The Flop House: Episode #63 - From Paris With Love

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss From Paris with Love, starring everyone's favorite action star,

[0:07] bloated John Travolta.

Stuart Wellington

[0:08] What did you do? Did you whittle this?

[0:11] You whittled this table out of a what?

[0:13] You carpenter this?

[0:15] You carpented it?

Elliott Kalan

[0:16] I carpented it.

[0:17] You woodworked it?

[0:18] Mm-hmm.

[0:19] You worked the wood?

Stuart Wellington

[0:19] Let me put my thing on vibrate instead of make noise.

[0:23] This is the two-setting.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:37] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] And over here, Elliot Kalin.

[0:42] You can't see it, but we're all on three different sides of a table.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] Mm-hmm.

[0:46] Well, we're in different corners of a room.

Stuart Wellington

[0:48] How are my levels?

[0:50] We didn't check my levels before this one.

[0:51] I did check.

[0:52] What about my levels?

[0:52] Oh, but it was pretty good.

[0:53] Are my levels okay?

[0:53] Was that when I was telling my story earlier?

Dan McCoy

[0:55] Yeah, it was when you were telling your story.

[0:57] It was a good story.

[0:58] The problem is if I tell you that levels were being checked, you just yell check into the microphone.

[1:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03] Well, I mean, my story was great because it had a beginning, middle, and end.

[1:06] Oh, yeah.

[1:07] Highs and lows, peaks and valleys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08] It followed the Aristotelian...

[1:10] Unities.

[1:11] Unities.

[1:11] Thank you.

[1:11] I couldn't remember the word.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12] Similar to a movie I watched.

[1:14] Not at all like a movie.

[1:16] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:17] No.

[1:17] You're wrong on that.

[1:19] We watched a little film.

[1:20] Very little.

[1:22] I didn't watch very much of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24] From Paris with Love.

[1:26] Now, this sounds like a charming romantic comedy with maybe Catherine Heigl.

[1:30] Or a...

[1:30] Is that how you pronounce her name?

[1:31] I don't know.

[1:32] Postcard you might receive.

[1:33] Or a Heichel.

[1:34] Okay.

[1:34] Yeah.

[1:35] Or a postcard.

[1:36] Or maybe it's a musical with Audrey Hepburn.

[1:39] Or one of those parody films.

[1:40] Song by Frank Lesser.

Dan McCoy

[1:42] Wait, not Frank Lesser.

[1:43] That's my friend.

[1:44] George Gershwin.

[1:45] Lesser.

[1:45] Who's the Lesser guy?

[1:47] The Lesser of who?

[1:49] Which guys?

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] There was a...

[1:50] This is a hilarious routine.

[1:52] Lesser the composer.

[1:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:55] His name was also Frank Lesser.

[1:56] Lerner and Lowe.

[1:57] Let's say that instead.

[1:58] That one was in Rogers and Hart.

[2:00] Rogers and Hammerstein.

[2:00] Rogers and Hart.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01] I think his name could have also been used in a...

[2:03] Jerome Kern.

[2:04] ...James Bond parody film.

[2:07] Yeah.

[2:07] James Bond parody film.

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:09] I like the epic movie franchise guys.

[2:10] It's not really much of a parody.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] They're just switching out Russia and Paris.

[2:14] Yeah.

[2:14] Paris is funnier than Russia.

Stuart Wellington

[2:16] Yeah, but they're pretty weak when it comes to the parodies in those movies.

[2:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:21] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[2:23] In just my blanket parody movie put down I just made.

Dan McCoy

[2:26] Yeah.

[2:27] Yes.

[2:28] So that was a dead end.

[2:29] And let's move on.

[2:30] Ouch.

[2:31] Paris with Love.

[2:33] Starring...

[2:33] Who was in it?

[2:35] Jonathan Rhys-Myers and John Travolta.

[2:39] And Jonathan Rhys-Travolta.

[2:40] Oh, yeah.

[2:40] They're both named John.

Elliott Kalan

[2:42] That must have created hilarious complications on the set.

[2:46] Oh, can you get John on the set?

[2:47] Not that John.

[2:48] The other John.

Dan McCoy

[2:50] Except for the fact that they're pretty much in every scene together.

[2:53] That's true.

[2:53] They would all be needed on the set at the same time.

Elliott Kalan

[2:55] On the set, they knew them as Bad Mustache John and Doughy Bald John.

Stuart Wellington

[2:59] I think that's probably why they didn't just have John Travolta doing a dual role in this movie.

[3:04] Because the CGI cost would have been extremely prohibitive.

Elliott Kalan

[3:09] I think a screen can carry that amount of weight to have two John Travolta's on screen.

Dan McCoy

[3:14] You mean like weight of character, right?

[3:16] I mean weight of human body.

[3:17] You think that the computer would shatter beneath it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Yes.

[3:22] All right.

[3:22] Only after screaming, why?

Dan McCoy

[3:26] I only wanted to be human.

[3:29] To feel your human emotion of love.

[3:32] From Paris.

Stuart Wellington

[3:33] Is that a short circuit joke, guys?

[3:38] No, just a general computer joke.

[3:40] Based on the Pinocchio complex that most computers seem to...

Elliott Kalan

[3:44] Oh, the Pinocchio complex?

[3:46] I think I took some classes.

[3:47] Isn't Ashen Kutcher in that?

[3:49] The Pinocchio complex.

[3:53] The Geppetto overdrive.

[3:55] So this is a...

[3:57] This is a...

[3:58] The Cinderella Protocol.

Dan McCoy

[4:02] I love these fairytale spy movies.

[4:05] This is a French-produced action film.

[4:07] Yes.

[4:08] The Matilda Connection.

Stuart Wellington

[4:10] Which is why Paris...

[4:10] Which those words get audiences running to the multiplex.

Dan McCoy

[4:15] Well, I mean, in my case, I told you guys beforehand that I kind of...

[4:19] You were hoping to like this a little.

[4:20] I was hoping to like this movie because a lot of Luc Besson-produced action films...

[4:25] Like Taxi?

[4:27] Sure.

[4:28] Are good for some...

[4:30] Fifth element.

[4:30] Some stupid jolts.

[4:31] Yeah.

[4:32] Some fun elements.

[4:34] Well, this director...

[4:35] The Messenger?

Elliott Kalan

[4:36] That was a Luc Besson movie, wasn't it?

Dan McCoy

[4:37] Yeah, it was.

[4:38] The director, Pierre Morel, who...

[4:40] Oh, The Mushroom.

[4:42] Inventor of the Mushroom that bears his name.

[4:43] Yep.

[4:44] The guy who directed this film also directed District B-13 and Taken.

[4:49] Two solid B-action films.

[4:53] Solid, yeah.

[4:54] B-action.

[4:55] Yeah.

[4:55] Just a lot of fun, guys.

[4:57] Just, you know...

[4:58] Just a lot of fun.

[4:59] So going into...

[5:00] And the Transporters, right?

Stuart Wellington

[5:01] Those were Luc Besson-produced.

Dan McCoy

[5:02] Yep.

[5:03] Those were great.

[5:04] Yeah, not this director, but the director worked on...

[5:07] I mean, he probably hung out.

Elliott Kalan

[5:08] Luc Besson is a pretty heavy producer hand.

[5:11] Although he actually...

[5:11] Or maybe not.

[5:12] It seems lazy because it's like Luc Besson

[5:14] comes up with a story idea,

[5:16] has someone else write it,

[5:17] has someone else direct it,

[5:18] then puts his name on it.

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:21] He's like the Judd Apatow of action movies.

[5:23] Oh, man.

[5:24] You hate Judd Apatow.

[5:25] But if you're gonna watch...

[5:25] I don't hate him.

[5:26] I hate his work.

[5:27] You hate him.

Dan McCoy

[5:28] But if you're gonna watch like a stupid action film,

[5:30] like a stupid action film that it seems like a middle school kid came up with,

[5:35] I would rather watch...

[5:36] Some of the other movies.

[5:36] Some of the movies.

Dan McCoy

[5:36] Some of the movies.

[5:37] Yeah, I'd rather watch a Luc Besson one than like Legion.

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] Because of all the French extras and shot on location in France.

[5:45] Yeah.

[5:46] French.

Dan McCoy

[5:46] Very French.

[5:47] You know, women walking around in lingerie shooting...

[5:51] Potentially underage.

[5:52] Yeah.

[5:54] Well, there wasn't a lot of that.

Elliott Kalan

[5:56] I was talking to Stuart before the movie,

[5:58] before the recording after the movie,

[6:00] and we're saying that there are three real female characters in this movie.

[6:04] Two of them end up shot in the head,

[6:06] and one of them is a prostitute.

[6:08] That sums up the movie in a lot of ways, I feel like.

Stuart Wellington

[6:12] What kind of message do you think does that send the female viewers of...

[6:15] I think the message it sends is...

[6:17] From Paris with Love.

[6:18] We hate you.

[6:18] Okay, nice.

[6:19] Why are you watching this?

[6:20] Well, I think...

[6:21] I mean, John Travolta probably has no interest in them.

Dan McCoy

[6:24] Yeah, well, I mean, it's clear...

[6:25] It's clear by the end of the film that the love story is between Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and John Travolta.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] And what is the story?

[6:31] Should we get into the plot of the movie?

Dan McCoy

[6:33] Oh, if you can...

[6:33] If you can explain the plot of this film, I will give you a Coke.

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] I'll try my best, and I do love Coca-Cola.

[6:40] It's a fine product made by a fine company, an all-American drink, great taste, gives you energy.

[6:47] Oh, sure.

[6:47] Good for you.

[6:48] Comes in an attractive red can, beautiful logo.

[6:51] Anyway...

[6:51] And so that was the plot to Coca-Cola.

[6:54] I've explained what Coca-Cola's about, right?

[6:56] Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is the aide to the American ambassador to France.

[7:01] And Jonathan Rhys-Meyers has a very unbelievable American accent.

[7:04] He lives with a French girl named...

[7:06] What is it?

[7:07] Caroline.

[7:08] Clementine?

[7:08] Caroline?

[7:09] Caroline.

[7:11] And they have a storybook romance, but he doesn't want to be a low-level bureaucrat in an embassy.

[7:16] He wants to be a secret agent.

[7:18] And what does she do?

[7:20] She makes her own clothes.

[7:21] Okay, that's a believable profession.

[7:24] He gets the opportunity through a mysterious voice on his cell phone who we never find out who the voice is or where it's coming from.

[7:31] I think it was just supposed to be his boss.

[7:33] It's just like mission command.

[7:34] But it's not his ambassador boss.

[7:36] Because his boss, the ambassador, never has any idea what the fuck he's doing or why he's not around.

[7:40] But he gets told there's an American agent coming into town.

[7:44] You're his partner now.

[7:45] You've got to drive him around.

[7:45] His name's Wax.

[7:47] And this is John Travolta.

[7:49] Bald, goatee, earring in one ear.

[7:52] Flamboyant scarf.

[7:53] Leather jacket.

[7:54] Pudgy.

[7:54] Very pudgy.

[7:56] And he is a...

[7:57] Flooded one might say.

[7:57] But still really charming, right?

Stuart Wellington

[7:59] Yeah.

[8:00] Incredibly charming.

[8:00] He is...

[8:01] But dangerous in like a bad boy way.

Elliott Kalan

[8:03] An unlikable, unstoppable killing machine.

[8:07] And he lies to Jonathan Ruse-Meyers throughout the course of the film.

[8:10] Kills people basically on a whim all the time.

[8:14] It looks like they're going to stop a Chinese drug dealing gang.

[8:17] Then it turns out they're actually after terrorists.

[8:21] There's a lot of running around and shooting people with things.

[8:24] John Travolta says a lot of irritating stuff.

[8:26] Jonathan Ruse-Meyer is the straight man of the group.

[8:30] So it's a lot of like...

[8:31] You made quotation marks in two senses.

Stuart Wellington

[8:33] Yeah.

[8:34] Are you bashing homosexuals again, Dan?

[8:38] I'm not bashing them.

Dan McCoy

[8:39] I'm referencing the same rumor about John Travolta that you yourself had referenced earlier in the podcast.

[8:44] Okay, fine.

[8:45] You got me.

Elliott Kalan

[8:45] But it's a lot of like, come on, baby.

[8:48] We've got to shoot down these guys.

[8:49] Let's do this.

[8:50] Da-da-da.

[8:50] That's what I'm talking about.

[8:51] And then Jonathan Ruse-Meyer says, what we're doing is...

[8:54] This is crazy.

[8:55] Explain to me, sir.

[8:57] What is going on here?

[8:58] My fiancé is waiting for us.

[9:01] You know, and they fight a lot.

[9:03] It turns out...

[9:04] Spoiler.

[9:05] I'm skipping ahead a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[9:06] But I do like how John Travolta makes...

[9:09] Is constantly trying to make Jonathan Ruse-Meyer feel bad about having a fiancé.

[9:14] Yes.

[9:14] And like, oh man, this girl's just going to mess you up and everything before she gets shot in the head.

Elliott Kalan

[9:20] Well, later on she gets shot.

[9:21] They just leave a trail of bodies and explosions in their wake, including at least three or four innocent French policemen who are blown up when they open a booby trap door.

Dan McCoy

[9:32] And let me just say, like, it is not clear from the beginning what John Travolta's mission is supposed to be.

[9:37] Yeah.

[9:38] It seems to do with shooting a bunch of Asian people at the beginning and finding cocaine.

Elliott Kalan

[9:43] And carrying around a vase full of cocaine.

[9:45] Yeah, and somehow cocaine leads to terrorism.

[9:47] But there's one...

[9:48] And the scene...

[9:48] They kind of...

[9:49] Just like how in North by Northwest, the scene where the plot is explained to Cary Grant, there's a lot of airplane noise, so you don't hear it.

[9:56] Here, John Travolta makes Jonathan Ruse-Meyer do some coke, and then he explains the plot to him, which, of course, through Jonathan Ruse-Meyer's...

[10:04] It's...

[10:05] The movie brilliantly filters Arthur perception through his, and what John Travolta's saying is almost incomprehensible.

[10:11] You hear the words terrorist, bomb, something else.

Stuart Wellington

[10:15] Yeah, like, there's, like, multiple John Travolta's on the screen, and his voice goes all weird, and I was expecting it to cut to a shot of Jonathan Ruse-Meyer going cross-eyed and, like, sticking his tongue out.

[10:25] You know, like, when Elliot does cocaine.

Elliott Kalan

[10:28] Yeah, that's exactly what happens.

[10:30] I turn into a Tex Avery character.

Dan McCoy

[10:33] Ironically, the speed at which he talks decreases when he does cocaine.

[10:37] It's ironic.

[10:37] Shut up.

[10:38] Why, I oughta.

Elliott Kalan

[10:40] But I was shaking my fist.

[10:42] So they take a break to go have dinner at Jonathan Ruse-Meyer's apartment.

[10:46] They're laughing it up.

[10:47] John Travolta is really charming the pants, probably in the future, off of, what's your name?

[10:53] And Caroline's friend, who's, uh...

[10:57] Vaguely Middle Eastern.

[10:58] Vaguely Pakistani or Middle Eastern or something.

[11:00] Looks like a terrorist, right?

[11:02] And then she gets a phone call.

[11:03] She's filled with terrorism.

[11:04] She gets a phone call and says, oh, someone calling for Rose?

[11:07] There's no one here by that name.

[11:08] John Travolta takes out a gun, shoots her in the head.

[11:11] It turns out that was a code word for a terrorist.

[11:13] The girlfriend...

Dan McCoy

[11:14] Which she made sure to say out loud.

[11:17] For who knows why.

Elliott Kalan

[11:18] The girlfriend is also a terrorist.

[11:20] The whole apartment is bugged.

[11:22] She runs away.

[11:23] There's a daring rooftop chase, which ends with John Travolta, I assume, having a heart attack

[11:28] when the cameras stop rolling.

Dan McCoy

[11:30] Sweating, baking grease pouring from his face.

Stuart Wellington

[11:32] I feel bad for the poor stuntman who had to strap on a fat suit to do that fucking chase.

Elliott Kalan

[11:39] The stuntman was in the makeup chair for six hours.

[11:42] It was like one of the fucking clumps or something.

[11:46] It turns out the girlfriend has...

[11:49] This is a six-year plan to kill some sort of American diplomat at a conference of African nations

[11:55] at the American embassy in Paris.

[11:57] They've got to stop this person.

[11:58] They follow a decoy car.

[12:00] Then it turns out that's the real car.

[12:02] They blow it up with a rocket launcher.

[12:04] They go to the embassy.

[12:05] Jonathan Rizmiers, the whole movie, has been very reluctant to shoot anyone.

[12:09] And when he gets there, he's forced...

Stuart Wellington

[12:11] Why would he be reluctant to shoot people, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[12:14] He's a human being.

Stuart Wellington

[12:15] John Travolta seems to do it willy-nilly.

Elliott Kalan

[12:17] When John Travolta kills...

[12:19] It's one of those things where he doesn't even have a license to kill.

[12:21] He has a license to slaughter or to massacre.

Dan McCoy

[12:23] You have to realize that Jonathan Travolta...

[12:26] Jonathan Travolta...

[12:27] So formal.

[12:30] Jonathan Seymour Travolta, you're in trouble.

[12:32] John Travolta eats everything that he kills, so he doesn't waste anything.

[12:37] That's why it's okay for him to do it.

[12:38] That's why he's so overweight.

Stuart Wellington

[12:40] He's also...

[12:41] He kind of like just...

[12:43] There's like that gunfight in the mannequin factory, which is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

[12:49] There's so many scenes that sound exciting, like the gunfight in the mannequin factory.

[12:53] It sounds like a good title for a short story.

[12:55] The gunfight in the mannequin factory.

[12:56] The gunfight in the Chinese restaurant.

[12:58] And he's just kind of flailing about firing his guns, and obviously every single bullet finds their target.

[13:04] Yeah.

[13:04] Of bad guys that have very little sense of self-preservation by choking out firing their Uzis into the air while getting shot.

Elliott Kalan

[13:12] Yeah.

[13:12] A lot of Uzis.

[13:13] The Uzis are a real throwback to like action movies from 1988.

Stuart Wellington

[13:16] Like I thought for a second they just took like extra footage from Last Boy Scout and spliced it in.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] Oh, but okay, so they're at the embassy.

[13:24] Jonathan Rees-Meyer's girlfriend is there.

[13:26] She's got a bomb strapped to her chest.

[13:28] He tries to talk her down, but it...

[13:31] He tries to talk her down, but it doesn't work.

[13:34] And he shoots her in the head.

[13:35] And everything's okay.

[13:37] And John Travolta and Jonathan Rees-Meyer are now secret agents.

[13:40] And they play a game of chess together.

[13:41] It's fucking Miller time, right?

Stuart Wellington

[13:42] They go and play a game of chess while sitting on the tarmac.

[13:44] With a hamburger, right?

[13:45] Yeah, Royale with Cheese, which is a reference to Pulp Fiction, a movie that Jonathan Travolta

[13:53] was actually good in.

Dan McCoy

[13:54] Yeah.

[13:55] Mm-hmm.

[13:56] A movie...

[13:57] It's just the movie's reminding you, if you're angry and sad after watching this movie, you

[14:01] can always go home and watch Pulp Fiction.

Stuart Wellington

[14:03] Or, you know, Phenomenon, or any of those movies.

[14:05] Any of those movies.

Dan McCoy

[14:06] Fucking shits.

[14:07] Lucky Numbers, or...

Stuart Wellington

[14:09] Michael.

[14:10] Michael.

[14:11] Sure, Broken Arrow.

Elliott Kalan

[14:13] Broken Arrow.

[14:15] Hairspray.

[14:16] Sure.

[14:17] Primary colors.

[14:18] Oh, he's been a lot of junk.

[14:20] Yeah.

[14:22] So...

[14:23] So this is a meaningless, incomprehensible insult to the world.

Dan McCoy

[14:28] Yeah, one of my favorite just incomprehensible bits is during the climax when, you know,

[14:35] John Travolta is chasing after the Middle Eastern-looking fellow in a car with a rocket launcher.

Elliott Kalan

[14:44] It's a car chase.

[14:45] John Travolta has a rocket launcher with him.

Dan McCoy

[14:47] Yeah, and he thinks that Caroline is also in the car because Caroline has placed a mannequin

[14:54] with a burka in the car with the guy as a decoy.

Elliott Kalan

[14:58] I'll tell you, that mannequin was really on the move.

[15:00] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[15:02] Yeah, I thought they were racing around looking for a magical necklace to bring that shit to

[15:05] life.

Dan McCoy

[15:07] And Jonathan Rhys-Myers is like, there's something wrong with this.

[15:10] And he calls up John Travolta once he realizes that this is a decoy.

[15:14] And John Travolta has a conversation with Jonathan Rhys-Myers on a cell phone while outside

[15:18] of a car whizzing at, you know, like, one has to believe, like, 70 miles an hour at least.

Stuart Wellington

[15:23] Some amount of kilometers.

[15:24] I don't know what they use.

Dan McCoy

[15:25] Probably like a million kilometers.

[15:27] And he's like, no, no, no, no.

[15:28] They're not trying to attack the diplomat or whoever the fuck they're after.

[15:31] The car is a decoy.

Elliott Kalan

[15:32] She's not in the car.

[15:33] Don't blow it up.

[15:34] Yeah.

[15:35] And then-

Stuart Wellington

[15:35] That accent is more believable than his accent, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[15:38] Well, because I'm an American.

Elliott Kalan

[15:38] Yeah.

[15:39] That makes sense, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[15:40] Like, this is the voice I normally talk with.

[15:42] Yeah.

[15:42] They're like, Caroline's gonna sneak into the embassy.

[15:45] They're gonna do it there.

[15:46] And Jonathan Rhys-Myers is like, oh, shit, you're right.

[15:48] That is a decoy.

[15:49] And then, all of a sudden, like, minutes later, the car that Jonathan Rhys-Myers is following

[15:54] pulls out its own, like, rockets that it's gonna shoot at a car.

[15:58] And Jonathan Rhys-Myers is like, oh, I gotta blow this car up anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[16:01] Like, it's-

[16:01] And it's just like, why have that switcheroo in there?

Elliott Kalan

[16:05] They give you the brilliant twist that this car is a decoy.

[16:09] And then it's like they were like, ah, it's kind of better if the car is a bomb that he's

[16:15] gonna drive into the motorcade.

[16:16] It's a real letdown if it's a decoy.

[16:17] We'll just make it that way, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:19] That scene will just fizzle at the end.

[16:21] I mean, but let's not forget.

Stuart Wellington

[16:22] But the only reason why they had the mannequin in the car then is so that if John Travolta

[16:28] saw it, he would realize, wait a minute, there is definitely a decoy.

[16:33] Because they made an effort to put this mannequin to make you think she's in the car.

Elliott Kalan

[16:37] Here's why I think he had the mannequin.

[16:38] Because the motorcade was gonna be in the carpool lane.

[16:41] He's never gonna be able to drive by himself into that carpool lane.

Stuart Wellington

[16:44] No, the times I've been driving through Staten Island, people really don't pay that close

[16:48] attention to those rules.

[16:49] This is Paris.

Elliott Kalan

[16:49] It's totally different.

[16:50] Oh, yeah.

[16:50] They're pretty strict about the HOV lane.

[16:52] Oh, yeah.

[16:52] Well, you saw how strict they were about John Travolta bringing soda into the country.

Stuart Wellington

[16:56] Well, it wasn't technically soda.

[16:57] It was an energy drink.

Elliott Kalan

[16:59] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[17:00] Oh, man.

[17:01] The brilliant scene where we got to know John Travolta.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] We're introduced to John Travolta.

[17:04] He's held up at customs because he has cans of an energy drink with him that the French

[17:09] won't let him bring in for who knows what reason.

[17:12] And he yells...

[17:12] The French don't like energy.

[17:13] They are very lackadaisical people.

[17:16] Yeah.

[17:16] But he...

[17:17] And he is arguing with them and he's a big asshole.

[17:20] And he's supposed to come off, I guess, as like...

[17:22] Says what he feels, you know, no-nonsense, American, you know, tough guy.

[17:27] But he just comes off as a jerk.

[17:29] And then it turns out that the cans all have gun parts in them, you know, that he assembles.

Dan McCoy

[17:34] Because he has to sneak his own gun in.

[17:36] Because John Travolta loves his own gun.

Elliott Kalan

[17:39] Even though he uses a hundred different guns in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[17:42] I mean, he is...

[17:43] I wouldn't say a mass murderer, but he's killed many, many people.

[17:47] Yeah.

[17:48] He probably has some kind of psychosis that's based around his instrument of killing.

[17:51] Yeah, it's really ritualized at this point.

[17:53] Well, that's the thing.

[17:54] It's like if it was a knife made out of blue glass, like in...

Elliott Kalan

[17:57] In I Know Who Killed Me?

[17:58] Yeah.

[17:58] Well, you don't see the parts...

[18:00] They cut out the scenes where, after each of the kills, he goes back later and masturbates

[18:03] at the scene of the crime.

[18:05] Oh, man.

[18:05] Sure.

[18:06] Because he has a psychosexual connection to the murders.

Stuart Wellington

[18:08] Why do you think they cut that out of the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[18:10] Because it doubled the length of the movie.

[18:12] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[18:14] It would have made this a three-hour film.

[18:15] Well, because after a while, I mean, he's turned on, but it's still like, oh, this is

[18:19] kind of hard work to get this out.

Dan McCoy

[18:21] Also, the studio notes thought that made him a little too unlikable.

[18:25] They cut that.

[18:26] That's kind of strange.

[18:27] I don't know why.

[18:28] That custom scene angered me at the time, but now thinking of it in retrospect, it angers

[18:33] me all the more.

[18:33] Is it because of your part-time job as a customs agent?

Elliott Kalan

[18:36] It's so hard, and people don't realize, I'm not trying to be a jerk.

[18:39] It's just my job, guys.

[18:41] It rules.

[18:41] In this economy, I can't get anything better.

Stuart Wellington

[18:44] It's for safety.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] Yeah.

[18:45] This is a movie that thinks it is like...

[18:48] Dan, you were saying, it thinks it's like a more amped-up action version of the in-laws.

[18:53] Like a mismatched buddy comedy action movie, but that's a little harder-edged.

[18:59] But instead, it's just like unlikable people doing stupid things.

Dan McCoy

[19:02] And an action-moving version of the in-laws wouldn't be bad if they had charismatic actors.

[19:07] I mean, people as charismatic as Peter Falk and Alan Arkin, but like action stars.

[19:13] Like the idea of...

[19:14] Travolta.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] Like Jason Statham and...

[19:17] Well, I think...

[19:17] Chet Lee.

[19:18] And Jet Lee.

Dan McCoy

[19:19] Well, I mean, like this movie...

[19:21] Perfect.

[19:22] Writes itself.

[19:23] This movie Night and Day that's out right now, like that seems like it's shitty from

[19:27] all the reviews.

[19:27] Way to date the podcast.

[19:30] Yeah, people are going to be listening to it from 20 years from now.

[19:33] Like, oh man.

[19:34] That took me out of it.

[19:35] Yeah.

[19:35] I mean, it was up to date with it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:36] We were talking about From Paris with Love.

Dan McCoy

[19:38] No, but like this movie Night and Day is getting...

Stuart Wellington

[19:40] It won't be the 20th anniversary from Paris with Love.

[19:43] That's why they're watching it.

Dan McCoy

[19:44] Uh-huh.

[19:45] They're gathering in Paris.

[19:46] So Night and Day, the Cole Porter story.

[19:49] Like people...

[19:50] Like it's getting terrible reviews, but it seems like that's all the...

[19:52] It seems like that's also trying to do the same thing where like, oh, there's this crazy

[19:57] secret agent and you don't know whether they're crazy or not.

[20:00] Yeah.

[20:00] And like, if this movie had actually played that up a little bit more, it might have been

[20:05] more entertaining.

Stuart Wellington

[20:05] Is that the one where one of the characters' name is Salt?

[20:07] No, no.

[20:08] That's the Angelina Jolie movie.

[20:10] Okay.

[20:10] Because I'm wondering what the fuck this shit's all about.

Elliott Kalan

[20:12] Salt?

[20:13] She's a woman who apparently is a sleeper Russian agent, but she doesn't know it.

Stuart Wellington

[20:17] Why do they name her Salt then?

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] It's based on the book Salt.

[20:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:21] An adaptation of the historical book.

[20:24] Salt.

[20:24] The history of Iraq or whatever.

[20:26] The only rock we eat or whatever it's called.

[20:27] It's a loose adaptation though.

[20:29] Oh, okay.

[20:30] You and I were going for the same joke at the same time.

Elliott Kalan

[20:31] Well, how many fucking jokes are there about the word salt?

[20:34] It's based on the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty.

Dan McCoy

[20:38] Yes, but I still think it's a little esoteric.

[20:41] I don't think that most people would have come on for that joke.

[20:44] Well.

Stuart Wellington

[20:46] So, yeah.

[20:47] We're talking about Jonathan Travolta.

[20:49] We're talking about Monday, guys.

[20:50] I'm your dark mirror, Dan.

[20:51] That's why.

Elliott Kalan

[20:52] That's why we went for the same joke, because I'm your dark mirror.

Dan McCoy

[20:54] Your success is a constant rebuke to me.

Elliott Kalan

[20:59] We're making some good progress tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[21:01] So, Jonathan Travolta.

Elliott Kalan

[21:03] From Paris Conlove.

[21:05] Incredibly likable.

[21:06] Yes.

[21:07] Very unlikable.

[21:08] He is, yeah, he's supposed to be like an outrageous character, but instead he just comes off as a douche.

Dan McCoy

[21:14] Well, and he also, I mean, I'm, you know, this may be an insensitive joke to make, but he, as I said,

[21:20] he looks like Steve Guttenberg at the beginning of Don't Tell Her It's Me,

[21:23] when he's like all bloated from chemotherapy.

[21:25] Like, he doesn't look like an action star.

[21:27] He's like.

Stuart Wellington

[21:27] It's a little offensive.

[21:27] I mean, that character had Hodgkin's disease, Dan, and that affects a lot of people.

Dan McCoy

[21:31] Well, and Don't Tell Her It's Me was a sensitive treatment.

[21:34] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:35] The trials and tribulations.

Elliott Kalan

[21:37] I mean, the animated title sequence where he goes through his cancer treatment is particularly sensitive.

[21:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:43] I found it kind of touching, and it helped me get through some tough times.

[21:46] I'm just saying that John Travolta looks like a Ziggy sort of character in this film.

[21:51] I suppose that's fair.

[21:52] I mean, Wallace Shawn is a Ziggy sort of character.

Dan McCoy

[21:55] I think that's been the standpoint.

Elliott Kalan

[21:56] I don't think I should remind you of that, because Gawker knows.

[21:59] Okay.

[22:00] No, he does not.

[22:02] And they could have played off the fact that he doesn't look like an action star.

[22:05] But instead, they just take it for granted that you think he is a super badass from moment one.

[22:10] And they.

[22:11] He's got all the things that say super badass.

[22:13] He's bald.

[22:14] He looks like a pirate.

[22:15] He's got an earring that looks like a napkin ring hanging out of his ear.

Dan McCoy

[22:18] He's visibly sweating through most of the time.

[22:20] And you know, what I love.

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] Just imagine him wiping his forehead with pieces of cheese.

[22:25] And then eating it.

Dan McCoy

[22:26] Before devouring them, possibly biting his fingers in the process.

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] Not even realizing it.

Stuart Wellington

[22:33] I mean, what I really liked about his character, though, is he really felt like we're just interrupting part of this person's life.

[22:41] Like he's existed for years before.

[22:43] His life beyond the frame.

Elliott Kalan

[22:44] And he's going to continue after.

[22:46] Oh, yeah.

[22:46] It felt very real, this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:49] Like we just took a little page out of his.

[22:52] Out of his diary.

[22:53] Autobiography.

[22:54] Mm-hmm.

[22:55] Wax.

Dan McCoy

[22:56] Oh, yeah.

[22:57] His last name.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] Was his name Sam Wax?

Dan McCoy

[22:59] I don't.

[23:00] I think you're confusing him with the character of Sam Axe from Burn Notice, Bruce Campbell's character.

[23:06] I don't think that's the case.

Elliott Kalan

[23:08] But his last name is Wax.

Dan McCoy

[23:10] Yeah.

[23:11] It was like Charlie Wax.

[23:13] They called me Mr. Wax.

[23:15] This is the sequel to House of Wax.

[23:17] Where he's also a crazed killer.

[23:19] Oh, it's a Wax Museum.

[23:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:22] Oh, okay.

[23:23] I thought you were talking about Tyler Perry's House of Pain for a second.

[23:26] Tyler Perry's House of Wax.

[23:27] I don't remember that many killers.

Elliott Kalan

[23:28] I like Medea's, Tyler Perry's Medea's House of Wax.

[23:32] Yeah.

[23:33] I don't remember all the killers.

[23:34] I like the Greek Medea.

[23:35] Medea was horribly scarred in a fire at her Wax Museum, and now she's going for revenge.

Stuart Wellington

[23:41] Sure, that makes sense.

[23:42] And is there like portals to other dimensions in the basement of her Wax Museum?

Elliott Kalan

[23:45] Yes, because it's the Wax Works also, yeah.

[23:48] That's kind of odd.

[23:49] I don't know why she'd have that.

[23:52] And it's the discovery of television among the bees.

[23:55] Anybody?

[23:55] Anyone know that movie?

[23:56] Wax or Discovery?

[23:57] Okay.

[23:58] Well, independent film.

[23:59] Early 90s.

Stuart Wellington

[24:00] I don't watch a lot of movies.

[24:03] Unless they're at the multiplex.

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] Well, you made the point, Stuart, that you still haven't seen Toy Story 3 yet, and yet you're

[24:08] sitting watching From Paris with Love.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] Sure.

[24:11] While crying.

[24:14] John Travolta doesn't bring his patented John Travolta charm to this particular project.

Elliott Kalan

[24:18] He does a lot of the things that John Travolta does when he's not charming, though.

[24:22] Which is talk as if he's really cool and laugh really loudly.

[24:27] There's a lot of shouting, yeah.

[24:28] A lot of shouting.

[24:29] He does kind of what Ray Liotta does when Ray Liotta laughs in movies, where he laughs

[24:33] really loudly with his mouth wide open, as if he's shooting laughs at you from out of

[24:38] his mouth.

[24:39] Ow!

[24:40] Yeah, exactly.

[24:41] John Travolta!

[24:42] Stop being funny.

[24:43] Thinking things are funny.

[24:44] Stop being amused.

[24:45] And this is also a movie where John Travolta, it's like a very bad James Bond movie in that

[24:50] he has a number of high-tech devices which appear in his hands as if from some pocket dimension,

[24:56] and then he uses them once and never again.

[24:59] You know?

[24:59] He has a watch that he can use to send coordinates...

[25:03] To tell time.

[25:04] To a satellite that goes to the US and they can track things, and he uses it once and then

[25:09] it's like, well, there's no reason to use this ever again.

[25:12] I mean, the watch is taken from him at one point, but he doesn't try to get it back or

[25:15] anything.

[25:15] Yeah.

[25:15] And the watch...

Stuart Wellington

[25:17] And later on, he has that bazooka and he shoots it once and that's it.

[25:21] Well, he doesn't bazook anything else.

[25:23] Well, there's really nothing left for him to bazook that.

[25:24] What could a bazooka'd that terrorist lady?

[25:26] He'd just be shooting random cars and things.

[25:29] Or people.

Elliott Kalan

[25:30] It wasn't what you were.

[25:32] You could bazook a Joe.

[25:33] You wondered where, at what point John Travolta's character will snap and just start shooting

[25:37] people at random.

[25:38] I mean, I think technically he kind of was shooting people at random.

[25:42] I was going to say that.

Dan McCoy

[25:42] He just got lucky that they were all bad guys.

[25:44] They were all villains.

[25:45] John Travolta didn't bring his charm, but Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, of course, made up for it.

[25:49] Oh.

[25:49] Right?

[25:49] In Spades.

[25:50] Oh, yeah.

[25:51] Oh, in David Spades.

[25:54] Which is sort of what his...

[25:56] Ace of base.

[25:58] His goatee looked like.

[26:00] Yeah, he has a tiny goatee and a terrible American accent.

Elliott Kalan

[26:03] And there are things that...

[26:04] And Jonathan Rhys-Meyers can be incredibly charming and charismatic in...

[26:08] Movies and television shows.

[26:10] Magazines.

[26:11] And magazines.

[26:12] That this was...

[26:13] I was wondering where...

[26:14] Because the first time I really saw him...

[26:16] Spirographs.

[26:17] Yeah.

[26:18] Was in the television production of Gormenghast, where he is great as Steer Pike, the kind

[26:23] of cunning rogue who is playing members of this royal family off of each other.

[26:28] And the whole movie, you're wondering, like, where's the guy who is interesting and likable

[26:32] even when he's doing unlikable things?

[26:34] Like, what happened to that Jonathan Rhys-Meyers?

Stuart Wellington

[26:36] Well, there's that great bit of, like, physical comedy at the beginning when he's trying to

[26:41] stick the listening device inside the French...

[26:44] I guess, like, the French presidents?

Elliott Kalan

[26:46] French minister of plot devices.

[26:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] He's trying to stick that listening device under the guy's desk.

[26:53] Yeah, and it just won't stick.

[26:54] Yeah, he tries using gum, which, of course, in spy school is the first thing you learn

[26:59] is that you should use gum to stick listening.

[27:00] Gum is sticky.

[27:02] And then it keeps falling on the floor, and he has to, like, cough and, like, drop things

[27:06] and make up stories.

[27:08] Oh, man, it's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[27:09] Oh, and the whole time the music is like...

[27:11] When it should have been...

S4

[27:14] Wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, wop.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] Bye.

[27:18] Do, do, do, do, do, do.

[27:19] Wow.

[27:20] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[27:21] It's a dumb movie.

[27:22] And then there's that great bit when he goes home to meet his girlfriend or fiancé who

[27:28] turns out to be a...

[27:29] A terrorist spy.

[27:30] A super terrorist that's working a long con.

[27:33] Mm-hmm.

[27:33] And he gets home, and he sees...

Dan McCoy

[27:35] Apparently just to get some credentials, by the way.

[27:37] Eventually, like, that...

[27:38] To get credentials once.

[27:39] Yeah.

[27:40] For one thing.

[27:41] Which you could have just lifted from him, say.

[27:43] Like, you could have employed a few pickpockets, you know, and lift credentials from various

[27:48] people.

[27:48] Or just beat him up.

Elliott Kalan

[27:49] Just beat him up and take his credentials and leave him somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[27:53] I mean, it was six years.

[27:54] What if he, like, got transferred or lost his job?

Dan McCoy

[27:57] That's a good point.

[27:58] Yeah, six years before, how did they know that he was going to be assigned to this particular

[28:01] detail?

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] How did they know there was going to be some sort of conference of African nations at

[28:05] the embassy?

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] Wouldn't there have been a more important...

[28:07] Like, wouldn't there have been something before then for a blow-up?

[28:10] Yeah, a more important official.

Dan McCoy

[28:11] I mean, like, a more important, say, older official who would not look a gift, young, attractive

[28:17] fiancé in the mouth.

[28:19] Mouth?

[28:19] I think he'd know him in the mouth.

[28:21] In the mouth.

Stuart Wellington

[28:22] Is that a fucking dirty word for a woman's thing?

[28:28] Her face?

[28:29] Yeah.

[28:29] Is that what you're saying?

[28:31] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] You're being offensive.

[28:32] Yeah, I'm just a little offended right now.

[28:34] Sorry.

[28:34] But it is, I think, for six years, the American embassy has been planning big events, and terrorists

[28:39] have been about to stop them, and then they've been called off for the weather, or people

[28:42] couldn't make it, or they booked the hall on the wrong day, and they couldn't get the

[28:47] people in.

[28:48] So for six years, she's had to pretend to be in love with him.

[28:51] That would have been a good movie.

[28:52] Because they keep changing plans.

[28:54] If it's told from her point of view, she hates him.

[28:56] But she's got to stay with him, because the embassy keeps canceling all these big terrorist-able

[29:01] events.

Dan McCoy

[29:01] And she keeps going to her terrorist boss and objecting to this plan.

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] I cannot stand this guy.

[29:06] Please.

Dan McCoy

[29:07] No, no.

[29:07] You'll stay with him.

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] I don't understand.

[29:09] She's like sitting there at the table while he picks his teeth with his knife, and she's

[29:13] like, oh, God.

[29:15] I've got to stay with this oaf.

[29:16] Yep.

[29:17] I like that movie.

[29:18] A lot of farting in bed.

[29:19] Nothing but farting in bed.

[29:22] That's what the movie's called, Farting in Bed.

[29:24] It's a terrorist story.

[29:26] I like this movie.

[29:29] And then the poster can be, it's a parody of the Man in the Black poster that says F.I.B.

[29:36] I don't like the direction you're taking farting in bed, Elliot.

[29:40] This is just the poster.

[29:41] This is just the poster.

[29:42] Okay.

[29:43] I'm still, I'm uncomfortable with the ad campaign.

Dan McCoy

[29:45] I think it's a movie called Fib about lying.

[29:48] That's what the kids would call it to be cool.

Elliott Kalan

[29:50] You know, see Fib again?

[29:51] Yeah, I've seen it ten times.

[29:52] I love Fib.

[29:53] That's who's going to say it.

Stuart Wellington

[29:54] I think you're presuming a lot about the audience's reaction to it.

[29:57] I think that's more of a movie that they see once, and they're like, oh, that's pretty

[30:00] good.

[30:00] I might see it again.

[30:01] No, no, no.

[30:01] They're going to see it over and over again, because here's why.

Elliott Kalan

[30:03] Multiple endings.

[30:04] You never know which one you're going to get when you go to the theater.

Stuart Wellington

[30:08] Okay.

[30:08] Okay, I like it.

[30:09] Tim Curry to star.

[30:12] Okay, Tim Curry to star.

[30:13] That's going to be odd.

[30:14] Isn't he dead now?

[30:15] No, he's still alive.

Dan McCoy

[30:17] Probably doing, like, what?

[30:19] I mean, the last we saw him was on Broadway in Spamalot.

[30:22] I think the last I saw him was as the villain in McHale's Navy.

Elliott Kalan

[30:26] I mean, he's done other things since then.

[30:28] Okay, you just admitted to watching McHale's Navy.

[30:30] That's odd.

[30:31] How was I not going to watch it?

[30:32] All-Star cast headed by Tom Arnold?

[30:34] Come on.

[30:35] Based on a show I've never seen?

Stuart Wellington

[30:38] Of course I was going to watch that.

[30:39] That's the one with Kelsey Grammer, right?

[30:41] No, that's Down Periscope, which I have also seen.

[30:45] With TV's Lauren Hawley.

[30:46] Potentially it's a double feature.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] Yeah, All-Star cast of Kelsey Grammer and Lauren Hawley?

[30:50] How could they not carry a film?

Stuart Wellington

[30:54] To that, I would say Up Periscope.

Dan McCoy

[30:58] Oh, man.

[30:59] Good stuff.

[31:00] Kelsey Grammer just looks like a submarine captain.

[31:04] He looks, yeah, well, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[31:06] I mean, I don't know what you're basing that off of.

[31:10] Well, he's currently appearing in...

[31:11] My book, Famous Submarine Captains.

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] He's currently appearing in La Caja Fole on Broadway,

[31:15] and they had to rewrite the character to make him a submarine captain

[31:18] because nobody believed him any other way.

[31:20] Yeah.

[31:20] That's why you remember that line in X-Men 3 when they're like,

[31:24] Professor McCoy, we need your help,

[31:26] because you were on a submarine.

[31:28] Yes, I was the captain.

[31:29] And then they just added that in.

[31:31] In the comics, the Beast is not a submarine captain.

Stuart Wellington

[31:33] Oh, because I thought that was all ad-libbed.

[31:35] Like, it was one of those things where they just threw it out there, like...

[31:38] That was the best take.

[31:39] That was the funniest take.

Elliott Kalan

[31:41] They were looking for the funniest take for X-Men 3.

[31:46] Yeah, you know, they're just...

[31:47] You gotta joke it up a little.

Stuart Wellington

[31:48] Yeah, they're, you know, riffing, doing some riffs.

[31:51] Riff them up.

[31:52] CGI, CGI, that sort of thing.

[31:55] Some CGI riffs.

Elliott Kalan

[31:57] Don't worry, we'll pump up these riffs in post with CGI.

[32:01] That sounds good.

[32:01] We'll get Peter Jackson to work on it.

[32:03] All right, guys.

Dan McCoy

[32:04] Do we have more to say about this?

[32:05] I don't know how much we have to...

[32:06] It's a dumb movie.

[32:07] To say about it.

[32:08] It is, as L.A. put it, a very dumb movie.

Stuart Wellington

[32:12] There are more exciting action treats out there in the world.

Dan McCoy

[32:19] And ones where you can actually parse the plot.

[32:23] Which is a big problem I have.

[32:24] Was that really...

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] Yeah, your problem was based on that you just didn't...

[32:27] Like, you couldn't figure out the plot.

[32:28] Well, there are a lot of problems.

Dan McCoy

[32:29] Well, you're presupposing that there is a plot.

[32:30] I didn't like the characters.

[32:32] But also, I didn't understand the plot.

[32:34] And I didn't understand what characters were supposed to be wanting from moment to moment.

[32:39] Okay.

[32:40] Even in, like, the stupidest action films, I feel like people's motivations are usually very clear.

[32:45] And here, there was no sense of even what, like, the fake, you know, like, mission was supposed to be before it got, like, wacky.

[32:54] I mean, they never even made it clear why Jonathan Mears-Meyers wants to be a secret agent.

Stuart Wellington

[32:57] That's really interesting that that was your problem.

[32:59] Because my problem with the movie was that there was only...

[33:01] That it was terrible.

[33:02] Well, that there was only one scene where a woman gets shot in the head in slow motion.

[33:06] Normally, there needs to be, like, four or five for me to like a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:09] There was one scene where a woman is shot in the head in slow motion and one where she's shot in the head in regular speed.

Stuart Wellington

[33:15] At the dinner.

[33:17] I don't know if I saw that part.

[33:18] Was I in the bathroom?

[33:19] No, you saw that.

[33:20] Okay.

[33:21] I was probably laughing and pumping my fist, shouting, awesome.

[33:25] I think you did, actually.

[33:26] And you started screaming, USA, USA.

[33:30] That's what happens to terrorists.

[33:31] And blowing a vuvuzela.

Dan McCoy

[33:35] That's going to date this podcast, if anything.

[33:38] Oh, yeah.

[33:38] World Cup references.

[33:40] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[33:41] Because I bet our fans are huge World Cup fans.

[33:44] Huge sports fans, the Flop House listeners.

Dan McCoy

[33:46] Well, I...

Stuart Wellington

[33:48] Dig yourself out of this hole, McCoy.

[33:50] In America...

[33:51] No, no, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[33:52] In the U.S., soccer is the nerd of sports.

[33:55] So I would imagine that our fans, if they followed a sport...

[33:58] Yeah, like lacrosse.

[34:00] Curling or...

[34:01] They're like...

[34:02] You're just getting scared.

[34:02] Like competitive Nintendo playing or something.

[34:05] You're just going, like, silly.

[34:07] I'm saying, like, of the sports, I think that soccer is...

[34:10] Like teen sports?

[34:11] Yeah.

[34:11] I would say that soccer is likely the sport that our fans listen to.

[34:15] Listen to.

[34:16] Listen to on the radio.

[34:17] Just golf, you have to do, like, trajectories and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[34:19] They just turn on WFAN and listen to the soccer play-by-play.

[34:25] See how the New York Cosmos are doing.

[34:29] It's not even their name.

[34:30] I mean, it was 30 years ago when they played.

Dan McCoy

[34:34] Anyway.

[34:34] So let's...

[34:35] Anywho.

[34:36] Let's give our final judgments on this fucking thing.

[34:39] To recap the judgment...

Elliott Kalan

[34:42] I don't know that we have to keep explaining the scale of judgments every time.

Dan McCoy

[34:45] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you actually kind of liked?

[34:50] Ali, what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] I would call this a bad, bad movie, and there were times I wanted to turn it into a movie

[34:56] I kind of liked because it was so stupid, but it just doesn't...

[35:01] It fails to meet any of the requirements even for being...

[35:03] Like, one of them...

[35:04] There's, like, the movie Tango and Cash I could watch over and over again.

[35:08] I love that movie.

[35:09] It's so funny.

[35:10] It's so dumb.

[35:11] It's so amazingly stupid in, like, the most fun way.

[35:14] And this was...

[35:14] I was hoping this would be like that, but it wasn't.

[35:17] Yeah.

[35:17] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[35:19] This was the best movie I've ever seen.

[35:22] No, I'm joking.

[35:24] It's the second best.

[35:25] Stuart has just discovered irony.

[35:26] After a gnome named Norm.

[35:28] I had you guys go in there for a second.

[35:30] No, this movie was terrible.

[35:31] It was very slow.

[35:33] The action scenes were shot really poorly.

[35:37] Yeah.

[35:37] Because they were trying so hard...

[35:38] They were shot around John Travolta.

[35:39] Yeah, they were trying so hard to make John Travolta seem tough and competent.

[35:44] And, yeah, it was really boring.

Dan McCoy

[35:47] Yeah, I'm with you guys.

[35:49] It's like I went through the stages of grief with this movie.

[35:51] Because, like, at the beginning, I was like...

[35:53] Hyperbally.

[35:53] I was like, yeah, this could be it.

[35:54] This could be a movie I actually kind of enjoy.

[35:56] Like, I can see it's stupid, but I could enjoy it in a stupid way.

[36:00] And then it's like moving on, and I'm like, oh, this movie is terrible, but it's moving along.

[36:05] Like, this guy knows what he's doing.

[36:06] It's a bad, bad, good, bad movie.

[36:08] That would be denial, right?

[36:09] Yeah.

[36:10] And then at the end, I was like, oh, no, this movie is a mess.

[36:14] Nothing makes any sense.

[36:15] I hate our main characters.

Stuart Wellington

[36:17] Yeah, and I think by the end, you were tearing at your hair and smearing ashes on your face.

Elliott Kalan

[36:22] Well, you guys ever seen that scene about two-thirds of the way through Event Horizon, where Sam Neill rips his own eyes out?

[36:27] Sure.

[36:27] Because where he's going, you won't need them anymore, I think.

[36:30] Yeah.

[36:30] Just like the end of Back to the Future.

[36:32] No, he says...

[36:33] We won't need eyes.

[36:34] He says that.

[36:35] I think he does say something like that, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:37] It's a really awesome scene.

[36:41] So, guys...

[36:42] The fact that this movie made me want to watch Event Horizon more than watching it is a pretty big statement.

Elliott Kalan

[36:48] Event Horizon is like one-third of a good movie.

[36:52] Yeah.

[36:53] It has its moments.

[36:53] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[36:54] I would go with that, one-third.

Elliott Kalan

[36:56] It's got Larry Fishburne in it.

[36:58] It's got Larry...

[36:59] So, Jonathan Travolta and Larry Fishburne.

[37:04] And Sammy Neill.

Stuart Wellington

[37:07] I think that's how he goes on Memoirs of an Invisible Man.

[37:11] That's what he's referred to as.

[37:13] Sammy Neill.

Dan McCoy

[37:14] I don't have...

[37:16] Letters?

[37:17] Letters per se.

[37:18] Boo.

[37:19] But I do have...

[37:20] I like letters.

[37:21] I have this.

[37:23] Eagle Life.

[37:24] Whoa, Dan!

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] Put that away!

Dan McCoy

[37:27] All right.

[37:27] I'll put that away, and I'll take out this, which is...

Elliott Kalan

[37:30] No!

[37:30] That's even worse!

[37:32] All right.

[37:32] I'm sorry.

[37:33] It's like radio comedy.

[37:34] We need more sound effects.

[37:36] Hold on.

[37:36] Don't open that closet, Fibber McGee.

[37:38] Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't,

[37:39] crash, crash, things falling.

[37:42] You think they'd be...

[37:42] Laugh, laugh.

Dan McCoy

[37:44] Body shaking.

[37:46] Lazy sound effects, God.

[37:48] Just rattle a bunch of things.

[37:51] No, what I do have is eagle-eyed flop house listener.

[37:56] Eagle-eyed cherry?

[37:57] Matt, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[37:59] Eagle-eyed, the Shia LaBeouf movie.

[38:01] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[38:02] Eagle-eyed flop house fan, Matt, last name withheld, sent in a link to an article about

[38:09] a new Friendly's product.

[38:10] Oh, on the internet?

[38:11] On the internet saying that you should sue Stuart, and the link was to a new burger that

[38:20] they have where the bun is two grilled cheese sandwiches.

[38:24] Now, uh, Flophouse fans will recognize this as one of Stu's unemployment suicide treats.

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] I wish this was, there was an asterisk that would go to a yellow box that would say, uh,

[38:35] Stu mentioned this sandwich in, and then whatever episode that was.

[38:38] Well, that's a thing.

[38:39] Pop-up flop.

[38:40] Yeah, and then, and then, and then, they'll be like, dash, dash, smile and stand, you know.

[38:44] Uh-huh.

[38:45] Ye olde Ed, editor.

[38:48] You know, it's like those Marvel boxes.

Stuart Wellington

[38:49] Yeah, the, I mean, this news probably wouldn't hurt my feelings so badly if they just named

[38:57] it after me, you know?

[38:59] Like, what the fuck's the deal?

[39:03] Sandwich Wellington?

[39:04] Yeah, or like, Stuart Wellington Rules or something like that.

[39:09] The sandwich.

[39:09] Well, yeah, I mean, it would be colon the sandwich.

[39:14] Not the word colon, that would be weird.

[39:17] Because that's not very appetizing.

Elliott Kalan

[39:18] And I assume rules would be spelled with a Z.

[39:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[39:21] R-O-O-L-Z.

[39:22] Stuart Wellington Rules, yep.

[39:24] But my name would be spelled correctly.

[39:26] So, if you need that information, Friendlies, you can call me.

Elliott Kalan

[39:29] Well, I know that you sent Friendlies this proposal, so I just hope you also sent yourself a copy

[39:34] so that it would be postmarked.

[39:36] No, see, the problem was I didn't send it to them.

Stuart Wellington

[39:38] I drew it on the back of a Friendlies placemat.

Elliott Kalan

[39:40] Ah, that means it's their intellectual property.

Stuart Wellington

[39:42] I think so, right?

[39:43] Yeah.

[39:44] I wrote TM and shit, Stuart Wellington TM, but that, like, I don't think.

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] They just thought you were on Team Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[39:50] Oh!

[39:52] Yeah, I did write T-E-A-M after Stuart Wellington, so.

Elliott Kalan

[39:56] And then you drew the uniforms for what the Stuart Wellington teammates would wear.

[40:01] Yep, all with all.

[40:02] Unicorn.

Stuart Wellington

[40:03] Well, that was the thing.

[40:04] It was all uniforms and then giant male genitalia.

[40:08] All over the place.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] I hope they're not making these hamburgers out of giant male genitalia, then.

Stuart Wellington

[40:13] Well, I mean, I presume not.

[40:14] That would be kind of, like, I would think they'd be more expensive than what they're probably using.

Elliott Kalan

[40:18] Yeah, probably low-grade crappy beef is more expensive than human penises.

Dan McCoy

[40:23] They could advertise it as an aphrodisiac, though.

Elliott Kalan

[40:25] Sure.

[40:25] Yeah, because Friendly's is real.

[40:27] When you want to get a girl in the mood, you take her down to Friendly's.

[40:30] What?

[40:30] It's a very friendly place.

[40:31] Listen, baby.

[40:32] I mean, they do have...

[40:32] You eat this upside-down ice cream cone with M&M eyes, and then we're going to get busy back at the motel.

[40:37] You eat it slowly.

[40:40] All right.

[40:40] Not too slowly, because it'll melt.

Stuart Wellington

[40:42] And while she's eating the Stuart Team aphrodisiac penis burger, you can eat one of their variety of new salads,

[40:50] which are all a delivery system for fried chicken and cheese.

[40:54] So enjoy that.

[40:56] All right.

Dan McCoy

[40:57] Well, that was good fun, guys.

[40:59] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[41:00] I call that sketch Friendly's with Benefits.

Stuart Wellington

[41:04] Well, that's what it would be if there was chapters that we broke our thing into.

[41:08] That's right.

[41:09] Hey, I think you'd do that on the little website.

[41:11] Friendly's with Benefits.

[41:12] Yeah, that's notes for you.

[41:13] In which our three heroes discuss an interesting restaurant proposal.

Dan McCoy

[41:18] Okay, well...

[41:19] Not zeros, right?

[41:20] No, heroes.

[41:21] Okay, that makes me...

[41:22] From zeros to heroes.

[41:23] Hercules.

[41:24] In stores now.

[41:26] Gyros?

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] You said in stores now, as if Hercules had not been in stores for the past seven years.

[41:31] Oh, but it's accurate.

[41:33] I mean, it's still in stores.

[41:34] Disney may have pulled it by now.

[41:35] It might be the Disney Vault.

[41:36] It may be back in the Disney Vault, yeah.

[41:38] With Song of the South and that John Henry cartoon that never got released.

Dan McCoy

[41:44] It is racist against Greek gods.

[41:47] But, okay.

[41:49] What I want to do now is talk about a new Flophouse contest.

[41:53] Flop test.

[41:54] One that, for once, is well defined.

[41:57] So...

Stuart Wellington

[41:58] Like Elliot's abs.

[41:59] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Why call them a situation?

[42:02] Yeah.

[42:03] So, we would like to get more reviews on iTunes.

[42:07] And we would like to get them all at once.

[42:10] So that iTunes stands up and takes notice.

[42:13] As if it was a person rather than a thing.

Elliott Kalan

[42:16] iTunes suddenly takes the cigar out of its mouth and swings its feet off the desk and goes,

[42:19] What's going on over here?

Stuart Wellington

[42:21] And that cigar is made out of $100 bills.

Elliott Kalan

[42:24] Yes.

[42:25] Because that's...

[42:25] You get the most pleasing smoke.

[42:27] So here's the deal.

[42:28] From $100 bills.

Dan McCoy

[42:29] It's been sealed with baby tears.

[42:31] Guys, guys.

[42:31] Now I'm trying to explain the actual mechanics of this contest.

[42:34] We want to get iTunes reviews.

[42:36] All right.

[42:36] Yes.

[42:37] Here's the deal.

[42:38] If you write a review of the Flophouse on iTunes before...

[42:44] On or before August the 1st.

[42:50] You are automatically entered into this contest.

[42:54] It does not have to be a good review of our show.

[42:56] Obviously, we would prefer that.

[42:58] But I don't want iTunes to think that we're bribing you for good reviews.

Stuart Wellington

[43:02] And if it's a negative review, just make sure it's like...

[43:05] It gives us some real critique that we can work on.

[43:07] Something we can work with.

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] Not just like, these guys suck.

[43:11] All in capitals.

[43:12] Yeah.

[43:12] Exclamation point.

[43:13] Exclamation point.

[43:14] Again, we would prefer a positive review.

Dan McCoy

[43:16] But any review...

[43:17] Any fair review.

[43:18] On iTunes.

[43:19] Your real opinion.

Elliott Kalan

[43:21] Except for that one listener who said we were not her type of attractive.

[43:25] Yeah.

[43:25] Come on.

[43:25] I don't care for that.

[43:27] Listen.

[43:27] We are all...

[43:28] You know, we've all landed some beautiful ladies.

[43:31] And it's not because we're a bunch of...

[43:33] And we're all tremendously vain.

Stuart Wellington

[43:35] After we recorded that fucking podcast, we were all looking in the mirror for like an hour, right?

[43:40] Yeah.

[43:40] Talking about all of our imperfections.

[43:41] And that's not cool because that's what makes us beautiful is our imperfections.

Dan McCoy

[43:45] We were looking in a circus mirror, so...

[43:46] You don't want to give us body dysmorphic disorder.

[43:50] I mean, come on.

Stuart Wellington

[43:50] Yeah.

[43:51] But anyway...

[43:52] Elliot was having trouble eating.

[43:53] Remember?

[43:54] Well, yeah.

[43:55] That's because...

[43:56] He would binge and purge.

Dan McCoy

[43:57] I couldn't get the top off of the bucket.

[43:59] And binge and purge.

[44:01] Minge and gurg.

[44:03] Anyway.

[44:03] And sting and lurge.

Stuart Wellington

[44:05] Man.

[44:06] You're on a roll.

[44:07] Keep it up.

[44:08] We can do another 10 minutes of that.

Elliott Kalan

[44:10] We're over here talking about one thing, and Dan's over there talking about made-up words.

Dan McCoy

[44:16] Point is...

[44:16] We got Noah Webster over here.

[44:18] Point is, get in a review on iTunes before August the 1st, on or before August the 1st,

[44:26] and you are automatically entered to win.

[44:28] It will be randomly selected from those who do review us on iTunes.

[44:32] And the prize...

[44:33] Oh, my God, the prize.

[44:35] What a great prize.

[44:36] A great prize.

[44:37] You get to write in and tell us what movie you want us to talk about on an episode of

[44:42] The Flophouse.

[44:43] And it does not have to be a new movie.

[44:44] It can be a movie.

[44:45] No rules.

[44:46] So long as it is readily available on Netflix, we can put our hot little hands on it.

[44:52] We can't...

[44:52] We will do it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:53] If you mention...

[44:54] No rules.

[44:54] If you mention the lost Murnau film, Four Devils, we can't do it.

Dan McCoy

[44:58] If you mention the never made Marx Brothers film, A Day at the UN, we can't do it.

[45:06] Because it was not done.

[45:08] The Day the Clown Cried.

[45:10] Can't do The Day the Clown Cried.

[45:11] We can't do that one.

[45:12] None of the famous lost or unmade films.

[45:14] Yes.

[45:15] Any film that is available on Netflix that we will talk about.

Stuart Wellington

[45:17] You can't do any home movies you made yourself.

[45:21] Unless you send them to us.

Elliott Kalan

[45:22] And do we have any copies of Stahl left that we can draw on all the time?

[45:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:26] We'll sweeten the deal with a copy of Stahl with our...

[45:29] John Hancock.

[45:29] Our Slophouse commentary on it.

[45:32] Mm-hmm.

[45:33] And so get those reviews in, friends.

[45:36] Please do.

[45:37] Won't you?

[45:38] So now comes to the time when we recommend a movie...

[45:42] Sure.

[45:42] ...that you might like to watch instead of From Paris with Love.

[45:45] Stuart, you look like you've got one queued up.

Stuart Wellington

[45:48] So guys, a couple days ago I watched a movie called The Human Centipede.

[45:52] What's the deal there, man?

Elliott Kalan

[45:53] The Human Centipede first sequence.

[45:55] Yeah, thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[45:56] What's the deal there?

[45:57] I mean, so it's a movie about a bunch of people who get sewed together.

Elliott Kalan

[46:01] Is this a recommendation or are you trying out your tight five minutes on The Human Centipede

[46:04] before tomorrow's open mic night?

Stuart Wellington

[46:07] Yeah, yeah.

[46:08] So have you guys heard about this?

[46:10] Anybody heard about this?

[46:11] The Human Centipede?

[46:11] Yeah, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[46:12] Meow.

[46:13] That was your Kevin Eubanks.

Stuart Wellington

[46:15] So, yeah, I watched this movie.

[46:18] To be honest, I was a little disappointed, guys.

Dan McCoy

[46:21] To be honest, I would like to be a Human Centipede.

Stuart Wellington

[46:24] Well, I mean...

[46:25] This is your recommendation?

[46:27] We were talking about The Human Centipede, and I would say that if we were made into one

[46:31] of those, I think Dan, you'd be probably in the middle.

[46:34] That would be the worst place to be.

Elliott Kalan

[46:35] We can all agree Dan is in the middle.

[46:37] I do not want to be in the middle.

[46:37] He's what holds the centipede together.

[46:39] That is the terrible...

Stuart Wellington

[46:42] Just like in the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[46:43] Just like in the podcast.

[46:43] I would...

[46:44] He is the unsung hero.

Stuart Wellington

[46:45] I would argue that I would make a good front.

Dan McCoy

[46:47] You're having to tackle the turtle and having all of the turtles stacked on top of you.

[46:50] That is the worst...

[46:51] I think I'd make a good front.

Elliott Kalan

[46:52] I think I'd make the best front, because I could best articulate the needs of the centipede.

[46:59] The thing is...

[47:00] You're the spokes...

[47:01] You're the spokesperson.

[47:02] I'd like to be the public face of the centipede.

Stuart Wellington

[47:04] I would argue against it, because, Ellie, you have a diet that's based primarily around

[47:09] chicken.

[47:10] Fried chicken.

Elliott Kalan

[47:10] Not just fried chicken.

[47:12] Roasted also.

[47:13] Grilled.

[47:14] You know.

Stuart Wellington

[47:14] But I don't think...

Dan McCoy

[47:15] So you're arguing for someone with a more healthy, balanced diet.

Stuart Wellington

[47:18] Yeah, so that we'll get enough nutrition.

[47:22] That's what I'm arguing, and I eat better.

[47:23] I would also put on the table, I'd be willing to get some kind of a Bazooka Joe-style comic

[47:29] strip tattooed on my lower back.

Elliott Kalan

[47:31] I mean, in addition to the one I already have.

Stuart Wellington

[47:33] So the person behind you would have something to read.

[47:36] Yeah, I think that's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] And where does that put me, stuck in the back, eating two people's worth of poop?

[47:40] I don't want to do that.

[47:42] But that's two people.

[47:44] That's like...

[47:44] So it turns back into food the second time?

[47:47] I don't think so.

Stuart Wellington

[47:49] I think it is.

[47:49] It's like a double negative.

[47:51] Two poops make one good meal.

Elliott Kalan

[47:53] I don't think so.

[47:54] I wouldn't...

[47:55] Listen.

[47:55] Again, I don't want to be in the middle.

[47:56] I want to be able to kick my legs around or talk.

[47:59] I mean, the movie...

Dan McCoy

[47:59] No one's kicking their legs around.

[48:01] People's tendons are being severed.

Stuart Wellington

[48:03] Yeah, you can't...

[48:04] And the movie says you can't kick your legs.

Elliott Kalan

[48:06] Oh.

[48:06] Well, then why...

[48:07] It's not even really...

[48:08] The whole thing about a centipede is the number of legs.

Stuart Wellington

[48:10] So, yeah, there's...

[48:12] So, watching this movie, you know, I am going to give the movie a little bit of credit.

[48:16] The mad scientist guy.

[48:19] Pretty awesome.

[48:21] He's totally over the top.

[48:23] But it wasn't nearly as gory or as horrible as I kind of expected.

[48:27] It was a classy human centipede.

[48:29] Well, like, I don't know.

[48:30] I'm used to seeing, like, Stuart Gordon movies where every movie makes me want to throw up at least once.

[48:36] So, I was a little disappointed that I didn't want to barf.

[48:38] But human centipede...

[48:38] So, this is your recommendation.

[48:40] Yeah, I just want to talk about human centipede for a while.

[48:42] This is my fucking podcast, dude.

[48:44] I'm not getting paid for this shit.

[48:46] I mean, you own a third share of the podcast.

[48:48] Well, I mean, I had my little part.

[48:50] I'll buy you out.

[48:51] Then I can talk twice as much.

[48:53] I think you already do that, Elliot.

[48:54] Oh!

Elliott Kalan

[48:56] Zing!

[48:57] I'm going to recommend...

[48:58] Flophouse roast of the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[49:01] I'll recommend the documentary Joe Strummer, The Future is Unwritten.

[49:07] I'm a fan of the rock band The Clash.

[49:11] And thus, I was interested in a documentary about Joe Strummer.

[49:15] And Joe Strummer just seemed like...

[49:17] You know, like a...

[49:18] Joe Strummer has, like, not a great singing voice, but one of the, like, warmest, most lovable singing voices in rock.

Elliott Kalan

[49:25] He's got it very distinctive.

[49:26] It's not a technically good singing voice, but it is a...

[49:30] It's extremely expressive.

[49:31] Yeah, and it's expressive and charismatic.

Dan McCoy

[49:33] Yeah, and even when he's being, like, super aggressive, there's, like, this, like...

[49:38] There's just, like, a warmth to it.

[49:40] And I think that the film bears that out.

[49:43] He seems like a very...

[49:44] He seemed, you know, since he's passed on now, but he seemed like a lovable guy.

[49:48] I mean, like, he did multiple asshole-ish things in his life, but I don't think that any big rock star could become a big rock star without having some of that in them.

[49:58] But, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[49:59] A little man named Bruce Springsteen, perhaps?

[50:02] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[50:03] St. Bruce.

[50:04] Who I hear is nice as pudding pie.

[50:07] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[50:08] But it was...

[50:08] What about King Diamond from Merciful Fate?

[50:12] He's got a pretty voice.

[50:14] Okay.

[50:15] I don't know who that is.

Elliott Kalan

[50:16] Kirk Hammett always seems like kind of a nice guy.

Dan McCoy

[50:19] You're both successfully derailing my recommendation.

[50:22] But, uh...

[50:22] It's a good documentary.

[50:24] It's done in a style where it weaves in a lot of archival footage with new interviews, but also with, you know, just stock footage from various things from the time.

[50:37] Like, movies that are unrelated.

[50:39] It has little animations based on Joe Strummer's sketches that he did.

[50:45] And it's sort of a kaleidoscopic style, but it doesn't overwhelm things.

[50:48] It doesn't feel like style for its own sake.

[50:50] It just seems very entertaining.

[50:51] So that's my recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[50:53] Hmm.

[50:53] I haven't used kaleidoscopic in a review lately.

Elliott Kalan

[50:56] Well...

[50:57] Well, I did, but I was reviewing a kaleidoscope.

[51:00] It's a very...

[51:01] I mean, that's appropriate, I would guess.

[51:02] Or multicolor monthly.

[51:03] Yeah.

[51:04] It was actually not a good kaleidoscope, either.

[51:07] It was a negative review.

[51:10] Okay.

[51:11] Fair enough.

[51:11] Fails to be more than merely kaleidoscopic.

Dan McCoy

[51:15] Well, in that usage, it's acceptable.

Elliott Kalan

[51:18] Yeah.

[51:18] Thank you.

[51:20] I would like to recommend a low-budget horror comedy film from the 60s called Spider Baby,

[51:29] which I don't know if you guys have seen.

[51:30] Oh, it's great.

[51:31] I just saw it for the first time this past week.

[51:34] It's very fun.

[51:35] There's a family called the Mary family that has a strange syndrome where after a certain

[51:43] point, their mental development goes backwards and they become like kids and then zombies.

[51:49] Basically, it just drives them crazy.

[51:50] It's just an excuse for people to be crazy.

[51:52] And this family is basically taken care of by the chauffeur Lon Chaney Sr. in maybe his

[52:00] best performance.

[52:01] Like, I've never been a big fan of...

[52:02] I'm sorry, Lon Chaney Jr.

[52:03] I've never been a big fan of Lon Chaney Jr.

[52:05] He's best known as the Wolfman.

[52:07] But in this, he's really good and like kind of touching a lot of the time.

[52:13] Like, where you feel like he really cares about this family, but he doesn't want anything

[52:16] to happen to it.

[52:17] But he knows they're crazy and they kill people.

[52:19] And there's two daughters, one of whom thinks she's a spider and is obsessed with spiders.

[52:23] There's cannibals in the basement.

[52:25] There's Sid Haig as the brother who's bald and can't really talk and is kind of a, you

[52:31] know, evil weirdo.

[52:34] But like an innocent.

[52:36] And basically, the family's last surviving cousins come by to, I guess, lay claim to the

[52:43] kids.

[52:43] Like, it's just one of those things where it's a very bare legal pretext for these normal

[52:47] characters to wander into this crazy house.

[52:50] But it's a lot of fun.

[52:51] And it's very, there's some good spooky moments.

[52:53] And it's just like very, it's like pre-camp camp.

[52:58] Where like, it's not too over the top campy, but it's very tongue in cheek.

Dan McCoy

[53:03] Well, I feel like there was this period in horror movies where like, I don't know, just things

[53:07] were allowed to be very silly and loose and strange.

Elliott Kalan

[53:10] It feels like a movie that, it's almost like if the Munsters were allowed to kill people

[53:15] on the Munsters.

[53:16] Like, if the Munsters was a goofy sitcom about vampires and Frankenstein's monsters who actually

[53:22] murdered people, but were still like a goofy family, that's what it's kind of like.

[53:26] But it was a lot of fun.

[53:27] And Lon Chaney Jr. sings the opening theme song, which is adorable.

Stuart Wellington

[53:35] I am planning a pitch now for the Munsters that actually killed people.

[53:39] And that's the title of the show, The Munsters that actually killed people.

Elliott Kalan

[53:42] I mean, I have no interest in writing a Munsters movie.

[53:46] But if I was approached and they said, we want to write a Munsters movie.

[53:48] But you want to be extreme, right?

[53:49] The Munsters actually kill people because they're monsters.

[53:52] I would say, yes, sign me up.

[53:54] But there's still a family.

[53:56] They still have a son who goes to school.

[53:58] They're still up, they still go to like PTA meetings and make jokes about stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[54:01] You should get the guy who plays the guy in that show.

[54:04] Everybody loves Raymond to be the Frankenstein.

Elliott Kalan

[54:08] Oh, Brad Garrett?

Stuart Wellington

[54:09] Yeah, get that guy.

[54:10] Yeah, he'd be great in the Fred Gwynn part.

[54:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:13] Well, I think we've made our first million tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[54:17] And we call it Munsters 3D.

[54:19] Done.

Stuart Wellington

[54:19] I like it.

[54:21] But it'd be in real D, 3D, right?

[54:23] Yeah, of course.

[54:23] We wouldn't upconvert.

Elliott Kalan

[54:24] Yeah, it's not going to shoot in 2D and then be 3D.

[54:27] Maybe even IMAX.

[54:29] Ideally.

[54:31] All right.

[54:32] We'll sign on the dotted line.

[54:33] If ever there was a movie where the 3D is completely unnecessary, it would be the Munsters movie.

Dan McCoy

[54:38] I don't know.

[54:42] Frankensteins would be all Frankensteining at you in 3D.

Elliott Kalan

[54:46] Frankensteining at you, yeah.

[54:47] And the grandpa wouldn't be Grandpa Munster.

[54:52] He'd be the real-life Grandpa Al Lewis, the socialist anarchist politician who also happened to be an actor.

Stuart Wellington

[55:01] You lost me in your referencing, but that's okay.

[55:04] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[55:05] He's the star of the Munsters.

[55:07] I didn't really pay attention.

[55:09] He's the star of the Munsters and South Beach Academy starring Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.

[55:15] All right.

[55:17] Now you're speaking serious language.

[55:18] Yeah, Grandpa Al Lewis is also in that In Between the Boobs.

[55:20] Okay.

[55:21] Nice.

Dan McCoy

[55:22] So, guys, from Paris with love, this has been our audio postcard.

[55:28] Yeah, from Brooklyn with love to you, the listeners.

[55:31] Mm-hmm.

[55:32] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[55:33] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[55:35] I'm creeped out Elliot Kalin.

[55:37] Good night, everyone.

[55:38] Good night.

Stuart Wellington

[55:50] Did you whittle this?

[55:53] You whittled this table out of a what?

Elliott Kalan

[55:55] You carpenter this?

[55:57] You carpented it?

[55:58] I carpented this.

[55:59] You woodworked it?

[56:00] Mm-hmm.

[56:01] You worked the wood?

Stuart Wellington

[56:01] Let me put my thing on vibrate instead of make noise.

[56:05] Listen to this in the two settings.

The Flop House: Episode #63 - From Paris With Love

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