The Flop House: Episode #82 - Drive Angry

[0:00] In this episode, we return to the Nicholas Cage well that never runs dry.

[0:04] We discuss Drive Angry.

[0:06] And check us out all this week at slapdashradio.com as one of their featured podcasts.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:41] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:42] I am Elliot Kalin.

[0:44] Yeah, two in a row with all of us here.

[0:46] We did it! We did it!

[0:49] I should stop making a big deal out of it.

[0:50] Yeah, because it's just a normal thing.

[0:52] I mean, we're the hosts of this program, right?

[0:57] Yeah.

[0:57] It's not like when the Yankees play a game that they're like, today, the whole team is here.

[1:04] Like it's supposed to be a big special occasion.

[1:06] The Yankees featuring the Yankees.

[1:08] No fill-in players.

[1:10] Surprise guest, this Broadway show, no understudies.

[1:13] Repeat, no understudies.

[1:15] Yeah, they don't make a big announcement about it.

[1:16] All right.

[1:17] Well, I'm starting a new thing.

[1:19] I guess you're still giddy from your new job.

[1:21] Yeah, well.

[1:22] You got a new job?

[1:23] We went over this last week, Stuart.

[1:26] I'll listen to the tape

[1:29] Labored bit

[1:29] We'll be the judge of this

[1:32] I'll listen to the tape

[1:34] So what are we talking about

[1:36] Where are we going

[1:39] What are we talking about

[1:40] We talked about the fact that I met a man

[1:43] Named Rufio the other day

[1:45] Well that's probably going to be the outtake

[1:47] So there's nothing that's been set up

[1:49] So far in the podcast about that

[1:51] You going to cut that out

[1:52] That's gold dude

[1:54] No it's not

[1:55] let's why don't we why don't we uh pull out the map okay get in the car because we've got some

[2:03] driving to do don't we dan click vroom vroom vroom i was trying to set you up to say the name of the

[2:12] movie we watched instead i don't know what you were doing he's doing some folio decided to

[2:17] Decided to play act

[2:18] Did you just say doing some zounds?

[2:20] Yes

[2:22] Doing some zounds

[2:24] You know, just impressing some wizards and knights

[2:27] You're pronouncing that strange

[2:28] So what movie did we watch, Dan?

[2:33] It was called Drive Angry

[2:35] 3D

[2:36] No, Radar

[2:38] Playing at

[2:41] Nowhere

[2:42] Dan's Television

[2:44] Well, it wasn't 3D, was it?

[2:47] It was originally in 3D

[2:47] Not on dance TV, no

[2:49] Well, all movies are originally in 3D

[2:51] Then they're shot onto 2D celluloid

[2:53] Okay

[2:54] But they all

[2:55] Explain them more

[2:55] Except for animated cartoons

[2:57] They all start

[2:57] Did you say explain them more?

[2:58] I can explain them more, Elliot

[3:03] After this show, what is this thing called love?

[3:08] I want to know

[3:08] But as for now

[3:10] Yes, Drive Angry 3D

[3:12] directed by Patrick Lassier, who directed the 3-D My Bloody Valentine as well.

[3:20] He's really specializing in 3-D.

[3:22] He's specializing in 3-D films with extended full nude scenes of women.

[3:27] I mean, this is not as extended as in My Bloody Valentine.

[3:31] Someday he hopes to make it to the full nude scenes of men in 3-D movies.

[3:35] There's more to 3-D with.

[3:36] Yeah.

[3:40] It's a more exciting 3D experience.

[3:42] I mean, it's a pointier 3D.

[3:44] Yeah.

[3:45] Wait, are we talking about shooting guys naked in 3D?

[3:51] That is what happened in this movie.

[3:52] Okay.

[3:53] More questions than usual from Stuart.

[3:56] Stuart, were you here?

[3:57] I'm angry.

[3:57] Okay.

[3:59] Would you like me to explain what this movie is about?

[4:01] Please do.

[4:02] Drive Angry 3D stars one Nicholas Cageworth.

[4:05] Okay.

[4:05] He is a Flophouse favorite.

[4:07] Flophouse favorite.

[4:09] You'll add a sound effect later, right?

[4:10] Sure.

[4:11] Okay.

[4:11] Flophouse favorite.

[4:13] I have to assume that he starred in more Flophouse movies than anyone else.

[4:18] Oh, yeah.

[4:19] Nick Cage is in the Flophouse Hall of Fame.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:22] And Nick Cage's hair is also in it.

[4:24] Intellectual property, though.

[4:28] Didn't know I had to say that.

[4:30] Come on.

[4:30] It's parody.

[4:31] It's protected by the First Amendment.

[4:32] Okay, that's fine.

[4:33] Yeah, yours is the Flophouse louse cat.

[4:38] He's mad because he's covered in lice.

[4:39] Yeah, I could see why he'd be rowing.

[4:42] Anyhoo, Nicolas Cage is in hell, and he escapes with a muscle car.

[4:49] Yeah, sure.

[4:50] He drives out of hell.

[4:51] Drives out of hell.

[4:52] He's like a bat out of hell.

[4:53] He's like a bat out of hell if by bat it's a man driving a car across a bridge.

[4:58] Yep.

[4:58] Because hell looks like Detroit but red.

[5:00] There's a lot of crumbling industrial landscapes.

[5:04] So he escapes from hell, and it's because – should I just explain?

[5:08] I don't want to –

[5:09] Yeah, sure.

[5:09] Yeah, just explain real quick.

[5:10] He is trying to get revenge on the man who killed his daughter and stole his daughter's baby, Nicolas Cage's grandbaby.

[5:17] I don't know, dude.

[5:19] He can play 25.

[5:20] He doesn't need to have a grandbaby.

[5:22] No, he cannot play 25.

[5:23] Like 26?

[5:24] No, no.

[5:25] I don't think that's –

[5:25] Okay.

[5:26] We'll talk about that later.

[5:27] The guy who did it is a –

[5:28] I mean he's blonde in the movie.

[5:29] Yes, he has frosted tips.

[5:30] The guy who did it is a –

[5:33] He's wearing a leather jacket.

[5:34] The young people wear those.

[5:35] And sunglasses.

[5:35] But he also smokes a cigar, which old people do.

[5:37] True.

[5:38] But he only smoked it while having sex, which young people do.

[5:41] But he had sex fully clothed because he was afraid of showing his belly, which old people do.

[5:45] But he had sex while wearing sunglasses, which only young people do.

[5:48] No, which only Spuds McKenzie does.

[5:50] The original party animal.

[5:52] TNs.

[5:53] Nicholas Cage has to stop the guy who committed these crimes, who is a cult leader,

[5:59] who's kind of like if a Bruce McCullough character from Kids in the Hall was taken seriously.

[6:04] Like he's got a tiny little soul patch goatee and a heavy southern accent,

[6:07] and he carries around a walking stick made out of a femur.

[6:10] Well, I'm glad you took him seriously.

[6:12] He's got like a red silk shirt on.

[6:13] And he wears a red silk shirt, and he's got a pentagram necklace that he's constantly being stabbed with.

[6:17] That's the problem with one of those cool necklaces.

[6:20] Along the way, Nicolas Cage picks up a sidekick in, what's her name, Amber Heard?

[6:24] Amber Heard.

[6:26] Very attractive, young lass, famed Hollywood lesbian, Amber Heard.

[6:32] That's all I know about Amber Heard.

[6:34] Yep, she's right up there with Marlena Dietrich.

[6:36] Yep.

[6:36] Who was bi.

[6:38] Anyway.

[6:39] Thanks for the...

[6:40] That's a little classic Hollywood sex knowledge.

[6:42] Yep.

[6:43] Amber Heard is a waitress at a diner.

[6:46] Sure.

[6:46] Called Fat Lou's.

[6:48] She gets in a fight with her boyfriend, who she catches having sex with another woman.

[6:54] And he is some kind of like southern white trash guy who really doesn't deserve a woman who looks like Amber Heard.

[6:59] He starts hitting her.

[7:01] Nicolas Cage's woman in trouble sense flares up and he comes over and beats up that guy.

[7:06] And they take the boyfriend's car, which has a license plate that says Dr. Vangry.

[7:11] I didn't understand.

[7:12] D-R-V-A-N-G-R-Y, Dr. Vangry.

[7:14] You stole it from a dentist.

[7:16] Anton Vangry?

[7:19] Anton Vangry.

[7:20] With the dentist?

[7:21] Anton Q. Vangry.

[7:23] Anton Vangry, DDS, and they go on a –

[7:26] The car has a bumper sticker that says –

[7:29] It says, I break for pussy.

[7:30] That's when I realized this movie might be trying too hard.

[7:33] OK.

[7:33] They go to track down this cult member, but they're also being followed.

[7:38] Available at Spencer's Gifts.

[7:39] That bumper sticker is?

[7:41] Yeah, and DVD copies of this movie.

[7:44] Not the Blu-ray though.

[7:45] Right next to a t-shirt of an angry bootleg Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.

[7:50] Stuart has a lucrative Spencer's Gifts sponsorship deal.

[7:53] That's why he's mentioned it once in several years.

[7:56] He doesn't want to overplay his hand.

[8:00] They only pay him in pornographic greeting cards for women, so not really eager to get paid.

[8:05] If he gets it up to two mentions, he gets one of those electronic things that shoot out beams to your fingers when you put it on.

[8:15] Yeah, Van de Graaff generators.

[8:16] I believe they're called that.

[8:17] I could be wrong about that.

[8:18] And truck nuts.

[8:20] Yeah.

[8:21] Which were surprisingly absent in a movie called Drive Angry.

[8:24] Yeah, that's true.

[8:26] I'm surprised we didn't see any truck nuts.

[8:27] But we did see –

[8:28] So Drive Angry, no truck nuts.

[8:31] I'm not done with the plot yet.

[8:32] Oh, I thought we were summarizing.

[8:33] Nicolas Cage is also being chased by a man known only as The Accountant.

[8:38] Sure.

[8:38] Played by –

[8:39] Well, William Feichner.

[8:42] Feichner.

[8:43] People who are not familiar with him may know him as the guy in The Dark Knight who at the beginning has a shotgun

[8:49] And tells the Joker that he's going to die

[8:51] Because he's stealing mob money

[8:52] He's the bad guy in Armageddon

[8:55] Armageddon

[8:56] The bad guy in Armageddon is a meteor

[8:58] No, he's the bad guy in Armageddon

[9:00] He's the guy who tries to cause trouble

[9:02] And he dies or something

[9:04] Big forehead, stringy hair

[9:05] He looks kind of like

[9:08] He looks like the robot character

[9:10] From that Jim Henson primetime Muppet show

[9:12] From the 90s

[9:13] He does look like that

[9:14] That's what I think of every time I see him

[9:16] Muppets Tonight

[9:16] Muppets Tonight, that's what it's called.

[9:17] The one that had a Rastafarian baboon and they – I don't think they understood how racist that is, how offensive.

[9:23] Anyway, so the accountant is also chasing Nicolas Cage but not really trying very hard at it.

[9:31] He's almost always on foot and he'll kind of show up where Nicolas Cage is, watch Nicolas Cage escape and then just kind of follow him again.

[9:39] He knows he doesn't need to sweat it too much.

[9:41] I mean he's –

[9:41] I mean he's not at all.

[9:42] He's lazy.

[9:43] He's not doing his job.

[9:44] I don't know if he can sweat either.

[9:46] I mean, I think he's a supernatural creature.

[9:48] That's a very good point.

[9:48] And he lives in hell, so he can't take the heat.

[9:51] Yeah, maybe he just wants to take a—

[9:52] I mean, he's wearing a full suit.

[9:52] Because he lives in hell, he likes to, like, drag his feet a little bit on his job.

[9:56] Oh, it's like he doesn't want to come back home yet?

[9:58] Yeah.

[9:58] Oh, that makes sense.

[9:59] Maybe he's got a wife in hell.

[10:01] I mean, it is hell, you know?

[10:02] But I mean, I'm not married yet.

[10:04] Wow.

[10:05] And I can see the marriage is going to go great.

[10:07] Sure.

[10:07] Stewart's marriage is going to be like a Lockhorn's cartoon.

[10:10] My concepts of marriage is based primarily off of the sitcoms My Wife and Kids and Still Standing.

[10:16] What about Yestir?

[10:17] Yestir a little bit.

[10:18] I would be the guy with the baseball cap.

[10:20] Okay.

[10:21] Isn't that like every guy in the show?

[10:24] No, I thought only one guy has a baseball cap on that show.

[10:26] That's his distinguishing characteristic.

[10:28] So, to go on.

[10:30] Nobody has a baseball cap in this movie.

[10:33] It's just a bunch of characters chasing each other.

[10:35] There's a lot of action.

[10:37] There's a little bit of nudity.

[10:38] There's some really good haircuts.

[10:39] Nicklaus Cage.

[10:41] And potato wigs.

[10:42] For a modern film, there's a fair amount of nudity, I would say, which says more about modern films.

[10:50] Yes, but compared to like Trading Places, there's not an elaborate amount of nudity in this.

[10:54] And in the end, Nicolas Cage gets his revenge and he and the accountant become pals to a certain extent.

[11:01] Yeah.

[11:01] And Amber Heard has a baby foisted on her.

[11:05] Here you go.

[11:07] And then she goes for David Morse.

[11:09] and david morse who is nicholas cage's old-time buddy who runs a demolition service yeah

[11:15] and then what were you saying oh i just you know that's the thing that all young women want is a

[11:21] baby well when they get to that age and nicholas cage also has a gun called the god killer which

[11:27] can it's one of those weapons where it's like once you shoot someone with that they cease to exist

[11:31] in the most 3d fashion possible yeah that the scene where the villain gets shot with the god

[11:37] killer spoiler alert villain loses is it looked the scene looks like intimidating villain outside

[11:43] of a bad boys movie the effects are like something out of like a full moon entertainment movie from

[11:48] like the early 90s they're great in their shoddiness there's a lot of cgi in this a lot

[11:54] of cgi blood cgi bullets cgi glass out of a mirror cgi cars i have expected one of the cars from the

[12:00] movie cars to show up and do a barrel roll over nicholas cage there's a scene where uh the

[12:06] accountant is driving a truck full of hydrogen to break up a roadblock that is stopping nicholas

[12:11] cage from getting to the cult leader this is after the accountant has been working with the

[12:16] police to stop nicholas cage so i don't know what he kind of explains it later why he changed his

[12:20] mind but it really doesn't make sense but none of this is supernatural being ellie we can't fathom

[12:24] the depths of this that's right yeah but nothing in the scene looks real or like it existed even

[12:30] in the same computer as the other things in the scene it's all so computer like somebody was

[12:34] playing like a turbo graphic 16 and then they were also playing a i don't know whatever a current

[12:39] video game system is and somehow you have a current video game system yeah one of those uh xboxes so

[12:46] you merged like somehow you mash it together turbo graphic 16 came to mind immediately but

[12:51] something that is advertised on television every day stewart just got too lazy to finish the thought

[12:55] it's like you know what i'm talking about video games is this a bit someone's virtual boy got

[13:02] mixed up with their links yep their their sega cd and their calico vision 32x and their seat

[13:10] philip cdi playing against the neo geo is this video game talk like i guess this is how the

[13:16] video game has color 32x so yeah i would like to talk about uh what was his name the accountant

[13:23] Who goes around killing people

[13:29] That Nicolas Cage forgot to kill

[13:30] And leads to the death

[13:33] The other thing is

[13:34] At one point these two policemen

[13:36] Team up with the accountant to stop Nicolas Cage

[13:38] And Amber Heard murders them

[13:40] Just shoots them

[13:42] And they are about to shoot Nicolas Cage

[13:43] And throughout the movie they'll make jokes about

[13:46] You're a wanted woman you killed two policemen

[13:48] Oh I guess those police are scared of you

[13:50] You killed two policemen

[13:50] It's not a joke

[13:52] Like they were working with the bad guy

[13:54] But they didn't know he was from hell

[13:56] Yeah they were lied to

[13:57] Like it's never okay for the hero to kill

[14:00] A policeman

[14:01] He kind of cast a charm on them

[14:05] Like a glamour

[14:06] Yeah he cast a glamour on them

[14:07] So yeah it's probably not

[14:10] It's probably not their fault they were shooting

[14:12] At Nicolas Cage

[14:13] Yeah but they're dead now

[14:14] It's like the Death Star exploding and killing people

[14:18] Thanks Kevin Smith

[14:19] I mean, I cribbed a little bit, but I mean.

[14:23] Those people were all in the Imperial Army.

[14:24] Okay.

[14:25] So.

[14:26] Get it.

[14:28] Skip.

[14:29] No, I don't understand.

[14:31] Interrupt.

[14:32] Stop talking.

[14:33] Fickner's motivations from scene to scene.

[14:37] Because as you point out, he's trying to kill Nicolas Cage.

[14:40] And then he swoops in right when the police are expressly going to kill him.

[14:46] Like, the police chief is like, shoot him in the head.

[14:49] And so he swoops in, saves him.

[14:51] Well, here's the thing.

[14:52] There's a scene.

[14:53] It's implied that the accountant doesn't know that these are Satanists who are going to kill a baby.

[14:58] And once – there's a scene where he interrogates a man with hilarious hair.

[15:02] And once he finds out that there are – he talks that the devil doesn't like Satanists.

[15:09] He finds them offensive.

[15:10] So I guess he decides he's going to let Nicolas Cage get revenge on these Satanists and then take him back to hell.

[15:17] But he keeps chasing him and delaying him from getting his revenge.

[15:21] He's really at cross-purposes.

[15:22] Well, here's the other thing that I found kind of confusing about the movie.

[15:26] To quote Walt Whitman, does he contradict himself?

[15:28] Very well, he contradicts himself.

[15:30] He contains multitudes.

[15:31] I paraphrased.

[15:32] Leaves of grass.

[15:34] One of the things I also sort of like find confusing about the movie was initially I thought it was cool that, okay, you have this real devilish character.

[15:47] Like, this real character from hell following Nicolas Cage.

[15:50] Sure.

[15:50] And then...

[15:51] A saint of killers type fellow.

[15:52] Right.

[15:53] Yes, yeah.

[15:54] But Nicolas Cage is trying to track down these Satanists who are, throughout, like, the early part of the movie, like, made out to be, like, sort of buffoons.

[16:01] Like, they're just, like, a cult.

[16:03] Yeah, and then by the end of it, they're buffoons, too.

[16:04] Yeah, but it's, I mean, and it's clear through what William Fichtner says, like, okay, these, you know, like, Satan doesn't like you guys.

[16:12] Like, you have no real...

[16:13] But then, like, at the end, it seemed like they might have some sort of mystical powers.

[16:17] Like, they implied at the end that their ritual was going to do something.

[16:22] I don't know.

[16:23] They left it ambiguous.

[16:24] They were going to kill the baby on the light of a full moon, and that was somehow going to bring hell on Earth and make them all live forever and change the world.

[16:33] Well, and then the guy said, like, I got powers.

[16:35] Like, no, nothing on Earth can kill me.

[16:37] He's like, I'm not from the Earth.

[16:38] Yeah, I think that was just boasting.

[16:40] I guess.

[16:41] Combined with a chance for Nicolas Cage to say something badass before killing the guy in the most CGI way possible.

[16:47] Yeah, I think it was a setup for the line.

[16:49] I just don't think there's any reason to muddy it up because it's so much cooler to have these stupid –

[16:55] These idiot hillbilly cultists?

[16:57] Yeah, who actually have no power and then they get tangled into something that actually involves someone from hell.

[17:04] See, that would be a more interesting movie is like a shitty cult that gets caught up accidentally in a real hell thing and they don't know what to do.

[17:11] And they're in way over their heads.

[17:13] Are we stepping into other podcast territory on how to fix this movie?

[17:16] I'm not saying how to fix it.

[17:19] Okay.

[17:19] I sound kind of like you were.

[17:22] Is that another podcast?

[17:22] How to fix this movie?

[17:24] Yeah, I thought there was another podcast.

[17:26] It's called Fix This Movie.

[17:26] Please.

[17:28] Well, somebody should because it wasn't very good.

[17:30] I mean, spoiler alert for a couple of minutes.

[17:33] Well, this was one that we were holding out hopes that we would like.

[17:37] And I enjoyed parts of it.

[17:39] It's just as it went on, it was clear it didn't have a lot of ideas.

[17:42] You really like the slow motion 3D parts, right?

[17:46] Oh, I love those, yeah.

[17:46] Anything with fake blood that is 3D and CGI and it moves slowly and the camera zooms in on someone's face in a really fake way and then zooms out again.

[17:55] Oh, that's just – oh, I could watch that a million times.

[17:59] That's like Orson Welles plus Alfred Hitchcock times a billion.

[18:02] That's just the best stuff.

[18:04] Sarcasm.

[18:05] It was a pretty great scene when the totally nude waitress was very enthusiastically thrusting on the fully clothed, immobile Nicolas Cage.

[18:16] Immobile Nicolas Cage, fully clothed, wearing sunglasses, smoking a cigar, and holding a bottle of Jack Daniels.

[18:23] And a pistol.

[18:25] They do the having sex during a shootout scene from Shoot Em Up, but Nicolas Cage is so much less interested in the sex than Clive Owen was in Shoot Em Up.

[18:36] And there's way more – and the nudity is so much more graphic.

[18:39] But at the same time, something that comes up is that since Nicolas Cage is dead already, he can't be killed again.

[18:45] He gets shot through the eye.

[18:47] He gets shot in the chest.

[18:48] All over the place.

[18:49] But it means that this poor woman who's as vulnerable as you can be in a shootout, naked and in the throes of passion, so she doesn't have basic motor control at the moment, she is in serious danger.

[19:00] If you were grinding against Nicolas Cage's big rod.

[19:03] Oh, yeah.

[19:04] I would just be uncontrolled.

[19:06] His drive shaft.

[19:06] Yeah.

[19:07] No, that was good.

[19:09] Sure.

[19:09] I agree.

[19:11] She's just a slutty waitress at the Bull by the Balls, which is the bar that she works at.

[19:18] I mean, how often is she going to meet a guy from out of town, let alone out of hell, I guess?

[19:23] That's the other thing.

[19:25] This is the second woman – this is the second waitress in the movie who has hit on Nicolas Cage really hard.

[19:29] Yeah.

[19:30] The first being –

[19:31] Well, he's the ultimate bad boy.

[19:32] That's true.

[19:35] I mean, this movie is probably based on the experiences of the screenwriter.

[19:39] He generally finds when he goes to diners that women throw themselves at him.

[19:44] They just throw them at him and he's busy on his hell quest.

[19:47] It's based on the experience.

[19:49] That's what the movie should have been called, to be honest with you.

[19:51] Well, because, yeah, there's not a lot of angry driving in this.

[19:54] There's calm.

[19:56] Yeah, like Vanishing Point has more angry driving than this.

[19:59] There is, however, a lot of driving because one of my favorite things about the climax is, you know, like there's this big sacrifice going on.

[20:06] There's this helpless tiny baby at the center of the sacrifice, and Nicolas Cage says to William Fichtner, give me my keys.

[20:15] And he has to save the baby through the use of a car.

[20:18] He can't just go down there and, like, start a shootout.

[20:21] He has a shootout with a bunch of cultists while driving around in a car, which, if anything, just impairs him the entire time.

[20:27] I mean, it's not like he needs the protection of the vehicle.

[20:30] Like, he seems to be pretty fine.

[20:32] He's immortal.

[20:32] We've mentioned that at no point was Nicolas Cage actually in any kind of danger.

[20:39] In many ways, at no point was the child in that much danger.

[20:42] I mean at all times this baby that he's trying to save is being held by a female cultist who, when it comes down to it, they kind of address that she was never going to kill the baby.

[20:52] She wouldn't have – like even if the cult leader demanded it, she probably wouldn't have done it.

[20:56] At the last minute, her maternal instincts are kicking in.

[20:58] She's reluctant to give the baby to the cult leader.

[21:00] So, I mean, she's in more ways kind of protecting the baby from Nicolas Cage than anything.

[21:05] From the Hellman that just came out.

[21:07] From the Hellman, reckless driver.

[21:10] Let's see. I'm going to hold the baby because there's a cult leader and a damned soul who are both trying to get it.

[21:15] And the damned soul is driving around and randomly spraying gunfire.

[21:19] Yes.

[21:20] But now Amber Heard is protecting that baby, and she knows how to kick some ass.

[21:24] Yeah, she has a fight with the cult leader on an RV where the RV seems to grow in size in terms of the space inside of it.

[21:32] It's like a TARDIS.

[21:34] Yeah, it's like a TARDIS.

[21:36] unlike the fight dan there's only a certain amount of room inside of a tortoise just enough

[21:41] for the body to pull its legs and its head in it's not like there's a whole house in there

[21:45] it's not like snoopy's dog house i apologize i don't know are we talking about turtles again

[21:50] i knew what dan was talking about he met dr who's tardy shouldn't we save this for the

[21:54] turtle cast doctor come on the doctor who dr vangry dr venkman yes dr peter venkman

[22:02] so yeah it's unlike say the fight scene in in the uh in this in the second kill bill where

[22:09] the fight in the rv which is a fantastic fight it was a fantastic fight and they kind of play up

[22:14] the the cramped confines of an rv this movie they kind of spread them out they make people

[22:19] start flying outside a window flying out of windows and stuff yeah explode when cars run over

[22:24] yeah there's a lot of

[22:27] it's a movie that starts out

[22:29] kind of like purposely going over

[22:32] the top and then as it goes on it's just like

[22:34] ah we don't need to play by the

[22:36] rules anymore we'll just kind of get

[22:38] we'll get loose we'll get silly

[22:39] let's go all the way to cool world with this one

[22:41] like a drive into

[22:46] cool world because I have to say when the movie first

[22:48] started it was trying a little too hard

[22:50] for my taste but it wasn't necessarily bad

[22:52] but there was something about it like

[22:54] it was too high production value that's what you were saying yeah it felt like this is a movie where

[22:59] like there's like a woman is in a fistfight with a nude woman and then her boyfriend starts hitting

[23:05] her and there's all sorts of like a car with a bumper sticker that says i break for pussy and

[23:09] stuff and it's like a movie that has that stuff is less enjoyable when it's shot really well i feel

[23:14] like yeah you feel like people should know better yes i want it i want it to be like a sleazier movie

[23:20] to have a little more honesty to it.

[23:22] Or, I mean, to compare it to, say, for instance, Kill Bill,

[23:26] which has similar elements,

[23:27] we're talking about a movie where the guy who made it

[23:30] is familiar with trash cinema

[23:31] and is going to play up those tropes,

[23:33] whereas this guy probably doesn't have a lot of understanding of it.

[23:37] I don't know if that's true.

[23:38] But at least whatever understanding he has does not show in the film.

[23:42] No, he doesn't put it to work.

[23:42] It's not shot like that.

[23:43] Yeah, and when...

[23:45] Well, this thing with Tarantino is like a special case

[23:47] because that feels like so much of his DNA.

[23:50] but at the same time he's combining it with

[23:52] non-trash movies

[23:54] like he is

[23:56] doing such a mix-em-up

[23:58] that he makes something new out of it

[24:00] whereas here it felt like he was trying very hard

[24:02] to be like

[24:02] it's like a movie girl talk

[24:03] famous mashup artist girl talk

[24:08] you gotta explain it to Elliot

[24:09] I thought you were talking about girl talk

[24:10] talking about Dateline

[24:11] the board game

[24:12] it's not mid to pre-80s

[24:17] hard rock or punk rock

[24:19] Kelly, it's not going to know.

[24:20] I don't understand it.

[24:21] Yeah.

[24:21] If it's not 30s jazz or 80s punk rock, I am not interested.

[24:26] But the – yeah, it was like – it felt like someone trying to do something that they had seen somewhere else but not quite knowing how to do it.

[24:37] It was in some ways like when we watched that Insane Clown Posse movie where they –

[24:43] Big Money Rustlers.

[24:44] Where it felt like they were trying to throw in jokes and stuff and be kind of raunchy, but they just came off as like –

[24:51] Where they were familiar with the idea of jokes.

[24:55] Where they didn't know how to make jokes.

[24:58] This guy was familiar with the idea of sleazy and trashy, but he didn't actually know how to make a sleazy, trashy film.

[25:04] It seems like I've got to make a movie where there's a lot of fire and boobs and people say motherfucker a lot.

[25:10] And like that's – and there's one – and like people are – there's a guy in a suit who says threatening things but in a calm way.

[25:17] Like we got to have all that stuff in there, although he is the best character in the whole movie.

[25:21] Yeah, I mean every time he gets on the screen, you're like, oh, thank god.

[25:24] Something is going to happen.

[25:25] Because he finds something –

[25:26] Even though plot-wise nothing happens.

[25:28] He finds little things to do.

[25:29] Like he finds something interesting in every scene.

[25:31] He has a take on – like this is a character you've seen a thousand times before.

[25:35] Like, oh, this is the functionary from hell who's going to come in and he's a menacing figure in a suit.

[25:42] But he finds like little – like he acts like he is sort of a civil servant and he's a little bored by what he's doing.

[25:50] But then like there's something off and crazy about the way he goes about it.

[25:54] And as the movie goes on, he's getting – you can see he's getting more and more enjoyment out of what he's doing.

[25:59] He's the only character who really has an arc in the movie and it's a very subtle arc.

[26:03] actor who seems to be having fun with being in the movie yeah nicholas cage i don't know why he

[26:06] does movies anymore he seems to hate all of them nicholas cage could easily have hammed this up a

[26:11] little bit more amber heard i don't know i've only seen her in like one other movie and david morris

[26:16] was in it and he's he's seen he's definitely had more fun in other movies yeah he's barely in this

[26:21] though the cult leader has a fair amount of fun i don't know the actor's name he does a lot of soul

[26:26] patch acting i call him joe culty he's got an extravagant accent joe southern yeah he's got

[26:34] like yeah i mean i wouldn't say that's that much of an accent i mean it's extravagant i'm saying i

[26:38] mean but there's a lot of spent a lot on it like it was overpriced i don't understand there's not

[26:43] a bargain like it like it's like you're buying a font yeah i don't get richard starkings he bought

[26:51] the dialogue tapes.

[26:54] They were like an old

[26:55] high audio quality.

[26:57] It was like a gold CD. It was like Rosetta Stone

[27:00] Mobile Fidelity Gold. That is not a bad

[27:02] save. Yeah, sorry. As far as

[27:04] a joke, but you know. Well, a little bit of a stretch.

[27:06] I'll work on it.

[27:06] You know what? Take the next week off.

[27:09] Obviously

[27:12] you strained a joke muscle.

[27:13] Sure. You're benched.

[27:15] I think your funny bone might have been fractured.

[27:21] You're bringing his replacement.

[27:23] Thanks, Child's Jokebook.

[27:25] Yep, Joyce Child's Jokebook.

[27:29] Anyway.

[27:31] So are we tapped out on this?

[27:34] No, I don't know.

[27:35] Well, it was not a – this was – I mean we can go to final judgments I guess.

[27:38] I mean it's tough to make fun of Nicolas Cage because we've had a lot – I mean we've made a lot of jokes.

[27:43] He's like an old friend at this point.

[27:44] Oh, Nick.

[27:46] Yeah, like I feel like he's like part of my family at this point.

[27:49] I wish he would just – he would apply some of that bad lieutenant port of call New Orleans energy to this.

[27:57] I mean I know that when you're making a movie with Werner Herzog, you're going to put a higher level of crazy into it, but I think –

[28:06] He does – he is a little too – especially considering his major villain, the accountant, is deliberately underplaying scenes.

[28:14] Nicolas Cage doesn't help the movie by underplaying so much.

[28:17] All he's doing is putting on like a growly voice and a terrible southern accent.

[28:21] I mean that comes in close.

[28:23] And in a movie like this where it's such like in many ways a tired idea of like a supernatural guy comes from hell to like get revenge.

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:32] He needs to play it up more.

[28:34] Like if you want to watch The Crow, you can watch The fucking Crow to see somebody who doesn't really act much.

[28:40] He doesn't have a fucking face paint.

[28:41] Well, I mean he doesn't act much now because he was killed.

[28:43] Well, no.

[28:44] I mean but like in the movie, he's basically a guy with a face paint.

[28:47] The reason is his career didn't take off after The Crow.

[28:49] Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry to the family of Brandon Lee.

[28:54] Too soon?

[28:55] Too soon.

[28:56] It's like 20 years ago.

[28:58] Yeah, 20 years young.

[29:00] But yeah, it is a –

[29:04] It could have used like a little more –

[29:06] A little more juice.

[29:07] Yeah.

[29:08] Some vim.

[29:08] Some vigor.

[29:09] I know he's got an –

[29:11] Some vinegar.

[29:11] Or piss.

[29:13] Like it's not like Nicolas Cage has been using it all up making knowing.

[29:16] No.

[29:17] Like, even the energy he brought to that movie where he could see a couple seconds in the future, what was that?

[29:22] Next.

[29:22] Like, he had way more energy in that than this one.

[29:25] Well, he believed in that project.

[29:26] He's got more energy in this, though, than he did in Bangkok Dangerous.

[29:29] Bangkok Dangerous, it's like they got the wax statue from Madame Tussauds and, like, just posed it.

[29:36] So it looked like it was moving.

[29:37] I thought most of it, they shot it while he was sleeping.

[29:40] No, you're thinking of the movie while you were sleeping.

[29:44] Bangkok Dangerous is the kind of movie where you're like, did Nicolas Cage die on the first day of filming and they just put sunglasses on him and moved him with wires like Bernie?

[29:52] Bernie.

[29:54] From Weekendette.

[29:55] Oh.

[29:56] Bernie's comma Weekendette.

[29:58] That's how I file it.

[30:01] I don't follow.

[30:01] That's how I file it in my movie system.

[30:03] Your Blu-ray collection.

[30:05] Because Bernie's comma Weekendette, Bernie's 2 comma Weekendette, and then Bird's comma the.

[30:11] Well, that one's accurate.

[30:13] That's how a normal person would follow that one.

[30:15] Bistro, comma, bikini.

[30:17] Okay, that one, again, is crazy.

[30:20] I mean, they're both B words, B-I words.

[30:22] It's alphabetical.

[30:23] So it doesn't...

[30:24] It's alphabetical.

[30:24] Bikini, comma, the great bikini...

[30:26] Oh, wait.

[30:26] No, I fucked it up.

[30:27] Adventure, comma, the great bikini off-road.

[30:30] Oh, no way.

[30:31] We need complex jokes.

[30:32] Instincts, comma, animal.

[30:40] That's the best way to bring some life into old crappy movie titles.

[30:45] Oh, we'll do more of this later.

[30:48] Yeah, tar, comma, ish.

[30:50] So it's a movie that could have used a little more real sleaze and it could have used a little more energy.

[30:57] These movies are always helped by energy and frankly helped by like if there have been – I mean this is a – I feel like this is something we hit a lot.

[31:05] if there were practical special effects as opposed to computer special effects even if they looked

[31:09] crappy it would have been more fun than all these computer effects you know yeah okay well uh i mean

[31:17] we can we can sort of zip through final judgments because i think we've already said it final

[31:21] judgments this is a good good good bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie you kind of liked

[31:25] elliot i will say this is a movie i kind of liked okay like i wasn't totally satisfied by it but

[31:31] But there was enough in it that it wasn't like one of the movies we've watched where I've been like, oh, god, when will this end?

[31:38] This wasn't Seven Pounds.

[31:40] I'd actually go with that too.

[31:41] I mean it really dragged in the middle.

[31:44] It dragged angry.

[31:46] There were heart-to-heart conversations between Nicolas Cage and Amber Heard and Amber Heard and David Morris and David Morris and Nicolas Cage just did not need to be in this sort of movie.

[31:57] We forgot that we're not supposed to care that much.

[32:00] But it was a movie with a bunch of muscle cars and William Fichtner and devil worshippers and naked ladies, so I kind of liked it.

[32:08] So all of Dan's favorite things.

[32:09] Yeah, it felt like there were scenes where Amber Heard's character is like, I either have to say, what next?

[32:14] And then make like a wry smile or be like, have you been lying to me this whole time?

[32:19] Are you really not out of prison?

[32:21] No, he's a devil man.

[32:22] We all know that.

[32:23] There was a lot – for a movie that has such a simple plot.

[32:26] He's a devil man.

[32:27] There was a lot of scenes where the characters went out of their way not to say what the plot was.

[32:31] He's a devil man.

[32:32] Devilman 8MD.

[32:33] Dr. Vangry and Devilman MD, they share an office.

[32:37] Burner and Devilman.

[32:40] No, but I'll agree with you guys.

[32:41] This is, I would rank this between, right around where Next is, but better than Ghost Rider.

[32:51] Okay.

[32:52] In the Nicolas Cage movies, you're saying?

[32:55] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[32:56] I mean all movies in the cagetorium.

[32:59] Is that where he lives?

[33:02] That's what we do, Dan.

[33:03] There's like a little bit of grass to simulate a natural environment like a hot rock to warm himself on in the cagetorium?

[33:09] It's a terrarium type thing.

[33:10] Cagerarium.

[33:11] Cagerarium, sure.

[33:12] The cage cage.

[33:13] Nice.

[33:15] It's because his name is Cage and it's the same thing you put an animal in.

[33:19] Yep.

[33:20] You unraveled that mystery.

[33:23] Solved that riddle.

[33:26] I'll have to give you my magic ring now.

[33:28] Where'd you park your squad car, Dick Tracy?

[33:30] Now all I need is an amulet and I'm good to go.

[33:33] So this is the part of the show where we talk about letters that we have received.

[33:41] All right.

[33:42] That was a slow buildup.

[33:43] This first letter is from Eric, last name withheld.

[33:50] Yeah.

[33:51] And it says...

[33:53] Elliot, what are you doing over there?

[33:56] Wow.

[33:56] You ruined the...

[33:59] We can edit this part out.

[34:00] I was getting my list of movies I've seen recently

[34:02] so I can look up what I'm going to recommend later.

[34:03] Okay.

[34:04] So this is from Eric, last name withheld.

[34:06] And it says,

[34:08] Thought I'd just drop a line that you do a good show.

[34:10] I'm Eric with We Hate Movies,

[34:11] which is another NYC-based comedy bad movie podcast.

[34:15] Woo!

[34:15] Awesome about the live event.

[34:17] We're going to try...

[34:20] We're also going to try and do a live event.

[34:23] Great selection too.

[34:24] My favorite Barbarian Brothers movie,

[34:26] Think big.

[34:26] Wrong.

[34:27] Your favorite is Twin Sitters.

[34:28] So there's your free plug.

[34:34] We hate movies.

[34:35] Look them up online.

[34:36] But I mainly read this letter just so we could segue into our own plug, which is for the live Flophouse event.

[34:43] Live Flophouse.

[34:43] June 30th, Thursday.

[34:45] Twin Sitters.

[34:46] Twin Sitters, live.

[34:48] I mean, we'll be live.

[34:49] Twin Sitters is the movie.

[34:50] You're dead.

[34:51] Try Becca.

[34:52] Becca.

[34:54] 200 Hudson Street, Manhattan, New York, California.

[34:57] Do you want to hear us ruin a movie by talking over it?

[35:02] Meet our wives.

[35:03] Hear how much they dislike the things we do.

[35:05] And look at us irritated while we ask them questions.

[35:09] Also featuring Senya Yaroche and Matt Carman of I Love Bad Movies, The Zine.

[35:14] Go to www.flophousepodcast.com for more info.

[35:19] Man, we did some great voices just then.

[35:23] Or you can also go to 92ytribeca.org and in their film section, they should have it.

[35:27] Or go to Elliot's Facebook page.

[35:29] I don't think it's listed there.

[35:31] Dan's Facebook page.

[35:32] I think the last time I updated my Facebook page was to change my status from single to married.

[35:41] Look at all the posts on Elliot's wall, none of which are from Elliot.

[35:44] None of which I've ever seen.

[35:45] Facebook's for losers.

[35:48] Click ignore.

[35:50] So, this next email is from Carrie, last name withheld, and it is titled...

[35:56] I'm going to assume it's Carrie Strug, Olympic athlete.

[35:58] Yeah.

[35:59] It's titled, Beverage Credits.

[36:00] Carrie Fisher.

[36:01] Carrie Fisher.

[36:03] Beverage Credits?

[36:05] Beverage Credits.

[36:06] One of my favorite aspects of the Flophouse is the subtle audio cues of inebriation.

[36:10] Ice cubes clinking, occasional sipping noises, urination references, slurred speech, etc.

[36:17] It would greatly enhance my enjoyment of the podcast if there was a beverage roll call at the end of each episode, preferably with a blood alcohol level posted.

[36:25] So, well, we got to – I mean –

[36:28] I think you'd be disappointed.

[36:29] Elliot is nearly teetotal, so he –

[36:31] I just drink water during the podcast.

[36:33] With a little bit of juniper juice or maybe mint leaves.

[36:37] But I've been doing reds and yellows all day.

[36:39] Stuart has a reputation as the heaviest drinker on the Flophouse, but I don't think that's been true for a while.

[36:45] No, I've kind of fallen off.

[36:47] You've cut back.

[36:47] Yeah, I've cut back.

[36:48] For health reasons.

[36:49] I brought it back.

[36:50] Yeah, you brought it back with a vengeance.

[36:51] Yep.

[36:52] Tonight, what would the beverage roll call be?

[36:55] I think I had four bottles of Coors Light.

[36:58] Yeah.

[36:58] And when I was more depressed, I probably drank the heaviest of the three of us.

[37:06] Sure, now I'm sad.

[37:07] Now that I need to have my wits about me in the mornings, I've had two beers.

[37:14] one during the movie, and one during the podcast.

[37:16] And what were those beers?

[37:17] They were a Longhammer IPA.

[37:20] Was that so public offering?

[37:22] Longhammer IPO?

[37:23] Yes.

[37:24] So that's what we were drinking.

[37:28] Huzzah!

[37:29] Wow.

[37:31] All your questions have been answered.

[37:33] Stuart got really bored with that.

[37:35] Yep.

[37:37] That's what happens when you have a couple of beers

[37:40] and only eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner.

[37:44] So what an alcoholic child would have.

[37:47] So this letter is.

[37:53] That's what I'm going to have engraved on my tombstone.

[37:56] An alcoholic child.

[37:57] Either that or pepperoni and cheese.

[37:59] I thought I was going to say Stuart Wellington.

[38:09] Wait, what?

[38:10] Is this a bit?

[38:15] That'd be a great epitaph, actually.

[38:18] This one is from Sarah, last name withheld, and it says...

[38:22] Probably your wife.

[38:23] Missing cat, question mark?

[38:25] Dan, it's your wife.

[38:26] Is our cat missing?

[38:27] Love your wife.

[38:31] P.S. I don't love you.

[38:32] P.S. Stop doing that stupid podcast.

[38:34] P.S. I don't love you is the sequel to the original?

[38:36] The sequel to P.S. I love you.

[38:38] She says, I just started listening to The Flophouse and quickly fell in love with it.

[38:43] You should probably find a human man to be in love with.

[38:46] No, stick with the podcast.

[38:48] Podcast will never leave you.

[38:51] We're inside your head.

[38:55] My job is incredibly boring.

[39:03] The Flophouse is the one thing that has been keeping me from attempting a lobotomy on myself.

[39:07] However, I feel that I should mention that I've noticed lately

[39:13] A loosening of the trying

[39:16] Not as much trying

[39:18] I've noticed lately that you fellows are slipping

[39:21] In the area of trying hard

[39:24] She's noticed that the Flophouse house cat

[39:27] Has been largely absent as of late

[39:30] I took it upon myself to report this to the ASPCA

[39:33] As I'm afraid some tragedy has befallen him

[39:35] Or her, why not

[39:36] I informed them that

[39:37] Oh no, he's a man, alright

[39:39] That should the Flophouse house cat

[39:41] and make an appearance on the podcast by July 31st,

[39:43] I will know that nothing fouls afoot, and I'll call him off.

[39:45] Yeah, I thought I heard him a little bit ago.

[39:48] Yeah, he stopped by earlier in the episode, I believe.

[39:49] Then he fucked off.

[39:50] Although we could have a contest, where is the Flophouse house cat?

[39:53] Sure.

[39:53] Yeah, it was like when I went to go see...

[39:56] Well, nobody's joined the other contest, so...

[39:59] It was like when I was a little kid, and I went to go see Sesame Street Live,

[40:02] and Big Bird just fucked off and, like, disappeared.

[40:04] Yeah, it really bothered me when I was a kid.

[40:07] I left the theater.

[40:07] Okay.

[40:09] You stormed out and panned it in your theater column in the Children's Review.

[40:14] In your newspaper that you would sell for a nickel to all your neighbors.

[40:20] A nickel?

[40:21] Can you tell me how to get away from Sesame Street?

[40:25] By Lil Stuart Wellington.

[40:28] Lil Stewie Wellington.

[40:31] She also asked, though, as a cat lover, I must ask exactly what kind of cat he she is.

[40:38] As his hurl-yowl sounds strange to me, I envision a patchy-furred, peg-legged creature with a patch over one eye.

[40:45] Like an Apache?

[40:46] Is it kind of an Indian?

[40:48] An Apache pirate cat.

[40:49] Yeah.

[40:49] So basically Calico Jack.

[40:51] What?

[40:52] Somehow I feel this might be off-mark, but let me know.

[40:56] I don't know.

[40:57] That's pretty accurate.

[40:59] I always imagined he had a beer in his hand, backwards baseball cap, skateboard, sunglasses.

[41:04] Yeah, and he wears fucking Converse All-Stars with the toes fucking ripped out.

[41:08] Yeah, the tongues are all crazy.

[41:09] So his balls can stick out, yeah.

[41:10] Yeah, he's basically a real-life riffraff in the Junkyard Gang.

[41:15] The patchy fur, though, is correct.

[41:17] Yeah, I mean, it's...

[41:18] Oh, yeah, it's fallen out over the years.

[41:19] Well, the thing is...

[41:20] There's a lot of scrapping.

[41:21] And it's also, it's nerves.

[41:22] Like, he's nervous.

[41:23] He really cares a lot about what his fans think.

[41:26] Yeah.

[41:26] And that shows...

[41:27] Also, years of partying.

[41:28] Yeah, and years of partying, clearly.

[41:30] Yeah.

[41:30] Mange.

[41:33] So if anyone would like to show us what they think the Flophouse house cat looks like, contest.

[41:38] You can draw a picture or I'll just show you – I'll actually put a Photoshopped picture because he has this contract where we're not allowed to actually show his actual image.

[41:47] Yeah, he's like Thomas Pynchon.

[41:49] Yes.

[41:50] Whoever that person is.

[41:52] It's like J.D. Salad Bar, the famous reclusive author slash family restaurant.

[41:58] That was from Mad Magazine's literary offshoot.

[42:03] Dad magazine

[42:10] Dan magazine

[42:12] Dan magazine

[42:13] So

[42:14] Oh the 2011 sighs are here

[42:16] This one is

[42:18] Sighing

[42:19] No I got not sighs

[42:21] Not like the sighs

[42:22] I realized there was

[42:22] Words that sounded the same

[42:24] Words that sound like

[42:25] Other words if you will

[42:26] Well

[42:27] This plays into the next

[42:30] Next letter

[42:32] This is from John

[42:32] Last name with hell

[42:33] And I'll read the postscript

[42:35] I'm going to read the postscript first

[42:38] Because it's a good transition

[42:39] John says

[42:41] P.S. Remind Elliot that the correct alternate URL

[42:43] For the website is

[42:44] Words sound like each other dot com

[42:46] Not words that sound the same

[42:49] Or any less funny variant

[42:50] The actual URL ridicules what certain floppers

[42:53] Seem to consider a profound comedic realization

[42:55] I shouldn't have to explain this to Elliot

[42:58] Professional comedy writer Kalen

[43:00] If I can remember that he's got two T's

[43:02] At the end of his first name

[43:03] And the best he can do is remember the joke URL for his own website.

[43:06] You're apparently the only person in the world who remembers I have two T's at the end of my first name.

[43:09] Yeah, do you want to call out your buddy, your famous author buddy?

[43:12] No, I won't.

[43:13] Let's hear the rest of the letter by Dr. Batitude over here.

[43:16] So sassy, man.

[43:19] What do you have to say?

[43:20] The guy who can't talk back?

[43:21] What Dr. Batitude has to say is...

[43:25] I wonder if he and Vangry know each other, see each other at conventions and conferences.

[43:29] He says, I knew it would happen, but I didn't think it would happen so fast.

[43:33] Dan's new job has changed him.

[43:34] The first clue was when Dan cheerfully endured almost seven minutes,

[43:38] seven pounds, of intentional derailment from his co-hosts

[43:42] at the start of the show with nary a mournful sigh and without getting angry once.

[43:46] Then, during final judgment, Dan was so high on life

[43:50] that he couldn't even bring himself to issue an unequivocal bad, bad movie verdict for the roommate.

[43:54] Finally, there was Dan's clever segue at 33-12 during the discussion of the roommate,

[44:02] which begins, and I quote,

[44:03] Oh, speaking of this movie, by the way,

[44:07] we Flophouse audience don't ask for much from our Dans.

[44:11] A few mournful sighs, a bit of ennui with an undercurrent of bitterness,

[44:14] and some simple hosting and recording functions.

[44:17] But this new Dan, now employed by a major national television program,

[44:20] seems almost cheerful.

[44:21] Worse, he has apparently lost the ability to execute

[44:24] even the most rudimentary podcast hosting maneuvers.

[44:27] Like introducing the podcast?

[44:28] Or remembering the name of the movie?

[44:30] Rather just saying vroom vroom.

[44:32] Like a child

[44:35] Please bring back the old man

[44:37] No, a child would have done it slightly better

[44:38] To be honest with you

[44:40] Please bring back the old man

[44:41] Call a spade a spade

[44:42] Or at least find some way

[44:43] To tamp his spirit back down

[44:45] To pre-The Daily Show levels

[44:47] Well

[44:47] I'm sure it'll happen in time

[44:50] So the sass level from that letter is

[44:52] Oh, off the charts

[44:54] Off the charts

[44:55] Sure

[44:55] My EKG meter just read a million sass points

[44:59] What are those points in

[45:01] Bratitude spellcasting

[45:03] Points

[45:04] Two and a half

[45:06] What about wormy boners

[45:07] It's ten wormy boners

[45:10] These ranking systems

[45:13] It's like the formula

[45:15] To compare the rankings

[45:18] It's so elaborate

[45:19] I don't know how you can do it in your head so quickly

[45:21] You're like a

[45:24] Beautiful mind level genius

[45:25] I am

[45:26] I'm a beautiful wormy boner

[45:28] The original title

[45:30] Eva Goldsman

[45:33] Original title

[45:34] Beautiful Mind

[45:35] Ten Wormy Boaters

[45:37] So that letter writer makes a lot of good points though

[45:42] Which is Dan I think you should sacrifice your own personal happiness

[45:44] For the sake of this podcast

[45:46] This unpaid podcast

[45:48] That has never reached mainstream popularity

[45:53] Hey that's not our fault

[45:54] Yes it is I guess

[45:55] But what you're trying to say is that Dan's employment

[45:57] Is directly related to his happiness

[45:59] I think that's crazy

[46:00] I think we can find other ways

[46:02] I think there's a happiness bubble

[46:05] That's inflated and I think it's going to burst at some point

[46:08] I mean we can focus on our relationship with Dan

[46:11] That's true

[46:12] Like take him out to the park

[46:14] Run him around

[46:15] We're really going to take him to the vet

[46:17] But we'll take him to the park

[46:18] Yeah Dan you want to go to the park

[46:20] Maybe take him to a farm

[46:21] This is supposed to make me sadder

[46:24] Hey, Vroom Vroom, you said that earlier.

[46:25] It'll be sad when you find out you're actually going to the vet.

[46:27] Okay.

[46:28] That was a callback, Elliot, just at the Vroom Vroom thing.

[46:31] Back comic call.

[46:32] You like comic stuff.

[46:34] My new nickname, Dan Vroom Vroom McCoy.

[46:37] I like that.

[46:39] Yeah, like a tech-savvy character.

[46:41] Yep.

[46:42] Well, I mean, you know, as soon as Elliot and my relationship dissolves.

[46:48] From overseeing each other.

[46:50] Sharing too much stuff.

[46:53] Not an office space, but down the hall office.

[46:55] Yeah.

[46:55] You know, this podcast will get more contentious.

[46:59] There'll be more sighing.

[47:00] Eventually I'll force you out, though I'll still make you record the podcast.

[47:03] Sure.

[47:04] When I bring in our new co-host, who's your enemy?

[47:07] Let's just say Carrot Top.

[47:11] Carrot Top!

[47:12] Okay.

[47:14] I think that's a cheap joke.

[47:15] You could have gone with, I don't know, Harlan Williams?

[47:18] French Stewart?

[47:20] French Stewart.

[47:21] You know, I think French Stewart would – I mean, that's a pretty good damn like a look.

[47:25] Let's try him.

[47:26] And then we get – it's too close to Stuart Wellington, French Stewart.

[47:29] That's true.

[47:29] You confuse people.

[47:30] People get confused.

[47:30] Yeah.

[47:31] French Stuart Wellington.

[47:31] Well, then we get the French Stuart Wellington in here, yeah.

[47:33] Wellington.

[47:36] Stuart Wellington.

[47:38] Yeah, not funny.

[47:43] Wait, what?

[47:44] Wait, what?

[47:46] I'm a little uncomfortable with this.

[47:50] Let's see how you say Wilmie Bonaire's Le Chat du Chalet.

[47:55] I'm going to just move on.

[47:56] No, that's hilarious, guys.

[47:59] Let's just keep going.

[48:00] I will have a course like.

[48:03] It would be like course in that case.

[48:07] Oh.

[48:07] Come on, dude.

[48:08] I don't speak French.

[48:09] Come on.

[48:10] Yeah.

[48:10] Come on, guys.

[48:11] Okay.

[48:12] Well, you got to pick on me tonight.

[48:14] Let's do movie recommendations and then get off this crazy train.

[48:19] Yeah.

[48:19] This crazy podcast train is driving so angry.

[48:24] Yeah.

[48:25] What are you going to recommend, Dan?

[48:26] Oh, okay.

[48:27] I saw a lot of movies this last weekend.

[48:30] I'll single out two quickly.

[48:33] The aforementioned Ksenia Yarosh recommended a movie called Make Out with Violence on Matt Bird's blog.

[48:45] CockadeCaravan.blogspot.com.

[48:49] And I watched it, and I enjoyed it.

[48:52] It's sort of like a Wes Anderson meets Terrence Malick film, but with a zombie in it.

[48:59] And that was a delight, and it also had a good soundtrack.

[49:04] I ordered the soundtrack, actually, after seeing it.

[49:07] And I also, for the first time, saw the movie The Edge.

[49:10] Oh, with the bear.

[49:12] Yeah.

[49:13] That's a good movie.

[49:13] Which I enjoyed, like, on one level, just as, like, a regular action movie.

[49:17] And then on another level, just thinking how ridiculous it was that David Mamet wrote a movie about Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hawkman fighting a bear.

[49:24] And so it's good fun.

[49:27] It's on Netflix.

[49:27] Watch instantly now.

[49:28] Still it?

[49:30] Oh, me?

[49:31] I can go if you want.

[49:32] You can go.

[49:33] I'll go last.

[49:33] I didn't see anything recently that I really loved.

[49:36] I did see Cave of Forgotten Dreams the other night, and I enjoyed that.

[49:41] But it loses points for repetition and an unnecessary epilogue about albino alligators, which has nothing to do with the cave.

[49:49] Sounds like it should add points.

[49:51] Actually, it does add points a little bit.

[49:53] But actually, you know what?

[49:56] I'll recommend that movie.

[49:57] Cave of Forgotten Dreams.

[49:58] We're in a Herzog documentary about the oldest cave paintings in the world.

[50:02] A better 3D movie than Dread Angry 3D, would you say?

[50:06] I actually didn't get to see it in 3D.

[50:07] Oh, wow.

[50:08] But it was a very interesting movie, and the cave paintings are amazing.

[50:11] How is Nicolas Cage in it?

[50:13] In the role of not in the movie, he does very well.

[50:17] Sure.

[50:18] And it's a fun – it's a good Werner Herzog movie, but it's a little slow at times.

[50:22] But one of the things that's fun about it is how goofy the scientists are who are studying this cave.

[50:27] They're all kind of weirdos.

[50:29] And then at the end, Werner Herzog – it's almost like Herzog was like, I don't know.

[50:33] I haven't really been enough myself this movie.

[50:36] So he does an epilogue all about albino alligators.

[50:38] where are we, the albino alligators, looking into the abyss?

[50:42] And it doesn't really make any sense, but it's a fun moment.

[50:46] But I enjoyed that movie. I did like it.

[50:47] So I got two recommendations tonight, guys.

[50:50] The first one is a movie called Castle Freak.

[50:54] Let me guess the other one.

[50:56] Does it have an invisible maniac in it?

[50:58] No. First off, Castle Freak, go watch it.

[51:02] It's got a...

[51:03] How many times have you recommended Castle Freak?

[51:06] It's got a Castle Freak in it.

[51:08] well freak it's about a family inherits a castle guess what guess what that castle has inside it

[51:15] dan a freak how'd you guess it's in the title i know it's great a dude rips off his own ding dong

[51:23] it's awesome uh the second movie i like

[51:28] Stuart looks more in a movie

[51:33] Stuart somehow

[51:35] just defines something new to say about

[51:37] Castle Creek over and over again

[51:39] oh man

[51:42] so the second movie

[51:43] I'd like to recommend is

[51:44] a movie called Killer Clowns from Outer Space

[51:47] no

[51:48] it is a

[51:50] I can't veto your recommendations I guess

[51:52] it is a movie where

[51:54] these aliens

[51:57] who look like clowns

[51:58] come and murder people.

[51:58] The Chiodo brothers.

[52:00] Yep, Chiodo brothers.

[52:01] Does anyone rip their ding-dongs off?

[52:02] Nobody rips off any ding-dongs.

[52:06] But there are killer clowns in it.

[52:08] And they spell clowns with a K.

[52:10] Space combat killer clowns from outer.

[52:12] Yeah, it's like Mortal Kombat.

[52:13] I'm going to recommend the movie

[52:17] Gun Crazy to balance out

[52:18] those two recommendations,

[52:19] which is a very good crime movie

[52:21] from the 40s.

[52:22] Yeah, that is a very good movie.

[52:24] It's really good,

[52:25] about a doomed relationship.

[52:26] Bonnie and Clyde owes a lot to it.

[52:28] There are no killer clowns, and no one's ding-dong is ripped off.

[52:31] But Gun Crazy is one I'll recommend.

[52:34] And Castle Freak.

[52:36] Hi, guys.

[52:38] I feel like we have to do a Flophouse about Castle Freak some one of these days.

[52:41] Well, I would love to give it another view.

[52:43] I think we should sign off so we can turn the air conditioner back on.

[52:49] If you freak one castle this summer.

[52:52] Castle Freak 3D, starring Keanu Reeves and Jeffrey Cobes.

[52:57] Which is the castle, which is the freak?

[53:01] It'll be awesome.

[53:03] So, what are we talking about now?

[53:04] I'm saying goodnight.

[53:05] Okay.

[53:06] For the Flophouse, goodnight.

[53:07] I've been Dan McCoy.

[53:08] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[53:10] I'll check tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I'll still be Elliot Kalin.

[53:13] See you later, buddies.

[53:22] For a while.

[53:28] I don't care, man.

[53:28] I'll just talk.

[53:29] Let's talk for a while now.

[53:30] We'll remember it.

[53:31] Okay.

[53:31] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[53:32] Good stuff.

[53:34] Good stuff.

[53:34] Funny stuff.

[53:35] Jokes.

[53:35] Joke-em-ups.

[53:36] Laugh-olympics.

[53:38] Laugh-olympics.

[53:39] Analympics.

[53:41] So once again, I need to point out.

[53:42] Wacky racers.

[53:42] I met a grown man.

[53:44] I met a human being named Rufio, and I don't think it was the character from the movie.

[53:49] It wasn't the character from the movie because he's dead.

The Flop House: Episode #82 - Drive Angry

Transcript

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