The Flop House: Episode #75 - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Flophouse hosts wasting their lives.

[0:05] We discuss Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time.

Elliott Kalan

[0:30] The Flophouse

[1:00] That was spot on, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04] Afterwards, I listened to the podcast and I had Gary Marshall say the same things.

Dan McCoy

[1:09] Wait, Stuart, I'm a little worried that you have Gary Marshall chained up in your closet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] No, you mean Minnie Marshall, the tiny Gary Marshall that lives in your pocket?

[1:19] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20] I want him to make very small movies for me, but I want them to be tightly packed with characters and jokes.

[1:27] He lives in tiny L.A.

Dan McCoy

[1:29] Tiny L.A.

[1:33] Oh, jeez.

[1:35] Let's not rest on our laurels, though.

[1:37] Let's not just rest on our Hardee's.

[1:40] I don't.

[1:41] Get it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] Laurel and Hardee's?

Dan McCoy

[1:43] Oh, I thought we were talking about the Hardee's chain of restaurants.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46] I'd love to rest there, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:48] Let's not rest on our Carl's Jr., guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] Anything so we don't have to talk about the movie tonight.

Dan McCoy

[1:52] What movie?

[1:53] The movie was called Prince of Persia, colon, the Sands of Time.

[1:59] To differentiate it from all the other Prince of Persia.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] I guess the successful Prince of Persia series that goes back years, decades.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] I guess they're differentiating it from the video game, except for the fact that I guess there is also a video game named Sands of Time.

Elliott Kalan

[2:11] It's much the way that Hot Dog the movie was called that so people would know it was not a hot dog that you could eat.

Dan McCoy

[2:18] People were going into the theater.

[2:21] They're like, oh, $12, that's pretty expensive for a hot dog.

[2:24] This would be a pretty good hot dog.

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] And they'd sit down in a seat and watch a movie, and they'd be like, yeah, this movie's fine, but where's the hot dog?

Stuart Wellington

[2:31] They're kind of like Shag, right?

[2:32] Because you went and you're like, I'll have one shag, please.

[2:35] Like, what's that?

[2:36] What's that?

[2:37] I didn't want that.

[2:39] I want a movie.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] People were in there thinking that they're going to get carpeting.

[2:42] They're going to get a haircut.

[2:46] They're going to get a nice screw, a comfortable screw.

[2:50] I get shag.

[2:51] That's a British.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] No, no.

[2:52] Shut it down.

[2:53] Okay.

[2:54] Shut this one down.

[2:55] Sands of Time, Prince of Persia.

[2:57] So that's the movie we watched.

[2:59] A epic blockbuster of non-Persians saying they're Persian.

[3:03] It's like a Pirates of the Caribbean dead man's chest.

[3:06] It was.

[3:07] It definitely felt like this was the Pirates of the Caribbean.

[3:12] The Caribbean knockoff.

[3:15] You know.

Dan McCoy

[3:16] But learned a few of the lessons of that film.

[3:18] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] It was more of a Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

Dan McCoy

[3:22] Uh-huh.

[3:23] Two shades of blue.

[3:25] There's a...

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] Yep.

[3:26] That's what it was called.

[3:27] We pulled it back there.

[3:28] I like it.

[3:29] Yep.

[3:30] Trying to keep us on track, but Crazy Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[3:33] Words sound like other words.

[3:35] We could have done it.

Dan McCoy

[3:36] Jake Gyllenhaal was in this movie.

[3:38] He was.

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] Alfred Molina.

Stuart Wellington

[3:40] Properly pronounced, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] I'd like to hand it to you, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[3:43] Dan, how long did you have to practice to pronounce the star of the movie's name correctly?

Dan McCoy

[3:47] I'm familiar with the work of his sister.

[3:51] Primarily in...

[3:52] And her name is?

[3:53] ...dominant submission-themed films such as Secretary.

[3:56] And I think that's the only one.

[3:58] That's...

[3:59] What is her name?

[4:01] I've forgotten her first name.

[4:03] Really?

[4:03] Maggie.

[4:04] Sarah?

[4:05] Maggie Gyllenhaal.

[4:07] Yeah.

[4:08] And...

[4:09] Maggie Gyllenhaal.

[4:10] The Hungarian actress.

[4:11] And this movie also had Alfred Molina and Gemma Archerton.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] And let's not forget Benjamin Kingsley.

[4:17] Or Gemma Archerton.

[4:18] I don't know.

[4:19] Is Ben Kingsley up yet into the kind of Katherine Heigl, Gerard Butler territory where he's been

[4:27] in a lot of different Flop House movies.

[4:29] There's only been two.

Dan McCoy

[4:30] He was in Sound of Thunder.

[4:32] We talked about doing Blood Rain, but we didn't actually ever...

[4:38] No, I just watched that for fun.

[4:39] I watched that for...

[4:40] Yeah, for funsies.

[4:41] For pleasure.

[4:43] What else?

[4:43] Was he in anything else?

[4:44] Maybe he wasn't, but...

[4:45] He's been in so many bad movies.

Stuart Wellington

[4:47] He was probably in The Last Airbender.

[4:50] Everybody was.

[4:51] I think he was in fucking Valentine's Day.

[4:52] You just assumed that anyone who's bald was in The Last Airbender.

[4:54] Wasn't he the guy who was...

[4:56] Wasn't he the one with Jennifer Garner?

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] No, that was...

[5:00] Ashton Kutcher.

[5:02] That's America's...

[5:02] No, you're thinking of Patrick Dempsey.

[5:04] Oh, okay.

[5:05] You know, whatever.

[5:06] Not even bald.

Stuart Wellington

[5:09] I mean, he could have worn a wig.

[5:10] He wore a wig in Blood Rain.

[5:12] Yeah, that's true.

[5:14] Or the wig wore him.

[5:15] Depends on who you ask, because it's a pretty good wig.

[5:19] So, what was this movie all about?

[5:20] There was Sands of Time.

[5:22] There were Princes of Persia.

[5:23] There was Sands of Times.

[5:26] So, Jake...

[5:26] When I think of Persia, I think of carpets.

[5:29] Which of which there were none.

[5:31] Paisley.

[5:31] You think of Paisley.

[5:32] None in this.

[5:34] Yeah, I think of the guys who battle the 300.

[5:38] None of those in this.

[5:38] You think of slippers.

[5:40] Persian slippers.

[5:41] Persian cats.

[5:41] Yep, genies.

[5:42] Uh-huh.

[5:44] Magic lamps.

[5:45] So, what do we get here?

[5:47] Hookas?

[5:48] Sure, no, hookas.

[5:49] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] I'm amazed that there was no genie character in this movie.

[5:53] I'm kind of surprised now that there was not an appearance by a wisecracker genie.

[5:58] Yeah, I mean...

[5:58] A la Aladdin.

Dan McCoy

[6:00] This is a world where magic exists.

[6:02] Yeah, very much so.

[6:03] So, it seems like an oversight that there's no genie.

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:06] Maybe that was a cut subplot.

[6:08] Well, hopefully in genie...

[6:09] And they realize that this was two hours long.

Elliott Kalan

[6:11] In 20 years, they will go back and insert the genie character to make this movie what it

[6:15] was always meant to be.

[6:16] It'll be Prince of Persia, colon, the Sands of Time, colon, special edition.

[6:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:20] I mean, his original vision featured a genie in the background.

[6:24] Just making faces to distract you from how boring everything was.

[6:27] Hey, guys, look at me!

[6:28] Well, yeah, it wasn't boring originally.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] Because the genie was there.

Stuart Wellington

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:32] It was like you're getting two movies for the price of one.

[6:37] You had to wear special glasses.

[6:38] It's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[6:40] Genie glasses.

[6:40] Yeah.

[6:41] So, here's...

[6:42] It's Persia.

[6:43] Olden times.

[6:44] Yep.

[6:45] It's kind of Vegas.

[6:46] Where everybody speaks with an English accent.

[6:47] And everybody's white and speaks with an English accent.

Dan McCoy

[6:49] Where they...

[6:50] Olden times where they selected the papyrus font on the credits machine.

[6:56] The credit...

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] Credit matrix 5000.

[6:59] Yeah.

[7:00] So, a king of Persia...

[7:04] Sure.

[7:04] ...sees a street urchin, a young boy...

[7:07] Was there a prophecy or anything?

[7:09] No, no prophecy.

[7:10] No, there was a kind of text in the beginning that said...

[7:12] Some lives are linked through time and they have a destiny.

[7:16] But there's no, like, chosen one type.

[7:18] Well, actually, there is at the end of the movie.

[7:20] But anyway, sees a kid bravely fighting against soldiers to save another kid.

[7:27] And the king says, I like that kid's moxie.

[7:29] I'm going to adopt that orphan and make him a prince.

[7:32] And that kid grows up to be Jake Gyllenhaal.

Dan McCoy

[7:35] So, I'm assuming that we're skipping over the part where the king molests this child.

Elliott Kalan

[7:39] That part doesn't appear on screen.

[7:40] Because the king is just picking an orphan off the street and taking it home with him.

[7:44] It is a little bit like the opening of Different Strokes, but the one with the scary music over it.

[7:50] Sure.

[7:50] So, it looks like Conrad Bain is kidnapping those two children.

[7:53] Oh, man.

[7:53] If Conrad Bain was the king in this movie...

[7:56] Listen, if Conrad...

[7:57] How did Ben Kingsley feel about this?

[7:59] Ben Kingsley, the king's brother, didn't like it.

[8:02] He finds it to be insulting that street trash is living in the palace with the two real princes who are both wusses of the highest order.

[8:13] And one of them looks kind of like if Simon Pegg was playing Jesus.

[8:17] And the other one is like a...

[8:20] What's his name?

Stuart Wellington

[8:21] He's a taller, darker skinned, clearly not related to the other guy.

[8:24] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] And who's the guy who plays Green Lantern?

Stuart Wellington

[8:27] Ryan Reynolds?

[8:28] Ryan Reynolds.

Elliott Kalan

[8:28] It was like a thinner, swarthier Ryan Reynolds as the brother with the goatee.

Stuart Wellington

[8:33] I didn't get a look at his abs, so I couldn't see the comparison.

Dan McCoy

[8:36] And where does Colin Firth figure into this?

[8:39] He's a royal, right?

[8:40] He actually doesn't appear in this.

Elliott Kalan

[8:42] All right.

[8:42] Sorry.

[8:42] That's the king of England.

[8:44] The king of speed.

[8:45] Actually takes place at least, I'm going to say, 900 years after this movie.

Dan McCoy

[8:49] Well, I was confused, Elliot, because all of these Persians...

[8:51] Maybe he's the same time.

[8:52] All these Persians had an English accent.

[8:55] That's true.

[8:55] They were speaking English with a British English accent.

[8:58] And without a stutter.

Elliott Kalan

[8:59] That's because in the past, everyone had English accents.

[9:04] Right.

[9:04] All foreigners were English.

[9:05] As Stuart pointed out while we were watching it, that's the old accent.

[9:08] That's the old times, past accent.

Dan McCoy

[9:10] That's only the olden times, yep.

[9:11] Just like Greensleeves is the theme song to the Middle Ages.

[9:14] It required Jake Gyllenhaal to put on an unintelligible English accent.

[9:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:20] Jake Gyllenhaal is the second sleepiest performance of his career, I think, after Brothers.

[9:26] Okay.

[9:27] But flash forward to the present, by which I mean the past.

[9:32] Jake Gyllenhaal is a grown man and the best fighter and acrobat of the family.

[9:38] They are sent on a mission to do something.

[9:42] And Ben Kingsley tricks the princes into attacking a holy city which has a magic dagger in it, which is guarded by a princess played by...

[9:52] Jim Arterton.

Stuart Wellington

[9:56] And their battle plan revolves around Jake Gyllenhaal doing some free climbing up the wall.

[10:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:02] Well, this movie is based on a platform jumping video game, so there's a lot of Jake Gyllenhaal climbing up stuff and jumping off of things.

Dan McCoy

[10:08] Let's not gloss over the fact, too, that they're attacking to find these magical weapons.

[10:15] Well, they've been told...

[10:16] That don't actually exist.

[10:17] They've been told that this...

[10:18] WMDs, guys.

[10:20] WMDs.

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] Oh, I get it.

[10:21] They've been told that this city is making weapons to sell their enemies, but it's not.

[10:26] It's all a trick.

[10:27] So wait, are you saying that...

Stuart Wellington

[10:28] Are you saying Iraq has a fucking magic dagger with the sands of time?

[10:31] That's what he's saying.

[10:32] Exactly what I'm saying.

[10:33] Holy shit.

[10:33] We should go over there and take that piece.

[10:35] We did already.

[10:36] Oh, we did?

[10:37] Yeah.

[10:37] That's why everything's perfect now.

Dan McCoy

[10:38] It's out of sand, though, so that's why we can't go back in time before the economic crash or...

Elliott Kalan

[10:43] Unfortunately, President Bush pressed the button on the bottom of the dagger to go back in time and then did things worse than he did before.

[10:49] Wow.

[10:49] He actually screwed up batter than before.

[10:52] Screwed up batter for the pancakes?

[10:54] Yes.

[10:54] He screwed up...

[10:55] Yes.

[10:56] Well, his original plan was to have a pancake cook-off.

[10:59] Oh.

[10:59] But instead it turned into a horrible war.

[11:01] Elliot's error was punished by Dan.

[11:04] Flawless grammar correction.

Stuart Wellington

[11:07] So...

[11:08] And the thing about the...

[11:09] They point out...

[11:10] You just pointed out that because it is based on a platforming video game, they had to throw in shit showing Jake Gyllenhaal jumping around on, like, arrows driven into the wall.

[11:19] Yeah.

[11:19] Because the fun part of a platforming video game is watching the guy do that.

Elliott Kalan

[11:24] It's not...

[11:25] Okay.

[11:25] So they sack this city.

[11:27] They take the magic dagger back.

[11:29] Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't know what it is, but he's in possession of it.

[11:32] He is framed for the murder of the king by evil Ben Kingsley.

[11:36] Ironic.

[11:37] Oh.

[11:37] And he has to go on the run with the princess who hates him because he attacked her city and stole her dagger.

[11:44] Along the way they run into likable bandit Alfred Molina who runs an ostrich racetrack.

Dan McCoy

[11:50] And I think it's so much more interesting when you say it than it is on screen.

Elliott Kalan

[11:54] This is going to be a movie that sounds a lot more exciting and interesting than it actually is because there's a lot of adventures along the way, a lot of fighting and running.

[12:02] They have to run from place to place.

[12:04] They're attacked by a number of assassins.

[12:06] Yeah.

[12:06] And flying snakes.

[12:07] Flying snakes.

[12:08] Snake man.

[12:08] Assassins with claws and flying guillotines and that shoot blades out of their hands.

[12:13] And they look really awesome when they do it.

[12:16] Yeah.

[12:16] And there's a kind of like saxophone riff every time they appear.

[12:24] Eventually they find out that this dagger, when it's filled with the sands of time, you press a button on the bottom and you can go back in time like a minute.

[12:33] Yeah.

[12:34] It's like Next, that movie we watched.

Dan McCoy

[12:37] Yeah.

[12:38] Well, yeah.

[12:38] He can see like a minute into the future.

[12:40] He's like that next guy, Nicolas Cage.

[12:42] Back a minute into the past.

[12:44] Although the actual way that this dagger works is very fuzzy because like you go backwards and you've got knowledge of what just happened in the future, I guess.

[12:53] But it doesn't really seem to like match up.

[12:56] Like you still have – like if you grab the dagger in the future, you still have it in your hand when you go back into the past.

Elliott Kalan

[13:03] Yeah, it doesn't exactly – you don't come back at exactly the moment that you left from.

[13:07] Yeah.

[13:08] Anyway.

[13:10] So –

[13:10] I'm saying don't buy one of these daggers.

[13:14] Dan's Consumer Reports review of this dagger is it's a borrow, not a must buy.

[13:19] Wait until they work the bugs out.

[13:21] Yeah.

[13:22] Don't be an early adopter.

[13:24] Yeah.

[13:24] Get the beta version.

[13:25] Of the magic time dagger.

[13:26] Yeah.

[13:27] It turns out that underneath there's a lot of fighting and a lot of hoo-ha and people get killed.

[13:31] It turns out that there's a giant stone underneath the city that everyone lives in that is – if you stab the dagger in – that's where the sands of time come from.

[13:40] If you stab the dagger in it for some reason, it takes the whole world back in time to the beginning of time and everyone dies.

[13:47] Ben Kingsley wants to do this for lord knows what reason.

Dan McCoy

[13:49] Well, I had to clarify this by looking on Wikipedia.

[13:53] He was – he wanted to take the – he wanted to take a trip back in time to a point at which –

[13:58] Well, he saved his brother's life.

[13:59] Yeah.

[14:00] He saved his brother's life and like he could become the king.

[14:02] Like he wanted to change it.

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] I see.

[14:03] When Ben Kingsley and the king were kids, he saved his brother's life and his brother became king.

[14:08] I see.

[14:08] So he wants to undo that.

[14:09] So he'll be king.

[14:10] Yep.

[14:12] Instead, there's a lot of –

[14:13] That's the big scheme.

[14:14] There's a lot of bright lights and explosions and for some reason –

[14:17] A lot of big cities.

Dan McCoy

[14:18] A lot of Michael G. Foxes.

Elliott Kalan

[14:19] For some reason – for some reason it takes Jake Gyllenhaal back to the beginning of the movie and he's learned his lesson and he reveals the traitor Ben Kingsley.

[14:29] But only after two different fight scenes in which Ben Kingsley handily holds his own against Jake Gyllenhaal.

[14:36] I buy it.

[14:37] The movie buys you to – I ask you to believe that.

[14:39] Jake Gyllenhaal who through the whole movie has been fighting everybody and defeating them.

[14:43] Right.

[14:43] Undefeated.

[14:44] Very athletic.

[14:44] Everyone talks about how he's the great.

[14:46] Very athletic.

[14:46] Jumping from platform to platform.

[14:48] Big muscles.

[14:49] Kind of dopey looking there.

[14:50] He's got a sad face.

[14:52] Yeah.

[14:52] And he's got lanky like greasy hair.

Dan McCoy

[14:55] Which everyone knows impedes your ability to fight.

[14:57] I just don't think his heart's in it, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] But your point is what –

[15:02] That dried up, crusty, thin, skeleton-y Ben Kingsley.

Dan McCoy

[15:06] Well, if Jake Gyllenhaal was fighting Ben Kingsley from Sexy Beast, we might be able to believe that –

Elliott Kalan

[15:12] There's something about Sexy Beast where Ben Kingsley is up against Ray Winstone who's a big fat punch.

[15:16] Like I believe that.

Dan McCoy

[15:18] You wouldn't say that to Ray Winstone.

Elliott Kalan

[15:19] I would not.

[15:20] You would beat the shit out of me.

[15:22] Yeah.

[15:23] But here it's hard to –

[15:24] But you'd probably say that to Ben Kingsley though.

[15:26] You'd probably.

[15:27] I wouldn't be afraid to tell Ben Kingsley to his face that he was a dried up skeleton of a man.

[15:32] Who could not take Jake Gyllenhaal in a fight.

[15:34] Yeah.

[15:34] He couldn't even hold his own against Natasha Henstridge.

[15:37] Come on.

[15:38] Well, she was an alien.

[15:39] That's true.

[15:39] She was a species.

[15:42] I like –

[15:43] What kind we don't know.

[15:43] I like it when people use the titles of movies to represent the main characters.

[15:47] Like Natasha Henstridge, when you were playing Species, I liked Species until she started killing people.

[15:52] That character was actually called Sil.

[15:54] Yes, yes.

[15:55] Species.

Stuart Wellington

[15:56] I feel like that nerdy kid on that show, Family Matters.

Elliott Kalan

[16:00] Yeah.

[16:00] You get called him Family Matters all the time.

[16:02] I love that Family Matters kid.

[16:04] Jaleel White, who of course played Family Matters on TV.

[16:08] Family Matters.

[16:11] So in the end, Jake Gyllenhaal learns a lesson about something.

[16:14] Going back in time.

[16:15] Going back in time.

[16:17] And he falls in love again with Gemma Scatherman.

[16:19] And they ride off into the dust.

[16:22] And it is revealed that some lives are linked through time.

Dan McCoy

[16:27] So one thing I need to say just off the bat is that this movie –

[16:31] Is that you loved the movie.

[16:33] I bought it on Blu-ray.

[16:35] Before the film was over, I was on Amazon.

[16:38] Before the film was released in theaters, you bought it.

Stuart Wellington

[16:41] Start popping some corn.

Dan McCoy

[16:43] Movie time.

[16:44] This movie found an all new way to end a movie on the it was all just a dream thing.

[16:52] Yeah.

[16:52] By the end of the movie, it's okay.

[16:55] Nothing actually that we saw happened.

Elliott Kalan

[16:57] Is there anything different between that and Back to the Future?

[17:00] I guess there is because the family is in a totally different situation at the end of it.

[17:04] Well, I mean like Back to the Future does not –

[17:06] And this has a lackluster sword fight.

[17:07] Yeah.

[17:08] Or Groundhog Day.

Dan McCoy

[17:09] Back to the Future does not literally undo everything that has happened in the film.

[17:14] Groundhog Day kind of does.

Stuart Wellington

[17:16] Yeah, but that movie is –

[17:17] But it's a great movie.

[17:18] That movie is hilarious.

[17:20] It is funny and touching.

[17:21] This movie is only pretty funny.

[17:23] This movie is merely gut-busting.

Dan McCoy

[17:26] Well, it is a –

[17:28] I know this is a controversial statement to say, but I don't think that Jake Gyllenhaal

[17:32] takes us through the character change that Bill Murray does in Groundhog Day.

[17:36] Okay.

[17:36] That is controversial, but we won't get into it right now.

Stuart Wellington

[17:39] I love after the climactic sword battle between an old man and Jake Gyllenhaal.

[17:47] Wait, which old man?

[17:49] Instead of killing –

[17:50] Between William Hickey.

[17:52] Instead of killing Ben Kingsley, who has revealed himself as a traitor, there's an entire army

[17:57] that's loyal to Jake Gyllenhaal surrounding him.

[18:00] He then jumps up with a dagger only to be stabbed to death by the other prince.

[18:05] By the king.

[18:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] So –

[18:07] Oh, no.

[18:07] Yeah, by the prince who took control when the king dies.

[18:10] The older brother.

Stuart Wellington

[18:11] So they realize the only way they could stop this guy, this old man, is by killing him.

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] When really, you could just stop him by not listening to him.

[18:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:20] You could, I don't know, step ten more feet away and he'd tire himself out.

Elliott Kalan

[18:26] So they – when he gets killed, he looks like he's having a heart attack anyway.

Dan McCoy

[18:30] Well, if you must use violence, just, you know, just pop him one in the stomach first, maybe,

[18:34] before going into the stabbing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:36] Just push him over.

[18:37] Yeah.

[18:37] It'll break his hip.

[18:39] Oh, so – okay, so on a –

[18:40] So you would prefer a slow death.

[18:42] Yes.

[18:43] He was a bad guy.

[18:44] Come on.

[18:44] So on a scale from pulse pounding to –

[18:49] Okay.

[18:49] Where's the other one?

[18:50] It's the low end.

[18:51] From pulse pounding to couldn't catch my breath.

[18:53] It was so exciting.

[18:54] Sure.

[18:55] Where does this movie stand?

Dan McCoy

[18:57] Well, I think –

[18:58] Elliot, you were here while I was watching the movie and I got distracted by the fact that

[19:02] I own a yardstick.

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] Dan literally got up, saw that he had a yardstick lying on the ground and went, oh, yardstick,

[19:08] huh?

[19:09] And so that's how – this movie is less exciting than a piece of wood that is meant to measure

[19:15] three feet.

Stuart Wellington

[19:16] And most likely has been in this apartment for some time.

[19:19] Yeah.

[19:19] I don't – it's not a New York state, is it?

[19:21] No.

[19:21] Now, the thing I was sad about, though, is, you know, listeners, you don't know this,

[19:26] but Dan has this lovely couch, okay?

[19:28] But I could only appreciate the edge of it tonight.

[19:32] Oh, wow.

[19:32] Because I was literally –

[19:34] Well done.

Elliott Kalan

[19:34] Because you were literally getting up constantly out of boredom.

[19:37] Oh, man.

[19:39] This is a dull movie.

Stuart Wellington

[19:40] What's that yardstick doing?

[19:42] Is it upside down yet?

Elliott Kalan

[19:43] So we've described a movie that has a lot of acrobatic stunts, an ostrich race, assassins

[19:50] with flying blades.

[19:51] Alfred Molina.

[19:52] Alfred Molina at his broadest, a magic time-traveling dagger, and Ben Kingsley being an old man in

[19:58] a fight with Jake Gyllenhaal.

[20:00] And it is super dull.

[20:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:03] There's a lot of explanation.

[20:06] There's a lot of characters.

[20:07] If you like things being explained.

Elliott Kalan

[20:08] If you like things being explained and barely audible dialogue over loud music and things

[20:13] falling down.

[20:13] If you like sepia-toned CGI, then this is the film for you.

[20:17] Everything looks so – like the fact that movies of this type were made in the 30s that

[20:22] looked less fake and less artificial than this did.

[20:25] And also had beautiful cinematography.

[20:27] Yes, and looked gorgeous.

Stuart Wellington

[20:29] If you like sandstorm effects that look like somebody just smudged the negative a little

[20:33] bit, this is for you.

[20:35] I guess what I'm saying.

[20:36] And then I have ninjas jump on it.

Elliott Kalan

[20:37] If anyone is considering renting Prince of Persia, Sands of Time, why don't you just

[20:42] rent Thief of Baghdad?

[20:43] Just like go all the way and rent the Michael Korda Thief of Baghdad.

[20:47] And it's beautiful and there's a lot of fake Arabian architecture and stuff.

Dan McCoy

[20:52] Or even rent – what is it?

[20:56] Arabian Nights.

[20:57] Is that the other one?

[20:59] The same period?

[21:00] What's the –

Stuart Wellington

[21:01] 101 Erotic Nights?

[21:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:04] That's probably it.

[21:06] Yeah.

[21:06] Write that one.

[21:07] 101 Erotic Donations.

[21:08] I mean –

[21:09] Donations?

[21:11] Yeah.

[21:11] I thought you said donations.

[21:12] There will be less –

[21:14] 101 Erotic Donations.

[21:16] Our vibrator drive is doing great.

Dan McCoy

[21:19] There will be less scimitar fighting in it, but I guarantee you'll be more satisfied.

[21:24] It is a –

[21:25] It's a tagline, I think, actually.

[21:26] This is a movie full of sword fighting that is boring.

Elliott Kalan

[21:29] Yeah.

[21:30] And it's the same thing you see in a lot of movies where it's just bad – the fight choreography you can't really see.

[21:36] It's not shot well.

[21:36] Everything is dimly lit and sepia-toned.

Stuart Wellington

[21:38] It's two guys in the middle of a bunch of people that seem to be running in a circle.

[21:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:42] Well, here's another thing.

[21:43] This is the director, Mike Newell, best known –

[21:47] Newell.

[21:48] Probably for – he directed Four Weddings and a Funeral.

[21:52] He directed Donnie Brasco.

[21:54] Action.

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] Both good movies.

[21:56] Not known for their action.

[21:57] Not known for their action.

[21:58] It's like how with the Bond movies, they make the mistake of hiring Michael Apted to direct them when he is a brilliant documentarian, not the best action filmmaker.

[22:09] What you don't understand is they're going to check in on James Bond every seven years.

[22:15] I wish they would – actually, that would be an amazing series.

[22:18] I'd love to see a movie series secret agent right at the beginning of his career, seven years later when he's the top of the game, seven years later when he's thinking about retiring, seven years after that desk job, and then just as he gets older and older and like bores his children with his tales of being a spy.

[22:35] Yeah.

[22:35] Much the same way that I wanted the third season –

[22:37] More of a Graham Greene sort of –

[22:39] Yeah.

[22:39] The same way I wanted the third season of Mad Men to jump forward to the 1970s when Don Draper is a fat middle-aged man with a big mustache that no one wants to sleep with.

[22:50] Yeah.

[22:50] People still want to sleep with him.

[22:51] Yeah, it was the 70s.

[22:52] It was the 70s.

Dan McCoy

[22:54] There'd be some key parties going on.

[22:56] Some – so I'm led to believe.

[23:00] Drugs.

[23:01] Yeah.

[23:01] I wasn't there.

[23:03] Suburban malaise.

[23:05] Yep.

[23:05] Oh, man.

[23:06] Shag carpeting.

[23:07] Bring it back to Shag.

[23:08] So –

Elliott Kalan

[23:08] It goes back to Shag.

[23:09] Don't bring it back to Shag.

[23:10] Don't do that.

[23:11] Shut it down.

[23:12] So, yeah.

[23:12] This movie wasn't very good, huh?

[23:14] Not – it was pretty bland and –

[23:16] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[23:17] Sorry, Stuart.

[23:18] In the middle – you were talking and you were scratching your belly at the same time, which caused me to notice your shirt, which says Flamingo Fest 2002.

[23:29] Special wedding edition.

[23:30] Yeah.

[23:31] I just want to point that out.

Elliott Kalan

[23:32] Sorry.

[23:32] So you went to some sort of cross-dressing drag wedding event?

[23:37] No.

Stuart Wellington

[23:38] I know somebody who did.

[23:40] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] That's a teaser, audience.

[23:44] T-shirt teaser.

[23:46] Another Stuart Wellington t-shirt teaser.

[23:48] Rah-rah!

[23:49] Housecat!

Dan McCoy

[23:50] Classic t-shirt tease from the housecat and Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[23:54] Housecat brought to you by Housecat Industries.

[23:56] So, yeah.

[23:57] This is a – it's a movie that is just like – it just sits there.

[24:00] It's there doing stuff while you lose interest.

[24:04] Like, it's not bad enough to really –

[24:06] While we wander away.

[24:07] It's not bad enough to get – it's like – I liked this more than Last Airbender.

[24:11] I'll give it that.

Stuart Wellington

[24:11] Yeah.

[24:11] I think that's the – that movie immediately comes to mind, you know, in the dark of the night when I'm alone.

[24:19] But they're both kind of similar.

[24:21] They're both –

Dan McCoy

[24:21] And you remember the last Airbender and you say, no, not in this world.

Stuart Wellington

[24:24] They're both like slow, boring fantasy fest that spend the whole time trying to tell me about why I should care about everything.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:32] Instead of making you care about it by being exciting and having good characters.

[24:36] And having stuff happen.

[24:38] Like the most charismatic character in the whole thing is probably Alfred Molina's pet ostrich.

[24:43] Yeah.

[24:43] Who just shows up for like a couple minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[24:46] There were – I mean the ostriches were the most exciting thing, yeah.

[24:49] Yeah.

[24:49] I was wondering if they were going to peck somebody's face.

Elliott Kalan

[24:52] There's a scene where Jake Gyllenhaal – an ostrich race starts and Jake Gyllenhaal is standing right in the middle of the track and you're like, uh-oh, is he going to have to outrun these ostriches?

[25:00] Nope.

[25:00] He just gets pulled aside and he's safe.

[25:03] It's really like, okay, you almost had something.

[25:06] But forget about it.

[25:07] I'd have watched that.

Stuart Wellington

[25:08] I'd have watched an hour and a half of that.

Elliott Kalan

[25:11] Jake Gyllenhaal just being chased by an ostrich.

[25:12] You wish this –

[25:13] Probably would have been better.

[25:14] You wish this movie was just called Prince of Persia, A Day at the Ostrich Races.

[25:17] You wish it was called Guy Gets Chased by Ostrich and it was on YouTube.

Dan McCoy

[25:22] And it was an hour and a half long.

Elliott Kalan

[25:26] I wouldn't make that happen to a lot of parts.

Stuart Wellington

[25:27] Yeah, I wouldn't let them think they'd let you upload that.

Elliott Kalan

[25:29] I will say this movie, one of its triumphs is that it is less than two hours long.

[25:35] Barely.

[25:35] Well, I mean without credits, it's like an hour and 49 minutes.

[25:38] I'm sure they were tempted.

[25:40] That's the thing.

[25:41] They could have easily have released this as like a two-hour, 20-minute bloated crap fest that just sits there and they know they're going to get a certain amount of money and that's it.

[25:50] This is a Bruckheimer film too.

Dan McCoy

[25:53] I got a – let me pull something out here.

[25:55] From the Dutch Bruckheimer family.

[25:58] Jerry Bruckheimer was never actually a good producer.

[26:03] But back in the day, he knew how to make movies that moved along and were entertaining in their stupidity.

[26:09] And now it's just gotten so bloated and dull, all of these things I feel like.

[26:15] What do you think about that, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[26:16] He's probably too busy swimming in his money bin to pay attention to the movies he's putting out nowadays.

[26:21] I think you have him confused with a cartoon duck.

[26:24] Swimming through it like a dolphin.

Dan McCoy

[26:26] Burring through it like a gopher.

[26:28] Tossing it up and letting it hit him on his head.

Elliott Kalan

[26:30] Yeah, he's probably got these Beagle Boys characters to worry about.

[26:33] I don't care how much you like money.

[26:35] Coins hitting you on the head does not feel good.

Dan McCoy

[26:38] Well, also that – you have to assume that that money has been in circulation for a while.

[26:42] Oh, sure.

[26:43] There's so much disease in that money bin.

[26:45] Well, I mean ducks are dirty animals.

Stuart Wellington

[26:47] It's true.

Elliott Kalan

[26:49] They're swimming with disease.

Dan McCoy

[26:50] Yeah, I mean they're feeding from the muck at the bottom of the pond.

Elliott Kalan

[26:54] What you don't know is that the Beagle Boys were hired to steal that money by the sanitation department.

[26:58] It was a public health problem.

[27:00] Just clean it, please.

[27:01] Just get rid of it.

[27:03] We've heard so many complaints of the stench and the germs.

Dan McCoy

[27:07] There's rats coming – like that whole bottom layer of the money bin is just rats.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] Oh, it's just rat bones.

[27:12] Rat bones and just servants of Scrooge McDuck who have fallen in and been forgotten about.

[27:18] Or pushed in.

[27:19] Imagine –

[27:20] We haven't seen Gyro Gear Luce in months.

[27:22] If I wanted to kill Scrooge McDuck, what I would do is I would wait until he's swimming in the money vault.

[27:29] Just dump more money on top of him and just close the door.

[27:33] No one can hear his screams from outside.

[27:35] In a –

[27:36] And then Donald inherits –

[27:38] And then Donald inherits –

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] I'm a large accent so much.

[27:39] And then, yeah.

[27:41] Donald inherits the money.

[27:42] Huey, Dewey, and Louie are set for life.

[27:44] You've got to bump them off.

Stuart Wellington

[27:46] I mean for a time.

Elliott Kalan

[27:47] I mean they'll probably spend it all on crackers and stickers and shit.

[27:50] Well, the other thing is that you've got to invest that money because the money itself is depreciating in value as we speak.

[27:57] Well, not the –

[27:57] It's gold though.

[27:57] Not the gold.

[27:58] I mean he does have like a lot of golden rubies in this economy.

[28:01] He overpaid for those.

[28:02] Those are vintage gold coins.

[28:04] He paid way more than market value for those.

[28:07] He's – Scrooge McDuck is just watching Glenn Beck, seeing those commercials for gold companies.

[28:12] Sure.

[28:12] He's calling in to hedge against the apocalypse, wasting his money.

Stuart Wellington

[28:16] I mean it's probably for the best that Gyro Gear Loose would get buried in there though because he was always fucking making inventions that were going to kill him.

[28:22] Yeah, that were terrible.

[28:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:25] This has been a real expose on Duckburg.

Elliott Kalan

[28:28] No, just on Scrooge McDuck.

Dan McCoy

[28:29] Duckburg is a lovely town.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] I mean New York is the greatest city in the world.

[28:33] It's still got criminals and crazy people in it.

Dan McCoy

[28:35] Yeah, at least Duckburg.

[28:37] I mean like criminals there are always – they're wearing costumes.

[28:40] They're dressed as criminals.

[28:42] There were their prison numbers on them so you can tell.

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] I'd be more unhappy about Duckburg's rampant anti-Semitism laws.

[28:50] Jewish ducks not allowed to live in Duckburg.

[28:52] Certainly ducks of color not allowed to live there.

[28:55] I did not know.

[28:56] Terrible.

[28:57] Makes me sick.

[28:59] So Prince of Prudence.

[29:03] What else?

[29:04] Snints of Smirja.

[29:06] Great.

[29:07] Classic.

[29:08] Good stuff.

[29:09] Not even words that sound like words.

[29:10] Those are just made up sounds.

[29:13] That's become such a fallback for us is just changing the letters in a word slightly.

[29:18] I'm glad other people enjoy that, by which I mean you too, with me, because I don't think the listeners do.

[29:24] We could just have a club.

Dan McCoy

[29:25] We could just have a club that did that.

[29:26] We could stop doing the podcast and inflicting this on other people.

[29:29] We could just hang around changing the letters in words.

Elliott Kalan

[29:32] We owe it to America.

[29:33] Probably take less time.

[29:35] We wouldn't have to watch the movie.

[29:36] Yeah.

[29:37] Here's my –

[29:38] We wouldn't have to pay for bandwidth.

[29:39] Here are my top – well, only you do that.

Elliott Kalan

[29:42] He just pays for Popeyes.

[29:43] That's why they call me Scrooge McDuck.

[29:44] And I would do that gladly.

Dan McCoy

[29:47] Because I pay for stuff.

[29:48] Well, he does pay for stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[29:49] Yeah, you are a lot like – you're kind of like the Cyclops Scrooge McDuck in this game.

[29:54] You'd be like the Wolverine Scrooge McDuck.

[29:58] I'll be – I don't know.

[30:00] Professor X Scrooge McDuck.

[30:02] I don't understand.

[30:04] At that point, this classification.

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] I don't understand why –

[30:07] The Scrooge McDuck label is –

[30:08] The Scrooge McDuck label is meaningless.

[30:12] Although it means Flophouse fan art time.

[30:14] Any Flophouse fan who wants to draw us a picture of the Scrooge McDuck X-Men, please go ahead and do so.

[30:21] We'll put it on the wall.

Dan McCoy

[30:21] Be aware that you probably will be sued by Disney.

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] And Marvel.

[30:25] And Disney, which owns Marvel.

[30:27] Yeah.

[30:28] Actually, the fact that Disney owns Marvel now opens the door to a lot of great crossovers like that.

[30:33] Sure.

[30:34] Wow.

[30:35] The Duckman.

[30:36] Let's just pitch that.

[30:37] X-Ducks.

[30:38] Yeah, X-Ducks.

[30:39] Sure.

[30:40] X-Ducks.

[30:41] That horse.

[30:42] And then the sex ducks.

[30:43] Could be something.

[30:43] The porno spin on.

[30:44] That horse.

[30:45] You know, that horse is in the Mickey Mouse cartoons.

Dan McCoy

[30:47] Yeah, I used to know that.

[30:49] Horace?

[30:49] Is that his name?

[30:50] Yeah, Horace the horse.

[30:51] And then there's Clarabelle the cow.

[30:52] Clarabelle the clow.

[30:53] Goofy the thing.

[30:55] The dog creature.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] Okay.

[30:58] Prince of Persia.

[30:58] I like Pete.

[30:59] Anyone?

[30:59] That's not an animal.

[31:01] He's a Pete.

[31:02] What kind of animal is he?

[31:03] Oh, he's a Pete.

[31:05] Here's the problems with Prince of Persia.

[31:07] And I'll just list them.

[31:09] You're going to lay him on the line.

[31:10] Uninspired plot.

[31:11] Okay.

[31:13] Characters don't come to life.

[31:15] Two, the color is too monotone.

[31:18] It's all this kind of sandy gold color.

[31:20] The same color that has destroyed the modern Western to a certain extent that they think everything has to look sepia and browns and golds.

[31:29] Confusingly shot.

[31:30] There's too much going on on the screen a lot of the time.

[31:33] And it doesn't look pretty.

[31:34] This is –

[31:35] A bunch of dust clouds.

[31:36] You're dealing with kind of Western stereotypes of ancient Persia, which is the most – one of the most beautiful fictional time periods in history.

[31:44] Is this kind of ancient Persia Near East Orient of like harems and open-air plazas and long-flowing outfits and gold everywhere and cut-out wood ornaments.

[31:58] Like you see a lot of paintings from the turn of the 20th century that are fantasy visuals of this type of thing and they're gorgeous.

[32:06] And this movie just can't make those elements look good.

[32:10] Expensive.

[32:11] I guess.

[32:12] That's it.

[32:13] But it looks –

[32:14] Expensive.

[32:14] I mean the movie looks expensive and cheap at the same time.

Dan McCoy

[32:16] This was a tentpole movie.

[32:17] This was supposed to be a big summer blockbuster.

[32:19] Yeah, not enough tentpoles.

Elliott Kalan

[32:20] That's the other thing.

[32:21] There's only one scene where they're in a tent.

[32:23] Yeah.

[32:23] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] They should be –

[32:25] And most of that's about telling the legend of the sand people or whatever.

[32:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:30] If only there was some sand – if only a Tusken Raider showed up riding a bantha.

Stuart Wellington

[32:35] Ah, banthas.

Elliott Kalan

[32:37] So –

[32:37] How many times did I wish they would come over a dune and see Obi-Wan saving Luke and then go home –

[32:43] Starting Star Wars.

[32:44] Or like Boba Fett crawling out of the Sarlacc pit.

[32:47] Yeah.

[32:47] I'll chew that.

Dan McCoy

[32:48] Oh, man.

[32:50] Oh, that was a long nap.

Elliott Kalan

[32:52] Have I got a headache.

[32:55] Yowza.

[32:56] Sure.

[32:56] Great.

[32:58] Now I want a talking Boba Fett doll that says Yowza when you press the button.

[33:03] Yowza.

[33:05] Yeah.

[33:05] Boba Fett on a date.

Stuart Wellington

[33:09] So what do we do now, guys?

Dan McCoy

[33:12] I think it's –

Elliott Kalan

[33:13] I mean, this is uncharted territory.

Dan McCoy

[33:15] I think we've exhausted ourselves.

[33:18] Not the movie, but ourselves.

[33:20] And we should probably just skip ahead to final judgments on this.

[33:22] Whether this was a good, bad movie.

[33:24] A bad, bad movie.

[33:26] Or a movie we actually liked in some way.

[33:29] Stuart, you look pensive.

[33:31] What do you have to say about this?

Stuart Wellington

[33:34] I didn't like this movie and it was long and boring and there was way too many scenes of just telling legends and other bullshit that I didn't care about.

[33:45] But I did like any scene where Ben Kingsley got to do physical stuff.

Dan McCoy

[33:50] Like when he climbed faster than Jake Gyllenhaal.

Stuart Wellington

[33:53] They fought him with two swords at one time.

[33:56] It was radical.

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] There should be more movies where old men outfight and outclimb and out-athletic young men.

Dan McCoy

[34:04] There were three things I liked about this movie.

[34:08] Alfred Molina, ostriches, and occasionally the lead lady was a little cleavagey.

[34:15] And that's about all I can say.

[34:16] Very occasionally.

[34:18] Not frequently.

Elliott Kalan

[34:19] Alfred Molina is very much the Johnny Depp of this movie.

[34:22] Like he's supposed to be the –

[34:24] Hilarious.

[34:24] The –

[34:25] Yeah.

[34:25] Riveting.

[34:26] Just like the lovable rogue funny Jack Sparrow character.

[34:29] But there's not a lot of him.

[34:30] He's really only in a couple scenes.

[34:32] And he disappears for a long –

[34:34] You expect when they first meet him that he's going to join up in their ragtag band for justice.

[34:38] But then he disappears for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[34:41] And he looks like Terry Jones from Life of Brian.

Elliott Kalan

[34:44] Yeah.

[34:44] He does –

[34:45] As Dan pointed out, he does seem to look like he's playing Terry Jones playing Brian's mother.

[34:51] Brian.

[34:52] That's my Terry Jones.

[34:54] He runs in the same way.

[34:55] He runs like a man playing a fat middle-aged woman.

[34:59] Is that how –

Dan McCoy

[35:00] I mean maybe that's the way you have to run when you're wearing one of those robes.

[35:03] I guess so.

Stuart Wellington

[35:05] We should do a test.

[35:07] Do a Mythbusters over here.

[35:08] You know what?

[35:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:09] Dan, get your middle –

[35:10] Your middle –

[35:10] Your Arabian robe.

[35:11] Okay.

[35:12] Let's see.

Dan McCoy

[35:13] We'll do –

[35:14] We'll film that video and slap it up on the site.

Stuart Wellington

[35:17] It's like they –

[35:17] It was like –

[35:18] Okay.

[35:18] So I just summarized.

[35:21] Well, it's like –

[35:21] I summarized the –

[35:22] I summarized what my rating was.

[35:24] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[35:25] No, I think we both agreed though that it was bad.

[35:27] Yeah, it was a bad, boring movie.

[35:28] It was not –

[35:28] We've seen worse movies, but it was almost more boring because it was not bad enough.

[35:32] Like it was just dull.

[35:33] Yeah.

[35:34] But I was going to say –

[35:35] For me, this was in the first tier of boringness.

[35:37] No.

[35:37] Oh, I think I've seen more boring than this.

[35:39] Yeah.

[35:40] Alfred –

[35:40] Well, I definitely have seen Slow Bullet for crying out loud.

[35:42] But Alfred Molina did look like he was running with a watermelon between his knees.

[35:48] Okay, Alfred.

[35:49] Let's see if you can play this role always carrying a watermelon between your knees.

Stuart Wellington

[35:53] I like to think that that was his choice.

[35:56] He was trying to –

Elliott Kalan

[35:57] That's how he got into character.

[36:00] The backstory that he didn't –

[36:02] Because a lot of actors like to create backstory that they don't necessarily tell anyone.

[36:05] Oh, really?

[36:05] And his backstory for this character was that he had stolen a watermelon and didn't want anyone to know about it.

Stuart Wellington

[36:12] Well, when he was a little boy, he stole a watermelon and that saved him from the evil gypsies.

[36:19] So the only – so that was his like lucky charm.

[36:21] Yeah.

[36:22] Was this old –

[36:23] Now it's a pet watermelon.

[36:25] It's rotting.

Dan McCoy

[36:28] People think he smells.

[36:29] It's just the watermelon.

[36:30] Yeah.

[36:30] He can't tell them.

[36:32] He wants to.

[36:33] But he can't.

[36:34] It's his crust to bear.

[36:36] To his knife.

[36:36] His crust to bear.

[36:40] His delicious crust.

[36:41] On a bear.

[36:42] Oh.

[36:43] Bear crust.

[36:44] I have to –

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Cut the crust off my bear, please.

[36:48] I don't like the crust.

Dan McCoy

[36:50] That's total nonsense at this point.

[36:53] Okay.

[36:54] So I've got some letters here from listeners.

[36:57] Letters.

[36:57] Yay.

Elliott Kalan

[36:58] We love getting letters.

[36:59] Everybody should write us some.

[37:01] Right, Daniel?

[37:02] Right, Stuart?

[37:03] Right.

[37:03] Absolutely.

[37:04] Right, Elliot?

[37:04] You betcha, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[37:05] You can write us at theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

[37:09] The longest –

[37:10] Conveniently.

[37:11] Long.

[37:12] Anyway.

[37:13] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[37:13] Why don't we just get like flophouse at gmail?

Dan McCoy

[37:16] I think it was –

[37:16] I think it was taken.

[37:17] I think that was the –

[37:18] Oh, man.

[37:19] I –

[37:19] This was not just my idiocy.

[37:21] I think there was a reason.

[37:22] No, I –

[37:22] You're not an idiot.

[37:23] Come on.

[37:24] Theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

[37:25] You're pretty funny.

[37:29] Thanks, guys.

[37:30] This is from just –

[37:31] You're good at setting stuff up and stuff.

[37:33] Yeah.

[37:33] Oh, God.

[37:34] It's just another way of calling me the Cyclops.

Elliott Kalan

[37:37] You're the Leonardo.

[37:38] Come on.

[37:38] You're very important.

[37:40] You leave.

[37:41] So this is –

[37:42] You allow the attention to be directed on the charismatic members of the group.

[37:45] I'm the Luke Skywalker is what you're saying.

[37:47] You're the Mark Wahlberg of this fire.

[37:48] You're more the Lobot.

[37:50] Wow.

[37:50] You're the power droid.

[37:55] You're the guy in Entourage who's not the famous actor and not Turtle or Johnny Drama.

[38:01] Wait.

[38:01] Are you saying he's the droid?

[38:03] Yeah, you're E.

Stuart Wellington

[38:04] Wait.

[38:04] He's the droid in Jabba's palace that gets turned upside down and has hot arms.

[38:10] Yeah.

[38:10] That's Dan all right.

[38:13] You're Yak Face.

Dan McCoy

[38:14] Is it real weird that Jabba has a torture chamber for droids?

Elliott Kalan

[38:18] It's weird that the droid can feel pain in his feet.

[38:20] Who programs a robot to feel pain?

Dan McCoy

[38:23] Well, also he said – like the other – the torturer droid says that he disintegrated him.

[38:27] He's like, that's not disintegrating.

[38:28] No.

[38:28] You're just putting heat on his feet.

[38:30] Feet heat.

[38:31] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[38:32] I don't understand why you'd put pain sensors on his feet, which is going to be on the ground

[38:36] the most likely to touch painful objects.

Stuart Wellington

[38:40] And it's like all sand and little pebbles.

Elliott Kalan

[38:42] It's going to hurt.

[38:44] Why would you build a robot that needs to wear shoes?

[38:47] It's like that garbage can robot that just says gunk and walks around.

[38:51] What does that do?

[38:52] What's the use?

Stuart Wellington

[38:53] Well, it says gunk because people get tired of sneaking up on him.

Elliott Kalan

[38:58] A lot of – hey, you know what?

[39:00] It's just you gunk.

[39:01] Can you just say gunk?

[39:03] Anyway, let's –

[39:05] Droid humor.

[39:06] I love it.

[39:07] I could do a tight five minutes on Star Wars droids.

[39:10] What's the deal with Forlom?

[39:12] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[39:13] I introduced the idea of letters five minutes ago.

[39:18] So this one's from –

[39:19] Space minutes.

[39:21] This one's from Justin, last name with Helen.

[39:23] This says –

[39:24] Big family.

[39:25] I'm writing because I've yet to hear any feedback on this year's Oscar nominations.

[39:29] Oh, yeah.

[39:30] That's right.

[39:30] In previous years, you've offered entertaining insight and general condemnation toward the process.

[39:35] So I wonder what's different about this year's awards that would set it apart from years previous.

[39:39] Was it the nominations were all justly deserving films and there's a distinct paradigm shift within the film industry towards a selfless introspective ceremony that isn't the self-aggrandizing and shallow spectacle that we've all become accustomed to?

[39:50] Probably not.

[39:51] There's something about this year that sets others apart and that is the host, Anne Hathaway.

[39:56] If ever there was a more disappointing sign of favoritism in the realm of comedy criticism, I would like to know because I certainly cannot think of any.

[40:03] Elliot was unafraid to tear apart the Oscars even when his own employer was hosting.

[40:07] Yet this year, they get a pass.

[40:08] Yeah.

[40:09] What's up with that?

[40:10] I understand the bonds of childhood friendship and loyalty run deep.

[40:12] Oh, yeah.

[40:13] But the integrity of this podcast has always been based on movie criticism that digresses into titles and words that sound the same as other words.

[40:20] I would hate to lose that.

Stuart Wellington

[40:22] Yeah.

[40:23] What's up with that, Elliot?

[40:24] If anything –

[40:25] You can't knock your best buddy.

[40:26] This feels like a –

[40:27] I know you made a BFF truce or what did you do?

[40:30] Yeah, well, we're blood brothers.

[40:31] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[40:32] Blood brother sisters.

[40:33] Okay.

[40:36] Do you – I feel – I felt I didn't have any like real feelings about the nominations this year.

[40:40] Yeah, I'm genuinely like not – like I wouldn't say that I'm like, oh, this is great, but I'm also – there's nothing that upsets me this year.

[40:46] I don't like that Amy Adams was nominated for Best Supporting Actress.

[40:49] I thought she did a bad job.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] But –

[40:52] I didn't think she did a bad job like you did, but I didn't think she was like the greatest.

[40:57] But yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] But in terms of like most of the nominees are really good, I was really glad that like John Hawks was nominated.

[41:03] I was really glad that Winter's Bone got recognized for a bunch of stuffs.

[41:08] Like the – almost all – I can't really think of any Best Picture nominees that I'm upset was nominated except I feel The Kids Are All Right was a major disappointment and I didn't like that movie that much.

Dan McCoy

[41:17] But –

[41:18] Yeah, but like that was – like it was basically – that's a movie that's a disappointment just by being overhyped.

[41:23] That's the thing.

[41:23] It touched –

[41:24] You know, it's like a solid dramedy, but it's not much beyond that.

[41:28] Like a two-and-a-half star movie.

Elliott Kalan

[41:30] Yeah.

[41:30] But like I didn't like it, but it obviously touched a chord with a lot of older people.

[41:34] Like people older than us.

[41:35] Wow.

[41:36] Well, I think people in their –

[41:37] Salting the elderly.

[41:38] Well, that's the thing.

[41:38] Yeah.

[41:38] People in their like 50s and 60s or 40s –

[41:41] Ben Kingsby.

[41:42] I'm not insulting them, but I'm saying –

[41:44] Ben Kingsby.

[41:44] There was something about that movie that really rang true for people in middle age.

[41:49] Bing Crosby.

[41:50] And it didn't for me.

[41:51] Bing Crosby.

[41:51] He's dead.

[41:52] He's not just old.

[41:53] He's over 100 years old I think.

[41:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:56] I just assume people heard that it was a movie where Julianne Moore and Annette Bening were lesbian – like part of a lesbian family and were like, that sounds hilarious and great.

Elliott Kalan

[42:06] Well, that's the thing is – I would say it would be a better movie if it was really about that.

[42:12] They're a lesbian family, but it's a movie about how lesbians occasionally fall in love and have sex with men, which is – I feel like is a fundamental misunderstanding of lesbian relationships for the most part.

[42:22] Well, I don't think that they were saying that they fell in love.

[42:25] It was like a weird –

[42:26] It was a fling, but like the idea that like I am devoted to my wife.

[42:31] I am a lesbian until Mark Ruffalo comes along.

[42:34] Hello.

Dan McCoy

[42:34] Well, obviously, yes, it would be better if it wasn't –

[42:43] If it wasn't Mark Ruffalo.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] If it was Dan.

[42:46] Well, I also –

[42:47] Is that what you're saying?

[42:48] Dan wants to have sex with Julianne Moore is what he's saying.

[42:50] Well, no, I think that a lesbian –

Dan McCoy

[42:53] She is kind of his type, right?

[42:54] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[42:55] Yeah, that's true.

[42:55] Very much so.

Dan McCoy

[42:56] I think a lesbian filmmaker though should be allowed to make a movie about lesbians where like part of the point is like the mutability of sexuality and like it doesn't really matter.

[43:07] Like G.I.J.

[43:07] So –

[43:08] Put that on it.

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] But I feel like that wasn't the message that the movie brought out.

[43:11] I feel if the movie had made a stronger point of that, I would have been more okay with it.

[43:16] But –

[43:16] Like Emmanuel in space?

[43:18] Emmanuel in space is all about the mutability.

[43:20] That made a great point.

[43:20] The mutability –

[43:21] Well, it made a great point which is that people in the future don't know what sex is and yet it powers their spaceships somehow.

Dan McCoy

[43:28] Emmanuel in space, by the way, on Netflix Instant Watch.

Elliott Kalan

[43:31] Which one?

[43:32] I mean that was a series.

[43:34] Anyway, the movies are all compilations of episodes.

[43:38] Anyhoo, but for the most part, this was a very good year for like solid Hollywood movies.

[43:44] Yeah.

[43:44] Stuff like The Fighter and The King's Speech.

[43:48] True Grit.

[43:49] Like these are – I don't think this was the greatest year in movie history but those were all solid movies and they got recognized with nominations.

[43:56] Toy Story 3 was really good.

[43:58] Black Swan I thought was great.

[43:59] Yeah, yeah.

[44:00] And you have some directors turning out some of their best work.

[44:03] Yeah.

[44:04] And people say like – yeah, I think so.

[44:06] And people say like, well, Christopher Nolan wasn't nominated for Inception but like there were ten Best Picture nominees and there's only five Best Director slots.

[44:16] Like half of those directors are going to get snubbed.

[44:19] And you needed to have a lot of people named – there's at least two nominees for Best Director named David, right?

Stuart Wellington

[44:28] Yeah.

[44:28] And I mean he made a movie about dream crime.

[44:31] He should be – I'm sure he's content with the millions and millions of dollars he made.

[44:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:37] Although he would have made more if it was called Dream Crime.

[44:41] Is that already copywritten?

[44:44] You've registered that with the Guild.

Elliott Kalan

[44:46] I think when the Oscar ceremony takes place and it's shitty, then I think we'll have more to say about it maybe.

Dan McCoy

[44:53] Oh, will we?

[44:54] Although that episode is always cursed.

[44:56] That always has like some sort of sound problem.

[44:57] It never airs.

[44:59] So this is letter number two.

[45:03] This is from John, last name with Helen.

[45:04] It says – it's titled Shoeless Elliot.

[45:08] And it says, what kind of candy-ass pink baby hamster feet does Elliot have that he got blisters from running five minutes indoors with no shoes on?

Elliott Kalan

[45:16] Not five minutes.

[45:17] I had to run through an entire airport.

Dan McCoy

[45:20] As Quint would say, you got city feet, Mr. Kalen.

[45:24] Also, click away at wordsoundlikeeachother.com.

[45:27] It's not a fan site but it's something.

[45:29] Yes, this fan registered wordsoundlikeeachother.com.

[45:34] So it now redirects to the Flophouse.

[45:36] Which is awesome.

[45:37] Yeah, it is awesome.

[45:39] But yeah, no, this is – the shoe thing.

[45:43] Now, this is something I didn't bring up.

[45:44] I didn't realize this caught fire.

[45:45] I did not bring this up in the last episode because unlike certain co-hosts, I don't like to say hurtful things to my friends.

[45:54] But I did.

[45:54] Oh, shit.

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] Wow.

[45:56] Was that directed towards Stuart or to me?

[45:58] Because we both say mean things about you.

[45:59] Oh, yeah, both of you.

Stuart Wellington

[46:01] But he was looking at me the whole time, right?

[46:04] But it did.

[46:04] Yeah, he was.

[46:04] Like I'm feeling really self-conscious already.

[46:06] Like he made me wait out in the cold before we taped.

[46:09] He didn't want me to sit on the whole part of his couch, just the edge.

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] That's why he only got to sit on the edge.

[46:15] He didn't want you to sit on the full couch.

[46:17] I don't want his butt on my couch.

Stuart Wellington

[46:19] You don't know where it's been.

Dan McCoy

[46:21] It's been in chairs.

[46:23] No, I did have the same thought.

[46:25] Soothing mud.

Elliott Kalan

[46:26] A saddle?

[46:27] When you were telling this story of your run.

[46:29] Here's what you should do if you want to judge me.

[46:31] Okay.

[46:32] Go to LaGuardia Airport.

[46:34] Okay.

[46:35] Okay.

[46:35] And run through the whole fucking thing with no shoes on.

[46:41] I guess like a goof?

[46:44] They love to see people.

[46:45] Yes.

[46:46] A desert test.

[46:47] I ran from the security area to the farthest gate that that airline had.

Stuart Wellington

[46:52] And he does not have the longest legs.

[46:55] No offense, my man.

Elliott Kalan

[46:56] It's okay.

[46:56] We're cool, right?

[46:57] We're cool?

Stuart Wellington

[46:59] Okay.

[46:59] We're cool.

[47:00] Yeah.

[47:00] Okay.

[47:00] Because he doesn't have super long legs.

[47:02] So that easily took up like, what, two hours?

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] No, it didn't.

[47:05] I was running for probably about 15, 20 minutes with no shoes on in an airport.

[47:12] Because the thing is that.

[47:13] Probably sweating a lot, right?

[47:14] Yeah.

[47:14] Okay.

[47:14] Wait.

[47:15] I was sweaty.

[47:15] I had to take my shirt off.

[47:16] I was so sweaty.

[47:17] Now, time does.

[47:18] My pants got caught on a nail.

[47:19] So those got torn off.

Dan McCoy

[47:20] Time does expand when you're running.

[47:21] You don't necessarily have a good sense of power.

[47:23] I was running for seven, eight hours.

[47:24] Did you look at your watch beforehand and look at your watch afterwards?

[47:29] You're right.

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] Because I was late for a plane, I had time to hit a stopwatch.

[47:34] I handed a flag to somebody and I said, run ahead.

[47:37] That you were running for 15 to 20 minutes.

[47:39] Maybe it was like 10 minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[47:41] I think it all goes back to the short legs thing, guys.

[47:44] Okay.

[47:45] I think normal size legs, it only takes like five minutes.

[47:50] What do you mean normal size legs?

[47:51] No offense.

[47:52] I said no offense.

Elliott Kalan

[47:53] I'm not a midget.

[47:54] No offense.

[47:55] Chill out.

[47:55] I'm like five, five, five, six.

Dan McCoy

[47:57] No offense fixes everything, Elliot.

[48:00] I forgot.

[48:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[48:01] It's like no takesies, backsies.

[48:03] Sure.

[48:04] I forgot the law of the playground.

[48:06] Don't get upset, but.

Elliott Kalan

[48:07] Yeah.

[48:07] Or I'm just saying.

[48:09] When someone gets you really mad and then they go, hey, calm down.

[48:12] Hey, cool it.

[48:13] Or, hey, pardon my French.

Dan McCoy

[48:16] That's another thing.

[48:19] No, it's the same thing, right?

Elliott Kalan

[48:20] So I think that what we're saying, Elliot, is we've entered you,

Dan McCoy

[48:24] in the New York Marathon.

[48:25] Okay, let's do this.

Elliott Kalan

[48:27] And we expect you to.

[48:28] The New York Marathon better be run shoeless and through an airport,

[48:30] and then I'll be ready for it.

Dan McCoy

[48:32] Okay.

[48:33] So, let's do it.

Elliott Kalan

[48:35] Let me just say, if that was a family circus cartoon, then the little dotted line of how

[48:40] far I ran would have had to be continued through multiple Sunday pages.

[48:45] And not me would be walking away with your shoes.

[48:47] Not me would be like, oh, man, this is too much.

[48:50] I got to go.

[48:50] And Ida No would have dropped dead.

[48:52] And be up there with Grandpa in heaven.

[48:56] Okay.

[48:57] We were talking today about, at work, about how we would cast the family circus movie.

[49:03] All I remember from it was Carrie Ann Moss as the mom.

Dan McCoy

[49:08] And then a bunch of children with that horrible swollen head disease.

[49:12] Vincent Gallo as the father?

[49:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] It was Robert Duvall as Grandpa's ghost.

[49:16] Okay.

[49:16] And I think Vern Troyer as not me.

[49:20] What about Ryan Gosling as the dad?

[49:23] I think we might have had Matt Damon as the dad.

[49:25] Ryan Gosling could work.

[49:27] I like Vincent Gallo as the dad.

[49:28] Vincent Gallo is a crazy man.

[49:33] But anyway, so that's the family circus movie.

Dan McCoy

[49:34] So this letter says.

[49:36] Fans of time.

[49:39] This letter says, hi.

[49:40] Hey.

[49:41] One of my fellow AV Club freelancers turned me on at the Flophouse about a year ago.

[49:47] Yes.

[49:47] And I became an instant addict.

[49:49] Two things.

[49:50] One, I'm often tempted just to skip the episodes featuring guest flopcasters.

[49:54] Sorry, they just don't compare to the real McCoy.

[49:57] Uh-oh.

[49:58] I mean, I don't know.

[50:00] I don't know why I'm saying the real McCoy.

[50:01] I'm the only one who's always here.

[50:03] Yeah.

[50:03] It's always real McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[50:05] So he doesn't listen to the episodes, right?

[50:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:07] So he doesn't know.

[50:09] And number two.

Stuart Wellington

[50:09] I haven't heard the uh-oh in a while.

[50:11] I know.

[50:11] I dropped it for you.

Dan McCoy

[50:12] Number two, I respectfully disagree with my colleague Steve Heisler about Dan's cartoon.

[50:17] I thought it was tops.

[50:18] Yeah.

[50:18] I agree.

[50:19] So this is the redemption from the Onion AV Club that I've been waiting for.

[50:23] Which cartoon?

[50:24] 9 AM meeting.

[50:25] Via one of their freelancers.

Elliott Kalan

[50:27] When Dan's cartoon 9 AM meeting was in the New York Television Club.

[50:31] New York Television Club.

[50:33] Something like that.

[50:34] It wasn't much of a festival.

[50:35] It's like the babysitters club.

[50:37] It was like when it was the New York Television Festival.

[50:40] I think the Onion gave it like a C.

[50:41] Like a teddy bear picnic.

[50:42] Yeah.

[50:42] And that's at least an A- cartoon.

Dan McCoy

[50:43] I mean the thing is they send out one person to see these things.

[50:49] If that doesn't hit with that one person, that's the score for forever.

[50:55] And Steve Heisler did not like it.

[50:57] And it was shattering.

[50:58] Because I love the Onion AV Club in general.

[51:01] I think they're a great publication with some trenchant.

[51:05] Good critical analysis usually.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] It was probably because you were sitting in the back of the theater during the screening like laughing really loudly.

[51:11] And like flicking cigarette butts at people.

Elliott Kalan

[51:13] Saying, isn't this great?

[51:14] Isn't this great?

[51:15] You're loving this.

Dan McCoy

[51:17] But no, I mean this is the redemption that I needed from the Onion AV.

[51:21] Like some freelancer, a non-full-time staffer telling me that they –

[51:26] Yeah, tear down the guy who liked your work.

[51:27] No, I appreciate it.

[51:29] I genuinely appreciate it.

[51:31] Some asshole thinks it's good.

Elliott Kalan

[51:33] What are you saying, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[51:35] I'm very excited.

[51:36] This was going to be your Red Dead Redemption.

[51:38] No, this is my Red Dead Redemption.

[51:41] And I won a fucking award for that at the New York TV Festival.

[51:46] So in your face, Steve Heisler.

[51:47] Yeah, you won for best cartoon.

[51:49] I won the animation.

[51:50] Yeah.

[51:52] So suck it.

[51:52] You earned it, dude.

[51:53] Why do you keep looking at my numbers?

[51:55] It's your Flamingo Fest 2002 teaser.

[51:59] He's drawing me high.

[51:59] I just – I'm interested in how –

[52:00] You haven't got all your award.

Elliott Kalan

[52:01] Dan is on bridge-burning mode right now.

[52:06] Mm-hmm.

[52:08] It's the run.

[52:08] If anyone from the AV Club would like to write about this podcast, please do.

[52:11] I'm glad we actually breezed through the kids are all right homosexuality thing.

[52:16] Because you know how Dan gets.

[52:17] Yeah.

[52:17] I know how Dan feels about others.

[52:19] I'm glad that we have a pocket of support over at the AV Club.

Dan McCoy

[52:23] I didn't realize that there were –

[52:25] Yeah, that's cool.

[52:25] That we're being passed between freelancers over there.

[52:29] Like a doobie in the SNL offices in the 70s.

[52:31] Like old prank phone call tapes.

[52:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:35] No offense, normal fans, but you're not as good as people that are in the business.

[52:41] Yeah.

[52:41] Bridgeburn.

Dan McCoy

[52:44] We need more media elites to sing our praises.

[52:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:48] Has anyone ever submitted a cartoon to The New Yorker where someone's setting fire to

[52:52] Beau and Jeff Bridges and he may say something about burning a couple bridges?

[52:58] I don't think they have truck in celebrity character.

[53:00] Nobody steal that idea.

[53:03] This is my ticket.

[53:04] All right.

[53:04] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[53:05] Push the top of the dagger and you can get your idea back.

[53:07] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[53:09] What did you call it, Stuart?

[53:10] The funny button?

[53:10] The funny button.

[53:11] You just tickle the funny button and you go back in time.

[53:13] It's awesome.

Dan McCoy

[53:14] All right.

[53:14] So now is the point where we quickly do a few recommendations of movies that we actually

[53:20] enjoyed that were not Prince of Persia.

[53:24] So, Stuart, do you have something that you enjoyed that you've seen?

Stuart Wellington

[53:28] Last night I watched Catfish, which is a documentary.

[53:35] And I don't actually want to talk too much about it.

[53:37] But I felt that it was an interesting and I guess kind of telling portrait of how people

[53:46] kind of interact with each other through Facebook and what Facebook and social networking sites

[53:52] have kind of done to human interaction, both by making it public and also by kind of alienating

[53:58] people from each other.

[53:59] So it's worth watching.

Dan McCoy

[54:02] So, all right, well, on that note, I'll talk about, I saw another documentary of this

[54:10] last year that got a lot of good press.

[54:14] Slower.

[54:16] Slower and more drawn out.

[54:17] That was Joan Rivers' piece of work, which I enjoyed.

[54:21] Speaking of the Oscars, my main association with Joan Rivers has been her being a horrible

[54:27] person on the red carpet.

[54:30] And that was all I thought of her.

[54:32] And I was perfectly fine thinking of her as being terrible.

[54:36] And then I saw this documentary that humanized her.

[54:40] And it was very interesting.

[54:42] And it was an interesting portrait of a comedian who's still at work as someone who knows a lot

[54:49] of stand-up but doesn't really do stand-up himself.

[54:52] It was interesting on that level, too.

[54:55] And I liked it a lot.

[54:56] So on Netflix, Washington.

Elliott Kalan

[54:58] Speaking of Joan Rivers, I'd like to thank the We Network for ruining a broadcast of The

[55:05] Cutting Edge, which I was watching with my wife.

[55:08] With D.B.

[55:08] Sweeney?

[55:09] With D.B.

[55:10] Sweeney.

[55:10] This must have been for Valentine's Day.

[55:13] No, it was before Valentine's Day.

[55:14] Every ten seconds or so, a tiny animated Joan Rivers would pop up in the bottom of the screen

[55:19] to tell you her show was going to be on on Tuesday, which was three or four days after

[55:25] this aired.

[55:26] And a tiny Melissa Rivers would then pull her off the screen.

[55:29] This happened constantly.

[55:31] So it was impossible not to be reminded of Joan Rivers' existence, even while watching

[55:35] the Cutting Edge movie she has nothing to do with.

[55:37] And I will recommend not a documentary.

[55:40] In fact, the exact opposite.

[55:42] The Cutting Edge!

[55:43] The Cutting Edge with D.B.

[55:44] Sweeney.

[55:45] Perhaps I'm going to recommend one of the most historically inaccurate movies I can recommend,

[55:50] but a very fun one called The Return of Frank James, which is the sequel to the movie Jesse

[55:57] James.

[55:57] Jesse James came out in the late 30s.

[55:59] The Return of Frank James is from 1940, but it's in color, so don't worry.

[56:02] It's Fritz Lang's first color movie, and I think his first Western as a director.

[56:07] And Henry Fonda returns as Frank James to get revenge on the men who killed his brother

[56:12] Jesse James in the first movie.

[56:13] Don't have to watch the first movie.

[56:15] I like this one more than the first movie.

[56:17] Just skip Jesse James and go straight to The Return of Frank James, which is this great,

[56:23] fast-moving Western that is totally inaccurate and also has a courtroom scene where every character

[56:31] gets up and talks about how great the South was in the Civil War, and it is ridiculously

[56:35] incorrect.

[56:36] Everything this – they're like – but the characters are so goofy that it's okay, even

[56:43] for someone like me whose heart still burns with the union cause.

Dan McCoy

[56:48] I think he's saying that we're racists.

Elliott Kalan

[56:51] Yeah, basically.

[56:51] I thought he was the racist one.

[56:53] No, no.

[56:53] I'm the non-racist.

[56:54] Dan's the racist.

[56:55] I get my –

[56:56] Why are all the negative stereotypes?

[57:00] He has hooks for hands.

[57:01] You're also the leader.

[57:03] You're the horrible leader.

[57:05] But Henry Fonda in The Return of Frank James, it's really good.

Stuart Wellington

[57:10] So I don't need to see the first one.

[57:11] Don't go see Jesse James.

[57:12] So it's like the Matrix movies like that.

Dan McCoy

[57:15] I guess so.

[57:16] Do I need to see –

[57:17] It's like the Rambo movies.

[57:19] Do I need to see Jesse James meets a Brooklyn Gorilla before this?

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] That's – you're thinking of Bela Lugosi meets a Brooklyn Gorilla.

[57:26] Wait, wait.

Dan McCoy

[57:26] Jesse James versus Frankenstein's daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[57:28] Jesse James meets Frankenstein's daughter.

[57:30] You don't need to watch it though.

[57:32] Or Billy the Kid versus Dracula.

[57:33] Okay.

[57:34] Don't need to watch that either.

[57:35] In fact, never watch those because they're really boring.

[57:39] But Robot Monster though.

[57:41] Also boring.

[57:42] That's a good one.

[57:43] Don't watch that.

[57:44] Don't watch Bela Lugosi meets a Brooklyn Gorilla.

[57:46] Don't watch Reptosilus.

[57:48] Don't watch The Snake Men.

[57:50] What about Rat Finkaboo Boo?

[57:51] Actually, watch Rat Finkaboo Boo because it's crazy.

[57:54] Okay.

[57:54] And it has – Rat Finkaboo Boo is the low-budget movie whose title was created by a typo

[58:00] and has a long scene where someone is following a sexy woman while she's walking

[58:07] and you just keep seeing shots of her ass walking away from you and you start – it goes from

[58:13] that's a hot woman.

[58:14] I like watching this too.

[58:15] I feel really weird watching this.

[58:17] Like I feel like a creep.

Dan McCoy

[58:18] All right.

[58:19] So Elliot's recommendation was The Incredibly Strange Creatures.

[58:22] No.

[58:23] That's not even the right Ray Dennis Deckler movie to watch.

[58:26] My recommendation is The Return of Frank James.

[58:28] Okay.

[58:29] So guys, we've had a good time despite watching Prince of Persia Sands of Time.

Elliott Kalan

[58:34] You know what?

[58:35] Because friendship can bring us through any – et cetera.

[58:37] That's the moral.

[58:38] Even when friends are mean to each other, say hurtful things.

[58:42] We can apologize and make up because there's a friendship and a love there.

[58:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:47] We're going to sing a song of friendship after we get off but right now –

Elliott Kalan

[58:50] Well, right now I'll sing the Flophouse ending song if you want.

[58:53] Okay.

[58:54] Had some laughs.

[58:55] Had some time.

[58:57] Film for all.

[58:58] And then a rhyme.

[59:00] Rrrowrow.

[59:02] Flophouse.

[59:03] Flophouse.

[59:04] Flophouse.

[59:05] Tuna.

[59:08] Thanks, everyone.

[59:08] I've been Dan McCoy.

[59:09] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[59:11] I, unfortunately, am still Elliot Kalen.

[59:13] Good night.

Dan McCoy

[59:22] I'm just letting us settle in.

[59:23] Okay.

[59:24] Chill out.

[59:25] Chill out.

Stuart Wellington

[59:25] Drinking some apple juice or something.

[59:28] Rum.

Elliott Kalan

[59:30] Rum DMC.

[59:32] That's good stuff.

[59:33] Keep it going.

[59:34] Did I imagine you should set hilarity to awesome on that?

[59:38] Sure.

[59:39] Put that in your packet.

The Flop House: Episode #75 - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

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