Flop House Bloopers and Practical Jokes

[0:00] Hey, it's Dan here. A word of warning, the episode you are about to listen to is not a regular episode.

[0:08] We got together to record a regular episode, and we discovered that for some reason our equipment had started picking up radio signals.

[0:20] So you will hear hip-hop being played beneath the episode as reported.

[0:28] I have ordered new equipment that hopefully will fix this problem.

[0:34] But in the meantime, I've taken a poll on the website of listeners, and they said, yeah, sure, give us this episode as a special bloopers edition.

[0:46] They would rather have that than having to wait several weeks until we're all back from vacation to give a real episode.

[0:55] So enjoy, but if you're a new listener, realize that this is not a normal episode.

[1:01] Please go back and listen to an actual episode.

[1:04] For everyone else, don't say we didn't warn you.

[1:07] DEATHBIRD

[1:37] ROCKET CROCODILE

[2:07] CRAZY RETARD

[2:38] DAN MCCOY

[2:41] STUART WELLINGTON

[2:44] ELLIOT KAILEN

[2:47] SWITCHEROOS

[2:50] JASON BATEMANS

[2:53] RYAN RINNOLDS

[3:26] DAN MCCOY

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[6:02] We chose a very short movie because of the aforementioned delay.

[6:06] We watched Beastly, which came in at a trim 1 minute and 26...

[6:11] Wait, 1 minute?

[6:13] Wow, this was a short movie.

[6:15] 1 hour and 26 minutes.

[6:17] Yeah, 86 minutes. Less than an hour and a half.

[6:19] Felt like it was 5 hours long.

[6:22] It was like Hell Train Part 2.

[6:24] The movie. Hell Train the movie.

[6:26] The Helen name.

[6:28] Helen Keller.

[6:31] I think it would be fair to say that this movie was a tale as old as time.

[6:35] Yeah, was the song as old as rhyme?

[6:37] Possibly.

[6:39] It was about a beauty and a beast.

[6:41] Not in that order.

[6:43] And how they came to fall in love.

[6:46] Yeah, I mean, it's the same old shit, right?

[6:48] Same old song and dance, my friend.

[6:51] It's the story of Beauty and the Beast told from the beast's point of view.

[6:55] And set in modern day New York.

[6:58] And also, he's not that beastly.

[7:00] And it's dumb.

[7:02] Yep. Case closed.

[7:04] We open on a modern day high school.

[7:07] Which also resembles, as Stuart mentioned, the cloning facility from Star Wars Episode 2.

[7:12] Return of the Clone Attack.

[7:14] Of the Menace.

[7:16] Is there a lot of Jango Fetts running around?

[7:18] Shitloads of Jango Fetts.

[7:20] Yeah, the whole football team is Jango Fetts.

[7:24] They'd be really good.

[7:26] Alex Pettyfer, a plophouse returnee from the hit film I Am Number Four.

[7:31] And maybe the least charismatic young man in movies today.

[7:34] Is running for...

[7:36] He's like president of the Green Committee?

[7:40] Yeah, some sort of environmental panel of the school.

[7:45] And it opens with his candidate speech, which is,

[7:48] I'm handsome, ugly people suck, and I'm rich.

[7:52] Vote for me. I don't even care about this shit.

[7:54] Vote for me. So he wins.

[7:56] Thunderous applause.

[7:58] And also one of the Olsen twins.

[8:00] Which one?

[8:02] I can narrow it down to two.

[8:04] The one who still acts.

[8:06] I feel like there's one who has had some minor success.

[8:08] Robert Duvall Olsen.

[8:10] Yeah, sure.

[8:12] The older brother, Robert Duvall Olsen.

[8:14] He looks good.

[8:16] Yeah.

[8:18] For a middle-aged man, Olsen.

[8:20] Very fetching.

[8:22] She's like a witch.

[8:24] She's a teen witch.

[8:26] She's a teen witch.

[8:28] Because in the high school world that they kind of sketch in,

[8:30] they don't spend a lot of time setting it up.

[8:32] The popular handsome kids are the automatic rivals of the teen witches.

[8:36] And also Vanessa Hudgens.

[8:40] Vanessa Hudgens.

[8:42] Vanessa Hudgens.

[8:44] Known to everyone as the nude-on-the-internet girl from High School Musical.

[8:48] Known to everyone?

[8:50] Like even the Dalai Lama?

[8:52] Like even Vladimir Putin?

[8:54] You would be surprised.

[8:56] Like the news that someone from High School Musical was naked on the internet.

[9:00] Hu Jintao.

[9:02] Spam Blue Globe.

[9:04] It was like one of those montages.

[9:06] There's a lot of newspapers?

[9:08] Yeah, newspapers.

[9:10] And then it goes to, for some reason, the telegraph is still being used.

[9:12] People like Inuit are hearing about this.

[9:16] By the way, we know her at the Flophouse for her role as the boring one in Sucker Punch.

[9:22] As opposed to all the exciting ones.

[9:24] Yeah.

[9:26] In the dull movie.

[9:28] The Smucker's Bunch.

[9:30] About cosplay chicks.

[9:32] I wonder if it had only been called The Smucker's Bunch and been like a Disney movie with Don Knotts.

[9:36] About kids who like steal jam.

[9:38] They're like jam-themed criminals.

[9:40] I mean, you wouldn't have to change the movie that much, right?

[9:42] Sucker Punch? You'd have to add the jam in.

[9:44] Less thigh and belly button.

[9:48] Okay, we can do that.

[9:50] What about the...

[9:52] We can do that?

[9:54] What technology can we do that with?

[9:56] We have the technology.

[9:58] We can do that with our imaginations, guys.

[10:00] The movie in our mind.

[10:04] It's like a book on tape.

[10:06] Yes.

[10:08] Like the book on tape you read to yourself.

[10:10] So, anyway, Beastly.

[10:12] Beastly.

[10:14] He wins president of this committee.

[10:16] And he has a prank on the witch.

[10:20] Where he says,

[10:22] You know what? Would you come to this dance with me?

[10:24] And then she shows up and he goes,

[10:26] You really think I'd dance with you or sleep with you?

[10:28] And she puts a curse on him.

[10:30] He thought he was pulling a Carrie on her.

[10:32] But she was actually just giving him...

[10:34] She was pulling a Harry on him.

[10:36] And this all takes place in the first five minutes of the movie.

[10:38] Yeah, it's a really fast-moving movie for a while.

[10:40] So, he turns, you guessed it, Beastly.

[10:42] But how does it manifest itself?

[10:44] Does he have claws?

[10:46] Fur? Fangs?

[10:48] A werewolf-type creature?

[10:50] An ape-type creature?

[10:52] A dog-type creature?

[10:54] What does he turn into?

[10:56] Well, he gets a bunch of tattoos.

[10:58] Yeah, okay, and?

[11:00] Some scars with metal inside of them.

[11:02] Okay, and what?

[11:04] He looks like a monster, right?

[11:06] Kind of bald.

[11:08] He's so hideous he can't show his face.

[11:10] He kind of looks cool.

[11:12] He kind of looks like a cool guy.

[11:14] Like a tough guy.

[11:16] But he's like a monster.

[11:18] People would scream at this.

[11:20] I think a goth girl would find him really hot.

[11:22] I mean, they'd scream if they saw his abs.

[11:24] I mean, that dude's cut up.

[11:26] He is chiseled.

[11:28] And those tattoos only just bring it out, you know?

[11:30] You can't take your eyes away from his body.

[11:32] Well, he's got magical animated tattoos,

[11:34] which makes him even cooler.

[11:36] That's right.

[11:38] He's got a tattoo of a tree on his arm.

[11:40] And when the tree is in bloom,

[11:42] because the tree follows the seasons.

[11:44] He can't understand

[11:46] there's no calendars in this world.

[11:48] Yeah, he lives in an alternate world with no calendars.

[11:50] He tells time to be a tattoo.

[11:52] The only way he knows a year has passed

[11:54] is because his tattoo changes.

[11:56] And so he's all tattooed and scarred up,

[11:58] but he still looks presentable.

[12:00] He doesn't look like a fashion model anymore,

[12:02] except in, like, you know,

[12:04] some magazines.

[12:06] You know, like Bazaar or something.

[12:08] So his father...

[12:10] Not Bazaar. Right.

[12:12] Harper's Bazaar?

[12:14] Yeah.

[12:16] His father, who is Peter Krause

[12:18] from Six Feet Under...

[12:20] That's how you pronounce his name?

[12:22] That's how I pronounce it.

[12:24] It's not Krause?

[12:26] I don't think so. It's an E at the end.

[12:28] It's not a silent E.

[12:30] I mean, there are words with an E at the end that you don't...

[12:32] Can't do it.

[12:34] So wait. So the boring guy

[12:36] from that boring show, Six Feet Under,

[12:38] is in this story?

[12:40] Mr. Sports Night. Peter Krause.

[12:42] Oh, Herman J. Sports Night?

[12:44] The guy they named the show after? I didn't know he was in this.

[12:46] The guy who founded Sports Night.

[12:48] So Nate

[12:50] from Six Feet Under is the dad

[12:52] of this guy.

[12:54] And he's a famous

[12:56] reporter in New York.

[12:58] What does he do when his son shows up

[13:00] with tattoos and kind of scurried up?

[13:02] Does he A,

[13:04] say, hey I still love you, you're my son.

[13:06] Does he B, tell him,

[13:08] of course you still have to go to school, you know you look kind of stupid.

[13:10] Or does he C,

[13:12] buy a house in Brooklyn and force his son

[13:14] to stay there and never leave.

[13:16] I feel like this quiz is unfair since

[13:18] Stewart and I both watched the movie.

[13:20] It was A, right?

[13:22] Fair enough.

[13:24] Wait, what?

[13:26] D?

[13:28] He did something else, right?

[13:30] I did not give you a D.

[13:32] Choice letter C.

[13:34] Yes, they buy a house in Brooklyn and he just lives there.

[13:36] Hides him away.

[13:38] With their black Jamaican maid slash personal assistant.

[13:40] As opposed to the white Jamaican maid?

[13:42] They're white.

[13:44] Sure.

[13:46] Not like hippies.

[13:48] I'm just trying to point out Elliot's racism.

[13:50] By accurately describing someone's skin color?

[13:52] Wait, what?

[13:54] Look, there's only one black person in the entire movie.

[13:56] There's some attempts to have

[13:58] another race in the movie besides white.

[14:00] There's more than some attempts.

[14:02] There's too much attempts.

[14:04] This is the most Jamaican woman.

[14:06] She is very over-the-top Jamaican.

[14:08] You expect her to just be singing reggae

[14:10] and you know.

[14:12] Dreads everywhere.

[14:14] Don't know much about Jamaica.

[14:16] Praying to her very Lola.

[14:18] Smoking her marijuana.

[14:20] Going to Sunsplash.

[14:22] Talking about how her

[14:24] parents were English citizens.

[14:26] Yeah.

[14:28] That's our entire knowledge of Jamaica.

[14:30] That's it. Everything we know about Jamaica. Bob Marley.

[14:32] Buffalo Soldier.

[14:34] That's America.

[14:36] And the other guy who shows up is

[14:38] TV's Dewey Hauser.

[14:40] That's what he's best known for now, right?

[14:42] Neil Patrick Harris.

[14:44] Star of...

[14:46] How I Met Your Mother.

[14:48] And every award show.

[14:50] And he is hired by Peter Krause

[14:52] to play for his tutor.

[14:54] And he's blind.

[14:56] So he can see into

[14:58] people's souls.

[15:00] But mostly he's just a snide gamer.

[15:02] Wait, he's magic?

[15:04] Blind people are less shallow than rest of us.

[15:06] Yeah, they have magic powers.

[15:08] Soul-seeing powers.

[15:10] Like Ray Charles had.

[15:12] Wait, really?

[15:14] If you touched him, he could see your future.

[15:16] So he's got the shining?

[15:18] The dead zone.

[15:20] Ray Charles.

[15:22] Originally Stephen King wrote it

[15:24] about Ray Charles.

[15:26] But Ray Charles refused to give permission, so they took out all the piano players.

[15:28] I thought it was about

[15:30] Anthony Michael Hall or whatever.

[15:32] He played the character in the TV show.

[15:34] So wait, it wasn't about him though?

[15:36] Usually when someone is starring

[15:38] in a TV show, the show's not about them.

[15:40] But what about Seinfeld?

[15:42] It was about Jeremy Seinfeld.

[15:44] That's right. It was about

[15:46] Jeremy Seinfeld. You're right.

[15:49] Heir to the Seinfeld

[15:51] stand-up fortune.

[15:53] That his father Jerry starred in.

[15:57] Basically, the

[15:59] ugly guy is

[16:01] unhappy because he's ugly.

[16:03] He realizes he is in love with

[16:05] Vanessa Hudgens. He starts to stalk her.

[16:07] And then he finds out she's a good person

[16:09] who hands out sandwiches to homeless people.

[16:11] And through a series

[16:13] of unfortunate events involving a

[16:15] mugger and a trigger-happy

[16:17] dad, he

[16:19] convinces Vanessa Hudgens' dad to

[16:21] send Vanessa Hudgens to him

[16:23] to live with him in Brooklyn and be sequestered

[16:25] away from the world.

[16:27] And that's his plan to get her

[16:29] to love him so that he can be freed from his

[16:31] curse. Sounds about right.

[16:33] Makes sense to me.

[16:35] Imagine a screenwriter trying to

[16:37] figure out a way to modernize the Beauty

[16:39] and the Beast story wherein the Beast

[16:41] has trapped Beauty in his

[16:43] castle, but

[16:45] not realizing that in a modern version

[16:47] of the story, this would just seem like a creepy kidnapping.

[16:49] Yeah, nobody would be okay with it.

[16:51] And we would lose all sympathy for the Beast and

[16:53] for anyone who aided and abetted

[16:55] the Beast. Especially since we know

[16:57] that the Beast

[16:59] is like a dude.

[17:01] We know he's just a regular guy.

[17:03] At least in the Beauty and the Beast story, normally you're like,

[17:05] oh, he's a horrible monster. Is he a monster

[17:07] or a daemon or something like that?

[17:09] Matt Damon?

[17:11] Is he Matt Damon?

[17:13] Is he the Academy Award winner Matt Damon?

[17:15] That's pretty good.

[17:17] It would be called Beauty and the Daemon.

[17:19] Beauty and the Bourne.

[17:21] Beastly broke up the mugging,

[17:23] spirited away this

[17:25] knocked out girl that he's in love with.

[17:27] Just like in the movie, spirited away.

[17:29] And then he comes running back to, I don't know what,

[17:31] maybe tell the

[17:33] muggers that they should never touch her again.

[17:35] Just in time to

[17:37] get there when her dad's shooting one of

[17:39] the guys to death. That's crazy.

[17:41] The other guy is just kind of walking

[17:43] around in the background and doesn't notice that

[17:45] a gun has just been fired until he sees the body.

[17:47] It's a very poorly put together scene.

[17:49] It's not well

[17:51] staged. It's already

[17:53] a difficult concept for

[17:55] us to understand that

[17:57] somehow this guy shot this

[17:59] mugger and now he's being

[18:01] basically blackmailed?

[18:03] I guess so, yeah. Even though it was self-defense.

[18:05] It's also a weird turn for the

[18:07] movie to take where there's been no

[18:09] violence in the film up until that point.

[18:11] And suddenly Beastly is beating people up

[18:13] and people are getting shot.

[18:15] So it's already

[18:17] a strange idea and then it's

[18:19] pulled really awkwardly.

[18:21] Yeah, it breaks the tone of the film.

[18:23] There's a lot of tonal shifts because then once

[18:25] Vanessa Hudgens gets to Beastly's house,

[18:27] it turns into this kind of light comedy romance

[18:29] where it's like, oh, the only way I know

[18:31] how to attract her is to put

[18:33] expensive purses outside of her door.

[18:35] Here you go. While wearing

[18:37] a ski mask. While wearing a ski mask so she can't

[18:39] see my hideous tattooed face.

[18:41] Which girls prefer ski masks to

[18:43] faces?

[18:45] Then Blinding and Jamaican need to help

[18:47] him out. The music is like

[18:49] do do do do do do do do do do do

[18:51] womp womp.

Flop House Bloopers and Practical Jokes

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