The Flop House: Episode #75 - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

[0:00] Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Flophouse hosts wasting their lives.

[0:06] We discuss Prince of Persia, the Sands of Time.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:40] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:41] I am Elliot Kalin. Just kidding, not a robot.

[0:44] We all decided to do weird voices for some reason.

[0:47] Well, last time we had such luck with made up voices.

[0:50] Yeah.

[0:51] What?

[0:52] Never.

[0:53] No, wait, we were making, we did a bunch of stupid voices.

[0:55] We were pretending to do.

[0:56] No, we just said things in stupid ways. We didn't really do voices right.

[0:59] No, I was doing voice, I was doing my Garry Marshall impression, which was a couple of different types of voices.

[1:03] That was spot on, right?

[1:04] Yeah.

[1:05] Afterwards, I listened to the podcast and I had Garry Marshall say the same things.

[1:10] Wait, Stuart, I'm a little worried that you have Garry Marshall chained up in your closet.

[1:15] No, you mean mini Marshall, the tiny Garry Marshall that lives in your pocket.

[1:20] I want him to make very small movies for me, but I want them to be tightly packed with characters and jokes.

[1:28] Tiny L.A.

[1:29] Tiny L.A.

[1:31] Oh, geez.

[1:34] Let's not rest on our laurels, though.

[1:37] Let's not just rest on our-

[1:38] Can we rest on our hardies?

[1:40] I don't-

[1:41] Get it? Laurel and hardies?

[1:43] Oh, I thought we were talking about the hardies chain of restaurants.

[1:46] I'd love to rest there, too.

[1:48] Let's not rest on our Carl's Jr. guys.

[1:50] Anything so we don't have to talk about the movie tonight.

[1:52] What movie?

[1:53] The movie was called Prince of Persia Colon.

[1:56] Colon.

[1:57] The Sands of Time.

[1:59] To differentiate it from all the other Prince of Persia-

[2:02] The successful Prince of Persia series that goes back years, decades.

[2:06] I guess they're differentiating it from the video game, except for the fact that I guess there is also a video game named Sands of Time.

[2:12] It's much the way that hot dog, the movie, was called that so people would know it was not a hot dog that you could eat.

[2:18] People were going into the theater.

[2:21] They're like, oh, $12, that's pretty expensive for a hot dog.

[2:24] This would be a pretty good hot dog.

[2:27] And they'd sit down to see and watch a movie and they'd be like, yeah, this movie's fine, but where's the hot dog?

[2:31] They're kind of like shag, right?

[2:33] Because you went and you're like, I'll have one shag, please.

[2:36] Like, what's that?

[2:37] What's that?

[2:38] I wouldn't want that.

[2:40] I want a movie.

[2:41] People were in there thinking that they're going to get carpeting.

[2:43] They're going to get a haircut.

[2:46] They're going to get a nice screw, a comfortable screw.

[2:51] I get shag.

[2:52] No, no, shut it down.

[2:54] Shut this one down.

[2:56] Sands of Time, Prince of Persia.

[2:58] So that's the movie we watched, an epic blockbuster of non-Persians saying they're Persian.

[3:05] It's like a Pirates of the Caribbean dead man's chest.

[3:07] It was.

[3:09] It definitely felt like this was the Pirates of the Caribbean knockoff.

[3:16] But learned a few of the lessons of that film.

[3:19] Yes.

[3:20] It was more of a Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

[3:23] Two Shades of Blue.

[3:24] That's what it was called.

[3:28] We pulled it back there.

[3:29] I like that.

[3:30] Trying to keep us on track, but crazy Dan.

[3:33] Words sound like other words.

[3:35] We could have done it.

[3:36] Jake Gyllenhaal was in this movie.

[3:38] He was.

[3:39] Alfred Molina.

[3:41] Properly pronounced, by the way.

[3:42] That's beautiful.

[3:43] Dan, how long did you have to practice to pronounce the star of the movie's name correctly?

[3:48] I'm familiar with the work of his sister.

[3:50] Primarily in.

[3:52] And her name is.

[3:53] Dominant, submission themed films such as Secretary.

[3:56] And I think that's the only one.

[3:58] What is her name?

[4:01] I forgot her first name.

[4:03] Really?

[4:04] Maggie.

[4:05] Sarah?

[4:06] Maggie Gyllenhaal.

[4:07] Yeah.

[4:08] Magyar Gyllenhaal, the Hungarian actress.

[4:11] And this movie also had Alfred Molina and Gemma Arterton.

[4:15] And let's not forget Benjamin Kingsley.

[4:17] Or Gemma Arterton.

[4:18] I don't know.

[4:19] Is Ben Kingsley up yet into the kind of Katherine Heigl, Gerard Butler territory where he's been in a lot of different flop house movies?

[4:29] He was in Sound of Thunder.

[4:32] We talked about doing Blood Rain, but we didn't actually ever.

[4:37] No, I just watched that for fun.

[4:39] You watched that for funsies.

[4:41] For pleasure.

[4:42] What else?

[4:43] Was he in anything else?

[4:44] Maybe he wasn't.

[4:45] He's been in so many bad movies.

[4:47] He was probably in The Last Airbender.

[4:49] Everybody was.

[4:51] I think he was in fucking Valentine's Day.

[4:53] He was bald.

[4:54] Wasn't he the guy who was, wasn't he the one with Jennifer Garner?

[4:59] No, that was.

[5:00] That's America's.

[5:02] No, you're thinking of Patrick Dempsey.

[5:04] Okay.

[5:05] Not even bald.

[5:07] I mean, he could have worn a wig.

[5:10] He wore a wig in Blood Rain.

[5:12] That's true.

[5:13] Or the wig wore him.

[5:15] It depends on who you ask because it's a pretty good wig.

[5:18] So what was this movie all about?

[5:20] There was Sands of Time.

[5:22] There were Princes of Persia.

[5:23] There was Sands of Times.

[5:25] When I think of Persia, I think of carpets.

[5:29] Which of which there were none?

[5:31] You think of Paisley?

[5:32] None in this.

[5:33] Yeah, I think of the guys who battle the 300.

[5:37] You think of slippers.

[5:39] Persian slippers.

[5:40] Persian cats.

[5:41] Yep, genies.

[5:44] Magic lamps.

[5:45] So what do we get here?

[5:47] Hookahs?

[5:48] Sure, no hookahs.

[5:49] That's true.

[5:50] I'm amazed that there was no genie character in this movie.

[5:53] I'm kind of surprised now that there was not an appearance by a wisecracking genie.

[5:58] Yeah, I mean, this is a world where magic exists.

[6:02] Yeah, very much so.

[6:03] So it seems like an oversight that there's no genie.

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:06] Maybe that was a cut subplot.

[6:09] We realize that this was two hours long.

[6:11] In 20 years, they will go back and insert the genie character to make this movie what it was always meant to be.

[6:16] So it will be Prince of Persia, colon, the Sands of Time, colon, special edition.

[6:20] I mean, his original vision featured a genie in the background.

[6:24] Just making faces to distract you from how boring everything was.

[6:28] Well, yeah, it wasn't boring originally.

[6:30] Because the genie was there.

[6:32] Yeah, it was like you're getting two movies for the price of one.

[6:37] You had to wear special glasses.

[6:39] It's crazy.

[6:40] Genie glasses.

[6:41] Yeah.

[6:42] So it's Persia, olden times.

[6:45] It's kind of vague as to what it is.

[6:46] Everybody speaks with an English accent.

[6:47] And everybody is white and speaks with an English accent.

[6:49] Were they olden times where they selected the papyrus font on the credits machine?

[6:56] The Credit Atrix 5000.

[6:59] Yeah.

[7:01] So a king of Persia sees a street urchin, a young boy.

[7:08] Was there a prophecy or anything?

[7:09] No, no prophecy.

[7:10] No, there was kind of text in the beginning that said some lives are linked through time and they have a destiny.

[7:16] But there's no, like, chosen one type.

[7:19] Well, actually, there is at the end of the movie.

[7:21] But anyway, sees a kid bravely fight against soldiers to save another kid.

[7:28] And the king says, I like that kid's moxie.

[7:30] I'm going to adopt that orphan and make him a prince.

[7:33] And that kid grows up to be Jake Gyllenhaal.

[7:35] So I'm assuming that we're skipping over the part where the king molests this child.

[7:40] That part doesn't appear on screen.

[7:41] Because the king is just picking an orphan off the street and taking it home with him.

[7:45] It is a little bit like the opening of Different Strokes, but the one with the scary music over it.

[7:50] Sure.

[7:51] So it looks like Conrad Bain is kidnapping those two children.

[7:53] Oh, man, if Conrad Bain was the king in this movie.

[7:57] How did Ben Kingsley feel about this?

[7:59] Ben Kingsley, the king's brother, didn't like it.

[8:02] He finds it to be insulting that street trash is living in the palace with the two real princes who are both wusses of the highest order.

[8:13] And one of them looks kind of like if Simon Pegg was playing Jesus.

[8:17] And the other one is like a – what's his name?

[8:21] A taller, darker skinned, clearly not related to the other guy.

[8:24] Yes.

[8:25] And who's the guy who plays Green Lantern?

[8:27] Ryan Reynolds?

[8:28] Ryan Reynolds.

[8:29] It was like a thinner, swarthier Ryan Reynolds as the brother with the goatee.

[8:33] I didn't get a look at his abs, so I couldn't see the comparison.

[8:36] And where does Colin Firth figure into this?

[8:39] He's a royal, right?

[8:40] He doesn't.

[8:41] He actually doesn't appear in this.

[8:42] All right.

[8:43] That's the king of England.

[8:44] Actually takes place at least, I'm going to say, 900 years after this movie.

[8:49] Well, I was confused, Elliot, because all these Persians had an English accent.

[8:55] That's true.

[8:56] They were speaking English with a British English accent.

[8:59] And without a stutter.

[9:00] That's because in the past, everyone had English accents.

[9:04] Right.

[9:05] All foreigners were English.

[9:06] Stuart pointed out while we were watching it, that's the old accent.

[9:09] That's the old times, the past accent.

[9:10] That's only the old times, yes.

[9:12] Just like Greensleeves is the theme song to the Middle Ages.

[9:15] It required Jake Gyllenhaal to put on an unintelligible English accent.

[9:20] Jake Gyllenhaal has the second sleepiest performance of his career, I think, after Brothers.

[9:27] Okay.

[9:28] But flash forward to the present, by which I mean the past.

[9:32] Jake Gyllenhaal is a grown man and the best fighter and acrobat of the family.

[9:39] They are sent on a mission to do something.

[9:43] Ben Kingsley tricks the princes into attacking a holy city which has a magic dagger in it,

[9:50] which is guarded by a princess played by…

[9:53] Jim Archerton.

[9:56] And their battle plan revolves around Jake Gyllenhaal doing something.

[10:00] free climbing up the whole yeah well this movie is based on a platform

[10:03] jumping video games there's a lot of

[10:05] jake gyllenhaal climbing up stuff and jumping off of things that was over the

[10:09] fact to the

[10:10] they're attacking

[10:12] to find uh... these men there

[10:14] these magical weapon well they've been told that that don't actually exists

[10:17] they've been told that it is these guys

[10:19] the indies all

[10:21] they've been told that this city is selling is making weapons to sell their

[10:25] enemies but it's not it's all a trick

[10:27] so what are you saying that iraq has

[10:30] a fucking magic dagger with the sands of time that's what he's saying holy shit we should go

[10:34] over there and take that we did already

[10:36] oh we did

[10:37] that's why everything's perfect now we're out of sand though so that's why we can't go back in time

[10:41] before the economic crash or unfortunately president bush pressed the

[10:45] button on the bottom of the dagger to go back in time and then did things worse

[10:48] than he did before he actually screwed up badder than before

[10:52] screwed up badder

[10:53] for the pancakes

[10:54] he screwed up badder

[10:56] well his original plan was to have a pancake cook off but instead it turned into a horrible war

[11:01] elliot's error was punished by jane

[11:04] flawless grammar correction

[11:06] uh... so

[11:08] and the thing about the

[11:09] they point out that because it is based on a platforming video game they had to

[11:14] throw in shit

[11:15] showing jake gyllenhaal jumping around on like arrows driven into the wall

[11:19] because the fun part of a platforming video game is watching the guy do that

[11:24] so they sack this city they take the magic dagger back

[11:29] jake gyllenhaal doesn't know what it is but he's in possession of it

[11:32] he is framed for the murder of the king by evil ben kingsley ironic

[11:38] and he has to go on the run with the princess

[11:41] who hates him because he attacked her city and stole her dagger

[11:44] along the way they run into likeable bandit alfred molina who runs an ostrich

[11:49] racetrack

[11:50] and i think it's so much more interesting when you say it than it is on screen

[11:54] this is going to be a movie that sounds a lot more exciting and interesting than it

[11:57] actually is

[11:58] because there's a lot of adventures along the way a lot of fighting and

[12:01] running

[12:02] uh... they have to run from place to place

[12:04] they're attacked by a number of assassins who are flying snakes

[12:07] flying snakes assassins with claws and flying guillotines and that shoot blades

[12:12] out of their hands

[12:14] and they look really awesome when they do it

[12:16] yeah and there's a

[12:18] kind of like

[12:19] saxophone

[12:21] uh... riff every time they appear

[12:23] and uh... eventually

[12:25] they find out that

[12:27] this dagger when it's filled with the sands of time you press a button on the

[12:30] bottom

[12:31] and you can go back in time like a minute

[12:34] uh... like uh... next

[12:36] that movie we watched

[12:37] yeah well yeah you can see like a minute into the future

[12:42] back in a minute of the past although it'd be the actual way that this day

[12:46] works is very fuzzy because like

[12:49] you go backwards and you've got knowledge of what just happened in the

[12:51] future i guess but

[12:53] it doesn't really seem to like match up like all that like you still

[12:58] like don't worry if you grab the dagger in the future you still have it in your

[13:01] hand when you go back into the past yet doesn't exactly don't really come back

[13:05] at exactly the moment that you left from yeah

[13:09] uh... so don't buy it

[13:11] don't buy one of these daggers

[13:12] dan's consumer reports review of this dagger is

[13:17] it's a borrow not a must buy wait till they work the bugs out

[13:22] don't be an early adopter

[13:24] of the magic time dagger

[13:27] it turns out that underneath there's a lot of fighting a lot of hoo-ha and people get

[13:30] killed

[13:31] it turns out that there's a giant stone underneath the city that everyone lives

[13:35] in

[13:35] that is

[13:37] if you stab the dagger it that's for the sins of time come from if you stab the

[13:41] dagger in it for some reason

[13:43] dictates the whole world back in time to the beginning of time everyone dies

[13:47] ben kingsley wants to do this for lord knows what we know i uh... i had to

[13:51] clarify this by looking on wikipedia

[13:53] he was he wanted to take the he wanted to take a trip back in time

[13:57] to a point at which he has a brother's life yeah he said it was like and like

[14:01] he could become the king like i said when they did when ben kingsley in the

[14:04] king were kids he saved his brother's life in his brother became king i say so

[14:08] you have to undo that so he'll be king

[14:12] so instead there's a lot of the big scheme there's a lot of bright lights

[14:16] and explosions and for some reason michael g foxes for some reason

[14:21] for some reason it takes

[14:23] jack jake gyllenhaal back to the beginning of the movie

[14:26] and he's learned his lesson and he reveals the traitor ben kingsley but

[14:30] only after two different fight scenes

[14:32] in which ben kingsley

[14:33] handily holds his own against jake gyllenhaal i buy it the movie buys you

[14:38] the best you believe that

[14:39] jake gyllenhaal who through the whole movie has been fighting everybody and

[14:42] defeating them

[14:43] undefeated everyone talks about how he's the great very athletic jumping from

[14:47] platform to platform

[14:48] big muscles kind of dopey looking there like he's got a sad face yeah and he's got

[14:52] lanky like greasy hair

[14:54] uh... which everyone knows impedes your ability to fight

[14:59] i just don't think his heart's in it you know

[15:01] the uh... but you're quite right up

[15:03] crusty thin skeleton ben kingsley

[15:07] if jake gyllenhaal was fighting ben kingsley from sexy beast we might be able to

[15:11] believe that there's something about sexy beast or ben kingsley who's up against ray

[15:14] winstone who's a big fat pudge like i believe that

[15:18] you wouldn't say that to ray winstone i would not he would beat the shit out of me

[15:23] but it's but here it's hard but you'd probably say that to ben kingsley though

[15:27] i would i wouldn't be afraid to tell ben kingsley to his face that he was a dried

[15:30] up skeleton of a man who could not take jake gyllenhaal in a fight

[15:34] he couldn't even hold his own against natasha henstrich come on

[15:38] well she was an alien that's true she was a species

[15:42] i like what kind we don't know i like it when people use the titles of movies to

[15:45] represent the main characters like natasha henstrich when you were

[15:49] playing species i liked species until she started killing people uh... that

[15:53] character is actually called sil yes yes species

[15:57] i like that nerdy kid on that show family matters

[16:00] i love that family matters kid

[16:04] jaleel white who of course played family matters on tv

[16:08] family matters

[16:11] uh... so in the end jake gyllenhaal learns a lesson about

[16:14] going back in time

[16:16] and he falls in love again with jemma scatherman and

[16:20] they ride off into the dust

[16:22] and it is revealed that

[16:24] uh...

[16:25] some lives are linked through time so one thing i need to say just off the

[16:29] bat is that this movie is that you loved the movie

[16:33] i bought it on blu-ray before the film was over i was on amazon before the film

[16:39] was released in theaters you had bought it start popping some corn

[16:43] movie time

[16:45] this movie found an all new way

[16:47] to uh...

[16:48] end a movie on the it was all just a dream thing

[16:52] by the end of the movie is okay uh... nothing actually that will happen is

[16:57] there anything different between that and back to the future

[17:00] i guess there is because the family is in totally different

[17:03] situation at the end of it

[17:04] well i mean like back to the future does not

[17:07] or groundhog day back to the future does not literally undo everything that has

[17:12] happened in the film groundhog day kind of does

[17:15] uh... but that movie is a great movie that movie is hilarious that's true it is

[17:20] this movie is

[17:21] only pretty funny

[17:23] this movie is merely gut busting

[17:26] well uh... it is a it is a i know this is a controversial statement to say but i

[17:30] don't think that jake gyllenhaal takes us through the character change that

[17:34] bill murray does in groundhog day

[17:36] that is controversial but we won't get into it right now

[17:39] i love uh... after the climactic sword battle

[17:43] between an old man and jake gyllenhaal

[17:47] instead of killing ben kingsley who

[17:54] has revealed himself as a traitor there's an entire army that's loyal to

[17:58] jake gyllenhaal surrounding him

[18:00] he then jumps up with a dagger

[18:02] only to be stabbed to death by the uh... the other prince

[18:06] by the prince who took control

[18:10] when the king dies

[18:12] they realize the only way they can stop this guy this old man is by killing him

[18:17] when really you could just stop him by not listening to him

[18:21] you could step ten more feet away and he'd cut himself out

[18:26] when he gets killed he looks like he's having a heart attack anyway

[18:30] well if you must use violence just pop him on the stomach first

[18:34] maybe before going into the stabbing just push him over

[18:37] he'll break his hip

[18:39] so you would prefer a slow death

[18:43] he was a bad guy come on

[18:45] so on a scale from

[18:47] pulse pounding to

[18:52] couldn't catch my breath it was so exciting

[18:55] where does this movie stand? well i think ellie you were here while i was watching the

[19:00] movie and i got distracted by the fact that i own a yardstick

[19:04] dan literally got up

[19:05] saw that he had a yardstick lying on the ground and went oh yardstick huh?

[19:09] and so that's how this movie is less exciting than a piece of wood that is

[19:15] meant to measure three feet and most likely has been in this apartment for

[19:18] some time yeah i don't it's not a new yardstick is it?

[19:21] the thing i was sad about though is

[19:24] you know listeners you don't know this but dan has this lovely couch ok

[19:29] but i could only appreciate the edge of it tonight

[19:31] because i was literally well done because you were literally getting up

[19:35] constantly out of boredom oh man

[19:39] this is a dull movie what is that yardstick doing?

[19:42] is it upside down yet?

[19:43] so we've described a movie that has

[19:45] a lot of acrobatic stunts an ostrich race assassins with flying blades

[19:51] alfred molina alfred molina at his broadest

[19:55] a magic time traveling dagger and ben kingsley being an old man in a fight

[19:59] with jake gillen

[20:00] on. And it is super dull. Yeah. There's a lot of explanation. There's a lot of, man,

[20:07] a lot of characters being explained. You like things being explained and barely audible

[20:11] dialogue over loud music and things falling down. If you like sepia-toned CGI, then this

[20:16] is the film for you. Everything looks so, like, the fact that movies of this type were

[20:21] made in the 30s that looked less fake and less artificial than this did. And also had

[20:26] beautiful cinematography. Yes, and looked gorgeous. If you like sandstorm effects that

[20:30] look like somebody just smudged the negative a little bit, this is for you. I guess I was

[20:36] saying, if anyone is considering renting Prince of Persia, Sands of Time, why don't you just

[20:42] rent Thief of Baghdad? Just, like, go all the way and rent the Michael Korda Thief of

[20:46] Baghdad. And it's beautiful, and there's a lot of fake Arabian, you know, architecture

[20:52] and stuff. What is it? Arabian Nights? Is that the other one? The same period? What's

[21:01] the... 101 Erotic Nights? Yeah. That's probably it, yeah. Write that one. 101 Erotic Donations.

[21:08] I mean... I thought you said donations. There will be less... 101 Erotic Donations. Our

[21:16] vibrator drive is doing great. There will be less scimitar fighting in it, but I guarantee

[21:21] you'll be more satisfied. It is a... It's a tagline, I think. This is a movie full of

[21:27] sword fighting that is boring. Yeah. And it's the same thing you see in a lot of movies

[21:32] where it's just bad. The fight choreography you can't really see. It's not shot well.

[21:37] Everything's dimly lit. Two guys in the middle of a bunch of people that seem to be running

[21:41] in a circle. Yeah. Well, here's another thing. This is the director, Mike Newell, best known

[21:47] for... Probably for... He directed Four Weddings and a Funeral. He directed Donnie Brasco.

[21:54] Action. Both good movies, not known for their action. Not known for their action. It's like

[21:59] how with the Bond movies, they make the mistake of hiring Michael Apted to direct them when

[22:04] he is a brilliant documentarian, not the best action film director. What you don't understand

[22:10] is they're going to check in on James Bond every seven years. Every seven years. I wish

[22:16] they would. Actually, that would be an amazing series. Yeah. I'd love to see a secret agent

[22:20] right at the beginning of his career, seven years later when he's the top of the game,

[22:24] seven years later when he's thinking about retiring, seven years of that desk job. And

[22:28] then just as he gets older and older and like bores his children with his tales of being a spy.

[22:35] Yeah. Much the same way that I wanted the third season. More like Graham Green sort of. Yeah.

[22:39] The same way I wanted the third season of Mad Men to jump forward to the 1970s

[22:44] when Don Draper is a fat middle-aged man with a big mustache that no one wants to sleep with.

[22:50] Yeah. People still want to sleep with him. Yeah, it was the 70s. It was the 70s, that's true.

[22:54] Some key parties going on. Some, so I'm led to believe. I don't know. Drugs. Yeah. I wasn't

[23:01] there. Suburban malaise. Yep. Shag. Shag carpeting. So, it goes back to shag. Don't do that.

[23:11] Shut it down. So, yeah, this movie wasn't very good, huh? It was pretty bland. What's going on?

[23:17] Sorry, Stewart. In the middle, you were talking and you were scratching your belly at the same

[23:23] time, which caused me to notice your shirt, which says Flamingo Fest 2002. Special wedding edition.

[23:30] Yeah. Yeah. I just want to point that out. Sorry. So, you went to some sort of cross-dressing drag

[23:36] wedding event? No, I know somebody who did. Oh, okay.

[23:43] That's a teaser audience. T-shirt teaser. Another Stewart Wellington t-shirt teaser.

[23:50] Classic t-shirt tease from the Housecat and Stewart Wellington.

[23:54] Housecat brought to you by Housecat Industries. So, yeah, it's a movie that is just like,

[24:00] it just sits there doing stuff while you lose interest.

[24:03] It's like, it's not bad enough to really wander away. It's not bad enough to get me. It's like,

[24:08] I liked this more than Last Airbender. I'll give it that. Yeah, I think that's the,

[24:12] that movie immediately comes to mind, you know, in the dark of the night when I'm alone.

[24:19] But they're both kind of similar. You remember the Last Airbender and you say, no,

[24:24] not in this world. They're both like slow, boring fantasy fest that spend the whole time trying to

[24:29] tell me about why I should care about everything. Yeah. Instead of making you care about it by being

[24:35] exciting and having good characters and having stuff happen. Like the most charismatic character

[24:40] in the whole thing is probably Alfred Molina's pet ostrich, who he just shows up for like a

[24:45] couple minutes. There were, I mean, the ostriches were the most exciting thing. Yeah. Yeah. I was

[24:50] wondering if they're going to peck somebody's face. There's a scene where Jake Gyllenhaal,

[24:54] an ostrich starts and Jake Gyllenhaal is standing right in the middle of the track

[24:57] and you're like, oh, is he going to have to outrun these ostriches? Nope. He just gets pulled aside

[25:02] and he's safe. It's really like, okay, you almost had something, but forget about it.

[25:07] I don't watch that. I don't watch an hour and a half of that. Jake Gyllenhaal just being chased

[25:12] by an ostrich. Probably would have been better. You wish this movie was just called Prince of

[25:15] Persia, a day at the ostrich races. You wish it was called guy gets chased by ostrich and it was

[25:21] on YouTube and it was an hour and a half long. I wouldn't break that up into a lot of parts.

[25:27] I wouldn't let them think they'd let you upload that. I will say this movie, one of its triumphs

[25:32] is that it is less than two hours long. Barely. Well, I mean, without credits, it's like an hour

[25:37] and 49 minutes. Okay. I'm sure they were tempted. That's the thing. They could have easily have

[25:41] released this as like a two hour, 20 minute, you know, bloated crap fest that just sits there and

[25:48] they know they're going to get a certain amount of money and that's it. You know,

[25:50] where's the, this is a Bruckheimer film too. I gotta, I gotta, let me pull something out here

[25:55] from the Dutch Bruckheimer family. Jerry Bruckheimer was never, never actually a good

[26:02] producer, but back in the day he knew how to make movies that moved along and were

[26:07] entertaining in their stupidity. And now it's just gotten so bloated and dull, all of these

[26:13] things. I feel like he's probably, he's probably too busy swimming in his money bin to pay attention

[26:20] to the movies he's putting out now. I think you have him confused with a cartoon duck.

[26:26] Burying through it like a gopher, tossing it up and letting it hit him on his head.

[26:30] Yeah, he's probably got these Beagle Boys characters to worry about. I don't care how

[26:34] much you like money. Coins hitting you on the head does not feel good. Well, also that,

[26:39] you know, like you have to assume that that money's been in circulation for a while. Oh,

[26:43] sure. There's so much disease in that money bin. Well, I mean, ducks are dirty animals.

[26:49] They're swimming with disease. Yeah, they, I mean, they're, you know, like they're feeding

[26:52] from the muck at the bottom of the pond. Well, you don't know is that the Beagle Boys were hired

[26:56] to steal that money by the sanitation department. It was a public health problem. Just get rid of it.

[27:03] We've been, we've heard so many complaints of the stench and the germs.

[27:07] There's rats coming, like that whole bottom layer of the money bin is just rats. Oh, it's just rat

[27:11] bones. Rat bones and just servants of Scrooge McDuck who have fallen in and been forgotten about.

[27:18] Or pushed in. Imagine. They haven't seen Gyro Gearloose in months.

[27:23] If I wanted to kill Scrooge McDuck, what I would do is I would wait till he's swimming in the

[27:26] money bath, in the money, in the money vault. Just dump more money on top of him and just

[27:32] close the door. No one can hear his screams from outside. And then Donald inherits.

[27:39] And then, yeah, Donald inherits the money. You gotta bump them off.

[27:46] I mean, for a time. I mean, they'll probably spend it all on crackers and stickers and shit.

[27:50] Well, the other thing is that you gotta invest that money because the money itself is depreciating

[27:54] in value as we speak. Well, not that it's gold, though. Not the gold. I mean, he does have like

[27:59] a gallon of gold and rubies in this economy. He overpaid for those. Those are vintage gold coins.

[28:04] He paid way more than market value for those.

[28:08] Scrooge McDuck is just watching Glenn Beck, seeing those commercials for gold companies.

[28:12] He's calling in to hedge against the apocalypse, wasting his money.

[28:15] I mean, it's probably for the best that Gyro Gearloose would get buried in there,

[28:19] though, because he was always fucking making inventions that were going to kill him.

[28:22] Yeah, that were terrible.

[28:25] This has been a real expose on Duckburg.

[28:28] Just on Scrooge McDuck. Duckburg is a lovely town. I mean, New York's the greatest city in

[28:33] the world. It's still got criminals and crazy people in it.

[28:35] Yeah, at least Duckburg. I mean, criminals there, they're wearing costumes.

[28:41] They're dressed as criminals.

[28:42] They wear their prison numbers on them, so you can tell.

[28:45] I'd be more unhappy about Duckburg's rampant anti-Semitism laws.

[28:50] Jewish ducks not allowed to live in Duckburg. Certainly, ducks of color, not allowed to live

[28:55] there. Terrible.

[28:57] Makes me sick. So, Prince of Prudence.

[29:03] What else?

[29:04] Scents of Smersha.

[29:09] Not even words that sound like words. Those are just made-up sounds.

[29:13] That's become such a fallback for us, is just changing the letters in a word slightly.

[29:18] Yeah.

[29:18] I'm glad other people enjoy that, by which I mean you too, with me,

[29:22] because I don't think the listeners do.

[29:25] We could just have a club that did that. We could stop doing the podcast and inflicting

[29:28] this on other people. We could just hang around changing the letters and words.

[29:32] It would probably take less time.

[29:35] We wouldn't have to watch the movie.

[29:37] Wouldn't it pay for bandwidth?

[29:39] Here are my top complaints. Well, only you do that.

[29:41] That's true. He just pays for Popeyes.

[29:43] That's why they call me Scrooge McDuck, because I pay for stuff.

[29:48] Well, he doesn't pay for stuff.

[29:49] Yeah, you are a lot like, you're kind of like the Cyclops Scrooge McDuck in this game.

[29:54] You'd be like the Wolverine Scrooge McDuck. I'll be, I don't know.

[30:00] I don't understand why the Scrooge McDuck label is meaningless, although it means Flophouse

[30:13] fan art time.

[30:14] Any Flophouse fan who wants to draw us a picture of the Scrooge McDuck X-Men, please go ahead

[30:19] and do so.

[30:20] We'll put it on the wall.

[30:21] Be aware that you probably will be sued by Disney.

[30:25] And Marvel, and Disney, which owns Marvel.

[30:27] Yeah.

[30:28] Actually, the fact that Disney owns Marvel now opens the door to a lot of great crossovers

[30:32] like that.

[30:33] Sure.

[30:34] Wow.

[30:35] The Duckmen.

[30:36] Let's just pitch that.

[30:37] X-Ducks.

[30:38] Yeah, X-Ducks.

[30:39] Sure.

[30:40] X-Ducks.

[30:41] That horse.

[30:42] And then the sex ducks.

[30:43] Could be something.

[30:44] The porno spin-off.

[30:45] That horse.

[30:46] You know, that horse is in the Mickey Mouse cartoons.

[30:47] Yeah, I used to know it.

[30:48] Horace, is that his name?

[30:49] Yeah, Horace the Horse, and then there's Clarabelle the Cow.

[30:52] Clarabelle the Clow.

[30:53] Goofy the thing.

[30:54] The dog creature.

[30:55] Okay.

[30:57] Okay.

[30:58] Prince of Persia.

[30:59] How do you like Pete?

[31:00] Anyone?

[31:01] That's not an animal.

[31:02] He's a Pete.

[31:03] What kind of animal is he?

[31:04] Oh, he's a Pete.

[31:05] Here's the problems with Prince of Persia, and I'll just list them.

[31:09] Sure.

[31:10] You're going to lay them on the line.

[31:11] Uninspired plot.

[31:12] Okay.

[31:13] Characters don't come to life.

[31:16] The color is too monotone.

[31:18] It's all this kind of sandy gold color.

[31:21] The same color that has destroyed the modern western to a certain extent, that they think

[31:25] everything has to look sepia and browns and golds.

[31:29] Confusingly shot, there's too much going on on the screen a lot of the time, and it doesn't

[31:33] look pretty.

[31:34] A bunch of dust clouds.

[31:36] You're dealing with kind of western stereotypes of ancient Persia, which is one of the most

[31:42] beautiful fictional time periods in history, is this kind of ancient Persia, near east

[31:47] orient of harems and open air plazas and long flowing outfits and gold everywhere and

[31:57] cut out wood ornaments.

[31:59] You see a lot of paintings from the turn of the 20th century that are fantasy visuals

[32:04] of this type of thing, and they're gorgeous, and this movie just can't make those elements

[32:08] look good.

[32:09] Expensive.

[32:10] That's it?

[32:11] Expensive.

[32:12] Expensive.

[32:13] I mean, the movie looks expensive and cheap at the same time.

[32:16] Tentpole movie.

[32:17] This was supposed to be a big summer blockbuster.

[32:19] Yeah, not enough tentpoles.

[32:20] That's the other thing.

[32:21] There's only one scene where they're in a tent.

[32:23] Come on.

[32:24] They should be constantly jumping.

[32:25] And most of that's telling the legend of the sand people or whatever.

[32:30] Yeah.

[32:31] If only there was some sand.

[32:32] If only a Tuscan raider showed up riding a bantha.

[32:34] Ah, banthas.

[32:35] So...

[32:36] How many times did I wish they would come over a dune and see Obi-Wan saving Luke and

[32:42] then going off and starting Star Wars?

[32:44] Or like, Boba Fett crawling out of the Sarlacc pit and being like, oh man, that was a long

[32:51] nap.

[32:52] Have I got a headache.

[32:53] Yowza.

[32:54] Sure.

[32:55] Great.

[32:56] Yowza.

[32:57] Now I want a talking Boba Fett doll that says Yowza when you press a button.

[33:04] Yowza.

[33:05] Yeah.

[33:06] Boba Fett on a date.

[33:07] So, um, what do we do now, guys?

[33:12] I think we've exhausted ourselves.

[33:18] Not the movie, but ourselves.

[33:20] And we should probably just skip ahead to final judgments on this, whether this was

[33:23] a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we actually liked in some way.

[33:29] Stuart, you look pensive.

[33:31] What do you have to say about this?

[33:33] I didn't like this movie and it was long and boring and there was way too many scenes of

[33:42] just telling legends and other bullshit that I didn't care about.

[33:46] But I did like any scene where Ben Kingsley got to do physical stuff.

[33:51] Like when he climbed faster than Jake Gyllenhaal or they fought him with two swords at one

[33:56] time.

[33:57] It was radical.

[33:58] Yeah.

[33:59] There should be more movies where old men out fight and out climb and out athletic young

[34:03] men.

[34:04] There were three things I liked about this movie.

[34:08] Alfred Molina, ostriches, and occasionally the lead lady was a little cleavage-y.

[34:15] And that's about all I can say.

[34:17] Very occasionally.

[34:18] Yeah.

[34:19] Not frequently.

[34:20] Alfred Molina is very much the Johnny Depp of this movie.

[34:23] He's supposed to be the-

[34:24] Hilarious.

[34:25] Yeah.

[34:26] Riveting.

[34:27] Just like the lovable, rogue, funny Jack Sparrow character, but there's not a lot of him.

[34:30] He's really only in a couple scenes and he disappears for a long-

[34:35] You expect when they first meet him that he's going to join up in their ragtag band for

[34:37] justice, but then he disappears for a long time.

[34:40] And he looks like Terry Jones from Life of Brian.

[34:44] Yeah.

[34:45] He does.

[34:46] As Dan pointed out, he does look like he's playing Terry Jones playing Brian's mother.

[34:51] Brian!

[34:52] That's my Terry Jones.

[34:54] He runs in the same way.

[34:55] He runs like a man playing a fat middle-aged woman.

[34:59] Is that how- I mean, maybe that's the way you have to run when you're wearing one of

[35:02] those robes.

[35:03] I guess so.

[35:04] I don't know.

[35:05] We should do a test.

[35:06] Do a Mythbusters over here.

[35:08] Yeah.

[35:09] Dan, get your middle- your Arabian robe.

[35:11] Okay.

[35:12] Let's see.

[35:13] We'll do- we'll film that video and slap it up on the site.

[35:17] It's like they- it was like-

[35:18] Okay, so I just summarized-

[35:19] Well, it's like-

[35:21] I summarized the- I summarized what my rating was.

[35:24] Okay.

[35:25] No, I think we both agreed that it was bad.

[35:26] Yeah, it was a bad, boring movie.

[35:28] It was not- we've seen worse movies, but it was almost more boring because it was not

[35:32] bad enough.

[35:33] It was just dull.

[35:34] Yeah.

[35:35] I was going to say-

[35:36] For me, this wasn't the first tier of boringness.

[35:37] No.

[35:38] Oh, I think I've seen more boring than this.

[35:39] Yeah.

[35:40] Alfred- well, I definitely have.

[35:41] I've seen Slow Bullet, for crying out loud.

[35:43] But Alfred Molina did look like he was running with a watermelon between his knees.

[35:47] Oh my god.

[35:48] Okay, Alfred.

[35:49] Let's see if you can play this role, always carrying a watermelon between your knees.

[35:54] I like to think that-

[35:55] He's in the prestige.

[35:56] That was his choice.

[35:57] Yeah, he was trying to- that's how he got into character.

[36:02] Because a lot of actors like to create backstory that they don't necessarily tell anyone.

[36:05] Oh, really?

[36:06] And his backstory for this character was that he had stolen a watermelon and didn't want

[36:10] anyone to know about it.

[36:13] Well, when he was a little boy, he stole a watermelon, and that saved him from the evil

[36:18] gypsies.

[36:19] So the only- so that was his, like, lucky charm.

[36:22] Yeah.

[36:23] Was this old?

[36:24] Now it's a pet.

[36:25] A pet watermelon.

[36:26] It's rotting.

[36:27] People think he smells.

[36:29] It's just the watermelon.

[36:30] He can't tell them.

[36:31] He wants to, but he can't.

[36:34] It's his crust to bear.

[36:36] To his-

[36:37] His crust to bear.

[36:40] His delicious crust.

[36:42] On a bear.

[36:43] A bear crust.

[36:44] Cut the crust off my bear, please.

[36:48] I don't like the crust.

[36:50] That's total nonsense at this point.

[36:53] Okay, so I've got some letters here from listeners.

[36:57] Yay, we love getting letters.

[36:59] Everybody should write us some.

[37:01] Right, Daniel?

[37:02] Right, Stuart?

[37:03] Right, absolutely.

[37:04] Right, Elliot?

[37:05] You betcha, Elliot.

[37:06] You can write us at theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

[37:09] The longest-

[37:10] The most inconveniently long-

[37:12] Sure.

[37:13] Why don't we just get, like, flophouse at gmail?

[37:15] I think it was taken.

[37:17] I think that was the-

[37:18] Oh, man.

[37:19] This was not just my idiocy.

[37:21] I think there was a reason.

[37:22] No, you're not an idiot.

[37:23] Come on.

[37:24] Theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

[37:25] Not the brightest bulb, but you know.

[37:27] You're pretty funny.

[37:28] So...

[37:29] Thanks, guys.

[37:30] This is from just-

[37:31] You're good at setting stuff up and stuff.

[37:33] Yeah.

[37:34] Oh, my God.

[37:35] It's just another way of calling me the Cyclops.

[37:37] You're the Leonardo.

[37:38] Come on.

[37:39] You're very important.

[37:40] Sleep.

[37:41] So, this is-

[37:42] You allow the attention to be directed on the charismatic members of the group.

[37:46] I'm the Luke Skywalker, is what you're saying.

[37:48] You're the Mark Wahlberg of this fire.

[37:49] You're more the Lobot.

[37:50] Wow.

[37:53] You're the Power Droid.

[37:56] You're the guy in Entourage who's not the famous actor and not Turtle or Johnny Drama.

[38:01] Wait.

[38:02] Are you saying he's the droid?

[38:03] Yeah, you're E.

[38:04] Wait.

[38:05] He's the droid in Java's Palace that gets turned upside down and-

[38:08] And goes-

[38:10] Yeah, that's Dan all right.

[38:14] You're Yak Face.

[38:15] Isn't it a little weird that Java has a torture chamber for droids?

[38:18] It's weird that the droid can feel pain in his feet.

[38:20] Who programs a robot to feel pain?

[38:23] Also, the torturer droid says that he disintegrated him.

[38:27] That's not disintegrating.

[38:28] He's just putting heat on his feet.

[38:30] Feet heat.

[38:32] I don't understand why you'd put pain sensors on his feet,

[38:34] which is going to be on the ground the most likely to touch painful objects.

[38:40] And it's all sand and little pebbles.

[38:42] It's going to hurt.

[38:44] Why would you build a robot that needs to wear shoes?

[38:47] It's like that garbage can robot that just says,

[38:50] and walks around.

[38:51] What does that do?

[38:52] What's the use?

[38:53] What's that gunk?

[38:54] Because people got tired of sneaking up on him.

[38:58] A lot of-

[39:00] It's just new gunk.

[39:01] Can you just say gunk?

[39:04] Anyway, let's-

[39:05] Droid humor.

[39:06] I love it.

[39:07] I could do a tight five minutes on Star Wars droids.

[39:10] What's the deal with Forlom?

[39:12] Okay.

[39:13] I introduced the idea of letters five minutes ago.

[39:16] Five minutes ago.

[39:18] So this one's from-

[39:19] Space minutes.

[39:22] This one's from Justin, last name with L, and this says-

[39:24] Big family.

[39:25] I'm writing because I've yet to hear any feedback on this year's Oscar nominations.

[39:30] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[39:31] In previous years, you've offered entertaining insight and general condemnation toward the process,

[39:35] so I wonder what's different about this year's awards that would set it apart from years previous.

[39:39] Was it a nomination for all justly deserving films,

[39:41] and there's a distinct paradigm shift within the film industry towards a selfless introspective ceremony

[39:45] that isn't the self-aggrandizing and shallow spectacle that we've all become accustomed to?

[39:50] Probably not.

[39:52] There's something about this year that sets others apart, and that is the host, Anne Hathaway.

[39:56] Remember, there was a more disappointing sign of favoritism in the realm of comedy.

[40:00] the criticism

[40:01] i would like to know because i certainly cannot think of any elitist unafraid to

[40:04] tear apart the oscars even when his own employer was hosting

[40:07] at this year they get a pass

[40:09] yeah what's up with that i understand the bonds of childhood friendship and

[40:12] wealthy randy yeah but the integrity of this podcast has always been based on

[40:15] movie criticism that digresses into titles and words that sound the same

[40:19] and i would hate to lose that

[40:22] yeah

[40:23] what's up with that elliott and i would have anything like your best buddy this

[40:26] feels like a you know you made a bff uh...

[40:29] truce sir will be a little blood brothers okay which blood brother

[40:33] sisters okay

[40:34] uh...

[40:35] i don't know what do you i'd i'd feel i thought i didn't have any

[40:38] like real feelings about the nomination genuinely like not

[40:42] well i i wouldn't say that i make of this is a great but i'm also there's

[40:45] nothing that upsets me this year i don't like that amy adams was nominated

[40:49] for best running actress i thought she did a bad job

[40:51] but uh... i think she had a bad job like you did but i did

[40:54] didn't think she was

[40:56] like the greatest but yeah but in terms of

[40:59] like most the nominees are really good i was really glad that like john hawks was

[41:03] nominated

[41:04] has really glad that winter's bone got recognized for a bunch of stuffs

[41:08] like the almost all i can't really think of any best picture nominees that i'm

[41:12] upset was nominated except i feel

[41:14] the kids are all right was a major disappointment i didn't like that movie

[41:16] that much

[41:17] but i thought that was that like the is basically that's a movie as a

[41:20] disappointment just by being overhyped

[41:23] that's the thing it's like a solid uh... dramedy but it's not

[41:28] you know much like a two and a half star movie yeah like i thought i didn't like

[41:31] it but it obviously touched a chord with a lot of older people

[41:34] like people older than us wow

[41:36] well i think people in their 50s and 60s or 40s

[41:43] i'm not insulting but i'm saying there was something about that movie that

[41:46] really

[41:47] rang true for people in middle age and it didn't for me because he's dead

[41:53] he's not just old he's over a hundred years old i think

[41:56] uh... i just assume people heard that

[41:59] it was a movie where julianne moore and annette benning were lesbian like part of a

[42:03] lesbian family and were like that sounds hilarious and great

[42:07] well that's the thing is i would say it would be a better movie if it was

[42:10] really about that

[42:12] they're a lesbian family but it's a movie about how

[42:14] lesbians occasionally fall in love and have sex with men

[42:18] which is i feel like is a fundamental misunderstanding of lesbian

[42:21] relationships for the most part well i don't think that they're saying that they fell in love

[42:25] it was like a weird

[42:26] it was a fling but like

[42:28] the idea that like

[42:29] i am devoted to my wife i'm a lesbian until mark ruffalo comes along hello

[42:35] well obviously obviously

[42:37] yeah

[42:39] obviously yes

[42:40] it would be

[42:41] better if it wasn't mark ruffalo

[42:44] if it was dan

[42:47] well i also don't know what you're saying dan wants to have sex with julianne moore

[42:52] i think that a lesbian she is kind of his type right?

[42:54] yes yeah that's true very much so i think a lesbian filmmaker though should be

[42:58] allowed to make a movie about lesbians

[43:00] where like part of the point is like the mutability of sexuality and like it

[43:05] doesn't really matter like g.i.j. hate that on it but i feel like that wasn't the message

[43:10] that the movie brought out

[43:11] i feel if the movie had made a stronger point of that i would have been

[43:14] more okay with it

[43:17] like emmanuel in space

[43:18] emmanuel in space is all about the mutability well it made a great point which is that people in the

[43:23] future don't know what sex is and yet it powers their spaceships somehow

[43:28] emmanuel in space by the way uh... on netflix instant watch

[43:31] which one i mean it was a series

[43:34] anyway the movies are all compilations of episodes

[43:37] uh... so anywho for the most part this was a very good year for like

[43:42] solid

[43:43] hollywood movies

[43:45] stuff like

[43:45] the fighter and the king's speech like the true grit true grit like these are

[43:49] some i don't think this was

[43:51] the greatest year in movie history but those are all solid movies and they got

[43:55] recognized nominations toy story three was really good

[43:58] black swan i thought was great

[44:00] yeah yeah and you have some directors turning out some of their best work

[44:03] yeah and people say like

[44:05] yeah i think so and people say like

[44:08] well uh...

[44:10] you know christopher nolan wasn't nominated for inception but like

[44:13] there were ten best picture nominees and there's only five best director slots

[44:16] like half of those directors are gonna get snapped you know

[44:19] and you needed to do it you needed to have

[44:22] a lot of people named uh... there's at least two nominees for best director

[44:26] named david right

[44:28] yeah and i mean

[44:29] he made a movie about dream crime he should be happy i'm sure he's content

[44:33] with the millions and millions of dollars he made

[44:36] yeah i think he would have made more if it was called dream crime

[44:41] it was already copyrighted

[44:44] you've registered that with the guild i think when the when the oscar ceremony

[44:48] takes place and it's shitty

[44:50] then i think we'll have

[44:51] more to say about it yeah

[44:53] oh will we

[44:54] although that episode is always cursed that always has like some sort of sound problem

[45:00] so this is uh... this is letter number two this is from john last name with hell and it says

[45:06] it's titled shoeless elliot

[45:08] and it says

[45:09] what kind of candy ass pink baby hamster feet does elliot have that he got blisters

[45:14] from running five minutes indoors with no shoes on not five minutes i had to run through

[45:19] an entire airport as quint would say you got city feet mr caylan

[45:24] also click away at at word sound like each other dot com it's not a fan site but it's

[45:29] something yes this this fan uh...

[45:31] registered uh... word sound like each other dot com

[45:34] so it now redirects to the flop house which is awesome yeah it is it is awesome

[45:40] but uh... yeah i know this is

[45:41] this uh... the shoe thing

[45:43] this is something i didn't bring up i didn't realize this caught fire i did i did not bring

[45:47] this up in the last episode

[45:50] because unlike certain co-hosts i don't like to say hurtful things to my friends

[45:54] but i don't think it's wow was that directed towards stewart or to me because we both say

[45:58] mean things about you

[46:00] uh... yeah both of you but he was looking at me the whole time right but it did

[46:05] like i'm feeling really self-conscious already like he made me wait out in the cold before

[46:08] he taped he didn't want me to sit on the whole part of his couch just the edge

[46:14] that's why only i got to sit on the edge he didn't want you to sit on the full couch i don't want his butt on my couch

[46:20] you don't know where it's been

[46:21] it's been in chairs

[46:23] now i did i did have the same thought in soothing mud a saddle

[46:27] when you're telling this story of your run here's what you should do if you want to judge me

[46:32] okay go to

[46:34] la guardia airport okay okay and

[46:36] i ran through the whole fucking thing with no shoes on

[46:40] well and i guess like a like a goof

[46:44] they love to see people's legs

[46:46] i does attest

[46:47] we i ran from the security area to the farthest gate that that airline had

[46:53] and he's

[46:54] does not have the longest legs no offense my man it's okay we're cool right we're cool

[46:59] okay we're cool yeah okay because he doesn't have super long legs so that easily took up like what two hours

[47:05] i was i was running for probably about

[47:08] fifteen twenty minutes

[47:10] with no shoes on in a in a

[47:12] airport because the thing is you're probably sweating a lot right now okay wait i was sweaty i had to take my shirt off i was so sweaty

[47:17] now time does my pants got caught on a nail so those got worn off time does expand when you're running you don't

[47:22] necessarily have a good sense of how long i was running for seven eight hours did you look at your

[47:26] did you look at your watch before and did you look at your watch afterwards you're right because i was

[47:30] late for a plane i had i had time to just hit a stopwatch

[47:35] i handed a flag to somebody and i said run ahead for fifteen to twenty minutes

[47:40] maybe it was like ten minutes

[47:41] i think i think it all goes back to the short legs thing guys

[47:46] i think normal size legs it takes it only takes like five minutes

[47:50] normal size legs no offense i said no offense i'm not a midget i said no offense chill out

[47:55] like five five five six no offense

[47:58] uh... fixes everything ali i forgot that's right yeah it's like no takesies

[48:02] takesies

[48:04] and uh... i forgot the law of the playground don't get upset but

[48:07] i'm sorry i'm just saying

[48:09] when someone gets you really mad and then they go

[48:11] hey calm down

[48:13] hey cool it

[48:13] or hey pardon my french

[48:16] that's another thing

[48:19] no it's the same thing right so i think that what we're saying ali when you speak french and somebody gets mad at you is we've entered you in the new york

[48:25] marathon okay let's do this

[48:28] the new york marathon better be run shoeless and through an airport and then i'll be ready for it

[48:33] so uh...

[48:35] let me just say if that was a family circus cartoon then the little dotted line of how far i ran would have had to be continued through multiple sunday pages

[48:45] and not me would be walking away with your shoes not me would be like oh man this is too much i gotta go

[48:51] and i don't know would have dropped dead

[48:53] and be up there with grandpa in heaven

[48:55] so

[48:57] we were talking today about at work about how we would cast the family circus movie

[49:03] uh... all i remember from it was carrie ann moss as the mom

[49:08] and then a bunch of children with that horrible swollen head disease

[49:12] yeah it was uh... robert duvall as grandpa's ghost and i think verne

[49:17] treuer as not me

[49:19] i'm starting to think about what about ryan gosling as the dead

[49:24] he might have had matt damon as the dead but ryan gosling could work

[49:27] i like vincent garland as the dead

[49:28] vincent garland is a crazy man

[49:33] but anyway that's the family circus movie so this letter says

[49:37] uh...

[49:39] this letter says hi

[49:41] one of my

[49:42] one of my fellow av club freelancers turned me on to the flop house about a year ago and i became an instant addict

[49:49] two things

[49:50] one i'm often tempted just to skip the episodes featuring guest flopcasters

[49:54] sorry they don't just they just don't compare to the real mccoy

[49:58] uh oh

[49:59] i mean i don't know

[50:00] I'm always saying the real McCoy. I'm the only one who's always here. Yeah, it's always real McCoy, but

[50:07] Yeah, so he doesn't know and number two

[50:12] Number two I respectfully disagree with my colleague Steve Heisler about dance cartoon. I thought it was tops

[50:18] Yeah, I agree. So this is the this is the redemption from the onion AV club that I've been waiting for which

[50:24] One of their freelancers they when Dan's cartoon 9 a.m. Meeting was in the tell New York Television Club

[50:33] It wasn't much of a festival

[50:37] When it was the New York Television Festival, I think the onion gave it

[50:41] Yeah, and that's at least an a-minus cartoon. They I mean the thing is, you know, they send out

[50:47] They send out one person to see these things, you know, if that doesn't hit with that one person, you know

[50:51] Like that's the score for forever

[50:54] And Steve Heisler did not like it and it was shattering because I do I love the onion AV Club in general

[51:01] I think they're a great publication with some yeah trenchant

[51:05] Good analysis because you were sitting in the back of the theater during the screening like laughing really loudly

[51:11] I'm going cigarette butts at people

[51:14] You're loving this

[51:17] But um, no, I mean this is this is the redemption that I needed from the onion like some some freelancer

[51:23] I'm a non full-time staffer telling me that they tear down the guy who liked your work. No, I

[51:29] Genuinely appreciate

[51:34] I'm very excited. This was gonna be your Red Dead Redemption. This is my Red Dead Redemption and

[51:40] And

[51:42] I want to I want to fucking award for that at the New York TV festival in your face Steve. Hi

[51:46] Yeah, you won for one cartoon. I won the animation. So yeah

[51:51] So suck it. You earned it, dude

[51:55] It's your flamingo fest

[51:57] 2002

[51:59] I mean just you haven't got all your award. Dan is on burn Brit is on a bridge burning

[52:05] mode right now

[52:07] If anyone from the AV Club, I'm glad about this podcast, please do I'm glad we know I'm glad we have the kids are

[52:14] All right homosexuality things, you know, I yeah, I know how Dan feels about others

[52:19] I'm glad that I'm glad that we have a pocket of support over at the AV Club. I didn't realize that there were

[52:25] we're being passed between

[52:27] Freelancers over there like a doobie in the SNL offices in the 70s like old

[52:32] like old

[52:33] Prank phone call tapes. Yeah, no offense normal fans, but you're not as good as people that are in the business. Yeah

[52:44] Anymore media media elites

[52:46] to sing our praises

[52:48] Has anyone ever submitted a cartoon to the New Yorker where someone's setting fire to Bo and Jeff Bridges?

[52:54] And it's a basically something about burning a couple bridges

[52:58] Truck in celebrity care nobody see nobody steal that idea

[53:02] This is my ticket

[53:05] Push the top of the dagger and you can get your idea back. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right

[53:08] What did you call it Stewart the funny button funny button? You just tickle the funny button and you go back in time

[53:13] It's awesome

[53:14] So now is the point where we quickly do a few recommendations of movies that we actually enjoyed

[53:21] That were not Prince of Persia

[53:23] So do you have something that you enjoyed?

[53:27] Yeah, last night. I watched

[53:30] catfish

[53:32] which was is a documentary and I don't actually want to talk too much about it, but um, I felt that it was a

[53:41] interesting and I guess kind of telling portrait of how people kind of interact with each other through Facebook and

[53:49] What Facebook and social networking sites have kind of done to human interaction?

[53:54] Both by making it public and also by kind of alienating people from each other. Mm-hmm. So it's worth watching

[54:02] So, all right

[54:03] Well on that note, I'll talk about I saw another documentary of this last year that got a lot of

[54:12] good

[54:13] press and that was

[54:15] Slower and more drawn-out. I was Joan Rivers a piece of work, which I enjoyed speaking of the Oscars

[54:22] my main association with Joan Rivers has been her being a horrible person on the red carpet and

[54:30] And that was all I thought of her and I was I was perfectly fine thinking of her as being terrible and then I saw

[54:37] this documentary that humanized her and

[54:40] It was very interesting

[54:41] and it was an interesting portrait of of

[54:44] a comedian who's still at work as someone who

[54:48] Knows a lot of stand-up, but doesn't really do stand-up himself

[54:52] It was interesting on that level too, and I liked a lot

[54:56] I'm

[54:57] Speaking of Joan Rivers. I'd like to thank the Wii Network for

[55:02] ruining a

[55:04] broadcast of the cutting-edge

[55:05] Which I was watching with my wife with with TV Sweeney every with TV Sweeney every

[55:12] Every knows before Valentine's Day every

[55:14] 10 seconds or so a tiny animated Joan Rivers would pop up in the bottom of the screen to tell you her show was gonna

[55:21] Be on on Tuesday, which was three or four days after this aired

[55:26] And a tiny Melissa Rivers would then pull her off the screen this happened constantly

[55:31] So it was impossible not to be reminded of Joan Rivers existence even while watching the cutting-edge movie. She has nothing to do with

[55:37] And I will recommend not a documentary. In fact the exact opposite

[55:44] The perhaps I'm gonna recommend one of the most historically inaccurate movies I can recommend but a very fun one

[55:51] Called the return of Frank James

[55:54] Which is the sequel to the movie Jesse James Jesse James came out in late 30s return of Frank James is from 1940

[56:00] But it's in color, so don't worry it looks

[56:02] it's Fritz Lang's first color movie, and I think his first Western as a director and

[56:07] Henry Fonda returns as Frank James to get revenge on the men who killed his brother Jesse James in the first movie don't have to

[56:14] Watch the first movie. I like this one more than the first movie

[56:17] Just skip Jesse James and go straight to the return of Frank James, which is this great fast-moving

[56:24] Western that is totally inaccurate and

[56:28] Also has a courtroom scene where every character gets up and talks about how great the South was in the Civil War and it is

[56:35] Ridiculously incorrect everything this they're like and but there's the characters are so

[56:41] Goofy that you got that it's okay even for someone like me whose heart still burns with the Union cause

[56:48] So he's saying that we're racists

[56:50] Yeah, basically

[56:52] No, no, I'm the non-racist Dan's the racists

[56:59] For hands you're also the leader

[57:03] The horrible leader but uh

[57:06] Henry Fonda in the return of Frank James, it's really good. So I don't need to see the first one

[57:11] Don't go see just like the Matrix movies

[57:15] Do I need to see like the Rambo movies

[57:18] Do I need to see?

[57:20] Jesse James meets a Brooklyn gorilla before this that's you're thinking of Bela go see me

[57:26] James versus Frankenstein's daughter Jesse James meets Frankenstein's daughter

[57:30] You don't need to watch it though, or Billy the Kid versus Dracula don't need to watch that either

[57:34] In fact, never watch those because they're really boring

[57:39] But a robot monster though also boring a good one

[57:43] Don't watch that. It's gonna watch belly. She means we don't watch reptile. It's

[57:48] Don't watch the snake man

[57:50] Don't actually watch rat Finko boo-boo because it's crazy

[57:53] and it has that rat Finko boo-boo is is the low-budget movie whose title was created by a typo and

[58:01] And and has a long scene where someone is following

[58:05] Sexy woman while she's walking and you just keep seeing shots of her ass

[58:09] Walking away from you and you start it goes from that's a hot woman. I like watching this, too

[58:14] I feel really weird watching this like I feel like a creep

[58:18] All right, so Elliot's recommendation was the incredibly strange creatures

[58:25] My recommendation is the return of Frank James, okay, so guys

[58:30] We've had a good time despite watching Prince of Persia

[58:33] You know what because friendship can bring us through any etc. That's the moral

[58:38] Even when friends are mean to each other say hurtful things. We can apologize and make up because there's a friendship and a love there. Yeah

[58:47] You know, we're gonna sing a song of friendship after we get off

[58:49] But right now right now, I'll sing the Flophouse ending song if you want, okay had some laughs had some time

[58:56] Film for all and then a rhyme

[59:01] Flophouse Flophouse Flophouse

[59:05] Tuna

[59:07] Thanks everyone, I've been Dan McCoy I've been Stuart Wellington. I unfortunately I'm still a late Kalen. Good night

[59:22] Just letting us settle in

[59:26] Apple juice

[59:30] Rum DMC

[59:34] Did I imagine you should set hilarity to awesome

The Flop House: Episode #75 - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

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