The Flop House: Episode #81 - The Roommate

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss single white female for tweens, the roommate.

[0:05] And remember to stop by www.flophousepodcast.com for information about our live Flophouse event.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:44] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:45] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:46] We're all back again.

[0:47] Hey guys, I don't mean to interrupt you, Dan, but I have...

[0:52] I mean, you did.

[0:52] Derailed instantly.

[0:53] Right off the bat.

[0:55] The penny was on the track, apparently, under the train when it started.

[1:00] Are we talking about a fucking penny and a dinosaur again?

[1:03] Yeah.

[1:04] We'll get there.

[1:07] I just want to share something with you guys and our listeners at home or in their car going to their boring day job.

[1:17] They're listening to this on Satellite XM.

[1:19] Yeah, they're going on their daily commute to their grind.

[1:25] They're boring jobs.

[1:27] Wow.

[1:28] I just got a new job, guys.

[1:31] Oh, wow.

[1:32] I just wanted to be, you know, everybody already seemed excited about their jobs.

[1:37] I just got a job at The Daily Show.

[1:40] Really?

[1:41] Yeah.

[1:42] That's great.

[1:42] That does not seem right.

[1:43] That's great, Stuart.

[1:44] No, yeah, I did.

[1:44] What are you going to be doing there?

[1:45] I am an animal wrangler.

[1:48] We needed one.

[1:49] We've needed one for a long time.

[1:50] A lot of dogs.

[1:51] It was mainly scorpions.

[1:53] Oh, really?

[1:54] Yeah.

[1:55] But yeah, all kinds of animal wrangling

[1:58] Bathing

[1:59] Bathing scorpions

[2:01] With like using a toothbrush on their shells

[2:04] Yeah, of course

[2:04] And a little bit of sanitizer fluid

[2:06] I have not been paying attention for the past week or so

[2:08] But that doesn't seem correct

[2:09] I believe him

[2:11] It's a variety show

[2:12] You've probably seen it before

[2:13] It's the Daily Show

[2:14] It's a music or variety show

[2:16] A lot of scorpion acts

[2:16] It's on Hulu, I think

[2:17] Yes, that's right

[2:19] Are you sure you're not just taking care of our in-house band, the Scorpions?

[2:24] Well, I do that too, but that's...

[2:25] Because they are...

[2:26] I'm not being paid for that.

[2:27] Oh, okay.

[2:28] I just do that.

[2:29] Because I am a Scorpions mega fan.

[2:32] Mega fan.

[2:33] You can name more than one of their songs.

[2:34] Such as?

[2:37] Rock You Like a Hurricane.

[2:38] That's the one.

[2:39] That's one.

[2:39] Okay, I think another one.

[2:40] And Dust in the Wind.

[2:44] I don't think that's a Scorpions song.

[2:47] Yeah, it was one they called them from Kansas.

[2:49] Is Winds of Change, is that a...

[2:51] Winds of Chains?

[2:53] Winds of Chains.

[2:54] That must be the most dangerous storm in the world.

[2:57] Chains whip it around?

[2:58] The Wind of Change.

[2:59] The Winds of Change.

[3:00] I don't know what you're talking about.

[3:01] I have three songs.

[3:02] Rock Me Like a Hurricane, Scorpions, the song, and Scorpions 2, the other song.

[3:07] Okay.

[3:07] And the Scorpions, the song goes, Scorpions, we're the Scorpions, Scorpions.

[3:13] It's like that over and over again.

[3:15] I mean, we have a little more time.

[3:17] We've got a lot.

[3:18] We have nothing but time on this podcast.

[3:20] There's nothing scheduled.

[3:22] So I just want to bring that up mainly to get the congratulations.

[3:26] Congratulations.

[3:27] Thanks, Eric.

[3:28] I appreciate it.

[3:29] You have taken the thunder.

[3:31] Any other announcement would seem pitiful.

[3:33] So tune in to The Daily Show.

[3:35] You'll see if you see any animals.

[3:37] Stuart will be all probably wrangled then.

[3:40] You'll see probably Stuart's hand reaching in from out of the corner holding a peanut butter sandwich up to a member of the band, the Scorpions, to get them to keep playing.

[3:46] If there's a scar on my hand, it's probably the scar I got playing flag football.

[3:52] with scorpions with yeah well their flags are very tiny on their little carapace yeah

[4:00] it's hard to pull them off without getting stung i like to call it a carapace okay well that's fair

[4:04] i mean you know it's the same thing but it just sounds cooler i mean like it like a gartham's

[4:10] carapace there's not a single word cooler than exoskeleton

[4:14] it uh all right hold on let's take a break for this siren outside

[4:19] just all imagine where it could be going it's just more new york realism yeah uh you know it

[4:27] would seem siren okay it's probably silence man good keep going uh you know it would seem

[4:36] churlish of me to make an announcement at this point but uh yeah why don't we just get right

[4:41] to the meat of the flop the roommate okay it seems that starring minka i mean elliot meet and

[4:48] Elliot Meister.

[4:48] Elliot has deliberately one-upped me on several occasions.

[4:52] Cam Gajanjit, yes.

[4:54] I don't know if I would say I one-upped you.

[4:56] You would be like, oh, like I went camping and it was fun, and I'd be like, I was at the Emmys and I won one.

[5:00] Or you'd be like, oh, you know, I met this guy, you know, you hadn't heard of him, but I've been a fan of his music.

[5:06] And I'd be like, well, I fist-bumped the president.

[5:07] Sure.

[5:08] Well, I would somewhat argue that's the definition of one-upping.

[5:12] I don't think so.

[5:13] It's more like a hundred-upping.

[5:14] I mean, I feel like –

[5:15] Like a hundred better than you.

[5:17] Stuart has thrown down a sort of a hot one.

[5:18] I think Elliot's joke was funnier than yours, too.

[5:20] I don't mean to throw – I don't mean to –

[5:21] Thank you, sir.

[5:22] Well, he's been a writer for The Daily Show for quite some time.

[5:26] Who?

[5:26] The Daily Show.

[5:27] No, who's been a writer for The Daily Show?

[5:30] I like that you said who and you said The Daily Show, which is not a person.

[5:33] Elliot's been a writer.

[5:35] Oh, yeah.

[5:36] For The Daily Show for quite some time, so he's good at making jokes.

[5:39] Wait, we work on the same show?

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] You didn't realize that?

[5:42] No, I didn't.

[5:42] I interviewed you for the job.

[5:43] Oh, no kidding.

[5:44] Why do you wear a mustache?

[5:46] So they asked me to do that.

[5:47] Okay, and a hat.

[5:48] More on hats later.

[5:50] Damn.

[5:50] And there will be more on hats later.

[5:53] No, I just wanted to let you know that I...

[5:56] Hey, Stuart, did you get a haircut?

[5:57] You're looking really good.

[5:58] Nope, I just did.

[5:59] I just put some water in it when I went to the bathroom.

[6:02] Tips of the pros.

[6:03] Stuart sets up a bit.

[6:06] Pro tip.

[6:07] Stuart really enjoys setting up a bit and then preventing the bit from paying off.

[6:11] Yes, what is the payoff, Dan?

[6:13] Make your announcement.

[6:14] The payoff is that I got hired as a writer for that particular television program.

[6:19] And what show is that?

[6:20] That's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

[6:22] Yay! Mazel Tov.

[6:24] Today you are a professional comedy writer.

[6:26] Well, technically the Tuesday after Memorial Day.

[6:28] It took a while, but I finally stopped making a liar of The New York Times,

[6:32] which listed me as a comedy writer in my wedding announcement.

[6:35] And what year was that?

[6:36] That was quite some time ago.

[6:38] We've been married for about six years, I think.

[6:41] About six years.

[6:42] That's probably what his wife says.

[6:43] I can't remember.

[6:44] Hold on.

[6:46] Eh, more or less.

[6:46] I don't remember the year you were married.

[6:48] I remember the year I was married.

[6:49] I came with a...

[6:50] 2010.

[6:50] You know what?

[6:52] I came with a mnemonic to remember what year it was, and I've forgotten what that mnemonic

[6:56] device was.

[6:57] Well, one is pronounced mnemonic.

[6:58] Okay.

[6:58] No, you can say mnemonic.

[7:00] That sounds funnier.

[7:01] Okay.

[7:01] You shouldn't correct him when he says it wrong.

[7:03] I'm sorry, yeah.

[7:04] Where did...

[7:06] What were we talking about?

[7:07] The Roommates.

[7:07] Okay.

[7:08] The movie we watched.

[7:09] You got a job as a writer at The Daily Show.

[7:11] Okay.

[7:11] Very excited.

[7:12] And you had a scary roommate.

[7:13] Yes.

[7:15] You won't have a scary roommate.

[7:16] I know who your roommate's going to be.

[7:18] Oh, that's good.

[7:18] It's Minka Kelly.

[7:19] Minka Kelly or Cam Gajanjic.

[7:22] No, I don't want to linger on this either.

[7:24] So let's keep moving.

[7:27] I just think it's clear that being on the Flophouse.

[7:29] So you're trying to want the fact that I got a job as an animal wrangler.

[7:32] No, I'm just saying that clearly being on the Flophouse is a fast track to being employed at the Daily Show.

[7:37] Well, at this point.

[7:38] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[7:39] Fully 66.666% repeating of The Flophouse is a writer for The Daily Show.

[7:44] Yeah.

[7:45] Very exciting.

[7:45] You'll have to change your bio on the website.

[7:47] Oh, God.

[7:48] Yeah, that's a real pain.

[7:49] So many things to do.

[7:50] So many things to do before Tuesday.

[7:52] You have to change your occupation on Facebook from hateful drone to comedy writer.

[7:57] You know, I told my friends, though.

[7:59] I said to them, I was like...

[8:00] A television writer.

[8:00] I told them, don't worry.

[8:02] I'll complain just as much as before.

[8:05] You'll just be less sympathetic about it.

[8:07] Oh, yes.

[8:08] I've learned that.

[8:09] So, guys.

[8:10] That's all for Job Cast.

[8:11] If listeners, if the listeners out there, if you've grown to love the hateful, sad Dan

[8:17] McCoy, don't worry.

[8:18] He's not going anywhere.

[8:19] No, if anything, he will only become more alienated from his own work.

[8:22] Yeah.

[8:23] I'm just kidding.

[8:24] It's a great place.

[8:24] Anyway, that's not what this podcast is about.

[8:29] This podcast is about the roommate starring Minka Kelly, Kink Melly, and Leighton Meester.

[8:36] And Cam Gajandit.

[8:38] Nobody in this movie has a –

[8:39] And Famke Jansen.

[8:40] It's the most reasonable name in this movie is Billy Zane, which sounds like Billy Insane or Billy Zaney.

[8:49] This movie is about two ladies that look like each other.

[8:52] They don't look that much like each other.

[8:54] What's up with parents naming their kids silly names nowadays?

[8:57] Know what I mean?

[8:58] I mean all of the people in this movie are in their late 20s, so it's not really nowadays.

[9:03] You're like trying to get me to steal your catchphrase, your famous catchphrase.

[9:06] Is this a bit –

[9:07] Yeah, now I know.

[9:08] His famous catchphrase.

[9:10] It's not even the most famous of his three or four dozen catchphrases.

[9:13] His most famous catchphrase is just a noise.

[9:16] What would that noise be?

[9:17] I will not do it on command.

[9:21] Yeah, we have to wait until the house cat wanders into the room.

[9:23] Yep.

[9:23] It's like urinating in public.

[9:26] You have to kind of focus and just be quiet and maybe it'll happen.

[9:31] Well, we watched The Roommate with Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester and Cam Gajandit and Billy Zane.

[9:38] And Ali Michalka.

[9:41] Let's just point out that Billy Zane is a reoccurring Flophouse favorite.

[9:45] Yep, yes.

[9:46] We need a sound effect for that.

[9:48] And just a favorite in my – I like that.

[9:52] It's pretty good, yeah.

[9:53] It's just a favorite in my life.

[9:54] Like a foghorn?

[9:55] It's a Billy Zane horn.

[9:56] Yeah.

[9:57] In honor of his work in Dead Calm.

[10:00] And Titanic.

[10:01] Yeah, it's for when the shrimp boats are coming in on a foggy night and they need to know where the Billy Zane's at.

[10:08] So they don't get raped.

[10:09] There's a giant glowing Billy Zane out on the point.

[10:12] Hey, dude, Kelly Brook liked it.

[10:14] Wow, okay.

[10:15] That's all I'm saying.

[10:17] Do you think that's because he kind of looks like a giant penis?

[10:19] I mean, maybe.

[10:21] Does that suggest something in a woman's mind?

[10:23] I'd like to see the penises you're looking at.

[10:26] Well, they all have stubble.

[10:27] That's interesting.

[10:28] And weird toothy faces.

[10:29] They all smash evil.

[10:31] sure slam evil dan i'm sorry he slammed evil as the phantom who smashes evil i guess the

[10:36] hulk would smash evil hulk just smashes things he literally hulk smash he just smashes yeah

[10:43] he's leaving it open-ended yeah no one smashes evil so we would explain what this movie is

[10:53] except for it's exactly a single white female it is the movie single white female but set at a

[10:58] college dorm and all the college students are obviously in their late 20s we didn't get any

[11:03] closure who's the steven weber character then uh i get well i mean i guess he's the old uh the old

[11:09] ex-boyfriend well that's the thing in single white female correct me if i'm wrong she has a boyfriend

[11:14] and they broke up but then they got back together and then the roommate steals the boyfriend wants

[11:19] to steal the boyfriend away or tries to seduce well i mean she seduces him and then kills him

[11:22] by slamming the heel of a spiked stiletto pump.

[11:27] Because in this one, there's an old boyfriend that the heroine doesn't like anymore,

[11:32] and there's a new boyfriend.

[11:33] The heroine?

[11:33] Yeah, the hero who's a girl.

[11:35] Heroette, sorry.

[11:36] The heroette.

[11:37] Heroics.

[11:38] The heroine.

[11:39] Okay, we call it.

[11:41] Well, that's a drug.

[11:42] It's also the way it's pronounced.

[11:44] It's a very dangerous one.

[11:45] I don't think so.

[11:46] The heroine has a new boyfriend, Squinty McCamjigandjit,

[11:51] He was always squinting and making his eyebrows go crazy and is kind of gay and –

[11:57] But he's a drummer.

[11:58] But he's a drummer for a band called The Walthers.

[12:00] So he's going to get laid probably.

[12:01] Named after James Bond's gun.

[12:02] Sure.

[12:03] But there's also an ex-boyfriend, Jason, who keeps calling the heroine and the crazy roommate pretends to be her and they have sex and then she kills him with a box cutter.

[12:18] She stabs him twice, and he immediately expires.

[12:22] So basically, for those of you who haven't seen SWF or Single White Female, not to be confused with SFW, the movie.

[12:30] Right.

[12:31] I'm just trying to remember what that stands for.

[12:33] Single Female White.

[12:35] Yeah, I think that was it.

[12:36] So Minka Kelly is a college student at the University of Los Angeles.

[12:43] It's a university for older students, I would imagine.

[12:48] Yes, because they're all not – it's the only college I've seen where everyone has crow's feet and smile lines.

[12:54] So make a Kelly.

[12:55] Let's call her Lila Garrity just to make it easier.

[12:58] Lila Garrity from Nathaniel.

[12:59] That's her character on Sunday night.

[13:01] On the Friday night lights.

[13:02] Friday night – what night is that on?

[13:04] Friday.

[13:04] And what's the light situation like?

[13:07] Do they have them?

[13:08] Yeah.

[13:09] Presumably.

[13:10] So it's during the day?

[13:11] It's in the title.

[13:12] Well, there's lights on the show, and then there's lights in the tubes of your television set.

[13:18] No, that's not how televisions work.

[13:19] So I'm assuming that her character left the show to go –

[13:22] Tubes in your television set.

[13:22] All right, Grandpa.

[13:23] Why don't I use the clicker?

[13:25] Oh, they aren't invented yet.

[13:27] I guess I'll get up and turn the dial to the UHF station.

[13:30] I didn't – I don't want to tell you –

[13:33] Tubes in your televisions.

[13:34] Oh, hold on.

[13:35] I've got to walk across the room to use the telephone, and it uses a rotary dial.

[13:40] I didn't want to do this, but I have to take my mask off, and it's me, Philo P. Farnsworth.

[13:45] Oh, no.

[13:46] Hey, guys.

[13:47] What's up?

[13:47] Your voice didn't change at all.

[13:49] No.

[13:50] It's not a very good disguise.

[13:52] Sure.

[13:52] So Lila Garrity left Friday Night Lights to go to college.

[13:57] To go to college.

[13:57] And I'm presuming that this is the college she went to.

[13:59] And she moves in with Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl.

[14:02] Okay.

[14:03] Who is Leighton Meister.

[14:04] Leighton Meister?

[14:05] I think it's Leighton Meister, but I have no idea.

[14:08] They all have crazy names.

[14:09] Yeah.

[14:10] Anyway, she moves in with Leighton, and it turns out Leighton Meester is the artsy smart girl who is also crazy, of course, wants to be her roommate, is threatening anyone she sees as an obstacle in her way.

[14:21] She wants to be insider.

[14:22] I mean, insider skin as her.

[14:24] Climb insider.

[14:25] No.

[14:26] It's really creepy.

[14:27] What, you got a taunt on?

[14:28] Yeah.

[14:28] Yeah, to keep warm on the steps of Hoth after shooting a probe droid.

[14:33] Okay.

[14:34] Anyway.

[14:35] I'm actually more excited than I was.

[14:37] Make it count.

[14:38] It does smell bad on the outside.

[14:39] The characters spend a lot of time just kind of wandering around and not doing very much.

[14:46] And there's not a lot of other students.

[14:47] It's like Saved by the Bell, the college years, in that there's no one at the college except the main characters.

[14:52] And like a few extras, and it gets to the point where by the last third of the movie,

[14:56] anytime you see an extra walk by, you're like, where are they going?

[14:59] What's their story about?

[15:01] Yeah.

[15:01] It creates a real believable world, is what I'm saying.

[15:04] And it's claustrophobic.

[15:06] On some level, it makes the threat seem more genuine because this crazy girl, like there's, she has, the non-crazy girl has no one to turn to because there's only like two other people.

[15:18] Yeah.

[15:18] And she, the non-crazy girl gets a boyfriend who meets her by literally bumping into her and spilling beer all over her.

[15:26] On purpose.

[15:27] On purpose.

[15:28] He's the drummer in a band.

[15:29] They, of course, hit it off because he's a jerk.

[15:33] Well, their relationship was initially based on her drinking punch that was spiked.

[15:38] Without her realizing it.

[15:40] Which she was surprised about.

[15:41] She was at a college party and surprised that the punch was loaded with alcohol.

[15:45] Well, here's the thing.

[15:45] You pointed out pretty early on, Stuart, what is the defining characteristic of the main character?

[15:50] Hat.

[15:51] Hat wearing.

[15:52] The other one.

[15:53] Just two of them.

[15:53] Repeatedly through this movie, the character puts things in her mouth that other people hands her without questioning it.

[16:01] Whether it's spike punch, pills given to her by a crazy person, coffee, booze, people buy her booze.

[16:09] It seems like they make a point of showing other people giving her things.

[16:12] At one point she puts a drink down in a bar, walks away, comes back and just picks up a drink and drinks it.

[16:18] And you don't even know for sure that it's her drink.

[16:20] Could she just be drinking anything?

[16:22] This is almost porn for potential date rapists.

[16:25] Like the idea of this is the perfect candidate for them to go after.

[16:30] And what was her other characteristic?

[16:32] Hats and scarves.

[16:33] Yeah, she wears a lot of hats and scarves, which is contagious.

[16:35] Billy Zane is wearing hats and scarves.

[16:37] Well, they're both in the style industry.

[16:39] What you have to understand is that hats and scarves mean style.

[16:41] That's right.

[16:42] We didn't mention that.

[16:42] Billy Zane teaches her fashion design class.

[16:45] He's the Tim Gunn of this universe.

[16:46] Except he's super straight and hits on his students.

[16:48] And he wears, like, Paul Prudhomme hats.

[16:50] Yeah, they look kind of like newsboy caps.

[16:54] He should be fighting Hearst's monopoly over the pape industry.

[17:00] But anyway, she has this new roommate.

[17:01] The roommate intimidates people.

[17:04] This other girl who she's friends with, the roommate tracks her down in the showers and beats her up and then pulls her belly button ring out.

[17:15] Not as hard as it sounds, by the way.

[17:17] No, it's not very good.

[17:18] But if you ever wanted to see Ali Michkala of television's Hellcats.

[17:26] Michalka.

[17:27] And what was the other?

[17:28] She was also the friend of Easy A.

[17:30] Yeah, you recommended that.

[17:31] She was in Phil of the Future.

[17:34] She's friends with Eazy-E.

[17:35] If you want to see her belly button ring get pulled out, this is your chance.

[17:40] What is Phil of the Future?

[17:41] It was a Disney children's tween sitcom.

[17:45] I don't like that you know that.

[17:46] I'm uncomfortable right now.

[17:48] Yeah.

[17:48] Anyway, things escalate, or rather they don't.

[17:52] They just kind of keep plodding along until finally...

[17:54] They sexcalate.

[17:55] I wish they sexcalated.

[17:57] If they sex collided, there would be a reason for this movie to exist.

[18:00] There's very little, like, thrills or anything.

[18:03] They did manage to sneak in the crazy roommate masturbation sequence.

[18:07] Yes.

[18:08] Albeit slightly different than...

[18:10] See, crazy roommate accepts a call on her roommate's phone from the ex-boyfriend, Jason,

[18:14] and they masturbate with each other over the phone while, in another location,

[18:19] Minka is having sex with her new boyfriend, the drummer, and there's a lot of close-ups of teeth.

[18:23] I love the...

[18:24] Because the Danish director, Christian E. Christensen, apparently thinks that teeth are very sexy.

[18:28] That means son of Christian, Christian son of Christian, right?

[18:31] Something like that, yeah.

[18:32] And they've been Christian for at least two generations.

[18:35] And the crazy girl while masturbating is also staring at a childhood picture of her roommate, Minka Kelly, and her dead older sister.

[18:43] Things get – the final straw that breaks –

[18:45] I mean she's not dead in the picture.

[18:47] That would be really weird.

[18:48] The final straw that breaks Minka Kelly's back, metaphorically, is that she has a tattoo of her sister's name, Emily, on her boob.

[18:55] The classiest place to get a tattoo of a dead sister.

[18:58] In memoriam.

[18:59] And her crazy roommate goes to get a tattoo, and she gets the same tattoo and starts saying,

[19:04] You can consider me your sister.

[19:06] Pretend I'm your sister.

[19:07] That is too much for Minka Kelly, and things escalate to the point where they have a knock-down, drag-out fight

[19:14] That involves people getting things smashed over their heads and punched and like pointing guns at each other and getting knocked out of windows.

[19:22] Minka Kelly's lesbian best friend who has been tied to the bed for apparently three days.

[19:27] Not as hot as it sounds.

[19:28] Yeah.

[19:29] There's a lot of things that in description sound very like titillating or sleazy but come off as boring.

[19:35] Like putting a kitten in a dryer.

[19:38] That's right.

[19:38] They pick up a stray kitten named Cuddles or they name it Cuddles.

[19:41] Yeah, I mean it doesn't tell them its name is Cuddles or anything.

[19:43] It hands him a business card that says Cuddles, Kitten.

[19:47] Where do they get business cards?

[19:49] You just get them for free.

[19:51] Oh, okay.

[19:52] On the other side of the business card, there's an ad for the business card company.

[19:55] I would love to see that now.

[19:57] A movie where an animal hands a business card to somebody.

[20:00] Yeah.

[20:01] Well, I mean, most likely it would be like a cartoon, and it would be an animal detective or something.

[20:08] That's an animal who solves crimes, not a detective who looks.

[20:12] Because there's a Pet Detective movie already.

[20:14] In fact, three of them.

[20:16] Oh, really?

[20:16] What's the deal there?

[20:18] Is it a comedy?

[20:19] A thriller?

[20:19] It's a Holocaust drama.

[20:22] Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

[20:24] I'm surprised you don't remember it.

[20:27] It was a Best Picture winner.

[20:27] Yeah, I usually don't see those movies.

[20:31] The nudity just makes me sad often.

[20:33] Wow.

[20:34] I mean, when there's nudity, it makes me sad in those movies.

[20:37] It's not like...

[20:38] Anything else in those movies makes you happy.

[20:40] It's just the nudity that makes you sad.

[20:41] Well, no.

[20:42] I mean, but I don't like being sad.

[20:43] He's talking about his penis.

[20:44] Yeah.

[20:46] Wait, my penis makes me sad?

[20:48] This is a bigger issue than we have time to deal with on the podcast.

[20:51] Anyway, in the end.

[20:53] Wait, wait, wait.

[20:54] I want to go back to this.

[20:55] So there's a pet detective?

[20:58] Yes.

[20:59] He's not.

[21:01] The detective isn't someone's pet.

[21:03] He's a detective.

[21:05] He's a detective who finds pets.

[21:06] That works about pets.

[21:07] Yeah.

[21:07] It's a pet-related business.

[21:09] So it's not a pet that's actually a detective.

[21:11] No, no.

[21:11] It's a detective who finds pets.

[21:12] Okay.

[21:13] It's like Petco is not a company run by pets.

[21:16] Well, I assume not.

[21:18] And pets.com is not a website.

[21:19] But it is where the pets go, right?

[21:21] No, people go to get things for their pets.

[21:24] I'm all confused.

[21:25] Let's go back to the roommate.

[21:27] All right, the roommate.

[21:28] Well, they have a stray cat named Cuddles, and I'm not sure why the roommate decides to kill it,

[21:34] but she just puts it in the dryer in the campus laundry room.

[21:40] It was very sad, Stuart.

[21:41] Yeah?

[21:42] I remember you being very sad.

[21:43] I thought it was hilarious for like a minute.

[21:44] No.

[21:45] No, I thought like just for a minute.

[21:47] And then it gets sad real quick.

[21:48] I mean, the willingness.

[21:51] It's like slapstick comedy.

[21:52] I mean, it's funny until somebody actually gets hurt, right?

[21:54] You know, like the trustingness of this kitty.

[21:57] And then how sad it was.

[21:59] It's weird when it gets hurt in Jackie Chan movies.

[22:00] I mean, the sad part.

[22:01] I mean, I was, what I expected was this is like a single white female fatal attraction type movie.

[22:06] I expected her to cook the cat and try to serve it to the roommate.

[22:10] They really wasted the potential of the cat.

[22:11] Like Titus Andronicus.

[22:13] Yes, like Titus Andronicus.

[22:15] They cook the woman's sons and feed them to her.

[22:19] Sure, it's the same thing.

[22:20] Exactly.

[22:21] It's the same thing.

[22:22] Like 4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie.

[22:24] Sure.

[22:25] So that was sad.

[22:27] But that's the movie.

[22:28] It's the simplest plot in the world, and they somehow still fuck it up.

[22:31] Pardon my French.

[22:32] Here's something that I don't care for in this movie.

[22:34] Thank you.

[22:36] This movie seems to be anti the sensitive, arty, sort of intelligent girl with taste.

[22:47] If you like to draw and you go to museums.

[22:49] Yeah, and if you don't think that The Devil Wears Prada is the greatest movie like Minka Kelly does, you're the crazy one.

[22:56] If you're the one who doesn't like to go out to the club and dance, then you obviously have something wrong with you.

[23:01] this is a movie where the good friend who gets scared away by the bad evil roommate

[23:05] gets drunk at a party and flashes a bunch of guys with cameras yeah but the and you know that's just

[23:11] i mean i don't think it's really any different than the like country versus city thing that you

[23:16] see in every other like comedy you're just like in the same anti-sophistication sort of yeah i mean

[23:23] yes it is hard to do a pro smart people pro sophistication comedy even without coming off

[23:30] like they're pretty stupid yeah i mean they're still all about boobs and getting laid but like

[23:36] if you made a snobs versus slobs movie coercing women into sleeping with them by uh putting on

[23:41] the costume of their boyfriend much like in the roommate sure and cheating at all the uh she's

[23:47] the bad guy in this movie i thought the nerds are the bad guys that's why they get revenge

[23:51] and they the whole time about this hell yeah and the whole time in revenge of the nerds when

[23:56] When they're going through that contest with the other frat, they like cheat at every single contest that they win.

[24:03] Well, they use their smarts to cheat.

[24:05] But yeah, they're still cheating.

[24:06] They're still breaking the rules.

[24:07] That's because the nerds are the bad guys.

[24:08] They're working smarter, not harder.

[24:09] That's because people misunderstood.

[24:10] Wait, what?

[24:11] They're working smarter, not harder.

[24:12] They're shifting the paradigm.

[24:14] Okay.

[24:15] That's because people misunderstand that the nerds are the bad guys in Revenge of the Nerds.

[24:19] Yeah.

[24:20] Who misunderstands that?

[24:21] Everybody.

[24:22] So everyone thinks the nerds are the bad guys.

[24:25] No, no, everyone thinks the nerds are the good guys when actually they're the bad guys.

[24:28] Well, I mean I'm assuming the jocks don't think they're the good guys.

[24:31] The jocks are –

[24:33] Well, they exist within –

[24:34] Like Ogre and his other guys exist within the –

[24:37] In the film.

[24:37] The context of the film.

[24:38] I imagine William Zabka doesn't feel that way.

[24:40] Well, there is – it is hard to make – like you're never going to see a movie where the snobs beat the slobs, where the slobs are the bad guys.

[24:48] Even though being a snob myself, I find slobs not the heroes a lot of times.

[24:53] Yeah, you find them distasteful.

[24:55] Well, it's a reason I'm not a fan of the Seth Rogen guys hanging out in movies.

[24:58] I also don't understand, I mean...

[25:01] You kick them with your spat as you walk by.

[25:03] I hit them with my cane, yeah.

[25:04] I think that's probably the only time John Goodman's ever gotten to be one of the snobs.

[25:09] As in, revenge of the nerds.

[25:11] Because he's the evil football coach.

[25:14] He's probably often typecast as a slob.

[25:16] But he's not the snob, he's the slob.

[25:18] He doesn't make him a snob, necessarily.

[25:19] The snobs are the nerds.

[25:20] I didn't think that, but they're...

[25:22] But, wait.

[25:23] That's kind of a slobs versus slobs comedy, the more I think about it.

[25:26] Well, jocks are always slobs.

[25:28] And there's a bunch of slobby nerds who install cameras in the sorority.

[25:34] Well, that's the thing.

[25:35] The nerds in that movie bear no relationship to real nerds, as far as I know.

[25:39] Yeah.

[25:41] I mean, they have pocket protectors and glasses and stuff.

[25:44] They should have called it Revenge of the Unattractive Jerks,

[25:47] who get a revenge on the slightly more attractive jerks.

[25:50] Okay.

[25:52] Or just call it Jerk University.

[25:53] Call it Jerk School.

[25:55] Yeah, Jerk U.

[25:56] And all the students are assholes.

[25:58] It's got a delicious pun in it.

[26:00] Jerk U.

[26:00] It sounds like the French renaming of it.

[26:04] Like the French release of Revenge of the...

[26:07] Jerk U.

[26:08] Call it Jerk U.

[26:09] They're all jerks.

[26:10] Every one of them is a jerk.

[26:13] I like how Teen Wolf was released in other countries as the boy from the future.

[26:17] Because Back to the Future had come out there already.

[26:19] Did you see that Matt Carman, our upcoming Flophouse Live co-host, he posted on Facebook there was a French translation of Children of the Corn, and the poster just said, horror child.

[26:31] That's pretty good, though.

[26:33] I mean, it's a good summary.

[26:35] Yeah.

[26:36] It's a better name for it than Children of the Corn.

[26:38] Yeah, what's the deal there, Dan?

[26:41] I don't know.

[26:41] I'm looking at you guys.

[26:43] I guess I'll let you down.

[26:45] I mean, I thought you were the Stephen King movie expert here.

[26:49] Yeah.

[26:50] Because I haven't been watching them because I thought you knew them all.

[26:52] Maximum Overdrive.

[26:54] Okay, now you got it.

[26:57] Okay.

[26:57] Now he's starting with Sleepwalkers.

[27:00] Wait, are we just having Dan name all the Stephen King movies?

[27:03] The Mangler.

[27:04] I'm not going to hurt his creativity.

[27:07] I'm not going to stifle Dan.

[27:08] This isn't creativity.

[27:09] He is a professional television writer.

[27:11] He's just listing things.

[27:13] Did you just say Silverback?

[27:14] Silver Bullet.

[27:15] Okay.

[27:16] It's Stephen King's Silver Bullet, isn't it?

[27:17] Sorry.

[27:18] Yeah, it is.

[27:19] But Tommy Knuckers.

[27:21] Anyway.

[27:22] I think you made that last one up, but let's continue.

[27:24] Maybe let's move on back to The Roommate.

[27:29] This is a dull movie, and everyone wears hats.

[27:33] It's like the freaking adjustment bureau over here.

[27:36] Everyone's wearing hats nowadays.

[27:38] But yeah, I guess there's not much to say about The Roommate.

[27:41] It's not a very good movie.

[27:42] I was hoping this would be like a sorority row where it turned out to be pretty enjoyable, but instead it wasn't.

[27:48] It would have to be an R-rated film for it to be a sorority row.

[27:50] Now, here's the problem, and this is something that has come up in a bunch of things I've read recently.

[27:55] It seems like Hollywood is just not comfortable making R-rated movies anymore, which baffles me.

[28:00] Because I feel like in the 80s and 90s, the whole thing was that people wouldn't go see a PG-13 movie or a PG movie.

[28:06] But nowadays, it seems like it's the opposite.

[28:08] Well, they started – I think part of the problem is they started actually enforcing some of this stuff.

[28:13] Like, people were like, hang on, kids are getting into these movies.

[28:17] And now they're compelled to actually –

[28:19] It's like the only thing that seems to be R-rated now is comedies.

[28:21] And kids see those anyway.

[28:23] They're still R-rated comedies.

[28:25] I don't know why we can't have the old-style R-rated horror films.

[28:29] I mean –

[28:30] Like what was the last – I guess the Saw movies are R-rated, right?

[28:33] Yeah, but that's – I don't want R-rated horror movies that are just unpleasant things happening to people's bodies.

[28:41] Like I want –

[28:42] You want a story that will help you feel better about being turned on by seeing unpleasant things.

[28:47] Sure, I want a little gore, but I also want a little sleaze.

[28:49] I'm a simple man, guys.

[28:52] Look, so hostile is what you want.

[28:54] Hostile, of those movies, that's certainly the best of that sort of wave of films.

[29:00] Yeah, I mean, I'll agree with you before Elliot will.

[29:03] Yeah, take that, Elliot.

[29:06] I don't feel like I've seen enough of those movies.

[29:08] All right, well, thanks for that.

[29:09] Well, it's going to instantly undercut his use as an agreement on that.

[29:16] See, look, at least Stuart agrees with me, brad.

[29:19] Really, that's who you're going to peg your credibility on, Dan?

[29:24] Is Burpee over here?

[29:25] Melcho?

[29:26] The Burpee seat cattle?

[29:27] Burpee-o?

[29:27] Oh, man, good stuff.

[29:30] We have not been funny tonight.

[29:32] It's my fault.

[29:33] Okay.

[29:34] Do we have more to say about this?

[29:36] Because if we don't, I can move on to...

[29:38] It's a fairly...

[29:38] I mean, we could go into it in more detail, but it's not really worth it.

[29:41] This is a programmer of a movie.

[29:43] Yeah, it's single white female.

[29:44] It's single white female without – but PG-13 and the kind of picture of college life that's very inaccurate in every detail.

[29:52] Less – the acting's –

[29:55] Acting was boring.

[29:56] The script is boring.

[29:58] Less weird lesbian subtext.

[30:01] There's a great part where the evil roommate is taking the good roommate to an art museum and she walks in and she goes, this is the modern section.

[30:09] It's just like big circles on the wall.

[30:12] It's like, oh, okay.

[30:13] Sure.

[30:14] You mean this isn't John Singer Sargent's work?

[30:16] Pretty sure.

[30:18] Wait, which of these is the Botticelli mural?

[30:21] Is it this film that's showing in the background?

[30:25] And Cam Gajandit acted mostly with his furrowed brow.

[30:29] I hated that guy.

[30:31] Yeah, he does like a James Franco impression the whole time.

[30:33] Yeah, he's a really bad James Franco.

[30:34] Eyebrows and smug looks.

[30:36] You want to iron his forehead out.

[30:39] You want to punch him in the face.

[30:39] Because it's so wrinkly.

[30:40] He's got a punchable face.

[30:41] He does a very punchable face, yeah.

[30:43] All right, so final judgments, I guess.

[30:46] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie,

[30:47] or a movie you kind of liked in some way?

[30:49] Elliot.

[30:49] I would say this is a bad bad movie.

[30:51] As I said while we were watching the film,

[30:54] it is the type of movie that makes Swimfan look like Psycho.

[30:56] Put that on a poster.

[30:58] No, the poster is the thing I like most about it

[31:02] because it said something like,

[31:03] every year a bunch of students get roommates.

[31:06] Yours could be crazy.

[31:08] So it's like, don't go to college, kids.

[31:11] it was a community it was a community college every year a bunch of kids

[31:17] well i paraphrase that way it's suing you know sue me take me to kids court

[31:22] why would you go to kids court for both adults well i mean if we all take it against the judge

[31:30] will say this is outside of my jurisdiction you need to go to adult court stewart's tired of all

[31:35] these activist judges he believes that the only true uh justice comes to the child yeah

[31:40] uh yeah no i would like you know this is a bad bad movie honestly like watching with you guys

[31:49] i don't know whether we haven't been together for a while i had a really good time watching

[31:52] it i'm watching it with you guys i wouldn't enjoy watching it by myself yeah it's sped by

[31:57] like compared to a lot of it is only 90 movies it's a bad bad movie but as those movies go it

[32:03] was it was much more painless than most of them okay i'll give you that yeah this is kind of a

[32:08] churred um there were there was a scene where a cat gets put in a dryer that was uh distressing

[32:16] and there was a fight scene in a shower which was not exciting at all yeah there's a shower

[32:22] scene with no nudity so that was that really distressed stewart does its best to pan as

[32:27] close as it can get to a nude body part and then back up again as legally close to a butt crack as

[32:33] One can get

[32:34] And then it just freezes

[32:36] Without the cops saying

[32:38] Hey get away from her

[32:39] Get away from that butt crack

[32:41] You've reached the

[32:43] Terminus Est or whatever

[32:45] The fight at the end was okay

[32:48] Not great

[32:49] Not enough to save the movie

[32:50] It was uncomfortable

[32:51] Which was nice

[32:52] And girls had blood

[32:53] All over their faces

[32:54] I mean I was glad

[32:55] That Wrinkly Face

[32:56] Got hit by a candlestick

[32:58] Yeah no

[32:59] I like that part

[33:01] That was sort of satisfying

[33:01] he didn't die like that would have been better but it was a movie where i was more intrigued by

[33:07] the by the main character's co-worker at the coffee house she works at who looked kind of

[33:12] like one of the cavemen from the geico ads oh speaking of speaking of this movie by the way

[33:16] like for not for key rock that was his name on present caveman lawyer jesus christ for for 99.9

[33:24] percent of this movie it was a ripoff of single white female and then at the very end it turns

[33:29] Into the ripoff of the end of Poltergeist

[33:32] Because Poltergeist ends with them

[33:34] Wheeling the television out of the hotel room

[33:36] Like not again

[33:37] And in this movie

[33:38] They wheel the other bed out of the room

[33:41] Like no more roommates for me

[33:43] Which is really not a decision to make

[33:45] That's how it works in California

[33:46] Yeah the housing office is going to have

[33:49] Now you get a single

[33:50] Sure

[33:52] White female

[33:53] Single white female movie

[33:55] Well, Single White Female was an amazing financial success in its day

[34:00] It did well

[34:01] I feel like Single White Female

[34:03] It was part of this run of movies in the 90s

[34:06] That were somehow controversial

[34:08] Because they involved

[34:09] Murder and sex

[34:11] Basic instinct

[34:13] I'm not sure why that movie was controversial

[34:15] I guess there's an implication

[34:18] That lesbians are violent

[34:19] But Single White Female

[34:20] They killed America's sweetheart

[34:24] Steven Weber in it.

[34:25] That might have been it.

[34:26] But I remember

[34:27] when Single White Female

[34:27] coming out

[34:28] just like this

[34:28] discomfort it caused

[34:31] in people

[34:31] and I don't know

[34:32] quite why.

[34:32] And it added something

[34:34] to the national discourse.

[34:35] Sure.

[34:36] You shouldn't trust

[34:37] Single White Females.

[34:38] Similar to

[34:39] Indecent Proposal

[34:40] it added

[34:41] Single White Female

[34:42] as a reference point

[34:43] for movies like this.

[34:44] Yep.

[34:45] Yeah, but like

[34:46] Indecent Proposal

[34:47] was like

[34:47] this big conversation point

[34:49] when it came out

[34:50] and I don't understand why.

[34:51] I'd totally have sex

[34:52] with Robert Redford

[34:53] for like $100.

[34:54] I don't remember the movie.

[34:57] And you had a problem with Cam Gajandit's wrinkly face?

[35:00] Yeah.

[35:00] You'd have sex with Leatherface, Robert Redford?

[35:03] Yeah, but his is from being really tan,

[35:05] not trying to look cute.

[35:06] That's true, yeah.

[35:07] Unless I'm totally underestimating

[35:09] Robert Redford's trying to look cute

[35:11] and he's actually successful.

[35:12] He's through the rabbit hole.

[35:14] Apparently to be really cute,

[35:16] you have to wrinkle your face up as much as possible.

[35:17] Yeah.

[35:18] That's why the old man in Up was such a sex symbol.

[35:21] Yep.

[35:22] So I do have some letters here in my hand.

[35:25] From prison inmates?

[35:26] Yes.

[35:27] One can only assume.

[35:28] Dear Flophouse, cease and desist from the Flophast House.

[35:33] The first one is from Kelly, last name withheld, and it's simply titled, thank you.

[35:39] Assume the last name is Kapowski.

[35:41] It says, in the past two weeks, I've made my way through the entire backlog of your fine program.

[35:47] As a graduate student, I spent a lot of time in the lab and having an eyeball, an eyeball.

[35:52] An iPod full of flophouse

[35:56] I couldn't afford an iPod

[35:56] So a guy named Paul

[35:57] Just whispers in my ear

[35:59] Snatches of songs

[36:01] Maybe stories he knows

[36:02] Jokes he's heard

[36:03] This guy named Paul

[36:04] Gets transcripts of the flophouse

[36:06] And he reads them to me

[36:07] An iPod full of flophouse

[36:09] Makes staying alone

[36:10] Until well into the night

[36:10] Much easier to bear

[36:12] Kelly asked us

[36:14] Uh guys

[36:14] Uh oh

[36:15] Time for us to do some work

[36:16] Are you ever going to run

[36:17] More vaguely defined contests

[36:19] Designed to let you watch

[36:21] Older movies

[36:21] as a quote prize uh sure why not maybe we throw out contests every week yeah and forget about 37

[36:31] to 98 you wanted to run a contest to uh to encourage roger ebert to put us on the his

[36:38] television program yeah well actually i would if if we could get the listeners of the flop house to

[36:43] write the what's it called now roger ebert presents at the movies or something like that

[36:48] If they could write to them and suggest that in droves and suggest we be on that show instead of the people who are currently on it who are not very good.

[36:55] Because all of us work at a TV show now.

[36:57] Yeah.

[36:58] I'm a writer.

[36:59] Dan's a writer.

[36:59] You're an animal wrangler.

[37:00] We get television.

[37:01] So that would be a big contest though, the Get Us on Roger Ebert's Show contest.

[37:06] And as a prize, you can pick an old movie for us to watch.

[37:11] If you can prove that you've done something to further this aim, then we will put you in the flop house randomizer.

[37:20] Well, you could tweet about it, write to Roger Ebert's Twitter feed.

[37:23] That's how he communicates with human beings about it.

[37:25] Post it on your blog page.

[37:27] Any of those things.

[37:29] Maybe –

[37:29] Send us some proof.

[37:30] Maybe purchase the television rights to Roger Ebert's show and hire us.

[37:33] If you're an eccentric millionaire.

[37:34] Yeah.

[37:35] Or a sensible millionaire.

[37:37] Well, yeah, that's fair.

[37:39] but we don't i'd like an eccentric one then we gotta spend a night in the haunted house we get

[37:44] scared by a ghost but he'd probably have a zeppelin which i would like that'd be pretty

[37:48] great and i'd probably be the first one killed by the ghost so at least i get to see a ghost

[37:53] before i know it of course dan will be the first one killed what i'm yeah you gotta keep me around

[37:57] i am the i'm the quote final girl no no you're not the final girl what who wait you're the guy

[38:03] you're the girl who thinks she's the final girl yeah so you die i you are you're you're the

[38:09] the guy who tries to ruin everybody else's fun so you know what no no no then i'm the nerd who

[38:13] has to learn his courage and unfortunately has to sacrifice his life to find that and stewart i

[38:18] guess is the horned dog who gets killed while masturbating while watching other people having

[38:22] sex yeah yeah no no it's 100 correct i think i think i'm the you know what i would be the boring

[38:28] boyfriend of the final girl who gets killed early on okay i'll give you that sure but uh or for some

[38:34] The reason everybody believes the final girl is Penny, and she fights a dinosaur.

[38:38] And it turns out it was a dinosaur at the end.

[38:39] Wait, it's a ghost dinosaur?

[38:40] Yeah.

[38:41] Think about how many fucking ghost dinosaurs were just wandering the Earth.

[38:44] There's probably a shitload, right?

[38:45] And I apologize for my language.

[38:46] Yes.

[38:47] There were millions of dinosaurs.

[38:49] They're all dead.

[38:50] What are their ghosts doing?

[38:51] Just walking around.

[38:52] Wait, would it be like the dinosaurs that got killed in the movie Jurassic Park, or like older than that?

[38:57] Real dinosaurs.

[38:58] Not fake dinosaurs?

[38:59] Probably not the ghosts of animatronic dinosaurs.

[39:02] Okay.

[39:02] So, Kelly, I hope that answers your question.

[39:04] So that's the contest.

[39:06] Make a ghost dinosaur.

[39:09] No, no.

[39:09] Mink a ghost dinosaur?

[39:11] Okay, here's this.

[39:13] Mink a ghost dinosaur, star of RuneMate.

[39:15] Here's, there are two, so there are two contests.

[39:18] How about this?

[39:18] There's the ongoing publicize the flophouse, spread the word and help us get more listeners.

[39:25] Sure.

[39:25] And the other one is the get us on Roger Ebert show contest.

[39:28] Both of them require you to send us some sort of proof and then we'll put you in the randomizer

[39:32] and uh i don't know when we when when can we do a drawing maybe in uh like two months yeah a couple

[39:39] months let's give people the summer yeah okay so two months so someone's gonna have to someone

[39:46] write in and remind us like four episodes or something like that's sure to find okay you're

[39:52] right a set amount of time is way less defined than our random schedule of when we can get

[39:57] together and do this thing yeah okay or we can do big about it no it's fine be a dick it's cool

[40:03] so the next one uh here the title of this email is near-death experiment

[40:08] i can't talk so like flatliners near-death experience and it's from craig last name

[40:18] withheld and he says i'm gonna guess his last name is daniel like daniel craig but craig daniel

[40:23] backwards yeah i have been listening to the podcast for some time at work now and i've become

[40:29] pretty good at covering my laugh here by going into a fake coughing fit i don't know why i need

[40:33] to cover it up but sure well no one's supposed to laugh at sadcore where he works however

[40:37] where laughing can get you fired today of course like uh like a variant of mumblecore right

[40:44] they're low budget movies where you can't really hear it because and that's why it's sad it's all

[40:50] I still have children dying.

[40:51] Way to bring it down.

[40:54] Sadcore.

[40:55] I brought it down?

[40:56] Yes.

[40:57] Sadcore brought it down.

[40:58] Yeah, not cool, dude.

[40:59] Anyway, he says cool.

[41:00] That's why you're going to get killed pretty early on.

[41:02] However, today did not go smoothly.

[41:04] Flashback nine months.

[41:06] After listening to the original Bratz podcast, well after original release, I went out and purchased the Bratz DVD previously viewed from Blockbuster for $2.99.

[41:16] Uh-oh.

[41:17] I got a pretty strange look from the clerk, being a male shopping alone in my late 20s,

[41:21] that was clearly excited about finding the film in the bargain bin.

[41:24] That night I convinced a few friends to come over to watch the movie,

[41:27] and we were enjoying ourselves immensely.

[41:28] Then disaster struck.

[41:30] The DVD had been occasionally skipping for a few minutes,

[41:32] but it got to a point where it would play no more.

[41:34] We wasted no time, and soon there were three slightly drunk people in their late 20s

[41:39] negotiating a replacement for our scratched disc.

[41:42] We were told that they should have one copy left,

[41:45] but we would have to find it in one of the many bins.

[41:47] We dispersed and began rummaging through massive piles of DVDs

[41:51] until my friend let out a loud cheer,

[41:53] holding the Bratz DVD high above his head in triumph.

[41:56] The most excited anyone's ever been to find the movie Bratz.

[41:59] The three of us have since watched this movie multiple times,

[42:01] and I've insisted that co-workers and superiors borrow the movie and give it a watch.

[42:05] Flash forward to a few hours ago.

[42:07] There I sat listening and staring blankly at a spreadsheet while eating lunch.

[42:12] It was all going well until Stuart mentioned the idea of a spell-casting brat.

[42:15] My body attempted to laugh uproariously while also swallowing a large bite,

[42:21] and the immediate effect was I began choking.

[42:24] Swallowing a large what?

[42:25] A large bite, sorry.

[42:27] A bite.

[42:27] A brat?

[42:28] He was eating a brat.

[42:29] He was eating a brat.

[42:30] Eating a Bratz doll.

[42:31] Everything is Bratz with him now.

[42:32] Listening to Bratz.

[42:33] The secondary effect was that the food that was not blocking my windpipe

[42:37] fell out of my mouth, across my desk, and keyboard.

[42:40] The sounds of my struggle resulted in a small crowd forming outside my office that seemed quite concerned for my safety.

[42:46] It lasted close to 20 seconds before my wheezing and coughing dislodged the contents of my windpipe.

[42:51] Present day, thank you for making my day.

[42:53] So that was the story of a near-death experience.

[42:56] I'm glad he survived.

[42:57] Yeah.

[42:58] I would hate to know that we killed one of our listeners over the movie Brat.

[43:03] Craig Bratsguy Daniel.

[43:07] I love that it was the idea of a spellcasting brat.

[43:09] Well, there's nothing funny about that.

[43:13] I'm deadly serious about my spellcasting brat.

[43:15] It's such a Stuart idea to come up with.

[43:18] Yeah.

[43:18] Using some kind of illusionary magics.

[43:21] Does it have some kind of soul-eating Ebon sword?

[43:24] And like dream blade?

[43:27] Maybe.

[43:27] Like raven's blood?

[43:28] It involves a lot of bratitude levels.

[43:32] Okay, now you've got to roll to figure out your bratitude level.

[43:37] Terminal.

[43:40] Terminal Bratitude levels, huh, Dan?

[43:43] We've never seen them this high before.

[43:44] They're off the Brat charts.

[43:45] Or Brarts.

[43:46] So this is from...

[43:49] So that's two letters down, yeah?

[43:52] Paul Brarts, Maul, and everything.

[43:54] What?

[43:54] Maul Brats.

[43:55] Maul Brats.

[43:56] This is from Lucas' last name with help.

[43:59] Maul Brat.

[44:01] Paul Blart's Maul Brats.

[44:02] Paul Brat's Maul Brat.

[44:06] Words that sound like other words.com, a.k.a. The Flophouse.

[44:09] This is from Lucas, last name withheld.

[44:12] It says, I have a question for all of the floppers.

[44:15] Elliot has mentioned the crew has seen a lot of softcore movies.

[44:18] I don't remember ever mentioning that.

[44:22] Being a young man growing up with a Mr. Movies down the street

[44:25] and USA Network's up all night every weekend,

[44:28] I too have seen a shitload of softcore.

[44:30] My question for you all...

[44:32] I think you mean mumblecore.

[44:33] Or sadcore.

[44:35] Sadcore.

[44:36] What is your favorite softcore movie?

[44:37] I'm looking more from rewatchability and enjoyment levels rather than which turned you on the most

[44:41] because I don't know if I want to hear Stuart talk about how much Nicky Fritz's fake tits got him hard during Fast Lane to Malibu.

[44:49] My pick is Buford's Beach Bunnies starring Tom Hanks' little-known brother Jim Hanks

[44:57] and the epic role of Jeter, the loser son of Buford, who freaks out every time he tries to have sex.

[45:02] And he includes a YouTube link here.

[45:04] I am insulted that you think I do not know what Buford's Beach Bunnies is.

[45:07] Come on.

[45:07] I have a VHS copy of Buford's Beach Bunnies that was given to me by a friend.

[45:11] Too much information.

[45:12] By Buford himself.

[45:13] And it's inscribed, thanks for the help with the Beach Bunnies.

[45:18] Thanks for the mammaries, Buford.

[45:20] Keep on a-wanking, Buford.

[45:21] I think that there's a...

[45:25] Are we answering this question?

[45:26] Well, there's a distinction here that has to be made, first of all.

[45:28] Wait, are we talking about getting turned on again?

[45:30] No, we're not talking about that.

[45:31] He specifically requested not to talk about it.

[45:34] I mean, it's cool.

[45:34] I'm pretty comfortable with myself, I guess.

[45:36] So I think there's a distinction that needs to be made between actual softcore films and TNA comedies, which I think is what he's talking about here.

[45:45] All right, professor.

[45:46] I don't think –

[45:47] Yeah, because, I mean, that's trying to differentiate, like, my favorite, The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[45:53] I thought you were going to say that.

[45:54] With, say, Zalman King's Lake Consequence starring Billy Zane.

[45:59] Or anything even a little more explicit that you might find on your Cinemaxes or your Showtimes.

[46:06] You mean the movies with names that are like Sinful Intrigue and it's like scenes from other movies.

[46:12] Or Breasty Breasterson, Breast Cop.

[46:15] Or any of the ones where it's just a famous movie with the word breast put in the title.

[46:19] But they have those movies that are compilation films where it'll be like a bunch of people sitting around.

[46:25] They'll be like, here's a sexy story I heard.

[46:28] And then it will just cut to a scene from an old cinematic show.

[46:31] And then they'll come back and be like, wow, that was a hot story.

[46:33] It's like, this was just a scene of people having sex.

[46:35] How did they tell that story?

[46:37] There's no context.

[46:38] Yeah, I never know how to take that because like I actually really started thinking about the framing device there.

[46:43] I'm like, so were they there watching this happen?

[46:47] No, they just heard about it.

[46:48] What's interesting about it is they are –

[46:50] It's an oral history, Dan.

[46:52] Those are –

[46:52] And vaginal.

[46:53] Well, you know – you couldn't see that, listeners, but Stuart winked at me after he said that.

[47:00] That's what did it.

[47:02] But here's the thing about those.

[47:04] There's something fascinating about those movies because they're literally stealing scenes from past movies and then giving them a new fake context.

[47:12] And like it will be like my brother told me about this thing that happened with a girl he worked with.

[47:17] And then they'll show a scene from like Nightcap about sexy women who own a bar.

[47:22] and it's like this isn't that's not what happens there yeah and it's there it's too familiar with

[47:27] the original context that's the problem the repurposing does nothing but it's almost like

[47:31] the uh when you see like movie mash-em-ups online where they take right scenes from one movie and

[47:36] make it look like something else is going on like they can only hope to achieve the complete

[47:41] recontextualization that these soft core compilations have yeah but as you know like

[47:47] all right but for for like just like goofy tna comedies you're saying you like the big great

[47:51] Bikini Offboard Adventure.

[47:52] Yeah, with Willie Tolsol.

[47:53] Is that the Native American shaman who always finds that one girl's top?

[47:59] Yeah.

[47:59] I've got a certain fondness for HOTS or H-O-T-S.

[48:02] Sure, yeah.

[48:03] I would probably say, what, like a...

[48:08] HOTS is like if Revenge of the Nerds was just hot chicks, right?

[48:13] Yeah, basically.

[48:14] I'd say probably the Bikini Car Wash Company.

[48:16] Sure, that's a good one.

[48:17] More because of its legacy, which is that other bikini movies have car wash scenes.

[48:21] there's also there's a movie that used to show on usa up all night all time called knockouts

[48:26] about a bunch of sorority sisters who of course all are way older than college students and

[48:32] somehow money gets stolen i don't remember but they have to get their money back so they decide

[48:37] they're gonna make a calendar of them in bikinis and then they don't have the money to pay to print

[48:43] up the calendar so they enter a wrestling match that's lady wrestlers and they win the wrestling

[48:48] match and i always wondered when it was over like because i've seen it i used to see it a couple

[48:52] times like so they're gonna spend the money on the calendars or they just get to put it right

[48:56] back into their tuition like i don't know if they have to skip they can they skip the calendar step

[49:00] now because that seems unnecessary how much money did they get i don't remember so it's rich with

[49:05] incident though it is rich oh yeah it's like an old silent comedy where it's like i thought this

[49:10] was about guys who were at a party like why are they at the top of the empire state building now

[49:15] trying to fly a glider plane uh so oh wait i've got one last letter uh but also i will also say

[49:25] that uh the the thing about the bikini car wash company is that at the end they completely remove

[49:31] all subtext and the characters you just hear a voice off screen go hey let's take some pictures

[49:37] and it's just them posing in bikinis for like 100 minutes i don't know oh i thought you were

[49:41] talking about like at the end of screwballs when you finally get to see that chick's boobs right

[49:45] Sure.

[49:46] I don't remember screwballs that well.

[49:48] That's what you meant by removing subtext, right?

[49:50] Yeah, removing subtext.

[49:52] I mean they just show people's tops, yeah.

[49:54] So this last email is from Tom, last name withheld.

[49:59] And it says, you guys have been doing the podcast for several years now,

[50:03] especially with the added notoriety of your last mystery guest, Wyatt Cenac.

[50:07] I think someone gets a Zagnut bar.

[50:09] It's time for you to expand your operation.

[50:12] Zagnut?

[50:14] That was what he was supposed to get.

[50:15] A sad nut bar.

[50:16] Like sad bar.

[50:17] That was the award for identifying the mystery guest.

[50:20] Oh, I forgot that part.

[50:20] The mystery guest that we identified on the website.

[50:23] And immediately within the podcast.

[50:26] But Tom says, I recommend enlisting a Flophouse intern to help out with some of the backstage duties.

[50:33] As a fairly recent college graduate, I know how hard it is to find work in this job market.

[50:38] I'm sure there are many others like me who are more than willing to work for little to no money to get the experience.

[50:43] Living on the West Coast inhibits me from volunteering to be your podcast lackey,

[50:48] but I'm positive you could find someone in the Brooklyn area willing to invest their time and effort.

[50:52] Flophouse internship responsibilities include feed the Flophouse house cat,

[50:57] pick up fried chicken at Popeye's for Elliot.

[51:00] That would be very convenient.

[51:01] Make beer runs for Stuart.

[51:02] Provide moral support for Dan when Stuart and Elliot turn against him.

[51:06] Impossible.

[51:07] Turn against him?

[51:08] What are you talking about?

[51:10] Dan, what are you doing?

[51:11] You wrote this fucking letter, didn't you?

[51:14] You added that.

[51:15] He added that.

[51:15] I see it written in pencil on there.

[51:17] No one likes Dan enough to want him to have moral support.

[51:19] Keep track of all the vague Flophouse contests.

[51:22] That's a callback.

[51:23] That would be very helpful.

[51:23] Be the scapegoat for any technical problem.

[51:25] It's a callback to the thing we fuck up all the time.

[51:27] So with that said, I hope you consider letting me...

[51:31] You dropped a lot of F-bombs.

[51:31] I apologize.

[51:32] It's okay.

[51:33] You're apologizing for swearing as much as we normally apologize.

[51:37] Yeah.

[51:37] Wait, as much as we normally swear?

[51:40] We need an intern so Dan can understand what he's saying at any given moment.

[51:43] Sorry.

[51:43] Yeah, Flophouse intern.

[51:46] What do you think, guys?

[51:47] I mean, we can – it's – I don't know what the Flophouse intern would do.

[51:51] You're the only person who puts any work into this.

[51:53] I could sit to the side and laugh.

[51:56] I mean, that would be helpful.

[51:57] Is that pro or con?

[52:02] Housecat, I don't understand.

[52:04] Yeah, I know.

[52:04] He already laughed.

[52:05] He just stopped in.

[52:07] He was summoned like Candyman.

[52:08] The intern kid.

[52:09] Candyman.

[52:10] Like Saul Candyman.

[52:12] You're saying the intern could cue the house cat whenever the house cat was needed?

[52:17] Remind me that the Fluff House house cat exists.

[52:19] Your most popular characters.

[52:22] I don't remember much of what I'm supposed to do here.

[52:26] I think we do need an intern, probably.

[52:29] But would they just live in your apartment?

[52:31] That's a good question.

[52:33] Like a butler? Would he be like a toy?

[52:36] Richard Pryor's the toy.

[52:38] Those are two different things.

[52:39] He wasn't a butler?

[52:40] He was not a butler.

[52:41] He was a toy, hence the title of the film.

[52:43] He wasn't a toy butler?

[52:44] No, no.

[52:44] He was a toy person.

[52:45] He was a slave.

[52:46] It was like Toy Story.

[52:47] The subtext of that film was.

[52:48] It was like Toy Story.

[52:50] Wait, what?

[52:52] Toy Story.

[52:53] Wait, what?

[52:53] Toy Story.

[52:55] Oh, okay.

[52:56] Toy Story.

[52:56] I don't know.

[52:58] I mean, until I got this new job, I worked in a closet in my current position.

[53:04] So this intern could live in my coat closet.

[53:07] I mean, that seems like, if anything, you should have learned a lesson.

[53:10] about how much people don't like being in closets.

[53:12] I've only had the desire to pass the misery along to others.

[53:16] You're more evil now, more machine than man.

[53:18] Now that Dan is out of the closet, so to speak.

[53:23] Sure.

[53:23] Good.

[53:25] So, Dan, you would be the one dealing with this person.

[53:29] So do you want an intern?

[53:30] No.

[53:30] All right.

[53:32] Didn't even have to think about it.

[53:33] Yeah.

[53:33] The end.

[53:35] Okay.

[53:35] Well, but we appreciate the idea.

[53:37] Yep.

[53:38] We would pay a stipend of nothing.

[53:40] Sure.

[53:42] So send your resumes to danmccoy at danmccoy.com.

[53:46] 1, 2, 3, Dan McCoy Street.

[53:49] Care of the Flophouse, Flophouse Lane, Flophouse, New Jersey, 0704 Flophouse.

[53:55] All right.

[53:56] So last segment.

[53:58] Be sure to mark your envelopes.

[53:59] Attention internship coordinator.

[54:00] What's the last bit?

[54:00] Do we have another letter?

[54:02] No, we should quickly recommend a movie that we actually liked

[54:07] as opposed to The Roommate, which we did not care for.

[54:10] Stuart, do you have a recommendation you would like to know?

[54:15] Elliot, I know you have one queued up.

[54:18] I do.

[54:18] I would like to recommend the film I Love You, Philip Morris,

[54:20] which I just saw a couple days ago

[54:22] after hearing a lot of good things about it from a lot of people.

[54:24] And you may have heard of it.

[54:27] You probably haven't seen it.

[54:28] It got a very small American release after being delayed for a long time.

[54:32] It was actually the rare American movie that's released overseas

[54:35] before it was released in America.

[54:37] Which is too bad. It's a kind of comedy drama about – based on a true story about a conman slash serial prison escapist played by Jim Carrey in probably his best performance ever, who falls in love with a fellow prison inmate played by Ewan McGregor, who also does a pretty good job.

[54:54] And it seems like the only thing that kept it from being released is that it is very open about the main characters being gay and having a sexual relationship and just not – it's one of those movies where I can't –

[55:07] The character is gay, but that's not really a plot point, and it seems like people are uncomfortable with that at the moment.

[55:12] But it was a good movie, and I would recommend it.

[55:14] I have not had a lot of time to watch movies recently.

[55:20] Get new jobs and stuff.

[55:21] Sure.

[55:22] Just live in large.

[55:23] You know what I'm saying?

[55:24] Yeah.

[55:24] And in charge occasionally.

[55:25] Like Charles.

[55:27] So I'm going to do my normal thing when I haven't had time to see a movie, which is to stare at my DVD shelf.

[55:35] If you want to, you can probably think of one while Stuart Reckon is Castle Freak or Invisible Maniac.

[55:40] Sure, head of the family.

[55:42] Come on, guys.

[55:45] Don't underestimate me.

[55:46] Like a week or so ago was Friday the 13th, so I rewatched Friday the 13th Part 7, my favorite of the Friday the 13th movies.

[55:55] That's the one where Jason –

[55:57] That's after he took Manhattan, right?

[55:58] It's right before.

[55:59] That's the one where Jason has been sunk to the bottom of a lake.

[56:04] Did he take Manhattan before or after the Muppets?

[56:06] Like, who currently has control of Manhattan?

[56:08] The Muppets.

[56:09] Oh, no, they split control.

[56:11] It's a timeshare thing.

[56:11] Yeah.

[56:12] Sorry, go on.

[56:13] It is way better when the Muppets are in control.

[56:15] Jason, it's kind of random.

[56:17] He walks around slowly and kills people when they get too close.

[56:22] But in this movie, he begins...

[56:26] He opens a fashion agency.

[56:27] He wears Prada.

[56:30] He begins life in Crystal Lake, and he is awoken from his eternal slumber by a telekinetic girl who accidentally rises him from the dead when she tries to bring her dead, drowned father back to life.

[56:48] And then he basically spends the rest of the movie battling this telekinetic girl.

[56:53] And then right before he kills her, her zombie dad drags him down to hell.

[56:58] It's pretty awesome.

[56:59] So, spoiler alert, but you should still watch it because it's hilarious.

[57:04] Thanks a lot.

[57:05] Well, I'm going to recommend Part 7.

[57:08] What's the subtitle?

[57:09] I don't remember.

[57:10] Jason Takes Manhattan?

[57:11] No, that's Part 8.

[57:13] From my DVD shelf, I'm going to recommend Talking Heads Stop Making Sense.

[57:19] That's barely even a movie.

[57:21] What do you mean it's barely even a movie?

[57:23] It's the best concert film ever made.

[57:25] It's a concert film.

[57:25] In my opinion, Jonathan Demme, who did Silence of the Lambs, Something Wild, many other great films.

[57:34] And many bad films.

[57:35] Yeah, recently bad films.

[57:39] But before – Silence of the Lambs and earlier, all good films.

[57:44] Did he do the Conspiracy Theory or was that – no, it was Richard Donner, wasn't it?

[57:47] Yeah, it was Richard – he did the terrible charade remake, Truth About Charlie.

[57:51] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[57:53] Yeah.

[57:53] But Stop Making Sense is very good.

[57:55] Stop Making Sense is, as I said, I think the best concert film ever made.

[57:59] Didn't Never Say Never, Justin Bieber film?

[58:03] Yeah, it just came out.

[58:04] Yeah.

[58:04] Probably better because it's newer.

[58:07] I've been corrected.

[58:08] And they don't sing that fantasy song.

[58:12] Sure.

[58:13] So I guess you're right.

[58:14] I rescind my recommendation.

[58:16] No, Dan recommends Stop Making Sense.

[58:17] I have no recommendations for this week.

[58:20] Are you going to crawl back into your hermit crab?

[58:23] I'm going to crawl back into my hermit hole.

[58:25] We really went too far.

[58:28] I'm sorry, Dad.

[58:29] He was so excited at the beginning of the podcast.

[58:31] I really need an intern to take my side on this.

[58:33] Moral support.

[58:34] Yeah, we need an intern.

[58:35] A lot of beer, too, I think.

[58:37] And I could go for more chicken.

[58:39] Let's get Stuart some more beer, Elliot some more chicken,

[58:42] and me some moral support.

[58:43] So I'm going to sign off.

[58:44] My name has been Dan McCoy.

[58:46] Oh, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[58:48] And I am Elliot Kalin, and will continue to be after this is over.

[58:53] Good night, everyone.

[58:53] Living in a box.

[58:56] Slap on your adult diapers.

[59:05] Accidentally catch yourself on a defective slap bracelet.

[59:09] And jump up and down on your LA Lights shoes so the lights in the heel can go on and off.

[59:15] Put your hyper color up to a toaster.

[59:19] Sure, yep.

[59:21] where your

[59:22] British Knight

[59:22] diamond sells

[59:23] go down to

[59:24] Pizza Hut

[59:24] for your

[59:24] Back to the Future

[59:25] 2 solar shades

[59:26] and to cash in

[59:28] all of your

[59:28] booket points

[59:30] speaking of booket

[59:31] I was talking to

[59:31] a girl about how

[59:32] when we were in

[59:34] elementary school

[59:35] you would get like

[59:36] points

[59:37] for reading books

[59:38] that you could apply

[59:39] to getting a

[59:40] personal pan pizza

[59:41] and she was like

[59:42] so I end up

[59:43] eating a lot of pizza

[59:44] because I love to read

[59:45] I'm like that's funny

[59:46] I had to read

[59:47] because I loved

[59:48] eating pizza

[59:51] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode #81 - The Roommate

Transcript

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