The Flop House: Episode #63 - From Paris With Love

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss From Paris with Love, starring everyone's favorite action star, bloated John Travolta.

[0:09] What did you do? Did you whittle this?

[0:12] You whittled this table out of a what?

[0:14] You carpentered this?

[0:16] You carpented it?

[0:18] You woodworked it?

[0:20] Let me put my thing on vibrate so it doesn't make noise.

[0:24] That's what you said.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] And over here, Elliot Kalin.

[0:42] You can't see it, but we're all on three different sides of the table.

[0:46] Mm-hmm. Well, we're in different corners of a room.

[0:49] How are my levels? We didn't check my levels before this one.

[0:51] We did check.

[0:52] What about my levels?

[0:53] I thought it was pretty good.

[0:54] Are my levels okay?

[0:55] Was it when I was telling my story earlier?

[0:56] Yeah, it was when you were telling your story.

[0:57] It was a good story.

[0:58] The problem is if I tell you that levels are being checked, you just yell check into the microphone.

[1:03] Yeah, well, I mean, my story was great because it had a beginning, middle, and end.

[1:06] Oh, yeah.

[1:07] Highs and lows, peaks and valleys.

[1:08] It followed the Aristotelian...

[1:10] Unities.

[1:11] Unities.

[1:12] Similar to a movie I watched.

[1:14] Not at all like a movie.

[1:16] No, no, you're wrong on that.

[1:19] We watched a little film.

[1:20] Very little.

[1:22] I didn't watch very much of it.

[1:24] From Paris with Love.

[1:26] Now, this sounds like a charming romantic comedy with maybe Katherine Heigl.

[1:29] Is that how you pronounce her name?

[1:31] Or a postcard you might receive.

[1:33] Or a Heichal.

[1:35] Or a postcard, or maybe it's a musical with Audrey Hepburn.

[1:39] Or one of those parody films.

[1:41] A song by Frank Lesser.

[1:42] Wait, not Frank Lesser.

[1:43] That's my friend.

[1:44] George Gershwin.

[1:45] Lesser.

[1:46] Who's the Lesser guy?

[1:47] The Lesser of who?

[1:48] Which guy?

[1:49] There was a...

[1:50] This is a hilarious...

[1:52] Lesser the composer, yeah.

[1:55] His name was also Frank Lesser.

[1:57] Learn and Lo.

[1:58] Let's say that instead.

[1:59] How about we say Rodgers and Hart?

[2:00] Rodgers and Hammerstein.

[2:01] I think his name could have also been used in a...

[2:03] Jerome Kern.

[2:04] James Bond parody film.

[2:06] Yeah.

[2:07] James Bond parody film.

[2:08] I like the epic movie franchise.

[2:10] It's not really much of a parody.

[2:11] They're just switching out Russia and Paris.

[2:14] Yeah, I mean...

[2:15] Paris is funnier than Russia.

[2:16] Yeah, but they're pretty weak when it comes to the parodies in those movies, yeah.

[2:20] That's true.

[2:23] In just my blanket parody movie put down I just made.

[2:26] Yeah.

[2:27] Yes.

[2:28] So that was a dead end.

[2:29] And let's move on.

[2:30] Ouch.

[2:31] Paris with Love.

[2:32] Starring...

[2:33] Who was in it?

[2:34] Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and John Travolta.

[2:39] And Jonathan Rhys-Travolta.

[2:40] Oh, yeah, they're both named John.

[2:42] That must have created hilarious complications on the set.

[2:45] I did.

[2:46] Oh, can you get John on the set?

[2:47] Not that John.

[2:48] The other John.

[2:50] Except for the fact that they're pretty much in every scene together.

[2:52] That's true.

[2:53] They would all be needed on the set at the same time.

[2:55] On the set they knew them as Bad Mustache John and Doughy Bald John.

[2:59] I think that's probably why they didn't just have John Travolta doing a dual role in this movie

[3:04] because the CGI costs would have been extremely...

[3:08] Prohibitive.

[3:09] I think a screen can carry that amount of weight to have two John Travoltas on screen.

[3:13] You mean like weight of character, right?

[3:15] I mean weight of human body.

[3:17] You think that the computer would shatter beneath it.

[3:20] Yes.

[3:21] All right.

[3:22] Only after screaming, why?

[3:26] I only wanted to be human to feel your human emotion of love.

[3:31] From Paris.

[3:33] Is that a short circuit joke, guys?

[3:37] No, just a general computer joke.

[3:39] Based on the Pinocchio complex that most computers seem to have.

[3:44] Oh, the Pinocchio complex?

[3:46] I think I took some classes in that.

[3:47] Isn't Ashton Kutcher in that?

[3:49] The Pinocchio complex.

[3:53] The Geppetto overdrive.

[3:58] The Cinderella protocol.

[4:02] I love these fairytale spy movies.

[4:05] This is a French produced action film.

[4:07] Yes.

[4:08] The Matilda connection.

[4:10] Which those words get audiences running to the multiplex.

[4:15] Well, I mean in my case, I told you guys beforehand that I kind of…

[4:19] You were hoping to like this movie.

[4:21] I was hoping to like this movie because like a lot of Luc Besson produced action films.

[4:25] Like Taxi.

[4:27] Sure.

[4:28] Are good for some…

[4:30] Fifth element.

[4:31] Some stupid jolts.

[4:32] Yeah.

[4:33] Some fun elements.

[4:34] Fifth element.

[4:35] Well, this director…

[4:36] The Messenger.

[4:37] That was a Luc Besson movie, wasn't it?

[4:38] Yeah, it was.

[4:39] The director Pierre Morel who…

[4:41] Oh, The Mushroom.

[4:42] Inventor of The Mushroom that bears his name.

[4:44] The guy who directed this film also directed District B13 and Taken.

[4:49] Two solid B action films.

[4:53] Solid, yeah.

[4:54] Action.

[4:55] Yeah.

[4:56] Just a lot of fun, guys.

[4:57] Just, you know, just a lot of fun.

[4:59] And The Transporters, right?

[5:01] Those were Luc Besson produced.

[5:02] Yep.

[5:03] Those were great.

[5:04] Yeah, not this director, but the director worked on…

[5:07] Luc Besson is a pretty heavy producer hand.

[5:11] Although he – or maybe not.

[5:12] It seems lazy because it's like Luc Besson comes up with a story idea, has someone else write it, has someone else direct it, then puts his name on it.

[5:20] Yeah.

[5:21] He's like the Judd Apatow of action movies.

[5:23] Oh, man.

[5:24] You hate Judd Apatow.

[5:25] But if you're going to watch…

[5:26] I don't hate him.

[5:27] I hate his work.

[5:28] You hate him.

[5:29] But if you're going to watch like a stupid action film, like a stupid action film that seems like a middle school kid came up with, I would rather watch…

[5:36] Something with a lot of uzi's?

[5:37] Yeah, I'd rather watch a Luc Besson one than like Legion.

[5:40] Because of all the French extras and shot on location in France.

[5:45] Yeah.

[5:46] French.

[5:47] Very French.

[5:48] Women walking around in lingerie shooting.

[5:51] Potentially underage, yeah.

[5:52] Yeah.

[5:53] Well, there wasn't a lot of that.

[5:55] I was talking to Stuart before the movie, before the recording after the movie, and we're saying that there are three real female characters in this movie.

[6:04] Two of them end up shot in the head and one of them is a prostitute.

[6:08] That sums up the movie in a lot of ways, I feel like.

[6:11] What kind of message do you think does that send the female viewers?

[6:15] I think the message it sends is we hate you.

[6:18] Okay, nice.

[6:19] Why are you watching this?

[6:20] Well, I mean John Travolta probably has no interest in them.

[6:23] Yeah, well, I mean it's clear by the end of the film that the love story is between Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and John Travolta.

[6:30] And what is the story?

[6:31] Should we get into the plot of the movie?

[6:33] If you can explain the plot of this film, I will give you a Coke.

[6:37] I'll try my best, and I do love Coca-Cola.

[6:40] It's a fine product made by a fine company, an all-American drink, great taste, gives you energy.

[6:47] For you, comes in an attractive red can, beautiful logo.

[6:51] So that was the plot to Coca-Cola.

[6:53] I explained what Coca-Cola is about, right?

[6:56] Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is the aide to the American ambassador to France.

[7:01] And Jonathan Rhys-Meyers has a very unbelievable American accent.

[7:04] He lives with a French girl named – what is it?

[7:07] Caroline.

[7:08] Clementine?

[7:09] Caroline?

[7:10] Caroline.

[7:11] And they have a storybook romance, but he doesn't want to be a low-level bureaucrat in an embassy.

[7:17] He wants to be a secret agent.

[7:19] And what does she do?

[7:20] She makes her own clothes.

[7:21] Okay, that's a believable profession.

[7:25] He gets the opportunity through a mysterious voice on his cell phone who we never find out who the voice is or where it's coming from.

[7:32] I think it was just supposed to be his boss.

[7:33] It's just like mission command.

[7:34] But it's not his ambassador boss because his boss, the ambassador, never has any idea what the fuck he's doing or why he's not around.

[7:40] But he gets told there's an American agent coming into town.

[7:44] You're his partner now.

[7:45] You've got to drive him around.

[7:46] His name is Wax.

[7:48] And this is John Travolta, bald goatee, earring in one ear, flamboyant scarf, leather jacket.

[7:54] Pudgy.

[7:55] Very pudgy.

[7:56] And he is a –

[7:57] But still really charming, right?

[7:59] Oh, yeah, incredibly charming.

[8:01] But dangerous in like a bad boy way.

[8:04] An unlikable, unstoppable killing machine.

[8:07] And he lies to Jonathan Riz Meyers throughout the course of the film, kills people basically on a whim all the time.

[8:14] It looks like they're going to stop a Chinese drug-dealing gang.

[8:17] Then it turns out they're actually after terrorists.

[8:20] There's a lot of running around and shooting people with things.

[8:23] John Travolta says a lot of irritating stuff.

[8:26] Jonathan Riz Meyer is the straight man of the group.

[8:30] So it's a lot of like –

[8:31] You made quotation marks in two sentences.

[8:33] Yeah.

[8:34] Are you bashing homosexuals again, Dan?

[8:38] I'm not bashing them.

[8:39] I'm referencing the same rumor about John Travolta that you yourself had referenced earlier in the podcast.

[8:44] Okay, fine.

[8:45] You got me.

[8:46] But it's a lot of like, come on, baby.

[8:48] We got to shoot down these guys.

[8:49] Let's do this.

[8:50] No, no, no.

[8:51] That's what I'm talking about.

[8:52] And then Jonathan Riz Meyer says, what we're doing is –

[8:54] This is crazy.

[8:55] Explain to me, sir.

[8:57] What is going on here?

[8:58] My fiancé is waiting for us.

[9:01] And they fight a lot.

[9:03] It turns out – spoiler.

[9:05] I'm skipping ahead a lot.

[9:07] I do like how John Travolta is constantly trying to make Jonathan Riz Meyer feel bad about having a fiancé.

[9:14] Yes.

[9:15] And like, oh, man, this girl is just going to mess you up and everything before she gets shot in the head.

[9:20] Well, later on she gets shot.

[9:22] They just leave a trail of bodies and explosions in their wake including at least three or four innocent French policemen who were blown up when they opened a booby trap door.

[9:32] And let me just say, like, it is not clear from the beginning what John Travolta's mission is supposed to be.

[9:38] It seems to do with shooting a bunch of Asian people at the beginning and finding cocaine.

[9:43] And carrying around a vase full of cocaine.

[9:46] And somehow cocaine leads to terrorism.

[9:48] And the scene – they kind of – just like how in North by Northwest, the scene where the plot is explained to Cary Grant, there's a lot of airplane noise so you don't hear it.

[9:56] Here, John Travolta makes Jonathan Riz Meyer do some coke.

[10:00] And then he explains the plot to him, which of course, through Jonathan Rhys-Meyers,

[10:04] it's the movie brilliantly filters are through perception through his

[10:08] and what John Travolta is saying is almost incomprehensible.

[10:11] You hear the words terrorist, bomb, something else.

[10:14] Yeah, like there's like multiple John Travoltas on the screen and his voice goes all weird.

[10:19] And I was expecting it to cut to a shot of Jonathan Rhys-Meyers going cross-eyed,

[10:23] like sticking his tongue out. You know, like when when Elliot does cocaine.

[10:28] Yeah, that's exactly what happens. I turn into a Tex Avery character.

[10:32] Ironically, the speed at which he talks decreases when he does cocaine.

[10:40] But I was shaking my fist. So they take a break to go have dinner

[10:44] at Jonathan Rhys-Meyers apartment. They're laughing it up.

[10:47] John Travolta is really charming the pants probably in the future off of

[10:52] a watchman, Caroline's friend, who's vaguely, vaguely, vaguely Pakistani or Middle Eastern or

[11:00] something looks like a terrorist. And then she gets a phone call with terrorism.

[11:04] She gets a phone call and says, oh, someone calling for Rose.

[11:07] There's no one here by that name. John Travolta takes out a gun,

[11:09] shoots her in the head. So it turns out that was a code word for terrorist.

[11:13] The girlfriend, which she made sure to say out loud,

[11:17] knows why the girlfriend is also a terrorist. The whole apartment is bugged.

[11:22] She runs away. There's a daring rooftop chase, which ends with John Travolta,

[11:26] I assume, having a heart attack when the cameras stop rolling, sweating,

[11:30] baking grease pouring from his face. I feel bad for the poor stuntman who had

[11:34] to strap on a fat suit to do that fucking chase.

[11:40] The stuntman was in the makeup chair for six hours.

[11:42] It was like one of the fucking clumps or something.

[11:44] And they it turns out the girlfriend has this is a six year plan to kill

[11:50] some sort of American diplomat at a conference of African nations at the American embassy in Paris.

[11:57] They've got to stop this person. They follow a decoy car.

[12:00] Then it turns out that's the real car. They blow it up with a rocket launcher.

[12:04] They go to the embassy. John Trismayers,

[12:06] the whole movie has been very reluctant to shoot anyone.

[12:09] And when he gets there, he's forced. Why would he be reluctant to shoot people?

[12:14] He's a human John John Travolta seems to do it willy nilly.

[12:17] When John Travolta kills, it's like it's one of those things where he doesn't even

[12:20] have a license to kill like he has a license to slaughter.

[12:23] You have to realize Jonathan Travolta.

[12:30] Jonathan Seymour Travolta, you're in trouble.

[12:32] John Travolta eats everything that he kills, so he doesn't waste anything.

[12:37] That's why it's OK for him to do it. That's why he's so overweight.

[12:40] He's also kind of like just like that gunfight in the Mannequin Factory,

[12:47] which is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

[12:49] There's so many scenes that sound exciting, like the gunfight in the Mannequin Factory.

[12:53] We're just going to title for like a short story,

[12:55] the gunfight in the Mannequin Factory, his restaurant.

[12:58] And he's just kind of flailing about firing his guns.

[13:01] And obviously, every single bullet finds their target.

[13:04] Yeah, bad guys that have very little sense of self-preservation by jumping out,

[13:08] firing their Uzi's into the air while getting shot.

[13:13] The Uzi's are a real throwback to like action movies from 1988.

[13:16] Like I thought for a second they just took like

[13:18] extra footage from Last Boy Scout and splice it in.

[13:22] Oh, well, OK, so they're at the embassy.

[13:24] Jonathan Riesmeier's girlfriend is there.

[13:26] She's got a bomb strapped to her chest.

[13:28] He tries to talk her down, but he tries to talk her down, but it doesn't work.

[13:34] And he shoots her in the head and everything's OK.

[13:37] And John Travolta and Jonathan Riesmeier's are now secret agents.

[13:40] And then it's fucking Miller time, right?

[13:42] They go and play a game of chess while sitting on the tarmac.

[13:44] With a hamburger, right?

[13:45] Yeah, yeah, royal cheese, which is a reference to Pulp Fiction,

[13:51] a movie that Jonathan Travolta was actually good at.

[13:54] Yeah, it's just the movies reminding you

[13:58] if you're angry and sad after watching this movie,

[14:01] you can always go home and watch Pulp Fiction or,

[14:04] you know, Phenomenon or any of those movies.

[14:06] Fucking shits.

[14:07] Lucky Numbers or Michael Michael.

[14:11] Sure, Broken Arrow.

[14:13] Broken Arrow.

[14:15] Hairspray.

[14:16] Sure.

[14:16] Primary Colors.

[14:18] Oh, he's been a lot of junk.

[14:20] Yeah.

[14:22] So this is a this is a meaningless, incomprehensible, you know, insult to the world.

[14:29] Yeah, one of my favorite just incomprehensible bits is during the climax when,

[14:34] um, you know, John Travolta is chasing after the Middle Eastern looking fellow

[14:41] in a car with a rocket launcher.

[14:44] It's a car chase.

[14:45] John Travolta has a rocket launcher with him.

[14:47] Yeah, and and he thinks that Caroline is also in the car

[14:52] because Caroline has placed a mannequin with a burqa in the car with with the guys, a decoy.

[14:58] Tell you that mannequin was really on the move.

[15:01] Mm hmm.

[15:02] Yeah, I thought they were racing around looking for a magical necklace to bring that shit to life.

[15:07] And Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is like, there's something wrong with this.

[15:10] And he calls up John Travolta once he realizes that this is a decoy.

[15:14] And John Travolta has a conversation with Jonathan Rhys-Meyers on a cell phone while

[15:18] outside of a car whizzing at, you know, like one has to believe, like 70 miles an hour,

[15:22] at least some amount of kilometers.

[15:24] I don't know.

[15:25] Probably like a million kilometers.

[15:26] And he's like, no, no, no, no.

[15:28] They're not trying to attack the diplomat or whoever the fuck.

[15:31] The car is a decoy.

[15:32] She's not in the car.

[15:33] Don't blow it up.

[15:34] Yeah.

[15:34] And then that accent is more believable than his accent, by the way.

[15:37] Well, because I'm an American.

[15:38] Yeah, that makes sense.

[15:40] This is the voice I normally talk with.

[15:42] Yeah.

[15:42] Caroline's got she's going to sneak into the embassy.

[15:45] They're going to do it there.

[15:46] And John Travolta's like, oh, shit, you're right.

[15:48] That is a decoy.

[15:49] And then all of a sudden, like minutes later, the car that John Travolta is following

[15:55] pulls out its own like rockets that it's going to shoot at a car.

[15:58] And John Travolta is like, oh, I got to blow this car up anyway.

[16:01] And it's just like, why have that switcheroo in there?

[16:05] They give you the brilliant twist that this car is a decoy.

[16:09] And then it's like they were like, ah, it's kind of better if the car is a bomb

[16:14] that he's going to drive into the motorcade.

[16:16] It's a real letdown if it's a decoy.

[16:17] So we'll just make it that way.

[16:18] Yeah.

[16:19] That scene will just fizzle at the end.

[16:21] I mean, but let's not forget.

[16:22] But the only reason why they had the mannequin in the car then is so that if John Travolta

[16:28] saw it, he would realize, wait a minute, there is definitely a decoy because they made an

[16:34] effort to put this mannequin to make you think she's in the car.

[16:36] Here's why I think he has a mannequin.

[16:38] Because the motorcade was going to be in the carpool lane.

[16:41] He's never going to be able to drive it by himself into that carpool lane.

[16:44] The times I've been driving through Staten Island, people really don't pay that close

[16:48] attention to those rules.

[16:49] It's totally different.

[16:50] They're pretty strict about the HOV lane.

[16:52] Oh, yeah.

[16:52] Well, you saw how strict they were about John Travolta bringing soda into the country.

[16:56] Well, it wasn't technically soda.

[16:57] It was an energy drink.

[16:58] That's true.

[17:00] Oh, man.

[17:01] The brilliant scene where we got to know John Travolta.

[17:03] We're introduced to John Travolta.

[17:04] He's held up at customs because he has cans of an energy drink with him that the French

[17:09] won't let him bring in for who knows what reason.

[17:11] And he doesn't like energy.

[17:13] Well, they are very lackadaisical people.

[17:16] But he and he is arguing with them.

[17:18] And he's a big asshole.

[17:20] And he's supposed to come off, I guess, as like says what he feels, you know, no nonsense

[17:25] American, you know, tough guy.

[17:27] But he just comes off as a jerk.

[17:29] And then it turns out that the cans all have gun parts in them, you know, that he assembles

[17:34] because he has to sneak his own gun in because John Travolta loves his own gun.

[17:39] Even though he uses 100 different guns.

[17:42] I mean, he is.

[17:44] I wouldn't say a mass murderer, but he's killed many, many people.

[17:47] He probably has some kind of psychosis that's based around his instrument of killing.

[17:51] Yeah, it's really ritualized at this point.

[17:53] Like if it was a knife made out of blue glass, like in I Know Who Killed Me.

[17:58] Well, you don't see the parts.

[18:00] They cut out the scenes where after each of the kills, he goes back later and masturbates

[18:03] at the scene of the crime.

[18:05] Sure.

[18:06] Just because he has a psychosexual connection to the.

[18:08] Why do you think they cut that out of the movie?

[18:10] Because it doubled the length of the movie.

[18:14] It would have made this a three hour film.

[18:15] Well, because after a while, I mean, he's turned on, but it's still like, oh, this is

[18:19] kind of hard work to get this out.

[18:21] Also, the studio notes thought that made him a little too unlikable.

[18:25] They had to cut that.

[18:26] Kind of strange.

[18:29] That custom scene angered me at the time, but now thinking about it in retrospect, it

[18:32] angers me all the more.

[18:33] Is it because of your part time job as a customs agent?

[18:36] It's so hard and people don't realize I'm not trying to be a jerk.

[18:40] It's just my job, guys.

[18:41] In this economy, I can't get any better.

[18:44] It's for safety.

[18:45] Yeah, this is this is a movie that thinks it is like Dan.

[18:48] Dan, you were saying it thinks it's like a more amped up action version of like the

[18:53] in-laws, like like a mismatched buddy comedy action movie.

[18:57] But that's a little harder edged.

[18:59] But instead, it's just like unlikable people doing stupid things.

[19:02] And an action movie version of the in-laws wouldn't be wouldn't be bad if they had

[19:06] charismatic actors.

[19:07] I mean, people as charismatic as Peter Falk and Alan Arkin, but like action stars like

[19:13] the idea of like Jason Statham and I think Jet Li and Jet Li.

[19:20] Like this movie, it's perfect, writes itself.

[19:23] This movie Night and Day that's out right now, like that seems like it's way to date

[19:27] all the way to date the podcast.

[19:30] Yeah, people are going to be listening to this 20 years from now.

[19:33] Oh, man, that took me out of it.

[19:35] I mean, it was up to date with what we were talking about from Paris with Love.

[19:38] No, but like this movie Night and Day is getting the 20th anniversary of Paris with Love.

[19:43] That's why they're watching it.

[19:44] Oh, they're gathering in Paris.

[19:46] Night and Day, the Cole Porter story.

[19:49] Like people like it's getting terrible reviews, but it seems like that's also trying to do

[19:53] the same thing where like, oh, there's this crazy secret agent and you don't know whether

[19:59] they're crazy.

[20:00] or not and like

[20:01] if this movie had actually play that up a little bit more

[20:04] uh... is that the one where one of the character's name is salt

[20:07] no no that's the angelina jolie movie

[20:10] okay because i'm wondering what the fuck this shit's all about salt that's she's a

[20:13] woman who apparently is a sleeper russian agent

[20:16] but she doesn't know it

[20:17] why do they name her salt then? I think it's based on the book salt

[20:21] yeah an adaptation of the historical book

[20:24] salt the history of iraq or whatever the only rock we eat or whatever it's called

[20:27] it's a loose adaptation though

[20:30] you and i were going for the same joke at the same time. well how many fucking jokes are there

[20:33] about the word salt

[20:35] it's based on the strategic arms limitation treaty

[20:38] yes but i still think it's a little esoteric

[20:43] i don't think most people would have gone for that joke

[20:46] uh... so yeah we're talking about jonathan travolta

[20:50] i'm your dark mirror dan that's why we went for the same joke

[20:54] your success

[20:56] is a constant uh... rebuke to me

[21:00] we're making some good progress tonight

[21:02] so uh... jonathan travolta from from paris conlove

[21:06] yes

[21:07] uh... very unlikeable he is

[21:10] yeah he's supposed to be like an outrageous character but instead he

[21:13] just comes off as a douche well and he also i mean i'm uh... you know this may

[21:17] be an insensitive joke to make but he as i said

[21:20] he looks like steve gutenberg at the beginning of don't tell her it's me when

[21:23] he's like all bloated from chemotherapy like he doesn't look like an action star

[21:27] he's like it's a little offensive i mean that character had hodgkin's disease dan

[21:30] and that affects a lot of people well and don't tell her it's me was a was a

[21:33] sensitive treatment uh...

[21:35] oh yeah

[21:35] the trials and tribulations i mean the animated title sequence where he goes

[21:39] through his cancer treatment is particularly sensitive yeah

[21:43] i found it kind of touching and it helped me get through some tough times

[21:47] i'm just saying that jonathan travolta looks like a ziggy sort of character in this film

[21:51] i guess i suppose that's fair wallace sean is a ziggy sort of character

[21:55] i don't think i should remind you of that

[21:58] because gawker knows

[22:00] no he does not and they could have played off the fact that he doesn't look

[22:04] like an action star but instead they just take it for granted that you think

[22:07] he is a super bad ass from moment one

[22:10] and they he's got all the things that say super bad ass he's bald he looks like a pirate

[22:15] he's got an earring that looks like a napkin ring hanging out of his ear

[22:19] he's sweating for most of the film

[22:21] and you know what i love about him wiping his forehead with pieces of cheese

[22:26] and then eating it

[22:27] before devouring them possibly biting his fingers in the process

[22:31] not even realizing it

[22:34] i mean what i really liked about his character though is he really felt like

[22:38] like we're just interrupting part of this person's life

[22:42] like he's existed for years before and he's going to continue after

[22:47] it felt very real this movie

[22:50] like we just took a little page out of his autobiography

[22:55] wax

[22:57] oh yeah his last name was sam wax

[23:00] i think you're confusing him with

[23:03] the character of sam axe from burn notice

[23:06] i don't think that's the case

[23:09] but his last name is wax

[23:11] it was like charlie wax

[23:15] this is a sequel to house of wax

[23:18] where he's also a crazed killer

[23:21] oh it's a wax museum

[23:23] oh ok i thought you were talking about tyler perry's house of pain for a second

[23:26] i don't remember that many killers

[23:29] i like tyler perry's medea's house of wax

[23:32] i don't remember all the killers

[23:35] medea was horribly scarred in a fire at her wax museum

[23:39] and now she's going for revenge

[23:41] sure that makes sense

[23:43] is there like portals to other dimensions in the basement of her wax museum

[23:46] yes because it's the wax works also

[23:49] that's kind of odd i don't know why she'd have that

[23:52] and it's the discovery of television among the bees

[23:55] anybody? anyone know that movie?

[23:57] wax or discovery? ok well independent film

[24:00] early 90's

[24:02] i don't watch a lot of movies

[24:04] unless they're at the multi-times

[24:06] well you made the point steward that you still haven't seen toy story 3 yet

[24:09] and yet you're sitting watching from paris with love

[24:12] while crying

[24:15] john travolta doesn't bring his patented john travolta charm to this particular project

[24:18] he does a lot of the things that john travolta does when he's not charming though

[24:21] which is talk as if he's really cool and laugh really loudly

[24:24] there's a lot of shouting

[24:27] a lot of shouting

[24:30] he does kind of what ray liotta does when ray liotta laughs in movies

[24:33] where he laughs really loudly with his mouth wide open

[24:36] as if he's shooting laughs at you from out of his mouth

[24:39] ow ow

[24:42] stop being funny

[24:45] stop being amused

[24:48] and this is also a movie where john travolta

[24:51] it's like a very bad james bond movie

[24:54] he has a number of high tech devices

[24:57] which appear in his hands as if from some pocket dimension

[25:00] and then he uses them once and never again

[25:03] he has a watch that he can use to send coordinates

[25:06] to the u.s. and they can track things

[25:09] and he uses it once and then it's like well

[25:12] there's no reason to use this ever again

[25:15] i mean the watch is taken from him at one point but he doesn't try to get it back

[25:18] and later on he has that bazooka

[25:21] and he shoots it once and that's it

[25:24] well there's really nothing left for him to bazooka

[25:27] he'd just be shooting random cars and things

[25:30] or people

[25:33] you wonder at what point john travolta's character will snap

[25:36] and just start shooting people at random

[25:39] i mean i think technically he kind of was shooting people at random

[25:42] he just got lucky that they were all bad guys

[25:45] john travolta didn't bring his charm but jonathan reese myers of course

[25:48] made up for it right in spades

[25:51] in david spades

[25:54] which is in a sort of what is ace of bays

[25:57] his goatee looked like

[26:00] yeah he has a tiny goatee and a terrible american accent

[26:03] and jonathan reese myers can be incredibly charming

[26:06] and charismatic in movies and television shows

[26:09] and magazines

[26:12] i was wondering

[26:15] the first time i really saw him

[26:18] was in the television production of gormenghast

[26:21] where he is great as steer pike the kind of cunning rogue

[26:24] who is playing members of this royal family

[26:28] and the whole movie you're wondering

[26:31] where's the guy who is interesting and likeable

[26:34] even when he's doing unlikable things

[26:37] what happened to that jonathan reese myers

[26:40] well there's that great bit of physical comedy at the beginning

[26:43] when he's trying to stick the listening device inside the french

[26:46] president's

[26:49] french minister of plot devices

[26:52] he's trying to stick that listening device under the guy's desk

[26:56] which of course in spy school is the first thing you learn

[26:59] is that you should use gum to stick a listening device

[27:02] and it keeps falling on the floor

[27:05] and he has to cough and drop things

[27:08] and make up stories

[27:11] the whole time the music is like

[27:14] when it should have been

[27:17] mine

[27:20] it's a dumb movie

[27:24] and then there's that great bit when he goes home

[27:27] to meet his girlfriend or fiance who turns out to be

[27:30] a super terrorist spy

[27:33] and he gets home

[27:36] apparently just to get some credentials

[27:39] to get credentials once

[27:42] you could have just lifted from him

[27:45] you could have employed a few pickpockets

[27:48] just beat him up

[27:52] i mean it was six years

[27:55] what if he got transferred or lost his job

[27:58] six years before how did they know he was going to be assigned

[28:01] to this particular detail

[28:04] wouldn't there have been a more important

[28:07] wouldn't there have been something before then

[28:10] more important

[28:13] say older official who would not look

[28:16] a gift young attractive fiance in the mouth

[28:19] mouth

[28:22] is that a dirty word for a woman's

[28:25] thing

[28:28] her face

[28:31] you're being offensive

[28:34] i think for six years the american embassy has been planning

[28:37] big events and terrorists have been about to stop them

[28:40] and they've been called off for the weather or people couldn't make it

[28:43] or they booked the hall on the wrong day

[28:46] and they couldn't get the people in

[28:49] so for six years she's had to pretend to be in love with him

[28:52] because they keep changing plans

[28:55] so from her point of view she hates him

[28:58] she's got to stay with him because the embassy keeps cancelling all these big terrorist

[29:01] terroristable events

[29:04] she keeps going to her terrorist boss and objecting to this plan

[29:07] i cannot stand this guy

[29:10] no no you'll stay with him

[29:13] i like that movie

[29:16] a lot of farting in bed

[29:19] nothing but farting in bed

[29:22] that's what the movie's called

[29:25] farting in bed

[29:28] it's a terrorist story

[29:31] i like this movie

[29:34] it's a parody of the man in black poster that says F.I.B

[29:37] instead of M.I.B

[29:40] this is just the poster

[29:43] they'll think it's a movie called F.I.B

[29:46] about lying

[29:49] that's what the kids would call it

[29:52] i've seen it ten times i love F.I.B

[29:55] i think you're presuming a lot about the audience's reaction to it

[29:58] i think it's more of a movie that they see once and they're like

[30:01] that's pretty cool

[30:00] you know i might see you know i don't know they'll see it over and over again

[30:02] because here's why

[30:03] multiple endings you never know which one you're gonna get when you go to the

[30:07] theater

[30:08] okay okay i like it is star

[30:12] okay tim curry to start it's going to be uh... isn't he did not know he's still

[30:15] alive

[30:17] probably doing

[30:18] well i mean the last we saw him was on broadway and spam a lot and the last i

[30:23] saw him as the villain mckale's navy

[30:26] i mean he's he's done other things to do you just a minute of watching mckale's

[30:30] navy that's odd how was i not going to watch it all-star cast headed by tom

[30:33] arnold's come on

[30:35] based on a show i've never seen

[30:38] course i was gonna watch that's the one with kelsey graham right now that's down

[30:42] there so which i've also seen

[30:45] it's also a casualty of the all-star cast of kelsey graham and lauren holly

[30:50] how could they not carry a film

[30:54] uh... to that i would say of paris

[30:58] uh... man

[30:59] just uh... kelsey graham urges just

[31:02] just looks like a submarine captain

[31:04] he looks yeah well i guess

[31:07] it may not know what you're basing that off of

[31:10] is what he's currently a million my book famous every captain he's currently

[31:13] appearing in the cause of all on broadway and it's a rewrite the

[31:16] character to make in the submarine captain

[31:18] because nobody believed in any other way yeah

[31:21] that's why you do you remember that line in x-men three when they're like

[31:24] professor mccoy we need your help

[31:26] because you are on a submarine yes i was the captain and they decided that in

[31:31] in the comics because i thought i was a very careful because i thought that was all ad

[31:35] lib like it was one of those things where they just threw it out there like

[31:38] now they're just out of the best take that was the funniest take

[31:41] they were looking for the funniest take for x-men 3

[31:46] yeah you know you'll get up a little

[31:48] yeah they're you know riffing doing some riffs

[31:52] riffing off cgi cgi riffs

[31:57] don't worry we'll pump up these riffs in post with cgi

[32:01] that sounds good we'll get peter jackson to work on it

[32:04] do we have more to say about this i don't know how much we have to

[32:07] it's a dumb movie

[32:09] it is as la put it a very dumb movie

[32:12] there are more exciting action treats

[32:16] out there in the world

[32:18] that's true

[32:19] and ones where you can actually parse the uh... plot

[32:23] which is a big problem is that right yeah your problem was based on that you

[32:27] just didn't like it well there are a lot of problems well you're presupposing that there's a plot

[32:31] i didn't like the characters

[32:32] but also i didn't understand the plot

[32:34] and i didn't understand what characters were supposed to be wanting from

[32:38] moment to moment okay

[32:40] even like the stupidest action films i feel like people's motivations are usually

[32:44] very clear

[32:45] and here

[32:47] there's no sense of even what like the fake uh... yeah you know like

[32:51] mission was supposed to be before it got like wacky they never even made it clear why

[32:55] jonathan mears myers wants to be a secret agent that's really interesting that was your

[32:59] problem because my problem with the movie was that there was only terrible well that there

[33:02] was only one scene where a woman gets shot in the head in slow motion

[33:06] normally there needs to be like four or five for me to like a movie there was one scene where a woman is shot in the head in slow motion and one where she's shot in the head in regular speed

[33:14] uh... still

[33:17] i don't know if i saw that part was i in the bathroom no you saw that

[33:20] okay that was probably laughing and pumping my fists shouting awesome

[33:25] i think you did actually

[33:27] and you started screaming USA USA

[33:30] that's what happens to terrorists and blowing a voo-voo zaila

[33:36] that's going to take this podcast if anything world cup references

[33:41] uh... because i bet our fans are huge world cup fans

[33:44] huge sports fans the blockhouse listeners well i

[33:48] dig yourself out of this hole mccoy

[33:52] in the u.s. uh... soccer is the nerd of sports so i would imagine that our fans

[33:57] if they followed a sport like lacrosse

[34:00] curling or

[34:01] they're like you're seeing a competitive nintendo playing something

[34:06] you're just going to like silly i'm saying that of the of the sports i think

[34:09] that soccer is like team sports yeah i'm glad i would say that soccer is likely the sports that our fans listen to

[34:16] listen to

[34:16] listen to on the radio although if you have to do like trajectory soccer just turn on WFAN and listen to the soccer play-by-play

[34:25] uh... see how the new york cosmos are doing

[34:29] it's not even their name

[34:30] i mean it was thirty years ago when they played

[34:34] anyway so let's uh...

[34:36] let's give our final judgments on this this fucking thing

[34:39] uh... to recap the judgment i don't know that we ever have to that we have to keep

[34:44] explaining the scale of judgments every time is this a good bad movie a bad bad movie a movie you actually kind of liked

[34:50] ali what do you have to say i would call this a bad bad movie and there were times

[34:55] i wanted to turn it into a movie i kind of liked because it was so stupid

[34:58] but it just

[35:01] it fails to meet any of the requirements even for being like one of them there's like the movie tango and cash

[35:06] i could watch over and over again i love that movie it's so funny it's so dumb

[35:11] it's so amazingly stupid in like the most fun way and this was i was hoping this would be like that but it wasn't

[35:19] this

[35:20] uh... was the best movie i've ever seen no i'm joking

[35:24] uh... i had you guys go in there for a second

[35:31] uh... it was very slow

[35:33] uh... the action scenes were shot really poorly

[35:37] because they were trying so hard to make john travolta seem tough and competent

[35:44] and uh... yeah it was really boring

[35:47] yeah i'm with you guys it's like i went through the stages of grief

[35:51] with this movie because like in the beginning i was like yeah this could be it

[35:55] this could be a movie i actually kind of enjoy like i can see it's stupid but i could enjoy it in a

[35:59] stupid way and then it's like moving on and i'm like oh

[36:02] this movie is terrible but

[36:04] it's moving along like this guy knows what he's doing it's a bad

[36:07] bad good bad movie it would be denial right

[36:09] yeah and then at the end i was like oh no this movie is a mess

[36:14] nothing makes any sense i hate our main characters

[36:17] yeah i think by the end you were tearing at your hair and smearing ashes on

[36:21] your face well have you guys ever seen that scene about two-thirds of the way through event horizon

[36:25] where sam neill rips his own eyes out sure because where he's going you won't need them anymore i think

[36:30] yeah just look at the end of back to the future

[36:32] no he says we won't need eyes he says that

[36:36] i think he does say something like that

[36:37] it's a really awesome scene

[36:41] so guys the fact that this movie made me want to watch event horizon more than watching it

[36:46] is making a pretty big statement event horizon is like

[36:50] one-third of a good movie

[36:53] it has its moments

[36:54] i'm good with that one-third

[36:56] uh... it's got larry fishburne in it

[36:59] so jonathan travolta and larry fishburne

[37:04] uh...

[37:04] and sammy neill

[37:06] i think that's how he goes on memoirs of an invisible man

[37:11] that's what he's referred to as

[37:13] sammy neill

[37:14] i don't have uh...

[37:17] letters letters per se

[37:19] but i do have

[37:20] i like letters

[37:22] uh...

[37:24] whoa dan put that away

[37:28] alright i'll put that away and i'll take out this which is

[37:32] no that's even worse

[37:35] it's like radio comedy

[37:38] don't open that closet faber mcgee

[37:43] laugh laugh body shaking

[37:46] lazy santa thanks god

[37:48] just rattle a bunch of things

[37:51] no what i do have

[37:53] is um...

[37:54] eagle-eyed

[37:55] flop house listener

[37:58] matt last name withheld

[38:02] eagle-eyed flop house fan matt last name withheld

[38:05] sent in a link

[38:07] to an article

[38:09] about a new friendlies product

[38:11] on the internet and on the internet saying that uh... you should sue stewart

[38:16] and the link was to a new

[38:19] burger that they have

[38:21] where the bun is two grilled cheese sandwiches

[38:25] now uh... flop house fans will recognize this is one of stew's

[38:29] unemployment suicide treats i wish this was there's an asterisk that would go to

[38:33] yellow box

[38:34] that would say uh...

[38:35] stew mentioned this sandwich and then whatever episode that was a thing

[38:40] yeah and then and then

[38:42] dash dash smilin' stan

[38:45] uh... ye old ed

[38:47] uh... you know it's like those marvel boxes

[38:51] this news probably wouldn't hurt my feelings so badly if

[38:57] they just named it after me you know

[39:01] what would you want to call it sandwich wellington

[39:04] yeah or like

[39:06] stewart wellington rules or something like that the sandwich well yeah i mean

[39:10] it would be

[39:11] colon the sandwich

[39:14] not the word colon that would be weird

[39:17] that's not very appetizing and i assume rules would be spelled with a z

[39:21] stewart wellington rules

[39:24] but my name would be spelled correctly

[39:26] so if you need that information friendlies you can call me

[39:29] well i know that you sent friendlies this

[39:31] proposal

[39:32] so i just hope you also sent yourself a copy so that it would be postmarked no see

[39:36] the problem was i didn't send it to him i drew it on the back of a friendlies

[39:39] placemat uh... that means it's their intellectual property i think so right

[39:44] yeah i wrote tm and shit stewart wellington tm but that like

[39:48] i thought you were on team stewart wellington

[39:50] oh

[39:51] yeah i did write t-e-a-m after stewart wellington so

[39:57] and then you drew the uniforms for what the stewart

[39:59] stewart wellington

[40:00] and teammates would wear yet always all unicorn

[40:03] well as a thing it was all uniforms and then giant male genitalia

[40:08] all over the place that i'm making these hamburgers out of giant gillette

[40:12] milton tailors and well i would i mean i presume not that would be kind of

[40:16] like i would think that the more expensive than what they're probably

[40:18] using a probably low-grade crappy beef is

[40:21] more expensive than human penises they could advertise it as an aphrodisiac

[40:25] sure yes friendly this is a gift when you want to get a girl in the mood to

[40:28] take it down to friendly it's

[40:30] well it's a very friendly place listen baby you need this upside down ice cream cone with

[40:34] with m&m eyes and then we're going to get busy back at the motel

[40:37] eat it slowly

[40:40] not too slowly because it'll melt and while she's eating the the stewart team

[40:45] aphrodisiac

[40:46] penis burger

[40:48] you can eat one of their variety of new salads which are all a delivery system

[40:52] for fried uh... fried chicken and cheese

[40:54] so enjoy that

[40:57] well that was that was a good fun guy

[41:00] uh... call that sketch friendlies with benefits

[41:04] well that's what it'd be a polite there was like chapters that we broke our

[41:07] thing

[41:09] and i think you do that a little website

[41:11] friendly with benefits that's notes for you in which are three heroes discuss an

[41:15] interesting restaurant proposal

[41:18] okay well uh... not zeros right

[41:20] heroes okay from zeros to heroes hercules

[41:24] that's the first time

[41:26] chiros

[41:27] in stores now is a pretty please

[41:29] had not been in stores in the past seven well but it's a but it's accurate i mean

[41:33] it's still in may not be disney may have pulled it by now but it may be a

[41:36] little bit difficult yeah

[41:39] with song of the south and uh...

[41:41] yeah that john henry cartoon that never got released and his

[41:45] it is a racist against greek gods

[41:47] uh... but uh... okay that what i want to do now is that talk about a new

[41:51] flophouse contest

[41:53] one that protest

[41:54] one that for once is well-defined

[41:57] so um... like elliot's ads

[41:59] well yeah

[42:01] i call them a situation

[42:02] yeah so we would like to get um...

[42:05] more uh... reviews on itunes and we would like to get them

[42:09] all at once

[42:10] so that itunes

[42:11] stands up and takes notice as if it was a person rather than anything suddenly

[42:16] takes the cigar out of its mouth and swings its feet off the desk and goes

[42:19] what's going on over here and that cigar is made out of a hundred dollar bills

[42:25] yes because that's

[42:26] you get the most pleasing smoke

[42:27] so here's the deal from a hundred dollar bills concealed with baby tears

[42:31] guys i'm now trying to explain the actual mechanics of this contest

[42:35] we want to get itunes reviews

[42:37] uh... here's the deal

[42:39] if you write a review of the flophouse

[42:41] on itunes

[42:43] before uh...

[42:45] uh...

[42:46] on or before

[42:48] august the first

[42:50] you are automatically entered into this contest

[42:53] uh... you know it does not have to be a good review of our show obviously we

[42:57] would prefer that but

[42:58] i don't want itunes to think that we're bribing you for good reviews

[43:02] and if it's a negative review just make sure it's like

[43:05] it gives us some real critique that we can work on something we can work with

[43:08] well written, funny, these guys suck, all in capitals, yeah exclamation point exclamation point

[43:14] again we would prefer a positive review but any review any fair review

[43:18] give us your real opinion

[43:20] uh... except for that one listener who said we were not

[43:23] her type of attractive

[43:25] yeah i don't care for that

[43:27] listen we are all

[43:29] you know we've all landed some beautiful ladies and

[43:32] it's not because we're a hundred dollar bills and we're all tremendously vain

[43:35] after we recorded that fucking podcast we were all looking in the mirror like

[43:39] for like an hour right talking about all of our imperfections and that's not cool

[43:42] because that's what makes us you know beautiful is our imperfections we were looking in a circus

[43:46] mirror so you don't want to give us a body dysmorphic disorder i mean come on

[43:50] yeah

[43:51] but uh... anyway elliot was having trouble eating remember

[43:55] well yeah that's because he would binge and purge i couldn't get the top off of the bucket

[44:00] and tinge and purge

[44:01] and minge and gurge

[44:03] anyway and stinge and lurge

[44:06] man

[44:06] you're on a roll though keep it up

[44:08] we could do another ten minutes of that

[44:11] we're over here talking about one thing and dan's over there talking about

[44:14] made up words

[44:16] we got no webster over here

[44:19] uh... get in a review

[44:21] before on itunes before august the first

[44:24] uh... on or before august the first and you are automatically entered to win

[44:28] it will be randomly selected from those who do review us on itunes

[44:32] and the prize oh my god the prize so great a great prize

[44:37] you get to write in

[44:38] and tell us

[44:39] what movie

[44:40] you want us to talk about on episode of the flop house

[44:43] and it does not have to be a new movie any movie no rules so long as it is

[44:47] readily available on netflix we can we can put our

[44:51] our hot little hands on it we can't we will do it if you mention

[44:54] no rules the lost mernow film four devils we can't do it

[44:58] doesn't exist anymore if you mentioned uh...

[45:01] the uh... never made marx brothers film a day at the u n we can't do it

[45:07] because it was not done

[45:08] uh... the day the crap clown cried can't do the day the clown cried none of the

[45:12] famous lost or unmade films

[45:15] any film that is available on netflix that we will talk about you can't do any home movies you

[45:19] made yourself

[45:20] uh... unless you send them to us

[45:22] and do we have any copies of stall left that we can

[45:25] we can yeah we'll sweeten the deal with a copy of stall with our uh... john

[45:29] hancock our flop house uh... commentary on it

[45:33] and so get those reviews in friends

[45:37] won't you

[45:38] so now comes to the time when we recommend a movie

[45:42] sure you might like to watch instead of from paris with love

[45:45] stewart you look like you've got one

[45:47] queued up

[45:48] so guys a couple days ago i watched a movie called the human centipede

[45:52] what's the deal there man the human centipede first sequence yeah thank you

[45:56] what's the deal there i mean uh... so it's a movie about a bunch of people who get

[46:00] sewed together is this a recommendation or are you

[46:02] trying out your type five minutes on the human centipede before tomorrow's

[46:06] open mic night

[46:07] yeah so uh... because uh... you heard about this anybody heard about this

[46:11] human centipede yes stewart

[46:12] that was your kevin eubanks

[46:15] so uh... yeah watch this movie uh...

[46:18] to be honest i was a little disappointed guys

[46:22] to be honest i would like to be a human centipede

[46:24] well i mean

[46:26] this is your recommendation we were talking about the human centipede and i would say

[46:29] that if we were made into one of those

[46:32] i think danny b probably in the middle of it would be the worst place to be

[46:35] we can all agree dan is in the middle and he would not want to be in the middle

[46:38] he's what holds the centipede together that is the terrible

[46:41] that's true just like in the podcast just like in the podcast he is the unsung hero

[46:45] i would argue that i would make a good front that is like me girdling the turtle and having all the turtles stacked on top of you

[46:50] that is the worst i think i'd make a good front i think i'd make the best front

[46:55] uh... because i could best articulate the needs of the centipede

[46:59] the thing is you're the spokesperson

[47:02] i'd like to be the public face of the centipede i would argue against it because

[47:06] ellie you have a diet that's based primarily around chicken fried chicken

[47:11] not just fried chicken roasted also grilled

[47:15] so you're arguing for someone with a more healthy balanced diet

[47:18] yes so that we'll get enough nutrition

[47:22] that's what i'm arguing and i eat better i would also put on the table

[47:26] i'd be willing to get some kind of a bazooka joe style comic strip tattooed on my lower back

[47:31] i mean in addition to the one i already have

[47:33] so the person behind you would have something to read

[47:36] yeah i think that's fair and where does that put me stuck in the back eating two people's worth of poop

[47:40] i don't want to do that

[47:42] well that's two people

[47:44] that's like

[47:45] so it turns back into food the second time i don't think so

[47:49] i think it is it's like a double negative

[47:51] two poops make one good meal i don't think so

[47:54] i wouldn't listen again i don't want to be in the middle i want to be able to kick my legs around

[47:58] or talk i mean the movie is kicking their legs around people's tendons are being severed

[48:03] yeah you can't you can't the movie says you can't kick your legs

[48:06] oh well then why

[48:07] it's not even really the whole thing about a centipede is the number of legs

[48:10] so yeah there's

[48:12] so watching this movie you know i am going to give i'm going to give the movie a little bit of credit

[48:16] uh... the the the

[48:18] the mad scientist guy pretty awesome

[48:20] uh... he he's totally over the top

[48:23] uh... but it wasn't nearly as gory as horrible or as horrible as i kind of expected

[48:28] uh... flassy human centipede

[48:30] i don't know i'm used to seeing like stewart gordon movies where every movie

[48:34] makes me want to throw up at least once so i was a little disappointed that i didn't want to barf

[48:38] but human centipede recommendation

[48:40] yeah i just want to talk about human centipede for a while

[48:42] this is my fucking podcast dude i'm not getting paid for this shit

[48:46] i mean you own a third share of the podcast

[48:48] well i mean i had my little part

[48:51] i'll buy you out and i can talk twice as much

[48:53] i think you already do that a little

[48:56] zing

[48:57] uh... i'm going to recommend

[48:58] flophouse roast of the flophouse

[49:01] i'll recommend the documentary uh... joe strummer the future is unwritten

[49:06] uh...

[49:07] i'm a fan of the the rock band the clash

[49:11] and uh... thus i was interested in a documentary about joe strummer

[49:15] and joe strummer just seemed like

[49:17] you know like uh...

[49:18] joe strummer has like

[49:20] not a great singing voice but one of the like warmest most lovable singing voices in rock

[49:25] uh... he's got it very distinctive it's not this it's not

[49:28] a technically good singing voice but it is a it's extremely expressive yeah and it's

[49:32] expressive and charismatic

[49:33] yeah and even when even when he's being like super aggressive there's like this

[49:37] like

[49:38] like this this is just like a warmth to it and uh...

[49:41] and i think that the film bears that out he seems like a very he seemed

[49:45] you know since he's passed on now but he seemed like a lovable guy i mean like

[49:49] multiple asshole-ish things in his life uh... but i don't think that any big

[49:54] rock star

[49:55] could become a big rock star without having some of that in them but uh...

[50:00] man named Bruce Springsteen, perhaps?

[50:02] Sure.

[50:03] St. Bruce.

[50:03] Who I hear is nice as pudding pie.

[50:07] All right.

[50:08] But it was a good one.

[50:09] What about King Diamond from Merciful Fate?

[50:12] He's got a pretty voice.

[50:14] OK.

[50:15] I don't know who that is.

[50:16] Kirk Hammett always seems like kind of a nice guy.

[50:19] You're both successfully derailing my recommendation.

[50:21] But it's a good documentary.

[50:24] It's done in a style where it weaves

[50:27] in a lot of archival footage with new interviews,

[50:31] but also with just stock footage from various things

[50:36] from the time, like movies that are unrelated.

[50:39] It has little animations based on Joe Strummer's sketches

[50:44] that he did.

[50:45] And it's sort of a kaleidoscopic style,

[50:47] but it doesn't overwhelm things.

[50:48] It doesn't feel like style for its own sake.

[50:50] It just seems very entertaining.

[50:51] So that's my recommendation.

[50:53] I haven't used kaleidoscopic in a review lately.

[50:56] Well, I did, but I was reviewing a kaleidoscope.

[50:59] It's a very unadvised—

[51:01] I mean, that's appropriate, I would guess.

[51:02] For Multicolor Monthly.

[51:03] Yeah.

[51:04] It's actually not a good kaleidoscope either.

[51:06] It was a negative review.

[51:08] OK.

[51:11] Fair enough.

[51:12] Fails to be more than merely kaleidoscopic.

[51:14] Well, in that usage, it's acceptable.

[51:17] Yeah.

[51:18] Thank you.

[51:20] I would like to recommend a low-budget horror comedy film

[51:26] from the 60s called Spider Baby,

[51:29] which I don't know if you guys have seen.

[51:30] Oh, it's great.

[51:31] I just saw it for the first time this past week.

[51:34] It's very fun.

[51:36] There's a family called the Merry Family

[51:39] that has a strange syndrome where after a certain point,

[51:44] their mental development goes backwards

[51:47] and they become like kids and then zombies.

[51:49] Basically, it just drives them crazy.

[51:50] It's just an excuse for people to be crazy.

[51:53] This family is basically taken care of

[51:56] by the chauffeur Lon Chaney Sr.

[51:59] in maybe his best performance.

[52:01] I've never been a big fan of...

[52:02] I'm sorry, Lon Chaney Jr.

[52:03] I've never been a big fan of Lon Chaney Jr.

[52:05] He's best known as the Wolf Man.

[52:07] But in this, he's really good

[52:10] and kind of touching a lot of the time

[52:13] where you feel like he really cares about this family

[52:15] but he doesn't want anything to happen to it

[52:17] but he knows they're crazy and they kill people.

[52:19] There's two daughters, one of whom thinks she's a spider

[52:22] and is obsessed with spiders.

[52:23] There's cannibals in the basement.

[52:25] There's Sid Haig as the brother who's bald

[52:28] and can't really talk and is kind of an evil weirdo.

[52:33] But like an innocent.

[52:35] Basically, the family's last surviving cousins

[52:39] come by to, I guess, lay claim to the kids.

[52:43] It's just one of those things where it's a very bare legal pretext

[52:46] for these normal characters to wander into this crazy house.

[52:49] But it's a lot of fun.

[52:52] There's some good spooky moments.

[52:54] It's like pre-camp camp.

[52:58] It's not too over-the-top campy

[53:01] but it's very tongue-in-cheek.

[53:03] I feel like there was this period in horror movies

[53:05] where things were allowed to be very silly and loose and strange.

[53:10] It feels like a movie that's almost like

[53:13] if the monsters were allowed to kill people on the monsters.

[53:16] If the monsters were a goofy sitcom

[53:18] about vampires and Frankenstein's monsters

[53:22] that actually murdered people but were still like a goofy family.

[53:24] That's what it's kind of like.

[53:26] But it was a lot of fun.

[53:28] And Lon Chaney, Jr. sings the opening theme song

[53:30] which is adorable.

[53:34] I am planning a pitch now for the monsters that actually kill people.

[53:39] For the title of the show.

[53:41] The monsters that actually kill people.

[53:43] I have no interest in writing a monsters movie.

[53:46] But if I was approached and they said,

[53:48] we want to write a monsters movie.

[53:51] And they actually kill people because they're monsters.

[53:53] I would say, yes. Sign me up.

[53:55] But they're still a family.

[53:57] They still have a son who goes to school.

[53:59] They still go to PTA meetings and make jokes.

[54:01] You should get the guy who plays the guy in that show.

[54:04] Everybody loves Raymond to be the Frankenstein.

[54:08] Oh, Brad Garrett?

[54:10] Yeah, get that guy.

[54:12] He'd be great in the Fred Gwynn part.

[54:14] I think we've made our first million tonight.

[54:17] And we call it Monsters 3D.

[54:19] Done. I like it.

[54:21] But it'd be in real 3D, right?

[54:23] Yeah, of course.

[54:25] We wouldn't up-convert.

[54:27] Yeah, it's not going to shoot in 2D and then be 3D.

[54:29] Maybe even IMAX.

[54:31] Ideally.

[54:33] We'll sign on the dotted line.

[54:35] If ever there was a movie with it, 3D is completely unnecessary.

[54:37] It would be the monsters movie.

[54:41] Frankensteins would be all Frankenstein-ing at you in 3D.

[54:45] Frankenstein-ing at you.

[54:48] And the grandpa wouldn't be Grandpa Monster.

[54:52] He'd be the real-life Grandpa Al Lewis,

[54:54] the socialist, anarchist, politician,

[54:56] who also happened to be an actor.

[55:00] You lost me in your referencing, but that's okay.

[55:04] He's the star of the monsters.

[55:07] I didn't really pay attention.

[55:09] He's the star of the monsters and South Beach Academy.

[55:13] Starring Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.

[55:15] All right!

[55:18] Grandpa Lewis is also in that In Between the Boobs.

[55:22] So guys, from Paris with Love, this has been our audio postcard.

[55:28] Yeah, from Brooklyn with Love, to you, the listeners.

[55:32] I've been Dan McCoy.

[55:34] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[55:36] I'm creeped-out Ellie Kaelin.

[55:38] Goodnight, everyone.

[55:40] Goodnight.

[55:48] What'd you do?

[55:50] Did you whittle this?

[55:52] You whittled this table out of a what?

[55:54] You carpentered this?

[55:56] You carpented it?

[55:58] You woodworked it?

[56:00] Let me put my thing on vibrate instead of make noise.

[56:04] That's the new setting.

The Flop House: Episode #63 - From Paris With Love

Transcript

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