The Flop House: Episode #90 - Red Riding Hood

Dan McCoy

[0:00] To everything there is a season, and unfortunately Shocktober is coming to a close,

[0:05] but not before we take on the porn-for-teenage-goth-girls fantasy, Red Riding Hood.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:47] That sound is Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[0:51] Hey, that's me, Stuart Wellington. The person who was just talking was...

[0:55] Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] And this is Elliot Kalin, listening to both of them.

Stuart Wellington

[0:58] And what, wait, what do we have here?

[1:01] Stuart, directly to your left.

[1:02] There's a fourth person in the room, and he's going to talk tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06] Why don't you introduce yourself?

[1:08] Hi.

[1:09] That implies, Stuart, you implied like we have a fourth person here usually who doesn't talk.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13] Yeah, no, I mean, sometimes Dan's wife's in here looking at us scornfully,

[1:17] irritated that we're still in her apartment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] That's very true, that's very true.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21] Or Dan's cat is playing with the wires trying to fuck up our podcast by playing her air horn and reggaeton music.

[1:27] That was the cat the whole time?

[1:29] Yeah, that was right.

[1:30] I never realized that.

[1:32] Stuart, explore.

[1:32] Trying to impress the Flophouse house cat, no doubt.

[1:34] Yeah, I understand.

[1:35] And sailing.

Dan McCoy

[1:39] Why don't you explain to us who your mysterious guest is?

Stuart Wellington

[1:42] Okay, well, the guy sitting to my left is a friend of mine, Alex Smith.

[1:48] He's going to be the best man at my upcoming wedding.

Dan McCoy

[1:50] He's literally the best man you know.

[1:52] The best man you know.

[1:53] Top dog.

[1:54] Highest quality.

[1:55] There are two other men in this room right now, and he is better than both of them.

[2:00] Well, I mean.

[2:01] The best person, the best man.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03] Not as good at being a pervizoid as you, Dan.

[2:05] Okay, thank you.

[2:06] And not as racist as Elliot.

[2:08] No, I'm not the racist one.

[2:10] Dan's the racist one.

[2:11] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[2:13] No, you're the homophobe.

[2:14] No, that's Dan.

Dan McCoy

[2:15] Racist was the negative thing we tried to stick on you.

[2:17] And it didn't work because I love all peoples.

[2:20] And Stu's the party animal who's hilarious.

[2:22] Yeah, that's his cross to bear, is being a hilarious party animal.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] Whereas Dan is a.

Stuart Wellington

[2:28] He's lost me more friends than one.

Elliott Kalan

[2:29] Dan is a hook-handed homophobic pervizoid, number one.

Stuart Wellington

[2:34] So, Alex, you've been mentioned on the podcast before I plugged one of your records.

[2:39] You were one of the first web promoters of us.

[2:42] I think you put links to this podcast when we were just coming out.

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] Just coming up.

[2:49] Just knee high to a pod hopper.

[2:51] Let's wait.

Stuart Wellington

[2:52] Yeah.

[2:53] That's a common expression.

[2:54] Describe yourself.

[2:57] I don't know.

[2:58] You look like David Spade.

[3:00] Yeah.

[3:04] You're a musician.

Alex Smith

[3:06] Yep.

[3:07] You're a podcaster.

[3:08] I'm a podcaster.

[3:09] I have a little podcast that just started.

[3:12] We've only got, I think we'll have like five episodes out.

[3:14] It's called Spadecast.

[3:15] It's called Hollywood Minute.

[3:20] It's called Shovey Show.

[3:22] It's called Probably Not.

[3:25] It's an audio advice column.

[3:29] And people can write in, yeah?

[3:30] Yeah, yeah.

[3:31] People can write in.

[3:32] We'll answer their questions.

[3:33] But people haven't written in yet.

[3:35] No, tons of people.

[3:36] Okay.

[3:37] Tons of people.

[3:38] It's really successful.

[3:39] Okay.

[3:40] So by the time people listen to this.

[3:42] We must be pulling in high six figures off of that podcast already.

[3:44] Yeah.

[3:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] It's doing really well.

Stuart Wellington

[3:48] So congratulations.

[3:49] You don't even need to plug it in.

[3:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:51] I mean, now you're just rubbing it on my face.

[3:53] If anything, you want to tell people not to go to it because you're crashing servers globally.

[3:57] Yeah.

[3:57] With the listener levels.

Dan McCoy

[3:58] Mm-hmm.

[4:00] Listener levels.

[4:03] Is that alliteration talk?

[4:06] I just wanted to get in on the conversation.

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] So Dan, what would you like to talk about?

Stuart Wellington

[4:12] You want to break down what we do here?

Alex Smith

[4:14] Oh, we never actually said my name, by the way.

[4:16] Yeah, I said Alex.

[4:17] You said, okay, fine.

[4:18] Okay, Alex Smith.

[4:18] We'll leave it there.

[4:19] We'll leave it there.

[4:19] Alexander Smith.

[4:20] Yeah.

[4:21] Is that better?

[4:22] Alex Smith is fine.

[4:23] Okay, that's cool.

[4:24] Host of Probably Not.

Stuart Wellington

[4:25] Host of Probably Not and Frontman?

[4:28] You want to say Frontman?

Alex Smith

[4:28] Yeah, let's say Frontman of the band Lydia Burrell.

[4:32] Charismatic Frontman.

[4:33] Yeah, that's a good description of it.

Elliott Kalan

[4:35] Troubled Frontman.

[4:36] Yeah.

[4:38] Drug-addled Frontman.

[4:40] Yep.

[4:41] Comatose Frontman.

[4:42] Yeah.

[4:43] Of dearly departed Lydia Burrell.

[4:46] Dearly missed.

Stuart Wellington

[4:47] Where can people find your records?

Alex Smith

[4:49] Well, you can go to Removador.com.

[4:52] That sounds made up.

[4:53] Or you can go to iTunes or Amazon.com.

[4:57] Those also sound made up.

[4:58] Yep, those are both.

[5:00] Thank you, Joey.

[5:00] Wow, this is a rowdy bunch tonight.

[5:02] Why are we still rowdy all of a sudden?

[5:05] There's a reason why people don't do plugs right off the bat, right?

[5:07] Isn't there a reason for that?

Elliott Kalan

[5:09] Yeah, we don't take them seriously until Dan and Stuart and I are too tired to interrupt them.

[5:14] I think you're supposed to actually...

Stuart Wellington

[5:15] I forgot what the fuck we do in this thing, okay?

[5:16] I'm sorry.

Alex Smith

[5:17] We're supposed to entertain people first and then do sort of shallow plugs.

[5:20] Oh, we never entertain people.

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] I've been driving more than normal and I think that's a bad idea right now.

[5:25] Yeah.

[5:26] Have you been driving angry 3D?

[5:27] Well, tonight I have been.

Dan McCoy

[5:30] I don't know what that means.

[5:31] I really don't understand that.

[5:33] Self-explanatory.

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] Okay.

[5:35] It means it came from hell to stop a guy, just like Nicholas Cage.

Dan McCoy

[5:38] Were you trying to set up that we were all at Stuart's Bachelor Party?

[5:41] Is that what you were trying to...

[5:43] Nope.

[5:43] I was hinting at that and just trying to get this show on the road.

[5:46] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] Much like the road we were on at Stuart's Bachelor Party.

[5:49] Mm-hmm.

[5:50] Yeah.

[5:50] When we went to Dr. Glenn Burney.

[5:53] MD.

[5:53] Glenn Burney, Maryland.

Stuart Wellington

[5:55] So, at the Flophouse Podcast, we talk about Stuart's Bachelor Parties.

[6:01] This is a Bachelor Party cast.

[6:04] Not a lot of...

[6:05] I would imagine there'd be a lot of listeners for something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] I mean, you'd think we'd have some crazy stories.

[6:10] We don't really.

[6:11] No.

[6:12] The hooker casualty count was surprisingly low.

[6:14] Zero.

[6:14] Shockingly low.

[6:15] Zero.

Dan McCoy

[6:16] Elliot shot a gun the size of his head.

[6:19] Wasn't the size of my head.

[6:20] Yeah, you're trying to make people imagine it.

[6:21] I mean, at the very least, it wasn't the shape of my head.

[6:24] No.

[6:25] But that was the length of your head.

[6:27] It was the length of your head.

[6:29] I don't think so.

[6:29] I don't think that's accurate.

Stuart Wellington

[6:30] I mean, it was long.

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:33] But I didn't see it in profile or anything.

Elliott Kalan

[6:37] I shot a gun into a thing.

[6:39] Yep.

[6:40] What that thing was, let's not say.

[6:42] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[6:42] I saw Elliot drink multiple beers.

[6:44] I had multiple beers.

[6:46] Yeah, I do think that might be the first time I've seen Elliot drink more than one beer.

[6:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:50] Normally, we keep a tally and we actually had to make more than one mark.

[6:55] So.

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] The odometer goes up to one and then it turns over.

[6:59] So.

Stuart Wellington

[7:01] So.

[7:02] Normally, we watch a movie and then talk about it.

[7:06] What we watch tonight, guys.

[7:08] Not at Bachelor Parties, of course.

[7:10] At the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] I'm surprised we didn't watch a movie at the Bachelor Party.

Stuart Wellington

[7:13] I'm kind of surprised, too.

[7:16] Dan was comparing Gun Links to Headlines.

[7:18] I mean, Real Steel is in the theaters right now.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:21] We could have easily gone to see Real Steel.

[7:22] It's about boxing robots.

[7:24] Huge Ackman is in it.

[7:25] Mm-hmm.

[7:25] Wolverine, right?

[7:26] Wolverine.

[7:27] Yeah.

[7:27] Logan is in it.

[7:28] TV is Wolverine.

[7:29] Not TV is Wolverine.

[7:30] Those were feature films.

Dan McCoy

[7:31] I saw about three minutes of Star Trek III on the TV before I went to the hotel room to drink some beers.

[7:38] Yeah, that counts.

[7:39] Yeah.

[7:40] So we're going to talk about Star Trek III?

[7:42] No, we're going to talk about – that's the one with the Ewoks, right?

Stuart Wellington

[7:45] Little space bears.

[7:46] They're called little space bears.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] There's one of my favorite things about the merchandise in the book that Stephen Sandsweet wrote about Star Wars merchandising.

[7:59] He talks about how George Lucas thought the Ewok could be as big as the teddy bear if it was marketed right.

[8:03] He's like, yeah, we have them already.

[8:05] They're called teddy bears.

[8:06] There's no room for another tiny bear toy.

Stuart Wellington

[8:10] Yep.

[8:10] These teddy bears wearing a little bit of, like, clothing could be just as big as the teddy bears you find in your home.

Elliott Kalan

[8:17] People wanted teddy bears with cloth hoods who killed people.

Alex Smith

[8:20] The idea that someone in the future would be like, they used to call Ewoks teddy bears.

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] That's pretty weird.

[8:25] They were named after President Theodore Ewok.

Stuart Wellington

[8:29] I like this teddy bear, but I'd like it a lot more if it was playing a stormtrooper helmet like a drum.

Dan McCoy

[8:35] I'd like this teddy bear more if George Lucas got a nickel and I bought it.

[8:38] There was a person's head inside of that helmet, by the way.

[8:41] No, they scooped it out.

[8:42] They were – okay.

[8:44] That's what they were eating.

Stuart Wellington

[8:45] Oh, wow.

[8:46] I always assumed that.

[8:48] And I was always like –

[8:49] It added a little bit of fear.

[8:50] It always gave me a little bit of fear of the Ewoks.

[8:54] Like a healthy, like, oh, they're funny, but, you know, they're still wild animals.

[8:58] Yes.

[8:58] The way you should feel about, yeah, like wolves.

[9:00] Like a gorilla or something.

Alex Smith

[9:02] A gorilla, yeah.

[9:03] Anything that you've seen try to eat a human being.

Stuart Wellington

[9:07] But then be dissuaded because a metal homosexual robot –

Dan McCoy

[9:11] Let's hold it a story with sound effects.

[9:13] All right.

[9:14] Well, ten minutes into the podcast, let's –

Elliott Kalan

[9:17] Let's finally say what the movie was, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] We watched a movie called Red Riding Hood because this is part of our medieval Shocktober extravaganza.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] Season of the Witch last time, Red Riding Hood this time.

[9:29] What's it going to be next time?

[9:31] It's not going to be –

[9:32] Well, Shocktober will be over.

[9:32] Oh, so sad.

[9:33] Another Shocktober comes to a close.

Dan McCoy

[9:34] But we can still watch period pieces, right?

[9:36] It's not –

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] Yeah.

[9:37] Yeah, movies about girls becoming women.

Dan McCoy

[9:38] And we can also watch horror movies.

[9:40] So it really is –

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] Shocktober, the most unnecessary theme month there is.

[9:45] Yeah.

[9:46] So this is not Red Riding, the British miniseries about crime in North England.

Dan McCoy

[9:52] No, we did not spend nine hours watching all three parts of –

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] Listening to incomprehensible Northern England accents.

[9:58] So what's this about, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[10:00] It's about a werewolf.

[10:03] A what?

[10:04] A werewolf.

[10:05] I'm sorry.

[10:06] You okay?

[10:06] I had a speech impediment.

[10:08] Good thing you shook it off.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] Well, we got on with that pretty quick, right?

[10:13] Yeah.

[10:14] It must only come on him when he's nervous or –

[10:17] A werewolf.

Dan McCoy

[10:19] What?

[10:20] Or if he's a werewolf.

[10:20] Oh, okay.

[10:21] So this is a movie about a woman with big eyes who's in love with some boys and there's a wolf.

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] So it sounds like Twilight is what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[10:31] Well, funny you should say that, Elliot.

[10:33] It was directed by Catherine Hardwick who directed the first Twilight movie as well as the –

[10:38] You guys see that one?

[10:40] No.

[10:41] Oh, okay.

[10:42] As well as is the beginning of Ascendant Story.

[10:45] I thought it was the end.

[10:47] She directed the first Twilight movie as well as.

[10:49] Period.

[10:52] As well as the teensploitation film 13.

[10:56] Not really teensploitation.

[10:57] I thought it was just supposed to be a low-budget slice of life.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] Slice of life.

[11:00] Emney.

[11:00] Slice of drive.

[11:01] It was a slice of Dreyfus.

[11:03] One of Richard Dreyfus's small movies.

[11:05] Yeah.

[11:05] Like Krippendorf's tribe.

Stuart Wellington

[11:08] It's when he can't handle a whole Dreyfus.

Elliott Kalan

[11:11] Richard, what are you working on now?

[11:12] Like I'm moving over Paranormal.

[11:13] Oh, just another slice of Dreyfus.

Alex Smith

[11:16] It's like a Friday night AMC feature.

[11:20] Slice of Dreyfus.

Elliott Kalan

[11:23] Richard Dreyfus shares his thoughts on life, love, and careers.

[11:27] And be in Dreyfus.

[11:28] Well, be in Dreyfus.

[11:30] That should be his memoir, Be in Dreyfus.

[11:32] I don't know about Dreyfus with Dreyfus.

[11:33] My life is Dreyfus.

Dan McCoy

[11:38] 13 was sold as a slice of life, but it was really an overcooked, overheated sort of cautionary tale.

[11:46] You're talking about that 13 Ghosts, right?

[11:48] Yeah.

[11:49] So I'm at 13 erotic ghosts.

[11:51] The porn parody of 13 Ghosts.

[11:54] No, I'm talking about 13 Ghosts, the movie that introduced us to, what, Evan Rachel Wood?

[12:00] Was she in that?

[12:02] What?

[12:03] That other one, too.

[12:04] What?

[12:05] We got the, what's going on over here, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[12:09] I'm so used to it.

[12:10] Did you lose your copy of Video Hound's Psychotronic Guide to film or something?

[12:15] Do you remember losing to movies?

Dan McCoy

[12:17] Look, I feel like we owe the audience an apology.

[12:20] We're sitting in different chairs right now.

[12:22] Chairs.

[12:24] Because they care about that.

[12:26] You've probably heard it.

[12:27] It sounds different.

[12:28] That's because I'm to Dan's right instead of his left.

[12:30] It's all the chairs fault.

[12:30] Sitting in different chairs.

[12:31] Sure, Dan.

[12:31] Blame the chairs.

[12:32] Elliot's usually summarizing the movie right now.

[12:35] Everything's fucked up.

[12:36] Okay.

[12:36] Well, I'll explain what happens in the movie.

[12:37] Please do.

[12:38] Let's get us back on track.

[12:39] Okay, we're in-

[12:39] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] I really blame Alex for this one.

[12:42] It's my fault.

[12:43] It really is.

[12:45] So we're in a medieval-type village, sometime in medieval times.

[12:49] And this is a village where Amanda Seyfried grew up and lives.

[12:53] She, of course, you may remember from other things.

[12:55] And she's the girl who looks like the main character from Sucker Punch, but she's not the same person.

Dan McCoy

[13:04] You know, you remember her from, she was in Mean Girls as the dumb one.

[13:08] She was in Big Love as the daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[13:10] She was in the girl who gets killed in Veronica Mars.

[13:12] Is she in the, what's the one about the, what's the one with Megan Fox where she eats people?

[13:19] Yeah, Jennifer's Body.

[13:20] Jennifer's Body.

[13:21] Does she eat people in that?

Dan McCoy

[13:22] No, but she kisses Megan Fox and then she's in Chloe where she kisses Julianne Moore.

[13:26] You mean, I mean, a sheeple.

[13:27] Kissing, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] So this is a kissy actress.

[13:30] So anyway.

[13:31] Big eyes.

[13:32] We first meet, there's a little girl and a little boy.

[13:34] Big lips.

[13:35] Alex is nodding.

[13:35] She's got big lips and big eyes.

Stuart Wellington

[13:37] Yeah, like somebody punched her in both those things and they're swollen.

[13:40] That's not really how eyes work.

[13:42] Really?

[13:43] They swell shut.

[13:44] They don't, the pupils don't get bigger.

[13:47] They don't make it easier to see things.

[13:48] No, they make it much harder.

Elliott Kalan

[13:50] Or else eye doctors would just be punching people in the face all the time.

[13:52] I gotta change my plans.

[13:54] Your health plan?

[13:56] Yeah, my health plan.

[13:57] It only covers punches.

Stuart Wellington

[13:58] I ain't going to see a different GP.

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] So anyway, it's a medieval type village.

[14:05] Amanda Seyfried has lived there all her life.

[14:07] And for as long as she's lived, it's been plagued by a vervulf, as Dan said that one time.

Stuart Wellington

[14:12] And I think it's told to us like an opening monologue.

Elliott Kalan

[14:15] Stuart predicted that she would say the line, my mother always told me, in voiceover, and she did.

Stuart Wellington

[14:21] And that got me a bunch of high fives from everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[14:24] Yeah, his hand was ripped raw from high fives.

[14:29] It's worn to the bone with celebratory high fives.

[14:34] She's growing up in this town.

[14:36] It's plagued by a werewolf.

[14:37] Every full moon, on the night of the full moons, they put out...

[14:41] I call that a blood moon, Alex.

[14:42] No, no, no.

[14:43] That's different than a regular full moon.

[14:44] That's different?

Alex Smith

[14:45] Yeah, the blood moon's only every once in a while.

[14:47] Yeah.

[14:48] Every full moon...

[14:49] You're talking about moon blood good?

Stuart Wellington

[14:50] What is that?

[14:51] Terminator Salvation star moon blood good.

[14:54] Everyone's favorite actress, moon blood good.

[14:56] They put words in a hat and they pulled out three of them.

Dan McCoy

[14:59] And they made a name.

[15:00] Everyone's favorite actress with a made-up name, moon blood good.

[15:03] That's who we're talking about, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[15:04] Moon blood good.

[15:04] Sounds like a character from a fantasy novel written by a 12-year-old.

[15:07] Surely moon blood gold's raven blade.

[15:13] Blood gold?

[15:15] Moon blood gold?

Alex Smith

[15:17] That's another Bond villain.

Elliott Kalan

[15:20] Cleaved the shadow thief in two.

[15:23] Anyway.

[15:23] Keep going.

[15:25] So the town is plagued by a werewolf.

[15:26] Always has been, always will be, or will it?

[15:29] It turns...

[15:30] One night, the werewolf kills Amanda Seyfried's sister in the haystack area.

Stuart Wellington

[15:34] She seems fairly distraught about that.

Elliott Kalan

[15:36] She is somewhat stiff and wooden about it.

Stuart Wellington

[15:38] She wanders over to the dead body to inspect it.

[15:42] Now, she is in love...

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] Yep, dead all right.

[15:44] There are two, because just like every movie ever since Twilight, there are two handsome

[15:49] young men for her to choose between.

[15:51] One is her fiancé, or a fiancé.

[15:53] A blacksmith.

[15:54] A rich blacksmith who her sister, it turns out, had a crush on.

[15:59] Well, why wouldn't she?

Dan McCoy

[16:00] She's got financial stability with him.

Elliott Kalan

[16:02] Yes.

[16:02] She doesn't love the fiancé, though.

[16:04] She loves Peter, the wild woods boy, who chops down wood and has kind of a wolfish hairdo.

[16:13] She also has a dad who's a drunk and a mom who's Virginia Madsen.

Stuart Wellington

[16:17] Her dad, played by the evil cult leader from earlier mentioned Drive Angry 3D.

Elliott Kalan

[16:22] Yep, in that one, he had a southern accent.

[16:24] Here, he has a made-up B type.

[16:26] Kind of a southern accent.

[16:27] Kind of a southern accent with a little bit of English in it.

Dan McCoy

[16:29] And this is how you know, by the way, that the female characters in these movies or TV

[16:33] shows or books are awesome, is that they have two guys interested in them.

[16:39] That's how you know that they're a woman of worth.

[16:41] A woman worth having, because there are two gentlemen.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] Well, I mean, she's objectively the most beautiful girl in the village.

[16:47] No, I know.

[16:48] She's the blondest.

[16:49] I'm kind of surprised there are only two guys who are after her.

Stuart Wellington

[16:51] I mean, there's probably like that.

[16:52] I mean, it seems like there's only two young boys.

[16:54] The guy who gets cooked in the belly of a metal elephant probably liked her.

[16:56] Well, yeah, and he was mentally challenged.

Dan McCoy

[16:57] But she also has no distinguishing personality.

Elliott Kalan

[16:59] Our audience, I just heard you say, cooked in the belly of a metal elephant.

[17:03] We haven't even gotten to that yet.

[17:04] So let's fast forward a little, shall we?

Dan McCoy

[17:06] Black-eyed peas show up with a metal elephant.

Elliott Kalan

[17:09] There's a werewolf.

[17:10] Gary Coldman, you might remember in various movies.

[17:13] So there's a werewolf.

[17:13] Romeo is planning.

[17:15] The werewolf kills her sister.

[17:17] And so Lucas Haas, the local young priest, calls for Gary Oldman, the witch-slaying werewolf fighter,

[17:23] with his international band of knights and their metal elephant that they burn people in,

[17:28] to come and save the village from the warwolf.

[17:31] Also, Julie Christie plays Amanda Seyfried's grandmother, who's probably a witch, and makes her a red cloak.

[17:37] Be dreaded.

Stuart Wellington

[17:39] She's a grandmother.

[17:40] Because she's got dreadlocks.

[17:41] I mean, they're really more braids than anything else.

[17:43] They're probably dreadlocks.

[17:45] But no, continue.

[17:46] I didn't mean to interrupt.

Elliott Kalan

[17:47] Well.

[17:47] I'm sorry, man.

[17:49] The werewolf, they, the townspeople kill a wolf, and assuming it's the werewolf, hold a nocturnal bacchanalia.

Stuart Wellington

[17:56] Who's that guy from that movie, the, or the show?

[17:59] The guy who kills a wolf.

Alex Smith

[18:00] Right, from Battlestar Galactica.

[18:01] Yeah.

[18:02] Colonel Ty.

Elliott Kalan

[18:04] Colonel Ty Pennington from Battlestar Galactica.

[18:05] So he is sure he killed a werewolf.

[18:07] He's sure he killed, and he's, and he cuts off a wolf.

[18:08] And they carry a wolf's hand on a stick for about 40 hours.

[18:13] Just shaking it in people's faces.

Dan McCoy

[18:15] People wear around pig masks and play the hurdy hurdy.

Stuart Wellington

[18:18] I mean, I don't know about you guys, but a party's not a party until you shake a wolf's head.

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] So they hold, Gary Coleman comes into town, and he says, you didn't kill the werewolf.

[18:29] He acts out in, he overacts extremely the story of how he, earlier in his wolf fighting career, thought he had killed a werewolf.

[18:37] But when he came home, he found out that he had actually hurt his wife, who was the werewolf.

[18:42] And he killed his wife because she was a werewolf.

[18:44] And he carries her hand around as proof, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[18:47] He's really proud of the fact that he killed his wife.

Elliott Kalan

[18:50] He makes it at least five times.

[18:52] He constantly talks about how he killed his wife, from the point where it goes from him being, it being his tragic backstory to it being something that he's pretty proud of.

[18:59] And he wants everyone to tell him how cool he is for it.

[19:02] He also has silver fingernails to kill wolves with, much like Cyber, the Wolverine villain.

Dan McCoy

[19:08] But only like three of them, right?

[19:09] Yeah.

[19:10] And they're not very long.

[19:12] They're like slightly longer than normal fingernails.

Alex Smith

[19:13] It looks like he just...

[19:14] Well, like the middle one isn't silver, so it's like the longest one.

[19:17] Yeah, that one's for cocaine.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Yep.

[19:20] And he also has a silver sword, and the best moment...

[19:22] And a silver server.

[19:23] The best moment in the entire movie, the best one, and Gary Oldman's shining moment, is when Lucas Haas says,

[19:30] Oh, one of only three silver swords, blessed by the Holy Father.

[19:34] May I touch it?

[19:35] And he goes,

[19:36] No.

[19:41] As he's turning away from it.

[19:44] Yeah.

[19:44] This is something he is not even going to have to think about for a moment.

[19:49] So Gary Oldman...

Alex Smith

[19:50] No, it has to sit there.

[19:53] It's important that it sit on this windowsill and not be touched at all.

[19:56] Like a pie about to be stolen by a hobo.

[20:00] And he's walking away from the sword as he's saying that.

[20:03] That he cares.

[20:04] Yeah, it's not like he's about to sheath it or anything.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] He's just leaving it behind.

Stuart Wellington

[20:08] So Gary Oldman...

[20:09] I mean, this town does have hobo problems, right?

[20:12] I have to assume so.

[20:13] I mean, the father is basically a hobo, right?

[20:15] I mean, everybody in the town...

[20:16] Well, it's a town of hobos.

[20:17] Basically hobos.

[20:18] The father passes out drunk and gets humped in the butt by another guy.

Elliott Kalan

[20:22] So they have...

[20:23] So he says, you didn't kill the werewolf.

[20:25] And the town mayor is like, we totally did.

[20:27] We're going to throw a big party.

[20:28] They throw a huge party.

[20:30] And M. Anderson Freed's dad passes out and the guy pretends to hump him in the butt.

[20:32] I think they've got to have a DJ or something.

[20:34] They have a band there that has three trumpets, a hurdy-gurdy, and a lute.

Alex Smith

[20:38] I think they were like contrabassoons, actually.

[20:41] Oh, okay.

[20:41] They were these huge horn things.

[20:42] They were like Ricola horns.

[20:43] They're like Alpenhorns.

[20:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:45] And somebody, you were saying somebody was singing through a megaphone.

[20:49] Through a megaphone.

[20:49] Yeah.

[20:50] You got some modern music playing.

Alex Smith

[20:51] Karen O. sings through a megaphone.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] And during the carnival, Amanda Seyfried is made jealous when she sees Peter dancing with

[20:59] another woman.

[21:00] That's not her fiancé, right?

[21:01] No.

[21:01] Peter is the woodsman.

[21:02] He's the wolf face.

[21:04] He's the wolf face.

[21:05] He's wolf face wood boy.

[21:06] And so they go off to a place with soft hay, as it's described later.

[21:10] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[21:11] I personally got to say that Amanda Seyfried...

[21:13] Someone go to a barn.

[21:15] Amanda Seyfried tries to make her boyfriend jealous by grabbing someone out of the crowd

[21:21] to dance with.

[21:22] But she grabs one of her lady friends to dance with.

[21:25] So there's this weird crypto lesbian, I guess.

[21:28] Like, oh, look at me.

[21:29] I'm dancing with someone else to make you jealous.

[21:32] But it doesn't really work as well.

[21:33] Hold on there, guy.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] Come on.

[21:35] Come on, P-WO.

[21:36] P-WO.

[21:37] We all saw.

[21:37] P-WO.

Stuart Wellington

[21:38] No, it's true.

[21:39] We were all totally turned on.

Elliott Kalan

[21:40] Except they're dancing a kind of medieval folk dance.

Stuart Wellington

[21:43] Yeah, but she's making total saucy eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[21:45] Except the girl.

[21:46] That's right.

Alex Smith

[21:46] Her eyes are full of sauce.

[21:47] Was she going to grab the crazy kid from the...

[21:51] I mean, there's no other, like...

[21:52] The only...

[21:53] That's true.

[21:53] There were only two handsome young men.

[21:55] There's only...

[21:56] Yeah.

[21:57] If there were three men in that town, it would destroy the whole construct of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:01] And they had to make sure they snuck a couple characters out so that later on when the wolf shows up,

[22:06] you'd be like,

[22:07] it was one of those characters we didn't see dancing.

Elliott Kalan

[22:09] Well, that's...

[22:09] So Peter and Amanda Seyfried are about to bed down on the hay,

[22:13] but they're interrupted at the last minute,

[22:15] and the blacksmith fiancé sees them.

[22:17] Then, the werewolf attacks.

[22:19] Sure enough, they didn't...

[22:20] They just killed a normal wolf.

[22:22] The werewolf attacks, kills a bunch of people,

[22:24] and says...

[22:26] It corners...

[22:27] Sign our, buddy.

[22:28] It corners Amanda Seyfried.

[22:30] That's what it says?

[22:31] Yep.

[22:32] It corners Amanda Seyfried and talks to her with its brain.

[22:35] It's just a mental talking that no one else can hear, saying,

[22:38] I'm going to take you away from here.

[22:39] And she notices the wolf has brown eyes,

[22:41] which is a clue, except everyone in the movie has brown eyes.

[22:45] So every time she sees some of the brown eyes, she's like,

[22:47] but it's everyone.

[22:49] What do you think of the creature effects on that wolf?

Stuart Wellington

[22:51] Actually, I thought they weren't that bad.

[22:52] No, I mean, it helped that they shot, like, every wolf shot at night,

[22:56] because that was part of their mythos.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] Well, that's...

[22:58] But one of the things is that,

[22:59] in a lot of these CGI movies,

[23:01] things are too well-lit,

[23:02] so they look, like, too fakey,

[23:04] but this was pretty good,

[23:05] that it was always in shadow for the most part.

[23:07] Oh, also, it's a blood moon.

Stuart Wellington

[23:08] Like if all the guys from Halo would show up

[23:10] and start shooting it or something.

[23:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:12] This is also, during the time of the decade,

[23:15] known as a blood moon.

[23:16] And during a blood moon,

[23:17] if a werewolf bites you,

[23:18] you become a werewolf.

[23:20] Normally, you just die.

[23:22] So the werewolf disappears into the night.

[23:24] So it's slightly better.

[23:26] Yeah.

[23:27] Than regularly.

[23:28] Actually, well, they say worse, but...

[23:29] And Gary Oldman and his men start a kind of...

Stuart Wellington

[23:32] But I think it's better.

Alex Smith

[23:33] I mean, I'd rather be a werewolf than just die, right?

[23:36] Except your soul is in trouble.

[23:37] Ultimately, that's kind of the point of the movie,

[23:39] is that it's better to be a werewolf.

[23:40] Yeah.

[23:41] Come on.

[23:41] Spoilers.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] You gotta be you and me,

[23:43] is what it comes down to.

[23:43] Sorry, buddy.

[23:43] Be yourself.

[23:45] Be proud of who you are,

[23:46] even if you're a werewolf.

[23:47] I wasn't paying attention to the end of the movie,

[23:47] is what I'm saying.

Dan McCoy

[23:49] I was hoping to revisit it later.

Elliott Kalan

[23:52] So Gary Oldman establishes a police state in the village.

[23:55] They burn a retarded boy in a giant metal elephant

[23:58] as torture to make him tell where a witch is.

[24:01] And then everyone just kind of runs around,

[24:03] and Amanda Seyfried sees different wolves.

[24:04] He tells them where the witch is,

Alex Smith

[24:05] and then they throw them in there,

[24:07] and you never see them again.

[24:08] I assume he died.

[24:09] Presumably he's just ash in the bottom of that metal elephant.

Elliott Kalan

[24:11] One of his international nights,

[24:13] like the one that Stuart dubbed Karate Joe.

Stuart Wellington

[24:17] He's the guy from the Black Eyed Peas.

[24:19] He's not.

[24:19] From the Black Eyed Peas.

Elliott Kalan

[24:21] I assume he just opens up the elephant

[24:23] and rakes the ashes out every couple of days.

Dan McCoy

[24:25] Yeah, but the mentally challenged kid,

[24:29] his sister comes in and gives up Amanda Seyfried.

[24:33] Says, oh, she's a witch to save his life.

[24:35] She can talk to wolves, yeah.

[24:36] They imprison Amanda Seyfried.

[24:38] How'd that work for a mentally challenged?

[24:40] I think for free the point where people could be described

Elliott Kalan

[24:43] as mentally challenged.

[24:44] Yeah, this is why they were calling them.

[24:45] They were saying he was touched by the hand of God.

[24:49] He didn't go to college.

[24:51] Rock-headed or something.

[24:53] His job is to sit on a fence and eat mud.

[24:56] All right, the village idiot kid.

[24:58] He's the village idiot.

[24:59] Should be wearing a canvas sack and a sock on his head.

[25:02] So Amanda Seyfried is thrown in jail

[25:05] and they decide they're going to sacrifice her to the wolf.

[25:07] They put a metal wolf mask on her.

[25:10] It's a pig mask.

[25:11] A pig mask.

[25:11] Metal pig mask.

Stuart Wellington

[25:12] Which, I mean, if you're going to try and embarrass somebody,

[25:15] you should leave their face exposed

[25:16] so people could spit on her.

[25:17] Look, it's a tiny village.

Elliott Kalan

[25:18] Everyone knows who she is.

[25:20] They sit her down on an altar of some kind.

Stuart Wellington

[25:22] I mean, if somebody's going to be paraded in front of me

[25:24] and I'm going to heckle them and shout at them,

[25:26] I want to see them crying.

Alex Smith

[25:28] So you always imagine yourself as one of the villagers

[25:31] whenever this situation happens.

Stuart Wellington

[25:33] You have no empathy for the person who's unjustly accused.

[25:36] Like I've been practicing, first instinct, look for dung.

[25:39] Look for dung.

[25:40] Because you're going to throw it.

[25:42] You don't want to be the second one to throw dung.

[25:43] You want to be the trendsetter.

[25:44] The thing is, you know, dung in my hands, gross.

[25:47] Dung on their face, gross for them.

[25:48] That's all I'm saying.

[25:49] It's worse to have dung in your face.

[25:50] Okay.

[25:51] Wait.

[25:51] Gross and gross for them.

[25:54] I'd be willing to put up a little gross on my hands

[25:56] for gross on their face.

Dan McCoy

[26:00] Yep.

[26:02] I'm filling up empty air by saying yep.

[26:05] While Elliot...

[26:06] I was blowing my nose.

[26:08] I apologize.

[26:09] I'll let snot run down my face.

[26:10] Fill in for a moment.

[26:11] It's for the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] My clever ad lib of yep.

[26:15] You really had a lot to offer there.

[26:16] Anywho, they leave Amanda Seyfried to be eaten by the wolf,

[26:20] but the blacksmith and the woods boy team up

[26:23] with a cunning plan to save her,

[26:25] which involves her dad getting drunk

[26:27] and pushing a wheelbarrow five feet

[26:29] and then being arrested.

[26:31] But what happens is they light fires around the altar.

[26:34] In the commotion,

[26:35] the blacksmith undoes the locks on her hands

[26:37] and takes her away,

[26:38] but not far enough,

[26:40] and there's a lot more running around.

[26:42] I kind of don't remember exactly what happened after that.

[26:44] Lucas Haas gets stabbed.

[26:45] Oh, and Lucas Haas gets stabbed

[26:46] trying to stop the knights from shooting the blacksmith.

Stuart Wellington

[26:51] But not by the sword he still wanted to touch.

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] No, he's stabbed by Gary Oldman's dagger.

Alex Smith

[26:55] He's not even worthy enough to be stabbed

[26:58] by the sword he wanted to fondle momentarily.

Elliott Kalan

[27:01] The werewolf reappears.

[27:03] He bites off Gary Oldman's arm

[27:04] and says to Amanda Seyfried,

[27:07] come with me or I'll destroy the village.

[27:09] All the villagers stand up and join forces with her

[27:13] and say, no, you'll have to go through me

[27:14] and me and me.

[27:16] It's like the subway scene in Spider-Man 2.

[27:18] Yep.

[27:19] Except all medieval and there's no Dr. Octopus.

Stuart Wellington

[27:22] I mean, the werewolf's a lot like Dr. Octopus.

Elliott Kalan

[27:24] Okay, well, there's no Spider-Man.

[27:25] You can't say Amanda Seyfried's like Spider-Man.

[27:27] Okay, you're right.

[27:28] She does wear red.

[27:29] She does wear red, though, like Spider-Man.

[27:31] So I guess she's like Spider-Man.

[27:32] So it's basically Spider-Man 2.

[27:38] They kill Gary Oldman because he was bitten by a wolf

[27:40] and his hand got bitten off.

[27:43] The hand with the silver nails.

[27:45] Ooh.

[27:46] I wonder what's going to happen with that.

[27:48] Well, I'll tell you what's going to happen with that.

[27:51] Amanda Seyfried.

[27:52] They bury it.

[27:53] They bury it and say prayers over it.

[27:56] It gets transplanted with the killer.

[27:59] I'm going to kind of skip to the end here.

[28:01] Many of the candidates for wolf have been killed.

[28:06] So Amanda Seyfried thinks it's her boyfriend Peter, the woods boy.

[28:11] Or her grandma.

[28:12] Or her grandma.

[28:13] She stabs him and then goes to the grandma's house.

[28:15] And it turns out grandma's dead already.

[28:19] Who killed her?

Dan McCoy

[28:19] And apparently made into a stew.

[28:21] Well, it's implied she was made into a stew.

[28:23] It's implied that she's been made into a stew.

Alex Smith

[28:25] And Amanda Seyfried eats a little bit.

[28:25] Wait, yeah.

[28:25] Is that actually what it was?

[28:27] I was kind of interpreting.

[28:28] Like, there's just a gross stew there.

[28:30] But he doesn't ever say, like, grandma died and I made a bad stew.

Stuart Wellington

[28:33] It looked like some kind of Indian spinach dish.

[28:36] Yeah.

[28:36] Saad Paneer or something.

[28:37] Yeah.

[28:38] It did.

Elliott Kalan

[28:38] That would be known in those parts.

[28:40] Sure.

[28:40] Perhaps a traveling...

[28:41] It was brought by the fucking...

[28:43] Black guy keys.

[28:44] A traveling fakir came through the village and showed them some levitation tricks.

[28:49] And taught them how to make that.

[28:52] It turns out her father was the werewolf.

[28:54] Ooh.

[28:55] That's how she can listen to werewolf talk.

Stuart Wellington

[28:58] With the bad guy from...

[28:59] From Drive Angry.

Elliott Kalan

[29:00] From Drive Angry is also the bad guy in this.

[29:02] Okay.

[29:03] And he killed her sister because it turns out her sister was not his child.

[29:07] But her mother had had an affair.

[29:09] Anyway, it's not necessary to know that anymore.

[29:11] It's a subplot that doesn't really go anywhere.

[29:12] Okay.

[29:14] They have some...

[29:15] They talk a little.

[29:16] He's trying to convince her to come with him and be a wolf.

[29:19] Peter shows up.

[29:20] Because of the blood moon.

[29:22] Because of the blood moon.

[29:23] Peter shows up, apparently fine, after having been stabbed in the belly.

[29:27] And he throws an axe.

[29:28] By her.

[29:29] Yeah.

[29:29] By her.

[29:30] He's okay with it.

[29:32] He throws an axe at the back of the dad.

[29:34] And then Amanda Seyfried stabs him with Gary Oldman's nails.

[29:38] Yeah.

[29:38] A severed hand.

[29:39] Yeah.

[29:40] The silver thus killing him.

Alex Smith

[29:41] Which she had in her little red riding hood basket.

[29:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:46] Because it was a reference to the story.

[29:49] That's what she was thinking.

[29:50] It's one of two references.

Alex Smith

[29:51] Or one of three references, I think, to the actual story.

[29:53] Because she has the actual red riding hood.

[29:56] She has the basket.

[29:57] Which is referred to as I'm wearing.

[29:58] Yeah.

[29:59] Stuart is actually wearing a red riding hood.

Elliott Kalan

[30:01] And it's referred to as what?

[30:01] Her harlot's cloak?

Dan McCoy

[30:02] There's a fact that the wolf is killed by a woodsman.

[30:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:07] Well, not what's killed by her.

Dan McCoy

[30:10] Well, yeah, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] But he comes in and throws an axe at the wolf.

[30:13] I mean, that guy is a pretty...

[30:15] I mean, I'd call him a woodsman.

Elliott Kalan

[30:16] He's pretty handsome.

[30:17] I'll say...

[30:18] He gets a lot of babes.

[30:18] No, it's just the killing part that I was up with.

[30:20] Not the woodsman part.

[30:21] Oh, I thought...

[30:21] Well, one, I have...

[30:22] There's another similarity, too, that I didn't...

[30:24] I had not realized when we were watching it.

[30:25] But first, there is the line,

[30:27] she wears this red cloak, and someone goes,

[30:29] that's the devil's color!

[30:30] Which is like a line that Kenneth would have on 30 Rock.

[30:34] There's an episode where he goes,

[30:35] warm, it was hot, but that's the devil's temperature.

[30:40] But, uh...

Alex Smith

[30:41] Well, but there's one more, like,

[30:43] the most overt reference is the dream sequence.

[30:46] Where she's in bed with her grandma.

[30:48] Like you often are in your dreams.

[30:50] The good ones.

[30:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:52] And she says the...

[30:53] What big eyes you have, what big ears you have,

[30:55] that whole deal that we all know.

Stuart Wellington

[30:56] The better to eat you with, idiot.

Elliott Kalan

[30:59] That's...

[30:59] Is that Freddy?

[31:01] Yeah.

[31:01] The better to eat with you with, bitch.

[31:05] Are you pretending to be the next Freddy?

[31:07] Freddy, you just stole that from Brothers Grimm.

[31:09] That's not...

[31:10] That's not your pun.

[31:11] Whatever.

[31:13] How many of these do you think I can come up with?

[31:16] So, they kill the dad,

[31:19] and they say,

[31:19] no one can know about this.

[31:21] She'll be in trouble for being a wolf's daughter.

[31:23] So they cut him open,

[31:25] and fill him with stones,

[31:26] and throw him in a river.

[31:27] And...

[31:28] But that's...

[31:28] Like you do.

[31:29] The most fucked up thing in the whole movie.

[31:31] But that's also...

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] But that's also...

[31:32] I realized...

[31:32] I didn't realize at the time,

[31:33] straight from the fairy tale.

[31:34] Because in the original one...

[31:36] Is it?

[31:37] They kill...

[31:37] He eats the grandmother,

[31:39] and eats Little Rudd Riding Hood.

[31:40] The woodsman hears them screaming,

[31:42] and comes in,

[31:43] cuts open the wolf,

[31:44] and saves the two women,

[31:45] and fills the wolf's belly with stones,

[31:48] to like,

[31:48] make him feel full.

[31:49] Oh, wow.

[31:50] And the wolf staggers out.

[31:51] That's one of the versions of it.

[31:52] But I forgot about that till now.

[31:54] Oh, that makes more sense then.

[31:56] And then...

[31:57] That's the end of the...

[31:58] And then Peter...

[31:59] He was bitten during the fight,

[32:00] so he's gonna turn into a wolf now.

[32:02] So he goes off into the distance,

[32:04] and she says,

[32:04] I'll wait for you.

[32:06] Yeah, because that's the thing.

[32:07] Like, we discover...

Dan McCoy

[32:08] We discover about the father...

Alex Smith

[32:11] With Jason Bateman.

Dan McCoy

[32:13] Wolf college!

[32:14] When we discover that the father...

[32:16] Howl you!

[32:17] No, just bite you.

[32:18] That's what it would be.

[32:20] When we discover the father is the wolf,

[32:21] we also discover that the wolf

[32:24] totally retains all of his human emotions,

[32:28] and reasons.

[32:29] The wolf.

[32:29] The threatening abilities.

[32:30] While wolf, yeah.

[32:31] Like, he only killed the daughter

[32:33] once he realized that

[32:34] it wasn't his actual daughter,

[32:36] and there was like,

[32:37] a logic behind

[32:38] much of what happens in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[32:40] Makes you wonder

[32:40] why he kills anyone at all.

[32:42] Yeah.

[32:42] Why he doesn't use his wolf powers

[32:44] to help the village hunt for food.

[32:45] Right.

[32:45] And be a hero.

[32:47] To make the village a better place to be.

[32:49] Exactly.

[32:49] Yeah.

[32:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:50] It's not so bad

[32:51] that she has a wolf boyfriend now.

[32:53] He just has to go off for a while,

[32:55] learn to control his wolfdom.

[32:56] It's just like in...

[32:57] Comes back and now.

[32:57] Basically like in Teen Wolf,

Elliott Kalan

[32:59] where it says,

[32:59] you'll learn how to control the wolf.

[33:01] Yeah.

[33:01] Or use the wolf or something.

Dan McCoy

[33:02] I bet they have great sex.

[33:04] Am I right, Elliot?

[33:06] Huh?

[33:06] I mean...

[33:07] He's like a beast in the bed, huh?

[33:08] All right.

[33:08] I'm thinking about that, right?

[33:10] You've had sex with a wolf, right?

[33:12] Yes, I had sex with a wolf once.

Elliott Kalan

[33:14] It was not good.

[33:15] Okay, I don't want to talk about it.

[33:16] It's disappointing.

Dan McCoy

[33:17] You always think it's going to be good.

[33:18] You didn't howl when it's cool.

[33:20] You didn't hear about it, dude?

[33:21] You always think it's going to be good.

[33:22] Didn't you hear someone?

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] Yeah, I had to fake it the whole time.

[33:24] It was just not cool.

[33:26] But...

[33:26] And then at the end,

[33:27] he comes back.

[33:28] It was not cool.

[33:31] I had sex with a wolf

[33:32] and it was not cool.

[33:34] At the very end,

[33:35] Peter comes back in wolf form

[33:37] and I guess it's open for a sequel

[33:38] where they have wolf babies.

[33:40] Sure.

[33:41] Yeah.

Alex Smith

[33:42] A sequel with no action in it whatsoever.

Stuart Wellington

[33:44] No, just them raising baby wolves.

[33:46] Well, it's tied into the sequel

[33:47] of Little Red Riding Hood,

[33:48] Little Red Wolf Babies.

Elliott Kalan

[33:51] Little Red Wolf Babies.

[33:53] Why are they red?

[33:54] It's not a movie.

[33:55] It's a calendar.

[34:00] So, yeah, that's the plot of Red Riding Hood.

[34:05] What do you think about the movie, fellas?

[34:06] So, how do you feel about the...

Stuart Wellington

[34:08] the shoehorning of the fairy tale

[34:10] into a weird movie format, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[34:14] I mean, well, clearly this was an attempt

[34:16] for Catherine Hardwick to say,

[34:19] F you guys for firing me off Twilight.

[34:21] I'm going to create my own fantasy series

[34:23] about a girl and two dudes and...

[34:25] There's a werewolf in there.

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] Yeah.

[34:27] I mean, I've seen a lot of fantasies

[34:28] with a girl and two dudes.

Dan McCoy

[34:31] And I've seen a lot of fantasies

[34:33] of the girl and two dudes and a wolf

[34:34] now that I think about it.

[34:37] Yeah.

[34:37] I mean, you know, it was a thing.

[34:39] It was a thing that we watched.

Elliott Kalan

[34:40] I felt there were some pretty scenic pictures in it.

[34:47] Yeah.

[34:47] Sure.

[34:48] I liked some of the color in it.

[34:49] Yeah, it was pretty good looking, actually.

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:51] The CGI was not as horrendous

[34:54] as a lot of other movies.

Dan McCoy

[34:55] I think it might be, yeah,

[34:56] one of the best shot movies

[34:57] we've actually watched for the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[34:59] Yeah.

[34:59] I mean, there's Sucker Punch,

[35:00] so it's not the best shot movie we've seen.

[35:02] Yeah.

[35:02] I mean, that was a penelope of colors.

[35:05] Yeah.

[35:05] It was just a cornucopia.

[35:08] Sure.

[35:08] Of rainbows.

Stuart Wellington

[35:09] I like the giant metal elephant

[35:11] that they baked that retarded guy.

[35:13] Yeah, that was one of those moments.

[35:15] I was about to say mentally challenged.

[35:17] I'm like, that's ridiculous.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] It's not.

[35:19] That's a traditional way of preparing.

[35:21] It's a pretty bland movie,

[35:23] but there are like a couple just crazy things in it

[35:26] that come out of nowhere,

[35:26] and the giant metal elephant oven is one of them

[35:29] that people get thrown into.

[35:31] Gary Oldman is the other.

[35:33] Gary Oldman has a few good moments

[35:35] where he's just like,

[35:36] you can tell this is a great actor

[35:38] who is getting a paycheck

[35:40] and just going to do whatever on set.

Stuart Wellington

[35:43] I like when he makes the girl petitioning

[35:45] to get her mentally challenged brother

[35:47] out of that elephant.

[35:49] She strips down,

[35:50] and he makes her turn around to show her body,

[35:52] and then he's like,

[35:53] get out of here, kid.

[35:55] What else you got?

Alex Smith

[35:58] Yeah, what would have happened

[35:59] to have made that scene go another way?

[36:01] What would she have done?

Stuart Wellington

[36:05] I think he was hoping for like a lower back tattoo

[36:07] or something.

[36:09] Yeah, something in Chinese.

[36:10] It reminds me of my wife that I killed.

Dan McCoy

[36:13] Did I mention I killed her?

[36:14] He was totally boss.

[36:15] What would that do?

[36:16] I mean, like, she's already offering herself to him.

[36:18] Like, it's not like,

[36:19] he's like, oh, I see that lower back tattoo.

[36:21] She's totally a slut.

[36:23] I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[36:25] Well, I mean, I think he was just hoping

[36:27] to see some killer artwork

[36:28] while making love to her.

[36:30] But there's also, there's like a...

[36:31] Doing it wolf style.

[36:33] That's how they call it around those parts.

[36:35] Around those parts?

[36:36] It's when you have sex with somebody

[36:37] and chop off their hands.

[36:38] What parts are those?

[36:39] Yeah, where was those parts?

[36:40] You know what's ironic

[36:42] is that Gary Oldman chopped off his wife's hand

[36:44] only to have his own hand chopped off by a wolf.

[36:46] It's the kind of irony you would find

[36:47] only in the Star Wars movies.

[36:49] Chopped by a wolf's mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[36:50] In the Star Trek movies?

[36:51] In the Star Trek.

[36:52] As Alex would say, in the Star Trek movies.

[36:58] He had some Star Wars, Star Trek confusion.

Dan McCoy

[37:01] A surprising amount of Stuart's bachelor party

[37:03] was spent talking about Star Wars.

[37:05] True, yes.

[37:06] Surprising.

[37:06] The character of Zuckus came up several times.

[37:11] Forlom.

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] Forlom, another character.

Stuart Wellington

[37:13] And I was really pleased to find

[37:15] that when we were checking into the hotel,

[37:18] we were behind a woman dressed up as a drow

[37:21] checking in as well.

[37:22] And what is a drow?

[37:23] A drow is from the Forgotten Realms universe

[37:26] of Dungeons & Dragons.

[37:27] It's an underworld-dwelling elf

[37:29] that is evil in nature,

[37:32] dark, like black skin with white hair.

Elliott Kalan

[37:34] Now you say dressed like a drow.

[37:35] How do you know she wasn't a real drow?

Stuart Wellington

[37:37] Well, her palms and hands were

[37:39] normal human skin color.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] Wow, normal human skin color?

[37:43] Oh, that's the racist one.

Stuart Wellington

[37:45] They didn't even describe what they looked like.

Elliott Kalan

[37:47] Just the idea of a normal human skin color

[37:49] and others are wrong.

[37:50] I mean, they weren't

[37:50] inherently racist.

[37:51] Or inherently default.

Stuart Wellington

[37:53] I mean, they weren't like ebony color.

[37:55] Like, they weren't pitch black.

[37:55] Wow.

[37:56] Okay.

[37:57] No, it didn't have black skin.

[37:58] No, I mean like...

[38:00] Terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] Wow.

[38:01] I mean, not like...

[38:02] Stuart, you're digging a deeper hole.

Dan McCoy

[38:05] So...

[38:05] I thought...

[38:06] There was that happening.

[38:06] I thought you were going to talk about...

[38:07] They weren't like Mexican colors,

[38:09] is what you're saying.

[38:10] I thought you were going to say that...

[38:11] Talk about how when we checked in,

[38:12] the lady at the desk within a minute of being

[38:15] acquainted with us was referring to us as

[38:17] knuckleheads.

[38:18] Yep.

[38:19] Well, specifically Elliot.

[38:22] Yeah, specifically me.

[38:23] When Steve asked for more toilet paper for one night's day.

Elliott Kalan

[38:26] We were there for one night,

[38:28] and one of the other guys asked for two extra rolls of toilet paper,

[38:32] and she said,

[38:33] Are you serious?

[38:34] And he said,

[38:34] I poop a lot.

[38:35] And then she told him to go sit in the corner and take a time out.

Dan McCoy

[38:40] Oh.

[38:41] Yeah, we all pooped a lot.

[38:42] We should have Sharon on the podcast.

[38:44] She would be great.

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] Honestly, I don't know why he thought he would need three rolls of toilet paper,

[38:49] unless he was going to dress up like a mummy at some point.

Stuart Wellington

[38:51] I gotta say that he is a very proficient bar back in Busboy,

[38:54] and I think he just wanted to make sure that nothing bad happened.

[38:57] You wanted to make sure everything was stocked.

[38:59] Yeah, of course.

Elliott Kalan

[39:00] In case he opened a bar in his hotel room.

[39:02] Yeah.

[39:03] Or just like which one toilet paper.

[39:08] So Red Riding Hood.

[39:11] Not a particularly exciting movie, yeah,

[39:13] but with a few moments of just strangeness.

[39:16] There's one part when...

Stuart Wellington

[39:17] A fair amount of the movie,

[39:19] or at least early on,

[39:20] is taken up with the idea of this girl who was in love with another guy,

[39:24] who has, you know, pledged to marry someone else,

[39:27] and she's like so unhappy about it.

[39:29] She feels like she's being sold.

Alex Smith

[39:32] I found all that stuff pretty hard to follow myself.

[39:35] You guys seem to have an easier time

[39:37] getting all the sort of family relations and things.

[39:39] Well, for such a small, shitty little town,

Stuart Wellington

[39:40] there's a lot of intrigue going on.

[39:42] Oh, yeah, everyone has their secrets, as Julie Christie said.

[39:44] I think it helps.

[39:45] I mean, they don't work,

Elliott Kalan

[39:46] so I have plenty of time to do shit.

[39:47] We've also got experience paying attention to movies

[39:49] when we're talking through them.

[39:51] So, for a newcomer, that might be more difficult.

[39:54] Although, that...

[39:55] Also, you might have been distracted

Stuart Wellington

[39:56] by the delicious Popeyes we were all devouring.

[39:59] Oh, wonderful.

Dan McCoy

[40:01] I was a little surprised by my heart.

[40:01] Blinded by the steam coming off the chicken.

[40:03] They're very basic family relationships,

[40:05] but something about the way the movie presented them.

Elliott Kalan

[40:07] Yeah, well, I mean,

[40:08] it helps that the characters didn't really have a lot of names.

[40:10] And, like, her sister we were introduced to

[40:13] when they discovered a dead body.

[40:16] Yeah.

[40:16] And we never really saw her

[40:17] or what she looked like

[40:19] or knew her name for a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[40:20] Her image was always fuzzy,

[40:22] like she exists in two worlds.

[40:24] Yes.

Alex Smith

[40:25] Yeah, well, they didn't do any kind of, like,

[40:26] they didn't set up...

[40:27] It really would have been easy

[40:29] to set up a family where they're, you know,

[40:33] she has a sister that she loves

[40:36] or she has a...

[40:37] You know, because ultimately,

[40:39] it ends up being sort of a big deal

[40:40] that her father loves her so much

[40:43] that he's willing to kill basically everybody

[40:44] in this village to spend time with his sister...

[40:47] to spend time with his daughter.

[40:49] Right.

[40:50] But they don't really show them interacting at all

[40:53] at any point in the movie.

[40:54] Yeah, and he's really doing that.

Stuart Wellington

[40:56] They spend a weird amount of time in the beginning

[40:58] showing a scene where she's a little girl

[41:00] hanging out with this kid with a vest on

[41:03] and not killing a fucking rabbit.

[41:06] No, but they do kill the rabbit.

[41:07] But they don't show you that, but, like...

Elliott Kalan

[41:09] Initially, it's like...

[41:10] It pulls the old 10 years later, this movie.

[41:12] It shows these two kids.

[41:14] They trap a rabbit,

[41:15] and the rabbit, and they're about to kill it.

[41:17] They're arguing over which one of them's going to kill it,

[41:19] and then it says 10 years later,

[41:20] and everyone's grown up.

Dan McCoy

[41:21] And that scene is significant for no reason.

Elliott Kalan

[41:23] Later on, the wolf says...

[41:26] The rabbit comes back and saves somebody's life.

[41:28] He's like,

[41:29] Thanks, dude!

[41:30] You did the favor for me,

Stuart Wellington

[41:32] and now I'll return the favor.

[41:33] I didn't realize that.

[41:34] Buddy power!

Alex Smith

[41:36] It's basically Scrappy-Doo.

[41:38] Do you have to return that favor

[41:39] if someone traps you

[41:40] and then holds a knife to your throat

[41:41] and then doesn't kill you?

Elliott Kalan

[41:42] It's not exactly pulling the thorn

[41:44] from a lion's paw, I guess.

[41:45] But the wolf says to her,

[41:48] You could kill people.

[41:49] You killed a rabbit once, didn't you?

[41:51] And it's like,

[41:52] how is that...

[41:52] People kill rabbits all the time

[41:54] to eat them

[41:55] and to use their fur for things.

Dan McCoy

[41:56] Get a little Mr. Rabbit Killer over here.

[41:58] Am I right, guys?

[41:59] All I'm saying is kill them all.

[42:00] You guys are a monster.

Elliott Kalan

[42:01] All I'm saying is the only good rabbit

[42:02] is a dead rabbit.

[42:03] Am I right, guys?

[42:03] Yeah, grind their bones

[42:04] to make your bread and whatnot.

[42:06] I don't know if I'm going to make bread

[42:06] out of bones.

Dan McCoy

[42:08] Well, maybe rather.

[42:08] I think I'll use flour.

[42:10] It's your bone bread.

[42:11] Bone bread.

[42:12] Sounds like a blues musician,

Elliott Kalan

[42:14] bone bread.

Dan McCoy

[42:16] This movie is like 80 minutes long.

[42:18] I have to assume...

[42:19] No, it's 100 minutes long.

Stuart Wellington

[42:20] Really?

[42:20] Yeah, according to Wikipedia.

[42:21] It felt like 200 minutes long.

[42:24] Am I right?

[42:25] No.

[42:25] Yeah, this guy knows

[42:26] what I'm talking about.

[42:27] There's no audience here.

[42:28] You're doing crowd work

[42:29] and there's no audience.

[42:30] Hey, who's here from out of town?

[42:31] Anybody?

Alex Smith

[42:33] Me.

[42:34] So, where are you from?

[42:36] I'm from Kentucky.

Stuart Wellington

[42:39] Kentucky, as the Francai traders say.

Elliott Kalan

[42:42] The Cane-tuck.

[42:43] Well, I don't have anything

[42:44] to say about Kentucky,

[42:45] so anybody else?

[42:46] Anyone else here from out of town?

[42:47] Terrible crowd work.

[42:48] Dan, where are you from?

[42:49] I'm from Brooklyn.

[42:50] Now, we've never met before, right, Dan?

[42:52] That is incorrect.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] So, pick a card.

[42:54] Any card.

[42:55] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[42:56] This one.

[42:56] Okay, what's the card?

[42:57] It's the Ten of Diamonds.

[42:59] Amazing.

[42:59] Amazing, everybody.

[43:01] I'll be back later.

[43:02] It's for the 4 o'clock show.

Dan McCoy

[43:03] Okay, well, he just threw down

[43:05] a smoke bomb and just threw it.

[43:07] A spokes bomb?

[43:08] A spokes bomb.

[43:09] It's the bomb that speaks

[43:10] for all the other bombs.

[43:15] So, guys, we've been wasting more

[43:18] than our usual amount of time

[43:19] on gibberish.

[43:19] What are you talking about?

[43:20] I think that's going to be a theme

Elliott Kalan

[43:21] with every episode that comes up

[43:23] as we run out of things

[43:24] to say about movies.

[43:26] We should wrap.

Alex Smith

[43:30] I mean, what can you really say

[43:31] about movies?

[43:32] Come on.

[43:32] We've said them all.

[43:33] Movies.

[43:34] Long and short.

[43:35] Old and new.

[43:36] They're flat.

[43:36] They take up time.

[43:38] There's some people in them.

Dan McCoy

[43:39] Come on.

[43:41] We're moving to an all-jibberish format.

Elliott Kalan

[43:43] We're a gibberish podcast?

[43:45] It's just nonsense?

[43:47] So, Dan, how do we rate this movie?

Dan McCoy

[43:49] Oh, yeah.

[43:50] Is this movie totally scarifying?

[43:54] Was it totally snorifying?

[43:56] Or was it frighteningly funny?

[43:59] Once again, inadequate ratings.

Stuart Wellington

[44:01] Well, it was not shockingly good.

[44:07] Not a rating.

Elliott Kalan

[44:08] But neither was it horrifyingly horrifying.

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] It wasn't that either.

[44:12] Well, it's tough to use the ironclad rating system

[44:17] that Dan's presented because I don't feel that it was very...

[44:20] Ironclad.

[44:20] Yeah.

[44:21] I don't feel comfortable being locked into this system.

[44:25] It's not...

[44:26] It wasn't really a horror movie.

[44:29] And, yeah, I mean, it went pretty quick.

[44:32] It was better to look at than some of the other movies.

[44:35] Am I right?

[44:36] Yeah.

[44:37] That's good stuff.

[44:40] I would say it was shockingly...

[44:41] Seems overstating.

[44:43] So, perfect movie.

[44:44] Let's move on.

[44:45] I'll say good bad.

[44:46] I enjoyed it.

[44:48] Good bad.

[44:49] Alex.

[44:50] Spookily good bad.

[44:52] Spookily good bad.

Alex Smith

[44:54] A bushel of wormy boners.

[44:57] You haven't read anything with wormy boners.

Stuart Wellington

[45:00] Well, I'm saving it.

[45:02] But I guess you're going to blow up my spot.

Alex Smith

[45:04] I agree with Stuart.

[45:06] Stuart, I do feel like it's almost...

[45:07] It's a little bit...

[45:09] It feels to me even a little bit better than good bad.

[45:13] Because it's not just...

[45:14] I mean, it's not good.

[45:15] But it's not...

[45:16] I agree with Elliot that I think the special effects were...

[45:21] They were never...

[45:23] Usually when you watch a bad movie recently that has a lot of CGI in it or a lot of special effects,

[45:28] you are distracted by how bad or how obnoxious they are.

[45:32] And this one seemed to be sort of restrained in that regard.

[45:36] I think.

[45:36] Yeah.

[45:37] They just did sort of a good job with the visual...

[45:40] Everything visual about the movie, they at least did a good job with that.

[45:43] So, yeah, I'll say good bad.

[45:44] But I do think that it's...

[45:47] I don't know if it's worth watching if you don't...

[45:50] That might be stretching it.

[45:51] If you're not way in the red riding hood.

[45:52] Yeah.

[45:52] If you're not a big hood head.

[45:55] I mean...

[45:56] Which I guess is a Klansman.

Dan McCoy

[45:57] They're like brown coats.

Alex Smith

[45:58] Okay.

[45:59] I think you guys have said at some time that it's something...

[46:04] That a movie might be something that's worth watching if it's like on TV already.

[46:07] Yeah, yeah.

[46:08] If you're sick.

[46:08] It's that kind of thing.

[46:09] Yeah.

[46:09] I think it is worth watching in that sense.

[46:12] And you get to see a retarded guy cooked inside a giant metal elephant.

[46:16] That's pretty good.

[46:17] Mentally challenged.

Elliott Kalan

[46:19] Please.

[46:20] For our listeners.

[46:21] Yeah, I would call it eerily adequate.

[46:26] I think it was not particularly good.

[46:28] But yeah, it was not as bad as some of the other stuff we've seen lately.

[46:30] And worth seeing if you are sick home from work and don't want to bother to change the channel.

[46:35] Yeah.

[46:36] I would say you can watch this.

Dan McCoy

[46:39] I agree with the general consensus.

[46:40] The movie looked pretty.

[46:42] Amanda Seyfried looked pretty.

[46:44] Kind of.

[46:45] Gary Oldman, beautiful.

[46:46] Gary Oldman was crazy.

[46:48] I liked his purple outfit.

[46:50] So I'll...

[46:51] He was like Prince.

[46:52] Yeah, it was very regal.

[46:54] 20 thumbs up.

[46:55] Go see it.

Elliott Kalan

[46:56] Really?

[46:57] Wow, a million thumbs up.

[46:59] So in the end, it was all right.

[47:01] And best movie of the year.

[47:06] What's next, Daniel-san?

Dan McCoy

[47:08] I have some emails.

[47:10] This looks like a picture.

[47:12] Sweet.

[47:13] From letters from listeners.

[47:15] The Melbig.

[47:16] This first one is titled...

[47:18] There's no songs anymore.

[47:19] What?

Elliott Kalan

[47:20] What?

[47:20] It's a letter section.

[47:21] I know we talked a lot for a while, so I don't want to take up too much time with the song.

Dan McCoy

[47:25] Yeah, let's just take up time talking about how there's no song.

[47:27] Yeah.

[47:27] So there's no songs this time, guys.

[47:28] Okay.

[47:29] No song for them.

[47:30] Letter time.

Elliott Kalan

[47:31] Time for letters.

[47:33] Hey, letter time.

[47:36] It's called Switcharoonie.

[47:37] The old change-up.

Dan McCoy

[47:39] This is titled Flopper Soundalikes.

[47:40] This is a very popular email topic.

[47:44] Sarah here.

[47:45] Frequent listener and second-time writer.

[47:47] What's her last name?

[47:48] And no Elliot and Stuart.

[47:49] I'm not Dan's wife.

[47:51] Oh, okay.

[47:51] We just share an awesome name.

[47:53] Just wanted to add my thoughts on something I heard on a recent episode of Your Always Excellent Podcast.

[47:57] Well, thank you.

[47:58] A listener wrote in saying that he thought Elliot sounded like Mo Rocca and Stuart like Seth Rogen.

[48:02] I'd have to agree on Stuart's voice, but as for Elliot, I've always pictured Vincent Cartheiser.

[48:07] I hope this is more to Elliot's liking, as I believe he said he didn't like the comparison to Mo.

[48:12] If not, then may I suggest Winston Zedemore as Elliot.

[48:17] Really?

[48:17] Ernie Hudson?

Elliott Kalan

[48:18] Not even Ernie Hudson, but a character Ernie Hudson played.

Stuart Wellington

[48:21] I was going to say Ernie Hudson from Hand the Rocks the Cradle would be closer.

Dan McCoy

[48:28] Well, thank you for those better comparisons.

[48:30] She says she hopes that she can come to the next Flophouse movie night.

[48:34] I heard it was a huge success, what with Dan's pizza order getting messed up and harassing your significant others on stage.

[48:40] That's part.

[48:41] From Sarah, not Dan's wife.

Elliott Kalan

[48:43] I love that.

[48:44] That's, yeah, for all of recorded history, none of the jokes from Twin Sitters, the screening will be remembered, but Dan getting his pizza order mixed up.

Stuart Wellington

[48:54] Yep.

[48:55] And the size that accompanied that.

[48:58] Oh, pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[49:00] Oh.

[49:02] Yes.

[49:03] There you go, Vincent.

Dan McCoy

[49:04] Yep.

[49:06] I wish it was Vincent Price.

[49:09] This is from Kelly, last name withheld.

[49:12] I think this one might be directed to you, Alex.

[49:14] Oh, good.

[49:15] Yeah.

[49:16] It's about time.

[49:17] This one's from Kelly, last name withheld.

[49:18] I was wondering if anyone there had heard of the book Shock Festival by Steven Romano.

[49:24] It's a book with short histories of 100 fake B-movies complete with posters, behind-the-scenes pictures, and interviews with the actors.

[49:30] It's a fun, weird-ass book with some awesome fake posters.

[49:33] Just wanted to mention it to you, as it might interest someone there.

[49:36] P.S.

[49:37] Dan.

[49:38] Just wanted to let you know that a while ago, I bought the first issue of Wim Quarterly, but only recently got around to reading it, and So You're Covered in Ants, which is my contribution.

[49:48] She says, it's one of my favorite things.

[49:51] I plan on making copies of it and sticking them to the fridges of every human being I know.

[49:55] So thank you, Kelly, for that inefficient method of Wim Quarterly.

[49:58] There was almost no Flophouse content to that fan letter.

[50:01] I just wanted to talk about how people...

Elliott Kalan

[50:03] It's like if I wrote into Amazing Spider-Man and I said, hey, dear Spider-Crew, I love your book.

[50:08] Have you read any Ursula K. Le Guin?

[50:11] Because she is a great writer.

[50:13] P.S.

[50:13] I like the other thing you did that's unrelated to Spider-Man.

[50:17] I think this is a very...

[50:18] Love, Kelly Kapowski.

[50:19] I think that...

Dan McCoy

[50:20] I think Kelly brings up an excellent point, which is that my contributions to Wim Quarterly are great.

[50:29] Right.

[50:30] Yeah.

[50:31] So...

Stuart Wellington

[50:32] That seems better for the Dan McCoy podcast.

[50:35] Real McCoy.

[50:36] There's been another episode of Dan McCoy, letter editor.

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] How many letters do we get complimenting me or Stuart for things that are not related to the Flophouse that you don't read?

Dan McCoy

[50:46] Moving on.

[50:47] This is from Paul Lastname Withheld.

[50:49] Thanks, Kelly.

[50:50] And thanks, Sarah, earlier.

[50:52] Paul Lastname Withheld.

[50:53] His email is titled, Gay Movies.

[50:56] So, Stuart, this is for you.

[50:58] I think you guys need to do a movie like Cruising or The Next Best Thing.

[51:03] Something gay stupid that might shake Dan of his homophobia.

[51:06] Now, this is not a thing that...

[51:08] No, it's just Dan.

[51:09] You've got to open your mind.

[51:10] Dan's violently homophobic.

Alex Smith

[51:12] Something gay stupid?

[51:14] Something gay stupid.

[51:15] Gay hyphen stupid.

[51:16] Is it gay slash...

[51:16] Oh, gay hyphen stupid.

[51:18] Yeah.

[51:18] It's not slar.

[51:18] Not gay stupid.

[51:19] Gay slash stupid.

Dan McCoy

[51:20] But in all seriousness, I want to thank you guys because you make me laugh when I could use it.

[51:24] It's hard to find people that can talk Ray Dennis Steckler or Kevin O'Rourke and whatnot.

[51:29] So, to you all, I say...

[51:30] Ray Dennis Steckler.

Stuart Wellington

[51:32] Not Ray the protector of Earthrealm.

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] No, Ray Dennis Steckler, the director slash writer slash actor.

[51:37] Sure.

[51:37] Also known as Cash Flag.

Dan McCoy

[51:41] Gay movies, guys.

[51:44] I think the problem is there aren't that many gay movies in general.

[51:47] So, to find a big Hollywood flop gay movie...

Elliott Kalan

[51:51] There was a gay character in Valentine's Day.

[51:54] Was there?

[51:54] Yeah, the gay football player.

[51:56] Oh.

[51:57] Who was in love with Bradley Cooper.

[51:59] That's right.

[52:00] And he's played by the guy from Grey's Anatomy.

[52:02] Yeah.

[52:03] But, yeah, I guess we have...

[52:04] Well, we can look out for that in the future.

[52:06] I mean, I don't think Flop House believes in a quota system.

[52:09] But, you know, we can be more open-minded.

Dan McCoy

[52:13] Tell them we're not more open-minded.

[52:14] Hollywood is not making terrible gay movies.

[52:17] Well, you're not that open-minded.

[52:18] So, get on the horn to Hollywood and demand awful, stupid gay movies.

Elliott Kalan

[52:22] Tell them to make a terrible movie about a gay monster.

[52:25] Yeah.

[52:25] Starring Sean Hayes, probably.

[52:28] Stuart assumes.

[52:29] Stuart loves Sean Hayes.

[52:33] Well, he's hilarious.

[52:35] He's my favorite performer in the history of filmed comedy.

[52:39] In the history of people speaking out loud.

Stuart Wellington

[52:44] Yeah, no, I mean, it's not really a joke anymore, guys.

[52:47] It's pretty serious.

Dan McCoy

[52:50] So, Sean Hayes cast.

[52:51] Okay, on to the next...

[52:52] Sean Hayes Advocacy Podcast.

[52:54] Yep.

[52:55] You can sign my petition later.

[52:57] So, this is...

[52:59] What's the petition for what?

[53:00] Sean Hayes?

Stuart Wellington

[53:01] No, for me to make the Sean Hayes Podcast.

Alex Smith

[53:03] Oh, okay.

[53:04] Or for you to replace Sean Hayes.

[53:06] Well, like what?

[53:06] Like I take his skin and put it on my body?

Stuart Wellington

[53:08] Oh, that's horrifying.

[53:11] No.

[53:11] Why would that be...

[53:11] It's October.

[53:12] I thought I'd do a scary thing.

[53:14] Okay, well, let's be scary then.

[53:16] Boo!

[53:17] Okay.

[53:18] Good job, Stuart.

[53:19] Boo-ity-boo!

Dan McCoy

[53:20] Yep.

[53:21] Terrifying.

[53:23] Just Sean Hayes.

[53:24] Boo-oo!

[53:24] I want to...

Elliott Kalan

[53:25] By the way, while we're in the letters, I wanted to mention something that I forgot if it was

[53:29] corrected before.

[53:30] Someone wrote in talking about the night court bit from an earlier episode.

[53:34] I was notified by a listener that that was in the Ugly Truth episode.

Dan McCoy

[53:39] Yes.

[53:40] And I want to issue a correction about something I said back in The Happiest Millionaire.

Elliott Kalan

[53:43] Everyone wants to go back and listen to that.

[53:45] It's the Ugly Truth episode.

[53:46] What did you say, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[53:46] With the vibrating underpants.

[53:50] Yes, yeah.

[53:50] In The Happiest Millionaire, I mistakenly said that Leslie Ann Warren was in the show Taxi.

[53:55] I was, of course, thinking of Mary Lou Henner.

[53:58] So, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[54:00] Is this the apology part of the podcast?

Dan McCoy

[54:01] What's going on here?

[54:02] Anyway...

[54:03] This is the retcon part of the podcast.

[54:05] Moving on to Beth's last name withheld.

[54:07] And she says...

[54:09] Her email is titled,

[54:10] Flophouse Fan at DragonCon.

[54:12] Awesome.

[54:13] I recently attended the DragonCon Sci-Fi Fantasy Convention in Atlanta for the first time.

[54:18] I was wandering around...

[54:18] In Floplanta.

[54:19] Lost in a sea of Doctor Whos and Stormtroopers when I caught a glimpse of pink, or perhaps

[54:24] peach, out of the corner of my eye.

[54:26] An original peach!

[54:27] I had to assume she was dressed as such in support of the Flophouse.

[54:32] A decision which I wholeheartedly support.

[54:35] Your nerdy fan base is strong.

[54:36] Attached as photographic evidence.

[54:38] And as you see here...

Elliott Kalan

[54:39] Oh, they're dressed as one of the players from A League of Their Own.

Dan McCoy

[54:41] Oh, right.

[54:43] In the original peaches.

[54:45] Number 32, in fact.

[54:46] Nerd favorite movie.

[54:47] Or that might...

[54:48] A League of Their Own.

[54:49] That might actually be Lori Petty.

[54:51] That's the other option.

[54:52] It's possible.

Elliott Kalan

[54:52] Dan, that's your number from the movie, isn't it?

[54:54] 32?

[54:55] Sure.

[54:56] That's awesome.

[54:57] In your character of Betty Spaghetti.

[54:59] Mm-hmm.

[54:59] The one who finds out her husband died in the war.

[55:01] Oh, why?

[55:03] You auditioned for the role.

[55:04] I don't...

[55:05] I can't stop you.

[55:06] Oh, that's so sad.

[55:07] That's Tank Girl in that one, right?

[55:09] Yes, Tank Girl.

[55:11] Tank Girl and the Earth Girl who's easy.

[55:13] And Madonna and...

[55:17] What's her name from Exit to Eden?

[55:19] Point, point, point.

[55:19] Rosie Donald.

[55:20] Point Break.

[55:21] Wait, Point Break?

Dan McCoy

[55:22] Point Break?

[55:23] I'm talking about Lori Petty.

[55:24] Oh.

[55:26] Keep up the good work.

[55:27] Tank Girl.

[55:27] Yeah.

[55:28] And maybe next year we'll see some fans dressed as Cy Guy, Lustash, and The Corrector.

[55:32] I'm hoping for a few Leonardos and Scrooge McDucks as well.

[55:36] That would be wonderful.

[55:37] What about Leonardo Scrooge McDucks?

[55:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[55:41] Maybe at FlopCon 2012, also known as the New York Comic Con.

Stuart Wellington

[55:46] Yeah, what are you going to dress up when you go to FlopCon 2012?

Alex Smith

[55:49] Oh, man, you're really putting me on the spot there.

[55:51] I don't have one.

[55:52] Probably another Luigi.

[55:55] I'd like to be the fifth Luigi.

Stuart Wellington

[55:57] Yeah, when we were walking over here, you were saying how he'd really like to be Luigi.

[56:01] Like, that's shooting high.

[56:02] He's not even going to be Mario.

[56:03] He's just going to be Luigi.

Alex Smith

[56:05] It's not like you said you want to be Toad.

[56:07] I want to be that famous guy's brother.

[56:08] Well, at Gen Con, there were like five Luigis and one Mario.

[56:12] And the Mario had just sort of phoned it in.

[56:14] And the Luigis were great.

Elliott Kalan

[56:16] Mario might not have been in the costume.

[56:17] He might have just been a big Italian guy.

Stuart Wellington

[56:20] He's like, I heard there's some plumbing around here that needs to be mixed.

Dan McCoy

[56:23] Yeah, he's fixing the plumbing while the costume parade's going on.

[56:29] And our final email of the evening is titled, Stop lying, Elliot.

[56:35] Wait a minute.

[56:36] And it's from Michael, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[56:39] So the letters are either giving Dan congratulations or attacking us.

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] Last name withheld, huh?

[56:45] Well, I deserve to know the name of my accuser.

[56:48] This is a fair court of law.

[56:50] It is not.

[56:51] Trial is a travesty.

[56:52] It's a sham.

[56:53] It's a mockery.

[56:55] It's a Colin mockery.

Dan McCoy

[56:56] It's a mockery of two shams.

[56:59] And he says, all of these modest claims that you aren't good friends with Anne Hathaway,

[57:03] then how do you explain this sentence?

[57:05] I had a feeling it was about him.

[57:06] I stumbled upon.

[57:07] On Wikipedia?

[57:08] On your Wikipedia page.

[57:10] Quote, during his time in New Jersey,

[57:12] Kalen began his friendship with actress Anne Hathaway,

[57:15] a relationship that remains to this day.

[57:18] Hmm?

[57:19] They wrote, hmm?

Elliott Kalan

[57:20] They wrote, hmm?

[57:21] Well, Michael, I am happy to tell, or not happy to tell you, I guess.

[57:25] I am sad to inform you that that line was put in by some sort of perpetrator,

[57:29] who also added to my IMDB page in the trivia section that I am good friends with Anne Hathaway.

[57:36] Neither of these are true.

[57:38] I have not spoken to Ms. Hathaway in many years,

[57:42] and even in the times when I could have, did not speak much.

[57:44] What pushed you apart?

[57:45] Well, we didn't know each other.

[57:47] Okay.

[57:48] We were in two different grades and had nothing in common.

[57:50] Like a biblical way?

[57:51] I mean, I didn't.

[57:52] In biblical way?

[57:52] Yeah, a C parted.

Dan McCoy

[57:54] No, I mean, you didn't know each other in a biblical way.

Elliott Kalan

[57:57] I mean that too, but no, we're not friends.

[57:59] I mean, I don't want to start any rumors around here.

[58:02] That's too many rumors I've already started.

[58:04] And some flop listener went on to those two pages and added that in.

[58:08] They also added to the end of my Wikipedia page that I enjoy words that sound like other words.

Alex Smith

[58:14] It is true, though.

[58:15] How do you know that that's a Flophouse listener that added those things?

Elliott Kalan

[58:17] I don't know where else they would have gotten those ideas from.

Stuart Wellington

[58:20] What about that one girl, the bondage enthusiast that said she –

[58:23] She knew me through my newspaper column.

[58:25] She didn't –

[58:25] And you didn't talk about your friend Anne Hathaway on that?

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] I never did.

[58:28] Okay.

[58:29] Not a friend of mine.

[58:30] Someone I knew, barely.

[58:32] Not someone I disliked.

[58:33] Barely.

Stuart Wellington

[58:33] Like if you saw her at a party, you'd give her like a knowing nod?

[58:36] Yeah.

[58:36] I don't think she'd remember who I was.

[58:38] Like barely like if she was dressed up as a bear.

[58:40] You would know her.

[58:42] I'd recommend her better in a bear costume, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:45] That's what she wore in high school.

[58:46] She was a bear cosplayer.

Dan McCoy

[58:47] Well, I appreciate the time and effort that our listeners are putting into defacing Elliot's Wikipedia page.

[58:57] I think it's sad that they're not putting that time and effort into creating Wikipedia pages for me and Stuart.

[59:03] We're for the Flophouse in general.

[59:04] Oh, that's a good point.

[59:05] We're for the Flophouse in general.

[59:05] That's a really good point.

[59:07] We are woefully underrepresented.

[59:08] What was that Wikipedia page?

Alex Smith

[59:09] I don't have one.

[59:10] I don't have one either.

[59:11] So if anybody wants to say that one.

Stuart Wellington

[59:12] But we've been talking about Wikipedia a lot, Alex.

[59:14] Didn't you want to plug that?

[59:15] No, I sure don't.

[59:16] Okay.

[59:19] Seems like there's a story behind that comment.

[59:20] So that's a mystery left best undiscovered, I suppose.

Alex Smith

[59:24] Listeners, there's a mystery somewhere on Wikipedia.

[59:26] Check it out this weekend.

Elliott Kalan

[59:29] So search for mystery.

Dan McCoy

[59:31] All right.

[59:32] Well, we're running long.

[59:34] So I think we're going to cut out the recommendations and just bullshitting with my buddies.

[59:41] Just see what happens.

Alex Smith

[59:42] How about we recommend another great podcast?

[59:45] Yeah, how about we recommend it?

[59:46] It's called How Did This Get Made?

Elliott Kalan

[59:49] It's a bad movie podcast.

[59:51] They address why.

Dan McCoy

[59:52] Where they just go, how did this get made?

Alex Smith

[59:54] Over and over and over again.

Dan McCoy

[59:57] No, Alex, you've got a number of projects that we could use this time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:02] Yeah, talented, this guy.

[1:00:04] Thanks.

[1:00:04] Thanks, guys.

[1:00:05] You're going to cut this section out afterwards, right, Dan?

[1:00:07] Yeah.

[1:00:07] Okay.

[1:00:08] Yeah, go ahead, Alex.

[1:00:09] Tell us about your projects.

Alex Smith

[1:00:10] Let me give you a good pause.

[1:00:11] You want me to clap for you so you can find it visually?

[1:00:14] So you can line up the video and the audio.

[1:00:16] Okay.

[1:00:17] I'll give you a clap and then I'll plug my projects.

[1:00:22] Yeah, I have a podcast called Probably Not Podcast with my friends Tony and Jessica.

[1:00:26] Check it out.

[1:00:27] It's on iTunes.

[1:00:28] It's made up names to me.

[1:00:29] Probably Not Podcast or write into us at probablynotpodcast at gmail.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:33] That's an email so easy to remember.

[1:00:35] So much better than the Flophouse email, which is what?

[1:00:38] Flophouse at podcast.gmail.flop.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:42] Flophousepodcast at gmail.com.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:44] At the internet.america.

[1:00:46] Care of World Wide Web.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:48] Actually, .uk for some reason.

[1:00:50] So I don't know.

[1:00:52] Internet America 00441.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:54] What about your musical endeavors?

Alex Smith

[1:00:56] Yeah.

[1:00:57] I have one album out that I kind of did myself.

[1:01:01] It's under the name Lydia Burrell.

[1:01:03] L-Y-D-I-A-B-U-R-R-E-L-L.

[1:01:06] And that's available again on removador.com.

[1:01:09] You can actually, if you go to removador.com, you can listen to the whole thing.

[1:01:15] And if you feel like purchasing it.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:18] This is Dan breaking in here for a second.

[1:01:20] Alex was so kind as to provide us with a new track from Lydia Burrell, which is appended at the end of this episode after the theme and the outtakes.

[1:01:30] So if you want to listen to hear what the band sounds like, wait around and you can check that out at the end of the episode.

[1:01:37] All right.

[1:01:37] Back to the conversation.

Alex Smith

[1:01:39] You can get it there or get it on iTunes or Amazon.

[1:01:42] But you're going to want to as soon as you start listening.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:44] Now that's that door removing service, right?

Alex Smith

[1:01:46] Yes, they remove one door.

[1:01:48] They will remove a single door.

[1:01:50] Okay.

[1:01:51] So choose wisely.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:52] Only one door per customer.

[1:01:54] Just get rid of the one you really can't use.

Alex Smith

[1:01:56] We just finished.

[1:01:58] So I did that record by myself and then we just finished a new record that should be out early next year.

[1:02:04] If you do like what you hear, whether or not you want to check out or buy the record, if you like us on Facebook, we'll have information about how to get that record when it's eventually out.

[1:02:16] So, yeah.

[1:02:17] So, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:21] Rock and roll.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:23] He's here to stay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:26] That was the coolest thing you've ever said, Dan.

[1:02:29] And what a cool way to say it.

[1:02:32] Is that Dan McCoy or is that Johnny McCool?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:36] You want to make sure that the kids that are listening know that we're down with them.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:40] We're still hip.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:41] With the rock and roll.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:44] So, another Shocktober.

[1:02:46] Comes to a close.

[1:02:47] Sputters to a halt.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:49] Dies with not a bang but a whimper.

[1:02:51] Guys, I think we really knocked this one out of the park.

[1:02:53] Fenway Park.

[1:02:55] A haunted Fenway Park.

[1:02:57] Shocktober.

[1:02:58] So, let's.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:00] What are we going to do for Love Number?

[1:03:02] I guess that's the November.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:05] Yeah.

[1:03:05] Isn't that where we watch romance movies?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:08] Cass and Heigl movies?

[1:03:09] Oh, I mean, there's been so many good picks that have been stacking up.

[1:03:14] Stacking them picks.

[1:03:16] You know what?

[1:03:17] Maybe we'll talk about it later.

[1:03:18] Country Strong, maybe?

[1:03:19] Oh, yeah.

[1:03:19] We've got to do Country Strong.

[1:03:20] Or that Green Lantern.

[1:03:22] Green Lampern.

[1:03:23] Yeah.

[1:03:24] You still haven't done Marmaduke, have you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:25] We still have not done Marmaduke.

[1:03:27] That's true.

[1:03:28] Oh, get ready for that, floppers.

[1:03:30] So much crap.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:31] Until then, let's sign off.

[1:03:33] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:35] Oh, I'm still Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:37] I am Elliot Kalin in this sense.

Alex Smith

[1:03:40] I want to thank you guys for letting me come and hang out and do this.

[1:03:44] It's been fun.

[1:03:45] I'm Alex Smith.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:47] Yay!

[1:03:48] The best man.

[1:03:50] And the two worst.

[1:03:51] Wait, what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:53] Hold on a second.

Alex Smith

[1:04:00] This episode is just going to be me plugging things.

[1:04:03] And dancing.

[1:04:03] Shut up.

[1:04:04] Shut up.

[1:04:05] Shut up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:07] Shut it.

[1:04:08] So animated.

[1:04:09] Okay, guys.

[1:04:10] We've got Dr. Katz over here.

[1:04:13] Yeah, that's the most animated show you can think of.

[1:04:15] Dr. Katz.

[1:04:18] 9 a.m. meeting over here.

[1:04:35] Thank you.

S5

[1:08:31] But we carry our way

[1:08:33] The present is great

[1:08:39] We carry our way

[1:08:45] Falling away

[1:08:48] So carry our way

The Flop House: Episode #90 - Red Riding Hood

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