The Flop House: Episode #72 - Killers

[0:00] In this episode, we complete our Katherine Heigl trilogy by discussing killers.

[0:31] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:37] And I'm Lou Fernandez.

[0:38] Yes, uh, Elliot, Elliot's New Year's resolution was apparently not to, uh, consider the fans, and what the fans want, and their emotions.

[0:49] I thought the fans wanted Lou Fernandez to do a guest spot.

[0:52] Well, no, the fans do want that, but Elliot apparently, like, he didn't care enough to fight Lou for his regular slot.

[0:58] He actually didn't respond to my challenge email at all.

[1:01] Right. You're sort of like, uh, you're like an Uwe Boll.

[1:04] Like, you knew that Elliot had been criticizing you, and so you challenged him to a box match.

[1:08] That's right. I did, I challenged him to some fisticuffs. Bare knuckle, I don't believe in, uh, just, I want it to be real.

[1:14] Yeah, you wanna, you wanna feel their skin on your skin.

[1:18] That's right. And not, no homo.

[1:20] Let the love begin.

[1:21] Now, you may, you fans may remember Lou from, uh, Jesus, why can't I even remember?

[1:27] Alien vs. Predator, I got it.

[1:28] Predator 2.

[1:29] ABP Requiem.

[1:30] That's right.

[1:31] Uh, he was on this show before. Uh, you also may know him from his much more popular than our podcast, podcast, Lou Reads the Internet.

[1:40] For you.

[1:41] For you.

[1:43] And, uh, you may recognize his dulcet tones from several, uh, advertisements.

[1:47] That's right. I'm, I did some commercials for Cuisinart and the New York Times.

[1:52] Yeah.

[1:53] That's awesome.

[1:54] You can even hear the warmth in his voice.

[1:56] I know. I wanna, I wanna buy a Cuisinart.

[1:58] Right now, I'm feeling like, uh, I'm in my, the place in my voiceover career where I need to go and live on the streets for ten years.

[2:05] Yes.

[2:06] And be discovered.

[2:07] Topical, topical.

[2:09] Yeah.

[2:10] Dating our podcast.

[2:12] Um, speaking of living on the streets.

[2:16] Yeah.

[2:17] Oh, no.

[2:18] Yes.

[2:19] The killers.

[2:20] It's not really, uh.

[2:22] Okay, yeah.

[2:23] I don't understand how segways work.

[2:24] I'm not sure.

[2:25] Well, you stand on it, and then you drive with your hands.

[2:28] No.

[2:29] There's a gyroscope, I understand.

[2:31] Uh, the, the guy who, the company fell off that cliff.

[2:34] What, the Gyrobot?

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:36] No, the owner of the company.

[2:38] Oh, okay. Wait, gyroscopes? What are we talking about?

[2:41] We're talking, yeah, we're talking about Gyromife, the NES game.

[2:44] Yeah, Gyrobot, the little robot that helps you play the game.

[2:47] Sure.

[2:48] I'm not familiar with this.

[2:49] Yeah, it was that old Nintendo game.

[2:51] The original Nintendo system came not only with the blaster,

[2:54] but also with a robot that had a gyroscope in it.

[2:57] It was an additional peripheral.

[2:59] Maybe two games were made.

[3:01] And Gyromife was one of those two games.

[3:03] Yeah.

[3:04] So, that's.

[3:05] I really, I feel like I need to see this now.

[3:07] Yeah.

[3:08] I'm not going to look at it right now.

[3:10] You're going to.

[3:11] Yeah, I mean, I hope not.

[3:12] Please remind me of that.

[3:13] You're like a computer guy, too.

[3:14] You know.

[3:15] Like a techie?

[3:16] I have a computer.

[3:18] A tech freak?

[3:19] Mm-hmm.

[3:20] A Gleek?

[3:21] Do you enjoy the television program Glee?

[3:24] No, yes, no.

[3:25] But Lou does a series of videos called Mac Tips.

[3:29] I also have a series of videos where I give unhelpful,

[3:31] not incorrect, but just unhelpful and retarded sounding Mac advice.

[3:36] Is that about the TV show Glee, too?

[3:39] Yes.

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:41] Okay.

[3:42] It's called Gleek Tips.

[3:45] Which is actually the very end of a Gleek's penis.

[3:50] Whoa.

[3:53] Yep.

[3:54] Well, it's not here, so I can break out Blue Dan.

[3:57] Blue Dan is here.

[3:59] Yeah.

[4:00] Nice.

[4:01] We watch a movie called Killers.

[4:03] Sure.

[4:04] The Killers?

[4:05] Not The Killers.

[4:06] It's the one where Chow Yun-Fat gets his eyeball shot out.

[4:08] And it's also not a black and white film noir movie.

[4:11] Spoiler.

[4:12] It's not The Killing.

[4:13] No.

[4:14] The Kubrick film.

[4:15] Wait, was that the Kubrick film?

[4:18] I don't even know.

[4:19] I don't know.

[4:20] That does sound weird.

[4:21] The Killing is a Kubrick.

[4:22] There was an old The Killers.

[4:24] The Killers?

[4:25] Boring.

[4:26] Let's get into the movie, guys.

[4:27] It was used in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, I believe.

[4:30] They used some of that footage in there.

[4:31] What?

[4:32] Yeah, this is a movie with Ashton Kutcher and Heigl.

[4:39] Heigl.

[4:40] Man, she is like an all-star.

[4:42] I think we've done more Katherine Heigl vehicles than any other actress.

[4:46] Yeah, she's the female Gerard Butler.

[4:49] Which I guess makes the awful truth?

[4:53] No, that's the Cary Grant movie.

[4:55] The Ugly Truth.

[4:56] So, from my understanding, this movie...

[4:59] By default.

[5:00] This movie, The Killers, takes place shortly after the end of The Ugly Truth.

[5:08] Right.

[5:09] When Katherine Heigl is dating Gerard Butler and they totally break up because he's a jerk.

[5:14] You know, because she's not spontaneous enough.

[5:16] I mean, what a bitch, this one.

[5:18] He's in Neanderthal.

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:20] Well, he's so masculine.

[5:25] But, so, is he a killer in that movie, too?

[5:28] He's kind of like Wolverine in The X-Men.

[5:31] Speaking of which, I was on the street today, guys.

[5:34] Wow.

[5:35] Nice to meet you.

[5:36] Okay, sure.

[5:38] And there was this awesome...

[5:40] I passed a minivan that had the license plate that said...

[5:43] A miniature van.

[5:44] Yeah, a minivan.

[5:45] Wow.

[5:46] And the license plate said Wolverine, but instead of an I, it was a one.

[5:51] Wow.

[5:52] So, that means someone has...

[5:53] A minivan has a minivan, right?

[5:55] Someone has Wolverine.

[5:56] Yeah.

[5:58] Someone kidnapped Wolverine?

[5:59] No, no, no.

[6:00] Someone actually has the whole word if they had to replace the one.

[6:03] Oh, I see.

[6:04] Yeah.

[6:05] Who is that?

[6:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[6:08] I like to think that Wolverine would ride around in a badass minivan.

[6:13] Oh, let's go back to the movie.

[6:15] I'm sorry for that.

[6:16] Yeah, it's a movie...

[6:18] So, it's the sequel to The Ugly Truth, is what you're saying?

[6:21] I think you said that.

[6:22] Okay.

[6:23] And they're broken, and Katherine Heigl just got dumped, and she goes to...

[6:29] She's on a trip with her parents.

[6:30] To Nice?

[6:31] Nice.

[6:32] To Nice, France.

[6:33] Nice, France.

[6:35] With her folks.

[6:36] Her folks, Tom Selleck and Katherine O'Hara.

[6:38] But she doesn't want anyone to know that she's there with her parents.

[6:40] Where would I know them from?

[6:41] You may know Tom Selleck from the popular detective show Magnum P.I.

[6:49] Oh, okay.

[6:50] And currently Blue Blood.

[6:52] Is that right?

[6:53] He's in the Blue Bloods program, which I don't know whether it's still there or not.

[6:56] Is that like True Bloods?

[6:58] Except Vampire Cops.

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:01] I'll watch it.

[7:02] A dynasty of Vampire Cops.

[7:03] I'll watch anything with vampires in it.

[7:05] And you may know Miss Katherine O'Hara from SCTV, the Canadian sketch show.

[7:11] Nope.

[7:12] A Mighty Wind.

[7:13] Or the mom in Home Alone, a very popular film.

[7:17] Nope.

[7:18] But she's also in all of those Christopher Guest films.

[7:21] Christopher Guest films.

[7:22] A Mighty Wind.

[7:23] Improvises.

[7:25] She's a red-headed lady.

[7:26] Have you seen A Mighty Wind?

[7:28] No, I mean...

[7:29] We just saw her in Killers.

[7:32] Yeah, you have seen her.

[7:33] She exists.

[7:34] We've all experienced her presence.

[7:36] Maybe she's just in other movies that I've seen.

[7:39] Maybe I'm just not watching the right movies.

[7:40] I did watch the movie with her in it just now.

[7:42] Home Alone.

[7:43] Home of what?

[7:45] Okay, so...

[7:46] No homo.

[7:47] They're...

[7:48] Second time.

[7:50] They're all going on a vacation together.

[7:56] Okay.

[7:58] Catherine Heigl is getting over a breakup,

[8:02] and I guess that's why her parents are taking her to Nice.

[8:04] I guess that's what's happening, even though she is a...

[8:07] Oftentimes, it's an American ritual when someone breaks up their parents

[8:10] to take them on an expensive vacation to Europe.

[8:12] Right.

[8:13] For all our international listeners.

[8:15] Yeah.

[8:16] To explain that to them.

[8:17] The father had some business there.

[8:19] Right.

[8:20] And Catherine Heigl is astounded

[8:23] when she comes face-to-face with a nearly nude Ashton Kutcher in the elevator.

[8:30] She's older.

[8:31] Of the hotel.

[8:32] Yeah, he was wearing a bathing suit.

[8:34] That's not the first time we've introduced him.

[8:36] Really?

[8:37] Is it?

[8:39] Don't we see him plant the bomb before then?

[8:40] All right.

[8:41] Spoiler alert.

[8:42] We see him planting a bomb.

[8:43] A bomb is planted.

[8:44] Yeah, it's all spoilers.

[8:45] Nobody's going to watch this.

[8:46] But Catherine Heigl, you know, you can see her panties moistening visibly

[8:53] Not literally.

[8:54] There's not actually a close-up of cloth dampening.

[8:57] This is an R-rated film.

[8:59] Not even.

[9:02] I mean, you could show that in an R-rated film,

[9:04] you just can't show, like, lips, right?

[9:08] Well, you would have to show lips and then

[9:10] have sort of a moisture meter go up the screen like

[9:12] burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[9:13] Okay.

[9:15] You can't really see it.

[9:17] All movies will be like this in the future.

[9:19] Sure.

[9:20] She falls for him immediately, and the two of them...

[9:23] Was this movie supposed to be in 3-D?

[9:27] Okay, because I thought maybe it was supposed to be in 3-D,

[9:30] and I was missing something.

[9:31] The two of them fall in love.

[9:32] Stewart, take it from here.

[9:33] Okay, so they fall in love.

[9:35] Martin Mall shows up, and I'm like,

[9:37] why isn't he being funny?

[9:39] And you guys are like, I don't think he's in a comedy.

[9:41] And I'm like, okay.

[9:42] So Martin Mall's hanging out with Ashton Kutcher,

[9:45] and he's like, yo, you've got to keep killing these people.

[9:47] And Ashton Kutcher's like, I don't know.

[9:48] I don't know if I was supposed to kill that last guy.

[9:50] I'm out of here.

[9:51] I love Kevin Heigl.

[9:52] And Martin Mall's like, oh, you'll regret this, dude.

[9:55] And then Martin Mall...

[9:57] Wait.

[9:58] Slow down.

[9:59] Put on the beret.

[10:00] it's not a good way to do it

[10:02] the movie has a lot like a million years was on the air again he asks

[10:07] he asked for her hand in marriage

[10:09] i don't know i remember that discs

[10:11] are they doing this is a shooting discus no not just because they're not having a

[10:15] great record roman challenge

[10:17] there uh...

[10:18] she's heat

[10:19] speaking of clay pigeons doesn't i lost anyway what else happened

[10:24] there's an explosion

[10:26] right which which is good inner heart like i don't know i think it does but

[10:30] does actually

[10:31] murder a helicopter pilot

[10:34] what's up that's how you know that he is a killer that's how you know he's our

[10:37] heroes are here because he's a killer of people

[10:40] and of uh... darker skin

[10:42] whoever happened to be uh... employed

[10:44] but i don't know that i think that

[10:46] okay

[10:47] so

[10:48] they're in love he asks uh... i guess to marry her

[10:53] tom seliger dad is like uh... okay i'm a tough you know he's kind of a uh...

[10:58] there's something there

[10:59] there's something going on between the world as it's that's that's one mustache

[11:04] smile of his

[11:05] lot of dimples on that guy

[11:07] you know sexual tension of the probably the anger

[11:11] probably they're both

[11:12] hunks

[11:13] juror

[11:14] there's a lot of the same

[11:16] yeah i mean i don't know it's still pretty women still think i'm telling is

[11:20] cruel is uh... hot even though he's a

[11:22] without a generic

[11:24] uh... so then that's the then they do a fast forward right they do three years

[11:28] later three years later brett's movie three times a week

[11:32] it's not fair and we're living in suburbia

[11:35] ashen kutcher is now working fires singing about it apparently that's right

[11:40] it's a

[11:41] and don't get that reference

[11:43] he uh... who the arcade players and my actions which are is now a architect or

[11:48] maybe a construction he got his architecture license and i guess he has

[11:53] a certain job doing buildings and use that three years wisely

[11:57] that's right and architecture masters would fit right into that i don't know

[12:01] that what we're going to have a really started the program when he got back

[12:04] from nice

[12:06] and uh...

[12:08] now he's a successful and i was kind of irritating and should they plan a

[12:13] birthday party or something

[12:15] uh... i lost again what i would have asked him to return to this is a part

[12:19] of the school but he has some

[12:20] he has a run-in with the dean

[12:22] i'm sorry this is a movie that has been a little different from where we had to

[12:26] stop the movie you had to explain it to me that we had to stop the movie three

[12:30] times

[12:31] to discuss what was happening at this point in the film

[12:35] uh... ashen kutcher uh... is having the having this birthday party

[12:40] rob regal

[12:41] uh... so he's the daily show was a bright citizen brigade he's a he's a

[12:45] he's a friend of ashton's from the uh... the architecture firm

[12:50] uh... he's very crass it's nice that elliot's not here

[12:53] to hear us say anything about his daily to colleagues or former dailies with

[12:57] colleagues although roberto

[12:58] uh... perfectly funny with the material

[13:01] that he's sure he was not terrible in the movie uh... but he said i had any

[13:05] time the action scenes it turns out that rob regal is a assassin

[13:10] there to kill ashton kutcher not a friend and i'll tell you that it's a

[13:14] shocking about a five minutes before the movie from his introduction

[13:18] he falls asleep on the couch at the uh... at his

[13:21] party at the party but in between but before that we find out that he that he

[13:26] gets contacted by his former boss it's a lot of subtle interaction that you're

[13:29] missing out on yeah like kath and heigl worrying about their relationship

[13:34] and kind of being a bitch about it

[13:37] you know there's a lot of that going on then he gets the package in the mail

[13:40] she's always snacking

[13:43] i'm just trying to get the fucking basics of the plot out of the way guys

[13:48] okay

[13:48] so elliot would have done it three times so it turns out that rob regal is

[13:53] trying to kill him because there's a big bounty on his head twenty million

[13:57] dollars they drive around and shoot each other rob regal dies

[14:00] then uh... he doesn't just die his car gets flipped over onto some rebar

[14:06] okay and it all goes through the car spearing him

[14:08] nice it was a serious rather than it was very exciting spearing assassin seems to

[14:14] be a a theme sure

[14:17] later on they go to like his office or something

[14:20] and his secretary turns out to also be an assassin they battle for a little

[14:25] while she then gets speared by a bunch of deer antlers yeah but that's shoving

[14:28] ahead meanwhile

[14:29] because of the rob regal uh... fight

[14:32] kathryn heigl has learned that her husband is an assassin

[14:36] uh... he's like but you know i walked away from it because i love you and i'm

[14:40] not an assassin we're forgetting that

[14:43] gotta go back to his boss his boss is contacts him his former boss

[14:48] martin mull tells him to meet him at a hotel

[14:51] and they go to the hotel and he's dead and they take his computer

[14:55] or they're looking at rob regal's computer this is where i was confused

[14:58] they look at rob regal's computer here's the pictures

[15:02] the next person who's supposed to get hit is

[15:05] kathryn heigl's dad

[15:07] or he's in the pictures

[15:09] he's in the pictures right

[15:11] see this is the split you're just confusing the issue you're right i'm

[15:16] sorry so there were multiple attempts on his life multiple attempts on his life

[15:19] it caused some relationship stress that's true

[15:22] she just has had the curtain lifted she had no idea

[15:26] she's still coming to grips with it

[15:28] the whole town is trying to kill him all of a sudden

[15:30] it turns out there's a twenty million dollar bounty on their head as we have

[15:34] established

[15:35] and then at the end

[15:37] holy shit what happens

[15:39] tom selleck

[15:40] wait what?

[15:43] tom selleck has been involved from the very beginning

[15:45] what are you talking about? well it turns out

[15:48] that uh... ashton kutcher

[15:50] had been hired

[15:51] by corrupt martin mull

[15:53] to kill tom selleck and niece so he's not a bad guy

[15:57] uh... he might be

[15:59] ashton kutcher's not a bad guy

[16:01] no i mean i'm assuming he's not he's our hero tom selleck apparently worked for

[16:05] the u.s. government

[16:07] and ashton kutcher thought he was working for the u.s. government but at that point

[16:10] martin mull had gone corrupt

[16:12] so it was lucky that ashton kutcher

[16:17] walked away when he did because of love

[16:20] and so tom selleck is still alive now

[16:24] but because tom selleck knew that ashton kutcher

[16:27] was uh...

[16:29] an assassin who had been sent to kill him

[16:31] what does he do?

[16:32] uh... he still allows ashton kutcher to marry his daughter

[16:36] well he's uh...

[16:37] i mean especially when he finds out that she's going to have a baby

[16:40] yeah he's going to give her strong

[16:42] children

[16:43] right

[16:46] he's got a thirst for love

[16:47] so he passed the genetics test

[16:50] he lets him marry his daughter but he does go to the

[16:55] precaution

[16:56] of planting several sleeper agents in the town about a dozen who might

[17:01] be willing to then when the final bounty is announced to kill their friend

[17:05] did they get

[17:06] paid for that

[17:07] well he didn't get killed

[17:09] but why would they get wait

[17:11] the killer no one killed him

[17:12] maybe they were on a cash on delivery i'm wondering about the sleeper agents

[17:17] do they have jobs or are they being paid by uh... by tom selleck over the

[17:22] years the three years that's a good question

[17:25] what's the economics of this story? well look he's like there's going to be a big bounty you guys

[17:29] have to relocate to this area because this is a three year

[17:31] three year hit

[17:33] he's going to architecture school so you also have to go get your architectures

[17:38] degree

[17:39] that's an architect wait

[17:40] is it a degree or uh...

[17:43] let me just finish

[17:44] it's a printout

[17:47] tom selleck you go to secretary school

[17:50] triggered these people

[17:52] he sees the note from martin maul and sees and thinks that now

[17:56] ashton kutcher is back in the game

[17:59] so he gives the green light to kill him it didn't really bother him the attempted murder

[18:03] before

[18:04] but uh... now that's fair you know fool me once but martin maul

[18:08] once he thinks martin maul is back in the game with ashton kutcher

[18:12] uh... you know he's like you know he released the hounds

[18:15] and everyone in town

[18:17] is trying to kill him wipe them out all of them let loose the unlikely murderers

[18:21] but then at the end of the story borstein katherine heigl uh... announces

[18:26] that she's pregnant which uh... makes tom selleck

[18:29] sit back and and take a moment be like which explains her incessant snacking

[18:33] maybe this all was just a mistake

[18:36] and tom selleck and ashton kutcher and mistake and uh... katherine heigl and katherine

[18:41] o'hara

[18:42] uh... live together happily ever after even though uh...

[18:46] the father-in-law and the son

[18:48] tried to kill each other

[18:52] okay so it's weird but in the time dash and there's a baby there's a lot of

[18:55] people dead at the end of that's right at the very end of the movie the final

[18:58] scene the whole town full

[19:00] you have basically and no one of the most of the repercussions sure there's

[19:04] another time dash where now we're still at least nine months later and that

[19:07] baby is now a real baby it's not just yet as i go to which

[19:11] could be aborted wouldn't be a person we would have to have an argument about

[19:14] abortion okay and uh... but it is a baby israel and that you see him

[19:19] they look at the working on a bomb

[19:21] but it's really part of an elaborate laser defense system for the for the

[19:24] baby's room

[19:25] yet because he is a spy after all and this is the first time we see this by

[19:29] gadgetry

[19:30] now at the very end of the last minute of that's right

[19:34] we see that he's really is a spy so

[19:38] he's been only for a year

[19:40] so it's not a problem

[19:41] what was that nipple joke of the the bavarian forest chest hair

[19:46] gag

[19:46] uh... it was it was a very long time ago here

[19:50] is bs pretty well okay so we're talking about a comedy okay right

[19:54] so how does it work on on that level then

[19:57] well i think that we're gonna say is uh...

[20:00] that Catherine O'Hara is funny.

[20:03] She's playing an alcoholic mom who no one quite knows is an alcoholic,

[20:08] but she's clearly drunk in every scene.

[20:10] I'm assuming if I've seen her in other movies,

[20:12] she probably plays a similar character.

[20:14] No, no, she has a good range.

[20:16] Okay, good range.

[20:17] Tom Selleck is charming as he always is.

[20:21] That's sure.

[20:21] He's just a very likable guy.

[20:23] I was thinking in the movie,

[20:24] hey, you know what would be good?

[20:25] Why don't we make a movie about Catherine O'Hara and Tom Selleck

[20:29] as a spy family?

[20:31] Forget about these fucking youngsters.

[20:33] Sure, sure.

[20:34] Because Kutcher and Heigl...

[20:37] Well, they have chemistry that just comes right off the screen.

[20:40] It ignites the screen.

[20:41] Burns your face.

[20:42] Yep.

[20:44] You're like, ow, my face.

[20:46] Why did I make killings?

[20:47] It's a chemical burn.

[20:49] You gotta get baking soda.

[20:51] Yep, yep, yep.

[20:52] You can't do it with water because it'll just spread it around.

[20:55] Your whole body will start burning.

[20:57] It's terrible.

[20:58] So, Burns.

[21:01] So, thank you for tuning in to Burn, Pat.

[21:03] So, Burn notice.

[21:06] First rule of being a spy is kill your father-in-law.

[21:09] If you're gonna kill your father-in-law,

[21:11] you gotta have some masking tape.

[21:14] That's pretty good.

[21:14] Wow, that's pretty specific.

[21:16] Yeah, that's pretty good.

[21:16] You gotta go up, and then you go back down.

[21:19] It's the Michael Weston that's called in the biz.

[21:21] Sure.

[21:21] So, what was I gonna say about this?

[21:24] Oh, you were saying that originally,

[21:26] we were sort of complimenting the movie at one point

[21:29] because it does have the spirit of a 60s spy sort of comedy romp,

[21:35] maybe like charade, or like...

[21:37] Yeah, the first like 15, 20 minutes,

[21:39] I'm like, okay, this isn't good,

[21:41] but I could see myself kind of enjoying this.

[21:43] I mean, they're in Nice, so it's got like the foreign feel,

[21:47] like they introduce Catherine O'Hara and Tom Selleck.

[21:51] I'm like, oh, this is nice.

[21:52] I like these actors.

[21:53] They have a like Dr. No inspired pop art credit sequence,

[21:57] and it's all zippy, and then they leave France,

[22:01] and they never come back.

[22:02] But that's what I was gonna say,

[22:03] that after the three-year time dash,

[22:05] after they've gotten married,

[22:06] there's the whole thing of,

[22:08] she's like, I got us tickets to go on a cruise to Nice,

[22:10] and he's like, I can't go back.

[22:13] Oh, yeah.

[22:13] And up until then, there's never an explanation

[22:16] why he can't go back.

[22:18] Just like, maybe it could be

[22:20] because he blew up a helicopter there.

[22:23] He's flaunted by new toys.

[22:25] The family of the helicopter pilot

[22:26] is still looking for him.

[22:28] He's called Monsieur Le Helicopter Exploder in France,

[22:32] and there's one in Paris.

[22:34] They don't have words for that.

[22:37] French children are put to sleep

[22:40] by horror stories told by their nannas

[22:43] about a horrible man who climbs onto your yacht.

[22:46] Helicopter sales went down tremendously

[22:49] in the Nice tourism plummeted.

[22:51] Sure.

[22:53] You don't want to go there

[22:53] and get your helicopter exploded.

[22:55] No.

[22:56] So, let's talk about the chemistry

[23:01] between our two leads, Dan.

[23:03] What do you think about Catherine Heigl?

[23:06] A lot of the comedy rests on her shoulders,

[23:10] which are more than ample to the task,

[23:12] don't you believe?

[23:14] I feel like Catherine Heigl has made a career

[23:16] of playing brittle and shrill in a series of films.

[23:20] She is unlikable.

[23:21] Yeah.

[23:22] All the time in this movie.

[23:23] I have to say I liked her hair,

[23:24] which sounds odd,

[23:27] but I did.

[23:28] I like it.

[23:29] I mean, was her hair funny in any way?

[23:31] No, I just appreciated it on her head.

[23:34] It complimented her appearance.

[23:36] I mean, I'll go so far as to say

[23:38] I disliked her less than in the other flop house movies

[23:42] we've seen her in, in this movie.

[23:44] Like, her period of brittle shrillness

[23:48] was shorter in this film.

[23:51] It was mainly when she was upset about him being a spy.

[23:55] Oh, sure, which was like 45 minutes of the movie.

[23:58] Sure.

[23:58] But still, not all of it.

[24:00] Yeah.

[24:01] So that's a plus.

[24:03] Ashton Kutcher,

[24:06] is he a believable action star?

[24:09] He's got tremendous abs.

[24:11] Yeah, he does.

[24:14] That's basically, I was just trying to get you to say it first.

[24:17] I mean, I didn't want to, you know,

[24:19] I didn't want people to think I was weird.

[24:20] What is that file of me saying,

[24:21] he's got tremendous abs?

[24:23] Well, he does have tremendous abs.

[24:24] The guy, he works on his solo flex.

[24:29] That's a flex that you can do alone.

[24:31] Is that right?

[24:32] Yeah, you can buy it off the internet.

[24:33] Oh, man.

[24:36] Yeah, but it would, you know,

[24:37] he's fine whenever he's supposed to be

[24:40] just, like, doing light comedy.

[24:42] Like, not actually delivering jokes,

[24:44] but just being like, oh, I'm the charming guy.

[24:47] But any time he has to show any sort of emotion.

[24:49] Right.

[24:50] Well, there's also like the, it's the comedy,

[24:51] but there's that serious scene in the cemetery

[24:54] where he's like, I'm getting out.

[24:56] Where just any, he just falls apart

[24:59] whenever he tries to get serious.

[25:01] And one of the things I think you pointed out

[25:02] was how the opening of the movie,

[25:05] they kind of, you know,

[25:06] they show Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher

[25:09] getting together.

[25:10] But they don't, I mean,

[25:11] they don't really have that much chemistry.

[25:12] There's not that much spark.

[25:14] And then they have to like,

[25:15] so they show that sequence.

[25:17] Yeah.

[25:17] And then they jump forward three years

[25:19] and they don't really show you

[25:22] their married life that much.

[25:23] We have no idea who they're supposed to be as a couple.

[25:26] So the big shake-up in their life doesn't,

[25:29] there's nothing to play off of there.

[25:31] And most of their married life

[25:32] consists of them referencing their meeting

[25:36] in the beginning of the movie.

[25:38] And her relationship with her parents.

[25:41] We know nothing about his family in any way.

[25:44] Mm-hmm.

[25:45] But he probably was chosen to be a killer

[25:46] because he has no family and no ties.

[25:48] So that if he's found...

[25:50] We do know that Katherine Heigl

[25:52] is friends with Casey Wilson,

[25:55] co-writer of Bride Wars.

[25:58] Former SNL cast member.

[26:00] Yeah.

[26:00] So there's that.

[26:01] Former, huh?

[26:02] Yeah.

[26:04] The whims and ways of...

[26:06] Lorne Michaels.

[26:07] Lorne Michaels.

[26:08] Okay.

[26:08] Well, Bride Wars was not that good of a movie.

[26:12] I don't think...

[26:13] Two strikes.

[26:14] I don't think Lorne Michaels got rid of her

[26:16] because of that, I think.

[26:18] Oh, okay.

[26:18] It happened beforehand.

[26:19] Okay, so...

[26:21] Yeah, we don't really know that much about them,

[26:23] so the shake-up doesn't really matter.

[26:25] I mean, it's impossible not to compare this movie

[26:27] to other, like, spies,

[26:31] like, disguised spies as suburban couples.

[26:34] I think someone mentioned Hot Fuzz,

[26:36] where, like, suddenly everyone's an assassin.

[26:38] Yep.

[26:40] True Lies.

[26:41] They had moments of true lies that were...

[26:44] And Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

[26:47] So, I mean, there's...

[26:50] The classic.

[26:51] Sure.

[26:51] Ex versus Sever.

[26:54] I mean, I'm not saying...

[26:55] Movies where women and men are interested in each other.

[26:57] I'm not going to say Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a good movie,

[26:59] but it's the same fucking thing.

[27:01] It's like a globetrotting assassin is disguised

[27:03] as a suburban housewife or something.

[27:05] Well, it's a much better movie than this movie is.

[27:07] That's true, but that's, once again,

[27:09] all because of the chemistry.

[27:11] It was also directed, as you said,

[27:12] you said it was directed very flatly.

[27:13] There's nothing ever visually exciting happening.

[27:16] Except for her hair.

[27:17] The scene with, yeah, well...

[27:19] That's not the director, that's the stylist.

[27:22] It's a spy movie.

[27:22] It cries out for, like, crazy stuff.

[27:25] There's only one real fight scene, right?

[27:27] With Rob Riggle?

[27:28] Yeah.

[27:29] Which...

[27:30] There's a brief fight scene where...

[27:31] It was okay, and then it went on too long.

[27:33] With a young, a petite woman.

[27:36] That's true.

[27:36] Which ends with her being stabbed by antlers.

[27:40] Why were the antlers up?

[27:42] They mentioned it earlier as being silly or ugly.

[27:46] Rob Riggle, that was his decorating choice.

[27:50] No.

[27:51] It's too bad he wasn't killed,

[27:52] but that would be poetic justice.

[27:54] Yep, hoisted by his own batard.

[27:57] Some random shit.

[27:58] I would have liked to hear the detail

[27:59] that he had actually killed all the deer

[28:00] to make that antler chandelier,

[28:02] because it was at least 50 antlers.

[28:05] Well, speaking of the fact that everyone

[28:07] turned into an assassin in the movie.

[28:10] Now, we were taught, like...

[28:11] At least 50% were women.

[28:13] Eventually, this made sense.

[28:15] We were talking...

[28:16] Sort of.

[28:17] Okay, eventually this didn't make sense

[28:20] in a different way, okay?

[28:23] Okay.

[28:24] Originally, this idea didn't make sense

[28:25] because we were all like,

[28:26] okay, so these people have been living with them

[28:30] for three years in their lives,

[28:33] like, playing these parts...

[28:34] In case.

[28:35] In case there's going to be a bounty on them,

[28:38] and then all of a sudden,

[28:40] when there is a bounty on them,

[28:41] they all come up to them and make their presence known

[28:44] and act like they normally do,

[28:46] only a little more sinister.

[28:48] Yeah.

[28:48] Like, hey, you want to sign for this delivery, chief?

[28:51] Yeah, like the mailman menacingly throws the...

[28:53] A delivery of bullets!

[28:54] Yeah, yeah.

[28:55] Instead of just...

[28:56] Come over to the other side of the van

[28:57] where I can shoot you better.

[28:59] Right.

[28:59] Instead of just easily walking up to them

[29:01] because they're all friends

[29:02] and quickly putting a bullet in their brain.

[29:03] Hey, guy, you want a pizza pie?

[29:05] Nope, it's a circular saw blade.

[29:08] Hey, I wasn't expecting a pizza pie.

[29:09] Sure.

[29:10] Well, sure, they could cover.

[29:12] They could just, you know,

[29:13] they live in a town with a lot of pie buildings.

[29:15] You could be like, hey, what's up?

[29:16] Boom.

[29:17] Poison.

[29:18] Yeah.

[29:18] I'm going to go out on the street

[29:19] and prove that this is possible right now.

[29:21] So, none of that made any sense

[29:23] until it's revealed at the end

[29:25] that there were sleeper agents,

[29:28] Tom Selleck's sleeper agents.

[29:29] But then this doesn't make sense in another way,

[29:32] which we've already pointed out,

[29:33] like, have they been getting paid this whole time?

[29:36] They might have been sleeping the whole time.

[29:39] Why did Tom Selleck just be like,

[29:41] oh, I'm going to have assassins hang out around you

[29:44] rather than not let you marry my daughter?

[29:46] How did they get past, like, you know,

[29:48] the interviews for the neighborhood,

[29:50] like getting their realtors and stuff like that?

[29:53] It's a really insanely detailed plot

[29:55] for Tom Selleck to have crafted in Nice

[29:58] when he's on vacation.

[30:00] these houses uh... lying fallow like people not living in these houses so

[30:04] just like this is a ready to move into a dead end neighborhood

[30:09] these are all questions and the assassins kind of reinvigorated this

[30:12] community

[30:13] now that they're all dead like what's going to happen? These assassins have a vibrant tradition. The convenience store is going to have to close

[30:19] half the town's architecture firm is dead

[30:21] uh... all the guns and bullets stores

[30:24] they're going to go out of business

[30:25] Who is using all these guns and bullets? I'm not complaining. We're doing better than we ever did.

[30:31] Our second economic boom has been fueled entirely by guns and bullets.

[30:36] In the downturn, everyone buys ammo, just as a matter of fact.

[30:39] This is why I buy all the ammo.

[30:41] Topical!

[30:42] Thanks for dating this podcast, dork!

[30:47] So, but ultimately we discover, as we alluded to before,

[30:53] that we have been meant to care for this entire movie

[30:56] about a

[30:57] fight between

[30:59] two people who are supposed to both be

[31:03] our heroes, like Tom Selleck and Ashton Kutcher

[31:07] like their rivalry or whatever has been going on is like at the heart of

[31:11] everything that's happened in this film basically

[31:14] and they're both good guys

[31:16] and uh... they're both members of the same family so Tom Selleck shouldn't be

[31:22] trying to kill Ashton Kutcher

[31:24] and

[31:25] and at the end

[31:26] a bunch of people got killed because of this feud

[31:29] and that's the movie that we saw

[31:32] They just love their family. If I learn one thing from reality TV show interviews

[31:36] with people, they just love their family and that's what matters

[31:40] Family. That's all that matters.

[31:42] And our Lord.

[31:43] Yeah, and children are our future.

[31:46] Like their child spy

[31:50] kid spy

[31:52] Killers 2

[31:54] God, can you hear me? It's Margaret.

[31:57] I was going to say that

[31:59] when it's revealed that they're sleeper agents by Tom Selleck the whole scene of

[32:03] him being like

[32:04] Tom Selleck somehow and for no reason recognizes

[32:09] Ashton Kutcher in the flashback as the assassin. That's why he didn't get on the

[32:12] helicopter

[32:13] Yeah, they showed us the flashback from earlier in the movie.

[32:17] Why did he know that Ashton Kutcher was an assassin? Just because he knows.

[32:21] Every time I see a very gay-looking dude come in a hotel I know not to get in a

[32:25] helicopter. I mean, he was in France.

[32:29] Come on.

[32:30] He was playing. I thought he was playing Faye.

[32:33] Oh, okay.

[32:34] He did talk with a weird accent early on.

[32:37] The weird thing is that after they've kind of come to this understanding

[32:40] uh... Tom Selleck then just points his gun and shoots one of the uh... his sleeper

[32:45] assassins. That's right. He shoots the girl from Mad TV or the voice of uh...

[32:49] Alex Borstein.

[32:50] It's like, hey, wait, wait.

[32:52] Bounty's off. Nope, he had a killer.

[32:56] It's easier than paying her. Sorry for the trouble.

[32:58] You know, here's a couple thousand for your pains. Sorry I killed your fake husband.

[33:03] I don't know if you guys really had to do it since you were just working for me, but...

[33:07] I don't know how deep your cover was.

[33:11] Real deep.

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:14] I'm giving you the serious face.

[33:17] So...

[33:18] Stuart, do you not know whether you're a criminal or a cop anymore?

[33:22] I don't. You're in too deep.

[33:24] The thing about hunting monsters, dudes, is that sometimes when you hunt monsters

[33:29] you have to become one.

[33:30] Holy shit. You find them.

[33:33] I don't know what that means. Inside yourself.

[33:36] The monster in the mirror.

[33:37] Monster's ball. Yep.

[33:42] The notebook.

[33:44] There's a monster at the end of the notebook?

[33:46] I heard that the monster in the notebook is that it makes couples break up.

[33:50] Alzheimer's is the monster at the end of the notebook.

[33:53] Yeah, when people realize that your potential mate may get brain wasting disease.

[33:58] It's kind of a boner buster.

[34:00] That is a boner buster.

[34:03] So, I'm recording this in a different way than usual, so I have no idea how many minutes we've gone.

[34:09] Okay, let's wrap this shit up.

[34:11] We're doing it by measures right now.

[34:12] It's in song. I'm trying something else so I can...

[34:15] Well, you don't need the technical stuff.

[34:17] Are you doing auto-tune to this one?

[34:18] Yeah.

[34:19] Nice.

[34:20] So, guys.

[34:22] Was this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you actually liked in some ways?

[34:26] Stuart.

[34:28] I kind of hoped that it would have been a movie I would have kind of liked,

[34:31] but it was a bad bad movie.

[34:35] Yeah, there just wasn't enough...

[34:38] The comedy really wasn't there.

[34:40] I did get a couple of laughs out of it, but most of it was just relatively boring.

[34:45] It was very flat.

[34:46] Yeah.

[34:48] Yeah, I feel like there were a couple of flourishes in it.

[34:51] It was trying to aim higher than like, you know, like I said,

[34:55] like The Bounty Hunter or something like along those lines.

[34:58] It was trying to aim higher than just being like a generic high concept romantic comedy.

[35:02] It was clearly like drawing on older like zippy like spy comedies,

[35:07] but ultimately, especially as soon as it was revealed that Tom Selleck was behind it all

[35:14] and they had just been shooting at each other like in-laws have been shooting at each other

[35:19] the entire movie, I got angry.

[35:22] Yeah, I was going to say that, you know, like I said,

[35:25] you could see what they were trying to do and I was kind of like,

[35:28] oh, I wanted it to be so much better.

[35:30] And I think I'm giving Ashton Kutcher a lot of credit,

[35:33] but I feel like he could do it, but he just can't.

[35:36] Yeah, that is that that makes sense.

[35:38] But, you know, I was going to say, but it had moments where I hoot and hollered out loud,

[35:43] you know, spontaneously with like when they are a hillbilly.

[35:46] That's right. Well, you know what?

[35:48] That's because I was trying to get your attention because I had dropped my watch for the

[35:54] well, the impaling of Rob Riggle and the upside down car.

[35:58] And then the the impaling that no, the the the the what I call it,

[36:04] the Italian prostitute woman in the red car when she exploded from behind.

[36:08] It was neither Italian nor a prostitute in the movie, by the way.

[36:12] Yeah, I just call women like that Italian prostitute.

[36:16] Disclairing. Well, I think that we can all agree that was a bad, bad movie,

[36:21] but better than many of the bad, bad movies we've seen.

[36:25] It was so slow and nonsensical.

[36:27] Nothing, Dan. Yeah, I don't.

[36:29] It was terrible, but I wanted it to be better.

[36:32] But my my hopes and dreams mean nothing to this.

[36:35] Yeah, that's fine. So, Lou, I thought that instead of reading some some mail,

[36:45] I would like to learn a little bit about something that you did recently,

[36:48] which was to see the Spider-Man musical.

[36:50] Oh, this is becoming the Broadway flophouse for a moment.

[36:54] Yeah, this is my little back story.

[36:59] My my cousin was coming in from Ecuador and she wanted to do something special for her husband

[37:03] because they were going to be here over the holidays.

[37:05] So she told me, like, do you want me to get tickets?

[37:07] I can get us four tickets to the Spider-Man while they're here.

[37:10] So it was me, Christopher and my cousin Dan also bought tickets and my seven year old son and his five year old son.

[37:18] So we were there with my family and son has a five year old son.

[37:21] Yeah. His five year old son, Romano.

[37:25] Sure. And you want to show them what it looks like when a human dies.

[37:29] Chris's seven year old son.

[37:32] And so we went and saw it and it was the worst experience of my entire life.

[37:39] It was unbelievably terrible theater experience.

[37:42] I'll say that. OK, I've had people die in my life and that was sort of worse personally on a personal level.

[37:48] But as a theater and a theater level, this was it was absurd.

[37:51] Now, you like comic books. Sure.

[37:54] How would you feel if you found out that Uncle Ben was run over by a car instead of shot by a murderer?

[38:02] All right. That's a little weird.

[38:05] I heard that and I was immediately like, well, there goes Spider-Man's motivation.

[38:09] Yeah. He thinks someone says someone stop that car.

[38:13] And he's like counting money in the car.

[38:16] It's Uncle Ben, which who is off screen, off stage and then he's dead and he doesn't say anything.

[38:25] Why were you doing great responsibility?

[38:29] That is said in a song.

[38:30] Awesome. That is not actually said to Spider-Man at any point in the movie.

[38:34] But here's the where it gets weird is the beginning of movie.

[38:38] There's the story is told this exposition by four teenagers who are telling the story of what would be the best Spider-Man story ever.

[38:46] And they for some reason.

[38:48] And then that's then Spider-Man.

[38:49] Then that never happens.

[38:51] So the girl says the girl in the group was that there was another person who had hoops.

[38:55] There was another person who had spider powers, not just Spider-Man.

[38:58] It was a girl in ancient Greece.

[39:00] Her name was Arachne.

[39:02] And they tell the story, the Greek myth of Arachne, who has loses a battle with Athena or Hera or whatever and and commits suicide.

[39:13] Or she wins, but she boasts.

[39:15] And so the God curses her or whatever.

[39:19] It is a Greek mythology.

[39:20] Anyway, so she hangs herself even show, but it's important.

[39:24] She hangs herself and then she is cursed to be the spiders.

[39:26] And she does. She weaves people's fates.

[39:28] Anyway, that's important because later.

[39:33] So anyway, the Green Goblin is created.

[39:35] The Green Goblin is not a man who gets turned into a super smart and strong person who's crazy, but actually genetically mutated into a lizard man.

[39:43] With wings, who flies around like a goblin.

[39:47] Yep, yep, yep. Or like a lizard.

[39:49] And he throws genetically mutated pumpkin bombs.

[39:52] All this happens off stage and you never see any of that in real life.

[39:55] You do. The flying stuff is cool because it's pretty impressive that they can.

[40:00] Landed dude in the aisles of the theater, right?

[40:03] He's doing but like half the time he was like here I go

[40:06] And then he'd be like supposed to grab one of the ropes that is holding him to be like his spiderweb

[40:11] He's never actually shooting spiderwebs and but he would miss it and be kind of like

[40:21] The the music is terrible the songs are retarded

[40:25] The Mary Jane thing is like hardly explained his problems that as Peter Parker's problems are hardly explained

[40:31] There's no orchestra. It's all canned music except for two dudes playing guitars on the side of the stage

[40:36] Awesome that you can see they're like standing stage level with a rack of guitars

[40:41] and

[40:43] spider-man and the Green Goblin have a battle and

[40:47] in the end, but he tries to recruit spider-man to help him because they're both freaks and

[40:51] And

[40:52] Spider-man rejects him and they have a battle and spider-man kills a Green Goblin

[40:56] Green Goblin falls to his death and dies because he's a bug man, right?

[41:00] He's dead and then spider-man is like people who get close to me get hurt

[41:03] so I'm gonna quit being spider-man and he throws away the costume and

[41:07] You're seeing one now. I forgot to mention that

[41:11] Arachne gives spider-man the costume. Okay from the aetheria from the astral plane

[41:17] Okay, we're Mamu a high-five opens. Oh, okay spider-man rejects being spider-man curtain down man

[41:24] No more the people the people come people behind me go sir. Is that it? Is it over?

[41:30] Should we go are people leaving? Is that it? You'd think they would tell us if that was it

[41:35] That's part of the script, right? Yeah, it was like the people in the audience were part of the play

[41:40] People were taking pictures. There's lots of like

[41:42] No pictures like ushers screaming at everybody over to get likely and catch them stuff

[41:47] So yeah, there's someone dying. So the screen the curtain goes up for second scene

[41:52] Fireman is gone. No one knows where he is

[41:54] Arachne is mad

[41:55] so the

[41:56] teenagers are like trying to figure out how to tell the story without spider-man because they're back telling the story and

[42:00] Arachne shows up and she's like I'm taking over this story and they're like what you can't do that

[42:05] She says I just did get out of here. And then her and her likes furies which are eight-legged women in a like

[42:12] thigh-high stockings with garters on all eight legs kind of come out and do this like

[42:20] Some sort of human centipede over here

[42:22] So then Arachne ticks over the world to make weaves an illusion to bring spider-man out

[42:27] So that he can be spider-man again, and then he can set her free from the astral plane

[42:32] Okay, so then it makes no sense whatsoever

[42:35] James's character is like a supreme asshole who's makes no sense and she looks like the comic

[42:42] yes, but she makes him she appears to him in a two-legged form to try to coerce him to make a

[42:48] Editorial about spider-man and he doesn't want you. So then I'll her eight-legged monster people come in

[42:57] They put a weaver like a ribbon around him and he's like

[43:01] Story to the the black guy who's the his help the assistant editor. Yeah

[43:08] Frank something

[43:11] So he

[43:13] Sorry guys, so then he so then

[43:16] There's she revives all the bad guys and he has to fight them and he never than actually fight anybody

[43:23] He's like there's like a giant screen and he's like punching it

[43:31] Like that sometimes when I watch these flop house movies

[43:38] I'll just cut to the end the the arachne goes to

[43:42] Eventually spider-man goes to try to save Mary Jane and she's falling off the bridge

[43:46] Which is where that guy fell off in the previews and they've been the famous video

[43:50] They now he doesn't actually doing to conflate Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy another now

[43:54] They they don't even bother to have him pretend to die

[43:56] He like runs a slow motion to the edge and go like this and the screen goes black

[44:00] He doesn't jump anymore because the safety concerns, but anyway, he jumps and then he ends up in the astral plane

[44:07] now he's in the astral plane with his giant net and it kind of he he kind of climbs all over it like a spider and

[44:13] Mary Jane is in a cocoon

[44:15] behind them for some reason and he's like you need to save Mary Jane become spider-man and

[44:20] Peter Parker says, okay. I'll becomes my man and then and then Iraq. He's like, oh Peter Parker. I

[44:27] Thought we were I thought we were done with you and then so he's like she's gonna let him Mary Jane go

[44:34] For no reason and then Peter Parker kisses arachne and she's like you set me free

[44:41] Then she disappears and then she you see her reappear as ancient Greece arachne on her noose going up to heaven

[44:49] What

[44:52] It was like wait what and then it's and then the veil of illusion is lifted Peter Parker and Peter Parker's

[45:00] Has our spider-man has already killed Craven the hunter?

[45:03] sure

[45:05] Himself with a gun he did but in this one spider-man has apparently vanquished these people to the point where they need to be revived

[45:11] by arachne

[45:13] Spider-man is a murderer in this world, you know, yeah, that's like so did the

[45:18] I'm guessing the entire audience formed like a big line and marched all the way

[45:23] There was a lot of comics by handfuls of spectacular spider. There was a lot of hurling of feces

[45:28] It was like the ape house at the zoo

[45:29] No, it was like the the show was over and literally the curtain came down and people started streaming out

[45:35] Like people like laughing or shouting or no

[45:37] I was laughing pretty hard because half the time that I was going like what the fuck is happening

[45:42] why is who is it rack me here and

[45:45] Yeah, so people were leaving and then the curtain came up and there was the you know, the out-of-town rube's

[45:52] You know in comics people are always going to the astral plane

[45:58] Yeah, but I've never this is not called. Dr. Strange. Yeah. Yeah the play like dr. Strange and magic and shit

[46:04] Are always going there. I'm just I've never gone. Is it nice? I don't know

[46:09] Look, it's so great that arachne really wanted out of there. Okay, so

[46:15] So there's no shit there. Do you like the phantom zone to me?

[46:20] Yeah, wait, that's DC. Okay, that's DC. This is don't cry. Well, that sounds like you had a really

[46:26] You got a really awesome. Now. Here's the thing. Is that a seven and a five-year-old were highly entertained

[46:32] Yeah, as were the the rubes behind us put that on the ad. Yeah

[46:37] I if I have not been if I had not been into that

[46:43] Banks right for

[46:45] $300 I would not have been there for like the first after the first 10 minutes. Yeah, the music is terrible

[46:51] There's all kinds of like weird YouTube

[46:53] References in the in the musical like then the scene where spider-man before he becomes spider-man is is fighting bone crusher McGraw

[47:00] yeah, he's like that was actually the best part of the whole thing because they actually have a

[47:05] Rink comes out with this giant inflatable man and the guy who plays spider-man beats up this like bozo doll inflatable

[47:10] That's pretty it was really great and then and the graphic for that was great too, but um

[47:17] The point you to music or so. Yeah, I know like the the announcers like he's giving him a Sunday

[47:28] In case there any a little wink to the you to fans in the audience

[47:32] Like you didn't know already and then he said in a song. It was very similar to

[47:37] That early you to song walk away

[47:39] Well, I don't know but there was a song that was like very similar that it was lazy Bono's lazy

[47:46] All right, well, let's do some fast recommendations because I don't know what time we're at again

[47:52] so

[47:54] I'll go sure do it. I

[47:58] Spider-man the musical right? Yeah, I don't know what Lou was talking about. I was I say it's fun for someone

[48:04] five to five hundred

[48:07] Okay

[48:09] The Yoda in your life will enjoy it

[48:12] No, I for Christmas I got my brother

[48:19] Best worst movie I thought it was I saw it on his wish list

[48:23] I thought it was my duty as a co-host of a bad movie podcast

[48:27] To be the person to give that to him and then on

[48:31] New Year's Eve actually I watched that DVD

[48:35] with with him and

[48:37] There's your punishment for buying it for him. Yeah, no, I wanted to before I left I was visiting I wanted to see it and

[48:46] You know, it's just a really enjoyable movie it's

[48:49] It's not it's about you know, if you don't know it already. It's about the making of

[48:54] Troll 2 or not. Oh, it really is a documentary. It's not about the making of Troll 2 so much as

[49:00] The kid who was in Troll 2 grew up

[49:03] To make a movie about Troll 2 like you he talks about how he was trying he tried to run away from it for so

[49:09] Many years and they thought he realized what a great opportunity that he was in. That's funny like

[49:15] What is now kind of like the modern?

[49:18] defaults like worst movie like that or the room are like the ones that are gone to and so

[49:23] He goes and he revisits people that you know, we're in the movie with him. It's mainly about

[49:29] The guy who played the father who's like a dentist now, it's like a really jolly right, right

[49:35] and and how the dentist sort of like gets a second taste of fame in

[49:41] now that he's in this

[49:43] country film

[49:45] And he goes to like, you know, I think you see be here in New York

[49:49] Oh, you know, I remember when they did that screen. That's why I knew about it and all these things and like he's you know

[49:54] He's enjoying his cult success but then kind of has to go through a second split

[50:00] not fall, but realizing that he should spend his life as a dentist, probably.

[50:06] Mini fame.

[50:07] But there's also scenes with the Italian director of Troll 2 and his wife,

[50:12] who wrote it under his pseudonym, and them not realizing that it's a terrible movie

[50:16] and that its renewed popularity in America is because of it being a terrible movie.

[50:22] They don't get that?

[50:24] Yeah.

[50:25] They still think, like, this is now our chance to make Troll 3.

[50:27] Yeah.

[50:28] I mean, it's a funny movie.

[50:30] It's a very informative movie if you have ever seen Troll 2,

[50:34] and it's also a movie that actually has an emotional arc

[50:38] and says something about human nature.

[50:41] Unlike Troll 2.

[50:43] Right.

[50:44] Exactly.

[50:46] Stuart, do you have any...?

[50:48] Yeah, I've watched a bunch of movies lately,

[50:50] but I think the movie that kind of takes the cake

[50:53] isn't some kind of stupid bullshit like what you'd recommend.

[50:57] I'm recommending a little movie called Dollman,

[51:00] starring Tim Thomerson as the Dollman,

[51:04] a cop from outer space with a gun that blows people in half.

[51:08] That blows people's face.

[51:10] And the thing that's great about him,

[51:12] the thing that's great is he's so small,

[51:14] so it's really hard for the New York City goons to shoot him back.

[51:18] Can you step on him?

[51:20] Well, you'd think, but then he'd shoot him with his fucking giant gun.

[51:23] Now, on his planet, is he regular size?

[51:25] Yeah, he's regular size.

[51:26] On any planet.

[51:27] Or maybe a regular sized planet with just tiny people.

[51:29] It's the Earth's yellow sun that makes him small.

[51:31] So there's a lot of hilarious scenes of them trying to deal with the fact

[51:37] that the actor playing Dollman isn't actually only like the size of a doll.

[51:43] So there's actually not a lot of good perspective shots or anything.

[51:48] But the bad guy, the lead goon, is played by Jackie Earl Haley,

[51:53] who's recently come into fame.

[51:56] Where's Dollman from?

[51:57] It's from the late 80s, early 90s?

[51:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[52:00] Is it one of those full moon productions?

[52:02] Kind of, yeah.

[52:03] And there's just this really good bit at the end

[52:06] where Jackie Earl Haley's had his guts blown out by Dollman's amazing gun.

[52:13] And he's just got this look of sadness on his face like,

[52:16] what have I done?

[52:18] Yeah, it's totally great.

[52:19] I highly recommend it.

[52:21] It's like 70 minutes long.

[52:22] It's on Netflix.

[52:23] Screaming.

[52:24] Screaming.

[52:25] I was screaming.

[52:26] Screaming back for more, please.

[52:28] Now, wait a minute.

[52:29] If he shoots someone from his home planet with that gun,

[52:31] will they just be super exploded?

[52:33] Yeah.

[52:34] Double exploded.

[52:35] He blows the shit out of everybody.

[52:36] Because he's blowing up regular sized people with his giant gun.

[52:38] Yeah.

[52:39] With his tiny gun.

[52:40] He's kind of like a Dirty Harry type figure on his planet.

[52:42] But on our planet, he's like a very small Dirty Harry.

[52:45] He's trapped in a world he never made is what you're saying.

[52:48] He's a fish out of water.

[52:51] It's a culture clash.

[52:52] He's been taken out of water and placed into old timey 80s New York.

[52:57] Old timey 80s New York.

[52:59] Look back 30 years.

[53:02] That was 30 years ago.

[53:04] Back when New York was an urban hellscape filled with goons.

[53:07] That's true.

[53:08] I was living here then.

[53:09] And colored tank tops.

[53:11] And punks with their dyed mohawks.

[53:14] And gangs made up of all different ethnicities.

[53:18] All the colors of the rainbow.

[53:20] That was New York with so many inclusive gangs.

[53:22] Sure.

[53:23] So great movie.

[53:24] Doll Man.

[53:25] Watch that shit.

[53:26] Doll Man.

[53:27] Wow.

[53:28] Take it out of Netflix.

[53:30] Put it in your Netflix.

[53:31] Watch instantly.

[53:32] Cue.

[53:33] Pop some red and blackers.

[53:36] Watch that shit.

[53:37] I don't think my wife will let me watch that movie.

[53:39] But wait until she goes to bed.

[53:42] Watch some pornography.

[53:44] And then watch Doll Man.

[53:46] No, I think after I watch pornography, then I will go to bed.

[53:50] Okay.

[53:51] However you want to do it.

[53:52] It's your night.

[53:53] Sure.

[53:54] Watch them both at the same time.

[53:55] That's what I say to myself every night after she goes to bed.

[53:57] It's your night now.

[53:58] Wow.

[53:59] You're a big boy.

[54:00] This is your time, Lou.

[54:02] Do what you want to do.

[54:03] You're an adult.

[54:04] It's always pornography.

[54:06] I would like to recommend.

[54:08] I always have a hard time recommending things because I hate things.

[54:12] I would like to recommend.

[54:13] I don't know if you guys.

[54:15] Do you watch Riff Tracks at all?

[54:17] Sure.

[54:18] Riff Tracks and Cinematic Titanic.

[54:19] Those are great things.

[54:20] I'm just going to say that.

[54:21] But I was going to say Garth Marenghi's Dark Place.

[54:23] Have you watched that?

[54:24] No.

[54:25] Did we talk about that?

[54:26] A television program.

[54:27] Yeah, it's a television program.

[54:28] I haven't watched that many movies because all I get to do is watch Dora the Explorer

[54:31] and Go Diego Go because I have children.

[54:34] I don't even know what those are.

[54:36] Are they like Bakugan?

[54:39] They are like giant-eyed Mexican children who solve animal problems.

[54:46] If that was the title of the program, I would watch it.

[54:49] That's what Go Diego Go translates.

[54:51] Garth Marenghi's Dark Place is a six-episode BBC series that was about.

[54:57] The premise is that the guy who wrote it, Garth Marenghi, was a sci-fi writer.

[55:01] He's a really into himself writer.

[55:03] Dean Kuntz sort of figure.

[55:05] But also a Stephen King mystery and sci-fi writer.

[55:09] He wrote a show in the 80s called Garth Marenghi's Dark Place

[55:13] because the dark place is in his mind.

[55:16] It's about a crazy hospital where all this magic and science shit happens.

[55:19] He's like, now the BBC is so terrible.

[55:22] They are unearthing my show.

[55:24] It's like a documentary about the show.

[55:26] So they show it.

[55:29] They show the show, and then in the middle of it,

[55:32] there will be stuff talking about what was happening.

[55:35] It's all done very seriously, but it is super hilarious.

[55:38] Especially because they really managed to recreate the 80s special effects.

[55:42] So there's all kinds of weird video happening,

[55:46] and the magic is all super 80s effects.

[55:49] There's a great thing where someone is getting anally raped by this giant eye alien.

[55:56] Sounds pretty good.

[55:57] They show this giant blurred out dick going up this guy's night shirt.

[56:03] And then they cut to Garth Marenghi, and he's like,

[56:05] that actor was not pleased with his role.

[56:10] It was just the perfect...

[56:12] And it stars Moss, who is from the IT crowd.

[56:17] And he also has a character who plays one of the wizards on the Mighty Boosh.

[56:21] His character just plays a friend of Garth Marenghi's who gets acting.

[56:27] And in every episode, he has a scene where he shoots a shotgun multiple times

[56:30] with a cigar in his mouth.

[56:32] Sounds awesome.

[56:34] It's pretty entertaining.

[56:35] Of course, I have no idea where you would get it

[56:37] if you don't steal things off the internet.

[56:41] Look on the internet.

[56:42] Stuart, I see you crushing your core's light.

[56:44] I think that means...

[56:45] You know what that means?

[56:46] The party's just beginning.

[56:47] The party's just beginning, but the podcast is just ending.

[56:50] So, until next time, when maybe we'll all be back here.

[56:56] As much as I'm delighted.

[56:57] I doubt that severely.

[56:58] Don't fucking build them up, dude.

[56:59] You'll feel bad.

[57:00] Really?

[57:01] Oh, Dan, I thought it went great, too.

[57:02] Man, I...

[57:03] That's fucking mean, Dan.

[57:04] What are you doing?

[57:05] Oh, man.

[57:06] Thanks, guys.

[57:08] Is there like a secret handshake you guys are going to teach me about?

[57:11] You haven't done enough of them to get the handshake.

[57:14] There is a handshake.

[57:15] I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

[57:17] Tell them, though.

[57:18] I've been Dan McCoy.

[57:19] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[57:21] And for Elliot Kalin, I'm Lou Fernandez.

[57:24] Yay!

[57:26] Man, you're mean, dude.

[57:40] ATME.

[57:41] It's like one of them human soap beads.

[57:44] Sure.

[57:46] You know what someone said to me?

[57:48] It was that they saw that Village People, you know, the one guy who has like the puppets

[57:52] and he dances with all the...

[57:53] Yeah.

[57:54] Do you know what I'm talking about?

[57:55] Yeah.

[57:56] My brother saw that and was just like...

[57:58] He was like, is that the human centipede?

[58:00] Sure.

[58:01] Dancing at the carnival?

[58:02] No, the human centipede is something completely different.

[58:04] Right.

[58:05] Significantly sexier.

The Flop House: Episode #72 - Killers

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