The Flop House: Episode #83 - I Am Number Four

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the film that doesn't even try for the bronze, I Am Number

[0:06] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse!

[0:36] I'm Dan McCoy, I'm Stuart Wellington, and I'm Elliot Kaelin.

[0:40] I thought I'd get a little more extravagant with my introduction there.

[0:45] Yeah, I noticed you barely picked it up a notch.

[0:47] Barely.

[0:48] I think you picked it up one-seventeenth of a notch.

[0:51] Well, I'm kind of a mess right now, so I didn't really notice.

[0:54] Yeah, Stuart's been through a lot.

[0:56] He found out that he was from another planet, his hands got all glowy, he had to fight some

[1:01] aliens.

[1:02] I did that, didn't I?

[1:03] And my father figure died and turned into dust.

[1:06] He had to go to high school, get beat up by the bully.

[1:09] Yeah.

[1:10] Wow, I can't believe that.

[1:11] Why would I do that?

[1:12] I don't know.

[1:13] Why would I fight those aliens?

[1:14] Well, because they were after you.

[1:15] Oh, okay.

[1:16] So it was like a self-defense, or?

[1:17] Yes.

[1:18] Well, and you were saving the Earth from aliens.

[1:19] Well, I'm amazed that you were jumping straight into the meat of this podcast.

[1:20] Well, what are we going to do?

[1:21] Well, normally we waste our time a little bit, isn't it?

[1:22] We can waste some time.

[1:23] Is it because...

[1:24] So, Dan, what's that enchanting scent you're wearing?

[1:25] Sweat.

[1:26] I mean, is it because we were featured in the interview?

[1:27] What?

[1:28] Maybe.

[1:29] A little more pressure to be professional?

[1:30] We've had an episode up since then.

[1:31] Yeah, but this is the first time we've taped since we...

[1:32] That's true.

[1:33] ...saw the review.

[1:34] What are you talking about?

[1:35] That's true.

[1:36] We had one on the can.

[1:37] Stuart, I think you're familiar with this review...

[1:39] ...because of what it said about you, which was, in two words...

[1:40] I do have to say, listening to this interview, I think I'm going to die.

[1:41] I'm going to die.

[1:50] That's the last interview I'm going to have to tape.

[1:51] So, yeah.

[1:52] Let's talk about the podcast review...

[1:54] ...because of what it said about you, which was, in two words...

[1:55] I do have to say, listeners at home, I was looking at the internet the other day.

[2:00] Well, so you're going to pretend that you didn't know what we were talking about and

[2:06] then go into it and then talk about it like you found it?

[2:08] Yeah, I'm like a bashful guy.

[2:09] I'm really humble.

[2:10] Okay, so you're looking at the internet...

[2:11] I was looking at the internet and I happened upon...

[2:13] One internet, please.

[2:15] Yep.

[2:16] I was looking at a little review of podcasts and it just so happened that our podcast,

[2:21] The Flophouse, was reviewed and I think my favorite part was, and I quote, you guys can

[2:28] correct me if I'm wrong, equally funny Stuart Wellington.

[2:31] That's me.

[2:32] That's true.

[2:33] Stuart Welling was...

[2:34] Stuart Welling.

[2:35] Stuart was described as equally funny to me and Dan.

[2:38] So I did it.

[2:40] Stuart did it.

[2:41] I did it, guys.

[2:43] I'm just happy he's taking that as a compliment rather than an insult.

[2:46] Yeah.

[2:47] It's not so much a value judgment as just like...

[2:53] It's a big, grudging admission.

[2:54] You guys don't understand.

[2:55] You guys are professional comedy writers.

[2:57] Well, barely.

[2:58] Dan is kind of like an apprentice professional comedy writer.

[3:00] So you're like a sorcerer's apprentice of...

[3:02] I'm the Jay Baruchel of the Daily Show.

[3:04] So there's like a prophecy...

[3:05] Very accurate, yeah.

[3:06] There's a prophecy that you're someday going to be the best comedy writer of all time.

[3:10] Elliot's kind of schooling you, but he's kind of a dick about it.

[3:14] That part is true, yes.

[3:15] That is accurate.

[3:16] Yeah, that part's very accurate.

[3:17] Yeah, we were reviewed in the AV Club for The Onion and they were very flattering.

[3:21] It was an honor.

[3:22] If you haven't seen it already, which is unlikely because most of you probably arrived here

[3:28] through that.

[3:29] I could have used more photos.

[3:30] Because we got...

[3:31] Yeah, there are no photos of us, unfortunately.

[3:32] I know there's one on the website of you in a jaunty hat, Stuart.

[3:35] Sure.

[3:36] And of Dan probably dancing.

[3:37] Wait, on the AV Club?

[3:38] No, no, no.

[3:39] On the AV Club website.

[3:40] Oh, okay.

[3:41] On the AV Club website, our review was illustrated with a picture of Zach Galifianakis eating

[3:44] a piece of watermelon.

[3:45] For a second, I thought he was going to be on our podcast.

[3:48] That'd be awesome.

[3:50] The part I was proudest of was that my quote was on the top of the notable quotes for the

[3:54] week.

[3:55] That was a good quote.

[3:56] Yeah.

[3:57] I laughed when I read it, even though I'd already heard it.

[3:59] I laughed when I read our review because it did such a good job of describing the normal

[4:04] bullshit that we do on the show.

[4:07] But not sounding irritated at it.

[4:08] No, no.

[4:10] Unlike many of the vocal reviews I've heard from people.

[4:14] Sure.

[4:15] Well, those are our friends.

[4:16] They feel like they can be real dicks to us.

[4:18] Yeah.

[4:19] I mean, if they're my listeners, they're not really my friends.

[4:21] Wow.

[4:22] I need to keep a distance.

[4:23] You really put yourself above them.

[4:24] Well, I'm the artist, and they appreciate what I do.

[4:29] He's on-air talent.

[4:30] Yeah.

[4:31] Yeah.

[4:32] Well, anyway, now that we've bullshitted about ourselves for a while, we can talk about

[4:37] the movie.

[4:38] Yeah, which we never do.

[4:39] No, we're mysterious.

[4:41] That's how they know the kind of food I like, what the names of our insignificant others

[4:47] are.

[4:48] Yeah.

[4:49] And that your insignificant other, wait, wait.

[4:51] Insignificant other?

[4:52] Well, she doesn't listen to the podcast.

[4:55] That's where you're going with it.

[4:56] Yeah, that was a burn.

[4:57] So you can call her insignificant.

[4:58] Yeah.

[4:59] Well, she's not insignificant, and we will have words after this recording, gentlemen.

[5:03] But yeah, she doesn't listen to this, so.

[5:05] I mean, in height, maybe.

[5:08] I mean, she's taller than me.

[5:10] She's the same height as me.

[5:11] Whoa.

[5:12] But she's not taller than me.

[5:13] Well, if I was making a basketball team, I would probably pick her.

[5:16] Whoa.

[5:17] I'll have you know, she is very, very slow.

[5:20] Well, that's, I mean, she might be able to.

[5:22] She can't run.

[5:23] But can she shoot?

[5:24] Does she have hand-eye coordination?

[5:25] Yeah, she's very good at hand-eye.

[5:26] How is she from the outside?

[5:27] Is she good?

[5:28] Is that something?

[5:29] Wait, is that important for basketball?

[5:30] Because she's beautiful, if that's what you're asking.

[5:32] How does she look on the outside?

[5:33] No, I meant, can she hit a shot from the outside?

[5:36] Of what?

[5:38] The court.

[5:39] Wait, are you talking about photography again?

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] What are you?

[5:42] I don't know what this is.

[5:43] All right.

[5:44] That's what I mean in this movie.

[5:45] There's that girl who's way to photography.

[5:46] Let's get into the movie, shall we?

[5:47] Well, we're talking about us.

[5:48] There's this movie called I'm Number Four.

[5:49] Was that a good enough digression for you, by the way, Dan?

[5:50] That was fine.

[5:51] Okay.

[5:52] It wasn't one of our top digressions, but I'll take it.

[5:53] Well, where would you rank it?

[5:54] Like 37?

[5:55] Yeah.

[5:56] 38?

[5:57] Probably.

[5:58] Number four, perhaps?

[5:59] No, no way.

[6:00] Number four is probably Chopin Goethebals.

[6:01] No.

[6:02] The cereal.

[6:03] Porthole of Time is number one.

[6:04] Porthole of Time was ...

[6:05] Porthole of Time is number one.

[6:06] Teddy Grahams is number two.

[6:07] Teddy Grahams, I forgot about.

[6:08] That's right.

[6:09] Well, for anyone who's a new listener, these are a couple of our Flophouse favorites.

[6:10] Do you remember what episode Porthole of Time was in?

[6:11] Oh, God.

[6:13] It's on the internet.

[6:14] Go back and listen to every episode.

[6:15] You've got a lot of good ones, such as Porthole of Time, which is a monologue I did about ... based

[6:16] off of a mis ... based off of Dan's monologue.

[6:17] It's a monologue.

[6:22] the Porthole of Time, where it was the steward of a ship explaining ... of a cruise ship.

[6:43] It's the purser, I think, explaining to some guests why they should stay away from the

[6:46] porthole in their room.

[6:48] And Teddy Grahams was, of course, about the ... in World War II, when women's husband

[6:52] would be killed in war, and the government would deliver a Teddy Graham, notifying them

[6:57] of this.

[6:58] I don't even understand ... I don't know where Chopin goadables came from.

[7:04] We just started saying potent potables and, like, something notables, and Chopin goadables

[7:09] was ...

[7:10] It was a cereal, a breakfast cereal.

[7:11] It was a breakfast cereal.

[7:12] Will Hines was with us for that one, but, yeah, a breakfast cereal that, I guess, Chopin

[7:16] endorsed or invented that was goadable.

[7:19] I don't understand it myself.

[7:22] All right.

[7:23] Anyways, those are some of our top digressions.

[7:25] Now that we've taken a trip down memory lane, we can get into tonight's final judgments.

[7:31] No, no, no, no, Stuart.

[7:33] You're skipping way ahead.

[7:34] No, no.

[7:35] We've got to talk about this movie.

[7:36] I recommend the little movie called Castle Freak.

[7:38] It's about a freak that lives in a castle.

[7:40] What am I going to recommend now, Nick?

[7:43] Invisible Maniac.

[7:44] There's a freak to your head there.

[7:45] There's a mind freak on Elliot's part.

[7:48] So that was a lot of good inside jokes for the people who are coming to us for the first

[7:52] time off of the AV Club.

[7:54] Hope that intrigued you.

[7:55] That's how we build an audience.

[7:57] But the movie we watched today was a little thing called Yo Soy Numero Cuatro, or For

[8:03] the Gringos, I Am Number Four.

[8:05] Thanks.

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:07] It starred Alex Pettifer, I think was his name.

[8:11] What?

[8:12] Which is not a name.

[8:14] He's from Hertfordshire, England, and you could tell it because he had a terrible American

[8:19] accent.

[8:20] His American accent would often slip into a vaguely English accent.

[8:23] Here's my question.

[8:24] Is that a sound effect from the movie we just watched?

[8:25] No, that was your phone.

[8:28] Here's my question.

[8:29] What happened to the names of young actors?

[8:32] Pettifer, Gagandit, Meister, and Meleister.

[8:36] I mean, Zane is not a young actor.

[8:39] You did point out to me, and you might be right, that Gagandit may be a French name.

[8:43] It could be Gagandit.

[8:44] Gagandit.

[8:45] Yeah.

[8:46] Which is slightly less crazy.

[8:48] Are we complaining that people have dumb names nowadays?

[8:51] Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking.

[8:52] This is the Andy Rooney cast.

[8:53] It's when actors had names like Kirk Douglas, or like Clark Gable.

[8:58] Rock Hudson.

[8:59] Well, Rock Hudson is a dumb name.

[9:02] His name was originally Hudson Rock.

[9:04] It's what the movie Hudson Hawk is based on.

[9:06] It's why Bruce Willis' character dies of AIDS.

[9:09] Normal names like Humphrey Bogart.

[9:13] And Cary Grant.

[9:14] Okay.

[9:15] They had stupid names.

[9:16] Humphrey Bogart sounds like a tough name, but Humphrey is possibly the least tough name

[9:21] for men, next to Cam.

[9:24] Yeah.

[9:25] Gagandit.

[9:26] Anyway, the actor had a stupid name.

[9:29] Okay.

[9:30] We are introduced to Alex Pettifer and Timothy Oliphant.

[9:34] After we see a kid get stabbed.

[9:36] Oh, I forgot about that.

[9:37] It opens in a jungle somewhere, and these two guys are in a cabin.

[9:40] A kid and another guy.

[9:41] It opens outside the planet Earth.

[9:42] Yes.

[9:43] It opens like the seventh season of Buffy with random kids being stabbed, and then you realize

[9:47] that they're super powered.

[9:48] Spoiler.

[9:49] Yeah.

[9:50] I've never seen that, so thanks.

[9:51] What's Buffy?

[9:52] The internet will tell you, Stuart.

[9:53] Okay, but seriously.

[9:54] It's on the internet.

[9:55] It's that TV show that it was a non-porn parody of that porn Muffy the Vampire.

[10:00] and there have been the uh...

[10:02] so anyway we open

[10:04] uh... around side of earth we zoom in

[10:07] to a jungle

[10:08] there's a kid in a cabin with a grown man by what they do we don't know

[10:11] but the grown man has a

[10:13] stone dad has dead with a kind of glowy orb on the back of it

[10:16] probably not respect a monster comes along

[10:19] kills the guy

[10:20] chases the kid

[10:21] the kid and all sorts of crazy flips and gymnast stunts

[10:24] as dan mentioned we're watching it was like jeff goldblum's daughter in the

[10:27] lost world jurassic park too

[10:30] the monster fails to kill him but then aliens come or some kind of

[10:34] crazy looking guys they're aliens come and they stab the kid mumble something and

[10:38] stab him right

[10:39] yeah if they're like

[10:40] and take his charm necklace they take his charm necklace and stab him and he

[10:44] turns into stone and then bursts into dust

[10:47] then the title i am number four it's like a bad like uh... vampire dying

[10:51] effect from

[10:53] the aforementioned buffy

[10:55] yeah there we go

[10:57] not saying there's perfect guys buffy the vampire pair

[11:00] okay she was working accounting

[11:02] the vampire company

[11:05] people bring in their blood invoices and you pay it out

[11:08] yeah she'd say fill out this paperwork

[11:10] there you go here you are

[11:12] sorry we're going to have to deduct the cost of the bag

[11:17] not an entertaining show they're really scraping the bottom of the barrel of the

[11:19] vampire it had its moments

[11:21] well i mean it addresses like she's this young girl in the big city and has to

[11:25] i don't know

[11:26] she's got a dream of working as a vampire she has a dream of working at a

[11:30] vampire fashion magazine

[11:31] but she has to get a job in vampire accounting and then in the third season she cut her hair

[11:36] it's still better than buffy the vampire bayer

[11:39] got a woman who works at the bayer labs just making aspirin for vampires

[11:43] it's still going on

[11:45] there's more

[11:46] okay so then we meet the hero of our film

[11:48] he's a young guy

[11:50] blonde

[11:51] really buff like a real everyman we're introduced to him while riding a jet ski

[11:55] so so hard that he flips it around in the air and then lands again

[11:59] but then

[12:00] as a girl is coming out of his story as a girl is coming on to him in a late

[12:04] night beach rendezvous

[12:05] his hands and thigh get no not thighs, his calf get all glowy

[12:09] and he's like ahhh i can't control it what's happening there's glow coming out of my

[12:12] hands and then he the next day timothy oliphant is like we gotta go

[12:16] it turns out this kid is burned to the ground this kid is an alien

[12:20] and timothy oliphant is his alien warrior bodyguard

[12:24] and the two of them are on the run from bad aliens who are trying to kill all of the

[12:27] good aliens

[12:29] and the good aliens are kids who have superpowers

[12:32] and are

[12:33] indistinguishable from humans and the bad aliens except for their magic powers

[12:37] except for their glowy hands and magic powers bad aliens have tattooed heads and gills and they have a name

[12:42] that

[12:43] when shortened kind of sounds like monk which i think is on purpose because they

[12:46] wear like robes around they wear like dusters yeah and they look like they stepped

[12:49] at it they look like

[12:51] it's like give me a little bit of alienation okay now a little bit of matrix

[12:55] uh... now a little bit of road warrior a little bit of road warrior a little bit of blade 2

[13:00] okay we got our villains

[13:01] uh... but they're called uh... magadorians was that it

[13:04] i don't know

[13:05] it's just a bunch of fucking syllables it was a bunch they're like star trek aliens right

[13:10] basically in that just their heads are different and everything else is the same

[13:14] and they're a little bit stronger

[13:15] they go to timothy oliphant's like

[13:18] timothy oliphant's like there's a video of you with your glowy hands on the internet now we gotta leave

[13:23] and they drive from

[13:24] i guess florida to yeah i think they're on the keys yeah

[13:28] the franciscott keys

[13:29] sure

[13:30] that's the elise keys

[13:32] uh... and uh...

[13:33] for the young audience sure and uh... they go to

[13:36] what ohio paradise ohio paradise ohio which is ironic because it's raining

[13:41] oh that's why i guess that would be paradise for someone who likes to be moist though

[13:46] yeah like a frog

[13:47] yes

[13:48] like a battle toad

[13:50] yeah like a battle toad

[13:53] like a battle toad yeah we talked a lot about battle toads before the movie

[13:56] i mean we said the name we didn't really talk about it

[14:00] we didn't discuss how hard that speeder level was

[14:06] uh...

[14:08] that's a counter actor elise keys reference

[14:11] for the young people in the audience battle toads

[14:14] uh...

[14:15] they go to ohio and timothy oliven's like

[14:18] we're gonna live in this foreclosed house but you gotta stay invisible no one can see

[14:21] you and he's like

[14:22] screw that i'm going to school

[14:24] and because like most teenagers like most teenagers he loves going to school wants to

[14:27] go to school all the time

[14:28] uh...

[14:30] he goes to school

[14:32] and he bluffs his way into being a student at this school

[14:35] and long story short he becomes friends with the nerd he falls in love with the pretty

[14:39] girl it's basically he's basically the pretty girl who's kind of like who's kind of artsy

[14:43] takes photographs and wears hats

[14:45] the jocks don't like him because one of the jocks used to go out with the photographer

[14:49] girl before she became an

[14:51] artsy person she's played by diana agron

[14:54] she's from the television program glee and what would we know her from

[14:57] uh... nothing

[14:59] okay

[15:01] that is a popular program but not among the flop house demographic

[15:04] nope

[15:05] which we watch primarily pornos i guess

[15:08] yup that's right i think the only shows we watch are like life on top and lingerie

[15:13] big sausage pizza which i've already read

[15:15] which is not a tv show but a series of web videos

[15:19] i mean that's the way it is it's a web series it's literally a web series

[15:23] it's like saying your favorite show is brazzers

[15:26] all those shows should join the guild

[15:29] we actually frankly i mean that's probably shot in los angeles but if they were

[15:33] if you write for

[15:35] big sausage pizza or bang bus i'd like to meet them first of all

[15:39] the writers guild east is really looking to get into new media really trying to

[15:44] cover more people writing for the internet so if you're a writer and you're

[15:46] feeling exploited

[15:47] please contact the writers guild of america east

[15:50] no judgments

[15:51] we make no judgments

[15:53] so

[15:54] so he goes to this school

[15:56] it's a basic rebel without a cause

[15:58] set up where you've got

[16:00] the alienated young guy and his girlfriend who used to be a popular girl

[16:04] and his friend who's a nerd that people make fun of

[16:07] the salmonella character

[16:12] basically there's a whole bunch of nonsense where they're

[16:15] teenagers and they're hanging out and they get into fights and blah blah blah and then the aliens come by

[16:19] and they kill timothee olefant and they're on the run

[16:23] yeah it's like warrior bodyguard gets killed and it's the saddest part

[16:28] he has that moment of the father figure dying

[16:29] yeah this happens about

[16:31] an hour and ten minutes into the movie

[16:34] a lot of the characters just hanging around the high school mumbling to each

[16:38] other and

[16:39] acting like what they're doing is interesting he finds out he has magic hands

[16:43] this is your basic template this is

[16:46] uh... harry potter by way of twilight by way of star wars little spider-man

[16:50] thrown in there little spider-man

[16:51] little spider-man

[16:54] and yet his powers are that he has telekinetic powers basically

[16:57] but his hands are also all glowy and he has super strength and he can flip around

[17:02] elliot took to calling him glowy hands in the movie that's a superhero name

[17:05] yeah glowy hands

[17:06] yeah i mean that's like a marvel character right it should be

[17:10] yeah well for most of the movie

[17:11] he's just using his glowy hands like flashlights he just uses them to illuminate

[17:15] oh it's dark in here i gotta use my glowy hands it's actually not that dark dude

[17:19] i mean you're just showing off at this point

[17:23] now is glowy hands time to shine

[17:26] it's not but it should be i mean it's a little complicated

[17:31] there's nobody else there sketchface can be as long as he wants just him wandering around empty rooms

[17:35] yeah but i mean that's not going to catch on like i couldn't see somebody wearing a t-shirt

[17:38] that says that well we'll take up the whole shirt

[17:41] how about flame on

[17:43] no that's taken i think that's taken

[17:45] shine on shine on you crazy diamond okay we got it

[17:48] that's a sketchface

[17:49] guys

[17:50] i'm number four too

[17:53] wait that's confusing

[17:54] well his sketchface will be

[17:56] let there be light and light pours out of his palms

[18:00] no i mean these are all better than your first suggestion

[18:03] now is glowy hands time to shine i thought that was a pretty good catchphrase

[18:07] and he says his name that takes up some time

[18:09] yeah i mean he has to introduce himself and reintroduce the I.P.

[18:13] his costume has a big G.H. on the front but people don't know what that stands for

[18:17] i think it's for general hospital

[18:19] yes i mean

[18:21] i'd assume

[18:22] so yeah but uh... he literally just uses his hands as uh... flashlights

[18:27] for most of the film

[18:28] he blinds a guy with them right? well he beats up a lot of people

[18:32] and hurts them badly

[18:34] but he like there's a guy there's a kid

[18:36] who's fighting him who has

[18:38] night vision goggles on

[18:40] and he puts his glowy hands that's like the perfect prey for a glowy hand

[18:44] that's the sweet spot

[18:45] that's right in there you're just giving my one weakness bright lights

[18:49] and he puts his glowy hands up against the guy's face and the guy's like

[18:53] i can't close my eyes that's what the dialogue is like for some reason

[18:56] yeah he's the perfect target he's like minka kelly's character in the roommate for a

[18:59] roofie enthusiast yeah because she'll just put anything in her mouth and swallow it down

[19:04] no questions asked

[19:05] but at the end of the movie uh...

[19:07] number six shows up number six throughout the movie you've occasionally seen

[19:12] this mysterious girl

[19:14] blowing up stuff or tracking down number four i think she must be a bad guy

[19:18] because she's got leather pants and she's like

[19:20] walks away from explosion real slow early on

[19:24] that's a role for nicholas cage to be honest with you

[19:26] but it turns out to be a different person

[19:29] yeah i mean it's not except for here they got an attractive young girl instead of nicholas cage

[19:33] too tiny she was too petite

[19:34] she was apparently the love interest in sorcerer's apprentice i looked her up on the internet

[19:39] which we just saw recently but i didn't i didn't actually didn't recognize her

[19:43] well she had her uh... she's apparently australian

[19:46] she has a more convincing american accent than uh... than our lead but she also just

[19:50] becomes the character when she's playing it

[19:53] well she puts on leather pants i really believe she was number six because basically

[19:57] you really believe she was wearing leather pants oh and also

[20:00] there's a lizard that turns into a dog and becomes number four's pet dog and at

[20:03] the end he's a big monster who fights evil monsters.

[20:06] Yeah. This is the kind of movie... He's a chimera who's been the bodyguard.

[20:10] This is the kind of movie where the movie where

[20:13] the problem could have been solved much earlier if the cool characters had just

[20:17] shown up and beaten up the bad guys.

[20:19] But the movie instead has all this crap about a high school and Timothy Olyphant

[20:24] and number four and blah blah blah. Yeah, you're wondering why you're not wanting to show about the cool characters instead of...

[20:28] And then at the end number six comes in and is way more badass than number four

[20:32] and more likable, frankly. I didn't really like the character. I mean, I couldn't really understand what you were saying, but the other guy just mumbled the whole time.

[20:38] The main guy was not charismatic. It's a movie that's trying to kill its screenplay.

[20:41] Yeah. I mean, he was a muscly, like, dour, like, young guy, so I'm sure for, like, young ladies...

[20:47] He is, as you said, he's super cut. He's shredded like lettuce. He's nipped to the tween girls, I'm sure.

[20:52] I guarantee you they cast this movie by flipping through an Abercrombie

[20:56] catalog. I mean, that one, that one, Timothy Olyphant, that one.

[21:00] Yeah. I mean, he's just in really good shape. Like, I want to, like, he must do a lot of cardio.

[21:04] You just want to rub your hands over and just, like, feel the ripples.

[21:07] Well, kind of, yeah. I mean, it's like a work of art.

[21:10] It's like Ruffles have ridges, and so does this guy.

[21:13] He has tiny ridges all over his body, just like Ruffles.

[21:17] Wait, is that one of his powers?

[21:19] Yes, he's ridgy. They call him Ruffles. Glowy Hands Ruffles.

[21:23] I don't know why I am...

[21:24] Hello, Ruffles Glowy Hands at your service.

[21:27] Gentleman thief.

[21:30] Quickest cat burglar in all of Brighton.

[21:34] I don't know, I don't know why it's important for me to clarify this,

[21:37] but, like, I brought up number six in part to say that the glowy hands,

[21:40] his glowy hands power weren't just glowyness. It's the, he apparently can charge.

[21:46] Oh, yeah.

[21:46] He can use the glowing to charge her powers.

[21:49] Her powers, which are like, she's basically Nightcrawler.

[21:51] Yeah.

[21:52] She can dodge around and fast and teleport.

[21:54] There's sort of like a symbiotic relationship between the numbers.

[21:58] Yeah, and when we say number six, I don't want you to get your hopes up.

[22:01] It is not Patrick McGowan's number six from The Prisoner, which would have been awesome.

[22:05] That would have been awesome.

[22:06] As anyone who's a Prisoner fan knows, Patrick McGowan is great in The Prisoner,

[22:11] but also the Prisoner character number six is a belligerent jerk to everyone he meets,

[22:15] and he cannot control the volume of his own voice.

[22:18] So I wish he had shown up. That would have been great.

[22:20] Well, he's, you know, he's a human being.

[22:23] Yeah, not an alien. And he also died a couple years ago.

[22:25] Well, not a number.

[22:26] He's a free man.

[22:28] That's the thing.

[22:28] Yeah, they couldn't bring, like, a dead body back to put him into the movie.

[22:32] I don't know. Weekend at Bernie's did it.

[22:34] That guy died during the making of the movie, and they had to change the plot.

[22:36] Wait, really?

[22:37] To accommodate it. Oh, yeah.

[22:38] Like in the show?

[22:39] Yes.

[22:40] Wait, wait, the guy, so the actual, like, the Bernie, the dead guy from Bernie.

[22:44] Which he died.

[22:45] Not Andrew McCarthy.

[22:46] Originally.

[22:48] Wait, they didn't make a puppet out of Andrew McCarthy's skin.

[22:50] That they did.

[22:52] Actually, it was a stuntman wearing it.

[22:54] They couldn't do the computer stuff they did for the Crow.

[22:56] So they had Kevin McCarthy do all the lines.

[22:58] They skinned Andrew McCarthy.

[23:00] And they had Kevin McCarthy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

[23:03] A middle-aged actor, Kevin McCarthy, come in.

[23:06] Middle-aged?

[23:07] Well, I mean, at that point, he was.

[23:08] That's a little charitable.

[23:09] He was in his 60s.

[23:10] Really?

[23:10] I mean, I guess I'm thinking of him in Twilight Zone the movie,

[23:14] which was still 10 years earlier.

[23:16] I mean, nowadays, 60s is almost middle-aged.

[23:18] That's true.

[23:19] 60 is the new 40.

[23:20] That's true.

[23:21] And 40 is the new 20, according to Cougar Town.

[23:24] Cougar Town, Massachusetts.

[23:26] So I'm 15.

[23:27] Yes.

[23:28] Weekend at Bernie's was originally, and I'm nine years old.

[23:31] Weekend at Bernie's was originally about, uh-oh, we've got to go to Bernie's.

[23:35] He told me to bring my friend.

[23:37] I thought he meant just my roommate, but he meant my boyfriend.

[23:40] So we've got to pretend we're gay now.

[23:42] But then the guy playing Bernie died.

[23:44] So they changed it into where you have to pretend Bernie is gay.

[23:46] It was like a Blake Edwards movie initially.

[23:48] Yes, exactly.

[23:49] I made it all up.

[23:52] It was originally called Weekend at Hernia's.

[23:56] It's retarded.

[23:57] I'm making up for the last time.

[23:59] Look, it's late, okay?

[24:01] We're talking about I'm number four.

[24:04] But there's a big fight at the end, and the number four wins, and all the other guys win.

[24:08] The good guys win, and then ride off to find the other numbers, the other magazine.

[24:12] Ride off into a sequel that will not happen.

[24:15] Yes.

[24:16] Yeah, this is all the opening for a bigger story, right?

[24:21] Yeah, well, I-

[24:22] Can we talk about the back story of this, which is much more interesting than the-

[24:26] Yeah.

[24:27] Yeah, do you know this?

[24:28] I mean, I know it vaguely.

[24:30] Like James Fry, the guy who did A Million Little Pieces, the famously false memoir.

[24:37] The book that fooled Oprah.

[24:39] He has his sort of-

[24:41] It's like a fiction factor.

[24:43] Where, yeah, he barely pays young writers to churn out these books that he thinks might

[24:49] become franchise hits.

[24:51] Franchises, or movie ideas, or things like that.

[24:54] It's very much like a Cowboys and Aliens type thing, where they print up a comic just that

[24:59] they can say that the movie is based on the comic.

[25:02] To add some credibility to a wacky movie.

[25:05] Yes, so like these are books that are designed to become franchise adapted events.

[25:11] It's not meant to stand alone on its own as a book.

[25:13] Or as a good piece of writing.

[25:16] Yes.

[25:16] Sure.

[25:17] But yeah, but James Fry, apparently he pays the writers very little.

[25:20] They're young people just trying to get into writing.

[25:23] And they churn them out, I assume under pseudonyms, but I'm not sure about that.

[25:27] The same way that like the old Shadow or Doc Savage books were all written mostly by the

[25:32] same guy, but not always.

[25:34] But they were written under the same pseudonym, no matter who was writing it.

[25:37] Or like how whoever drew Batman for the first 20 some odd years Batman existed,

[25:41] signed the name Bob Kane, even though Bob Kane hadn't touched a pen in decades.

[25:45] Or how Carl Barks was only known as the good duck artist.

[25:48] Well, that's the opposite.

[25:49] He was not allowed to sign any name.

[25:51] Yeah.

[25:51] Man.

[25:52] And it's opposite because he was good at what he did.

[25:55] But this has been nerd talk.

[25:56] The nerd gang.

[25:57] This has always been nerd talk.

[25:59] Too bad this bad movie podcast got a little nerdy.

[26:02] No, but I mean, you know, this is not to say that, you know, good, you know, fun,

[26:09] good art can be cannot be made under certain genre restrictions.

[26:15] But I think this explains a lot of today talking about they live.

[26:19] Yeah.

[26:20] So, but I think this explains why this movie feels so much like just the most

[26:28] boilerplate version of the story.

[26:30] Very rote, very boilerplate by the numbers.

[26:32] It's like like we're saying, like a little bit of Harry Potter, a little bit of Spider-Man,

[26:36] a little bit of, you know, what?

[26:38] Other alien stuff, X-Men, like just throw it all into the pot and do the same story that

[26:43] you've seen 100 times before and get some stupid person to pay $4.99 to watch it on

[26:48] demand on their television to do a bad about it.

[26:51] Wait a.

[26:54] What I'm saying is don't just walk to see.

[26:58] I mean, you're saying I should have sprung the extra dollar to watch it in HD like I did.

[27:03] Did you spend another dollar for HD?

[27:05] Look, I I'm I'm a high end video file.

[27:08] Elliott, I can't I can't spend all this money on his home entertainment system to not watch

[27:13] it in jaw dropping HD.

[27:14] It was jaw drop.

[27:16] The glowy really came through.

[27:18] You could really see the glowy coming out of the glowiest.

[27:21] Here's something that I want to say.

[27:23] So say it.

[27:25] Stopping you.

[27:28] No, I have to have a preamble that delays it.

[27:29] Does this mean that most of the things you say are things you don't want to say?

[27:32] So many things.

[27:33] There's a difference.

[27:34] Here's something I want to say.

[27:36] No, you know, the end of the movie I didn't hate this.

[27:40] Like when action started, I thought the action sequence was actually handled pretty well.

[27:43] The fight at the end, it was a little frantic, but there were some fun that there's a giant

[27:47] bat monster that fought a dog.

[27:49] I like the monster stuff.

[27:50] The monsters were pretty good.

[27:51] Those were well designed monsters, frankly.

[27:54] Yeah, and this is rare.

[27:55] They moved like monster, like living monsters.

[27:58] And it wasn't as frantic as a lot of action movies are these days.

[28:02] I mean, there was a little bit more of a sense of I could have used slightly more variety

[28:06] between the good monster and the bad monster.

[28:08] But ultimately, it was like a bad monster was like a dog monster.

[28:12] Yeah, but when they're rolling around like biting each other, it was a room that was

[28:16] in a dimly lit room, I assumed to make the effects look better.

[28:19] They're fighting.

[28:20] And I was looking at my phone most of the time.

[28:22] They're fighting in the shower of a gym locker room.

[28:25] They're fighting at the school.

[28:26] Like in the opening of Savage Streets.

[28:28] Yeah, or the opening of Carrie, except it's not fighting.

[28:31] It's just the showers.

[28:33] Yeah, well, they threw tampons at her.

[28:36] That's kind of like fighting.

[28:37] That's fighting.

[28:37] I mean, yeah, those are bullying weapons.

[28:40] Bullying is no joke.

[28:41] But the final climax takes place.

[28:43] Cyberbullying.

[28:45] Let's stop it for PSA right now.

[28:47] Cyber tampons.

[28:48] What a lot of people don't know is Dan said some insensitive things about tampon throwing.

[28:53] Really got people up in arms.

[28:54] So he has to do a PSA now about it.

[28:56] I was really pro tampon throwing in the past.

[28:58] And now I've been shown that it's wrong.

[28:59] Yeah.

[29:00] So I'm sorry.

[29:04] I mean, they don't fly very well.

[29:05] They're not.

[29:06] They're not aerodynamic.

[29:07] Yeah, you just throw a ball or something.

[29:10] Or a rock.

[29:13] Hey guys, just throw a ball to somebody.

[29:17] Don't throw a tampon at somebody.

[29:19] Oh, we'll play.

[29:24] I don't even know what's going on anymore.

[29:26] You got out of rabbit hole.

[29:27] Yeah, I didn't go down with you, though.

[29:29] I'm still I'm at I'm on ground level yelling down to the hole.

[29:31] Where'd you guys go?

[29:33] Can you come out, please?

[29:34] Hey, you come down here.

[29:36] No, I don't think so.

[29:38] We're talking about the end of the movie.

[29:39] The climax of the movie takes place at the high school for some reason.

[29:42] They just destroy it.

[29:43] All the lockers are being thrown around.

[29:45] You got telekinetic powers.

[29:46] You got teleporting powers.

[29:47] School's out for summer and forever.

[29:50] They rip up the football field.

[29:51] The problem is there's not a lot of variety with the bad aliens.

[29:55] They all have these giant guns that look like they came out of the fifth element that shoot red lasers.

[30:00] And they just kind of stand around shooting lasers until one of the good guys kills them

[30:03] Yeah, they're not usually usually the good guys team up and kill one dude

[30:07] Yeah, but they build these guys up these bad guys up as if they're super tough and scary

[30:11] But then they're not really that hard to take down although. I do like how kind of goofy

[30:15] They get when we finally meet them. They you know stupid well the movie kind of realized that

[30:23] Okay

[30:24] This is very humorless film, so let's make these

[30:28] Aliens kind of thanks in part to the amazing performances by our leads. Yeah

[30:33] Well, I guess they were kind of drugged up most of it. I'm kind of mad

[30:37] They were in a movie with the Oliphant who I normally love was pretty boring

[30:42] I mean once he loved him in that show justify your love sure ever since he cut it like no replays Madonna

[30:48] He had that really cool haircut at the beginning of the movie, and then he cut it off

[30:51] And I think that really ruined it for Stewart. Yeah, then he cut off his long beach bum hair

[30:55] From the beginning all it well. You know when he was uh he was fighting. He's good at that stuff. Yeah

[31:03] So that was something

[31:06] Not very good

[31:07] Is the problem is with the villains being like jokey is that you see that a lot like the villain like likes to play?

[31:12] Around the people he's about to kill and make jokes and wise wise him cracks

[31:17] It's not it's been a long time since you saw like a solemn villain that was really scary well right after watching drive angry where?

[31:23] The lead is Nicolas Cage, and his most stone-faced yeah, and the bad guy

[31:29] In the form of the like the devil character is you know kind of making jokes and acting funny the accountant you mean yeah

[31:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's I mean just feels like the same thing over and over yeah, but not as good

[31:42] Well, yeah, I mean that was William like

[31:45] Feichner and these were a bunch of Romulans

[31:48] Basically yeah

[31:50] With with face face gills face gills and the best

[31:54] I think my favorite part of the movie is so they have this giant bat monster that they just truck around them to giant bat

[31:59] Monsters they just truck around the country in a big truck

[32:01] And they have feed it tons and tons of huge of uncooked butterball turkeys

[32:06] And there's a scene where one of the aliens goes into a grocery store with his hoodie flipped up and just gets a gets a cart

[32:12] full of turkeys

[32:14] buys them and

[32:16] Buys them and then goes and feeds the monster with them presumably was Facebook, and I just love like with space

[32:22] Yeah, he got space books space books from his astro bank

[32:25] And you or you used his space debit card, but I love the idea that these are these super tough aliens

[32:31] But they still have to buy their groceries at the store

[32:33] There's a part where they're driving along the road

[32:35] And they slow down just enough to show their true hideous face to a fat kid in the car next door

[32:41] Like in the other lane, and then they're like ha ha okay speed up

[32:44] I have expected that fat kid to like smash his ice cream into his face

[32:48] He's so scared or like or pull out of wheezes soda pops a lot of flask and goes never again and throw it over his shoulder

[32:56] Drunk fat kid so maybe I do like the the bad guys actually yeah

[33:00] They have to go to the grocery store to buy turkeys

[33:02] And they like to they like to slow down enough to scare fat kids so Elliot stance and dance dance and Stewart stance on the

[33:08] Bad guys thumbs up thumbs up well everything else though

[33:11] I would rather hang out with the bad guys than anyone else in this movie. Yeah, I mean

[33:16] They didn't speak very clear English. No everyone mumbled in this movie

[33:20] This is a really cool dusters. Yes, they like a party Stewart. This was the first true

[33:25] This was the first mumble core big-budget sci-fi movie. I think I've ever seen yeah

[33:31] Not good mixing

[33:35] Final judgment yeah

[33:38] Was this a good bad movie a bad bad movie yes, or a movie you kind of liked Elliot says the bad bad

[33:43] I would say bad, but it was very boring and slow and felt like any one of a thousand better movies

[33:47] Yeah, Stewart. I'll agree if they'd maybe if it had just been all monster fights. I've been more interesting certainly

[33:54] It's just like how Jonah Hicks the best part of it was that snake man that you saw very briefly

[34:02] Almost any movie is better with monster fights in it

[34:05] Yeah, this is a bad bad movie, and I'll tell you the main reason why

[34:08] for the first just said not enough monster for the first

[34:12] two thirds of the film

[34:14] They dole out information very slowly as if you've never seen this movie before and aren't already ahead of it

[34:20] And then they cram everything that might be interesting into the like last third. Yeah, that's true

[34:25] They it's it reminds me of drive angry in a way where it was like the characters are gonna

[34:30] Are gonna be a state of mystery, but like it's pretty obvious

[34:33] What's going on like they should just say get it. He's a helmet. Yeah. He's a hell, man here. This guy's an alien kid

[34:39] Well, it's weird is that he tells you in the opening narration. I'm an alien

[34:43] Yeah, but then they withhold like what why does he have powers like what are the aliens do you never find out?

[34:49] Why do the other bad aliens hate him you never find out why the bad aliens are specifically after him you never find out where?

[34:54] He came like they need the protector. He's like he's got the power to like and he's all about Facebook

[34:59] He is all over the Facebook and the YouTube

[35:03] It's not worth the debating further

[35:05] So I'm moving us on Wow half a wormy boner McCoy has spoken. So, uh

[35:17] Letter time, let's read some letters and talk about them getting in touch with the fans

[35:23] What do they think letters letters letters?

[35:27] So let's read some letters tonight

[35:30] Tonight's the night for letters. Let's get some letters and read. Okay, read them and weep with laughter

[35:39] letters

[35:45] Theme down that is yeah, it's only like 10th. I hear it on the on the show. It seems much longer

[35:54] We've been working on that for letters and letters and letters

[35:58] The idea no numbers here just letters so first off

[36:03] letters

[36:04] This is just a donation

[36:07] well, I want to say thank you for a donation and

[36:12] The two the donors to us. No, I mean who was the donor?

[36:15] Well, who's getting the thank you?

[36:17] He says my donation to the flop house is officially from the Eric Marcizak and his future wife foundation. Oh, that's very nice

[36:25] Thank you

[36:27] Sandman, yes, that is Eric Marcizak the star of the movie Sandman, which I highly recommend you want to see it on Netflix. It's

[36:34] S&P sand man, man. It's a really good movie. So we had a real Hollywood star donate money to us

[36:41] That's really nice. So other Hollywood stars

[36:43] Nicholas Cage, I think it's time to start opening up those fat wallets. Come on, Nicholas Cage liquidate one of your German castles and

[36:51] castle

[36:52] Give us the money. We're keeping your career alive. So

[36:56] this

[36:57] Email is from Kurt last name with health and he says I started

[37:02] Skirt loader. Absolutely. I started listening to the flop house a few days ago and I've been enjoying it very much

[37:07] I wanted to pick up on a remark Elliot made on the drive angry in 3d rated our podcast

[37:14] And a tangent about Muppets tonight Elliot said that Clifford was a quote Rastafarian baboon

[37:20] I believe that Clifford if he's intended to be any animal is alleged to be a catfish and he has a link to Wikipedia page

[37:28] about Clifford the Muppet catfish

[37:31] and I have to say I looked at the I looked at the

[37:34] Photo of Clifford and he does appear to have catfish whiskers

[37:38] I always assume that those that I always assume that that was a mustache. Yeah. Well, it plays both ways

[37:45] So I guess I'm the real racist here. Yeah, I

[37:48] Apologize the late Jim Henson and his production. Well, that was you're the racist one, right?

[37:56] One oh, that's right, and I'm the party animal

[38:05] Made up negative qualities on us. Sometimes my partying gets out of hand. Okay, but not

[38:18] Racist the other is a party animal not seem fair. That's unbalanced. Well, okay

[38:23] Well Kurt goes on to say incidentally, I haven't gone through your catalog completely

[38:27] But I've noticed that most of the titles you've talked about have been more or less major movie releases

[38:31] Yes, have you spent much time on such new cult films as the room birdemic shock and tear and other films so bad

[38:36] They're essentially unreleasable. No, we have not

[38:40] We've got any personal time. Yeah. Yeah, we've spent a lot of personal. We've wasted a lot of time

[38:45] I've seen birdemic I think three times and most of the movie is the shots of people driving

[38:51] The room I've seen any night. I don't know how many times but I feel like those movies are kind of taken care of

[38:56] Yeah, and also places for that. Yeah, we'll let the how did this get mazes of the world?

[39:02] It is also like kicking a lame dog. Yeah

[39:09] Well, you're not lame the dog is lame, okay

[39:12] Yeah, well, yeah, it's they they everyone kind of knows they're bad and why they're bad and you know

[39:18] We'll we'll take on the people who?

[39:20] Earn enough money that we hate them

[39:21] Yeah for making these crappy movies the true villains because say what you will that Tommy was oh

[39:26] He has not seen a penny from the room. Yeah, and probably never will. Well, he's also a real auteur

[39:31] Yes, he's a real auteur. Yeah, and we actually is a realtor

[39:34] We would actually probably enjoy watching those types of movies as opposed to the ones we find ourselves

[39:40] Yeah, I'd much rather watch the room or Birdemic shock and terror than I am number four. Yeah or the roommate

[39:46] Yeah, oof, or what was the one?

[39:48] Where where was it would be and I didn't see gooby. I missed it 10,000 BC 10,000 BC was the worst with the spear

[39:54] But whiteout was that was one of the you know, that was the worst

[39:57] Spear tooths and the Mannix. Yeah, it's

[40:00] and doesn't be see everyone's gonna speak normal English

[40:03] someone to change what people call mammoths the call a man

[40:05] X now you feel like you're in a far-off ancient wonderland

[40:10] now you feel like you're watching a cop show Max

[40:14] would yes you're a man it's for old people

[40:17] yeah I'll make more Alicia Keys references for you so is the

[40:21] this is titled my favorite bet new bad movie podcast and says

[40:27] dear Paul I've been following your career for a long time

[40:30] you see be the human joy a minute let me tell you I think this is my favorite

[40:33] project yours

[40:34] your bad movie podcast I start the web up and down like a spider and I can't

[40:38] even find any other bad movie podcast

[40:40] which makes what you're doing truly unique as a mixture wife and Jason

[40:44] Mantzoukas

[40:45] and along with your a list comedy guess that's a recipe for a humorous souffle

[40:49] one which can never collapse any other bad movie podcast actually do exist and

[40:54] I highly doubt it

[40:55] I can't imagine that would be as entertaining as yours

[40:57] I've enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope if you could please send me a

[41:00] season one DVD set of Human Giant signed by the cast it would be appreciated

[41:04] thanks much and that's from Andy last name without

[41:08] so I think that it went to the wrong place

[41:11] they've clearly who's Paul either we've got a modern-day Jonathan Swift on our

[41:16] hands writing some sets here

[41:18] or else that email somehow went to the wrong

[41:22] email address change the wrong to belong to all they must have just

[41:26] written bad movie podcast on the envelope

[41:28] and it got sent to us yeah the same way how in like 1904 you could just draw a

[41:32] picture of glasses and teeth

[41:34] on envelope and it would get sent to Teddy Roosevelt yes

[41:37] and today

[41:40] the a big smile okay so

[41:44] more and more letters we do what are the letters for Paul Shearer do we have to

[41:47] answer

[41:48] dig deep into that mailbag and we have one more with one last letter

[41:52] it says last letter of the letter segment

[41:56] last letter of the night I know I agree to let him say

[42:00] last say you heard that last letter I mean he's been working on it a long time

[42:04] last on and on the last letter

[42:09] last letter well no I mean that's part of it is the flow of likely flows

[42:12] after this one doesn't it no more letters to the next pod show

[42:17] letters for none letters for all last

[42:20] letter to night

[42:24] this is a Dan and the rest of the people don't let it go

[42:27] that last letter to you know it is on your heart

[42:31] damn forever the last letter

[42:35] don't go on let letter

[42:38] okay we have lost all of our new listeners so we don't gain like a

[42:42] thousand new listeners

[42:43] as a list the those the words kids like glee dude

[42:49] yeah those words you're gonna listen to that

[42:51] leaks are gonna love that somebody just poked their head in and said

[42:55] congratulations just recorded your first number one hit

[42:58] it was a yes I'm glad I'm on it that means he's cool

[43:02] okay or blind the sinker

[43:06] yeah kids love interruptions last letter

[43:09] says Dan kids hate interruptions Dan and that's all they do

[43:13] little phones and sticker

[43:17] shoes with the lights on in the wheels okay so there's no more letters go

[43:20] already does let it go on Dan I'm sorry a

[43:23] candy cigarettes

[43:27] the stickers yes

[43:30] Dan the rest of the peaches which by the way is the correct way to refer

[43:34] to Elliot and Stewart the rest the original original podcast title

[43:38] I'm the only one who deserves my actual name to be used

[43:42] because you're not a peach just discover the pair

[43:45] the podcast to the AV clubs write-up saying through

[43:49] most the back cataloging equally await new episodes

[43:52] I'm since you guys are enjoying it since you guys are the arbiters of what

[43:57] spookily bad or one-and-a-half owners

[44:00] were me bonus I

[44:04] humility yeah those were those are never good voters I wanted you guys to help

[44:07] settle an argument I've had with a friend my friend argues there are no

[44:10] movies that are quote bad

[44:12] and that any evaluation a movie is based on arbitrary beliefs

[44:15] and unique lots of life experiences of the viewer he argues that even a movie's

[44:19] poor technical quality can make a movie bad

[44:21] because some people prefer poor production values as a type of art

[44:25] I disagree and believe that some art whether it's movies books or music can

[44:30] be better than other art without sounding too snobby

[44:33] there's some objective truth that Shakespeare taps into that it's kept

[44:36] around for 400 years

[44:38] while other works have fallen away

[44:40] his argument is more logical and it's hard for me to argue my points

[44:43] but it just doesn't feel right to say 10,000 BC

[44:46] is as good as a Coen Brothers movie anyway be happy to hear your thoughts

[44:50] as good as like the Lady Killers

[44:52] mmm

[44:55] and Tom of Cruelty no that's a great movie

[44:58] anyway Dan if you'd finish the letter please but even if you don't get around to it

[45:02] thanks for the podcast keep up the good work

[45:04] Mike last name withheld well thanks for starting to listen to the show Mike and we're

[45:07] glad you're enjoying it so much

[45:08] and you are right tell that song yeah

[45:11] yeah when that song came on Mike was probably like this is the best podcast

[45:15] I've ever heard

[45:17] this is my ringtone now

[45:21] wait what's a ringtone? I might actually put that as my ringtone

[45:24] are you a young person or an old person? I can never figure that out

[45:27] I mix it up every time I get a call from Elliot I'll hear that irritating song

[45:31] last letter tonight

[45:33] uh pick up the phone I think that

[45:37] there was a

[45:38] Roger Ebert had a quote I can't remember the specific but I think he was talking

[45:41] he said thumbs down

[45:43] yep I can't remember what he was saying about but

[45:46] he said something like I'm not going to review Human Centipede

[45:50] there was uh I think it was uh that movie

[45:54] what's what's the movie that was a gangster film that had uh

[45:58] Sean Connery and Matthew Broderick no

[46:01] Sean Connery and Matthew Broderick yeah I think it was

[46:05] like it's like career opportunities or something like or not no that's a

[46:09] that's a clash song that's no it's a it's a comedy

[46:12] I can't remember uh family business or something like that

[46:17] there was a there was a terrible uh

[46:20] gangster film that clearly has lived through time because I can't even

[46:23] remember the name of it but uh there was a uh there was a

[46:27] reviewer who said that it was better than The Godfather

[46:30] and Roger Ebert said to him sometimes matters of opinion

[46:34] shade over into errors of fact and I think that's very nice

[46:37] there's some things that are objectively better and

[46:41] it doesn't you know like obviously personal preference can come into it

[46:46] there are movies that I recognize are good movies while still not

[46:50] particularly enjoying them yeah and you can have both

[46:53] feelings in your head at the same time if you're not an idiot like your friend

[46:58] wow wow I've turned I've turned on them okay I'll take over from here

[47:01] uh yes there are movies that are there are some movies that are just bad

[47:06] even if and there are movies that people like a lot that are not very good

[47:09] and it doesn't mean that uh they're good I used to have this art I

[47:15] actually used to have used to have this very same argument a lot

[47:17] with my college roommate uh late in the night when Star Trek Voyager was over

[47:22] and there was nothing to talk about except subjective versus objective

[47:26] experience and I always came down to the side of you

[47:29] can there are some standards that you can judge by not everything is

[47:32] subjective Voyager was the one with Odo on it right

[47:35] no that was uh was it that I don't remember no that was Deep Star Six

[47:40] Deep Star Six Voyager was the one with Lady Captain Jane

[47:44] Way okay and uh and they would voyage a lot

[47:49] okay but uh yeah no I think your friend is wrong

[47:53] it's hard to disprove it but you can say that

[47:57] if someone there's nobody I don't think there's anyone who's like I like movies

[48:01] that are made bad because they tell me they're more truthful the people who say

[48:05] they people like bad movies usually like to laugh at them

[48:08] even if they say there's something realer about them they're still laughing

[48:10] at them in a way or they enjoy not having themselves taxed which is not

[48:15] always a bad well that's that's not the same as it like a poorly produced movie

[48:19] and a dumb movie are not the same thing

[48:21] necessarily but but I think that it enters into the

[48:25] same uh the same conversation you know like a

[48:29] bad movie like I am number four um which no one likes is aggressively

[48:34] mediocre like I could see someone well like a like a kid enjoying it just

[48:40] because it hits because it was just like bright colors and

[48:42] lights yeah and he's got his baseball cap on backwards and

[48:45] but that kid is wrong okay and should be punished

[48:49] so he should turn the hat around yep to protect his face

[48:53] from the shame that's what a baseball cap's for for blocking out shame

[48:57] okay baseball cap is for telling people what team you like for blocking out uv

[49:01] shame rays they can give you shame cancer okay this is straight well anyway

[49:06] this has been a not very satisfying answer to your question

[49:09] but uh I think you're right what do you think Stuart uh personally if somebody

[49:13] started making that argument with me I would laugh and then

[49:15] try and change the subject so Stuart is pleasant and conflict averse

[49:20] yeah well I just think that's a stupid argument and that's a type of argument

[49:24] that somebody would have with me that I wouldn't want to be involved in

[49:26] so I'd start talking about uh my favorite x-men characters you say

[49:30] whatever dude or why uh what wasn't that a great episode

[49:34] when alpha had to uh help deliver that baby in the elevator

[49:38] I thought now you think of Zack Morris no I thought it was Alf maybe they both

[49:41] did it at the same time oh crossover it was the same so who are

[49:44] your favorite x-men characters I said Riley Chaney the intergalactic

[49:47] rock star absolutely um Mojo yep Mojo and uh Forge the guy who can

[49:54] invent anything the guy whose mutant superpower is that he's

[49:57] a good inventor he's also a shaman he is the

[50:00] He has the same mutant power as Thomas Edison.

[50:04] And it's wasted on fixing the Blackbird all the time.

[50:09] So, comics talk.

[50:12] You're listening to comics talk, the comics podcast disguised as a bad movie podcast.

[50:18] The most complicated Trojan horse podcast out there.

[50:21] So thanks for all the letters, guys.

[50:23] Yeah, thanks for all the letters.

[50:24] Let's hope you're still listening after this awesome episode.

[50:27] What else do we do now?

[50:29] Well, it hasn't been one of our huge triumphs, but...

[50:32] It's okay.

[50:33] For anyone who's just coming in, coming off the AV Club, and this is your first episode...

[50:37] Are we supposed to feel bad about ourselves?

[50:39] Let them make their own decisions about it.

[50:41] Let's not sell ourselves out.

[50:43] Okay, you can cut this part out.

[50:46] But not the song. Leave the song. Don't edit the song out.

[50:49] The song should extend. Loop it. Loop the song.

[50:52] Look.

[50:53] Throw in a beat.

[50:54] I'll do a couple more verses.

[50:55] I'll just loop the song under the whole podcast.

[50:58] Just erase our voices. Just keep the song.

[51:03] Do a movie minute that's actually 30 minutes of just the song.

[51:06] Okay.

[51:07] It'll be bigger than Ziggy.

[51:08] All right.

[51:09] So, Stuart, you're asking what we do now?

[51:12] Yeah, what's next?

[51:13] You are a very forgetful person.

[51:15] Sure.

[51:16] You forget the segments of the podcast.

[51:17] Even though you've done almost 100 of them now.

[51:19] So now do we talk about movies we actually like?

[51:22] Holy shit.

[51:23] Perfect.

[51:24] In a summer filled with hot superhero movies,

[51:28] the movie I want to recommend is Sam Raimi's Darkman,

[51:32] which I just recently rewatched.

[51:35] And it's really awesome.

[51:37] Not Die, Darkman, Die?

[51:40] No, not that one.

[51:41] Or not The Return of Durant?

[51:43] No, not that one. The first one.

[51:44] Okay.

[51:45] Last Tango in Darkman?

[51:46] The thing that's great about it is that I haven't seen it since I've seen the Sam Raimi's Spider-Man movies.

[51:53] And it's funny to see how much the style of Spider-Man comes from Darkman.

[52:00] I mean, obviously you can see the Evil Dead influence,

[52:02] but there's many scenes that are almost shot for shot from the Spider-Man stuff.

[52:07] Well, like when Darkman fought Dr. Octopus.

[52:09] Yes, that scene specifically.

[52:11] So if you're out there, it's on HBO On Demand right now.

[52:15] Watch Darkman. It rules.

[52:17] How was that? Was that a good recommendation?

[52:21] I mean, I didn't even talk about it in the original movie.

[52:24] I'm just so happy to hear you recommend a movie you've never recommended before.

[52:28] Because every podcast, I go out of my way to pick a movie I haven't recommended before.

[52:35] But you have the same three that you usually go to.

[52:37] I don't watch that many movies.

[52:39] Mainly Head of the Family, Castle Freak, and Invisible Maniac.

[52:43] Dan?

[52:46] Well, I haven't seen a lot of movies,

[52:48] but I did purchase a number of Mill Creek Entertainment DVD collections.

[52:54] I purchased four collections of 12 movies each.

[52:58] Mill Creek Entertainment has bought the Crown International Film Library.

[53:02] And there's a lot of people out there, notably folks like Quentin Tarantino,

[53:10] who are really into sort of like the grindhouse exploitation films.

[53:13] And I've always found a lot of those movies to be more pleasurable to read about than actually watch.

[53:20] Because even though there's some amazing things you can find in them,

[53:24] they're often draggy and terrible otherwise.

[53:28] But the two that I have watched already off of the Mill Creek collections, I've enjoyed.

[53:34] One was on the Cult Cinema Favorites, and one was off of the Bombshells collection.

[53:39] And those were Death Row Game Show and Police Women.

[53:43] And Death Row Game Show was sort of a Running Man style, you know,

[53:48] like convicts on Death Row and a game show scenario.

[53:52] But it was much more low, you know, it's like an actual game show,

[53:57] just like people in the sound stage doing stupid game show shit.

[54:01] Including one thing was Dance of the Seven Boners,

[54:05] where a woman comes out and strips.

[54:09] And if the electrodes attach to the man's penis move, he gets electrocuted.

[54:14] This movie was shown to children.

[54:17] No, no.

[54:18] They showed this in schools.

[54:20] No, it was an R-rated comedy.

[54:22] It was a dark comedy, kind of like a Paul Bartel style film.

[54:26] It drags a little in the middle, but it's fun.

[54:28] And Police Women is also kind of draggy at parts,

[54:33] but the opening in particular is actually a really nice low-budget jailbreak sequence

[54:39] with some ridiculous high-kicking policewoman karate in it.

[54:44] So those were both fun.

[54:47] I will recommend an older film.

[54:51] Sure.

[54:52] For a change.

[54:53] For a change, I recommend an old movie.

[54:56] This one is called Gertie the Dinosaur.

[54:58] And it is – no, it's not.

[55:02] It's called The Train Robbery.

[55:04] The Great Train Robbery.

[55:06] The Train Robbery is the one people don't really remember.

[55:08] The Great Train Robbery was the really good one.

[55:10] Okay.

[55:12] Anyhoo, so –

[55:14] Oh, dead air.

[55:15] Oh, boy.

[55:17] You're recommending Baby, the Lost Dinosaur, right?

[55:19] Yeah, it's called –

[55:20] Jazz singer.

[55:21] It's called Baby, the Legend of the Lost Dinosaur.

[55:23] It's called Super Mario Bros., the movie.

[55:28] I recently – a movie that I – I'm a big Alfred Hitchcock fan,

[55:30] and one of his that I've been avoiding, I guess, for a long time was Young and Innocent because it seemed –

[55:35] it doesn't have the best reputation, and it didn't seem that exciting, but I finally saw it recently,

[55:41] and it's actually a really fun, very small-scale Hitchcock crime movie.

[55:47] The wrong guy is accused of a crime, and he's on the run, and he has to prove his innocence,

[55:52] and there's a girl that comes along with him for the ride, and it's all very light and kind of silly.

[55:58] It never feels that dangerous, and it never feels that suspenseful, frankly, but it's always fun,

[56:03] and there's a lot of very funny moments of just like, you know, hip-hip, I'm an English character,

[56:08] and I'm going to interact with another character like this what-what governor and things like that.

[56:13] It's actually a lot of fun, and I would highly recommend it.

[56:17] It's a good movie to watch just as like a – just like a surprise – just as a treat, just as a surprise.

[56:24] You come home from work. You're tired. You don't have it in you to watch Tree of Life.

[56:27] Sure.

[56:28] So you watch Young and Innocent.

[56:30] I've had that on my Netflix queue for a long time because it's on the instant view,

[56:35] and I've been avoiding it too just because, you know, it doesn't have a great reputation, but now you've sold me.

[56:41] It's very fun, and there's a lot of neat shots and moments in it.

[56:44] It's a – it's a movie that if it came out now, people would think it was great, but –

[56:49] Just like Darkman.

[56:50] Just like Darkman, but compared to Hitchcock's other movies, it's not as good, but it's a lot of fun.

[56:55] And there's – and the villain at the end is performing in blackface as part of his job,

[57:02] and it's almost like it makes the villain that much eviler because he's a racist.

[57:06] Just like Ellie.

[57:08] No, I'm not – I don't understand how Stewart cut off with just being a party animal.

[57:14] It's Mike Rosterbeer, to be honest with you.

[57:18] So I think we're winding down.

[57:20] I think you're going to hear in our voices –

[57:22] We did it.

[57:23] We did it, guys.

[57:24] We made it.

[57:25] This is just like the end of a marathon.

[57:26] Our bodies are shutting down.

[57:27] At last the nightmare is over.

[57:28] Yep, nipples bleeding.

[57:29] We want to be able to turn the air conditioner back on.

[57:31] We just got to wrap ourselves in one of those silver blankets they give you at the finish line.

[57:35] Yeah.

[57:36] Have a banana.

[57:37] Is that what you do after –

[57:39] Yeah.

[57:40] Oh, I thought because your body's so tired, it's devolving into chimp form.

[57:44] That too.

[57:45] That too is the only things that you want to eat at the time.

[57:47] All right.

[57:48] Well, on that note, I'd like to say good night.

[57:51] I've been Dan McCoy.

[57:52] I've been Stewart Wellington.

[57:53] And I am very tired Ellie Kalin.

[57:56] Good night, everyone.

[57:57] Good night.

[57:59] Yeah, no, another song.

[58:00] Keep it up.

[58:01] From the Flop House.

[58:02] Good night, everybody.

[58:03] Good night.

[58:04] From the Flop House.

[58:05] More letters next time.

[58:11] I see you as a distant, a distant parent.

[58:14] Yeah, well, yeah.

[58:15] Well, when the Flop House gets in the way, certainly.

[58:17] That's the thing.

[58:18] They'll understand.

[58:19] They'll understand when they get older.

[58:20] They'll understand.

[58:21] It's like King Tut's kids were like, holy shit, he was building all kinds of pyramids.

[58:25] King Tut didn't have any kids.

[58:26] He died young.

[58:27] No, but he built all kinds of pyramids, right?

[58:28] No, he didn't.

[58:29] No, he had his army of mummies and shit built, right?

[58:34] Yeah, exactly.

[58:35] Kids were like, he's spending all his time with the mummies.

[58:38] King Tut's kids would wrap themselves in toilet paper to look like mummies.

[58:40] Do you like me now, Dad?

[58:42] He's like, no.

[58:43] You're like a stinking yeti.

The Flop House: Episode #83 - I Am Number Four

Transcript

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