The Flop House: Episode #80 - The Sorcerer's Apprentice

[0:00] In this episode, we return to the Nicolas Cage well that never runs dry

[0:05] and discuss The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:39] Hey, all three of us are here.

[0:41] Ba-da-ba-ba-ba!

[0:42] For the first time in over a month.

[0:45] McDonald's.

[0:45] Yeah.

[0:45] It's been a while.

[0:47] Stuart, how did you feel about the fact that we needed to get a big TV star in here

[0:52] to fill the void that you leave when you can't be on the show?

[0:58] Keep in mind that when I left, my void was filled by Andy Rocco.

[1:01] Well, wow.

[1:02] He's a fan of the show.

[1:04] You're insulting.

[1:04] He's a very funny, very good person, but not a TV star yet.

[1:08] Yeah.

[1:09] Keep reaching for those stars, Andy.

[1:11] You're going to get them.

[1:13] I was still expecting somebody to call me up and tell me that I'm kicked off the podcast.

[1:19] Yeah.

[1:20] We could never replace you.

[1:21] I had suicide supplements in place, all laid out.

[1:25] I'm not going to go into exactly what method I was going to use.

[1:28] It was very expensive.

[1:28] Yeah.

[1:29] Oh, yeah?

[1:30] Catering alone was higher than what Dan usually pays for anything.

[1:34] Yeah, for the popcorn that I gave you tonight.

[1:37] It was a pretty fancy spread tonight.

[1:38] You used all those spices on the popcorn.

[1:40] I did put some extra spice on the popcorn.

[1:42] It was a little too flavorful for me, I've got to admit.

[1:44] Sure.

[1:44] One thing that the audience should know is that Elliot does not like flavor.

[1:49] I don't.

[1:50] Blend it up, please.

[1:51] That's what I say.

[1:52] Anything that you might find on the buffet at an old folks' home, Elliot would love.

[1:57] It's one of many ways I fit the stereotype of white guy.

[2:00] Yeah.

[2:01] I want to apologize to Andy Rockwell.

[2:02] I think he did a great job and he was really funny.

[2:04] Yeah.

[2:04] So, do you want to insult any more of our fans or should we go into the movie?

[2:11] Line them up and let's go.

[2:12] Sure.

[2:13] I did inadvertently insult that freelancer for the AV Club that one time.

[2:19] I didn't mean to and now –

[2:21] Why?

[2:21] What did you say?

[2:21] I don't know.

[2:22] I just made a joke about him being a freelancer as opposed to a full-ancer.

[2:25] A full-ancer.

[2:27] Yeah, a full-ancer.

[2:28] Don't even know words.

[2:30] And now we're never going to get reviewed by the AV Club.

[2:35] Is it a podcast?

[2:36] Do they ever review podcasts?

[2:37] No, they've got a weekly podcast column now.

[2:39] Oh, then they should review us.

[2:41] Yeah, well.

[2:42] Well, you fucked that up.

[2:43] I did.

[2:44] Yeah, would have dropped the ball for all of us.

[2:46] Yeah, now we'll never be famous.

[2:47] Now we'll never replace those idiots on the Ebert show.

[2:50] I have no right being on television

[2:53] I find it odd that you Elliot

[2:57] Were the only one with a legitimate showbiz job

[3:00] Is the one angry that we will never be famous

[3:02] This was going to be the rocket I rode to the moon

[3:04] By moon I mean Hollywood

[3:05] I was going to ride clutching his coattails

[3:07] The whole way

[3:08] We had big plans

[3:12] Rocket moon coattail plans

[3:14] I know where I am in this scenario

[3:16] And it's on the earth

[3:17] Looking up at you with a big telescope

[3:19] We're waving down at you

[3:21] You're the first one who gets the

[3:24] Hand pistol motion targeted at you

[3:26] And when we win our award for

[3:28] Best potty and P.O.D

[3:30] Not like potty like that

[3:31] That's a completely different award

[3:35] When we win the award for best potty

[3:36] At the toilet designers convention

[3:38] We're going to say and all the people who helped us get here

[3:40] And that's you

[3:42] So I'm the figurative turd

[3:45] In your potty award

[3:46] We'll have forgotten your name by then

[3:47] We've got to get back to work on that toilet design

[3:50] Brandon McCoy

[3:53] Unnamed Scotch-Irishman

[3:56] That guy

[3:59] He owned a lot of microphones

[4:00] That's what recommended him

[4:03] Movies, huh?

[4:05] Sure

[4:06] We're done insulting our listeners

[4:08] But not each other, guys

[4:10] Is this like a joke?

[4:12] What are we doing here, guys?

[4:14] Is this kind of like a comedy bit?

[4:17] All right, let me explain the premise of the podcast to you again.

[4:19] Sure.

[4:19] What we do is we gather together as friends, the three of us.

[4:24] Okay, sure.

[4:24] We watch a movie, one that we presume might be a bad movie.

[4:29] Okay.

[4:29] And then afterwards, we fire up the old podcast machine and we record a conversation about it.

[4:35] Do the old talk and talk.

[4:37] Okay.

[4:38] Not a walk and talk because we can't move the table fast enough.

[4:41] Let's do that sometime.

[4:42] Let's do a podcast where we – do you have lavalier mics that we can clip on?

[4:46] Where we can walk around the neighborhood?

[4:48] Yeah, we'll take a walk around the nape.

[4:49] Yeah, interview people about the movie that we just watched.

[4:52] That they haven't seen.

[4:53] Excuse me.

[4:54] That reminds me of a time.

[4:56] Well, we'll get to the movie eventually.

[4:58] Sure.

[4:59] It reminds me of a time.

[4:59] Danielle and I, before we were married, were leaving a dinner, and we were just walking down the street in Midtown.

[5:04] It was at night, so there was no one around.

[5:06] And this woman with a microphone and one guy with a TV camera came up, and she said,

[5:10] Excuse me, what do you think about the new Do Me Do You?

[5:13] And we were like, we don't know what you're talking about.

[5:16] We literally don't know what the words you're saying mean.

[5:18] Is that some sort of Dr. Doolittle thing?

[5:20] Apparently it's some sort of life philosophy.

[5:22] Oh.

[5:23] Sounds like a sex act.

[5:24] It does.

[5:25] But then I'm assuming most things that people ask me using a microphone is a sex act.

[5:29] I assume this woman is on public access television.

[5:31] She's probably asking about sex, but I don't know.

[5:34] But she wasn't, it turns out.

[5:35] This is how she gets off.

[5:36] She goes out and she pretends to be a newswoman and she asks people about sex.

[5:40] I mean if you don't know the sex slang, you probably don't have an opinion on it, right?

[5:44] I have to assume so, yeah.

[5:45] Yeah.

[5:46] So we watched the movie is what you were saying.

[5:48] So that was my version of a dull story.

[5:51] That's the segue into Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[5:54] The Sorcerer's Apprentice, the movie based on a thing.

[5:57] Does this put Nicolas Cage in the top?

[6:02] I think we've seen at least three.

[6:04] I missed one of them.

[6:05] I can't imagine that there are more.

[6:06] Oh, no.

[6:06] Well, there was Next.

[6:08] There was the one with the prophecy and the aliens.

[6:11] Knowing.

[6:12] There was Bangkok Dangerous.

[6:15] Sure.

[6:15] Nick's was so good.

[6:16] There was this one.

[6:17] That's four right there.

[6:18] And I think that's not all of the Nicolas Cage's we've seen.

[6:21] Write in, listeners, because we're too lazy to go back into our archives and just look at the list of movies.

[6:27] Back into the stacks.

[6:28] But, yeah, I think this makes Nick Cage our flop star.

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:33] So congratulations, Nicolas Cage.

[6:36] I would say he kind of brought it tonight.

[6:37] Kind of.

[6:39] He half brought it.

[6:39] There were moments where he is great and there are many moments where he is funny.

[6:44] He brought it more than in Bangkok Dangerous.

[6:46] Oh, yeah, certainly.

[6:47] He did not bring it on all or nothing, but he brought it on some or nothing, probably.

[6:53] Yeah?

[6:54] Stuart's dubious.

[6:55] Well, I'm just trying to, I'm imagining the scale.

[6:58] Should we explain what this movie is about?

[7:00] Sure, why not?

[7:00] Sorcerer's Apprentice comes from the same well of Disney-owned properties that brought us Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, and the upcoming movie where all the rides that aren't big enough to get their own movie come to life all at once.

[7:14] Which they've announced, which I assume means like Kitchen Cabaret, the Safari Jungle Ride, probably like Carousel of Progress, Thunder Mountain Railroad, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, which I guess is based on a movie and a book.

[7:29] Now, is Space Mountain getting its own movie?

[7:31] It seems like Space Mountain will get its own.

[7:33] I would hope so, but there's a lot of – the weird thing is there's a lot of movies set in space, so that's not enough of a concept.

[7:39] Now, they've never made a mountain climbing movie in space.

[7:43] So I guess –

[7:44] The Matterhorn Mountain is going to be one.

[7:47] We've got to make it clear though that we're talking about Disney World or Disneyland rides and this is not based on that.

[7:54] It's based on –

[7:56] But it's Disney properties is what I'm saying.

[7:58] Well, I mean we all remember the Sorcerer's Apprentice segment from Fantasia.

[8:02] What about the Country Bears?

[8:03] Were the Country Bears –

[8:04] They had a movie already.

[8:05] OK.

[8:05] The story of Sorcerer's Apprentice predates Fantasia.

[8:08] Yes, that's true.

[8:09] But Disney obviously – but Disney has its – well, that's –

[8:13] It does predate it, but we all remember the segment in Fantasia with Mickey Mouse.

[8:16] He's the Sorcerer Apprentice.

[8:17] He wants the brooms to do his work for him.

[8:19] Michael Mouse.

[8:20] Michael J. Mouse.

[8:23] That's his full name, shortened to Mickey.

[8:25] Yep, to Irish it up a little bit.

[8:27] His name is actually Micklin Mouse.

[8:28] Yep.

[8:29] He makes the brooms do his bidding, but they do it too well, and they flood the place.

[8:34] And Mickey is rewarded with a swift kick in the rear by the sorcerer.

[8:37] I mean, I wouldn't say that they did it too well.

[8:40] I think they're just a little too enthusiastic.

[8:42] They're single-minded, the brooms.

[8:44] Okay, yeah.

[8:44] They don't know when to quit.

[8:45] They will not let getting chopped up keep them their pointed rounds.

[8:50] No, they regenerate like starfish.

[8:52] Yeah.

[8:52] Well, anyway, that's not what this movie is about.

[8:55] No, that's one scene in the film that's thrown in literally to tie the property to that other property.

[9:02] Very obligatory.

[9:03] But here's the story.

[9:04] We start off roughly 500 to 600 years ago, sometime in the Middle Ages-y type period.

[9:10] Sure.

[9:10] And in about 67 seconds, we are told that Nicolas Cage is a wizard.

[9:16] Merlin is there.

[9:18] Morgan Le Fay is trying to kill Merlin.

[9:20] She does.

[9:21] Nicolas Cage tries to stop her.

[9:23] Now, these are all figures we will, of course, all remember from Le Morte d'Arthur.

[9:27] Yes.

[9:27] Oh, Nicolas Cage's name is Balthazar Blake.

[9:30] And his enemy, who used to be his best friend, is Alfred Molina, a.k.a. Horvath.

[9:35] And this is all told to us by the dulcet tones of Ian McShane.

[9:40] Ian McShane, my old pal, who talks really fast while these things happen, and it feels like they're recapping season one of The Sorcerer's Apprentice before the season two season premiere.

[9:52] So keep in mind, everything I'm telling you at the moment is about two minutes of screen time.

[9:58] I'm imagining season one of The Sorcerer's Apprentice where Donald Trump is just firing sorcerers left and right.

[10:04] I like your spells.

[10:05] Good with levitation, but I'm sorry you're quiet.

[10:08] Please pack up your hat with stars and moons on it and go.

[10:13] But so, okay.

[10:16] Alfred Moline is bad.

[10:19] Morgan Le Fay is bad.

[10:20] They kill Merlin.

[10:21] Nicolas Cage manages to trap Morgan Le Fay in his girlfriend's body and then trap the girlfriend.

[10:27] Which, of course, is what you want to do.

[10:29] Yes, and the girlfriend is Monica Bellucci.

[10:31] So, you know, nice real estate.

[10:34] They manage to trap the double woman into a Russian stacking doll and also traps Alfred Molina in a Russian stacking doll.

[10:42] Merlin dies and gives him a little dragon figurine that looks like one of those pewter things you buy at the mall.

[10:47] And says this will help you –

[10:50] In a store that also sells swords and like skulls with gems in the eyes.

[10:54] Yeah, and t-shirts with Travis Bickle on them.

[10:57] Sure.

[10:59] And says Merlin was the only one who could kill Morgan Le Fay, but someday there will be another super powerful wizard, the Prime Merlinian, who will have the power to kill Morgan Le Fay.

[11:11] This dragon figurine will help him find it.

[11:13] And so for the next couple of centuries, Nicolas Cage – again, this is all the first couple minutes of the movie.

[11:19] Yeah, this is three minutes of screen time.

[11:21] The next couple hundred years, Nicolas Cage wanders the world testing young magical children.

[11:25] None of them are the Prime Merlinian.

[11:27] Yeah, the test is him letting them hold this little stupid dragon figurine, and when it doesn't work, he shakes his head and walks off.

[11:33] And just walks away.

[11:34] In his different costume each time.

[11:36] Okay.

[11:36] Flash forward to the year 2001, pre-September 11th, I assume, because everyone still has that glow of optimism about it.

[11:43] Yeah, absolutely.

[11:44] Well, you remember how it was back then.

[11:45] A naivety.

[11:46] Oh, I do.

[11:46] And there's a kid who is just like a nerdy dude.

[11:53] Just a terrible actor.

[11:55] Yes.

[11:56] And also, he's a bad actor.

[11:57] He's not as bad as the kid in Last Airbender.

[12:00] No.

[12:01] He's pretty bad.

[12:03] I mean, you were pointing out that he was cast basically because he had the same hair as Jay Baruchel.

[12:07] That was me.

[12:07] I'm the observer one this time.

[12:09] Yeah.

[12:10] I know it's easy to get us confused since we look and sound exactly alike.

[12:14] I think this was the point in the movie where Dan had gotten frustrated and decided to leave the room for a while.

[12:18] There were multiple points in the movie for that.

[12:20] Anyway, so this kid is a little nerdy, but he's artistic.

[12:23] He's autistic?

[12:25] Artistic.

[12:26] And he catches the eye

[12:27] But we're autistic, maybe

[12:28] I mean, he could be

[12:29] He just peed his pants

[12:31] Yes, we're getting there

[12:32] And he loves Tesla coils

[12:33] Catch it, not yet

[12:34] That's later in his life

[12:36] He catches the eye of a classmate who's a girl

[12:38] Gives her a note that says

[12:40] Will you be my friend or girlfriend?

[12:43] Those are the two choices she can check off one

[12:45] None of the above should have been provided as an option

[12:48] Yeah, but in a much smaller box to check

[12:50] Just to give her the illusion of free will

[12:53] Sure

[12:54] and uh well that's what he that he knows the secret he's playing a mind game on it that's

[12:58] true he's like a pollster a modern day pollster it's a push pull uh a push me pull you dr do

[13:06] little anywho back around she marks it off but then they're on a trip to see the statue of liberty

[13:12] she marks it off but then the wind takes the paper out of the air he chases it wind or magic

[13:18] It might be magic because it leads him to a dusty old curiosity shop known as the Arcana Cabana.

[13:25] Even though it is not a cabana, not a tropical place.

[13:28] But clearly partly financed by Sammy Hagar.

[13:32] Sammy Hagar's magic shop.

[13:34] You get a free pina colada with every magic purchase.

[13:37] The Cabo Wabo Arcana Cabana.

[13:39] So he enters the Arcana Cabana and finds Nicolas Cage, who is in his long, scraggly hair vest,

[13:46] who tells him basically, this is a magic shop.

[13:50] Here, hold this dragon figurine.

[13:52] The dragon figurine turns into a ring, meaning that he is the prime Merlinian.

[13:55] Here, I'm going to teach you to be a sorcerer, but don't touch anything.

[13:59] Of course, the kid touches the first thing he sees,

[14:01] which is the stacking doll that has Alfred Molina trapped in it.

[14:05] He breaks it open.

[14:06] Alfred Molina emerges from a cloud of cockroaches,

[14:08] and then there's a magic battle with Nicolas Cage.

[14:11] Alfred Molina...

[14:12] It's very exciting.

[14:13] Oh, it's so exciting.

[14:15] There's a lot of fireballs thrown around and force bolts.

[14:20] A lot of the magic just involves things being – like energy bolts being thrown at each other.

[14:24] It's not really that imaginative.

[14:26] Yeah.

[14:27] There's one point where Alfred Molina uses magic to make a sword like float in the air and fight.

[14:32] Yeah.

[14:33] But it's like that's – most of the time it's literally just throwing hadoukens at each other.

[14:37] Yeah.

[14:37] They might as well be fighting with like a couple of tasers.

[14:40] Yeah, basically.

[14:41] Or just like telekinesis.

[14:42] Yeah.

[14:43] Anywho.

[14:44] Or kung fu or something.

[14:45] Nicholas Cage and Alfred Molina, a fire starts, and Nicholas Cage and Alfred Molina get trapped inside of a vase that has magical properties to contain someone for ten years.

[14:53] The kid is like, oh my god, this is crazy, runs out of the store.

[14:58] All his classmates and his teacher are there.

[15:00] He's like, oh, don't go in there.

[15:01] It's full of fire and crazy magicians.

[15:03] She walks in.

[15:04] I think it's weird that they were all right outside the door because he like runs for a couple of blocks.

[15:07] Yeah.

[15:07] They shouldn't have been able to find him unless maybe they put a tracking device.

[15:10] They were going to have lunch at the Havana Cabana or whatever it was, Arcana.

[15:15] it's the cabana district and a banana lower manhattan's cabana district

[15:21] so many cabanas down there and uh they were trying to get one of the non-magic cabanas

[15:28] yes they took a wrong turn took a wrong turn at cabana kirky

[15:33] it's terrible thank you for that

[15:37] Because you're setting the bar low on the podcast joke.

[15:40] Considering it's an early birthday present.

[15:41] It was like genuinely awful.

[15:44] Anyway, it turns out there's no fighting inside, no fire.

[15:49] He looks like a doof and he spilled a vase full of water on himself so it looks like he wet himself.

[15:54] Everybody laughs.

[15:56] You're going into so much detail in this movie.

[15:58] Well, because I'm going to be general coming up.

[16:00] Ten years later, that kid is now – what's his name?

[16:03] Jay Baruchel.

[16:04] Jay Baruchel.

[16:05] He of the irritating voice.

[16:07] And he's in college at NYU, my alma mater, and he's working on Tesla coils.

[16:13] He's a physicist.

[16:13] He bumps into the girl that he had a crush on when he was eight years old.

[16:19] Because, you know, I mean like we're all either married or, you know, stewards engaged.

[16:22] Obviously we're all with the woman that we had a crush on when we were –

[16:27] In elementary school.

[16:27] Yeah.

[16:28] Yeah.

[16:28] That's the way it works.

[16:29] Yeah, it is the way it works.

[16:30] I don't even remember who I had a crush on in elementary school.

[16:33] If I met her, it's not like I would be like, oh my god, I used to have such a crush on you.

[16:37] I would literally not remember who she was probably.

[16:39] I mean Stuart's different.

[16:41] He's a Casanova.

[16:42] Yeah.

[16:42] I don't really remember anything past a couple of days ago actually.

[16:47] But basically all the things you think are going to happen, happen.

[16:53] Nicolas Cage and Alfred Molina get out of that vase because it's ten years later.

[16:58] Alfred Molina is on the loose trying to get the doll that has his girlfriend in it, Morgan Le Fay.

[17:03] Nicholas Cage finds Jay Baruchel and teaches him how to be a sorcerer, and there's the – it so closely follows the three-act structure of like the hero rejects his promise.

[17:14] Then he accepts his promise.

[17:15] Then there's a setback, and then he doubts himself, and then he proves himself.

[17:20] The end, and there's a lot more that I could go into, but it's kind of – it's basically – you can imagine this movie in your head basically.

[17:27] Here's one thing that like off the top of my head from what you just –

[17:30] Oh, and also he charms the girl by setting his Tesla coils to play the song using electrical impulse that she played on her NYU radio show.

[17:39] Yes.

[17:40] Is that what you were going to say?

[17:41] No, I was going to say –

[17:42] That was his favorite part, I think.

[17:44] Yeah, and there's a giant steel – one cool part is Nicolas Cage turns one of the gargoyles at the Chrysler building into a giant steel bird that he can ride around.

[17:51] That looks like the cover of the Screaming for Vengeance album.

[17:55] It seems like –

[17:56] From Judas Priest.

[17:57] When you hear this concept –

[17:58] Thanks for clarifying.

[17:59] currently on their farewell tour oh god for god's sake i'm gonna punch you in the ear okay um no

[18:04] like when based on what elliot says like the listener at home is thinking oh i know what the

[18:09] conflict in this movie is or not like the conflict but like one of the hooks in the movie is going to

[18:14] be oh nicholas cage should have been spending the last 15 years training this kid to to you know

[18:22] like be the best wizard in the world so he can you know take down morgan lafayette when she comes back

[18:27] And that's going to be a big problem

[18:29] Like oh he's lost so much time

[18:30] No you know Nicolas Cage

[18:32] Apparently is able to teach him magic

[18:34] In basically an afternoon

[18:35] And then everything's fine

[18:37] There's no real sense of

[18:40] There's barely even a training montage

[18:42] It's like if the scene in Star Wars

[18:45] Where Luke had the blast shields down on his helmet

[18:47] And that little ball kept zapping in with lasers

[18:49] If he went like

[18:50] Ah I can't do this

[18:52] Cut away to the Empire doing something

[18:54] Cut back it's Luke from Return of the Jedi

[18:56] in his black outfit with his own lightsaber that he made.

[18:58] They wrote Yoda out.

[19:00] Except it's like Jay Baruchel is sometimes really good at magic

[19:04] and sometimes really bad as the plot needs him to be.

[19:07] And then at the end he's...

[19:08] As his confidence needs him to be.

[19:10] Oh, God.

[19:10] You're right, actually.

[19:12] Because your ability at magic is directly related to how confident you are.

[19:16] You just got to believe in yourself.

[19:17] It's just like being a Green Lantern.

[19:19] Mm-hmm.

[19:20] I mean, he does have a magic ring.

[19:22] Doesn't the Green Lantern have one of those?

[19:24] That's true, yeah.

[19:25] so parallels uh and it's the kind of movie where there are two sorcerers so they have a car chase

[19:33] we have seen one of the characters riding a giant steel bird so let's have them ride cars around

[19:41] let's and and when they decide that oh wait like we need to up the ante in this car chase

[19:47] they simply make their cars into faster nicer cars not like turning your car into like a flying

[19:54] dinosaur monster it's no they do briefly go into a mirror world which where the yakuza squares

[20:01] backwards yeah wait what keeper sutherland in the movie mirrors at the end of the movie he goes into

[20:07] a mirror world what what are you talking about no no he gets trapped in the mirror world for real

[20:13] yeah that's just get out of here that was a classic fluff house callback but they do good

[20:20] That was for you, Ellie, by the way.

[20:21] I appreciated that.

[20:22] Then they go into the mirror world, but they escape very easily.

[20:27] That's one of two mirror-like magic gags that are done – are shot completely wrong.

[20:34] Like shot in such a way that you don't really realize that they're in a mirror and not in the real world.

[20:39] Yeah.

[20:40] There's a scene earlier where Alfred Molina – Nicolas Cage traps him in a bathroom mirror and he tells – he gives – he's trying to get out.

[20:48] he talks to someone just a regular passerby who is in the bathroom and it's not shot so that you

[20:54] like the way it's shot you don't get the effect of alfred molina not being in the room that is

[21:00] reflected in the mirror yeah like the gag should be like oh alfred molina is only on one side of

[21:04] the mirror while this other guy is on both sides like you are when you're standing in front of a

[21:09] mirror and uh yeah it's shot like full frame on this mirror we really got this get this whole

[21:15] mirror in the in the shot people know where alfred melina is yeah uh alfred melina who also

[21:21] by the way is uh he's dressed all through the movie in like a fur coat and uh with a cane which

[21:27] i guess is supposed to be like you know like the last time he was out in the world was uh like the

[21:33] 20s yeah and then he was trapped in this uh this nesting doll or whatever i i think that's kind of

[21:39] what that's the assumption i think but uh he just looks sort of like a pimp he looks like oh see i

[21:43] thought he was like he was like a comical russian in a 30s movie yeah that's true could be that uh

[21:50] it's a fit i mean i think he looks like a good bad guy like a bad wizard yeah and he's and he

[21:54] doesn't do bad in it he and nicholas cage at when they're trying they bring a lot to their characters

[21:59] which is good because they have no character yeah they don't have a if it wasn't for that

[22:02] like their performances their characters would be even more forgettable than yeah no it feels like

[22:08] Like there's a screenplay where they're like, huh, there are no characters in this screenplay.

[22:13] Let's get a couple of wacky actors.

[22:15] Who do we have on our wacky actor Rolodex who can really –

[22:19] Wackers.

[22:19] Who can really whack this up.

[22:21] I mean there are –

[22:22] Give it a good whack.

[22:23] The thing is they do – the one – there are a couple of things I actually liked about this movie, and one of them is that it's set in New York and it looks like New York.

[22:29] They shot a lot of the exteriors in New York it looked like, or at least if they green-screened them in, they used real exteriors.

[22:35] Like there's a scene in Chinatown, so they do like a Chinese dragon parade scene where it turns into a real dragon.

[22:41] And they're in NYU, and like they have an NYU radio station, which NYU actually has but not in the building that they show it in.

[22:49] And like the bird from the Chrysler building becomes his bird.

[22:52] At the end, Nicolas Cage is being attacked by the Wall Street bull statue that's chasing him.

[22:58] Like they do a good job of actually making use of the city the movie is set in as opposed to just like –

[23:03] Kind of like what the Spider-Man movies or –

[23:06] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[23:06] Or like Rumble in the Bronx, which really gives you a real flavor of New York.

[23:11] Really a real sense of New York.

[23:12] Those snow-capped mountains in the background right over the Bronx.

[23:16] New York golf courses and all the gangs of multi-ethnic gangs riding around in dune buggies in the streets.

[23:23] I love that that was very obviously not called Rumble in the Bronx when it was released in China.

[23:27] It must have been something, but like that they were like, the Bronx sounds like a tough place.

[23:32] Or maybe it was called that in China and they just didn't care.

[23:35] Yeah, well, I'm sure that's what their perception of the Bronx is, is this hellscape of gang violence.

[23:42] And mountains.

[23:43] Yeah, beautiful mountains.

[23:45] But there are a lot of movies that – this is a fairly generic movie in a lot of ways, but at least they make use of the setting in ways that I liked.

[23:56] I mean, not entirely in that the kid, Jay Baruchel's character is obviously from the New York area since he was there as a kid.

[24:02] But at one point, Soda gets knocked over and he goes, ah, there's pop all over the floor.

[24:06] No New Yorker says pop.

[24:08] No one in this part of the country says pop.

[24:10] We say Soda.

[24:10] Good job, Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[24:12] No way to get that wrong.

[24:13] Luckily, the average viewer will be immediately distracted by the bulldog urinating on things right afterwards.

[24:19] I forgot that was in that scene.

[24:20] Next, Jay Baruchel is going to say he's got to get in line for something.

[24:24] Am I right, guys?

[24:25] We say waiting online in this city.

[24:27] But it's – Jay Baruch also has a pet bulldog who appears and disappears throughout the film.

[24:32] Basically as if like the continuity girl just didn't want to bother with remembering if the bulldog was in a scene or not.

[24:38] Maybe it's magic.

[24:40] Ever thought about that?

[24:42] Maybe it's a wizard.

[24:44] Sure.

[24:45] Probably.

[24:45] I mean, well, they're probably saving that for the sequel.

[24:48] Yeah, Wizard Dog.

[24:49] Well, that's Sorcerer's Apprentice too.

[24:52] Wizard Dog.

[24:52] Secret of the Lost Land.

[24:55] It's like how in that Superman movie they had a baby Superman.

[24:58] Yeah, that's right.

[24:59] Superman Returns, you mean.

[25:00] Yeah, yeah.

[25:01] He's not a baby.

[25:01] He's like six years old.

[25:03] I mean, he's like a baby Superman though, right?

[25:05] That's the movie where Superman's been away for five years.

[25:08] The kid is about five years old, and Lois Lane's fiancé thinks it's his kid.

[25:13] So did she have sex with him and Superman on the same night?

[25:17] Probably.

[25:17] Same time, actually.

[25:19] And Kate Bosworth is only like 23, so how five years ago she would have been in college.

[25:24] Well, that says a lot about Superman.

[25:27] It does, yeah.

[25:28] I don't know what that means.

[25:29] Anyhoo, Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[25:33] He likes co-eds with two different color eyes.

[25:36] Yeah.

[25:37] We call them codes.

[25:39] Missed opportunities.

[25:42] So Alfred Molina has like a villainous henchman that is like a Criss Angel type.

[25:48] Yeah.

[25:49] He's going to freak your mind.

[25:51] Yeah, his name is Drake Stone.

[25:53] He's going to freak it good.

[25:54] But he's yet another, like, character that has no defining traits other than the idea.

[26:00] His defining trait is basically that he's English.

[26:01] He's English and he has spiky hair, and that's about it.

[26:04] But, I mean, for a movie that is, a movie that's already too long and stuffed with too much garbage,

[26:11] they seem to make no effort to actually, like, they're stuffing it full of all these ideas

[26:17] but don't actually feel like defining any of them.

[26:18] Yeah, they don't need to pay any of them off.

[26:20] They have a lot of clever ideas in this movie, and then they just feel like, okay, well, I came up with a clever idea.

[26:26] That's all the work I need to do on that.

[26:28] Yeah, like the other idea –

[26:30] I mean, save some for the sequel.

[26:31] You know what I mean, guys?

[26:32] Sorcerer Apprentice 2, Wizard Dog.

[26:34] They have – there are other stacking dolls that have other bad wizards trapped in them that Nicolas Cage has trapped throughout the years.

[26:42] Really, there are only two other ones.

[26:44] But, like, that's a neat idea that there are these other wizards from other time periods that they'll also have to fight.

[26:48] And that he – like the idea that he has to trap them to me makes it more interesting that like he didn't – he couldn't kill them.

[26:56] They're too powerful to kill.

[26:57] Yeah.

[26:57] That's more interesting than just like – well, than what they do with it.

[27:01] Which is that those wizards will appear, maybe fight.

[27:05] One of them fights them and the other one doesn't and then just gets killed.

[27:08] The first one is like a Chinese wizard from centuries ago, which means that he just looks like a stereotypical kind of like Chinese martial arts figure.

[27:17] And then the second one is I think it's – she's supposed to be probably like a Salem witch era witch.

[27:22] She's dressed like a pilgrim.

[27:23] And all she does is trick the girlfriend of Jay Baruchel and then –

[27:30] They're not girlfriend-boyfriend yet.

[27:31] They're not girlfriend – trick the romantic interest and then Alfred Molina kills her, kills the pilgrim to steal her life energy.

[27:38] Yeah, and all she does –

[27:39] And that's it. She's not – she's barely in it.

[27:40] Yeah, she shows up – she kind of shows up to be like almost a character in a Japanese horror film.

[27:48] Like, oh, here's like a creepy young saliv-faced child, and I'm just going to stand here for a moment and creep you out.

[27:55] Yeah, and then she's gone.

[27:56] Goodbye.

[27:57] I didn't mention – I didn't –

[27:59] See you later.

[28:00] See you later.

[28:00] So long.

[28:00] I'm going to leave, I guess.

[28:03] Is this – do you guys need me?

[28:05] Because if you don't, I'm going to –

[28:06] I'll be down at the Arcana Cabana.

[28:08] And I'll toss down a few margaritas.

[28:10] toss down a few magic margaritas and sorcerers on the beach i'll just have a couple of those

[28:16] before six uh the magic margaritas are only four bucks so if you want to come for magic bucks

[28:22] it's a little different than normal bucks i think i'll have a hair of the spell that cast me

[28:26] and so forth wizard drinking jokes uh but there's there's also the subplot where

[28:31] jay baruchel's girlfriend to be spoiler alert they they make they become boyfriend girlfriend

[28:37] at the end yeah uh she checks checks the girlfriend box yeah she's afraid of heights but okay that's

[28:44] a character trait it is kind of not really but then at the end it's definitely something that

[28:48] needs to be overcome in the big climax alfred melina has set up all the satellite dishes in

[28:55] the city somehow that so that uh magic magic so that when morgan lefay arrives that he's trying

[29:01] to create a spell called the rising that will make all the evil dead wizards come back to life

[29:06] I guess so they can kill him again?

[29:08] That doesn't make any sense to me.

[29:09] No, so they can be part of Morgan Le Fay's army of evil.

[29:11] Okay.

[29:12] Army of darkness, if you will.

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:14] They are an evil dead, if you will.

[29:16] Okay.

[29:17] They are for the love of the game, if you will.

[29:22] Just Sam Raimi movies.

[29:23] They're quick and the dead.

[29:25] They're a real gift?

[29:28] Spider-Man 2.

[29:29] I can't contribute because while you were busy making Sam Raimi jokes,

[29:32] I was trying to make an E Street Man joke.

[29:34] A dark man.

[29:35] Sure.

[29:36] That's true. Also, I did keep thinking of the Bruce Springsteen album, The Rising, but only because I guess it used to play over and over again when I worked at Barnes & Noble.

[29:45] Sure.

[29:45] I've just got it stuck in my head.

[29:47] That's a bit of an Elliot past tidbit.

[29:50] Fact always. Elliot worked at a Barnes & Noble, which is now a Trader Joe's.

[29:57] But she is afraid of heights, so Alfred Molina has set up all the satellite dishes that when Morgan Le Fay arises, she will cast this big spell that will bounce off the satellite dishes and then all over the world to bring back the evil magicians, wizards.

[30:09] And so Jay Baruchel is driving down to the big confrontation between him and – between Nicolas Cage and Alfred Molina.

[30:18] For some reason, I don't remember why, he's got one of his Tesla coils on the car.

[30:22] Does he ever use them?

[30:23] It has something to do with – I don't fucking know.

[30:28] He used it to shoot like a lightning bolt at Alfred Molina and knock his cane away or something.

[30:33] My cane!

[30:34] Okay, because this all ties in – like this and the satellite dishes all tie into the same bullshit, which is like earlier in the movie when Jay Baruchel was like, so is magic science or is it –

[30:48] He goes, so is this magic or science?

[30:50] And Nicolas Cage goes, yes and yes, which is hilariously not the answer he's looking for.

[30:56] He's looking for either the word magic or the word science or the word both.

[31:00] Yeah.

[31:01] But you're right.

[31:02] They kind of bullshit an explanation of science and magic being the same thing because it's all about moving molecules around.

[31:08] Right.

[31:08] But, I mean, all they just do is, like, move their hands around and light shoots out of them.

[31:14] Yeah.

[31:14] It's not like he's actually doing science.

[31:16] See, a wizard's hands are his tesla coils.

[31:19] His testicles?

[31:20] Yep.

[31:21] Wait, that's so weird.

[31:23] Suddenly this whole movie changes.

[31:25] It changes how I look at this movie.

[31:26] You don't realize it.

[31:27] Shea Baruchel has already impregnated his girlfriend.

[31:31] But was he like...

[31:32] And Alpha Molina.

[31:33] Were they blasting each other with sperm?

[31:35] Yeah.

[31:35] I thought it was just light bulbs.

[31:38] Electrosperm.

[31:39] Oh, my superhero porn movie.

[31:43] That's why this movie got a hard X.

[31:46] I don't know if you realize.

[31:49] Not a soft X.

[31:51] A hard X.

[31:53] Well, not one of those single X.

[31:55] The triple Xs.

[31:56] Okay, this is a full three.

[31:58] That's not a real rating.

[31:59] I like the idea that there are multiple Xs.

[32:02] It's like, why would we go for the single X if we could get one of these triple Xs?

[32:06] Well, because you're going to watch it with your parents.

[32:10] Single X means it's okay for Grandma.

[32:13] This is a porno you can take home to mom.

[32:16] So anyway, they've got to stop these satellite dishes to stop this spell.

[32:22] And Jay Baruchel gives his girlfriend-to-be maybe the hardest job, which is he says –

[32:27] Well, the most important job.

[32:28] He goes, go to the top of that building.

[32:30] I know of your fear heights.

[32:31] I need you to go to the top of that building and move the satellite dish over.

[32:34] This entails her climbing up like a rickety metal lattice on the roof of a building and kicking a satellite dish with her foot.

[32:41] Yeah, but I would also, like, I would not know how to begin to just get on top of, like, a random skyscraper.

[32:47] Like, she has to, like, figure out which skyscraper has the satellite vision.

[32:51] I assumed it was the...

[32:52] Get past the doorman.

[32:54] I assumed it was the NYU radio building.

[32:57] That's why he had her do it.

[32:59] Maybe, but they didn't make it clear that that was the building.

[33:02] Well...

[33:03] And also, NYU's radio tower, unless they've changed it recently, is not located on the main campus.

[33:08] Well, magic doesn't exist either, dude.

[33:11] checkmate check i gotcha mate gotcha just keeping you honest you just got flopped

[33:18] uh but it's like classic stewart it's like i'm gonna drive my car down to there and shoot some

[33:24] magic bolts at somebody magic bullshit can you do something that will actually help us can you do

[33:29] something that will save the day and may kill you because i know you have no magic powers whatsoever

[33:35] sure i could magic up a metal bird to fly me to the top of that building and just knock the

[33:40] satellite dish over no no no no she had the most useful job i'm gonna knock alfred molina's cane

[33:46] out of his hands then we'll see where it goes from there i kind of need to knock a cane out

[33:50] of a middle-aged man's hands that's how i somehow attached this giant testicle oil to the front of

[33:55] the car without destabilizing it had a big testicle on it too yeah it's a movie hairy

[34:01] testicle i can't believe disney put this movie out just a big ball where's this car

[34:07] and then at the end of the movie they have this giant metal bird they just keep forgetting is in

[34:13] the movie until it's important at the until they can use it but it's one of those things where it's

[34:18] like it's like there happens in a lot of movies where there's a special skill or a special weapon

[34:22] and they wait until the last moment to use it when really if they used it at the first moment

[34:27] it would have saved the whole day and stopped the whole problem but uh they at the end he says to

[34:33] his girlfriend his new girlfriend they want to go have breakfast with me in paris and then the giant

[34:39] bird rides lands he goes i got us a ride and it ends with them getting on the giant bird and flying

[34:44] off i guess in the freezing cold of the upper atmosphere for like 10 hours to paris yeah that's

[34:49] the longest fucking ride in the world they're gonna die you know they're gonna run out of things

[34:53] to talk about, like, 45 minutes in.

[34:55] Yeah, they'll get to Paris

[34:56] and not be boyfriend-girlfriend anymore.

[34:58] That'll be awkward.

[34:59] I mean, you know how kids are nowadays.

[35:01] With the texting.

[35:02] Yeah, all the internets.

[35:03] And the Facebooks.

[35:05] Yeah.

[35:06] The tweets.

[35:08] Sure.

[35:08] The Twitter tweets.

[35:09] That's good.

[35:10] That's contributing.

[35:11] So...

[35:14] So this is like a generic adventure movie, basically.

[35:17] I thought you were going to say,

[35:19] this is a solid C-.

[35:21] This is a hard X.

[35:23] This falls into the same categories like a Prince of Persia or a Jumper.

[35:28] I wasn't here for Jumper.

[35:30] I think this was better than Prince of Persia.

[35:32] Even though it felt long, it was like well over a half hour shorter.

[35:35] Alfred Molina's performance was not as good as it was.

[35:37] Alfred Molina was better than Prince of Persia, but I feel like this had more clever things going on in it.

[35:43] We have a lot of listener mail, so let's make it official and just go on to our final judgments.

[35:47] Final judgments.

[35:48] Was this a good or a bad movie?

[35:49] This is a mail-based podcast now.

[35:51] A bad, bad movie.

[35:52] That's the Flophouse, the podcast that you listen to because we read mail.

[35:55] You'll change your tune when you hear some of this great mail like that.

[35:59] So is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked?

[36:03] Elliot, why don't you take it?

[36:04] This may be a controversial judgment.

[36:06] Okay.

[36:07] But I actually kind of liked this movie.

[36:08] I didn't think it was that good, but it had enough interesting stuff in it that I enjoyed most of it.

[36:15] It really slowed down in the middle, and the ending was really generic.

[36:18] I kind of felt like it wasn't as good as the recent Sherlock Holmes movie, but like how the recent Sherlock Holmes movie started off on a pretty good footing and then just got boring at the end.

[36:28] This wasn't as good as that, but I felt kind of like that, that like the first 45 minutes of it are kind of dumb, but I enjoyed them.

[36:34] And then the second half wasn't terrible.

[36:36] Yeah, I kind of agree with that.

[36:38] I – this was directed by John Turtletaub and him and Nicolas Cage, you know, like their previous collaborations.

[36:48] Chemistry.

[36:49] Have been the –

[36:50] Ignites the screen.

[36:51] The National Treasure films.

[36:52] Okay.

[36:53] Yeah, they're like Scorsese and De Niro.

[36:54] And the National Treasure films are stupid movies that I genuinely enjoy.

[36:59] Like those movies I feel like really commit –

[37:02] Like Stuart Gordon and Jeffrey Gove.

[37:04] Those movies really commit to just being really silly.

[37:08] Like Russ Meyer in Girls with Big Boobs.

[37:11] Like, let's take American history and silly it up as much as we can.

[37:15] And this movie doesn't quite commit to the same level of just goofiness.

[37:19] It kind of holds itself back a little too much.

[37:21] But I agree.

[37:23] Like, the first 45 minutes I sort of enjoyed.

[37:25] Then it slows down.

[37:27] But it's kind of between a movie I kind of liked and a movie that's just bad.

[37:32] This is the type of movie that if you are on a plane and want to kill some time, this is not a bad movie to watch.

[37:39] Yeah, I'd say that.

[37:40] That's fair.

[37:40] It's not a bad movie to watch if you want to watch something that's dumb and has some adventure.

[37:48] Like if you're sick and this is on TV, this is a fine thing to watch.

[37:52] If there are no single X films to watch with your family, you could watch this with your family.

[37:57] Yeah.

[37:57] As long as they're comfortable with the testicle hands that you were talking about.

[38:02] I mean in this world we live in where almost any movie is instantly readily available to you to watch, there's no reason to watch this movie.

[38:09] Yes, this was.

[38:09] This was on a Netflix watch instantly.

[38:11] But it's not – but I would say it wasn't bad.

[38:12] Yeah.

[38:14] I would have given it like a B minus.

[38:17] No, that's too good.

[38:18] C plus.

[38:19] Yeah, I'll agree with that.

[38:20] C plus.

[38:20] You heard it.

[38:23] We instituted a grading system.

[38:24] No, no, no, no, no.

[38:26] Two and a half wormy boners.

[38:27] This is a two and a half star movie.

[38:30] I'll give it that.

[38:31] You have to keep one thumb to the side.

[38:33] There are really vague ways of defining things.

[38:36] That's a Fluff Hot favorite.

[38:37] Except when it's a holiday and then suddenly you've got shitty themes.

[38:40] Is it spookily scary or ghostly good or pumpkin-y bad?

[38:47] That's a terrible, that's a terrible, spookily good bad.

[38:53] Or ghoulishly okay.

[39:00] So, this is from Sean, last name with L.

[39:04] We're moving.

[39:05] Now to the public affairs portion of the podcast.

[39:09] I should make it clear.

[39:10] We're moving into letters now.

[39:12] This is from Sean, last name with L.

[39:14] It says, hey, guys, I'm wondering if any of you guys have stumbled upon one of the Flophouse movies somehow, like on cable, and actually liked it.

[39:21] Like, did Stuart somehow see 10,000 B.C. on Epic 7 and quite enjoy the serenity of two hours of nothing happening?

[39:28] or did Elliot find himself amongst a group of juggalos

[39:30] and find himself laughing hysterically at big money wrestlers?

[39:32] Also, I was listening to the American Carol episode again,

[39:36] and Dan was talking about how badly stage productions turned into movies turned out.

[39:40] What did you think of Vanya on 42nd Street?

[39:42] And...

[39:43] Ooh, checkmate.

[39:44] P.S., do you plan on internet suing Paul Scheer on his podcast,

[39:48] How Did This Get Made, for basically taking your exact format?

[39:51] There's so many questions here, guys.

[39:53] Well, I think we're going to have to take them in order.

[39:55] The answer to the first question for me is no.

[39:57] No, I have never changed my opinion on either.

[40:01] You know what?

[40:02] I found myself watching 10 or 15-minute stretches of Sorority Row if I catch it on television.

[40:10] But I think I kind of liked that movie at the time.

[40:12] That was a fun one, yeah.

[40:13] Girl chokes to death on a bottle.

[40:15] Sure.

[40:15] I haven't gotten to watch that one yet.

[40:17] Oh, man.

[40:18] I wasn't there for that one.

[40:19] Oh, that's right.

[40:20] I end up running into movies we do on the Flophouse all the time because when my fiancée is home alone and left to her own devices, she has a tendency to watch.

[40:31] And when she runs out of whatever TV show she likes to watch, she'll end up watching these terrible fucking movies.

[40:37] And like I came home yesterday and she was watching Valentine's Day and I was like, no, stop.

[40:42] You leapt in front of the TV to catch the beams.

[40:47] But nope, they didn't help.

[40:50] I avoid the movie.

[40:51] Once we've seen them here – like I rewatch movies all the time, but once we see them in Flophouse, I've never felt the interest to go back and watch any of them.

[40:58] Yeah, I agree.

[41:00] Except Bratz.

[41:00] Except Bratz, which I have on constant play in my head.

[41:03] Stage productions have turned into movies.

[41:05] I don't – you know, like stage productions turn into movies.

[41:09] It's not necessarily a hard and fast rule.

[41:11] There are lots of good stage productions turning into movies.

[41:12] Dodsworth, Counselor of Law.

[41:15] Those are two from the 30s.

[41:16] These are the listing movies that you did for your screening series.

[41:19] But they're based on plays.

[41:20] I feel like this is a plug for your screening series.

[41:22] This is a subject I can literally not add anything to.

[41:27] No, I think that the thing is either a movie has to find a really organic way to open up.

[41:36] Thank you, Stuart, for that contribution as you walk away from your microphone.

[41:42] Either the movie needs to find a really organic way to open up the play and make it into a full film or it has to embrace the fact that it's a film play in some way.

[41:55] It's these movies that kind of like come up with the most perfunctory ways I feel like of opening up a stage production that are unsuccessful.

[42:03] A good example I would say, for instance, is Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, which added the entire scene with Alec Baldwin to make it – help make it into a movie, and it was a huge improvement, and it's a really good movie.

[42:14] Now, lastly, how did this get made?

[42:17] Now, let's put this to bed for the – at first.

[42:20] I'll put it to bed.

[42:22] Shh, shh, go to sleep, go to sleep.

[42:25] I don't think that's the worst one yet.

[42:26] Oh, I've got worse.

[42:29] I've got worse coming up.

[42:30] Is that worse than me saying that he was in a nutshell last night?

[42:33] Oh, that was awful.

[42:34] No, how did this get made?

[42:36] It's not like we came up with the idea of making fun of bad movies, first of all.

[42:42] Yeah, that's true.

[42:42] We stole it from the best.

[42:44] Ourselves.

[42:45] Number two, Mr. Paul Scheer is a very sweet man.

[42:49] He was an old improv coach of mine.

[42:52] I remember him being very nice, a great coach, a good guy.

[42:57] He's a funny guy.

[42:58] That said, I do resent a little bit.

[43:00] That said, fuck him.

[43:01] Go to hell.

[43:03] But even sweet guys are assholes that steal stuff sometimes.

[43:07] No, I don't resent them for – I mean it's not like you can –

[43:12] And I don't think they had any idea our podcast existed.

[43:14] I do feel a little sad that we've been doing this for over three years now.

[43:20] Over a decade.

[43:21] And you get some semi-celebrities coming along and they put a podcast up and immediately have 300 five-star reviews on iTunes.

[43:33] Well, I mean, if you have someone who's in a TV show, that's...

[43:35] Sure.

[43:35] And also, he has a big product, customer base from his nightwear store, Sheer Nighties.

[43:40] Sure.

[43:41] The most transparent nighties in town.

[43:44] But, you know, of course...

[43:46] If you can't see through it, it's not Sheer.

[43:48] You can see through them as easily as you can see through the gap in my front teeth.

[43:56] Wow.

[43:56] Sheer Nighties.

[43:57] Wow, made it personal.

[43:58] Wow.

[43:59] Not cool.

[43:59] Not cool at all.

[44:00] I just remember who Paul Scheer was.

[44:03] I said no offense, guys.

[44:07] He's a nice guy.

[44:08] I like him a lot.

[44:08] He said he was cool.

[44:09] Moving along.

[44:09] No, you know how you can help us with that is if you, all you listeners, go and review us on iTunes.

[44:16] Maybe we can help a little bit.

[44:17] Yeah, help spread the word about the Flophouse and then do that.

[44:21] Give us some reviews on iTunes.

[44:22] You can be.

[44:23] Tweet about us.

[44:24] Blog about us.

[44:25] If you have a television show on a major network, mention us.

[44:28] You can be the cool alternative

[44:31] Bad movie podcast listeners

[44:32] How did this get made

[44:34] Can be like the Nickelback

[44:36] Of a bad movie podcast

[44:38] And what would we be in that analogy

[44:41] Three doors down

[44:42] No that's not any good

[44:44] That's worse

[44:45] Citizen soldier right guys

[44:48] Yeah that's their song

[44:49] I saw it before a movie

[44:51] This is from Andrew

[44:54] Last name with hell

[44:55] Big family

[44:56] It's called

[44:58] donations more like don't asians whoa i don't like the way this is going and it says dear flop house

[45:05] kings while listening to the latest podcast i must say i grew incensed at the mention of donations

[45:09] and not the good incensed where you burn smell sticks but the bad one where you black out with

[45:14] rage and wake up at your aunt's house now i don't know what dan's job is probably carpet salesman

[45:19] he wishes nor what stewart's job is probably asian manicurist he wishes it's actually shockingly

[45:24] close but i do know what elliot's job is lead anchor for the daily show not quite true every

[45:29] day i turn on my television to the comedy network and i see elliot's face shining back at me the

[45:34] comedy network delivering the day's news in a comical fashion much like mad magazine but with

[45:39] less black to have a humor news anchor like elliot on the podcast and still ask for donations from

[45:44] bags of shit like myself is audacious beyond limits even those limits even if those limits

[45:49] are very large, like the limits of

[45:51] Utaro...

[45:52] Oh, Uatu, the watcher's site.

[45:55] Sorry. Or maybe the limits

[45:57] of a large rock. I know for a fact

[45:59] from the website MoneySnatchers.com

[46:01] that Elliot makes over $30

[46:03] per annum, which, after corrected

[46:05] for inflation, is equal to $300

[46:07] fund bucks at participating Shiba's

[46:09] pizza places. If that is not

[46:11] enough to fund your podcast, I can't imagine

[46:13] what your overhead must be, unless

[46:15] Elliot charges for his appearances.

[46:17] Which in that case, please find and close my PayPal password.

[46:20] Anyway, in closing, please help me buy the rights to the Showbiz Pizza franchise so I can make my film about the Rockafire explosion, which will be a gritty, Cassafetes-like drama.

[46:30] Gina Rollins is attached.

[46:31] If she's already attached, then...

[46:33] Sincerely, C. Everett Koop, former Surgeon General and current Puss Found.

[46:36] So that's from Andrew, last name withheld.

[46:39] He makes some good salient points.

[46:41] It's rare when you see an email written out of cut-out magazine letters.

[46:47] I will have him know that I contribute no money to this podcast, and Dan makes very little as he sells pencils on the street and has to pretend he's blind.

[46:57] I don't even contribute jokes or anything.

[47:00] Or sometimes yourself.

[47:01] You barely contribute your attention.

[47:03] To be honest, yes.

[47:04] I'm like Richie Rich where he would hang out with his poor friends and never help them or even buy them clothes without holes in them.

[47:13] The only time, like, they would come over to his house and then get into fucking irritating adventures.

[47:18] Yeah.

[47:19] That would end with them still poor.

[47:22] So irritating about their adventures.

[47:23] But they would go on adventures.

[47:25] Like, imagine going over to your super rich friend's house and only bad things seem to happen.

[47:30] Well, I hope.

[47:31] Like, you get lost and you don't get to, I don't know.

[47:34] Well, I hope that answers your question, Andrew.

[47:38] And that reminds me to thank you, thank our donators.

[47:45] Donors.

[47:46] Donors, that's what they're called.

[47:47] Donuts.

[47:47] Thank our donuts.

[47:49] Thank our Flophouse donuts.

[47:51] Our Hertz donuts.

[47:53] Alex T., Jin M., and Brian S.

[47:57] Thank you very much.

[47:59] Thanks, guys.

[47:59] We appreciate it.

[48:00] Thank you, donuts, for frosting the Flophouse deliciously.

[48:05] Thanks to listeners like you, shows like The Flophouse and Are You Being Served continue to stay on the air.

[48:10] No, no, don't say that.

[48:14] They're going to stop donating.

[48:15] Thanks to a grant by the Annenberg Foundation.

[48:17] But seriously, thank you.

[48:19] The Chubb Group.

[48:20] That's something, right?

[48:21] The Chubb Group?

[48:22] Well, it's a group of guys who, you know, not all the way.

[48:26] I don't know why they donate to PBS shows.

[48:35] Stuart is so mad at me.

[48:37] I think you're just doing this to vex me tonight.

[48:40] Stuart Vexington.

[48:43] You do look vexed.

[48:44] So this is titled The Contest Ruiner.

[48:48] It's one line.

[48:51] It's from John Lastname Withheld, and it says –

[48:53] I thought you were about to say John Lasseter.

[48:55] Pixar's John Lasseter is wondering – he says,

[49:00] just wondering why The Contest Ruiner sounds so much like Seven Pounds.

[49:05] How many different voices do you think Batman villains have?

[49:07] It's a salient point.

[49:09] Ah, I'm the Penguin.

[49:10] Well, it's the Joker.

[49:12] That's me.

[49:13] Now I'm Man-Bat and also Firebug.

[49:17] Killer Croc coming through.

[49:20] It's Bane here.

[49:22] Poison Ivy.

[49:23] I'm a girl.

[49:24] The only one that sounds different is Clayface.

[49:27] It sounds like the same thing but with peanut butter in his mouth.

[49:29] Yeah, and he sounds like Michael Caine a little bit.

[49:34] So, he totally dropped the ball in that setup, by the way.

[49:38] Yeah, come on.

[49:39] This one.

[49:40] Really devoted to the letters.

[49:42] Sorry.

[49:43] This one says, I was so entranced by the.

[49:47] You couldn't do your Michael Caine impression is what you're saying.

[49:49] Well, I was distracted by the title of the next email, which is.

[49:53] Don't do your Michael Caine impression.

[49:54] Michael, last name without.

[49:58] I heard you were making fun of me on your podcast, and I didn't appreciate it.

[50:03] I starred in the Cider House Rules

[50:04] And Alfie, the original

[50:08] Don't understand

[50:09] If that mode of speaking is copyrighted by me, Michael Caine

[50:12] Star of California Sweet

[50:14] No, the title of the next email is

[50:17] You are all hilarious, even Dan

[50:19] Backhanded compliment

[50:24] I mean, he said you're hilarious

[50:26] Yeah, well, tell us what the letter says, won't you?

[50:29] Well, he says

[50:31] A couple of weeks ago, my best friend was telling me about this great podcast he just started listening to.

[50:35] Called How'd It Get Made.

[50:36] He played Elliot's pitch for the Ziggy movie to seal the deal.

[50:44] Oh, nice.

[50:45] I went home that night and went straight to your website.

[50:47] First taste is free.

[50:48] And was forever disappointed.

[50:50] Now he says, you guys do the best and funniest show I've ever heard on any kind of radio, internet, conventional, or satellite.

[50:57] Wow.

[50:58] Well, there's some old – you should really listen to some old – there's some great Bob and Ray stuff.

[51:02] The Goon Show.

[51:03] What about those Car Talk guys?

[51:06] They can be funny at times.

[51:07] Yeah, Fireside Theater.

[51:08] Yeah, You Bet Your Life with Crouch and Marks was a great classic radio show.

[51:12] Yeah, No Soap Radio.

[51:13] Let's get back to the letter.

[51:13] Jack Benny, Fred Allen.

[51:15] Well, he says, one thing that I've noticed is that while you've seen a lot of bad, bad movies and a few good, bad movies, you haven't run into many movies you actually like.

[51:25] Well, the last two times we saw – but anyway.

[51:28] What was last – what was last week?

[51:30] Last week was –

[51:31] Oh, Night and Day, yeah.

[51:32] Yeah, that was all right, yeah.

[51:33] Makes sense, I guess, since likable bad movies are awfully rare.

[51:38] By the way, Elliot.

[51:39] Not Gooby.

[51:40] How did you manage to dodge out of watching Gooby with us, by the way?

[51:44] After I heard that episode, I really wanted to see it.

[51:48] Some mysterious circumstances surrounding your disappearance.

[51:51] Some mysterious circumstances that involve my wife wanting me to be home some nights.

[51:54] a mysterious affair at styles anyway i get the christy everyone continue please uh makes sense

[52:02] i guess since likable bad movies are awfully rare in college we called them turk movies after the

[52:07] cinema classic turk 182 a somewhat disturbing number of people agreed that turk 182 was a movie

[52:12] they could not honestly say is good but they would always watch and enjoy it whenever it came on tv

[52:17] personally while i do kind of like turk 182 i'll always sit down for streets of fire in which music

[52:23] gets played, Rick Moranis gets punched in the nose

[52:25] and Willem Dafoe gets in a sledgehammer fight

[52:28] and they're replacement killers.

[52:29] Yeah, and Diane Lane sings a lot

[52:31] in that movie. I mean in

[52:33] Streets of Fire. He's asking what

[52:35] our twerk movies might be.

[52:37] Movies that we don't honestly

[52:39] think are that great.

[52:41] I would say

[52:43] The Rocketeer,

[52:44] which is a very flawed movie that I watched

[52:47] again recently and it really doesn't work, but I did

[52:49] enjoy it a lot.

[52:50] I'm scanning my own

[52:53] DVD shelf as we speak, and I have to

[52:56] admit that the Monster

[52:58] Squad probably isn't that good a movie

[53:00] on an objective

[53:02] scale, but I do enjoy

[53:04] it. Science can't prove that it's good.

[53:06] No.

[53:07] I mean, I don't know. I feel like

[53:10] every movie I recommend is

[53:12] a movie that I genuinely like. I can't say

[53:14] that the story of Ricky

[53:16] is a great movie,

[53:18] but I can't help but watch it.

[53:20] I don't like things that are

[53:23] actually good i think yeah you prefer bad things yeah yeah you prefer to inflict pain on yourself

[53:29] food bad things yeah you don't care for this the finer things in life no okay well this is a

[53:37] sad yeah this is the last uh email for uh this episode but not forever right no we we this was

[53:45] not even all of the the we've got a backlog yeah keep them coming listeners yeah from when uh we

[53:52] I'd love to hear from you.

[53:53] Flophouse Mailbag.

[53:54] Let's dive in, shall we?

[53:55] But this is the last email for now.

[53:57] It's good lead on that one.

[53:59] And it's called A Wonderful Dream.

[54:01] I saved my intro to the last letter.

[54:03] Oh, yeah, Wonderful Dream.

[54:04] A Wonderful Dream from Matt.

[54:06] Matt Carman, middle name withheld.

[54:09] Wait, A Wonderful Dream.

[54:12] This isn't that slash fan fiction that that guy wrote, is it?

[54:14] Oh, God.

[54:15] It's not A Wonderful Dream.

[54:17] Dear the Flophouse.

[54:18] It's just too erotic.

[54:20] I recently watched the bucket list for the seventh time and began thinking of my own list of things to see before I die.

[54:26] Luckily, that list is one item long.

[54:28] I, before my hands, teeth, and genitals shrivel and fall away, would like to see the Flophouse perform live.

[54:35] Of course, the details would be up to you, but wouldn't it be great to see Dan McCoy, Stuart Wellington, and Elliot Kalin banter back and forth live during a screening of the oft-mentioned Twin Sitters?

[54:49] Starring the Barbarian Brothers?

[54:50] I can foresee my soul slipping into oblivion within the next few months.

[54:54] So Thursday, June 30th would be a perfect night.

[54:57] It could even take place at 92 Y Tribeca at 200 Hudson Street in Manhattan.

[55:02] The same place where Elliot hosts his monthly series of great old films.

[55:06] As seen in The New Yorker.

[55:07] Now don't take this the wrong way.

[55:09] But I have other loves besides the Flophouse.

[55:11] So maybe the evening could include a slideshow presentation and trivia round.

[55:15] Including prizes by Matt Carman

[55:17] And Ksenia Yarosh of I Love Bad Movies

[55:20] Yerosh

[55:20] The intelligent and hilarious

[55:23] Bi-yearly publication to which you gentlemen

[55:25] Are frequent contributors

[55:26] Anyway this is probably just some unlikely fever dream

[55:30] But it would sure ease my fear of imminent death

[55:32] Keep flopping in the free world

[55:34] Now uh

[55:36] I don't know if it's an amazing

[55:38] Coincidence or what

[55:39] But there's an actual event

[55:41] What are you doing here?

[55:43] I've got a bit

[55:45] june 30th which is what a thursday it's a thursday i have to take i have to take the

[55:51] night off work oh well we appreciate your sacrifice you've changed after we scheduled

[55:55] that you changed your work schedule thursday's a way better night than wednesday let's not work

[55:59] get into the argument over stewart's work schedule thursday june 30th at 92 y tribeca

[56:04] 200 hudson street manhattan as you heard what is it eight o'clock is the show 7 30 i don't know if

[56:09] If you go onto the 9GY website, it is listed now.

[56:12] And the picture that is on the website is of the Barbarian Brothers, not of me and Dan.

[56:18] I'd like to clarify that.

[56:21] We will be screening the movie Twin Sitters about twin bodybuilders who wear weird clothes.

[56:26] And babysit twin brat kids.

[56:29] And also featuring George Lazenby.

[56:32] Is he in it?

[56:33] Yeah, he's the villain.

[56:34] Oh, my God.

[56:35] Isn't he?

[56:36] Yeah, we talked about this and we watched it together.

[56:39] Yeah.

[56:39] We're going to be there.

[56:41] We're going to be talking.

[56:42] We'll be providing running commentary.

[56:44] If you've ever been watching a movie and thought, I wish my buddies at Flophouse were here talking over this movie, this is your chance.

[56:51] If you ever watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 and wanted to see that emulated poorly.

[56:56] Yeah.

[56:56] But right in front of you.

[56:58] Imagine an equivalent to that that is not legally actionable.

[57:03] And that's the Flophouse presents Twin Sitters.

[57:07] Yeah.

[57:07] So we can't use the robot movies.

[57:09] We can, but not those robots.

[57:11] In conjunction with I Love Bad Movies.

[57:13] The best bad movie zine there is.

[57:15] Yeah, and if you go to ilovebadmovies.com, they've recently purchased that domain name.

[57:20] So you can go and you can check out that bad movie zine.

[57:24] If you're not sated by this podcast.

[57:26] And to kind of ease your hunger over waiting until June 30th.

[57:31] Yeah, because an episode of The Flophouse just makes me hungry for more.

[57:35] If I was a listener at home and not me, the guy making this thing.

[57:40] Unfortunately, I feel like we've talked so long that we can't sate your hunger for more.

[57:47] Yeah, that is unfortunate.

[57:48] We're going to have to push our recommendations next time.

[57:50] We're going to have to leave the audience wanting something.

[57:52] Yep.

[57:53] So Balto is what Dan recommends, right?

[57:57] Dan wanted to recommend the animated film Balto, but no time for that this week.

[58:01] We're going to have to sign off.

[58:02] My life is a house.

[58:03] Just make sure to clear off June 30th on your calendar because you will be flopping away with the floppers in flop time.

[58:10] It costs money, but not that much money.

[58:12] No, not that much money.

[58:13] It costs more than the podcast, but it costs less than a house.

[58:15] Okay.

[58:16] That sounds great.

[58:17] The perfect amount.

[58:19] So, guys, it's been great to spend some time with you.

[58:24] Watch a Nicholas Cage film.

[58:26] Always, Dan.

[58:26] Quit rubbing my knee, Elliot.

[58:29] No, I think I'm going to keep going.

[58:31] All right, well, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[58:35] Oh, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[58:36] And I am Elliot Kalin.

[58:39] Good night, everybody.

[58:39] Are we going to talk about this on the show?

[58:45] Oh, yeah.

[58:46] Make sure we get this serious political discussion.

[58:49] Welcome to Bin Laden Report.

[58:51] Well, if I can tell one thing from our fans is that they want to hear my political views on things.

[58:59] Sure.

[59:00] What does the house cat think about raising the debt ceiling?

[59:03] I'm like, boobs indeed, house cat.

[59:06] Boobs.

The Flop House: Episode #80 - The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Transcript

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