The Flop House: Episode #96 - Dream House

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the TLC home makeover show, Dreamhouse.

[0:05] That's what this thing's about, right?

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:37] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:40] Hey, it's been a while. It's been a while, guys.

[0:42] It has been. We've been living our lives, living it up.

[0:44] We had an excellent guest host in Juben, but we're glad to have Stuart back.

[0:49] Nobody can replace Stuart. Except for his evil twin, Stu with three U's, Art.

[0:53] Okay. He has a goatee, that one.

[0:56] Yeah, yeah. But you sometimes have a beard.

[0:58] So, yeah, I guess I was sitting out on my front porch with my fishing rod on the wrong day, huh, guys?

[1:06] Yeah.

[1:08] Well, if you're trying to fish off your front porch, it was the wrong day every day.

[1:12] When I was going to come over and do a Flophouse, but I got all scheduled wrong.

[1:16] Yeah, well, I mean, you were gone, and then I was gone.

[1:20] Elliot was here. Elliot, oddly enough, was in my apartment the whole time being like,

[1:25] when are we going to do this, guys? Talking to no one.

[1:28] Just fondling the cats. Talking to no one.

[1:30] And the thing is, Elliot hates to talk.

[1:32] Yeah.

[1:34] So it was a real hardship for me.

[1:36] Elliot hates to talk, but he loves cats is the thing. That's the weird thing.

[1:40] Yep. This is Bizarro Elliot we're talking about.

[1:47] I was trying to – I couldn't think of the torture syntax that Bizarro Elliot would –

[1:51] Miam hate cats. That means he likes cats.

[1:55] But now we're all back.

[1:57] Miam love Popeyes. That means he hates it.

[2:00] Oh, wow.

[2:01] Bad bye.

[2:04] That's funny.

[2:05] America's new favorite character, Bizarro Elliot.

[2:08] Bizarro Elliot.

[2:10] But now we're all back together. Now America's long national nightmare is over.

[2:15] Well, some of it.

[2:18] It always could turn out that America is listening to this while in its underpants about to take a test it's never studied for.

[2:24] So, Dan, your couch is now warmer from having three boy bottoms on it.

[2:29] I don't like the way you put that. I find that creepy.

[2:32] It smells a little bit like boy farts.

[2:35] Yeah, okay.

[2:36] A little bit.

[2:37] Well, a lot of it.

[2:38] Barts we call them.

[2:40] Why are you putting your headset in? Do you want to know what the levels are?

[2:42] Yeah, I'm trying to maintain –

[2:44] Well, this is already the most fascinating Clubhouse intro ever.

[2:47] Yeah, okay.

[2:49] Should we just get to it?

[2:50] We're a little rusty.

[2:51] Should we get to it?

[2:52] Okay, so what do we do here, guys?

[2:54] We watch a movie and then we discuss it.

[2:56] Okay.

[2:57] Typically a bad movie.

[2:58] Did we watch the movie already?

[2:59] But let's not prejudge.

[3:00] Okay.

[3:01] We did watch it. I'm not surprised that it slipped out of your mind already.

[3:04] Yeah.

[3:05] Because it is –

[3:06] As opposed to being stuck there and not being able to be removed despite psychiatrists telling you that that movie never happened.

[3:13] Yeah, it sounds like the movie we watched that I don't remember.

[3:16] Yeah, that's a joke that will make more sense once Elliot synopsizes the film that we just watched.

[3:20] And what was the film, Daniel?

[3:21] It was called Dreamhouse.

[3:24] I don't think it was pronounced that way.

[3:26] That's how it was set up in the movie.

[3:29] It was like, Daniel Craig, welcome to your Dreamhouse.

[3:34] His name was Daniel Craig in the movie?

[3:36] What have you won with your Dreamhouse?

[3:38] Well, you've won Rachel Weisz and two adorable children.

[3:41] Names, DVD.

[3:42] Uh-huh.

[3:43] Not Dreamhowl?

[3:46] I don't know.

[3:47] Is that –

[3:48] I don't understand.

[3:49] Is he a werewolf in this movie?

[3:51] Or Ghost Howl sometimes.

[3:53] Oh, shit.

[3:54] Oh, boy.

[3:55] Dreamcrowser?

[3:56] Where they win Peter Crowser?

[3:58] That's the best Peter Crowser of all possible Peter Crowsers.

[4:01] Dreamlouse?

[4:02] So, Elliot, what happened in this movie that we –

[4:05] And Dreamhouse.

[4:07] Now that you're done rhyming things.

[4:10] Dreamspouse.

[4:12] Sure.

[4:14] Dreamgouse.

[4:15] Not a word.

[4:16] Rouse.

[4:17] Rouse.

[4:18] And anyway, Dreamhouse.

[4:21] Let's just do this fucking thing, okay?

[4:23] Dreamhouse.

[4:26] What's his –

[4:27] I dare you to figure out what happened.

[4:29] I was going to say Clive Owen.

[4:30] Daniel Craig is our –

[4:32] Hello, it's me, Daniel Craig.

[4:34] That's what he sounds like.

[4:35] Hello, hello, hello.

[4:37] He opened with his famous line, hello, hello, hello.

[4:39] It's me, Daniel Craig.

[4:41] What's all this thing?

[4:44] Oh, run up the afternoon stairs.

[4:46] Call Blimey.

[4:47] It's me.

[4:48] Chimney sweet puddin' and pie.

[4:49] Eggy bread.

[4:50] Your favorite actor, Daniel Craig.

[4:52] We turn into –

[4:53] Any imitation you do turns into Michael Caine.

[4:57] Close your eyes.

[4:58] You got Clive Owen on the screen.

[5:00] Same guy.

[5:01] Same person.

[5:02] You've never seen him in the same room at the same time, right?

[5:05] Never.

[5:06] Never.

[5:07] Daniel Craig is Will Atentin with the ridiculously stupid name and you'll find out why.

[5:13] He is a book editor who leaves his job in order to write a novel.

[5:17] His dream job.

[5:18] And leaves the city to live in an unnamed New York area suburb with his wife, Rachel Weisz, Libby and his daughters who are girls.

[5:28] Trish.

[5:29] Trish and –

[5:30] Trish.

[5:31] There's T.T.

[5:32] And T.T.

[5:33] And something or other.

[5:34] Anyway, they're in this new house.

[5:36] Everything seems like it's going to be great.

[5:38] We are reminded that they have a happy marriage for about 25 minutes and then there's a sinister person who seems to be lurking outside of the house.

[5:46] Strange things are going on.

[5:48] Daniel Craig is not welcome in this town and his family is scared.

[5:52] And you're assuming everybody else is crazy because our hero who we only see the movie through his point of view couldn't be crazy, right?

[5:59] Yeah.

[6:00] He is surely a reliable narrator.

[6:02] Don't call me Shirley and you're wrong.

[6:04] What?

[6:05] Because it turns out in an amazing twist that their house – actually a murder took place there five years before, a man named Peter Ward.

[6:13] Why would that be a twist?

[6:14] Well, it will be a twist later.

[6:16] That's a twist.

[6:17] You don't expect the house.

[6:19] It's called Dream House.

[6:20] You expect it to be a great house.

[6:21] Don't get twist greedy.

[6:22] All right.

[6:23] Just like when I saw Money Pit, I expected there to be a giant pit full of money in it.

[6:27] Exactly.

[6:28] But in fact, there's a house that falls apart.

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:31] Anytime the title isn't exactly what the movie is, it's a twist.

[6:35] So he finds there's a murder that took place.

[6:39] A man killed his whole family, and they think this man is trying to come back into the house to kill them.

[6:46] Should I reveal the twists in this movie?

[6:48] It was a couple of years ago, right?

[6:49] It was five years earlier.

[6:50] Why not reveal the twist because as we'll probably get into later, the trailer revealed the twist to this movie.

[6:55] And also there's no reason to see this movie.

[6:57] Yeah.

[6:58] But surprise, surprise, Daniel Craig's character is Peter Ward.

[7:03] Will, a 1010, is based off of his ID bracelet at the mental home, which is like W1LL1010.

[7:12] I thought it was just W1181010.

[7:15] A1010, I think.

[7:16] I think it's 81010.

[7:17] It doesn't.

[7:18] It's okay.

[7:19] You win.

[7:20] I don't care.

[7:21] It's not worth fighting over.

[7:22] You listen to a lot of New York radio.

[7:25] You listen to a lot of 1010 wins.

[7:26] It's where he got his traffic and weather on the lines.

[7:28] And that's where it came from, Will of 1010 wins.

[7:30] A lot of 1010 comics.

[7:32] And rode a Tauntaun over into Town Town, which is a town.

[7:39] Which is appropriate because it's a snowbound town.

[7:41] It is a snowbound town.

[7:42] What a great movie this would be if it was the same movie but they just rode Tauntauns everywhere instead of cars.

[7:48] And they never explain it.

[7:50] You're like, I guess this movie's on Hoth.

[7:52] But anywho.

[7:54] So it turns out Daniel Craig was this man, Peter Ward.

[7:57] He didn't leave his job at a publishing company.

[8:00] Wait, Peter Ward.

[8:01] That's a crazy name.

[8:02] No one would have that name.

[8:04] He left a mental hospital.

[8:06] They didn't have enough evidence to convict him of the murders of his family.

[8:09] But everyone thinks he did it, and he now has to figure out what's going on.

[8:13] Whenever he goes to the house, it's in perfect condition, and his family is there.

[8:18] Or is it not?

[8:19] It turns out the house is abandoned.

[8:21] It's been condemned.

[8:22] And he's imagining his family.

[8:24] Are they ghosts?

[8:25] He goes back and breaks the news to the ghosts that they're dead.

[8:28] The two little girls die, and Rachel Weisz is not happy.

[8:32] She is not accepting this.

[8:33] The two little girls are a lot.

[8:35] They take the news that they're dead a lot better.

[8:38] I guess when you're a kid, you know, you haven't.

[8:41] You believe in your dad.

[8:42] When your dad tells you.

[8:43] They disappear.

[8:44] They get sick.

[8:45] You take the world as it comes.

[8:47] I'm alive, I'm dead, whatever.

[8:49] Look, I'm a kid.

[8:51] I'm ready.

[8:52] I'm ready for it all.

[8:53] Life's a rollercoaster.

[8:54] I want every experience.

[8:56] Luckily for Willa Tintin, beautiful booted neighbor Naomi Watts is there.

[9:02] Yes, she does wear boots.

[9:04] That's her number one personality trait.

[9:07] And she cares about Daniel.

[9:10] Wait.

[9:11] Peter Ward.

[9:12] Just call him Daniel Craig.

[9:13] It's fine.

[9:14] Daniel Craig.

[9:15] Hello, hello, hello.

[9:16] It's me, Daniel Craig.

[9:17] Hello.

[9:18] Hello.

[9:19] Naomi Watts here.

[9:21] Hey, you look like a man who enjoys a pint.

[9:24] Would you like to have a pint with me, Daniel Craig?

[9:26] Uh-oh.

[9:27] Dan thinks he's Daniel Craig.

[9:28] But he's not.

[9:29] He's a ghost.

[9:30] Oh, no.

[9:31] But that's not what happens in the movie.

[9:33] Twist ending.

[9:34] Naomi Watts and her daughter live across the street.

[9:36] We know that Naomi Watts and her ex-husband are very angry at each other.

[9:40] They don't like each other.

[9:42] Also, when Daniel Craig took the train back into town, he saw Elias Kodeas.

[9:47] You may know him as Casey Jones from the Ninja Turtles movie.

[9:50] You probably know him as Casey Jones.

[9:52] Well, it is maybe his signature role, Casey Jones, from the Ninja Turtles movie.

[9:57] It is.

[9:59] Yeah, name him.

[10:00] And name the other role that's indelibly linked to Elias Kodias.

[10:03] Uh, he was in Lost Highway, right? That was him?

[10:06] Yeah, sure, great.

[10:07] Okay.

[10:07] You obviously remembered everything about the character.

[10:09] Well, where the day takes you, I think that was that.

[10:15] Anywho.

[10:16] Okay.

[10:16] He's probably been a creepo on various, like, CIS-style programs.

[10:20] He's the guy who looks-

[10:21] Law and Order creepo unit.

[10:22] He's the guy who looks like Chris Maloney, I know that.

[10:25] Yeah, I think Chris Maloney-

[10:26] They should be in a buddy cop comedy together.

[10:28] They should be brothers.

[10:29] Brothers who are assigned to the same case.

[10:31] Like my Josh Duhamel Timothy Olyphant project that I'm working on.

[10:34] Timothy Olyphant.

[10:36] He's like, you might as well just go all the way and say Timothy Elephant at that point.

[10:40] Timothy Oilyphant.

[10:42] Timothy Moomakil.

[10:44] What?

[10:44] Huh?

[10:45] Oh, what?

[10:46] I thought we were talking about Lord of the Rings again.

[10:47] No, we're not. Nobody was ever talking about that.

[10:51] So anyway-

[10:51] Okay, well, we lost Stuart. He's walking away from the microphone.

[10:55] He's just getting-

[10:55] He apparently forgot how he did this podcast.

[10:59] He thought that he was out for a round.

[11:00] Oh, there he is.

[11:01] So it turns out his family is dead.

[11:06] He has to get down to the bottom of who killed them because he didn't kill them.

[11:09] Naomi Watts is trying to help him.

[11:11] Things are incredibly slow.

[11:13] What I've told you takes about an hour and a half, but it should take 30 minutes.

[11:18] Yeah, no, the movie is 90 minutes and-

[11:20] It's very slow.

[11:21] The one thing that distinguishes it is the big twist comes halfway through the film.

[11:26] But I'm not done yet with the twists.

[11:29] Oh, there's another twist?

[11:30] Naomi Watts and Craig T. Nelson are in the house together, the abandoned house-

[11:34] I don't think that's right.

[11:34] That he lived in now that he's Burt Ward and not 1010 Wins.

[11:38] And her ex-husband and Elias Kodeas come in.

[11:41] They attack.

[11:42] It turns out Elias Kodeas was a local hitman.

[11:46] Every town's got one.

[11:48] And Naomi Watts is-

[11:48] I think he was a drifter, actually.

[11:50] I think that was the thing.

[11:50] But he hasn't drifted that far during the period that Daniel Craig was in.

[11:54] Usually a drifter doesn't hang out for five years in the town he killed someone in.

[11:57] Exactly.

[11:58] He killed a family in.

[12:00] But it turns out that the ex-husband hired Elias Kodeas to kill Naomi Watts.

[12:06] He got the house wrong and killed Daniel Craig's family.

[12:10] And Rachel Weisz accidentally shot Daniel Craig trying to shoot Elias Kodeas.

[12:14] So put that on his Yelp review.

[12:16] As a hitman.

[12:18] Not afraid to kill children.

[12:19] Unsatisfactory.

[12:20] Not good at reading house numbers.

[12:23] Yeah.

[12:24] It makes you wonder why he didn't check the house number before killing everyone inside.

[12:28] Yeah, it's a big decision.

[12:29] Or just think like, oh, no one mentioned two small children.

[12:33] And the father in this is like-

[12:37] Presumably the guy who hired him wasn't like, oh, and kill my kids, too.

[12:41] Like, that's the other thing about this.

[12:43] Maybe that's why you're not a hitman, Dan.

[12:45] You ask too many questions.

[12:46] Although Hitman Dan is a great name for his show, I guess.

[12:50] His radio show.

[12:50] Yeah, Hitman Dan.

[12:51] About being a hitman.

[12:53] Woo!

[12:53] It's me, Hitman Dan.

[12:55] Playing the hits and killing people.

[12:59] Oh, double shot of the day.

[13:01] Looks like two songs back to back.

[13:03] This one-

[13:03] It's Who Let the Dogs Out and Informer.

[13:06] You play a lot of shitty music on your show.

[13:09] By the way, your show is only crappy music.

[13:11] This one is going out from Jerry in Astoria to Brenda in Staten Island.

[13:16] I'm coming for you, Brenda.

[13:19] And here it is.

[13:20] I Got My Mind Set on You.

[13:22] Oh, that's a good song.

[13:23] Is this a bit or something?

[13:25] Have you been working on this one?

[13:26] Yeah, he- apparently.

[13:29] So they all confront each other in the abandoned house.

[13:33] The ex-husband shoots Elias Kodeas, then takes Daniel Craig-

[13:37] We're like right in the bread basket, right?

[13:38] Right in the junk.

[13:39] Yeah, right in the man junk.

[13:42] Then takes Naomi Watts and Daniel Craig downstairs.

[13:45] And he starts to set up an elaborate thing where it looks like he's going to try to

[13:48] make it look like Daniel Craig shot Naomi Watts and then himself.

[13:50] And then he's like, forget it.

[13:52] I'll just burn the house down.

[13:53] And starts burning the house down.

[13:55] The ghost, Rachel Weisz-

[13:56] Don't want to fall through on the crimes.

[13:58] No, he's really bad.

[13:59] He's terrible.

[14:00] Yeah, they got the wrong family.

[14:03] None of them are very good at crime.

[14:05] Rachel Weisz's ghost is still around.

[14:08] She finds Daniel Craig and says, wake up, wake up.

[14:11] Daniel Craig wakes up.

[14:12] Sure.

[14:12] Saves Naomi Watts.

[14:14] Then goes upstairs.

[14:15] The house starts burning.

[14:17] Elias Kodias traps with his last breath, traps the ex-husband in the basement.

[14:22] Daniel Craig goes upstairs, says goodbye to the ghosts of his daughters and of his wife.

[14:26] Then there's an explosion of fire.

[14:28] He remembers he's in a fucking burning building.

[14:31] And he goes outside and then-

[14:32] Holy shit.

[14:33] Feats don't fail you now.

[14:35] If he had said that again, it would have been great.

[14:37] And then fade out, fade up.

[14:39] Daniel Craig is walking down the street of New York and he looks in the window of a

[14:43] major bookstore and see is the cover of Dream House by Peter Ward.

[14:47] Shakespeare and Company?

[14:48] No, way bigger than that.

[14:49] Oh, wow.

[14:50] This is like a Barnes and Noble and Borders and Shakespeare and Company.

[14:53] Not an NYU official bookstore?

[14:54] I don't think so.

[14:55] They usually don't do displays of bestsellers in the windows of that one.

[14:59] Could be.

[14:59] Yeah, who knows?

[15:00] Hey, I don't know.

[15:00] The Columbia bookstore is a Barnes and Noble, so there you go.

[15:03] Maybe a Hastings?

[15:03] There you go, man.

[15:05] Man, the chains are running the mom and pop university stores out of business.

[15:10] Am I right, guys?

[15:11] Maybe a The Strand?

[15:12] Is that what we're talking about?

[15:13] Maybe a The Strand?

[15:15] I forgot what this podcast is about.

[15:16] It's not the book cast.

[15:18] We're recording that tomorrow.

[15:20] Point is, Daniel Craig has turned his tragedy into dollars.

[15:24] Into cha-ching.

[15:25] He's got a new haircut.

[15:26] He looks great at the end of this movie.

[15:28] Yeah, he does.

[15:28] The money really makes the dead family go down a little easier.

[15:31] Although going into the background of the movie, it makes a little sense because at

[15:36] that point, Daniel Craig, the actor, has found his wife in the actress, Rachel Weisz.

[15:41] If they shot the movie in order, which they may not have.

[15:43] They probably did.

[15:43] Yeah, they usually do.

[15:45] I was looking up the trivia section of IMDb, there's a quote from Daniel Craig where he's

[15:51] like, the movie didn't turn out that well, but I met my wife, so fair trade.

[15:55] I'm like, that's sweet, Daniel Craig, except for we had to watch this movie.

[15:59] Well, we got to imagine Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz doing it, which is pretty entertaining.

[16:03] Pretty hot.

[16:04] And also, it means that this was a fair trade, organic movie, which is great for the environment

[16:08] and for people.

[16:09] Call him James Bond the whole time.

[16:12] I assume she calls him Craigers or Oh Danny Boy.

[16:15] Oh Danny Boy, I like that one.

[16:17] Or Michael Caine.

[16:19] I don't know, why would she fantasize about that?

[16:21] She calls him Spaniel Begg and he calls her Graco Mice.

[16:27] I don't know why.

[16:27] They're pet names, why not?

[16:28] Okay.

[16:30] And they probably-

[16:31] We're learning a lot about Elliot's style of pet naming.

[16:34] Yeah, like my wife, I call her Granielle because her name is Danielle.

[16:38] Okay.

[16:38] My pet name for Dan is Ban, and my pet name for Stuart is Gluart.

[16:47] These are names that sound like other names.

[16:49] That's also your pet name for your horse.

[16:51] Yeah, well, because yeah, she's not very good at being a horse.

[16:56] So there's interesting backstory to this movie.

[16:59] Who was it directed by, Daniel?

[17:00] It was directed by Jim Sheridan, who directed In America, a very lovely film.

[17:06] My Left Foot, in the name of the father.

[17:08] Is your left foot okay?

[17:10] It's feeling a little weird, but thank you for asking.

[17:13] Brothers, that was a movie that-

[17:15] Was Brothers the movie where Mark Wahlberg and his brothers

[17:18] had to track down the man who killed their mother?

[17:20] No, that was Four Brothers.

[17:21] No, that was Andre Benjamin.

[17:23] That was based on the Sons of Skadi Eldor, or whatever.

[17:27] Brothers was based on a Swedish film.

[17:29] That was the one that had What's-Your-Face from Black Swan.

[17:33] Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal.

[17:36] Yeah, that was terrible.

[17:37] That was a movie that I got a screener of it because I'm a Writer's Guild member.

[17:42] And-

[17:43] Bragging, bragging, come on.

[17:44] Guild dropper.

[17:46] And Danielle and I were watching it.

[17:48] And the movie we were watching, Danielle and I were watching it.

[17:53] Druthers is my pet name for that movie.

[17:55] And an hour into the-

[17:57] I was always saying if I had my druthers, he's talking about that movie.

[18:00] Yeah, if I had my copy of Brothers, druthers.

[18:03] It's a two-hour movie.

[18:05] An hour in, the DVD screwed up.

[18:07] The DVD was broken, and it wouldn't play any farther.

[18:10] And Danielle and I were both like, all right, that's fine.

[18:12] You know what?

[18:13] Thanks, DVD.

[18:14] You just saved us an hour.

[18:15] That is a very, not very good movie.

[18:17] Well, I haven't seen that movie.

[18:18] But I did quite like In America.

[18:21] No, In-a-mad-ica.

[18:22] Yeah.

[18:23] So you liked his well-received movie.

[18:25] Yeah.

[18:26] Well, I don't know why you're-

[18:28] You just ruined the popular consensus.

[18:29] You're just claiming that I'm jumping on a bandwagon rather than-

[18:32] Really going out on a limb.

[18:33] That was the good movie.

[18:34] So everyone recognized it as a good movie.

[18:36] No, and I'm glad that you liked a good movie that everybody liked.

[18:39] Okay, so-

[18:41] You know, your taste used to be a little more radical.

[18:43] So what's the deal?

[18:43] This guy, Jim Sheridan, really wanted to make a crappy, spoiler alert, ghost story movie

[18:50] spoiler alert.

[18:51] No, he already said the whole plot.

[18:53] I don't know why you're bothering with spoiler alerts right now.

[18:56] Apparently, Jim Sheridan, I can't imagine this movie being any better than it was.

[19:01] Not because it's a great movie, because it's not very good.

[19:04] But I can't see how the movie would have been made better.

[19:06] But apparently, Jim Sheridan, they shot one version of it, a lot of scenes, and it didn't

[19:10] test well.

[19:11] So they re-shot scenes.

[19:12] And then the company that made it, Morgan Creek, took the movie from him and re-edited

[19:17] it and then put out a trailer, which gave away the twist that Daniel Craig was the one-

[19:23] was Peter Ward.

[19:24] And so in retaliation, Jim Sheridan, Daniel Craig, and Rachel Weisz all said they would

[19:29] not do any press or publicity for the movie.

[19:31] So it was, aside from Daniel Craig meeting and falling in love with Rachel Weisz, it

[19:34] was a very negative experience, it sounds like, for everybody.

[19:37] Now, I don't know why Jim Sheridan thought that he needed to do such a commercial movie

[19:41] when clearly he's the heir to the Sheridan hotel fortune.

[19:46] No, it's spelled totally differently.

[19:47] Sheritan.

[19:48] Okay.

[19:49] But it is very strange.

[19:51] But seriously, folks.

[19:54] It's weird that they would give away the, like, this movie only exists for the twist,

[19:59] and that it was-

[20:00] I remember watching the trailer, and watching the trailer

[20:03] was an experience akin to watching this movie.

[20:05] I'm surprised you remember watching the trailer.

[20:06] I barely remember watching the movie.

[20:08] No.

[20:09] When I watched the trailer, I remember thinking, like,

[20:12] thanks, Hal Swanzy.

[20:14] As the trailer went on, I'm like,

[20:15] I bet I know what the twist of this movie is.

[20:17] And then they gave away the twist of the trailer.

[20:19] I'm like, oh, well, they just gave it away.

[20:21] But watching the movie, that was the same thing.

[20:23] It was like, you know, you pretty much

[20:25] know 20 minutes in what this movie's about.

[20:28] And then they tell you, like, 35, 40 minutes in.

[20:30] Yeah.

[20:31] It's not, well, the thing is, the twist is not,

[20:33] they don't have much to the movie besides the twist.

[20:36] And what I mean by that is they don't have much to sell

[20:38] this movie on besides the twist.

[20:39] Like, it's not exciting.

[20:41] There aren't any good scenes that, like,

[20:43] are visually arresting.

[20:45] So out of context, they might look neat.

[20:46] Like, the build-up before the twist

[20:48] is not interesting or suspenseful.

[20:50] So I can see the people making the trailer being like,

[20:52] we have nothing to work with here.

[20:54] We just have this one twist to sell this thing with.

[20:58] They could have spent a little bit of time leading up

[21:00] to the twist where Daniel Craig is actually, like,

[21:02] exploring this supposed ghost house and, like,

[21:07] and being, like, getting some, if anything,

[21:10] some cheap scares out of it.

[21:12] But they don't really do that.

[21:13] Because Sheridan seems like he doesn't

[21:15] want to make, like, a scary movie.

[21:16] He wants to make, I don't know.

[21:19] He wants to make a psychological exploration of some kind.

[21:22] But the other thing is, like, at this late date in history,

[21:28] you mean compared to, like, ancient Rome?

[21:29] Yeah.

[21:30] But why do we think that, like, having a movie where

[21:33] the twist is, oh, our lead character is actually

[21:37] the guy that he's been investigating the whole time?

[21:40] Like, why at this point in filmmaking history

[21:43] is that enough to hang a movie on?

[21:45] Like, when was the last time that was surprising?

[21:47] Was it Fight Club?

[21:48] I mean, why would you think you could even get away with that?

[21:50] Yeah.

[21:51] Well, that was the only thing that actually intrigued me

[21:53] about the trailer was the fact that the trailer gave

[21:56] that twist away.

[21:57] And I was like, they've got to be holding something bigger

[22:00] up their sleeve.

[22:01] Turns out nothing's up that sleeve.

[22:03] Turns out the sleeve had room for one twist.

[22:05] Except for, like, a scabby arm or something.

[22:08] With, like, a tattoo that wasn't done very well.

[22:10] It's all spelled wrong.

[22:11] And it's out of proportion with itself.

[22:13] Yeah, it just said Daniel plus Rachel.

[22:15] Yeah, but Daniel is spelled with a Y.

[22:17] And Rachel is spelled with an X somehow.

[22:20] Yeah.

[22:20] And the plus is spelled with a minus sign.

[22:23] Just doesn't make sense.

[22:24] Instead of being inside of a heart,

[22:26] it's inside of, like, an octagon.

[22:28] That's pretty meta.

[22:29] Yeah.

[22:30] Is that because a heart is similar to an octagon

[22:33] in the world of MMA fighting?

[22:35] Is that really what the octagon represents?

[22:37] They're fighting for the heart of the audience?

[22:39] Yeah, exactly.

[22:39] Interesting.

[22:41] I don't know, it changes your perspective, doesn't it?

[22:44] MMA sounds like Mixed Martial A-Motions.

[22:46] But yeah, this movie is one of these old-fashioned movies

[22:52] where it's hung on one twist.

[22:54] And it seems interesting at first

[22:56] that the twist comes 45 minutes in.

[22:58] And you're like, what the fuck am I still

[23:00] watching this thing for?

[23:02] Or like, this movie's going to keep going

[23:03] where most movies would end.

[23:05] They're going to take us somewhere we've never been,

[23:07] but they don't.

[23:07] They have nothing to do with it.

[23:08] They spin their wheels for a while,

[23:09] and then they're like, oh, uh.

[23:10] Let's wrap this up in the TV suspense way.

[23:13] Yeah, and then they're like, OK, what do we got?

[23:17] What do we got?

[23:18] Daniel Craig wasn't the killer.

[23:20] It was some other guy.

[23:21] So that twist was kind of not the right twist.

[23:23] I think the real story of this movie

[23:25] is how inept the neighbor is at killing his wife.

[23:28] Yeah, he is terrible.

[23:29] I mean, the whole movie is because this guy doesn't

[23:33] give the guy the right address or his hit man

[23:35] fucks up the address.

[23:36] Yeah.

[23:37] Like, if you change the actors around,

[23:39] this is like a hit man comedy starring Ben Stiller.

[23:43] Yeah.

[23:43] Ben Stiller and Eugene Levy.

[23:45] In Dreamhouse.

[23:46] Oh, when the Eugene Levy's broke and New Orleans got flooded,

[23:49] that was so terrible.

[23:51] So sad.

[23:52] There were so many American Pie movies

[23:54] that just covered that city.

[23:57] It was a real tragedy.

[23:59] It was like that Spike Lee movie when Eugene Levy's broke.

[24:01] And George W. Bush just stood by and did nothing.

[24:05] Yeah, really, he just flew over Eugene Levy's house

[24:08] in a plane looking down.

[24:10] Just a bad visual.

[24:12] What is he saying to America?

[24:14] Is he giving tacit approval to the American Pie series?

[24:17] I mean, the whole country was straight tripping

[24:19] boo at that point.

[24:23] They were straight tripping boo.

[24:27] What movie was that with Queen Latifah?

[24:28] Houseguest?

[24:29] Bringing Down the House.

[24:30] Bringing Down the House.

[24:31] And my favorite thing about it was like a week or two

[24:34] into the release when they were like, this line where he says,

[24:36] you got me straight tripping boo is the only thing we have.

[24:39] So the print ads for the movie would have a word balloon going

[24:43] to Eugene Levy's head that say, you

[24:46] got me straight tripping boo.

[24:47] So people reading the New York Times

[24:50] would see that ad and be like, that's hilarious.

[24:53] He says that?

[24:54] Or like, this is the straight tripping boo movie.

[24:57] I want to see it.

[24:58] I like that your New York Times voice immediately

[25:01] went to Woody Allen.

[25:03] That is hilarious.

[25:05] I was straight tripping boo reading the Times.

[25:08] If I could only read, if I could write that today,

[25:12] people would forget Curse of the Jade Scorpion in a second.

[25:16] I was masturbating to the bra ads.

[25:18] The luckiest Pierre in the world right now.

[25:21] Luckiest Pierre?

[25:22] Yeah.

[25:23] The gay guy in a gay threesome in the middle,

[25:25] the second in the middle, that guy.

[25:26] Is that what that's called?

[25:27] That's the lucky Pierre, yeah.

[25:28] Was he the first guy that that ever happened to?

[25:30] Yeah, he was the first guy named Pierre.

[25:33] So Elliot's checking his phone.

[25:34] Dan, thoughts on Dream House?

[25:38] We just talked about the inept white murderer.

[25:41] It's sort of fascinating that.

[25:42] And then gets killed by Elias Kodeas.

[25:44] You have a solid cast here.

[25:46] You got Daniel Craig.

[25:47] You've got Rachel Weisz.

[25:49] You've got Nicole Kidman.

[25:52] Naomi Watts.

[25:53] Who's kind of like a poor person's Nicole Kidman.

[25:56] Look, they're buddies.

[25:58] Like the phrase is the poor man's Nicole Kidman.

[26:00] Instead of the poor person's Nicole Kidman.

[26:02] It sounds like.

[26:03] I'm trying to keep it politically correct.

[26:05] You got Naomi Watts.

[26:06] Nicole Kidman, the government hands out.

[26:07] You don't have a job.

[26:09] You got Elias Kodeas.

[26:10] But to anybody, man, woman, child.

[26:12] Yeah, robot.

[26:14] You get a Naomi Watts.

[26:15] It's a solid cast of characters.

[26:17] It's a solid director.

[26:19] And then you just get.

[26:20] You wonder what they saw in the screenplay.

[26:24] That they're like, we got to sign on to this project.

[26:26] I assume they all.

[26:28] Yeah.

[26:28] So this.

[26:30] I'm pretty sure you're with me, Dan.

[26:31] This entire movie could have been spiced up

[26:33] with a little bit of nudity.

[26:35] Or a lot of nudity.

[26:36] Let's not limit it.

[26:37] So shower scenes, beach volleyball that goes wrong

[26:41] and cops come off.

[26:43] I mean, it's a little snowy, but that's OK.

[26:45] You might not understand what kind of movie this was.

[26:47] Maybe they have a ghost car wash where the tops go.

[26:50] It would be a ghost Tauntaun wash.

[26:53] I forgot they all ride Tauntaun.

[26:54] I mean, the house is.

[26:55] And the Tauntaun bites their tops off, yeah.

[26:57] The house is condemned, guys.

[26:59] So they got to save it with a ghost car wash.

[27:01] Yeah, that's true.

[27:02] That's the only way you save condemned properties

[27:04] or properties that are going to be rezoned.

[27:06] The next door neighbor's pissed off

[27:07] because he had that idea originally

[27:09] and they stole it from him.

[27:11] Or snaked it out from under him, as we say in the biz.

[27:15] The bikini car wash biz.

[27:17] Is there a lot of terminology for the bikini car wash biz?

[27:20] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[27:21] I've been running a family owned and operated bikini car

[27:23] wash for many years now.

[27:25] Really?

[27:25] Family owned and operated.

[27:27] Speaking of Stewart.

[27:27] It's like you and your mom out washing cars and bikinis.

[27:30] Speaking of Stewart.

[27:31] What the fuck do you say about my mom?

[27:33] I think you'll be interested.

[27:34] I thought we were going to keep this nice.

[27:35] I don't know what's going on here.

[27:37] Off of Dream House, but you'll be

[27:38] interested to learn this news.

[27:39] Elliott, you know, working a couple of offices

[27:45] down from me, I already heard it, but I.

[27:47] Is this about your new shoes?

[27:48] No, no, it's cool.

[27:50] Through eBay, I today acquired a DVD copy

[27:57] of the original bikini car wash.

[27:59] So later on this year, I'll be holding a screening

[28:02] in honor of the 20th anniversary.

[28:04] Oh, that's awesome.

[28:05] Of the release of the bikini car wash company.

[28:07] That makes me feel very old.

[28:08] That bikini car wash company is 20 years old.

[28:10] I also like that you're warning us

[28:12] about your upcoming masturbation episodes.

[28:16] I mean, I didn't expressly say anything about that.

[28:19] Yeah, I mean, it's in the subtext, though.

[28:21] Yeah.

[28:22] But not that there's a problem with that.

[28:24] I think that's cool.

[28:25] No, I thought you might enjoy that.

[28:27] No, I will enjoy that.

[28:29] I'll also borrow it after the screening.

[28:32] And not, and forget to give it back.

[28:35] No, and because of the DVD.

[28:36] Oh, yeah, conveniently so.

[28:38] Because of the DVD, when I return it

[28:39] and you put it into your player,

[28:43] it won't be immediately queued up

[28:46] to some sequence of naked people.

[28:49] That's really why DVD technology was invented.

[28:51] Yeah, this is a very specific conversation

[28:53] you guys are having.

[28:54] So that you can loan pornography to your friend.

[28:56] Okay, what are we talking about?

[28:58] Something about a ghost house.

[29:01] I don't know why you.

[29:02] Because Elliot was fucking playing with his phone

[29:03] and didn't keep it.

[29:04] I was watching a DVD auction that I lost

[29:06] at the last second because I was recording

[29:07] this stupid podcast.

[29:08] I'm sorry.

[29:09] We could lose.

[29:10] It was for a, it's a loss.

[29:13] I'll tell you afterwards.

[29:13] Is it for one of those puppet master action figures

[29:15] I've been looking for?

[29:16] Yes.

[29:16] Full moon toys, castle freak.

[29:18] It was for at the 1939 World's Fair

[29:21] when most Americans at the time encountered television

[29:23] for the first time.

[29:25] They gave out little cards at the RCA booth

[29:27] that said, this is to attest that the so-and-so

[29:30] has been televised and you could fill out

[29:32] the name and date.

[29:34] And there was one on eBay for a lower price

[29:36] than one that I had been looking at.

[29:38] And I lost it at the last second.

[29:39] Someone snaked me.

[29:41] As they say in the bikini car wash biz.

[29:43] Thanks for keeping it.

[29:44] So if that, if the listener of this podcast

[29:46] is the one who snaked me, stop listening right now.

[29:48] Your Flophouse license has been revoked.

[29:51] Go watch Dreamhouse.

[29:52] That's what you're getting.

[29:53] Your ears are no good here.

[29:55] Yeah.

[29:56] So this has been a kind of scatterbrained episode

[29:57] of the Flophouse for a little bit, but.

[29:59] Similar to Daniel.

[30:00] Greg's character in Scream House.

[30:02] In Scream Mouse.

[30:04] It's like Scream, but with mice.

[30:09] So yeah, it's a movie that kind of is a lot of padding,

[30:14] not good twists.

[30:15] Similar to this podcast.

[30:18] Direct correlations.

[30:19] So I guess we should probably give some final judgments on it.

[30:22] Should we figure out if it's horrifyingly scarifying or spookily funny?

[30:25] We should give some final judgments on Scream Mouse, or Fivell Goes Crazy.

[30:33] Perfectly done.

[30:34] Can't wait till Fivell Goes Crazy and Fivehead meet up.

[30:39] Is it a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked?

[30:43] Stuart, what do you say about this?

[30:45] I kind of went into this hoping it was going to be a movie I kind of liked.

[30:52] And I think it could have been a movie I kind of liked

[30:54] if they spent more time actually capitalizing off of the fact

[30:59] that they put the twist right in the middle of the movie

[31:02] and actually went in, as I think as Elliot put it,

[31:05] went in a different direction.

[31:07] But they really didn't.

[31:08] They went in the most boring way possible.

[31:11] And for a movie that spends so much time having characters

[31:14] look at each other and talk about stupid shit,

[31:17] they don't actually really develop any characters

[31:20] other than the fact that we know somebody's a ghost.

[31:23] And somebody's crazy.

[31:24] So bad, bad movie.

[31:27] Yeah, I'm going to say bad, bad movie, too.

[31:30] This movie could have been maybe a little bit of a surprise.

[31:35] I mean, like I said, it's got a good director.

[31:37] It's got a good cast.

[31:38] Maybe it could be like a little bit of a sleeper.

[31:40] But the thing is, there is nothing to this movie other than the twist.

[31:45] Like, this is a movie that is completely set up as a game.

[31:49] OK, this is a guy who is going back to his family.

[31:52] He's being terrorized by people because there's

[31:54] a murderer on the loose.

[31:56] No, wait, it's him.

[31:57] And then we're going to burn a little time up.

[32:02] And then we're going to discover that the murderer was actually

[32:04] another guy and then roll credits.

[32:07] And that's all there is to it.

[32:08] And it was boring.

[32:09] I mean, as soon as you see Elias Kodias, you assume he's the murderer.

[32:12] Yeah, there's no other reason for him to be there.

[32:14] There's no reason for him to be in the movie.

[32:16] Oh, this is another name actor, sort of.

[32:19] This would be a good story if it was like a five or six page

[32:22] easy comics like story hosted by the Crypt Keeper or the Old Witch

[32:26] or someone like that.

[32:29] But it's just trying to set up a Crypt Keeper impression.

[32:32] You got me.

[32:33] Oh, boy.

[32:34] The Scream House.

[32:35] Anyway, but the yeah, there's just like not there's nothing there.

[32:40] And it's a waste of talent.

[32:42] I just think about it's like the Crypt Keeper missed the obvious pun.

[32:48] He looks like it's a real dream horse.

[32:54] There's no horse in there.

[32:55] Hold on.

[32:55] What do you say?

[32:56] There's no horse in there.

[32:57] That's not scary at all.

[33:02] I'm sorry.

[33:03] I've been very tired.

[33:04] There's been problems at home.

[33:07] Really giving us a real look into the Crypt Keeper's private life.

[33:11] I would say that I would say look at the Crypt Keeper's privates.

[33:15] Dan, how old are you?

[33:18] So I'm sorry, Dan just suddenly turned into a seven year old.

[33:21] I said privates.

[33:22] I said private life.

[33:24] And Dan in his mind just went to privates.

[33:29] I am appalled.

[33:31] No, but think about it, Elliot.

[33:32] What would the Crypt Keeper's privates look like?

[33:33] They've rotted away.

[33:34] There's nothing there.

[33:36] It's just a pelvic bone.

[33:37] Yeah, there's not even a bone there.

[33:39] I mean, that's the kind of soft tissue that really goes away almost instantly.

[33:43] What if it was perfectly preserved?

[33:45] Like one of those bully sticks you feed your dog.

[33:50] But what if it was perfectly preserved?

[33:56] What situation are you hoping comes out of that?

[33:59] It's like this is sort of speculative fiction.

[34:03] Well, we dealt with what if Petty bit a dinosaur.

[34:06] You need to take that idea and run with it.

[34:09] That's what you guys do as writers.

[34:10] Yeah.

[34:11] I'm still dealing with what happens if Penny or Tom Petty meets a dinosaur.

[34:16] Oh, man.

[34:17] Can we move on?

[34:18] We all said good, bad, right?

[34:21] We all said good, good movie.

[34:24] This is our favorite movie of the year.

[34:26] Give this the Oscar.

[34:27] We all gave it a rent.

[34:28] We all say it was robbed, W-U-Z, robbed.

[34:31] So before we use the letters, a little bit of business.

[34:34] A little bib of business.

[34:36] I would like to thank people for some donations to the podcast.

[34:42] They will be retracting those donations after your privates joke.

[34:47] Thank you to Dimitri T., Andrew Q., and James E.

[34:53] for your generous donations to the Flophouse.

[34:56] Thank you.

[34:57] We appreciate it.

[34:58] I'm assuming we went to the bikini car wash auction.

[35:01] And now-

[35:02] You're what's keeping this bird going.

[35:05] To move on, we have an email from first name withheld, Maxwell.

[35:13] Interesting.

[35:13] And the email is titled, you know what you did.

[35:17] Last summer.

[35:18] And he goes on to say, you made my night.

[35:23] That's I was really worried.

[35:25] I had the night off on Friday, January 20th.

[35:27] And rather than attend an opening night, Times Square

[35:30] showing a future Flopcast film, The Gray.

[35:32] I don't know about that.

[35:33] It's been getting good reviews.

[35:35] It has not been.

[35:35] I'll watch it on my own.

[35:37] It has been getting good reviews.

[35:38] From where?

[35:39] A lot of places.

[35:40] Harry Knowles on Ain't It Cool News.

[35:41] Oh, OK.

[35:42] Yeah.

[35:43] He's going to put it in Buttnumathon.

[35:45] He says, I trekked down to the mouth of Jersey,

[35:47] AKA the Holland Tunnel, AKA Daylight starring Sylvester Stallone,

[35:51] to listen to your-

[35:52] I forgot they renamed that tunnel after the movie.

[35:55] To listen to your golden gods of podcasting.

[35:57] It was a joy.

[35:58] I drank fairly heavily throughout the film.

[36:00] And you were a perfect gentleman in allowing me to engage you afterwards

[36:04] and not noticeably scan the room for escape routes.

[36:07] Dan, you got engaged?

[36:08] Congratulations.

[36:09] I mean, I've been married for quite some time, but I-

[36:13] Have you told her?

[36:14] Anyway, continue.

[36:15] As much as I'd heard about Stewart being the handsome one, I was still impressed-

[36:19] When did this all burn?

[36:21] No.

[36:22] I don't get it.

[36:23] As much as I'd heard about Stewart being the handsome one-

[36:25] It was right.

[36:25] I was still impressed with the jawline on that motherfucker.

[36:29] Matt of I Love Bad Movies even said we were twins.

[36:31] Swoon.

[36:33] I really wanted to write a love letter to you three.

[36:36] You made my life better.

[36:38] I listened to old episodes while I do housework, equals points with girlfriend.

[36:42] Dream housework.

[36:43] Elliot's constant references to the old ones in the works of H.P.

[36:46] Lovecraft have had me reading a collected works volume that I'm loving.

[36:50] Oh, good.

[36:51] And Stewart gave me his mustache when he was done with it.

[36:55] I can't wait to see Marmaduke's second movement and hoot and holler

[36:58] when Flophouse Brothers comes up as a written by credit.

[37:02] So that's one from First Name Without Maxwell.

[37:05] Thanks, Mr. Maxwell.

[37:06] And I want to read a second letter from someone who attended the show

[37:12] titled, I wish all the movies I watched featured commentary by you three.

[37:16] Just was writing in to say my girlfriend and I were fortunate enough

[37:20] to make it to your screening.

[37:21] Hey, what's Schindler doing up there?

[37:22] Writing the list?

[37:24] Hey, buddy, what you doing?

[37:25] Hey, why is he driving so fast?

[37:27] Hey, drive.

[37:29] Hey, that horse is in a war.

[37:30] It's got a war horse.

[37:33] Anyway, you're saying?

[37:34] He says, just writing to say my girlfriend and I were fortunate enough

[37:37] to make it to a screening of 12 rounds, your screening of 12 rounds.

[37:41] You guys were hilarious.

[37:43] We had a great time.

[37:45] From Danny Patrick, Last Name Withheld.

[37:49] So there you go.

[37:50] So we went to our screening of 12 rounds, not a different screening of 12 rounds.

[37:54] Yeah, I mean, there aren't that many screenings.

[37:56] Not here, but in New Orleans, I think it's still playing.

[37:58] Oh, man, it's the town movie.

[38:02] Well, thanks, everyone, for coming to that screening.

[38:05] I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[38:06] Yeah, I had a lot of fun.

[38:07] Yeah, and we had a great crowd that night and a lot of great fans there.

[38:10] I don't want to tip anything before we have anything set up.

[38:15] We are in talks for another.

[38:16] Stop tease.

[38:17] Are we?

[38:18] We are.

[38:19] Yeah, I think we are.

[38:20] Nobody tells me anything.

[38:21] Yeah, well, you're just going to have to tell me.

[38:24] Yeah, well, you're just talent.

[38:27] Just tell me where to be.

[38:30] I mean, we don't do it that frequently.

[38:32] Yeah, we'll probably do it in like four or five months.

[38:34] It's like, it happens twice a year.

[38:36] It's next week, guys.

[38:37] Ah, dee dee dee dee dee dee.

[38:40] They've got just one week to pretend they know what they're talking about and then forget that.

[38:48] So thank you to everyone who came out.

[38:52] We had a lot of people come out from other cities.

[38:55] Yeah.

[38:56] Yeah.

[38:57] Wow.

[38:58] Even other countries.

[38:59] Yeah.

[39:00] And then from Toronto.

[39:01] There were people who were in town who came.

[39:02] Look, I'll take it.

[39:03] I'll take it, Elliot.

[39:04] Okay.

[39:05] Yeah.

[39:06] Well, no, it's still great.

[39:07] No, there was two guys from Boston who came down just for the show.

[39:11] Took a bus down from Boston just to see us.

[39:14] I can only imagine listening to this podcast the whole way.

[39:18] Just to psych themselves up.

[39:20] Yeah.

[39:21] To familiarize themselves with their favorite characters.

[39:24] Sure.

[39:25] Like who?

[39:26] Stuart.

[39:27] Rocket Crocodile.

[39:28] Stuart.

[39:29] Et cetera.

[39:30] Hookhanded Dan.

[39:33] Oliver Sudden.

[39:35] Yeah.

[39:36] Everyone's favorite.

[39:37] Oliver Sudden.

[39:39] Mentioned once.

[39:41] Forgotten about.

[39:43] And Babylon AD.

[39:45] The baby character from the Lost episode.

[39:51] This email is titled, Concerns for Dan's Safety.

[39:56] Okay.

[39:57] And it goes, Dearest Flophouse,

[40:00] Your podcast has brought me countless hours of entertainment. Elliot's quick

[40:05] wit and charm quickly warmed its way into my heart. Oh, thank you. I would say

[40:10] wormed its way, but whatever. No, warmed is much nicer than wormed. Stewart's love of

[40:14] ding-dong ripping and musings on the inner structures of Duckburg only

[40:18] brightens days that have already been luminous and warm. Thanks to me. And Dan.

[40:23] Oh, what can we said about Dan? Nothing. The Leonardo of the original Peaches. The

[40:28] Cyclops Scrooge McDuck. Dan's considerable talent in, uh, well, I'll get back to you on

[40:36] that one. I write to you. Ouch, letter burn. Meowsers. The Flophouse and Dan

[40:42] specifically because I'm really concerned for your safety. Does this involve you sitting on an

[40:47] exercise ball? Let's get to it. Okay. Not only does your podcast feature a

[40:52] notorious serial killer, Elliot. No, I've killed nobody and there's no evidence

[40:56] linking me to it. But... And Anne Hathaway will back me up on that. But with the

[41:00] mounting tensions... You're an ex-girlfriend? No. With the mounting tensions between Dan and Stewart over the

[41:06] film Cool World and the recent revelation that Dan is in fact a giant

[41:12] teddy bear... I forgot about that, yeah. I fear for the worst. We've really built such a

[41:17] complicated backstory. It's the mythos of our, uh, friendship. Yeah. We can call it a friendship at

[41:23] this point. Oh, I thought you were going to say we can call it a mythos. Yeah. Many know of Stewart's wish to kill a bear with a

[41:29] flamethrower and I can only imagine that the temptation has grown worse after

[41:33] starting a podcast with one. Sure. Every two or three weeks a bear is so close

[41:38] that he could easily burn it alive. It's made out of very flammable plush. Is this

[41:43] where the Stewart and Dan feud began? Must Stewart be restrained during the

[41:47] recording of the podcast or else Dan would no longer be with us? I fear that

[41:50] one day Dan's lovely wife Sarah and his cat will awaken to find nothing but a

[41:54] pile of ash where the great perversoid number one once stood. Who else will

[41:59] creepily comment on the butts of another man's wife? Who else will repeat song

[42:04] lyrics as if they were making a joke? I hate that. And most importantly, who will

[42:08] Elliot one-up after winning another Emmy? Yes. A world without Dan McCoy is not

[42:14] one I wish to imagine. So Dan, I see but one option. You must kill Stewart with a

[42:19] flamethrower before he kills you. Flamethrowers at dawn, as they used to

[42:24] say. Wait a minute. Hopefully my fears will be put to bed soon, but I have a

[42:28] feeling that Stewart is a quicker draw with a flamethrower than you. No offense.

[42:32] Sincerely, Matt, last name withheld. Or it might give me an opportunity to rise

[42:36] from the ashes like a powerful phoenix. Yeah, yeah. Or not. I'll just die. Probably. So it

[42:43] sounds like our listeners are instigating a little bit of a fire feud

[42:47] between you two fellows. Sure. One of us, like Kirk Cameron, one of us is gonna be

[42:58] fireproof. Probably because one of us doesn't look at internet porno. You know,

[43:02] well, that's neither of you. Yeah. The only the only reason I could think that either

[43:06] of you doesn't look at internet porno is because you have like a real doll or a

[43:09] fleshlight or something. Our wireless network is down. Yeah. And the

[43:17] dial-up takes so long. Oh man, don't get me started. Come on. So you've gone to

[43:22] paper only. Yep. Only Tijuana Bibles for this guy. This is the old-fashioned type of one. I like to see Blondie get a nice Roger

[43:30] King from an old-time gangster. While Dagwood looks on horrified. They don't do

[43:40] real, they don't do modern Tijuana Bibles anymore. You don't have like Garfield

[43:43] Tijuana Bibles. I mean, I'd probably read him. I'm sure, I'm sure in some terrifying

[43:50] corner of the internet you can find Garfield having sex with lasagna. Yeah.

[43:55] How would that even happen? Well, Odie jokes himself or something. Yeah. Wow. It

[44:00] sounds like you've made this already or seen it. It just flows out of my mouth.

[44:04] Similar to the novel that Daniel Craig's character in Dreamhouse is writing. Yeah,

[44:09] because it came out of his mouth. And I'm sure, I can just see the blurb on

[44:13] Dreamhouse says, a chilling thriller. Don't know why the Garfield lasagna sex

[44:17] scene. Buy Dreamhouse, but skip pages 400 through 403. On the note of, did your soul

[44:29] just leave your body? What would that sound? Well, thinking about Garfield fucking

[44:33] lasagna, my soul did leave my body a little bit, but I caught it. I caught it

[44:36] before it could fully escape. Okay, good. But on the note of me being a giant teddy

[44:40] bear, I'd like to mention that Flophouse fan Govind, I hope that I'm saying that

[44:47] right. You probably are. He has done three delightful pieces of, or horrifying,

[44:53] depending on your... Sure. But delightful pieces of Flophouse fan art. Okay. Or fart.

[44:59] Of me as a bear that will be put up along with this episode. At the Flophouse

[45:06] gallery, also known as the web page. Also known as www.theflophousepodcast.com. Or Flophouse podcast. There should be a section of... Or the day gallery, if you look at it during the day. Not open. This gallery is going out of business. No one wants to go to an art

[45:22] gallery at 3 in the morning. We should have a section of the website just for

[45:26] fan art. There's been a lot of it by this point. If I have been... I want to buy a lot. Well, at least four. If I've been a

[45:33] good webmaster... Which you haven't. Those pieces should probably be tagged with

[45:39] fan art. But they may not be. Yeah, well, I mean, it just might be nice to get

[45:44] them all in one place. Probably if you click on the tab fan art,

[45:50] you'll see them. But what if there was like a page... Let's move on with these letters. Well, Stuart is the

[45:57] peacemaker for once. Not just the freshmaker. So, this last letter

[46:05] is from Brian Lastname Withheld. I'm assuming it's Brian Austin Green. And

[46:13] it's titled, Thanks for 2011. It's probably Brian Austin Green now. Hey Flop Crew, 2011 was a

[46:21] particularly difficult year for me. Nothing too bad. Just little things like

[46:26] losing my house, like many other people have, and dealing with my wife's

[46:30] unemployment for most of the year. And thus, keeping up with far too many bills.

[46:34] It's been a little stressful dealing with such things while raising a young

[46:37] toddler and making sure all these things never really touched her in a way that

[46:40] was too detrimental. So, when I hear the deep mournful sighs from Dan, I can think,

[46:45] hey, things could be worse. Seriously though, I've been listening for years and

[46:53] I appreciate the time and effort all three of you take to consistently make a

[46:57] podcast that's lasted as long as it has. Just even taking the time out of

[47:01] your busy schedules through work changes and everything else to get a podcast out

[47:05] semi-regularly, I appreciate that you guys continue to do it. I'm not saying

[47:10] you have to do it forever because hopefully someday every piece of cinema

[47:13] will be a masterpiece as Hollywood perfects its craft. Oh no, entropy goes

[47:18] the other way. It's just been nice to have something familiar and funny and

[47:22] enjoyable to listen to and forget about stress every now and then. I wish I could

[47:26] have donated to the podcast more often, but I'm glad to hear that Dan can afford

[47:31] to keep the podcast going easier now. Thanks for 2011 and 2010 and 2009 while

[47:37] I'm at it. Brian, last name withheld. Oh Brian, that was really sweet. Thank you.

[47:40] Very sweet and all jokes aside, thank you for listening and also speaking of

[47:49] donations, I think you are exempt from ever doing any donations ever again and

[47:54] I feel like we need to refund the donations that you may have made in the

[47:58] past. I'd say the opposite. We gave him a lot emotionally and he has to

[48:03] repay us for that. Dan needs to own multiple DVD copies of

[48:10] the Bikini Car Wash. He only has one. Only one. What if I want to loan one out?

[48:16] Then I don't have it. In the middle of the night, if I want to watch Bikini Car Wash Company, what am I supposed to do?

[48:23] You'll be literally shit out of luck. Why literally? I don't understand. You'll be literally shit out of luck.

[48:29] You'll be literally up a river without a paddle. I don't think so. You will be literally dying.

[48:36] Well, thank you. Yeah, Brian, don't donate anymore. You need that money and we

[48:40] appreciate it. Thank you very much. Yeah, but we did have a pretty good 2011.

[48:45] We made some jokes, did our first live show. You got married. I got married.

[48:50] You guys came to that thing. Yeah, it was great. Had a bachelor's party. It's true.

[48:56] In Baltimore for some reason. In beautiful Baltimore. Not in Baltimore. In Glen Burnie.

[49:03] I just needed to pick at that scab a little bit. And I'm glad that Dan was able to take on his

[49:09] Dirty Dan persona and go down with us to the sunny Glen Burnie, Maryland.

[49:14] That's a story for another time on Flophouse Chronicles. You'll read that on the...

[49:18] The young Flophouse Chronicles. I thought it was Flophouse Nights.

[49:22] Flophouse Nights, our Cinemax show. Spelled with a K.

[49:26] Oh, wait, so are we crime fighters? Yes.

[49:28] Oh, okay. I misread what the show is like. Yeah, it's okay.

[49:32] But yeah, I thought we did some good shows in 2011. We got picked up more listeners.

[49:37] We got picked up for the back nine. That was nice.

[49:40] What's going on here? I think we just lost some listeners.

[49:45] Wait, I hear somehow the sound of people shutting off their computers and throwing them into the

[49:49] river. Same river podcast.

[49:53] Well, the river of life.

[49:56] So I guess this is the point in the podcast where...

[50:00] make some recommendations. Sure. Movies that people might actually enjoy. And when do we plug stuff?

[50:06] At the end, after this. Stuart, you seem raring to go though. Do you have any recommendations of

[50:12] a movie that listeners might like to see? Well, people that have been listening for a while

[50:17] probably know that I like myself a good Dirty Dozen-y style war movie. Men on a Mission,

[50:24] sure. Exactly. And this week's recommendation is no different. I am recommending Invisible Maniac.

[50:33] I don't think you've recommended that type of movie before, actually.

[50:37] Listeners know that Stuart loves musicals set in the 30s. So another one of those. Castle Freak.

[50:46] So I'm going to recommend a little... I think over four years you've recommended three movies.

[50:50] I'm going to be recommending a movie called Ironclad, starring James Purifoy as a grouchy

[51:02] Knights Templar who leads a rag-tag bunch of dudes against an evil English king.

[51:07] So if you like watching a movie set in the Middle Ages where a bunch of dudes hit each other in the

[51:12] head with axes and their heads totally explode and Brian Cox gets both of his hands chopped off

[51:19] before being thrown against a wall with a trebuchet, go see the movie Ironclad. And

[51:24] all serious, Liz. That's very specific. Is that a section in the store or

[51:30] is that an official genre? It's under the Brian Cox section. Excuse me, can you point me to your

[51:36] Knights get hit in the head with axes and their heads explode section? Yeah, it's right behind

[51:42] romance. It's actually go through the beaded curtain, that's porno, then go to the next

[51:47] beaded curtain. That's the Knights getting hit in the head. I'm so upset of porno, which is

[51:52] Knights getting hit in the head. Mike, I will admit watching the movie you're not going to be

[51:56] like, oh wow this is amazing, I'm looking at movies in a whole new light. I get a certain

[52:02] pleasure from watching a movie where you know all these awesome battlers are all going to die and

[52:06] one dude at the end is going to be like, oh spoiler alert, oh we managed to survive somehow,

[52:11] but only one chode is still alive. So is that dialogue from the movie? Avast ye chodes!

[52:21] But the thing is, well, yon chodes will be no match for my armies. Let me sell this movie.

[52:25] Okay, keep selling. Paul Giamatti plays an evil English king and he's great. He's got at least

[52:30] one or two great speeches. You got Brian Cox, you got Mackenzie Crook in a non-Pirates of the

[52:36] Caribbean or office role. You have James Purefoy for some reason playing like a grim loner, which

[52:44] James Purefoy is easily at his best when he plays like kind of a crazy guy like in on the TV show

[52:48] Rome, but whatever. But it's really fucking gory. It's like watching an entire movie that's just

[52:55] the Battle of Helm's Deep, but instead of orcs you have dudes who are about to get their heads

[52:59] smashed in and it's super gory and they play the same music and it's pretty awesome. So check that.

[53:06] All right, Dan. I inquired. You know, I haven't seen a lot of movies, but as it happens,

[53:13] I saw a good movie with Daniel Craig in it and that was the American version of

[53:20] Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. Yeah, it's good. It's a movie that I was actually

[53:26] sort of surprised it wasn't a bigger hit. Like it did not do a lot of box office,

[53:34] particularly. It wasn't Buffo B.O. is what you're saying. No, it didn't. What you're

[53:37] saying is the Hicks picks. It's the. Are you saying that right before the holidays,

[53:44] people weren't into watching a Swedish movie set in Sweden about rape? A Swedish rape conspiracy

[53:50] movie or a rape conspiracy movie. It was not a big hit. It was not did not open huge. It did

[53:55] not open huge. You would think with the success of the New York Giants that New York Giants owner

[54:01] something Mara, his daughter in a movie. Wait, I'm basically. Wait, no, I fucked that up.

[54:07] Well, I think that Rooney Mara is like weirdly related to the guy who owns the New York Giants.

[54:13] I did not know that. Yeah. Fun fact. Film fun fact. It wasn't that fun. Not that fun. I know

[54:18] I messed up. OK, chill out. Continue. I'm looking at a really small cat on my phone.

[54:23] OK, but no, I I sort of expected a movie that was based on a international bestseller to open

[54:32] larger. But the thing is, like it's had some legs. I saw it. I saw it late in its run.

[54:38] And it was Stuart Trudeau's word is showing a tiny cat on this phone.

[54:45] It looks like a bumblebee in cat form. Late in its run, we saw it in a completely full theater.

[54:52] And I think that's a testament to the fact that it has legs like people are talking about

[54:56] it and enjoying it. And it's a movie that takes some of the lessons. It's not as good as Zodiac,

[55:02] but it takes some of the lessons that I think that David Fincher learned making Zodiac and

[55:06] applies it to a fiction movie. Some of the lessons he forgot when he made Benjamin Button. Right.

[55:12] But it takes it's a you know, it's a serial killer film and a mystery film that has a

[55:18] legitimate slow burn. But it like the tension mounts very effectively. And it's a movie where

[55:26] there's a fairly complex mystery story that's told. At times, almost entirely visually,

[55:33] but you still follow exactly what the clues are that Daniel Craig is putting together,

[55:39] and it makes it makes total sense. And Rooney Mara does a great job as Elizabeth Salander.

[55:45] And it's just it's just a really entertaining movie that I would hate to think is, you know,

[55:52] sort of a footnote in David Fincher's career when for whatever reason, like fucking Benjamin Button

[55:58] was like a big movie. So the movie you're recommending is Curious Case of Benjamin

[56:04] Button. Yes, 100 percent. I'm 100 percent. Curious George of Benjamin Button.

[56:10] I will recommend another serial killer movie. It's Serial Killer Night on the

[56:15] except for your movie and the movie we watched. This is a movie called The Chaser.

[56:20] Ironclad. Yeah. The Chaser, which is a Korean movie about a former cop who has been kicked

[56:27] off the force. And now he's a pimp. And he finds that one of the girls in his stable has been

[56:33] kidnapped by a serial killer. And he has to figure out what's going on and find her. He

[56:38] thinks that his girls are being kidnapped and sold by somebody. He doesn't realize that they

[56:42] are being killed by the serial killer. And he and the police are keep coming into cross purposes

[56:48] and running into each other while trying to catch and contain this guy. And there are a lot of very

[56:56] good suspense scenes. It's a really grim movie and it gets grimmer. But it is a good example of the

[57:03] Korean thriller genre that's been doing it flourishing over the past five or six years

[57:10] or however long. And I also want to touch on if you are a really big fan of the Magna Carta

[57:16] document. Ironclad is also good for fans of the Magna Carta guys. Yeah. I'm a huge fan of limiting

[57:23] the powers of King John. So I'm definitely going to get to watch Ironclad. Can we plug our things

[57:29] now, Dan? Sure. Why not? Do people have things to plug? I have a ton of shit. Sure. I just have

[57:35] one thing. First off, let me start. I don't know about you guys, but this weekend I got some big

[57:40] plans. What? I'm going to crack a couple of brewskis and go see our pal Nick Cage in the

[57:46] hit thriller Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance. Are you plugging a movie you're not even involved

[57:51] with? You're plugging the Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance movie? I thought that's what we do when

[57:56] we play. We talk about what we're doing over the weekend. Are you getting money from Neville

[58:00] Dean and Taylor? I don't understand. No, I just wanted to see if you guys wanted to go see Ghost

[58:05] Rider Spirit of Vengeance. Well, you could have asked us that off air. It's not a plug. But I

[58:11] thought our FlopFast fans would want to go see it. Okay. With you? I mean, maybe. So go to a movie

[58:17] theater. Somewhere in the New York City area. On a weekend. It's possible that we'll all be there.

[58:23] Cracking beers, watching Ghost Rider. Well, I have an actual plug for a thing. I got another

[58:30] one. Let me go with this one and then you can go to yours. The next in my rapidly diminishing

[58:37] series of film screenings is coming up. Diminishing? Why? My series closely watched

[58:42] films is coming to a close due to my over scheduling of myself. And at some point in

[58:49] the future, I'll show movies again at 92 I Tribeca, but I have two months left and then I

[58:53] am going to draw this series to a close. Take a hiatus. Take a very long hiatus. And so on the

[58:59] first Thursday in March, which I think is March 1st, I will be showing The Great Northfield,

[59:06] Minnesota Raid, a really great 70s Western crime action comedy starring Cliff Robertson and Robert

[59:16] Duvall. It's about the James Younger gang trying to knock off a bank in Minnesota and totally

[59:22] screwing it up completely. And it's a really good like kind of this patchy, but in a really

[59:28] interesting, fun way, 70s Western that's been overlooked by most people. And that will be 730

[59:36] p.m. first Thursday in March. And my guest will be Jason Jones, correspondent for The Daily Show

[59:40] with Jon Stewart. And you may know him. Mr. Samantha Bee. Yeah, he may know him as Mr.

[59:46] Samantha Bee. Hollywood Kaelin over here calling in the big guns. Oh, yeah. Well, I only got two

[59:50] shows left. I got to bring in big guests. Who's next? Hugh Jackman? Yes, Hugh Jackman. No, not

[59:55] Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman. But so Jason Jones and me will talk The Great Northfield, Minnesota

[1:00:00] a really fun movie and I also want to plug March 8th at Charlene's Bar is

[1:00:06] going to be a Purim party for all you non-jews out there that's a costume

[1:00:10] party it's gonna be a lot of fun they're gonna be doing raffles for charity at

[1:00:16] Charlene's Bar on 353 Flatbush in Brooklyn New York please come down it's

[1:00:20] gonna be a lot of fun I'm sure I'll be dressed up as something really cool like

[1:00:24] Nicolas Cage or something yeah or Drongo Marenghi what's his name from

[1:00:30] boyfriend school Drongo Marenghi from boyfriend school that's as cool as it

[1:00:35] gets yeah Elliot will be what all women want some kind of an old-timey movie

[1:00:40] actor and Dan will be a muscle man or something awesome yeah real life so yeah

[1:00:49] this is the part of the show where we end the show you mean the end of the

[1:00:54] show it's called whenever we end the show you get this look on your face like

[1:00:58] you're about to pull one over on us yeah like you got your James Franco look

[1:01:01] yeah suddenly the abominable dr. fives is running the show this whole thing has

[1:01:06] been a trick and you're trapped in my infernal machine oh no you mean your

[1:01:10] apartment yep so PS I love you and goodnight good luck you know what maybe

[1:01:19] we should take care of the steward in the show hey guys thanks for listening

[1:01:22] again for some reason my name is Stuart my name is Elliot my name is Dan thanks

[1:01:28] for listening goodnight or good morning deuces juicy

[1:01:43] are you moving the microphone like you don't want me to talk in this episode

[1:01:46] no I'm trying cuz I'm kind of the meat mm-hmm in the flap house sandwich what

[1:01:52] would I be the mayonnaise at that point yeah emphasis on man oh wait the mayonnaise

[1:01:58] yeah and Dan is the plate

The Flop House: Episode #96 - Dream House

Transcript

Description