The Flop House: Episode #68 - Teen Witch

[0:00] At the request of our contest winner, we discuss Teen Witch.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] Hello, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] How are ya? I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:42] Holy crap. All the classic flavors together.

[0:47] The original peaches.

[0:49] You've used that one before.

[0:51] Oh, have I?

[0:51] Yeah, the flavors thing's new, though.

[0:53] Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[0:54] Elliot, I'm glad that you were able to come down here now that you're a celebrity.

[0:59] Yeah, climb down off your pedestal.

[1:00] Yeah, well, it's tough.

[1:02] It's lonely at the top of Twitter.

[1:04] So Gawker identified you as a celebrity on Twitter.

[1:07] Yeah, I was surprised by that.

[1:09] Apparently on par with Shaquille O'Neal.

[1:11] Are you sure they did not think that you were the character Elliot from the film E.T.?

[1:16] They probably don't.

[1:18] Or perhaps Kato Kaelin.

[1:19] I don't think so.

[1:21] All right.

[1:21] No.

[1:21] Is it spelled the same?

[1:23] No, it's not.

[1:25] What, Kato?

[1:26] No, no, Kalen, the way he spells it is different from the way we spell it.

[1:29] And Kato, though.

[1:30] Kato is spelled the same as the character Kato.

[1:34] I mean, Kato is his nickname.

[1:35] It wasn't his real name.

[1:36] Really?

[1:37] Yeah.

[1:37] Well, why do people call him that?

[1:39] I actually don't know how he got the nickname.

[1:41] Okay, let's continue.

[1:41] But you've now joined Aaron Sorkin as literally the only television writer who is also a celebrity.

[1:48] No, also listed by Gawker was my office mate, Hallie Haglund, also a television writer.

[1:54] Okay.

[1:55] And Dick Wolf, I feel, has some celebrity-ish things about him.

[1:59] Okay, I guess so.

[2:00] For a while, Stephen Jay Cannell until he passed away.

[2:02] That's true.

[2:03] Stephen Bochco.

[2:05] Okay.

[2:06] Tom Fontana.

[2:08] Man, he's showing you up, Dan.

[2:09] So you're putting yourself on the same tier.

[2:11] I am above them.

[2:12] I'm above all of those guys, yes.

[2:14] Now that you're a celebrity, are you going to start canoodling with people?

[2:17] Oh, I already have been.

[2:18] I've been sighted at the 21 Club and the Coconut Club.

[2:21] I like the scarf you're wearing.

[2:22] You've been sighted at the Brown Derby.

[2:25] Because the scarf, thank you for noticing, I've had to accessorize a lot more as a celebrity.

[2:30] So the scarf, the denim jacket, the sunglasses, the rings.

[2:33] It always seems to be windy where you're at.

[2:36] Well, that's part of being famous is there's always a slight breeze.

[2:39] Yeah, or you're just going places quickly.

[2:41] That's true.

[2:42] Because you're so busy.

[2:44] Speaking of busy.

[2:46] Yeah, I somehow made it onto that Gawker page, and I don't quite know why or...

[2:50] Ziggy, I think.

[2:51] Really?

[2:52] It's Ziggy that took me over the top.

[2:54] Three years later? How long ago was that?

[2:55] Time has no meaning inside of here.

[2:58] And inside of this MP3 player.

[3:01] And, of course, casually referring to Ziggy,

[3:03] we, of course, mean when you starred in the adaptation of Ziggy.

[3:06] Yeah, yeah, on Broadway.

[3:07] When you played Ziggy from The Wire

[3:10] in that high school recreation of the second season of The Wire.

[3:14] Well, I did. It was a one-man show in which I played

[3:16] the comics character Ziggy, the Wire character Ziggy, and Ziggy Marley.

[3:19] And at the end, there was a surprise appearance by Ziggy Stardust,

[3:24] played by myself that was that was really a surprise i wasn't expecting and we played the

[3:30] audience out of the theater me and the spiders from mars played by myself that was an amazing

[3:38] production yeah i was honored i deserved that tony that i didn't win energy one word

[3:46] yeah it's too bad i couldn't bottle that yeah if you could straight to the moon

[3:54] Yep.

[3:55] Well, in honor of us all being together for the first time in over a month.

[4:01] A decade, I think.

[4:01] Yeah, over a decade.

[4:02] You look great, though.

[4:04] Thank you.

[4:05] You too.

[4:05] Yeah, you guys both look great.

[4:07] I hope we have time to catch up, see how we...

[4:10] You're right.

[4:11] I was just flattering you.

[4:12] You've aged horribly.

[4:13] Thank you.

[4:14] The last time we all saw each other, I think, was when Flophouse Mania was in full swing.

[4:18] Oh, yeah.

[4:19] And we were at each other's throats.

[4:20] There was so much tension.

[4:22] Well, I wanted the Flophouse to go in this one direction.

[4:24] Living in the limelight like that.

[4:25] Well, what direction did you want the Flophouse to go in?

[4:27] A lot more pornos instead of normal movies.

[4:30] And instead of recording a podcast, I wanted to masturbate as a group.

[4:35] We tried it.

[4:38] We tried it once during our experimental phase.

[4:41] It was a little uncomfortable.

[4:42] I mean, even after we set up those Asian-style screens between the three of us.

[4:46] Yeah.

[4:46] Sure.

[4:47] Well, I mean, those were less Asian-style screens and more empty window frames with no glass in them.

[4:54] You could see right through.

[4:55] I was barely able to finish to completion.

[4:58] Oh, because for me, it was difficult controlling my ejaculate.

[5:02] Okay.

[5:03] You had to think of so much baseball.

[5:05] Yes.

[5:05] All the stats, the players' abilities.

[5:08] The different uniforms and costumes throughout the years, the mascots.

[5:12] A lot of Lenny Dykstra's face.

[5:15] yeah i find that to delay i just think of the utz potato chips ad at yankee stadium and that

[5:21] helps me out a lot i thought you were gonna say you think of the utz potato chip girl the little

[5:25] cartoon i'm not a pedophile come on that's why you say to delay i would horrify myself yeah but

[5:31] no no no i think of the logo i think of the utz potato chips logo okay and what it looks like

[5:38] when i'm at yankee stadium i see so yeah we were fighting a lot yeah if that doesn't work

[5:45] There's the Ray Katina used car billboard that you see when you're driving into the city.

[5:50] That is very specific.

[5:52] Well.

[5:53] I mean, I live in the New York area, and I still don't know what you're talking about.

[5:59] Well, you can go look for it.

[6:02] Okay.

[6:02] So.

[6:03] It'll be a flophouse scavenger hunt.

[6:04] Now people know where we're at.

[6:06] Yeah, we've never referenced recording this in New York before.

[6:12] Sure.

[6:15] So, but we're all together, and that meant we had to do something special.

[6:19] Yeah.

[6:20] Or, more accurately, we kept putting off doing something special until we could all get together.

[6:26] And that special thing is to talk about our contest-winning film.

[6:32] So we watched a film.

[6:35] Wait, wait, hold up, hold up.

[6:37] You were implying that the film won a contest.

[6:38] Yeah, we watched Black Swan, right?

[6:40] All right, sorry.

[6:43] We watched the Saturn award-winning film.

[6:46] The Sci-Fi Channel original, Manticore.

[6:50] Crocosaurus.

[6:52] To reset this for the audience that has both forgotten that this ever happened

[6:57] and gotten confused by our stream of gibberish.

[7:01] That's different than Croc Diner, by the way.

[7:02] Come on, I'm trying to...

[7:04] The diner where they serve crocodiles?

[7:05] No, it's the one that crocodiles work at a diner.

[7:08] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[7:09] And then they go back to the swamp after their shift.

[7:11] That's a real tourist trap.

[7:12] Not very successful.

[7:13] I see them taking off the apron, throwing it over the apron hook as they slither back into the swamp.

[7:17] I mean, the problem with that place is once you get over the novelty of the crocodiles working there, the food is just not very good.

[7:22] No, they're not good at all.

[7:23] Sure.

[7:23] And they'll eat you.

[7:25] But what happened is we had a contest a while back, and the prize was that the winner would get to choose a film for us to talk about.

[7:36] And it was a transparent ploy to allow us to watch a movie that wasn't new.

[7:42] Perhaps a classic bad movie.

[7:44] Or a good movie.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:46] They could have chosen Casablanca, The Godfather, you know, any of those movies.

[7:53] Big Money Rustlers.

[7:54] Anything.

[7:55] Literally anything.

[7:57] Any movie.

[7:58] Yeah.

[7:58] But the person chose Teen Witch.

[8:01] Teen Witch.

[8:03] Teen Witch?

[8:04] Teen Witch.

[8:05] It's a sandwich made out of teens

[8:06] I like where you're going with this

[8:09] I like mine without mayo

[8:11] Virginia mayo

[8:13] Now that that's out of our system

[8:22] I don't think it is

[8:23] I think it'll come back

[8:25] I don't think Dan's driving anymore

[8:27] No, there is no driving

[8:29] We watched the movie Teen Witch

[8:30] The driver's either missing or dead

[8:31] I think it was a movie about a teenager

[8:35] who, you guys

[8:37] can correct me,

[8:37] finds out that she's... You're on solid ground so far.

[8:41] She finds out she's a witch

[8:42] from... Zelda Rubinstein

[8:45] or Stein, I don't know how it's pronounced.

[8:47] And she uses

[8:49] her witch powers to give

[8:51] herself all of the things

[8:53] her heart desires. Well, let's talk

[8:55] about this character. With literally no problems.

[8:56] Her name is Louise Miller. She's played

[8:59] by Robin Lively, who is somehow related

[9:01] to Blake Lively.

[9:04] It's a piece of trivia that I know, but I don't know well.

[9:08] I've actually never seen them in the same room together, so I think they're the same person.

[9:12] Wow.

[9:12] So you're saying she used her teen witch powers to stay forever young.

[9:16] That was a movie, Dan.

[9:17] Come on.

[9:19] What the fuck do you think we are, like crazy people?

[9:21] Do you think Alf is real?

[9:23] No, Forever Young was a movie, but I'm saying that Robin Lively used her teen witch powers.

[9:28] Forever Young was a great movie based on the song of the same name.

[9:33] What? Wait, The Man Without a Face?

[9:34] No, no, no. That was based on a different song.

[9:38] Okay.

[9:38] So, wait, wait, wait.

[9:41] Are we just going to jump over the fact that Dan thinks this movie is real life?

[9:45] Dan thought it was a documentary about a real witch.

[9:48] Oh, okay.

[9:48] No, it was American Teen Witch, right?

[9:51] That's what we watched?

[9:52] Well, that's a teen witch with American cheese on it.

[9:53] So, Teen Witch, Louise Miller, she's very unpopular.

[10:00] She's got one friend who wears hats all the time.

[10:03] She has a younger brother who is some sort of ambisexual glutton.

[10:09] Yeah, he wore a lot of vests.

[10:11] A portly irritant with a lesbian mullet.

[10:17] With a flair for fashion.

[10:18] And she has a crush.

[10:21] Kind of a Drew Barrymore-like look, if you ask me.

[10:23] I think you're the only one who saw that in him.

[10:26] No, it's there.

[10:26] So she has a crush on Brad, the football player.

[10:31] Oh, okay, that Brad.

[10:33] Yeah, and –

[10:34] Brad from Rocky Horror.

[10:35] Yeah, Brad Bird, director of The Incredibles.

[10:37] Brad Garrett.

[10:38] Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond, yeah.

[10:41] But she can't get a break.

[10:46] The popular girl lives across the street from her.

[10:49] She's got that big, ugly coat that she has to wear.

[10:51] She wears a lot of big, ugly coats and ugly sweaters.

[10:53] Everyone in the movie wears ugly –

[10:55] She was sentenced to wear it.

[10:56] Well, it's a Harrison Bergeron type thing.

[10:59] She has two beautiful shoulders.

[11:02] So they would make her wear a giant coat.

[11:03] A giant boxy coat.

[11:05] Mm-hmm, to hide them.

[11:06] She is caught in a storm one night, right?

[11:09] Or maybe it was just nighttime.

[11:10] Wasn't Zach Gallagher in that Harrison Bergeron movie?

[11:12] The one for Showtime?

[11:14] Yeah.

[11:14] Or Cinemax?

[11:15] Showtime.

[11:16] Yeah, one of the two.

[11:17] I never saw it.

[11:17] I think there was a single lightning strike.

[11:21] So she runs for shelter at the haunted-looking home

[11:25] of a fortune teller played by Legend of Zelda Rubinstein.

[11:29] And she tells her, you're a witch, you'll turn 16 next week, and your witch powers are going to show up.

[11:35] She turns 16, her birthday party is ruined because there's another party that night,

[11:39] so none of her friends show up, even her best friend, who calls to tell her that the other party is going on.

[11:44] But she gets her witch powers.

[11:46] And she uses them to briefly turn her brother into a dog

[11:51] and make her mean English teacher strip in front of the class, played by Shelley Berman.

[11:58] Hilarious.

[11:59] She uses it to win a rap battle.

[12:01] Well, to help her friend win a rap battle.

[12:04] To win the heart of her own crush in the already classic song, Top That.

[12:11] And then she makes herself the most popular girl in school.

[12:15] Brad loves her now.

[12:17] She gets the lucky coat from the singer of...

[12:20] Never Gonna Be the Same Again?

[12:21] Yeah, exactly.

[12:22] She learns that popularity has a price.

[12:24] What price? I'm not really clear on, because it doesn't seem that bad.

[12:28] Lack of privacy, I guess.

[12:29] And her one friend doesn't like her name.

[12:32] Yeah, she becomes so popular.

[12:33] Holding up signs with your name.

[12:34] She becomes so popular, it becomes almost like a worldwide celebrity thing.

[12:38] Yeah, I wish that they had just done a montage of, like,

[12:41] they release a postage stamp with her face on it,

[12:43] time names her teen of the year, you know.

[12:46] Most popular girl.

[12:47] Yeah, she's elected president briefly, then ambassador to the UN.

[12:51] But, I mean, popularity has its advantages too, right?

[12:54] And about her, the teen president.

[12:55] Teen president, yeah.

[12:57] And then aliens land, just want to meet her, shake her hand, then they leave, you know.

[13:01] What kind of aliens?

[13:02] Let's go, let's say female aliens.

[13:06] Wow, that's exciting.

[13:07] Well, there's a lot of legs in this movie.

[13:10] There's a lot of teen girls showing, or actresses who are supposed to be teens in the movie, showing their legs off.

[13:16] Yeah.

[13:16] But we'll get back to that.

[13:18] Oh, will we?

[13:19] We'll creep you out, listeners.

[13:21] It wasn't all disadvantages, though, right?

[13:23] No, no, no.

[13:23] It wasn't all like a trail of tears.

[13:24] No.

[13:25] It had its moments.

[13:26] It was not the forced migration of Native Americans from their homes by the Andrew Jackson administration.

[13:33] No.

[13:34] I mean, she gets the love of her life.

[13:39] Yeah, Brad.

[13:40] She learns how to dress like Cyndi Lauper.

[13:41] They go to an abandoned house and make the shit out.

[13:44] Yeah, they do a lot of making out.

[13:45] Do they just make out?

[13:46] It seems almost implied that they make love.

[13:49] Maybe.

[13:50] I mean, they always have their shirts on and you never see them do anything more than kiss.

[13:54] Well, Brad doesn't.

[13:54] Brad takes his shirt off.

[13:55] He's still wearing a black undershirt.

[13:57] Yeah, he's got like a muscle shirt.

[13:59] They're doing some serious tongue kissing, though.

[14:01] There was real tongue kissing.

[14:02] That was not stunt kissing.

[14:04] His tongue, you can see, go into her mouth.

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:07] Full penetration.

[14:09] He was looking for something in there.

[14:12] Yeah, probably a hidden treasure.

[14:14] Or the secret to her witch powers.

[14:16] Or the secret of Witch Mountain.

[14:18] No, they would have escaped from that.

[14:20] He wasn't able to...

[14:22] I don't think he was able to steal either of those things, though.

[14:24] I mean, he didn't come up with the DVD, The Secret of Witch Mountain, nor did he seem to get any magical powers from his making of it.

[14:30] It's Escape to Witch Mountain, so Witch Mountain is like a retreat you go to when life just gets a little too hectic?

[14:36] Yeah, I guess so.

[14:37] Oh, I've got to escape to Witch Mountain.

[14:39] The weird thing about it is it's a lot like an abandoned house on the top of a hill surrounded by sunflowers.

[14:43] Yeah, well, actually, that's exactly what it is.

[14:46] So what does she do?

[14:48] She goes to Zelda Rubinstein, who previously has used Louise's powers to turn a frog into a man that she – it's implied rapes.

[14:59] And she's used her powers to redo her house in a horrible, ultra-modern style.

[15:07] Yeah.

[15:07] Well, Louise feels bad.

[15:09] She refuses to go to the dance with Brad.

[15:10] But then at the dance, she goes.

[15:13] She takes off her amulet, which was just stage costumery but apparently has magic powers now.

[15:18] and brad dances with her roll credits really doesn't everything resolved without being

[15:25] resolved nothing's resolved all the end she has made it there's a whole subplot where

[15:29] her only real friend among the faculty is the theater teacher played by marshall wallace

[15:35] because of a wish that you may know is the voice of mrs krabappel on the simpsons yes uh because

[15:41] of a witch that louise made uh the theater teacher a witch because of a witch that she made yeah to

[15:48] Keep the witch hunters off her trail.

[15:50] Yeah, to stop Vincent Price, the conqueror worm, from burning her at the stake.

[15:55] The devil rides out.

[15:58] Yep.

[15:58] Day of Wrath.

[16:00] Witch movies.

[16:01] The Crucible.

[16:03] There's no real witches in The Crucible.

[16:06] Whatever.

[16:07] Or are there?

[16:08] Arthur Miller originally wanted to end that play with the end, or is it, question mark.

[16:13] And then one of the witches flies over the audience on a broom.

[16:17] Yeah, just throwing candy.

[16:18] And saying, happy Halloween, everybody!

[16:23] Anyway.

[16:26] Throwing out packs of Salem's and going, get it?

[16:29] Get it?

[16:30] Smoke them if you got them, and now you do.

[16:32] So anyway, there's the theater teacher, because of a wish that Louise makes,

[16:38] the theater teacher wins the lottery, and an Argentinian baron.

[16:43] Count.

[16:44] Count. Argentinian Count.

[16:45] He's not a baron.

[16:47] Sorry, lower nobility sweeps her away, and as a result, Louise has to direct the high school show, I guess, which is something, some kind of magic play.

[16:58] I don't fucking know.

[17:00] And the star breaks—

[17:01] I think it might have been Shakespeare, some sort of—

[17:03] Some sort of magic Shakespeare?

[17:04] Mm-hmm, yeah.

[17:05] Shakespeare's The Crucible?

[17:06] Yeah.

[17:07] Now, the thing about it is—

[17:10] But even the play we never see.

[17:12] She's like a teenager, right?

[17:12] And this is a normal world.

[17:13] A teen witch.

[17:14] She's a teen witch, but in her world, being a witch is kind of different, right?

[17:18] Not everybody's a witch.

[17:19] This isn't fucking Harry Potter, right?

[17:20] Yeah.

[17:20] How does she figure out she's a witch again, guys?

[17:22] Zelda Rubinstein tells her.

[17:23] Okay, so it wasn't when she magicked away that dude who never showed up again.

[17:27] Oh, yeah.

[17:28] Wait.

[17:28] Hold on.

[17:29] I guess she wished him into the cornfield.

[17:30] Yeah, that's right.

[17:32] She goes to a different dance, the Harvest Dance.

[17:35] Sure.

[17:35] She goes with the popular girl's cousin who is a nerd who smokes pot and is really gropey

[17:42] grabby and says stuff like hey baby come on you're describing me from high school elliot stop it

[17:49] okay continue so it's a couple different archetypes rolled into one they're driving

[17:56] around in the bad part of town a threefer we call it you know three for he's a triple threat

[18:00] and uh in that he is inappropriately grabbing her and uh that's the threat part threatening

[18:06] she says what doesn't she say leave me alone yeah i just i wish you would i wish you would

[18:11] Just leave me alone.

[18:12] Yeah, and he disappears except for his glasses, which have to fall to the ground to show that he's not there anymore.

[18:16] Yeah, he pixelates for a moment.

[18:17] I don't know.

[18:18] Yeah, why did the wish apply to his clothes but not his glasses?

[18:25] That's what I want to know.

[18:26] That's a good question.

[18:26] Maybe those were enchanted glasses.

[18:28] That might be.

[18:29] Yeah, they might be the enchanted glasses of Goromor.

[18:31] I think it's because, first of all, glasses are unnatural.

[18:34] They're not in God's design, unlike clothes, because we need to cover our bodies.

[18:38] That's true modesty.

[18:39] So you're saying that God meant for some people to just have bad eyesight.

[18:42] Yes.

[18:43] So me and Elliot is what you're talking about.

[18:45] We're tampering in God's domain by affixing lenses to yawn eyes with which to see the truth of reality.

[18:52] It's opposite Harrison Bergeron.

[18:53] You're a Christian scientist is what you're saying.

[18:55] He's a Christian optometrist.

[18:57] So she sends this guy to the Phantom Zone and he never returns, right?

[19:02] No, we never see him again.

[19:03] He never crosses back over.

[19:05] No, this is the prequel to Superman 2.

[19:07] That is General Zod.

[19:09] No shit.

[19:09] That's probably how he got such a bad attitude.

[19:12] It was when he was still private first class Zod.

[19:14] Okay.

[19:15] But also, she drives his car home.

[19:18] Is that a commission position?

[19:19] Well, I mean, private's not, but he must have at some point.

[19:23] Did he have to go to an academy?

[19:24] Yeah.

[19:25] Zod Academy.

[19:26] Zod Academy.

[19:27] That's how he got in.

[19:28] Family name.

[19:29] Yeah, I'm finally going to get into ZA.

[19:34] Old Zod.

[19:36] Zod on my evil scholarship.

[19:39] but and also no one ever comes looking around for his car so she just leaves it yeah just i

[19:45] there should have been a there should have been a scene where she pushes the car over a cliff

[19:49] to get rid of the evidence well she should have pushed it over like later on like

[19:55] she switches on the radio the search continues for a missing local team

[19:59] or like they're described as nerdy newspaper in the background as she walks by what she should

[20:04] have done is push the uh the car off a cliff and then after it hit the bottom use magic to make

[20:09] that but i'm not the writer of teen witch you know if only if only i think if i had i would

[20:18] have been like nine years old so there probably would have been a little more boobs and a few

[20:23] more monsters well there's the there's a scene in which um all of the ladies in the movie basically

[20:30] all the ladies yeah all the teen ladies when they when they take a break from loving cool james

[20:34] They're in the locker room

[20:37] Dancing around with their leotards on

[20:39] Singing a song about how much they like boys

[20:41] To the camera though

[20:43] They're establishing to the audience

[20:45] That they're straight

[20:46] This was the 80s

[20:48] Lesbianism was rampant

[20:51] It was a national craze

[20:53] Slash crisis

[20:55] Every once in a while Robin Lively

[20:57] The American population

[20:59] Fell drastically

[21:00] As women just stopped having sex with men

[21:03] Yeah, there was no, like, copulation.

[21:05] We almost reverted to cloning.

[21:09] Yeah, reverted.

[21:10] Like in the ancient days.

[21:11] Just like our caveman ancestors who had to clone themselves.

[21:15] A very strange musical interlude in the midst of a non-musical...

[21:18] I don't know.

[21:19] I don't know if I'd say it was non-movie,

[21:21] because you also had the three-man rap group

[21:24] that was throughout the movie singing different songs.

[21:26] It was like the Terry Brother Rappers.

[21:28] Yeah, something like that.

[21:29] Yeah, the Terry, yeah, something like that.

[21:30] You had the woman at the concert singing the Never Gonna Be the Same Again song.

[21:36] You had two different dances where there were dances set to music.

[21:40] One where it was a DJ, one where it was a band playing.

[21:42] There were a couple of really long montages of her being popular.

[21:46] Yeah, I think this was a musical.

[21:47] I think it's a stealth musical or a stoozical or a soosical.

[21:51] It was the high school musical of its day.

[21:53] Yes.

[21:55] I have no point of reference on this one.

[21:57] It was the glee school soosical of its day.

[21:59] If I could roam leotards, I was actually fairly – they were all fairly scantily clad for the type of movie that this is.

[22:06] I was sort of surprised there's that.

[22:08] There's a lot of leg.

[22:08] There's a couple.

[22:09] It was a veritable leg show.

[22:10] If I recall, all girls in the 80s wore leotards everywhere basically.

[22:14] Yeah, even Margaret Thatcher.

[22:16] Yeah.

[22:16] And Nancy Reagan.

[22:18] There were a couple of scenes about –

[22:21] Estelle Getty.

[22:22] About sex education.

[22:24] Clara Peller.

[22:25] Sure.

[22:25] There's one sex ed scene that didn't even –

[22:28] If I recall –

[22:29] Grandma Moses.

[22:29] oh god there's one scene that if i recall did not even involve our like lead actress it was just

[22:35] like oh now we're going to cut to the sex ed scene a guy's going to say yeah you're right words that

[22:39] mean penis and then there's going to be like talk about a condom and then that and then an umbrella

[22:44] will open suggestively yeah and then like later on there's the big uh sexy makeout party it just

[22:49] seemed like this is actually a fairly like eroticized uh film for a movie that seemed like

[22:56] it was like it could have been a disney channel production for 12 year old girls well that they

[23:00] wanted to get that pg-13 rating yeah i guess so trying to ramp up the audience's uh excitement

[23:05] levels too i think they were this was this was going to usher uh both girls and men it was the

[23:12] rare crossover film hour of adulthood it was the rare crossover film where they were trying to get

[23:17] both the teen girl audience and the regular porn theater attendee audience sure now those two

[23:24] quadrants how long uh how long after teen wolf did this movie come out dan well this was in 89

[23:33] teen wolf was what 84 because it was right before back to the future i i certainly hope that teen

[23:39] wolf was before back i actually i know he shot it before back to the future because i because

[23:43] there were some countries where teen wolf was released after back to the future and so they

[23:47] retitled teen wolf the boy from the future really because back to the future had been such a huge

[23:52] hit see i was gonna say like oh they retitled it the time traveling werewolf but there might have

[23:59] been somewhere they called it that but that's amazing but i think teen wolf was like right

[24:03] before back to the future so that'd be along with the movie werewolf party that you you talked about

[24:09] in the last episode yeah the uninvited it's where you go to elliot's wedding uh-huh okay you're not

[24:15] on the guest list right everybody there's a werewolf and they devour you wow yeah yeah that'd

[24:21] And then the rock song Werewolf Party plays over the credits.

[24:24] Sure.

[24:24] Or the song Werewolf Bar Mitzvah from 30 Rock.

[24:27] Yeah.

[24:27] I'm trying to avoid intellectual property.

[24:29] Yeah, okay.

[24:31] So, but you'll steal my wedding.

[24:32] Well, yeah.

[24:33] Your wedding's in the public domain.

[24:35] What?

[24:36] It hasn't been 75 years.

[24:37] Feels like it, though, huh?

[24:40] Oh, tell me about it.

[24:41] I see the way you're touching that ring.

[24:42] Oh, boy, yeah.

[24:43] If only I could tear it off my finger.

[24:45] It weighs heavily, right?

[24:46] On my soul.

[24:46] It's like Atlas holding up the world.

[24:48] Yeah, except worse.

[24:51] Kind of looking for that Heracles to hand that bird it off to, huh?

[24:55] But then he's just going to trick me into taking it again.

[24:56] That's the thing.

[24:57] So, guys, structurally.

[24:58] But I was going to say, you still had, I mean, teen supernatural movies are nothing new.

[25:03] Even Teen Wolf was not new.

[25:05] There was I Was a Teenage Werewolf years earlier.

[25:07] I Was a Teenage Frankenstein.

[25:09] So I don't know if that, and there was Sabrina the Teenage Witch who'd been in the comics for years before this.

[25:14] The funnies?

[25:15] In the funnies, yeah.

[25:17] In the funny papers where I would see you.

[25:20] If I was leaving.

[25:21] Be weird.

[25:24] But, um, so structurally, I was going to say, guys, this is a...

[25:29] Oh, a Robert McKee classic.

[25:31] I mean, the way that, you know, like, the conflicts really come to a head.

[25:36] You know, like, she really comes in, she hits a real low point.

[25:39] More sarcasm.

[25:40] And the stuff that they bring up in the first act, it's all payoff in the third act.

[25:46] Oh, yeah.

[25:46] And at the end, like, all conflicts are resolved through, like, a really, like, heroic act of will by our main character.

[25:52] Okay, now what about this?

[25:53] Let me play devil's advocate here.

[25:55] Okay.

[25:55] What if this movie is—

[25:57] You are wearing a red shirt, so I think that's appropriate.

[25:59] Yeah, well, it's because I'm a devil's advocate at Target.

[26:02] Okay.

[26:03] It's because you're literally the devil's advocate.

[26:05] You are his lawyer.

[26:06] You're on call.

[26:07] And I wear a red shirt instead of a suit for some reason.

[26:10] The devil requires it.

[26:12] And he wears Prada anyway, so I look terrible next to him.

[26:15] I heard that somewhere.

[26:16] um buddy i'm halfway started that movie oh yeah my buddy your pal yeah didn't you guys date or

[26:22] something nope anyway what if there's something admirable about a movie that isn't a slave to

[26:28] structure okay in which it isn't resolved at the end so cleanly because life isn't so cleanly

[26:34] resolved at the end i'm listening but the problem this film is uh everything is resolved

[26:38] cleanly but for no reason but nothing is resolved like she's still popular she didn't undo the

[26:45] popularity spell do the popularity spell brad's still into her her hair still looks great yeah

[26:49] she just throws the amulet away but as we pointed out i don't know like to what degree the amulet

[26:54] had anything to do with it because she was just a witch on her 16th birthday it might have been

[26:57] like a dumbo's feather type situation yeah but because it was like a fetter or a fetish the

[27:02] scene before this zell rubenstein said the real magic is believing in yourself yeah and if you

[27:08] can do that you can do anything but she said which i wanted her to say like martin luther king

[27:13] he certainly believed in himself and look what he accomplished now early on she had to make an

[27:20] effort to wear the the frumpy clothing that her mother bought her yes but then she switched over

[27:26] using magic to just wear super sexy clothes and there was never any or a lot of tool yeah like

[27:33] you know what you should wear tutus is what i'm saying oh okay so it was never i mean still and i

[27:40] straight so we had trouble yeah it was never really addressed uh that why she didn't just

[27:45] wear those clothes in the first place like she didn't believe in herself oh she thought she

[27:50] she's using the magic to be able to wear hot denim she was using the magic as a crutch to

[27:55] change herself yeah to show off her getaway sticks she told brad she couldn't go to the dance with

[27:59] him then she goes and talks to zelda rubinstein who doesn't really like no it doesn't really make

[28:05] any change her mind or change anything where she said at the end she comes yes where zelda says

[28:10] sit down

[28:10] and Louise sits down

[28:12] on Zelda's lap

[28:12] and then they laugh

[28:13] and then they get up

[28:14] and then Louise sits down

[28:16] and Zelda sits down

[28:16] on Louise's lap.

[28:17] Hilarious.

[28:18] It's a little bit

[28:19] of physical humor.

[28:19] Well, they're trying

[28:21] to lighten the mood

[28:22] because that was

[28:22] a pretty tough scene.

[28:23] That's true.

[28:23] By that point,

[28:24] the movie had become

[28:25] a tragedy.

[28:25] This is the Blue Angel.

[28:28] This is the bleakest

[28:29] of German early sound film.

[28:31] But, you know,

[28:32] she says that she can't

[28:33] go to the dance

[28:34] and then she goes

[28:35] to the dance

[28:35] and then everything's fine.

[28:36] And her friend is...

[28:38] She changed her mind.

[28:39] People can't change

[28:40] their minds come on her friend's mad at her for being popular and then at the end of the movie

[28:45] i guess her friend is still mad her friend finds love in the hands of the crazy rapping guy okay

[28:53] and she doesn't need a friend anymore because she's found her best friend her love and she

[28:57] realizes after getting laid she's gotta stop being so uptight man yeah that's true chill the

[29:02] fuck out who cares so i want to ask a question what would the yeah you just ask it i mean

[29:11] i'm presenting it i'm presenting i want to take a sip of water

[29:15] the audience at home elliot is taking a sip of water thanks narrator we'll fully those sound

[29:22] effects in later um that's nice sipping water sound drink really gross um glorp i want to i

[29:32] want to present it to the table though i want to like i want to really put this out what call the

[29:36] meeting to order okay let's uh what would the modern equivalent of this movie be and by that i

[29:43] mean this movie is so this movie is so of its time this movie is really it really revels in being a

[29:52] movie from 1989 like this might as well be like the wedding singer like they're yeah they're making a

[29:57] joke out of the fact that this was made in 1989

[30:00] except for it actually is made in

[30:01] 1989. And Drew Barrymore was

[30:04] in both movies.

[30:04] Well, she did

[30:08] not play the brother in this movie.

[30:09] They don't look at all like it.

[30:12] I just have a hard

[30:14] time. This is a time capsule is what you said.

[30:15] But I also have a hard time imagining

[30:17] pre-Clinton.

[30:18] I have a hard time imagining a modern

[30:21] day young person's film

[30:23] that is also

[30:24] So, like, this totally bereft, like, this totally, like, of the moment, but also totally bereft of irony about anything.

[30:33] If you look at High School Musical 20 years from now, I think you'll see the same thing.

[30:37] The Bratz movie.

[30:38] Or the Bratz movie, for that matter.

[30:40] Face.

[30:40] Top that, Dan.

[30:43] I dare you.

[30:45] Yeah.

[30:45] I think you don't yet have the distance to see what people are going to remember the 90s for.

[30:53] which just happens

[30:54] to have a lot of the things

[30:54] that we remember the 80s for

[30:56] which is the kind of clothes

[30:57] and the kind of dancing

[30:58] and

[30:58] oh it's amazing

[30:59] it's just a real

[31:00] because there are plenty of movies

[31:01] that are very

[31:02] like a visual dictionary

[31:02] there are plenty

[31:03] like a movie like

[31:04] you know

[31:05] Gremlins

[31:06] is also very much

[31:07] of the 80s

[31:08] but we don't think of it

[31:09] in the same way

[31:09] as an 80s time capsule

[31:10] because it's

[31:11] the things that are 80s about

[31:13] are not quite the same

[31:13] it's more like a monster time capsule

[31:14] but also

[31:15] what monsters were like

[31:16] in the 80s

[31:17] yeah

[31:17] part of it for me though

[31:18] is what I'm saying

[31:19] is like this is

[31:20] such an irony free

[31:22] uh kids i think if you watch the high school musical movies i don't think they they have a

[31:27] developed sense of irony yeah those people are genuinely singing about how happy or sad they are

[31:32] yeah i did there is something refreshing about the fact that it is irony free that like

[31:36] there are relatively few moments where they feel like they have to like

[31:40] wink at the audience or you know it's stupid but what are you talking about is that hilarious scene

[31:47] so you're saying the voodoo doll gets thrown into the washing machine and the guy has to walk

[31:51] through the car wash.

[31:53] Oh my god, I forgot that part.

[31:54] Yeah, it really has nothing to do with the movie.

[31:56] So you're saying there's like a certain naivete about it.

[31:58] Yes, yes, you could say that, yeah.

[32:00] It's like folk art.

[32:01] It's unsophisticated.

[32:03] Sure.

[32:03] Okay, we all agree.

[32:08] Teen Witch.

[32:09] Resolved.

[32:10] I guess we should...

[32:11] Resolved.

[32:12] Teen Witch is a movie.

[32:13] On to the next order of business.

[32:15] Make our final judgments.

[32:16] I'll run through this fast.

[32:17] We all know what it is.

[32:18] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie,

[32:21] or movie you actually liked?

[32:22] We don't have any...

[32:23] When is this episode going to run?

[32:24] This is technically still a Shocktober episode.

[32:27] Yeah, so isn't it scarily bad

[32:30] or frightfully good

[32:32] or spookily good bad?

[32:34] Was it frightfully funny?

[32:35] Was it totally scarifying?

[32:39] Or was it totally snorifying?

[32:41] I think those were the categories.

[32:43] I don't even know what they correspond to.

[32:45] It doesn't really make sense for this one.

[32:49] Which one is closest to half a wormy apple or two and a half boners?

[32:55] Two and a half boners is half a wormy apple?

[32:59] Like two and a half boners is a lot of boners.

[33:02] But out of how many boners?

[33:05] If I get one boner from a movie, that's a pretty sexy movie.

[33:08] No, but it's not based on human boners.

[33:10] It's a scale.

[33:12] And then you might as well just use stars.

[33:15] Because if I'm basing it exclusively on the single boner, like, yeah, I'm a human being.

[33:19] I only have a single boner.

[33:20] Would I have to base it on the different degrees that my boner is able to achieve?

[33:24] I mean, I guess it depends on your refractory period, how many you can have during a movie.

[33:29] Well, if this was, say, like an episode, say an issue of Penthouse, you would base it on the level of boner you've achieved.

[33:36] That's what I'm saying.

[33:37] I don't understand what you're not agreeing with him.

[33:41] No, he gets it.

[33:41] No, he doesn't.

[33:43] Dan gets it, Elliot, don't worry about it.

[33:45] I was talking about, I'll forget it.

[33:47] So how many boners do you give it?

[33:49] 52 boners.

[33:52] But it's out of a scale of a million.

[33:54] I mean, I'm not going to cheapen the experience by telling them how many boners it's out of.

[34:01] I'm going to let the audience decide how many boners it's out of.

[34:04] That's no frame of reference.

[34:05] They don't know how good or bad the movie is.

[34:07] Isn't it, though?

[34:08] No.

[34:09] No, but they have to compare how many boners I say to how many boners they think I would say if it was an amazing movie.

[34:16] That doesn't make sense, though.

[34:17] Chill out.

[34:18] So I would say it was totally scarifying.

[34:22] You know what?

[34:23] You heard it here first.

[34:27] Stuart Wellington says Teen Witch is totally scarifying.

[34:30] So you can check the internet right now, guys, and it's already probably been updated.

[34:35] It's already on the DVD box.

[34:37] Yep.

[34:39] uh yeah no it wasn't that boring there was enough weird stuff going on uh drew barrymore got turned

[34:47] into a dog uh there's that uh voodoo doll sequence um yeah i thought it was okay i enjoyed it

[34:54] so totally scarifying boners elliot yeah it was totally boner-fying

[35:00] uh i wish you wouldn't just rip off what i do that's cool i would i would also say that it

[35:07] It's not a good movie, but there is an enjoyableness in how every time you think something's going to happen,

[35:14] a different thing happens, and it usually involves a bad song or dance number of some kind.

[35:19] And I know this movie holds a special place in the hearts of many that I know.

[35:23] You said a girl showed you this movie.

[35:26] Yeah.

[35:26] On a date?

[35:28] I'm not, listen, I'm not a tale-teller.

[35:31] This ring on my finger is like a cone of silence.

[35:35] Luckily, I am a tale teller, so I'll tell that story another time.

[35:39] You don't know it.

[35:41] He's been watching you for years.

[35:44] But I would say it was not snorifying.

[35:50] Okay.

[35:51] It's not a good movie, but it is a fun movie in the way of it makes no sense and it's very 80s-ish.

[35:57] For someone who grew up in the 80s, it's a special treat.

[36:01] Yeah, I'll go with, I guess, Frighteningly Funny is the good, bad.

[36:05] Oh, I forgot about that one.

[36:06] Yeah, I'll go with that one.

[36:08] I was frightened by how funny I thought it was.

[36:10] I started to worry.

[36:11] Yeah, I mean, this has a certain amount of a bad movie cult behind it.

[36:16] And I think that it's no Troll 2 in the annals of recent bad movies that have a cult behind it.

[36:29] It's no The Room.

[36:30] It's not The Room, certainly, but of those recent sort of canon of bad movies, I thought it was pretty good.

[36:42] It moves along, it's funny, it does weird stuff, and it is an amazing time capsule.

[36:48] Back when girls dressed properly like girls.

[36:53] Everyone, even the extras in the movie are dressed amazingly.

[36:57] Just have the craziest 80s outfits on.

[37:01] Costuming was really well done.

[37:02] Yeah, it should have won an Academy Award for costumes.

[37:04] Yeah, clearly.

[37:05] When the measure of a woman was her shoulder pads.

[37:08] Shoulder pads, the shortness of her ruffled skirt.

[37:11] Yeah.

[37:11] Whether there was a tutu on top of that skirt.

[37:14] Yeah.

[37:15] Oh, man.

[37:16] Well, I got some papers here.

[37:18] Uh-oh, our annual evaluations.

[37:21] Yeah, that would be weird if Dan just handed us subpoenas.

[37:24] Stuart, great.

[37:25] Elliot needs improvement.

[37:27] What?

[37:28] What?

[37:29] This place is a sham.

[37:30] It says, Elliot, fart sound effect.

[37:33] Weird.

[37:35] It says here, Elliot, wah, wah.

[37:37] So this one says, this is from Alex, last name withheld.

[37:43] It says, dear Flophouse, congratulations to Elliot on his wedding.

[37:47] Oh, thank you.

[37:48] It was the best day of my life.

[37:50] Much more importantly, he says.

[37:52] I disagree.

[37:53] Hey, stop sucking up.

[37:54] She's already married you, Elliot.

[37:55] She doesn't listen to this.

[37:56] Oh.

[37:57] A lovely, lovely woman.

[38:00] I could not see her sitting through one of these.

[38:02] Nope.

[38:03] Much more importantly, what can he tell us about his experience writing for Age of Heroes number four?

[38:10] Oh, it was a dream.

[38:12] That's what I can tell you.

[38:13] Is that all you can tell us?

[38:15] I mean, you're sitting on piles of money as we speak.

[38:17] Oh, yeah.

[38:18] All because of that, right?

[38:19] If you want a high-paying gig, if you want to be set for life, an eight-page story in a Marvel anthology series is the way to go.

[38:27] I imagine there's a certain amount of confidentiality you need to maintain when you're behind.

[38:31] I guess, I mean, it was a very smooth process.

[38:33] I sold them the story idea, and then I wrote the first draft.

[38:37] They asked for a couple changes.

[38:38] I wrote the second draft, and then it went to the artist,

[38:42] and Brendan McCarthy worked his magic on it, and everything came out great.

[38:48] It was a very smooth experience.

[38:51] Could you try and come up with some backstage drama?

[38:56] Oh, well, okay.

[38:57] Well, they demanded changes, and I said, no way.

[38:59] This story is my baby.

[39:01] I don't change nothing.

[39:02] So then what happened?

[39:03] Yeah, yeah.

[39:03] Then they hire some hack to rewrite it, make the changes.

[39:07] Suddenly, it's not even my work.

[39:09] I demanded they take my name off it.

[39:10] The Inuit Anti-Defamation League got involved.

[39:14] I'm surprised they didn't get involved.

[39:16] Well, they showed it to that test audience, right, of Inuits.

[39:19] Yeah.

[39:19] They were up in arms.

[39:20] They showed the comic book to a test audience.

[39:25] They made it into motion comics form.

[39:27] They showed it.

[39:28] They shot a short film based on the story.

[39:30] Yeah, motion comics, so they could all read it on their iPads.

[39:34] But it's on their Inuit pads.

[39:37] I stands for Inuit.

[39:38] Oh, no kidding.

[39:39] Is it made out of meat?

[39:40] Yes, it's made out of blubber and seal meat.

[39:43] But it was great, and I'm actively trying to sell Marvel on more stories,

[39:49] and there's one that I'm working on now that might go along, but who knows.

[39:54] Well, now that you're a celebrity, that should make it a lot easier.

[39:56] It should help that I'm a Gawker celebrity with a huge Twitter following.

[40:01] Well, I, for one, look forward to hearing more, Elliot.

[40:04] I mean, more about the Marvel Universe from you.

[40:08] Thank you, Stuart, for implicitly cutting me out of that.

[40:10] Dan, what's your problem? Why don't you want to hear more?

[40:14] Stuart's such a supportive friend, and you're just sitting here judging me.

[40:17] I said I, for one, because I'm the only one who cares about Elliot.

[40:21] Just me.

[40:22] Thank you for finally showing me that.

[40:24] The scales have fallen off my eyes.

[40:26] Dan.

[40:27] All right, this one, this email says,

[40:30] Hey, guys, I got questions.

[40:32] And it's from Joshua.

[40:33] Hey, back off, buddy.

[40:34] Take a seat.

[40:36] Hello, how are you?

[40:39] That kind of thing.

[40:40] Guys, taking the familiar with us?

[40:45] It's the email equivalent of pushing the door open

[40:47] and sticking his finger in our face.

[40:49] Shoving someone else out of the way.

[40:53] He says, first, where the hell is the review for Marmaduke?

[40:55] When that movie came out, all I could think of was,

[40:58] I can't wait until this film appears on the Flophouse.

[41:00] Please make this dream and the dream of countless listeners come true.

[41:04] We should make that dream come true.

[41:05] I think we could count our listeners.

[41:07] Yeah?

[41:08] Don't you do that?

[41:09] I think the listeners should help.

[41:11] They're countable.

[41:12] I mean, they're less than infinite, yeah.

[41:14] I think our listeners should help us to remember big movies that get released

[41:21] that we forget sometimes.

[41:22] Marmaduke's a good one.

[41:23] Jonah Hex I was thinking of the other day, we should definitely do.

[41:25] I don't want to.

[41:26] It's only like 82 minutes long.

[41:28] Okay, I do want to.

[41:29] But if you see him, if you see...

[41:33] He's got your doppelganger, Josh Brolin.

[41:34] I mean, although you're not hideously scarred like he is in that film.

[41:39] Yeah, and it's got my doppelganger, Megan Fox, in it.

[41:42] And Dan's doppelganger, a train exploding.

[41:45] I'm a very unusual looking guy.

[41:50] Just a very strange man.

[41:53] But if there's a movie that comes out in the theaters and you want to see us flop it and then we forget, remind us.

[41:59] Yeah.

[41:59] Because we forget sometimes.

[42:01] We do.

[42:01] We have lives.

[42:02] Second.

[42:03] And I'm implying that you don't, I guess.

[42:05] Yeah.

[42:06] Second, one thing that has always fascinated me with bad movies is something that Stuart brought up before in regard to 40 Days and 40 Nights.

[42:15] His favorite movie.

[42:16] Basically, can you three floppers tell me about one movie that you absolutely cannot stand?

[42:22] film so bad that you could only show it to people as a punishment and while stewart has spoken on

[42:26] the subject in the past i'm sure he can talk about another movie that inspires him to want to punch

[42:30] holes in the wall by the way my pick would be anger management starring adam sandler i had to

[42:35] leave my friend's house after watching the film since the big reveal made me angry enough to hurt

[42:39] also i totally dug the rotor reference that you made elliot awesome give up the great work guys

[42:44] and have a beautiful shocktober so i was just thinking about rotor earlier today and yesterday

[42:50] That is also a fantastic bad movie.

[42:52] Rotor?

[42:53] Yeah, just as a side note.

[42:54] Oh, it's got the best robot, I think, in movie history.

[42:57] It's a robot that talks like a pothead slacker.

[43:00] What?

[43:01] Oh, yeah, I guess.

[43:03] Forgetful robot.

[43:05] Brilliant.

[43:06] Yeah.

[43:07] Yeah.

[43:08] Oh, God.

[43:10] I mean.

[43:10] No, we're talking about movies we hate.

[43:13] Movies we can't stay.

[43:14] Movies that only show as punishment.

[43:15] Like, let me just say.

[43:17] Movies we don't like.

[43:18] Before we get into movies that we haven't covered by The Flophouse, I might put Old Dogs and Delgo as the films that I would want to show people if I just wanted to cause them pain.

[43:31] Sure.

[43:32] Yeah, although there's something about Whiteout or 10,000 B.C. that was...

[43:36] That's so boring.

[43:37] Delgo and Old Dogs were very bad, though.

[43:39] Hey, Dan, I watched your favorite movie the other night, and by favorite, I mean the movie you hate the most.

[43:44] yeah i was gonna this is bring you i was gonna bring up my own film but you can bring it up on

[43:48] my behalf and uh yeah i was watching nothing but trouble oh just thinking about it i hate it so

[43:56] much yeah i don't know why it was it was on that netflix instant watch queue and i just couldn't

[44:01] stop my hand from doing it i think the movie is so miscalculated as soon as dan akroyd shows up

[44:08] as, like, is he both of them?

[44:10] Yes.

[44:11] As both of the horribly obese...

[44:14] Oh, well, and John Candy is one of them, right?

[44:16] He's not both of them.

[44:17] No, it's some other actor,

[44:18] because that was an important part of my viewing experience.

[44:21] Who played Little Devil, I believe, was the character's name?

[44:24] Yeah, like the giant man-baby.

[44:26] There's two giant man-babies.

[44:29] Isn't there a girl played by a guy, though?

[44:31] Yes, John Candy does play two characters.

[44:33] Oh, okay, that's who I was thinking of.

[44:35] I forgot about the man-baby.

[44:38] Yeah, there's two of them.

[44:39] They're working like a smeltery.

[44:40] No, I mean, like, the movie's terrible before then,

[44:43] but by the time the man babies show up,

[44:47] you realize that this is such a hideously miscalculated movie.

[44:51] It's a movie that's like a trap door,

[44:55] and then you fall into quicksand,

[44:56] and you fall through that onto spikes,

[44:58] and then the spikes blow up.

[44:59] Yeah.

[45:00] Except less awesome than that.

[45:02] Scene after scene, like, yeah,

[45:03] Each scene is superseded by a more unpleasant scene to follow.

[45:08] I think the movie was written by either Dan Aykroyd or his brother.

[45:12] Oh, Dan Aykroyd wrote it.

[45:13] He might have co-written it, but he wrote it.

[45:14] I think it was originally a script for the Mousetrap movie.

[45:18] Dan Aykroyd, one of the writers of Ghostbusters.

[45:20] And that ghost book that his dad wrote that he did the introduction for.

[45:24] Yeah, which I saw him speak about.

[45:26] But anyway.

[45:27] Well, Dan Aykroyd is hit and miss in that he has had a hit and many misses.

[45:33] There is a character with a nose that looks like a penis, though.

[45:37] That's true.

[45:37] And the Digital Underground does get chewed up by a roller coaster and their bones spit out.

[45:41] No, they don't.

[45:41] He lets them go free.

[45:43] Whose bones get spit?

[45:44] No, that's one of the Baldwins and some other drug dealers.

[45:47] Yeah, that's other people.

[45:47] Oh, I got to mix that.

[45:48] He's entertained by the hip-hop music, so he lets them go.

[45:51] And the Digital Underground song is the best part of the film.

[45:54] He kind of entertains them as well.

[45:55] Dan Aykroyd plays, like, the organ, I guess.

[46:00] Yeah, his weird bone organ thing.

[46:02] He doesn't do his Blues Brothers routine again?

[46:03] A little bit.

[46:04] A little bit.

[46:05] I got it mixed up.

[46:06] Someone gets on a roller coaster and their bones get spit out.

[46:08] Yes.

[46:09] In a weird way, if this was an art film, it would be amazing.

[46:12] Because it is a really strangely bad movie.

[46:15] Terrible movie.

[46:16] It's a valiant attempt to make a comedy in the form of a horror movie.

[46:22] And by that, I mean a genuinely horrifying movie.

[46:25] But that's what's wrong about it.

[46:26] This movie is much more horrifying than any horror movie I've ever seen.

[46:30] You're looking into Dan Aykroyd's brain, and it's terrifying.

[46:33] Deeply unpleasant and upsetting.

[46:35] Yeah, you stare into the darkness.

[46:36] That darkness stares right back.

[46:39] Oh, yeah.

[46:39] You hunt monsters, they become a monster.

[46:41] I don't know what you're talking about.

[46:43] The only thing we have to fear is...

[46:45] Hey, I just want to throw out there,

[46:48] I've probably knocked this movie before,

[46:50] but a movie that I would subject people to as punishment is, of course,

[46:55] Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Next Generation,

[46:57] In part because I think the last 40 minutes of that, like, 70-minute long movie is just Matthew McConaughey and the rest of the cast just screaming at each other.

[47:06] It literally is just people screaming and dragging each other around the weird shack.

[47:10] But you finally get to see what happened if Leatherface and Picard met.

[47:13] That's true, but it's, yeah, terrible.

[47:16] Elliot, is there something that you just hate so much?

[47:21] The most recent movie that I had that experience with was Funny People, where I was watching it on DVD, and I could not bear to watch the second hour of it.

[47:30] You just have a real problem.

[47:31] So an hour and 20 minutes in, I just stopped.

[47:33] I'm not a huge fan of his, but this one in particular I found meaningless and pointless and irritating.

[47:41] But there are other movies.

[47:42] But there are even classic movies I don't like.

[47:44] Some like it hot I can't watch.

[47:45] I don't find that funny.

[47:47] But these are just movies that you dislike.

[47:49] These aren't movies that –

[47:50] But I don't like them.

[47:51] Well, Funny People I would show people as torture.

[47:53] Okay.

[47:53] And then, of course, there's a movie like Slow Bullet, which is the worst movie I've ever seen in my life, which is painful to watch.

[48:02] I mean, Funny People is competent to the degree that reasonable people can disagree.

[48:08] Funny People is an incompetent film.

[48:09] There are things that I enjoyed about that film.

[48:12] It's poorly titled.

[48:12] It is incredibly poorly titled.

[48:15] Unless it's ironically titled.

[48:16] Well, in which case it makes it a great title.

[48:18] It's not funny and there are no people in it.

[48:19] It's not an attempt.

[48:20] Really?

[48:20] It's less an attempt to make a comedy and more of an attempt to make a James L. Brooks film.

[48:25] Now, did he do that or was that a worthy goal?

[48:28] Those are questions that cannot be answered.

[48:31] I'd say no to both.

[48:31] Anyway, Slow Bullet.

[48:34] If anyone is interested in seeing what I consider the worst film I've ever seen in terms of an unpleasant viewing experience that is also boring, then Slow Bullet is the movie to watch.

[48:45] I assume never released on DVD since it's barely available on VHS.

[48:50] It's a film that was produced by a Florida video store called, I think, Big Mama's Home Video, and it is about a Vietnam veteran dealing with the trauma of his memories after returning to the United States, and it is awful.

[49:07] That's great.

[49:07] It's one of these movies where you're like, this is so bad.

[49:09] Like, why?

[49:10] Like, what?

[49:11] There's nothing they can do now that would make this less pleasant.

[49:14] Oh, okay, well, here's a sex scene where it's just the star's ass thrusting into something for a while.

[49:20] That something is pudding.

[49:22] It does have an all-original heavy metal score.

[49:26] Okay, awesome.

[49:27] And there's one song where the refrain is like, back in the nom.

[49:32] But it's a terrible movie.

[49:34] Sounds fantastic.

[49:36] You spend roughly the first 400 hours of it just watching the main character sit around in his basement apartment moping and mumbling to himself and drinking.

[49:44] That sounds really good.

[49:44] So, guys, now that we've made our anti-recommendations, we should do our recommendations.

[49:50] Uncle recommendations.

[49:51] We should do them quickly.

[49:53] We're running a little low on time.

[49:55] I'll start.

[49:56] For Shocktober, I'll make a horror movie recommendation.

[50:01] Okay.

[50:02] A bold play.

[50:03] I see your move.

[50:06] Zelda Rubinstein, of course, of the film Poltergeist.

[50:10] A movie.

[50:10] This is going to be a qualified recommendation.

[50:13] it's a movie that like is looked back on with great fondness by a lot of people i watched it

[50:18] recently gets a little slow in the middle in the middle once the the psychic the paris psychologists

[50:25] come in uh and there's all this nonsense talk about how spirits are just like you know sad

[50:32] lonely like confused dead people who are hanging around like which is totally in conflict with the

[50:38] rest of the movie where these poltergeists are horrible and are just out to cause pain um that's

[50:45] a little uh slow and not very interesting other than the part where the guy pulls his face off

[50:51] but oh yeah the movie face off yeah but the beginning of the film is a great you know

[50:58] spielberg style uh this is a suburbia uh slow build to you know crazy paranormal things happening

[51:07] And the end of the movie is a fun, you know, industrial light and magic, let's pull out all the stops, crazy freak out.

[51:15] And so I would say, you know, watch the first 45 minutes, skip the next 20, and then watch the end.

[51:24] And you'd have a good time.

[51:25] They could have used a roller coaster sending people into a bone stripping machine.

[51:31] That would have been better.

[51:33] It makes any movie better.

[51:37] What was I going to recommend, Elliot?

[51:39] The Invisible Maniac.

[51:40] Oh, yeah.

[51:40] I recommend another horror movie that's totally scarifying about a high school science teacher.

[51:49] To see naked ladies.

[51:50] A high school science teacher who somehow manages to make himself invisible.

[51:55] And then he goes about killing a whole bunch of high school students, including a couple of topless chicks.

[52:01] Yes, Dan.

[52:02] A couple.

[52:04] And in the process, he's using his invisible powers to see naked teenage girls.

[52:09] In the process, he does some scary things like he chokes somebody to death with a submarine sandwich.

[52:14] And another guy, he knocks over and then jumps on their head, which explodes like a pumpkin.

[52:21] So, totally terrifying.

[52:24] Directed by the same guy who directed The Hazing.

[52:26] Really?

[52:28] Yeah, Rolf Kaminsky.

[52:29] Man, that guy, nothing but hits.

[52:31] Oh, Rolf the dog.

[52:32] Yeah, exactly.

[52:34] The Muppet.

[52:35] Hey, guys, let's do that take again.

[52:37] I believe his ancestor was Rolfgang Amadogus.

[52:41] It is a storied lineage.

[52:46] Elliot, what movie are you recommending?

[52:51] He said as he walked away from the microphone.

[52:53] I think I will recommend another Shocktoberfest scare movie.

[52:59] I don't remember if this one's been recommended on the show before.

[53:04] The movie Sandman?

[53:05] I recommended it last week.

[53:07] Oh, you did?

[53:08] Well, forget it.

[53:09] Well, I'll double up that recommendation.

[53:11] Double down.

[53:12] I was not here last week, so I wasn't there for that one.

[53:15] You didn't bother to listen to it either.

[53:16] It wasn't up yet.

[53:18] Listen, I'm a busy man.

[53:19] I've got Twitter followers to follow with ahead.

[53:23] Are you guys fighting?

[53:24] A little bit, yeah.

[53:25] Stuart, Dan, and I are breaking up.

[53:27] Is it because of me?

[53:29] Yes.

[53:29] It is.

[53:30] You don't love us enough, and you're a bad kid.

[53:33] I'm a bad kisser?

[53:34] You said you weren't going to fucking say that.

[53:38] People can hear this shit, dude.

[53:40] I don't know, like, four people maybe, but still, people.

[53:43] Well, I will second the recommendation for Sandman,

[53:46] and then, in addition, I will recommend not exactly a scary movie,

[53:50] but a fun movie for Shocktoberfest.

[53:52] Here's one you can watch with the kids if you want to.

[53:55] A movie called Son of Frankenstein.

[53:57] It's the third of the Frankenstein Universal series with Basil Rathbone.

[54:02] Came before Cousin of Frankenstein.

[54:04] Came before Cousin of Frankenstein and Frankenstein's Creepy Uncle.

[54:06] Basil Rathbone as the son of Frankenstein.

[54:10] Boris Karloff in his final appearance as the monster.

[54:13] And Bela Lugosi as an evil kind of thief slash shepherd who was hung for his crimes, but the hanging didn't take.

[54:21] So his neck is just kind of bent in a weird way.

[54:24] Interesting.

[54:25] And it's a very fun, creepy movie with a kind of irritating kid in it.

[54:28] But otherwise, it's very good.

[54:30] Like all kids, am I right, guys?

[54:31] Yep.

[54:32] So, on that unpopular note.

[54:36] Condoms. Wear them shits.

[54:38] We say goodbye to Shocktober.

[54:40] Well, that's the end of your community service, Stuart.

[54:42] You did it.

[54:45] It's always a little sad when another Shocktober ends.

[54:48] Well, we'll always have Shockvember.

[54:50] I think you made the same joke last year.

[54:53] Did I?

[54:53] And then Sexcember.

[54:57] Because, yeah, we're not going to watch any more.

[54:59] We should watch, like, sexploitation films in December.

[55:01] We should make more themes.

[55:02] Sure, yeah, we'll do more themes.

[55:03] Because that's what our listeners probably like, is theme shows.

[55:07] Yeah, November, the theme's going to be bad movies.

[55:08] Okay.

[55:09] Okay.

[55:09] Well, guys, thanks for being here.

[55:11] Or turkeys.

[55:12] Nice.

[55:13] That shit is hilarious, dude.

[55:15] You've got to patent that shit quick before...

[55:19] What would I patent there?

[55:20] It's not an invention.

[55:22] No, we'll listen to it again.

[55:23] You can just patent what you said.

[55:24] I don't think that's how it works.

[55:25] For The Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[55:28] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[55:29] I continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[55:30] Good night.

[55:32] Yay!

[55:32] Man, I was on fire tonight.

[55:37] That's why I am a fan of the KC Royals.

[55:42] Because they will always be bad, and I never really have to pay attention to them.

[55:46] Sure.

[55:47] And they are like the baseball equivalent of the Uncanny X-Men.

[55:52] Exactly, yeah.

[55:53] Well, Wolverine plays for them.

[55:54] They do a fastball special.

[55:55] Bo Jackson played for them, right?

[55:58] Yeah, he was like a mutant because he could play more than one sport.

[56:00] He was the best at every sport, I believe.

[56:02] He was actually mediocre at both.

[56:04] He knows the sports.

[56:06] They never made any claims for him being good.

The Flop House: Episode #68 - Teen Witch

Transcript

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