The Flop House: Episode #89 - Season of the Witch

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Shocktober continues, and so does our love affair with Nicolas Cage,

[0:04] as we talk about Season of the Witch.

[0:07] Also, a short audio note, Elliot's microphone appears to have had some problem with it

[0:13] during the early part of this episode, but keep listening as we do eventually fix the problem.

[0:18] Our apologies for the technical difficulties.

[0:30] Season of the Witch

Stuart Wellington

[1:00] Hey, guys.

[1:00] Right on.

[1:01] All three of us are here, so that's some good news.

[1:03] We're back.

[1:04] The three of us.

[1:04] I mean, you're saying that like we're never together.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07] Three of us.

[1:07] Guys that are three in number one.

[1:09] I mean, I think that our...

[1:11] He's already singing.

[1:12] Three of us.

[1:13] Just the three of us.

Dan McCoy

[1:14] I think our listeners appreciate the effort we put into getting good guest hosts,

[1:20] but they also love the original Peaches.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24] There was a period when we had a lot of guest hosts,

[1:26] but recently we've had many more episodes where all three of us had guest hosts.

[1:30] Yeah.

[1:30] Each time you go, hey, all three of us, like we invented the fucking wheel.

[1:33] Yeah.

[1:34] What's going on there, guy?

[1:35] We didn't win the Nobel Prize.

[1:36] Fella.

[1:36] We just found a night we were all free to watch Season of the Witch.

[1:39] When you can no longer...

Stuart Wellington

[1:39] We didn't kill some kind of demon and send it back to wherever demons come from.

Dan McCoy

[1:43] When you can no longer take joy in the small things in life,

[1:46] that's when you know that you're clinically depressed.

[1:48] So maybe you guys need to turn that gaze on yourselves.

[1:53] Like the man in the mirror?

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] Is Dan wearing a gaze on ourselves?

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:56] Dan, is this more of your homophobic ranting?

Dan McCoy

[1:58] I am wearing a tuxedo.

[2:00] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] Listeners, if you hear anything different, it's because Dan's not wearing pants.

[2:04] He's instead wearing a Speedo with a tuxedo design on it.

[2:07] Stuart, would you like to explain this?

Stuart Wellington

[2:09] Dan's taking it for what we in the industry call a test drive.

[2:14] The industry of tuxedo Speedo wearers.

[2:18] It's an industry?

[2:19] Yeah, it's an industry.

[2:19] And in preparation for my upcoming nuptials where the male guests are encouraged to purchase

[2:28] and then wear a tuxedo Speedo.

Dan McCoy

[2:30] Now, I want to tell a story about this.

[2:33] You're right.

[2:33] This is a story podcast.

[2:34] I got...

[2:35] Can we just get to the letters?

[2:38] No, I received a package with this tuxedo in it at work.

[2:43] And I was holding it up.

[2:46] I was showing my office mate, Joe Miller, this...

[2:52] Technically sexual harassment.

[2:54] This tuxedo.

[2:56] And I said...

[2:57] And she said...

[2:58] Is that different from sexual harassment?

[3:00] Yeah, that's when you use jazz.

[3:02] Oh, okay.

[3:02] It's jazz.

[3:03] And her response was, so this is for your non-gay friend's wedding.

[3:08] And Elliot and I had to sort of explain...

[3:10] I think that's a pretty good way to describe me as a non-gay friend.

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] The non-gay friend with a big bushy mustache to wear his tuxedo Speedo.

[3:18] Yeah, we had to explain...

[3:19] It's weird about that.

Dan McCoy

[3:20] We had to explain Stuart to Joe, which led Elliot to say, he's just very comfortable with his body.

[3:27] That was how Elliot explained Stuart.

[3:30] Is that what I said?

[3:30] Yep.

[3:30] I don't remember.

[3:31] You just got to get into the rhythm of the night, you know?

[3:34] What?

[3:35] Well, moving along.

[3:38] What do we do here?

[3:40] No, before we get into it, I just want to...

[3:42] Dave, get you just a little closer to the table so I have to see less of your fleshy thigh.

[3:46] Upper thighs.

[3:47] Fleshy.

[3:48] These are toned, friend.

[3:50] Well, they're really toned.

[3:51] They're not very tanned.

[3:52] No, they're not very tanned.

[3:53] No, that's what I meant.

[3:53] Toned, not tanned.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] Was it your pale Tim Burton-esque thigh?

Dan McCoy

[3:58] Your hairy shading into pubic area.

Stuart Wellington

[4:02] No, that's great.

[4:03] I mean, yeah.

[4:05] I mean, you'll put some beads in it when we're down in Puerto Rico.

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] This podcast isn't rated X for black.

[4:11] Is that a Madden Magazine rating?

[4:13] Yes, rated black.

Dan McCoy

[4:16] No, but before we get into it, I did want to say...

[4:19] We got into it.

[4:20] Yeah, we're into it.

[4:20] We're into it.

[4:21] We're in the mix, guys.

[4:22] We're balls deep.

[4:23] Oh, my God.

[4:23] Oh, yeah.

[4:25] You may be hearing a slight audio difference.

[4:28] We have fingers crossed and wood knocked upon solved the audio issue.

[4:35] We got some shorter chords.

Stuart Wellington

[4:38] So if you're currently hearing reggaeton music, we will look like assholes now.

Dan McCoy

[4:43] Well, I mean, maybe you should look outside.

[4:45] Maybe someone is driving by in their car.

[4:47] They're playing music loudly.

[4:49] Maybe you're in a band that plays that kind of music.

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] Yeah.

[4:51] You're listening to this podcast during rehearsal.

Dan McCoy

[4:53] Maybe you're schizophrenic and you hear music all the time.

[4:58] These are all things you should look into.

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] Maybe you killed a reggaeton musician by accident and a curse was put on you.

[5:03] Sure.

[5:04] So you'd always hear their music.

Dan McCoy

[5:06] Gypsies play that music, right?

[5:08] Yeah, Gypsies.

[5:08] Okay.

[5:10] So I think we got the important points out of the way.

[5:13] The text speedo, the audio quality.

[5:16] The audio quality.

Stuart Wellington

[5:18] We're recording this episode earlier than normal.

[5:20] That's a pretty big deal.

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] You can probably tell we have a lot more energy.

[5:23] We got a lot more spice.

Stuart Wellington

[5:26] Okay.

[5:27] Spice.

Elliott Kalan

[5:28] Let's not parse that sentence.

[5:30] Wiz.

[5:31] Wiz.

[5:32] I rock.

[5:33] So we're done with the movie.

[5:34] Sure.

[5:34] Why not?

[5:35] We are seven minutes into this.

Dan McCoy

[5:37] Well, some of that's outtakes.

[5:38] Sure.

[5:39] All of it, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[5:42] So we, this is a new episode.

[5:45] All you new listeners, this is our Nicolas Cage cast.

[5:48] No, it's not.

[5:49] It's not Cage House.

[5:49] Cage House.

[5:50] It's inaccurate.

[5:51] Where we watch movies featuring Nicolas Cage and then we talk about him generally favorably.

[5:56] If I recall.

[5:57] Yeah.

[5:57] Well, almost always.

[5:59] Batman has never made a bad movie.

[6:01] This episode is dedicated to his latest work of art.

[6:04] Mm-hmm.

[6:05] The Shocktober episode.

[6:06] Yeah.

[6:07] Oh, my mistake.

[6:07] It's a Shocktober episode.

[6:09] Yeah.

[6:09] I think.

[6:09] Which was probably indicated by the lead-in music.

[6:11] Yeah.

[6:12] And it is season.

[6:15] Wait.

[6:15] What were you going to say?

Elliott Kalan

[6:16] What's favorite about Shocktober episodes of the podcast is that they are horror movies.

[6:19] As opposed to other times of the year when they are horror movies.

[6:21] Can I introduce the movie now?

[6:23] Oh, yes.

[6:23] Okay.

[6:24] Season.

[6:25] One more thing about the movie is, well, it's what you should tell me.

Stuart Wellington

[6:27] Okay.

[6:28] Season.

[6:29] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] But we're not really a Nicolas Cage podcast, right?

[6:32] No.

Stuart Wellington

[6:32] Okay.

[6:33] Of the Witch.

[6:37] Season of the Witch.

[6:38] The popular.

[6:39] Oh, right.

[6:40] You missed that first part.

Dan McCoy

[6:41] Someone bought the rights to the popular Donovan song and turned it into a film.

[6:46] It's like Battleship the movie, right?

[6:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:48] This is not the first movie called Season of the Witch.

[6:50] It's also a George Romero movie called Season of the Witch.

Stuart Wellington

[6:53] Is it about knights battling demons?

Elliott Kalan

[6:55] No.

[6:55] It's about a suburban housewife who joins a coven.

[6:58] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[6:58] Isn't that...

[6:59] Doesn't that movie have an alternate title, though?

[7:01] I feel like...

[7:01] Yes, I think so.

[7:02] I can't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] It's not Coven or Coven, though.

[7:05] That's a movie from American.

Dan McCoy

[7:06] It's not Night of the Demons.

[7:08] Not Night of the Demon.

[7:09] It's not Night of the Demons 2?

Elliott Kalan

[7:11] Nope.

[7:12] More knights, more demons.

[7:14] Okay.

[7:15] So Season of the Witch.

[7:15] Tales from the Book Presents.

[7:18] Is it Bordello of Blood?

[7:20] No, it is not.

[7:21] It is not Tales from the Dark Side the movie.

[7:24] Nor is it Creepshow.

[7:25] Creepshow 2?

[7:26] It is not.

Stuart Wellington

[7:28] Popcorn?

[7:28] Buy a bag, go home in a box.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] It is not Hot Dog the movie?

Stuart Wellington

[7:35] All fucking trails go back and lead back to fucking Hot Dog, huh?

[7:39] Of course.

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] So, Stuart, you did such a good job of summarizing the movie last time.

[7:42] Do you want to try again this time?

Stuart Wellington

[7:44] No, I wasn't paying attention this time.

Elliott Kalan

[7:46] Oh, okay.

[7:46] Well, then I'll do it.

[7:47] Let's see if I can remember it.

[7:50] I was so distracted by seeing so much of Dan's area.

[7:54] But let's see.

Stuart Wellington

[7:55] Nicholas Cage is a demon?

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] No.

[7:58] Nicholas, the open with a priest killing a bunch of women who have been accused of being witches.

[8:04] And he has to, after killing them, he has to say over their body a prayer from what they call the Book of Solomon.

[8:09] A prayer for Owen Meany.

[8:10] A prayer for Owen Meany.

[8:11] From the Book of Solomon, even though it's written in Latin, a language I'm pretty sure didn't exist when Solomon was king.

[8:18] Anyhoo, move on from that.

[8:19] But he fails to stop one of the witches who killed him.

Stuart Wellington

[8:22] What language is he speaking?

[8:24] Latin.

[8:25] Okay.

[8:25] No, but the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[8:26] The whole time of the movie?

Stuart Wellington

[8:28] Yeah, the whole time.

[8:29] Yeah, he's talking English with a very bland, like American accent.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] This is a movie that takes place in the Middle Ages.

[8:34] I should have mentioned that.

[8:35] 13th and 14th centuries.

[8:37] But everyone has...

[8:37] A.D.

[8:38] A.D., as the titles tell us, in case we forgot.

[8:43] But there's no uniform accent.

[8:46] Everyone in this movie has a different accent.

Stuart Wellington

[8:48] I think even some of the British guys have bland American accents.

Dan McCoy

[8:51] Well, that's the thing.

[8:52] Several of the American actors appear to be doing a slight English accent.

[8:57] And then, as you point out, there's an English actor who is doing kind of like an American gangster accent or something.

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] Well, and it's like Star Wars that way, where it's kind of England, but it's kind of not England.

Stuart Wellington

[9:09] We're talking about death sticks.

[9:11] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[9:11] Yes, exactly.

[9:13] Anyway, then we cut to It's the Crusades.

[9:17] And Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman are two night-fighting buddies who have joined the Crusades together.

[9:23] They generally have a rousy good time fighting Muslims, killing people, and getting drinks at the local taverns that apparently exist in the Muslim...

Dan McCoy

[9:32] Yeah, right next to the Crusades.

Elliott Kalan

[9:34] Yeah.

[9:36] Conveniently located adjacent to the Crusades.

[9:38] Until, one day, they attack a fort and Nicolas Cage realizes they're killing women and children.

[9:44] He realizes because he runs through the gate and he stabs a woman.

[9:48] He runs through the gate sword first and in the fog of war runs it all the way to the hilt into a woman's belly.

[9:53] And that's when he suddenly realizes, oh, maybe this Crusades thing wasn't such a great idea.

Stuart Wellington

[9:57] Well, he looks around and it's only women and children lying around dead.

[10:01] Yeah.

[10:01] It's kind of weird.

[10:02] They shouldn't have been hanging out there.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] No, yeah, at the doors of a battle.

[10:04] Yeah.

[10:05] Yeah.

[10:05] He cuts ties with the church and he and Ron Perlman.

[10:10] And the two of them are probably the oldest night-

[10:12] TV's Beast.

[10:13] Right, guys?

[10:14] TV's Beast.

[10:16] TV's Beast.

[10:16] The movie is Hellboy.

[10:18] Yep.

[10:19] Seen by me most recently in the hit film Drive.

[10:21] Yeah.

[10:22] In which he was very good.

[10:23] Mm-hmm.

[10:23] I remember him from Kronos.

[10:25] He looked very large in Drive.

Stuart Wellington

[10:26] Do you think he was wearing a fat suit or do you think he just put on some weight?

[10:28] I think he's become kind of puffy in his age.

[10:31] TV's Sons of Anarchy.

Elliott Kalan

[10:33] Yep.

[10:34] He's in a lot of things.

[10:35] So now we've established who Ron Perlman is.

[10:37] And that it's not Ron Perlman, former head of Revlon and owner of Marvel Comics.

[10:42] But Ron Perlman, the actor.

[10:44] The two of them hit the road as two wandering buddies.

[10:48] Vagabonds.

[10:48] Wandering vagabonds.

[10:50] Yep.

[10:50] Who knows what crazy adventures they'll get into.

[10:52] I know.

[10:53] Yeah.

[10:53] Because we saw the movie.

[10:54] They stumble upon a farm where two people have had a hideous plague before them.

[10:59] Their bodies are covered in buboes and so forth and sores.

Stuart Wellington

[11:04] And one of them's still alive.

Elliott Kalan

[11:06] For a second and goes, ah!

[11:07] And then dies.

Stuart Wellington

[11:08] Just enough to scare the viewers.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] They go to the town nearby leading to the immortal line, there's the town.

[11:17] And they find that the town is one of many little kingdom castlets affected by this plague.

[11:22] What's caused it?

[11:23] Well, Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman find out when they are thrown in the dungeon for deserting

[11:29] the crusading army.

[11:30] It turns out there's a witch and the witch has caused it.

[11:34] The witch has caged it.

[11:35] Burn her.

[11:35] Well, they can't.

[11:37] Here's why they can't burn her.

[11:38] They need to cast a spell on her to de-witchify her in order to lift the plague.

[11:44] And so...

[11:45] Well, that makes sense.

[11:46] In exchange for their fridem, Ron Perlman and...

[11:49] I keep wanting to say Lee Marvin for some reason.

[11:51] I don't want to say that.

[11:52] I'm saying Ron Perlman.

[11:53] Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage...

[11:54] And I'm phrasing it as if Ron Perlman is the star of it.

[11:57] It's Nicolas Cage.

[11:58] Have to go...

[11:59] We can dream.

[12:00] Yes.

[12:00] With a ragtag bunch, they have to go and take this witch to a monastery where the monks

[12:07] have the one remaining last Book of Solomon.

[12:10] And they can save a spell that will de-witchify her and lift the plague of darkness from out.

[12:15] So they can't just kill her.

[12:17] They can't just kill her because that would leave the plague in place.

[12:19] It may even make it worse.

[12:21] I don't know.

[12:21] Along the way, I can't quite remember at which point they realize that she's not a witch.

Dan McCoy

[12:26] She's possessed.

[12:27] Very late.

[12:28] By a demon.

[12:28] Not until the end.

Elliott Kalan

[12:29] They have a series of adventures.

[12:30] They fight a bunch of wolves who are very good at jumping at swords and impaling themselves on them.

Stuart Wellington

[12:36] They kill all of the wolves and then for some reason they start running away from them.

[12:40] They cross a bridge.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] They kill like 60 wolves.

[12:43] And then there are five wolves that go, oh, we gotta get out of here.

Stuart Wellington

[12:46] They're tired of killing them.

[12:47] Feets don't fail me now.

[12:48] They're nervous about depleting the wolf population in the area.

Elliott Kalan

[12:52] They don't want the deer to overpopulate.

Dan McCoy

[12:54] Yeah.

[12:55] I mean, there's a balance.

[12:56] Yeah, it's ecosystem.

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] They have to cross a rickety bridge.

[13:01] Along the way, a couple of their members die.

[13:04] And it turns out...

Stuart Wellington

[13:05] Wolves to one of their friends stabbing them in the belly.

Elliott Kalan

[13:09] ...by accident in some kind of mass grave.

[13:13] And it turns out they get to the monastery.

[13:15] All the monks have died of the same plague, same buboes, same swords.

Stuart Wellington

[13:18] How ironic, huh?

[13:19] I guess.

[13:20] I don't know if it's ironic.

[13:21] I don't understand.

[13:22] It's a clear example of dramatic irony.

[13:24] And that's when they learn...

[13:25] It's the inciting incident.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] And up to this point, the young girl has shown that she has amazing...

[13:31] The witch has amazing strength.

[13:34] She can cast illusions, kind of.

[13:38] She seems to know what's going on in people's memories.

[13:41] Turns out, as mentioned, she's possessed by a demon.

Stuart Wellington

[13:44] Okay.

[13:45] So, wait.

[13:46] Is that different?

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] You gotta do a different spell from the Book of Solomon.

Stuart Wellington

[13:49] Well, I mean, if she's a witch, that's her fault.

[13:51] Yes.

[13:52] If there's a demon...

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] She's just been possessed by a demon.

[13:54] She's still pure of heart and innocent of soul.

Stuart Wellington

[13:56] I mean, they still have to do a magic spell, though, right?

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] Yeah, but they don't have to burn her or drown her.

Stuart Wellington

[14:01] So, they could have just done that spell a long time ago?

[14:04] They didn't have the book.

[14:04] Oh, okay.

[14:04] He's in the Book of Solomon.

Elliott Kalan

[14:05] There's only one copy in the monastery.

[14:07] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[14:07] So, the demon tricked him into going there because the demon wants to do something with the book.

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] For some reason, that book gives the demon amazing power.

[14:14] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[14:14] Yeah, that was a point that you made, Elliot.

[14:16] Like, they say, oh, no.

[14:18] The demon has tricked us into going here.

[14:21] Like, to the place that they were going anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[14:23] They're going to go to the first thing.

[14:24] Everything along our path has led us to here.

[14:27] Yeah, the place you were going.

[14:29] Yeah, the place with the book that you wanted.

Stuart Wellington

[14:31] So, wait.

[14:31] There was a moment where the characters thought back to earlier moments in the story and came

[14:36] to realizations.

[14:37] And that's shown to the viewers through a shitload of flashbacks of things we saw like five minutes

[14:42] ago.

[14:42] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[14:42] Well, the thing is, you learn that every time someone said, let's just kill the witch,

[14:46] that person ended up dead.

[14:48] Okay.

[14:49] But they didn't want to kill the witch in the first place.

[14:51] Like, there was no reason.

[14:52] Basically, this demon went to a shitload of trouble for no reason.

Dan McCoy

[14:55] Yeah, if the demon had just, you know, behaved itself through the entire trip, then it would

[15:01] be a...

[15:02] Everything would have been fine.

Stuart Wellington

[15:03] It would have been fine.

[15:04] Yeah, I mean, it's a demon, so it's got magic powers.

[15:07] What's...

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] Sorry, I was...

[15:09] I...

[15:09] Ever since that...

[15:10] Ever since the radio thing, I've been obsessed with the witch.

Stuart Wellington

[15:11] Extra nervous.

[15:13] No, no.

[15:13] We checked it.

[15:13] It's fine.

[15:14] It's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[15:14] Okay.

[15:15] So, yeah, but the demon and the stuff...

Stuart Wellington

[15:17] You don't want to record this and I have to trash it.

[15:18] Exactly.

[15:19] Okay.

[15:19] This is a cult.

[15:20] We talked about Dan's batch.

[15:22] We talked about...

[15:22] Batch?

[15:23] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[15:24] You know.

[15:24] Junk.

[15:25] You know, it was Buffalo.

[15:25] Oh, okay.

[15:26] It was the Buffalo area.

Elliott Kalan

[15:27] So, anyway, back to the movie.

[15:30] So, to make a long story short, they go to the belfry of the monastery.

[15:35] The demon sends a shitload of zombie monks after them.

[15:38] They learn that it's really easy to kill the zombies if you just cut their heads off, which

[15:42] is incredibly easy to do, apparently, but for some reason they don't always do that.

Stuart Wellington

[15:46] Yeah, they, instead of just doing that attack, they sometimes stab to the belly or throw daggers

[15:51] at people.

Elliott Kalan

[15:52] Yeah, just push them away.

[15:54] And then the demon comes back.

[15:56] The priest that was with them the whole time starts saying the spell.

[16:00] The demon kills him.

[16:01] Yeah, that makes sense.

[16:02] It's a CGI demon, by the way.

[16:03] It's no longer a girl.

[16:04] It's a big CGI demon.

[16:06] And...

Dan McCoy

[16:06] It looks like a gargoyle.

[16:07] Speaking of Tales from the Dark Side, the movie.

[16:08] Yes.

[16:09] It looks like a shittier, computer-generated version of the demons from that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[16:13] That's fair, yeah.

[16:14] Yeah, like a gargoyle.

[16:15] Mm-hmm.

[16:16] Like the hit cartoon show, Gogwals.

Stuart Wellington

[16:17] It kind of looks like one of those things.

[16:19] Yeah, except without a loincloth.

[16:20] And without the almost Bruce Timm-esque designs.

Elliott Kalan

[16:23] Yes.

[16:25] I wouldn't even say almost.

[16:26] Definitely Bruce Timm-esque.

[16:27] Yeah.

[16:28] Somebody else says the spell.

[16:30] In his death throes, Nicolas Cage saves the spell-sayer from the demon, and the demon

[16:35] gets all burned up.

[16:37] Nicolas Cage dies.

[16:38] The girl that the demon had possessed is okay.

[16:41] Ron Perlman's dead.

[16:42] Everyone's dead except the girl and this other character, and they ride off into the distance.

[16:46] The book of Solomon.

[16:47] Mm-hmm.

[16:48] Season of the witch, the end.

Stuart Wellington

[16:49] And there's...

[16:50] And the plague is lifted.

[16:51] Yeah, there's like a little bit of a narrative at the end about how the plague was lifted

[16:54] because the demon was killed.

[16:55] And they say...

[16:56] Addressing nothing about, you know, proper disposal of corpses or other hygienic practices.

Elliott Kalan

[17:00] Well, they say some...

[17:01] The narration literally says, some may say it was just a disease that ran its course and burned

[17:06] away like a fever.

[17:08] But we know it was this spell.

Stuart Wellington

[17:12] We didn't lose the last chunk, did we?

[17:15] No, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] Keep talking.

[17:17] And that's the end of Season of the Witch.

[17:20] Rawr!

[17:22] Very unearned house cat, that movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:25] Apologies, we did a little auto-check because we're paranoid.

[17:30] We realized that Elliot's...

Elliott Kalan

[17:31] My microphone was a little low.

[17:33] Yeah, but now it appears to be on point.

[17:36] So I hope everyone heard my plot summary of Season of the Witch because I'm not going through

[17:40] it again.

Stuart Wellington

[17:41] I mean, yeah, I think you nailed it.

[17:43] I think that's probably the best way to describe that story.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] Mm-hmm.

[17:46] Thanks.

[17:48] So what do we have to say about this movie?

[17:49] First of all, it was thrilling.

[17:51] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] This movie sat on the shelf a long time, yeah?

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] Is that true?

[17:57] Not that long.

[17:57] I mean, the script is old.

[17:58] The script goes back to 2000.

Stuart Wellington

[18:00] I mean, it's a tale as old as time, right?

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] I mean, it does take place 700 years ago, so it's not like it's out of date or anything.

Stuart Wellington

[18:08] It was written by Shakespeare.

Elliott Kalan

[18:10] Here's my main...

[18:11] I have two things I wanted to mention about this movie.

[18:13] One is that Nicolas Cage goes way out of his way to affect kind of an old-timey cadence.

[18:18] Like, if God wants this from men, then surely God himself cannot be merciful.

[18:25] But then Ron Perlman would be like, all right, well, let's get the hell out of here.

[18:28] Like, he just says everything the way Hellboy would say it, which I liked, but it was very

[18:32] jarring every time he said it.

Dan McCoy

[18:34] I mean, if they had chosen one, it would have been fine.

[18:36] I mean, and I think that we would have preferred Ron Perlman's way.

Elliott Kalan

[18:41] Yeah, I think so.

[18:41] If everyone was just kind of like, whatever, it's the Middle Ages.

Dan McCoy

[18:44] Also, Nicolas...

[18:45] Sort of an army of darkness approach to the material.

[18:47] Yeah, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[18:48] I mean, Nicolas Cage has made enough of these movies.

[18:50] He should know when to be the grim...

[18:53] Like, he should never be the grim, like, quiet guy.

[18:57] Like, we want the crazy wackadoo.

[18:59] No, that's what I was going to say.

Dan McCoy

[19:00] Like, Nicolas Cage still has his impeccable taste in terrible movie projects.

[19:06] In hair.

[19:06] In hair, yeah.

[19:07] He has impeccable taste in movies where he has stupid hair.

Stuart Wellington

[19:09] I think he borrowed it from John Travolta in Swordfish.

[19:12] Like, he knows...

[19:13] Or Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code.

Dan McCoy

[19:15] He knows how to make...

[19:17] How to pick a movie in that the movies he picks are crazy, stupid movies.

[19:22] But he doesn't know the performance.

[19:24] It will help him find castles.

[19:25] He doesn't know the performance that he needs to give to these movies.

[19:28] Like, he saves up all his crazy performances for your bad lieutenant's port of call New Orleans.

Elliott Kalan

[19:34] I would almost say that he is saying to himself,

[19:37] What director am I going to pour a lot of energy into working with?

[19:40] Dominic Senna or Werner Herzog?

[19:43] Yeah.

[19:43] And I think he made the right choice there.

Dan McCoy

[19:45] No, it's true.

[19:46] But, I mean, if he's going to be making these crazy bad movies,

[19:50] he needs to pour some of that crazy energy.

[19:52] Step it up.

Elliott Kalan

[19:52] He's got to pour some crazy on me.

[19:54] Mm-hmm.

[19:55] He can't just be, like, mumbling his way.

[19:57] He needs to drive angry 3D.

Dan McCoy

[19:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] In Drive Angry, at least, he had swagger and things like that.

Dan McCoy

[20:01] He needs to vampires kiss these roles with his kisses.

[20:07] Goodbye.

Stuart Wellington

[20:08] Wait.

[20:08] Yeah, that was another Nicolas Cage movie, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[20:11] Yeah.

[20:11] Yes, it was.

[20:12] Sure.

[20:12] He needs to, Peggy Sue got married into leaving Las Vegas.

[20:19] Oh, man.

[20:19] We're on fire right now.

[20:21] Oh, this is our best stuff.

[20:23] Dan, can you earmark this episode as our Emmy submission episode?

[20:26] And here's the other big problem I had.

[20:30] This was, like, a fairly—

[20:32] Where's the love interest?

[20:35] I assumed Ron Perlman was the love interest.

[20:38] That's implied, I think.

[20:39] Like, the first 25 minutes of this movie were pretty fun.

[20:42] It moves really fast and there's a lot of battling.

[20:44] But it gets very slow and very boring and kind of generic.

[20:48] But the thing that bugs me about this movie is it's a movie that's saying, you know how in the Middle Ages they accused a lot of women of being witches and then burned them?

[20:56] They were right.

[20:57] There were a shitload of witches.

[20:59] Yeah.

[20:59] They caused the plague.

[21:01] And if we didn't have the witches, the plague wouldn't have happened.

[21:04] Everything's demons and witches.

[21:05] It's like, I don't—I can't buy into that.

[21:07] I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[21:08] Justifying genocide through a sci-fi movie, I think, is probably the best way.

[21:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:13] It's—it just seems very strange for them to take the side of the witch killers.

[21:17] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[21:18] Well, I guess some of us don't love witches like you do, Elliot.

[21:22] Wait, what?

[21:23] And you're—

[21:24] Wait, are you casting me as the bad guy?

[21:25] You're the husband of the devil and you—

Elliott Kalan

[21:29] That's my wife you're talking about.

[21:31] Devilina.

Stuart Wellington

[21:33] I thought Elvira was the female version of the devil.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] Well, she's the mistress of the dark, but she's kind of goofy to be the female version of the devil.

[21:41] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[21:41] She's more interested in, you know, cleavage-related pursuits.

[21:46] Yes.

[21:47] What do you mean?

[21:48] Interest, cleavage.

Elliott Kalan

[21:50] Yes, the new issue of Cleavage Aficionado is in.

[21:54] It's Elvira again.

[21:54] That's weird.

[21:55] Okay.

[21:56] She's on the cover of every issue, either her or Magana the Kissing Bandit.

[22:02] And once Miss Piggy.

Dan McCoy

[22:04] That was not the top issue of Cleavage.

[22:09] Not a high-selling issue of Cleavage Aficionado.

Elliott Kalan

[22:11] No.

[22:12] It was their all-foam issue.

[22:14] Just her and Pamela Anderson.

[22:20] So.

[22:21] Season of the Witch, huh?

[22:22] Yeah, there's a lot to talk about.

[22:24] There's a lot of—

Dan McCoy

[22:24] You've got to pick up every stitch.

Elliott Kalan

[22:27] Yeah, Dan said that about 40,000 times.

[22:29] Sorry.

[22:29] We were watching it.

[22:31] Apparently there's a song called Season of the Witch that Dan is a big fan of.

[22:34] It's a good song.

Stuart Wellington

[22:36] Did not stop singing during the movie.

Dan McCoy

[22:39] There are only a few Halloween-style rock songs out there to enjoy.

[22:47] And so I enjoy them all.

Elliott Kalan

[22:49] Okay.

[22:49] And they are?

[22:50] Monster Mash.

[22:52] Thriller.

[22:53] Both rock songs.

Dan McCoy

[22:55] Mm-hmm.

[22:59] Oye Como Va?

[23:00] The—

[23:01] Lola.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] She was a vampire, it turns out.

[23:04] Don't Fear the Reaper.

[23:06] Satisfaction, also about vampires.

Dan McCoy

[23:08] All of the Misfits songs.

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] Werewolves in London.

[23:11] Uh-huh.

[23:12] The Werewolves of London.

[23:13] Sure.

[23:13] Two different songs.

[23:14] Werewolves in London and Werewolves of London.

[23:17] Uh, Werewolves of Tokyo.

[23:20] Werewolves of Toronto.

[23:20] There's a thing about the purple people eater.

[23:22] I don't think that's a Halloween song.

[23:24] That's a song that really glosses over the fact that he eats people.

[23:29] It's—

[23:29] Every—

[23:30] Every—

[23:30] The whole song is about the purple people eater feeling bad about himself because no

[23:33] one likes him.

[23:34] He totally eats people.

[23:36] I mean, yeah.

[23:37] There's a couple indicators of his fast performance.

[23:39] You know what?

[23:40] Maybe it's not the fact that you're weird-looking.

[23:44] No.

[23:44] More the fact that people are afraid you're going to eat them.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] Well, the—

[23:47] Wait, so you're saying it's more the people eating and less the purple part.

[23:50] Yes, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] Okay.

[23:51] Or the one-eyed, one-horned, and flying parts.

Stuart Wellington

[23:55] I would think that would make him popular.

Elliott Kalan

[23:57] Yeah, at least it's something interesting.

[23:58] It's a conversation starter.

[23:59] So, what are you?

[24:01] That's how the conversation starts.

[24:02] Yeah.

[24:03] Obviously.

[24:03] At a party.

[24:04] Sure.

[24:04] I mean, that's most parties I go to.

Stuart Wellington

[24:06] That's how the conversation starts.

[24:09] And I say I'm a kissing bandit.

[24:11] Mm-hmm.

[24:12] It's part-time work.

Elliott Kalan

[24:13] And I'm going to steal from you.

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] It's part-time work.

[24:16] Ooh-hoo-hoo.

[24:17] So, Season of the Witch.

Elliott Kalan

[24:19] Do you guys have anything to say about this movie?

Stuart Wellington

[24:21] It's a tough one to talk about.

[24:22] I mean, it's fairly straightforward.

[24:25] The, there's a lot of, they seem to err on the side of computer graphics when it comes to pretty much everything.

[24:33] So, like, oh no, this guy's surrounded by wolves, but wolves aren't scary enough.

[24:38] Let's give them all demon faces all of a sudden.

Elliott Kalan

[24:41] There's a lot of characters walking through woods and sitting around campfires and not a lot of action, which is, it's like the movie used up its action quota in the ration in the beginning and then they'd save the rest for the end of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[24:54] I like the Ron Perlman quality of it.

[24:56] If this movie had been more about, like, Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage just being sassy crusaders, then I would have enjoyed it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:03] Take all the demon shit out and just have them be sassy crusaders?

Elliott Kalan

[25:06] That would have been, it's rare that I say about a movie it would have been better without all the demon stuff in it, but I would have rather seen a movie about, you know, like a, you know, just two guys, two amiable rogues having adventures in the Middle Ages.

[25:19] Yeah, I mean.

[25:20] Bedding wenches and fighting crooks, I was about to say demons, but they did that in this movie.

[25:26] I mean, swilling grog.

[25:27] Oh, grog would definitely be swilled.

Stuart Wellington

[25:30] Most of the movie you have Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman walking around basically talking about how it's not cool.

[25:36] To kill women and children and how the church could sometimes be wrong.

[25:40] But in this case, the church is right.

[25:42] There are demons and witches causing the black plague.

Dan McCoy

[25:45] Well, I mean, like, that's the, they're not totally right.

[25:47] They're, they're, they're blending on witches.

[25:49] Whereas demons are really like, probably.

[25:51] Oh, I see.

[25:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:52] So it's not, the young girls are still causing the plague.

Dan McCoy

[25:55] Well, I mean, it's not, it's a little less misogynistic.

[25:57] Not really.

[25:58] Like, demons just enjoy inhabiting young, young girls.

[26:04] Like really, like that makes it, that makes it even worse.

[26:07] No, I get it.

[26:07] Oh, you're creepy.

[26:08] Purveler.

[26:08] You're creepy, Elliot.

[26:09] You're like a demon.

[26:10] You're like a demon who likes to have a young girl.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] No, well, that's horrible.

[26:14] I'm coming from Purvisoid number one.

[26:16] That really hurts.

[26:17] Look, just because I'm wearing.

Dan McCoy

[26:18] It's the key to Purvisoid City.

[26:20] Yeah.

[26:21] Some Speedos that are, have a tuxedo emblazoned upon them.

[26:25] That doesn't mean.

[26:26] You look really comfortable wearing those, by the way.

[26:28] Yeah, a little too comfortable.

[26:29] I mean, I feel a little guilty for whoever's going to sit on this chair next.

[26:33] Like a dill suit.

[26:34] It's not only you.

[26:34] I mean, it's your apartment.

[26:35] It's true.

Stuart Wellington

[26:36] But, I mean, most of the movie is Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman running around espousing

[26:41] these opinions that, I mean, the people in modern day clearly agree with.

[26:46] Like, yeah, okay, you don't want to kill women and children.

[26:48] Yeah, you know, sometimes, like, killing possible witches for, you know, no real apparent reason

[26:55] doesn't make a lot of sense.

[26:56] Like, we agree with his character, so there's no real conflict there.

[26:59] They don't really have to make the case to us.

Elliott Kalan

[27:01] Yeah.

[27:01] It'd be different if they believed that witches were bad and you've got to kill them,

[27:06] and then they had to make us agree with them.

Stuart Wellington

[27:08] Yeah, we automatically identify with Nicolas Cage, even though he, like, doesn't really do anything

[27:13] of any import throughout the entire movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:15] Yeah, he doesn't do very much except keep this possessed woman alive at times by convincing

[27:21] other people not to kill her.

[27:23] But then he wants to kill her at one point.

[27:23] And sometimes having dreams of the woman he stabbed in the chest.

[27:26] Yeah.

[27:26] He wants to kill her at one point and the other characters won't let him.

[27:29] He doesn't really do much to earn our thinking of him as a hero.

Stuart Wellington

[27:32] He tackles the demon at one point and then gets stabbed in the back a bunch by its wing

[27:37] opinion.

Elliott Kalan

[27:39] Is that, like, an opinion about a wing?

[27:41] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[27:42] Wing opinion.

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] Yeah, it's, there's, I was reading Wikipedia that said they lowered the level of gore and

[27:48] violence in the movie so they could, I guess, make it a PG-13 movie.

[27:51] And it suffers from that.

[27:52] Not a lot.

[27:53] There's a lot, long stretches of not, not much thrills.

Stuart Wellington

[27:56] Well, people rush to the theater to see a movie set in the Middle Ages about demons.

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] Starring Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman.

Stuart Wellington

[28:02] Yeah.

[28:03] And when they find out that it's, you know, family friendly, doesn't have high levels

[28:07] of gore, everyone wants to go see it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:09] Yeah, that's true.

[28:09] After, you know, take grandma, take the kids.

[28:12] It's Thanksgiving.

[28:14] Don't even eat the turkey.

[28:15] Just go see Season of the Witch.

[28:17] It's Christmas.

[28:18] Santa's coming with his sleigh.

Stuart Wellington

[28:21] Sure, he's already brought you a gift.

[28:22] It's at the multiplex.

Elliott Kalan

[28:23] Yeah.

[28:24] Season's greetings.

[28:25] Season of the Witch's greetings, that is.

[28:28] Babysitting someone else's kids.

[28:30] Babysitting someone else's grandma.

[28:32] Take the Season of the Witch.

[28:34] It's good for ages one to one hundred and one.

Dan McCoy

[28:40] Yeah, so let's tie this up.

[28:44] With a bow.

[28:45] You don't like his bullshit about Season of the Witch.

[28:47] I thought we finally hit on something.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] Yeah, that was a good riff.

[28:50] With a bunch of bullshit.

[28:52] That would have been a great ad campaign if it was Nicolas Cage in his knight's armor

[28:57] with a Santa Claus hat holding a gift.

[29:01] Nicolas Cage has a gift for you.

[29:02] It's called Season of the Witch.

[29:03] I got you something.

Stuart Wellington

[29:04] You'll find out what it is when you go to the movie theater and say,

[29:07] One for Season of the Witch, and then give the guy some money.

[29:11] It's a surprise, though.

[29:14] You'll take me later.

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] They used to take out ads like that.

[29:18] I forget what movie it was.

[29:19] There was a movie where the ad campaign was that it was that studio's gift to the world.

[29:25] And it's like, that's really ballsy.

[29:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:29] It's like there was a...

[29:30] Unforgiven?

[29:31] Why not fun-forgiven?

[29:33] Go see Unforgiven.

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] Take the whole family.

[29:37] Take the whole clan.

Dan McCoy

[29:39] Uh, yeah.

[29:40] No, but I'm shutting it down.

Stuart Wellington

[29:42] Wow, okay.

[29:43] Shutting it down.

[29:44] Man.

[29:45] But you have a set of Tuxpedos and everything gets really organized.

Dan McCoy

[29:48] Well, we've got some great letters to get to.

[29:50] We've had some...

Elliott Kalan

[29:51] Dan suddenly got sleepy when the Tuxpedos got...

[29:52] We've got some audio issues.

[29:54] I just wonder if it's taking his spirit away.

[29:56] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] It's like a witch.

[29:57] He's possessed by his Tuxpedos.

[30:00] The Tuxedo Speedos have some kind of malign intelligence similar to the demon-faced wolves.

[30:05] It's like a...

[30:06] I'm wearing like a...

[30:07] They're easy to murder though.

[30:08] I'm wearing a Venom suit.

Dan McCoy

[30:10] Oh, it's called a Symbio.

[30:11] It's a Symbio.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] He got it during the Secret Wars.

[30:13] Yeah.

[30:14] Mm-hmm.

[30:15] Secret...

[30:15] Venom suit.

[30:16] Venom suit.

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] Secret drawers.

Stuart Wellington

[30:20] Venom suit.

[30:20] Yeah, come on.

[30:21] What do you think?

[30:21] Let's continue.

Elliott Kalan

[30:23] Let's wrap this thing up in a bow, Venom suit.

[30:25] So...

[30:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:26] Don't say Venom suit when we're at Comic New York.

[30:28] Oh, yeah.

[30:29] We're going to go to...

[30:29] New York Flopcon.

[30:30] We're going to talk about that.

Elliott Kalan

[30:31] 2011 this weekend?

[30:32] Well, we got...

[30:32] Don't we have to give our final...

[30:33] We'll give our final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[30:34] Then we'll talk about Flopcon.

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] Flopcon 2011?

[30:36] Okay.

[30:36] At the Javits Center?

[30:37] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[30:37] So...

[30:39] Was this movie...

[30:41] There's only the New York one.

[30:42] Boiseo, I don't know.

[30:43] Was this movie...

[30:44] Scarily good?

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] Scarily...

[30:46] Scarily bad?

[30:48] Or scarily...

[30:49] Meh.

Stuart Wellington

[30:50] I thought it was spookily good bad.

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] Spookily good...

[30:55] So, Dan, what was the...

[30:56] What are the...

Dan McCoy

[30:57] Was it...

[30:57] Totally scarifying?

[30:59] Scarifying.

[31:00] Okay.

[31:01] Totally snorifying.

[31:03] Or was it frighteningly funny?

Elliott Kalan

[31:05] Okay.

[31:06] None of those apply.

[31:08] They are all...

[31:10] Just inappropriate to this.

[31:14] But, Stuart, maybe you go first.

Stuart Wellington

[31:17] You know, I'll give it a...

[31:19] I'll give it a frighteningly...

[31:22] Snorifying?

[31:23] Wait, no.

Elliott Kalan

[31:25] Oh, my God.

[31:26] One of the...

[31:27] Wait.

[31:27] Not...

[31:28] It was scarily snorifying?

Dan McCoy

[31:30] No, no, no.

[31:31] No, but I will...

[31:32] You're making a mockery of the seasonal ratings.

Stuart Wellington

[31:35] Horrifically bad or good?

[31:37] I will...

[31:37] I'll agree with you, though.

[31:39] Like, it moved along fairly quickly.

[31:43] It wasn't as painful to watch as some other movies.

[31:47] It was instantly forgotten.

[31:49] Yeah, not memorable.

[31:51] It wasn't...

[31:52] I wouldn't say funny, but it wasn't totally snorifying until you get to about four...

[31:57] Thirty-five minutes in, then it gets kind of boring for a while.

Elliott Kalan

[32:00] This is an hour and a half long movie, so it's not like it took a long time to watch.

Stuart Wellington

[32:03] I mean, an hour and twenty-five minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] Yeah.

[32:05] A little bit longer.

[32:06] Well, I guess an hour and twenty-five, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:07] And, uh, so...

[32:09] I mean, it was pretty good.

[32:10] When the wolves started killing people, we were talking a bunch, so I don't really remember.

Elliott Kalan

[32:13] Well, it was just ridiculous, because the wolves barely killed anybody.

[32:17] The wolves did a lot of jumping onto people's weapons, jumping in the way of swords.

Stuart Wellington

[32:20] And there was a moment where Nicolas Cage was being approached by two wolves from opposite directions,

[32:24] and you're really hoping he's going to jump over them.

[32:27] So the wolves will hit each other.

[32:28] Yeah, smash each other.

[32:29] Maybe bite each other really hard.

Elliott Kalan

[32:31] Like, here's how threatening the wolves were.

[32:32] If Nicolas Cage was standing next to a cliff, the wolf would have jumped off the cliff.

[32:36] Yeah.

[32:37] And, like, maybe jumped into his hands.

Stuart Wellington

[32:39] Like the wolf in the Benji movie, when the wolf's attacking Benji and it jumps off the cliff.

[32:42] Season of the Benji?

[32:43] Yeah.

[32:44] That one?

[32:45] Yeah.

[32:45] Season of the Benji.

[32:47] Benji of the Witch?

Dan McCoy

[32:49] Oh, Heavenly Witch.

Stuart Wellington

[32:50] Okay, so that was my review.

[32:51] Oh God, you witch-all?

Dan McCoy

[32:52] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] Frighteningly snorifying.

[32:55] Elliot.

[32:56] Okay, I'm going to agree with Stuart on every count, I guess.

[32:59] It was not the worst movie we've seen.

[33:02] Not particularly interesting or memorable.

[33:04] But the first half hour, I was saying to you guys, like, I'm enjoying this a lot more than most of the movies we've seen lately.

[33:10] But then it just bogged down and got dull.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] It's better than Bangkok Dangerous, not as good as Next.

Elliott Kalan

[33:15] And not as good as...

[33:16] Drive Angry.

[33:17] Drive Angry.

[33:17] I like Drive Angry more.

[33:18] Yeah.

[33:19] Yeah, in the Cage canon.

[33:21] Yeah.

[33:21] I'd put it, yeah, squarely in the middle.

[33:23] Better than Knowing, too.

[33:24] Ugh.

[33:25] Way better than Knowing.

Dan McCoy

[33:26] Yeah.

[33:26] Yeah, I agree with you guys.

[33:27] I mean, I might look at it a bit better than Next.

[33:29] I don't like it as Drive Angry.

[33:29] But not as good as Source and Apprentice.

Elliott Kalan

[33:31] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[33:32] Which itself is kind of dull.

Stuart Wellington

[33:33] But Next was the one where you could see what happens next.

[33:35] What happens next.

[33:36] What happens next.

Dan McCoy

[33:36] Yeah, sure.

[33:38] Yeah, no, I agree.

Elliott Kalan

[33:39] I can see a Seinfeld rerun is coming up next.

[33:43] Next.

[33:44] You're just holding the TV guide.

[33:46] Put that down, John, next.

Dan McCoy

[33:48] Ron Perlman was the best thing about this movie.

[33:50] Yes.

[33:50] And I think I should have been called Season of the Ron Perlman.

[33:53] And I would have enjoyed it a lot.

[33:56] Different movie.

Stuart Wellington

[33:57] Harder to market.

[33:59] Especially in foreign countries.

[34:01] A little too on the nose for some people.

[34:04] Let's just call Ron Perlman the movie.

[34:05] Too self-aware.

[34:06] So.

[34:07] He is JCVD.

[34:08] Sort of thing.

[34:09] Yeah.

[34:09] Or BVD.

[34:11] What?

Elliott Kalan

[34:11] I don't know.

[34:12] But I agree with you guys in spirit.

[34:14] And not.

[34:15] In reality.

[34:16] I hate you.

[34:17] Wow.

[34:19] A surprise ending.

[34:21] The evil shorts are continuing to destroy Dan's mind.

Stuart Wellington

[34:25] His air quotes Venom suit that he's wearing.

Elliott Kalan

[34:28] His Venom suit.

Stuart Wellington

[34:30] Venom suit.

[34:32] Blag.

[34:33] Venom suit.

[34:34] Wow.

[34:35] Let's continue.

Elliott Kalan

[34:35] Spider person's Venom suit.

[34:37] That he wears.

[34:39] In marble comic stories.

[34:43] When he fights Incredible Green Man.

[34:45] And Captain United States.

Dan McCoy

[34:51] So where are we going this weekend guys?

[34:54] Oh man.

[34:55] Let's talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] With Professor Gex.

[34:58] And Wolverchunk.

Stuart Wellington

[35:00] Can't wait to see what the avenging guys.

Dan McCoy

[35:12] Wolverchunk and his team leader Cyclone.

Elliott Kalan

[35:17] So we're going to flop.

[35:18] His team leader one eye laser face.

Stuart Wellington

[35:22] We're going to FlopCon 2011.

[35:24] This weekend.

[35:25] New York City's Javits Center.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] People may know that this weekend.

[35:28] Yeah.

[35:28] It's FlopCon 2011.

[35:30] The biggest Flophouse convention in the country.

[35:31] I think it's pronounced Javits Center.

[35:33] In the Javits Center.

Stuart Wellington

[35:36] There will also be an additional event being organized called the New York City Comic Con.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] Yeah I think that's a side.

[35:44] It might be in a side hallway.

[35:45] So.

[35:46] FlopCon is going on.

Stuart Wellington

[35:47] FlopCon is for people who are way into bad movies and hearing us talk.

Elliott Kalan

[35:51] People are going to come dressed as us.

[35:53] Dressed as the Brats.

[35:54] Sure.

[35:54] Dressed as Nicolas Cage with crazy hair.

Stuart Wellington

[35:56] Flophouse Housecat is not allowed to be dressed as.

[36:00] Physical images of the Flophouse Housecat are against God.

[36:06] There will be.

[36:09] If you show up as a Jedi.

[36:10] We will direct you to the.

[36:13] The Comic Con.

[36:14] Where they'll be having a Jedi lightsaber battle.

Elliott Kalan

[36:16] Will the 501st Stormtrooper Army be welcome?

Stuart Wellington

[36:20] Yeah.

[36:20] I mean they're allowed.

[36:21] We can't.

[36:22] We can't turn them away.

[36:22] We don't have blasters.

Elliott Kalan

[36:24] Levi's 501 jeans.

Stuart Wellington

[36:25] They'll be approved.

[36:26] I mean I don't agree with the cut.

[36:28] But that's okay.

Dan McCoy

[36:28] So guys.

[36:29] I.

[36:29] You know.

[36:29] I may actually have this episode up before Comic Con.

[36:32] Because.

[36:33] Well.

[36:34] Just because I wouldn't want.

[36:35] I.

[36:35] You know.

[36:35] I don't want to worry about it.

Elliott Kalan

[36:36] While I'm at Comic Con.

[36:37] Oh good idea.

[36:38] Because it might.

[36:39] It might be like a home alone situation.

[36:40] Where it has to defend your apartment from burglars.

[36:42] I don't.

[36:43] Follow the.

[36:44] No I agree with it.

[36:45] I'm at Comic Con.

[36:46] The podcast.

[36:47] Ah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:48] Who's going to put micro machines on the floor?

Elliott Kalan

[36:51] Sweet paint cans at Daniel Stern's head.

Dan McCoy

[36:54] But assuming that I do get it up early.

[36:56] Yeah.

[36:57] We're going to.

[36:58] We're going to be at Comic Con.

[36:59] The New York Comic Con.

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] The New York Comic Con.

[37:01] In the Javits Center.

[37:02] On the west side of Manhattan.

Stuart Wellington

[37:04] And our listeners can feel good to know.

[37:06] That I.

[37:07] Did receive my press pass.

[37:09] I was approved for a press pass.

[37:10] Because of this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] Because I.

[37:12] Wrote up the information.

[37:14] You need to submit.

[37:15] For the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[37:16] And then I took all that information.

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] I filled out the application for you.

[37:19] Yep.

[37:20] And then when they emailed you and said.

[37:21] Can you give us some more information.

[37:22] You.

[37:22] You wrote me.

[37:23] And said.

[37:23] What do I tell them.

[37:24] And I told you what to tell them.

Stuart Wellington

[37:25] Okay.

[37:25] I took what he told me.

[37:27] And then I also took the links.

[37:28] That Dan suggested I put in there.

[37:31] I mixed a little bit of Stuart Wellington flavor.

[37:33] I think you wrote.

Elliott Kalan

[37:34] Love stew balls.

[37:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:37] And then I sent it along.

[37:39] And was given the thumbs up.

Elliott Kalan

[37:40] So the Flophouse is officially a press organization.

[37:43] As defined by the New York Comic Con.

[37:45] So.

[37:46] Yeah.

[37:46] We're going to be there.

[37:47] Well.

[37:48] We'll all definitely be there Saturday.

[37:49] Saturday at noon.

[37:50] I'll be part of a panel.

[37:52] Called.

[37:53] Geek chic.

[37:53] Or something like that.

[37:54] That's weird.

[37:55] About geek culture.

[37:57] And comedy writing.

[37:59] So that's noon.

[38:00] At the Javits Center.

[38:01] Look out for that panel.

[38:02] If you want to hear me talk.

[38:03] Like you're hearing now.

[38:04] But in person.

Dan McCoy

[38:05] If you're coming to Comic Con.

[38:07] You can try and track us all down.

[38:08] I mean.

[38:09] We will all be wearing false mustaches.

[38:11] And sunglasses.

[38:12] To protect ourselves.

[38:13] Yeah.

[38:13] And trench coats.

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] With collars turned up.

Stuart Wellington

[38:17] I'm probably going to spend the whole time.

[38:18] Over by the World of Warcraft screens.

[38:20] Watching people play World of Warcraft.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] And I think Dan is a judge.

[38:25] At the young girls.

[38:27] In two sexually revealing costumes contest.

Dan McCoy

[38:30] If only.

[38:31] If only friends.

Elliott Kalan

[38:33] We'll be wandering around.

[38:35] So keep an eye out for us.

[38:36] There may be people dressed as the Flophouse.

[38:38] That aren't us.

[38:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:40] I mean.

[38:40] It's going to be FlopCon.

[38:41] So I expect.

Dan McCoy

[38:42] There's a lot of Flophouse cosplay out there.

[38:44] Yeah.

[38:45] Flops play.

[38:46] Sure.

[38:46] People dressed as the house cat.

Stuart Wellington

[38:48] Female Elliotts weirdly turned me on.

[38:50] I got to tell you.

[38:51] Femeliots.

[38:51] Female.

Elliott Kalan

[38:52] Femeliots.

[38:56] By the way.

Stuart Wellington

[38:57] Femeliots are a little different than Danielle.

Dan McCoy

[38:59] By the way.

[39:00] Seriously guys.

[39:01] Seriously.

[39:01] Congress should fund Femeliot.

[39:03] I think that's important for all of us in America.

Elliott Kalan

[39:06] I get it.

[39:06] Like FEMA.

[39:07] Mm-hmm.

[39:08] Anywho.

[39:09] Wait.

[39:10] Hold on.

[39:10] Who am I?

[39:11] Emergency Management Elliot.

[39:13] Yep.

[39:15] Yeah.

[39:16] I don't get it.

[39:16] Anywho.

[39:16] FlopCon 2011.

[39:18] At New York Comic Con 2011.

[39:20] For questions about FlopCon.

[39:21] Trademark 2011.

[39:22] Write to the Flop House.

[39:24] Do not write to Comic Con because they don't know it exists.

[39:26] They think it's just Comic Con.

[39:27] They don't know FlopCon is going on at the same place.

Stuart Wellington

[39:29] Lance Fensterman will send you a reply that says stop Elyly.

[39:33] Let me Ely.

[39:35] And come hear Mark Hamill speak.

Elliott Kalan

[39:37] Yeah.

[39:37] And what do you guys hope to do otherwise at Comic Con?

[39:40] Do you have any specific names?

[39:42] Let's see.

Stuart Wellington

[39:43] I'm probably going to get another autograph from Dan Abnett.

[39:45] Mm-hmm.

[39:46] Cool.

Dan McCoy

[39:46] John Landis is there promoting that monster book that you've got to work.

[39:52] So I can see John Landis.

[39:54] You going to bring that to get it signed?

[39:54] Probably not.

[39:55] It's a heavy book.

Stuart Wellington

[39:56] I'm going to go try and find weird cartoonists to get little books of sketches from.

Elliott Kalan

[40:02] Yeah.

[40:02] I think I'm going to be on the original art hunt.

[40:04] Yeah.

[40:05] See if there's any within my price range.

Stuart Wellington

[40:07] Jeff Darrow's and Tom Fowler's and such.

[40:09] Sure.

[40:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] I'd love to have a Jeff Darrow or a Tom Fowler.

Stuart Wellington

[40:12] Okay, Dan.

[40:13] You look like you just hauled out the movie mailbag.

Dan McCoy

[40:17] Oh, yeah.

[40:17] The Flophouse movie mailbag.

[40:18] Oh, it's a heavy mailbag this week.

[40:20] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[40:21] Maybe if you're wearing pants, it seems heavy.

[40:23] Stop straining.

[40:24] Please stop straining in front of us.

[40:25] Let me just bend over and get this.

[40:27] No, please don't.

[40:27] So many veins.

Stuart Wellington

[40:29] It's weird how those leg hairs stand on end.

Elliott Kalan

[40:31] Like they have miniature muscles in them.

Dan McCoy

[40:33] Guys, that was a real workout.

[40:36] So...

Elliott Kalan

[40:37] We just did a little radio play.

Dan McCoy

[40:39] This is from Kristen, last name with help.

[40:42] And she says,

[40:44] Dearest Flophouse.

[40:46] Oh.

[40:46] Do it in a lady's voice.

[40:49] Now do it in your regular voice.

[40:52] Now you're a vampire.

[40:55] Now you're Michael Caine.

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] Okay, now you're Woody Allen.

[41:03] Okay, you're George Washington.

[41:07] Doesn't sound any like him.

[41:09] Yeah.

[41:09] How do you know?

[41:10] How do you know?

[41:10] Well, yeah, no wooden teeth.

[41:12] Didn't sound like you were going to chop down a cherry tree.

[41:14] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] Well...

[41:15] Catherine, last name with help.

[41:17] Kristen.

Dan McCoy

[41:18] Kristen, last name with help.

Elliott Kalan

[41:19] You forgot the name within seconds.

[41:21] To be fair, we threw a lot of names out there.

[41:23] So...

Dan McCoy

[41:23] I get confused fairly.

[41:25] She says...

[41:26] I recently uploaded...

[41:27] Are you sure it's not Catherine?

[41:28] Come on.

[41:29] I recently uploaded a few clips of the podcast to YouTube as a probably not very effective

[41:34] way to publicize the podcast.

[41:36] However, if you like the clips being taken down, just let me know.

[41:39] No, we will not.

[41:40] We love the clips being up there.

Elliott Kalan

[41:43] They're all about information wanting to be free and stuff like that.

Dan McCoy

[41:46] Yep.

[41:47] They're basically opposite of Metallica.

[41:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] In many ways.

Dan McCoy

[41:52] I don't know if I'll be able to upload more anytime soon, as I'm starting my second year

[41:56] of grad school in a week, but I noticed the lack of much Flophouse on YouTube and thought

[42:01] I'd do my part to rectify it.

[42:03] I don't know how many new listeners a clip of the famed Chopin Godables tangent will bring

[42:07] in, but at least I tried.

[42:09] Thank you.

[42:11] P.S.

[42:12] The Flophouse has quickly become one of my favorite podcasts for reading the write-up

[42:16] in the AV Club.

[42:17] I've listened to the Bratz episode more times than I care to admit.

[42:20] Yes.

[42:21] No, thank you for uploading those.

[42:24] We checked them out.

[42:26] Elliot, actually, before he knew that you'd sent in a letter alerting me to this fact.

[42:31] I found them.

[42:32] I forget how.

Elliott Kalan

[42:33] I probably Googled my own name.

[42:35] But thank you very much for doing that.

[42:36] It was very exciting to see them there, and it meant we have real...

[42:39] It really showed how passionate our listeners are, which was great.

[42:44] And anything that helps bring in new people is wonderful, so we really appreciate it.

[42:47] Thanks for sticking up for the floppers.

Dan McCoy

[42:48] Yeah, thanks.

[42:50] Yeah, and it's a good thing to direct new people to if they want to listen to things that sound

[42:56] like gibberish and...

[42:58] Well, they are funny.

[43:00] No, they're funny.

[43:01] They don't...

[43:01] I mean, like...

[43:02] And talk about what celebrities Dan thinks are hot.

[43:04] That's not part of it.

[43:06] I don't...

[43:06] I don't know why, like, every negative stereotype is now being attached to me.

[43:11] Now being attached to you.

Stuart Wellington

[43:12] You're just a homophobe and a super perv.

[43:14] That's all.

[43:15] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[43:15] Okay.

[43:16] Well, being the Leonardo Cyclops, you've got no personality, so you've got to make one.

[43:19] That's the thing, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[43:21] Anyway.

[43:21] Like, I accept my mantle as being a super party animal.

[43:25] Like, I put up with that.

Elliott Kalan

[43:27] And I accept mine as being a really smart guy.

[43:30] Wait, I thought you were racist.

[43:31] That's a bit of a cross to bear.

[43:32] No, racist would never really stuck.

[43:33] That's probably Dan, too.

[43:34] Because I love all peoples.

[43:35] Oh, okay.

[43:37] Because you're so smart.

[43:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:39] I love all peoples, too.

[43:40] It's just you...

[43:41] In a gross way.

[43:41] The love that you have ascribed to me has been perverted.

Elliott Kalan

[43:44] I love that please don't speak its name anymore.

[43:47] So thank you, Catherine.

[43:48] Kristen.

[43:49] Okay.

[43:51] Thank you, Kristen.

Dan McCoy

[43:52] This is from Matt, last name withheld.

[43:54] It's titled,

[43:56] Tom's Wrong,

[43:57] and One Other Thing.

[43:58] Cryptic.

[43:59] It says,

[44:00] Hi, gang.

[44:00] Just wanted to point out that Tom may be mistaken in his critique

[44:03] about the ending of Minority Report.

[44:06] It's mentioned in the film that those imprisoned

[44:07] live out whatever fantasy they want until they die.

[44:11] Seems that because everything magically works out

[44:13] at the end of the film for Tom Cruise,

[44:15] that what we're seeing could easily be interpreted as his fantasy

[44:18] while trapped in the prison.

[44:20] It's definitely open-ended,

[44:21] but I wanted to defend Stuart's recommendation

[44:23] since Dan did nothing to rebuke Tom's takedown.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] I have to say,

[44:27] when I listened to that,

[44:28] because I wasn't there,

[44:29] I would have brought this up at the time,

[44:30] Dan,

[44:31] you made a dismissive comment about the scene

[44:32] where he chases his own eyeball.

[44:34] No, no,

[44:34] I love that scene.

[44:35] It's just weird.

[44:36] It made it sound like you didn't like it.

[44:37] That's the best scene in the movie.

[44:38] It's great.

[44:39] Yeah.

[44:39] I loved a really weird slapstick moment

[44:42] in the middle of an otherwise very,

[44:43] almost too serious movie,

[44:44] but I like that film a lot more than other people.

[44:47] No,

[44:47] I think it's a solid late period Spielberg.

[44:48] The only thing I don't like about it

[44:50] is when he says,

[44:51] don't take,

[44:52] he gets his eyes replaced,

[44:53] and the guy at Mad Sign says,

[44:54] don't take the bandages off your eyes

[44:56] for 12 hours.

[44:58] 12 hours,

[44:58] or however long it is.

[44:59] And Tom Cruise takes them off early,

[45:01] and nothing bad happens.

[45:02] No repercussions at all.

[45:03] No repercussions at all.

[45:04] And also,

[45:04] he needs his old eyes to get into the building,

[45:06] and no one tracks him by his eyes anymore.

[45:07] So he really made it harder for himself

[45:10] when he changed his eyes out.

[45:11] Yeah.

[45:11] But it's a neat scene.

Dan McCoy

[45:14] But Matt goes on to say,

[45:16] second paragraph.

[45:16] This is the one other thing.

[45:19] Also,

[45:19] I wanted to mention

[45:20] that there have now been two podcasts

[45:22] where Dan and Stu

[45:23] were arguing before the record,

[45:25] My Soul to Take and Gooby.

[45:28] Could this be the beginnings

[45:29] of a fracturing of the flopper triumvirate?

[45:31] Probably not,

[45:32] but this is one less thing

[45:33] I needed hanging over my head

[45:35] while I toss and turn at night

[45:36] worrying about the state

[45:37] of the world,

[45:38] the environment,

[45:38] and the economy.

[45:40] What were we arguing about?

[45:41] I know with My Soul to Take,

[45:43] it was about...

[45:43] We were arguing...

[45:44] I don't want to entirely spoil it,

[45:47] because the next email

[45:48] is about the argument, too.

[45:50] Oh, awesome.

[45:50] Forget it.

Elliott Kalan

[45:51] Well,

[45:51] just to rest everyone assured,

[45:54] Dan and Stuart

[45:55] get along great these days.

[45:56] They went through counseling.

Dan McCoy

[45:57] With a get-along gang,

[45:59] if you will.

Elliott Kalan

[45:59] They're not the get-along gang.

[46:01] I would say we...

Stuart Wellington

[46:01] Or the shirt tails.

[46:03] No,

[46:03] they're neither that.

[46:04] We get into fresh arguments

[46:05] every time we see each other.

[46:07] Old arguments complete.

Elliott Kalan

[46:10] They're deaf and fat

[46:11] and totally stupid.

[46:12] They're radical.

[46:14] They're gnarly,

[46:16] bodacious,

[46:17] and tubular.

[46:21] Not to mention

[46:21] grody to the max.

[46:23] Oh, you know,

[46:24] that's a bad thing.

[46:25] Oh, it is?

[46:25] Ginchy.

[46:27] What?

[46:27] Yeah.

[46:27] They're real hep.

[46:28] They're far out.

[46:30] And not dullsville.

Stuart Wellington

[46:32] Sorry, Stuart,

[46:34] you were saying...

[46:34] Thieves knees.

[46:35] So, as I said,

[46:36] the cat's pajamas.

[46:37] We get into radical arguments

[46:39] every time we see each other.

[46:41] Old arguments

[46:42] completely forgotten.

[46:43] Yes.

[46:44] As shown by the fact

[46:47] that I've forgotten

[46:47] that we had an argument.

Elliott Kalan

[46:49] And the easy camaraderie

[46:50] with which they

[46:51] take every task.

Dan McCoy

[46:54] But to continue

[46:55] on that tack,

[46:56] Josh's last name

[46:57] withheld says,

[46:59] What Stuart and Dan

[47:00] were fighting about?

[47:02] Here's my take of...

Stuart Wellington

[47:03] Oh, I remember that one.

Dan McCoy

[47:04] We had a contest about...

[47:06] Yeah, we had one of our

Stuart Wellington

[47:07] famous Flophouse contests.

Dan McCoy

[47:09] He says,

[47:10] Here's my take

[47:10] of what happened

[47:11] that caused such

[47:11] a monumental rift

[47:13] between two friends.

[47:14] A rift war,

Stuart Wellington

[47:16] This isn't a...

[47:17] This isn't another...

[47:18] No, this is...

[47:19] There's no slash fiction.

[47:19] We're not going to end up

[47:20] doing each other, are we?

Dan McCoy

[47:21] No, there's no...

[47:22] You are wearing a Tux Vito.

[47:24] Yeah.

[47:24] During a slow portion

[47:26] of My Soul to Take,

[47:27] Dan admitted to Stuart

[47:28] that his parents

[47:29] had prevented him

[47:29] from seeing Cool World

[47:30] in the theaters.

Elliott Kalan

[47:33] Wait a minute.

[47:33] This is scarily accurate.

[47:36] Keep reading.

Dan McCoy

[47:37] Because they said

[47:37] it was too adult.

[47:39] Stuart found this

[47:40] uproariously funny

[47:41] and spent the better part

[47:42] of five minutes

[47:43] pointing out that

[47:43] Dan was a loser.

[47:45] Who had to ask...

[47:46] Was he here?

[47:48] Was Josh here?

Elliott Kalan

[47:50] Dan was a loser.

[47:50] I mean, you never saw

[47:51] Cool World.

[47:52] You are a loser.

[47:54] You would never know

[47:54] what Holly would

[47:55] if Holly could.

Dan McCoy

[47:57] Who had to ask

[47:58] his parents' permission

[47:59] to go to the movies.

[48:01] Further, Stuart proudly boasted

[48:02] that his parents

[48:03] didn't give a shit

[48:03] what he watched

[48:04] as a child,

[48:05] even letting him stay up

[48:06] to watch HBO

[48:07] on Saturday nights

[48:08] when it was,

[48:09] to quote Stuart,

[48:10] nothing but tits.

[48:12] I mean, verbatim.

[48:14] That sounds like...

[48:14] Verbatim.

Elliott Kalan

[48:15] That sounds like a quote.

[48:16] Are we being...

[48:17] Was there a wire?

Dan McCoy

[48:18] Dan, are you wearing a wire?

[48:19] An already irritated Dan

[48:21] decided to let Stuart

[48:22] slide on this one,

[48:23] but that thin layer

[48:24] of restraint

[48:24] was shattered

[48:25] when Stuart ate

[48:26] the last bonafide chicken

[48:27] from Popeyes.

[48:28] A Popeyes he didn't

[48:29] bathe for, mind you.

[48:30] Furious of this affront,

[48:32] Dan blurted out

[48:32] that Stuart was actually

[48:33] the biggest loser

[48:34] because he admitted

[48:35] to getting turned on

[48:36] by that scene

[48:36] in Ghostbusters

[48:37] when Dan Aykroyd

[48:38] had that one dream sequence

[48:39] where a ghost blew him.

[48:41] Stuart snarled

[48:42] in response,

[48:43] at least you didn't say

[48:44] it was a spooktacular blowjob

[48:46] or whatever the fuck

[48:47] you used for ratings

[48:48] when it's October.

[48:49] There was silence

[48:50] for the remainder

[48:51] of the movie.

[48:52] During all this,

[48:52] Elliot merely sat off

[48:53] in a corner,

[48:54] trying his best

[48:55] to ignore his friend's

[48:56] childish antics

[48:57] by writing a fan fiction

[48:58] about what happens

[48:58] when the biker mice

[48:59] from Mars

[49:00] live in the same universe

[49:01] as Street Sharks.

Elliott Kalan

[49:02] Read it already.

[49:03] Wrote it already.

Dan McCoy

[49:04] So that's from Josh's

[49:06] last name of the hell.

Elliott Kalan

[49:07] Yeah, it's called

[49:07] Biker Mice from Mars

[49:08] Meet the Street Sharks.

[49:10] And so far,

[49:11] I haven't had

[49:11] too many takers,

[49:12] but the big reveal

[49:14] at the end

[49:15] is that the biker mice

[49:16] are from Venus.

[49:17] They're ladies.

[49:18] Street Sharks fall in love,

[49:19] they get married,

[49:20] the end.

[49:20] Okay.

[49:21] That sets it up

[49:22] for the squeakle.

[49:24] You're allowed to say

[49:24] squeakle?

[49:25] That's not copywritten?

[49:26] At this point,

[49:26] it's just in the vernacular.

[49:28] They're like Shakespeare.

[49:29] The words just flowed

[49:30] into the public domain.

Dan McCoy

[49:32] So that was the...

Elliott Kalan

[49:34] That was very accurate.

[49:35] Yeah, I mean,

[49:36] that was...

[49:37] Now I remember that fight.

[49:38] That was spookily accurate.

[49:40] Yeah.

[49:41] Or was it frighteningly funny?

[49:43] It was both.

[49:44] Or scarily wrong?

Stuart Wellington

[49:46] No, it was pretty close.

[49:48] We often get in fights

[49:49] about a cool world.

[49:52] So...

Dan McCoy

[49:52] I mean,

[49:53] usually it's about

[49:54] whether the...

Elliott Kalan

[49:55] Usually...

[49:56] I think in terms of things

[49:58] you get into fights

[49:59] about cruel world,

[50:00] cruel world is like

[50:00] 65, 70%.

[50:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:02] Usually it's about

[50:03] how cool that world was,

[50:05] whether it was totally cool

[50:06] or whether it was

[50:06] just a little cool.

Elliott Kalan

[50:08] Yeah.

[50:08] I think I was...

[50:09] Spookily cool

[50:09] in your case sometimes.

[50:10] I assumed...

[50:11] I always assumed

[50:11] that it was just drafty.

[50:13] It was cool

[50:14] like there was a draft

[50:15] running through it.

[50:16] No.

[50:16] Oh, so it's not like

Stuart Wellington

[50:17] how relaxed

[50:19] and confident it is?

[50:19] No, no, no.

[50:20] It's just about like chilly.

[50:21] Sure.

[50:21] Okay.

[50:22] I mean, that's...

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] We could argue that.

[50:24] I mean, it's a movie.

[50:25] We're never going to be able

[50:26] to feel the temperature.

Dan McCoy

[50:26] I mean, it's an awesome world

[50:27] is what I'm...

[50:28] I think it's an awesome world

[50:29] where a lady

[50:30] walks around in a short dress

[50:33] and...

[50:34] Like a cartoon

Elliott Kalan

[50:34] or a real lady?

[50:36] Well, that's okay.

[50:36] A cartoon lady.

[50:37] She's a cartoon lady

[50:38] until she has sex

[50:39] with a real person,

[50:40] which somehow turns

[50:41] into a real person

[50:41] but then doesn't.

[50:43] Okay.

[50:43] And then the world blows up.

[50:44] I've seen that movie

[50:45] a couple times.

[50:46] I still don't really understand

[50:47] what the hell is going on in it.

Stuart Wellington

[50:49] No, there's no...

[50:50] But you're along for the ride.

[50:51] That's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[50:51] Oh, sure.

[50:52] Yeah, I was along for that ride.

[50:54] It feels like a movie

[50:55] that was adapted from a book

[50:56] that was never written.

[50:57] You're addicted to that rush.

[50:59] Oh, yeah.

[51:01] It's strange that that movie

[51:02] was advertised on the back

[51:03] of I think every comic book

[51:05] I thought as a kid.

[51:05] Well, yeah,

[51:05] because there's cartoons in it.

Dan McCoy

[51:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] It's like Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

[51:11] It's exactly like that.

Stuart Wellington

[51:12] For people who don't pay

[51:13] that close attention

[51:14] to what's going on.

[51:14] And don't like to be entertained.

[51:17] All right.

Dan McCoy

[51:20] The next email

[51:21] is from Brian.

[51:24] Last name withheld.

[51:25] Hello.

[51:26] It's titled

[51:27] Is Nothing Sacred?

[51:28] Question mark.

Elliott Kalan

[51:30] Can you say it like that?

[51:31] Like a Batman villain?

Dan McCoy

[51:33] Is Nothing Sacred?

[51:34] Batman.

Stuart Wellington

[51:36] Batman.

Dan McCoy

[51:39] He used the word sacred.

[51:41] Clearly,

[51:42] he's going to

[51:43] blow up

[51:44] Gotham's church.

Elliott Kalan

[51:46] Back red.

[51:47] Of course,

[51:48] Red Saxworth,

[51:48] the famous

[51:49] Gotham City baseball player.

[51:51] He's signing today

[51:52] at the Gotham City

[51:52] Sports Adrome.

[51:54] That was the thing.

[51:56] Yeah.

[51:57] Wait, what?

[51:57] That was the thing.

[51:58] The did a little low thing.

[51:59] The Batman thing.

[52:01] What?

[52:01] What I like is we've introduced

[52:03] a new Batman villain,

[52:04] the Punctuator.

Dan McCoy

[52:06] It's Batman!

[52:07] Exclamation point.

Elliott Kalan

[52:10] Do you dare Batman?

Dan McCoy

[52:13] So wait,

[52:13] that's three new Batman films.

[52:15] There's Seven Pounds,

[52:16] The Contest Ruiner,

[52:17] and The Punctuator.

[52:18] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[52:18] DC should be paying us.

[52:20] This is ridiculous.

Dan McCoy

[52:22] We should really corner someone.

Elliott Kalan

[52:23] That's DC Comics,

[52:24] the comic company

Stuart Wellington

[52:25] that publishes Batman.

[52:27] Hey,

[52:27] Chris.

[52:27] Detective Comics.

[52:28] You know,

[52:29] Chris Nolan.

[52:30] Chris Nolan,

[52:30] yeah.

[52:31] Listen,

[52:31] you're a popular fan

[52:32] of this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[52:34] Chris Knowles.

Stuart Wellington

[52:35] Stop making movies

[52:36] about those mind people,

[52:38] and instead,

[52:39] mind people.

[52:40] You know,

[52:40] Dream Crubs.

[52:42] Instead,

[52:42] throw out The Contest Ruiner

[52:44] in your movie.

[52:45] Give us a little bit of money.

[52:46] A little bit of a kickback.

[52:47] That'd be wonderful.

Dan McCoy

[52:49] No,

[52:50] this is from Brian,

[52:50] last name with hell,

[52:51] and he says,

[52:52] attention floppers,

[52:53] rip from the headlines,

[52:54] and he actually attaches

[52:56] a JPEG,

[52:58] to confirm that it was

[53:00] ripped from the headlines.

[53:01] Dang.

[53:01] Jeremy Peg.

[53:02] And it says,

Stuart Wellington

[53:04] it's not another

[53:05] naked celebrity,

[53:06] is it?

[53:06] Iowa Governor,

Dan McCoy

[53:07] Terry Brandstrad,

[53:10] fired the Governor's Mansion,

[53:11] fired the Governor's Mansion

[53:13] house cat

[53:14] by cutting its food rations

[53:16] until the house cat

[53:17] was forced to run away.

[53:19] See attached article.

[53:20] So sad.

[53:22] If one house cat

[53:23] is attacked,

[53:24] all house cats

[53:25] are attacked.

[53:26] With what such

[53:27] strap,

Elliott Kalan

[53:28] Yeah,

[53:30] the house cats

[53:30] allied 101.

Dan McCoy

[53:32] With such travesties

[53:33] in state government,

[53:34] only one action

[53:34] is acceptable.

[53:36] All house cats

[53:36] must march

[53:38] on the Iowa state capital.

[53:40] Mouse toys

[53:40] and balls of yarn

[53:41] will be provided.

[53:43] However,

[53:44] there must be

[53:44] a voice for this movement

[53:45] and only one voice

[53:46] will do,

[53:47] the Flophouse house cat.

[53:48] I mean,

[53:48] it's more of a yowl.

[53:50] House cat,

[53:50] you have heard the call

[53:51] and I trust

[53:52] you will do the right thing.

[53:53] I look forward

[53:54] to seeing you

[53:55] in Des Moines.

[53:57] By the way,

[53:57] Dan,

[53:57] I do consider

[53:58] the Flophouse

[53:59] one half bad movie podcast

[54:01] and one half

[54:01] house cat podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[54:03] I mean,

[54:04] that's,

[54:04] the,

[54:05] the,

Dan McCoy

[54:05] You get like

[54:06] one yowl

[54:06] on episode.

[54:07] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[54:07] the proportion

[54:08] is not really there.

[54:09] So is,

[54:10] does the house cat

[54:10] usually stand up

[54:11] for political things?

[54:12] Does it take a stand

[54:13] on the issues?

[54:14] I mean,

[54:14] he tries not to.

[54:15] He's not a role model.

[54:16] He's not.

[54:17] Why is he not a role model?

[54:19] Is he in trouble?

Stuart Wellington

[54:20] Because he understands

[54:20] that he's more of

[54:22] what,

[54:22] what they call

[54:23] a party animal.

[54:24] Yeah,

[54:24] with his backwards hat

[54:25] and his slingshot.

[54:26] His rabble rouser.

Elliott Kalan

[54:27] His converse all-stars

[54:28] and his skateboard.

Stuart Wellington

[54:29] Yeah,

[54:29] and I mean,

[54:30] he can't,

[54:30] he has difficulty

[54:31] handling the pressure

[54:33] of being a role model.

[54:34] It turns him to drinking.

[54:35] Oh,

[54:35] that's bad.

[54:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[54:37] So we won't see

[54:38] the house cat in Des Moines.

Stuart Wellington

[54:39] I mean,

[54:40] you might.

[54:40] You never know.

[54:41] I'm not gonna,

[54:42] I'm not gonna put him

[54:43] into a box,

[54:45] Not even a pet carrier?

[54:46] Yeah,

[54:46] I mean,

[54:47] if it's a box,

[54:47] it's gonna have a shitload

[54:48] of holes punched in it.

Dan McCoy

[54:52] This last email

[54:53] for the evening

[54:53] is from Jake,

[54:55] last name withheld.

[54:57] And he says,

[54:57] he titles this

[54:58] A Flophouse-themed road trip.

[55:01] I never ride into podcasts,

[55:03] but I felt the need

[55:04] to in this case.

[55:05] I came to your podcast

[55:06] late,

[55:07] after the Onion write-up,

[55:08] but immediately tried

[55:09] to catch up

[55:09] with your years

[55:10] of recorded shows.

[55:11] For the past couple weeks,

[55:13] I've been driving

[55:13] cross-country

[55:14] from Boston to San Diego.

[55:16] Since a long portion

[55:17] of that drive features...

[55:19] Wagon back again?

[55:20] What?

Elliott Kalan

[55:20] What?

[55:20] Like driving from Boston

[55:21] to San Diego

[55:22] and back again?

[55:22] No,

[55:23] just from one way.

[55:24] One way,

[55:24] I think.

[55:25] Okay.

[55:25] Takes weeks.

[55:26] What is it?

[55:26] Is it a covered wagon?

Stuart Wellington

[55:28] Sorry.

[55:29] I apologize.

[55:30] Watch out for typhoid

[55:31] and accidentally

[55:32] breaking an ankle.

Dan McCoy

[55:33] Don't try and cock

[55:35] the wagon

[55:35] to ford the river.

[55:36] No,

[55:36] just pay the ferryman.

Elliott Kalan

[55:38] Pay the ferryman.

[55:39] And if you know what?

[55:40] Don't shoot so much buffalo

[55:41] when you're getting food.

[55:42] I know it's a lot of fun.

[55:43] You're not going to be able

[55:44] to carry it.

[55:44] But if you do,

Dan McCoy

[55:45] spin around wildly

[55:47] in a circle.

Elliott Kalan

[55:48] Also,

[55:48] you chose being a doctor,

[55:50] right?

[55:50] Because that means

[55:51] you'll win.

Dan McCoy

[55:52] Anyway,

[55:53] since a long portion

[55:54] of that drive

[55:54] features areas

[55:55] with three radio stations,

[55:57] two for Jesus Talk

[55:58] and one for country music,

[55:59] I needed podcasts.

[56:00] I wanted to say

[56:03] that you,

[56:04] that aside from

[56:05] Elliot's comforting

[56:05] nebbishy tendencies

[56:06] reminded me of my

[56:07] northeast Jewish

[56:08] liberal home,

[56:09] your podcast

[56:10] brought only disaster.

[56:12] What?

[56:13] Around the Nebraska-Iowa border,

[56:15] I was listening to an old...

Elliott Kalan

[56:17] That was an audio

[56:17] double take.

[56:18] That was Stuart

[56:19] having a spit take

[56:20] at what he heard.

Dan McCoy

[56:21] Around the Nebraska-Iowa border,

[56:23] I was listening to

[56:24] an older episode

[56:25] where Stuart,

[56:26] after casting the three of you

[56:28] in a Night Court remake,

[56:30] asks...

Elliott Kalan

[56:30] This is a weird podcast.

[56:32] Can we do that?

[56:33] Can we do that?

[56:36] I remember that one.

Dan McCoy

[56:38] Elliot's incredulous response

[56:39] sends all of you

[56:40] and subsequently me

[56:41] into a chaotic laughing fit.

[56:44] At this point,

[56:45] I laughed so hard,

[56:46] I yanked the steering wheel,

[56:48] dropped my water bottle,

[56:50] and was then pulled over

[56:51] for erratic driving

[56:52] by an Iowa state trooper.

[56:53] Oh, no.

[56:54] Oh, shit.

[56:56] Since Stuart from the Flophouse

[56:58] doesn't seem to grasp

[56:59] the necessary copyright law clearance,

[57:01] cast availability,

[57:02] and or time-traveling machines

[57:04] needed to recast

[57:05] the initial Night Court

[57:06] didn't seem like a valid excuse,

[57:08] I accepted the $130 ticket.

[57:10] Holy shit.

[57:11] That's expensive.

[57:12] Despite my being a student

[57:14] with no discernible income,

[57:15] the cost was well worth

[57:16] the entertainment you guys

[57:17] provided during my trip.

[57:18] Keep up the good work.

[57:20] I'm glad to hear that.

[57:20] That's crazy.

[57:21] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] We are very sorry,

[57:24] and I'm sure Dan

[57:25] will make it up to you,

[57:26] a check in your name

[57:27] for double the amount.

[57:29] My only hope is that

[57:31] it will be a check

[57:32] that I've drawn.

Dan McCoy

[57:33] It's not a real check.

Elliott Kalan

[57:34] I mean,

[57:35] I meant a check person

[57:36] from the Czech Republic.

Stuart Wellington

[57:37] My only hope is that

[57:39] state trooper at some point

[57:40] will listen to that podcast,

[57:42] hear the same thing,

[57:43] and then when he pulls over

[57:44] be like,

[57:45] wait a minute,

[57:46] while tapping his chin,

[57:48] and then send him a refund.

[57:49] Because the money was given

[57:51] to the state trooper, right?

[57:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] Yes, that's how it works.

[57:54] Yeah, that's what they live all for.

[57:55] They'll just give him a government check.

[57:56] Yeah.

[57:56] That is,

[57:57] I am very sorry.

[57:59] I feel bad that we caused you

[58:00] to lose your money

[58:01] and reputation

[58:02] on the Iowa.

[58:03] But think of the joy.

Stuart Wellington

[58:04] But at least all he lost

[58:05] was money.

[58:06] Like,

[58:06] it wasn't like he laughed

[58:07] so hard that he...

Elliott Kalan

[58:07] I wrenched the steering wheel

[58:09] and my leg went through

[58:11] the windshield

[58:11] that it was worth it.

Stuart Wellington

[58:13] Or like his little ghost

[58:14] came out of him

[58:14] like in the Roger Rabbit movie.

[58:17] What?

[58:18] You know,

[58:19] when those little cartoon guys

[58:20] laugh themselves to death

[58:21] and the little ghost comes out.

[58:22] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[58:22] he should just be happy

[58:24] he did not run over a gypsy

[58:26] who bestowed

[58:27] the dreaded thinner curse on him.

[58:29] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[58:29] That would have been terrible.

[58:30] It would have probably

Stuart Wellington

[58:30] splashed over onto us, too.

Elliott Kalan

[58:32] Not a lot of gypsies

[58:33] on the Iowa-Nebraska border.

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] Yeah,

[58:35] you've been working

[58:36] on your gypsy research?

Elliott Kalan

[58:37] One of the places

[58:38] you're not going to find

[58:39] too many gypsies

[58:40] just wandering the roads.

[58:41] I thought that was

Stuart Wellington

[58:42] where gypsies lived

[58:43] is wandering around.

Elliott Kalan

[58:44] Yeah,

[58:45] not so much

[58:45] in the middle of the country.

[58:46] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[58:47] So we're running

[58:48] long a little bit.

[58:50] I mean,

[58:51] it's funny.

[58:52] Some of that may have been

[58:53] just because we were

[58:54] so worried about

[58:54] the audio quality

[58:56] of this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[58:57] You'll edit that out, right?

Dan McCoy

[58:59] I don't know that I will.

Elliott Kalan

[59:02] So we apologize

[59:03] that this is a lengthy podcast today.

Dan McCoy

[59:05] But maybe we should give

[59:06] just a speed round

[59:07] of maybe some

[59:08] horror movie recommendations.

[59:10] I can't believe it.

[59:11] Just some titles.

[59:11] I forgot about the recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[59:13] Okay.

[59:13] I thought we were done already.

[59:17] I desperately want to hear

[59:18] that Night Court thing again.

[59:19] I'm going to have to find

[59:20] what episode that was in.

[59:21] I think I'll figure it out.

Dan McCoy

[59:22] I've forgotten

[59:23] all that we've recommended

[59:24] in the past.

[59:25] I can't do that.

[59:27] I forgot all that we've recommended

[59:28] in the past,

[59:29] but I would like to say

[59:29] that I feel like

[59:31] The Frighteners

[59:32] is an underrated movie.

[59:34] Sure.

[59:34] I agree.

[59:34] It's a very fun movie.

[59:35] A Peter Jackson film

[59:37] that people have forgotten

[59:38] unjustly.

[59:40] A lot of laughs.

[59:41] A lot of thrills.

[59:43] Just a lot of fun.

[59:45] No spills.

[59:46] A few chills.

[59:48] Yeah.

[59:49] And a couple guys named Bill.

Elliott Kalan

[59:50] Bill it?

[59:51] What?

[59:52] What horror movie

[59:53] are you going to recommend?

[59:54] Oof.

[59:54] This is a tough one.

Dan McCoy

[59:55] What old-timey-ass horror movie

Elliott Kalan

[59:57] are you going to recommend?

[59:57] It won't necessarily be

[59:59] an old-timey horror movie.

[1:00:00] Anyway,

[1:00:01] I showed Island of Lost Souls

[1:00:02] a couple of weeks ago.

[1:00:03] It was a great movie.

[1:00:04] Island of Lost Souls

[1:00:05] I screened recently

[1:00:06] with special guest

[1:00:07] John Hodgman

[1:00:08] discussing the movie

[1:00:09] with the Edwards.

[1:00:09] It went over very well

[1:00:10] with a modern audience,

[1:00:12] which I thought was great.

[1:00:13] And it was just released

[1:00:14] on the Criterion Collection,

[1:00:16] which is probably

[1:00:16] a pretty nice print of it.

[1:00:18] So I would say

[1:00:19] Netflix or buy

[1:00:20] Island of Lost Souls.

[1:00:22] It's a really crazy

[1:00:23] and short horror movie,

[1:00:25] but very fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:26] Stu?

[1:00:27] Stu Rat?

[1:00:29] Normally,

[1:00:30] at this point in the podcast,

[1:00:31] I recommend

[1:00:32] Invisible Maniac

[1:00:33] or Castle Freak.

[1:00:34] And this will be

[1:00:35] no exception.

[1:00:37] And I was thinking back

[1:00:38] to another movie

[1:00:39] that I've recommended

[1:00:40] multiple times.

[1:00:41] Head of the Family?

[1:00:41] Head of the Family.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:43] I'm starting to think

[1:00:44] you've only seen

[1:00:45] three movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:48] But I want to recommend

[1:00:49] this is an actual

[1:00:50] genuine recommendation,

[1:00:51] but when I think

[1:00:53] of Head of the Family,

[1:00:53] I think of the time

[1:00:54] that I first saw it.

[1:00:56] And at the same weekend,

[1:00:58] I also watched

[1:00:59] Motel Hell,

[1:01:01] which was not great.

[1:01:03] It was Rory Calhoun.

[1:01:04] Yeah.

[1:01:04] But there were

[1:01:05] some okay bits.

[1:01:06] I did like the bit

[1:01:07] where the people

[1:01:08] were buried up to their necks.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:10] One of them was

[1:01:12] John Ratzenberger

[1:01:13] from TV's Cheers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:15] Yeah.

[1:01:15] So if you want to

[1:01:17] relive the experience

[1:01:18] Stuart had

[1:01:18] when he was in high school,

[1:01:20] where the first weekend

[1:01:21] he saw

[1:01:22] Head of the Family,

[1:01:23] he watched that,

[1:01:24] and I think the original

[1:01:26] Night of the Living Dead.

[1:01:27] No, no, no.

[1:01:28] Return of the Living Dead.

[1:01:29] And Motel Hell

[1:01:30] and a back-to-back

[1:01:31] three show.

[1:01:33] That's what they call it.

[1:01:34] Three Pete.

[1:01:34] A three show.

[1:01:36] So you should do that.

[1:01:37] That's my recommendation.

[1:01:38] Watch those three movies.

[1:01:39] so you can relive

[1:01:41] the Stuart Wellington

[1:01:42] high school experience.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:43] Is there anything else

[1:01:44] they need to do

[1:01:44] to be you in high school?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:46] You mean like a basement?

[1:01:48] Yeah.

[1:01:48] Maybe you're...

[1:01:49] Yeah, I was in a basement.

[1:01:50] A lot of...

[1:01:51] A lot of snacks.

[1:01:51] Maybe like a frantic

[1:01:52] masturbation.

[1:01:53] Mountain Dew.

[1:01:54] You were always rolling

[1:01:55] 12-sided die.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:56] I was masturbating a lot

[1:01:57] during Head of the Family.

[1:01:58] Sure.

[1:02:00] Understandable.

[1:02:00] You're entering

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:00] head of the class, right?

[1:02:02] Well, yeah, of course.

[1:02:03] Yeah.

[1:02:04] You had a big Arvid fetish.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:05] I did.

[1:02:06] So let's...

[1:02:08] Let's...

[1:02:08] Let's see.

[1:02:09] Let's see.

[1:02:09] Say goodbye, guys.

[1:02:11] And goodnight.

[1:02:11] It's been beautiful

[1:02:12] spending a little time with you.

[1:02:13] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:02:15] What?

[1:02:16] Are we...

[1:02:17] Are you poisoning us

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:18] when this is over?

[1:02:19] What's going on?

[1:02:19] No, I mean...

[1:02:20] I'm just saying

Dan McCoy

[1:02:22] it's sad that we'll never

[1:02:23] see each other again.

[1:02:24] I don't know why.

[1:02:24] I mean, I'll see you tomorrow.

[1:02:25] No, trust me.

[1:02:26] You know, trust me.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:26] You're going to be...

[1:02:27] Is that why you put on...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:28] Is that why you finally put on

[1:02:29] the fucking Speedos?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:30] No, I'm just, you know...

[1:02:31] The last thing you see

[1:02:32] before you die.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:33] Burned into your retinas.

[1:02:36] Stan's wiener.

[1:02:38] Covered by a little...

[1:02:39] Covered by a little bow tie.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:42] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:02:43] Good night.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:44] Yeah, I'm Stuart.

[1:02:45] Bye.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:47] Should I be doing this podcast

[1:02:54] in the Tuxedo room?

[1:02:55] You know...

[1:02:55] I think so, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:56] Yeah, do you got it underneath?

[1:02:58] Are those fucking snap pants?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:59] I can take it down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:01] There you go.

[1:03:02] Oh, man.

[1:03:03] I changed my boat.

[1:03:04] Changed my boat.

[1:03:05] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:06] The trick is, dude,

[1:03:06] before you put on the Tuxedo,

[1:03:08] you get it into a partial

[1:03:09] and then you wrap a rubber band

[1:03:11] around your knee on.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:12] I was talking to my friend, Nigel,

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:14] who had a friend

[1:03:15] who was a male stripper

[1:03:16] for a while.

[1:03:17] That's a secret?

[1:03:18] Yeah, but apparently...

[1:03:19] Wouldn't that cut off

Dan McCoy

[1:03:20] your circulation eventually?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:22] Yeah, well,

[1:03:22] apparently it hurt really bad

[1:03:24] to take the rubber band off

[1:03:25] at the end of the night

[1:03:26] and no amount of additional income

[1:03:30] could compensate me

[1:03:31] for ding-dong pay.

The Flop House: Episode #89 - Season of the Witch

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