The Flop House: Episode #81 - The Roommate

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss single white female for tweens, the roommate.

[0:06] And remember to stop by www.flophousepodcast.com for information about our live Flophouse event.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:44] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:45] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:46] We're all back again.

Stuart Wellington

[0:48] Hey guys, I don't mean to interrupt you, Dan.

[0:50] Okay, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[0:51] I have derailed instantly.

[0:53] Right off the bat.

[0:55] The train, the penny was on the track, apparently, under the train when it started.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01] Are we talking about fucking penny and a dinosaur again?

[1:04] Yeah.

[1:06] We'll get there.

[1:07] We'll get there.

[1:08] So I just want to share something with you guys and our listeners at home or in their car going to their boring day job.

[1:17] They're listening to this on Satellite XM.

[1:19] Yeah, they're going on their daily commute to their grind, their boring jobs.

[1:28] Wow.

[1:28] I just got a new job, guys.

[1:31] Oh, wow.

[1:32] Just wanted to be – everybody already seemed excited about their jobs.

[1:37] I just got a job at The Daily Show.

[1:41] Really?

[1:41] Yeah.

[1:42] That's great.

Dan McCoy

[1:42] That does not seem right.

[1:43] That's great, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44] No, yeah, I did.

[1:44] What are you going to be doing there?

[1:45] I am an animal wrangler.

[1:48] We needed one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] We've needed one for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50] A lot of dogs.

[1:51] It was mainly scorpions.

[1:53] Oh, really?

[1:54] Yeah.

[1:55] But, yeah, all kinds of animal wrangling.

[1:58] Bathing.

[2:00] Bathing scorpions.

[2:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] With, like, using a toothbrush on their shells?

Stuart Wellington

[2:04] Yeah, of course.

[2:04] And a little bit of sanitizer fluid.

Dan McCoy

[2:06] I have not been paying attention for the past week or so, but that doesn't seem correct.

[2:10] I don't think that's –

[2:10] I believe him.

Stuart Wellington

[2:11] It's a variety show.

[2:12] You've probably seen it before.

[2:13] It's The Daily Show.

[2:14] A lot of music or variety show.

[2:16] A lot of scorpion acts.

[2:16] It's on Hulu, I think.

[2:18] Yes, that's a great –

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] Are you sure you're not just taking care of our in-house band, the Scorpions?

Stuart Wellington

[2:24] Well, I do that too, but that's –

[2:25] Because they are –

[2:26] I'm not being paid for that.

[2:27] Oh, okay.

[2:28] I just do that.

[2:30] Because I am a Scorpions mega fan.

[2:32] Mega fan.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] You can name more than one of their songs.

Stuart Wellington

[2:36] Such as?

[2:37] Rock You Like a Hurricane.

[2:38] That's the one.

[2:39] That's one.

[2:39] Okay.

[2:40] And another one.

[2:41] And Dust in the Wind.

Elliott Kalan

[2:45] I don't think that's a Scorpion song.

[2:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:48] It was when they called them from Kansas.

[2:50] Winds of Change.

[2:51] Is that –

[2:51] Winds of Chains?

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Winds of Chains.

[2:54] That must be the most dangerous storm in the world.

[2:57] Is Chains whipping around?

Dan McCoy

[2:58] The Wind of Change.

[2:59] The Winds of Chains.

Elliott Kalan

[3:00] I don't know what you're talking about.

[3:01] Is that Scorpions?

[3:01] I think they have three songs.

[3:03] Rock Me Like a Hurricane, Scorpions the song, and Scorpions 2 the other song.

[3:07] Okay.

[3:08] And the Scorpions the song goes, Scorpions.

[3:10] We're the Scorpions.

[3:13] Scorpions.

[3:13] It's like that over and over again.

Stuart Wellington

[3:15] I mean we have a little more time.

[3:17] We've got a lot.

[3:18] We have nothing but time on this podcast.

[3:20] There's nothing scheduled.

[3:22] So I just want to bring that up mainly to get the congratulations.

[3:27] Congratulations.

[3:28] Thanks, Elliot.

[3:28] I appreciate it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:29] There is no – you have taken the thunder.

[3:31] I am.

[3:31] Any other announcement would seem pitiful.

[3:33] So tune into The Daily Show.

Stuart Wellington

[3:35] You'll see if you see any animals.

[3:38] Stuart will be all probably wrangled in.

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] You'll see probably Stuart's hand reaching in from out of the corner holding a peanut butter

[3:43] sandwich up to a member of the band, the Scorpions.

[3:45] Yeah, you'll –

[3:45] To get them to keep playing.

Stuart Wellington

[3:47] If there's a scar on my hand, it's probably the scar I got playing flag football.

[3:53] With Scorpions.

[3:55] With – well, their flags are very tiny on their little carapaces.

[4:00] Yeah.

[4:00] It's hard to pull them off without getting stung.

[4:02] I like to call it a carapace.

[4:03] Okay.

[4:04] Well, that's fair.

[4:05] I mean it's the same thing but it just sounds cooler.

[4:08] I mean –

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] Like a Gartham's carapace in Joe Crystal.

[4:11] There's not a single word cooler than exoskeleton.

Dan McCoy

[4:16] All right.

[4:17] Hold on.

[4:18] Let's take a break for this siren outside.

[4:20] Just all imagine where it could be going.

[4:22] It's just more New York realism.

[4:24] Yeah.

[4:26] You know, it would seem –

[4:28] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[4:28] Siren.

[4:29] Okay.

[4:30] It's probably –

[4:31] And sirens.

[4:33] Okay.

[4:33] Good.

[4:33] Keep going.

[4:35] You know, it would seem churlish of me to make an announcement at this point but –

[4:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:40] Why don't we just get right into the meat of the flopcast?

[4:42] The roommate.

[4:43] Okay.

[4:43] It seems that –

Dan McCoy

[4:44] Starring Minka, crazy and –

Elliott Kalan

[4:46] Elliot.

[4:47] Meet and bister.

[4:49] Elliot has deliberately one-upped me on several occasions.

[4:52] Cam Gajangit.

[4:54] Yes.

[4:54] Gigantic.

[4:54] I don't know if I would say I one-upped you.

[4:56] You would be like, oh, like I went camping and it was fun and I'd be like, I was at the

[5:00] Emmys and I won one.

[5:01] Or you'd be like, oh, you know, I met this guy.

[5:04] You know, you hadn't heard of him but I've been a fan of his music and I'd be like, well,

[5:07] I fist bumped the president.

Dan McCoy

[5:08] Sure.

[5:08] Well, I – someone argued that's the definition of one-upping.

[5:12] I don't think so.

[5:13] It's more like a hundred-upping.

[5:14] I mean, I feel like –

Elliott Kalan

[5:15] Like a hundred better than you.

[5:17] Stuart has thrown down his own.

[5:18] I think Elliot's joke was funnier than yours too.

[5:20] I don't mean to –

[5:21] Thank you, sir.

Dan McCoy

[5:22] Well, he's been a writer for The Daily Show for quite some time.

[5:26] Who?

[5:27] The Daily Show.

[5:28] No, who's been a writer for The Daily Show?

[5:29] I like how you said who and you said The Daily Show, which is not a person.

[5:34] Elliot's been a writer.

[5:35] Oh, yeah.

[5:36] For The Daily Show for quite some time.

[5:37] Yeah, that show he works on.

[5:37] So he's good at making jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] Wait, we work on the same show?

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] You didn't realize that?

[5:42] No, I didn't.

[5:42] I interviewed you for the job.

[5:44] Oh, no kidding.

[5:44] Yeah.

[5:45] Why do you wear a mustache?

[5:46] So they asked me to do that so I could do that.

[5:47] Okay, and a hat.

[5:49] More on hats later.

[5:50] Damn.

Dan McCoy

[5:51] And there will be more on hats later.

[5:53] No, I just wanted – I just want to let you know that I –

[5:56] Hey, Stuart, did you get a haircut?

[5:57] Okay.

[5:57] You're looking really good.

Stuart Wellington

[5:58] Nope.

[5:59] I just did.

[6:00] I just put some water in it when I went to the bathroom.

[6:02] Tips of the pros.

[6:03] Here's the thing.

[6:03] Stuart sets up a bit.

[6:06] Pro tip.

Dan McCoy

[6:08] Stuart really enjoys setting up a bit and then preventing the bit from paying off.

[6:11] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[6:12] What is the payoff, Dan?

[6:13] Make your announcement.

Dan McCoy

[6:14] The payoff is that I got hired as a writer for that particular television program.

[6:19] And what show is that?

[6:20] That's The Daily Show.

[6:21] Yay.

[6:22] With John Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] Mazel tov.

[6:24] Today you are a professional comedy writer.

[6:26] Well, technically the Tuesday after Memorial Day.

Dan McCoy

[6:28] It took a while, but I finally stopped making a liar of the New York Times, which listed

[6:32] me as a comedy writer in my wedding announcement.

[6:35] And what year was that?

[6:37] That was quite some time ago.

[6:39] We've been married for about six years, I think.

[6:41] About six years.

[6:42] About.

Dan McCoy

[6:42] That's probably what his wife says.

[6:43] I can't remember.

[6:45] Hold on.

[6:46] Yeah, there are abouts.

Elliott Kalan

[6:47] I don't remember the year you were married.

Dan McCoy

[6:48] I remember what year I was married.

[6:49] I came from the –

[6:50] 2010.

[6:51] You know what?

[6:52] I came with a mnemonic to remember what year it was, and I've forgotten what that mnemonic

[6:56] device was.

[6:57] Well, one, it's pronounced mnemonic.

Stuart Wellington

[6:58] Okay.

[6:59] No, you can say mnemonic.

[7:00] That sounds funnier.

[7:01] Okay.

[7:02] You shouldn't correct him when he says it wrong.

[7:03] Sorry, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:05] What were we talking about?

[7:07] The Roommates.

[7:08] Okay.

[7:08] The movie we watched.

[7:09] You got a job as a writer at The Daily Show.

[7:11] Okay.

[7:11] I'm very excited.

Stuart Wellington

[7:12] And you had a scary roommate.

Elliott Kalan

[7:15] Yes.

[7:15] You won't have a scary roommate.

[7:17] I know who your roommate's going to be.

[7:18] Oh, that's good.

[7:18] Minka Kelly.

[7:19] Minka Kelly or Cam Gajanchet.

Dan McCoy

[7:23] No, I don't want to linger on this either, but I don't want to.

[7:26] So let's keep moving.

[7:27] I just think it's clear that being on The Flophouse.

[7:29] So you're trying to warn the fact that I got a job as an animal wrangler.

[7:32] No, I'm just saying that clearly being on The Flophouse is a fast track to being employed

[7:37] at The Daily Show.

[7:37] Well, at this point.

[7:38] Yeah, that's what I thought.

Elliott Kalan

[7:39] Fully 66.666% repeating of The Flophouse is a writer for The Daily Show.

[7:44] Yeah.

[7:45] Very exciting.

[7:45] You'll have to change your bio on the website.

[7:47] Oh, God.

[7:48] Yeah, that's a real pain.

[7:49] So many things to do.

[7:50] So many things to do before Tuesday.

[7:52] You have to change your occupation on Facebook from hateful drone.

[7:56] To comedy writer.

Dan McCoy

[7:57] You know, I told my friends, though.

[7:59] I said to them.

[7:59] I was like.

[8:00] A television writer.

[8:01] I told them.

[8:01] Don't worry.

[8:03] I'll complain just as much as before.

[8:05] You'll just be less sympathetic about it.

[8:07] Oh, yes.

[8:08] I've learned that.

[8:09] So, guys.

[8:10] That's all for Job Cast.

[8:11] If the listeners out there.

[8:13] The job house.

[8:15] If you've grown to love the hateful, sad Dan McCoy.

[8:18] Don't worry.

[8:18] He's not going anywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[8:19] Oh, if anything.

[8:20] He will only become more alienated from his own work.

[8:23] Yeah.

[8:23] I'm just kidding.

[8:24] It's a great place.

[8:25] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[8:26] That's not what this podcast is about.

[8:29] This podcast is about The Roommate.

[8:31] Starring.

[8:32] The Roommate.

[8:33] Starring.

[8:33] Minka Kelly.

[8:34] Kink Melly.

[8:35] And Leighton Meester.

Elliott Kalan

[8:36] And Cam Gajandit.

[8:38] Hey, guys.

[8:38] Nobody in this movie has a.

[8:39] And Pam Gajandit.

[8:40] It's the most reasonable name in this movie is Billy Zane.

[8:45] Which sounds like Billy Insane.

Dan McCoy

[8:47] Or Billy Zaney.

[8:49] Yeah, what's this?

[8:50] This movie is about two ladies that look like each other.

[8:53] They look kind of.

[8:53] They don't look that much like each other.

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] What's up with parents naming their kids silly names nowadays?

[8:57] Like.

[8:58] Know what I mean?

[8:58] I mean all of the people in this movie are in their late 20s.

[9:01] So.

Dan McCoy

[9:02] It's not really nowadays.

[9:03] You're like trying to get me to steal your catchphrase.

[9:05] Your famous catchphrase.

[9:06] Is this a bit?

[9:07] Yeah.

[9:08] Now I know.

[9:08] It's famous catchphrase.

Elliott Kalan

[9:10] It's not even the most famous of his three or four dozen catchphrases.

[9:14] Well, the most famous catchphrase is just a noise.

Dan McCoy

[9:17] What would that noise be?

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] I will not do it on command.

[9:21] Yeah, we have to wait until the house cat wanders into the room.

[9:23] Yep.

[9:24] It's like urinating in public.

[9:27] You have to kind of focus and just be quiet and maybe it'll happen.

[9:30] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[9:31] Well, we watched The Roommate with Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester and Cam Gajandit and

[9:38] Billy Zane.

Dan McCoy

[9:38] And Allie Michalka.

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] Allie Michalka.

[9:43] Let's just point out that Billy Zane is a reoccurring Flophouse favorite.

[9:45] Yep.

[9:46] Yes.

[9:47] We need a sound effect for that.

[9:48] And just a favorite in my.

Dan McCoy

[9:50] I like that.

[9:52] It's pretty good.

[9:53] Yeah.

[9:53] It's just a favorite in my life.

[9:54] Like a fog horn?

[9:56] It's a Billy Zane horn.

[9:56] Yeah.

[9:58] In honor of his work in Dead Calm.

Stuart Wellington

[10:00] And Titanic.

[10:01] Yeah.

[10:02] It's for when the shrimp boats are coming in on a foggy night and they need to know where

[10:07] the Billy Zane's at.

[10:08] So they don't get raped.

[10:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:09] There's a giant glowing Billy Zane out on the point.

[10:13] Hey, dude.

[10:13] Kelly Brooke liked it.

[10:14] Yeah.

[10:15] Wow.

[10:15] Okay.

[10:16] That's all I'm saying.

[10:17] Do you think that's because he kind of looks like a giant penis?

[10:20] I mean, maybe like.

[10:21] Do you think that suggests something in a woman's mind?

[10:23] I'd like to see the penises you're looking at.

[10:26] Well, they all have stubble.

[10:28] That's interesting.

[10:28] And weird toothy faces.

[10:29] They all smash evil.

[10:31] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] Slam evil, Dan.

[10:33] Oh, sorry.

[10:33] He slammed evil as the Phantom.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] Who smashes evil?

[10:36] I guess the Hulk would smash evil.

[10:38] Hulk just smashes things.

Elliott Kalan

[10:40] He literally, Hulk smash.

[10:41] He just smashes.

[10:42] Yeah.

[10:43] No one smashes evil.

[10:44] There's no object in that sentence.

[10:47] He's leaving it open-ended.

[10:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:50] No one smashes evil.

[10:51] So we would explain what this movie is except for it's exactly a single white female.

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] It is the movie single white female but set at a college dorm.

[10:59] And all the college students are obviously in their late 20s.

[11:02] We didn't get any closure.

Dan McCoy

[11:04] Who's the Steven Weber character then?

[11:06] Well, I mean, I guess he's the old...

[11:09] The ex-boyfriend?

[11:10] Well, that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[11:11] In single white female, correct me if I'm wrong, she has a boyfriend and...

Dan McCoy

[11:15] They broke up but then they got back together.

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] And then the roommate steals the boyfriend.

[11:18] Wants to steal the boyfriend away.

[11:20] Or tries to seduce him.

Dan McCoy

[11:20] Well, I mean, she seduces him and then kills him by slamming the heel of a spiked...

[11:26] A stiletto pump.

[11:27] A stiletto pump.

Elliott Kalan

[11:27] Because in this one, there's an old boyfriend that the heroine doesn't like anymore.

[11:32] And there's a new boyfriend.

[11:33] The heroine?

[11:34] Yeah.

[11:34] The hero who's a girl.

[11:36] Heroette.

[11:36] Sorry.

[11:36] The heroette.

[11:38] Heroix.

[11:38] The heroine.

[11:39] Okay.

[11:40] We call it.

[11:41] Well, that's a drug.

[11:43] It's also the way it's pronounced.

[11:44] A very dangerous one.

[11:45] I don't think so.

[11:46] The heroine has a new boyfriend, Squinty McCamjigangit.

[11:51] Sure.

[11:51] Who's always squinting and making his eyebrows go crazy and is kind of gay and...

[11:57] But he's a drummer.

[11:58] But he's a drummer for a band called The Walthers.

[12:00] So he's going to get away.

[12:01] Named after James Bond's gun.

[12:03] Sure.

[12:03] But there's also an ex-boyfriend, Jason, who keeps calling the heroine and the crazy roommate

[12:11] seduces...

[12:13] Pretends to be her and they have sex.

[12:14] And then she kills him with a box cutter.

[12:17] Mm-hmm.

[12:19] She stabs him twice and he immediately expires.

[12:22] So basically, for those of you who haven't seen SWF or Single White Female...

[12:26] Sure.

[12:26] ...not to be confused with SFW, the movie.

Dan McCoy

[12:30] Right.

[12:31] I'm just trying to remember what that stands for.

[12:34] Single Female White.

Elliott Kalan

[12:35] Yeah, I think that was it.

[12:36] Okay.

[12:37] The...

[12:38] So Minka Kelly is a college student at the University of Los Angeles.

[12:43] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[12:44] It's a university for older students, I would imagine.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] Yes, because they're all not...

[12:49] It's the only college I've seen where everyone has crow's feet and smile lines.

[12:54] Yeah.

[12:54] So Minka Kelly.

[12:55] Minka Kelly.

Dan McCoy

[12:55] Let's call her Lila Garrity just to make it easier.

[12:58] Lila Garrity.

[12:59] That's her character on Sunday night.

[13:01] On the Friday night lights.

[13:02] Friday night...

[13:03] What night is that on?

[13:04] Friday.

Elliott Kalan

[13:06] And what's the light situation like?

[13:07] Do they have them?

[13:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:10] Presumably.

[13:11] So it's during the day?

[13:11] It's in the title.

[13:13] Well, there's lights on the show, and then there's lights in the tubes of your television

[13:18] set.

[13:18] No, that's not how televisions work.

Stuart Wellington

[13:19] So I'm assuming that her character left the show to go...

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] Tubes in your television set.

[13:23] All right, Grandpa.

[13:24] Why don't I use the clicker?

[13:26] Oh, they aren't invented yet.

[13:27] I guess I'll get up and turn the dial to the UHF station.

[13:30] Ah, I didn't...

[13:31] I mean, we're...

[13:32] I don't want to tell you...

[13:33] Tubes in your televisions.

[13:34] Oh, hold on.

[13:35] I got to walk across the room to use the telephone.

[13:38] And it uses a rotary dial.

Dan McCoy

[13:40] I didn't want to take...

[13:41] I don't want to do this, but I have to take my mask off, and it's me.

[13:44] Philo P. Farnsworth.

[13:46] Oh, no.

[13:46] Hey, guys.

[13:47] What's up?

[13:48] Your voice didn't change at all.

[13:50] No.

[13:50] It's not a very good disguise.

[13:52] Sure.

[13:53] So their students...

[13:54] So Lila Garrity left Friday Night Lights to go to college.

[13:57] To go to college.

[13:57] And I'm presuming that she...

[13:59] This is the college she moved to.

[13:59] And she moves in with Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl.

[14:02] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] Who is Leighton Meister.

[14:04] Leighton Meister.

[14:05] I think it's Leighton Meister, but I have no idea.

[14:08] They all have crazy names.

[14:09] Yeah.

[14:10] Anyway, she moves in with Leighton.

[14:11] And it turns out Leighton Meister is the artsy, smart girl who is also crazy, of course.

[14:17] Wants to be her roommate.

[14:18] Is threatening anyone she sees as an obstacle in her way.

[14:21] She wants to be insider.

[14:23] I mean, insider skin as her.

[14:24] Crime insider.

[14:25] No.

[14:26] Beer.

[14:26] It's really creepy.

[14:27] What, a twan-ton?

[14:28] Yeah.

[14:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] To keep warm on the steps of Hoth after shooting a probe droid.

[14:34] Okay.

[14:35] Anyway.

[14:35] I'm actually more excited than I was.

Dan McCoy

[14:38] This is...

[14:38] Make it Kella does smell bad on the outside.

Elliott Kalan

[14:40] The characters spend a lot of time...

[14:41] Oh, okay.

[14:41] The characters spend a lot of time just kind of wandering around and not doing very much.

[14:46] And there's not a lot of other students.

[14:48] It's like Saved by the Bell, the college years, in that there's no one at the college except

[14:51] the main characters.

[14:52] And like a few extras, and it gets to the point where by the last third of the movie, anytime

[14:57] you see an extra walk by, you're like, where are they going?

[15:00] What's their story about?

[15:01] Yeah.

[15:02] It creates a real, believable world, is what I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[15:05] Claustrophobic.

[15:06] And...

[15:07] On some level, it makes the threat seem more genuine, because this crazy girl, like there's

[15:13] no...

[15:13] She hasn't...

[15:14] The non-crazy girl has no one to turn to.

[15:16] No one to turn.

[15:16] Because there's only like two other people.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] Yeah.

[15:19] And she...

[15:21] The non-crazy girl gets a boyfriend, who meets her by literally bumping into her and

[15:25] spilling beer all over her.

[15:27] On purpose.

[15:28] He's the drummer in a band.

[15:30] They, of course, hit it off, because he's a jerk.

Stuart Wellington

[15:33] Well, their relationship was initially based on her drinking punch that was spiked.

[15:38] Without her realizing it.

Dan McCoy

[15:40] Which she was surprised about.

[15:41] She was at a college party and was surprised that the punch was loaded with alcohol.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] Well, here's the thing.

[15:45] What's...

[15:46] You pointed out pretty early on, Stuart.

[15:48] What is the defining characteristic of the main character?

Stuart Wellington

[15:50] Hat.

[15:51] Hat wearing, right?

[15:52] The other one.

[15:52] But the other one's two of them.

[15:54] Just two of them.

[15:54] Her character...

[15:55] Repeatedly through this movie, the character puts things in her mouth that other people

[15:59] hands her without questioning it.

[16:01] Whether it's spiked punch...

[16:02] Pills.

[16:03] Pills.

[16:03] Given to her by a crazy person.

[16:06] Coffee.

[16:07] Booze.

[16:08] People buy her booze.

[16:09] Like, it seems like they make a point of showing other people giving her things.

Elliott Kalan

[16:12] At one point, she puts a drink down in a bar, walks away, comes back, and just picks

[16:17] up a drink and drinks it.

[16:18] And you don't even know for sure that it's her drink.

[16:20] Yeah.

[16:20] She could just be drinking anything.

Stuart Wellington

[16:22] This is almost porn for potential date rapists.

[16:25] Yeah.

[16:25] Like, the idea of, like, this is the perfect candidate for them to go after.

[16:30] And what was her other characteristic?

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] Hats and scarves.

[16:33] Yeah, she wears a lot of hats and scarves, which is contagious.

[16:36] Billy Zane is wearing hats and scarves.

Dan McCoy

[16:37] Well, they're both in the style industry.

[16:39] What you have to understand is that hats and scarves means style.

Elliott Kalan

[16:41] That's right.

[16:42] We didn't mention that.

[16:42] Billy Zane teaches her fashion design class.

Dan McCoy

[16:45] He's the Tim Gunn of this universe.

Elliott Kalan

[16:46] Except he's super straight and hits on his students.

Dan McCoy

[16:48] And he wears, like, Paul Prudhomme hats.

Elliott Kalan

[16:52] Yeah, they look kind of like newsboy caps.

[16:55] He should be fighting Hearst's monopoly over the pape industry.

[17:00] But anyway, she has this new roommate.

[17:02] The roommate intimidates people.

[17:05] This other girl who she's friends with, the roommate tracks her down in the showers and

[17:11] beats her up and then pulls her belly button ring out.

[17:16] Not as hot as it sounds, by the way.

[17:17] No, it's not very good.

Dan McCoy

[17:19] But if you ever wanted to see Allie Michkala of television's Hellcats.

[17:26] Michalka.

[17:27] And what was that?

[17:28] Oh, she was also the friend in Easy A.

[17:30] Yeah, you recommended that.

[17:31] She was in Phil of the Future.

[17:34] She's friends with Easy E.

[17:35] If you wanted to see her belly button ring get pulled out, this is your chance.

[17:40] What is Phil of the Future?

[17:42] It was a Disney children's, like, tween sitcom.

[17:45] I don't like that you know that.

[17:46] I'm uncomfortable right now.

Elliott Kalan

[17:48] Yeah.

[17:49] Anyway, things escalate, or rather they don't.

[17:52] They just kind of keep plodding along until finally...

[17:55] They excalate.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] I wish things escalated.

[17:57] If they excalated, there would be a reason for this movie to exist.

Stuart Wellington

[18:00] There's very little, like, thrills or anything.

[18:03] They did manage to sneak in the crazy roommate masturbation sequence.

[18:07] Yes.

[18:08] Albeit slightly different than...

Elliott Kalan

[18:10] See, crazy roommate accepts a call on her roommate's phone from the ex-boyfriend Jason, and they masturbate with each other over their phone while, in another location, Minka is having sex with her new boyfriend, the drummer.

[18:22] And there's a lot of close-ups of teeth.

[18:24] I love the...

[18:24] Because the Danish director, Christian E. Christensen, apparently thinks that teeth are very sexy.

[18:28] I mean, son of Christian, Christian son of Christian, right?

[18:31] Something like that, yeah.

[18:33] And, uh...

[18:34] They've been Christian for at least two generations.

Stuart Wellington

[18:35] And the crazy girl, while masturbating, is also staring at a childhood picture of her roommate, Minka Kelly, and her dead older sister.

[18:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] Things get...

[18:44] The final straw that breaks...

Stuart Wellington

[18:45] I mean, she's not dead in a picture.

[18:47] That'd be really weird.

Elliott Kalan

[18:48] The final straw that breaks Minka Kelly's back, metaphorically, is that she has a tattoo of her sister's name, Emily, on her boob.

Stuart Wellington

[18:55] The classiest place to get a tattoo.

[18:57] Of a dead sister.

Elliott Kalan

[18:59] In memoriam.

[18:59] And her crazy roommate goes to get a tattoo, and she gets the same tattoo and starts saying, you can consider me your sister.

[19:06] Pretend I'm your sister.

[19:08] That is too much for Minka Kelly, and things escalate to the point where they have a knock-down, drag-out fight that involves people getting things smashed over their heads and punched and, like, pointing guns at each other and getting knocked out of windows.

Dan McCoy

[19:22] Minka Kelly's lesbian best friend who's been tied to the bed for apparently three days.

[19:27] Not as hot as it sounds.

[19:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] There's a lot of things that in description sound very, like, titillating or sleazy but come off as boring.

Stuart Wellington

[19:35] Like putting a kitten in a dryer.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] That's right.

[19:38] They pick up a stray kitten named Cuddles, or they name it Cuddles.

Stuart Wellington

[19:41] Yeah, I mean, it doesn't tell them its name is Cuddles or anything.

Elliott Kalan

[19:43] It hands them a business card.

[19:45] Hey, my name's Cuddles.

[19:45] Take care of me.

Stuart Wellington

[19:46] A business card that says Cuddles, kitten.

[19:48] Where do they get business cards?

Elliott Kalan

[19:50] You just get them for free.

[19:51] Staples.

[19:51] Oh, okay.

[19:52] On the other side of the business card, there's an ad for the business card company.

[19:56] I would love to see that now.

[19:57] A movie where an animal hands a business card designer.

Stuart Wellington

[19:59] Yeah.

[20:03] Well, I mean, most likely it'd be like a cartoon, and it would be an animal detective or something.

Elliott Kalan

[20:10] That's the animal who solves crimes, not a detective who looks – because there is a pet detective movie already.

[20:14] Uh-huh.

[20:15] In fact, three of them.

Stuart Wellington

[20:16] Oh, really?

[20:16] What's the deal there?

[20:18] Is it a comedy?

[20:19] A thriller?

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] It's a Holocaust drama.

[20:22] Okay.

[20:23] Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

Dan McCoy

[20:24] I'm surprised you don't remember it.

[20:27] It was a Best Picture winner.

[20:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:28] I – yeah, I usually don't see those movies.

[20:32] The nudity just makes me sad often.

[20:34] Wow.

[20:34] I mean, when there's nudity, it makes me sad in those movies.

[20:37] It's not like –

Elliott Kalan

[20:37] Anything else in those movies makes you happy.

[20:40] It's just the nudity that makes you sad.

Stuart Wellington

[20:41] Well, no, I mean – but I don't like being –

[20:43] He's talking about his penis.

[20:45] Yeah.

[20:46] Wait, my penis makes me sad?

Elliott Kalan

[20:48] This is a bigger issue than we have time to deal with on the podcast.

[20:51] Anyway, in the end –

Stuart Wellington

[20:53] Wait, wait, wait.

[20:54] I want to go back to this.

[20:56] So there's a pet detective?

[20:59] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[21:00] Yes.

[21:01] He's not – the detective isn't someone's pet.

Stuart Wellington

[21:04] He's a detective.

[21:05] Oh, the detective who finds pets.

[21:06] That works about pets.

[21:07] Yeah.

[21:07] It's a pet-related business.

[21:09] So it's not a pet that's actually a detective.

[21:11] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] It's a detective who finds pets.

[21:13] Okay.

[21:14] It's like Petco is not a company run by pets.

Stuart Wellington

[21:17] Well, I assume not.

[21:18] And pets.com is not a website.

[21:19] But it is where the pets go, right?

[21:22] No, people go to get things for their pets.

Elliott Kalan

[21:24] I'm all confused.

[21:26] Let's go back to the roommate.

[21:27] All right.

[21:27] The roommate.

[21:28] Well, they have a stray cat named Cuddles, and I'm not sure why the roommate decides to kill it,

[21:34] but she just puts it in the dryer in the campus laundry room.

Dan McCoy

[21:40] It was very sad.

[21:41] Yeah, Stuart.

[21:42] Yeah.

[21:42] I remember you being curious.

[21:43] I bet it was hilarious for like a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[21:45] No.

[21:45] No, I bet like just for a minute, and then it gets sad real quick.

[21:50] I mean, the willingness –

[21:51] It's like slapstick comedy.

[21:52] I mean, it's funny until somebody actually gets hurt, right?

Dan McCoy

[21:54] You know, like the trustingness of this –

[21:55] Yeah, like a Jackie Chan thing.

[21:56] – of this kitty.

[21:58] And then how sad it was.

[21:59] It's hard in Jackie Chan movies.

Elliott Kalan

[22:01] I mean, the sad part.

[22:01] I mean, I was – what I expected was this is like a single white female fatal attraction type movie.

[22:06] I expected her to cook the cat and try to serve it to the roommate.

[22:10] Yeah.

[22:10] They really wasted the potential of the cat.

Dan McCoy

[22:11] Like Titus Andronicus.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] Yes, like Titus Andronicus where they cook the man's – where they cook the woman's sons and feed them to her.

[22:19] Sure.

[22:19] It's the same thing.

[22:21] Exactly.

[22:21] It's the same thing.

[22:22] Like 4 and 20 blackbirds based in a pie.

[22:24] Sure.

[22:26] So that was sad.

[22:27] But that's the movie.

[22:28] Like it's the simplest plot in the world and they somehow still fuck it up.

Dan McCoy

[22:31] Pardon my French.

[22:32] Here's something that I don't care for in this movie.

[22:35] Thank you.

[22:36] This movie seems to be anti –

[22:39] The –

[22:40] Anti-roommate.

[22:41] Sensitive, arty, sort of intelligent girl with taste.

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] If you like to draw and you go to museums.

[22:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:50] And if you don't think that The Devil Wears Prada is the greatest movie like Minka Kelly does, you're the crazy one.

[22:56] If you're the one who doesn't like to go out to the club and dance, then you obviously have something wrong with you.

Elliott Kalan

[23:01] This is a movie where the good friend who gets scared away by the evil roommate gets drunk at a party and flashes a bunch of guys with cameras.

[23:08] Yeah.

[23:10] But the –

[23:11] And you know this just –

Stuart Wellington

[23:12] I mean I don't think it's really any different than the like country versus city thing that you see in every other like comedy.

Dan McCoy

[23:20] You're just like in the same anti-sophistication sort of –

[23:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:23] I mean it is hard to do a pro-smart people, pro-sophistication comedy.

[23:29] Without coming off as like Jackoff.

[23:30] Like they're pretty stupid.

[23:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:32] Exactly.

[23:33] I mean they're still all about boobs and getting laid.

Elliott Kalan

[23:35] But like if you made a snobs versus slobs movie –

Dan McCoy

[23:38] And coercing women into sleeping with them by putting on the costume of their boyfriend.

[23:42] Much like in The Roommate.

[23:44] Sure.

[23:44] And cheating at all the –

[23:46] But she's the bad guy in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[23:48] I thought the nerds were the bad guys.

[23:50] That's why they get revenge.

[23:52] And the whole time –

[23:53] You got to talk about this earlier.

[23:54] And the whole time in Revenge of the Nerds when they're going through that contest with the other frat,

[23:59] they like cheat at every single contest that they win.

[24:03] Well, they use their smarts to cheat.

[24:05] But yeah, they're still cheating.

[24:06] They're still breaking the rules.

[24:07] That's because the nerds are the bad guys.

[24:08] Smarter, not harder.

Dan McCoy

[24:09] That's because people misunderstood.

[24:11] Wait, what?

[24:11] They're working smarter, not harder.

Elliott Kalan

[24:13] They're shifting the paradigm.

[24:14] Okay.

[24:15] That's because people misunderstand that the nerds are the bad guys in Revenge of the Nerds.

[24:19] Yeah.

[24:20] Who misunderstands that?

[24:21] Everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[24:23] So everyone thinks the nerds are the bad guys.

Elliott Kalan

[24:25] No, no.

[24:25] Everyone thinks the nerds are the good guys when actually they're the bad guys.

Stuart Wellington

[24:28] Well, I mean I'm assuming the jocks don't think they're the good guys.

[24:32] The jocks are –

[24:33] Well, they exist within –

[24:34] They're not real people.

[24:35] They exist within the –

[24:36] In the film.

[24:37] I imagine William Zobka doesn't feel that way.

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] Well, there is –

[24:42] It is hard to make –

[24:43] Like you're never going to see a movie where the snobs beat the slobs,

[24:47] where the slobs are the bad guys.

[24:48] Even though being a snob myself, I find slobs not the heroes a lot of times.

Dan McCoy

[24:53] Yeah, you find them just tasteful.

Elliott Kalan

[24:55] Well, it's a reason I'm not a fan of the Seth Rogen guys hanging out in movies.

Stuart Wellington

[24:59] I also don't understand –

[25:00] I mean –

[25:01] You kick them with your spat as you walk by.

[25:03] I hit them with my cane, yeah.

[25:04] I think that's probably the only time John Goodman's ever gotten to be –

[25:07] one of the snobs is in Revenge of the Nerds.

[25:12] Because he's the evil football coach.

[25:14] Sure.

[25:14] He's probably often typecast as a slob.

[25:16] But he's not the snob.

[25:17] He's the slob.

Dan McCoy

[25:18] He doesn't make him a snob necessarily.

Stuart Wellington

[25:18] The snobs are the nerds.

[25:20] I didn't think they're –

[25:21] But they're –

Dan McCoy

[25:22] But wait.

[25:23] That's kind of a slobs versus slobs comedy the more I think about it.

[25:26] Well, jocks are always slobs.

[25:28] Uh-huh.

[25:29] And there's a bunch of slobby nerds who install cameras in the sorority to –

Elliott Kalan

[25:34] Well, that's the thing is the nerds in that movie are not –

[25:37] They bear no relationship to real nerds as far as I know.

[25:40] Yeah.

[25:41] They should have just called it –

[25:42] I mean they have pocket protectors and glasses and stuff.

[25:44] They should have called it Revenge of the Unattractive Jerks who get a revenge on the slightly more attractive jerks.

Dan McCoy

[25:51] Okay.

[25:52] Or just call it Jerk University.

[25:54] Call it Jerk School.

Elliott Kalan

[25:56] Yeah, Jerk You.

[25:57] And all the students are asking.

[25:58] It's got a delicious pun in it.

Stuart Wellington

[26:00] Jerk You.

[26:01] It sounds like the French renaming of it.

[26:05] Like the French release of Revenge of the –

[26:07] Jerk You.

Dan McCoy

[26:08] Call it Jerk You.

[26:09] They're all jerks.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] Every one of them is a jerk.

[26:13] I like how Teen Wolf was released in other countries as the boy from the future.

[26:17] Back to the future had come out there already.

Dan McCoy

[26:19] Did you see that Matt Carman, our upcoming Flophouse Live co-host, he posted on Facebook there was a French translation of Children of the Corn and the poster just said,

[26:30] Horror Child.

Elliott Kalan

[26:31] That's pretty good though.

[26:33] I mean it's a good summary.

[26:35] Yeah.

[26:36] It's a better name for it than Children of the Corn.

[26:39] Yeah.

[26:39] What's the deal there, Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[26:41] I don't know.

[26:42] I'm looking at you, Dan.

[26:43] I'm looking at you guys.

[26:44] You are our –

[26:45] I mean I thought you were their Stephen King movie expert here.

[26:49] Yeah.

[26:50] Because I haven't been watching him because I thought you knew them all.

[26:53] Maximum Overdrive.

[26:55] Okay.

[26:56] Now you got it.

[26:57] Okay.

[26:57] Now he's starting where –

[26:58] Sleepwalkers.

Elliott Kalan

[27:00] Wait.

[27:00] Are we just having Dan name all the Stephen King movies?

Stuart Wellington

[27:04] The Magnet.

[27:04] I'm not going to hurt his creativity.

[27:07] I'm not going to stifle Dan.

[27:08] This isn't creativity.

[27:09] Silver Bullet.

[27:10] He is a professional television writer.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] Just listing things.

[27:13] Did you just say Silverback?

[27:15] Silver Bullet.

[27:16] Okay.

[27:16] It's Stephen King's Silver Bullet.

[27:17] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[27:18] Yeah, it is.

[27:19] But Tommy Knuckers.

[27:22] Anyway.

[27:22] I think you made that last one up but let's continue.

Elliott Kalan

[27:24] Maybe let's move on back to The Roommate.

[27:29] This is a dull movie and everyone wears hats.

Stuart Wellington

[27:34] It's like the frigging adjustment bureau over here.

Elliott Kalan

[27:37] Everyone's wearing hats nowadays.

[27:39] But yeah, I guess there's not much to say about The Roommate.

[27:41] It's not a very good movie.

[27:42] I was hoping this would be like a sorority row where it turned out to be pretty enjoyable

[27:46] but instead it wasn't.

Dan McCoy

[27:48] It would have to be an R-rated film for it to be a sorority row.

Elliott Kalan

[27:51] Now here's the problem and this is something that has come up in a bunch of things I've read

[27:54] recently.

[27:55] It seems like Hollywood is just not comfortable making R-rated movies anymore which baffles

[28:00] me because I feel like in the 80s and 90s the whole thing was that people wouldn't go

[28:04] see a PG-13 movie or a PG movie.

[28:07] But nowadays it seems like it's the opposite.

Dan McCoy

[28:08] Well, they started – I think part of the problem is they started actually enforcing some

[28:12] of this stuff.

[28:13] People were like, hang on.

[28:16] Kids are getting into these movies and now they're compelled to actually –

[28:19] It's like the only thing that seems to be R-rated now is comedies.

[28:22] And kids see those anyway.

[28:23] They're still R-rated comedies.

[28:25] I don't know why we can't have the old style R-rated horror films.

[28:30] I mean –

[28:30] Like what was the last – I guess the Saw movies are rated R, right?

[28:33] Yeah, but that's – I don't want – I don't want R-rated horror movies that are just unpleasant

[28:38] things happening to like people's bodies.

[28:41] Like I want –

Elliott Kalan

[28:42] You want a story that will help you feel better about being turned on by seeing –

[28:47] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[28:47] I want a little gore but I also want a little sleaze.

[28:51] I'm a simple man, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[28:52] Look, so Hostel is what you want.

Dan McCoy

[28:55] Hostel, that's – of those movies, like that's certainly the best of that sort of wave of films.

Stuart Wellington

[29:01] Yeah.

[29:01] I mean I'll agree with you before Elliot will.

[29:05] Yeah, take that, Elliot.

[29:06] I don't feel like I've seen enough of those movies now.

Dan McCoy

[29:08] All right.

[29:09] Well, thanks for that.

[29:11] Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[29:11] Well, it's the way instantly undercut his use as an agreement on that.

[29:16] Right?

[29:16] Well –

[29:17] See?

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] Look, at least Stuart agrees with me.

[29:19] Brab.

[29:20] Really?

[29:21] That's who you're going to peg your credibility on, Dan?

[29:24] Is Burpee over here?

[29:26] Melcho?

[29:26] The Burpee Seed Pettle?

[29:27] Burpio?

Stuart Wellington

[29:29] Oh, man.

[29:30] Good stuff.

[29:30] We have not been funny tonight.

Dan McCoy

[29:33] It's my fault.

[29:33] Okay.

[29:34] Do we have more to say about this?

[29:36] Because if we don't, I can move on to –

Elliott Kalan

[29:38] It's a fairly – I mean we could go into it in more detail but it's not really worth it.

[29:41] It's a pretty – this is a programmer of a movie.

[29:43] Yeah, it's single white female.

[29:44] It's single white female without – but PG-13 and the kind of picture of college life that's very inaccurate in every detail.

Dan McCoy

[29:53] Less – the acting's –

Elliott Kalan

[29:55] Acting was boring.

[29:57] Less – the script is boring.

Dan McCoy

[29:58] Less weird lesbian subtext.

Elliott Kalan

[30:01] There is a great part where the smart – the evil roommate is taking the good roommate to an art museum and she walks in.

[30:07] She goes, this is the modern section.

[30:10] And it's like –

Dan McCoy

[30:10] It's just like big circles on the wall.

[30:12] It's like, oh, okay.

[30:14] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[30:14] You mean this isn't John Singer Sargent's work?

Dan McCoy

[30:17] Pretty sure.

[30:19] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[30:20] Which of these is the Botticelli mural?

[30:22] Is it this film that's showing in the background?

[30:25] And Cam Gajandit acted mostly with his furrowed brow and his eyebrows.

[30:30] I hated that guy.

Stuart Wellington

[30:31] Yeah, he does like a James Franco impression the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[30:33] Yeah, he's a really bad James Franco.

[30:35] Eyebrows and smug looks.

[30:36] You want to iron his far head out.

[30:39] You want to punch him in the face.

[30:40] Because it's so wrinkly.

[30:40] He's got a punchable face.

[30:41] He does a very punchable face, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:44] All right.

[30:44] So final judgments, I guess.

[30:46] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked in some way?

[30:49] Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[30:49] I would say this is a bad bad movie.

[30:51] As I said while we were watching the film, it is the type of movie that makes Swim Fan look like Psycho.

[30:57] Put that on a poster.

Stuart Wellington

[30:59] No, the poster is the thing I like most about it because it said something like, every year a bunch of students get roommates.

[31:07] Yours could be crazy.

[31:08] So it's like, don't go to college, kids.

Dan McCoy

[31:13] It was a community college advertisement.

Stuart Wellington

[31:16] Every year a bunch of kids.

[31:18] Well, I paraphrase that.

[31:20] Sue me, you know.

[31:21] Sue me.

[31:21] Take me to kids court.

[31:24] Why would you go to kids court?

[31:26] We're both adults.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] Well, I mean, you're short.

[31:29] Take me to kids court.

[31:29] The judge will say, this is outside of my jurisdiction.

[31:32] You need to go to adult court.

Dan McCoy

[31:34] Stuart's tired of all these activist judges.

[31:36] He believes that the only true justice comes to kids court.

[31:40] Obviously the child.

[31:40] Yeah.

[31:42] Yeah, no, I would, like, you know, this is a bad, bad movie.

[31:46] Honestly, like, watching it with you guys, I don't know whether we haven't been together for a while.

[31:51] I had a really good time watching it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] I had fun watching it with you guys.

[31:54] I wouldn't enjoy watching it by myself.

Dan McCoy

[31:56] Yeah, it's sped by, like, compared to a lot of movies.

[31:59] It is only 90 minutes long.

[32:01] It's a bad, bad movie, but as those movies go, it was much more painless than most of them.

[32:05] Okay, I'll give you that.

Stuart Wellington

[32:08] Yeah, this is kind of a turd.

[32:10] There was a scene where a cat gets put in a dryer that was distressing, and there was a fight scene in a shower, which was not exciting at all.

Dan McCoy

[32:21] Yeah, there was a shower scene with no nudity, so that really distressed Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] It does its best to pan as close as it can get to a nude body part and then back up again.

Dan McCoy

[32:30] As legally close to a butt crack as one can get, and then it just freezes.

[32:36] Without the cops saying, hey, get away from her.

Stuart Wellington

[32:40] Get away from that butt crack.

[32:42] You've reached the terminus est or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[32:46] The fight at the end was okay.

[32:49] Not great.

[32:49] Not enough to save the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[32:50] It was uncomfortable, which was nice, and girls had blood all over their faces.

Dan McCoy

[32:54] I mean, I was glad that Wrinkly Face got hit by a candlestick.

[32:59] Yeah, no.

[33:00] Yeah.

[33:00] I like that part.

[33:01] That was sort of satisfying.

[33:02] Wrinkly Face.

[33:02] He didn't die.

[33:03] Like, that would have been better.

Elliott Kalan

[33:04] But it was a movie where I was more intrigued by the main character's co-worker at the coffeehouse she works at, who looked kind of like one of the cavemen from the Geico ads.

Dan McCoy

[33:13] Oh, speaking of this movie, by the way, like, for not...

[33:16] Key Rock.

Stuart Wellington

[33:17] That was his name.

[33:19] Unprozen caveman lawyer.

[33:21] Jesus Christ.

Dan McCoy

[33:21] For 99.9% of this movie, it was a ripoff of Single White Female.

[33:27] And then at the very end, it turned into a ripoff of the end of Poltergeist.

[33:32] Because, you know, Poltergeist ends with them wheeling the television out of the hotel room.

[33:36] Like, not again.

[33:38] And in this movie, they wheel the other bed out of the room.

[33:41] It's like, no more roommates for me.

[33:43] Kind of like, fuck you, movie.

[33:44] Which is really not her decision to make.

[33:45] That's how it works in California.

[33:47] Yeah.

[33:47] Yeah, the housing office is going to have some more...

[33:49] So now you get a single.

[33:51] Sure.

[33:53] White Female.

Stuart Wellington

[33:54] Single White Female movie, yeah.

[33:56] So...

[33:57] Well, Single White Female was an amazing financial success in its day, yeah?

[34:00] Is that why?

[34:01] It did well.

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] I mean, it was more...

[34:02] I feel like Single White Female, it was part of this run of movies in the 90s that were somehow controversial because they involved, like, murder and sex.

[34:11] Like, basic instinct.

[34:13] Like, I'm not sure why that movie was controversial, really.

[34:16] Except, I mean, I guess there's an implication that lesbians are violent.

[34:19] Mm-hmm.

[34:19] But, like, Single White Female, maybe there was something.

[34:22] But, like, I remember Single White...

Dan McCoy

[34:22] They killed America's sweetheart Stephen Webber in it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:25] That might have been it.

[34:26] But I remember when Single White Female coming out, just, like, this discomfort it caused in people.

[34:31] And I don't know quite why.

Stuart Wellington

[34:32] And it added something to the national discourse.

[34:35] Sure.

[34:36] Yes.

[34:36] You shouldn't trust Single White Females.

Dan McCoy

[34:38] Similar to Indecent Proposal, it added Single White Female as a reference point for movies like this.

[34:44] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] Yeah, but, like, Indecent Proposal was, like, this big conversation point when it came out.

[34:50] And, like, I don't understand why.

Stuart Wellington

[34:51] Like, I'd totally have sex with Robert Redford for, like, $100.

[34:55] Mm-hmm.

[34:56] I don't remember the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:57] And you had a problem with Cam Gajandit's wrinkly face?

[35:00] Yeah.

[35:00] You'd have sex with Leatherface, Robert Redford?

Stuart Wellington

[35:03] Yeah, but his is from being really tan, not trying to look cute.

[35:06] That's true, yeah.

[35:07] Unless I'm totally underestimating Robert Redford's trying to look cute and he's actually successful.

[35:13] He's through the rabbit hole.

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] Apparently, to be really cute, you have to wrinkle your face up as much as possible.

[35:18] Yeah.

[35:18] That's why the old man in Up was such a sex symbol.

Dan McCoy

[35:21] Yep.

[35:22] So I do have some letters here in my hand.

[35:25] From prison inmates?

Stuart Wellington

[35:26] Yes.

[35:27] One can only assume.

[35:29] Dear Flophouse, seize and desist from the Flopcast house.

Dan McCoy

[35:34] The first one is from Kelly, last name withheld, and it's simply titled, Thank You.

Elliott Kalan

[35:39] I assume the last name is Kapowski.

Dan McCoy

[35:41] It says,

[35:42] I'll assume that.

[35:43] In the past two weeks, I've made my way through the entire backlog of your fine program.

[35:47] As a graduate student, I spent a lot of time in the lab and having an iPod...

[35:51] An iPod.

[35:54] An iPod full of Flopcast.

[35:55] I've done enough work in iPod, so a guy named Paul just whispers in my ear.

Elliott Kalan

[36:00] Snatches of songs, maybe stories he knows, jokes he's heard.

Dan McCoy

[36:04] This guy named Paul gets transcripts of the Flophouse and he reads them to me.

[36:07] An iPod full of Flophouse makes staying alone until well into the night much easier to bear.

[36:12] Kelly asked us, guys...

[36:14] Uh-oh.

[36:15] Time for us to do some work.

[36:16] Are you ever going to run more vaguely defined contests designed to let you watch older movies as a, quote, prize?

Elliott Kalan

[36:25] Sure, why not?

Stuart Wellington

[36:27] Maybe.

[36:27] We throw out contests every week.

[36:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:30] And forget about 37 to 98 percent.

Dan McCoy

[36:33] Ellie, you wanted to run a contest to encourage Roger Ebert to put us on his television program.

Elliott Kalan

[36:39] Yeah, well, actually, I would...

[36:41] If we could get the listeners of the Flophouse to write the...

[36:45] What's it called now?

[36:45] Roger Ebert Presents at the Movies or something like that?

[36:48] I think that's it.

[36:48] If they could write to them and suggest that...

[36:50] In droves and suggest we be on that show instead of the people who are currently on it who are not very good.

Stuart Wellington

[36:55] Because all of us work at a TV show now.

Elliott Kalan

[36:57] Yeah.

[36:58] I'm a writer.

[36:59] Dan's a writer.

[36:59] You're an animal wrangler.

[37:00] Yeah.

[37:00] We get television.

[37:01] So that would be a big contest, though, to get us on Roger Ebert's show contest.

[37:07] And as a prize, you can pick an old movie for us to watch.

Dan McCoy

[37:11] If you can prove that you've done something to further the same, then we will put you in the Flophouse randomizer.

Elliott Kalan

[37:20] Well, you could tweet about it.

[37:21] Write to Roger Ebert's Twitter feed.

[37:23] That's how he communicates with human beings about it.

[37:25] You know, post it on your blog page.

[37:28] Any of those things.

[37:29] Maybe.

[37:29] Send us some proof.

[37:30] Maybe purchase the television rights to Roger Ebert's show and hire us.

Stuart Wellington

[37:34] If you're an eccentric millionaire.

[37:34] Yeah.

[37:35] We don't give enough eccentric...

[37:36] Or a sensible millionaire.

[37:38] Well, yeah, that's fair.

[37:39] But we don't...

[37:40] I'd like an eccentric one.

Dan McCoy

[37:42] Then we've got to spend a night in the haunted house and we can get scared by a ghost.

[37:46] But he'd probably have a Zeppelin, which I would like.

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] That'd be pretty great.

[37:49] And I'd probably be the first one killed by the ghost.

[37:52] So at least I get to see a ghost before I die.

[37:53] No way.

Dan McCoy

[37:54] Of course Dan would be the first one killed.

[37:56] What?

[37:56] I'm...

[37:56] Yeah, you've got to keep me around for a while.

[37:57] I am the, quote, final girl of this.

[38:00] No, no.

[38:00] You're not the final girl.

Elliott Kalan

[38:02] What?

[38:02] Wait.

[38:03] Who's the final girl?

Dan McCoy

[38:03] You're the girl who thinks she's the final girl.

Elliott Kalan

[38:05] Yeah.

[38:05] So you die.

[38:07] You are...

[38:07] You're the guy who tries to ruin everybody else's fun, so you get killed.

[38:12] No, no, no.

[38:12] No, no.

[38:13] Then I'm the nerd who has to learn his courage and unfortunately has to sacrifice his life

[38:16] to find that.

[38:17] And Stuart, I guess, is the horndog who gets killed while masturbating, while watching other

[38:22] people having sex.

Dan McCoy

[38:23] Yeah.

[38:24] No, no, no.

[38:24] Wait.

[38:24] That's 100% correct.

[38:25] No, I think I'm the...

[38:26] You know what?

[38:27] I would be the boring boyfriend of the final girl who gets killed early on.

[38:31] Okay.

[38:31] I'll give you that.

[38:32] Sure.

[38:33] But, uh...

[38:33] Or for some reason, everybody believes...

[38:35] Then the final girl...

[38:37] Is Penny and she fights a dinosaur.

[38:38] And it turns out it was a dinosaur again.

Elliott Kalan

[38:39] Wait.

[38:39] It's a ghost dinosaur?

[38:41] Yeah.

[38:41] Because think about how many fucking ghost dinosaurs were just wandering the earth.

[38:44] There's probably a shitload, right?

[38:45] And I apologize for my language.

[38:46] Yes.

[38:47] Oh, you...

[38:47] There were millions of dinosaurs.

[38:49] They're all dead.

[38:50] What are their ghosts doing?

[38:52] Just walking around.

[38:53] Wait.

Stuart Wellington

[38:53] Would it be like the dinosaurs that got killed in the movie Jurassic Park or like older

[38:56] than that?

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] Old...

[38:57] Real dinosaurs.

[38:58] Not fake dinosaurs?

[39:00] Probably not the ghosts of animatronic dinosaurs.

[39:02] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[39:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:03] So, Kelly, I hope that answers your question.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] So, that's the contest.

Dan McCoy

[39:07] Make a ghost dinosaur.

[39:09] No, no.

Stuart Wellington

[39:10] Send it to us.

[39:10] Mink a ghost dinosaur?

Elliott Kalan

[39:12] Okay.

[39:12] Here's...

[39:12] There's...

[39:13] Mink a ghost dinosaur.

[39:14] Star of Roommate.

[39:16] Here's...

[39:16] There are two...

[39:17] So, there's two contests.

[39:18] How about this?

[39:18] There's two contests.

[39:20] There's the ongoing Publicize the Flophouse.

[39:23] Yeah.

[39:23] Spread the word and help us get more listeners.

[39:25] Sure.

[39:25] And the other one is the Get Us on Roger Ebert Show contest.

Dan McCoy

[39:28] Both of them require you to send us some sort of proof and then we'll put you in the

[39:32] animatronic.

[39:33] And I don't know.

[39:34] When can we do a drawing?

[39:36] Maybe in...

[39:37] Like two months?

[39:39] Yeah.

[39:39] A couple months.

[39:39] Let's give people the summer.

[39:41] Yeah.

[39:42] Okay.

[39:42] So, two months.

Elliott Kalan

[39:44] So, someone's going to have to...

[39:45] Someone write in and remind us of this.

Stuart Wellington

[39:46] I think they're like four episodes or something like.

[39:49] Sure.

[39:50] That's more defined.

Elliott Kalan

[39:52] You're right.

[39:52] A set amount of time is way less defined than our random schedule of when we can get together

[39:57] and do this thing.

[39:58] Yeah.

[39:59] Okay.

[40:00] Or we can do four episodes.

[40:00] Don't think about it.

[40:01] No, it's fine.

[40:02] Be a dick.

[40:02] It's cool.

Dan McCoy

[40:03] So, the next one here.

[40:06] The title of this email is Near Death Experiment.

[40:09] Excrement?

[40:10] Like near death excrement.

Elliott Kalan

[40:12] I can't talk.

Dan McCoy

[40:13] So, like flatliners?

[40:14] Near Death Experience.

[40:16] And it's from Craig, last name withheld.

[40:19] And he says...

Elliott Kalan

[40:20] I'm going to guess his last name is Daniel.

[40:22] Like Daniel Craig.

[40:23] But Craig Daniel.

Dan McCoy

[40:24] Backwards, yeah.

[40:25] I have been listening to the podcast for some time at work now.

[40:28] And I've become pretty good at covering my laughter by going into a fake coughing fit.

[40:32] I don't know why I need to cover it up, but sure.

Elliott Kalan

[40:34] Well, no one's supposed to laugh at Sadcore, where he works.

[40:37] However...

[40:37] Where laughing can get you fired.

Stuart Wellington

[40:41] Today, of course, is like a variant of Mumblecore, right?

[40:44] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[40:45] Yes.

[40:46] They're low-budget movies where you can't really hear it.

[40:49] And that's why it's sad.

Dan McCoy

[40:50] It's all about children dying.

[40:53] Way to bring it down.

[40:54] Sadcore!

[40:55] I brought it down?

[40:57] Yes.

[40:57] Sadcore brought it down.

[40:58] Yeah, not cool, dude.

[40:59] Anyway, he says...

[41:00] That's why you're getting killed pretty early on.

[41:02] However, today did not go smoothly.

[41:05] Flashback nine months.

[41:07] After listening to the original Bratz podcast...

[41:09] This better involve a baby.

[41:10] Well, after original release, I went out and purchased the Bratz DVD,

[41:13] previously viewed from Blockbuster, for $2.99.

[41:16] Uh-oh.

[41:17] I got a pretty strange look from the clerk,

[41:19] being a male shopping alone in my late 20s

[41:21] that was clearly excited about finding the film in the bargain bin.

[41:24] That night, I convinced a few friends to come over to watch the movie,

[41:27] and we were enjoying ourselves immensely.

[41:28] Then disaster struck.

[41:30] The DVD had been occasionally skipping for a few minutes,

[41:32] but it got to a point where it would play no more.

[41:35] We wasted no time,

[41:36] and soon there were three slightly drunk people in their late 20s

[41:39] negotiating a replacement for our scratched disc.

[41:42] We were told that they should have one copy left,

[41:45] but we would have to find it in one of the many bins.

[41:48] We dispersed and began rummaging through massive piles of DVDs

[41:51] until my friend let out a loud cheer,

[41:53] holding the Bratz DVD high above his head in triumph.

[41:56] The most excited anyone's ever been to find the movie Bratz.

[41:59] The three of us have since watched this movie multiple times,

[42:01] and I have insisted that co-workers and superiors borrow the movie

[42:04] and give it a watch.

[42:06] Flash forward to a few hours ago.

[42:08] There I sat listening and staring blankly at a spreadsheet

[42:10] while eating lunch.

[42:12] It was all going well

[42:13] until Stuart mentioned the idea of a spell-casting brat.

[42:17] My body attempted to laugh uproariously

[42:19] while also swallowing a large bite,

[42:22] and the immediate effect was I began choking.

[42:25] Swallowing a large what?

[42:26] A large bite, sorry.

[42:27] A bite.

Elliott Kalan

[42:27] A brat?

[42:28] He was eating a brat.

[42:29] He was eating a brat.

[42:30] Eating a Bratz doll.

[42:31] Everything is Bratz with him now.

[42:32] Listening to Bratz.

Dan McCoy

[42:34] The secondary effect was that

[42:35] the food that was not blocking my windpipe

[42:37] fell out of my mouth,

[42:38] across my desk and keyboard.

[42:40] The sounds of my struggle resulted in a small crowd

[42:42] forming outside my office

[42:44] that seemed quite concerned for my safety.

[42:46] It lasted close to 20 seconds

[42:47] before my wheezing and coughing

[42:49] dislodged the contents of my windpipe.

[42:51] Present day,

[42:52] thank you for making my day.

[42:54] So that was a story of a near-death experience.

[42:56] I'm glad he survived.

[42:57] Yeah.

[42:58] I would hate to...

[43:00] I would hate to know that we killed

[43:01] one of our listeners over the movie Bratz.

Stuart Wellington

[43:03] Craig Bratz guy Daniel.

Elliott Kalan

[43:07] I love that it was the idea

[43:08] of a spell-casting brat.

Stuart Wellington

[43:11] Well, there's nothing funny about that.

[43:13] I'm deadly serious about my spell-casting brat.

Elliott Kalan

[43:15] It's such a Stuart idea to come up with.

[43:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:18] Either that and it probably has...

[43:19] Using some kind of illusionary magics.

Elliott Kalan

[43:21] It does...

[43:22] Does it have some kind of soul-eating Ebon sword?

[43:25] And like Dream Blade?

[43:27] Maybe.

[43:27] Or like Raven's Blood?

Stuart Wellington

[43:29] It involves a lot of

[43:30] Bratitude levels.

[43:33] You know.

[43:33] Okay, now you get a roll

[43:34] to figure out your Bratitude level.

Elliott Kalan

[43:36] Mm-hmm.

[43:36] Terminal.

Stuart Wellington

[43:39] Terminal Bratitude levels, huh, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[43:43] We've never seen them this high before.

[43:44] They're off the Brat charts.

[43:46] Or Brarts.

Dan McCoy

[43:48] So this is from...

[43:49] Like Pro-Bralt.

[43:50] Mar-Bralt.

[43:51] So that's two letters down.

[43:52] Yeah.

[43:52] Mal-Bralt.

[43:53] Mal-

[43:53] Mal-Bralt.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] Mal-Bralt.

[43:57] This is from Lucas,

[43:59] last name withheld.

[43:59] Mal-Bralt.

[44:01] Paul-Bralt's Mal-Bralt's.

[44:03] Paul-Bralt's Mal-Bralt.

[44:06] Words that sound like

[44:07] otherwords.com.

[44:08] A.K.A. The Flop House.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] This is from Lucas,

[44:13] It says,

[44:13] I have a question for all of the floppers.

[44:15] Elliot has mentioned

[44:16] the crew has seen a lot of softcore movies.

[44:19] And being a young man...

[44:20] I don't remember ever mentioning that.

[44:22] Being a young man growing up

[44:24] with a Mr. Movies down the street

[44:25] and USA Network's up all night every weekend,

[44:28] I too have seen a shitload of softcore.

[44:31] My question for you all...

Elliott Kalan

[44:32] I think you mean mumblecore.

[44:34] Or sadcore.

[44:35] Sadcore.

Dan McCoy

[44:36] What is your favorite softcore movie?

[44:37] I'm looking more from rewatchability

[44:39] and enjoyment levels

[44:40] rather than which turned you on the most

[44:41] because I don't know

[44:42] if I want to hear Stuart

[44:43] talk about how much

[44:45] Nicky Fritz's fake tits

[44:46] got him hard

[44:47] during Fast Lane to Malibu.

[44:49] My pick is Buford's...

[44:50] She's only in like two scenes in that.

[44:53] My pick is Buford's Beach Bunnies

[44:54] starring Tom Hanks'

[44:55] little-known brother Jim Hanks

[44:57] in the epic role of Jeter,

[44:58] the loser son of Buford

[44:59] who freaks out

[45:00] every time he tries to have sex.

[45:02] And he includes a YouTube link here.

[45:04] I am insulted that you think

[45:05] I do not know

[45:06] what Buford's Beach Bunnies is.

[45:07] Come on.

[45:08] I have a VHS copy

[45:09] of Buford's Beach Bunnies

[45:10] that was given to me by a friend.

[45:11] Too much information.

[45:12] By Buford himself.

Elliott Kalan

[45:15] And it's inscribed,

[45:16] thanks for the help

[45:17] with the Beach Bunnies.

[45:18] Thanks for the mammaries,

[45:19] Buford.

[45:20] Keep on a-wanking,

[45:21] Buford.

[45:22] I think that there's a...

Dan McCoy

[45:24] Are we answering this question?

[45:26] Well, there's a distinction here

[45:27] that has to be made,

[45:27] first of all.

Stuart Wellington

[45:28] Wait, are we talking about

[45:29] getting turned on again?

Dan McCoy

[45:30] No, we're not talking about that.

[45:32] They're specifically

[45:32] requested not to talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[45:34] I mean, it's cool.

[45:34] I'm pretty comfortable

[45:35] with myself, right?

[45:36] We're not.

Dan McCoy

[45:37] So, I think there's a distinction

[45:39] that needs to be made

[45:40] between actual softcore films

[45:42] and TNA comedies,

[45:43] which I think is what

[45:44] he's talking about here.

[45:45] All right, professor.

[45:46] I don't think...

Stuart Wellington

[45:47] Yeah, because...

[45:48] I mean, that's trying

[45:49] to differentiate, like,

[45:51] my favorite,

[45:52] The Great Bikini

[45:53] Off-Road Adventure...

[45:54] I thought you were

[45:54] going to say that.

[45:54] ...with, say,

[45:55] Zolman King's

[45:56] Late Consequence,

[45:57] starring Billy Zane.

Dan McCoy

[45:58] Really?

[46:00] Or anything even

[46:02] a little more explicit

[46:03] that you might find

[46:03] on your Cinemaxes

[46:06] or your Showtimes.

Elliott Kalan

[46:07] The things...

[46:07] You mean the movies

[46:07] with names that are,

[46:09] like, sinful intrigue,

[46:10] and it's, like,

[46:11] scenes from other movies?

[46:12] Like, it'll be a...

[46:13] Or Breasty Breasterson.

[46:14] Breast Cop.

[46:15] Or any of the ones

[46:16] where it's just a...

[46:17] a famous movie

[46:18] with the word

[46:18] Breast Foot in the title.

[46:19] Yes.

[46:20] But they have those movies

[46:21] that are compilation films

[46:22] where it's...

[46:23] It'll be, like,

[46:24] a bunch of people

[46:24] sitting around

[46:25] and they'll be like,

[46:26] here's a sexy story

[46:27] I heard.

[46:28] And then it'll just

[46:28] cut to a scene

[46:29] from an old Cinemax show.

[46:31] And then they'll come back

[46:31] and be like,

[46:32] wow, that was a hot story.

[46:33] It's like,

[46:34] this was just a scene

[46:34] of people having sex.

[46:35] How did they tell that story?

[46:37] Yeah.

[46:37] There's no context.

Dan McCoy

[46:39] Yeah, I never...

[46:39] I never know how to take that

[46:40] because, like,

[46:41] I actually really started

[46:42] thinking about

[46:42] the framing device there.

[46:43] I'm like,

[46:44] so, were they there

[46:46] watching this happen?

Elliott Kalan

[46:47] No, they just heard about it.

[46:49] What's interesting about it

[46:50] is they are...

Stuart Wellington

[46:50] It's an oral history, Dan.

[46:52] Okay.

[46:52] And vaginal.

[46:53] Well, you know...

[46:54] It was the...

[46:56] You couldn't see that, listeners,

[46:58] but Stuart winked at me

[46:59] after he said that.

Elliott Kalan

[47:01] That's what did it.

[47:03] But here's the thing

[47:03] about those...

[47:04] There's something fascinating

[47:05] about those movies

[47:06] because they're literally

[47:07] stealing scenes

[47:09] from past movies

[47:10] and then giving them

[47:11] a new fake context.

[47:12] And, like,

[47:13] it'll be like,

[47:14] my brother told me

[47:15] about this thing

[47:16] that happened

[47:16] with a girl he worked with.

[47:17] And then they'll show

[47:18] a scene from, like,

[47:19] you know,

[47:20] Nightcap

[47:20] about sexy women

[47:21] who own a bar.

[47:22] And it's like,

[47:23] this isn't...

[47:24] That's not what happens there.

[47:25] And it's...

[47:26] Ellie's too familiar

Dan McCoy

[47:27] with the original context.

Elliott Kalan

[47:28] That's the problem.

[47:29] The repurposing

[47:29] does nothing for her.

[47:30] But it's almost like

[47:31] the...

[47:32] When you see, like,

[47:33] movie mash-em-ups

[47:33] online where they take

[47:35] scenes from one movie

[47:36] and make it look like

[47:37] something else is going on,

[47:38] like,

[47:38] they can only hope

[47:39] to achieve

[47:40] the complete

[47:41] recontextualization

[47:42] that these

[47:43] softcore compilations have.

[47:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:46] But as, you know,

[47:46] like, all right,

[47:47] but for, like,

[47:48] just, like,

[47:49] goofy T&A comedies,

[47:50] you're saying

[47:50] you like the

[47:51] Great Bikini

[47:51] Off-Broad Adventure.

[47:52] Yeah, with

[47:52] Willie Tullsalt.

[47:54] Is that the

[47:55] Native American shaman

[47:56] who always finds

[47:58] that one girl's top?

[47:59] Yeah.

[47:59] I've got a certain

[48:00] fondness for HOTS

[48:01] or H-O-T-S.

[48:02] Sure, yeah.

[48:03] I would probably say,

[48:05] uh,

[48:07] what, like, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[48:08] HOTS is like,

[48:08] like a, like a...

[48:10] If Revenge of the Nerds

[48:12] was just hot chicks,

[48:13] right?

[48:13] Yeah.

[48:14] Basically.

Elliott Kalan

[48:14] I'd say, uh,

[48:15] probably the Bikini

[48:16] Car Wash Company.

[48:17] Sure, that's a good one.

[48:17] More because of its legacy,

[48:19] which is that

[48:19] other bikini movies

[48:20] have car wash scenes in them.

[48:21] Yep.

[48:22] There's also,

[48:23] there's a movie

[48:23] that used to show

[48:24] on USA Up All Night

[48:25] All Time

[48:25] called Knockouts

[48:26] about a bunch

[48:28] of sorority sisters

[48:29] who, of course,

[48:30] all are way older

[48:31] than college students.

[48:32] Okay.

[48:32] And somehow

[48:33] money gets stolen,

[48:34] I don't remember,

[48:35] but they have to get

[48:35] their money back,

[48:36] so they decide

[48:37] they're gonna make

[48:38] a calendar of them

[48:39] in bikinis,

[48:40] and then they don't

[48:42] have the money to pay

[48:43] to print up the calendar,

[48:44] so they enter

[48:45] a wrestling match,

[48:46] that's lady wrestlers,

[48:47] and they win

[48:48] the wrestling match,

[48:49] and I always wondered

[48:50] when it was over,

[48:50] like, because I've seen it,

[48:51] I used to see it

[48:52] a couple times ago,

[48:52] like, so are they gonna

[48:53] spend the money

[48:54] on the calendars,

[48:54] or are they just gonna

[48:55] put it right back

[48:56] into their tuition?

[48:57] Like, I don't know

[48:58] if they have to skip,

[48:59] can they skip

[49:00] the calendar step now?

[49:01] Because that seems

[49:01] unnecessary.

[49:02] How much money

[49:03] did they get?

[49:04] I don't remember, so.

[49:05] It's rich with incident,

[49:06] though.

[49:06] It is rich.

[49:07] Oh, yeah,

[49:07] it's like an old

[49:08] silent comedy

[49:09] where it's like,

[49:10] I thought this was

[49:11] about guys

[49:11] who were at a party,

[49:13] like, why are they

[49:14] at the top of the

[49:14] Empire State Building

[49:15] now trying to fly

[49:16] a glider plane?

Dan McCoy

[49:20] So, oh, wait,

[49:20] I've got one last letter

[49:22] before we...

Elliott Kalan

[49:24] Also, I will also say

[49:25] that the thing

[49:27] about the Bikini Car Wash

[49:28] Company is that

[49:29] at the end,

[49:30] they completely

[49:30] remove all subtext.

[49:33] And the characters,

[49:34] you just hear a voice

[49:35] off screen go,

[49:36] hey, let's take

[49:36] some pictures!

[49:37] And it's just them

[49:38] posing in bikinis

[49:39] for like 100 minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[49:41] Oh, I thought you were

[49:41] talking about like

[49:42] at the end of Screwballs

[49:43] when you finally get

[49:43] to see that chick's boobs,

[49:44] right?

[49:45] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[49:46] I don't remember

[49:47] Screwballs that well.

Stuart Wellington

[49:48] That's what you meant

[49:49] by removing subtext,

Elliott Kalan

[49:50] right?

[49:50] Yeah, that's...

[49:51] I mean,

[49:51] they just show

[49:53] people's tops,

[49:54] yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:55] So, this last email

[49:57] is from Tom,

[50:00] And it says,

[50:00] you guys have been

[50:01] doing the podcast

[50:02] for several years now,

[50:03] especially with the

[50:04] added notoriety

[50:05] of your last mystery guest,

[50:06] Wyatt Cenac.

[50:07] I think someone

[50:08] gets a Zagnut bar.

[50:10] It's time for you

[50:11] to expand your operation.

[50:12] That was...

[50:13] A Zagnut?

[50:14] That was what

[50:14] he was supposed to get.

Elliott Kalan

[50:15] A Zagnut bar.

[50:16] Like Zagcar.

[50:17] That was the award

[50:17] for identifying

[50:19] the mystery guest.

[50:20] Oh, I forgot that part.

[50:21] The mystery guest

[50:22] that we identified

[50:23] on the website.

Dan McCoy

[50:24] And immediately

[50:25] within the podcast.

[50:27] But Tom says,

[50:29] I recommend enlisting

[50:29] a Flophouse intern

[50:30] to help out with

[50:32] some of the backstage duties.

[50:34] As a fairly recent

[50:35] college graduate,

[50:35] I know how hard it is

[50:37] to find work

[50:37] in this job market.

[50:38] I'm sure there are

[50:39] many others like me

[50:40] who are more than

[50:40] willing to work

[50:41] for little to no money

[50:42] to get the experience.

[50:43] Living on the West Coast

[50:44] inhibits me

[50:45] from volunteering

[50:47] to be your podcast lackey,

[50:48] but I'm positive

[50:49] you could find

[50:49] someone in the Brooklyn area

[50:50] willing to invest

[50:52] their time and effort.

[50:53] Flophouse internship

[50:54] responsibilities include

[50:55] feed the Flophouse house cat,

[50:58] pick up fried chicken

[50:59] at Popeye's for Elliot.

[51:00] That would be very convenient.

[51:01] Make beer runs for Stuart.

[51:03] Provide moral support

[51:04] for Dan

[51:05] when Stuart and Elliot

[51:06] turn against him.

[51:06] Impossible.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] Turn against him?

[51:08] What are you talking about?

[51:10] Dan, what are you doing?

[51:11] You wrote this fucking letter,

[51:13] didn't you?

[51:14] You added that.

[51:15] He added that.

[51:15] I see it written in pencil on there.

[51:16] No one likes Dan enough

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] to want him to have moral support.

[51:19] Keep track of all the

[51:20] vague Flophouse contests.

Dan McCoy

[51:22] That's a callback.

[51:23] That would be very helpful.

[51:24] Be the scapegoat

[51:25] for any technical problem.

[51:25] It's a callback

Elliott Kalan

[51:26] to the thing we fuck up

[51:27] all the time.

[51:29] So with that said,

[51:30] I hope you consider

[51:30] letting me...

[51:31] I dropped a lot of F-bombs.

Dan McCoy

[51:31] I apologize.

[51:32] It's okay.

[51:33] You're apologizing for

[51:34] swearing as much

[51:35] as we normally apologize.

[51:37] Yeah.

[51:38] Wait, as much

[51:38] as we normally swear?

[51:40] We need an intern

[51:41] so Dan can understand

[51:42] what he's saying

[51:42] at any given moment.

[51:43] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[51:44] Yeah, Flophouse intern.

[51:46] What do you think?

[51:47] Guys?

[51:47] I mean, we can...

[51:48] It's...

[51:50] I don't know

[51:50] what the Flophouse intern

[51:51] would do.

[51:51] You're the only person

[51:52] who puts any work into this.

Dan McCoy

[51:53] They could sit to the side

[51:55] and laugh.

[51:56] I mean, that would be helpful.

Elliott Kalan

[51:58] Rawr!

[52:01] Is that pro or con?

[52:03] Housecat, I don't understand.

[52:04] Yeah, I know.

[52:04] He already laughed.

[52:06] He just stopped in.

Stuart Wellington

[52:07] He's summoned like Candyman.

[52:09] The intern could...

[52:09] Candyman.

Dan McCoy

[52:11] Like Saul Candyman.

[52:13] You're saying the intern

[52:14] could cue the housecat

[52:15] whenever the housecat was needed?

Stuart Wellington

[52:17] Remind me that

[52:17] the Flophouse housecat exists.

Dan McCoy

[52:20] Your most popular characters, too.

Stuart Wellington

[52:22] I don't remember much

[52:24] of what I'm supposed to do here.

Elliott Kalan

[52:27] I think this is...

Stuart Wellington

[52:27] We do need an intern, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[52:29] No.

[52:29] But where...

[52:29] Would they just, like,

[52:30] live in your apartment?

[52:32] That's a good question.

[52:33] I mean...

[52:33] Like a butler?

Stuart Wellington

[52:35] Would he be, like, a toy?

[52:36] And Richard Pryor's the toy?

[52:38] Those are two different things.

[52:39] He wasn't a butler?

Elliott Kalan

[52:40] He was not a butler.

[52:41] He was a toy.

[52:42] Hence the title of the film.

[52:43] He wasn't a toy butler?

Stuart Wellington

[52:44] No, no.

[52:44] He was a toy person.

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] He was a slave.

[52:46] It was like Toy Story.

[52:47] The subject of that film was.

[52:48] It was like Toy Story.

Dan McCoy

[52:51] Wait, what?

[52:52] Toy Story.

[52:53] Wait, what?

[52:54] Toy Story.

[52:55] Oh, okay.

[52:56] Toy Story.

[52:58] I mean, until I got this new job,

[53:00] I worked in a closet.

[53:02] In my current position,

[53:04] so this intern could live in my coat closet.

[53:07] That could be...

[53:08] I mean, that seems like,

Elliott Kalan

[53:09] if anything,

[53:09] you should have learned a lesson

[53:10] about how much people don't like

[53:11] being in closets.

[53:13] I've only had the desire

[53:15] to pass the misery along to others.

[53:16] You're warped to evil now.

Stuart Wellington

[53:18] More machine than man.

[53:18] Now that Dan is out of the closet.

[53:21] Okay.

[53:21] Uh-oh.

[53:22] So to speak.

[53:23] Sure.

[53:24] Good.

Elliott Kalan

[53:26] So do we...

[53:27] So, Dan,

[53:27] you would be the one

[53:28] dealing with this person.

[53:29] So do you want an intern?

[53:30] No.

[53:31] So...

[53:31] Right.

[53:32] No.

[53:32] Yeah.

[53:34] The end.

[53:35] Okay.

[53:36] Well, but we appreciate the idea.

[53:38] Yep.

[53:38] We would pay a stipend of nothing.

[53:41] Sure.

[53:42] So send your resumes to

[53:43] DanMcCoy

[53:44] at DanMcCoy.com.

[53:47] Um...

[53:47] One, two, three,

[53:48] DanMcCoy Street.

[53:49] Care of the Flophouse,

[53:51] Flophouse Lane,

[53:52] Flophouse New Jersey,

[53:54] 0704 Flophouse.

[53:56] All right.

[53:56] So, uh...

[53:58] Be sure to mark your envelopes.

[53:59] Attention internship coordinator.

[54:00] What's the last bit?

Dan McCoy

[54:00] We have another, uh...

[54:02] We have another letter.

[54:03] Well, you know,

[54:03] we should quickly...

[54:04] We gotta recommend things.

[54:04] We should quickly recommend

[54:05] a movie that we actually liked

[54:07] as opposed to The Roommate,

[54:09] which we did not care for.

[54:11] Okay.

[54:11] Uh, Stuart...

[54:12] I didn't like it.

[54:13] Do you have a recommendation

[54:14] you would like to...

[54:15] No?

[54:15] Okay.

[54:16] Elliot, I know you have one

[54:17] queued up.

Elliott Kalan

[54:18] I do.

[54:18] I would like to recommend

[54:19] the film I Love You, Philip Morris,

[54:21] which I just saw a couple days ago

[54:22] after hearing a lot of good things

[54:23] about it from a lot of people.

[54:25] And you may have heard of it.

[54:27] You probably haven't seen it.

[54:28] It got a very small American release

[54:30] after being delayed

[54:31] for a long time.

[54:33] It was actually the rare American movie

[54:34] that's released overseas

[54:35] before it was released in America,

[54:37] which is too bad.

[54:38] It's a kind of comedy drama

[54:39] about...

[54:40] Based on a true story

[54:41] about a con man

[54:42] slash serial prison escapist

[54:44] played by Jim Carrey

[54:45] in probably his best performance ever

[54:48] who falls in love

[54:49] with a fellow prison inmate

[54:51] played by Ewan McGregor

[54:53] who also does a pretty good job.

[54:55] And it seems like

[54:55] the only thing that kept it

[54:56] from being released

[54:57] is that it is very open

[54:59] about the main characters

[55:00] being gay

[55:01] and having a sexual relationship

[55:03] and just not...

[55:06] It's one of those movies

[55:07] where a character is gay

[55:08] but that's not really a plot point.

[55:10] And it seems like people

[55:10] are uncomfortable

[55:11] with that at the moment.

[55:13] But it was a good movie

[55:14] and I would recommend it.

Dan McCoy

[55:16] I have not had a lot of time

[55:18] to watch movies recently.

[55:20] Get new jobs and stuff.

[55:21] Sure.

[55:22] Just live in large.

[55:23] You know what I'm saying?

[55:24] Yeah.

[55:24] And in charge occasionally.

[55:26] Like Charles.

[55:27] But...

[55:28] So I'm going to do

[55:29] my normal thing

[55:30] when I haven't had time

[55:32] to see a movie

[55:32] which is to stare

[55:33] at my DVD shelf.

[55:35] And...

[55:35] If you want to...

[55:36] You can probably think of one

[55:37] while Stuart Beckham's

[55:38] Castle Freak

[55:39] or the Invisible Maniac.

[55:40] Nope.

[55:41] Sure.

[55:42] Head of the family.

[55:42] It was like...

Stuart Wellington

[55:43] Head of the family.

[55:45] Come on guys.

[55:45] Don't underestimate me.

[55:47] Like a week or so ago

[55:49] was Friday the 13th

[55:50] so I re-watched

[55:51] Friday the 13th Part 7.

[55:53] My favorite of the

[55:54] Friday the 13th movies.

[55:55] Which one is that?

[55:55] That's the one where...

[55:57] It's after he took

[55:58] Manhattan, right?

[55:59] It's right before.

[56:00] That's the one where

[56:01] Jason has been

Dan McCoy

[56:02] sunk to the bottom

[56:03] of a lake.

[56:04] Did he take Manhattan

[56:05] before or after the Muppets?

[56:06] Like who currently

[56:07] has control of Manhattan?

[56:08] The Muppets.

[56:09] Oh no.

[56:10] They split control.

Elliott Kalan

[56:11] It's a timeshare thing.

Stuart Wellington

[56:12] Yeah.

[56:12] Sorry.

[56:13] Go on.

[56:13] It is way better

[56:14] when the Muppets

[56:14] are in control.

[56:15] Jason,

[56:16] it's kind of random.

[56:18] He has...

[56:20] He walks around slowly

[56:21] and kills people

[56:22] when they get too close.

[56:23] But in this movie

[56:24] he begins...

[56:26] He opens a fashion agency.

[56:29] He wears products.

[56:30] He begins a life

[56:32] in Crystal Lake

[56:35] and he is awoken

[56:36] from his eternal slumber

[56:37] by a telekinetic girl

[56:40] who is accidentally...

[56:42] Accidentally rises him

[56:44] from the dead

[56:44] when she tries to bring

[56:46] her dead drowned father

[56:47] back to life.

[56:48] And then he basically

[56:50] spends the rest of the movie

[56:51] battling this telekinetic girl.

[56:53] And then right before

[56:54] he kills her

[56:56] her zombie dad

[56:57] drags him down to hell.

[56:58] It's pretty awesome.

[57:00] So, spoiler alert.

[57:01] Spoiler alert.

[57:02] But you should still watch it

[57:03] because it's hilarious.

[57:04] Thanks, Mike.

[57:05] Well, I'm going to recommend...

[57:06] It's Friday the 13th part 7.

[57:07] Part 7.

[57:08] What's the subtitle?

[57:09] I don't remember.

[57:10] Jason Takes Manhattan?

Dan McCoy

[57:11] No.

[57:12] That's part 8.

[57:13] All right.

[57:13] From my DVD shelf,

[57:14] I'm going to recommend...

[57:15] Mission to Moscow?

[57:16] It is Mission to Moscow.

[57:17] Talking Heads,

[57:18] Stop Making Sense.

[57:20] It's barely even a movie.

[57:22] What do you mean

[57:22] it's barely...

[57:23] It's the best concert film

[57:24] ever made.

[57:25] It's a concert film.

[57:26] In my opinion.

[57:27] Jonathan Demmey,

[57:29] who did

[57:29] Silence of the Lambs,

[57:31] Something Wild,

[57:33] many other great films.

[57:34] And many bad films.

[57:36] Yeah, recently.

[57:37] Recently,

[57:38] recently bad films.

[57:40] But before...

[57:41] Silence of the Lambs

[57:42] and earlier,

[57:43] all good films.

[57:44] Did he do

Elliott Kalan

[57:44] The Conspiracy Theory?

[57:45] Or was that...

[57:46] No, it was Richard Donner,

[57:47] wasn't it?

[57:47] Yeah, that's Richard.

Dan McCoy

[57:48] He did the terrible

[57:49] charade remake,

[57:51] Truth About Charlie.

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[57:53] Yeah.

[57:53] But Stop Making Sense

[57:54] is very good.

Dan McCoy

[57:55] Stop Making Sense

[57:56] is, as I said,

[57:57] I think the best concert film

[57:58] ever made.

[58:00] Didn't...

[58:00] Never Seen Ever,

Elliott Kalan

[58:02] Justin Bieber film?

[58:03] Yeah, it just came out.

[58:04] Yeah.

[58:04] All right.

[58:05] Probably better,

[58:06] because it's...

[58:06] Newer.

[58:07] Newer, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:07] I've been corrected.

[58:08] And they don't sing

Elliott Kalan

[58:09] that fantasy song.

[58:12] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[58:13] So I guess you're right.

[58:15] I rescind my recommendation.

[58:16] No, Dan recommends

[58:17] Stop Making Sense.

[58:17] I have no recommendations

[58:18] for this week.

Stuart Wellington

[58:20] Are you going to crawl back

[58:22] into your hermit crowd?

[58:23] I'm going to crawl back

Dan McCoy

[58:24] into my hermit hole.

[58:26] We really broke...

Stuart Wellington

[58:27] We went too far.

[58:28] I'm sorry, Dan.

[58:29] He was so excited

[58:30] at the beginning of the podcast

[58:31] with my new promotion.

[58:31] I really need an intern

[58:32] to take my side on this

Dan McCoy

[58:33] for moral support.

Stuart Wellington

[58:34] Yeah, we need an intern.

Dan McCoy

[58:36] I'm on a beer, too, I think.

[58:38] Yeah.

[58:38] All right.

[58:38] Well, let's go for more chicken.

[58:39] Let's get Stuart some more beer,

[58:42] Elliot some more chicken,

[58:42] and me some moral support.

[58:43] So I'm going to sign off.

[58:44] My name's been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[58:47] Oh, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[58:49] And I am Ellie Kalen,

[58:51] and will continue to be

[58:52] after this is over.

[58:53] Good night, everyone.

[58:55] Living in a box!

Stuart Wellington

[59:02] Slap on your adult diapers.

[59:06] Slap bracelets.

[59:06] Yep.

[59:07] Accidentally cut yourself

[59:08] on a defective slab bracelet.

Elliott Kalan

[59:10] Then jump up and down

[59:12] on your L.A. Lights shoes

[59:13] so the lights and the heel

[59:15] can go on and off.

[59:18] Put your hypercolor up to a toaster.

Stuart Wellington

[59:20] Sure, yep.

[59:21] Wear your British Knight

[59:22] dime-a-cells.

Elliott Kalan

[59:23] Go down to Pizza Hut

[59:24] for your Back to the Future 2

[59:25] solar shades.

[59:27] And to cash in all

[59:28] of your book-it points.

Stuart Wellington

[59:30] Speaking of book-it,

[59:31] I was talking to a girl

[59:32] about how when we were

[59:34] in elementary school

[59:35] you would get, like,

[59:36] points for reading books

[59:38] that you could apply

[59:39] to getting a personal pan pizza.

[59:41] And she was like,

[59:42] so I ended up eating

[59:44] a lot of pizza

[59:44] because I love to read.

[59:45] I'm like, that's funny.

[59:46] I had to read

[59:47] because I loved eating pizza.

[59:49] Ha ha ha.

[59:49] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode #81 - The Roommate

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