The Flop House: Episode #74 - Valentine's Day

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Turn the lights down low, grab a bottle of wine, and cuddle up to your marital sex aid doll of Stuart Wellington.

[0:08] Cause tonight the Flophouse is taking on Valentine's Day.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:43] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:45] Yay!

Elliott Kalan

[0:47] We're back!

[0:48] Here.

[0:49] Yep, we're back again. The original threesome, except not the original threesome.

[0:53] The twosome threesome.

[0:54] Yep, the original peaches.

[0:57] Three guys named Moe.

[0:59] Tony, Tony, Tony.

[1:00] So we watched the movie Threesome tonight.

[1:02] Naked Gun 33 and a third.

Dan McCoy

[1:06] The three...

[1:07] Caballeros.

[1:09] Yeah, there you go.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11] What's going on?

[1:12] Tracy Brace.

[1:13] I don't know.

[1:14] Tracy Morgan.

[1:16] Oh man, no, I'm not gonna help you guys out with your riffing.

[1:21] 3PO.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24] 3PO.

[1:26] Triple threat.

Dan McCoy

[1:28] We're here recording in my apartment on a Friday.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32] Thanks for setting the byline.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] Sure.

[1:34] My wife's out of town.

[1:36] So anything can happen.

[1:37] You know, that means anything goes.

[1:39] This is a bachelor weekend for me.

[1:41] So what are you guys gonna do for my bachelor party?

Elliott Kalan

[1:45] No, you don't get a bachelor party.

[1:46] I'm pretty sure I do.

[1:47] That's not how that works.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] Did your wife give you a hall pass?

[1:52] I was gonna accidentally give a horse some cocaine.

[1:54] There's no strings attached. I know that.

Dan McCoy

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:56] I don't know about a hall pass, but...

[1:58] What about the roommate?

[2:00] Yes.

[2:01] Yes.

[2:02] She agreed that if I could convince either Leighton Meester or Minka Kelly to become my roommate,

[2:08] that I could sleep with them.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] Okay.

[2:10] How's that going so far?

Dan McCoy

[2:12] Not well, but Leighton or Minka, if you're out there.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] Dan, I'm sorry.

[2:16] The offer's open.

[2:17] My diagnosis is that you have a Leighton Meester.

[2:22] This should have come into play when you were young.

[2:25] For whatever reason, it just didn't develop until this advanced stage.

[2:28] Diagnosis Meester.

[2:29] Anyway, you were saying, Stuart, about Dan Fash the Weekend?

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] Oh, yeah.

[2:34] You know, I was gonna trick a bunch of women into going to an all-male review and accidentally

[2:40] have a dude put his wiener in a hot dog bun.

Dan McCoy

[2:45] There would be a donkey show for some reason and no one would think that was all that weird.

[2:50] Yeah.

[2:50] No, that's normal.

[2:51] And there'd be a punch-out in front of a 3D movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Yeah, is that okay if we do that in your apartment?

[2:55] Sure.

[2:55] And then years later, you would win two back-to-back Best Actor Academy Awards.

[2:59] Amazing.

Dan McCoy

[3:00] Sounds great.

[3:00] Let's do it, guys.

[3:01] Okay.

[3:02] All right.

[3:02] Well...

[3:03] That's been the fun.

[3:04] I'll get on the horn.

[3:08] This has perhaps been the silliest opening that we've had yet.

Elliott Kalan

[3:12] Well, we've got to exercise our hatred for what we just watched.

[3:15] Exorcise.

[3:16] Exorcise.

[3:17] Or exercise.

[3:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:18] Yeah, I mean, you could exercise it.

[3:21] Take it to the gym.

[3:22] Get a perfect push-up or perfect set-up.

Elliott Kalan

[3:24] Set-up.

[3:27] Patent pending.

[3:28] Valentine's Day.

[3:29] That's what we watched.

[3:30] We watched a movie called Valentine's Day.

[3:32] Seasonal.

[3:33] Now, normally, knowing the Flophouse, you'd think this was a horror movie based around Valentine's

[3:37] Day.

[3:38] Yeah.

[3:38] Nope.

Stuart Wellington

[3:38] That's what I was kind of led to believe, to be honest.

Dan McCoy

[3:41] Like My Bloody Valentine.

[3:43] Yes.

[3:44] But no.

[3:44] Oh, yeah.

[3:45] Or...

[3:46] April Fool's Day.

[3:49] Oh!

[3:51] Yeah, no, but that's not Valentine's Day related.

[3:53] That would be stereo if I had the ability to separate the tracks.

[3:57] Okay.

[3:58] Wait.

[3:58] Should we say it again?

[3:59] But...

[3:59] No, it doesn't help.

[4:00] Oh, good.

[4:01] Or Arbor Day, the movie.

[4:03] Yeah.

[4:04] Uncle Sam?

[4:05] That horror movie, Secretary's Day.

[4:08] That horror movie, Secretariat.

[4:11] Yeah.

[4:12] Yeah.

[4:13] Anyway, so this was a star-studded film.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] Oh, everyone in it was a star.

[4:16] There were no extras or bit players.

[4:19] Yeah.

[4:19] Everyone was a star.

[4:20] From Kathy Bates...

[4:22] To Kristen Schaal.

[4:23] To Kristen Schaal.

[4:25] To a mention of Frank Zappa.

[4:27] Everyone from A to Z.

[4:28] Jessica Alba to a brief reference to Frank Zappa.

[4:31] Everyone.

Dan McCoy

[4:33] Hector Alessandro...

[4:35] ...to...

[4:35] ...

Dan McCoy

[4:35] ...

[4:36] ...

Dan McCoy

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[4:37] ...

Elliott Kalan

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[4:38] ...

Elliott Kalan

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[5:07] ...

Elliott Kalan

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Dan McCoy

[5:09] ...

[5:10] ...

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Dan McCoy

[5:11] ...

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Dan McCoy

[5:14] ...

[5:15] ...

Dan McCoy

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[5:17] This movie had a lot of Flophouse alums.

Elliott Kalan

[5:20] Yeah, that's right.

[5:21] Ashton Kutcher.

[5:22] Ashton Kutcher.

Dan McCoy

[5:24] The two Jessicas, Beal and Alba were in it.

[5:27] Yeah.

[5:27] Powerhouse.

[5:28] Al Beal.

[5:28] Together they become Al Beal.

[5:29] Your buddy Anne Hathaway?

Elliott Kalan

[5:31] Yeah.

[5:32] Yep.

[5:32] Your pal.

[5:33] As mentioned, my best friend from high school, Anne Hathaway.

[5:35] Maid of Honor.

[5:36] My actual friend, Kristen Shaw, was in it in one scene.

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:40] Oh, who else was in it?

[5:41] Taylor Swift.

Dan McCoy

[5:41] One of the few non-painful things.

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] Taylor Swift and Taylor Werewolf from the Twilight movies.

Stuart Wellington

[5:46] Taylor Lautner.

[5:47] Yeah, another alum.

[5:50] And also, we managed to get both Jamie Foxx and Jessica Beal to reprise their characters

[5:56] from stealth.

[5:57] You think that they were the same characters?

[5:58] Yeah, of course.

[5:59] Yeah, stealth was a prequel or sequel to Valentine's Day?

[6:02] It was happening at the same time.

Dan McCoy

[6:04] They didn't mention their past as members of the military, soldiers, so I think that they

Stuart Wellington

[6:12] probably enlisted.

[6:13] Do you think it's a prequel?

Dan McCoy

[6:14] Yeah.

[6:15] Well, also, I don't...

[6:16] There was no indication that there was sentient aircraft technology in this film, so that probably

[6:22] was...

[6:22] Yeah, that's a good point.

[6:23] People take it for granted.

Elliott Kalan

[6:24] Oh, also Jennifer Garber and Patrick Dumsey was in this.

[6:30] There were a lot of stars in this movie.

[6:33] McDreamy and McSteamy were both in it.

Dan McCoy

[6:35] Both of the mix.

[6:37] Seems like they would have found room for me, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[6:39] Oh, and Julia Sloberts.

[6:42] Okay.

[6:42] Julia...

[6:43] Now it's just Mad Magazine.

Elliott Kalan

[6:45] And the guy who looked like Tim Conway but wasn't.

[6:48] Just because I can't pronounce...

Dan McCoy

[6:50] Hector Elizondo.

Elliott Kalan

[6:52] It's not Elizondo.

[6:54] There's no R in his name.

[6:56] Elizondo.

[6:57] Okay.

[6:58] And George Lopez.

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:01] All is also in it.

[7:02] Oh, that's funny.

[7:03] Jorge Lopez.

Stuart Wellington

[7:05] And some kids.

[7:06] Guy who looked like Tim Conway but wasn't.

[7:09] It was actually how they listed him in the credits, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] That's the name he's listed as.

[7:14] Not as a character.

[7:15] That's his actor's name.

Dan McCoy

[7:16] And then, of course, there was Romeo whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] Well, there was a radio personality named Romeo Midnight who runs the drive time through late night shift.

[7:27] He is on air all day.

Dan McCoy

[7:29] Yeah.

[7:29] He's like Jamie Foxx who's apparently broadcasting all Valentine's Day related news all day.

[7:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:36] And there was a guy who looked like Matt Frewer kind of.

[7:37] But it wasn't him.

[7:39] Do you think that Romeo...

[7:40] It might have been.

[7:40] Do you think Romeo Midnight was a celebrity voice actor?

Dan McCoy

[7:44] Do you think that he...

Elliott Kalan

[7:44] I don't know because the thing is this movie is so L.A.

[7:48] There's so much L.A. in it.

[7:49] You're constantly seeing L.A. sites like all its ugly buildings.

[7:52] Yeah.

[7:53] And its terrible places that tourists go to.

[7:56] You're seeing...

[7:56] And cars.

[7:57] I was out in L.A. this summer.

[7:59] Everyone's driving.

[8:00] I had such a great time.

[8:01] There's all these tourists.

[8:02] There's a star tour.

Stuart Wellington

[8:03] If there's some Hollywood agents aren't listening, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[8:05] No, no.

[8:06] If anyone would like me to move out there and write for their television show, I would love it.

Dan McCoy

[8:10] Well, I would love it.

[8:11] But I have to say that the one thing...

[8:12] Preferably a Mike and Molly type vehicle.

[8:14] I'm so cold.

[8:15] Something with heart.

[8:16] I just like that kind of cast.

[8:16] Something with heart.

[8:17] I do have a lot of fat jokes that I've been looking for an outlet for.

[8:20] Fat jokes?

Stuart Wellington

[8:21] Not cool, dude.

[8:22] Yeah, come on.

[8:23] They can't control the day.

[8:24] Normal-sized people can't have a romance nowadays on TV?

[8:26] Yeah.

[8:27] Does everyone have to be a toothpick with boobs on them?

Dan McCoy

[8:29] Yeah.

[8:30] No, but if there's one thing I actually enjoyed about this movie, it was revisiting my trip

[8:34] to L.A.

[8:35] I was like, oh, those are places that I have been.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] This does feel like a travelogue of L.A.

[8:38] Like, Gary Marshall was like, well, if I've seen it on a drive sometime, it's got to be

[8:43] in the movie.

[8:44] So there's the Hollywood sign.

[8:46] Gary Marshall.

[8:47] Oh, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[8:48] Well, this is Gary Marshall.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] I'm not making my movie Valentine's Day.

[8:53] It doesn't.

[8:54] Elliot's mom is a big fan of my movies.

[8:56] Okay.

[8:58] Well, I mean, it's an impression of someone.

[8:59] I'm luckily not a fan of her son's podcast.

[9:02] Nope.

[9:02] Doesn't listen to it.

[9:03] Doesn't know it exists.

[9:04] Okay.

[9:05] I'll try it.

[9:05] Much like your wife.

[9:06] I'll try to do another Gary Marshall.

[9:07] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[9:09] This is Gary Marshall.

[9:11] How about that one?

[9:13] It's more of like an Igor kind of character.

[9:15] Okay.

[9:15] Well, what about this?

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] Yeah.

[9:17] Gary Marshall, see?

[9:18] Yeah.

[9:19] Edward G. Robinson.

[9:20] Yeah.

[9:20] I co-created Happy Days.

[9:22] Yeah, see?

[9:23] I don't think so.

Stuart Wellington

[9:24] No, I like that one.

[9:24] I thought that was pretty accurate.

[9:26] Okay.

[9:26] I don't have anything to base it on, but.

[9:28] All right.

Dan McCoy

[9:29] I mean, he is more of like a.

[9:31] What about this?

Elliott Kalan

[9:32] Is it Gary Marshall here?

[9:34] Oh, born in London.

Dan McCoy

[9:36] That's more of a James Mason sort of.

[9:38] I was going for Ronald Coleman.

[9:39] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[9:41] Okay.

[9:42] You know what time it is, guys.

[9:43] James Mason would be more like this, I suspect.

Elliott Kalan

[9:45] I would think that this is more of a James Mason.

Stuart Wellington

[9:49] He always sounds tired.

Elliott Kalan

[9:52] Joseph A. Banks.

Stuart Wellington

[9:53] James, must we, Mr. Kaplan?

[9:56] Okay.

[9:57] So, you know, we've been doing some great impressions.

[10:00] Great voice work.

[10:01] Some great voice work.

[10:02] Hilarious.

[10:03] This is our real.

[10:04] We're trying to.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] Cowabunga, dude.

[10:07] I'm Gary Marshall.

[10:09] How about that?

[10:10] Sure.

[10:11] Radical pizza.

[10:12] Gary Marshall.

[10:13] You got it.

[10:14] That's who?

[10:15] Dead on.

[10:16] Billy Crystal?

[10:16] I love Michelangelo.

[10:18] Oh.

[10:18] Michelangelo.

[10:19] The painter.

[10:19] The painter and sculptor.

[10:21] Yeah.

[10:21] Okay.

[10:21] I loved Gary Marshall movies.

[10:23] Yeah.

[10:23] Who?

Stuart Wellington

[10:23] He was known for his Gary Marshall impression.

[10:25] So, you know, I think our audience.

[10:28] Good evening.

[10:29] I'm Gary Marshall.

[10:31] Right now our audience is like, what's this movie about, Elliot?

[10:35] Summarize it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:35] Well, Valentine's Day is in the new tradition that.

[10:39] You have to tell it in chronological order.

[10:40] I cannot tell it in chronological order.

[10:44] Valentine's Day is in the new tradition of omnibus movies of interweaving storylines.

[10:48] So you've got a bunch of-

[10:49] Your crashes.

[10:50] Your shortcuts.

[10:51] Your-

[10:51] Crash.

[10:52] Your shortcuts.

[10:53] Babel.

[10:54] Your Nashville's.

[10:55] Nashville.

[10:56] Except where-

[10:57] That's an older one.

[10:58] Where like a Robert Altman-

[10:59] Magnolia.

[11:00] Magnolia's.

[11:01] Wherever-

[11:01] Where Robert Altman would do it very well, Gary Marshall fails to pull it off properly.

[11:05] Love actuallys.

[11:06] Your love actually-

[11:07] Your loves actually.

[11:09] Yeah.

[11:09] It's like Attorney's General Stewart.

[11:11] Sure.

[11:13] There's a lot of different weaving stories.

[11:14] They all take place on Valentine's Day, 2010.

[11:18] And I've assumed-

[11:19] The sexiest day of the year.

[11:20] Right?

[11:21] Yep.

[11:21] The day when everyone feels the pressure to do something and to have a Valentine.

[11:25] But what do the single people do?

[11:27] Well, we'll see, right?

[11:28] We saw in the movie.

[11:29] We saw in the movie, yeah.

[11:30] That's true.

[11:30] So you have about 400,000 different characters.

[11:33] They all know each other in different ways.

Dan McCoy

[11:35] They all are still getting introduced in the movie about 40 percent.

Elliott Kalan

[11:39] Every time you think you've figured out who the characters are, there's a scene with another

[11:43] new character in it.

[11:45] And the thing about this movie is like usually your crashes or your babels, they're all about

[11:50] how people who don't know each other-

[11:53] It's Babel.

[11:54] Your Babsels.

[11:55] Yeah.

[11:55] You're going to pronounce it wrong.

[11:56] It's Babel, I think.

[11:58] Anytime.

[11:58] Your Alessandros.

[11:59] Yeah.

[12:00] These movies are always about how people who don't know each other-

Stuart Wellington

[12:04] Crash was the one about having sex with car crash victims, right?

[12:07] That's the first crash.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] I'm talking about the second crash.

[12:09] The one everyone hated that won Best Picture.

[12:10] They made a sequel to that crash movie with James Spader?

[12:12] It was called Crash 2, Crash in It.

[12:14] Okay.

[12:15] And it was about James Spader decides he wants to have sex with a plane.

[12:19] Okay.

[12:20] He's through his cars.

[12:21] Cars, he's lost the thrill.

[12:22] He builds an Iron Man suit.

[12:24] It's pretty good, unfortunately-

Stuart Wellington

[12:25] It sounds really good, and it won Best Picture, right?

[12:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] Unfortunately, Crash 3, Underwater Crash, where he falls in love with a submarine, has yet

[12:32] to be made.

[12:32] The screenplay is great.

[12:34] They've not produced it yet.

[12:35] A lot of trouble getting James Spader on board.

[12:37] Sure.

[12:38] Because he's so busy doing whatever he does.

[12:39] MGM is having trouble.

Dan McCoy

[12:40] He's too busy slowly bloating.

[12:43] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[12:44] Anyway, the thing about those movies is usually it's about people who don't know each other

[12:47] and the way-

[12:48] Like, strange ways that lives intersect, people from different strata of society coming into

[12:53] contact with each other, the strange similarities or differences that people have.

[12:58] No.

[12:59] This is about people who all know each other.

[13:01] They're all related in different ways or friends.

[13:04] It's still incredibly coincidental and unbelievable that they all happen to meet up with each

[13:09] other on Valentine's Day in different ways.

Stuart Wellington

[13:11] That's the thing.

[13:11] You know, like, even in a big town like L.A., like, it's such a small world.

[13:15] You keep running into all the same folks.

[13:17] They all know each other.

[13:18] Now, it opens with-

[13:19] It's the information age, I think.

Dan McCoy

[13:21] Like a social network.

[13:22] Yeah, you just gotta take a little side trip from L.A. to Burbank, go into Disneyland,

[13:27] and what you'll learn is it's a small world after all.

Elliott Kalan

[13:31] Even though it is a-

[13:32] Oh, yeah.

[13:32] Mm-hmm.

[13:33] L.A. is a small town where everyone knows each other, even though a cab ride between neighborhoods

[13:37] will cost you about $75 on average.

[13:40] Yeah.

[13:41] Well-

[13:41] So anyway, the film-

[13:43] What is it, like Tokyo or something?

[13:46] Yes.

[13:47] The film opens with a little introductory voiceover by Romeo Midnight, radio star, to explain

[13:54] to us that it is Valentine's Day because the title was not enough context.

[13:58] Ashton Kutcher then wakes up-

Stuart Wellington

[14:00] And the ad campaign.

[14:01] I mean, people know what they're getting into.

[14:03] No, people don't-

Elliott Kalan

[14:04] You would buy a ticket with a big question mark on it.

[14:06] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[14:07] The ticket's shaped like a heart, though, right?

Elliott Kalan

[14:08] No.

[14:09] Well, it is, but it's shaped like an anatomical heart.

Stuart Wellington

[14:11] Okay.

[14:11] People who-

[14:12] Actually, people think it's a block.

Elliott Kalan

[14:13] A lot of people thought it was one of the Saw movies.

[14:15] Yeah.

[14:15] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[14:16] People actually ordering tickets for that movie would go to the ticket taker and be like,

[14:19] I would like one for that movie with all of those stars that are marginally successful,

[14:26] but you put them all together and it creates such a driving, like, gravitational force.

[14:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:31] Marginally successful stars like Julia Roberts.

[14:33] She is barely-

Stuart Wellington

[14:33] Academy Award winner, Jamie Foxx.

[14:36] Or Jamie Foxx.

[14:37] And recording star.

[14:38] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] A lot of triple threats in here.

[14:41] Jamie Foxx, Taylor Swift.

[14:44] Jessica Biel, who's hilarious.

[14:45] And beautiful.

[14:48] That's a double threat right there.

[14:49] Yeah, she's a modern-day Carol Lombard.

[14:52] That's for the elderly listeners.

[14:55] Like Elliot.

[14:57] So Ashton Kutcher wakes up his girlfriend, Jessica Alba, by proposing to her.

[15:01] She says yes.

[15:02] Who wouldn't?

[15:02] He's a dreamboat.

[15:03] He also is a successful florist running a sienna flower shop.

[15:08] That's the name of it.

[15:09] Okay.

[15:09] Then there, I don't, don't try to get me to explain the order because you're intersecting stories.

[15:14] It's very complicated.

[15:15] But you've got Jamie Foxx as a sports reporter for the local news who also somehow has been hit with the assignment to cover Valentine's Day for the day.

[15:24] His boss is Kathy Bates.

[15:26] She has two scenes.

Dan McCoy

[15:27] He also works with Jessica Biel and Queen Latifah, right?

[15:30] No.

Elliott Kalan

[15:30] Jessica Biel is the personal assistant of a football player played by McSteamy.

[15:36] I don't know his real name.

[15:37] No one does.

[15:38] McSteamy?

[15:40] Yeah.

[15:41] Yeah.

[15:41] Gareth McSteamy.

[15:44] Famous Scottish thespian.

[15:45] Yeah.

[15:46] Of Clan Kellogg.

[15:47] And he, and Queen Latifah is McSteamy's agent.

[15:54] McSteamy is a professional football player who wants, whose team wants to get rid of him for some reason.

[15:58] I don't remember what it is.

[15:59] And who puts off the advances of his sexy neighbors.

[16:03] Three sexy ladies who I'm sure would have sex with him.

[16:06] Should I reveal what it is?

[16:08] Yeah.

[16:08] Why not?

[16:08] Later he announces he's gay.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:10] Oh, that's why.

[16:12] He's a gay professional football player, which I'm sure will have no impact on his career later on.

[16:17] Very brave.

[16:17] Anyway, who else is in it?

[16:19] Anne Hathaway is a part-time.

[16:21] Yeah, your buddy.

[16:22] She's Queen Latifah's new assistant, or she's a temp maybe who's filling in for Queen Latifah's assistant.

[16:27] But she's also moonlights as a phone sex operator who gets calls on her personal cell phone and the office phone.

[16:35] At all hours.

[16:36] At all hours of the day.

Dan McCoy

[16:37] With personalized phone ringtones.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] Every caller has a personalized ringtone and gets a different accent from Anne Hathaway.

Stuart Wellington

[16:45] Allowing your pal to just show off her full range.

Dan McCoy

[16:48] Well, yeah.

[16:49] It's like a Peter Sellers type role.

[16:50] It's like if June 4A ran a sex line.

Elliott Kalan

[16:53] That's for all you baby boomers out there, that June 4A reference.

[16:56] Well, I figured if you could do it, Elliot, I could jump in.

[16:58] If June 4A ran a phone sex line, the only voices would be old grandma or flying squirrel.

[17:04] Hey, big boy.

[17:05] I can't do it.

[17:06] We're talking Tina, the doll from that Twilight Zone episode.

[17:09] She, Anne Hathaway, has been going out for a couple weeks with Topher Grace, who works in the mail room of a building.

[17:14] The same building that everybody else works in.

[17:17] This is like Saved by the Bell where everyone lived in the school and didn't have homes.

[17:21] Everyone kind of lives in their offices.

[17:22] Topher Grace does –

Dan McCoy

[17:23] I put a whole new spin on Saved by the Bell, right, by the way.

[17:26] Don't let the boxcar children.

[17:27] Because imagine them like bunking down in the boiler room.

[17:29] They've got like hammocks and bunk beds.

Elliott Kalan

[17:31] They've got to hide there to make sure that Mr. Belding doesn't find them and kill them.

[17:34] Yeah.

[17:34] It's like the movie Emperor of the North Pole.

[17:36] Wow.

[17:38] If they get found, then Mr. Belding hits them with the giant wrench he carries.

Dan McCoy

[17:41] I've got to go back and re-watch that series because I missed so much the first time around.

Elliott Kalan

[17:44] There's a lot of subtext there.

[17:46] Anyway.

[17:46] Is that what happened to Miss Bliss?

[17:47] Listen, I have 80 more characters to introduce.

[17:51] Good morning, Miss Bliss.

[17:53] Hits her with a giant wrench.

[17:55] So Topher Grace has to find something to do for Valentine's Day with Anne Hathaway.

[17:58] He doesn't know she's a phone sex operator.

[18:00] Meanwhile, Ashton Kutcher's best friend is Jennifer Garner who is going out with Patrick Dempsey, McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy.

[18:09] But she doesn't know Patrick Dempsey is married.

[18:12] Ashton Kutcher finds –

[18:13] To a non-celebrity.

[18:14] To a non-celebrity, blonde lady.

[18:16] Ashton Kutcher finds this out because Patrick Dempsey comes to Ashton Kutcher's florist shop because Ashton Kutcher

[18:22] was interviewed on the news by Jamie Foxx.

[18:25] And he has to figure out whether he's going to tell his friend that she's dating a married guy.

Dan McCoy

[18:30] It's basically the whole plot to the whole film, The Dilemma.

[18:33] Shunted off to a –

[18:35] To 1-8th.

[18:35] 1-15th.

[18:37] 1-15th, yeah, of Valentine's Day.

Stuart Wellington

[18:39] Meanwhile, there's a –

[18:39] I mean it was clearly a really rich vein of comedy that could have been mined.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] There's a little kid, a young boy who buys flowers for his teacher, Jennifer Garner, because he has a crush on her.

[18:49] Where does he buy the flowers?

[18:50] Ashton Kutcher's flower shop.

[18:52] Meanwhile, that kid's grandparents were taking care of him because his mother is off somewhere.

[18:57] Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizandro don't do anything for a while until they find out that years ago, Shirley MacLaine had an affair.

[19:06] Hector Elizandro takes this badly.

[19:08] Meanwhile, the girl's babysitter is – is she a high school senior?

[19:13] She's either a high school senior or a college freshman.

[19:15] She's Emma Roberts.

[19:16] She's old enough to party is what we're saying.

Dan McCoy

[19:17] Julia Roberts is niece and you may remember her as Nancy Drew.

[19:24] I'm going to say clone.

[19:25] I'm going to say her clone that was accidentally let out.

[19:27] Wow.

[19:28] I think she's slightly prettier than Julia Roberts was as a young lady.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] Wow.

[19:32] Well, there goes Us Weekly's coverage of this podcast.

[19:35] Okay.

[19:36] There's no way for me to compare the two.

[19:37] I mean I'm not – I don't –

[19:38] Julia Roberts is –

[19:39] I don't find Julia Roberts –

[19:41] She's an unusual looking woman.

[19:43] She has a smile that takes up roughly five-sixths of her head and –

Dan McCoy

[19:47] Which is odd because I do find Anne Hathaway attractive.

[19:50] I know this for you.

Elliott Kalan

[19:50] Who also has – well, her smile only takes up three-fifths of her head.

[19:53] Okay.

[19:54] Anyway.

[19:55] Stuart.

[19:56] Still got a lot of plots to get through.

[19:57] Those boobs are bigger.

[19:59] Well, Anne Hathaway's, but let's go on.

[20:01] They have faces?

[20:03] So this kid's babysitter, Emma Roberts, has decided that this is the day she's going to have sex with her boyfriend for the first time.

[20:11] Hijinks ensue.

[20:11] The kid's cut, man.

[20:12] When he shows up in her bedroom naked playing guitar and her mother walks in on him.

[20:18] Awkward.

[20:18] That is the end of that plot line until the end of the movie when she reveals she's not ready to have sex yet.

[20:22] But her best friend, Taylor Swift, who's with Taylor Lautner –

Dan McCoy

[20:27] In the movie as she was in life.

Elliott Kalan

[20:30] They don't really have a plot.

[20:31] They just kind of make out and are in love.

Dan McCoy

[20:34] I think that they are – yeah.

[20:35] There's no actual story there.

[20:36] There's no conflict.

[20:37] Like they start the movie in love and they end the movie in love.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] Meanwhile, what other characters are there?

[20:43] Later on – okay.

[20:44] Topher Grace ends up –

Dan McCoy

[20:45] We briefly see George Lopez's wife.

[20:47] Oh, George Lopez.

[20:48] She has no lines.

[20:49] He's ninos.

Elliott Kalan

[20:50] George Lopez works for Eshton Kutcher.

Dan McCoy

[20:52] He's just there to – he would be the gay best friend in another film.

[20:56] He's the comic relief.

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] If there could have been a way for his voice to come out of a chihuahua's body, they would have done it.

[21:04] Have I left – oh, and meanwhile, there's an airplane where Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper are sitting –

[21:09] Are sitting next to each other.

[21:11] She's a soldier on leave from Iraq.

[21:13] Hard to believe, but yes.

[21:14] He is somebody.

[21:16] Somebody wearing a vest.

[21:17] Somebody dressed very well.

[21:19] This should be a clue for everyone at home.

[21:21] Dressed and dressed.

[21:22] And you think, are they going to hit it off?

[21:24] Are they not?

[21:25] He lets her use his chauffeur because she has flown 14 hours from Iraqistan war zone to L.A.

[21:31] To do something on Valentine's Day.

[21:33] To do something on Valentine's Day.

[21:34] We don't know what it is.

[21:35] Some lucky guy.

[21:36] It turns out at the end, the kid who had the crush on his teacher and then finds romance with an Indian girl, that it's his mom.

[21:45] It's like a slumdog millionaire.

[21:46] The very end of the movie is Ashton Kutcher finally getting together with Jennifer Garner who for some reason flies to San Francisco and then back to L.A.

[21:57] It doesn't make any – there's a lot of – it's basically just an excuse to have a joke about airport security.

[22:04] And Bradley Cooper, it turns out, is McSteamy's boyfriend.

[22:08] Oh, man.

[22:09] Also –

[22:10] Inverbelievably gay.

[22:11] A McSteamy couple.

[22:13] Also, Jessica Biel is throwing an anti-Valentine's Day party for people who hate Valentine's Day like her because she's single.

[22:19] She keeps on how she's single and she loves candy and that's why she can't get a man when she is gorgeous.

[22:26] But anyway –

Stuart Wellington

[22:27] In pretty good shape.

[22:29] Not a chocoholic's body.

Elliott Kalan

[22:31] I can tell you that.

[22:31] Yeah.

[22:32] And at the end, everyone comes to her party.

[22:34] Even people who we saw as like side characters in other scenes.

[22:38] Everyone comes to Rick's, which is an Indian restaurant with an anti-Valentine's Day party in it.

[22:42] And a wedding.

[22:43] And Jamie Foxx shows up.

[22:44] Jamie Foxx and her had a moment together when they fell over and a box of chocolates spilled all over them.

[22:49] Exploded basically.

[22:51] It's funny because she's holding a box of chocolates that's probably like three rows of chocolates by five rows of chocolates.

[22:57] And when it spills, like 3,000 chocolates come out of it.

Dan McCoy

[23:00] It's like the end of Goonies when like the dad tears up the contract and throws it up in the air.

[23:06] And then you can clearly see like people throwing extra paper on from the two sides of the –

Elliott Kalan

[23:11] My favorite one of those is the end of the movie Rookie of the Year where he pitches the ball to the pitcher and to the batter.

[23:19] And the batter hits it really high and they go to a shot of the ball flying through the air.

[23:23] And you can see at the bottom of the screen the hand throwing the ball in the air for the shot.

[23:28] Just very – so poorly framed and they didn't care.

[23:30] It's Rookie of the Year.

[23:32] And so Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx fall in love.

[23:37] The only people who don't fall in love in this movie are Kathy Bates.

[23:41] Sure.

[23:42] And George Lopez is already in love.

[23:45] He's married with children.

Stuart Wellington

[23:45] Queen Latifah intercepts a phone sex call and falls in love presumably.

Dan McCoy

[23:51] McDreamy goes to bed alone because he is a cheating bastard.

[23:54] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[23:55] And Jennifer Garner gets her revenge on McDreamy by being a waitress.

[24:00] She pretends to be a waitress when he's out at dinner with his wife and gives a long monologue about a dish that involves cutting off a pig's testicles and chopping them up and shoving them up the pig's ass.

[24:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:11] And there are a lot of wacky reaction shots from other diners.

[24:16] Everyone in the restaurant –

[24:16] Who would not like to have that dish.

[24:18] Or some who would.

Elliott Kalan

[24:19] Every time she says something, people in the restaurant turn and gasp at her.

[24:22] But it's like just stop being shocked after the first time.

[24:25] This is – and how did she pull off this ruse?

[24:28] It turns out –

Stuart Wellington

[24:29] She apparently projects really well too.

[24:30] Like everyone in the restaurant is hearing this.

[24:31] They probably thought it was like one of those restaurants where wacky stuff happens.

[24:35] Like a Jekyll and Hyde club.

[24:37] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] Her – the son of the host of the restaurant is a student in her class.

[24:44] So that's how she was able to do that.

Stuart Wellington

[24:46] So he let her fuck over his restaurant a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[24:49] Basically, in order to help her with her revenge plot, he convinced everyone in L.A. because they're all eating at that restaurant that his restaurant specializes in pig testicle dishes.

[24:58] Yeah.

[24:59] Oh, it is exhausting trying to – I think I left out seven or eight plot lines.

[25:04] You've done amazing by the way.

Dan McCoy

[25:07] We're almost to the end of the time allotted.

Elliott Kalan

[25:09] Just explaining the plot of this terrible movie.

[25:12] And it's so fake and dull and – it's like dull and exhausting.

[25:18] It's exhausting keeping up with it and boring.

[25:20] There's no reward for paying attention to it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:22] Okay.

[25:23] There's one funny joke.

[25:24] Yeah, this movie is basically just a collection of scenes that are basically unrelated.

[25:31] But were there any scenes at all that were memorable?

[25:34] Well, what's the one funny joke that you were thinking of?

Elliott Kalan

[25:37] The one funny joke I was thinking of is that Jamie Foxx is delivering his news story live on the air about McSteamy being a gay football player.

[25:44] Jamie Foxx is supportive.

[25:46] And he – Jessica Biel is in the studio somehow?

[25:51] And when he finishes talking, she starts clapping and then Kathy Bates looks at her and she stops because there's a live television show still going on.

[25:59] Just the idea of someone thinking it's okay to clap and then it turns out not to be okay.

[26:03] That was all right.

[26:04] I thought that was a funny joke.

Dan McCoy

[26:05] Yeah, her reaction was okay.

[26:06] I kind of –

Elliott Kalan

[26:08] Listen, explaining it doesn't sound very –

Dan McCoy

[26:10] I was vaguely amused by when Topher Grace reconciled with Anne Hathaway and then after the fact – after him reconciling with her.

[26:19] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[26:19] He broke up with her when he found out she was a phone sex operator.

[26:22] Yeah.

[26:22] Then when he's watching a movie in a graveyard with Hector Elizondo, he finds out that he should forgive her.

Dan McCoy

[26:29] It sounds weird when you say it that way.

[26:31] Look, they're in a cemetery watching a movie.

[26:33] Which is something that happens in L.A.

[26:35] I actually went to – but anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[26:36] Yeah, because they desecrate the dead.

[26:37] Sure.

[26:38] They have no respect for the people who made the town what it is.

Dan McCoy

[26:41] But yeah, after they've reconciled, a three-piece band including a guy with an accordion pop in the door behind Anne Hathaway behind her back.

[26:54] Who's embracing Topher Grace.

[26:55] Yeah, and Topher Grace gives them the cut it motion.

[26:58] Guys get out of here.

[26:59] And like they all look very disappointed and then leave again.

[27:02] And something about that kind of made me giggle.

[27:04] That was a funny joke.

[27:05] Stuart, is there anything?

Elliott Kalan

[27:06] That was like a joke you would see in a Muppet movie.

[27:08] Yeah.

[27:09] Nope.

[27:10] There's nothing at all.

[27:11] Nothing you liked.

[27:11] You didn't like any of the different phone sex voices or –

[27:14] No, those were okay.

[27:16] There were –

[27:17] The part where the teen gets caught naked by his girlfriend's mother.

[27:21] That's more up my alley.

Stuart Wellington

[27:22] Although, to be honest, I was kind of expecting him to have sex with the mother.

Elliott Kalan

[27:25] If this – maybe it's because of the amount of –

[27:28] This is not private lessons.

[27:29] It might be because –

[27:30] Of course it is not, sir.

[27:32] It might be because of the amount of softcore porn I know that all three of us have seen.

[27:35] But there was part of me that was like, oh, well, in that kind of movie, this is the part where he'd have sex with the mother.

[27:40] Yeah, it's like Valley Girl.

[27:41] But also like his –

[27:42] Wait, Valley Girl is not –

Stuart Wellington

[27:44] No, but there's a sequence like that in Valley Girl, right?

Elliott Kalan

[27:46] His response to her walking out on him is not to say, get out of the room so I can put my clothes back on.

[27:52] It is to keep approaching the mother who then yells at him to not come near her.

[27:56] Then he runs out of the room covered only by a guitar and then jumps in the conveniently passing car.

[28:02] After a tug of war with a pug.

[28:04] With a pug named Pushkin who wants to take his boxer shorts.

[28:08] He just – and he jumps in the conveniently passing car of his girlfriend.

[28:12] So now he is in his girlfriend's car nude holding a guitar.

[28:17] What's going to happen next?

[28:18] Nothing.

[28:19] That's the end of the scene.

[28:20] Everything's fine.

Dan McCoy

[28:21] They're going to take him down to Hollywood where he's going to take pictures with tourists.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] He's the new naked cowboy.

[28:26] Yeah.

[28:27] Oh, man.

[28:28] Yeah, this was –

[28:29] And his girlfriend is not shocked by seeing him naked.

[28:32] So I have to assume that they haven't had sex but maybe they've been giving each other handjobs or something.

[28:37] Yeah, of course.

[28:38] That's what the kids do.

[28:39] Giving each other a handjob.

Dan McCoy

[28:41] That's very Rushmore of you.

[28:42] Yeah, we've been giving each other a handjob.

[28:44] Yeah, I was in her car.

Stuart Wellington

[28:47] Maybe like dry humping or something.

[28:49] Sure.

[28:49] No, but dry humping you usually have some clothes on.

[28:52] Well, no.

[28:52] Maybe she's clothed and he isn't.

[28:55] Maybe.

[28:55] You know what?

[28:56] She's got like a catcher's thing.

Elliott Kalan

[28:58] I think –

[28:58] You know what it is?

[28:59] Because they like to reenact the cover of the double fantasy album where she's fully clothed and he's just naked hanging on her.

Dan McCoy

[29:06] She's not clothed but she is wearing like a full like fur suit to give him more pleasure when he's humping on her.

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] Oh, and also Taylor Swift carries an enormous stuffed bear with her everywhere.

[29:18] Yeah.

[29:18] And there's no scene in the movie that couldn't be made better by that bear getting up and walking around.

[29:24] She's walking away.

Stuart Wellington

[29:26] I'm out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[29:27] This is enough for me.

[29:29] It's a living.

[29:31] Oh, it's – not everyone's bad in the movie except Kristen Schaal who's very funny in her one scene.

[29:37] And –

[29:38] A delight.

[29:39] She's a delight as always and everyone else is not that good and the movie is not very good.

Stuart Wellington

[29:43] I would say – I'd give your pal Anne Hathaway a pass because she wasn't that bad.

[29:48] She at least like seemed to have some fun with her stupid voices.

Elliott Kalan

[29:51] Actually, when I say everyone's bad, I'm being very unfair.

[29:54] There are a few – there are a few okay performances.

[29:57] She does the – her timing is really good with the voices especially.

[30:00] Yeah.

[30:01] I think – actually, Anne Hathaway comes out very well in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[30:04] I can't say the same thing about this Ashton Kutcher fellow though.

Elliott Kalan

[30:08] He comes – every scene sounds like he does not know his lines and he's just making them up off the top of his head.

Dan McCoy

[30:13] I also feel like he's like sort of an ill-conceived character in the sense that like I think he's supposed to be like the Valentine's Day fairy.

[30:21] Like he loves romance and he's –

[30:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:24] He's Mr. Valentine's Day.

[30:26] Then he gets sad midway through and the kids have to remind him what Valentine's Day is all about.

Elliott Kalan

[30:31] Did I mention that the fiancé leaves him?

[30:34] I might have forgotten that.

[30:34] Jessica Alba leaves him because she's not ready to get married.

[30:37] Yeah.

[30:37] I mean he's pretty intense.

[30:38] She says, I love you but I'm not ready for this kind of commitment.

[30:42] The answer then is not for them to say, OK, let's put on the brakes and wait a little bit.

[30:45] It is for them to break up.

[30:47] Yeah.

[30:47] It doesn't make sense.

Stuart Wellington

[30:50] Well, deep down he wants to get married.

[30:52] He wants to get engaged that day and if she can't give it for him.

Elliott Kalan

[30:56] Oh, Larry Miller is in it too in one scene.

[30:58] Yeah.

[30:58] He comes off OK.

[30:59] Here's the – here's another thing.

[31:01] Larry Miller is a recalcitrant – he's – or what's the word?

[31:07] He's a reluctant –

[31:08] Irassable.

[31:09] Irassable guy at an airport ticket counter.

[31:11] Ashton Kutcher needs a ticket so that he can get to the gate to stop Jennifer Garner from getting on a plane to San Francisco that she's getting on for some reason.

[31:20] Because McDreamy, her boyfriend who's married, works at a hospital in San Francisco even though he lives in LA.

[31:25] Who the fuck knows?

[31:25] It doesn't make sense.

[31:26] The geography doesn't make sense.

Dan McCoy

[31:27] He's going off to Grey's Anatomy.

[31:29] Yeah, I guess so.

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] But so Ashton Kutcher needs a ticket.

[31:33] Larry Miller won't sell it to him because that's the desk for oversized luggage which exists somehow.

[31:39] But he wins Larry Miller over by telling him that Jennifer Garner is like Sunshine.

Dan McCoy

[31:44] Yeah.

[31:45] Then –

[31:45] Larry Miller – imagine the typical Larry Miller character and then imagine that character who does a 180 turn.

Elliott Kalan

[31:52] As long as he doesn't get raped by a giant hamster like he did in Nutty Professor 2 of the Clumps.

[31:57] That's OK.

[32:00] That was a family film in which a man is raped by a giant hamster.

[32:03] Sodomized by a hamster.

[32:05] It's also a movie in which the character is a chemistry teacher who manages to turn an animal gigantic and does not become famous or make any money off of this discovery.

[32:16] Really?

[32:17] You can make a chicken big enough to feed an entire village?

[32:20] Like why would you?

[32:21] Well, the meat is spoiled.

[32:23] He's overweight, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[32:24] No overweight scientist has ever been paid attention to.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] I forgot there's never been a successful overweight person ever.

Stuart Wellington

[32:30] This is a great –

[32:31] In Gremlins 2, doesn't a guy get raped by a gremlin?

[32:35] He actually seems to – he gives in.

Elliott Kalan

[32:37] He likes it.

[32:37] So it's like a rape fantasy.

[32:38] She is very –

Dan McCoy

[32:40] It's like the end of –

[32:42] She's very proactive.

[32:44] I'm like it hot.

[32:45] It is like the end of –

[32:45] Nobody's perfect.

Stuart Wellington

[32:46] What were you going to say?

[32:47] Like don't you fucking say it's like the end of 40 days and 40 nights, man.

Elliott Kalan

[32:51] Don't you fucking say it.

[32:52] OK.

[32:52] And here's the thing.

[32:55] And this is just a personal note from my life.

[32:56] Sure.

[32:57] Ashton Kutcher, he's too –

[32:58] Oh, he can't wait to go through security.

[33:00] It's taken too long.

[33:01] He took his shoes off already.

[33:02] So he just runs from security to the gate with no shoes on.

[33:05] I actually did this once in an airport because I was late for a flight.

[33:09] And so I didn't have time to put my shoes on.

[33:12] I was running through JFK.

[33:13] And I had blisters on my feet for days afterwards.

[33:16] So for him to just –

[33:17] I had blisters on me fingers.

[33:18] So for him to just be unscathed running to a gate I found very unrealistic.

[33:24] Also the fact that he runs a florist on Valentine's Day and he manages to deliver no flowers.

Dan McCoy

[33:29] Now they had just opened the new hot coals concourse when you did that though, Elliot.

[33:34] So that's different.

Elliott Kalan

[33:35] It was one of the most depressing moments because I'd get to the end of a hallway and I'd be like,

[33:39] OK, the gate has to be at the end of this hallway.

[33:42] I'd turn, just more hallway.

[33:44] Wow.

[33:44] That airport is enormous.

[33:45] But anyway.

[33:46] I think it was actually like a nightmare that you had.

[33:48] It was and then we missed the flight.

[33:50] It was terrible.

[33:50] Oh, man.

[33:52] That was the first Thanksgiving that I went to meet my now wife, then girlfriend's parents.

[33:57] I had met them before.

[33:57] This is the first time I was going to visit them for Thanksgiving.

[34:00] Air travel.

[34:01] Am I right, guys?

[34:01] Anyway, but Valentine's Day.

[34:03] What I'm saying is it's an unrealistic movie.

[34:05] And normally it wouldn't grate on me that the characters who have the very specific job are not doing that job.

[34:10] But this time Ashton Kutcher keeps talking about how he's a florist.

[34:13] He has all these florist jobs.

[34:15] He's got to deliver all these flowers.

[34:16] Never delivers any flowers.

Stuart Wellington

[34:17] One of his employees even calls him the best boss in the world.

[34:20] Yes.

[34:20] Which maybe is based on the fact that he's never doing his job.

Elliott Kalan

[34:23] He lets everyone goof off.

[34:25] It's just him and George Lopez just running errands.

[34:28] It's like an Empire Records sort of thing.

[34:29] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[34:30] This enormous record store where no one does any work or sells any records.

[34:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:35] Just the amount of maintenance and back stock they must go through in the stock room is enormous.

[34:41] But they just don't do that.

[34:44] Yep.

[34:45] Empire Records is the kind of record store where it's enormous.

[34:48] There's lots of customers.

[34:49] But everyone in the store can go hang out in the back room for 15 minutes to talk about them.

Stuart Wellington

[34:54] That's why they're going out of business.

Dan McCoy

[34:58] They can go put on aprons without any clothes.

[35:03] They can go shave their heads.

[35:05] Yep.

[35:06] You know.

Elliott Kalan

[35:06] Hang out on the roof and take their bras off.

[35:10] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[35:11] I don't remember the most.

[35:12] And glue quarters to the ground.

Elliott Kalan

[35:15] Take all the money from the till and take it to Vegas?

[35:19] These are all things that happen in the fire records.

Stuart Wellington

[35:22] Terrible movie.

[35:22] Thanks for making me relive it.

[35:24] Awful movie.

[35:24] Awesome.

[35:27] Yeah.

[35:28] I'd much rather just be watching The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[35:31] Well, who wouldn't want to watch The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure?

[35:34] With me.

Elliott Kalan

[35:34] There's so many things in that title.

[35:36] Japanese tourist character.

[35:37] Yep.

[35:38] And Willie Tull Assault.

[35:39] Number one.

[35:40] The only shaman.

[35:42] There's bikinis.

[35:42] It has the girl who can't keep her top on.

[35:45] She keeps losing it.

[35:46] Yeah.

[35:47] That's awesome.

[35:47] That's a dumb.

[35:48] That's a great movie.

[35:49] It takes a real genius to say they've made topless bikini movies.

[35:53] They've made movies about mystic Indians.

[35:55] Has there ever been a topless bikini movie with a mystic Indian in it?

Dan McCoy

[35:58] I guess what we're saying is all you couples out there, if you want a little romance this Valentine's Day.

[36:03] There's a little movie.

[36:04] There's a movie called The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[36:05] The Great Bikini Off-Road is an alien.

Elliott Kalan

[36:07] And there's no off-road adventure in the movie.

[36:09] Yes.

[36:10] They're just giving off-road tours.

[36:12] Yeah.

[36:12] It should be called The Great Bikini Tour Company.

[36:15] But what they're trying to do is –

[36:16] The Bikini Tour Guides.

[36:17] The name is right there.

Stuart Wellington

[36:18] They're trying to draw more like the people who are off-road adventure enthusiasts into potentially watching it and then – because they might not be interested.

Elliott Kalan

[36:26] People who like off-road adventures but don't like bikinis.

[36:28] Because you're saying that there isn't enough of a Lauren Hayes fan community to support that movie?

[36:34] Yeah.

[36:35] That's what I'm saying.

[36:36] What did I tell you, audience?

[36:37] A lot of soft core viewing in this.

[36:39] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[36:39] Well, let's wrap this segment up with our final judgments.

[36:45] Was this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you actually kind of like, Stuart?

[36:49] You're looking at me weird.

[36:52] I'm coming on to you because it's Valentine's Day.

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] It's not Valentine's Day.

Stuart Wellington

[36:55] No, it is because they're going to listen to it on Valentine's Day, right?

[36:58] That's when you're going to listen.

[36:58] I mean it means you would have held on –

[37:00] It's probably going to be released tomorrow.

[37:01] You would have held on to this recording for like ten days.

[37:03] Oh, that's weird.

[37:05] Just so it would drop on the right day.

[37:06] Yeah.

[37:07] You need maximum exposure.

[37:10] That's a good movie too.

[37:10] Maximum exposure.

[37:13] This movie was –

[37:14] The nakedest ladies on film.

[37:16] This movie was a bad, bad movie.

[37:18] There was – I mean, yeah, there was so many people in it and so many stupid little storylines.

[37:23] There was so many people in it.

Elliott Kalan

[37:24] Yeah, it just wasn't –

[37:26] I hate movies with so many people in it.

Stuart Wellington

[37:27] I mean I will give it credit that it went pretty quickly and theoretically like –

Elliott Kalan

[37:31] Give me a movie like Secret Honor.

[37:33] Now there's a perfect movie.

[37:33] Just one guy or Bug.

[37:36] Just two people.

Stuart Wellington

[37:40] So –

[37:41] I think you have three or four in Bug.

[37:42] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:43] Some minor characters.

Stuart Wellington

[37:44] I mean I guess if you're one of those guys who's like, oh, my girl always wants to watch these stupid movies.

[37:49] I guess this isn't that bad because it moves along pretty quickly and –

[37:52] Although it is over two hours long.

[37:55] Yeah, but that gives you plenty of time to try and cut a hole in the bottom of your popcorn thing to put your wiener through.

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] Or yawn and put your arm around her shoulder.

Stuart Wellington

[38:04] Yep.

[38:04] Or try and sneak your hand up her sweater.

[38:07] Okay.

[38:07] And then once you get mad, you just be like, baby, I'm kidding.

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] I actually said to Danielle today when I told her that we were seeing this.

[38:16] I said, why is it that I've seen no – the person who's supposed to make me see cheesy romance movies doesn't make me see any of them.

[38:24] But Dan and Stuart make me see so many of them.

[38:26] Yep.

[38:27] I hold you down.

[38:29] I thought this was –

[38:29] For putting the moves on you.

[38:30] I thought this was a good movie.

[38:32] I really enjoyed it.

[38:33] Turn around.

[38:34] No, I thought it was a bad, bad movie.

[38:36] This is one of those movies where the whole time I'm watching it, I cannot help but think about the money that went into making it and how much of a waste that –

[38:44] They could have made eight good movies for the price of this one movie probably.

[38:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:50] Yeah, you've said it all.

[38:52] There's nothing else I need to say.

[38:53] It's a bad, bad movie.

[38:54] I don't need to justify it to you people.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] Wow.

[38:58] Turn angry.

[38:59] You okay?

[39:00] No.

[39:00] Seems like you really took that one to heart.

[39:02] Well, Sarah's out of town.

[39:03] Valentine's Day, heart?

[39:05] It's a little tough for me.

[39:07] You heard Dan.

[39:07] It's hard for him when his wife's out of town.

[39:09] So if anyone wants to call him, just keep him company.

[39:11] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[39:11] Have some private lessons.

Elliott Kalan

[39:13] I know of a sex phone number you can call where –

[39:15] Ski school too.

[39:16] If anyone wants to ski school to me.

[39:18] They have a southern woman, a Russian woman, and a – what other voices does she do in this movie?

[39:23] What was it?

[39:24] Southern Russian.

[39:26] At one point she's talking about being a cat.

[39:29] No, that's not a nationality.

[39:31] That was southern.

[39:32] That was the southern voice?

[39:33] Okay.

[39:33] No, cat's a nationality.

[39:34] It's an ethnic group.

Dan McCoy

[39:36] All right.

[39:36] Well, I have a –

[39:38] A lot of letters, huh?

[39:39] I have a bursting –

[39:40] A bursting belly?

[39:43] I'm bursting Flophouse movie minute.

[39:44] It's alive.

[39:45] Movie mailbag tonight.

[39:48] And so there was a – there were a lot of responses to the issue of staying on topic versus going –

[39:57] Tangents?

[39:57] Tangents.

Elliott Kalan

[39:58] Well, we stayed on topic for a lot of this one.

[40:00] How did everybody like it?

Dan McCoy

[40:02] Tangents.

[40:02] We got a – there's too much to get into detail, but I'm going to run down –

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] Yeah, give us a summary.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] I'll give you a bunch of them at once here.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] I think I was talking so hard that I knocked my microphone aside just through pure talking.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] Wow.

[40:15] The power of your voice.

[40:16] It probably picked me up.

[40:17] I'm pretty loud.

[40:18] So, okay.

[40:20] We got one that says, the last few shows have been great.

[40:22] You should not stick to discussing these shitty films.

[40:25] The Pop Culture Free Association is what makes the show.

[40:27] Also, please keep the Flophouse house cat around.

[40:30] Cheers.

[40:32] It's cool, Flophouse house cat.

[40:35] Cheers, Max Power, Parmastan, Eastern Europe.

[40:39] That's obviously the pseudonym.

[40:41] No, it sounds like a real name.

[40:43] My humble opinion that the off-topic chatter is a staple of Flophouse.

[40:47] It composes the heart and soul of the program.

[40:50] And without it, all that would be left is a desiccated husk.

[40:53] Please keep making funny hook references.

[40:55] That's from Sean.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] My references to the movie hook or to Dan's hook hands?

Dan McCoy

[41:01] I don't want to think.

[41:03] We got one who says, if anyone doesn't like the rambling tangents,

[41:07] they should go listen to a serious podcast about bad movies,

[41:11] which is a podcast that should in no way exist.

[41:14] That seems very judgmental.

[41:16] If not for the fun filler, lists cat noises and sighs and celebrity name dropping.

[41:21] Cat noises.

[41:21] Rest size discussions.

[41:23] Lists accusations of Dan's homophobia.

[41:26] Please, let's not keep that going.

[41:27] That's a key point.

[41:29] Desiccated husk, Dan.

[41:30] Without that.

[41:30] Recommendations for invisible werewolf movies.

[41:33] And lists.

[41:34] The podcast for movies like 10,000 BC would last five boring minutes.

[41:39] Yeah.

[41:40] Says Brian.

[41:40] The only...

Elliott Kalan

[41:41] No mention of...

[41:41] I realize no mention of Rocket Crocodile in the world of tomorrow.

Stuart Wellington

[41:44] Well, that was pretty recent.

[41:46] That's a new thing.

[41:47] People are still trying to wrap their brains around that piece.

[41:50] It's like Inception.

[41:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:52] The one sort of iffy response is from John, last name withheld, who says,

[41:57] You guys suck.

[41:58] While listening to a Flophouse episode last year, it occurred to me that the domain wordsoundlikeeachother.com

[42:05] is available and may be more appropriate home for your show.

[42:09] Burn.

[42:10] Accurate saying.

[42:11] Awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] I think that I...

[42:13] We deserve that.

[42:16] Considering we did a long bit at the beginning of this where we were deliberately mispronouncing

[42:21] the names of the actors.

[42:23] That's a very fair slam.

Dan McCoy

[42:25] Well, I think that it's incumbent upon the fans of the Flophouse, someone to buy the domain

[42:30] wordsoundlikeeachother.com and make that into a fan site.

[42:34] Do it.

[42:34] I think that's a great idea.

[42:35] So, balls in your court, Flophouse Nation.

Elliott Kalan

[42:38] And if flophousefan.com is not taken, you should probably take that, too.

[42:41] Yep.

[42:42] Swimfan.

[42:45] Aquafan.

[42:46] Aquafan was taken.

[42:47] Turned out it was an underwater sex website.

[42:50] With one posting that said, underwater sex.

[42:53] Anyone tried this?

Dan McCoy

[42:55] So, uh...

[42:56] The answer is yes.

[42:57] So, we have some other ones here.

Elliott Kalan

[42:59] Oh, more letters.

[43:00] I love it.

[43:00] Bring them on.

Dan McCoy

[43:01] I got one from Andrew, last name withheld.

[43:03] You're just writing these, right?

Elliott Kalan

[43:05] No.

[43:05] This is your actual human being?

Stuart Wellington

[43:07] No, this is a real letter.

[43:08] Dear Dan, you're the best.

[43:09] I think you're great.

[43:10] Your voice sounds like you're well endowed in the penis department.

[43:14] Love Dan.

[43:15] I mean, someone else.

[43:17] Love Dan McCoy.

[43:17] Last name withheld.

[43:18] P.S.

[43:19] When you read my letter, do a stupid voice.

Dan McCoy

[43:23] This is, uh...

[43:24] Meow.

[43:25] This is from Andrew, last name withheld.

[43:28] And it says...

[43:29] You're doing it now.

[43:30] It says,

[43:30] Dearest Dan, Stuart, and Elliot.

[43:32] Dearest?

[43:33] I only discovered the Flophouse around last August or so and have been slowly going back through

[43:37] earlier episodes as my busy schedule allows.

[43:40] Lately, though, I've run into a problem.

[43:42] Since the introduction of the Flophouse house cat, I keep...

[43:46] I keep anticipating his trademark yell.

[43:53] My skin goose pimply with anticipation at that vaunted caterwaal.

[43:58] My brow moist with anxious sweat at his eventual bursting onto the scene.

Elliott Kalan

[44:02] Did you write this letter, Dan?

[44:03] No, no.

[44:04] This is a fan.

Stuart Wellington

[44:06] Fucking Flophouse house cat's writing his letters, man.

[44:09] What the fuck?

Dan McCoy

[44:10] My problem, I now find, though, is that this Pavlovian response you have so carelessly instilled in me

[44:16] can never be stated by these earlier episodes.

[44:19] No matter how jocular or full of fancy they are.

[44:20] Are you saying we need to do a Flophouse special edition where we insert...

[44:25] Hold on.

[44:25] I am constantly on the listen for that patented howl and constantly disappointed when it never arrives.

[44:31] I propose a simple task on your part.

[44:33] Go back and re-edit the 60-some-odd episodes previous to the Flophouse house cat's invention,

[44:40] including the movie minutes, so that his presence may be known within them.

[44:44] I expect this to be accomplished no later than March 1st of this year.

[44:47] Wow, not a lot of time.

[44:48] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Stuart Wellington

[44:50] Well, Dan, the gauntlet has been thrown down.

[44:53] I will see if the house cat is available.

[44:56] And we have a feeling...

[44:57] We have a Foley session for that.

[45:00] If I recall, he's currently unemployed, but he's got some prospects.

Elliott Kalan

[45:04] We gotta do...

[45:05] It's gotta be like the Star Wars special editions where it's just as fake

[45:09] and irritating as possible.

[45:11] Does it make sense that the house cat is just interrupting people?

Dan McCoy

[45:16] Or like the farting track on Wet Hot American Summer.

[45:20] Yes.

[45:21] Just a bunch of fart noises.

Elliott Kalan

[45:23] I'm glad the Flophouse house cat is taking off so much.

[45:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:26] Yeah.

[45:26] I mean, he'll be really happy.

[45:28] When you tell him?

[45:29] When you relay that message.

[45:31] He went to the other room when we're not watching the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[45:34] It's weird.

[45:34] Stuart, you and he have a kind of Bruce Wayne-Batman relationship.

[45:38] You're the only one who can get in touch with him.

[45:39] Yeah.

[45:39] It's kind of strange.

[45:41] Yeah.

[45:41] It's like Spider-Man taking photos of...

[45:45] Yeah.

[45:45] It's like Spider-Man taking photos of Peter Parker.

[45:49] Yeah.

[45:50] What a great story that'd be in a world where Peter Parker is famous.

[45:55] And Spider-Man is just trying to make a living and just selling lots of pictures of Peter Parker.

[46:00] Oh, man.

[46:01] And no one knows the two are the same.

Dan McCoy

[46:04] Man, you've got an in over at Marvel.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] I'm working on something for them right now.

[46:10] Oh, man.

[46:11] I'll pitch them that story.

[46:12] That sounds great.

[46:13] That's such a 1950s DC storyline.

[46:16] We're a world where Spider-Man and Peter Parker are flipped.

[46:19] Yeah.

[46:20] Everyone loves Peter Parker, but what about me, Spider-Man?

Dan McCoy

[46:23] You heard it here first, man.

[46:24] This could be a classic story in years to come.

Stuart Wellington

[46:27] Yeah.

[46:27] Yep.

[46:28] When kids are riding around on hoverboards, they'll remember when they heard about the floppers.

Dan McCoy

[46:32] They'll remember Dan McCoy misspeaking and Elliot being there.

[46:35] Spinning it into comic gold.

[46:38] So this is a long letter, so let's –

[46:41] Okay.

[46:41] Let's –

[46:41] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[46:42] I'll try to get over the best letter ever written, which we just read.

Dan McCoy

[46:47] This one –

Elliott Kalan

[46:48] Better than any of the letters that make up the original Old Testament.

[46:51] Or I'm sorry, New Testament.

[46:53] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[46:54] That's right.

[46:54] I said it.

Elliott Kalan

[46:55] This one is from Ainsley, last name withheld.

[46:57] That was our Flophouse is bigger than Jesus moment, so.

Dan McCoy

[46:59] And Ainsley says,

[47:02] Allow me to begin by saying that I love your work.

[47:05] Long-time listener.

[47:06] First-time emailer.

[47:07] I'm ready to strongly suggest a film for review by your esteemed podcast.

[47:11] In episode 38, dated Saturday, May 20, 2009, you tackled the Disney release Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Elliott Kalan

[47:18] At the urging of one Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[47:21] I commend you for approaching the film with your usual grace, poison, forthrightness.

[47:26] But as our nation stands on the precipice of valuable social change, I urge you to take the risk and make the sequel, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, the subject of an upcoming episode.

[47:36] With the tagline,

[47:37] The family just got bigger.

[47:39] It's clear that this film is a subversive, nuanced attempt to investigate one of the more inflammatory issues that our country is facing.

[47:46] Dog marriage.

[47:47] While both Republicans and Democrats contest the pros, cons, and ultimate long-term results of gay marriage,

[47:53] one thing conservatives have always made clear is that legalizing marriage between same-sex couples will lead to the disintegration of the traditional family dynamic,

[48:00] with its bed, death, resentment, and 50% divorce rate.

[48:05] As attorney and noted conservative David Gibbs III expressed in 2009.

[48:09] David Gibbs III?

Elliott Kalan

[48:10] Not David Gibbs III.

[48:12] But David Gibbs III, who's a clone or a robot of some kind.

[48:19] As noted conservative R34 bot.

Dan McCoy

[48:25] Well, he said that gay marriage would lead to total interspecies matrimonial anarchy, resulting in the question,

[48:31] maybe people will want to marry their pets or robots.

[48:34] I'm not addressing the robot issue.

[48:35] I feel that Wall-E, a superb film by Pixar, adequately dispelled any myths about the love between robots being repugnant.

[48:42] Mr. Gibbs' statement has been snatched up by the rabid right and used as their shield to deflect the arrows of progress.

[48:47] A dog's right to marry, may it be another dog or an interspecies union with a human,

[48:52] isn't something to be used as mere fodder for bigoted rhetoric.

[48:55] Beverly Hills Chihuahua II director Alex Zam, whose previous releases include Dr. Dolittle, Million Dollar Mutts,

[49:02] and the Pooch and the Pauper.

[49:04] Uh-oh!

Elliott Kalan

[49:05] So he's typecast as a dog director.

Dan McCoy

[49:08] Has evidently been a long-time closet supporter of animal love, be it Eros or Agape.

[49:14] I hope that you three will do the right thing and pick up the same mantle as Mr. Zam by confronting the Hesu head-on.

[49:20] Review Beverly Hills Chihuahua II and allow your listeners to judge for themselves.

[49:23] Is dog marriage so wrong?

[49:26] And anchor babies.

[49:27] They have anchor babies, right?

[49:29] Because they're from Mexico.

Elliott Kalan

[49:31] Yeah, anchor puppies.

[49:32] Anchor puppies.

Stuart Wellington

[49:33] I'm going to abrage a little bit.

[49:34] What if they had a human baby, though?

[49:35] Wouldn't that be fucking crazy?

Elliott Kalan

[49:37] That's not how things work.

Stuart Wellington

[49:38] No, but what if it happened?

[49:40] Can two dogs take care of a human baby?

[49:43] It'd be like a Mowgli.

Elliott Kalan

[49:44] But Mowgli was a cast-off.

[49:48] He's abandoned.

[49:49] Wait, he wasn't...

[49:50] It wasn't Baloo's child.

Stuart Wellington

[49:51] I thought Baloo and King Louie had a baby.

[49:54] No.

[49:55] That's weird.

Dan McCoy

[49:56] I want to be like you.

[49:57] But just skip to the end here.

[50:00] If you feel that this film is unendurable, may I suggest purple rain in its place?

[50:04] Chances are it's more or less the same movie anyway.

[50:06] Especially yours.

[50:07] And she says, allow this to sway your opinion.

[50:10] Aren't they cute?

[50:11] And she includes a picture which I'm now showing to the other members of the flop house.

Stuart Wellington

[50:16] Okay, this is Elliot's expression.

[50:18] Imagine sexual confusion.

[50:23] I mean, it would help with intensity.

Dan McCoy

[50:25] If you first described what the photo was, Stuart, that I'm showing you.

Stuart Wellington

[50:28] The photo is of two dogs.

[50:31] Yeah.

[50:32] One is dressed up very nice.

Dan McCoy

[50:33] There are two dogs getting married.

Stuart Wellington

[50:35] Yeah, there's a dog.

[50:35] Oh, that's what they're doing.

Dan McCoy

[50:36] There's a dog that appears to be in black tie, and there's a dog in a wedding dress.

[50:40] And they seem to be very happy.

Elliott Kalan

[50:43] Oh, yeah.

[50:43] I think they'll have a very happy life together.

Dan McCoy

[50:45] I mean, I'm not sure if they understand the commitment that they're making.

[50:50] Who really does?

[50:51] Who really does?

[50:52] Yeah.

[50:53] But, yeah, I mean, like, if adorableness is any indication of a successful marriage, then

[50:58] I think that will be...

[50:58] It isn't.

Stuart Wellington

[51:00] All right.

[51:02] So what do you think?

[51:02] Well, that was a well-reasoned and well-thought-out letter.

[51:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:05] As to why we should watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.

Stuart Wellington

[51:08] Put more work into that than we put into our podcast, so I thank you.

[51:13] Hmm.

[51:15] Well, that's a better argument than what we usually do, which is Elliot eats chicken, and

[51:19] I shout and give thumbs up or thumbs down.

[51:22] Uh-huh.

[51:22] I usually eat chicken and then say, what movie is shorter?

[51:24] I think they're wormy boners up or down, actually, usually.

[51:26] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[51:26] I do talk about wormy boners, too.

[51:28] But, yeah, no, yeah.

[51:30] You usually just pick the...

[51:31] We usually just pick the shortest movie that's available.

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] Yeah.

[51:34] Mm-hmm.

[51:34] Not tonight.

[51:35] No.

[51:36] Tonight we picked the longest.

Dan McCoy

[51:37] That was Dan's fault.

[51:37] The longest, yeah.

[51:38] Look, I'm trying to be a little more topical or seasonal, if you will.

Elliott Kalan

[51:42] So we couldn't watch, like, Groundhog Day?

[51:44] It's a great movie.

Dan McCoy

[51:45] It doesn't fit within the purview of the flop.

[51:47] I just like watching it.

[51:48] Okay.

[51:49] Well, we can do that, but I don't...

[51:50] We shouldn't do a podcast about it.

Elliott Kalan

[51:52] Well, let's say at a future date, we may watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.

[51:56] Who knows?

[51:57] Yeah.

[51:58] Unlike those dogs, I'm not ready for the commitment.

[52:01] Oh, man.

[52:04] Dude, would the Flophouse house cat have a problem with us watching another dog-based movie?

Stuart Wellington

[52:07] It would be.

[52:08] I mean, I'd have to ask him.

[52:09] Once again, he's not here.

[52:11] It's really strange.

Elliott Kalan

[52:12] You got...

[52:12] You are really teasing me.

[52:14] There's so many fan letters, and you will not relent.

Dan McCoy

[52:19] Okay, so what's the next part, though?

[52:21] We need to look at...

[52:22] We need to find a cat-based Flophouse movie, though.

[52:25] Yeah.

[52:26] Just to...

[52:27] Well, we could watch The Return of Pussy Galore.

[52:29] Mm-hmm.

[52:29] The Return of Kitty Galore.

Stuart Wellington

[52:31] The Docks and Cats 2.

[52:32] Mm-hmm.

[52:34] They're like real spies, only furrier.

[52:36] Only...

[52:37] Yep.

[52:37] Only furriers.

[52:39] Yep, they're in the fur business.

[52:41] They work as furriers.

[52:42] So what do we do now at this point?

[52:44] We talked about the movie, listened to letters.

[52:46] Recommendations.

Dan McCoy

[52:47] Now we recommend movies that we actually saw and enjoyed.

Elliott Kalan

[52:50] Rawr, rawr!

[52:51] Rawr!

[52:53] Clubhouse house cat!

Dan McCoy

[52:54] Yeah, he likes this part.

[52:57] So does anyone want to kick it off?

[52:59] Anyone raring me?

[53:00] I can if you want me to.

[53:01] I mean, it sounds like...

[53:02] Okay, yeah, you go.

Elliott Kalan

[53:02] He's literally raring.

[53:04] No, Ellie can go.

[53:05] I will quickly...

[53:06] I am recommending two movies as one unit.

[53:09] As one unit, Johnny Toe's series Election and Election 2, or as it was released in the United

[53:16] States, two movies about Triad Gang.

[53:21] Triad Gang.

[53:22] Triad Gang.

[53:23] They're electing a new chairman.

[53:25] There's trouble in the ranks.

[53:27] Each movie by itself is okay.

[53:30] And together, they make one kind of like nicer, longer saga of gangster stuff.

[53:37] And there's a little bit of violence and a lot of conniving.

Dan McCoy

[53:42] They're awesome.

[53:43] Well, I'm some conniving.

[53:44] Sounds great.

[53:45] I saw several movies that I actually enjoyed.

[53:49] God damn it.

[53:50] No, no.

[53:50] Briefly, I liked Me and Orson Welles.

[53:55] I think that it suffered from having Zac Efron as the main character.

[53:59] But it had a good actor as Orson Welles.

[54:01] And if you like Orson Welles or the history of the American stage, you might enjoy Me and

[54:10] Orson Welles.

[54:11] I also watched a movie called Infestation, which was a surprisingly good movie about giant

[54:17] bugs.

[54:18] But the movie I'm going to recommend is Easy A, which I, you know, I have a weakness for

[54:24] both horror films and teen comedies.

[54:27] And what they have in common is many of them are terrible.

[54:30] But Easy A I enjoyed.

[54:32] It suffers a little bit from Diablo Cody disease, where everyone's a little too clever.

[54:37] They sound a little too much like each other.

[54:40] But it's generally pretty good.

[54:44] Emma Stone is very funny in it.

[54:46] Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson are very good as her parents.

Elliott Kalan

[54:53] Oh, she's the one from Zombieland.

[54:55] Yeah.

[54:55] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[54:56] And it has a, like, I kind of liked it.

[54:58] It had a better, it had a more nuanced sort of view of teen sex and sexuality than, like,

[55:08] a lot of these comedies do, where it's either, like, it's either something, like, not to be

[55:12] worried about at all, or it's, like, really chaste and moralizing.

Elliott Kalan

[55:15] Like, American Pie 8.

[55:17] Yeah.

[55:17] Like, American Pie 8.

[55:18] Or, like, naked in the class or something like that.

[55:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:19] It's neither, it's neither.

[55:21] That's actually 100% accurate there, Elliot.

[55:24] It's...

[55:24] It's neither treated as nothing or, like, the most important thing in the world.

[55:29] Ah, yeah.

[55:30] And so I liked it for that.

[55:32] Stuart, what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[55:33] So it's like a movie version of the TV show Skins.

[55:35] It's like a movie version...

Dan McCoy

[55:36] Just a penetrating look at life as a teen.

[55:38] It's like a movie version of real-life, rational human beings.

Stuart Wellington

[55:44] I want to recommend a little movie that's, I would say, a good-bad movie.

[55:50] A movie called Frozen.

[55:54] It's a movie directed by Adam Green, director of another movie I recommended, Hatchet.

[56:00] Yeah, I don't...

[56:01] I can't get behind that recommendation.

[56:03] No.

[56:03] I didn't get on your case for recommending stupid shit.

[56:09] Wow, sassy.

[56:11] Flawless.

[56:12] So, you know...

[56:14] Finish him.

[56:15] I will finish him with the rest of my recommendations.

[56:18] 250-point zing combo.

[56:21] Frozen is a movie about three college kids

[56:24] who get stuck on a chairlift.

[56:25] Who are real bastards.

[56:26] And they get stuck on a chairlift

[56:29] at a Connecticut ski resort

[56:32] and that closes down on a Sunday night

[56:35] and then won't reopen until the following Friday

[56:38] for some reason.

[56:40] And they get stuck up there

[56:41] and it's like...

[56:43] This chairlift is super fucking high.

[56:46] And, you know...

[56:47] Well, I mean...

[56:48] And they're also...

[56:48] They're called wolves for some reason.

[56:50] Yeah, it's fucking awesome.

[56:51] It's hilarious.

[56:52] Yeah, I don't want to spoil it.

[56:54] I think, but yeah, it's hilarious.

[56:55] There's the most aggressive man-eating wolves

[56:58] just roaming around.

[56:59] I guess they're the security force

[57:00] of this fucking ski resort.

[57:02] It is a Nazi ski resort.

[57:03] Yeah.

[57:03] And, yeah, it's hilarious

[57:05] and there's some good gross-out bits

Elliott Kalan

[57:08] and, yeah, it's pretty stupid.

[57:11] So watch it.

[57:11] I should mention,

[57:12] in the second of the election movies,

[57:14] a man does chop up another man

[57:15] with a meat cleaver.

[57:16] So...

[57:16] In case that makes people more...

[57:18] want to watch it.

Stuart Wellington

[57:19] So Elliot gets second best

[57:21] for the recommendations today.

[57:25] Now that we're keeping track.

Elliott Kalan

[57:26] Turned you guys against me.

[57:27] Okay.

[57:27] And does the Flophouse House

[57:28] get anything to recommend?

Dan McCoy

[57:31] Catterwalling, apparently.

[57:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:34] Okay.

[57:34] So what do we do now?

Dan McCoy

[57:35] Now we sign off, guys.

[57:37] Okay.

[57:38] We sign off, guys?

[57:39] Yeah.

[57:40] We sign off on guys.

[57:42] Good idea.

[57:43] Good idea, everyone.

Stuart Wellington

[57:44] That sounds like a teen sex comedy.

Dan McCoy

[57:46] Sign off, guys?

[57:47] Sign off on guys.

[57:48] Sign off on guys.

[57:49] I want to wish everyone out there

[57:51] in Flophouse land...

[57:52] Yep.

[57:53] ...a very happy Valentine's Day.

[57:55] Yep.

[57:56] Better than the movie Valentine's Day.

Stuart Wellington

[57:58] Spend it with your loved ones.

[58:00] Wow, creepy.

[58:02] Happy Valentine's Day for me, Stuart.

[58:05] Very scary.

Dan McCoy

[58:07] All right, well...

[58:09] Good night, everyone.

[58:09] I've been Dan McCoy.

[58:11] I've been Stuart.

[58:12] And I am still Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[58:14] Kalen.

[58:15] See ya.

[58:16] Happy Valentine's Day.

[58:17] Happy Valentine's Day.

Stuart Wellington

[58:31] It was like,

[58:32] this movie is a giant valentine to my penis.

Dan McCoy

[58:35] A giant valentine to valentines.

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] Oh, yeah.

[58:39] That's better.

[58:40] Erase mine.

Elliott Kalan

[58:41] I'll take Dan's.

[58:42] Use Dan's.

[58:43] You know what?

[58:43] Put that quote on the poster.

[58:46] Not a giant valentine to my penis.

[58:48] Stuart Wellington, the Flophouse.

[58:50] Valentine's Day, Gary Marshall film.

Stuart Wellington

[58:51] My favorite poster quote lately

[58:53] when I opened up the DVD box

[58:55] of Dead Heat that I own.

[58:58] And the liner notes as a poster.

[59:02] And it says...

[59:03] I opened up the box for Collision Course,

[59:08] which I own.

[59:10] It says,

[59:10] These two cops have to solve

[59:12] the biggest murder case of their careers.

[59:15] Their own.

Elliott Kalan

[59:16] Oh!

[59:18] Oh, because they die.

[59:20] Because they're zombie cops.

[59:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[59:21] Roger Mortis is one of the characters' names.

[59:23] Yeah.

The Flop House: Episode #74 - Valentine's Day

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