The Flop House: Episode #92 - Country Strong

[0:00] In this episode we discuss Gwyneth Paltrow's latest excuse to start singing country strong

[0:30] Hello, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCloy.

[0:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] And I'm Elliott the Belliet Kaelin. It's a new nickname I'm working out. I don't

[0:42] know what it means, but I'm trying it out.

[0:45] It's cause you gained all that weight over the Thanksgiving holiday.

[0:48] Thank you for calling attention to that. I gained 72 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday.

[0:52] Seems inaccurate, right?

[0:54] I ate five or six full turkeys. I blacked out after the fifth one and then they just

[0:58] told me I had some more.

[0:59] That's because of the tryptophan in the turkey that made you black out.

[1:02] Exactly, and I sleep ate, so, you know.

[1:05] Okay.

[1:06] A lot of Doritos, too.

[1:08] Burritos?

[1:09] No, Doritos.

[1:10] Okay.

[1:11] Inside burritos.

[1:12] Oh, okay.

[1:13] Yeah. Dorito burritos. I call them Zerbers.

[1:16] This is the first time we've all been together since your wedding. I mean, first time for

[1:20] the show that we've all been together, at least.

[1:23] Yeah, my wedding. Dan's talking to me.

[1:25] Yeah, we've all got wedding rings on right now.

[1:29] So, no girls allowed.

[1:31] No boys only.

[1:33] Where the girls aren't.

[1:35] That's exactly the opposite of what this means.

[1:37] The manhole.

[1:39] Guys, guys, guys.

[1:41] I guess we're all married to each other.

[1:43] Married to the flop.

[1:45] I wasn't aware of what was going on, but, you know, I'm comfortable with that.

[1:48] Are you?

[1:50] Here, let me put my hand on your leg.

[1:52] Feels great.

[1:54] If TV and movies are to be believed...

[1:56] And of course they are.

[1:58] I'm never going to have sex again.

[2:00] And I wear a lot of slacks.

[2:04] Yes.

[2:06] A lot of slacks? So, like, several at the same time?

[2:08] Yeah, multiple pairs.

[2:10] Five pairs of slacks.

[2:12] Because I want to give my genitals a big insulation, like a cushion.

[2:14] Yeah, well, you're not going to use them.

[2:16] I want to look like a muffin down there.

[2:22] You're going to have your own special place in the garage?

[2:24] Thank you for coming to my wedding, guys.

[2:26] I'm sorry that Dan didn't bring the recording equipment

[2:28] so that our listeners could get a snippet, a taste of...

[2:30] There was a request for it.

[2:32] But...

[2:34] I think better they didn't get a taste

[2:36] because it would be hard for anyone to get a taste of the wedding

[2:38] without being so unhappy that they weren't there

[2:40] when they found out how good it was.

[2:42] Just like a single taste would have driven them mad.

[2:44] Exactly. Nothing would ever be so good again.

[2:46] Sure.

[2:48] If I was recording the wedding, too,

[2:50] all that people would hear would be,

[2:52] Splash! Splash! Splash! Pool!

[2:54] Pool!

[2:56] And just the sound of Speedos slapping

[2:58] against each other.

[3:00] And somewhere in the background,

[3:02] we've got to take control by Bobby Brown

[3:04] con the Ghostbusters 2.

[3:06] Wouldn't it be Ghostbusters Dos?

[3:08] I don't think they say that, do they?

[3:10] I mean, that's the number 2

[3:12] in Spanish.

[3:14] No, I know, but in other countries...

[3:16] Los Bustos de los Fantasmas Dos!

[3:20] That's not how they do it.

[3:22] Oh, how do they do it?

[3:24] I don't know.

[3:26] You want to say anything about your wedding, Stuart?

[3:28] It was lovely.

[3:30] Thank you for all the well-wishes.

[3:32] All of our listeners

[3:34] who gave us well-wishes

[3:36] on the Facebook page.

[3:38] And for those who didn't give Stuart well-wishes,

[3:40] Shame! Shame on you!

[3:42] Sons of bitches.

[3:44] And daughters. I don't discriminate.

[3:46] Sons of daughters?

[3:48] Everyone is probably a son of a daughter.

[3:51] Well, except for one.

[3:55] But yeah, it was a great wedding.

[3:57] Next time, you should invite

[3:59] all the Flophouse listeners.

[4:01] I should, right?

[4:03] Are we spending all this time talking about

[4:05] my wedding because the movie we watched

[4:07] tonight was, I mean, really good?

[4:09] Yeah, it was so good.

[4:11] We have nothing bad to say?

[4:15] Yeah, we watched a movie called

[4:17] Country Strong.

[4:19] In Spanish.

[4:23] This was Gwyneth Paltrow.

[4:25] I can only assume

[4:27] seeing

[4:29] You can only assume it's Gwyneth Paltrow.

[4:31] Could have been a skeleton.

[4:33] Could have been some Halloween skeleton

[4:35] with a wig on it.

[4:37] I can only assume it was Gwyneth Paltrow.

[4:39] I mean, I was not there.

[4:41] It could have been someone in a Gwyneth Paltrow suit.

[4:45] No, I was going to say

[4:47] someone in a Gwyneth Paltrow suit.

[4:49] He's a very talented physical performer.

[4:51] I'm sure he could do it.

[4:53] No, I was going to say

[4:55] I can only assume this was Gwyneth Paltrow

[4:57] seeing Jeff Bridges

[4:59] having made Crazy Heart.

[5:01] Did this come out after Crazy Heart?

[5:03] It did, yeah.

[5:05] To the same accolades.

[5:07] No, not at all.

[5:09] Not at all.

[5:11] The weird thing

[5:13] Follow me, guys.

[5:15] Don't say what this movie was about.

[5:17] Is Garrett Hedlund

[5:19] the guy in this movie

[5:21] was in the Tron movie

[5:23] Tron Legacy

[5:25] with Jeff Bridges

[5:27] Uh-oh.

[5:29] Who was in The Last Picture Show

[5:31] with Cloris Leachman

[5:33] Keep it going.

[5:35] Who was in Young Frankenstein

[5:37] with Mel Brooks

[5:39] who was in Life Stinks

[5:41] with the cast of Life Stinks

[5:43] Mel Brooks movie that I knew the cast of

[5:45] Oh, that was a mistake.

[5:47] Who was in Spaceballs

[5:49] with Pete's of the Hut

[5:51] who was in Last Tango in Paris

[5:53] with Marlon Brando

[5:55] Marlon Brando and Pete's of the Hut

[5:57] have been in a number of films together.

[5:59] He plays himself all the time, Marlon Brando.

[6:01] Yeah.

[6:03] Pete's of the Hut just disappears into the roles.

[6:05] That was him as the lead woman

[6:07] in Last Tango in Paris.

[6:09] Pete's of the Hut.

[6:11] Rub this pizza grease on your ass

[6:13] and then

[6:15] Okay.

[6:17] That's weird.

[6:19] Still weird.

[6:21] So, pizza grease

[6:23] on one's ass.

[6:25] Sounds like it would burn you.

[6:27] I think we've already addressed

[6:29] the effects of pizza on one's genitals.

[6:31] Country Strong.

[6:33] So what's Country Strong about?

[6:35] I'm glad you asked.

[6:37] Gwyneth Paltrow plays

[6:39] Kelly Cantor

[6:41] You know like when a horse

[6:43] slowly walks somewhere?

[6:45] Or like the sacred singer in Jewish prayer.

[6:47] Oh, okay.

[6:49] I don't think it's spelled that way.

[6:51] How's it spelled?

[6:55] They're spelled the same way.

[6:57] Actually, I think it's spelled a little differently.

[6:59] Kelly Cantor, who is a

[7:01] hit country music superstar

[7:03] sensation, they say it a couple times

[7:05] she's a six-time Grammy winner

[7:07] Like a woman Garth Brooks.

[7:09] Exactly. Garthina Brooks.

[7:11] But we find her

[7:13] in rehab.

[7:15] Seems she's had a little bit of a problem

[7:17] which involved a miscarriage

[7:19] and alcohol. So I don't know why I said

[7:21] a little bit of a problem in a coy way

[7:23] as if it was cute or funny.

[7:25] She's being pushed by her husband

[7:27] slash manager to leave rehab

[7:29] and get back in the biz.

[7:31] Played by real-life Country Strong

[7:33] Tim McGraw.

[7:36] Yes, he is a real-life Country Strong

[7:38] as opposed to the actors playing

[7:40] Country Strongs, which the rest of the movie is.

[7:42] Not to be confused with Tug McGraw

[7:44] who is not in the film, but should have been.

[7:46] Tim McGraw, who's

[7:48] a real-life country star who does not

[7:50] sing in the movie, but

[7:52] the other actors do. Who are these other actors?

[7:54] Where there's Garrett

[7:56] Hedlunds, who plays

[7:58] an orderly at the rehab center

[8:00] who's also a country singer.

[8:02] He says he's her sponsor, but he's not.

[8:04] And he's also

[8:06] having an affair with Gwyneth Paltrow.

[8:08] Which is what a sponsor shouldn't do.

[8:10] Yes.

[8:12] As seen in season 2 of Dexter.

[8:14] Spoiler alert.

[8:16] For Dexter.

[8:18] Season 2.

[8:20] Second season.

[8:22] It's not very good, but it

[8:24] picks up again. But not in season 3.

[8:26] Which gets worse.

[8:28] I thought this was the Flopster.

[8:30] Flop-fect-ster.

[8:32] No, the other country star.

[8:34] You can't say Flixer, because that's already

[8:36] taken.

[8:38] There's another young country singer

[8:40] that Tim McGraw is pushing, played by

[8:42] Leighton Meister, who's a former beauty pageant

[8:44] who now wants to be a country singer.

[8:46] But she has stage fright, which she gets

[8:48] over in about 5 minutes.

[8:50] I'm only to assume this is after she has

[8:52] that roommate problem.

[8:54] Which she is the problem.

[8:56] She's the

[8:58] roommate that kills that kitty.

[9:00] Uh-huh.

[9:02] Minka Kelly is the killer.

[9:04] Minka Kelly has to throw her out a window or something.

[9:06] How did she die in that?

[9:08] Thrown out a window.

[9:10] Under a bullet or something.

[9:12] That's where I was.

[9:14] Probably.

[9:16] Well, it was in a tree,

[9:18] which was the weird thing.

[9:20] Yeah.

[9:22] There's not a lot of plot in this movie.

[9:24] Gwyneth Paltrow goes back on tour.

[9:26] It's like a mumblecore movie.

[9:28] It is like a mumblecore movie because

[9:30] you can't hear what people are saying half the time.

[9:32] It's about real-life situations.

[9:34] Not really.

[9:36] It's loosely based on the same story

[9:38] you've seen in other country music

[9:40] movies that are based on real people

[9:42] where it's like, she has a drinking

[9:44] problem, it's hard to deal with the

[9:46] stress of being famous and being a country singer.

[9:48] Her husband, she thinks

[9:50] is cheating on her with Leighton Meister, although

[9:52] we never actually see that happen.

[9:54] She's threatened by Leighton Meister's

[9:56] up-and-comingness,

[9:58] she relies on the...

[10:00] of Garrett Hedlund, but not as much as she should.

[10:04] That's Bo, right? That's the character Bo?

[10:06] Yeah, Bo.

[10:07] Bo in the Leighton Meester is Chili's?

[10:09] Her name is Chiles Stanton.

[10:11] Okay.

[10:12] That's not a real name, though, right?

[10:13] No. Well, neither is Bo something.

[10:15] Well, I mean, I've heard the name Bo before. I've never heard somebody named Chiles.

[10:19] Chiles sounds like it would be like an undercover cop in a TV show, or like a drug dealer or something.

[10:24] Dan?

[10:25] Or a restaurant.

[10:26] I thought it was Giles for a while.

[10:29] And somebody's butler was supposed to walk into the room.

[10:32] It's not Chiles?

[10:33] It's not Chiles either. I thought it was Chiles 2.

[10:36] Yeah. Chiles 2, the sequel?

[10:38] Yeah. The parenting.

[10:43] Now they're the parents.

[10:45] But basically, like, there's a song that Gwyneth Paltrow's going to sing.

[10:49] Who does the Goonies sequel, by the way?

[10:51] Goonies 2, the parenting?

[10:52] Yeah, where the Goonies are now the parents, and they have a new crop of Goonies.

[10:57] They've got to teach how to goon.

[10:59] Yeah.

[11:00] The goonening.

[11:01] They have to remember what it's like to be a goonie. It's like the coon.

[11:04] Well, because they've sold out after the success of the first Goonies.

[11:06] Yeah. Well, because they had all that money from King Willy's gold or whatever the shit.

[11:10] No, Willow. From Willow's gold.

[11:14] So, back to Country Strong.

[11:16] So anyway, it's a big ball of soap opera, but not a lot really happens.

[11:19] There's some crying. There's some fussing. There's some feuding.

[11:23] Gwyneth Paltrow manages to pull it together for the final big concert in Dallas,

[11:27] where she had her mishap that led to her drunkenly losing her baby.

[11:31] And then, spoiler alert, she dies from an overdose of pills.

[11:36] Yeah. Deliberate overdose.

[11:38] Deliberate overdose. She commits suicide.

[11:40] And then Leighton Meester and Garrett Hegman.

[11:43] And then, like, a phoenix reborn from the ashes.

[11:45] Garrett Hegman goes.

[11:47] A new generation of Country Strongs are unleashed upon the world.

[11:51] And it's ended with the promise of a professional cooperation and maybe more romance between the Lincoln makers and Garamond Goop.

[12:00] I think they were better with the romance than the professional.

[12:06] I mean they're both famous now.

[12:07] I mean – but I mean in comparison to what?

[12:10] Like they don't really give you a sense of the outside world and famousness.

[12:14] Like you don't see their cover on Star magazine or anything.

[12:17] No, but you see – you hear –

[12:19] That's how I judge if somebody is famous or not.

[12:21] But they do like big press conferences and a reporter asks him, what's it like to have your life change almost overnight?

[12:26] But what if it's like it's all like gaslighting or something like in the game?

[12:30] They want to steal his jewelry?

[12:32] So in the game, so you're saying that this is all something his brother set up to entertain him?

[12:37] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[12:38] For his birthday?

[12:39] Yeah, it's all a part of a big birthday celebration.

[12:41] I don't think so.

[12:43] OK.

[12:44] And there's nothing in the film to support that reading.

[12:48] But you're right.

[12:49] There's no sense of – we occasionally see cheering fans outside of a concert, and we see the audience clap along to songs.

[12:56] But there's no sense of – that these people exist in a world that has anyone in it but these people.

[13:01] And whatever fame they might have, at no point do you see them living differently.

[13:07] Like he's still got that scraggly beard.

[13:09] He's still wearing a weird shirt.

[13:11] He dresses the same, yeah.

[13:13] People always walk into scenes in this movie as if they forgot they were going to be in a movie that day.

[13:18] Well, if there's – I mean if there's one thing young, handsome stars are known for, it's for being clean-shaven and kempt, Stuart.

[13:28] That's – we live in an age of real – just like snappy, sharp –

[13:34] Wow.

[13:36] I don't understand that.

[13:37] I don't know why you're jumping all over him like this.

[13:39] Well, I mean at least like most actors when they have –

[13:42] Could this be the end of The Flophouse?

[13:44] Dan, most actors when they –

[13:46] Probably not. It would be an abrupt way to finish the episode.

[13:49] Yeah, that's true.

[13:50] It would be like the Twin Peaks ending. Spoiler alert.

[13:52] And then –

[13:54] But what I'm saying is that –

[13:56] We all have to imagine that someone would come and save us from the Black Lodge, as I like to imagine.

[14:01] Okay.

[14:02] Okay, let's go deep into our fucking Twin Peaks mythos here.

[14:06] So one thing is that –

[14:07] Right, so the backwards-talking dwarf.

[14:08] Is the beau character has a beard that looks like somebody glued it on his face and patches.

[14:14] Like it's not a real beard.

[14:16] No. It looks like he gets up every morning, starts to shave, and goes, eh, and then just leaves the rest of it.

[14:21] I don't know if he even shaves. It's like he takes a pair of fingernail clippers to some of his beard and then gives up.

[14:27] He takes a piece of masking tape, and he just kind of sticks it on his face, and whatever hair he gets pulled out, it gets pulled out.

[14:32] And he sells the rest to a doll company.

[14:35] Very Dickensian.

[14:40] So he pays the bills on this horrible life he lives.

[14:44] It's called getting a Nicaraguan, by the way. Brazilian, they use wax. Nicaraguan is just masking tape.

[14:49] Yeah, it mainly just gets lint out of the beard. That's the primary –

[14:54] But I mean like the –

[14:55] I also forgot to mention – well, I'll tell you after you say – I forgot a character.

[15:00] The Kevin Smith cameo? Is that what you're talking about?

[15:03] No. There's a – Gwyneth Paltrow has found in the forest around the rehab place a tiny bird that she has named Loretta Lynn to remind us of Better Country Singers.

[15:13] And she says, I'm taking care of him, and her husband for some reason decides, I'm going to take this bird away from you, and then later –

[15:20] You can't have nice things.

[15:22] And then just carries –

[15:23] But I'm going to go along with it and carry this fucking box around all the time.

[15:27] You see him carrying a box with a little bird in it all around.

[15:31] I mean it's a good way to sort of keep people on their guard. You're not expecting them to have like a bird in a box.

[15:40] And as an actor like Tim McGraw who's kind of new to the whole acting biz, it's good for him to have like a physical object for him to kind of –

[15:47] Yeah, because he doesn't know what to do with his hands.

[15:49] Yeah, that's the thing.

[15:50] Yeah, he just put them in his pockets otherwise.

[15:52] I was going to say –

[15:53] He's so used to strumming a guitar, you know, guys?

[15:55] A keytar.

[15:56] That's why he was strumming that bird through most of the movie.

[15:59] Strumming the – yeah, and the bird would just go, it's a living!

[16:05] No, I was going to say that the real triumph of this movie, of course, is –

[16:10] Of the will.

[16:11] It's a cavalcade of likable characters, characters that we really care about.

[16:16] It is a movie where –

[16:17] We admire, we enjoy.

[16:19] When a major character dies, you're like, oh, yeah, all right.

[16:25] Like there's no – not even a pang of anger at the movie for killing a character for no reason.

[16:29] I mean that's one less character to sing songs.

[16:32] I guess they weren't country strong enough.

[16:34] When Gwyneth Paltrow kills herself at the end, you are left kind of thinking like –

[16:38] You talked about it already.

[16:40] Dan, don't ruin the movie.

[16:42] When she kills herself at the end, it kind of feels like, okay, yeah, that was a reasonable response.

[16:48] Like you've – I mean that was a move there.

[16:51] Yeah, she wants to burn out.

[16:52] She doesn't want to fade away.

[16:53] Yeah, exactly.

[16:54] It's a logical move for you to make.

[16:55] I mean you kind of –

[16:56] Live fast, die young and leave a skeletal corpse.

[16:58] From what we've seen, you don't really have that much to offer people.

[17:01] So sure, why not?

[17:03] Yeah, none of these characters are – create any sense of connection with the audience.

[17:06] Well, what about when she made all those friends at that bar when she was wasted and then left that bird to die?

[17:10] And she also sang a song for a kid with leukemia who made a wish.

[17:14] Yep, and she had sex with that sleazy concert promoter.

[17:17] Almost had sex with a sleazy concert promoter.

[17:19] Well, she might have been having sex.

[17:20] I think she was mid-sex when –

[17:22] They were getting there.

[17:24] I don't think.

[17:25] I mean they were wearing a lot of clothes, but she's – we covered this.

[17:29] You know what I'm talking about.

[17:30] Oh yeah, that's true.

[17:31] We did.

[17:32] Okay, not something that the listeners need to hear.

[17:34] I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow, like – I don't need my main characters to necessarily be like –

[17:40] Be likable.

[17:41] Yeah, but I mean there's nothing to latch on to.

[17:43] Like she – like this is a character who is like mid-

[17:49] 30s.

[17:50] Mid-meltdown through the entire film.

[17:52] Like she – like we see two concerts where she totally dicks over her fans by like coming out.

[17:59] Like the first one, she comes out, half finishes two songs, and then leaves because she can't do anything.

[18:05] She's having a mental breakdown.

[18:06] The second one, she's so drunk that she can't go out on stage at all.

[18:10] She's having some kind of a metamorphosis.

[18:12] She's constantly –

[18:13] Yeah, turns into a big cockroach.

[18:14] She's constantly having sex with Bo, but then like yelling at her husband.

[18:18] Well, that's her problem.

[18:19] We don't actually see her constantly having sex with him.

[18:21] Yeah, it's like not like she's on stage singing while she's having sex with him.

[18:24] She's having sex with Bo a lot.

[18:26] She alludes to him.

[18:27] And then she's getting mad at her husband all the time.

[18:30] For smiling at him.

[18:32] Yeah, possibly.

[18:33] She suspects her husband of like grooming Leighton Meister to be the next – be his next woman I guess.

[18:38] But there's really no evidence that he's doing that and at the same time, Gwyneth Paltrow is openly pretty much having an affair with Bo.

[18:47] Like we know that from moment one of the movie.

[18:50] So that's going on.

[18:51] You got her husband who like broke her out of rehab early.

[18:56] He gave her a cake with a file in it.

[18:58] Basically just because he was like, OK, well, you're my meal ticket.

[19:04] You're the big country star.

[19:05] We got to get you back on the road.

[19:07] So he's not great.

[19:08] You got Bo who is screwing this unstable woman.

[19:13] And he does a lot of scowling and whining.

[19:15] And then he's also putting the moves on Leighton Meister and then when it looks like –

[19:19] Putting the penis on Leighton Meister.

[19:21] Yeah, he does put his penis on her.

[19:23] On her?

[19:24] Lays it gently on the crown of her head.

[19:27] Give her an idea.

[19:29] It's called a Trojan helmet.

[19:31] Hold on.

[19:32] He's like this –

[19:33] It's called a Spartan.

[19:34] This penis is really – it's a little heavy.

[19:36] Like I've been carrying this thing around between my legs all day.

[19:39] Can I just rest it on you for a moment?

[19:42] She was asleep.

[19:43] She didn't know.

[19:44] Can you help me carry the load?

[19:47] I mean Leighton Meister is – starts out being a very unlikable character.

[19:51] And then I felt becomes a more likable character.

[19:55] She's the only one I liked.

[19:56] And those dimples didn't hurt anything.

[20:00] sure she's a she's a she's a cute lady real cutie pie she's a yeah she's a

[20:04] sweetie pie honey it almost it almost made me crazy roommate she was remember

[20:10] guys she was in the room she had those weird weird taste in art I think she was

[20:14] playing a different character Stuart I think these are two separate we'll talk

[20:19] about that later Patrick Swayze in Point Break and Roadhouse yes this weird

[20:25] moment at the end we're like James Earl Jones in Star Wars and the Great White

[20:28] Hope same person coming to America same person he's king of an African country

[20:35] and then he becomes king of a space empire that's that's what Darth is

[20:39] that's the title is space Empire King would he be an emperor no no there is an

[20:45] emperor okay so he's a king of a vassal of a principality yeah he's he's a he's

[20:51] the Cape Viscount right yeah he's much higher than a Viscount yeah let's do

[20:57] this come on no but like it also bothers king of space that the two

[21:02] country the two young country strong yeah Bo and Leighton Meester like they

[21:07] both want to be country stars like they both want to sing country song yeah

[21:12] they're they're opening for Gwyneth Paltrow's character but for some reason

[21:16] Bo like lays this like weird guilt trip on Leighton Meester about like oh you

[21:20] can sing your pop country music and then like seems like he's mad at her at

[21:24] the end when she's like soaking in the adoration of the crowd they try to draw

[21:27] a line between that he's the real he's got the soul of art an artist he

[21:32] doesn't care if he's performing in a stadium or in a grungy biker bar as long

[21:35] as he's playing his music the way he wants to play his music and he stands

[21:39] for real country old-time soul whereas Leighton Meister is like a pop Carrie

[21:44] Underwood type except their songs sound exactly the same

[21:48] like Justin Bieber was complaining about all these these sellouts that play

[21:53] shitty pop music Justin Bieber was like Kesha you've got to really find the soul

[21:57] of your music and then he comes out and plays what a baby baby sorry if I've

[22:04] just alienated all the flop house listeners yeah real Bieber for the real

[22:08] peep heads yeah well we play mainly to an audience of tweens that's what I find

[22:12] when I look at our demographic breakdowns I can't believe you hired

[22:18] that that demographics company to find out the numbers to do a poll of our

[22:23] listeners yeah what's my curate right now like eight yeah it's eight point

[22:36] three is that good what's it out of like eight point three two I don't know I

[22:40] know that the Stewart has twelve wormy boners and Dan how many boring Leonardo's

[22:49] are you at I don't want to Leonardo Scrooge McDuck study so I don't I was

[23:00] mainly by you two and and about how many tweens we could we could draw you what's

[23:06] your pervasoid rating you still at number one or have you slipped in the

[23:09] rankings I like it right Ratner surpassed you as a pervasoid he is more

[23:16] of a dick and I'm the pervasoid as a more important question is the city

[23:22] Duckburg on the planet that Howard the duck is from and if so does Scrooge

[23:27] McDuck no quack food I don't know the demographics people can answer that

[23:31] it's a little more of an astrophysics question and then I have a sub question

[23:36] what are the tenants of quack food and why does it just look like he dodges

[23:41] around and hits people with objects you find well that's the tenet of quack food

[23:45] sure don't get hit hit people with objects you find yeah mainly a style of

[23:50] fighting based around fighting human beings as opposed to other duck yes well

[23:54] it's a quack food teaches you to fight people who are bigger and less feathered

[23:58] than you sure it's much like it's it has a lot of things in common with the

[24:02] double dragon fighting style okay except that with quack food you don't expect

[24:05] your enemies to fade away and turn into big things of meat they eat uh-huh why

[24:12] were the giant guys and double dragon called a bobo's so country strong is the

[24:28] name of a song that Gwyneth Paltrow does sing yeah by the time you get to that

[24:31] song you're like yeah country strong yeah this is what I came to see there

[24:37] we got title about an hour and a million years into it I mean this is a very slow

[24:43] board well the thing is this is the kind of this is such a it's such a cliche old

[24:47] story like the fading star the up-and-coming star the rivalries the

[24:53] two men and like they could have made this movie in the 30s the 40s the 50s

[24:57] the 60s 70s except in those versions it would have been like over that it would

[25:02] have been so much more emotional and so much more big well here it was like just

[25:06] kind of awesome it's that 90s style of filmmaking or not 90s sorry that 21st

[25:11] century of filmmaking where everything's like really subdued and not there's not

[25:15] a lot of energy to anything well and the only innovation they've added is in

[25:19] making you not sympathize with any of the major characters I mean this is a

[25:25] movie that like clearly the the thing the driving force behind it was Gwyneth

[25:30] Paltrow being like I like to sing and people you know telling Gwyneth Paltrow

[25:34] that she has a nice voice which she does yeah that's fine I mean but like that

[25:39] was the thing Andrea Bocelli but who is a good I'm not like screaming and

[25:43] tearing in my ear holes but a good a good quarter of the film at least was

[25:48] musical pleasure was musical performances yeah and everyone I think

[25:54] was credible as country singers yeah no one embarrassed themselves but that's

[26:00] about no one had to do any like talk singing yeah actors do when they can't

[26:04] really sing like like I've grown accustomed to her face that like

[26:09] basically Rex Harrison yeah but bring a woman to your life did that that that

[26:14] that that you know it's the it's kind of interesting that all that these actors

[26:19] got so like into the project so invested in the project to spend all this time

[26:24] like basically trying to become country singers first and then be in this movie

[26:28] second like it's not like the fucking dialogue leapt off the page like no

[26:33] that's true it's not like it is the singing that was probably the quality

[26:36] like people who perform have the disease where they want to get up also and sing

[26:42] in front of people okay so you're saying that the opportunity to pursue a fake

[26:47] singing career was right well it's very easy for a fake singing career to become

[26:52] a real singing career okay and and frankly like it's kind of weird frankly

[26:58] and Frank and frankly the diary writer yeah yeah well I won't get into that

[27:05] sure that's not it that's not a funny day that's not a profitable line of

[27:09] comedy the like America seems to be one of the few countries where big actors

[27:15] don't automatically have a singing career like I watched as tears go by the

[27:22] Wong Kar-wai movie recently and I was looking up stuff about it and I didn't

[27:26] even realize that like the big Hong Kong stars are also huge music stars like

[27:31] Andy Lau has an enormous singing career you know and it's just taking this it's

[27:35] taking for granted like you're a big star so you're big star in everything you

[27:40] know so I guess Gwyneth wanted a little taste of that painting painting yeah

[27:46] sculpture engraving sure physics wait did you already say sculpture I think

[27:55] so I think that's why you're thinking of it yeah but the so let me ask you a

[28:01] question or did you have something you're gonna say now no no let me open

[28:05] up the table to discuss the owning okay okay so the movie crazy heart did you

[28:10] guys see it yeah yeah I thought it's not what we watch tonight we watch country

[28:13] strong no I didn't mean did you see it tonight okay have you seen it in the

[28:16] past yes I have so this movie in terms of the overall outlines of the plot not

[28:21] that different from crazy heart right crazy heart was a much better movie what

[28:26] do you think the difference is is it just that the writing was better or what

[28:31] that you could hear what people were saying when they talked or that's a good

[28:37] question I mean I I don't think that there is anything in crazy heart where

[28:44] like that character is inherently more likable like by his actions by his

[28:53] actions like he loses a kid at a mall he's a bad boyfriend but Jeff Bridges

[28:58] has just an inherent likability whereas I mean Gwyneth Paltrow I don't share the

[29:04] hate that a lot of people have for her like I've liked her and things but she

[29:08] is noted for having sort of a chilly demeanor so if you make her so being an

[29:13] unlikable character so being a self-destructive diva yeah fits Jeff

[29:18] Bridges but not Gwyneth Paltrow interesting okay that's a good that's a

[29:22] good answer the well and also the crazy art doesn't quite so much have that like

[29:27] the reflected like here's a star past their prime and these are some new up

[29:33] and coming stars crazy hard I don't feel really I mean it kind of had it with

[29:36] Colin Colin Farrell but he was he was more he's already a star he's like it's

[29:40] crazy heart Colin Farrell has already far surpassed Jeff Bridges yeah Bridges

[29:45] is and the story's not really about him yeah whereas this movie a lot of it's

[29:49] about the fucking beau character who's fairly broadly drawn yeah very bland and

[29:55] I can also genuinely buy the sort of issues of authenticity

[30:00] that Crazy Heart tries to bring it because they do differentiate the sounds of the different types

[30:04] of country music that are used in that movie. That's true. Those are all good answers.

[30:08] And Jeff Bridges is a, the Crazy Heart Jeff Bridges character, bad, whatever,

[30:15] is a much more believable alcoholic to me than Gweneth Paltrow who all of a sudden,

[30:22] her alcoholism is displayed by every once in a while you'll walk into a room and she'll be

[30:26] shit-faced with a bottle of vodka. Yeah, I mean, that was one of the things about the movie. I

[30:31] knew going in that she was supposed to be playing an alcoholic, but I was like, I wonder when the

[30:35] alcoholism is supposed to kick in. And then I was just like, oh, there's a bottle of vodka on the

[30:39] table. I guess she's supposed to be drunk right now. I didn't get that. Yeah, whereas in Crazy

[30:43] Heart it feels like alcohol is just a necessary component to his life at all times. Coming out

[30:48] of his pores at all moments. I mean, if you go to see The Sense Around, I think those are all

[30:54] good examples. Okay, now Country Strong. Country Strong, on the other hand, has Gweneth Paltrow

[30:59] singing to a bald child in a cancer ward. Yeah, I mean, he's not just bald. I brought up cancer

[31:06] afterwards to clarify. One, he's not in a cancer ward, he's in a classroom. All right. And two,

[31:10] you say bald child as if that's crazy because he has a horrible life-threatening disease. No,

[31:14] no, I say that as if, like get a wig, kid. That's what I'm saying. I say that. Bring a hat.

[31:21] I say that as if to- That just accentuates his lack of hair.

[31:25] To bring attention to the fact- Sadness? To bring sadness to our listeners?

[31:31] That if you want bathos, if you want a movie that- You can't just-

[31:37] Wallows in, like there's nothing more just like to make you feel creepy and ooky than Gweneth

[31:44] Paltrow. Like the Addams Family? Singing to this cancer child with her like,

[31:52] you know, like acoustic. I don't know. For guys. It feels like when Paltrow, the actress,

[31:57] being like, this is the scene. Yeah, this is what's going to win me that Oscar.

[32:01] I'm going to- Either that or one of the scenes where I yell-

[32:03] Me and the sick child. That's what's going to put me over the edge.

[32:06] The one where she yells about her dead baby bird or whatever.

[32:10] Yeah, okay. Or wait, did that not happen?

[32:12] They kind of gloss over what happens to the bird. They probably cut that out. That was in the

[32:16] alternate ending that we didn't get to see. The original ending, they walk in on her.

[32:20] This is my assumption. Okay, paint us a picture.

[32:23] I read that the DVD has the original ending, but we don't know what it is. We didn't watch

[32:26] the DVD. We watched it off of TiVo. So here's what I imagine. They walk into her room.

[32:32] There's pills on the table. They can't wake her up. Uh-oh, they're going, Kelly, Kelly,

[32:37] wake up. Oh, what did you do? Kelly, Kelly. And they're, oh God, she's dead. She pops up.

[32:42] Gotcha, I'm okay, but my bird is dead. Cut to the funeral, tiny casket.

[32:48] Bird funeral, sure. The pallbearers are all other birds.

[32:50] Pallbearer, the sidekick of the Undertaker? Yes.

[32:53] Okay. That's weird.

[32:56] He's performing the service. WWE, country music, I get it.

[33:00] Yeah, they put a tiny shoebox into the dirt. But there's a huge monument above it.

[33:05] Oh, of course. Like many, many times life size.

[33:07] And for some reason the bird has a book tucked under its wing, and in the other wing it holds a

[33:12] star. Okay, so it's like a songbird.

[33:14] And she says, for you, birdie bird, because she's already forgotten Loretta Lynn is the name of the

[33:20] bird. Okay.

[33:20] For you, birdie bird, I will continue to be. And she turns to the camera, close up,

[33:24] look at the camera, country strong. Title comes up, you hear a gunshot for some reason,

[33:28] but no one's hurt. Just like an exciting like, pew, pew, fireworks go off.

[33:32] You hear somebody saying, sure. Then we cut to obligatory rap scene.

[33:37] She tells the story of the movie in rap form. With like a fish eye lens.

[33:42] Exactly. While the animated ghost of the dead bird

[33:46] flips around her shoulder. Well, the ghost of the dead bird

[33:48] is like her hype man. It's like, uh-huh, yeah.

[33:50] Nodding his head. Like Muggs from Cybersilge.

[33:56] Okay. Yeah, and that's the end of the movie.

[33:58] And then as the credits roll, it cuts to Gwyneth Paltrow, and it says, two years later,

[34:04] and she's finally finishing the screenplay for Country Strong,

[34:07] fingers covered in ink or whatever. Yeah.

[34:09] And she goes, perfect. From her computer, yeah.

[34:11] She goes, perfect, and then says, Country Strong will return in Country Strong 2,

[34:16] Country Stronger. Oh, perfect.

[34:18] Original ending. I don't know why they changed it.

[34:19] I don't know why they changed it. For this downer.

[34:21] Yeah. All right, well, let's move on to our

[34:25] final judgments on this movie. I do want to say, one last thing I want to

[34:27] say about the movie is that a former Daily Show writer and current co-writer of Will Shatner's

[34:33] memoirs, Chris Regan, on his Twitter feed had the funniest Country Strong joke I thought,

[34:37] which was that Country Strong was Tarzan's campaign platform.

[34:43] All right. Anyway, final judgments.

[34:45] This is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, a movie you kind of liked.

[34:48] Stuart, how do you feel? Yeah, I'd probably say it's a bad,

[34:52] bad movie. Like, it's really slow. There's not really, not a lot there.

[34:59] It's fairly, fairly broadly drawn, fairly bland. I'm not a big country music fan.

[35:07] And the things I am a fan of, boobs, killing, all that sort of stuff, it's not in this movie.

[35:12] Very few maniacs, invisible or otherwise. No freaks of the castle variety or what have you.

[35:18] So because of that, I would probably say it's a bad, bad movie.

[35:21] So if you are like me, you shouldn't see it.

[35:24] Elliot? I would also call it a bad, bad movie.

[35:28] It was very boring and dull. And like Stuart's saying, there wasn't a lot there.

[35:33] It was like they had the very barest outline of a movie and didn't fill it in.

[35:37] Characters didn't feel like characters. They just kind of felt like types.

[35:40] And they just kind of wandered around and there was no sense of anyone having any stake in what

[35:44] was going on. Mainly frowning.

[35:46] Yeah, a lot of frowning and mumbling. And I do like

[35:48] country music of the older variety that Bo is supposed to be a fan of,

[35:52] but they don't really play any. Like sometimes it plays on the soundtrack.

[35:56] But it was nothing much for the country fan.

[36:00] But for the Gwyneth Paltrow fan, she does a lot of Gwyneth Paltrow-y things.

[36:04] So I would call it bad, bad, unless you're a Paltrow-head.

[36:11] A Paltroon, I think they're called.

[36:13] I'll say it was bad, bad. It was just a bunch of unpleasant people

[36:18] driving around on a bus, occasionally stopping to sing songs.

[36:22] So that sounds like the Magical Mystery Tour movie.

[36:24] It sounds like a Sark movie.

[36:26] But that had the decency to only be an hour long and the actual music was better.

[36:32] Yeah, true. Stuart, nice Sark reference.

[36:34] Yeah, I'm pretty cool. I remember his name because it rhymes with fart.

[36:41] Okay, just took away your intellectual points.

[36:43] So just a few bits of business.

[36:47] Before we get on to letters.

[36:48] Any kibbles of business or just bits of business?

[36:50] Is this my monthly employee review?

[36:57] Bits of business, gentlemen.

[36:59] Stuart is fired.

[37:01] Stuart, you're released.

[37:01] Housecat, you are rehired.

[37:04] Wait, was that why the housecat hasn't been around for a while?

[37:06] Yeah, he got fired. He hasn't been rehired yet.

[37:08] What was it? Was it because of something he did?

[37:10] Was it drug testing? Was it related?

[37:11] It was drug related.

[37:12] Oh man.

[37:13] And have you heard about the whole Penn State thing?

[37:18] Wait, what?

[37:18] Oh God.

[37:19] I don't want to say anymore.

[37:20] Well, this could really hurt the housecat's popularity.

[37:23] Yeah, terrible, terrible things.

[37:26] He's a beloved Flophouse character, but a huge child molestation scandal,

[37:31] I think, would take that away.

[37:32] No, he was one of those kids that pushed over that bus.

[37:35] Well, that's still pretty bad.

[37:37] Yeah, but he just did it because he likes mayhem.

[37:40] Okay, so he wasn't supporting Joe Paterno.

[37:42] No, he just likes to knock over things.

[37:43] He's just chaotic evil.

[37:45] Well, yeah, and I mean, he's a party animal.

[37:47] Yeah, he's a party animal.

[37:49] I like to believe the housecat released a statement afterwards saying,

[37:52] I thought it was just a wild party.

[37:53] I in no way support Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky.

[38:00] The housecat draws a very strong line around the protection of children.

[38:04] There's no party that gets so out of control a child should be hurt.

[38:08] See, you gotta be his press guy.

[38:10] You gotta do his soundbites.

[38:12] Well, you know, he fired me.

[38:14] Yeah, well.

[38:14] So actual business.

[38:15] You didn't party hard enough.

[38:17] That was his complaint, that I didn't party hard enough.

[38:19] I said, you need someone around who doesn't party.

[38:21] And he threw a bottle at me.

[38:23] And I said, housecat, it used to be about the parties.

[38:25] And he said, it still is.

[38:26] And I was like, oh, you're right.

[38:28] So in not housecat related business.

[38:30] Is there any?

[38:31] First, quickly, thanks to Jeremy M for his donation.

[38:35] Hey, thanks, man.

[38:36] The M stands for money.

[38:38] Millionaire.

[38:39] In the last episode, we teased talking about the Flophouse wiki.

[38:44] And then we completely did not say anything about it.

[38:46] Kind of half forgot and half ran out of time.

[38:49] But if you go to the show notes for this show, there'll be a link to the wiki.

[38:56] And yeah, my request for listeners to create an actual Wikipedia page for me

[39:02] ended up in them creating an entire wiki devoted to the Flophouse.

[39:06] They're doing a great job.

[39:06] About 195 pages at last count on topics including the popcorn trick.

[39:13] The popcorn trick.

[39:14] My pizza order.

[39:16] Invisible Maniac.

[39:17] There's a whole entry for, wait, what?

[39:20] Come on, for mirrors.

[39:23] They've been doing a great job lately of filling out the individual episodes with

[39:28] descriptions of the movie pitches that we make during the episodes.

[39:31] And I've been reading them at work and crying because I'm laughing so hard.

[39:35] I love reading things we said.

[39:37] And then forgot.

[39:38] And then forgot about.

[39:40] I totally had forgotten about the movie Million Dollar Getaway.

[39:44] And got to listen to that again.

[39:46] But you guys are doing a great job.

[39:47] Keep it up.

[39:48] If you want to help the wiki grow, go there.

[39:51] What's the website?

[39:53] I don't have it on hand.

[39:56] You have like four printed pages of stuff.

[39:59] Why couldn't it be?

[40:00] Our website, Flophousepodcast.com, and there will be a link to the wiki and please help

[40:05] them fill it out with Flophouse information and exformation.

[40:09] I don't even know what that means.

[40:13] They talk about your feelings over your friend's upcoming wedding, right?

[40:18] Well, that hasn't been updated yet, and not now.

[40:21] For the listeners out there, of course, Anne Hathaway got engaged, Ellie just got his invite

[40:28] to the bachelorette party, right?

[40:30] Don't expect to be invited to that or the wedding.

[40:32] You'll be giving the bride away, I assume.

[40:36] That is also not true.

[40:37] Neither will I be presiding over the ceremony.

[40:39] I mean, are you going to be very sad because I know you two have a history, so.

[40:42] We don't.

[40:43] The fact that she has now made her final choice.

[40:46] Are you going to give the groom a lot of...

[40:47] Not necessarily final, but...

[40:48] Are you going to be giving the groom many knowing looks, like, hmm?

[40:52] No, I won't be there and will never...

[40:53] Well, I mean, you're married now.

[40:54] You'll tickle her ankles.

[40:56] She loves that.

[40:58] That's creepy.

[40:59] And no.

[41:00] No, wait.

[41:01] What else is he going to say, Dan?

[41:02] Yeah, what are their tips?

[41:03] Moving on.

[41:04] Furs.

[41:05] Buy her a lot of furs.

[41:06] Speaking of weddings.

[41:07] She enjoys girl things.

[41:08] If you want to see pictures of the fabled tuxedos, I'm going to throw something up on

[41:09] the Flophouse Facebook page, just to keep it a little more private than have it floating

[41:10] around on the regular internet.

[41:11] Yeah, with our millions of unique viewers to the Flophouse webpage.

[41:12] And I think, you know, we're going to have a lot of fun.

[41:13] We're going to have a lot of fun.

[41:17] the Flophouse Facebook page, just to keep it a little more private than have it floating

[41:21] around on the regular internet.

[41:23] Yeah, with our millions of unique viewers to the Flophouse webpage.

[41:27] And I think, you know, if Stuart gives me an acceptable picture to share with all of

[41:34] you, I'll show a picture of Stu in full regalia.

[41:40] Possibly with his bride, I don't know.

[41:43] Yeah.

[41:44] Well, we'll put that up.

[41:46] But anyway, moving on to actual letters.

[41:48] Also, that's a warning.

[41:50] If you don't want to see us in tuxedo speedos, don't look at our Facebook page.

[41:54] Letters.

[41:55] Well, Elliot didn't take part.

[41:56] I didn't.

[41:57] Well, I'm wearing a tuxedo.

[41:58] Spoiler alert.

[41:59] You'll see what happens.

[42:00] You'll see what happens.

[42:01] You'll see.

[42:02] Watch what happens.

[42:03] On Bravo?

[42:04] Yeah.

[42:05] Live?

[42:06] The TV show that's not really a TV show?

[42:09] This email is titled Ding Dong Gate.

[42:12] Okay, I like this analyst.

[42:15] And it's a gate made out of ding dongs?

[42:17] It's like the movie The Gate.

[42:19] It's from Dan, last name withheld, and it says, Dear The Flophouse, I'm a long time

[42:26] fan of the show, but have only recently been moved to write in.

[42:29] Stuart, I downloaded and watched Castle Freak, thanks to your repeated recommendation.

[42:34] Awesome.

[42:35] Downloaded?

[42:36] I hope someone got some money for that.

[42:37] iTunes, probably.

[42:38] Okay.

[42:39] And it was well worth it.

[42:41] However, I need some clarification.

[42:43] I spent the entire film waiting in eager anticipation for a character to, quote, rip

[42:48] off his own ding dong, but this scene never materialized.

[42:51] Oh, it must have been the R-rated version.

[42:52] The titular Castle Freak is missing his ding dong, but I don't think it was ever explicitly

[42:57] referenced that he ripped it off, and it's certainly not shown on screen.

[43:00] Either that, or I missed this pivotal shot and I need to rewatch.

[43:04] Well, for one, I'd recommend rewatching it.

[43:06] But two, you might have gotten ahold of an R-rated version, because I clearly remember

[43:10] a ding dong being ripped off.

[43:12] Much like for people who watch the television version of The Toxic Avenger, you'll never

[43:17] know that the actual version of it is much crazier and unrated-er.

[43:23] And it's the version I grew up with, and it wasn't until years later that I found out

[43:26] it was this, you know, bizarre movie.

[43:29] And also, a bit of advice, never ever get the R-rated version of Dead Alive or Raindead.

[43:36] Get the unrated version.

[43:38] Because the R-rated one is like 25 minutes long, right?

[43:43] It is significantly shorter, and it is a butcher job in terms of, like, that is a crazy fucking

[43:50] splatter movie, and a lot of that stuff is gone.

[43:55] And never get the R-rated version of Bambi.

[43:58] If you're a big fan of Lovely Bones...

[43:59] This is not appropriate for children.

[44:01] Stick with the G-rated version.

[44:04] On the other hand, don't get the R-rated version either of Debbie Does Dallas, because you

[44:08] will be disappointed.

[44:09] Yeah.

[44:10] Sure.

[44:11] A lot of scenes will start and then stop abruptly.

[44:15] And don't get the... and so forth.

[44:18] Wow.

[44:19] Look, let's let the audience fill in that bit.

[44:21] Um, got another letter there?

[44:23] I know we're running out of time.

[44:25] This one's from Robert, last name withheld.

[44:27] It says, Floppers, I'm writing you to let you know that I'm acquainted with a former

[44:31] star of one of your favorite films, Private Lessons.

[44:35] In fact...

[44:36] No shit.

[44:37] I worked with Patrick Hickaninny, that's offensive.

[44:40] What?

[44:41] That's...

[44:42] I have no reason for that.

[44:43] Who played the role of Sherman.

[44:44] People at work would secretly pass around the DVD and watch the video of his dancing

[44:48] scene at the pool.

[44:50] I never confronted the man himself about his former stardom.

[44:53] For the Where Are They Now file, Patrick is currently a lawyer in Ohio.

[44:57] As you can see, he ran for judge in Central Ohio last year.

[45:00] He includes a link to that.

[45:03] Any who just thought you would want to know.

[45:05] Well we do.

[45:07] Yeah.

[45:08] If anyone else has...

[45:09] He really benefited from those Private Lessons.

[45:11] Yeah.

[45:12] It's a judgeship.

[45:13] Very impressive.

[45:14] Although I don't think...

[45:15] It sounds like he didn't get it.

[45:16] If other people have stories about the stars of 80s sex comedies...

[45:23] Yeah, please tell us.

[45:24] They know.

[45:25] Sure.

[45:26] We want to know.

[45:27] And if Eddie Deesan is listening, write in.

[45:28] Like the...

[45:29] You don't have anything else to do.

[45:31] Like the male lead in Late Consequence, Billy Zane.

[45:34] Where's he now?

[45:36] What's he up to?

[45:37] What's he up to?

[45:38] What's he doing?

[45:39] What's his story?

[45:40] And that Brat Pack.

[45:41] Where are they?

[45:42] This one is from Beth, last name withheld.

[45:45] A lady.

[45:46] It says, Dear Floppers, I would like to make an amendment to Sarah Not Dan's Wife's letter

[45:51] that was read during the Red Riding Hood episode.

[45:54] I feel that...

[45:55] Wait, was that a letter from your wife?

[45:56] No.

[45:57] Not Dan's wife.

[45:58] Oh.

[45:59] Not Dan's wife.

[46:00] With you, Dan?

[46:01] Yeah.

[46:02] Because your wife is not the wife of another guy named Dan.

[46:06] Oh, gosh.

[46:07] This is...

[46:08] I'm confused already.

[46:09] We're through the looking glass already on this one.

[46:11] But...

[46:12] There, chess is a game played with people.

[46:15] She says, I feel that I have the authority to do so because Sarah is my sister-in-law.

[46:19] While discussing our new, our favorite new crushes, the men of the Flop House.

[46:24] Whoa, whoa.

[46:25] Let me guess.

[46:26] One man of the Flop House.

[46:27] Score.

[46:28] Sarah informed me that she did, in fact, hear Stuart as Seth Rogen and Elliot as Vincent

[46:33] Kartheiser.

[46:34] Which one's Vincent Kartheiser?

[46:37] He's on Mad Men as, what's his face, the Weasley guy.

[46:41] What, Pete Campbell?

[46:42] Yeah.

[46:43] Oh, I'll take that.

[46:44] That's fine.

[46:45] But what she did...

[46:46] He's got a boyish charm.

[46:47] But what she did not mention in her letter was that when she heard Dan, she pictured

[46:51] a giant talking teddy bear.

[46:54] Accurate.

[46:56] Shockingly true.

[46:58] I thought it only right to call her out on this because before she said this, the thought

[47:01] had never crossed my mind.

[47:03] Why would it?

[47:04] But there was no going back.

[47:05] The image is now burned into my brain.

[47:06] When I listen to the Flop House, all I can picture is Seth Rogen, Connor from Angel,

[47:12] or Pete from Mad Men, if you want to be all current, and a man-sized snuggle bear sharing

[47:16] a bucket of Popeye's chicken and arguing over whether or not Duckburg is anti-Semitic.

[47:23] Now, try to imagine Dan McCoy, man-sized teddy bear, wearing a Tuxpedo.

[47:28] Done.

[47:29] Yep, seen it.

[47:30] He's like Gooby.

[47:31] Here's just one thing I want to correct.

[47:33] Popeye's doesn't sell chicken in buckets, they come in boxes.

[47:37] Buckets are for KFC, is not a good way to store or sell chicken.

[47:41] But otherwise, I think it's time, Dan, that you revealed your secret.

[47:45] Dan was the star of Gooby, he played the part of Gooby.

[47:49] It's very hard for him to find roles being a teddy bear man.

[47:52] I mean, Robbie Coltrane did do my voice.

[47:54] I'm sort of like the guy who was in the suit for Darth Vader.

[47:59] David Prowse.

[48:00] Yeah.

[48:01] In that you're banned from Star Wars conventions.

[48:03] Yeah.

[48:04] That's for other reasons, though.

[48:07] Yeah, let's not get into those.

[48:10] Let's just say, Slave Leia beauty contest, and be done with it.

[48:13] You're right.

[48:14] You look like you've got nothing to say about this.

[48:17] Why don't you say something?

[48:18] I'm trying to remember which episode we spent most of the time talking about furries and

[48:22] yiffies and all that shit.

[48:24] All of them?

[48:25] Yeah, I mean, we probably talked about it.

[48:26] Okay.

[48:27] I think-

[48:28] We'll check it out later.

[48:29] It sounds like it's up to some Flophouse fan artist out there to bring this image to life

[48:34] of teddy bear Dan.

[48:36] Sure.

[48:37] Possibly lusting after young women.

[48:41] It might not be in his...

[48:42] It's hard now to reconcile your teddy bear qualities with your Pervazoid One qualities.

[48:46] I don't know, but that's the secret.

[48:48] Yeah, one of them's a secret identity, but which one?

[48:51] Continue.

[48:52] Soft exterior allows me to lure women in for cuddle parties.

[48:55] Yikes.

[48:56] And then they turn into something far more horrible.

[49:00] So-

[49:01] All the cuddle parties are already kind of gross.

[49:02] Kind of couchy.

[49:03] Yeah.

[49:04] I mean, a man-sized teddy bear that hosts cuddle parties, I mean, it's tough to get

[49:10] all that stuff out of his fur.

[49:13] Stuff?

[49:14] Stuff.

[49:15] Oh, the stuff like the white stuff that you eat and it blows your head off.

[49:20] Yes.

[49:21] Okay.

[49:22] Because enough is never enough.

[49:25] So this letter is titled, Bad Cop, Worst Cop.

[49:29] We're talking about Maniac Cop, right?

[49:31] Which one would he be, though?

[49:34] Because who's worse than him?

[49:36] From Ed, last name withheld, and-

[49:38] I'm going to assume it's Ed O'Neill.

[49:39] It says-

[49:40] Star of Modern Family.

[49:41] Dear Pervazoid-

[49:42] Star of Dutch.

[49:43] Hold on.

[49:45] And the Dragnet remake.

[49:46] It says, Dear Pervazoid, Mr. Hathaway, Party Animal, and House Cat, this weekend I decided

[49:53] to treat myself to an oft-Flophouse-recommended action classic, namely Tango in Cash.

[50:00] Gentlemen, I thank you.

[50:01] Oh, beauty in motion.

[50:02] It sounds like a poster I would have that has a hot chick on it, and a Lamborghini.

[50:13] Without your input, I never would have seen Kurt Russell cross-dressing Terry Hatcher

[50:16] incorporating an electronic drum kit into a seductive dance.

[50:20] Yeah, it fits, I guess, the dictionary definition of seductive.

[50:24] Sylvester Stallone playing a stock market whiz, or the ultimate destructive power of

[50:28] a tricked-out Ford Explorer.

[50:31] All in all, I rate it 117 Tumescent Boners Spookily Good Bad.

[50:36] Congratulations on your nuptial, Stuart.

[50:38] I hope you manage to kill a bear with a flamethrower at your bachelor party.

[50:41] Close?

[50:42] Yeah, I mean, it was almost that.

[50:45] You'll see the pictures on the website.

[50:49] Let's just say, Stuart's not allowed back in Maryland.

[50:52] Yeah.

[50:53] And there was recently a convention of bears in Maryland, where I was vilified.

[50:58] An idol of me was thrown upon the ground and stepped on.

[51:04] They swiped at it with their paws, sure.

[51:07] Yep, as if batting fish from the lake, from the river.

[51:11] No, we like to spread the gospel of Tango and Cash far and wide.

[51:16] Oh, it's so good.

[51:17] It's so wonderful.

[51:18] It is.

[51:19] That's the villain's fort that has a self-destruct button, right?

[51:23] Yeah, sure.

[51:24] And he has a hall of mirrors next to his desk.

[51:26] For no reason.

[51:27] For no reason.

[51:28] And he likes to play with white mice.

[51:29] Yeah, he's got the little maze for the mice to go through.

[51:33] Yeah.

[51:34] Oh, that movie is perfect.

[51:35] Again, lives in a world where if you blow up the evidence, you're exonerated from the

[51:38] crime.

[51:39] That movie is perfectly stupid.

[51:42] And of course, Michael J. Pollard shows up at the end of the film as a character we've

[51:46] not seen before.

[51:47] The retarded weapons genius?

[51:48] The retarded cute character.

[51:49] He is somehow an idiot savant when it comes to high-tech weaponry, but works for the police

[51:58] department and builds them some kind of battle truck.

[52:01] And the end of the movie features the front page of a newspaper featuring a picture of

[52:08] them where there was no photographer.

[52:12] You don't know that.

[52:13] It's not a three-dimensional picture plane.

[52:16] Hey, guys, we're not in the danger room.

[52:20] Yo, Tango, we should really call a press agent to have a photographer out here.

[52:29] No need.

[52:30] There's a scene, the parking garage chase scene, where there's an empty parking garage,

[52:36] but when they need people to be in trouble, there's a homeless person with a shopping

[52:40] cart, someone with a bunch of presents, and two people having sex in the back of a station

[52:44] wagon.

[52:45] Also, there's the Russian guy who, for no reason, is like, I believe in perestroika.

[52:50] Okay, that's a Russian thing that was current at the time.

[52:53] It does not apply here.

[52:55] And Sylvester Stallone's greatest line ever, perhaps about, you obviously haven't been

[53:00] watching your, judging by the food in your refrigerator, you obviously haven't been judging

[53:03] your weight, watching your weight, perhaps you've been too busy keeping your eye on the

[53:06] evidence you used to set us up.

[53:09] Doesn't make any sense.

[53:10] When I saw that movie in the theaters recently, not recently, a couple years ago.

[53:14] Yeah, I was with you.

[53:15] Yeah, yeah, when we went to go see it, the audience spontaneously applauded at that line.

[53:20] Oh, man.

[53:23] That is maybe the Citizen Kane of stupid movies.

[53:25] You know, it was a movie that we talked about doing for our next live Flophouse event, and

[53:29] we couldn't do it because the venue was going to do it for another reason.

[53:32] But maybe if we do another Flophouse event in the future, it'll be far enough ahead.

[53:36] I hope so, because that would be awesome.

[53:39] Anyway, last email of the night from Ashley, last name withheld.

[53:44] It's titled, Elliot the Killer.

[53:47] And it's one line, all caps.

[53:49] The Mickey movie?

[53:51] One line, all caps.

[53:53] Where is Simon Fisher?

[53:55] So clearly, Elliot's reign of terror.

[53:59] I'm the last person to ask where Simon Fisher is.

[54:02] The dead bodies you've left in your wake.

[54:04] How many dead bodies?

[54:05] Name any of them.

[54:07] Danielle's former beau.

[54:10] The woman who held your job before at the Daily Show.

[54:13] And Simon Fisher.

[54:14] She's currently still alive.

[54:15] All murdered by you.

[54:16] You're like a talented Mr. Ripley guy.

[54:18] And Andy Rooney, there's some suspicions.

[54:20] Andy Rooney.

[54:21] Yeah.

[54:22] I am...

[54:23] Talented Mr. Kalen over here.

[54:24] Well, thank you, I am very talented.

[54:26] I'm what's called a double threat, but not threatening in a killing way.

[54:29] I am a writer-performer.

[54:32] Okay.

[54:33] And...

[54:34] What do you perform?

[54:35] Mostly...

[54:36] Like country music?

[54:37] Like surgeries.

[54:38] Oh, okay.

[54:39] That was Harvey.

[54:40] Yeah.

[54:41] So, uh...

[54:42] I perform one-man shows based on classic literature.

[54:45] Hop on Pop, for instance.

[54:47] Sure.

[54:48] The Little Engine That Could.

[54:49] What I wonder is, what if The Engine Couldn't?

[54:51] And I take the show from there.

[54:52] The novelization of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the movie?

[54:55] Well, the second one.

[54:56] I couldn't get the rights to the first.

[54:57] Yeah.

[54:58] So I do a one-man show of Secret of the Us.

[55:00] Okay.

[55:01] I play both Toca and Rezar.

[55:03] All right.

[55:04] And I have a reinterpretation of the ninja rap that I think you'll find quite delightful.

[55:08] So let's do a quick run around to recommend some movies that we actually liked, that we've seen.

[55:15] Instead of Country Strong, maybe you should spend your time on these.

[55:20] Yeah, good movies.

[55:21] Recommendations.

[55:22] I'll quickly go.

[55:23] I have two very fast.

[55:25] I saw a screening, a pre-screening of Young Adult, starring Charlize Theron and Patton Oswalt.

[55:34] And it is the best.

[55:37] We've made fun of both.

[55:39] The thing you've never seen, right?

[55:40] No, no, no.

[55:41] I was going to say, we've made fun of both Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody on this show before.

[55:46] I don't know what we've made fun of.

[55:47] We've offered informed criticism.

[55:49] We've said that they are overrated.

[55:50] I don't think that they're untalented people.

[55:51] It's not like we call them, like, poopy face or something.

[55:53] No, no, no.

[55:54] I mean, I might have.

[55:55] They have.

[55:56] I don't want to say that I didn't and then get caught out in a lie.

[55:59] No, they both have genuine talent but have been overpraised.

[56:02] But have been overpraised wildly.

[56:04] And Young Adult, I think, is actually the best thing that either of them has done.

[56:09] So I enjoyed that.

[56:10] And I saw, it was either, I can't remember the last word.

[56:15] It was either Machete Maidens Unleashed or Machete Maidens Unchained.

[56:19] It's a documentary about a period of time when exploitation movies were made in the Philippines.

[56:25] It was the same people who made the Ozploitation movie, Not Quite Hollywood.

[56:30] And there's a lot of stuff about Roger Corman and it's just a fun documentary that's on streaming Netflix right now.

[56:36] Sounds good.

[56:37] Elliot, do you have something?

[56:39] I'll recommend also two movies.

[56:40] One is my monthly closely watched films screening series Wednesday, December 7th at 7.30 p.m. at 92i Tribeca.

[56:48] For those of you who are going to be in New York, I'm showing The Scarlet Empress starring Marlena Dietrich.

[56:52] The craziest and best, in my opinion, of the Marlena Dietrich-Joseph von Sternberg collaborations about how Catherine the Great became Tsarina of all the rushes.

[57:02] And it's insane.

[57:03] It's basically the only time in history, I think, that all the resources of a studio film were used for the uncensored expression of one man's bizarre kind of fetishes and obsessions.

[57:13] And it's really good and a lot of fun.

[57:15] And I'm going to be joined with my special guest Michael Kupperman, the cartoonist.

[57:19] He has it from Snake and Bacon's Cartoon Cabaret, Tales Designed to Thrizzle, and his new book, Mark Twain's Autobiography, 1910 to 2010.

[57:27] And for those of you at home, I'm going to recommend a movie called I Wake Up Screaming starring Betty Grable and Victor Mature.

[57:34] It's basically a film noir movie, but it's from before the film noir movement really started.

[57:40] But it's a really crazy, fast-paced murder mystery thriller, and it's a lot of fun.

[57:46] So The Scarlet Empress, December 7th, and I Wake Up Screaming, whenever you choose to watch it.

[57:52] Stuart?

[57:53] Well, recently there was Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving to me is a time where you eat a lot of food and then you watch a lot of movies.

[58:02] One of those movies I watched.

[58:04] You're selling us on movies.

[58:06] Movies, guys.

[58:07] They're little windows of imagination.

[58:09] I think you need an intro to segue into movies.

[58:12] So I watched the movie Zaps with Scott Baio and Willie Ames.

[58:17] Sure, a classic.

[58:19] And I really enjoyed it.

[58:21] One of the best salami-based pot hallucination scenes of any movie.

[58:25] Yep, Scatman Crothers is pretty awesome in it.

[58:29] And I really – what I was wondering in the movie is if his superpower wasn't telekinesis, if his superpower was like he was just really strong,

[58:40] would the scenes where he picks up and pulls guys' pants down and throws them around and rips girls' shirts off, would that be creepier than if he's just using his mind?

[58:49] I think so, yes.

[58:50] So it would be creepier if he was just a strong guy ripping girls' shirts off.

[58:53] Because that's conceivable.

[58:55] That's a thing some crazy strong person could do.

[58:58] What if he could shoot out fire and the fire burned their shirts off?

[59:02] That seems dangerous.

[59:03] Yeah, they would probably – yeah, there would be bubbling skin.

[59:07] It would not be –

[59:08] So the best option is that he's got telekinesis and he uses power almost exclusively to rip girls' shirts off.

[59:14] I mean it is still a form of sexual assault.

[59:16] This is glossed over in the film.

[59:18] Okay.

[59:19] Especially in the crescendo of the movie where all the shirts are getting ripped off.

[59:25] To be fair, he was hit on the head.

[59:26] Yeah.

[59:27] So he loses control.

[59:28] But his subconscious still wants to see boobs.

[59:30] Yeah, and –

[59:31] And butts.

[59:32] Let's not forget the butts.

[59:35] I was a little shocked at how few boobs you see in that movie.

[59:39] Yeah, it's true.

[59:40] For a movie where the focus is a guy who can rip girls' shirts off and –

[59:43] I mean this was a mainstream movie.

[59:44] This was not – the point of this movie was to like –

[59:46] This is no Invisible Man.

[59:47] Show a little boobs and then go on from there.

[59:50] This wasn't like –

[59:51] Well, you don't see that many boobs until the very end of the movie.

[59:54] Well, you got to save it until the finish.

[59:55] Then it's like an explosion.

[59:56] Come on.

[59:57] Well, boobsplosion.

[59:58] A boobsplosion.

[1:00:00] Whatever the case, he is a sexual assault fiend, but if he was using fire or his own strength, then there's no reason for the police to not just arrest him right there, because everyone will have seen him do it.

[1:00:11] So it's like an American Psycho type thing where he almost can't help himself.

[1:00:15] But also like nobody knows how it's happening, so it's like everyone is kind of, huh? What? As opposed to mad at him for doing this.

[1:00:24] Or having like Solani-based hallucinations.

[1:00:27] Yeah, I mean that's an American Psycho thing too.

[1:00:30] Well now that we've finally prosecuted Scott Baio, I think we can sign off for this episode.

[1:00:35] Oh real quick, I've got to promote.

[1:00:38] Rezapt again?

[1:00:39] Go to Charlene's Bar on Monday nights for Trivia Night.

[1:00:43] Alright, so if you're in Brooklyn, look up Charlene's Bar on Flatbush.

[1:00:48] Go to Trivia Night, you'll probably see me and maybe these two turds.

[1:00:53] Less likely now that you called us turds.

[1:00:56] I thought that would inspire you to want to be better at trivia.

[1:00:59] Oh yeah.

[1:01:00] Then I won't call you a turd anymore.

[1:01:01] Wait, but what's my reward then?

[1:01:03] Not being a turd. You'll be a Transformer.

[1:01:05] Oh, that's awesome. That's way better than being a turd.

[1:01:08] Unless I'm one of those crappy Transformers.

[1:01:10] So when we study up on our trivia, I'm going to sign up.

[1:01:13] You can be Soundwave if you want.

[1:01:14] Can I be the one that turns into the cassette?

[1:01:16] Yeah, well, wait. Which one?

[1:01:18] The breakdancing one.

[1:01:20] For the fluff house.

[1:01:22] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:01:24] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:01:25] I am, as always, remaining Ellie Kaelin, unless I'm the Transformer who turns into an audio cassette.

[1:01:30] Goodnight.

[1:01:31] Goodnight.

The Flop House: Episode #92 - Country Strong

Transcript

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