The Flop House: Episode #96 - Trespass

[0:00] We can keep this up as long as you can, Nicolas Cage. On this episode, we discuss Trespass.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:37] And I'm Jubin Parang.

[0:39] That's right. Stuart is visiting his family in Fort Wayne for a late Christmas, as I understand it.

[0:46] Well, since, as we established in the last episode, he worships Crom, Cromian Christmas is actually in late January.

[0:52] Oh, that's Cromian Reform Christmas.

[0:54] Yeah, Orthodox Crom Christmas is December 25th.

[0:57] But Zubin is one of our co-workers at The Daily Show.

[1:02] A writer at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

[1:04] What is that exactly?

[1:05] It is a topical comedy show that makes light of the foibles of modern-day politicians and the media that covers them.

[1:12] It's a great show.

[1:12] I'm sleeping already.

[1:14] It's funnier than it sounds.

[1:15] It's funnier than I made it sound.

[1:16] I would encourage you guys to check it out.

[1:18] It's a really good, you know, I mean, we have fun, you know.

[1:21] I think you mostly will enjoy how much fun we have.

[1:23] Okay, that sounds fair, I guess.

[1:27] comedy comes from jubin uh jubin started on the same day that i started yes although hired before

[1:33] me well we won't get into that but uh oh you know what is that uh is that oh really dan's always

[1:40] held that against you and in fact uh this inviting you onto the podcast was an elaborate prank to get

[1:46] airing of grievances but i convinced dan not to fill a bucket with pig's blood and dump it on

[1:51] your head no i want it i want it let's let's get it out let's clear the air publicly no i don't

[1:55] think we need that i would like to be i would like to be the first step of the podcast evolution

[2:00] towards more of a grievance of heirs airy grievances grievance of heirs and the grievance

[2:04] of heirs shakespeare's grievance now what's the let the healing begin by smothering jubin and

[2:10] pig's blood i was actually very glad that we uh that we started together that we we had because

[2:15] i we definitely definitely had someone who was you know it was also like the fire yeah and i was glad

[2:20] because it was two more people who were junior to me at the show.

[2:23] You already had three people junior to you.

[2:26] Yeah, but five is even better.

[2:27] That's true, yeah.

[2:28] It's always better to just keep rising.

[2:29] You're an old man.

[2:30] I became an old writing hand, and now I can haze you guys.

[2:34] Speaking of which, go do some push-ups in your own vomit.

[2:36] Oh, God, no.

[2:37] You have to because I've been at my job longer than you have.

[2:40] Every three hours.

[2:41] Every three hours.

[2:43] I call them up in the middle of the night and wake them up

[2:45] and make them do vomit push-ups.

[2:46] I mean, the thing is my stomach is empty by now is the thing.

[2:49] You've got to make sure to eat a big dinner.

[2:51] I'm just throwing up blood.

[2:52] You're going to take us out to dinner?

[2:54] No.

[2:55] Oh.

[2:55] I'll have to get away with this from the hazing.

[2:58] It's hazing.

[2:59] I was in a fraternity in college that technically was not allowed to haze and did not physically

[3:05] haze, but psychologically hazed very well, and would use a lot of deception, a lot of

[3:12] sudden surprises that turned out like...

[3:16] Sudden surprises.

[3:17] I wonder what that is.

[3:18] Back to the surprises they warned you about.

[3:20] Hey, I'm going to jump out of these bushes at you.

[3:22] No, but I'm just imagining you.

[3:24] In three, two, and I'm jumping out now.

[3:27] I'm surprised, but not suddenly surprised.

[3:29] I just imagine the hazing being like you open your door and you find a big bouquet of balloons.

[3:33] Yeah, like where did these come from?

[3:36] This is sudden.

[3:37] No, it was a kind of thing that looking back on it, which I assume is not the case of physical hazing,

[3:43] but looking back on it, you're like, that was pretty clever and smart putting me through that emotional turmoil.

[3:48] and I don't feel any problem doing it again the next class.

[3:50] But, you know, physical hazing, I wouldn't think that, you know, quite so much.

[3:53] Yeah, you'd feel it.

[3:55] Yeah, I'd feel it, yes.

[3:56] Nothing that leaves scars.

[3:57] Nothing that leaves scars.

[3:58] Like, just, like, maybe, like, a rubber hose or some oranges.

[4:00] Yeah, rubber pantyhose or...

[4:02] Rubber pantyhose.

[4:03] Eating oranges, gross.

[4:05] That was most of what the hazing was.

[4:07] He was eating, like, a lot of oranges.

[4:08] Just making sure he didn't get scurvy.

[4:10] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[4:10] Orange juice was a fraternity and not a pirate ship.

[4:13] I might have just joined an orange club.

[4:15] I might have just joined an orange...

[4:17] I might have just visited Florida.

[4:18] I thought that was four years of fraternity.

[4:21] This one's called a navel?

[4:23] Is this a navel orange?

[4:24] Oh, this is a blood orange.

[4:26] No, that means it was oppression and exploitation.

[4:30] Like that movie Blood Orange with Leonardo DiCaprio.

[4:34] These oranges were mined in Africa.

[4:37] They're called conflict oranges now.

[4:38] They don't want to...

[4:39] Yeah, that's way better.

[4:41] Yeah, yeah.

[4:42] They're euphemized.

[4:42] That's actually fine.

[4:43] I never thought about...

[4:44] Because the reason they call them blood diamonds

[4:45] is so people stop buying them.

[4:47] Look, business is really going down with the Blood Diamonds.

[4:50] Let's just call them Conflict Diamonds.

[4:51] Conflict Diamonds, they just argued over these diamonds.

[4:54] Speaking of arguing over diamonds, well, actually, we should get to that.

[4:58] That was a good segue to the movie, but first we should thank everyone who came out to our 12-round screening on Friday, January 20th.

[5:05] Not Jubin.

[5:05] Jubin wasn't there.

[5:06] I did not. I was busy.

[5:07] He doesn't care enough about the podcast.

[5:08] Did not care.

[5:09] But we had a sold-out crowd, a lot of great fans.

[5:11] It was a really fun night.

[5:13] I hope everyone who came had a good time.

[5:14] We had people from all over the country and otherwise.

[5:16] From out of the country.

[5:18] From out of the country.

[5:19] Toronto.

[5:20] Two guys took a bus down from Boston just for the screening

[5:23] and then took the bus back that night.

[5:26] There was a woman from Cincinnati.

[5:27] Not John from Cincinnati.

[5:30] A lady from Cincinnati.

[5:31] Well, John from Cincinnati is not a woman

[5:33] and is actually a TV show.

[5:34] That's what I said.

[5:34] You guys are pretty popular along mid-sized cities.

[5:38] Oh, yeah.

[5:39] Austin, Toronto.

[5:41] Toronto's pretty big.

[5:42] Cincinnati.

[5:43] Not so much in the major markets.

[5:45] Here in our hometown.

[5:46] But it reminded us, or reminded me at least,

[5:49] that people do listen to this stupid thing that we do,

[5:52] which was a great feeling, and we have a lot of great fans.

[5:55] We're just good people, and we're very friendly,

[5:57] and are the kind of fans that we want.

[5:59] The kind of listeners we want.

[6:00] There was a trivia question about the popcorn trick

[6:04] that was surprisingly detailed.

[6:05] The gentleman rattled off basically our whole shtick

[6:08] about the popcorn trick.

[6:09] I'm amazed at how well people know this podcast.

[6:12] To the extent of knowing, like, anecdotes that I've told on it, or like you said, like, knowing the popcorn trick problems, basically verbatim, or it was just very, it was impressive.

[6:24] Yeah.

[6:25] So thank you to the fans.

[6:27] Thank you.

[6:27] Everyone who came, we hope to do another one someday.

[6:30] Not for a long time, though.

[6:31] Thank you to the fans.

[6:32] No, it's you, but you.

[6:33] It's you, but they're not your fans.

[6:34] Oh, I just wanted, well.

[6:35] I mean, after this episode, yes, but before that, no.

[6:38] Free thank you to the fans.

[6:41] So, speaking of conflict over diamonds, what movie did we watch today, Dan?

[6:46] We watched a movie called Trespass.

[6:48] Now, before this movie came up as a possibility, I had never heard of it, despite the fact

[6:54] that it was directed by Joel Schumacher and stars Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman, two

[6:57] of the most famous Knicks in Hollywood.

[6:59] Did it come out in theaters, Dan?

[7:02] It did come out in theaters, briefly, but it holds the record for shortest window of

[7:07] time between theatrical release and uh dvd or or video yeah it beat the record held by from justin

[7:14] to kelly yeah which itself was just a cash in on american idol uh it was 18 days from theater to

[7:20] dvd it was in the theater for less than 10 days and according to wikipedia it had a budget of

[7:25] around 35 million dollars and it grossed around 25 000 in theaters in 10 days now that's roughly

[7:33] $2,500 a day

[7:35] for a movie

[7:37] and that's like

[7:38] so at any given time

[7:40] so during its release around 250 people

[7:43] saw it a day

[7:44] I did not know 18 days from theater to DVD

[7:47] I feel like

[7:49] I feel like the first dates in theaters

[7:50] you gotta start running off the DVDs

[7:52] they had to know right away

[7:54] we gotta get this thing out

[7:56] they knew this was gonna be a huge hit

[7:57] so they just made the DVDs ahead of time

[7:59] people are gonna be climbing up the walls

[8:03] trying to get into the studio to take these DVDs from us.

[8:04] It really punches up, too, how false that release window is.

[8:08] They don't need a lot of time to gear up to get those DVDs out there.

[8:11] Well, it's like the old thing when the state DVDs were not available,

[8:15] but they had been made, and MTV had done a DVD set

[8:18] for the TV show The State and just left them in a warehouse

[8:20] for years, over a year at least.

[8:23] And you would see online people from the state be like,

[8:26] yeah, please write a letter to MTV to tell them to release this thing

[8:29] that is made already, that will cost them no more money

[8:32] to do anything with.

[8:33] A hostage, if you will,

[8:34] which gets us back to...

[8:35] Speaking of hostages,

[8:36] this movie, Trespass.

[8:38] We've been speaking of Trespass

[8:39] without talking about Trespass

[8:40] several times already.

[8:41] Now, I at first thought

[8:43] this was a Spanish movie

[8:44] called Tres Paz.

[8:45] About three passages.

[8:47] I feel like, again,

[8:48] we're getting off track,

[8:48] but I went to a Spanish restaurant

[8:49] last week and I very much enjoyed it.

[8:51] I don't know what that has to do with

[8:53] anything that we're talking about.

[8:55] Save that for the podcast,

[8:57] our cooking podcast.

[8:59] A lot of people think it's about pot.

[9:01] It's actually about cooking things in pots.

[9:03] Yeah, the Hashcast is the podcast.

[9:05] And don't get it mixed up with our Potscast, which is our Annie Potts podcast.

[9:08] We just talk about Annie Potts.

[9:10] A lot about Hot to Trot.

[9:12] Hot to Trot, Ghostbusters, Ghostbusters 2, that show that she did on Lifetime where she was friends with a black lady.

[9:18] I feel like you guys need to just consolidate these podcasts a little bit.

[9:21] She was in Who's Harry Crumb.

[9:22] Everyone was in Who's Harry Crumb.

[9:24] It was a verbal who's who of Who's Harry Crumb.

[9:28] These multiple podcasts wouldn't be such a big deal if you guys didn't have them bleed over into each podcast.

[9:32] There really is a lot of overlap.

[9:33] A lot of bleeding in.

[9:34] Very confusing names.

[9:35] There's the CastCast, our fishing podcast.

[9:37] The CastCast, which is our broken bones podcast.

[9:41] The CashCast, which is our cash cab podcast.

[9:45] Yeah, that's where we drive people around in our podcast and ask them quiz questions.

[9:49] Which is, not to be confused, the CrashCast, where you drive that same car up and crash it into various objects.

[9:55] Holes, walls, things like that.

[9:56] Yeah, and comment on the crash.

[9:58] So anyway, and there's also our CrashCast,

[10:00] which is our discussion of the movie Crash.

[10:02] Right.

[10:03] Every week.

[10:04] Which is by far the most popular one.

[10:06] You guys, that one gets a lot of views.

[10:08] Oh, yeah.

[10:08] Oscar nominated.

[10:09] The point I wanted to make was that it seems like

[10:11] more people may hear about the movie from this podcast

[10:14] than ever actually watched it.

[10:16] And we're doing a service to Joel Schumacher.

[10:18] Yes.

[10:18] It would normally make me feel bad,

[10:19] but it's Joel Schumacher and Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman.

[10:22] Like, there are big names in this movie.

[10:23] And it's the return, the triumphant return,

[10:26] of Cam Gagandit to the podcast.

[10:28] Our favorite name.

[10:29] Not our favorite actor.

[10:30] A name that we're not sure.

[10:32] It could be Gajanday,

[10:34] but we're going to keep saying Cam Gagandit.

[10:36] Cam Gagandit.

[10:37] It's more fun to say.

[10:38] It sounds like a kid robot.

[10:39] And the daughter in this movie,

[10:41] also a previous Flophouse star

[10:44] from My Soul to Take.

[10:46] I don't think it was the daughter, was it?

[10:48] Oh, not the daughter.

[10:48] The friend of the daughter.

[10:49] The friend of the daughter, Kendra.

[10:50] The friend of the daughter.

[10:51] Who we briefly see in a low-cut top,

[10:53] and then we don't see her much.

[10:54] And then we spend the rest of the movie

[10:55] wishing that we saw her again but what's the okay so we know the movie was a big bomb we know it

[11:00] stars nix floral and uh old old fan friend of the podcast nicholas cage what's the movie about you

[11:06] ask uh what's the movie about elliot i'm glad you asked nicholas cage is a diamond broker with a big

[11:14] fancy modernist house he's married to nicole kidman but it's a cold marriage there's no sex between

[11:19] them and we know this because he breaks a dinner date to go do business and we see her wistfully

[11:24] looking at underpants that she had wanted to wear and then she tries to kiss him and he like moves

[11:29] his face away he's like a cold fish i don't know why that happens and and they have a daughter who

[11:34] argues with their parents and sneaks out of the house to go to a party and now nicholas cage's

[11:39] performance starts out being kind of bland and by the end of the movie becomes ridiculous but uh

[11:44] we'll get to that the uh so nicholas cage and nicole kidman are at home suddenly uh a sheriff

[11:50] knocks on the door and says we need you to let us into the house there's been trouble in the

[11:53] neighborhood turns out it's not the sheriff it's a bunch of robbers disguised as security people

[11:58] and they have been following nicholas cage around for days watching him do things and they're

[12:03] convinced he has millions of dollars and diamonds all over the house you're you're aware from the

[12:09] start that these guys are robbers because the security cam in this incredibly elaborate and

[12:14] complex security system this house has only shows their chests where you see the badge it's a chest

[12:20] tie security camera it's a chest high security cam which seems like a major overlap or oversight

[12:25] in the movie until you learn and there's like and this is one of many twists in the movie

[12:28] that the security cam system itself was installed by the crooks by the crooks led by cam gajandit

[12:34] led by cam gajandit gams commanded gams demanded who uh he but uh it's there's so many twists and

[12:42] turns in this movie it's hard to it's hard to remember all of them but uh there is a chest high

[12:47] cleavage cam security camera um there's they go in nicholas cage won't let them open up his safe

[12:56] he says he doesn't have any diamonds uh and then it turns out let's just go through the twists in

[13:02] no particular order shall we yes so cam gajan well i mean the thing is like it's it's a pretty

[13:06] basic uh it's a very basic home invasion story until all of a sudden they throw like eight twists

[13:12] like one after the other the first 35 minutes of the movie are very straightforward then it gets a

[13:18] little like slow and then it's just twist after twist just like constant twistiness uh so cam

[13:25] gajanit put in the security cameras it appears he also slept with nicole kidman because she's lonely

[13:32] while he was there yeah which is also suggested by a lot of longing looks the two give to each

[13:39] other in flashbacks.

[13:40] That are superimposed on each other.

[13:42] Yeah.

[13:42] Dolce & Gabbana uses everything in his bag of tricks, in his directorial toolbox, to

[13:47] show us there's chemistry between these two, which he needs, because in real life there

[13:51] is no chemistry between these two.

[13:52] There's no chemistry between anybody, I don't think, in this entire movie.

[13:56] Nobody really seems to connect to anybody else.

[13:58] I think they're all shot on different days.

[14:00] I think they're all shot together with computers.

[14:02] A lot of single shots.

[14:03] It's like Lord of the Rings.

[14:04] Yeah.

[14:05] They decided to experiment.

[14:06] They wanted to shoot a movie the same way you record voices for a cartoon.

[14:09] Just different people separately.

[14:11] Different rooms.

[14:12] Okay, the daughter comes back, and there's a lot of running around and a lot of yelling

[14:16] and people going, shut the fuck up, get the fuck down, you know, like just firing guns

[14:22] in the air.

[14:22] Nicolas Cage gets shot like two or three times.

[14:24] That's one thing also, is that the very first second something goes wrong, all four of these

[14:29] crooks just fall apart.

[14:31] They just start yelling at each other.

[14:32] Yeah, they've all got numerous entanglements themselves and cannot keep it together.

[14:36] It's three guys and a girl and a pizza place.

[14:40] And it's hilarious.

[14:42] And the leader of the robbers and the girl have a relationship.

[14:46] The girl is a drug addict and immediately leaves the room when the robbery starts to go smoke crack, I guess.

[14:52] Yeah, like trying Nicole Kidman's clothes.

[14:54] And trying Nicole Kidman's clothes and watching Nicole Kidman's baby movies from when their daughter was growing up.

[14:59] Which just seems to be an excuse to see her in a thong a couple times.

[15:02] Which, again, not complaining.

[15:03] Dan is fine with that.

[15:04] But gratuitous.

[15:05] It definitely seems that she breaks down the beginning of the movie and spends the entire rest of the movie broken down.

[15:11] Like in tears.

[15:11] Like wandering around in a haze.

[15:13] Yeah, like not making any sense, like begging everybody.

[15:15] A real Lady Macbeth.

[15:16] Yeah.

[15:16] A real Lady and the Tramp Macbeth.

[15:19] I didn't see the Shakespearean parallels until just now, but now this makes all this movie much a lot more sense.

[15:22] Lady Macbeth and the Tramp.

[15:23] Either way, that works, right?

[15:24] Lady Macbeth and the Tramp.

[15:25] Sure.

[15:26] Why don't you make that hit YouTube video, Ellie?

[15:29] I think I will.

[15:30] And she tells the tramp to kill the Italian chefs so they can run the Italian restaurant and have all the spaghetti they want.

[15:36] So the web of relationships is that the girlfriend – the female robber is the girlfriend of the older brother robber.

[15:44] Oh, the robber who slept with Nicole Kidman and installed the security camera is brothers with the lead robber.

[15:51] Yes, the younger brother.

[15:52] Who does a lot of yelling about – it's called trust.

[15:55] We need to establish trust here between us and you people that we're robbing.

[15:59] Nicholas Cage tells them –

[16:00] And then there's also like a hulking guy who they all seem scared of.

[16:04] Yeah, that even the robbers are afraid of.

[16:05] It turns out Nicholas Cage says to them, we don't have any money.

[16:09] It's all debt.

[16:10] We thought we owned this house, but it owns us, which briefly makes you think maybe the house is haunted.

[16:15] But it's not.

[16:17] They just have a very – they're underwater on this house.

[16:19] It's very topical.

[16:20] And he says, we don't have any diamonds.

[16:23] We don't have any money.

[16:23] They say like, oh, no, what are we going to do?

[16:28] There's got to be something.

[16:29] And the lead robber says, we need this money to buy a kidney for our mom who's dying.

[16:33] So we need to take your daughter's kidney.

[16:35] And Nicolas Cage is like, no, no, take my kidney, take my kidney.

[16:38] And they're about to slash his back open.

[16:40] And the lead robber is like, we don't need any kidneys.

[16:42] We're here for money.

[16:44] So why did we bother with that?

[16:46] It's only the beginning of the movie.

[16:48] They're there to get supposedly the diamonds.

[16:49] And Nicolas Cage suggests a plan because he said the diamonds are laser micro-etched to be coded to whoever owns them.

[16:58] and he suggests to them that he be their middleman.

[17:02] So they essentially rob the diamonds from him

[17:04] and they give them back to him.

[17:06] And then he gives them the money.

[17:07] Yeah, this takes up a good 10 minutes.

[17:10] At least.

[17:10] Well, they establish the beginning that Nicholas...

[17:12] So it goes from diamonds to money to kidney

[17:14] and then back to money.

[17:15] Yeah, and then back to money.

[17:16] Nicholas Cage, they establish,

[17:17] is like a smooth-talking salesman.

[17:19] Like, he's a hustler.

[17:20] He gets by on his being able to argue people

[17:23] and convince them.

[17:23] And you think that's going to be his way out

[17:25] of this predicament,

[17:27] But it never really works that well, and usually he ends up shot or stabbed or just with his hand crushed or just beat up.

[17:35] I like the idea that this happens to him every day, like his smooth-talking ways that he tries, and then we get him shot or stabbed in the hand.

[17:44] He just lives home bloody every day.

[17:45] This house is not worth it.

[17:47] Even if we have an infinity pool, it is not worth it.

[17:50] I'll just go through the twists quickly, and then we talk about what order people get killed in.

[17:57] So he says we don't have any diamonds.

[17:59] Then they ask for a kidney.

[18:02] It turns out they don't want a kidney.

[18:03] Then it turns out that the relationship between Cam Gajandit – there's a lot of mind games that people are playing with each other.

[18:10] Then it turns out Cam Gajandit imagined the whole relationship with Nicole Kidman.

[18:13] Yeah, he's on anti-psychotic meds.

[18:15] And he is on anti-psychotic medicine.

[18:17] And then the older brother throws the medicine away for I don't know – I'm not sure what reason.

[18:23] Oh, those are Tic Tacs.

[18:25] Like he was not taking – he was pretending.

[18:26] Well, that's what the older brother says, but I'm not – oh, you're saying he was just pretending the entire time?

[18:30] He was pretending to take psychotic meds, but it was just Tic Tacs, and the older brother realized that when he tries them himself.

[18:36] I see.

[18:37] Maybe they were just the kind of meds that give you minty fresh breath.

[18:41] Yeah, yeah.

[18:42] There was another – oh, and then it turns out he needs the money because the lead brother is a drug dealer for the mob, and his girlfriend, the girl, is a stripper for the same mobster.

[18:55] And so he was doing so well as a drug dealer that they gave him this huge shipment of Coke, $180,000 worth.

[19:01] And while he was having sex in the front seat of his car with his girlfriend, robbers come up and steal the drugs from him.

[19:07] So he needs the money to pay back for the drugs he lost.

[19:10] And that's why they're so scared of the hulking guy because the hulking guy is from the drug cartel or whatever.

[19:14] Works for the mobster.

[19:16] But then it turns out that the mobster eventually reveals – the mobster gets injected with a chemical that puts him to sleep for a long time.

[19:22] But then when he finally wakes up, he reveals that he's attacking Cam Gajandit.

[19:28] The older brother shoots him in the back to save Cam Gajandit.

[19:31] And then as he's dying, it's like an opera where someone has a lot of time after their shot to talk.

[19:37] He explains that, no, you don't understand.

[19:39] Your brother set you up.

[19:40] The mob stole those drugs back from you that it gave to you so that you'd be under their thumb and do anything they said.

[19:46] And it was because your brother told us where you were going to be with the drugs.

[19:51] So we stole them back, and your brother betrayed you.

[19:53] And then he dies.

[19:55] And then there's a lot of running around and chasing.

[19:59] There's a lot of yelling.

[20:00] Nicolas Cage gets beat up a lot.

[20:02] Yeah, the lead brother is going to kill Nicole Kidman,

[20:05] but then Cam Gajandit kills the brother because he's in love with him.

[20:08] To save Nicole Kidman, Nicolas Cage shoots.

[20:10] And then Cam Gajandit finds out there really is a lot of money in the basement.

[20:14] There's hundreds of thousands of dollars.

[20:16] That's the final twist.

[20:17] That's the final twist.

[20:19] And then there's somehow gasoline got knocked over.

[20:22] And Nicolas Cage lights it on fire and then takes a nail gun and shoots the nails into Kangajandit's feet so he can't move.

[20:29] And he gets engulfed in flame.

[20:31] And the family escapes.

[20:33] Yeah, Nicole Kidman comes in and gets Nicolas Cage, who's been shot in the inside of the leg, which, by the way, is where your femoral artery is.

[20:41] And you would bleed out immediately, like within seconds.

[20:44] But he got shot in the inside leg.

[20:45] And then later he gets shot in the gut.

[20:47] And he manages to do all this to Cam Kajandit.

[20:50] And the kill kid takes him out.

[20:51] And at the end of the movie, they're all on the lawn.

[20:54] The house is on fire.

[20:55] And then cut to credits.

[20:57] And you have no idea whether he survived or what.

[20:58] They're lying on the ground.

[20:59] The three of them, one on top of each other like a family, lies down.

[21:02] And then you hear sirens in the background fade to black.

[21:06] So all the robbers are dead.

[21:08] A real security guard who shows up near the end of the movie gets shot dead by Cam Kajandit.

[21:14] And there's also – and the girl robber.

[21:17] Yeah, she's –

[21:18] So the daughter says, I know where there is money.

[21:20] I was at this party.

[21:22] This is something we see earlier.

[21:23] She's at a party, and the douchebag who is running the party, to impress her, shows her a safe with a gun in it and, like, tons and tons of cash and bricks.

[21:31] And he's like, there's $100,000 in here.

[21:34] You know, in case of, I don't know, the economy collapses or 9-11 or something.

[21:37] Like, I don't remember what he says.

[21:38] It's really stupid.

[21:39] And she leaves the party.

[21:40] So she says, I can take you to this house.

[21:43] It's 20 minutes away.

[21:44] We'll get lots of money.

[21:45] And the girl robber goes with her in a car.

[21:47] But not before changing back into a thong again.

[21:49] Not before they change their clothes into party clothes.

[21:52] Look, they don't want to be conspicuous while they're robbing money from this party.

[21:59] I guess so, yeah.

[22:00] And then the robber girl is like, I'm going to shoot all your friends.

[22:03] I'm going to shoot everybody because you can't do anything about it because you can't do anything.

[22:08] and the girl speeds up the car and aims for a traffic pole

[22:14] and then quickly unlatches the robber's seatbelt.

[22:20] Car crashes.

[22:21] Next thing we see, the airbags have not gone off.

[22:24] The girl is fine.

[22:25] The girl robber is, I don't know, dead, I don't know what,

[22:28] but she's just sitting there.

[22:30] The car is in pretty good shape considering it just crashed,

[22:32] and the daughter runs away.

[22:35] But this is, and I said it at the time, this is my favorite thing in the whole movie, because early in the movie, when the daughter sneaks out and Kendra's driving her, Kendra almost crashes into that same traffic pole.

[22:49] And so it feels like the movie feels like it needs to set up the fact that people can crash into poles, or else we're not going to believe the way that this woman gets killed at the end of the movie.

[23:00] I mean, this is a movie that's so intricately plotted.

[23:05] Just everything's there.

[23:06] Everything pays off.

[23:08] Except for everything.

[23:09] One of the great things about this movie is characters suddenly go from being like cowardly and sniveling on the floor to suddenly doing an enormous act of bravery.

[23:17] Like at one point Nicole Kidman, who is like most of the movie is on the floor crying of some sort, begging the robbers to leave her family alone, gets up, like puts a guy in an arm lock and grabs a syringe and like points it very close to his neck and just starts shouting commands to all the robbers as if she was.

[23:34] I honestly expected some sort of secret to be that she was trained in some sort of martial arts or a cop herself.

[23:39] It was so fluid and quick.

[23:41] It's like in movies where you see ordinary people are really good at punching and can take a lot of punishment.

[23:49] This is that kind of movie.

[23:50] It's supposed to be an average family, but they're pretty good at fighting, and Nicolas Cage takes a shitload of punishment.

[23:57] They crush his hand.

[23:59] They shoot him a couple times.

[24:02] there's that but there's the flip side of that which is when they like seem utterly incompetent

[24:06] like there's a point of family or i mean everybody seems incompetent yeah but there's a point at

[24:10] which like a knife gets stabbed into a table right next to nicholas cage and nicholas cage basically

[24:15] does that like comedy thing where like you turn your like fingers into someone walking along

[24:21] the table the two robbers are arguing and he's gonna he's slowly reaching over to pick up that

[24:26] knife but it's like he's it's like he's in a slow pick up a knife contest like how slow could you

[24:33] pick up a knife and it's also one of those things where you know i feel like anyone with any any

[24:38] experience in life sort of knows that if you want to do something surreptitiously you do it quickly

[24:43] rather than stretching it out as long as you possibly can like you just grab the knife and

[24:48] stab someone he knows that uh robbers have vision like frogs or t-rexes all right they see motion

[24:55] They can't see things that are standing still.

[24:57] That's just science.

[24:58] That's science.

[24:59] It's like an actual movie theater is when somebody wants to, like, open, like, unwrap something and just does it very slowly, which is, like, a hundred times worse than just opening it right away.

[25:06] I'm going to extend this crinkling as long as I can.

[25:09] But the robbers are really shitty at being robbers, too.

[25:12] Like, they break into the house and they're like, we know everything about you.

[25:15] We've been watching you.

[25:16] We know everything.

[25:17] And over the course of the movie, it's revealed that they really don't know what they're doing.

[25:20] They have no plan.

[25:21] All of them are crazy.

[25:22] They don't like each other.

[25:24] And, like, you only need to tweak this a little bit for it to be, like, a knockabout farce about, like, incompetent robbers.

[25:31] You just need one person to dress as a different gender in order for this to be just a complete farce.

[25:35] Well, what we were talking about during the movie, like, it was like, okay, well, the robbers think that they have all these diamonds.

[25:40] Oh, Nicolas Cage doesn't have any diamonds.

[25:42] Then they think he has a bunch of money.

[25:43] It's like, oh, it turns out he doesn't have the money.

[25:45] Then there's a necklace that they're going to get.

[25:47] Like, oh, they get the necklace, and he's like, oh, it's fake.

[25:49] I traded it in for the house.

[25:52] and they smash it

[25:53] in a fake necklace

[25:54] and it turns into

[25:55] a movie about

[25:56] hostages that

[25:57] bedevil

[25:57] the hostage takers.

[25:59] It's like,

[26:00] oh, come on.

[26:01] You're just wasting

[26:01] our time now, Nicholas Cage.

[26:02] The hostage takers

[26:03] are falling apart

[26:05] by the end of the movie.

[26:06] They don't really seem

[26:07] like much of a threat.

[26:08] Yeah.

[26:09] I feel like it's like

[26:10] most of these

[26:11] hostage movies

[26:12] or invasion or heist movies

[26:13] have one wild card

[26:14] but every one

[26:15] of the robbers

[26:16] in this movie

[26:17] is a wild card

[26:17] in some way.

[26:18] It feels like the screenwriter

[26:18] was like,

[26:18] why don't I make them

[26:19] all wild cards?

[26:20] It's what anyone's

[26:21] going to do

[26:22] at any one point.

[26:22] Even the guy who's like

[26:23] the big tough guy

[26:24] who's a professional

[26:25] who's there to keep them in line

[26:26] is kind of a crazy person

[26:28] who flies off the handle.

[26:29] Yeah.

[26:29] Crazy person.

[26:30] There's the drug addict

[26:31] stripper lady.

[26:32] There's the fuck up

[26:34] drug dealer.

[26:35] And then there's the person

[26:36] who's on anti-psychotic

[26:37] medication.

[26:38] I mean, it's like the X-Men.

[26:39] Sounds like a superhero team.

[26:41] Yeah.

[26:41] That's one,

[26:43] although I will say

[26:44] the number of twists

[26:45] and the way they're all revealed,

[26:46] every twist is revealed

[26:47] in a very dramatic monologue

[26:49] or some sort of

[26:50] shocked utterance that is then followed by the next person hearing it saying what did you just

[26:55] say it's all very not only are there so many twists but they're all revealed as as if they're

[26:59] the only twist in the movie that explains it which becomes very entertaining to me after

[27:03] the druggy girlfriend's like no no no no no come on yeah after a certain point you'd think that

[27:10] they'd just be like oh yeah okay yeah i buy that i get it everything is going wrong the uh i mean i

[27:17] guess in a way that's more realistic i mean this is probably more like there's nothing realistic

[27:21] about this no this is not in any way what real life is like it's probably more realistic that

[27:26] that's what like a group of criminals is like i'm saying like a group well yeah semi-incompetent

[27:30] they are most criminals are not a crack elite it's not like die hard where they're an elite

[27:34] squad of mercenaries yeah that have everything timed out to the second and it's only the one

[27:40] x factor of a new york city cop with no shoes oh my god this sounds like a good movie well

[27:45] It was made already years ago.

[27:47] Oh, no.

[27:48] I'm looking forward to this movie you're making.

[27:51] No, I'm not making it.

[27:52] It's been made.

[27:53] I'll die hard.

[27:53] I would like to give you $2 million to make this movie.

[27:56] The movie cost way more than $2 million.

[27:58] I think I can only raise $2 million.

[28:00] I'm amazed you can raise that much.

[28:02] I'll take this money, and I'll make this movie.

[28:04] I'll give you a DVD of this movie that I'll make for just $2 million.

[28:08] I'll get Bruce Willis to be in it, but he'll look younger.

[28:12] See?

[28:13] Ruben is the kind of can-do guy I'm looking for, Elliot.

[28:16] It's always no with you.

[28:18] You're right.

[28:19] I'm a can't-do guy.

[28:20] I can't make a movie that was already made 20 years ago.

[28:22] One thing I like about this movie is the fact that with all these twists,

[28:27] the very first five minutes of this break-in,

[28:29] it seems like this is like a SEAL Team 6 operation.

[28:31] They even do the trick where they're like,

[28:35] what's the code to the alarm?

[28:36] And he gives them the wrong code.

[28:38] But they know the right code.

[28:39] And they know the right code.

[28:40] So you're thinking, oh, these guys tracked him down a long time.

[28:43] But then like within like two minutes after that, everything like they – the girls are smoking crack in the room and putting on another dress.

[28:50] The guys are like shouting to each other to calm the fuck down, which – they're showing a little bit of a falling apart, which usually happens like 90 minutes into a two-hour heist movie.

[28:59] It's as if like Reservoir Dogs start with – as if they all come back from that robbery that went horribly wrong and they're all mad at each other.

[29:10] It's as if all that happened the minute they walked into the place they were robbing.

[29:15] Like, as if Reservoir Dogs was about them fucking up this robbery instantly.

[29:19] Like, the only way they could screw it up more is if, like, they couldn't get the door open.

[29:23] Or if they hold up their guns and the cartridges are just falling right—the clips are just falling right out of the bottom.

[29:29] Their pants are falling down.

[29:31] You know, their masks just disappear because they're made out of, like, some kind of flash paper.

[29:36] But likewise, I mean, like, Nicolas Cage—

[29:39] All the moms are in the bank.

[29:40] They're like, Junior?

[29:41] No.

[29:42] This is also, and as a result, this is the shoutiest movie I think we've ever seen in this podcast.

[29:47] Oh, really?

[29:47] And we watched 12 rounds, which is a loud movie.

[29:51] But almost every line in this movie is, shut the fuck up.

[29:54] We're like, get the fuck down.

[29:56] No, no, no.

[29:58] Basically.

[29:58] Well, that's what I was going to say is that Nicolas Cage goes from the boring, disengaged Nicolas Cage that we've seen a lot of recently

[30:06] to, like, crazy fucking Nicolas Cage very quickly.

[30:10] He does a lot of talking like this.

[30:11] It's like his voice, it's like his voice,

[30:15] it goes from, like, Zero to Giamatti to George Lucas.

[30:19] Like, those are the voices.

[30:20] So he's like, leave my family alone.

[30:23] To, like, do you ever know the etymology of the word diamond?

[30:28] It's like, why?

[30:29] Why bother with that?

[30:30] But also, like, immediately upon getting kidnapped,

[30:33] Like he is at climax levels of like yelling and despair and craziness.

[30:38] I mean, it is like a weird, like it is like a home invasion, Joel Schumacher, Tennessee Williams thing.

[30:46] That's another thing, too, by the way, which is like what you're saying about the etymology of diamonds.

[30:53] Like several times the movie, Nicolas Cage gives almost like a mini lecture on some subject.

[30:57] At one point he even starts like discussing with the robbers the leverage he has and what leverage is and how it's useful in negotiations.

[31:04] And I don't know if that's –

[31:06] It was a promotion for the show Leverage.

[31:08] It's one of those – there's something that started out as kind of a neat thing in movies where characters would give little mini speeches on like weird subjects.

[31:17] And then it got totally overused and like Aaron Sorkin does it in everything he writes.

[31:22] But it seems like every character has their little speech where they're like, you know, when I was a boy, my mom always used to tell me, and here's what's interesting about that, and here's a fact I heard somewhere.

[31:34] And it's like, maybe one of those for a movie is okay.

[31:37] But all the characters seem like they just read a really interesting book and they can't wait to share.

[31:43] Or they heard something on Jeopardy that they didn't know, and they're going to tell everybody what it is.

[31:48] I mean, to go back to Reservoir Dogs, I feel like Quentin Tarantino is good at doing that.

[31:53] And people see that, and they're like, oh, I can do that.

[31:56] And the thing is, that became one of the ticks that people picked up on about Tarantino.

[32:01] But he doesn't do it as much as you think he does.

[32:04] It's just when he does it, they're memorable.

[32:06] Like the whole Royale with Cheese thing in Pulp Fiction, there's not that many other things like that in the movie.

[32:12] Where there's just kind of like a non-sequitur fact talk or something like that.

[32:16] Yeah, like a virgin thing at the beginning of Reservoir Dogs.

[32:19] That's really the only thing there, yeah.

[32:22] And in Glorious Bastards, it's when Christoph Waltz goes through

[32:25] basically the plot of each season of Charles in Charge.

[32:28] Yeah, yeah.

[32:29] It's strange and agonistic, but it's a movie where they kill Hitler.

[32:33] It's a Fantasia.

[32:34] It's a Fantasia on World War II themes.

[32:36] And then the interesting thing is that the Powell family moves out.

[32:44] A new family moves in, but Charles stays in charge.

[32:48] It was very smart, though, because he deliberately made a mistake in the third season that got the Jews hiding under the floorboards.

[32:54] It'd be like, that's not right, and that's how they discovered it.

[32:57] What's so brilliant about that scene is you're like, oh, he's talking about Charles in charge.

[33:01] All Jews love that, and you want them to be quiet, but they just cannot resist from correcting him.

[33:07] And the irony in the scene is that Christoph Waltz is the one in charge the whole time.

[33:11] Yeah.

[33:12] What a good movie.

[33:14] Inglourious Basterds, just well done.

[33:16] I mean, it is.

[33:19] I mean, not the crazy version that we just made up.

[33:21] Inglourious Charles in Charge.

[33:22] Actually, I don't mean to...

[33:24] Inglourious Bayos, that's what it is.

[33:25] I don't mean to shift the discussion to that,

[33:28] but I do remember watching that movie,

[33:29] not realizing how much of a...

[33:32] This is really just going to go off the rails

[33:33] in terms of historical accuracy.

[33:35] Thinking of the last two minutes,

[33:36] they've really ridden themselves into a corner with this fire.

[33:38] How are they going to get Hitler out of here?

[33:40] And then at the end, I was like,

[33:41] oh, I guess we're not.

[33:43] And what I loved about Tarantino's explanation for that was he was like, the characters don't know how history is supposed to go.

[33:48] They don't know that Hitler doesn't die here.

[33:50] So why can't they kill Hitler?

[33:52] And it's such a perfect explanation.

[33:53] Like, yeah, you're right.

[33:55] It's not like the characters are going to leave a back door open because they know Hitler doesn't die until 1945.

[33:59] That's true.

[34:01] Yeah, that's a very clever way of responding to it.

[34:03] But anyway, Trespass.

[34:04] I found myself way more entertained by this movie than I thought I was going to be, even though it was really, like, because it was stupid.

[34:11] It was really stupid and loud.

[34:13] at any given moment

[34:13] someone was about to get hurt

[34:15] or yell at somebody else.

[34:16] Or reveal some new motivation

[34:17] that we never knew about.

[34:19] And Camga Janet

[34:21] gets into a fight

[34:22] with the big guy at the end

[34:23] and is just being slammed

[34:24] against the floor.

[34:25] Like there's a bunch of

[34:26] hits in this

[34:28] that look like they really hurt.

[34:30] He receives like seven blows

[34:32] that would render anybody

[34:33] automatically unconscious.

[34:34] Yeah, but he has psycho strength.

[34:35] He has psycho strength.

[34:36] That's true, that's true.

[34:36] Freshest breath

[34:37] and psychos mind ever.

[34:39] Joel Schumacher

[34:41] makes these movies

[34:42] where he's just really cruel

[34:43] to his characters

[34:44] and really like

[34:45] beats the shit out of them

[34:46] and it like

[34:47] I remember in

[34:49] Phone Booth

[34:50] which is not a good movie

[34:51] but there's one scene

[34:52] where he's on the phone

[34:53] with Kiefer Sutherland

[34:54] while the prostitutes

[34:57] and the pimp are

[34:58] I don't even remember

[34:59] why they want to yell at him

[35:00] but they're like

[35:01] banging on the outside

[35:02] of the phone booth

[35:03] while he's trying to deal with

[35:04] Kiefer Sutherland

[35:06] like he has too much stimuli

[35:07] that he can't all respond to

[35:09] and that was the only moment

[35:11] in that movie

[35:11] that was any good to me

[35:12] because it was like, this is really making me anxious.

[35:14] Like, there's too much going on for this character to deal with.

[35:17] I mean, it's something that you can relate to.

[35:19] Like, leave me alone in the fucking phone booth.

[35:22] I'm on the phone.

[35:23] And it almost, it doesn't totally make up for the fact

[35:25] that the character in that movie is being punished

[35:27] for having had a lustful thought about a woman who is not his wife.

[35:30] Is that really what the...

[35:31] Yeah, it turns out he has to admit at the end

[35:33] that he was sexually attracted to this woman who works for him,

[35:36] but he never acted on it.

[35:38] They didn't sleep together.

[35:39] The sniper makes him reveal this to his wife.

[35:42] She's really sexy, and I felt that, but we never acted on it.

[35:46] I never went on a date with her.

[35:47] He's being punished for being a human being.

[35:50] Yeah, like Jimmy Carter wrote this script.

[35:52] He felt lust in his heart.

[35:54] That's just as bad.

[35:55] Who is it doing that?

[35:58] I forget how Kiefer Sutherland knows these things about him.

[36:02] It's this crazy sniper who just traps him in this phone booth.

[36:06] This is also the same problem with trespass.

[36:08] the idea that like there's no you don't the like it doesn't matter how a twist is revealed or set

[36:15] up or if even relies on information the audience did not know any twist is an interesting new

[36:19] exciting twist that'll change the audiences that'll that'll make the audience more excited

[36:22] like and at certain points in this movie especially by the end of it there's just so much that you

[36:27] just don't really you you know you're no longer invested any of the characters anymore you just

[36:31] want like the but it almost makes you dependent on the twists for yeah for plot uh for for just

[36:38] for just being engaged at a certain number of twists a certain critical mass of twists you

[36:42] need like many many more twists you know you need like you need nothing but twists after i would say

[36:47] like if you can't have accelerating number yeah if you have like three twists in the movie you

[36:52] need 30 twists and you need them all to to to be revealed like like exponentially and then well the

[36:56] twists have to get crazier each time or bigger each time so like oh and it turns out nicholas

[37:01] Cage as Kamgajand, its father.

[37:02] And it turns out this is a World War

[37:05] Apes rule.

[37:05] Yeah.

[37:09] Well, it's a movie.

[37:12] That's what I have to say about it.

[37:14] It was a failure of a movie.

[37:15] But I think that we have to

[37:18] give our final judgments now.

[37:20] We're about that time.

[37:21] Final judgments.

[37:23] This is where we decide whether this was a good, bad movie.

[37:26] Whether it is scarily horrifying.

[37:28] No, no. Again. Terrifyingly good.

[37:30] Those are only special Shocktober categories.

[37:33] They're creepily bad good.

[37:34] I wish I'd done the October one.

[37:36] Those are like much more exciting categories.

[37:38] And Stewart sometimes rates it on a scale of wormy boners.

[37:41] Nobody else needs that.

[37:42] Not a canonical method of rating.

[37:45] No one understands what it means.

[37:47] It doesn't mean anything.

[37:48] He makes up the numbers each time.

[37:50] I'm not even really sure what a wormy boner is.

[37:52] I'm assuming it's a boner with worms in it.

[37:55] Oh, that's horrible.

[37:56] Like a corpse boner?

[37:57] Yeah.

[37:57] Just like that movie, Tim Burton's the Corpse Boner?

[38:00] Yeah.

[38:00] I thought you said warmy as in like it's a warm, pleasant boner as opposed to the sort of colder.

[38:06] Those cold boners?

[38:09] The cold, like the ones you're just not.

[38:11] From that cold blood that's rushing into your veins.

[38:13] Like when Mr. Freeze is aroused.

[38:15] Okay.

[38:16] No, is this a good, bad movie?

[38:18] A movie that you derive pleasure from because it is bad?

[38:21] A bad, bad movie?

[38:23] A movie you just dislike?

[38:24] Or a movie you kind of like?

[38:25] One that you find redeeming facets about?

[38:28] Elliot.

[38:29] I think I'm going to say I thought it was a good bad movie.

[38:31] Yeah.

[38:31] I didn't think I was going to enjoy it at all, but it was so stupid, and the twists kept coming by the end, and it was so loud and fast that even though it is really bad, it was bad in a funny way.

[38:44] Yeah.

[38:46] Zubin?

[38:47] Yeah, I guess I would agree with that too.

[38:49] There's like – twists are pretty entertaining after a certain point.

[38:51] That's like – I think I would go so far as to say that excessive plot twists are what separate a bad bad movie from a good bad movie.

[38:58] Interesting.

[38:59] yeah i that's the prang theory of good bad bad yeah like the separation line i would say the

[39:05] prang theories is is that number of plot twists is very highly correlated with good bad it's been

[39:10] a while since we've had one of these but i'm also gonna you're right too long good bad this is a

[39:15] good bad movie it's uh you know it's very uh fast it's 90 minutes long i mean there's a there's a

[39:21] bit of a drag in the middle it definitely gets draggy when the characters have yelled at each

[39:25] other and thrown each other to the ground for the 80th time but there's a lot of twists it's

[39:29] only 90 minutes it's a master class in terrible acting um there's some good cgi fire at the end

[39:35] yeah can't get janet just like bursts into play like like he had like a big drink of kerosene

[39:41] before yeah he quickly becomes the fire like yeah very much i wish they just went all the way and

[39:46] had evil spirits escaping from his body while he was on fire uh wow so uh that's a good that's a

[39:53] Yeah, good, bad movie, Trespass.

[39:56] It was worth it.

[39:56] I think it was worth it.

[39:58] Trespassos.

[39:59] I have a few letters to read here.

[40:03] This is the part where we answer fan letters.

[40:05] You guys get fan letters?

[40:06] Oh, yeah.

[40:07] This is a high-class operation you've hooked up with.

[40:10] I wish I hadn't revealed all that information about my fraternity.

[40:12] I didn't know it was going to be so popular.

[40:14] This is from someone who says, call me Mippy on air.

[40:19] Okay, Mippy.

[40:20] That's weird.

[40:21] I hope it's not a sex thing.

[40:23] Give me the dignity of Mippy.

[40:26] They call me Mr. Mippy.

[40:31] And she says, it's an email titled, meow.

[40:35] Already off a good start.

[40:39] So Mippy wrote to say meow.

[40:40] Are you sure this is not...

[40:44] It's not a cat who's learned to work a computer?

[40:48] Yeah.

[40:48] No, she says, I work in a job that involves watching many film trailers.

[40:52] I'm being deliberately vague to avoid the sack.

[40:55] I think this is why she's calling herself Mippy.

[40:56] Ah, I see.

[40:57] Don't want to break that code, Mippy.

[41:00] Your podcast makes me feel as though you're watching the whole thing,

[41:03] so I don't have to.

[41:04] So I have a suggestion.

[41:05] Did lesbian vampire killers make it over to the U.S.?

[41:08] I'm intrigued to know if it is awful only if you are British

[41:11] and familiar with the charmless comedians which star within.

[41:14] With a title like that, you may expect trashy fun along the lines of

[41:17] brain dead, dead alive, but I have the feeling you won't be getting it.

[41:20] I actually feel like I expect it to be a seduction cinema film

[41:23] with, like, Misty Monday in it.

[41:25] Yeah.

[41:25] Well, I bring this up because to bolster my reputation

[41:29] is Perfosoid No. 1.

[41:31] Have you seen this movie already?

[41:33] I've seen Lesbian Vampire Killers.

[41:35] What?

[41:37] Like, how?

[41:37] Is it a British movie?

[41:38] It's a British movie.

[41:39] It's a tongue-in-cheek.

[41:40] They had Dan at Lesbian, and they got him at Vampire.

[41:43] It's a, you know, no, it's a comedy.

[41:47] it's a horror comedy

[41:48] it's trying to be a comedy

[41:51] at least

[41:51] but I bring this up to just

[41:54] I feel like diagnose a problem

[41:57] with exploitation films these days

[41:59] which is that they're not exploitative enough

[42:01] like all of the exploitation

[42:03] you respect the actresses too much

[42:05] Elliot

[42:06] I know some things

[42:08] so don't pretend to

[42:10] respect womankind more than you actually do

[42:13] but I just

[42:15] it's interesting to me

[42:17] that like

[42:17] I know some things

[42:18] it's interesting to me

[42:20] that like

[42:20] two plus two is four

[42:21] for one

[42:22] so

[42:22] be quiet about women

[42:24] I just think it's funny

[42:25] that I feel like

[42:26] exploitation

[42:27] modern exploitation movies

[42:28] even ones like

[42:29] like especially ones

[42:30] that are like

[42:31] campy or tongue-in-cheek

[42:32] like they pack

[42:33] all of the exploitation

[42:34] into the title

[42:35] yeah

[42:36] and then they don't

[42:37] follow through

[42:37] like I mean like

[42:38] they don't

[42:39] have the sense of fun

[42:41] that they need to have

[42:42] that's what most

[42:43] exploitation movies

[42:44] were like though

[42:45] that's true where they would give you a title that was really crazy and maybe a couple moments

[42:49] for a trailer and the rest would be like characters driving between locations or bands that had paid

[42:54] to appear in the movie or things like that but you're right there's no people should have no

[42:59] better than to do that now because they know what makes a good exploitation you know cheapy movie

[43:06] yeah like i feel like you know we should we you know we should have a higher class of exploitation

[43:11] by now, Juvan.

[43:12] What would you,

[43:13] because I'm not really familiar

[43:14] with modern exploitation,

[43:15] but what would you say

[43:16] would be like a modern one

[43:17] aside from lesbian vampire killers?

[43:18] One that would be more popular

[43:20] that I would know about,

[43:21] for example.

[43:22] You know, I mean,

[43:22] Drive Angry 3D

[43:24] was basically a big budget

[43:25] exploitation movie.

[43:26] Unfortunately,

[43:27] it didn't get the balance right

[43:29] and there were times

[43:30] when it was a little too gross.

[43:33] Like when you had the main,

[43:35] like anytime a nude woman

[43:37] was on screen,

[43:38] they were either going to get

[43:39] beaten up or traumatized

[43:40] and it was like a little too much.

[43:42] Yeah, I don't need that.

[43:43] But, I don't know, like, you know,

[43:46] I mean, Dan always has a soft spot

[43:48] for movies with, you know, bikini girls

[43:51] or things like that, you know,

[43:52] or people's heads exploding.

[43:54] I mean, we all like those things.

[43:55] I guess, yeah, when I think exploitation,

[43:57] I think of, like, the trauma video,

[43:59] like, films of the 80s, like Toxic Avenger.

[44:01] I think of, I guess, like, Private School,

[44:03] like those movies where they were just

[44:05] basically thinly veiled excuses to show...

[44:07] I do enjoy the 80s,

[44:08] 1880s comedies.

[44:10] I guess that's what I think of when I think of exploitation.

[44:12] That's probably not what the fan of the genre...

[44:14] And then there's the horror side of it,

[44:16] where you have, like, there was some great stuff

[44:19] in the 80s, like Re-Animator or Evil Dead

[44:21] that was, like, not...

[44:22] didn't have, like, the sex thing, but it was, like, a splatter comedy.

[44:25] Well, it seems like

[44:26] exploitation movies kind of came up

[44:28] because people could make really cheap

[44:31] movies that they could get a lot

[44:33] of money on fast because they would just put in

[44:35] the elements that would play the lowest

[44:37] common denominator and then you had basically it seemed like a generation or two of people who

[44:43] really liked those elements and were willing to put a certain amount of enthusiasm and craft and

[44:49] energy into making those movies and they knew what buttons they had to hit but they hit them

[44:54] harder and better because they liked doing it it wasn't just a quick cash grab now i feel like we

[44:59] have a generation of people who have nostalgia for the idea of exploitation but like one like

[45:05] want to make the PG-13 version of that

[45:07] because they can't.

[45:08] They want to make an acceptable mainstream,

[45:09] respectable version,

[45:11] and you can't do it without losing that,

[45:13] the frisson that made it.

[45:17] I bet you we're 10 years out

[45:18] from a Tarantino of 80s TNA movies.

[45:21] Yeah.

[45:22] I really, I really,

[45:23] I think in 10, 15 years

[45:24] you're going to find someone

[45:25] once our age gets to have control

[45:27] of directorial level studio money,

[45:29] you'll see a resurgence of 80s TNA,

[45:31] like an homage to the way he does

[45:32] to those 70s slasher movies.

[45:33] kind of feel like the american pie movies were a little bit like that yeah a little about a bunch

[45:39] of guys just trying to get laid yeah but yeah but like tarantino seems to be one of the few guys who

[45:45] like gets the things that made those exploitation movies yeah and has the end does it to the hilt

[45:52] you know yeah but doesn't do it so much to the hilt that you're like uh this makes me feel gross

[45:57] so to move on uh this dot org email is from you can make a difference is this mippy again

[46:04] well uh i i'll just read it because she explains but uh it's titled an excuse to get elliot to talk

[46:11] even more yay i don't need it i don't need a baby let me tell you about my day today

[46:16] so i woke up 6 30 a.m like always okay that yeah it says uh i decided that since there's been

[46:24] In confusion caused by the similarities in my first name and Dan's wife's first name,

[46:28] I would identify myself using only my last name, which is Aron.

[46:33] I think it's Aron.

[46:34] Maybe Aron.

[46:35] But I'll say Aron.

[46:37] Aragorn.

[46:38] Aragorn.

[46:39] I was recently perusing a copy of Earth the Book, which I had stolen from a local book merchant.

[46:45] I don't approve of that.

[46:47] No residuals for anyone?

[46:48] No, we don't get royalties on that.

[46:50] Royalties.

[46:51] And I noticed that in the chapter on death, there's a picture of the Crypt Keeper.

[46:54] Knowing that Elliot was a writer for the book and knowing that he seems to be a fan of the pun-tastic corpse,

[46:59] I have to ask, how much begging and pleading was used in order to get the Crypt Keeper in the book?

[47:02] And how many puns went unpublished?

[47:04] Take as much time as possible to tell some of those jokes now in the Crypt Keeper's voice, of course.

[47:09] Thanks for all the laughs and tears, gents.

[47:12] I mean, I don't know.

[47:14] I don't know whether you can say, like, what jokes were whose or anything.

[47:18] I can say some of which jokes were mine, but I don't remember whose were whose for all of them.

[47:24] I mean, it does not take a lot to get the Crypt Keeper into a Daily Show thing.

[47:27] At some point, it was like the Daily Show decided that certain things that Elliot likes were just going to go in fairly easily, like the Crypt Keeper or the X-Men.

[47:38] Some things don't.

[47:40] I wrote a Mac and Me joke the other day that I thought was great that didn't get in.

[47:46] but i mean i you know culturally i think that uh mac and me has less is a touchstone is a major

[47:53] touchstone okay um but what was the so what what's the i i'm sorry i've lost track of the question

[47:59] just a picture of the cryptkeeper but like that was i don't think i wrote the cryptkeeper joke

[48:03] i don't think but uh you know there's a there's a very specific sensibility that uh that the show

[48:10] that the people at the show have and i fit into it so all right well this uh this this email is

[48:15] But write in and ask about any other jokes, and I'll let you know if I wrote them or not.

[48:18] This email is titled, finally.

[48:21] It's from John, last name withheld.

[48:24] And it says, after four years, four months, and eight days of Flophouse episodes,

[48:28] someone finally called Dan out on his inability to correctly pronounce the short E sound in the English language.

[48:34] I'm referring to Elliot's confusion starting around 1938 in the Conan the Barbarian episode

[48:41] upon hearing Dan apparently mention winches.

[48:45] Yeah, you started talking about having sex with winches.

[48:48] It's weird.

[48:51] Why this particular abuse of our mother tongue happened to catch Elliot's ear, I'll never know.

[48:55] Coming as it did after 93 previous podcasts in which Dan opined about the temperature, observed tense moments, discussed revenge plots, and marveled at tentacle creatures.

[49:10] Tentacle.

[49:11] Later in the Conan episode, Dan read a letter in which a listener described Elliot as, according to Dan, a general pedant.

[49:20] This is what's commonly known as a teachable moment.

[49:23] Here was an opportunity for Dan to practice his short E sound in two consecutive words.

[49:30] Instead, he chose to horribly mispronounce both words, surely angering the pedantic champ versus chomp letter writer.

[49:38] But this time, his co-hosts were silent.

[49:41] Stuart, I assume, had slipped into his customary late episode Popeye's-induced coma.

[49:45] Doesn't eat Popeye's.

[49:46] Stuart doesn't eat the Popeye's, I do.

[49:47] But when Dan came for the short...

[49:50] It's a Coors Light-induced coma.

[49:51] When Dan came for the short ease, Elliot also said nothing.

[49:54] Perhaps when Dan comes for the doubled continence, there will be no one left to speak for Elliot.

[49:58] No!

[49:58] John, last name with hell.

[50:00] That hits me where I live.

[50:01] P.S. Five head and seven pounds seem like tailor-made enemies.

[50:04] One demands a particular exact quantity in his crimes,

[50:07] while the other habitually adds one to the expected amount.

[50:10] Together, they could launch a golden age of OCD comic rivalries.

[50:13] Now, look, I...

[50:16] I like the idea of a five-head, seven-pounds crossover, I have to say.

[50:20] Well, let's address this character assassination, because...

[50:23] Of your terrible way with pronouncing things?

[50:25] See, pronouncing. He didn't even catch me there.

[50:27] It's pronouncing things.

[50:28] Your fans are both obsessive and very critical.

[50:31] It's the worst combination of characteristics for your fans to have.

[50:35] First, let me assure you that in day-to-day life,

[50:39] I've had plenty of people point out my inability to differentiate, for instance, between the thing people put in clothes and the thing people write with.

[50:51] Markers.

[50:52] No.

[50:53] Pen and pen.

[50:54] I say them the same.

[50:55] Oh, yeah.

[50:57] So you would say pig pen when you mean pig pen.

[51:02] And you would say pen pig when you mean a pig that uses a pen.

[51:06] I don't think he switches them.

[51:07] He just can't say one.

[51:08] I speak, in most cases, with a perfect newscaster's American accent.

[51:18] In this one case, for some reason, he decides that he needs to be a jerk and pick out my charming regionalism.

[51:27] Like, say entomology.

[51:28] Entomology.

[51:29] Yeah, entomology.

[51:30] Yeah, you say it all weird.

[51:32] You know, Tom Brokaw has that one small glottal stop.

[51:35] I feel like this is what distinguishes you and gives you that extra –

[51:38] Tom Brokaw, he can't even finish words.

[51:39] But that's his thing, though.

[51:41] All the great newscasters have got one small distinguishing characteristic that really raised them above just the average effluvia of newscasters.

[51:49] So I'd say this is critical.

[51:50] It's like how Walter Cronkite, he only said the with a Spanish accent.

[51:54] Yeah.

[51:55] So he'd be like, today, the president went to – that kind of thing.

[51:59] I mean, everyone has their charming regionalisms.

[52:01] I mean, no one has called Stuart out on his amazing Fort Wayne accent.

[52:05] I can't even tell.

[52:07] He sounds like Shakespeare himself.

[52:09] He sounds like the platonic ideal of the English language.

[52:12] Stuart has one of the most extravagant voices of anyone I've met,

[52:15] and I thought it was just Stuart until I met two other people from Fort Wayne.

[52:18] I think what it is is that Stuart goes out of his way to twist so many of his words,

[52:21] like the fact that he says Sam-yum-ry and me-own-ster,

[52:25] that at that point I just assume he does any mispronunciations on purpose.

[52:29] No, part of that is it is actually a Fort Wayne drawl.

[52:33] Okay.

[52:34] But I would like to thank the podcast listeners

[52:38] for being enough of a dick to point out my mispronunciation.

[52:42] I don't want to come back on this thing

[52:43] if this is the level of fan reception.

[52:45] Oh, you're going to get ripped to shreds by the fans.

[52:46] Yeah, I don't.

[52:46] I wish we hadn't said my name in the beginning.

[52:48] Are there any other letters?

[52:49] There are, but let's save the last one for next time

[52:52] because we're running long

[52:54] and just get straight to recommendations of movies that we saw

[52:58] that we might want to point people to instead of Trespass.

[53:03] Like a movie compass.

[53:04] We got a lot of joy out of Trespass.

[53:06] It's not a bad movie to watch with.

[53:07] It is a bad movie.

[53:08] I mean, it wouldn't be the worst choice to just watch with some friends on a winter night.

[53:13] That's true.

[53:13] I'm not a romantic winter.

[53:16] You're snowed in in a cabin.

[53:17] You have the Movies with Friends app.

[53:19] Just watch this one.

[53:21] This is a good thing to watch with your friends.

[53:22] They'll get caught up in the story while you are planning how to murder and eat them

[53:26] because you don't have enough food in the cabin.

[53:28] It's a winter night.

[53:29] Or if you just want to watch it with them on that winter's night.

[53:31] Whatever your range of motives are, this is a good movie to fulfill them.

[53:34] Should I go first?

[53:35] Sure.

[53:36] I'm going to recommend two things.

[53:38] First, on February 1st, Wednesday night, I'm going to be showing my regular monthly movie screening series at 92i Tribeca.

[53:45] We're showing Dead End with Humphrey Bogart, Sylvia Sidney, Joel McRae.

[53:49] It's a William Wyler movie produced by Samuel Goldwyn, screenplay by Lillian Hellman.

[53:53] all-star cast and before and behind the camera and the movie they introduced the world to the

[53:58] dead end kids you might know them as the bowery boys uh it's a really good uh good old classic

[54:05] no it's a good good movie it's an old classic hollywood drama and very good and i'll be showing

[54:09] that i also saw recently a movie that i enjoyed a comedy called the good fairy from the 30s

[54:14] that uh preston sturgis wrote and then actually i think william wyler directed that too um and it

[54:20] wasn't an amazing movie but it was a very delightful you know old style 30s comedy

[54:24] light like a soap bubble dan uh i don't know that i have one i have to admit it jubin i can't

[54:32] remember movies that i've seen recently we just we talked about this on the subway here i i haven't

[54:37] had time i've been watching television i will say that i got hbo go on my ipad and i started

[54:43] watching band of brothers which i didn't think i was i was going to like because i feel like there

[54:46] was a a whole slew of greatest generation bullshit that got thrown at us all at once yeah way to

[54:52] invite the fan the negative letters but uh no but this is all prelude to say that i started

[54:57] watching it and i'm really enjoying it so uh so uh that's that's it's not a movie but it's in

[55:03] it's a it's a film thing that i have uh enjoyed recently go i really uh i was actually talking

[55:10] about this earlier with uh with dan elliot about uh tinker taylor soldier spy which i really enjoyed

[55:17] watching the movie version with gary oldman um but i oldman you saw it with him i saw it with him

[55:23] he was embarrassed to see himself on film which i think is endearing but he's you know but i was

[55:28] i was telling him gary you're great in this unfortunately he just kept nudging you with

[55:31] his album like here's a good part yeah yeah this is a good part really distracted me um i i saw

[55:37] of the theaters but i had seen them the alec guinness miniseries beforehand and i would

[55:42] recommend the miniseries and not the movie there's a little twist watch watch the movie

[55:47] definitely watch that is a trespass level twist level twist watch the miniseries first if you

[55:53] haven't already seen the movie i think you'll enjoy it a bit more it's six hours which um it's

[55:59] a british miniseries from the 70s it's longer but it delves more into the characters um who might be

[56:05] the mole uh and so the the plot is much more richly uh rewarding and the final reveal of the

[56:12] mole is much more uh rewarding when you know all the possible moles the movie i think is

[56:17] crams a bit too much i still think it should have gotten a best picture nomination over

[56:21] half of the ones that were revealed uh yesterday easily you've been railing against uh particularly

[56:27] warhorse and extremely loud and incredibly close getting a nomination those are not best picture

[56:32] Yeah, I think that – I mean it's all relative, and I think –

[56:36] And the Oscars are also ludicrous and bunk.

[56:38] Yeah, every time I complain about the Oscars, I always think of that, and it never helps my –

[56:44] Still gets you mad.

[56:44] It never distills my – yeah, it never weakens my anger.

[56:47] It's just it's ridiculous that people who are supposedly good for a living would be like, well, the help is certainly deserving of a whole night of fanfare.

[56:54] Well, you have a deep well of rage, like a head in between, like a veil of pleasantness.

[56:59] I do. I do.

[57:00] And you know how they got that well? Fracking.

[57:02] a lot of fracking

[57:03] it's really

[57:04] it's not gonna help us guys

[57:06] no

[57:07] in the long run

[57:07] it's doing more damage

[57:08] really inflated view

[57:10] like we're not gonna get

[57:11] a hundred years of gas

[57:12] out of that

[57:12] who knows what

[57:13] what chemicals

[57:14] they pumped into Juman

[57:15] to get that rage

[57:16] out of there

[57:16] the focus of this podcast

[57:17] would have shifted

[57:18] in the last few minutes

[57:18] it's 58 minutes

[57:21] of movie discussion

[57:22] two intense minutes

[57:23] of leftist activism

[57:25] we should save this

[57:25] for the frack cast

[57:26] the frack house

[57:29] which starts right now

[57:30] welcome to frack cast

[57:32] It's very disappointing.

[57:33] People think that it's a Battlestar Galactica fan cast.

[57:35] But that's the Galact house.

[57:37] The Galaga house is our classic video game cast.

[57:42] Anyway.

[57:44] So, Juven, thank you so much for coming on.

[57:48] Hey, here's the thing.

[57:50] Anything you want to plug?

[57:51] Oh.

[57:53] A little quickly.

[57:54] Yeah, sure.

[57:55] Well, no.

[57:56] Faster.

[57:57] No, there's nothing I want to plug.

[57:58] Sorry.

[57:59] No, I was just about to.

[58:00] That's a real dead end.

[58:02] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[58:02] It's a real waste of time.

[58:03] It just kind of sprung on me.

[58:05] I have nothing going on right now

[58:06] that's worth anybody knowing about.

[58:07] I mean, just Google Zubin Parang.

[58:10] It's spelled like it sounds.

[58:11] Yeah, it's really like it sounds.

[58:13] Zhu as in Zubin.

[58:16] Yeah.

[58:16] Go to IMDb.

[58:18] Look up The Daily Show.

[58:19] Go down the list of writers.

[58:21] Find the one that looks like it would be

[58:22] a bounce of Zubin Parang.

[58:23] It's a lot of work.

[58:24] Google that.

[58:26] Really a lot of work.

[58:27] And then you'll see things that you wish you had.

[58:28] Just, you know, browse through.

[58:29] You'll see things you wish you hadn't seen.

[58:31] But thanks for listening, and thanks again to everyone who came on and saw the live show.

[58:36] Thanks for having me on.

[58:37] I appreciate it.

[58:37] Our pleasure.

[58:38] Nice work.

[58:39] But yeah, thanks for everyone who came to the live show and for everyone who listened

[58:41] tonight, today, to now.

[58:44] And a big thank you to our fans.

[58:45] Not your fans.

[58:48] It's very presumptuous.

[58:49] For The Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[58:53] I will continue to be Elliot Kalin, or will I?

[58:55] And I'm Jubin Parang.

[58:57] Guest.

[58:57] Good night, everyone.

[58:59] All right, let's get this flop show on the flop road.

[59:16] Flop.

[59:17] We say flop a lot.

[59:19] Oh, okay.

[59:20] Is that why you just got to throw that word in as much as possible?

[59:22] Yeah, if possible.

[59:22] It's like how in space they use space for everything.

[59:24] Yeah.

The Flop House: Episode #96 - Trespass

Transcript

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