The Flop House: Episode #91 - Zookeeper

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss untitled Kevin James animal pratfall project.

[0:05] Okay, it's called Zookeeper.

[0:31] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] I'm Elliot Kalin in the number two spot.

[0:40] And I'm Hallie Haglund in the number three spot.

[0:44] So that's, yeah, that's Hallie.

[0:47] You may have noticed she doesn't sound like Stuart, our usual co-host.

[0:52] Hey dudes.

[0:53] Pretty good.

[0:54] Pretty good, Stuart. Dan, why isn't Stuart with us today?

[0:57] Well, he just got married.

[0:59] So I assume, even though he got married on Sunday, which was four days ago,

[1:03] that he is still consummating his marriage.

[1:05] Yeah, well, he is a dynamo. He's a sexual dynamo.

[1:08] If there's one thing that we know about Stuart...

[1:10] Yeah, it's a seximo.

[1:11] A Kokomo, if you will.

[1:13] Yeah, but...

[1:14] That doesn't exist.

[1:16] Oh, you're right.

[1:17] Well, no, there's a Kokomo.

[1:19] But it's in Indiana.

[1:21] It's not a tropical island.

[1:23] Is that where the Beach Boys were singing about? Kokomo, Indiana?

[1:25] Yeah.

[1:26] Tropical breeze?

[1:27] Is it an island on a lake?

[1:28] No, I, uh...

[1:30] It just seems weird they would say Bermuda, Bahamas, and all over Indiana.

[1:33] Is it just their lake house that they named Kokomo?

[1:35] No, I appeared in a Shakespeare in the Park production in Kokomo, Indiana.

[1:39] What play?

[1:40] What play was that?

[1:41] Twelfth Night.

[1:42] Who were you?

[1:43] No, no, but what did you do the first 11 nights?

[1:45] Were you Viola?

[1:46] I played Fabian, my friend, the director, the directress.

[1:50] She needed someone to step in because...

[1:54] That is so condescending, to call it the directress.

[1:57] Yeah, come on.

[1:58] I'm glad we have a woman on the show today to slap you two around.

[2:02] Oh, boy.

[2:03] So that's what we're going to be dealing with today, audience,

[2:06] is Hallie Hagland, the feminist activist.

[2:09] So Stuart is, you know, basking in his wedded bliss.

[2:15] Which is lovely.

[2:16] But are you coming on to his wife?

[2:20] Is that what's happening?

[2:21] No, his wedded bliss is lovely.

[2:22] His wife is hideous.

[2:23] Okay.

[2:24] I'm just kidding.

[2:25] She's a beautiful woman.

[2:26] And it was a wonderful wedding.

[2:28] It was the gayest wedding I've ever been to,

[2:31] and I've been to several gay weddings.

[2:33] Yeah.

[2:34] I feel like we should talk about it, but I feel we probably should save that.

[2:37] Should we wait for Stuart to come out?

[2:38] For Stuart to return.

[2:39] Okay.

[2:40] So you'll have to bide your time to hear the steamy secrets of the Stuart Wellington nuptials.

[2:46] Yeah.

[2:47] In lieu of tales of...

[2:48] And sorry, ladies, Stuart Wellington's off the market.

[2:51] Yeah.

[2:52] Sorry, Hallie.

[2:53] I've never met this.

[2:55] Sorry, Hallie.

[2:56] And so let's introduce our guest host for tonight.

[2:59] Yeah.

[3:00] In lieu of tales of Stuart's wedding, Hallie, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

[3:04] That is one of the lamer horror comics, Tales of Stuart's Wedding.

[3:10] Well, boys and ghouls, they went to Porto Shrico.

[3:18] And wore tux shricos.

[3:20] That doesn't make sense.

[3:21] Okay.

[3:22] Maybe tux creamos.

[3:24] They did all wear.

[3:25] I think it's important.

[3:26] I think you can at least tease the stories to have everyone know that you guys wore tuxedo speedos.

[3:32] I didn't.

[3:33] I did.

[3:34] Dan did.

[3:35] This is actually something that's been covered on the show before.

[3:36] Hallie refused.

[3:37] If you go to the Flophouse Wiki, someone has already put in an entry for tuxedo speedos.

[3:41] Oh, okay.

[3:42] We'll get to the Flophouse Wiki, my friend.

[3:44] Oh, okay.

[3:45] Excellent.

[3:46] We will get there.

[3:47] But let's introduce our co-host, Hallie Haglund.

[3:49] This is Hallie Haglund.

[3:50] Hi.

[3:51] Hi.

[3:52] Say something about who you are.

[3:54] I work with Dan and Elliot, and I share an office with Elliot, and we all hang out sometimes

[4:03] and just joke around and stuff.

[4:06] Oh, yeah.

[4:07] Just have a lot of laughs.

[4:08] So, finally, we have a Flophouse that's all writers for The Daily Show.

[4:11] Yeah.

[4:12] I guess we had that once before when Wyatt was here.

[4:14] Well, I had not gotten a job.

[4:16] Oh, that's right.

[4:17] You weren't a writer yet.

[4:18] We finally replaced all the nine writers of The Daily Show on the Flophouse with writers

[4:23] for The Daily Show.

[4:24] So, Hallie, you teased this a moment ago, but you share an office with Elliot.

[4:30] Yes.

[4:31] Which is to the point because –

[4:32] What point?

[4:33] You may think that you're here to talk about a bad movie, but actually I brought you here

[4:37] to tell embarrassing stories about what it's like to share an office with Elliot.

[4:41] When he's eating barbecue, he asks me if it's okay if he takes his shirt off because

[4:45] he doesn't want to get stains on his shirt.

[4:48] But I wear an undershirt.

[4:49] It's not like I'm sitting in my office naked from the waist up eating barbecue.

[4:52] One time he farted and he said, excuse me, I farted.

[4:55] I didn't think it would smell this bad.

[4:57] I don't remember that.

[4:59] It happens.

[5:00] I know that and also once I was so mad that I slammed my phone down so hard it broke.

[5:05] Oh, and he broke it.

[5:06] Yeah.

[5:07] Well, he didn't slam it so hard.

[5:08] It didn't break on the first time.

[5:09] He just slammed it down and then slammed it over and over and over again down.

[5:14] And that's what broke it.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:16] No, I'm gratified by any tale of Elliot misbehaving at work because it makes me feel better about

[5:20] my own moodiness.

[5:21] Yeah.

[5:22] Oh, yeah.

[5:23] You're a real troublemaker at work.

[5:24] What with you being quiet and sitting in the corner.

[5:27] And always remaining so.

[5:30] Yeah.

[5:31] I mean, Elliot's got some serious rage issues.

[5:33] Yeah.

[5:34] Well, I, you know.

[5:35] It's true.

[5:36] I'm grumpy.

[5:37] I'm not angry.

[5:38] Yeah.

[5:39] That's the difference.

[5:40] I, if we were dwarves, you'd be grumpy and I'd be angry.

[5:43] Who's not really a dwarf.

[5:44] And Hallie would be girly.

[5:46] The girl dwarf.

[5:47] No.

[5:48] That sucks.

[5:49] Again, I'm taking you to task for your sexism.

[5:53] So what dwarf would you be?

[5:54] I'd be grumpy too.

[5:56] You can't have two grumpies.

[5:58] Every dwarf needs a separate personality.

[6:00] I'm cool dwarf.

[6:02] That would be Stuart.

[6:03] And he's not here.

[6:04] What the fuck?

[6:05] Well, you guys get to, what should I be?

[6:08] I don't know.

[6:09] I mean, I already suggested girly.

[6:10] You didn't want to be that.

[6:11] Delightful dwarf.

[6:13] Look, you could be sneezy.

[6:15] We can all agree that you're sneezy.

[6:17] No.

[6:18] I do sneeze sometimes.

[6:20] Just to get attention, though.

[6:22] Because I'm so lonely because no one will give me a real name.

[6:25] So should we?

[6:28] It's like a Munchausen by proxy situation, except for you're actually just pretending.

[6:32] I'm poisoning myself.

[6:33] You're poisoning yourself.

[6:34] So should we talk about the movie we watched?

[6:36] I don't think so.

[6:38] It really wasn't.

[6:39] I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning.

[6:41] It is not.

[6:42] It never is.

[6:43] Dan, what movie did we watch tonight?

[6:45] We watched a movie called Zookeeper.

[6:47] Not The Zookeeper?

[6:48] No, just Zookeeper.

[6:50] Because it sounds weird to have a title that's Zookeeper and not The Zookeeper.

[6:54] Because the movie's about a zookeeper, right?

[6:56] It's like Prince.

[6:58] It's really about the occupation of Zookeeper.

[7:01] It's really about what it is to be a zookeeper.

[7:03] It should be called Zookeeping.

[7:05] It should be called Zookeeping for Dummies.

[7:07] And who was the star of this film?

[7:09] Mr.

[7:10] I guess.

[7:12] Miss Kavina James.

[7:14] Mr.

[7:15] Kevin James, star of Paul Blart Mall Cop.

[7:19] Which was a previous Flophouse film.

[7:21] You weren't there for that.

[7:22] I missed that one.

[7:23] Brock sat in for me.

[7:24] Brock Mahan.

[7:25] Your counterpart.

[7:26] Yeah.

[7:27] I like to call him the Gentile Ellie Kaelin.

[7:30] Actually, Dan McCoy is the Gentile Ellie Kaelin.

[7:32] Yeah, I'm the Gentile Ellie Kaelin.

[7:34] Yes.

[7:35] My healing touch.

[7:37] That's creepy.

[7:39] So, Zookeeper.

[7:41] Should I mention briefly what the plot is?

[7:43] Sure, why not?

[7:44] Zookeeper stars.

[7:46] Don't be fooled by the summary on demand because it's inaccurate.

[7:51] Yes, that's true.

[7:52] It stars Kevin James, who you may know as the unelected King of Queens.

[7:59] He was named by God to be the King of Queens.

[8:04] Well, his father was the King of Queens, so it only makes sense.

[8:07] He inherited the title.

[8:10] Kevin James is a zookeeper in Boston.

[8:14] I don't know if they actually have a zoo in Boston, but they do in the movie.

[8:17] Are you sure?

[8:20] They have zoos everywhere.

[8:22] Not everywhere.

[8:24] I mean, they have more than one zoo in New York.

[8:27] They have, what, two?

[8:29] They have the Bronx Zoo, the Brooklyn Zoo, the one in Central Park.

[8:33] Central Park Zoo, Brooklyn Zoo, you mean the Prospect Park Zoo?

[8:36] Yeah.

[8:37] Okay, that's three.

[8:38] That's pretty good.

[8:39] I mean, I don't know why you have to fight her on this.

[8:42] She said they have zoos everywhere.

[8:44] It's like, not in this apartment.

[8:46] I mean, there's a cat here.

[8:47] Dan, you're from the smallest town.

[8:48] Do they have zoos in Eureka?

[8:50] The smallest town?

[8:52] You're in the smallest town in the country, Eureka, Illinois.

[8:54] No, we don't have a zoo there.

[8:56] We don't have a zoo there.

[8:57] There's one in Peoria, which is a half an hour away.

[9:00] Fascinating.

[9:01] Anyway, Kevin James plays a zookeeper.

[9:03] If you're wondering whether zoos will play in Peoria, the answer is yes, they do.

[9:07] So if anyone wants to open a zoo in Peoria, there is a customer base, but we'll have competition.

[9:13] There's already an established zoo there.

[9:15] So Kevin James is a zookeeper in Boston.

[9:18] We open with him riding horseback on the beach with his girlfriend.

[9:22] Ms. Leslie Bibb.

[9:24] Leslie Bibb.

[9:26] Even lovelier than his wife in King of Queens.

[9:29] It makes even less sense in the King of Queens that he would be with this woman.

[9:33] And Leslie Bibb, heiress to the Bibb lettuce fortune, and he proposes to her in a very—

[9:39] To the baby Bibb fortune.

[9:42] Well, it's weird because you know she got that name because she probably dribbles food down the front of her body all the time, but we don't see it in the movie.

[9:48] They must have had a Bibb handler.

[9:51] So Leslie Bibb is his girlfriend, and he proposes to her on the beach.

[9:56] She says no.

[9:57] It turns out she doesn't want to marry a zookeeper.

[10:00] This is the first instance of anti-zookeeping bigotry

[10:03] we will see from Leslie Bibb throughout the movie.

[10:06] He is heartbroken, cut to five years later.

[10:09] He's still a zookeeper.

[10:11] He talks to all the animals.

[10:12] Wait a minute, he hasn't learned his lesson?

[10:13] He hasn't learned his lesson, still a zookeeper.

[10:15] Still loves his job, which was his main failing.

[10:19] And has a co-worker, Rosario Dawson.

[10:23] His co-worker, Rosario Dawson, who's a zoo doctor,

[10:26] who, for some reason, he doesn't seem to realize.

[10:30] The doctoress would not be the appropriate.

[10:33] Well, there's the old riddle about the lion

[10:37] that's in a car accident.

[10:38] And the doctor says, I can't operate on this lion.

[10:43] It's my son.

[10:45] And it turns out that the doctor is also a lion.

[10:48] So it's a riddle.

[10:48] Interesting, how did this lion get through medical school?

[10:53] I mean, there's a lot of backstory.

[10:54] He just put on a polo shirt and said it was a costume.

[10:58] This movie shows that.

[10:59] If you saw this movie, you'd get that joke.

[11:01] Well, I'll get to that point.

[11:04] Basically, his co-worker is Rosario Dawson,

[11:06] who he doesn't seem to realize is

[11:08] more beautiful than Leslie Bibb.

[11:10] And way nicer, and loves him for what he actually loves to do.

[11:14] Yeah, and likes zoos and animals.

[11:16] She got an offer from, she says, to go to be,

[11:18] she goes, I got an offer to be at a zoo in Nairobi,

[11:22] in Africa, which is for the audience,

[11:24] in case they don't know where Nairobi is.

[11:26] Which I think is fair, because most of the audience

[11:28] is like four years old.

[11:29] OK, that's fair.

[11:31] But he talks to all the animals at the zoo.

[11:33] The animals seem to love him.

[11:35] He's trying to cheer up a depressed gorilla that

[11:37] lives in a basement, but he just can't

[11:40] seem to get that gorilla happy.

[11:41] He gets him a big tire.

[11:44] That doesn't do it.

[11:45] He makes him popcorn.

[11:46] He gets him like a big giant Wiffle golf ball

[11:49] that he suspends from the ceiling.

[11:50] That doesn't do it either.

[11:52] But Kevin James's brother is getting married,

[11:55] and they have a big party to celebrate it at the zoo.

[11:59] And also-

[11:59] I hear that it's all happening at the zoo.

[12:02] Now, I do believe it.

[12:02] I do believe that's true.

[12:05] It's a joke about a false sign.

[12:09] Yeah, you can't see, but I'm glaring at Dan right now.

[12:11] Dan likes to state the lyrics of songs as if that's a joke.

[12:16] I do it too, but when I do it, I don't get mad at myself.

[12:20] That's the main difference, because I'm a hypocrite.

[12:23] Kevin James gives a very touching speech

[12:26] about porcupines at a party at the zoo

[12:28] for his brother's wedding, until he

[12:30] sees that his ex-girlfriend Leslie Bibb is there.

[12:32] Bum, bum, bum.

[12:33] And he starts babbling.

[12:34] He can't talk.

[12:35] Because apparently, she was friends with his wife's-

[12:38] With his future sister-in-law.

[12:40] Yeah.

[12:40] With his brother's fiance.

[12:42] Yeah.

[12:42] And he goes, uh-oh.

[12:45] He's tongue-tied around her.

[12:46] He wants her back.

[12:48] And the animals at the zoo say, we're

[12:50] going to help him, how can they do that?

[12:51] Because animals talk.

[12:53] Now, do the animals have a secret animal language

[12:56] that only animals know?

[12:57] No.

[12:57] Well, English.

[12:59] Does Kevin James get hit on the head,

[13:01] and suddenly he can hear animals and understand what they mean?

[13:03] No.

[13:04] Now, does he read a book that tells

[13:05] him how to talk to animals?

[13:07] No.

[13:07] Do the animals teach him a special code,

[13:10] like a sign language or some kind

[13:14] of emotional-based language?

[13:16] No.

[13:17] So how does he talk to the animals?

[13:18] He just starts talking to them.

[13:20] It turns out all animals can talk in perfect English.

[13:23] It turns they were always holding back

[13:25] in stressful situations.

[13:27] But then at one moment, it was too stressful,

[13:30] and a lion just started talking to Kevin James.

[13:32] In the voice of Sylvester Stallone.

[13:35] I mean, this also raises a good point.

[13:37] Not only that why haven't animals talked before,

[13:40] but apparently, they all talk English, I guess,

[13:43] because they're American animals.

[13:44] I mean-

[13:45] Yeah, I mean, we speak English here.

[13:46] But they come from different countries, I assume.

[13:49] These are all like wild animals from-

[13:51] Some of the animals have a little bit of an accent.

[13:53] OK.

[13:54] But-

[13:55] I mean-

[13:56] Maybe you've got a natural facility

[13:57] for languages in animals.

[13:58] But here's the thing.

[13:59] If animals can talk-

[14:00] Animals are like sponges, OK?

[14:04] Especially the sponge.

[14:05] You can wash a car with them.

[14:06] The sponge is very much like a sponge.

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:08] The animal can-

[14:09] The sponge is really the sponge of the animals.

[14:11] In the same way, a wolf is the wolf of the animals.

[14:15] And the echidna is the echidna of the animals.

[14:18] Here's what the dilemma of this movie,

[14:20] or the question this movie raised to me.

[14:22] Animals are imprisoned in zoos.

[14:25] They're routinely shot and killed for sport,

[14:27] and people eat them,

[14:29] or keep them as pets and demean them.

[14:31] Why don't the animals talk?

[14:32] There's one point where an animal says like,

[14:34] we can always talk,

[14:34] but we don't do it because humans can't handle it.

[14:37] It's like, well, maybe if you talked,

[14:39] we wouldn't kill you so much.

[14:41] Thank you for going out of your way

[14:44] to protect our emotions, but-

[14:48] You know why the humans can't handle it

[14:49] is because you talk so rarely.

[14:51] If you talked all the time,

[14:53] I think humans would get used to it.

[14:54] You know, as a lion cub,

[14:55] I was ripped from my mother's womb,

[14:57] and then they shot her to death.

[14:59] Then I was taken and raised by humans

[15:01] in a 10 foot by 10 foot enclosure,

[15:04] and humans gawk at me and throw peanuts at me,

[15:07] and I'm going to die here.

[15:08] And we'd probably feel a lot worse about doing that.

[15:11] We'd probably think differently about animals

[15:12] because they were talking to us all the time.

[15:14] It's like my mother was killed,

[15:16] and I live here in a zoo, and I hate it.

[15:18] But you know what?

[15:19] I don't want to stress out these humans.

[15:21] Let's not inconvenience them for a moment.

[15:23] I just won't talk ever.

[15:25] Yeah.

[15:26] So anyway, the animals decide they're going to help him

[15:28] win his love back.

[15:30] He-

[15:31] But the thing is, I don't really get that

[15:32] because it seemed like at first they were kind of worried

[15:35] that she and he were still interested in each other

[15:38] because they knew that he would leave the zoo

[15:40] if they got together.

[15:41] Yeah, since she hates zookeepers.

[15:43] But I don't-

[15:44] The common hatred of zookeepers that all women share.

[15:49] The one career path that women are like,

[15:51] this is a dead end, you are a slob.

[15:54] And you're like, oh, caring for all these animals.

[15:56] Oh, if there's one thing I hate,

[15:57] it's a man who can show love for animals.

[16:00] Because women hate animals.

[16:01] Yeah.

[16:01] Well, becoming a zookeeper is a lot like

[16:03] becoming one of the night watch,

[16:05] or whatever they're called,

[16:06] the wall watchers in the Game of Thrones series.

[16:09] You just say goodbye to your family,

[16:10] to the idea of children or women.

[16:13] You're married to the zoo.

[16:15] The zoo is your family now.

[16:17] So the animals decide they're gonna teach him

[16:18] the animal ways of mating with people.

[16:22] And all the animals talk in like sassy ways,

[16:24] like they're all really sassy.

[16:28] They're all basically just trying to imitate black people.

[16:31] Yeah, basically.

[16:33] And it could be, as I was saying when we were watching

[16:34] the movie, it could be seen as kind of racist

[16:37] that the animals all have these very ethnic accents.

[16:40] And it's like, yep, ethnic people are like animals,

[16:43] and white people like Kevin James are humans.

[16:47] And the ethnic people are just there to help the whites.

[16:50] Yeah, it's like, you know,

[16:51] it's like, you know, Bagger Vance or something.

[16:54] But an animal version.

[16:56] I'm not calling Bagger Vance an animal,

[16:58] except for a golf animal.

[17:01] The original golf animal.

[17:04] But most of the lessons that Kevin James gets taught

[17:06] make him a g-animal.

[17:08] G-animal?

[17:09] A golf animal, okay.

[17:14] G-animal.

[17:16] A golf, it's like manimal, but he also plays golf.

[17:19] It is all terrible.

[17:20] It's a terrible television show.

[17:22] There's a man who can turn into an animal

[17:23] that can also play golf.

[17:25] Or a man who can turn into a golf club, I guess.

[17:27] I don't know why animal is in the title.

[17:29] But the ways they teach him how to act like an animal

[17:33] mainly make him look stupid in front of other people.

[17:35] Like the bears teach him to walk around and yell a lot.

[17:38] And a wolf teaches him to pee on things

[17:40] and stuff like that.

[17:41] And like a bullfrog teaches him to squat

[17:45] and blow up his neck.

[17:47] But he has to be a total fucking idiot

[17:49] to think that these are gonna be effective.

[17:52] To apply these lessons in actual life.

[17:54] Which he does.

[17:55] Yeah, he's at the, what is it?

[17:58] The engagement, the second engagement party?

[18:01] This wedding has a lot of events.

[18:02] There's a big party at the zoo.

[18:04] Then there's a banquet party.

[18:06] There's a party at the restaurant

[18:07] where he pees in the potted plant.

[18:09] He pees in the potted plant and the maitre d' says,

[18:11] sir, do you not see there's a bathroom 20 feet away?

[18:14] And he goes, yeah, well, I do, whatever.

[18:16] And the manager's like, maitre d' is like,

[18:18] all right, well, enjoy your night.

[18:21] That was because the wolf had just taught him to pee.

[18:25] And that was like a way of drawing Leslie Bitt to him.

[18:29] And also he does this in a room full of people

[18:31] in a restaurant.

[18:32] No one seems to care or notice.

[18:34] This is a catered event, guys.

[18:35] Like the customer's always right in this situation.

[18:38] I don't think so.

[18:38] It's not like he did it in the middle of an actual,

[18:41] like just a regular restaurant.

[18:42] You know, like these are people who've been hired

[18:45] to attend your every whim.

[18:46] So when you hire caterers

[18:48] or you rent at a ruined restaurant,

[18:49] it's just anything goes?

[18:50] Yeah, sometimes I hire caterers

[18:52] just to pee in front of them.

[18:53] Really?

[18:54] Just to show my, to assert my dominance.

[18:57] Like, you've got to sit here and watch this.

[18:59] I'm paying you, you're going to see me pee.

[19:01] Theoretically, wouldn't all the caterers

[19:03] then fall in love with you?

[19:04] I mean, according to the Wolf's Lesson.

[19:06] No, because it doesn't work quite right.

[19:08] Also, it turns out Leslie Bibb has a boyfriend,

[19:11] the puffy Joe Rogan, who is super competitive.

[19:14] He kind of looked like Boris

[19:17] from Rocky and Bowling Ball.

[19:20] Like his face is so fucked up now.

[19:24] Joe Rogan, yeah.

[19:24] I mean, you know, Joe Rogan, you know, let's not.

[19:27] Are you afraid he's listening?

[19:28] He's not.

[19:29] I mean, I don't want to attack him needlessly.

[19:30] I mean, I enjoyed him in the news radio.

[19:33] You know, he seems like a proper guy.

[19:33] He was great in the news radio.

[19:34] He was much better looking then.

[19:36] Frankly, he's not bad here.

[19:38] Like, he's playing the part of like the over-aggressive jerk

[19:40] and he does it well.

[19:41] But his face has puffed up significantly.

[19:44] Yeah, at first I thought I had misidentified someone

[19:47] as Joe Rogan, but it turned out to be Joe Rogan.

[19:49] As I said, as we're watching,

[19:50] he looks like a villain in a Guy Ritchie movie now.

[19:53] He's got that gin-soaked sort of face.

[19:57] Yeah.

[19:58] He should be hiring Jason Statham.

[20:00] them to rob a bank yeah so it's not bad these these animal rules are not really

[20:06] working so well until the end but in the meantime he's like pretending to go out

[20:13] with Rosario Dawson at the actual wedding they have a good time together

[20:16] but he get he calls oh I forgot to say also that he took the gorilla to TGI

[20:22] Fridays but the lion tells him on the phone that he should alternate being a

[20:34] jerk or a nice guy to Leslie Bibb I thought he was really just acting crazy

[20:40] no the lion told him to do that oh so he does that he does act crazy he comes off

[20:45] as a total asshole but Leslie Bibb loves it he just he starts changing into a

[20:49] different person but that's the thing it's less the secret and more like he's

[20:52] just like an erratic sort of drug addict all of a sudden or something yeah he

[20:56] suddenly starts insulting everybody he changes his personality from moment to

[21:00] moment he says things that don't make sense and he quits his job at the zoo

[21:04] and takes up with at his brother's luxury car dealership oh wait but I have

[21:08] a question again about the the scene at the wedding yeah remember when he called

[21:13] her hammer thumbs yeah was that a reference to something that happened

[21:17] earlier in the movie or we were we just supposed to know that she was really

[21:20] self-conscious about her thumb he was just being needlessly cruel to her he's

[21:23] just thinking of insults and that was the only thing he could insult she was

[21:27] holding something at the time yeah so I think he was like oh I'm seeing your

[21:31] thumbs hammer thumbs this is after he's had a lot of fun with Rosario Dawson

[21:36] swinging around on Cirque du Soleil banners at the wedding which involved

[21:42] him smashing into the bride eventually and an ice sculpture and his brother's

[21:46] like no the bride's fine it's like this huge man like slammed into her legs but

[21:51] uh I guess it's a it's basically a cartoon this movie so at this point

[21:55] Kevin James has become insane and is very erratic and talks in a weird way

[21:59] and dresses in like a black suit and we were saying that while watching it like

[22:03] they must have cut out a scene where he's just sniffing he's just snorting so

[22:07] much coke up his nose rails of coke he basically turns into a coke addict like

[22:10] it's the scene what is it is it Carlitos way where Sean Penn just sticks his head

[22:15] in like a huge mound of coke like that's what I imagine family film so

[22:20] they can't show that long story short life Kevin James goes to the zoo he's

[22:25] already working at his brother's car dealership yeah goes to the zoo must

[22:28] have been for like some time at least established that like he's the shark at

[22:34] the car dealership like he makes all the deals and he uses the things the animals

[22:38] taught him to like be the alpha male the car dealership but he goes to the zoo

[22:42] and he says Rosario Dawson I would want you to be the first one I'm leaving the

[22:45] zoo now he's already in a suit having just come from work yeah how do you just

[22:51] tell keep calling him sick every day how he pointed out that the the timeline of

[22:56] this is very fucked up because he we see him making like real shark deals yeah at

[23:02] the car dealership and then he shows up back at the zoo saying like oh I'm sorry

[23:07] that uh I you know like I haven't told you I'm gonna leave and then but then he

[23:12] goes home to Leslie Bibb they've apparently been living together like a

[23:17] well-established life you know they're talking about their plans they have

[23:21] bought furniture together they live together yeah and then it's like it's

[23:28] it's almost like the only way it could be more extreme is if he showed up at

[23:31] work and was like by the way guys I'm quitting my job and then turns to Leslie

[23:36] Bibb and was like let's go buy grave plots you know we're married now right

[23:40] well then later on in the movie not to jump too far ahead but when once he

[23:44] realizes the error of his ways he returns to the zoo and he's still

[23:48] wearing a zoo uniform and apparently he still has this job I don't know how but

[23:52] the security guard is like hey what are you doing over there you're not supposed

[23:54] to be over there so it's like he got dressed up in his old uniform oh wait

[23:58] what you weren't supposed to be there because he didn't work there that's what

[24:01] I thought it was just because it was like an area yeah it was the parking lot

[24:06] like it's like fine for him to go in the cages of the wild animals but that's

[24:11] really parking lot is off-limits the animals are just have the run of the

[24:15] place they can leave their enclosures whenever they want basically it's like a

[24:19] Montessori Zoo like it's just very easy for them to get out and Kevin James just

[24:23] walks around with them all the time but uh long story short he realizes Kevin

[24:28] realizes this isn't the person I want to be Leslie Bibb proposes to him and he

[24:32] turns her down gives a speech about how this is isn't the person I want to be

[24:35] gives the same speech that he gave to her five years or gives the same speech

[24:39] that she gave to him five years ago when she rejected him on the beach yeah a

[24:44] little bit yeah this isn't gonna happen it was verbatim oh that's right yeah

[24:48] that's true but then also a couple I've skipped a couple times when she said

[24:54] something about like you really grown I thought you'd never get rid of that zoo

[24:57] keeper stuff here you are or like you know what you've got so much potential

[25:01] but the zoo the zoo thing you really got to put that zookeeper job behind you

[25:07] that job that I'm pretty sure you need to study like it's some sort of

[25:10] veterinary school yeah like there's one day when they're hanging out and and

[25:14] he's and she's like I want you to come to because she's a buyer for sacks

[25:18] that's what she's yeah that's her job and so she's like I really want you to

[25:23] come to my fashion show tomorrow during the middle of the day it's really

[25:27] important to me and like any normal human being he's like oh I've got work

[25:31] at the zoo and she gets really upset it's like you and the zoo thing I

[25:36] thought you were past it like it's a fucking job lady like I have to make

[25:41] money like that a woman hates hates going out with a guy whose job allows

[25:47] her to see animals up close like or that she's shocked that he has a day job that

[25:53] so long story short he breaks up with her he finds out Rosario Dawson has

[25:59] accepted the job in Africa and she's going to the airport tonight but she was

[26:03] also admitted to another co-worker that she has feelings for him yeah which

[26:09] makes even less sense than Leslie Bibb having another another co-worker played

[26:13] by Ken Jeong who has to be in every comedy now that's made yeah and he's

[26:18] like the party guy he's in community now he's in community that's what I'm

[26:30] thinking and he's on often to promote community and by afternoon in the one

[26:36] episode of Joe McHale co-worker Joe McHale he was a real doctor they're good

[26:42] friends I think I'd like to think that just because we're good friends and we

[26:46] work together doesn't mean everyone who works together is no everyone in

[26:48] Hollywood is good friend they're not actually you bought into the hype you

[26:51] bought into the hype it's terrible they hate each other they're all me and

[26:55] Christy Alley are good friends wait what Hollywood East we mean New York

[27:06] Hollywood East we call it Hollywood East in the busy or he very different from

[27:11] helium so he's got a cat Rosario Dawson this it is beyond wait I have to just

[27:19] clarify something because I'm afraid that there are people who actually pay

[27:23] attention to everything that said in this podcast nobody does that I know

[27:26] people are driving or cooking or drunk but you guys have people who document on

[27:32] Wikipedia the things that you say that's true well I threw out a fact that I

[27:36] heard somewhere but I don't know if it's really true was that guy actually

[27:41] a doctor before Ken Jeong yeah yeah he was a doctor John Apatow's doctor right

[27:47] okay so I was right so he was a stand-up at the same time but yes he was a doctor

[27:53] just like our buddy Shubin was a lawyer before getting into the comedy writing

[27:58] oh yeah it's true yeah yeah and he never shuts up about it

[28:03] habeas corpus tell me about it sorry sorry now let me do you let me we'll get

[28:15] me later maybe even about how inconceivable it is that Kevin James

[28:18] did not realize that Rosario Dawson is attractive that seems inconceivable to

[28:23] me but we'll get to that first of all let's flash dirt on her face they

[28:31] barely even like tire hair like usually these movies they give you glasses and

[28:34] tie her hair back nothing I mean she has her hair tied back sometimes but it's

[28:39] extra long and flowing yes but they show her they show her all dressed up for the

[28:44] wedding and he's like what oh no you're too beautiful

[28:49] the worst the worst you see her is in a uniform and let you know I don't want to

[28:56] I don't want to how I don't want to let you into the creepy male mind too much

[29:00] you mean the creepy pervasoid one but you know a uniform is is it is a fetish

[29:04] object for a gentleman seeing a pretty attractive woman sure you know it's not

[29:08] like you're not like oh gross Oh blue-collar workers like you're like oh

[29:13] okay yeah yeah it's some sort of regiment you should know Hallie Dan is

[29:18] pervasoid number one and talks openly about his fetishes on in the podcast I

[29:22] heard Dan makes his wife dress up in his zookeepers you know they have a day of

[29:28] a sex game called feeding time take my temperature it's called too much and she

[29:38] serves him a pail of wet apples she shoots him with a crank dart and then

[29:50] undresses him with a steak that has a nail on the end which brings us to an

[29:56] important plot detail let's explain I meant

[30:00] There was a gorilla living in a basement and that later

[30:04] We totally rushed over the fact that Donnie Wahlberg of new kids on the block is

[30:09] There's a gorilla keeper. Yeah, I'll tell you my first concert that I ever went to was new kids on the block and

[30:15] My how Donnie has fallen speaking of my speaking my wife you should talk to her

[30:19] She was a big new kids on the block fan one of one of her proudest moments as a photo editor

[30:24] It was meeting the new kids. Is that another game you guys play?

[30:28] Yeah, new kids on the bed

[30:33] You know I switch out from each new kid

[30:38] Donnie sneezy

[30:40] Gorgeous George gambit professor X

[30:44] John and Joey Oh

[30:47] Michael Valentine Smith Bilbo Baggins

[30:51] Eliezer

[30:54] Mordecai

[30:55] Their names buttercup Donnie Danny Joey Johnny Jordan. Those are the most generic

[31:02] They should at least be like

[31:04] You know Raven Darksword and like wolf silver blade. They were like 13 when they started even shadow

[31:11] They didn't need a gimmick. The gimmick was they were kids. I guess yeah new kids on a block not just a block

[31:20] Let's wrap it up in a bow and just say that you know

[31:25] Gorilla the gorillas are you talking about there's a gorilla that lives in a basement why apparently everyone thinks he attacked his keeper

[31:32] Don't know Donnie Wahlberg. It turns out has a stick with a nail

[31:44] And it's amazing how many

[31:46] Parallels are between this movie and rise and the much better rise of the planet of the Apes in that there's a

[31:52] Gorilla this preceded it which means that everything in rise the planet of the Apes was informed by this zoo

[31:58] Keep that rise the place is actually a remake of zookeeper. Yeah, there's a reimagining of zookeeper and so

[32:05] Kevin James gets the gorilla to open up they become friends the gorilla says tell me this is TGI Fridays as good as it sounds

[32:11] And then one night I totally miss that also

[32:14] I did not understand why they were a teacher Kevin James gives him a polo shirt

[32:19] He says some reason knows about TGI Fridays and thinks that it sounds great. Do you think Donnie Wahlberg told him?

[32:26] He must have been talking about just eating

[32:28] Yeah, you're like whacking him whacking him with the board with the mail and it's like oh TGI Fridays is so great

[32:32] I wish you could go there, but you can't they got license plates on the walls. You can get French fries

[32:38] And they go you're never gonna get you never get any experience that ape and so as a way to get the gorilla

[32:44] This is for people only TGI people

[32:50] TGIF FP that means thank God it's Friday for people only TGIF FP. Oh

[32:56] And no gorillas TGIF FP. Oh a and G

[33:04] Primates and he's like no

[33:14] So Kevin James, I guess reward the gorilla for being a gorilla like to get him out of a shell by the way

[33:19] The grill is voiced by Nick Nolte. Let's just say that he puts him in

[33:23] Wait, okay. I I haven't even

[33:26] I just want to clarify for you guys that I was

[33:30] totally confusing

[33:33] Nick Nolte while we were watching this movie with

[33:36] Gary

[33:39] I can't believe he laid down this work. Like I can't believe

[33:47] Maybe this is a rich fame for him. He doesn't have to he can show up in his pajamas

[33:53] That's fair for Nick Nolte also

[33:57] Nolte is also a shambling wreck of a man. Yeah, he's a living warning for every people sexiest man alive Bradley Cooper

[34:04] Watch out. You could still turn it to Nick Nolte. It was Nick Nolte a sexiest man alive. Oh, yeah

[34:08] Oh boy back around the time Prince of Tides came. That's what I was gonna ask. Was he the one from Prince of Tides?

[34:13] Okay, but that was when?

[34:15] Okay, go ahead. I mean that was when the apex of human beauty was Nick Nolte and Barbra Streisand

[34:20] I feel like ever since I made the Joe Rogan comment

[34:24] We're operating under the premise that like famous people listen to this show

[34:28] Oh

[34:33] But that's when Barbra Streisand was a sex symbol and then I was like, oh no, she probably was what if Babs hears this

[34:39] She'll never talk to me

[34:43] She's she's been really updating the wiki a lot

[34:46] But anyway, so he dresses up the gorilla in an eyes-eyed yellow polo shirt. No pan

[34:51] Yeah

[34:53] They go to those stumpy legs, you'd have to wear like shorts for a fat guy

[35:06] First they drive through town singing along to the Applebottom Jeans boots with the fur song

[35:13] Which the gorilla knows all the words to somehow yeah, then okay is a very good dancer

[35:18] Yeah, they go to TJ Fridays and yeah, and he's still walking around like a gorilla and but they see they say

[35:25] Oh, we'll just tell everyone you're a guy in a suit. We came from a costume party

[35:29] Everyone buys this this amazingly realistic gorilla suit where the mouth moves and he has a tongue and everything

[35:36] So then there's just not suspicious when he orders 30 oranges

[35:40] Is 30 oranges and then there's like a four-minute montage of them just having a great time at TJ Fridays

[35:47] Dancing with women because apparently this TJ Fridays has a dance floor

[35:55] They play pool, which I've also never seen in a TJ Fridays

[35:58] No holds up like eight the TJ Fridays waitresses

[36:02] I was using his gorilla strength and then drops them on the floor

[36:06] And the last thing you see when they're at TJ Fridays is a woman slow dancing with the gorilla and she goes

[36:11] I'm so glad I met you and Kevin James gives the gives the gorilla like a yeah way to go

[36:16] Yeah, the gorilla gives Kevin James a thumbs up and it's like wait Kevin James

[36:19] Oh, aren't you disturbed by the implications here? Like this woman, you know, maybe what's take this gorilla home?

[36:28] It is

[36:31] But it's like it's the TJ Fridays you only see in TJ Fridays

[36:35] commercials where it's like a bunch of people who just got off work like partying as opposed to what you really see which is like

[36:40] A bunch of people buying cheap ribs. Yeah, you know with their families

[36:44] margaritas

[36:46] Anyhoo, so I didn't mean to bring it down, but it's this bizarre little scene in the middle

[36:49] It's almost that might be the moment when the movie gets super crazy

[36:53] Yeah, and every scene after that is Kevin James being crazy

[36:56] I think it was the onion that that said this movie might be about a zookeeper who loses his mind

[37:01] And thinks animals are talking to him

[37:03] But anyway at the end

[37:05] Rosario Dawson's gonna go to the airport

[37:07] They have to get to her the gorilla and him he at first jumps on the back of an ostrich to ride that Rosario Dawson

[37:14] but of course he crushes the ostrich and it I guess dies, but uh

[37:19] The the gorilla goes with him, but we never saw that ostrich before in the movie. So it doesn't matter

[37:27] That ostrich may have been a visitor at the zoo he was just there to see the animals

[37:33] The gorilla helps him get to Rosario Dawson by

[37:36] First kayaking him to the bridge across. I think the Charles River. No, they did first driving

[37:42] First they're driving in a van first. They decide they're driving in a van, but but it somehow makes more sense

[37:48] The grill will dry

[37:51] And he immediately crashes the van into a car they chase switch places they get to a traffic jam and they're like

[37:57] Oh, no, so the gorilla hurls Kevin James over a fence. Then they get into a kayak. They're swimming in the water

[38:06] Then the gorilla climbs up the side of this bridge with Kevin James on his back and again

[38:11] It's just like Rise of the Planet of the Apes where the gorilla is gonna be on a bridge and you're like no gorilla

[38:15] You're gonna die. This is terrible

[38:18] You're gonna take down a helicopter, but it's gonna be awesome. Trust me, but you shouldn't do it

[38:24] But instead of stopping when they're climbing on the bridge instead of stopping like at the level that the cars are where?

[38:30] Kevin James could very very like safely and easily intercept

[38:34] Jam where Rosario Dawson is stuck in they like climb to the top of the ark as

[38:41] Kevin James is hanging on the gorillas back and like the gorilla gives him a pep talk about like just be yourself and then

[38:48] Makes him fall

[38:51] Onto the taxi

[38:52] And he says Rosario Dawson when eagles mate for life. This is a callback something else

[38:58] They blah blah blah cartwheel and they kiss and then the gorilla they link

[39:03] I mean that was what the blah blah blah was for you said they can't Kevin James Rosario Dawson kiss

[39:09] Okay, did they kiss they totally did? Yeah

[39:13] That's how you show you're in love with someone in a movie the gorilla falls and slams

[39:18] I don't know what you do with your wife, but you they just locked down

[39:22] We locked down to go into a death spiral and then we pick up a vole or a field mouse

[39:27] That eventually regurgitate the pellet yeah sure with the fur and the bones and then like we donate that to a science class and they pick

[39:34] it apart

[39:36] So the you know romance, you know love

[39:40] The gorilla drops onto the hood of the car. He's okay, I guess and

[39:45] Rosario Dawson and Kevin James like we should get him back to the zoo because Kevin James is very lax animal care policy does not bother

[39:52] Dr. Rosario Dawson at all and I guess and then they're at the zoo and everyone's happy again, and that's it

[40:00] The end.

[40:01] The end.

[40:02] Love conquers all.

[40:03] And then over the credits, the animals all sing along to More Than a Feeling, in maybe

[40:07] the worst thing ever.

[40:08] Well, the only part that was fun about it was when Cher had a measure because, you know.

[40:14] She can sing.

[40:15] It was funny to hear Cher sing.

[40:17] Oh yeah, Cher was one of the lions also.

[40:19] Oh yeah.

[40:20] I thought it was the girl from Star Wars.

[40:23] Yeah, we didn't go through, I mean, like, there were, I mean, we mentioned some of them.

[40:27] Big name voice stars.

[40:28] Adam Sandler.

[40:29] Adam Sandler was the monkey.

[40:30] Sylvester Stallone.

[40:31] Jon Favreau was one of the bears.

[40:34] Judd Apatow as an elephant.

[40:36] Although he sounded more like, um...

[40:38] Maya Rudolph was a giraffe.

[40:40] Oh yeah, Maya Rudolph was a giraffe.

[40:42] It sounded like Maya Rudolph of the cold was a giraffe.

[40:45] Yeah.

[40:46] Maya Rudolph doing a terrible, terrible ethnic stereotype was a giraffe.

[40:49] I mean, to be fair, like, Maya Rudolph is half black, isn't she?

[40:53] So...

[40:54] So it's okay that she's doing a terrible stereotype?

[40:56] I mean, yeah.

[40:57] And she gets her insurance from Aflac.

[41:01] She drives a half track.

[41:02] Big, big, big, big star Jim Brewer was the crow.

[41:05] He had about, well, how amazing would that have been if he was the crow?

[41:09] Like Brandon Lee the crow.

[41:11] Resurrected.

[41:13] I mean the character, not...

[41:15] All right.

[41:16] And also, and I guess Judd Apatow was doing, like, a Eugene Merman impression as the elephant.

[41:22] Yeah, I don't know what he was doing.

[41:24] It was terrible.

[41:26] The best voice actor, as I said, was Sylvester Stallone, which is sort of surprising.

[41:30] But I mean, I think that I...

[41:32] I thought Cher was a convincing lioness.

[41:35] But she had no emotions.

[41:36] She sounded dead.

[41:37] You know, it was like...

[41:38] That's because obviously as a partner, Sylvester Stallone had failed her so much.

[41:43] All of her lines were about, like, all he did was sleep all day.

[41:47] Yeah, what a bad husband he was.

[41:48] I mean, I think the thing, like, the reason that Sylvester Stallone was actually good

[41:51] was he just approached it as any other role where he was just like,

[41:54] Okay, yeah, I'm a lion.

[41:55] I'm going to...

[41:56] I'll just play this part.

[41:57] Whereas everyone else was just like, I'm going to do, like, irritating voices.

[42:00] They did very irritating voices.

[42:02] I think maybe they thought they were being cartoon animals rather than real animals.

[42:06] Because that would have made much more sense, I feel like.

[42:09] I think also Sylvester Stallone, I mentioned this when we were watching the movie,

[42:13] like, has struggled with making his voice comprehensible.

[42:17] Like, he can't move his mouth entirely.

[42:21] So it's like he is, everyone else is just like, I can talk like whatever.

[42:25] I'll just talk into a crazy voice.

[42:27] Well, Sylvester Stallone, I think when he talks, thinks about, am I coherent?

[42:31] Like, what am I getting across?

[42:33] You know, just speaking is a triumph for him.

[42:36] You know what we should have watched?

[42:38] Oscar.

[42:39] Remember that movie with him?

[42:40] Yeah, that's his big comedy hit.

[42:42] I love that.

[42:44] I think I saw that, like, three times in the theater.

[42:47] Okay, well, we got our...

[42:48] You were the only person who saw it at all in the theater, maybe.

[42:51] We got to wrap this up.

[42:52] We've actually been going long.

[42:54] So we wrap it up with Hallie.

[42:56] We make our final judgments.

[42:57] Was this a good, bad movie?

[42:59] Is this terrifyingly awesome?

[43:00] No, no, we're...

[43:01] Stupidly scary?

[43:02] We're out of Shocktober.

[43:04] Or scary dumb?

[43:05] No, no.

[43:06] Is this a good, bad movie?

[43:07] A bad, bad movie?

[43:09] Or a movie we actually kind of liked?

[43:11] Allie, I'm going to go to you first.

[43:12] Oof, this is hard.

[43:13] You know what?

[43:14] Really, this was a bad, bad movie, but it went so off the rails at times that I'm going to call it a movie I actually kind of liked.

[43:24] I mean, it wasn't good.

[43:25] It was really bad.

[43:26] And I didn't enjoy it, but I did admire the fact that it made no sense.

[43:31] And I feel like if this was a movie that was made in the 30s, I'd be more willing to overlook its faults and enjoy how ridiculously nonsensical it is.

[43:42] So I'm going to be very generous with it.

[43:46] Yeah, I'm going to go halfway between a good, bad and movie I kind of liked.

[43:51] Because the thing is...

[43:53] I wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.

[43:55] I would not.

[43:56] God knows I would not recommend it.

[43:57] No, please don't say that.

[43:58] And even though it's a family movie, it's not a good family movie.

[44:01] There's a ton of sex jokes.

[44:03] It's very confusing for children.

[44:05] And it might encourage your child to jump into an animal's cage at the zoo.

[44:09] Yeah, and just start rapping with it.

[44:10] But there's weird stuff that I laughed at.

[44:12] Like, I genuinely laughed.

[44:13] I mean, Kevin James is doing his damnedest to make this work.

[44:16] And it's a weird movie where, like...

[44:18] He really tries to sell those crappy jokes.

[44:20] Yeah, and this is a movie about talking animals that really wishes it was not about talking animals.

[44:26] Like, they really don't play with talking animals.

[44:28] The last third of the movie has almost no talking animals in it.

[44:31] And that's when it gets really good.

[44:32] Yeah, it's funniest when it's not about talking animals.

[44:35] Kevin James should do a movie, like, where he is a crazy schizophrenic guy.

[44:40] Wasn't that the Mall Cop movie?

[44:42] No, that was To Serve and Protect, the other Mall Cop movie.

[44:44] Observe and Report.

[44:45] Observe and Report, whatever.

[44:47] The Seth Rogen Mall Cop movie where he was, like, crazy.

[44:50] In Paul Blart, he was just clumsy.

[44:52] Oh.

[44:53] Hallie, where are you going?

[44:54] They should have called Paul Blart Zookeeper.

[44:56] I thought.

[44:59] I didn't really enjoy it for much of the movie.

[45:02] But I did like when it got so weird that I was engaged because I was trying to understand what was going on.

[45:07] And I liked that it had really famous people who were involved with it so that I could judge them.

[45:12] You know, if it were a bunch of nobodies and it were a bad movie, that would be a waste of time.

[45:17] But when it's a bunch of successful people failing, that gives me some satisfaction.

[45:22] Makes you feel kind of good.

[45:23] Yeah.

[45:24] So I'd say it's, you know, I wouldn't recommend anyone seeing it, but it's, like, good, bad.

[45:30] It's, like, don't go see this, but don't burn every print in existence.

[45:33] Right.

[45:34] Where we've seen movies where.

[45:35] It's, like, if Dan pays for it on Pay-Per-View, watch it.

[45:39] That is a very specific.

[45:43] But don't offer to chip in.

[45:45] Count on that.

[45:48] And it looks great in HD for some reason.

[45:53] And I will say, Kevin James, looking great these days.

[45:57] He's really slimmed down.

[45:59] He really has.

[46:00] We're running a little long, so I'm going to do only a couple of letters.

[46:04] No.

[46:05] Sorry.

[46:06] So this first one says, this one's from.

[46:11] You're taking up time with your us.

[46:13] Sorry.

[46:14] Anthony J. Drexel Biddle.

[46:17] I know him.

[46:18] Just kidding.

[46:19] Last name with L.

[46:20] Well, he bills himself as the fightinest millionaire.

[46:23] Okay.

[46:24] So.

[46:25] So he's rich.

[46:26] This this email is titled Attention Bully E.

[46:31] And it says, hey, squirt.

[46:32] Yes, I mean, you, Elliot Kalin.

[46:34] Well, it's come to my attention that you are suffering the ogreish attention of one John Hodgman.

[46:39] True.

[46:40] Now, I have been a longtime listener to your podcast, which is quite good, by the way.

[46:43] Pat yourself on the back.

[46:44] Wait, not you, Dan.

[46:45] No, you nor you, Stuart.

[46:47] Why do I hold my withhold my proxy bat pats?

[46:51] Because you have failed in your duty as friends and comrades to protect Elliot's person and honor.

[46:56] Were you not aware that in Middle Eastern culture a blow from a person's shoes was the lowest of insults?

[47:01] Are you ignorant of the principle that in robbing Elliot of his Iron Man figures, Hodgman robs Kalin of his Iron Manhood?

[47:08] I see.

[47:09] This is a reference to.

[47:10] Poor shame.

[47:11] In a recent AV Club interview, John Hodgman revealed to the world that he bullies me and once threw his shoes at me, which is true, and stole Iron Man memorabilia off my desk.

[47:19] Which is also true.

[47:20] I was there.

[47:21] I let him do it.

[47:22] Remember?

[47:23] Yeah.

[47:24] This huge step behind him said nothing.

[47:25] First, Hodgman came for Elliot's stuff.

[47:26] I said nothing.

[47:27] Then he came for Elliot.

[47:28] And I said nothing because I was not Elliot.

[47:30] Then when he came for me and there was no one left.

[47:32] I don't think he'd be interested in coming for me.

[47:34] He continues.

[47:38] Since I see.

[47:39] This was also this is an interview about John Hodgman's new book, which is very funny.

[47:43] And it opened with.

[47:45] That's the name of the book.

[47:46] Yes.

[47:48] It was an interview about his book, which opened with two questions about a movie screening series I host and him bullying me.

[47:53] Yeah.

[47:54] Didn't make sense.

[47:55] But it was good.

[47:56] No, no.

[47:57] It was good.

[47:58] It was good publicity for the Elliot Kalin brand.

[47:59] Yeah.

[48:00] Got to get it out there.

[48:01] But no, he continues.

[48:02] He says, since I see the infamous Mishir Hodgman promenading on the Onion AV Club, even as Dan speaks, clearly you have not taken the necessary action to right these wrongs.

[48:14] Wrongs.

[48:15] Nay, these injustices cry to the heavens for re-justicing.

[48:19] So it falls to me.

[48:21] I shall become the re-justiner.

[48:24] Frank Castle witnessed his family gunned down by mobsters.

[48:28] I also witnessed Frank Castle's family gunned down by mobsters at least thrice in various movies and comic book adaptations.

[48:34] Yeah, I've seen that a lot of times.

[48:36] So clearly my superheroic bona fides are watertight.

[48:39] Now it only falls to you, Mr. Kalin, to let your wishes be known.

[48:42] How shall the deed be done?

[48:44] Shall I second you in a duel?

[48:46] Play some harmless prank?

[48:48] Gun him down ruthlessly?

[48:49] No.

[48:50] Kneel behind him while you administer a sharp push for him?

[48:53] Better, but probably not.

[48:54] Administer the Hong Kong cocktail?

[48:56] No.

[48:57] Please consider carefully because my initial adventures will plot the course for all future re-justinings.

[49:02] I await your instructions with anticipation, your pal.

[49:07] Well, thank you very much, Fightin' This Millionaire.

[49:09] At the moment, I'm going to have to ask you to stand down and not take action.

[49:12] But I will let you know when the time is right to reap our revenge on one Jonathan Hodgman.

[49:18] I appreciate your support.

[49:20] And thank you for writing in.

[49:22] This is from John from Omaha.

[49:26] John Hodgman?

[49:27] No.

[49:28] It's titled – John, last name withheld.

[49:31] It's titled Overrated Directors.

[49:35] Does it ever annoy you when you see a movie you thought was alright, but critics overpraise it and or the director?

[49:40] I'm thinking of Seinfeld's own Elaine Bennis going insane when she feels she's the only person who hated the English patient.

[49:47] A recent example, people comparing Jason Reitman to Billy Wilder after just three movies.

[49:53] Yeah, that's garbage.

[49:54] I don't think Jason Reitman is a horrible director.

[49:56] I thought Up in the Air was an okay addition to the white people with problems genre.

[50:00] Mediocre, but would you really place it or his other two movies next to the apartment?

[50:04] No, do you guys have your own examples of directors of recent movies that don't merit the accolades heaped on them?

[50:09] Please don't select Paul Haggis or Dennis Dugan. They obviously deserve all the praise from

[50:15] Hey, do cinema. Thanks for the laughs Dan. Why don't you start off the answer on this one because I don't have one at the ready

[50:23] Allie is there a director that you think?

[50:30] You want to say something about horses, yes, you have horses on your t-shirt they are wearing

[50:37] I'll come back to

[50:39] You feel the director's question. I mean, I feel like nowadays almost every director is overrated to a certain extent the the

[50:47] superlatives just get thrown around so easily when a commercial can just label someone who's made two

[50:53] American movies and like a crapload of Hong Kong movies as a visionary director

[51:01] But I feel like I'm annoyed that every time he makes a movie it has to be like the great mythic American movie

[51:07] And they're not they're usually fairly mediocre now

[51:09] Yes

[51:10] I think a lot of like up in the air like Jason Reitman gets compared to

[51:14] Billy Wilder because they're just looking for something that some guy who made similar types of movies that were like

[51:20] comedies that had heart in them, but

[51:23] It's I think you know, they just doesn't match up in quality the I think but

[51:30] This is kind of a disjointed answer

[51:31] I mean standards have fallen very far in terms of movie making in the United States and elsewhere. So

[51:38] people have kind of lost their

[51:40] ability to tell really great stuff from not the fact that

[51:44] When Return of the King came out there was a quote in the commercial and commercial quotes are garbage

[51:49] Anyway, they have this quote on the Descendants commercial now where it says an American masterpiece. It's like

[51:56] Like that's stupid doesn't make I hate when they put American before stuff like that

[52:00] But the Return of the King quote in the commercial said never has a director aimed higher or achieved more

[52:05] It's like do you mean more?

[52:08] just fucking guys running at each other with swords on the screen ones like more orcs because

[52:13] Many directors have aimed higher and achieved more like yeah, Woody Allen never had any huge battle scenes in his movies except for Love and Death

[52:19] But he aimed higher and achieved more than you know, Peter Jackson who I like a lot did

[52:25] you know, I feel like everybody gets hyped up too much these days feel like it's a it's a shame that he pulled Paul Haggis from

[52:31] The consideration because I feel like that's the ideal kind of except I think Paul

[52:35] It's just very easy to to criticize Paul Haggis. All right

[52:38] Well, I mean we've criticized Ridley Scott before but I don't understand why he why he's considered like a master filmmaker

[52:45] Yeah, he seems I mean free pass. He has been he's been coasting on kind of his early science fiction movies for a long time

[52:52] Yeah

[52:54] Steven Spielberg you think

[52:55] Hallie's saying Spielberg and you know what he's whispering it so she doesn't get any recrimination

[53:00] You know what? I'll back Hallie up on this Steven Spielberg has made many great movies

[53:03] but he's also made many mediocre movies and we kind of have to pretend that every movie he comes out with is a

[53:10] beautiful poem to

[53:12] American

[53:13] What I don't know something and it's he's made a lot of movies that are not so amazing

[53:18] What has he made recently that's amazing, I mean if we're talking about

[53:22] coasting on your really early successes, I at least feel like

[53:28] My affinity to him is all based in nostalgia

[53:32] What can I see of his new movies that reminds me of this old world? The world is really good

[53:36] It's easier to pull out like but that's not necessarily I think I think I think that's that's the easier thing is like to pull

[53:42] out directors who were once

[53:45] Much better than they are like I have an affection for Robert Zemeckis based on you know

[53:52] Like back to the back to the future

[53:54] Roger Rabbit

[53:56] Romancing the stone used cars. I think those are all like really good movies except no one says that his recent movies are any good

[54:02] Just one of the guys

[54:04] That's not a Robert Zemeckis movie

[54:06] great bikini off-road adventure

[54:09] Invisible maniac I

[54:12] Would say when it comes to directors who are given too much praise all of them. Yeah, I

[54:19] Feel and it ruins them to a certain extent. I feel like a director like David Fincher

[54:23] Gets a lot of praise. He doesn't always deserve and it you know, it ruins him to certain

[54:28] I mean, I think that if anything

[54:30] Becoming a professional writer. It's the directors are not the be-all and end-all

[54:35] Like there's so much collaboration that goes into anything

[54:39] That that gets broadcast, yeah, you're always gonna have a point person

[54:43] I guess that's the thing that it bugs me when I go into

[54:46] Movies into a bookstores and they have screenplays from movies and it has the name of the director on the screenplay

[54:51] But not the writer like it'll be like stagecoach the screenplay John Ford. It's like well, you didn't write that. Come on

[55:03] You can

[55:04] be a

[55:06] consumer of movies and have such a

[55:09] Like anyone knows big-name directors and I think like most people don't know the people who wrote the screenplay. Yeah

[55:17] It's not it's something that like you you seek out that information and you know it if you're passionate about it

[55:23] but it's not something that like is is

[55:26] Like public knowledge. It's not as part of the mainstream of like an experience of a movie

[55:31] for the most part as like a director or you know, even a big even the big producer is

[55:39] So so I'm gonna say

[55:42] Overrated Jason Reitman that answer and Judd Apatow, but Edgar Wright deserves everything he gets

[55:48] so

[55:50] this final email of the evening

[55:53] Is

[55:55] from

[55:56] Jordan last name withheld

[55:58] Michael Jordan and it says Dan I'm writing you this email is a warning to you

[56:03] Even though it may cost me my life

[56:05] You and Stuart need to find a way to escape the maniacal machinations of your co-host Elliot Kalin what?

[56:11] You no doubt are aware of Elliot's we just an 8r get this guy

[56:15] You no doubt are aware of Elliot's funny or die video that he created in early October of this year entitled help me help make

[56:21] Elliot the next Andy Rooney. Yes, as you may be aware and mr. Rooney died over a month later

[56:27] clearly Elliot's fever desire to fill Andy Rooney's chair went unanswered for too long and

[56:32] Elliot decided to take matters into his own hands slaying the beloved TV icon in pursuit of his goal

[56:37] My primary concern now is for Stewart's and your safety

[56:40] I fear that Elliot will make demands on both of you someday

[56:43] And if you are unwilling to comply you will turn up deceased or missing possibly

[56:47] Before you choose to dismiss me as crazy ask yourself this Elliot's new bride certainly had a bow prior to dating and then marrying

[56:53] Elliot does anyone know where he is now?

[56:56] I mean course not women break up with guys all the time because Elliot

[57:00] Vanished him as he stood in the way of his desires

[57:02] And while I don't know this for sure

[57:04] I would be willing to speculate the person who used to hold Elliot's current job at the Daily Show

[57:09] May have vacated that position during due to outside influences or pressures

[57:13] Yes that she went to get a job at Parks and Recreation namely Elliot's unending stream of subtle and overt threats. No

[57:20] Whatever for the new girl very popular network show

[57:24] Whatever you do. Don't read this email on the air. Well, oh

[57:28] Don't read this email on the air while Elliot is in the room or else he may force his hand by exposing him for the cold-hearted

[57:35] Machiavellian monster he is and he may lash out right there and then best of luck Jordan last name with okay two things one

[57:42] Yes, Andy Rooney died shortly after I requested his job

[57:45] I think that's because Andy Rooney realized there was someone else on earth who could continue his legacy

[57:50] He could pass on the torch and finally give up the ghost literally

[57:55] In peace exactly saying good. There is another one and I'd no longer have to shoulder this burden anymore

[58:01] Please God release me into thy hands. I commend my spirit and that's what he did secondly

[58:07] Don't you try a thing Dan? Okay, I will destroy you. Okay. I wish you could see his face

[58:12] Stewart's not here. I wish he could see he will have one week with his new bride and when that week is up

[58:19] My wedding present is a week of peace

[58:21] I

[58:23] Should have said three weeks that says how long the ghost of Fruma Sarah gives a cycle and laser wolf in feather on the roof

[58:30] All right, anybody?

[58:32] Anybody we need more Jewish co-hosts

[58:35] so

[58:36] We are running very late. Let's do a speed round of

[58:40] Just naming a movie that you saw recently that you would recommend that you liked you enjoyed you thought was a good movie

[58:48] better say than zookeeper

[58:51] Let's

[58:54] Do you have a movie Holly because if you don't I can

[58:57] I watched Red State recently

[59:01] I'm not necessarily at this point late date a Kevin Smith fan because I think that

[59:08] He's too good he's gotten I mean, you know, he was always lazy and he's gotten lazier

[59:13] Wait, the man who hosts who does public appearances in a bathrobe is too lazy

[59:17] But Red State is actually actually the best directed I think of all of his movies

[59:23] It's very interesting praise

[59:26] No, but it does not feel like a Kevin Smith movie

[59:29] it feels more like sort of like a lesser Quentin Tarantino genre exercise and

[59:34] It's got a lot of great

[59:36] Character actors in it. It's got Steven Root. It's got John Goodman. It's got Michael Parks

[59:44] Leo it's got a couple actors from

[59:48] Breaking bad the one who plays Skyler and the guy was badger in it. It's it's it's it's just it's a

[59:55] Interesting movie it gets a little preachy, but it does things that you would not expect

[1:00:00] from it, and it's on Netflix Watch instantly, so I would recommend checking out Red State.

[1:00:05] I'm going to recommend a comedy from the 30s called The Octopus, which is a, it's about

[1:00:11] an hour long.

[1:00:12] It's super goofy.

[1:00:13] It stars, among other people, Hugh Herbert, and I can't remember anyone else who's in

[1:00:19] it, but it's really silly.

[1:00:22] It starts out kind of like a suspense thriller, and there's a giant octopus and tentacles

[1:00:28] and an evil criminal and murderers and things, but much of the movie is Hugh Herbert being

[1:00:34] scared by things and reacting in silly ways, and it's really funny, and it has a, there's

[1:00:39] a really, one really great makeup effect at the end that you don't see coming, and then

[1:00:44] it has one of the craziest endings of any movie I can imagine, so shh, The Octopus,

[1:00:49] I think is out on DVD now, so go find it.

[1:00:53] Ali, do you have, if you don't have anything, maybe, I mean, I will permit you to recommend

[1:00:57] like a TV show or something else if you don't have a movie off the top of your head, but.

[1:01:02] Wow, that is so condescending.

[1:01:04] Yeah, come on, just because she's a woman, she can't recommend a movie?

[1:01:07] Well, she's a recommend-trix.

[1:01:08] Serious, serious, Ali, though if you can't, I've got lots I can recommend, if that's okay.

[1:01:11] No, I'm trying to think if I'm remembering that, there is one movie that I'd like to

[1:01:15] recommend that I'm sure everybody else.

[1:01:17] It's called The Cutting Edge, it's about ice skating.

[1:01:21] It's called Newsies.

[1:01:22] No, but it was probably made around that time, but I'm trying to remember if I remember the

[1:01:26] right name of it.

[1:01:27] Just One of the Guys?

[1:01:28] No, I'm experiencing.

[1:01:29] Teen Witch.

[1:01:30] I want to recommend it.

[1:01:31] Baby's Day Out?

[1:01:32] Because I saw, okay, do you guys remember, what is Dangerous Beauty?

[1:01:37] When I say Dangerous Beauty, is that the one about the clothes on, okay, then that's the

[1:01:41] one I'm thinking of.

[1:01:42] Are you sure nothing of Stealing Beauty?

[1:01:43] No, I'm thinking of Dangerous Beauty.

[1:01:44] Where Liv Tyler loses her virginity in Tuscany?

[1:01:45] No, I'm thinking of Dangerous Beauty, because the other day I was walking to my subway stop

[1:01:50] and I happened to pass Rufus Sewell on the way there.

[1:01:54] Oh, Dark City is Rufus Sewell.

[1:01:55] And Dangerous Beauty is Rufus Sewell.

[1:01:58] I had my wisdom teeth taken out when I was about 15 years old, and one of the movies

[1:02:03] my mother rented for me was Dangerous Beauty, and I will tell you, if you have just had

[1:02:08] your wisdom teeth taken out, that is a very challenging new movie.

[1:02:18] So you're really recommending the experience of having your wisdom teeth pulled and then

[1:02:21] seeing Dangerous Beauty.

[1:02:22] That one guy is in it, Oliver Platt.

[1:02:24] That's the one guy you're referring to?

[1:02:28] I don't think anyone's ever said that one guy, Oliver Platt.

[1:02:31] He might have been in movies, one is respected, right?

[1:02:35] Yeah, he's a good actor.

[1:02:37] So he was in that.

[1:02:38] I mean, he was in Dan's favorite movie, Bullworth.

[1:02:41] Katherine McCormick?

[1:02:42] Dan's other favorite movie, Lake Placid.

[1:02:44] She was in Braveheart and she died.

[1:02:47] She's the star of this.

[1:02:49] She gets to do a lot more.

[1:02:50] They showcase her a lot more.

[1:02:52] They don't kill her off.

[1:02:54] Spoiler alert.

[1:02:56] Okay, guys.

[1:02:57] Well, I hate to cut this short, but this has been a lot of fun.

[1:03:00] I hate to cut this short.

[1:03:01] Longest episode ever.

[1:03:03] But it's been great to have you, Hallie.

[1:03:06] Is there anything you'd like to promote, Hallie?

[1:03:08] You want to plug something before we go?

[1:03:10] You don't have to.

[1:03:12] We're all going out to dinner.

[1:03:14] No, don't plug that.

[1:03:15] It's a private event.

[1:03:16] If I can plug, my next movie screening in New York at 92i Tribeca is coming up on December 7th,

[1:03:22] the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

[1:03:25] We're going to be showing The Scarlet Empress, the craziest of the Joseph von Sternberg,

[1:03:30] Marlene Dietrich collaborations.

[1:03:32] It's a really amazing looking and amazingly insane movie.

[1:03:37] And my guest that night will be comic book artist Michael Kupperman,

[1:03:40] who you may know from Snake and Bacon's Cartoon Cabaret or Tales Designed to Thrizzle

[1:03:45] or his new book about Mark Twain that just came out.

[1:03:48] So that's December 7th at 7.30pm, 92i Tribeca, The Scarlet Empress.

[1:03:53] Okay.

[1:03:54] Well, I'm going to say goodnight.

[1:03:57] Do you have anything you want to promote, Dan?

[1:03:59] I want to promote the end of this podcast.

[1:04:02] Coming soon to a podcast you're listening to.

[1:04:05] For The Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:04:07] I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[1:04:09] I'm Hallie Hagelin.

[1:04:11] Night, everyone.

[1:04:15] Baby.

[1:04:16] Boo-boo.

[1:04:17] Ba-ba.

[1:04:18] Bordello.

[1:04:19] Baby.

[1:04:20] Of blood.

[1:04:21] Got.

[1:04:22] Back.

[1:04:23] Goo-goo.

[1:04:24] Beep-boop.

[1:04:25] Beep-boop-bop.

[1:04:26] Ga-ga-goo-goo, baby robot.

[1:04:27] I hope you're keeping all this.

[1:04:28] This is gold.

[1:04:29] Yeah, it's fine.

The Flop House: Episode #91 - Zookeeper

Transcript

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