The Flop House: Episode #67 - The Uninvited

[0:00] A PG-13 remake of an Asian horror film?

[0:03] Those things never suck!

[0:05] In this episode, we discuss The Uninvited.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse.

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:43] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] And I'm John Kingman.

[0:45] Yeah, we cannot get everyone together in a room anymore, guys.

[0:49] Why not?

[0:50] I mean, I don't know why I'm dressing up as you as well, John.

[0:51] Yeah, I've never been in this room before.

[0:53] No, but, uh, I don't know, Elliot's...

[0:55] I think you walked into the wrong room, possibly.

[0:58] I was going for the downstairs, but the party sounded like it was happening up here.

[1:01] You're going for the potluck.

[1:02] Yeah.

[1:03] Um, yeah, Elliot, I don't know, he got married, and I guess he wants to spend time with his

[1:08] wife?

[1:09] Yeah.

[1:10] I don't really understand it.

[1:11] I think he's nervous that she's gonna chase after him with a rolling pin, or whatever

[1:14] wives do.

[1:15] Well, that's why we got John in here, because John also just got married.

[1:19] I think he got married even more recently than Elliot.

[1:21] Yeah.

[1:22] No kidding.

[1:23] And so we got him in here to prove that, um, you know, you can still do a podcast.

[1:28] So, this is kind of like an elaborate burn on, I mean, it's not even that elaborate.

[1:31] Yeah, it's a real burn on Elliot.

[1:32] It doesn't actually help me, though, because I can't go home tonight.

[1:35] I've actually been kicked out of my apartment, but...

[1:37] Oh, okay.

[1:38] Okay.

[1:39] Well, um...

[1:40] We didn't really prove anything.

[1:41] Well, I mean, I proved that I could screw up your evening.

[1:44] That's true.

[1:45] That's true.

[1:46] Yeah.

[1:47] And possibly the listeners at home.

[1:48] Mm-hmm.

[1:49] Um, so guys, Shocktober.

[1:51] Yes.

[1:52] This is the second Shocktober episode.

[1:56] Is it?

[1:57] It's the second Shocktober month.

[1:58] Shocktober.

[1:59] Yeah.

[2:00] Because, uh...

[2:01] Do you get money every time you plug Shocktober?

[2:06] Nike has some type of Shocktober-related launch, right?

[2:09] Sure.

[2:10] Yeah.

[2:11] I'm not sure who owns the patent on Shocktober.

[2:14] I just know I get 75 cents every time I say that word.

[2:17] Yeah.

[2:18] I think Stevie Ray Vaughan has Rocktober patented.

[2:21] Okay.

[2:22] Yeah.

[2:23] Cocktober?

[2:25] That's something else entirely.

[2:27] Mocktober is for people who are allergic to October.

[2:31] Yeah.

[2:32] Right.

[2:33] Getting Mocktober burgers.

[2:35] So we're talking about October again.

[2:39] What do we do during this month?

[2:41] We watch horror movies with a slightly increased frequency than the rest of the year.

[2:47] Sure.

[2:48] And apple picking.

[2:49] We also do apple picking.

[2:50] Yeah.

[2:51] But that's not based on...

[2:52] We don't really talk about that.

[2:53] It's really unrelated.

[2:54] Yeah.

[2:55] It's a podcast.

[2:56] We don't really cover that.

[2:57] I mean, maybe in a movie minute, but not right now.

[3:01] So we watched a horror movie tonight.

[3:03] Yeah.

[3:04] A horror movie.

[3:05] Not a whore movie.

[3:06] No.

[3:07] That would have been something else.

[3:08] I would have enjoyed the evening much more.

[3:11] Yeah.

[3:12] Sitting around with a couple of dudes, watching a movie about a bunch of whores.

[3:15] It would have been more awkward when your wife came home and we were just watching a

[3:19] horror movie.

[3:20] Eh.

[3:21] No.

[3:22] I don't think you know my wife.

[3:23] No.

[3:24] Yeah.

[3:25] She's probably seen worse.

[3:26] No.

[3:27] We watched a film called The Uninvited, which is an American remake of a Korean horror film

[3:35] by the name A Tale of Two Sisters.

[3:38] Mm-hmm.

[3:39] Both...

[3:40] Neither of them sound like horror movie names.

[3:44] No.

[3:45] Neither do.

[3:46] I mean...

[3:47] I mean, Uninvited, I guess, sounds like, but I don't know what it would be about.

[3:50] It doesn't really clue you into what...

[3:52] No.

[3:54] I imagine a house and somebody shouldn't be in the house.

[3:57] That's about as far as it really seems to go for me.

[3:59] It doesn't evoke much more.

[4:02] Or it could be a movie about, what's-her-face, Alanis Morissette and the writing of her hit

[4:10] song Uninvited.

[4:11] That was a hit song by Alanis Morissette?

[4:14] Yeah.

[4:15] I think the lyrics were, and you, you are not allowed.

[4:19] You're uninvited.

[4:20] Is that off of Jagged Little Pill or something?

[4:23] This was after she was relevant.

[4:25] I had to stop following, yeah.

[4:28] Yeah, I imagine it would be a horror movie about a party of werewolves, and one person

[4:36] turns up and they're not a werewolf, and they weren't invited in the first place.

[4:39] That makes more sense.

[4:40] That sounds like a great movie, although I would call that movie Werewolf Party.

[4:44] Sure.

[4:45] I think you'd get more eyes, you'd get a bigger audience if you called the movie Werewolf

[4:50] Party.

[4:51] With an exclamation point at the end?

[4:52] Yep.

[4:53] Yeah.

[4:54] The Uninvited, I mean, can you think of a blander title for a movie?

[4:59] Ghost.

[5:00] Ghost was a pretty bland title, but it actually, weirdly, ended up being much more appropriate

[5:05] to the movie.

[5:06] Right.

[5:07] Yeah.

[5:08] Now, think of-

[5:09] Life As We Know It, starring Katherine Heigl.

[5:10] There you go.

[5:11] That's a more bland title.

[5:12] If they put an exclamation point at the end of Ghost, turned it from Ghost to Ghost, I

[5:16] think that would have been a much better movie.

[5:18] That's a very good point.

[5:19] I mean, people probably would have seen it.

[5:20] Yeah.

[5:22] People probably wouldn't have died a slow, painful death of obscurity.

[5:25] Right.

[5:26] They could have let Whoopi Goldberg really let herself loose, do her full comedic powers.

[5:31] Maybe the poster would have been her pointing at Patrick Swayze, shouting Ghost in a word

[5:36] balloon.

[5:37] Man, you know what, I realize that we have fucked this up entirely, because we introduced

[5:42] that John Kingman was here, but we said nothing about him as a person.

[5:48] So you want to rewind it?

[5:49] No, I think that before we get into the meat of the movie, which we, oddly enough, haven't

[5:54] done.

[5:55] Yeah, we've been dancing around.

[5:56] We're deep into the podcast.

[5:57] We should say a few words about our guest host.

[6:00] Should we say, or should I?

[6:01] I should probably say a few words.

[6:02] You should say something about yourself.

[6:03] I probably shouldn't do the introduction.

[6:04] Yeah.

[6:05] Justify your existence, Joe.

[6:07] I am a, what am I?

[6:09] I am a comedy director.

[6:12] I have directed a variety of stage and video comedies, as well as some industrial shorts

[6:22] for money.

[6:23] Wait, you weren't doing those industrial shorts for love?

[6:27] For both.

[6:28] There's a lot of love when you're trying to talk about proper HR policies, and I think

[6:33] that really, you need to bring an artist's touch to that, but the paycheck of a whole

[6:39] $0.50.

[6:40] Yeah, yeah.

[6:41] An auteur's direction.

[6:44] You've done a lot of, your work is readily available on ucbcomedy.com.

[6:50] Yes, and the YouTube.

[6:52] You can go there.

[6:53] I have a channel with my name on it.

[6:56] You and I met each other during, is it like guys getting kicked in the nuts by little

[7:01] kids and stuff?

[7:02] Yes, yes.

[7:03] Sure.

[7:04] Squirrels.

[7:05] Squirrels kicking people in the nuts.

[7:06] Sure.

[7:07] I'll watch that.

[7:08] I have a very funny cat, and it does a lot of things that we just think are darling.

[7:12] Insult comedy?

[7:13] Does your cat do insult comedy?

[7:14] I do voiceovers over the cat.

[7:16] It can't actually talk, so I had to lip sync over it.

[7:20] You do song mash-em-ups, where it looks like the song's doing the singing?

[7:23] Yep.

[7:24] With the song?

[7:25] The song's doing the singing.

[7:26] Oh, man, I got mixed up.

[7:27] Metaphysical.

[7:28] Yeah, man.

[7:29] Sometimes I just post Nas songs with the lyrics over them, and then maybe some inspirational

[7:33] pictures, too.

[7:34] I hope you bleep out all the squirrels, though.

[7:36] Oh, yeah, definitely, because that's not inspirational.

[7:37] It's not family-friendly.

[7:38] We don't need to keep those types of Fs and Ss in there.

[7:40] No, but you and I met each other during the production of a show called Video Gaga.

[7:44] Yes.

[7:45] Yes.

[7:46] Said our mutual friend Sarah Schafer, now an Emmy-winning writer.

[7:49] Yes.

[7:50] Congratulations, Sarah.

[7:51] For the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon show.

[7:53] Woo.

[7:54] But, yeah, it was a music video-themed stage show.

[7:59] It was a variety show, really, because we also had live guests.

[8:04] We had some semi-high-profile musical entertainment.

[8:09] Some dancing.

[8:12] In violation of cabaret laws.

[8:14] Yep.

[8:15] Yep.

[8:16] Yeah.

[8:17] Okay, well, I think you've justified yourself enough.

[8:19] That's me.

[8:20] You deserve to be here.

[8:21] Okay, so now we can get back to The Uninvited, which is a movie, and in Elliot's absence,

[8:28] I'll try and quickly synopsize this film.

[8:31] Okay.

[8:32] It begins with our heroine.

[8:33] Probably better that I'm not doing it.

[8:34] Our heroine, played by Emily Browning.

[8:36] Okay.

[8:37] Who was the elder sister in the Lemony Snicket series of unfortunate events movie.

[8:45] So, she is getting out of a mental hospital for youths, troubled youths.

[8:53] Her mom had died, and that had made her troubled.

[8:57] In a mysterious fire.

[9:00] Her mom had died in a house fire explosion combination.

[9:04] Yeah, and her father.

[9:06] Which is how I want to go, by the way, guys.

[9:08] Okay.

[9:09] It's a peaceful place.

[9:10] I want to go in the biggest explosion you can think of.

[9:12] So, like, when you're getting old and, like, it looks terminal, I should just come to your

[9:17] place and, you know, just open up all the gas lines.

[9:21] Yeah, I mean, I want you to set it up like a mousetrap thing.

[9:24] I don't want you to, like, just throw a stick of dynamite at me.

[9:27] That'd be stupid.

[9:28] You'd get in trouble.

[9:29] Do you want some type of, like, Rube Goldberg device that goes around the room so you can

[9:33] watch all of the pieces fall into place before you die?

[9:36] Yeah, I want to be like, oh, okay, I like this.

[9:39] Oh, I didn't realize that frying pan could do that.

[9:42] Things like that.

[9:43] Yeah.

[9:44] And then when I die, I want to be, like, clapping.

[9:46] As I get blown off into the neither world.

[9:50] Okay.

[9:51] There's got to be an egg that falls onto a hot plate.

[9:54] Yep.

[9:55] And it has to cook to a certain point.

[9:57] I'm pretty sure you need a mouse running on a treadmill at this point.

[10:00] some part in that you need some kind of a live and yeah like it's a very

[10:03] chicken so it will it should sound made

[10:06] a candle needs to burn through a string

[10:09] i'm sure going

[10:09] this is where this is just the beginning of peely's big event

[10:13] the uninvited was clearly a very good movie all right all that uh... to get

[10:17] back to it uh... her dad

[10:19] uh... played by david straithairn

[10:22] famed uh... john sales

[10:24] uh... he's a great

[10:26] that's right then

[10:27] i don't know if i'm saying his last name correctly straight straight through

[10:30] straighter

[10:32] jason statham

[10:34] was a little bit of a father in the movie

[10:38] so it was a stretch for him

[10:40] yeah i didn't see a bald man in this role he did a really good job of the car

[10:44] chase scene and the part where he fought the two giants

[10:48] uh... in the bar yet the the two giant i guess

[10:51] they looked eastern european guys and covered himself in some kind of

[10:54] butter or something yes it could grab his body was really impressed with his

[10:58] heart had died so you only have a kind of a battery keeping them away from the

[11:01] hong kong cocktail right

[11:03] uh... so what happened is

[11:06] it we brought it comes home

[11:08] uh... she finds that her dead mother has been usurped

[11:12] sure by uh... stepmother played by elizabeth banks

[11:17] uh... known as a comic actress here in a straight role

[11:20] uh... as the evil stepmother

[11:23] uh... now this this woman was uh... her mom's nurse

[11:27] who uh... then stepped in

[11:29] once her mom died to to to take a place and uh...

[11:32] that's how you get that

[11:33] the moniker stepmother to write what you step into the place of the regional

[11:38] over the dead body rather step on the court of the streets

[11:43] too

[11:44] uh... three days

[11:46] uh... so

[11:47] so that happened

[11:49] and uh... and so uh... emily browning and her sister

[11:53] played by some girl who was in john tucker must die

[11:57] uh...

[11:58] you know hang out together

[12:00] uh... complaining about this is this is this new bitch

[12:03] who's entered their lives

[12:05] uh... and there's a bunch of shit there's a shitload of ghosts hanging around

[12:09] yeah man it's fucking ghost central

[12:11] her her mom appears as a ghost

[12:14] you know there's more kids his kids make the best recreation it's to to to

[12:19] brothers and uh...

[12:21] girl who looks like you assume their brothers from you don't know their

[12:23] brothers right off the bat they just have matching outlook very similar i mean

[12:27] but they don't like saying like hey this is my ghost brother now

[12:31] now they might just do their shopping at l l being both of them and it's yeah i

[12:34] mean the normal thing yeah i mean they could be just really good friends with

[12:37] the same taste in clothes

[12:38] all right everybody likes a blue oxford and some khaki pants i don't think that

[12:42] they looked a little bit like pilgrims

[12:44] yeah no they were like pilgrim kids

[12:46] that's what i was wondering was this a movie about pilgrims but it wasn't

[12:51] no i think that those kids probably just got killed

[12:55] on their way to protection of the crucible

[12:57] like a school play

[12:59] i thought it was Blair Witch to step up to the streets so i got confused

[13:03] halfway through the movie

[13:05] because dan said we were going to watch that and i remember he got excited and he went to the

[13:09] bathroom when he made the decision that we were going to watch the underdog

[13:11] he went to the bathroom while i explained that movie doesn't exist

[13:17] uh... but i came out very excited

[13:19] yeah so uh... we didn't want to say anything because you were so excited

[13:23] so yeah there's a bunch of ghost stuff going on like the mom is

[13:28] a lot of shenanigans so mom's pointing at elizabeth banks and being like murderer

[13:33] i think she actually she just said

[13:35] murder she did not say murderer which was confusing to me because i wasn't

[13:39] really sure

[13:41] what she was trying to point out about

[13:43] elizabeth banks when she was pointing out the window

[13:46] uh... saying murder

[13:47] yeah i mean that must have been some kind of like uh... thing where our brain

[13:51] kind of finishes the word right

[13:55] well i might have gone back to the bathroom it's uh... i went to the bathroom a lot

[13:58] tonight yeah does there probably have a bladder infection

[14:02] i don't think so it just hurts a little

[14:04] it hurts a lot but i think it's fine well i'm not going to go to a doctor

[14:09] i mean you just got married so you probably just got a new piercing down there

[14:12] yeah because you know i mean that's how you keep

[14:14] your wife right that's how you that's how you get a wife

[14:19] i don't know if you've been through an engagement process i haven't no watch

[14:22] the movie a very long engagement it'll teach you everything about the piercings

[14:26] okay cool

[14:27] and the other marital aids

[14:28] that's actually really good advice uh... listeners

[14:31] you should write that down

[14:32] and then uh... email it to me at

[14:35] stewartwellington

[14:37] they have to write it down and email it to you?

[14:39] i don't have a pen and paper dan i'm doing a podcast

[14:42] i don't know why you're making the listeners into your personal assistants

[14:46] at uh... stewart at the flop house dot edu

[14:50] not an email that exists

[14:52] so i didn't realize the flop house was an accredited institution of higher learning

[14:56] it's an educational

[14:57] it's a primarily educational mission

[15:00] i had no idea i just thought it was movie reviews

[15:04] so uh...

[15:05] you learned something

[15:06] yeah that's cool

[15:09] so by the end of the movie

[15:12] uh... the two girls the titular sisters if this was the

[15:17] korean version which it isn't

[15:18] but the two sisters

[15:20] uh... decide

[15:22] they think that elizabeth banks

[15:25] has uh... killed three children

[15:28] and their mom

[15:29] and probably this dude matt

[15:33] yeah this dude matt we didn't even mention

[15:36] uh... emily browning's uh...

[15:38] you know bo or possible bo

[15:41] like the most awesome

[15:42] most awesome guy in the world

[15:44] yeah he's a hunk

[15:46] yeah

[15:47] a beefcake a little bit

[15:48] really like

[15:49] really cool dude

[15:51] yeah and kind of really down to earth you know like he drives his cool speed

[15:55] boat around delivers groceries he works in this really dark storeroom

[16:00] got some cargo shorts or maybe they're like cargo pants that are just rolled up

[16:04] to short length

[16:06] little confusing but it looks really good

[16:08] yeah he's always around water and water can get on your pants if they're not rolled up

[16:13] the point is the girls become convinced that uh... elizabeth banks

[16:17] is this black widow character who uh...

[16:19] what she does is she moves in

[16:21] like a stepfather

[16:22] yeah like she's a nurse

[16:25] and she moves in and she kills off people

[16:28] like and the proof

[16:30] of this is they

[16:31] they feel like these

[16:33] three children that died

[16:35] uh... who

[16:36] who have been pointed to by

[16:38] these ghostly apparitions like uh... the main character

[16:43] finds their graves and then googles their names

[16:46] uh... and she finds a photo of all of them

[16:49] and uh... the mother who was murdered of these children is wearing a pearl

[16:54] necklace

[16:56] yeah a literal pearl necklace

[17:01] it's not ejaculate

[17:05] so she's wearing a pearl necklace

[17:07] that uh... elizabeth banks also has

[17:10] a pearl necklace of the exact same make and model which was pretty coincidental

[17:14] if you think about it they had the exact same looking it's crazy that two women

[17:18] would have pearl necklaces

[17:24] a really uncommon type of necklace and sometimes she tries to give that pearl necklace to

[17:28] uh... to her stepdaughter

[17:31] there's a lot of exchange of pearl necklaces in this movie

[17:37] so

[17:39] now that that's done with

[17:41] so this one of a kind

[17:43] pearl necklace

[17:45] uh... is the key point of evidence right it's this unique

[17:50] no one else in the world has a pearl necklace at all that looks even kinda

[17:53] like this

[17:54] three strands of pearls

[17:57] well that's how they knew because usually it's either a one strand or a two

[18:01] strand pearl necklace

[18:04] this had three individual strands

[18:06] thereby stealing evidence

[18:10] yeah there's no way

[18:11] so at the end of the movie uh...

[18:15] do you guys do spoilers?

[18:21] why don't you tell the big shocking reveal

[18:24] uh... the whole movie you think elizabeth banks is this

[18:28] crazy murderer

[18:29] this ghost keeps showing up to tell our main character that uh... you know she's

[18:34] got to get out she's next she's going to get murdered next

[18:37] and then it all turns out that uh... she has been imagining that her sister's

[18:42] there her sister's been

[18:44] a figment of her imagination because she accidentally killed her sister and her

[18:47] mom

[18:48] and then went crazy

[18:50] and then killed elizabeth banks and this dude matt

[18:53] uh... it was her all along she was the killer our narrator was a crazy person

[18:58] huzzah unreliable narrator

[19:00] so the real reveal is that elizabeth banks isn't a murderer she's just a

[19:04] bitch she's just a shitty stepmom she wasn't even that

[19:06] i think she dug her own grave to be honest here guys i mean she was trying hard

[19:10] what about the pork roast man uh... i can't remember what the actress's name

[19:14] is the main character emily browning emily browning uh... knocks over a pot

[19:18] roast and elizabeth banks comes in and she throws a whole bitch fit

[19:23] but that was an important dinner party it was a very nice dinner party

[19:26] the like the local minister was probably there like maybe not the mayor

[19:32] but maybe like the

[19:33] the controller maybe the mayor's assistant maybe an astronaut

[19:37] definitely an astronaut i think i saw buzz aldrin in the background

[19:41] oh no shit mbc's using that guy for everything now he needs some money i think he's uh...

[19:45] you don't get a lot of money going to space he should have brought back more moon gold

[19:51] that's what i would say

[19:52] there was plenty of room on the shuttle yeah i mean it was fucking probably empty

[19:56] they used all that fuel to get up there they didn't have to use it to get back

[20:00] Yeah. So I don't know about you guys. I was a little frustrated because I don't really like

[20:06] it when a movie where you think one thing and then whoop whoop they switch it up on you and

[20:12] it turns out that this ghost thing probably never happened. They just threw that in there for you

[20:16] to get scared because I mean you think there was actually a ghost. You think there's ghosts.

[20:23] I think that she was crazy. What I was going to say is like crazy for ghosts. The thing I hated

[20:29] least. I'm not going to say the thing I like best. I would say the thing I hated least about the

[20:34] movie was actually the twist. The twist I felt like they played fair. I mean like at the beginning

[20:39] of the movie they set up this is a crazy person being released from her crazy person hospital

[20:45] and so why should we believe that anything that she thinks is the case. You know like they do

[20:51] the whole sixth sense thing where the sister is never addressed directly by anyone other than

[20:57] our main character and she's never looked at. That's fine. All that has been played

[21:05] you know pretty fair and you know in a better movie I think it would be

[21:10] a genuinely creepy ending where you're like oh man I invested all my feelings in this person

[21:16] and now they're a horrible murderer. Well because you went into it thinking it was going to be a

[21:19] ghost story but it was actually a murderer story. Well I guess you had to slash them up. At that

[21:25] point that's where they really they lose the audience or at least this audience which is that

[21:30] they didn't invest anything in the main character. She's not a person. She's just a cardboard cutout

[21:36] walking through scenes. Expositing? Exposing? Well the shittiness of the movie before the twist

[21:44] right you know fails the twist I feel like. I mean it is like it's a modern horror movie

[21:50] and modern horror movies have this sense that if they don't keep you constantly scared that you're

[21:57] not you're going to get bored and walk away from the movie. Like within the first five minutes you

[22:01] need to see a corpse falling out of a garbage bag. Right which you do yeah in this movie. You need

[22:06] to see blood shooting out of a lock. This movie starts out we should say with a crazy dream

[22:11] sequence that had Stewart being like what the fuck is what the fuck what kind of movie is this?

[22:16] That's actually an incredible impression of me Dan. My voice is as low as yours but

[22:22] yeah that's true. But yeah I was I was confused. I was like what am I watching?

[22:26] We're saddened. Who are these people? Where are we at? What season is this?

[22:32] Why are there so many bikinis? If it was a Friday the 13th sort of scenario that first five minutes

[22:39] one of those characters whoever we were watching would have been murdered by the bad guy and then

[22:43] that would propel us into the world of this terrible thing but instead it was just a dream

[22:47] sequence yeah filled with red herring. Yeah just like oh here's some unrelated uh scare moments. I

[22:55] mean the thing is like once you go through the movie yes they kind of tie up together but as just

[23:01] like a narrative device it's irritating to just start off with like okay well here's a bunch of

[23:07] unrelated money shots that then are going to immediately be revealed as sort of irrelevant

[23:15] right off the bat. And what uh what I mean she's she's describing this dream sequence to her

[23:22] psychologist. What psychologist is going to let somebody go when they're still having crazy

[23:27] nightmares regarding the incident that put them there in the first place? Bags full of corpses

[23:32] and exploding houses and dead moms. Yeah and then he's his parting words were yeah you just got to

[23:37] work through it. Well you did finish what you started girl. He told her to go out and kiss a

[23:41] boy so I think that that was really where he was trying to interject like she needs to really

[23:45] reclaim herself and go out and through sexuality right yeah if she could just whore it up a little

[23:52] bit uh she'll get past her demons. Yeah I mean she it's this lingering guilt about um getting a guy

[24:01] really turned on and then just not finishing it. Yeah that hurts for a guy Dan. Yeah maybe we should

[24:05] talk I mean in the very very the first scene uh she is making out with uh Matt the main male

[24:13] non-David Strathern Jason Statham lead and uh he says you know he really likes her and he has a

[24:20] condom and then she says she needs to go. So like that's that is a seduction technique it's like I

[24:26] really like you and I've got a kind of a condom. I also know how to use that condom just in case. I

[24:32] mean it shows that he yeah I mean in Matt's defense it shows that he put a little bit of

[24:37] effort into uh he's a gentleman he thinks you know he's a planner. Well that's I think again

[24:43] to be safe. No that's true it also means that he understands that uh when because he has genital

[24:50] herpes he needs to make some kind of measures to protect to protect the people he listens to his

[24:54] doctor he was really attentive to his doctor's uh direction and as a result. I mean it's not it

[25:01] wasn't inflamed that night but that doesn't mean he can't be safe. Yeah right you don't have to

[25:05] have a current outbreak. Yeah transmissible transmissible. I don't know what you're talking

[25:10] about. Oh man what a great great movie. You pointed out Stuart that um people in this film don't act

[25:19] like humans. They don't act like normal people like just like that was one of the things about

[25:24] the movie is. I did think it was a movie about aliens. People do not act like I the best example

[25:31] to my mind is the scene where uh our our heroine I still don't remember what her actual name was.

[25:39] Anna? Alex. Anna or Alex it's one of the two. One of the two. Well she uh let's call her A. She uh

[25:46] goes to the sheriff with her you know harebrained uh tale about uh you know the murderous nanny

[25:54] and um you know she tells the sheriff that the sheriff's like oh yeah yeah I remember that

[25:58] and then the sheriff's like you hang out here the sheriff leaves her in the room and as he leaves he

[26:04] turns the light out on her still sitting in the room. Because that's what you do when you are

[26:11] trying to go out and solve the case. Well that's what you do when you exit a room that someone's

[26:14] still sitting in. You're like okay well I want to save the electricity so you're okay just sitting

[26:21] in the dark right? Well I think in his defense in the sheriff's defense there's a lot of scenes

[26:26] in this movie that are really dark and there's a lot of scenes where people are doing things

[26:29] completely in the dark. Yeah you're thinking this is actually taking place in an alternate

[26:33] universe where people just hang out. Yeah they're like mole people or something. They have better

[26:38] vision than us regular humans or stewmans in my case. Whoa yeah I'm a stewman. I think I think we

[26:44] talked about the concept that there might have been a budget issue with this movie because like

[26:49] you know especially with this three uh three tiered uh pearl necklace being the like identifying

[26:56] you know necklace of the murderer they couldn't get something that was a little more like ornate

[27:00] and unique right like uh what is the the um titanic necklace the teardrop of heaven or whatever

[27:07] they call that thing you know like we just uh you know like um you and i were just talking about a

[27:13] boardwalk empire in the second episode like the the gentleman like gives his mother

[27:18] uh like a distinctive necklace very fancy and easy to recognize yeah like why would you if you're

[27:26] making a movie where like the idea is like oh okay well a necklace is going to be a key plot point

[27:30] let's make it the most boring like literally like the only thing they could have done that

[27:33] would have been more boring is if they just had like a plain gold chain with a cross on it like

[27:37] one of those tiny crosses i would advocate for a candy necklace okay i think that that would have

[27:42] been unique enough because it has multi-colors and then also maybe if the dead lady had taken

[27:49] one bite out of it but she never finished it off then there would be like a few pieces missing right

[27:53] so then you're like oh well that or teeth marks right or teeth marks that you could easily identify

[27:57] well and so yeah so they're already writing my screenplay there's like there's poor lighting

[28:02] dead lady candy necklace there's a crappy crappy props uh and no no named actors or actresses

[28:10] except for david strathairn and elizabeth banks yeah but the main characters like the daughters

[28:18] are sort of the replaceable teenage horror well and girls you know and it's one of these cases

[28:24] where the name actors you can tell why they're named actors because they were the best people in

[28:30] the film like they created a force really character it was chewing the scenery i think is with taking

[28:36] it too lightly with the nothing that they were given good night and good luck was okay i mean

[28:41] it was a it was a fine movie but i wouldn't call it a film but this movie i would call a film

[28:48] because jason states really brought it right he really did something much different than what he

[28:54] created a new human being it's like uh like a daniel day lewis performance yeah it's like giving

[28:59] birth yeah yeah amazing so another thing that i think we should address is ghost stories sure now

[29:08] you're really you're don't care for him you're really angry about ghost stories and i am too

[29:14] and one thing that i can say about this movie when you say you you're talking about the listeners at

[29:18] home right now i'm telling you steward oh shit one thing that i can say for this movie is at least

[29:25] the reveal sort of made the like the irritating ghost story elements about it more like palatable

[29:31] because you're like oh okay you know she was just like these are figments of her imagination

[29:35] that she is misinterpreting but up until that point i can only assume playing out like your

[29:41] typical ghost story that is really unimpressed right yeah i can only assume that she our heroine

[29:49] has watched a lot of like bad asian horror movies and so when she was driven her insane her psychosis

[29:56] like imagines these ghosts that they're only

[30:00] purposes to like tell her that somebody is a murderer right like there are these

[30:03] weirdly scary yet benevolent spirits yes it's ingrained in her head from watching

[30:08] all that jay whore is that like that's how absolutely happen

[30:11] yeah i like that what

[30:13] what does do

[30:14] is

[30:15] they scare people

[30:16] it's being better

[30:18] right yeah the learning should be at least they don't

[30:21] you don't

[30:23] they don't tell you you're a cop

[30:26] they don't tell you what they want you to do

[30:28] they figure that by like

[30:30] a concerted campaign of of scares

[30:33] you'll eventually figure out what they're trying to tell you

[30:36] well i don't like beetlejuice yeah i mean that's how i got you to quit smoking

[30:40] was i just kept showing up in your house with blood dripping out of my eyes

[30:43] and screaming murder and then i would run out before you could figure out was i asleep

[30:48] or was john actually in my house screaming murder with blood all over him

[30:52] yeah i mean how long did it take you to climb up into the corner of the ceiling

[30:56] and just perched there until dan got up to go to the bathroom yeah it's a real pickle

[31:00] i'm not gonna lie it's not an easy task to get up there i didn't mean to ask you about this

[31:04] because i thought that that restraining order i put on you

[31:07] was still in effect you can't do that to a ghost dan you can't put a restraining order on him

[31:11] that's where you need spirit cops cop cops aren't going to be able to stop a spirit so

[31:16] it's a legally really complex

[31:19] well

[31:20] you have to get a lawyer with a ouija board

[31:23] sure

[31:24] contact the spirit cops

[31:26] oh so speaking of ouija boards because this actually this really pissed me off

[31:30] uh... very early in the movie they talk about a chalkboard

[31:34] yep and they make a big stink about the chalkboard and they even have a scene

[31:38] where uh... emma like browning remember how mom always used to leave us messages on the chalkboard

[31:43] she would write us notes that would tell us things that were important

[31:47] and then they like put the chalkboard up and then it's never brought up again

[31:50] why couldn't they just have had one scene with some ghost chalk

[31:53] you have to figure that that

[31:55] did pay off and like this movie was less than 90 minutes

[32:01] right it had to pay off but the thing is like

[32:04] if they cut the payoff why was there still the scene of them walking around talking about a chalkboard

[32:09] right

[32:10] cut it all

[32:11] or leave it all in

[32:12] i think they really liked expository dialogue like that

[32:16] uh... and they didn't really care about the payoff itself but they wanted people to think

[32:20] like oh my god

[32:22] because that was the whole thing the entire ghost story was a red herring so they wanted to throw as many little like

[32:27] hey there's a fucking ghost like this to the viewer and then be like

[32:30] psych no ghost at all crazy person

[32:34] or maybe they were trying to sell the tie-in uninvited chalkboards

[32:39] which you bought one of

[32:41] i thought it was going to be a collector's thing but uh... then it turned out that america hated it

[32:48] dan took a lot of notes during the movie on his uninvited chalkboard

[32:53] well i gotta get my use out of that

[32:56] it wasn't even that good of a chalkboard though

[33:00] it's made out of plastic the chalk won't stick

[33:02] it's not slate so

[33:04] look guys i'm sorry i didn't get the consumer reports issue about chalkboards

[33:07] i apologize for not being a good consumer

[33:12] it was just really uncomfortable

[33:15] so anywho

[33:17] i don't even know i don't think there's much more to say about this movie

[33:20] there were a lot of bikinis

[33:21] yeah i'll give it a thumbs up in the bikinis department there was a scene where our lead actress

[33:26] was uh... hanging around in a

[33:29] polka dotted bra which you don't usually see i mean she was like lying on bed drugged and then

[33:34] reaching for a butcher knife i wouldn't consider that hanging out

[33:39] by the way as you pointed out

[33:40] yeah there was a you know elizabeth banks gets killed by a butcher knife

[33:45] because

[33:46] i guess

[33:47] uh... there was just a butcher knife on the nightstand

[33:51] it was a bedtime butcher knife

[33:55] i think a lot of people sleep with a butcher knife next to their bed

[33:58] i would just say if you're

[34:00] if you were crazy daughters coming back from the sanitarium

[34:04] maybe stop putting butcher knives on nightstands

[34:08] but if you consistently give your crazy daughter or stepdaughter a rack of lamb

[34:14] to eat as a midnight snack

[34:16] then you need to give her something to cut that rack of lamb with

[34:19] uh... so i think there's uh... there's pros and cons to it there's a lot of midnight meat eating

[34:24] also a lot of midnight meat trains coming through

[34:28] uh... also i think an important lesson we can all take from this movie

[34:33] is that if uh...

[34:35] if you have a daughter that's in a mental institution

[34:38] possibly involved with the death of your wife because of an explosion

[34:42] leave her there

[34:43] yeah or if she comes home

[34:45] why don't you uh...

[34:46] make a little more effort to deal with her

[34:48] because her dad seemed to really not care that much

[34:50] yeah that's true i mean i'm not saying he was cold but he didn't really make that much

[34:54] uh... there weren't a lot of scenes of him interacting

[34:57] stewart he had

[34:58] just finished his big book so

[35:01] he's probably pretty concerned with his book i'm not a writer

[35:05] okay

[35:06] uh... but i mean come on what's the what how long does it take to write a book like a

[35:11] couple of days

[35:12] probably probably but you know that yeah i mean how many minutes are there in a day

[35:16] i mean if you figure if you can write a page a minute

[35:19] yeah

[35:20] it'll be done in no time

[35:21] i mean it's just telling a story i mean come on that's how hemingway did it

[35:25] page a minute done send that to the publisher

[35:28] yeah hammer it out

[35:29] yep get that shit done go back to drinking and go back to petting your

[35:32] three toed cats or whatever he has

[35:35] or just five toed cats i don't know

[35:37] there were some toes there's either one fewer or one more

[35:40] go to the keys you can find out

[35:43] hang out with those cats

[35:44] so time for final judgments i think okay so what do we do here

[35:49] we make a final judgment on the movie whether it was a good bad movie

[35:54] a bad bad movie

[35:56] or a movie that we actually

[35:58] liked in some way

[36:00] uh... john where do you go with this i'm going to definitely say that was a bad

[36:03] bad movie

[36:06] uh...

[36:07] you care to elaborate uh... you know i

[36:10] what specifically made it a bad bad movie

[36:12] well so i was thinking about the concept of the ghost movie right like and i

[36:16] can't remember the name i think it's the haunting the nicole kidman remake of

[36:20] another movie the others

[36:23] that's a great like reveal ghost movie i'm not going to say what happens

[36:27] because you know

[36:28] some people might not have seen it

[36:30] uh... but darth vader is luke's father oh wow

[36:34] and

[36:35] i knew it

[36:37] but that was a really good reveal ghost movie and i felt like that was

[36:40] something where i was uh... invested in the characters i really enjoyed it

[36:43] and this i just didn't care about anybody or anything was happening and

[36:46] then it ended

[36:48] and i thought huh

[36:49] this movie's over

[36:51] yeah i

[36:53] i'll say bad bad movie i mean i actually enjoyed watching this movie more than

[36:58] many because like

[37:00] it was like eighty years long and it went along in a good yeah it was eighty it was

[37:04] like it was so short

[37:06] and there were

[37:08] women in it that were cute in some scenes and weird looking in other scenes

[37:12] just like in life

[37:14] but that distracted me at least uh... but yeah by and large

[37:18] i would not recommend that anyone check it out

[37:23] uh... yeah

[37:24] uh... i knew going into it was going to be some kind of a ghost movie i knew i

[37:28] wasn't going to like it and uh... i was right

[37:31] and by the way can we say that a tale of two sisters

[37:35] a movie that many horror fans

[37:38] love

[37:39] but stewart and i agree

[37:41] is uh... tremendously

[37:43] dull

[37:44] yeah i'll back that up i mean that's basically what this movie was right

[37:47] yeah this is a remake i don't remember it too well because it was really boring

[37:52] and

[37:52] yeah i mean i can't i don't want to read a book when i watch a movie

[37:55] subtitles come on get out of here no that's not what we're saying

[37:59] if you're going to watch a korean horror movie watch something like the host where there's like a big

[38:02] goofy monster yeah thumbs up to that

[38:04] so yeah this is a bad bad movie

[38:07] and

[38:08] i don't know

[38:10] i don't quite know how i feel that the movie totally i hate unreliable

[38:13] narrators

[38:15] and i don't quite know how i feel when it changed from being a crappy ghost story

[38:19] to a crappy crazy killer movie

[38:22] but uh...

[38:23] yeah it wasn't very good i didn't like it

[38:27] could have used more boobs

[38:29] seeing as if there were none in the movie

[38:31] yeah it was PG-13 i mean there could have been way like if you're going to have a movie

[38:34] with corpses in bags

[38:36] you could have stepped it up to an R rating or at least increase the bust size of the

[38:40] girls in the bikinis so that you're seeing more boob without breaking the

[38:44] rating code absolutely i agree with that

[38:47] just more skin more skin

[38:49] see it's moments like these that i'm amazed at our dedicated female

[38:53] listenership and david straithairn

[38:55] yeah he could have gone topless or bottomless

[38:59] you know for the ladies

[39:01] i mean he and matt could have had a game of like

[39:03] you know like touch football on the beach hide the pickle he's ruggedly

[39:07] handsome in the fatherly sort of way

[39:10] matt

[39:12] that's what i'm talking about

[39:13] uh... so this is the point

[39:15] in the podcast where we

[39:18] make our movie recommendations a movie that

[39:21] you would say uh... the audience should watch say instead of the uninvited and

[39:26] because this is again shocktober

[39:30] i'm gonna go uh... i'm gonna say that we should make some horror movie

[39:33] recommendations

[39:35] stewart clearly didn't walk in with anything so i'm gonna go with i'm gonna go to

[39:39] john first i've got one so uh... you actually asked me earlier and i didn't

[39:43] realize we were supposed to give good movie recommendations no it can be a it can be a

[39:46] it can be a bad movie that's actually enjoyable in it's badness

[39:50] rather than something like the uninvited which is boring in it's badness so uh... the movie

[39:54] i was going to recommend is satan's blade uh... good luck finding a copy uh... i stumbled

[39:59] upon it when

[40:00] I was 13, and I rented the movie Glory,

[40:02] starring Matthew Broderick and Denzel Washington,

[40:05] got home, put it in the VCR,

[40:07] and it was in fact Satan's Blade.

[40:09] That's what's supposed to happen.

[40:11] This is a sort of magical thing, by the way,

[40:12] that can happen in the days of VHS.

[40:15] And my dad was at work, and I was like,

[40:16] well, I'm gonna go definitely with Satan's Blade.

[40:20] Knife murderer on the ski slopes.

[40:23] Very few actual stabbings, but a lot of bare breasts.

[40:29] So for a 13-year-old boy, you really,

[40:32] if you're a 13-year-old boy listening to Flophouse,

[40:34] go rent that movie.

[40:35] Okay, yeah, that sounds fair.

[40:39] I'm gonna recommend a movie that actually

[40:42] stars a friend of mine,

[40:47] someone that you also know, Mr. John Kingman.

[40:50] I'm gonna recommend the movie Sandman.

[40:53] Oh, I know that guy.

[40:53] Which is spelled S ampersand man.

[40:58] S and man.

[41:00] Yeah, but it's one of these stupid spellings,

[41:04] we call them in the business, where it means sand man.

[41:08] And it's directed by J.T. Petty,

[41:11] a gentleman who I've met a couple of times,

[41:15] I don't know that well,

[41:15] but is a nice guy who directed some other horror movies,

[41:21] one called The Burrowers and one called Soft for Digging.

[41:25] But it is ostensibly a documentary

[41:30] about underground horror movies

[41:35] and people who are making very low-budget horror movies

[41:39] that shade into the area of sort of like

[41:41] horror fetish films.

[41:44] And it also has commentary from a lot of

[41:47] sort of horror scholars.

[41:51] But there is another element of the film

[41:55] that I'm not gonna ruin for people who haven't seen the film

[41:59] because it's best to be discovered on its own terms.

[42:06] But a good friend of mine is in the movie

[42:09] and that's all I'm gonna say about that.

[42:12] But it's fun, it's genuinely creepy,

[42:15] and it's like 70 minutes long.

[42:17] The New York Times actually gave it a very nice write-up

[42:19] that you shouldn't read because it also sort of gives away.

[42:23] Yeah.

[42:24] Yeah.

[42:24] Yeah, I remember watching it with you

[42:26] in like a fucking like a basement or something.

[42:29] Yeah, well.

[42:29] That was actually, I think, the best way to see it.

[42:32] Because you didn't, yeah, you walk into it,

[42:34] you have no idea what it's gonna be.

[42:35] Yeah.

[42:36] Yeah, I think that was because a friend, Eric, he.

[42:41] It was like four years ago, though.

[42:43] Well, like the deal was with the movie

[42:45] was it played at the Toronto Film Festival

[42:49] and it got some nice write-ups at the Toronto Film Festival,

[42:52] but as often happens of movies at film festivals,

[42:54] you just didn't get it picked up for distribution.

[42:56] And so like he's been looking,

[42:59] they've been looking for like modes of distribution

[43:01] since then and now it's finally, you know,

[43:04] gotten a DVD release and you can get it on Netflix.

[43:07] So S ampersand man, Sandman, my recommendation.

[43:13] Oh man, yeah, I can't like,

[43:17] I've recommended so many horror movies on these things

[43:19] that I can't use my fucking brain Rolodex

[43:22] to think of all of them.

[43:23] And go-to's.

[43:23] I am, on a kind of a similar vein,

[43:26] I watched a movie called The Last Horror Movie

[43:31] a little while ago, which is, you know,

[43:36] the movie begins like any dime a dozen

[43:40] like horror slasher movie.

[43:42] And then, you know, it looks like the film's breaking

[43:45] or something, or like somebody recorded over it.

[43:48] And it starts, it turns out that it's this guy

[43:52] has like recorded over this VHS cassette

[43:54] and he's like a serial killer or something.

[43:57] And he, you know, has recorded his movies

[44:00] of him killing people.

[44:01] And then he like returns it to the video store.

[44:03] So for you to find, and I remember liking it enough.

[44:09] Yeah, so go check it out.

[44:11] I can't remember how it ends, so I won't spoil it for you.

[44:13] I wanna say on a similar vein,

[44:14] I remember when I was a kid reading a short story

[44:17] that was like about a guy who, you know,

[44:20] like he was like a violent criminal

[44:21] who like escaped from jail.

[44:24] And like, you know, it's this narrative story,

[44:27] but then it talks of like, at the end,

[44:28] it talks about how like this guy has,

[44:33] wants to prove himself to this other killer.

[44:35] Like, and he's gonna do it by like killing,

[44:38] killing someone at random.

[44:39] And he's inserted the story into like a magazine

[44:44] or a book or whatever.

[44:45] And like the idea is like, okay, this guy's following you

[44:48] as you're reading the story and he's gonna kill you.

[44:50] And I have no idea what the name of this short story is.

[44:53] Like it sort of haunted me for like years afterwards.

[44:56] So if anyone, if anyone recognizes what I'm outlining

[45:01] and knows the name of the story, you should write in.

[45:04] Incident on Battle Creek Bridge.

[45:06] Yeah, that's what it's called.

[45:08] It's by Ambrose Pierce.

[45:09] It's actually about the Civil War.

[45:12] Sure.

[45:14] Incident at Oglala, I think is the,

[45:16] about the Indian Reservation shooting.

[45:18] Sure.

[45:19] It's called The Necklace.

[45:21] Oh.

[45:22] It's by Guy de Maupassant.

[45:24] Yeah, I like it.

[45:25] The Necklace?

[45:25] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[45:28] If anyone has an idea or if anyone just wants to write in,

[45:31] because we haven't gotten a lot of emails lately,

[45:34] write into theflophousepodcast at gmail.com

[45:38] and let me know or just say something else

[45:42] that you wanna say.

[45:43] Awesome.

[45:45] So yeah, guys, I think that's it.

[45:48] I've had a good time, have you?

[45:50] No, not really.

[45:51] Okay.

[45:52] I enjoyed myself greatly.

[45:53] Oh, that's cool.

[45:54] So we should sign off.

[45:56] For The Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[45:59] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[46:00] And I've been John Kingman.

[46:03] Good night.

[46:03] Yay!

[46:04] Spooky sound!

[46:07] Ah!

[46:10] Ah!

[46:11] Ah!

[46:12] Ah!

[46:13] Ah!

[46:14] Ah!

[46:15] Ah!

[46:16] Ah!

[46:17] Ah!

[46:18] Ah!

[46:19] Is it gonna be a problem that we all are deadpan,

[46:22] dry, base-y deliveries of things?

[46:25] Uh, I can talk like this, guys!

[46:28] People are gonna listen to this,

[46:29] and there'll be one guy just sat in a room

[46:31] for the entire night,

[46:32] talking to himself.

[46:33] One guy.

[46:34] One guy did all those voices back there.

[46:35] I know.

[46:36] That's the reveal.

The Flop House: Episode #67 - The Uninvited

Transcript

Description