The Flop House: Episode #94 - Conan the Barbarian

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Conan the Barbarian, because Krom demanded it.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] And my name is Elliot Kalin, and that's who I am.

[0:39] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[0:40] Back from the...

Stuart Wellington

[0:41] Abyss.

[0:42] Guys, I'm really hungover today, so can you take it easy?

[0:46] We'll do our best.

[0:47] You guys do most of the talking.

[0:49] We didn't do anything yet. It seems very preemptive.

[0:52] I'm just letting you know. Take it easy on me, no jokes at my expense, but make most of the jokes, and I'll just hang out.

Dan McCoy

[0:58] What about jokes at the expense of the hat you're wearing right now?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01] No, you can make... Wait, no, that's still against me, though.

[1:04] No, no, is the hat hungover?

[1:06] No, no, no, just me.

[1:07] I'm wearing a hat because it keeps my brains in my head, so leaking out my ears.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12] A guy, I read a story about a guy who had to do that because he was attacked by a bear.

[1:17] Wait, what?

[1:17] He was attacked by a bear, and he had to hold his hat really tight on his head to keep his brains from falling out.

[1:22] He survived, though.

Dan McCoy

[1:23] It was a bear with one of those skull saws.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] Yeah, the bear was tree-panning him to open up his third eye, and it went a little out of control, and the bear ran away because he had a record, and he didn't want to get picked up one more time.

Dan McCoy

[1:35] The bear subscribes to some really out-there, new-age...

Elliott Kalan

[1:38] Yeah, the Fortean Times, and...

[1:40] Did it work, though, or...?

[1:42] No.

[1:43] Okay.

[1:43] His third eye remained closed.

[1:45] In fact, it was more closed, and that's why he founded the band Third Eye Blind.

[1:48] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:50] Interesting anecdote.

[1:50] They had some hits.

[1:51] Mm-hmm.

[1:52] So, that was a bit of nonsense to start us off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] That was VH1 Storytellers.

[1:58] And now on with...

Stuart Wellington

[1:58] No, wait, Storytellers is where they tell their own story, right?

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] I thought...

[2:02] That was my story.

[2:03] Take off mask, reveal I'm the guy from Third Eye Blind, don't know his name, so let's just call him James Smogan.

Stuart Wellington

[2:09] Let's call him Blindy.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Blindy McThird Eye.

Stuart Wellington

[2:14] I mean, that band name...

[2:15] That name is like a prophecy.

[2:18] Yeah.

[2:18] Like the movie The Prophecy.

[2:20] Or the other movie The Prophecy.

[2:22] Prophecy 2.

[2:23] Or Prophecy.

[2:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:26] A movie that we saw.

[2:27] Yeah, so we talk about movies.

[2:29] So what are we doing today, Dan?

[2:30] You're the host host it.

[2:31] In general, what we do at this show is we watch a movie, perhaps a bad movie, and then we discuss it.

[2:37] I mean, usually it's bad, though.

[2:39] So it's either poor financially or...

[2:42] Well, it's a flop.

[2:42] Stuart, we don't prejudge, but we assume that the things that we see are probably...

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] Well, and the disappointment today was we were going to watch one that we thought we might enjoy, and...

[2:54] And spoiler alert?

[2:55] Spoiler alert.

Dan McCoy

[2:55] Didn't live up to our expectations.

[2:58] We watched a movie called Conan.

[3:01] Can't Stop.

[3:02] The Barbarian.

[3:03] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[3:04] Yeah, Conan the Barbarian.

Elliott Kalan

[3:05] Conan the Barbarian.

[3:07] I wish it was called Conan the Barbarian in 2011, and it was like basically Beastmaster 2, and he just was in our modern day times.

Stuart Wellington

[3:14] Yeah, like in the Masters of the Universe movie.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] Yeah.

[3:17] Well, the weird thing about the Masters of the Universe movie is that it was a fourth world New Gods script that basically just got turned into a Masters of the Universe movie.

Stuart Wellington

[3:27] So is that weird or just a fun fact?

Elliott Kalan

[3:30] Well, if you watch Masters of the Universe now, and if you're familiar with Jack Kirby's New Gods comics that DC did, you'll notice that the characters make much more sense as those characters.

[3:40] That He-Man is Orion, Skeletor is Darkseid.

[3:42] That's why laser beams come out of Skeletor's eyes, that kind of stuff.

Dan McCoy

[3:45] And where does Courtney Cox fit into all this?

Elliott Kalan

[3:48] She was picked out of a crowd by Bruce Springsteen to dance with him on a stage.

[3:52] Okay.

[3:53] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[3:54] And we have him to thank for her career.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] Yep, that's for sure.

Dan McCoy

[4:00] So, but Conan, you or Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[4:03] I was pretty excited.

[4:04] You're a big Conaniac.

[4:06] You're a Conehead.

[4:07] That's what they call fans of Conan.

[4:11] No, I, you know, I'm a big fan of Conan, the movie Conan the Barbarian, and...

[4:17] 2011.

[4:18] And I'm...

[4:18] Let's get out of ourselves.

[4:20] I'm going to come to that, you know, in my own time.

[4:22] The John Milius, is that how you say it?

[4:24] John Milius, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jimmy Earl Jones.

[4:27] And Dino De Laurentiis.

[4:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] As Dino.

[4:32] Schlockmaster extraordinaire.

[4:33] Well, he also made a number of good movies.

[4:35] No, it's true.

[4:36] I mean, he produced La Strada, for crying out loud.

Stuart Wellington

[4:39] And he, and also the Robert Howard stories.

[4:45] The original basis.

[4:46] Yeah, yeah, of the character.

[4:47] I like all that stuff.

[4:48] Mm-hmm.

[4:49] So, I went into this movie with no expectations or personal feelings on the matter.

Elliott Kalan

[4:55] It wasn't like you had a deep investment already in your preconceived notions of the character.

Stuart Wellington

[5:01] Yeah.

[5:02] It's not like I saw the trailers for this movie and complained loudly to everyone within listening distance.

[5:08] Or if I was on the subway platform looking at a poster that somebody had scribbled boobs on.

[5:13] All right.

[5:13] And I would complain to them that it didn't look right.

Dan McCoy

[5:16] So, before we get into your deep personal attachment, Elliot, maybe you could quickly sum up this movie.

[5:21] I bet you could do it in about 30 seconds.

Elliott Kalan

[5:23] Much quicker than in the last couple ones.

[5:26] So, we open in ancient Hyboria where Morgan Freeman, surprisingly, I don't know how they landed him.

[5:31] Like, that's probably a third of the budget, narrates that this is a long time ago.

[5:35] He does about 30 seconds worth of work in the whole film.

[5:37] Basically, a long time ago in a world far, far away, there was – it's a lot of warring tribes.

[5:44] There was a magic mask that this guy used to rule the world.

[5:48] All the tribes ganged up to stop him, and the mask was shattered, and everyone was given a piece of the mask.

[5:52] It's basically the same story as the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring, right?

[5:57] And so, there's an evil warlord who's going around looking for the pieces of the mask.

[6:01] We end up in Cimmeria, the northern wastes, where there's a barbarian group of people.

[6:07] Ron Perlman seems to be their leader slash wise man, and his son is Conan, who at first you think is going to be kind of like a clumsy boob.

[6:16] But then you see he, like, single-handedly kills three opposing tribesmen while keeping an egg in his mouth.

Stuart Wellington

[6:23] Yeah, and they're grown men.

[6:25] Yeah.

[6:26] Like, grown animal men, and he just totally destroys them.

Elliott Kalan

[6:28] And so, he's all badass from childhood.

Dan McCoy

[6:31] And as you said, apparently, the proof of who's a badass in this universe is the same as, like, a home ec.

[6:37] Class in high school.

Elliott Kalan

[6:38] Oh, yeah, that they can keep an egg around for a day and not break it.

[6:41] Yeah.

[6:41] They're ready for parenthood now.

[6:44] And smashing open the heads of guys who look like last of the Mohegans guys.

[6:48] Yep.

[6:49] So...

[6:49] Those are Mohegans.

[6:50] Oh, okay, Mohegans.

[6:52] Mohegans?

[6:52] Like Mohegan's son?

[6:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:55] Look at values there.

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] Uh, the bad guy and his army come in and kill everybody in the village.

[7:02] They torture Ron Perlman, the dad, and take the piece of the mask.

Stuart Wellington

[7:06] In a really long, mumbly scene.

[7:08] Everyone mumbles in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[7:09] It's like a mumblecore sword and sorcery.

[7:11] Or they have crazy accents.

[7:13] Yeah, or they have crazy accents.

[7:15] Or their teeth are full of sharp pieces of metal, so you can't really hear them talk very well.

[7:19] Or one guy has his nose cut off, so you can't...

[7:21] He has a weird voice.

Dan McCoy

[7:23] And it's a real shame, because the dialogue, the sparkling dialogue, is really the delight of this film.

Elliott Kalan

[7:27] Well, Tom Stoppard was brought in to do an uncredited rewrite.

[7:30] Oh, really?

[7:30] Yeah, so that's why there was all that stuff about relativity and fractal science and English poetry of the late 19th century.

Dan McCoy

[7:39] Wow.

[7:40] The more you know, Stuart.

[7:41] Sorkin-esque.

[7:42] Yeah, Sorkin-esque, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] A lot of walking talks in his movie.

[7:44] Oh, yeah.

[7:46] Middle brow.

[7:46] Everybody on their A game.

[7:49] So, Conan's whole tribe is destroyed, but he escapes.

[7:53] For some reason, they just let him live.

[7:54] They let him live, I think, out of respect for his feistiness.

[7:57] Yeah.

[7:59] He vows revenge.

[8:00] On his ass.

[8:00] We cut to, I don't know, 10, 15, 20 years later, he's a grown man, played by Khal Drogo.

[8:06] Yeah, yeah.

[8:07] With super pecs, and not a very good actor.

[8:10] And he and his black friends, free slaves, who are topless women, and ride around on a party boat.

[8:17] Conan then hears word that this evil warlord with an enormous army who is going around destroying every kingdom in the world,

[8:26] Conan has no idea who he is.

[8:28] Never heard of him.

[8:29] But he hears of his name and goes on a quest for revenge.

[8:32] Along the way, he picks up a lady monk, played by, what's her name?

[8:35] Rachel Nichols.

[8:36] Rachel Nichols.

[8:36] Rachel Nichols of G.I.

[8:37] The Rise of Cobra, who is the last in a line of descendants going back to some crazy magic priesthood.

[8:48] And the villain needs the full mask and her pure blood to bring back his witch wife, who will then give him the power to control the world.

[8:56] And so Conan and them run around a lot.

[8:58] The bad guy's daughter is Rose McGowan, who's kind of an evil witch with no hair on her forehead and sharp nail talons.

[9:05] Or eyebrows.

[9:06] Or eyebrows.

[9:07] And talons like Lady Deathstrike or Freddy.

[9:10] And they just kind of fight and run around and fight each other.

[9:13] And in the end, they fight.

[9:15] And then Conan wins.

Stuart Wellington

[9:17] He puts on the magical mask that does literally nothing and then dies.

Elliott Kalan

[9:21] The bad guy puts on the magical mask, fights Conan for a while.

[9:24] He starts calling the spirit of his dead witch wife into the body of Rachel Nichols.

[9:29] And then brags to Conan for a long time.

[9:32] And then Conan knocks him off a bridge.

Stuart Wellington

[9:33] Yep.

[9:33] He brags to him just long enough for Conan to knock him off a bridge.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] And the whole fortress falls apart.

[9:39] And they leave.

[9:40] Also, along the way, Conan and Rachel Nichols totally do it.

[9:44] Or Rachel Nichols' body double.

[9:46] Rachel Nichols' body double.

[9:47] Because according to Wikipedia, she will not do nudity in movies.

[9:52] You found out that fun fact.

[9:54] I looked it up because Dan was like, surely she doesn't have a no nudity clause.

[9:58] Why doesn't she just get naked in movies?

Dan McCoy

[9:59] She's known to be such a fine thespian who would never do something like pose in, say, a men's magazine.

[10:08] Or basically rely on...

[10:10] A lad mag.

[10:11] That's what you're saying.

[10:12] Rely on a cleavage bearing top in all of her roles.

[10:17] In every movie she's ever made.

Elliott Kalan

[10:18] So, you know, I just...

[10:20] In this movie, it seemed...

[10:22] I will mention that there was a battle between Conan and an army of sand men who do a lot of flips and stuff.

[10:28] Sand people, if you will.

[10:29] And they're not sand people.

[10:30] Those are Tusken raiders.

[10:31] They ride single file to hide their numbers.

[10:33] On Banthas.

[10:35] On Banthas.

[10:35] But they are scared away by the call of the...

[10:38] What?

[10:38] Cray Dragon?

[10:39] What is it called?

[10:40] Yeah, something like that.

[10:41] And there's also a part with a tentacle monster who decides to basically ignore Conan and kill all of Conan's enemies.

[10:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] Well, they're old buddies from back in the day.

[10:52] Him and the tentacle monster?

[10:53] Yeah.

[10:54] Him and Tenty?

[10:54] That was the bad guy's first mistake.

[10:56] The bad guy summons a tentacle monster, I'm guessing, because he's been bored sitting down in the dungeon by himself all day.

[11:03] And then, yeah, most of the action, most of the scene is shots of either the tentacles killing bad guys or just shots of the one bad guy smiling and laughing.

Elliott Kalan

[11:13] You don't really know that Conan's there for a while.

[11:15] There's a bunch of hench monsters, like kind of grotesque guys who you see them all in the beginning in the village, and Conan kind of swears revenge on each of them.

[11:25] But, like, most of them don't even get names, and you barely see them.

[11:28] Yeah.

[11:28] Like, they should be kind of the bosses to each level, but they just kind of come and go as they please.

Dan McCoy

[11:32] Well, there was Noseless, and there was Toothy.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] Noseless, Toothy.

[11:37] Toothy was Remo.

[11:38] He was the only one, I think, who got a name and a personality.

[11:42] It was Big Black Guy and Big Monster Man.

[11:46] Yeah.

[11:47] And Rose McGowan, Lady Deathstrike.

Stuart Wellington

[11:50] Yeah.

[11:51] I think that's it.

[11:53] Yeah.

[11:53] And then the head bad guy whose name might elude me.

[11:56] Lord Mumbly Mouth.

Dan McCoy

[11:58] Yeah.

[11:58] Mumbly Mouth.

[12:01] So, Stuart.

[12:02] Yes.

[12:03] Let's get back to you.

[12:04] Okay.

[12:04] Because you clearly have a real personal connection with the material.

Elliott Kalan

[12:09] You are part Sumerian.

Stuart Wellington

[12:11] Is that right?

[12:12] I really don't like talking about my background.

Elliott Kalan

[12:14] I mean, I know you're, you can't hint yourself, you don't culture, you're not religious, you

[12:19] don't practice worship in Krom, but you do ethnically and culturally identify?

Stuart Wellington

[12:27] I don't necessarily believe all the spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but I do, you know, I kind of like

[12:32] the rituals of it all.

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] Oh, I will mention this movie started on a really high note.

[12:37] There's a battle going on and Conan's mother is pregnant and she's stabbed in the belly

[12:41] with a sword.

[12:42] And so Conan's father, he's like, oh no, what am I going to do?

[12:45] And she goes, I want to see my son before I die.

[12:47] So he basically gives her a cesarean section on the battlefield and she names him Conan

[12:52] and then dies.

[12:53] And then I guess in the middle of a battle, Ron Perlman just holds his baby up.

[12:57] But it's because Conan is battle-born.

[13:00] He's born on the battlefield.

[13:01] Should have been called a Conanian section, right?

Stuart Wellington

[13:06] No.

[13:06] No, they could still say C-section.

[13:08] Yeah.

[13:09] But I mean, it happened pre-Caesar, right?

Elliott Kalan

[13:11] I mean, there are a lot of places where there's just kind of pillars and togas.

[13:15] So I don't know if it was before or after Caesar.

[13:17] This could be post-apocalyptic.

[13:18] And a lot of styrofoam boulders.

[13:20] This could be, it would be a very different movie, but the same movie if it just opened

[13:23] with like a computer readout that said like, Earth, 2245 AD.

[13:30] Yeah.

[13:31] After the disaster, you know, something like that.

[13:35] You could still do Morgan Freeman doing the narration.

[13:38] Yeah.

[13:38] After the nuclear blast, Earth became a wasteland.

Dan McCoy

[13:42] It's not a Morgan Freeman.

[13:43] Aliens and monsters roamed the Earth.

[13:46] Morgan Freeman has a Scottish accent.

Elliott Kalan

[13:49] One man had to take the wasteland and tame it.

[13:54] Who's the man now, Conan?

[13:56] Okay.

[13:57] Now, I mean, Luke really tipped your hand there.

[13:59] I found the cure for Conan, but I lost it.

[14:03] Kind of like you lose your keys?

[14:05] Yeah.

[14:05] Like, you know, like you lose your keys.

[14:08] Oh, Sean Connery.

[14:10] Highlander 2, The Quickening.

[14:13] He just advertises other movies in the middle of his movie?

[14:16] He was in that.

[14:17] Yeah.

[14:19] Welcome to Entrapment.

[14:21] If you want to see another movie with me, why not go watch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?

Dan McCoy

[14:27] If you want to see me in a flop, see me in a real flop.

[14:33] Zardoz.

[14:36] Just gonna run around in a diaper for the whole movie.

Elliott Kalan

[14:38] I got a mustache and a red diaper and a gun.

[14:41] What more do you need?

[14:42] And boots that go up to my knees.

[14:44] There's a floating stone head in that film, for God's sake.

[14:47] For God's sakes.

[14:47] What more do you need to see it?

[14:50] There's a whole sequence where I just sit there in a cave with my wife and we turn into skeletons.

[14:55] What do I have to tell you to get you to see this movie?

Dan McCoy

[15:00] I would love it if that was the trailer for Zardoz.

[15:03] Just him describing it.

[15:04] There's some crazy shit in this film.

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] We wear masks and rape people.

[15:10] It turns out it's the Wizard of Oz in the end.

Dan McCoy

[15:12] If I described it, you can't even believe it.

[15:15] You have to see it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] There's all sorts of psychic shit with these women.

[15:18] I don't even know what was going on.

[15:20] But I'm in like a cocoon or something.

[15:23] You gotta see this.

[15:24] It's amazing.

[15:26] When does it come out?

[15:27] Look it up.

[15:28] Oh, this will blow your mind.

[15:32] Who's the Zardoz now, dog?

[15:36] It's the way he's doing a trailer for a movie made a long time ago.

[15:39] Oh no, this is for the re-release of Zardoz.

[15:41] Yeah.

[15:43] If you haven't seen it, you owe it to yourself.

Stuart Wellington

[15:46] Yeah, for Zardoz 3D.

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] Zardoz 3D.

[15:50] You'll think that the giant stone head is just flying out of the screen at you.

[15:54] It's amazing.

Dan McCoy

[15:56] This is more and more like a Sean Cosby.

Elliott Kalan

[16:00] Have a Jell-O pudding pop when you see Zardoz.

[16:06] We shot on Kodak film.

Stuart Wellington

[16:10] Okay, so none of this happened in Conan.

Elliott Kalan

[16:14] I wish it had.

[16:16] Sean Connery just wanders the wasteland advertising his old movies.

Stuart Wellington

[16:20] But it takes place in a different universe or something, right?

[16:24] Because there's no Hyperborea, not that I know of, England or something.

Elliott Kalan

[16:29] Well, it's very possible that that period of time was just lost to history.

[16:33] Lost to the mists.

[16:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:35] Yeah.

[16:36] As I understand it, mists get in the way of a lot of this.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] They do, because you get addicted to it, and it's like, you don't even really see much.

[16:43] It's just these computer-generated kind of still images, but you want to click through it and find out the answer to the puzzle.

[16:48] Yeah, okay.

[16:49] Like, mists really gets in the way.

[16:51] Yeah.

[16:52] You should just get the strategy guide and just go through it point by point.

[16:55] It's really long.

[16:56] Save you some time.

[16:57] It is a long game.

Stuart Wellington

[16:58] And the strategy guide looks like a phone book.

Elliott Kalan

[17:01] Oh, well, it is a phone book.

[17:03] You can call people who have finished the game, and they can tell you what to do next.

[17:06] Give you all the tricks.

[17:07] The tricks and tips.

[17:08] All the cheat codes.

[17:08] Of the mispros.

[17:10] I'm laughing.

[17:11] Mysterians, they call themselves.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] I'm laughing less because it's funny and more because it is stupid.

[17:17] But anyway, thanks for the judgment.

Elliott Kalan

[17:19] That's really unnecessary.

[17:20] So this was a safe place.

[17:21] So I guess that was a bad, bad tangent, is what you're saying?

[17:24] Yep.

[17:25] Frightfully unfunny?

[17:26] No, good, bad tangent.

[17:27] Oh, okay.

[17:28] So Conan the Barbarian.

[17:29] So Stuart, what did you think?

Dan McCoy

[17:30] Stuart, you were, yeah.

[17:31] No, but I was trying to lead you into a little discussion.

[17:34] He was trying to force you to talk.

Elliott Kalan

[17:36] Much like you asked at the beginning of the show,

[17:38] don't make me talk too much.

[17:39] Dan was forcing you to talk.

[17:41] As someone who...

[17:42] He was expressly ignoring your wishes.

Dan McCoy

[17:45] As someone who is sort of bored through half of the original movie

[17:48] and has never read the books.

[17:50] Okay.

[17:51] I need you to guide me.

[17:52] That's you, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[17:53] Well, the...

[17:55] He's your Padawan learner.

[17:56] The things I like about the movie,

[17:58] obviously the soundtrack's great.

[18:00] The original, you're saying?

[18:01] The original, yeah.

[18:02] And I don't know, it feels kind of...

[18:05] It feels more like it's taking place in a

[18:07] different world.

Elliott Kalan

[18:09] You were saying during this movie,

[18:10] while we were watching it,

[18:11] there's an exotic quality to the old movie.

Stuart Wellington

[18:12] Yeah, I mean, there's...

[18:13] The first, what, half hour of the movie

[18:16] has maybe like four lines of dialogue.

[18:20] And they're all,

[18:20] Zardoz!

Elliott Kalan

[18:22] Which is really weird.

[18:25] In the old movie,

[18:26] you get the feeling that the guy who made the movie,

[18:28] John Milius,

[18:29] really kind of believes the philosophy of these characters.

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:33] Kind of like force and violence as a way of justice.

[18:36] Well, because he's a, you know,

[18:38] he is a legendary crazy person.

[18:40] He's a crazy gun nut.

[18:41] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:42] And, well, and part of like,

[18:44] and the setting up of the bad guys

[18:46] in the beginning of the original film,

[18:48] they do a much better job of kind of creating characters

[18:50] out of nothing.

[18:51] Like, hey, this guy's got a hammer.

[18:54] This guy's got a mustache and then steals the sword.

[18:56] This guy's James Earl Jones.

[18:58] What's he doing here?

[19:00] And like, I don't know,

[19:01] you get the sense of,

[19:03] there's a kind of strangeness and weirdness

[19:05] to like these characters.

[19:08] You don't have a voiceover in the beginning saying,

[19:11] in the olden days of Hyperborea,

[19:13] then this happened.

[19:14] And they don't,

[19:15] this movie really rams it down your throat

[19:17] with as soon as possible that this is,

[19:20] this revenge story

[19:22] where Conan's only goal is to,

[19:24] to get revenge for his dead father.

[19:27] And that's never really been the character.

[19:29] Like never,

[19:30] obviously he takes revenge when he can.

[19:34] Like who wouldn't?

[19:35] I mean, who wouldn't guys?

[19:36] Yeah, I mean like,

[19:36] it's right there.

[19:37] It's like,

[19:37] it's like a T-ball.

[19:38] But he has a lust for life in the stories.

[19:41] And he's like,

[19:41] he's a thief.

[19:42] And for winches.

[19:42] Yeah.

[19:43] So he's looking to steal,

[19:44] winches?

[19:45] To steal babes hearts.

Elliott Kalan

[19:45] Like things you turn?

[19:48] A lust for winches.

Dan McCoy

[19:49] Yeah, he fucks winches.

[19:50] This is what I'm saying.

[19:51] How did you design this pulley system?

[19:52] I've got to know.

[19:54] You just take the middle screw thing out of him.

[19:56] And you know.

[19:56] Whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[19:57] Dan knows way too much about having sex with winches.

Dan McCoy

[19:59] You just fuck that winch.

[20:02] You give that winch.

[20:03] Sorry.

[20:04] I'm very sorry I took us down this road.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] I didn't realize it would end in horror.

Dan McCoy

[20:08] You give that winch a good rogering, huh?

[20:10] Stu?

[20:10] Okay, so you were saying,

Elliott Kalan

[20:12] Conan the character.

Stuart Wellington

[20:13] Yeah, the Conan character is not,

[20:15] I find at least,

[20:16] the focus is not the revenge aspect.

[20:19] Obviously, he takes it when he can,

[20:20] but more he's just this like larger than life,

[20:23] almost like animal,

[20:24] like base lusts.

[20:26] He's a fantasy figure.

[20:26] Yeah.

[20:27] And I didn't really,

[20:29] I don't feel they really grabbed that

[20:31] in this remake.

[20:32] It seems like he's mainly there to,

[20:35] like to boringly go after the guys

[20:37] who killed his dad,

[20:38] who had their own revenge interests at heart.

[20:41] And there's really no sense of

[20:43] revenge as like a pointless exercise.

[20:46] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[20:47] There's also,

[20:48] I feel that if they had had a better actor

[20:49] in the lead,

[20:50] maybe he could have gotten across

[20:51] more of that personality of like

[20:53] kind of the mercenary out for himself

[20:55] who,

[20:57] he's like your fantasy figure of like

[20:58] what you could do in a world like this

[21:01] where there is no law

[21:02] and where you have the abilities

[21:03] and the strength.

[21:05] And instead he just kind of felt like,

[21:07] but except for like the,

[21:08] like kind of a third rate,

[21:09] you know,

[21:10] Schwarzenegger.

Dan McCoy

[21:11] Yeah.

[21:11] But except for the topless pirate party

[21:14] at the beginning of the movie.

[21:15] That was pretty great.

[21:16] There's,

[21:16] there's really nothing in the movie

[21:18] as written

[21:18] that would even lend itself to that

[21:20] because it really is

[21:21] just a revenge.

Dan McCoy

[21:21] Because he's so single-mindedly

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] focused on revenge.

Stuart Wellington

[21:24] Yeah.

[21:24] Like even,

[21:25] they could have,

[21:26] they could have made

[21:26] some of his motives less clear.

[21:28] They could have made it

[21:29] so that he thought

[21:30] he was actually going to try

[21:31] and sell this magical monk lady

[21:33] back to the guy.

[21:33] Yeah.

[21:34] Or at least make her feel like

[21:36] he was going to like,

[21:37] actually trade her life

[21:38] for money.

[21:39] Or even try,

Elliott Kalan

[21:39] give him like some side adventures.

[21:41] When you look at a movie like,

[21:42] you know,

[21:43] fucking the Princess Bride

[21:44] has more of a sense of like

[21:45] characters on an epic adventure

[21:48] who get mixed up

[21:49] in different things

[21:49] and maybe their motives

[21:50] aren't all pure.

[21:52] And this,

[21:52] you'd think Conan the Barbarian

[21:53] would be a lot darker

[21:54] and bigger in scope

[21:56] than the Princess Bride.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] Well,

[21:58] and I think one of the things

[21:59] that helps with Princess Bride

[22:00] is that

[22:00] you get an actual sense

[22:04] of geography with it.

[22:05] Yes.

[22:05] They're traveling through

[22:06] a specific area

[22:07] and then they move

[22:08] to a different specific area

[22:09] instead of everything.

[22:11] Like,

[22:11] this movie,

[22:12] they show these different cities

[22:13] and they give every city

[22:14] a name,

[22:15] but they all are interchangeable

[22:17] and apparently,

[22:18] like,

[22:18] as you said,

[22:19] maybe a couple hours

[22:20] ride from each other.

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] it takes no time

[22:22] to get anywhere.

[22:23] It's like this ancient world

[22:25] where everything's either

[22:26] a forest,

[22:27] a coast,

[22:27] or a desert

[22:28] and they're all within,

[22:30] like,

[22:30] three hours of each other.

[22:32] Yeah.

[22:32] You know,

[22:32] and you have

[22:33] these enormous...

Dan McCoy

[22:34] Unlike Star Wars

[22:36] where every planet

[22:37] is either a forest,

[22:39] a desert,

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] or an ice planet.

[22:41] But, like,

[22:42] they're totally different worlds

[22:43] that different scenes

[22:44] take place on

[22:45] and you have a made-up

[22:46] bullshit science fiction

[22:47] reason why you can travel

[22:48] quickly between them.

[22:49] Right.

[22:49] Yeah.

[22:50] And you don't know,

[22:50] maybe the other side of Endor

[22:51] looked totally different.

Dan McCoy

[22:52] I just think it's funny that,

[22:53] like...

[22:53] It only showed a tiny bit of Hoth.

[22:54] I just think that's the funny

[22:55] thing about Star Wars.

[22:56] It's just, like,

[22:56] every planet has one

[22:57] kind of ecosystem,

[22:59] it seems like.

[22:59] But, like,

Elliott Kalan

[22:59] in our solar system,

[23:01] like,

[23:01] Earth is unique

[23:02] in that it has

[23:02] multiple ecosystems.

[23:04] Yeah.

[23:04] Like,

[23:05] the surface of Mars

[23:05] is pretty much

[23:06] the same all over.

[23:08] Yeah,

[23:08] it looks like Tatooine.

[23:09] Yeah,

[23:09] exactly.

[23:10] And the surface of Neptune,

[23:12] for instance,

[23:13] or the moons of Jupiter

[23:15] are just like Hoth.

[23:17] In a way,

[23:18] Star Wars is very accurate.

[23:20] Yeah.

[23:20] There are Tauntauns.

[23:23] It's crawling with Wampas.

[23:24] And Mars is full of Jawas

[23:26] and Pondababas.

[23:29] Not to mention

[23:29] your Dr. Evazons.

Stuart Wellington

[23:31] And your Starlocks.

[23:32] And don't forget

[23:33] the dark helmets

[23:34] with his Schwartz abilities.

Elliott Kalan

[23:36] That's a different thing.

[23:38] Wait, what?

[23:38] No,

[23:39] you're thinking of something else.

Stuart Wellington

[23:40] Okay,

[23:40] well,

[23:40] we'll talk about this.

[23:41] You got your Barfs.

[23:43] And your Pizzas the Hut.

[23:45] Pizzas the Hut.

[23:46] Okay,

[23:46] thanks.

[23:47] Thanks for clarifying

[23:48] the fucking plural

[23:50] of Pizzas the Hut.

Elliott Kalan

[23:50] You got your yogurts

[23:52] and your Jewish princesses

[23:55] and your whatever that robot

[23:58] that Joan Rivers is

[23:59] the voice of is called.

[24:01] I'm glad that just saying

[24:03] things that exist in a movie

[24:04] makes us laugh.

[24:06] When that movie is Spaceballs,

[24:07] you remember all the great jokes

[24:09] that are in Spaceballs

[24:10] and how much they make you laugh.

[24:14] But yeah,

[24:16] the geography of this world

[24:17] just feels very haphazard

[24:18] and not real.

[24:19] There's no sense of

[24:20] like that they really traveled

[24:22] on this quest

[24:23] because they just kind of

Stuart Wellington

[24:23] walk around and...

[24:24] And if you're going to make

[24:25] all the effort to name,

[24:27] like,

[24:28] not only name the cities

[24:29] but like put it up

[24:30] on the screen,

[24:31] we have no idea

[24:32] where these places are.

[24:33] They make no effort

[24:34] to actually give you

[24:35] a sense of the geography of it.

[24:37] And they're all running

[24:38] through Roman columns

[24:39] or forests or desert.

Dan McCoy

[24:42] Yeah.

[24:43] You wanted to be like

[24:44] a fantasy book

[24:45] where you can flip back

[24:46] to the front

[24:46] where they got the little map.

[24:47] To check out

[24:47] the fucking sweet map.

[24:49] Exactly.

[24:50] With like a little

[24:51] cartoon mermaid

[24:52] drawn in the corner.

[24:53] Where are they going now?

[24:55] Oh, I get it.

[24:55] They gotta go through

[24:56] those tree symbols

[24:58] to get to those mountain symbols.

[24:59] They gotta go through

Stuart Wellington

[25:00] the weeping forest

[25:01] to get to the mountains

Elliott Kalan

[25:02] of foreboding.

[25:02] Wait a minute.

Elliott Kalan

[25:02] This says this map

[25:03] isn't a scale.

[25:05] I don't know

[25:05] who to trust anymore.

[25:09] I guess what I'm saying

[25:10] is they didn't put

[25:10] very much level of nuance

[25:13] or anything

[25:14] into the script

[25:15] or movie.

Stuart Wellington

[25:17] Yeah, well everything

[25:17] just kind of

[25:18] rambled along

[25:19] until they needed

[25:20] something to happen.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] It did kind of feel

[25:23] like a Conan the Barbarian

[25:24] movie made by people

[25:25] who weren't that familiar

[25:26] with Conan the Barbarian

[25:27] and were just like,

[25:29] yeah, we kind of get it.

[25:30] Like he's a long-haired

[25:30] guy with a sword

[25:31] and then he fights

[25:32] some other guys

[25:32] and they're wearing

[25:33] like outfits

[25:33] from Waterworld.

[25:34] Somebody stole

Stuart Wellington

[25:36] his dad's sword.

[25:37] He wants that thing back

[25:37] and he wants to

[25:38] kill him with it.

Elliott Kalan

[25:39] He probably has

[25:40] like a magic ring

[25:41] that he can use

[25:41] to make giant green fists

[25:42] or something.

Dan McCoy

[25:44] It's weird to some degree

[25:45] because...

[25:46] I'm a dead, dying, skinless guy.

[25:48] If you look at

[25:49] the Wikipedia page,

[25:50] they talk about

[25:50] how this went through

[25:51] seven years of development

[25:54] and they were really determined

[25:56] they're going to make

[25:56] an R-rated

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] Conan movie.

Dan McCoy

[25:59] It was certainly R-rated.

[26:00] There's blood all over.

[26:01] No, and that's one of the things

[26:02] I did like about it

[26:03] is they did make an effort

[26:05] to make it less brutal.

[26:09] That was not part

[26:10] of the thing.

[26:12] It was indeed brutal.

[26:14] We got a Friday the...

[26:15] Not Friday the 13th, sorry.

[26:16] PG the 13th.

[26:21] But it seems like

[26:23] in all that time

[26:24] developing it

[26:25] they could have figured out

[26:26] like, okay,

[26:27] what is this Conan thing?

[26:28] Well, Conan needs

Stuart Wellington

[26:30] more topless slave women

[26:31] not just in the beginning.

[26:32] Not just in one scene.

[26:34] Yeah, you don't want to get

[26:35] your guys all worked up

[26:37] and then not give them

[26:37] more slave...

[26:38] They could have thrown

[26:39] those in later on.

Elliott Kalan

[26:40] Well, it sounds like

[26:41] from the Wikipedia entry

[26:41] it makes it sound like

[26:42] they were working on a script

[26:44] at one studio

[26:45] for a long time

[26:46] and then the rights

[26:47] moved to a different studio

[26:48] and at a certain point

[26:49] they just threw out

[26:50] the old version

[26:51] and just wrote whatever

[26:52] and maybe they kept

[26:53] like one element

[26:54] or two elements.

[26:55] We need a Conan movie

[26:56] right now.

[26:57] It's time to do a Conan

[26:58] for the 21st century.

Stuart Wellington

[27:00] America is hungering

[27:00] for another Conan movie.

[27:02] So, and there's

[27:04] a lot of stupid bullshit

[27:05] like making up

[27:06] this magical skull mask

[27:08] that the bad guy

[27:09] is trying to get

[27:10] and he gets it

[27:11] and then he puts

[27:11] the virgin blood

[27:12] on there or whatever.

[27:13] I mean, it's not virgin blood.

[27:14] It's not virgin blood

[27:14] because we saw her

[27:15] totally banging

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] with Conan.

[27:17] Yeah.

[27:18] He totally put his sword

[27:19] in her forge.

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:22] Was it the fire

Stuart Wellington

[27:23] or the ice

[27:24] that tempered his steel?

[27:26] Both.

[27:27] Holy shit.

Elliott Kalan

[27:27] We learned in the beginning

[27:28] that the magic of,

[27:29] the mystery of steel

[27:30] is that it takes both

[27:31] fire and ice

[27:32] to make it strong.

[27:33] This is never brought up again.

[27:35] One of the mysteries

[27:36] of Pittsburgh.

[27:37] It takes both fire

[27:38] and ice

[27:39] to make a hoagie.

[27:41] But that's,

[27:42] I mean, that's...

[27:42] Or do they call them

[27:43] grinders there?

Stuart Wellington

[27:44] That's even one of the things...

[27:45] That's one of the mysteries.

[27:46] Like one of the greatest...

[27:47] A cheesesteak, let's say.

[27:47] One of the only bits

[27:49] of dialogue

[27:49] in the original movie

[27:51] in the first half hour

[27:52] is Conan's dad

[27:54] explaining

[27:55] the riddle of steel

[27:56] to him.

[27:56] Yeah.

[27:57] And that's,

[27:58] that's this awesome

[27:59] like memorable moment.

[28:00] And yet they just kind of,

[28:02] they not only change it,

[28:03] but they make it

[28:04] something stupid.

Elliott Kalan

[28:05] Yeah, it's very perfunctory.

[28:06] It's a very perfunctory movie.

[28:08] You do get like,

[28:09] for every neat moment

[28:10] like someone getting

[28:10] their hands cut off

[28:11] or Ron Perlman

[28:13] having hot...

[28:14] A bunch of sand guys

[28:14] flipping around.

[28:15] Or molten metal

[28:17] being poured

[28:18] into Ron Perlman's beard.

[28:20] It's like,

[28:20] there's a lot of just,

[28:23] it's like they couldn't

[28:23] even be bothered.

Dan McCoy

[28:25] You know?

[28:25] I mean,

[28:25] there was a scene

[28:26] where like a horseman

[28:27] is going through an arch

[28:28] and Conan pulls up

[28:30] a huge big chain.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] And punches the horse

[28:32] in the face with it.

Dan McCoy

[28:33] That was pretty great.

[28:34] That was pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[28:36] And, you know,

[28:37] there's,

[28:37] I'm sure there are

[28:38] other good parts

[28:38] but I'm forgetting them now.

[28:39] I like the bit

Stuart Wellington

[28:40] where they freed

[28:41] all the slaves

[28:42] and the one male slave

[28:43] was,

[28:44] yeah,

[28:44] there was topless women

[28:45] and the one male slave

[28:45] was like,

[28:46] you destroyed all our food!

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] And Conan's,

[28:50] there's like,

[28:51] Conan's answer to that is,

[28:53] we'll have a party!

[28:55] And they do.

Dan McCoy

[28:56] So what?

[28:57] So let's dance!

[28:59] I like that version of Conan

[29:00] where he just goes around

Elliott Kalan

[29:01] different places

[29:02] and like frees people

[29:03] and they have a party.

[29:04] That's,

[29:05] then that feels more like

[29:06] the old Conan.

[29:07] Like he was all about,

Stuart Wellington

[29:08] they could have given us

[29:08] 20,

[29:09] 30 minutes of that.

[29:10] Yeah.

[29:10] And I would have enjoyed it.

[29:12] It makes you wish

[29:13] that they just...

[29:13] If they cut out

[29:13] all the bad guys

[29:15] stomping around,

[29:16] speechifying about

[29:17] how he's gonna bring

[29:18] his dead wife

[29:19] back to life

[29:20] or something.

[29:21] Yeah.

[29:21] And then weird

[29:21] eyebrowless Rose McGowan

[29:23] being like,

Elliott Kalan

[29:24] oh,

[29:24] I feel her spirit in me.

[29:25] She does a lot of

[29:26] just standing,

[29:28] like walking around

[29:29] in the background

[29:29] of shots,

[29:30] you know,

[29:31] like a little sway.

[29:32] Swanning about

[29:33] as Dan described it.

[29:34] This was her jokester

[29:35] from The Dark Knight.

[29:36] Yeah.

[29:37] Jokester.

[29:37] This was gonna be her.

[29:38] She was gonna revolutionize

[29:39] the way we thought

[29:40] of Conan the Barbarian villains.

[29:41] Yeah.

[29:44] And then jokester.

[29:45] Electrifying.

[29:45] I think the saddest moment

[29:47] was when you said,

[29:48] she looks like

[29:48] kind of a Rose McGowan type

[29:49] and Dan looked it up

[29:50] on his phone

[29:51] and was like,

[29:51] oh,

[29:51] that is Rose McGowan.

[29:53] Huh.

[29:54] How far she's fallen

[29:55] from the days of,

[29:56] what did she do?

[29:57] What,

[29:58] Planet Terror?

[29:58] I guess so,

[29:59] yeah.

[29:59] Charmed?

[30:00] Charmed,

[30:00] like Doom Generation?

Dan McCoy

[30:01] As far as I'm concerned,

[30:02] Planet Terror

[30:03] is the pinnacle

[30:03] of her career.

[30:05] That was not that long ago.

[30:06] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] you know what?

[30:07] I kind of get her mixed up

[30:07] with Christina Ricci,

[30:09] I guess,

[30:09] is what it comes down to.

[30:10] Those dark-eyed brunettes

Dan McCoy

[30:12] with huge foreheads?

Elliott Kalan

[30:13] Yeah,

[30:14] that's pretty much what it is.

[30:15] Very pale.

Dan McCoy

[30:16] I believe they're called

[30:16] Five Heads

Stuart Wellington

[30:17] on Wikipedia.

[30:19] I'm not familiar with that.

[30:20] It means it's one bigger

[30:21] than a forehead.

Dan McCoy

[30:23] Does Five Head

[30:24] have a Wikipedia page?

[30:25] Yeah,

[30:26] I'm sure it does.

Elliott Kalan

[30:26] Yeah,

[30:26] the Batman villain,

[30:27] Five Head.

[30:28] The man with Five Head.

[30:29] Five Head goes west.

[30:32] In American Tale 2,

[30:33] you mean?

[30:33] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[30:35] Where the streets

[30:37] are paved with cheese,

[30:38] I guess.

[30:38] Yeah.

[30:38] Pepper Jack out of it.

[30:39] Well,

[30:39] they didn't even have

[30:40] paved streets

[30:42] in the Old West.

[30:43] It was some

[30:43] Southwestern style.

Dan McCoy

[30:51] He shoots a seven-shooter.

[30:55] Because it's one more.

[30:56] Everything's one more.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] Because it's one more,

[30:58] yeah.

[30:58] With a Polaroid camera,

[30:59] he shoots a seven-shooter.

[31:00] This is just a two-horse town.

[31:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:03] This town ain't big enough

[31:04] for the three of us.

[31:08] It's a Five Head's gimmick.

[31:10] That everything's just one more?

[31:12] Yeah.

[31:12] It's like a terrible

[31:14] old vaudeville gimmick.

[31:15] Yeah, it is.

Stuart Wellington

[31:17] This Domino's pizza

[31:18] better arrive

[31:19] within 31 minutes or less.

Elliott Kalan

[31:24] He'll check it on his pizza tracker.

[31:27] TM.

[31:28] TM.

[31:29] Thanks.

[31:30] We don't want Domino's

[31:30] to sue us

[31:31] because we didn't mention

[31:32] they have a trademark

[31:33] on pizza tracker.

[31:36] Yeah.

[31:36] We wouldn't want them

[31:37] sending the Noid after us

[31:38] in our dreams.

[31:40] We're going to have to

[31:40] avoid that Noid.

[31:42] So yeah,

[31:42] I always assumed

[31:43] the Noid was a Freddy Krueger

[31:44] type who invades

[31:44] people's dreams

[31:45] when they're thinking

[31:45] about pizza.

[31:46] Is that the case?

[31:49] Here's your pizza, bitch.

[31:53] I don't know,

[31:54] but he's got

[31:54] extreme attitude,

[31:56] that Noid.

[31:56] Well,

[31:57] that's what you would think

[31:58] of a guy wearing sneakers

[31:59] over his feety pajamas.

Dan McCoy

[32:02] Well,

[32:03] I'm sensing a lot

[32:04] of enthusiasm

[32:04] for Conan,

[32:05] so I think

[32:06] that it's only

[32:07] right and natural

[32:08] that we go straight

[32:09] to Final Judgments.

[32:10] Final Judgments.

[32:12] Now,

[32:12] is this a movie

[32:13] Wow!

Elliott Kalan

[32:16] Secret Flop Cat

[32:17] Flop Cat appearance.

Dan McCoy

[32:20] Is this a movie

[32:21] that you think

[32:22] is a bad,

[32:23] bad movie?

[32:24] A movie with

[32:24] no redeeming facets?

[32:25] A good,

[32:26] bad movie?

[32:27] You mean like

[32:27] I Spit on Your Grave?

[32:28] Yeah.

[32:29] Well,

[32:29] maybe.

[32:29] It depends on

[32:30] what your feelings

[32:31] are on I Spit

[32:31] on Your Grave.

[32:32] Okay,

Elliott Kalan

[32:32] well,

[32:33] what about

[32:33] a movie with

[32:34] no redeeming features,

[32:35] so like

[32:35] nothing but trouble.

[32:36] Yes,

[32:37] like that.

[32:37] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[32:38] A good,

[32:40] bad movie,

[32:40] a movie that

[32:41] you might delight

[32:42] in the humor

[32:42] found in its badness,

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] such as

[32:46] You're the Rooms,

[32:48] You're Trolls 2.

Dan McCoy

[32:51] or a movie you kind

[32:53] of liked.

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] Self-explanatory,

[32:56] guys.

[32:56] I don't understand.

[32:57] What's a movie

[32:58] we might like?

[32:58] Do we have those?

[32:59] Do those exist

[33:00] in this world?

[33:00] I don't think we've

[33:01] watched one

[33:02] in quite some time.

[33:02] I guess Bratz.

[33:03] Gremlins 2.

[33:04] Gremlins 2 is not a movie

[33:05] we kind of like.

[33:06] It's a movie we love.

[33:08] Yeah.

[33:08] It's a near-perfect film.

[33:10] It's a movie

Dan McCoy

[33:11] that I own

[33:12] on DVD.

Elliott Kalan

[33:13] That's not saying

[33:14] that much.

[33:14] The bar for,

[33:15] you did buy

[33:16] a 10-movie set

[33:17] that was just

[33:18] high school TNA

[33:19] movies in the 1980s.

Dan McCoy

[33:20] Yeah,

[33:20] well,

[33:20] that's a lot of

[33:22] nostalgia.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] shot into Dan's

[33:24] personal life.

[33:25] He owns

[33:25] Gremlins 2.

[33:26] Look,

[33:26] that's me.

[33:27] Dan,

[33:28] don't get too personal,

[33:28] okay?

[33:29] You don't want

[33:29] the listeners

[33:30] to be able

[33:30] to get inside

[33:31] your head.

Stuart Wellington

[33:34] I'm sure

[33:34] that some of our

[33:35] listener mail

[33:36] is coming from

[33:36] the county jail

[33:37] and you're nervous

[33:38] that one of the

[33:39] criminals.

[33:40] Dan,

[33:40] how'd you like

[33:40] to play a game?

[33:42] A Gremlins 2 game.

[33:45] See,

[33:46] I'm glad

[33:46] that we mixed up

[33:46] Jigsaw

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] and Freddy Krueger.

[33:48] The same basic guy.

Dan McCoy

[33:50] Is the answer

[33:51] John Glover?

[33:52] Is that the answer

[33:53] to your question?

[33:55] Wait,

[33:55] what?

[33:55] He's in

[33:56] Gremlins 2.

Stuart Wellington

[33:58] Yeah,

[33:58] the actor John Glover,

[33:59] sure.

Dan McCoy

[34:01] Danny Glover's brother.

[34:03] He's Clamp.

[34:04] Yeah,

[34:04] we get it.

[34:05] So what are we doing,

[34:05] Dan?

[34:06] Final judgment?

Elliott Kalan

[34:07] Thanks for the

Stuart Wellington

[34:07] fucking Gremlins 2

[34:08] trivia.

Elliott Kalan

[34:09] Not even trivia,

[34:10] just name someone

[34:11] who was in it.

[34:11] I thought you were

[34:12] doing like a

[34:13] beginning of Scream.

[34:14] Here's a piece

[34:14] of Jurassic Park

[34:17] trivia,

[34:18] Sam Neill.

[34:20] Yeah?

[34:21] Is that what

[34:21] you were doing,

[34:22] Dan?

[34:22] That's also

[34:24] part of my

[34:25] memoirs of

[34:26] Invisible Man

[34:26] trivia.

[34:28] Here's a piece

[34:28] of memoirs of

[34:29] Invisible Man

[34:29] trivia,

[34:30] Sam Neill also.

[34:32] Daryl Hannah.

[34:33] I've got some

[34:34] Omen 3

[34:37] trivia,

[34:38] Sam Neill.

[34:41] Zardox trivia,

Dan McCoy

[34:43] Sean Connery.

[34:44] Zardox?

[34:45] Yeah,

[34:45] Zardox.

[34:47] Is that the

[34:47] cleaning fluid?

[34:49] That's where the

Elliott Kalan

[34:50] ship with the

[34:51] porthole of time

[34:52] docks.

[34:52] The Zardox.

[34:53] Zardox.

[34:54] Oh, nice.

[34:55] Flophouse callback.

[34:56] Anyway.

[34:57] Look it up.

[34:59] What do you have to

Dan McCoy

[35:00] say about this movie?

[35:01] Final judgment is

[35:01] wise.

Elliott Kalan

[35:02] Frighteningly funny,

Dan McCoy

[35:03] horrifyingly good bad,

[35:05] or spookifyingly scary.

[35:06] It's not Shocktober.

Stuart Wellington

[35:08] I would give it,

[35:09] you know,

[35:10] I'd give it a full-on

[35:12] wormy boner,

[35:12] probably.

[35:14] Again.

[35:15] Like a real rager.

[35:17] Wait,

[35:17] how is it wormy

[35:18] and a rager?

[35:19] That's the thing.

[35:20] You gotta figure it out.

[35:21] I mean,

[35:22] it's worm riddled.

[35:23] It's riddled with worms.

[35:25] I didn't know that was

[35:26] what wormy meant

[35:26] all this time.

[35:29] No,

[35:29] I mean,

[35:30] I guess it moved

[35:31] fairly quickly,

[35:32] but it,

[35:34] and it's fairly bloody,

[35:36] and there are,

[35:36] there is like a weird

[35:37] pirate,

[35:38] pirate party in the beginning.

[35:39] I mean,

[35:40] it wasn't,

[35:41] I don't know,

[35:42] like it was pretty crappy,

[35:43] but there's a,

[35:44] there's.

[35:44] He's just asking your opinion,

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] you know,

[35:46] it shouldn't be this difficult.

Stuart Wellington

[35:47] No,

[35:48] I just don't want to be

[35:49] pinned down to your,

[35:50] your tough categories here,

[35:51] Dan.

[35:52] No,

[35:52] it's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[35:52] Does it help?

[35:53] Yeah,

[35:53] how do you,

[35:54] I want to see you take it.

Dan McCoy

[35:55] Does it help Stuart to say

[35:56] that I,

[35:57] I am hovering between

[35:58] Bad Bad

[36:00] and I kind of liked it?

[36:02] Like,

[36:02] because there's stuff in it

[36:04] that I enjoyed.

[36:05] I really,

[36:05] I actually thought that like,

[36:07] it,

[36:07] for a modern action movie.

[36:09] Wouldn't that make it Good Bad then?

Elliott Kalan

[36:10] If it was in between those two?

[36:12] Well,

[36:12] Good Bad,

[36:12] I feel like is a bad movie

[36:14] that's silly to watch.

[36:15] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[36:15] it's enjoyable because it's so bad

[36:17] that it's funny.

[36:18] And this is not that.

[36:19] Whereas I feel like this wavers

[36:20] between like,

[36:21] things that I genuinely liked

[36:22] and things that I disliked.

[36:24] Like,

[36:24] there's a lot of boring bullshit

[36:26] in the middle of this movie

[36:27] in particular.

[36:28] But,

[36:29] it has second act drag.

[36:30] For an action movie,

[36:32] like,

[36:32] I kind of appreciate

[36:33] that this is a modern action movie

[36:35] where no one does like,

[36:36] crazy fucking Resident Evil bullshit.

[36:39] Like,

[36:39] everything that happens

[36:40] in this movie

[36:40] seems like

[36:41] just a really muscular guy

[36:43] with a,

[36:44] with a sword

[36:44] and what he would do.

[36:45] Fighting sand demons.

[36:47] Well,

[36:47] I mean like,

[36:48] there's fantasy elements,

[36:49] but the actual fighting

[36:50] is...

Elliott Kalan

[36:51] Metro,

[36:51] he never becomes

[36:52] like a kung fu master.

Dan McCoy

[36:53] Yeah,

[36:54] he's just a fucking barbarian.

[36:55] And there's,

[36:57] as...

[36:57] At the gates.

[36:58] As said before,

[36:59] there's a bunch of

[36:59] topless slave girls

[37:00] and,

[37:01] you know,

[37:03] there's sand monsters

[37:04] and tentacle creatures.

[37:06] You know,

[37:06] like,

[37:06] there's stuff to enjoy.

[37:08] I mean,

[37:08] and I have no particular

[37:10] knowledge of Conan.

[37:10] And a weird mask

[37:11] that has a little,

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] like a little anus

[37:13] that sucks up blood.

[37:15] Yeah.

[37:15] You know what?

[37:16] I'm gonna be,

[37:16] go with you,

[37:17] Dan,

[37:17] and say this is hovering

[37:17] between bad,

[37:18] bad,

[37:18] and kind of liked.

Stuart Wellington

[37:20] And to answer your question,

[37:21] Dan,

[37:21] it does make me feel better.

[37:22] All right.

[37:23] Thanks.

[37:23] So what are you saying,

[37:24] Stuart?

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] I'm saying what you guys are saying.

[37:26] Oh, okay.

[37:26] Because I don't want to...

[37:28] It's definitely better...

[37:28] I'm part of the team.

[37:29] This was definitely more enjoyable

[37:30] than most of the movies

[37:31] we've seen lately.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:33] And,

[37:33] but it wasn't particularly good,

[37:35] but, like,

[37:35] there were points in it

[37:36] where we were like,

[37:37] whoa,

[37:37] that was fun.

[37:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:39] Or,

[37:40] yay,

[37:40] a tentacle monster.

[37:41] I hope it does stuff.

[37:42] Oh,

[37:43] it kind of doesn't.

[37:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:44] It has a lot of potential

[37:45] that it doesn't live up to.

[37:46] Yeah.

[37:47] But it does have that potential.

[37:49] I like the giant cave

[37:50] that looked like a skull.

[37:51] Yeah,

[37:51] we saw that for like three seconds.

[37:54] All right,

[37:54] so before we move on to letters...

[37:56] And the war elephants

[37:56] that carry a land ship.

[37:59] Yeah.

[37:59] Sure.

[37:59] You see them in the background

[38:00] for like a second.

[38:01] Yeah,

[38:02] part of the army

[38:02] that nobody's heard of.

[38:04] that disappears

[38:05] and never has to be fed.

[38:06] Maybe it's a magic army.

[38:08] Yeah.

[38:10] Maybe it's all the same guy.

[38:11] It's magic.

[38:11] All the one guy,

[38:12] like Army Hammer.

[38:14] All right.

[38:14] In that Facebook movie.

[38:15] Oh, okay.

[38:17] All right,

[38:17] enough of that.

[38:19] You're right.

[38:20] Why would we bother

[38:20] with ridiculous tangents

[38:22] on the flop house?

Dan McCoy

[38:24] So,

[38:25] before we move into letters,

[38:26] just a brief note.

[38:28] Some thank you

[38:29] to...

[38:30] Some thank you.

[38:32] What?

[38:33] Just a serving of thank you

[38:35] to...

[38:36] Serve six.

[38:38] To Andrew C

[38:39] for his donation to the show.

[38:41] Thank you.

[38:41] Thanks.

[38:42] The C stands for champion.

[38:44] Yeah,

[38:45] or charity.

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] Was that the only donation

[38:47] to thank for?

Dan McCoy

[38:48] Yes,

[38:48] that was the only one.

[38:49] All right.

[38:50] You don't...

[38:51] Don't complain about it.

[38:52] I, you know...

[38:53] If people want to give,

[38:54] they can.

[38:55] I'll play the bad cop.

[38:56] All right.

[38:57] In my new hit play,

[38:59] Bad Cop.

[39:00] If,

[39:00] but guys,

[39:02] we got a lot of letters.

[39:03] Oh, okay.

[39:04] So, man.

[39:04] Read them out.

[39:05] Read them out, mailbag man.

Elliott Kalan

[39:06] This first one's from Jordan.

[39:07] Letter time.

[39:09] Flop house letter time.

[39:11] Get the letters.

[39:12] Get them out.

[39:12] You just should start next time.

[39:14] Read them all.

[39:14] Stamp them up and send them.

[39:16] Every day at work,

[39:17] Elliot sings songs about lunch.

[39:19] Letters, letters, letters, letters.

[39:21] Okay, like what he's going to eat

[39:22] or just when we're getting lunch.

[39:24] He sings.

[39:25] Well, when it's time for lunch,

[39:26] I sing like lunch time.

[39:28] Time to eat lunch.

[39:29] And then when we get down

[39:30] to the lunch room,

[39:31] I talk out loud

[39:32] in my interior monologue

[39:33] about what I'm going to eat

[39:34] and what I'm not going to eat.

[39:35] Like, oh, lasagna,

[39:35] I'll take some of this.

[39:36] Do, do, do, do.

[39:37] Potatoes, no thanks.

[39:38] Not today.

[39:39] Da, da, da, da, da.

[39:40] Just a little taste

[39:41] of what it's like

[39:42] to work with Elliot Kalin.

[39:43] Personal life tidbit.

[39:45] You'll realize

[39:45] there are people

[39:46] who have worked with me

[39:46] for nine years

[39:47] and have had dealt with this

[39:48] the entire time.

[39:50] Doesn't make it better.

Dan McCoy

[39:52] Jordan Last Name Without L.

[39:53] Letters!

[39:54] Says, uh,

[39:56] this is an email titled

[39:57] Language,

[39:58] and it says,

[39:59] I found your show

[40:00] not through the Onion AV Club

[40:02] because I'd never heard

[40:02] of it before,

[40:03] but rather through

[40:04] the Something Awful Forums

[40:06] Comedy Podcast Megathread.

[40:08] I've listened to every episode

[40:09] Megathread.

[40:10] Enjoying it immensely

[40:11] and look forward anxiously

[40:14] to each new show.

[40:15] Thank you.

[40:16] Though I must say

[40:17] one thing has bothered me.

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] Well, before we get to that,

[40:20] we appreciate your listening.

Dan McCoy

[40:22] All right.

[40:22] Well, you may not

[40:23] in a second.

[40:24] Uh-oh.

[40:25] Elliot.

[40:26] Oh, boy.

[40:27] As a professional writer

[40:28] and general pedant,

[40:30] you have heard people use

[40:31] and used yourself

[40:32] the phrase

[40:33] chomping at the bit.

[40:35] This is incorrect.

[40:36] What should it be?

[40:37] The correct phrase

[40:38] is to champ at the bit,

[40:40] not chomp.

[40:42] Like Arthur Champion,

[40:43] our donor for today?

[40:44] Yeah.

[40:44] Though never fear,

[40:45] your forthcoming apology

[40:46] will be accepted

[40:47] and all will be forgiven.

Elliott Kalan

[40:48] There's so many letters.

[40:49] Love the show.

[40:50] So many letters that come in

[40:51] that I assume

[40:51] I'm going to apologize

[40:52] for something.

[40:53] Well, I do not apologize.

[40:55] I believe in the theory

[40:56] of popular use.

[40:58] All right.

[40:59] I would,

[40:59] why one,

[41:00] is it champing at the bit?

[41:00] It is champing at the bit.

[41:01] It is champing at the bit.

[41:02] What does that mean?

Dan McCoy

[41:03] It means the same thing

[41:03] as chomping at the bit.

Elliott Kalan

[41:04] Except nobody uses

Stuart Wellington

[41:05] the word champ

[41:06] to mean chomp.

[41:08] That's true.

[41:09] Yeah, you don't tell kids

[41:10] to chomp down

[41:11] their animal crackers

[41:11] or whatever the fuck they eat.

[41:14] You'll be a great father.

[41:17] What do you fucking kids eat?

[41:19] Animal crackers

[41:20] or some bullshit?

[41:20] Here, just shove it down.

[41:21] This is your dinner.

[41:22] Champ it down.

[41:23] I'm using my gifts

[41:25] of precognition

[41:26] to guess that the next...

[41:28] You're a cog?

[41:28] Yes.

[41:29] The next couple of letters

[41:30] are going to call out

[41:31] Elliot for more stuff,

[41:33] Stuart for more stuff,

[41:34] and then praise Dan's

[41:35] other non-flop house

[41:36] related efforts again.

[41:39] Possibly is just

[41:39] general handsomeness.

[41:41] I don't think so.

[41:42] Oh, well,

Elliott Kalan

[41:43] you got skills too,

[41:44] I guess.

[41:45] Wait, the author

[41:46] of the next letter

[41:47] will have their last name

[41:48] withheld.

[41:49] Good one.

[41:50] Okay, everybody's

[41:50] getting in on it.

Dan McCoy

[41:52] The weirding way.

[41:53] This is from Sylvia,

[41:54] last name withheld,

[41:55] and she says,

[41:58] list of complaints.

[42:00] Whoa.

[42:00] Great.

Elliott Kalan

[42:01] Whoa, you opened up

[42:01] right with that?

[42:03] Was there anything

[42:03] that was like,

[42:04] dear floppers,

[42:04] here's my list of complaints?

Dan McCoy

[42:05] No, no, no.

[42:06] Well, that's the title

[42:06] of the email.

[42:07] Oh, okay.

[42:09] Okay, good.

[42:10] Sylvia says,

[42:11] I thought that was like,

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] it was just,

[42:13] list of complaints.

[42:14] One, no greeting,

[42:16] no salutation,

[42:17] no introduction,

Dan McCoy

[42:19] no hesitation.

[42:21] She says,

[42:21] I'm an OF,

[42:22] original flopper.

[42:24] Nice.

[42:24] I've listened to

[42:25] every podcast,

[42:26] every week,

[42:27] since the very beginning.

[42:28] We're sorry.

[42:29] And let me tell you,

[42:30] your success stinks.

[42:32] Number one,

[42:33] what's with these new fans,

[42:34] fresh off the AV club

[42:35] turnip truck?

[42:36] Uh-oh.

[42:37] And do you really have to read

[42:38] every overly clever letter

[42:40] they write you?

[42:41] We'd like to.

[42:42] Number two,

[42:43] how come Dan finally got a job

[42:45] that rewards his talents?

[42:47] The decrease in melancholy

[42:48] sighing is unacceptable.

[42:50] Oh, don't worry.

[42:50] He won't have it long.

[42:51] Number three,

[42:53] Stuart was clearly

[42:54] the sex symbol,

[42:55] and now he's married.

[42:56] It's like you guys

[42:57] don't even care

[42:58] about your female fans.

[43:00] And number four,

[43:01] we call them females.

[43:04] Number four,

[43:05] no offense to the guest hosts

[43:06] who are all great,

[43:08] but I want to hear you guys

[43:09] stop going out of town.

[43:10] Please change nothing

[43:11] ever again.

[43:13] The house cat can stay.

[43:15] Sincerely, yes.

[43:15] Oh, you mean

[43:16] our most popular member

[43:17] can stay?

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] Well, Sylvia,

[43:19] we appreciate your listening

[43:21] from the beginning.

[43:22] I worry you have a case

[43:23] of what I call

[43:23] REM-itis,

[43:25] where you love the band

[43:26] until they are popular,

[43:28] and then you begin

[43:28] to despise the band.

Dan McCoy

[43:31] And I would dispute

[43:33] your characterization

[43:34] of us as popular.

[43:37] So that's...

[43:38] And we're not fucking

[43:39] Justin Bieber.

Stuart Wellington

[43:40] Yeah, how do you judge

[43:40] popularity?

[43:42] Is it on the Bieber scale?

[43:43] It is on the Bieber scale,

[43:44] which case we rate

Elliott Kalan

[43:45] negative 1,001.

[43:47] We rate negative

[43:48] Bieber fever.

[43:50] We actually cure

[43:51] Bieber fever.

[43:52] And a lot of the time

[43:52] when we're out of town

[43:53] and can't do the podcast

[43:54] is because we're being

[43:55] flown to places

[43:56] with outbreaks

[43:57] of Bieber fever

[43:57] so that we can lay

[43:58] our hands on people.

[43:59] And we also

[44:00] cure things

[44:01] in addition to

[44:01] laying our hands

[44:02] on people.

[44:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:05] Laying the hands

[44:06] on, that's just

[44:06] fondling.

[44:07] That's how we get

Elliott Kalan

[44:07] paid for the cure.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] That's just for funsies.

Stuart Wellington

[44:12] For funsies.

[44:13] Yeah.

[44:15] Yeah.

[44:16] That's just for funsies.

[44:18] So, yeah,

[44:19] I guess we'll stop

[44:19] going out of town.

[44:20] We won't change.

[44:22] I will stay miserable.

[44:23] We should go back

[44:23] to the original setup

[44:24] so Elliot can go away.

[44:26] Oh, no.

[44:27] The flying original

[44:28] original podcast member

[44:30] Simon Fisher,

[44:31] a.k.a.

[44:31] Stuart's nemesis.

[44:33] He who shall not be

Elliott Kalan

[44:34] named except just now.

[44:38] Is it true that you

[44:39] defeated Simon

[44:40] in a mirror battle?

[44:42] It was a glass battle.

Stuart Wellington

[44:44] Glass battle.

[44:45] With mirror Simon.

[44:46] Did I defeat him?

[44:48] I think I was the one

[44:49] who was defeated

[44:49] in the end.

[44:50] Wow.

[44:51] Yeah.

[44:52] So you have a revenge

[44:53] story of your own.

[44:53] Yeah, I gotta go kill him.

[44:54] It's ongoing.

[44:55] And take my dad's sword.

[44:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:59] This one is titled

[45:00] Werewolf Satanic Scandal.

[45:03] I like it already.

[45:04] Okay.

[45:04] It has a link

[45:05] to a salon article

[45:06] written by our

[45:09] friend of the show,

[45:11] Rich Duncan.

[45:12] Oh, okay.

[45:13] Of the Duncan Hines fortune.

[45:14] About how his book

[45:16] was found at the scene

[45:17] of a satanic

[45:19] stabbing threesome.

[45:20] Really?

[45:21] And this was a big story

[45:23] back at the end of November.

[45:24] We're a little behind

[45:24] in some of these letters.

[45:25] A big story?

[45:26] I've never heard of it.

[45:27] And my job is to make

[45:29] fun of the news.

[45:29] It was big enough

[45:30] on the internet.

[45:31] It was broken by Gawker

[45:32] and then went around

[45:33] the...

[45:35] Like the president

[45:36] didn't comment on it.

[45:37] Yeah.

[45:38] But there's a link

[45:39] to a salon story

[45:40] that Rich wrote

[45:41] and beneath that,

[45:43] Kristen,

[45:44] last name withheld,

[45:45] writes,

[45:46] Weren't these guys

[45:47] on your Skinwalkers

[45:48] episodes?

[45:49] Are you three part

[45:50] of some satanic

[45:51] werewolf stabbing cult?

[45:52] Yes.

[45:53] Have you been slowly

[45:54] and insidiously

[45:55] indoctrinating your listeners

[45:56] with your mournful sighs

[45:57] and penis jokes

[45:58] and words that sound

[45:59] like each other?

[46:00] And if so,

[46:01] what else are you hiding?

[46:04] So, uh...

[46:05] What are we hiding?

[46:06] But she says if...

[46:07] Well, you have webbeds.

[46:08] We're going to watch those.

[46:08] Yeah.

[46:09] She does say

[46:09] if one bad movie fan

[46:10] stabs another

[46:11] during an argument

[46:12] over the merits

[46:12] of big money wrestlers

[46:13] versus the brats

[46:14] and the flop house

[46:15] is pilloried in the press,

[46:16] I will totally stand up

[46:17] for you.

[46:18] Thank you.

[46:18] All the best.

[46:19] Yeah, because clearly

Stuart Wellington

[46:20] brats is better

[46:22] than big money wrestlers.

Elliott Kalan

[46:23] Yeah.

[46:23] Anyone who argues

[46:24] the opposite is crazy.

[46:25] Probably deserves

[46:26] to be stabbed.

[46:27] Wow.

[46:29] Hold on.

[46:30] Let's legally not say that.

[46:31] Oh, yeah.

[46:32] But we do mean it.

Dan McCoy

[46:32] This is true.

[46:33] Rich Duncan

[46:34] and Bob Powers' book

[46:35] The Werewolf's Guide

[46:36] to Life

[46:37] was found

[46:37] at the scene

[46:38] of a threesome stabbing.

[46:42] Now, what is a threesome stabbing?

[46:43] Well, these two young ladies.

[46:44] Is it like a daisy chain

[46:45] of stabbing?

[46:46] These two young ladies.

[46:47] Some sort of stab around?

[46:48] Who have some sort of

[46:49] Stab-le-jerk?

[46:51] Disturbed

[46:52] sort of gothic fixation

[46:54] on your whatnots.

[46:57] Yeah.

[46:58] Your Muppet whatnots.

[46:59] Lured in a gentleman

[47:01] over the internet

[47:02] to come for some threesome sex.

[47:05] That was probably difficult.

[47:06] And there was some

[47:08] consensual cutting

[47:09] and stabbing involved

[47:10] and then it became

[47:11] less consensual.

[47:12] That's a horrifying story.

[47:14] Yeah.

[47:14] And at the scene

[47:15] they made a big deal

[47:16] about the fact that

[47:17] The Werewolf's Guide to Life

[47:18] was a book

[47:20] found at the scene

[47:21] without specifying

[47:22] that it was a humor book.

[47:23] A parody humor book

[47:24] and not a guide

[47:25] to stabbing men.

[47:26] Yeah, not actually

[47:27] about people

[47:27] who think they're werewolves

[47:28] and what they should do.

[47:29] Yeah, did they comment

Stuart Wellington

[47:30] like was there a copy

[47:31] of that Calvin and Hobbes

[47:32] like homicidal

[47:33] jungle cat book as well?

Dan McCoy

[47:36] I do know that Rich

Stuart Wellington

[47:38] We found a copy

[47:39] of Superfudge

Dan McCoy

[47:39] at the scene of the crime.

[47:41] Rich's main complaint

[47:42] about this

[47:42] other than being

[47:43] obviously distressed

[47:44] that his book

[47:45] was found

[47:46] in the home

[47:47] of these disturbed

[47:47] ladies

[47:48] is that the free publicity

[47:50] did not add up

[47:51] to any more book sales.

[47:53] That's too bad.

[47:53] Or stabbings.

[47:55] What?

[47:55] I don't think he wanted

[47:56] more stabbings.

[47:56] For the audience

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] just so you can know

[47:58] we're not into

[47:58] any satanic stuff

[47:59] we're satanish stuff.

Dan McCoy

[48:01] We are into threesomes

[48:03] however.

[48:04] But just among

Elliott Kalan

[48:04] the three of us.

[48:05] Yeah.

[48:05] There's a story about it.

[48:07] We read it

[48:09] burned the story

[48:10] and scrubbed out

[48:11] our eyeballs

[48:12] and ear holes.

[48:13] Sworn ever to talk

[48:13] about it again Elliot.

[48:14] We put burning Q-tips

[48:16] on our ears

[48:16] hoping to burn

[48:17] that knowledge

[48:17] out of our brain.

[48:18] Didn't work.

[48:19] If only burned it

[48:20] further into my brain.

[48:21] But we all worship

[48:22] our different gods.

[48:24] As we mentioned

[48:24] Stuart is cromish.

[48:26] Yeah.

[48:26] And I of course

[48:27] seek the dark

[48:29] even shadow

[48:30] of the old

[48:30] strange ones.

[48:32] Sure.

[48:33] And Dan

[48:34] I think you are

[48:36] what?

[48:36] Scientologist?

[48:37] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[48:38] Someday I'm going

[48:39] to clear both of you

[48:40] all your thetans.

[48:41] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] And someday

[48:43] you're going to be

[48:43] a super successful

[48:44] Hollywood smash.

Dan McCoy

[48:45] Yeah.

[48:46] So good luck with that.

[48:48] They are

[48:49] I mean they've been

[48:50] very successful

[48:50] at hiding my homosexuality

[48:52] so far so.

[48:53] That was goal one.

[48:54] Yeah.

[48:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:55] I probably shouldn't

[48:56] have said that

[48:56] on this podcast.

[48:57] Oh nobody listens to this.

[48:58] The whole pervizoid

[48:59] thing is just an act.

[49:01] It is a very good act.

[49:02] Yeah.

[49:02] Because believe me

[49:03] you are the number

[49:04] one pervizoid.

Dan McCoy

[49:05] Thanks guys.

[49:07] That's really sweet

[49:07] of you to say.

[49:09] So even a hint

Stuart Wellington

[49:10] of boob

[49:11] gets him drooling.

Elliott Kalan

[49:14] The last.

[49:15] A hint of boob

[49:15] gets him

[49:16] chomping at the bit.

[49:18] It's a

[49:19] it's a butternut squash

[49:20] soup with just

[49:21] a hint of boob.

[49:24] Enjoy.

[49:25] This is on the house

[49:26] from our chef.

Dan McCoy

[49:27] I do.

[49:27] I like the idea

[49:28] that there's a little

[49:29] boob in my butternut soup.

[49:30] They just dipped it in.

[49:31] Okay that's fine.

[49:32] I don't want to feel

[49:33] like I'm a cannibal.

Elliott Kalan

[49:34] No no.

[49:34] Alright.

[49:35] But if you were

[49:35] you would be a fine

[49:36] young cannibal.

[49:37] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[49:40] This last one

[49:41] is from Stephen

[49:42] Last Name of the House.

[49:42] More of a danimal

[49:43] to be honest.

[49:44] Danimal.

[49:45] A manimal danimal.

[49:47] Hannibal.

[49:48] And it's called

[49:49] Full Century Assault.

[49:52] And it says

[49:52] Dear Flophouse

[49:53] I'm a big fan

[49:54] of your program.

[49:55] Thanks.

[49:55] But something

[49:56] about your chosen medium

[49:57] leaves me feeling

[49:58] shortchanged.

[49:59] Hmm.

[50:00] Audio only podcasts

[50:01] are great for staying

[50:02] on top of current events

[50:03] or learning about

[50:03] the many household

[50:04] uses of apple cider vinegar.

[50:06] Okay.

[50:08] Is that a specific podcast?

[50:10] It's a deep reference

[50:11] that podcast fans

[50:13] still like it.

[50:13] Cidercast rules.

[50:14] Cidercast rules.

[50:16] But for something

[50:16] like the Flophouse

[50:17] I feel like I need more.

[50:19] After all

[50:20] when L. Ron Hubbard

[50:21] my uh

[50:22] You know

[50:22] Your chosen messiah.

[50:24] When L. Ron Hubbard

[50:25] published

[50:25] Battlefield Earth

[50:26] he had the good sense

[50:27] to release

[50:28] the Space Jazz

[50:29] audio accompaniment

[50:30] we've all come to appreciate

[50:31] as an integral part

[50:32] of reading that novel.

Elliott Kalan

[50:34] Wait.

[50:34] Do you want a book

[50:35] that goes along

[50:36] with the Flophouse?

[50:37] Well no.

[50:37] It's coming up.

[50:38] Okay.

[50:38] We have a story

[50:38] we could send you.

[50:40] So I was wondering

[50:41] if the three of you

[50:41] It involves the three of us.

Dan McCoy

[50:44] I was wondering

[50:44] if the three of you

[50:45] have signature scents

[50:47] I might queue up

[50:48] during episodes

[50:48] of the Flophouse.

[50:49] Interesting.

[50:50] Similar to the

[50:51] short-lived Febreze

[50:52] Cinch Stories product.

[50:54] Perhaps

[50:54] This guy really knows

[50:55] his shitty tie-ins

[50:56] to stories.

[50:57] I am impressed sir.

[50:59] Very impressed.

[51:01] Perhaps when Stuart

[51:02] talks about boobs

[51:03] partying hard or beer

[51:04] I could light a candle

[51:05] purchased at

[51:06] Pier 1 Imports.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] Oh yeah.

[51:08] We talked about that.

[51:08] I think they provide

[51:09] a lot of the sets

[51:10] for Conan the Barberian.

[51:11] Yeah.

[51:11] A lot of wicker cages.

Dan McCoy

[51:14] During Elliot's synopses

[51:15] I could spray

[51:16] some Lancome Magnifique

[51:18] around the room.

[51:20] A perfume endorsed

[51:21] by his long-time friend

[51:22] Anne Hathaway.

Elliott Kalan

[51:23] Or you could just spray

[51:24] some Wolverine cologne

[51:25] which Stuart got me once.

Stuart Wellington

[51:27] I mean as long as

[51:28] it smells like

[51:29] Popeye's chicken

[51:29] you're probably

[51:30] right out of money.

[51:31] Yeah that's true.

[51:32] He says any guidance

[51:33] would be greatly appreciated.

[51:34] And what smell

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] would it be for Dan?

[51:35] He omitted it strangely.

[51:37] Oh he has no smell.

[51:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[51:40] He's like a non-

[51:42] How does he smell?

[51:42] Non-creature.

[51:43] Terrible.

[51:44] Wait what?

[51:45] I didn't say he has no nose.

[51:48] That's like that character

[51:49] from that movie

[51:49] we saw that one time.

[51:50] Yeah.

[51:51] Conan.

[51:52] Wait what?

[51:53] Conan the Barbarian.

Elliott Kalan

[51:54] That character with no nose

[51:55] in the Conan movie.

[51:56] Yeah.

[51:57] So I think Dan's scent

[51:58] would be tears.

[52:00] Tears?

Stuart Wellington

[52:01] Mm-hmm.

[52:02] What does that smell like?

[52:03] Salt and

[52:04] Salt and disappointment.

Dan McCoy

[52:05] It smells like the sea air

[52:06] Stuart.

[52:07] Okay.

[52:08] Because

[52:08] On a gray overcast day.

[52:12] Or maybe it would be like farts.

[52:14] Wait what?

[52:15] Why?

Stuart Wellington

[52:16] Does he fart a lot or

[52:17] is it

[52:18] I'm just trying to liven him up.

[52:19] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[52:21] He doesn't even have

[52:21] a smell.

[52:22] Give me some zazz.

Stuart Wellington

[52:22] Zazz him.

[52:23] Yeah.

[52:24] Something this movie

[52:25] kind of needed.

[52:26] So we did the final judgments.

[52:29] We talked about scent.

[52:31] We have the letters.

[52:32] Check.

[52:33] Check.

[52:34] What's next Daniel?

[52:35] I think the last thing

Dan McCoy

[52:36] and the only thing left

[52:37] is to recommend some movies.

[52:39] Movies that we actually liked.

[52:42] We haven't done a recommendation

[52:42] in a while right?

[52:44] It's been a little bit

[52:45] because we've had a few things

[52:47] that have gone long

[52:48] so we've cut out

[52:49] the least popular segment

[52:50] of our podcast.

Dan McCoy

[52:50] Oh and we've got to

[52:51] promote our upcoming thingy.

[52:53] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[52:53] Even more important.

[52:54] We've got to promote

[52:55] our upcoming January 20th screening.

[52:57] At 92Y Tribeca

[52:59] in the fashionable

[53:00] Tribeca district

[53:01] of New York.

[53:03] At New York's home

[53:04] for crazy and independent

[53:06] and crazy old movies

[53:08] we'll be screening

[53:10] 12 Rounds

[53:11] starring John Cena.

[53:12] And Aidan Gillen.

[53:14] In coordination with

[53:15] the I Love Bad Movies zine.

[53:17] So it'll make the podcast

Stuart Wellington

[53:19] we recorded about the movie

[53:20] 12 Rounds make more sense

[53:22] if you go and see it.

[53:23] And we'll be providing

Elliott Kalan

[53:24] running commentary

[53:25] throughout the film.

[53:26] Yeah it'll be on

Dan McCoy

[53:27] January 12th.

[53:28] 20th.

[53:29] Sorry 20th.

Elliott Kalan

[53:30] At 8.

[53:31] Nice one Dan.

[53:32] Friday January 20th.

[53:34] Friday January 20th.

[53:36] At 8 o'clock p.m.

[53:37] Eastern Standard Time.

[53:38] New York City.

[53:39] New York City never sleeps.

Dan McCoy

[53:41] And there was some discussion

[53:42] originally of recording it

[53:43] but we figured out

[53:45] that that would not be possible.

[53:46] Legally and technically.

[53:47] the only way you can enjoy this

[53:50] is by coming to the actual event.

Elliott Kalan

[53:53] You gotta be there.

Dan McCoy

[53:54] Also.

[53:55] 92 I Tribeca.

Stuart Wellington

[53:56] If you are planning a letter

[53:57] filled with complaints

[53:59] instead of writing that letter

[54:00] save them in your head

[54:01] and then show up to the event

[54:03] and tell it to us

[54:04] right before we go on.

[54:05] Yeah.

[54:06] So we get really nervous

[54:07] and really terrible.

[54:07] Throw a whammy at us.

Elliott Kalan

[54:08] Yeah.

[54:09] So we yeah

[54:09] just put us off our game.

[54:11] But just ask anyone

[54:12] who was at our

[54:13] Twin Sitters screening.

[54:14] It was a total blast

[54:15] and a total hoot.

[54:17] This is gonna be fun.

[54:18] Just as much fun

[54:19] if not more so.

[54:21] And it's gonna be great.

[54:23] So I'd recommend you all come.

[54:25] Tickets are available now

[54:26] on the 92 I Tribeca website.

[54:28] Buy them up suckers.

[54:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:30] Don't make my mom

[54:32] buy all the tickets again.

[54:34] Shh.

[54:34] We weren't gonna talk about that.

[54:35] Oh whoops.

[54:37] So Stuart quickly.

[54:38] Okay.

[54:39] 12 rounds.

[54:40] I've seen a bunch of movies lately.

[54:41] I don't know if you

[54:42] recommended this already

[54:43] but I saw James Gunn's Super.

[54:46] I enjoyed that movie.

[54:47] With Rainn Wilson and

[54:49] Alan Page.

[54:50] Alan Page.

[54:51] Yeah I thought it was pretty good.

[54:54] I'd heard kind of mixed reviews

[54:55] but I thought it was fun.

[54:57] A good I guess

[54:58] another original take

[55:00] on the idea of an average guy

[55:02] being a superhero.

[55:04] And yeah it's funny.

[55:06] Kind of darkly so.

[55:07] Dan.

Dan McCoy

[55:08] Dan.

[55:09] My wife for Christmas

[55:10] gave me a book

[55:11] called Hail Hail Euphoria

[55:14] by Roy Blunt Jr.

[55:15] So there's a book podcast.

[55:16] And it's about

[55:17] the making of the film

[55:18] Stuart.

[55:19] Oh okay.

[55:20] Duck Soup.

[55:21] The Marx Brothers film.

[55:22] Not

[55:22] my favorite Marx Brothers film

[55:24] but certainly

[55:25] one of the finest

[55:27] Marx Brothers films.

[55:28] One of the two finest.

[55:29] And short to boot.

[55:31] And short to boot.

[55:32] A trim

[55:32] 70 minutes long.

[55:35] Are you recommending

[55:35] the movie or the book?

[55:37] I'm recommending

[55:37] well I'm recommending both

[55:39] but you should watch

[55:39] if you've never seen

[55:40] the Marx Brothers movie.

[55:42] Duck Soup certainly.

[55:44] see it.

[55:45] For my money

[55:46] there are

[55:47] maybe

[55:49] there's maybe

[55:49] nothing

[55:50] funnier than

[55:51] the Marx Brothers

[55:52] at their best.

Stuart Wellington

[55:52] Except for his money

[55:53] there's a lot of his money now.

[55:54] Oh there's a lot more money now

Dan McCoy

[55:55] than there was.

[55:57] But I think

[55:58] that the Marx Brothers

[55:59] are perhaps

[56:00] the finest comedy team ever

[56:01] and this is one of their

[56:03] finest movies.

[56:05] So

[56:05] if you want to see

[56:07] the top of the top

[56:09] watch Duck Soup.

Elliott Kalan

[56:11] I will quickly recommend

[56:12] I don't think

[56:13] I recommended this one yet

[56:14] on the podcast

[56:15] because we haven't done

[56:16] recommendations in a while

[56:16] but just in case I have

[56:17] I apologize

[56:18] but I did enjoy it.

[56:19] A movie called

[56:20] The Great Northfield

[56:21] Minnesota Raid

[56:22] written and directed

[56:23] by Philip Kaufman

[56:24] for the early 70s

[56:25] starring Robert Duvall

[56:27] and

[56:27] what's his name

[56:29] Uncle Ben

[56:29] from the Spider-Man movies

[56:30] Cliff Robertson

[56:31] as Cole Younger

[56:33] and Jesse James

[56:33] it starts out

[56:35] as kind of like

[56:35] a rollicking 70s romp

[56:37] as these two

[56:38] legendary outlaws

[56:39] are going to go

[56:40] rob a bank

[56:40] and

[56:41] once they do

[56:42] start the robbery

[56:43] everything goes

[56:44] horribly wrong

[56:45] and there's a

[56:46] tone shift

[56:47] but it's not

[56:48] a crazy tone shift

[56:49] and the whole movie

[56:50] put together

[56:51] is really likable

[56:52] and really fun

[56:52] and gets really dark

[56:54] in the end

[56:54] but never so dark

[56:55] that it's not

[56:56] fun and enjoyable

[56:57] and it's this movie

[56:58] that I wish I had known

[56:59] about a long time ago

[57:00] because I would have

[57:01] watched it and enjoyed it.

[57:02] So guys

Dan McCoy

[57:03] we did it.

[57:04] That's our first podcast

[57:05] of 2012.

[57:06] We did it!

[57:07] Oh man

Stuart Wellington

[57:07] how many years is this?

[57:09] Like a million?

Dan McCoy

[57:09] A million years.

[57:10] A million years.

[57:12] And pretty soon

[57:12] we're all going to be dead

[57:13] because of the mines.

[57:15] The mines?

[57:16] The mines?

[57:16] Yeah are we going to go mining?

Elliott Kalan

[57:18] Yeah.

[57:18] Okay.

[57:18] Well let's make sure

[57:19] not to do that

[57:19] before January 20th

[57:21] when our 12 rounds

[57:22] screening is up.

[57:23] Yep.

[57:24] 13 rounds

Stuart Wellington

[57:25] as five head

[57:26] goes west

[57:27] would say.

[57:28] That's another callback.

[57:29] He did it god damn it.

[57:31] So funny.

Elliott Kalan

[57:32] Oh you're a master.

[57:33] You're a master of disaster.

[57:35] So for the Flap House

Stuart Wellington

[57:38] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[57:39] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[57:40] And I will be Elliot Kalin

[57:41] January 20th

[57:42] at 92nd Tribeca

[57:43] 12 rounds.

[57:44] It's going to be good.

[57:45] Good night everyone.

[57:46] Good night.

[57:47] See you there.

Stuart Wellington

[57:54] That was some nice

[57:56] fan mail from people.

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] It was.

[57:59] I'll write back to that.

[58:00] And by the way

[58:01] that trailer was amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[58:02] Yeah.

[58:03] For Glenn the Flying Robot.

Elliott Kalan

[58:04] Glenn the Flying Robot.

[58:07] As one of our co-workers

[58:09] said when he walked in

[58:10] while we were watching it

[58:11] it's like real steel

[58:11] but with piano playing.

[58:14] Okay everyone.

[58:15] Test test test test.

[58:16] Check.

[58:17] Chiggity check.

[58:17] Sibilance.

[58:18] Sibilance.

[58:19] Make Dan angry.

[58:21] Angry Dan.

[58:22] Initializing Dan

[58:23] frustration mode.

[58:24] The Dan angry protocol.

[58:27] Execute program

[58:28] run dot exe

[58:29] Dan mad.

[58:30] All right.

The Flop House: Episode #94 - Conan the Barbarian

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