The Flop House: Episode #97 - Awards Floptacular 2012

Dan McCoy

[0:00] It's the 2012 Awards Flop-tacular, where all of Hollywood's dimmest stars come out to shine!

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:40] I said that the way you say Stuart Wellington.

[0:41] That's pretty good.

[0:42] Hey. Hey, it's the traditionally cursed episode.

[0:45] Don't say hey to us.

[0:46] What?

[0:46] Treat us like human beings. We're not animals.

[0:49] Hey, would you like some of this hay, Elliot?

[0:51] Yes, I guess I am an animal. I enjoy eating hay.

[0:54] Because you're a ruminant.

[0:56] What?

Dan McCoy

[0:57] You eat it, and it goes into one of your four stomachs.

Elliott Kalan

[0:59] I have a wife. I hardly call her a roommate.

[1:01] Yeah, we live in the same place, but...

[1:03] Okay, this is the worst who's on first ever.

Dan McCoy

[1:07] No, I was just saying that this is our...

[1:08] Four stomachs.

[1:10] Four stomachs.

[1:12] I thought that my four stomachs material was going to kill you guys, but no.

[1:17] This is our awards flop-tacular episode.

[1:20] What's that mean?

[1:21] It means that it's the one episode a year where we don't watch a movie beforehand.

[1:27] Any at all.

[1:28] What about the awards?

[1:30] The Academy Awards.

[1:31] What awards would those be?

[1:32] The Academy Awards of the Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

[1:36] Oscars.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37] Oh, yeah.

[1:38] The Grouchies.

[1:39] No.

[1:39] The awards given out by Oscar the Grouch for Best Garbage.

[1:43] The Grimsby's.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] So, and we're also recording this on a leap day, so there's a good chance that it'll get...

[1:50] It'll get crazy.

[1:52] ...sucked into a portal of time.

[1:54] I don't know why that would happen.

[1:56] Because don't these things only happen on grand conjunctions or something?

[2:00] I don't.

[2:01] Just once every four years.

[2:02] No, okay.

Dan McCoy

[2:02] Now, what's it gonna...

[2:03] What it means, actually...

[2:04] Grand conjunctivitis is what you're at.

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:06] What it means, actually, Stuart, is that because your apprenticeship was set to end with this

[2:11] podcast, you're actually forced to do this podcast for another four years.

Stuart Wellington

[2:16] Oh, wow.

[2:17] Yeah.

[2:18] It's unfortunate.

[2:18] My Sorcerer's Apprenticeship?

[2:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:21] That's a movie we watched for the Flophouse earlier this year, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[2:24] That's a callback to all our listeners.

Dan McCoy

[2:25] We'll do some other callbacks later on in the show, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] Yep, and some back calls and some cock balls.

[2:31] That's...

[2:31] You take callback and you move the A-L-L and the C-K.

[2:34] Why?

[2:34] Does it mean something else?

[2:36] Not that I can think of.

[2:37] Okay, good.

Dan McCoy

[2:38] So, the Oscars.

[2:41] NASCAR's Highest Hour.

[2:43] I tell by our rambling that it was a really exciting broadcast.

[2:47] Was it?

[2:47] There was Billy Crystal singing.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] Billy Crystal sang that stupid song he sings every year.

[2:53] I mean, that's already...

Stuart Wellington

[2:54] Acrobatics?

[2:55] I mean, I don't know about you guys, but I was already concerned that it was going to

[2:59] be boring when I saw that Billy Crystal was hosting.

[3:03] No offense to Billy Crystal, he's just done that a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[3:05] No, that is the only way Billy Crystal can take that is with offense.

[3:08] You mean?

[3:09] He's done that a lot.

[3:10] Whoa!

[3:10] Low blow.

[3:12] Low blow.

[3:13] He is an octogenarian who has put in his time...

[3:17] No, he's not.

[3:17] But...

Dan McCoy

[3:18] He's...

[3:20] Well, he's shticky.

[3:21] I'll say that for him.

Elliott Kalan

[3:22] He's like that product they sell on TV that cleans up cat hair.

[3:26] It's called shticky.

[3:27] It was probably the most boring Oscars I can remember seeing.

[3:31] And it's a big...

[3:32] Let's just get this out of the way.

[3:33] Every year, everyone says, that was the worst Oscars ever.

[3:36] Every year.

Dan McCoy

[3:37] Yeah.

[3:38] Yes.

[3:38] And this is the first time I agree with them.

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:40] Last year, everyone was like, this was the worst Oscars ever.

[3:42] Anne Hathaway and James Franco.

[3:44] How awkward.

Stuart Wellington

[3:45] I could use a double dose of Franco and Anne Hathaway.

[3:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:48] Last year, it was an Oscars where I was like, this didn't totally work.

[3:50] But they tried some different things.

[3:52] At least it had some kind of energy, even if it was nervous energy.

[3:55] But this year, it was like on autopilot.

[3:57] It was just like, get Billy Crystal.

[4:00] Insert the Oscars disc so he can run that program.

[4:03] And then everyone else, the same old stars, just walk out and do whatever.

Dan McCoy

[4:07] And let's keep this moving as quickly as possible.

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] Let's keep it moving unless we're having a montage of actors talking to the camera about how great movies are.

Dan McCoy

[4:16] Or worse yet, that opening montage, which was just like, these are the most montage scenes of the past 50 years.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] Movies are great, huh?

[4:27] Here's a little reminder.

[4:28] And then it's like, we're going to need a bigger boat.

[4:30] Give him an offer.

[4:31] He can't refuse.

[4:32] King of the world.

[4:33] Yeah, King of the World.

[4:34] Life is like a box of chocolates.

[4:36] It was almost like Keanu Reeves and the Matrix.

[4:40] Instead of teaching him Kung Fu, they were like, by the way, here's a quick history of all the movies that beat box office records over the past 20 years.

[4:48] And they just shoved those scenes in his head.

Stuart Wellington

[4:50] That reminds me.

[4:51] They've been advertising the upcoming Titanic release in 3D.

[4:55] And the commercials say, from the director of Avatar.

[5:00] So they're using the biggest grossing movie of all time to promote the second biggest grossing movie of all time, basically.

[5:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:06] Well, because there's a generation of young, like teenage girls and boys, I assume, but mostly girls, who would want to see it but who don't know James Cameron and don't know the old Titanic.

Stuart Wellington

[5:16] They're using aliens and Ferngoey and shit.

[5:17] And they're like, teach me about history.

[5:20] Teach me about boat sinking.

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] Teach me about hearts and how they go on.

[5:24] Yeah.

[5:25] And about posing for nude pictures in the back of old-timey cars.

[5:29] I mean, if it introduces a new generation to Billy Zane, I'm all for it.

Stuart Wellington

[5:37] Because you know what?

[5:38] He's struggling a little right now, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:40] No offense.

[5:41] He is.

[5:41] He's not doing, this is not the age of Zane.

[5:44] Let's just say that.

[5:47] But, yeah, it was just an autopilot Oscars.

[5:49] Like, super dull and super rote.

[5:53] And it was like, these big stars would walk out and it's like, Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, like, okay, like, Robert Downey Jr.

[6:02] I feel like these are the same stars we see all the time in the movies, not television.

[6:06] And one of the things that was most exciting to me last year was when Kirk Douglas came out.

[6:10] And, like, everyone was like, oh, he looks so old.

[6:13] Why is he on television?

[6:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:15] Who let Mumra out of his tomb?

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] Shouldn't he be fighting Lion-O?

Stuart Wellington

[6:20] That was me, and I was complaining the whole time.

[6:22] Really?

[6:22] Well, you did think it was Mumra.

[6:23] I was like, is that a Skeksis?

Elliott Kalan

[6:26] Is this a thing for Jim Henson?

[6:27] What's going on?

[6:28] But, like, it was very exciting to me, at least, and I assume to old people, to see, like.

[6:33] Like you.

[6:34] Yeah, like me.

[6:35] People who are old at heart.

[6:35] To see, like, an old star who is genuinely iconic and you don't see that much anymore.

[6:41] Like, he hasn't done movies since, what was his last one?

[6:45] Like, Diamonds, whatever it was called.

[6:46] The movie he made with, well, like, Dan Aykroyd.

Dan McCoy

[6:49] Yeah.

[6:49] And, uh.

[6:50] There's the one he made with.

[6:51] And Jenny McCarthy.

[6:52] The Michael Douglas, too.

[6:54] I don't know.

[6:54] Maybe that was Diamonds.

Stuart Wellington

[6:55] And he hasn't been in the, uh.

[6:56] He hasn't been in the tabloids lately for all his partying.

[6:59] No.

Elliott Kalan

[7:00] Well, because he's been recovering over the past number of years from a stroke, but.

[7:03] Oh.

[7:04] So he hasn't been having, like, stroke parties, but.

[7:07] Is that a thing?

[7:08] Stroke parties?

[7:08] You invite the strokes to play.

[7:10] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[7:10] And, uh.

[7:11] But, like.

[7:11] Wow, you do stroke parties a little different than the way I do stroke parties.

[7:14] But it was really.

[7:15] Usually it's a party of one.

Elliott Kalan

[7:16] But there was something that seemed.

[7:18] Yeah.

[7:19] Waiter, party of one, please.

[7:21] Masturbating?

[7:21] Party of one.

[7:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:24] Uh.

[7:24] You'll need to come by later on with your rag.

[7:28] Oh.

[7:29] What?

[7:30] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[7:31] Oh, you don't.

[7:31] I can't believe you do that.

[7:33] See, you have a perfectly good cat in your apartment.

[7:35] Why don't you just entice it over?

Dan McCoy

[7:39] Yeah.

[7:39] Thank you, Stuart, for taking the heat off of me.

[7:42] Gross.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] So, anyway, what I was saying about Kirk Douglas was there was something special about it.

[7:46] Like, it's not someone you see a lot.

[7:47] And on Mark Evanier's blog, he was talking about how, like, they needed what they could

[7:53] have, they could have, like, switched up to presenters.

[7:56] Like, have somebody, somebody you don't see a lot come out.

[7:59] And his, I think what he suggests, like, Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner come out and present

[8:03] something.

[8:03] Or, like, Roger Ebert comes out and presents something with his, like, computer program voice.

[8:07] Just, like, something that would make it feel like a special event.

[8:10] Like, they're pulling out the stops and things you wouldn't normally see, you know?

Dan McCoy

[8:14] Well, speaking of the elderly, can I talk about the two things that actually...

[8:17] More about Billy Crystal?

[8:19] Okay.

[8:19] No, can I tell you about the two things that actively angered me about this thing this

[8:24] year?

[8:25] Number one...

[8:26] It went on way too long.

[8:28] No, the opposite of that.

[8:29] Way past your bedtime.

[8:29] Well, once again, they snubbed Abe Bogota.

[8:32] In the interest of speed, I guess, or maybe just trying to keep people young, they, yet

[8:41] again, shunted off the lifetime achievement, honorary stuff.

[8:44] Yeah, to a pre-tape thing.

[8:45] To a pre-tape thing.

[8:46] So you just get, like, you know, quick snippets of, like, James Earl Jones and, like, the...

[8:51] Dick Smith, right?

[8:52] Dick Smith, the...

[8:53] Makeup artist.

[8:54] Makeup artist.

Elliott Kalan

[8:54] Well, you'd think they'd at least put...

[8:56] They'd want Oprah on the primetime cast.

[8:58] Yeah.

[8:58] But instead they didn't.

[8:59] But, like, how much more exciting would it have been to have James Earl Jones, who hasn't

[9:03] done a movie in forever...

[9:04] Yeah.

[9:04] ...to have him give a speech than to have, like...

[9:09] Who talked in the thing?

[9:10] Like, Gwyneth Paltrow?

[9:11] You know?

[9:12] To have...

[9:13] Cameron Diaz and J-Lo...

[9:15] Cameron Diaz and J-Lo just sticking their butts at the camera?

Dan McCoy

[9:17] ...presented to us, like, bonobos.

[9:20] So that was a thing.

[9:22] But also...

[9:23] I didn't pay attention during that part.

[9:24] So that angered me...

[9:25] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[9:25] The part with...

[9:26] About women's butts didn't...

[9:27] You didn't pay attention to?

[9:28] Yeah, I was...

[9:28] You didn't pay attention to...

[9:29] You didn't...

[9:29] I missed that part.

Dan McCoy

[9:30] But that was also the part where people were arguing over whether there was a nip slip

[9:34] on the internet.

Stuart Wellington

[9:35] Oh, no, no, no.

[9:36] I paid attention to that part.

[9:37] So what you saw was you were so busy investigating the nip slip that you...

[9:41] Yeah, exactly.

[9:41] Well, I was quickly live blogging.

[9:43] So do your eyeballs...

Dan McCoy

[9:44] You were nip-blowing.

[9:44] ...shut off when, like, the posterior is put...

[9:47] Yeah, of course.

[9:48] It goes...

Stuart Wellington

[9:49] I start playing old-timey movies in the back of my head.

[9:52] Old-timey movies?

[9:53] Old-timey movies.

[9:55] Like Goonies and...

[9:57] Oh, old-timey, yeah.

[9:57] Old Star Wars.

[9:58] Yeah, like...

[9:59] Episode 1, The Phantom Menace.

Dan McCoy

[10:01] The classics.

[10:01] In 3D.

[10:02] The canonical classics.

[10:04] Sure.

[10:05] So, but that angered me.

[10:06] Dreamscape.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] Dream Quest.

[10:08] Dreamscape.

[10:09] Ice Pirates.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] All the best movies.

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] Krull.

[10:12] Falcon Dagger.

Stuart Wellington

[10:13] Now we're just naming movies, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] The Falcon and the Snowman.

[10:17] Sure.

[10:17] Light of the Navigator.

[10:18] Flash and Blood.

[10:19] The Falcon and the Titans.

[10:20] Baby Legend of the Lost Dinosaur.

[10:23] That's actually a movie.

[10:25] Secret of Mim.

[10:27] It's called Mrs. Frisbee and the Rats of NIM.

[10:29] No, it's not.

[10:30] The movie's called Secret of NIM.

[10:30] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[10:31] Secret of NIM.

[10:32] Don Bluth.

[10:33] Ruining the titles of our classics.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] So, yeah, classics like The Pebble and the Penguin and Rocket and the Snowman.

[10:39] And Gnome in Central Park and Balto.

Elliott Kalan

[10:42] So, well, no, I agree with you.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] I think they could, it felt a little bit like the first time I went into a movie theater and

[10:50] I went in expecting to see, like, the movie trivia and actually have trivia.

[10:55] Interesting trivia that you might not get.

[10:57] And instead it was all just commercials for movies that are about to be released.

[11:01] Oh, yeah.

[11:01] Or currently in theaters.

[11:02] Or TNT shows.

[11:04] Yeah, and that's kind of how it felt.

[11:07] Like, it felt like everything that, everybody that went up there was either, had been doing

[11:13] stuff very consistently or was super famous or had a movie to plug.

[11:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:18] But also, I mean, like, you talk about, Elliot, how, like, the Oscars are really just an advertisement

[11:23] for movies.

[11:24] Yeah.

[11:24] And they're advertising it in, like, the most rote, cheap way.

[11:27] Like, it's, they're making, they're devaluing movies by putting, like, a slap of, like,

[11:33] gold paint over in the movies rather than having it, like, gilded all the way through.

[11:36] Yeah, well, because...

[11:37] Like, if they honored the actual idea of there being a history to the movies, that's, that's

[11:41] more of an idea of true glamour, I feel like.

Stuart Wellington

[11:44] But they're...

[11:44] And to present the next award, Ben Stiller and a can of Pepsi.

[11:48] Yeah.

[11:49] You are delicious, Pepsi.

[11:51] Although...

[11:52] And affordable.

Dan McCoy

[11:52] Ben Stiller and Emma Stone was one of the few times I genuinely laughed at something

[11:55] that was happening.

[11:56] Not because...

[11:56] I mean, because Emma Stone was really selling it.

[11:58] It went on for a long time.

[12:00] Yeah, but she seemed to genuinely, like, she cared about the bit that she was doing.

[12:03] Like, everyone else, like, was selling out the bits.

[12:05] And, like, the bits are terrible.

[12:06] That's all...

[12:07] But she managed to almost make that work through the force of...

[12:10] And she's pretty girl...

[12:11] She's got a pair of stones.

[12:13] She's pretty girl next door.

Elliott Kalan

[12:14] See, I mean...

[12:14] Who did you live next door to?

[12:17] Emma Stone.

[12:17] Super hot.

[12:18] Super hot.

[12:19] Cool girl.

[12:21] But, no, the other thing...

[12:22] Who fought zombies.

[12:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:23] The other thing that bothered me, though, was along the same lines, was the In Memoriam.

[12:27] Like, the In Memoriam looked like it was made on, like, an old MacBook.

[12:31] Like, you know, it was just like...

[12:32] Oh, MacBook Pro.

[12:33] Yeah, but it was just white fade-ins and fade-out of pictures.

[12:37] Like, it was only...

[12:39] It was, like, halfway through before they showed any film clips at all.

[12:42] And there were very few film clips...

Elliott Kalan

[12:45] I mean, they had a lot of people in that listing that were not actors.

Dan McCoy

[12:50] And maybe they're trying to expand that so it's not so actor-focused, which is honorable.

[12:54] And that's the thing.

[12:54] The content of it...

Elliott Kalan

[12:55] There were a lot more people who worked on the technical side of movies, which is something

[12:58] I appreciated.

[12:59] But you can still show some of their work.

[13:01] I mean, that's the thing.

[13:01] Like, if you care...

[13:01] I guess so.

[13:02] That's true.

[13:03] Like, if you care about what their work was, like, show that.

[13:04] And it at least helps to teach people who don't know who those people are and what

[13:07] they did.

[13:08] But I was just so...

[13:09] Like, I was just so happy that they ended on Elizabeth Taylor and not Whitney Houston.

[13:15] Now, on that subject...

[13:16] That's fine.

Dan McCoy

[13:17] But as far as I'm concerned, the best part of In Memoriam is, like, you take...

[13:20] a walk through people's work.

[13:22] Like, people who have left us, like, this is the actual work they did.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] Like in Rocky Balboa, how he walks through his memories.

[13:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:27] But this is why we're honoring these people.

[13:29] This is why we're remembering them.

[13:30] They did these things.

Elliott Kalan

[13:30] But that's...

[13:31] That section...

[13:32] And I agree with you.

[13:33] I would love it if the whole show was...

[13:34] I would love it if that was sprinkled throughout the show and it was just...

[13:37] The whole show was just death, death, death.

[13:38] Award, obituary.

[13:39] Award, obituary.

[13:40] But to them, that is a...

[13:42] Just an obligatory thing they have to get through.

Dan McCoy

[13:44] But that is the thing that...

[13:46] Like, everyone, every year actually cares about.

[13:49] Like, that is one part of the Oscar ceremony that people or reviewers actually care about.

[13:54] Like, whether they care about it, like, in the way that, like, you might care about it.

[13:58] You're like, okay, this is, like, movie history.

[14:00] Or they just care about it.

[14:01] Just like, who's gonna be in this year?

[14:03] You know, like, who are they gonna end on?

Elliott Kalan

[14:04] I think you hit it when you said that's what reviewers care about.

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:07] But they're not trying to get reviewers.

[14:09] They're trying to get audience members because...

[14:11] Trying to get butts in the seats.

[14:12] Exactly.

[14:13] Because the problem with the Oscars...

[14:14] The butts are already in the seats, too.

[14:15] The problem...

[14:15] They're honored to be there.

[14:16] The problem with...

[14:17] But the home butts.

[14:18] Okay.

[14:18] Home butts.

[14:19] Home butts.

Dan McCoy

[14:20] That's a great, great movie, by the way.

[14:22] Home butts.

Elliott Kalan

[14:22] The problem with the Oscars, as with the Emmys, is that these are not real award ceremonies.

[14:29] These are television programs.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] Emmy winner, Elliot Kalin.

[14:33] This is the Emmys.

Elliott Kalan

[14:34] Now that I have two of them, I can tell you it's all fake.

[14:36] But these are treated like television shows that happen to be about awards being given out.

[14:42] And the important thing to them is not, we're going to really honor the people who won tonight.

[14:46] We're going to honor this industry.

[14:48] It is, we gotta put together an Oscars that finally gets big ratings and that draws eyeballs and interests young people.

[14:55] It's treated like a competitive television program.

Dan McCoy

[14:58] It does get good enough ratings.

[15:00] Like, that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] It gets good enough ratings that they haven't yet canceled it.

[15:03] But it doesn't get the ratings it got in the 70s or the 80s.

[15:06] But it's never going to.

[15:07] Like, nothing on television is.

[15:09] But they want it to.

[15:10] But nothing on television is.

[15:11] And frankly, at this point, it doesn't get the ratings that it needs to justify the money spent on it by networks is part of it.

[15:19] Like, to carry the Oscars or the Emmys used to be like a big thing.

[15:23] Like, we got it this year.

[15:24] And now it's just like, oh, shit, it's our turn, I guess.

[15:27] Well, all right.

[15:28] We'll run this turd.

[15:29] You know, we'll make it happen.

[15:31] It's going to smell no matter what.

[15:33] It's going to stink.

[15:34] We'll just hold our noses and just put Billy Crystal out there and hope everyone forgets about it by next year.

[15:40] All right.

Dan McCoy

[15:40] Well, now that I've vented my spleen a little, you guys can talk about something that's actually coming.

[15:43] I was going to say those vents are beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] Did you get those done recently?

[15:47] Yeah.

[15:47] Because I've been looking into spleen vents and they're very expensive.

Dan McCoy

[15:50] The thing is to, like, recess them so you don't really see them from the outside.

[15:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] I had to look very closely.

Dan McCoy

[15:55] That's expensive bioware.

Stuart Wellington

[15:57] So on the subject of Whitney Houston, I was arguing with my buddies in the –

[16:07] In the army.

[16:08] Yeah, in the video game chat rooms.

[16:11] Just kidding.

[16:13] But I was arguing –

[16:13] Just kidding.

[16:14] They're message boards.

[16:15] Yeah.

[16:15] I was arguing – so, I mean, she died right in 2012.

[16:22] She died right.

Elliott Kalan

[16:25] There's a woman who's been calling me saying she's Whitney Houston and everyone thinks she's dead, but she's not.

Stuart Wellington

[16:29] I didn't think her death fell within the Oscars category window.

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] They always get – no, the deaths aren't by the same deadlines that the movie nominees are.

[16:39] Okay.

[16:40] And they always get in trouble because –

Dan McCoy

[16:41] It's not like people need to die for a week in L.A. just to qualify for the Oscars.

[16:45] And every year – nice one.

Elliott Kalan

[16:48] Sure.

[16:48] And every year they get shat on by somebody for forgetting someone who died, like, right before the awards.

[16:55] So I think they just –

[16:56] And when they forgot Sarah Marshall, that was terrible.

[16:59] She died.

[17:00] She was not honored.

Stuart Wellington

[17:01] That was a movie.

[17:02] That's the name of a movie, Elliot.

[17:03] Dying Sarah Marshall?

[17:05] Yes.

[17:06] Okay.

[17:07] Well, I guess I lost the argument.

[17:10] So, Noob Slayer 27, I owe you a Mountain Dew.

Elliott Kalan

[17:15] Noob Slayer 28.

[17:16] I still stand by my point.

[17:18] Sure.

[17:19] But it hurt that this was an Oscars where a lot of the movies were not big movies.

[17:24] Like, there were no –

[17:26] Avatars.

[17:27] There were no avatars.

[17:28] Titanics.

[17:28] There were no Lords of the Ringses.

[17:30] There were no tightsnanics.

[17:32] There were no –

[17:33] Inceptions.

[17:34] There were no insneptions.

[17:35] No Darks Nights.

[17:36] Keep it up.

[17:38] I'll add letters into all sorts of words.

[17:41] Like, what we're –

Dan McCoy

[17:41] You make fun of me for reciting song lyrics as if they're jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[17:45] Well, I'm just inserting extra letters into it.

[17:47] Okay, so we've talked about –

[17:49] We're none of us perfect.

Stuart Wellington

[17:50] I'm just a little bit more perfect.

[17:50] We've talked enough about the telecast.

[17:52] Should we talk about nominees?

[17:54] Well, that's what I was getting into.

[17:55] That's what I was getting into.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] I'll tell you something.

[17:58] Rise of the Planet of the Apes should have won Best Visual Effects.

Elliott Kalan

[18:01] Hey, let's all say –

[18:02] I'm not sure I agree, but let's all say one positive thing about the Oscar telecast

[18:06] to kind of clear the air before we get to the nominees section.

[18:10] Clear that.

[18:10] And I'll start –

[18:11] Turn the smell out of the way.

[18:12] I liked the Christopher Guest bit until it went too long.

[18:17] Yeah.

[18:17] And I thought –

[18:18] That's a qualified compliment.

[18:19] And I thought Fred Willard was very funny.

[18:21] I did not like this.

Dan McCoy

[18:22] I liked it.

[18:23] For some reason, it was less funny to me hearing the audience laugh.

[18:26] Like, it was as if there was a laugh track to it.

[18:28] But I liked the bit in general.

Elliott Kalan

[18:30] I can understand that.

[18:30] I thought it was –

[18:30] I liked the idea.

[18:31] I didn't think it really fit.

[18:33] There was no –

[18:33] Like, the subject of that bit was totally inconsequential and had nothing to do with the rest of the –

[18:40] Hey, you know these focus groups?

[18:42] We've all dealt with them.

[18:43] Here's a little bit about focus groups in the 30s.

[18:45] Yeah.

[18:45] All right.

[18:46] Is this supposed to seem relevant?

[18:48] Because –

[18:48] But I liked the idea of doing that kind of a bit.

Dan McCoy

[18:51] I'll say that in addition to, as I said before, enjoying Young Miss Emma Stone, I –

[18:58] The Young Miss Emma Stone Chronicles?

[18:59] Mm-hmm.

[19:00] I did like –

[19:02] I didn't like the –

Stuart Wellington

[19:02] Where he practices CGI techniques before the –

Elliott Kalan

[19:05] Before he puts them in movies, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:07] I didn't like the whole bit of, like, what are they thinking?

[19:10] But I did like the end where they just cut to Nick Nolte and he was like –

[19:14] Yeah.

[19:15] And Nick Nolte was red-faced and laughing as if he was going to have a stroke right there.

[19:20] I didn't like –

[19:20] Being too gravelly.

Stuart Wellington

[19:21] I did like the interview with Nick Nolte on the red carpet where they asked him if he owned a crow

[19:26] and he didn't know what they were talking about for a minute or two before he admitted that he does, in fact, own a crow.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] A crow like the bird?

[19:32] Yeah, the bird, yeah.

[19:34] He got it from the movie –

[19:35] Is he a maester?

Stuart Wellington

[19:36] U-turn.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] Yeah.

[19:39] Is the –

[19:40] I thought you were going to say, Dan, that you liked –

[19:45] Why is –

[19:47] Why can I not remember his name?

[19:48] The winner for Best Supporting Actor, his speech.

[19:50] Christopher Plummer.

[19:51] He was great, too.

[19:52] I thought you liked Christopher Plummer's speech.

[19:52] That was the high point of the night for me.

Dan McCoy

[19:54] No, he was –

[19:55] I mean, we were talking about this at work.

[19:57] Like, that's what the Oscar should be.

[19:59] It should be graceful old men making –

Elliott Kalan

[20:03] It should be hot young women showing off their gams and making jokes and graceful old Englishmen.

[20:08] Yeah, being charming.

[20:08] Well, he's from Canada.

[20:09] Oh, that's right.

[20:10] He's Canadian.

[20:10] Which I discovered when I –

[20:11] He just seems English.

Dan McCoy

[20:12] When I accidentally tweeted that he was English.

[20:14] Or not accidentally.

[20:15] I tweeted that he was English because he sounds like he's English, but he's Canadian.

[20:18] And you got dick slapped?

[20:20] You got slapped by Christopher Plummer with his dick.

[20:22] I fact-checked myself.

[20:23] Oh, okay.

[20:24] Because I was like, I'm not sure about this.

Elliott Kalan

[20:25] He fact-checked.

[20:25] He checked his faxes.

[20:26] And there was one for Christopher Plummer saying, here's my birth certificate, just so you can say I'm Canadian.

[20:30] Like Donald Sutherland.

Dan McCoy

[20:31] I appreciate the tweet, but I am a Canadian gentleman.

Elliott Kalan

[20:35] And I think one of the things that did also bug me about the awards was there was – it felt like there was this feeling of like, finally, Meryl Streep has gotten her due.

[20:46] She's finally won an Academy Award after all this great work.

[20:48] And it's like, she has two already.

Dan McCoy

[20:51] And it's widely regarded that she's like the best actress around.

[20:54] What did she have for?

[20:55] She has one for Sophie's Choice.

Elliott Kalan

[20:56] She has one for Sophie's Choice.

[20:57] And she has a supporting actress won for Kramer vs. Kramer.

[21:01] Yeah.

[21:02] Thank you, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[21:03] And she is nominated almost every year.

[21:05] She's nominated almost every year.

[21:06] Even when she's in doubt and doesn't deserve it.

[21:09] Whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[21:10] So like this idea – it felt like this idea that like – and maybe they were just trying to spin it so that people weren't mad that Viola Davis didn't win.

[21:17] But it seemed like they were trying to put this spin on of like, finally, Hollywood is recognized.

[21:22] I mean –

[21:23] Eternally unrecognized Meryl Streep.

[21:24] I will say for –

[21:25] It's like, there's not Susan Lucci here.

Dan McCoy

[21:26] I will say on her behalf though that she is – she is almost the female equivalent of Christopher Plummer in that she always has a very like funny and graceful speech.

[21:36] Oh, no, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:37] Well, no, she's a class act.

[21:38] But –

[21:39] Yeah, I have nothing against her.

[21:41] It's not against her.

[21:42] Yeah, that I have.

[21:43] It's just against this – like the – maybe even her – it was somewhere in the intro for her.

[21:48] It was like she's been nominated all these many times since the 80s and she's never won.

[21:53] It's like she has two.

[21:55] Like – and her reputation and her legacy are secure.

[21:58] There are a lot of people who are –

Stuart Wellington

[21:59] Yeah, she is the actress that every other actress pretty much wishes they were.

[22:03] Yeah.

[22:04] And have a career that's spanned this much time, especially for an actress, is really challenging.

[22:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] And there are actresses like Rachel Weisz, who I like a lot, who at some point may be totally forgotten except for the fact that she has an Academy Award.

[22:17] Whereas Meryl Streep is not going to be forgotten.

[22:20] Like her body of work will last on longer than probably any other actress working today.

[22:24] Luckily movies like Dreamhouse come along to give Rachel Weisz a little bit of work.

[22:28] To really cement them.

[22:30] Yeah.

[22:31] Oh, man.

[22:32] But anyway, the nominees we're going to talk about.

[22:33] So I said let's say one thing nice and I started complaining about a bunch of shit.

Stuart Wellington

[22:37] Because there – I bring it up if only because there were a lot – there was a fair amount of dissent about the choice.

[22:45] There was a lot of snubs.

[22:46] No nominations for the dissent.

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] Yep.

[22:48] Well, that was a few years ago.

[22:50] Well, no, that's –

[22:50] Nothing for best blind cannibal cave dwellers.

Dan McCoy

[22:54] Let's backtrack a bit, Elliot.

[22:56] What would you have had when best visual effects, if not –

Elliott Kalan

[23:01] Oh, either Rise of Planets or Tree of Life.

[23:04] Okay.

[23:04] Tree of Life – the creation of the universe sequences in Tree of Life were beautiful and also you could tell done with practical effects.

[23:12] They looked real.

[23:13] And a lot of those effects were like pouring liquids through other liquids and shooting it at the right speed so it looked like clouds of stars and space dust.

[23:21] No, that was an amazing sequence.

[23:23] It was fantastic.

[23:23] And like as much as Rise of the Planet of the Apes was really good visually, I felt a lot of that was acting and not necessarily the effects.

[23:32] Because the Apes did not look like real Apes.

[23:33] But can we –

Dan McCoy

[23:33] We can agree that like Hugo winning in that category is a weird bandwagon.

Elliott Kalan

[23:37] It was ridiculous.

[23:37] Weird bandwagon.

[23:38] It's ludicrous.

[23:39] I mean winning – Hugo winning in cinematography is ludicrous also.

[23:42] As opposed to Tree of Life.

[23:43] As opposed to like – or as opposed to like – as opposed to Tree of Life definitely but even like a movie like Drive which was not nominated, you know.

[23:51] Yeah.

[23:51] Like Tree of Life was a beautiful movie that was made almost entirely except for like the dinosaurs and some things with objects that exist in the real world.

[24:01] And I feel like a lot of the art of a cinematographer is taking reality and showing it in a different way.

[24:07] And Hugo is – almost nothing in that movie is real.

[24:11] Yeah.

[24:12] And so many – there's so many shots of like the camera flying really fast into and out of buildings.

[24:16] Except for Sacha Baron Cohen's wit.

[24:18] Well, I like – well, that's the thing.

[24:19] Sacha Baron Cohen is really good in that movie.

[24:21] Like I would have rather seen him be nominated for Best Supporting Actor for Hugo than like Jonah Hill for Moneyball.

[24:27] Yeah, but you hate Jonah Hill.

[24:28] I don't hate him.

[24:29] I just don't like him.

[24:30] Okay.

[24:30] Fair enough.

[24:31] He's all right, I guess.

[24:32] I mean I think that's a fair statement.

[24:34] Yeah.

[24:35] What?

[24:35] That I hate Jonah Hill?

[24:36] No.

[24:36] Because I don't.

Stuart Wellington

[24:37] No, that Sacha Baron Cohen deserved a nomination for Best Supporting Actor over Joe.

Elliott Kalan

[24:40] I feel like he brought a lot out of what could have been a very flat character – or very one-dimensional character.

[24:46] And like his – especially considering Borat and Bruno, like his acting in Hugo is so expertly like modulated and like shaded.

Dan McCoy

[24:56] Yeah, he's still a very eccentric over-the-top character, but it's a believable human version of that.

Elliott Kalan

[25:02] Yeah, and he doesn't rely on like catchphrases or, you know, the kind of crutches he has in Bruno or Borat.

[25:07] No, I think he's fantastic in that.

Dan McCoy

[25:09] I think he's great in Sweeney Todd.

[25:11] Yeah, he is good in Sweeney Todd.

[25:12] Like if I had my –

[25:13] Brothers?

[25:14] Yeah, if I had my way –

[25:16] That's my nickname for the movie Brothers.

[25:17] Smothers Brothers.

Elliott Kalan

[25:19] Smothers Brothers.

Dan McCoy

[25:20] If I had my Elliot's nickname for the movie Brothers, I would see Sacha Baron Cohen in those sort of Peter Sellers supporting roles in movies.

Elliott Kalan

[25:30] Yeah.

[25:30] So that you could watch a ton of movies 30 years from now that are not very good, but Peter Sellers is in them?

Dan McCoy

[25:34] Man, I tried to watch like the – speaking of Christopher Plummer, I tried to watch the Pink Panther movie that he's in.

Elliott Kalan

[25:41] That's a good one.

[25:42] Which is one of the good ones.

[25:43] Yeah, that's the third one.

[25:44] That's a good one.

Dan McCoy

[25:45] And I still like –

[25:46] I think it's the third one.

[25:47] It's like 15 minutes before Peter Sellers shows up at the beginning of the movie.

[25:52] And then just any scene that he is not in is death.

Elliott Kalan

[25:56] I don't know about death, but it's not – he's the only thing that holds it together.

Dan McCoy

[26:00] That movie is so slow.

[26:01] Like that's the weird thing about like – not just that movie, but I feel like a lot of comedies of that era.

[26:06] It's just like, okay, we're going to have one comedic element of that.

[26:09] And then there's just going to be like a regular movie around it.

[26:13] But we're not going to make that movie as good because this is a comedy.

[26:17] So you're just going to have to wait for that one funny guy to show up again.

Elliott Kalan

[26:19] I mean, that was basically 60s comedies, yeah.

[26:22] But Peter Sellers made a lot of movies like Smallest Show on Earth and Heavens Above or whatever it's called.

[26:28] Where it's like you're watching and you're like, why is this even a movie?

[26:31] Like I'm glad Peter Sellers was getting a paycheck.

[26:34] And I like this character he's playing, but like, yeah, there's no movie here.

[26:37] There's like nothing going on.

Stuart Wellington

[26:39] Well, to go back to Best Supporting Actor, that was a category that there was a fair amount of contention because both Albert Brooks probably should have been nominated.

Dan McCoy

[26:48] He should have been nominated, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:49] And I would argue I really like Patton Oswalt's performance in Young Adult.

Elliott Kalan

[26:54] He was good in that too.

Stuart Wellington

[26:56] And those were too widely – how do you feel about those snubs, Dan?

[27:01] Dan.

[27:02] Oh.

[27:02] Aw.

Dan McCoy

[27:03] I was going to talk.

[27:05] You can talk, Dan.

[27:06] Who all got nominated?

[27:07] We got Nick Nolte.

[27:11] Jonas Hill.

Stuart Wellington

[27:12] Brad Pitt.

[27:13] No, that was for Best Actor.

[27:14] I thought he got nominated for Best Supporting for Tree of Life.

[27:18] Did he?

[27:19] Maybe.

Dan McCoy

[27:20] Maybe.

[27:20] I know that what's-his-face, Mike Svansayou, Dad.

[27:23] Oh, yeah, Mike Svansayou.

[27:24] Mike Svansayou should not have been nominated, I can say, with authority, without having seen that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:29] No, I have seen it, and he is the best thing in the movie.

[27:32] What's this?

[27:32] But he was nominated for Extremely Loud and Incredibly Crappy.

Stuart Wellington

[27:36] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[27:37] And he is the best thing in that movie, but I feel like that was a career nomination.

Elliott Kalan

[27:42] Didn't he win for Strange Brew?

Stuart Wellington

[27:46] For Best –

[27:47] Yeah, I think he did.

[27:47] Best Villain?

[27:49] Oh, you know what?

[27:49] He won Best Actor for Needful Things.

[27:52] That's what it was.

Dan McCoy

[27:53] You're thinking of Mel Blank's nomination for Strange Brew for their unseen father.

Elliott Kalan

[28:02] He was – he – I think that was, I feel, a career nomination.

[28:06] He's in his 80s.

[28:07] He's one of the kind of towering actors of world film from his work with Ingmar Bergman.

[28:13] So, like, they were like, yeah, we'll throw him in.

[28:16] But he is the best acting in that movie, but that's probably partly because he's not in a lot of it, and most of the movie is dominated by an irritating kid.

[28:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:25] I mean, I think that –

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] They should have nominated the dog from the artist.

Dan McCoy

[28:29] I think that Albert Brooks –

[28:31] Yeah, they should have.

[28:31] I would have liked to have seen him in there.

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] Albert Brooks definitely should have been – like, and I liked Patton Oswalt's performance in Young Adult, but Albert Brooks' performance in Drive, again, like, there's so much in that performance.

[28:42] And he doesn't – and he does it in a way that always feels real the entire time.

[28:46] Yeah.

[28:46] Like, he's the most – even being – not being the hero of the movie, he's the most real and, like, most sympathetic character in the whole movie, I feel like.

[28:54] Yes.

[28:55] And, like – and he draws that out of it.

[28:57] Like, it's not necessarily written that way.

[28:58] It's written that way, but he draws a lot out of it.

Dan McCoy

[29:03] Any other gripes with the categories, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[29:09] Well, what are the – what were we talking about?

[29:10] Well, I mean, other nominees or other –

[29:13] Other snubs.

[29:14] Snubs.

Dan McCoy

[29:14] You thought there were snubs or – I don't want – like, it's such a boring – it is really such a boring Oscar year.

Stuart Wellington

[29:22] To be honest, I got to admit, I have not seen – I did not see that many of the Best Picture nominees.

[29:27] I saw a fair number of them.

[29:28] I didn't get around to see War Horse because I don't like seeing animals in danger.

[29:34] I like seeing people in danger all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[29:36] That's why you had to leave the Rescuers Down Under in the middle of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[29:40] And arachnophobia.

[29:41] I'm like, what are they going to do to those spiders?

[29:43] This is like a spider holocaust.

Dan McCoy

[29:46] Stewart still doesn't know if those Rescuers ever got back up above after being Down Under.

[29:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:52] And Five Head Goes West.

[29:54] Couldn't watch it.

[29:56] Even anthropomorphic.

Dan McCoy

[29:59] So I didn't see that.

Stuart Wellington

[30:02] And guys, I know you think that The Artist is like – that's right up my alley.

[30:07] I did not see that.

Elliott Kalan

[30:08] I know you love silent films.

[30:10] You love French movies.

[30:13] You're a huge fan of movies where James Cromwell plays a butler.

[30:16] These are all right up your alley.

Dan McCoy

[30:17] I did not have a lot of passion about going to see a lot of these nominated films.

[30:22] I still haven't seen The Artist.

[30:23] I think I would probably enjoy it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] I think you'd enjoy The Artist.

Dan McCoy

[30:25] But I get the impression that I would not love it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:28] It's a pretty middle-of-the-road movie in a lot of ways.

[30:30] I liked it a lot but it was not one of the movies that I saw it and then it stuck with me afterwards.

[30:35] Like Tree of Life I saw and it really stuck with me.

[30:38] Midnight in Paris really stuck with me.

[30:40] Like Planet of the Apes stuck with me more than The Artist did.

[30:44] Like The Artist and Hugo really stuck with me.

[30:46] Like The Artist is a fun movie and it's a really well-made movie but it's not – there's not a lot of things there.

[30:52] Like it's a very thin movie.

[30:53] And it's a movie where – I don't want to spoil things.

[30:55] Sure.

[30:56] So it's a silent movie star.

[30:57] They tell him you're going to have to make sound films and he's like no.

[31:01] I'm not going to do it.

[31:02] And then his life falls apart.

[31:03] And the whole movie you're like – it's almost like the movie forgets that the main character could at any point decide to just change his career a little bit and everything would be fine.

Dan McCoy

[31:15] Like –

[31:15] Yeah, the problems are of his own making.

[31:17] He makes them himself.

[31:18] Like in the movie Hugo where the problem is that everyone's just –

[31:23] He makes like a robot or something.

[31:24] Not talking to each other.

[31:26] And they're just grumping around and never asking anyone for help.

[31:29] Yeah, you're right.

[31:30] That was the problem in Hugo.

Elliott Kalan

[31:32] Yeah.

[31:33] And my wife –

[31:33] I like Hugo.

[31:34] I just didn't like it as much as you.

[31:35] I liked it a lot.

[31:36] I mean but the – I didn't like the story in Hugo so much as I liked what Martin Scorsese – what the emotion he put into it from himself.

[31:44] And like the scenes where –

[31:46] Okay.

[31:47] Well, kind of like the story is like oh, he goes and does this and he finds out this thing and whatever.

[31:52] But you could tell that the guy who was making the movie really identified with this character and that when he starts learning about the history of silent film that like the people making this movie are really excited.

[32:04] Like it's one of those movies where –

Dan McCoy

[32:05] If you cut off the first hour of Hugo, I would like it.

[32:08] If I watched the second hour, I'd be like oh, this is pretty good.

[32:10] It's a movie where like –

Stuart Wellington

[32:11] But then you'd have no Jude Law and Ray Winstone would only be a dead body.

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] You're talking about what, AI?

[32:19] No, Hugo.

[32:20] Hugo?

[32:21] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[32:22] I totally forgot Jude Law and Ray Winstone were in it.

[32:24] Yeah, they're both in it in the very beginning.

[32:26] Well, Jude Law is in flashbacks.

[32:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:28] Yeah, same with Ray Winstone except his dead body.

[32:31] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[32:32] His are flashbacks too.

[32:34] But when they show – it's the kind of movie where when he's learning about old silent film, they show you footage from real old silent films.

[32:41] And they don't have like – they don't put like a silent film filter on footage of like Ben Kingsley walking around.

[32:49] Ben Grimsby, sure.

[32:50] Ben Grimsby.

[32:52] It's like –

Stuart Wellington

[32:52] Crang Mingzy.

[32:53] It was like when they did – when Frost Nixon came out a year or two ago and they tried to restage the interviews with the characters from the film.

[33:03] And instead of using actual like footage of these people, they put like Oliver Platt in his character's makeup doing this interview.

[33:11] Yeah, as if it was –

Stuart Wellington

[33:11] Yeah.

[33:11] As if it was actual footage.

[33:13] And that was ridiculous.

Elliott Kalan

[33:14] Yeah.

[33:15] I didn't see – like there was no point to that.

Stuart Wellington

[33:18] But you liked what they did with Hugo.

[33:21] Where they used the real old footage.

[33:22] Yeah.

[33:25] Was it in 3D?

[33:27] I didn't see it in 3D.

[33:27] It was and it didn't need to be.

Dan McCoy

[33:29] That's the thing is I was –

[33:30] No, I mean like the old timey stuff was like the silent film stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] It was more like the image came out at you but it wasn't like, well, we'll take this old Buster Keaton movie and we'll make it into 3D.

[33:40] It was more like as if you were watching a TV and the TV screen was moving towards you.

[33:47] Okay.

[33:47] Like the silent films were not made in 3D but –

Stuart Wellington

[33:49] Like in Poltergeist or something or –

[33:51] A little bit.

Dan McCoy

[33:54] I know this is a really important conversation to hash out.

[33:57] Okay.

[33:58] What's up?

[33:58] I think we can –

[33:59] Oscars.

[34:00] I think we can put the Oscars to bed.

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] Okay.

[34:02] Well, we've already put our listeners to bed.

[34:03] Yeah, I think we can move on.

[34:05] Our Hugo cast.

[34:06] To the –

[34:07] Are we going to move on to –

[34:09] To the more important awards.

[34:11] To the Flop Academy Flop Flop Flop Awards.

[34:13] So, four thumbs up and a boner for the Oscars, right?

[34:17] I guess.

[34:18] Yeah, was it a good bad Oscars, a bad bad Oscars, or an Oscars you kind of liked a little bit?

[34:23] It was a real stroke party, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[34:25] That would indicate that it was at least fun for one person.

Dan McCoy

[34:30] And possibly a cat.

[34:32] So, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[34:33] Depending on how you do it.

[34:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:34] So, we're going to give out the floppies.

[34:37] Okay.

[34:37] The most coveted award in podcasting.

[34:39] It's in the shape of a golden disc.

[34:42] Golden disc?

[34:43] Yeah, like a floppy disc.

[34:44] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] You're older than me, Dan.

[34:47] You know what a floppy disc is.

[34:48] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[34:51] So, we all have a few here to give out.

[34:54] Why don't I start off?

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] Okay.

[34:57] Why don't you start off?

Dan McCoy

[34:58] I'm going to give out the first award.

[35:01] It goes to actor that sounds most like an auto part.

[35:04] And that goes to Cam Gajandit.

[35:08] Who also received the coveted Shredded Like Lettuce Award.

[35:12] And the Josh Hartnett Memorial Award for Most Irritating Squint.

Elliott Kalan

[35:17] Wow.

[35:17] So, a good year for Cam.

[35:18] Cam really, he really rolled through this year.

[35:21] Strong year for Cam Gajandit.

[35:25] Gigandit?

[35:27] Gijanday.

[35:28] Gijanday.

[35:29] I kind of want to call it to car talk now and say that my Cam Gajandit is all out of line.

[35:35] Frickin' frack, right?

[35:37] Yeah, the Tapper Brothers.

[35:38] Or Tappit Brothers.

[35:41] Anyone else?

[35:42] Do you want to rotate?

[35:42] Sure.

[35:43] We can rotate through.

[35:44] Sure.

[35:45] My categories are a little different.

[35:49] I had Best Audience Sympathy Role Reversal.

[35:54] Went to Green Lantern for making an audience of nerds root for a handsome jock who was about to beat up a brainiac in a wheelchair.

[36:00] Okay.

[36:01] So, Best Audience Sympathy Role Reversal.

[36:04] Green Lantern.

Stuart Wellington

[36:04] And now, being nerds, we really identified with that, right?

Elliott Kalan

[36:09] I really identified with the horrific villain who was in a wheelchair.

[36:13] Yeah, with the big lumpy head.

[36:14] With the gross mustache and the lumpy head.

[36:15] I think his name was Lumpy Head.

[36:17] What a great...

[36:18] A lumpy head.

[36:19] I knew you'd be behind this.

[36:21] Lumpy Head is terrorizing the city.

[36:23] Where is Green Lantern?

[36:24] Lumpy Head is on a rampage.

Stuart Wellington

[36:28] My first award is for most erotic, fully clothed sexual performance.

[36:34] Okay.

[36:35] And that goes to, of course, Nicolas Cage in Drive Angry.

Elliott Kalan

[36:38] Yeah, it's interesting because Nicolas Cage won, for my word, for Angriest Driving, for Drive Angry.

Dan McCoy

[36:46] Well, I mean, as long as we're giving Nicolas Cage plot its out.

Elliott Kalan

[36:50] It's not the only one I have.

Dan McCoy

[36:52] All right.

[36:52] Well, maybe I'll save it then.

[36:54] Oh, no, you can go.

[36:56] I'm going to give the Cagiest Cage award to Trespass Cage, which for me beat out Sorcerer's Apprentice Cage, Drive Angry Cage, and Season of the Witch Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[37:06] I gave Best Hair to Nicolas Cage for all of them.

[37:11] Wow.

[37:12] Real sweet.

Stuart Wellington

[37:13] Well, what kind of an award is that?

[37:16] It's a golden disc, right?

[37:17] Best Hair.

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] It's a golden disc, but it has a wig on it.

[37:20] It has a hideous wig on it.

[37:21] So Nicolas Cage for all of them.

Stuart Wellington

[37:26] My next award is for Most Believable English Accent in a Totally Terrible Movie.

[37:31] It's a double award to both Danny McBride and James Franco in Your Highness.

[37:36] Not even a Flopass movie.

[37:37] Not even a Flopass movie.

Dan McCoy

[37:38] Just a movie that was from this last year.

Stuart Wellington

[37:40] And was, I think, drawn for the least fun I had watching a movie all year long.

[37:46] Wow.

[37:46] What was the other one?

[37:47] The other one was, wait, let me peruse my notes.

[37:51] Oh, shit, I totally forgot to write it down.

[37:54] So Your Highness is alone.

[37:55] The winner.

Elliott Kalan

[37:57] For the least fun you had in a movie.

[37:58] Okay, well.

[37:59] That was, that won my, actually, I'll give that in a word just now for movie that was most

[38:04] sold on the presence of a butt in it.

[38:06] Now, no one's won that award since Entrapment.

[38:09] Not even a totally nude butt.

[38:10] Just a butt and a thong.

[38:11] Well, Entrapment won it with a butt that was through a pair of pants.

[38:14] Yeah.

[38:14] So.

Stuart Wellington

[38:15] I think, I think they tried to do that with the, that, that Scottish movie.

[38:20] The, what's the, the post-apocalyptic.

[38:22] Yeah, Macbeth.

[38:23] Yeah, you're not supposed to say.

[38:23] No, that post-apocalyptic one.

[38:24] Oh, Doomsday.

[38:26] Doomsday, yeah.

[38:26] Yeah, yeah.

[38:26] Yeah, that's right.

Dan McCoy

[38:27] Well, that's, that, well, I, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:29] I mean, that's a great, great butt.

Dan McCoy

[38:31] I'll get on board with that one.

[38:34] It's a butt with an accent.

Elliott Kalan

[38:35] Officially, the assies aren't announced until next week.

[38:38] So let's stick with the floppies.

Dan McCoy

[38:39] So this is the Golden Civ Award for a movie I've most completely forgotten that we watched.

[38:46] And that goes to Beastly, which may just be because that was in the blooper episode.

[38:51] But still, almost completely erased from my mind, Eternal Sunshine style.

[38:56] Yeah.

[38:56] So Beastly.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] Now for a second, I thought you said Beasley.

[38:59] That's awesome.

[38:59] Like Mrs. Beasley.

Stuart Wellington

[39:00] I'd given that award to Skyline.

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] Oh, right.

[39:04] We watched Skyline.

[39:05] See, that's the reaction I was hoping for.

[39:07] I'm going to have to give it to Skyline also.

[39:09] I kind of forgot that existed.

[39:11] Here's a serious one.

[39:14] For Best Actor, I give it to Gary Oldman.

[39:18] Not for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, although he's very good in that.

[39:21] But for the moment in Red Riding Hood, when Lucas Haas asks if he can touch Gary Oldman's sword.

[39:26] And Gary Oldman goes, no.

[39:29] As if he's barely thinking about it and he's already leaving the conversation.

[39:34] No.

[39:37] He's a real pro.

[39:38] That was a beautiful moment in a movie otherwise terribly boring, except for the existence of a giant cast iron elephant that people were burned to death in.

Stuart Wellington

[39:47] Hey, guys.

[39:48] I want to calm things down a little bit and go back to something that we taped earlier in the day.

[39:53] Okay?

[39:54] This is for the Lifetime Achievement Award for longest movie we ever watched for The Flophouse.

[39:59] And that goes to The Happiest Millionaire.

[40:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:02] Well earned.

[40:03] Well earned.

[40:03] It was very long.

[40:04] Due, I think, is the term.

[40:06] It was due for that award.

Dan McCoy

[40:08] I have here the Paul Walker Award for being a black hole of charisma.

[40:13] And that goes for Alex Pettifer, star of I'm number four in Beastly.

Elliott Kalan

[40:18] He is, yeah.

[40:19] He has nothing at all to offer film.

[40:22] He has no charisma, no star power.

[40:23] What about abs?

[40:24] He's shredded like lettuce.

[40:27] But not as much as Cam Gijande.

[40:29] Not as good as much as Cam Gijande.

[40:34] Do you want me to go again?

[40:35] Sure.

[40:36] Okay.

[40:37] For best twists, it's Trespass.

[40:40] Oh, wait, no.

[40:40] I read that wrong.

[40:41] I'm sorry.

[40:41] The category is most twists.

[40:43] Not best twists.

[40:45] Merely most.

[40:45] Because there are eight or nine twists in that movie.

[40:48] They run...

[40:49] This is all new to me.

[40:50] Yeah, the twists run the gamut from it turns out we have no money to no, we actually do have a lot of money to we want to take your daughter's kidney to we don't want the kidney, just the money.

[41:03] And I didn't get into the affair that Nicole Kidman didn't have.

Stuart Wellington

[41:10] So the last award that I'm going to give out, guys, goes to the Flophouse movie this year that had the least limits.

[41:20] Which is the roommate.

[41:24] Wow, a huge upset.

[41:26] Bradley Cooper is steamed.

[41:28] He is so unhappy.

[41:29] Expertly awarded.

[41:31] I think he was about out of his chair already and then set back down.

Elliott Kalan

[41:34] And then Billy Zane just pushed him down and got up to accept the award.

[41:38] And while he's up there, he can accept another award, best hats.

[41:44] The roommate special achievement in hats this year.

Dan McCoy

[41:48] So this award was given out actually earlier at our Technical Flophouse Awards.

[41:53] Sure.

[41:54] Hosted by Amanda Bynes.

[41:58] This is the What If Penny Met a Dinosaur Award for Strange's Premise.

[42:02] And that goes to Gooby.

[42:03] Where Robbie Coltrane was a giant living teddy bear.

[42:07] It's the movie that makes you believe in magic and then makes you wish you didn't.

Elliott Kalan

[42:10] Oh, I wish I'd seen that one.

[42:12] Missed it.

[42:14] Horrifying.

[42:15] This is a very contentious category every year.

[42:18] It's going to be a lot of buzz on the blogs afterwards.

[42:20] But whether we chose the right one.

[42:22] Best commercial for TGI Fridays disguised as a movie.

[42:26] And the winner is Zookeeper.

[42:28] Zookeeper.

Dan McCoy

[42:32] This is my final award.

[42:34] I see you have a couple more left.

Elliott Kalan

[42:36] I have a couple, but I don't have to announce them all.

Dan McCoy

[42:37] This is my final award.

[42:39] The Cold Shower Award goes to Sucker Punch for making me feel guilty about every erection I've ever had.

[42:45] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] You weren't already guilty about all those erections?

Dan McCoy

[42:49] Look, I wasn't raised with a tradition of guilt like you.

Elliott Kalan

[42:53] No, guilt.

[42:54] It's called guilt.

[42:54] It's chocolate coins that you get at Hanukkah.

[42:56] I see.

[42:58] I have a special award.

[42:59] Best supporting actor.

[43:00] I'm going to give it to Eric Zuckerman for my soul to take.

[43:04] Great guy.

[43:04] Former Flophouse co-host.

[43:06] Former Flophouse co-host.

[43:07] Eric Zuckerman.

[43:07] Current Flophouse friend.

[43:08] Eric Zuckerman.

[43:09] Great work in your four or five minutes of screen time.

[43:12] Nothing but nice things to say about you.

Stuart Wellington

[43:14] The killer didn't call him bitch at any point though, right?

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] No, unfortunately.

[43:18] That's too bad.

Stuart Wellington

[43:20] And of course.

[43:22] Because that's something you'd want on your tombstone.

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] Pepperoni and extra cheese.

[43:26] And birch.

[43:28] And of course, this is the big award.

[43:31] The big one.

[43:32] Best picture of the year.

[43:34] Again, a lot of lobbying, a lot of advertising, a lot of things.

[43:38] I think it's going to the artist.

[43:40] The artist is an early favorite.

[43:42] Oh no!

[43:43] Opening the envelope.

[43:44] Who saw this coming?

[43:45] Best picture goes to Tango and Cash.

[43:47] For the 22nd year running, Tango and Cash has won best picture.

[43:52] Well, congratulations to Tango.

[43:54] Congratulations to Cash.

[43:55] And let's not forget the late Jack Palance.

Stuart Wellington

[43:57] Look, the freak from the castle has a brave face on.

Elliott Kalan

[44:01] He was really expecting to make it this year.

[44:03] I can't see the invisible maniac, but I assume he's crying.

Dan McCoy

[44:06] Head of the family, I can really see his expression.

[44:09] It's huge.

[44:11] A lot of disappointment.

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] Oh, but Tango and Cash couldn't be happier.

[44:14] Yeah.

[44:15] Look at where they are.

[44:15] They're high-fived, and now the picture's taken of that, and it's in the newspaper.

Dan McCoy

[44:20] And they're cleared.

[44:21] Cleared of all charges.

Elliott Kalan

[44:22] They've been cleared of all charges by winning this award.

Dan McCoy

[44:26] And we're having a lot of fun.

[44:30] Finally, let's end that.

[44:31] Yeah, let's wrap that up.

[44:32] Let's move on to letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[44:35] Flophouse letters.

[44:38] Letters for the Flophouse.

[44:41] An award for best song.

[44:42] Letters.

[44:44] Letters, letters, letters.

[44:51] Flophouse letters.

Dan McCoy

[44:52] Okay, so this email is titled Floptacular Predictions.

[44:58] Oh, okay.

[44:59] It's from Dan, last name withheld.

[45:01] It says, just listen to last year's Floptacular episode.

[45:05] I've been thinking who would win this year's Lifetime Achievement Award for things packed in twos.

[45:12] I would like to see tennis balls win the award.

[45:14] Was that an award we gave out?

[45:14] That was an award.

[45:16] I would like to see tennis balls win the award for things packed in threes.

[45:20] I know over the last decade or so, they have changed to four packs in some instances.

[45:24] But over the course of history, I've always enjoyed the packaging.

Elliott Kalan

[45:27] Yeah, but you're supposed to give the award for this year's worth.

[45:29] Great look.

Dan McCoy

[45:29] Not for Lifetime Achievement.

[45:30] Nice cap.

[45:31] Fantastic smell after the can is opened.

[45:33] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[45:33] Does he not know what this podcast is about?

Dan McCoy

[45:36] He may think it's a tennis cast.

[45:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:38] Has he confused us with the Pete Sampras house?

[45:42] Isn't that the term for when they package two older porno magazines and then sneak a third

[45:48] one with the cover ripped off in there?

[45:50] Okay.

[45:51] I was not aware that they did that.

Dan McCoy

[45:52] One that's something you would not be interested in.

Stuart Wellington

[45:55] Yeah, like pregnant babes and stuff like that.

[45:57] Grannies and whatnot.

Elliott Kalan

[45:59] Grannies and whatnot.

[46:01] You know what?

[46:01] At first, I thought it was that there weren't a lot of granny fetishes out there.

[46:04] But now I think it's that we have whatnot in the title of our porn magazine.

[46:07] People just don't know what to expect.

[46:11] There's a thing.

[46:12] You don't know what the title is because the cover's been ripped off.

[46:13] Well, Jugs and Etc. has been doing pretty good.

[46:17] Well, Etc. means more of the same.

[46:19] Some people know they're getting more Jugs.

[46:20] But whatnot, that could mean anything.

[46:22] It could be anything.

[46:23] It's a big question mark.

[46:25] It's like if you put out a porno movie, the title was just question mark.

[46:28] You wouldn't pick that up.

[46:29] You don't know what you're entering into.

[46:32] There could be anything between those covers.

Dan McCoy

[46:33] If there's anything I understand.

[46:34] That requires a lot of trust.

[46:36] I understand my ears in the pornographic industry is that people have very specific fetishes, things they're in do.

Elliott Kalan

[46:40] And they do not want to be surprised.

[46:43] I don't want to be looking for a picture of an anthropomorphic dolphin having sex with an anthropomorphic fox.

[46:49] Turn the page.

[46:50] There's a granny there.

[46:51] I don't want to grab that.

Stuart Wellington

[46:53] Barely human, shot very photorealistically.

Elliott Kalan

[46:57] I mean, granted anthropomorphic.

[47:00] This is why our twin experiments, porn grab bag, huge failure.

[47:05] And barely legal and miscellaneous, huge failure.

[47:09] Well, yeah, but that was a way we could use up the pictures that didn't fit in the other magazines.

[47:13] Again, failure.

[47:14] People aren't interested in that.

[47:15] They want to know what they're getting.

[47:17] Here's two words that don't go together, okay?

[47:20] Masturbation and surprise.

[47:22] You don't want to be surprised when you're masturbating, okay?

[47:25] About to climax.

[47:27] And shock.

[47:29] All right, well.

[47:31] That's why our other magazine, Hey, Look at This.

[47:34] People didn't even know what tone it was in.

[47:37] Hey, Look at This was our second worst-selling magazine after Question Mark.

Dan McCoy

[47:41] Yeah, it could be, Hey, Look at This, it will disgust you.

Elliott Kalan

[47:45] Yeah.

[47:47] We have a lot of these conversations.

Stuart Wellington

[47:49] Often cataloged improperly, next to the Rangers Rick and whatnot.

Elliott Kalan

[47:52] And then we get a lot of angry letters from a lot of angry parents who thought they were buying nature-themed pornography.

Dan McCoy

[47:58] Rangers Rick.

[48:00] This email is titled, That Minnesota Guy's Offer is No Good.

[48:05] This is referring back to a while ago.

[48:07] To Jesse Ventura.

[48:08] As a recent flop convert, I've been working my way through your old episodes.

[48:11] When you watch Delgo, you got an email from a listener in Minnesota who offered to let you watch movies at his house.

[48:17] Oh, yeah.

[48:18] His house?

[48:19] I can do better than that.

[48:20] I can offer you an entire theater with seats and paying customers, hopefully.

[48:26] I am a projectionist at the Trilon Micro Cinema here in Minneapolis.

[48:31] Wow.

[48:31] We're a 50-seat non-profit theater that shows a combination of retrospectives and new independent films.

[48:37] We're also host of such series as Trash Film Debauchery.

[48:41] That sounds like something you'd like, Dan.

[48:42] Yes.

[48:42] And The Defenders, in which one person picks a critically unloved film and defends it before an audience.

[48:47] Sounds like Elliot.

[48:48] Hey, wait a minute.

[48:50] How about it, floppers?

[48:51] Care to come to Minnesota and do a live show?

[48:53] I'll cover the theater.

[48:54] You keep the sure-to-be lucrative box office.

[48:57] To sweeten the deal, I've come up with attractions suited to each of your personalities.

[49:01] Stuart, there's a brewery just two blocks from the theater.

[49:04] I like that.

[49:04] A gym brewery.

[49:07] They make gym brewers there.

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] It's like a frat house, basically, is what you're saying.

[49:13] Yeah, kind of.

Dan McCoy

[49:15] Elliot, there's a Popeyes nearby.

[49:17] Interesting.

[49:17] Plus, Minnesota has a lot of words that sound like other words.

[49:20] Dan, Minnesota's home to racist, homophobic militia nut, Michelle Bachman.

[49:25] So you're sure to fit right in.

[49:26] Ian, last name withheld.

[49:27] Well, I don't like that last part.

Elliott Kalan

[49:29] It totally fits with your personality, as according to what I said and what Stuart said in this podcast.

[49:35] Hooks for hands, right?

[49:37] Yeah.

[49:37] Does she have hooks for hands?

[49:38] I don't think so.

[49:38] You can't answer.

[49:40] Well, I think it sounds pretty good.

[49:42] If he'll cover the cost of travel and lodging, we'll pay for our meals and for our in-city transportation.

Dan McCoy

[49:49] I'll tell you something.

[49:50] Minneapolis is a lovely city for one-third of the year.

[49:53] I lived there briefly.

Elliott Kalan

[49:56] No, but seriously, folks.

[49:57] Yeah.

[49:58] I love Minneapolis.

[49:59] I'm just waiting to find Maxiapolis at some point.

[50:02] Very small city.

[50:03] Very small city.

Stuart Wellington

[50:04] As soon as I can convince you guys to go, I'm down.

[50:07] I'm ready.

Dan McCoy

[50:08] Okay.

[50:08] Well, you should hop in our old double-side car motorcycle.

[50:12] Who drives the motorcycle?

[50:14] Thanks, Stuart.

[50:15] I would think Dan would.

[50:16] He's kind of in charge.

[50:17] Yeah, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[50:18] And I'm going to be way too drunk to be driving a motorcycle.

[50:20] Well, you're passed out in the side car and I'm with the map in the other side car.

Dan McCoy

[50:23] The next email speaks to that very issue.

[50:26] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[50:27] Well, let's say to him, make it worth our while and we'll go to your 50-seat Minneapolis theater.

[50:35] Yeah.

[50:35] And by make it worth our while, I mean pay for our plane tickets.

Stuart Wellington

[50:37] Maybe we'll pay for it with the box office from all those fans that come out.

Elliott Kalan

[50:41] Yeah, how much are we going to have to charge if it's a 50-seat theater?

[50:45] It's a million dollars.

[50:47] I'm not very good at math there.

[50:48] I don't know math.

Dan McCoy

[50:49] That's why I got into comedy writing.

[50:51] The glue of the flop house is the next email.

[50:54] Must be about Dan's horse.

[50:55] The glue of the flop house.

[50:57] Dear Flopaholics, for years you guys have been pushing the lie that Dan is the Leonardo of the group.

[51:04] Where he is the one who makes sure the discussion stays on topic and keeps everything organized.

[51:09] Yet who is the one who always makes a segue back into the film during a classic flop house tangent?

[51:16] Who says, right, when a joke peters off so the discussion can move to a different topic?

[51:22] Who, when gone, the podcast meanders a bit more than usual?

[51:26] That's right, the one and only Stuart Wellington.

[51:29] God damn it.

[51:29] Gluer Wellington.

[51:30] Maybe it's time Dan...

[51:31] Fucking Cyclops over here.

[51:32] Maybe it's time Dan takes the place as the wacky friend and Stuart takes his rightful place as the serious leader of the group.

[51:38] If only for one episode, like Freaky Friday or vice versa.

[51:42] At least...

[51:43] Wait, we're going to watch Vice Versa?

[51:45] No, or like Father, like Son, or 18 again.

[51:49] At least walking around in the other one's shoes might stop their constant off-podcast fighting.

[51:54] Remember the immortal words of Shakespeare.

[51:56] To thine own self be true.

[51:58] Sincerely, Brian, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[51:59] So that would make you the Cyclops, Stuart.

[52:02] Dan is certainly not the Wolverine.

[52:03] So what is he, like the Nightcrawler?

[52:06] Yeah, I mean...

[52:07] Or the Beast?

[52:08] Yeah, I think...

[52:08] I think he'd be the Beast.

[52:09] Yeah, Beast is pretty cool.

Stuart Wellington

[52:11] Beast is not, like, really cool, but, you know, he'll pass.

Elliott Kalan

[52:16] Okay.

[52:16] And I assume I'm, like, Banshee.

[52:18] You're something.

[52:19] You're like Thorge.

[52:20] I'm like Sunspot.

[52:21] You're Cyclok.

[52:23] Cyclok.

[52:23] So the guy was a clock instead of an I?

[52:26] How do you pronounce that?

[52:28] Oh, Psylocke?

[52:29] Yeah, Psylocke.

[52:29] So I'm the sexy Asian ninja with an English accent?

[52:32] Yeah, that's you.

[52:33] Yep.

[52:33] That's pretty cool.

[52:34] That's pretty cool.

[52:35] I'm jealous.

[52:36] It does mean I have a lot more wedgies than most other superheroes.

Stuart Wellington

[52:41] Yeah, well, what, Brian, last name with Al?

[52:44] I disagree with you, sir.

[52:45] I can't handle that responsibility.

[52:47] Maybe we should try it sometime, though.

[52:49] You never know.

[52:49] You shouldn't doubt yourself.

[52:50] Okay.

[52:51] So next time, I'll bring all the podcasting equipment, which I'm guessing is, I don't know,

[52:56] like a tape recorder or something?

[52:58] I don't...

[52:59] And we'll do it at my house.

[53:01] A little later with a bunch of cores.

[53:02] Yep, you'll just meander in probably ten minutes late.

[53:06] Uh, and then go into a long spiel that you've been rehearsing on the whole walkover.

Elliott Kalan

[53:11] That sometimes goes over and sometimes doesn't make that much sense.

[53:15] Then you'll finish your own bit by asking us if it was a bit.

[53:22] It's gonna be tough.

Dan McCoy

[53:24] But I think you can handle it, Dan.

[53:25] This last one is actually a very touching story.

[53:29] So, uh, get ready to touch it.

[53:31] No, it better not be a familiar.

Elliott Kalan

[53:32] There's been a lot of talk about masturbating on the show tonight.

[53:35] I apologize.

[53:35] We need a movie to distract us from masturbating.

[53:38] Uh, this one...

[53:39] Some movies distract you the other way.

[53:41] Wait, what?

[53:41] Some movies make you do that.

[53:43] What are you talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[53:44] Like they force you to, Stuart.

[53:45] Yeah.

[53:45] You have no choice.

[53:46] Yeah.

[53:47] Well, like a...

[53:48] Like a movie that makes you masturbate?

[53:51] Yeah.

[53:52] That's...

[53:52] Like The Rain.

[53:53] Yeah, The Rain.

Elliott Kalan

[53:53] Like, you're watching one of those movies like Peter Pan where they're like, Tinkerbell's

[53:57] dying.

[53:58] Only masturbating will bring her back to life.

[54:00] Come on, everybody in the audience.

Stuart Wellington

[54:01] Well, like one of those horror movies where you watch it and it makes you die.

[54:04] Like, it makes you kill yourself?

Elliott Kalan

[54:05] Yeah.

[54:05] Yeah, exactly.

[54:07] Like Ferngully, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:08] Okay.

[54:09] So, this is titled...

[54:10] Second Ferngully reference of the night.

[54:12] Thank you and you're welcome.

[54:13] A Tale of Flophouse Romance.

Elliott Kalan

[54:15] Well, hello.

[54:17] First...

[54:17] This is not another slash fiction story, is it?

[54:19] That's what I was expecting.

[54:21] First...

[54:22] So, go on.

[54:22] I cannot hear another story about me licking Popeye's grease off of either of you ever again.

[54:28] I just wanted to thank you for putting out the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[54:30] Because you're desensitized at this point.

[54:32] It's like you desensitized the tip of your penis and can't get...

[54:36] Can't read...

[54:37] Yeah, let it was, Dan, just read this letter.

Dan McCoy

[54:39] Thank you for putting out the podcast.

[54:41] My favorite podcast, et cetera.

[54:43] Thank you very much.

[54:44] In fact...

[54:44] Sorry for this episode.

[54:45] A few weeks ago, I was listening to the Conan episode of the podcast while scanning some books...

[54:52] It means with Nan.

[54:53] ...in the library.

[54:55] A mindless task made bearable only by podcasts.

[54:59] Although I had listened to this episode two times before, I still found myself nearly doubled over in laughter by the time that Elliot S. Connery finished off the updated Zardoz ad with...

[55:10] You're the Zardoz now, dog.

Stuart Wellington

[55:13] However...

[55:14] Notice he had to throw in his fucking Connery.

[55:16] Yeah, gotta show off.

[55:17] I'm like most times...

[55:17] Michael Caine's coming up soon, too.

Dan McCoy

[55:19] However, unlike most times when I've been in a similar situation, the people around me either ignore my laughter or stare at me like I'm insane.

[55:26] This time I was tapped on the shoulder.

[55:27] This time I was tapped on the shoulder.

[55:29] I turned around to see a beautiful girl.

[55:31] And instead of asking if I would stop hogging the scanner, she asked what was so funny.

[55:36] And at this point, I assumed she screamed and ran away.

[55:43] To my further surprise, she asked me if she could hear it.

[55:47] And since I'm an average flop listener and she was gorgeous, I acquiesced immediately and watched as she began laughing at Elliot's horrible impersonation and description of what actually happens in Zardoz.

[55:57] Horrible.

[55:58] I studied with Sean Connery for years.

[56:00] After she handed my iPod back to me, we began talking about other bad movies we both liked.

[56:06] And both realized that we didn't have any friends that wanted to go to a midnight showing of The Room later that week.

[56:12] Not wanting to let this opportunity get away from me, I asked her out for dinner and The Room.

[56:16] And I'm happy to report that we've been on a number of dates since then.

[56:20] During which I've gotten her to become a new subscriber to your podcast.

[56:25] So I just wanted to say...

[56:26] That's the important part.

[56:28] Thank you for enabling a chance to meet my new girlfriend and you're welcome for swelling your subscriber rolls by one.

[56:34] Keep on flopping in the free world.

[56:36] Mike, last name withheld.

[56:37] P.S.

[56:38] Is there any chance for a live Flophouse event in Washington, D.C.?

[56:41] I know Elliot considers our city a boring eyesore.

[56:44] When did I say that?

[56:44] As heard in the Invasion episode.

[56:45] When did I say that?

[56:46] I like this.

[56:46] Apparently in the Invasion episode.

[56:47] I guess so.

[56:48] It is boring, but I like the public statuary.

[56:50] But our population is about 83% of students who love bad movies.

[56:53] I saw...

[56:54] You know, when I went to D.C. recently, I was struck by how lovely our...

Elliott Kalan

[56:57] I actually like a lot of the things.

[57:00] Maybe it was just that Invasion showed the more boring parts of the city, like the malls and things.

[57:06] Or not malls, but, you know, the office buildings.

[57:08] The malls of America.

[57:10] That was a touching story.

Dan McCoy

[57:11] That was really great.

[57:12] I mean, I'm sure they're broken up by now.

Elliott Kalan

[57:14] Oh, that's terrible, Dan.

[57:16] Thanks, Dan.

[57:16] Thanks for nothing.

[57:17] Well, that's...

[57:18] I'm very glad that we could help in some way to get this young Flophouse listener some affection.

[57:26] Like a modern-day C-Renaud.

[57:28] Yeah.

[57:29] A modern-day C-Renaud.

[57:30] Basically, what?

[57:30] Steve Martin?

[57:31] Some day we'll work up to B-Renaud or A-Renaud.

Dan McCoy

[57:34] I mean, if we can...

[57:34] You know, if we can...

[57:35] Yeah, Steve Martin, basically.

[57:36] Basically.

Elliott Kalan

[57:37] If we can get one nerd laid out there, then it's all been worth it.

[57:41] The past few years of doing this podcast are worth it.

[57:44] And thanks for giving us another listener.

[57:47] And I feel like a live event in D.C. is eminently more doable than Minneapolis.

[57:51] Yeah.

[57:52] Because we could just take a train down there.

[57:53] I agree.

[58:05] And that's how they make honey.

[58:07] Oh, no kidding.

[58:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:10] So we should now go on to...

[58:12] Bees, really?

Elliott Kalan

[58:13] Yeah, it's made with bees.

[58:14] No kidding.

[58:15] It's all bees and beeswax.

[58:18] This is a joke that...

[58:19] Funny, huh?

[58:19] Like, it's...

[58:20] You're going to cut out.

[58:20] It's not going to play on the air.

[58:22] Because the whole point was I stopped the tape to save it.

[58:25] But you're explaining it now, so...

[58:27] Well, we can pick up from where we left off then.

[58:30] Like, I think we could...

[58:32] Washington, D.C. screening would be eminently doable.

[58:35] If someone in Washington, D.C. wants to do some of the legwork

[58:37] and figure out where that could be done,

[58:39] then that would be a cool thing to do.

[58:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:44] And if this relationship survives a little longer, too,

[58:48] I would love to hear it.

[58:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:50] Wait, you'd love to hear the relationship?

[58:52] No, I just...

[58:52] I want to make sure that I...

[58:53] You are sick.

[58:55] So you heard him.

[58:56] You heard him, Flophouse fans.

[58:57] Make a tape of you having sex

[58:59] and send it to Purvisoid number one, Dan McCoy.

[59:02] Mr. Your girlfriend's butt looks nice, McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[59:05] Wife.

Elliott Kalan

[59:05] Your wife's butt looks nice.

[59:06] I was going through our old...

Stuart Wellington

[59:08] You didn't like his girlfriend's butt, is what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[59:10] Yeah, what's wrong with his girlfriend's butt, Dan?

[59:12] Oh, God.

[59:12] I just want my cynicism to not be borne out.

[59:15] I want to know whether this relationship survives.

Elliott Kalan

[59:19] I was going through the previous year's Flophouse episodes in preparation for this,

[59:21] and I went back and listened to the controversy over you asking if that was the guy's wife in the video.

Dan McCoy

[59:31] Look, people want to know.

Elliott Kalan

[59:32] People named Dan McCoy, who are pervs, want to know.

[59:35] I'm a person.

Dan McCoy

[59:36] You're taking that away from me, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] Are you dehumanizing me?

[59:40] Only in that you're a Purvisoid.

[59:43] A robot cyborg designed to be a Purvisoid.

[59:45] He's a three-dimensional Purvisoid.

[59:47] Of being a human, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[59:49] Just because you're uncomfortable with it doesn't mean that it's not a valid...

[59:52] I'm totally comfortable with it.

[59:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:54] So sending that tape...

[59:55] Yeah, it'll look Popeye's grease off anybody's hands.

[59:58] But yeah, we hope you're still together, and keep on rocking in DC.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:02] Okay.

[1:00:03] So this is the part where we normally make recommendations,

[1:00:06] but because this is sort of an end-of-the-year retrospective, I thought we could maybe...

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:10] The same place everyone does their end-of-the-year retrospectives, in February.

[1:00:14] On Leap Day.

[1:00:15] On Leap Day.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:16] It's not miles off.

[1:00:17] I mean, you know, some people will do it in January, after the year is actually over,

[1:00:22] rather than trying to jump the gun and doing it in December like everyone else.

[1:00:26] Wow, you really thought about this.

[1:00:27] It really makes you mad.

[1:00:28] But no, I just like, you know, we should talk about a couple movies maybe from the last year that we enjoyed.

[1:00:35] And we don't need to do maybe full recommendations.

[1:00:38] We can just rattle off a couple.

[1:00:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:00:40] Sure, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:41] But Elliot, why don't you go?

[1:00:43] Why don't you go?

[1:00:45] That reminds me of a movie I really enjoyed this year.

[1:00:47] A little movie called Hugo.

[1:00:49] Dan?

[1:00:51] All right, man.

[1:00:52] I'm just going to go off or do the room and vomit.

[1:00:54] I actually didn't see, I saw a lot fewer new movies this year than I usually do.

[1:00:58] And I think just because it was a busy year and there wasn't a lot in the theaters that was like really driving me to go see it right away.

[1:01:07] So I feel like I don't have a lot to recommend that are not already well-known movies.

[1:01:12] Like I wish there was some like indie movie or foreign movie I saw that really was really amazing and I want to tell everyone about it, but I didn't.

[1:01:18] Speaking of driving me to the theaters to see stuff, here's another movie I like this year.

[1:01:22] Drive.

[1:01:23] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:24] That's a really good segue.

[1:01:26] So much better than when I got prepared.

[1:01:28] Well, let's hear it, Stuart.

[1:01:31] Okay, well, yeah, I have a pretty short list because I think I'm in the same boat as Elliot.

[1:01:35] I just didn't get out.

[1:01:37] Yeah.

[1:01:37] To the theaters as often.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] I was going through my list.

[1:01:39] I keep a list every year of the movies I've seen that year and I saw way more movies for the Flophouse than I did like in the theaters.

[1:01:45] Yeah, it was a lot.

[1:01:46] Movies I wanted to see, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:48] Well, there was two big budget movies that I thought were really good at what they were trying to do and that was...

[1:01:57] Transformers 3.

[1:01:58] Girl with a Dragon Tattoo.

[1:01:59] Mm-hmm.

[1:02:00] And Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, which in a way kind of...

[1:02:03] They kind of both remind me of each other.

[1:02:05] Like, they were both very, very good at being either an action movie or a thriller.

[1:02:09] And I think all the elements kind of combined in all those movies.

[1:02:13] Yeah.

[1:02:13] Like, the sound was great.

[1:02:14] The direction was great.

[1:02:15] And I think in both cases it was primarily due to, like, a great director.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:20] And Mission Impossible had a good script.

[1:02:22] Like, it was a pretty tight, quick-moving script.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:25] Yeah.

[1:02:25] I mean, there's a couple laggy parts.

[1:02:27] But, yeah, I'd agree with you.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:28] You know, I'm just going to quickly run down, like, several that I...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:32] Speaking of running down, The Rundown.

[1:02:35] With Sean William Scott.

[1:02:36] With Sean William Scott.

[1:02:37] And who was it?

[1:02:37] The Rock?

[1:02:38] Yeah.

[1:02:39] Didn't even come out this past year.

[1:02:40] Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

[1:02:41] Speaking of Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Journey to the Mysterious Island.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:46] Okay.

[1:02:47] I'm just going to run down...

[1:02:48] I have more on here.

[1:02:50] But you know what?

[1:02:51] I'm just going to run down a few that either I feel were underseen or slightly underappreciated.

[1:03:00] In that category, I would put...

[1:03:01] Burlesque.

[1:03:02] I would put Win-Win.

[1:03:04] Super 8.

[1:03:06] Attack the Block.

[1:03:07] The Fright Night remake I enjoyed.

[1:03:10] Red State.

[1:03:11] And The Adventures of Tintin.

[1:03:13] You should have said...

[1:03:14] Tintin?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] Tintin.

[1:03:16] What is that?

[1:03:17] Like a tauntaun?

[1:03:17] I said...

Dan McCoy

[1:03:18] I actually said it correctly.

[1:03:20] I mean, like, that was not what people were making fun of me for.

[1:03:22] Tintin?

[1:03:23] Like...

[1:03:23] Tintin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:24] A Tintin?

[1:03:25] The guy...

[1:03:25] Tintin?

[1:03:25] Daniel Craig.

[1:03:26] No.

[1:03:26] Daniel Craig's character in Dreamhouse.

[1:03:28] It's actually the I sound that I'm making.

[1:03:30] Sure.

[1:03:30] You should have said Win-Win.

[1:03:31] Tintin.

[1:03:33] And then come up with another movie that rhymes with those.

[1:03:35] Yeah.

[1:03:36] I forgot that I saw Attack the Block this year, actually, and I really liked that a lot.

[1:03:42] Do you have something else?

[1:03:43] The other one...

[1:03:43] I mean, basically, the movies that stuck with me, aside from Attack the Block, that I saw

[1:03:47] this year were...

[1:03:48] They were just, like, all big movies.

[1:03:50] Hugo Drive, Tree of Life, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and Midnight in Paris, which I

[1:03:54] did not expect to really stick in my mind.

[1:03:57] Yeah.

[1:03:57] Watching it, it seemed like it was kind of like a lark.

[1:04:00] Like, all right, that was fun, but it really, like...

[1:04:03] Like, I really felt it for a long time after I saw it.

[1:04:06] In a way, I hadn't expected from a Woody Allen movie in a long time, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:10] Did you list Young Adult?

[1:04:12] Well, you know what?

[1:04:14] I didn't read everything that I had written down here originally, because I thought I would

[1:04:18] stick to things that were underseen or underappreciated, but I will say that I liked the things that

[1:04:22] Elliot said.

[1:04:23] I also enjoyed...

[1:04:25] Tan-Tan.

[1:04:26] Thor, The Descendants, The Muppets, Young Adult, and I agree with you on Girl with a Dragon

[1:04:32] Tattoo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:32] I liked some of those, but, like, Thor was like, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:36] Well, but Thor, I think, was...

[1:04:38] To me, like, of the...

[1:04:39] I know that you really liked the X-Men movie.

[1:04:42] Yeah, I liked X-Men First Class the most.

[1:04:44] I think that...

[1:04:45] Get out of here.

[1:04:46] I think of the...

[1:04:47] What a fucking turd.

[1:04:49] Of the superhero movies I saw this year, I enjoyed Thor the most.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:53] Yeah, I would probably say the movie that you guys didn't list, unsurprisingly, is...

[1:04:59] What, Bucky Larson?

[1:05:00] No.

[1:05:01] I think probably for a lower-budget movie, my favorite movie of the year would probably

Dan McCoy

[1:05:08] go to Black Death with Sean Bean.

[1:05:10] Well, I haven't seen that one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:12] Which is...

[1:05:13] Which is...

[1:05:14] Manages to be both grim and interesting at the same time, whereas too many movies like

[1:05:20] The Seasons of the Witch and whatnot are very grim and humorless and just you lose your interest...

[1:05:28] Well, it completely loses your interest, whereas Black Death, for whatever reason, probably

[1:05:32] in part because Sean Bean was great in it.

[1:05:35] Mm-hmm.

[1:05:35] Just kept me watching.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:36] Good actor, good bean.

[1:05:38] Yeah, you know.

[1:05:39] Top quality bean.

[1:05:40] I think for me, there's a lot of the movies that...

[1:05:42] I like the Frida Pinto bean in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

[1:05:46] Really?

[1:05:46] Because she was kind of not necessary at any point in that movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:49] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:49] If anyone had the word pinto in them, it's gonna go there.

[1:05:53] The only problem I had with Rise of the Planet of the Apes was that...

[1:05:56] The Andy Serkis bean?

[1:05:59] The human bean.

[1:06:01] The Andy Serkis peanut, you mean.

[1:06:05] Oh, man.

[1:06:07] Well, it should get...

[1:06:08] We do have fun here.

[1:06:09] Oh, we certainly do.

[1:06:10] The listeners don't.

[1:06:11] But the only problem I had with Rise of the Planet of the Apes was that neighbor that...

Dan McCoy

[1:06:17] The guy who just, like, would stab people in the chest with his fingers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:20] His whole purpose was just to get mad at people and eventually spread the disease that destroyed

[1:06:24] the world.

[1:06:25] Spoiler alert.

[1:06:25] But there's the part where the scientist who works with James Franco, who has come down

[1:06:29] with this disease where, like, blood is pouring down his face, is banging on the door

[1:06:33] trying to get James Franco's attention.

[1:06:35] And the neighbor walks over and is like, hey, what are you doing here?

[1:06:37] Hey, I'm talking...

[1:06:38] Get out of here!

[1:06:39] And it's like, at a certain point, you really can't complain about someone knocking on the

[1:06:43] door of your neighbor's house.

[1:06:45] Like, at that, they just needed him to come into contact with that guy so badly.

[1:06:48] So they're like, well, I guess his character's just gotta be a total asshole to everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:51] The thing about a neighbor character in a movie is their main job should be to undress

[1:06:56] in front of open windows.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:58] I think Dan can agree with me on this.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:00] If body double has taught me anything, that's what it's taught me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:03] But the movies that struck me this year, a lot of them were movies that either were people,

[1:07:09] working in relatively new people, working in a medium they weren't used to, like Brad

[1:07:15] Bird working in live action.

[1:07:18] Or, uh...

[1:07:20] But also things like movies that just kind of felt personal to people making them.

[1:07:24] Tree of Life felt that way.

[1:07:25] Hugo felt that way.

[1:07:26] Midnight in Paris felt that way to me.

[1:07:28] Like, as opposed to movies that were just kind of by the numbers or felt like they could

[1:07:33] have been made by anybody.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:34] Yeah.

[1:07:35] I agree with that.

[1:07:36] Well, guys, another year.

[1:07:38] Another year is kind of gone.

[1:07:40] We're another year older.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:40] Yeah, closer to death.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:41] I gotta do a quick plug before we wrap up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:44] And I have a plug, too.

[1:07:45] March 8th, guys...

[1:07:45] You're gonna have to edit this episode down, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:47] If you guys were listening to this before March 8th in Brooklyn, New York, Charlene's Bar,

[1:07:52] 353 Flatbush Avenue.

[1:07:53] We have a Purim party.

[1:07:55] To all you non-Jews, that's a costume party.

[1:07:58] Come on down.

[1:07:59] You don't have to be in a costume, but you should be.

[1:08:01] There's gonna be an acoustic metal band playing an original song for Purim.

[1:08:06] There's gonna be hamantash and cookies and all kinds of stuff.

[1:08:09] And raffles and cool prizes.

[1:08:11] And possibly the three of us.

[1:08:14] At least me.

[1:08:15] Almost definitely.

[1:08:15] I should be there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:17] And my film screening series, Closely Watched Films, is coming to a close.

[1:08:22] By the time this episode goes up, there will be one screening left, which will be the first

[1:08:28] Thursday in April.

[1:08:29] I'm going to be showing the movie The Good Fairy, which was one of the movies Preston Sturgis

[1:08:33] wrote before he started directing movies.

[1:08:35] It's a very funny movie and just kind of like a light, very, you know, graceful kind of comedy

[1:08:41] the way they used to do in the 30s.

[1:08:43] And I'll be joined by guest John Oliver of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

[1:08:46] And afterwards, we'll talk about comedy and that movie.

[1:08:49] And then I'll say farewell to my screening series for the foreseeable future.

[1:08:53] So that's the first Thursday in April, 7.30 p.m., 92i Tribeca, which is on 200 Hudson

[1:08:58] Street in Manhattan.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:00] All right, guys.

[1:09:01] Well, now that all the awards have been given out, all there remains to say is good night,

[1:09:10] guys.

[1:09:11] And good luck or?

[1:09:13] No, just good night.

[1:09:13] Oh, okay.

[1:09:14] And good luck, right?

[1:09:15] No, just good night.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:17] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:19] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:09:20] I think I'm still Elliot Kalin, but I'm kind of tired.

[1:09:23] Good night.

[1:09:24] Yeah, but talking into a microphone, I'm probably the least experienced.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:37] Oh, yeah, maybe.

[1:09:38] That's true.

[1:09:39] Just trying to make it.

[1:09:39] Because you were in that 80s hair metal band.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:43] Yeah.

[1:09:44] And, of course, Dan did all that.

[1:09:45] Elliot and Motley Crue, I believe is the name.

[1:09:46] Dan has had to testify in so many trials.

[1:09:49] Elliot and Motley Crue.

[1:09:50] They kicked me out.

[1:09:52] Assholes.

[1:09:52] Yeah, they said you partied too much.

[1:09:54] They said it was too hardcore for them.

[1:09:56] Yeah.

[1:09:57] I was too much of a wild man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:59] You had too much hepatitis.

The Flop House: Episode #97 - Awards Floptacular 2012

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