The Flop House: Episode #62 - Legion

[0:00] You know what would be cool? Angels with Uzis.

[0:04] That's what the 13-year-old boy who wrote Legion thought.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] I am Elliot Kalin.

[0:41] Two in a row, guys.

[0:42] Yeah.

[0:43] Two in a row with all of us.

[0:44] It's a good run.

[0:45] Oh, man.

[0:47] And I am beat. Well, let's call it a day, huh?

[0:50] Well, I'm getting pretty old. Speaking of which...

[0:54] What, it's your birthday?

[0:55] Somebody's birthday is coming up.

[0:57] It's my birthday this Saturday.

[0:57] That's pretty sneaky the way you dropped that one in there.

[1:00] I don't see any gifts in you guys' hands.

[1:02] I don't know whether they're in your pocket.

[1:06] I prefer to give the gift of friendship.

[1:09] It's the gift that keeps on giving as long as I decide to.

[1:13] We're all getting older.

[1:14] I thought just showing up was a gift.

[1:17] Yeah, we're kind of at the age where presents are kind of phased out.

[1:19] I see.

[1:20] Yeah.

[1:20] So you believe that just every day is a gift.

[1:26] Yeah, really.

[1:27] Every day that we're alive and demons aren't killing our babies is a gift, right?

[1:31] Yeah, every day we're not barricaded in a diner with an angel fighting other angels.

[1:35] I don't understand this.

[1:36] Every day we don't have to watch...

[1:38] Simile, this metaphor.

[1:39] The movie Legion.

[1:39] The movie Legion is a gift.

[1:42] Oh, okay.

[1:43] Gift given to us by the Lord above.

[1:46] Today was not a gift.

[1:48] No, today was bad.

[1:50] I mean, it had its moments before I got here, obviously.

[1:53] It was a gift, but it was a bad gift.

[1:55] It was like the movie The Gift?

[1:57] exactly

[1:58] but the movie The Gift

[2:00] gave us the gift

[2:01] of Katie Holmes' breasts

[2:02] back when she was not

[2:03] crazy

[2:03] well I'll return that

[2:04] if the receipt's still around

[2:05] I'd rather have a gift

[2:08] I mean it's not like

[2:08] Terry Hatcher's breasts

[2:09] in Heaven's Prisoners

[2:10] yikes

[2:11] which are like two

[2:12] two sunny side eggs

[2:13] it's not like

[2:14] it's not like the movie

[2:14] The Gift

[2:15] two sunny side eggs

[2:16] no no I'd rather

[2:17] it's not like the movie

[2:17] The Gift aged with

[2:19] Katie Holmes

[2:20] yeah cause Katie Holmes

[2:21] is now an ancient hag

[2:23] no but she's like

[2:24] a crazy like

[2:25] you know

[2:26] she's Tom Cruise's

[2:27] I'd rather return, see if I can exchange it for the gift of Scarlett Johansson's boobs.

[2:31] Ah, that's a real trade-up.

[2:33] I'll pay the difference.

[2:34] I have a gift certificate to Celebrity Boobs.

[2:38] Is that how you work?

[2:39] If it is, give us a call.

[2:40] Is that a website, Celebrity Boobs?

[2:42] I assume it has to be.

[2:43] Oh, no, that's Mr. Skin.

[2:44] Sound nothing alike, but I'm sure they do the same thing.

[2:48] We have almost immediately derailed this into the gutter.

[2:51] You're the one who brought up your birthday.

[2:53] Let's try to check this wasn't a birthday podcast.

[2:57] Wasn't it a podcast where we talked about how old we were getting?

[2:59] It segued nicely into Legion.

[3:02] Not anymore.

[3:03] And then I went into breasts.

[3:05] So what are you doing for your birthday?

[3:07] I'm going to the New York City Brewfest, actually.

[3:11] Wait, really?

[3:12] On Governor's Island.

[3:13] Oh, wow.

[3:13] Wait, I thought we were hanging out.

[3:15] No, there's a party.

[3:16] When?

[3:17] At the Brewfest?

[3:18] No, it's later on.

[3:19] Oh, okay.

[3:20] It's after the Brewfest.

[3:21] This is an ill-conceived notion.

[3:23] And then what are you doing after?

[3:24] I'm sure that I will be tired and angry by the time I show up at my own party.

[3:28] Oh, just the way I like hanging out.

[3:29] Wait, are you going to post this before your birthday?

[3:30] Because if so, we could do a movie minute.

[3:34] No, we can't.

[3:35] Yeah, I was just going to say because we could promote your birthday party and see which local fans might want to show up to.

[3:42] No, I don't want to do that.

[3:43] Oh, that would be weird.

[3:43] Oh, wow, too good to hang out with your fans, huh?

[3:45] Yeah, what the fuck, dude?

[3:46] No wonder you don't have a hook.

[3:47] Elliot and I will talk to him.

[3:48] No wonder people don't like you.

[3:49] Yeah, I'd love to hang out with Flophouse.

[3:50] Yeah, I'd love to talk to some Flophouse fans.

[3:52] yeah we could talk about who their favorite flopper is yes hint wink wink you know what i

[3:58] mean i know you can narrow it down to two since one of you one of one of us hates you so yeah

[4:05] and his name is dan thanks for clarifying flop house fans like it when things are simple and

[4:12] clear yeah wait i now i think you're the one insulting them but anyway we watched a movie

[4:17] called legion legion um it starred paul bettany starred in a loose sense because it didn't really

[4:24] do that didn't do much and was not necessary for much of the movie didn't act a lot yeah stood

[4:30] around shot a bunch of guns shot machine guns one-handed uh it's a movie about uh religion

[4:37] oh yes this was a religious drama much like many much of ingmar bergman's work

[4:42] so it's it started it started paul bettany it also has um charles s dutton you might know him

[4:51] tv's rock yeah you might know him as the guy from mimic you might also know a little dennis quaid

[4:57] little dennis quaid is the kid version of dennis quaid who's on noggin

[5:03] uh uh the fabulous baker kids a minor character uh the girl from friday night lights yeah adrian

[5:13] padalecki that's her name from friday yeah friday night lights that what's that polish i have no

[5:19] idea i'm not her father if if this was the 30s in hollywood she would have been named like adrian

[5:24] pedals you know yeah she played she played tyra colette on much better on friday night lights i

[5:30] gotta tell you but then she wasn't pregnant on friday night lights and there are a lot of tv

[5:34] stars in this kate walsh from tv's gray's anatomy slash private practice okay was in it yeah and

[5:41] also um rock wait isn't will willa holland from tv's the oc was uh kate walsh's daughter wow you

[5:49] really know a lot more about tv than i do you should write you should do a tv podcast instead

[5:54] of this one yeah you seem to be better uh okay well i guess i would have to fire you too since

[6:00] You don't know anything about comedy?

[6:01] What?

[6:01] I mean, I could show up and get drunk.

[6:04] I don't know anything about movies.

[6:05] I don't know anything about comedy.

[6:07] Okay.

[6:08] Fair enough.

[6:10] Everybody gets quiet and looks at me awkwardly.

[6:13] Yeah, wait a minute.

[6:14] Like, what is he doing here?

[6:15] There's some dead weight we're carrying around.

[6:16] Well, the reason I'm here is because I...

[6:19] You are wearing an impressive muscle tee right now.

[6:21] Sure, an Italian tee.

[6:23] Yeah, it says face on the front.

[6:24] That's true.

[6:25] And chill on the back.

[6:26] You apparently starred in the A-Team remake, and we didn't know about it.

[6:30] uh didn't didn't a team remake is that a tv program a team adaptation okay film oh it's a

[6:38] feature film sure who's who's in it uh b.a brockis face hannibal uh and murdoch so the the characters

[6:45] from the original a team series were in they played themselves that's nice except for i was

[6:50] implying that you played face see okay so i was face we watched a movie called legion okay elliot

[6:56] why don't you explain this movie because we're talking in circles all right our main hero

[7:01] character paul bettany is a moebius strip is the archangel michael who i believe is an archangel

[7:08] he appears in la slashes his wings off and his halo comes off like in terminator it's based this

[7:14] movie is basically terminator but with angels instead of robots uh he appears then he gets a

[7:18] bunch of guns and it turns out he's going to a roadside diner where a collection of characters

[7:23] who have, let's just say, unhappy pasts have been assembled.

[7:27] A roadside diner in a non-town called Paradise Falls.

[7:31] Holy shit, I just got that.

[7:34] Yeah, Paradise Falls.

[7:35] It turns out there's...

[7:36] Because the angels fell, right?

[7:37] Yes, from Paradise.

[7:39] Okay.

[7:39] There's a pregnant waitress at the diner,

[7:42] and it turns out her baby will be some sort of vague,

[7:46] not very well-defined messiah when he's born.

[7:50] And God has decided he hates humanity

[7:52] and is going to send an army of – is going to send darkness and an army of angels to obliterate the species.

[7:59] Will her child have the JC initials because every messiah-type character has those?

[8:05] I don't know if you guys paid attention to the English class.

[8:07] You're John Connors.

[8:10] Yeah, they taught me a lot about John.

[8:12] You're Jim Casey's from Grapes of Wrath.

[8:14] Yeah, in English class we learned a lot about John Connor and the Terminator mythology.

[8:20] Now, your assignment tonight is to read issues one through four of the Now Comics series, The Terminator.

[8:25] We'll work our way up to the Dark Horse comics.

[8:28] Shouldn't we be reading, like, Shakespeare and stuff?

[8:31] Get out of my class.

[8:32] It's basically The Terminator with angels.

[8:35] So there's a bunch of angels that are supposed to come and kill these people.

[8:38] They do it by, instead of a T-1000 taking the forms of people it kills,

[8:43] the angels inhabit the bodies of people and turn them into monsters.

[8:49] And this is, I believe, part of where the name Legion comes from.

[8:53] It's not just a legion of, you know, like a brigade of angels.

[8:57] Sure.

[8:57] Legion in the New Testament.

[8:59] I am Legion.

[9:01] I am Legion is kind of a demon made up of a collection of demonic things, and he possesses a body.

[9:06] And I believe that's the one that Christ casts out of someone's body.

[9:09] And writers, or rather, listeners, write in and correct me if I'm wrong.

[9:15] Although they do not originally come as a legion.

[9:18] Originally, they come kung fu style, one at a time.

[9:21] Yeah, I keep speaking the same things as you.

[9:23] I'm sorry.

[9:23] They decide that there's an army of angels.

[9:26] There's a group of nobodies at a diner.

[9:29] The best way to kill them is to inhabit the bodies of the frail and weak, such as an old lady,

[9:35] and then appear one at a time and randomly lash out, be shot to death with guns, and then come again another time.

[9:42] Yeah, not even attack the person that they're meaning to attack first.

[9:47] That's the pregnant chick.

[9:48] Yeah, they don't go for the pregnant woman.

[9:49] Probably one of the easier to – she's probably one of the easier ones to take out.

[9:53] Instead, they want to creep out the diners, so they just attack everybody else one by one, and they barricade the diner, and it's armies of possessed people walking up and getting shot.

[10:05] The movie does a pretty good job of just like surprising you as to who's going to be a demon, right?

[10:13] Well, the first demon that we see – well, they're not really demons.

[10:16] They're angels.

[10:17] But the first –

[10:18] Well, let's call them demons.

[10:19] Let's call them demons because it's really stupid.

[10:21] Because if I keep saying angels in a bad way, I'll feel kind of bad about it.

[10:26] Well, the first demon –

[10:27] Because I'm super religious.

[10:29] The first demon we see in a big way, an old lady walking –

[10:34] Oh, in a big way.

[10:34] He's busting out all over America.

[10:36] Because there's one in the first scene that takes over the body of an LAPD cop briefly.

[10:40] But that doesn't really count.

[10:43] An old lady drives up...

[10:44] Why doesn't it count?

[10:45] Because it's LAPD or...

[10:47] Because it doesn't really do anything interesting.

[10:48] Is that your critique of their police force or...?

[10:50] A little bit.

[10:51] The first...

[10:53] Okay, the second demon we see,

[10:55] but the first one that really is exciting and all...

[10:57] Sure.

[10:58] And I use that term as loosely as possible,

[11:00] is an old lady.

[11:02] And the way I would do this scene,

[11:04] old lady walks into the diner, unsuspecting,

[11:07] starts saying kind of off things...

[11:10] I mean, you're suspecting

[11:11] because you saw her in the trailer acting like a demon.

[11:13] Well, this is assuming you didn't see the trailer even though it was in every commercial.

[11:16] OK.

[11:16] And then suddenly she turns into a monster and attacks somebody.

[11:20] Tries to attack the waitress.

[11:22] The waitress jumps back.

[11:24] Somebody else gets in the way and gets killed.

[11:25] And then the old lady gets killed.

[11:27] That's how I do it.

[11:28] Instead, here's how it happens.

[11:29] The most ominous possible shots of the old lady from above, from behind, from below with scary music playing as she walks into the diner.

[11:39] She asks for a raw steak, and as she sits there looking at it, flies come out of somewhere and start landing on the steak.

[11:46] She talks to the waitress and says, your baby is going to burn in hell.

[11:50] The waitress is like, fuck you, lady.

[11:51] Yeah, she does a real Betty White on her, right?

[11:53] Yeah, exactly.

[11:54] The waitress walks away.

[11:56] And you were cracking up because you love it when old people start talking sass and shit.

[12:01] Oh, there's nothing funnier to me than an old lady cursing or rapping.

[12:05] The only thing I guess funny would be if, like, a big scary biker walks up, and then he starts talking about, like, art or, like, something delicate that you don't expect a biker to talk about.

[12:13] Yeah, well, how does he know about that stuff?

[12:15] I mean, that's basically the best humor there is.

[12:18] There's nothing funnier than that.

[12:19] The pinnacle.

[12:20] And then the old lady yells at the husband of the woman from Grey's Anatomy, and he goes, hey, like, that's my wife you're talking to, and she becomes a monster and attacks that guy.

[12:31] Yeah, rips out his throat, basically.

[12:34] At any point, she could have just attacked the waitress and done her job right away.

[12:39] The angel who wants to protect them hasn't even shown up yet.

[12:43] Yeah, could have been easy.

[12:45] But that's around when the angel, Paul Bettany, shows up.

[12:50] He's got a car full of guns, and he takes a lead of this ragtag team.

[12:56] And he does this by coming out.

[12:58] They're all, you know, what's the word?

[13:04] justifiably upset about what just happened a monster attacked them you know and so they're

[13:09] you know waving guns at paul buttney's face they don't know who this guy is he's in a cop car but

[13:14] he doesn't look like a cop and uh paul bettany talks in completely cryptic uh you know phrases

[13:20] grabs the gun away from dennis quaid points it at his head tyrese oh we forgot that tyrese gibson

[13:26] is also in the movie from transformers yeah he's he's holding a gun to paul bettany and then fast

[13:32] and furious a swarm of locusts is bearing down baby boy also yeah yeah and then and and bettany

[13:39] like gives the gun back to dennis quaid after he had just had it at his forehead and turns away to

[13:45] get a bunch of guns out of the trunk to toss to everyone why doesn't tyrese gibson just like shoot

[13:50] him because they're being cool they're being cool i guess like there's nothing nothing that paul

[13:55] bettany has done or said has indicated that he is anything but a threat at this point paul bettany

[14:00] He doesn't explain what's going on until probably an hour into – I don't know, 10 minutes into the movie.

[14:06] And up to that point, everyone has been following his lead as wave after wave of the most incompetent angels in the world try to get into this – or demons try to get into this place.

[14:16] I can give the angel demons a little bit of credit initially because maybe they were like, look, we got as much time as we want to kill this baby.

[14:24] Let's take our time and try and spook everybody out, get them really scared first.

[14:29] They didn't expect Paul Bettany to show up with a shitload of machine guns, which, of course, he does.

[14:35] He's like Angel Kryptonite.

[14:36] Yeah, apparently bullets kill – well, it's like the demons – the angel demons are taking over the bodies of people.

[14:42] Yeah, and when they do it, their heads, like, go all crazy, like in The Matrix.

[14:46] Yeah, they shake around a lot.

[14:47] When Agent Smith takes over a dude.

[14:50] Guys, flashback to the 1970s.

[14:54] A year and a half ago, whenever Legion actually came out, or before Legion came out,

[14:59] I showed you the trailer.

[15:00] A different world.

[15:01] What a different world it was, but I showed you the trailer online.

[15:05] Pre the Deep Horizon water.

[15:07] We all had mustaches.

[15:09] We wore completely different clothes.

[15:12] I was married.

[15:12] Sure.

[15:13] Dan was single.

[15:14] I was like 14, I think.

[15:17] And somehow the mayor of Cleveland.

[15:19] Yeah, and I had a baseball cap on backwards with a tuft of hair sticking out the front.

[15:23] Slingshot out your back pocket

[15:25] And I was urinating on a Ford logo

[15:28] To show your disapproval of Ford

[15:31] I don't think it's a very good brand

[15:33] The idea that you're always constantly pushing around

[15:36] The giant Ford logo so you can piss on it

[15:38] I want to know how you got that situation

[15:40] It's such a good arc to your urine too

[15:42] Yeah

[15:42] Without showing anybody your penis

[15:45] I drink a lot of mercury

[15:46] It adds weight to my urine

[15:49] Makes it easier to plot the trajectory

[15:52] No, but the point was, like, you guys had not heard about this movie at that time.

[15:57] And I showed you the trailer online.

[15:59] Were you trying to show off?

[16:00] No, I'm just saying, like, your immediate reaction was...

[16:02] I'm a bigger Legion fan than you, because I knew about it before you did.

[16:05] Fuck you.

[16:06] Hipster Legion fan.

[16:09] Oh, my God.

[16:09] Your immediate reaction was exactly what I hoped, which was, you just looked at it and

[16:13] you're like, this is stupid.

[16:15] I think we gave each other a lot of high fives, and we're, like, pumping our fists.

[16:20] Throughout the trailer.

[16:20] Yeah, yeah.

[16:21] But this led to one of the longest-running Flophouse inside jokes that has never happened on the podcast itself.

[16:29] Oh, that's right.

[16:29] Along with Seven Pounds.

[16:32] Our Batman villain?

[16:33] The Batman villain, who has completely existed off-microphone.

[16:37] Thank God.

[16:39] I don't know.

[16:40] It's when we saw the movie Seven Pounds, we were so bored that we invented this character who commits Seven Pounds-related crimes.

[16:49] Batman, I've just stolen seven pounds.

[16:52] Those are the pound sterling, you know, in London.

[16:56] That's not a very big crime.

[16:59] The seven pound diamond is on display at the Gotham Museum.

[17:02] Do you think seven pounds might try to steal it?

[17:05] And on and on and so forth.

[17:08] It goes like that.

[17:09] It was pretty hilarious, if I recall.

[17:10] I mean, funnier than what we just did, I think.

[17:13] Maybe seven pounds funnier?

[17:16] Are you saying what we just did was not as funny as an old lady swearing and rapping?

[17:19] I'd put it in between swearing and rapping and, I don't know, some kind of anthropomorphic animal doing a breakdance.

[17:26] Oh, or singing a pop song.

[17:27] Like a kangaroo jack, say.

[17:28] Yeah.

[17:29] Like an anthropomorphic animal singing a song that the parents of the kids who see the movie would remember from when they were young.

[17:35] Sure.

[17:36] But the point is, this only-

[17:38] That reminds me, we've got to watch Marmaduke when it's on DVD.

[17:40] Anyway, you're saying?

[17:41] Second only to Seven Pounds was the-

[17:44] Is Jason Lee in there?

[17:46] don't think so was your reaction to the fact that uh all the angels could get easily mowed down by

[17:53] machine guns in the legion uh trailer and indeed the legion film they are the weakest most

[17:58] unintimidating angels and it mainly one of us would interview the other about how to kill angels

[18:05] if these angels are so weak i mean they got to be really smart or something right no they're

[18:09] actually dumber than normal people okay are they really tall are they like superhumanly tall

[18:14] Average height is about 5'3".

[18:16] Do they have claws on their hands instead of regular fingers?

[18:18] No, they're actually missing some fingers.

[18:19] Okay, can they, like, breathe fire or shoot lasers out of their eyes?

[18:23] They have asthma and poor eyesight.

[18:25] And so on and so forth.

[18:26] Like, yeah, but you could probably stop them.

[18:28] You need, like, a magic bullet or something, right?

[18:30] No, no, no, regular bullets, that does the job.

[18:32] Regular bullets actually cause more damage to them than if they were actual humans.

[18:36] But they're super strong, right?

[18:39] No, the gravity of Earth is much higher than in Heaven,

[18:42] so they're weaker than, I don't know, a 14-year-old child.

[18:45] Oh, okay, I get it.

[18:46] But, like, they can jump really high.

[18:48] No, once again, they gave up their wings,

[18:52] and they've never had to use their legs,

[18:53] so they're not very good at jumping.

[18:55] I mean, and this was the joke, having not seen the film,

[18:58] but having seen the film, it's pretty accurate.

[19:00] So accurate.

[19:01] It's like an army of angels is going to attack us,

[19:04] but they're basically zombies,

[19:06] so we'll just mow them down as they bump into things.

[19:09] Yeah, wave after wave of angels from heaven being killed by guns.

[19:13] It's not just that they're zombies, because zombies would continue to go toward the heroes,

[19:18] but most of them stand at the edge of vision to be shot at and make pretty good targets for the various characters.

[19:23] And the zombie would have to at least hit their brain, whereas with these guys, it could be a glancing blow.

[19:28] Maybe they just heard a gun go off and they died.

[19:32] Oh, and by the way, these angels somehow cannot breach the perimeter of a diner, of a desert diner.

[19:37] They can't come in through the –

[19:39] The back door?

[19:40] The doors that – no, they put a table in front of that door.

[19:43] That's a sturdy table.

[19:46] Oh, yeah.

[19:47] It's a diner-level table.

[19:48] That's old-time craftsmanship.

[19:49] And windows that aren't boarded up or covered.

[19:51] Yeah.

[19:51] I mean they're made out of glass with the blinds drawn.

[19:54] Oh, by the way, it's also – there's a plague of darkness on the earth while this is happening.

[19:57] So it's nighttime.

[19:58] So if you were concerned about maybe the special effects being really obvious, not the case.

[20:04] It's way too dark to tell what's going on.

[20:06] You can't see anything.

[20:07] This is maybe the worst shot movie we've ever seen in this series.

[20:10] Well, the director plays with focus a lot.

[20:12] So most of the time, whatever is in the forefront of the shot is hyper-focus.

[20:17] Everything else is really blurry.

[20:19] So you see, like, fingers, and that's about it.

[20:21] It's like John Frankenheimer, how he used to like to have a close-up in the front, like, right up to you.

[20:26] And in the background, there'd be, like, action going on behind.

[20:29] Except here, what's in the front is really blurry, and what's in the back is too dark to see.

[20:34] So you just kind of can hear that something is happening.

[20:37] And as far as hearing, you can't really tell because there's a lot of rock music going on.

[20:42] So ultimately, should I say what happens in the movie?

[20:45] Yeah, please.

[20:45] Ultimately, this baby is born, and then it turns out that once the baby is born, the problem is not solved.

[20:51] This baby, though, by the way, takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

[20:56] There's a point where it's like thrown from a person's hands and someone dives to catch the baby.

[21:01] Perfect spiral.

[21:02] Perfect spiral.

[21:03] Easy to catch.

[21:03] Yeah, then it goes through a car crash.

[21:05] It has no, like, baby carrier suit.

[21:08] Yes.

[21:08] And then the Archangel Gabriel comes down.

[21:11] By the way, that car crash would have killed all the angels if they'd been in that car.

[21:14] I think just smelling gasoline from the car crash, they'd be like, oh, I can't breathe.

[21:22] Just hearing that there was a car crash somewhere, they would die of anxiety.

[21:28] But the Archangel Gabriel comes down, and he and Michael have a, Paul Bettany,

[21:35] have a kind of brotherly relationship.

[21:37] They're kind of gay for each other.

[21:39] The guy who played Gabriel, if I recall, Dan,

[21:42] I don't know the guy's name.

[21:43] Do you know his name?

[21:45] On Lost?

[21:46] He played Kimi on Lost.

[21:47] But you don't know the actor's name?

[21:48] Oh, Kima from The Wire?

[21:49] Yeah, I think it was Kima Griggs.

[21:51] And he also played the blob in X-Men Origins,

[21:55] colon Wolverine.

[21:57] X-Men Origins?

[21:58] Do you want to watch X-Men or wear a pair of jeans?

[22:01] I'll take the jeans.

[22:03] I don't know if I'd go with that.

[22:05] It's X-Men or jeans.

[22:07] It's X-Men or jeans, Wolverine.

[22:11] Someone's asking him that question.

[22:13] It was Colin, actually.

[22:13] If it was Colin, it would be a kind of strange movie.

[22:15] X-Men or jeans, Wolverine?

[22:17] Now, if Wolverine is given the choice of joining the X-Men and wearing jeans,

[22:25] I think he should join the X-Men.

[22:27] He's always wearing jeans.

[22:29] Always wearing jeans.

[22:31] What, is he going to wear khakis?

[22:31] Can you imagine Wolverine's not going to look too intimidating in a pair of dockers?

[22:35] He wears cargo pants.

[22:36] Yeah, like really puffy cargo pants like he's going to a rave.

[22:39] Come on.

[22:40] I don't see that.

[22:41] Or like maybe they'll let him wear cut-off jean shorts.

[22:43] Or like biker shorts.

[22:44] He's got that samurai side to him.

[22:45] He can wear those kind of like those kung fu, like those puffy pants that they got.

[22:49] Yeah, I don't see it.

[22:50] Well, like the ones that the guys wear when they go to raves?

[22:52] No.

[22:53] Or way into like industrial music?

[22:54] No, like a loose-fitting sort of linen sort of thing.

[22:56] It's kind of parachute pants that like Fred Rerun Barry used to wear.

[22:59] Sure.

[23:00] Or Hammer.

[23:00] I was hoping it would be more like running shorts or something because it allows a lot

[23:04] more movement which you know he's a pretty active he's wearing those 1970s basketball shorts that

[23:09] are really short sure and with his body hair i think that's a bad choice yes anywho uh but uh

[23:16] he played they have a an angry brother relationship and they fight a lot and gabriel i guess decides

[23:22] that it's time to stop dicking around and actually go kill this baby and he is a powerhouse fighter

[23:28] impervious to bullets he has a some kind of mechano mace that has lots of different metal

[23:35] like knives on it it's a mace with knives and it spins at one point so wait he's impervious to

[23:41] bullets how does everybody try to defeat him by shooting him and that's how it's a weird call

[23:46] paul bettany playing an angel that's been a very good strategy shooting the angels but this guy

[23:52] apparently sucked the power from all the other angels and stole it for himself and uh he fights

[23:57] paul bettany for a while the people with the baby get away and then he attacks their car

[24:02] and then he kills paul bettany if i he kills paul bettany with the spike then then does it uh die

[24:09] hard uh for style by uh spiking himself and going through himself into the other guy come on die

[24:17] hard for everyone i never saw die hard for that's uh live free or die hard i'm holding out for die

[24:22] hard 24-7 sure that sounds like a movie um that was they announced it somewhere is there a crossover

[24:30] between uh die hard and the trancers franchise with yes it is tim thompson i would love to see

[24:37] john mclean and jack death if there's some way to get doll man in there

[24:41] and they could fight the demonic playing two roles yeah that'd be great amazing

[24:46] he would win an oscar for that for the dual role

[24:50] of uh where oh yeah so the difficult part with trying to decide which clip to use for the oscar

[24:59] is one of the jack death clips or one of the doll man oh you gotta use one of the clips where they're

[25:04] talking to each other because that's the real test of an actor sure um so gabriel's the uh

[25:11] waitress who gave birth to the baby and her boyfriend well the guy who wants to be a guy

[25:16] wants her boyfriend and lucas lucas black from uh fast and the furious tokyo grift yes there's a lot

[25:22] of fast and furious actors in here because tyrese was in number two okay that's too fast too furious

[25:28] if i recall sure it is uh for you i can't i can't handle that much furiousness uh they while paul

[25:37] is being killed by the angel those people drive off uh the archangel gabriel goes after them

[25:43] They manage to divert him by hitting him in the face with a flare from a flare gun, which doesn't even explode.

[25:50] It just hits him in the nose.

[25:51] He makes their car flip over.

[25:54] Baby is fine.

[25:55] He's immune to car flip overs.

[25:58] And then attacks them on a mountain, and Paul Bettany flies back down from heaven.

[26:03] Okay.

[26:04] Presumably.

[26:05] He's been regenerated.

[26:07] The sky opens and light comes out, and Paul Bettany, alive with wings on his back again, comes out.

[26:12] And apparently God has given him his job back because while Gabriel was following orders, Paul Bettany was doing what was right is basically what it boils down to.

[26:22] And everything's okay except that they have to raise this kid now to be the leader who I guess will redeem mankind.

[26:30] Sure.

[26:31] And so they have the Terminator ending.

[26:34] Literally steal the ending from the Terminator where they are driving through the desert.

[26:37] Except they didn't have like a Mexican guy take anybody's picture.

[26:40] No, that's true.

[26:41] And the baby is already born.

[26:42] She's just pregnant with John Connor at the end of the film.

[26:44] They're driving through the desert.

[26:45] There's a bunch of guns in the back seat.

[26:47] There's the voiceover about, you know, like...

[26:52] Why did something like this happen?

[26:53] And it's the exact same...

[26:56] Yeah.

[26:56] It's the exact same voiceover from the very beginning of the movie.

[26:59] Yes.

[26:59] Because I don't know about you, but I normally forget what happens

[27:03] like five minutes before what I'm currently watching.

[27:06] But the voiceover...

[27:08] I could have used more flashbacks, frankly.

[27:10] Really? In Legion?

[27:12] do things earlier in the movie yeah like uh you were talking about a grandma i totally forgot that

[27:17] the the voiceover that's at the beginning and end of the movie it's very much like days of heaven

[27:22] in the way it uses voiceover to introduce the movie cyclical and and its lyricalness yes and

[27:27] its lyrical visual quality uh the it's like a moebius strip constantly uh the the french artist

[27:35] sure yeah uh like a like a azarac comic strip the uh the voiceover she says that when her she

[27:41] before her mother ran off this waitress uh was told a story by her mother of a prophecy

[27:46] that god would bring darkness on the world again and something about it and kill all people or

[27:52] something about a baby and when she asked her mother why her mother would say i don't know i

[27:58] guess god was just so it was just tired of the bullshit and uh what i love is that where did

[28:03] the mom pick up this prophecy it's incredibly accurate where did she get it from there's a lot

[28:08] of you know it's an old folk tale it's an old american folk legend prophecies in movies i hate

[28:14] them yeah okay you were saying something about that why why don't you like there is nothing i

[28:18] like let no the the thing i hate most in movies is any time where they have a council of elders

[28:23] the thing i hate the second most is anything where they say but the prophecy tells of one such as

[28:30] this or like according to the prophecy you are the one like i don't know why in a fantasy movie

[28:35] things can't just happen they have to be following a prophecy of some kind you know sure why you've

[28:41] already got paul bettany coming down to tell them here's what's gonna happen i know it because i'm

[28:46] an angel why does he have to say there's a prophecy that says this is gonna happen he's there with god

[28:52] all the time like he can just know he doesn't have to follow a prophet you know yeah it's just

[28:58] There's – I'm up in heaven, but I found this scroll someplace.

[29:01] Yeah, this magic scroll.

[29:02] It's also the –

[29:03] It gives me ten experience points and information about the future.

[29:07] It's just a cheap plot device because things don't have to happen logically because you can just – like, why is this happening to us?

[29:14] The prophecy tells that there will be a time of great reckoning.

[29:19] Like, it's – you just say a prophecy foretold it, and it doesn't have to make sense.

[29:23] It immediately lowers the stakes of anything.

[29:26] I mean, for instance, if it's like a prophecy about a chosen one, suddenly it's not an interesting

[29:31] movie about a guy who has to make a choice to be a hero.

[29:34] It's about a guy who is destined to be a hero.

[29:36] And there's nothing more boring than a guy who's just like, well, I guess it's me.

[29:41] That's interesting.

[29:42] See, the thing I like least in movies is when a character does something, like maybe throw

[29:48] a basketball or shoot an apple off of someone's head, and then it cuts to that character again.

[29:54] Those are the two things that characters do, by the way.

[29:56] And they pump their fist going, yes!

[29:58] That's my least favorite thing in the movie.

[30:01] Really, that's your least favorite thing in the movies?

[30:03] At that, I throw my popcorn up in the air and storm out.

[30:06] See, it's interesting.

[30:07] My favorite thing in movies is when...

[30:08] So I stormed out of Batman and Robin like five times.

[30:12] And you kept coming back.

[30:13] You stormed out of...

[30:15] That's the thing.

[30:15] I stormed out and my...

[30:17] You stormed out of Basketball and Archery, the movie.

[30:19] I stormed out and my...

[30:21] It was called Pumped Over Basketball and Archery Skills, the movie.

[30:25] So I was leaving the movie theater, and my mom came chasing after me.

[30:28] And my mom's like, Stuart, Stuart, you paid money to see this movie.

[30:32] Batman is going to fight Mr. Freeze or something.

[30:35] You should totally check it out.

[30:36] And I was like, okay, mom.

[30:37] It's going to be nice to see you.

[30:37] Yeah, and I went back.

[30:38] Everyone's going to have to chill.

[30:39] Yeah, and I went back and saw it, and I kept leaving.

[30:42] You said, when I bought that ticket, I signed a contract with this film

[30:46] that they would not do one thing.

[30:47] They broke that contract.

[30:49] They did.

[30:49] I was going to say, when I—

[30:51] I tried to take him to kid's court, actually.

[30:54] Kids Court is not a real court.

[30:56] Yeah, it's on Nickelodeon.

[30:57] It's not a real court.

[30:59] I thought I could get some money out of them.

[31:02] I thought it was more like, you broke my toy, that kind of case, you know.

[31:05] No, it was a case where you let down my hopes and expectations of Robin.

[31:09] Elliot, you know, the toy, he's got to go after the big Hollywood studios.

[31:13] That's where the money is.

[31:14] Oh, I see.

[31:15] That's where Kids Court is going to award the big families.

[31:17] I wish that show had been much more real and it was like it was a murder case,

[31:21] but he was under 18, so they had to send it to Kids Court.

[31:24] and Nickelodeon sentenced him

[31:26] to like clean up his room, you know?

[31:28] You know, Judge Linda Ellerby

[31:32] sentenced him to, you know.

[31:33] Sentenced Macaulay Culkin's character

[31:35] from The Good Son.

[31:36] To community service,

[31:38] helping his mom set the table.

[31:40] Sure.

[31:41] I was going to say,

[31:42] I didn't want to be so negative,

[31:43] so I was going to say

[31:43] one of my favorite things in movies

[31:45] is when the villain,

[31:47] the villain always has a sidekick in a movie

[31:49] and at the end of the movie

[31:50] the hero beats the villain

[31:51] in like a snowboard race or something

[31:53] and the friend of the villain goes up to comfort him

[31:55] and the villain pushes his friend away.

[31:57] I love that and it happens in so many movies from the 80s.

[32:01] When I was growing up, it was like,

[32:02] don't even try to console him.

[32:04] He's too mad.

[32:05] He's just going to push you away.

[32:06] That is great.

[32:07] What's really great about it is

[32:09] it's never like a normal just shove away.

[32:12] It's like they're pushing him to the ground.

[32:14] Yes, and then folding their arms in defiance.

[32:18] They refuse human warmth.

[32:20] The thing I like the most in a movie

[32:22] is when you have a hero who is clearly conflicted,

[32:26] covered in tattoos, okay?

[32:28] He has access to a lot of machine guns

[32:31] and a trench coat of some kind.

[32:32] A trench coat of some kind.

[32:34] Yeah, of some kind.

[32:35] Possibly sleeveless.

[32:36] Possibly.

[32:37] It's not required.

[32:38] And all the villains are going to be like magic

[32:41] or supernatural or something,

[32:42] but they're going to first appear like something very innocuous,

[32:46] something very innocent.

[32:46] In the case of Legion,

[32:48] they managed to accomplish this by having a foul-mouthed granny.

[32:51] and then later on

[32:52] a dude in an ice cream truck

[32:54] who would ever think

[32:55] who would have thought

[32:57] that an ice cream salesman

[32:58] could be a demon

[32:59] what I like also is

[33:00] the ice cream salesman

[33:01] he starts yelling at them

[33:02] and his mouth elongates

[33:03] and his arms and legs elongate

[33:05] and then he starts

[33:06] loping towards them

[33:07] and they just shoot him instantly

[33:08] yeah it makes him

[33:08] a bigger target

[33:09] it makes him a bigger target

[33:10] also like

[33:10] it's way harder for him

[33:11] to run towards them

[33:12] when his arms and legs

[33:13] are like that

[33:14] ungainly

[33:14] played by nerd favorite

[33:16] beloved physical actor

[33:17] Doug Jones

[33:18] who was Abe Sapien

[33:20] in the Hellboy films

[33:22] and did a lot of other...

[33:22] That makes him a nerd favorite.

[33:23] No, he's just...

[33:24] I thought a nerd favorite

[33:25] would have been a girl

[33:26] in a chainmail bikini.

[33:27] Yeah, I don't even think

[33:28] the Hellboy movies

[33:29] are nerd favorites.

[33:29] Like Rona Mitra

[33:30] from Doomsday.

[33:31] He's known for...

[33:32] I can't think of the other things,

[33:34] but he's known for

[33:35] playing these very...

[33:36] The Nickelodeon cartoon Doug.

[33:37] No, he was...

[33:39] Oh, he was in Doug?

[33:40] Yeah, he played Doug.

[33:41] Was he the blue guy

[33:42] or the yellow guy?

[33:43] No, he's the pink guy.

[33:44] He played the faun

[33:45] in Pan's Labyrinth

[33:47] and the guy

[33:48] with the eyeballs

[33:48] in his hands.

[33:49] He's known for

[33:50] being a very physical performer who can do

[33:52] good costume work and he

[33:54] is given almost nothing

[33:56] to do here and shot.

[33:58] Almost instantly. But there's so many

[34:00] characters where they overplay

[34:02] the you wouldn't expect to see one

[34:04] of these as a monster because there's like

[34:06] the old lady ice cream salesman, little

[34:08] girl in a dress with a balloon, little

[34:10] boy with a bowl haircut,

[34:11] guy with a birthday party hat

[34:14] on.

[34:14] I'm surprised they didn't have any priests

[34:18] or, like, a soccer mom or, like, a...

[34:22] Or a soccer ball.

[34:23] Or, like, that would have been crazy.

[34:25] You'd never think a soccer ball was a demon.

[34:27] No, I wouldn't even attack you.

[34:29] It would take you completely off guard.

[34:31] Someone would have to kick it at you.

[34:33] Like a mom or someone in a wheelchair

[34:35] who gets up and runs after them.

[34:37] That would have been a good one.

[34:37] A clown, you know.

[34:39] I like the Japanese tourist idea.

[34:41] Japanese tourist.

[34:41] Or, like, an Eskimo.

[34:43] Frenchman with a baguette.

[34:46] An astronaut.

[34:48] Irish cop.

[34:49] What's all this then?

[34:50] I guess it would be nothing to see here.

[34:54] What's all this then as an English cop?

[34:55] My favorite part.

[34:56] Oh, for long now.

[34:57] Yeah.

[34:58] I also really liked the movie when the demons set up like an ambush for our favorite characters.

[35:05] Our favorite characters?

[35:06] Which ones are those?

[35:07] You know, Charles S. Dutton, TV's Rock.

[35:10] And the ambush involves tying up a character that they captured earlier on an upside-down cross.

[35:17] They crucify him upside down.

[35:18] I don't know if you noticed the significance there, Dan, because they turn the cross, which is an image of Christ.

[35:24] You're going to explain it to me after the podcast.

[35:25] Okay, I'll explain it later.

[35:27] They turn him upside down, and then he's all covered in boils.

[35:31] These huge pulsating boils that, as I described at the time, were of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job level of special effects.

[35:37] They looked like they had been Photoshopped on.

[35:39] And so his wife is like, oh my god, he's alive.

[35:42] We should save him.

[35:43] She runs out there.

[35:44] Of course, as soon as she gets out there, the guy explodes in, like, acidic pus and melts Charles S. Dutton down to the spine.

[35:51] Literally burns his back away so that you can see the spine and the back of his ribs through it.

[35:55] Which was pretty gross.

[35:57] And, of course, Dennis Quaid is like, I can't believe I fell asleep when I was on guard duty.

[36:01] If I'd been awake, they might not have been able to set up this awesome trap.

[36:04] I mean, as dumb as that was, though, I can't help but wish there was more of that in the movie because, as I said—

[36:10] More craziness?

[36:11] Yeah, as I said while we were watching it, why are you going to make a movie about angels attacking humanity and then just have a bunch of shooting happen?

[36:19] A bunch of shooting and a bunch of, like, crappy zombies.

[36:22] It's like, why are you going to make a vampire movie and then make From Dusk Till Dawn where all the vampires are basically zombies?

[36:28] Or the Underworld movies where it's vampires versus werewolves and they shoot each other.

[36:34] Sure.

[36:34] Why is a werewolf going to shoot a gun?

[36:36] Exactly.

[36:37] They're supernatural creatures.

[36:38] Have something crazy and cool happen.

[36:41] Or, like, do a movie like Monster Squad and not have a scene at the end where all four monsters do a rap.

[36:45] Wait, that happened?

[36:48] No, it didn't happen.

[36:49] Oh, that would have been awesome.

[36:50] That would be—that was disappointing.

[36:51] Like, the movie is over.

[36:52] I mean, there was a rap at the end of Monster Squad.

[36:55] The monsters didn't do it.

[36:56] Yeah, well, thanks.

[36:57] I want to see the monsters do it.

[36:58] No, but it definitely feels like—

[37:01] Can the mummy rap in that movie?

[37:02] I mean—

[37:03] The mummy is rapped.

[37:04] Oh!

[37:04] Zing!

[37:06] Man, that's—you know, that's why I do this podcast.

[37:09] You wanted to do a rap and he was all tied up at the moment.

[37:11] Sure.

[37:11] But yeah, it is very disappointing that you have – you are literally – what we are led to believe are this legion of angels literally represents the wrath of God, the most powerful thing in the universe.

[37:27] This is your power on an unimaginable scale.

[37:30] There's nothing they can't do, and yet the way they choose to fight is by walking around and getting shot at with guns.

[37:36] like it's it's ridiculously unambitious and this brings up the one thing that i really wanted to

[37:42] talk about which is like the theological vision of this movie which is um you know it's it's firmly

[37:47] in like this judeo-christian uh infallible god tradition except for this god is apparently

[37:53] fallible because he's decided to kill all of humanity and it's up to his one good angel to

[37:58] change his mind by having faith in in humans and as you pointed out god already promised once

[38:04] according to the Torah that he wouldn't

[38:06] do this again. Like the flood story

[38:08] is like, at the end of that, it's like, okay, well that

[38:10] was it. We cleaned house.

[38:12] I promise I won't do this again.

[38:14] Every time you look at a rainbow,

[38:16] you'll remember that.

[38:17] Just as long as you don't use the rainbow

[38:20] as a symbol for gay marriage.

[38:22] Oh no, they did it! And then at the

[38:24] end of the movie, you know, to compound

[38:26] that, you know, they're going off

[38:28] with a bunch of guns to

[38:30] you know, safeguard

[38:32] against the idea that God might change his mind again.

[38:37] Well, this is the kind of cool 21st century theology

[38:40] that is like, okay, it's Christianity,

[38:43] but with a lot of the Matrix thrown in.

[38:45] So there's a lot of guns and coolness and vague talk

[38:48] and things like that.

[38:49] Yeah.

[38:50] Trenchcoats and tattoos.

[38:53] Trenchcoats and tattoos.

[38:54] But yeah, the movie is on very thin theological ice.

[38:58] But it's also one of those things where it's like,

[39:01] god wants to destroy humanity so he's sending angels but your son will be the new messiah

[39:06] are we talking about the trinity here like is this messiah related to god is jesus part of

[39:12] the godhead like what is that you know is because this kind of happened once makers of the movie

[39:17] i don't know if you realize but according to the largest religion in the world this happened

[39:22] something like this happened before where a messiah was born except for in this version

[39:25] And apparently God wants to kill his own Messiah for reasons unexplained.

[39:31] And I do not remember any point where they explained why this kid was important, how his birth would change anything.

[39:39] Well, he's immune to car crashes, Elliot.

[39:40] That's true.

[39:41] And also one of those things where it's like God doesn't want this baby born.

[39:44] Now, he could use one trillionth of 1% of 1% of his omnipotent power and cause a miscarriage.

[39:54] Yeah.

[39:55] Or just, you know, she wakes up and she isn't pregnant and was never pregnant.

[39:59] But instead, he decides to have an abortion.

[40:02] She's ambivalent about this kid anyway.

[40:04] She already wants to have an abortion when the movie starts.

[40:06] So all he has to do is let things take their natural course.

[40:08] I think she wants to have an adoption, Elliot.

[40:09] Oh, an adoption.

[40:10] I mean, though she is smoking while she's pregnant, which is basically the same thing.

[40:14] That's a no-no.

[40:15] But I started to believe by the end of it that God really wanted to cull the ranks of his stupider angels.

[40:22] So he gave them this bullshit mission to go stop these kids

[40:26] and told Paul Bettany, like, listen, can you just kill them?

[40:29] I mean, we're probably going to get all the answers in Legion 2.

[40:32] Yeah.

[40:32] I mean, that's the thing, right, guys?

[40:34] Like with these big action franchises.

[40:36] Legion 2, Gabriel's Revenge.

[40:37] The first one's to try and get us all pumped,

[40:39] and then the second one's going to try and raise some more answers,

[40:42] raise some more questions, I mean, and answer a few of those,

[40:46] but mainly set them all up for Legion 3.

[40:48] He's going to answer some questions and ask a whole lot more.

[40:51] Hell yeah.

[40:52] Well, we've got some stuff to get through, so let's skip to our final judgments on this movie.

[40:57] Final judgments.

[40:58] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie that you actually sort of liked in some way?

[41:04] Stuart?

[41:04] I'm going to say I'm going to go with a bad bad movie, mainly because I was hoping it was going to, like, for a big action movie, the end sequence was so dark and, like, ill-conceived.

[41:21] Yeah, it just wasn't any fun, and it was super slow for a movie

[41:25] that should have had more explosions and scares.

[41:28] Yeah, I'm going to say bad, bad too, because as stupid as it was

[41:33] and how dumb the theology was and how dumb the conception of it was,

[41:38] there was just a bunch of nothing in the middle

[41:41] where we learned about all the characters' backstories,

[41:43] but none of the characters' backstories meant anything.

[41:46] I was going to say good, bad movie because for as stupid and poorly made as it is, it was like silly.

[41:53] But then you reminded me of all those scenes of characters talking about their backstories that are really dull.

[41:57] So I'm going to say bad, bad movie.

[41:58] Those were boring.

[41:59] Swayed you.

[42:00] And what I love is also like in our normal lives, I'm sure all three of us would love to watch a well-made movie about characters we care about who have real problems and they have to overcome them.

[42:11] But when you're watching a movie like this, it really gets in the way.

[42:15] Alright, so now I'm going to read a little

[42:16] Lister Mail. We've got some good letters this time.

[42:18] Letters. We've got letters.

[42:20] Letters.

[42:23] Just do it one more time.

[42:26] Letters.

[42:28] God damn it. This one's from

[42:30] Alex Lastenheld.

[42:31] He has

[42:33] three questions.

[42:35] One, is it possible to

[42:38] modify Dan's hook so he actually has

[42:40] to speak the words mournful sigh in a

[42:42] mournful way? I feel like we'd get

[42:44] more bang for a buck that way oh maybe how do you feel about that i'd have to think about it

[42:49] do you want to try it out real quick mournful sigh i don't know i think maybe every now and

[42:55] then just pepper it in all right i might i might just toss it in a little bit that's that's not a

[42:59] bad idea um i'm gonna i'm gonna switch the order of two and three because i like i like two better

[43:05] well we never would have known so it's a little behind the scenes yeah no one cares this is the

[43:11] part that my brain said and my mouth said it too but it didn't need to uh number two would you

[43:17] agree that 2010 will be the floppiest summer blockbuster year ever well we kicked off the

[43:22] summer with marmaduke we already had the squeak wool smurfs i thought that was 2009

[43:27] squeak wool came out in uh december was that long ago yeah i guess it i really uh the a team came

[43:34] out that's a big that looks like crap and it hasn't done critically very well it hasn't done

[43:39] Financially very well

[43:41] It was beat by Karate Kid

[43:43] Which also looks terrible

[43:45] And strange because I don't think there's any karate in it

[43:49] Well there must be at some point

[43:50] No but I mean he's in China

[43:52] I don't think they

[43:53] There's been several reviews pointing out that it's a Kung Fu

[43:56] Technically they don't have karate in China

[43:58] Well that's the thing and it's Jackie Chan

[44:00] I mean he's known for not

[44:01] He's known for not doing karate

[44:03] He's known for his hatred of karate

[44:05] They probably should have called it the Kung Fu Kid

[44:07] which frankly is a better title yeah um yeah but what else is coming out this summer and then they

[44:13] wouldn't have to pay the makers of karate kid yeah well the film that i'm looking forward to

[44:18] the most is of course piranha 3d piranha 3d that's right which i will legitimately enjoy

[44:24] prince of persia already came out that was a flop it was a huge flop uh i'm having trouble

[44:29] remembering what oh uh jonah hex is coming out that looks terrible that looks awful uh sex in

[44:35] the city 2 that came out this may be the floppiest summer ever yeah there's been some pretty terrible

[44:40] looking movies it's yeah and last year was bad and this year's worse i'm very excited about i'm

[44:44] i'm vaguely i'm excited about inception yeah that could be a movie about dream crime someday at this

[44:51] point i'll give christopher nolan the benefit of the doubt yeah you know ahead of time and i mean

[44:55] the same thing with scott pilgrim scott pilgrim toy story 3 should be good toy story 3 so there

[45:00] are three good movies three possibly good movies coming out this summer all right uh last story 3

[45:05] i'm excited about did that come out already it comes out uh on twilight eclipse comes out as

[45:10] well guys oh there you go i think i'll probably go see his toy story 3 maybe uh lastly he asked

[45:17] has elliot seen the newly restored version of 19 the 1927 classic silent film metropolis with 25

[45:23] minutes of never before seen footage found in a vault in buenos aires is it wrong to keep editing

[45:28] classics and if not when are we finally getting a cgi enhanced re-release of the magnificent

[45:33] ambersons i would say i haven't seen it yet unfortunately i missed it because uh i will

[45:37] there have been some uh schedule i won't get into it but there's been some family hell things that

[45:42] have been going on but uh i haven't i didn't get to see it but here's the thing i saw like 10 years

[45:48] ago when they released when film form had then the most recent up-to-date metropolis the problem

[45:53] with saying should we keep editing movies is that this is footage that was in the original cut yeah

[45:59] It's not like I did a new version.

[46:01] Yeah, and the other thing is that the –

[46:04] So wait, there's no like Jabba the Hutt and Jabba the Hutt?

[46:06] No, George didn't go in and put an extra music scene in.

[46:10] We're on first name basis now.

[46:11] Okay, that's cool.

[46:12] Jabba doesn't call –

[46:14] Take one trip to Skywalker Ranch.

[46:16] He doesn't call Rotwang the Mad Scientist my boogie.

[46:19] But I guess the thing is –

[46:22] What's a boogie?

[46:22] It means boy.

[46:23] Oh, really?

[46:24] Yeah, just like Bantha Poodoo means Bantha Fodder.

[46:28] And the huddies for Jedi mind tricks is Jedi mind tricks.

[46:33] It's like French, you know, le blue jeans, you know.

[46:38] Yes, it's a cognate.

[46:40] It's an imported word.

[46:42] Exactly, yeah.

[46:43] But the thing about, like, if they found the lost footage from Magnificent Ambersons,

[46:48] they, I think, would be well within their power to put it back in.

[46:53] I mean, the ending is lost forever, probably, and most of the other scenes.

[46:56] But if they found it, go right ahead.

[46:58] With Metropolis, it's not a matter of – it's not like the Marauder cut where they literally re-edited the movie, added a different soundtrack, colorized it.

[47:04] This is more in keeping with what German audiences saw at the film's premiere because then it was cut down for American release and international release.

[47:13] It wasn't that it was – that Lang had his cut in the studio, wanted it different, and blah, blah, blah.

[47:19] Anyway, but that's – but I haven't seen it yet.

[47:22] All right.

[47:23] Well, since Stuart's eyes are glazing over, we'll move on.

[47:26] What are we fucking talking about?

[47:27] We'll talk about this later, I guess.

[47:29] You'll like this one better, Stuart.

[47:31] Oh, wait, but I will say, if you missed Metropolis,

[47:33] come see another Fritz Lang movie, Human Desire, July 7th at 92i Tribeca.

[47:37] I'll be showing it.

[47:38] Stuart, you'll like this one because the title of the email is

[47:42] Even Better Than Wild Things 4.

[47:45] This is from Joshua, last name withheld.

[47:48] It says, hey, guys, the other day I listened to your podcast for the first time

[47:52] and spent the better part of the week listening to every episode because, A,

[47:57] I have no social life and B

[47:59] I absolutely love your commentary

[48:00] It's like 50 hours

[48:02] Anyone who references Big Sausage Pizza

[48:05] Cruel Intentions 2

[48:06] and the Emanuel in Space series

[48:08] while recommending Terror Vision for viewing

[48:11] my favorite movie of all time is a

[48:13] Titan in my book. I have so many

[48:15] questions to ask that I will limit myself to just two

[48:17] Number one, what other

[48:19] resources for bad movies do your gentlemen

[48:21] pursue? Any websites or other

[48:23] podcasts you can recommend for the bad movie lover

[48:25] And two, could you perhaps spend just a few minutes talking about my favorite type of bad movie, The Gremlins Ripoff.

[48:32] I'm thinking Ghoulies, Munchies.

[48:34] Munchies, sure, absolutely.

[48:36] So, yeah, those are some good...

[48:40] I'd recommend the I Love Bad Movies zine from Friend of the Flophouse, Xenia Yorosh.

[48:47] Oh, yeah.

[48:48] For other bad movies.

[48:49] Yeah, Elliot and I have both contributed articles to that zine, I Love Bad Movies.

[48:55] i'll repeat it again you can uh you can google that you can find it on etsy i believe yeah i

[49:00] think so um you know i mystery science theater is obviously the classic it's still uh yeah i mean

[49:07] good way to see him you can get it watched instantly on netflix these days yeah and it's

[49:12] it's conceptually better than what we do yeah because you can actually watch the movie while

[49:18] listening to commentary rather than having to imagine the movie uh i think we've we've done

[49:23] these people of service by keeping them from seeing legion i guess that's true but i imagine

[49:27] like hearing a synopsis even when it's one of your like very cogent synopses like with all

[49:32] our interruptions it's it's like having a five-year-old tell you the story of the movie

[49:36] they saw last night weird he gives with one hand and takes away with the other right there

[49:40] that's just like god a backhanded compliment okay that's what they call them uh but the

[49:46] yeah i mean just look around there's so many bad movies you know just look around you it's an it's

[49:51] a whole world to discover and explore and your local library wait you can see movies like oh

[49:58] yeah i mean most libraries do have movies that's true it's not john dan's not talking about a uh

[50:04] you're not talking about like movies in book form right no no it's not like some future some future

[50:08] library i went to the library because they said they had movies there you had to read all the

[50:14] movies yeah it's like i was uh i was driving cross country and i stopped by a gas station

[50:20] and they had a books on tape section

[50:22] and the big, like, the tagline

[50:24] for these books on tape were

[50:26] movies in your mind.

[50:28] Yeah, I guess that's

[50:32] books.

[50:33] Any thoughts on

[50:36] Ghoulies and or Munchies, guys?

[50:38] Ghoulies and or Munchies?

[50:42] I mean, I really enjoyed Munchies. I don't remember

[50:44] it that well. I was very young.

[50:46] I remember Ghoulies better than Munchies.

[50:47] That's coming up the

[50:49] coming up the shitter right that's the one the poster famously has a ghoulie coming up out of

[50:53] a toilet which i don't think ever actually happens in the movie all right which one there's very

[50:57] little of the little monsters and ghoulies which one in the on the vhs case has one of them uh

[51:03] you know holding on to a lady's shapely leg that's munchies okay and now which one has harvey

[51:09] corman wait on the cover of the poster is that is that ghoulies or munchies i don't remember him

[51:16] being in ghoulies um but i don't remember munchies maybe there's a third one that i'm trying to think

[51:20] of puppet master yes puppet master is kind of like uh gremlins rip off but they use puppets

[51:26] yeah or doll man versus the demonic toys sure similar yeah absolutely demonic toys i recently

[51:33] bought a i went to a dollar store in brooklyn and they had uh they had uh a action figure for one of

[51:40] the puppet master characters, the Leech Woman,

[51:43] which is such a poorly conceived toy because, first of all,

[51:47] it's a female action figure, so no boy's going to want it.

[51:50] And what girl's going to want a crazy action figure of a woman

[51:54] with leeches shooting out of her mouth?

[51:56] So, unsurprisingly, it was still for sale and covered in dust.

[52:04] I don't even think the money you spent on it...

[52:06] Did you buy it?

[52:07] Of course.

[52:07] I don't think the money spent even made its way back to Full Moon Entertainment.

[52:10] Which is too bad.

[52:12] Well, not at this point.

[52:13] That must have been dissolved long ago.

[52:16] I don't know.

[52:17] Do they make great movies like Mandroid and Invisible?

[52:22] The Chronicles of Bobby Knight?

[52:23] Wait, not Bobby Knight.

[52:25] Yeah, Chronicles of...

[52:28] Something Knight.

[52:30] What are you talking about?

[52:32] Movies.

[52:32] Movies in our minds?

[52:35] Yes.

[52:36] That's like describing radio as books in your ears, or like books as video games you have to read.

[52:47] It doesn't make sense.

[52:48] Non-interactive video games.

[52:49] Yeah.

[52:49] Text-based.

[52:51] I think we should skip over the recommendations because we're running long on time, but I want to get to this last email because it is a treat.

[53:02] And that is, it's titled, Response to an M. Biro Email, Post-its and Assumptions, from Victoria, last name withheld.

[53:14] And it says, well, well, well, just listen to the podcast today.

[53:17] I am actually the receptionist that your fellow Flophouse fanatic Martin Biro was talking about.

[53:23] Didn't think I'd write back, huh?

[53:25] Just to clear up some things.

[53:27] Oh, the one where he left a Post-it note?

[53:28] Yeah, exactly.

[53:29] We talked about it last time.

[53:31] And the receptionist, he assumed, did not listen to the podcast.

[53:34] And she says, one, I actually do have your podcast on my computer at home.

[53:40] And my boyfriend and I listen on occasion.

[53:42] You should make that regular.

[53:45] That's the first thing Stuart glommed on to.

[53:48] Boyfriend.

[53:48] While you make love.

[53:49] No longer interested.

[53:50] Barking up the wrong tree, I guess.

[53:52] I left the post-it on my desk because I wanted to share the link with other film friends of mine.

[53:57] However, I'm a bit more of a gamer, so I listen to Radio Free Burrito, Will Wheaton's podcast most of the time.

[54:03] I mean, come on, it's Next Generation and Will is cute.

[54:06] Yeah, he was the most hated character on Next Generation.

[54:09] I mean, he has become a geek icon since then.

[54:10] I think you look a lot like Will Wheaton, Dave.

[54:12] Yeah, you're kind of like the Will Wheaton of the Flophouse.

[54:14] Could I be Worf?

[54:17] And you could be Data.

[54:18] Oh my god, it's Next Generation.

[54:20] I want to be human.

[54:21] What is love?

[54:22] Oh, let's battle and stuff.

[54:27] here's where the email takes a dip though guys in this next sentence listen to this okay

[54:33] plus i saw the pics of you three not really cutting it for me wow wow even stewart burn

[54:42] wrote in to insult our parents wrote in wow

[54:46] um well there's a that's awesome uh i actually do like your show i agree with martin that the

[54:55] ongoing homophobic rant towards short shorts

[54:58] and a werewolf was a big mud.

[54:59] Never happened.

[55:00] It did not happen.

[55:01] Wait, yeah, didn't you go on some sort of homophobic rant?

[55:05] Never.

[55:05] That was weird.

[55:07] He hates homosexuals.

[55:10] And Stuart and I have no problems with that.

[55:13] I know, that's the thing.

[55:14] Another reason why they love us and don't like Dan.

[55:17] Two, I don't read Red Book or McCall.

[55:20] Those are my mom's favorite magazines.

[55:23] Actually, those would be Red Book and Architectural Digest.

[55:26] I study Japanese at my desk when I have two minutes or After Effects.

[55:30] No, I don't have personal issues at home, Stuart.

[55:32] I don't even remember this, man.

[55:35] Give him a lot of heat.

[55:37] Yeah.

[55:38] We have made our first flop anime.

[55:41] Flop Nemesis.

[55:44] She goes on to describe herself a little bit more,

[55:46] but I don't understand her references because they're all game-related.

[55:50] I'll check them out later and tell you whether or not they're valid.

[55:53] A lot of stuff about Samus Aran.

[55:55] Sure, she's sort of a Samus Aran for The Office, I suppose.

[55:59] I don't even know what that means.

[56:00] So, awesome, we have an enemy.

[56:03] No, we don't have, like, she likes the show,

[56:05] but I think that Martin has an enemy.

[56:07] I think that we have become the go-between for the feud,

[56:11] which has played out via the medium of the podcast.

[56:15] That's kind of weird.

[56:17] Exciting, though, huh?

[56:19] Oh, yeah.

[56:19] I wonder what's going to happen.

[56:23] Probably more exciting than the movie we just watched.

[56:25] We won't be there to witness it, though.

[56:27] I would love this podcast to become a clearinghouse for people's attacks on each other.

[56:32] Or their office politics.

[56:34] People who work with each other, writing in to us to read insults to their co-workers.

[56:40] We just very slowly morph into a passive-aggressive podcast.

[56:44] I think it's more important, though, is that she also managed to insult us and burn us.

[56:48] Which, frankly...

[56:50] Not cutting it.

[56:51] We're three handsome guys.

[56:53] Yeah, I mean...

[56:54] We're all, you know, we all have our...

[56:55] I'm not gross.

[56:56] We all have our lady friends.

[56:57] We all have our audiences, you know.

[56:59] Yeah.

[57:00] I mean, she does seem to be holding Will Wheaton up as the pinnacle of handsomeness.

[57:05] That's true.

[57:06] Good point.

[57:06] I don't think I look like Will Wheaton, right, guys?

[57:09] No, none of us do.

[57:10] I mean, Dan does, maybe.

[57:11] Well, a little bit, yeah.

[57:12] Dan does.

[57:12] You're sort of a young Josh Brolin.

[57:14] Young Josh Brolin?

[57:15] That's better than Worf, too.

[57:17] I'm sort of an old Mickey Rooney.

[57:22] Hey, if she likes Next Generation so much, people say I look kind of like Data, which

[57:26] is not an appealing...

[57:27] Not at all.

[57:28] You look kind of like...

[57:29] His name's Brent Spiner.

[57:30] Elliot kind of looks like Odo.

[57:31] That's the...

[57:33] Like, Odo got away...

[57:35] Who played Odo?

[57:36] Is it...

[57:37] You know Odo.

[57:37] Not Rene Averageman, was it?

[57:38] Yeah, it is.

[57:39] Oh, okay.

[57:39] You got those really weird cheekbones like that guy does.

[57:43] And I do have chalk-pale skin, yeah.

[57:45] Oh, wow.

[57:48] Now that we've had our...

[57:50] Odo.

[57:52] now we've had our egos trounced by some uh yeah semi-anonymous uh listener i don't even know what

[58:00] her last name was it was withheld i forgot her love i forgot what she said actually so

[58:05] uh i hope it wasn't anything too guys we should uh we should sign off to go say our prayers so

[58:10] that we don't get attacked by angels yeah sarah prayers was that one of the characters from the

[58:15] movie all right they call me sarah prayers i wish they had gotten that overboard the characters

[58:21] names like you know like like bob redeemer you know sure john t atlas john t atlas well anyway

[58:29] our names are dan mccoy uh stewart wellington and elliot calen good night everyone or like

[58:37] or like christian everyman john pilgrim yeah

[58:45] I thought it was vampires that couldn't cross running water.

[58:50] Well, it depends on who you talk to.

[58:51] Really, a number of super...

[58:54] Because, like, the Headless Horseman, not a vampire.

[58:56] But a goblin.

[58:57] Well, a spirit of some kind.

[58:59] I use goblin in a wider sense.

[59:00] I mean, he's not like a red cap.

[59:01] No, he doesn't help people get their bags from the curb to the airport.

[59:06] That's not the type of red cap I'm talking about.

[59:08] Oh, what were you talking about then?

[59:09] Like a red cap.

[59:10] It's a type of, like, goblin or ogre that wears a red hat and devours travelers.

[59:15] Ah, I see.

[59:16] Why the red hat?

[59:17] Does he remember, like, the Guardian Angels?

[59:18] I don't quite know.

The Flop House: Episode #62 - Legion

Transcript

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