The Flop House: Episode #88 - Priest

Dan McCoy

[0:00] It's the most magical time of the year, Shocktober, and we kick it off with Paul Bettany's

[0:07] Flophouse follow-up to Legion, Priest.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Tom Silvestro.

[0:45] Yes, Elliot is taking the week off due to his Judaism, due to his Jewish holidays.

[0:56] The Jews have a lot of holidays. I've noticed this.

[1:00] Is this a bit? Are you riffing or something?

[1:03] They have quite a few, yeah.

[1:05] I mean, they get off work for a lot of holy days.

[1:09] What? Are you complaining or something?

[1:11] Holidays.

S2

[1:13] What?

[1:14] Holidays.

Dan McCoy

[1:14] Oh, like challah bread.

[1:16] Oh, okay.

[1:17] That's a delicious bread.

[1:19] But instead of Elliot, we have another gentleman with black rimmed glasses sitting in.

[1:28] Mr. Tom Silvestro.

[1:30] Hello. It's good to be here.

[1:31] So you're going to be our nerd for the night?

[1:33] I'll be the, yeah.

[1:34] You'll be the nerd.

[1:35] The nerd stand-in.

[1:36] That's cool.

[1:37] Tom, I know from doing comedy videos here in New York.

[1:42] He is one-third of Escape Pod Films, a comedy internet short collective.

[1:49] Sure.

[1:50] You should all check out.

[1:51] I like the sound of that.

[1:53] I mean, you can expat upon that while I try and drink some beer to keep myself from coughing.

S2

[1:59] With Escape Pod Films, it's me, two other guys.

[2:04] We met in college.

[2:06] Classic.

[2:07] Their names are on board.

[2:08] Yeah, yeah.

[2:09] No, Jeremy Westfall, Chris Prine.

[2:11] And we reconnected down here in New York City and started making sketches, web series.

[2:17] And we met Dan actually through Channel 101.

Stuart Wellington

[2:21] That was when you made that little internet thing, that little cartoon thing, right?

[2:25] 9 a.m. meeting.

[2:26] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2:26] The internet sensation, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[2:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:29] When am I going to see that on TV?

Dan McCoy

[2:33] Actually, it's actually going to appear on television on September the 30th.

[2:38] Okay, save the plugs for later, guys.

[2:40] Just being nice.

[2:40] Just being nice here, fella.

[2:41] I mean, this is going to drop after it's been on television.

[2:47] Okay, so...

[2:47] It's only going to be local New York TV, so...

[2:49] This is the Flophouse.

[2:50] We watch a movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:55] Yeah, for the second week in a row, I feel like I just need to...

[2:58] I just need to apologize up top.

[3:00] Yeah?

[3:01] We're still using the internal microphone on my MacBook.

[3:07] I can only assume that someone opened a radio station downstairs because I covered my cables with ferrite chokes that I was assured would cut down on the radio interference.

[3:24] And it did so, but not to the degree that I was comfortable using the microphones.

Stuart Wellington

[3:30] Yeah, we're really all about quality control here.

[3:34] I mean, we run a pretty tight ship, right, Tom?

S2

[3:36] Oh, I can tell, yeah.

[3:37] Just by this lavish studio.

[3:40] It's very impressive.

Dan McCoy

[3:41] Yep, there's noise-canceling tiles that we've stapled to the walls in my apartment.

[3:47] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[3:47] Only the finest beers are consumed by...

[3:50] Only the quietest beers.

[3:52] The least carbonated beers.

[3:55] We actually leave our beers out for several weeks so we don't get that popping on a microphone.

[4:00] Yep.

[4:01] And sometimes the air conditioner is quiet enough that I can actually hear the dialogue in the movie.

[4:07] This was not one of those times, but most of the time.

Dan McCoy

[4:11] So, to get to the movie we actually watched.

[4:13] It was called...

Stuart Wellington

[4:14] Freeze!

[4:15] Freeze!

[4:17] Wait, this is the start of, what, Shocktober?

[4:20] Oh, yeah.

[4:20] Because it's about vampires or some stupid shit?

Dan McCoy

[4:22] Yeah, this is our first Shocktober entry.

[4:25] Oh.

[4:26] Despite us watching a horror movie last month in Shocktimber.

Stuart Wellington

[4:30] And I think that one was significantly more of a horror movie than the thing we just watched.

Dan McCoy

[4:34] Yeah, look, if I was a better producer for this podcast...

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:39] I probably would have thought this out.

[4:40] Yeah, you would have thought this out a little better.

[4:42] Don't you have a game plan?

[4:43] No, I don't.

[4:44] A five-season storyline?

[4:47] It'll all be revealed.

[4:48] All right.

[4:48] I think you'll be pretty happy with the denouement.

[4:52] I'm the flop house.

[4:54] Thanks for the qualifier, guys.

[4:56] I'm pretty happy.

Stuart Wellington

[4:59] So...

[4:59] Spoiler alert.

[5:00] So, Priest.

[5:01] Something about limbo.

[5:03] Wow.

[5:04] All right.

[5:05] Well, that's nice, because I already have set ideas of, you know, an afterlife, and I don't

[5:12] want you to challenge my beliefs.

[5:14] Your preconceptions.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] So, just kind of make it vague.

[5:17] Okay.

[5:17] It will end in some sort of church.

[5:19] There'll be a light.

[5:19] Some sort of glowing.

[5:20] Some sort of.

[5:21] But nothing too specific, right?

[5:23] Yeah.

[5:23] Non-denominational church.

[5:24] Mm-hmm.

[5:25] Okay.

[5:25] With a white light.

[5:26] So, we...

[5:28] Speaking of religious stuff, the movie was called Priest.

[5:30] Why was that, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[5:33] Well, it was not because it was that movie from some years back about, like, child abuse

[5:39] or some shit.

[5:40] I don't know.

[5:40] It was because it was about priests fighting vampires, which is, like...

[5:44] Okay.

[5:44] I feel like that's their number two job.

[5:47] Yeah.

[5:47] It's in the Bible.

[5:48] Wait, what's the first one?

[5:50] Exorcisms.

[5:51] Okay.

[5:52] Priests is pretty much...

[5:54] They deal with the supernatural.

[5:55] Monster hunters.

[5:56] Like, monster shit.

[5:58] They're like a legion of Van Helsings.

[6:01] Okay.

[6:01] And I use the word legion advisedly because this might as well have been a follow-up to the

[6:07] movie legion because it starred Mr. Paul Bettany and it was directed by the same guy who directed

[6:11] legion named TK because I can't remember what it was.

Stuart Wellington

[6:17] Yeah.

[6:18] Added in post.

[6:19] So...

[6:19] I can't take it.

[6:20] And you brought up Van Helsing because you know how much I love that movie.

[6:23] Classic.

[6:24] And they had about the same amount of special effects.

[6:28] A lot of CGI things jumping around, right?

[6:31] Yeah.

[6:31] Mm-hmm.

[6:32] Less swinging around on ropes.

[6:34] Who's not...

[6:35] I mean, so they're like vampires, but they look like mole men, mole people.

Dan McCoy

[6:40] Yeah.

[6:40] They look more like monsters.

[6:42] Trolls.

[6:43] Orcs.

[6:44] Okay.

[6:44] Troglodytes.

[6:45] Yeah.

[6:45] They didn't have eyeballs, right?

[6:48] Yeah.

[6:48] I mean, they were kind of like the movie The Descent.

[6:52] Okay.

[6:53] Yes.

[6:53] Just like a white blob.

Stuart Wellington

[6:54] But instead of like having actual people with stuff on, they were just little Super Mario's

[7:00] jumping around.

[7:00] Or I Am Legend.

Dan McCoy

[7:01] Kind of all the...

[7:02] Oh, okay.

[7:04] Yeah.

[7:04] Um...

[7:05] Yeah, this is actually not a trend I'm a fan of, by the way.

[7:08] The vampire that looks more like just like a fucking goo blob.

[7:12] Yeah.

[7:12] Just a regular bugaboo, if you will.

[7:14] Yes.

[7:15] Sure.

[7:17] I like that.

[7:17] I prefer the traditional vampire.

[7:19] Like, the...

[7:20] Just the pale gentleman with the fangs.

Stuart Wellington

[7:23] For Lee, kind of slick back hair.

[7:25] Yeah.

[7:25] Nice Eastern European suit.

[7:27] Mm-hmm.

[7:28] Maybe sparkles.

[7:29] Cavey.

[7:30] Maybe not.

[7:30] Wait.

[7:30] Capes.

Dan McCoy

[7:32] That seems newer.

[7:33] Widow's Peak.

[7:34] I thought that was Hammer Horror.

[7:35] They were all sparkly and...

[7:37] Sure, they go into the sun and they sparkle like diamonds.

[7:40] Um, in the absence of Elliot, I feel like someone should summarize...

[7:44] I'll be...

[7:44] I want to summarize this one.

[7:46] I got this...

[7:46] Okay, I got this one, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[7:48] All right.

[7:48] You guys, when I fuck up, just please throw out what I messed up.

[7:51] So, the movie begins...

[7:53] Uh, Paul Bettany and a bunch of other dudes with crosses tattooed on their foreheads.

[7:58] They're in a giant mountain.

[7:59] Oh, no.

[8:00] It's a trap.

[8:00] A bunch of vampires attack him.

[8:02] Paul Bettany and his buddy, uh...

[8:04] What's the guy?

[8:05] The guy who played Agomer?

[8:06] Carl Urban.

[8:07] Carl Urban from Doom.

Dan McCoy

[8:09] He also played the new...

[8:10] Yeah, the new, uh...

[8:11] Dr. McCoy on the Star Trek reboot.

[8:14] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[8:15] So, they were trying to escape and, oh, no.

[8:17] The vampires got Carl Urban.

[8:19] And then, boom.

[8:21] Smash cut.

[8:22] We got the title priest.

[8:23] Uh-huh.

[8:24] Uh...

[8:24] And then an awesome cartoon.

[8:26] Then there's an awesome cartoon explaining the history of a world where vampires and humans

[8:29] are constantly at war with each other.

[8:31] They show, uh, crusaders with swords and knights and stuff fighting vampires.

[8:37] Vampires usually winning.

[8:38] Then they show, like, World War I dudes.

[8:40] And then, I think, some other stuff.

[8:42] And then they explain how, uh, humanity was always losing until, uh, they trained a bunch

[8:48] of dudes to be ultimate vampire killers.

[8:50] The priests.

[8:52] Mm-hmm.

[8:52] Okay.

[8:53] Yeah.

[8:54] Um, I'm good so far?

[8:55] Yeah.

[8:56] Yeah.

[8:56] Okay.

[8:56] Then we cut to that jack-off from True Blood and his family.

[9:01] They live out in the, uh, like, there are farmers or something way out away from the city.

[9:04] Yeah, might as well be the Old West.

[9:06] But vampires are involved.

[9:08] Mm-hmm.

[9:08] And then a bunch of vampires attack.

Dan McCoy

[9:10] Um, and then that's the end of that for a while.

Stuart Wellington

[9:15] Then we go, uh, we cut to the city where Paul Bettany is just a regular dude.

[9:20] Uh, he's kind of wondering what he's doing because he used to be a priest, but now he has

[9:23] to just blend in with society.

Dan McCoy

[9:24] Yeah, the order of the priests has been somewhat disbanded now that, uh, the vampire problem

[9:31] has been dealt with.

[9:33] Okay.

[9:33] So, like, he's like a soldier trying to reintegrate into the world.

Stuart Wellington

[9:38] I mean, he's a living weapon that now has to be just a regular dude.

[9:41] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[9:42] And he doesn't get to do what he's been trained for.

[9:43] It's hard.

[9:43] I mean, you know how hard it is, Stuart, when your fists are lethal weapons and you're not

[9:48] quality, you can't use them anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[9:50] Yeah, I mean, I want to do what I'm trained for.

[9:52] My natural, my body has become this kind of killing machine and I don't want it to lie

[9:56] fallow.

[9:57] Mm-hmm.

[9:58] Your body's a wonderland.

[9:59] It's a wonderland machine.

[10:01] Gable of punching.

[10:03] So, uh, then Paul Bettany finds out that his brother, uh, who was that dude from True

[10:09] Blood, uh, that his whole family was killed.

[10:12] Now, which dude?

[10:13] There are a couple dudes.

[10:14] There are multiple dudes.

[10:14] Yeah, from True Blood.

Dan McCoy

[10:15] Okay, the dude who's a vampire on True Blood.

Stuart Wellington

[10:17] Stephen Moyer.

[10:18] But in this, he's not a vampire.

[10:19] He gets killed by vampires.

[10:20] Okay.

[10:21] Twist.

[10:22] Twist, yeah.

[10:23] So, well, it's taking convention and putting it on its ear.

[10:26] Mm-hmm.

[10:27] So, then Paul Bettany goes up to the guys in the church, played by Christopher Plummer and

[10:33] some other old guys that all look like Draculas, and he goes, hey, can I go save my family?

[10:38] I'm sure there are vampires attacking him.

[10:40] And then Christopher Plummer's like, no way, you can't do it.

[10:42] There aren't vampires.

[10:44] That's bullshit.

[10:44] You can't leave.

[10:45] If you go, you're in trouble.

Dan McCoy

[10:47] Yeah, he's denying the existence of vampires, despite the fact that he's the head of an

[10:51] order that was invented to fight vampires.

Stuart Wellington

[10:53] It really doesn't seem to make sense why he would be so dead set against Blood.

[10:57] Oh, no, there's no more vampires.

Dan McCoy

[10:59] We took, 100%, we got all of them.

S2

[11:02] Yeah, and he doesn't let the people leave that city.

Stuart Wellington

[11:05] Yeah, you're not supposed to leave, although he leaves fairly easily.

[11:09] Like, he gets on his fucking crotch rocket and flies out of there, and the doors are open.

[11:13] Like, it's not like he has a motorbike.

[11:14] Yeah, his motorbike busts his way out.

S2

[11:15] There's no big wall or anything.

[11:17] No Game of Thrones.

Stuart Wellington

[11:18] Well, there's a big wall, but the gate's wide open.

[11:20] Like, the gate's huge.

[11:23] And so we're watching this, and we all look at each other, and we're like, oh, okay, so

[11:28] the head of the church, he's probably in on it.

[11:30] We're going to find out at the end that he's all part of this big conspiracy.

[11:33] Well, I'm going to let you guys know ahead of time, there's no conspiracy at all.

[11:39] That really never gets solved.

[11:41] It doesn't make any sense.

[11:42] He was just...

[11:42] He's just a dick.

[11:43] They're just bookends.

Dan McCoy

[11:44] He's in the bridge, burying his head in the sand while vampires threaten him.

Stuart Wellington

[11:49] So, Paul Bettany goes out into the wilderness.

[11:54] He meets up with Cam Gijandit.

[11:56] Or Cam Gijandit.

[11:59] We're not really sure.

[12:00] From such films as The Unborn.

[12:04] And The Roommate.

[12:05] The Roommate.

[12:06] And also, for those of you who have seen the movie Burlesque, he's in that too.

[12:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:10] Cam Gijandit.

[12:12] Most exciting for his weird name.

[12:15] Yeah.

[12:15] Otherwise, a complete block of wood on screen.

S2

[12:18] If only his acting ability lived up to his odd name.

[12:21] Odd, interesting name.

Stuart Wellington

[12:23] He's like a less interesting Johnny Lee Miller type.

Dan McCoy

[12:27] Imagine someone named Cam Gijandit.

[12:29] And then imagine someone named Thad Smith.

[12:35] Thad?

[12:35] Thad.

[12:36] Why do you go with Thad?

[12:37] That's kind of interesting.

[12:38] He's got that kind of dickhead, frat quality.

[12:44] I'm just a little over...

[12:45] Kind of like a bro.

[12:46] Yeah.

[12:47] Dude.

[12:48] Yeah.

[12:49] Thad is really the guy that Cam Gijandit is.

[12:54] Okay.

[12:55] He doesn't have the raw sexuality that you would associate with a Cam Gijandit.

[12:59] With a guy named Cam.

[13:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:01] So, Paul Bettany meets up with his dude.

[13:04] They ride around for a while.

[13:06] They're looking for vampires.

[13:08] Turns out that his brother's daughter with really big eyebrows has been captured by these vampires.

[13:17] He's trying to hunt her down.

[13:19] His brother's daughter, you think.

[13:21] You assume.

[13:21] Turns out.

[13:23] You should have known that because of her giant eyebrows that she is, in fact, Paul Bettany's daughter.

[13:29] Is Paul Bettany known for his large eyebrows?

[13:31] Yeah.

[13:31] I mean, his mother had really large eyebrows.

Dan McCoy

[13:34] Well, Jennifer Connelly, back in the day, she had very large eyebrows.

[13:37] Yeah, but she's not, like, they're not genetically...

[13:40] I mean, they're not, like, related.

Stuart Wellington

[13:41] I thought they were brother and sister.

[13:42] No, they got married.

[13:44] They weren't...

[13:45] I mean, she's not married to the priest in the movie, right?

[13:48] Right.

[13:48] I mean, we're not supposed to assume that.

Dan McCoy

[13:50] Yeah, that would be, like, extra textual information that you would have to, like, associate Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly.

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] Although it's an interesting interpretation.

[13:59] I'll go with that.

[13:59] Yeah, yeah.

[14:00] So they ride around.

[14:01] They go to some weird towns.

[14:02] They fight some vampires, et cetera, et cetera.

[14:05] Meanwhile, the vampires are riding around in this giant train.

[14:10] The vampires are, I guess, being led by a vampirized Carl Urban from the beginning of the movie.

[14:18] Surprise, surprise, not killed.

[14:20] Now he combines both the powers of a priest and the powers of a vampire dude.

[14:25] I guess that allows him to fight and do karate shit and his cowboy hat never falls off.

Dan McCoy

[14:30] And he wanted to lure his buddy Paul Bettany into the world of vampirism by kidnapping his daughter.

[14:36] Which seems like a mistake.

Stuart Wellington

[14:37] Like, I would think that he would try and lure him by not doing a dick thing.

[14:41] Right.

Dan McCoy

[14:42] Like, just showing up at his house, maybe with some wine.

[14:45] And be like, hey, your vampires aren't so bad.

S2

[14:48] Yeah, why don't you?

[14:49] I mean, it's cool.

[14:50] It's kind of a convoluted plan.

[14:52] The whole train thing, too.

[14:53] Is that the best mode of transportation for vampires?

[14:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:57] I mean, any way of getting there where you're out of the sun, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[15:02] Yeah, I mean, all you have to do is drive a motorcycle strapped full of dynamite right at it.

[15:08] And you're fucked.

[15:09] Yeah, yeah.

[15:10] Not, I mean, and of course that happens in this movie.

[15:13] So, there's a big showdown on a train.

[15:17] Yeah, I mean, there's really not much to it.

[15:20] Basically, the movie ends with Paul Bettany blowing the train exploding.

[15:25] Carl Urban exploding with it, you assume.

[15:28] Paul Bettany saves his daughter.

[15:30] Cam Kajandit shows up.

[15:32] He's happy.

[15:33] Then Paul Bettany goes back to Christopher Plummer.

[15:37] He throws a vampire head at him, and then he walks away.

[15:40] He's like, guess what?

Dan McCoy

[15:40] There's vampires, bitch.

[15:42] Yeah.

[15:42] See you in the sequel.

Stuart Wellington

[15:44] I believe the last line of dialogue is, no, it's just the beginning.

[15:48] And then we're supposed to assume, as he rides off on his solar-powered crotch rocket,

[15:54] that we're going to be seeing more Priest movies in the future.

[15:58] So, when's Priest 2 coming out, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[16:02] Well, I mean, I don't know.

[16:04] Whenever the Taiwanese funding comes through on this.

[16:09] Why Taiwanese?

[16:10] I don't believe this was a...

[16:11] Was it tied in with a toy maker?

[16:13] Yeah, I mean, my implication is that this was not a success.

S2

[16:18] I'd like to see a Priest versus Legion.

[16:20] I think that...

[16:21] Angels versus...

[16:22] Pre-Gion?

[16:23] Pre-Gion.

[16:23] There you go.

[16:24] Or Least.

Dan McCoy

[16:26] Least.

[16:29] This is one of those movies where there's a lot of...

[16:32] Ignorance of the rules of physics over how things work in like...

[16:39] I mean, for instance, you talk about the end of the movie where the train is blowing up.

[16:44] Somehow the bad vampire blows up.

[16:47] But the people who leap off the train that is rocketing...

[16:50] Totally fine.

[16:51] At like 150 miles an hour, they're okay.

[16:54] There's a scene which...

Stuart Wellington

[16:56] Well, I think at that point, Carl Urban has realized his plan is in tatters.

[17:02] He might as well just explode.

[17:05] What else are you going to do?

[17:07] Mondays.

Dan McCoy

[17:08] Am I right, guys?

[17:09] Mondays.

S2

[17:10] Sometimes.

[17:10] I think Garfield did that.

Dan McCoy

[17:12] Montana was like...

S2

[17:13] It just exploded.

[17:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:15] Post office...

[17:16] Lasagna everywhere.

[17:18] Yeah, yeah.

[17:19] Post office stopped sending Nermal to Abu Dhabi.

[17:22] That was the final Garfield.

[17:23] He tried to kick Odie off the counter and Odie actually dodged.

[17:27] And he's like, fuck this.

[17:29] I'm going to make some...

[17:29] Nermal, I think, drove him to it.

S2

[17:33] Yeah.

[17:34] Pushed him over the brink.

Stuart Wellington

[17:35] Yeah.

[17:36] Fucking bitch.

[17:38] Whoa.

[17:38] Come on.

[17:40] Everyone loves Nermal.

[17:40] He's really cute.

[17:42] He's adorable.

Dan McCoy

[17:43] No, but there's a...

[17:44] I mean, there's a scene earlier on where Maggie Q...

[17:47] I don't know whether we mentioned that she's in this movie, but Maggie Q...

Stuart Wellington

[17:50] Yeah, there's other priests who were sent to hunt down Paul Bettany.

[17:53] She's the hot lady priest.

[17:54] But she, of course, joins up.

[17:56] They don't even address whether or not she's called a priestess or a priest.

S2

[18:00] That was my big question watching the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[18:02] We can all agree, though, that she has a priestess boner for Paul Bettany.

[18:06] Yeah, well, I mean, he's pretty awesome.

[18:08] He speaks in only cryptic tough guy phrases.

[18:11] He's got the Christian Bale kind of Batman voice.

Dan McCoy

[18:14] Yeah, yeah, he's got the phony baloney voice.

[18:18] But there's a scene where she throws a couple rocks in the air,

[18:21] and Paul Bettany leaps in the air,

[18:23] and Stepping Stone jumps off of those rocks in midair to boost his jumping power.

[18:31] Which, as we all know, is something that happens in life.

[18:34] Sounds perfect.

[18:35] Sounds perfectly accurate.

[18:36] If something's flying through there, you can leap onto that other thing that's flying in the air

[18:39] and just, like, push off of it.

Stuart Wellington

[18:42] Well, he's just, he's trained his body to such a point that, I mean, he can jump off anything, Dan.

[18:48] I think they covered that in the initial cartoon where they're talking about the history of humans and vampires fighting.

S2

[18:55] Yeah, the laws of gravity don't apply to priests, you know, in this world.

Dan McCoy

[18:59] Well, that was something else that, Stuart, you brought up when we were watching the cartoon introduction to priests,

[19:05] like, which really was, like...

[19:06] The best part of the movie.

[19:07] It was the best part of the movie, but it also, like, felt like an educational film.

[19:12] Like, here's the history of priests in cartoon form.

[19:15] But, eh, they're like, nothing could stop these vampires except the ultimate weapon, which turned out to be humans who were trained to fight vampires.

Stuart Wellington

[19:27] It's my favorite thing, is they're like, they found the ultimate weapon.

[19:31] Themselves.

S2

[19:33] That's the only weakness of vampires.

[19:35] Yeah, their only weakness is that they're not as good as human beings.

Dan McCoy

[19:39] They can't learn to fight themselves like humans can.

[19:43] Yeah, it's really, really weird.

S2

[19:46] Yeah, they don't really state why priests are so good at fighting vampires.

Stuart Wellington

[19:50] Well, at one point, he, Paul Bettany's explained to Cam Gajonde that the trick to shooting a vampire is planning out their trajectory when they jump.

[20:02] So I think the secret to being a priest is physics.

[20:06] Hmm.

[20:07] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[20:08] So, yeah.

[20:10] Just, like, a really, like, a solid grounding in math.

[20:13] Yeah, I mean, math skills.

S2

[20:14] Some geometry.

Dan McCoy

[20:16] A little bit of geometry, for sure.

Stuart Wellington

[20:18] All right.

[20:19] So, I mean, I think that's a start from there.

[20:21] You just need to know how to throw Chinese stars at shit.

[20:24] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[20:25] You need to know how to carve a cross in the point of a bullet.

[20:30] Yep.

[20:30] So then when you shoot that bullet, vampires explode, I guess?

Stuart Wellington

[20:34] Yep.

[20:34] I think so.

[20:34] This is one of those action movies where, like, you have a guy with a whole bunch of magical tricks and weapons and shit,

[20:42] and he uses each, like, fighting thing one time.

[20:46] So you never really actually, like, you just have to assume, oh, I guess he can do that.

Dan McCoy

[20:51] You know?

[20:51] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[20:52] It's like, oh, I guess he has a Bible filled with, like, silver throwing stars or some shit.

[20:58] He'll use it once, and then you'll never, ever see it again.

[21:01] I also, like, I mean...

[21:03] Like, I would think if it worked so well that first time, he'd use it all the fucking time.

Dan McCoy

[21:06] He'd have a bunch of them, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:07] Yeah, I'd have, like, a million Bibles filled with little shurikens.

Dan McCoy

[21:11] Right.

[21:11] I'm not arguing for, like, a more, like, hyper-religious, like, vampire film,

[21:16] but it also, like, irritates me whenever there's one of these vampire movies where, like,

[21:20] just the presence of a cross on anything will kill vampires,

[21:26] so let's fucking notch some crosses into some bullets and then shoot vampires with them.

[21:32] Like, I don't think that's the way it works.

[21:34] I think that the idea is, like, the vampire is some sort of, like, demonic force,

[21:39] and so we actually have to have an item that has legitimate power rather than, like,

[21:44] okay, we're going to paint a cross on something, and now a vampire explodes if it touches, like,

S2

[21:49] just, like, two things crossing each other is enough.

[21:52] Yeah, we're going to cross these hoagie sandwiches, and then that will be enough to destroy vampires.

Stuart Wellington

[21:57] Uh, that sounds pretty awesome.

[22:00] As long as somebody gets killed with a submarine sandwich.

[22:03] Your favorite thing, George.

[22:05] Yep, Invisible Maniac.

[22:06] Go see it.

[22:08] In theaters now.

[22:09] It's not in theaters now.

[22:11] Um, I also, well, I mean, clearly all the, all the crosses and all the religious bullshit was thrown in there,

[22:18] I don't know, to maybe remind people that, like, that vampire, I don't know, it just seems like a common...

[22:25] Remind people to go to church to avoid vampires?

[22:28] I don't know, it's, this movie is obviously a combination of a whole bunch of different bullshit things

[22:34] that somebody's seen in other movies, like, oh, I like a dude in a black castle,

[22:39] like, doing karate.

[22:40] Like, I, I like seeing vampires jumping around and attacking people.

Dan McCoy

[22:44] Well, no, you talked about, like, there's, like, literal lines in it that are total steals from other, like, there's a scene

[22:49] that, where, like, uh, Paul Bettany is, like, looking at vampire prints on the ground, like, in the dust,

[22:56] and it's literally, like, the Alec Guinness scene from Star Wars, where he's, like, you know, like,

[23:01] sand people, sand people walk single file to hide their numbers.

[23:05] Vampire monsters always walk single file.

[23:07] Yeah, and, uh, you were saying...

[23:09] That's my best Alec Guinness, by the way.

[23:11] It's a cowboy Alec Guinness.

[23:12] Oh.

[23:13] And you were talking about, like, one thing...

Stuart Wellington

[23:15] There's a couple scenes where they, uh, they just, they take, uh, lines from Unforgiven

[23:20] and then kind of mix them around, add some vampire shit, and then you're supposed to assume that

[23:24] Paul Bettany is just as awesome as Clint Eastwood was.

[23:28] Yeah.

[23:29] I don't get it.

[23:30] I don't get it either.

[23:31] I don't get it, Dan.

[23:31] The other thing is, I don't know why Paul Bettany is constantly in these movies where he has no sense of humor, Dan.

[23:39] This movie...

[23:40] Sure.

[23:40] I don't think anyone smiled at all the entire movie, except for maybe when Cam Gajandit shot a vampire in the head.

[23:46] Yeah.

[23:46] And then he said some kind of a sassy line.

[23:49] There was no other smiles, and...

[23:52] What's the point?

[23:53] Well, there's one, there's one point early in the movie...

[23:55] It's like the fucking Miami Vice movie.

[23:57] There's one movie with buddies who never make jokes.

Dan McCoy

[23:59] There was one point early in the movie where a mother, like, kept her small, uh, male child away from Paul Bettany saying, like,

[24:08] like, we don't, you don't talk, never talk to priests.

[24:11] It's like, okay, well, I'm not, I mean, like, I think that the movie knows that it's making a child molestation joke,

[24:17] but I'm not sure whether it knows what it's making a child.

[24:19] It was a bit hazy, yeah.

[24:20] Yeah, like, what's the, I don't know what the author's intent is, but it's kind of funny.

[24:24] Like, don't talk to priests, but, uh, yeah, there's no humor in it.

[24:28] And I know where you're going, like, Paul, like, Paul Bettany is best in movies like, uh, Master and Commander, uh, where he has a bit of a, uh, like, a humorous tint.

[24:38] A Knight's Tale.

[24:39] Mm-hmm.

[24:40] Wimbledon or whatever.

[24:41] Yeah, he's, he's, he's, he's got a lot of comic touch.

S2

[24:43] He's a charming, he's a charming fellow.

Dan McCoy

[24:46] Yeah, I don't want to see him grim, like, fucking shooting up supernatural creatures, but he seems to be doing a lot of those.

S2

[24:53] Yeah, yeah, it was just so joyless, and you think, you know, it's almost like a road movie for a lot of the movies.

[24:59] They're going from different, to different locations.

Stuart Wellington

[25:01] About a third of this movie is him riding around on a fucking motorcycle.

S2

[25:04] Tooling around on a bike.

[25:05] Green screen, sure.

[25:06] It seems to be, it'd be rife for, you know, comedic material.

[25:09] They could stop off at a, you know, a gas station.

Stuart Wellington

[25:12] Look at those rocks, it looks like a penis.

S2

[25:14] Yeah, yeah.

[25:14] Look at those rocks, they look like boobs.

[25:17] Wait, that's, I don't know.

[25:18] It's hilarious, dude.

[25:19] I don't know if that's comedy.

[25:19] Rocks look like boobs?

[25:21] That's like 40 minutes of material right there.

[25:25] Yeah.

[25:25] I don't know, guys.

[25:26] It's all about the delivery, if he says it right.

[25:29] Yeah.

[25:29] Think about it.

[25:29] He could say it in a brooding way.

[25:31] Those rocks look like boobs.

[25:32] Okay, that is funny.

Stuart Wellington

[25:33] And then they'll give each other a high five, get on their fucking crotch rocket, fly off.

S2

[25:38] Go to the Roy Rogers, off the highway, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:40] Yeah, that's it.

[25:41] You brought up Roy Rogers a couple times, Tom.

S2

[25:44] You getting the kickback?

[25:45] Yeah, I might be getting a little money from Mr. Rogers.

Stuart Wellington

[25:49] Mr. Rogers.

[25:51] He owns Roy Rogers, right, Mr. Rogers?

[25:53] Yeah.

[25:53] I believe.

[25:55] This evil empire.

[25:57] So, what else?

[25:59] Der Wampier.

[26:01] Am I right?

[26:01] He does?

[26:03] In this, I guess, mythos, you have a whole bunch of these mole man vampires, but then you

[26:08] have a bunch of humans that are kind of like taking care of them or kind of want to be

[26:13] vampires.

[26:14] But I don't really get it because, I mean, the vampires are gross looking.

[26:17] Like, it's not like, I don't know, like true blood vampires where they're pretty people.

[26:23] You're not a sexy vampire.

[26:24] Yeah.

[26:24] I don't understand the allure.

S2

[26:26] They're like 30 days of night, you know, vicious vampires or daybreakers.

Dan McCoy

[26:31] Yeah.

[26:32] I mean.

[26:32] Like goo worm vampires.

Stuart Wellington

[26:35] Yeah.

[26:35] They don't make any effort to explain why humans would find that alluring.

[26:41] Like, they could have even tried to say, oh, like, you know, it's more natural or it's,

[26:46] you're more free than this crazy, like, church dominated society.

Dan McCoy

[26:51] We didn't even get into the idea of immortality or anything like that.

[26:56] It's like, these are vampires.

[26:59] Yeah.

[26:59] Idiot.

[26:59] Everyone wants to be worms, right?

[27:01] Yeah.

[27:01] Everyone wants to drink chicken blood or whatever they're doing.

[27:05] Just hanging out in the desert.

[27:07] Yeah.

[27:07] But who were the, yeah, there were those.

S2

[27:08] Don't tread on me, man.

[27:09] You brought up, Stuart, those ugly kind of, the bald guys, right?

[27:13] Yeah.

[27:13] The Vin Diesel guys.

[27:15] Yeah.

[27:15] They were the keepers, I guess, of vampires.

[27:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:18] They're the familiars.

[27:20] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[27:21] All right.

[27:21] You know.

[27:22] So, like, I'm guessing, like, all vampire movies, they probably are just humans that drink

[27:26] vampire blood and then, like, wannabe vampires or something.

[27:30] I don't fucking know.

[27:30] They're like, they're like Renfields.

[27:32] They're like a shitload of Renfields.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] Yeah.

[27:34] There you go.

[27:36] A boatload of Renfields.

[27:38] Yep.

[27:38] Just hanging out in the desert.

[27:39] Ballload of Renfields.

[27:42] Eating spiders and drinking blood and just having a party.

[27:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] So, you could see that if you saw the movie Priest, which I don't recommend.

[27:53] All right.

Dan McCoy

[27:54] I feel like there's not a lot, actually, to get in, so I'm going to call this to a close.

Stuart Wellington

[28:00] Anything you liked about the movie, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[28:02] No, we'll get into that with Final Judgments.

[28:04] Okay.

[28:05] That's fine.

[28:05] Sure.

[28:06] Because I've got some letters to get to.

[28:09] Our Shocktober Final Judgments.

[28:12] Hold on.

[28:13] Oh, man.

[28:13] Do you remember these?

[28:14] Hold on.

[28:14] I've got to bring in a special guest.

[28:16] Crib Geekers.

[28:21] Was this movie totally scarifying?

[28:26] Was it totally snorifying?

[28:29] Or was it frighteningly funny?

Stuart Wellington

[28:34] What about spookily good bad?

[28:37] I think that was one you made up.

[28:38] Okay.

[28:39] Looking good, Crib Geeker.

[28:40] Crib Geeker.

[28:41] Thank you.

[28:43] So, uh...

[28:45] I like the Hawaiian burnt shirt, Crib Geeker.

[28:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:53] I've been to a luau.

[28:56] Well...

[28:57] Don't you mean ghoul-au?

[28:58] A ghoul-au.

[29:00] Yeah.

[29:00] You fucked that one.

Stuart Wellington

[29:01] What's going on?

S2

[29:03] It must be wasted or something.

Dan McCoy

[29:05] I didn't write any puns before I came here.

S2

[29:09] I thought you were working with Bruce Valanche.

[29:11] Sometimes.

Stuart Wellington

[29:13] So, I'll start it off.

[29:16] Yeah.

[29:16] I mean...

[29:17] I guess it moved along quickly.

[29:20] But...

[29:21] Yeah.

[29:22] I mean, there isn't anything memorable.

[29:24] I'm sure I'll forget the majority of this movie on the walk home that I haven't already forgotten.

[29:30] Yeah.

[29:31] I mean, it's not really...

[29:32] The sets are pretty good.

[29:34] And they do seem to make an effort to build some kind of a world.

[29:38] How boring as it is.

[29:40] But yeah.

[29:41] I'll say it's, what?

[29:43] Snorifying?

[29:43] I think it's snorifying.

Dan McCoy

[29:45] Yeah.

[29:45] I'm going to agree that it's totally snorifying.

[29:48] I...

[29:49] The best thing about it is that...

[29:53] As you said...

[29:53] Like...

[29:54] The look isn't terrible.

[29:57] I mean...

[29:57] It's a look that's stitched together from a lot of other better movies.

[30:01] But...

[30:02] It's not...

[30:03] Beliant on a bunch of, like...

[30:06] CGI shit.

[30:08] And...

[30:08] Are you talking about how there was the...

Stuart Wellington

[30:10] Like, the fight on the train?

[30:12] And it made you think of Beyond Thunderdome?

[30:14] And how that was a better post-apocalyptic train fight movie?

Dan McCoy

[30:19] Not specifically.

[30:20] But there were some...

[30:21] There were some good sets in the movie.

[30:23] Oh, okay.

[30:24] That's what I thought of.

[30:25] Nice look.

[30:25] Yeah.

[30:25] Thanks, Tom.

[30:26] Thanks for backing me.

[30:30] Yeah.

[30:31] I mean, a couple fights were okay.

[30:32] But in general, it just kind of bored me.

[30:35] And there was no reason to care about any of the characters.

[30:37] They did not put any work into developing any of the main people into someone that you might

[30:44] have sympathy with.

[30:46] They have tattoos on their face, Dan.

[30:48] Okay.

S2

[30:48] They have pretty cool cross-face tattoos.

[30:52] Okay.

[30:53] Tom?

[30:54] I agree with you guys.

[30:56] It was snorifying.

[30:57] It was just so joyless and plodding.

[31:01] It's...

[31:01] I don't...

[31:02] You know, I think if you expanded the premise a bit, if you knew more about the vampires

[31:06] or how they...

[31:07] You know, what exactly was going on between them and the humans, it would be more interesting.

[31:11] And if you made it more fun, too.

[31:14] It's just...

[31:15] But it's...

[31:15] Yeah.

[31:15] It's pretty boring.

[31:19] There's a lot better vampire movies that you could go to instead of that.

[31:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:24] All right.

[31:25] Like Twilight Eclipse, right?

[31:28] Am I right?

[31:28] Am I right, guys?

[31:29] This guy knows that clip.

[31:30] I would go to...

[31:32] Yeah.

[31:33] Okay.

[31:33] So, three for three.

[31:35] What a turd.

Dan McCoy

[31:38] It's not a category, but...

[31:40] All right.

[31:40] Sure.

[31:42] So, we're going to move on to letters from listeners.

Stuart Wellington

[31:47] Letters!

[31:48] Letters!

[31:49] We got letters!

Dan McCoy

[31:50] Yeah.

[31:50] It's pretty good.

[31:52] I mean, it's not exactly what...

[31:53] It's not exactly what Elliot would have done if he was here, but...

Stuart Wellington

[31:56] Yeah.

[31:56] I mean, I'm just trying.

[31:57] I mean, you know, I'll say something.

[31:59] Sure.

[32:00] Fucking letters.

Dan McCoy

[32:02] Uh, right off the bat, I want to say thank you to Patrick K for his donation to the show.

Stuart Wellington

[32:07] Thanks, Patrick.

[32:08] Um...

[32:09] Thank you, Patrick.

Dan McCoy

[32:09] Throwing some money over here to try and, uh...

[32:13] Block the hip-hop radio signals from our broadcast.

[32:17] Did not work.

[32:18] So, you should resort to vigilantism?

[32:21] Yeah.

[32:22] Get the pitchforks.

[32:23] You should come to Clinton Hill.

[32:25] Find out if there's a radio station.

[32:27] And, uh...

[32:28] You know, just, uh...

[32:29] Like a pirate radio station.

[32:31] Yeah, don't...

[32:31] Like, pump up the volume.

[32:32] Don't hurt anyone, but wait till people are out of the station and burn the place down.

[32:37] Okay.

[32:37] That's what I would say.

[32:39] But, uh...

[32:40] We're still working on the problem, but thank you, uh...

[32:42] Patrick, for your donation.

[32:44] But, uh...

[32:44] Let's move on to the first real letter of the evening.

[32:48] This is from John, last name withheld.

[32:50] Okay.

[32:51] And he says...

[32:53] Dear Floppers, I found out about your podcast at the AV Club and it has since become my very favorite podcast.

[33:00] Whoa!

[33:01] I've even stopped listening to other movie podcasts that actually focus on the movie The Review,

[33:05] turned off in part by their lack of discussions about Duckburg, strategies on exploiting monkey paws,

[33:12] and the unsolvable problems of the penis-in-a-box-a-popcorn trick.

[33:16] But mostly by the absence of...

[33:17] The butter would burn your penis, is the problem.

[33:20] Sure.

[33:20] It's mostly by the absence of the honeyed howl of the Flophouse house cat.

[33:24] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[33:25] I wish he showed up sometime.

[33:27] I'd love to meet that.

[33:28] He's a fucking lazy asshole.

Dan McCoy

[33:30] I have only one complaint.

[33:32] Of all the movies you guys have recommended,

[33:34] there is one that you have made me want to watch more than all others.

[33:38] The fabled, mysterious, awe-inspiring The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure,

[33:44] which is impossible to find in Brazil, but I now intensely covet.

[33:49] I failed to find any copies of the film in my local used video stores,

[33:52] and have since discovered that it was never released in Brazil,

[33:55] and that the closest we have is a VHS release and translation into Spanish-speaking Latin American markets as

[34:03] La Aventura del Bikini.

[34:07] I'm therefore requesting that you employ your high-powered, well-connected positions in the entertainment industry

[34:12] to pressure some movie distribution company, perhaps the Criterion Collection,

[34:17] into the international Blu-ray release of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure,

[34:21] preferably including a director's commentary, interviews with the cast,

[34:24] and perhaps a mini-documentary, Love, John, Last Name Withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[34:28] Well, I agree that it is a great failing of the human race that you do not have access to The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure in Brazil.

Dan McCoy

[34:39] I gotta say, I mean, it's not just Brazil.

[34:43] I've seen a great number of bikini films in my lifetime.

[34:48] You didn't know this, Tom, but Dan is a superper.

[34:51] It really was a connoisseur of the genre.

[34:55] But you, Stuart, and The Absent Elliot have seen The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[35:00] I have not seen it, and it is not available on DVD currently in the U.S.

[35:05] Okay, then get it on VHS.

[35:07] Or reel-to-reel.

[35:09] Get the radio play.

[35:11] Yeah.

[35:12] I mean, this may surprise you, Stuart, but I no longer have a VHS player that is hooked up to anything.

[35:17] I thought you liked movies.

[35:19] Yeah.

[35:20] Awkward.

Stuart Wellington

[35:21] Well, The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure is really awesome.

[35:24] There is a mystical Indian, and there's all kinds of bikinis and topless chicks.

[35:28] So I totally recommend it.

[35:30] Again.

Dan McCoy

[35:31] I don't think that was the point of the second one.

[35:33] I'm intrigued.

[35:34] I just want to bring it up again.

Stuart Wellington

[35:36] But yeah, I guess we should make an effort to unearth a VHS copy.

[35:41] Maybe do a screening.

[35:42] One of those screenings you always do.

Dan McCoy

[35:44] Here's something.

[35:45] Maybe someone...

[35:46] If there's someone out there who has access both to a VHS copy of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure and the capabilities to transfer that to DVD, they should get in touch with the Flophouse.

[36:00] Yeah.

[36:01] Both for the purposes of getting us a copy and getting this gentleman a copy.

[36:07] And for the purposes of copyright law, I never said what I just said.

[36:11] Yeah.

[36:11] This is a contest, right?

[36:13] This is a bit that I'm performing.

[36:16] Oh, yeah.

[36:16] A comedy bit.

Stuart Wellington

[36:17] This is a contest that never was.

[36:19] But it really is.

Dan McCoy

[36:21] You should seriously send us that.

[36:22] It's the classic...

[36:23] The classic...

[36:24] Classic Gavin Costello.

[36:25] That's the Gavin Costello.

[36:27] Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure bit.

[36:29] Yep.

[36:30] That you should totally do.

[36:32] But seriously.

Stuart Wellington

[36:33] So, thank you, John.

[36:35] Those were kind words.

Dan McCoy

[36:37] So, this is from Craig, last name withheld.

[36:40] And he says,

[36:41] Hello and welcome to the recommendation portion of the letters.

[36:45] I think that we should be in charge of the segments.

[36:47] I think this guy's in charge.

[36:49] Okay.

[36:49] Well, he would like to recommend The Trip to Dan.

[36:53] Not the 1967 movie written by Jack Nicholson about the dangerous slash groovy times one can expect from LSD.

[37:02] But instead, the Steve Coogan, Rob Brydon film.

[37:05] Sure.

[37:06] As the leads wander around northern England eating and more or less being themselves,

[37:09] they are, much like Dan, continually drawn to the voice of Michael Caine.

[37:14] I imagine, as they argue over who has the better impression, Dan could join in the discussion or possibly pick up a thing or two.

[37:21] Dan does a good Michael Caine.

[37:23] I've heard it.

[37:24] Yeah, from Jaws.

[37:25] Jaws Revenge.

[37:25] Have you practiced?

[37:27] From?

[37:28] Specifically from Jaws Revenge?

[37:30] Sure.

[37:34] You know, I think that...

Stuart Wellington

[37:35] That's a good recommendation.

[37:36] I love Michael Winterbottom movies.

[37:38] Both of them do a significantly better Michael Caine than I do.

Dan McCoy

[37:42] Okay.

[37:43] I do the baseline Michael Caine that I think Steve Coogan makes fun of at the beginning of the clip that kind of made the rounds on the internet.

S2

[37:52] I've seen the TV series.

[37:54] It's really funny.

[37:55] I haven't seen the movie.

[37:56] Yeah?

[37:56] Yeah.

[37:57] I think you definitely get a kick out of it.

[38:00] So, um...

Dan McCoy

[38:02] Okay.

[38:02] Well, thanks, Craig.

[38:03] That attempt to pimp me into doing the Michael Caine voice failed.

[38:06] Failed.

[38:07] But I appreciate it.

[38:08] Clockhouse failure.

[38:10] Failed.

[38:11] A room floor, please.

[38:14] So, this is, uh...

[38:15] Cue fart sound effect.

[38:18] This next email is titled Flophouse Benjamin Button Style.

[38:23] Oh, no.

[38:24] I hate that movie.

[38:25] Yeah, it's weird.

[38:26] And this gentleman says,

[38:27] I was fortunate enough to stumble upon your podcast this summer.

[38:31] We met cute with reference to the Batman supervillain The Contest Ruiner.

[38:36] And your back catalog has provided a great soundtrack to a boring internship.

[38:41] Listening to the shows in reverse offers a different level of enjoyment.

[38:45] As a trip through time reveals the mysterious origins of running gags, you slowly become less committed to your respective romantic relationships.

[38:53] And Elliot, sure.

[38:55] Offers increasing surprise at Stuart's recommendation of Castle Creek.

[39:01] Given your experience on commentary tracks, a Flophouse equivalent to the Criterion Collection surely must be in the works.

[39:08] What would each of you rescue from the grips of time to restore in beautiful Blu-ray?

[39:13] I, for one, can't wait to see The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure, as the director intended.

[39:20] Keep up with the great work.

[39:21] Hank, last name withheld.

[39:24] So, this is a groundswell of support for the idea of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[39:29] Is that the only kind of questions you guys get?

[39:31] Is for that one movie?

Stuart Wellington

[39:34] Tom, this is your first time on the show.

[39:36] This is actually a podcast.

[39:39] It is really a forum for talking about The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

Dan McCoy

[39:43] It's dedicated to getting The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[39:47] The release it deserves on all forms of media.

[39:52] As you mentioned, the radio show.

Stuart Wellington

[39:54] I agree with that.

Dan McCoy

[39:55] DVD streaming.

[39:57] Yeah, of course.

[39:58] We've got a video game based on characters.

[40:00] Some kind of a handheld 3D version of it.

Stuart Wellington

[40:03] Sure.

[40:04] Puppet show.

[40:04] You can watch on your telephone, as God intended.

Dan McCoy

[40:10] It raises a good question, though.

[40:12] Is there anything that you would like to see released on DVD that does not currently exist?

Stuart Wellington

[40:20] I mean, clearly I've already mentioned Invisible Maniac and Castle Freak.

[40:25] Which you can kind of find Castle Freak, but I want like a badass edition.

[40:28] A ding-dong ripping edition, if you will.

[40:31] And, I don't know.

[40:33] You know, Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure is cool.

[40:36] Head of the Family is pretty amazing.

[40:38] You can acquire Head of the Family on DVD.

[40:42] Yeah, but I want like a really good one.

[40:44] Okay.

[40:45] Like a Blu-ray.

[40:45] A really good head.

[40:47] Yeah, well, I want to see Jacqueline Lavelle butt naked in sparkling crystal clear clarity.

Dan McCoy

[40:54] Alright, Tom, do you have any...

S2

[40:56] I would love to see a movie called Skatetown USA finally released.

[41:00] It's not available on DVD or Blu-ray.

[41:03] It's a fantastic roller rink movie from the 70s.

[41:07] Sure.

[41:08] With Mr. Patrick Swayze.

[41:09] Mr. Patrick Swayze.

[41:10] He's the villain.

[41:11] Awesome.

[41:12] He's part of this badass roller skating gang.

[41:16] And it's got Scott Baio.

[41:18] Horseshack is Patrick Swayze's number two.

[41:21] He's kind of henchman.

[41:23] And it's got Ruth Buzzi.

[41:25] It's got Flip Wilson.

[41:27] It's a fantastic movie.

[41:27] All the stars.

[41:28] Yeah.

[41:29] It's great.

[41:29] The sky was dark for all the stars for Skatetown USA.

[41:34] I saw it at the BAM a couple months ago on the big screen.

[41:38] Brooklyn Academy of Music here in Brooklyn.

[41:40] And it was fantastic.

[41:42] Packed crowd.

[41:43] So much fun.

[41:44] Really great.

[41:45] Alright.

Dan McCoy

[41:47] I don't have one.

[41:48] I was just pissing you guys in.

Stuart Wellington

[41:49] I saw Tango and Cash at BAM.

Dan McCoy

[41:50] Oh, man.

[41:51] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[41:52] Not a packed house, but it was still amazing.

[41:54] It was a sweet, sweet, bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[41:58] So, this next letter says,

[42:01] Hey, Floppers.

[42:03] For us new listeners, you might consider pointing out what you think are your best podcasts.

[42:09] I would humbly suggest Prom Night as your riffs on incompetent police officers and the different ways of recognizing the serial killer without his beard were hilarious.

[42:18] Also, there was some talk about doing a movie in theaters.

[42:21] Perhaps you should wait for Battleship, as the trailer alone is worth its own podcast.

[42:26] A movie based off a storyless board game.

[42:29] Alexander Skarsgård, who is somehow both the youngest man to work his way from being enlisted to an officer, but is yet still going to be kicked out of the service.

[42:38] Liam Neeson as the gruff captain who doesn't think Skarsgård is worthy of his daughter.

[42:43] And a transforming alien ship.

[42:46] Sincerely, Brian, last name is held.

Stuart Wellington

[42:48] Well, this sounds really awesome.

[42:49] I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dan McCoy

[42:52] I'm not seeing the trailer.

[42:54] The trailer's pretty incredible.

[42:55] The trailer's pretty incredible.

[42:55] The board game, of course.

[42:57] I mean, it's a game about sinking in battleships.

[43:01] No, I've played that shit.

[43:03] I know it.

[43:05] No, the beauty of the game, the movie based on the game, apparently they felt like they needed...

[43:10] It's like Clue, right?

[43:11] Yes, there are three innings.

[43:14] Okay.

[43:14] One of them has Howard Hessman.

[43:16] I like that.

[43:17] Pretty awesome.

[43:18] Now, they felt like they needed to make it about aliens so they can make the bombs that attach to the battleships look like the pegs in Battleship.

[43:29] Like, that's the only reason I could see.

[43:31] Oh, I didn't even pick up on that.

[43:32] I saw the trailer.

[43:33] They just...

[43:34] Yeah, there's these pegs that magnetize or whatever, shoot into these battleships and they look like the pegs in the board game.

[43:43] Do they have any...

S2

[43:44] In the trailer, is there any moment where an actor shouts,

Stuart Wellington

[43:48] No, you've sunk my battleship!

Dan McCoy

[43:50] Or something like that.

[43:51] I was waiting for that.

[43:52] I hope there is...

[43:53] I mean, in the movie, right?

[43:55] I mean, if there isn't, I imagine some screenwriter has to get fired for that, right?

[44:01] Yeah.

[44:01] I mean, there's probably...

[44:02] It's a team.

[44:03] A team effort, I'm sure.

[44:05] Probably Lowell Gantz and Babalu Mandel.

[44:10] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] I can make up words, too, Dan.

[44:13] Thanks.

[44:15] Were they also actors and priests?

[44:18] Yep.

[44:19] So, uh...

[44:21] Yep.

[44:21] Okay.

[44:22] We'll, uh...

[44:22] Best episodes.

[44:23] Oh, best episodes.

[44:25] Right, right, right.

[44:25] You were saying before the show.

[44:26] I was just listening to the Old Dogs episode.

[44:28] I was getting some chortles.

[44:30] Mm-hmm.

[44:30] I was getting some laughs.

[44:32] That's a good one.

[44:33] Significantly more laughs than I got from actually watching the movie Old Dogs.

S2

[44:38] Uh...

[44:39] Tom, you're a listener.

[44:41] Um...

[44:42] I love...

[44:43] I love...

[44:43] Yeah, well, all the episodes that Stuart does not appear on, I think, are just...

[44:46] You fucking asshole.

[44:47] They're a classic.

[44:48] Oh, so funny.

[44:49] Oh, man.

S2

[44:49] White-Sanac.

[44:50] Ugh.

Dan McCoy

[44:51] Beautiful.

[44:52] Oh, man.

[44:53] Tom made a point of complimenting Stuart on the Night and Day episode where White-Sanac sat

[45:00] in for Stuart.

[45:01] That was the first one he dropped.

[45:02] Yeah.

[45:03] What a dick move.

[45:04] No, it's okay.

[45:07] I have no memory of what we do here on the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[45:11] Well, you like, uh...

[45:12] I know who killed me.

[45:14] That was a good one.

[45:15] That was a good one.

[45:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:18] I agree.

[45:18] Last Airbender.

[45:20] It was great.

[45:20] Oh, man.

[45:21] I don't even remember that one.

Stuart Wellington

[45:22] I mean, they're all hilarious is the thing.

[45:24] It's hard to pick.

[45:25] It's like, uh...

[45:26] Trying to pick...

[45:26] Picking your favorite child.

[45:27] Yeah, it's like trying to pick which diamond is the prettiest.

[45:30] Mm-hmm.

[45:30] They're all amazingly beautiful diamonds.

[45:35] That happens a lot.

[45:37] And they're all...

[45:37] Rounded by diamonds.

[45:38] Yeah.

[45:39] They're all worth millions of dollars.

[45:41] They're all...

[45:42] Imagine it.

[45:43] I'm painting a picture.

Dan McCoy

[45:45] So, uh...

[45:47] This last email for the evening.

[45:48] Uh...

[45:51] Is regarding our last, uh...

[45:53] Episode.

[45:53] Okay.

[45:55] My soul to take.

[45:56] Sure.

[45:56] This is from the director of the movie.

[45:58] It's from...

[45:59] It's from...

[46:00] I'm pissed off at you guys.

[46:02] It's from Eric Zuckerman.

[46:04] Okay.

[46:04] Oh!

[46:05] Awesome.

[46:06] Excellent.

[46:06] He said,

[46:07] Just listen to the Flap House and thanks for all the shout-outs.

[46:10] Although I was a little surprised that you didn't mention that I had actually guested on the program once.

[46:16] But maybe both Sorority Row and I were that forgettable.

[46:20] Oh, he was on...

[46:21] I missed that episode.

[46:23] Yeah, I know.

[46:23] He was the steward for that episode.

[46:24] It was, uh...

[46:25] It was all on Elliot and me.

[46:27] And I...

[46:27] You know, I vaguely thought, like, okay, we had Eric on.

[46:31] But as I said, like, these things go out of my head the moment they're on, uh, on tape.

[46:37] And I apologize.

[46:38] Uh...

[46:39] I remember that being a great episode.

[46:41] One that I, in fact, I would recommend.

[46:43] Thanks, dude.

[46:44] All right.

[46:44] I will...

[46:44] Yeah.

[46:44] Any episode that Stuart's not on.

[46:46] Yes.

[46:47] Yeah.

[46:47] It's a good rule of thumb.

[46:49] Radical.

[46:50] No, but Eric Zuckerman is the light.

[46:54] And, uh, he goes on to say,

[46:56] I really have no quibble with any of your problems with the movie.

[46:59] They changed it so much in various drafts and with reshoots that it's just not a coherent film.

[47:04] But I'm glad to have been part of the show.

[47:07] With a recent string of duds I was in,

[47:09] I figured it was only a matter of time before you guys picked one of them.

[47:13] Look, Eric, I, you know, I feel bad.

[47:15] I, like, I feel like, you know, you seem a little depressed.

[47:19] Like, maybe we need to fly out to L.A. and cheer Eric up a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[47:24] And somehow we'll get trapped into some kind of, like, what, like a movie?

[47:29] Or we'll get trapped into some kind of game of espionage?

[47:32] Some kind of Game of Thrones?

[47:34] Sure.

[47:34] Some, maybe we'll be on the trip and somebody will think,

[47:37] confuse me for a spy.

[47:39] Uh-huh.

[47:39] But I'm not actually a spy.

[47:40] I'm just a kid.

[47:41] Yeah.

[47:41] And then I get wrapped up into this game of intrigue, right?

[47:44] And Linda Hunt's there.

[47:46] And there's, like, some kind of a whip.

[47:48] It's going to be really awesome.

[47:49] But the point is, by the end, Eric will be the biggest star in Hollywood.

[47:53] He'll be the biggest star in Hollywood.

[47:54] And I'm going to save the free world.

Dan McCoy

[47:57] Uh, but Eric goes on to say,

[48:00] Also, in case you haven't got the answer yet,

[48:03] Hot's was the initials of the main girls in the sorority.

[48:08] Yes.

[48:08] I know the H was Honey and the T probably should have been tits, but it wasn't.

[48:13] Just looked it up.

[48:14] Honey O'Hara.

[48:16] Honey O'Hara.

[48:17] O'Hara.

[48:18] Yep, I remember.

[48:19] Terry Lynn and Sam.

[48:21] In the movie, though, the rumor is that it stands for Hold On To Sex.

[48:25] But when confronted by the Dean, the girls say it stands for Help Out The Seals and introduce

[48:31] their seal mascot.

[48:33] Hilarity.

[48:34] I have it on VHS if you'd like to borrow it.

[48:37] Thank you for the offer.

[48:38] Sure.

[48:39] Dan will want to borrow that.

[48:41] I mean, I would prefer if you had a copy of The Great Beginning Off-Road Adventure.

[48:44] Sure.

[48:45] Because I've seen, uh, Hot's.

[48:47] A couple times, yeah.

[48:49] I mean, it has a fantastic topless football scene at the end.

[48:52] Yep, the sexiest possible thing.

[48:56] Topless football game.

[48:57] I've seen the trailer of Hot's, and it's very entertaining.

[49:00] Oh my god, it is.

[49:00] Does not live up to the entire film.

[49:02] No, no, no.

[49:03] The entire film is worth seeing.

[49:05] It's worth your time, yeah.

[49:06] Yeah, there are bad 70s and 80s sex comedies, and they're great.

[49:13] 70s and 80s sex comedies, and Hot's is one of the latter.

Stuart Wellington

[49:16] I'm glad that that long setup led to you saying Hot's was great and not bad.

Dan McCoy

[49:21] No, it is.

[49:22] There's a scene with the aforementioned seal and a hot air balloon.

[49:27] Of course.

[49:28] Why not?

[49:29] Amazing.

[49:30] Yeah.

[49:31] I recommend Hot's.

[49:32] Sure.

[49:33] No, I think we gathered that.

[49:34] Which takes us into our recommendation segment.

[49:35] I think you've recommended Hot's before, by the way.

[49:38] No, but we're going to go into our recommendation segment and thank movies other than Priest that

[49:42] we would recommend.

[49:44] And because I haven't seen any movies recently, I'm going to recommend Hot's.

Stuart Wellington

[49:50] Oh, if only Elliot was here to make fun of you for that, when it's just me.

[49:55] No, he's not.

[49:55] I'm the only one who can make fun of you for recommending the same movie multiple times.

[49:59] No, are they...

[49:59] How dare you?

S2

[50:00] Are the Hot's...

[50:01] Are they cheerleaders?

Stuart Wellington

[50:02] Because I like the cheerleaders.

[50:03] No, they're members of a sorority.

[50:06] They're kind of like the slobs of the girls, though.

[50:08] Yeah.

[50:09] Snobs versus slobs.

[50:10] Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Dan McCoy

[50:11] Here's the thing.

[50:12] This is a member of...

[50:12] These are sorority girls who are unapologetic about their fondness for sex.

[50:19] And I'll say something about...

[50:20] This is the closest that a TNA comedy of that era came to feminism.

[50:26] Because the thing is, this is not a movie about a bunch of fucking slobs who sneak in and spy on naked ladies.

[50:36] A viable activity.

[50:38] These are women who genuinely like sex themselves and are enthusiastic about it.

[50:45] And are the heroines of their own film.

[50:49] And, I mean, as far as this genre goes, I think that's about as good as it gets.

[50:53] Yeah, they're independent gals.

[50:55] They're independent gals.

[50:57] It's like a sorority filled with Betsy Rosses.

[50:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[51:01] Standing up for womankind.

[51:04] I like it.

[51:07] Tom, do you have a movie to recommend?

[51:09] This is the point where we recommend a movie we actually like.

[51:11] So you wouldn't say Priest, for instance.

S2

[51:13] All right, I wouldn't say...

[51:14] Okay.

[51:15] I was going to say it.

[51:16] Okay.

[51:18] Well, for vampire movies, I would...

[51:20] I mean, I'm sure everyone's seen it, but Let the Right One In is great.

[51:24] And that's fairly recent.

[51:26] Foreign film.

[51:27] So check that out if you haven't.

[51:29] But I just saw Drive, which was fantastic.

[51:34] Really enjoyed that.

[51:35] Really gritty.

[51:36] Kind of noir.

[51:38] Kind of a throwback to 70s car chase movies.

[51:40] So check that out as well.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] So there are two solid recommendations.

[51:45] I'm going to recommend...

[51:46] I'm going to recommend a movie that the first time I saw it, I actually didn't like it.

[51:52] But I watched it again recently.

[51:53] It's Minority Report.

[51:55] The Steven Spielberg movie with Tom Cruise in it.

[51:58] And Max von Sydow, of course.

Dan McCoy

[52:00] And...

[52:01] How can you forget Max von Sydow?

Stuart Wellington

[52:02] I mean, it's kind of a longer movie.

[52:05] I remember watching it as a younger man.

Dan McCoy

[52:09] Being bored by the scene where Tom Cruise is running after his own eyeballs.

Stuart Wellington

[52:12] Yep.

[52:13] Calling it derisively my snority report.

[52:18] Oh, man.

[52:18] On more than one occasion, might I add.

[52:21] But watching it again, it kind of reminds me that before and mainly after that movie's been released,

[52:30] there haven't been that many good sci-fi movies that seem comfortable being sci-fi movies.

[52:36] Like that will throw in kind of weird sci-fi elements like the cars that go sideways or his eyeballs coming out.

[52:45] And actually enjoy it.

[52:48] Most of the time when there's big sci-fi, two and a half hour sci-fi movies,

[52:52] there are giant robots beating the shit out of other giant robots.

[52:55] So...

[52:56] Are you making fun of real steel?

[52:59] I am not.

[53:01] Not yet.

[53:03] I'm waiting.

[53:03] I'm waiting to see if we get to watch it together.

[53:06] So Minority Report, I liked it.

[53:09] The second time.

[53:10] You know, second time.

S2

[53:13] I felt it should have ended much sooner than it did.

[53:16] There's a part of the movie where, you know, spoiler alert, Tom Cruise is locked up in some cryogenic thing.

[53:23] And the camera kind of pans back.

[53:26] And you think it's going to end.

[53:27] But then it keeps going.

[53:29] Yeah.

[53:29] He kind of Spielbergs the ending a bit.

[53:31] But it's very enjoyable.

[53:33] Are you making fun of mine?

[53:35] Spielbergs the ending.

[53:36] So guys.

Dan McCoy

[53:39] So...

[53:39] This has been a productive evening.

[53:41] We've watched Priest.

[53:43] We've learned a lot about vampires.

[53:44] And Hots.

[53:45] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[53:46] And what...

[53:47] Priest.

[53:48] What the letters in Hots stands for.

[53:50] What the letters in Priest stands for.

[53:52] We learned that another listener likes us talking about DuckTales.

[53:55] So I'm going to brush up on my DuckTales stuff.

Dan McCoy

[53:58] And we will renew our call for anyone who can send us a copy of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[54:04] Contact me.

[54:05] Still a bit.

[54:06] Contact me privately.

[54:08] Get in touch.

[54:09] We can arrange something.

[54:10] Have a private lesson.

[54:13] Sure.

[54:16] A tomboy, if you will.

[54:18] It's another one.

[54:19] Yeah, it's more...

[54:20] Period.

[54:20] Yeah.

[54:22] But anyway.

[54:23] For now.

[54:25] Your podcast buddies have to say goodbye.

Stuart Wellington

[54:29] And thanks again to Tom for sitting in.

[54:31] Hey, it was great.

[54:32] Thanks for having me.

[54:33] Sorry again about Priest.

[54:35] It was Dan's call.

[54:38] I wanted to watch Hall Pass, probably.

S2

[54:42] I would have preferred Nuns on the Run.

[54:44] It's a little old for us.

[54:46] But...

[54:46] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[54:46] Yeah.

[54:47] I mean, I'd watch that.

S2

[54:48] I'm waiting for the reboot.

Stuart Wellington

[54:49] Let's watch...

[54:49] Yeah, let's watch Nuns on the Run.

[54:51] All right.

[54:52] Let's do that now.

Dan McCoy

[54:53] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[54:55] I'm still Stuart Wellington.

[54:57] And I am Tom Silvestro.

[54:59] Good night, everyone.

S2

[55:10] You guys don't do spoiler warnings at the top.

[55:13] Nope.

[55:13] You just assume.

[55:15] I mean, we...

[55:15] Has that ever angered anyone?

[55:17] Beginning dick.

Dan McCoy

[55:20] A great big dick.

Stuart Wellington

[55:25] Spoiler warnings.

The Flop House: Episode #88 - Priest

Transcript

In this episode

Description