lot of Wolfman's in this movie.

[1:48] Oh, so many Wolfman's.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] Multiple man wolves.

[1:50] Should we...

[1:52] Because this movie is kind of a big deal, right?

[1:55] Like, it made a bunch of money.

[1:56] It made a lot of money. It was a huge release.

[1:57] Oh, yeah. I wanted to clarify, actually, up top.

[1:59] No.

Dan McCoy

[2:00] The thing about the Flophouse.

[2:00] Up top.

[2:01] Sure.

[2:03] There's a high five.

[2:04] People often get confused about the premise of the Flophouse because it's called the Flophouse.

[2:09] And they get very hung up on the idea of...

[2:13] Like, are we in a house? Do drifters sit there?

[2:15] Well, no.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] Do we sell pancakes?

Dan McCoy

[2:17] Sure.

[2:17] That wasn't where I was going.

[2:18] I was going with the idea of the flop and what it means to be a flop.

[2:22] Okay.

[2:22] And people like to point out, on occasion, that films...

[2:28] That the movies we see were actually successful.

[2:30] Yeah, financially successful.

[2:32] And Twilight New Moon.

[2:33] Such as Olden Dogs.

[2:34] Agent Dogs.

[2:35] Huge hit.

[2:36] And 10,000 BC.

[2:37] Well, no, not that one.

[2:39] But Old Dogs and Twilight New Moon, which we watched tonight, was a huge film.

Elliott Kalan

[2:46] Big financial success.

[2:47] A lot of buzz.

Stuart Wellington

[2:49] And what I say to that is...

[2:50] Like a literal blockbuster.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Yeah, the amount of money it made was enough to destroy a block of cement.

[2:57] If you dropped it on top of it.

[2:58] Yeah, probably.

[2:59] Yeah, in pennies.

[3:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:01] Well, what I always say about that is that we watch movies that are financial flops.

[3:06] We also watch movies that were critical flops.

[3:09] But even more so than that, in the words of Wayne's World, it's just a clever name.

[3:14] It's a name that, in fact, I'm kind of angry in retrospect that we use because it's caused so much grief.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] That's a good name.

[3:21] What else were we going to call it?

[3:22] Bad Movie Guys?

Dan McCoy

[3:23] Oh, man.

[3:23] That was such a long list.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] I mean, when I...

[3:26] I wasn't there during the founding stages of the show.

Dan McCoy

[3:29] Yeah, years ago, like, my working title of this...

[3:31] It was really years ago.

[3:33] That's the fucking sad thing.

[3:35] My working title in my brain of the podcast was just simply Bad Movie Night, which is simple.

[3:41] It's clear.

[3:42] It's not a particularly clever name, but it gets it across.

[3:45] No, it's good.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] I mean, can we...

Dan McCoy

[3:46] Can we change it?

[3:48] No, it's too late.

[3:48] No, there's a lot of brand identity connected to the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] Only when it turns out that podcasts cause lung cancer should we change the name.

Dan McCoy

[3:57] Yeah, but the point is, like, I googled Bad Movie Night and there were already a few things

[4:02] by that name, even so.

[4:04] Well, there's stuff called the Flophouse.

[4:06] Really?

[4:07] Probably.

[4:08] I do know that if you Google...

[4:10] Can't back that one up, huh?

[4:11] No.

[4:12] If you Google Flophouse and podcast, there's apparently, like, a podcast that does jazz music

[4:20] out of Boston.

[4:21] And it's called the Flophouse?

[4:22] It's called the Flophouse Sessions.

Elliott Kalan

[4:24] Oh.

[4:25] They mean Flophouse in the old-fashioned way of a house for itinerant vagrants, probably.

Stuart Wellington

[4:30] Right.

[4:30] Well, I just like to think...

[4:31] I was going to say vagrants, too.

[4:33] We're really connected tonight, aren't we?

[4:35] A mystical connection.

Dan McCoy

[4:36] Must have been that sex you had earlier.

[4:37] I like to think that there are a bunch of Boston jazz fans who have found our podcast looking

[4:44] for that other show.

Elliott Kalan

[4:45] Maybe, because it's the movies we don't see.

[4:48] What?

[4:48] Just like in jazz.

[4:49] Right.

[4:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:52] A material.

[4:53] I think it might be important to address that at least...

[4:58] That I went into this movie without having seen the first movie.

[5:02] Me also.

[5:03] Or reading any of the books these movies are based on.

Dan McCoy

[5:06] And I watched the first movie earlier this week as research for this podcast.

[5:13] In like a screening room or a theater?

Elliott Kalan

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] He rented out the Miramax screening room.

Dan McCoy

[5:17] I watched it on my iPhone on the subway.

[5:19] Oh, okay.

[5:20] On the subway.

[5:20] So...

[5:21] But I thought at least one of us should have seen the first movie.

Elliott Kalan

[5:23] So you saw it in 20-minute chunks.

[5:25] Yep.

[5:25] And you were wearing like...

[5:27] Well, no.

Dan McCoy

[5:27] I have a commute up to Harlem.

[5:30] Commute?

[5:31] I...

[5:31] Well, that's what I call it when I'm on the subway with a lot of communists.

[5:36] I see.

Elliott Kalan

[5:37] But probably you were distracted because while you're watching, you're playing the game of

[5:40] like, if this subway car was a desert island, which woman would I have sex with?

[5:44] Who would we eat?

[5:45] You know, who would we kick off the island?

Dan McCoy

[5:46] I actually do play that game fairly frequently.

[5:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] Well, I'm sure.

[5:49] Everybody does.

Dan McCoy

[5:50] But...

[5:50] No, no.

[5:51] I...

[5:51] Yeah, no.

[5:52] I watched it in about...

[5:53] What game?

[5:54] I watched it in about 35-minute chunks.

[5:57] And I was telling you this story...

[5:59] 35-minute chunks would have been a better name for a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[6:02] That's a good name.

[6:02] Well, the podcast has to be 35 minutes long.

[6:04] No, who cares?

[6:05] We never have one that short.

Dan McCoy

[6:06] That's like a vomit podcast, though.

[6:08] 35-minute chunks.

[6:10] Yeah, but...

[6:11] Okay, fine.

[6:12] No, but I watched the...

[6:14] I watched Twilight on the subway.

[6:16] And I was saying before that right before watching Twilight on my iPhone, I was listening

[6:21] to the Dan Savage, Savage Love podcast on my iPhone.

[6:25] And I thought to myself, after doing these two things in close succession, when did I become

[6:30] gay?

[6:31] I don't know.

[6:33] I was looking at his watch.

[6:34] A couple years ago.

[6:35] He was aware that before I was.

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] You're checking your watch, and the answer is in years.

[6:40] Yeah.

[6:41] He has a really fancy watch.

Stuart Wellington

[6:44] He transformed, in the words.

[6:46] Of Twilight, I think.

[6:47] Yeah.

[6:47] I think they said Transformers 2.

Dan McCoy

[6:49] The words of Transformers 2, Rise of the Fallen.

[6:51] Sure.

[6:53] So, Elliot.

[6:54] Yeah.

[6:55] Why don't you tell us what happens in this movie at night?

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] Let me tell you the 20 minutes of plot, which encompasses the two hour plus running

[7:01] time of Twilight New Moon.

[7:02] Two hours and nine minutes.

[7:04] Bella is a girl who's in love with a vampire named, what, Edward Cullen?

[7:07] Is that his name?

[7:08] Yep.

[7:08] That's his name.

[7:09] And she knows he's a vampire, right?

[7:10] She knows he's a vampire.

[7:11] They're in high school.

[7:12] He still goes to high school despite being a hundred year old vampire.

[7:14] Does he get really good grades?

[7:16] I hope so.

[7:17] The one class we see them in, he knows Romeo and Juliet by heart.

[7:20] So he shows up the snotty professor.

Stuart Wellington

[7:22] That's probably good for him.

[7:23] Because when I was a high schooler, I really couldn't appreciate that class.

[7:26] It's better to go back as an older student.

[7:28] No, I agree.

Dan McCoy

[7:28] That's true.

[7:29] And they make a stab at explaining this in the first movie.

[7:32] They're like, okay, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves.

[7:34] But wouldn't an ageless senior draw more attention?

Elliott Kalan

[7:39] Someday you're going to graduate, Edward.

[7:40] I don't know why your grades have been so bad.

[7:42] I mean, you've been at the school for 50 years now.

[7:46] You should stop taking those AP courses, you know?

[7:49] But apparently in the previous film, there was an evil vampire who came after Bella to

[7:53] get revenge at Edward for killing her boyfriend, the vampire's boyfriend.

[7:59] Wait, what?

[8:00] Don't worry about it.

[8:02] So Edward says, if you're around me, you're going to get hurt.

[8:06] So instead, I'm going to tell you that I have to leave.

[8:08] And he leaves.

[8:09] He goes to Italy.

[8:11] And she starts falling in.

[8:13] She becomes friends with a Native American boy who lives nearby.

[8:17] With great hair.

[8:18] Really long hair.

[8:19] With long, flowing locks.

[8:20] Jacob is his name.

[8:22] Jacob.

[8:22] I didn't get that.

[8:23] I never knew his name.

[8:24] But he, she, and at the same time, she's obsessed with getting, apparently whenever she's

[8:28] in danger, she has visions of Edward.

[8:30] And so she's searching for greater and greater thrills.

[8:33] She becomes a thrill seeker.

[8:34] A thrill killer.

[8:35] No, a thrill killer.

[8:36] But a thrill seeker.

[8:37] And it turns out Jacob has a crush on her.

[8:40] They start getting closer.

[8:42] Jacob's a werewolf.

[8:43] What?

[8:44] He falls in with a band of.

[8:45] Wait, what?

[8:46] Yes.

[8:46] He falls in with a band of skinwalkers or whatever they're called.

[8:50] Sure.

[8:51] Other werewolves.

[8:52] Other young werewolves.

[8:54] And this is when my memory is hazy because my brain started shutting down at certain points.

Dan McCoy

[8:59] Well, to be fair, the movie started shutting down too.

[9:02] While we watched this, there was a period.

[9:04] We watched it on streaming from Amazon.

[9:08] And there was a period for about 20 minutes where we were having trouble loading the film.

[9:13] Yeah.

[9:13] And Elliot kept pitching the idea of us just doing a podcast from the first hour of the movie because Elliot's always keen on getting out of here as soon as quickly as possible.

[9:24] I'm an old man.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] I like to get home early.

[9:26] He's a street walking cheetah after this.

[9:28] Yes.

[9:29] With a hide full of napalm.

[9:31] Yeah.

[9:33] So anyway, Edward comes.

[9:37] No, he doesn't come back.

[9:38] No.

Stuart Wellington

[9:38] No, yeah, like she finds out that he's going to get himself killed by the vampire police.

[9:44] He loves her, but he loves her.

[9:45] All right, all right, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[9:46] Let me step in.

[9:47] He loves her, but he can't live without her.

[9:49] So he's going to go sacrifice himself somehow.

[9:52] No, no, no, no.

[9:52] Sure.

[9:53] Let me step in.

[9:53] No, that sounds right.

Dan McCoy

[9:54] By the vampire, significantly.

[9:56] The evil vampires who threatened Bella at the end of the first movie, which was just called Twilight.

[10:03] Okay.

[10:05] One of them comes back.

[10:07] Sure.

[10:07] Actually, both of them, both of the two remaining ones come back.

[10:10] But more importantly, like the girl comes back, threatens Bella.

[10:14] Like there's a big fight.

[10:15] Like Bella goes off, jumps off a cliff, conks her head.

[10:21] Jacob, the werewolf, pulls her out.

[10:24] And they go back home.

Elliott Kalan

[10:26] Now they're saving her from the evil vampire.

[10:27] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[10:28] They go back home.

[10:29] They go back home.

Dan McCoy

[10:29] And there's a phone call from Edward, which Jacob picks up on for some reason, even though it's not his house.

[10:38] Yeah.

[10:38] Rude.

[10:39] And Edward, the fact.

Elliott Kalan

[10:41] Where did he grow up?

[10:41] In a barn?

[10:42] No, in the woods.

[10:42] I mean, he's not wearing his shirt most of the movie.

[10:44] So, I mean, clearly.

[10:44] I forgot to mention that about the werewolves is that they don't almost never wear shirts.

[10:49] Mm-hmm.

[10:49] Yep.

[10:49] They're just walking around no shirt on.

Stuart Wellington

[10:51] The other weird thing is that they can transform into creatures covered completely in hair, and yet the werewolves have no discernible body hair other than the hair.

Elliott Kalan

[11:01] Well, that's because they're all like teen models.

[11:04] Oh, okay.

[11:04] They're all ripped.

[11:05] Anyway.

[11:05] They're all ripped as I get out.

[11:06] They are shredded.

[11:07] Yeah, just cut.

[11:08] The point is.

[11:09] Just fucking jagged up.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] When Edward calls.

[11:12] Just completely brooked.

[11:16] Totally squeeze-gloed.

Elliott Kalan

[11:19] Just super blasted.

Dan McCoy

[11:20] And finds that.

[11:23] Rocked up.

[11:25] That Bella is not answering her own phone.

[11:28] He assumes that the vision that his sister Alice had of Bella dying is true.

[11:36] That Bella is dead.

[11:37] And Bella's dead.

[11:38] And he has no reason to live anymore?

[11:39] He has no reason to live anymore, so he's going to kill himself.

[11:42] And so Alice and Bella then have to race to Italy.

[11:46] Italy.

[11:47] And save him.

Stuart Wellington

[11:49] Which probably a lot of babies with the name Bella nowadays, don't you think?

[11:53] Yeah, and a lot of mushrooms.

Dan McCoy

[11:54] What?

[11:55] Oh, right.

[11:56] It's a type of baby Bella.

[11:57] Mushroom.

[11:58] Anyway.

[11:59] When they get there, there's a bunch of, you know, like there's a big vampire, you know, foo-for-ram.

Elliott Kalan

[12:06] But there's like a vampire court that they go to and the vampires, they find out that Bella,

[12:11] each of the vampires has their own special powers.

[12:13] Some can see the future, some are telekinetic.

[12:15] Like the X-Men?

[12:16] Yes, exactly.

[12:17] They're basically the X-Men.

[12:18] And Bella is completely immune.

[12:20] Is there a gambit?

[12:21] Not yet, but probably at some point.

[12:23] Okay, cool.

[12:23] Bella is immune to their powers, so they're fascinated by her.

[12:27] And she...

Dan McCoy

[12:28] What about a wolverine?

[12:29] Okay, come on.

[12:30] Let's...

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] Well, Jacob's maybe the wolverine, because he's kind of...

[12:34] He had the animal inside him burst loose.

Dan McCoy

[12:36] I like that guy then.

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] Anyway, so there's a foo-for-all with the vampire court.

[12:42] It ends with a stalemate kind of a draw.

[12:46] And with Bella saying that she'll become a...

[12:49] Because she's a liability to the vampires, because she knows too much about them, she'll become a vampire and join them.

[12:54] Everything's solved.

[12:55] There's like 40 more minutes to the movie where they talk about this.

[12:59] And then at the end, there's a final stare down between Jacob the werewolf and Edward the vampire.

[13:06] And then...

[13:06] It's a real love triangle.

[13:08] It's a real...

[13:09] Yeah.

[13:09] It's like a love scattered pieces of dust on the floor.

[13:13] Yeah.

[13:14] There's no tension or romantic chemistry between any of them.

Dan McCoy

[13:18] What's the climax of the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[13:20] At the very end, Edward says, I'll turn you into a vampire, but we've got to be together forever.

[13:26] And she says, that's what I wanted.

[13:28] And he goes...

[13:28] That's what I would ask a teenage girl, by the way.

[13:30] And then he says, will you marry me?

[13:31] And she goes...

[13:32] And then it cuts to the credits.

[13:33] And I assume Twilight 3 picks up at that moment with her denying him.

Stuart Wellington

[13:37] Yeah, like in Phantasm 1 and 2, it immediately jumps into the...

[13:41] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[13:42] I mean, that's not...

[13:43] That is not the climax of the movie, unless you mean climax in the sense of all the teenage girls

[13:48] coming to climax in the theater.

[13:51] At that moment.

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] As they fantasize about Edward the vampire marrying them.

Dan McCoy

[13:54] Yeah, exactly.

[13:55] The climax of the film...

Elliott Kalan

[13:56] I gotta tell you, sexy vampires have changed a lot since Dark Shadows.

Dan McCoy

[14:00] They don't wear shirts as often.

[14:01] The climax of the film, I guess, is Bella rushing to keep Edward from committing suicide

[14:09] by revealing himself as a vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] Which involves her running through a fountain and pushing him.

Dan McCoy

[14:13] And I believe this was the point of the movie in which I turned to Elliot and said,

[14:18] Is this movie shitting me?

[14:19] Because, like, what the fuck kind of climax is that?

Stuart Wellington

[14:22] Well, at this point...

[14:23] It looked like the poster for that Angels and Demons movie starring Tom Hanks and John Travolta's

[14:28] hair.

[14:29] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[14:31] John Travolta's hair played itself.

[14:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:33] The hair he wore in that Swordfish movie.

Dan McCoy

[14:37] Oh, man.

[14:37] John Travolta's hair had such an ostentatious trailer on that film.

[14:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:42] Yeah.

[14:43] But it's a movie that's shown that it cannot handle action or excitement.

[14:47] No.

[14:47] In the fact that it involves multiple fights between werewolves and they are boring as

[14:52] all get out.

Dan McCoy

[14:52] Well, but also, like, we talked about a lot of plot in that synopsis just now.

[14:58] But most of that plot occurs in the first 20 and last 20 of the film.

[15:03] And then in the meantime...

[15:04] There's a lot of meandering.

[15:05] There's a lot of hanging out.

[15:07] You know.

[15:07] There's a lot of...

[15:08] Every scene.

[15:08] Every scene is longer than it should be.

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] They're all really long.

[15:11] The characters pause a lot while they're talking unnecessarily.

[15:14] And blink a lot.

[15:15] Yeah.

[15:16] Well, that's because they're all wearing vampire contact lenses.

Dan McCoy

[15:17] Well, you guys were in particular complaining about how difficult it was just to understand

[15:21] the dialogue.

[15:21] Well, that's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[15:22] Yeah.

[15:23] The mumbliest fucking people.

Dan McCoy

[15:24] Like, I saw you guys turn into old men in front of my eyes.

[15:27] It was ridiculous.

Elliott Kalan

[15:28] I felt old watching the movie.

[15:29] Not just because I didn't recognize any of the bands that played songs in it.

[15:33] Didn't understand the appeal of the movie or anything like that.

[15:37] But also because...

Dan McCoy

[15:37] Who are these people?

[15:39] Why are they in my television?

Elliott Kalan

[15:41] Where's Glenn Miller?

[15:43] But the idea that...

[15:45] I mean, all the characters are whispering or mumbling.

[15:48] Maybe it's your sound system.

[15:49] The audio recording sounded terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[15:51] Yeah.

[15:51] Diane's sound system sounded really bad.

[15:53] All right, guys.

[15:54] Come on.

[15:55] The screen's so small.

Elliott Kalan

[15:56] But it was really hard to...

[15:58] Their words were not legible often.

Stuart Wellington

[16:04] I didn't think that one guy was speaking English for the first half of the movie.

[16:08] So it was...

[16:08] The one with the boxer's face.

[16:11] The boxer's face.

Dan McCoy

[16:12] Yeah, like the smashed-in face.

[16:14] The boxer's talking about.

[16:15] Which vampire?

[16:16] The main vampire?

[16:17] Yeah, yeah.

[16:17] He's got like a little smushed face.

[16:20] Yeah.

[16:21] If I was going to describe him, I'd be like the vampire with the stupid haircut.

[16:27] Okay.

[16:27] Well, I would call him the star of the film.

[16:29] Yeah.

[16:29] All right.

[16:29] Although he's not in a lot.

[16:30] He's not.

[16:31] No, he's in like 40 minutes of a 130-minute movie.

Elliott Kalan

[16:38] 120 minutes, let's say.

Dan McCoy

[16:39] Because there's like eight or nine minutes of credit.

[16:40] He was in it as smoke-a-lot.

[16:42] He was in it as smoke.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] He did appear as a vision made of smoke.

Dan McCoy

[16:47] Not as a knight named Sir Smoke-a-lot.

Elliott Kalan

[16:50] The knight who was always last in getting to the adventure.

Dan McCoy

[16:55] No, yeah, that was a weird thing that Bella, as Elliot referred to, would see Edward, her vampire lover, whenever she was in danger.

[17:09] So she put herself in danger.

[17:10] And we would see Edward as basically like these smoky apparitions that, yeah, if she ran her hand through, like, he would dissipate.

Stuart Wellington

[17:20] They would dissolve into mist.

[17:21] So she got way into, like, what?

[17:23] Auto-erotic asphyxiation?

[17:25] No!

Dan McCoy

[17:26] Well, she got on the back of a motorcycle once.

Stuart Wellington

[17:28] Yeah, she asked some strange guy to take her on a motorcycle ride.

[17:31] How'd that end?

[17:32] She asked him to stop, and then he did.

[17:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] He was a very accommodating cyclist.

[17:38] Yeah.

[17:39] And at one time she jumped off a cliff.

[17:41] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[17:42] Like into, like, a quarry?

Elliott Kalan

[17:43] No, it was cliff diving.

[17:44] She jumped into the water.

[17:45] Oh, okay.

[17:45] We had already seen people do it safely earlier in the film.

[17:47] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[17:48] One time she went to see a movie called Punch Fist or something like that.

[17:52] Fist Punch.

[17:53] Fist Punch.

[17:53] Okay.

[17:54] And that apparently was just a real adrenaline shot.

[17:57] It sounded pretty good, actually.

[17:57] Didn't do it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:58] Didn't do it.

[17:59] It sounded pretty good, though, if I remember.

[18:01] Yeah.

[18:01] There's a moment where they're watching this movie Fist Punch, and you just hear the soundtrack.

[18:04] And it's supposed to be a joke, I guess.

[18:05] It's like, I'm going to blow your head off.

[18:07] If you try it, I'm going to blow your head off.

[18:09] Why don't I blow both your heads off?

[18:12] Let's do this thing.

[18:13] And then just you're shooting.

[18:13] It's like, oh, I wish I was watching that movie.

[18:16] Fist Punch sounds so good right now.

[18:18] Yeah.

[18:20] They took a lot of liberties with the life of Bella Bartok in this film.

[18:27] Yeah.

[18:27] Unless it was about the life of Bella Abzug.

[18:29] Or Bella Lugosi.

[18:31] Mm-hmm.

[18:32] I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[18:33] Which, by the way, let's take this moment to shout out to our mutual friend, Stuart.

[18:42] We have another friend named Stuart?

[18:46] Do you know what a shout out is, Dan?

[18:47] I'm referring to him.

[18:49] I'm making sure you're paying attention.

[18:50] Okay.

[18:51] Our mutual friend, Bill.

[18:53] I'm looking for my phone, actually.

[18:54] Who would do an impression of Bella Lugosi, which would be him putting his coat over his head

[19:01] and then going, I'm Bella Lugosi and chasing you around the room.

[19:07] That's a pretty good one.

[19:09] So, Bill, that was a good impression.

[19:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:13] Very accurate.

[19:14] Don't worry, audience.

[19:14] I'm as uninterested as you are.

[19:17] Let's get back to the movie, shall we?

[19:19] So it's a slow, meandering movie with not as much plot as it seems to think it has.

[19:24] And it's one of these movies where it assumes that the audience, I think, is already emotionally invested in it.

[19:31] So there's no reason to worry about getting you involved or making the characters seem interesting.

Dan McCoy

[19:36] Well, I mean, to be honest, there is no one who's watching this movie that's not already emotionally invested in it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:42] Well, there might be people who are like, I wonder what all the fuss is about this Twilight.

Stuart Wellington

[19:45] Like, I like werewolf men, but I don't like the vampires.

[19:51] I like Underworld.

[19:52] Let's try this.

Dan McCoy

[19:53] That's the only justification I can think of, Stuart, because no one's going to just dip into this movie and be like,

[19:59] hmm, I'm curious about this Twilight sensation, but I don't want to watch the first movie in the series.

Stuart Wellington

[20:05] I like True Blood, but it's a little too blue for me.

[20:10] Because they have vampires in that, too.

Dan McCoy

[20:12] I've got to say, here's the thing.

[20:15] I mentioned that I watched the first Twilight movie.

[20:18] Yeah.

[20:18] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[20:19] And I have to say.

[20:19] And we didn't make fun of you that much.

[20:21] No, only a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[20:22] Well, you'll make fun of me here.

[20:23] Okay.

[20:23] Oh, boy.

[20:24] Let's get ready.

[20:25] Kind of enjoyed the first movie.

[20:27] Ellie, you want to field this one?

[20:29] Wouldn't recommend it.

[20:30] Would not recommend it necessarily, but for what it was, I'm like, okay, yeah, I see what this is doing.

Elliott Kalan

[20:35] I mean, the first movie.

[20:36] And then you, I assume, signed up for a subscription to 17 or Young and Tiger Beats.

[20:44] I was going to say Ranger Rick, so I think I'm way off.

[20:47] Yeah, I know.

[20:48] Ranger Rick is a little too young, but you've got to bring it up a little bit.

[20:51] I think about the first movie, like.

[20:54] Ranger Rick is one of the great magazines where I think they assume you're, they know you're going to grow out of the magazine.

[20:59] So it's just a cycle of the same issues over and over again.

[21:03] I think they have about 24 issues.

[21:05] And I remember, and Zoo Books is kind of the same way.

[21:08] But I remember my brother having a Ranger Rick subscription and being like, baby ducks, again?

[21:13] I have baby ducks.

Dan McCoy

[21:17] What, did they come out with some new baby ducks?

[21:19] Come on.

[21:21] For 1983?

[21:22] This just in, baby ducks.

[21:26] Kangaroos have pouches.

[21:28] Yeah, but I mean, the thing about the first movie, if nothing else, it had some actual, it actually had some beautiful cinematography, the first movie.

[21:35] But also, the first movie was directed by Catherine Hardwick, who directed 13, which is not a good movie.

[21:43] But it is the sort of movie that you would want someone to have on their resume if they're going to do a Twilight film.

[21:50] I mean, like, that's such a overwrought teenage melodrama.

[21:54] And it comes from such a, like, a female perspective that you can see where they're like, okay, perfect for Twilight.

[22:00] You know, like, this person can really plug into that just, like, amped up teenage girl emotion quality.

[22:09] Angst stuff.

[22:09] Yeah, and this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] They're kind of like keeping a journal, making a mixtape, you know.

[22:15] Like a quilt?

[22:17] They make quilts with other women in the village?

[22:20] How to make an American quilt.

[22:20] That's what we're talking about.

[22:21] I mean, quilting bees are all the rage these days with the young kids.

[22:25] The young Amish.

Dan McCoy

[22:26] But there's, like, a real intense sincerity to that film that almost, like, put it over.

[22:30] Whereas this movie, it was directed by Chris Weiss.

[22:34] What else did he do?

[22:35] He did, well, I mean, he started out well.

[22:36] I mean, he made American Pie and About a Boy, which are two, like...

[22:39] Oh, classics.

[22:41] Not, no, I'm not, I'm not arguing for them as great movies.

[22:43] Where's his Academy Award?

[22:45] I'm not arguing for them as great movies, but they, like...

Stuart Wellington

[22:48] Hey, wasn't that the movie where the guy has sex with a pie, Dan?

[22:50] Oh, for Christ's sake.

Dan McCoy

[22:52] Neither are movies that I love.

[22:54] Wasn't that the movie that was about a boy?

[22:56] They're both solid, like, just entertainments.

[23:01] And then he, like, took a real dip down and made The Golden Compass, which was just boring.

Elliott Kalan

[23:06] That was too bad.

[23:07] That was a wasted opportunity, Golden Compass.

[23:09] That was very boring.

Dan McCoy

[23:10] And this movie, just like, he just didn't seem to have any feel for it at all.

Elliott Kalan

[23:13] Yeah.

[23:14] It felt like it was, yeah, it was directed by someone who wasn't that interested in making this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[23:21] Or for shelling out a couple of claims to get some good special effects, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[23:25] Yeah, they were also terrible special effects.

Stuart Wellington

[23:27] Yeah, talking about...

[23:27] I mean, obviously...

[23:28] Talking about those werewolves, Stuart.

[23:30] Those wolf men were, like, they were super phony looking.

[23:33] Like, as you were saying, the monster in NeverEnding Story looks more realistic.

[23:38] Yeah.

[23:38] They look like cartoons.

[23:40] Like, I think one of them's gonna jump into a fucking, like, drag racer and go driving around.

[23:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:46] Just step in behind Jabberjaw and go off on it.

Dan McCoy

[23:49] They don't even look like they have any, like, musculature.

[23:52] They just look like hair blobs.

Elliott Kalan

[23:53] Well, they look like stuffed animals that are running around and biting each other.

[23:56] But, like, cartoony.

[23:57] And slow motion-y.

[23:59] Mm-hmm.

[23:59] Like, if What's-His-Name from Monsters, Inc. had wandered in and joined the werewolf pack,

[24:04] I would have been like, all right, okay, this makes sense to me.

[24:06] This doesn't seem out of place.

[24:08] Visually, this makes sense to me.

[24:10] Flaw-wise, I'd actually be very excited.

[24:13] I'd be like, all right, this movie's going into a weird area.

[24:16] It's a real crossover that's going on.

[24:18] Vampires and werewolves exist and also cartoony monsters.

Stuart Wellington

[24:21] Now, do you think part of the reason why they didn't seem to give a shit about their special effects

[24:25] is because they assume that the people who are actually interested in this movie are generally female?

[24:30] Because I find that most women...

Dan McCoy

[24:32] And females are, like, half-blind.

[24:33] But, no, what I'm saying...

[24:34] That's what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[24:34] They don't have, like, the visual acuity.

[24:36] What I'm saying is that...

[24:37] Yeah, after Stuart gets through them.

Stuart Wellington

[24:38] I'm saying that most women that I talk to, like, I'll watch a movie and be like,

[24:42] oh, man, that shitty computer graphic special effects.

[24:44] And they're like, what?

[24:46] Who cares?

[24:47] Like, I'm paying attention to the actual story.

[24:49] Because they're sensible people.

[24:51] Yeah, and I'm like, I don't care for that computerized monster.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] Well, they're all just waiting for the moment when Pattinson takes his shirt off at the end.

Dan McCoy

[24:59] Yeah.

[25:00] No, he doesn't.

[25:01] He never takes his shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[25:02] When he's going to walk off into the sun to reveal himself.

[25:05] Wait, who's that?

[25:07] You know, the vampire.

[25:08] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:09] He's painfully skinny, though, when he does that.

[25:11] Yeah, but girls like that.

[25:13] They do?

Elliott Kalan

[25:13] Yeah, it's called heroin chic.

[25:15] That's very big now, the reedy look.

[25:17] They don't like the guys like the werewolves who've got musculature.

[25:21] Who the f-

Dan McCoy

[25:21] Like, those werewolves, as brought up before.

[25:25] Sculpted.

[25:25] They were just sand wrapped.

[25:27] Shirtless all the time.

[25:30] Like, at the end.

[25:31] When there's a big standoff with the werewolf and the vampire.

[25:36] There's a shirtless guy standing in the middle of the road.

[25:39] I was waiting here.

[25:41] I didn't have time to put on your shirt before I was waiting for you.

Elliott Kalan

[25:44] I was waiting for him to, the car to get up to him and him to punch the car off the road.

Stuart Wellington

[25:48] I wish there really was a scene where the, when the one guy figured out he was a werewolf,

[25:52] he collected all of his shirts and all of his normal pants and, like, put them in a big garbage bag.

[25:57] And then he filled all his drawers with fucking, like, Old Navy cargo shorts.

[26:05] And jams.

[26:07] And why is he wearing shoes?

[26:09] Time to swat around in these.

[26:09] He's just going to explode his shoes off.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] Why is he wearing those shits?

[26:13] They're kind of expensive shoes.

[26:14] They walked around always, no shirt and just shorts.

[26:17] Then when they became werewolves, you'd see scraps of clothes bursting off.

[26:20] Like, they burst out of their pants.

[26:22] And you just have to imagine them-

[26:23] Oh boy, did they.

[26:24] Hiding in the woods as their friends go back to get them pants.

[26:29] Because they ripped their-

[26:31] Yeah, they had the self-hatched.

Dan McCoy

[26:33] Larry, could you come?

[26:35] I wolfed out again.

[26:36] Could you just-

[26:36] I really got, I need some-

[26:38] So they, wait, they say wolfed out too.

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] Like, do you-

[26:40] Yeah, always.

[26:41] And they dance that dance.

Dan McCoy

[26:42] My pants are in my bottom drawer.

Stuart Wellington

[26:45] Where'd they get the cell phone from?

[26:47] Like, was it disguised in a tree?

Dan McCoy

[26:49] They've got cell phones stashed all over the woods.

[26:51] Sure, but why don't they just stash pants?

[26:53] That's what I was going to say.

Elliott Kalan

[26:54] Why don't they just stash the pants then?

[26:55] Oh, the rock.

[26:56] That's how stupid the movie is.

[26:58] They just don't get it.

[26:59] I was going to say, the movie would have been better if, like, Teen Wolf, one of them was in a school play about the Civil War.

[27:04] Yeah.

[27:04] And that was a subplot.

Stuart Wellington

[27:06] I think it would have been nice if they had a scene where one of these naked wolf men, like, had to, like, talk to an animal, and the animal had to go, like, get him pants.

[27:18] That would have made sense.

Elliott Kalan

[27:19] Yeah.

[27:20] I mean, within the mythology of this film, maybe, because they all have special powers.

Dan McCoy

[27:23] By the way, guys, naked wolf men singing on Broadway right now.

[27:26] So.

[27:27] Yeah.

[27:27] Get the tics.

[27:28] Get the tics.

[27:29] The tics.

[27:30] That's what they call them, tics nowadays?

[27:33] They do it for that show.

[27:35] Watch out that those tics don't bite you, though.

[27:37] Danger.

[27:39] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[27:39] Oh, because they use alligators as tickets now on Broadway.

Stuart Wellington

[27:43] Well, I didn't think it was the bite so much as the rolling you and drowning you that was dangerous about them.

[27:48] Sure.

[27:49] Alligators, I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[27:50] Yeah.

[27:51] Well, tics can give you Lyme disease.

[27:52] That's the other problem.

Dan McCoy

[27:54] So.

[27:55] Twilight.

[27:56] Sexy vampire.

[27:57] Stuart.

[27:58] What are your feelings?

[27:59] How did you?

Stuart Wellington

[27:59] I could have, like, you know, I was kind of raised on Lost Boys.

[28:05] Oh.

[28:05] So, like, to me, when I imagine a sexy.

[28:07] The sexiest of vampires.

[28:08] Yeah, when I imagine a sexy vampire.

[28:10] It's Kiefer Sutherland.

[28:11] It's Kiefer Sutherland or the guy who played, what was it, Bill from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

[28:17] Oh.

[28:17] Alex Winter.

[28:18] Alex Winter, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:19] That's a sexy vampire.

[28:20] Mm-hmm.

[28:21] Really, really, he's got that real American hero, William Catt curl.

[28:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:27] Yeah.

[28:27] He's got his hair.

[28:28] And Jason Patrick, when he starts becoming a vampire in that movie, he's really, really sexy.

[28:33] Maggots.

Elliott Kalan

[28:34] So, how did you feel about...

[28:35] You're eating maggots.

[28:36] As someone who is hip-deep in the fantasy world.

[28:39] Oh, yeah.

[28:39] I love fantasy stuff.

Dan McCoy

[28:40] How did the vampire mythology...

[28:42] As someone who lives in a fantasy world of your own creation.

Stuart Wellington

[28:46] Well, I'm not going to say that it isn't weird to see these vampire dudes, like, sparkling when the sun hits them.

[28:54] Mm-hmm.

[28:55] Like diamonds.

[28:56] Yeah.

[28:58] Like, they're really worried...

[28:58] Oh, like the superhero Zales.

[29:00] I guess they're worried that the sun is going to hit them because people will see them sparkling.

[29:04] Yeah.

[29:05] But, like, what's the big deal?

[29:07] They could just make up that they're, like, fucking angels or something.

Elliott Kalan

[29:09] Or the thing is, like, girls wear so much sparkly makeup now anyway.

[29:13] Yeah.

[29:13] Like, just say I'm wearing a lot of makeup.

Stuart Wellington

[29:15] Yeah.

[29:15] I just hit Claire's Boutique and blow it up on sparkle paint.

Dan McCoy

[29:18] Well, but also the thing is, like, even in this universe, the Twilight universe, it's not like...

[29:23] Twilight-iverse.

[29:24] People see sparkles and think vampires.

[29:26] It's not like that's a stereotype about vampires.

[29:29] So it seems like, you know, like, no one who sees them sparkling is going to be like,

[29:33] Oh, those guys are fucking vampires.

[29:34] Let's go stake them.

[29:36] You know?

[29:37] Let's go give them some stake-ems.

[29:38] You said that really sensually, dude.

[29:42] Let's go rub steaks all over their body.

[29:44] Let's stake them.

Stuart Wellington

[29:46] Uh, they're aching for a stake-ing.

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] But, yeah, the monsters all...

[29:49] It's, well, a lot of these movies, I think at this point, I don't know why monsters in

[29:55] movies keep themselves a secret.

Dan McCoy

[29:57] If you...

[29:57] If there's one vampire...

[29:59] Well, because about half of them are good anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] Well, if there's one vampire...

[30:01] Yeah, if there's one vampire living in an area, I can understand why he keeps himself

[30:05] a secret.

[30:06] If there's a whole society of vampires, and half of them are good guys anyway...

[30:10] It's a vampire scene.

[30:11] Yeah, there's a whole subculture of werewolves, you know?

[30:14] Why...

[30:14] At that point, what do you got to lose?

[30:17] Yeah.

[30:18] Just true blood it.

Stuart Wellington

[30:19] Yeah.

[30:19] Just be open about it, man.

[30:21] Come out.

[30:22] Uh, yeah.

[30:23] I hope that's an inspiring message to all the monsters out there listening to this.

[30:27] The, yeah, the...

[30:28] Your friends and family, they'll understand.

[30:30] The werewolves were really...

[30:31] And if they don't, they're not working.

[30:33] I mean, the werewolves were pretty straightforward, although...

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] It wasn't full moon based.

[30:38] Yeah.

[30:38] Even though the title of the movie was New Moon.

Stuart Wellington

[30:40] And they...

[30:41] They...

[30:42] They...

[30:43] They...

[30:43] They apparently don't feel the cold, like...

[30:46] Like wolves don't or something, which doesn't make any sense at all.

Elliott Kalan

[30:49] No, like in real life.

[30:50] Wolves don't get cold.

[30:50] They don't?

[30:51] That's why they live in space.

[30:53] Wow.

[30:54] Wait a minute.

[30:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:55] You've just flipped my lid.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] Oh, yeah.

[30:58] Space wolves.

Stuart Wellington

[30:59] Because the cold doesn't bother them.

[31:02] Nice.

[31:03] Um, I have nothing more to add to this topic.

[31:05] Speaking of wolves, I don't care for that Taylor Lautner.

Dan McCoy

[31:08] No?

[31:09] What don't you like?

[31:11] Every time he came on screen, I wanted to punch his stupid face.

[31:13] Is he the wolf?

[31:14] He's the wolf.

[31:14] Yeah, yeah.

[31:14] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[31:15] He's kind of...

[31:15] He's got a slightly effeminate voice and is kind of bland.

[31:18] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[31:19] I mean, I don't...

[31:20] It's not that.

[31:21] Like, that makes it sound like I'm gay bashing all of a sudden.

[31:23] You're a homophobe.

[31:24] Anyway, so...

Dan McCoy

[31:25] I mean, the guy who was watching...

[31:27] I'm watching Twilight and listening to Savage Love.

[31:29] Well, I mean, you're ashamed of who you are.

[31:30] Sure, huh?

[31:31] Well, I mean...

[31:31] Self-hating is what you call it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:34] No, I just like...

[31:34] I don't know...

[31:35] In medicine, it's called McCoy disease.

Stuart Wellington

[31:38] Mm-hmm.

[31:39] I don't know his...

[31:40] That's transmitted anally, right?

[31:42] By Dan McCoy, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[31:44] He just...

[31:45] I...

Stuart Wellington

[31:45] No, thank you.

[31:46] I don't want that.

Elliott Kalan

[31:47] His...

[31:48] Well, he...

[31:48] What's weird is that...

Stuart Wellington

[31:49] His stupid muscular neck and his...

Elliott Kalan

[31:52] He starts out with really long hair and then he cuts his hair.

[31:55] Which looks great.

[31:56] And it's...

[31:56] He looks so ridiculous that it's like...

[31:58] I believe him then as like an awkward teen because he's got this stupid hair, you know,

[32:03] and I know Stuart thinks it looks great.

[32:05] It looks awesome.

[32:06] He's got this long hair and he always looks a little befuddled and it's like, oh, I buy

[32:09] him as a teen.

[32:10] And then when he turns angry, he cuts all his hair off and he stops wearing a shirt and it's

[32:15] like...

[32:16] And he gets a tattoo.

[32:17] And he gets a tattoo.

[32:17] And now he's just like a muscle guy.

[32:19] Like, I don't buy him as a teen anymore.

[32:22] And he...

[32:22] You can...

[32:23] The hair is no longer covering up his thick neck that bothers Dan so much.

[32:28] Just don't like necks, guys.

[32:30] Just don't like necks.

Stuart Wellington

[32:32] You shouldn't be a vampire because that's where they drink their blood from.

[32:36] Mm-hmm.

[32:37] Sometimes.

Dan McCoy

[32:39] Where else?

[32:40] I'll talk about that later.

Elliott Kalan

[32:41] But the other thing...

[32:42] This is one of those movies where school is an option for students.

[32:47] They sometimes go to class.

[32:48] Explain.

[32:48] Sometimes not.

[32:50] The main character skips school.

[32:51] Like, in the beginning, she's at school.

[32:53] She has a circle of friends that she sometimes hangs out with.

[32:56] Those characters disappear from the movie.

Dan McCoy

[32:58] Oh, like that up in the air chick.

[33:00] Yeah, the...

Elliott Kalan

[33:00] Anna Kendrick.

[33:01] Anna Kendrick from Up in the Air is one of them.

Dan McCoy

[33:04] Academy Award nominee.

[33:06] From this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[33:07] Undeservedly so.

[33:08] Yes, for New Moon.

Dan McCoy

[33:09] I liked her in Up in the Air.

[33:10] I thought she was good.

Elliott Kalan

[33:11] I thought she did a fine job in a fine film.

[33:15] Academy Award worthy.

[33:17] No.

Dan McCoy

[33:18] Well, you're the guy who does not care for the Academy Awards in general.

Elliott Kalan

[33:22] No, but I'm still going to say if it's a worthwhile award at all, then.

[33:26] But at a certain point, those characters disappear.

[33:30] She didn't win, though, right?

[33:31] No, she did not win.

[33:32] She just stops going to school and went to Monique.

[33:35] Oh, amazing for fans.

Dan McCoy

[33:37] Mo apostrophe Neek.

[33:39] Really?

[33:40] It was a giant step forward for women with apostrophes in their name.

[33:44] As I said...

[33:44] That's good stuff.

[33:45] ...on my live blog.

[33:46] Yeah, that's good stuff.

[33:46] And I got about the response that you gave me right now.

[33:50] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[33:52] So, yeah, they stopped going to school.

[33:54] That was kind of weird.

Elliott Kalan

[33:55] Yeah, the movie just stops being tethered in any sort of reality.

[33:58] And, I mean, it's already got werewolves and vampires, so it's a fantasy movie.

Stuart Wellington

[34:01] Which seems weird that then they also made a point to have that scene where, after her vampire boyfriend leaves, she's, like, sitting in a chair looking out the window and the camera's panning around.

[34:12] And it makes a point to, like, show the changing of seasons and to say the changing of the months.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] Yeah.

[34:17] Puts the names of the months up in text on screen.

[34:20] So, like, get it, idiots.

[34:22] Time is passing.

Dan McCoy

[34:24] Well, you don't realize that's value added.

[34:26] That's the Twilight calendar.

[34:28] Oh, I see.

[34:29] That you're getting, the Twilight video calendar, if you buy the DVD.

[34:32] Because there's only...

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] But they only show, like, three months, right?

Elliott Kalan

[34:36] Well, it's not a good calendar.

[34:38] Yeah.

[34:38] There's not a lot of value added.

Dan McCoy

[34:40] It was rushed into production, that calendar.

Elliott Kalan

[34:42] It's the bare minimum amount of value they could add to the project.

Dan McCoy

[34:44] Yeah, they're like, I can only remember three months.

Stuart Wellington

[34:46] So, it seems strange that they're going to try and, like, ground a movie in reality like that.

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:51] But then completely disregard the fact that, like, yeah, like, she, you know, has to go to school because she's a normal person.

Elliott Kalan

[34:58] Well, and then when it comes to a normal person, this thing that bothered me the most about the movie is, and I know it's a movie, but he's a hundred-year-old vampire.

[35:05] Yeah, okay.

[35:06] So, if he falls in love with a woman, I kind of buy it because he's been around the block.

[35:11] She is, what, probably, like, 16?

[35:14] She's probably 17.

[35:16] She's 17.

[35:16] That's all not to party.

[35:18] If you're 17 and you fall in love with a guy and you don't see him for three months, like, you're, like, really mad for three months.

[35:25] And then you get over it and then eventually you go with another guy.

[35:28] There's, like, a muscular werewolf, for instance.

Stuart Wellington

[35:29] Yeah, she'll have these moments of, like, being a crazy person and probably write these, like, long missives in her diary.

[35:37] Yeah, and then eventually, but, like, I don't buy someone, and I'm sure, I mean, it happens.

Elliott Kalan

[35:42] Maybe change her hair.

[35:43] There are high school sweethearts who get married, but I have trouble buying the idea that at age 17, she's emotionally mature enough to recognize that she's met the love of her life that she wants to be with for eternity.

Dan McCoy

[35:55] Yeah, not only the love of her life, but...

Elliott Kalan

[35:57] The love of her afterlife.

[35:59] Whoa!

[36:00] That's good stuff.

[36:02] Ooh, that's good vampire-related humor.

Stuart Wellington

[36:05] Now, it's also interesting that in her, you know, 16, 17 years of experience, she can provide enough interesting conversation to a 100-year-old dude.

Elliott Kalan

[36:17] You'd think every conversation would be like, oh, you haven't heard about that?

[36:22] Oh, it was before you were born.

[36:23] I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[36:23] She'll be like, let's do that, and he'll be like, uh, I did that, like, 400 years ago, and that's not that interesting.

[36:29] Yeah.

[36:30] I mean, he's not actually, wait, he's not over 400 years.

[36:33] No, he's just, like, 100 years.

Dan McCoy

[36:34] Like, he should be a lot more embarrassed when he introduces him, her to her, his friends, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[36:39] He was kind of embarrassed.

Dan McCoy

[36:41] Yeah, but I think it was more because she was a human.

[36:44] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[36:44] And less because, like, she's, like, a stupid teenager.

[36:48] I see.

Elliott Kalan

[36:49] That makes sense.

[36:50] It's not like she said anything.

[36:51] No, it was just that they wanted to eat her blood.

[36:54] I had a lot of difficulty reading his performance, though.

[36:57] Also, she gets beat up and bloody so often in this movie, and it's like, I was saying to these guys, it feels like an 80s, like, TNA comedy where, like, the whole movie's just an excuse to get girls' tops to fall off so that the main characters can see boobs.

[37:11] This feels like almost every scene of the movie is an excuse for her to cut herself so that the vampires can, you know, have to force themselves not to kill her to drink the blood.

Dan McCoy

[37:19] To lust over her blood.

Elliott Kalan

[37:21] But she gets battered.

[37:22] Yeah.

[37:23] And she bleeds so easily.

Dan McCoy

[37:25] She gets battered and fried.

Elliott Kalan

[37:29] Wait.

[37:30] Turned into a Tales from the Crypt.

[37:32] Well, anyway, maybe we should move along.

Dan McCoy

[37:34] Yeah, I don't think there's much else to say.

[37:36] So, Twilight, New Moon.

[37:39] Sure.

[37:40] Final judgments.

[37:41] On that, is this a movie that was a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie that you actually enjoyed?

Elliott Kalan

[37:50] Elliot.

[37:51] I'm going to say a bad-bad movie.

[37:52] I actively didn't enjoy it.

[37:54] And I felt bad about that because if I could, like, inside I was saying, like, is this just because I'm like a movie snob or I went into it not wanting to like it?

Dan McCoy

[38:01] Or an old man because you were literally shaking your fist at the screen.

Elliott Kalan

[38:04] Oh, man, I was literally shaking my cane at the screen.

[38:07] But I genuinely did not enjoy it and found it poorly made.

[38:11] So I'd say bad-bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[38:12] Yeah, I'm going to agree.

[38:13] Like I said, I marginally enjoyed the first movie.

[38:18] Like, I don't know.

[38:22] The first movie, for me, was able to plug into a certain sort of teenage angst where I could kind of step outside of it and be like,

[38:31] all right, objectively, I can see this is stupid.

[38:34] But while I'm watching it, I'd be willing to be swept up into it.

[38:38] But this film had all of the bad qualities of the first movie with none of, like, the sincere intensity that kind of made that work.

[38:48] So it just ended up being boring.

[38:51] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[38:53] I'm going to say bad-bad movie.

[38:56] And that has nothing to do with my dislike of the werewolf v. vampire genre nor my dislike of teen romance.

[39:06] It's just, yeah, it was like every scene was a little bit too long.

[39:11] Yeah, it just didn't feel like there was any actual, like, heart or soul in this movie.

[39:16] Yeah, it felt very mechanical.

Dan McCoy

[39:18] Stuart hates teen romance.

[39:19] I hate teen romance.

[39:20] He does not like to see people be happy, especially not at a young age.

Stuart Wellington

[39:24] Because I know that they're just going to get hurt down the road by me.

Elliott Kalan

[39:28] You know that the credits just come up to shield from us what's going to happen to those characters.

[39:32] Absolutely.

Dan McCoy

[39:34] So we don't have a...

Stuart Wellington

[39:36] Looks like you got a missive there.

Dan McCoy

[39:38] Well, no, I don't have a letter.

[39:39] Ooh.

[39:40] Write in some letters, listeners.

Stuart Wellington

[39:42] Is this like a note you wrote yourself?

Elliott Kalan

[39:44] No.

[39:44] A really cool doodle?

[39:46] It says, Dear Dan, you are great.

[39:48] Have a great day.

[39:49] Feel powerful.

[39:50] Love, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[39:51] I wish.

[39:52] That seems like it would make me feel empowered.

[39:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:55] And you drew a picture of you with Tiger Powers.

Dan McCoy

[39:58] No, this is...

[39:59] Like Tiger Woods?

Elliott Kalan

[40:01] Yes, like Tiger Woods Powers.

[40:02] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[40:03] Guys, don't you want to learn what it actually is?

[40:05] Yeah, absolutely.

[40:05] It's the results to the...

[40:06] I kind of like this bit we're doing.

[40:08] All right, we'll learn it.

[40:09] It's the results to the Give Dan a Hook contest.

[40:12] The results are in...

[40:13] Baited breath.

[40:15] And the winner is Mournful Sighing.

Elliott Kalan

[40:20] Oh, the old classic.

[40:21] Yeah.

[40:22] Yeah.

[40:22] Winner and champion.

Dan McCoy

[40:24] With 53.33% of the votes, it well outpaced the runner-up, which was a Michael Caine impression,

[40:35] at 15.56%.

Elliott Kalan

[40:38] Michael Caine impression, huh?

Dan McCoy

[40:40] Yeah.

[40:41] What came in third place?

[40:43] Third place was a tie between the classy one and Hooks for Hands.

Elliott Kalan

[40:48] Come on.

[40:49] If you people had been more on the ball, Dan would have had to pretend he had Hooks for Hands

[40:53] every episode.

Dan McCoy

[40:54] I'd like to thank you for picking Mournful Sighing, because that means it's something that I already

[41:01] do, and so I don't have to pretend that I'm going to actually pay attention to the hook

[41:06] that you've chosen for me.

Stuart Wellington

[41:08] Could we have done some kind of an alliance and made it Michael Caine impression with Hooks

[41:12] for Hands?

[41:12] That would have been nice, a parliamentary thing.

[41:14] Yeah, I like it.

Elliott Kalan

[41:15] Well, um...

[41:16] How many...

[41:17] Will you tell the actual vote tally?

[41:19] The actual vote tally...

Dan McCoy

[41:20] Well, I mean...

[41:21] Too depressing.

Elliott Kalan

[41:23] Well, I don't think it's...

[41:24] I think it's respectable.

[41:25] Too depressing?

Stuart Wellington

[41:26] Like if there's too low a number.

[41:27] Oh, I thought you said tuna pressing.

Elliott Kalan

[41:29] Yeah.

[41:29] Is that pressing too much tuna?

[41:32] I didn't know if that was like...

[41:33] That's hard work.

[41:33] I didn't know if that was like a cool euphemism that you guys in TV use.

[41:36] It could be.

[41:36] I don't want to kill any dolphins.

[41:38] Well, it comes from the old days of TV to make the videotape last longer.

[41:41] They would press it between layers of tuna.

[41:43] The juices would seep in and preserve the film.

[41:46] I like it.

[41:47] It's why...

[41:48] That's that type of stuff that I like hanging out with you.

[41:50] Yeah.

[41:50] It's tales of old TV.

[41:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:53] No, I guess it's respectable enough.

[41:55] The top vote getter got 24 votes.

[41:58] Oh, okay.

[41:58] That's not bad.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] So, um...

[42:00] The point is...

[42:01] I mean, it's not exactly, you know, Larry King and Ashton Kutcher fighting for Twitter supremacy.

Dan McCoy

[42:04] Well, you have to imagine that every vote cast represents 100 listeners...

[42:11] Wow!

[42:12] We're doing great!

[42:14] ...who didn't bother to vote.

[42:17] So, um...

[42:19] The winner, of course, of Mournful Sighing, is Ashley, the young lady who wrote in to assure

[42:27] me that I was as beloved as you or Stuart.

[42:31] That was nice of you to lie to him.

[42:33] Mm-hmm.

[42:34] So, Ashley, you should write in with your address so we can get you that DVD of Stull with our

[42:41] commentary.

[42:43] And also, I'm in a generous mood.

[42:45] Since we have multiple DVDs of Stull...

[42:48] Don't give it a lot away just yet.

[42:49] Ben, who came up with Michael Caine Impression, you should write in with your address as well.

[42:56] And so the second place, I think we can give an award out.

[43:00] That's very nice.

Stuart Wellington

[43:01] Anything extra special for the first place since the second place is getting the same thing?

[43:04] We can sign it.

Dan McCoy

[43:05] Yeah, we'll sign it.

[43:07] First place.

[43:08] Mm-hmm.

[43:08] Maybe you could...

[43:08] Second place.

[43:09] Maybe you could include this doodle you just did.

[43:11] No.

Elliott Kalan

[43:12] The doodle of him with Tiger Powers?

Dan McCoy

[43:14] Yeah, that doodle you just did.

[43:15] Uh, Snow Doodle.

[43:16] You're pointing to a blank piece of paper.

[43:19] I will not play along with your radio.

[43:20] Dan, play along.

[43:21] It's the magic of radio theater.

[43:22] I'm not going to play along with that game.

[43:24] Man, fuck you.

Elliott Kalan

[43:26] No, we'll sign it.

[43:27] Get me some cellophane.

[43:28] We'll pretend we're in front of a roaring fire.

Stuart Wellington

[43:31] Oh, what's the next thing we do on this thing?

Dan McCoy

[43:33] The next thing we do...

Elliott Kalan

[43:34] It has been a long time since we've done a recording with you, huh?

Dan McCoy

[43:36] Is we recommend a movie.

[43:39] Okay.

[43:39] Say someone's in the video store, and the only two videos are Twilight New Moon, and the video that you're about to recommend.

[43:46] I'd say two things.

[43:47] Okay, I like to role play.

[43:49] It'll save you...

Elliott Kalan

[43:50] Netflix will save you trouble.

[43:51] Two, to really switch to DVD.

[43:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:55] Or Blu-ray disc.

[43:57] Which is DVD.

[43:58] It's a better definition.

Elliott Kalan

[44:00] But it's...

[44:00] There's no...

[44:01] It's a different laser, Elliot.

[44:03] It's not a different enough format that I will give it a different name.

Stuart Wellington

[44:06] But you can do, like, all kinds of video games and shit on there.

[44:11] So, wait.

[44:12] Yeah, what are you going to recommend?

[44:13] Yeah, I'm into role playing.

[44:14] Let me try this.

[44:16] Okay, so you are in a movie theater.

[44:19] It's...

[44:19] Or, not a movie theater.

[44:21] You're in a movie theater.

[44:23] You're totally nude.

[44:25] No, that'd be weird.

[44:25] An usher who looks like Stuart walks down the aisle.

[44:30] You're in a video rental store.

[44:33] It's not a blockbuster.

[44:34] No.

[44:34] Okay, it's like your local one.

[44:36] And all the movies, except for two, are rented out.

[44:40] Just like Dan said.

[44:41] One of them is Twilight Saga, colon, New Moon.

[44:44] Okay?

[44:44] And you, you know, have...

[44:46] You know, you like vampires and werewolves.

[44:48] You know, you don't think you're into it.

[44:51] And the other movie I'm going to recommend is an old-timey movie that I don't think I've recommended yet.

[44:55] It's a movie called Black Roses.

[44:58] Okay?

[44:58] It's a were...

[44:59] It's not a werewolf movie.

[45:00] It's a horror movie.

[45:01] And one of the reasons why I saw it when I was a kid was because the box had, like, a puffy cover that had, like, skeleton hands holding an electric guitar and, like, roses wrapped around it.

[45:15] That sounds awesome.

[45:16] And it's about a, uh...

[45:17] It's about this, like, demon rock band that shows up to this, like, sleepy town.

[45:23] And, uh, all the kids in the town start going to see this rock band, which is, like, playing every night.

[45:28] And they're slowly turning into demons.

[45:30] And it's pretty awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[45:32] Sounds kind of like the movie Hard Rock Zombies.

[45:34] A little bit.

[45:35] Except Hard Rock Zombies, the band turns into zombies.

[45:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:39] Yeah, this is different.

[45:40] In this movie, the band...

Elliott Kalan

[45:42] And a Nazi demon eats itself.

[45:44] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[45:44] And it's very slowly...

[45:45] In this movie, the band are, like, demons and they turn people into demons.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] Because in Hard Rock Zombies, they're a regular rock band and they're turned into zombies.

[45:53] By Nazis.

[45:54] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[45:56] Yeah, that's not the movie I'm recommending.

Elliott Kalan

[45:57] Yeah, your movie is probably much better than Hard Rock Zombies.

Stuart Wellington

[45:59] It's actually really good.

[46:01] So, or, Ellie, what other movie might they want to rent if it was available?

Elliott Kalan

[46:06] Hmm.

[46:07] I'm gonna recommend a non-horror film.

[46:10] That's weird.

[46:11] I'm gonna say...

[46:12] Let's see.

[46:12] You're looking...

[46:13] It's...

[46:13] Twilight New Moon is the other option.

[46:15] You're looking for a movie you can watch with you and your lady friend.

[46:19] Or, if you're a lady, a movie you can watch with your lady friend.

[46:22] Since it's my fantasy.

[46:23] So, that's the way it's gonna work.

[46:26] And I would say the other movie is a classic that you may have seen before.

[46:32] I've seen it many times and I've watched it again recently.

[46:34] A little thing called Singing in the Rain.

[46:36] Which is the greatest musical ever made on film.

[46:41] I watched it again recently because I read a book about it.

[46:44] It made me excited to see it again.

[46:45] And it is impossible to watch without enjoying it to some extent, I would say.

[46:51] Unless you hate musicals, in which case you're screwed because you're not gonna enjoy Twilight New Moon probably either.

[46:58] Okay.

[46:59] But Singing in the Rain is a lot of fun.

[47:00] So, you're saying a person who would like a musical would probably like Twilight New Moon?

[47:04] I think so.

[47:04] Okay.

[47:05] But you'd like Singing in the Rain more because it's a better movie.

[47:08] Okay.

[47:08] But it's a lot of fun.

[47:09] And one of the things that I was watching about it this past time was, in a way, Singing in the Rain is the hot tub time machine of its day.

[47:17] Because it was made in the 50s, but much of it is about, like, hey, remember in the 20s how funny we dressed?

[47:23] Like, remember all the stupid things we did in the 20s?

[47:26] Like, the same way that hot tub time machine is about people from today saying, remember the dumb things we did in the 80s?

[47:32] So, it's kind of neat to look at it from that angle as a nostalgia movie for a time that we are nostalgic for now.

[47:38] Yeah.

[47:39] We're farther from it now than it was from the time that it is nostalgic for and making fun of.

[47:44] And that's kind of a neat way to, a new angle to look at it if you've seen it before.

Dan McCoy

[47:48] I've been sitting here through this entire time while you've been recommending things, thinking to myself, what am I going to recommend?

[47:57] Because even though we've been doing this for two and a half years, if not longer, apparently I haven't learned to come up with a recommendation before we start taping.

[48:11] Yeah, you should.

[48:12] Like, I should have expected that this segment of the show would come up.

[48:18] Especially because I introduced it.

[48:21] And I have nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[48:24] Wow.

[48:24] So, Twilight New Moon is the only movie in the store.

[48:27] You're stuck watching that or, I guess, talking to whoever you live with.

[48:30] I mean, no way.

Dan McCoy

[48:31] You don't want to do that.

[48:33] And maybe, I mean, the fact that I...

[48:35] What do you even talk about?

[48:37] Nothing.

[48:38] The fact that I, you know, during my nose surgery period, I didn't have any drinks.

[48:44] Then I had some drinks tonight and may have woozed me up a little.

[48:46] Don't blame the alcohol.

[48:47] Hazed it up a little.

[48:49] Don't blame surgery.

[48:50] No.

[48:51] Part of it is I have not been watching a lot of movies lately.

[48:54] What I have watched, I watched...

[48:59] Watched some TV?

[48:59] Breaking Bad.

[49:00] You watched Twilight New Moon.

[49:02] I'm going to break the rules.

[49:04] And because it's the only thing I can think of, I'm going to recommend Breaking Bad.

[49:06] You're breaking the rules bad.

[49:08] Mm-hmm.

[49:09] Now, people...

[49:10] I know there's some big Mad Men proponents out there.

[49:16] I like Mad Men.

[49:16] Yeah, it's called the Television Academy.

[49:19] I think it's an enjoyable show.

[49:21] I think it's a good show.

[49:23] I think it's fun.

[49:25] But I'm here to say F Mad Men.

[49:29] What?

[49:29] F Mad Men.

[49:30] I think Breaking Bad is a superior drama program.

[49:35] So, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[49:36] Elliot's hopping mad over there.

[49:37] I'm literally hopping like Humple Stiltzkin.

[49:40] Like a Chinese hopping vampire.

[49:43] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[49:44] Don't throw any rice on the ground.

[49:45] I'm going to have to pick up every grain.

Dan McCoy

[49:47] I avoided it for a long time because I watched Weeds and I did not enjoy Weeds.

[49:51] I thought, okay, uh, Weeds, you know, like this will be fun.

[49:55] Then I watched it.

[49:55] I'm like, okay, well, this is just the usual, oh, suburbia has a dark side sort of satire

[50:01] thing.

[50:02] And then, uh...

[50:03] And so I avoided Breaking Bad because I thought, okay, this is going to be another...

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] It's like a mix of Weeds and Malcolm in the Middle, right?

[50:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:11] It's going to be like, oh, this middle class guy is going to turn to dealing drugs.

[50:17] That's going to be wacky.

[50:18] But then I watched it and it was so much more realistic and darker than I expected.

[50:22] Like Malcolm in the Middle.

[50:23] Yeah.

[50:24] Exactly.

[50:25] Like, that mom is such a bitch.

Stuart Wellington

[50:29] Malcolm in the Middle.

[50:29] That's that show right there.

[50:30] Underrated, guys.

[50:31] Yeah.

[50:31] Or am I thinking of Bernie Mac?

Elliott Kalan

[50:33] No.

[50:34] I'm thinking of Bernie Man.

[50:35] You're thinking of The Wicker Man.

Stuart Wellington

[50:38] That mom was a bitch.

[50:40] So to sum up, Breaking Bad.

[50:42] Okay.

[50:43] So we recommend a couple of movies and a TV show.

Elliott Kalan

[50:46] This blockbuster, I guess, has season one of Breaking Bad and Twilight Noon.

[50:50] On Blu-ray disc, sure.

[50:53] So, yeah, I guess that's...

[50:54] And there's also one of those knockoffs where it's like Treasure Chase, where it's a knockoff

[50:59] of National Treasure, you know.

[51:00] Okay, or Transmorphers.

[51:02] Yeah, Transmorphers or...

[51:04] Snakes on a Train.

[51:05] Snakes on a Train.

[51:06] Any of those movies, yeah.

[51:09] Surrogates.

[51:10] Surrogates was a major motion picture.

[51:12] Okay.

[51:13] It's a movie called Surrogate Surrogates.

[51:16] Surrogates Surrogate.

Stuart Wellington

[51:19] Sweet.

[51:20] Okay.

[51:21] So now what do we do, Dan?

[51:22] Now we sign off, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[51:24] I thought of another knockoff movie.

[51:26] The Hand That Rocks the Dreidel.

Stuart Wellington

[51:27] That's pretty good.

[51:28] I like it.

Elliott Kalan

[51:29] For The Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[51:32] I've been Dan McCoy.

[51:33] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin because I'm a vampire.

[51:37] Good night.

[51:38] Let's wait.

Stuart Wellington

[51:39] So that's the only reason you're going to continue to be Elliot Kalin?

Elliott Kalan

[51:41] Yeah, because vampires like stability.

[51:43] Status quo.

[51:44] Okay.

[51:44] Anybody who likes these books, I should make them feel terrible for their things they like.

[52:07] Yeah, exactly.

[52:08] Things that they care about and which touched them.

[52:10] Yeah.

[52:10] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode #58 - Twilight: New Moon

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