The Flop House: Episode #92 - Country Strong

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Gwyneth Paltrow's latest excuse to start singing, Country Strong.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:37] And I'm Elliot the Belliot Kalin.

[0:41] It's a new nickname I'm working out. I don't know what it means, but I'm trying it out.

Stuart Wellington

[0:44] It's because you gained all that weight over the Thanksgiving holiday.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] Thank you for calling attention to that. I gained 72 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday.

[0:53] Seems inaccurate.

[0:54] I ate five or six full turkeys. I blacked out after the fifth one, and then they just told me I had some more.

Stuart Wellington

[0:59] That's because of the tryptophan and the turkey that made you black out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] Exactly, and I sleep eight, so, you know.

[1:05] Okay.

[1:06] A lot of Doritos, too.

[1:08] Burritos?

[1:09] No, Doritos.

[1:10] Okay.

[1:11] Inside burritos.

[1:12] Oh, okay.

[1:12] Yeah, Dorito burritos. I call them derbers.

Dan McCoy

[1:16] This is the first time we've all been together since your wedding. I mean, first time for the show that we've all been together, at least.

[1:23] Yeah, my wedding. Dan's talking to me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25] Yeah, we've all got wedding rings on right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28] So, no girls allowed.

[1:31] Nope.

[1:31] Boys only.

[1:33] Where the girls aren't.

[1:34] It's exactly the opposite of what this means.

[1:36] Part four.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36] The manhole.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] I understand.

[1:39] All right, well.

[1:39] Guys, guys, guys.

[1:40] I guess we're all married to each other.

[1:42] I wasn't aware that that was...

[1:44] Married to the flop.

[1:45] ...what was going on, but, you know, I'm comfortable with that.

[1:48] Are you?

[1:49] Here, let me put my hand on your leg.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52] Feels right.

[1:53] If TV and movies are to be believed...

[1:56] And, of course, they are.

[1:57] ...I am never going to have sex again, and I wear a lot of slacks.

[2:05] Yes.

[2:05] So, a lot of slacks.

[2:07] So, like, several at the same time.

[2:08] Yeah, multiple pairs.

[2:09] Five pairs of slacks, because I want to, like, give my genitals a big insulation, like a cushion.

[2:15] Yeah, well, you're not going to use them, so...

[2:16] I want to look like a muffin down there.

[2:20] Sure.

[2:22] You're going to have your own special place in the garage.

[2:25] Thank you for coming to my wedding, guys.

[2:26] I'm sorry that Dan didn't bring the recording equipment so that our listeners could get a snippet, a taste of...

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] There was a request for it.

[2:35] But, mmm...

[2:36] I think better they didn't get a taste, because it would be hard for anyone to get a taste of the wedding without being so unhappy that they weren't there.

[2:42] Also, that's true.

[2:43] When they found out how good it was.

Stuart Wellington

[2:43] Just like a single taste would have driven them mad.

Elliott Kalan

[2:46] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[2:46] Nothing would ever be so good again.

[2:48] Sure.

[2:48] If I was recording the wedding, too, like, all that people would hear would be,

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] Splash!

[2:53] Splash!

[2:53] Pool!

[2:54] People yelling, pool!

[2:55] Pool!

[2:55] Pool, yep.

Stuart Wellington

[2:56] Or, uh...

[2:56] And just the sound of Speedos slapping against each other.

[2:59] And, uh, somewhere in the background, We've Gotta Take Control by Bobby Brown.

[3:04] Called Ghostbusters 2.

Elliott Kalan

[3:07] Wouldn't it be Ghostbusters Dos?

[3:09] Uh, I don't think they say that, do they?

[3:11] I mean, it's...

[3:12] That's the number, too.

[3:13] No, I know, but...

[3:14] In Spanish.

Stuart Wellington

[3:15] But, I mean, in other countries...

Elliott Kalan

[3:16] Los Bustos de los Fantasmas.

[3:18] Dos.

Stuart Wellington

[3:21] That's not how they do it.

[3:23] Oh, how do they do it?

[3:24] I don't know.

[3:25] Okay.

[3:27] You want to say anything about your wedding, Stuart?

[3:29] Or should we...

[3:29] Uh, it was lovely.

[3:30] Thank you for all the, uh, well wishes.

[3:32] Uh, all of our listeners who gave us well wishes on the, on the Facebook page.

Dan McCoy

[3:37] And for those who didn't give Stuart well wishes, shame.

[3:40] Fuck you.

[3:40] Shame on you.

[3:41] Yeah.

[3:43] Sons of bitches.

[3:44] Sons of bitches.

Dan McCoy

[3:44] And daughters.

[3:45] I don't discriminate.

[3:46] Sons of daughters?

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:48] Sons of daughters.

[3:49] I mean, technically, that's true.

[3:49] Everyone's probably a son of a daughter.

[3:51] Well, except for one.

[3:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:53] But he's, yeah.

[3:54] Anyway, so...

[3:55] But yeah, it was a great wedding.

[3:56] And, uh...

[3:57] Next time, you should invite all the Flophouse listeners.

Stuart Wellington

[4:00] I should, right?

[4:01] To your next wedding.

[4:03] Now...

[4:03] Are we spending all this time talking about my wedding?

[4:05] Because the movie we watched tonight was, I mean, really good, or...

[4:09] Uh, yeah, it was so good.

[4:11] We have nothing bad to say.

[4:12] We have nothing to say, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:14] Uh, yeah, we watched a movie called, uh, Country Strong.

[4:17] Los Strongos del Country.

[4:20] Sure.

[4:21] In Spanish.

[4:22] Uh, this was, uh, Gwyneth Paltrow.

[4:26] I can only assume seeing...

[4:28] You can only assume it's Gwyneth Paltrow.

[4:30] Oh, yeah.

[4:30] Could have been a skeleton.

[4:32] Could have been.

[4:33] I can only...

[4:33] Could have been some Halloween skeleton.

[4:35] With a blonde wig on it.

[4:37] I can only assume it was Gwyneth Paltrow.

[4:39] I mean, I was not there.

[4:40] Okay.

[4:40] It could have been someone in a Gwyneth Paltrow suit.

[4:42] Until we do DNA tests.

[4:43] Yeah, that's true.

[4:45] Uh, no, I was gonna say...

Stuart Wellington

[4:46] Like Doug Jones in a Gwyneth Paltrow suit?

Dan McCoy

[4:49] Well, he's very...

[4:49] He's a very talented physical performer.

[4:51] I'm sure he could do it.

[4:53] No, I was gonna say this is...

[4:54] I can only assume that this was Gwyneth Paltrow

[4:56] seeing Jeff Bridges, uh, having made Crazy Heart.

Elliott Kalan

[5:00] Did Crazy Heart...

[5:01] Did this come out after Crazy Heart?

[5:02] It did, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:03] Yeah, and I gotta get on that.

[5:05] Same accolades.

[5:06] No.

[5:07] Not at all.

Stuart Wellington

[5:09] Not at all.

[5:10] The weird thing...

[5:12] Mm-hmm.

[5:12] Okay, follow me, guys.

[5:14] Okay, then we should probably tell and say

[5:15] what this movie was about.

[5:16] The weird thing is Garrett Hedlund,

[5:18] the guy in this movie...

[5:20] Yeah, the beautiful Garrett Hedlunds.

[5:21] ...was in the Tron movie...

[5:24] Tron Legacy.

[5:25] ...with Jeff Bridges.

[5:26] Uh-oh.

[5:27] Full circle.

[5:27] ...who was in Last Picture Show...

Elliott Kalan

[5:28] ...with Cloris Leachman.

[5:32] Okay.

[5:33] Keep it going.

[5:33] Who was on...

[5:34] Who was in Young Frankenstein.

[5:35] Young Frankenstein.

[5:36] Mel Brooks.

[5:37] Mel Brooks.

[5:38] Who was in Life Stinks with the cast of Life Stinks.

[5:42] Should have picked a Mel Brooks movie that I knew the cast of.

[5:45] Oh, that was a mistake.

[5:47] Oh, God.

[5:48] Who was in Spaceballs with Pizza the Hut.

[5:50] Who was in Last Tango in Paris with Marlon Brando.

[5:54] Marlon Brando and Pizza the Hut made a number of films together.

[5:58] He plays himself all the time, Marlon Brando.

[6:01] Yeah.

[6:02] And then Pizza the Hut just disappears into the roles.

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:05] That was him as the lead woman in Last Tango in Paris.

[6:08] Yeah.

[6:09] Pizza the Hut.

Dan McCoy

[6:09] Mm-hmm.

[6:11] He's like, rub this pizza grease on your ass.

[6:14] And then...

[6:15] Okay.

[6:16] Okay, purposeoid.

[6:16] Yeah, that's weird.

[6:18] I know we were talking about Last Tango in Paris.

[6:20] Okay.

[6:20] Still weird.

Elliott Kalan

[6:22] So, pizza grease on one's ass.

Stuart Wellington

[6:25] Sounds like it would burn you.

[6:27] Yeah.

[6:27] I think we've already addressed the effects of pizza on one's genitals.

Elliott Kalan

[6:32] Country Strong.

[6:33] So, what's Country Strong about?

[6:34] I'm glad you asked.

[6:35] Gwyneth Paltrow plays Kelly, last name withheld.

[6:39] Cantor.

[6:40] Kelly Cantor.

[6:41] You know, like when a horse slowly walks somewhere?

[6:44] Or like the sacred singer in Jewish prayer.

[6:48] Oh, okay.

[6:49] I don't think it's spelled that way.

[6:50] How's it spelled?

[6:51] They're spelled the same way.

[6:54] Actually, I think it's spelled a little differently.

[6:57] Kelly Cantor, who is a hit country music superstar sensation.

[7:02] They say it a couple times.

[7:03] She's a six-time Grammy winner.

[7:05] Wow.

[7:05] Multi-platinum recording artist.

[7:08] Like a woman Garth Brooks.

[7:10] Exactly.

[7:11] Garthena Brooks.

[7:12] But we find her in rehab.

[7:15] Seems she's had a little bit of a problem, which involved a miscarriage and alcohol.

[7:20] So, I don't know why I said a little bit of a problem in a coy way, as if it was cute or funny.

[7:26] She's being pushed by her husband slash manager to leave rehab and get back in the biz.

[7:31] Played by real-life country strong Tim McGraw.

[7:35] Yes, he is a real-life country strong, as opposed to the actors playing country strong, which the rest of the movie is.

[7:42] Not to be confused with Tug McGraw, who is not in the film, but should have been.

[7:46] Tim McGraw, who's a real-life country star who does not sing in the movie, but the other actors do.

[7:53] Who are these other actors?

[7:54] Where there's Garrett...

[7:55] Headlands.

[7:56] Headlands, who plays an orderly at the rehab center who's also a country singer.

[8:00] I thought he was her sponsor.

[8:02] He calls her...

[8:02] He says he's her sponsor, but he's not.

[8:04] Okay.

[8:05] And he's also a...

[8:06] He's having an affair with Gwyneth Paltrow.

[8:08] Which is what a sponsor shouldn't do.

[8:10] Yes.

[8:12] As seen in season two of Dexter.

[8:15] Spoiler alert.

[8:16] Okay.

[8:17] For Dexter.

[8:18] That was...

[8:18] All right.

[8:19] Season two.

[8:19] Thank you.

[8:20] Second season.

[8:21] The second season of Dexter.

[8:22] It's not very good.

[8:23] Okay.

[8:23] But it picks up again.

[8:25] All right.

Dan McCoy

[8:25] And not in season three.

[8:26] Which gets worse.

[8:27] Is this a Dexter cast?

[8:28] I thought this was the Flopster.

[8:30] Oh, sorry.

[8:31] Flop Fixter.

[8:32] No, the other country's gone.

[8:34] You can't say Flixter, because that already exists.

[8:36] That's taken, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] But the end...

[8:37] There's another young country singer that Tim McGraw is pushing, played by Leighton Meister,

[8:42] who's a former beauty pageant who now wants to be a country singer.

[8:46] But she has stage fright, which she gets over in about five minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[8:49] I'm only to assume this is after she has that roommate problem in...

[8:54] Wait, she is the problem in the movie we watched, right?

[8:58] She's the roommate that kills that kitty.

[9:00] And then Lila Gertie has to kill her.

[9:03] Minka Kelly.

[9:03] Yeah, Minka Kelly.

[9:04] Minka Kelly has to throw her out a window or something.

[9:06] Yeah, how did she die in that?

[9:07] Did she get thrown out a window?

[9:07] I had thrown out a window, onto a bullet or something.

[9:13] That's where I was, I think.

[9:15] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] The bullet was in a tree, which was the weird thing.

[9:19] Yeah.

[9:20] Yeah.

[9:22] So there's not a lot of plot in this movie.

[9:24] There's just like Gwyneth Paltrow goes back on tour.

[9:26] It's like a mumblecore movie.

[9:28] It is like a mumblecore movie because everyone, you can't hear what people are saying half the time.

[9:32] And it's about real life situations.

[9:34] Not really.

[9:35] I mean, it's kind of loosely based on the same story you've seen in other country music movies that are based on real people where it's like she has a drinking problem.

[9:45] It's hard to deal with the stress of being famous and being a country singer.

[9:49] Her husband, she thinks, is cheating on her with Leighton Meister, although we never actually see that happen.

[9:53] She's threatened by Leighton Meister's up-and-comingness.

[9:58] She relies on the strength of Garrett Hedlund, but not as much as she should.

Stuart Wellington

[10:04] That's Bo, right?

[10:05] That's the character, Bo?

[10:06] Yeah, Bo.

[10:06] Bo in Leighton Meister is Chili's, or?

[10:09] Her name is Chiles Stanton.

[10:11] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[10:12] That's not a real name, though, right?

[10:13] No.

[10:13] Well, neither is Bo something.

[10:15] Well, I mean, I've heard the name Bo before.

[10:17] I've never heard somebody named Chiles.

[10:19] Chiles sounds like it would be like an undercover cop in a TV show, or like a drug dealer or something.

[10:24] Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[10:25] Or a restaurant?

[10:26] I thought it was Giles for a while.

[10:30] And somebody's butler was supposed to walk into the room.

[10:32] It's not Childs?

[10:33] It's not Childs either.

[10:35] I thought it was Childs 2.

[10:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] Childs 2, the sequel?

[10:38] Yeah.

[10:39] The parenting.

[10:43] Now they're the parents.

[10:46] But basically, like, there's a song that Gwyneth Paltrow's gonna sing.

[10:49] That's the Goonies sequel, by the way.

[10:50] Goonies 2, the parenting?

Stuart Wellington

[10:51] Yeah, where the Goonies are now.

[10:53] The parents, and they have a new crop of Goonies.

[10:56] They've got to teach how to goon.

[10:59] Yeah.

[11:00] The Goon-a-ning.

[11:01] They have to remember what it's like to be a Goonie.

Elliott Kalan

[11:03] It's like a coon.

[11:04] Well, because they've sold out after the success of the first Goonies.

Stuart Wellington

[11:06] Yeah.

[11:06] Well, because they had all that money from King Willy's Gold or whatever this shit.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] No, Willow.

[11:11] Oh, Willow's Gold.

[11:12] Oh, yeah.

[11:14] So, back to Country Strong.

[11:15] So, anyway, it's a big ball of soap opera, but not a lot really happens.

[11:19] There's some crying.

[11:20] There's some fussing.

[11:21] There's some feuding.

[11:23] Gwyneth Paltrow manages to pull it together for the final big concert in Dallas, where she had her mishap that led to her drunkenly losing her baby.

[11:31] And then, spoiler alert, she dies from an overdose of pills.

[11:37] Yeah.

[11:37] Deliberate overdose.

[11:38] Deliberate overdose.

[11:39] She commits suicide.

[11:40] And then Leighton Meester and Garrett Hegman.

Dan McCoy

[11:43] And then, like a phoenix reborn from the ashes.

[11:45] Garrett Hegman goes.

[11:47] A new generation of Country Strongs are unleashed upon the world.

Elliott Kalan

[11:50] And it's ended with the promise of a professional cooperation and maybe more romance between Lincoln Minkers and German Goob.

Stuart Wellington

[12:00] I think they were better with the romance than the professional.

[12:05] I mean, they're both famous now.

[12:07] I mean, but I mean, in comparison to what?

[12:10] Like, they don't really give you a sense of the outside world and famousness.

[12:14] Like, you don't see their cover on Star Magazine or anything.

Elliott Kalan

[12:17] No, but you see that.

[12:18] You hear this.

[12:19] And that's how I judge if somebody's famous or not.

[12:20] But they do, like, big press conferences.

[12:22] And a reporter asks him, what's it like to have your life changed almost overnight?

[12:26] But what if it's like it's all, like, gaslighting or something?

[12:29] Like, in the game.

[12:30] They want to steal his jewelry?

[12:32] So, in the game, so you're saying that this is all something his brother set up to entertain him?

[12:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[12:37] For his birthday?

Stuart Wellington

[12:37] Yeah, it's all a part of a big birthday celebration.

[12:41] I don't think so.

Elliott Kalan

[12:43] Okay.

[12:43] And there's nothing in the film to support that reading.

[12:48] But you're right.

[12:48] There's no sense of, we occasionally see, like, cheering fans outside of a concert.

[12:53] And we see the audience clap along to songs, but there's no sense of that these people exist in a world that has anyone in it but these people.

Stuart Wellington

[13:00] And whatever fame they might have, at no point do you see them living differently.

[13:07] Like, he's still got that scraggly beard.

[13:09] He's still wearing a weird shirt.

[13:11] He dresses the same, yeah.

[13:12] Like, people always walk into scenes in this movie as if they forgot they were going to be in a movie that day.

Dan McCoy

[13:18] Well, if there's, I mean, if there's one thing young, handsome stars are known for, it's for being clean-shaven and kemped, Stuart.

[13:28] That's, we live in an age of real, like, real, just, like, snappy, sharp.

[13:34] Wow.

[13:35] I don't understand that.

[13:36] I don't know why you're jumping all over him like this.

Stuart Wellington

[13:38] Well, I mean, at least, like, most actors wouldn't have this.

[13:42] Could this be the end of the Flophouse?

Dan McCoy

[13:44] Dan, most actors wouldn't have this episode of the Flophouse?

[13:46] Probably not.

[13:47] It would be an abrupt way to finish the episode.

[13:49] It would be like the Twin Peaks ending.

[13:52] And then...

[13:53] But what I'm saying is that...

[13:56] We all have to imagine that someone come and save us from the Black Lodge, as I like to imagine.

Stuart Wellington

[14:01] Okay.

[14:01] Okay, let's go deep into our fucking Twin Peaks mythos here.

[14:05] So, no, all I'm saying is that...

[14:06] Right, so the fact we're talking, Dwarf.

[14:08] Is the bow character has a beard that looks like somebody glued it on his face in patches.

[14:14] Like, it's not a real beard.

[14:16] It looks like he gets up every morning, starts to shave, and goes, eh.

Elliott Kalan

[14:20] And then just leaves the rest on it.

Stuart Wellington

[14:21] And I don't know if he even shaves.

[14:22] It's like he takes a pair of, like, fingernail clippers to some of his beard and then gives up.

[14:26] He takes a piece of masking tape and he just kind of sticks it on his face.

[14:30] And whenever hair gets pulled out, it gets pulled out.

[14:32] And he sells the rest to a doll company.

[14:35] Yup.

[14:36] Very Dickensian.

[14:40] So he pays the bills on this horrible life he lives.

Elliott Kalan

[14:44] It's called getting a Nicaraguan, by the way.

[14:46] Brazilian, they use wax.

Dan McCoy

[14:47] Nicaraguan is just masking tape.

[14:49] Yeah, it mainly just gets lint out of the beard.

[14:52] That's the primary, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] But, I mean, like, the, you know, the real...

[14:55] I also forgot to mention...

[14:57] Well, after you say...

[14:58] I mean, I forgot a character, so...

[15:00] The Kevin Smith cameo?

[15:01] Is that what you're talking about?

[15:02] No!

[15:03] I'm talking about...

[15:04] There's a...

[15:05] Gwyneth Paltrow has found in the forest around the rehab place a tiny bird that she has named Loretta Lynn.

[15:11] Uh, to remind us of better country singers.

[15:13] And she says, I'm taking care of him.

[15:16] And her husband, for some reason, decides, I'm gonna take this bird away from you.

[15:19] And then later...

[15:20] You can't have nice things.

[15:22] And then, and then just carries...

Stuart Wellington

[15:23] But I'm gonna, I'm gonna go along with it and carry this fucking box around all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] You see him carrying a box with a little bird in it all around.

Dan McCoy

[15:31] I mean, you know, it's, uh...

[15:33] It's a good way to sort of keep people on their guard.

[15:37] You're not expecting them to have, like, a bird in a box.

Stuart Wellington

[15:39] And as an actor like Tim McGraw, who's kind of new to the whole acting biz, it's good for him to have, like, a...

[15:44] Like, a physical...

[15:45] In other things.

[15:45] A physical object for him to kind of...

[15:47] Yeah.

[15:47] Because he doesn't know what to do with his hands.

[15:48] Yeah, that's the thing.

[15:49] Yeah, he just put them in his pockets otherwise.

[15:51] Yeah.

[15:52] No, I was gonna say...

[15:52] So he's so used to strumming a guitar, you know, guys?

[15:55] A keytar.

Dan McCoy

[15:56] That's why he was strumming that bird through most of the movie.

[16:00] Strumming the...

[16:00] Yeah, and the bird would just go, it's a living!

[16:05] No, I was gonna say that, you know, like, the real triumph of this movie, of course,

[16:09] is...

[16:10] Of the will.

[16:11] It's just...

[16:11] It's a cavalcade of likable characters.

[16:14] The characters that we really care about, we admire, we enjoy.

Elliott Kalan

[16:18] When a major character dies, you're like, oh, uh, yeah, alright.

[16:25] Like, there's no...

[16:26] Not even a pang of anger at the movie for killing a character for no reason.

Dan McCoy

[16:29] I mean, that's one less character to sing songs.

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] Guess they weren't country strong enough.

Dan McCoy

[16:34] When Gwyneth Paltrow...

[16:34] Gwyneth Paltrow kills herself at the end, you are a left kind of thing.

[16:37] Gwyneth Paltrow.

Dan McCoy

[16:37] Gwyneth Paltrow.

[16:38] Yeah, SSA.

[16:39] You talked about it already!

[16:40] Dan, don't ruin the movie.

[16:41] When she kills herself at the end, it kind of feels like, okay, yeah, that was a reasonable

[16:47] response.

[16:48] Like, you've...

[16:49] I mean, that was a move there.

[16:51] Yeah, she wants to burn out.

[16:52] She doesn't want to fade away.

[16:53] Yeah, exactly.

[16:53] It's a logical move for you to make.

[16:55] I mean, you kind of...

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] Wants to live fast, die young, and leave a skeletal corpse.

[16:57] From what we've seen, you don't really have that much to offer people.

[17:01] Sure, why not?

[17:02] Yeah, none of these characters create any sense of connection with the audience.

Stuart Wellington

[17:05] But what about when she made all those friends at that bar when she was wasting her and then

[17:09] left that bird to die?

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] And she also sang a song for a kid with leukemia who made a wish.

[17:14] Yep, and she had sex with that sleazy concert promoter.

Stuart Wellington

[17:17] Almost had sex with a sleazy concert promoter.

[17:19] Well, she might have been having sex.

[17:20] I think she was mid-sex when...

[17:22] They were getting there, I don't think.

[17:24] I mean, they were wearing a lot of clothes, but she's, you know, we covered this.

Elliott Kalan

[17:29] You know what I'm talking about.

[17:30] Oh, yeah, that's true.

[17:31] We did...

[17:31] Okay, not something that the listeners need to hear.

Dan McCoy

[17:34] I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow, like...

[17:36] I don't need my main characters to necessarily be like...

[17:40] Be likable.

[17:41] Yeah, but I mean, there's nothing to latch onto her.

[17:43] Like, she...

[17:43] Like, this is a character who is, like, mid...

[17:48] 30s.

[17:49] Mid-meltdown through the entire film.

[17:52] Like, she...

[17:52] Like, we see two concerts where she totally dicks over her fans by, like, coming out...

[17:59] Like, the first one, she comes out, half finishes two songs, and then leaves because she can't do anything.

[18:05] She's having a mental breakdown.

[18:06] The second one, she's so drunk that she can't go out on stage at all.

[18:10] She's having some kind of a metamorphosis, you know?

[18:12] She's constantly...

[18:12] Yeah, turns into a big cockroach.

[18:14] She's constantly having sex with Bo, but then, like, yelling at her husband.

[18:18] We don't actually see her constantly having sex with him.

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] Yeah, it's not like she's on stage singing while she's having sex with him.

Dan McCoy

[18:23] All right, she's having sex with Bo all the...

[18:25] She alludes to it.

[18:26] A lot.

[18:26] And then when there's a scene...

[18:27] And then she's getting mad at her husband all the time.

[18:30] For smiling at him.

[18:32] Yeah, possibly...

Elliott Kalan

[18:33] She suspects her husband of, like, grooming Leighton Meister to be his next woman, I guess.

[18:38] But there's really no evidence that he's doing that.

[18:41] And at the same time, Gwyneth Paltrow is openly pretty much having an affair with Bo.

[18:47] Like, we know that from moment one of the movie, you know?

Dan McCoy

[18:49] So that's going on.

[18:51] You got her husband, who, like, broke her out of rehab early.

[18:56] He gave her a cake with a file in it.

[18:59] Basically just because he was like,

[19:00] Okay, well, you're my meal ticket.

[19:04] You're the big country star.

[19:05] We gotta get you back on the road.

[19:06] Yeah.

[19:07] So he's not great.

[19:08] You got Bo, who is screwing this unstable woman.

[19:13] And he does a lot of scowling and whining.

[19:15] And then he's also putting the moves on Leighton Meister.

[19:18] And then when it looks like...

[19:19] Putting the penis on Leighton Meister.

Stuart Wellington

[19:20] Yeah, he does put his penis on her.

[19:22] On her?

[19:23] He just lays it gently on the crown of her head.

Dan McCoy

[19:27] Just to give her an idea.

[19:29] It's called a Trojan helmet.

[19:30] It's like, hold on.

[19:32] It's called a Spartan.

[19:33] This penis is a little heavy.

[19:36] I've been carrying this thing around between my legs all day.

[19:39] Can I just rest it on you for a moment?

Stuart Wellington

[19:41] She was asleep.

[19:42] She didn't know.

[19:43] Can you help me carry the load?

Elliott Kalan

[19:46] I mean, Leighton Meister starts out being a very unlikable character.

[19:51] And then I felt becomes a more likable character.

[19:54] She's the only one I liked.

Stuart Wellington

[19:56] And those dimples didn't hurt anything, you know?

[20:00] Sure.

[20:00] She's a cute lady.

[20:02] Real cutie pie.

Elliott Kalan

[20:03] Yeah, she's a sweetie pie, honey.

Stuart Wellington

[20:05] It almost made me forget what a crazy roommate she was.

[20:10] Remember, guys?

[20:10] She was in the roommate.

[20:11] She had those weird tastes in art.

Dan McCoy

[20:13] I think she was playing a different character, Stuart.

[20:16] I think that these are two separate characters.

[20:17] I prefer to believe it's the same character.

Stuart Wellington

[20:19] We'll talk about that later.

[20:21] Like Patrick Swayze in Point Break and Roadhouse?

Elliott Kalan

[20:23] Yes.

[20:24] But then there's this weird moment at the end where...

[20:26] Where James Earl Jones in Star Wars ends the Great White Hope.

[20:30] Yep, same person.

[20:31] And coming to America.

[20:32] Same person.

[20:33] He's king of an African country and then he becomes king of a space empire.

Stuart Wellington

[20:37] That's what Darth is?

[20:39] That's the title?

[20:40] Space Empire king?

[20:43] Wouldn't he be an emperor?

Dan McCoy

[20:44] No, no.

[20:44] There is an emperor already.

[20:45] Okay, so he's just like...

[20:47] He's a vassal king.

[20:47] He's a principality.

[20:48] Exactly.

[20:49] Yeah.

[20:50] He's the cape Viscount.

[20:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] He's much higher than a Viscount.

[20:55] Yeah.

[20:55] He said king.

[20:56] I'm going to go with that.

Dan McCoy

[20:57] Let's do this.

[20:58] Come on.

[20:59] No, but it also bothers me...

[21:01] King of space.

[21:02] That the two young country strongs, Beau and Leighton Meester, they both want to be country stars.

[21:09] They both want to sing country music.

[21:10] Country strong.

[21:11] Yeah.

[21:12] They're opening for Gwyneth Paltrow's character.

[21:15] But for some reason, Beau lays this weird guilt trip on Leighton Meester about, oh, you can

[21:20] sing your pop country music.

[21:21] Well, they try to...

[21:22] And then seems like he's mad at her at the end when she's soaking in the adoration of the

[21:26] crowd.

Elliott Kalan

[21:26] They try to draw a line between that he's the real...

[21:29] He's got the soul of an artist.

[21:31] He doesn't care if he's performing in a stadium or in a grungy biker bar, as long as he's playing

[21:36] his music the way he wants to play his music.

[21:38] And he stands for real country, old time soul.

[21:41] Whereas Leighton Meester is like a pop Carrie Underwood type.

[21:45] Except their songs sound exactly the same.

[21:47] They sound the same.

[21:47] Yeah.

[21:47] There's no difference.

Stuart Wellington

[21:48] It'd be like if Justin Bieber was complaining about all these sellouts that play shitty pop

[21:53] music.

Elliott Kalan

[21:53] If Justin Bieber was like, Kesha, you've got to really find the soul of your music.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] And then he comes out and plays that baby, baby song he sings.

[22:03] Sorry if I've just alienated all the Flophouse listeners who are real Bieber fanatics.

[22:08] Real Bieber heads.

Dan McCoy

[22:09] Yeah.

[22:09] Well, we play mainly to an audience of tweens.

[22:11] That's what I find when I look at our demographic breakdowns.

[22:15] We play demos.

[22:15] Yeah.

[22:15] We play demos.

[22:16] We play on the network.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] I can't believe you hired that demographics company to find out the numbers.

[22:21] To do a poll of our listeners.

[22:24] All we found out are most of them own computers.

[22:26] It's going to help us with our advertising.

[22:29] You need to increase your Q rating.

Dan McCoy

[22:31] Yeah.

[22:31] What's my Q rating right now?

[22:33] Like eight?

[22:33] Yeah.

[22:34] It's 8.3.

[22:37] Is that good?

[22:37] What's that out of?

[22:38] Like 8.32?

[22:40] I know that Stuart has 12 wormy boners.

[22:44] That's better than last year.

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] I was only at 10 wormy boners.

[22:47] And Dan, how many boring Leonardos are you at?

[22:51] I don't want to get into...

Dan McCoy

[22:52] How many Leonardo Scrooge McDucks are you?

[22:53] I'm the...

[22:54] I'm the...

[22:55] Okay.

[22:56] What's your Cyclops quotient?

[22:57] I don't want to get into the study, so I don't...

[23:00] It was mainly about you two.

[23:02] And about how many tweens we could draw in.

Elliott Kalan

[23:06] Are you...

[23:06] What's your Purvisoid rating?

[23:07] Are you still at number one, or have you slipped in the rankings?

Dan McCoy

[23:10] I am Purvisoid.

Elliott Kalan

[23:11] Like, has Brett Ratner surpassed you as a Purvisoid?

Dan McCoy

[23:14] He is more of a dick, and I'm the Purvisoid.

[23:19] Okay.

[23:19] As a Purvisoid, let's say...

Stuart Wellington

[23:20] I have a more important question.

[23:21] Is the city Duckburg on the planet that Howard the Duck is from?

[23:25] And if so, does Scrooge McDuck know quack-foo?

Elliott Kalan

[23:28] I don't know if a demographics people can answer that.

[23:31] It's really more of an astrophysics question.

Stuart Wellington

[23:34] And then I have a sub-question.

[23:37] What are the tenets of quack-foo, and why does it just look like he dodges around and hits people with objects he finds?

Elliott Kalan

[23:44] Well, that's the tenet of quack-foo.

[23:46] Sure.

[23:46] Don't get hit.

[23:47] Hit people with objects you find.

[23:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:49] Mainly a style of fighting based around fighting human beings as opposed to other ducks.

[23:54] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[23:54] Well, quack-foo teaches you to fight people who are bigger and less feathered than you.

[23:59] Sure.

[23:59] It has a lot of things in common with the double dragon fighting style.

[24:03] Okay.

[24:03] Except that with quack-foo, you don't expect your enemies to fade away and turn into big things of meat that you eat.

[24:08] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[24:12] Why were the giant guys in double dragon called a Bobos?

[24:16] That's just their name.

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] Okay, Dan.

[24:21] Go back to what we were talking about.

[24:23] I think we were talking about...

[24:24] What were we talking about?

[24:25] Country Strong?

[24:26] Country Strong.

[24:27] So, Country Strong is the name of a song that Gwyneth Paltrow does sing.

[24:30] Yeah.

[24:30] So, by the time you get to that song, you're like, yeah, Country Strong.

[24:33] Yeah, this is what I came to see.

[24:35] Oh, lots of Country Strong.

Stuart Wellington

[24:37] There we got title.

[24:38] About an hour and a million years into it.

[24:41] I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] This is a very slow...

[24:43] Well, the thing is, this is the kind of...

[24:45] This is such a...

[24:46] It's such a cliche old story.

[24:48] Like, the fading star, the up-and-coming star, the rivalries, the two men.

[24:53] And, like, they could have made this movie in the 30s, the 40s, the 50s, the 60s, the 70s.

[24:58] Except in those versions, it would have been, like, over the...

[25:02] It would have been so much more emotional and so much more big.

[25:06] And here it was, like, just kind of all sub...

[25:07] It's that 90s style of filmmaking...

[25:09] Or not 90s, sorry.

[25:10] That 21st century of filmmaking where everything's, like, really subdued and not...

[25:15] There's not a lot of energy to anything.

Dan McCoy

[25:16] Well, and the only innovation they've added is in making you not sympathize with any of the major characters.

[25:24] I mean, this is a movie that, like, clearly the thing, the driving force behind it was Gwyneth Paltrow being like,

[25:31] I like to sing.

[25:32] And people, you know, telling Gwyneth Paltrow that she has a nice voice, which she does.

[25:36] Yeah.

[25:36] Yeah, it's fine.

[25:37] I mean, but, like, that was the...

[25:40] She's no Andrea Bocelli, but who is?

Stuart Wellington

[25:42] Yeah, I'm not, like, screaming and tearing in my ear holes.

Dan McCoy

[25:44] But a good quarter of the film, at least, was musical...

[25:48] Except in pleasure.

[25:50] ...was musical performances.

[25:52] Yeah.

[25:53] And everyone, I think, was credible as country singers.

[25:58] Yeah, no one embarrassed themselves.

[25:59] Yeah.

[26:00] But that's about as old as...

Elliott Kalan

[26:00] No one had to do any, like, talk singing, like actors do when they can't really sing.

[26:05] Like, I've grown accustomed to her face.

[26:09] Is that, like, basically Rex Harrison, yeah.

[26:11] But bring a woman to your life.

[26:13] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[26:14] You know, it's...

[26:15] The...

Stuart Wellington

[26:16] It's kind of interesting that all that these actors got so, like, into the project, so invested

[26:22] in the project to spend all this time, like, basically trying to become country singers first

[26:27] and then be in this movie second.

[26:29] Like, it's not like the fucking dialogue leapt off the page, like...

[26:33] No, that's true.

[26:34] I mean, I think it is the singing.

[26:35] I mean, that was probably the quality of the ink.

Dan McCoy

[26:37] Like, people who perform have the disease where they want to get up also and sing in front

[26:42] of people.

[26:42] Okay.

[26:43] Well, everyone wants to sing in front of people.

Stuart Wellington

[26:43] So you're saying that the opportunity to pursue a fake singing career was what...

[26:49] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[26:49] Well, it's very easy for a fake singing career to become a real singing career.

[26:53] Okay.

[26:54] And frankly, like, it's kind of weird.

[26:57] And frankly?

[26:58] Yeah.

[26:59] And frankly, the diary writer.

[27:01] Yeah.

[27:03] Yeah.

[27:04] Well, I won't get into that.

[27:05] Sure.

[27:06] That's not a...

[27:06] That's not a funny tangent.

[27:08] That's not a profitable line of comedy.

[27:10] The, uh...

[27:11] Like, America seems to be one of the few countries where big actors don't automatically have a

[27:17] singing career.

[27:18] Like, I watched, um...

[27:21] As Tears Go By, the Wong Kar Wai movie recently, and I was looking up stuff about it, and I didn't

[27:26] even realize that, like, the big Hong Kong stars are also huge music stars.

[27:31] Like, Andy Lau has an enormous singing career.

[27:34] You know, and it's...

[27:34] Yeah.

[27:34] Of course he does.

[27:35] It's taken for granted, like, you're a big star, so you're

[27:38] a big star in everything.

[27:40] You know?

[27:41] So I guess Gwyneth wanted a little taste of that action.

[27:45] Painting.

[27:46] Yeah.

[27:46] Sculpture.

[27:48] Engraving.

[27:49] Sure.

[27:51] Um...

[27:52] Physics.

[27:53] Wait, did you already say sculpture?

[27:55] I think so.

[27:56] I think that's why you're thinking of it.

[27:58] Yeah.

[27:59] But the, uh...

[28:00] So, let me ask you a question.

[28:01] Or did you have something you were going to say down?

[28:03] No.

[28:04] Let me open up the table to Discosione.

[28:07] Okay.

[28:08] Okay.

[28:08] So the movie Crazy Heart, did you guys see it?

[28:10] Yes.

[28:10] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[28:11] I thought...

[28:11] That's not what we watched tonight.

[28:13] We watched Country Strong.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] No, I didn't mean, did you see it tonight?

[28:15] Okay.

[28:15] Have you seen it in the past?

[28:16] Yes, I have.

[28:17] So, this movie, in terms of the overall outlines of the plot, not that different from Crazy Heart.

[28:23] Right.

[28:24] Crazy Heart was a much better movie.

[28:26] What do you think the difference is?

[28:28] Is it just that the writing was better?

[28:30] Or what?

[28:31] That you could hear what people were saying when they talked?

[28:33] Uh...

Dan McCoy

[28:34] That's a good question.

[28:37] I mean, I don't think that there is anything in Crazy Heart where, like, that character is inherently more likable.

[28:50] Like, by his actions?

[28:52] By his actions, though, I'm saying.

[28:53] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[28:53] Well, he does think, like, he loses a kid at a mall, he's a bad boyfriend.

Dan McCoy

[28:57] But Jeff Bridges has just an inherent likability.

[29:01] Whereas, I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow, I don't share the hate that a lot of people have for her.

[29:06] Like, I've liked her in things, but she is noted for having sort of a chilly demeanor.

[29:11] So, if you make her an unlikable character...

Stuart Wellington

[29:14] So, being a self-destructive diva...

[29:16] Yeah.

[29:17] ...fits Jeff Bridges, but not Gwyneth Paltrow.

Elliott Kalan

[29:20] Interesting.

[29:21] Okay.

[29:21] That's a good answer.

Stuart Wellington

[29:23] Well, and also, the...

[29:25] Crazy Heart doesn't quite so much have that, like, the reflected, like, here's a star past their prime, and these are some new up-and-coming stars.

[29:34] Crazy Heart, I don't feel really...

[29:35] I mean, it kind of had it with Colin Farrell, but he was more...

[29:39] He's already a star.

Elliott Kalan

[29:39] He's, like, it's...

[29:40] Crazy Heart, Colin Farrell has already far surpassed Jeff Bridges.

[29:44] Yeah.

[29:44] And Jeff Bridges is...

Stuart Wellington

[29:45] And the story's not really about him.

[29:47] Yeah.

[29:47] Whereas, this movie, a lot of it's about the fucking Bo character, who's fairly broadly drawn.

[29:54] Yeah, very bland.

Dan McCoy

[29:55] And I can also genuinely buy the, uh, sort of issues of authenticity that Crazy Heart tries to bring,

[30:01] because they do differentiate the sounds of the different types of country music that are used in that movie.

[30:07] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[30:07] Those are all good answers.

[30:08] And Jeff Bridges is a...

[30:11] The Crazy Heart Jeff Bridges character, bad, whatever, is a much more believable alcoholic to me than...

[30:18] Than Gwyneth Paltrow.

[30:20] And Gwyneth Paltrow, who all of a sudden, you just...

[30:22] You only...

[30:22] Her alcoholism is displayed by, every once in a while, you'll walk into a room and she'll be shit-faced with a bottle of vodka in her head.

Dan McCoy

[30:28] Yeah, I mean, like, that...

[30:29] Yeah.

[30:29] I...

[30:29] That was one of the things about the movie, is, like, I knew going in that she was supposed to be playing an alcoholic,

[30:34] but I was like, I wonder when the alcoholism's supposed to kick in.

[30:36] And then I was just like, oh, there's a bottle of vodka on the table.

[30:39] I guess she's supposed to be drunk right now?

[30:41] I didn't get that.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] Yeah, whereas in Crazy Heart, it feels like alcohol is just a necessary component to his life at all times.

Dan McCoy

[30:48] Yeah, you can feel it coming out of his pores at all moments.

[30:51] I mean, if you go to see the scents around.

Elliott Kalan

[30:53] I think those are all good examples.

[30:56] Okay, now, Country Strong...

Dan McCoy

[30:57] Country Strong, on the other hand, has Gwyneth Paltrow singing to a bald child in a cancer ward.

[31:03] Yeah, I mean, he's not just bald.

[31:04] I brought up cancer afterwards to clarify.

[31:06] One, he's not in a cancer ward, he's in a classroom.

Elliott Kalan

[31:08] All right.

[31:09] And two, he's saying bald child as if that's crazy.

[31:13] It's because he has a horrible life-threatening disease.

[31:14] No, no, I say that as if...

Stuart Wellington

[31:16] Like, get a wig, kid.

[31:17] That's what I'm saying.

[31:18] I say that...

Elliott Kalan

[31:19] Bring a hat.

Dan McCoy

[31:21] I say that as if to...

[31:22] That just accentuates his lack of hair.

[31:25] To bring attention to the fact...

[31:29] Sadness?

Dan McCoy

[31:29] To bring sadness to our listeners?

[31:31] That if you want bathos, if you want a movie that wallows in...

[31:38] Like, there's nothing more just, like, to make you feel creepy and ooky than Gwyneth Paltrow...

[31:45] Like the Addams Family?

[31:47] Singing to this cancer child with her, like, you know, like, acoustic...

[31:54] Her guys.

[31:55] It feels like Gwyneth Paltrow, the actress, being like, this is the scene.

[31:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:59] This is what's going to win me that Oscar.

[32:01] I'm going to...

[32:02] Either that or one of the scenes where I yell...

Dan McCoy

[32:03] Me and the sick child.

Stuart Wellington

[32:05] That's what's going to put me over the edge.

[32:06] The one where she yells about her dead baby bird or whatever.

[32:10] Yeah.

[32:10] Okay.

[32:10] Or wait, did that not happen?

Elliott Kalan

[32:11] I don't...

[32:12] They kind of gloss over what happens to the bird.

[32:14] They probably cut that out.

Stuart Wellington

[32:14] That was in the alternate ending that we didn't get to see.

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] The original ending...

[32:19] They walk in on her...

[32:20] This is my assumption.

[32:22] Okay.

[32:22] Because I read...

[32:23] Pay us a picture.

[32:23] I read that the DVD has the original ending, but we don't know what it is.

[32:26] We didn't watch the DVD.

[32:27] We watched it off of TiVo.

[32:30] So here's what I imagine.

[32:31] They walk into her room.

[32:32] There's pillows on the table.

[32:34] They can't wake her up.

[32:35] Uh-oh.

[32:35] They're going, Kelly, Kelly, wake up.

[32:38] Oh, what did you do?

[32:39] Kelly, Kelly.

[32:40] And they're, oh, God, she's dead.

[32:41] She pops up.

[32:42] Gotcha.

[32:43] I'm okay.

[32:44] But my bird is dead.

[32:46] Cut to the funeral.

[32:47] Tiny casket.

[32:48] Bird funeral.

[32:48] Sure.

[32:49] The Paul Bearers are all other birds.

[32:50] Paul Bearer, the sidekick of The Undertaker?

[32:52] Yes.

[32:53] Okay.

[32:54] Yeah.

[32:54] That's weird.

Stuart Wellington

[32:56] He's performing the service.

[32:58] WWE country music.

Elliott Kalan

[32:59] Yeah, they put a tiny shoebox into the dirt.

[33:02] They put, but there's a huge monument above it.

[33:05] Oh, of course.

[33:05] Like many, many times life size.

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:07] And for some reason, the bird has a book tucked under its wing.

[33:10] And in the other wing, it holds a star.

[33:13] Okay.

[33:13] So it's like a songbird.

[33:14] And she says, for you, birdie bird.

[33:18] Because she's already forgotten Loretta Lynn is the name of the bird.

[33:20] Okay.

[33:20] For you, birdie bird.

[33:21] I will continue to be.

[33:22] And she turns to the camera, close up, look at the camera.

[33:25] Country strong.

[33:26] Title comes up.

[33:27] You hear a gunshot for some reason, but no one's heard.

[33:29] Just like an exciting, like, pew, pew.

[33:31] Fireworks go off.

[33:32] You're so pretty same, sure.

[33:33] Then we cut to obligatory rap scene.

[33:36] Okay.

[33:37] She tells the story of the movie in rap form.

[33:41] With like a fish eye lens.

[33:42] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[33:43] While the animated ghost of the dead bird flits around her shoulders.

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] Well, the ghost of the dead bird is like her hype man.

[33:49] It's like, uh-huh, yeah.

[33:50] Notting its head.

Dan McCoy

[33:51] Mugs from Cypress Hill, sure.

[33:53] Sure.

[33:56] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] Yeah, and that's the end of the movie.

[33:58] Okay, and then as the credits roll, it cuts to Gwyneth Paltrow.

[34:02] And it says, two years later.

[34:04] And she's finally finishing the screenplay for Country Strong.

[34:07] Fingers covered in ink or whatever.

[34:09] Yeah.

[34:10] And she goes, perfect.

[34:10] From her computer, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:11] She goes, perfect.

[34:12] And then it says, Country Strong will return in Country Strong 2, Country Stronger.

[34:17] Oh, perfect.

[34:18] Original ending.

[34:19] I don't know why they changed it.

[34:20] I don't know why they changed it.

[34:20] For this downer.

[34:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:22] All right.

[34:22] Well, let's move on to our final judgments on this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:26] I do want to say, one last thing I want to say about the movie is that a former Daily

[34:29] Show writer and current co-writer of Will Shatner's memoirs, Chris Regan, on his Twitter

[34:35] feed had the funniest Country Strong joke, I thought, which was that Country Strong was Tarzan's

[34:39] campaign platform.

[34:43] All right.

[34:44] Anyway, final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[34:45] This is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, a movie you kind of liked.

[34:48] Stuart, how do you feel?

Stuart Wellington

[34:51] Yeah, I'd probably say it's a bad, bad movie.

[34:54] It's really slow.

[34:56] There's not really, not a lot there.

[35:00] It's fairly, fairly broadly drawn, fairly bland.

[35:04] I'm not a big country music fan.

[35:07] And the things I am a fan of, boobs, killing, all that sort of stuff, it's not in this movie.

[35:12] Very few maniacs, invisible or otherwise.

[35:15] No freaks of the castle variety or what have you.

[35:18] So, because of that, I would probably say it's a bad, bad movie.

[35:21] So, if you were like me, you shouldn't see it.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Elliot?

[35:26] I would also call it a bad, bad movie.

[35:29] It was very boring and dull.

[35:30] And they're just, like Stuart's saying, there wasn't a lot there.

[35:33] It was like they had the very barest outline of a movie and didn't fill it in.

[35:37] Characters didn't feel like characters.

[35:39] They just kind of felt like types.

[35:40] And they just kind of wandered around and there was no sense of anyone having any stake in what

[35:44] was going on.

[35:45] Mainly frowning.

[35:46] Yeah, a lot of frowning and mumbling.

[35:47] And I do like country music of the older variety that Bo is supposed to be a fan of.

[35:52] But they don't really play any of it.

[35:53] Like sometimes it plays on the soundtrack, you know.

[35:56] Yeah.

[35:56] But it was nothing much for the country fan.

[36:00] But for the Gwyneth Paltrow fan, she does a lot of Gwyneth Paltrow-y things.

[36:04] So, you know.

[36:05] I would call it bad, bad.

[36:07] Unless you're a Paltrow head.

[36:10] A Paltrune, I think they're called.

Dan McCoy

[36:14] I'll say it was bad, bad.

[36:15] It was just a bunch of unpleasant people driving around on a bus, occasionally stopping to

[36:21] sing songs.

Elliott Kalan

[36:22] So that sounds like the Magical Mystery Tour movie.

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:26] Sounds like a Sark play.

[36:26] But that had the decency for all to only be an hour long.

Dan McCoy

[36:30] And the actual music was better.

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] Yeah, true.

[36:33] Stuart, nice Sark reference.

[36:35] Yeah, I'm pretty cool.

Stuart Wellington

[36:37] I remember his name because it rhymes with fart.

Elliott Kalan

[36:41] Okay, just took away your intellectual points.

[36:43] Back down to zero.

Dan McCoy

[36:45] Just a few bits of business before we get on to letters.

[36:49] Any kibbles of business or just bits of business?

[36:50] Is this my...

[36:51] Some kibbles, mainly bits.

Stuart Wellington

[36:53] Is this my monthly employee review?

[36:55] Yeah.

[36:57] Bits of business, gentlemen.

[36:59] Stuart is fired.

[37:01] Stuart, your voice...

[37:01] Housecat, you are rehired.

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] Wait, was that why the housecat hasn't been around for a while?

[37:06] He was fired?

[37:07] Yeah, he got fired.

Stuart Wellington

[37:08] He hasn't been rehired yet.

[37:08] What was it?

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] Was it because of something he did?

[37:10] Was it drug testing?

[37:11] Was it related?

[37:11] It was drug related.

Stuart Wellington

[37:12] Oh, man.

[37:13] And have you heard about the whole Penn State thing?

[37:17] That was...

[37:18] Wait, what?

[37:18] Oh, God.

[37:19] I don't want to say anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[37:20] Well, this could really hurt the housecat's popularity.

[37:23] Yeah.

[37:24] Terrible, terrible thing to say.

[37:25] I mean, he's a beloved Flophouse character, but a huge child molestation scandal, I think,

[37:31] would take that away.

Stuart Wellington

[37:32] No, he was one of those kids that pushed over that bus.

[37:35] Oh.

[37:35] Well, that's still pretty bad.

[37:37] Yeah, but he just did it because he likes mayhem.

[37:39] Okay.

[37:40] So he wasn't supporting Joe Paterno.

[37:42] No, he just likes to knock over the...

[37:43] He's just chaotic evil.

Elliott Kalan

[37:45] Well, yeah, and I mean...

[37:46] He's a party animal.

[37:47] He's a party animal.

[37:47] Yeah, he's a party animal.

[37:48] I like to believe the housecat released a statement afterwards saying, I thought it was just a wild party.

[37:53] I in no way support Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky.

[37:59] All right.

[38:00] The housecat draws a very strong line around the protection of children.

[38:04] There's no party that gets so out of control a child should be hurt.

[38:08] See, you gotta be his press guy.

Stuart Wellington

[38:10] You gotta do his soundbites.

[38:12] Well, you know, he fired me.

[38:14] Yeah, well...

[38:14] So actual business...

[38:16] That's hard enough.

Elliott Kalan

[38:16] Because I did...

[38:17] That was his complaint that I didn't party hard enough.

[38:19] I said, you need someone around who doesn't party.

[38:21] And he threw a bottle at me.

[38:23] And I said, housecat, it used to be about the parties.

[38:25] And he said, it still is.

[38:26] And I was like, oh, you're right.

Dan McCoy

[38:28] So in non-housecat related business...

[38:30] Is there any?

[38:31] First, quickly, thanks to Jeremy M for his donation.

[38:35] Hey, thanks, man.

[38:36] The M stands for money.

[38:39] Millionaire.

[38:39] In the last episode, we teased talking about the Flophouse wiki, and then we did not say anything about it.

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] Kind of half forgot and half ran out of time.

Dan McCoy

[38:49] But there, you know, if you go to the show notes for this show, there'll be a link to the wiki.

[38:56] And yeah, my request for listeners to create an actual Wikipedia page for me ended up in them creating an entire wiki devoted to the Flophouse.

[39:06] They're doing a great job.

[39:06] About 195 pages at last count on topics including the popcorn trick.

[39:13] The popcorn trick.

[39:14] My pizza order.

Elliott Kalan

[39:16] Invisible Maniac.

[39:17] There's a whole entry for, wait, what?

[39:20] Come on.

[39:21] For mirrors.

[39:22] Yeah.

[39:23] They've been doing a great job lately of filling out the individual episodes with descriptions of the movie pitches that we make during the episodes.

[39:31] And I've been reading them at work and crying because I'm laughing so hard.

[39:35] Oh, nice.

[39:35] I love reading things we said.

[39:37] And then forgot.

[39:38] Typed out.

[39:38] And then forgot about.

[39:40] I totally had forgotten about the movie Million Dollar Getaway and got to listen to that again.

[39:46] But you guys are doing a great job.

[39:47] Keep it up.

[39:48] Very much appreciated.

Dan McCoy

[39:49] If you want to help the wiki grow, go there.

[39:51] What's the website?

[39:53] I don't have it on hand.

[39:56] Go to our website.

Stuart Wellington

[39:57] You have like four printed pages of stuff.

[39:59] Why couldn't it be on there?

[39:59] Go to our website.

Elliott Kalan

[40:01] Okay.

[40:02] Flophousepodcast.com and there'll be a link.

[40:04] There'll be a link to the wiki and please help them fill it out with Flophouse information and exformation.

[40:10] I don't even know what that means.

[40:12] I ran out of a second.

Stuart Wellington

[40:12] But they talk about your feelings over your friend's upcoming wedding, right?

[40:18] Your friend's engagement?

[40:19] Well, that hasn't been updated yet.

[40:19] And not, no.

[40:20] Okay.

[40:21] For the listeners out there, of course, Anne Hathaway got engaged.

[40:25] Very happy for her.

[40:26] Yeah, he just got his invite, right?

[40:28] Nope.

[40:28] To the bachelorette party, right?

[40:30] Don't expect to be invited to that or the wedding.

Dan McCoy

[40:32] You'll be giving the bride away, I assume.

[40:35] That is also not true.

[40:37] Neither will I be presiding over the ceremony.

[40:39] I mean, are you going to be very sad?

[40:41] Because I know you two have a history, so.

[40:42] We don't.

[40:43] The fact that she has now made her final choice.

[40:46] Are you going to give the groom a lot of, are you going to give.

[40:48] It's not necessarily final, but.

Stuart Wellington

[40:49] Are you going to be giving the groom many knowing looks?

[40:51] Like, hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[40:52] No.

[40:52] I won't be there and we'll never.

Dan McCoy

[40:53] Well, I mean, you're married now.

[40:54] And.

[40:55] Tickle her ankles.

[40:56] She loves that.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] That's creepy.

[40:59] And no.

[41:00] No, wait.

[41:00] What else is he going to say, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[41:02] Yeah, what other tips?

[41:04] Moving on.

[41:07] Furs.

[41:07] Buy her a lot of furs.

[41:08] Speaking of weddings.

[41:10] She enjoys girl things.

[41:12] If you want to see pictures of the fabled Tuxpidos, I'm going to throw something up on the

[41:16] Flophouse Facebook page just to keep it a little more private than have it floating around

[41:22] on the regular internet.

Elliott Kalan

[41:23] Yeah.

[41:23] With our millions of unique viewers to the Flophouse webpage.

Dan McCoy

[41:26] And I think, you know, if Stuart gives me an acceptable picture to share with all of you.

[41:34] Of the wedding night.

[41:35] I'll show a picture of Stu in full regalia.

[41:39] Consummation.

[41:40] Possibly with his bride.

[41:42] But.

Dan McCoy

[41:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[41:44] We'll put that up.

[41:45] So, but anyway, moving on to actual letters.

Stuart Wellington

[41:48] Also, that's a warning.

[41:50] If you don't want to see us in Tuxpidos, don't look at our Facebook page.

[41:54] Letters.

[41:55] Well, Elliot didn't take part.

Elliott Kalan

[41:56] I didn't.

[41:57] Well, I'm wearing a Tuxedo T-shirt.

[41:58] Well, I mean, spoiler alert.

[41:59] You'll see what happens.

[42:00] Come on.

[42:00] You'll see what happens.

[42:01] You'll see.

[42:02] Watch what happens.

Dan McCoy

[42:04] On Bravo?

[42:04] Yeah.

[42:05] Live?

[42:05] The TV show that's not really a TV show?

[42:08] This.

[42:09] Letters.

[42:10] Email is titled Ding Dong Gate.

[42:13] And it says.

[42:14] Okay.

[42:14] I like this analyst.

Stuart Wellington

[42:15] As soon as it's a gate made out of ding dongs?

[42:17] Yeah, but it's like the movie The Gate.

Dan McCoy

[42:19] It's from Dan, last name withheld.

[42:22] And it says, Dear the Flophouse.

[42:24] That's us.

[42:25] I'm a long time fan of the show, but have only recently been moved to write in.

[42:29] Stuart, I downloaded and watched Castle Freak thanks to your repeated recommendation.

[42:34] Downloaded?

[42:35] I hope someone got some money for that.

[42:37] iTunes, probably.

[42:38] Okay.

[42:39] And it was well worth it.

[42:40] However, I need some clarification.

[42:43] I spent the entire film waiting in eager anticipation for a character to, quote, rip off his own

[42:49] ding dong.

[42:50] But this scene never materialized.

[42:52] Oh, it must have been the R-rated version.

[42:53] The titular Castle Freak is missing his ding dong.

[42:56] But I don't think it was ever explicitly referenced that he ripped it off.

[42:59] And it's certainly not shown on screen.

[43:01] Either that or I missed this pivotal shot and I need to rewatch.

Stuart Wellington

[43:04] Well, for one, I'd recommend rewatching it.

[43:06] For two, you might have gotten a hold of an R-rated version.

[43:09] Because I clearly remember a ding dong being ripped off.

Elliott Kalan

[43:12] Much like for people who watch the television version of The Toxic Avenger, you'll never

[43:17] know that the actual version of it is much crazier.

[43:21] Yeah.

[43:22] And unrated-er.

[43:23] Never.

[43:23] And it's the version I grew up with and it wasn't until years later that I found out it

[43:26] was this, you know, bizarre movie.

Dan McCoy

[43:29] And also, a bit of advice, never ever get the R-rated version of Dead Alive or Braindead.

[43:36] Get the unrated version.

Stuart Wellington

[43:38] Because the R-rated one is like 25 minutes long, right?

Dan McCoy

[43:42] It is significantly shorter.

[43:45] And it is a butcher job in terms of like, that is a crazy fucking splatter movie.

[43:52] And a lot of that stuff is gone.

[43:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:54] And never get the R-rated version of Bambi.

[43:57] If you're a big fan of Lovely Bones.

[43:59] This is not appropriate for children.

[44:01] Stick with the G-rated version.

Dan McCoy

[44:03] On the other hand, don't get the R-rated version either of Debbie Does Dallas because you

[44:08] will be disappointed.

[44:09] Yeah.

[44:10] Sure.

[44:11] A lot of scenes will start and then stop abruptly.

Elliott Kalan

[44:14] And don't get the...

[44:16] And so forth.

[44:18] Wow.

[44:19] Look, let's let the audience fill in that bit.

[44:22] You got another letter there?

[44:24] I know we're running out of time.

Dan McCoy

[44:25] This one's from Robert, last name withheld.

[44:27] It says, Floppers, I'm running you to let you know that I'm acquainted with a former star

[44:32] of one of your favorite films, Private Lessons.

[44:35] In fact...

[44:35] No shit.

[44:36] I used to work with Patrick Hickeninny.

[44:40] That's offensive.

[44:41] That's...

[44:41] I had no reason for that.

[44:42] Who played the role of Sherman.

[44:44] People at work would secretly pass around the DVD and watch the video of his dancing scene

[44:48] at the pool.

[44:49] I never confronted the man himself about his former stardom.

[44:53] For the Where Are They Now file, Patrick is currently a lawyer in Ohio.

[44:57] As you can see, he ran for judge in Central Ohio last year.

Stuart Wellington

[45:00] He includes a link to that.

Dan McCoy

[45:03] Anywho, just thought you would want to know.

Stuart Wellington

[45:05] Well, we do.

[45:06] We do want to know.

[45:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:07] If anyone else has...

Stuart Wellington

[45:09] You really benefited from those Private Lessons.

[45:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:12] A judgeship?

[45:13] Very impressive.

[45:14] Although I don't think...

[45:15] It sounds like you didn't get it.

[45:16] If other people have stories about the stars of 80s sex comedies...

Elliott Kalan

[45:23] Yeah, please tell us.

[45:24] They know.

[45:24] Sure.

[45:25] We want to know...

[45:26] And if Eddie Deason is listening, write in.

Stuart Wellington

[45:28] Like the...

[45:29] You don't have anything else to do.

[45:31] Like the male lead in Late Consequence, Billy Zane?

[45:34] Where's he now?

[45:35] What's he up to?

[45:36] What's he up to?

[45:37] What's he doing?

Dan McCoy

[45:38] What's his story?

[45:39] And that Brat Pack, where are they?

[45:42] This one is from Beth, last name withheld.

[45:45] A lady.

[45:46] It says,

[45:46] Dear Floppers, I would like to make an amendment to Sarah, not Dan's wife's letter

[45:51] that was read during the Red Riding Hood episode.

[45:54] Wait, was that a letter from your wife?

[45:56] No, not Dan's wife.

Elliott Kalan

[45:58] Oh, not Dan's wife.

[45:59] With you, Dan?

[46:01] Yeah.

[46:01] Because it could be that...

[46:02] Because your wife is not the wife of another guy named Dan.

[46:06] Oh, God.

Dan McCoy

[46:06] This is...

[46:08] I'm confused already.

[46:09] We're through the looking glass already on this one.

[46:11] But...

[46:12] Where chess is a game played with people.

[46:14] She says,

[46:15] I feel that I have the authority to do so because Sarah is my sister-in-law.

[46:19] While discussing our new...

[46:21] Our favorite new crush is the men of the Flophouse.

[46:24] Whoa.

[46:24] Let me guess one man of the Flophouse.

[46:26] Score.

[46:28] Sarah informed me that she did, in fact, hear Stuart as Seth Rogen and Elliot as Vincent

[46:33] Cartheiser.

Elliott Kalan

[46:34] Which one's Vincent Cartheiser?

Dan McCoy

[46:36] He's on Mad Men as...

[46:39] What's his face?

[46:40] The Weasley guy.

[46:41] What?

[46:41] Pete Campbell?

[46:42] Yeah.

[46:42] Oh, I'll take that.

[46:43] That's fine.

[46:44] But what she did...

[46:45] He's got a boyish charm.

[46:46] But what she did not mention in her letter was that when she heard Dan, she pictured a giant

[46:52] talking teddy bear.

[46:54] Accurate.

[46:56] Shockingly true.

[46:57] I thought it only right to call her out on this because before she said this, the thought

[47:01] had never crossed my mind.

[47:03] Why would it?

[47:04] But there was no going back.

[47:05] The image is now burned into my brain.

[47:06] When I listened to the Flophouse, all I can picture is Seth Rogen, Connor from Angel, or

[47:12] Pete from Mad Men, if you want to be all current, and a man-sized snuggle bear sharing

[47:16] a bucket of Popeye's chicken and arguing over whether or not Duckburg is anti-Semitic.

[47:22] Now, try to imagine Dan McCoy, man-sized teddy bear, wearing a Tuxedo.

[47:28] Done.

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] Yeah.

[47:29] Seen it.

[47:30] He's like Gooby.

[47:32] Here's just one thing I want to correct.

[47:33] Popeye's doesn't sell chicken in buckets.

[47:35] They come in boxes.

[47:36] Buckets are for KFC.

[47:37] It is not a good way to store or sell chicken.

[47:40] It is a...

[47:41] But otherwise, I think it's time, Dan, that you revealed your secret.

[47:45] Dan was the star of Gooby.

[47:47] He played the part of Gooby.

[47:49] It's very hard for him to find roles, being a teddy bear man.

Dan McCoy

[47:52] I mean, Robbie Coltrane did do my voice.

[47:55] I'm sort of like the guy who was in the suit for Darth Vader.

[47:59] David Prowse.

[48:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[48:01] In that you're banned from Star Wars conventions.

[48:03] Yeah.

[48:05] That's for other reasons, though.

Elliott Kalan

[48:07] Yeah.

[48:07] That's...

[48:08] Yeah.

[48:08] Let's not get into those.

[48:09] Let's just say Slave Leia beauty contest and be done with it.

Dan McCoy

[48:14] You're right.

[48:15] You look like you've got nothing to say about this.

[48:18] Why don't you say something?

Stuart Wellington

[48:18] I'm trying to remember which episode we spent most of the time talking about furries and

[48:22] yiffies and all that shit.

[48:24] All of them?

[48:25] Yeah.

[48:25] I mean, we probably talked about it.

[48:26] Okay.

[48:27] I think it's...

[48:28] We'll check it out later.

Elliott Kalan

[48:28] It sounds like it's up to some Flophouse fan artist out there to bring this image to

[48:33] life of Teddy Bear Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[48:36] Sure.

[48:37] Possibly lusting after young women.

Elliott Kalan

[48:40] It might not be in his...

[48:41] It's hard now to reconcile your Teddy Bear qualities with your Purvisoid One qualities.

Dan McCoy

[48:46] Oh, no.

[48:46] But that's the secret.

[48:48] Yeah.

[48:48] One of them is a secret identity.

[48:49] Yeah.

[48:50] But which one?

[48:50] Oh.

[48:51] Continue.

[48:52] The left exterior allows me to lure women in for a cuddle party.

[48:56] Yikes.

Elliott Kalan

[48:57] And then they turn into something far more horrible.

[49:00] So...

[49:00] All the cuddle parties are already kind of gross.

[49:03] Kind of kind of terrible.

[49:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:04] I mean, a man-sized Teddy Bear that's...

[49:06] It's true.

[49:08] Yeah.

[49:08] That hosts cuddle parties.

[49:09] I mean, it's tough to get all that stuff out of his fur.

[49:12] Stuff?

[49:13] Stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[49:14] You know, like the stuff.

[49:15] The Larry Cohen movie.

[49:16] Okay.

[49:17] Oh, and the stuff, like the white stuff that you eat and it blows your head up.

[49:20] Yes.

[49:20] Okay.

[49:22] Because enough is never enough.

Dan McCoy

[49:24] So, this letter is titled, Bad Cop, Worst Cop.

Stuart Wellington

[49:29] We're talking about Maniac Cop, right?

Dan McCoy

[49:32] Which one would he be, though?

[49:33] Because who's worse than him?

[49:36] From Ed, last name withheld, and...

[49:38] I'm going to assume it's Ed O'Neill.

[49:40] It says...

[49:40] Star of Modern Family.

Stuart Wellington

[49:41] Dear Purvisoid...

[49:42] Star of Dutch.

[49:44] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[49:45] And the Dragnet remake.

[49:46] It says, Dear Purvisoid, Mr. Hathaway, Party Animal and House Cat.

[49:51] This weekend, I decided to treat myself to an oft-flophouse-recommended action classic, namely Tango and Cash.

[50:00] Gentlemen, I thank you.

[50:01] Oh, beauty in motion.

[50:02] Without...

Stuart Wellington

[50:03] Sounds like a poster I would have that has a hot chick on it.

[50:07] And a Lamborghini.

Dan McCoy

[50:08] Without your input, I never would have seen Kurt Russell cross-dressing, Terry Hatcher incorporating an electronic drum kit into a seductive dance.

Elliott Kalan

[50:19] Yeah.

[50:20] It fits, I guess, the dictionary definition of seductive.

Dan McCoy

[50:24] Sylvester Stallone playing a stock market whiz.

[50:27] Or the ultimate destructive power of a tricked-out Ford Explorer.

[50:30] All in all, I rate it 117 Tumessit boners.

[50:34] Wow.

[50:34] Spookily good bad.

[50:36] Congratulations on your nuptials, Stuart.

[50:38] I hope you managed to kill a bear with a flamethrower at your bachelor party.

[50:42] Close.

[50:43] Yeah.

[50:43] I mean, it was almost that.

[50:45] You'll see the pictures on the website.

Elliott Kalan

[50:48] Let's just say Stuart's not allowed back in Maryland.

[50:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:52] And there was recently a convention of bears in Maryland where I was vilified.

Dan McCoy

[50:59] An idol of me was thrown upon the ground and stepped on.

Stuart Wellington

[51:04] They swiped at it with their paws.

[51:06] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[51:06] Yep.

[51:07] As if batting fish from the lake.

[51:09] From the river.

Dan McCoy

[51:11] No, we like to spread the gospel of tango and cash far and wide.

[51:17] It's so wonderful.

Stuart Wellington

[51:18] That's the villain's fort that has a self-destruct button, right?

[51:22] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[51:23] And he has a hall of mirrors next to his desk.

[51:26] For no reason.

Stuart Wellington

[51:27] And he likes to play with white mice.

[51:28] Yeah, he's got the little maze for the mice to go through.

[51:32] Yeah.

[51:33] That movie is perfect.

Dan McCoy

[51:34] Again lives in a world where if you blow up the evidence, you're exonerated from the crime.

[51:38] That movie is perfectly stupid.

[51:41] And I love, and of course, Michael J. Pollard shows up at the end of the film as a character we've not seen before.

[51:47] Retarded weapons genius?

[51:48] The retarded Q character.

Elliott Kalan

[51:51] He is somehow an idiot savant when it comes to high-tech weaponry, but works for the police department and builds them some kind of battle truck.

Stuart Wellington

[52:02] And the end of the movie features the front page of a newspaper featuring a picture of them that was taken where there was no photographer.

Elliott Kalan

[52:12] You don't know that.

[52:14] It's not a three-dimensional picture plane.

[52:16] Hey, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[52:17] We're not in the danger room.

Dan McCoy

[52:21] Yo, Tango.

[52:24] We should really call a press agent to have a photographer out here.

[52:29] No need.

Elliott Kalan

[52:30] There's a scene, the parking garage chase scene, where there's an empty parking garage, but when they need people to be in trouble, there's a homeless person with a shopping cart, someone with a bunch of presents, and two people having sex in the back of a station wagon.

Dan McCoy

[52:45] There's the Russian guy who, for no reason, is like, I believe in perestroika.

[52:51] Okay, that's a Russian thing that was current at the time.

Elliott Kalan

[52:54] It does not apply here.

[52:55] And Sylvester Stallone's greatest line ever, perhaps, about, uh, you obviously haven't been watching your, judging by the food in your refrigerator, you obviously haven't been judging your weight, watching your weight.

[53:05] Perhaps you've been too busy keeping your eye on the evidence you used to set us up.

[53:09] It doesn't make any sense.

[53:11] When I saw that movie in the theaters recently, not recently, but a couple years ago.

[53:15] Yeah, I was with you.

[53:15] Yeah, yeah, when we went to go see it, the audience spontaneously applauded at that line.

[53:20] Oh, man.

[53:23] That is the, maybe the Citizen Kane of stupid movies.

Dan McCoy

[53:25] You know, it was a movie that we talked about doing for our next live Flophouse event, and we couldn't do it because the venue was going to do it for another reason.

[53:32] Yeah.

[53:32] But maybe if we do another Flophouse event in the future, it'll be far enough ahead that we can, uh.

[53:37] I hope so, because that would be awesome.

[53:39] Ah.

[53:39] Anyway, last email of the night from Ashley, last name withheld.

[53:44] It's titled, Elliot the Killer.

[53:47] And it's one line, all caps.

[53:49] The Miike movie?

[53:51] One line, all caps.

[53:53] Where is Simon Fisher?

[53:55] So clearly, Elliot's reign of terror.

[53:59] Look, I'm the last person to ask where Simon Fisher is.

[54:02] The dead bodies you've left in your wake.

[54:04] How many dead bodies?

[54:05] Name any of them.

[54:05] Well, as we've established before, Danielle's former beau.

[54:09] Yep.

[54:09] Yeah.

[54:10] Your previous, the woman who held your job before The Daily Show.

[54:13] No, she's.

[54:14] And Simon Fisher.

[54:14] She's currently still alive.

Elliott Kalan

[54:16] All murdered by you.

[54:17] You're like a talented Mr. Ripley guy.

[54:19] And Andy Rooney, there's some suspicions.

[54:20] Andy Rooney.

[54:21] Yeah.

[54:22] I am.

[54:23] Talented Mr. Kalen over here.

[54:24] Let's, well, thank you.

[54:25] I am very talented.

[54:26] I'm what's called a double threat, but not threatening in a killing way.

[54:30] Okay.

[54:30] I am a writer performer.

[54:33] Okay.

[54:34] And.

[54:34] What do you perform?

[54:36] Like country music?

[54:37] Like surgeries.

[54:38] Oh, okay.

[54:39] Amateur service.

[54:40] Yeah.

[54:42] So.

[54:43] I perform one man shows based on classic literature.

[54:46] Hop on Pop, for instance.

[54:47] Sure.

[54:48] The little engine that could.

[54:50] What I wonder is, what if the engine couldn't?

[54:52] And I take the show from there.

[54:53] The novelization of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the movie.

[54:56] Well, the second one.

[54:57] I couldn't get the rights to the first.

[54:58] Yeah.

[54:58] So I do a novel, a one man show of Secret of the Ooze.

[55:01] Okay.

[55:02] I play both Toka and Rezar.

[55:04] All right.

[55:04] And I have a reinterpretation of the ninja rap that I think you'll find quite delightful.

Dan McCoy

[55:09] So let's do a quick run around to recommend some movies that we actually liked, that we've

[55:15] seen, that instead of Country Strong, maybe you should spend your time on these.

[55:20] Sure.

[55:21] Recommendations.

[55:22] I'll quickly go.

[55:23] I have two very fast.

[55:25] I saw a screening, a pre-screening of Young Adult, starring Charlize Theron and Patton

[55:33] Oswalt.

[55:35] And it is the best.

[55:38] We've made fun of both.

[55:40] Thing you've ever seen, right?

[55:40] No, no, no.

[55:41] I was going to say, we've made fun of both Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody on this show before.

[55:46] I don't know what we've made fun of.

[55:47] We've offered informed criticism.

[55:49] We've said that they are overrated.

[55:50] I don't think that they're untalented people.

[55:52] It's not like we call them like Poopy Face or something.

[55:54] No, no, no.

[55:54] I mean, I might have.

Stuart Wellington

[55:56] They have...

[55:57] I don't want to say that I didn't and then get caught out in a lie.

Dan McCoy

[56:00] No, they both have genuine talent but have been overpraised wildly.

[56:04] Sure.

[56:05] And Young Adult, I think, is actually the best thing that either of them has done.

[56:09] So I enjoyed that.

[56:11] And I saw...

[56:13] It was either...

[56:14] I can't remember the last word.

[56:16] It was either Machete Maidens Unleashed or Machete Maidens Unchained.

[56:19] It's a documentary about a period of time when exploitation movies were made in the Philippines.

[56:25] It was the same people who made the Ozploitation movie, not quite Hollywood.

[56:31] And there's a lot of stuff about Roger Corman.

[56:33] And it's just a fun documentary that's on streaming Netflix right now.

[56:36] Oh, that sounds good.

[56:38] Elliot, do you have something?

Elliott Kalan

[56:39] I'll recommend also two movies.

[56:40] One is my monthly Closely Watched Films screening series.

[56:45] Wednesday, December 7th at 7.30 p.m. at 92i Tribeca.

[56:48] For those of you who are going to be in New York, I'm showing The Scarlet Empress starring Marlena Dietrich.

[56:53] The craziest and best, in my opinion, of the Marlena Dietrich-Joseph von Sternberg collaborations

[56:58] about how Catherine the Great became Tsarina of all the Russias.

[57:02] And it's insane.

[57:03] It's basically the only time in history, I think, that all the resources of a studio film

[57:08] were used for the uncensored expression of one man's bizarre kind of fetishes and obsessions.

[57:14] And it's really good and a lot of fun.

[57:15] And I'm going to be joined with my special guest, Michael Kupperman, the cartoonist.

[57:19] He has it from Snake and Bacon's Cartoon Cabaret, a tale designed to drizzle in his new book,

[57:24] Mark Twain's Autobiography, 1910 to 2010.

[57:28] And for those of you at home, I'm going to recommend a movie called I Wake Up Screaming starring Betty Grable and Victor Mature.

[57:34] It's basically a film noir movie, but it's from before the film noir movement really started.

[57:40] But it's a really crazy, like, fast-paced murder mystery thriller.

[57:44] And it's a lot of fun.

[57:46] So The Scarlet Empress, December 7th.

[57:48] And I wake up screaming whenever you choose to watch it.

Stuart Wellington

[57:52] Stu Rat?

[57:54] Well, recently there was Thanksgiving.

[57:56] And Thanksgiving to me is a time where you eat a lot of food and then you watch a lot of movies.

[58:02] One of those movies I watched.

[58:04] I thought you were selling us on movies.

[58:06] Movies, guys.

[58:07] They're little windows of imagination.

[58:09] I think you need an intro to segue into movies.

[58:12] So I watched the movie Zaps with Scott Dao and Willie Ames.

[58:18] Sure.

[58:18] A classic.

[58:19] And I really enjoyed it.

[58:21] Has one of the best salami-based pot hallucination scenes of any movie.

[58:26] Yep.

[58:27] Scatman Crothers is a pretty awesome minute.

[58:29] And I really...

[58:32] What I was wondering in the movie is if his superpower wasn't telekinesis,

[58:37] if his superpower was like he was just really strong,

[58:40] would the scenes where he like picks up and pulls guys' pants down

[58:44] and throws them around and rips girls' shirts off,

[58:46] would that be creepier than if he's just using his mind?

[58:49] I think so, yes.

[58:50] So it would be creepier if he was just a strong guy ripping girls' shirts off.

[58:54] Because that's conceivable.

[58:55] That's the thing some crazy strong person could do.

[58:58] What if he could like shoot out fire and the fire burned their shirts off?

[59:02] That seems dangerous.

[59:03] Okay.

[59:04] Yeah, they would probably...

[59:05] Yeah, there would be bubbling skin.

[59:07] It would not be...

[59:08] So the best option is that he's got telekinesis and he uses power almost exclusively to rip real shirts off.

Dan McCoy

[59:15] I mean, it is still a form of sexual assault.

[59:17] This is glossed over in the film.

[59:19] Okay.

[59:21] Especially in the crescendo of the movie.

[59:23] Those are crazy.

[59:23] Where all the shirts are getting ripped off.

Elliott Kalan

[59:25] To be fair, he was hit on the head.

[59:27] Yeah.

[59:27] So he loses control.

[59:29] But his subconscious still wants to see boobs.

[59:31] Yeah.

[59:32] And...

[59:32] And butts.

[59:33] Let's not forget the butts.

Stuart Wellington

[59:35] I was a little shocked at how few boobs you see in that movie.

[59:39] Yeah, it's true.

[59:40] Where the focus is a guy who can rip girl shirts off and...

Elliott Kalan

[59:43] I mean, this was a mainstream movie.

[59:44] This was not...

[59:45] The point of this movie was to like...

[59:46] This is no invisible meaning.

[59:47] Show a little boobs and then go on from there.

[59:50] This wasn't like, you know...

Stuart Wellington

[59:52] Well, you don't see that many boobs until the very end of the movie.

[59:54] Well, you gotta save it to the finish.

Elliott Kalan

[59:56] Come on.

[59:57] Well, boob-splosion.

[59:58] A boob-splosion.

[59:59] I think, whatever the case, he is a sexual assault fiend.

[1:00:03] Yeah.

[1:00:03] But if he was using fire or his own strength, then there's no reason for the police to not just arrest him right there.

[1:00:09] Because everyone will have seen him do it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:11] So it's like an American psycho type thing where he almost can't help himself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:15] But also, like, nobody knows how it's happening.

[1:00:18] So...

[1:00:18] Okay.

[1:00:19] It's like everyone is kind of, huh?

[1:00:21] What?

[1:00:21] As opposed to mad at him for doing this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:24] Or having, like, Salami-based hallucinations.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:27] Yeah.

[1:00:28] I mean, that's an American psycho thing.

[1:00:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:29] Yeah.

[1:00:30] Well, now that we've finally prosecuted Scott Baio, I think we can sign off for this episode.

[1:00:35] We still have to deal with Zapped 2.

[1:00:35] Oh, real quick.

[1:00:36] I gotta promote...

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:37] Zapped again?

[1:00:38] Go to Charlene's Bar on Monday nights for Trivia Night.

[1:00:43] All right.

[1:00:43] So if you're in Brooklyn...

[1:00:45] If you're in Brooklyn...

[1:00:46] Look up Charlene's Bar on Flatbush.

[1:00:48] Go to Trivia Night.

[1:00:49] You'll probably see me and maybe these two turds.

[1:00:53] Possibly.

[1:00:53] Less likely now that you called us turds.

[1:00:56] I thought that would inspire you to want to be better at trivia.

[1:00:59] Oh, yeah.

[1:00:59] And I won't call you a turd anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:01] Wait, but what's my reward then?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:03] Not being a turd.

[1:01:04] You'll be a Transformer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:05] Oh, that's awesome.

[1:01:06] That's way better than being a turd.

[1:01:08] Unless I'm one of those crappy Transformers.

[1:01:10] So while we study up on our trivia, I'm gonna sign up.

[1:01:13] You can be Soundwave if you want.

[1:01:14] Can I be the one that turns into the cassette?

[1:01:17] Yeah, well, wait.

[1:01:17] Which one?

[1:01:18] Guys.

[1:01:18] The breakdancing one.

[1:01:19] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:21] For the fluff house.

[1:01:23] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:24] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:01:25] I am, as always, remaining Ellie Kalin unless I'm the Transformer who turns into an audio cassette.

[1:01:31] Good night.

The Flop House: Episode #92 - Country Strong

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