The Flop House: Episode #89 - Season of the Witch

[0:00] Shocktober continues, and so does our love affair with Nicolas Cage as we talk about Season of the Witch.

[0:07] Also, a short audio note, Elliot's microphone appears to have had some problem with it during the early part of this episode,

[0:15] but keep listening as we do eventually fix the problem. Our apologies for the technical difficulties.

[0:52] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flop House. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:55] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:58] And hello, Elliot Kaelin over here.

[1:00] Right on.

[1:01] All three of us are here, so that's some good news.

[1:03] We're back, the three of us.

[1:05] I mean, you're saying that like we're never together.

[1:07] Guys, guys that are three in number.

[1:09] I mean, I think that our...

[1:11] He's already singing.

[1:12] Three of us, just the three of us.

[1:15] I think our listeners appreciate the effort we put into getting good guest hosts, but they also love the original Peaches.

[1:24] There was a period when we had a lot of guest hosts, but recently we've had many more episodes where all three of us are guest hosts.

[1:30] And each time you go, hey, all three of us, like we invented the fucking wheel.

[1:34] Yeah, what's going on there, guy?

[1:36] We didn't win the Nobel Prize.

[1:37] Fella.

[1:38] We just found at night we were all free to watch Season of the Witch.

[1:40] We didn't kill some kind of demon and send it back to wherever demons come from.

[1:44] You can no longer take joy in the small things in life.

[1:46] That's when you know that you're clinically depressed.

[1:48] So maybe you guys need to turn that gaze on yourselves.

[1:53] Like the man in the mirror?

[1:55] Turn the gaze on ourselves?

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:57] Dan, is this more of your homophobic ranting?

[1:59] I am wearing a tuxedo.

[2:01] Oh, yeah.

[2:02] Listeners, if you hear anything different, it's because Dan's not wearing pants.

[2:05] He's instead wearing a speedo with a tuxedo design on it.

[2:08] Joe, would you like to explain this?

[2:10] Dan's taking it for what we in the industry call a test drive, the industry of tuxedo speedo wearers.

[2:18] It's an industry?

[2:19] Yeah, it's an industry.

[2:20] And in preparation for my upcoming nuptials where the male guests are encouraged to purchase and then wear a tuxedo speedo.

[2:31] Now, I want to tell a story about this.

[2:33] You're right.

[2:34] This is a story podcast.

[2:35] I got the –

[2:36] Can we just get to the letters?

[2:38] No, I received a package with this tuxedo in it at work, and I was holding it up.

[2:46] I was showing my office mate, Joe Miller, this –

[2:52] Technically sexual harassment.

[2:54] This tuxedo, and I said – and she said –

[2:58] Is that different from sexual harassment?

[3:00] Yeah, that's when you use gas.

[3:02] Okay.

[3:03] And her response was, so this is for your non-gay friend's wedding.

[3:09] And Elliot and I had to sort of explain –

[3:11] I think that's a pretty good way to describe me as a non-gay friend.

[3:13] The non-gay friend with a big bushy mustache who wears a tuxedo speedo.

[3:19] Yeah, we had to explain –

[3:20] Weird about that.

[3:21] We had to explain Stewart to Joe, which led Elliot to say, he's just very comfortable with his body.

[3:27] That was how Elliot explained to Stewart.

[3:30] Is that what I said?

[3:31] Yep.

[3:32] You've got to give in to the rhythm of the night, you know?

[3:34] Well, moving along.

[3:38] What do we do here?

[3:40] Now, before we get into it, I just want to –

[3:42] Can you move up a little closer to the table so I have to see less of your plushy thighs?

[3:47] Upper thighs.

[3:48] Plushy?

[3:49] These are toned, friend.

[3:50] Well, they're really toned.

[3:51] They're not very tanned.

[3:52] No, they're not very tanned.

[3:53] That's what I meant.

[3:54] Toned, not tanned.

[3:55] Was it your pale, Tim Burton-esque thigh?

[3:59] Your hairy, shading into pubic area.

[4:03] No, that's great.

[4:04] I mean, yeah.

[4:05] I mean, you'll put some beads in it when we're down in Puerto Rico.

[4:08] This podcast isn't rated X for –

[4:10] Is that a Mad Magazine rating?

[4:13] Yeah, it's rated blank.

[4:15] No, but before we get into it, I did want to say –

[4:19] We got into it.

[4:20] Yeah, we're into it.

[4:21] We're into it.

[4:22] We're in the mix, guys.

[4:23] We're balls deep.

[4:24] Oh, my God.

[4:25] Oh, yeah.

[4:26] You may be hearing a slight audio difference.

[4:29] We have, fingers crossed and wood knocked upon, solved the audio issue.

[4:36] We got some shorter chords.

[4:38] So if you're currently hearing reggaeton music, we will look like assholes now.

[4:43] Well, I mean, maybe you should look outside.

[4:45] Maybe someone is driving by in their car.

[4:47] They're playing music loudly.

[4:49] Maybe you're in a band that plays that kind of music.

[4:52] You're listening to this podcast during rehearsal.

[4:54] Maybe you're schizophrenic and you hear music all the time.

[4:58] These are all things you should look into.

[5:00] Maybe you killed a reggaeton musician by accident and a curse was put on you.

[5:04] Sure.

[5:05] So you'd always hear their music.

[5:07] Gypsies play that music, right?

[5:08] Yeah, gypsies do.

[5:09] Okay.

[5:11] So I think we got the important points out of the way, the tech speedo, the audio quality.

[5:18] We're recording this episode earlier than normal.

[5:21] That's a pretty big deal.

[5:22] You can probably tell we have a lot more energy.

[5:23] We got a lot more spice.

[5:26] Okay, spice.

[5:28] So.

[5:29] Let's not parse that sentence.

[5:31] Kwisatz Haderach.

[5:33] So we're done with the movie.

[5:35] Sure, why not?

[5:36] We are seven minutes into this.

[5:38] Well, some of that's outtakes.

[5:39] Sure, all of it, I think.

[5:43] So this is a new episode.

[5:45] All you new listeners, this is our Nicolas Cage cast.

[5:48] No, it's not.

[5:49] Cage house.

[5:50] Cage house.

[5:51] Where we watch movies featuring Nicolas Cage, and then we talk about him, generally favorably,

[5:56] if I recall.

[5:57] Yeah, well, almost always.

[5:59] He has never made a bad movie.

[6:01] This episode is dedicated to his latest work of art.

[6:05] The Shocktober episode.

[6:07] Yeah, oh, my mistake.

[6:08] It's the Shocktober episode, which was probably indicated by the lead-in music.

[6:12] Yeah.

[6:13] And it is season, wait, what were you going to say?

[6:16] The thing about the Shocktober episodes of the podcast is that they are horror movies,

[6:19] as opposed to other times of the year when they are horror movies.

[6:22] Can I introduce the movie now?

[6:23] Oh, yes.

[6:24] Okay.

[6:25] Season.

[6:26] One thing about the movie is, well, it's what you should tell me.

[6:28] Okay.

[6:29] Season.

[6:30] Okay, but we're not really a Nicolas Cage podcast, right?

[6:32] No.

[6:33] Okay.

[6:34] Of the Witch.

[6:38] The popular.

[6:39] Season of the Witch.

[6:40] Oh, right.

[6:41] You missed that first part.

[6:43] Bought the rights to the popular Donovan song and turned it into a film.

[6:46] It's like Battleship the movie, right?

[6:48] This is not the first movie called Season of the Witch.

[6:50] It's also a George R. R. Martin movie called Season of the Witch.

[6:52] What?

[6:53] Is it about knights battling demons?

[6:55] No, it's about a suburban housewife who joins a coven.

[6:58] Wait, doesn't that movie have an alternate title, though?

[7:01] Yes, I think so.

[7:02] I can't remember.

[7:03] It's not Coven or Coven, though.

[7:05] That's a movie from an American movie.

[7:06] It's not Night of the Demons.

[7:08] Not Night of the Demon.

[7:09] It's not Night of the Demons 2?

[7:11] Nope.

[7:12] More knights, more demons.

[7:13] Okay, so Season of the Witch.

[7:15] I'm here to buy Tales from the Dark Presents.

[7:17] So, Season of the Witch.

[7:19] Wait, is it Bordello of Blood?

[7:20] No, it is not.

[7:21] It is not Tales from the Dark Side of the Movie.

[7:23] Nor is it Creepshow.

[7:25] Creepshow 2, it is not.

[7:27] Popcorn, buy a bag, go home in a box.

[7:32] It is not Hot Dog the movie.

[7:35] All fucking trails go back and lead back to fucking Hot Dog, huh?

[7:38] Of course.

[7:40] So, Stuart, you did a good job of summarizing the movie last time.

[7:43] Do you want to try again this time?

[7:44] No, I wasn't paying attention this time.

[7:46] Oh, okay.

[7:47] Well, then I'll do it.

[7:50] Let's see if I can remember.

[7:51] I was so distracted by seeing so much of Dan's area.

[7:54] But let's see.

[7:55] Nicolas Cage is a demon?

[7:57] No.

[7:58] Nicolas can be open with a priest killing a bunch of women who have been accused of being witches.

[8:04] And he has to, after killing them, he has to say over their body a prayer from what they call the Book of Solomon.

[8:09] A prayer for Owen Meany.

[8:10] A prayer for Owen Meany.

[8:11] From the Book of Solomon, even though it's written in Latin, a language I'm pretty sure didn't exist when Solomon was king.

[8:17] Anyhoo, we'll move on from that.

[8:19] But he fails to stop one of the witches who killed him.

[8:22] What language is he speaking?

[8:24] Latin.

[8:25] Okay.

[8:26] No, but the whole time.

[8:27] The whole time of the movie?

[8:28] Yeah, the whole time.

[8:29] Yeah, he's talking English with a very bland English, like American accent.

[8:32] This is a movie that takes place in the Middle Ages.

[8:34] I should have mentioned that.

[8:35] In the 13th and 14th centuries.

[8:37] But everyone has…

[8:38] A.D.

[8:39] A.D., as the titles tell us, in case we forgot.

[8:43] But everyone's…

[8:44] No one has…

[8:45] There's no uniform accents.

[8:46] Everyone in this movie has a different accent.

[8:48] I think even the British…

[8:49] Some of the British guys have bland American accents.

[8:51] Well, that's the thing.

[8:52] Several of the American actors appear to be doing a slight English accent.

[8:57] And then, as you point out, there's an English actor who is doing kind of like an American gangster accent or something.

[9:04] Well, and it's like Star Wars that way, where it's kind of England, but it's kind of not England.

[9:09] We're talking about death sticks.

[9:11] Who knows?

[9:12] Exactly.

[9:13] Anyway, then we go, we cut to, it's the Crusades.

[9:17] And Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman are two knight-fighting buddies who have joined the Crusades together.

[9:23] They generally have a rousy good time fighting Muslims, killing people, and getting drinks at the local taverns that apparently exist in the Muslim…

[9:32] Yeah, right next to the Crusades.

[9:34] Yeah, conveniently located adjacent to the Crusades.

[9:38] Until one day they attack a fort, and Nicolas Cage realizes they're killing women and children.

[9:44] He realizes because he runs through the gate and he stabs a woman.

[9:48] He runs through the gate sword first, and then the father of war runs it all the way to the hilts into a woman's belly.

[9:53] And that's when he suddenly realizes, oh, maybe this Crusades thing wasn't such a great idea.

[9:57] Well, he looks around and it's only women and children left.

[10:00] around dead yeah it's kind of weird they shouldn't have been hanging out there

[10:03] no yeah the doors of a battle yeah yeah they he cuts ties with the church and he

[10:08] and Ron Perlman and the two of them are probably the oldest night TV's Beast

[10:13] right guys TV's Beast TV's Beast the movie is Hellboy

[10:18] seen by me most recently in the hit film Drive yeah which he was very good

[10:24] Cronos look very large rose you think he was wearing a fat suit or anything you

[10:28] just put on some weight TV's Sons of Anarchy

[10:47] vagabonds I know yeah

[10:58] bodies are covered in buboes and so forth and sores and one of them still

[11:05] alive just enough to scare the viewers they go to the town nearby leading to

[11:13] the immortal line there's the town and they find that the town is one of many

[11:19] little kingdom castlets affected by this plague what's caused it well Nicolas

[11:24] Cage and Ron Perlman find out when they are thrown in the dungeon for deserting

[11:29] the crusading army it turns out there's a witch and the witch has caused it

[11:34] burn her in the well they can't burn her they had need to cast a spell on her to

[11:41] de-witch a fire in order to lift the plague and so well that makes sense in

[11:46] exchange for their freedom Ron Perlman and I keep want to say Lee Marvin for

[11:52] Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage and I'm phrasing it as if Ron Perlman is the star

[11:56] but he's Nicolas Cage have to go we can dream yes they have to go and take this

[12:03] witch to a monastery where the monks have the one remaining last book of

[12:09] Solomon and they can say the spell that will de-witch a fire and lift the plague

[12:13] of darkness from out mm-hmm so you can't just kill her along the way I

[12:22] can't quite remember at which point they realize that she's not a witch she's

[12:26] possessed by demon until the end they kill all of the wolves and then for some

[12:38] reason they start running away from them across the bridge they're tired to

[12:46] kill it beats don't fail me now they're nervous about depleting the wolf

[12:51] population in the area yeah I mean there's a there's a there's a balance

[12:58] across a rickety bridge along the way a couple of their members die and it turns

[13:04] out wolves to some one of their friends stabbing them in the belly and it turns

[13:13] out they get to the monastery all the monks have died of the same plague same

[13:18] how ironic huh I guess it's a clear example of dramatic irony the inciting

[13:27] incident which has amazing strength she she can cast illusions kind of she seems

[13:39] to know what's going on in people's memories turns out as mentioned she's

[13:42] possessed by a demon okay so wait is that different well I mean if she's a

[13:50] witch that's her fault yes if there's a demon I mean they still have to do a

[13:57] magic spell though right yeah so they could have just done that spell a long

[14:03] time ago okay so they're treated the demon tricked him into going there

[14:10] because the demon wants to do something with the books yeah that was a point

[14:15] that you made Elliot like they they say like oh no the the demon has tricked us

[14:19] into going here like to the place that they were going anyway yeah the place

[14:30] with the book that you want to wait there was a moment where the characters

[14:33] thought back to earlier moments in the story and came to realizations and that's

[14:38] shown to the viewers through a shitload of flashbacks of things we saw like five

[14:42] years ago okay yeah if the demon just you know behaved itself through the

[14:59] entire trip then it would be fine yeah I mean it's a demon so it's got magic

[15:07] powers what's extra nervous no you don't want to record this and I have to

[15:18] trash it exactly okay so anyway back to the movie so to make a long story short

[15:31] they go to the belfry of the monastery the demon sends a shitload of zombie

[15:37] monks after them they learn that it's really easy to kill the zombies if you

[15:41] just cut their heads off which is incredibly easy to do apparently but for

[15:44] some reason they don't always do that yeah they instead of just doing that

[15:47] attack they sometimes stabbed to the belly or throw daggers at people push

[15:52] them away and then the demon comes back the priest that was with them the whole

[15:58] time start saying the spell the demon kills him and yeah it looks like a

[16:06] dark side the movie yes it looks like a shittier computer-generated version of

[16:12] the demons from that movie yeah like a gargoyle it kind of looks like one of

[16:19] those things and without the almost Bruce Timmons designs yes I wouldn't say

[16:25] almost definitely Bruce Timmons yeah somebody else says the spell in his

[16:31] death throes Nicolas Cage saves the spell sayer from the demon and the demon

[16:36] gets all burned up Nicolas Cage dies the girl that the demon had possessed is okay

[16:40] Ron Perlman's dead everyone's dead except the girl in this other character

[16:44] and they ride off into the distance with the book of Solomon season of the witch

[16:49] the end and there's yeah there's like a little bit of a narrative at the end

[16:53] about how the plague was lifted because the demon was killed and they say

[16:56] addressing nothing about you know proper disposal of corpses or other hygienic

[17:00] practices well they say some the marriage literally says some may say it

[17:04] was just a disease that ran its course and burned away like a fever but we know

[17:08] it was this spell we didn't lose the last chunk did we no no keep talking and

[17:17] that's the end of season of the witch very unearned house cat that movie

[17:25] apologies we did a little we did a lot of check because we're paranoid we

[17:30] realized Elliot's my microphone was a little low yeah but now it appears to be

[17:34] on point so I hope everyone heard my plot summary of season the witch cuz I'm

[17:39] not going through it again I mean yeah I think you nailed it I think that's

[17:44] probably the best way to describe that story mm-hmm thanks so what do we have

[17:48] to say about this movie if first of all it was thrilling mm-hmm this movie sat

[17:53] on the shelf a long time yeah is that true not that long I mean the script is

[17:58] old the script goes back to 2000 I mean it does take place 700 years ago so it's

[18:06] not like it's out of date or anything is written by Shakespeare here's my main I

[18:11] have two two things I wanted to mention this one is that Nicolas Cage goes way

[18:15] out of his way to affect kind of an old-timey cadence like if God wants this

[18:21] from men then surely God himself cannot be merciful merciful but then Ron

[18:25] probably like all right well let's get the hell out of here like he just says

[18:29] everything the way Hellboy would say it which I liked but it was very jarring

[18:32] every time he said it I mean if they'd chosen one it would have been fine I

[18:37] mean I and I think that we wouldn't have preferred Ron Perlman's way yeah I

[18:41] think so if everyone was just kind of like whatever it's the Middle Ages sort

[18:45] of a army of darkness approach to material sure I mean Nicolas Cage has

[18:49] made enough of these movies he should know when to be the grim like he should

[18:54] never be the grim like quiet guy like we want the crazy wackadoo no that's what

[19:00] I was gonna say like Nicolas Cage still has his impeccable taste in terrible

[19:05] movie projects in movies where he has stupid hair I think he borrowed it from

[19:10] John Travolta in swordfish he knows how to make how to pick a movie in that the

[19:19] movies he picks are crazy stupid movies but he doesn't know the performance he

[19:25] doesn't know the performance that he needs to give to these movies like he

[19:28] saves up all his crazy performances for your your your bad lieutenant's port of

[19:33] New Orleans I would almost say that he's saying to himself what what director am

[19:38] I gonna pour a lot of energy into working with Dominic Senna or Werner

[19:42] Herzog yeah and I think he made the right choice there no it's true but I

[19:46] mean if he's gonna be making these crazy bad movies he needs to pour some that

[19:51] crazy energy he's got to pour some crazy on me mm-hmm he can't just be like

[19:56] mumbling away 3d yeah

[20:00] release he had yet swagger he needs to vampires kiss these rules

[20:05] the with the eye

[20:06] kisses

[20:08] with the others of them and it was good

[20:11] yet yes it was sure needs to pay you still got married

[20:15] into

[20:17] leaving las vegas no man we're not going to do it right now

[20:21] uh... this is our best stuff

[20:23] dan can you earmarked as a person who's going to be submitted to them

[20:28] these men here's the other big problem and this is like

[20:31] a fairly this and there's a lot of interest

[20:34] uh... as in ron perlman

[20:36] is a little bit

[20:37] but this is a that's implied i think like the first twenty five minutes this

[20:40] movie were pretty fun

[20:42] it moves really fast there's a lot of battling

[20:45] it gets very slow and very boring and kind of

[20:48] generic

[20:49] but the thing that bugs me about this movie is it's a movie that saying

[20:51] you know how in the middle ages the accused a lot of women of being which is

[20:54] and then burns them

[20:56] they were right to have been there were a shitload of which is because the plague

[21:01] and if we didn't have the which is the plague wouldn't have happened

[21:04] everything's demons and witches it's like i don't i can't buy into that i'm

[21:07] sorry

[21:08] uh... justified genocide through a sci-fi movie i think it's probably the

[21:12] first word yeah it's

[21:14] it just is very strange and take the side of the which killers

[21:18] well uh... i guess some of us don't love which is like you do elliot uh... what

[21:23] and uh... later you can see me as the better the husband of the devil and uh...

[21:28] you that's my wife you're talking about

[21:31] devilina

[21:32] uh...

[21:33] about all viral is the female version of the devil

[21:36] which is the mistress of the dark that and she's got a goofy to be the female

[21:40] version of the devil

[21:41] uh...

[21:42] she's more interested in uh... you know cleavage related and uh... pursuant to

[21:46] get that

[21:46] so i think that interest cleavage

[21:51] yes i think it should cleavage if it's not it wasn't

[21:54] so far again that's weird okay

[21:56] she's on the cover of every issue

[21:58] either her or megane of the kissing bandit

[22:02] and once was piggy

[22:05] that was not uh...

[22:06] was not the the top uh... issue of cleavage not a high selling issue of cleavage

[22:10] aficionado no

[22:12] it was their all foam issue

[22:14] her and pamela anderson

[22:19] so

[22:21] season of the witch huh

[22:22] yeah there's a lot to talk about there's a lot of uh... you've got to pick up every

[22:25] stitch

[22:27] yeah dan said that about forty thousand times

[22:29] when we were watching it

[22:31] apparently there's a song called season of the witch that dan is a big fan of

[22:35] did not stop

[22:36] did not stop singing during the

[22:38] during the movie uh... there are only a few uh...

[22:42] halloween like halloween style horror uh... rock songs out there

[22:46] to enjoy and so i enjoy them all okay and they are

[22:50] monster mash

[22:52] thriller

[22:53] both rock songs

[22:56] season of the witch uh...

[23:00] the uh...

[23:02] she's a vampire turns out

[23:04] uh... don't fear the reaper

[23:06] satisfaction also about vampires uh... all of the misfits songs werewolves in

[23:11] london

[23:12] werewolves of london

[23:13] two different songs werewolves in london and werewolves of london

[23:17] uh...

[23:18] werewolves of tokyo

[23:20] there's a thing about the purple people eater i don't think that's a halloween song

[23:25] that's a song that really glosses over the fact that he eats people

[23:28] it's every every the whole song is about

[23:31] the purple people eater feeling bad about himself because no one likes him

[23:34] he totally eats people

[23:37] there's a couple indicators of his past performance

[23:40] you know what maybe it's not the fact that you are weird looking

[23:44] more the fact that people are afraid you're going to eat them

[23:46] well that way so you're saying it's more the people eating less the purple part

[23:50] yes yeah or the one eyed one horned and flying

[23:55] i would think that would make him popular

[23:57] yeah at least it's something interesting it's a conversation starter

[24:00] so what are you

[24:01] that's how the conversation starts yeah

[24:03] at like a party

[24:05] most parties i go to that's how the conversations start

[24:09] and i say i'm a kissing bandit

[24:13] and i'm going to steal from you

[24:15] part time work

[24:17] so season of the witch

[24:19] uh... do you guys have anything to say about this movie? it's a tough one to talk about i mean it's

[24:23] fairly straightforward

[24:25] the

[24:27] there's a lot of

[24:28] they seem to err on the side of computer graphics when it comes to

[24:32] pretty much everything

[24:33] so like oh no there's guys surrounded by wolves but

[24:37] wolves aren't scary enough let's give them all demon faces all of a sudden

[24:41] there's a lot of characters walking through woods and sitting around campfires

[24:46] and not a lot of action which is it's like the movie used up its action quota

[24:50] in the ration in the beginning and then they'd save the rest for the end of the movie

[24:54] i like the ron perlman quality of it if this movie had been more about like

[24:58] ron perlman and nicholas cage as being sassy crusaders then i would have enjoyed it

[25:03] take all the demon shit out and just have them be sassy crusaders it's rare that i say

[25:08] about a movie that would have been better without all the demon stuff in it

[25:10] but i would have rather seen a movie about like a

[25:15] you know just two guys two amiable rogues having adventures in the middle ages

[25:19] yeah i mean betting wenches and

[25:22] fighting

[25:23] deep crooks i would say demons but they did that in this movie

[25:26] swilling grog

[25:27] grog would definitely be swilled

[25:30] most of the movie you have nicholas cage and ron perlman walking around basically

[25:34] talking about how it's not cool to kill women and children

[25:38] and how the church could sometimes be wrong

[25:40] but in this case the church is right there are demons and witches causing the black plague

[25:45] well i mean like that's the they're not totally right

[25:47] they're blending on witches

[25:49] whereas demons are really the problem

[25:53] so it's not the young girls are still causing the plague

[25:55] well i mean it's not it's a little less misogynistic

[25:57] not really well demons just enjoy

[26:01] uh... inhabiting

[26:03] young girls

[26:04] like really like that makes it even worse

[26:07] you're creepy ali you're like a demon

[26:10] you're like a demon who likes to inhabit young girls

[26:14] i'm coming from pervazoid number one that really hurts

[26:17] look just because i'm wearing a pervazoid city some speedos that have a

[26:23] tuxedo emblazoned upon them doesn't mean

[26:26] you look really comfortable wearing those by the way yeah a little too comfortable

[26:29] uh... i feel a little guilty for whoever is going to sit on this chair

[26:33] and act like it's still you i mean it's your apartment

[26:36] but i mean most of the movie is nicholas cage and ron perlman running around

[26:40] uh... espousing these opinions that

[26:43] i mean people in modern day clearly agree with like yeah okay you don't want

[26:47] to kill women and children yeah you know sometimes like

[26:50] killing

[26:51] possible which is for you know

[26:53] no real apparent reason

[26:55] doesn't make a lot of sense like we agree with his character so there's no

[26:58] real conflict they don't really have to make the case to us

[27:01] it'd be different if they believed that

[27:04] which is were bad you gotta kill them and then they had to make us agree with

[27:07] them yeah we automatically identify with nicholas cage even though he may have

[27:12] like doesn't really do anything of any import throughout the entire movie

[27:15] yeah he doesn't do very much except keep this

[27:18] this uh... possessed woman alive at times by convincing other people not to

[27:22] kill her

[27:23] but then and sometimes having dreams of the woman he stabbed in the chest yeah

[27:26] he wants to kill at one point the other characters won't let him he doesn't

[27:29] really do much to earn our

[27:31] thinking of him as a hero he tackles the demon at one point and then gets stabbed

[27:35] in the back a bunch by it's wing opinion

[27:39] is that like an opinion about a wing yes

[27:42] wing opinion

[27:43] yeah it's this i was reading wikipedia it said they lowered the level of gore

[27:47] and violence in the movie

[27:49] so they could i guess make it a pg-thirteen movie and

[27:51] it suffers from that not a lot there's a lot of long stretches of not

[27:55] not much thrills well people rush to the theater to see a movie set in the middle

[27:59] ages about demons starring nicholas cage and ron perlman

[28:02] yeah and

[28:03] when they find out that

[28:05] it's you know family-friendly doesn't have high levels of gore everyone wants to go

[28:08] see it yeah that's true you know take grandma take the kids

[28:12] it's thanksgiving you know what don't even eat the turkey it's josey's season of the witch

[28:17] it's christmas

[28:18] santa's coming with his sleigh season of the witch sure he's already brought you a gift it's at the

[28:23] multiplex yeah season's greetings season of the witch's greetings that is

[28:28] babysitting someone else's kids babysitting someone else's grandma

[28:32] take the season of the witch

[28:34] it's good for ages one to a hundred and one

[28:37] season of the witch

[28:40] uh... yeah so

[28:42] let's let's let's tie this up

[28:45] with a bow you don't like his bullshit about season of the witch

[28:48] i thought we were finally hit on something

[28:52] that would have been a great ad campaign if it was

[28:54] nicholas cage in

[28:56] his knight's armor with a santa claus hat

[28:59] holding a gift

[29:01] nicholas cage has a gift for you it's called season of the witch i got you something

[29:05] you'll find out what it is when you go to the movie theater and say one for season of the witch

[29:09] and they give the guys some money

[29:11] it's a surprise though

[29:16] they used to take out ads like that i forget what movie it was there was a

[29:20] movie that

[29:20] where the ad campaign was that it was

[29:22] that studio's gift to the world

[29:25] and it's like that that's really ballsy

[29:29] it's like there was a

[29:30] unforgiven

[29:31] why not

[29:32] fun forgiven

[29:34] go see unforgiven

[29:35] take the whole family

[29:37] take the whole clan

[29:39] uh... yeah

[29:40] no but i'm shutting it down

[29:42] wow okay

[29:45] but you know a set of tuxedos and everything gets really organized

[29:49] we've got some great letters to get to we've had some

[29:51] dan suddenly got sleepy when the tuxedos got to him

[29:53] we've got some audio issues

[29:54] i almost wonder if it's taking his spirit away

[29:57] it's like a witch

[29:57] he's possessed

[29:58] by a spooked tuxedos

[30:00] The Tuxedo Speedos have some kind of malign intelligence similar to the demon-faced wolves.

[30:05] It's like I'm wearing a Venom suit in Speedo porn.

[30:10] Oh, it's called the Symbiote.

[30:11] It's a Symbiote. He got it during the Secret Wars.

[30:13] Yeah.

[30:14] Secret Speedo Wars.

[30:16] Venom suit.

[30:17] Secret drawers.

[30:18] Venom suit.

[30:20] Yeah, come on.

[30:21] Let's continue.

[30:22] You know what? Let's wrap this thing up in a Bow Venom suit.

[30:25] Yeah, don't say Venom suit when we're at Comic New York, New York Flopcon 2011 this weekend.

[30:32] Don't we have to give our final judgments?

[30:34] We'll give our final judgments, then we'll talk about Flopcon.

[30:35] Flopcon 2011? Okay, at the Javits Center?

[30:37] So, was this movie...

[30:41] There's only the New York one.

[30:42] Boise, oh, I don't know.

[30:43] Was this movie...

[30:44] Scarily good?

[30:46] Scarily bad?

[30:48] Or scarily meh?

[30:50] I thought it was spookily good bad.

[30:53] Spookily good?

[30:55] So, Dan, what was the rating?

[30:57] Was it totally scarifying?

[31:00] Okay.

[31:01] Totally snorifying?

[31:03] Or was it frighteningly funny?

[31:05] Okay.

[31:06] None of those apply.

[31:08] They are all just inappropriate to this.

[31:14] But, Stuart, maybe you go first.

[31:17] You know, I'll give it a frighteningly...

[31:22] Snorifying?

[31:24] Wait, no, that...

[31:25] Oh, my God.

[31:26] Not one of the...

[31:27] Wait.

[31:28] It was scarily snorifying?

[31:30] No, no, no.

[31:32] You're making a mockery of the seasonal ratings.

[31:35] Horrifically bad a good?

[31:37] I'll agree with you, though.

[31:39] It moved along fairly quickly.

[31:43] It wasn't as painful to watch as some other movies.

[31:47] It was instantly forgotten.

[31:49] Yeah, not memorable.

[31:51] It wasn't, I wouldn't say funny,

[31:54] but it wasn't totally snorifying

[31:56] until you get to about four, 35 minutes in,

[31:59] and then it gets kind of boring for a while.

[32:01] This is an hour and a half long movie,

[32:02] so it's not like it took a long time to watch.

[32:03] I mean, an hour and 25 minutes.

[32:05] A little bit longer.

[32:06] Well, yes, an hour and 25, yeah.

[32:07] And so, I mean, it was pretty good.

[32:10] When the wolves started killing people,

[32:12] we were talking a bunch,

[32:13] so I don't really remember.

[32:14] Well, it was just ridiculous

[32:15] because the wolves barely killed anybody.

[32:17] The wolves did a lot of jumping onto people's weapons,

[32:19] jumping in the way of swords.

[32:21] And there was a moment where Nicolas Cage

[32:22] was being approached by two wolves from opposite directions,

[32:25] and you're really hoping he's going to jump over them.

[32:27] So the wolves will hit each other.

[32:28] Yeah, smash each other,

[32:29] maybe bite each other really hard.

[32:31] Here's how threatening the wolves were.

[32:32] If Nicolas Cage was standing next to a cliff,

[32:35] the wolf would have jumped off the cliff.

[32:37] Yeah.

[32:39] Like the wolf in the Benji movie,

[32:40] when the wolf's attacking Benji,

[32:42] and it jumps off the cliff.

[32:43] Season of the Benji?

[32:44] Yeah.

[32:45] That one?

[32:46] Yeah, Season of the Benji.

[32:47] Benji of the Witch?

[32:49] Oh, Heavenly Witch?

[32:50] Okay, so that was my review.

[32:51] Oh, God, you witchel?

[32:53] Frighteningly snorifying.

[32:55] Elliot.

[32:56] Okay, I'm going to agree with Stuart on every count, I guess.

[32:59] It was not the worst movie we've seen,

[33:01] not particularly interesting or memorable,

[33:04] but the first half hour,

[33:06] I was saying to you guys,

[33:07] I'm enjoying this a lot more than most of the movies we've seen lately,

[33:10] but then it just bogged down.

[33:11] It's better than Bangkok Dangerous, not as good as Next.

[33:15] And not as good as Drive Angry.

[33:17] I like Drive Angry more.

[33:18] Yeah, in the Cage canon.

[33:20] Yeah.

[33:21] I'd put it squarely in the middle.

[33:23] Better than Knowing, too.

[33:24] Oh, way better than Knowing, yeah.

[33:26] Yeah, I agree with you guys.

[33:27] I mean, I might like it a bit better than Next.

[33:29] But not as good as Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[33:31] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[33:32] Which itself is kind of dumb.

[33:33] But Next was the one where you could see what happens next.

[33:36] What happens next, yeah, sure.

[33:38] Yeah, no, I agree.

[33:40] You could see a Seinfeld rerun is coming up next.

[33:44] Next, you're just holding the TV guy.

[33:46] Put that down, John, Next.

[33:48] Ron Perlman was the best thing about this movie,

[33:50] and I think it should have been called Season of the Ron Perlman,

[33:54] and I would have enjoyed it a lot.

[33:56] Different movie.

[33:57] Harder to market.

[33:59] Especially in foreign countries.

[34:02] A little too on-the-nose for some people.

[34:04] Let's just call Ron Perlman the movie.

[34:06] Too self-aware.

[34:07] So, J-C-V-D sort of thing.

[34:09] Yeah.

[34:10] Or B-V-D.

[34:11] What?

[34:12] I don't know.

[34:13] But I agree with you guys in spirit.

[34:15] In reality, I hate you.

[34:18] Okay, wow.

[34:20] A surprise ending.

[34:22] The evil shorts are continuing to destroy Dan's mind.

[34:26] His air quotes venom suit that he's wearing.

[34:29] His venom suit.

[34:31] Venom suit.

[34:33] Bleg.

[34:34] Venom suit.

[34:35] What?

[34:36] Yeah, spider person's venom suit that he wears in Marvel comic stories

[34:43] when he fights Incredible Green Man and Captain United States.

[34:52] So, where are we going this weekend, guys?

[34:55] Oh, man.

[34:56] Let's talk about it.

[34:57] Professor Gex and Wolverchunk.

[35:08] Can't wait to see what the avenging guy is.

[35:12] Wolverchunk and his team leader, Cyclone.

[35:18] His team leader, One-Eyed Laserface.

[35:23] We're going to FlopCon 2011.

[35:25] New York City's Javits Center.

[35:27] People may know that this weekend is FlopCon 2011,

[35:30] the biggest flop house convention in the country.

[35:32] I think it's pronounced Javits Center.

[35:33] In the Javits Center.

[35:37] There will also be an additional event being organized

[35:41] called the New York City Comic Con.

[35:43] Yeah, I think that's a side.

[35:44] It might be in a side hallway.

[35:46] FlopCon is going on.

[35:47] FlopCon is for people who are way into bad movies and hearing us talk.

[35:52] People are going to come dressed as us,

[35:53] dressed as the Brats, dressed as Nicolas Cage with crazy hair.

[35:57] Flop House house cat is not allowed to be dressed as,

[36:00] as physical images of the Flop House house cat are against God.

[36:08] There will be, if you show up as a Jedi,

[36:11] we will direct you to the Comic Con,

[36:15] where they'll be having a Jedi lightsaber battle.

[36:17] Will the 501st Stormtrooper Army be welcome?

[36:20] Yeah, I mean, they're allowed.

[36:22] We can't turn them away.

[36:23] We don't have blasters.

[36:24] What about Levi's 501 jeans?

[36:26] They'll be approved.

[36:27] I mean, I don't agree with the cut, but that's okay.

[36:29] So guys, I may actually have this episode up before Comic Con,

[36:33] because I don't want to worry about it while I'm at Comic Con.

[36:38] Oh, good idea, because it might be like a home alone situation

[36:41] where it has to defend your apartment from burglars.

[36:43] I don't follow, but I agree with it.

[36:45] No, I agree with it.

[36:46] I'm at Comic Con.

[36:47] The podcast.

[36:49] Who's going to put micromachines on the floor?

[36:52] Three paint cans at Daniel Stern's head.

[36:54] But assuming that I do get it up early, yeah, we're going to—

[36:58] We're going to be at Comic Con.

[37:00] The New York Comic Con.

[37:01] The New York Comic Con in the Javits Center on the west side of Manhattan.

[37:05] And our listeners can feel good to know that I did receive my press pass.

[37:09] I was approved for a press pass because of this podcast.

[37:12] Because I wrote up the information you need to submit for the podcast.

[37:17] And then I took all that information.

[37:18] And then I filled out the application for you.

[37:20] And then when they emailed you and said, can you give us some more information,

[37:22] you wrote me and said, what do I tell them?

[37:25] And I told you what to tell them.

[37:26] Okay, I took what he told me, and then I also took the links that Dan suggested I put in there.

[37:31] I mixed a little bit of Stuart Wellington flavor.

[37:34] I think you love stew balls.

[37:38] And then I sent it along and was given the thumbs up.

[37:41] So the Flophouse is officially a press organization as defined by the New York Comic Con.

[37:47] We're going to be there.

[37:48] Well, we'll all definitely be there Saturday.

[37:50] Saturday at noon I'll be part of a panel called Geek Chic or something like that.

[37:55] That's weird.

[37:56] About geek culture and comedy writing.

[38:00] That's noon at the Javits Center.

[38:02] Look out for that panel if you want to hear me talk like you're hearing now, but in person.

[38:06] If you're coming to Comic Con, you can try and track us all down.

[38:09] I mean, we will all be wearing false mustaches and sunglasses to protect ourselves from rabid fans.

[38:15] And trench coats with collars turned up.

[38:17] I'm probably going to spend the whole time over by the World of Warcraft screens watching people play World of Warcraft.

[38:23] And I think Dan is a judge at the Young Girls in Two Sexually Revealing Costumes contest.

[38:30] If only.

[38:32] If only, friends.

[38:34] We'll be wandering around, so keep an eye out for us.

[38:36] There may be people dressed as the Flophouse that aren't us.

[38:40] Yeah, I mean, it's going to be FlopCon.

[38:42] There's a lot of Flophouse cosplay out there.

[38:44] Yeah, Flopsplay.

[38:46] People dressed as the house cat.

[38:48] Female Elliotts weirdly turned me on, I've got to tell you.

[38:51] Femelliotts.

[38:52] Femelliotts.

[38:54] Didn't do as well.

[38:57] Femelliotts are a little different than Danielle, by the way.

[39:00] By the way, seriously, guys, seriously, Congress should fund Femelliotts.

[39:03] I think that's important for all of us in America.

[39:06] Like FEMA.

[39:08] Anywho, wait, hold on, who am I?

[39:11] Emergency Management Elliot.

[39:13] Yep.

[39:15] Yeah, I don't get it.

[39:17] Anywho, FlopCon 2011 at New York Comic Con 2011.

[39:20] For questions about FlopCon, write to the Flophouse.

[39:24] Do not write to Comic Con because they don't know it exists.

[39:26] They think it's just Comic Con.

[39:28] They don't know FlopCon is going on at the same place.

[39:30] Lance Spencerman will send you a reply that says stop emailing me.

[39:34] And come hear Mark Hamill speak.

[39:38] Yeah, and what do you guys hope to do otherwise at Comic Con?

[39:40] Do you have any specific things?

[39:42] I'm probably going to get another autograph from Dan Abnett.

[39:45] Cool.

[39:47] John Landis is there promoting that monster book that got to work.

[39:52] So I could see John Landis.

[39:54] Are you going to bring that to get it signed?

[39:55] Probably not.

[39:56] It's a heavy book.

[39:57] I'm going to go try and find weird cartoonists to get a sketch.

[40:00] little books of sketches from yeah I'm gonna be on the original art hunt

[40:04] yeah see if there's any within my price range. Jeff Darrows and Tom Fowler's and

[40:09] such. Sure yeah I'd love to have a Jeff Darrow or Tom Fowler.

[40:12] Okay Dan you look like you uh you're you just hauled out the movie mailbag

[40:17] oh yeah the flop house movie mailbag oh it's a heavy mailbag this week. Oh man.

[40:21] You're gonna get cancer. It seems heavy. Stop straining. Please stop straining in front of us.

[40:25] Let me just bend over and get this. No please don't. So many veins. It's weird how his leg hairs stand on end.

[40:32] Like they have miniature muscles in them. Guys that was a real workout so we just did a

[40:38] little radio play this is from Kristen last name withheld and she says dearest

[40:45] flop house. Do it in a ladies voice. Dearest flop house. Do it in your voice. Dearest flop house. Now you're a vampire. Dearest flop house. Now you're Michael Caine. Dearest flop house. Okay now you're Woody Allen. Dearest flop house. Okay you're George Washington. Dearest flop house. Doesn't sound anyone like him. How do you know?

[41:10] Well yeah no wooden teeth. Didn't sound like you were gonna chop down a cherry tree.

[41:14] Katherine last name withheld. Kristen. Kristen last name withheld. You forgot the name within seconds. To be fair we threw a lot of names out there. I get confused fairly easily. She says I recently uploaded. Are you sure it's not Katherine? Come on. I recently uploaded a few clips of the podcast to YouTube as a probably not very effective way to publicize the podcast. However if you like the clips being taken down just let me know. No we will not.

[41:39] We love the clips being up there. They're all about information wanting to be free and stuff like that. Yep. Basically opposite of Metallica. Yeah. In many ways. I don't know if I'll be able to upload more any time soon as I'm starting my second year of grad school in a week. But I noticed the lack of much flop house on YouTube and thought I'd do my part to rectify it. I don't know how many new listeners a clip of the famed Chopin Goethe Balls tangent will bring in but at least I tried.

[42:08] Thank you.

[42:10] P.S. The Flop House has quickly become one of my favorite podcasts for reading the writing right up in the A.B. Club. I listen to the Bratz episode more times than I care to admit.

[42:19] Yes.

[42:21] No. Thank you for uploading those. We checked them out. Elliot actually before he knew that you'd sent in a letter alerting me to this fact.

[42:31] I found them. I forget how. I probably Googled my own name. But thank you very much for doing it. It was very exciting to see them there and it meant we have real – it really showed how passionate our listeners are which was great and anything that helps bring in new people is wonderful. So we really appreciate it. Thanks for sticking up for the floppers.

[42:48] Yeah, thanks. Yeah, and it's a good thing to direct new people to if they want to listen to things that sound like gibberish and –

[42:58] Well, they are funny.

[43:00] No, they're funny. I mean like –

[43:02] Talk about what celebrities Dan thinks are hot.

[43:04] That's not part of it. I don't know why like every negative stereotype is now being attached to me.

[43:11] You're just a homophobe and a super perv. That's all.

[43:15] Well, if you've eaten a Leonardo Cyclops, you've got no personality. So you've got to make one.

[43:18] That's the thing, dude.

[43:19] Anyway.

[43:21] Like I accept my mantle as being a super party animal. Like I put up with that.

[43:26] And I accept mine as being a really smart guy.

[43:28] Wait, I thought you were racist.

[43:31] No, racist never really stuck.

[43:33] That's probably Dan too.

[43:34] Because I love all peoples.

[43:35] Oh, okay. Because you're so smart.

[43:37] Yeah.

[43:38] I love all peoples too. It's just you –

[43:40] In a gross way.

[43:41] The love that you have ascribed to me has been perverted.

[43:44] I love that please don't speak its name anymore.

[43:46] So thank you, Catherine.

[43:48] Kristen.

[43:49] Okay.

[43:50] Thank you, Kristen.

[43:52] This is from Matt Last Name Withheld. It's titled Tom's Wrong and One Other Thing.

[43:58] Cryptic.

[43:59] It says, hi, gang. Just wanted to point out that Tom may be mistaken in his critique about the ending of Minority Report.

[44:05] It's mentioned in the film that those imprisoned live out whatever fantasy they want until they die.

[44:10] It seems that because everything magically works out at the end of the film for Tom Cruise,

[44:14] that what we're seeing could easily be interpreted as his fantasy while trapped in the prison.

[44:19] It's definitely open-ended, but I wanted to defend Stewart's recommendation since Dan did nothing to rebuke Tom's takedown.

[44:26] I have to say when I listened to that, because I wasn't there, I would have brought this up at the time.

[44:30] Dan, you made a dismissive comment about the scene where he chases his own eyeball.

[44:33] No, no. I love that scene. It's just weird.

[44:35] It made it sound like you didn't like it. That's the best scene in the movie. It's great.

[44:38] Yeah.

[44:39] I loved a really weird slapstick moment in the middle of an otherwise almost too serious movie,

[44:44] but I like that film a lot more than other people.

[44:47] No, I think it's a solid late period Spielberg.

[44:49] The only thing I don't like about it is when he gets his eyes replaced and the guy at Mad Science says,

[44:54] don't take the bandages off your eyes for 12 hours, 12 hours or however long it is.

[44:59] And Tom Cruise takes them off early and nothing bad happens.

[45:02] No repercussions at all.

[45:03] No repercussions at all.

[45:04] And also he needs his old eyes to get into the building and no one tracks him by his eyes anymore.

[45:07] So he really made it harder for himself when he changed his eyes out.

[45:11] But it's a neat scene.

[45:13] But Matt goes on to say, second paragraph.

[45:16] This is the one other thing.

[45:18] Also, I wanted to mention that there have now been two podcasts where Dan and Stu were arguing before the record,

[45:25] My Soul to Take and Gooby.

[45:27] Could this be the beginnings of a fracturing of the flopper triumvirate?

[45:31] Probably not, but this is one less thing I needed hanging over my head while I toss and turn at night

[45:36] worrying about the state of the world, the environment, and the economy.

[45:39] What were we arguing about?

[45:41] I know with My Soul to Take it was about –

[45:43] We were arguing – well, I don't want to entirely spoil it because the next email is about the argument too.

[45:50] Forget it.

[45:51] Well, just to rest everyone assured, Dan and Stuart get along great these days.

[45:56] They went through counseling.

[45:57] With a get-along gang, if you will.

[45:59] They're not the get-along gang.

[46:00] I would say we –

[46:01] I would say –

[46:02] No, they're neither that.

[46:04] We get into fresh arguments every time we see each other.

[46:07] Totally fresh arguments.

[46:08] Old arguments complete.

[46:10] They're deaf and fat and totally –

[46:12] They're radical.

[46:15] They're gnarly, bodacious, and tubular.

[46:21] Not to mention grody to the max.

[46:23] Wait, no, that's a bad thing.

[46:25] Oh, it is?

[46:26] Ginchy.

[46:27] Yeah, they're real hep.

[46:29] They're far out and not dullsville.

[46:34] So as I said, the cat's pajamas.

[46:37] We get into radical arguments every time we see each other.

[46:40] Old arguments completely forgotten.

[46:43] Yes.

[46:44] As shown by the fact that I've forgotten that we had an argument.

[46:48] And the easy camaraderie with which they take every task.

[46:53] But to continue on that tack, Josh, last name withheld, says,

[46:58] What Stuart and Dan were fighting about.

[47:01] Here's my take of –

[47:02] Oh, I remember that one.

[47:04] We had a contest about what we were fighting.

[47:06] Yeah, we had one of our famous flop house contests.

[47:08] He says, Here's my take of what happened that caused such a monumental rift between two friends.

[47:14] A rift war, if you will.

[47:15] This isn't a – this isn't another –

[47:17] No, this is –

[47:18] There's no slash fiction.

[47:19] Yeah, we're not going to end up doing each other, are we?

[47:21] No, there's no –

[47:22] You are wearing a Tuxedo.

[47:23] Yeah.

[47:24] During a slow portion of my soul to take, Dan admitted to Stuart that his parents had prevented him

[47:29] from seeing Cool World in the theaters.

[47:32] Wait a minute.

[47:33] This is scarily accurate.

[47:35] Keep reading.

[47:36] Because they said it was too adult.

[47:38] Stuart found this uproariously funny and spent the better part of five minutes

[47:42] pointing out that Dan was a loser.

[47:45] Who had to ask –

[47:46] Was he here?

[47:47] Was Josh here?

[47:49] Dan was a loser.

[47:50] I mean, you never saw Cool World.

[47:52] You were a loser.

[47:53] You would never know what Holly would if Holly could.

[47:57] Who had to ask his parents' permission to go to the movies.

[48:01] Further, Stuart proudly boasted that his parents didn't give a shit what he watched as a child,

[48:05] even letting him stay up to watch HBO on Saturday nights when it was, to quote Stuart,

[48:10] nothing but tits.

[48:13] I mean, verbatim.

[48:14] Sounds like –

[48:15] Verbatim.

[48:16] Sounds like a quote.

[48:17] Are we being – was there a wire?

[48:18] Dan, are you wearing a wire?

[48:20] An already irritated Dan decided to let Stuart slide on this one,

[48:23] but that thin layer of restraint was shattered when Stuart ate the last bonafide chicken from Popeye's,

[48:28] a Popeye's he didn't pay for, mind you.

[48:30] Curious at this affront, Dan blurted out that Stuart was actually the biggest loser

[48:34] because he admitted to getting turned on by that scene in Ghostbusters

[48:37] when Dan Aykroyd had that one dream sequence where a ghost blew him.

[48:41] Stuart snarled in response,

[48:43] at least you didn't say it was a spooktacular blowjob

[48:46] or whatever the fuck you use for ratings when it's October.

[48:49] There was silence for the remainder of the movie.

[48:52] As it was, Elliot merely sat off in a corner,

[48:54] trying his best to ignore his friend's childish antics by writing a fan fiction

[48:58] about what happens when the biker mice from Mars live in the same universe as street sharks.

[49:02] Read it already.

[49:03] Wrote it already.

[49:04] So that's when Josh's last name is better, right?

[49:07] Yeah, it's called Biker Mice from Mars Meet the Street Sharks,

[49:10] and so far I haven't had too many takers,

[49:13] but the big reveal at the end is that the biker mice are from Venus.

[49:17] They're ladies.

[49:18] Street sharks fall in love, they get married, the end.

[49:21] That sets it up for the squeakle.

[49:23] You're allowed to say squeakle?

[49:25] That's copyrighted?

[49:26] At this point it's just in the vernacular.

[49:28] They're like Shakespeare.

[49:29] The words just float into the public domain.

[49:32] So that was the…

[49:34] That was very accurate.

[49:35] Yeah, I mean that was…

[49:36] Now I remember that fight.

[49:38] That was spookily accurate.

[49:40] Yeah.

[49:41] Or was it frighteningly funny?

[49:43] It was both.

[49:44] Or scarily wrong?

[49:46] No, it was pretty close.

[49:47] We often get in fights about Cool World.

[49:51] So…

[49:53] I mean usually it's about whether the…

[49:56] Usually…

[49:57] In terms of things you get into fights about Cool World…

[50:00] world like sixty five seventy percent yeah

[50:02] because it's about

[50:03] how cool that world was whether it was totally cool or there is a little cool

[50:08] yeah i think i was just a little in your case and i assumed i was assumed that

[50:12] it was just drafty

[50:13] it was cool like there was a draft running through it

[50:16] no so it's not like a like how

[50:18] how relaxed and confident it is, no no just about like chilly

[50:22] i mean that's

[50:23] we could argue that, i mean it's a movie we're never going to be able to feel the temperature, i mean it's an awesome world

[50:27] is what i'm saying, i think it's an awesome world where a lady walks around in a short

[50:32] a short dress

[50:34] like a cartoon or a real lady?

[50:36] well a cartoon lady, she's a cartoon lady

[50:38] until she has sex with a real person, which somehow turns into a real person but then doesn't

[50:43] and then the world blows up, i've seen that movie a couple times i still don't really understand what the hell is going on in it

[50:49] no there's no, but you're along for the ride that's the thing, oh sure yeah i was along for that ride

[50:54] it feels like a movie that was adapted from a book that was never written, you're addicted to that rush

[50:59] oh yeah

[51:01] it's strange that that movie was advertised on the back of i think every comic book i've read as a kid

[51:05] well yeah because there's cartoons in it

[51:08] it's like who framed roger rabbit, it's exactly like that

[51:12] for people who don't pay that close attention to what's going on, and don't like to be entertained

[51:19] the next email is from brian, last name withheld

[51:26] it's titled, is nothing sacred?

[51:28] question mark

[51:30] you say it like that, like a batman villain?

[51:33] is nothing sacred? batman? question mark, batman? question mark?

[51:39] he used the word

[51:40] sacred

[51:41] clearly he's going to

[51:43] blow up gotham's church

[51:47] of course, red saksworth, the famous gotham city baseball player, he's signing today at the gotham city sports-a-drome

[51:55] that was that was the thing

[51:56] yeah, wait what?

[51:57] it was the thing, the diddle-a-little thing, the batman thing

[52:02] what i like is we've introduced a new batman villain, the punctuator

[52:06] it's batman!

[52:10] do you dare batman? question mark

[52:13] so wait, that's three new batman films, there's seven pounds, the contest ruiner, and the punctuator

[52:18] dc should be paying us

[52:20] this is ridiculous

[52:22] we should really corner someone, and new york comic company that publishes batman

[52:27] hey chris, detective comic, you know, chris nolan

[52:30] listen, you're a popular fan of this podcast

[52:34] hey chris nolans

[52:35] stop making movies about those mind people

[52:38] and instead, mind people, you know, dream crowds

[52:42] instead, throw out the contest ruiner in your movie

[52:45] give us a little bit of money, a little bit of a kickback

[52:48] uh... no, this is from brianlastnamewithheld, and he says, attention

[52:52] floppers

[52:53] ripped from the headlines, and he actually attaches a

[52:57] a jpeg

[52:58] to confirm that it was ripped from the headlines

[53:01] uh...

[53:02] and it's

[53:04] it's not another naked celebrity, is it?

[53:06] iowa governor

[53:08] terry brandstrad

[53:10] fired the governor's mansion

[53:12] fired the governor's mansion housecat

[53:15] by cutting its food rations

[53:16] until the housecat was forced to run away

[53:19] see attached article

[53:22] if one housecat is attacked

[53:24] all housecats are attacked

[53:26] with what such travesty

[53:29] yeah, the housecats allied 101

[53:31] with such travesties in state government, only one action is acceptable

[53:36] all housecats must march on the iowa state capitol

[53:40] mouse toys and balls of yarn will be provided

[53:43] however, there must be a voice for this movement, and only one voice will do

[53:47] the flop house housecat

[53:48] i mean, it's more of a yowl

[53:50] housecat, you've heard the call, and i trust you'll do the right thing

[53:54] i look forward to seeing you

[53:55] in des moines

[53:57] by the way dan, i do consider

[53:58] the flop house one half bad movie podcast and one half

[54:02] housecat podcast

[54:03] i mean, that's...

[54:05] you get like one yowl an episode, i mean... the proportion is not really there

[54:09] so does the housecat usually stand up for political things? does it take a stand on the issues?

[54:14] i mean, he tries not to, he's not a role model

[54:16] why is he not a role model? is he in trouble?

[54:20] because he understands that he's more of

[54:22] what uh... what they call a party animal? yeah, with his backwards hat and his sling shot

[54:27] his converse all-stars and his skateboard

[54:29] yeah, and i mean, he can't really... he has difficulty uh... handling the pressure of

[54:33] being a role model, it turns him to drinking

[54:35] ooh, that's bad

[54:37] so we won't see the housecat in des moines

[54:39] i mean, you might, you never know

[54:41] i'm not gonna put him into a box, if you will

[54:45] not even a pet carrier? yeah, i mean, if it's a box, it's gonna have a shitload of holes punched in it

[54:52] uh... this last email for the evening

[54:54] it's from jake, last name withheld

[54:57] and he says, he titles this, a flop house themed road trip

[55:01] i never ride into podcasts, but i felt the need to in this case

[55:05] i came to your podcast late after the onion ride up, but immediately tried to catch up

[55:09] with your years of recorded shows

[55:12] for the past couple weeks i've been driving cross-country from boston to san diego

[55:16] since a long portion of that drive features

[55:20] what? what? like driving from boston to san diego and back again? no, just from one way

[55:25] takes weeks, what is this, a covered wagon?

[55:29] alright, sorry, i apologize. watch out for typhoid and accidentally breaking an ankle

[55:34] don't try and cock the wagon to ford the river, just pay the ferryman

[55:38] pay the ferryman

[55:39] and if you know what, don't shoot so much buffalo when you're getting food, i know it's a lot of fun

[55:43] you're not gonna be able to carry it. but if you do, spin around wildly in a circle

[55:48] also, you chose being a doctor, right?

[55:50] because that means you'll win

[55:52] anyway

[55:53] since a long portion of that drive features areas with three radio stations

[55:57] two for jesus talk and one for country music

[55:59] i needed podcasts. which is kind of jesus talk to music

[56:02] i wanted to say that you uh... that aside from elliot's comforting nebuchadnezzar

[56:06] tendencies reminding me of my northeast jewish liberal home

[56:09] your podcast brought only disaster

[56:13] around the nebraska iowa border

[56:15] i was listening to an old... that was an audio double take, that was stewart having a spit take

[56:20] at what he heard

[56:21] around the nebraska iowa border

[56:23] i was listening to an older episode

[56:25] where stewart

[56:26] after casting the three of you in a night court remake

[56:30] asks... this is a weird podcast... can we do that?

[56:38] elliot's incredulous response sends all of you and subsequently me

[56:42] into a chaotic laughing fit

[56:44] at this point i laughed so hard

[56:46] i yanked the steering wheel

[56:48] dropped my water bottle

[56:50] and was then pulled over for erratic driving by an iowa state trooper

[56:53] oh no!

[56:56] since

[56:56] stewart from the flop house doesn't seem to grasp the necessary copyright law

[57:00] clearance

[57:01] cast availability and or time traveling machines needed to recast the initial

[57:05] night court

[57:06] didn't seem like a valid excuse

[57:08] i accepted the one hundred and thirty dollar ticket

[57:11] oh shit! that's expensive! despite my being a student with no discernible

[57:15] income the cost was well worth the entertainment you guys provided during

[57:18] my trip

[57:18] keep up the good work

[57:20] i'm glad to hear that

[57:21] that's crazy, i'm sorry! we are very sorry and i'm sure dan will make it up to you

[57:27] with a check in your name for double the amount

[57:29] my only hope is that state trooper... i mean it will be a check that i've drawn, it's not a real check

[57:35] i mean i meant a check from the czech republic

[57:38] my only hope is that state trooper at some point will listen to that podcast

[57:42] hear the same thing and then

[57:43] when he pulls over be like

[57:45] wait a minute

[57:47] while tapping his chin and then send him a refund, because the money was given to the state trooper

[57:51] right? yes, that's how it works

[57:54] yeah, that's what they leave off of

[57:57] i'm very sorry i feel bad that we caused you to

[58:01] lose your money and reputation

[58:03] but think of the joy! but at least all he lost was money, it wasn't like he laughed so hard

[58:08] i wrenched the steering wheel and my leg went through the windshield

[58:12] or like his little ghost came out of him like in the roger rabbit movie

[58:17] what?

[58:18] you know when those little cartoon guys laugh themselves to death and the little ghost comes out

[58:23] he should just be happy he did not run over a gypsy

[58:26] who bestowed the dreaded thinner curse on him

[58:30] it would have probably splashed over onto us too

[58:32] not a lot of gypsies on the iowa nebraska border

[58:35] yeah, you've been working on your gypsy research?

[58:38] one of the places you're not going to find too many gypsies just wandering the roads

[58:41] i thought that was where gypsies lived, is wandering around

[58:45] yeah, not so much in the middle of the country

[58:47] so we're running along a little bit

[58:50] i mean, it's funny

[58:52] some of that may have been just because we were so worried about the

[58:55] audio quality of this podcast

[58:57] you'll edit that out, right?

[58:59] i don't know that i will

[59:01] but uh...

[59:02] so uh... we apologize that this is a lengthy podcast

[59:05] but uh... maybe we should give just a speed round of maybe some horror movie

[59:09] recommendations

[59:10] just some titles

[59:13] i thought we were done already

[59:16] uh...

[59:17] i desperately want to hear that night court thing again, i'm going to have to find what episode that was in

[59:21] i think i'll figure it out

[59:22] i've forgotten all that we've recommended in the past

[59:27] i forgot all that we've recommended in the past but i would like to say that uh...

[59:31] i feel like uh...

[59:32] frighteners is an underrated movie

[59:34] i agree, it's a very fun movie

[59:35] a peter jackson film that people have forgotten unjustly

[59:40] uh... a lot of laughs

[59:42] a lot of thrills

[59:43] just a lot of fun

[59:45] no spills

[59:46] a few chills

[59:49] and a couple guys named bill

[59:50] you know what?

[59:52] what horror movie are you going to recommend?

[59:54] oof, this is a tough one

[59:55] what old timey ass horror movie are you going to recommend?

[59:57] it won't necessarily be an old timey horror movie

[1:00:00] Anyway, I showed Island of Lost Souls a couple of weeks ago.

[1:00:03] It was a great movie.

[1:00:04] Island of Lost Souls, I screened recently with special guest John Hodgman discussing

[1:00:08] the movie with me afterwards.

[1:00:09] It went over very well with a modern audience, which I thought was great.

[1:00:12] And it was just released on the Criterion Collection,

[1:00:15] which is probably a pretty nice print of it.

[1:00:17] So I would say Netflix or buy Island of Lost Souls.

[1:00:22] It's a really crazy and short horror movie, but very fun.

[1:00:26] Stu, Stu Ratt.

[1:00:28] Um, normally at this point in the podcast,

[1:00:31] I recommend Invisible Maniac or Castle Freak.

[1:00:34] And this will be no exception.

[1:00:37] And I was thinking back to another movie that I've recommended multiple times.

[1:00:40] Head of the Family.

[1:00:41] Head of the Family.

[1:00:43] I'm starting to think you've only seen three movies.

[1:00:48] But I want to recommend, this isn't an actual genuine recommendation,

[1:00:51] but when I think of Head of the Family, I think of the time that I first saw it.

[1:00:56] And at the same weekend, I also watched Motel Hell, which was not great.

[1:01:02] Rory Calhoun.

[1:01:03] Yeah.

[1:01:04] But there's some OK bits.

[1:01:06] I did like the bit where the people were buried up their necks.

[1:01:10] One of them was John Ratzenberger from TV's Cheers.

[1:01:14] Yeah.

[1:01:15] So if you want to relive the experience Stuart had when he was in high school,

[1:01:20] where the first weekend he saw Head of the Family, he watched that.

[1:01:24] And I think the original Night of the Living Dead.

[1:01:27] No, no, no.

[1:01:28] Return of the Living Dead and Motel Hell in a back-to-back three show.

[1:01:33] That's what they call it.

[1:01:33] Three-peat.

[1:01:34] A three show.

[1:01:36] So you should do that.

[1:01:37] That's my recommendation.

[1:01:38] Watch those three movies.

[1:01:40] So you can relive the Stuart Wellington high school experience.

[1:01:42] Right.

[1:01:43] Is there anything else they need to do to be you in high school?

[1:01:46] Like a basement maybe?

[1:01:48] Yeah, I was in a basement.

[1:01:50] A lot of snacks.

[1:01:51] Maybe like a frantic masturbation.

[1:01:53] Mountain Dew.

[1:01:54] I was masturbating a lot during Head of the Family.

[1:01:58] Sure.

[1:01:59] Understandable.

[1:02:00] During Head of the Class, right?

[1:02:02] Oh yeah, of course.

[1:02:03] Yeah.

[1:02:03] You had a big Arvid fetish.

[1:02:05] I did.

[1:02:06] So let's say goodbye guys.

[1:02:10] And goodnight.

[1:02:11] It's been beautiful spending a little time with you.

[1:02:13] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:02:16] What?

[1:02:16] Are you poisoning us when this is over?

[1:02:18] What's going on?

[1:02:19] No, I mean, I'm just saying it's sad that we'll never see each other again.

[1:02:24] I don't know why.

[1:02:24] I mean, I'll see you tomorrow.

[1:02:25] No, trust me.

[1:02:27] Is that why you finally put on the fucking Speedos?

[1:02:30] No, I'm just, you know.

[1:02:31] The last thing you see before you die.

[1:02:33] Burned into your retinas.

[1:02:36] Stan's wiener.

[1:02:39] Covered by a little bow tie.

[1:02:42] I'm Elliot Kalen.

[1:02:43] Good night.

[1:02:44] Yeah, I'm Stuart.

[1:02:44] Bye.

[1:02:45] I'm going to be doing this podcast in the text.

[1:02:54] You know, yeah.

[1:02:56] Do you got it underneath?

[1:02:57] Are those fucking snap pants?

[1:02:59] I can take it down.

[1:03:01] Oh, man.

[1:03:05] The trick is, dude, before you put on the Tux Speedo,

[1:03:08] you get it into a partial and then you wrap a rubber band around your shirt.

[1:03:12] I was talking to my friend, Nigel, who had a friend who was a male stripper for a while.

[1:03:18] Yeah, but apparently when that thing was off your circulation eventually.

[1:03:21] Yeah, well, that apparently it hurt really bad to take the rubber band off at the end of the night.

[1:03:25] And I no amount of additional income could compensate me for ding dong pay.

The Flop House: Episode #89 - Season of the Witch

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