The Flop House: Episode #91 - Zookeeper

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Untitled Kevin James Animal Pratfall Project.

[0:06] Okay, it's called Zookeeper.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] I'm Elliot Kalin in the number two spot.

Hallie Haglund

[0:40] And I'm Hallie Haglund in the number three spot.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] So that's, yeah, that's Hallie.

[0:47] You may have noticed she doesn't sound like Stuart.

[0:49] No.

[0:50] Our usual co-host.

[0:52] Hey dudes.

[0:53] Pretty good.

[0:54] Pretty good, Stuart. Dan, why isn't Stuart with us today?

[0:57] Well, he just got married.

[0:59] So I assume even though he got married on Sunday, which was four days ago, that he is still consummating his marriage.

Dan McCoy

[1:05] Yeah, well, he is a dynamo. He's a sexual dynamo.

[1:08] If there's one thing that we know about Stuart.

[1:10] Yeah, it's a sexamo.

[1:11] A kokomo, if you will.

Hallie Haglund

[1:13] Yeah, but...

[1:14] That doesn't exist.

[1:16] Oh, you're right.

Dan McCoy

[1:17] Well, no, there's a kokomo.

[1:19] But it's in Indiana.

[1:21] It's not a tropical isle.

[1:23] Is that where the Beach Boys were singing about? Kokomo, Indiana?

[1:25] Yeah.

[1:26] Tropical breeze?

[1:26] Is it an island on a lake?

[1:28] No, I actually...

[1:30] It just seems weird they would say Bermuda, Bahamas, and Halloween, Indiana.

[1:32] Is it just their lake house that they named Kokomo?

[1:35] No, I appeared in a Shakespeare in the Park production in Kokomo, Indiana.

[1:39] What play?

[1:40] What play was that?

[1:41] Twelfth Night.

[1:42] Who were you?

[1:43] No, no, but what did you do the first 11 nights?

[1:44] Were you Viola?

[1:46] I played Fabian.

[1:47] I played Fabian, my friend, the director, the directress.

[1:50] She needed someone to step in because...

Hallie Haglund

[1:54] That is so condescending to call it the directress.

[1:57] Yeah, come on.

[1:58] I'm glad we have a woman on the show today to slap you two around.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] Oh, boy.

[2:03] So that's what we're going to be dealing with today, audience, is Hallie Haglund, the feminist activist.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] So Stuart is basking in his wedded bliss.

[2:16] Which is lovely.

[2:17] But are you coming on to his wife?

Elliott Kalan

[2:20] Is that what's happening?

[2:21] No, his wedded bliss is lovely.

[2:22] His wife is hideous.

[2:23] Okay.

[2:24] I'm just kidding.

[2:25] She's a beautiful woman.

[2:26] And it was a wonderful wedding.

[2:29] It was the gayest wedding I've ever been to, and I've been to several gay weddings.

[2:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:33] I feel like we should talk about it, but I feel we probably should save that.

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] Should we wait for Stuart to come back?

[2:37] For Stuart to return.

[2:39] Well, flop fans, so you'll have to bide your time to hear the steamy secrets of the Stuart Wellington nuptials.

[2:46] Yeah.

[2:46] In lieu of tales of...

[2:47] And sorry, ladies, Stuart Wellington's off the market.

[2:50] Yeah.

[2:51] Sorry, Hallie.

Hallie Haglund

[2:53] I've never met this.

Elliott Kalan

[2:55] Sorry, Hallie.

Dan McCoy

[2:56] And so let's introduce our guest host for tonight.

[3:00] In lieu of tales of Stuart's wedding, Hallie, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Elliott Kalan

[3:03] That is one of the lamer horror comics.

[3:06] Tales of Stuart's wedding.

[3:09] Whale boys and ghouls.

[3:13] They went to Port Shrieko.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] And Tux Shrieko's.

[3:20] That doesn't make sense.

[3:21] Okay.

[3:22] Maybe Tux Grimo's.

[3:23] They did all wear it.

Hallie Haglund

[3:24] They did all wear it.

[3:25] I think it's important.

[3:25] I think you can at least tease the stories to have everyone know that you guys wore tuxedo speedos.

[3:32] I didn't.

Elliott Kalan

[3:33] I did.

[3:33] Dan did.

[3:34] This is actually something that's been covered on the show before.

[3:36] If you go to the Flophouse wiki, someone has already put in an entry for tuxedo speedos.

[3:41] Oh, okay.

[3:42] We'll get to the Flophouse wiki, my friend.

[3:44] Oh, okay.

[3:44] Excellent.

[3:45] We will get there.

[3:45] But let's introduce our co-host, Hallie Haglund.

[3:49] Ms. Hallie Haglund.

[3:50] Hi.

Dan McCoy

[3:51] Say something about who you are.

Hallie Haglund

[3:55] I work with Dan and Elliot, and I share an office with Elliot, and we all hang out sometimes and just joke around and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] Oh, yeah.

[4:06] Just have a lot of laughs.

[4:07] So finally we have a Flophouse that's all writers for The Daily Show.

[4:11] Yeah.

[4:12] I guess we had that once before when Wyatt was here.

Dan McCoy

[4:14] Well, I wasn't.

[4:15] I had not gotten a job.

[4:16] Oh, that's right.

[4:16] You weren't a writer yet.

Elliott Kalan

[4:18] We finally replaced all the nine writers of The Daily Show on the Flophouse with writers for The Daily Show.

Dan McCoy

[4:24] So, Hallie, you teased this a moment ago, but you share an office with Elliot.

[4:30] Yes.

[4:30] Which is to the point because…

[4:32] What point?

[4:33] You know, you may think that you're here to talk about a bad movie, but actually I brought you here to tell embarrassing stories about what it's like to share an office with Elliot.

Hallie Haglund

[4:41] When he's eating barbecue, he asked me if it's okay if he takes his shirt off because he doesn't want to get stains on his shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[4:47] I wear an undershirt.

[4:49] It's not like I'm sitting in my office naked from the waist up eating barbecue.

Hallie Haglund

[4:52] One time he farted and he said, excuse me, I farted.

[4:55] I didn't think it would smell this bad.

Elliott Kalan

[4:57] I don't remember that.

Hallie Haglund

[4:58] It happened.

Elliott Kalan

[5:00] I know that and also once I was so mad that I slammed my phone down so hard it broke.

Hallie Haglund

[5:05] Oh, and he broke it.

[5:06] Yeah.

[5:06] Well, he didn't slam it so hard.

[5:08] It didn't break on the first time.

[5:09] He just slammed it down and then slammed it over and over and over again down.

[5:13] And that's what broke it.

Dan McCoy

[5:15] Yeah, no, I'm gratified by any tale of Elliot misbehaving at work because it makes me feel better about my own moodiness.

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] Yeah.

[5:22] Oh, yeah.

[5:22] You're a real troublemaker at work.

[5:24] What with your being quiet and sitting in the corner.

Hallie Haglund

[5:28] And always remaining.

[5:29] So, yeah.

[5:30] I mean, Elliot's got some serious rage issues.

Dan McCoy

[5:33] Yeah.

[5:34] Well, I, you know.

[5:35] It's true.

[5:36] I'm grumpy.

[5:37] I'm not angry.

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] Yeah.

[5:39] That's the difference.

[5:40] If we were dwarves, you'd be grumpy and I'd be angry, who's not really a dwarf.

[5:44] And Hallie would be girly.

[5:46] The girl dwarf.

Hallie Haglund

[5:47] No.

[5:48] That sucks.

[5:49] Again, I'm taking you to task for your sexism.

Elliott Kalan

[5:53] So what dwarf would you be?

Hallie Haglund

[5:54] I'd get grumpy too.

Elliott Kalan

[5:56] You can't have two grumpies.

[5:58] Every dwarf needs a separate personality.

[6:01] I'm cool dwarf.

[6:02] That would be Stuart.

[6:03] And he's not here.

[6:04] What the fuck?

Hallie Haglund

[6:05] Well, you guys get to, what should I be?

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] I don't know.

[6:09] I mean, I already suggested girly.

[6:11] You didn't want to be that.

Hallie Haglund

[6:12] Delightful dwarf.

Dan McCoy

[6:14] Look, you can be sneezy.

[6:15] We can all agree.

[6:16] No.

[6:16] That you're sneezy.

Hallie Haglund

[6:18] I do sneeze.

[6:20] Sometimes.

[6:21] Just to get attention, though.

[6:22] Because I'm so lonely.

[6:24] Because no one will give me a real name.

Dan McCoy

[6:28] So should we...

[6:28] It's like a Munchausen by proxy situation.

[6:30] Except for you're actually just pretending.

[6:32] I'm poisoning myself.

[6:33] You're poisoning yourself.

[6:34] So should we talk about the movie we watched?

Elliott Kalan

[6:36] I don't think so.

Hallie Haglund

[6:38] It really wasn't.

[6:39] I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning.

Elliott Kalan

[6:41] It is not.

[6:42] It never is.

[6:43] Dan, what movie did we watch tonight?

[6:45] We watched a movie called Zookeeper.

[6:47] Not The Zookeeper?

[6:48] No.

[6:49] Just Zookeeper.

[6:51] Because it sounds weird to have a title that's Zookeeper and not The Zookeeper.

[6:55] Because the movie's about a zookeeper, right?

[6:57] It's like Prince.

[6:58] It's really about the occupation of Zookeeper.

Dan McCoy

[7:01] It's really about what it is to be a zookeeper.

[7:03] It should be called Zookeeping?

[7:05] It should be called Zookeeping for Dummies.

[7:07] And who was the star of this film?

[7:09] Mr. K...

[7:10] I guess!

[7:12] Miss Kavina James.

[7:15] Mr. Kevin James.

[7:17] Star of Paul Blart Mall Cop.

[7:19] Which was a previous Flophouse film.

[7:20] Yeah, you weren't there for that.

Elliott Kalan

[7:21] I missed that one.

[7:22] Brock sat in for me.

[7:23] Brock Mahan.

[7:24] Your counterpart.

[7:26] Yeah.

[7:27] I like to call him the Gentile Elliot Kalen.

[7:30] Actually, Dan McCoy is the Gentile Elliot Kalen.

[7:33] Yeah, I'm the Gentile Elliot Kalen.

[7:34] Yes.

[7:36] My healing touch.

[7:37] That's creepy.

[7:40] So Zookeeper, should I mention...

[7:42] Briefly what the plot is?

[7:44] Sure, why not?

[7:45] Zookeeper stars...

Hallie Haglund

[7:46] Don't be fooled by the summary on demand because it's inaccurate.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] Yes, that's true.

[7:53] It stars Kevin James, who you may know as the unelected King of Queens.

[7:58] He was named by God to be the King of Queens.

Hallie Haglund

[8:04] Well, his father was the King of Queens.

[8:06] So it only makes sense.

[8:08] Divine succession.

[8:09] He inherited the title.

[8:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:11] Kevin James is a zookeeper in Boston.

[8:14] I don't know if they actually have a zoo in Boston, but they do in the movie.

Hallie Haglund

[8:19] He...

[8:20] I'm sure.

[8:20] They must have.

[8:21] They have zoos everywhere.

[8:22] Not everywhere.

[8:24] I mean, they have more than one zoo in New York.

Elliott Kalan

[8:27] They have, what, two?

Hallie Haglund

[8:29] They have the Bronx Zoo, Brooklyn Zoo, the one in Central Park.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] Central Park Zoo.

[8:34] Brooklyn Zoo?

[8:34] You mean the Prospect Park Zoo?

[8:35] Yeah.

[8:37] They have three.

[8:38] It's pretty good.

[8:39] I mean, I don't know why you have to fight her on this.

[8:42] She said they have zoos everywhere.

[8:44] It's like, not in this apartment.

Hallie Haglund

[8:45] Where are...

[8:46] I mean, there's a cat here.

[8:47] Dan, you're from the smallest town.

[8:48] Do they have zoos in Eureka?

Dan McCoy

[8:50] The smallest town?

Elliott Kalan

[8:52] You're in the smallest town in the country, Eureka, Illinois.

Dan McCoy

[8:55] No, we don't have a zoo there.

[8:56] There's one in Peoria, which is half an hour away.

[9:00] Fascinating.

Elliott Kalan

[9:00] Anyway, Kevin James plays a zookeeper.

Dan McCoy

[9:02] If you're wondering whether zoos will play in Peoria, the answer is yes.

[9:06] We do.

Elliott Kalan

[9:07] So if anyone wants to open a zoo in Peoria, there is a customer base, but you will have

[9:12] competition.

[9:12] There's already an established zoo there.

[9:15] So Kevin James is a zookeeper in Boston.

[9:18] We open with him riding horseback on the beach with his girlfriend.

[9:22] Who's Leslie Bibb.

[9:23] Leslie Bibb.

[9:24] Lovely.

Hallie Haglund

[9:25] Even lovelier than his wife in King of Queens.

[9:28] It makes even less sense in the King of Queens that he would be with this woman.

Elliott Kalan

[9:33] And Leslie Bibb, ARS to the Bibb Lettuce Fortune.

[9:36] And he proposes to her in a very-

[9:39] To the baby Bibb Fortune.

[9:41] Well, it's weird because you know she got that name because she probably dribbles food

[9:45] down the front of her body all the time.

[9:46] But we don't see it in the movie.

[9:48] They must have had a bib handler.

[9:51] So Leslie Bibb is his girlfriend and he proposes to her on the beach.

[9:56] She says no.

[9:57] It turns out she doesn't want to marry a zookeeper.

[9:59] This is the first instance of anti-zookeeping bigotry we will see from Leslie Bibb throughout

[10:04] the movie.

[10:06] He's heartbroken.

[10:07] Cut to five years later.

[10:09] He's still a zookeeper.

[10:10] He talks to all the animals.

[10:12] Wait a minute.

[10:12] He hasn't learned his lesson?

[10:13] He hasn't learned his lesson.

[10:14] Still a zookeeper.

[10:15] Still loves his job, which was his main failing.

Hallie Haglund

[10:19] And-

[10:20] And has a co-worker, Rosario Dawson.

Elliott Kalan

[10:23] His co-worker, Rosario Dawson, who's a zoo doctor, who for some reason he doesn't seem

[10:29] to realize-

Dan McCoy

[10:30] So doctress would not be the appropriate-

Elliott Kalan

[10:33] Well, there's the old riddle about the lion that's in a car accident.

[10:38] Right.

[10:38] And the doctor says, I can't operate on this lion.

[10:43] It's my son.

[10:44] Uh-huh.

[10:45] And it turns out that the doctor is also a lion.

[10:48] So it's a riddle.

[10:48] I understand.

[10:49] Yeah.

[10:50] How did this lion get through medical school?

[10:53] I mean, there's a lot of backstory.

Hallie Haglund

[10:54] He probably just put on a polo shirt.

[10:56] Yeah.

[10:57] And said it was a costume.

[10:58] This movie shows that-

[10:59] If you saw this movie, you'd get that joke.

[11:01] Well, I'll get to that point.

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] We'll get there.

[11:03] Uh, basically, Rosario, his co-worker is Rosario Dawson, who he doesn't seem to realize

[11:07] is more beautiful than Leslie Bibb.

[11:10] Uh.

Hallie Haglund

[11:10] And way nicer.

[11:11] And loves him for his, what he actually loves to do.

[11:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:14] And likes zoos and animals.

[11:15] Yeah.

[11:16] And she got an offer from, she says, to go, to be, she goes, I got an offer to be at a

[11:20] zoo in Nairobi, in Africa.

[11:23] Which is for the audience, in case they don't know where Nairobi is.

Hallie Haglund

[11:26] Which I think is fair, because most of the audience is like four years old.

Elliott Kalan

[11:29] Yeah.

[11:29] Okay, that's fair.

[11:30] Uh.

[11:31] But he talks to all the animals at the zoo.

[11:33] The animals seem to love him.

[11:35] He's trying to cheer up a depressed gorilla that lives in a basement.

[11:38] Mm-hmm.

[11:39] But he just can't seem to get that gorilla happy.

Hallie Haglund

[11:41] He gets him a big tire.

[11:44] That doesn't do it.

Dan McCoy

[11:45] He makes him popcorn.

[11:46] He gets him like a big giant wiffle golf ball that he suspends from the ceiling.

[11:50] That doesn't do it either.

Elliott Kalan

[11:51] So, but Kevin James' brother is getting married.

[11:55] Okay.

[11:55] And they have a big party to celebrate it at the zoo.

Dan McCoy

[11:59] And also.

[11:59] I hear that it's all happening at the zoo.

[12:01] Now, I do believe it.

[12:02] I do believe that's true.

[12:05] It's a joke about a false sign.

Elliott Kalan

[12:09] Yeah, you can't see, but I'm glaring at Dan right now.

[12:11] Dan likes to state the lyrics of songs as if that's a joke.

[12:15] I do it too, but when I do it, I don't get mad at myself.

[12:20] That's the main difference because I'm a hypocrite.

[12:23] Kevin James gives a very touching speech about porcupines at a party at the zoo for his brother's wedding

[12:29] until he sees that his ex-girlfriend Leslie Bibb is there.

[12:32] Bum, bum, bum.

[12:33] And he starts babbling.

[12:34] He can't talk.

Hallie Haglund

[12:34] Because apparently she was friends with his wife's.

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] With his future daughter's sister-in-law.

[12:40] Yeah.

[12:40] With his brother's fiance.

[12:42] Yeah.

[12:42] And he goes, uh-oh.

[12:45] He's tongue-tied around her.

[12:46] He wants her back.

[12:47] And the animals at the zoo say, we're going to help him.

[12:50] How can they do that?

[12:51] Because animals talk.

[12:53] Now, do the animals have a secret animal language that only animals know?

[12:57] No.

[12:58] What?

[12:58] English.

[12:59] Does Kevin James, like, get hit on the head and suddenly he can hear animals and understand

[13:03] what they mean?

[13:03] No.

[13:04] Now, does he read a book that tells him how to talk to animals?

[13:07] No.

[13:07] Do the animals teach him, like, a certain special code?

[13:10] Like, they're, like, a sign language or some kind of, you know, emotional-based language?

[13:16] No.

[13:17] So how does he talk to the animals?

Hallie Haglund

[13:18] He just starts talking to them.

Elliott Kalan

[13:20] It turns out all animals can talk in perfect English.

[13:23] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[13:23] It turns out they were always holding back in stressful situations.

[13:27] But then at one moment, it was too stressful and a lion just started talking to Kevin James.

Dan McCoy

[13:32] In the voice of Sylvester Stallone.

[13:35] I mean, this also raises a good point.

[13:37] I mean, not only that, like, why haven't animals talked before, but, like, apparently they all

[13:41] talk English, I guess, because they're American animals.

[13:44] I mean.

[13:44] Yeah.

[13:45] I mean, we speak English here.

[13:46] But they come from different countries, I assume.

[13:48] I mean, these are all, like, wild animals from.

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] Some of the animals have a little bit of an accent.

[13:53] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[13:54] But, uh.

[13:55] I mean.

[13:56] Maybe you've got a natural facility for languages in animals.

Elliott Kalan

[13:58] But here's the thing.

[13:59] If animals can talk.

Hallie Haglund

[14:00] Animals are like sponges, okay?

Elliott Kalan

[14:04] Especially the sponges.

[14:04] You can wash a car with them.

Dan McCoy

[14:06] The sponge is very much like a sponge.

Elliott Kalan

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:08] The animal can go.

[14:09] The sponge is really the sponge of the animals.

[14:11] In the same way a wolf is the wolf of the animals.

[14:15] And the echidna is the echidna of the animals.

[14:18] Here's what the dilemma this movie, or the question this movie raised to me.

[14:22] Animals are imprisoned in zoos.

[14:25] They're routinely shot and killed for sport.

[14:27] And people eat them.

[14:29] Or keep them as pets and demean them.

[14:31] Why don't the animals talk?

[14:32] There's one point where an animal says, like,

[14:34] We can always talk, but we don't do it.

[14:35] Because you humans can't handle it.

[14:37] It's like, well, maybe if you talked, we wouldn't kill you so much.

Hallie Haglund

[14:41] Thank you for going out of your way to protect our emotions.

Dan McCoy

[14:47] You know why the humans can't handle it?

[14:49] It's because you talk so rarely.

[14:51] If you talk all the time.

[14:53] Yeah.

[14:53] I think humans would get used to it.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] You know, as a lion cub, I was ripped from my mother's womb.

[14:57] And then they shot her to death.

[14:59] Then I was taken and raised by humans in a 10 foot by 10 foot enclosure.

[15:04] And humans gawk at me and throw peanuts at me.

[15:07] And I'm going to die here.

Hallie Haglund

[15:08] And we'd probably feel a lot worse about doing that.

[15:11] We'd probably think differently about animals.

[15:12] If the animals could talk.

[15:13] If they were talking to us all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[15:14] It's like my mother was killed and I live here in a zoo and I hate it.

[15:18] But you know what?

[15:19] I don't want to stress out these humans.

[15:21] Let's not inconvenience them for a moment.

[15:23] I just won't talk ever.

[15:25] Yeah.

[15:25] So anyway, the animals decide they're going to help him win his love back.

Hallie Haglund

[15:30] But the thing is, I don't really get that.

[15:32] Because it seemed like at first they were kind of worried that she and he were still interested in each other.

[15:38] Because they knew that he would leave the zoo if they got together.

Elliott Kalan

[15:41] Because she hates zookeepers.

[15:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:43] Yeah.

[15:43] But I don't, well.

[15:44] The common hatred of zookeepers that all women share.

[15:49] The one career path that women are like, this is a dead end.

[15:53] You are a slob.

[15:54] You're like, oh, caring for all these animals.

[15:56] Oh, if there's one thing I hate, it's a man who can show love for animals.

Elliott Kalan

[16:00] Because women hate animals.

[16:01] Yeah.

[16:01] Well, becoming a zookeeper is a lot like becoming one of the Night Watch or whatever they're called.

[16:06] The Wall Watchers in the Game of Thrones series.

[16:09] You just say goodbye to your family, to the idea of children or women.

[16:12] You are just in the brotherhood of zookeepers now.

[16:14] You're married to the zoo.

[16:14] Yeah.

[16:14] The zoo is your family now.

[16:17] So the animals decide they're going to teach him the animal ways of becoming, of mating with people.

[16:22] And all the animals talk in like sassy ways.

[16:24] Like they're all really sassy.

[16:26] But, so like the bears.

Hallie Haglund

[16:28] They're all basically just trying to imitate black people.

Elliott Kalan

[16:31] Yeah, basically.

[16:32] And it could be, as I was saying when we were watching the movie, it could be seen as kind of racist that the animals all have these very ethnic accents.

[16:40] And it's like, yep, ethnic people are like animals.

[16:43] And white people like Kevin James are humans.

[16:46] But, uh...

Dan McCoy

[16:47] And the ethnic people are just there to help the whites.

Elliott Kalan

[16:50] Yeah.

[16:50] It's like, you know, it's like, you know, Bagger Vance or something.

[16:53] But, uh...

[16:55] But an animal version.

[16:56] I'm not calling Bagger Vance an animal.

[16:57] Except for a golf animal.

[16:59] Mm-hmm.

[17:00] Just a guy...

[17:00] The original golf animal.

[17:03] But most of the lessons that Kevin James gets taught...

[17:06] A ganimal.

[17:06] Make him...

[17:07] A ganimal.

[17:09] A golf animal.

[17:10] A golf animal.

[17:10] Okay.

[17:14] Ganimal.

[17:16] A golf...

[17:16] It's like manimal, but he also plays golf in his off-time.

[17:20] It's a terrible television show.

[17:21] It's a man who can turn into an animal that can also play golf.

[17:25] Or a man who can turn into a golf club, I guess.

[17:27] I don't know why animal is in the title.

[17:29] But, uh...

[17:31] He...

[17:31] The ways they teach him how to act like an animal mainly make him look stupid in front of other people.

[17:35] Like the bears teach him to walk around and yell a lot.

[17:38] And a wolf teaches him to pee on things.

[17:40] Mm-hmm.

[17:40] And stuff like that.

[17:41] Which...

Hallie Haglund

[17:42] And like a bullfrog teaches him to squat and blow up his neck.

[17:47] But he has to be a total fucking idiot to, like...

[17:50] Think that these are gonna be effective.

Dan McCoy

[17:52] To apply these lessons in actual life.

[17:54] Which he does.

Hallie Haglund

[17:55] I mean, he's at...

[17:55] Yeah.

[17:56] He's at, uh...

[17:57] The...

[17:58] What is it?

[17:58] The engagement...

[17:59] The second engagement party?

Elliott Kalan

[18:01] This wedding has a lot of events.

[18:02] There's a big party at the zoo.

[18:04] Then there's a banquet party.

Hallie Haglund

[18:06] There's a party at the restaurant where he pees in the potted plant.

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] He pees in the potted plant and the maitre d' says, sir, do you not see there's a bathroom 20 feet away?

[18:14] And he goes, yeah, well, I do.

[18:16] Whatever.

[18:16] And the manager's like...

[18:18] Maitre d' is like, all right.

[18:19] Well, enjoy your night.

[18:19] And that was just to clarify.

Hallie Haglund

[18:21] That was because the wolf had just taught him to pee.

[18:25] And he...

[18:26] That was like a way of drawing Leslie bid to him.

Elliott Kalan

[18:29] And also, he does this in a room full of people in a restaurant.

[18:32] No one seems to care or notice.

Dan McCoy

[18:33] This is a catered event, guys.

[18:35] Like, the customer is always right in this situation.

[18:37] I don't think so.

[18:38] It's not like you did in the middle of an actual, like, just regular restaurant.

[18:42] You know, like, these are people who have been hired to attend your every whim.

Elliott Kalan

[18:46] So when you hire caterers or you rent at a ruined restaurant, it's just anything goes?

Dan McCoy

[18:50] Yeah, sometimes I hire caterers just to pee in front of them.

[18:53] Really?

[18:54] Just to show my...

[18:55] To assert my dominance.

[18:56] Like, you've got to sit here and watch this.

Elliott Kalan

[18:58] I'm paying you.

[18:59] You're going to see me pee.

Hallie Haglund

[19:00] But theoretically, wouldn't all the caterers then fall in love with you?

[19:04] I mean, according to the wolf's lesson.

Elliott Kalan

[19:06] No, because it doesn't work quite right.

[19:08] Also, it turns out Leslie Bibb has a boyfriend, the puffy Joe Rogan, who is super competitive.

Hallie Haglund

[19:14] He kind of looked like Boris from Rocky and Bullwing.

[19:19] Like, his face is so fucked up now.

Dan McCoy

[19:23] Joe Rogan...

[19:24] Yeah, I mean, you know, Joe Rogan, you know, let's not...

Hallie Haglund

[19:27] Are you afraid he's listening?

Dan McCoy

[19:28] I mean, I don't want to attack him needlessly.

[19:30] I mean, I enjoyed him in news radio.

[19:33] You know, he seems like a...

[19:34] He was great in news radio.

Elliott Kalan

[19:34] He was much better looking then.

[19:36] Frankly, he's not bad here.

[19:37] Like, he's playing the part of, like, the over-aggressive jerk, and he does it well.

Dan McCoy

[19:41] But his face has puffed up significantly.

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] Yeah, at first I thought I had misidentified someone as Joe Rogan, but it turned out to be Joe Rogan.

Dan McCoy

[19:49] As I said as we were watching, he looks like a villain in a Guy Ritchie movie now.

[19:53] He's got that gin-soaked sort of face.

[19:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:57] He should be hiring Jason Statham to rob a bank.

[20:00] Yeah.

[20:02] So...

[20:03] But not bad.

[20:04] These animal rules are not really working so well until the end.

[20:11] But in the meantime, he's, like, pretending to go out with Rosario Dawson at the actual wedding.

[20:15] They have a good time together.

[20:17] But he calls...

[20:19] Oh, I forgot to say also that he took the gorilla to TGI Fridays.

[20:23] But that's a very pivotal scene.

[20:25] That's a pivotal...

[20:26] But I think we should return to that, because that is a key moment.

[20:29] Okay.

[20:29] He...

[20:30] The lion tells him on the phone that he should alternate being a jerk or a nice guy to Leslie

[20:36] Bibb.

Hallie Haglund

[20:36] I miss that scene.

[20:38] I thought he was really just acting crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] No, the lion told him to do that.

[20:41] Oh, okay.

[20:42] So he does that.

[20:43] He does act crazy.

[20:44] He comes off as a total asshole, but Leslie Bibb loves it.

[20:48] He just...

[20:48] He starts changing into a different person.

Dan McCoy

[20:50] Yeah, but that's the thing.

[20:50] It's less the secret and more like he's just, like, an erratic sort of drug addict all of

[20:55] a sudden or something.

Elliott Kalan

[20:56] Yeah, he suddenly starts insulting everybody.

[20:58] He changes his personality from moment to moment.

[21:00] He says things that don't make sense, and he quits his job at the zoo and takes up at

[21:05] his brother's luxury car dealership.

Hallie Haglund

[21:07] Oh, wait, but I have a question again about the scene at the wedding.

[21:12] Yeah.

[21:12] Remember when he called her hammer thumbs?

[21:15] Yeah.

[21:15] Was that a reference to something that happened earlier in the movie, or were we just supposed

[21:19] to know that she was really self-conscious about her thumbs?

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] He was just being needlessly cruel to her.

[21:23] He was just thinking of insults.

Hallie Haglund

[21:25] And that was the only thing he could insult because she's gorgeous.

Dan McCoy

[21:26] She was holding something at the time.

[21:29] Yeah.

[21:29] So I think he was like, oh, I'm seeing your thumbs.

[21:33] Hammer thumbs.

Elliott Kalan

[21:34] This is after he's had a lot of fun with Rosario Dawson swinging around on Cirque du

[21:38] Soleil banners at the wedding, which involved him smashing into the bride eventually in an

[21:45] ice sculpture.

[21:45] And his brother's like, no, the bride's fine.

[21:48] It's like this huge man slammed into her legs.

[21:51] But I guess it's basically a cartoon, this movie.

[21:54] So at this point, Kevin James has become insane and is very erratic and talks in a weird

[21:59] way and dresses in like a black suit.

[22:01] And we were saying that while we're watching it, like they must have cut out a scene where

[22:05] he's just sniffing.

[22:06] He's just snorting so much coke up his nose.

[22:08] Rails of coke.

[22:08] He basically turns into a coke addict.

[22:10] Like it's the scene.

[22:11] What is it?

[22:12] Is it Carlito's way where Sean Penn just sticks his head in like a huge mound of coke?

[22:16] Like that's what I imagine.

[22:19] It was a family film, so they can't show that.

[22:21] Long story short.

[22:22] Just imply it.

[22:23] Kevin James goes to the zoo.

[22:24] He's already working at his brother's car dealership.

[22:26] Yeah.

[22:27] Goes to the zoo.

Hallie Haglund

[22:27] It must have been for like some time.

[22:29] At least a day.

[22:30] Because he's already established that like he's the shark at the car dealership.

[22:35] Like he makes all the deals.

Elliott Kalan

[22:36] And he uses the things the animals taught him to like be the alpha male at the car dealership.

[22:41] But he goes to the zoo and he says to Rosario Dawson, I would want you to be the first one

[22:45] I'm leaving the zoo.

[22:46] Now he's already in a suit having just come from work.

[22:50] So did he just keep calling him sick every day?

Dan McCoy

[22:53] Hallie pointed out that the timeline of this is very fucked up.

[22:57] Because we see him making like real shark deals at the car dealership.

[23:04] And then he shows up back at the zoo saying like, oh, I'm sorry that I haven't told you.

[23:10] I'm going to leave.

[23:11] And then.

[23:11] But then.

[23:12] He goes home.

[23:13] He goes home to Leslie Bibb.

[23:14] They've apparently been living together for like a week.

Hallie Haglund

[23:17] Yeah, they have like a well-established life.

[23:19] You know, they're talking about their plans.

[23:21] They have bought furniture together apparently.

Elliott Kalan

[23:24] They live together.

[23:25] Yeah.

[23:26] And then.

[23:26] It's like.

[23:27] It's almost like the only way it could be more extreme is if he showed up at work and

[23:31] was like, by the way, guys, I'm quitting my job.

[23:34] And then turned to Leslie Bibb and was like, let's go buy grave plots.

[23:38] You know, we're married now, right?

Dan McCoy

[23:40] Well, then later on in the movie, not to jump too far ahead, but once he realizes the error

[23:45] of his ways, he returns to the zoo and he's still wearing a zoo uniform.

[23:49] And apparently he still has this job.

[23:51] I don't know how.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] But the security guard is like, hey, what are you doing over there?

[23:54] You're not supposed to be over there.

[23:55] So it's like he got dressed up in his old uniform.

[23:57] Oh, wait.

Hallie Haglund

[23:58] Was he saying you weren't supposed to be there because he didn't work there anymore?

[24:00] That's what I assume.

[24:01] I thought it was just because it was like an area you weren't supposed to be in.

[24:04] Which is weird because it was the parking lot.

[24:06] Like it's like fine for him to go in the cages of the wild animals.

[24:11] But the parking lot is off limits.

Elliott Kalan

[24:13] The animals are just have the run of the place.

[24:16] They can leave their enclosures whenever they want.

[24:18] Basically, it's like a Montessori zoo.

[24:20] Like it's just very easy for them to get out.

[24:22] And Kevin James just walks around with them all the time.

[24:25] But long story short, he realizes – Kevin James realizes this isn't the person I want to be.

[24:30] Leslie Bibb proposes to him and he turns her down, gives a speech about how this isn't the person I want to be.

Hallie Haglund

[24:36] Gives the same speech that he gave to her five years – or gives the same speech that she gave to him five years ago when she rejected him on the beach.

[24:44] Yeah, a little bit.

[24:45] Yeah.

[24:45] This isn't going to happen.

[24:46] It was verbatim.

[24:47] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[24:48] Yeah.

[24:49] That's true.

[24:50] But then also a couple – I've skipped a couple times when she said something about like, you're really grown.

[24:55] I thought you'd never get rid of that zookeeper stuff.

[24:58] But here you are.

[24:59] Or like, you know what?

[25:00] You've got so much potential.

[25:02] But the zoo thing?

Dan McCoy

[25:04] You really got to put that zookeeper job behind you.

[25:07] That job that I'm pretty sure you need to study like at some sort of veterinary school.

Hallie Haglund

[25:11] Yeah.

[25:11] Like there's one day when they're hanging out and he's – and she's like, I want you to come to – because she's a buyer for sacks.

[25:18] That's what she's – that's her job.

[25:20] And so she's like, I really want you to come to my fashion show tomorrow during the middle of the day.

[25:26] It's really important to me.

[25:28] And like any normal human being, he's like, oh, I've got work at the zoo.

[25:32] And she gets really upset.

[25:33] And she's like, you and the zoo thing.

[25:36] I thought you were past it.

[25:38] It's like, it's a fucking job, lady.

[25:40] Like I have to make money.

[25:42] And then –

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] Like that a woman hates going out with a guy whose job allows her to see animals up close.

[25:49] Like –

Hallie Haglund

[25:50] Or that she's shocked that he has a day job that he has to go to regularly.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] So long story short, he breaks up with her.

[25:58] He finds out Rosario Dawson has accepted the job in Africa.

[26:01] And she's going to the airport tonight.

Hallie Haglund

[26:03] But she was also admitted to another co-worker that she –

[26:06] Has feelings for him.

[26:07] Has feelings for him.

[26:08] Yeah.

[26:09] Which makes even less sense than Leslie Bibb having –

Dan McCoy

[26:11] Another co-worker played by Ken Jeong who has to be in every comedy now that's made.

[26:17] Yeah.

[26:18] And he's like the party guy.

[26:19] Yeah.

[26:19] Wait.

Hallie Haglund

[26:20] So tell me what else he was in.

[26:22] The Hangover movies.

[26:23] The Hangover movies.

Dan McCoy

[26:23] He was the doctor.

[26:25] He was in –

Dan McCoy

[26:25] He was the doctor in Knocked Up.

[26:26] Okay.

[26:26] Yeah.

[26:27] He's in Community now.

Hallie Haglund

[26:29] He's in Community.

[26:30] That's what I'm thinking of.

[26:30] And he's on TalkSoup often to promote Community.

[26:34] And by often, I mean the one episode of TalkSoup I've seen this year.

Elliott Kalan

[26:38] Joel McHale.

[26:39] Co-worker, Joel McHale.

[26:40] He was a real doctor I think before this.

[26:42] They're good friends I think.

Dan McCoy

[26:44] I like to think they're all good friends.

Elliott Kalan

[26:44] Just because we're good friends and we work together doesn't mean everyone who works together is good friends.

[26:48] No.

[26:48] Everyone in Hollywood is good friends.

[26:49] They're not actually.

[26:50] They all like each other.

[26:51] You bought into the hype.

[26:52] It's terrible.

[26:53] They all are parties together.

[26:53] They hate each other.

[26:54] They're all back.

Hallie Haglund

[26:54] Me and Christy Alley are good friends.

[26:56] Wait.

[26:57] What?

[26:57] We're both in Hollywood.

[26:58] I mean I'm in the Hollywood scene.

[27:00] You're in Hollywood East.

[27:02] Hollywood East.

Dan McCoy

[27:04] You mean New York?

[27:06] Hollywood East.

[27:07] We call it Hollywood East in the business.

[27:08] H-E or he.

Hallie Haglund

[27:09] Very different from East Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] We call it helium.

[27:13] For short.

[27:15] So he's got to catch Rosario Dawson.

[27:17] It is beyond.

Hallie Haglund

[27:19] Wait.

[27:19] I have to just clarify something because I'm afraid that there are people who actually pay attention to everything that's said in this podcast.

[27:25] Oh, nobody does that.

Elliott Kalan

[27:26] Most people are driving or cooking or.

[27:28] Or drunk.

[27:29] Or drunk.

Hallie Haglund

[27:29] But you guys have people who document on Wikipedia the things that you said.

[27:34] Well, I threw out a fact that I heard somewhere but I don't know if it's really true.

[27:39] Was that guy actually a doctor before.

Dan McCoy

[27:43] Ken Jeong?

[27:44] Yeah.

[27:44] He was a doctor.

[27:45] He was Judd Apatow's doctor.

Hallie Haglund

[27:47] Right.

[27:47] Okay.

[27:48] So I was right.

Dan McCoy

[27:48] He was a stand-up at the same time but yes, he was a doctor.

[27:53] Oh.

[27:53] Just like our buddy Jubin was a lawyer before getting into the comedy writing.

[27:58] Oh yeah, it's true.

Elliott Kalan

[27:58] Yeah.

[27:59] Yeah.

[27:59] And he never shuts up about it.

[28:01] Oh God.

[28:01] I mean, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Hallie Haglund

[28:03] I mean, habeas corpus.

[28:05] Mm-hmm.

[28:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] Tell me about it.

[28:08] Mostly.

Hallie Haglund

[28:09] I mean.

[28:10] Ritz, am I right?

[28:11] Starry, starry.

[28:13] Now let me.

[28:14] Deus.

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] Let me.

[28:15] We'll get.

[28:15] Later maybe we can talk about how inconceivable it is that Kevin James did not realize that Rosario

[28:20] Dawson is attractive.

[28:22] That seems inconceivable to me but we'll get to that.

[28:25] First of all, let's flash back.

Hallie Haglund

[28:27] They rub dirt on her face so she looks like a bagger.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] They barely even like tie her hair.

[28:33] Like usually in these movies they give you glasses and tie her hair back.

[28:35] Mm-mm.

[28:36] Nothing.

[28:36] I mean she has her hair tied back sometimes.

Hallie Haglund

[28:38] Yeah, but it's extra long and flowing.

Elliott Kalan

[28:40] Yes.

[28:41] But they show her all dressed up for the wedding and he's like, what?

Dan McCoy

[28:46] Oh no, you're too beautiful.

[28:48] Yeah.

[28:48] I never noticed.

[28:50] The worst you see her is in a uniform and let, you know, I don't want to, I don't want

[28:56] to, Hallie, I don't want to let you into the creepy male mind too much.

Elliott Kalan

[29:00] You mean the creepy pervizoid one Dan?

Dan McCoy

[29:02] But, you know, a uniform is a fetish object for a gentleman seeing a pretty attractive woman.

[29:07] Oh, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[29:07] Like, you know, it's not like, you're not like, oh, gross, oh, blue collar work or something.

Dan McCoy

[29:13] You're like, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, some sort of regimented.

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] You should know, Hallie, Dan is pervizoid number one and talks openly about his fetishes

[29:21] in the podcast.

Hallie Haglund

[29:22] I heard Dan makes his wife dress up in a zookeeper's uniform.

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] They have a sex game called Feeding Time.

Dan McCoy

[29:31] Take my temperature, it's called.

Elliott Kalan

[29:33] But anyway.

[29:34] Oh, I don't like that.

[29:37] Too much.

[29:38] And she serves him a pail of wet apples.

Hallie Haglund

[29:42] She gives him a tire swing.

[29:44] And she's like, hey, buddy, you like this?

Elliott Kalan

[29:47] She shoots him with a drank dart.

[29:50] And then undresses him.

Hallie Haglund

[29:51] She hits him with a stick that has a nail on the end.

[29:55] Which brings us to an important plot detail.

Elliott Kalan

[29:57] Okay, let's explain.

[29:59] I mentioned there was a gorilla living in a basement.

[30:02] And that later, the gorilla comes back.

Hallie Haglund

[30:03] And we didn't even, we totally brushed over the fact that Donnie Wahlberg of New Kids on

[30:07] the Block is in this.

[30:09] Is the gorilla keeper.

[30:10] Yeah, I'll tell you.

[30:11] My first concert that I ever went to was New Kids on the Block.

[30:14] And my, how Donnie has fallen.

Dan McCoy

[30:17] Speaking of my wife, you should talk to her.

[30:19] She was a big New Kids on the Block fan.

[30:21] One of her proudest moments as a photo editor was meeting the New Kids.

[30:25] Is that another game you guys play?

[30:27] Yeah.

[30:28] Yep.

[30:28] New Kids on the Bed.

[30:30] Yep.

[30:31] I, you know, I switch out from each new kid.

[30:35] One by one.

[30:37] I don't even know their name.

Elliott Kalan

[30:38] What was their Donnie, Sneezy?

[30:39] Yep.

[30:40] Donnie.

[30:41] Gorgeous George, Gambit.

[30:42] Danny.

[30:43] Professor X.

Hallie Haglund

[30:44] Jordan, John, and Joey.

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] Oh.

[30:47] Michael Valentine Smith.

[30:49] Bilbo Baggins.

[30:53] Eleazar Mordecai.

[30:55] What were their names?

[30:56] Buttercup.

[30:57] Buttercup.

Hallie Haglund

[30:57] Donnie, Danny, Joey, Johnny, Jordan.

Elliott Kalan

[31:00] Those are the most generic names.

[31:02] No, they're not.

[31:03] They should at least be like, you know, Raven Darksword and like Wolf Silverblade.

Hallie Haglund

[31:08] They were like 13 when they started.

[31:10] Eben Shadow Thief.

[31:12] They didn't need a gimmick.

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] The gimmick was they were kids, I guess.

[31:15] Yeah.

[31:15] New Kids.

[31:16] On a block.

[31:17] Not just a block.

[31:19] Anyway.

[31:19] B block.

Dan McCoy

[31:20] Let's wrap it up in a bow and just say that, you know, Rosario Dawson and the gorilla.

Elliott Kalan

[31:25] Oh, the gorilla.

[31:25] The gorilla is what you're talking about.

[31:27] There's a gorilla that lives in a basement.

[31:28] Why?

[31:29] Apparently, everyone thinks he attacked his keeper.

[31:32] Donnie.

[31:32] No.

[31:33] Donnie Walberg, it turns out, has a stick with a nail on it.

[31:35] A stick with a nail on it that he pokes the animals with.

[31:38] He eats animals with.

[31:39] It's amazing.

[31:40] It's like that Simpsons episode.

[31:42] I have a board with a nail on it.

[31:44] And it's amazing how many parallels there are between this movie and Rise, and the much

[31:49] better Rise of the Planet of the Apes in that there's a mistreated gorilla.

Hallie Haglund

[31:52] And yet this preceded it, which means that everything in Rise of the Planet of the Apes was informed

[31:57] by this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[31:58] That Zookeeper, that Rise of the Planet of the Apes is actually a remake of Zookeeper.

[32:01] Yeah.

[32:01] It's a reimagining of Zookeeper.

[32:03] And so Kevin James gets the gorilla to open up.

[32:07] They become friends.

[32:08] The gorilla says, tell me this.

[32:09] Is TGI Fridays as good as it sounds?

[32:11] And then one night.

Hallie Haglund

[32:12] I totally missed that also.

[32:14] I did not really understand why they were at TGI Fridays.

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] Kevin James gives him a polo shirt and says.

Dan McCoy

[32:20] The Apes, for some reason, knows about TGI Fridays and thinks that it sounds great.

[32:23] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[32:24] Do you think Donnie Walberg told him about TGI Fridays?

[32:26] He must have.

[32:26] He's been talking about just eating bloomin' onions.

Dan McCoy

[32:28] Yeah.

[32:28] He's like whacking them, whacking them with the board with the nail on it.

[32:31] He's like, oh, TGI Fridays is so great.

[32:32] I wish you could go there, but you can't.

[32:34] Stupid it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] They got license plates on the walls.

[32:36] You can get French fries.

[32:37] And they go.

[32:39] You're never going to get, you're never going to experience that, ape.

[32:42] And so as a way to get the gorilla.

[32:44] This is for people only.

[32:46] TGI people.

[32:50] TGI FFP.

[32:51] That means thank God it's Friday for people.

[32:54] Only.

[32:54] TGI FFP O.

[32:57] And no gorillas.

[32:58] And there was a man.

[32:58] TGI FFP O.

[33:00] A.

[33:00] N.

[33:00] G.

Hallie Haglund

[33:01] And for a second, there was hope for the gorilla.

[33:03] And he was like, primates?

[33:05] And he was like, no, people!

[33:09] He thought there was a chance.

Elliott Kalan

[33:14] So Kevin James, I guess, to reward the gorilla for being a gorilla.

[33:18] Like, to get him out of his shell.

[33:19] By the way, the gorilla is voiced by Nick Nolte.

[33:20] Let's just say that.

[33:21] Yeah.

[33:21] He puts him in an...

Hallie Haglund

[33:23] Wait.

[33:23] Okay.

[33:24] I just...

[33:24] I haven't even explained what happens.

[33:26] I just want to clarify for you guys that I was totally confusing Nick Nolte while we were

[33:34] watching this movie with Gary...

[33:37] Gary Busey.

[33:38] And I was like, I can't believe he laid down this work.

[33:42] Like, I can't believe...

[33:43] I can't believe he held it together long enough to record.

[33:45] Wore that gorilla costume.

[33:47] This is...

[33:47] Maybe this is a rich fame for him.

[33:49] He doesn't have to...

[33:50] He can show up in his pajamas and just, like, go into the voice booth.

Dan McCoy

[33:53] I mean, that's fair for Nick Nolte also.

Hallie Haglund

[33:55] But now I realize it's Nick Nolte.

Dan McCoy

[33:57] Nick Nolte is also a shambling wreck of a man.

Elliott Kalan

[33:59] Yeah.

[33:59] But not so much as Gary Busey.

[34:00] He's a living warning for every people's sexiest man alive.

[34:03] Bradley Cooper, watch out.

[34:04] You could still turn into Nick Nolte.

[34:06] Wait.

Hallie Haglund

[34:06] Was Nick Nolte a sexiest man alive?

[34:08] Oh, yeah.

[34:09] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[34:09] Back around the time Prince of Tides came out.

Hallie Haglund

[34:11] That's what I was going to ask.

[34:12] Was he the one from Prince of Tides?

[34:13] Yeah.

[34:13] Okay.

[34:14] But that was when...

[34:16] Okay.

[34:16] Go ahead.

Elliott Kalan

[34:16] I mean, that was when the apex of human beauty was Nick Nolte and Barbra Streisand.

Hallie Haglund

[34:20] I feel like ever since I made the Joe Rogan comment and you

[34:23] Diminutive, we're operating under the premise that, like, famous people listen to this show.

[34:28] And every time I'm about to insult someone, I'm, like, backing away from it.

[34:32] Like, I was about to be like, oh, but that's when Barbra Streisand was a sex symbol.

[34:36] And then I was like, oh, no.

[34:37] She probably listens to his podcast.

[34:38] What if Babs hears this?

Elliott Kalan

[34:39] She'll never talk to me again.

Hallie Haglund

[34:41] Babs is probably obsessed with the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[34:43] She's been really updating the wiki a lot.

[34:46] But anyway, so he dresses up the gorilla in an Izod yellow polo shirt, no pants.

[34:52] Yeah, no pants.

[34:53] And they go to...

[34:54] Well, gorillas have those stumpy legs.

[34:56] You'd have to wear, like, shorts for a fat guy.

[34:58] They go to a...

[34:59] Like Hulk shorts.

[35:00] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[35:01] They go to a TGI Fridays where he doesn't even walk upright.

Elliott Kalan

[35:06] First, they drive through town singing along to the Apple Bottom Jeans, Boots with the Fur song.

[35:11] Oh, Boots with the Fur.

Hallie Haglund

[35:12] And that, yeah, and...

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] Which the gorilla knows all the words to somehow.

[35:16] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[35:16] Then, okay.

[35:17] And is a very good dancer.

Elliott Kalan

[35:19] Yeah.

[35:19] They go to TGI Fridays.

[35:21] And, yeah, and he's still walking around like a gorilla.

[35:24] And they say, well, just tell everyone you're a guy in a suit.

[35:27] We came from a costume party.

[35:29] Everyone buys this.

[35:31] This amazingly realistic gorilla suit where the mouth moves and he has a tongue and everything.

[35:36] So, then there's just, like...

Dan McCoy

[35:37] They're also not suspicious when he orders 30 oranges for his dinner.

Elliott Kalan

[35:41] His order is 30 oranges.

[35:42] And then there's, like, a four-minute montage of them just having a great time at TGI Fridays.

[35:47] Yeah.

[35:47] They're dancing with women because apparently this TGI Fridays has a dance floor.

[35:51] He's holding the guitar.

Hallie Haglund

[35:52] There's a guitar that they break over the bar at some point.

Elliott Kalan

[35:55] They play pool, which I've also never seen in a TGI Fridays.

Dan McCoy

[35:59] The gorilla holds up, like, eight of the TGI Fridays waitresses.

[36:02] I think...

[36:03] And he's using his gorilla strength.

Hallie Haglund

[36:04] And then drops them on the floor.

Elliott Kalan

[36:06] And the last thing you see when they're at TGI Fridays is a woman slow dancing with the gorilla.

[36:11] And she goes, I'm so glad I met you.

[36:13] And Kevin James gives the gorilla, like, a, yeah, way to go.

Dan McCoy

[36:16] Yeah, the gorilla gives Kevin James a thumbs up.

[36:18] And it's like, wait, Kevin James, aren't you disturbed by the implications here?

[36:22] Like, this woman, you know, maybe wants to take this gorilla home tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] It is...

Hallie Haglund

[36:29] Like, how far are you going to let this go?

Elliott Kalan

[36:31] But it's like, it's the TGI Fridays you only see in TGI Fridays commercials, where it's like a bunch of people who just got off work, like, partying, as opposed to what you really see, which is like a bunch of people buying cheap ribs.

[36:42] Yeah.

[36:42] You know, with their families.

[36:44] Some margaritas.

[36:46] Anywho, so I didn't mean to bring it down.

[36:48] But it's this bizarre little scene in the middle.

[36:50] It's almost, that might be the moment when the movie gets super crazy.

[36:53] Yeah.

[36:54] And every scene after that is Kevin James being crazy.

[36:57] I think it was The Onion that said this movie might be about a zookeeper who loses his mind and thinks animals are talking to him.

[37:04] But anyway, at the end, Rosario Dawson's going to go to the airport.

[37:08] They have to get to her.

[37:09] The gorilla and him, he at first jumps on the back of an ostrich to ride that to Rosario Dawson.

[37:14] But of course, he crushes the ostrich and it, I guess, dies.

[37:18] But the gorilla goes with him.

Dan McCoy

[37:21] Well, we never saw that ostrich before in the movie, so it doesn't matter.

Elliott Kalan

[37:24] We don't care about that ostrich.

[37:25] That ostrich is expendable.

[37:27] That ostrich may have been a visitor at the zoo.

[37:30] He was just there to see the animals.

[37:33] The gorilla helps him get to Rosario Dawson by first kayaking him to the bridge across, I think, the Charles River.

Hallie Haglund

[37:40] No, they did, first driving him.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] Well, first they're driving in a van.

Hallie Haglund

[37:44] Well, first they decide they're driving in a van, but it somehow makes more sense that the gorilla will drive.

[37:50] The gorilla.

[37:50] Rather than the person.

Elliott Kalan

[37:51] And he immediately crashes the van into a car.

[37:54] They switch places.

[37:55] They get to a traffic jam, and they're like, oh, no.

[37:58] So the gorilla hurls Kevin James over a fence.

[38:01] Then they get into a kayak.

[38:03] They're swimming in the water.

[38:04] No, they're not swimming.

[38:05] Oh, they're in the kayak.

[38:06] They're kayaking.

[38:06] Then the gorilla climbs up the side of this bridge with Kevin James on his back.

[38:11] And again, it's just like Rise of the Planet of the Apes where the gorilla is going to be on a bridge.

[38:14] And you're like, no, gorilla, you're going to die.

[38:16] This is terrible.

[38:17] You're going to take down a helicopter.

[38:20] It's going to be awesome.

[38:21] Trust me.

[38:22] But you shouldn't do it.

Hallie Haglund

[38:24] But instead of stopping when they're climbing on the bridge, instead of stopping at the level that the cars are where Kevin James could very safely and easily intercept the traffic jam where Rosario Dawson is stuck in, they climb to the top of the arc as Kevin James is hanging on the gorilla's back.

[38:43] And the gorilla gives him a pep talk about, like, just be yourself.

[38:47] And then makes him fall 50 feet onto the taxi.

Elliott Kalan

[38:52] And he says to Rosario Dawson, when eagles mate for life, this is a callback to something else, they blah, blah, blah.

[38:59] They cartwheel.

[39:00] And they kiss.

[39:01] And then the gorilla.

[39:01] No, they link claws.

[39:03] They link talons.

[39:04] I mean, that was what the blah, blah, blah was for.

[39:06] You said they kiss.

[39:07] Kevin James, Rosario Dawson kiss.

[39:09] Oh, okay.

[39:10] Did they kiss?

[39:11] They totally did.

[39:12] Yeah, I do think they kissed.

[39:13] That's how you show you're in love with someone in a movie.

[39:15] The gorilla falls and slams into a hood in the car.

[39:18] And in life, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[39:18] I don't know what you do with your wife, but you.

[39:20] They just lock down.

[39:21] In general.

[39:22] We lock talons and go into a death spiral.

Elliott Kalan

[39:24] And then we pick up a vole or a field mouse and just eat that.

[39:28] Eventually we.

[39:28] And then you regurgitate the.

[39:29] The pellet.

[39:29] Yeah.

[39:30] Sure.

[39:30] With the fur and the bones.

[39:31] And then, like, we donate that to a science class and they pick it apart.

[39:36] You know, romance.

[39:38] You know, love.

[39:40] The gorilla drops onto the hood of the car.

[39:43] He's okay, I guess.

[39:44] And Rosario Dawson and Kevin James are like, we should get him back to the zoo.

[39:48] Because Kevin James' very lax animal care policy does not bother Dr. Rosario Dawson at all.

[39:55] And I guess.

[39:56] And then they're at the zoo and everyone's happy again.

[39:59] And that's it.

[40:00] The end.

[40:01] The end.

[40:01] And then over the credits, the animals all sing along to more than a feeling.

[40:07] Which was.

[40:07] And maybe the worst thing ever.

Hallie Haglund

[40:08] Well, the only part that was fun about it was when Cher had a measure.

[40:13] Because, you know.

[40:14] She can sing.

[40:15] It was funny to hear Cher sing.

[40:17] Oh, yeah.

[40:17] Cher was one of the lions also.

[40:19] Oh, yeah.

[40:19] I thought it was the girl from Star Wars.

Dan McCoy

[40:23] Yeah, we didn't go through.

[40:24] Carrie Fisher.

[40:24] I mean, like, there were.

[40:25] I mean, we mentioned some of them.

[40:27] Big name voice stars.

[40:28] Adam Sandler.

[40:29] Adam Sandler was a monkey.

[40:30] Sylvester Stallone.

Elliott Kalan

[40:31] Jon Favreau was one of the bears.

[40:34] Judd Apatow as an elephant.

[40:36] Although he sounded more like.

[40:38] Maya Rudolph was a giraffe.

[40:40] Oh, yeah.

[40:40] Maya Rudolph was a giraffe.

[40:42] It sounded like Maya Rudolph with a cold was a giraffe.

[40:45] Well, is Maya Rudolph doing a terrible, terrible ethnic stereotype?

Dan McCoy

[40:49] I mean, to be fair.

Hallie Haglund

[40:50] Like, Maya Rudolph is half black, isn't she?

[40:53] So.

Dan McCoy

[40:54] So it's okay that she's doing a terrible stereotype?

Elliott Kalan

[40:56] I mean, yeah.

[40:56] And she gets her insurance from Aflac.

[40:58] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[41:00] She drives a half track.

[41:02] Big, big, big, big star Jim Brewer was the crow.

Elliott Kalan

[41:05] Yeah, well, how amazing would that have been if he was the crow?

[41:09] Like Brandon Lee, the crow.

[41:12] Resurrected.

[41:12] I mean the character, not.

[41:14] All right.

[41:15] And also, uh, and I guess Judd Apatow was doing like a Eugene Merman impression as the elephant.

Dan McCoy

[41:22] Yeah, I don't know what he was doing.

[41:23] It was terrible.

[41:25] And the best voice actor, as I said, was Sylvester Stallone, which is sort of surprising.

[41:30] But I mean, I think that I, you know, like I committed to it.

Elliott Kalan

[41:33] I thought Cher was a convincing lioness.

[41:34] But she had no emotion.

[41:35] She sounded dead.

[41:37] You know, it was like.

Hallie Haglund

[41:38] That's because obviously as a partner, Sylvester Stallone had failed her so much.

[41:43] All of her lines were about like, all he did was sleep all day.

[41:47] Yeah, what a bad husband he was.

Dan McCoy

[41:48] I mean, I think the thing, like the reason that Sylvester Stallone was actually good was he just approached it as any other role.

[41:53] Where he was just like, okay, yeah, I'm a lion.

[41:55] I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'll just play this part.

[41:57] Whereas everyone else was just like, I'm gonna do like irritating voices.

[42:00] They did very irritating voices.

Hallie Haglund

[42:02] I think maybe they thought they were being cartoon animals rather than real animals.

[42:06] Because that would have made much more sense, I feel like.

Elliott Kalan

[42:09] I think also Sylvester Stallone, I met this when we were watching the movie, like has struggled with making his voice comprehensible.

[42:17] Like, he can't move his mouth entirely.

[42:21] So it's like, he is, everyone else is just like, I can talk like whatever.

[42:25] I'll just talk into a crazy voice.

[42:26] Well, Sylvester Stallone, I think when he talks, thinks about, am I coherent?

[42:30] Like, what am I getting across?

[42:32] You know.

[42:33] Just speaking is a, is a triumph for him.

Hallie Haglund

[42:36] I think we should have watched Oscar.

[42:38] Remember that movie?

[42:39] Yeah, that's his big comedy hit.

[42:42] I love that.

[42:43] I think I saw that like three times in the theater.

Dan McCoy

[42:47] Okay, well we gotta.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] I think you were the only person who saw it at all in the theater, maybe.

Dan McCoy

[42:50] We gotta wrap this up.

[42:52] We've actually been going long.

[42:53] Oh.

[42:54] So we wrap it up with Hallie.

[42:55] We make our final judgments.

[42:57] Was this a good, bad movie?

Elliott Kalan

[42:58] Was this scarifyingly awesome?

[43:00] No, no, no.

[43:01] Stupidly scary.

Dan McCoy

[43:01] We're out of, we're out of shock to over.

[43:03] Or scary dumb?

[43:04] No, no.

[43:05] Is this a good, bad movie?

[43:06] A bad, bad movie?

[43:08] Or a movie we actually kind of liked?

[43:10] Hallie, I'm gonna go to you first.

[43:12] Oof, this is hard.

Elliott Kalan

[43:13] You know what?

[43:13] Really, this was a bad, bad movie, but there are, it was, it went so off the rails at times

[43:20] that I'm gonna call it a movie I actually kind of liked.

[43:24] Not, I mean, it wasn't good.

[43:25] It was really bad.

[43:26] And I didn't enjoy it, but I did admire the fact that it made no sense.

[43:32] And I feel like if this was a movie that was made in the 30s,

[43:35] I'd be more willing to overlook its faults and enjoy how ridiculous, how ridiculously nonsensical

[43:41] it is.

[43:41] So I'm gonna go, I'm gonna be very generous with it.

Dan McCoy

[43:46] Yeah, I'm gonna go halfway between a good, bad and movie I kind of liked.

[43:51] Because, like, the thing is, like.

[43:53] I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.

[43:55] I would not, no.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] God knows I would not recommend it.

[43:57] And even though it's like, it's a family movie, there's a lot of, like, it's not a good family

[44:01] movie.

[44:01] There's a ton of, like, sex jokes.

Hallie Haglund

[44:03] It's very confusing for children.

[44:05] And it might encourage your child to jump into an animal's cage at the zoo.

Elliott Kalan

[44:08] Yeah, and just start rapping with it.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] But there's, I mean, like, there's weird stuff that I laughed at.

[44:12] Like, I genuinely laughed.

[44:13] I mean, like, Kevin James is doing his damnedest to make this work.

[44:16] And it's a weird movie where, like.

[44:18] He really tries to sell those crappy jokes.

[44:20] Yeah.

[44:20] And this is a movie about talking animals that really wishes it was not about talking animals.

[44:26] Like, they really don't play the talking animals.

[44:28] The last third of the movie has almost no talking animals in it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:30] And that's when it gets really good.

[44:32] Yeah.

[44:32] It's funniest when it's not about talking animals.

[44:34] Because then it's just.

[44:35] Kevin James should do a movie, like, where he is a crazy schizophrenic guy.

[44:40] Wasn't that the Mall Cop movie?

[44:41] No, that was To Serve and Protect the other Mall Cop movie.

[44:45] Observe and Report.

[44:45] Whatever.

[44:46] The Seth Rogen Mall Cop movie where he was, like, crazy.

[44:49] Oh.

[44:50] And Paul Blart, he was just clumsy.

[44:51] Oh.

[44:52] Hallie, where are you going?

[44:53] They should have been called Paul Blart Zookeeper.

Hallie Haglund

[44:56] I thought.

[44:58] I didn't really enjoy it for much of the movie.

[45:01] But I did like when it got so weird that I was engaged because I was trying to understand what was going on.

[45:07] And I liked that it had really famous people who were involved with it so that I could judge them.

[45:13] You know, if it were a bunch of nobodies and it were a bad movie, that would be a waste of time.

[45:17] But when it's a bunch of successful people failing, that gives me some satisfaction.

[45:21] Makes you feel kind of good.

[45:22] Yeah.

[45:24] So I'd say it's, you know, I wouldn't recommend anyone seeing it, but it's, like, good, bad.

Elliott Kalan

[45:30] It's like, don't go see this, but don't burn every print in existence.

[45:33] Right.

[45:34] Where we've seen movies where...

Hallie Haglund

[45:35] It's like, if Dan pays for it on pay-per-view, watch it.

Dan McCoy

[45:39] That is a very specific...

[45:42] I don't know what that is.

[45:42] But don't offer to chip it.

[45:45] Count on that.

Elliott Kalan

[45:48] So...

[45:48] And it looks great in HD.

[45:50] For some reason.

Hallie Haglund

[45:53] So we're...

[45:53] And I will say, Kevin James.

[45:55] Looking great these days.

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] He's really slimmed down.

[45:59] He really has.

Dan McCoy

[46:00] We're running a little long, so I'm gonna...

[46:02] I'm gonna do only a couple of letters.

[46:04] No!

[46:05] Sorry.

[46:06] So, this first one says...

[46:09] This one's from...

[46:11] You're taking up time with your us.

[46:13] Sorry.

[46:14] Anthony J. Drexel Biddle.

Hallie Haglund

[46:17] I know him.

[46:18] Just kidding.

Dan McCoy

[46:19] Last name with help?

[46:20] Well, he bills himself as the fightinest millionaire.

[46:23] Okay.

[46:24] So...

[46:24] So he's rich.

[46:26] This email is titled, AttentionBullyE.

[46:30] And it says, Hey, Squirt.

[46:32] Yes, I mean you, Elliot Kalin.

[46:33] Whoa!

[46:34] It has come to my attention that you are suffering the ogre-ish attention of one John Hodgman.

[46:39] True.

[46:40] Now, I have been a long-time listener to your podcast, which is quite good, by the way.

[46:43] Pat yourselves on the back.

[46:44] Wait, not you, Dan.

[46:45] No you...

[46:45] Nor you, Stuart.

[46:47] Why do I withhold my proxy, Bat-Pats?

[46:50] Because you have failed in your duty as friends and comrades to protect Elliot's person and honor.

[46:56] Were you not aware that in Middle Eastern culture a blow from a person's shoes was the lowest of insults?

[47:01] Are you ignorant of the principle that in robbing Elliot of his Iron Man figures, Hodgman robs Kalin of his Iron Manhood?

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] I see.

[47:08] This is a reference to...

[47:09] Poor shame.

[47:10] John, in a recent AV Club interview, John Hodgman revealed to the world that he bullies me and once threw his shoes at me, which is true, and stole Iron Man memorabilia off my desk, which is also true.

Hallie Haglund

[47:20] I was there.

[47:21] I let him do it.

[47:22] I remember.

Elliott Kalan

[47:22] Yeah, you stepped by and said nothing.

[47:25] First, Hodgman came for Elliot's stuff.

[47:27] I said nothing.

[47:27] Then he came for Elliot, and I said nothing because I was not Elliot.

[47:30] Then when he came for me and there was no one left.

Hallie Haglund

[47:32] I don't think he'd be interested in coming for me.

[47:34] I wasn't worried.

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] He continues.

[47:38] Since I see the...

[47:39] This is also...

[47:40] This is an interview about John Hodgman's new book, which is very funny, and it opened with...

[47:45] That's the name of the book.

[47:46] Yes.

[47:47] It was an interview about his book, which opened with two questions about a movie screening series I host and him bullying me.

[47:53] Yeah.

[47:54] Didn't make sense, but it was good.

Dan McCoy

[47:56] No, no.

[47:56] It was good publicity for the Elliot Kalin brand.

[47:59] Yeah.

[48:00] Got to get it out there.

[48:01] But no, he continues.

[48:02] He says, since I see the infamous Monsieur Hodgman promenading on the Onion Navy Club, even as Dan speaks, clearly you have not taken the necessary action to right these wrongs.

[48:14] Wrongs?

[48:15] Nay, these injustices cry to the heavens for re-justicin'.

[48:19] So it falls to me.

[48:21] I shall become the re-justiner.

[48:25] Frank Castle witnessed his family gunned down by mobsters.

[48:28] I also witnessed Frank Castle's family gunned down by mobsters.

[48:31] At least thrice in various movies and comic book adaptations.

[48:34] Yeah, I've seen that a lot of times.

[48:35] So clearly my super heroic bona fides are watertight.

[48:39] Now it only falls to you, Mr. Kalin, to let your wishes be known.

[48:42] How shall the deed be done?

[48:44] Shall I second you in a duel?

[48:46] Play some harmless prank?

[48:48] Gun him down ruthlessly?

[48:49] No.

[48:49] Kneel behind him while you administer a sharp push from afore him?

[48:53] Better, but probably not.

[48:54] Administer the Hong Kong cocktail?

[48:56] No.

[48:57] Please consider carefully because my initial adventures will plot the course for all future readjustings.

[49:01] I await your instructions with anticipation.

[49:05] You're pal.

Elliott Kalan

[49:07] Well, thank you very much, Fightin' This Millionaire.

[49:09] At the moment, I'm going to have to ask you to stand down and not take action, but I will let you know when the time is right to reap our revenge on one Jonathan Hodgman.

[49:18] I appreciate your support.

[49:21] And thank you for writing in.

Dan McCoy

[49:23] This is from John from Omaha.

[49:26] John Hodgman?

[49:27] No.

[49:29] It's titled...

[49:29] John's last name was held.

[49:32] It's titled, Overrated Directors.

[49:35] Does it ever annoy you when you see a movie you thought was alright, but critics overpraise it and or the director?

[49:40] I'm thinking of Seinfeld's own Elaine Bennis going insane when she feels she's the only person who hated the English patient.

[49:47] A recent example, people comparing Jason Reitman to Billy Wilder after just three movies.

[49:52] Yeah, that's garbage.

[49:54] I don't think Jason Reitman is a horrible director.

[49:56] I thought Up in the Air was an okay addition to the white people with problems genre.

[49:59] Very mediocre.

[50:00] But would you really place it or his other two movies next to The Apartment?

[50:04] No.

[50:04] Do you guys have your own examples of directors of recent movies that don't merit the accolades heaped on them?

[50:10] Please don't select Paul Haggis or Dennis Dugan.

[50:12] They obviously deserve all the praise from Cahey DuCinema.

[50:17] Thanks for the laughs.

[50:18] Dan, why don't you start off the intro on this one?

[50:20] Because I don't have one at the ready.

[50:23] Allie, is there a director that you think is...

Hallie Haglund

[50:25] No, I don't know anything about movies.

Dan McCoy

[50:31] Do you want to say something about horses?

[50:32] You have horses on your t-shirt that you're wearing.

[50:36] Maybe while we're thinking...

Hallie Haglund

[50:38] I'll come back to...

[50:39] Elliot, you field the director's question.

Elliott Kalan

[50:41] I mean, I feel like nowadays almost every director is overrated to a certain extent.

[50:45] The superlatives just get thrown around so easily when a commercial can just label someone who's made two American movies and a crap load of Hong Kong movies as a visionary director.

Hallie Haglund

[50:57] What about Clint Eastwood?

[51:00] I love Clint Eastwood, but I feel like I'm annoyed that every time he makes a movie it has to be like the great mythic American movie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:07] And they're not...

[51:08] They're usually fairly mediocre nowadays.

[51:10] I think a lot of like up in the air...

[51:12] Like Jason Reitman gets compared to Billy Wilder because they're just looking for something.

[51:17] Some guy who made similar types of movies that were like comedies that had heart in them.

[51:22] But it's...

[51:24] I think, you know, it just doesn't match up in quality.

[51:28] I think...

[51:29] This is kind of a disjointed answer.

[51:32] I mean, standards have fallen very far in terms of moviemaking in the United States and elsewhere.

[51:38] So people have kind of lost their ability to tell really great stuff from not.

[51:43] The fact that when Return of the King came out, there was a quote in the commercial.

[51:48] And commercial quotes are garbage anyway.

[51:49] Like they have this quote on the Descendants commercial now where it says, an American masterpiece.

[51:55] It's like...

[51:56] Like that's stupid.

[51:57] Doesn't make...

[51:58] I hate when they put American before stuff like that.

[52:00] But the Return of the King quote in the commercial said, never has a director aimed higher or achieved more.

[52:06] It's like, do you mean more just fucking guys running at each other with swords on the screen at once?

[52:11] More orcs?

[52:11] Like more orcs?

[52:12] Because many directors have aimed higher and achieved more.

[52:15] Like Woody Allen never had any huge battle scenes in his movies except for Love and Death.

[52:20] But he aimed higher and achieved more than, you know, Peter Jackson, who I like a lot, did.

[52:25] You know, I feel like everybody gets hyped up too much these days.

Dan McCoy

[52:28] I feel like it's a shame that he pulled Paul Haggis from the consideration because I feel like that's the ideal kind of...

Elliott Kalan

[52:34] Except I think it's just very easy to criticize Paul Haggis.

Dan McCoy

[52:38] All right.

[52:38] Well, I mean, we've criticized Ridley Scott before, but I don't understand why he...

Elliott Kalan

[52:43] Why he's considered like a master filmmaker?

[52:45] Yeah, he seems to get a free pass.

[52:47] He's been coasting on kind of his early science fiction movies for a long time.

[52:52] Yeah.

[52:54] Steven Spielberg, you think?

[52:56] Hallie's saying Spielberg, and you know what?

Dan McCoy

[52:57] She's whispering it so she doesn't get any recrimination.

Elliott Kalan

[53:00] You know what?

[53:00] I'll back Hallie up on this.

[53:01] Steven Spielberg has made many great movies, but he's also made many mediocre movies.

[53:07] And we kind of have to pretend that every movie he comes out with is a beautiful poem to American...

[53:13] What?

[53:14] Something.

[53:15] And it's...

[53:16] He's made a lot of movies that are not so amazing.

Hallie Haglund

[53:18] And what has he made recently that's amazing?

[53:21] I mean, if we're talking about coasting on your really early successes, I at least feel like my affinity to him is all based in nostalgia.

[53:31] Yeah.

[53:31] Or like, what can I see of his new movies that reminds me of his old movies?

Dan McCoy

[53:35] Well, War of the Worlds is really good.

[53:36] It's easier to pull out like...

[53:38] But that's not necessarily new.

[53:40] I think that's the easier thing is like to pull out directors who were once much better than they are.

[53:47] Like, I have an affection for Robert Zemeckis based on, you know...

[53:52] Like, Back to the Future.

[53:53] Back to the Future.

[53:54] Roger Rabbit.

[53:55] Roger Rabbit.

[53:56] Romance in the Stone.

[53:57] Used Cars.

[53:58] I think those are all like really good movies.

Elliott Kalan

[54:00] Except no one says that his recent movies are any good.

[54:02] Just one of the guys.

[54:04] That's not a Robert Zemeckis movie.

[54:06] Didn't he direct that?

[54:06] Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[54:09] Or Invisible Maniac.

[54:12] I would say when it comes to directors who are given too much praise, all of them.

[54:17] Yeah.

[54:19] I feel...

[54:20] And it ruins them to a certain extent.

[54:21] I feel like a director like David Fincher gets a lot of praise he doesn't always deserve.

[54:26] And it, you know, it ruins him to a certain extent.

Dan McCoy

[54:28] I mean, I think that if anything, becoming a professional writer has taught me.

[54:33] It's that directors are not the be-all and end-all.

[54:36] Like, there's so much collaboration that goes into anything that gets broadcast.

Elliott Kalan

[54:42] Yeah.

[54:42] You're always going to have a point person, I guess.

[54:44] That's the thing that it bugs me when I go into movies, into bookstores and they have screenplays for movies.

[54:49] And it has the name of the director on the screenplay, but not the writer.

[54:53] Like, it'll be like, Stagecoach, the screenplay.

[54:55] John Ford.

[54:56] It's like, well, he didn't write that.

[54:57] Come on.

Hallie Haglund

[54:58] Well, it's interesting that, like, you can be a consumer of movies and have such a...

[55:09] Like, anyone knows big-name directors.

[55:12] And I think, like, most people don't know the people who wrote the screenplay.

[55:16] Yeah.

[55:17] It's not...

[55:18] It's something that, like, you seek out that information and you know it if you're passionate about it.

[55:23] But it's not something that, like, is, like, public knowledge.

[55:28] It's not as part of the mainstream of, like, an experience of a movie, for the most part, as, like, a director.

[55:34] Or, you know, even a big...

[55:35] Even the big producer is.

[55:37] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[55:40] So I'm going to say, uh, overrated, Jason Reitman.

[55:43] That answer...

[55:44] And Judd Apatow.

[55:45] But Edgar Wright deserves everything he gets.

Dan McCoy

[55:49] So this final email of the evening, um, is from Jordan, last name with hell.

[55:58] Michael Jordan?

[55:59] And it says, Dan, I'm writing you this email as a warning to you, even though it may cost me my life.

[56:05] You and Stuart need to find a way to escape the maniacal machinations of your co-host, Elliot Kalin.

[56:10] What?

[56:11] You no doubt are aware of Elliot's...

Elliott Kalan

[56:13] Rejustinator.

[56:13] Get this guy.

Dan McCoy

[56:15] You no doubt are aware of Elliot's funny-or-die video that he created in early October of this year entitled,

[56:20] Help Make Elliot the Next Andy Rooney.

[56:22] Yes.

[56:23] As you may be aware, Mr. Rooney died over a month later.

[56:27] Clearly, Elliot's fevered desire to fill Andy Rooney's chair went unanswered for too long,

[56:31] and Elliot decided to take matters into his own hands, slaying the beloved TV icon in pursuit of his goal.

[56:37] My primary concern now is for Stuart's and your safety.

[56:40] I fear that Elliot will make demands on both of you someday,

[56:43] and if you are unwilling to comply, you will turn up deceased or missing.

[56:46] Possibly.

[56:47] Before you choose to dismiss me as crazy, ask yourself this.

[56:50] Elliot's new bride certainly had a beau prior to dating and then marrying Elliot.

[56:54] Does anyone know where he is now?

Elliott Kalan

[56:56] Of course not.

[56:57] Women break up with guys all the time.

Dan McCoy

[56:59] Because Elliot vanished him as he stood in the way of his desires.

[57:03] And while I don't know this for sure, I would be willing to speculate that the person who used to hold Elliot's current job at The Daily Show

[57:09] may have vacated that position due to outside influences or pressures.

Elliott Kalan

[57:13] Yes, she went to get a job at Parks and Recreation.

Dan McCoy

[57:15] Namely, Elliot's unending stream of subtle and overt threats.

[57:19] No.

Hallie Haglund

[57:20] Stop writing for the new girl.

[57:22] Very popular network show.

Dan McCoy

[57:24] Whatever you do, don't read this email on the air while – uh-oh.

[57:28] Don't read this email on the air while Elliot is in the room,

[57:31] or else he may force his hand by exposing him for the cold-hearted,

[57:35] Machiavellian monster he is, and he may lash out right there and then.

[57:39] Best of luck, Jordan, last name with help.

Elliott Kalan

[57:40] Okay, two things.

[57:41] One, yes, Andy Rooney died shortly after I requested his job.

[57:45] I think that's because Andy Rooney realized there was someone else on Earth who could continue his legacy.

[57:51] He could pass on the torch and finally give up the ghost, literally.

[57:55] In peace.

[57:56] In peace, exactly.

[57:57] Saying, good, there is another one, and I no longer have to shoulder this burden anymore.

[58:02] Please, God, release me.

[58:03] Into thy hands I commend my spirit.

[58:05] And that's what he did.

[58:06] Secondly, don't you try a thing, Dan, or I will destroy you.

[58:10] Okay.

[58:11] I wish you could see his face right now.

[58:12] Stuart's not here.

[58:13] I wish you could see it.

[58:14] He will have one week with his new bride.

[58:16] His eyes are closed.

[58:16] And when that week is up, my wedding present is a week of peace.

[58:23] I should have said three weeks.

[58:24] That says how long the ghost of Fruma Sarah gives Saitl and Laser Wolf in Fiddler on the Roof.

[58:30] All right.

[58:31] Anybody?

[58:32] Anybody?

[58:32] We need more Jewish co-hosts.

Dan McCoy

[58:35] So we are running very late.

[58:38] Let's do a speed round of just naming a movie that you saw recently that you would recommend.

[58:44] That you liked.

[58:45] That you enjoyed.

[58:45] You thought was a good movie.

[58:48] Better, say, than Zookeeper.

[58:51] That's going to be tough.

[58:52] Let's sign it off.

[58:53] Better than Zookeeper?

[58:54] Do you have a movie, Hallie?

[58:55] Because if you don't, I can go first.

[58:57] You go first.

[58:58] I watched Red State recently.

[59:01] I'm not necessarily at this late date a Kevin Smith fan because I think that he's gotten, I mean, he was always lazy and he's gotten lazier.

Elliott Kalan

[59:13] Wait.

[59:13] The man who does public appearances in a bathrobe is too lazy?

Dan McCoy

[59:17] But Red State is actually the best directed, I think, of all of his movies.

[59:24] It's very interesting.

[59:25] Faint praise.

[59:26] No, but it does not feel like a Kevin Smith movie.

[59:29] It feels more like sort of like a lesser Quentin Tarantino genre exercise.

[59:34] And it's got a lot of great character actors in it.

[59:37] It's got Steven Root.

[59:38] It's got John Goodman.

[59:40] It's got Michael Parks.

[59:43] Michael Recreation.

[59:44] Melissa Leo.

[59:45] It's got a couple actors from Breaking Bad, the one who plays Skyler and the guy who plays Badger in it.

[59:53] It's just an interesting movie.

[59:56] It gets a little preachy, but it does things that you would not expect from it.

[1:00:00] And it's on Netflix watch instantly.

[1:00:02] So I would recommend checking out Red State.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:06] I'm going to recommend a comedy from the 30s called The Octopus,

[1:00:10] which is about an hour long.

[1:00:12] It's super goofy.

[1:00:13] It stars, among other people, Hugh Herbert.

[1:00:17] And I can't remember anyone else who's in it.

[1:00:20] But it's really silly.

[1:00:22] It starts out kind of like a suspense thriller.

[1:00:26] And there's a giant octopus and tentacles and an evil criminal and murderers and things.

[1:00:31] But much of the movie is Hugh Herbert being scared by things and reacting in silly ways.

[1:00:37] And it's really funny.

[1:00:38] And there's one really great makeup effect at the end that you don't see coming.

[1:00:44] And then it has one of the craziest endings of any movie I can imagine.

[1:00:48] So, shh, The Octopus, I think, is out on DVD now.

[1:00:51] So go find it.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:53] Allie, if you don't have anything, maybe, I mean, I will permit you to recommend like a TV show or something else if you don't have a movie off the top of your head.

Hallie Haglund

[1:01:02] Wow, that is so condescending.

[1:01:05] Yeah, come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:05] Just because she's a woman, she can't recommend a movie?

[1:01:07] Oh, she's a recommend trick.

[1:01:08] Serious, seriously.

[1:01:09] Allie, though, if you can, I've got lots I can recommend if that's okay.

Hallie Haglund

[1:01:11] No, I'm trying to think if I'm remembering.

[1:01:13] There is one movie that I'd like to recommend that I'm sure everybody else.

[1:01:18] It's called The Cutting Edge.

[1:01:19] It's about ice skating.

[1:01:21] No, but it was probably made around that time.

[1:01:24] But I'm trying to remember if I remember the right name of it.

[1:01:27] Just one of the guys?

[1:01:28] No, I'm experiencing.

[1:01:29] Teen Witch.

[1:01:29] I want to recommend it because.

[1:01:31] Baby's Day Out?

[1:01:32] Because I saw.

[1:01:34] Okay, do you guys remember?

[1:01:35] Monster Squad.

[1:01:35] What is Dangerous Beauty?

[1:01:37] When I say Dangerous Beauty, is that the one about the courtesan?

[1:01:40] It's about a courtesan.

[1:01:40] Okay, then that's the one I'm thinking of.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:41] Are you sure you're thinking of Stealing Beauty?

[1:01:42] No, I'm thinking of Dangerous Beauty.

Hallie Haglund

[1:01:43] Where Tyler loses her virginity in Tuscany.

[1:01:45] No, I'm thinking of Dangerous Beauty.

[1:01:47] Because the other day I was walking to my subway stop,

[1:01:50] and I happened to pass Rufus Sewell on the way there.

[1:01:53] Dark City is Rufus Sewell.

[1:01:55] And Dangerous Beauty is Rufus Sewell.

[1:01:58] I had my wisdom teeth taken out when I was about 15 years old.

[1:02:02] And one of the movies my mother rented for me was Dangerous Beauty.

[1:02:06] And I will tell you, if you have just had your wisdom teeth taken out,

[1:02:10] that is a very challenging movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:18] So really you're recommending the experience of having your wisdom teeth pulled

[1:02:21] and then seeing Dangerous Beauty.

Hallie Haglund

[1:02:22] That one guy is in it, Oliver Platt.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:25] That's the one guy you're referring to?

[1:02:28] I don't think anyone's ever said that one guy, Oliver Platt.

[1:02:31] Take that to the bank, guys.

Hallie Haglund

[1:02:32] He might have been in movies one is respected, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:35] He is.

[1:02:35] Yeah, he's a good actor.

[1:02:37] So he was in that.

[1:02:38] I mean, he was in Dan's favorite movie, Bullworth.

[1:02:40] He was in...

Hallie Haglund

[1:02:42] Catherine McCormick?

[1:02:43] Dan's other favorite movie, Lake Placid.

[1:02:45] She was in Braveheart and she died.

[1:02:48] She's the star of this.

[1:02:49] She gets to do a lot more.

[1:02:51] They showcase her a lot more.

[1:02:52] They don't kill her off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:55] Spoiler alert.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:57] Okay, guys.

[1:02:57] Well, I mean, this is...

[1:02:59] I hate to cut this short, but this has been a lot of fun.

[1:03:01] I hate to cut this short.

[1:03:02] Longest episode ever.

[1:03:03] But it's been great to have you, Hallie.

[1:03:07] Is there anything you'd like to promote, Hallie?

[1:03:08] You want to plug something before we go?

Hallie Haglund

[1:03:11] You don't have to.

[1:03:13] We're all going out to dinner.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] No, don't plug that.

[1:03:16] It's a private event.

[1:03:17] If I can plug my next movie screening in New York at 92i Tribeca is coming up on December 7th,

[1:03:23] the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

[1:03:26] We're going to be showing The Scarlet Empress, the craziest of the Joseph von Sternberg, Marlena Dietrich collaborations.

[1:03:33] It's a really amazing-looking and amazingly insane movie.

[1:03:38] And my guest that night will be comic book artist Michael Kupperman,

[1:03:41] who you may know from Snake and Bacon's Cartoon Cabaret or Tales Designed to Thrizzle

[1:03:45] or his new book about Mark Twain that just came out.

[1:03:48] So that's December 7th at 7.30 p.m., 92i Tribeca, The Scarlet Empress.

[1:03:53] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:54] Well, I'm going to say goodnight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:57] Do you have anything you want to promote, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:59] I want to promote the end of this podcast.

[1:04:02] Coming soon.

[1:04:03] To a podcast you're listening to.

[1:04:05] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:04:07] I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

Hallie Haglund

[1:04:09] I'm Hallie Hagelin.

[1:04:11] Night, everyone.

[1:04:12] Baby.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:21] Baby.

[1:04:22] Boo-boo.

[1:04:23] Ba-ba.

[1:04:25] Bordello.

[1:04:26] Baby.

[1:04:26] Of blood.

[1:04:27] Bordello.

[1:04:28] God.

[1:04:28] Back.

[1:04:29] Goo-goo.

[1:04:30] Beep-boop.

Hallie Haglund

[1:04:31] Beep-boop-bop.

[1:04:33] Ga-ga-goo-goo, baby robot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:35] I hope you're keeping all this.

[1:04:36] This is gold.

[1:04:37] All right.

The Flop House: Episode #91 - Zookeeper

Transcript

In this episode

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