The Flop House: Episode #71 - The Last Airbender

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the aptly named The Last Airbender.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:34] Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.

Stuart Wellington

[0:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[0:37] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:38] Wow, you've got a new sound effect every week this time.

Stuart Wellington

[0:42] Well, the thing that was cool about that was that was the sound my movements were making as I was doing my airbending.

Elliott Kalan

[0:49] Your airbending? But don't tell me the Flophouse house cat is gone.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] Oh, no, he just hasn't shown up yet.

Elliott Kalan

[0:54] Okay, good. Well, when he does, I hope he had some big fanfare.

Dan McCoy

[0:57] I'm sure it will be. Oh, he's great.

Elliott Kalan

[0:59] Fan favorite, the Flophouse house cat.

Dan McCoy

[1:02] I've got to say, I don't care to have my air bent.

[1:06] No?

[1:06] You know, you're in my apartment. You come in, you start bending my air.

[1:10] Yeah.

[1:10] You didn't even ask.

[1:12] I don't know if you could straighten the air back out.

[1:15] I don't think that's possible.

[1:17] It's easier to breathe that way. It's better for my skin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] Yeah, bent air doesn't fit down the throat as easily.

[1:23] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24] I mainly do it for the cardio workout, to be honest, guys.

[1:28] Yeah.

[1:29] To attract a mate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30] I thought it would be to...

[1:32] Like a pink cat.

[1:33] I see a lot of old ladies in the park airbending.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:36] In the mornings.

[1:37] Yeah, yeah, yeah. In what, like the Sunset Park park?

Dan McCoy

[1:40] I mean, it seems to have worked for you.

[1:42] You have attracted a mate.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44] Yeah, and how do you think I did that?

Dan McCoy

[1:45] Well, I don't seem to remember you airbending before.

[1:47] You weren't there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48] Yeah, you weren't there.

[1:49] Okay.

[1:50] I don't know.

[1:50] There's a lot of bending.

Dan McCoy

[1:51] I don't know what happens behind closed doors.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54] It was all part of my ritual.

[1:56] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:57] So, this talk of airbending isn't just coincidental, as I'm sure you thought, listener.

[2:02] It isn't from out of nowhere.

[2:03] We watched Avatar colon The Last Airbender tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07] It's just called The Last Airbender.

[2:08] Is it?

[2:08] They removed Avatar from the title.

[2:10] Yeah, completely.

[2:11] Holy fucking shit.

[2:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:12] You didn't...

[2:13] You saw the movie with this...

Elliott Kalan

[2:14] Did you not see the opening title credits?

Dan McCoy

[2:15] I saw the promos for the movie that were called Avatar The Last Airbender.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] I don't think so.

[2:20] I think you're making that up, because I think it was always The Last Airbender, right?

Elliott Kalan

[2:25] When they first announced it, it was Avatar The Last Airbender.

Stuart Wellington

[2:28] Oh, okay.

[2:29] And then they removed Avatar from it.

[2:30] Why was that?

[2:31] Why did they change it?

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] Another movie came out called Avatar.

[2:35] Is it based on the same thing?

[2:37] No, based on a different thing, and it turned out to be the highest grossing movie of forever,

[2:42] I think.

Stuart Wellington

[2:43] Sure.

[2:44] And why was that movie called Avatar again?

Elliott Kalan

[2:46] Was there an Avatar in it?

Dan McCoy

[2:47] It was about people's Gchat icons.

[2:49] Yes, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] It was about message boards.

Dan McCoy

[2:51] They're Xbox Live characters.

[2:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:55] All right.

[2:55] Yeah, it was originally called GIF.

[2:57] Animated GIF.

Dan McCoy

[2:58] Glad that we cleared that up.

[3:00] It was called a lolcat.

[3:03] Or a housecat?

[3:04] No, no.

[3:05] Still not here.

[3:06] Still not here.

[3:07] He's out.

[3:08] He's out of time getting around.

[3:09] I still haven't seen him.

[3:10] Tom catting around.

[3:11] I still haven't seen Avatar.

Elliott Kalan

[3:12] I may never at this point.

Dan McCoy

[3:14] Avatar The Last Airbender or Avatar...

[3:16] I think you seriously missed your chance because...

[3:19] I think I did too.

[3:21] Because I...

[3:21] You know, because I was...

[3:23] Because I've been doing like promo animations for Cinemax, we got, you know, HBO and Cinemax

[3:28] as a package.

[3:29] We hadn't had them for a while.

[3:30] And Avatar is on HBO recently.

Stuart Wellington

[3:33] Look at Mr. Big Money over here as HBO and Cinemax.

Dan McCoy

[3:36] No, I...

[3:37] This is like...

[3:38] Oh, I have the premium channels.

[3:39] No, the thing is like, this is my guilt.

[3:41] I can watch...

Stuart Wellington

[3:41] I know what you do late at night.

[3:42] I can watch erotic confessions on demand.

Dan McCoy

[3:45] I fall asleep to a rebroadcast of Sorority Row.

[3:50] That's what I do.

[3:51] Oh, awesome.

[3:51] No, but...

[3:52] No, I say it because of like my weird sense of guilt of the fact that like we don't make

[3:57] a lot of money.

[3:57] So I feel like I need to justify it to my listeners.

[4:00] Like, it's all right.

[4:00] It's all right that I have premium cable guys.

[4:02] No, no, no.

[4:03] You want them to think that we're like top of the world.

[4:05] They have to look up to us.

[4:06] Yeah, come on.

[4:06] Like we're some kind of millionaires.

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] If he has someone who does make a lot of money, it's a waste of money for you to get

[4:11] those channels.

[4:12] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[4:12] If he has someone who's talking to you who makes a lot of money, I want to punch you in the

[4:15] face.

[4:17] But anyway...

Elliott Kalan

[4:18] Lovehouse, house cats, save us.

Dan McCoy

[4:19] Rawr, rawr!

[4:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:21] My point was...

[4:22] Oh, man, somebody...

[4:23] It's because I broke out the beluga caviar.

Elliott Kalan

[4:27] He eats only the best.

Dan McCoy

[4:29] He's got refined taste.

[4:30] He's...

[4:30] A refined power.

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] He is the original party animal.

[4:33] But in an elegant way.

Dan McCoy

[4:35] No, he's not the original.

[4:36] Elegant parties.

[4:38] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] The original elegant party animal.

[4:40] Okay.

[4:40] It's a little different.

[4:41] No, but I've seen...

[4:42] Eating fancy feast and the crystal dish?

[4:43] He invented that.

Dan McCoy

[4:45] I've seen bits and pieces of Avatar on HBO.

[4:49] Now I'm like, wow, this...

[4:50] The Last Airbender?

[4:51] No.

[4:52] The James Cameron film.

[4:53] Okay.

[4:54] Aliens.

[4:54] This does not play in regular D.

Elliott Kalan

[4:57] That's...

[4:57] I figure I will never see it unless it's re-released again in 3D.

Stuart Wellington

[5:02] Yeah.

[5:02] If television commercials are to be believed, the best way to watch it is from the screen

[5:06] of your telephone.

[5:09] Your mobile telephone device.

[5:11] They do advertise that.

[5:12] Yeah.

[5:12] It's like the lizard things that those blue guys ride on.

[5:16] Just flies right out of the screen.

[5:17] Here's what I say about that.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] Ironically, it might be right in the sense that you either need to see it in IMAX 3D where

[5:25] you're immersed in this crazy world or you need to see it on a tiny screen where the cartoonishness

[5:31] of everything is not noticeable.

Stuart Wellington

[5:32] And yeah, and you can move your telephone back and forth so it's like...

[5:36] Whoa!

Dan McCoy

[5:36] It's like Dr. Tongue's House of Horrors or whatever on SETV.

Elliott Kalan

[5:40] Or just like the phone's coming at you.

Stuart Wellington

[5:42] Whoa!

[5:43] 3D phone!

[5:44] Yeah, absolutely.

[5:46] So, the last airbender.

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] Here's a tip for the fans at home.

[5:48] You can do that with any object.

[5:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:50] Create your own 3D movie by just moving something closer and farther away from your face.

[5:55] Don't do something sharp, though.

[5:56] No, no, no, no.

[5:56] No sharp things.

[5:57] Things that won't hurt you.

Dan McCoy

[5:58] If it makes you feel better to wear glasses, you could probably go to a thrift store and

[6:02] get some old glasses and take the glass out of it.

Elliott Kalan

[6:05] At that point, I don't know why.

[6:06] Oh, just because like 3D glasses.

[6:07] Just for the frames.

[6:08] Oh.

[6:08] Okay, for the funny.

[6:09] I thought you meant for protective and take the lenses out.

[6:12] It's not protecting your eyes.

[6:13] No, no.

[6:13] Well, yes.

[6:14] It's just protecting the square of skin slightly around your eye.

Dan McCoy

[6:17] If you feel worried that if you're zooming things in and out towards your eyes, you're

[6:21] going to hit yourself in the eye, you should wear protective goggles.

[6:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:23] Yeah.

[6:24] Probably like a blast shield, right?

[6:25] Yeah.

[6:26] Sure.

[6:26] Absolutely.

[6:27] Like the thing that Luke Skywalker puts over his face when he's fighting that weird

[6:30] little ball.

Dan McCoy

[6:32] And maybe you should put a potholder on your hand just in case what you're

[6:35] you're holding is hot.

[6:37] That's a good point.

Elliott Kalan

[6:38] Okay, yeah.

[6:38] And you know what?

[6:39] Just move your hand towards your face with a potholder on it.

[6:41] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[6:42] That's all the 3D you need.

[6:43] Yeah.

[6:43] Who needs these avatars with their blue people?

[6:46] Don't do that around anybody who's telling you that's a way to find out if you have AIDS

[6:49] or not because you're just going to get your hand smashed into your own face.

Elliott Kalan

[6:52] Yeah, that's not what actually happens.

Dan McCoy

[6:54] It's a trap.

[6:54] And do not accept a Hertz donut.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] Sure.

[6:57] Yeah, to quote Admiral Ackbar, it's a trap.

[6:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:00] Oh, that's so topical now.

[7:02] They can turn that into a quote.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Check you out, internet guy.

[7:05] Listen, what can I say?

[7:07] I know memes.

[7:09] You know your Ackbars.

[7:10] Of all the Ackbars, I think Admiral was the best.

Dan McCoy

[7:15] There's Ackbar and Jeff and there's Admiral Ackbar.

[7:17] It's a close race, actually.

[7:20] But only one of them is a giant fish eyes.

[7:23] Yeah, a squid man.

Stuart Wellington

[7:25] And the race is called a...

[7:28] They're from Mon Calamari.

[7:30] Yes, absolutely.

[7:31] Thank you.

[7:31] All right.

[7:32] So, the last airbender.

Dan McCoy

[7:33] It's a planet that was discovered by Italians.

[7:35] Okay.

[7:36] It means my squid.

[7:39] So, the last airbender, huh?

Stuart Wellington

[7:41] Yep.

[7:42] Okay.

[7:43] So, how does this...

[7:44] Paint us a picture.

[7:45] How does this movie open?

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] This movie opens with people Tai Chi-ing.

[7:51] Yeah, doing like Jim Cotta or some shit, right?

[7:53] With their elements.

[7:53] It's a magical world where the four elements,

[7:57] earth, fire, air, and water...

[7:59] Are not a popular funk group.

[8:01] Nope.

[8:02] Are...

[8:02] Because that's the name of the...

[8:04] Yeah.

[8:05] Earth, water, air, and fire.

[8:06] Earth, fire, and water.

Dan McCoy

[8:08] You know, it's an alternate universe.

[8:11] It's very much like our own.

Elliott Kalan

[8:12] An alternate universe where there still was never a musical group with that name.

[8:15] Yeah.

[8:16] It's a magical kingdom.

[8:19] People can bend elements, which means they do, you know, Tai Chi dancing and the elements

[8:24] fly around.

[8:25] Around them.

[8:25] It's telekinesis, basically.

[8:27] Yeah.

[8:28] And the fire people who can bend fire are trying to take over the world.

Stuart Wellington

[8:31] I mean, by bending fire, it just means that when they do their little dancing around...

[8:35] Fire flies around.

[8:36] Fire flies all over the place.

[8:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:37] And as I said during the movie...

[8:38] It gets everywhere.

[8:39] This is like Harry Potter, where, like, the fire people might as well be Slytherin.

[8:43] Like, they...

[8:44] Like, all the evil people have this fire power.

[8:47] And that's how you know that they're evil.

[8:48] Fire means you're bad.

[8:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:51] To quote Frankenstein's monster, fire bad.

[8:53] Yep.

[8:54] I'm going to be doing a lot of jokes today.

Dan McCoy

[8:56] A lot of famous monster quotes tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[8:59] Just because I've quoted Frankenstein's monster and Demand Squid doesn't mean that all my

[9:03] quotes will be monsters.

[9:05] And Admiral Ackbar will remind you he was a patriot and a military hero.

[9:09] Okay.

[9:09] Hardly a monster.

[9:10] A rebel.

[9:12] It was a rebel.

[9:13] Yeah, but then they won.

[9:14] And history is written by the winners.

[9:15] Sure.

[9:16] So he's a patriot.

[9:16] Mon Mothma's Ghost.

[9:19] I think that should be the name of your band.

Stuart Wellington

[9:21] Mon Mothma's Ghost.

[9:23] So these different...

[9:25] There's like four different groups of people, right?

[9:27] And they can all do different magic.

[9:28] They can all bend different things.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] They all bend different things.

[9:32] But there's one special Buddha Dalai Lama type.

[9:36] And then warp forward, we're in an Eskimo tribe.

[9:39] Yes, we're in an Eskimo tribe.

[9:41] There's two kids, a boy and a girl.

[9:42] They're brother and sister.

[9:44] They find a kid with tattoos all over him, locked in an iceberg with a giant flying sky bison.

[9:52] Yeah.

[9:52] Yep.

[9:54] Sounds reasonable so far.

[9:55] They find this kid.

[9:58] And over the course of a million scenes of people talking exposition to each other, it

[10:02] turns out he is the avatar, the fabled reincarnation of this Buddha Dalai Lama character who can

[10:08] bend all four elements.

[10:10] But when he learned about the pressure he would be under to be the avatar, he ran away and

[10:15] was never trained in anything but airbending.

Dan McCoy

[10:17] He rejected his quest in the Joseph Campbell terms.

[10:20] Yes.

[10:21] Yeah.

[10:22] And we should have rejected the movie at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[10:24] Yeah.

[10:24] And then he goes home to like talk to his buddies and tell them that he shouldn't have run away.

[10:29] And then, oops, he's been in ice forever and they're all dead.

[10:32] They're all dead.

Elliott Kalan

[10:33] It's the Aunt Beru Uncle Owen moment.

Dan McCoy

[10:37] It's Captain America all over again.

[10:38] Right, Elliot?

[10:39] Nope.

[10:39] Not at all.

[10:41] I mean, come on.

[10:41] He was in ice for a while and then everyone he knew was dead.

[10:44] Bucky?

[10:44] Bucky was dead?

Elliott Kalan

[10:45] I mean, Bucky died when he was frozen in ice.

[10:48] It's not like Bucky died when he was away.

Dan McCoy

[10:49] All right, but all his other friends, his non-Bucky friends were all dead too.

[10:53] They're just old.

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] Okay.

[10:55] Like Nomad.

[10:56] Well, Nomad came in later.

[10:57] No.

[10:58] He wasn't friends with him in World War II.

Stuart Wellington

[10:59] What about Red Skull?

[11:01] That's his enemy.

[11:02] They're not friends.

[11:03] But he's not dead though, right?

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] He dies and comes back all the time.

[11:06] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[11:07] But just because he has a skull doesn't mean he's like a skeleton.

[11:09] All right, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] No, no.

[11:10] He has a human body with a skull face.

[11:12] Even though I started this, this is not the Captain America cast.

[11:14] Look what you started.

[11:15] Maybe it should be.

[11:17] Capcast?

[11:18] Let's talk about Capcast.

[11:19] Hey, guys.

Dan McCoy

[11:19] It's Capcast.

[11:20] We have a real coup tonight.

[11:22] We have Captain America writer, Elliot Cameron.

Elliott Kalan

[11:24] I hope the Capcast house cat comes by.

[11:27] Rawr!

Stuart Wellington

[11:28] We're going to have to check Capcast after this because it's going to be like that time we did the water lover thing.

[11:34] Yeah, Aquafam.

[11:35] Aquafam, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] We mentioned – I thought there was an Aquaman fan site called Aquafan.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] Yeah, that was going to be our ticket into getting into Comic-Con, right?

Elliott Kalan

[11:43] Yeah, but when we looked up that website, it was a blog devoted to underwater sex with one posting.

[11:50] And the posting was just underwater sex.

[11:52] Has anyone tried it?

Dan McCoy

[11:55] Yeah.

[11:56] He didn't understand.

[11:57] That's what I call water bending.

[11:58] No!

[12:00] Boo!

[12:01] I don't get it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:02] Oh, no, I got it.

[12:03] When you're older.

[12:03] Sure.

[12:05] So basically the Avatar has got to go around and learn how to bend all this stuff and beat the firebirds.

[12:10] Avatar has got to eat.

[12:11] That's what you're saying.

Stuart Wellington

[12:12] Yeah, and the whole time he's got these fire assholes chasing him down.

[12:15] You know, the guys who are all dressed in like black suits and have crazy helmets.

[12:20] Yeah.

[12:21] At no point are they like, wait, are we the bad guys?

[12:23] That sort of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:23] And they walk around and they ride giant evil-looking ships.

[12:27] And do-backs.

[12:29] And they ride do-backs.

[12:31] Or Rontos, you said.

[12:32] It might have been Rontos.

[12:33] No, they're not Rontos.

[12:34] What are Rontos?

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] Rontos are the things with the long necks that were introduced in the special edition.

[12:37] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[12:38] Yeah, they're do-backs.

[12:39] Yeah.

[12:40] So glad we came up.

[12:41] They're Star Wars nerds.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] It's more like the lizard that Obi-Wan is riding in episode three.

[12:46] That makes the weird, annoying sound?

[12:47] Yeah, the one that's chasing the robo-wheel with General Grievous in it.

[12:51] Sure.

[12:52] That's the scene in that movie where I said, this was designed to sell toys.

Stuart Wellington

[12:57] Why else would they both have different vehicles?

[12:59] And then the moment when Order 66 is passed down, that's the monster that gets shot, right?

[13:05] I don't remember that part.

[13:06] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[13:08] Well, anyway.

[13:09] So, we were talking about something.

[13:10] They're being chased by the fire guys.

[13:11] But, uh-oh, even the fire guys don't see eye to eye because there's two – there's the king of the fire dudes.

[13:18] Then there's his head general.

[13:19] I love that movie, King of the Fire Dudes.

[13:21] Then there's the king as his son of the prince played by slumdog milliner's Dev Patel.

[13:27] Sure.

[13:28] Amazing performance.

[13:29] Oh, fantastic performance.

[13:31] He's an outcast.

[13:32] He's been cast out of the fire people.

[13:34] Sure.

[13:34] He thinks finding the avatar is his ticket to the big time.

[13:37] Mm-hmm.

[13:38] But he's in competition with the head general played by Daily Show correspondent Asif Manvi.

Dan McCoy

[13:43] Your buddy.

[13:44] Hilarious performance.

[13:45] Asif Manvi.

Dan McCoy

[13:45] Yeah, co-worker of mine.

[13:46] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] And what is a – actually the most subdued performance I think I've ever seen him give.

Dan McCoy

[13:51] Yeah, I was going to – I said to you, Elliot, during the movie that I thought you were actually safe because Asif Manvi probably turns in the best performance in the film.

[14:02] So, you know, there's no awkward lunches ahead because I know that he's a constant listener to the Flophouse.

[14:09] Oh, huge Flophouse fan.

[14:11] And, you know, I don't think –

Stuart Wellington

[14:12] As soon as he finds out what it is.

[14:14] He also doesn't have any scenes where he has to, like, dance around while CGI shit happens.

Elliott Kalan

[14:19] He does the least amount of dancing around.

Stuart Wellington

[14:20] Which is – I mean it's probably for the best.

[14:22] So you guys can't just show those clips over and over for him.

Elliott Kalan

[14:25] Oh, yeah.

[14:26] I mean we would stay away from that anyway.

[14:28] Oh.

[14:29] Ah.

Dan McCoy

[14:30] Can dish it out – but you can't take it, eh, Daily Show?

[14:32] That's how it is.

[14:33] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[14:34] Cannot take it.

[14:35] But dish it out we will.

[14:36] Fox News might show it though, right?

[14:38] Oh, yeah, of course.

[14:39] Over and over.

[14:40] They'll say –

[14:40] Take you down a couple days.

[14:41] Heartbender?

[14:43] Daily Show's Asif Manvi makes a turd of a movie.

[14:47] And the turd, the last heartbender.

[14:49] Why gets the big bucks?

[14:50] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[14:51] I don't know if Fox News was so mad magazine about everything.

[14:55] They are, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:57] They call us the Blechley Show.

[15:02] No, that's good stuff.

[15:03] And the Colbert rip.

[15:05] Blech.

[15:06] Everything's got eh in it.

[15:08] Anywho – so there's a lot of fighting and running around and it doesn't make any sense and it's really boring.

[15:12] And at the end, the airbender learns how to bend water and the movie ends and it's to be continued.

[15:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:22] It's like the airbender reaches out to the audience as if to say, hey, another one, baby?

Stuart Wellington

[15:29] But I mean even that shot, like that final shot of this totally uncharismatic kid with a black belt.

Elliott Kalan

[15:35] The kid obviously got the job because he's good at karate.

[15:37] Yeah.

[15:38] Not a very good actor.

[15:40] Yeah.

[15:41] Bless his heart.

Stuart Wellington

[15:42] But that final shot of him, he's like holding his hand out and he does have this face like, is it okay?

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] Well, he's supposed to look like he's still afraid of the pressure of being the avatar.

[15:53] Okay.

[15:54] He doesn't want to be the avatar.

[15:55] It's the – as Dan said, the rejection of the quest.

[15:59] He just wants to go down to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters.

Dan McCoy

[16:02] The whole movie is rejection of the quest and finally acceptance of the quest.

[16:07] There's no actual resolution.

[16:09] I mean this is –

[16:10] And this movie –

Elliott Kalan

[16:11] Well, it's amazing.

[16:12] This is an hour and 40-minute movie in which the hero doesn't decide to become the hero until the very end of it.

[16:18] There are whole movies that length that tell a complete story and feel much –

[16:22] How do they do it?

[16:23] I don't understand.

[16:24] Like this thing, after I watched this movie, I'm like, how does Star Wars make sense?

[16:28] It's like two hours long but it has a whole story in it.

[16:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:32] Yeah.

[16:32] The thing about it is that it – I think they could have told the story but they spent all that time doing their fucking dance moves and shit.

[16:39] There's a lot of long Tai Chi scenes.

Dan McCoy

[16:41] Also, a lot of scenes of people explaining things to each other at length while the camera is right up in their fucking faces.

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] You got to set up that trilogy, baby.

[16:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:50] Yeah, but that's the thing.

[16:51] Like Star Wars, you know, like that, Empire Strikes Back, like they both tell – they're part of a larger story but they tell satisfying tales in their own right.

[17:01] Or Episode 2 or Phantom Menace.

[17:03] Sure.

[17:04] Complete stories.

[17:05] I don't know what those words mean.

Elliott Kalan

[17:06] I'm not familiar.

[17:07] But you're right.

[17:08] Yeah.

[17:08] You can –

[17:09] Crystal Skulls.

[17:10] Okay.

[17:11] It seems like film series no longer have chapters that are satisfying in and of themselves.

[17:18] I've seen two Harry Potter movies, the first one and the fifth one and both of them were so –

[17:22] Bad, bad choices.

[17:23] Yeah.

[17:23] They were terrible.

[17:24] But both were unsatisfying at the end because it was like that's it.

[17:27] Like there's no – there was nothing – even knowing they can't defeat Voldemort like in the first movie, it should at least feel like something was accomplished.

Dan McCoy

[17:34] Well, you know, it was a year of school.

[17:39] They accomplished that.

[17:40] It didn't even feel like they did.

[17:41] That's their schooling.

[17:42] It was like a week of school.

[17:44] They learned their potions.

[17:45] Alan Rickman was in it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:45] When does Harry Potter have time to study when he's busy like solving puzzles in the basement of the school with giant chess men and things?

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] In my Harry Potter slash fiction, you'll find that it's chock full of him doing study sessions late into the night with Draco Malfoy.

[18:00] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[18:02] Let's not hear about that.

[18:03] That's the spell of me, Eric.

[18:04] Studying the possibilities of pleasure.

[18:06] Just go to Stuart's blog, HarryPaquafan.blogspot.com.

[18:14] That doesn't exist.

[18:15] Yet.

[18:16] Well, yeah, of course.

Stuart Wellington

[18:18] So we've had a lot of laughs here today, guys.

[18:20] Wait, are we done yet?

[18:21] Is that it?

[18:22] We did not say anything about the movie.

Dan McCoy

[18:24] It's really terrible.

[18:25] He told most of the story.

[18:26] No, but – no, he didn't actually.

[18:28] What is there just –

[18:28] There's never been less content.

[18:30] No, I'm not arguing against it.

[18:31] I'm just saying that the movie itself defies –

[18:35] It's hard to talk about.

[18:36] Let's talk about this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[18:37] We got this cast of characters.

[18:39] We got this bald kid with a chubby face who's got magic kung fu, okay?

[18:43] He looks really uncomfortable the entire movie.

[18:46] Then he's got some girl that follows him around.

[18:47] The kids come off friends.

[18:48] Yeah, and then that kid with the annoying haircut.

[18:50] Who are totally white.

[18:51] Everyone's white except the bad guys who are Indian.

[18:52] The kid with the boomerang.

[18:54] And then you got the weird girl with the white hair and the dark eyebrows.

[18:57] She's the princess of the water people.

Dan McCoy

[18:59] With like clear blue Steve McQueen eyes.

[19:04] I was trying to think of someone with blue eyes.

[19:06] That was the best I could call it.

[19:07] Mickey Blue Eyes.

[19:08] Okay.

[19:09] It's right there.

[19:09] Hugh Grant.

[19:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[19:13] Come on.

[19:14] Known for his blue eyes.

[19:15] No, he's famous for his blue eyes.

[19:16] You got Ron Silver and Dev Patel.

[19:22] It's not Ron Silver.

[19:23] It's a bearded man who's following Dev.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] No, it's Ron Silver.

[19:25] Dev Patel's uncle follows him and is his consigliere slash, you know, help.

Dan McCoy

[19:29] And he looks like a cross between Tommy Chong and Ron Silver.

Stuart Wellington

[19:34] You got Asim Manvi and the other evil guys.

[19:36] The king of the bad guys.

[19:37] Yeah, the king of the bad guys.

[19:43] That's a pretty cool title.

[19:44] That's a good name for a super villain, king of the bad guys.

Dan McCoy

[19:49] I'm going to write that down.

[19:52] Or like that's like an aging rocker's like bad comeback album, king of the bad guys.

[19:58] King of the bad guys.

[20:00] He's got a leather vest on on the album cover.

[20:03] Yep.

[20:06] That's how you know.

[20:06] With white chest hair showing through.

[20:10] He's got a motorcycle and he's hanging out in an alley.

[20:13] What's he doing there?

[20:15] So those are like all the characters.

[20:16] I guess that's the Purple Rain cover, isn't it?

Stuart Wellington

[20:18] Yeah, I guess it is.

[20:20] Then you got that fucking six-legged luck dragon he's riding around with.

Elliott Kalan

[20:23] Oh yeah, whose name is Appa.

[20:25] He's a sky bison.

[20:26] Sure, that's...

[20:27] I did some research after the movie.

[20:29] Wikipedia research.

[20:31] The best kind.

[20:31] It's still recent.

[20:32] Actually, to find out the name of the sky bison in The Last Airbender, Wikipedia research is the best research.

Dan McCoy

[20:38] It's true.

Elliott Kalan

[20:39] What am I going to go to the biographical encyclopedia for that?

[20:42] Let me just crack open my OED to find out about the sky bison.

Dan McCoy

[20:48] To learn the causes of World War I, perhaps Wikipedia is not your best choice, but Last Airbender Trivia.

Elliott Kalan

[20:55] Let me look in the index of periodical literature and see what it tells me about Appa the sky bison.

[21:02] Everything about the movie, it's very boring and very poorly written and not well acted and terribly shot.

[21:09] The action scenes are really boring.

[21:12] Oh man.

[21:12] Special effects are boring.

Stuart Wellington

[21:14] Do you say that it was like the entire season of a television show?

[21:17] Yeah, that was what it was.

[21:18] Yeah, they tried to do the first season of Avatar.

[21:21] What the fuck did they do in the television show for an entire season?

[21:24] Like more of that karate shit or what?

[21:26] Well, I would accept...

[21:27] Maybe flesh out the characters and...

Dan McCoy

[21:29] Yeah, I would actually...

[21:30] It's a weird thing where like the slowness of this as a movie bothered me more than like it would as a TV show.

[21:37] I would accept a whole season of someone learning that they're a hero.

[21:41] Yeah, but a whole movie is...

Elliott Kalan

[21:42] But also like it was so choppy.

[21:44] Well, like the show Heroes.

[21:46] Every scene was...

[21:48] We've got to do this thing.

[21:49] We'll go to the other place.

[21:51] Cut to next scene.

[21:52] They're in a totally different setting.

[21:54] Okay, but now we've got to go somewhere else.

[21:56] Cut to next scene.

[21:57] They're in a totally different part of the world.

[21:59] Like it's...

[22:00] You could tell that they were trying to squeeze in like scenes from episodes.

Dan McCoy

[22:03] The different parts of the world handily had made up titles on screen.

[22:08] Constantly.

[22:08] It was like, oh, this is South Airbender or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[22:11] Oh, this is the Northern Ice Castle.

[22:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:14] Like thank you for locating me in this made up geography.

[22:18] Let me consult my Airbender Atlas.

Stuart Wellington

[22:21] Yeah, it's the map that comes in your Blu-ray disc, people.

Dan McCoy

[22:25] It's a fold-out map.

[22:26] You can stick to the wall.

[22:26] I need to orient myself.

[22:27] I get my iPod app out and...

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] You didn't know that every Blu-ray disc comes with a map of where the movie takes place?

[22:34] Sure, and it comes with a...

[22:36] It's the main selling point.

Stuart Wellington

[22:36] It comes with a scroll for learning airbending magics or something.

[22:39] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] I didn't read it.

[22:41] Oh, I forgot to mention that at one point Asif kills a magic fish, thus briefly turning the moon red until someone, I guess, gives up their chi to become a fish.

[22:51] Yeah, the girl with the pretty eyes does.

[22:52] Yeah, and then everything's okay again.

[22:54] Yep.

[22:55] Yeah, that was a climax, huh?

[22:57] That was part of the climax.

[22:57] But see, that's the kind of thing that could work in a season of a show.

[23:00] Like you build up why this fish is so important.

[23:03] He gets killed.

[23:04] You have an episode or two where things are bad.

[23:06] And then a character that we've come to know after a while sacrifices himself to save the world.

Stuart Wellington

[23:11] But there was that scene where her and that kid with the boomerang talked for a while and talked about why he hates sand so much.

[23:18] You're thinking of a scene from Star Wars Episode II.

[23:21] Oh, my mistake.

[23:22] There were some similarities though, right?

[23:24] No, it was two.

[23:25] So this movie...

Elliott Kalan

[23:26] But over the course of four minutes, a big thing happened.

[23:30] The world was irreparably changed.

[23:33] Someone sacrificed their life and then it was over.

[23:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:36] Yeah.

[23:37] There's nothing more dramatic than watching a grown man awkwardly stab a fish in a bag.

[23:47] It's called shooting fish in a bag for a reason, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] If you take nothing more from us about The Last Airbender, it is that.

[23:55] There's a scene of a grown man awkwardly stabbing a fish in a bag.

[23:58] Something that's clearly not a real fish in a bag, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[24:01] It's like they got the most rudimentary robot to jerk back and forth inside this bag.

[24:07] Like a robot fish?

[24:08] Yeah, like a robot fish.

[24:10] Like a Blade Runner?

[24:11] Yes.

[24:13] A robot fish.

[24:14] A replicant.

[24:14] It was a replicant fish.

Stuart Wellington

[24:16] It was a skin job.

[24:17] A repli fish.

[24:18] Skin job.

[24:19] I'm glad you called yourself out for that.

[24:21] A scale job.

[24:22] For that slur.

Elliott Kalan

[24:23] A scale job.

[24:24] A fin job.

Stuart Wellington

[24:26] Yeah, so.

[24:27] A Steve job.

[24:29] But the action sequence.

[24:31] You call Steve Jobs a replicant?

[24:32] Yeah, what's he going to do about it?

[24:34] The action sequence that we're talking about, where a grown man stabs a fish with a knife,

[24:39] probably about as good as all the other action sequences in this movie.

[24:42] Oh, yeah.

[24:42] Probably as good as any action sequence ever.

[24:47] Yeah, I would say so.

Elliott Kalan

[24:48] If you like your action sequences slow and with nobody coming more than three feet away from each other,

Dan McCoy

[24:55] then close to each other.

[24:55] With the camera drifting aimlessly around in a circle.

Stuart Wellington

[24:58] I feel like this is a.

[24:59] Why'd they need that kid to have a black belt?

[25:01] Because he doesn't ever touch anybody.

[25:02] He just does a bunch of dancing.

[25:03] Well, he does a lot of.

[25:04] They could have gotten one of them Glee kids.

[25:06] He's not even like.

[25:07] One of them Gleeks.

Dan McCoy

[25:09] He's also doing just like Tai Chi style martial arts.

[25:13] It's not like he's doing crazy, you know.

[25:16] I think it's called airbending.

[25:17] Combat or anything, you know.

[25:19] Like they could have gotten a better actor.

[25:21] Yes, to airbend.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] It feels like it was a movie that was shot at like a Catholic school.

[25:25] Dance.

[25:26] We're like.

[25:27] Everyone would get really close to fight.

[25:29] And then the nuns would come by and be like, leave some room for the Holy Ghost there, kids.

[25:33] Like step three feet apart.

[25:35] Now you can fight.

[25:36] Oh, I thought you were going to say it was like.

[25:37] Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Dan McCoy

[25:38] I thought you were going to say it was like.

[25:39] Irish nuns.

[25:40] Yeah, of course they are.

[25:41] Sure.

[25:41] I thought you were going to say it was like a movie where it was made at a school.

[25:44] And they're like, okay.

[25:46] Who's good at airbending?

[25:47] Yeah.

[25:47] Right.

[25:48] You're the lead.

[25:48] You're the lead in the play.

[25:50] The last airbender play.

Stuart Wellington

[25:51] Which of you has tattoos on your head?

Elliott Kalan

[25:54] Okay.

[25:54] You get to do it.

[25:55] Let's cast the bald boy.

[25:57] He's been very sad since he had leukemia.

[25:59] Though now it'll work in his favor.

[26:02] Sure.

[26:03] Was I the only one who every time I saw him it made me feel really sad for a second?

[26:07] No.

[26:07] Because I worried he was sick?

[26:08] Yeah.

[26:09] That works.

[26:09] You can't have a bald kid in a movie.

[26:11] He also is like making a sad face the whole movie.

[26:14] Yeah.

[26:14] Well, he was sad.

[26:15] He was in the last airbender.

[26:16] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[26:17] He was terrified someone might notice his acting at every moment.

Elliott Kalan

[26:21] I think.

[26:22] I'm going to say it.

[26:23] You know what?

[26:23] I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

[26:24] Ed Night Shyamalan is not good at directing actors.

[26:27] Okay.

[26:27] I'm just going to say it.

[26:28] Well, I'm going to say this.

[26:28] What about action?

[26:29] Is he good at directing action?

[26:30] He's not good at that either.

[26:31] But I was saying this combined with the scene in The Happening where Mark Wahlberg denies

[26:36] that he's going to kill that old lady and goes, what?

[26:41] No.

[26:42] In a way where you're like, oh my god, he's a murderer.

[26:45] Ed Night Shyamalan is not very good.

Dan McCoy

[26:47] It's weird though because Bruce Willis is not an actor of tremendous range.

[26:51] And I mean he can be good in things but he can be very bad in things.

[26:54] But he was good in Ed Night Shyamalan's first couple movies.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] But all he had to do was be very quiet and look down at the ground and be sad.

[27:04] Yeah.

[27:04] I mean he happened to have got a leading man there who had a nobility about him when he

[27:10] looked sad and quiet.

Stuart Wellington

[27:12] What about Bryce Dallas Howard?

[27:14] She gives some stirring performances.

[27:16] I find her pretty.

[27:18] That's what I'll say about her.

Elliott Kalan

[27:20] Wow.

[27:21] Real perceptive analysis of her performing style, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[27:24] Well, but I think that's another example.

Elliott Kalan

[27:25] Mr. Skin over here.

Dan McCoy

[27:27] I didn't say anything about –

[27:28] I was like, oh, see her naked in Mandalay.

[27:32] That was not what I –

[27:33] Oh, now you're telling people where you can see her naked.

[27:35] Come on.

[27:36] I'm – it's my –

[27:38] You mean Mandalay Bay, the casino?

[27:40] Or a hotel, where it is?

[27:42] Yes, go, Dan.

[27:42] Go to the bathroom in the basement.

[27:47] Wait for Bryce Dallas Howard to enter.

[27:51] That's her favorite casino.

[27:52] Sure.

[27:53] Break in.

Stuart Wellington

[27:53] But she's got this weird issue where when she poops, she has to take off all her clothes.

[27:57] Like a little kid does.

[27:58] Yeah.

[27:58] So you have to hide up in the ceiling.

[28:01] When she takes off all her clothes, you've got to get some snacks.

[28:03] Just use your spider powers to sink to the ceiling.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] Like a paparazzo.

[28:07] No, I thought you were going to be like, oh, your father is so bad at directing.

[28:13] He made the Da Vinci Code.

[28:15] Like I thought that was a sort of snappy –

[28:17] Dan, you are of the street.

Stuart Wellington

[28:19] I thought the Da Vinci Code was one of his better movies.

[28:22] Well, you're wrong.

Dan McCoy

[28:24] Well, that's too bad.

[28:25] That is factually incorrect.

[28:27] That is an error of judgment.

Elliott Kalan

[28:29] Guys, let's save it until we see Bryce Dallas Howard in the bathroom, okay?

[28:32] At the Mandalay Bay.

Dan McCoy

[28:34] Save this argument over the merits of the Da Vinci Code until we are in a casino restroom with a new Bryce Dallas Howard.

[28:45] You're laughing too much.

[28:46] I didn't hear your jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[28:47] It's impossible – see, this is a situation it's impossible to not think about when you're watching The Last Airbender.

[28:52] Being at the Mandalay Bay Casino.

[28:56] With a naked Hollywood starlet.

[28:58] Bryce Dallas Howard definitely had to take a dump.

Stuart Wellington

[29:01] Okay, she's gone to the buffet.

[29:03] She ate her fill.

[29:04] Maybe at Mario Patalys.

[29:06] Maybe a little too much.

[29:07] And maybe some Wolfgang Puck or something.

[29:10] And she's got to go drop it off.

Dan McCoy

[29:11] She's had eight different types of gelato.

[29:13] Sure.

[29:14] Because I guess that's Las Vegas.

Stuart Wellington

[29:16] No, it's a thing.

[29:17] They call it gelato.

[29:18] Okay.

[29:19] When you have eight different types.

[29:20] And then we stand around making snaps at this naked actress.

[29:23] Yeah.

[29:24] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[29:25] And talk about airbending.

Dan McCoy

[29:27] Sure, of course.

[29:27] Sounds fun, guys.

[29:28] We can do it.

[29:29] I got a few weeks in my schedule.

[29:31] Checked your watch.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] I like that type of joke.

[29:34] Not good for the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] Some good visual acting for the podcast.

[29:38] Podcast listeners can't see me check my watch.

[29:41] I'm doing all this great mime work.

Stuart Wellington

[29:42] Unfortunately, they can't see me.

[29:43] Sure.

[29:44] I'm doing all this great dancing, airbending type stuff.

[29:47] A lot of airs being bent.

[29:48] It's hilarious.

[29:50] Airbending.

[29:50] And the music was bad, too.

[29:52] Hey.

[29:53] Yep.

[29:53] Yeah.

[29:53] James Newton Howard.

[29:54] You suck.

[29:55] It is a...

[29:56] Wow.

[29:58] Burn.

[29:59] You called him out.

[29:59] I just burned him with my firebending.

Elliott Kalan

[30:04] Yeah.

[30:05] It's a...

[30:06] Don't see this movie.

[30:07] A lot of money was spent on it.

[30:09] It could have been spent feeding stray cats.

Stuart Wellington

[30:10] Now, this movie was what the onion just...

[30:13] And you're allergic to cats.

[30:14] Yeah.

[30:14] I don't even like them.

[30:15] And I'd still prefer that.

[30:16] Kind of recently, the onion gave this movie the worst of 2010.

Dan McCoy

[30:19] Yeah.

[30:20] As of this taping, yesterday, the worst of 2010 list came out.

[30:24] Hard for me to disagree, really.

[30:25] Yeah.

[30:26] And AV gave this the number one slot.

[30:28] Yeah.

[30:29] We did watch...

[30:29] Jonah Hex came in number three.

Stuart Wellington

[30:30] Okay.

[30:31] Yeah.

[30:31] So, I can't argue about that one.

[30:33] And I've seen number two.

[30:35] That was Sex and the City 2.

[30:36] Sex and the City 2.

[30:37] Sure.

[30:37] And...

Elliott Kalan

[30:38] Now, did you watch that for this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[30:40] Uh...

[30:41] Yes.

[30:43] No, you didn't.

[30:44] I don't think so.

[30:45] We didn't...

[30:45] Because I haven't seen it.

[30:46] Yeah.

[30:46] I own the equipment and I haven't watched that movie.

[30:47] Oh, I mean, it must have been how I watched it.

[30:49] I mean, I wouldn't have watched it for fun.

Elliott Kalan

[30:51] I seem to have believed you probably watched it while wearing a pink bathrobe.

Stuart Wellington

[30:55] And some Manolo Blahnik shoes.

[30:57] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] No, I was going to say with cotton balls between your toes as you painted them.

[31:01] Okay.

[31:02] I like it.

[31:02] And eating a pint of Hagen-Dazs with your hair and curlers.

Stuart Wellington

[31:05] Mm-hmm.

[31:05] With...

[31:06] Surrounded by a legion of cats.

[31:08] Yes.

[31:10] That do your bidding.

[31:11] Sure.

[31:12] And solve crimes.

[31:13] Mm-hmm.

[31:14] That sounds great.

[31:16] In outer space.

[31:16] Meow.

[31:17] Oh, there he is.

[31:18] House, house cat.

[31:19] Did he just say solves crimes in inner space?

[31:22] No, in outer space.

[31:22] Okay.

[31:22] But inner space would work, too.

[31:24] Okay.

[31:24] Solves crimes inside Martin Short.

[31:26] That's basically Osmosis Jones.

[31:28] Yes.

[31:28] Solves crimes in inner space.

[31:29] I don't know what you're talking about.

[31:30] They hate animated film.

[31:32] Oh, and subsequent television cartoon program?

Elliott Kalan

[31:35] Yes.

[31:35] Osmosis Jones?

[31:36] Osmosis Jones.

[31:36] Sure.

[31:37] Starring the voices of David Hyde Pierce and, what, Chris Rock?

[31:40] Mm-hmm.

[31:40] Chris Rock, yeah.

[31:41] Chris Rock in the title character.

[31:42] What unlikely buddies.

[31:43] The title character.

[31:43] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:44] Unlikely buddies, those two.

[31:45] Oh, but they work together.

[31:47] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[31:47] Oh, okay.

[31:48] That's good for you.

[31:48] They learn to respect each other through Osmosis.

[31:51] Wait, isn't that the same premise as Meet Dave?

Elliott Kalan

[31:56] No.

[31:57] Meet Dave is about a race of aliens that live inside a giant spaceship that's a human size

[32:02] and is Eddie Murphy.

Dan McCoy

[32:03] Looks like Eddie Murphy.

[32:04] And most of the aliens inside Eddie Murphy look like Eddie Murphy, too.

[32:07] Why didn't we watch Meet Dave?

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] Is that the Clumps?

[32:10] No.

[32:10] The Clumps is about a family of obese diabetics.

[32:12] Of fat Eddie Murphy.

[32:14] Haunted Mansion.

[32:15] Haunted Mansion is about Eddie Murphy owning a haunted mansion.

[32:20] Sure.

[32:20] It is the...

[32:21] There's nothing in the title that is not...

[32:23] There's nothing in the movie that's not explained by that title.

Stuart Wellington

[32:26] Haunted Mansion.

[32:27] Okay.

[32:27] Why is Eddie Murphy living there?

[32:29] Doesn't he have a bunch of mansions?

[32:32] Well, he wanted something new.

[32:33] Not a haunted one.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] He was tired of non-haunted mansions.

[32:36] Okay.

[32:36] Yeah.

[32:37] At that point, when you're that rich...

[32:38] For the man who has everything.

[32:39] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[32:43] So, in conclusion, Eddie Murphy has been in a lot of terrible movies.

Elliott Kalan

[32:46] They should make a movie called Flaunted Mansion.

Dan McCoy

[32:48] Why?

[32:49] Sure.

[32:49] Just about a mansion.

[32:50] Some kind of a dance movie?

Elliott Kalan

[32:51] This guy is just always showing off his mansion.

[32:54] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[32:54] Check it out.

[32:55] Three bedrooms.

[32:56] It's a very small mansion.

Stuart Wellington

[32:57] It's not a mansion so much as a house.

[32:59] And if it was Flaunt-it Mansion, it could be like a cheerleader team moves in the

[33:03] into a mansion that's actually haunted.

[33:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:06] Or like Vaunted Mansion.

[33:07] It could be about Sagamore Hill, Teddy Roosevelt's home.

Dan McCoy

[33:13] Okay.

[33:13] Certainly as Vaunted a mansion as there ever was.

[33:15] That'd be like a movie or...

[33:18] More of a book.

[33:20] It's a History Channel special.

Elliott Kalan

[33:22] One hour special.

[33:23] Vaunted Mansions.

[33:25] Sure.

[33:27] Could I download that onto my mobile device and watch it while I'm on the train?

Stuart Wellington

[33:30] I'm sure you could.

[33:31] Okay.

[33:31] You're watching it as a mobisode.

[33:32] And if I move it back and forth, it'll look like it's in 3D, right?

[33:35] Oh, yeah.

[33:35] It'll look like the houses are coming right at you.

Dan McCoy

[33:37] Whoa.

[33:38] Guys.

[33:39] We just did a Herald.

[33:40] Hey.

[33:41] Came back around.

[33:42] Oh.

[33:42] Stuart doesn't know what that means.

[33:44] It's improv talk.

[33:45] All right.

[33:45] Okay.

[33:46] So let's do our final judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[33:50] Wow.

[33:50] We spent so little time talking about The Last Airbender.

Dan McCoy

[33:53] Because it was the worst movie of the year.

Elliott Kalan

[33:54] I want to apologize to the audience for Dan picking this movie.

Dan McCoy

[33:58] Yeah.

[33:58] I want to apologize to me for me picking this movie.

[34:01] We could have watched...

[34:02] Yeah.

[34:02] You got a stack of more nominated programs.

[34:05] We were watching the Charlie Brown Christmas when you came in.

[34:08] We could have watched the rest of that.

[34:09] It would have been a holiday classic.

[34:11] And I was watching porn on my iPhone.

Stuart Wellington

[34:13] Is that what you're doing during the whole time?

Dan McCoy

[34:15] During Charlie Brown Christmas.

[34:17] Whole time.

[34:17] And trying to rub myself while you didn't notice.

[34:19] Ruined Charlie Brown Christmas.

[34:21] He was watching...

[34:22] I know.

[34:22] Well, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[34:23] All those guys were masturbating when they were making Charlie Brown Christmas.

[34:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:26] Yeah.

[34:26] You see the way Lucy's drawn.

[34:28] Bill Melendez.

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] Yeah.

[34:29] Bill Molestez.

[34:31] Come on.

[34:33] Is that a...

[34:33] I couldn't think of anything for Charles Charles.

[34:35] Is that a good idea of Emilio Molestez?

[34:37] Emilio Molestez.

[34:38] Is that slander to say that about somebody?

[34:40] The best New York Post headline.

[34:42] Emilio Molestez.

[34:45] Guys.

Dan McCoy

[34:46] All right.

[34:46] Flavagination.

[34:47] Make this happen.

[34:48] Get molested by Emilio.

[34:49] If any of you are underage, tempt Emilio Estevez into molesting you so we can pitch this headline.

Stuart Wellington

[34:57] And on some level, I'm sure he'd appreciate the attention.

Elliott Kalan

[34:59] Of course.

[35:00] It's been a while since he's had a hit.

[35:03] Yeah.

[35:03] Bobby was not what he was hoping to do.

[35:04] Mighty Ducks, right?

[35:05] That was his last hit.

[35:06] Well, he directed the movie Bobby.

[35:08] Oh.

[35:09] A couple years ago.

[35:11] Which is not about molesting.

[35:12] No, it's not.

[35:13] It's about Robert Kennedy's assassination.

[35:16] All right.

[35:17] That's not about ducks playing hockey, right?

[35:19] It is a family comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[35:19] It is a Christmas family comedy.

Dan McCoy

[35:21] A while back, I was trying to wrap this up.

[35:24] So I'm going to continue.

Elliott Kalan

[35:24] The Mighty Ducks is not about ducks that play hockey.

[35:26] What the fuck is it about, then?

[35:28] It's about a kid's hockey team.

[35:30] It's called the Ducks.

[35:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:31] Why?

[35:31] They do a hockey wing, like a formation that's like ducks in flight.

[35:37] It's called the Flying V.

[35:39] Yeah.

[35:39] I never.

[35:40] I'm not familiar with the movie, but I'm aware of their strategy.

[35:42] I thought it was like.

[35:43] I saw it.

[35:44] I'm not going to lie.

[35:45] The Flying V for Vendetta.

Stuart Wellington

[35:46] I thought it was like Scrooge and Launchpad McQuack and shit playing hockey.

[35:51] Nope.

[35:51] No.

[35:52] I'm less inclined to see it now.

[35:53] Thanks.

[35:54] Although.

[35:55] I'll take it out of my queue.

Dan McCoy

[35:57] But leave in D2, the Mighty Ducks.

[35:59] Leave in DuckTales.

[36:01] Treasure the Lost Lamp.

[36:02] Because that would have what you want.

[36:04] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[36:05] Or the.

[36:05] Leave in Foxtails 3.

[36:07] Or the DuckTales, the NES cartridge.

[36:10] That's a fun game.

[36:11] Yeah.

[36:11] It's a really good one.

[36:12] I enjoyed it.

[36:12] Let's do final judging, shall we?

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] We're not even being entertaining anymore.

[36:16] Was this a good.

[36:17] Our listenership has dropped 100,000%.

[36:19] This is a good bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:21] Since a minute ago.

[36:22] A bad, bad movie.

[36:23] A movie you actually kind of like.

[36:24] Stuart Go.

Stuart Wellington

[36:26] No.

[36:26] This wasn't very good.

[36:28] Oh, really?

[36:29] Kel Suprise.

[36:31] This is a bad, bad movie.

[36:35] It's shot poorly.

[36:37] The action is choreographed strangely.

Dan McCoy

[36:39] We didn't even see it in like the bad 3D that everyone was talking about.

[36:42] I know.

[36:42] It was bad 2D.

Stuart Wellington

[36:43] Yeah.

[36:44] It was terrible.

[36:44] From the facts of life.

[36:45] I spent the first 15 minutes of the movie complaining that I wasn't watching Willow for God's sakes.

[36:52] So, what is going on?

Dan McCoy

[36:54] I'm sorry.

[36:55] My cat has jumped into a cardboard box that is underneath the table that we're.

[37:00] And is scratching it furiously.

[37:02] Better that than her scratching the sofa though.

[37:07] Says you.

[37:09] Why don't you guys continue with the final judgment?

[37:11] I'm going to say that this was a bad, bad movie.

[37:14] A movie that I did not enjoy at all.

[37:16] Oddly enough, it's not my least favorite movie that we've watched.

[37:19] Sure.

[37:20] What would that be?

[37:21] Big Money Rustlers?

[37:22] I hated Big Money Rustlers.

[37:24] I hated.

[37:24] Rustlers.

[37:25] Rustlers.

[37:25] Yeah, thank you.

[37:26] I hated Delgo.

[37:27] There are other movies that I hated.

[37:29] This movie is very similar to Delgo though.

[37:31] Yes.

[37:32] But I found Delgo much more irritating than this film.

[37:35] Because of the Chris Kattan element?

[37:36] Yeah.

[37:37] This film I could just sort of zone out and not understand.

[37:40] And that was fine.

[37:41] Okay.

[37:41] But no one should watch it.

[37:43] The sound mixing was very good in this movie.

[37:44] The sound mixing was very bad.

[37:46] Yeah.

[37:46] Yeah, it's terrible.

[37:47] Elliot, what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[37:49] I'm going to say it's a good, good movie.

[37:52] Okay.

[37:52] No, it's a bad, bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[37:54] No, wait.

[37:55] Which one's true?

Elliott Kalan

[37:56] The bad one.

[37:56] Okay.

[37:57] It's very bad and it's weird.

[38:00] It's in one of those movies where you watch it and you're like, I can't believe that people

[38:05] made this and released it in the theater and then other people paid money to see it.

[38:09] Like the entire idea.

[38:11] That's a big movie.

[38:11] And it was big.

[38:12] But the entire idea of film going breaks down when you see a movie like this.

[38:16] The concept of going to a movie theater and seeing a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[38:19] Yeah, you even suggested that if you had paid to see this movie through some happenstance,

[38:24] you would have gotten up and left mid-movie.

Dan McCoy

[38:25] Yeah.

[38:27] I don't think I would have made it past the 40-minute mark at most had I been watching

[38:33] this for any reason other than to mock it on a podcast.

[38:37] Okay.

[38:38] And I don't walk out of things, Stuart.

[38:41] No.

[38:41] I finish where I start.

[38:42] You're a sticker.

[38:43] Yeah.

[38:43] You stick.

[38:43] I stick her inner.

[38:45] I stick like glue.

Stuart Wellington

[38:47] Yeah.

[38:47] I'm stuck on you.

[38:48] That's the thing.

[38:48] Like, I guess looking at the – when I saw the trailers, I guess –

[38:51] Are you listening to me?

[38:53] When they started really promoing – like doing the hype for this movie, I got the impression

[38:58] that there might be a lot of, like, action in it at least.

[39:02] But no.

[39:02] Like, all the action you see in the trailers is pretty much all the action from the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[39:07] Not a lot of action in very – what action there is is very slow.

[39:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:10] What action there is involves bending air, which is less exciting.

[39:14] As opposed to, like, breaking bones.

[39:15] Yeah.

[39:16] A lot of Tai Chi and people flying around.

Elliott Kalan

[39:19] Uh-huh.

[39:19] If you are really, like, thrilled by what old people – the exercises old people do in

[39:25] the park, you will love this movie.

Dan McCoy

[39:26] If you're thrilled by people being blown down by wind, this is the film book for you.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] If you've ever seen, like, a very slow conceptual dance piece and you were like, I wish – this

[39:36] is good, but I wish it was a bald kid that was doing it, you should see this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[39:40] And there were, like, special effects flying around him a little bit.

[39:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] If you were like, oh, man, I wish there was something I could not watch when it was on

[39:51] TV and this is the movie for you.

Stuart Wellington

[39:53] Or if you were like, I like The Daily Show's Asif Manbi, but I think I like him more as a

Dan McCoy

[39:59] villain.

[40:00] I know.

[40:01] All right, guys.

[40:03] Enough of these delightful shenanigans.

[40:05] Okay, so what do we do now?

[40:06] They were delightful and they were shenanigans.

[40:07] I have some –

[40:09] These frightful shenanigans.

[40:10] I have some listener mail.

[40:12] Sure.

[40:12] Elliot, you do not need to reach into your fantasy mailbag because we've got some

[40:15] real mail.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] There were some good letters in the fantasy mailbag.

[40:18] I know, but –

[40:19] Dear Stuart, you are needed on a quest.

[40:23] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[40:23] Okay, I'm listening.

Elliott Kalan

[40:25] There is a legend that you are the chosen one.

[40:27] No, I said we don't need –

Stuart Wellington

[40:28] How many gold coins are in it for me?

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] There are four gold coins scattered throughout the land of Mabornia.

Stuart Wellington

[40:35] No thanks.

[40:36] Blubhouse Housecat has to help me get over my mercenary nature as I search for these gold coins.

[40:41] Okay, no.

[40:42] Dear Dan.

Dan McCoy

[40:42] There's no need for the fantasy mailbag is what I said.

[40:45] I am a single blonde lady with the following measurements.

Elliott Kalan

[40:49] We'll talk about that later.

[40:49] Long-time listener.

[40:50] We'll talk about that off-air.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] First-time writer.

[40:52] So this email says,

[40:54] As luck would have it, on the day I listened to your most recent episode, I had earlier watched RoboCop 2 for the first time.

[41:00] Awesome.

[41:01] The movie was awful.

[41:02] An important rite of passage.

[41:04] Nuke.

[41:05] The movie was awful in that kind of bland 80s sequel way.

[41:09] But it makes me an expert RoboCop on – no, I'm sorry.

[41:13] It makes me an expert on RoboCop's retirement options.

[41:15] Oh, finally.

[41:17] In searching for candidates for the RoboCop 2 program, the main benefit OCP was going to dangle in front of them was a chance at immortality with the implication that they would be the property of the evil corp forever.

[41:29] So I don't think Peter Weller will be getting much of a retirement package, though it is possible that this is further explored in RoboCop 3, territory into which I dare not go.

[41:40] And that's from Andrew Last Game with Hell.

Stuart Wellington

[41:42] He's got a jetpack in the trailers for that one.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] And he fights a ninja.

[41:45] Be brave, Andrew.

[41:46] Jetpack RoboCop fighting ninja.

[41:50] It's a PG-13 movie.

[41:51] What a terrible agreement.

[41:53] You're going to live forever as our soulless slave.

[41:57] Sounds good.

[41:58] Sign me up.

[41:59] And I'm not going to have a penis?

[42:00] Great.

[42:01] Sign me up.

Stuart Wellington

[42:03] I thought that thing that he extends out of his hand was pretty much like a penis.

[42:06] It's just a spike.

[42:06] That's very much.

[42:07] It's a J.O. spike.

Dan McCoy

[42:08] If you try to insert that into a woman, she would be upset.

[42:11] Well, I mean a computer.

[42:13] Not a – I mean you –

[42:13] Yeah, he could have sex with a computer.

[42:14] Oh, you're fucking a computer.

[42:16] Wait.

[42:17] Well, that raises an interesting question.

[42:19] Speaking of Star Wars, as we were earlier, is R2-D2 fucking every computer that it extends that little spike?

[42:27] Like raping.

[42:28] Raping those computers.

[42:29] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[42:29] That's why –

[42:30] Look at the way the computer on the Star Destroyer was dressed.

[42:33] Anytime –

Elliott Kalan

[42:34] That is not an excuse, Stuart.

[42:37] It's got that V-shape.

[42:38] I'm tired of this blame the computer argument I hear from so many conservatives these days.

[42:44] And that's why – actually, if you watch the deleted scenes, before every time that there's a spaceship chasing them and shooting lasers, you see – you hear, there's that rapist robot we've been trying to catch.

[42:57] They're just trying to catch R2.

[42:59] He's a terrible person.

[43:00] Robot.

Dan McCoy

[43:01] That's what the prequel should have been about.

Elliott Kalan

[43:03] Yes.

[43:04] Yeah.

[43:05] How R2-D2 went bad.

[43:07] Yeah.

[43:07] I will – let me say one thing that I don't believe I mentioned before about the – on an earlier podcast about the Daily Show Rally to Restore Sanity.

[43:15] We had a lot of big stars there.

[43:16] Like R2-D2?

[43:17] Yeah, we did.

[43:18] Well, the thing –

[43:18] Yeah, R2-D2 was there.

[43:19] Did you see it?

[43:20] Kat Stevens, Ozzy Osbourne, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and R2-D2.

[43:23] And I was so unhappy I didn't get a picture with R2-D2.

[43:27] I didn't want to –

[43:28] Kenny Baker was in the suit?

[43:29] No, Kenny Baker wasn't there.

[43:30] Oh, that's too bad.

[43:31] There was nobody.

[43:32] I didn't want to meet any of the other stars.

[43:33] I just wanted –

[43:34] It was Kenny Loggins.

[43:36] I wanted a picture with R2-D2.

[43:38] And my wife is so baffled by how excited I was.

[43:41] She just kept saying, he's not real.

[43:45] Oh, I was so excited.

[43:46] I don't think I've been that excited to meet a fictional character since the Ninja Turtles pizza tour came into my town.

[43:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:56] Hi.

[43:56] I'm delighted by your wife's bafflement at your nerdiness.

[44:01] So, okay, this other email.

[44:04] Okay.

[44:04] This is not the last one.

[44:05] I say the other one.

[44:07] This is the second one.

[44:07] The last emailer.

[44:09] It says, hey, guys.

[44:11] The last mailbender.

[44:12] Hey, guys.

[44:12] It says, got an email on the Bad Film Club mailing list about your podcast.

[44:17] If Nico says you guys are cool, then I'm in as she can be scary, but in a funny way.

[44:23] Mysterious.

[44:24] I'll go on.

[44:25] I like Nico.

[44:26] Listen to the last one.

[44:27] I thought it was very funny.

[44:28] Maybe if any of you come to the UK, you can play one of the Bad Film Club live shows.

[44:34] They're super cool.

[44:36] Anyway, just thought I would say hello from over here in England.

[44:39] Bad movies rule.

[44:40] KT.

[44:41] And then she says XX, as in kisses.

[44:43] But she only puts two of them.

[44:44] So, one of us doesn't get a kiss.

[44:46] I think I know who doesn't.

[44:47] Come on.

[44:47] Let's not beat around the bush.

Stuart Wellington

[44:49] One for Stuart and one for me.

[44:49] Also, practicing my Daniel Craig accent.

[44:52] Hello, hello.

[44:54] Is Daniel Craig here?

Dan McCoy

[44:55] Wait a second.

[44:56] It was me, Stuart.

[44:56] Where did he go?

[44:57] Where did he go?

[44:57] I just heard him.

[44:57] So, I looked this up.

[44:59] I was not aware of this.

[45:00] James Bond, whatnot.

[45:03] The Bad Film Club.

[45:04] Golden Compass.

[45:06] The Bad Film Club.

[45:07] Very popular series of film screenings in England.

[45:12] Sure.

[45:13] They were kind enough to put us on their mailing list.

[45:15] A lot of traffic was driven.

[45:17] Oh, that's great.

[45:18] To us from them.

[45:20] I apologize for this episode.

[45:21] No, no.

[45:23] I'd like to thank them.

[45:25] KT, who was kind enough to kiss two of us, wanted to know.

Elliott Kalan

[45:29] Let me guess.

[45:30] Not kissing the Leonardo of the group.

Dan McCoy

[45:33] Cyclops will just blow her apart with his optic blast.

[45:36] Come on.

[45:36] His eye beams.

[45:37] Sure.

[45:37] If she saw a picture of him, I'm a pretty dreamy fellow.

[45:39] I got to, you know, just say that.

[45:41] Yeah.

[45:41] More like a nightmare.

[45:43] Sure.

[45:43] Photoshop does wonders.

[45:46] I think it's fun that she says, maybe if any of you come to the UK, you can play one

[45:50] of the Bad Film Club live shows?

[45:52] Question mark.

[45:53] Question mark.

[45:54] And to that I say, sure, if we were invited to play the Bad Film Club live shows, I would

[45:59] be delighted to do that.

[46:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:00] And if our airfare was coming.

[46:01] If we happen to be in England, that sounds delightful.

[46:05] I mean, that's something that neither of those things have been fulfilled.

[46:10] We're not going to England and we have not been invited.

[46:12] Why are we not going to England?

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] You heard it here first, folks.

[46:15] The Flophouse is going to England.

[46:18] Yeah.

[46:18] We're starting a charity drive.

[46:19] Flophouse European vacation.

[46:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:20] We're starting a charity drive.

[46:22] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[46:23] We're going to sell.

[46:24] Pack the car.

[46:25] We'll accumulate money.

[46:26] We're going to leave tonight and drive to London.

[46:28] I was just going to jump in.

[46:30] I was going to say you're going to sell your used underwear.

[46:32] Sure.

[46:33] Like those Japanese vending machines where you can get the schoolgirl's panties.

[46:36] Yep.

[46:37] I'll sell my schoolgirl panty collection.

[46:40] I hate to part with it.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] You spent years assembling that collection.

[46:44] It's one of the finest in the Western Hemisphere.

Stuart Wellington

[46:45] Yep.

[46:46] It's in my storage locker that's kept at a perfect 75 degrees.

[46:52] We'll sell individual hairs off of Stuart's mustache.

[46:54] In Japan, Stuart is known as panty-o-gaijin.

[47:00] I go to panty-o-taku conventions.

[47:04] Pantaku.

[47:05] Yeah, pantaku.

[47:05] Okay.

[47:07] This is enough of this.

Dan McCoy

[47:08] No, but I'm gratified that we were put on this mailing list.

[47:14] Yeah, it was very cool.

[47:15] Now we've got more England things.

[47:16] I feel more exotic already.

[47:18] Mm-hmm.

[47:19] Yeah.

[47:20] And thank you, KT.

[47:22] Although, next time I'm close, one more kiss.

[47:24] That's all I'm saying.

[47:24] Nope.

Stuart Wellington

[47:25] And thank you, Bad Movie Club.

[47:26] Should we start listing all the movies we review in their European titles as well from now on?

[47:32] Most of them are the same.

[47:33] Oh.

[47:34] Okay.

[47:34] But I think the Bulgarian title for this one was Avatar Bender of the Elements.

Dan McCoy

[47:40] I think the English title for this one was The Zed Airbender.

[47:45] Eh?

[47:45] Come on.

[47:46] Come on, guys.

[47:47] Zed Airbender.

[47:48] That's pretty good.

[47:48] Come on.

[47:49] Come on.

[47:50] I apologize, England.

Elliott Kalan

[47:50] Come on.

[47:51] I apologize to all our recent new English listeners.

[47:55] Want to hear some more Daniel Craig?

[47:57] Hello, hello, hello.

Stuart Wellington

[47:59] I'm James Bond.

Dan McCoy

[48:01] I is all he is.

[48:04] Chimney sweep James Bond.

[48:06] Dick Van Dyke chimney sweep James Bond.

[48:08] Okay.

[48:08] So this one is from Andrew Last Name Withheld.

[48:11] We got some good letters this week.

[48:13] Oh, sure.

[48:14] Andrew Last Name Withheld says,

[48:17] Floppers, after suffering crippling delays on a recent JetBlue flight,

[48:21] the entire plane was compensated with a free showing of the Tom Cruise,

[48:25] Cameron Diaz, Stinkfest, Night and Day.

[48:28] I am a frequent listener to your hilarious show,

[48:30] but Night and Day is the first movie I've had to suffer through

[48:32] that compelled me to write in.

[48:33] It's everything a movie should not be.

[48:36] Housecat, don't interrupt.

[48:38] It's everything a movie should not be.

[48:40] An unfunny comedy, a boring action flick,

[48:43] and a romance without chemistry.

[48:45] Between the lead actors, Tom Cruise is a standout.

[48:48] In 15 years, he's gone from being a credible spy in Mission Impossible

[48:51] to some sort of creepy loner with a gun in Night and Day.

[48:55] You'd be doing a great service to the world if you give it the old flop house treatment.

[48:58] What do you think, guys?

[48:59] Night and Day?

Elliott Kalan

[49:00] Yeah, I'd be up to flopping that.

Stuart Wellington

[49:02] Yeah, I'll give it my treatment.

[49:04] Now that I've seen the worst that film has to offer.

Dan McCoy

[49:06] Amen treatment.

[49:07] Yep, on HBO.

[49:09] Get a kickback every time.

[49:11] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] Listen, we're not usually then like this.

Stuart Wellington

[49:15] Hey, that's the movie where they spell Night like he's a knight.

[49:21] I thought it was going to be like Kate and Leopold,

Elliott Kalan

[49:24] or whatever that movie was called.

[49:26] It is Kate and Leopold.

[49:27] Where Tom Cruise is a knight from medieval times who comes to modern days.

[49:29] That's Hugh Jackman's in that movie, not Tom Cruise.

[49:32] No, no, but I thought Night and Day was going to be like that.

[49:33] You thought it was going to be like Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence.

[49:36] Exactly, yes.

[49:37] It's similar in some ways.

[49:40] Black Knight produced by the same man who produced Little Murders,

[49:44] the movie I'm showing on January 5th.

Stuart Wellington

[49:47] Awesome.

[49:48] Is Martin Lawrence in that movie?

[49:49] What?

[49:50] Is Martin Lawrence in that movie?

[49:51] No, Martin Lawrence is not in that movie.

[49:52] That's too bad.

Elliott Kalan

[49:53] All right.

[49:54] Yeah, every movie.

[49:55] If Martin Lawrence had been an airbender, it would have been a much better movie.

Stuart Wellington

[49:58] Bad Boys 2 is a much better movie than the airbender.

[50:01] It was a much better movie.

Elliott Kalan

[50:03] It's so hard to find a movie that fits into the sentence,

[50:05] Bad Boys 2 is a much better movie than the airbender.

Stuart Wellington

[50:08] Well, airbender doesn't feature two animatronic rats having sex.

Dan McCoy

[50:10] Yeah, Bad Boys 2 is the epitome of a good bad movie.

[50:13] That is an excellent bad movie.

[50:15] When they plow through that Cuban shantytown with no regard for the families that they have mowed down.

[50:23] They all work in like coke production facilities.

[50:26] Oh, okay.

[50:27] Yeah, that's a...

[50:29] And as you say, the scene where Martin Lawrence washes two puppet rats.

[50:35] They're fucking each other.

[50:36] For no reason.

[50:36] It's like...

[50:37] Well, I mean, I think they have a reason.

Elliott Kalan

[50:40] I think the rats have a reason for having sex.

[50:41] No, the rats have a reason.

[50:43] There's no reason to include that scene in the film.

[50:45] It's hilarious.

[50:46] No.

Stuart Wellington

[50:47] I remember when we watched that.

[50:48] You were like rolling in the aisle.

[50:50] You're right.

[50:50] I was R-O-T-F-L.

[50:51] You were throwing your popcorn in the air.

Elliott Kalan

[50:54] I was...

[50:55] I was...

[50:55] For some reason, I represent laughter by tossing popcorn into the air.

Dan McCoy

[51:00] Yeah, and your nachos.

[51:01] I remember...

[51:02] I remember...

[51:02] I saw that...

[51:03] I saw that movie...

[51:04] I saw that movie in the theater for some reason, and the guy next to me...

[51:08] I know, the reason.

[51:08] Because it's fucking awesome.

[51:09] The guy next to me was punching me in the shoulder.

[51:12] He's like, did you see that?

[51:14] I'm like, yeah, pretty good.

Stuart Wellington

[51:15] Was that my steward?

[51:17] It was me.

[51:18] I was punching him in the nachos.

[51:20] What?

[51:20] Is that a cat?

[51:21] Yeah, there's a cat under our feet.

[51:23] I know which cat.

Dan McCoy

[51:24] So, and the last...

[51:26] The last email is from Brian, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[51:31] Wait, let's just take a moment to savor this last email.

[51:34] We should.

[51:35] The last mailbender, right?

[51:36] The last mailbender, yeah.

[51:37] The last mailbender tonight is from Brian...

Dan McCoy

[51:39] The last genderbender.

[51:41] Brian, last name withheld.

[51:42] And I think it's inspired by your fantasy mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[51:46] Fantasy mailbag.

[51:48] Letters that aren't real.

[51:51] Did you just come up with that?

[51:52] I did.

[51:52] I copyright it now.

[51:53] It's like happy birthday.

[51:54] People have to pay me when they sing it.

[51:56] Inspired by...

[51:56] They do.

Dan McCoy

[51:57] Inspired by Elliot's new segment.

[52:00] Brian, last name withheld, says,

[52:02] Hi, Dan.

[52:03] How are you doing?

[52:05] How was your turkey day?

[52:07] And I'd like to say to you, Brian...

[52:08] That's the whole letter?

[52:09] That's the whole letter.

[52:10] Are you sure there was a Flophouse letter?

[52:12] Why did you do his voice so stupid?

[52:15] No, that wasn't me being caring.

Stuart Wellington

[52:18] No, it sounded stupid.

[52:19] Like, you were making fun of his voice.

Dan McCoy

[52:20] All right.

[52:21] I don't know what it sounds like.

[52:22] Well, how was your turkey day?

[52:23] It was a delight.

[52:25] What did you have?

[52:26] Turkey.

[52:26] I went to our friends, the birds.

[52:28] Okay.

[52:29] I brought some...

Stuart Wellington

[52:30] They're strictly for the birds.

[52:32] Recently impregnated.

[52:34] Yeah.

[52:34] Well, one of them is.

[52:36] Well, yeah.

[52:36] Both.

Dan McCoy

[52:37] Both husband and wife.

[52:40] One with a young child and one with an alien baby.

[52:43] No, I brought some delicious bread.

[52:47] Much like I brought to your potluck.

Elliott Kalan

[52:48] We had a non-Flophouse related potluck dinner.

Dan McCoy

[52:53] At Stewart's place.

[52:54] I made a crack pie.

[52:55] Mm-hmm.

[52:56] And we had a delicious...

[52:57] We had a great Thanksgiving.

[53:00] Sadly, that was the thing...

[53:01] That was the meal that made me sick because both of the birds had had a cold.

[53:04] And you shouldn't go to a meal at a house where the people serving you that meal have had a disease recently.

[53:13] Sounds like they were the turkeys.

Stuart Wellington

[53:15] Otherwise, it was great.

[53:16] How long were you waiting to say that one?

[53:17] Like a minute.

[53:19] So that's why you were extra hilarious last podcast.

[53:22] Yeah, that is why.

[53:23] But I'd like to...

[53:24] You were...

Elliott Kalan

[53:24] I don't know why, but you are...

[53:26] You know, it did work out in the last podcast that you were sick and had no idea what was going on.

[53:30] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:31] I mean, I re-listened to it.

[53:32] I was less woozy than I thought at the time.

[53:34] Oh, that was just you acting.

[53:36] But, yeah, no, I was back.

[53:37] I think you should listen to it again.

[53:39] Okay.

[53:40] Three times a charm.

Elliott Kalan

[53:41] Listen to it backwards and see all the subliminal messages we put in there.

[53:44] Rip, rip, rip, rub it.

Dan McCoy

[53:46] That's what it sounds like when you do it backwards.

[53:48] It's not really a subliminal message.

[53:49] It's just what it sounds like when you rotate backwards.

[53:52] Yeah, what he's saying to people.

Stuart Wellington

[53:53] You've got to slow it down, too.

[53:54] Okay.

[53:54] What happens when you slow it down?

[53:56] I make house cat noises.

Dan McCoy

[54:00] So, thank you, Brian, for that expression of personal concern.

[54:04] Yeah, concern, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[54:05] Thank you to everyone who wrote in.

[54:07] Yeah, that's really awesome.

[54:07] More people want to write in.

[54:09] Where should they write to, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[54:10] You should write to theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

Stuart Wellington

[54:14] Okay.

[54:15] And if you want to send missives to the house cat, send it to housecat at the internet dot edu.

Elliott Kalan

[54:22] Care of Stuart Wellington, 123 Main Street.

[54:26] America, New Jersey.

Stuart Wellington

[54:27] Make sure he gets it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:28] He can't read English.

Stuart Wellington

[54:30] And he only speaks house cat, right?

[54:32] He only speaks cat, so I'd have to translate.

Elliott Kalan

[54:35] And if anyone wants to write in, we've got to create a Flophouse house cat groundswell so we can get someone interested to make merchandise.

Stuart Wellington

[54:41] You can also run it through Babblefish, the Babblefish program on the internet.

[54:45] Just set it from cat to English.

[54:47] Yeah.

[54:48] Or the other way around.

[54:50] It doesn't matter.

[54:50] Or you'll enlist a cat.

[54:51] Yeah, you'll figure it out.

[54:52] Or there's probably some kind of an iPhone app.

[54:54] All right.

[54:54] Well, let's get back to what you were talking about.

Dan McCoy

[54:58] Guys, we had such a bursting mailbag that we have to do our recommendations fast this week.

[55:04] Fast and loose.

[55:04] What movies have you seen recently that you might recommend in lieu of The Last Airbender?

[55:12] Ellie, do you have one?

Elliott Kalan

[55:13] In lieu of The Last Airbender, I'd recommend any other movie ever made.

[55:16] Okay.

[55:17] But I also recommend the new filming version of True Grit.

[55:21] I saw it on Tuesday, and it was very good, and I'd recommend it.

[55:26] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[55:26] Well, that was even speedier than I thought.

[55:29] Mm-hmm.

[55:29] I watched the movie Louie Blueie.

[55:32] It's a documentary.

[55:33] It was Terry Zweigoff's first movie.

[55:36] He made it before Crumb, but it has a lot of the same themes.

[55:41] I mean, it's about an elderly...

Elliott Kalan

[55:43] It's about a family of crazy brothers.

[55:45] Well, no, it's about...

[55:46] One of whom is a famous cartoonist.

Dan McCoy

[55:48] It's about an aging blues musician.

[55:52] Blues and old country musician.

[55:54] And he's also...

Stuart Wellington

[55:55] Is he a bad Santa?

[55:56] Is that the movie you're talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[55:58] Some kind of art school.

[55:59] Confidential.

Dan McCoy

[56:00] Well, actually, the blues musician in Louie Blueie, he's also an artist.

[56:05] There's a great sequence in it where he pulls this book out that is just labeled pornography.

[56:12] But when you open it up, it's this illuminated manuscript.

[56:15] It's like an old time.

[56:16] He's written out in calligraphy all these stories from his life, but they're all sex-related.

[56:20] And he's got these great sex cartoons.

[56:23] But it's only an hour long.

[56:27] And it's a great documentary.

[56:29] If you like Crumb at all, it's a good documentary.

[56:33] If you like old blues...

[56:33] Who doesn't like Crumb?

[56:34] It's a great movie.

[56:35] It's a good documentary.

[56:36] And also, it shows you how much of Terry Zweigoff is in the character of Steve Buscemi in Ghost World.

[56:43] Because you can see that the guy who made Louie Blueie was basically Steve Buscemi in Ghost World.

[56:48] So I recommend that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[56:51] What is it going to be?

[56:52] Invisible Maniac?

[56:53] Castle Creek?

Stuart Wellington

[56:54] I want to recommend a little movie called Magnum Force.

[56:58] Oh.

[56:59] It's the second Dirty Harry movie.

[57:01] It's awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[57:03] It's about the condoms.

[57:05] Actually, I like Magnum Force better than the first Dirty Harry.

[57:07] Really?

Stuart Wellington

[57:08] Yeah.

[57:08] I think...

[57:09] I can agree with you.

[57:11] And, yeah.

[57:12] Hal Holbrook's really good in it.

[57:13] It's no Deadpool.

[57:14] In that it's good.

[57:16] Yes.

[57:17] Yeah.

[57:18] Hal Holbrook's really good in it.

[57:21] And, yeah.

[57:22] Academy Award nominee for Into the Wild, Hal Holbrook?

[57:25] Yep.

[57:25] He's really good as a scheming police commissioner, I think.

[57:31] Wow.

[57:32] You really remember this movie well that you're recommending.

Dan McCoy

[57:34] I remember that it's totally awesome.

[57:36] He may be playing Mark Twain.

[57:37] I'm not sure.

[57:39] Or Edgar Allan Poe.

[57:40] He may just be playing Mark Taint tonight.

[57:42] Tomorrow.

[57:42] Do you call him Mark Taint?

Elliott Kalan

[57:44] Yeah.

[57:44] Mark Taint was his pen pen name.

[57:47] Mark Twain was Samuel Clement's pen name.

[57:48] And when he wrote Pornography, he was Mark Taint.

Stuart Wellington

[57:53] It's a little lowbrow.

[57:55] I guess that's the voice of Americana right there.

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] Yeah.

[57:58] That's folk ways.

[57:59] Folk porn.

[58:02] Fuckleberry Finn.

[58:04] No, you're fascinating.

[58:05] Tom Sawyer her.

[58:06] No, that's good.

[58:07] Keep it up.

[58:07] These are all the celebrated jumping frog of Calavera.

[58:12] Her ass county.

Dan McCoy

[58:13] Connecticut Yankee and King Arthur's cunt.

[58:15] Whoa.

[58:16] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[58:17] Pudding Head Wilson's vagina.

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] Pudding Head Wilson.

Dan McCoy

[58:22] Yeah.

[58:23] You don't have to change that one.

Elliott Kalan

[58:24] Yeah.

[58:25] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[58:26] So on that.

[58:27] And roughing it.

[58:30] But that's R-U-F-F.

[58:32] Yeah.

[58:33] Yeah.

[58:33] Because it's about.

[58:34] Muffing it.

Elliott Kalan

[58:37] This is a terrible turn.

[58:39] I should never have brought us down this road.

[58:40] What would you fucking do, dude?

Stuart Wellington

[58:42] What did I do?

[58:43] House cat, save us.

[58:44] Rawr.

[58:45] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[58:45] Back on track.

[58:46] On that literary pornographic note, this has been the Flophouse and I've been Dan McCoy.

[58:52] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[58:53] I'm ashamed to say I'm Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[58:54] Good night.

[58:55] Man, all the British people aren't going to listen anymore after that.

[59:06] Testing, testing.

[59:07] Meow, meow.

Elliott Kalan

[59:10] The Flophouse has cat is everyone's favorite Flophouse mascot.

Stuart Wellington

[59:14] Flascot.

[59:16] Flascot, yeah.

[59:16] I was offered $10,000 to sell the rights of Flophouse house cat to M. Night Shyamalan for the live action movie.

[59:24] The last house cat?

[59:25] Yeah.

The Flop House: Episode #71 - The Last Airbender

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