The Flop House: Episode #58 - Twilight: New Moon

[0:00] First vampires, now werewolves. Is there any monster they can't ruin by making it sexy?

[0:07] We discuss Twilight New Moon.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:40] I'm Stuart Wellington. Elliot Kaelin as himself.

[0:43] Wow, we're all here. Yeah, it's been a while, right?

[0:46] The original peaches. It's been a long time.

[0:48] It has. In the words of the Beatles, it's been a long,

[0:52] long, long time. And I was quoting the theme song from Enterprise

[0:59] starring Scott Bakula. Well, nerdier. That's what we've learned tonight.

[1:05] Hey, Bakula sounds like Dracula. That's a good lead in.

[1:10] Well, I'm a Segway. Dr. Segway has a good transition for us.

[1:15] Well, now that Elliot's done reacting to that Segway in the corner of the room.

[1:18] I'm not quite done yet. Whoa! Blew me away.

[1:21] We should talk about the film that we watched tonight, which was Twilight, colon, New Moon.

[1:28] I thought it was the Twilight Saga, colon. I thought it was Twilight Tharp, the choreographer.

[1:33] No, that's good. I like it. No, we watched a film, one of the many films

[1:38] involving both Draculas and werewolves. Draculas and Larry Talbots.

[1:44] Wolfman. There's a lot of wolfmans in this movie.

[1:48] Oh, so many wolfmans. Multiple manwolves.

[1:51] Should we, because this movie is kind of a big deal, right?

[1:55] It made a bunch of money. It made a lot of money. It was a huge release.

[1:57] Oh, yeah, I wanted to clarify, actually, up top, the thing about the flop house.

[2:01] Up top. Sure.

[2:03] There's a high five. People often get confused about the premise of the flop house

[2:08] because it's called the flop house and they get very hung up on the idea of...

[2:13] Are we in a house? Do drifters sit there?

[2:15] Well, no. Do we sell pancakes?

[2:17] That wasn't where I was going. I was going with the idea of the flop and what it means to be a flop.

[2:22] And people like to point out, on occasion, that films...

[2:28] The movies we see were actually successful.

[2:30] Yeah, financially successful, and Twilight New Moon...

[2:33] Such as Golden Dogs, Agent Dogs.

[2:36] And 10,000 B.C.

[2:38] Well, no, not that one, but Old Dogs and Twilight New Moon, which we watched tonight, was a huge film.

[2:46] Big financial success, a lot of buzz.

[2:49] And what I say to that is...

[2:51] Like a literal blockbuster.

[2:53] Yeah, the amount of money it made was enough to destroy a block of cement.

[2:57] If you dropped it on top of it.

[2:59] Yeah, probably.

[3:00] Yeah, in pennies.

[3:01] Well, what I always say about that is that we watch movies that are financial flops.

[3:06] We also watch movies that were critical flops.

[3:09] But even more so than that, in the words of Wayne's World, it's just a clever name.

[3:14] It's a name that, in fact, I'm kind of angry, in retrospect, that we use, because it's caused so much grief.

[3:21] It's a good name. What else were we going to call it? Bad Movie Guys?

[3:23] Oh, man, that was such a long list.

[3:26] I mean, I wasn't there during the founding stages of the show.

[3:29] Years ago, my working title...

[3:31] It was really years ago. That's the fucking sad thing.

[3:35] My working title in my brain of the podcast was just simply Bad Movie Night.

[3:40] Which is simple. It's clear. It's not a particularly clever name, but it gets it across.

[3:45] No, it's good. I mean, can we –

[3:47] Can we change it?

[3:48] No, it's too late.

[3:49] There's a lot of brand identity connected with the flop house.

[3:53] Only when it turns out that podcasts cause lung cancer should we change the name.

[3:57] Yeah, I mean the point is I googled Bad Movie Night, and there were already a few things by that name even so.

[4:04] Well, there's stuff called the flop house.

[4:06] Really?

[4:07] Probably.

[4:09] I do know that if you google –

[4:10] I don't know.

[4:11] Can't back that one up.

[4:12] Nope.

[4:13] If you google flop house and podcast, there's apparently like a podcast that does jazz music out of Boston.

[4:22] It's called the Flop House Sessions.

[4:24] Oh, they mean flop house in the old-fashioned way of a house for itinerant vagrants probably.

[4:30] Right. Well, I just like to think –

[4:32] I was going to say vagrants too. We're really connected in that area.

[4:35] A mystical connection.

[4:38] I like to think that there are a bunch of Boston jazz fans who have found our podcast looking for that other show.

[4:46] Maybe because it's the movies we don't see.

[4:48] What?

[4:49] Just like in jazz.

[4:50] Right. Yeah.

[4:52] A material.

[4:54] I think it might be important to address that at least that I went into this movie without having seen the first movie.

[5:03] Me also.

[5:04] Or reading any of the books these movies are based on.

[5:06] And I watched the first movie earlier this week as research for this podcast.

[5:13] In like a screening room or a theater?

[5:15] Yeah, he rented out the Miramax screening room.

[5:17] I watched it on my iPhone on the subway.

[5:19] Oh, okay. On the subway.

[5:21] But I thought at least one of us should have seen the first movie.

[5:23] So you saw it in 20-minute chunks.

[5:25] Yep. And you were wearing like –

[5:27] Well, no. I have a commute up to Harlem.

[5:30] Commute?

[5:33] That's what I call it when I'm on the subway with a lot of communists.

[5:36] I see. But probably you were distracted because while you were watching, you were playing the game of like if this subway car was a desert island, which woman would I have sex with?

[5:44] Who would we eat?

[5:46] Who would we kick off the island?

[5:47] I actually do play that game fairly frequently.

[5:49] Yeah, well, I'm sure everybody does.

[5:51] No, no. I watched it in about 35-minute chunks.

[5:57] And I was telling you this story.

[5:59] 35-minute chunks would have been a better name for a podcast.

[6:02] That's a good name. Well, the podcast has to be 35 minutes long.

[6:05] We never have one that short.

[6:06] That's like a vomit podcast though, 35-minute chunks.

[6:10] Yeah, but – okay, fine.

[6:12] No, but I watched Twilight on the subway, and I was saying before that right before watching Twilight on my iPhone, I was listening to the Dan Savage, Savage Love podcast on my iPhone.

[6:25] And I thought to myself after doing these two things in close succession, when did I become gay?

[6:33] I was looking at his watch.

[6:34] A couple years ago.

[6:35] He was aware of it before I was.

[6:37] You're checking your watch, and the answer is in years.

[6:42] He has a really fancy watch.

[6:44] He transformed in the words of Twilight, I think.

[6:47] Yeah.

[6:48] The words of Transformers 2, Rise of the Fallen.

[6:51] Sure.

[6:53] So Elliot –

[6:55] Let me tell you the 20 minutes of plot which encompasses the two-hour plus running time of Twilight New Moon.

[7:02] Two hours and nine minutes.

[7:04] Bella is a girl who's in love with a vampire named what, Edward Cullen?

[7:07] Is that his name?

[7:08] Yeah, that's his name.

[7:09] And she knows he's a vampire, right?

[7:10] She knows he's a vampire.

[7:11] They're in high school.

[7:12] He still goes to high school despite being a 100-year-old vampire.

[7:14] Does he get really good grades?

[7:16] I hope so.

[7:17] The one class will see them, and he knows Romeo and Juliet by heart, so he shows up the Sonati professor.

[7:22] It's probably good for him because when I was a high schooler, I really couldn't appreciate that class.

[7:26] It's better to go back as an older student.

[7:28] No, I agree. That's true.

[7:29] They make a stab at explaining this in the first movie.

[7:32] They're like, okay, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves.

[7:34] But wouldn't an ageless senior draw more attention?

[7:39] Someday you're going to graduate, Edward.

[7:41] Your grades have been so bad.

[7:42] I mean you've been in the school for 50 years now.

[7:46] You should stop taking those AP courses, you know.

[7:49] But apparently in the previous film, there was an evil vampire who came after Bella to get revenge at Edward for killing her boyfriend, the vampire's boyfriend.

[7:59] Wait, what?

[8:00] Don't worry about it.

[8:02] So Edward says, if you're around me, you're going to get hurt.

[8:06] So instead, I'm going to tell you that I have to leave, and he leaves.

[8:09] He goes to Italy.

[8:10] He goes to Italy, and she starts falling in.

[8:13] She becomes friends with a Native American boy who lives nearby.

[8:17] With great hair, really long hair.

[8:19] With long, flowing locks.

[8:20] Jacob is his name.

[8:22] Jacob, I didn't get that.

[8:23] I never knew his name.

[8:24] And at the same time, she's obsessed with getting – apparently whenever she's in danger, she has visions of Edward.

[8:30] And so she's searching for greater and greater thrills.

[8:33] She becomes a thrill seeker.

[8:34] A thrill killer.

[8:35] Not a thrill killer, but a thrill seeker.

[8:37] And it turns out Jacob has a crush on her.

[8:40] They start getting closer.

[8:42] Jacob's a werewolf.

[8:43] What?

[8:44] He falls in with a band of –

[8:45] Wait, what?

[8:46] Yes, he falls in with a band of skinwalkers or whatever they're called.

[8:50] Sure.

[8:51] Other young werewolves.

[8:53] And this is when my memory is hazy because my brain started shutting down at certain points.

[8:59] Well, to be fair, the movie started shutting down too.

[9:02] While we watched this, there was a period – we watched it on streaming from Amazon.

[9:08] And there was a period for about 20 minutes where we were having trouble loading the film.

[9:13] Yeah.

[9:14] And Elliot kept pitching the idea of us just doing a podcast in the first hour of the movie because Elliot's always keen on getting out of here as quickly as possible.

[9:24] I'm an old man.

[9:25] I like to get home early.

[9:26] He's a streetwalking cheetah after this.

[9:28] Yeah.

[9:29] With a hide full of napalm, yeah.

[9:33] So anyway, Edward comes – no, he doesn't come back.

[9:39] Yeah, like she finds out that he's going to, like, get himself killed by the vampire police.

[9:44] He loves her, but he –

[9:45] All right, all right, guys.

[9:46] Let me step in.

[9:47] He loves her, but he can't live without her, so he's going to go sacrifice himself somehow.

[9:52] No, no, no, no, no.

[9:53] Let me step in.

[9:54] No, that sounds right.

[9:55] By the vampires, ordinarily.

[9:57] The evil vampires who threaten Bella.

[10:00] At the end of the first movie, which was just called Twilight,

[10:03] one of them comes back, actually both of them,

[10:08] both of the two remaining ones come back, but more importantly,

[10:10] like the girl comes back, threatens Bella, like there's a big fight,

[10:15] like Bella goes off, jumps off a cliff, conks her head,

[10:21] Jacob the werewolf pulls her out, and they go back home.

[10:25] Now they're saving her from the evil vampire.

[10:28] They go back home, and there's a phone call from Edward,

[10:34] which Jacob picks up on for some reason, even though it's not his house.

[10:38] It's rude.

[10:39] And Edward, in fact...

[10:41] Where did he grow up, in a barn?

[10:42] I mean, he's not wearing a shirt most of the movie, so...

[10:44] Well, I forgot to mention that about the werewolves,

[10:46] is that they almost never wear shirts.

[10:49] Yep.

[10:49] They're just walking around, no shirt on.

[10:51] The other weird thing is that they can transform into creatures

[10:56] covered completely in hair, and yet the werewolves have no

[10:59] discernible body hair, other than the hair.

[11:01] Well, that's because they're all, like, teen models.

[11:04] Oh, okay.

[11:04] They're all ripped.

[11:05] They're all ripped as all get out.

[11:06] They are shredded.

[11:07] Yeah, just cut.

[11:08] The point is...

[11:09] Just fucking jagged up.

[11:11] When Edward calls...

[11:12] Just completely brooked.

[11:16] Totally squeeze-gloed.

[11:19] Just super blasted.

[11:22] And finds that...

[11:23] Rocked up.

[11:25] That Bella is not answering her own phone.

[11:28] He assumes that the vision that his sister Alice had of Bella dying is true.

[11:36] That Bella's dead.

[11:37] And Bella's dead.

[11:38] And he has no reason to live anymore.

[11:39] He has no reason to live anymore, so he's gonna kill himself.

[11:42] And so, Alice and Bella then have to race to Italy.

[11:46] Italy.

[11:47] And save him.

[11:49] There's probably a lot of babies with the name Bella nowadays, don't you think?

[11:53] Yeah, and a lot of mushrooms.

[11:54] What?

[11:55] Oh, right.

[11:56] This type of baby Bella.

[11:58] Anyway, when they get there, there's a bunch of...

[12:01] You know, like there's a big vampire, you know, poof-a-ram.

[12:06] There's like a vampire court that they go to, and the vampires...

[12:09] They find out that Bella...

[12:11] Each of the vampires has their own special power.

[12:13] Some can see the future, some are telekinetic.

[12:15] Like the X-Men?

[12:16] Yes, exactly.

[12:17] They're basically the X-Men.

[12:18] And Bella is completely immune...

[12:20] Is there a gambit?

[12:21] Not yet, but probably at some point.

[12:24] Bella is immune to their powers, so they're fascinated by her.

[12:27] And she...

[12:28] What about a wolverine?

[12:29] Okay, come on, let's...

[12:31] Jacob's maybe the wolverine, because he's kind of...

[12:34] He had the animal inside him burst loose.

[12:36] I like that guy, then.

[12:39] Anyway, so there's a foo-for-all with the vampire court.

[12:43] It ends with a stalemate, kind of a draw.

[12:46] And with Bella saying that she'll become a...

[12:49] Because she's a liability to the vampires, because she knows too much about them,

[12:52] she'll become a vampire and join them.

[12:54] Everything's solved.

[12:55] There's like 40 more minutes to the movie where they talk about this.

[12:59] And then at the end, there's a final stare-down between Jacob, the werewolf,

[13:04] and Edward, the vampire.

[13:06] It's a real love triangle.

[13:08] It's a real...

[13:09] Yeah, it's like a love scattered pieces of dust on the floor.

[13:14] There's no tension or romantic chemistry between any of them.

[13:18] What's the climax of the movie?

[13:20] At the very end, Edward says,

[13:23] I'll turn you into a vampire, but we gotta be together forever.

[13:26] And she says, that's what I wanted.

[13:28] And he goes...

[13:28] That's what I would ask a teenage girl, by the way.

[13:30] And he says, will you marry me?

[13:31] And she goes, and then it cuts to the credits.

[13:34] And I assume Twilight 3 picks up at that moment with her denying him.

[13:37] Yeah, in Phantasm I and II, however, it immediately jumps into the...

[13:41] Exactly.

[13:42] I mean, that's not...

[13:43] That is not the climax of the movie, unless you mean climax in the sense of

[13:47] all the teenage girls coming to climax in the theater.

[13:51] As they fantasize about Edward, the vampire, marrying them.

[13:54] Yeah, exactly.

[13:55] The climax of the film...

[13:55] I gotta tell you, sexy vampires have changed a lot since Dark Shadows.

[14:00] They don't wear shirts as often.

[14:02] The climax of the film, I guess, is Bella rushing to keep Edward

[14:07] from committing suicide by revealing himself as a vampire.

[14:11] Which involves her running through a fountain and pushing him.

[14:13] And I believe this was the point of the movie in which I turned to Elliot

[14:17] and said, is this movie shitting me?

[14:20] Because, like, what the fuck kind of climax is that?

[14:22] Well, at this point...

[14:23] It looks like the poster for that Angels and Demons movie

[14:26] starring Tom Hanks and John Travolta's hair.

[14:29] Yes.

[14:31] John Travolta's hair played itself.

[14:33] Yeah, the hair he wore in that Swordfish movie.

[14:37] Oh, man, John Travolta's hair had such an ostentatious trailer on that film.

[14:43] But it's a movie that's shown that it cannot handle action or excitement

[14:47] in the fact that it involves multiple fights between werewolves

[14:51] and they are boring as all get out.

[14:52] Well, but also, like, we talked about a lot of plot in that synopsis just now.

[14:58] But most of that plot occurs in the first 20 and last 20 of the film.

[15:03] And then in the meantime...

[15:04] There's a lot of meandering.

[15:05] There's a lot of hanging out.

[15:07] There's a lot of...

[15:08] Everything.

[15:08] Every scene is longer than it should be.

[15:10] They're all really long.

[15:11] The characters pause a lot while they're talking unnecessarily.

[15:14] And blink a lot.

[15:15] Yeah, well, that's because they're all wearing vampire contacts.

[15:17] You guys were, in particular, complaining about how difficult it was

[15:20] just to understand the dialogue.

[15:21] Well, that's the thing.

[15:22] The mumbliest fucking people.

[15:24] Like, I saw you guys turn into old men in front of my eyes.

[15:27] It was ridiculous.

[15:28] I felt old watching the movie, not just because I didn't recognize

[15:31] any of the bands that played songs in it,

[15:34] didn't understand the appeal of the movie or anything like that,

[15:37] but also because...

[15:37] Like, who are these people?

[15:39] Why are they in my television?

[15:41] Where's Glenn Miller?

[15:43] But the idea that...

[15:45] I mean, all the characters are whispering or mumbling.

[15:48] Maybe it's your sound system.

[15:49] The audio recording sounded terrible.

[15:51] Yeah, Dan's sound system sounded really bad.

[15:53] All right, guys.

[15:54] The screen's so small.

[15:56] But it was really hard to like...

[16:00] Their words were not, you know, legible often.

[16:04] I didn't think that one guy was speaking English for the first half of the movie.

[16:08] So it was...

[16:08] The one with the boxer's face.

[16:11] Boxer's face?

[16:12] Yeah, like the smashing face of the guy.

[16:15] Which vampire?

[16:16] The main vampire?

[16:17] Yeah, he's got like a little smushed face.

[16:20] Yeah.

[16:21] If I was going to describe him, I'd be like the vampire with the stupid haircut.

[16:27] Okay.

[16:27] Well, I would call him the star of the film.

[16:29] Yeah, all right.

[16:30] Although he's not in a lot.

[16:31] He's not.

[16:31] No, he's in like 40 minutes of a like 130-minute movie.

[16:38] 120 minutes, let's say.

[16:39] He was in it as Smoke a lot.

[16:43] He was in it as Smoke.

[16:44] He did appear as a vision made of smoke.

[16:47] Not as a knight named Sir Smoke a lot.

[16:51] The knight who was always last in getting to the adventure.

[16:55] No, yeah, that was the...

[16:56] That was a weird thing that, you know, Bella, as Elliot, you know,

[17:02] referred to, would see Edward, her vampire lover, whenever she was...

[17:07] In danger.

[17:08] In danger.

[17:09] So she put herself in danger, and we would see Edward as basically

[17:13] like these smoky apparitions that, yeah, if she ran her hand through,

[17:18] like, he would dissipate.

[17:20] Dissolve into mist.

[17:22] So she got way into like, what, auto-erotic asphyxiation or...

[17:25] No.

[17:26] No, she got on the back of a motorcycle once.

[17:28] Yeah, she asked some strange guy to take her on a motorcycle ride.

[17:31] How'd that end?

[17:33] She asked him to stop, and then he did.

[17:34] Yeah.

[17:36] He was a very accommodating cyclist.

[17:39] And at one time, she jumped off a cliff.

[17:41] Okay, like into, like, a quarry or...

[17:43] No, it was cliff diving.

[17:44] She jumped in the water.

[17:45] We had already seen people do it safely earlier in the film.

[17:47] Okay.

[17:48] One time, she went to see a movie called Punch Fist or something like that.

[17:52] Fist Punch.

[17:53] Fist Punch.

[17:53] Okay.

[17:54] And that apparently was a surreal adrenaline shot.

[17:58] Didn't do it.

[17:59] It sounded pretty good, though, if I remember.

[18:00] Yeah, there's a moment where they're watching this movie Fist Punch,

[18:03] and you just hear the soundtrack, and it's supposed to be a joke, I guess.

[18:05] It's like, I'm gonna blow your head off.

[18:07] If you try it, I'm gonna blow your head off.

[18:09] Why don't I blow both your heads off?

[18:12] Let's do this thing.

[18:13] And then just you're shooting, and it's like,

[18:14] oh, I wish I was watching that movie.

[18:16] Fist Punch sounds so good right now.

[18:18] Yeah.

[18:20] I gotta...

[18:21] They took a lot of liberties with the life of Bella Bartok in this film.

[18:24] Yeah.

[18:27] Unless it was about the life of Bella Abzug.

[18:29] Or Bella Lugosi.

[18:31] Mm-hmm.

[18:32] I don't think so.

[18:33] Which, by the way, let's take this moment

[18:37] to shout out to our mutual friend, Stuart.

[18:42] We have another friend named Stuart?

[18:44] No, I'm...

[18:46] Do you know what a shout out is, Sam?

[18:49] I'm making sure you're paying attention.

[18:50] Okay.

[18:51] Our mutual friend, Bill.

[18:53] I'm looking for my phone, actually.

[18:54] Who would do an impression of Bella Lugosi,

[18:58] which would be him putting his coat over his head,

[19:02] and then going, I'm Bella Lugosi,

[19:06] and chasing you around the room.

[19:08] That's a pretty good one.

[19:09] So, Bill, that was a good impression.

[19:12] Yeah.

[19:13] Very accurate.

[19:14] Don't worry, audience.

[19:15] I'm as uninterested as you are.

[19:17] Let's get back to the movie, shall we?

[19:19] So, it's a slow, meandering movie with not enough...

[19:22] not as much plot as it seems to think it has.

[19:24] And it's one of these movies where it's like,

[19:28] it assumes that the audience, I think,

[19:29] is already emotionally invested in it.

[19:31] So, there's no reason to worry about getting you involved

[19:34] or making the characters seem interesting.

[19:36] Well, I mean, to be honest,

[19:38] there is no one who's watching this movie

[19:40] that's not already emotionally invested.

[19:41] Probably.

[19:42] Well, there might be people who are like,

[19:43] I wonder what all the fuss is about this Twilight.

[19:45] Yeah, but, I like werewolf men,

[19:49] but I don't like the vampires.

[19:51] I like Underworld.

[19:52] Let's try this.

[19:53] That's the only justification I can think of, sure,

[19:56] because no one's going to just dip into this movie

[19:58] and be like, hmm.

[20:00] I'm curious about this Twilight sensation, but I don't want to watch the first movie in the series.

[20:05] I like True Blood, but it's a little too blue for me.

[20:08] Uh-huh, um...

[20:10] Because they have vampires in that, too.

[20:12] I gotta say, alright, here's the thing.

[20:14] I mentioned that I watched the first, uh, Twilight movie.

[20:18] Yeah.

[20:18] Okay.

[20:19] And I have to say...

[20:19] And we didn't make fun of you that much.

[20:20] No, only a little bit.

[20:21] Well, you'll make fun of me here.

[20:22] Okay.

[20:23] Oh, boy, let's get ready.

[20:24] I kind of enjoyed the first movie.

[20:26] Mellie, you want to feel this one?

[20:29] Wouldn't recommend it.

[20:30] Would not recommend it, necessarily.

[20:31] But, like, for what it was, I'm like, okay, yeah, I see what this is doing.

[20:34] I mean, the first movie...

[20:35] And then you, I assume, signed up for a subscription to Seventeen.

[20:39] Uh-huh.

[20:40] Or, uh, Young and...

[20:42] Tiger Beats.

[20:43] Tiger Beats, Bob.

[20:44] I was gonna say Ranger Rick, so I think I'm way off.

[20:46] Yeah, I know.

[20:47] Ranger Rick is a little too young, but you gotta bring it up a little bit.

[20:50] The thing about the first movie, like...

[20:53] Ranger Rick is one of the great magazines where, I think, they assume you're...

[20:57] They know you're gonna grow out of the magazine, so it's just a cycle of the same issues over and over again.

[21:02] I think they have about 24 issues.

[21:04] And I remember...

[21:05] And Zoo Books is kind of the same way.

[21:07] But I remember my brother having a Ranger Rick subscription and being like,

[21:10] Baby Ducks, again?

[21:12] I have Baby Ducks.

[21:16] What, did they come out with some new Baby Ducks?

[21:18] Come on.

[21:20] For 1983?

[21:21] This just in, Baby Ducks.

[21:23] Baby Ducks.

[21:25] Kangaroos have pouches.

[21:27] Yeah, but, uh, I mean, the thing about the first movie...

[21:29] If nothing else, it had some actual...

[21:31] It actually had some beautiful cinematography, the first movie.

[21:34] But also, the first movie was directed by Kathryn Hardwick,

[21:38] who directed, uh, 13, which is not a good movie.

[21:42] But it...

[21:43] It is the sort of movie that you would want someone to have on their resume if they're gonna do a Twilight film.

[21:49] I mean, like, that's such a overwrought teenage melodrama.

[21:53] And it comes from such a, like, a female perspective that you can see where they're like,

[21:57] Okay, perfect for Twilight.

[21:59] You know, like, this person can really plug into that just, like,

[22:03] amped up teenage girl emotion, uh, quality.

[22:08] Anxious stuff.

[22:09] Yeah, and this movie...

[22:10] They kind of like keeping a journal, making a mixtape.

[22:13] Yeah.

[22:14] You know, uh...

[22:15] Like a quilt?

[22:16] They make quilts with other women.

[22:18] How to make an American quilt.

[22:19] That's what we're talking about.

[22:20] I mean, quilting bees are all the rage these days with the young kids.

[22:23] Uh-huh.

[22:24] The young Amish.

[22:25] But there's, like, a real intense sincerity to that film that almost, like, put it over.

[22:29] Whereas this movie, it was directed by, uh, Chris Weiss.

[22:32] What else did he do?

[22:33] He did...

[22:34] Well, I mean, he started out well.

[22:35] I mean, he made American Pie and A Battle Boy, which are two, like...

[22:38] Oh, classics.

[22:39] Not...

[22:40] No, well, I'm not...

[22:41] I'm not arguing for them as great movies.

[22:42] Where's his Academy Award?

[22:43] I'm not arguing for them as great movies, but they...

[22:47] Hey, wasn't that the movie where the guy has sex with a pie dance?

[22:49] Oh, for Christ's sake.

[22:51] Neither are movies that I love.

[22:53] Wasn't that the movie that was about a boy?

[22:56] They're both solid, like, just entertainments.

[23:00] And then he, like, took a real dip down.

[23:03] He made The Golden Compass, which was just boring.

[23:05] That was too bad.

[23:06] That was a wasted opportunity, The Golden Compass.

[23:08] That was very boring.

[23:09] And this movie, just, like, he just didn't seem to have any feel for it at all.

[23:12] Yeah.

[23:14] It felt like it was...

[23:15] Yeah, it was directed by somebody who wasn't that interested in making this movie.

[23:20] Or for shelling out a couple of claims to get some good special effects, you know?

[23:24] Yeah, and also terrible special effects.

[23:26] Yeah, talking about...

[23:27] I mean, obviously...

[23:28] Talking about those werewolves, Stuart.

[23:29] Those wolfmen were, like...

[23:31] They were super phony-looking.

[23:33] Like, as you were saying, the monster in Neverending Story looks more realistic.

[23:37] Yeah.

[23:38] They look like cartoons.

[23:39] Like, I think one of them's going to jump into a fucking, like, drag racer and go driving around.

[23:44] Yeah.

[23:45] Just step in behind Jabberjaw and go off on him.

[23:48] Yeah, absolutely.

[23:49] They don't even look like they have any, like, musculature.

[23:51] They just look like hair blobs.

[23:52] Well, they look like stuffed animals that are running around and biting each other, but, like, cartoony.

[23:57] And slow-motion-y.

[23:58] Mm-hmm.

[23:59] Like, if What's-His-Name from Monsters, Inc. had wandered in and joined the werewolf pack,

[24:04] I would have been like, all right, okay, this makes sense to me.

[24:06] This doesn't seem out of place.

[24:07] Visually, this makes sense to me.

[24:09] Plot-wise, I'd actually be very excited.

[24:12] I'd be like, all right, this movie's going into a weird area.

[24:14] Yeah.

[24:15] It's a real crossover that's going on.

[24:17] So, vampires and werewolves exist, and also cartoony monsters.

[24:20] Now, do you think part of the reason why they didn't seem to give a shit about their special effects

[24:25] is because they assumed that the people who are actually interested in this movie are generally female?

[24:30] Because I find that most women...

[24:31] And females are, like, half-blind.

[24:33] But, no, what I'm saying...

[24:34] They don't have, like, the visual acuity.

[24:37] I'm saying that most women that I talk to, like, I'll watch a movie and be like,

[24:41] oh, man, that shitty computer graphic special effects.

[24:44] And they're like, what? Who cares?

[24:46] Like, I'm paying attention to the actual story.

[24:48] Because they're sensible people.

[24:50] Yeah, and I'm like, I don't care for that computerized monster.

[24:54] Well, they're all just waiting for the moment when Pattinson takes his shirt off at the end.

[24:58] Yeah.

[24:59] No, he doesn't. He never takes his shirt off.

[25:02] When he's going to walk off into the sun to reveal himself.

[25:05] Who's that?

[25:06] You know, the vampire.

[25:07] Oh, yeah.

[25:08] Oh, yeah.

[25:09] He's painfully skinny, though, when he does that.

[25:11] Yeah, but girls like that.

[25:12] They do?

[25:13] Yeah, it's called heroine chic.

[25:15] That's very big now, the reedy look.

[25:17] They don't like the guys like the werewolves who've got musculature.

[25:21] Like, those werewolves, as brought up before...

[25:24] Sculpted.

[25:25] They were just sand wrapped.

[25:27] Shirtless all the time.

[25:29] Like, at the end...

[25:30] Marble.

[25:31] There's a big standoff with the werewolf and the vampire.

[25:35] Like, there's a shirtless guy standing in the middle of the road.

[25:39] I was waiting here.

[25:41] I didn't have time to put on a shirt before I was waiting for you.

[25:43] I was waiting for the car to get up to him and him to punch the car off the road.

[25:47] I wish there really was a scene where the one guy figured out he was a werewolf.

[25:52] He collected all of his shirts and all of his normal pants and, like, put them in a big garbage bag.

[25:57] And then he filled all his drawers with, like, old navy cargo shorts.

[26:05] And jams.

[26:07] And why is he wearing shoes?

[26:09] He's just going to explode his shoes off.

[26:11] Why is he wearing those shoes?

[26:13] They're kind of expensive shoes.

[26:14] They walked around always no shirt and just shorts.

[26:17] Then when they became werewolves, you'd see scraps of clothes bursting off.

[26:20] Like, they burst out of their pants.

[26:22] And you just have to imagine them...

[26:23] Oh, boy, did they.

[26:24] Imagine them hiding in the woods as their friends go back to get them pants.

[26:28] Because they ripped their pants.

[26:31] Yeah, they have the stash.

[26:33] Larry, could you come?

[26:35] I wolfed out again.

[26:36] Could you just...

[26:37] I really need some pants.

[26:38] Wait, they say wolfed out, too.

[26:40] Yeah, always.

[26:41] And they dance that dance.

[26:43] My pants are in my bottom drawer.

[26:45] Where'd they get the cell phone from?

[26:47] Like, was it disguised in a tree?

[26:49] They've got cell phones stashed all over the woods.

[26:51] Sure, but why don't they just stash pants?

[26:53] I was going to say, why don't they just stash the pants then?

[26:55] That's how stupid the movie is.

[26:57] They just don't get it.

[26:59] I was going to say, the movie would have been better if, like, Teen Wolf,

[27:01] one of them was in a school play about the Civil War.

[27:04] And that was the subplot.

[27:06] I think it would have been nice if they had a scene where one of these naked wolf men

[27:11] had to, like, talk to an animal, and the animal had to go, like, get him pants.

[27:17] That would have made sense.

[27:19] Yeah.

[27:20] That's the mythology of this film, maybe, because they all have special powers.

[27:23] By the way, guys, naked wolf men singing on Broadway right now.

[27:26] So get the tics.

[27:28] Get the tics.

[27:29] Get the tics.

[27:30] That's what they call them, tics, nowadays?

[27:32] They do it for that show.

[27:35] Watch out that those tics don't bite you, though.

[27:37] Danger.

[27:39] Oh, because they use alligators as tickets now on Broadway.

[27:43] Well, I didn't think it was the bite so much as the rolling you and drowning you

[27:46] that was dangerous about them.

[27:48] Sure.

[27:49] Alligators, I mean.

[27:50] Yeah.

[27:51] Well, tics can give you Lyme disease.

[27:52] That's the other problem.

[27:53] Okay.

[27:54] So, Twilight, sexy vampire, Stuart, what are your feelings?

[27:58] I could have, like, you know, I was kind of raised on Lost Boys.

[28:04] So, like, to me, when I imagine a sexy vampire.

[28:07] The sexiest vampire.

[28:08] Yeah, when I imagine a sexy vampire.

[28:10] It's Kiefer Sutherland.

[28:11] It's Kiefer Sutherland or the guy who played, what was it, Bill from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

[28:16] Alex Winter?

[28:17] Alex Winter, yeah.

[28:18] That's a sexy vampire.

[28:20] Really, like, he's got that real American hero, William Katt curl down his hair.

[28:27] Yeah, and Jason Patrick, when he starts becoming a vampire in that movie, he's really sexy.

[28:32] Maggots.

[28:33] So, how did you feel about, as someone who is hip-deep in the fantasy world.

[28:38] Oh, yeah, I love fantasy stuff.

[28:40] How did the vampire mythology.

[28:42] As someone who lives in a fantasy world of your own creation.

[28:45] Well, I'm not going to say that it isn't weird to see these vampire dudes, like, sparkling when the sun hits them.

[28:53] Like diamonds.

[28:55] Yeah, I don't know, like, they're really worried.

[28:57] Oh, like the superhero's ales.

[28:59] I guess they're worried that the sun is going to hit them because people will see them sparkling.

[29:03] Yeah.

[29:04] But, like, what's the big deal?

[29:06] They could just make up that they're, like, fucking angels or something.

[29:08] Well, the thing is, like, girls wear so much sparkly makeup now anyway.

[29:12] Like, just say I'm wearing a lot of makeup.

[29:14] Yeah, just hit Claire's Boutique and loaded up on sparkle paint.

[29:17] Well, but also the thing is, like, even in this universe, the Twilight universe, it's not like.

[29:22] Twilightiverse.

[29:23] People see sparkles and think vampires.

[29:25] It's not like that's a stereotype about vampires.

[29:28] So, it seems like, you know, like, no one who sees them sparkling is like, oh, those guys are fucking vampires.

[29:33] Let's go steak them.

[29:35] You know?

[29:36] Let's go give them some steak-ems.

[29:38] You said that really sensually, Dan.

[29:41] Let's go rub steaks all over their bodies.

[29:43] Let's steak them.

[29:45] They're aching for a steak-em.

[29:47] But, yeah, the monsters all.

[29:49] Well, a lot of these movies, I think at this point, I don't know why monsters in movies keep themselves a secret.

[29:56] If there's one vampire.

[29:58] Well, because about half of them are.

[30:00] good anyway if there's one that yeah if there's one vampire living in an area

[30:04] i can understand why he keeps up secret if there's a whole society of vampires

[30:08] and half of them are good guys anyway

[30:10] so that person you know there's a whole subculture of werewolves you know why

[30:14] at that point

[30:16] what he had to lose

[30:18] just true blood

[30:19] just be open about a man

[30:22] uh... yeah i hope so i message to all the monsters out there listening to this

[30:27] the uh... the werewolf family will understand

[30:30] the werewolves

[30:33] i mean the werewolves were pretty straightforward uh...

[30:36] although it wasn't full moon based

[30:38] even though the title of the movie was new moon

[30:40] and they

[30:42] they apparently don't feel the cold

[30:46] like like wolves don't or something which doesn't make any sense at all

[30:49] no like in real life wolves don't get cold

[30:51] they don't? that's why they live in space

[30:53] wow wait a minute you've just flipped my lid oh yeah space wolves

[30:59] because the cold doesn't bother them

[31:02] nice uh... i have nothing more to add to this topic

[31:05] speaking of wolves i don't care for that taylor lautner

[31:09] no? what don't you like?

[31:10] i don't know every time he came on screen i wanted to punch his stupid face is he the wolf?

[31:14] yeah yeah he's kinda he's got a slightly effeminate voice and he's kinda

[31:18] bland whoa whoa whoa i mean i don't

[31:20] it's not bad like that makes it sound like i'm gay bashing all of a sudden you're a homophobe anyway so

[31:25] i mean the guy who was watching twilight and listening to

[31:29] savage love i mean you're ashamed of who you are sure huh

[31:31] well stop hating

[31:32] is what you

[31:33] what you call it now i just like he i don't know in the in the in medicines

[31:37] called mccoy disease

[31:39] i the i don't know his that's transmitted anally right? by dan mccoy yes

[31:44] he just i

[31:45] no thank you i don't want that

[31:48] well he what's weird is that his stupid muscular neck and his he starts out with

[31:53] really long hair

[31:54] and then he cuts his hair which looks great and it's he looks so ridiculous that it's like

[31:59] i believe him then as like an awkward teen because he's got this stupid hair

[32:03] you know and i know stewart thinks it looks great it looks awesome he's got this

[32:06] long hair and he always looks a little befuddled and it's like

[32:09] i buy him as a teen and then when he turns

[32:11] angry

[32:12] he cuts all his hair off and he stops wearing a shirt

[32:15] and it's like

[32:16] and he gets a tattoo and he gets a tattoo and now he's just like a muscle guy like i don't buy him

[32:20] as a teen anymore

[32:22] and he you can you the hair is no longer covering up his thick neck

[32:25] that bothers dan so much

[32:28] just don't like necks guys

[32:30] just don't like necks

[32:32] you shouldn't be a vampire because that's where they drink their blood from

[32:37] sometimes

[32:39] what where else i'll talk about that later

[32:42] the other thing this is one of those movies where school is an option

[32:45] for students

[32:47] they uh... sometimes go to class sometimes not

[32:50] uh... the main character skips school but like in the beginning she's at school

[32:53] she has a circle of friends that she sometimes hangs out with

[32:56] those characters disappear from the movie oh like that up in the air chick

[33:00] yeah the anna kendrick anna kendrick from up in the air is one of them

[33:03] and uh... academy award nominee

[33:06] from this movie undeservedly so yes for new moon i liked her in up in the air

[33:10] i thought she was good i thought she did a fine job in a

[33:14] fine film

[33:15] academy award worthy

[33:18] yet will you like the guy who does not care

[33:21] for the academy awards in general so i'm still going to save it if it's a

[33:24] worthwhile award at all then

[33:26] but uh...

[33:27] it's yet there's some point those characters disappears you just don't

[33:30] know right

[33:31] national and she just stops going to school

[33:34] went to monique

[33:35] uh...

[33:36] amazing profound no apostrophe me

[33:40] it was a giant step forward for women with apostrophes in their name

[33:44] as i said it's good stuff on my live blog and i got about the response that

[33:49] uh... you gave me right now

[33:52] uh... so yeah they stopped going to school that was kind of weird yeah the movie

[33:56] just stops being tethered in any sort of reality

[33:58] and i mean it's already got werewolves and vampires so it's a fantasy movie but

[34:02] which seems weird that then they also made a point to have that scene where

[34:06] after her vampire boyfriend leaves

[34:08] she's like sitting in a chair looking out the window and the cameras panning

[34:11] around

[34:12] and it makes a point to like show the changing of seasons

[34:15] and

[34:16] to say the changing of the months puts the names of the months up in text on

[34:19] screen

[34:20] get it

[34:21] idiots

[34:23] time is passing older you don't realize that's about as value-added that's the

[34:27] twilight calendar policy that you're getting the private video camera

[34:31] calendar if you buy the dvd

[34:32] because there's only but they only show like three months right

[34:37] well it's not a good calendar there's not a lot of value added it was rushed into production

[34:41] it's the bare minimum amount of value they could add to the project i can only

[34:45] remember three months

[34:46] so it seems strange that they're going to try and ground like

[34:49] ground a movie in reality like that yeah but then completely disregard the fact

[34:53] that like

[34:54] yeah like she you know has to go to school because she's a normal person

[34:58] well they and that when it comes to normal person this thing that bothered me the

[35:00] most about the movie is i know it's a movie but

[35:04] he's a hundred-year-old vampire

[35:05] yes so if he falls in love with a woman i kinda buy it because

[35:10] he's been around the block

[35:11] she is what probably like sixteen

[35:15] seventeen seventeen

[35:16] she's seventeen that's old enough to party

[35:18] if you're seventeen and you fall in love with a guy

[35:20] and you don't see him for three months like you're you're like really mad for

[35:24] three months and then

[35:26] you get over it and then eventually you go with another guy there's like a muscular werewolf

[35:29] yeah she'll have these moments of like being a crazy person

[35:33] and probably write these like long missives in her in her diary yeah and

[35:37] then eventually but like i don't yeah poetry that's kind of... i don't buy someone and i'm

[35:41] sure and i mean it happens... maybe change her hair

[35:43] there are high school sweethearts who get married but i have trouble buying the idea that

[35:47] at age seventeen she's emotionally mature enough to recognize

[35:51] that she's met

[35:51] the love of her life that she wants to be with for eternity

[35:55] yeah not only the love of her life but uh... her afterlife

[35:58] whoa

[36:03] that's good vampire related humor now it's also interesting that in her

[36:08] you know sixteen seventeen years of experience

[36:11] she can provide enough interesting conversation to a one hundred year old

[36:16] dude

[36:18] you'd think every conversation would be like

[36:20] oh you don't

[36:21] you haven't heard about that

[36:22] oh it was before you were born or she'll be like let's do that and he'll be like

[36:26] uh... i did that like four hundred years ago and that's not that interesting

[36:30] i mean he's not actually... wait he's not over four hundred years

[36:33] no it's just like a hundred years

[36:34] he should be a lot more embarrassed when he introduces her to his friends

[36:38] yes

[36:39] he was kind of embarrassed

[36:41] yeah but i think it was more because she was a human

[36:44] and less because like she's like a stupid teenager

[36:49] i see that makes sense

[36:50] it's not like she said anything

[36:51] no it was just that they wanted to eat her blood

[36:54] i had a lot of difficulty reading his performance though

[36:57] she gets beat up and bloody so often in this movie

[37:01] and it's like i was saying to these guys it feels like

[37:04] an eighties like tna comedy where like the whole movie is just an excuse to get

[37:07] girls tops to fall off

[37:09] so that the main characters can see boobs

[37:11] this feels like almost every scene in the movie is an excuse for her to cut herself

[37:15] so that the vampires can

[37:17] you know have to force themselves not to kill her to drink the blood

[37:19] to lust over her blood but she gets battered

[37:23] and she bleeds so easily

[37:26] she gets battered and fried

[37:29] wait

[37:30] it's turned into a tales from the crypt

[37:32] well anyway maybe we should move along

[37:34] yeah i don't think there's much else to say so uh... twilight

[37:38] new moon

[37:40] sure final judgments

[37:42] on that

[37:43] is this a movie that was a uh... good bad movie

[37:46] a bad bad movie or a movie that you actually enjoyed

[37:50] elliot i'm going to say a bad bad movie i actively

[37:54] didn't enjoy it and i felt bad about that because if i could like

[37:57] inside i was saying like is this just because i'm like a movie snob or i went

[38:00] into it not wanting to like or an old man because you were literally shaking

[38:03] your fist or an old man i was literally shaking my cane at the screen

[38:07] but i genuinely did not

[38:08] enjoy it and found it

[38:10] poorly made so i'd say bad bad movie

[38:12] yeah i'm gonna agree like i said

[38:15] i marginally enjoyed the first movie

[38:18] like

[38:20] i don't know

[38:21] the first movie

[38:23] for me was able to plug into a certain sort of teenage angst where

[38:29] i could kind of step outside of it and be like

[38:32] alright objectively i can see this is stupid

[38:35] while i'm watching it i'd be willing to be swept up into it

[38:39] but this uh... film had all of the bad qualities of the first movie

[38:44] with none of like the

[38:45] sincere intensity that kind of made that work

[38:48] so uh... it just ended up being boring

[38:52] uh...

[38:53] i'm gonna say uh... bad bad movie

[38:56] and uh... that has nothing to do with my dislike of the werewolf of the vampire

[39:02] genre

[39:03] nor my dislike of teen romance uh... it's just yeah it was like every scene

[39:08] was a little bit too long

[39:10] uh...

[39:12] yeah it just it just didn't feel like there's any actual like heart or soul in

[39:16] this movie yeah it felt very mechanical

[39:18] stewart hates teen romance i hate teen romance he does not like to see people

[39:21] be happy

[39:22] especially not at a young age

[39:25] because i know that they're just gonna get hurt down the road

[39:28] by me you know that the credits just come up to shield from us what's gonna

[39:31] happen to those characters absolutely

[39:34] so uh... we don't have

[39:36] looks like you got a missive there well no i don't i don't have letter

[39:39] ooooh writing some letters listeners is this like a note you wrote yourself

[39:44] no it's a really cool doodle says dear dan you are great

[39:48] have a great day feel powerful love dan

[39:51] i wish that seems like it would make me feel empowered yeah he drew a picture of you

[39:56] with tiger powers

[39:58] now this is uh...

[40:00] like Tiger Woods? Yes, like Tiger Woods powers.

[40:03] Guys, don't you want to learn what it actually is? It's the results to the...

[40:06] I kind of like this bit we're doing. Alright, we'll learn it. It's the results to the Give Down Hook Contest.

[40:12] The results are in. Bated breath.

[40:15] And the winner

[40:17] is

[40:19] mournful sighing. Oh, the old classic. Yeah. Winner and champion.

[40:24] With 53

[40:26] .33% of the votes.

[40:30] It well outpaced the runner-up

[40:34] which was a Michael Caine impression at 15.56%.

[40:39] Michael Caine impression, huh? Yeah.

[40:41] What came in third place?

[40:43] Third place was a tie between the classy one

[40:47] and Hooks for Hands. Come on, if you people had been more on the ball, Dan would have had to pretend he had Hooks for Hands every episode.

[40:54] I'd like to thank you

[40:57] for picking mournful sighing because that means it's something that I already do

[41:02] and so I don't have to pretend

[41:04] that I'm going to actually pay attention to the one you've chosen for me. Could we have done some kind of an alliance

[41:09] and made a Michael Caine impression with Hooks for Hands? That would have been nice, a parliamentary thing. Yeah, I like it.

[41:15] Well, how many... will you tell the actual vote tally or is that too depressing?

[41:21] Too depressing.

[41:23] Well, I don't think it's... I think it's respectable. Too depressing? Like if there's too low a number.

[41:27] Oh, I thought you said tuna pressing. Yeah, is that pressing too much tuna?

[41:32] I didn't know that was like a cool euphemism that you guys in TV don't use.

[41:38] Well, it comes from the old days of TV to make the videotape last longer.

[41:41] They would press it between layers of tuna.

[41:44] The juices would seep in and preserve the film. I like it.

[41:47] It's that type of stuff that I like. Yeah, that's tales of old TV, yeah.

[41:53] No, I guess it's respectable enough. The top vote getter got 24 votes.

[41:58] Okay, that's not bad.

[41:59] So, um...

[42:00] The point is... I mean, it's not exactly, you know,

[42:03] Larry King and Ashton Kutcher fighting for Twitter. Well, you have to imagine that

[42:07] that every vote cast represents 100 listeners...

[42:12] Wow, we're doing great. ...who didn't bother

[42:16] to vote. So, the winner, of course, a mournful sighing is Ashley,

[42:24] the young lady who wrote in to assure me that I was as beloved as you were, Stuart.

[42:31] That was nice of you to lie to him.

[42:34] So, Ashley, you should write in with your address

[42:38] so we can get you that DVD of Stull with our commentary.

[42:42] And also, I'm in a generous mood, since we have multiple DVDs of Stull.

[42:47] Don't go all the way just yet.

[42:49] Ben, who came up with Michael Caine impression,

[42:53] you should write in with your address as well.

[42:56] And so, the second place, I think we can give an award out.

[43:00] Anything extra special for the first place, since the second place is getting...

[43:03] We could sign it.

[43:05] Yeah, we'll sign the first place.

[43:09] Maybe you could include this doodle you just did.

[43:12] Oh, the doodle of him with tiger powers?

[43:14] Yeah, that doodle you just did.

[43:16] It's no doodle. You're pointing to a blank piece of paper.

[43:19] I will not play along with your video.

[43:21] Damn, play along. It's the magic of radio theater.

[43:23] I will not play along with that game.

[43:25] Man, fuck you.

[43:27] Get me some cellophane. We'll pretend we're in front of a roaring fire.

[43:31] What's the next thing we do on this thing?

[43:33] The next thing we do...

[43:34] It has been a long time since we've done a recording with you, huh?

[43:37] I would recommend a movie.

[43:39] Say someone's in the video store, and the only two videos are Twilight, New Moon,

[43:44] and the video that you're about to recommend.

[43:46] I'd say two things.

[43:47] One, get Netflix.

[43:49] Netflix will save you trouble.

[43:51] Two, switch to DVD.

[43:54] Or Blu-ray disc.

[43:56] Which is DVD.

[43:58] It's a better definition.

[44:00] It's a different laser, Elliot.

[44:03] It's not a different enough format that I will give it a different name.

[44:06] But you can do all kinds of video games and shit on there.

[44:10] So, wait.

[44:12] Yeah, what are you going to recommend?

[44:13] Yeah, I'm into role-playing. Let me try this.

[44:16] Okay, so you are in a movie theater.

[44:19] Not a movie theater.

[44:21] You're in a movie theater.

[44:23] You're totally nude.

[44:25] No, that'd be weird.

[44:26] And Usher looks like Stuart walks down the aisle.

[44:30] You're in a video rental store.

[44:32] It's not a blockbuster.

[44:34] No.

[44:35] It's a local one.

[44:36] And all the movies, except for two, are rented out.

[44:40] Just like Dan said.

[44:41] One of them is Twilight Saga colon New Moon.

[44:44] And you, you know, like vampires and werewolves.

[44:48] You know, you don't think you're into it.

[44:51] And the other movie I'm going to recommend is an old-timey movie that I don't think I've recommended yet.

[44:55] It's a movie called Black Roses.

[44:58] It's not a werewolf movie.

[45:00] It's a horror movie.

[45:02] One of the reasons why I saw it when I was a kid was because the box had, like, a puffy cover that had, like,

[45:10] skeleton hands holding an electric guitar and, like, roses wrapped around it.

[45:15] That sounds awesome.

[45:16] And it's about this, like, demon rock band that shows up to this, like, sleepy town.

[45:23] And all the kids in the town start going to see this rock band, which is, like, playing every night.

[45:28] And they're slowly turning into demons.

[45:30] And it's pretty awesome.

[45:32] Sounds kind of like the movie Hard Rock Zombies.

[45:34] A little bit except Hard Rock Zombies, the band turns into zombies.

[45:38] Yeah.

[45:39] Yeah, this is different.

[45:40] In this movie, the band –

[45:41] And a Nazi demon eats itself.

[45:43] Yes, and it's very slow.

[45:45] In this movie, the band are, like, demons, and they turn people into demons.

[45:49] Because in Hard Rock Zombies, they're a regular rock band, and they're turned into zombies by Nazis.

[45:54] Okay.

[45:55] Yeah, that's not the movie I'm recommending.

[45:57] Yeah, your movie is probably much better than Hard Rock Zombies.

[45:59] It's actually really good.

[46:01] So – or, Ellie, what other movie might they want to rent if it was available?

[46:06] I'm going to recommend a non-horror film.

[46:10] That's weird.

[46:11] I'm going to say – let's say you're looking – Twilight New Moon is the other option.

[46:15] You're looking for a movie you can watch with you and your lady friend, or if you're a lady,

[46:20] a movie you can watch with your lady friend, since it's my fantasy.

[46:23] So that's the way it's going to work.

[46:26] And I would say the other movie is a classic that you may have seen before.

[46:31] I've seen it many times, and I watched it again recently.

[46:34] A little thing called Singing in the Rain, which is the greatest musical ever made on film.

[46:41] I watched it again recently because I read a book about it.

[46:43] It made me excited to see it again, and it is impossible to watch without enjoying it to some extent, I would say.

[46:51] Unless you hate musicals, in which case you're screwed because you're not going to enjoy Twilight New Moon probably either.

[46:58] But Singing in the Rain is a lot of fun.

[47:00] So you're saying the person who would like a musical would probably like Twilight New Moon?

[47:03] I think so.

[47:05] But you'd like Singing in the Rain more because it's a better movie.

[47:08] But it's a lot of fun, and one of the things that I was watching about it this past time was in a way

[47:14] Singing in the Rain is the hot tub time machine of its day because it was made in the 50s,

[47:19] and much of it is about like, hey, remember in the 20s how funny we dressed?

[47:23] Remember all the stupid things we did in the 20s?

[47:26] Like the same way that hot tub time machine is about people from today saying,

[47:29] remember how the dumb things we did in the 80s?

[47:32] So it's kind of neat to look at it from that angle as a nostalgia movie for a time that we are nostalgic for now.

[47:39] We're farther from it now than it was from the time that it is nostalgic for and making fun of,

[47:43] and that's kind of a neat way to – a new angle to look at it if you've seen it before.

[47:48] I've been sitting here through this entire time while you've been recommending things thinking to myself,

[47:54] what am I going to recommend?

[47:57] Because even though we've been doing this for two and a half years, if not longer,

[48:03] apparently I haven't learned to come up with a recommendation before we start taping.

[48:10] Yeah, you shouldn't.

[48:12] Like I should have expected that this segment of the show would come up.

[48:17] Especially because I introduced it, and I have nothing.

[48:22] Wow. So Twilight, New Moon is the only movie in the store.

[48:26] You're stuck watching that or I guess talking to whoever you live with.

[48:30] You don't want to do that.

[48:32] And maybe – I mean the fact that I –

[48:34] What are you even talking about?

[48:36] Nothing. I don't know.

[48:38] The fact that I – during my nose surgery period, I didn't have any drinks,

[48:43] and then I had some drinks tonight and it may have woozed me up a little.

[48:46] Don't blame the alcohol.

[48:47] Hazed it up a little.

[48:48] Don't blame the surgery.

[48:50] But part of it is I have not been watching a lot of movies lately.

[48:54] What I have watched, I watched –

[48:58] Watched some TV?

[48:59] Breaking Bad.

[49:00] You watched Twilight, New Moon.

[49:02] I'm going to break the rules, and because it's the only thing I can think of, I'm going to recommend Breaking Bad.

[49:06] You're breaking the rules bad.

[49:09] Now people – I know there's some big Mad Men proponents out there.

[49:16] I like Mad Men.

[49:17] It's called the Television Academy.

[49:19] I think it's an enjoyable show.

[49:21] I think it's a good show.

[49:23] I think it's fun.

[49:25] But I'm here to say F Mad Men.

[49:28] What?

[49:29] Mad Men.

[49:30] I think Breaking Bad is a superior drama program.

[49:35] Elliot's hopping mad over there.

[49:37] I'm literally hopping like Humble Stiltzkin.

[49:39] Like a Chinese hopping vampire.

[49:43] Don't throw any rice on the ground.

[49:45] You have to pick up every grain.

[49:47] I avoided it for a long time because I watched Weeds, and I did not enjoy Weeds.

[49:51] I thought, okay, Weeds.

[49:53] This will be fun.

[49:54] Then I watched it.

[49:55] I'm like, okay, well, this is just the usual.

[49:58] Oh, Suburbia has a dog.

[50:00] side sort of satire thing and so I avoided Breaking Bad because I thought, okay, this

[50:06] is going to be another...

[50:07] It's like a mix of Weeds and Malcolm in the Middle, right?

[50:10] Yeah.

[50:11] It's going to be like, oh, this middle class guy is going to turn to dealing drugs.

[50:17] That's going to be wacky.

[50:18] But then I watched it and it was so much more realistic and darker than I expected.

[50:22] Like Malcolm in the Middle.

[50:23] Yeah.

[50:24] Exactly.

[50:25] Like that mom is such a bitch.

[50:29] That's that show right there.

[50:30] Underrated, guys.

[50:31] Yeah.

[50:32] Or am I thinking of Bernie Mac?

[50:33] No.

[50:34] You're thinking of Bernie Man.

[50:35] You're thinking of the Wicker Man.

[50:38] That mom was a bitch.

[50:39] So to sum up, Breaking Bad.

[50:42] Okay.

[50:43] So we recommend a couple of movies and a TV show.

[50:46] This blockbuster, I guess, has season one of Breaking Bad and Twilight and New England.

[50:50] On Blu-ray discs, sure.

[50:51] So, yeah, I guess that's...

[50:52] And there's also one of those knockoffs where it's like Treasure Chase, where it's a knockoff

[50:59] of National Treasure, you know.

[51:00] Okay.

[51:01] Or Transmorphers.

[51:02] Yeah.

[51:03] Transmorphers.

[51:04] Or...

[51:05] Snakes on a Train.

[51:06] Snakes on a Train.

[51:07] Any of those movies.

[51:08] Yeah.

[51:09] Surrogates.

[51:10] Surrogates.

[51:11] It was a major motion picture.

[51:12] Okay.

[51:13] It's a movie called Surrogates, Surrogates.

[51:14] Or Surrogates, Surrogate.

[51:15] Sweet.

[51:16] Okay.

[51:17] So now what do we do, Dan?

[51:18] Now we sign off, Stuart.

[51:19] I thought of another knockoff movie.

[51:20] The Hand That Rocks the Dreidel.

[51:21] That's pretty good.

[51:22] I like it.

[51:24] For the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[51:25] I've been Dan McCoy.

[51:26] And I will continue to be Elliot Kalin because I'm a vampire.

[51:27] Good night.

[51:28] Let's wait.

[51:29] So that's the only reason you're going to continue to be Elliot Kalin?

[51:30] Yeah, because vampires like stability.

[51:31] Status quo.

[51:53] Yeah, exactly.

[52:08] Things that they care about and which touched them.

The Flop House: Episode #58 - Twilight: New Moon

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