The Flop House: Episode #70 - Jonah Hex

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Of all the blockbusters last summer, one entirely failed to bust blocks.

[0:05] We discuss Jonah Hex.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] Wait, what was your name?

[0:38] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:39] Oh, and I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:42] Stuart's, uh, rambling like a cat.

[0:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] For some reason.

[0:46] I thought you were going to like that sound effect. That's why I did it.

Elliott Kalan

[0:49] What I like about it is, it doesn't even sound like a big cat.

[0:54] It sounds like a house cat.

[0:56] It's not like you're a lion or a panther or something.

Stuart Wellington

[0:59] Yeah, well, it's the Flophouse. It's the house cat.

[1:02] So anytime the listeners at home hear,

[1:05] they know that's a Flophouse trademark moment.

Dan McCoy

[1:10] So that's our new mascot, the Flophouse house cat.

[1:12] Yeah, the house cat.

[1:12] So when will you drop in that kind of sound effect, though?

[1:15] What situation would you necessitate?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18] You know, when Elliot drops one of his trademark...

[1:21] Zingers.

[1:22] It's like a knowledge-based zinger, though.

[1:25] Oh, okay.

[1:25] And Dan does one of his, like, oh-hum.

[1:29] Oh-hum.

[1:30] Yeah, something like one of his, like, oh gosh darn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33] Sure.

[1:34] Oh, the misery of life.

[1:36] Yep.

[1:36] One of those.

[1:37] And then I would go...

[1:38] Okay.

[1:41] So Flophouse listeners, if you want to visualize what Stuart the Flophouse house cat looks like,

[1:47] go for it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] What, like visualize it in, like, a sculpture?

[1:52] Yeah, or Cray-Pas, you know.

[1:53] Okay.

[1:54] A bas-relief.

[1:55] Papier-mache.

[1:57] Or, uh, Japanese animation.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00] I always thought that, uh, James Bond should have a villain called Papier-mache.

[2:05] Sure.

[2:07] Be like the spirit villain, uh, villainess plaster of Paris.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] And a girl named Pussy-mache.

Elliott Kalan

[2:14] I don't know why, but...

[2:17] So, guys...

[2:18] I'll get it.

[2:19] I'll tell you when you're older.

[2:20] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[2:21] We, uh, we watched a movie tonight, which is what we do every night when we're together,

[2:26] except for the nights that we're not recording the podcast.

[2:29] Yes.

[2:29] Very true.

[2:30] Because we do spend time together off, off the, off the books.

[2:34] Sometimes.

[2:35] Off the clock.

[2:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] Not punched in.

[2:37] Not, not, not often.

[2:38] No.

[2:39] Not as often as I'd like.

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:40] Well, when that's, wait, no, the opposite of that.

[2:43] More often than I'd like.

[2:43] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[2:45] Uh, like, uh, this past Saturday, right?

[2:47] We all went out for drinks.

[2:48] Well, we, some of us went out for drinks.

[2:50] I was out of town.

[2:50] Sure.

[2:51] And not invited.

[2:51] Yeah.

[2:53] So that was a, we've already...

[2:55] I mean, we sent you an email, I think.

[2:57] I don't think so.

[2:58] Okay, you're right.

Dan McCoy

[2:59] Uh, what, wait, what did we watch tonight?

[3:01] We watched a movie called Jonah Hex.

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] Rawr!

[3:05] That doesn't, that wasn't appropriate.

[3:07] Based on the own, the restrictions you set earlier.

[3:11] For your rowring.

[3:12] I forgot.

Stuart Wellington

[3:14] Uh-oh!

[3:18] That's when, uh, when I do a goop, when I, when I fuck up, I have to do that sound effect.

[3:24] This is changing into a whole different type of program.

Dan McCoy

[3:26] There's all kinds of rules now.

Elliott Kalan

[3:27] We're gonna make some prank calls later.

[3:29] Yeah.

[3:30] Yeah.

[3:31] So, uh, what was the movie about, Elliot?

[3:33] Uh, what wasn't the movie about?

[3:35] Good things, that's what.

[3:36] Sure.

[3:37] Um, Jonah Hex, as you may know, listeners, is based on the long-running

[3:40] DC comic book character of the same name.

[3:43] Uh, he is a western gun slinger.

[3:46] Uh, slings guns, among other adventurous things.

[3:50] Uh, and in this movie, they decided to give him the ability to talk to dead people.

[3:55] And, uh.

Dan McCoy

[3:55] Which he used to, uh.

Elliott Kalan

[3:57] Which he used to get information, kind of, and to mend a fence between him and a man he killed.

[4:02] Not literally.

[4:02] Not like, Jonah, you better fix that fence.

[4:06] Uh-oh, it'll take the labor of the dead to do this and then raise the dead and make him build the fence.

Dan McCoy

[4:10] It was a metaphor, like that Robert Frost poem.

[4:13] Yeah.

[4:13] About fences.

Elliott Kalan

[4:14] About fences.

[4:15] That one, uh, that they made the show Picket Fences out of.

[4:17] Yep.

[4:18] Uh, should I do the normal plot summaries?

Dan McCoy

[4:21] Yeah, just go through, like, you know, just so little plot that.

Elliott Kalan

[4:23] Well, it's a short movie.

[4:25] It's less than an hour and a half long and they reuse footage.

[4:27] Uh, it's the kind of thing you would see in, like, an Italian exploitation movie where it's, like, short but they still manage to reuse footage.

[4:34] Because they don't want to pay for new footage.

[4:36] Uh, Jonah Hex, gunslinger, disfigured, his face horribly scarred.

[4:41] Misanthrope.

[4:42] Misanthrope.

[4:43] Misanthropic, played by Josh Brolin.

[4:47] Misfigured.

[4:48] Yes, he's misfigured.

[4:49] Yeah, no, I like that.

[4:50] Yep.

[4:51] Played by Josh Roland Brolin.

[4:53] Um, that's what they call him.

[4:55] Uh, he is a former Confederate soldier, boo, who wanted to get revenge.

[5:01] State's rights, though.

[5:02] No.

[5:02] Yeah, that's made clear.

[5:03] It's never what it was about.

[5:03] Oh, yeah.

[5:04] State's rights.

[5:05] As is said by, um, what's his name from The Wire?

[5:08] Uh, Lieutenant Daniels.

[5:09] Uh, Lieutenant Daniels, who plays the armorsmith, the weaponsmith, who builds...

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] Yeah, the Q character.

Elliott Kalan

[5:14] Yeah, he's the, he is the Q slash microchip slash, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[5:19] Yeah, microchip might be more appropriate.

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] Yeah, um, from the Punisher series, for those who aren't, don't know what we're talking about.

[5:25] Uh, as he says, you didn't fight for slavery or for secession.

[5:30] You just didn't like the government telling you what to do.

[5:33] So he's kind of a tea party hero for the 21st century.

[5:35] Yeah.

[5:36] This movie really sparked the tea party movement in a lot of ways.

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:39] Uh, people said, I want to be like Jonah Hex.

[5:42] I want a gun that shoots dynamite.

[5:44] Unpleasant.

[5:45] He, uh, he, uh, he, so he, he, his family was killed by John Malkovich, his former commanding officer.

[5:51] Wow, the actor John Malkovich?

[5:53] Yes.

[5:54] By a character played by John Malkovich.

[5:57] He's very meta, this character.

[5:58] In perhaps his laziest performance since The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

[6:03] Um, and so he wants revenge.

Stuart Wellington

[6:05] He was up there with like Jeremy Irons in the Dungeons and Dragons movie.

[6:08] Yes, yeah.

[6:10] Uh, sorry.

[6:12] I'm sorry that I brought that up.

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] And any movie where someone plays a character who's in a coma the entire time.

[6:17] Yeah.

[6:18] Uh, he wants revenge on John Malkovich.

[6:22] He's a bounty hunter.

[6:23] He's in love with prostitute Megan Fox, uh, who is shot.

[6:27] It's like old time Hollywood where anytime she's on camera, the image is really blurry.

[6:33] Like they, I guess they wanted to show that in the old West, women had no pores or imperfections in their face.

[6:39] So it's just like airbrushed like crazy.

[6:41] It looks like you're looking at her through a greasy window.

Stuart Wellington

[6:44] Like a Richard Linklater rotoscoped cartoon.

[6:46] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:47] It looks like, uh, Scanner Darkly.

[6:49] Yeah.

[6:50] As you pointed out earlier.

[6:51] Or Waking Life.

[6:52] Or Waking Life.

[6:54] You gonna name another Richard Linklater rotoscoped cartoon?

[6:56] You can't.

[6:58] You just used up your last ace, buddy.

[7:00] Those big commercials that he did, right?

[7:01] And I'm calling.

[7:02] Full house.

[7:03] I don't think he did do those.

[7:05] But those are the worst commercials.

[7:07] It's like the whole time I can't listen to what they're saying.

[7:09] I'm just like, why is this rotoscoped?

[7:11] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[7:12] Thought maybe that person had some kind of disfigurement and they're like, hey, let's, we like the actor, but we don't want to use all their face, so let's do a cartoon version of them.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] It's very funny.

[7:21] And then they cast the next commercial.

[7:23] Turned out they were disfigured also.

Dan McCoy

[7:25] Turned out that the casting director had one, only one eye and they couldn't see half of the people's faces.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] Because that's how it works when you only have one eye.

[7:34] You can only see half of things.

[7:39] He's a bounty hunter in love with Megan Fox.

[7:41] President Grant of the United States of America.

[7:44] U.S.

[7:44] Grant?

[7:45] U.S.

[7:45] Grant because it's the year 1876, the centennial.

[7:49] He hires Jonah Hex to find John Malkovich because John Malkovich has stolen some kind of super gun that the United States had Eli Whitney build.

[8:00] Which I guess Eli Whitney would have had to build it decades before, but I don't remember when Eli Whitney died.

[8:06] Jonah Hex.

[8:07] Oh, by the way, was brought back to life by Indians in his backstory, so he can talk to dead people now.

Dan McCoy

[8:12] Sure.

[8:12] Which was dealt with by the movie as perfunctorily as Elliot just did right now.

Stuart Wellington

[8:18] Wait, like Indians from India?

[8:21] No, no.

[8:21] Native Americans.

[8:22] Okay.

[8:23] So not like that Outsource show.

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] No, not like the show Outsource.

[8:26] And this incredibly important moment in Jonah Hex's history, according to the movie, when he is literally brought back from the dead, is dealt with as an animated sequence right before the title comes up.

[8:38] Also, there are no Native American characters in the film except his wife in a brief flashback.

[8:44] And his son.

[8:44] And his son in a brief – well, he's half and half.

[8:46] He's like a halfsy.

[8:47] Yeah.

[8:48] He's a half and half, yeah.

[8:51] They – I don't know what the name is for that.

[8:53] But the only Native Americans you see otherwise are mystical beings who bring Jonah Hex back to life again later in the film.

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] When he dies.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] And he and Megan Fox – Megan Fox is kidnapped.

[9:06] Jonah Hex tracks down John Malkovich and they stop him.

[9:10] Mm-hmm.

[9:10] And Will Arnett is in it and also –

[9:14] In a serious role.

Stuart Wellington

[9:16] And Wes Bentley.

[9:17] Wes Bentley in a not as serious role.

[9:19] I almost said Wes Studi and I think they probably could have put him in this movie.

[9:23] I mean they –

[9:23] Who's Wes Studi?

[9:24] He's a Native American actor.

[9:25] Yeah, that Indian actor.

[9:26] Who is it?

[9:27] What does he do?

[9:27] He was in Last of the Mohicans.

[9:29] He was the bad guy.

[9:30] Magwa.

Dan McCoy

[9:30] Okay.

[9:31] Magwa.

[9:31] I know that's Gizmo.

[9:32] I don't know whether he was Geronimo, but he definitely –

[9:36] Germanimo.

[9:37] In Geronimo.

Stuart Wellington

[9:38] Yeah, yeah.

[9:39] He was probably Geronimo.

Dan McCoy

[9:39] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[9:40] He was also in Deep Rising as a villain.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] Man, you guys should write the official authorized biography of – what's his name?

[9:48] I'm working on it.

[9:49] Which is it?

[9:49] Richard Lankletter?

[9:50] Wes Bentley.

[9:51] Wes Bentley.

[9:52] And also in a small role as Ulysses Esquirent's personal aide is a guy I knew in college,

[9:59] Mr. Seth Gable.

[10:00] So I was excited to see him.

[10:02] That was the one moment of enjoyment I got was seeing him in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[10:04] And this was another episode of Elliot Kalin's Name Droppers.

[10:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:09] Oh, great name drop.

[10:10] Uh-oh.

[10:15] Sounds unappropriate.

[10:17] I apologize for name dropping.

[10:19] Someone who was in the movie that we saw tonight.

[10:23] But yeah, Will Arnett maybe was the other bright point.

[10:26] Literally the first moment you see him and hope that he will have a comedy role.

Stuart Wellington

[10:30] Yeah, you start laughing as soon as he's on the screen.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] He's just one of those guys.

[10:33] He's funny as soon as you see him.

[10:34] Yeah.

[10:35] And then you're crying because you're watching the movie still.

[10:38] Yeah.

[10:39] And it is terrible.

[10:40] There's a lot of – oh, and also Jonah Hex has two huge Gatling guns on his horse that he only uses once.

[10:48] He has two guns that shoot dynamite sticks.

[10:50] He only uses them once.

[10:52] He uses a tomahawk.

[10:53] There's a lot of heavy metal guitar on the soundtrack.

[10:56] Yep.

[10:57] And he has a dog that tags after him who doesn't talk inexplicably.

Dan McCoy

[11:00] You're just listing things.

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] Well, listen, because here's the thing.

[11:03] If I told you here's a movie about a disfigured gunslinger who has a gun that shoots dynamite and Gatling guns on his horse.

[11:11] He's in love with a prostitute.

[11:13] Well, I think she's in love with him.

[11:15] And together they have to save the country from John Malkovich's giant super gun that shoots glowing balls of explosions.

[11:22] You would say this sounds like an amazing movie.

Dan McCoy

[11:25] Yeah.

[11:25] And you know what?

[11:26] Well, I mean, I don't know.

[11:27] Maybe in a pre-Wild Wild West world I would have said that sounded amazing.

[11:31] This could be the –

[11:32] I'm surprised we made it through like 13 minutes before bringing up Wild Wild West.

Elliott Kalan

[11:35] But in a post-Seraphine Falls world – I just think it was the first recent Western that came to mind.

[11:42] In a post-Appaloosa world.

[11:44] Yeah, but it's a terrible movie.

[11:46] There's all this junk that's just kind of jammed into the movie and you feel like they ran out of money halfway through making it and just kind of rushed everything else.

Stuart Wellington

[11:55] Yeah.

[11:56] Well, Megan Fox was really good in it.

[12:00] Well, what I always think –

[12:02] Okay, fine.

[12:03] She is terrible.

[12:04] Nobody is good in it.

[12:06] Yeah, she's terrible.

[12:06] The thing that I don't understand about Megan Fox –

[12:08] Oh, and Aiden Quinn plays Ulysses S. Grant.

[12:10] Is that Megan Fox is – she's a prostitute obviously.

[12:15] She's probably one of the more popular ones in whatever western Georgian town they're in.

[12:20] West Georgia.

Elliott Kalan

[12:21] She is in the Wild West but most of the movie takes place in Georgia and then right next to Washington, D.C.

[12:29] So I don't know how far west they could be since they're like a half-hour's ride between all those places.

[12:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:35] Like, yeah, half a day.

[12:37] Yeah.

[12:37] Maybe they use Indian magic to like transport – like smoke-based magic.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] If they had opened this movie with a title card that said, this is not the United States you know but United States of Magic and Wonders, I think it would have gone a long way towards making this a better movie.

Stuart Wellington

[12:51] And I'm sure they could have found the time for that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:54] Just to write it up.

[12:55] But yeah, she is –

[12:56] It looks like –

[12:56] So she's wherever.

Stuart Wellington

[12:57] It seems like she's the only prostitute in the town that we never see the rest of.

[13:01] And I would imagine she's probably pretty popular in whatever town that is.

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] Well, one man offers to leave his entire family for her.

Stuart Wellington

[13:08] And then that man later buys her contract from her owner I guess or I don't know if they have owners then.

Elliott Kalan

[13:15] I mean she has – it's one of those things that I assume it's like musicians in the 40s and 50s where like your contract was owned by a club owner and then someone could buy the contract and make you work at their mafia-owned nightclub.

[13:27] Then you get mixed up because you witness a mob killing.

[13:30] Sure.

[13:30] You got to go on the run, dress up like a woman.

[13:32] Okay.

[13:33] Suddenly you're having adventures with this female jazz band.

[13:35] Fall in love with one of the women.

[13:37] Uh-oh.

[13:38] Turns out she's a millionaire in disguise.

[13:40] Suddenly you're globetrotting the earth, going to Europe, bucking elbows with the hoi polloi.

[13:46] All of a sudden, uh-oh, bump into the wrong person.

[13:49] It's the Shogun.

[13:50] Now he's got an – he puts an honor vendetta out against you.

[13:54] Samurai ninja after your head.

[13:56] You got to rush back to America.

[13:58] But they get in.

[13:59] What are you going to do?

[14:00] Maneuver the mob and the ninjas into one building.

[14:02] Hope they kill each other.

[14:04] Anyway, that's my movie.

[14:05] I call it Million Dollar Getaway.

[14:08] And I'll sell it to the first studio that offers me $700,000.

[14:14] Hollywood, I await your call.

[14:16] Specific figure.

Stuart Wellington

[14:20] But anyway, you're saying so the man buys her contract as a whore.

[14:24] The guy buys her contract as a whore.

[14:25] And then because he wants to do whatever he wants.

[14:27] And we use whore not in a disrespectful way.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] But she – that's just the old west.

Stuart Wellington

[14:30] I think that's her – yeah, that's her job.

[14:32] And he – I guess he – and then he starts to like threaten her.

[14:36] So she gets mad.

[14:37] And then he aims a gun at her.

[14:38] So she stabs him in the chest.

[14:40] He even tries to shoot her.

[14:41] So she kills this guy.

[14:43] And then the next time we see her, she's just in the same place.

[14:46] Like I thought her contract got bought.

[14:48] It's a wild west, man.

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] Is she working for herself now?

[14:51] At this – at that point, I think she's working for his family.

[14:53] Yeah.

[14:54] His wife must have inherited the contract.

[14:56] Okay.

[14:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:58] She became a madam.

[15:01] A madam of one.

[15:03] That's a lifetime original movie.

Stuart Wellington

[15:05] I think there's a real story here about the murdering of your pimp and having to –

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] Well, that's – and you bring up an interesting point, which is that everything – nothing happens in this movie that has a consequence to it.

[15:17] People are killed.

[15:18] People kill.

[15:19] Things go exploding.

[15:21] There's other stuff that happens.

[15:22] There's no consequence.

Stuart Wellington

[15:23] Our hero gets killed and then a bunch of Native Americans bring him back to life.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] And people can get shot right behind you, but you don't notice them until Jonah Hex comes up right behind you with the gun.

[15:34] There's a flamethrower for the Lord knows what reason on a boat.

Stuart Wellington

[15:38] It's –

[15:38] Well, flamethrowers were pretty popular back then.

[15:40] Nope.

[15:41] Not true.

[15:42] On boats too.

[15:44] Boats and flames go well together.

Dan McCoy

[15:46] I mean you say that there are no consequences, but the one consequence that does happen is explosions.

Elliott Kalan

[15:51] That's true.

[15:52] So most of the laws of physics are – do get followed in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[15:58] Especially the exploding ones.

Stuart Wellington

[15:59] I think every bad guy dies in an explosion.

Elliott Kalan

[16:02] Some of them – well, except for – well, yeah, I guess you're right.

[16:07] There's also – let's explain this super gun, which is a giant – which is just basically a six-barreled cannon.

[16:14] And they have these glowing orbs that are super explosive that somehow Eli Whitney stole from a dragon or I don't know what.

[16:24] They're dragon balls.

[16:25] They're dragon balls basically, yeah.

[16:27] And –

Stuart Wellington

[16:28] I think they initially – they shoot like weird cannonballs first.

[16:31] They kind of sit there and then they shoot –

[16:32] Well, regular cannonballs.

[16:33] But I don't think they're regular because I think then they fire the glowing cannonball and it has some kind of reaction with the cannonballs they fired.

[16:41] Oh, you think that's what it is?

[16:43] I think, yeah.

[16:43] It's like a two-part – like a two-part thing.

Dan McCoy

[16:46] I don't think they ever explained it.

[16:48] Like I was like – what are they shooting?

[16:49] Like targeting cannonballs?

[16:51] Like the first one is just to make sure we can make it there.

[16:53] That could be it, yeah.

[16:54] The second one is the one that has the glowy stuff inside.

[16:58] I think it's a two-part reaction.

Elliott Kalan

[17:01] We're going to have to go right to Jonah Hex movie, care of Warner Brothers.

[17:05] I'll send an email to Josh Brolin.

[17:09] Dear Josh, I have a question about your movie, Jonah Hex the Movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] Can't you just summon him with your like sort of – your doppelganger powers?

[17:18] Your eerie resemblance?

[17:20] Yeah, I can do that.

Elliott Kalan

[17:20] Your eerie Indiana resemblance?

[17:22] Eerie Indiana?

[17:23] What's that all about?

[17:24] Well, it's a place and TV show.

[17:26] Okay.

[17:29] The –

[17:29] That was Josh Brolin leaving the room.

[17:32] The other thing that's great about the movie is how well it's shot.

[17:37] Leaving aside the wonderful script and brilliant plotting, there's the fact that it is – such wonderful cinematography.

[17:44] Sometimes you can even see what's going on on screen.

Stuart Wellington

[17:47] Yeah, there's a lot of scenes that are really, really dark and you can barely see Josh Brolin walking around.

[17:53] You like –

Dan McCoy

[17:54] You can barely see the details of Josh Brolin's scar.

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] You can hear sound effects of fights.

[17:59] Like it will be like –

[17:59] And then you're like, well, I got to assume a fight is going – like it's almost like watching a radio show at times.

Stuart Wellington

[18:07] I think the idea of doing a Jonah Hex movie, they hadn't really quite processed the actual effects of making an actor wear that makeup.

[18:17] Yes.

[18:17] Yeah.

[18:18] Like they didn't realize that he was just going to sound like mumbly Joe the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] So that's why they hired one of the mumbliest actors also?

Stuart Wellington

[18:24] Yep.

[18:24] Absolutely.

[18:25] Yeah.

[18:26] And I mean –

[18:26] Mumbly Jonah Hex.

Elliott Kalan

[18:28] They could have just –

[18:29] Mad Magazine.

[18:30] Hello.

[18:31] Ring, ring.

Stuart Wellington

[18:32] I've got your title.

[18:33] They could have just done some excellent ADR work with Josh Brolin or –

Dan McCoy

[18:39] Take him out of the makeup and have him say the words maybe.

[18:43] I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't have the money.

Stuart Wellington

[18:44] Because I think they had him wear the makeup when he did that opening like – when he did the opening narration.

[18:48] Yeah.

[18:48] You can't hear a damn thing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] He does an opening narration that kind of sounds like this.

[18:52] There's a gun in the frame of sound.

[18:55] Wall stuff explodes.

[18:57] I'm going to take him back life.

[19:00] There's a speed of the dead.

Dan McCoy

[19:02] Yeah.

[19:03] Meanwhile, I'm madly like turning the volume way up which exploded in my face when the train explosions.

[19:13] I was just glad.

Elliott Kalan

[19:14] I guessed that there was a train that was going to explode in this movie before I saw it and I was right.

[19:18] And a boat exploded.

[19:20] Two boats explode actually.

[19:22] Well, yeah.

[19:23] One gets blown up and the other explodes.

[19:24] I mean but they both explode.

[19:26] There's explosions.

[19:27] Yes.

[19:28] And a couple of buildings explode.

[19:30] It's all kinds of explosions.

[19:30] The Washington Monument is somehow exploded and then not exploded.

[19:35] It's not a good movie.

[19:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:39] We talked about the animated sequence in the beginning.

[19:43] Yeah.

[19:43] What about that?

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] Which looked like it was the art of Eduardo Rizzo but I don't know if it was.

[19:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:47] So I like that.

[19:48] That again seems like –

[19:49] He's a great artist.

[19:49] A case where they would have normally shot these actual scenes.

[19:54] Yeah.

[19:55] And put them in the movie because they're important points to be made.

[19:59] I think –

[19:59] In the plot.

Stuart Wellington

[20:00] I'm going to apply this to the ran out of money argument again.

[20:03] I'm going to apply the idea that this was a comic book, guys.

[20:08] A graphic novel.

[20:10] Oh.

[20:10] And they were trying to remind the viewers that it was once a graphic novel.

[20:14] Not originally drawn by the artists they used.

[20:18] Or animated.

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] Or they were just really lazy.

[20:22] I think laziness might have been part of it too.

[20:24] The whole movie is very lazy.

[20:26] Starting with John Malkovich's performance –

[20:30] You know, tranquilized performance and wig.

[20:32] Yeah.

[20:34] His wig was pretty tranquil.

[20:35] As I said, he told them, look, I can act or I can wear a wig.

[20:39] I'm not going to do both for the money you're paying me.

[20:42] And he was so bedraggled.

[20:44] I think they made the right choice though.

[20:45] He looked like – yeah, like a stuffed animal that got dropped in a puddle.

[20:50] He was just so soiled.

[20:52] And he's supposed to be like the dapper villain.

[20:55] But, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[20:57] The – now, what do you guys think about the fight at the end where there were three fights going on at the same time and one of them was happening in Josh Brolin's mind, I guess?

Elliott Kalan

[21:06] Oh, that's right.

[21:06] Earlier in the movie, you see Josh Brolin have a dream battle with John Malkovich.

Dan McCoy

[21:11] Where he loses, right?

[21:12] Some sort of nightmare or dreamscape.

Elliott Kalan

[21:15] Yes.

[21:15] He said when you – he says some people say when you die, you imagine – you see your unfinished business.

[21:22] And his unfinished business is killing John Malkovich in retaliation for the murder of his family.

Dan McCoy

[21:29] Some sort of fist fight in the red clay wasteland.

Elliott Kalan

[21:32] Red desert.

[21:33] Then later, he is finishing the business.

[21:36] He and John Malkovich are fighting it up in the bowels of the ship as a crazy contraption.

[21:42] John Malkovich raises glowing balls to the giant super gun cannon as it fires on Washington, D.C.

[21:48] Because boats have a lot of extra space in them.

[21:51] There's a lot of room underneath, yeah.

[21:53] Especially 19th century boats.

[21:56] And at the same time, he is replaying this dream fight, only he continues it and wins.

[22:03] But it's one of those things where it's like they're trying to show us that, yeah, he's winning in the dream.

[22:09] He's got his spirit back.

[22:10] Like, now he can do it.

[22:11] But he's already beating John Malkovich in the physical fight.

[22:14] Like, there's no – it adds nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[22:16] Yeah, I think he's already, like, got him on the ropes and they're still showing the dream fight going on.

[22:22] Yeah.

[22:24] I don't – I didn't understand what was going on.

[22:27] I didn't quite get it.

[22:28] I mean, they were patting the movie.

[22:29] I thought it was a flashback, but –

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] It was a flashback to a dream sequence.

[22:33] Awesome.

[22:33] But then it continued.

Dan McCoy

[22:34] Well, boxing is a mental sport, Stuart.

[22:36] That's the –

Stuart Wellington

[22:37] Oh, I didn't – so in a way, they were trying to reflect his sportsmanship.

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] Yeah.

[22:43] Okay.

[22:44] That's why they had all those shots of him training with Burgess Meredith, chasing that chicken, punching that side of beef.

Stuart Wellington

[22:49] Dan McCoy, once again, showing that he's here for his understanding of sports.

[22:54] Yeah.

[22:56] I apologize to –

[22:58] Wait, did I kick the thing out?

[23:00] No, he didn't.

[23:01] Did I unplug it with my foot?

[23:02] No, you didn't.

[23:03] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[23:04] You interrupted my apology, though.

[23:06] Oh, no, you can do it.

[23:07] Go ahead.

[23:07] No, I'm just going to apologize to the audience members for being –

[23:11] Chicken drunk?

[23:12] Even less engaged than usual on this podcast.

[23:17] I'm sick today.

Elliott Kalan

[23:18] Because usually you have a reputation as the guy who never pays attention, doesn't talk.

Dan McCoy

[23:22] I'm woozy.

[23:24] I don't know if anything I'm saying –

[23:25] Dr. Zinger, they call him.

[23:28] Dr. Zinger DDS.

[23:32] Yeah, but my woozyness is affecting my podcast performance.

[23:35] But I do want to talk about –

Elliott Kalan

[23:36] I mean, you should see Dan.

[23:37] He looks like a mess.

Dan McCoy

[23:39] He looks like Jonah Hex.

Stuart Wellington

[23:40] What do you want to talk about?

[23:41] What do you –

[23:41] How the –

[23:43] Did you cut yourself shaven?

Dan McCoy

[23:45] Toothpick slip?

[23:46] I want to talk about my connection to Jonah Hex, which was that I –

[23:51] He brought you back from the dead.

Stuart Wellington

[23:53] That's why you're so sick.

[23:53] We just recently saw the parody porno Boner Sex.

[23:56] No, no, no.

[23:57] Boner Triple X.

[23:58] I think you'll find it's Boner Sex.

Dan McCoy

[24:02] Mona Cox.

[24:03] I had a screenplay that I did read as part of the Writers Guild East.

[24:10] They do a reading series.

[24:12] Of screenplays.

[24:13] Of screenplays.

[24:14] And there were two screenplays that had excerpts read.

[24:19] By actors.

[24:20] By real actors.

[24:22] By actual working actors.

Stuart Wellington

[24:24] Like Josh Brolin.

[24:25] And Wes Bentley.

[24:26] And Wes Studi.

Dan McCoy

[24:28] And it was a great experience.

[24:29] I had a great time.

[24:30] My actors were all great.

[24:32] It was good to see something that I wrote and performed by people who know what they're doing.

[24:36] Wrap it up.

[24:37] But the point was –

[24:39] I was getting there.

[24:42] Point was –

[24:43] Paint a word picture.

[24:47] The other screenwriter, his most recent screen credit was on the film Jonah Hex.

[24:56] The guy who –

[24:58] The one we just watched.

[24:59] Yes.

[24:59] Okay.

[25:00] The guy I shared the night with.

[25:03] And his screenplay that they were exerting was about a bitter screenwriter who had spent years writing on something called Jeremiah Hawk.

[25:18] And –

[25:18] That was also based on a comic book.

[25:20] Yeah.

[25:21] And it was clear that this guy had an axe to grind about Hollywood and the way he had been treated by Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[25:27] He also said he wrote a script for Jonah Hex 12 years before this movie was put into production.

Stuart Wellington

[25:35] That was before the advent of Gatling horse machine guns.

[25:38] Exactly.

[25:39] Yeah.

[25:39] John Malkovich wasn't even alive then.

[25:42] Nope.

[25:43] It was just his father, Ron Malkovich.

[25:47] But he –

[25:47] You could have gone with Don Malkovich.

[25:48] That would have been a little easier.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] Not at all.

[25:50] I don't see how one is at L easier than the other.

[25:53] There's one letter difference.

[25:55] But he was saying that I guess he went to arbitration whether he would actually get a credit on this movie.

[26:02] And he didn't write this but enough of the plot from his screenplay was used that the Writers Guild demanded credit for him.

[26:10] And he was not happy.

[26:12] It sounded like he wasn't happy he got credit for it, that he didn't want his name attached to Jonah Hex.

Dan McCoy

[26:16] Yeah.

[26:17] Well, it was one of the biggest flops of this last year.

Elliott Kalan

[26:20] Yeah.

[26:20] And it was terrible.

[26:22] I mean this is not – this is not a – I like the character in theory.

[26:27] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[26:28] In theory.

[26:29] I like the Joe Lansdale stories.

[26:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] There are good Jonah Hex stories and this is not one of them.

[26:35] No.

Stuart Wellington

[26:37] What I would like you guys to help me with is Wes Bentley's character in this plays like the kind of like a feat Politico who is financing John Malkovich's character's terrorism.

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] He's the connected dandy that John Malkovich is using to further his evil scheme.

Dan McCoy

[26:59] And he –

[27:00] This is a plot that I somehow managed to entirely miss.

Stuart Wellington

[27:03] And he keeps being – he gets threatened a little bit to keep giving John Malkovich more money.

[27:09] And at the end –

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] John Malkovich starts choking him with his eagle-headed cane.

Stuart Wellington

[27:13] Yep.

[27:13] Right before the climax, John Malkovich turns it around and kills Wes Bentley.

[27:19] So what I was wondering is, is there like a name for that type of character like the Chode, like the guy who's just like a total tool and –

[27:26] Who helps the villain.

[27:27] And he's like the villain but he's not villain enough to actually – like he's not even good enough for the hero to kill.

[27:34] Like the villain will kill that guy.

Dan McCoy

[27:36] He's the Sam Rockwell in Iron Man 2 is what you're saying.

[27:40] Come on.

[27:41] Or more like the mob boss.

[27:42] There's less robots in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] The mob boss in the movie in Last Action Hero.

[27:47] Okay.

[27:47] Yes.

[27:47] And you think he's the villain but then his top hitman kills him and that guy's the real villain.

Stuart Wellington

[27:53] Perfect.

[27:54] You're absolutely correct.

[27:55] That's exactly what I was thinking.

Dan McCoy

[27:57] Wow.

[27:58] That's –

[27:59] You guys' knowledge of the Last Action Hero is superior to my – I mean it's a film that I saw.

[28:04] I've seen that movie so many times.

[28:05] I forgot.

[28:06] I don't know why.

Stuart Wellington

[28:08] Ian McKellen is amazing in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[28:10] There's a lot of amazing people in that movie.

[28:13] Danny DeVito as the voice of the cat.

[28:15] Yeah.

[28:16] It is a bizarre movie.

[28:19] Yeah.

[28:21] So yeah.

[28:22] Any thoughts?

[28:22] It is the action movie that dares to show you a scene from Laurence Olivier's Hamlet during the movie.

[28:31] So what are we thinking?

[28:33] What are we talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[28:33] I don't know.

[28:34] Yeah.

[28:34] Is there like a definition or a title for that character?

Elliott Kalan

[28:38] That's a good question.

[28:39] I would nominate the name Wilhelm just off of the Wilhelm scream.

[28:44] Okay.

[28:44] That scream that they use in movies all the time whenever someone falls off of something high.

[28:48] But that's – I don't – but there's no other reason for that just because I'd like to think that Wilhelm, the helper of the villain who gets killed by the villain, is the guy who makes that scream.

Stuart Wellington

[28:56] Yeah.

[28:56] He gets thrown off, I don't know, like a siege tower.

Elliott Kalan

[29:00] Yeah.

[29:00] Exactly.

[29:01] Or like a space fortress.

[29:02] Yeah.

[29:03] A star destroyer.

Stuart Wellington

[29:05] So listeners at home, if you guys have any more ideas on this title, you should email.

[29:12] Please chime in.

Elliott Kalan

[29:13] Please write us.

[29:13] Yeah, please.

[29:14] Send us a picture of Stuart the Flophouse house cat and send us your thoughts on the name of this character and other examples of this type of character.

Dan McCoy

[29:22] Sure.

[29:23] Okay.

[29:23] Well, that address would be theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

Stuart Wellington

[29:27] Not the house cat at theflophouseflopcast.

[29:30] At housecat.cat.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] That's Purina.

[29:35] Send it to Flophouse care of the internet.

[29:38] Okay.

[29:39] Okay.

[29:39] Flophouse.

[29:40] Main Street way.

[29:41] Okay.

[29:42] Okay.

[29:43] Okay.

[29:44] Okay.

[29:45] Hey, guys.

Dan McCoy

[29:48] What?

[29:49] What?

Dan McCoy

[29:49] What?

[29:50] I'm zoning out.

[29:52] Well, should we do final judgments?

Stuart Wellington

[29:53] I'm sick.

[29:54] Yeah, that's what we do next is final judgments.

[29:55] Final judgments.

[29:56] Final judgments.

[29:56] We're going to have you propped up on our shoulders for this one.

[29:59] Sure.

[30:00] So, Dan, you can go first.

Elliott Kalan

[30:02] Well, we got it.

[30:03] The categories are scarily bad, spookily good bad, and one wormy boner.

Dan McCoy

[30:13] It's November now.

[30:16] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[30:16] So, they're gobbly good, turkey terrible, or half a wormy boner.

Dan McCoy

[30:25] Well, using those nonsense categories, I would say that this movie is turkey terrible.

[30:33] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] Justify that.

[30:36] I mean, do you have a reason for it?

[30:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:38] Argue your thesis.

[30:39] I couldn't follow it.

[30:40] That might be because I have a cold, but I really couldn't follow it.

[30:43] I couldn't hear what the characters were saying.

Elliott Kalan

[30:45] I got to tell you, a movie about a-

Dan McCoy

[30:46] Things just blew up a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] I mean, a movie about a gunslinger who talks to dead people and blows up a train, or blows

[30:53] up a boat, you should be able to understand it if you have a cold.

Dan McCoy

[30:56] I don't understand it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:59] Yeah.

[30:59] So, it's a bad movie.

[31:00] Yeah.

[31:01] It mystified me.

[31:02] So, what did you think, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[31:03] I thought it was spookily good bad.

Elliott Kalan

[31:09] See, this is what happens when I'm sick.

[31:11] The whole thing goes off the rails.

[31:12] Spookily good bad?

[31:13] Off the rails like that train that gets blown up.

Stuart Wellington

[31:16] I think it stayed on the rails the whole time.

[31:18] They couldn't afford to have it go off.

[31:19] That's true, yeah.

[31:20] This is an unstoppable, Elliot.

[31:22] Jonah Hex calling off the rails.

[31:25] That would be the sequel.

[31:26] The video game sequel.

[31:27] Yeah, I mean-

[31:28] That would be the straight to the garbage can sequel.

[31:31] Like three minutes in, I was already shouting that I hated this movie.

[31:35] And, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:36] I think this is the most times I've heard you say, I hate this fucking movie during a movie.

[31:41] I think-

[31:42] Or, I hate this movie so much.

Stuart Wellington

[31:44] It felt like they were trying so hard to make-

[31:47] It was like they were trying to make the movie bad.

[31:50] Yeah.

[31:50] I mean, I guess they were successful if that was their aim, but-

[31:54] So, good work.

[31:56] Yeah.

[31:57] Congratulations.

[31:57] Spookily good bad.

[31:58] Elliot?

[32:00] Spookily good.

Elliott Kalan

[32:01] I would also call this turkey terrible.

[32:05] Based on the new November ratings that we'll use for every single podcast.

[32:11] It is, yeah, shoddily done and ugly and incomprehensible at times.

[32:18] And while a few people are not terrible in it, like Will Arnett, who is good in everything,

[32:25] and a couple other side characters, mostly everyone's bad in it.

[32:29] And it's just stupid.

[32:31] And a character who has-

[32:33] What's weird is that with a character like Jonah Hex, you could invent any type of story.

[32:38] He's basically the man with no name, but his face is all screwed up.

[32:41] Yeah.

[32:41] And he used to be in the Confederate Army, and that's all anyone knows about him.

[32:45] And you could put him in any story, any stock Western story, and it would have been a lot of fun.

[32:51] But instead, they had to gussy it up with supernatural powers and Gatling gun horses and pistols that shoot dynamite.

Stuart Wellington

[32:59] And they killed your favorite character like 25 minutes into the movie when the snake man got burned alive.

Elliott Kalan

[33:03] I forgot about the snake man.

[33:05] There's also a scene where Jonah, to get information from somebody, played by Tom Wopat, is at some kind of underground wrestling fighting to the death match.

Stuart Wellington

[33:15] It seems pretty above ground.

[33:17] It's in a giant tent.

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] No, but I mean it's not-

[33:19] It's in a giant tent that's made out of oil cloth.

[33:21] It's a huge tent with a lot of torches around it.

[33:24] Like it's advertising its appearance, and it's huge.

[33:26] But it does seem to be the kind of thing that would be done under the- you know, not legally.

[33:31] Where a giant man fights some sort of snake man with fangs who spits acid.

[33:35] Like one of the monsters from the movie The Descent.

[33:37] And you are- that's exactly what it's like.

[33:39] And you are waiting for the moment where Jonah Hex gets knocked into this pit, has to fight this snake man.

[33:44] And it does not happen.

[33:47] Instead, he pushes a man into the pit, leaves, stops a dog from getting beaten up, and then the dog follows him for the rest of the movie.

[33:56] But it is- and he- when he stops the dog from getting beaten up, he punches one of the guys who drops his flaming torch, which lights the entire tent on fire.

[34:03] It's almost like Inspector Clouseau was fighting- was involved in this.

[34:07] But it's like-

[34:08] This scene is over.

[34:09] Let's burn the- let's burn the set.

Dan McCoy

[34:11] Like, well, we can't explode a tent.

[34:15] I guess we'll burn it.

[34:16] That's kind of like a-

[34:17] Every scene ends in flames.

Elliott Kalan

[34:18] That was the producer's mandate.

[34:20] And the movie ends with that flame effect of, like, you know, the screen burns up and there's credits behind it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] Flamethrower the movie.

[34:28] Just when they thought it was safe to bury Tommy Lee Jones with his flamethrower.

Dan McCoy

[34:32] I'm going to make such a- so much money writing flamethrower the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:36] But this is a movie where 30 to 30- yeah, in your state, come on.

[34:40] You're delirious.

[34:41] You're going to be using some kind of imaginary typewriter on me and Stuart Wright, the best flamethrower script ever.

[34:46] And sell it for $700,000.

[34:47] Like, okay, ninjas, ninjas.

Dan McCoy

[34:49] We've got to put in a bunch of ninjas.

[34:50] Yeah, ninjas.

[34:50] Do you have a $700,000 debt you need to pay off?

[34:53] I don't want to talk about it, but yes.

Stuart Wellington

[34:55] So if anyone wants to buy-

[34:56] Let me introduce you to my friend over at Goldline.

[35:02] That's not going to help.

[35:03] It's not an investment place.

[35:05] Oh.

[35:06] He's got a lot of gold.

Elliott Kalan

[35:08] He's got-

[35:08] They sell antique coins at an inflated price.

Stuart Wellington

[35:11] Yeah, so he's wealthy.

[35:13] That's why-

Elliott Kalan

[35:13] Oh, yeah.

[35:14] Actually, that's a good idea.

[35:15] So he could loan you the money.

[35:15] But if anyone wants to buy Million Dollar Getaway or Flamethrower the movie, just contact me.

[35:20] Elliot Kalin, care of the Flophouse, care of the internet, 555 Main Street Avenue, AmericaUSA1234.com.

[35:29] But when the best character-

[35:30] You're going to get a recall.

[35:31] When the best character in the movie is-

[35:34] The snake man.

[35:35] Is the snake man who comes in 25 minutes, 30 minutes in, has nothing to do with the plot, is not a-

[35:41] But charisma.

[35:42] But he is the most charismatic, most likable-

[35:46] Charisma.

[35:47] Most-

[35:47] Yep.

[35:48] Still got it.

[35:49] Not too sick.

[35:50] I think that deserves a cat.

Dan McCoy

[35:52] Rawr!

Elliott Kalan

[35:55] You're back.

[35:56] You got it, Dan.

[35:57] When he is the best character in the movie, you have a problem with your movie.

Stuart Wellington

[36:02] Uh-oh!

[36:06] So yeah, the snake man.

[36:07] And that was the most Jonah Hex-y thing about the entire story.

[36:11] Was the snake man.

[36:12] That there's like a weird underground boxing ring between a-

[36:15] Like a fight between a giant and a snake man.

[36:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:17] It was almost like the movie 300 suddenly leaked into this movie by accident.

Stuart Wellington

[36:22] The good part of 300.

Elliott Kalan

[36:23] Yeah, yeah.

[36:24] With the monsters.

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:26] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[36:27] So-

[36:28] Not the violent sex.

Elliott Kalan

[36:30] Yeah, no.

[36:31] Not that part.

Dan McCoy

[36:32] I would have some letters to read, but I was, again, sick today.

[36:38] What?

[36:38] So I didn't-

[36:39] But did people send us letters?

[36:40] People did send us letters.

[36:41] So next time, we'll respond, but I didn't put them out.

[36:45] To you?

[36:46] No, it's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[36:46] Dear Dan.

[36:47] Okay.

[36:48] Are you okay?

[36:49] Signed, concerned in Cincinnati.

[36:50] Oh, thanks, Cincinnati.

[36:52] Dear Dan.

[36:54] Are you okay?

[36:55] Why are you writing such mean things about us?

[36:58] Signed, still concerned, but not as concerned in Schenectady.

Dan McCoy

[37:00] Wow.

[37:01] This is making me feel better.

[37:02] I know that these are completely made up letters, but the concern, the ad pouring of concerns

[37:07] still makes me feel good.

Elliott Kalan

[37:07] What about that hate mail from Pittsburgh, was it?

[37:10] Yeah, that guy in Pittsburgh hates you.

Dan McCoy

[37:12] Yeah.

[37:13] Look this up, Flophouse.

[37:14] The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette hates Dan McCoy.

[37:16] This is not a joke.

[37:17] You finally have a media feud.

Elliott Kalan

[37:19] Yeah.

[37:19] The first Flophouse media feud.

[37:21] And you know what?

[37:21] The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette can suck it.

[37:23] Yeah.

[37:24] That's what I say.

[37:24] Let's get this feud rolling.

[37:25] They can eat a bag of dicks.

[37:27] They can eat it real hard, and Pittsburgh is crap.

Dan McCoy

[37:31] Yeah.

[37:31] Also-

[37:32] More like Pittsburgh Post-Gazucks.

[37:35] Sure.

[37:35] Right?

[37:35] I haven't gotten lost.

[37:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:37] Do not give him a cat meow.

[37:38] He does not deserve that.

[37:41] Here's another fan letter.

[37:42] Dear Dan, you're my favorite member of the Flophouse.

[37:44] Flophouse.

[37:44] Signed.

[37:45] Non-existent.

[37:48] Oh, mean.

[37:50] That was uncalled.

[37:51] Pittsburgh might have mailed that.

Dan McCoy

[37:52] I like that.

[37:53] But I do like this.

[37:54] I do like fantasy mailbag.

[37:55] I think that in future months, if we don't have letters in any given week.

[38:01] So you hear that?

[38:02] That's a threat, listeners.

[38:03] If you don't send us letters, I will continue with fantasy mailbag.

[38:07] Ellie, I think it's time to open up your fantasy mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[38:11] Dear Stuart, where'd you get that hat?

[38:12] Don't know how I can see it through the podcast, but it looks good on you.

[38:15] Keep it up.

[38:16] Signed.

[38:18] Sartorially conscious.

[38:20] Nice.

[38:20] In Schenectady.

[38:21] That's two listeners in Schenectady.

Dan McCoy

[38:24] We've got a pocket.

[38:25] We've got a pocket of listeners there.

[38:28] Should we talk about...

[38:29] Should we talk about the deaths of Leslie Nielsen and Erwin Kirshner?

[38:35] We can.

Elliott Kalan

[38:36] Do you guys have anything to say?

[38:37] I mean, they're both sad.

[38:39] Yep.

[38:39] I mean, Erwin Kirshner, beloved for his direction of Never Say Never Again.

[38:44] Right.

[38:44] The best...

[38:45] Best known.

[38:46] Often called the best of the James Bond sequels.

[38:48] No, of course.

[38:49] For Empire Strikes Back, obviously.

Dan McCoy

[38:52] Brought an actual sense of drama to...

Elliott Kalan

[38:56] And frankly, visual style.

[38:57] George Lucas as well.

[38:58] Yeah, yeah.

[39:00] And Leslie Nielsen, a very funny man and also very good in Forbidden Planet.

[39:06] Yeah.

[39:06] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[39:08] They weren't...

[39:09] Neither of those were like sex-related deaths, right?

Elliott Kalan

[39:11] No.

[39:12] Both were men in their 80s who died of natural causes.

[39:17] Leslie...

Stuart Wellington

[39:17] So I don't have any jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[39:19] Leslie Nielsen, I actually am...

[39:21] That's someone I'm very disappointed that I didn't get to meet before he passed away.

[39:25] He was apparently a very nice person, a very funny person in real life.

[39:29] And actually, I did not realize how old he was.

[39:31] Yeah.

[39:32] That he's 83, 84 years old.

[39:33] Yeah.

[39:34] So here's the lesson to you Flophouse listeners.

[39:37] Take the time now to write fan letters to all those people.

[39:40] Yeah.

[39:41] I will.

[39:42] And maybe I'll finally get off my butt and write the fan letter to Ray Harryhausen that

[39:47] I've been meaning to write for about 10 years now.

[39:49] Yeah.

[39:50] As he continues to not reward, not motivate me by staying in perfect health.

[39:54] Well into his 90s, I believe.

[39:57] He's going to feel bad if tomorrow he passes away.

[39:59] I will feel very bad.

[40:01] But this podcast won't air until later, so you can edit it out if he does.

Dan McCoy

[40:06] Also, today it was announced that the Oscars will be hosted by, what's his face, James Franco and the woman who I believe was the maid of honor at your wedding.

[40:17] Nope.

[40:18] Anne Hathaway.

[40:18] Nope.

[40:19] Not at all.

[40:19] Yeah, your best buddy.

[40:20] Not a bet, no.

Stuart Wellington

[40:21] A powerhouse team.

[40:22] Are you jealous of James Franco though?

[40:24] I'm...

[40:24] Why didn't she ask you?

[40:25] You guys are so close.

[40:26] No.

Elliott Kalan

[40:26] I haven't talked to her in years or if ever.

[40:29] Oh, okay.

[40:30] I mean my sister knew her better than I did.

[40:33] Someone I work with made the joke that they are in the new Hollywood power couple Anne Franco.

[40:41] That was a Daniel Radosh Twitter joke.

[40:45] But, uh...

[40:46] Oh, Daniel Radosh.

[40:47] It'll be an interesting Oscars because neither of them is presenters and James Franco is kind of a weirdo.

[40:56] Yep.

[40:57] But I'm sure they'll do a fine job.

[40:59] Yep.

[40:59] But I guess they decided to not go with, like, comedy people for once.

[41:03] Because what was it?

[41:04] Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin last year?

Dan McCoy

[41:06] Well, that Jon Stewart was such a...

[41:08] Jon Stewart kind of ruined it for everybody.

[41:09] ...terrible flop that...

[41:10] No.

[41:11] No, listen.

Elliott Kalan

[41:14] There's only one terrible flop Oscar host and that's Whoopi Goldberg.

[41:17] Everyone knows it.

[41:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:20] So that was a segment called Hollywood Talk.

[41:23] It will not rancor.

[41:24] That was a segment called Edited Out of the Broadcast.

Elliott Kalan

[41:29] And, uh...

[41:29] It turns out that when Dan is sick, he wants to talk about the latest entertainment news.

[41:33] Much as occasionally Stewart will just bring up news stories or upcoming holidays for no reason.

[41:40] Hanukkah, right?

Dan McCoy

[41:44] What?

[41:45] Hanukkah?

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] Do we have any thoughts about the North Korea-South Korea feud?

[41:49] Let's date this podcast a little bit more.

Stuart Wellington

[41:53] How was, uh...

[41:54] How was your turkey day?

[41:55] Okay.

[41:57] Why are you guys laughing?

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Let's move on to recommendations and then we can put a bow on this sucker.

[42:05] A bone-a-hex?

[42:06] Yeah.

[42:07] Bone-a-hex.

[42:09] So...

[42:09] Movies to recommend...

[42:11] Bone-a-hex.

[42:12] Bone-a-hex.

[42:15] I saw a couple of, uh...

[42:18] I saw a couple of movies, uh...

[42:20] Advance movies, um...

[42:23] Thanks to, uh...

[42:25] Award season.

[42:26] Uh...

[42:27] I got to...

[42:27] I saw a screening of The Black Swan.

[42:30] Oh, I missed that.

[42:31] Was that good?

[42:33] Yes.

[42:33] Well, I'm recommending it.

[42:34] Oh.

[42:35] Uh...

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] I thought you were gonna recommend something.

[42:37] I thought you were just bragging.

[42:38] No, no, no.

[42:38] Did you make a legal copy of it with your, uh...

Dan McCoy

[42:40] Phone?

[42:41] My smartphone?

[42:41] No.

[42:42] No, that's too bad.

[42:43] Uh...

[42:43] And I also got...

[42:44] I also watched a screener of Somewhere.

[42:48] Uh...

[42:48] I have that at home and I haven't watched it yet.

[42:50] And I enjoyed both of them.

[42:52] Um...

[42:53] The...

[42:54] Somewhere is...

[42:55] Is really...

[42:56] I really enjoyed it for the first 99% of it.

[43:00] And then, like, the last 1%, the very end of the movie is...

[43:04] Is, like, such a big bullshit cop-out open-ending that it almost ruins the entire film.

Elliott Kalan

[43:09] Don't tell me what happens, but...

[43:11] It turns out it's all a dream.

[43:12] Yeah.

[43:13] Turns out...

[43:14] Uh...

[43:15] Or it ends with, uh, Lindsay Lohan typing up the novel...

[43:19] Mm-hmm.

[43:19] That she's gonna write for class.

Dan McCoy

[43:20] And then the door to the closet blows open.

[43:23] Mm-hmm.

[43:24] Mm-hmm.

[43:24] But, um...

[43:24] That's a reference thing.

Stuart Wellington

[43:25] And all of her friends from the labyrinth are there.

[43:27] Uh-huh.

[43:28] Wait, what?

Dan McCoy

[43:30] And Oliver Sutton is there.

[43:33] Oliver Sutton!

[43:38] Nice reference, Dan.

[43:39] Yeah.

[43:39] This is the callback recommendations.

[43:42] Um...

[43:42] You know, it's...

[43:43] If you like Sofia Coppola's other movies, if you like Lost in Translation or Marie Antoinette,

[43:49] this, like those movies, is entirely mood-based.

[43:51] Like, even more so than those movies.

[43:53] It's a tone poem.

[43:54] It does not have a lot of plot.

[43:56] Uh...

[43:57] Or none, pretty much.

[43:58] But I liked it a lot.

[44:00] And The Black Swan was, uh, was just a relentless, um...

Stuart Wellington

[44:06] Erotic rollercoaster?

Dan McCoy

[44:08] A good one.

[44:09] Uh, if the idea of the red shoes plus repulsion sounds good to you, then go see The Black Swan.

[44:16] That does sound pretty good, actually.

[44:17] Yeah.

[44:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:18] I love those movies, although I love the red shoes more.

[44:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:22] Oh, I thought you meant red shoe diaries.

[44:25] Yeah.

[44:25] No.

[44:26] Well, there is a scene where...

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] If you want to see the red shoe diaries plus Ramona, then...

[44:30] There is a scene where...

[44:31] Ramona and Beezys.

Dan McCoy

[44:32] There's a scene where Mila Kunis goes down on Natalie Portman, so there is a bit of the

[44:35] red shoe diaries.

[44:36] Spoiler alert.

[44:37] Yeah, that is a spoiler alert.

[44:39] I like a serious...

Elliott Kalan

[44:40] There's a bit of the red shoe diaries in that there's a sex scene.

[44:42] No.

[44:43] Unlike other movies.

Dan McCoy

[44:46] A racy sex scene between two Hollywood starlets.

[44:50] Hollywood starlets.

Elliott Kalan

[44:51] So does Natalie Portman successfully destroy her good girl image?

Dan McCoy

[44:55] Uh...

[44:56] I don't know about that, but, uh...

[44:57] I think this is probably...

[45:00] You know, I...

[45:01] She's, you know, she's gonna get an Academy Award nomination for it.

[45:04] It's maybe the best I've seen her act.

Stuart Wellington

[45:06] On a scale of one to Phantom Menace, where would you put this one?

Dan McCoy

[45:11] Really, Phantom Menace is the high end of the scale.

[45:14] Well, on that scale, I think I'd have to put it at a one.

[45:18] So not good, huh?

[45:19] Okay.

[45:20] I like it.

[45:21] All right.

[45:21] So, uh...

[45:22] You guys got recommendations, or are you just gonna keep asking questions about mine?

[45:26] Do you want to go first, or should I go first?

Elliott Kalan

[45:27] I can't think of anything to recommend.

[45:29] Really?

[45:29] You?

[45:30] Mr. Recommendation?

[45:31] Mr. Hollywood?

[45:32] Mr. I'm gonna recommend Castle Freak for the eighth time?

Dan McCoy

[45:35] Yeah, actually.

[45:36] While I'm at it.

Stuart Wellington

[45:37] Mr. Head of the Family?

[45:39] Mr. Invisible Maniac?

[45:43] Hey, folks out there in La La Land, why don't you go to your local video store?

[45:48] Just to love angels, specifically.

[45:49] Go to your local video store.

[45:51] No Netflix allowed.

[45:52] Go to the...

[45:53] Yeah.

[45:54] Fuck that.

[45:55] Go to the horror slash comedy department.

Elliott Kalan

[46:00] Not even a section, but a department.

[46:03] We had to hire another assistant manager just to cover the horror comedies.

[46:08] Just to see...

[46:09] Just cover the frighteners.

Stuart Wellington

[46:11] Go down to...

[46:11] Go down to aisle H.

[46:14] Okay.

[46:15] And pick up Head of the Family.

[46:16] Where intersex Roe C.

[46:18] Head of the Family is a great movie about a dude...

[46:20] You recommended this before.

[46:23] Yeah.

[46:24] I thought that was the thing, was I was recommending something I already recommended.

[46:28] It's right next to Castle Freak.

Elliott Kalan

[46:30] Not if it's Row H.

Stuart Wellington

[46:34] So you snatched up that Head of the Family.

[46:35] This is a video store which has a whole...

Elliott Kalan

[46:37] Is this my recommendation?

[46:39] It has a whole department for horror comedies, but none with that start with titles with the

[46:43] letters D, E, F, or G.

[46:48] What store is this?

Stuart Wellington

[46:50] This is that video store down over there.

Dan McCoy

[46:53] He's dismantled your logic.

Stuart Wellington

[46:55] So you snatch up that Head of the Family, go upstairs to the rental test.

[47:02] So they have a whole floor.

[47:04] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[47:04] You wait in line behind the lady who's renting Bicentennial Man.

[47:07] Okay.

[47:08] When she's done, when she's gone, then you pay your $1.50 to take the VHS cassette of Head

[47:15] of the Family home.

[47:16] So you can pop it into your player and have a nice night.

[47:19] Maybe pop some Redenbachers, some Jiffy Pops.

[47:22] Both of those.

[47:23] Both at the same time.

[47:24] And do a taste comparison.

[47:25] Make a night of it.

Elliott Kalan

[47:27] Watch a movie, do a popcorn taste test.

Dan McCoy

[47:30] There's going to be someone somewhere out there who's listening to this on their iPod,

[47:35] and they're doing exactly what you're saying, which is so ridiculously specific, that it's

[47:40] going to seem like you're talking to them and them alone, Stuart.

[47:42] That's the beauty of this.

Elliott Kalan

[47:44] That's how podcasts work.

[47:45] Yeah.

[47:46] Sensual.

[47:50] Elliot?

[47:51] I'm going to recommend...

[47:53] Try and follow that.

[47:54] I can't.

[47:54] I will just recommend a recent film called Sin Nombre, without name or without a name or unnamed,

[48:02] which is...

[48:03] Like one.

[48:04] Well, it's Sin Nombre.

[48:05] It's a Spanish language title, which is a movie about two migrants trying to make their

[48:11] way through Mexico and to the United States border.

[48:14] One is a Honduran girl with her father and uncle.

[48:15] One is a Mexican gang member who is on the run from the gang that he dedicated his life

[48:24] to and now wants him dead.

[48:26] And it's a really good, tough movie that sags a little in the middle, but is very good overall.

[48:32] And it has some scenes that really create a kind of bizarre nightmare world out of this world

[48:39] of migrants riding trains and things like that.

[48:41] And it's very good.

Dan McCoy

[48:43] All right.

[48:45] We made it, guys.

[48:46] We made it through.

Elliott Kalan

[48:47] Yeah, I'm doing okay.

[48:48] Yeah, I'm fine.

[48:49] I mean...

[48:49] I mean, it's mainly me that I was worried about.

[48:52] So you mean I made it through.

[48:53] Meaning you.

[48:54] Yeah.

[48:54] You made it through.

[48:55] I made it through.

Dan McCoy

[48:57] And no number of cat noises.

[49:00] You're a real hero.

[49:02] I have a real American hero.

[49:03] How's cat name left the building?

Stuart Wellington

[49:05] Really?

[49:05] Already?

[49:06] Yeah, he called it an early night.

[49:08] He's got to go pick up his daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[49:10] That's his night with the kids?

[49:12] No.

[49:13] Is he a single dad or...?

Stuart Wellington

[49:14] Well, yeah.

[49:16] I mean, and she just got off her shift at Wendy's.

[49:18] Oh, okay.

[49:19] So is she a teenager or an adult?

Elliott Kalan

[49:21] She's a young adult.

[49:23] So tonight the two of them are just going to head to the video store, go to the old

[49:26] horror comedy department, pick up Head of the Family.

[49:30] Maybe.

[49:31] Pop some Jiffy Pops, some Red Bunker.

Stuart Wellington

[49:33] I mean, he seemed to be paying attention to me when I was giving my...

[49:38] As soon as he started talking, his eyes glazed over a little bit.

[49:41] So I think he's going to go with my decision.

[49:43] And Dan's movies aren't even on video yet.

[49:45] Yeah, true.

Elliott Kalan

[49:46] Yeah.

[49:46] I don't know if they're even coming out on VHS.

[49:48] They're not even in the theaters yet.

[49:49] Yeah.

[49:50] Yeah.

[49:50] You would have to pay cash money in the theater.

[49:52] Yeah, I really dropped the ball on that one, guys.

[49:54] Whereas mine's on Netflix Instant.

Dan McCoy

[49:56] Yeah.

[49:57] Oh, God.

[49:59] Now I feel bad.

[50:00] I think we better just sign off.

[50:01] Okay.

[50:02] My name has been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[50:05] My name is Stuart Wellington.

[50:07] My name will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[50:10] He's back.

[50:23] Son, none will be left to remember it.

[50:25] But my name, Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[50:27] Meow.

[50:28] He's back.

Elliott Kalan

[50:42] Gossip.

[50:42] Do you guys like gossip?

[50:43] Hot gossip?

[50:44] Gossip girl.

[50:45] That's the best kind.

[50:47] Hot.

[50:48] Supposed to cold gossip like who shot Lincoln.

[50:51] Who changed the colors?

Stuart Wellington

[50:54] Sound effect night, I think.

[50:56] I don't even know why those sound effects are related.

Elliott Kalan

[50:59] Uh-oh.

[51:00] To what you say.

[51:01] Row.

Dan McCoy

[51:04] Everyone calm down.

[51:05] Just let me know when you want me to drop the needle.

[51:06] Calm down just enough so I can drop the needle on this thing.

[51:09] Yeah.

[51:09] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode #70 - Jonah Hex

Transcript

In this episode

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