The Flop House: Episode #68 - Teen Witch

Dan McCoy

[0:00] At the request of our contest winner, we discuss Teen Witch.

[0:30] Teen Witch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] Yeah, well, it's tough. It's lonely at the top of Twitter.

Dan McCoy

[1:05] So Gawker identified you as a celebrity on Twitter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07] Yeah, I was surprised by that. Apparently on par with Shaquille O'Neal.

Dan McCoy

[1:11] Are you sure they did not think that you were the character Elliot from the film E.T.?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16] They probably don't.

Dan McCoy

[1:18] Or perhaps Kato Kaelin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] I don't think so.

[1:21] All right.

[1:21] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22] Is he spelled the same?

[1:24] You've now joined...

[1:24] No, it's not.

[1:26] What, Kato?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] No, no. Kaelin, the way he spells it is different from the way we spell it.

[1:29] Then Kato, though.

[1:31] Kato is spelled the same as the character Kato.

[1:34] Well, I mean, Kato is his nickname. It wasn't his real name.

[1:37] Really?

[1:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38] Well, why do people call him that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:39] I actually don't know how he got the nickname.

[1:41] Okay, let's continue.

Dan McCoy

[1:42] But you've now joined Aaron Sorkin as literally the only television writer who is also a celebrity.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] No.

[1:50] Also, listed by Gawker was my office mate Hallie Haglund.

[1:53] Okay.

[1:53] Also a television writer.

[1:54] Mm-hmm.

[1:55] Okay.

[1:55] And Dick Wolf, I feel, has some celebrity-ish things about him.

[1:59] Okay, I guess so.

[2:00] For a while, Stephen Jay Cannell until he passed away.

[2:03] That's true.

[2:04] Stephen Bochco.

[2:06] Okay.

[2:07] Tom Fontana.

Stuart Wellington

[2:08] Man, he's showing you up, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[2:09] So you're putting yourself on...

[2:10] I am above them.

[2:11] Same tier.

[2:12] I'm above all of those guys, yes.

[2:14] Now that you're a celebrity, are you going to start canoodling with people?

[2:17] Oh, I already have been.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] I've been sighted at the 21 Club and the Coconut Club.

Dan McCoy

[2:21] Wow.

[2:21] I like the scarf you're wearing.

[2:23] Yeah.

[2:23] You've been sighted at the Brown Derby.

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] Yes.

[2:27] The scarf, thank you for noticing, I've had to accessorize a lot more as a celebrity.

[2:30] So the scarf, the denim jacket, the sunglasses, the rings.

[2:34] It always seems to be windy.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:35] Windy where you're at.

[2:36] Well, that's part of being famous is there's always a slight breeze.

Stuart Wellington

[2:39] Yeah.

[2:40] Or you're just going places quickly.

[2:42] That's true.

[2:43] Because you're so busy.

[2:44] Well, um...

[2:45] Speaking of busy...

Elliott Kalan

[2:46] Yeah, I somehow made it onto that Gawker page and I don't quite know why or...

Stuart Wellington

[2:50] Ziggy, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] Really?

[2:52] It's Ziggy that took me over the top.

[2:54] Three years later?

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] How long ago was that?

[2:56] I tell him there's no meaning inside of here.

[2:59] And inside of this MP3 player.

Dan McCoy

[3:01] And of course, casually referring to Ziggy, we of course mean when you starred in the adaptation

[3:05] of Ziggy.

[3:06] Yeah, yeah.

[3:07] On Broadway.

Stuart Wellington

[3:08] When you played Ziggy from The Wire in that high school recreation of the second

[3:13] season of The Wire?

[3:14] Well, I did.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] It was a one-man show in which I played the comics for character Ziggy, the wire character

[3:18] Ziggy, and Ziggy Marley.

[3:19] Okay.

[3:20] And at the end, there was a surprise appearance by Ziggy Stardust, played by myself.

Stuart Wellington

[3:26] That was really a surprise.

Elliott Kalan

[3:29] I wasn't expecting that.

[3:29] And we played the audience out of the theater.

[3:32] Me and the spiders from Mars, played by myself.

[3:36] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[3:37] That was an amazing production.

[3:39] Yeah.

[3:39] I was honored.

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] I deserved that, Tony.

[3:42] That I didn't win.

Dan McCoy

[3:44] Energy.

[3:45] One word.

Elliott Kalan

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:48] It's too bad I couldn't bottle that.

[3:50] Yeah, if you could.

Stuart Wellington

[3:51] Straight to the moon.

Dan McCoy

[3:54] Yep.

[3:56] Well, in honor of us all being together for the first time in over a month.

[4:00] A decade, I think.

[4:01] Yeah, over a decade.

[4:03] You look great, though.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] Thank you.

[4:05] You too.

[4:05] Yeah, you guys both look great.

[4:07] I hope we have time to catch up.

[4:08] See how we...

[4:10] You're right.

[4:11] I was just flattering you.

[4:12] You've aged horribly.

[4:14] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[4:14] The last time we all saw each other, I think, was when Flophouse Mania was in full swing.

[4:19] Oh, yeah.

[4:19] And we were at each other's throats.

[4:21] There was so much tension.

Elliott Kalan

[4:22] Well, I wanted the Flophouse to go in this one direction.

[4:24] Living in the limelight like that.

[4:25] Well, what direction did you want the Flophouse to go in?

Stuart Wellington

[4:27] A lot more pornos instead of normal movies.

[4:31] And instead of recording a podcast, I wanted to masturbate as a group.

[4:37] We tried it.

[4:38] We tried it once.

[4:39] It was a little...

Dan McCoy

[4:39] During our experimental phase.

[4:41] It was a little uncomfortable.

[4:42] I mean, even after we set up those Asian-style screens between the three of us.

[4:46] Yeah.

[4:46] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[4:47] Well, I mean, those were less Asian-style screens and more empty window frames.

[4:53] With no glass in them.

[4:54] You could see right through.

Dan McCoy

[4:55] I was barely able to finish to completion.

Stuart Wellington

[4:59] Oh, because for me, it was difficult controlling my ejaculate.

[5:02] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:03] You had to think of so much baseball.

[5:05] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[5:06] All the stats, the players' abilities.

Elliott Kalan

[5:08] The different uniforms and costumes throughout the years.

Stuart Wellington

[5:11] The mascots.

[5:12] A lot of Lenny Dykstra's face.

Elliott Kalan

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:16] I find that to delay, I just think of the Utz potato chips ad at Yankee Stadium.

[5:21] And that helps me out a lot.

Dan McCoy

[5:22] I thought you were going to say you think of the Utz potato chip girl.

[5:25] The little cartoon.

[5:26] I'm not a pedophile.

Elliott Kalan

[5:27] Come on.

[5:27] That's why you say to delay.

Dan McCoy

[5:29] I would horrify myself.

[5:31] Yeah, but if you combine the two.

[5:32] No, no, no.

[5:33] He wants to delay.

[5:34] He doesn't want to.

Elliott Kalan

[5:35] I think of the Utz potato chips logo.

[5:37] Okay.

[5:37] And what it looks like when I'm at Yankee Stadium.

[5:40] I see.

[5:42] So, yeah, we were fighting a lot.

[5:43] Yeah.

[5:44] We're not anymore.

[5:44] If that doesn't work, there's the Ray Katina used car billboard that you see when you're

[5:49] driving into the city.

Dan McCoy

[5:51] That is very specific.

[5:52] Well.

[5:53] I mean, I live in the New York area, and I still don't know what you're talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] Well, you can go look for it.

[6:02] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[6:03] So.

[6:04] It'll be a flop house scavenger.

[6:05] Now people know where we're at.

[6:08] Yeah.

[6:08] We haven't.

[6:09] We've never referenced recording this in New York before.

[6:13] Sure.

[6:14] So.

[6:15] But we're all together, and that meant we had to do something special.

[6:19] Yeah.

[6:20] Or, more accurately, we kept putting off doing something special until we could all get together.

[6:26] And that special thing is to talk about our contest winning film.

[6:33] The, you've probably all forgotten.

[6:35] Wait, wait, hold up.

Elliott Kalan

[6:36] You were implying that the film won a contest.

[6:38] Yeah, we watched Black Swan, right?

[6:42] All right.

[6:43] Sorry.

[6:43] We watched the Saturn award winning film.

Stuart Wellington

[6:47] The Sci-Fi Channel original.

[6:49] Anticore.

[6:52] Crocosaurus.

[6:53] To reset this for the audience.

Dan McCoy

[6:54] That's what we call Dinacroc.

[6:55] That has both forgotten that this ever happened and gotten confused by our stream of gibberish.

Stuart Wellington

[7:01] That's different than Croc Diner, by the way.

[7:02] All right, come on.

[7:03] I'm trying to.

[7:04] The diner where they serve crocodiles?

[7:05] No, it's the one that crocodiles work at a diner.

[7:08] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[7:09] And then they go back to the swamp after their shift.

[7:11] That's a real tour.

[7:12] Not very successful.

[7:13] It's a tourist trap.

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] Taking off the apron, throwing it over the apron hook as they slither back into the swamp.

Dan McCoy

[7:17] I mean, the problem with that place is once you get over the novelty of the crocodiles working there, the food is just not very good.

[7:22] No, they're not good at all.

[7:23] Sure.

[7:24] And they'll eat you.

[7:26] But what happened is we had a contest a while back, and the prize was that the winner would get to choose a film for us to talk about.

[7:36] And it was a transparent ploy to allow us to watch a movie that wasn't new, perhaps a classic bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[7:45] Or a good movie.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:47] They could have chosen Castle of Light, the Godfather, any of those movies.

[7:53] Big Money Rustlers.

[7:55] Anything.

[7:55] Literally anything.

[7:57] Any movie.

Dan McCoy

[7:58] Yeah.

[7:59] But the person chose Teen Witch.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] Teen Witch.

[8:03] Teen Witch?

[8:04] Teen Witch.

[8:05] Teen Witch.

[8:05] It's a sandwich made out of teens.

[8:06] Okay.

[8:07] I like where you're going with this.

[8:10] I like mine without mayo.

[8:11] Okay.

[8:12] Virginia mayo.

[8:13] No.

Dan McCoy

[8:18] Okay, well, now that that's out of our system.

[8:22] I don't think it is.

[8:23] I hope.

Elliott Kalan

[8:23] I think it'll come back.

Stuart Wellington

[8:25] Yeah, I don't think Dan's driving anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[8:28] No, there is no driving.

[8:29] Yeah, we watched the movie Teen Witch.

[8:30] No, the driver's either missing or dead.

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] Yeah, I think it was a movie about a teenager who, you guys can correct me, finds out that she's...

[8:40] You're on solid ground so far.

[8:41] Yep.

[8:41] She finds out she's a witch from...

Dan McCoy

[8:44] Zelda Rubenstein.

[8:45] Yep.

[8:45] Or Stein.

[8:46] I don't know how it's pronounced.

Stuart Wellington

[8:47] And she uses her witch powers to give herself all of the things her heart desires.

Dan McCoy

[8:54] Well, let's talk about this character.

Stuart Wellington

[8:55] With literally no problems.

[8:56] Her name is Louise Miller.

[8:58] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[8:58] She's played by Robin Lively, who is somehow related to Blake Lively.

[9:03] Mm-hmm.

[9:04] It's a piece of trivia.

[9:05] Conjoined twins, I believe.

[9:06] It's a piece of trivia that I know, but I don't know well.

[9:08] I've actually never seen them in the same room together, so I think they're the same person.

[9:12] Wow.

[9:13] So you're saying she used her teen witch powers to stay forever young.

[9:16] That was a movie, Dan.

[9:17] Come on.

[9:19] Yeah, what the fuck do you think we are?

[9:20] Like, crazy people?

[9:21] Do you think Alf is real?

[9:23] Like, what are you...

[9:24] No, Forever Young was a movie, but I'm saying that Robin Lively used her teen witch powers.

Elliott Kalan

[9:28] Forever Young was a great movie based on a song of the same name.

[9:33] What?

[9:33] Wait, The Man Without a Face?

[9:35] No, no, no.

[9:36] That was based on a different song.

[9:39] So...

Stuart Wellington

[9:40] So, Louise Miller...

[9:41] Wait, wait, wait.

[9:41] Are we just going to jump over the fact that Dan thinks this movie is real life?

[9:46] Dan thought it was a documentary about a real witch.

[9:48] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[9:48] No, it was American Teen Witch, right?

[9:51] That's what we watched?

Elliott Kalan

[9:52] Well, that's a teen witch with American cheese on it.

[9:53] Oh, yeah.

[9:57] So, Teen Witch, Louise Miller, she's very unpopular.

[10:01] She's got one friend who wears hats all the time.

[10:03] And she has a brother...

[10:05] Awesome, I think her name is...

[10:05] She has a younger brother who is some sort of ambisexual glutton.

Dan McCoy

[10:09] Yeah.

[10:09] Yeah, he wore a lot of vests.

[10:11] A portly irritant with a lesbian mullet.

[10:17] With a flair for fashion.

Elliott Kalan

[10:18] Yeah.

[10:19] And she has a crush...

[10:21] Kind of a Drew Barrymore-like-a-look, if you ask me.

[10:23] I think you're the only one who saw that in him.

[10:26] No, it's there.

[10:26] So, she has a crush on Brad, the football player.

[10:31] Oh, okay.

[10:32] That Brad.

[10:33] Yeah.

[10:34] Brad from Rocky Horror.

[10:35] Yeah.

[10:35] Brad Bird, director of The Incredibles.

[10:37] Brad Garrett?

[10:38] Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond, yeah.

[10:43] But she can't get a break.

[10:46] The popular girl lives across the street from her.

[10:49] She's got that big, ugly coat that she has to wear.

[10:51] She wears a lot of big, ugly coats and ugly sweaters.

[10:53] Every one of the movies wears ugly coats.

Dan McCoy

[10:55] She was sentenced to wear it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:57] Yeah, kids were.

[10:58] Well, it's a Harrison Bergeron type thing.

[10:59] Yeah.

[11:00] She has two beautiful shoulders.

[11:01] Yeah.

[11:02] So, they make her wear a giant coat.

[11:03] A giant boxy coat.

[11:05] Mm-hmm.

[11:05] To hide them.

[11:06] She is caught in a storm one night.

[11:08] Right?

[11:09] Or maybe it was just nighttime.

Stuart Wellington

[11:10] Wasn't Zach Galligan in that Harrison Bergeron movie?

Elliott Kalan

[11:13] The one for Showtime?

[11:14] Yeah.

[11:14] Or Cinemax?

[11:15] Showtime.

[11:16] Yeah, one of the two.

[11:17] I never saw it.

[11:18] She gets...

Dan McCoy

[11:19] I think there was a single lightning strike.

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] So, she runs for shelter at the haunted-looking home of a fortune teller played by Legend of Zelda Rubenstein.

[11:29] And she tells her, you're a witch.

[11:32] You'll turn 16 next week and your witch powers are going to show up.

[11:35] She turns 16.

[11:37] Her birthday party is ruined because there's another party that night.

[11:39] So, none of her friends show up.

[11:40] Even her best friend who calls to tell her that the other party is going on.

[11:44] But she gets her witch powers.

[11:46] Bum, bum, bum.

[11:48] Mm-hmm.

[11:48] And she uses them to briefly turn her brother into a dog and make her mean English teacher strip in front of the class.

[11:56] Okay.

[11:56] Played by Shelly Berman.

Dan McCoy

[11:58] Yeah.

[11:58] Hilarious.

[11:59] She uses it to win a rap battle.

Elliott Kalan

[12:02] Well, to help her friend win a rap battle.

[12:04] I'd say she won it.

[12:05] To win the heart of her own crush in the already classic song Top That.

[12:11] Mm-hmm.

[12:12] And then she becomes really popular.

[12:13] She makes herself the most popular girl in school.

[12:15] Brad loves her now.

Stuart Wellington

[12:17] She gets the lucky coat from the singer of...

Elliott Kalan

[12:20] Never Gonna Be the Same Again?

[12:21] Yeah, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[12:22] She learns that popularity has a price.

[12:25] What price?

[12:25] I'm not really clear on because it doesn't seem that bad.

[12:28] Lack of privacy, I guess.

[12:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:30] And her one friend doesn't like her anymore.

[12:32] Yeah, she becomes so popular.

Dan McCoy

[12:33] Holding up signs with your name.

Stuart Wellington

[12:35] She becomes so popular it becomes almost like a worldwide celebrity thing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] Yeah, I wish that they had just done a montage of like they release a postage stamp with her face on it.

[12:43] Time name's her teen of the year.

[12:45] You know.

[12:46] Most popular girl.

[12:47] Yeah, she's elected president briefly.

[12:49] Then ambassador to the UN.

Dan McCoy

[12:51] But I mean popularity has its advantages too, right?

[12:54] There's a comic book made about her, the teen president.

Elliott Kalan

[12:56] Teen president, yeah.

[12:57] And then Aliens Land, just want to meet her, shake her hand, then they leave.

[13:01] You know.

Dan McCoy

[13:01] What kind of Aliens?

Elliott Kalan

[13:03] Let's go, let's say female aliens.

[13:06] Wow.

[13:07] Yeah, I like what it's going to do.

[13:09] Well, there's a lot of legs in this movie.

[13:11] Yeah.

[13:11] There's a lot of teen girls showing, or actresses who are supposed to be teens in the movie, showing their legs off.

Dan McCoy

[13:16] Yeah.

[13:17] But we'll get back to that.

Stuart Wellington

[13:19] Oh, will we?

[13:20] We'll creep you out, listeners.

[13:21] So being popular also had, it wasn't all disadvantages though, right?

[13:23] No, no, no.

[13:23] It wasn't all like a trail of tears.

[13:25] No.

[13:25] It had its moments.

Elliott Kalan

[13:26] It was not the forced migration of Native Americans from their homes.

[13:30] It was much happier.

[13:31] By the Andrew Jackson administration.

[13:33] No.

[13:35] I believe.

[13:36] I mean, she gets the love for life.

[13:39] Yeah, Brad.

[13:40] She learns how to dress like Cindy Lauper.

[13:41] They go to an abandoned house and make the shit out.

Dan McCoy

[13:44] Yeah, they do a lot of making out.

[13:45] Do they just make out?

[13:46] Or like, it seems almost implied that they make love.

Elliott Kalan

[13:50] Maybe.

[13:50] I mean, you never, they always have their shirts on and you never see them do anything more

[13:53] than kiss.

Dan McCoy

[13:54] Well, Brad doesn't.

[13:54] Brad takes his shirt off.

Elliott Kalan

[13:55] But he's still wearing a black undershirt.

[13:57] Yeah, he's got like a, I mean, it's slipped down to like all the way to the side.

[14:00] They're doing some serious tongue kissing though.

[14:01] There was real tongue kissing.

[14:02] That was not stunt kissing.

[14:04] Yeah.

[14:04] His tongue you can see go into her mouth.

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:08] It was.

[14:08] Full penetration.

Stuart Wellington

[14:10] He was looking for something in there.

[14:12] Yeah.

[14:12] I would wager.

Elliott Kalan

[14:13] Probably a hidden treasure.

[14:14] Or the secret to her witch powers.

[14:16] Sure.

[14:16] Or the secret of Witch Mountain.

[14:19] No, they wouldn't escape from that.

Stuart Wellington

[14:21] He wasn't able to, I don't think he was able to steal either of those things though.

[14:24] I mean, he didn't come up with a DVD, The Secret of Witch Mountain.

[14:28] Nor did he seem to get any medical powers from his making out.

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] It's escape to Witch Mountain.

[14:32] So Witch Mountain is like a retreat you go to when life just gets a little too hectic.

[14:36] Yeah.

[14:37] Oh, I've got to escape to Witch Mountain.

Stuart Wellington

[14:39] The key thing about it is it's a lot like an abandoned house on the top of the hill surrounded

[14:42] by sunflowers.

Elliott Kalan

[14:43] Yeah.

[14:44] Well, actually that's exactly what it is.

[14:46] So what does she do?

[14:49] She goes to Zilda Rubinstein who previously has used Louise's powers to turn a frog into

[14:55] a man that she, it's implied, rapes.

Dan McCoy

[15:00] And she's used her powers to redo her house in a horrible, ultra-modern style.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] Well, Louise feels bad.

[15:09] She refuses to go to the dance with Brad.

[15:11] But then at the dance, she goes, she takes off her amulet, which was just stage costumery

[15:17] but apparently has magic powers now.

[15:19] And Brad dances with her.

[15:21] Roll credits.

[15:22] Really doesn't...

[15:23] Everything's resolved without being resolved.

[15:25] Nothing's resolved.

[15:26] And she has made...

[15:28] There's a whole subplot where her only real friend among the faculty is the theater teacher played

[15:34] by Marsha Wallace.

[15:35] Because of a wish that...

Dan McCoy

[15:36] You may know as the voice of Mrs. Krabappel on The Simpsons.

Elliott Kalan

[15:39] Yes.

[15:40] Because of a witch that Louise made, the theater teacher...

[15:44] A witch?

[15:45] A witch.

[15:46] Because of a witch that she made.

[15:48] Yeah.

[15:48] To keep the witch hunters off her trail.

[15:50] Like a miraculous?

[15:50] Yeah.

[15:51] To stop Vincent Price, the conqueror worm, from burning her at the stake.

[15:56] The devil rides out.

[15:58] Yep.

[15:59] Day of Wrath.

[16:00] Uh-huh.

[16:01] Witch movies.

[16:02] The Crucible.

[16:04] There's no real witches in The Crucible.

[16:06] Whatever.

[16:07] Or are there?

[16:08] So Arthur Miller originally wanted to end that play with the end.

[16:12] Or is it?

[16:13] Question mark.

[16:14] Mm-hmm.

[16:14] But he didn't.

Dan McCoy

[16:14] And then one of the witches flies over the audience on a broom.

[16:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:17] Just throwing candy.

[16:20] And saying, happy Halloween, everybody!

[16:25] Anyway.

[16:26] Throwing out packs of Salem's.

[16:28] Get it?

[16:29] Get it?

[16:30] Smoke them if you got them, and now you do.

[16:33] So anyway, there's the theater teacher, because of a wish that Louise makes, the theater teacher

[16:39] wins the lottery, and an Argentinian Baron.

[16:43] Count.

[16:44] Count.

[16:45] Argentinian Count.

[16:45] He's not a Baron.

[16:47] Sorry.

[16:48] Lower nobility.

[16:48] Yeah.

[16:50] Sweeps her away, and as a result, Louise has to direct the high school show, I guess,

[16:55] which is something?

[16:57] Some kind of magic play?

[16:59] I don't fucking know.

[17:00] And the star breaks...

[17:01] I think it might have been Shakespeare.

Stuart Wellington

[17:02] Some sort of...

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] Some sort of magic Shakespeare?

[17:04] Mm-hmm.

[17:05] Yeah.

[17:05] Shakespeare's The Crucible?

Stuart Wellington

[17:07] Yeah.

[17:08] Now, the thing about it is...

[17:10] Okay, so...

[17:10] But even the play we never see.

[17:12] She's like a teenager, right?

[17:12] And this is a normal world.

[17:13] A teen witch.

[17:14] She's a teen witch.

[17:15] But in her world, being a witch is kind of different, right?

[17:18] Not everybody's a witch.

[17:19] This isn't fucking Harry Potter, right?

[17:20] Yeah.

[17:20] How does she figure out she's a witch again, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[17:22] Zelda Rubinstein tells her.

Stuart Wellington

[17:24] Okay, so it wasn't when she magicked away that dude who never showed up again.

[17:27] Oh, yeah.

[17:28] Wait.

[17:28] Hold on.

[17:29] I guess she wished him into the cornfield?

Elliott Kalan

[17:31] That's right.

[17:32] She goes to a different dance, the harvest dance.

[17:35] Sure.

[17:35] She goes with the popular girl's cousin, who is a nerd who smokes pot and is really gropey

[17:42] and grabby and says stuff like, hey, baby, come on.

[17:47] You're describing me from high school, Elliot.

[17:49] Stop it.

[17:50] Okay, continue.

[17:52] So it's a couple different archetypes rolled into one.

[17:55] They're driving around in the bad part of town.

[17:57] A three-fur, we call it.

[17:59] A three-fur.

[18:00] He's a triple threat in that he is inappropriately grabbing her.

[18:04] And that's the threat part.

[18:06] Threatening.

[18:07] She says, doesn't she say, leave me alone?

Stuart Wellington

[18:09] Yeah, I wish you would just leave me alone.

Elliott Kalan

[18:12] Yeah, and he disappears except for his glasses, which have to fall to the ground to show that

[18:16] he's not there anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[18:16] Yeah, he pixelates for a moment.

Dan McCoy

[18:18] I don't know.

[18:18] Yeah.

[18:18] Why did the wish apply to his clothes but not his glasses?

[18:25] That's what I want to know.

[18:26] That's a good question.

[18:27] Maybe that's for enchanted glasses.

Elliott Kalan

[18:28] That might be.

[18:29] Yeah, they might be the enchanted glasses of Goromor.

Stuart Wellington

[18:31] I think it's because, first of all, glasses are unnatural.

[18:34] They're not in God's design, unlike clothes, because we need to cover our bodies.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] That's true, modesty.

[18:39] So you're saying that God meant for some people to just have bad eyesight.

Dan McCoy

[18:42] Yes.

[18:43] So me and Elliot is what you're talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] We're tampering in God's domain by affixing lenses to yon eyes with which to see the truth

[18:51] of reality.

Stuart Wellington

[18:52] It's opposite Harrison Bergeron.

[18:53] You're a Christian scientist, is what you're saying.

[18:56] He's a Christian optometrist.

[18:58] So she sends this guy to the Phantom Zone, and he never returns, right?

Elliott Kalan

[19:02] No, we never see him again.

Stuart Wellington

[19:04] He never crosses back over.

Dan McCoy

[19:05] No, this is the prequel to Superman 2.

[19:07] That is General Zod.

[19:09] No shit.

[19:10] Yeah.

[19:10] That's probably how he got such a bad attitude.

Elliott Kalan

[19:12] It was when he was still private first class Zod.

[19:15] Okay.

[19:16] But also, she drives his car home.

Stuart Wellington

[19:18] Is that a commission position?

Elliott Kalan

[19:20] Well, I mean, private's not, but he must have at some point.

Stuart Wellington

[19:23] Did he have to go to an academy?

[19:25] Yeah.

[19:26] Okay.

[19:26] Zod Academy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:27] That's how he got in.

[19:28] Family name.

[19:32] Yeah, I'm finally going to get into ZA.

[19:35] Old Zod.

[19:36] Zod on my evil scholarship.

[19:39] But, and also, no one ever comes looking around for his car.

[19:42] No.

[19:43] So she just leaves it.

[19:44] Yeah.

[19:45] Just, I...

[19:46] Wait, wasn't that a boyfriend's car?

[19:47] There should have been a scene where she pushes the car over a cliff to get rid of the evidence.

Dan McCoy

[19:52] Well, she should have pushed it over.

[19:54] Later on, like, she switches on the radio.

[19:57] The search continues for a missing local teen.

Stuart Wellington

[20:00] Or like, there's a guy reading the newspaper in the background as she walks by.

[20:04] What she should have done is push the car off a cliff, and then after it hit the bottom, use magic to make that decision.

[20:13] But, I'm not the writer of Teen Witch, you know?

[20:15] If only.

[20:16] If only.

[20:17] I think if I had, I would have been like nine years old.

[20:20] So, there probably would have been a little more boobs and a few more monsters.

Dan McCoy

[20:24] Well, there's a scene in which all of the ladies in the movie, basically all of the ladies, all the teen ladies at least.

[20:32] When they take a break from loving, cool James.

[20:34] There are, they're in the locker room.

[20:37] Sure, that sounds...

[20:37] Dancing around with their leotards on.

[20:39] Singing a song about how much they like boys.

[20:42] Yeah.

[20:42] To the camera, though, right?

[20:43] Yeah, to the camera.

Elliott Kalan

[20:44] They're establishing to the audience that they're straight.

[20:46] Yeah.

[20:47] Okay.

[20:47] This was the 80s.

Dan McCoy

[20:48] And every once in a while, Robin...

[20:50] Lesbianism was rampant.

[20:51] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:52] It was a national craze slash...

[20:54] Plague.

[20:54] Slash crisis, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:56] Yeah, but every once in a while, Robin Lively...

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] The American population fell drastically.

[21:00] Yeah, I mean...

[21:01] As women just stopped having sex with men.

Stuart Wellington

[21:03] Yeah, there was no, there was no, like, population.

[21:06] And there was, we almost reserved, reverted cloning.

[21:09] Yeah.

[21:09] Reverted.

[21:10] Reverted.

[21:10] Like in the ancient days.

Elliott Kalan

[21:12] Just like our caveman ancestors who had to clone themselves.

Dan McCoy

[21:15] It was a very strange musical interlude in the midst of a non-musical...

[21:18] I don't know.

[21:19] I don't know if I'd say it was non-movie.

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] Because you also had the three-man rap group that was throughout the movie singing different

[21:26] songs.

Dan McCoy

[21:26] It's like the Terry brother rappers.

Elliott Kalan

[21:28] Yeah, or something like that.

[21:29] Yeah, the Terry...

[21:29] Yeah, something like that.

[21:31] You had the girls...

[21:32] The woman at the concert singing the Never Gonna Be The Same Again song.

[21:36] You had two different dances where there were dances set to music.

[21:40] One where it was a DJ, one where it was a band playing.

[21:43] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[21:43] There were a couple of really long montages of her being popular.

Elliott Kalan

[21:46] Yeah, I think this was a musical.

[21:48] I think it's a stealth musical.

[21:49] Or a stewsicle.

[21:50] Yeah.

[21:50] Or seussicle.

Dan McCoy

[21:51] It was the high school musical of its day.

[21:54] Yes.

[21:55] But, like, those women...

[21:56] I have no point of reference on this one.

Elliott Kalan

[21:57] It was the Glee School seussicle of its day.

Dan McCoy

[21:59] The locker room leotards, that was actually fairly...

[22:02] They were all fairly scantily clad for the type of movie that this is.

[22:06] I was sort of surprised.

[22:07] There's that.

[22:08] There's a lot of leg.

[22:08] There's a couple...

[22:09] It was a veritable leg show.

Stuart Wellington

[22:10] I recall all girls in the 80s wore leotards everywhere, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] Yeah, even Margaret Thatcher.

Stuart Wellington

[22:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:17] And Nancy Reagan.

[22:18] There were a couple of scenes about...

[22:22] Estelle Getty.

[22:22] About sex education.

[22:24] Clara Peller.

[22:25] Sure.

[22:26] There's one sex ed scene that didn't even...

[22:28] Grandma Moses.

Stuart Wellington

[22:30] Oh, God.

Dan McCoy

[22:31] There's one scene that, if I recall, did not even involve our lead actress.

[22:34] It was just like, oh, now we're going to cut to the sex ed scene.

[22:36] A guy's going to say a lot of different words that mean penis.

[22:40] And then there's going to be, like, talk about a condom.

[22:43] And then the...

[22:43] And then an umbrella will open suggestively.

[22:45] Yeah.

[22:45] And then, like, later on there's the big sexy make-out party.

[22:49] It just seemed like...

[22:50] This was actually a fairly, like, eroticized film for a movie that seemed like it was, like...

[22:56] It could have been a Disney Channel production for 12-year-old girls.

Elliott Kalan

[23:00] Well, they wanted to get that PG-13 rating.

Stuart Wellington

[23:02] Yeah, I guess so.

[23:03] Trying to ramp up the audience's excitement levels, too.

[23:06] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[23:07] I think they were...

[23:07] This was...

[23:08] This was going to usher both girls and men.

[23:12] It was the rare crossover film...

[23:13] It was the full flower of adulthood.

Elliott Kalan

[23:15] It was the rare crossover film where they were trying to get both the teen girl audience

[23:18] and the regular porn theater attendee audience.

[23:22] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] Now...

[23:24] Those two quadrants.

[23:25] How long...

[23:25] How long after Teen Wolf did this movie come out, Dan?

[23:32] Well...

[23:32] This was in 89.

Elliott Kalan

[23:33] Teen Wolf was, what, 84?

[23:35] Because it was right before Back to the Future?

Dan McCoy

[23:37] I certainly hope that Teen Wolf was before Back to the Future.

Elliott Kalan

[23:40] I know he shot it before Back to the Future.

[23:43] Because there were some countries where Teen Wolf was released after Back to the Future.

[23:47] And so they retitled Teen Wolf the boy from the future.

[23:50] Really?

[23:50] Because Back to the Future had been such a huge hit.

Dan McCoy

[23:53] See, I was going to say, like, oh, they retitled it the time-traveling werewolf.

Elliott Kalan

[23:58] There might have been somewhere they called it that.

Dan McCoy

[24:00] That's amazing.

[24:01] But I think Teen Wolf was, like, right before Back to the Future.

Elliott Kalan

[24:04] So...

Dan McCoy

[24:05] That'd be along with the movie Werewolf Party that you talked about in the last episode.

[24:10] Yeah, The Uninvited.

Stuart Wellington

[24:11] It's where you go to Elliot's wedding.

[24:13] Uh-huh.

[24:14] Okay?

[24:14] You're not on the guest list.

[24:15] Right.

[24:16] Everybody there is a werewolf and they devour you.

[24:18] Wow.

[24:20] Yeah.

[24:21] That'd be like...

[24:21] And then the rock song Werewolf Party plays over the credits.

Elliott Kalan

[24:24] Or the song Werewolf Bar Mitzvah from 30 Rock.

[24:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:27] I'm trying to avoid intellectual property.

Elliott Kalan

[24:30] Oh, yeah.

[24:31] Okay.

[24:31] So, but you'll steal my wedding.

[24:33] Well, yeah.

[24:34] Your wedding's in the public domain.

[24:35] What?

[24:36] It hasn't been 75 years.

[24:39] Feels like it, though, huh?

[24:40] Oh, tell me about it.

[24:41] I see the way you're touching that ring.

[24:42] Oh, boy.

[24:43] Yeah.

[24:43] If only I could tear it off my finger.

[24:45] It weighs heavily, right?

[24:46] On my soul.

Stuart Wellington

[24:46] It's like Atlas holding up the world.

Elliott Kalan

[24:48] Yeah, except worse.

[24:51] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[24:52] Kind of looking for that Heracles to hand that burden off to, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[24:55] But then he's just going to trick me into taking it again.

[24:56] That's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[24:57] It's a guy structurally.

Elliott Kalan

[24:58] But I was going to say, you still had...

[25:01] I mean, teen supernatural movies are nothing new.

[25:04] Even Teen Wolf was not new.

[25:05] There was...

[25:05] I was a teenage werewolf years earlier.

[25:08] I was a teenage Frankenstein.

[25:10] So I don't know if that...

[25:11] And there was Sabrina the Teenage Witch who'd been in the comics for years before this.

[25:15] The funnies?

[25:16] In the funnies, yeah.

[25:17] In the funny papers.

[25:18] Where I would see you.

[25:20] If I was leaving.

[25:23] Be weird.

Dan McCoy

[25:25] But, um...

[25:27] So structurally, I was going to say, guys, this is a...

[25:29] Oh, a Robert McKee classic.

[25:31] I mean, the way that, you know, like the conflicts really come to a head.

[25:36] You know, like she really comes in.

[25:38] She hits a real low point.

[25:39] More sarcasm.

Stuart Wellington

[25:40] And the stuff that they bring up in the first act.

[25:44] It's all payoff in the third act.

[25:46] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:46] And at the end, like all conflicts are resolved through like a really heroic act of will by

[25:51] our main character.

Elliott Kalan

[25:52] Okay, now what about this?

[25:53] Let me play devil's advocate here.

[25:55] Okay.

[25:56] What if this movie is...

Dan McCoy

[25:57] You are wearing a red shirt, so I think that's appropriate.

Elliott Kalan

[26:00] Yeah.

[26:00] Well, it's because I'm a devil's advocate at Target.

Dan McCoy

[26:03] Okay.

[26:04] It's because you're literally the devil's advocate.

[26:05] You're his lawyer.

[26:06] You're on call.

Elliott Kalan

[26:07] And I wear a red shirt instead of a suit for some reason.

Dan McCoy

[26:10] The devil requires it.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] And he wears Prada anyway, so I look terrible next to him.

[26:15] I heard that somewhere.

Dan McCoy

[26:17] My buddy.

[26:18] I'm halfway star in that movie.

[26:19] Oh, yeah.

[26:19] My buddy.

[26:20] Your pal.

[26:21] Yeah.

[26:21] Didn't you guys date or something?

[26:23] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[26:23] Anyway.

[26:24] What if there's something admirable about a movie that isn't a slave to structure in which it

[26:30] isn't resolved at the end so cleanly because life isn't so cleanly resolved at the end?

[26:35] I'm listening.

Dan McCoy

[26:36] But the problem with this film is everything is resolved cleanly.

[26:40] But for no reason.

[26:41] But nothing is resolved.

Elliott Kalan

[26:43] She's still popular.

[26:44] She didn't undo the popularity spell.

Dan McCoy

[26:45] She didn't undo the popularity spell.

[26:46] Brad's still into her.

[26:48] Her hair still looks great.

[26:49] Yeah.

[26:49] She just throws the amulet away.

[26:51] But as we pointed out, I don't know to what degree the amulet had anything to do with it

[26:55] because she was just a witch on her 16th birthday.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] It might have been like a Dumbo's Feather type situation.

[26:59] Yeah.

[27:00] But it was like a fetter or a fetish.

[27:02] The scene before this, Zelda Rubinstein said, the real magic is believing in yourself.

[27:07] Yeah.

[27:07] And if you can do that, you can do anything.

[27:10] But she said-

[27:10] Which I wanted her to say, like Martin Luther King.

[27:14] He certainly believed in himself and look what he accomplished.

Stuart Wellington

[27:16] Now, early on, she had to make an effort to wear the frumpy clothing that her mother bought

[27:23] her.

[27:24] But then she switched over using magic.

[27:27] To just wear super sexy clothes.

[27:30] And there was never any-

[27:31] Or a lot of tulle.

[27:32] Yeah.

[27:33] Like, you know.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] What?

[27:34] You should wear tutus is what I'm saying.

[27:36] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[27:37] So, it was never-

Stuart Wellington

[27:39] I mean, Stuart and I are straight, so we had trouble figuring out-

[27:42] It was never really addressed that why she didn't just wear those clothes in the first

[27:46] place.

Elliott Kalan

[27:47] Because she didn't believe in herself.

[27:49] Oh.

[27:49] She thought-

Stuart Wellington

[27:50] She's using the magic-

[27:51] She needed magic to be able to wear hot denim skirts.

Elliott Kalan

[27:53] She was using the magic as a crutch to change herself.

[27:56] To show off her getaway steaks.

Dan McCoy

[27:57] She told Brad she couldn't go to the dance with him.

[28:00] Then she goes and talks to Zelda Rubenstein, who doesn't really, like-

Elliott Kalan

[28:04] No, doesn't really make any-

[28:05] Change her mind or-

[28:06] Doesn't change anything.

[28:06] Is that the scene where she sat on her lap?

[28:07] And then at the end she comes in.

[28:09] Where Zelda says, sit down, and Louise sits down on Zelda's lap, and then they laugh, and

[28:14] then they get up, and then Louise sits down, and Zelda sits down on Louise's lap.

[28:17] Hilarious.

[28:18] It's a little bit of physical humor.

[28:20] Because Zelda's-

[28:20] Well, they're trying to lighten the mood, because that was a pretty tough scene.

[28:23] That's true.

[28:24] By that point, the movie had become a tragedy.

[28:26] Almost.

[28:26] I mean, this is-

[28:27] But then they turned it around.

[28:28] This is the Blue Angel.

[28:29] This is the bleakest of German early sound film.

Dan McCoy

[28:31] But, you know, she says that she can't go to the dance, and then she goes to the dance,

[28:36] and then everything's fine.

[28:37] And her friend is-

Elliott Kalan

[28:38] She changed her mind.

[28:39] People can't change their minds?

[28:40] Come on.

[28:41] That's realism.

Dan McCoy

[28:42] Her friend's mad at her for being popular, and then at the end of the movie, I guess her

[28:46] friend is still mad at her.

Elliott Kalan

[28:48] Her friend finds love in the hands of the crazy rapping guy.

[28:52] Okay.

[28:53] And she doesn't need a friend anymore, because she's found her best friend, her love.

Stuart Wellington

[28:57] And she realizes, after getting laid, she's got to stop being so uptight, man.

[29:01] Yeah, that's true.

[29:02] Chill the fuck out.

[29:03] Who cares?

Dan McCoy

[29:06] So, I want to ask a question.

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] What would the-

[29:09] Yeah, you can just ask it.

[29:11] I mean-

[29:11] You don't have to preface it.

Dan McCoy

[29:12] I'm presenting it.

[29:13] I'm presenting it to it.

[29:13] I want to take a sip of water.

[29:17] The audience at home, Elliot, is taking a sip of water.

[29:20] Thanks, narrator.

Elliott Kalan

[29:21] We'll foley those sound effects in later.

[29:25] That's the nice sipping water sound effect.

[29:27] Glorp.

[29:28] Drink.

Dan McCoy

[29:29] Really gross.

[29:31] Glorp?

[29:31] I want to present it to the table, though.

[29:34] I want to really put this out.

[29:36] What-

[29:36] Call the meeting to order.

[29:37] Okay, let's-

[29:38] What would the modern equivalent of this movie be?

[29:42] And by that, I mean, this movie is so-

[29:45] This movie is so of its time.

[29:47] This movie is really-

[29:49] It really revels in being a movie from 1989.

[29:53] Like, this might as well be the wedding singer.

[29:56] Like, they're making a joke out of the fact that this was made in 1989.

[30:00] Except for it actually is made in 1989.

[30:02] And I have a hard time-

Stuart Wellington

[30:03] And Drew Barrymore was in both movies.

[30:05] Right.

[30:05] No.

Elliott Kalan

[30:07] Well, she did not play the brother in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[30:09] They look a lot alike.

[30:10] They don't look at all alike.

[30:11] I'm going to check the IMDb page.

Elliott Kalan

[30:13] I just have a hard time-

[30:14] This is a time capsule, is what you're saying.

[30:15] Yeah, but I also have a hard time imagining-

[30:17] Of a more innocent time.

[30:18] Pre-Clinton.

Dan McCoy

[30:19] I have a hard time imagining, like, a modern-day, like, young person's film

[30:23] that is also, like, this-

[30:26] I think if-

[30:27] Totally bereft-

[30:28] Like, this totally, like, of the moment, but also totally bereft of irony

[30:31] about anything.

Elliott Kalan

[30:33] If you look at High School Musical 20 years from now, I think you'll see the same thing.

[30:37] Okay.

[30:38] The Bratz movie.

[30:39] Or the Bratz movie, for that matter.

[30:40] Face.

Stuart Wellington

[30:42] Top that, Dan.

[30:44] I dare you.

[30:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:45] I think you don't yet have the distance to see what people are going to remember the 90s for.

[30:53] Teen Witch just happens to have a lot of the things that we remember the 80s for,

[30:56] which is the kind of clothes and the kind of dancing and-

[30:58] Oh, it's amazing.

[30:59] It's just a real-

[31:00] Because there are plenty of movies that are very-

[31:02] Like a visual dictionary.

[31:03] There are plenty of-

[31:03] Like, a movie like, you know, Gremlins.

[31:06] Yeah.

[31:07] It's also very much of the 80s, but we don't think of it in the same way as an 80s time capsule

[31:10] because it's the things that are 80s about are not quite the same.

[31:13] Like a monster time capsule.

[31:14] But also, like-

Dan McCoy

[31:15] What monsters were like in the 80s, yeah.

[31:17] Yeah.

[31:17] Part of it for me, though, is what I'm saying is, like, this is such an irony-free kids film.

Elliott Kalan

[31:24] I think if you watch the high school musical movies, I don't think they have a developed

[31:28] sense of irony.

[31:28] Yeah.

[31:29] Those people are genuinely singing about how happy or sad they are.

[31:32] Yeah.

[31:33] I did-

[31:33] There is something refreshing about the fact that it is irony-free, that, like, there are

[31:37] relatively few moments where they feel like they have to, like, wink at the audience or,

[31:42] you know.

[31:43] It's stupid, but-

[31:45] What are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[31:46] There's a hilarious scene where the voodoo doll gets thrown into the washing machine and

[31:50] the guy has to walk through the car wash.

[31:53] Oh, my God.

[31:53] I forgot that part.

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] Yeah.

[31:54] It really has nothing to do with the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[31:55] So you're saying there's, like, a certain naivete about it?

Elliott Kalan

[31:58] Yes.

[31:59] Yes.

[31:59] You could say that.

[32:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:00] It's like folk art.

Elliott Kalan

[32:02] It's unsophisticated.

[32:03] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[32:05] Okay.

[32:07] We all agree.

[32:08] Teen Witch.

Dan McCoy

[32:10] Resolved.

[32:10] I guess we should-

[32:11] Resolved.

Elliott Kalan

[32:12] Teen Witch is a movie.

[32:13] I guess we should-

[32:14] On to the next order of business.

Dan McCoy

[32:15] Make our final judgments.

[32:16] I'll run through this fast.

[32:17] We all know what it is.

[32:19] Is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you actually liked?

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] We don't have any-

[32:23] When is this episode going to run?

Dan McCoy

[32:24] This is technically still a Shocktober episode.

[32:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] So isn't it scarily bad or frightfully good or spookily good bad?

Dan McCoy

[32:34] Was this frightfully funny?

[32:36] Was it totally scarifying or was it totally snorifying?

[32:41] I think those were the categories.

[32:44] I don't even know what they correspond to.

[32:46] It really makes sense for this one.

Stuart Wellington

[32:48] Yeah.

[32:49] Which one is closest to half a wormy apple?

[32:53] Or two and a half boners?

[32:56] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[32:57] Two and a half boners is half a wormy apple?

[33:00] Like two and a half boners is a lot of boners.

[33:03] Two and a half boners seem pretty good.

[33:05] If I get one boner from a movie, that's a pretty sexy movie.

Stuart Wellington

[33:08] No, but it's not based on human boners.

[33:11] It's a scale.

[33:12] And then you might as well just use stars.

[33:15] Because if I'm basing it exclusively on the single boner, like, yeah, I'm a human being.

[33:19] I only have a single boner.

[33:20] No, no.

[33:20] Like, would I have to base it on the different degrees?

[33:22] Because of my man, Ellie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] I mean, I guess it depends on your refractory period, how many you can have during a movie.

Dan McCoy

[33:28] Well, if this was, say, like an episode, say an issue of Penthouse, you would base it on the level of boner you machine.

[33:36] That's what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] I don't understand what...

[33:39] You're not agreeing with him.

[33:41] Dan gets it.

[33:41] No, he doesn't.

[33:43] Dan gets it, Ellie.

[33:44] Don't worry.

[33:45] I was talking...

[33:46] I'll forget it.

[33:47] Okay, so Ellie...

[33:47] So how many boners do you give it?

[33:51] 52 boners.

[33:53] But it's out of a scale of a million.

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] I mean, I'm not going to cheapen the experience by telling them how many boners it's out of.

[34:01] I'm going to let the audience decide how many boners it's out of.

Elliott Kalan

[34:04] That's no frame of reference.

[34:05] They don't know how good or bad the movie is.

[34:07] Isn't it, though?

[34:08] No.

Stuart Wellington

[34:09] No, but they have to compare how many boners I say to how many boners they think I would say if it was an amazing movie.

Dan McCoy

[34:16] That doesn't make sense, though.

[34:18] Chill out.

Stuart Wellington

[34:18] So I would say it was totally scarifying.

Dan McCoy

[34:22] You know what?

[34:23] I actually...

[34:24] You heard it here first.

Stuart Wellington

[34:27] Stuart Wellington says Teen Witch is totally scarifying.

[34:31] So you can check the internet right now, guys, and it's already probably been updated.

[34:36] It's already on the DVD box.

[34:38] Yep.

[34:39] Yeah, no.

[34:42] It wasn't that boring.

[34:43] There was enough weird stuff going on.

[34:46] Drew Barrymore got turned into a doll.

[34:49] There's that voodoo doll sequence.

[34:52] Yeah, I thought it was okay.

[34:53] I enjoyed it.

[34:54] So totally scarifying boners.

[34:57] Elliot.

[34:58] Yeah, it was totally boner-fying.

[35:01] I wish you wouldn't just rip off what I do.

[35:04] That's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[35:05] I would also say that it's not a good movie, but there is an enjoyableness in how...

[35:12] Like, every time you think something's going to happen, a different thing happens, and it usually involves a bad song or dance number of some kind.

[35:19] And I know that this movie holds a special place in the hearts of many that I know, so...

[35:24] You said a girl showed you this movie.

[35:26] Yeah.

[35:27] But...

[35:27] Is that on a date?

[35:29] I'm not...

[35:29] Listen.

[35:30] I can't...

[35:30] I'm not a tale teller.

[35:31] This ring on my finger is like a...

[35:33] Is a cone of silence.

Stuart Wellington

[35:35] Luckily, I am a tale teller, so I'll tell that story another time.

[35:40] You don't know it.

[35:42] He's been watching you for years.

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] But I would say it was not snorifying.

[35:51] Okay.

[35:51] It's not a good movie, but it is...

[35:53] It's anti-snorifying.

[35:53] It is a fun movie in the way of...

[35:56] It makes no sense, and it's very 80s-ish.

[35:58] For someone who grew up in the 80s, it's a special treat.

Dan McCoy

[36:01] Yeah, I'll go with the...

[36:03] I guess frighteningly funny is the good, bad...

[36:05] Oh, I forgot about that one.

[36:07] Yeah, I'll go with that one.

Elliott Kalan

[36:08] I was frightened by how funny I thought it was.

[36:10] It is...

[36:10] I started to worry.

Dan McCoy

[36:12] Yeah, I mean, this has a certain amount of a bad movie cult behind it.

[36:17] And I think that it's no...

[36:19] You know, it's no Troll 2 in the annals of recent...

[36:26] It's one of the heavy hitters of bad movies.

[36:28] That have a cult behind it.

[36:29] It's no The Room.

[36:30] It's no The Room, certainly.

[36:32] But of those recent...

[36:36] It's no Crash.

[36:38] Sort of canon of bad movies.

[36:40] No, not this.

[36:41] I thought it was pretty good.

[36:42] You know, it's...

[36:43] It moves along.

[36:44] It's funny.

[36:45] It does weird stuff.

[36:47] And it is an amazing time capsule.

[36:50] You know...

Stuart Wellington

[36:51] Back when girls dressed properly like girls.

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] Everyone...

[36:54] Even the extras in the movie are dressed amazingly.

[36:57] Just have the craziest 80s outfits on.

[36:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:00] Costuming was really well done.

Elliott Kalan

[37:02] Yeah, it should have won an Academy Award for costumes.

Stuart Wellington

[37:05] Yeah, clearly.

[37:05] When the measure of a woman was her shoulder pads.

[37:09] Shoulder pads, the shortness of her ruffled skirt.

Elliott Kalan

[37:11] Yeah.

[37:11] Whether there was a tutu on top of that skirt.

[37:15] Yeah.

[37:15] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[37:17] Well, I got some papers here.

[37:18] Uh-oh.

[37:19] Our...

[37:20] We've been screwed.

Elliott Kalan

[37:20] Annual evaluations.

[37:22] Yeah, they'd be weird if Dan just handed us subpoenas.

Dan McCoy

[37:25] Stuart, great.

[37:26] Elliot needs improvement.

[37:27] What?

Elliott Kalan

[37:28] What?

[37:29] This place is a sham.

Stuart Wellington

[37:30] It says, Elliot, fart sound effect.

[37:34] Weird.

Elliott Kalan

[37:35] It says, here, Elliot, wah-wah.

Dan McCoy

[37:39] So, this one says...

[37:42] This is from Alex, last name withheld.

[37:44] It says, dear Flophouse, congratulations to Elliot on his wedding.

[37:47] Oh, thank you.

[37:49] It was the best day of my life.

[37:50] Much more importantly, he says...

[37:53] I disagree.

[37:53] Stop sucking up.

[37:54] She's already married, Elliot.

[37:55] She doesn't listen to this.

[37:56] Oh.

[37:57] I...

[37:58] A lovely, lovely woman.

[38:00] I could not see her sitting through one of these.

[38:02] Nope.

[38:04] Much more importantly, what can he tell us about his experience writing for Age of Heroes

[38:09] number four?

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] Oh, it was a dream.

[38:12] That's what I can tell you.

Dan McCoy

[38:13] Is that all you can tell us?

Stuart Wellington

[38:15] I mean, you're sitting on piles of money as we speak.

Elliott Kalan

[38:17] Oh, yeah.

[38:18] Well...

[38:18] All because of that, right?

[38:19] If you want a high-paying gig, if you want to be set for life, an eight-page story in

[38:24] a Marvel anthology series is the way to go.

Dan McCoy

[38:27] I imagine there's a certain amount of confidentiality you need to maintain when you're behind...

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] I guess...

[38:32] I mean, it was a very smooth process.

[38:33] It was...

[38:34] I wrote...

[38:34] I sold them the story idea, and then I wrote the first draft.

[38:37] They asked for a couple changes.

[38:39] I wrote the second draft, and then it went to the artist, and Brendan McCarthy worked his

[38:45] magic on it, and everything came out great, you know?

[38:48] It was a very...

[38:49] It was a very smooth experience.

Dan McCoy

[38:52] Could you try and come up with some backstage drama?

[38:56] Could you make up...

[38:56] Oh, well...

[38:57] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] Well, they demanded changes, and I said, no way.

[39:00] The story is my baby.

[39:01] I don't change nothing.

[39:02] So then what happened?

[39:03] Yeah, yeah.

[39:03] Then they hire some hack to rewrite it, make the changes.

[39:08] Suddenly, it's not even my work.

[39:09] I demanded they take my name off it.

Dan McCoy

[39:10] And the Inuit Anti-Defamation League got involved?

Elliott Kalan

[39:14] I'm surprised they didn't get involved.

[39:16] Well, they showed it to that test audience, right, of Inuits.

Dan McCoy

[39:19] Yeah.

[39:19] They were up in arms.

[39:20] They showed the comic book to a test audience.

[39:24] They made it in a motion comics form.

Elliott Kalan

[39:27] They showed it.

[39:28] They shot a short film based on the story.

Stuart Wellington

[39:30] Yeah, motion comics, so they could all read it on their iPads.

Elliott Kalan

[39:34] But it's on their Inuit pads.

[39:37] I stands for Inuit.

[39:38] Oh, no kidding.

[39:39] A lot of people wanted it.

[39:40] Is it made out of meat?

[39:40] Yes, it's made out of blubber.

[39:42] Okay.

[39:42] And seal meat.

[39:44] But it was great.

[39:46] And I'm actively trying to sell Marvel on more stories.

[39:49] And there's one that I'm working on now that might go along, but who knows.

Dan McCoy

[39:54] Well, now that you're a celebrity, that should make it a lot easier.

Elliott Kalan

[39:56] It should help that I'm a gawker celebrity with a huge Twitter following.

Stuart Wellington

[40:01] Well, I, for one, look forward to hearing more, Elliot.

[40:05] Thank you.

[40:06] I mean, read it.

[40:06] Thank you for...

[40:07] More about the Marvel Universe from you.

Dan McCoy

[40:08] Thank you, Stuart, for implicitly cutting me out of that.

Elliott Kalan

[40:11] Well, I mean...

[40:12] Dan, what's your problem?

[40:13] Why don't you want to hear more?

[40:14] No, I do.

[40:15] Stuart's such a supportive friend, and you're just sitting here judging me.

Stuart Wellington

[40:17] I said I for one, because I'm the only one who cares about Elliot.

[40:21] Yeah.

[40:21] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[40:22] Just me.

[40:23] Thank you for finally showing me that.

[40:24] The scales have fallen off my eyes.

[40:27] Dan.

Dan McCoy

[40:28] All right.

[40:28] This one, this email says, hey, guys, I got questions.

[40:32] And it's from Joshua.

[40:33] Hey, back off, buddy.

Elliott Kalan

[40:36] Take a seat.

[40:38] Hello, how are you?

[40:40] That kind of thing.

[40:43] Guys taking the familiar with us?

[40:45] It's the email equivalent of pushing the door open and sticking his finger in our face.

[40:50] Shoving someone else out of the way.

Dan McCoy

[40:53] He says, first, where the hell is the review for Marmaduke?

[40:56] When that movie came out, all I could think of was, I can't wait till this film appears

[40:59] in the Flophouse.

[41:00] Please make this dream and the dream of countless listeners come true.

Elliott Kalan

[41:04] We should make that dream come true.

Stuart Wellington

[41:05] I think we could count our listeners.

[41:08] Yeah?

[41:08] Don't you do that?

Elliott Kalan

[41:09] I think the listeners should help.

Stuart Wellington

[41:11] They're countable.

[41:12] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[41:12] I mean, they're less than infinite.

[41:14] Yeah.

[41:16] I think our listeners should help us to remember big movies that get released that we forget

[41:21] sometimes.

[41:22] Marmaduke's a good one.

[41:23] Jonah Hex I was thinking of the other day.

[41:24] We should definitely do.

[41:25] I don't want to.

[41:26] It's only like 82 minutes long.

[41:28] Oh, yeah.

[41:28] I do want to.

[41:30] But if you see...

[41:32] It's got your doppelganger, Josh Brolin.

Dan McCoy

[41:35] I mean, although you're not hideously scarred like he is in that film.

[41:39] Yeah.

[41:39] And it's got my doppelganger, Megan Fox, in it.

Elliott Kalan

[41:42] Yeah.

[41:42] I thought you were going to say John Mouset.

[41:43] And Dan Stoppelganger, a train exploding.

Dan McCoy

[41:48] I'm a very unusual looking guy.

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] Just very strange man.

[41:53] But if there's a movie that comes out in the theaters and you want to see us flop it and

[41:57] then we forget, remind us.

[41:59] Yeah.

[42:00] Because we forget sometimes.

[42:01] We do.

[42:01] We have lives.

Dan McCoy

[42:03] Second.

Elliott Kalan

[42:04] And I'm implying that you don't, I guess.

[42:06] Yeah.

[42:06] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[42:08] Second, one thing that has always fascinated me with bad movies is something that Stuart

[42:12] brought up before in regard to 40 Days and 40 Nights.

[42:15] His favorite movie.

[42:16] Basically, can you three floppers tell me about one movie that you absolutely cannot stand?

[42:22] The film's so bad that you could only show it to people as a punishment.

[42:25] And while Stuart has spoken on the subject in the past, I'm sure he can talk about another

[42:29] movie that inspires him to want to punch holes in the wall.

[42:32] By the way, my pick would be Anger Management starring Adam Sandler.

[42:34] I had to leave my friend's house after watching the film since the big reveal made me angry

[42:38] enough to hurt.

[42:40] Also, I totally dug the Rotor reference that you made, Elliot.

[42:42] Awesome!

[42:43] Give up the great work, guys, and have a bootiful Shocktober.

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] I was just thinking about Rotor earlier today and yesterday.

Dan McCoy

[42:50] That is also a fantastic bad movie.

[42:52] Rotor?

[42:53] Yeah.

[42:53] Just as a side note.

Elliott Kalan

[42:55] Oh, it's got the best robot, I think, in movie history.

[42:57] It's a robot that talks like a pothead slacker.

[43:01] What?

[43:02] Oh, yeah, I guess.

[43:04] Forgetful robot.

[43:06] Brilliant.

[43:07] Yeah.

[43:08] Yeah.

[43:09] Oh, God.

[43:10] I mean...

Dan McCoy

[43:11] No, we're talking about movies we hate.

[43:13] Movies we can't stand.

[43:14] Movies that we would only show as punishment.

[43:15] Like, let me just say...

[43:17] Movies we don't like.

[43:18] Before we get into movies that we haven't covered by the Flophouse, I might...

[43:22] I might put Old Dogs and Delgo as the films that I would want to show people if I just wanted

[43:30] to cause them pain.

[43:31] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[43:32] Yeah, although there's something about Whiteout.

[43:35] Yeah.

[43:35] Or 10,000 BC that was...

[43:36] That's boring.

[43:38] Delgo and Old Dogs were very bad, though.

Dan McCoy

[43:39] Hey, Dan, I watched your favorite movie the other night.

[43:42] My favorite.

[43:42] I mean, the movie you hate the most.

[43:44] Yeah, I was gonna...

[43:45] This is...

[43:46] I was gonna bring up my own film, but you can bring it up on my behalf.

Stuart Wellington

[43:50] Yeah, I was watching Nothing But Trouble.

[43:52] Oh, oh, oh!

[43:54] Just thinking about it.

[43:55] I hate it so much.

[43:56] Yeah, I don't know why.

[43:57] It was on that Netflix Instant Watch queue, and I just couldn't stop my hand from doing

[44:03] it.

[44:03] I think...

Dan McCoy

[44:04] The movie is so miscalculated.

[44:05] As soon as Dan Aykroyd shows up as, like...

[44:09] Is he both of the...

[44:10] Yes.

[44:11] As both of the horribly obese...

[44:14] Oh, well, and John Candy is one of them, right?

Stuart Wellington

[44:15] He's not both of them.

[44:17] Okay.

[44:17] No, no.

[44:17] It's some other actor.

[44:18] Because that was an important part of my viewing experience.

[44:20] Oh, I see.

[44:21] I'm just pointing out who played Little Devil, I believe, was the character's name.

[44:24] Yeah, like the giant man-baby.

[44:27] Yeah, the giant...

[44:27] There's two giant man-babies.

Elliott Kalan

[44:29] Isn't there a girl played by a guy, though?

Stuart Wellington

[44:32] Yes.

[44:32] John Candy does play two characters.

Elliott Kalan

[44:33] Oh, okay.

[44:34] That's who I was thinking of.

[44:35] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[44:35] Yeah, it...

Elliott Kalan

[44:36] I forgot about the man-baby.

[44:38] Yeah, there's two of them.

[44:39] They're working like a smeltery.

Dan McCoy

[44:41] No, I mean, like, the movie's terrible before then, but by the time the man-babies show

[44:47] up...

[44:47] Everything...

[44:48] It's...

[44:48] You realize that this is such a hideously miscalculated movie.

Elliott Kalan

[44:51] It's a movie that's like a trap door, and then you fall into quicksand, and you fall through

[44:57] that onto spikes, and then the spikes blow up.

[45:00] Yeah, it's...

[45:00] Like, except less awesome than that.

Dan McCoy

[45:02] Scene after scene...

[45:03] Like, yeah, each scene is superseded by a more unpleasant scene to follow.

Stuart Wellington

[45:09] I think the movie was written by either Dan Aykroyd or his brother or something.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] Oh, Dan Aykroyd wrote...

[45:13] He might have co-written it, but he wrote it.

[45:14] I mean, I think it was originally a script for the Mousetrap movie.

[45:18] Dan Aykroyd, one of the writers of Ghostbusters.

[45:21] And that ghost book that his dad wrote that he did the introduction for.

[45:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:25] Which I saw him speak about.

[45:27] But anyway...

Elliott Kalan

[45:27] Yeah, he...

[45:28] Well, Dan Aykroyd is hit and miss in that he has had a hit, and many misses.

Stuart Wellington

[45:33] But, like, that...

[45:34] There is a character with a nose that looks like a penis, though.

[45:37] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] And the digital underground does get chewed up by a roller coaster, and their bones spit

[45:41] out.

Elliott Kalan

[45:41] No, they don't.

Stuart Wellington

[45:42] He lets them go free.

Elliott Kalan

[45:43] Whose bones get spit?

Stuart Wellington

[45:44] No, that's one of the Baldwins and some other drug dealers.

Dan McCoy

[45:47] Oh, I gotta mix that.

[45:48] He's entertained by the hip-hop music, so he lets them go.

[45:51] And the digital underground song is the best part of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[45:54] He kind of entertains them as well.

[45:56] Dan Aykroyd plays, like, the organ, I guess.

[46:01] Yeah, his bone organ.

Elliott Kalan

[46:02] He doesn't do his Blues Brothers routine again.

[46:03] A little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[46:04] A little bit.

[46:05] No, but like that...

Elliott Kalan

[46:05] I gotta mix it up.

[46:06] Someone gets on a roller coaster and their bones get spit out.

[46:08] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[46:09] In a weird way, if that was like...

[46:10] If this was an art film, it would be amazing.

[46:12] Because it is really, strangely bad.

[46:15] Terrible movie.

[46:17] It's a valued attempt to make a comedy in the form of a horror movie.

[46:22] And by that, I mean a genuinely horrifying movie.

[46:25] But that's what's wrong about it.

[46:26] This movie is much more horrifying than any horror movie I've ever seen.

Elliott Kalan

[46:29] Yeah, because you're looking into Dan Aykroyd's brain.

Dan McCoy

[46:32] And it's terrifying.

[46:33] Deeply unpleasant.

Stuart Wellington

[46:35] Yeah, and you stare into the darkness.

[46:37] That darkness stares right back.

[46:39] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:39] You hunt monsters, they become a monster.

[46:42] I don't know what you're talking about.

Dan McCoy

[46:43] The only thing we have to fear...

[46:45] No.

Stuart Wellington

[46:45] Hey, I just want to throw out there...

[46:48] I probably knocked this movie before,

[46:50] but a movie that I would subject people to as punishment is, of course,

[46:55] Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Next Generation.

[46:57] In part because I think the last 40 minutes of that, like, 70-minute-long movie

[47:02] is just Matthew McConaughey and the rest of the cast just screaming at each other.

[47:07] It literally is just people screaming and dragging each other around the weird track.

[47:10] But you finally get to see what would happen if Leatherface and Picard met.

Elliott Kalan

[47:13] That's true, but it's...

Dan McCoy

[47:15] Yeah, terrible.

[47:16] Elliot, is there something that you...

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] I'll mention...

[47:20] You just hate so much.

[47:21] The most recent movie that I had that experience with was Funny People,

[47:25] where I was watching it on DVD,

[47:27] and I could not bear to watch the second hour of it.

[47:30] You just have a real problem.

[47:31] So an hour and 20 minutes in, I just stopped.

[47:34] I don't...

[47:35] I'm not a huge fan of his,

[47:36] but this one in particular I found meaningless and pointless and irritating.

[47:41] But there are other movies...

[47:42] Like, but there are even classic movies I don't like.

[47:44] Like, some like It Hot I can't watch.

[47:46] You know, I don't find that funny.

Dan McCoy

[47:47] But these are just movies that you dislike.

[47:49] These aren't movies that...

Elliott Kalan

[47:50] But I don't like them.

[47:51] But, well, Funny People, I would show people as torture.

[47:53] Okay.

[47:54] And then, of course, there's a movie like Slow Bullet,

[47:57] which is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life,

[48:00] which is a very...

[48:01] Yeah, you gotta go there.

[48:01] Which is painful to watch.

Dan McCoy

[48:03] I mean, Funny People is competent to the degree...

[48:05] No, it is not.

[48:06] ...that reasonable people can disagree with it.

Elliott Kalan

[48:08] Funny People is an incompetent film.

[48:10] I...

[48:10] There are things that I enjoyed about that film.

[48:12] It's not a good title.

[48:13] It is incredibly poorly titled.

[48:15] Unless it's ironically titled.

[48:16] Well, it's not funny.

[48:17] In which case it makes it a great title.

[48:18] It's not funny and there are no people in it.

Dan McCoy

[48:19] It's not an attempt.

[48:20] Really?

[48:21] It's less an attempt to make a comedy

[48:22] and more of an attempt to make a James L. Brooks film.

[48:25] Now, did he do that?

[48:27] No.

[48:27] Or was that a worthy goal?

[48:29] Those are questions that cannot be answered.

[48:31] I'd say no to both.

[48:32] Anyway.

[48:33] Slow bullet.

Elliott Kalan

[48:34] If anyone is interested in seeing

[48:36] what I consider the worst film I've ever seen

[48:38] in terms of an unpleasant viewing experience

[48:41] that is also boring,

[48:43] then Slow Bullet is the movie to watch.

[48:46] I assume never released on DVD

[48:47] since it's barely available on VHS.

[48:50] It's a film that was produced by a Florida video chain

[48:53] called...

[48:54] Oh, no, Florida video store

[48:55] called, I think, Big Mama's Home Video.

[48:57] And it is about a Vietnam veteran

[49:00] dealing with the trauma of his memories

[49:03] after returning to the United States.

[49:05] And it is awful.

[49:07] Sounds great.

[49:07] It's one of these movies where you're like,

[49:08] this is so bad.

[49:09] Like, why?

[49:11] Ugh, like what?

[49:11] There's nothing they can do now

[49:13] that would make this less pleasant.

[49:14] Oh, okay, well, here's a sex scene

[49:16] where it's just the star's ass

[49:18] thrusting into something for a while.

Dan McCoy

[49:20] That something is pudding.

Elliott Kalan

[49:22] It does have an all-original heavy metal score.

[49:26] Okay.

[49:27] And there's one song where the refrain is like,

[49:31] back in the nom, da-na-na-na-na.

[49:33] But it's a terrible movie.

[49:35] Sounds fantastic.

[49:36] You spend roughly the first 400 hours of it

[49:38] just watching the main character

[49:40] sit around in his basement apartment

[49:41] moping and mumbling to himself and drinking.

Dan McCoy

[49:44] That sounds really good.

[49:45] So, guys, now that we've made our anti-recommendations,

[49:48] we should do our recommendations.

[49:50] Uncle recommendations.

[49:51] We should do them quickly.

[49:54] We're running a little low on time.

[49:55] I'll start 4th October.

[49:59] I'll make a horror movie recommendation.

[50:02] Okay.

[50:02] A bold play.

[50:04] I see your move.

[50:07] Zelda Rubenstein, of course, of the film Poltergeist.

[50:10] A movie...

[50:11] This is going to be a qualified recommendation.

[50:13] It's a movie that is looked back on with great fondness by a lot of people.

[50:18] I watched it recently.

[50:20] It gets a little slow in the middle.

[50:22] In the middle, once the Paris psychologists come in

[50:26] and there's all this nonsense talk about

[50:28] how spirits are just, like, you know, sad, lonely,

[50:33] like, confused dead people who are hanging around,

[50:37] which is totally in conflict with the rest of the movie

[50:39] where these poltergeists are horrible

[50:41] and are just out to cause pain,

[50:44] that's a little slow and not very interesting

[50:48] other than the part where the guy pulls his face off.

[50:52] Oh, yeah, the movie Face Off.

[50:53] Yeah.

[50:55] But the beginning of the film is a great, you know, Spielberg-style,

[51:00] this is suburbia, slow build to, you know,

[51:05] crazy paranormal things happening,

[51:07] and the end of the movie is a fun, you know,

[51:10] industrial light and magic,

[51:12] let's pull out all the stops, crazy freak out.

[51:16] And so I would say, you know,

[51:17] watch the first 45 minutes,

[51:21] skip the next 20, and then watch the end,

[51:24] and you'd have a good time.

Stuart Wellington

[51:26] They could have used a roller coaster

[51:28] sending people into a bone stripping machine.

[51:32] That would have been better.

[51:33] It would have made it.

[51:34] It makes any movie better.

[51:37] Any movie.

Dan McCoy

[51:37] What was I going to recommend, Elliot?

Stuart Wellington

[51:39] The Invisible Maniac.

[51:40] Oh, yeah.

[51:41] I recommend another horror movie

[51:43] that's totally scarifying.

[51:45] Not really a horror movie.

[51:46] About a high school science teacher.

[51:49] To see naked ladies.

[51:50] A high school science teacher.

[51:52] Scary naked ladies.

[51:53] Who somehow manages to make himself invisible,

[51:56] and then he goes about killing a whole bunch of high school students,

[51:59] including a couple of topless chicks.

[52:01] Yes, Dan.

[52:02] A couple?

[52:04] And in the process, he...

Dan McCoy

[52:06] Mainly using his invisible powers to see naked teenage girls.

Stuart Wellington

[52:09] In the process, he does some scary things,

[52:11] like he chokes somebody to death with a submarine sandwich,

[52:15] and another guy...

[52:16] Sounds frightening.

[52:17] Another guy he knocks over,

[52:18] and then jumps on their head,

[52:20] which explodes like a pumpkin.

[52:22] Yeah.

[52:22] So, totally terrifying.

Dan McCoy

[52:25] Directed by the same guy who directed The Hazing.

[52:28] Really?

[52:28] Yeah.

[52:28] Rolf Kaminsky.

Stuart Wellington

[52:29] Man, that guy, nothing but hits.

[52:31] Oh, Rolf the Dog.

[52:32] Yeah.

[52:32] Yes.

[52:33] Exactly.

[52:33] Rolf...

[52:34] The...

[52:34] The Muppet.

Dan McCoy

[52:36] Yeah.

[52:36] Hey, guys, let's do that take again.

Stuart Wellington

[52:38] I believe his ancestor was Rolf Gang Amadogus.

[52:44] It is a storied lineage.

[52:49] Elliot, what movie are you recommending?

Elliott Kalan

[52:51] He said as he walked away from the microphone.

[52:55] I think I will recommend another Shocktoberfest scare movie.

[52:59] I don't remember if this one's been recommended on the show before.

[53:04] The movie Sandman?

Dan McCoy

[53:06] I recommended it last week.

[53:07] Oh, you did?

Elliott Kalan

[53:08] Well, forget it.

[53:09] Well, I'll double up that recommendation.

[53:11] Double down.

[53:12] I was not here last week, so I didn't hear...

[53:14] I wasn't there for that one, but...

[53:15] You didn't bother to listen to it, either.

[53:16] It wasn't up yet.

[53:18] Listen, I'm a busy man.

[53:19] I've got Twitter followers to follow with ahead.

Stuart Wellington

[53:23] What's going on?

[53:24] Are you guys fighting?

Elliott Kalan

[53:25] A little bit, yeah.

[53:26] Stuart, Dan, and I are breaking up.

Stuart Wellington

[53:28] Is it because of me?

[53:29] Yes.

[53:29] It is.

Elliott Kalan

[53:30] You don't love us enough.

[53:31] And you're a bad kid.

[53:33] I'm a bad kisser?

Stuart Wellington

[53:36] You said you weren't going to fucking say that.

[53:39] People can hear this shit, dude.

[53:40] I don't know, like, four people, maybe.

[53:42] But still, people.

Elliott Kalan

[53:43] Well, I will second the recommendation for Sandman, and then, in addition, I will recommend

[53:48] not exactly a scary movie, but a fun movie for Shocktoberfest.

[53:52] Here's one you can watch with the kids, if you want to.

[53:55] A movie called Son of Frankenstein.

[53:57] It's the third of the Frankenstein Universal Series, with Basil Rathbone...

[54:02] Came before cousin of Frankenstein.

[54:04] Came before cousin of Frankenstein and Frankenstein's creepy uncle.

[54:07] Basil Rathbone as the son of Frankenstein.

[54:10] Boris Karloff in his final appearance as the monster.

[54:13] And Bel Lugosi as an evil kind of thief slash shepherd who was hung for his crimes, but the

[54:20] hanging didn't take.

[54:21] So his neck is just kind of bent in a weird way.

[54:24] Interesting.

[54:25] And it's a very fun, creepy movie with a kind of irritating kid in it.

[54:28] But otherwise, it's very good.

Dan McCoy

[54:30] Like all kids, am I right, guys?

[54:31] Yep.

[54:33] So...

[54:33] On that unpopular note...

[54:36] Condoms.

[54:38] Wear them shits.

[54:39] We say goodbye to Shocktober.

Elliott Kalan

[54:40] Well, that's the end of your community service, Stuart.

[54:43] You did it.

Dan McCoy

[54:46] It's always a little sad when another Shocktober ends.

Elliott Kalan

[54:49] Well, we'll always have Shockvember.

Dan McCoy

[54:51] I think you made the same joke last year.

Elliott Kalan

[54:53] Did I?

[54:54] Yep.

[54:54] And then...

[54:56] Sexcember.

[54:57] Because, yeah, we're not going to watch any more...

Dan McCoy

[54:58] We should watch, like, sexploitation films in December.

[55:01] We should make more themes.

Elliott Kalan

[55:02] Sure, yeah, we'll do more themes.

[55:04] Because that's what our listeners probably like, is theme shows.

[55:07] Yeah, November, the theme can be bad movies.

[55:09] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[55:10] Well, guys, thanks for bringing it.

Stuart Wellington

[55:11] Or turkeys.

[55:13] Nice.

[55:14] That shit is hilarious, dude.

[55:16] Well, for the...

[55:17] You gotta patent that shit quick before...

Elliott Kalan

[55:19] I don't have...

[55:19] What would I patent there?

Stuart Wellington

[55:20] You patented...

[55:21] It's not an invention.

[55:22] No, go...

[55:22] Well, listen to it again.

[55:23] You can just patent what you said.

[55:24] I don't think that's how it works.

Dan McCoy

[55:26] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[55:28] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[55:29] I continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[55:31] Good night.

Stuart Wellington

[55:32] Yay!

[55:35] Man, I was on fire tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[55:39] That's why I am a fan of the KC Royals.

[55:42] Because they will always be bad, and I never really have to pay attention to them.

[55:46] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[55:47] And they are like the baseball equivalent of the Uncanny X-Men.

[55:52] Exactly, yeah.

[55:53] Well, Wolverine plays for them.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] They do a fastball special.

[55:56] Bo Jackson played for them, right?

[55:58] Yeah, he was like a mutant because he could play more than one sport.

[56:00] He was the best at every sport, I believe.

[56:02] He was actually mediocre at both.

Dan McCoy

[56:04] He knows the sports.

[56:06] They never made any claims for him being good.

The Flop House: Episode #68 - Teen Witch

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