The Flop House: Episode #82 - Drive Angry

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we return to the Nicholas Cage well that never runs dry.

[0:04] We discuss Drive Angry.

[0:07] And check us out all this week at slapdashradio.com as one of their featured podcasts.

[0:30] We'll see you next time.

[1:00] We'll see you next time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31] We'll be the judge of this.

[1:32] Yaggity yak.

[1:33] I'll listen to the tape later.

[1:34] Okay.

[1:35] So what are we talking about today?

[1:37] What did we talk about today?

[1:39] Where are we going?

[1:39] What are we talking about?

[1:41] Yeah.

[1:41] We talked about the fact that I met a man named Rufio the other day.

Dan McCoy

[1:45] Well, that's probably going to be the outtake.

[1:47] So there's nothing that's been set up so far on the podcast about that.

[1:51] I'll tell you what.

[1:51] You're going to cut that out?

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] That's gold, dude.

[1:54] No, it's not.

[1:57] Why don't we pull out the map and get in the car because we've got some driving to do,

[2:04] don't we, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[2:05] Click.

[2:05] Vroom.

[2:06] Vroom.

[2:08] Vroom.

[2:09] Eh?

[2:09] I was trying to set you up to say the name of the movie we watched.

Elliott Kalan

[2:13] Instead, I don't know what you were doing.

[2:15] He was doing some Foley artists.

Stuart Wellington

[2:16] Decided to play act.

[2:19] Did you just say doing some zounds?

Elliott Kalan

[2:22] Yes.

[2:23] Doing some zounds.

[2:24] You know, just impressing some wizards and knights.

[2:27] You're pronouncing that strange.

[2:31] So what movie did we watch, Dan?

[2:33] It was called Drive Angry.

[2:35] 3-D.

[2:37] No.

[2:37] Radar.

[2:40] Playing at?

[2:41] Nowhere.

[2:43] Dan's television.

[2:45] Well, it wasn't 3-D, was it?

[2:47] It was originally in 3-D.

[2:48] Not on Dan's TV, no.

[2:49] Well, all movies are originally in 3-D.

[2:51] It was directed.

[2:51] Then they're shot onto 2-D celluloid.

[2:54] Okay.

[2:54] But they all, except for animated cartoons, they all start.

Stuart Wellington

[2:57] Explain them more.

[3:01] Make us a plane no more, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[3:05] After the show, what is this thing called love?

[3:08] I want to know.

[3:09] But as for now, yes, Drive Angry 3-D, directed by Patrick Lussier,

[3:15] who directed the 3-D My Bloody Valentine as well.

[3:20] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] He's really specializing in 3-D.

Dan McCoy

[3:22] He's specializing in 3-D films with extended full nude scenes of women.

[3:27] I mean, this is not as extended as in My Bloody Valentine.

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] Someday he hopes to make it to the full nude scenes of men in 3-D movies.

[3:35] There's more to 3-D with.

[3:37] Yeah.

[3:37] Oh.

[3:39] It's a more exciting 3-D experience.

[3:42] I mean, it's a pointier 3-D.

[3:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:47] Wait, what are we talking about?

[3:47] Are we talking about shooting guys naked in 3-D?

[3:51] That is what happened in this movie.

[3:53] Okay.

[3:53] More questions than usual from Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[3:56] Stuart, were you here?

[3:57] I'm angry.

[3:58] Okay.

[3:59] Would you like me to explain what this movie is about?

[4:01] Please do.

[4:02] Drive Angry 3-D stars one Nicholas Cageworth.

[4:05] Okay.

[4:05] Who stars...

Stuart Wellington

[4:06] He is a Flophouse favorite.

[4:07] Flophouse favorite.

[4:08] Star of...

[4:09] You'll add a sound effect later, right?

[4:10] Sure.

[4:11] Okay.

[4:12] Flophouse favorite.

Elliott Kalan

[4:13] Row!

[4:14] I have to assume that he starred in more Flophouse movies than anyone else.

[4:18] Oh, yeah.

[4:19] Nick Cage is in the Flophouse Hall of Fame.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:22] And Nick Cage's hair is also in it.

[4:25] Row, row!

Stuart Wellington

[4:27] Intellectual property.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] Didn't have to say that.

[4:30] Come on.

[4:30] It's parody.

[4:31] It's protected by the First Amendment.

[4:32] Okay.

[4:33] That's fine.

Dan McCoy

[4:34] Yeah.

[4:35] Yours is the Flophouse louse cat.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] He's mad because he's covered in lice.

Dan McCoy

[4:39] Yeah.

[4:40] Yeah.

[4:40] I can see why I'd be rowing.

[4:42] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[4:43] Anywho, Nicolas Cage is in hell.

[4:47] Okay.

[4:47] And he escapes with a muscle car.

[4:49] Yeah.

[4:50] Sure.

[4:50] He drives out of hell.

[4:51] Drives out of hell.

[4:52] He's like a bat out of hell.

[4:53] He's like a bat out of hell if by bat it's a man driving a car across a bridge.

[4:58] Yep.

[4:58] Because hell looks like Detroit but red.

[5:01] Yeah.

[5:01] Which is a lot of crumbling industrial landscapes.

[5:04] So he escapes from hell.

[5:06] Mm-hmm.

[5:06] And it's because...

[5:08] Should I just explain?

[5:08] I don't want to...

[5:09] Yeah, sure.

[5:09] Yeah, just explain real quick.

[5:10] He is trying to get revenge on the man who killed his daughter and stole his daughter's baby,

[5:16] Nicolas Cage's grandbaby.

[5:18] And...

[5:19] I don't know, dude.

[5:19] He can play 25.

[5:20] He doesn't need to have a grandbaby.

[5:22] No, he cannot play 25.

[5:23] Like 26?

[5:24] No, no, I don't think that's...

[5:25] Okay.

[5:26] But we'll talk about that one.

[5:27] The guy who did it is a...

[5:28] I mean, he's blonde in the movie.

[5:29] Yes, he has frosted tips.

[5:31] The guy who did it is a...

[5:33] He's wearing a leather jacket.

Dan McCoy

[5:34] Only young people wear those.

Elliott Kalan

[5:35] And sunglasses.

[5:35] But he also smokes a cigar, which old people do.

[5:37] True.

[5:38] But he only smoked it while having sex, which young people do.

[5:41] But he had sex fully clothed because he's afraid of showing his belly, which old people do.

[5:45] But he had sex while wearing sunglasses, which only young people do.

[5:48] No, which only Spuds McKenzie does.

Dan McCoy

[5:51] The original party animal.

[5:53] T.M.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] Nicolas Cage has to stop the guy who committed these crimes, who is a cult leader,

[5:59] who's kind of like if a Bruce McCullough character from Kids in the Hall was taken seriously.

[6:04] Like he's got a tiny little soul patch goatee and a heavy southern accent.

[6:07] And he carries around a walking stick made out of a femur.

Stuart Wellington

[6:10] Well, I'm glad you took him seriously.

[6:12] He's got like a red silk shirt on.

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] And he wears a red silk shirt.

[6:14] And he's got a pentagram necklace that he's constantly being stabbed with.

Stuart Wellington

[6:18] That's the problem with one of those cool necklaces.

Elliott Kalan

[6:20] Along the way, Nicolas Cage picks up a sidekick in – what's her name?

[6:24] Amber Heard?

[6:24] Amber Heard.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] Very attractive, young lass, famed Hollywood lesbian Amber Heard.

[6:32] That's all I know about Amber Heard.

[6:34] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] She's right up there with Marlena Dietrich.

[6:36] Yep.

[6:37] Who was bi.

[6:39] Anyway.

[6:39] Thanks for the –

[6:40] That's a little classic Hollywood sex knowledge.

[6:42] Yep.

[6:43] Amber Heard is a waitress at a diner.

[6:46] Sure.

[6:47] Called Fat Lose.

[6:48] She gets in a fight with her boyfriend who she catches having sex with another woman.

[6:54] And he is some kind of like southern white trash guy who really doesn't deserve a woman who looks like Amber Heard.

[7:00] He starts hitting her.

[7:01] Nicolas Cage's woman in trouble sense flares up.

[7:04] Sure.

[7:04] And he comes over and beats up that guy.

[7:06] And they take the boyfriend's car which has a license plate that says Dr. Vangry.

[7:11] I didn't understand.

[7:12] D-R-V-A-N-G-R-Y.

[7:14] Dr. Vangry.

Dan McCoy

[7:14] You stole it from a dentist.

[7:17] You know, like –

Elliott Kalan

[7:18] Anton Vangry.

[7:19] Anton Vangry.

[7:20] With the dentist.

Dan McCoy

[7:22] Anton Q. Vangry.

Elliott Kalan

[7:23] Anton Vangry DDS.

[7:25] And they go on a –

[7:26] The car is a bumper sticker.

[7:28] That says –

[7:29] It says I break for pussy.

[7:30] That's when I realized this movie might be trying too hard.

[7:33] Okay.

[7:34] They go to track down this cult member but they're also being followed.

[7:38] Available at Spencer's Gifts.

[7:40] Really?

[7:40] That bumper sticker is?

Stuart Wellington

[7:42] Yeah.

[7:42] And DVD copies of this movie.

[7:44] Not the Blu-ray.

Elliott Kalan

[7:45] Right next to a T-shirt of an angry bootleg Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.

Dan McCoy

[7:50] Stuart has a lucrative Spencer's Gifts sponsorship deal.

[7:54] Sure.

[7:54] That's why he's mentioned it once in several years.

[7:58] He doesn't want to overplay his hand.

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] They only pay him in pornographic greeting cards for women.

[8:02] So not really eager to get paid.

Dan McCoy

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:07] If he gets it up to two mentions, he gets one of those electronic things that shoot out beams to your fingers and you put it on.

[8:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:15] Van de Graaff generators.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] I believe they're called but I could be wrong about that.

[8:18] And truck nuts.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] Yeah.

[8:21] Which were surprisingly absent in a movie called Drive Angry.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] Yeah.

[8:25] That's true.

[8:26] I'm surprised we didn't see any truck nuts.

[8:27] But we did see –

[8:28] So Drive Angry, no truck nuts.

[8:31] I'm not done with the fly yet.

[8:32] Oh, I thought we were summarizing.

[8:33] Nicholas Cage is also being chased.

[8:35] Okay.

[8:36] By a man known only as The Accountant.

[8:38] Sure.

[8:38] Played by –

[8:39] William Feikner.

[8:42] Feikner.

[8:43] People who are not familiar with him may know him as the guy in The Dark Knight who at the beginning has a shotgun and tells the Joker that he's going to die because he's stealing mob money.

Stuart Wellington

[8:53] He's the bad guy in Armageddon.

Elliott Kalan

[8:55] Armageddon.

[8:56] The bad guy in Armageddon is a meteor.

Stuart Wellington

[8:58] No, he's the bad guy in Armageddon.

[9:00] He's the guy who like tries to cause trouble and he dies or something.

[9:04] Big forehead, stringy hair and linders.

[9:06] He looks kind of like –

[9:08] He's got a lot of charm.

Elliott Kalan

[9:08] He looks like the robot character from that Jim Henson primetime Muppet show from the 90s.

[9:13] He does look like that.

[9:14] That's what I think of every time I see him.

[9:16] Muppets Tonight.

[9:17] That's what it's called.

[9:17] The one that had a Rastafarian baboon and they – I don't think they understood how racist that is, how offensive.

[9:24] Yeah.

[9:25] Anyway, so the accountant is also chasing Nicolas Cage but not really trying very hard at it.

[9:31] He's almost always on foot and he'll kind of show up where Nicolas Cage is, watch Nicolas Cage escape and then just kind of follow him again.

Dan McCoy

[9:39] He knows he doesn't need to sweat it too much.

[9:41] I mean he's not at all.

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] He's lazy.

[9:43] He's not doing his job.

Stuart Wellington

[9:45] I don't know if he can sweat either.

[9:46] I mean I think he's a supernatural creature.

[9:48] That's a very good point and he lives in hell.

Elliott Kalan

[9:50] So if he can't take the heat –

[9:51] Yeah, maybe he just wants to take –

[9:52] I mean he's wearing a full suit.

Dan McCoy

[9:52] Because he lives in hell, he likes to like drag his feet a little bit on his job.

Elliott Kalan

[9:56] Oh, it's like he doesn't want to come back home yet.

[9:58] Yeah.

[9:59] Oh, that makes sense.

Stuart Wellington

[10:00] Maybe he's got a wife in hell.

[10:01] I mean it is hell.

[10:02] You know?

[10:03] I mean I'm not married yet.

[10:05] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[10:05] And I can see the marriage is going to go great.

[10:07] Sure.

[10:08] Stuart's marriage is going to be like a Lockhearts cartoon.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] My concepts of marriage is based primarily off of the sitcoms My Wife and Kids and Still Stand.

[10:16] What about Yes Dear?

[10:17] Yes Dear a little bit.

[10:19] I would be the guy with the baseball cap.

[10:21] Okay.

[10:22] Isn't that like every guy in the show?

[10:24] No.

[10:24] I thought only one guy has a baseball cap on that show.

[10:27] That's a distinguishing characteristic.

[10:29] So to go on.

[10:31] Nobody has a baseball cap in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:33] It's just a bunch of characters chasing each other.

[10:35] No.

[10:36] There's a lot of action.

[10:37] There's a little bit of nudity.

[10:38] There's some really good haircuts.

[10:40] Nicholas Cage.

[10:41] And potato wings.

Dan McCoy

[10:42] For a modern film, there's a fair amount of nudity I would say.

[10:47] But if you compare –

[10:48] Which just says more about modern films.

Elliott Kalan

[10:50] Compared to like trading places.

[10:52] Sure.

[10:52] There's not an elaborate amount of nudity in this.

[10:54] And in the end, Nicholas Cage gets his revenge and he and the accountant become pals to a certain extent.

Stuart Wellington

[11:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] And Amber Heard has a baby foisted on her.

[11:05] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[11:05] Mm-hmm.

[11:06] Here you go.

[11:07] And then she goes to David Morse.

Elliott Kalan

[11:09] And David Morse who is Nicholas Cage's old-time buddy who runs a demolition service.

[11:15] Yeah.

[11:17] And then what were you saying?

Dan McCoy

[11:18] Oh, I just – you know, that's the thing that all young women want is a baby.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] Well, when they get to that age.

[11:23] And Nicholas Cage also has a gun called the God Killer which can – it's one of those weapons where it's like once you shoot someone with that, they cease to exist.

[11:32] In the most 3D fashion possible.

[11:34] Yeah.

[11:35] The scene where the villain gets shot with the God Killer – spoiler alert, the villain loses – is – the scene looks like –

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] The least intimidating villain outside of a bad boys movie.

Elliott Kalan

[11:44] The effects are like something out of like a full moon entertainment movie from like the early 90s.

[11:49] They're great in their shoddiness.

[11:52] There's a lot of CGI in this.

[11:54] A lot of CGI blood, CGI bullets, CGI glass out of a mirror, CGI cars.

Stuart Wellington

[11:58] I have expected one of the cars from the movie Cars to show up and do a barrel roll over Nicholas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[12:04] There's a scene where the accountant is driving a truck full of hydrogen to break up a roadblock that is stopping Nicholas Cage from getting to the cult leader.

[12:13] This is after the accountant has been working with the police to stop Nicholas Cage.

[12:17] So I don't know why – he kind of explains it later why he changed his mind but it really doesn't make sense.

[12:22] But none of –

Stuart Wellington

[12:22] I mean he's a supernatural being, Elliot.

[12:23] We can't fathom the depths of his plans.

[12:25] That's right, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:26] But nothing in the scene looks real or like it existed even in the same computer as the other things in the scene.

[12:32] Sure.

[12:32] It's all so computer-y.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] Like somebody was playing like a TurboGrafx-16 and then they were also playing a – I don't know, whatever a current video game system is and somehow they merged.

[12:42] You have a current video game system.

[12:44] Yeah, one of those Xboxes.

[12:46] So you merge like somehow you mash them together.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] TurboGrafx-16 came to mind immediately but something that is advertised on television every day.

Dan McCoy

[12:53] Stuart just got too lazy to finish the thought.

[12:56] It's like you know what I'm talking about.

[12:57] You know what I'm talking about.

[12:58] Video games.

Elliott Kalan

[12:59] Is this a bit?

Stuart Wellington

[13:01] Someone's virtual boy got mixed up with their links.

[13:04] Yep.

[13:05] Their Sega CD and their ColecoVision.

Elliott Kalan

[13:09] 32X and their Philips CD-i.

[13:11] Playing against a Neo Geo.

[13:13] Is this video game talk?

[13:15] I guess this is how the video game has.

[13:16] Game Boy Color.

Dan McCoy

[13:18] 32X.

[13:19] So yeah, I would like to talk about – what was his name?

[13:23] The accountant?

[13:24] Was that his name?

[13:25] Fichtner.

[13:25] Yeah, Fichtner.

[13:26] Fichtner.

Elliott Kalan

[13:27] Who goes around killing people that Nicolas Cage forgot to kill.

[13:30] What was his motivation?

[13:32] And leading – and leads to the – excuse me, the other thing is at one point these two policemen team up with the accountant to stop Nicolas Cage and Amber Heard murders them.

[13:41] Just shoots them.

[13:42] And like they are about to shoot Nicolas Cage but – and throughout the movie they'll make jokes about like you're a wanted woman.

[13:47] You killed two policemen.

[13:48] Oh, I guess those police are scared of you.

[13:50] You killed two policemen.

[13:51] It's like – it's not a joke.

[13:52] Yeah.

[13:52] Like they were working with the bad guy but they didn't know he was from hell.

[13:56] They were misled.

[13:56] Yeah, they were lied to.

Dan McCoy

[13:57] He said he was an FBI agent.

Elliott Kalan

[13:58] Like it's never okay for the hero to kill two policemen.

[14:01] He magiced them or something, right?

[14:02] He kind of cast a charm on them.

[14:05] Like a glamour.

[14:06] Yeah, he cast a glamour on them.

Stuart Wellington

[14:08] So yeah, it's probably not – it's probably not their fault they were shooting at Nicolas Cage.

[14:13] Yeah, but they're dead now.

[14:14] Anyway –

[14:14] It's like the Death Star exploding and killing people.

[14:18] Thanks, Kevin Smith.

[14:21] I mean I cribbed a little bit but I mean –

Elliott Kalan

[14:23] Those people were all in the Imperial Army.

[14:25] Okay.

[14:26] So –

[14:27] Get it.

Dan McCoy

[14:29] Skip.

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] So –

[14:30] No.

Stuart Wellington

[14:31] I don't understand.

[14:31] Interrupt.

[14:33] Stop talking.

[14:33] Fickner's –

[14:34] Fickner's motivation.

Dan McCoy

[14:35] Fickner's motivation from scene to scene because as you point out, he's trying to kill Nicolas Cage

[14:40] and then he swoops in right when the police are expressly going to kill him.

[14:46] Like the police chief is like, shoot him in the head.

[14:49] And so he swoops in, saves him.

[14:51] Well, here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[14:52] There's a scene – it's implied that the accountant doesn't know that these are Satanists who are going to kill a baby.

[14:59] And once – there's a scene where he interrogates a man with hilarious hair.

[15:03] And once he finds out that there are – he talks that the devil doesn't like Satanists.

[15:09] He finds them offensive.

[15:11] So I guess he decides he's going to let Nicolas Cage get revenge on these Satanists and then take him back to hell.

[15:17] But he keeps chasing him and delaying him from getting his revenge.

[15:21] He's really at cross purposes.

Dan McCoy

[15:22] Well, here's the other thing that I found kind of confusing about the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] To quote Walt Whitman, does he contradict himself?

[15:28] Very well, he contradicts himself.

[15:30] He contains multitudes.

[15:31] Beautiful.

[15:32] I paraphrased.

[15:33] But –

[15:34] Leaves of grass.

Dan McCoy

[15:36] One of the things I also sort of like find confusing about the movie was initially I thought it was cool that, okay, you have this real devilish character.

[15:47] Like this real character from hell following Nicolas Cage.

[15:50] Sure.

[15:50] And then –

[15:51] A Satan of killers type fellow.

[15:53] Right.

[15:53] Yes.

[15:53] Yeah.

[15:54] Yeah.

[15:54] But Nicolas Cage is trying to track down these Satanists who are throughout like the early part of the movie like made out to be like sort of buffoons.

[16:01] Like they're just like a cult.

Elliott Kalan

[16:03] Yeah.

[16:03] And then by the end of it they're buffoons too.

Dan McCoy

[16:05] Yeah.

[16:05] But it's – I mean and it's clear through what William Fichter says like, okay, these – like Satan doesn't like you guys.

[16:12] Like you have no real – but then like at the end it seemed like they might have some sort of mystical powers.

[16:18] Like they implied at the end that their ritual was going to do something and then at the end he was like –

[16:23] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[16:23] They left it ambiguous.

[16:24] They were going to kill the baby on the light of a full moon and that was somehow going to bring hell on earth and make them all live forever and change the world.

Dan McCoy

[16:33] Well, and then the guy said like I got powers.

[16:35] Like no, nothing on earth can kill me.

[16:37] He's like I'm not from the earth.

[16:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:39] I think that was just boasting.

Stuart Wellington

[16:41] I guess.

[16:41] Combined with a chance for Nicolas Cage to say something badass before killing the guy in the most CGI way possible.

Elliott Kalan

[16:47] Yeah.

[16:47] I think it was a setup for the line.

Dan McCoy

[16:49] I just don't think there's any reason to like muddy it up because it's so much cooler to have like these stupid –

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] These idiot hillbilly cultists.

Dan McCoy

[16:57] Yeah.

[16:57] Who like actually have no power and then like they get tangled into something that actually involves someone from Hell.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] See, that would be a more interesting movie is like a shitty cult that gets caught up accidentally in a real hell thing and they don't know what to do and they're way over their heads.

Stuart Wellington

[17:13] Are we stepping into other podcast territory on how to fix this movie?

[17:17] I'm not saying how to fix it.

[17:19] Okay.

[17:20] I sound kind of like you were.

Dan McCoy

[17:22] Is that another podcast?

[17:22] Podcast?

[17:23] How to fix this movie?

[17:24] Yeah.

[17:25] I thought there was another podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[17:26] It's called Fix This Movie.

[17:27] Please.

[17:28] Well, somebody should because it wasn't very good.

[17:30] I mean spoiler alert for a couple of minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[17:33] Well, this was one that we were holding out hopes that we would like and I enjoyed parts of it.

[17:39] It's just as it went on it was clear it didn't have a lot.

[17:41] It made out of ideas.

Stuart Wellington

[17:42] The slow motion 3D parts, right?

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] Oh, I love those.

[17:46] Yeah.

[17:47] Anything with fake blood that is 3D and CGI and it moves slowly and the camera zooms in on someone's face in a really fake way and then zooms out again.

[17:56] Oh, that's just – oh, I could watch that a million times.

[17:59] That's like Orson Welles plus Alfred Hitchcock times a billion.

[18:02] That's just the best stuff.

[18:05] Sarcasm.

Dan McCoy

[18:05] It was a pretty great scene when the totally nude waitress was very enthusiastically thrusting on the –

[18:15] Fully clothed.

[18:15] Fully clothed, immobile Nicolas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] Immobile Nicolas Cage, fully clothed, wearing sunglasses, smoking a cigar and holding a bottle of –

[18:22] Jack Daniels.

Stuart Wellington

[18:22] Jack Daniels and a pistol.

Elliott Kalan

[18:25] They do the having sex during a shootout scene from Shoot Em Up but Nicolas Cage is so much less interested in the sex than Clive Owen was in Shoot Em Up.

[18:36] And there's way more – and the nudity is so much more graphic.

[18:39] Yes.

[18:40] But at the same time, something that comes up is that since Nicolas Cage is dead already, he can't be killed again.

[18:45] He gets shot through the eye.

[18:47] He gets shot in the chest.

[18:48] All over the place.

[18:49] But it means that this poor woman who's as vulnerable as you can be in a shootout, naked and in the throes of passion, so she doesn't have basic motor control at the moment, she is in serious danger.

Stuart Wellington

[19:00] I mean, wouldn't you be if you were grinding against Nicolas Cage's big rod?

[19:03] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] I would just be uncontrolled.

[19:06] His driveshaft.

[19:07] Yeah.

[19:08] No, that was good.

[19:09] Sure.

[19:10] I agree.

[19:12] She's just a slutty waitress at the Bull by the Balls, which is the bar that she works at.

Stuart Wellington

[19:17] I mean, how often is she going to meet a guy from out of town, let alone out of hell, I guess?

Elliott Kalan

[19:24] That's the other thing.

[19:25] This is the second woman – this is the second waitress in the movie who has hit on Nicolas Cage really hard.

[19:29] Yeah.

[19:30] The first being –

[19:31] Well, he's the ultimate bad boy.

[19:34] That's true.

[19:35] He's the ultimate bad boy.

Stuart Wellington

[19:36] I mean, this movie is probably based on the experiences of the screenwriter.

[19:40] He generally finds when he goes to diners that women throw themselves at him.

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] They just throw him at him and he's busy on his hell quest.

[19:47] It's based on the experience.

[19:49] That's what the movie should have been called, to be honest with you.

[19:52] Well, because, yeah, there's not a lot of angry driving in this.

[19:54] There's –

[19:55] They're calm.

[19:56] Yeah.

[19:57] Like Vanishing Point is more angry driving than this.

[19:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:00] There is, however, a lot of driving because one of my favorite things about the climax is, you know, like there's this big sacrifice going on.

[20:06] There's this helpless tiny baby at the center of the sacrifice and Nicolas Cage says to William Fichtner, give me my keys.

[20:15] And he has to save the baby through the use of a car.

[20:19] He can't just go down there and like start a shootout.

Elliott Kalan

[20:21] He has a shootout with a bunch of cultists while driving around in a car, which, if anything, just impairs him the entire time.

[20:27] I mean it's not like he needs the protection of the vehicle.

Stuart Wellington

[20:30] Like he seems to be pretty fine.

[20:32] He's immortal.

[20:34] The other – we've mentioned that at no point was Nicolas Cage actually in any kind of danger.

[20:39] In many ways, at no point was the child in that much danger.

[20:42] I mean at all times, this baby that he's trying to save is being held by a female cultist who, when it comes down to it, they kind of address that she was never going to kill the baby.

[20:52] She wouldn't have – like even if the cult leader demanded it, she probably wouldn't have done it.

Elliott Kalan

[20:56] At the last minute, her maternal instincts are kicking in and she's reluctant to give the baby to the cult leader.

Stuart Wellington

[21:00] So, I mean she's in more ways kind of protecting the baby from Nicolas Cage than anything.

Elliott Kalan

[21:05] From the Hellman that just came out.

[21:07] From the Hellman, reckless driver.

[21:09] Let's see.

[21:10] I'm going to hold the baby because there's a cult leader and a damned soul who are both trying to get it.

Stuart Wellington

[21:15] And the damned soul is driving around and randomly spraying gunfire.

Dan McCoy

[21:20] Yes.

[21:21] But now Amber Heard is protecting that baby and she knows how to kick some ass.

Elliott Kalan

[21:24] Yeah.

[21:24] She has a fight with the cult leader on an RV where the RV seems to grow in size in terms of the space inside of it.

[21:33] It's like a TARDIS.

[21:35] Yeah.

[21:35] It's like a TARDIS.

[21:36] Unlike the fight –

[21:37] Dan, there's only a certain amount of room inside of a TARDIS.

[21:40] Just enough for the body to pull its legs and its head in.

[21:43] It's not like there's a whole house in there.

[21:45] It's not like Snoopy's doghouse.

[21:46] I apologize.

[21:49] Are we talking about turtles again?

[21:51] I knew what Dan was talking about.

[21:52] He meant Doctor Who's TARDIS.

[21:53] Shouldn't we save this for the Turtle cast?

[21:55] It's the doctor.

[21:55] Come on.

[21:56] The Doctor Who.

[21:57] Dr. Vangry.

Stuart Wellington

[21:59] Dr. Venkman?

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] Yes.

[22:01] Dr. Peter Venkman.

Stuart Wellington

[22:03] So, yeah, it's unlike, say, the fight scene in the second Kill Bill where the fight in the RV –

Dan McCoy

[22:11] Which is a fantastic fight.

Stuart Wellington

[22:12] It's a fantastic fight and they kind of play up the cramped confines of an RV.

[22:17] This movie, they kind of spread them out.

[22:19] They make people start flying outside of windows and stuff.

[22:22] Yeah.

[22:22] Explode when cars run over them.

Elliott Kalan

[22:26] Yeah.

[22:26] There's a lot of – it's a movie that starts out kind of like purposely going over the top and then as it goes on, it's just like, ah, we don't need to play by the rules anymore.

[22:37] We'll just kind of get – we'll get loose.

[22:38] We'll get silly.

[22:39] Let's go all the way to Cool World with this one.

Dan McCoy

[22:45] I could drive into Cool World.

Elliott Kalan

[22:46] Because I have to say when the movie first started, it was trying a little too hard for my taste but it wasn't necessarily bad.

[22:52] But there was something about it like it was too high production value a movie.

[22:56] Yeah, that's what you were saying.

[22:57] Yeah.

[22:57] It felt like this is a movie where like there's like a woman is in a fist fight with a nude woman and then her boyfriend starts hitting her and there's all sorts of like a car with a bumper sticker that says I brake for pussy and stuff.

[23:09] And it's like a movie that has that stuff is less enjoyable when it's shot really well I feel like.

[23:15] Yeah.

[23:15] You feel like people should know better.

[23:16] Yes.

[23:17] I want it to be like a sleazier movie.

[23:20] Yeah.

[23:20] To have a little more honesty to it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] Or I mean to compare it to say for instance Kill Bill which has similar elements.

[23:28] We're talking about a movie where the guy who made it is familiar with trash cinema and is going to like play up those tropes whereas this guy probably doesn't have a lot of understanding of it.

[23:38] I don't know if that's true.

[23:38] But it doesn't – at least whatever understanding he has does not show in the film.

[23:42] No, he doesn't put it to work.

[23:42] Like it's not shot like that.

Elliott Kalan

[23:43] Yeah.

[23:44] And when – well this thing – Tarantino is like a special case because that feels like so much of his DNA but at the same time he's combining it with non-trash movies.

[23:54] Yeah.

[23:54] Like he is doing such a mix-em-up that he makes something new out of it whereas here it felt like it was trying very hard to be like –

[24:02] It's like a movie Girl Talk.

[24:04] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[24:06] I don't get it.

[24:06] Famous mashup artist Girl Talk.

Elliott Kalan

[24:08] Oh, okay.

[24:08] Sure.

[24:08] You got to explain it to Elliot.

[24:09] I thought you were talking about Girl Talk talking about Dateline, the board game for girls.

Dan McCoy

[24:15] It's not mid to pre-80s hard rock or punk rock.

[24:19] Elliot's not going to know.

[24:20] I don't understand it.

[24:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] If it's not 30s jazz or 80s funk rock, I am not interested.

[24:27] But the – yeah, it was like – it felt like someone trying to do something that they had seen somewhere else but not quite knowing how to do it.

Stuart Wellington

[24:38] It was in some ways like when we watched that Insane Clown Posse movie where they –

[24:43] Big Money Rustlers.

[24:44] Where it felt like they were trying to throw in jokes and stuff and be kind of raunchy but they just came off as like –

[24:51] Where they were familiar with the –

[24:52] Poor filmmakers.

Dan McCoy

[24:53] They were familiar with the idea of jokes.

[24:56] But they didn't know how to make jokes.

[24:58] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:58] Like this guy was familiar with the idea of sleazy and trashy but he didn't actually know how to make a sleazy trashy –

Elliott Kalan

[25:04] It just seems like it's like I got to make a movie where like there's a lot of fire and boobs and people say motherfucker a lot and like that's –

[25:11] And there's one – and like people are – there's a guy in a suit who says threatening things but in a calm way.

[25:18] Like we got to have all that stuff in there.

[25:19] Although he is the best character in the whole movie.

Stuart Wellington

[25:21] Yeah.

[25:21] I mean every time he gets on the screen, you're like, oh, thank god.

[25:24] Something is going to happen.

[25:25] Yeah.

[25:25] Because he finds something –

[25:26] Even though plot-wise nothing happens.

Dan McCoy

[25:29] He finds little things to do.

[25:29] Like he finds something interesting in every scene.

[25:32] He has a take on – like this is a character you've seen a thousand times before.

[25:36] He's like, oh, this is the functionary from hell who's going to come in and he's a menacing figure in a suit.

[25:42] But he finds like little – like he acts like he is sort of a civil servant and he's a little bored by what he's doing.

[25:50] But then like there's something off and crazy about the way he goes about it.

Elliott Kalan

[25:53] And as the movie goes on, he's getting – you can see he's getting more and more enjoyment out of what he's doing.

[25:59] He's the only character who really has an arc in the movie and it's a very subtle arc.

Stuart Wellington

[26:03] And the only actor who seems to be having fun with being in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:05] Yeah.

[26:05] Nicholas Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[26:06] I don't know why he does movies anymore.

[26:08] He just seems to hate all of them.

[26:09] Nicholas Cage could easily have hammed this up a little bit more.

[26:12] Amber Heard.

[26:14] I've only seen her in like one other movie.

[26:15] And David Morse was in it and he's definitely had more fun in other movies.

[26:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:20] He's barely in this though.

[26:21] The cult leader has a fair amount of fun.

[26:23] I don't know the actor's name.

[26:25] He does a lot of soul patch acting.

[26:28] I'm going to call him Joe Culty.

Dan McCoy

[26:29] He's got an extravagant accent.

Stuart Wellington

[26:32] Joe Culty.

[26:33] Yeah.

[26:34] He's got like a opportunity southern accent.

[26:35] I wouldn't say that's that much of an accent.

[26:37] I mean it's just kind of –

[26:37] It's extravagant.

[26:38] I'm saying that.

[26:38] I mean but there's a lot of –

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] Like he spent a lot on it?

Stuart Wellington

[26:41] Like it was overpriced?

[26:42] I don't understand.

[26:43] It's not a bargain.

[26:44] An accent.

[26:45] Like it's like you're buying a font?

[26:47] Yeah.

[26:48] I don't get it.

Dan McCoy

[26:49] From Richard Starkings?

[26:51] He bought the dialogue tapes.

[26:54] They were like an old high audio quality.

[26:57] Oh.

[26:58] It was like a gold CD.

Stuart Wellington

[26:59] It was like Rosetta Stone mobile fidelity gold.

[27:01] It was not a bad save.

[27:02] Yeah.

[27:03] Sorry.

[27:03] As far as a joke but you know –

[27:05] Well, a little bit of stretch.

[27:06] I'll work on it.

Elliott Kalan

[27:07] You know what?

[27:08] Take the next week off.

[27:11] Obviously you strained a joke muscle.

[27:14] Sure.

[27:15] You're benched.

[27:15] I think your funny bone might have been fractured.

[27:20] You're benched.

[27:22] Bring in his replacement.

[27:23] Thanks, Child's Joke Book.

[27:27] Yep.

[27:27] Joyce Child's Joke Book.

[27:31] Anyway.

[27:33] So are we tapped out on this?

[27:34] No, I don't know about – well, it was not a – this was – I mean we can go to

[27:37] final judgments I guess but –

Stuart Wellington

[27:39] I mean it's tough to make fun of Nicolas Cage because we've had a lot – I mean we've

[27:42] made a lot of jokes.

[27:43] He's like an old friend at this point.

[27:45] Oh, Nick.

[27:46] Oh, Nicky.

[27:46] Yeah, like I feel like he's like part of my family at this point.

Dan McCoy

[27:49] I wish he would just – you know, like he would apply some of that bad lieutenant port

[27:55] called New Orleans energy to this.

[27:57] I mean I know that –

[27:58] Even if you're making a movie with Werner Herzog –

[27:59] When you're making a movie with Werner Herzog –

[28:00] Yeah.

[28:01] You're going to put a higher level of crazy into it but I think –

Elliott Kalan

[28:06] He does – he is a little too – especially considering his major villain, the accountant,

[28:11] is deliberately underplaying scenes, Nicolas Cage doesn't help the movie by underplaying

[28:17] so much.

Dan McCoy

[28:17] All he's doing is putting on like a growly voice and a terrible southern accent.

Stuart Wellington

[28:22] I mean that comes in post.

[28:23] And in a movie like this where it's such like in many ways a tired idea of like a supernatural

[28:29] guy comes from hell to like get revenge.

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:33] He needs to play it up more.

[28:34] Like if you want to watch The Crow, you can watch The fucking Crow to see somebody who

[28:39] doesn't really act much.

[28:40] He doesn't have a fucking face paint.

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] Well, I mean he doesn't act much now because he was killed during the film.

[28:44] Well, no.

Stuart Wellington

[28:44] I mean but like in the movie –

[28:46] I mean he's basically a guy with a face paint.

[28:47] His reasons his career didn't take off after The Crow.

[28:49] It doesn't –

[28:50] Yeah.

[28:50] I mean I'm sorry to the family of Brandon Lee.

[28:55] Too soon?

[28:56] Too soon.

[28:57] It's like 20 years ago.

[28:59] Yeah.

[28:59] 20 years young.

[29:01] So –

[29:02] But yeah.

[29:03] It is a –

[29:04] It could have used like a little more –

[29:06] A little more character.

[29:08] Yeah.

[29:08] Some vim.

[29:09] Some vigor.

[29:10] And I know he's got an energy.

Dan McCoy

[29:12] Or piss.

Stuart Wellington

[29:13] Like it's not like Nicolas Cage has been using it all up making knowing.

[29:17] No.

[29:17] Like even the energy he brought to that movie where he could see a couple seconds in the

[29:21] future.

[29:21] What was that?

[29:22] Next.

[29:23] Like he had way more energy in that than this one.

[29:25] Well, he believed in that project.

Dan McCoy

[29:26] He's got more energy in this though than he did in Bangkok Dangerous.

[29:29] Bangkok Dangerous.

[29:30] That's the low watermark.

Elliott Kalan

[29:31] It's like they got the wax music – the wax statue from Madame Dussauds and like just posed

[29:35] it.

[29:36] So it looked like it was moving.

Stuart Wellington

[29:37] I thought most of it – they shot it while he was sleeping.

[29:41] No, you're thinking of the movie while you were sleeping.

Elliott Kalan

[29:44] Bangkok Dangerous is the kind of movie where you're like, did Nicolas Cage die on the first

[29:48] day of filming and they just put sunglasses on him and moved him with wires like Bernie?

[29:54] Bernie.

Elliott Kalan

[29:55] From Weekend At.

[29:56] Oh.

[29:56] Bernie's comma Weekend At.

[30:00] That's how I file it.

[30:01] I don't follow.

[30:01] That's how I file it in my movie system.

[30:04] Your Blu-ray collection.

[30:06] Yeah.

[30:06] It's Bernie's comma Weekend At.

[30:08] Bernie's 2 comma Weekend At.

[30:09] And then birds comma the.

Dan McCoy

[30:12] Well, that was accurate.

[30:14] That's how a normal person would file that one.

[30:15] Bistro comma Bikini.

[30:17] Okay.

[30:17] That one again is crazy.

[30:20] I mean they're both B words, B-I words.

[30:22] It's alphabetical.

[30:23] So it doesn't –

[30:24] It's alphabetical.

Stuart Wellington

[30:24] B-I-D-E-T-E-A comma The Great Bikini.

[30:26] Oh, wait.

[30:27] No, I fucked it up.

Elliott Kalan

[30:28] Adventure comma The Great Bikini Off-Road.

Dan McCoy

[30:30] Oh, no way.

[30:31] We need complex jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[30:34] Instincts comma Animal.

[30:40] That's the best way to bring some life into old crappy movie titles.

[30:47] Oh, we'll do more of this later.

[30:48] Yeah.

[30:49] Tar comma Ish.

[30:52] So it's a movie that could have used a little more real sleaze and it could have used a little more energy.

[30:57] Yes.

[30:57] These movies are always helped by energy and frankly –

[31:00] Real sleaze on HBO.

[31:01] And frankly helped by – like if there have been – I mean this is a – I feel like this is something we hit a lot.

[31:05] But if there were practical special effects as opposed to computer special effects, even if they looked crappy, it would have been more fun than all these computer effects.

[31:13] But, you know.

[31:15] Yeah.

[31:15] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[31:16] Well, I mean we can sort of zip through Final Judgments because I think we've already said it.

[31:20] Final Judgments.

[31:21] Do-do-do-do.

[31:23] Good bad movie, a bad bad movie or a movie you kind of liked, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] I will say this is a movie I kind of liked.

[31:29] Okay.

[31:29] Like I wasn't totally satisfied by it but there was enough in it that – it wasn't like one of the movies we've watched where I've been like, oh, God, when will this end?

[31:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:39] This wasn't Seven Pounds.

[31:40] I'd actually go with that too.

[31:42] I mean it really dragged in the middle.

[31:45] Like it really –

[31:45] It dragged angry.

[31:47] Just – like there were heart-to-heart conversations between Nicolas Cage and Amber Heard and – Amber Heard and David Morris and David Morris and Nicolas Cage just did not need to be in this sort of movie.

[31:57] The movie forgot that we're not supposed to care that much.

[31:59] But it was a movie with a bunch of muscle cars and William Fichtner and devil worshippers and naked ladies.

[32:07] So I kind of liked it.

[32:08] So all of Dan's favorite things.

Stuart Wellington

[32:09] Yeah.

[32:09] It felt like there were scenes where Amber Heard's character is like – I either have to say what next and then make like a wry smile or be like, have you been lying to me this whole time?

[32:20] Are you really not out of prison?

[32:21] Yeah.

[32:21] No, he's a devil man.

[32:22] We all know that.

[32:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:24] There was a lot – for a movie that has such a simple plot –

[32:26] He's devil man.

[32:27] There was a lot of scenes where the characters went out of their way not to say what the plot was.

Stuart Wellington

[32:31] He's a devil man.

[32:32] Devilman MD.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] Dr. Vangry and devilman MD.

[32:37] They share an office.

[32:38] Burner, devilman.

[32:40] No, but I'll agree with you guys.

[32:41] Devilman MD to OR3.

Stuart Wellington

[32:43] This is – I would rank this between right around where Next is but better than Ghost Rider.

[32:52] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] In the Nicolas Cage movies you're saying?

[32:55] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:56] Okay.

[32:56] I mean all movies.

[32:57] In the Cagetorium.

Elliott Kalan

[33:01] Is that where he lives?

[33:02] No, we do, Dan.

[33:03] There's like a little bit of grass to simulate a natural environment like a hot rock to warm himself on in the Cagetorium.

[33:09] It's a terrarium type thing.

[33:10] Cagetorium.

[33:11] Cagetorium, sure.

[33:13] It's like the Cage Cage.

[33:15] Nice.

Stuart Wellington

[33:16] It's because his name's Cage and that's the same thing you put an animal on.

[33:19] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[33:21] So –

[33:21] You unraveled that mystery.

[33:23] Sure.

[33:24] Solve that riddle.

[33:25] I'll have to give you my magic ring now.

[33:28] Where'd you park your squad car, Dick Tracy?

Stuart Wellington

[33:31] Now all I need is an amulet and I'm good to go.

Dan McCoy

[33:34] So this is the part of the show where we talk about letters that we have received.

Elliott Kalan

[33:41] All right.

[33:42] That was a slow buildup.

Dan McCoy

[33:45] This first letter is from Eric, last name withheld.

[33:50] Yeah.

[33:51] And it says –

[33:53] Yeah, Elliot, what are you doing over there?

[33:56] Wow.

[33:57] You ruined the –

Elliott Kalan

[33:59] We can edit this part out.

[34:00] I was getting my list of movies I've seen recently so I can look up what I'm going to recommend later.

[34:04] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[34:04] So this is from Eric, last name withheld.

[34:07] And it says,

[34:08] Thought I'd just drop a line that you do a good show.

[34:10] I'm Eric with We Hate Movies, which is another NYC-based comedy bad movie podcast.

[34:15] Woo!

[34:16] Awesome about the live events.

[34:19] New York!

[34:21] We're also going to try and do a live event.

[34:23] Great selection too.

[34:24] My favorite Barbarian Brothers movie, Think Big.

[34:27] Wrong.

[34:27] Your favorite is Twin Sitters.

[34:30] So there's your free plug.

[34:34] We Hate Movies.

[34:35] Look them up online.

[34:36] But I mainly read this letter just so we could segue into our own plug.

[34:41] What's that?

[34:41] For the live Flophouse event.

Elliott Kalan

[34:43] Live Flophouse!

[34:44] June 30th, Thursday.

[34:46] Twin Sitters.

[34:47] Twin Sitters, live.

[34:48] I mean we'll be live.

[34:49] Twin Sitters is the movie.

[34:50] You're dead.

Dan McCoy

[34:51] I'm Becca, Becca, Becca.

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] 200 Hudson Street, Manhattan, New York, California.

[34:57] Do you want to hear us ruin a movie by talking over it?

[35:02] Meet our wives.

[35:03] Hear how much they dislike the things we do.

[35:06] And look at us irritated while we ask them questions.

[35:09] Also featuring Senya Yarosh and Matt Carmen of I Love Bad Movies, the zine.

Dan McCoy

[35:14] Go to www.flophousepodcast.com for more info.

[35:20] Man.

[35:20] We did some great voices just then.

Elliott Kalan

[35:23] Or you can also go to 92ytribeca.org and in their film section they should have it.

Stuart Wellington

[35:28] Or go to Elliot's Facebook page.

Elliott Kalan

[35:30] I don't think it's listed there.

[35:32] Dan's Facebook page?

[35:32] I think the last time I updated my Facebook page was to change my status from single to married.

Dan McCoy

[35:41] Look at all the posts on Elliot's wall, none of which are from Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] None of which I've ever seen.

Dan McCoy

[35:47] Facebook's for losers.

[35:49] Click ignore.

[35:50] So this next email is from Carrie, last name withheld, and it is titled.

[35:56] I'm going to assume it's Carrie Strug, Olympic athlete.

[35:58] Yeah.

[35:59] It's titled Beverage Credits.

[36:00] Carrie Fisher.

[36:02] Carrie Fisher.

[36:04] Beverage Credits?

[36:05] Beverage Credits.

[36:06] One of my favorite aspects of the Flophouse is the subtle audio cues of inebriation.

[36:11] Ice cubes clinking, occasional sipping noises, urination references, slurred speech, etc.

[36:18] It would greatly enhance my enjoyment of the podcast if there was a beverage roll call at the end of each episode.

[36:23] Preferably with a blood alcohol level posted.

[36:26] So, well, we got to, I mean.

[36:28] I think you're going to be disappointed.

[36:29] Elliot is nearly teetotal.

[36:31] So he.

Stuart Wellington

[36:31] I just drink water during the podcast.

[36:34] With a little bit of, with a little bit of juniper juice or maybe mint leaves.

Elliott Kalan

[36:37] But I've been doing reds and yellows all day.

Dan McCoy

[36:39] Stuart.

[36:40] Stuart has a reputation as the heaviest drinker in the Flophouse, but I don't think that's been true for a while.

[36:45] No, I've, I've kind of fallen off.

[36:47] You've cut back.

[36:48] Yeah, I've cut back.

[36:48] For health reasons.

[36:49] I've brought it back.

[36:50] Yeah, you've brought it back with a vengeance.

[36:52] Yeah.

[36:53] Tonight, what would the beverage roll call be?

Stuart Wellington

[36:55] I think I had four bottles of Coors Light.

Dan McCoy

[36:58] Yeah.

[36:59] So.

[36:59] And when I was more depressed, I probably drank the heaviest of the three of us.

[37:06] But.

[37:06] Sure.

[37:07] No, I'm sad.

[37:08] Now that I need to have my wits about me in the mornings, I've had two beers.

[37:14] One during the movie and one during the podcast.

[37:16] And what were those beers?

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] They were a Longhammer IPA.

[37:20] Was that, so, a public offering?

[37:22] Mm-hmm.

[37:22] What?

[37:23] Longhammer IPO?

[37:24] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[37:26] There's a public offering.

[37:27] So that's what we were drinking.

Elliott Kalan

[37:28] Yeah.

[37:28] Huzzah.

[37:31] Wow.

[37:31] All your questions have been answered.

Stuart Wellington

[37:33] Stuart got really bored.

[37:35] Stuart got really bored.

[37:37] Yep.

[37:37] In there.

[37:38] That's what happens when you have a couple of beers and only eat a peanut butter and jelly

[37:43] sandwich for dinner.

Elliott Kalan

[37:44] So, so what a, an alcoholic child would have.

[37:47] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[37:50] So, uh, this letter is.

[37:53] That's what I'm going to have, uh, engraved on my tombstone.

[37:56] An alcoholic child.

[37:57] Either that or pepperoni and cheese.

[38:01] Why would I?

Elliott Kalan

[38:06] Um.

[38:07] I thought I was going to say, Stuart, Stuart Wellington.

[38:09] Wait, what?

[38:12] What?

Dan McCoy

[38:16] That'd be a great epitaph, actually.

[38:17] Yeah.

[38:19] Uh, this one is from Sarah, last name withheld, and it says.

[38:22] Probably your wife.

[38:23] Missing cat?

[38:24] Question mark?

[38:25] Damn.

[38:25] It's your wife.

Elliott Kalan

[38:26] Is our cat missing?

[38:30] Love your wife.

[38:31] P.S.

[38:31] I don't love you.

[38:32] P.S.

[38:33] Stop doing that stupid podcast.

[38:34] P.S.

Stuart Wellington

[38:35] I don't love you.

[38:35] Is this the sequel to the original?

Dan McCoy

[38:37] The sequel to P.S.

[38:38] I love you.

[38:39] Uh, she says, I just started listening to the flop house and quickly fell in love with

[38:43] it.

[38:43] You should probably find a human man to be in love with.

Elliott Kalan

[38:47] No.

[38:47] Stick with the podcast.

[38:49] Uh, my job is.

[38:49] Podcast will never leave you.

[38:53] We're, we're, we're inside your head.

Dan McCoy

[38:56] My job.

[38:57] That was really, I don't know.

[39:02] My job is incredibly boring.

[39:03] The flop house is the one thing that has been keeping me from attempting a lobotomy on myself.

[39:07] However, I feel that I should mention.

[39:08] My brain's urgent.

[39:10] That I've noticed lately that the, uh, flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[39:15] A loosening of the trying.

[39:16] House cat.

[39:16] Not as much trying.

[39:18] No.

[39:18] I've noticed lately that you fellows are slipping in the area of trying hard.

[39:24] What do you mean you're saying?

Dan McCoy

[39:25] Uh, she's noticed that the flop house house cat has been largely absent as of late.

[39:30] I took it upon myself to report this to the ASPCA as I'm afraid some tragedy has befallen him or her.

[39:35] Why not?

[39:36] I informed them that.

[39:38] Oh no, he's a man.

[39:38] All right.

[39:39] That should the flop house house cat make an appearance on the podcast by July 31st, I will know that nothing foul is afoot and I'll call him off.

[39:45] Well, I think that.

Elliott Kalan

[39:46] Yeah, I thought I heard him a little bit ago.

[39:48] Yeah, he stopped by earlier in the episode, I believe.

[39:50] Then he fucked off.

[39:50] Although we could have a contest.

[39:52] Where is the flop house house cat?

[39:53] Sure.

[39:54] Yeah.

[39:54] It was like when I went to go see.

[39:56] To the pot.

[39:57] Well, nobody's joined the other contest.

Stuart Wellington

[39:58] It was like when I was a little kid and I went to go see Sesame Street Live and Big Bird just fucked off and like disappeared.

[40:05] Yeah, it really bothered me when I was a kid.

[40:07] I left the theater.

[40:08] Okay.

[40:09] You stormed out.

[40:10] Yeah, I stormed out to go find that guy.

Elliott Kalan

[40:12] Panned it in your theater column in the Children's Review.

[40:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:16] In your newspaper that you would sell for a nickel to all your neighbors.

[40:21] A nickel?

Elliott Kalan

[40:22] Can you tell me how to get away from Sesame Street by little Stuart Wellington?

[40:28] Little Stewie Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[40:33] She also asked though, as a cat lover, I must ask exactly what kind of cat he she is.

[40:38] Contest.

[40:38] As his hurl yowl sounds strange to me.

[40:41] I envision a patchy furred, peg-legged creature with a patch over one eye.

[40:45] Essentially a cat pirate.

[40:47] Like some kind of an Indian?

[40:48] An Apache pirate cat.

[40:49] Yeah.

[40:50] Somehow I feel this might be off mark.

[40:51] Calico Jack.

[40:52] What?

[40:53] Somehow I feel this might be off mark, but let me know.

Elliott Kalan

[40:57] That's pretty accurate.

[40:59] I always imagined he had a beer in his hand, backwards baseball cap, skateboard, sunglasses.

Stuart Wellington

[41:04] Yeah, and he wears fucking Converse All-Stars with the toes fucking ripped out.

Elliott Kalan

[41:08] Yeah, the tongues are all crazy.

[41:09] So his little paws can stick out.

[41:11] Yeah.

[41:11] He's basically a real life riffraff in the Junkyard Gang.

[41:16] The patchy fur, though, is correct.

[41:17] Yeah, I mean, he's...

[41:18] Oh, yeah, it's falling out over the years.

[41:20] There's a lot of scrapping.

Stuart Wellington

[41:21] And it's also, it's nerves.

[41:23] Like, he's nervous.

[41:23] He really cares a lot about what his fans think.

[41:26] Yeah.

[41:26] And that shows...

[41:27] Also years of partying.

[41:28] Yeah, and years of partying, clearly.

[41:30] Yeah.

[41:31] Mange.

Elliott Kalan

[41:33] So if anyone would like to show us what they think the Flophouse Housecat looks like, contest.

Stuart Wellington

[41:38] You can draw a picture, or I'll just show you...

[41:40] I'll actually put a Photoshopped picture, because he has his contract where we're not allowed to actually show his actual image.

Elliott Kalan

[41:47] Yeah, he's like Thomas Pynchon.

[41:49] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[41:51] Whoever that person is.

Elliott Kalan

[41:52] He's like J.D. Saladbar.

[41:55] The famous reclusive author slash family restaurant.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] That was from Mad Magazine's literary offshoot.

[42:06] Dad Magazine.

Elliott Kalan

[42:11] Dan Magazine.

[42:12] Dan Magazine.

[42:14] Oh, the 2011 sighs are here.

[42:17] This one is...

[42:18] Sighing.

[42:19] No, I got not sighs of like...

[42:21] Not like the sighs.

[42:22] I realized there was words that sounded the same.

[42:25] Words that sound like other words, if you will.

Dan McCoy

[42:27] Well, this plays into the next letter.

[42:32] This is from John, last name with Heldon.

[42:33] And I'll read the post script.

[42:35] What's last, Rick?

[42:36] I'm going to read the post script first, because it's a good transition.

[42:40] John says, P.S.

[42:41] Remind Elliot that the correct alternate URL for the website is wordssoundlikeeachother.com.

[42:46] Oh, words sound like each other.

[42:48] Not words that sound the same or any less funny variant.

[42:51] Ooh.

[42:51] The actual URL ridicules what certain floppers seem to consider a profound comedic realization.

[42:56] I shouldn't have to explain this to Elliot, professional comedy writer Kalen.

[43:00] If I can remember that he's got two T's at the end of his first name, the best he can do is remember the joke URL for his own website.

Elliott Kalan

[43:06] You're apparently the only person in the world who remembers I have two T's at the end of my first name.

Dan McCoy

[43:09] Yeah, do you want to call out your buddy, your famous author buddy?

[43:13] No, I won't.

Stuart Wellington

[43:13] Let's hear the rest of the letter by Dr. Batitude over here.

[43:17] So, sassy man, what do you have to say?

[43:20] The guy who can't talk back?

Dan McCoy

[43:22] What Dr. Batitude has to say is...

[43:25] I wonder if he and Vangry have a know each other, see each other at conventions and conferences.

[43:30] He says, I knew it would happen, but I didn't think it would happen so fast.

[43:33] Dan's new job has changed him.

[43:35] Oh.

[43:35] The first clue was when Dan cheerfully endured almost seven minutes, seven pounds, of intentional derailment from his co-hosts at the start of the show with nary a mournful sigh and without getting angry once.

[43:47] Then, during final judgment, Dan was so high on life that he couldn't even bring himself to issue an unequivocal bad, bad movie verdict for the roommate.

[43:55] Finally, there was Dan's clever segue at 3312 during the discussion of the roommate, which begins, and I quote,

[44:04] Oh, speaking of this movie, by the way, we flop house audience don't ask for much from our Dans.

[44:11] A few mournful sighs, a bit of ennui with an undercurrent of bitterness, and some simple hosting and recording functions.

[44:17] But this new Dan, now employed by a major national television program, seems almost cheerful.

[44:22] Worse, he has apparently lost the ability to execute even the most rudimentary podcast hosting maneuvers.

[44:27] Like introducing the podcast?

[44:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:29] Or remembering the name of the movie?

[44:31] Sure.

[44:31] Rather just saying vroom vroom.

[44:34] Like a child.

Dan McCoy

[44:36] Please bring back the old man.

[44:37] No, a child would have done it slightly better, to be honest with you.

[44:40] Please bring back the old man.

[44:41] Call a spade a spade.

[44:42] Or at least find some way to tamp his spirit back down to pre-the Daily Show levels.

[44:47] Well, I'm sure it'll happen in time.

Stuart Wellington

[44:50] So the SAS level from that letter is palpable?

[44:53] Oh, off the charts.

[44:54] Off the charts.

[44:55] Sure.

[44:55] My EKG meter just read a million SAS points.

[45:00] What are those points in gratitude spellcasting points?

[45:05] Two.

[45:05] Two and a half.

[45:06] What about wormy boners?

[45:08] It's ten wormy boners.

[45:10] No consistency across these.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] These ranking systems.

[45:13] It's like the formula that you must use to compare the rankings.

[45:18] It's so elaborate.

[45:20] I don't know how you can do it in your head so quickly.

Dan McCoy

[45:22] You're like a beautiful mind level genius.

[45:25] I am.

[45:26] I'm a beautiful wormy boner.

[45:29] The original title.

Stuart Wellington

[45:32] Eva Goldsman.

[45:33] Original title.

[45:34] Beautiful mind.

[45:36] Ten wormy boners.

Elliott Kalan

[45:38] So that letter writer makes a lot of good points though, which is, Dan, I think you should

[45:42] sacrifice your own personal happiness for the sake of this podcast.

Dan McCoy

[45:47] This unpaid podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] So what you're trying to say is that reached mainstream popularity.

[45:53] Hey, that's not our fault.

[45:54] Yes, it is, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[45:55] But what you're trying to say is that Dan's employment is directly related to his happiness.

[45:59] I think that's crazy.

[46:01] Yeah.

[46:01] I think we can find other ways.

[46:02] Maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[46:04] There's a happiness bubble.

[46:06] Friendship.

[46:06] That's inflated.

[46:07] And I think it's going to burst at some point.

[46:08] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[46:09] I mean, we can focus on our relationship with Dan.

[46:11] I mean.

[46:12] Like, take him out to the park.

[46:14] Run him around.

[46:15] Let him run around.

[46:16] Yeah.

[46:16] We're really going to take him to the vet.

Elliott Kalan

[46:17] But we'll take him to the park.

[46:18] Yeah, Dan, you want to go to the park?

[46:20] Maybe take him to a farm.

[46:21] You know, Vroom Vroom.

Stuart Wellington

[46:22] This is supposed to make me sadder.

[46:24] Hey, Vroom Vroom.

[46:25] You said that earlier.

[46:25] It'll be sad when you find out you're actually going to the vet.

[46:28] Okay.

[46:29] That was a callback.

[46:30] Elliot just did the Vroom Vroom thing.

[46:32] Back comic call.

[46:32] You used to like that.

[46:33] You like comic stuff.

Dan McCoy

[46:34] My new.

[46:34] Man, you got so serious all of a sudden.

[46:36] Dan Vroom Vroom McCoy.

[46:39] I like that.

Stuart Wellington

[46:40] Yeah, like a Tex Avery character.

Dan McCoy

[46:42] Well, I mean, you know, as soon as Elliot and my relationship dissolves.

[46:48] From overseeing each other.

[46:51] Sharing too much stuff.

[46:53] Not an office space, but down the hall office.

[46:55] Yeah.

[46:57] You know, this podcast will get more contentious.

[46:59] There'll be more sighing.

[47:00] Eventually I'll force you out, though I'll still make you record the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] Sure.

[47:04] When I bring in our new co-host.

[47:07] Who's your enemy?

Stuart Wellington

[47:10] Let's just say Carrot Top.

Elliott Kalan

[47:11] Carrot Top.

Stuart Wellington

[47:13] Okay.

[47:14] I think that's a cheap joke.

[47:15] You could have gone with, I don't know, Harlan Williams.

[47:19] French Stewart.

[47:21] You know, I think French Stewart would.

[47:23] I mean, that's a pretty good Dan Michael look.

[47:25] Let's try him.

Elliott Kalan

[47:25] Let's try him.

[47:26] And then we get.

[47:27] It's too close to Stuart Wellington.

[47:29] People get confused.

[47:31] Yeah.

[47:31] French Stewart Wellington.

[47:31] Well, then we get the French Stewart Wellington in here.

[47:33] Yeah.

[47:36] Wellington.

[47:37] Stuart Wellington.

[47:39] Yeah, not funny.

[47:40] Is he the bits?

[47:44] Wait, what?

Stuart Wellington

[47:45] Wait, what?

Dan McCoy

[47:48] I'm a little uncomfortable with this.

[47:50] Let's see how you say Wilmy Bonnet.

[47:54] Let's move on.

Stuart Wellington

[47:57] No, that's hilarious, guys.

[47:59] Let's just keep going.

Elliott Kalan

[48:00] I will have a Coors Light.

[48:05] It would be like Coors in that case.

[48:07] Oh.

[48:08] Come on, dude.

[48:08] I don't speak French.

[48:09] Come on.

[48:10] Yeah.

[48:10] Come on, guys.

[48:11] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[48:12] Well, you got to pick on me tonight.

Dan McCoy

[48:14] Let's do a movie recommendations and then get off this crazy train.

[48:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:19] This crazy podcast train.

[48:22] He's driving so angry.

Stuart Wellington

[48:25] Yeah.

[48:25] What are you going to recommend, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[48:26] Oh, okay.

[48:27] I saw a lot of movies this last weekend.

[48:31] I'll single out two quickly.

[48:35] The aforementioned Ksenia Yarosh recommended a movie called Make Out with Violence on Matt Bird's blog.

[48:46] Cock-eyed caravan.

[48:48] Cock-eyed caravan.blogspot.com.

[48:49] And I watched it and I enjoyed it.

[48:52] It's sort of like a Wes Anderson meets Terrence Malick film but with a zombie in it.

[49:00] And that was a delight.

[49:03] And it also had a good soundtrack.

[49:04] I ordered the soundtrack actually after seeing it.

[49:07] And I also for the first time saw the movie The Edge.

[49:11] Oh, with the bear.

[49:12] Yeah.

[49:13] That's a good movie.

[49:13] Which I enjoyed on one level just as a regular action movie and then on another level just thinking how ridiculous it was that David Mamet wrote a movie about Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hockbins fighting a bear.

[49:25] And so it's good fun.

[49:27] It's on Netflix.

[49:27] Watch instantly now.

Elliott Kalan

[49:30] Still it?

[49:30] Oh, me?

Dan McCoy

[49:31] I can go if you want.

[49:32] You can go.

[49:33] I'll go last.

[49:33] That's a good one.

Elliott Kalan

[49:34] I didn't see anything recently that I really loved.

[49:37] I did see Cave of Forgotten Dreams the other night and I enjoyed that.

[49:41] But it loses points for repetition and an unnecessary epilogue about albino alligators which has nothing to do with the cave.

[49:49] Sounds like it should add points.

[49:52] Actually, it does add points a little bit.

[49:55] But actually, you know what?

[49:56] I'll recommend that movie.

[49:57] Cave of Forgotten Dreams.

[49:59] We're a Herzog documentary about the oldest cave paintings in the world.

Dan McCoy

[50:03] A better 3D movie than Drive Angry 3D, would you say?

Elliott Kalan

[50:06] I actually didn't get to see it in 3D.

[50:07] Oh, wow.

[50:08] But it was a very interesting movie and the cave paintings are amazing.

[50:12] How is Nicolas Cage in it?

[50:14] In the role of not in the movie, he does very well.

[50:18] Sure.

[50:19] And it's a fun – it's a good Werner Herzog movie.

[50:21] It's a little slow at times.

[50:22] But one of the things that's fun about it is how goofy the scientists are who are studying this cave.

[50:28] They're all kind of weirdos.

[50:29] And then at the end, Werner Herzog – it's almost like Herzog was like, I don't know.

[50:33] I haven't really been enough myself, this movie.

[50:36] So he does an epilogue all about albino alligators that – are we the albino alligators looking into the abyss?

[50:43] And it doesn't really make any sense, but it's a fun moment.

[50:46] But I enjoyed that movie.

[50:47] I did like it.

Stuart Wellington

[50:48] So I got two recommendations tonight, guys.

[50:51] The first one is a movie called Castle Freak.

Elliott Kalan

[50:55] Let me guess the other one.

[50:57] Does it have an invisible maniac in it?

Stuart Wellington

[50:59] No.

[51:00] First off, Castle Freak, go watch it.

[51:02] It's got a –

Dan McCoy

[51:03] How many times have you recommended Castle Freak?

[51:06] It's got a Castle Freak in it.

Stuart Wellington

[51:09] Well, it's about a family who inherits a castle.

[51:12] Guess what that castle has inside it, Dan?

[51:16] A Freak?

[51:18] Yes.

[51:18] How'd you guess?

[51:19] It's in the title, I know.

[51:21] It's great a dude rips off his own ding-dong.

[51:23] It's awesome.

[51:26] The second movie I liked –

[51:28] Stuart looks more in a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] Stuart somehow –

[51:35] Just to find something new to say about Castle Freak over and over again.

[51:41] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] So the second movie I'd like to recommend is a movie called Killer Clowns from Outer Space.

Elliott Kalan

[51:47] No.

Stuart Wellington

[51:49] All right.

[51:50] It is a –

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] I can't veto your recommendations, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[51:53] It is a movie where these aliens who look like clowns come and murder people.

[51:59] The Chiodo Brothers.

[52:00] Yep.

[52:00] Chiodo Brothers.

[52:01] Does anyone rip their ding-dong?

[52:02] No.

[52:04] Nobody rips off any ding-dongs.

[52:06] But there are killer clowns in it.

[52:08] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[52:08] And they spell clowns with a K.

[52:10] Space combat killer clowns from Outer.

[52:12] Yeah, it's like Mortal Kombat.

[52:15] I'm going to recommend – you know what?

[52:16] I'm going to recommend the movie Gun Crazy to balance out those two recommendations, which

[52:20] is a very good crime movie from the 40s.

[52:22] Yeah, that is a very good movie.

[52:24] It's really good about a doomed relationship.

[52:26] But are there killer clowns?

[52:27] Bonnie and Clyde owes a lot to it.

[52:28] There are no killer clowns.

[52:29] And no one's ding-dong is ripped off.

[52:32] But Gun Crazy is what I'll recommend.

[52:34] All right.

[52:35] And Castle Freak.

[52:37] Hi, guys.

[52:38] I feel like we have to do a flop house about Castle Freak some one of these days.

Dan McCoy

[52:41] Well, I would love to give it another view.

[52:46] I think we should sign off so we can turn the air conditioner back on.

Stuart Wellington

[52:49] If you freak one castle this summer.

[52:52] Castle Freak 3D.

[52:54] Starring Keanu Reeves and Jeffrey Cobes.

[52:57] What?

[52:59] Which is the castle?

[53:01] Which is the freak?

[53:02] It'll be awesome.

[53:03] So, what are we talking about now?

[53:04] I'm saying goodnight.

Dan McCoy

[53:05] Okay.

[53:06] For the flop house, goodnight.

[53:07] I've been Dan McCoy.

[53:09] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[53:10] I'll check tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I'll still be Elliot Kalen.

[53:13] See you later, buddies.

[53:27] I don't care, man.

[53:28] I'll just talk.

[53:29] Let's talk for a while now.

[53:30] We'll remember it.

[53:31] Okay.

[53:31] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Stuart Wellington

[53:33] Good stuff.

[53:34] Good stuff.

[53:34] Funny stuff.

[53:35] Jokes.

[53:36] Joke-em-ups.

[53:37] Laugh-olympics.

[53:38] Laugh-olympics.

[53:40] And Olympics.

[53:41] So, once again, I need to point out.

[53:42] Wacky racers.

[53:43] I met a grown man.

[53:45] I met a human being named Rufio, and I don't think it was the character from the movie.

[53:50] It wasn't the character from the movie because he's dead.

The Flop House: Episode #82 - Drive Angry

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